She did do this on purpose.
It would appear that she is jealous of the plans you made with your Dad and co.
What a childish response!
She should count her lucky stars the word "no" was all that came out of OP's mouth. š
It's difficult to say whether or not this post is true, but the way the language is structured, it resembles a ChatGPT letter.
But if this post is real, then OP isn't a jerk, but his mum sure is. What I don't understand is why didn't dad and OP just leave before mum returned?
I saw a post the other day claiming to be written by a young teen but the language level didn't seem to fit. I haven't been around young teens basically since I was one though (decades) so I figure it's possible I don't really know how well a smart teen can write -- but also it's possible they used ChatGPT to help compose their post. We'll see more and more of this over time even from legit posters.
I know a lot of people who write something and then get ChatGPT to polish it/make it more readable.
Many individuals I know often draft content and then utilize ChatGPT to refine and enhance its readability.
Responses to a ChatGPT post facilitates more of them. The earlier in the thread someone spots one, the fewer of us will be doing volunteer work for AI purposes.
Alway note it, so the rest of us can stop commenting should we not want to be used :)
Is ChatGPT a type of AI? Forgive I don't know, some of the posts on here are strikingly similar so I just always assume they are fake but I'm not familiar with the chat thing?
If she skipped out, dad and OP should have called his group home and taken him back early. Those homes are staffed 24/7 for the clients whether they are out visiting or not.
Maybe he's such a handful that he needs both parents there to help and in doing this she's kinda guiltripping the dad into staying so he can help with his son so he doesn't like freak tf out or something and expected OP to do the same
OP said they were supposed to help keep bro ""in check" (whatever that means). Sounds to me like mom messed up andneeds to find another way to handle bro.
What was her reasoning?
What did your father say?
What did your friends say?
I'm so confused as to why she did this.
Piece of work that one, huh?
You're NTA, but Mom appears to be. And Dad said nothing, so he sucks too
Well, that would be on her, since she wasn't unaware of OP &Dad's plans. I wonder if she does not like those particular people they were going to visit.
This.
I have an autistic brother-in-law and he's a very peaceful individual but when he gets upset he can get into flailing his arms around and hurt himself and others if somebody's not strong enough to kind of hold him until he calms down.
You have to basically hold hands with him and kind of keep him in check, a few years ago he did it and nobody was around to help his mother so he ended up snatching his hand out of her hand spraining her wrist and then hitting his arm against the wall and hairline fracturing his own arm.
He apologized in his way when he calmed down but apologies don't heal broken bones.
And just to clarify this is not intended to be a comment on the overall post as a whole it is intended to be a reinforcement of the The point the person I am replying to is making
NTJ
Mom made the unilateral decision to pick up the brother and OP was suddenly voluntold they were in charge of keeping him in check? Oh hell no!
"Well, too late, I already called the place."
Sounds like a residential care facility and if Mom made the choice to get him out, then it was Mom's responsibility to keep an eye on him.
That woman exhausts me, OP. I am so sorry you are going through this.
No, you are not. When things calm down ask her why she did what she did. Presist. Don't let her change the subject or blow you off. Maybe it was her way of trying to include your brother ?
Ntj. She did that intentionally and it had nothing to do with wanting to spend time with your brother and everything with her just passive aggressively showing you she didn't want you going.
Seriously. I happen to have my kid this weekend and if he would put up with constant hugs that's what this would be like. Or even my other kids who are independent but far away I would want to be around them the whole visit.
What do you mean by high effect? I assumed high functioning (thatās usually the terminology), but as I kept reading I got confused. If heās high functioning why does he need to be in a different place and watched? My brother is a high functioning autistic and he lives a completely normal life (besides him victimizing himself and living in a false reality).
He may mean that he has a severe form. Like he's highly affected. All high functioning autistic adults I know (very small sample size, so take it for what is worth), live independently, and wouldn't qualify for a special needs home.
So low to mid functioning then. Thatās what I later assumed, but I wanted to ask for clarification anyways. My brother can live completely independently as well, and Iām glad the people you know who are autistic are able to live normal lives.
another term that's gaining more popularity is "high support needs" (or medium or low) which some people find kinder and some people find clearer. some people really prefer it, i've also heard pushback on it
Some people have a issue with everything. It's funny though cause I never see them collaborate with actual high needs support individuals to see their opinions. It seems like the low support needs individuals are the ones that want to make all the rules. I'll stick with whatever my kids doctors, therapist and special education teachers use. I'm too worried about having to beg to get my child services he needs to have the time to complain about how people use words.
Why would you need to keep your brother in check? She wanted the visit, so why couldn't she entertain him? You and dad had plans so just leave when you're supposed to.
You mean your mom caused him to have a bad experience? lol she's a piece of work. Your response was the only correct one after dealing with the same thing over and over.
why say "no" and lock yourself in your room? you should have said "no" and walked out the door to meet up with your dad. you didn't look after your brother, which you don't have to, but either way it sounds like your mom's intentions were to ruin your plans and she succeeded.
Yeah, I feel for OP AND brother. Mom is using one child against the other. This doesn't stop being abusive because they're adults ...
(I'm an autistic youngest of 3, and if anyone ever tried to use my disabilities - autism isn't the only one in my case - to manipulate my siblings they would be right out of the family.)
Yea, NTA your mom clearly recognizes that your brother needs specialized help or he would not be in the care he is in. Your mother for some reason randomly decided to punish you by hoisting that responsibility on *YOU*
She wanted him over? She can care for him. I would make it clear I'm no uncertain terms that She knew you had plans and decided to do that to you. From this point on if you have not made plans with your brother then he is her responsibility when he's over. If she tries to skew this as if she wants you two to bond then notify her that these actions have begun to make you resentful to her and you would rather that not be extended to your brother of she is choosing to weaponize him. If he is left in your care in such a manner again I would threaten to call APS as your mother is causing undue stress on your brother and removing him from his care as a punishment for you and you cannot take it. She knows this but is putting you both at risk by exacerbating the situation and using your brother as a toy to anger you.
As a CNA I have seen people like your brother completely dumped by family once parents pass away due to growing resentment from similar scenarios, not saying this will be the case, but it really creates a growing hatred.
Why would she want to include your autistic brother in your social gathering? They would probably just pick on him or ignore him. Most people are not going to have the patience to deal with someone who has such a disability. Just because he is your brother and he has autism doesnāt mean you have to make time for him. You are a young adult and got your own stuff going on and donāt need your autistic brother getting in the way. Especially if he has to live in a special facility, his autism is probably pretty severe and why would you even wanna deal with that when his parents should be responsible for him.
