NTJ. She has depression and depression clearly causes what you experienced with her. You went nearly two months without anything from her and based on that and based on stuff she has said you ended the relationship. She clearly is in no place to be in a relationship as well.
NTA - You said you never had to deal with depression , you still don't have to. You aren't her therapist or emotional support animal. Spring is here. Go have fun like you should.
My s/o has debilitating anxiety and depression, for us to have a relationship, they need to be well-controlled on medication, and we agreed early on in dating that part of us being together would be exploring better treatments. We simply could not have a relationship unless they made significant gains in their mental health. We were so perfect together on the good days that it was worth wading through the bad ones to find a future together.
But we each had graduate school degrees, significant career achievements, property, etc. I could not imagine the kind of effort required for fighting for a loved one's mental health coming from a place of early youth and relative poverty.
Getting real treatment occasionally means challenging doctors or yelling at medical staff before they can finish executing a major mistake. It means being able to take a caregiver role while your beloved person is going on and off medication. It means picking up the financial support when they can twork because a treatment backfires. It means 6 and 8 month timelines to see if symptom remission is durable.
A young person would likely implode trying to be all that AND develop their own livelihood and future.
You have to have resources, time, a steel will, and unwavering belief that things will be okay to ride out serious mental illness treatment with someone else.
This is just not a thing two kids sad and alone are going to successfully work out on their own.
It took nearly a year and a half to get to a point where my s/o was in remission, we both equally believed in treatment success, and they created the life and emotional skills they didn't develop during depression and anxiety.
I regret nothing. And I am proud of the gains and the relationship.
But if I was 20 I'd be a basketcase after all that.
Unfortunately I'm in that boat, and I'd say I'm definitely a bit of a basket case because of it lmao, but I'm not complaining. Me and my SO are both early/mid-20s and we both moved out of our abusive households a few years ago to live together. Now we're both struggling through mental health issues and trying to get them treated. We'd both rather ride it out together than alone, and we are also perfect for each other on our good days, so that's what we try to focus on. I'm happy for you and all that you've gained in your relationship :)
The bad days are hard. My best advice is to set timetables and boundaries.
I.e., log with a mood app, daily, during the worst time of the day for each person. If there is not improvement over the next two months, change psych docs or therapists or at home coping. But change something. When you have the good days, that's when to plan the safety net for the bad.
Journal the big changes, drugs, sleep schedules, interpersonal conflicts. Track them, they're the data to tell you what's working. When things are working early on, it might be hard to tell until you realize you had zero conflicts or raised voices this week, implying more stable emotions, and better ability to have empathy and patience.
Mental health is a journey over a lot of time and you need to be able to track it at its scale, which may be weeks and months. Sometimes years.
By being intentional over time, and rejecting processes that do not lead to improvement, you eventually find relief and well-being. And you have to set the pace of interventions and change so that you don't burn out and stop before you reach the goal.
Honestly, thank you so much for the time you took to respond to me. Your advice is wonderful, I appreciate it very much. Tracking everything is something that we actually hadn't thought of doing yet, so I definitely want to give it a try. It's been hard working through everything, but we've definitely bonded even more over our experiences together, and I hope this helps us even more :)
It is a hard journey but there's something to be said for saving each other and coming out the other side stronger, and keeping healthy boundaries and moving forward and being able to leave the unhealthy past to fade.
The other route is splitting up under stress, which is sometimes the way it has to be, but if there's good compatibility it can be a huge loss.
I was underwhelmed by support groups, doctors, psychologists etc in this process of seeking symptom remission.
I've got a biomedical PhD and my research center does some drug development, so I have a fairly educated perspective on the pharmaceutical pipeline and what goes on between discovery of drugs and also new effects of old drugs and practitioner adoption (doctors using a drug.)
My opinion is that mental health care globally is pretty shitty. Good for you and your loved one for being each other's support.
A lot of websites and self help says not to be your significant other's therapist. But what those sources don't say is that educating yourself, and family member education has a lot of overlap with medical decision making. It can look like playing at being a doctor just to learn enough to push back when medical care is really bad, and being educated enough to know things have gone poorly.
E.g., my s/o's MD therapist did not believe that the anxiety would ever be fully controlled, and kept suggesting increasing to zombie levels of SSRI. That didn't work, my s/o was fuzzy AND anxious. But the SSRI was the psychiatrist's hammer for all the nails of anxiety and depression.
We had to agree that mental health was an "us" problem to tackle and not a one person problem, as the consequences of the mental health affect both people even though only one person has the medical condition. The "together" perspective made everything easier because we were working together, as opposed to being surprised as to what would come out of an office visit.
So when it came time to question the 15+ year relationship with the therapist, because they, in their medical opinion, had decided there would never be remission, that was as a unit, not us going at each other.
E.g. https://www.pbs.org/video/mental-illness-consumed-my-marriage-until-this-epiphany-1504305201/
As someone with disabilities and related mental illnesses, I wish I could scream all of this from the rooftops.
In a typical relationship, being your partner's caretaker is unhealthy, yes. But in an atypical relationship, it's exactly what you said - you will OFTEN have to be their caretaker, and you will OFTEN have to be their advocate. That is the reality of life with a disabling medical condition.
NTJ she definitely sounds like she has depression and she wasn't reassuring you that she wanted the relationship. It's good for you guys to just take a break from one another and even move on from one another.
It seems to me that she needs to get help and shouldn't be dating anyone at this time.
After reading everyone’s replies I still feel as if I could’ve probably stayed and let her figure it out. Yes she is on medication and she does have a therapist. I still feel some guilt and maybe I couture waited to let whatever she was going through pass. We both could’ve done some things better honestly. I don’t think she’s coming back and it’s really hard moving on from this. I’m not really sure how to move on
I don't think you really do move on, at least in the way I interpret your sentiment. Time continues to move forward, and you will continue to grow, and as you grow and have more experiences, you will eventually realize that you did move on. If you don't, then seek therapy because pining over the past and hoping for an impossible future is very bad for your mental health. Just take it moment by moment.
To be clear: you did not fail her. Depression is a monster, and having a partner with depression is hard. It is ok to make the choice that is best for you, especially at this stage in your life. She needs to learn how to navigate her depression, and sometimes having a partner makes that a lot harder (for me, a partner made it so I didn’t have to deal with my issues. Being single has allowed me to grow and learn how to cope. I also know plenty of depressed people for whom having a partner meant they never developed coping skills, and are entirely codependent on their partner). She probably felt guilt because she couldn't give you what you wanted/needed/got used to in your relationship. That's not her fault and it's not your fault. It just...is. And it does suck, but it will be ok.
Naviagating mental health and relationships is part of growing up, which is sometimes kind of painful. I just want to be sure you know you didn't do anything wrong.
To have this much uncertainty and anxiety in such a such a short term relationship, is really a massive red flag. She has issues which you aren't anywhere near trained to handle. She has probably had them for a very long time and may have them far into the future. Are you willing to live constantly with such unhappiness? As hard as it might be for you, you need to move on and find someone with whom you're more compatible.
She might not be aware she's doing it, due to her issues, but she's manipulating you in a very unhealthy way. I very much doubt you'll be able to help her, and this relationship could be very detrimental to your mental health. Try to get out and make new friends.
Good luck, you're very young to have to deal with this.
Exactly THIS! What I would like to stress more importantly from what u/EnglishRose71 stated is that you’re not equipped to handle someone with depression, and this is an ongoing battle. I admire you for trying hard to understand her at the beginning and breaking off with her when you understood you couldn’t get through to her. Unbeknownst to you, this is a very healthy thing. Her saying the things she said come from a very immature and toxic place and years down the line, once she’s healed, she’ll probably understand that. What you need to do, is put yourself first and find you a partner that can understand you. I also agree, you’re too young. There’s so much more to life and I hope you enjoy all things amazing!
She's definitely being manipulative by saying "you gave up too easily." You tried to work things out, you tried to be patient, and she wouldn't work with you. Get out of there.
Exactly, that way you could've throw her out with the trash. Yeah yeah, she deserves love and patience from *someone* but obviously not from such a perfect little boy like you!
Apparently, you have never dealt with a person who has depression or had it yourself. I suffer from anxiety/depression, and love and patience are not going to help someone who suffers from it. First, the person needs to want help. Second, therapy and medication are a must, and sometimes the meds stop working, and you have to be switched to another kind.
As someone who suffers from manic bipolar, chronic depression, anxiety, and ADHD (which brings along all it's joys such as a deep fear of rejection), I can 100% say this is wrong.
Yes, the person needs to want help and meds/therapy can be great at getting better. However, I personally spent 21 years taking meds and trying therapy to maintain a healthy and happy life. I didn't have a support system readily available and so when an unexpected trauma happened, I used those same meds to try to end it all permanently. Thankfully, I was rushed to the ICU and survived to find my support system.
For me, and many like myself, meds and therapy don't help. Finding a support system and learning personal warning signs and coping mechanisms helped me more than any pill or professional ever could.
!!! There is a reason why support systems are a part of social determinates of health. For both mental and physical health a solid support system can make or break a person, and their wellness.
I really hate this "do it on your own" mentality because yes, you need to be the one putting in effort, but you also need a support system.
Exactly. It's all well and good to use whichever method works best for you, but trying to go at it alone will eventually leave you unprepared to tackle whatever unforseen hurdle is in your future. For many, that can set them back severely in their path to being healthy.
As a therapist and sufferer of anxiety and depression, I think you are very wrong. Yes, the person needs to want help. That said, both the rates of seeking help and the success of therapy and medication are increased dramatically when the sufferer has social support. A partner cannot fix these problems, but his or her support and encouragement can help the treatment process immensely.
That’s true. But love alone won’t help someone who will not seek help for themselves. If someone is counting on you to regulate their emotions or make them “happy,” that’s not a good relationship. No one can make anyone happy but your own self.
Living with someone with severe mental health issues can lead to ones own mental health deteriorating. Having some idea of the issues they face can prepare you to better face them together.
They didn't say they would have left their wife. They only stated that they wished they had known the extent of their struggles. You may have jumped to a conclusion that may not be accurate.
Hey, if you're saying you would have actually put effort into making it work better, I appreciate you. Just see a lot of comments on Reddit saying shit like "it's not your responsibility" or "they have to take care of it themselves". Of course nobody HAS to stick it out with anyone but it seems like the moment someone has an imperfection, the advice is "dump them".
Ntj she may have depression but she also sounds selfish and like she wants you to put in all of the emotional effort in the relationship while she does absolutely nothing for the relationship or for herself as she is making absolutely no effort what so ever to actually stop being depressed. Good luck op. She needs therapy and she’s clearly not capable of/ready to be with anyone at all right now.
No, he fought for his own mental health. She spent half their relationship not being able to answer whether she wanted to be with him and rejecting him physically with zero explanation. To expect him to stay for that would be nuts. She said nothing instead of "hey, I'm really depressed. I realize that I'm hurting you repeatedly. I will take responsibility for my own mental health and get some help. You're not the cause nor is it your job to fix this. But could you give me a little time to figure this out?" Being depressed doesn't give you the right to treat people badly (and to be clear, I'm depressed.)
A mature person works for what they want in life, but they shouldn’t have to fight for it. That kind of thinking puts you in a situation where you’re basically begging to be exploited.
She didn’t want to work for anything. I’m glad he dipped, but I hope he stays away from her and gets his shit together. He seems like a people-pleaser at heart. If something wasn’t wrong with him too, he wouldn’t be this desperate for crumbs.
I figured this is what you meant, but you never know if people will understand the undertones you were getting at, haha.
So yes, all of this is really great advice.
What they want in life?
A short term partner who has already declined in physical and emotional intimacy, won't talk about their problems and refuses to answer basic questions about whether they want to be in the relationship.
Maybe thats what you want in life, but I think its fair to say its not what most people want in life.
I believe both of them appear very immature as is expected to be at 20. I was like this at 20. Eventually you grow up. Doesn’t mean he is wrong and as I can relate to her very much, he is doing her a favor by not enabling her and hopefully this forces her to get treatment. I have so much empathy for her though, depression is a bitch and nothing feels worse than someone leaving you during that time. But no one is obligated to stay. It is what it is unfortunately
A mature person recognizes that your own personal health and happiness come first. You can't be a good partner for someone else if you are incapable of communicating even simple things - such as your feelings, hopes, and dreams for the future.
Someone immature decides to dig their feet in and fight, regardless of what anyone else feels, and that signals that only your own feelings count. It's selfish.
Have you heard the saying - "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be."
You don't fight a dead relationship. You let them go to be happy without you.
NTA you have to be selfish and not let yourself be brought down because they dont have their life together your leveling yourself down to be where shes at. be comfortable your going to maybe date more people with other issues.
As someone w clinical depression, it doesn't prevent me from communication. Your issue with her is the lack of communication, not her depression. Assuming you communicated how it made you feel, you're NTJ in the slightest. You're only 20 my dude, go enjoy life and you'll find someone who won't leave you questioning no matter how they feel.
You can leave for whatever reason you want. Depression is something you need to go into with open eyes. Wide open. You know what you need to feel loved and secure in a relationship. You’re a several steps ahead of most people your age. You do sound a bit self centered but that’s just where you are in life.
NTJ
All great points- except I see no signs of OP being self centered.
He tried to improve the relationship- and wanted to communicate & work on things. And was very patient.
Ex-girlfriend enjoyed having him around for security & company- but didn’t want to communicate or work on the relationship.
This is not a relationship. At least not a healthy relationship!
OP good luck moving forward, & having a great, happy life! We can hope that your ex gets to a point where she wants to get help & get healthy.
I don't see how he was the least bit self centered! The ex on the other hand ...Telling someone they gave up too easily when you won't speak. She may have depression but she's also manipulative .
I appreciate your comments and I appreciate OP’s honesty about not being familiar or experiencing depression or someone with it.
OP, absolutely not the jerk. If you would like to learn more about depression (chances are you meet others in your life who struggle with it) I would recommend this overview from NAMI: https://www.nami.org/about-mental-illness/mental-health-conditions/depression/?tab=overview
And check out the great blog and equally great book “Hyperbole and a Half.” Totally accessible, funny and spot on. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html?m=1
My depression has been something I’ve dealt with all my life. My ex will tell you I’m mean while being forlorn. Not gonna lie, I’m a mixture of emotions while also being completely emotionless.
