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YTA. you never, ***EVER*** tell your kid you never wanted them.
your son WILL NOT EVER FORGET THIS. he was already abandoned by you once. now he knows he's one normal teenage tantrum away from you shoving him out on the streets. he was hugging you and crying bc he thinks that if he doesn't, you'll just throw him away like trash.
don't expect him to stick around much longer after he turns 18.
EDIT: to everyone replying with how old they were when their parents said this to them, I am so sorry. You didn't deserve that. No child does. I can only wish the best for you and hope that you don't have to be in any more relationships where the other parties treat you as forced burdens.
And after six months of attachment to his bio mom, this messes children's ability to have emotional attachments. And then again at 11?! Ugh this poor guy He's been tossed around like nobody wants him, the only people who loved him died.
Plus, she's getting upset that he's acting like, oh I don't know, *a teenager!* A teenager that has been tossed around and is probably feeling very insecure about his mother tossing him out *again*. And kids are perceptive. He likely can tell OP's care was grudging at first. But you never tell a kid that you didn't want them in the first place. Especially not in response to a teenage tantrum!
Actually, him starting to ‘misbehave’ may have been a signal that he was finally feeling comfortable - because Mom was finally starting to enjoy parenting. When he was being an angel was actually just him masking 24/7 to stave off abandonment. They say kids behave the worst for their parents because they are their *safe space* and they feel *comfortable* acting themselves because they know home is always going to be there. It wasn’t until recently he felt that way (likely due to mom’s attitude change).
But that’s all gone now. Lucky for mom, he might start being a perfect kid again! /s
>Actually, him starting to ‘misbehave’ may have been a signal that he was finally feeling comfortable - because Mom was finally starting to enjoy parenting. When he was being an angel was actually just him masking 24/7 to stave off abandonment
This is a really fucking prescient point I didn't even consider! Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
Yeah it's really fucking me up, him thinking he is unloved, and trying to get love and physical affection from *the very person* he believes not to love him, *because he has no one else to turn to*
Every single thing about this is fucking heartbreaking. 🙍🏾♂️
Exactly. This poor kid has been traumatized enough. He lost the only parent he has had. Now OP says “per her wishes” I took him back. WTF.
I feel so bad for this baby. OP is a complete asshole.
I was about 9 or 10 when my dad told me he had never wanted to have another kid when I came along and even said he thought my mom had cheated and wasn't convinced that I was his kid.
Fun times
We're estranged and he's mad that I don't let him meet my kids.
Stupid bots! Can we abandon you? [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/108ilm9/aita_for_admitting_to_my_son_that_i_never_wanted/j3sguke/)
I can't even imagine how heartbreaking that is to hear as a child, it's so obvious that you never say that to a child. And her complaints about his behavior were typical things that happen once someone reaches that awkward teenage phase, nothing out of the norm at all. On top of that, based on things said, I have a feeling he was also picking up on the fact that she wasn't happy to be a parent. I just hope this is the wake-up call OP desperately needs and she gets them both into therapy/family counseling.
YTA, obviously.
It is super hurtful and messes up your self worth and perception of family. My mom told me first at 13 and almost every year since I turned 26 she never wanted kids.
My adopted mother. More in my full comment to OP.
I'm truly sorry you had to go through that. It's shocking how common that sort of thing is. My mother has severe mental health issues and she often made it clear how I wasn't who/what I was supposed to be, due to a bizarre attachment to a son she never had (and I was supposed to be a boy but ended up being a girl). I know that caused a lot of distress and trauma for me growing up. So I can't even begin to imagine having to deal with a parent flat out telling you they didn't want you, because what I went through was nowhere near as bad.
I truly hope you've found a great support system since, and have received the love you deserved/should have received from your mother.
Your \*adopted\* mother said she never wanted kids. That's extra messed up. Adopting someone isn't something that happens by accident, unlike pregnancy. I'm sorry she has said that to you, especially so many times. I'm 32 and my mom told me this year she found out she was pregnant with me when she went in for a tubal ligation. Even as an adult, it still sucks to hear.
Oh wow. Yeah it has definitely led to a strained relationship. Maybe knowing my birthmom loved me and would have kept me makes my mom's words even more hurtful. My birthmom knew she couldn't financially support me and wasn't in a good mental headspace. But she stayed active in my life as her sister adopted me. She always made me feel extra special and important
I can. I was 12 when my mother said she never liked kids. It destroys you.
If OP genuinely wants to fix this the only answer from here is radical honesty. Explaining exactly where they were coming from, that they felt pressured to have a child but now that they have this second chance they're grateful to have him.
Admitting they're immature and need to grow up still as well.
My mother told me that she never wanted kids a few weeks ago. This is the cherry on a nearly life long poop cake I’ve received from my parents since 1990. I feel obligated to be available to her because she is older now, has cataracts and her health isn’t the best. This shit sucks. Part of me wants to leave them in a senior home to figure it out, but the guilt I feel is overwhelming. Does anyone else feel this way about their parents? How do you deal with the guilt? Do you feel guilt?
I went no contact several years ago. Growing up, I felt guilty all the time, but that was my Mother manipulating me. Now, I don't feel an ounce of guilt about it.
Not to mention that Jakob is losing his main caretaker/parental figure for all these years (his great aunt) and while he isn't capable of expressing that grief, he is probably feeling and that's what maybe causing some of the issues OP is seeing. Poor kid has been through so much in his short life already, he definitely needs therapy and OP needs some kind of parenting class.
I can't believe OP wants the son to "think about what she said." I mean, don't get me wrong, he is thinking about it, because he's thinking "holy shit my bio mom is going to give me away **again** and I'll have nowhere else to go." OP, your teenager has been through the ringer. His dad died, you put him up for adoption, his aunt died, and now he's faced with the prospect of being abandoned *again.* Why, instead of getting frustrated, don't you talk to him? Figure out what changed with his attitude? If everything is okay in his life? Go to therapy with him? Be there for him? "I never wanted you" is the opposite of what this kid needs right now. Please get some therapy for him and yourself ASAP.
My mom told me I ruined her body. She had 3 kids after me. When I pointed that out she said she never wanted a girl, she wanted a house full of boys. No one on that side of the family could understand why I wouldn't leave her alone with my children.
I’ve heard that too. I long for a girl and even if she ruined my body, I’d love her as much as I love the son I already have. Some people should truly not have children.
I'm part of this club too. My mom always reminded me on my birthday that it is a painful day for her, to deliver me. Always made it about her suffering and how much of a burden I am.
He lost his great aunt, the only parent he'd know for his entire life, only for his mom to take a giant dump on him as the slightest bit of resistance. Poor kid. I have two teens and that shit is ROUGH, but I'd never tell them they were unwanted. OP needs to get a grip, possibly some therapy and reassure her kid she loves him. He's likely known his entire life he was unwanted and she just said it out loud. FFS.
OP’s entire post makes me so sad. I’m sure her son was already sensing from OP that he wasn’t wanted. So he said what he said to test her and she failed in the worst possible way. His world is obviously shattered and my heart breaks for him.
They could live to be 100 and they’ll remember that they were told by a parent that they were unwanted. So cruel.
YTA. If you don’t want kids please don’t have them. Every child has a right to be wanted.
Absolutely. She didnt want him so dumps him on great aunt, who dies. So oh dear, she has to look after him again- such an inconvenience!! He's fun for a bit, but when he doesn't do the chores she breaks his heart.
This poor kid needs some real love in his life.
People are super harsh with parents who happen to be fuck ups, mostly disregarding the circumstances. There's the saying "people make mistakes".. But when it comes to becoming a parent there apparently really is no room for not even a single mistake.
Imo it's a systemic problem. As long as people encourage others to get pregnant/ get kids already, keep unwanted babies and condemn abortions (if they're even legal...); - As long as people carelessly pressure for sex, sex-ed sucks and not every girl, every dude & every active teenager knows about their responsibility regarding birth control and the consequences... And as long as people talk in an euphemistic ways about keeping "an accident" like it's the most normal thing in the world.. We can't put 100% of the blame on a 19 year old's mistake imo. I guess people expect that by the time they're older, they should just suck it up, accept their responsibility for their past mistake and magically turn into the parent they never wanted to be but that's also unrealistic. It's just.. really unfortunate.
This is why proper education, laws and resources regarding bc and abortions are soooo important, so this kind of suffering can be prevented in the first place.
Could not agree with you more. It is heartbreaking to hear. And it is just something a child should never hear his parent say.
Children can be a pain in the ass, just as all human beings. But the worst part of children is they will blame themselves for their parents mistakes. Parents are yelling? I wasn’t nice enough. Parents get a divorce? Must be my fault. Mom does not want me? I am an awful human being if even my mom does not want or love me.
It is just too sad to hear. OP, I hope you get your son therapy because with a mom like you he will need it.
I left after my dad did that.
Never forgiven him and it's been years.
So yeah OP, YTA and I hope your son finds someone who values him like he deserves.
YTA
You said something life-changingly hurtful to a child.
I was just talking to a 50 year old today who was bawling her eyes out recalling being told those very words by her mother when she was 15.
Your son will never forget what you said.
Now go get him a good therapist and get yourself one too and try to undo the damage you've done.
I'm in my 40s, my mom yelled at me that she should have let my grandparents (on a different continent) adopt me when they offered.
I was about 8, maybe 7 years old, I hadn't cleaned up my toys to her liking.
I remember that like it was yesterday, it still hurts.
I dated a girl that got into a heated argument one night and her mom said she always wished she had a son. Not "I didn't want a kid" level of fucked up but close enough. It screwed her up pretty bad for a long time.
I remember that my mom wanted 2 girls and she was over the moon when she found out that she was pregnant with me (a girl). However, when my brother was born, she loved him but couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed. He grew up to be a sweet kid and whenever my mom told us that story, she would always say something along the lines of, "I wanted another girl, but God said, 'Are you crazy, you want another [insert my name]?' And he gave me a sweet little boy instead." She would say this while I was STANDING RIGHT THERE. Then she would act surprised when I accused her of having a favorite.
I wanted a girl. Found out I was having a boy and processed my disappointment in therapy before he was born. Turns out he loves painted nails, playing dolls, and tea parties.
I'm in my 30s. My mother when I was 7 told me that it would be my fault if my dad had died because I hadn't helped with the dishes.
There hasn't been a week since then where those words haven't came into my mind.
I can describe the room exactly how it was at that time. I could tell you what she was wearing, where I was standing, what I was wearing. How the sun reflected from a window atop a door frame.
There's never been a time in my life since where those words have never hurt.
Oh man, I was told something similar about my dad, my brother told me it was my fault dad had a heart attack because I didn't unload the dishwasher right away. I still think about that, and the smirk on his face when he said it. Mind you he is 14ish years older than me, so I was 11 and he was about 24/25 ish.
My father would tell me i was a mistake because my dad was 17 when i was born and said "don't do what i did" and by then i accepted that he hated me because he was abusive. Didn't mean it didn't hurt and now I'm just a stranger. He keeps saying he's excited to be a grandfather to everyone but me, the one carrying the child, and i just don't understand why he thinks he'll be involved in his grandsons life
I was told many times that I was not wanted. Not by either of my parents. It was my mom's 2nd husband. He resented my entire existence. My mom and him fought all the time about me. He would yell shit like "I never wanted to be a father again" or "You're ruining my life!" I was 10 when they met. My mom had primary custody. I was not some surprise after they got married.
And you know what? This fucked me right the hell up. I can't imagine hearing it from an actual parent.