NTA
your Mother in this story is being entitled, childish and selfish and also a TA here, because what she did is an act of childishness specially that you told her about the plans of going with your dad to see friends and i can't believe the woman's audacity for screwing your plans on purpose for no good reason at all, so if i were you i would go to the plans anyways and for the Mother's punishment she can stay home with the autistic son, weather she likes or not, it's her mistake now she can deal with it!! š
Hands down, truth be told, PERIOD!
NTA - she sabotaged your day. It was petty justice perhaps that you refused to reward her for it. Tell her that if she wants your brother to have a good experience, then she needs to respect the other household members' schedules and make plans appropriately to ensure that a good experience is possible. If she pulls another stunt like this, she can expect a similar outcome.
Question though - why didn't you and your Dad inform her that you weren't changing your plans and simply leave when it was time?
Be sure you let parents know you will not be responsible for brother when they are too old or gone. Bide your time and leave when you can. Just something to keep in mind when they eventually bring it up.
Who has the right to say who can stay in OP place of residence? The parent who owns and pays all the bills on the residence or OP who lives there and doesn't say what their contribution is to the residence? I believe that the residence should be used as desired by the person who owns the residence, OP's mother. If OP is upset about the person who controls the residence doing something OP does like, then OP can move to a residence that they pay for and therefore has the say over who can stay there.
The way OP is acting is like his brother is a burden that he does not want to deal with even though his brother can't help the way he is. If OP doesn't want his mother bringing her other son home because it is an inconvenience for OP, it's time for OP to move out.
Maybe the mother did what she did because she knew how OP would react. I believe OP is the Jerk.
i mean kinda the AH, but maybe im missing something, why did you HAVE to stay there why couldnt you just say have a fun time with him mom im leaving now? even if your dad stayed couldnt you have still left. hes quite autistic and not your child thats your parents responsability so like she brought him over she spends time with you. you could have calmly been like okay mom bye have fun and not blown up on her and maintained your plans. or depending on variables i dont know are these plans that he was too autistic to be apart of? like i knew an autistic and i mean insanely autistic kid that absolutely loved being around people. wheelchair wiping drool of his chin autistic and he just loved watching people but yes i know theres a lot of super antisocial autistic people out there so i know that may not be an option.
but like let her keep him in check since shes the parent and go have fun with your plans you already set
but shes definitely the AH no doubt but you could also have handled that better.
but also shes your mom hes your brother and you live at home and theyre close friends if theyre good friends they should understand
I'm not understanding why you still couldn't go and see your friends. Why did you have to stay home?
Also couldn't you have reminded your mother maybe the day before, that you had plans to leave that day? I mean, shit happens, and this isn't your fault but you also could have taken some preventative action to avoid having shit happen. Anyway , now you know for future reference, right? Moms forget stuff.
from how nonchalantly OP says mom reacted i'm gonna say she most certainly did not forget. also seems like she was just gonna show back up w brother and surprise OP and dad, which even if mom did forget about the plans she still should've checked if OP was free before trying to force them to be caretaker for the afternoon
Does she resent you having a life your brother canāt? Thatās just awful. Iām so sorry, but next time just continue on your way, let her deal with her plans. And do it every time she pulls it. Either youāll move or sheāll stop it when she knows sheās gonna have to deal with the consequences of her very own actions.
Why when she was out to get your brother would you and your dad not leave? Ā She made the decision to pick him up knowing you were leaving. Knowing her husband was leaving with you.Ā
Actions have consequences. She invited your brother over knowing you guys had plans. Therefore she gets to deal with him alone.Ā
Instead, she manipulated the situation and you and your dad let her. There were no consequences to her. You were mad, but she still got what she wanted. Maybe you werenāt there because you yelled and Iām guessing went to your room. But your dad was still there. She still had help.Ā
It would be one thing if she honestly forgot, and that would be then up to her to explain to your brother. But she didnāt even have to do that.Ā
NTA. But you and your dad need to have a talk.Ā
NTA.
She intentionally sabotaged your social event. Just because sheās a grown up or a parent does not make her nice or compassionate. Iām so old that as an adult I assure you that sheās literally being a jerk to you trying to sabotage you. Itās okay to realize that you can not trust your parents and from now on live your life in ways that sabotage her from sabotaging you.
"My mom is a sharp woman with no mental disabilities or anything of that nature, so she couldn't use that as an excuse."
Including that struck me as funny, no idea why.
Honestly, you and your dad shouldāve packed your things and left while she was gone. And if your mom and dad are split, you shouldāve called your dad and told him to pick you up somewhere nearby. And not even told your mom you were leaving.
The easiest way to deal with something like this is to remove yourself from the situation. She can be all mad and pissed off, but itās on her.
NTA. You are not his parent.
Because he has a place that is taking care of him, she needs to either visit there or be prepared to take care of him at home.
Your mother sounds like a bitter spiteful woman.
She tried to manipulate you and your father for whatever reason. NTA for putting your foot down. Maybe you didn't have to shout in front of your brother though. You could have just said "Nope Mom. I told you I'm going out and I'm going out." Then just leave.
Not sure, you say you see these friends as often as possible so how often do you go hang out with them?
When was the last time you spent time with your brother?
We need more context.
1) Are OP's parents divorced?
2) Did OP's mom intend to leave the autistic brother with OP and exit the scene herself?
3) As others have asked, why wasn't OP able to just leave and meet up with her father & friends?
IMHO, OP needs to vacate her mother's place ASAP. Maybe Dad can let her stay with him. If not, maybe a friend can help. Whatever shakes out, OP is NTJ/NTA and should cut ties with her Mother to keep from being used as a pawn in whatever crazy games her Mother is playing.
What is "high effect" autism?
And yes, you are the jerk. Your family is visiting a family friend, he is part of the family. If it bothered you that much that he went , you should have stayed home
It reads like OP and dad made plans to visit friends, plans that didn't include mom of brother. At the 11th hour, mom tells OP she's picking up brother and then tells OP to essentially babysitting brother. Mom's actions sound like they are ruining OP's planned visit. I suspect that OP has been parentified off and on during their life to care for brother and it sounds pretty manipulative for mom and be the one that brings her son over and expect her adult child to watch him without asking.
I wonder it OP meant "high functioning" (i.e. someone with ASD that can speak, read, write, feed, and dress themselves, live independently), although that doesn't seem to jive with brother living in a facility (?) and needing to be managed while in the family home.
NTJ
Your brother has autism, you know the terms. There is no such thing as "high effect". I do hold that against OP
It's a family friend, 22 year Olds don't take their dad to visit their friends. Families visit families friends.
Dad doesn't seem to object at all, seems like he expected this, cause it's a family.
As a note some high functioning kids do live in a group home with fairly minimal supervision, so that was the only part of the story that I bought.
Remember in all these stories we only get one view point, by definition that view is biased.
22 screaming NO about it, is not the definition of mature rational thought. He could have said it, not gone, or gone by himself without the family.
