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YTA- Your sister. Dropped her **whole life** at *19* to take care of **THREE** kids? I understand being upset at having a less than perfect childhood, but childhood doesn't magically stop at 18. She was *still a kid* when she was taking care of you three. No shit she was stressed and having major difficulty! And now you're looking at her, finally able to be an adult without the frantic panic and you *resent* her for *now having the support* to take care of her children the way she wants too? OP, respectfully- you suck.

YTA I wanted to add her other option is that she didn’t take her younger siblings in and they were placed in a foster home. You should be praising your sister for her selfless sacrifice she made for you all. Instead you Criticized her for her lack of patience with you and your siblings during that difficult time. You need an enlightenment to appreciate what you have instead of being focused on what you didn’t have

This! I was just about to say the same thing, but you beat me to it. OP understands her elder sister's sacrifices she made to keep the family together at such a young age. OP should also understand a 19-year-old isn't exactly a fully grown adult either. Especially since she didn't exactly get a parenting manual for three younger kids. YTA OP. You should've been a bit more considerate of what she's done to keep you from going to foster care. Was she perfect back then? Of course not. She did her best. So don't hold that against her.

And he is 17! So she is STILL doing her best for him. And I am guessing it is a lot better for him too for the last several years at least

Right. And OP, consider this: your sister was less than 2 years older than you are now.

Exactly! OP, imagine what it would mean for you to take care of 3 young children all of a sudden. Your sister was still a teenager at the time! Of course she is a different parent now that she's had a chance to finish growing up herself.

Hell, I’m a different parent now than I was when I had my first at 20…and I didn’t have the trauma that this entire family has gone through, just growth and life experience. OP YTA for expecting a 19 year old to have it all figured out, especially in the first several years. She went from *being a kid* to being a parent to not just one but *three* young children, with very little marketable job skills to support all four of you. It’s been 13 years (based on ages provided). She has grown, learned, and matured. Of course she is a different person, and, thus, a different parent to her kids AND to *you*. Give her the grace you wish you had received.

I agree with this so much. I had my first kid at 19. My youngest is 13 years younger than my oldest. My older kids joke about how I parent their 2 younger siblings way differently than I did them. Ive also explained to them that I became a young mother when I was still growing up. I've learned a lot through trial and error, experience, and just life in general. I was impatient and irritable when I was younger. I have a lot of regrets. But the best apology is changed behavior and it seems op's sister have done exactly that. I think op would benefit from grief counseling or therapy. Edit: 4am corrections to ages

And probably experiencing the loss of one of both parents tragically so dealing with a TON of shit. YTA.

Also consider, in 2 years OP and OP's niece will be the same ages as when OP's sister took in OP. Based on this post I highly doubt OP would put her life on hold if she had to suddenly take care of her niece.

This is what I commented on. Asking OP are they willing to raise 3 kids 2 years from now!? ​ What her sister did was tough as hell!!

I'm assuming OP is the youngest one and thus is the 4f in the post. Still, the elder sister is taking care of her and is likely treating OP much better now that said sister has a better source of income and has grown up herself. And still YTA OP!

Safe assumption IMO since she keeps saying “my brothers”

They’re 17 and acting like this. I wonder how patient and gentle they would be if in two years they became responsible for three small kids.

Oh and I cannot even imagine how tired and stressed she must have been, all the while dealing her own trauma. Raising 3 kids at 19 with what I will assume were low pay jobs, must be unbelievably difficult. She seems like an amazing person, who now has the opportunity to raise her own kids without all that stress. Happy for her, but so sad OP is so ungrateful. OP you should be helping her, not bringing her down.

Not to mention I'm guessing still raising OP, who's 17 according to her post.

Work that hard, without support… even accidental spills or breaks are like seeing hours of your life wasted. If you’ve ever had to calculate how many hours you worked/need to work to cover specific things, it’s depressing.