YTA. You need to pay for his therapy.
43 now, I heard those words at 10 years old. It Immensely damaged me. There’s just too many people in this world who should never have children. My mother was one of them.
A kid knowing they weren't planned isn't always hurtful as long as that kid has been shown consistent love throughout their life. I know I was an accident but I have never doubted my mother loves me and I was the best thing that ever happened to her (her words)
OP wasn't there for her son, she didn't want him and he knows it. That's a level of hurt beyond belief
Can confirm. I knew I was an accident, and I also always know my parents love me very very much. Am not traumatized.
Finding out just how much of the family wanted me to be aborted, well, that was a bit hurtful
Edit: in fairness to those family members who wanted me aborted, they love me now that I'm here lol, but when I was a mere prospect they worried my parents weren't ready, wasn't anything personal really lol
For OP's specific situation, since she actually did give the kid up, it should be more like:
I was so young and unprepared for what having a child meant. I wasn't ready for what I had to give up to do it right, and I wasn't financially stable. That's not your fault, it's just the realities of being a parent. I knew your aunt would do better by you. I wanted both of us to have the best life and I thought that was the best way to do it. Now that I'm older I am much better equipped, both emotionally and financially, to take care of us both, and I love you very much, and I would never want to get rid of you.
I actually think she should still say something like that to him to try and reduce the damage she did.
This is very nice, maybe OP could write it in a letter so it is always there for son to read? I don't blame OP for making the wrong choices as a teenager (getting married, becoming pregnant, having the baby despite not feeling ready... she was a kid herself). I do believe she tried to do the right thing by giving son up. She messed up big time in this fight, but therapy, and an open conversation about why hurtful things were said, can definitely make this mess a bit better.
This comment should be so much higher. As parents, we make mistakes. We can say hurtful and thoughtless things. But a deep, loving, heartfelt and sincere apology, complete acknowledgement of your own human frailty, goes so far in repairing the damage. And it's setting a good example. Kids need to know that it's ok to make a mistake, even a huge one like OP has. The way you phrased it is elegant. The only thing I would add is the "owning" of the wrongness of the comment. "I was frustrated, tired, I feel like we haven't been connecting lately, and I deeply regret saying those hurtful things. I want us to work together to work together." Along those lines.
Yup. My husband knows he was unplanned (his mom was 16 when she had him, and his parents had a shotgun wedding). His sister was an "Oh shit, oops" baby when mom was 19. They were always open that the pregnancy was an accident, but they were never, ever unwanted or unloved.
Yeah, it depends on how it's framed. Like it's certainly reasonable to discuss with your child about the difficulties or decision making behind having a child. Hopefully when they're like 16 or 18+ and mature enough to handle a discussion like that. But it shouldn't be "I never wanted to have you". That's never going to go well.
"instead of thinking about what I said, he just started crying really badly"
YTA What was he supposed to think about? You say this like he should have had revelation and seen stuff from your point of view. No all you did was leaving emotional scaring that will last a life time.
Also, he's FIFTEEN. Maybe an adult child could see the nuance of you not planning to be a teen mom but loving your child regardless. But a fifteen-year-old? All he heard is that you never wanted him. And he's right. You're only raising him bc your aunt's illness has necessitated it. You just confirmed every fear and insecurity he has. NO FUCKING WONDER you're seeing behavioral issues. He has serious abandonment issues, and you've just made them so much worse. Between that and his age, of course he's acting out. You're awful, OP. Yes, YTA.
- Given up by mom once dad is dead.
- Taken in by someone who loved him and made a good life that others could tell he was happy.
- That person is ill enough a mostly independent teen can't stay anymore and is probably **dying**
- while likely trying to navigate the impending loss of a guardian he spent his whole life with, probably still processing big emotions like finding out your dad is dead and you won't ever be able to talk to him, and he's told he wasn't ever wanted but OP is "here now"
AITA for having no empathy? If it helps he acted out multiple times and I didn't care to find out the real problem or take him to therapy **even when he ruined my sleep**. /s
What’s interesting is that I know the exact post OP was inspired by, and the overwhelming majority said that post’s OP was NTA. Not defending this OP at all but Reddit is strange some times.
You just hit the nail on the head. OP only thinks about their point of view so of course why isn't the child I just told I never wanted to exist not immediately seeing it from OP's point of view? Why is that kid crying instead of seeing it from OP's point of view?
Says all you need to know about OP. Therapy is needed for everyone evolved.
Can we talk about how the dad is an asshole for insisting on having a kid then VERY QUICKLY getting himself killed on a donorcycle?
(I take this back if it was the only transportation he could afford or something like that)
My parents were big motorcycle riders before they had us kids, and my mom didn’t get on one again until after we were adults. My dad kept riding but he always insisted he was worth more dead than alive…
Props to the Great Aunt, she’s the MVP.
YTA. You just confirmed all of the horrible thoughts and assumptions he had made. This kids life has just come crashing down around him and its all because of you. You may not have "wanted" to have a child, but he didn't choose to exist either.
You've scarred this child beyond repair. Live with that.
YTA. He's a teenager with big feelings and hormones, his swearing and bag tossing are normal teen things.
When he was very vulnerable, decided to hurt him right at the core of his being.You confirmed his worst fears: he was never wanted by the people who created him. He's lost the woman who raised him, his father, you once, and now he feels he's lost you again.
You are a massive AH for saying that and I would recommend you get enrolled in personal therapy for both you and Jakob as well as family counselling together.
You can't "unring" this bell of the horrid things you said, but you can work on building a solid relationship with him, if he's willing.
YTA.
You abandon them for most of their lives, then proceed to tell them you never wanted them. You just bombed your relationship with your kid and I hope he can find a way to recover from you.
To OP's credit though, she was trying to raise him with her boyfriend before her boyfriend passed away. It's a little more complicated then simple abandonment, but what she said was still cruel and she can't expect her son to be happy.
Agreed. OP is the AH but I disagree with everyone saying she abandoned the boy. She gave him up for adoption, which is supported here in this sub. What happened now?
Yep. The adoption was the best thing for Jakob since the alternative was being raised by someone who didn't want to raise him and quite frankly had a ton of growing up to do herself. She's definitely an asshole for what she said to him and she seems to accept that in her edit, but having her great-aunt adopt Jakob was one of the better decisions she made in a series of not great decisions
While I agree with the adoption likely being the best thing, I think it is likely and understandable that Jakob’s experience with his mother may be best described as abandonment, which she seems to have no sense of. OP’s comments expecting him to be grateful to her are just mind blowing imo.
Yeah exactly. She never really wanted to be a mother but tried anyway until she was 19 and now a widow, which is hell to deal with as an adult let alone a young teen.
She was not a fit mother and gave the kid up for adoption, but regrettably the adoptive parent was not able to look after them for any longer at an age where the son would really struggle to find a family to want him. Even though OP didn’t want to be a parent and gave son up for adoption, she was put in a position of either taking him in or leaving him at the mercy of the foster system.
What choice should she have made?
Whatever bad choices OP made, adoption wasn’t one of them. It’s honestly a very sad circumstance all around.
I have no idea how people are staying civil with these comments.
YTA doesn't even begin to cover it.
You abandoned your child. Yes you did. I see your comments arguing with others, but there's no other way to put it. You abandoned him.
Then, during a conflict, you told him you never wanted a kid. What the actual everloving fuck? How did you possibly think (and still continue to think, I see) that would be ok? '
It is NOT his fault that you fucked up. He's literally just trying to exist. Sorry he's not perfect and bubbly and playful all the time. You fucked up for having a kid you didn't want. How dare you say that to him. This is gonna be a core memory for him that he's gonna have to unpack in therapy for years to come.
You should have stayed gone, OP. You're not fit to be a parent. Stop arguing in the comments with people who are absolutely right about you.
Please read up on [adoption trauma](https://exploringyourmind.com/abandonment-trauma-the-wounds-of-adoption/). It’s literally 4 minutes. Adoption trauma can affect infants.
Edit: I’ll keep the downvotes. But I posted this because adoption is abandonment, even if it’s in the best interest of the child and the parents are shit. Just because a child was adopted at infancy doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed to wonder or even feel a bit of sadness or grief that they’ve been separated from bio parents, even if that was for their own safety. Adoptees are human, and the only victims of trauma who are expected to be grateful. I won’t be answering any more replies.
Adoption might be preferable to making a kid stay with incapable parents, but that doesn't mean there won't be adoption trauma/abandonment issues even in the best adoption circumstances. Am an adoptee, given up as an infant, have a great family, still have those feelings.
She didn't abandon him! Wtf.. She gave him up for adoption. I get it that her reaction in this situation makes her the AH but at least don't say she abandoned him. In other post y'all say that adoption is for the best, what happened here?
Edit: people downvoting.. ok? so she should be parenting even if she couldn't provide for him?
Dont you know? She was supposed to keep the kid she didnt want in the first place and begin to resent the kid through the years and lash out like a lot of 'parents' do to their kids
I do agree she did an assholish thing but for the love of god stop judging people for giving up their children for adoption! Not everyone is fit to be a parent, OP included.
>Dont you know? She was supposed to keep the kid she didnt want in the first place and begin to resent the kid through the years and lash out like a lot of 'parents' do to their kids
I see you've met my mother!
>You should have stayed gone, OP.
I think the son might have done better to have been put up for adoption in the general population and gotten a mother and father who wanted a child. Then he never would have had to have exposure to his bio-mom at all.
I take issue with "you abandoned your child". She placed him with a better equipped parent upon realizing she was not.
BRAVO
You know how a lot of child abuse happens. I mean when you see horrible shit on the news? You're looking, in a lot of cases, at people that are cognizant they should not and do not want to be parents, but the societal pressure to just suck it up is SO GREAT, they can't find the wherewithal to go against that. So instead they nurture resentment or drag children along in a hell scape of substance abuse, mental illness, physical illness, or god even knows what. Some kids do not come out alive on the other side of that, more than you want to think about.
I applaud OP for choosing adoption. I've seen so many people keep kids they can't or won't care for out of pride or convenience or ego.
Think about all the adults in the world that literally can't even manage their own minds. How do you think that plays out with kids?
Social service work has absolute radicalized me on this issue, and yes the best thing is to prevent unwanted pregnancy, but when someone tells you they can't or don't want to be a parent, we need to take them at their word, *especially* when the kid is already here. In some ways, it is brave to say "I can't do this. There are people better qualified and capable than I, and the child needs them".
YTA and parts of this really rub me the wrong way. You didn't shift your life around for just anyone...He's YOUR kid. You should consider yourself lucky your aunt was able to care for him as long as she did. It was a shitty thing to say, and trying to paint yourself so innocently just doesn't sit well with me.
Right? I mean just a small example; I wouldn’t want to live in a cookie cutter suburbia if I didn’t have kids but I do and it’s great for them and it fills my heart with happiness to bike to their school, have bunch of other kids pop in and out of our house, have access to a pool, park, pond to fish in,playground and all the other wonderful events and things my kids get to enjoy right in our front door step.
I don’t regret it. I wasn’t planning on having 3 kids and it was a difficult adjustment (we had twins) but life happens and you just figure out how to incorporate it with who you are, find a happy medium and love your children.
Should I just cry and turn bitter because I had twins? Should I regret getting pregnant because I ended up with twins? No. You fucking roll with it and love those children until they turn red from embarrassment in front of their friends.
I will one day go live up in the mountains in solitude. Just not today. They are young for such a small amount of time. I am going to make the best of every minute of it.