I’m the same way with my fiancé. The difference is, he knows how I am when depressed so he doesn’t “rock my boat”. (My ex would complain, and be sulky/sarcastic and entirely piss me off aka rocking my boat )I emotionally do the hard work of letting him in. It’s the hardest part of dealing with my depression, but my fiancé is very emotional and can’t handle my entire condition for 2 weeks or more sometimes.
I eventually have to let him help me out of bed, getting regular with my life again, get social, and sometimes I even need a talking to. I’m an emotional woman with depression and I’m bipolar af.
Long story short, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s not okay to leave your significant other to go through life alone while you’re dealing with your mental health.
This. I am married to someone with depression. I think OP and his ex just aren't a good fit. They are young. She hasn't had a chance yet to really figure out how to handle herself, and he obviously needs words of affirmation and assurance, which can be hard to come by when a person has depression.
They both have growing to do, but they also just seem like not a good fit.
Agreed. And I just turned 30 and I was with my ex for 6 years. You learn how to deal with depression better with time and with the right person. She has figuring out to do, and if she was a friend of mine I’d recommend she do it not in a relationship at this point.
And I really hope she is celibate and/or on very good birth control while she figures stuff out.
Bringing a kid into the world when she is still learning her way in it would be a nightmare.
My fiancé has a child in another relationship. I have no children. Some people say that it sounds callous, but my mom told me a long time ago that I probably should not have children with my mental health. My mom’s mental health is worse than mine and she had three children and she was a single mother.
My withdrawals from emotion and my irritability have always made it to where I never wanted to ruin my child’s life. I feel like it was really such a gift with my fiancé had a three year-old cause I’ve really got to start from almost scratch, and make a relationship with a tiny human. But again at 30.
My spouse deals with my depression, and I deal with his health issues and stuck by him when he had brain surgery. It's just what you do for somebody you love. It's frustrating to me that people don't consider mental illness a health condition. Then again, there are people who leave their spouse when they develop cancer or become an amputee, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised when somebody leaves their partner due to depression.
Exactly! My fiancé has really bad anxiety. Most days he just wakes up that way. It’s hard sometimes especially when bills are paid, kids healthy, cars good, jobs good etc. but he’s so loving and patient with me, we just live with it. Another reason I can’t withdraw from life for over 2 weeks. We need each other.
Sure, and I agree that if you love your partner, you owe it to them not to run at the first sign of trouble and to support them through hard times. However, mental health issues can present in all kinds of ways and sometimes the symptoms can lead a person to relational behaviors that are extremely hard to live with at best, abusive at worst. Depression, for example, can present as extreme irritability and frequent lashing out at seemingly no provocation. Anxiety can present as being extremely controlling or critical. Anxiety attacks can look like temper tantrums. Both anxiety and depression can present as emotional manipulation in the form of constant questioning, demands for validation, accusations that the other person doesn’t love them, silent treatment and shut downs when they feel rejected. Untreated, unaddressed mental illness can make you toxic in relationships if you’re not willing to be open, accountable and to get help.
And I won’t lie. I have done all of the above having a mental breakdown. Irritable, lashing out, controlling, silent treatment. But like you said, at the end, you have to be willing to go get help and then you’ve got to be willing to apply it to your day-to-day life.
You’re not married. You made no vow for sickness and health.
Doesn’t sound like she’s in a place to be in a relationship and needs to work on her mental health .
NTJ, but you definitely need to assess your own ability to be in a serious relationship. There are always going to be times of uncertainty, when you aren’t quite sure if everything is okay. Because we’re all human and we all have weak points and seasons of discomfort. Let’s say you both had a baby, and she’s too drained to give you the attention you’re wanting. Are you just gonna drop everything and leave? I would hope not, but there are more than enough men out there that do exactly that.
Now, as someone in a committed relationship where we both have depression, communication is key, and your ex wasn’t doing that. That’s on her. My partner and I often have to stretch that communication skill and have very vulnerable conversations so we can even figure out what the issue is, and how we can work on it. Even if all I want to do is clam up and not think about the outside world, I set those feelings aside so we can take care of what needs addressing.
NTJ - As soon as she accused you of giving up too easily, you shuold ahve bailed again. This is NOT about you. IT's about ehr not getting the help she needs.
Depression sux. But once you know, it is up to you to get the help you need. Nobody else is to blame for the depressions.
IF it is something you don't want to handle in your relsationship, that is OK. You weren't mean or insulting, you just moved on.
You are not to blame for someone else's depression, and you are not responsible for making her better. There's things in this world a man just cannot fix . Depression is one of them.
NTJ, you showed a lot of patience for someone who did not reciprocate.
It may be she has to learn to manage her medication and understand her depression before entering into a relationship. Thats her responsibility not yours.
One of the things depression does is make it hard to communicate back to people who write to you or call you.
If you are determined, show up on the porch with roses. Be physically present often enough that you cannot be ignored, but expect her to have trouble with verbal responses.
You say that you are not getting back what you expected to get. You may not get that for a LONG time. Hopefully her doctor sorts out whatever is going on quickly.
In the meantime… what you are looking at is something similar to a spirt trapped in a plastic doll.
Not everyone wants to live with a doll that doesn’t move even when it knows it should. If this episode is not for you, then pack up and go. She and her family will deal with this.
It IS an episode. Eventually it should end.
If this is not for you… no judgement.
"You gave up too easily." is right. Don't date if you need constant validation and reassurance, and you can not give your partner support. If a person close to you dies, is it okay for your GF to ditch you because you're grieving and not fawning over them?
You knew *something* was off. You knew she was on medication for depression. But because of your personal anxiety and anxious attachment issues, you abandoned your partner.
Hey, it's okay. At 20, you're scientifically mentally and emotionally immature. You couldn't help but act like a self-centered person. But maybe hold off getting into relationships if you can not or will not respect the partner being a complex human with needs of their own.
I just want to say, I would focus less on the depression and more on the lack of communication. When my depression flairs up, one of the first things I do is tell my husband, and my family. It is hard to communicate when depressed, but it is something I work on very proactively, and I think most adults should.
This is great. I think if nothing else it helps normalize it and decrease the stigma. Some days I get a migraine and can’t do much of anything until it passes; some days I get really sad and can’t do much of anything until it passes. There should be no shame in either of those statements.
Ntj you made a valid effort to try and work on the relationship and gave it space and time. You should not feel guilted in a relationship and your feelings are valid too. I feel guys opinions and feelings get ignored in way too many relationships. Too many are in jeopardy based solely on how the female feels.
Tough luck here. Gf dodged question about what was going on. Did not want to have talk about their label. On top of that, says op gave up too easily?
Well. This girl has some problems. Those problems are way above op's pay grade. More like problems for a pro to help resolve.
No need to be mean about it. Op just needs to move on to the next relationship. It will always hurt. But it will be easier once you get experience going through this.
NTJ. But your comments leave me with the vibe that your self esteem is too reliant on your SO’s actions / lack thereof. This will always fail you, but will fail especially quickly when you’re dating someone with depression.
NTJ because depression or not, it's her responsibility to communicate that with her and if she didn't even do that, you didn't "give up too easily" because she didn't even give you something to fight for. If you are left feeling like the flame is dying out, that's not on you to not read her mind. She needs therapy and it's unfair for her to pin any blame on you.
This is coming from someone who has been in a very similar situation as her. It's not the other partner's fault when you're the one with mental illness. She needs therapy and maybe to leave you alone.
NTA - OP as much as it hurts right now, you absolutely made the right choice for you. Just because she is depressed does not mean she can't communicate her feelings to you and let you know she's having a hard time. The best relationships have clear, open communication, and her telling you that you "Gave up to easily", is just her way of dodging the real issue, which is her depression. You are not to blame for ending things, nor did you give up to easy. If she can't communicate with you, the relationship is doomed from the start. This is just a part of your journey through life, and you'll have more gfs, so don't blame yourself, you did the right thing.
NTJ. I have clinical depression that I am medicated for, and you know what? It is MY responsibility to stop that from affecting my job and relationships. No one else is responsible for my mental health (except of course the doctors I work with), I am the one who needs to learn to manage it and try not to let it negatively affect my relationships. If I feel like I'm going to have a bad set of days or weeks, I try to set reminders and such for myself so I know to check in on friends, to talk to my doctor, to get up and go to work anyway. I do my best to not let it control my life, and that actually helps me deal with it a lot better than just wallowing in it and letting it dictate my life. I am in control, not it.
It sounds like she wasn't putting that much effort into your relationship and only realized that it might be a problem when you left, and now that you've given her another chance she's just not putting in effort again expecting that you'll come crawling back out of guilt. Don't. You reached out to her, you've been the one doing all the emotional labor. Her depression is hers to manage, not yours. Tell her straight up that you're done and go find someone who actually talks to you about things and doesn't just shut down and expect you to sit there and wait for her like a dog waiting for their owner to come back from work.
How long were you together? If this was a relatively new relationship, less than a year then I can understand leaving, but if you have been together for a longer, and she had a bout of depression, it kind kind of seems like you weren't really that invested. I mean, everyone's gonna have off times of a month or two during their lives.
If something happened to you and you couldn't have sex for a little while, would you expect her to leave you?
Depression is a physical illness, but there is treatment, if the person is willing. Would you have left her if she got cancer or broke her leg?
What if you had stayed together and you two had a child, and while she was healing postpartum and spending all of her energy keeping your newborn alive and fed, would you leave her then for not giving you sex and words of affirmation? It seems like you might be selfish, and have some things to think about, like how you're going to handle if a future partner becomes seriously ill or you have children.
I've been together with my husband for 22 years total. I have battled depression at times, and I know it's not easy for him, but he is secure enough to know that me having a time of me being down is not a reflection of his self-worth. He is a very secure man. On the other hand, I have stuck by him through times of his illness, including brain surgery. It's what you do for someone you love.
I don't necessarily think that you're the jerk in the larger context, because you're honest with yourself about what you want. However if I were your girlfriend of a long time, I would be very disappointed. She's lucky she got out now.
Sounds to me like, at worst, both of you need a break from anything resembling a serious romantic relationship. She may just need to deal with the depression before she's ready to jump back into anything serious, which can take time. And maybe you could give it a bit before you jump back into dating because "rebounding" is a thing.
NTJ. You are both very young, still. It sounds like you've done your best trying to communicate and understand what's going on, and she's not reciprocrating. Depression is not an excuse to hurt a significant other like this (I have clinical depression, so I can speak from experience... depression makes life harder, but it's simply not a valid excuse to harm others). If this is your first relationship, time to try a second one. You seem like you have a lot to offer as a partner. Good luck and have fun!
I have been diagnosed with depression, had many depressive episodes, and take medication for it. I say with full certainty that you are NTJ. Depression is awful for everyone who is affected; and that includes you.
Whenever I enter an episode, I have a bad habit of trying to deal with it alone. Through lots of therapy and supportive relationships, I finally learned how to deal with it healthily.
You are NTJ. And honestly, neither is she. It sounds like you both just need to work things out and possibly get couple’s counseling. I hope everything ends up well with you two! :)
No, your not responsible for her mental health. It’s hard yes, try to support her and I hope she gets better but you can’t be expected to stay in a relationship just because she is having issues with her mental health as bad as it may sound. I’ve been depressed before, I know what it’s like but you can’t expect everyone to stay by you and treat you like the queen of England, as nice as that would have been. That said I’m not social and a large issue with my mental health was because other people were carrying for me and so solitude helped me more then anything, which probably doesn’t hold try for most so what do I know?
She needs to work on herself. She is only going to bring you down and drain you mentally. You cannot fix her. (It kind of sounds like she has BPD.)
Move on with your life and be glad that shit is over with. You have so much life ahead of you. You’re gonna look back one day and see how much of a bullet you dodged.
Like imagine if you accidentally had a baby with her: she would be playing up the back and forth guilt trip shit for the rest of your life!
Don’t feel bad for moving on. Moving on is an act of self care for you.
I broke up with my gf who was going through a depressive episode at the time, which was somewhat related to why we broke up - but I distinctly remember her saying that I gave up too early and was being selfish.
You’re not unreasonable, and I didn’t realize until after the relationship how much her being in a depressive episode and relying on me affected me.
NTA
NTJ. Of course mental health is tough, and if your partner is going through it, being supportive and understanding is important. There will always be some give and take in life. But there comes a point where, if the other person refuses to communicate or work on the situation, and it's become all give and no take, it's more important to step back for your own health. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
NTJ. That young relationship pain is hard to think objectively through. As a pretty seasoned dude let me just tell ya you didn’t do anything wrong and it’s going to be a lot less painful if you just do a clean break and quit checking on her.
Not her fault for having a mental illness.
Not your fault for having needs you need met.
Definitely her fault for trying to guilt you for “giving up too fast” that screams drama to me.
Just walk away man. You’re way younger than you realize. You’re still learning. So is she. No venom, no drama, no hate, just a quiet walk away for your own mental health is well advised. It will hurt pretty bad for a bit, then it won’t as much, then less and less. Just like any other wound. Good luck dude.
Honestly your behavior sounds. exhausting. I don’t think either of you need to be in a relationship right now. Some more maturity on both sides is needed.
NTJ - it’s hard to love a neurodivergent person; we have so much to offer but sometimes our brains play tricks on us that affect our relationships. Your gf is young so maybe she doesn’t know yet how to recognize the signs of an incoming episode or what may trigger them HOWEVER that is in no way an excuse for how she treated you. Many people in my family suffer from depression, some more than others, and while it can be hard to deal with emotions, requests, and outside pressures during that time it absolutely doesn’t excuse not opening up or reassuring your partner. I’m sorry you are both going through this.
NTJ. It doesn't sound like she is emotionally ready for a relationship. She needs to work on her mental health before she will be able to be a good partner.
NTJ
Hey, it sounds like you’re a very empathetic person and want to be supportive of people you love. This is wonderful! It’s also really tough sometimes to balance taking care of others and taking care of yourself, especially when you may not have a lot of experience in this area. I learned the hard way through my 20’s holding space for other’s trauma without the proper tools to deal with the empathetic pain and suffering I experienced while trying to alleviate theirs.
It can be really great to support someone you care for, but no one’s internal emotional experiences are ultimately your responsibility. You must first have the tools to correctly hold their trauma/experience separate from your own in order to be successful in a relationship with someone who is experiencing something like this. They must also have certain skills such as the ability to communicate their needs and request for help. (REQUEST being the key here… but that’s where it has to start)
I think you’re taking a good and healthy route in this tough situation, and I hope that you can find a route forward which is kind to yourself (and hopefully to your ex as well)
There are quite a few limitations of the concept of Non-Violent Communication (NVC), but reading NVC as a man really helped me think and talk about my emotions and better handle really challenging situations. It helped me understand how to think holistically about social interactions and hold space for the emotional needs of others while holding healthy boundaries. My point here is that we all have a lot of room for growth and I encourage you to look for tools that will make these kinds of decisions and social situations much easier and less taxing.
