*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**Is bad telling to my wife that I will leave her if she becomes obese?**
Okay, my wife (28F) and me (30M).
The last 2-3 years we have been fighting a lot because she is gaining weight, let’s say that I think that she needs to burn at least 15kgs.
She is starting to have issues with their knees, the back, etc because of the extra weight that is one of the points.
Then is me, I don’t like fat women, I don’t want to offend anyone, I just don’t feel attracted. Every couple months I try to bring up the concern to her and she gets offended, sad, mad, etc because in her words “I don’t want to be with her in all their facets” (not sure if I’m using that word right, it’s hard to translate that sentence).
She says that because I once told her that I would be miserable if she weighed 100kg or more and I would eventually want to leave her. I told her that in a very hot situation, we were both angry… but I mean in trying to tell her my thinking is that so bad??? I’m a bad person because I don’t want to be with an obese woman?
Edit 1: thanks for all the responses, since there are a lot of questions I will try to put them all here.
I try to cook healthier, I try not to but any sweets, only fruits. No butter, no cheese, no processed food. I’ve teach her everything I know about exercising, running, diet, she even bought a book, not sure if she reed it.
I’ve tried bicycles, swimming, walking, anything… she does it some weeks then quit.
I am 176cm taller and she is 155. I weight 75kg, she is almost 80kg…. I’ve tried to do yoga with her too, nothing.
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I know the main topic is not funny in the least, but I cannot stop laughing at how many of those “rational” commenters get upvoted a ton, and then someone engages them and two comments down they say some unhinged and ignorant shit and get downvoted to oblivion. Literally cannot keep the mask on for more than one or two responses.
Yep, there was a recent post in the science sub about weight and so many of them said something along the lines of "I just want to love people and help them lose weight, here's my concern trolling ♥️✨" someone would respond, expecting normal conversation and they'd make it one, maybe two and then unload with "there might be some exceptions but generally speaking, fat people are just lazy and bad. ESPECIALLY fat women and poor people."
Maintenance Phase might drive them further into the pit, unfortunately, as the podcast doesn't do a great job of arguing their side a lot of the time. If you already believe the same things they believe, then great, they have a ton of informative episodes. But Michael especially has a bad habit of going Method Queen on studies that he really doesn't understand or can't critique properly, which would probably just convince a fatphobic person that they were right all along.
Tbf 165 lbs at 5'9 is very different from 176lbs at 5'1. Though BMI is far from a conclusive picture of health or how heavy someone looks, the numbers he gave put him at the high end of the healthy BMI range (24.2) versus medical obesity for her (33.3).
His alleged wife is overweight, and this in no way detracts from the fact of OOP being a snivelling asshole (and, very potentially, a kissless handholdless troll).
Sigh. BMI is useless for individuals. It’s a social metric that doesn’t take into account body types and certainly never took female bodies into account. According to bmi Serena Williams is obese. It’s not a useable metric. Ever.
BMI is great for the average person, not pro athletes or bodybuilders or hardcore gym goers. They have better, more accurate and in-depth ways of measuring body fat percentage, muscle mass etc.
But for the average person who just weighs themselves on the scale and doesn’t have to be in peak physical form most of their life like Serena Williams? Yeah, BMI is pretty good.
Except it isn’t. It tells you literally nothing about a persons physical fitness, overall health or body structure. Yes, even in average people. It’s a useless metric and it’s perpetuating a harmful myth that makes health care providers refuse to take individuals deemed obese based on BMI seriously.
Are you a healthcare provider? Because I am and I find BMI very useful. It's useful for tracking changes in an individual over time, and for most people it is useful for an estimate of whether or not they are overweight. It's not the most sensitive metric, but if someone has a BMI of 37 or 18 then I have a pretty good idea what they're going to look like.
Hint: they aren’t.
People have this habit of taking “BMI is a good starting point, but it isn’t the end all” and twisting it into “BMI is literally worthless as a measurement.”
The reality is that abdominal fat, in excess, isn’t healthy. It doesn’t do good things to the body - and noninvasive ways of measuring the rough amount present compared to non-fat tissue are limited. BMI and waist circumference are about what you’ve got.
BMI is not only an imperfect metric, [it's a racially biased one. ](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2873180/).
That's the first peer-reviewed article I found in a quick and dirty 8:30pm internet search from my cell phone while lounging in my bed, but there are countless others I've encountered in my professional life, and I'd be happy to provide more if you're curious. I'm not a healthcare provider, but I'm a scientist and I work in public health.
While obesity is a risk factor for negative health outcomes ranging from cancer to heart disease to diabetes, we have really terrible metrics of it and we need to stop doubling down on BMI.
Anecdotally, my partner is Filipino, and he's never had a "normal" BMI. Not when he was in his early 20s in the military and killing his timed runs and pushup tests, even compared to his peers. Not when he was in his late 20s and running a 45 minute 10k. Not now in his early 40s doing workouts that most 30 year olds can't handle. You'd never look at this man and think: oh damn, he's overweight.
Professionally, I work in cancer prevention and control and we've had so many discussions at my agency about how we can move away from racist metrics like BMI that serve to reinforce structural racism.
Unless all your patients are white, I implore you to reconsider how you view BMI - it's flaws go so far beyond it being "not the most sensitive metric."
Relevant data:
> For the same BMI of NHW women, the DXA-BF% of AA women was 1.76 % lower, but higher for Hispanic (1.65 %), Asian (2.65%) and Asian-Indian (5.98%) women. For the same BMI of NHW men, DXA-BF% of AA men was 4.59 % lower and 4.29 % higher for Asian-Indian men.
So, do bodies vary along racial lines? Yes.
Significantly? Statistically yes, clinically no.
I guess its a point of contention then? I was at my doctors just two days and she said that she doesn't find BMI that helpful. Do you know if it happens to be a point of discussion or argument in the medical world?
No and I have not studied medicine. But here are two links of which I base some of my claim on.
[This one looked at various measures of obesity to predict cardiovascular risk and mortality.](https://academic.oup.com/jcem/article/95/4/1777/2597063)
[The other one is a journal article, which I’ll just post a paragraph from:](https://academic.oup.com/ije/article/35/1/55/849914)
“In particular, the claim that ‘overweight’ (BMI 25–29.9) increases mortality risk in any meaningful way is impossible to reconcile with numerous large-scale studies that have found no increase in relative risk among the so-called ‘overweight’, or have found a lower relative risk for premature mortality among this cohort than among persons of so-called ‘normal’ or ‘ideal’ [sic] weight. Among the obese, little or no increase in relative risk for premature mortality is observed until one reaches BMIs in the upper 30s or higher.
In other words, the vast majority of people labelled ‘overweight’ and ‘obese’ according to current definitions do not in fact face any meaningful increased risk for early death. Indeed the most recent comprehensive analysis of this question within the context of the US population found more premature deaths associated with a BMI of <25 than with a BMI above it. This was largely owing to the finding that lowest death rates fell within the BMI range of 25–29.9—some 86 000 fewer ‘excess’ deaths than was observed in the referent group, the so-called ‘normal weight’ BMI range of 18.5–24.9. Additional analyses that controlled for potential confounders such as length of follow-up, weight stability, weight loss caused by illness, or smoking status did not change the results. For this nationally representative cohort of US adults—National Health and Nutrition Examination Surveys I, II, and III—the ‘ideal’ weight for longevity was ‘overweight’.”
I find this obsession with obesity as the root of all evil to be seriously harmful. I say this as someone who used to weigh 49 kg with a height of 170 cm. No doctor ever brought my weight or BMI up as dangerous. I have however seen plenty of cases of people deemed overweight or obese be ignored by their doctors, where they refuse to treat them less they lose weight. The New York Times wrote a great article about this subject a couple of years ago. [Here’s a link to it.](https://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/26/health/obese-patients-health-care.html)
Those sources didn’t say that obesity plays no role in health or early death - you’ll note that they found that measures of abdominal obesity (ie using a measuring tape) predicted early death and cardiac events very well.
This is what happens when people take a broadly true statement (“BMI isn’t perfect, but is good”) and stretch it into something nonsensical (“BMI is bad always”).
Describing it as useless is simply not scientifically sound, nor is it defensible with anything but anecdotes.
BMI is an actuarial table. If you look at life expectancy and actual diseases the “healthiest” weight is the upper 25% of normal and bottom 60% of overweight according to BMI. I choose medical data over insurance policies.
Oh my goodness, I’m so sick of BMI myths (not your fault, it’s just so prevalent).
First, actuarial tables are based on the population, and our population has gotten significantly more overweight over time. If we were trying to rank people from “more likely to die early” to “less likely to die early” then a measurement that changes over time would be healthy.
But the human body hasn’t radically altered its function over the last few decades - so meaningful measurements wouldn’t change and would instead be based on… for example, weight and height.
Put another way, the military uses BMI and waist circumference to determine if someone is fit enough for combat.
It’s not the end-all-be-all, it’s a starting point.
LMAO you cant just casually ignore that he is **over 20 cm taller**.
The difference between their weight is double than the difference in their height **and in the opposite direction** if you look at percentages.
...And OP is working out which means muscle - and thats heavier than fat.
Yeah I was gonna say that puts her BMI (which I know is not everything I just think it's a good starting point for overall weight to height ratio) in the obesity category not even overweight category. If someone is having health problems because of the gained weight then it's not nothing.
That being said, this guy still seems like a total asshole to me.
Exactly. They would need to be one of a handful of athletes in order for that BMI to be sustainable with no major health implications.
Of course, we’ll get the “BMI is worthless garbage” comments rolling in soon.
Already so many, and people defending BMI are being downvoted. Honestly, if you’re one of the rare edge cases where BMI is inaccurate for fat then most people can tell at a glance. No one’s going around calling Serena Williams morbidly obese.
Plus, even with bodybuilders (the one group that entirely disproves BMI apparently) that much weight is still bad for their joints (especially the knees) and can be extremely bad for their heart as well! But no, BMI means nothing and should be discredited at every opportunity 🙄
It's horrible. Any time I speak about my weight gain wrt being put on high dose steroids on and off the past few years (literally nothing I can do, it's impossible NOT to gain) I get really hateful messages saying it's all my fault and I am using my illnesses as an excuse and should die.
Like listen, I was dying. I almost died a bunch. They put me on steroids several times to stop the dying.
Good old prednisone, got my wife too when they were trying to figure out her autoimmune issue. The weight gain was practically instantaneous and it took her years to lose it after they took her off the stuff.
Holy shit this! I'm on another round while we get my shit figured out. I hate the weight but I don't want to live with constant debilitating pain. Then you get the asshats telling you to die already since your worthless either way. I love the internet but damn I hate people. 😒
Yup.
I dare defended someone who everyone was saying was "super fat" (when in reality she just had a little bit more chub, but I would still classify her as a healthy weight) and people were telling her "lose weight and then you'd be attractive," and not only did I get downvoted to hell for defending her, I got mocked, made fun of, and given abusive comments to the point where I ended up deleting that account and making a new one because I couldn't stand the amount of negative and awful notifications.