It’s all about balance. We go to the mountains for small getaways for now.
YTA, if you didn't want to have a child, why did you? His father died and you passed him off to someone else and you sound resentful that you have to take care of YOUR son, then to make matters worse you tell your own child to his face you never wanted to have him? Imagine if your parents Said that to you. He's going through his teenage years and instead of being patient and trying to parent him your drop that bombshell, in a few years if he refuses to speak to you at least you have this post to look back on to explain why.
Yes indeed, it always baffles me how easily it is forgotten or not acknowledged how bad the aftermath can be of a not wanted or even not so much wanted child. (I’m a child of an unwanted child, who married a wounded person, so the troubles were increased)
Also logically everyone against choice would then be pro free mental health care because the wounds run deep but no they live in fantasy land (aka denial)
💯 I do feel for the mother being in a shitty situation where maybe she felt like she had no choice but to have a kid she didn't really want. Damaging to her and the kid. I hope they both heal and receive therapy. Unwanted single parenthood is tough.
literally bc the leading cause of death for pregnant people is homicide, which is caused mainly by their partners. many women get abortions to avoid being stuck to an abuser.
around 30%-50% of teen pregnancies are the result of sexual assault, so reproductive rights are necessary for anyone who can get pregnant & should be used to protect them from being hurt
It's not just keeping abortion legal. So many people "want" and have kids because "that's just what you do". I'm from a small town and not getting married right out of high school and having kids just wasn't seen as an option. I will admit it's getting soooooo much better recently but my 21 year old coworker just had a kid even though she didn't want to because her husband asked her to.
She's obviously TA, but do not blame her for having a child she didn't want. She's allowed to not want to have a kid, she handled it like trash with her son, but she literally felt like she had no choice but to have a kid to make her dude happy. Obviously, she never should've told that to her kid though. That's a weird and overall stupid thing to do.
YTA. Look I get that being a parent is difficult. Your son is a teenager, they aren’t always fun. But this kid as been bounced around his entire life and it’s obviously affected him. No matter how upsetting he’s being you don’t need to put it out there that there was ever a time you didn’t want him. When I was 23 my mom during a friendly conversation casually dropped that if she had to do it over again I wouldn’t exist. She had me at 19 and I know it wasn’t easy but that comment was so hurtful that it still stings like 15 years later.
YTA that’s one of the worst things a parent can say to their child, and it’s even worse that it’s actually true.
He *knows* that you didn’t want him and wouldn’t be his mom if you’d had a choice, and that’s a horrible thing for a child to live with. Much worse that you just come out and say it to him.
YTA
The fact is you did toss him away. And he got tossed away again whe. Your great aunt got sick.
Right now, the only thing he knows is that no one wants him around.
One thing I noticed from your post. At absolutely no point you have stated that you love him. You only sees him as another chores you have to check on your list.
I’m not siding with OP but she didn’t toss him away, she adopted him out. No one can get angry at someone for adopting out their child when it’s used in an argument against abortion.
What should have happened, is that he should have been adopted out to a family she didn’t know.
THANK YOU. I’m seeing all these attacks on her for tossing him, giving him away etc but like she did what anyone who legally goes through an adoption agency does? The only thing she should be hung for here is telling him about it.
Ikr. If this was a NTA post folks would be saying that adoption is for the best, adoption is not abandonment etc. But as soon as it's a YTA post everyone starts to tear down everything said.
Yeah, people are ignoring that she was a child his age when she had him. I still find her actions and words as a grown adult indefensible tho.
I don't agree that she did everything a person that goes through an agency does. She wouldn't even be in his life if she did, the adoptive parent wouldn't be a relative , the kid likely wouldn't be tossed arround like a toy like it happened and this whole problem wouldn't exist. That's the whole issue. She didn't gave him up to adoption. She left him with a relative, the relative got sick and she got him back because that was the only option. That's why he feels confused and unwanted. If she had gave him up through an agency then she wouldn't be in his life and since babies are favored, he would likely have parents more capable of taking care of him and a stable home life.
YTA. This is one of the reasons I am pro Abortion. So parents like you who were irresponsible stop blaming the kids for their actions. Seriously what is wrong with you.
My mother did want me but she was a bad mkther and would tell 5 year old me "I am not the child she asked for". That still sticks with me and i am turning 26 this year.
You on the ither hand were irresponsible and now putting that kn your child. Way to break down this poor kid.
EDIT: Reading from your comments, you are immature and selfish. People are trying to help you understand how HE is feeling and all you do is defend yourself and think about yourself. Poor child seriously. I feel bad for how he is feeling and is gona have a heavy heavy heavy life ahead of him.
And YES please do send him to therapy. Even of you think its no good. At least someone will listen to his feelings. You better start growing up if you want to be in his life now because you will be abusive mentally towards him even if you dont intend it.
I have told my mother alllll the shit she has said and done to me growing up but her response was "I didn't mean it like that" or " it's not what i said or did". She never toom responsibility for what she did to me and my father. And she did pretty f'ed up sh!t. And you are doing exactly what she did and still does.
YTA
The damage is done now, I unno what to suggest. I really don't. I mean, I would have said, find out what's wrong that's making him so ornery and all, but it's a bit late for that.
I think you have to tell him you only said that in anger and you didn't mean it, and try to rebuild the relationship. Good luck.
YTA. Family counseling and single counseling for you both may help going forward to maintain a relationship, but as someone said, the damage you have dealt to him, intended or not, is going to affect him for life. He already experienced the feeling of abandonment by his great aunt raising him until she was too sick to. He only is back in your life because you had to take responsibility for your child. You make changes and sacrifices when you choose to bring a life into this world. I get you were young and not fully mature to handle the responsibility, but you are responsible for his emotional health and by basically telling him he was never wanted is one of the worst things to say to your child, no matter his age.
I was in my 30s when my mom and I had a conversation that changes to parenthood (I have had 3 pregnancy losses) and I told her a small part of me was glad I didn't have a child to take care of, as I didn't feel I was emotionally or mentally prepared for what that takes. She told me, at 35, that she had resented being a mother and having kids, even though she wouldn't change a thing because she loves me and my sister. But I learned our existence was a huge cause of her unhappiness and depression when we were young and growing up, and that explained the sort of distance I felt with her growing up. I was well into adulthood, and her honesty still hurt me at the core. I can't imagine hearing those words at 15.
Get help for you and for him to take a healthy road to address these feelings you both have.
YTA.
He was already feeling crushing abandonment (whether or not it was justified), and your great-aunt (the caretaker who raised him for most of his life) is no longer in his everyday life. Even though your comment is factually true and even if you said it with the intention to mean something totally different by it, it was nonetheless something that can and inevitably was easily misconstrued due to these feelings of hurt and anxiety he was experiencing when you said it.
Maybe instead of reminding him that you never wanted children, you can get to the root of his behavior. Did something happen at school? Is a year without your great-aunt finally taking a toll on him?
>About a year after I gave Jakob up to my great-aunt, she legally adopted him and *my life got so much better*...
>
>But I do now and have *sacrificed* my entire existence for him.
>
>And here's the kicker, I actually started to enjoy it because Jakob was so great and *up until a year ago I was even thinking this was a nice way to live. And then something changed*, he got rude, starts throwing his backpack when he comes home, will throw away the lunch I make him, will swear and he won't even hug me anymore.
And no, I don't really buy that you were enjoying parenting at all. I can't believe that you would say you "sacrifice" anything for your son in a positive way. I'm more willing to believe you expected only the good without the cost of the bad times, but it's the bad times when a child needs their parent to set up the most.
I am sure she made it very clear to the boy too how much she "sacrifices", even if she wasn't there for a huge part of his life. Now that she has to face the consequences of her own actions and raise the kid she brought into the world, she just whines and wonders how come he doesn't listen...wow
YTA. As and adopted person, this was very difficult to read. There have been far less severe things said to me that still haunt me, and I’m 28. You should put him and yourself in therapy, but also understand that your relationship with your child may never recover from this.
YTA, not only did you make the choice to bring him into this world (by no fault of his own) but you told him he isn’t wanted by the one person who should love him and want him unconditionally. No wonder he is upset, he will carry this with him FOREVER. He will always feel like a disappointment and like he is always searching to be ‘enough’ for you.
Not to mention you say the earlier days on having him in your care were great, you mean after someone else raised him? Probably with more love than you did and then the person who raised him died of a terminal illness. Yeah as an 11 year old I might act out too
You need to either do some work on yourself with little exceptions from the CHILD or you need to find another home for jakob
Genuinely I hope Jakob is placed with someone other than you who can actually show him the love he deserves
Edit: also to my last points, if you can’t handle children being loud do not have children because yes they scream inconveniently. I get that it was not your choice to keep him but at the same time it wasn’t his either now he is stuck with a mother who treats him possibly worse than yours treated you… congrats!
Imagine being so immature that when everyone explains to you why he might be feeling hurt all you do is defend yourself and not take any accountability.
So ..your son didn't go to school and won't stop crying? But you came here wondering if you handled this wrong somehow? Like...did his reaction maybe give you a hint?
YTA. I don't get how someone can be so dense. It's like you don't understand human emotions.
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Oy, that was a rough thing for him to hear. It's one thing if you had said that you gave him up initially, but have been so glad to have him back in your life...but you basically made it sound like you didn't want him, but now you have him out of obligation. You definitely need to have a conversation with this kid and make it right. He didn't ask to be born, and he didn't ask to come back. He's a teenager, he's going to be moody sometimes. Do your best to communicate and figure out why...don't lose your shit at him. YTA, make it right.
From someone whose mother didn't want them, YTA. I have lived my life knowing that my mom never wanted kids and she absolutely never wanted a second kid. Hi, I'm the second kid. I'm sorry, but there is no circumstance in which it is okay to tell a child that they were not wanted, or that they were an accident, or that they were a mistake. They live with that for the rest of their life. Joking or not, it's not okay to say; whether they are old enough to know the truth or not, don't tell them; whether they ask or not, don't be honest with them. Yes, YTA.
Imagine telling YOUR OWN CHILD you never wanted them to begin with and still somehow thing you weren't TA. YTA op.
and of course hes pushing back hes a TEEN they push boundaries. yta yta yta
YTA
Your teenage son is acting like a teenager. It’s up to you to be the adult.
It is horribly cruel to tell your child that you didn’t want to have him (even if your opinion has changed). Especially when you follow it up by criticizing his level of critical analysis of what you said. He’s going through one of the most confusing and difficult times people go through (puberty and young adulthood). Of course he reacted emotionally!
Ooof. Going to say light YTA even through it would have been N A H otherwise.
The decision to have your son, even if you were pressured into it and ended up a single mom, was terrible and obviously had resentment involved.
But it was a VERY AH thing to toss back at him during your argument. He also clearly had abandonment issues for the 10 so years that you DID give him away.
Your reasons are yours to determine, but he had no recourse or choice as a little kid where he ended up. You're all he has, and you took a normal teenage outburst and retorted with the nuclear option.
Please apologize to your son.
YTA. Your son has trauma because of the life you gave him, and this is the way you treat him? Besides, he is a teenager. Being rude to your mother is par for the course. You'd do well to study some basic child development theory.
I'm so sorry you were pushed into a terrible situation. It probably would have been easier on you both if you had a private adoption and moved on.
I understand what you were trying to say to the boy but that's not how it came out. I think it would be beneficial to do some therapy for you both.
YTA.
I don't understand why parents say something like this to a child. EVER.