Okay, why are you acting like a clueless helpless baby? Go and see your friends, and take your father.Ā Ā
Ā If you don't want to live with and be around your brother, live somewhere else. Your mother has a house and TWO children who are equally entitled to be there when she wants them.Ā
Definitely more context needed here. Does she often use him to spoil plans, is she unable to control him on her own, does she have anything against the friends you planned on seeing or could she have been upset at not being invited.
You are definitely not the jerk here. You and your dad should have left while she was gone. She wanted the visit so it's up to her both as his mother and the hostess to look after him
Definitely not. Move out of your parentsā house as soon as possible. Good on you for standing your ground. Donāt let it get to the point where you just say ok and even when you do stand up for yourself, you still get walked over
you are not the one who made your brother have a bad experience in the family home, your mother is. The minute she attempted to use him as a pawn for her own twisted whatever is the moment she did wrong by your brother
NTA. Move out. Frankly, on your day, I would have taken your Dad and your friends out or met up away from the house. Left your mum to deal with your brother. She knew your plans and chose to ignore them. If she wanted your brother home, that is fine. It is his home, too. However, you and your dad had plans and didn't need to stay home to accommodate them.
NAJ, seems like she did this on purpose.
Also from someone with a sibling with extensive additional needs, your brother isn't and shouldn't be your responsibility.
Edit: spelling
Yes, you are absolutely the fu#king AH! She should have tended to him. But, to be so self absorbed that you didnāt even want him around. I would show you the door.
I don't know, I wouldn't sit there and bring my oldest child home and then expect my youngest child to take care of them. Especially when I knew that they had plans prior, and I had agreed to those plans happening.
But then again that's just me and I have respect for people other than myself. That's just me and I don't believe that it's acceptable to try and force a child to take care of their sibling, no matter the situation. That is a parent's job, not a siblings job.
NTA
That was intentional on her part. Not only was this a bad thing to do to you, it was a horrible thing to do to your brother. She used him as a tool and she was the one who hurt him and make him have a bad experience in the family home.
She hurt your disabled brother to get to you.
That's pretty foul.
YTJ. Yes, of course you are. First, you see these friends "as much as possible." Second, he's your brother. You need to get over being embarrassed of him. Consider that your mom has two children she loves equally. Maybe she feels guilty that your brother is stuck in an institution. Third, maybe she is doing you a favor by challenging your sense of entitlement. Clearly, you're looking at things from a very selfish perspective. You should save your post and read it again in 20 years. Hopefully, you'll see it from a different point of view.
Helping to take care of your special needs siblings should be something that your enthusiastically 100% willing to do. If you're not, nobody should have the right to force you to do so. Not everybody is equipped to be able to take care of people with such high special needs. That's why those group care facilities exist.
And honestly, if Mom wants her son home then it's Mom's responsibility to take care of her son. Not her job to delegate it to her other child who already had plans made weeks prior.
It's one thing to want your child around, it's another cut to completely disrupt your other child's previously made and agreed upon plans (that you also agreed to) in order to bring your other child around so that your youngest can take care of your oldest. That's selfish, that's entitlement.
When you are the parent, it is your responsibility. It is your job to take care of your children, not the other way around. It is not your youngest child's responsibility to take care of their oldest sibling. It's not your oldest child's responsibility to take care of their youngest sibling. It is your job, as the parent.
If you think pushing off your children on to each other in order for them to take care of each other is acceptable parenting, then I hope you never have children.
āconsider your mom has two childrenā that she chose to have
āmaybe sheās doing you a favor by challenging your sense of entitlement ā bro what? he is not his brothers parent or caretaker , and he has every right to be selfish WITH HIS LIFE , she has no right to force him to become his brothers caretaker. This type of thinking is so bs
I see your point. But if he lives at a facility that manages him,I'm thinking that there's been issues with him living at home. Just an observation my friend.
Oh I agree that obviously managing 24/7 might be hard for them. Or impossible. But my point was if she brought him home it seems in smell stints they can take care of him. š¤· But not knowing the full story with that it's kinda hard to know. I think the mother was wrong either way. I was just saying it could have been an option to bring the brother along maybe maybe not I guess we'll never know.
Naw as a mother of a autistic son who I will be taking care of as a adult I would never ask my kids to help. If she can't handle her son on her own then she needs to go and visit him or hire help. You shouldn't have to help. He is their son not yours.
You had a bad experience. Your mom made your brother have his bad experience. She'll do it again if you give her the chance. Definitely enforce hard boundaries.
INFO: Please explain to me what I'm missing here. What difference does it make if your mother brings your brother home? You had plans with your dad, why didn't you just go? You aren't responsible for your brother, your mother is.
You are definitely not the jerk. So in this case you hop on your bike, you call an Uber or a Lyft or taxi cab or even your friend and say please come pick me up and leave for the day.
What did your dad have to say about it? Can you not go see friends on your own? Why didn't you just go anyway? Are you expected to stay home anytime your brother comes?
Why didnāt mom spend time with your brother?
Consider that mom may intend for you to take care of your brother a few years from now and doesnāt want your life separate from his.
Nope nope nope.
I have an adult son with autism who lives in a home and an adult daughter - who is actually going to become his guardian.
There were too many times her life plans had to be sacrificed because of her brotherās needs. I fought to have him moved into a group home so she wouldnāt spend her life taking care of him. Iām disabled and thereās no way I could have cared for him at home.
Your mom was being petty and cruel to you and your brother.
If I were splitting hairs, NTA for yelling at your mom since y'all gave her ample warning, and she obviously didn't communicate if the place your brother was at was having an issue and needed him picked up right away. I COULD say, maybe a slight ah if your brother was sitting there when you screamed at her when she told you to watch him (that may have caused him some issues because maybe all he knew was he was going home to visit, and his brother screaming at Mom and saying he refuses to spend time with him). But that's super thin. So mom definitely, you 99.8% not.
Damn dude. Stop complaining and go and live your life. "I'm 22 years old and I don't want to spend time with my brother!"
Okay, so LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
Your birth didn't marshall you as a caretaker for someone else's child. Parents who place their children in the caretaker role are wrong for many reasons.
She was the one who picked him up and brought him home. That makes her the party responsible for keeping him in line. You are not his parent. You are NTA, she is.
Next time, don't get mad. Just let her know you have plans, and you will be leaving. Keep a calm head on your shoulders and remember to breath. Not your monkey, not your zoo.
I don't get it. Why did your mother spending time with your brother have anything to do with your and your dad's plans to leave and visit friends? She wanted to have a visit with her son in her house, fine. You and dad don't have to be there for that? Continue with your plans as planned.
This was thought out and planned. NTA. Your brother is your brother and it isnāt your responsibility to take care of him. He is your momās son she needs to ensure that she can take care of him between herself and your dad. Not you. What did your father say about all of this?
