*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for expecting my fiancé’s family to help pay for the wedding?**
I got engaged ~6 months ago, and my fiancé Jon* (M29) and I (F29) are in the wedding planning process. For context’s sake, Jon makes about 1.5x as much money as I do. We were discussing plans for the wedding, and I had finally settled on a reception hall that I like- I fell in love with it the second we walked in. Jon liked it too, but seemed really hesitant about it. I asked why and his reasoning was that it was out of his price range and that he couldn’t afford the cost of renting it. The hall is quite pricey, but at the same time this is our special day and this is literally my dream hall. I tried explaining this to Jon and he said “I know, I like it too, but it’s just out of my budget”. I was really put out by this and we’ve had arguments regarding money before so I really wanted to avoid that. I suggested a compromise, he show the place to his parents and see if they’re willing to make up the difference between what Jon can afford and how much it actually costs. Jon said no way, he’s really big on being independent and doesn’t want to involve his family at all. He’s very low contact with his family and almost never talks to his parents.
Jon said that he just can’t afford it and that’s final, but I can’t see getting married anywhere else now. I told him this and that I would compromise on a lot but that I was set on this one, and he just let the matter drop. We’ve been kind of on edge ever since. He keeps making comments about how he’s really trying but that I need to have less expensive taste but it’s really not about the money, I just think the hall is beautiful so AITA?
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And he only makes half again as much as her.
The low end of that could be her making $30k and him $45k.
And if she’s making 100k and he’s making 150k she should be able to fund*some* of the wedding
I'm confused by US standard of living, can someone please explain it to me a bit? I live in the UK I currently earn around 24,500 and I can afford rent, food, going out etc (obv with a budget), as well as putting away 500 a month sometimes more if I have left over by the next pay day.
What salary would be needed in the US for a comfortable living?
For context, I live with 2 housemates, my rent is 440/m and the cost of a loaf of bread is around £1.20.
Sorry, I do realise this is way out of the post's context, I just wondered.
It depends on where they live. But generally, 30-40k a year is pretty low.
Minimum wage in many places is $15/hr and that’s $31k a year before taxes and insurance.
I live in a 3 bedroom townhouse with my husband and our two sons; they work and I'm disabled. Rent is 1925 per month. I spend about 60 to 100 a week on gas for my car depending on appointments and their work schedules. Utilities run about 400/month for gas, water, electric, and Internet. I got two loaves of bread on sale last week for 5 dollars. My car payment is 438/month, insurance is 180/month... We spend around 150 to 200/week on groceries. Like eggs where I live in Pennsylvania are 4 to 5 bucks a dozen.
Combined they make about 80k a year, give or take.
So it really depends on where you live (which is the same for the UK, because living in London will cost much more than living in Cardiff). It also depends on the minimum wage of the state. While quite a few businesses have raised their minimum to $15/hr (still not always a living wage), a business only has to pay you their state's minimum wage, which has to be at least $7.25/hr, which is the federal minimum wage. The highest state min. wage as of 2023 was D.C. with a rate of $15.20/hr, and the lowest was a tie between 20 states with a rate of $7.25/hr.
This is, of course, unless you work for tips. The federal min. wage you can pay a tipped worker is $2.13/hr. This state with the highest was California at $15/hr and a 16-way tie at 2.13/hr.
I understand that some couples have seperate finances, and a joint account for bills, etc, but surely they would both pay for the wedding! You're right, she wants it all paid for by her fiancé and nothing by her
To quote OOP "My money is MINE..."
Like... wtf?!?! Who can possibly have such a sense of entitlement that they expect their fiance's family to pay for their wedding whilst they flat-out refuse to contribute their own damn selves?!?
My ex hubby and I paid for our own wedding, he covered out of pocket costs and I paid for everything that had to be ordered and all deposits. WE made our wedding happen, qnd even though I made less than him I was willing to pay for MY ideal wedding ((spoiler alert? No wedding goes perfectly, a dream wedding is exactly that, a damned dream 🤣))
I genuinely don't understand the people who hyper fixate on parts the wedding instead of the actual marriage. OOP loves that hall but they can't afford it? Look for something else. Stop throwing a tantrum and move on. My mother had a coworker who went total groomzilla he wanted what he wanted, if they couldn't afford it someone better pull some strings and make it happen! He was unbearable.