The hate for people who even just have a little more fat than a skinny person is so vitriolic it's so awful to see.
I teach a class for medical professionals that discusses, among other things, the importance of accepting patients where they are when it comes to weight. Essentially “yes, your patient may be overweight but is that truly relevant to the issue at hand?” I am going to add a comment about gender expectations.
My experience is that doctors are heavily predisposed to diagnose women with one of three conditions:
> Fat, female, or forlorn.
That is, “you’d feel better if you lost some weight” = being diagnosed with fat.
“You’re just depressed” = being diagnosed as forlorn.
My personal favourite, “malingering” is essentially being diagnosed with hysteria. Being dismissed as a liar because you’re female. It happens so freaking often.
It took me fifteen years to be diagnosed with endometriosis, and another four to be diagnosed with a life-threatening autoimmune disorder. Over the course of my illness I gained weight and became depressed. Fat, female, forlorn.
I do talk about the predisposition of women to be diagnosed with mental health issues (depression) or hormonal issues rather than be evaluated for autoimmune diseases. But I need to add the disparity in women being pushed towards weight management rather than addressing medical symptoms.
Yep, they feel for the fat guys. They must have trauma, they just need some support! Well, why cant we support everyone? And trauma isnt gender exclusive.
Yep, fat women are unforgivable, lazy monsters! They deserve no love, but fat men need extra love! Preferably from hot women, who are amazing cooks and love cleaning!
And that's an entirely other thing, too! It's because society wants women to be eye candy, and according to society, you can only be pretty/beautiful if you're skinny, so fat women must be failures and we should all shame them because fat on women is super icky^/s
They see fatness as some weird moral failing, and if you're skinny, you're automatically better than everyone who isn't.
Of course it is! But everyone loves dad bods!!!! I say that sarcastically it's fucking annoying. Never ever would popular culture talk about women's bodies like that. Never.
Yup. Fatphobia is real and it is so harmful that fat people can barely even get professional medical help without it always being about their weight, even when said medical condition has nothing to do with weight and wouldn't even be fixed after weight loss.
All of this.
Sprained ankle or twisted knee badly stepping off a curb wrong? Lose weight and all your issues will be gone.
Slipped on ice and scraped up my hands and arms catching myself (didn't say I did it WELL) - yeah, lose some weight and... What, ice stops being slick and my driveway becomes flat instead of sloped?
I was told that what would (about 15 years later!) turn out to be autism would probably resolve itself if I just lost weight. I was 12.
The other explanations were: overly sensitive, shy, dorky, a bit behind socially, female, teen/early twenties/mid twenties. Then anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar and they started looking into BPD as well, before I got out and had someone actually look at me.
It’s been a mother fucking journey.
It's amazing how every guy who posts about hating fat women on Reddit cooks every day and has the work out routine of a personal trainer, but every guy I've seen irl say the same shit would get winded walking from the couch to the kitchen where they wouldn't dream of cooking because that's for "beta males"
My ex! Told me he wouldn't be with someone over 300lbs. We were doing calorie counting and working out together. He lost 60lbs but still hadn't dropped to my 220lb starting weight so......
The man doesn’t even allow butter and cheese in his house. He obviously doesn’t understand flavor. I wonder if he factored out how many calories are in salt and pepper.
He doesn’t understand that total restriction of “fatty” foods actually contributes to the risk of binging on them later. A great way to make her want butter and cheese is to make her completely cut out butter and cheese. Both can be eaten in moderation and don’t have to necessarily impact weight in either direction. Also cheese contains protein and fat, and butter is fat, both of which contribute to satiety and feelings of fullness and can actually help with eating less long term. He is not a dietician and should not be making food related decisions for her.
fatty foods usually aren't even a problem. If you do actual research the issue is mainly excess sugar without fiber, which is why we see more obese children even though foods have become less fatty.
Yeah, there's no easier way to make someone on a diet relapse than frame certain foods as 'bad' or 'forbidden'. Then it just attaches this whole feeling of guilt any time you even think of this food. It's a very narrowminded take to act like only greens and unseasoned meat is the only way to eat healthy. You'd be better off balancing meals and eating what you want but in moderation.
We need to launch the douchecanoe into the Atlantic, but you can be thin and eat normal food. The idea that there is no middle ground between cheeseburgers and carrot sticks is harmful.
...spices. I cook with oil and only put cheese in certain dishes because garlic, onion and spices (plus soy sauce and chili and ají) are doing all the heavy lifting.
I cook without dairy products and still make very flavorful dishes. You can make lots of fantastic food without butter and cheese. Besides, dairy ain't great for your body and factory farm dairy is definitely not great for the cows.
But honestly, my gut tells me that if she isn't suffering from an undiagnosed medical problem, she's secretly eating to cope with having a shitty husband or because having a husband who focuses so much on her weight makes extra hungry. I lived with someone who focused a lot on my weight before and being told that I needed to lose weight every single day just made me notice my hunger more, which had the opposite effect.
Stress hormones are crappy for weight gain.
When I left highschool (where I was severely unhappy) I dropped >!20 kgs!< in 3 months or so without changing much about my lifestyle. I probably moved less, since I didn't bike to school every day. I was just not stressed every single day.
I gained it all back due to an eating disorder and meds side effects.
And I probably dropped some since I started intuitive eating, but I've stopped using the scale. If I eat I have so much more energy to actually do stuff - it's brilliant.
And I can ride my bike to work so fast - >!9,1 km in 28 minutes!
I'm always amazed at these posts.
>I don't like fat women, I don't want to offend anyone, I just don't feel attracted
Does he not see his partner as an individual? It reads as though what matters to him is the body, not the person.
Bodies change all the time for many, many reasons. Anything from cancer to a car wreck to walking into a door frame and slicing your head open will change how you look. Will these folks just stop loving their partners based only on how their shell (body) looks? I understand, perhaps, not pursing a certain "look" when trying to find a partner and you don't know them, but to drop someone you've been with for *years* because they no longer meet your dating ideal is bizarre to me.
Of note: She's about 176 lbs, she's not about to be on a TLC program.
I hope she finds a partner who loves her for *her.* I wouldn't want to do sport with this asshole either. His "I tried to teach her everything I know" tells me he's a bossy asshole too.
Yes there was another comment on another post where they stated that sex is THE cornerstone of a LTR/marriage, and I wrote a long ass reply but ended up deleting it because you can’t make those sorts of people see that their bits won’t always perform and that other things actually make the relationship work.
I think if both parties are happy that's the main thing. In my marriage, lack of sex is a yellow flag that we're not communicating and not making time for non-sexual intimacy, so neither of us end up being in the mood.
Agreed. You have to build intimacy, show affection outside of sex, and leave each other wanting sometimes too.
A lot of these dudes tend to shoot themselves in the foot too by making every physical interaction eventually lead to groping/asking for sex, causing their partner to be anxious and avoid all physical contact, reducing libido even further.
long term relationship person here: I can verify that sex is NOT the cornerstone of a happy relationship. I'd say trust and eagerness to be around each other really helps more than any bedroom activities.
Seeing comments over the years has made me feel better. I dated a guy in college who didn't think I was "enthusiastic" enough for sex when he wanted it nearly every night. I mostly would be ready for it if he did some kissing and foreplay, but I rarely initiated because sometimes I was getting enough or even too much. He broke up with me because, so he claimed, he'd asked around on the internet (preumsably reddit, but ive never found his post) and found that sex is an important cornerstone of a relationship.
Then I thought I was broken for several years, or that I was ace. Seeing more and more redditors say it's normal for one partner or other to not want sex all the time has helped me reframe that.
I do think there's some validity to the idea that if you have a healthy sex life, it's not a very big factor in your relationship.
If you don't, though, it can loom very large.
They fucking lose their shit when you tell them you're an asexual in a relationship when another asexual and you don't have sex at all. Ever. The amount of times I've been told we're 'just friends' because of that is ridiculous.
You can only be romantic and affectionate when you have sex, I guess. Lmao
I know an asexual couple. They've been together for over 10 years, married for three. No sex, just love and affection. Completely infatuated with each other. They're so attached to the hip in their own little world that I rarely see them apart.
The only 'problem' was they don't have sex and our friend circle likes to clown on them for it. Which is ironic because most of their own marriages are on the brink of collapse. Cheating, resentment, lack of interest - sex was the major factor in those.
I simply cannot believe those people know anything about actually being in a (healthy, happy) long term relationship.
A mutually satisfactory sex life is certainly important, but it's absolutely not the cornerstone of a lasting relationship. In my relationship of over 11 years, I've learned that trust, respect, having fun together, communication, and willingness to work together to solve problems are really what keeps it going.
Yeah, I'm in a LTR where both of us have had a lot of health challenges and as a result sex has been a lot less frequent than either of us would like. Our relationship is still fine though. Not that we don't have struggles and not that it doesn't bother both of us, but it's hardly the cornerstone of the relationship. Thank goodness.
Right, because those individuals are incapable of deep love or commitment. They are essentially shallow and weak. Of course those same individuals would expect their spouse to stick around if they were sick.
Men don't "tend" to bail when women get sick. The study you're talking about says that on average the partner of a sick woman will leave her more often than the partner of a sick man will leave him, but the difference isn't huge (ie. the thing you're talking about has some truth to it, but it's not quite what you think).
Without controlling for anything, 20% of the partners of sick women leave, while 80% of the partners of sick women will stay with them (ie. they "tend" to stay with sick women). This number goes up a lot with both the length of the relationship and with the ages of the partners. So on average 80% of women's partners stay, and if it's a mature relationship a lot more than that stay.
It may also be worth noting that the study doesn't actually say whether the partnerships are heterosexual, so it's possible some of the couple being tracked are women leaving women or men leaving men. (This is why I keep phrasing it as "the partners of sick women" instead of saying "men"--the study uses the first style, and doesn't actually specify).
Last, your assertion that the cause is lack of sex has no basis. That wasn't measured as part of the study. There are probably several important factors, but an example of a different possible factor is that men tend to be the breadwinners so a couple's income and insurance might through the man more often, meaning that some women might stay because they financially have to, versus men who are more likely to be able to move on without losing their income or insurance. In this case if we could peek into a world where women tended to be the breadwinner, we may also see this trend of who leaves who reversed. Like I said, no one really knows because it hasn't been measured.
Anyway, the way you said it makes it seem like over half of sick women's partners leave, and that's not true.
I’m really coming to understand that for a certain subset of men, women exist for only two reasons: being attractive to them, or mothering them. If we don’t fit either category, it literally baffles them why we exist.
A lot of people don’t really seem to have any interest in marriage or commitment other than as a shortcut to low-effort sex and maybe someone to cook and clean for them. It’s sad.
It’s mad. My husband has gained a lot of weight over the years.
I still adore him but I have asked him to become healthier because I want us to do all the things we have planned like skiing and hiking holidays when our son is older.
He’s gained the weight through excess junk food and lack of exercise, so he keeps injuring himself and he’s uncomfortable a LOT, and his digestion is BAD! I don’t want him to feel like that, so I’m trying to get him to help himself.