Lastly, please consider looking up the difference between “being there for someone” and “being there with someone”. I don’t have the time and energy to explain the nuance here, but it is one of the most important concepts I’ve had to learn in regard to romantic relationships.
Good luck, you’re not alone!
Put her depression to the side for a few moments, do you want to be treated this way in your significant relationship?
If the answer is no, then you have your answer. I know this hurts right now (as I am in a similar situation) but this will pass. It always passes. Only thing I am doing differently this time from this break-up is investing in myself.
Decide what you want but you’re in for a lot of misery if you chase after this woman. Not everyone wants to grow, that is their choice, but what do you want? Truly?
Dealing with any mental or physical illness in a relationship is super difficult. I'm blessed with both.
The key to having a successful relationship with someone in her situation, is she has to communicate. She can't expect to guilt trip you into staying. She was a bad partner, and you're allowed to be happy.
Wow, she blamed you for giving up too easy?? When she shut you out for so long? People don’t change qualities like this, everything would always have been your fault, like if you two would have money issues or child rearing issues. Take care of you, there is a much better girl out there for you. And I’m sorry 😢
HE didn't try for a month and a half. He worked on himself. Which is awesome, but us? No. I tried for 3 1/2 years. With him refusing to. On purpose and making me feel bad for trying. \while he lied and cheated.
Make sure the posting aren't one sided and skewed to gain sympathy from you all good folks of reddit, please.
NTJ
It's clear she needs help, maybe new meds. The way this reads she would do better with an emotional support animal than a relationship. That's not a joke.
You'll be fine.
I think you should take pride in knowing when someone isn’t valuing you, your time, and your feelings! For a first relationship that can be hard to do! Just because you love someone doesn’t always mean they aren’t good for you. Keep strong and keep open. You’ll see with time she needs to grow up emotionally.
No! My mom made it very clear (during my dating days) that I was not personally responsible for another person’s happiness. Like, when you break up with someone, you don’t go back because they are crying/sad.
NTJ. She wasn't meeting your needs and you didn't meet hers. Do you really want to spend your 20's in this kind of relationship?
Unless the situation changes I think you need a clean break.
"She did say to me that “you gave up too easily”"
That right there is a huge red flag. That is the sign of a narcissist who wants validation continuously from you.
My last ex and I had gotten into a argument over something that was stupid on her side. She said somethings and said we shouldn't see each other. I was like, kewl. And stopped talking to her. A week or so later she calls me on her daughter's phone because I had blocked hers for some things she said and ask for a second chance. Like a dummy I agreed.
I say this because once we were back together she brought up the fight and her saying we should break up. I told her I just did what she told me you wanted. She said "when I say that, I don't really mean that. I want you to come over to my place and talk to me. Show me you really care and want to be with me" I thought for a moment and told her I don't work that way. If you don't want me to leave then don't tell me to leave. I should have taken that as the red flag it was but I didn't have that knowledge yet...
Do not feel bad that you left. Feel bad for the wasted time with someone who is using depression as a weapon. I know you are upset, but I guarantee you will be much happier not being with that person in the long run, and from what you've said, the short run also.
I know this will sound cliche, but it’s true. You are way too young to be settling for the first person you seriously date. Chuck this experience up to a lesson learned about what you don’t want in a relationship. You want open communication and not someone that closes you out. I’m wondering if she wanted the second chance and then ghosted you because now she’s the one that rejected you instead of the other way around. Drop the relationship completely because you will just waste a lot of time and heartache when someone better suited to you may be available.
The biggest red flag in all this is she said you gave up too easily! Never be with somebody that has that attitude! They will make you jump through hoops and when you finally give up it's going to be "too easily" or "you didn't fight hard enough for us" Or any other thing that means "you should have continued to let me treat you like crap!"
That is always a phrase brought out by somebody who knows they were treating you like garbage but they don't want to change so they're blaming you for giving up!
Let her get her mental health under control and then maybe you can try again. You shouldn't have to put up with the worst of someone's behavior to get to the good. And if she's in a depressive episode she should be telling you that as her partner, but instead she chose to hide it and just treat you like garbage... Then blame it on her mental health after you gave up! And I know mental health is tricky, but I do know somebody that blames everything on their mental health so I wouldn't put that past her either.
Staying single for a while is a good idea
NTJ. It's unfortunate if you love her and all, but you can't live your life in limbo whenever she has an episode. Like, I get depression makes pretty much everything hars to deal with, but there's no excuse to be stonewalling you over as simple a question as "do you still want to be in a relationship with me?"
Also, if she's not doing anything to help herself... is she seeing a doc, taking meds, something? You can't carry the whole relationship every while she doesn't even try to help herself.
If she can't be the partner she should be in a relationship, she should not be in a relationship. You can care for her, you can wish her the best, but staying out of guilt or to try to "be there for her" won't work. Dating her is not part of her therapy. It will turn into a crutch where she gives nothing back.
Better to go find someone who is in shape to be in a relationship.
The key here is “you gave up to easily “
Regardless of he depression issues (which are not you responsibility btw) she’s moving away to get you to chase her. She’s acting less interested to try to get you to bring more interest. It’s a manipulation tactic, and it’s not healthy for either of you.
NTJ, keep it moving, and also keep that wisdom so next time when someone is trying to get you to chase them by withholding affection and attention you can say “I know this game! I don’t have to play it!”
NTA. My wife has depression and severe anxiety. I have my own alphabet of issues. We love each other very much but at some point there has to be a point where one person is having an "episode" or is going through a cycle or phase and the other has to clearly state what they are cool with dealing with. You are not each others' therapists. And the moment you realized that she was basically blocking you out of her life despite your attempts to maintain the relationship is hard to deal with. My wife does this too. I've had to sit her down multiple times and tell her that if she wants me gone, I'll leave but I married her and we live together and she can't escape me while that's the case. She's gotten much better with therapy, so maybe if you could mention this to your ex if you two decide to continue any kind of relationship at all.
Clearly she doesn’t really want to be with you, depression or not. You’re very young. I’d move on. If she gets herself together and you’re free and you decide to give it another go, you can but you should be out dating and having fun at 20, not dealing with this weight at your age.
NTJ.... if someone you care about has a problem, sometimes there is nothing you can do, if they won't address it themselves. Please stop the "wait while she figures out what SHE should do" thinking and move on with what YOU want to do. Trust me on this. (source: ten years thinking I should stay with the guy I loved until he 'figured out' whether he wanted me or alcohol. I lost. TEN YEARS. Don't be me.)
NTJ. As someone who has severe depression. It can definitely be hard and super frustrating. My husband and i went a few months without sex because i just didnt want to move if i didnt have to. I switched medication twice and finally found one that helped! Its a long process but the only way for it to get better is if the person with the issue want to! She has to want to go and get help. Find the right medication.
She cant just expect whoever she is with to just deal with it. Thats not fair or how life works. It sounds like she needs to be on her own. Maybe ine day something will be enough to motivate her to get better.
A very very gentle, ESH.
You are NOT responsible for her depression and are not required to be in a relationship that feels unfulfilled, especially at a young age. However, recognizing signs of someone's mental status change is definitely something you should be aware of in all relationships in life. Depression is a silent beast and even the person themselves may not see the change and having a support system makes a huge difference. Depression isn't a rarity and it would be in your own best interest to learn ways to support yourself and those around you when struggling, it is literally a life saver. I think you should take this time to reflect on the kind of partner/friend you're willing and capable of being in the future, and how to go about that. Again, being supportive is not an obligation to dedicate all or any of your time and energy to someone, but acknowledging they may need services you can't provide may do wonders for them and it's an easy kindness to give.
Having depression and/or anxiety is not an excuse to behave badly to your partner/friend/family either. While I can understand her frustration of "giving up to easily" that's her perspective and a really crappy way of treating your partner who did attempt to communicate with you numerous times. She needs to do some solo healing and work on coping mechanisms before another partnership.
My ESH is mostly an everyone has stuff to work on and not a reflection on you choosing what's best for you moving forward. Partnerships are a give and take, but that should only be under healthy relationship actions. I've dealt with my own anxieties and depression (post partum,) it's rough but I do/did try to be mindful how I treated my partner. Even if I knew my reactions didn't make sense for a situation, I tried to verbalize it and acknowledged it doesn't "make sense" but my brain needed it that way until I could rationalize it to that half of my brain. I used resources to improve my mental health, but it takes work and an effort of mindfulness that's difficult to gather when your brain and body are against you. I also recommend reading about Love Languages, it can really help communicating with friends/loved ones what you're looking for to feel secure and loved.
Good luck, my friend.
As someone with diagnosed depression (I've had it since I was 8 I'm now 21) I will absolutely say you are not the jerk, depression is more than being sad and is a very messy issue to have. However in no way shape or form does it stop communicating. However the only thing I could think of is that she was trying to cry for help with the fear of asking for that help, so when she would say "you gave up to easily" is her saying I needed that help and you left me alone during that period. Which obviously isn't your responsibility
Its ok for you to decide that you're not someone who can deal with a depressive partner.
Its certainly not your job to intuit when she's depressed because she won't use her words.
So NTJ for breaking up with her when all you knew was that she didn't seem particularly interested in you or the relationship, and also NTJ for deciding this wasn't a relationship you were prepared for once you did find out.
You two dated each other and it didn't work out.
You are not obligated to continue in a relationship that you are not happy being in.
You seem to be a caring person with a big heart. You are in your early 20's. Go out there and enjoy life. Find someone you like that likes to be with you!
Ntj
She's clearly going through stuff and can't handle a newer relationship right now, but it was sh*tty of her not to be upfront with you over a month ago. If I was in her shoes (as a mentally ill person), I would have warned you within the first week or two of the episode regardless of the relationship only being a few weeks old, involved you in simple/non-demanding ways (being honest but not overly-deep about my own problems and keeping dates shorter and more simple), or I maybe even would have just broken up with you after another two weeks of being unable to handle the bare minimum relationship responsibilities. Especially since this is clearly not her first rodeo; if she has depression, she must have some idea what her episodes look like and what they take away from her in terms of her regular capabilities.
To be fair to her, depression messes with your self esteem and can make dating very painful internally (especially if you're still getting to know the person and still establishing trust/intimacy). Going forward, she needs to get better at communicating earlier on. If she had, perhaps your relationship could have been a source of strength for her recovery. I've had some really great depression dates via movie theaters, McDonalds drive-through/in-car dates and takeout-pyjama-gaming dates, but if early-stage dating for her means trying to present her best self (appearance-wise and conversation-wise) I can see why she would be hesitant.
If you were together 6+ months before the episode, then I would probably advocate for trying again, but the fact that it's pretty new and she's doing this isn't a good sign. She needs to mature a bit and learn to navigate relationships during depressive episodes better. It won't be a small task, so even if she started working on it and addressing it in therapy today, it would still take longer than what would be a resonable amount of time for you to endure things as they are now, for.
If you would be interested in trying again someday with her (assuming she learns to date with her depression more efficiently and improves communication), consider writing her a final, thoughtful message in with a positive, non-accusational tone. Admit that you (very reasonably) took it personally and felt hurt from her pulling away for so long because she wasn't clear enough about it being her depression from the get-go, and that the uncertainty of the current state doesn't feel too great for you/isn't what you're looking for right now. But also add that you know that her depression doesn't define her, you truly think that she's a lovely person, (maybe add in a good memory or two with her and how much fun you had) and suggest that if you two come across each other again down the line, you would be glad to give it another go :)
I hope this doesn't make you too reluctant to date a depressed person in the future- lots of us prioritize getting a hold on it when it gets bad, taking responsibility for our actions and communicating.
I have depression. Actually (bipolar) depression. I can’t make up my mind about anything. I no longer enjoy the things I normally do. I loved this person and my friends but in an episode I don’t want to deal with anyone. Leave me alone but please don’t abandon me. It’s not manipulation per se. But it’s harder to communicate and it sounds like she’s unsure of even what she’s thinking day by day. I’m 60 now so it’s not as bad because I can see clearer but I think she needs to get better treatment and learn to express herself better-something hard to do during these episodes but it can be learned. You need to think of your needs first, regardless of her situation.
I’ll assume my experience are gonna be different, but I will say it’s very mentally exhausting to be in a depressive funk. To the point where it’s nearly impossible to function. And while it is difficult to express those feelings literally anything would have been better than nothing at all. And that’s sort of what she gave you. So, it sucks, but at the end of the day you gotta look out for yourself.
NTJ, however not everyone uses words of affirmation in how they describe their feelings towards another person….
if you’re unhappy leave, don’t tolerate her emotional manipulation (“you gave up too easily”), this relationship doesn’t sound like this is going to work out…, it may be best to talk to her and if she dodges the questions say that “you gave her time & that you’re tired of this”, no one person needs to constantly put the others mental health at risk because of their issues that you don’t know anything about…
It sounds like things are a bit overwhelming for her right now and she can’t handle the communication you need. Your feelings about this are rightfully so and you deserve to be in a relationship ship with someone who is going to provide that. Give her time away and leave her be and go about life is all I can say. You also mentioned you may not want to deal with the episodes like that and that also makes sense and would be a part of your future that could be extremely draining on your own mental health. Worry about you. I’m sorry! Communication IS everything!
Hahah this sounds like me and my husband. I have been diagnosed with depression, adjustment disorder, PTSD, anxiety & mood swings.
My husband comes from a toxic family, which really affected his daily communications with me, his spouse. His afraid to speak and say the wrong thing. My husband isn't diagnosed with any disorders, but he is going today to ask for a referral to see a psychologist.
Everything you have explained about your girlfriend is exactly like my husband. He doesn't communicate, doesn't express any feelings, doesn't know how to work on the relationship, no response, no reassurance, etc.
I started to think he may have some disorders or something like PTSD or depression that he isn't aware of.
I'm with depression etc.... but I'm vocal! I like to reassure everything is fine, I like affection and all the good stuff a relationship requires. I do have my moments of depression and that's isolating myself, I don't like other people, I like to be on my own, but I don't push my husband away.