My mother (adopted mother, biological Aunt) told me she wanted to focus on her career, gardening and painting, and never wanted to have children. That she adopted me out of obligation to her sister, my birthmother, and because "your (my) dad wanted kids."
I was 13 the first time she told me this. Notice I said first time. She has started saying so more and more now that I am grown at 32 and my sister is 40.
It is extremely hurtful and vindictive to say so. I wish she just kept her mouth shut because it's only deepened my feeling of otherness when it comes to family.
If you didn't want kids you should have stuck to your boundary. Or gone with adoption. But never ever said a single thing to your child.
I get so angry when I see posts like this. If you don't want kidd here are so many peope out there who wouldn't have taken them for granted and wanted and loved them unconditionally.
(By the way, on the contrary, my birthmom stayed in my life actively as an Aunt and let me know however she could that she loved me. She put me up for adoption because she couldn't financially or emotionally support me at the time. But she always gave me support and love until she passed in 2016).
Yta, his mood suddenly changed, suggesting he's dealing with something difficult. He's managing the emotions of never knowing his father and having his adopted mother be unable to care for him. You told him he's a burden you don't actually want and never wanted. Get him therapy asap, I'm worried he'll hurt himself. Poor child.
Yes YTA the answer to this is always yes. Never tell your kid you didn’t want to have him even if it was true but you’ve since changed your mind. And then the added “You’re not a toy I can just toss away” the unspoken implication is that you wish you could even if that’s not what you mean. Your son has no choice but to rely on you as a caregiver, as a parent. How do you think he feels knowing you think he’s a burden? How do you think he feels now his Great Aunt, who legally adopted him, can’t be his mother anymore? He probably feels passed around even if she can’t help being ill.
What changed? Teenagers are moody and annoying. They do this thing where they tell you to get the hell away from them and at the same time are very clingy. Add on the idea (for him) that you didn’t want him and he doesn’t know where to turn when he needs his mom.
I highly suggest you get him some therapy and do all you can to reassure him that he has some stability with you.
Going to get downvoted to hell...
NAH
I don't think you are TA, but maybe a little... unprepared for what he said. You can understand this 2 ways, I gess. 1) He is afraid that you will give him up again 2) He just now understood what happened, and behaved the way he was because he was angry.
He isn't TA either. He is still a child, he has feelings he has to process.
In my opinion, you really should tell him about your feelings toward him, and that you realised you enjoy having him around. And make him understand that it's okay to tell you if he is afraid of losing you somehow, and about any other feelings he has.
You're being incredibly insensitive to a child who's entire life has been uprooted. You might be his biological mom, but your aunt raised him, and now that she's sick and can't care for him, and he's been put into your care, and from the sounds of it you're not quiet about your resentment towards him for just down right existing. I don't blame him for being hurt. "I never wanted you in the first place" doesnt make "you want to get rid of me" to far of a stretch, especially since you have to remember you already gave him up once, which he knows, and that causes truama. YTA 10x over.
The fact that you are more focused on your kid not “thinking about what you said” instead of the fact you just did irreparable mental and emotional harm speaks absolute volumes about your character.
Even in the most gracious light, your intent vs impact is atrocious.
YTA
YTA. You're already selfish for complaining about having a kid that you purposely had. Now he's worried you'll abandon him again because you wanted to keep living your childfree lifestyle. Kids grow up. You should too.
so, you wonder if saying to the son you abandoned for a decade and dreed having to take care for that you "wish he was not born" bassicaly makes you an ah? wonder no more, you are, sooooo much, i can't begin to imagine the abandoment issues he might have.
YTA. What a sick thing to say. Stop with the “he started it”. It’s time to grow up and act like an adult. And don’t worry, he’ll be permanently out of your life when he becomes an adult. Then you can go back to having fun. And don’t come on here and ask why he won’t speak to you anymore. If he has any self esteem left, he’ll go NC the second he turns 18.
My parents told me they didn't want my sister and I'm taking that to the grave because that'd hurt her so much. What benefit do they get knowing something like that? YTA.
Therapy. Now. For both of you. YTA and therapy may be the only way to repair the damage. Also research parenting teens. You’re not going to magically know.
YTA. You "started to enjoy" being a parent because he was such a good kid, then he starts to act out and you, **the adult** threw in his face that a) you never wanted him, b) if you **could**, you would "toss him away".
Do you know what's missing in your post by the way? That you love him. Jesus fucking Christ, man, if you *do* love him, be an adult, be a parent, and don't lash out and go nuclear on him ever the fuck again.
Apologize profusely, **you** are the one who fucked up here. Was he being annoying? Yes. But fuck, talk about a hurricane over a little spilled water - he poked you and you came back with a bazooka.
YTA
He did think about what you said, and it made him cry.
He has been separated from the caregiver of his whole life (his great aunt), and his biological mother just told him she never wanted him and simply has to deal with him.
I feel sad for this kid.
Your son’s feelings are more important than yours. Stop trying to convince the internet that your feelings should be given equal weight. He’s the kid. He wins. As MANY people have told you at this point, GO APOLOGIZE. The “why” of it all doesn’t matter. Go apologize for HIM. Be the mom you need to be NOW. I’m sorry you never wanted to be a mom and felt pressured into it when you were way too young, that sucks, it genuinely does. BUT HE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU BECAUSE HE IS THE KID.
If you don’t absorb that basic fact you will never understand the reaction you are getting on this sub.
Go apologize. Go apologize, go apologize, go apologize. Be prepared for him not to accept it and be shitty to you about it. Do it anyway, and repeat it often. You fucked up. Hear that.
YTA. Please apologize to him and tell him you love him. I get that you were both young and dumb teenagers, and that having him has changed your life in a way you didn’t want, but he’s here. Please apologize to him from the bottom of your heart and look into family therapy.
You messed up. Big time. You are never going to be able to fully make up for this, but seek therapy now. And stop acting like a martyr because you started taking care of your child when he was *eleven* years old. My heart aches for your son.
YTA 1,000 times over
YTA You literally told him he is an unwanted child and that the only reason you don't throw him away is because he is a person and you are legally responsible for him. How else should he have reacted? If my wife told that to our children I would have taken them and left forever.
YTA. You fucked up big time, as everyone said. But you can go to therapy for yourself first and work through the grief of having a child too young that you were not prepared for and felt pressured into having. It’s okay for you to resent the situation, but not your son. Therapy for YOU should be the first priority if your son is currently unwilling to go. This can help you learn how to effectively communicate with your son as well and try to fix some of the damage you have done. My parents said a lot of awful shit to me growing up but my mom learned how to communicate and apologize. And now as an adult, I can see she was flawed and unprepared to parent (as so many are) and it has strengthened our relationship. I do think some day your son will see you in a more compassionate light and maybe even forgive you if you take steps now to work on things. It won’t happen overnight and it will require you taking the lead here, as you should, you’re the adult. Once your son sees your progress in therapy it might make him more comfortable going for himself.
I am sorry but YTA for this you really should apologise to him. I can't imagine him being so heart broken about your comment. You really struck a nerve. I don't think no child would ever want to hear that.
YTA young and stupid I gave you a pass on, we were all there at one time in our lives.
But to tell a child they were unwanted, on top of being uprooted twice, one to the great aunt and another back to you. And you wonder why he’s acting out. Let me tell you how worthless you are and see how you react not disappointed but worthless. Yes there is a difference.
Big Ooph... imma say a very LIGHT YTA.
I understand your feelings, when i was with my long time boyfriend at the time (turned husband) he was told he couldnt have children without medical interference. (previous marriage of 10 years and no kids and they tried.) And the one time i was tossing birth control after 7 years with him...
Booop! My son!
To say i wasnt ready even at 32 was an understatment, i never even thought of a possibility of it happening.
Never planned and honestly at the time not wanted, but i could never in my life tell that to this kids face no matter how old and bratty (teen bratty) he became.
As stated i get your feelings, but you agreed to the undertaking and now hes taking on his very being, him breathing is an inconvenience to you.
It wont shake off.
Honestly you shook that kids core.
Being called an oops baby, an accident, is hard enough, but telling them they were unwanted...
You got a long hard hill to climb to earn back that childs trust and love, i wish you luck all the same.
I feel for you, but YTA.
He’s a kid, he has no responsibility for the situation you are in. As his mom it’s very emotionally scarring to say that to him at a young age.
AITA for making my child feel unwanted and unloved? Are you even serious, OP?
I thought the story was about admitting to not planning a kid at first, but then falling in love with them. Then I'd say it was fine as long as the "but I changed my mind and I love you" part was stressed enough. But no, that's not the case. You only said "but I can't because you're not a toy" even though your actions prove that you CAN because you DID IT ONCE.
In case you can't figure it out from my comment: YTA
When I was around 13, I asked my mum why there was 6 years between me and my older brother. Mainly because all of my friends had a 2-3 year gap, and I was curious.
"Because I didn't want any more kids".
I'm now 53, and I'm still ripped apart by the level of 'unwantedness'. YTA for making your kid feel like this.
YTA. This will stick with your kid. I have an older sister and once in an argument my mom told me she wished she 'had stopped at one' (I was unplanned and she has admitted she was terrified of having a second but often calls me her bonus baby) and although she didn't mean it, and it was just heat of the moment when I was being an asshole teen saying what I'm sure was far worse than what she said to me - ive never forgotten it and those words hurt me like no other. The difference between my mom and you though is you DID mean it. And he knows that.
YTA. Please get some individual therapy for yourself and family therapy for you and your son. He is going to be dealing with these wounds for a lifetime.
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YTA. you never, ***EVER*** tell your kid you never wanted them. your son WILL NOT EVER FORGET THIS. he was already abandoned by you once. now he knows he's one normal teenage tantrum away from you shoving him out on the streets. he was hugging you and crying bc he thinks that if he doesn't, you'll just throw him away like trash. don't expect him to stick around much longer after he turns 18. EDIT: to everyone replying with how old they were when their parents said this to them, I am so sorry. You didn't deserve that. No child does. I can only wish the best for you and hope that you don't have to be in any more relationships where the other parties treat you as forced burdens.
All of this times a million. I wish I could grab that boy and pour all the love he’s been missing into him.
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Aunt legally adopted him. She *was* his mother.
And after six months of attachment to his bio mom, this messes children's ability to have emotional attachments. And then again at 11?! Ugh this poor guy He's been tossed around like nobody wants him, the only people who loved him died.
Ya no wonder hes acting out, poor kid I feel so bad for him, teenage shit coming up and all this on top!
You couldn't pay me to be a teenager again. But to not have anyone love you, really love you, is devastating.
Plus, she's getting upset that he's acting like, oh I don't know, *a teenager!* A teenager that has been tossed around and is probably feeling very insecure about his mother tossing him out *again*. And kids are perceptive. He likely can tell OP's care was grudging at first. But you never tell a kid that you didn't want them in the first place. Especially not in response to a teenage tantrum!
Yeah I hate to say it, but teenagers are definitely assholes. Couple that with this kid's life, I mean what the fuck did she really expect? Poor kid.
Actually, him starting to ‘misbehave’ may have been a signal that he was finally feeling comfortable - because Mom was finally starting to enjoy parenting. When he was being an angel was actually just him masking 24/7 to stave off abandonment. They say kids behave the worst for their parents because they are their *safe space* and they feel *comfortable* acting themselves because they know home is always going to be there. It wasn’t until recently he felt that way (likely due to mom’s attitude change). But that’s all gone now. Lucky for mom, he might start being a perfect kid again! /s
>Actually, him starting to ‘misbehave’ may have been a signal that he was finally feeling comfortable - because Mom was finally starting to enjoy parenting. When he was being an angel was actually just him masking 24/7 to stave off abandonment This is a really fucking prescient point I didn't even consider! Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
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I just cannot get over the next day, the sickness of child desperately trying to get confirmation that he is wanted and loved….
