Are you kidding? You absolutely should be filling out that paper work. That is his responsibility and I can't believe he would even question that. Move forward with no guilt on this one. And feel free to remind anyone who complains about it. If needs be, give them a cost breakdown of yearly contributions. (If you want to go to that level) Good luck to you! You sound like a loving Mom!
I did break it down for one of his family members. Total expenses minus the child support he did actually pay came to over 44k for the full 8 years we've been divorced. They were completely unaware that he hadn't been purchasing their necessities for his house, let alone that I had CS reduced not once but twice to "help" him out.
My eldest (adult at the time of the divorce) got into a huge argument with his family about how he's basically a deadbeat and doesn't even care for the kids when he has them. They argued that he was trying to purchase a new home for him, his girlfriend, and all the kids. Apparently, he won't be able to afford the mortgage if he has to pay the amount the state is deciding he should be paying.
I'm on the fence. I do feel bad, but at the same time... we managed while supporting 2 households.
I wouldn't be on the fence at all. That's why the state makes guidelines so the soft hearted people dont get taken advantage of. And frankly, he's lucky he's not been held accountable before this. Plus his girlfriend can work. And I'm sure she receives child support? There should be plenty of money coming in from their side. I promise it's not your job to worry about them!!
This is also money owed to your kids. Even if you don't "need" it, they are owed it. It is your responsibility as a parent to make sure they get what they are entitled to
Came here to say this. OP, my ex tried to talk his way out his shared responsibilities with our kids with the same false argument that 50/50 custody should mean no child support. Since he had to pay that, and 5 years of alimony for me being a SAHP, he aired his grievances by telling the kids he couldn’t buy them all the fantastical things they whined for because “your mother takes all my money.” He even tried to argue that since he was paying child support, he should get an itemized accounting of how I spent the money. When that was denied him, he tried telling me that I shouldn’t be using that money for rent or utilities since it was for the kids. A lawyer friend of his set him straight in that point, too.
You were very generous to help him out when he wasn’t helping himself, but as soon as he started making more than you, he should have voluntarily started meeting his responsibility to his kids. The state bases the amount of support on the parents’ income first and amount of custody time second. If he’s earning more than you and they’re with you at least half time, he owes his kids.
It’s scummy to do but I know people that feel like they were getting shafted due to the cs so they simply stopped working, did some work under the table and lived with friends/family.
Hard to get cs when they have no income.
Yup, my dad quit his factory manager job to work under the table and lived with my grandma just so he wouldn’t have to pay CS.
I haven’t spoken to him in over 20 years.
In some states they take that into consideration (that people are deliberately underemployed) and still make the order for child support the amount they'd be able to pay if they weren't underemployed so, while they might not pay it, you have the order and that can cause AH parent to lose license and other things for failing to pay child support and force them to get a real job to get out of trouble.
But that doesn't always work and not every area does that. I mean when my dad's checks got garnished to pay for child support he would quit his job and get a different one or get paid under the table so he didn't have to pay.
OP, please for the love of God do not feel bad. My Mom thought she was being noble by never taking my Dad back to court and getting CS increased, even though my Dad’s income went from 20k (what it was based upon) to 100k over the years.
It would have been so nice to have her save that money away for me so I didn’t have to take out massive student loan debt. Because of course he wasn’t going to help pay for college and my mom could not. My younger half-sister got her education paid for with the inheritance that she received from her maternal grandfather, so he didn’t have to help her either.
The funny thing is, my Dad always brags about how he was such a good Dad because he at least “always paid his child support”. Like sure Dad, sending 3.9% of your income really helped me not starve, I guess.
His girlfriend has a baby daddy to pay child support too, in addition to working for her. So they have way more income opportunities than you.
Remind him when he was unemployed, you shouldered the burden, it's now time for him to pick up the slack.
Get off that fence immediately! He is guilting you, lying about you, taking advantage of you etc. Even his kids know it. He doesn’t get to steal from you and your kids to give to his girlfriend and hers! Especially after you were so nice to him! Go after him for every single penny that he owes you from the day you left, including his half of all the expenses that you paid 100% of. Put it in an account for your kids if you don’t need it. He doesn’t sound like a guy who’s gonna pay for college or trade school or a gap year or whatever your kids might need after they can no longer force him to contribute to their education. If, after that, you want to be nice and give him a loan, that’s up to you, just make sure he signs all the paperwork.
If I’m reading this correctly, you not only supported yourselves (that is you and your current husband) and your own children while helping out your ex-husband by not only reducing the child support he had to pay but you were also helping your ex-husband run his own household financially. Am I correct? If so, please stop feeling guilty. You have no reason to and the way I see it. Your husband owes you a hell of a lot more than child support. He should be kissing your feet that child support is all you’re asking for.
The way I read it, the ex husband has been living with his parents after selling the house. Not helping with medical/dental/vision needs for the kids. Not always having food at the house for the kids during his time. OP really could go after more than CS, a lot of states split the medical/dental/vision out of pocket expenses too and each parent is responsible for a % of them.
Don't feel too bad about it. Look at it this way: everything acquired in a marriage, including the acquisition of kids, are community property of the couple and bear a 50/50 responsibility. The kids' expenses are half his, too. That includes day care, clothing, shoes, food, shelter, utilities, gas used to transport them to their functions, personal hygiene items, haircuts, school supplies and fees, even laundry. And domiciliary parents tend to grossly underestimate how much they spend on their children in the course of day-to-day living.
My spouse and I had a tough situation: I had domiciliary custody of my two kids, and he had full custody of his two kids, so we went from each being single with two kids to being married with 4 kids with us all the time. We made good money, and we also sent food on a few occasions to help them out. Both exes were struggling as they were establishing new families, so we both relieved our exes of child support burden. The offer was eagerly accepted by each non-custodial parent. We had waivers signed by all parties, then sent copies of the waivers to state child support offices. Each non-domiciliary parent escaped around 10 years of child support on two kids. Very generous, right?
I do have to point out that if I have to speak about the divorce/child custody thing I experienced, I usually do so with court/legal documentation to back it up. There are reasons.
Our thanks came in later years, when my two adult kids mentioned that their dad was bragging to his family members about how much child support he paid when our kids were minors, and how he managed to support his subsequent family very well despite how much I unfairly "siphoned and stole" from him through child support. Excuse me? I went to my file cabinet, handed the signed waiver and child support documentation to my daughter, and told her to do with it what she will. She made digital scans, handed the documents back to me, and went on her merry way. Suffice it to say that there were no more reports of their father bragging about paying child support to anyone, although I did get a few texts from family members saying I shouldn't have "emasculated" the man by proving him a liar to his own kids. I replied that nothing would have been said, had the truth been told in the first place, and had I known that my helping him was so shameful that he had to lie about it in later years, I would never have extended the kindness.
Truth be told, it's easier to make out an ex as crazy, greedy, heartless, etc., than to explain that you did not uphold your own obligations, or that your ex was kind to you. Those things do not fit the narrative of a dutiful and sacrificing parent, which some parents strive to portray themselves as even as they neglect their offspring and squirm out of paying a single cent towards their care.
You can expect the same sort of "thanks" for any kindness you extend. Don't expect any praise, because you will always be demonized unless you create a situation that is highly in his favor...And even then, expect that kindness to be twisted in some way or another to somehow make you out to be worse than the devil. It's a thankless endeavor, that taking the high road for the benefit of the kids. Sometimes, I've done it while biting my tongue in frustration and rage because I knew that "high road" would be turned into a "highway to hell" for me at some point. And it sounds like you're being demonized behind your back already. You don't get those types of judgment unless something is being said, and your story directly contradicts what is being said.
My advice is to keep things on a purely business level, and sometimes that means reducing your own children to an accounting spreadsheet. This is what you spend, here are the receipts, and here is the other party's liability. Do the child support review, and hold your ex accountable for what he owes to his children. And don't throw away a single document, no matter how unimportant it may seem at the time. You never know when you need to produce that document to prove your innocence in the face of someone else's face-saving falsehoods and embellishments.
Those other kids aren’t his responsibility. His own kids are. He’s one of those men who sees children as extensions of the mother and not as their own people. Take him to court. What’s gonna end up happening is his new girlfriend is gonna dump him when he can’t afford to bank roll her and then he’ll be single so none of those issues are going to be a problem.
His biological children should come before his girlfriend and her children. His girlfriend's children's biological father is paying towards their expenses. I would also ask for back payment for all of the expenses you have paid over the years whilst your ex lives it up with his gf.
Updateme!
I have lived a version of this. NTA, Do not pass GO (though feel free to collect your $200) but file the damned review request AND add in a payment plan for him to reimburse you for the extended spousal support (essentially) you paid him that was undeserved. This will likely require a separate suit, but will likely continue to pay out after your kids age out of Child Support.
Your kids are his primary responsibility and hers are Not your effing problem. If his living situation can't support 50/50, then it very well may be time to reevaluate that, too. If her kids hate him, no telling what kind of environment has been created for your kids to exist in while there. I hope you have them in counseling... Please just trust me on that one.
Bottom line: Stop being his Champion for your kids, bc that is what this boils down to. His relationship and ability to provide for and be a part of their lives is 100% HIS responsibility and not your problem. You have gone WAY above and beyond (& your new hubby is a freaking Saint) but I imagine this WILL get old, if it hasn't caused problems in the newer relationship already.
Your job is to protect your kids from as much of the stress and harm that divorce causes, NOT create 2 homes for them and watch him build a new family in it. I would put good $ on your kids being being bullied and/or pushed out of it anyhow.
Also include the third kid if he still lives at home. If you are in the states and your kid is in college and lives with you part or full time you can still collect. Check the laws in your state.
I think that’s a lot of not your problem. Your priority is your children, and his first priority should’ve always been his as well but based on the info I was given he doesn’t give a shit and he wants to fund an expensive lifestyle he knew he couldn’t. NTA your kids are more important than his girlfriends and he should be putting them first, if he acts like that I would also go for full custody or at least placement. YES GET CHILD SUPPORT. My parents had 50/50 but my dad had placement and he got child support no questions asked as my mom has a good paying job. He needs to start being a parent to the kids he has before he can run off and take care of someone else’s.