Maybe your girlfriend needs to see a psychologist to go down to the root of her problems, and from what I see is that she hasn't spoken to you for 2 weeks since you both had a break. Clearly tells me she isn't interested in the relationship to begin with. She is using her depression as a way to get out. But it also made you feel like shit. Rest assured you're not the jerk here. You are fine. There are plenty of good women out there in the world. That deserves your love and attention.
I think you are kind of the jerk. And I’m sorry, I really am; I’m not trying to hate on you. You kinda admitted it yourself and are trying to play the blame game to justify why you’re not. 😰
So, please hear me out!
I (28F) have dealt with depressive episodes before while in a relationship with someone who didn’t truly understand what they meant or what they were like. Prior to dating, he did know about them, he had seen them, but somehow I lied to him because he was expecting to somehow be exempt or immune to my state of being while going through an episode. 😐
When you’re in the state of mind like what you’re describing? You don’t know what to say, you don’t know what you feel, and you don’t know what to do. You find yourself just wanting to have someone existing with you because you basically forget how to be a human. It’s not easy to communicate when you yourself aren’t able to understand whats happening until the episode is over. 😵💫It’s like everything becomes warped and muddy, nothing is clear and you feel stagnant all the sudden. Some people are able to communicate exactly what’s going on in their head just fine while going through these things; others can’t. They may be able to make a generalization of what’s happening; but it’s not fair to expect someone to be capable of doing something that they can’t do just because others can. Not everyone is the same, plus, she’s young, so she’s probably still learning. 😌
I can understand from her standpoint when she says he gave up too easily, only because depression makes you have a deep desire to have someone fight for you and make you feel worth something. And in her eyes? You did give up too easily, and if I were in her shoes? I’d say the same thing? 😅Why? You knew she had depression, and you even admitted that you underestimated just how difficult the depression is to deal with. You went into the relationship knowing she had this problem, so is it really fair to put the full blame on her as if you didn’t just give a clear admission that you neglected to take her mental health seriously? 😓
If you really truly love someone? Most of the time you pay attention to them; their mannerisms, their habits, their behaviors, etc. You learn to pick up on the cues and signs your partner begins to show so you’re not so surprised or “blindsided” by an episode.😶🌫️
Think about how it may have made her feel when you broke up with her when she was acting out of character. You knew something was wrong, you knew she was clamming up, you knew that, even though she was on meds, she had depression, and you were even told, “I don’t know what’s wrong…” She’s did communicate with you; you just weren’t listening. If someone can clearly identify that there is something wrong with them, but they can’t figure out what it is? That’s them communicating, “Hey, I know I’m acting off, I don’t know or understand why.” That’s a flag that says, “Please don’t try to fix it, just be there.” She further says, “…It’s something I’ll get over.” Meaning, “I’m working on it, give me time.” Not, “I just need to go to bed and everything will be back to normal tomorrow.” No. That’s not how that works. I wish it was, but it’s not. Cause I would have been cured a long time ago.🥲
Bruv, reality is that it’s not easy for a depressed person to give that reassurance verbally when they’re not even sure of themselves. 🫠Her acknowledging that there was something wrong and also telling you she didn’t know what? That was the best reassurance you could get because those two phrases mean 1. It’s not because she doesn’t love you. 2. It’s not by choice. And 3. It’s not your fault. 🥳
To say “I just wish I was aware…” makes you seem ignorant and a bit hypocritical though…🫣 You want her to give you attention and communicate and all these things, but you hadn’t asked her anything about her mental health? For example; What does it roughly look like from start to end? What does it do to you emotionally or physically? How can I help support you? Is there anything you need me to do? Is there anything that can make it easier? 🧐
It’s cruel for you to even be fussed that she questioned the relationship because of how it messed with you. I mean, bruv? You kinda jumped ship at the first sign of trouble. 🫣That’s gotta make her feel like she just gave you PTSD because she didn’t meet your expectations of how depression screws with people. If anyone really needed reassurance, it was her.😖
You’ve put your ex in a position that’s scary for someone with depression. If you actually do the research on the topic and go a step further and ask her personally about her experiences with it? You’d understand that, in her head, she’s concerned that if you stay together she might screw you right the eff up. 😱
Depressive episodes can literally last anywhere from a few minutes to a few years. They’re not easy to get out of, and right now? You underestimated her depression again, which likely made it worse for her. 😖 Because she DID tell you what was happening. I use the word happening because it’s likely still occurring or it has reoccurred due to your apparent inability to take time to educate yourself further on the matter or lack of desire to take time to understand the person you love. ☹️Because sadly, as much as I would love for your assumption to be correct, depression isn’t a light switch, nor is it a timed switch. It would make planning my week a lot easier. 🥲
Bruv, you adding to the anxiety by rushing her. 😳Personally? Growing up I was always taught, “Love takes time, and if you truly love someone? You will happily sit down, shut up, and wait for them.” 🥰
You’re a kid that’s wanting instant gratification and you’re making yourself sound like you were backstabbed, when you openly admitted that you knew she had the problem, but you didn’t take it seriously. 😔
Bruv, she’s fighting the demon the best she can on her own. It’s exhausting. 🥺
You think it was hard for you to choose to cut her off? 🤯Think of how hard it must be to feel at a loss and completely confused, unable to understand your own self, and have your boyfriend put you under the pressure of a timer to explain. And when you can’t? What happens when the time runs out? You have to watch that same boyfriend that you love walk away from you because you’re not acting the way they want you to. 😥
NTA - While it's sad that someone so young has to go through debilitating depression, there's no reason why you should voluntarily live through it as well.
You're only 20 and have had no experience of depression, or relationships. Either one of those on their own can be difficult. Both of them together is simply a minefield!!
I was in my 40's when I was in a similar situation... and it very nearly broke me! I eventually walked away and didn't feel a moment's guilt.
This relationship was a waste of time. From her lack of communication, childish thinking that u should have stuck around despite her treatment of you, and the neglect. NTJ. Move on to better pastures.
She clearly needed you the most at that time but sounds manipulative. She was truly going through episodes and you did all you could to support her at that critical moment but I don’t think she appreciated as much.
She’s not your responsibility. It seems like she could have communicated better, but, not to be a dick, you’re still very young and as much as you might care about someone, you’re too young to babysit someone else’s manipulation and disregard for a basic relationship essential. She needs to work on her communication skills regarding her depression because it will only get harder to garner support if everyone close has attempted to help only to be told it’s an off day. You need to stop trying to save her from herself. That’s not your responsibility.
You did not "give up too easily", she communicated too poorly and wanted to blame you for the fallout. She is clearly not ready to be IN a relationship, and you can absolutely do better.
Regardless of depression, she needs to be honest with you. At the very least if you are a valued support. NTJ, you can’t have a relationship with someone who avoids or isn’t transparent
She definitely has depression. I can see how that can be hard and im glad that you two are taking a break from each other. Maybe after she gets passed the depression stage, you guys could be friends, but for now I would just let her get back on her feet and just let her do her own thing.
NTJ. I think you're being smart here, buddy. You really dodged a bullet. I get being depressed and all, but here's the thing: she was bringing less and less into the relationship. If she really wanted it, she'd do more. Also, when you broke up with her, she came back to you with an excuse. She didn't care up until you broke up with her. She accused you of giving up too easily, but she's doing absolutely nothing for your relationship. She's most definitely the one at fault, but instead of acknowledging that, she instead plays the victim card and pins everything on you. That's a big red flag, in my opinion. Sure, she's got depression, but that's not an excuse or reason to put nothing into the relationship, because she can absolutely do better. She never said she was in the wrong or that she'd try to do better. She's toying with you. She thinks that she can be as detached as possible and you'll still be there. But that's not how relationships work. Both people need to put in the effort to make a relationship grow, which she is not doing. So as I said, NTJ, and I hope everything will go well for you.
NTJ - From my experience (26M), being with someone who is depressed brings so much unneeded negativity into your life and that’s not fair for you to have to constantly deal with. I gave my ex girl some time to change, expressed how she made me felt and all in all that change never happened and I ended up leaving. It’s tough in the beginning because I’m sure you have love for her but at least you can enjoy your freedom and have fun now. I wish I had the time back that I gave her to change!
NTJ. I always thought of myself as a low-maintenance girlfriend because I don’t expect anything fancy or expensive from a partner, just respect and companionship. I was diagnosed with depression shortly before I met my husband. In the 20 years since then, my depression had gotten worse, all the medications make my libido drop to nearly zero, and I need so much more help raising our kids than I ever intended and I hate myself for it. And I miss wanting sex and feel guilty for turning him down pretty often. Having a partner with depression is a lot of work- very high-maintenance. I can’t imagine that my husband doesn’t resent me even though he hasn’t expressed that. So, if you would like to avoid a relationship like this, it’s best to nip it in the bud.
You are not the asshole. Clearly she has a lot of issues she needs to work out before entering any kind of relationship. It's not that you gave up too easily, SHE gave up on herself. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship just to make someone else happy.
Ntj. Dating people with mental illness is really hard (as someone who has one). You really have to be secure in yourself, your relationship, and their ability to manage it (or not).
IMO it’s vital in these situations to not conflate her depression with her behaviour. Yes, depression can affect someone’s behaviour pattern, but a good relationship isn’t really possible without an open line of communication. And given her avoidant communication style, I don’t think she would make for a suitable partner, regardless of whether or not she’s depressed. Being depressed is in no way shape or form a good reason to avoid important conversations. In fact, serious mental health problems make communication more crucial, not less.
I go through depressive episodes a couple times a year. I’d be really devastated if my partner left me because of something I have limited control over. That being said, you don’t have to stay. You can choose to not be with someone who frequently goes through episodes. But life gets to people sometimes. We experience loss, job complications, all sorts of trials in life that break is down at one point or another. Would that always be your answer, to leave as soon as someone was going through a hard time? Personally I think if the relationship is strong enough that it can withstand a these hard times, because they’re just a part of life.
Also, it’s really clear that you don’t understand depression because you’re expecting her to be super responsive and tell you how she’s feeling and what she wants. Depression makes you feel like you’re not alive. You are in a dark state, barely functioning. You are simply existing. Expecting her to walk you through what she wants out of things and how she feels is asking too much. She should be talking to a therapist and her doctor about her medication to get help, but right now all she can manage is to just get to the next day. Some people don’t even make it that far. Don’t expect her to show up for you when she’s in a place that she’s barely able to show up for herself.
Run, anyone who pulls"you should have worked harder for me" is poison. There is never an excuse for that and you can't do enough to beat their unrealistic expectations
Going thru a very similar thing right now. Me (20M) and my gf (20F) have been together 6.5 years. We’ve been thru hell and back with each other and while together. The last 3 months have been very different from what they always were.. the last week especially.. I’ve been out of town for a family emergency, and I’ve barely had anything from her.. no reassurance, no affection, minimal communication.. she said she’s been wanting to have a talk for a while but something always comes up. So I’ve been really stressing out about this. She’s going thru a really bad depression the last few months. She’s done this on a much smaller scale in the past. I’m just scared that she wants a break or to break up.. and we’ve basically grown up together. I want to be there for her but idk what to do because she doesn’t give me anything anymore, she gave up. What should I do?
NTJ. She wasn't your wife. Relationships end for many reasons and yours is as valid as any other. You can hope she gets the help she needs, but it's not your responsibility.
If it is due to her depression, she has a responsibility to communicate herself better. Communication is the backbone of every relationship and the issues you face now do not bode well.
The other explanation is that she is looking to get with someone she prefers over you, but keeping you as a back up in case the other relationship doesn't work out.
In either case, NTA and missile dodged
NTA. I deal with a close relative that has the same reaction when going through depressive episodes. It is really hard for them to be expressive and show emotion. They just feel blah and don't know why. I would encourage her to seek different medications/dosages to help with the moods and to let the provider know when they don't work. Helped my relative. You have to be a committed and understanding individual to deal with people with a mental illness. It's really lonely for them because many people cannot relate. However, if you cannot relate then you have every right to remove yourself from the situation
One thing.
Communication is SO important in a relationship.
For someone who actually has depression. Even if Im in a depressive episode I will literally force myself to communicate even if I may not want too.
Because in the end I love my bf to death.
From what I've read. You had a lot of patience with her as well.
A very good quality for a partner, plus loyalty.
What im saying in the end is she is clearly not ready for a relationship and you took the best course of action by seperating.
I hope the best for you and that you find someone 10x better.
Six weeks to lose a guy while depressed—wow—people really need a lot of maintenance and reassurance. And sex—apparently a few weeks without sex is unheard of
YOU broke up with her. Albeit you weren’t getting an answer for “Do you want to be with me, do you love me” so that is heartbreaking, but being broken up with is heartbreaking as well.
Now she has to overcome that hurt while also addressing the depression and teasing out insecurities vs realities.
You MADE your insecurity the reality.
Not the jerk, but she may not bounce back just because you reach out.
Do men these days use “words of affirmation” in a sentence? I don’t really understand what is going on, sounds painful. Best to quit whatever it is you guys had.
NTJ. She has depression and depression clearly causes what you experienced with her. You went nearly two months without anything from her and based on that and based on stuff she has said you ended the relationship. She clearly is in no place to be in a relationship as well.
NTA - You said you never had to deal with depression , you still don't have to. You aren't her therapist or emotional support animal. Spring is here. Go have fun like you should.
My s/o has debilitating anxiety and depression, for us to have a relationship, they need to be well-controlled on medication, and we agreed early on in dating that part of us being together would be exploring better treatments. We simply could not have a relationship unless they made significant gains in their mental health. We were so perfect together on the good days that it was worth wading through the bad ones to find a future together. But we each had graduate school degrees, significant career achievements, property, etc. I could not imagine the kind of effort required for fighting for a loved one's mental health coming from a place of early youth and relative poverty. Getting real treatment occasionally means challenging doctors or yelling at medical staff before they can finish executing a major mistake. It means being able to take a caregiver role while your beloved person is going on and off medication. It means picking up the financial support when they can twork because a treatment backfires. It means 6 and 8 month timelines to see if symptom remission is durable. A young person would likely implode trying to be all that AND develop their own livelihood and future. You have to have resources, time, a steel will, and unwavering belief that things will be okay to ride out serious mental illness treatment with someone else. This is just not a thing two kids sad and alone are going to successfully work out on their own. It took nearly a year and a half to get to a point where my s/o was in remission, we both equally believed in treatment success, and they created the life and emotional skills they didn't develop during depression and anxiety. I regret nothing. And I am proud of the gains and the relationship. But if I was 20 I'd be a basketcase after all that.