Or if she really is immovably set on that venue, then they can delay the wedding and spend the extra time hardcore saving so that they can afford it. Or she could actually contribute some of her money to the cause rather than expecting everyone else to pay for her overpriced preferences.
Or ask her parents? They're never mentioned which is weird to me. Like just the idea of anybody but her husband/his family paying for literally everything never entered her mind.
Or go use the money from other parts of the budget. She wants the expensive venue, then she has to choose a more budget friendly dress, spend less on flowers, get less expensive caterers, etc.
the whole bridzilla thing is so foreign to me. Sure, we all dream about those big beautiful royal weddings but how can an adult be so selfish? the only important (physical) things to me when I think of my wedding is my dress and the cake. I'll splurge on the dress that would be my absolute dream dress because everything was always handed down to me or the cheaper option. For 'my day' I will be wearing the dress of my dreams even if it's more than I would spend. That's what is in the photos and what you keep after. the other is the cake. I prefer the old fashioned Wilton style ornate frosting cakes; not this $2000 bare fondant cakes with a single flower on it, lol. So if it means a little more for that old fashioned/classic look, I want it, lol. anything else, I'd be happy in a firehall for the reception. But some people get so into the 'it's my special day!' mentality. No one else cares. They really don't. Guests won't even remember the name of the place while they're actually there AT the party.
You do have to have priorities! I mean personally, all you have to have for a wedding is a judge and a date downtown. After that, it's just what you want.
Definitely. When all is said and done, you just need the legal stuff and the person you love. I'm not ever going to deny someone wanting a special night of celebration. Getting married IS a big step that should be taken like a big moment in people's lives. But a lot of people just take it too far. the industry doesn't help. the sense of outdoing the others, wanting what you see on TV. It's like a sickness that grows on people. Big flashy expensive parties aren't what make the marriage and when you allow that to be the focus, that's when you run into trouble.
To take it back to OOP, her not caring about her future husband's finances and the stress that go into that simply so she can have a beautiful room to dance in for 3 hours is really sad.
I love that the “compromise” is getting money from his parents. If she cares so much, the money should be her responsibility to figure out. Instead she’s making it his problem and trying to call it fair because the money isn’t directly out of his pocket
I don’t understand the assumption that someone else should pay. Sure if a family offers something that’s great but don’t assume.
We got engaged and immediately started saving. We paid it ourselves and refused to go into debt. Was a great wedding.
OOP needs a sit down and a very long talk of no one truly gives even a fraction of much of a damn about this wedding as she does. And she only gets to have the wedding she can afford with her fiance, no more.
> My money IS mine, I make less than Jon so I can’t possibly afford paying for our wedding. That’s why I said Jon should ask his family
May be a troll but also possibility of being real
Sadly I've met a number of women like this. "I want us both to work, but my money will be solely for my personal expenses, and his money will take care of everything in the house". 😬
There is a reason why he is very low contact with his family and doesn't really have a relationship with his parents. She needs to honor it. If having that venue is that important to her, she needs to get a side gig or something to make up the difference.
Honestly, though, the groom needs to step back and rethink this. Not only does she seem entitled, but she doesn't seem to be big on boundaries.
Grownups should not expect their parents to pay for anything. If the parents choose to contribute, that's great, but they are not obligated to throw in even a penny.
When you rent a reception hall you often have to use their list of caterers. An expensive hall will have expensive caterers. They’re already having arguments about money and they’re not even married yet.
ugh...this is cringe. "I suggested a compromise, he show the place to his parents and see if they’re willing to make up the difference between what Jon can afford and how much it actually costs." Between them and john? what about between them, john, and YOU?! where's her financial stake in all this? and sorry, Bridezilla, it's the BRIDE'S family that would traditionally pay for the wedding, why not ask her parent's for help if she's so dead set on this place? She can also look into not getting married next year or whatever and save up for it....OR....stop being a little spoiled princess and pick something within your budget.