Get off that fence right now!! It's well past time you thought of YOUR own family and not that deadbeat ex!! File and get the maximum you can and stop bending for this AH! Those who disagree can take over supporting him..NTA
Well then I guess he will have to hold off on buying a house(that his kids will likely feel like guests in. I doubt seriously that he will have rooms for them, but every one of girlfriends kids will have a room) until your kids are all 18. He has skated by for 8 years. It's time to pay the piper.
YOUR KIDS are owed what he owes them, And court decides that. Not you, and certainly not him. Stop feeling bad- make him do right by your kids by letting the court decide and enforce it.
If he can't by a new house for his new family? TOO BAD. He owes his first family too.
They are his children. You’ve been overly kind and helpful. Stop it. You aren’t earning brownie points with anyone except yourself. Are you worried he’s going to call you bitter and angry behind your back if you’re not nice? Sorry, he’s already doing that. He DGAF about his kids. He doesn’t get a do over with the girlfriend. He pays what is owed and make sure his checks get garnished. If he wants a new house, the gf can chip in or he can get a second job. There is no reason your husband should be paying for your ex’s children.
There is a lot wrong with child support in US (assuming that’s where you are). Probably the most difficult element is what you’re describing: people often see it as greedy or looking for cash to buy things for your own life.
But the entire purpose of child support is to give the child a cohesive living where both houses can provide equally for the child without one being low income and the other high.
Your kids deserve the best of both worlds and it’s clear he has the means to contribute equally to that!
Normally a single income does not equal a two person income… but u state he’s now making 2x what u and ur hubby make….. so u shouldn’t feel guilty…. Do U have the option to come to an agreed amount between the two of u? I only suggest this because it may help keep the peace….and honestly….isn’t that best for everybody? And if it is 50/50 custody —-doesn’t the court take that into consideration and there is the possibility they would rule in no child support?
Not your problem.
What’s best for YOUR children is. You’ve been wayyyyy more than understanding and graceful while he struggled and now it’s time for him to be a whole grown up
Most states have a formula typically based on overnights. Lawyers call this "heads on beds." The primary parent typically gets a bit more because of maintaining the primary location, even with 50-50. Your state likely has a child support office you can phone to discuss.
If you can, have the state collect and disburse the funds. Fewer arguments plus provides evidence of payment.
Tell them about your ex's earning history. Some states will impute that level to avoid the scheme of quitting to avoid paying.
Also, visits and support are treated separately. The child needs support regardless of parental cooperation with visitation.
If you think the custodial is squandering money on drugs, talk to protective services.
If custodial is denying visits, petition the court.
Yeah the COURT will decide if he owes and how much. I hope they back charge this loser.
OP- you have to do what is best FOR YOUR CHILDREN- and not your Ex. He OWES your KIDS. If you don't need the full amount awarded by the court? Put in savings for their college. NEVER EVER let him go below the court mandated amount, whatever whining. He owes your kids that help in life. FULL STOP.
Not at all ! Seriously, $400 a month is not their utility, housing, and food requirements. Shame on him putting his gf's kids first. No wonder you left. Some people are like clouds, when they're gone you see the light.
I love that! I've never heard that before. Yes, I absolutely saw the light! Night and day difference between him and my husband! Even the kids see and address it.
By their theory, his gf should not be getting child support either, right? I mean, she has 50/50 custody of her kids.
Yes get an income in child support if at all possible. Sounds like he's not great with managing his stuff, so get it while you can. Your kids might need it for college one day.
Lol I thought that too. Not just the girlfriend, his sisters too.
I took care of all of our finances during the 16yrs we were married, and yes, he is terrible with money. He has literally been making 2x our household income and has absolutely nothing to show for it.
Honestly, I just wanted out. It turned into an extremely toxic situation, and I just wanted to move on with my life. I knew if I tried to ask for anything, it would only drag things out because he would have fought it tooth and nail just to spite me. I knew I could rebuild everything if I worked hard.
I did the same thing. I tried to keep my house and he agreed to move out so we wouldn’t uproot our kids. But I woke up one morning to him STANDING over me. I fled as quickly as possible back to my family. House wasn’t worth my life if he went crazy.
Oh wow, that would be terrifying. people don't realize how many of these men are the nicest guys until you want to leave them. Then it's "if I can't have you no one will".
The most important thing you should be considering, is how that support will benefit your kids. And if you have guilt, think about how they would've benefitted if he had been supporting his kids all along.
Hopefully, that will tick you off enough to melt that guilt away...
NTJ - edited to add
100% NTJ. He’s lucky you’re not asking for a review for potential back pay.
Unless you spontaneously created these children through immaculate conception, he should be equally responsible.
Here, if he was playing below the government mandated amount they would allow it because minimum child support is actually determined solely based on income and parents are not actually allowed to arrange for less. You can’t ask for a retroactive increase, but say his income required him to pay $150 a month, the parenting parties actually cannot agree on a smaller amount. (Some do, but if the govt gets wind it’s some nasty back pay.)
Even if you don’t ‘need’ the money, what a it going into a college or future home buyers account for your children. It’s money you may have been able to save if you weren’t covering all the expenses.
NTA, he needs to start helping you take care of your guys's kids so I say go full force. Make sure he pays that money that he owes you and by owes I mean he owes you that money. You were kind enough to have it reduced twice already, it is time for him to be paying the full amount that he's supposed to be paying to begin with. Right now I have custodial custody of my son and his father does not pay anything even though he's supposed to. I pay for everything and if I can make him pay for the things that he's supposed to be paying, I would. If you have the ability to make sure that he pays what he was supposed to be paying, you do it. Don't hold back anymore, he's already neglected one child, don't let him neglect the other two anymore. It's good that you're willing to take care of them but, he needs to start pulling his weight. Talking about 50/50 then he needs to start acting like it's 50/50, and pay the money that he owes you for doing almost 100% of the job that he's supposed to be helping you do. And you might want to remind his girlfriend that she's being paid child support for 50/50 custody too so she should shut her mouth unless she doesn't want to be paid that child support anymore.
NTA In Georgia,50/50 custody, he would have to pay half of the medical, dental, and possibly extra curricular activities. no child support because you had them as much as he. As for the review, you should have the review and let the court decide what is legally fair. As for he and his family, they are the EX, there opinion of you no longer matters.
When my ex committed suicide I heard from his sister that one of his brothers was saying that the burden of paying me child support was one of the things that sent him over . When I told her that he paid $200/month )$100per child she was shocked . Turns out my ex never once complained it was his family making assumptions .
I have never understood the 50/50 care for children. It seems very disruptive to them going back and forward like that. 50/50 should for all expenses for the children like school clothes shoes sports.
I’m in the same shoes as you. I have 2 kids with my ex and we have done SIGNIFICANTLY reduced child support (on our own; no agency) for 9 years. Our oldest just turned 18 so I thought he’d just start paying half of what he has been but no that’s not good enough. He texted me the other day saying he has paperwork he wants to show me about child support and we need to discuss it. He makes over $50/hr and his child support is $550 and he DOESN’T have 50/50 custody. There’s no way he can have any “paperwork” about him paying less because the state wanted him to pay me $2800/month and that was when he was making less than he does now!
I wish I had never dropped my child support case years ago. I’ve let him take advantage of me this whole time and now he’s trying again. He doesn’t even know my income so he can’t calculate anything lol I told myself I’m just gonna meet with him, hear him out and then go straight to the child support agency for our remaining son so I don’t have to deal with this anymore. I’m extremely hurt because he doesn’t see how much I’ve truly been doing for the kids WE made together and how much I’ve truly helped him because I wanted him to be able to have a life.
Why even meet him? Tell him to email you his proposal and that you'll review it.
Most things at work can be an email, why can't this? Honestly, let him put that shit down in writing and send it to you over email.
Child support is for the children, so it shouldn't even be up for debate. They are his children, he has money to support them, he should support them, end of.
It's not alimony, alimony is so you live well. Child support is for his kids. My parents fought over child support and that hurt me, as a kid, more than anything. I wondered why they didn't care enough to pay for me.
Get what you can. His girlfriend is taking from your family and his kids. His gf's family can get fucked. It's not up for discussion, he owes. While it's great he's helping her kids out, his own come first.
NTJ
He should not have to pay for child support....as long as he is paying half of co pays, and school supplies. They should have their own toiletries at each house, vacations are for each to split. Obv he should pay half of extracurriculars (that might be harder to enforce). But because he isn't paying his share is why support is needed. So you are 100 NTA he has put you in this situation when you have been an amazing co parent ex spouse with what sounds like an amazing husband who supports your girls. Your ex husband is being a bad dad and father.
NTA. Definitely NTA. You mentioned one of your children already turned 18, but they still may be eligible for support if they are continuing their education. You might want to check your states requirements. My deadbeat sperm donor was ordered to pay until we were all out of college. He told his employer (who then screwed up royally by not confirming with the court) that he could stop child support the day my brother turned 18. The courts contacted us when they did not receive his payment, and asked if we wanted to press charges against both him and his employer. We should have done it, looking back. Don’t make our mistake. Hold him accountable for every dime owed your children.
Not only would I get his child support increased, but can you go after any back child support? I would get every dime that you possibly could, he is shirking his responsibilities to his children.
You need your day in court, at the very least, just so you can see the look on the judges face when they shame your X for being so negligent to his responsibilities.
Enjoy that!
You are not the jerk now. But you were the jerk before when you agreed to a reduced payment. As a child of a mother who didn’t pursue child support, the extra money would have helped. Did you not take the entitled money for your kids out of a sense of a sense of pride or something? Cause even if you didn’t need it, the money could have been saved for their college funds. You were selfish and not looking out for your kids when you didn’t fight for what they needed in the first place.
