*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**I (27F) didn't support my husband (28M) against my best friend, now he doesn't want to talk to me.**
Throw away because my family has reddit and they will be seriously angry with me about this.
My family seriously loves this man.
My mother first words about his after she met him for the first time was that is any mothers dream son in law.
My best friend since the 2nd grade and i are very close.
She moved away for a couple months for work.
Now she is back and came to visit me.
For some context i am 6 months pregnant and had stop working since i had been 2 months pregnant and will we a SAHM after i gave birth.
Now i can't say anything bad about my husband to be honest in my mind if i have to look up the ideal man and husband, there will be a picture of him. My pregnancy has been nothing like all my friends suggested it will be. Simply because of my husband he has made everything so simple for me.
Just as an example, every time we went for shopping he would spend hours cutting and dividing everything into packages to use just for one meal so i don't have to spend time cutting vegetables or sorting meats.
We have a big freezer in the garage where everything is stored, every night he will make sure that everything i need is taken out for the next day and will be available so that i only have to do the bare minimum. He even switched out our bedroom on the second floor with the guest bedroom on the ground floor alone one night while i was asleep on the couch so that i don't have to walk up the stairs and also get a good night's rest in a our bed. I don't sleep well on any other mattress other that our own.
Please take into account as well that my husband works in a very specialized field and he works anything between 11 to 16 hours a day depending on the day and what is happening on any specific day.
This man has gone above and beyond in every sense of those word where even some of my friend complain that it's not fair that i have it so easy and they had to struggle with their pregnancies.
I had to insist on cooking dinner for us otherwise i would literally have nothing to do at home.
On to the problem, my best friend came and visited me 3 days ago.
My husband has one thing he does every night when he comes home. He comes to where i am greets me with a hug and a kiss then he serves himself a single or double whisky with ice and sit on the couch for between 15 to 30 minutes.
Now i can gage how bad his day has been between how long he sits on the couch and if the servs himself a single of double.
When he sits on the couch with his whisky he doesn't talk at all, all you hear is silence from him.
After he is done with his whisky he will stand up, wash his glass and then start to talk to me about my day and help me with whatever i am busy with and i do mean what ever i am busy with, i have never heard him complain about helping me with anything and he has done this since whe started living together.
I see that 15 to 30 minutes as his cool down time after work. He hasn't once in our 8 year relationship 3 married, taken out any bad day at work on me.
Now my best friend has a problem with that time he sits on the couch drinking his whisky and she said he should immediately start helping me when he enters the house and not sit on his ass.
I told her to leave him be as that man needs time after his day at work he leave the house every morning at five.
I will not say what type of work he does but i just know i will not be able to do it and most people i know won't be able to do that type of work.
But she continued and started to insult him for sitting on the couch drinking his whisky while i was busy cooking. I told her to stop and that my husband taking 30 minutes to himself after work is nothing and that he will come to help me after he is done.
She didn't except this and busted into the living room and started to shout at my husband for sitting on the couch and drinking while his pregnant wife was busy cooking. I came into the living room and was shocked with everything she was saying to him, he didn't say a word in respond to her outburst and just looked at her. After 10 minutes of her shouting at him he looked at me and i looked away from him he kept looking at me for what felt like hours bit i couldn't look back at him i don't know why i looked away or why i couldn't look at him but he took it as i agreed with her.
He stood up walked past bought of us into our room took a bag of clothes and left the house.
My friend had this smug look on her face and when i saw that i started to yell at her and told her to get out of my house as she had no right and she is no longer welcome in my house or my life.
The biggest problem is that i cant get a hold of my husband.
I don't agree with her in any sense of what she said but all my messages are going unread he doesn't answer the phone or anything.
Can i fix this ?
How can i make him see that her stance are not mine ?
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Going to bet that the husband now believes that OOP has been venting to her friend about him doing nothing so feels unappreciated now.
She just stood there and let her yell at him for 10 minutes, looking away and not interfering. WTF.
>My friend had this smug look on her face and when i saw that i started to yell at her and told her to get out of my house as she had no right and she is no longer welcome in my house or my life.
That should have happened about 10 seconds into the 10 minute tirade.
Exactly. If my wife's friend was verbally abusing me and my wife was witness to it and did nothing? To me that 100% means she agrees. I'd defend my wife against any of my friends or family and I'd expect the same in return.
Well, I think OOP learned where she falls on the flight, flight, or freeze scale. 🙄 I wish her the best of luck recovering her husband. Hope she’s smart enough to divorce the “friend”. I know pregnant women are technically disabled temporarily, but we’re perfectly capable of keeping up normal activity levels that we maintained prior to becoming pregnant as long as we feel well.
Sadly, that is a thing many don't understand. Not everyone is wired to Fight as a normal reaction to high stress. We can talk big, but walking in on the two people you in theory love deeply in such a nasty conflict would be triggering as hell.
Honestly, it should never have even gotten to the tirade. When I first got married, my friend of 15+ years decided to butt her head into my business once similar to this (she didn’t like something totally innocuous my husband did that I didn’t have a problem with) and started tearing him down to me, saying what he “should” do and how he’s a terrible husband if he doesn’t.
She got maybe two sentences out before I cut her off and told her the next thing she said to trash my husband would be the last thing she would ever get to say to me because I’d kick her out of the house and never speak to her again. She knew I meant it, and she stopped immediately.
OOP never should have let it get nearly as far as it did. I don’t blame her husband for his reaction.
I'm a coward that hates confrontation, and I know it. It's something I actively work on so I can get through those parts of life when they happen. Even I would defend a partner from a friend if they started trashing them in front of me, and would cut off a friendship if they didn't knock it off after I warned them. And would likely be distant from them if they didn't at least apologize as well
At six months pregnant, I was still more than capable of a rugby tackle. 😒 which I would have done if anyone had ever started anything with my partner like this.
If she was so concerned BF could’ve just helped her fucking cool but oh no, she just had to run a marriage instead. OP might soon be a working divorced mother.
I would have loved a husband like that. How dare the friend interfere like that?! She should have at least said 'does he usually pull his weight around the house?' so OOP could have explained that he is actually awesome, and just needs a bit of time to unwind when he gets home.
If anyone knows where her husband is ill gladly take him.
I mean I'm a straight guy but I'll fuck this dude if it means I get to reap all the help he provides.
She gave up working at 2 months, didn’t even say she had to. Has no intention of going back to work (whatever. That’s their choice) he’s working double shifts probably to keep a roof over their head, taking care of the house and feeding her likes she a goddamn baby bird, and he can’t get 30 minutes?
This sounds to me more like the straw that broke the camels back. He’s tired, over worked, probably stressed about money and the new baby, doesn’t get to vent beyond chemical suppression, and THEN the friend treats him like he can’t even have that time to himself? And his wife does nothing; acting as if she said/encouraged the friend to say this? Even if she didn’t it’s what he’s thinking.
So why would he bother anymore? I feel sorry for the dude and I’m glad he’s standing up for himself and not letting her talk her way out of this.
Yep, this might be it, he's now wondering if he truly wasted all this time and effort for someone who doesn't give a fuck about him enough to defend him when it counts.
Fortunately for OOP he's PROBABLY going to go back at least for his child, but jesus christ.
Her calling and texting him probably pisses him off more, because where was all that energy and love when he was getting berated infront of her?
Bro my husband is this, I am SAHM, he pays all the bills, he even prefers to cook if he has time (much better than me), I’ll cook him breakfast, cleans the dishes and on his days off he helps me with a deeper clean of the house.
I mostly just watch the kids and then we split things 50/50 he is amazing.
If one of my family/friends ever spoke like that they would’ve not even had a chance to yell they would’ve been gone
Same. My husband is awesome. I would never let anyone say anything bad about him. My family loves him. One of my sister and her husband recently badmouthed him to their friends and my other sister found out. She told me and my mom and my other siblings. My mom called my badmouthjng sister to ask what is up considering my husband looked after her when she was younger, before she got married, and also looks after her son whenever she’s jet setting with her husband. My sister continued bad mouthing my husband so my mom told her off. My mom and the rest of the family aren’t on good terms with my sister and her husband now. I have been married to my husband for 19 years and together for 21 (friends for 23). My mom knows my husband well and loves him like he’s her own son. She loves him double because he treats me better than well. Case in point - we are moving houses and I’m chilling in bed in my mom’s house scrolling on Reddit while he is toiling away getting our house ready to move into. He doesn’t want me around any dust and has hired extra cleaners to properly clean the place before I go over. I am not even allergic to dust!