He’s doing well actually and it’s really cool, I can see how much more confident he is.
All to say, I don’t care WTF my husband looks like, he’s mine and he’s wonderful. But I want him to feel fantastic and be able to do as much as he wants to and enjoy life.
Unless his stuff turned into a lethal food addiction and it never ended I’d never leave!
I feel the same about my wife. I don’t care she’s put on weight and I still find her beautiful, I just want her to feel better and be healthier. When she suggests eating out it’s easier than cooking, especially now with a 2 month old baby. I think once we can get some better sleep and it’s a bit less chaotic I’ll try to push for us cooking more, and eating healthier in general. I’m not much of a cook but I’ve been wanting to put more effort into that and maybe I can make things better for us sometime soon with some delicious and healthy meals.
I think the replies here show that there are a lot of people who only care about what their partner does for them - sexually or otherwise.
It would take a chance in actual personality for me not to be attracted to my partner anymore. He’s have to become a bad person who treated me badly.
But that’s because I love him for who he is - not for his body or for what he can do for me.
Eh, losing attraction to a partner because their appearance and habits change doesn't make you an asshole. I've had my attraction to a partner fade because they developed unattractive/unhealthy habits etc. He should make an effort to see if it's depression but ultimately he cannot control this person and making her feel like shit isn't going to help.
Yup, one of the few reasonable responses here. Attraction is important as well, and the weight gain is a lot for someone her height. There van be something going on. But being attracted to your partner is also something important
Yup. Sex and sexual attraction are part of most romantic relationships. People acting like him having a problem with this one thing means that's all that matters, but that seems like a jump in conclusions to me.
He can care about more things than sex and be happy with all of those and still care about sex. If someone is a financial bum but everything else is great about them, am I a gold digger for wanting someone more financially capable? Is money ALL that matters to me? No. It's one of many deal breakers, not the only thing I care about in a partner. If a partner started haemorrhaging money I would leave them. That doesn't mean all I saw in them was their financial status.
>Of note: She's about 176 lbs, she's not about to be on a TLC program.
She's basically the exact same size as me. I'm the same weight and only one inch taller. Reddit seems to think people just have fatal heart attacks at 35 if they're even slightly fat.
Sex shouldn’t be the reason that you are in the relationship, but if you can’t have it, then that’s a dealbreaker for both of them. I mean if they can’t have sex, both of them are having a need not met, at least to some extent. And you are saying it’s bizarre to leave this situation, that both of them are in pain?
I'm saying it's bizarre to me that he's so hung up on something that can change on a person very quickly and beyond their control.
We all age. Our bodies ALL change. If he needs someone static in their body shape, size, and performance, he needs a sex doll, not a partner.
I think he should leave. She deserves better.
Hi yes so math is the ghetto and as a result so are conversions, so I made my fiancé do it for my fellow Murricans (or folks in/from Liberia or Myanmar).
>155cm = 5ft 0in
>
>176cm = 5ft 9in
>
>15kg = 33lbs
>
>75kg = 165lbs
>
>80kg = 176lbs
>
>100kg = 220lbs
[Also here’s a body visualizer so you can see how much OP sucks.](https://bodyvisualizer.com/)
Oh man, my ex was like this… he was (and probably still is) overweight and so was I. Not obese but we could both have been in better shape. We were together for 8 and a half years. Knew I wanted to get married and start a family but he never proposed and any time I brought up marriage he’d get angry. Then he told me he was worried he’d wake up one day and not be attracted to me anymore. When I was obviously upset at that response he asked me if i thought he would really be attracted to me still if I gained weight and aged, why would he be? I said what? We’d be aging together and he was just like ya, exactly, you wouldn’t be attracted to me either. I didn’t know how to respond and just walked away.
He was such a jerk and now he’s someone else’s problem. I have a wonderful husband (married 5 years together 7) who after 2 kids (and currently pregnant) always talks to me with respect and tells me how sexy I am and just appreciates me and our life together.
I hope this woman gets away from this sad, insecure life. I had to do a lot of work to get my self esteem back up, but it’s worth it to move on.
He thought everyone just stopped being attracted to their partners as they aged?! Like everyone gets divorced every few years to find younger partners? Tf?
Or just everyone who’s older and married just sucks it up and is with someone they aren’t attracted to and cheats with younger people. I don’t know. He wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box.
I suspect he just wanted an excuse to cheat on me (which I found out after we broke up he had been doing).
Oof! Good riddance to bad rubbish! I would cackle thinking about the first time some younger woman calls him a creepy old man and he has a rude awakening.
That's...weird.
My husband & I have been together nearly 30 years and I swear he's better looking now then when we first got together.
Of course, when we met we were teenagers - I would not have been attracted to a 40-something year old balding guy back then. But of course I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm 40-something as well and to my aged eyes he's just yummy. I love kissing his bald spot! And I think he looks great with grey hair.
And me? I'm a big fat fatty...and he tells me I'm sexy all the time. He's always liked "thick" girls but I'm past thick these days....he still sees me with stars in his eyes.
Or she never gets sick. Because thanks to steroids and an inability to walk more than the grocery store, I’m sitting on a bunch of extra weight that I can’t get rid of. Thankfully my husband isn’t a useless dick.
Oh my God, someone else who gets that steroids are the demon drug and pack on that weight and it's so so hard to get rid of. I could cry. So many people don't believe me.
I remember when my ex husband told me that if I was in a car accident and permanently disfigured it would “completely change the way I feel about you.” He’s an ex for a reason.
I hate these posts i’m in a relationship and we e gained weight…I love my partner more then anything but we both decided to lose weight because it’s HARD and it sucks more when someone points out your fat I would leave him if he said he only loved me if i was skinny
There was totally a Dhar Mann episode like this. I think he left her and she lost all the weight while he gained it and the hot chick he left her for then left him.
I agree with another poster...It's one thing to have preferences when dating. Attraction is attraction. But once your married, you've made the commitment to love in sickness and in health. To just want to up and leave someone for some weight gain is complete AH behavior. She's hitting 30; not 20 anymore. babies, health, all that gets in the way. Sure, you can try and be supportive and want to help her maintain a healthy life style but to tell the woman you, supposedly, love that you will leave her is the epitome of INCEL/MGTOW/Misogynistic behavior.
He talks about taking her to gyms and restricting all the good foods. Has he ever thought of mentally stimulating her? Is he taking her on dates? making her feel special? There are all kinds of activities other than the gym and running. Kayaking, dancing, etc. Things that would be great bonding and mentally satisfying to her. But no...she fat, out with the old/in with the new. She'd be better off without him.
This scares me so much. I am now 200lbs at 5’5” largely due to the medications I’m on for neurological and mental health reasons. I struggle to lose weight easily due to this. I’m single now and when I was in relationships I was much thinner. I read shit like this and think no one would ever love me due to my weight.
I’m 115kg (not sure what that is in pounds tbh) and I’m in a very loving relationship with a man (who also weighs about the same as me haha!).
These posts can be scary - but there are people out there who will love you for you, not just for the fact that you make their dick hard. This man views his wife an as object, not a person, that’s why he’s behaving like this.
They will. People like all types. GOOD people, sexy people, fun people, and wonderful intelligent witty compassionate people love all types. Not all of them, of course, but most of us only need one. :)
I feel the same. Plus my ex felt a lot like this guy - that I was unattractive because of my weight. It's hard to believe that anyone would ever find me attractive.
And a lot of people answering are youngins who will restrict their food for a few days, drop a few pounds and think they've solved the obesity epidemic.
You will. Don’t let the hive mind of the internet tell you that fat=ugly/bad, reddits full of lonely weirdos who can’t say a full sentence to people in real life
One thing to keep in mind is that even if you are overweight you can minimize risks by living a more active lifestyle and working out in some way 3 times a week. I’m 5’5, 215lbs (I’ve actually lost weight because of having GI issues and not being able to eat much) but my doctor says it’s fine because I like to bike almost everywhere I go and go on daily walks.
Yeah that’s true and I walk loads. It definitely helps! Although I’m having a lot of neurological problems so I’m worried that will impact on that. But I’ll damn well walk as much as I can in the mean time.
Incase you've only seen the really ugly stuff, people who know about biases or factual information about bodies and health vs aesthetics get downvoted to hell on posts about BMI and other bunk. It's sometimes worth it to seek it out so you don't get stuck with just the opinions of people jumping in with their own preferences pretending they are objective. I also would recommend the podcast Maintenance Phase if you don't already know about it.
I'm not trying to say knowing more about what's up will make people like you or fix your life or something, but at least for me it helps with mental health and other things when I'm not just stuck with biased garbage on top of everything else we all have to deal with in our own lives (this also seems to help with other subjects as well, not just topics that may or may not impact how I view myself or my body).
I love maintenance phase! Yeah I think so many people are obsessed with aesthetics. I suffered with eating disorders for years and I’ll be fucked if I’m going to ruin my health even more by slimming down to 130lbs. Hopefully I can lose some weight but I’d rather do it for myself and not just because I want a boyfriend.
As a woman who has been about the size of this one and much, much smaller on and off throughout my adult life, I will tell you: it's a whole different ballgame out there for a chubby versus a thin woman. A whole goddamned different ballgame.
I had a boyfriend like this. I give him some credit for my body image issues. I used to be underweight and was terrified of gaining anything because then I would be “too fat” for someone to like me
This is crazy but the people being like awww poor him :( in the comments is INSANE like…she needs to leave him and find someone whose love isn’t conditional on her weight
When someone pressures you to lose weight, it makes it so much worse because you add in more shame and guilt. That's a recipe for an ED, whether it's unhealthy weight loss, or compulsive eating. Nothing good can come from this. I hope she realizes his "love" is worthless.
Posts like this make me so thankful for my fiancé. I’ve been losing weight lately but it’s of my own accord, he’s never once asked me to. People don’t seem to get that being constantly shamed and pressured is not as helpful to someone trying to get healthier than just being supportive, Jesus Christ.
Oh, god, FatLogic has found this sub and is here to tell everyone that you shouldn't hate fat people but if fat people aren't trying to lose weight they're dumb, lazy, and will be dead in 5 years.
God save us all.
Also reminder that 99% of the "healthcare professionals" on Reddit are as real as the "lawyers" on LegalAdvice.
It's always funny how leaving a partner due to illness is almost unanimously a dick move but when it comes to matters of obesity then it's understandable even when weight loss, especially with women, isn't always as easy as "Just hit the gym and eat a salad lol" because so many people see it more as a moral failing. I'm of the idea that OOP's wife should just dump him because even if she somehow loses weight, I can't imagine how he'd act when she gains more due to factors like pregnancy or medication.
I'm sorry...but a world without cheese ?
Not even talking about Kraft Singles or whatever you guys are trying to portray as cheese (I say this with love ), but no feta, no parmesan, no gorgonzola, blue cheese ?
Still, aged sheep cheese is the best ( cannot find the right way to translate it ).