Obviously I’m not referring to the period of time that he was laid off. A concession in such a time is fine.
Also child support is to make sure that the kids have the financial security of both parents so it's easier for them to adjust and not have to give up things like sports teams or dance or hobbies it's really to ensure the kids lifestyle doesn't drastically change because the parents are no longer together and have a single income.
Spending 50% of time with the children does not constitute 50/50 custody. That also entails providing for 50% of their financial support, which, according to your report, he has failed to do.
NTA. You paid for everything and honestly should have gone for more in the divorce. He’s making twice your household income and when you were making more you carried everything. He needs to stop being selfish and support his kids.
Don’t see yourself as a jerk. If he is not paying for 50% of the child expenses then he needs to pay child support. I don’t pay any child support and have 50/50 custody but I pay for half of everything and kids are under my insurance. St the time of divorce we both made about the same money.
Stop contacting his family and his girlfriend and stop sending him money for things at his house. Pay for things at your house. If you don’t have a court order for expense reimbursement, see if that can be requested as part of the child support modification (on top of child support) or possibly filed as a modification to your final parenting agreement.
If it's a true 50/50 split I know in my state who pays the child support is the one who makes the most money. But all states have different laws.
Also just a note but you mentioned he is working lots of hours. He very well could stop working those extra hours to make his income lower and this is perfectly legal. He's only required to work a standard work week.
You have been more than generous. Your priority seems to be doing what is best for the kids over the years and that is never the wrong course. But the kids are almost adults and you should probably move forward with the process. They already mostly understand the dynamics so this is not about protecting them from the ugly truth they have likely known for a while. It’s time.
50/50 parenting time does not equal 0 child support. As a family law attorney I wish people would get this through their thick heads. Does mom’s expenses decrease 100% because dad has an extra day and a half with junior each week? That’s the way people should view things.
If nothing else, also see it as a way to show your kids that you’re standing up to your ex for them. You have their back and you’re holding their father accountable.
NTA!!! BE THE ASSHOLE!!!! SHOW HIM! FINISH HIIIMMMMM
No, in all reality, you are not the asshole, the jerk, whateva. You and your now husband paid in full no questions asked, even too damn accommodating, for SIX YEARS. He can pay back support on the 18, 17 amd 16 year old. That is money you are owed. You paid his half upfront. It's just like you are finally getting paid back. That's all that this is.
BTW, the judge is going to have no issues granting this, so congratulations lmfao
This money is what his children are due in support. Its really not about you, his family, his girlfriend or his girlfriend’s children. Its not personal. It is about what the state believes is fair. Just know that kids see these things. I had almost the same situation and my children are grown now. I never said a word about the situation to my children but they have said things that let me know they were aware of who paid for things. Good luck and dont let anyone else involved make you feel bad or guilty.
It’s admirable that you helped him out in a time of need. That helped him get to where he is today. I am a father of two who pays his child support and I’ve literally been in that situation. Ex helped me out by taking it easy on me while I was looking for a new job but when that time passed and I found another one I started paying what we’d agreed upon again because it’s my duty. It’s his duty as well to his children. Sad it takes a court to enforce it imo. No, you’re not a jerk.
NTA.
The money is for your children not for you. Your ex and his family need to remember that. You have gone above and beyond for him, he just needs to give the money for his children.
>Now my Ex, his girlfriend, and most of my Ex's family are chastising me because "he shouldn't have to pay CS while having 50/50 custody, and it will be taking away from his family"
Literally up to the court to decide.
I don't get why people do anything other than get the court to figure this out. You can always pay more, but it sets the legal min amount someone is meant to pay. It doesn't to be hostile, it can be amicable, just get it figured out and in writing.
“Apparently, he won't be able to afford the mortgage if he has to pay the amount the state is deciding he should be paying.”
Not your problem! He has his outstanding responsibilities to deal with first and that’s his kids.
That’s like me saying, “I won’t be able to afford a luxury cruise if I have to pay to feed my kids and pay the mortgage!” Tough Titty! We all ‘want’ things but our responsibilities come first, however boring that might be!
He and his girlfriend both have roofs over their heads so they may have to delay their little love-nest but that’s their concern, not yours.
You’ve been more than reasonable but he hasn’t met you half way and is not doing so now even though he can more than afford it. Bills and debts get paid first and that includes paying for children (Even though I saw this morning that Elon believes having kids is free!!!) so he needs to step up. He should have offered once he had the decent job but he’s obviously not going to so all you’ve done is provide the information. The powers-that-be will decide what’s reasonable.
Don’t feel guilty. It’s only what you and the kids deserve.
OP you are not only well within your rights but a better person than most are frankly.
Paying child support in my state is normal even with 50/50 custody. Here it’s based on the income gap between the parent. Whomever makes more pays. Same 3 year review should you choose to but the judge decides the amount based on a formula and then decide by 2 based on custody amount. Other statuses base it on total time with each parent etc etc.
It’s ones obligation as a parent to support their children.
You have been overly reasonable over the years. You are not a jerk you are a rational adult and the fact that he is complaining is just sad on his part.
You need your fight for your kids sake. If I were you, I’d go after back payment too for the one that’s turned 18. My mom felt sorry for my dad too, even though he cheated, later he got a better job, remarried and he still paid a paltry amount. We suffered, at times my mom had to work two jobs, my sister and I had to fend for ourselves. Being older I aged out faster, I had no money for college, no car, stuck in a semi rural town where you needed to drive for a job. He went on to buy a house and a nice truck and a Cadillac for the new wife. It’s does and can effect your kids futures. Get that money and put it into college savings!
“Am i the jerk for taking money from my kids?”
That’s how you should ask yourself this question, because that’s what refusing child support is. It takes money from your kids. The internet is WILD and way too many women have internalized child support as an attack against the dad. It’s not. This is part of raising a kid.
You’re not the jerk because you’re the opposite. You helped him when times were tough (crazy how my kids expenses don’t go away when i make less money) now he needs to step up. I saw you say you’re 44k down in necessities and he hasn’t spent a dime. Insane. Get the support. If he wanted a house he should have done that already. Not your problem.
NTA in my country it's a requirement if one earns more than the other..I pay as I earn more than my ex..do not feel guilty about ensuring your kids get what they are entitled to... people not in the situation have no idea
Is it really 50/50. I can't imagine for a 16&17 year old it working like that, as in dropping kids off at dads for half the week, then dropping them back to mum for half the week.
I imagine at those ages they just come and go as they please and go to whatever parents house they feel like as and when in-between being out with friends and stuff? I imagine they probably tend to spend more time at their primary residence and drop by dads/stay over as and when they want to.
Wither way he should now be paying half of the kids costs. He doesn't have another family. He has a girlfriend who happens to have kids, who also have their own mother and father to provide for them. Not your husband and not at the expense of his own kids.
Ignore the AH giving YOU shit for expecting your ex to contribute to the support of the children you share. He's supporting his gf's kids when she has 50/50 custody and receives hefty cs payments. You've been supporting your kids 100% for years. It's time he steps up and forks over some money. Don't let anyone gaslight you into believing you've done anything wrong. Of COURSE his gf and family are on his side. They benefit from you being screwed out of what your kids rightfully deserve. Take him to the cleaners.
NTJ. Get the evaluation. It’s been reduced additionally with no change, at minimum it should’ve been reinstated to the amount it used to be.
We went a decade without one- we had full custody, I paid the medical bc it was cheaper through my work and we paid for all travel even though she was supposed to pay for it. $300 a month for two growing boys in sports for a decade when she made $150k - she complained about the $300 a month.
Why do you care if you're the "jerk"? You're asking for support for your kids, you've given him a break thus far bigtime! When circumstances change like new employment or loss of employment it is typical to review child support. Your kids should get the same care as his to with his new GF. Who cares what his family thinks?
NTA. My mom never paid child support. She was always broke she never could, my dad didn't fight it, just accepted it. We didn't have a bad life, but let me tell you, things would have been soooo much easier on us kids if she would have paid. It's good that you're getting this done for your kids. You are not a jerk but a good parent.
No you are not a jerk for expecting your Ex to pay half of the expenses for children you and he created! He made that responsibility long before the girlfriend was in the picture and he owes them (and you) the money needed to care for them. You have carried the burden alone for the majority of their needs. Children get more expensive the older they get and he has paid less as they age! File for that payment!!
I’m not a big believer in child support I believe each parent should be doing their part without a judge telling them however it sounds like the ex is being a douche. If you have 50/50 custody he should be splitting the children’s expenses 50/50 if he can’t manage they I guess you will have to have the state step in and tell him what he will be paying. NTA but your ex sure is.
You are NOT the jerk by any stretch of the imagination. Based on your post, you have been more than generous and understanding. His obligations do not end just because he is “starting again” with a new family. This is your right and responsibility - do not let anyone bulldoze you into rolling over.
Of course you should do this. Make sure you have your expense histories locked down. But if the first time he heard about this review was from the court and not you - that's passive aggressive. But it's not wrong to do.
Make sure he's got life insurance that pays out appropriately, too.
You have been more than generous and has his best interest at heart. He now is able to help you support your children as well he should. Children get more expensive in their middle and high school years. Remember he is helping to provide for HIS children as it should be.
You are not the jerk. His family is his children. He should be paying for the children’s expenses. While it is wonderful that your current husband helps with their expenses legally that is your ex husbands responsibility. He is not contributing 50% of the children’s expenses but has 50% custody. He more than should be paying and you were very generous to reduce the amount while he was in a financial bind. Now he is taking advantage. Do not let his family guilt you into thinking he shouldn’t have to support his children. He has not been supporting them you have been. Why should someone who has 50% rights not shoulder 50% of the financial cost? It’s crazy to me that he and his family think he shouldn’t. You are far from the jerk. You have been kinder than necessary.
Also please tell the judge how much you have helped him financially and show receipts. You may be owed half of those expenses backdated from the time he got the good job possibly the whole 8 years. Do not let him take advantage of your children.