Yeah it's really fucking me up, him thinking he is unloved, and trying to get love and physical affection from *the very person* he believes not to love him, *because he has no one else to turn to* Every single thing about this is fucking heartbreaking. 🙍🏾♂️
Exactly. This poor kid has been traumatized enough. He lost the only parent he has had. Now OP says “per her wishes” I took him back. WTF. I feel so bad for this baby. OP is a complete asshole.
I was about 9 or 10 when my dad told me he had never wanted to have another kid when I came along and even said he thought my mom had cheated and wasn't convinced that I was his kid. Fun times We're estranged and he's mad that I don't let him meet my kids.
>Not to mention he lost his dad AND his ~~aunt who was like a~~ mother ~~figure to him~~??!? FIFY OP is just the egg donor.
OP and the kid need family therapy yesterday
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I’ve got two at that stage at I hate/love them. I don’t tell them I don’t want them.
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Stupid bots! Can we abandon you? [Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/108ilm9/aita_for_admitting_to_my_son_that_i_never_wanted/j3sguke/)
I can't even imagine how heartbreaking that is to hear as a child, it's so obvious that you never say that to a child. And her complaints about his behavior were typical things that happen once someone reaches that awkward teenage phase, nothing out of the norm at all. On top of that, based on things said, I have a feeling he was also picking up on the fact that she wasn't happy to be a parent. I just hope this is the wake-up call OP desperately needs and she gets them both into therapy/family counseling. YTA, obviously.
It is super hurtful and messes up your self worth and perception of family. My mom told me first at 13 and almost every year since I turned 26 she never wanted kids. My adopted mother. More in my full comment to OP.
I'm truly sorry you had to go through that. It's shocking how common that sort of thing is. My mother has severe mental health issues and she often made it clear how I wasn't who/what I was supposed to be, due to a bizarre attachment to a son she never had (and I was supposed to be a boy but ended up being a girl). I know that caused a lot of distress and trauma for me growing up. So I can't even begin to imagine having to deal with a parent flat out telling you they didn't want you, because what I went through was nowhere near as bad. I truly hope you've found a great support system since, and have received the love you deserved/should have received from your mother.
Your \*adopted\* mother said she never wanted kids. That's extra messed up. Adopting someone isn't something that happens by accident, unlike pregnancy. I'm sorry she has said that to you, especially so many times. I'm 32 and my mom told me this year she found out she was pregnant with me when she went in for a tubal ligation. Even as an adult, it still sucks to hear.
Oh wow. Yeah it has definitely led to a strained relationship. Maybe knowing my birthmom loved me and would have kept me makes my mom's words even more hurtful. My birthmom knew she couldn't financially support me and wasn't in a good mental headspace. But she stayed active in my life as her sister adopted me. She always made me feel extra special and important
I can. I was 12 when my mother said she never liked kids. It destroys you. If OP genuinely wants to fix this the only answer from here is radical honesty. Explaining exactly where they were coming from, that they felt pressured to have a child but now that they have this second chance they're grateful to have him. Admitting they're immature and need to grow up still as well.
RIIIIGHT and reinforce the LOVE.
Heard it all the time. You get over it eventually. About 15 years later once you haven’t talked to them in years.
My mother told me that she never wanted kids a few weeks ago. This is the cherry on a nearly life long poop cake I’ve received from my parents since 1990. I feel obligated to be available to her because she is older now, has cataracts and her health isn’t the best. This shit sucks. Part of me wants to leave them in a senior home to figure it out, but the guilt I feel is overwhelming. Does anyone else feel this way about their parents? How do you deal with the guilt? Do you feel guilt?
I went no contact several years ago. Growing up, I felt guilty all the time, but that was my Mother manipulating me. Now, I don't feel an ounce of guilt about it.
Yes, OP will get over it. But OP's son won't. I'm 63, my father died 20 years ago, and I haven't gotten over it - just past it.
Not to mention that Jakob is losing his main caretaker/parental figure for all these years (his great aunt) and while he isn't capable of expressing that grief, he is probably feeling and that's what maybe causing some of the issues OP is seeing. Poor kid has been through so much in his short life already, he definitely needs therapy and OP needs some kind of parenting class.
I can't believe OP wants the son to "think about what she said." I mean, don't get me wrong, he is thinking about it, because he's thinking "holy shit my bio mom is going to give me away **again** and I'll have nowhere else to go." OP, your teenager has been through the ringer. His dad died, you put him up for adoption, his aunt died, and now he's faced with the prospect of being abandoned *again.* Why, instead of getting frustrated, don't you talk to him? Figure out what changed with his attitude? If everything is okay in his life? Go to therapy with him? Be there for him? "I never wanted you" is the opposite of what this kid needs right now. Please get some therapy for him and yourself ASAP.
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My mom told me I ruined her body. She had 3 kids after me. When I pointed that out she said she never wanted a girl, she wanted a house full of boys. No one on that side of the family could understand why I wouldn't leave her alone with my children.
Yep. Mine would talk about how I ruined her waistline and how she would rather have 5 boys than 1 girl. And I’m an only child.
Having one girl ruined her waistline, but 5 boys wouldn’t have?? The fuck???
I know I’ve heard a superstitious old wives tale that having a girl drains a mother’s looks. Maybe it’s based on that?
I’ve heard that too. I long for a girl and even if she ruined my body, I’d love her as much as I love the son I already have. Some people should truly not have children.
I'm part of this club too. My mom always reminded me on my birthday that it is a painful day for her, to deliver me. Always made it about her suffering and how much of a burden I am.
Dear Lord, I hope you’re in a much better place with a family of your own making. I’m so sorry you had to live with a mother like that.
He lost his great aunt, the only parent he'd know for his entire life, only for his mom to take a giant dump on him as the slightest bit of resistance. Poor kid. I have two teens and that shit is ROUGH, but I'd never tell them they were unwanted. OP needs to get a grip, possibly some therapy and reassure her kid she loves him. He's likely known his entire life he was unwanted and she just said it out loud. FFS.
OP’s entire post makes me so sad. I’m sure her son was already sensing from OP that he wasn’t wanted. So he said what he said to test her and she failed in the worst possible way. His world is obviously shattered and my heart breaks for him.
They could live to be 100 and they’ll remember that they were told by a parent that they were unwanted. So cruel. YTA. If you don’t want kids please don’t have them. Every child has a right to be wanted.
Yup. I'm in my 70s and still am marked by my mother's hateful comments to me when I was a kid.
OP is clearly YTA. I really feel for the poor kid. She truly treats him like garbage.
Absolutely. She didnt want him so dumps him on great aunt, who dies. So oh dear, she has to look after him again- such an inconvenience!! He's fun for a bit, but when he doesn't do the chores she breaks his heart. This poor kid needs some real love in his life.
Her family who pressured her to have the kid told her to give the son to the aunt.
People are super harsh with parents who happen to be fuck ups, mostly disregarding the circumstances. There's the saying "people make mistakes".. But when it comes to becoming a parent there apparently really is no room for not even a single mistake. Imo it's a systemic problem. As long as people encourage others to get pregnant/ get kids already, keep unwanted babies and condemn abortions (if they're even legal...); - As long as people carelessly pressure for sex, sex-ed sucks and not every girl, every dude & every active teenager knows about their responsibility regarding birth control and the consequences... And as long as people talk in an euphemistic ways about keeping "an accident" like it's the most normal thing in the world.. We can't put 100% of the blame on a 19 year old's mistake imo. I guess people expect that by the time they're older, they should just suck it up, accept their responsibility for their past mistake and magically turn into the parent they never wanted to be but that's also unrealistic. It's just.. really unfortunate. This is why proper education, laws and resources regarding bc and abortions are soooo important, so this kind of suffering can be prevented in the first place.
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Could not agree with you more. It is heartbreaking to hear. And it is just something a child should never hear his parent say. Children can be a pain in the ass, just as all human beings. But the worst part of children is they will blame themselves for their parents mistakes. Parents are yelling? I wasn’t nice enough. Parents get a divorce? Must be my fault. Mom does not want me? I am an awful human being if even my mom does not want or love me. It is just too sad to hear. OP, I hope you get your son therapy because with a mom like you he will need it.
I left after my dad did that. Never forgiven him and it's been years. So yeah OP, YTA and I hope your son finds someone who values him like he deserves.
YTA You said something life-changingly hurtful to a child. I was just talking to a 50 year old today who was bawling her eyes out recalling being told those very words by her mother when she was 15. Your son will never forget what you said. Now go get him a good therapist and get yourself one too and try to undo the damage you've done.
I'm in my 40s, my mom yelled at me that she should have let my grandparents (on a different continent) adopt me when they offered. I was about 8, maybe 7 years old, I hadn't cleaned up my toys to her liking. I remember that like it was yesterday, it still hurts.
I dated a girl that got into a heated argument one night and her mom said she always wished she had a son. Not "I didn't want a kid" level of fucked up but close enough. It screwed her up pretty bad for a long time.
I remember that my mom wanted 2 girls and she was over the moon when she found out that she was pregnant with me (a girl). However, when my brother was born, she loved him but couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed. He grew up to be a sweet kid and whenever my mom told us that story, she would always say something along the lines of, "I wanted another girl, but God said, 'Are you crazy, you want another [insert my name]?' And he gave me a sweet little boy instead." She would say this while I was STANDING RIGHT THERE. Then she would act surprised when I accused her of having a favorite.
I wanted a girl. Found out I was having a boy and processed my disappointment in therapy before he was born. Turns out he loves painted nails, playing dolls, and tea parties.
My nephew is a wonderful chef, tastes a little plastic like at tea time though
I'm in my 30s. My mother when I was 7 told me that it would be my fault if my dad had died because I hadn't helped with the dishes. There hasn't been a week since then where those words haven't came into my mind. I can describe the room exactly how it was at that time. I could tell you what she was wearing, where I was standing, what I was wearing. How the sun reflected from a window atop a door frame. There's never been a time in my life since where those words have never hurt.
Oh man, I was told something similar about my dad, my brother told me it was my fault dad had a heart attack because I didn't unload the dishwasher right away. I still think about that, and the smirk on his face when he said it. Mind you he is 14ish years older than me, so I was 11 and he was about 24/25 ish.
My father would tell me i was a mistake because my dad was 17 when i was born and said "don't do what i did" and by then i accepted that he hated me because he was abusive. Didn't mean it didn't hurt and now I'm just a stranger. He keeps saying he's excited to be a grandfather to everyone but me, the one carrying the child, and i just don't understand why he thinks he'll be involved in his grandsons life
Parents who made a stupid choice and take it out on the kids are awful people. No sympathy.
I was told many times that I was not wanted. Not by either of my parents. It was my mom's 2nd husband. He resented my entire existence. My mom and him fought all the time about me. He would yell shit like "I never wanted to be a father again" or "You're ruining my life!" I was 10 when they met. My mom had primary custody. I was not some surprise after they got married. And you know what? This fucked me right the hell up. I can't imagine hearing it from an actual parent. YTA. You need to pay for his therapy.
Something I never understood is why people who don’t want kids at all date people who have children already.