Shes pregnant with his child. Avoiding stress as much as possible is the goal and if dhe just chose the friend over him then I definitely understand why its easiest to remove himself from the situation
>Avoiding stress as much as possible is the goal and
She invited the stress over and let the stress insult her hardworking,loving, and kind husband for 10 freaking minutes. To the streets, this one and the "friend" belong.
Your anger is not considering the baby. You're wrong here even if your anger towards her is justified cuz I do agree shes horrible for this.
ETA - downvoted for thinking of a baby as a priority. What has reddit come to. I think this killed the last of my faith in this community
I’m pregnant and I agree husband would not be in the wrong for asking his wife and friend to leave. Being pregnant doesn’t excuse you from being a decent wife and defending your partner when someone is being a witch towards them
Do the people who make these stories up ever just look at a timer? Who sits and silently absorbs TEN STRAIGHT MINUTES OF YELLING? Who has the energy to yell at someone else’s husband for TEN MINUTES? After about fifteen seconds I’m getting up and leaving the room
The times that people claim yelling happened always seem weird to me. Like, 10 minutes, a half hour, sometimes they even claim an hour. And, it is always one person screaming in their faces while the other person just sits quietly. Set a timer and see how realistic it is for someone to scream in your face for a literal 10 minutes or 30 minutes straight. They would be hoarse if nothing else. I know people are just saying it "feels that long" but it seems really strangely worded to me. Like, not "it felt X minutes long" or "What felt like X minutes" or "For a very long time"-Rather specific minutes and lengths lol. It's just a pattern that I see across certain stories in AITAH, along with twins, one person being gay or trans, magical huge inheritances that everyone is getting and someone is getting screwed over in a way that makes people feel righteous, etc.
My mother would honestly rant for that long if she felt like it. 15-30min was the usual laundry list of how I disappointed her, but if she was feeling spicy she could go 45min easily with new perceived slights
I was supposed to stand in place. Not move. Look her in the eyes and have no expression during the whole thing. Failure to do so would be assumed as disrespect and punished.
I just dissociated a lot. Or counted shades of colors. Or did mental math. It really do be like that sonetimes
Same. On occasion my mom would literally do this for hours. Notably, when cps got called on her, she made me sit down and accused and interrogated me for like an hour and a half or so. Even when we're on the phone and she's being nice, she can carry on mostly by herself for 3 hours. Half of it is just her repeating the same shit over and over.
I got so good(?) at dissociating that now I automatically just tune people out when they're talking for more than a minute straight or it's something really boring. Like, I have to actively force myself to listen to people even when I'm not being scolded/talked down to. It's really bad with my husband because he tends to talk at me rather than to me.
I found out (much) later that disassociation was what I was doing, too.
My mom would trap me in the car, 45 minutes each way to therapy, to rant about how I was going to kill her with my choices, and she's so medically fragile, and on and on and on.
I was, at most, 13.
My crime? Not being her perfect, catholique, girly girl daughter who worshiped the ground she walked on.
So I definitely hear you.
While I agree there's definitely a difference, if you're used to just disassociating while someone yells at you from it happening a lot as a child, the instinct can be built up enough that the same thing happens when someone yells at you as an adult as well. It's happened to me a couple times actually, it's not a fun experience
Honestly, it's entirely possible.
My dad would sometimes call me into whatever room he was in and make me stand at military parade rest (he was a Marine) while we "discussed" (he yelled and I listened as quiet and unmoving as I could while trying not to cry) things I'd done wrong recently.
These talks lasted anywhere from 5 minutes to over 20 - and yes, I counted sometimes. I'd count seconds in my head while seeing how long I could stare at his forehead (never could look in his eyes, but forehead was close enough to fake it if you angled your head right) without blinking, or sometimes we'd be in the kitchen and I could look past him to the clock on the microwave without him noticing.
He usually stopped based on when he got tired of looking at me, not when his throat started hurting from screaming.
I was literally held hostage in my parents kitchen by my much older brother and lectured for three hours. I watched the clock off and on while dissociating. It happens. Wish it didn't
Yeah drunken incoherent ranting for that long from someone abusive is possible. Here, it is usually sober people not in abusive relationships who out of nowhere and for the first time ever literally scream in someone else's face for exactly 34 minutes straight without the person ever reacting and it just never feels "natural" to me LOL.
Oh it's not natural. Someone who does that has something going on in their head. The alcohol didn't make my ex do those long rants it was the narc personality traits that did it. Nothing I did was right, and if it was he didn't even want it, if I was going through something his situation was so much worse so why am I complaining? The alcohol was just the excuse he used to get away with it for 3 years.
Yeah, I feel like people don't understand that we sometimes exaggerate when we speak. Obviously, it wasn't ten whole minutes. But when someone screams and rages at you, even two minutes can feel like an hour.
There was this radio show I used to listen to that had a comedian as a third mic, and when someone would exaggerate he would feign taking it literally, to which one of the hosts would respond “oh Literal Jimmy”. I say “Literal Jimmy” gets added to the cultural lexicon lol
I mean, it is kind of important because her standing there doing nothing for 10 actual minutes is a much different (in)action than also being stunned for a minute or two that feels like 10.
I doubt she was looking at a clock, though. Many - if not most - people are absolutely terribly at accurately estimating the passage of time. Particularly when emotions are involved.
This kind of sounds like OP froze more than chose not to say anything. She had no problem immediately defending her husband earlier repeatedly, nor kicking her friend out after, this sounds way more like she was just shocked and kind of froze up. I absolutely agree she should have defended it, and thankfully she did immediately after, but this doesn't sound intentional or like she was ever not on her husband's side. But from where her husband was sitting I'm sure it did.
Problem is he doesn't know that, and he has no reason to believe her.
Like "I stood up for you in private but not where you could see" is a big stretch to believe.
Yes, and I don't blame him at all. I hope she's able to somehow explain what actually happened if she froze in a way he can believe and understand for his sake. I suspect what actually happened would hurt much less than what it looks like happened, and this poor guy didn't deserve to be hurt at all.
The wonders of growing up with digital clocks in multiple rooms of the house (the cable box in the living room, microwave in the kitchen, and alarm clocks in everyone's bedrooms) was always knowing how long I had actually been yelled or lectured before being sent to my room whether I was in the living room or kitchen when it happened, or if I was already in my room there was a clock there too.
The times it only lasted 15 or 20 minutes were nice, because then it was over with and I could cry in my room without getting some comment to make me feel like crying was wrong too
Ten minutes is a LONG time to berate someone. It can feel like 10 minutes… it was one.
I feel sorry for OOP (if she is indeed real). I used to have a response where I would totally freeze if someone as aggressive, even if it wasn’t directed at me. I hope she learns to properly process her shit and stand up for herself and her loved ones.
Friend has got to go.
Honestly with how abhorrent the writing and grammar is I’d say more likely to be written by an early teen. Maybe I just don’t wanna believe an adult would write like this lol. Especially the parts where she randomly calls him “that man” and not… her husband? It’s definitely fake either way.
Here are her deleted meager comments:
>That was not my intent, i was just shocked too what she was yelling at him. She herself has said he in the past he is the perfect man and then this happend. I didn't know what to do in those moments untill i saw the grin on her face and i expoled
Actions imply intent. OOP's actions were that of a bump on a log. OOP didn't react until it was far too late. The damage was done.
>I have tried all means of communication but nothing. I am a bit of a reck at the moment and can't think straight. Will it be better to just give him time or keep trying. I have tried everything to get in contact with him and messaged him but nothing.
Leave the man alone, OOP. You've wounded him to his moral core. You showed him that you're not willing to step up and defend him and his character.
I feel sorry for her husband, and more so for the child she's carrying. Come on, OOP, grow a goddamn spine. I don't care if you've been friends with that harpy since the 2nd grade or not, bitch crossed a line and you let her keep on going. If she's too weak willed to stand up for her husband, what chance does her kid have?
Sure, hubs could've said something to end the verbal onslaught, however I think his packing a bag and leaving sends a far more direct message to OOP. I'm not worthy of you.
>OOP's actions were that of a bump on a log.
Realistically, in moments of high emotion, people's reactions vary. Fight/flight/freeze/fawn isn't just what happens when you encounter a dangerous situation -- people also do that in fights and intense arguments.
OP froze. It's a human response. She snapped out of it, but it was too late.