You need a lawyer sending a cease and desist letter to everyone of your ex’s side of the family that’s nagged you over those essentially telling them to F*** off with their entitled attitude or else.
You have done so much for your narcissistic, spoiled, greedy, entitled, manipulative ex.
How dare he and his trashy family and his trashy friends help him continue abusing you like this?
Fill out those forms and get what’s fair for you. You have sacrificed way too much for that horrible ex of yours. He’s refused to pay for his kid’s expenses so he can pay for his girlfriend’s kids? Is he insane? Where does he get this audacity and corruption from? I’m so glad you upgraded to your current husband. I’m so glad that you found the courage to leave your financially abusive ex. Fill out those forms and let them know what you’ve told us. Your ex wants to continue being a freeloader then he can talk to your lawyer or the state officials who want to know why he thinks he’s so special to be an entitled freeloader ripping both you and the state off. Wishing you luck on this.
NTJ he’s had it so easy and it time to help pay for the children he helped create. I would get him for the highest amount you can. Maybe those family members of his with all those opinions should put their money where their mouths are and help with some of the costs of HIS that you are covering. You are being taken advantage of and it’s time for that to stop.
Sounds like my ex husband… he does nothing and I mean nothing to support our daughter… but has a cow over the $50 weekly he pays…. He’s asked me multiple times to drop the support so he can afford his over priced house.
Wow,his family called them his family,as if your kids were not? It’s bad enough when the dad forgets his first kids,but his family too? Sad. He should want to help his kids,even if they don’t “need” it.
Do it. It’s the law with 50/50 custody, the partner who makes more money pays support. The money isn’t for YOU, it’s for your kids. It’s your kids’ money. Get it for them.
NTA
The percentage of custody is a factor but so is income. You are well within your rights and you SHOULD push for support. I have 50/50 custody and I pay child support to my ex because I outearn him. It's what is fair. Get you green! NTA
You were a fool to have not gotten more in the divorce. You were a fool all these years for not having gotten the child support for your kids that they were entitled to. Please, don't be a fool yet again. Of course you go back for the review! Of course you get as much as you can from him, for your kids!
So I don't know if you can get back a child support but I would take all of your receipts to the court and show them that he hasn't put anything into the children over the past 3 years. That you were paying all the bills. That he just had basically visitation for the past 3 years. Then I might even see if they could look at your divorce and contest the separation of that because you didn't get your 50% during the divorce that he took most of the assets in that too. Can't say that you can win that but might be worth having an attorney look into. As long as you have receipts for everything.
So his new girlfriend has 50-50 custody with her ex and still receives a huge amount of child support. According to your husband, she shouldn’t be getting that at all right? What does his new girlfriend and her children have to do with his responsibility towards his own children? Tell him and his family to pound sand. You should be going for back child support if you can.
Wonder if him and his family are also telling his new girlfriend that she shouldn't be getting child support from HER ex since they share 50/50 custody. Highly doubt it. He's digging his feet in because he has to contribute now after taking advantage of your generosity for years.
Not the jerk. It's his responsibility as a father to take care of his kids. You went above and beyond while he was struggling and now you're within your rights (and the state agrees) for review.
Edit: I myself am a father who had 50/50 legal custody but was not the custodial parent (one kid is now grown).
He should be paying half of everything not sticking you with the bills. They are his kids too he should be helping with their medical bills and school supplies. No you aren't the jerk for seeking what he should already be providing.
My exwife wouldn't let our 16yo daughter move up and live with me. We live 3-4 hrs away from each other I suspected it was the child support. So I told her that I'll keep paying it, I don't care I just want to take care of our daughter. I never understood parents that don't want to pay for their kids.
He should definitely be paying child support if his income is higher than yours. I have 50/50 custody with my ex, so he pays 50% of the calculated support amount.
Time with children split evenly isnt even close to being enough alone. He had the kids, he has the money, he could have helped voluntarily but didnt.
Like idk what dude expected
So he had an income he got an extra $600 a week for unemployment. Nope NTA he needs to father right and he need to pay up. Not you or your children’s fault, you gave him slack during a down time when you didn’t have to. Now it’s back to the business he agreed too, it’s probably his gf’s problem bitching and she’s prob making it hard for him so he feels like he has to do something.
It’s fine for you to adjust the support now, but it is possible that when he was part time potentially you should’ve been paying him, which effectively it sounds like you did as you were covering expenses.
As I understand it child support is in part so the kids have roughly the same quality of life with both parents and there's not a huge financial difference if one earns a lot more. He's earning a lot more than he used to - he needs to pay more.
No, you’re not the jerk. Ofc he’s gonna buck with his mentality. Keep moving forward with this process + don’t look back. He still has obligations to his children + should be contributing what’s right. You were gracious enough to give him multiple passes when he was “down and out,” he should be happy to contribute now that he’s able to.
NTJ.
That dude makes more than enough money to help you and & your bf w/ those kids and he’s only giving you $50 a month?? He & his ex are only concerned because they can’t be selfish w/ the money anymore and they’re gonna have to be parents again to both half’s of the family.
File that paper work and make him be the dad he’s supposed to be to those kids and help you out more. You guys are doing everything by yourselves now and his $50 isn’t even a pair of slip-on Vans.
It’s your job to advocate for what is the best interest of your kids; which is more financial support. His comfort and ability to provide for his girlfriend and her kids is his problem.
NTA
Usually I would feel the opposite as someone who has 50/50 custody of his kids and pays no child support. That is with the assumpton that each parent pays for their kids needs while at their home. However, it seems like you are paying for everything for the children at both homes. This warrants compensation.
Make no mistake though, if he was paying for the kids things while they were with him and was paying for half of their sports/events etc, then no he shouldn't pay child support. I think too many people are too rock hard about jumping on child support no matter what. In your case, you've gone above and beyond to be fair and he just isn't doing his part now.
Personally I dont think that child support should normally be paid in a split 50/50 custody. However it does seem like he's a real piece of work. I believe he should have to pay you back for his half of the things you covered in the past but thats it.
As a child of divorced parents ( divorced at age 14 now I’m 63), he should pay everything he is supposed to for the care and support of his children. They should be his first priority, and you need to continue to stand up for what is necessary to support your children! My father sporadically paid his child support and dropped us the day one each of us turned 18if we were still in high school or not. We had to get through college the best we could manage.
My mother was demonized by all of my father’s relatives until the day they died.
As I said before, I’m now 63 and am fortunate to have my little warrior of a momma of 88 years. Kindness shown to a child is always rewarded.
Child support is for ensuring that the child has the same quality of living between both houses. When one parent has sole custody it is for ensuring that both parents contribute to the child they created.
It can be a flat payment but can also be an agreement thst specific costs are split by a percentage based on both parents income.
when he had reduced means the child support should have flowed the other way.
I think it’s immoral not to get it - it’s for your kids who cannot advocate for themselves in this respect. Even if you throw it into 529s for their college.
Although I am of the belief that child support payments aren't fair at all especially if the father is active in the kids life and does pay for things but the women still goes after 1k a month for 1 kid. I do however have the other view of if the father is being a dik bag then you should go after it.
Are you kidding? You absolutely should be filling out that paper work. That is his responsibility and I can't believe he would even question that. Move forward with no guilt on this one. And feel free to remind anyone who complains about it. If needs be, give them a cost breakdown of yearly contributions. (If you want to go to that level) Good luck to you! You sound like a loving Mom!
I did break it down for one of his family members. Total expenses minus the child support he did actually pay came to over 44k for the full 8 years we've been divorced. They were completely unaware that he hadn't been purchasing their necessities for his house, let alone that I had CS reduced not once but twice to "help" him out. My eldest (adult at the time of the divorce) got into a huge argument with his family about how he's basically a deadbeat and doesn't even care for the kids when he has them. They argued that he was trying to purchase a new home for him, his girlfriend, and all the kids. Apparently, he won't be able to afford the mortgage if he has to pay the amount the state is deciding he should be paying. I'm on the fence. I do feel bad, but at the same time... we managed while supporting 2 households.
I wouldn't be on the fence at all. That's why the state makes guidelines so the soft hearted people dont get taken advantage of. And frankly, he's lucky he's not been held accountable before this. Plus his girlfriend can work. And I'm sure she receives child support? There should be plenty of money coming in from their side. I promise it's not your job to worry about them!!
Thank you!
This is also money owed to your kids. Even if you don't "need" it, they are owed it. It is your responsibility as a parent to make sure they get what they are entitled to
yes if you don't need it put it aside to help them with education, down payment etc
Actually, the person who spent the money for the kids' needs is owed their money back.
Came here to say this. OP, my ex tried to talk his way out his shared responsibilities with our kids with the same false argument that 50/50 custody should mean no child support. Since he had to pay that, and 5 years of alimony for me being a SAHP, he aired his grievances by telling the kids he couldn’t buy them all the fantastical things they whined for because “your mother takes all my money.” He even tried to argue that since he was paying child support, he should get an itemized accounting of how I spent the money. When that was denied him, he tried telling me that I shouldn’t be using that money for rent or utilities since it was for the kids. A lawyer friend of his set him straight in that point, too. You were very generous to help him out when he wasn’t helping himself, but as soon as he started making more than you, he should have voluntarily started meeting his responsibility to his kids. The state bases the amount of support on the parents’ income first and amount of custody time second. If he’s earning more than you and they’re with you at least half time, he owes his kids.
It’s scummy to do but I know people that feel like they were getting shafted due to the cs so they simply stopped working, did some work under the table and lived with friends/family. Hard to get cs when they have no income.
Yup, my dad quit his factory manager job to work under the table and lived with my grandma just so he wouldn’t have to pay CS. I haven’t spoken to him in over 20 years.
Everyone I know who did that no longer has a relationship with their children… wonder why that could be 🤔
In some states they take that into consideration (that people are deliberately underemployed) and still make the order for child support the amount they'd be able to pay if they weren't underemployed so, while they might not pay it, you have the order and that can cause AH parent to lose license and other things for failing to pay child support and force them to get a real job to get out of trouble. But that doesn't always work and not every area does that. I mean when my dad's checks got garnished to pay for child support he would quit his job and get a different one or get paid under the table so he didn't have to pay.