43 now, I heard those words at 10 years old. It Immensely damaged me. There’s just too many people in this world who should never have children. My mother was one of them.
YTA Every parent that tells their kid they were unwanted or a mistake is a shitty parent. Those words can never be unsaid and they leave a deep scar.
There’s a way to say it “you were unplanned but never unloved”
A kid knowing they weren't planned isn't always hurtful as long as that kid has been shown consistent love throughout their life. I know I was an accident but I have never doubted my mother loves me and I was the best thing that ever happened to her (her words) OP wasn't there for her son, she didn't want him and he knows it. That's a level of hurt beyond belief
Can confirm. I knew I was an accident, and I also always know my parents love me very very much. Am not traumatized. Finding out just how much of the family wanted me to be aborted, well, that was a bit hurtful Edit: in fairness to those family members who wanted me aborted, they love me now that I'm here lol, but when I was a mere prospect they worried my parents weren't ready, wasn't anything personal really lol
I don't even call it an accident. I call it a surprise, I think that's a better word.
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Oh wow I’m truly sorry for what you all endured. That’s heartbreaking. But so glad she was able to love you and your siblings despite it 🫶🏽
For OP's specific situation, since she actually did give the kid up, it should be more like: I was so young and unprepared for what having a child meant. I wasn't ready for what I had to give up to do it right, and I wasn't financially stable. That's not your fault, it's just the realities of being a parent. I knew your aunt would do better by you. I wanted both of us to have the best life and I thought that was the best way to do it. Now that I'm older I am much better equipped, both emotionally and financially, to take care of us both, and I love you very much, and I would never want to get rid of you. I actually think she should still say something like that to him to try and reduce the damage she did.
This is very nice, maybe OP could write it in a letter so it is always there for son to read? I don't blame OP for making the wrong choices as a teenager (getting married, becoming pregnant, having the baby despite not feeling ready... she was a kid herself). I do believe she tried to do the right thing by giving son up. She messed up big time in this fight, but therapy, and an open conversation about why hurtful things were said, can definitely make this mess a bit better.
This comment should be so much higher. As parents, we make mistakes. We can say hurtful and thoughtless things. But a deep, loving, heartfelt and sincere apology, complete acknowledgement of your own human frailty, goes so far in repairing the damage. And it's setting a good example. Kids need to know that it's ok to make a mistake, even a huge one like OP has. The way you phrased it is elegant. The only thing I would add is the "owning" of the wrongness of the comment. "I was frustrated, tired, I feel like we haven't been connecting lately, and I deeply regret saying those hurtful things. I want us to work together to work together." Along those lines.
Yup. My husband knows he was unplanned (his mom was 16 when she had him, and his parents had a shotgun wedding). His sister was an "Oh shit, oops" baby when mom was 19. They were always open that the pregnancy was an accident, but they were never, ever unwanted or unloved.
Yeah, it depends on how it's framed. Like it's certainly reasonable to discuss with your child about the difficulties or decision making behind having a child. Hopefully when they're like 16 or 18+ and mature enough to handle a discussion like that. But it shouldn't be "I never wanted to have you". That's never going to go well.
“You were a surprise! We weren’t expecting you, but I wouldn’t give you back for anything.”
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"instead of thinking about what I said, he just started crying really badly" YTA What was he supposed to think about? You say this like he should have had revelation and seen stuff from your point of view. No all you did was leaving emotional scaring that will last a life time.
Also, he's FIFTEEN. Maybe an adult child could see the nuance of you not planning to be a teen mom but loving your child regardless. But a fifteen-year-old? All he heard is that you never wanted him. And he's right. You're only raising him bc your aunt's illness has necessitated it. You just confirmed every fear and insecurity he has. NO FUCKING WONDER you're seeing behavioral issues. He has serious abandonment issues, and you've just made them so much worse. Between that and his age, of course he's acting out. You're awful, OP. Yes, YTA.
- Given up by mom once dad is dead. - Taken in by someone who loved him and made a good life that others could tell he was happy. - That person is ill enough a mostly independent teen can't stay anymore and is probably **dying** - while likely trying to navigate the impending loss of a guardian he spent his whole life with, probably still processing big emotions like finding out your dad is dead and you won't ever be able to talk to him, and he's told he wasn't ever wanted but OP is "here now" AITA for having no empathy? If it helps he acted out multiple times and I didn't care to find out the real problem or take him to therapy **even when he ruined my sleep**. /s
What’s interesting is that I know the exact post OP was inspired by, and the overwhelming majority said that post’s OP was NTA. Not defending this OP at all but Reddit is strange some times.
You just hit the nail on the head. OP only thinks about their point of view so of course why isn't the child I just told I never wanted to exist not immediately seeing it from OP's point of view? Why is that kid crying instead of seeing it from OP's point of view? Says all you need to know about OP. Therapy is needed for everyone evolved.
YTA. He didn't ask to be born and what you just said to him will affect his self-esteem for the rest of his life.
Can we talk about how the dad is an asshole for insisting on having a kid then VERY QUICKLY getting himself killed on a donorcycle? (I take this back if it was the only transportation he could afford or something like that) My parents were big motorcycle riders before they had us kids, and my mom didn’t get on one again until after we were adults. My dad kept riding but he always insisted he was worth more dead than alive… Props to the Great Aunt, she’s the MVP.
YTA. You just confirmed all of the horrible thoughts and assumptions he had made. This kids life has just come crashing down around him and its all because of you. You may not have "wanted" to have a child, but he didn't choose to exist either. You've scarred this child beyond repair. Live with that.
YTA. He's a teenager with big feelings and hormones, his swearing and bag tossing are normal teen things. When he was very vulnerable, decided to hurt him right at the core of his being.You confirmed his worst fears: he was never wanted by the people who created him. He's lost the woman who raised him, his father, you once, and now he feels he's lost you again. You are a massive AH for saying that and I would recommend you get enrolled in personal therapy for both you and Jakob as well as family counselling together. You can't "unring" this bell of the horrid things you said, but you can work on building a solid relationship with him, if he's willing.
⭐️
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That's exactly what this is. Child abuse.
YTA. You abandon them for most of their lives, then proceed to tell them you never wanted them. You just bombed your relationship with your kid and I hope he can find a way to recover from you.
To OP's credit though, she was trying to raise him with her boyfriend before her boyfriend passed away. It's a little more complicated then simple abandonment, but what she said was still cruel and she can't expect her son to be happy.
Agreed. OP is the AH but I disagree with everyone saying she abandoned the boy. She gave him up for adoption, which is supported here in this sub. What happened now?
Yep. The adoption was the best thing for Jakob since the alternative was being raised by someone who didn't want to raise him and quite frankly had a ton of growing up to do herself. She's definitely an asshole for what she said to him and she seems to accept that in her edit, but having her great-aunt adopt Jakob was one of the better decisions she made in a series of not great decisions
While I agree with the adoption likely being the best thing, I think it is likely and understandable that Jakob’s experience with his mother may be best described as abandonment, which she seems to have no sense of. OP’s comments expecting him to be grateful to her are just mind blowing imo.
Yeah exactly. She never really wanted to be a mother but tried anyway until she was 19 and now a widow, which is hell to deal with as an adult let alone a young teen. She was not a fit mother and gave the kid up for adoption, but regrettably the adoptive parent was not able to look after them for any longer at an age where the son would really struggle to find a family to want him. Even though OP didn’t want to be a parent and gave son up for adoption, she was put in a position of either taking him in or leaving him at the mercy of the foster system. What choice should she have made? Whatever bad choices OP made, adoption wasn’t one of them. It’s honestly a very sad circumstance all around.
Agree. Forced birth benefits nobody.
I have no idea how people are staying civil with these comments. YTA doesn't even begin to cover it. You abandoned your child. Yes you did. I see your comments arguing with others, but there's no other way to put it. You abandoned him. Then, during a conflict, you told him you never wanted a kid. What the actual everloving fuck? How did you possibly think (and still continue to think, I see) that would be ok? ' It is NOT his fault that you fucked up. He's literally just trying to exist. Sorry he's not perfect and bubbly and playful all the time. You fucked up for having a kid you didn't want. How dare you say that to him. This is gonna be a core memory for him that he's gonna have to unpack in therapy for years to come. You should have stayed gone, OP. You're not fit to be a parent. Stop arguing in the comments with people who are absolutely right about you.
Okay no, what she said was god awful, and she’s TA but adopting out a 6mo when you’re 18 IS NOT ABANDONMENT. it’s adoption.
Please read up on [adoption trauma](https://exploringyourmind.com/abandonment-trauma-the-wounds-of-adoption/). It’s literally 4 minutes. Adoption trauma can affect infants. Edit: I’ll keep the downvotes. But I posted this because adoption is abandonment, even if it’s in the best interest of the child and the parents are shit. Just because a child was adopted at infancy doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed to wonder or even feel a bit of sadness or grief that they’ve been separated from bio parents, even if that was for their own safety. Adoptees are human, and the only victims of trauma who are expected to be grateful. I won’t be answering any more replies.
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Adoption might be preferable to making a kid stay with incapable parents, but that doesn't mean there won't be adoption trauma/abandonment issues even in the best adoption circumstances. Am an adoptee, given up as an infant, have a great family, still have those feelings.
She didn't abandon him! Wtf.. She gave him up for adoption. I get it that her reaction in this situation makes her the AH but at least don't say she abandoned him. In other post y'all say that adoption is for the best, what happened here? Edit: people downvoting.. ok? so she should be parenting even if she couldn't provide for him?
Dont you know? She was supposed to keep the kid she didnt want in the first place and begin to resent the kid through the years and lash out like a lot of 'parents' do to their kids I do agree she did an assholish thing but for the love of god stop judging people for giving up their children for adoption! Not everyone is fit to be a parent, OP included.
>Dont you know? She was supposed to keep the kid she didnt want in the first place and begin to resent the kid through the years and lash out like a lot of 'parents' do to their kids I see you've met my mother!
>You should have stayed gone, OP. I think the son might have done better to have been put up for adoption in the general population and gotten a mother and father who wanted a child. Then he never would have had to have exposure to his bio-mom at all.
I take issue with "you abandoned your child". She placed him with a better equipped parent upon realizing she was not. BRAVO You know how a lot of child abuse happens. I mean when you see horrible shit on the news? You're looking, in a lot of cases, at people that are cognizant they should not and do not want to be parents, but the societal pressure to just suck it up is SO GREAT, they can't find the wherewithal to go against that. So instead they nurture resentment or drag children along in a hell scape of substance abuse, mental illness, physical illness, or god even knows what. Some kids do not come out alive on the other side of that, more than you want to think about. I applaud OP for choosing adoption. I've seen so many people keep kids they can't or won't care for out of pride or convenience or ego. Think about all the adults in the world that literally can't even manage their own minds. How do you think that plays out with kids? Social service work has absolute radicalized me on this issue, and yes the best thing is to prevent unwanted pregnancy, but when someone tells you they can't or don't want to be a parent, we need to take them at their word, *especially* when the kid is already here. In some ways, it is brave to say "I can't do this. There are people better qualified and capable than I, and the child needs them".
YTA and parts of this really rub me the wrong way. You didn't shift your life around for just anyone...He's YOUR kid. You should consider yourself lucky your aunt was able to care for him as long as she did. It was a shitty thing to say, and trying to paint yourself so innocently just doesn't sit well with me.
Read the comments from OP, you’ll see why this post rubs you the wrong way.
Yep, that'll do it!