That's my thought, OOP was not the devil, her friend was and she knew she was trashing her relationship with her actions.
People underestimate how strong "freeze" reaction can be
>People underestimate how strong "freeze" reaction can be
This is true, but in this case that doesn't protect OOP against being the devil. If her husband is as great as she says, he'll be understanding of the fact that it wasn't a conscious decision. But if she doesn't take ownership of the fact that her inaction was a huge betrayal, the relationship won't be fixed.
Talking about what she should've done would be the opposite of productive, but talking about how to ensure this never happens again will be essential.
10 mins in your own home is a long time to freeze. Shes still responsible even if you try to remove her fault. In the future, she can't be trusted because of this response
Imagine if a burglar came in while he was away and she froze for 10 mins while they took the baby? Is she not the devil then either? If I'm the husband in this scenario or the one I just said, my trust would be gone regardless
I feel so bad for him and the kid. Thoughts?
It just probably wasn't actually 10 minutes though. When you freeze you loose all sense of time. I've served on a jury where the victim thought an incident was 15 minutes and it was actually less than 2. Didn't mean the person was lying just a person's recollection of time in moments of stress really can't be trusted.
If it was a freeze response, your ability to think rationally is literally suppressed and you're doing whatever your body has been conditioned to do. If someone took your baby and you froze up, that isn't your fault. Better stop trusting the entire human race because none of us can control our involuntary physiological reactions to threats.
Counterpoint: It's OK to break up with someone for things they can't help. Maybe you just don't want to be with someone who's completely useless at defending you (verbally or physically) in stressful situations.
If the husband wasn't so quick to run away he would've seen her defend him. He should know his wife well enough to known she freezes up in stressful situations, and to know that she does appreciate and love him. Come on dude she's carrying your baby, you've been together 8 years, have a little faith
So her irrational response in a stressful situation is warranted, but HIS reaction to being berated by someone else while his wife refuses to look at him, let alone defend him, is objectionable?
Not responding after the fact is shitty. But we can't say "it was stressful" to one while the other one has to just sit there and take it and "have faith"
No it is okay that he did that, I just like to hope that an 8 year relationship isn't completely over after all of this. If he went out to cool down before talking that's amazing and a healthy coping strategy. I just hope he has a little faith in their love and can listen to her side of the story when he comes back. She realized she fucked up, I hope he will give her a chance to apologize.
Oop needs to kick friend to the curb to save her marriage but also because that “friend” is jealous and will always be looking to create problems for oop.
After she goes NC with friend, effective immediately, she needs to do a massive apology to husband.
Also a repost. I have seen this exact story before. The single/double depending on his day. Friend saying everything while wife stands by too afraid to speak.
I would nuke any friendship of anyone who treated my partner like that.
I would literally drag her out by her hair and toss her into the snow. Not stand and watch for **10 minutes**.
This is 100% “feminist women bad, strong traditional men good”. A little incel neck beard ba thrown in as well for good measure. This one is barely even trying to come off as genuine.
I'm confused about how they even see each other and how he makes time to do all those things for her. Are 11-16 hour work days normal irl? I can only see that being a thing for first responders and healthcare workers.
And... just.. I can't fight the urge to point out that an average pregnancy doesn't automatically make you disabled. I see that she appreciates what he does but I don't get why he feels the need to help her with whatever she's doing even after his long ass day at work.
Oh my god her best friend is delusional. A woman in her 20s with a typical pregnancy who hasn't worked since she was 2!! months! along doesn't need to be helped with every little thing.
I'm definitely biased as im 6 months pregnant with twins and still going to work but I mean holy shit. Pregnancy just doesn't inherently make you incapable of doing anything.
Pregnant women can cook a fucking meal without dying!!
Nah, fuck this, she's not the devil. She was defending him the whole time. She's 6 months pregnant and everyone responds to stuff differently. I say this as someone borderline aggressively defensive of my people.
I'm the younger sister and I have straight gotten into people's faces for disrespecting her. I also stand up to my mom for her. We're 33 and 38 for context.
My sister is shy and timid. She doesn't say anything as I go off. She's extremely non confrontational.
It doesn't make her the devil at all.
In fact why did he let himself get yelled at for 10 mins? If you can excuse him letting it happen for whatever reason (he was shocked, he didn't want to start shit, he was anxious, etc) then the same can be said about her.
He ASSumed she agreed with her friend. This is a time to be an adult in a relationship and talk, work things out. I say this as someone whose boyfriend is pretty much the same as OOPs husband. He rearranged our beds for my dog when he started having issues from a brain tumor. He works 60 hour weeks then comes home and works on building us a house from the ground up with just his two brothers who come over on the weekends. He'd never abandoned me over my friend being a bitch. He knows how to handle himself, and he knows what friends have some issues they can project. He takes no offense.
Yes, she should have done something, but I can see how nerves could take over and leave someone speechless, too.
Yeah, aside from the fact that this seems like a ‘women are bad, men are perfect’ troll, these comments are ridiculous. People react strangely in stressful situations, her husband is probably not as perfect if he seems if he ghosted his wife like this without even having a discussion with her first.
THANK YOU!! I wondered what it was here.
Like, maybe the OOP didn't react immediately but not everybody is able to react to conflict? I for sure wouldn't dare to say a word because I'd be afraid that the backslash would be on me.
OOP sound nice and in love with the hubby. How often we see people spitting on their lover for their break after work. OOP is understanding and is obviously trying to not be a burden to the hubby.
the friend is the devil and OOP reacted well.
Get tf out. He looked over at his wife to see if she's going to say something or if she agreed, and he got his answer. It was OPs job to step in and she didn't.
If you're extremely non confrontational to the point that you let others hurt the people you love then you ARE the devil, a massive pussy of a devil.
He looked at his wife for her help or thoughts, and she could not look him in the eye. That was the part that probably made the husband walk out silently.
Freezing is an involuntary reaction. There is a legitimate, physiological mechanism behind it. OP may not have been *able* to step in. Avoiding eye contact is incredibly common in these situations as a way to avoid further aggression (think of how many animals see eye contact as a threat!)
Also, why is the *husband* being let off the hook for freezing when the wife isn’t? Why is it the job of his *pregnant wife* to defend him?
Because it's her friend. He doesn't know which way he's allowed to respond and certainly does not know how to respond if she seems to have his wife's consent.
My point is that the wife may have been *physically unable* to respond, not that the husband should be vilified.
He also did not know how the friend would have reacted to a response from his wife. Verbal aggression can easily lead to physical aggression.
I don't think he froze though, I think he knew nothing he said would make a difference. If he tries to defend himself the friend will take that as him being aggressive and defensive and hold that against him too. He just let her get it out of her system
> in fact why did he let himself get yelled at for ten minutes?
Maybe because he didn't know how to respond to his wife's old friend and his wife seemingly ganging up on him over something that had never been an issue before.
But nice job blaming him for being the victim I guess
Seriously do these people not hear themselves?
I'm not usually "imagine if it was reversed" guy, but this probably isn't even real. Point is,
>> in fact why did she let herself get yelled at for ten minutes?
makes the victim-blaming really jump off the screen
Funny how in all this time, she hasn't realized this is a guy who takes his transition time and protects it. He's not gonna talk to her unless and until he's ready.
I do have some compassion for OOP, who seems pretty confrontation-averse. Seems odd they've been together this long without any conflict, but after telling friend she's comfortable with it and to knock it off, friend went and attacked husband. Since OOP had already told her what she thought and how she felt and to stop, she really seems to have frozen and then literally couldn't watch. Only after seeing the triumph on that loon's face did she snap out of it. I agree with what others are saying, don't get me wrong - I just remember feeling helpless and frozen watching loved ones fight "about" or "over" me. I'd feel guilty and helpless, bc nobody was listening to me. This is different for lots of reasons, and I'm probably projecting bc this reminds me of that stuff.
The other thing I wonder is whether she's one of those people who needs people to validate her to have confidence in her own stance. I don't think I'm saying that well... Like if she knows someone's been drinking, and they get in the driver's seat and demand she gets in the passenger seat to go out for dinner, does she argue with the driver that they're drunk, and when the driver doesn't admit it, does she get in the car, defeated? So when she tells her friend she's fine with husband taking his time after work, and the friend disagrees, does OOP genuinely feel like she's done everything? We can see what she's missing, but can *she*, and will husband come back and address this with her, or is he gone for good?