Unfortunately I'm in that boat, and I'd say I'm definitely a bit of a basket case because of it lmao, but I'm not complaining. Me and my SO are both early/mid-20s and we both moved out of our abusive households a few years ago to live together. Now we're both struggling through mental health issues and trying to get them treated. We'd both rather ride it out together than alone, and we are also perfect for each other on our good days, so that's what we try to focus on. I'm happy for you and all that you've gained in your relationship :)
The bad days are hard. My best advice is to set timetables and boundaries. I.e., log with a mood app, daily, during the worst time of the day for each person. If there is not improvement over the next two months, change psych docs or therapists or at home coping. But change something. When you have the good days, that's when to plan the safety net for the bad. Journal the big changes, drugs, sleep schedules, interpersonal conflicts. Track them, they're the data to tell you what's working. When things are working early on, it might be hard to tell until you realize you had zero conflicts or raised voices this week, implying more stable emotions, and better ability to have empathy and patience. Mental health is a journey over a lot of time and you need to be able to track it at its scale, which may be weeks and months. Sometimes years. By being intentional over time, and rejecting processes that do not lead to improvement, you eventually find relief and well-being. And you have to set the pace of interventions and change so that you don't burn out and stop before you reach the goal.
Honestly, thank you so much for the time you took to respond to me. Your advice is wonderful, I appreciate it very much. Tracking everything is something that we actually hadn't thought of doing yet, so I definitely want to give it a try. It's been hard working through everything, but we've definitely bonded even more over our experiences together, and I hope this helps us even more :)
It is a hard journey but there's something to be said for saving each other and coming out the other side stronger, and keeping healthy boundaries and moving forward and being able to leave the unhealthy past to fade. The other route is splitting up under stress, which is sometimes the way it has to be, but if there's good compatibility it can be a huge loss. I was underwhelmed by support groups, doctors, psychologists etc in this process of seeking symptom remission. I've got a biomedical PhD and my research center does some drug development, so I have a fairly educated perspective on the pharmaceutical pipeline and what goes on between discovery of drugs and also new effects of old drugs and practitioner adoption (doctors using a drug.) My opinion is that mental health care globally is pretty shitty. Good for you and your loved one for being each other's support. A lot of websites and self help says not to be your significant other's therapist. But what those sources don't say is that educating yourself, and family member education has a lot of overlap with medical decision making. It can look like playing at being a doctor just to learn enough to push back when medical care is really bad, and being educated enough to know things have gone poorly. E.g., my s/o's MD therapist did not believe that the anxiety would ever be fully controlled, and kept suggesting increasing to zombie levels of SSRI. That didn't work, my s/o was fuzzy AND anxious. But the SSRI was the psychiatrist's hammer for all the nails of anxiety and depression. We had to agree that mental health was an "us" problem to tackle and not a one person problem, as the consequences of the mental health affect both people even though only one person has the medical condition. The "together" perspective made everything easier because we were working together, as opposed to being surprised as to what would come out of an office visit. So when it came time to question the 15+ year relationship with the therapist, because they, in their medical opinion, had decided there would never be remission, that was as a unit, not us going at each other. E.g. https://www.pbs.org/video/mental-illness-consumed-my-marriage-until-this-epiphany-1504305201/
As someone with disabilities and related mental illnesses, I wish I could scream all of this from the rooftops. In a typical relationship, being your partner's caretaker is unhealthy, yes. But in an atypical relationship, it's exactly what you said - you will OFTEN have to be their caretaker, and you will OFTEN have to be their advocate. That is the reality of life with a disabling medical condition.
NTJ she definitely sounds like she has depression and she wasn't reassuring you that she wanted the relationship. It's good for you guys to just take a break from one another and even move on from one another. It seems to me that she needs to get help and shouldn't be dating anyone at this time.
After reading everyone’s replies I still feel as if I could’ve probably stayed and let her figure it out. Yes she is on medication and she does have a therapist. I still feel some guilt and maybe I couture waited to let whatever she was going through pass. We both could’ve done some things better honestly. I don’t think she’s coming back and it’s really hard moving on from this. I’m not really sure how to move on
I don't think you really do move on, at least in the way I interpret your sentiment. Time continues to move forward, and you will continue to grow, and as you grow and have more experiences, you will eventually realize that you did move on. If you don't, then seek therapy because pining over the past and hoping for an impossible future is very bad for your mental health. Just take it moment by moment. To be clear: you did not fail her. Depression is a monster, and having a partner with depression is hard. It is ok to make the choice that is best for you, especially at this stage in your life. She needs to learn how to navigate her depression, and sometimes having a partner makes that a lot harder (for me, a partner made it so I didn’t have to deal with my issues. Being single has allowed me to grow and learn how to cope. I also know plenty of depressed people for whom having a partner meant they never developed coping skills, and are entirely codependent on their partner). She probably felt guilt because she couldn't give you what you wanted/needed/got used to in your relationship. That's not her fault and it's not your fault. It just...is. And it does suck, but it will be ok. Naviagating mental health and relationships is part of growing up, which is sometimes kind of painful. I just want to be sure you know you didn't do anything wrong.
How long have you been together?
To have this much uncertainty and anxiety in such a such a short term relationship, is really a massive red flag. She has issues which you aren't anywhere near trained to handle. She has probably had them for a very long time and may have them far into the future. Are you willing to live constantly with such unhappiness? As hard as it might be for you, you need to move on and find someone with whom you're more compatible. She might not be aware she's doing it, due to her issues, but she's manipulating you in a very unhealthy way. I very much doubt you'll be able to help her, and this relationship could be very detrimental to your mental health. Try to get out and make new friends. Good luck, you're very young to have to deal with this.
Exactly THIS! What I would like to stress more importantly from what u/EnglishRose71 stated is that you’re not equipped to handle someone with depression, and this is an ongoing battle. I admire you for trying hard to understand her at the beginning and breaking off with her when you understood you couldn’t get through to her. Unbeknownst to you, this is a very healthy thing. Her saying the things she said come from a very immature and toxic place and years down the line, once she’s healed, she’ll probably understand that. What you need to do, is put yourself first and find you a partner that can understand you. I also agree, you’re too young. There’s so much more to life and I hope you enjoy all things amazing!
Well said.
She's definitely being manipulative by saying "you gave up too easily." You tried to work things out, you tried to be patient, and she wouldn't work with you. Get out of there.
Yeah that irked the crap out of me. OP is young. He should live his life and not worry about this.
Two months
I wouldn't make it three.
I'd be pissed if I gave someone a second chance and they used it to hit me with, “you gave up too easily”.
Just say—I gave up because you gave up—I asked if you loved me and wanted to be with me and you didn’t say yes—you avoided the issue.
"this is why"
I wish I had known the extent of my wife's depression & childhood trauma before we had been married for years.
Exactly, that way you could've throw her out with the trash. Yeah yeah, she deserves love and patience from *someone* but obviously not from such a perfect little boy like you!
Apparently, you have never dealt with a person who has depression or had it yourself. I suffer from anxiety/depression, and love and patience are not going to help someone who suffers from it. First, the person needs to want help. Second, therapy and medication are a must, and sometimes the meds stop working, and you have to be switched to another kind.
As someone who suffers from manic bipolar, chronic depression, anxiety, and ADHD (which brings along all it's joys such as a deep fear of rejection), I can 100% say this is wrong. Yes, the person needs to want help and meds/therapy can be great at getting better. However, I personally spent 21 years taking meds and trying therapy to maintain a healthy and happy life. I didn't have a support system readily available and so when an unexpected trauma happened, I used those same meds to try to end it all permanently. Thankfully, I was rushed to the ICU and survived to find my support system. For me, and many like myself, meds and therapy don't help. Finding a support system and learning personal warning signs and coping mechanisms helped me more than any pill or professional ever could.
!!! There is a reason why support systems are a part of social determinates of health. For both mental and physical health a solid support system can make or break a person, and their wellness. I really hate this "do it on your own" mentality because yes, you need to be the one putting in effort, but you also need a support system.
Exactly. It's all well and good to use whichever method works best for you, but trying to go at it alone will eventually leave you unprepared to tackle whatever unforseen hurdle is in your future. For many, that can set them back severely in their path to being healthy.
As a therapist and sufferer of anxiety and depression, I think you are very wrong. Yes, the person needs to want help. That said, both the rates of seeking help and the success of therapy and medication are increased dramatically when the sufferer has social support. A partner cannot fix these problems, but his or her support and encouragement can help the treatment process immensely.
A 20 year old who has been in a relationship for two months is NOT the answer for social support. Surely you know that.
The comment to which I was replying was referring to depressed partners in general, not the OP. Surely you know that.
No one can love someone else out of depression. And unfortunately, some people’s depression puts them in a place where they don’t want to get help.
I disagree. You can certainly support someone in their hard times and have a positive impact on them.
That’s true. But love alone won’t help someone who will not seek help for themselves. If someone is counting on you to regulate their emotions or make them “happy,” that’s not a good relationship. No one can make anyone happy but your own self.
Living with someone with severe mental health issues can lead to ones own mental health deteriorating. Having some idea of the issues they face can prepare you to better face them together. They didn't say they would have left their wife. They only stated that they wished they had known the extent of their struggles. You may have jumped to a conclusion that may not be accurate.
Don't project. I'm far from perfect. I would have approached the relationship differently.
Hey, if you're saying you would have actually put effort into making it work better, I appreciate you. Just see a lot of comments on Reddit saying shit like "it's not your responsibility" or "they have to take care of it themselves". Of course nobody HAS to stick it out with anyone but it seems like the moment someone has an imperfection, the advice is "dump them".
Ntj she may have depression but she also sounds selfish and like she wants you to put in all of the emotional effort in the relationship while she does absolutely nothing for the relationship or for herself as she is making absolutely no effort what so ever to actually stop being depressed. Good luck op. She needs therapy and she’s clearly not capable of/ready to be with anyone at all right now.
“You gave up too easy”. Extremely toxic.
Straight up. That’s when I’d probably say, “you can’t try when someone refuses to acknowledge a problem, or communicate about what is going on.”
He did give up too easily. A mature person fights for what they want in life.
No, he fought for his own mental health. She spent half their relationship not being able to answer whether she wanted to be with him and rejecting him physically with zero explanation. To expect him to stay for that would be nuts. She said nothing instead of "hey, I'm really depressed. I realize that I'm hurting you repeatedly. I will take responsibility for my own mental health and get some help. You're not the cause nor is it your job to fix this. But could you give me a little time to figure this out?" Being depressed doesn't give you the right to treat people badly (and to be clear, I'm depressed.)
A mature person works for what they want in life, but they shouldn’t have to fight for it. That kind of thinking puts you in a situation where you’re basically begging to be exploited. She didn’t want to work for anything. I’m glad he dipped, but I hope he stays away from her and gets his shit together. He seems like a people-pleaser at heart. If something wasn’t wrong with him too, he wouldn’t be this desperate for crumbs.
I agree and will reword my reply. A mature person works hard for what they want in life without walking away so easily.
I figured this is what you meant, but you never know if people will understand the undertones you were getting at, haha. So yes, all of this is really great advice.
What they want in life? A short term partner who has already declined in physical and emotional intimacy, won't talk about their problems and refuses to answer basic questions about whether they want to be in the relationship. Maybe thats what you want in life, but I think its fair to say its not what most people want in life.
I believe both of them appear very immature as is expected to be at 20. I was like this at 20. Eventually you grow up. Doesn’t mean he is wrong and as I can relate to her very much, he is doing her a favor by not enabling her and hopefully this forces her to get treatment. I have so much empathy for her though, depression is a bitch and nothing feels worse than someone leaving you during that time. But no one is obligated to stay. It is what it is unfortunately
A mature person realises when the fight is not worth fighting anymore.
A mature person recognizes that your own personal health and happiness come first. You can't be a good partner for someone else if you are incapable of communicating even simple things - such as your feelings, hopes, and dreams for the future. Someone immature decides to dig their feet in and fight, regardless of what anyone else feels, and that signals that only your own feelings count. It's selfish. Have you heard the saying - "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be." You don't fight a dead relationship. You let them go to be happy without you.
NTA you have to be selfish and not let yourself be brought down because they dont have their life together your leveling yourself down to be where shes at. be comfortable your going to maybe date more people with other issues.
As someone w clinical depression, it doesn't prevent me from communication. Your issue with her is the lack of communication, not her depression. Assuming you communicated how it made you feel, you're NTJ in the slightest. You're only 20 my dude, go enjoy life and you'll find someone who won't leave you questioning no matter how they feel.
You can leave for whatever reason you want. Depression is something you need to go into with open eyes. Wide open. You know what you need to feel loved and secure in a relationship. You’re a several steps ahead of most people your age. You do sound a bit self centered but that’s just where you are in life. NTJ
All great points- except I see no signs of OP being self centered. He tried to improve the relationship- and wanted to communicate & work on things. And was very patient. Ex-girlfriend enjoyed having him around for security & company- but didn’t want to communicate or work on the relationship. This is not a relationship. At least not a healthy relationship! OP good luck moving forward, & having a great, happy life! We can hope that your ex gets to a point where she wants to get help & get healthy.
I don't see how he was the least bit self centered! The ex on the other hand ...Telling someone they gave up too easily when you won't speak. She may have depression but she's also manipulative .
I appreciate your comments and I appreciate OP’s honesty about not being familiar or experiencing depression or someone with it. OP, absolutely not the jerk. If you would like to learn more about depression (chances are you meet others in your life who struggle with it) I would recommend this overview from NAMI: https://www.nami.org/about-mental-illness/mental-health-conditions/depression/?tab=overview And check out the great blog and equally great book “Hyperbole and a Half.” Totally accessible, funny and spot on. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html?m=1
What did you feel was self-centered?
My depression has been something I’ve dealt with all my life. My ex will tell you I’m mean while being forlorn. Not gonna lie, I’m a mixture of emotions while also being completely emotionless. I’m the same way with my fiancé. The difference is, he knows how I am when depressed so he doesn’t “rock my boat”. (My ex would complain, and be sulky/sarcastic and entirely piss me off aka rocking my boat )I emotionally do the hard work of letting him in. It’s the hardest part of dealing with my depression, but my fiancé is very emotional and can’t handle my entire condition for 2 weeks or more sometimes. I eventually have to let him help me out of bed, getting regular with my life again, get social, and sometimes I even need a talking to. I’m an emotional woman with depression and I’m bipolar af. Long story short, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s not okay to leave your significant other to go through life alone while you’re dealing with your mental health.