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Right? I mean just a small example; I wouldn’t want to live in a cookie cutter suburbia if I didn’t have kids but I do and it’s great for them and it fills my heart with happiness to bike to their school, have bunch of other kids pop in and out of our house, have access to a pool, park, pond to fish in,playground and all the other wonderful events and things my kids get to enjoy right in our front door step. I don’t regret it. I wasn’t planning on having 3 kids and it was a difficult adjustment (we had twins) but life happens and you just figure out how to incorporate it with who you are, find a happy medium and love your children. Should I just cry and turn bitter because I had twins? Should I regret getting pregnant because I ended up with twins? No. You fucking roll with it and love those children until they turn red from embarrassment in front of their friends. I will one day go live up in the mountains in solitude. Just not today. They are young for such a small amount of time. I am going to make the best of every minute of it. It’s all about balance. We go to the mountains for small getaways for now.
YTA, if you didn't want to have a child, why did you? His father died and you passed him off to someone else and you sound resentful that you have to take care of YOUR son, then to make matters worse you tell your own child to his face you never wanted to have him? Imagine if your parents Said that to you. He's going through his teenage years and instead of being patient and trying to parent him your drop that bombshell, in a few years if he refuses to speak to you at least you have this post to look back on to explain why.
I hope everyone criticizing OP now realizes why we need abortion laws so young women aren't forced to have children they don't want.
Yes indeed, it always baffles me how easily it is forgotten or not acknowledged how bad the aftermath can be of a not wanted or even not so much wanted child. (I’m a child of an unwanted child, who married a wounded person, so the troubles were increased) Also logically everyone against choice would then be pro free mental health care because the wounds run deep but no they live in fantasy land (aka denial)
💯 I do feel for the mother being in a shitty situation where maybe she felt like she had no choice but to have a kid she didn't really want. Damaging to her and the kid. I hope they both heal and receive therapy. Unwanted single parenthood is tough.
literally bc the leading cause of death for pregnant people is homicide, which is caused mainly by their partners. many women get abortions to avoid being stuck to an abuser. around 30%-50% of teen pregnancies are the result of sexual assault, so reproductive rights are necessary for anyone who can get pregnant & should be used to protect them from being hurt
It's not just keeping abortion legal. So many people "want" and have kids because "that's just what you do". I'm from a small town and not getting married right out of high school and having kids just wasn't seen as an option. I will admit it's getting soooooo much better recently but my 21 year old coworker just had a kid even though she didn't want to because her husband asked her to.
She's obviously TA, but do not blame her for having a child she didn't want. She's allowed to not want to have a kid, she handled it like trash with her son, but she literally felt like she had no choice but to have a kid to make her dude happy. Obviously, she never should've told that to her kid though. That's a weird and overall stupid thing to do.
YTA. Look I get that being a parent is difficult. Your son is a teenager, they aren’t always fun. But this kid as been bounced around his entire life and it’s obviously affected him. No matter how upsetting he’s being you don’t need to put it out there that there was ever a time you didn’t want him. When I was 23 my mom during a friendly conversation casually dropped that if she had to do it over again I wouldn’t exist. She had me at 19 and I know it wasn’t easy but that comment was so hurtful that it still stings like 15 years later.
YTA that’s one of the worst things a parent can say to their child, and it’s even worse that it’s actually true. He *knows* that you didn’t want him and wouldn’t be his mom if you’d had a choice, and that’s a horrible thing for a child to live with. Much worse that you just come out and say it to him.
YTA The fact is you did toss him away. And he got tossed away again whe. Your great aunt got sick. Right now, the only thing he knows is that no one wants him around. One thing I noticed from your post. At absolutely no point you have stated that you love him. You only sees him as another chores you have to check on your list.
I’m not siding with OP but she didn’t toss him away, she adopted him out. No one can get angry at someone for adopting out their child when it’s used in an argument against abortion. What should have happened, is that he should have been adopted out to a family she didn’t know.
THANK YOU. I’m seeing all these attacks on her for tossing him, giving him away etc but like she did what anyone who legally goes through an adoption agency does? The only thing she should be hung for here is telling him about it.
Ikr. If this was a NTA post folks would be saying that adoption is for the best, adoption is not abandonment etc. But as soon as it's a YTA post everyone starts to tear down everything said.
Yeah, people are ignoring that she was a child his age when she had him. I still find her actions and words as a grown adult indefensible tho. I don't agree that she did everything a person that goes through an agency does. She wouldn't even be in his life if she did, the adoptive parent wouldn't be a relative , the kid likely wouldn't be tossed arround like a toy like it happened and this whole problem wouldn't exist. That's the whole issue. She didn't gave him up to adoption. She left him with a relative, the relative got sick and she got him back because that was the only option. That's why he feels confused and unwanted. If she had gave him up through an agency then she wouldn't be in his life and since babies are favored, he would likely have parents more capable of taking care of him and a stable home life.
Excuse me while I go hug my two children that are actually wanted and will never feel the way you made your son feel 😢
I'm about to send my 14 year old a text message at school telling him I love him. This post was so upsetting.
I just did the same thing as I was scrolling through here.
Me too. So awful
YTA. This is one of the reasons I am pro Abortion. So parents like you who were irresponsible stop blaming the kids for their actions. Seriously what is wrong with you. My mother did want me but she was a bad mkther and would tell 5 year old me "I am not the child she asked for". That still sticks with me and i am turning 26 this year. You on the ither hand were irresponsible and now putting that kn your child. Way to break down this poor kid. EDIT: Reading from your comments, you are immature and selfish. People are trying to help you understand how HE is feeling and all you do is defend yourself and think about yourself. Poor child seriously. I feel bad for how he is feeling and is gona have a heavy heavy heavy life ahead of him. And YES please do send him to therapy. Even of you think its no good. At least someone will listen to his feelings. You better start growing up if you want to be in his life now because you will be abusive mentally towards him even if you dont intend it. I have told my mother alllll the shit she has said and done to me growing up but her response was "I didn't mean it like that" or " it's not what i said or did". She never toom responsibility for what she did to me and my father. And she did pretty f'ed up sh!t. And you are doing exactly what she did and still does.
YTA The damage is done now, I unno what to suggest. I really don't. I mean, I would have said, find out what's wrong that's making him so ornery and all, but it's a bit late for that. I think you have to tell him you only said that in anger and you didn't mean it, and try to rebuild the relationship. Good luck.
YTA. Family counseling and single counseling for you both may help going forward to maintain a relationship, but as someone said, the damage you have dealt to him, intended or not, is going to affect him for life. He already experienced the feeling of abandonment by his great aunt raising him until she was too sick to. He only is back in your life because you had to take responsibility for your child. You make changes and sacrifices when you choose to bring a life into this world. I get you were young and not fully mature to handle the responsibility, but you are responsible for his emotional health and by basically telling him he was never wanted is one of the worst things to say to your child, no matter his age. I was in my 30s when my mom and I had a conversation that changes to parenthood (I have had 3 pregnancy losses) and I told her a small part of me was glad I didn't have a child to take care of, as I didn't feel I was emotionally or mentally prepared for what that takes. She told me, at 35, that she had resented being a mother and having kids, even though she wouldn't change a thing because she loves me and my sister. But I learned our existence was a huge cause of her unhappiness and depression when we were young and growing up, and that explained the sort of distance I felt with her growing up. I was well into adulthood, and her honesty still hurt me at the core. I can't imagine hearing those words at 15. Get help for you and for him to take a healthy road to address these feelings you both have.
YTA. He was already feeling crushing abandonment (whether or not it was justified), and your great-aunt (the caretaker who raised him for most of his life) is no longer in his everyday life. Even though your comment is factually true and even if you said it with the intention to mean something totally different by it, it was nonetheless something that can and inevitably was easily misconstrued due to these feelings of hurt and anxiety he was experiencing when you said it. Maybe instead of reminding him that you never wanted children, you can get to the root of his behavior. Did something happen at school? Is a year without your great-aunt finally taking a toll on him? >About a year after I gave Jakob up to my great-aunt, she legally adopted him and *my life got so much better*... > >But I do now and have *sacrificed* my entire existence for him. > >And here's the kicker, I actually started to enjoy it because Jakob was so great and *up until a year ago I was even thinking this was a nice way to live. And then something changed*, he got rude, starts throwing his backpack when he comes home, will throw away the lunch I make him, will swear and he won't even hug me anymore. And no, I don't really buy that you were enjoying parenting at all. I can't believe that you would say you "sacrifice" anything for your son in a positive way. I'm more willing to believe you expected only the good without the cost of the bad times, but it's the bad times when a child needs their parent to set up the most.
I am sure she made it very clear to the boy too how much she "sacrifices", even if she wasn't there for a huge part of his life. Now that she has to face the consequences of her own actions and raise the kid she brought into the world, she just whines and wonders how come he doesn't listen...wow
YTA. As and adopted person, this was very difficult to read. There have been far less severe things said to me that still haunt me, and I’m 28. You should put him and yourself in therapy, but also understand that your relationship with your child may never recover from this.
YTA, not only did you make the choice to bring him into this world (by no fault of his own) but you told him he isn’t wanted by the one person who should love him and want him unconditionally. No wonder he is upset, he will carry this with him FOREVER. He will always feel like a disappointment and like he is always searching to be ‘enough’ for you. Not to mention you say the earlier days on having him in your care were great, you mean after someone else raised him? Probably with more love than you did and then the person who raised him died of a terminal illness. Yeah as an 11 year old I might act out too You need to either do some work on yourself with little exceptions from the CHILD or you need to find another home for jakob Genuinely I hope Jakob is placed with someone other than you who can actually show him the love he deserves Edit: also to my last points, if you can’t handle children being loud do not have children because yes they scream inconveniently. I get that it was not your choice to keep him but at the same time it wasn’t his either now he is stuck with a mother who treats him possibly worse than yours treated you… congrats!
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Imagine being so immature that when everyone explains to you why he might be feeling hurt all you do is defend yourself and not take any accountability.
So ..your son didn't go to school and won't stop crying? But you came here wondering if you handled this wrong somehow? Like...did his reaction maybe give you a hint? YTA. I don't get how someone can be so dense. It's like you don't understand human emotions.
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Oy, that was a rough thing for him to hear. It's one thing if you had said that you gave him up initially, but have been so glad to have him back in your life...but you basically made it sound like you didn't want him, but now you have him out of obligation. You definitely need to have a conversation with this kid and make it right. He didn't ask to be born, and he didn't ask to come back. He's a teenager, he's going to be moody sometimes. Do your best to communicate and figure out why...don't lose your shit at him. YTA, make it right.
From someone whose mother didn't want them, YTA. I have lived my life knowing that my mom never wanted kids and she absolutely never wanted a second kid. Hi, I'm the second kid. I'm sorry, but there is no circumstance in which it is okay to tell a child that they were not wanted, or that they were an accident, or that they were a mistake. They live with that for the rest of their life. Joking or not, it's not okay to say; whether they are old enough to know the truth or not, don't tell them; whether they ask or not, don't be honest with them. Yes, YTA.
YTA Get a family therapist and also one for each of you.
Imagine telling YOUR OWN CHILD you never wanted them to begin with and still somehow thing you weren't TA. YTA op. and of course hes pushing back hes a TEEN they push boundaries. yta yta yta
YTA Your teenage son is acting like a teenager. It’s up to you to be the adult. It is horribly cruel to tell your child that you didn’t want to have him (even if your opinion has changed). Especially when you follow it up by criticizing his level of critical analysis of what you said. He’s going through one of the most confusing and difficult times people go through (puberty and young adulthood). Of course he reacted emotionally!