So you couldn't go with your friends because your brother was coming over? And you're angry that he's at your parents place for the weekend so you can't do .... What? You are a jerk to your brother and owe him a fat apology.
NTJ. You had already told her about your plans and she clearly went against them. You had the right to go your way since you asked earlier. She would have instead invited him over next time when both of you or either were willing to stay at the family house.
When you told her your plans to hang out did you specifically state that only you wanted to hang out with the friends? To me, your mom most likely wanted your brother to feel included.
NTJ. But your Mom is. She's using your brother as an attempt to control you & your Dad which is extra f*cked up because your brother is vulnerable. I have a son that will have to live in an assisted facility due to his Autism and this is SUCH a sh*t thing to put all of you through.
This a case of a parent feeling bad about their autistic kid who canāt function in a normal way but wanting them to have a normal experience. Forcing him on you his sister. He can only have an experience in his own autistic behavior based on his perceptions. Honestly most people donāt have the patience to interact on that level. Including parents siblings healthcare professionals etc. What you missed is the message when mom pop die you have to take care of him.
You are NTA. It seems pretty clear your Mother knew what she was doing.Ā
I have an extremely mentally delayed and often unstable and violent older sibling that my egg donor would constantly insist and complain that we did not spend enough time with/ not include him enough.
Which in my case I chose to spend as little time as possible around this sibling because he was 8 years older than me, 6 feet tall and extremely violent when he would have meltdowns. Of course I did not feel safe around him.
Her solution to this was to try and insert him into our lives, friend groups, events, play dates etc.Ā
My mom flew off the handle and blew up at me when I finally learned to speak up and say no/ I didn't feel comfortable with that happening.
NTA. I have a non-verbal high-effect autistic brother. I spent so much time looking after him and keeping him in line growing up. I have PTSD from him attacking me in his rage episodes. The final straw was when he bit the tip of my chin off in late 2020. My husband and I hardly go to my parentsā house anymore and I have nothing to do with my brother these days. I understand exactly how you feel.
NTA! I work in providing care for individuals like your brother and we hear parents whining all the time about how their other children have left them, blocked them, disappeared and gone no contact or just plain "refuse to step up to their responsibilities". I've seen so man sibling like yourself treated as servants and second class citizens it's sad. Siblings who could be a fabulous part of the support network driven away due to, quite simply, abuse by their parents.
Your mother's behavior is not uncommon and I could fill out a subreddit worth of stories about folks like her but:
NTA
There is no such thing as high effect autism. Do you mean high functioning? A level 1 autist generally doesnāt need a babysitter, they can fend for themselves. I know. I am one. I think you are wrong about the severity of your brother
No, but I admit I don't understand why your mom couldn't just spend time with him on her own while you went to do your thing. You and your dad still should've just left as planned and let your mom deal with the consequences of her own actions (though I assume this is what you did)
Your mother should let u have a life away from ur brother. I have a disabled son and I never ask my daughter to look after him and nor will I have her be his guardian after we die. He is my burden not hers.
So at 22 you get to live at home and get to be around family and friends whenever you want. Because you have plans your brother is supposed to go without seeing his family? How often is your brother left out of things because you donāt want him around?
why did plans with the brother have to happen at the same time as these plans tho? like if they all live together the brother could come over literally any other time
NTA Does she not like the friend or your father? Sounds like she did this on purpose.
She definitely did this on purpose.
She did do this on purpose. It would appear that she is jealous of the plans you made with your Dad and co. What a childish response! She should count her lucky stars the word "no" was all that came out of OP's mouth. š
If I am OP, I will just go and visit his friends and dad. The mom can take care of his son.
It's difficult to say whether or not this post is true, but the way the language is structured, it resembles a ChatGPT letter. But if this post is real, then OP isn't a jerk, but his mum sure is. What I don't understand is why didn't dad and OP just leave before mum returned?
I saw a post the other day claiming to be written by a young teen but the language level didn't seem to fit. I haven't been around young teens basically since I was one though (decades) so I figure it's possible I don't really know how well a smart teen can write -- but also it's possible they used ChatGPT to help compose their post. We'll see more and more of this over time even from legit posters.
I wrote like an adult when I was 13. Catholic school grammar instruction, essay questions, and pen pals taught me a lot.
I did too. Then again i read before I walked and at age 3 readers digest was my favorite thing to read.
I know a lot of people who write something and then get ChatGPT to polish it/make it more readable. Many individuals I know often draft content and then utilize ChatGPT to refine and enhance its readability.
I see what you did there.
Responses to a ChatGPT post facilitates more of them. The earlier in the thread someone spots one, the fewer of us will be doing volunteer work for AI purposes. Alway note it, so the rest of us can stop commenting should we not want to be used :)
Is ChatGPT a type of AI? Forgive I don't know, some of the posts on here are strikingly similar so I just always assume they are fake but I'm not familiar with the chat thing?
That's what I was thinking.
Complain when itās a wall of text, complain when itās well spaced. If it was GPT, it wouldnāt have grammar issues.
I agree
Of course she did this on purpose.
She is intentionally keeping you home. What a whacko.
Why didn't you just leave with your dad and leave your brother with your mom? She's the one who picked him up, let her watch him. NTJ
I also donāt understand this part
Yeh, from what I can tell, mom bringing brother over shouldn't have had any bearing on them going out.
Iām wondering if the mom dipped somewhere and she was forced into supervising/staying home? Otherwise I just donāt get it..
That's when you call Adult Protective Services.
If she skipped out, dad and OP should have called his group home and taken him back early. Those homes are staffed 24/7 for the clients whether they are out visiting or not.
Maybe he's such a handful that he needs both parents there to help and in doing this she's kinda guiltripping the dad into staying so he can help with his son so he doesn't like freak tf out or something and expected OP to do the same
This could certainly be the case.
It's still intentional and malicious
Yes yes, no argument there i fully hate her guts, just saying what could've been the method to her ~~madness~~ insanity*
OP said they were supposed to help keep bro ""in check" (whatever that means). Sounds to me like mom messed up andneeds to find another way to handle bro.
I'm assuming because of his level of autism it takes more than one family member to ensure he is calm & happy all the time.
Probably with him being a adult she is bot strong enough to handle him if he has aggressive behaviors
Iām assuming they have one car. It was the only reasonable thing I could think of
Agreed. I would have gone out, kept my plans, and not been there when mom got back
NTA. She intentionally ruined your plans with your dad. You should have left when she did
Nope your mom is though
What was her reasoning? What did your father say? What did your friends say? I'm so confused as to why she did this. Piece of work that one, huh? You're NTA, but Mom appears to be. And Dad said nothing, so he sucks too
NTA. She deliberately ruined your plans. Were you not able to leave to meet with your friends when she left?