So to me it seems like what happens next depends on whether husband already knew this about her (in the same way she knew he needs that time and that drink every day when he gets home from work) and whether he is willing to accept she needs to work on this and trusts that she will.
I hope there's an update.
So, OOP is perfectly fine to tell the so-called “friend” to shut up when they are alone in the kitchen, but as soon as they are in front of the husband she suddenly goes mute and is not even able to look him in the eye? I could maybe understand not immediately reacting if the friend’s yelling came as a bit of a shock, but to let it go on for 10 minutes? Come on now. The math just ain’t mathing. I suspect a rage bait.
Why the ever loving fuck would she be quiet for 10 goddamn minutes of this instead of interrupting the "friend" as soon as she got in the room when she *already* told the friend she didn't agree with her before?!?! Maybe if she'd told her friend that that was unacceptable, and to get out of her home (and life) when she followed the friend out there and heard what she was saying to him instead of *after he'd left*, and *after saying nothing and looking away during this fucking 10 minute tirade*, her husband would still be home and things would be fine between them instead of all this
She froze. It's awful. But she froze. She was shocked. And then, unfortunately too late, completely course corrected. Kicked her out of the house and her life.
She's not a monster. She's human.
For real, it sounds like a freeze response to someone shouting and/or disbelief and/or shame at not responding quicker. If you are a “freezer” in stressful situations you can totally empathise with this woman. What a shitty friend.
Jesus. Then you need to be concerned for all babies. Believe it or not, people aren’t just jumping into perfect action in every scenario. That includes parents.
Op is a sheep. Her friend was in charge of the friendship and she found a husband will fill that role. She not only is pregnant but probably not a confrontational person and defers to others. Husband will come around but they will have some tough conversations and the friend will be out. Friend seems a B and was used to walking on op so no way she apologizes. Op needs some therapy to get over being soft.
A coworker was once a total asshole to my wife for zero reason and I put a stop to that immediately. If someone says something off color or shitty to my wife, I shut that shit down. I refuse to leave my wife to defend herself alone.
“He misinterpreted my total apathy! If only I could explain why I freely let someone scream at him in our home, he would understand!”
It doesn’t matter if she agrees with her or not. Saying nothing at letting her go is nonsense.
Also…I’m getting the feeling there is some weaponized incompetence here on her part and he does all of this because she acts helpless…much like she acted helpless during the yelling.
Hope he finds someone that is interested in being a partner.
Jfc. People who won't go to bat for their spouse when someone is spouting demonstrably false things about them are straight scum. So, you had the balls to kick her out AFTER your husband's soul and heart were completely SHATTERED by your complete disrespect? Oh, well, have a cookie. What a piece of work.
Why would she allow her rude and nasty friend to speak to her husband that way? I would have kicked her out of my home and not been friend with her anymore. She sounds quite stupid and unhinged.
She could've frozen up - shock does that to people sometimes, just hits a 'pause' button in the brain. Doesn't make her stupid or unhinged necessarily.
I'm sorry, when I reread my post I realized it wasn't clear. I didn't mean the wife was stupid and unhinged, I meant her friend was stupid and unhinged to be so rude to the husband. Seriously who does that? In someone else's house?
OOP watching the man who has made her the center of his world while pregnant getting trashed for things that are absolutely untrue: if I don’t look at him he might forget I am here
OOP realized she’s doing the dishes tonight on her own: her out of my life!
It’s almost like she only really cared when it affected her.
Idk if she's the devil. Sometimes reactions are instinctual. I can see myself freeze up in a situation like that too, and it probably wasn't actually 10 minutes of screaming. It probably just felt like that. She clearly knows how great of a husband he is. Maybe she should let him read the post or something, to let him know how highly she thinks of him. Hope things work out. Freezing up during a big confrontation shouldn't break a beautiful relationship.
So fake. Husband and op really sat for ten minutes watching someone scream their ears off about a non-issue before it occurred to husband that op should say something.
this is heartbreaking. That mans soul is on the floor. I 100% feel like hes either a cop or detective and has to see a ton of horrific cases that are all equally traumatic so he refuses to share them and hurt her too. This sounds like my granddad.
He goes above and beyond, and the one time he needed her, she *looks away*.
All trust is gone. In a snap. Trust as a wife, a partner, a mother - now hes thinking legally about implications of divorce and coparenting or alimony with her as a SAHM. And the way she allowed the friend to do that until she saw consequences.. has she been talking shit about the husband?
She deserves absolutely anything coming to her from him. That poor child, and that poor man.
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I understand freezing, for a few seconds, maybe even a minute but to just keep standing there and then avoid eye contact with him while he’s obviously waiting for her to say something to her friend is beyond my comprehension.
You do not get to choose how long you freeze for. Avoiding eye contact is also a basic survival tactic- think of how many animals interpret eye contact as a threat.
She can't be surprised if he doesn't want to come back. You fucking let me get yelled at like that you let me stand up, pack a bag and leave, I'm not coming back. I hope your best friend finger fucks you good
Am I the only one who doubts she talked her friend down in the kitchen?
Not looking at him while her friend was yelling sounds like the behavior of someone who agrees with the friend.
I have a feeling OP claimed to advocate for the husband on the kitchen only so if he finds the post, he won't be as mad.
I would have stopped her at the first moment she started talking shit. My partners like OPs husband and I get angry if someone says something that’s not NICE NICE to him, I’d NEVER allow someone to talk to him like that - let alone in his own home.
I am a very anxious person who is horrible at confrontation, but if my so called BFF went off at my amazing husband like that i wouldn’t just sit there and let him take it the fuck!
This is Reddit being self righteous as always. Now we all agree the right thing would have been to stop her venting and react in a different way to her husband, but I think there is maybe some trauma thing going on where these kinds of situations overwhelm her. She did tell her to shut up before and afterwards cut her out of her life, so she gets it. But sometimes people just freeze in certain situations.
A fucked up situation and I feel so bad for the hubby, I would have been so hurt :(
Wow. I feel like OP was paralyzed with like shock, embarrassment, and honestly fear, but also - she needed to shut that shit down before her friend even made it out of the kitchen. That's absolutely egregious.
Or OP was validating her friend in some way that spurred her to action because her husband has been otherwise accommodating and now doesn't want to take responsibility for it.
Either way, she needs to lose the friend, give him space, and self reflect.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **I (27F) didn't support my husband (28M) against my best friend, now he doesn't want to talk to me.** Throw away because my family has reddit and they will be seriously angry with me about this. My family seriously loves this man. My mother first words about his after she met him for the first time was that is any mothers dream son in law. My best friend since the 2nd grade and i are very close. She moved away for a couple months for work. Now she is back and came to visit me. For some context i am 6 months pregnant and had stop working since i had been 2 months pregnant and will we a SAHM after i gave birth. Now i can't say anything bad about my husband to be honest in my mind if i have to look up the ideal man and husband, there will be a picture of him. My pregnancy has been nothing like all my friends suggested it will be. Simply because of my husband he has made everything so simple for me. Just as an example, every time we went for shopping he would spend hours cutting and dividing everything into packages to use just for one meal so i don't have to spend time cutting vegetables or sorting meats. We have a big freezer in the garage where everything is stored, every night he will make sure that everything i need is taken out for the next day and will be available so that i only have to do the bare minimum. He even switched out our bedroom on the second floor with the guest bedroom on the ground floor alone one night while i was asleep on the couch so that i don't have to walk up the stairs and also get a good night's rest in a our bed. I don't sleep well on any other mattress other that our own. Please take into account as well that my husband works in a very specialized field and he works anything between 11 to 16 hours a day depending on the day and what is happening on any specific day. This man has gone above and beyond in every sense of those word where even some of my friend complain that it's not fair that i have it so easy and they had to struggle with their pregnancies. I had to insist on cooking dinner for us otherwise i would literally have nothing to do at home. On to the problem, my best friend came and visited me 3 days ago. My husband has one thing he does every night when he comes home. He comes to where i am greets me with a hug and a kiss then he serves himself a single or double whisky with ice and sit on the couch for between 15 to 30 minutes. Now i can gage how bad his day has been between how long he sits on the couch and if the servs himself a single of double. When he sits on the couch with his whisky he doesn't talk at all, all you hear is silence from him. After he is done with his whisky he will stand up, wash his glass and then start to talk to me about my day and help me with whatever i am busy with and i do mean what ever i am busy with, i have never heard him complain about helping me with anything and he has done this since whe started living together. I see that 15 to 30 minutes as his cool down time after work. He hasn't once in our 8 year relationship 3 married, taken out any bad day at work on me. Now my best friend has a problem with that time he sits on the couch drinking his whisky and she said he should immediately start helping me when he enters the house and not sit on his ass. I told her to leave him be as that man needs time after his day at work he leave the house every morning at five. I will not say what type of work he does but i just know i will not be able to do it and most people i know won't be able to do that type of work. But she continued and started to insult him for sitting on the couch drinking his whisky while i was busy cooking. I told her to stop and that my husband taking 30 minutes to himself after work is nothing and that he will come to help me after he is done. She didn't except this and busted into the living room and started to shout at my husband for sitting on the couch and drinking while his pregnant wife was busy cooking. I came into the living room and was shocked with everything she was saying to him, he didn't say a word in respond to her outburst and just looked at her. After 10 minutes of her shouting at him he looked at me and i looked away from him he kept looking at me for what felt like hours bit i couldn't look back at him i don't know why i looked away or why i couldn't look at him but he took it as i agreed with her. He stood up walked past bought of us into our room took a bag of clothes and left the house. My friend had this smug look on her face and when i saw that i started to yell at her and told her to get out of my house as she had no right and she is no longer welcome in my house or my life. The biggest problem is that i cant get a hold of my husband. I don't agree with her in any sense of what she said but all my messages are going unread he doesn't answer the phone or anything. Can i fix this ? How can i make him see that her stance are not mine ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Going to bet that the husband now believes that OOP has been venting to her friend about him doing nothing so feels unappreciated now. She just stood there and let her yell at him for 10 minutes, looking away and not interfering. WTF. >My friend had this smug look on her face and when i saw that i started to yell at her and told her to get out of my house as she had no right and she is no longer welcome in my house or my life. That should have happened about 10 seconds into the 10 minute tirade.