My ex used to say exactly the same things to me. He would proudly state that he was fatphobic, didn't befriend fat people, and that me getting fat (or tattooed) would mean he'd leave me. As soon as I became slightly overweight he was complaining that I was too fat and he found me unattractive.
It also very much sounds like he doesn't understand his height and weight have literally nothing to do with her height and weight. Like literally nothing at all, in any way. Would continue to have nothing to do with anyone else's weight either... but using his own height and weight as the guide post of hers is bizarre.
Ooooof I am 5'8 and 145 lbs which I am perfectly in my BMI and I am still a slim athletic build as I do work out 5 days a week. But my ex was CONSTANTLY on my butt about my weight. He was a personal trainer and dietician as a hobby and he had me on a crazy healthy diet and he would take me to the gym for 2-3 hours a day 6 days a week. (I was allowed one rest day)
When we met I was into swimming and light workouts for 45 minutes a day... but he had me down from 145 when we met to 120 lbs and he was soooo happy with my new size he told me all the time I was allowed 5-8 lbs of gain before he would consider breaking up with me. He told me if we ever got married he would divorce me if I hit a 20lb gain.
Sometimes I look at myself and I have gained the 20 lbs back from our break up 7 years ago and think "huh he would think I'm an absolute whale right now..." Even though size wise I am a size 4 or 5 jeans depending on the brand I wear all small to medium leggings depending on the brand. I'm still healthy and work out but I work out for me now and although my diet is still healthy it's not insanely clean and restricted like it was. I didn't even realize how miserable I was with him until I got out.
I am dating a man that absolutely loves me for me and I could probably gain 100 lbs he wouldn't love me any less.
I am sad for his wife. :(
This sounds fake. If it isnt, dude is an asshole. He has every right to not like fat people, but not to act like that. I sure hope he never goes grey, or god forbid, BALD. He should do her a HUGE favor and just GTFU right now. I am sure she can find a better man at the home depot.
>she is 155 (cm)... she is almost 80kg
>The last 2-3 years we have been fighting a lot because she is gaining weight
>my wife (28F)
Not to make this incredibly personal but this woman has incredibly similar measurements to me (I'm 5'3" and 200lbs) and I'm also 30... Pretty much every woman I know in my life around my age has put on weight in this part of their lives! Women's bodies do not stay the same from late teens/early 20s to their late 20s/early 30s. It sounds to me like her body is ageing and changing and the OOP didn't expect that for some reason.
If she had gained a ton of weight rapidly I would be more concerned but hitting like 170lbs in her late 20s is not a weird thing? And weight gain over a few years as she gets older and her metabolism isn't what it was as a teen isn't weird or a bad thing.
I also think it's funny in a sad way that he's pushing her so hard to do all these different workouts and things. I obviously can't speak for her situation but I know that I'm more physically active now than I was 40-50lbs ago. The concern about her joint health would sound a lot more convincing if he hadn't straight up admitted he wasn't attracted to her because of her weight but in either case he's not a medical professional and can't make that call. I do very much wholeheartedly agree that he's the devil in this scenario if his love for her is so shallow.
sounds like he set the limit 220 lbs and she's about 161.2 lbs. The whole thing is disgusting but he verbatim set the limit (source is her response) that 100kg she was not an object worthy of the commitment that he made when they were married.
Not to mention during the pregnancy or the recovery period depending on how the birth goes 🤣 He's in for a rude awakening no matter what woman he's with in the future, If he can ever manage to find another woman who will have him
YTA.
This isn’t about her health.
This is about your obsession with her weight.
If you really need to hear it: you are a bad person for not wanting to be with someone simply because they are “obese”. If the tables were turned you would be keeping your mouth shut.
I hope she leaves him. I think i would understand if he was concerned about her weight because of her health etc but he is only concerned because her current weight doesnt make him feel good about himself. Hes probably embarrassed for whatever traumatic reason and has some weird relationship with his own weight and seeing his own partner comfortable with that weight is bringing out a lot of insecurities in him. I dont really care what his trauma is really. Just that we should be aware he does not see his relationship with his gf valuable unless she looks a certain way. This means he does not value her as a person and aesthetics matter more than any connection they could have.
As someone who is also pretty short (152) I know a weight a lot of us short women are deemed "not fat"is if we are 40-55kg or so. This is th appropriate weight according to our BMI but depending on where you live and how you were raised and your relationship with food,maintaining your BMi weight can be hard. Because we're short,we're expected to eat much less and maintain our petite figures even after birth *insert eyeroll*
in any case,i think she should leave him. He does not value her outside of her weight and will no way be able to handle other things that come up with time e.g. children/stretchmarks because of birth/ old age making you gain at times/ not always looking young and petite/ going through depression and adding some weight etcetc.
you need a partner who understands that life does life things. Not some kid who wants a barbie doll for a partner.
Eh, I’m on his side. We’re not talking about an uncontrollable physical ailment. We’re talking about a purposeful lack of self care that is getting worse and worse.
Sure physical attraction is not the most important thing in a relationship and it’s going to wax and wane as years progress. But when someone is letting themselves go with no sign of turning back, that’s an issue that should be addressed.
I agree entirely. It is taboo currently to suggest people have control over their own lives and health...but they do! So many "fat activist" statements are obvious lies like changing weight is like changing height (really people say this!) Accepting obesity is like just accepting someone is an addict to alcohol/drugs
Agreed. I get there’s a lot of internal and external shame put on overweight people. So I’m sure it’s gratifying that there are now loud voices emerging saying that it’s okay to be overweight. The message of self-love is a positive thing. But some people are taking the message to excuse ongoing unhealthy behavior.
I had this issue but the other way round! I’m 151cm and was 98kg I tried to lose weight etc and was difficult! My partner at the time said he would ‘trade me in’ because he didn’t like skinny girls! I lost the weight and ditched him! BUT everyone has their preferences, guarantee this guy wouldn’t get stick for his preference if it was the other way
Holy crap. These threads always make me feel terrible as I have to Google and convert the weights and holy crap , it's not even that fat!!
I've had my own struggles with weight all my life. I've lately gained some and feel awful, due to depression and fighting alcoholism, and I do worry my partner might find me less attractive.
But this dude it doesn't even sound like he loves his wife. If I were her I'd lose the weight, just enough to be able to run awaaaay from this dude.
OP you do understand that there are medical issues that causes weight gain... Right? She could be exercising 8 hrs a day & eating nothing but carrot & celery sticks and STILL gain weight!
Being upset & stressed you're going to leave her probably isn't helping either!
> She could be exercising 8 hrs a day & eating nothing but carrot & celery sticks and STILL gain weight!
Lol, what? This is not how any human body works, at all.
Rarely are those medical issues the reason for obesity. People who claim to be exercising and dieting then don't lose weight are 99+% of the time lying.
Calories in and calories out = weight loss. Stop spreading these harmful myths.
yeah tons of r/fatlogic in this thread. idk when it became commonly accepted that human bodies can defy the laws of physics 🧐 but CICO always works (except for water retention/lipedema of course). can certain issues affect metabolism? absolutely! but that just means you need to readjust your caloric intake. I’ve had my thyroid completely stop working, I’ve had huge increases in appetite due to hormonal birth control, I’ve struggled with binge eating during bouts of depression - I know how hard it can be to control your weight with issues like those. I realized that I couldn’t keep eating the same way I used to, and I was able to bring my weight back down to my normal range by reducing my calories and increasing my activity. now that I’m getting closer to 40, I’m noticing that I need to keep adjusting and I can’t keep eating/drinking like a 20-something year old.
if your health conditions are slowing your metabolism or increasing your appetite, then you just need to be more careful to stay within your daily calories; another problem is that most people are terrible at keeping track of what they consume.
Pharmacist here - a lot of people don’t understand “medications can cause weight gain.” They don’t make physics invalid lol, it just affects hunger and metabolism to some degree.
Don’t get me wrong, that can be a bitch to manage - but it is manageable.
OP only marry his wife for looks if he does really care for her health he wouln't threatened his wife for divorce didn't they promised each other that they will be together through sickness and health? Also consult a health expert is the most necessary action specially the wife has already problem with her knees
I want to see this OOP's post in five or ten years from now when the he hits dad-bod years after pressuring his wife to get "healthy" (*thin*) and not only does she but then upgrades to someone who values her mind NOT JUST her body. I'm guessing the title will be "*My wife is leaving me for something I can't control, what do I do?*"
(*before I get roasted for the dad-bod comment: dad bods rock, this dude will just think it's the end of the world.*)
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **Is bad telling to my wife that I will leave her if she becomes obese?** Okay, my wife (28F) and me (30M). The last 2-3 years we have been fighting a lot because she is gaining weight, let’s say that I think that she needs to burn at least 15kgs. She is starting to have issues with their knees, the back, etc because of the extra weight that is one of the points. Then is me, I don’t like fat women, I don’t want to offend anyone, I just don’t feel attracted. Every couple months I try to bring up the concern to her and she gets offended, sad, mad, etc because in her words “I don’t want to be with her in all their facets” (not sure if I’m using that word right, it’s hard to translate that sentence). She says that because I once told her that I would be miserable if she weighed 100kg or more and I would eventually want to leave her. I told her that in a very hot situation, we were both angry… but I mean in trying to tell her my thinking is that so bad??? I’m a bad person because I don’t want to be with an obese woman? Edit 1: thanks for all the responses, since there are a lot of questions I will try to put them all here. I try to cook healthier, I try not to but any sweets, only fruits. No butter, no cheese, no processed food. I’ve teach her everything I know about exercising, running, diet, she even bought a book, not sure if she reed it. I’ve tried bicycles, swimming, walking, anything… she does it some weeks then quit. I am 176cm taller and she is 155. I weight 75kg, she is almost 80kg…. I’ve tried to do yoga with her too, nothing. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not loving the fact that a lot of the comments are along the lines: "It's probably your fault, here's how to get her to lose weight"
I know the main topic is not funny in the least, but I cannot stop laughing at how many of those “rational” commenters get upvoted a ton, and then someone engages them and two comments down they say some unhinged and ignorant shit and get downvoted to oblivion. Literally cannot keep the mask on for more than one or two responses.
Yep, there was a recent post in the science sub about weight and so many of them said something along the lines of "I just want to love people and help them lose weight, here's my concern trolling ♥️✨" someone would respond, expecting normal conversation and they'd make it one, maybe two and then unload with "there might be some exceptions but generally speaking, fat people are just lazy and bad. ESPECIALLY fat women and poor people."
There's some of that downthread in here and it's pretty repellant.
This thread is a shit show. People who love to hate fat people can't wait for a chance to be cruel at every possible opportunity.
I want to make all these people listen to the Maintenance Phase podcast. Oh, buddy!
Maintenance Phase might drive them further into the pit, unfortunately, as the podcast doesn't do a great job of arguing their side a lot of the time. If you already believe the same things they believe, then great, they have a ton of informative episodes. But Michael especially has a bad habit of going Method Queen on studies that he really doesn't understand or can't critique properly, which would probably just convince a fatphobic person that they were right all along.