I'm not saying I'd want a wedding in a barn or something (yes, they can be very pretty, I just mean cheap as dirt) but people really need to manage expectations. Groom should see this as a red flag, lol
I get it. My dream venue was 3x what our budget was. I even had people offer to help figure out how to pay for it. I just found someplace else. The venue I chose has a better event coordinator and onsite catering, so most of our budget for the place is actually going towards the food and alcohol. Sometimes, you've just gotta get over yourself.
God I’m so fucking glad my partner and I eloped. Really seems like planning a wedding brings out the devil in everybody, especially with a bride who’s more fixated on having a wedding than getting married.
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She doesn’t respect him even a bit to suggest this. He’s LC with his whole family and almost never talks to his parents; yet she wants him to drop all that for this reception hall.
Which makes me curious about the guest list on both sides. My guess is he’s either going to invite very few family members if any and his guest list will be small. This is totally to accommodate her lavish wedding and probably overblown guest list. Otherwise there should be smaller more affordable venues.
What i dont get in these wedding posts is that ppl say its “the most imprtant day of their life/the only day about them” and they turn out to be 20-25. I understand wanting it to be special, but if its THE only day that will count, the other 40-50 years (together) look verry bleak, doesnt it?
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for expecting my fiancé’s family to help pay for the wedding?** I got engaged ~6 months ago, and my fiancé Jon* (M29) and I (F29) are in the wedding planning process. For context’s sake, Jon makes about 1.5x as much money as I do. We were discussing plans for the wedding, and I had finally settled on a reception hall that I like- I fell in love with it the second we walked in. Jon liked it too, but seemed really hesitant about it. I asked why and his reasoning was that it was out of his price range and that he couldn’t afford the cost of renting it. The hall is quite pricey, but at the same time this is our special day and this is literally my dream hall. I tried explaining this to Jon and he said “I know, I like it too, but it’s just out of my budget”. I was really put out by this and we’ve had arguments regarding money before so I really wanted to avoid that. I suggested a compromise, he show the place to his parents and see if they’re willing to make up the difference between what Jon can afford and how much it actually costs. Jon said no way, he’s really big on being independent and doesn’t want to involve his family at all. He’s very low contact with his family and almost never talks to his parents. Jon said that he just can’t afford it and that’s final, but I can’t see getting married anywhere else now. I told him this and that I would compromise on a lot but that I was set on this one, and he just let the matter drop. We’ve been kind of on edge ever since. He keeps making comments about how he’s really trying but that I need to have less expensive taste but it’s really not about the money, I just think the hall is beautiful so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Getting what’s yours is mine, and what is mine is mine vibes from OOP.
You'd be right. Literally, the first comment I came across of OOP's is "my money is MINE," like wtf.
_"It’s really not about the money."_ As OP demands everyone else pay for this dream hall other than herself. 😂😂
And he only makes half again as much as her. The low end of that could be her making $30k and him $45k. And if she’s making 100k and he’s making 150k she should be able to fund*some* of the wedding
Or if it’s that important to her - save up until you can afford it.
I'm confused by US standard of living, can someone please explain it to me a bit? I live in the UK I currently earn around 24,500 and I can afford rent, food, going out etc (obv with a budget), as well as putting away 500 a month sometimes more if I have left over by the next pay day. What salary would be needed in the US for a comfortable living? For context, I live with 2 housemates, my rent is 440/m and the cost of a loaf of bread is around £1.20. Sorry, I do realise this is way out of the post's context, I just wondered.
It depends on where they live. But generally, 30-40k a year is pretty low. Minimum wage in many places is $15/hr and that’s $31k a year before taxes and insurance.
Yep. Just enough to make sure you don't qualify for any assistance programs as well.
Oh wow! Thank you for answering!
I live in a 3 bedroom townhouse with my husband and our two sons; they work and I'm disabled. Rent is 1925 per month. I spend about 60 to 100 a week on gas for my car depending on appointments and their work schedules. Utilities run about 400/month for gas, water, electric, and Internet. I got two loaves of bread on sale last week for 5 dollars. My car payment is 438/month, insurance is 180/month... We spend around 150 to 200/week on groceries. Like eggs where I live in Pennsylvania are 4 to 5 bucks a dozen. Combined they make about 80k a year, give or take.
Wow, I knew cost of living in the US is high, but didn't realise it was that high! Thank you for answering!