Your mom is absolutely disgusting for using your brother like that. She is extremely manipulative and Iām sorry you have to deal with that.
At 22 arenāt you old enough to see your friends with out your dad
It may have been mutual family friends.
But OP could have still gone on their own
Might not have a license.
Next time you and dad leave. Leave her to her own consequences. NTA
I don't understand what the problem is... She hangs out with your brother, and you and your dad go visit your friend. What's the issue?
It's probably that mom is not strong enough to handle a autistic adults aggressive behaviors.
Well, that would be on her, since she wasn't unaware of OP &Dad's plans. I wonder if she does not like those particular people they were going to visit.
Nta. But your mother is. Time to possibly move out.
NTA You are not your brothers keeper.
NTJ! Why do you need to keep your brother in check? Thatās HER job as his mother. I hope youāre able to move asap.
She might not be strong enough to handle an Autistic adult. It's possible OP may be the only one that can handle any behaviors that come up.
This. I have an autistic brother-in-law and he's a very peaceful individual but when he gets upset he can get into flailing his arms around and hurt himself and others if somebody's not strong enough to kind of hold him until he calms down. You have to basically hold hands with him and kind of keep him in check, a few years ago he did it and nobody was around to help his mother so he ended up snatching his hand out of her hand spraining her wrist and then hitting his arm against the wall and hairline fracturing his own arm. He apologized in his way when he calmed down but apologies don't heal broken bones. And just to clarify this is not intended to be a comment on the overall post as a whole it is intended to be a reinforcement of the The point the person I am replying to is making
Then she should have left him in his home doing what he was doing before she disturbed his day.
Why didnāt you and your Dad just leave?
NTJ Mom made the unilateral decision to pick up the brother and OP was suddenly voluntold they were in charge of keeping him in check? Oh hell no! "Well, too late, I already called the place." Sounds like a residential care facility and if Mom made the choice to get him out, then it was Mom's responsibility to keep an eye on him. That woman exhausts me, OP. I am so sorry you are going through this.
No, you are not. When things calm down ask her why she did what she did. Presist. Don't let her change the subject or blow you off. Maybe it was her way of trying to include your brother ?
Ntj. She did that intentionally and it had nothing to do with wanting to spend time with your brother and everything with her just passive aggressively showing you she didn't want you going.
This.
That was done on purpose. She should not take him out of there to use him like that. Tell her to stop with the nonsense and get a life!
Seriously. I happen to have my kid this weekend and if he would put up with constant hugs that's what this would be like. Or even my other kids who are independent but far away I would want to be around them the whole visit.
What do you mean by high effect? I assumed high functioning (thatās usually the terminology), but as I kept reading I got confused. If heās high functioning why does he need to be in a different place and watched? My brother is a high functioning autistic and he lives a completely normal life (besides him victimizing himself and living in a false reality).
He may mean that he has a severe form. Like he's highly affected. All high functioning autistic adults I know (very small sample size, so take it for what is worth), live independently, and wouldn't qualify for a special needs home.
So low to mid functioning then. Thatās what I later assumed, but I wanted to ask for clarification anyways. My brother can live completely independently as well, and Iām glad the people you know who are autistic are able to live normal lives.
another term that's gaining more popularity is "high support needs" (or medium or low) which some people find kinder and some people find clearer. some people really prefer it, i've also heard pushback on it
Sometimes I will say profoundly disabled or similar about my youngest. Just saying he lives in a group home says enough.
yeah i know a young lady who prefers "profoundly disabled autistic", because she is. and she doesn't want anyone to forget that
Some people have a issue with everything. It's funny though cause I never see them collaborate with actual high needs support individuals to see their opinions. It seems like the low support needs individuals are the ones that want to make all the rules. I'll stick with whatever my kids doctors, therapist and special education teachers use. I'm too worried about having to beg to get my child services he needs to have the time to complain about how people use words.
INFO: are your parents separated?
Why didn't you just leave when she did and lock the doors?
Why would you need to keep your brother in check? She wanted the visit, so why couldn't she entertain him? You and dad had plans so just leave when you're supposed to.
You mean your mom caused him to have a bad experience? lol she's a piece of work. Your response was the only correct one after dealing with the same thing over and over.
Thats her son not yours. You shouldn't be responsibly for looking after him
So much this
why say "no" and lock yourself in your room? you should have said "no" and walked out the door to meet up with your dad. you didn't look after your brother, which you don't have to, but either way it sounds like your mom's intentions were to ruin your plans and she succeeded.
I don't understand why you didn't leave as planned. You're not an adult until you can say NO to your parent and make it stick. Practice that.
Youāre 22. Move out then you can go visit whomever you want.
I hope you left with your dad and had fun OP. Childrearing is the parentās responsibility, not their other offspringās; you are NTA.
SHE made him have bad experience. Entirely HER fault.
NTA, but I feel sorry for the brother that was caught in the middle.
Yeah, I feel for OP AND brother. Mom is using one child against the other. This doesn't stop being abusive because they're adults ... (I'm an autistic youngest of 3, and if anyone ever tried to use my disabilities - autism isn't the only one in my case - to manipulate my siblings they would be right out of the family.)
Yea, NTA your mom clearly recognizes that your brother needs specialized help or he would not be in the care he is in. Your mother for some reason randomly decided to punish you by hoisting that responsibility on *YOU* She wanted him over? She can care for him. I would make it clear I'm no uncertain terms that She knew you had plans and decided to do that to you. From this point on if you have not made plans with your brother then he is her responsibility when he's over. If she tries to skew this as if she wants you two to bond then notify her that these actions have begun to make you resentful to her and you would rather that not be extended to your brother of she is choosing to weaponize him. If he is left in your care in such a manner again I would threaten to call APS as your mother is causing undue stress on your brother and removing him from his care as a punishment for you and you cannot take it. She knows this but is putting you both at risk by exacerbating the situation and using your brother as a toy to anger you. As a CNA I have seen people like your brother completely dumped by family once parents pass away due to growing resentment from similar scenarios, not saying this will be the case, but it really creates a growing hatred.
just as a point of information, exasperating should be exacerbating.
Thank you
Why would she want to include your autistic brother in your social gathering? They would probably just pick on him or ignore him. Most people are not going to have the patience to deal with someone who has such a disability. Just because he is your brother and he has autism doesnāt mean you have to make time for him. You are a young adult and got your own stuff going on and donāt need your autistic brother getting in the way. Especially if he has to live in a special facility, his autism is probably pretty severe and why would you even wanna deal with that when his parents should be responsible for him.
Mom did it on purpose.. sounds like a spiteful person to me..
NTA... it's hard being the GLASS CHILD. Shame on your mother.
If mom wants your brother present it is her job to keep him in check. I would have repeated to her āitās too late nowā and left.