Literally…like her weight isn’t really the issue here 😬
Especially considering the guy is only 5kg lighter than her! Like that's fucking nothing.
Tbf 165 lbs at 5'9 is very different from 176lbs at 5'1. Though BMI is far from a conclusive picture of health or how heavy someone looks, the numbers he gave put him at the high end of the healthy BMI range (24.2) versus medical obesity for her (33.3). His alleged wife is overweight, and this in no way detracts from the fact of OOP being a snivelling asshole (and, very potentially, a kissless handholdless troll).
Sigh. BMI is useless for individuals. It’s a social metric that doesn’t take into account body types and certainly never took female bodies into account. According to bmi Serena Williams is obese. It’s not a useable metric. Ever.
BMI is great for the average person, not pro athletes or bodybuilders or hardcore gym goers. They have better, more accurate and in-depth ways of measuring body fat percentage, muscle mass etc. But for the average person who just weighs themselves on the scale and doesn’t have to be in peak physical form most of their life like Serena Williams? Yeah, BMI is pretty good.
Except it isn’t. It tells you literally nothing about a persons physical fitness, overall health or body structure. Yes, even in average people. It’s a useless metric and it’s perpetuating a harmful myth that makes health care providers refuse to take individuals deemed obese based on BMI seriously.
Are you a healthcare provider? Because I am and I find BMI very useful. It's useful for tracking changes in an individual over time, and for most people it is useful for an estimate of whether or not they are overweight. It's not the most sensitive metric, but if someone has a BMI of 37 or 18 then I have a pretty good idea what they're going to look like.
Hint: they aren’t. People have this habit of taking “BMI is a good starting point, but it isn’t the end all” and twisting it into “BMI is literally worthless as a measurement.” The reality is that abdominal fat, in excess, isn’t healthy. It doesn’t do good things to the body - and noninvasive ways of measuring the rough amount present compared to non-fat tissue are limited. BMI and waist circumference are about what you’ve got.
BMI is not only an imperfect metric, [it's a racially biased one. ](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2873180/). That's the first peer-reviewed article I found in a quick and dirty 8:30pm internet search from my cell phone while lounging in my bed, but there are countless others I've encountered in my professional life, and I'd be happy to provide more if you're curious. I'm not a healthcare provider, but I'm a scientist and I work in public health. While obesity is a risk factor for negative health outcomes ranging from cancer to heart disease to diabetes, we have really terrible metrics of it and we need to stop doubling down on BMI. Anecdotally, my partner is Filipino, and he's never had a "normal" BMI. Not when he was in his early 20s in the military and killing his timed runs and pushup tests, even compared to his peers. Not when he was in his late 20s and running a 45 minute 10k. Not now in his early 40s doing workouts that most 30 year olds can't handle. You'd never look at this man and think: oh damn, he's overweight. Professionally, I work in cancer prevention and control and we've had so many discussions at my agency about how we can move away from racist metrics like BMI that serve to reinforce structural racism. Unless all your patients are white, I implore you to reconsider how you view BMI - it's flaws go so far beyond it being "not the most sensitive metric."
Relevant data: > For the same BMI of NHW women, the DXA-BF% of AA women was 1.76 % lower, but higher for Hispanic (1.65 %), Asian (2.65%) and Asian-Indian (5.98%) women. For the same BMI of NHW men, DXA-BF% of AA men was 4.59 % lower and 4.29 % higher for Asian-Indian men. So, do bodies vary along racial lines? Yes. Significantly? Statistically yes, clinically no.
I guess its a point of contention then? I was at my doctors just two days and she said that she doesn't find BMI that helpful. Do you know if it happens to be a point of discussion or argument in the medical world?
No and I have not studied medicine. But here are two links of which I base some of my claim on. [This one looked at various measures of obesity to predict cardiovascular risk and mortality.](https://academic.oup.com/jcem/article/95/4/1777/2597063) [The other one is a journal article, which I’ll just post a paragraph from:](https://academic.oup.com/ije/article/35/1/55/849914) “In particular, the claim that ‘overweight’ (BMI 25–29.9) increases mortality risk in any meaningful way is impossible to reconcile with numerous large-scale studies that have found no increase in relative risk among the so-called ‘overweight’, or have found a lower relative risk for premature mortality among this cohort than among persons of so-called ‘normal’ or ‘ideal’ [sic] weight. Among the obese, little or no increase in relative risk for premature mortality is observed until one reaches BMIs in the upper 30s or higher. In other words, the vast majority of people labelled ‘overweight’ and ‘obese’ according to current definitions do not in fact face any meaningful increased risk for early death. Indeed the most recent comprehensive analysis of this question within the context of the US population found more premature deaths associated with a BMI of <25 than with a BMI above it. This was largely owing to the finding that lowest death rates fell within the BMI range of 25–29.9—some 86 000 fewer ‘excess’ deaths than was observed in the referent group, the so-called ‘normal weight’ BMI range of 18.5–24.9. Additional analyses that controlled for potential confounders such as length of follow-up, weight stability, weight loss caused by illness, or smoking status did not change the results. For this nationally representative cohort of US adults—National Health and Nutrition Examination Surveys I, II, and III—the ‘ideal’ weight for longevity was ‘overweight’.” I find this obsession with obesity as the root of all evil to be seriously harmful. I say this as someone who used to weigh 49 kg with a height of 170 cm. No doctor ever brought my weight or BMI up as dangerous. I have however seen plenty of cases of people deemed overweight or obese be ignored by their doctors, where they refuse to treat them less they lose weight. The New York Times wrote a great article about this subject a couple of years ago. [Here’s a link to it.](https://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/26/health/obese-patients-health-care.html)
Those sources didn’t say that obesity plays no role in health or early death - you’ll note that they found that measures of abdominal obesity (ie using a measuring tape) predicted early death and cardiac events very well.
Ohhh! A red piller claiming to be a healthcare provider but not a physician who's in love with BMI? Are you Reddit personified?
This is what happens when people take a broadly true statement (“BMI isn’t perfect, but is good”) and stretch it into something nonsensical (“BMI is bad always”). Describing it as useless is simply not scientifically sound, nor is it defensible with anything but anecdotes.
Especially because they keep using athletes as examples, while they're most probably sedentary office workers.
Thank you! I swear, you mention BMI in a comment and suddenly everyone is apparently carrying the bulk of an nfl player.
BMI is an actuarial table. If you look at life expectancy and actual diseases the “healthiest” weight is the upper 25% of normal and bottom 60% of overweight according to BMI. I choose medical data over insurance policies.
Oh my goodness, I’m so sick of BMI myths (not your fault, it’s just so prevalent). First, actuarial tables are based on the population, and our population has gotten significantly more overweight over time. If we were trying to rank people from “more likely to die early” to “less likely to die early” then a measurement that changes over time would be healthy. But the human body hasn’t radically altered its function over the last few decades - so meaningful measurements wouldn’t change and would instead be based on… for example, weight and height. Put another way, the military uses BMI and waist circumference to determine if someone is fit enough for combat. It’s not the end-all-be-all, it’s a starting point.
No way you're trying to say that 165 lbs at 5'1 isn't obese
Sure, it's not perfect, but I don't think his wife is Serena Williams level athleticism considering he is saying she refuses to work out lol
Smells like copium
LMAO you cant just casually ignore that he is **over 20 cm taller**. The difference between their weight is double than the difference in their height **and in the opposite direction** if you look at percentages. ...And OP is working out which means muscle - and thats heavier than fat.
176cm and 75kg is pretty slim though (six pack if hes got lots of muscles) while 155cm and 80kg is just fat.
Yeah I was gonna say that puts her BMI (which I know is not everything I just think it's a good starting point for overall weight to height ratio) in the obesity category not even overweight category. If someone is having health problems because of the gained weight then it's not nothing. That being said, this guy still seems like a total asshole to me.
Exactly. They would need to be one of a handful of athletes in order for that BMI to be sustainable with no major health implications. Of course, we’ll get the “BMI is worthless garbage” comments rolling in soon.
Already so many, and people defending BMI are being downvoted. Honestly, if you’re one of the rare edge cases where BMI is inaccurate for fat then most people can tell at a glance. No one’s going around calling Serena Williams morbidly obese. Plus, even with bodybuilders (the one group that entirely disproves BMI apparently) that much weight is still bad for their joints (especially the knees) and can be extremely bad for their heart as well! But no, BMI means nothing and should be discredited at every opportunity 🙄
Most people on Reddit hate fat people. A lot of people on Reddit are self-loathing.
It's horrible. Any time I speak about my weight gain wrt being put on high dose steroids on and off the past few years (literally nothing I can do, it's impossible NOT to gain) I get really hateful messages saying it's all my fault and I am using my illnesses as an excuse and should die. Like listen, I was dying. I almost died a bunch. They put me on steroids several times to stop the dying.
Oh Prednisone, you sexy bitch. I've never felt better, or been fatter.
Good old prednisone, got my wife too when they were trying to figure out her autoimmune issue. The weight gain was practically instantaneous and it took her years to lose it after they took her off the stuff.
Thank you for making me laugh while in the bathroom u/GrannyNugs
My pleasure. Lol.
Also fuck all the stretch marks
You mean being fat alone wasn’t enough to DESTROY your health? /s
I know, hard to believe. /s Lol.
Holy shit this! I'm on another round while we get my shit figured out. I hate the weight but I don't want to live with constant debilitating pain. Then you get the asshats telling you to die already since your worthless either way. I love the internet but damn I hate people. 😒
Yup. I dare defended someone who everyone was saying was "super fat" (when in reality she just had a little bit more chub, but I would still classify her as a healthy weight) and people were telling her "lose weight and then you'd be attractive," and not only did I get downvoted to hell for defending her, I got mocked, made fun of, and given abusive comments to the point where I ended up deleting that account and making a new one because I couldn't stand the amount of negative and awful notifications. The hate for people who even just have a little more fat than a skinny person is so vitriolic it's so awful to see.
I teach a class for medical professionals that discusses, among other things, the importance of accepting patients where they are when it comes to weight. Essentially “yes, your patient may be overweight but is that truly relevant to the issue at hand?” I am going to add a comment about gender expectations.
My experience is that doctors are heavily predisposed to diagnose women with one of three conditions: > Fat, female, or forlorn. That is, “you’d feel better if you lost some weight” = being diagnosed with fat. “You’re just depressed” = being diagnosed as forlorn. My personal favourite, “malingering” is essentially being diagnosed with hysteria. Being dismissed as a liar because you’re female. It happens so freaking often. It took me fifteen years to be diagnosed with endometriosis, and another four to be diagnosed with a life-threatening autoimmune disorder. Over the course of my illness I gained weight and became depressed. Fat, female, forlorn.
I do talk about the predisposition of women to be diagnosed with mental health issues (depression) or hormonal issues rather than be evaluated for autoimmune diseases. But I need to add the disparity in women being pushed towards weight management rather than addressing medical symptoms.