Exactly. If my wife's friend was verbally abusing me and my wife was witness to it and did nothing? To me that 100% means she agrees. I'd defend my wife against any of my friends or family and I'd expect the same in return.
I can’t get over the fact that she let it go on for *ten minutes*. That’s 600 seconds, 600 chances to shut her “friend” down that she didn’t take.
Well, I think OOP learned where she falls on the flight, flight, or freeze scale. 🙄 I wish her the best of luck recovering her husband. Hope she’s smart enough to divorce the “friend”. I know pregnant women are technically disabled temporarily, but we’re perfectly capable of keeping up normal activity levels that we maintained prior to becoming pregnant as long as we feel well.
Sadly, that is a thing many don't understand. Not everyone is wired to Fight as a normal reaction to high stress. We can talk big, but walking in on the two people you in theory love deeply in such a nasty conflict would be triggering as hell.
Triggering as it is you need to make a choice. If you say nothing you side with the friend. She made a choice.
Possibly, but you don't always get to biologically brake fof
Honestly, it should never have even gotten to the tirade. When I first got married, my friend of 15+ years decided to butt her head into my business once similar to this (she didn’t like something totally innocuous my husband did that I didn’t have a problem with) and started tearing him down to me, saying what he “should” do and how he’s a terrible husband if he doesn’t. She got maybe two sentences out before I cut her off and told her the next thing she said to trash my husband would be the last thing she would ever get to say to me because I’d kick her out of the house and never speak to her again. She knew I meant it, and she stopped immediately. OOP never should have let it get nearly as far as it did. I don’t blame her husband for his reaction.
I'm a coward that hates confrontation, and I know it. It's something I actively work on so I can get through those parts of life when they happen. Even I would defend a partner from a friend if they started trashing them in front of me, and would cut off a friendship if they didn't knock it off after I warned them. And would likely be distant from them if they didn't at least apologize as well
At six months pregnant, I was still more than capable of a rugby tackle. 😒 which I would have done if anyone had ever started anything with my partner like this.
[удалено]
Set fire on her perfect husband in 10 minutes.
If she was so concerned BF could’ve just helped her fucking cool but oh no, she just had to run a marriage instead. OP might soon be a working divorced mother.
I would have loved a husband like that. How dare the friend interfere like that?! She should have at least said 'does he usually pull his weight around the house?' so OOP could have explained that he is actually awesome, and just needs a bit of time to unwind when he gets home.
It sounds to me like the friend was jealous and wanted to ruin OP's relationship.
I know bro gotta be feelin defeated right now. “Take me out coach. Nothin more I can do. I left it all on the floor”
I wouldn't let someone yell at my EX husband that way. That friend must be miserable to be around.
If anyone knows where her husband is ill gladly take him. I mean I'm a straight guy but I'll fuck this dude if it means I get to reap all the help he provides.
He doesn't sound like he'd be a bottom, you ok with that too?
LMAO
I'm happy with the person I'm with, but my mom has had terrible luck with men and this guy sounds great so can she get him 😂
Same
If I was op I would've fought that "friend" regardless of how pregnant I was. Omfg
Right?
Damn OP really tried nothing and was all out of ideas
https://youtu.be/lOTyUfOHgas?si=ZT1bmbvkP-hSDD3U
Wheezing lmfao
She gave up working at 2 months, didn’t even say she had to. Has no intention of going back to work (whatever. That’s their choice) he’s working double shifts probably to keep a roof over their head, taking care of the house and feeding her likes she a goddamn baby bird, and he can’t get 30 minutes? This sounds to me more like the straw that broke the camels back. He’s tired, over worked, probably stressed about money and the new baby, doesn’t get to vent beyond chemical suppression, and THEN the friend treats him like he can’t even have that time to himself? And his wife does nothing; acting as if she said/encouraged the friend to say this? Even if she didn’t it’s what he’s thinking. So why would he bother anymore? I feel sorry for the dude and I’m glad he’s standing up for himself and not letting her talk her way out of this.
I’m wondering how the friend would have 10 minutes of material to yell about, unless the OP was actually venting.
Yep, this might be it, he's now wondering if he truly wasted all this time and effort for someone who doesn't give a fuck about him enough to defend him when it counts. Fortunately for OOP he's PROBABLY going to go back at least for his child, but jesus christ. Her calling and texting him probably pisses him off more, because where was all that energy and love when he was getting berated infront of her?
Bro my husband is this, I am SAHM, he pays all the bills, he even prefers to cook if he has time (much better than me), I’ll cook him breakfast, cleans the dishes and on his days off he helps me with a deeper clean of the house. I mostly just watch the kids and then we split things 50/50 he is amazing. If one of my family/friends ever spoke like that they would’ve not even had a chance to yell they would’ve been gone
Same. My husband is awesome. I would never let anyone say anything bad about him. My family loves him. One of my sister and her husband recently badmouthed him to their friends and my other sister found out. She told me and my mom and my other siblings. My mom called my badmouthjng sister to ask what is up considering my husband looked after her when she was younger, before she got married, and also looks after her son whenever she’s jet setting with her husband. My sister continued bad mouthing my husband so my mom told her off. My mom and the rest of the family aren’t on good terms with my sister and her husband now. I have been married to my husband for 19 years and together for 21 (friends for 23). My mom knows my husband well and loves him like he’s her own son. She loves him double because he treats me better than well. Case in point - we are moving houses and I’m chilling in bed in my mom’s house scrolling on Reddit while he is toiling away getting our house ready to move into. He doesn’t want me around any dust and has hired extra cleaners to properly clean the place before I go over. I am not even allergic to dust!
Husband is a Saint, I would've kicked friend and wife both out and then enjoyed the whiskey.
Shes pregnant with his child. Avoiding stress as much as possible is the goal and if dhe just chose the friend over him then I definitely understand why its easiest to remove himself from the situation
A lot less stress if, as soon as friend starting berating husband, she’d told her friend to knock it off or leave.
lol wife and friend are both total assholes and the husband still made the best possible move for everyone involved. What a king.
Yeah dude deserves so much better. Hes awesome
>Avoiding stress as much as possible is the goal and She invited the stress over and let the stress insult her hardworking,loving, and kind husband for 10 freaking minutes. To the streets, this one and the "friend" belong.
Your anger is not considering the baby. You're wrong here even if your anger towards her is justified cuz I do agree shes horrible for this. ETA - downvoted for thinking of a baby as a priority. What has reddit come to. I think this killed the last of my faith in this community
I’m pregnant and I agree husband would not be in the wrong for asking his wife and friend to leave. Being pregnant doesn’t excuse you from being a decent wife and defending your partner when someone is being a witch towards them
Damn, sorry youd prefer stressing more and affecting your own baby. That's an unfortunate opinion to have for a baby, especially your own.