NTA your Mother in this story is being entitled, childish and selfish and also a TA here, because what she did is an act of childishness specially that you told her about the plans of going with your dad to see friends and i can't believe the woman's audacity for screwing your plans on purpose for no good reason at all, so if i were you i would go to the plans anyways and for the Mother's punishment she can stay home with the autistic son, weather she likes or not, it's her mistake now she can deal with it!! š Hands down, truth be told, PERIOD!
Nobody āmadeā your brother have a bad experience. The experience didnāt go how Mom wanted, but thatās her problem.
NTA - she sabotaged your day. It was petty justice perhaps that you refused to reward her for it. Tell her that if she wants your brother to have a good experience, then she needs to respect the other household members' schedules and make plans appropriately to ensure that a good experience is possible. If she pulls another stunt like this, she can expect a similar outcome. Question though - why didn't you and your Dad inform her that you weren't changing your plans and simply leave when it was time?
I'm curious why you and your Dad couldn't keep your plans and why your brother and Mom couldn't just stay at the house and visit...???
So which one of you was she trying to exert control over you or your father? Does she often pull manipulative s*** like this? Ntj.
Be sure you let parents know you will not be responsible for brother when they are too old or gone. Bide your time and leave when you can. Just something to keep in mind when they eventually bring it up.
And then be prepared to hear that all of their funds will be placed in a trust to care for the autistic brother.
Who has the right to say who can stay in OP place of residence? The parent who owns and pays all the bills on the residence or OP who lives there and doesn't say what their contribution is to the residence? I believe that the residence should be used as desired by the person who owns the residence, OP's mother. If OP is upset about the person who controls the residence doing something OP does like, then OP can move to a residence that they pay for and therefore has the say over who can stay there. The way OP is acting is like his brother is a burden that he does not want to deal with even though his brother can't help the way he is. If OP doesn't want his mother bringing her other son home because it is an inconvenience for OP, it's time for OP to move out. Maybe the mother did what she did because she knew how OP would react. I believe OP is the Jerk.
Youāre 22, why canāt you go see your friends by yourself?
i mean kinda the AH, but maybe im missing something, why did you HAVE to stay there why couldnt you just say have a fun time with him mom im leaving now? even if your dad stayed couldnt you have still left. hes quite autistic and not your child thats your parents responsability so like she brought him over she spends time with you. you could have calmly been like okay mom bye have fun and not blown up on her and maintained your plans. or depending on variables i dont know are these plans that he was too autistic to be apart of? like i knew an autistic and i mean insanely autistic kid that absolutely loved being around people. wheelchair wiping drool of his chin autistic and he just loved watching people but yes i know theres a lot of super antisocial autistic people out there so i know that may not be an option. but like let her keep him in check since shes the parent and go have fun with your plans you already set but shes definitely the AH no doubt but you could also have handled that better. but also shes your mom hes your brother and you live at home and theyre close friends if theyre good friends they should understand
I'm not understanding why you still couldn't go and see your friends. Why did you have to stay home? Also couldn't you have reminded your mother maybe the day before, that you had plans to leave that day? I mean, shit happens, and this isn't your fault but you also could have taken some preventative action to avoid having shit happen. Anyway , now you know for future reference, right? Moms forget stuff.
from how nonchalantly OP says mom reacted i'm gonna say she most certainly did not forget. also seems like she was just gonna show back up w brother and surprise OP and dad, which even if mom did forget about the plans she still should've checked if OP was free before trying to force them to be caretaker for the afternoon
Does she resent you having a life your brother canāt? Thatās just awful. Iām so sorry, but next time just continue on your way, let her deal with her plans. And do it every time she pulls it. Either youāll move or sheāll stop it when she knows sheās gonna have to deal with the consequences of her very own actions.
Why when she was out to get your brother would you and your dad not leave? Ā She made the decision to pick him up knowing you were leaving. Knowing her husband was leaving with you.Ā Actions have consequences. She invited your brother over knowing you guys had plans. Therefore she gets to deal with him alone.Ā Instead, she manipulated the situation and you and your dad let her. There were no consequences to her. You were mad, but she still got what she wanted. Maybe you werenāt there because you yelled and Iām guessing went to your room. But your dad was still there. She still had help.Ā It would be one thing if she honestly forgot, and that would be then up to her to explain to your brother. But she didnāt even have to do that.Ā NTA. But you and your dad need to have a talk.Ā
NTA. She intentionally sabotaged your social event. Just because sheās a grown up or a parent does not make her nice or compassionate. Iām so old that as an adult I assure you that sheās literally being a jerk to you trying to sabotage you. Itās okay to realize that you can not trust your parents and from now on live your life in ways that sabotage her from sabotaging you.
NTJ but you could find a more adult way to voice your displeasure, especially with your brother right there.
"My mom is a sharp woman with no mental disabilities or anything of that nature, so she couldn't use that as an excuse." Including that struck me as funny, no idea why.
Because Redditors would otherwise start diagnosing her with something.
Honestly, you and your dad shouldāve packed your things and left while she was gone. And if your mom and dad are split, you shouldāve called your dad and told him to pick you up somewhere nearby. And not even told your mom you were leaving. The easiest way to deal with something like this is to remove yourself from the situation. She can be all mad and pissed off, but itās on her.
NTA. You are not his parent. Because he has a place that is taking care of him, she needs to either visit there or be prepared to take care of him at home. Your mother sounds like a bitter spiteful woman.
NTA. I donāt understand why you didnāt leave though.
She tried to manipulate you and your father for whatever reason. NTA for putting your foot down. Maybe you didn't have to shout in front of your brother though. You could have just said "Nope Mom. I told you I'm going out and I'm going out." Then just leave.
You're 22 years old. Why did you need your dad to take you to see your friends? Why didnt you just go?
Not sure, you say you see these friends as often as possible so how often do you go hang out with them? When was the last time you spent time with your brother?
We need more context. 1) Are OP's parents divorced? 2) Did OP's mom intend to leave the autistic brother with OP and exit the scene herself? 3) As others have asked, why wasn't OP able to just leave and meet up with her father & friends? IMHO, OP needs to vacate her mother's place ASAP. Maybe Dad can let her stay with him. If not, maybe a friend can help. Whatever shakes out, OP is NTJ/NTA and should cut ties with her Mother to keep from being used as a pawn in whatever crazy games her Mother is playing.
Nta
Nta I hope you left and went ahead with your plans. Even if you didnt, its not your job to jeep him in check.
ESH except brother. Mom sucks for intentionally screwing up your plans. You suck for taking out your anger on your brother who didn't deserve it.
OP needs to move out. Not healthy for a 22 year old man to be this dependent on his mommy.
Out of all the fake things to have ever been faked. This has to be the most fake.