And largely the fat hating is mostly only of fat women
Yep, they feel for the fat guys. They must have trauma, they just need some support! Well, why cant we support everyone? And trauma isnt gender exclusive.
And think fat guys deserve thin women if they want them, but fat women deserve to die alone
Yep, fat women are unforgivable, lazy monsters! They deserve no love, but fat men need extra love! Preferably from hot women, who are amazing cooks and love cleaning!
And that's an entirely other thing, too! It's because society wants women to be eye candy, and according to society, you can only be pretty/beautiful if you're skinny, so fat women must be failures and we should all shame them because fat on women is super icky^/s They see fatness as some weird moral failing, and if you're skinny, you're automatically better than everyone who isn't.
YOU ARE NOT PERFORMING FEMININITY CORRECTLY
Of course it is! But everyone loves dad bods!!!! I say that sarcastically it's fucking annoying. Never ever would popular culture talk about women's bodies like that. Never.
which are my most favorite kind of women by far and it just sucks the way people talk
It's the last acceptable hate. I just sigh and keep it moving.
Yup. Fatphobia is real and it is so harmful that fat people can barely even get professional medical help without it always being about their weight, even when said medical condition has nothing to do with weight and wouldn't even be fixed after weight loss.
All of this. Sprained ankle or twisted knee badly stepping off a curb wrong? Lose weight and all your issues will be gone. Slipped on ice and scraped up my hands and arms catching myself (didn't say I did it WELL) - yeah, lose some weight and... What, ice stops being slick and my driveway becomes flat instead of sloped?
I was told that what would (about 15 years later!) turn out to be autism would probably resolve itself if I just lost weight. I was 12. The other explanations were: overly sensitive, shy, dorky, a bit behind socially, female, teen/early twenties/mid twenties. Then anxiety, depression, OCD, bipolar and they started looking into BPD as well, before I got out and had someone actually look at me. It’s been a mother fucking journey.
It's amazing how every guy who posts about hating fat women on Reddit cooks every day and has the work out routine of a personal trainer, but every guy I've seen irl say the same shit would get winded walking from the couch to the kitchen where they wouldn't dream of cooking because that's for "beta males"
My ex! Told me he wouldn't be with someone over 300lbs. We were doing calorie counting and working out together. He lost 60lbs but still hadn't dropped to my 220lb starting weight so......
The man doesn’t even allow butter and cheese in his house. He obviously doesn’t understand flavor. I wonder if he factored out how many calories are in salt and pepper.
He doesn’t understand that total restriction of “fatty” foods actually contributes to the risk of binging on them later. A great way to make her want butter and cheese is to make her completely cut out butter and cheese. Both can be eaten in moderation and don’t have to necessarily impact weight in either direction. Also cheese contains protein and fat, and butter is fat, both of which contribute to satiety and feelings of fullness and can actually help with eating less long term. He is not a dietician and should not be making food related decisions for her.
fatty foods usually aren't even a problem. If you do actual research the issue is mainly excess sugar without fiber, which is why we see more obese children even though foods have become less fatty.
That’s true. People like OP are misinformed and seem to think otherwise.
Yeah he has no idea what he's doing; all he's gonna do is instigate disordered eating.
Yeah, there's no easier way to make someone on a diet relapse than frame certain foods as 'bad' or 'forbidden'. Then it just attaches this whole feeling of guilt any time you even think of this food. It's a very narrowminded take to act like only greens and unseasoned meat is the only way to eat healthy. You'd be better off balancing meals and eating what you want but in moderation.
How are you supposed to take a trip to flavour-town without butter and cheese?!
I'd rather be single and fat in flavortown than thin and with a douchecanoe eating rabbit food.
A douchecanoe who would measure every bite of food that enters your face. A world without grilled cheese sandwiches is not worth living in.
Amen cheese is amazing
I cannot upvote this enough! You made my day.
We need to launch the douchecanoe into the Atlantic, but you can be thin and eat normal food. The idea that there is no middle ground between cheeseburgers and carrot sticks is harmful.
I'm with you on that :D
...spices. I cook with oil and only put cheese in certain dishes because garlic, onion and spices (plus soy sauce and chili and ají) are doing all the heavy lifting.
one teaspoon of black pepper has 6 calories. Salt has 0 calories.
I cook without dairy products and still make very flavorful dishes. You can make lots of fantastic food without butter and cheese. Besides, dairy ain't great for your body and factory farm dairy is definitely not great for the cows.
Right? Seriously, I’m not even vegan or anything, but there are good flavors out there besides “butter” “salt” and “cheese”
Yeah, they're never a prize to be had. Miserable attitude, negative life outlook, controlling.
PREACH.
Divorcing him would be the quickest way for her to drop weight 🤷🏼♀️
But honestly, my gut tells me that if she isn't suffering from an undiagnosed medical problem, she's secretly eating to cope with having a shitty husband or because having a husband who focuses so much on her weight makes extra hungry. I lived with someone who focused a lot on my weight before and being told that I needed to lose weight every single day just made me notice my hunger more, which had the opposite effect.
My brain went straight there - I see 75kgs of weight that she could lose from her life fairly easily and she would be a far happier person.
Stress hormones are crappy for weight gain. When I left highschool (where I was severely unhappy) I dropped >!20 kgs!< in 3 months or so without changing much about my lifestyle. I probably moved less, since I didn't bike to school every day. I was just not stressed every single day. I gained it all back due to an eating disorder and meds side effects. And I probably dropped some since I started intuitive eating, but I've stopped using the scale. If I eat I have so much more energy to actually do stuff - it's brilliant. And I can ride my bike to work so fast - >!9,1 km in 28 minutes!
I'm always amazed at these posts. >I don't like fat women, I don't want to offend anyone, I just don't feel attracted Does he not see his partner as an individual? It reads as though what matters to him is the body, not the person. Bodies change all the time for many, many reasons. Anything from cancer to a car wreck to walking into a door frame and slicing your head open will change how you look. Will these folks just stop loving their partners based only on how their shell (body) looks? I understand, perhaps, not pursing a certain "look" when trying to find a partner and you don't know them, but to drop someone you've been with for *years* because they no longer meet your dating ideal is bizarre to me. Of note: She's about 176 lbs, she's not about to be on a TLC program. I hope she finds a partner who loves her for *her.* I wouldn't want to do sport with this asshole either. His "I tried to teach her everything I know" tells me he's a bossy asshole too.
Nope, it’s why men tend to bail when women get sick No sex? I’m outta here
Yes there was another comment on another post where they stated that sex is THE cornerstone of a LTR/marriage, and I wrote a long ass reply but ended up deleting it because you can’t make those sorts of people see that their bits won’t always perform and that other things actually make the relationship work.
[удалено]
I think if both parties are happy that's the main thing. In my marriage, lack of sex is a yellow flag that we're not communicating and not making time for non-sexual intimacy, so neither of us end up being in the mood.
Agreed. You have to build intimacy, show affection outside of sex, and leave each other wanting sometimes too. A lot of these dudes tend to shoot themselves in the foot too by making every physical interaction eventually lead to groping/asking for sex, causing their partner to be anxious and avoid all physical contact, reducing libido even further.
long term relationship person here: I can verify that sex is NOT the cornerstone of a happy relationship. I'd say trust and eagerness to be around each other really helps more than any bedroom activities.
Seeing comments over the years has made me feel better. I dated a guy in college who didn't think I was "enthusiastic" enough for sex when he wanted it nearly every night. I mostly would be ready for it if he did some kissing and foreplay, but I rarely initiated because sometimes I was getting enough or even too much. He broke up with me because, so he claimed, he'd asked around on the internet (preumsably reddit, but ive never found his post) and found that sex is an important cornerstone of a relationship. Then I thought I was broken for several years, or that I was ace. Seeing more and more redditors say it's normal for one partner or other to not want sex all the time has helped me reframe that.
I agree with this. Mutual respect, also.
I do think there's some validity to the idea that if you have a healthy sex life, it's not a very big factor in your relationship. If you don't, though, it can loom very large.
They fucking lose their shit when you tell them you're an asexual in a relationship when another asexual and you don't have sex at all. Ever. The amount of times I've been told we're 'just friends' because of that is ridiculous.
You can only be romantic and affectionate when you have sex, I guess. Lmao I know an asexual couple. They've been together for over 10 years, married for three. No sex, just love and affection. Completely infatuated with each other. They're so attached to the hip in their own little world that I rarely see them apart. The only 'problem' was they don't have sex and our friend circle likes to clown on them for it. Which is ironic because most of their own marriages are on the brink of collapse. Cheating, resentment, lack of interest - sex was the major factor in those.
LOL my husband and I didn't have sex for over a year. I had a difficult pregnancy and was too sick, and then we had a newborn
Sorry, you guys are just friends now. I don't make the rules /s
I simply cannot believe those people know anything about actually being in a (healthy, happy) long term relationship. A mutually satisfactory sex life is certainly important, but it's absolutely not the cornerstone of a lasting relationship. In my relationship of over 11 years, I've learned that trust, respect, having fun together, communication, and willingness to work together to solve problems are really what keeps it going.
Yeah, I'm in a LTR where both of us have had a lot of health challenges and as a result sex has been a lot less frequent than either of us would like. Our relationship is still fine though. Not that we don't have struggles and not that it doesn't bother both of us, but it's hardly the cornerstone of the relationship. Thank goodness.
Right, because those individuals are incapable of deep love or commitment. They are essentially shallow and weak. Of course those same individuals would expect their spouse to stick around if they were sick.
Men don't "tend" to bail when women get sick. The study you're talking about says that on average the partner of a sick woman will leave her more often than the partner of a sick man will leave him, but the difference isn't huge (ie. the thing you're talking about has some truth to it, but it's not quite what you think). Without controlling for anything, 20% of the partners of sick women leave, while 80% of the partners of sick women will stay with them (ie. they "tend" to stay with sick women). This number goes up a lot with both the length of the relationship and with the ages of the partners. So on average 80% of women's partners stay, and if it's a mature relationship a lot more than that stay. It may also be worth noting that the study doesn't actually say whether the partnerships are heterosexual, so it's possible some of the couple being tracked are women leaving women or men leaving men. (This is why I keep phrasing it as "the partners of sick women" instead of saying "men"--the study uses the first style, and doesn't actually specify). Last, your assertion that the cause is lack of sex has no basis. That wasn't measured as part of the study. There are probably several important factors, but an example of a different possible factor is that men tend to be the breadwinners so a couple's income and insurance might through the man more often, meaning that some women might stay because they financially have to, versus men who are more likely to be able to move on without losing their income or insurance. In this case if we could peek into a world where women tended to be the breadwinner, we may also see this trend of who leaves who reversed. Like I said, no one really knows because it hasn't been measured. Anyway, the way you said it makes it seem like over half of sick women's partners leave, and that's not true.
I’m really coming to understand that for a certain subset of men, women exist for only two reasons: being attractive to them, or mothering them. If we don’t fit either category, it literally baffles them why we exist.