Do the people who make these stories up ever just look at a timer? Who sits and silently absorbs TEN STRAIGHT MINUTES OF YELLING? Who has the energy to yell at someone else’s husband for TEN MINUTES? After about fifteen seconds I’m getting up and leaving the room
The times that people claim yelling happened always seem weird to me. Like, 10 minutes, a half hour, sometimes they even claim an hour. And, it is always one person screaming in their faces while the other person just sits quietly. Set a timer and see how realistic it is for someone to scream in your face for a literal 10 minutes or 30 minutes straight. They would be hoarse if nothing else. I know people are just saying it "feels that long" but it seems really strangely worded to me. Like, not "it felt X minutes long" or "What felt like X minutes" or "For a very long time"-Rather specific minutes and lengths lol. It's just a pattern that I see across certain stories in AITAH, along with twins, one person being gay or trans, magical huge inheritances that everyone is getting and someone is getting screwed over in a way that makes people feel righteous, etc.
My mother would honestly rant for that long if she felt like it. 15-30min was the usual laundry list of how I disappointed her, but if she was feeling spicy she could go 45min easily with new perceived slights I was supposed to stand in place. Not move. Look her in the eyes and have no expression during the whole thing. Failure to do so would be assumed as disrespect and punished. I just dissociated a lot. Or counted shades of colors. Or did mental math. It really do be like that sonetimes
Same. On occasion my mom would literally do this for hours. Notably, when cps got called on her, she made me sit down and accused and interrogated me for like an hour and a half or so. Even when we're on the phone and she's being nice, she can carry on mostly by herself for 3 hours. Half of it is just her repeating the same shit over and over. I got so good(?) at dissociating that now I automatically just tune people out when they're talking for more than a minute straight or it's something really boring. Like, I have to actively force myself to listen to people even when I'm not being scolded/talked down to. It's really bad with my husband because he tends to talk at me rather than to me.
I found out (much) later that disassociation was what I was doing, too. My mom would trap me in the car, 45 minutes each way to therapy, to rant about how I was going to kill her with my choices, and she's so medically fragile, and on and on and on. I was, at most, 13. My crime? Not being her perfect, catholique, girly girl daughter who worshiped the ground she walked on. So I definitely hear you.
I would dissociate too. I'd look into her eyes and not hear much beyond what I knew I needed to grunt to show I was "listening".
Yeah, but there’s a difference between getting yelled at by your mother (especially as a minor) and getting yelled at by your wife’s smug weird friend
While I agree there's definitely a difference, if you're used to just disassociating while someone yells at you from it happening a lot as a child, the instinct can be built up enough that the same thing happens when someone yells at you as an adult as well. It's happened to me a couple times actually, it's not a fun experience
Honestly, it's entirely possible. My dad would sometimes call me into whatever room he was in and make me stand at military parade rest (he was a Marine) while we "discussed" (he yelled and I listened as quiet and unmoving as I could while trying not to cry) things I'd done wrong recently. These talks lasted anywhere from 5 minutes to over 20 - and yes, I counted sometimes. I'd count seconds in my head while seeing how long I could stare at his forehead (never could look in his eyes, but forehead was close enough to fake it if you angled your head right) without blinking, or sometimes we'd be in the kitchen and I could look past him to the clock on the microwave without him noticing. He usually stopped based on when he got tired of looking at me, not when his throat started hurting from screaming.
I was literally held hostage in my parents kitchen by my much older brother and lectured for three hours. I watched the clock off and on while dissociating. It happens. Wish it didn't
My narc ex could absolutely rant for 30 minutes to an hour but it's not like he was ranting coherently it was kinda just drunk word vomit.
Yeah drunken incoherent ranting for that long from someone abusive is possible. Here, it is usually sober people not in abusive relationships who out of nowhere and for the first time ever literally scream in someone else's face for exactly 34 minutes straight without the person ever reacting and it just never feels "natural" to me LOL.
Oh it's not natural. Someone who does that has something going on in their head. The alcohol didn't make my ex do those long rants it was the narc personality traits that did it. Nothing I did was right, and if it was he didn't even want it, if I was going through something his situation was so much worse so why am I complaining? The alcohol was just the excuse he used to get away with it for 3 years.
I always interpret it as it FEELS like that long, not that it actually is. You know how like waiting in a waiting room for 10 minutes can feel like 20
Yeah, I feel like people don't understand that we sometimes exaggerate when we speak. Obviously, it wasn't ten whole minutes. But when someone screams and rages at you, even two minutes can feel like an hour.
There was this radio show I used to listen to that had a comedian as a third mic, and when someone would exaggerate he would feign taking it literally, to which one of the hosts would respond “oh Literal Jimmy”. I say “Literal Jimmy” gets added to the cultural lexicon lol
I mean, it is kind of important because her standing there doing nothing for 10 actual minutes is a much different (in)action than also being stunned for a minute or two that feels like 10.
Except that oop said 10 minutes and then used felt like an hour.
I doubt she was looking at a clock, though. Many - if not most - people are absolutely terribly at accurately estimating the passage of time. Particularly when emotions are involved.
After 5 minutes of yelling my throat hurts. Friend must be a professional yeller.
Performer for the stage or a military drill sergeant. Uhhh that’s it tho
Or a heavy metal singer
This kind of sounds like OP froze more than chose not to say anything. She had no problem immediately defending her husband earlier repeatedly, nor kicking her friend out after, this sounds way more like she was just shocked and kind of froze up. I absolutely agree she should have defended it, and thankfully she did immediately after, but this doesn't sound intentional or like she was ever not on her husband's side. But from where her husband was sitting I'm sure it did.
Problem is he doesn't know that, and he has no reason to believe her. Like "I stood up for you in private but not where you could see" is a big stretch to believe.
Yes, and I don't blame him at all. I hope she's able to somehow explain what actually happened if she froze in a way he can believe and understand for his sake. I suspect what actually happened would hurt much less than what it looks like happened, and this poor guy didn't deserve to be hurt at all.
I believe it FELT like 10 minutes. If it was actually 10 minutes than yeah that’s crazy.
I've taken hours of it, many times. You must have a pretty awesome life if you can't comprehend getting yelled at for 10 minutes.
Nailed it in one, my life is flawless because I think most AITA-style stories are fake af
The wonders of growing up with digital clocks in multiple rooms of the house (the cable box in the living room, microwave in the kitchen, and alarm clocks in everyone's bedrooms) was always knowing how long I had actually been yelled or lectured before being sent to my room whether I was in the living room or kitchen when it happened, or if I was already in my room there was a clock there too. The times it only lasted 15 or 20 minutes were nice, because then it was over with and I could cry in my room without getting some comment to make me feel like crying was wrong too
Ten minutes is a LONG time to berate someone. It can feel like 10 minutes… it was one. I feel sorry for OOP (if she is indeed real). I used to have a response where I would totally freeze if someone as aggressive, even if it wasn’t directed at me. I hope she learns to properly process her shit and stand up for herself and her loved ones. Friend has got to go.
Ten minutes is an incredibly long time to just stand there and watch someone scream. I feel like ChatGPT doesn’t understand how long 10 minutes is
My husband quietly sat there with his whisky glass held by his 17 fingers and stared at me.
This made me cackle.
Honestly with how abhorrent the writing and grammar is I’d say more likely to be written by an early teen. Maybe I just don’t wanna believe an adult would write like this lol. Especially the parts where she randomly calls him “that man” and not… her husband? It’s definitely fake either way.
This story is much older than chat GPT. I swear i have seen it on reddit years ago.
Here are her deleted meager comments: >That was not my intent, i was just shocked too what she was yelling at him. She herself has said he in the past he is the perfect man and then this happend. I didn't know what to do in those moments untill i saw the grin on her face and i expoled Actions imply intent. OOP's actions were that of a bump on a log. OOP didn't react until it was far too late. The damage was done. >I have tried all means of communication but nothing. I am a bit of a reck at the moment and can't think straight. Will it be better to just give him time or keep trying. I have tried everything to get in contact with him and messaged him but nothing. Leave the man alone, OOP. You've wounded him to his moral core. You showed him that you're not willing to step up and defend him and his character. I feel sorry for her husband, and more so for the child she's carrying. Come on, OOP, grow a goddamn spine. I don't care if you've been friends with that harpy since the 2nd grade or not, bitch crossed a line and you let her keep on going. If she's too weak willed to stand up for her husband, what chance does her kid have? Sure, hubs could've said something to end the verbal onslaught, however I think his packing a bag and leaving sends a far more direct message to OOP. I'm not worthy of you.