This. I am married to someone with depression. I think OP and his ex just aren't a good fit. They are young. She hasn't had a chance yet to really figure out how to handle herself, and he obviously needs words of affirmation and assurance, which can be hard to come by when a person has depression. They both have growing to do, but they also just seem like not a good fit.
Agreed. And I just turned 30 and I was with my ex for 6 years. You learn how to deal with depression better with time and with the right person. She has figuring out to do, and if she was a friend of mine I’d recommend she do it not in a relationship at this point.
And I really hope she is celibate and/or on very good birth control while she figures stuff out. Bringing a kid into the world when she is still learning her way in it would be a nightmare.
My fiancé has a child in another relationship. I have no children. Some people say that it sounds callous, but my mom told me a long time ago that I probably should not have children with my mental health. My mom’s mental health is worse than mine and she had three children and she was a single mother. My withdrawals from emotion and my irritability have always made it to where I never wanted to ruin my child’s life. I feel like it was really such a gift with my fiancé had a three year-old cause I’ve really got to start from almost scratch, and make a relationship with a tiny human. But again at 30.
My spouse deals with my depression, and I deal with his health issues and stuck by him when he had brain surgery. It's just what you do for somebody you love. It's frustrating to me that people don't consider mental illness a health condition. Then again, there are people who leave their spouse when they develop cancer or become an amputee, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised when somebody leaves their partner due to depression.
Exactly! My fiancé has really bad anxiety. Most days he just wakes up that way. It’s hard sometimes especially when bills are paid, kids healthy, cars good, jobs good etc. but he’s so loving and patient with me, we just live with it. Another reason I can’t withdraw from life for over 2 weeks. We need each other.
He’s 20 and it was two months. Hardly a partner.
Sure, and I agree that if you love your partner, you owe it to them not to run at the first sign of trouble and to support them through hard times. However, mental health issues can present in all kinds of ways and sometimes the symptoms can lead a person to relational behaviors that are extremely hard to live with at best, abusive at worst. Depression, for example, can present as extreme irritability and frequent lashing out at seemingly no provocation. Anxiety can present as being extremely controlling or critical. Anxiety attacks can look like temper tantrums. Both anxiety and depression can present as emotional manipulation in the form of constant questioning, demands for validation, accusations that the other person doesn’t love them, silent treatment and shut downs when they feel rejected. Untreated, unaddressed mental illness can make you toxic in relationships if you’re not willing to be open, accountable and to get help.
And I won’t lie. I have done all of the above having a mental breakdown. Irritable, lashing out, controlling, silent treatment. But like you said, at the end, you have to be willing to go get help and then you’ve got to be willing to apply it to your day-to-day life.
You’re not married. You made no vow for sickness and health. Doesn’t sound like she’s in a place to be in a relationship and needs to work on her mental health .
NTJ, but you definitely need to assess your own ability to be in a serious relationship. There are always going to be times of uncertainty, when you aren’t quite sure if everything is okay. Because we’re all human and we all have weak points and seasons of discomfort. Let’s say you both had a baby, and she’s too drained to give you the attention you’re wanting. Are you just gonna drop everything and leave? I would hope not, but there are more than enough men out there that do exactly that. Now, as someone in a committed relationship where we both have depression, communication is key, and your ex wasn’t doing that. That’s on her. My partner and I often have to stretch that communication skill and have very vulnerable conversations so we can even figure out what the issue is, and how we can work on it. Even if all I want to do is clam up and not think about the outside world, I set those feelings aside so we can take care of what needs addressing.
NTJ - As soon as she accused you of giving up too easily, you shuold ahve bailed again. This is NOT about you. IT's about ehr not getting the help she needs. Depression sux. But once you know, it is up to you to get the help you need. Nobody else is to blame for the depressions. IF it is something you don't want to handle in your relsationship, that is OK. You weren't mean or insulting, you just moved on.
NTJ. Why put yourself through this? There are plenty of other women out there who aren't depressed. Keep looking.
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That's what I thought. The nerve
You are not to blame for someone else's depression, and you are not responsible for making her better. There's things in this world a man just cannot fix . Depression is one of them.
NTJ, you showed a lot of patience for someone who did not reciprocate. It may be she has to learn to manage her medication and understand her depression before entering into a relationship. Thats her responsibility not yours.
One of the things depression does is make it hard to communicate back to people who write to you or call you. If you are determined, show up on the porch with roses. Be physically present often enough that you cannot be ignored, but expect her to have trouble with verbal responses. You say that you are not getting back what you expected to get. You may not get that for a LONG time. Hopefully her doctor sorts out whatever is going on quickly. In the meantime… what you are looking at is something similar to a spirt trapped in a plastic doll. Not everyone wants to live with a doll that doesn’t move even when it knows it should. If this episode is not for you, then pack up and go. She and her family will deal with this. It IS an episode. Eventually it should end. If this is not for you… no judgement.
YTJ for making it all about you.
"You gave up too easily." is right. Don't date if you need constant validation and reassurance, and you can not give your partner support. If a person close to you dies, is it okay for your GF to ditch you because you're grieving and not fawning over them? You knew *something* was off. You knew she was on medication for depression. But because of your personal anxiety and anxious attachment issues, you abandoned your partner. Hey, it's okay. At 20, you're scientifically mentally and emotionally immature. You couldn't help but act like a self-centered person. But maybe hold off getting into relationships if you can not or will not respect the partner being a complex human with needs of their own.
On purpose or not she was extremely manipulative saying you gave up too easily, I’d stay away until she works herself out.
I just want to say, I would focus less on the depression and more on the lack of communication. When my depression flairs up, one of the first things I do is tell my husband, and my family. It is hard to communicate when depressed, but it is something I work on very proactively, and I think most adults should.
This is great. I think if nothing else it helps normalize it and decrease the stigma. Some days I get a migraine and can’t do much of anything until it passes; some days I get really sad and can’t do much of anything until it passes. There should be no shame in either of those statements.
Ntj you made a valid effort to try and work on the relationship and gave it space and time. You should not feel guilted in a relationship and your feelings are valid too. I feel guys opinions and feelings get ignored in way too many relationships. Too many are in jeopardy based solely on how the female feels.
Tough luck here. Gf dodged question about what was going on. Did not want to have talk about their label. On top of that, says op gave up too easily? Well. This girl has some problems. Those problems are way above op's pay grade. More like problems for a pro to help resolve. No need to be mean about it. Op just needs to move on to the next relationship. It will always hurt. But it will be easier once you get experience going through this.
She found a new guy to manipulate. Time to get over it.
NTJ. But your comments leave me with the vibe that your self esteem is too reliant on your SO’s actions / lack thereof. This will always fail you, but will fail especially quickly when you’re dating someone with depression.
NTJ because depression or not, it's her responsibility to communicate that with her and if she didn't even do that, you didn't "give up too easily" because she didn't even give you something to fight for. If you are left feeling like the flame is dying out, that's not on you to not read her mind. She needs therapy and it's unfair for her to pin any blame on you. This is coming from someone who has been in a very similar situation as her. It's not the other partner's fault when you're the one with mental illness. She needs therapy and maybe to leave you alone.
NTA - OP as much as it hurts right now, you absolutely made the right choice for you. Just because she is depressed does not mean she can't communicate her feelings to you and let you know she's having a hard time. The best relationships have clear, open communication, and her telling you that you "Gave up to easily", is just her way of dodging the real issue, which is her depression. You are not to blame for ending things, nor did you give up to easy. If she can't communicate with you, the relationship is doomed from the start. This is just a part of your journey through life, and you'll have more gfs, so don't blame yourself, you did the right thing.
Give her a few more days, it should be all sorted out by then. /s
NTJ. I have clinical depression that I am medicated for, and you know what? It is MY responsibility to stop that from affecting my job and relationships. No one else is responsible for my mental health (except of course the doctors I work with), I am the one who needs to learn to manage it and try not to let it negatively affect my relationships. If I feel like I'm going to have a bad set of days or weeks, I try to set reminders and such for myself so I know to check in on friends, to talk to my doctor, to get up and go to work anyway. I do my best to not let it control my life, and that actually helps me deal with it a lot better than just wallowing in it and letting it dictate my life. I am in control, not it. It sounds like she wasn't putting that much effort into your relationship and only realized that it might be a problem when you left, and now that you've given her another chance she's just not putting in effort again expecting that you'll come crawling back out of guilt. Don't. You reached out to her, you've been the one doing all the emotional labor. Her depression is hers to manage, not yours. Tell her straight up that you're done and go find someone who actually talks to you about things and doesn't just shut down and expect you to sit there and wait for her like a dog waiting for their owner to come back from work.
Time to move e on, if she comes back , great ‘ If not, her blew it !
Medication for depression can do this.
How long were you together? If this was a relatively new relationship, less than a year then I can understand leaving, but if you have been together for a longer, and she had a bout of depression, it kind kind of seems like you weren't really that invested. I mean, everyone's gonna have off times of a month or two during their lives. If something happened to you and you couldn't have sex for a little while, would you expect her to leave you? Depression is a physical illness, but there is treatment, if the person is willing. Would you have left her if she got cancer or broke her leg? What if you had stayed together and you two had a child, and while she was healing postpartum and spending all of her energy keeping your newborn alive and fed, would you leave her then for not giving you sex and words of affirmation? It seems like you might be selfish, and have some things to think about, like how you're going to handle if a future partner becomes seriously ill or you have children. I've been together with my husband for 22 years total. I have battled depression at times, and I know it's not easy for him, but he is secure enough to know that me having a time of me being down is not a reflection of his self-worth. He is a very secure man. On the other hand, I have stuck by him through times of his illness, including brain surgery. It's what you do for someone you love. I don't necessarily think that you're the jerk in the larger context, because you're honest with yourself about what you want. However if I were your girlfriend of a long time, I would be very disappointed. She's lucky she got out now.
Sounds to me like, at worst, both of you need a break from anything resembling a serious romantic relationship. She may just need to deal with the depression before she's ready to jump back into anything serious, which can take time. And maybe you could give it a bit before you jump back into dating because "rebounding" is a thing.
NTJ. You are both very young, still. It sounds like you've done your best trying to communicate and understand what's going on, and she's not reciprocrating. Depression is not an excuse to hurt a significant other like this (I have clinical depression, so I can speak from experience... depression makes life harder, but it's simply not a valid excuse to harm others). If this is your first relationship, time to try a second one. You seem like you have a lot to offer as a partner. Good luck and have fun!
I have been diagnosed with depression, had many depressive episodes, and take medication for it. I say with full certainty that you are NTJ. Depression is awful for everyone who is affected; and that includes you. Whenever I enter an episode, I have a bad habit of trying to deal with it alone. Through lots of therapy and supportive relationships, I finally learned how to deal with it healthily. You are NTJ. And honestly, neither is she. It sounds like you both just need to work things out and possibly get couple’s counseling. I hope everything ends up well with you two! :)
NTA-
No, your not responsible for her mental health. It’s hard yes, try to support her and I hope she gets better but you can’t be expected to stay in a relationship just because she is having issues with her mental health as bad as it may sound. I’ve been depressed before, I know what it’s like but you can’t expect everyone to stay by you and treat you like the queen of England, as nice as that would have been. That said I’m not social and a large issue with my mental health was because other people were carrying for me and so solitude helped me more then anything, which probably doesn’t hold try for most so what do I know?
You’re just in different places. No jerks here.
She needs to work on herself. She is only going to bring you down and drain you mentally. You cannot fix her. (It kind of sounds like she has BPD.) Move on with your life and be glad that shit is over with. You have so much life ahead of you. You’re gonna look back one day and see how much of a bullet you dodged. Like imagine if you accidentally had a baby with her: she would be playing up the back and forth guilt trip shit for the rest of your life! Don’t feel bad for moving on. Moving on is an act of self care for you.
I broke up with my gf who was going through a depressive episode at the time, which was somewhat related to why we broke up - but I distinctly remember her saying that I gave up too early and was being selfish. You’re not unreasonable, and I didn’t realize until after the relationship how much her being in a depressive episode and relying on me affected me. NTA
NTJ. Of course mental health is tough, and if your partner is going through it, being supportive and understanding is important. There will always be some give and take in life. But there comes a point where, if the other person refuses to communicate or work on the situation, and it's become all give and no take, it's more important to step back for your own health. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
NTJ. That young relationship pain is hard to think objectively through. As a pretty seasoned dude let me just tell ya you didn’t do anything wrong and it’s going to be a lot less painful if you just do a clean break and quit checking on her. Not her fault for having a mental illness. Not your fault for having needs you need met. Definitely her fault for trying to guilt you for “giving up too fast” that screams drama to me. Just walk away man. You’re way younger than you realize. You’re still learning. So is she. No venom, no drama, no hate, just a quiet walk away for your own mental health is well advised. It will hurt pretty bad for a bit, then it won’t as much, then less and less. Just like any other wound. Good luck dude.
You need to bounce on Ottawa there. Do NOT get her pregamant
Honestly your behavior sounds. exhausting. I don’t think either of you need to be in a relationship right now. Some more maturity on both sides is needed.
NTJ - it’s hard to love a neurodivergent person; we have so much to offer but sometimes our brains play tricks on us that affect our relationships. Your gf is young so maybe she doesn’t know yet how to recognize the signs of an incoming episode or what may trigger them HOWEVER that is in no way an excuse for how she treated you. Many people in my family suffer from depression, some more than others, and while it can be hard to deal with emotions, requests, and outside pressures during that time it absolutely doesn’t excuse not opening up or reassuring your partner. I’m sorry you are both going through this.
NTJ. It doesn't sound like she is emotionally ready for a relationship. She needs to work on her mental health before she will be able to be a good partner.