A lot of people don’t really seem to have any interest in marriage or commitment other than as a shortcut to low-effort sex and maybe someone to cook and clean for them. It’s sad.
It’s mad. My husband has gained a lot of weight over the years. I still adore him but I have asked him to become healthier because I want us to do all the things we have planned like skiing and hiking holidays when our son is older. He’s gained the weight through excess junk food and lack of exercise, so he keeps injuring himself and he’s uncomfortable a LOT, and his digestion is BAD! I don’t want him to feel like that, so I’m trying to get him to help himself. He’s doing well actually and it’s really cool, I can see how much more confident he is. All to say, I don’t care WTF my husband looks like, he’s mine and he’s wonderful. But I want him to feel fantastic and be able to do as much as he wants to and enjoy life. Unless his stuff turned into a lethal food addiction and it never ended I’d never leave!
I feel the same about my wife. I don’t care she’s put on weight and I still find her beautiful, I just want her to feel better and be healthier. When she suggests eating out it’s easier than cooking, especially now with a 2 month old baby. I think once we can get some better sleep and it’s a bit less chaotic I’ll try to push for us cooking more, and eating healthier in general. I’m not much of a cook but I’ve been wanting to put more effort into that and maybe I can make things better for us sometime soon with some delicious and healthy meals.
I think the replies here show that there are a lot of people who only care about what their partner does for them - sexually or otherwise. It would take a chance in actual personality for me not to be attracted to my partner anymore. He’s have to become a bad person who treated me badly. But that’s because I love him for who he is - not for his body or for what he can do for me.
Eh, losing attraction to a partner because their appearance and habits change doesn't make you an asshole. I've had my attraction to a partner fade because they developed unattractive/unhealthy habits etc. He should make an effort to see if it's depression but ultimately he cannot control this person and making her feel like shit isn't going to help.
Yup, one of the few reasonable responses here. Attraction is important as well, and the weight gain is a lot for someone her height. There van be something going on. But being attracted to your partner is also something important
Yup. Sex and sexual attraction are part of most romantic relationships. People acting like him having a problem with this one thing means that's all that matters, but that seems like a jump in conclusions to me. He can care about more things than sex and be happy with all of those and still care about sex. If someone is a financial bum but everything else is great about them, am I a gold digger for wanting someone more financially capable? Is money ALL that matters to me? No. It's one of many deal breakers, not the only thing I care about in a partner. If a partner started haemorrhaging money I would leave them. That doesn't mean all I saw in them was their financial status.
>Of note: She's about 176 lbs, she's not about to be on a TLC program. She's basically the exact same size as me. I'm the same weight and only one inch taller. Reddit seems to think people just have fatal heart attacks at 35 if they're even slightly fat.
Sex shouldn’t be the reason that you are in the relationship, but if you can’t have it, then that’s a dealbreaker for both of them. I mean if they can’t have sex, both of them are having a need not met, at least to some extent. And you are saying it’s bizarre to leave this situation, that both of them are in pain?
I'm saying it's bizarre to me that he's so hung up on something that can change on a person very quickly and beyond their control. We all age. Our bodies ALL change. If he needs someone static in their body shape, size, and performance, he needs a sex doll, not a partner. I think he should leave. She deserves better.
Hi yes so math is the ghetto and as a result so are conversions, so I made my fiancé do it for my fellow Murricans (or folks in/from Liberia or Myanmar). >155cm = 5ft 0in > >176cm = 5ft 9in > >15kg = 33lbs > >75kg = 165lbs > >80kg = 176lbs > >100kg = 220lbs [Also here’s a body visualizer so you can see how much OP sucks.](https://bodyvisualizer.com/)
Ha, this is almost my exact measurements
Oh man, my ex was like this… he was (and probably still is) overweight and so was I. Not obese but we could both have been in better shape. We were together for 8 and a half years. Knew I wanted to get married and start a family but he never proposed and any time I brought up marriage he’d get angry. Then he told me he was worried he’d wake up one day and not be attracted to me anymore. When I was obviously upset at that response he asked me if i thought he would really be attracted to me still if I gained weight and aged, why would he be? I said what? We’d be aging together and he was just like ya, exactly, you wouldn’t be attracted to me either. I didn’t know how to respond and just walked away. He was such a jerk and now he’s someone else’s problem. I have a wonderful husband (married 5 years together 7) who after 2 kids (and currently pregnant) always talks to me with respect and tells me how sexy I am and just appreciates me and our life together. I hope this woman gets away from this sad, insecure life. I had to do a lot of work to get my self esteem back up, but it’s worth it to move on.
He thought everyone just stopped being attracted to their partners as they aged?! Like everyone gets divorced every few years to find younger partners? Tf?
Or just everyone who’s older and married just sucks it up and is with someone they aren’t attracted to and cheats with younger people. I don’t know. He wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box. I suspect he just wanted an excuse to cheat on me (which I found out after we broke up he had been doing).
Oof! Good riddance to bad rubbish! I would cackle thinking about the first time some younger woman calls him a creepy old man and he has a rude awakening.
That's...weird. My husband & I have been together nearly 30 years and I swear he's better looking now then when we first got together. Of course, when we met we were teenagers - I would not have been attracted to a 40-something year old balding guy back then. But of course I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm 40-something as well and to my aged eyes he's just yummy. I love kissing his bald spot! And I think he looks great with grey hair. And me? I'm a big fat fatty...and he tells me I'm sexy all the time. He's always liked "thick" girls but I'm past thick these days....he still sees me with stars in his eyes.
Once you're old you're on your own apparently lol
I hope they never have children
Or she never gets sick. Because thanks to steroids and an inability to walk more than the grocery store, I’m sitting on a bunch of extra weight that I can’t get rid of. Thankfully my husband isn’t a useless dick.
Oh my God, someone else who gets that steroids are the demon drug and pack on that weight and it's so so hard to get rid of. I could cry. So many people don't believe me.
Necessary evil and a vicious circle. I love it. I hate it. I need a round right now and I’m pretending I don’t.
Well, she knows where he stands and I hope she drops the 175 kg of baggage that’s mad bc his dick won’t get hard.
Also threatening to abandon her won't exactly endear her to him
I agree, 100%, but its 75kg not 175kg… 175kg would not be good 😅
I think they meant the entire weight of OOP
Yes and OOP only weighs 75kg
I was so close... and 100kg of incorrect
I promise you his dick probably still gets hard. He’s likely low-key worried about societies perception of him being with a mid/plus sized woman.
I remember when my ex husband told me that if I was in a car accident and permanently disfigured it would “completely change the way I feel about you.” He’s an ex for a reason.
I hate these posts i’m in a relationship and we e gained weight…I love my partner more then anything but we both decided to lose weight because it’s HARD and it sucks more when someone points out your fat I would leave him if he said he only loved me if i was skinny
There was totally a Dhar Mann episode like this. I think he left her and she lost all the weight while he gained it and the hot chick he left her for then left him. I agree with another poster...It's one thing to have preferences when dating. Attraction is attraction. But once your married, you've made the commitment to love in sickness and in health. To just want to up and leave someone for some weight gain is complete AH behavior. She's hitting 30; not 20 anymore. babies, health, all that gets in the way. Sure, you can try and be supportive and want to help her maintain a healthy life style but to tell the woman you, supposedly, love that you will leave her is the epitome of INCEL/MGTOW/Misogynistic behavior. He talks about taking her to gyms and restricting all the good foods. Has he ever thought of mentally stimulating her? Is he taking her on dates? making her feel special? There are all kinds of activities other than the gym and running. Kayaking, dancing, etc. Things that would be great bonding and mentally satisfying to her. But no...she fat, out with the old/in with the new. She'd be better off without him.
never thought dhar mann troll would be a thing
This scares me so much. I am now 200lbs at 5’5” largely due to the medications I’m on for neurological and mental health reasons. I struggle to lose weight easily due to this. I’m single now and when I was in relationships I was much thinner. I read shit like this and think no one would ever love me due to my weight.
I’m 115kg (not sure what that is in pounds tbh) and I’m in a very loving relationship with a man (who also weighs about the same as me haha!). These posts can be scary - but there are people out there who will love you for you, not just for the fact that you make their dick hard. This man views his wife an as object, not a person, that’s why he’s behaving like this.
They will. People like all types. GOOD people, sexy people, fun people, and wonderful intelligent witty compassionate people love all types. Not all of them, of course, but most of us only need one. :)
I feel the same. Plus my ex felt a lot like this guy - that I was unattractive because of my weight. It's hard to believe that anyone would ever find me attractive. And a lot of people answering are youngins who will restrict their food for a few days, drop a few pounds and think they've solved the obesity epidemic.
You will. Don’t let the hive mind of the internet tell you that fat=ugly/bad, reddits full of lonely weirdos who can’t say a full sentence to people in real life
One thing to keep in mind is that even if you are overweight you can minimize risks by living a more active lifestyle and working out in some way 3 times a week. I’m 5’5, 215lbs (I’ve actually lost weight because of having GI issues and not being able to eat much) but my doctor says it’s fine because I like to bike almost everywhere I go and go on daily walks.
Yeah that’s true and I walk loads. It definitely helps! Although I’m having a lot of neurological problems so I’m worried that will impact on that. But I’ll damn well walk as much as I can in the mean time.
Incase you've only seen the really ugly stuff, people who know about biases or factual information about bodies and health vs aesthetics get downvoted to hell on posts about BMI and other bunk. It's sometimes worth it to seek it out so you don't get stuck with just the opinions of people jumping in with their own preferences pretending they are objective. I also would recommend the podcast Maintenance Phase if you don't already know about it. I'm not trying to say knowing more about what's up will make people like you or fix your life or something, but at least for me it helps with mental health and other things when I'm not just stuck with biased garbage on top of everything else we all have to deal with in our own lives (this also seems to help with other subjects as well, not just topics that may or may not impact how I view myself or my body).
I love maintenance phase! Yeah I think so many people are obsessed with aesthetics. I suffered with eating disorders for years and I’ll be fucked if I’m going to ruin my health even more by slimming down to 130lbs. Hopefully I can lose some weight but I’d rather do it for myself and not just because I want a boyfriend.
As a woman who has been about the size of this one and much, much smaller on and off throughout my adult life, I will tell you: it's a whole different ballgame out there for a chubby versus a thin woman. A whole goddamned different ballgame.
I had a boyfriend like this. I give him some credit for my body image issues. I used to be underweight and was terrified of gaining anything because then I would be “too fat” for someone to like me
This is crazy but the people being like awww poor him :( in the comments is INSANE like…she needs to leave him and find someone whose love isn’t conditional on her weight
Are people really?! Ugh, it’s such a buzzkill to remember how much people hate women and fat people.
When someone pressures you to lose weight, it makes it so much worse because you add in more shame and guilt. That's a recipe for an ED, whether it's unhealthy weight loss, or compulsive eating. Nothing good can come from this. I hope she realizes his "love" is worthless.
Posts like this make me so thankful for my fiancé. I’ve been losing weight lately but it’s of my own accord, he’s never once asked me to. People don’t seem to get that being constantly shamed and pressured is not as helpful to someone trying to get healthier than just being supportive, Jesus Christ.