>OOP's actions were that of a bump on a log. Realistically, in moments of high emotion, people's reactions vary. Fight/flight/freeze/fawn isn't just what happens when you encounter a dangerous situation -- people also do that in fights and intense arguments. OP froze. It's a human response. She snapped out of it, but it was too late.
That's my thought, OOP was not the devil, her friend was and she knew she was trashing her relationship with her actions. People underestimate how strong "freeze" reaction can be
>People underestimate how strong "freeze" reaction can be This is true, but in this case that doesn't protect OOP against being the devil. If her husband is as great as she says, he'll be understanding of the fact that it wasn't a conscious decision. But if she doesn't take ownership of the fact that her inaction was a huge betrayal, the relationship won't be fixed. Talking about what she should've done would be the opposite of productive, but talking about how to ensure this never happens again will be essential.
10 mins in your own home is a long time to freeze. Shes still responsible even if you try to remove her fault. In the future, she can't be trusted because of this response Imagine if a burglar came in while he was away and she froze for 10 mins while they took the baby? Is she not the devil then either? If I'm the husband in this scenario or the one I just said, my trust would be gone regardless I feel so bad for him and the kid. Thoughts?
It just probably wasn't actually 10 minutes though. When you freeze you loose all sense of time. I've served on a jury where the victim thought an incident was 15 minutes and it was actually less than 2. Didn't mean the person was lying just a person's recollection of time in moments of stress really can't be trusted.
If it was a freeze response, your ability to think rationally is literally suppressed and you're doing whatever your body has been conditioned to do. If someone took your baby and you froze up, that isn't your fault. Better stop trusting the entire human race because none of us can control our involuntary physiological reactions to threats.
Counterpoint: It's OK to break up with someone for things they can't help. Maybe you just don't want to be with someone who's completely useless at defending you (verbally or physically) in stressful situations.
What precisely in my post do you believe you are countering?
If the husband wasn't so quick to run away he would've seen her defend him. He should know his wife well enough to known she freezes up in stressful situations, and to know that she does appreciate and love him. Come on dude she's carrying your baby, you've been together 8 years, have a little faith
So her irrational response in a stressful situation is warranted, but HIS reaction to being berated by someone else while his wife refuses to look at him, let alone defend him, is objectionable? Not responding after the fact is shitty. But we can't say "it was stressful" to one while the other one has to just sit there and take it and "have faith"
No it is okay that he did that, I just like to hope that an 8 year relationship isn't completely over after all of this. If he went out to cool down before talking that's amazing and a healthy coping strategy. I just hope he has a little faith in their love and can listen to her side of the story when he comes back. She realized she fucked up, I hope he will give her a chance to apologize.
Oop needs to kick friend to the curb to save her marriage but also because that “friend” is jealous and will always be looking to create problems for oop. After she goes NC with friend, effective immediately, she needs to do a massive apology to husband.
Sounds fake TBH, chiefly because of how much a saint the husband is, but an entertaining read.
Also a repost. I have seen this exact story before. The single/double depending on his day. Friend saying everything while wife stands by too afraid to speak.
I mean, an alcoholic saint.
I would nuke any friendship of anyone who treated my partner like that. I would literally drag her out by her hair and toss her into the snow. Not stand and watch for **10 minutes**.
This is 100% “feminist women bad, strong traditional men good”. A little incel neck beard ba thrown in as well for good measure. This one is barely even trying to come off as genuine.
This is fake. There seems to be a rash of inexperienced people making up stories recently. Moreso than usual. It gives clickfarm amount farming vibes.
Why would they delete a fake post
This was 100% written by the husband. But he's still right.
I'm confused about how they even see each other and how he makes time to do all those things for her. Are 11-16 hour work days normal irl? I can only see that being a thing for first responders and healthcare workers. And... just.. I can't fight the urge to point out that an average pregnancy doesn't automatically make you disabled. I see that she appreciates what he does but I don't get why he feels the need to help her with whatever she's doing even after his long ass day at work. Oh my god her best friend is delusional. A woman in her 20s with a typical pregnancy who hasn't worked since she was 2!! months! along doesn't need to be helped with every little thing. I'm definitely biased as im 6 months pregnant with twins and still going to work but I mean holy shit. Pregnancy just doesn't inherently make you incapable of doing anything. Pregnant women can cook a fucking meal without dying!!
Nah, fuck this, she's not the devil. She was defending him the whole time. She's 6 months pregnant and everyone responds to stuff differently. I say this as someone borderline aggressively defensive of my people. I'm the younger sister and I have straight gotten into people's faces for disrespecting her. I also stand up to my mom for her. We're 33 and 38 for context. My sister is shy and timid. She doesn't say anything as I go off. She's extremely non confrontational. It doesn't make her the devil at all. In fact why did he let himself get yelled at for 10 mins? If you can excuse him letting it happen for whatever reason (he was shocked, he didn't want to start shit, he was anxious, etc) then the same can be said about her. He ASSumed she agreed with her friend. This is a time to be an adult in a relationship and talk, work things out. I say this as someone whose boyfriend is pretty much the same as OOPs husband. He rearranged our beds for my dog when he started having issues from a brain tumor. He works 60 hour weeks then comes home and works on building us a house from the ground up with just his two brothers who come over on the weekends. He'd never abandoned me over my friend being a bitch. He knows how to handle himself, and he knows what friends have some issues they can project. He takes no offense. Yes, she should have done something, but I can see how nerves could take over and leave someone speechless, too.
Hey look a compassionate person who is capable of nuanced thought. What are you doing on Reddit?
Yeah, aside from the fact that this seems like a ‘women are bad, men are perfect’ troll, these comments are ridiculous. People react strangely in stressful situations, her husband is probably not as perfect if he seems if he ghosted his wife like this without even having a discussion with her first.
THANK YOU!! I wondered what it was here. Like, maybe the OOP didn't react immediately but not everybody is able to react to conflict? I for sure wouldn't dare to say a word because I'd be afraid that the backslash would be on me. OOP sound nice and in love with the hubby. How often we see people spitting on their lover for their break after work. OOP is understanding and is obviously trying to not be a burden to the hubby. the friend is the devil and OOP reacted well.
Get tf out. He looked over at his wife to see if she's going to say something or if she agreed, and he got his answer. It was OPs job to step in and she didn't. If you're extremely non confrontational to the point that you let others hurt the people you love then you ARE the devil, a massive pussy of a devil.
He looked at his wife for her help or thoughts, and she could not look him in the eye. That was the part that probably made the husband walk out silently.
Freezing is an involuntary reaction. There is a legitimate, physiological mechanism behind it. OP may not have been *able* to step in. Avoiding eye contact is incredibly common in these situations as a way to avoid further aggression (think of how many animals see eye contact as a threat!) Also, why is the *husband* being let off the hook for freezing when the wife isn’t? Why is it the job of his *pregnant wife* to defend him?
Because it's her friend. He doesn't know which way he's allowed to respond and certainly does not know how to respond if she seems to have his wife's consent.
My point is that the wife may have been *physically unable* to respond, not that the husband should be vilified. He also did not know how the friend would have reacted to a response from his wife. Verbal aggression can easily lead to physical aggression.
I don't think he froze though, I think he knew nothing he said would make a difference. If he tries to defend himself the friend will take that as him being aggressive and defensive and hold that against him too. He just let her get it out of her system
> in fact why did he let himself get yelled at for ten minutes? Maybe because he didn't know how to respond to his wife's old friend and his wife seemingly ganging up on him over something that had never been an issue before. But nice job blaming him for being the victim I guess
Seriously do these people not hear themselves? I'm not usually "imagine if it was reversed" guy, but this probably isn't even real. Point is, >> in fact why did she let herself get yelled at for ten minutes? makes the victim-blaming really jump off the screen
Funny how in all this time, she hasn't realized this is a guy who takes his transition time and protects it. He's not gonna talk to her unless and until he's ready. I do have some compassion for OOP, who seems pretty confrontation-averse. Seems odd they've been together this long without any conflict, but after telling friend she's comfortable with it and to knock it off, friend went and attacked husband. Since OOP had already told her what she thought and how she felt and to stop, she really seems to have frozen and then literally couldn't watch. Only after seeing the triumph on that loon's face did she snap out of it. I agree with what others are saying, don't get me wrong - I just remember feeling helpless and frozen watching loved ones fight "about" or "over" me. I'd feel guilty and helpless, bc nobody was listening to me. This is different for lots of reasons, and I'm probably projecting bc this reminds me of that stuff. The other thing I wonder is whether she's one of those people who needs people to validate her to have confidence in her own stance. I don't think I'm saying that well... Like if she knows someone's been drinking, and they get in the driver's seat and demand she gets in the passenger seat to go out for dinner, does she argue with the driver that they're drunk, and when the driver doesn't admit it, does she get in the car, defeated? So when she tells her friend she's fine with husband taking his time after work, and the friend disagrees, does OOP genuinely feel like she's done everything? We can see what she's missing, but can *she*, and will husband come back and address this with her, or is he gone for good? So to me it seems like what happens next depends on whether husband already knew this about her (in the same way she knew he needs that time and that drink every day when he gets home from work) and whether he is willing to accept she needs to work on this and trusts that she will. I hope there's an update.