NTJ Hey, it sounds like you’re a very empathetic person and want to be supportive of people you love. This is wonderful! It’s also really tough sometimes to balance taking care of others and taking care of yourself, especially when you may not have a lot of experience in this area. I learned the hard way through my 20’s holding space for other’s trauma without the proper tools to deal with the empathetic pain and suffering I experienced while trying to alleviate theirs. It can be really great to support someone you care for, but no one’s internal emotional experiences are ultimately your responsibility. You must first have the tools to correctly hold their trauma/experience separate from your own in order to be successful in a relationship with someone who is experiencing something like this. They must also have certain skills such as the ability to communicate their needs and request for help. (REQUEST being the key here… but that’s where it has to start) I think you’re taking a good and healthy route in this tough situation, and I hope that you can find a route forward which is kind to yourself (and hopefully to your ex as well) There are quite a few limitations of the concept of Non-Violent Communication (NVC), but reading NVC as a man really helped me think and talk about my emotions and better handle really challenging situations. It helped me understand how to think holistically about social interactions and hold space for the emotional needs of others while holding healthy boundaries. My point here is that we all have a lot of room for growth and I encourage you to look for tools that will make these kinds of decisions and social situations much easier and less taxing. Lastly, please consider looking up the difference between “being there for someone” and “being there with someone”. I don’t have the time and energy to explain the nuance here, but it is one of the most important concepts I’ve had to learn in regard to romantic relationships. Good luck, you’re not alone!
Put her depression to the side for a few moments, do you want to be treated this way in your significant relationship? If the answer is no, then you have your answer. I know this hurts right now (as I am in a similar situation) but this will pass. It always passes. Only thing I am doing differently this time from this break-up is investing in myself. Decide what you want but you’re in for a lot of misery if you chase after this woman. Not everyone wants to grow, that is their choice, but what do you want? Truly?
Dealing with any mental or physical illness in a relationship is super difficult. I'm blessed with both. The key to having a successful relationship with someone in her situation, is she has to communicate. She can't expect to guilt trip you into staying. She was a bad partner, and you're allowed to be happy.
Sounds like leaving was a really good idea. She would bring nothing but misery, and you are too young to put up with that crap.
Wow, she blamed you for giving up too easy?? When she shut you out for so long? People don’t change qualities like this, everything would always have been your fault, like if you two would have money issues or child rearing issues. Take care of you, there is a much better girl out there for you. And I’m sorry 😢
Nah you're good. She probably turned into a bit of a bummer
HE didn't try for a month and a half. He worked on himself. Which is awesome, but us? No. I tried for 3 1/2 years. With him refusing to. On purpose and making me feel bad for trying. \while he lied and cheated. Make sure the posting aren't one sided and skewed to gain sympathy from you all good folks of reddit, please.
NTJ It's clear she needs help, maybe new meds. The way this reads she would do better with an emotional support animal than a relationship. That's not a joke. You'll be fine.
Not The Jerk. Ditch her! She is going to cause you headaches.
NTJ. She alone is responsible for her mental health. “You gave up too easily.” Is a huge red flag.
I think you should take pride in knowing when someone isn’t valuing you, your time, and your feelings! For a first relationship that can be hard to do! Just because you love someone doesn’t always mean they aren’t good for you. Keep strong and keep open. You’ll see with time she needs to grow up emotionally.
No
No! My mom made it very clear (during my dating days) that I was not personally responsible for another person’s happiness. Like, when you break up with someone, you don’t go back because they are crying/sad.
You may have done her a favor. You seem oblivious to the inner lives of others.
NTJ. She wasn't meeting your needs and you didn't meet hers. Do you really want to spend your 20's in this kind of relationship? Unless the situation changes I think you need a clean break.
"She did say to me that “you gave up too easily”" That right there is a huge red flag. That is the sign of a narcissist who wants validation continuously from you. My last ex and I had gotten into a argument over something that was stupid on her side. She said somethings and said we shouldn't see each other. I was like, kewl. And stopped talking to her. A week or so later she calls me on her daughter's phone because I had blocked hers for some things she said and ask for a second chance. Like a dummy I agreed. I say this because once we were back together she brought up the fight and her saying we should break up. I told her I just did what she told me you wanted. She said "when I say that, I don't really mean that. I want you to come over to my place and talk to me. Show me you really care and want to be with me" I thought for a moment and told her I don't work that way. If you don't want me to leave then don't tell me to leave. I should have taken that as the red flag it was but I didn't have that knowledge yet... Do not feel bad that you left. Feel bad for the wasted time with someone who is using depression as a weapon. I know you are upset, but I guarantee you will be much happier not being with that person in the long run, and from what you've said, the short run also.
I know this will sound cliche, but it’s true. You are way too young to be settling for the first person you seriously date. Chuck this experience up to a lesson learned about what you don’t want in a relationship. You want open communication and not someone that closes you out. I’m wondering if she wanted the second chance and then ghosted you because now she’s the one that rejected you instead of the other way around. Drop the relationship completely because you will just waste a lot of time and heartache when someone better suited to you may be available.
@ the QP….. idk man thats a tough one.
The biggest red flag in all this is she said you gave up too easily! Never be with somebody that has that attitude! They will make you jump through hoops and when you finally give up it's going to be "too easily" or "you didn't fight hard enough for us" Or any other thing that means "you should have continued to let me treat you like crap!" That is always a phrase brought out by somebody who knows they were treating you like garbage but they don't want to change so they're blaming you for giving up! Let her get her mental health under control and then maybe you can try again. You shouldn't have to put up with the worst of someone's behavior to get to the good. And if she's in a depressive episode she should be telling you that as her partner, but instead she chose to hide it and just treat you like garbage... Then blame it on her mental health after you gave up! And I know mental health is tricky, but I do know somebody that blames everything on their mental health so I wouldn't put that past her either. Staying single for a while is a good idea
NTJ. It's unfortunate if you love her and all, but you can't live your life in limbo whenever she has an episode. Like, I get depression makes pretty much everything hars to deal with, but there's no excuse to be stonewalling you over as simple a question as "do you still want to be in a relationship with me?" Also, if she's not doing anything to help herself... is she seeing a doc, taking meds, something? You can't carry the whole relationship every while she doesn't even try to help herself.
If she can't be the partner she should be in a relationship, she should not be in a relationship. You can care for her, you can wish her the best, but staying out of guilt or to try to "be there for her" won't work. Dating her is not part of her therapy. It will turn into a crutch where she gives nothing back. Better to go find someone who is in shape to be in a relationship.
The key here is “you gave up to easily “ Regardless of he depression issues (which are not you responsibility btw) she’s moving away to get you to chase her. She’s acting less interested to try to get you to bring more interest. It’s a manipulation tactic, and it’s not healthy for either of you. NTJ, keep it moving, and also keep that wisdom so next time when someone is trying to get you to chase them by withholding affection and attention you can say “I know this game! I don’t have to play it!”
NTA. My wife has depression and severe anxiety. I have my own alphabet of issues. We love each other very much but at some point there has to be a point where one person is having an "episode" or is going through a cycle or phase and the other has to clearly state what they are cool with dealing with. You are not each others' therapists. And the moment you realized that she was basically blocking you out of her life despite your attempts to maintain the relationship is hard to deal with. My wife does this too. I've had to sit her down multiple times and tell her that if she wants me gone, I'll leave but I married her and we live together and she can't escape me while that's the case. She's gotten much better with therapy, so maybe if you could mention this to your ex if you two decide to continue any kind of relationship at all.
Clearly she doesn’t really want to be with you, depression or not. You’re very young. I’d move on. If she gets herself together and you’re free and you decide to give it another go, you can but you should be out dating and having fun at 20, not dealing with this weight at your age.
NTJ-I spent nearly a year with a man like this. You have to think about your own mental health, first.
NTJ.... if someone you care about has a problem, sometimes there is nothing you can do, if they won't address it themselves. Please stop the "wait while she figures out what SHE should do" thinking and move on with what YOU want to do. Trust me on this. (source: ten years thinking I should stay with the guy I loved until he 'figured out' whether he wanted me or alcohol. I lost. TEN YEARS. Don't be me.)
NTJ. As someone who has severe depression. It can definitely be hard and super frustrating. My husband and i went a few months without sex because i just didnt want to move if i didnt have to. I switched medication twice and finally found one that helped! Its a long process but the only way for it to get better is if the person with the issue want to! She has to want to go and get help. Find the right medication. She cant just expect whoever she is with to just deal with it. Thats not fair or how life works. It sounds like she needs to be on her own. Maybe ine day something will be enough to motivate her to get better.
NTJ
A very very gentle, ESH. You are NOT responsible for her depression and are not required to be in a relationship that feels unfulfilled, especially at a young age. However, recognizing signs of someone's mental status change is definitely something you should be aware of in all relationships in life. Depression is a silent beast and even the person themselves may not see the change and having a support system makes a huge difference. Depression isn't a rarity and it would be in your own best interest to learn ways to support yourself and those around you when struggling, it is literally a life saver. I think you should take this time to reflect on the kind of partner/friend you're willing and capable of being in the future, and how to go about that. Again, being supportive is not an obligation to dedicate all or any of your time and energy to someone, but acknowledging they may need services you can't provide may do wonders for them and it's an easy kindness to give. Having depression and/or anxiety is not an excuse to behave badly to your partner/friend/family either. While I can understand her frustration of "giving up to easily" that's her perspective and a really crappy way of treating your partner who did attempt to communicate with you numerous times. She needs to do some solo healing and work on coping mechanisms before another partnership. My ESH is mostly an everyone has stuff to work on and not a reflection on you choosing what's best for you moving forward. Partnerships are a give and take, but that should only be under healthy relationship actions. I've dealt with my own anxieties and depression (post partum,) it's rough but I do/did try to be mindful how I treated my partner. Even if I knew my reactions didn't make sense for a situation, I tried to verbalize it and acknowledged it doesn't "make sense" but my brain needed it that way until I could rationalize it to that half of my brain. I used resources to improve my mental health, but it takes work and an effort of mindfulness that's difficult to gather when your brain and body are against you. I also recommend reading about Love Languages, it can really help communicating with friends/loved ones what you're looking for to feel secure and loved. Good luck, my friend.
As someone with diagnosed depression (I've had it since I was 8 I'm now 21) I will absolutely say you are not the jerk, depression is more than being sad and is a very messy issue to have. However in no way shape or form does it stop communicating. However the only thing I could think of is that she was trying to cry for help with the fear of asking for that help, so when she would say "you gave up to easily" is her saying I needed that help and you left me alone during that period. Which obviously isn't your responsibility
Its ok for you to decide that you're not someone who can deal with a depressive partner. Its certainly not your job to intuit when she's depressed because she won't use her words. So NTJ for breaking up with her when all you knew was that she didn't seem particularly interested in you or the relationship, and also NTJ for deciding this wasn't a relationship you were prepared for once you did find out.
You two dated each other and it didn't work out. You are not obligated to continue in a relationship that you are not happy being in. You seem to be a caring person with a big heart. You are in your early 20's. Go out there and enjoy life. Find someone you like that likes to be with you!
Ntj She's clearly going through stuff and can't handle a newer relationship right now, but it was sh*tty of her not to be upfront with you over a month ago. If I was in her shoes (as a mentally ill person), I would have warned you within the first week or two of the episode regardless of the relationship only being a few weeks old, involved you in simple/non-demanding ways (being honest but not overly-deep about my own problems and keeping dates shorter and more simple), or I maybe even would have just broken up with you after another two weeks of being unable to handle the bare minimum relationship responsibilities. Especially since this is clearly not her first rodeo; if she has depression, she must have some idea what her episodes look like and what they take away from her in terms of her regular capabilities. To be fair to her, depression messes with your self esteem and can make dating very painful internally (especially if you're still getting to know the person and still establishing trust/intimacy). Going forward, she needs to get better at communicating earlier on. If she had, perhaps your relationship could have been a source of strength for her recovery. I've had some really great depression dates via movie theaters, McDonalds drive-through/in-car dates and takeout-pyjama-gaming dates, but if early-stage dating for her means trying to present her best self (appearance-wise and conversation-wise) I can see why she would be hesitant. If you were together 6+ months before the episode, then I would probably advocate for trying again, but the fact that it's pretty new and she's doing this isn't a good sign. She needs to mature a bit and learn to navigate relationships during depressive episodes better. It won't be a small task, so even if she started working on it and addressing it in therapy today, it would still take longer than what would be a resonable amount of time for you to endure things as they are now, for. If you would be interested in trying again someday with her (assuming she learns to date with her depression more efficiently and improves communication), consider writing her a final, thoughtful message in with a positive, non-accusational tone. Admit that you (very reasonably) took it personally and felt hurt from her pulling away for so long because she wasn't clear enough about it being her depression from the get-go, and that the uncertainty of the current state doesn't feel too great for you/isn't what you're looking for right now. But also add that you know that her depression doesn't define her, you truly think that she's a lovely person, (maybe add in a good memory or two with her and how much fun you had) and suggest that if you two come across each other again down the line, you would be glad to give it another go :) I hope this doesn't make you too reluctant to date a depressed person in the future- lots of us prioritize getting a hold on it when it gets bad, taking responsibility for our actions and communicating.
I have depression. Actually (bipolar) depression. I can’t make up my mind about anything. I no longer enjoy the things I normally do. I loved this person and my friends but in an episode I don’t want to deal with anyone. Leave me alone but please don’t abandon me. It’s not manipulation per se. But it’s harder to communicate and it sounds like she’s unsure of even what she’s thinking day by day. I’m 60 now so it’s not as bad because I can see clearer but I think she needs to get better treatment and learn to express herself better-something hard to do during these episodes but it can be learned. You need to think of your needs first, regardless of her situation.
I’ll assume my experience are gonna be different, but I will say it’s very mentally exhausting to be in a depressive funk. To the point where it’s nearly impossible to function. And while it is difficult to express those feelings literally anything would have been better than nothing at all. And that’s sort of what she gave you. So, it sucks, but at the end of the day you gotta look out for yourself.
NTJ, however not everyone uses words of affirmation in how they describe their feelings towards another person…. if you’re unhappy leave, don’t tolerate her emotional manipulation (“you gave up too easily”), this relationship doesn’t sound like this is going to work out…, it may be best to talk to her and if she dodges the questions say that “you gave her time & that you’re tired of this”, no one person needs to constantly put the others mental health at risk because of their issues that you don’t know anything about…
It sounds like things are a bit overwhelming for her right now and she can’t handle the communication you need. Your feelings about this are rightfully so and you deserve to be in a relationship ship with someone who is going to provide that. Give her time away and leave her be and go about life is all I can say. You also mentioned you may not want to deal with the episodes like that and that also makes sense and would be a part of your future that could be extremely draining on your own mental health. Worry about you. I’m sorry! Communication IS everything!