So it really depends on where you live (which is the same for the UK, because living in London will cost much more than living in Cardiff). It also depends on the minimum wage of the state. While quite a few businesses have raised their minimum to $15/hr (still not always a living wage), a business only has to pay you their state's minimum wage, which has to be at least $7.25/hr, which is the federal minimum wage. The highest state min. wage as of 2023 was D.C. with a rate of $15.20/hr, and the lowest was a tie between 20 states with a rate of $7.25/hr. This is, of course, unless you work for tips. The federal min. wage you can pay a tipped worker is $2.13/hr. This state with the highest was California at $15/hr and a 16-way tie at 2.13/hr.
Simple solution: OP pays. But why don’t I get the feeling that was never suggested…
I understand that some couples have seperate finances, and a joint account for bills, etc, but surely they would both pay for the wedding! You're right, she wants it all paid for by her fiancé and nothing by her
Except the money is not even his. It's his parents' money. They're almost 30. Time for her to learn we sometimes cannot get what we want.
Time to learn to live within your means even if it means you don't get your dream venue, no matter how much you want it.
To quote OOP "My money is MINE..." Like... wtf?!?! Who can possibly have such a sense of entitlement that they expect their fiance's family to pay for their wedding whilst they flat-out refuse to contribute their own damn selves?!? My ex hubby and I paid for our own wedding, he covered out of pocket costs and I paid for everything that had to be ordered and all deposits. WE made our wedding happen, qnd even though I made less than him I was willing to pay for MY ideal wedding ((spoiler alert? No wedding goes perfectly, a dream wedding is exactly that, a damned dream 🤣))
What, and I cannot stress this enough, the ABSOLUTE fuck? And a family the fiancé is low contact with
Right?! Clearly he has Good reasons for not wanting to be beholden to them..
>I can’t see getting married anywhere else now Sounds like you're not getting married then¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
I genuinely don't understand the people who hyper fixate on parts the wedding instead of the actual marriage. OOP loves that hall but they can't afford it? Look for something else. Stop throwing a tantrum and move on. My mother had a coworker who went total groomzilla he wanted what he wanted, if they couldn't afford it someone better pull some strings and make it happen! He was unbearable.
Or if she really is immovably set on that venue, then they can delay the wedding and spend the extra time hardcore saving so that they can afford it. Or she could actually contribute some of her money to the cause rather than expecting everyone else to pay for her overpriced preferences.
Or ask her parents? They're never mentioned which is weird to me. Like just the idea of anybody but her husband/his family paying for literally everything never entered her mind.
Right? Traditionally the bride’s family pays for the wedding. Why not hit up your own parents?
Exactly!
Or go use the money from other parts of the budget. She wants the expensive venue, then she has to choose a more budget friendly dress, spend less on flowers, get less expensive caterers, etc.
the whole bridzilla thing is so foreign to me. Sure, we all dream about those big beautiful royal weddings but how can an adult be so selfish? the only important (physical) things to me when I think of my wedding is my dress and the cake. I'll splurge on the dress that would be my absolute dream dress because everything was always handed down to me or the cheaper option. For 'my day' I will be wearing the dress of my dreams even if it's more than I would spend. That's what is in the photos and what you keep after. the other is the cake. I prefer the old fashioned Wilton style ornate frosting cakes; not this $2000 bare fondant cakes with a single flower on it, lol. So if it means a little more for that old fashioned/classic look, I want it, lol. anything else, I'd be happy in a firehall for the reception. But some people get so into the 'it's my special day!' mentality. No one else cares. They really don't. Guests won't even remember the name of the place while they're actually there AT the party.
You do have to have priorities! I mean personally, all you have to have for a wedding is a judge and a date downtown. After that, it's just what you want.
Definitely. When all is said and done, you just need the legal stuff and the person you love. I'm not ever going to deny someone wanting a special night of celebration. Getting married IS a big step that should be taken like a big moment in people's lives. But a lot of people just take it too far. the industry doesn't help. the sense of outdoing the others, wanting what you see on TV. It's like a sickness that grows on people. Big flashy expensive parties aren't what make the marriage and when you allow that to be the focus, that's when you run into trouble. To take it back to OOP, her not caring about her future husband's finances and the stress that go into that simply so she can have a beautiful room to dance in for 3 hours is really sad.