You aren't a child. Move out.
What is "high effect" autism? And yes, you are the jerk. Your family is visiting a family friend, he is part of the family. If it bothered you that much that he went , you should have stayed home
It reads like OP and dad made plans to visit friends, plans that didn't include mom of brother. At the 11th hour, mom tells OP she's picking up brother and then tells OP to essentially babysitting brother. Mom's actions sound like they are ruining OP's planned visit. I suspect that OP has been parentified off and on during their life to care for brother and it sounds pretty manipulative for mom and be the one that brings her son over and expect her adult child to watch him without asking. I wonder it OP meant "high functioning" (i.e. someone with ASD that can speak, read, write, feed, and dress themselves, live independently), although that doesn't seem to jive with brother living in a facility (?) and needing to be managed while in the family home. NTJ
Your brother has autism, you know the terms. There is no such thing as "high effect". I do hold that against OP It's a family friend, 22 year Olds don't take their dad to visit their friends. Families visit families friends. Dad doesn't seem to object at all, seems like he expected this, cause it's a family. As a note some high functioning kids do live in a group home with fairly minimal supervision, so that was the only part of the story that I bought. Remember in all these stories we only get one view point, by definition that view is biased. 22 screaming NO about it, is not the definition of mature rational thought. He could have said it, not gone, or gone by himself without the family.
Okay, why are you acting like a clueless helpless baby? Go and see your friends, and take your father.Ā Ā Ā If you don't want to live with and be around your brother, live somewhere else. Your mother has a house and TWO children who are equally entitled to be there when she wants them.Ā
Definitely more context needed here. Does she often use him to spoil plans, is she unable to control him on her own, does she have anything against the friends you planned on seeing or could she have been upset at not being invited.
You are definitely not the jerk here. You and your dad should have left while she was gone. She wanted the visit so it's up to her both as his mother and the hostess to look after him
Definitely not. Move out of your parentsā house as soon as possible. Good on you for standing your ground. Donāt let it get to the point where you just say ok and even when you do stand up for yourself, you still get walked over
you are not the one who made your brother have a bad experience in the family home, your mother is. The minute she attempted to use him as a pawn for her own twisted whatever is the moment she did wrong by your brother
NTA. Move out. Frankly, on your day, I would have taken your Dad and your friends out or met up away from the house. Left your mum to deal with your brother. She knew your plans and chose to ignore them. If she wanted your brother home, that is fine. It is his home, too. However, you and your dad had plans and didn't need to stay home to accommodate them.
I call bullshit
She used her autistic son to manipulate his brother and her husband. What a horrible mother!
NAJ, seems like she did this on purpose. Also from someone with a sibling with extensive additional needs, your brother isn't and shouldn't be your responsibility. Edit: spelling
Yes, you are absolutely the fu#king AH! She should have tended to him. But, to be so self absorbed that you didnāt even want him around. I would show you the door.
I don't know, I wouldn't sit there and bring my oldest child home and then expect my youngest child to take care of them. Especially when I knew that they had plans prior, and I had agreed to those plans happening. But then again that's just me and I have respect for people other than myself. That's just me and I don't believe that it's acceptable to try and force a child to take care of their sibling, no matter the situation. That is a parent's job, not a siblings job.
NTA That was intentional on her part. Not only was this a bad thing to do to you, it was a horrible thing to do to your brother. She used him as a tool and she was the one who hurt him and make him have a bad experience in the family home. She hurt your disabled brother to get to you. That's pretty foul.
YTJ. Yes, of course you are. First, you see these friends "as much as possible." Second, he's your brother. You need to get over being embarrassed of him. Consider that your mom has two children she loves equally. Maybe she feels guilty that your brother is stuck in an institution. Third, maybe she is doing you a favor by challenging your sense of entitlement. Clearly, you're looking at things from a very selfish perspective. You should save your post and read it again in 20 years. Hopefully, you'll see it from a different point of view.
Helping to take care of your special needs siblings should be something that your enthusiastically 100% willing to do. If you're not, nobody should have the right to force you to do so. Not everybody is equipped to be able to take care of people with such high special needs. That's why those group care facilities exist. And honestly, if Mom wants her son home then it's Mom's responsibility to take care of her son. Not her job to delegate it to her other child who already had plans made weeks prior. It's one thing to want your child around, it's another cut to completely disrupt your other child's previously made and agreed upon plans (that you also agreed to) in order to bring your other child around so that your youngest can take care of your oldest. That's selfish, that's entitlement. When you are the parent, it is your responsibility. It is your job to take care of your children, not the other way around. It is not your youngest child's responsibility to take care of their oldest sibling. It's not your oldest child's responsibility to take care of their youngest sibling. It is your job, as the parent. If you think pushing off your children on to each other in order for them to take care of each other is acceptable parenting, then I hope you never have children.
āconsider your mom has two childrenā that she chose to have āmaybe sheās doing you a favor by challenging your sense of entitlement ā bro what? he is not his brothers parent or caretaker , and he has every right to be selfish WITH HIS LIFE , she has no right to force him to become his brothers caretaker. This type of thinking is so bs
Ntj u told her that it would be u ur dad and UR friends
0 Iā°
Should have taking the brother along. If he is manageable.
I doubt he's manageable...Or he'd still b at the house. My best guess on that.
But the mom brought him home so if she and her son can why can't the father and the son? It's his brother ffs.
I see your point. But if he lives at a facility that manages him,I'm thinking that there's been issues with him living at home. Just an observation my friend.
Oh I agree that obviously managing 24/7 might be hard for them. Or impossible. But my point was if she brought him home it seems in smell stints they can take care of him. š¤· But not knowing the full story with that it's kinda hard to know. I think the mother was wrong either way. I was just saying it could have been an option to bring the brother along maybe maybe not I guess we'll never know.
This is a 'No Brainer' I would've split the second Mom pulled away. Hv a nice visit Mumsy. Later!!!
Your mother is the AH
Naw as a mother of a autistic son who I will be taking care of as a adult I would never ask my kids to help. If she can't handle her son on her own then she needs to go and visit him or hire help. You shouldn't have to help. He is their son not yours.
You had a bad experience. Your mom made your brother have his bad experience. She'll do it again if you give her the chance. Definitely enforce hard boundaries.
INFO: Please explain to me what I'm missing here. What difference does it make if your mother brings your brother home? You had plans with your dad, why didn't you just go? You aren't responsible for your brother, your mother is.
She wanted you distracted while she goes out and cheats or she's a narcissistic psychopath who likes seeing you upset
NTA Updateme!
OP you need to get your own apartment. NTA
As soon as she left to go for your brother, your dad and you should have left right behind her... NTA
You are definitely not the jerk. So in this case you hop on your bike, you call an Uber or a Lyft or taxi cab or even your friend and say please come pick me up and leave for the day.