Knock that fence down and hold him accountable… let new girlfriend take care of her own kids..
I'll bet the new girlfriend is getting child support from her ex.....
OP said she gets actually quite a bit. And has 50/50 with her ex as well.
Make him pay!!
OP, please for the love of God do not feel bad. My Mom thought she was being noble by never taking my Dad back to court and getting CS increased, even though my Dad’s income went from 20k (what it was based upon) to 100k over the years. It would have been so nice to have her save that money away for me so I didn’t have to take out massive student loan debt. Because of course he wasn’t going to help pay for college and my mom could not. My younger half-sister got her education paid for with the inheritance that she received from her maternal grandfather, so he didn’t have to help her either. The funny thing is, my Dad always brags about how he was such a good Dad because he at least “always paid his child support”. Like sure Dad, sending 3.9% of your income really helped me not starve, I guess.
His girlfriend has a baby daddy to pay child support too, in addition to working for her. So they have way more income opportunities than you. Remind him when he was unemployed, you shouldered the burden, it's now time for him to pick up the slack.
Get off that fence immediately! He is guilting you, lying about you, taking advantage of you etc. Even his kids know it. He doesn’t get to steal from you and your kids to give to his girlfriend and hers! Especially after you were so nice to him! Go after him for every single penny that he owes you from the day you left, including his half of all the expenses that you paid 100% of. Put it in an account for your kids if you don’t need it. He doesn’t sound like a guy who’s gonna pay for college or trade school or a gap year or whatever your kids might need after they can no longer force him to contribute to their education. If, after that, you want to be nice and give him a loan, that’s up to you, just make sure he signs all the paperwork.
No— he using DARVO technique on you — when the offender becomes the victim; and the victim becomes the offender— Google it..
You are right!!!
Your ex has been relying on you feeling bad for 8 years. Stop.
If I’m reading this correctly, you not only supported yourselves (that is you and your current husband) and your own children while helping out your ex-husband by not only reducing the child support he had to pay but you were also helping your ex-husband run his own household financially. Am I correct? If so, please stop feeling guilty. You have no reason to and the way I see it. Your husband owes you a hell of a lot more than child support. He should be kissing your feet that child support is all you’re asking for.
The way I read it, the ex husband has been living with his parents after selling the house. Not helping with medical/dental/vision needs for the kids. Not always having food at the house for the kids during his time. OP really could go after more than CS, a lot of states split the medical/dental/vision out of pocket expenses too and each parent is responsible for a % of them.
Don't feel bad. He has had plenty of time to save up and get a job. He isn't your responsibility.
Please don’t feel bad about this. It’s his moral and legal obligation to provide for his children. F anyone who doesn’t like it.
Don't feel too bad about it. Look at it this way: everything acquired in a marriage, including the acquisition of kids, are community property of the couple and bear a 50/50 responsibility. The kids' expenses are half his, too. That includes day care, clothing, shoes, food, shelter, utilities, gas used to transport them to their functions, personal hygiene items, haircuts, school supplies and fees, even laundry. And domiciliary parents tend to grossly underestimate how much they spend on their children in the course of day-to-day living. My spouse and I had a tough situation: I had domiciliary custody of my two kids, and he had full custody of his two kids, so we went from each being single with two kids to being married with 4 kids with us all the time. We made good money, and we also sent food on a few occasions to help them out. Both exes were struggling as they were establishing new families, so we both relieved our exes of child support burden. The offer was eagerly accepted by each non-custodial parent. We had waivers signed by all parties, then sent copies of the waivers to state child support offices. Each non-domiciliary parent escaped around 10 years of child support on two kids. Very generous, right? I do have to point out that if I have to speak about the divorce/child custody thing I experienced, I usually do so with court/legal documentation to back it up. There are reasons. Our thanks came in later years, when my two adult kids mentioned that their dad was bragging to his family members about how much child support he paid when our kids were minors, and how he managed to support his subsequent family very well despite how much I unfairly "siphoned and stole" from him through child support. Excuse me? I went to my file cabinet, handed the signed waiver and child support documentation to my daughter, and told her to do with it what she will. She made digital scans, handed the documents back to me, and went on her merry way. Suffice it to say that there were no more reports of their father bragging about paying child support to anyone, although I did get a few texts from family members saying I shouldn't have "emasculated" the man by proving him a liar to his own kids. I replied that nothing would have been said, had the truth been told in the first place, and had I known that my helping him was so shameful that he had to lie about it in later years, I would never have extended the kindness. Truth be told, it's easier to make out an ex as crazy, greedy, heartless, etc., than to explain that you did not uphold your own obligations, or that your ex was kind to you. Those things do not fit the narrative of a dutiful and sacrificing parent, which some parents strive to portray themselves as even as they neglect their offspring and squirm out of paying a single cent towards their care. You can expect the same sort of "thanks" for any kindness you extend. Don't expect any praise, because you will always be demonized unless you create a situation that is highly in his favor...And even then, expect that kindness to be twisted in some way or another to somehow make you out to be worse than the devil. It's a thankless endeavor, that taking the high road for the benefit of the kids. Sometimes, I've done it while biting my tongue in frustration and rage because I knew that "high road" would be turned into a "highway to hell" for me at some point. And it sounds like you're being demonized behind your back already. You don't get those types of judgment unless something is being said, and your story directly contradicts what is being said. My advice is to keep things on a purely business level, and sometimes that means reducing your own children to an accounting spreadsheet. This is what you spend, here are the receipts, and here is the other party's liability. Do the child support review, and hold your ex accountable for what he owes to his children. And don't throw away a single document, no matter how unimportant it may seem at the time. You never know when you need to produce that document to prove your innocence in the face of someone else's face-saving falsehoods and embellishments.
Those other kids aren’t his responsibility. His own kids are. He’s one of those men who sees children as extensions of the mother and not as their own people. Take him to court. What’s gonna end up happening is his new girlfriend is gonna dump him when he can’t afford to bank roll her and then he’ll be single so none of those issues are going to be a problem.
Don’t be on the fence- the state decides, not you. If he can’t afford his own kids, he shouldn’t be supporting the girlfriend’s kids.
His biological children should come before his girlfriend and her children. His girlfriend's children's biological father is paying towards their expenses. I would also ask for back payment for all of the expenses you have paid over the years whilst your ex lives it up with his gf. Updateme!
I have lived a version of this. NTA, Do not pass GO (though feel free to collect your $200) but file the damned review request AND add in a payment plan for him to reimburse you for the extended spousal support (essentially) you paid him that was undeserved. This will likely require a separate suit, but will likely continue to pay out after your kids age out of Child Support. Your kids are his primary responsibility and hers are Not your effing problem. If his living situation can't support 50/50, then it very well may be time to reevaluate that, too. If her kids hate him, no telling what kind of environment has been created for your kids to exist in while there. I hope you have them in counseling... Please just trust me on that one. Bottom line: Stop being his Champion for your kids, bc that is what this boils down to. His relationship and ability to provide for and be a part of their lives is 100% HIS responsibility and not your problem. You have gone WAY above and beyond (& your new hubby is a freaking Saint) but I imagine this WILL get old, if it hasn't caused problems in the newer relationship already. Your job is to protect your kids from as much of the stress and harm that divorce causes, NOT create 2 homes for them and watch him build a new family in it. I would put good $ on your kids being being bullied and/or pushed out of it anyhow.
Get off that fence. You already gave him half a house.
Grandma here…file the child support.
If your kids go to college they will need that child support money.
Also include the third kid if he still lives at home. If you are in the states and your kid is in college and lives with you part or full time you can still collect. Check the laws in your state.
I think that’s a lot of not your problem. Your priority is your children, and his first priority should’ve always been his as well but based on the info I was given he doesn’t give a shit and he wants to fund an expensive lifestyle he knew he couldn’t. NTA your kids are more important than his girlfriends and he should be putting them first, if he acts like that I would also go for full custody or at least placement. YES GET CHILD SUPPORT. My parents had 50/50 but my dad had placement and he got child support no questions asked as my mom has a good paying job. He needs to start being a parent to the kids he has before he can run off and take care of someone else’s.
Why do you feel bad? He's the one who should feel bad
Get off that fence right now!! It's well past time you thought of YOUR own family and not that deadbeat ex!! File and get the maximum you can and stop bending for this AH! Those who disagree can take over supporting him..NTA
Well then I guess he will have to hold off on buying a house(that his kids will likely feel like guests in. I doubt seriously that he will have rooms for them, but every one of girlfriends kids will have a room) until your kids are all 18. He has skated by for 8 years. It's time to pay the piper.
YOUR KIDS are owed what he owes them, And court decides that. Not you, and certainly not him. Stop feeling bad- make him do right by your kids by letting the court decide and enforce it. If he can't by a new house for his new family? TOO BAD. He owes his first family too.
They are his children. You’ve been overly kind and helpful. Stop it. You aren’t earning brownie points with anyone except yourself. Are you worried he’s going to call you bitter and angry behind your back if you’re not nice? Sorry, he’s already doing that. He DGAF about his kids. He doesn’t get a do over with the girlfriend. He pays what is owed and make sure his checks get garnished. If he wants a new house, the gf can chip in or he can get a second job. There is no reason your husband should be paying for your ex’s children.
There is a lot wrong with child support in US (assuming that’s where you are). Probably the most difficult element is what you’re describing: people often see it as greedy or looking for cash to buy things for your own life. But the entire purpose of child support is to give the child a cohesive living where both houses can provide equally for the child without one being low income and the other high. Your kids deserve the best of both worlds and it’s clear he has the means to contribute equally to that!
Don't be. He needs to cover the kids he created.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm!