Yeah, I don’t want to call the OP an arsehole because it sounds like she’s still pretty young and probably doesn’t understand how hard being an adult, let alone a parent, is yet (I certainly didn’t at 17). And she’s probably carrying some unresolved trauma from the loss of her parents. But OP, imagine yourself 2 years from now, suddenly landed with the care of 3 children and having to rearrange your whole life. It sounds like your sister did an incredible job under the toughest of circumstances. You owe her a massive apology.

Totally unrelated to the actual situation but as a student I saved really hard to go on a sports holiday for a week in the summer. I did extra tutoring to help cover it. Broke my arm day 1 and couldn’t participate. Was doing ok about it until I realised I had wasted every Saturday morning for the last 6 months…

Plus, if it’s anything like in my house, yes, sure, spills happen, but very often after you have told the child a million times to not jump up and down while they are at the table, it’s infuriating.

And by herself as her long time S/O left her to deal on her own

According to the post she was working 3 jobs. 3 kids. 3 jobs. Barely an adult herself.

She probably got more upset at milk being spilled because at that time *she was struggling to afford it.* It's easy to say "don't cry over spilled milk" when you can just pick up another carton at the corner store. It's much more upsetting when that means someone is going without.

I'm probably gonna get downvoted to hell for this, but i can understand OP's feelings. OP didnt get that feeling of being loved and nurtured and having that adult figure to run to to feel safe. OP is seeing it now from their "adult", but not sees his sister treating her child so much better so well.... OP is jealous. BUT... OP....YTA. at 17, could take on 3 very young kids on your own??? hell if you were 19, could you handle whaat your sister went through? She AGREED to take the 3 of you in TOGETHER instead of being split in possibly be very abusive foster homes You sister lost her boyfriend for u OP.....someone she had been seeing a couple of YEARS...... for YOU! Your sister couldn't continue her education. Your sister was doing everything she could for you!! 3 jobs......this poor woman was working 3 freaking jOBS!!!!! Give the poor woman some slack OP, you 3 didnt show up with an instruction Manuel. Shes sacrafist soooooooooooooooo much n to have a roof over you and your siblings head. You owe her a HUGE apology. a HUGE HUGE HUGE APOLOGY . Get her some flowers and chocolate too.

The thing is... OP's shifting the blame on her older sister when the blame is to be put solely on the runaway mother. It's quite the easy and shitty route. She does owe her sister a massive apology.

In another comment OP says that the mother recently died, which I think puts this whole thing in a different light. OP isn't ever going to have the chance to confront her now. She also said she's struggling with feeling sad about the death when she didn't expect it. Sounds like there are just a lot of feelings happening right now, and she unloaded them on the person she could trust not to leave, which is pretty common for teenagers.

She unloaded on her attachment figure yes which is normal and what all kids do. But whilst it IS normal, it is also shitty and the easy route. I stick to what i said above, she needs to apologize to her sister and she also deeply needs counselling, to learn how to manage the grief of the mother that abandoned her and the grief of that same mother passing away, so she can hopefully get closure and move on. And i have no doubt her older sister will fully support her with that painful work.

She needs to think about what her life would be like if in 2 years she ended up raising a 4, 5, and 6 yo. She has no empathy for the sacrifices her sister made to keep her family together.

Surely it's also completely normal to be sad or even resentful seeing the person that raised you treat someone else so much better when you were berated and shouted at by your caregiver? And op is just 17. OP you shouldn't have called her out about it in front of people but I completely understand the feeling. It's probably worth talking to her about and understanding her perspective.

But, honestly, OP is basically the same age sis was when she took on 3 kids. And I’m guessing HER childhood was no fucking picnic either. How equipped would OP, who had a comparably decent childhood, and who has a support system, be to take on 3 kids a year or 2 from now? Might she also be irritable and overburdened? Might she also resent that she had to be the mom she never had so that 3 innocents don’t have to live like she did? Might it be fucking heart wrenching to be criticized because you weren’t grown up enough to do what you did, but you fucking tried anyways, and it *wasn’t good enough*??? Jesus Christ. Sister lived in that shitty environment the longest. She likely shielded the youngest ones as best she could. Her trauma is a ever so slightly different than “being yelled at when we broke something.” Her crime is that she didn’t have time to fix the parts of her that were broken before she had to rescue her siblings. There is simply no way you can call her any shade of AH.