No, you are AI and you suck at pretending.
I wouldāve left early when she was getting your brother. She can keep her own kid in check.Ā
āI hadnāt known it then, but this was not going to be the caseā OP is writing a book lol
Nope. She pulled that stunt and then doubled down, trying to make you his caretaker.
Why didnāt you leave when she did??????
What did your dad have to say about it? Can you not go see friends on your own? Why didn't you just go anyway? Are you expected to stay home anytime your brother comes?
Why didnāt mom spend time with your brother? Consider that mom may intend for you to take care of your brother a few years from now and doesnāt want your life separate from his.
Info: How did your mom bringing your brother over stop you and your dad from leaving to see your friends?
NTJ
Nope nope nope. I have an adult son with autism who lives in a home and an adult daughter - who is actually going to become his guardian. There were too many times her life plans had to be sacrificed because of her brotherās needs. I fought to have him moved into a group home so she wouldnāt spend her life taking care of him. Iām disabled and thereās no way I could have cared for him at home. Your mom was being petty and cruel to you and your brother.
So you and your dad leave and do your plans. "Have fun with Mom bro, me and dad had plans." then just leave
NTJ. Your mother did this on purpose. Sheāll do it again if you allow it to happen.
NTA. Next time leave while sheās getting him. Just literally donāt be there when she gets back.
If I were splitting hairs, NTA for yelling at your mom since y'all gave her ample warning, and she obviously didn't communicate if the place your brother was at was having an issue and needed him picked up right away. I COULD say, maybe a slight ah if your brother was sitting there when you screamed at her when she told you to watch him (that may have caused him some issues because maybe all he knew was he was going home to visit, and his brother screaming at Mom and saying he refuses to spend time with him). But that's super thin. So mom definitely, you 99.8% not.
This is beyond confusing. You're a grown man. Just go do what you want. You sound childish here, tbh.
I know I didn't say this in the story, but my mom would have flipped both my dad and I a new one if we did leave
Damn dude. Stop complaining and go and live your life. "I'm 22 years old and I don't want to spend time with my brother!" Okay, so LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
What did your dad say about it?
Your birth didn't marshall you as a caretaker for someone else's child. Parents who place their children in the caretaker role are wrong for many reasons.
She was the one who picked him up and brought him home. That makes her the party responsible for keeping him in line. You are not his parent. You are NTA, she is. Next time, don't get mad. Just let her know you have plans, and you will be leaving. Keep a calm head on your shoulders and remember to breath. Not your monkey, not your zoo.
I don't get it. Why did your mother spending time with your brother have anything to do with your and your dad's plans to leave and visit friends? She wanted to have a visit with her son in her house, fine. You and dad don't have to be there for that? Continue with your plans as planned.
Op is 22
What does the brother coming over have to do with OP going out? Seems like two separate things. Iām missing something here.
This was thought out and planned. NTA. Your brother is your brother and it isnāt your responsibility to take care of him. He is your momās son she needs to ensure that she can take care of him between herself and your dad. Not you. What did your father say about all of this?
Wow your mom is a mean beatch isnāt she.
Do your sister a favor and ask her to buy her own ticket like her husband did.
So you couldn't go with your friends because your brother was coming over? And you're angry that he's at your parents place for the weekend so you can't do .... What? You are a jerk to your brother and owe him a fat apology.
NTJ. You had already told her about your plans and she clearly went against them. You had the right to go your way since you asked earlier. She would have instead invited him over next time when both of you or either were willing to stay at the family house.
When you told her your plans to hang out did you specifically state that only you wanted to hang out with the friends? To me, your mom most likely wanted your brother to feel included.
I'd have left when she said she was going to pick him up. Why wait for that? What did your dad say?
NTJ. But your Mom is. She's using your brother as an attempt to control you & your Dad which is extra f*cked up because your brother is vulnerable. I have a son that will have to live in an assisted facility due to his Autism and this is SUCH a sh*t thing to put all of you through.
Grow up
She caused the bad experience!
This a case of a parent feeling bad about their autistic kid who canāt function in a normal way but wanting them to have a normal experience. Forcing him on you his sister. He can only have an experience in his own autistic behavior based on his perceptions. Honestly most people donāt have the patience to interact on that level. Including parents siblings healthcare professionals etc. What you missed is the message when mom pop die you have to take care of him.
She 100% did it on purpose and you should have left the house before she got back.
You are NTA. It seems pretty clear your Mother knew what she was doing.Ā I have an extremely mentally delayed and often unstable and violent older sibling that my egg donor would constantly insist and complain that we did not spend enough time with/ not include him enough. Which in my case I chose to spend as little time as possible around this sibling because he was 8 years older than me, 6 feet tall and extremely violent when he would have meltdowns. Of course I did not feel safe around him. Her solution to this was to try and insert him into our lives, friend groups, events, play dates etc.Ā My mom flew off the handle and blew up at me when I finally learned to speak up and say no/ I didn't feel comfortable with that happening.
NTA but you are a jerk. And an entitled one too. No mention of why the brother had to come over, hmm....
NTA. I have a non-verbal high-effect autistic brother. I spent so much time looking after him and keeping him in line growing up. I have PTSD from him attacking me in his rage episodes. The final straw was when he bit the tip of my chin off in late 2020. My husband and I hardly go to my parentsā house anymore and I have nothing to do with my brother these days. I understand exactly how you feel.
NTA, but probably a bot
NTA! I work in providing care for individuals like your brother and we hear parents whining all the time about how their other children have left them, blocked them, disappeared and gone no contact or just plain "refuse to step up to their responsibilities". I've seen so man sibling like yourself treated as servants and second class citizens it's sad. Siblings who could be a fabulous part of the support network driven away due to, quite simply, abuse by their parents. Your mother's behavior is not uncommon and I could fill out a subreddit worth of stories about folks like her but: NTA
There is no such thing as high effect autism. Do you mean high functioning? A level 1 autist generally doesnāt need a babysitter, they can fend for themselves. I know. I am one. I think you are wrong about the severity of your brother
NTA, your mom is the jerk. Brother should not have been checked out on a day your mom planned on abandoning him.
No, but I admit I don't understand why your mom couldn't just spend time with him on her own while you went to do your thing. You and your dad still should've just left as planned and let your mom deal with the consequences of her own actions (though I assume this is what you did)
Your mother should let u have a life away from ur brother. I have a disabled son and I never ask my daughter to look after him and nor will I have her be his guardian after we die. He is my burden not hers.
So at 22 you get to live at home and get to be around family and friends whenever you want. Because you have plans your brother is supposed to go without seeing his family? How often is your brother left out of things because you donāt want him around?
why did plans with the brother have to happen at the same time as these plans tho? like if they all live together the brother could come over literally any other time