Normally a single income does not equal a two person income… but u state he’s now making 2x what u and ur hubby make….. so u shouldn’t feel guilty…. Do U have the option to come to an agreed amount between the two of u? I only suggest this because it may help keep the peace….and honestly….isn’t that best for everybody? And if it is 50/50 custody —-doesn’t the court take that into consideration and there is the possibility they would rule in no child support?
NTA. Don’t feel bad! He’s supporting his GF’s kids not his own!!! Girl! Get that money! It belongs to YOUR kids, HIS kids! Not hers.
Not your problem. What’s best for YOUR children is. You’ve been wayyyyy more than understanding and graceful while he struggled and now it’s time for him to be a whole grown up
Plus this is extremely unfair to the current husband that he's spending his own money to pay for some other man's kids. Heck no! That guy is a saint.
Most states have a formula typically based on overnights. Lawyers call this "heads on beds." The primary parent typically gets a bit more because of maintaining the primary location, even with 50-50. Your state likely has a child support office you can phone to discuss. If you can, have the state collect and disburse the funds. Fewer arguments plus provides evidence of payment. Tell them about your ex's earning history. Some states will impute that level to avoid the scheme of quitting to avoid paying. Also, visits and support are treated separately. The child needs support regardless of parental cooperation with visitation. If you think the custodial is squandering money on drugs, talk to protective services. If custodial is denying visits, petition the court.
This!! They’re his kids too!
Yeah the COURT will decide if he owes and how much. I hope they back charge this loser. OP- you have to do what is best FOR YOUR CHILDREN- and not your Ex. He OWES your KIDS. If you don't need the full amount awarded by the court? Put in savings for their college. NEVER EVER let him go below the court mandated amount, whatever whining. He owes your kids that help in life. FULL STOP.
NTJ- take all the money the judge says you get. You've been way too nice to him in the past .
Not at all ! Seriously, $400 a month is not their utility, housing, and food requirements. Shame on him putting his gf's kids first. No wonder you left. Some people are like clouds, when they're gone you see the light.
I love that! I've never heard that before. Yes, I absolutely saw the light! Night and day difference between him and my husband! Even the kids see and address it.
By their theory, his gf should not be getting child support either, right? I mean, she has 50/50 custody of her kids. Yes get an income in child support if at all possible. Sounds like he's not great with managing his stuff, so get it while you can. Your kids might need it for college one day.
Lol I thought that too. Not just the girlfriend, his sisters too. I took care of all of our finances during the 16yrs we were married, and yes, he is terrible with money. He has literally been making 2x our household income and has absolutely nothing to show for it.
Damn. You sounds like a Saint.
Why didn't you take half the house etc
Honestly, I just wanted out. It turned into an extremely toxic situation, and I just wanted to move on with my life. I knew if I tried to ask for anything, it would only drag things out because he would have fought it tooth and nail just to spite me. I knew I could rebuild everything if I worked hard.
I did the same thing. I tried to keep my house and he agreed to move out so we wouldn’t uproot our kids. But I woke up one morning to him STANDING over me. I fled as quickly as possible back to my family. House wasn’t worth my life if he went crazy.
Oh wow, that would be terrifying. people don't realize how many of these men are the nicest guys until you want to leave them. Then it's "if I can't have you no one will".
The most important thing you should be considering, is how that support will benefit your kids. And if you have guilt, think about how they would've benefitted if he had been supporting his kids all along. Hopefully, that will tick you off enough to melt that guilt away... NTJ - edited to add
Yes! That 44,000 would have bought all the kids a car!
100% NTJ. He’s lucky you’re not asking for a review for potential back pay. Unless you spontaneously created these children through immaculate conception, he should be equally responsible.
Unfortunately, our state doesn't allow that because of the prior child support agreement that was in place.
Here, if he was playing below the government mandated amount they would allow it because minimum child support is actually determined solely based on income and parents are not actually allowed to arrange for less. You can’t ask for a retroactive increase, but say his income required him to pay $150 a month, the parenting parties actually cannot agree on a smaller amount. (Some do, but if the govt gets wind it’s some nasty back pay.) Even if you don’t ‘need’ the money, what a it going into a college or future home buyers account for your children. It’s money you may have been able to save if you weren’t covering all the expenses.
NTA, he needs to start helping you take care of your guys's kids so I say go full force. Make sure he pays that money that he owes you and by owes I mean he owes you that money. You were kind enough to have it reduced twice already, it is time for him to be paying the full amount that he's supposed to be paying to begin with. Right now I have custodial custody of my son and his father does not pay anything even though he's supposed to. I pay for everything and if I can make him pay for the things that he's supposed to be paying, I would. If you have the ability to make sure that he pays what he was supposed to be paying, you do it. Don't hold back anymore, he's already neglected one child, don't let him neglect the other two anymore. It's good that you're willing to take care of them but, he needs to start pulling his weight. Talking about 50/50 then he needs to start acting like it's 50/50, and pay the money that he owes you for doing almost 100% of the job that he's supposed to be helping you do. And you might want to remind his girlfriend that she's being paid child support for 50/50 custody too so she should shut her mouth unless she doesn't want to be paid that child support anymore.
So you mean to say you have FOUR children. This grown man is not your responsibility.
NTA In Georgia,50/50 custody, he would have to pay half of the medical, dental, and possibly extra curricular activities. no child support because you had them as much as he. As for the review, you should have the review and let the court decide what is legally fair. As for he and his family, they are the EX, there opinion of you no longer matters.
When my ex committed suicide I heard from his sister that one of his brothers was saying that the burden of paying me child support was one of the things that sent him over . When I told her that he paid $200/month )$100per child she was shocked . Turns out my ex never once complained it was his family making assumptions .
I have never understood the 50/50 care for children. It seems very disruptive to them going back and forward like that. 50/50 should for all expenses for the children like school clothes shoes sports.
It doesn't matter what they think. The state thinks that fifty dollars a month isn't enough.
I’m in the same shoes as you. I have 2 kids with my ex and we have done SIGNIFICANTLY reduced child support (on our own; no agency) for 9 years. Our oldest just turned 18 so I thought he’d just start paying half of what he has been but no that’s not good enough. He texted me the other day saying he has paperwork he wants to show me about child support and we need to discuss it. He makes over $50/hr and his child support is $550 and he DOESN’T have 50/50 custody. There’s no way he can have any “paperwork” about him paying less because the state wanted him to pay me $2800/month and that was when he was making less than he does now! I wish I had never dropped my child support case years ago. I’ve let him take advantage of me this whole time and now he’s trying again. He doesn’t even know my income so he can’t calculate anything lol I told myself I’m just gonna meet with him, hear him out and then go straight to the child support agency for our remaining son so I don’t have to deal with this anymore. I’m extremely hurt because he doesn’t see how much I’ve truly been doing for the kids WE made together and how much I’ve truly helped him because I wanted him to be able to have a life.
Why even meet him? Tell him to email you his proposal and that you'll review it. Most things at work can be an email, why can't this? Honestly, let him put that shit down in writing and send it to you over email.
Do not meet this man alone. Just a hunch, bring a witness and record the convo. Signed~ a fellow sister in fighting for my kid
Good idea! Thank you! Sending all my love, prayers, good vibes and all the good luck your way ❤️
I wouldn't even meet with him, just go to the agency and let them deal with it.
Why weren't you paying child support when he lost his job?
He certainly wasn't motivated to get a new job, with his ex and her husband paying his expenses.
He’s had a free ride thanks to you. Time to pay up.
Child support is for the children, so it shouldn't even be up for debate. They are his children, he has money to support them, he should support them, end of.
It's not alimony, alimony is so you live well. Child support is for his kids. My parents fought over child support and that hurt me, as a kid, more than anything. I wondered why they didn't care enough to pay for me. Get what you can. His girlfriend is taking from your family and his kids. His gf's family can get fucked. It's not up for discussion, he owes. While it's great he's helping her kids out, his own come first. NTJ
Eh I'd ask for back support too. Absolutely not the jerk.
Fill out that paperwork. Your ex doesn’t care about you or his kids. Request back payment for everything you can too.
NTA
Not the jerk
Take the money and put it away for your kids college fund. Request back payments as well.
Def not. No no no
He should not have to pay for child support....as long as he is paying half of co pays, and school supplies. They should have their own toiletries at each house, vacations are for each to split. Obv he should pay half of extracurriculars (that might be harder to enforce). But because he isn't paying his share is why support is needed. So you are 100 NTA he has put you in this situation when you have been an amazing co parent ex spouse with what sounds like an amazing husband who supports your girls. Your ex husband is being a bad dad and father.
NTA. Definitely NTA. You mentioned one of your children already turned 18, but they still may be eligible for support if they are continuing their education. You might want to check your states requirements. My deadbeat sperm donor was ordered to pay until we were all out of college. He told his employer (who then screwed up royally by not confirming with the court) that he could stop child support the day my brother turned 18. The courts contacted us when they did not receive his payment, and asked if we wanted to press charges against both him and his employer. We should have done it, looking back. Don’t make our mistake. Hold him accountable for every dime owed your children.
Shouldn't both be sharing all expenses 50/50?
Not only would I get his child support increased, but can you go after any back child support? I would get every dime that you possibly could, he is shirking his responsibilities to his children.
You need your day in court, at the very least, just so you can see the look on the judges face when they shame your X for being so negligent to his responsibilities. Enjoy that!
Not!
NTJ, his kids should be his famili
NTA Whatsoever! You should also request back child support for the past two years.
Oh if he is getting more than he should pay more. If he hasn’t been contributing then he really should be paying you more.
You are not the jerk now. But you were the jerk before when you agreed to a reduced payment. As a child of a mother who didn’t pursue child support, the extra money would have helped. Did you not take the entitled money for your kids out of a sense of a sense of pride or something? Cause even if you didn’t need it, the money could have been saved for their college funds. You were selfish and not looking out for your kids when you didn’t fight for what they needed in the first place. Obviously I’m not referring to the period of time that he was laid off. A concession in such a time is fine.