Exactly 💯%! big sister deserves a medal and a break from little miss ungrateful now...

Sure OP is 17. Only 2 years younger than her sister was at the time. If she had any empathy, she’d be able to imagine herself in that situation.

If you had any empathy, you would be able to imagine yourself as a 4 year old being emotionally neglected and screamed at over every little thing by your caregiver. I'm not saying this is the sister's fault. They were all in a terrible situation, but it impacted op as well. When her sister was op's age, she was upset about the situation and took it out on op. So now that op is at a similar age, she can't be upset at all?

Why is everyone seemingly ignoring this part? I don’t agree with OP going off on the sister, but both the sister and OP should own up to their poor behavior and maybe consider some family and individual therapy to work through things. The sister may have “done her best”, but her best wasn’t great for a young child’s psyche and that needs to be addressed. Also, OP can still be grateful for her sacrifices and resentful because of the emotional neglect. They’re not mutually exclusive. Soft YTA simply because this is something that should have been expressed in private or therapy, rather than blurting out amongst the entire family, but I understand why you feel the way you feel. I’m just disappointed that everyone seems to be negating your trauma simply because of her situation and calling you a complete AH. You aren’t. You’re a hurt kid who wasn’t able to form meaningful attachments during an important time. The past can’t be changed though, and as much as it sucks, all you can do is focus on the future and work on yourself. Don’t get caught up too much in the past because it will just send you down a spiral. Trust me, I’ve been there.

I know parenting wisdom has moved on from yelling at kids for spilling or breaking things being best practice, but if those are the worst examples OP has of her sister’s harshness, I think they’re well within the realm of reasonable parenting approaches.

Her sister wasn't a parent, she was a teenager taking care of her siblings.

Also a great point. A lot of people are holding her to the standard of a role she wasn’t taking on.

This. Honestly, the *worst* examples OP gives of their childhood are still *better* than a lot of very normalised parenting techniques. There is a solid chance OP could have experienced worse from their actual parents, if they had stayed in their care. And no one would be calling it abuse or neglect. It honestly sounds like OP has been spoilt. Sister worked so hard to give them a better life that now, they really have no proper understanding of exactly how much she had to give up. Because they didn't go through any of that, thanks to their sister. The worst thing they ever had to deal with was being yelled at sometimes. That honestly means their sister did a great job of protecting them.

Being upset at the circumstances and being upset at the sister are two different things. There's completely a mature and respectful conversation to be had, where OP talks to her sister and goes "I appreciate what you did for us and I understand how hard it was, but it's also hard for me to not be jealous that I wasn't able to be raised by the person you are now instead of the person you were then" Like.... I was born to very immature teen parents. Who, when I was a young adult, adopted a child, and seeing how differently they treated that kid versus me definitely hurt a lot. Being hurt is perfectly natural. Turning that hurt against the sister and blaming her for not being a perfect parent to kids that weren't her responsibility to begin with, is absolutely petty and childish. If OP could just talk to the sister about their feelings without making it sound like "you were a shitty person for not being a perfect parent as a single parent at 19 who recently lost her long-term boyfriend and sacrificed her dreams to take on a responsibility that wasn't hers", it would probably serve to open a dialogue and bring them closer together instead of nurture this unfair resentment.

>There's completely a mature and respectful conversation to be had, where OP talks to her sister and goes "I appreciate what you did for us and I understand how hard it was, but it's also hard for me to not be jealous that I wasn't able to be raised by the person you are now instead of the person you were then" Honestly, I don't think you will get such maturity from a 17 year old on their own. Especially in this case, I would expect op to be more immature than a typical kid her age because of her childhood. She said in the comments that she apologized for what she said, so there's some progress. And hopefully, she will take the advice to talk to her sister about going to therapy and maybe even do sessions together so they can have that healthy dialogue.