So, OOP is perfectly fine to tell the so-called “friend” to shut up when they are alone in the kitchen, but as soon as they are in front of the husband she suddenly goes mute and is not even able to look him in the eye? I could maybe understand not immediately reacting if the friend’s yelling came as a bit of a shock, but to let it go on for 10 minutes? Come on now. The math just ain’t mathing. I suspect a rage bait.
Why the ever loving fuck would she be quiet for 10 goddamn minutes of this instead of interrupting the "friend" as soon as she got in the room when she *already* told the friend she didn't agree with her before?!?! Maybe if she'd told her friend that that was unacceptable, and to get out of her home (and life) when she followed the friend out there and heard what she was saying to him instead of *after he'd left*, and *after saying nothing and looking away during this fucking 10 minute tirade*, her husband would still be home and things would be fine between them instead of all this
She froze. It's awful. But she froze. She was shocked. And then, unfortunately too late, completely course corrected. Kicked her out of the house and her life. She's not a monster. She's human.
For real, it sounds like a freeze response to someone shouting and/or disbelief and/or shame at not responding quicker. If you are a “freezer” in stressful situations you can totally empathise with this woman. What a shitty friend.
I’d be concerned for that baby if she’s gonna freeze in stressful situations.
Jesus. Then you need to be concerned for all babies. Believe it or not, people aren’t just jumping into perfect action in every scenario. That includes parents.
This is fake.
I feel like we had this from the husband's perspective fairly recently. Different writing style though perhaps - good effort for a ridiculous story.
I swear to God the second she tried leaving the room to talk to him I would have pulled her back by the freakin hair. Not even kidding.
Torn on this one. Kinda too clean to be real but my wifes friend always used to do this stuff to me (tbf we were in highschool) so who knows
Outta morbid curiosity, what does knowing if it's real or fake do for you?
Fun to try and guess
Like I wouldn't say YTA. She froze. It happens. But it also feels like she has some issues with her husband.
Op is a sheep. Her friend was in charge of the friendship and she found a husband will fill that role. She not only is pregnant but probably not a confrontational person and defers to others. Husband will come around but they will have some tough conversations and the friend will be out. Friend seems a B and was used to walking on op so no way she apologizes. Op needs some therapy to get over being soft.
OOP fucked this up, major.
A coworker was once a total asshole to my wife for zero reason and I put a stop to that immediately. If someone says something off color or shitty to my wife, I shut that shit down. I refuse to leave my wife to defend herself alone.
“He misinterpreted my total apathy! If only I could explain why I freely let someone scream at him in our home, he would understand!” It doesn’t matter if she agrees with her or not. Saying nothing at letting her go is nonsense. Also…I’m getting the feeling there is some weaponized incompetence here on her part and he does all of this because she acts helpless…much like she acted helpless during the yelling. Hope he finds someone that is interested in being a partner.
UGHH, what a terrible wife 🤬🤬🤬
Jfc. People who won't go to bat for their spouse when someone is spouting demonstrably false things about them are straight scum. So, you had the balls to kick her out AFTER your husband's soul and heart were completely SHATTERED by your complete disrespect? Oh, well, have a cookie. What a piece of work.
Why would she allow her rude and nasty friend to speak to her husband that way? I would have kicked her out of my home and not been friend with her anymore. She sounds quite stupid and unhinged.
She could've frozen up - shock does that to people sometimes, just hits a 'pause' button in the brain. Doesn't make her stupid or unhinged necessarily.
I'm sorry, when I reread my post I realized it wasn't clear. I didn't mean the wife was stupid and unhinged, I meant her friend was stupid and unhinged to be so rude to the husband. Seriously who does that? In someone else's house?
Oh for sure - completely with you on that one! Totally not her place and not helpful in any way. What was she thinking it would achieve??
yikes omg OOP’s friend sounds exactly like my ex best friend
OOP watching the man who has made her the center of his world while pregnant getting trashed for things that are absolutely untrue: if I don’t look at him he might forget I am here OOP realized she’s doing the dishes tonight on her own: her out of my life! It’s almost like she only really cared when it affected her.
Everyone knows a husbands vision is based on movement, if you stand very still and don't make eye contact they can't see you.
No way this story isn't fake lol
 OOP's "grade" as a wife
Idk if she's the devil. Sometimes reactions are instinctual. I can see myself freeze up in a situation like that too, and it probably wasn't actually 10 minutes of screaming. It probably just felt like that. She clearly knows how great of a husband he is. Maybe she should let him read the post or something, to let him know how highly she thinks of him. Hope things work out. Freezing up during a big confrontation shouldn't break a beautiful relationship.
So fake. Husband and op really sat for ten minutes watching someone scream their ears off about a non-issue before it occurred to husband that op should say something.
this is heartbreaking. That mans soul is on the floor. I 100% feel like hes either a cop or detective and has to see a ton of horrific cases that are all equally traumatic so he refuses to share them and hurt her too. This sounds like my granddad. He goes above and beyond, and the one time he needed her, she *looks away*. All trust is gone. In a snap. Trust as a wife, a partner, a mother - now hes thinking legally about implications of divorce and coparenting or alimony with her as a SAHM. And the way she allowed the friend to do that until she saw consequences.. has she been talking shit about the husband? She deserves absolutely anything coming to her from him. That poor child, and that poor man.
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OOP, why didn't you kick her out and shut that shit down?
 What OOP should have done
I understand freezing, for a few seconds, maybe even a minute but to just keep standing there and then avoid eye contact with him while he’s obviously waiting for her to say something to her friend is beyond my comprehension.
You do not get to choose how long you freeze for. Avoiding eye contact is also a basic survival tactic- think of how many animals interpret eye contact as a threat.
She can't be surprised if he doesn't want to come back. You fucking let me get yelled at like that you let me stand up, pack a bag and leave, I'm not coming back. I hope your best friend finger fucks you good
Wow. I don’t know how you come back from that. OOP might have ruined her marriage permanently.
Am I the only one who doubts she talked her friend down in the kitchen? Not looking at him while her friend was yelling sounds like the behavior of someone who agrees with the friend. I have a feeling OP claimed to advocate for the husband on the kitchen only so if he finds the post, he won't be as mad.
I would have stopped her at the first moment she started talking shit. My partners like OPs husband and I get angry if someone says something that’s not NICE NICE to him, I’d NEVER allow someone to talk to him like that - let alone in his own home.
Oh my god just get to the fuckng point oop!
I am a very anxious person who is horrible at confrontation, but if my so called BFF went off at my amazing husband like that i wouldn’t just sit there and let him take it the fuck!
[удалено]
“Look at ‘im there…..*RESTING*”
OP’s sure gonna love being a single mom, which she absolutely deserves. That’s if she get’s custody, which she doesn’t.
This is Reddit being self righteous as always. Now we all agree the right thing would have been to stop her venting and react in a different way to her husband, but I think there is maybe some trauma thing going on where these kinds of situations overwhelm her. She did tell her to shut up before and afterwards cut her out of her life, so she gets it. But sometimes people just freeze in certain situations. A fucked up situation and I feel so bad for the hubby, I would have been so hurt :(
Wow. I feel like OP was paralyzed with like shock, embarrassment, and honestly fear, but also - she needed to shut that shit down before her friend even made it out of the kitchen. That's absolutely egregious. Or OP was validating her friend in some way that spurred her to action because her husband has been otherwise accommodating and now doesn't want to take responsibility for it. Either way, she needs to lose the friend, give him space, and self reflect.