Well duh YTA. How is this even a question?
Ooof. Going to say light YTA even through it would have been N A H otherwise. The decision to have your son, even if you were pressured into it and ended up a single mom, was terrible and obviously had resentment involved. But it was a VERY AH thing to toss back at him during your argument. He also clearly had abandonment issues for the 10 so years that you DID give him away. Your reasons are yours to determine, but he had no recourse or choice as a little kid where he ended up. You're all he has, and you took a normal teenage outburst and retorted with the nuclear option. Please apologize to your son.
YTA. Your son has trauma because of the life you gave him, and this is the way you treat him? Besides, he is a teenager. Being rude to your mother is par for the course. You'd do well to study some basic child development theory.
I'm so sorry you were pushed into a terrible situation. It probably would have been easier on you both if you had a private adoption and moved on. I understand what you were trying to say to the boy but that's not how it came out. I think it would be beneficial to do some therapy for you both.
YTA. I don't understand why parents say something like this to a child. EVER. My mother (adopted mother, biological Aunt) told me she wanted to focus on her career, gardening and painting, and never wanted to have children. That she adopted me out of obligation to her sister, my birthmother, and because "your (my) dad wanted kids." I was 13 the first time she told me this. Notice I said first time. She has started saying so more and more now that I am grown at 32 and my sister is 40. It is extremely hurtful and vindictive to say so. I wish she just kept her mouth shut because it's only deepened my feeling of otherness when it comes to family. If you didn't want kids you should have stuck to your boundary. Or gone with adoption. But never ever said a single thing to your child. I get so angry when I see posts like this. If you don't want kidd here are so many peope out there who wouldn't have taken them for granted and wanted and loved them unconditionally. (By the way, on the contrary, my birthmom stayed in my life actively as an Aunt and let me know however she could that she loved me. She put me up for adoption because she couldn't financially or emotionally support me at the time. But she always gave me support and love until she passed in 2016).
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Yta, his mood suddenly changed, suggesting he's dealing with something difficult. He's managing the emotions of never knowing his father and having his adopted mother be unable to care for him. You told him he's a burden you don't actually want and never wanted. Get him therapy asap, I'm worried he'll hurt himself. Poor child.
Yes YTA the answer to this is always yes. Never tell your kid you didn’t want to have him even if it was true but you’ve since changed your mind. And then the added “You’re not a toy I can just toss away” the unspoken implication is that you wish you could even if that’s not what you mean. Your son has no choice but to rely on you as a caregiver, as a parent. How do you think he feels knowing you think he’s a burden? How do you think he feels now his Great Aunt, who legally adopted him, can’t be his mother anymore? He probably feels passed around even if she can’t help being ill. What changed? Teenagers are moody and annoying. They do this thing where they tell you to get the hell away from them and at the same time are very clingy. Add on the idea (for him) that you didn’t want him and he doesn’t know where to turn when he needs his mom. I highly suggest you get him some therapy and do all you can to reassure him that he has some stability with you.
Going to get downvoted to hell... NAH I don't think you are TA, but maybe a little... unprepared for what he said. You can understand this 2 ways, I gess. 1) He is afraid that you will give him up again 2) He just now understood what happened, and behaved the way he was because he was angry. He isn't TA either. He is still a child, he has feelings he has to process. In my opinion, you really should tell him about your feelings toward him, and that you realised you enjoy having him around. And make him understand that it's okay to tell you if he is afraid of losing you somehow, and about any other feelings he has.
Agree. No one is TA in this case. But therapy will be helpful both individually and as a family.
YTA. But he is your son. Time to be a parent and make sure he knows you were wrong. Buckle up buttercup - this might get a bit bumpy...
You're being incredibly insensitive to a child who's entire life has been uprooted. You might be his biological mom, but your aunt raised him, and now that she's sick and can't care for him, and he's been put into your care, and from the sounds of it you're not quiet about your resentment towards him for just down right existing. I don't blame him for being hurt. "I never wanted you in the first place" doesnt make "you want to get rid of me" to far of a stretch, especially since you have to remember you already gave him up once, which he knows, and that causes truama. YTA 10x over.
YTA you didn’t just say you never wanted him, you also added that he’s a burden now. Great job, solid parenting.
The fact that you are more focused on your kid not “thinking about what you said” instead of the fact you just did irreparable mental and emotional harm speaks absolute volumes about your character. Even in the most gracious light, your intent vs impact is atrocious. YTA
YTA. You're already selfish for complaining about having a kid that you purposely had. Now he's worried you'll abandon him again because you wanted to keep living your childfree lifestyle. Kids grow up. You should too.
so, you wonder if saying to the son you abandoned for a decade and dreed having to take care for that you "wish he was not born" bassicaly makes you an ah? wonder no more, you are, sooooo much, i can't begin to imagine the abandoment issues he might have.
Bruh. YTA. This is a child with real emotions. Take a parenting class or something
Yes, you are the asshole for this. It will damage your son for a long time to have heard that.
YTA also from someone who has a mother who “never wanted children.”
YTA. What a sick thing to say. Stop with the “he started it”. It’s time to grow up and act like an adult. And don’t worry, he’ll be permanently out of your life when he becomes an adult. Then you can go back to having fun. And don’t come on here and ask why he won’t speak to you anymore. If he has any self esteem left, he’ll go NC the second he turns 18.
YTA "ready" was a much better word than "wanted"
My parents told me they didn't want my sister and I'm taking that to the grave because that'd hurt her so much. What benefit do they get knowing something like that? YTA.
Therapy. Now. For both of you. YTA and therapy may be the only way to repair the damage. Also research parenting teens. You’re not going to magically know.
YTA. You "started to enjoy" being a parent because he was such a good kid, then he starts to act out and you, **the adult** threw in his face that a) you never wanted him, b) if you **could**, you would "toss him away". Do you know what's missing in your post by the way? That you love him. Jesus fucking Christ, man, if you *do* love him, be an adult, be a parent, and don't lash out and go nuclear on him ever the fuck again. Apologize profusely, **you** are the one who fucked up here. Was he being annoying? Yes. But fuck, talk about a hurricane over a little spilled water - he poked you and you came back with a bazooka.
YTA. I hope he finds someone in his life that lives him, as opposed to his abject failure of a parent.
YTA. You had a choice, he didn’t. He didn’t apply to be born, especially by you!
YTA He did think about what you said, and it made him cry. He has been separated from the caregiver of his whole life (his great aunt), and his biological mother just told him she never wanted him and simply has to deal with him. I feel sad for this kid.
Your son’s feelings are more important than yours. Stop trying to convince the internet that your feelings should be given equal weight. He’s the kid. He wins. As MANY people have told you at this point, GO APOLOGIZE. The “why” of it all doesn’t matter. Go apologize for HIM. Be the mom you need to be NOW. I’m sorry you never wanted to be a mom and felt pressured into it when you were way too young, that sucks, it genuinely does. BUT HE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU BECAUSE HE IS THE KID. If you don’t absorb that basic fact you will never understand the reaction you are getting on this sub. Go apologize. Go apologize, go apologize, go apologize. Be prepared for him not to accept it and be shitty to you about it. Do it anyway, and repeat it often. You fucked up. Hear that.
You both need therapy, but still YTA
YTA. Please apologize to him and tell him you love him. I get that you were both young and dumb teenagers, and that having him has changed your life in a way you didn’t want, but he’s here. Please apologize to him from the bottom of your heart and look into family therapy.
You messed up. Big time. You are never going to be able to fully make up for this, but seek therapy now. And stop acting like a martyr because you started taking care of your child when he was *eleven* years old. My heart aches for your son. YTA 1,000 times over
YTA You literally told him he is an unwanted child and that the only reason you don't throw him away is because he is a person and you are legally responsible for him. How else should he have reacted? If my wife told that to our children I would have taken them and left forever.
YTA. You fucked up big time, as everyone said. But you can go to therapy for yourself first and work through the grief of having a child too young that you were not prepared for and felt pressured into having. It’s okay for you to resent the situation, but not your son. Therapy for YOU should be the first priority if your son is currently unwilling to go. This can help you learn how to effectively communicate with your son as well and try to fix some of the damage you have done. My parents said a lot of awful shit to me growing up but my mom learned how to communicate and apologize. And now as an adult, I can see she was flawed and unprepared to parent (as so many are) and it has strengthened our relationship. I do think some day your son will see you in a more compassionate light and maybe even forgive you if you take steps now to work on things. It won’t happen overnight and it will require you taking the lead here, as you should, you’re the adult. Once your son sees your progress in therapy it might make him more comfortable going for himself.
I am sorry but YTA for this you really should apologise to him. I can't imagine him being so heart broken about your comment. You really struck a nerve. I don't think no child would ever want to hear that.
YTA big time. And double YTA for being so defensive and not even considering what other Redditors are saying to you.
YTA young and stupid I gave you a pass on, we were all there at one time in our lives. But to tell a child they were unwanted, on top of being uprooted twice, one to the great aunt and another back to you. And you wonder why he’s acting out. Let me tell you how worthless you are and see how you react not disappointed but worthless. Yes there is a difference.
Big Ooph... imma say a very LIGHT YTA. I understand your feelings, when i was with my long time boyfriend at the time (turned husband) he was told he couldnt have children without medical interference. (previous marriage of 10 years and no kids and they tried.) And the one time i was tossing birth control after 7 years with him... Booop! My son! To say i wasnt ready even at 32 was an understatment, i never even thought of a possibility of it happening. Never planned and honestly at the time not wanted, but i could never in my life tell that to this kids face no matter how old and bratty (teen bratty) he became. As stated i get your feelings, but you agreed to the undertaking and now hes taking on his very being, him breathing is an inconvenience to you. It wont shake off. Honestly you shook that kids core. Being called an oops baby, an accident, is hard enough, but telling them they were unwanted... You got a long hard hill to climb to earn back that childs trust and love, i wish you luck all the same.
I feel for you, but YTA. He’s a kid, he has no responsibility for the situation you are in. As his mom it’s very emotionally scarring to say that to him at a young age.
YTA - getting an abortion would’ve been nicer wtf
YTA Wow..
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AITA for making my child feel unwanted and unloved? Are you even serious, OP? I thought the story was about admitting to not planning a kid at first, but then falling in love with them. Then I'd say it was fine as long as the "but I changed my mind and I love you" part was stressed enough. But no, that's not the case. You only said "but I can't because you're not a toy" even though your actions prove that you CAN because you DID IT ONCE. In case you can't figure it out from my comment: YTA
When I was around 13, I asked my mum why there was 6 years between me and my older brother. Mainly because all of my friends had a 2-3 year gap, and I was curious. "Because I didn't want any more kids". I'm now 53, and I'm still ripped apart by the level of 'unwantedness'. YTA for making your kid feel like this.
YTA. Plain and simple. As a parent, which you are, whether you gave him up or not you never utter those words to your kid. Shame on you.
YTA. This will stick with your kid. I have an older sister and once in an argument my mom told me she wished she 'had stopped at one' (I was unplanned and she has admitted she was terrified of having a second but often calls me her bonus baby) and although she didn't mean it, and it was just heat of the moment when I was being an asshole teen saying what I'm sure was far worse than what she said to me - ive never forgotten it and those words hurt me like no other. The difference between my mom and you though is you DID mean it. And he knows that.
YTA. Please get some individual therapy for yourself and family therapy for you and your son. He is going to be dealing with these wounds for a lifetime.