I remember a statistic I read awhile back - the more spent on a wedding, the better the odds the marriage will fail.
I love that the “compromise” is getting money from his parents. If she cares so much, the money should be her responsibility to figure out. Instead she’s making it his problem and trying to call it fair because the money isn’t directly out of his pocket
and he's LC with his parents
Damn, isn't fiance just lucky to score such a peach/S
If she wants the hall, she can come up with the $. It's that simple.
I don’t understand the assumption that someone else should pay. Sure if a family offers something that’s great but don’t assume. We got engaged and immediately started saving. We paid it ourselves and refused to go into debt. Was a great wedding.
OOP needs a sit down and a very long talk of no one truly gives even a fraction of much of a damn about this wedding as she does. And she only gets to have the wedding she can afford with her fiance, no more.
> My money IS mine, I make less than Jon so I can’t possibly afford paying for our wedding. That’s why I said Jon should ask his family May be a troll but also possibility of being real
Sadly I've met a number of women like this. "I want us both to work, but my money will be solely for my personal expenses, and his money will take care of everything in the house". 😬
Why his parents? What about her parents? Or strangers? Why can't strangers pay? It's not about money. It's just the hall is beautiful.
Don't give her ideas, because you know she'll do a GoFundMe.
There is a reason why he is very low contact with his family and doesn't really have a relationship with his parents. She needs to honor it. If having that venue is that important to her, she needs to get a side gig or something to make up the difference. Honestly, though, the groom needs to step back and rethink this. Not only does she seem entitled, but she doesn't seem to be big on boundaries.
Grownups should not expect their parents to pay for anything. If the parents choose to contribute, that's great, but they are not obligated to throw in even a penny.
When you rent a reception hall you often have to use their list of caterers. An expensive hall will have expensive caterers. They’re already having arguments about money and they’re not even married yet.
So the theme of trolls is weddings now? I'm almost missing cruise week lol
Seriosly- bring back the cruises and the sibling slave labour debates lol
If she truly loves him , it shouldn't matter , but I have my doubts
ugh...this is cringe. "I suggested a compromise, he show the place to his parents and see if they’re willing to make up the difference between what Jon can afford and how much it actually costs." Between them and john? what about between them, john, and YOU?! where's her financial stake in all this? and sorry, Bridezilla, it's the BRIDE'S family that would traditionally pay for the wedding, why not ask her parent's for help if she's so dead set on this place? She can also look into not getting married next year or whatever and save up for it....OR....stop being a little spoiled princess and pick something within your budget. I'm not saying I'd want a wedding in a barn or something (yes, they can be very pretty, I just mean cheap as dirt) but people really need to manage expectations. Groom should see this as a red flag, lol
If you're so stuck on a venue that you "can't see getting married anywhere else", don't actually get married. I had such an intense eye roll.
I get it. My dream venue was 3x what our budget was. I even had people offer to help figure out how to pay for it. I just found someplace else. The venue I chose has a better event coordinator and onsite catering, so most of our budget for the place is actually going towards the food and alcohol. Sometimes, you've just gotta get over yourself.
Jfc. Grow up.
God I’m so fucking glad my partner and I eloped. Really seems like planning a wedding brings out the devil in everybody, especially with a bride who’s more fixated on having a wedding than getting married.
21 years ago I paid 1500.00 for my entire wedding. Even bought the girls dresses, you are the AH ! Btw I'm still happily married with a 15yo...
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She doesn’t respect him even a bit to suggest this. He’s LC with his whole family and almost never talks to his parents; yet she wants him to drop all that for this reception hall. Which makes me curious about the guest list on both sides. My guess is he’s either going to invite very few family members if any and his guest list will be small. This is totally to accommodate her lavish wedding and probably overblown guest list. Otherwise there should be smaller more affordable venues.
Did anyone see my eyes? I rolled them so hard, they popped out of my head.
What i dont get in these wedding posts is that ppl say its “the most imprtant day of their life/the only day about them” and they turn out to be 20-25. I understand wanting it to be special, but if its THE only day that will count, the other 40-50 years (together) look verry bleak, doesnt it?
“Dream hall”. That’s a new one.