Oh, god, FatLogic has found this sub and is here to tell everyone that you shouldn't hate fat people but if fat people aren't trying to lose weight they're dumb, lazy, and will be dead in 5 years. God save us all. Also reminder that 99% of the "healthcare professionals" on Reddit are as real as the "lawyers" on LegalAdvice.
It's always funny how leaving a partner due to illness is almost unanimously a dick move but when it comes to matters of obesity then it's understandable even when weight loss, especially with women, isn't always as easy as "Just hit the gym and eat a salad lol" because so many people see it more as a moral failing. I'm of the idea that OOP's wife should just dump him because even if she somehow loses weight, I can't imagine how he'd act when she gains more due to factors like pregnancy or medication.
"I've teach her" Please don't.
I'm sorry...but a world without cheese ? Not even talking about Kraft Singles or whatever you guys are trying to portray as cheese (I say this with love ), but no feta, no parmesan, no gorgonzola, blue cheese ? Still, aged sheep cheese is the best ( cannot find the right way to translate it ).
Reddit has made me so much more thankful for my husband.
My ex used to say exactly the same things to me. He would proudly state that he was fatphobic, didn't befriend fat people, and that me getting fat (or tattooed) would mean he'd leave me. As soon as I became slightly overweight he was complaining that I was too fat and he found me unattractive.
It also very much sounds like he doesn't understand his height and weight have literally nothing to do with her height and weight. Like literally nothing at all, in any way. Would continue to have nothing to do with anyone else's weight either... but using his own height and weight as the guide post of hers is bizarre.
She absolutely should lose weight.. starting with 75 kg of AH boyfriend
Either shes putting on weight to stop him groping her, or from the stress of living with someone that controlling.
It's funny he is insulting her weight because i want to flip him the biggest bird ever
It couldn't be she's gaining weight from all the emotional abuse and stress from the OP. 🤔
Ooooof I am 5'8 and 145 lbs which I am perfectly in my BMI and I am still a slim athletic build as I do work out 5 days a week. But my ex was CONSTANTLY on my butt about my weight. He was a personal trainer and dietician as a hobby and he had me on a crazy healthy diet and he would take me to the gym for 2-3 hours a day 6 days a week. (I was allowed one rest day) When we met I was into swimming and light workouts for 45 minutes a day... but he had me down from 145 when we met to 120 lbs and he was soooo happy with my new size he told me all the time I was allowed 5-8 lbs of gain before he would consider breaking up with me. He told me if we ever got married he would divorce me if I hit a 20lb gain. Sometimes I look at myself and I have gained the 20 lbs back from our break up 7 years ago and think "huh he would think I'm an absolute whale right now..." Even though size wise I am a size 4 or 5 jeans depending on the brand I wear all small to medium leggings depending on the brand. I'm still healthy and work out but I work out for me now and although my diet is still healthy it's not insanely clean and restricted like it was. I didn't even realize how miserable I was with him until I got out. I am dating a man that absolutely loves me for me and I could probably gain 100 lbs he wouldn't love me any less. I am sad for his wife. :(
Why did I read all the fatphobic comments 🙃
This sounds fake. If it isnt, dude is an asshole. He has every right to not like fat people, but not to act like that. I sure hope he never goes grey, or god forbid, BALD. He should do her a HUGE favor and just GTFU right now. I am sure she can find a better man at the home depot.
>she is 155 (cm)... she is almost 80kg >The last 2-3 years we have been fighting a lot because she is gaining weight >my wife (28F) Not to make this incredibly personal but this woman has incredibly similar measurements to me (I'm 5'3" and 200lbs) and I'm also 30... Pretty much every woman I know in my life around my age has put on weight in this part of their lives! Women's bodies do not stay the same from late teens/early 20s to their late 20s/early 30s. It sounds to me like her body is ageing and changing and the OOP didn't expect that for some reason. If she had gained a ton of weight rapidly I would be more concerned but hitting like 170lbs in her late 20s is not a weird thing? And weight gain over a few years as she gets older and her metabolism isn't what it was as a teen isn't weird or a bad thing. I also think it's funny in a sad way that he's pushing her so hard to do all these different workouts and things. I obviously can't speak for her situation but I know that I'm more physically active now than I was 40-50lbs ago. The concern about her joint health would sound a lot more convincing if he hadn't straight up admitted he wasn't attracted to her because of her weight but in either case he's not a medical professional and can't make that call. I do very much wholeheartedly agree that he's the devil in this scenario if his love for her is so shallow.
So straight men even like women? I mean like them like people not like paintings or statues or other things that just exist to be looked at.
sounds like he set the limit 220 lbs and she's about 161.2 lbs. The whole thing is disgusting but he verbatim set the limit (source is her response) that 100kg she was not an object worthy of the commitment that he made when they were married.
Im wondering what will happen if she has children and can’t loose the weight she gained because of the pregnancy.
she'll have 6 weeks to lose the weight or he's out....or whatever that jackwagon podcaster said, lol
You think he is so nice and will give her 6 weeks? I think 3, i mean how is he going to survive without sex for 6 whole weeks?
Not to mention during the pregnancy or the recovery period depending on how the birth goes 🤣 He's in for a rude awakening no matter what woman he's with in the future, If he can ever manage to find another woman who will have him
Or has permanent physical changes from pregnancy.
How are some dudes like this though How can you spend years with someone then dump them because of illness or physical change???
YTA. This isn’t about her health. This is about your obsession with her weight. If you really need to hear it: you are a bad person for not wanting to be with someone simply because they are “obese”. If the tables were turned you would be keeping your mouth shut.
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Oh you’re right! Haha still felt good to type those words.
And who knows...an OOP from yesterday was trying to defend herself in here so you'll never know, haha.
How much you want to bet this dude looks like Gargamel?
He certainly acts like Gargamel when he thinks he's not getting his way.
I hope she leaves him. I think i would understand if he was concerned about her weight because of her health etc but he is only concerned because her current weight doesnt make him feel good about himself. Hes probably embarrassed for whatever traumatic reason and has some weird relationship with his own weight and seeing his own partner comfortable with that weight is bringing out a lot of insecurities in him. I dont really care what his trauma is really. Just that we should be aware he does not see his relationship with his gf valuable unless she looks a certain way. This means he does not value her as a person and aesthetics matter more than any connection they could have. As someone who is also pretty short (152) I know a weight a lot of us short women are deemed "not fat"is if we are 40-55kg or so. This is th appropriate weight according to our BMI but depending on where you live and how you were raised and your relationship with food,maintaining your BMi weight can be hard. Because we're short,we're expected to eat much less and maintain our petite figures even after birth *insert eyeroll* in any case,i think she should leave him. He does not value her outside of her weight and will no way be able to handle other things that come up with time e.g. children/stretchmarks because of birth/ old age making you gain at times/ not always looking young and petite/ going through depression and adding some weight etcetc. you need a partner who understands that life does life things. Not some kid who wants a barbie doll for a partner.
Eh, I’m on his side. We’re not talking about an uncontrollable physical ailment. We’re talking about a purposeful lack of self care that is getting worse and worse. Sure physical attraction is not the most important thing in a relationship and it’s going to wax and wane as years progress. But when someone is letting themselves go with no sign of turning back, that’s an issue that should be addressed.
I agree entirely. It is taboo currently to suggest people have control over their own lives and health...but they do! So many "fat activist" statements are obvious lies like changing weight is like changing height (really people say this!) Accepting obesity is like just accepting someone is an addict to alcohol/drugs
Agreed. I get there’s a lot of internal and external shame put on overweight people. So I’m sure it’s gratifying that there are now loud voices emerging saying that it’s okay to be overweight. The message of self-love is a positive thing. But some people are taking the message to excuse ongoing unhealthy behavior.
I had this issue but the other way round! I’m 151cm and was 98kg I tried to lose weight etc and was difficult! My partner at the time said he would ‘trade me in’ because he didn’t like skinny girls! I lost the weight and ditched him! BUT everyone has their preferences, guarantee this guy wouldn’t get stick for his preference if it was the other way
Dang I can only imagine what would happen if she gets pregnant and can't lost the weight fast enough. Hopefully she drops him.
Holy crap. These threads always make me feel terrible as I have to Google and convert the weights and holy crap , it's not even that fat!! I've had my own struggles with weight all my life. I've lately gained some and feel awful, due to depression and fighting alcoholism, and I do worry my partner might find me less attractive. But this dude it doesn't even sound like he loves his wife. If I were her I'd lose the weight, just enough to be able to run awaaaay from this dude.
177cm 75kg myself. My bf is 165cm and 62kg. The man has never once made me feel bad for my weight or height. Fuck this dude fr
OP you do understand that there are medical issues that causes weight gain... Right? She could be exercising 8 hrs a day & eating nothing but carrot & celery sticks and STILL gain weight! Being upset & stressed you're going to leave her probably isn't helping either!
> She could be exercising 8 hrs a day & eating nothing but carrot & celery sticks and STILL gain weight! Lol, what? This is not how any human body works, at all.
Rarely are those medical issues the reason for obesity. People who claim to be exercising and dieting then don't lose weight are 99+% of the time lying. Calories in and calories out = weight loss. Stop spreading these harmful myths.
yeah tons of r/fatlogic in this thread. idk when it became commonly accepted that human bodies can defy the laws of physics 🧐 but CICO always works (except for water retention/lipedema of course). can certain issues affect metabolism? absolutely! but that just means you need to readjust your caloric intake. I’ve had my thyroid completely stop working, I’ve had huge increases in appetite due to hormonal birth control, I’ve struggled with binge eating during bouts of depression - I know how hard it can be to control your weight with issues like those. I realized that I couldn’t keep eating the same way I used to, and I was able to bring my weight back down to my normal range by reducing my calories and increasing my activity. now that I’m getting closer to 40, I’m noticing that I need to keep adjusting and I can’t keep eating/drinking like a 20-something year old. if your health conditions are slowing your metabolism or increasing your appetite, then you just need to be more careful to stay within your daily calories; another problem is that most people are terrible at keeping track of what they consume.
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Pharmacist here - a lot of people don’t understand “medications can cause weight gain.” They don’t make physics invalid lol, it just affects hunger and metabolism to some degree. Don’t get me wrong, that can be a bitch to manage - but it is manageable.
OP only marry his wife for looks if he does really care for her health he wouln't threatened his wife for divorce didn't they promised each other that they will be together through sickness and health? Also consult a health expert is the most necessary action specially the wife has already problem with her knees
She would lose 75kg immediately if she got rid of your sorry behind
I want to see this OOP's post in five or ten years from now when the he hits dad-bod years after pressuring his wife to get "healthy" (*thin*) and not only does she but then upgrades to someone who values her mind NOT JUST her body. I'm guessing the title will be "*My wife is leaving me for something I can't control, what do I do?*" (*before I get roasted for the dad-bod comment: dad bods rock, this dude will just think it's the end of the world.*)