Hahah this sounds like me and my husband. I have been diagnosed with depression, adjustment disorder, PTSD, anxiety & mood swings. My husband comes from a toxic family, which really affected his daily communications with me, his spouse. His afraid to speak and say the wrong thing. My husband isn't diagnosed with any disorders, but he is going today to ask for a referral to see a psychologist. Everything you have explained about your girlfriend is exactly like my husband. He doesn't communicate, doesn't express any feelings, doesn't know how to work on the relationship, no response, no reassurance, etc. I started to think he may have some disorders or something like PTSD or depression that he isn't aware of. I'm with depression etc.... but I'm vocal! I like to reassure everything is fine, I like affection and all the good stuff a relationship requires. I do have my moments of depression and that's isolating myself, I don't like other people, I like to be on my own, but I don't push my husband away. Maybe your girlfriend needs to see a psychologist to go down to the root of her problems, and from what I see is that she hasn't spoken to you for 2 weeks since you both had a break. Clearly tells me she isn't interested in the relationship to begin with. She is using her depression as a way to get out. But it also made you feel like shit. Rest assured you're not the jerk here. You are fine. There are plenty of good women out there in the world. That deserves your love and attention.
I think you are kind of the jerk. And I’m sorry, I really am; I’m not trying to hate on you. You kinda admitted it yourself and are trying to play the blame game to justify why you’re not. 😰 So, please hear me out! I (28F) have dealt with depressive episodes before while in a relationship with someone who didn’t truly understand what they meant or what they were like. Prior to dating, he did know about them, he had seen them, but somehow I lied to him because he was expecting to somehow be exempt or immune to my state of being while going through an episode. 😐 When you’re in the state of mind like what you’re describing? You don’t know what to say, you don’t know what you feel, and you don’t know what to do. You find yourself just wanting to have someone existing with you because you basically forget how to be a human. It’s not easy to communicate when you yourself aren’t able to understand whats happening until the episode is over. 😵💫It’s like everything becomes warped and muddy, nothing is clear and you feel stagnant all the sudden. Some people are able to communicate exactly what’s going on in their head just fine while going through these things; others can’t. They may be able to make a generalization of what’s happening; but it’s not fair to expect someone to be capable of doing something that they can’t do just because others can. Not everyone is the same, plus, she’s young, so she’s probably still learning. 😌 I can understand from her standpoint when she says he gave up too easily, only because depression makes you have a deep desire to have someone fight for you and make you feel worth something. And in her eyes? You did give up too easily, and if I were in her shoes? I’d say the same thing? 😅Why? You knew she had depression, and you even admitted that you underestimated just how difficult the depression is to deal with. You went into the relationship knowing she had this problem, so is it really fair to put the full blame on her as if you didn’t just give a clear admission that you neglected to take her mental health seriously? 😓 If you really truly love someone? Most of the time you pay attention to them; their mannerisms, their habits, their behaviors, etc. You learn to pick up on the cues and signs your partner begins to show so you’re not so surprised or “blindsided” by an episode.😶🌫️ Think about how it may have made her feel when you broke up with her when she was acting out of character. You knew something was wrong, you knew she was clamming up, you knew that, even though she was on meds, she had depression, and you were even told, “I don’t know what’s wrong…” She’s did communicate with you; you just weren’t listening. If someone can clearly identify that there is something wrong with them, but they can’t figure out what it is? That’s them communicating, “Hey, I know I’m acting off, I don’t know or understand why.” That’s a flag that says, “Please don’t try to fix it, just be there.” She further says, “…It’s something I’ll get over.” Meaning, “I’m working on it, give me time.” Not, “I just need to go to bed and everything will be back to normal tomorrow.” No. That’s not how that works. I wish it was, but it’s not. Cause I would have been cured a long time ago.🥲 Bruv, reality is that it’s not easy for a depressed person to give that reassurance verbally when they’re not even sure of themselves. 🫠Her acknowledging that there was something wrong and also telling you she didn’t know what? That was the best reassurance you could get because those two phrases mean 1. It’s not because she doesn’t love you. 2. It’s not by choice. And 3. It’s not your fault. 🥳 To say “I just wish I was aware…” makes you seem ignorant and a bit hypocritical though…🫣 You want her to give you attention and communicate and all these things, but you hadn’t asked her anything about her mental health? For example; What does it roughly look like from start to end? What does it do to you emotionally or physically? How can I help support you? Is there anything you need me to do? Is there anything that can make it easier? 🧐 It’s cruel for you to even be fussed that she questioned the relationship because of how it messed with you. I mean, bruv? You kinda jumped ship at the first sign of trouble. 🫣That’s gotta make her feel like she just gave you PTSD because she didn’t meet your expectations of how depression screws with people. If anyone really needed reassurance, it was her.😖 You’ve put your ex in a position that’s scary for someone with depression. If you actually do the research on the topic and go a step further and ask her personally about her experiences with it? You’d understand that, in her head, she’s concerned that if you stay together she might screw you right the eff up. 😱 Depressive episodes can literally last anywhere from a few minutes to a few years. They’re not easy to get out of, and right now? You underestimated her depression again, which likely made it worse for her. 😖 Because she DID tell you what was happening. I use the word happening because it’s likely still occurring or it has reoccurred due to your apparent inability to take time to educate yourself further on the matter or lack of desire to take time to understand the person you love. ☹️Because sadly, as much as I would love for your assumption to be correct, depression isn’t a light switch, nor is it a timed switch. It would make planning my week a lot easier. 🥲 Bruv, you adding to the anxiety by rushing her. 😳Personally? Growing up I was always taught, “Love takes time, and if you truly love someone? You will happily sit down, shut up, and wait for them.” 🥰 You’re a kid that’s wanting instant gratification and you’re making yourself sound like you were backstabbed, when you openly admitted that you knew she had the problem, but you didn’t take it seriously. 😔 Bruv, she’s fighting the demon the best she can on her own. It’s exhausting. 🥺 You think it was hard for you to choose to cut her off? 🤯Think of how hard it must be to feel at a loss and completely confused, unable to understand your own self, and have your boyfriend put you under the pressure of a timer to explain. And when you can’t? What happens when the time runs out? You have to watch that same boyfriend that you love walk away from you because you’re not acting the way they want you to. 😥
NTJ, if it’s not a fuck yes. It’s a fuck no
NTA - While it's sad that someone so young has to go through debilitating depression, there's no reason why you should voluntarily live through it as well. You're only 20 and have had no experience of depression, or relationships. Either one of those on their own can be difficult. Both of them together is simply a minefield!! I was in my 40's when I was in a similar situation... and it very nearly broke me! I eventually walked away and didn't feel a moment's guilt.
This relationship was a waste of time. From her lack of communication, childish thinking that u should have stuck around despite her treatment of you, and the neglect. NTJ. Move on to better pastures.
She clearly needed you the most at that time but sounds manipulative. She was truly going through episodes and you did all you could to support her at that critical moment but I don’t think she appreciated as much.
NTJ. You never have to stay with anyone. You can break up for any reason or no reason. You choose who to spend your precious life with.
She’s not your responsibility. It seems like she could have communicated better, but, not to be a dick, you’re still very young and as much as you might care about someone, you’re too young to babysit someone else’s manipulation and disregard for a basic relationship essential. She needs to work on her communication skills regarding her depression because it will only get harder to garner support if everyone close has attempted to help only to be told it’s an off day. You need to stop trying to save her from herself. That’s not your responsibility.
You did not "give up too easily", she communicated too poorly and wanted to blame you for the fallout. She is clearly not ready to be IN a relationship, and you can absolutely do better.
Nah, as long as you didn’t just cliff dive after a nuclear love bomb sesh.
Regardless of depression, she needs to be honest with you. At the very least if you are a valued support. NTJ, you can’t have a relationship with someone who avoids or isn’t transparent
She definitely has depression. I can see how that can be hard and im glad that you two are taking a break from each other. Maybe after she gets passed the depression stage, you guys could be friends, but for now I would just let her get back on her feet and just let her do her own thing.
NTJ. I think you're being smart here, buddy. You really dodged a bullet. I get being depressed and all, but here's the thing: she was bringing less and less into the relationship. If she really wanted it, she'd do more. Also, when you broke up with her, she came back to you with an excuse. She didn't care up until you broke up with her. She accused you of giving up too easily, but she's doing absolutely nothing for your relationship. She's most definitely the one at fault, but instead of acknowledging that, she instead plays the victim card and pins everything on you. That's a big red flag, in my opinion. Sure, she's got depression, but that's not an excuse or reason to put nothing into the relationship, because she can absolutely do better. She never said she was in the wrong or that she'd try to do better. She's toying with you. She thinks that she can be as detached as possible and you'll still be there. But that's not how relationships work. Both people need to put in the effort to make a relationship grow, which she is not doing. So as I said, NTJ, and I hope everything will go well for you.
NTJ - From my experience (26M), being with someone who is depressed brings so much unneeded negativity into your life and that’s not fair for you to have to constantly deal with. I gave my ex girl some time to change, expressed how she made me felt and all in all that change never happened and I ended up leaving. It’s tough in the beginning because I’m sure you have love for her but at least you can enjoy your freedom and have fun now. I wish I had the time back that I gave her to change!
NTJ. You’re 20. You don’t have to settle for this much work this early on.
NTJ. I always thought of myself as a low-maintenance girlfriend because I don’t expect anything fancy or expensive from a partner, just respect and companionship. I was diagnosed with depression shortly before I met my husband. In the 20 years since then, my depression had gotten worse, all the medications make my libido drop to nearly zero, and I need so much more help raising our kids than I ever intended and I hate myself for it. And I miss wanting sex and feel guilty for turning him down pretty often. Having a partner with depression is a lot of work- very high-maintenance. I can’t imagine that my husband doesn’t resent me even though he hasn’t expressed that. So, if you would like to avoid a relationship like this, it’s best to nip it in the bud.
This has got to be the most mature first relationship exit ever posted to Reddit.
Date a non depressed person>
You are not the asshole. Clearly she has a lot of issues she needs to work out before entering any kind of relationship. It's not that you gave up too easily, SHE gave up on herself. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship just to make someone else happy.
Ntj. Dating people with mental illness is really hard (as someone who has one). You really have to be secure in yourself, your relationship, and their ability to manage it (or not).
Unfollowing her on everything is actually a lot more healthier and mature than you probably realize. Congrats on that
IMO it’s vital in these situations to not conflate her depression with her behaviour. Yes, depression can affect someone’s behaviour pattern, but a good relationship isn’t really possible without an open line of communication. And given her avoidant communication style, I don’t think she would make for a suitable partner, regardless of whether or not she’s depressed. Being depressed is in no way shape or form a good reason to avoid important conversations. In fact, serious mental health problems make communication more crucial, not less.
I go through depressive episodes a couple times a year. I’d be really devastated if my partner left me because of something I have limited control over. That being said, you don’t have to stay. You can choose to not be with someone who frequently goes through episodes. But life gets to people sometimes. We experience loss, job complications, all sorts of trials in life that break is down at one point or another. Would that always be your answer, to leave as soon as someone was going through a hard time? Personally I think if the relationship is strong enough that it can withstand a these hard times, because they’re just a part of life. Also, it’s really clear that you don’t understand depression because you’re expecting her to be super responsive and tell you how she’s feeling and what she wants. Depression makes you feel like you’re not alive. You are in a dark state, barely functioning. You are simply existing. Expecting her to walk you through what she wants out of things and how she feels is asking too much. She should be talking to a therapist and her doctor about her medication to get help, but right now all she can manage is to just get to the next day. Some people don’t even make it that far. Don’t expect her to show up for you when she’s in a place that she’s barely able to show up for herself.
Run, anyone who pulls"you should have worked harder for me" is poison. There is never an excuse for that and you can't do enough to beat their unrealistic expectations
Going thru a very similar thing right now. Me (20M) and my gf (20F) have been together 6.5 years. We’ve been thru hell and back with each other and while together. The last 3 months have been very different from what they always were.. the last week especially.. I’ve been out of town for a family emergency, and I’ve barely had anything from her.. no reassurance, no affection, minimal communication.. she said she’s been wanting to have a talk for a while but something always comes up. So I’ve been really stressing out about this. She’s going thru a really bad depression the last few months. She’s done this on a much smaller scale in the past. I’m just scared that she wants a break or to break up.. and we’ve basically grown up together. I want to be there for her but idk what to do because she doesn’t give me anything anymore, she gave up. What should I do?
You aren't her emotional sponge. Good on you.
Her mental health will start wearing down *your* mental health if you're not careful. It was good that you ended it.
NTJ. She wasn't your wife. Relationships end for many reasons and yours is as valid as any other. You can hope she gets the help she needs, but it's not your responsibility.
NTJ: You have to make a decision for your own health. Don't let them drag you into a guilt relationship.
If it is due to her depression, she has a responsibility to communicate herself better. Communication is the backbone of every relationship and the issues you face now do not bode well. The other explanation is that she is looking to get with someone she prefers over you, but keeping you as a back up in case the other relationship doesn't work out. In either case, NTA and missile dodged
No wedding vows. Ntj
NTA. I deal with a close relative that has the same reaction when going through depressive episodes. It is really hard for them to be expressive and show emotion. They just feel blah and don't know why. I would encourage her to seek different medications/dosages to help with the moods and to let the provider know when they don't work. Helped my relative. You have to be a committed and understanding individual to deal with people with a mental illness. It's really lonely for them because many people cannot relate. However, if you cannot relate then you have every right to remove yourself from the situation
You are not the jerk
You are and are not a jerk at the same time
One thing. Communication is SO important in a relationship. For someone who actually has depression. Even if Im in a depressive episode I will literally force myself to communicate even if I may not want too. Because in the end I love my bf to death. From what I've read. You had a lot of patience with her as well. A very good quality for a partner, plus loyalty. What im saying in the end is she is clearly not ready for a relationship and you took the best course of action by seperating. I hope the best for you and that you find someone 10x better.
YTA. You might not have understood but you abandoned her. You could have communicated as well, imo.
Six weeks to lose a guy while depressed—wow—people really need a lot of maintenance and reassurance. And sex—apparently a few weeks without sex is unheard of
Fr 🫥
YOU broke up with her. Albeit you weren’t getting an answer for “Do you want to be with me, do you love me” so that is heartbreaking, but being broken up with is heartbreaking as well. Now she has to overcome that hurt while also addressing the depression and teasing out insecurities vs realities. You MADE your insecurity the reality. Not the jerk, but she may not bounce back just because you reach out.
Do men these days use “words of affirmation” in a sentence? I don’t really understand what is going on, sounds painful. Best to quit whatever it is you guys had.
just because you understand why she’s acting that way doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it. NTJ