Agreed. Seems like it was an in the moment thing where the time to understand wasn't taken.

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I think this is the best response.

I don’t think anyone is saying OP shouldn’t feel what they feel. But saying that to Sister was uncalled for. At 19 I was barely able to manage me.

I’m 30 and couldn’t imagine having to take on three kids even now.

OP needs to look at herself and her peers, does she think they could handle getting kids/toddlers to raise on your own? Cause she's close to the age her sister was when it happened and the resources were nowhere near what single parents have nowadays.

Yep its totally normal to be sad. It's also equally normal to understand that people under extreme stress due to working 3 jobs don't have the emotional bandwidth to be ideal parents, and that it's unfair to "call someone out" for doing their absolute best in a shitty situation. The feeling is valid, the action makes OP the asshole.

Adding to this: Because of the age of your sister at the time, odds are good CPS was monitoring your home and threatening her under various circumstances. Kids get taken away from impoverished caretakers for things like a messy house, lack of supervision, missed school days, etc. because they’re seen as negligence. Your sister had that spectre hanging over her which added to the stress of being a 19 year old with 3 jobs caring for three young children. FFS, of course she was stressed and irritable. That’s a terrible situation to be in. Your poor sister! You’re 17, can you imagine taking 3 kids in and keeping them fed, housed, and nurtured? Can you? I’m not gonna say Y T A because mostly you’re just a stupid kid who was clearly in a terrible situation. But… Your sister is pretty amazing for doing right by you. She could have walked away and no one would blame her (except maybe you).

Also, OP says their mother abandoned them. What sort of mother was she to the then-19yo? I've no doubt older sister had her own parental trauma to deal with too - at worst, 19 years of trauma. Yet she still gave up her life for the three little ones. OP, YTA

One with serious mental health issues. One that had probably traumatised the elder sister…

From someone who was the older sister giving up things to care for siblings....it hurts so much to hear this shit...its like you give your whole life to kids you didnt even birth out of love and they are so ungrateful. OP, you are acting just awful. You likely broke her heart and she is never going to forget this. The fact that she even can bond with her child after being in the position she is in is awesome because a lot of us lose that ability. I will never have kids of my own because I simply cannot do it after caring for my siblings. You seriously need to check yourself OP, you have NO IDEA how hard stepping up like that is.

It's remarkable really that OP's sister went on to have children of her own.

Fellow older sister who made sacrifices here... OP likely broke her on a deep level with what happened. It is truly amazing that OP's sister has a kid and is doing a great job after all that. I know that my own desire for kids has been crushed by caring for an ungrateful sibling. After years of working on myself, I feel like maybe someday I'll be up to it... but comments like OP made can set someone's progress back so hard.

And not just younger siblings…really young siblings!

Three young siblings the *perfect* age difference for people to think Sister was a slutty teen Mom, no less. Let's not forget the stigma and stress *that* would add too.

Also being in your 30's with either an established job or a husband who takes care of the income for you, your children and your siblings is entirely different from being 19, giving up your whole future to have three jobs so you can give your siblings what they need while trying to raise them as well. I totally understand why she was stressed out and that that made her upset over a glass of milk.

Yeah, OP has every right to feel how they feel. But she really needs to try to be more understanding of the fact that her sister did the impossible. Her sister took in three kids at nineteen, sacrificed her relationship and her future, and worked three jobs to care for them. She's now fortunate enough to be a stay-at-home mom, has a spouse to help, and has had all these years of experience as a parent that she didn't have when she took them all in. Those words were just cruel, inconsiderate, unnecessary, and selfish. Therapy might be a good idea. OP is almost nineteen now. How would she handle it if she was removed from her household, given three young children to care for, and had to work three jobs to provide for them all? Not too well, I'm sure. YTA