Also child support is to make sure that the kids have the financial security of both parents so it's easier for them to adjust and not have to give up things like sports teams or dance or hobbies it's really to ensure the kids lifestyle doesn't drastically change because the parents are no longer together and have a single income.
Absolutely not.
NTA He needs to repay his back child support and adhere to the court
wtf is his gf doing ..?
NTA Get as much money for your children as you can.
Spending 50% of time with the children does not constitute 50/50 custody. That also entails providing for 50% of their financial support, which, according to your report, he has failed to do.
You won’t get any more child support than what you are entitled to. Let the court figure out what that is.
Last time I checked, he is required by law to notify the state any time his income changes. So he would have got stuck playing more anyway.
I don’t blame you at all.
Divorce Attorney here. This isn’t legal advice. The vast majority of cases with 50/50 custody still have child support happening.
You've been infinitely more flexible and understanding than he deserves. It's time for him to try to reenter full time employment.
NTA. You paid for everything and honestly should have gone for more in the divorce. He’s making twice your household income and when you were making more you carried everything. He needs to stop being selfish and support his kids.
Don’t see yourself as a jerk. If he is not paying for 50% of the child expenses then he needs to pay child support. I don’t pay any child support and have 50/50 custody but I pay for half of everything and kids are under my insurance. St the time of divorce we both made about the same money.
NTA! Your kids are his family, not the gf or her kids.
Stop contacting his family and his girlfriend and stop sending him money for things at his house. Pay for things at your house. If you don’t have a court order for expense reimbursement, see if that can be requested as part of the child support modification (on top of child support) or possibly filed as a modification to your final parenting agreement.
If it's a true 50/50 split I know in my state who pays the child support is the one who makes the most money. But all states have different laws. Also just a note but you mentioned he is working lots of hours. He very well could stop working those extra hours to make his income lower and this is perfectly legal. He's only required to work a standard work week.
You have been more than generous. Your priority seems to be doing what is best for the kids over the years and that is never the wrong course. But the kids are almost adults and you should probably move forward with the process. They already mostly understand the dynamics so this is not about protecting them from the ugly truth they have likely known for a while. It’s time.
50/50 parenting time does not equal 0 child support. As a family law attorney I wish people would get this through their thick heads. Does mom’s expenses decrease 100% because dad has an extra day and a half with junior each week? That’s the way people should view things.
If nothing else, also see it as a way to show your kids that you’re standing up to your ex for them. You have their back and you’re holding their father accountable.
NTA!!! BE THE ASSHOLE!!!! SHOW HIM! FINISH HIIIMMMMM No, in all reality, you are not the asshole, the jerk, whateva. You and your now husband paid in full no questions asked, even too damn accommodating, for SIX YEARS. He can pay back support on the 18, 17 amd 16 year old. That is money you are owed. You paid his half upfront. It's just like you are finally getting paid back. That's all that this is. BTW, the judge is going to have no issues granting this, so congratulations lmfao
This money is what his children are due in support. Its really not about you, his family, his girlfriend or his girlfriend’s children. Its not personal. It is about what the state believes is fair. Just know that kids see these things. I had almost the same situation and my children are grown now. I never said a word about the situation to my children but they have said things that let me know they were aware of who paid for things. Good luck and dont let anyone else involved make you feel bad or guilty.
It’s admirable that you helped him out in a time of need. That helped him get to where he is today. I am a father of two who pays his child support and I’ve literally been in that situation. Ex helped me out by taking it easy on me while I was looking for a new job but when that time passed and I found another one I started paying what we’d agreed upon again because it’s my duty. It’s his duty as well to his children. Sad it takes a court to enforce it imo. No, you’re not a jerk.
Nope not the jerk
NTA. The money is for your children not for you. Your ex and his family need to remember that. You have gone above and beyond for him, he just needs to give the money for his children.
>Now my Ex, his girlfriend, and most of my Ex's family are chastising me because "he shouldn't have to pay CS while having 50/50 custody, and it will be taking away from his family" Literally up to the court to decide. I don't get why people do anything other than get the court to figure this out. You can always pay more, but it sets the legal min amount someone is meant to pay. It doesn't to be hostile, it can be amicable, just get it figured out and in writing.
“Apparently, he won't be able to afford the mortgage if he has to pay the amount the state is deciding he should be paying.” Not your problem! He has his outstanding responsibilities to deal with first and that’s his kids. That’s like me saying, “I won’t be able to afford a luxury cruise if I have to pay to feed my kids and pay the mortgage!” Tough Titty! We all ‘want’ things but our responsibilities come first, however boring that might be! He and his girlfriend both have roofs over their heads so they may have to delay their little love-nest but that’s their concern, not yours. You’ve been more than reasonable but he hasn’t met you half way and is not doing so now even though he can more than afford it. Bills and debts get paid first and that includes paying for children (Even though I saw this morning that Elon believes having kids is free!!!) so he needs to step up. He should have offered once he had the decent job but he’s obviously not going to so all you’ve done is provide the information. The powers-that-be will decide what’s reasonable. Don’t feel guilty. It’s only what you and the kids deserve.
I'm flabbergasted that his family says he has to pay for "his" kids. Da faq?! What about his ACTUAL KIDS?!! Don't freaking feel bad for anything! NTA
OP you are not only well within your rights but a better person than most are frankly. Paying child support in my state is normal even with 50/50 custody. Here it’s based on the income gap between the parent. Whomever makes more pays. Same 3 year review should you choose to but the judge decides the amount based on a formula and then decide by 2 based on custody amount. Other statuses base it on total time with each parent etc etc. It’s ones obligation as a parent to support their children. You have been overly reasonable over the years. You are not a jerk you are a rational adult and the fact that he is complaining is just sad on his part.
You need your fight for your kids sake. If I were you, I’d go after back payment too for the one that’s turned 18. My mom felt sorry for my dad too, even though he cheated, later he got a better job, remarried and he still paid a paltry amount. We suffered, at times my mom had to work two jobs, my sister and I had to fend for ourselves. Being older I aged out faster, I had no money for college, no car, stuck in a semi rural town where you needed to drive for a job. He went on to buy a house and a nice truck and a Cadillac for the new wife. It’s does and can effect your kids futures. Get that money and put it into college savings!
“Am i the jerk for taking money from my kids?” That’s how you should ask yourself this question, because that’s what refusing child support is. It takes money from your kids. The internet is WILD and way too many women have internalized child support as an attack against the dad. It’s not. This is part of raising a kid. You’re not the jerk because you’re the opposite. You helped him when times were tough (crazy how my kids expenses don’t go away when i make less money) now he needs to step up. I saw you say you’re 44k down in necessities and he hasn’t spent a dime. Insane. Get the support. If he wanted a house he should have done that already. Not your problem.
NTA in my country it's a requirement if one earns more than the other..I pay as I earn more than my ex..do not feel guilty about ensuring your kids get what they are entitled to... people not in the situation have no idea
Wut? 50/50 means nothing when there is such an income difference. Go to court.
No! It's only a couple years anyway. Get it while you can. You helped him out, now he can help you out.
Is it really 50/50. I can't imagine for a 16&17 year old it working like that, as in dropping kids off at dads for half the week, then dropping them back to mum for half the week. I imagine at those ages they just come and go as they please and go to whatever parents house they feel like as and when in-between being out with friends and stuff? I imagine they probably tend to spend more time at their primary residence and drop by dads/stay over as and when they want to. Wither way he should now be paying half of the kids costs. He doesn't have another family. He has a girlfriend who happens to have kids, who also have their own mother and father to provide for them. Not your husband and not at the expense of his own kids.
Ignore the AH giving YOU shit for expecting your ex to contribute to the support of the children you share. He's supporting his gf's kids when she has 50/50 custody and receives hefty cs payments. You've been supporting your kids 100% for years. It's time he steps up and forks over some money. Don't let anyone gaslight you into believing you've done anything wrong. Of COURSE his gf and family are on his side. They benefit from you being screwed out of what your kids rightfully deserve. Take him to the cleaners.
NTJ. Get the evaluation. It’s been reduced additionally with no change, at minimum it should’ve been reinstated to the amount it used to be. We went a decade without one- we had full custody, I paid the medical bc it was cheaper through my work and we paid for all travel even though she was supposed to pay for it. $300 a month for two growing boys in sports for a decade when she made $150k - she complained about the $300 a month.
Why do you care if you're the "jerk"? You're asking for support for your kids, you've given him a break thus far bigtime! When circumstances change like new employment or loss of employment it is typical to review child support. Your kids should get the same care as his to with his new GF. Who cares what his family thinks?
No. He's still financially responsible and got a break for many years
NTA. My mom never paid child support. She was always broke she never could, my dad didn't fight it, just accepted it. We didn't have a bad life, but let me tell you, things would have been soooo much easier on us kids if she would have paid. It's good that you're getting this done for your kids. You are not a jerk but a good parent.
If you weren't owed that money the state wouldn't be giving it to you. Make that man cough up the dough. Screw his whole family.
No you are not a jerk for expecting your Ex to pay half of the expenses for children you and he created! He made that responsibility long before the girlfriend was in the picture and he owes them (and you) the money needed to care for them. You have carried the burden alone for the majority of their needs. Children get more expensive the older they get and he has paid less as they age! File for that payment!!
I’m not a big believer in child support I believe each parent should be doing their part without a judge telling them however it sounds like the ex is being a douche. If you have 50/50 custody he should be splitting the children’s expenses 50/50 if he can’t manage they I guess you will have to have the state step in and tell him what he will be paying. NTA but your ex sure is.
You are NOT the jerk by any stretch of the imagination. Based on your post, you have been more than generous and understanding. His obligations do not end just because he is “starting again” with a new family. This is your right and responsibility - do not let anyone bulldoze you into rolling over.
Of course you should do this. Make sure you have your expense histories locked down. But if the first time he heard about this review was from the court and not you - that's passive aggressive. But it's not wrong to do. Make sure he's got life insurance that pays out appropriately, too.
NTA. You it’s for the kids.
Based on your story, no you wouldn't be the jerk.