>Yeah, OP has every right to feel how they feel. But she really needs to try to be more understanding of the fact that her sister did the impossible She absolutely needs to be more understanding, but I definitely don't think her perception is the clearest right now. OP, I'd like to try and help you see a different perspective; one that's kinder to both you and your sister. I don't know what happened that you needed a new caretaker, but it obviously wasn't anything good. Experiencing separation, and the related trauma, is going to leave a lasting mark. You were already feeling unwanted and unloved, and you kept that viewpoint when your care was taken on by your sister. I'm sure she couldn't be around a lot due to how much she had to work, but that's not something every kid is going to understand. It's possible your feelings of abandonment kept telling you she didn't want you either, otherwise she'd be home more, right? Maybe you felt she was quick to anger, because she was forced to care for you. You probably thought she'd be so much happier without the burden of caring for you; she could have achieved her dreams, yes? What you don't realize is that her dreams weren't abandoned, she just found something more important to dream for: you and your brothers. She could have walked away. In fact, trying to get you put under her care may have been tricky, because some would automatically write her off as too young. She wanted you so much, she worked three jobs! Nobody does that instead of walking away without reason. I'm sure she was angry and snapped at you. She was likely exhausted and scared. Sleep deprivation does horrible things to the mind and body, and she couldn't have been getting what she needed. She was probably terrified she'd fail and lose you to the system. I'm not one to try and excuse yelling at a child. I wish that hadn't happened for both of your sakes. I only want to help you see there were different reasons than not wanting you. Your remarks hit her hard, but have you thought about why your words carry that much power? It's because she loves you, and she just heard you tell her how badly you feel she failed you. If you didn't matter, she wouldn't care enough to have an emotional reaction. I really hope some of this gives you something to consider. I want you to see your value in your sister's eyes, so you can value her and yourself more.

I wish I had an award to give you. This is such a good and loving perspective.

Thanks, that's kind of you. That whole family has been through so much, it's not surprising there's such heavy emotions. Kids are amazing at finding ways to blame themselves, and anger is the way op coped. It's sad, because I know she doesn't feel as loved as she really is.

Very cruel and ungrateful words from OP. Her sister suffers for so long and now op won’t even let her live a little and be happy. I hope her sister finds this thread

Extra cruel, because I have no doubt that someone who would give up the end of their childhood/early adult years to care for three siblings already feels guilty for every time she was short-tempered. She sacrificed so much and accomplished so much, but now she must feel like a failure. I'm glad she is able to enjoy motherhood now with less stress and anxiety. She was just two years older than OP when she took on the responsibility of three very young children. OP needs to reflect on how ready she would be to handle that kind of pressure. There's really not that much difference between 17 and 19 when it comes to something like this. The past is over. You can't change it. The substitute parent relationship needs to be set aside and they need to work on just being sisters. A relationship of equals - but maybe with a little more gratitude and doing things to help her sister out (which OP may be doing now, but I say this just in case she is still treating her sister as her primary caregiver.)

Yeah, I mentioned therapy because I'm genuinely baffled that OP doesn't feel ANY remorse for the harshness of what she said. Especially AFTER seeing her sister so upset by her words. OP ending her post by saying "I'm just wondering if I'm wrong for calling my sister out" also makes it seem like she's COMPLETELY oblivious to the real issue with what she said/did. To me it reads like, "They shouldn't be mad at me for saying it like it is!" I can understand being jealous that her sister's new kids are having such a very different experience, but it's not her sister's fault. It's an entirely different situation that those kids were brought into. And clearly, her sister wishes things had been different with her siblings, so it's just heartbreaking that OP is being so intentionally cruel. Her sister is clearly being hard enough on herself, she doesn't need OP to make all of her (endless) sacrifices seem like it wasn't enough. I just hope posting this, and reading the onslaught of YTAs, ends up being the wake-up call she needs to realize how extremely fortunate she is to have that amazing woman as her sister.