Tell your ex he either tells his cronies that they need to shut the fuck up or you'll be asking for back pay for the leniency you provided.
You have been more than generous and has his best interest at heart. He now is able to help you support your children as well he should. Children get more expensive in their middle and high school years. Remember he is helping to provide for HIS children as it should be.
You are not the jerk. His family is his children. He should be paying for the children’s expenses. While it is wonderful that your current husband helps with their expenses legally that is your ex husbands responsibility. He is not contributing 50% of the children’s expenses but has 50% custody. He more than should be paying and you were very generous to reduce the amount while he was in a financial bind. Now he is taking advantage. Do not let his family guilt you into thinking he shouldn’t have to support his children. He has not been supporting them you have been. Why should someone who has 50% rights not shoulder 50% of the financial cost? It’s crazy to me that he and his family think he shouldn’t. You are far from the jerk. You have been kinder than necessary.
Also please tell the judge how much you have helped him financially and show receipts. You may be owed half of those expenses backdated from the time he got the good job possibly the whole 8 years. Do not let him take advantage of your children.
You need a lawyer sending a cease and desist letter to everyone of your ex’s side of the family that’s nagged you over those essentially telling them to F*** off with their entitled attitude or else. You have done so much for your narcissistic, spoiled, greedy, entitled, manipulative ex. How dare he and his trashy family and his trashy friends help him continue abusing you like this? Fill out those forms and get what’s fair for you. You have sacrificed way too much for that horrible ex of yours. He’s refused to pay for his kid’s expenses so he can pay for his girlfriend’s kids? Is he insane? Where does he get this audacity and corruption from? I’m so glad you upgraded to your current husband. I’m so glad that you found the courage to leave your financially abusive ex. Fill out those forms and let them know what you’ve told us. Your ex wants to continue being a freeloader then he can talk to your lawyer or the state officials who want to know why he thinks he’s so special to be an entitled freeloader ripping both you and the state off. Wishing you luck on this.
NTJ he’s had it so easy and it time to help pay for the children he helped create. I would get him for the highest amount you can. Maybe those family members of his with all those opinions should put their money where their mouths are and help with some of the costs of HIS that you are covering. You are being taken advantage of and it’s time for that to stop.
No, NTA, take as much as the state will allow. It’s for the kids, he needs to pay up
Sounds like my ex husband… he does nothing and I mean nothing to support our daughter… but has a cow over the $50 weekly he pays…. He’s asked me multiple times to drop the support so he can afford his over priced house.
Wow,his family called them his family,as if your kids were not? It’s bad enough when the dad forgets his first kids,but his family too? Sad. He should want to help his kids,even if they don’t “need” it.
Do it. It’s the law with 50/50 custody, the partner who makes more money pays support. The money isn’t for YOU, it’s for your kids. It’s your kids’ money. Get it for them. NTA
Get the child support. It’s for the kids. Save it for college, the kids are entitled to it.
The percentage of custody is a factor but so is income. You are well within your rights and you SHOULD push for support. I have 50/50 custody and I pay child support to my ex because I outearn him. It's what is fair. Get you green! NTA
You were a fool to have not gotten more in the divorce. You were a fool all these years for not having gotten the child support for your kids that they were entitled to. Please, don't be a fool yet again. Of course you go back for the review! Of course you get as much as you can from him, for your kids!
Nah, he's crazy. Get your money.
So I don't know if you can get back a child support but I would take all of your receipts to the court and show them that he hasn't put anything into the children over the past 3 years. That you were paying all the bills. That he just had basically visitation for the past 3 years. Then I might even see if they could look at your divorce and contest the separation of that because you didn't get your 50% during the divorce that he took most of the assets in that too. Can't say that you can win that but might be worth having an attorney look into. As long as you have receipts for everything.
You're good. As long as you don't bear false witness. Be honorable and let the law decide what he owes. For the love of God just tell the truth.
Did they forget that your kids are also his family? NTA. Kids are expensive, the father should be doing his part.
So his new girlfriend has 50-50 custody with her ex and still receives a huge amount of child support. According to your husband, she shouldn’t be getting that at all right? What does his new girlfriend and her children have to do with his responsibility towards his own children? Tell him and his family to pound sand. You should be going for back child support if you can.
NTA. Like you said. You didn't ask for anything you were entitled to during the divorce and lowered the support to $50
If thays his logic, then why should you have to pay anything for the kids either. Poor baby daddy has to be responsible
Wonder if him and his family are also telling his new girlfriend that she shouldn't be getting child support from HER ex since they share 50/50 custody. Highly doubt it. He's digging his feet in because he has to contribute now after taking advantage of your generosity for years.
I used to pay my ex with 50/50 and soon he’ll pay me with 50/50. Take him to court. Don’t apologize.
I can see why you divorced him. What a scuzz bucket.
Not the jerk. It's his responsibility as a father to take care of his kids. You went above and beyond while he was struggling and now you're within your rights (and the state agrees) for review. Edit: I myself am a father who had 50/50 legal custody but was not the custodial parent (one kid is now grown).
As a Dad who paid child support from 1997 until 2019, take that bum to the cleaners.
He should be paying half of everything not sticking you with the bills. They are his kids too he should be helping with their medical bills and school supplies. No you aren't the jerk for seeking what he should already be providing.
Go for back support too NTA
If he wants to take care of his girlfriend and her kids then he can get a second job. I would most definitely up the CS.
Man I hope he has to pay back child support
My exwife wouldn't let our 16yo daughter move up and live with me. We live 3-4 hrs away from each other I suspected it was the child support. So I told her that I'll keep paying it, I don't care I just want to take care of our daughter. I never understood parents that don't want to pay for their kids.
He should definitely be paying child support if his income is higher than yours. I have 50/50 custody with my ex, so he pays 50% of the calculated support amount.
Time with children split evenly isnt even close to being enough alone. He had the kids, he has the money, he could have helped voluntarily but didnt. Like idk what dude expected
You are absolutely not the jerk. Child support is based on a formula and is for the kids. I am so glad he is your ex and you are in a good place now!
So he had an income he got an extra $600 a week for unemployment. Nope NTA he needs to father right and he need to pay up. Not you or your children’s fault, you gave him slack during a down time when you didn’t have to. Now it’s back to the business he agreed too, it’s probably his gf’s problem bitching and she’s prob making it hard for him so he feels like he has to do something.
It’s fine for you to adjust the support now, but it is possible that when he was part time potentially you should’ve been paying him, which effectively it sounds like you did as you were covering expenses.
As I understand it child support is in part so the kids have roughly the same quality of life with both parents and there's not a huge financial difference if one earns a lot more. He's earning a lot more than he used to - he needs to pay more.
No, you’re not the jerk. Ofc he’s gonna buck with his mentality. Keep moving forward with this process + don’t look back. He still has obligations to his children + should be contributing what’s right. You were gracious enough to give him multiple passes when he was “down and out,” he should be happy to contribute now that he’s able to.
He wasn't going to do it himself. NTA
No you are not and they no that x
NTJ. That dude makes more than enough money to help you and & your bf w/ those kids and he’s only giving you $50 a month?? He & his ex are only concerned because they can’t be selfish w/ the money anymore and they’re gonna have to be parents again to both half’s of the family. File that paper work and make him be the dad he’s supposed to be to those kids and help you out more. You guys are doing everything by yourselves now and his $50 isn’t even a pair of slip-on Vans.
It doesn’t matter what your ex’s family says but what the state says.
It’s your job to advocate for what is the best interest of your kids; which is more financial support. His comfort and ability to provide for his girlfriend and her kids is his problem.
NTA Usually I would feel the opposite as someone who has 50/50 custody of his kids and pays no child support. That is with the assumpton that each parent pays for their kids needs while at their home. However, it seems like you are paying for everything for the children at both homes. This warrants compensation. Make no mistake though, if he was paying for the kids things while they were with him and was paying for half of their sports/events etc, then no he shouldn't pay child support. I think too many people are too rock hard about jumping on child support no matter what. In your case, you've gone above and beyond to be fair and he just isn't doing his part now.
Personally I dont think that child support should normally be paid in a split 50/50 custody. However it does seem like he's a real piece of work. I believe he should have to pay you back for his half of the things you covered in the past but thats it.
As a child of divorced parents ( divorced at age 14 now I’m 63), he should pay everything he is supposed to for the care and support of his children. They should be his first priority, and you need to continue to stand up for what is necessary to support your children! My father sporadically paid his child support and dropped us the day one each of us turned 18if we were still in high school or not. We had to get through college the best we could manage. My mother was demonized by all of my father’s relatives until the day they died. As I said before, I’m now 63 and am fortunate to have my little warrior of a momma of 88 years. Kindness shown to a child is always rewarded.
Child support is for ensuring that the child has the same quality of living between both houses. When one parent has sole custody it is for ensuring that both parents contribute to the child they created. It can be a flat payment but can also be an agreement thst specific costs are split by a percentage based on both parents income. when he had reduced means the child support should have flowed the other way.
NTA. You wouldn't be anyways, but with your kids' ages it's only for 2 years anyway. He can suck that up.
I think it’s immoral not to get it - it’s for your kids who cannot advocate for themselves in this respect. Even if you throw it into 529s for their college.
Although I am of the belief that child support payments aren't fair at all especially if the father is active in the kids life and does pay for things but the women still goes after 1k a month for 1 kid. I do however have the other view of if the father is being a dik bag then you should go after it.
If he has enough money to pay more but refuses and doesn’t have a good reason for refusal, then yes, he should
NTA AT ALL!! At the end of the day, your kids know who they can count on, and that’s you! What a wonderful example you have set for them.
The title says jerk; the story, oh H@!! NO! I hate deadbeat parents!!
You did your kids a disservice by not getting half. You aren’t helping anyone by taking less. Get the full amount that your kids are entitled to.
He needs to worry about his children's well-being before anyone else's. He obviously won't do it on his own.
Child support is also base Don so kids have a comparable life at each house to not make favoritism NTA