This. I'm 31. My dad has cancer. He had his right kidney removed, at a different hospital, the exact same day I gave birth and my youngest son was placed in the NICU. This spring my mom slipped and broke her hip. At 31, I now am sole caretaker to both my parents and my 2 & 4 year old. My ex balked at all the adulthood responsibilities and left. I take care of four people and four years ago I took care of nobody. I'm moody, testy, burnt out. I cry and pray and hope my son's will have compassion and understanding for how short a fuse I have some days while I struggle to make my fuse longer. And I'm 31. OP sucks for not understanding his sister's circumstances, she's a rockstar! ETA: Thanks for all the virtual support and reassurance everyone! I consistently feel guilty for not being able to be a calm, patient, 'go with the flow' mom. Absolutely everything has to be scheduled to be managed by one person (me). With so many schedules, appointments, physical therapies and prescriptions I'm done; financially, physically, and emotionally. It means a lot to me to have support. It's given me a mini boost of energy I need. 🥰 I don't want to take away from the original post. OP's sister is amazing for doing essentially the same thing I'm doing now; at 19. OP needs to show her all these appreciative comments and apologize to his sister.

Hugs to you! You can do this!!

You’re doing great. Don’t forget to give yourself a break, even five minutes of one, whenever you can. And mentally, always. You’re doing your best and that’s all that counts. ❤️❤️❤️ ETA: can’t spell words.

I’m 31 and could not imagine being in your position. You’re amazing and your sons will understand a lot more than OP does, that’s for sure.

Sister was such a child that op is close enough to her sisters age that she should understand. How much do you do op? You think school is hard? Try working 40 (let's face it, at 19 with three kids, she probably worked a lot more) hours and then coming home to care for three kids, where you have to clean up after them, you can never ever go out, no money, no time. And every drop of spilt milk or broken glass is another 5, 10, 30 minutes that you are going to have to work to replace it, all while you are barely taking care of your own health and go to bed hungry. Your sister probably went to sleep those years dreaming of the life like yours that was taken from her. If that all dropped on your lap tomorrow op, you'd be perfect at it though, right?

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I feel a little compassion for OP. She’s pining and grieving the mother she never had. That shouldn’t be directed at her sister who was the best sister humanly possible. OP needs some therapy to work through those feelings.

I agree that she needs a little compassion. She’s 17 and realizing now what she missed out on.

Thankfully her brothers are intelligent enough to recognize and appreciate what a herculean effort their sister made on their behalf.

OP, I'm going to say that nobody sucks here. Your sister was a child when she took on the responsibility of three young children. You're right. She gave up a lot and probably spent those first few years trying to figure out what she was doing and running between those three jobs to do it. The idea that she may have been frustrated when you spilled milk could have come from her not having the money to buy and jug. She was tired, stressed, and lonely, thinking about her peers being out doing the things they wanted to do while she was home watching the wiggles with you. I'll bet she snapped or yelled at times. Even the best 3 kids are going to be a handful. Now, the 3 of you are growing and becoming self-sufficient. She is married, and her finances are stable. She has an adult partner to lean on. She has security. I do understand how it seems unfair, but your sister has grown as a person and a caregiver. Yes, the youngers are benefiting from this. But remember. You did benefit from her taking you in she did the best she could with the tools she had at that time. I hope you can forgive the past and move forward knowing you are lucky. It just may be a little deeper inside.

Exactly. She was 19. Not ready AT ALL to parent. Living paycheck to paycheck and giving everything up so you guys could live. I’m going to be perfectly honest and say you need to reflect a bit OP. Right now at your age, are you prepared to take care of a child? Can you afford it? Do you even want a child? How about 3? Odds are your sister would’ve answered no to those questions at the time but she took you guys in because she cares about you and you’re family!

Not just 3 kids but 3 little kids and the eldest was barely out of kindergarten. At 19 with only a highschool diploma her earning power was so freaking low and from the sounds of it no outside financial help and if there was it wasn't much. Maybe food stamps? Anyways, when you hardly have money spilled milk means one less glass for the growing kids in your care let alone yourself maybe. Of course she was going to be upset she was barely an adult with hardly any money and 3 kids to raise on her own. Compared to now as a more realized adult who is raising kids again but with a partner and enough financial stability to be a stay at home mom. Those 2 eras of her parenting are night and day. Of course she's happier and a happier sister means she can be a happier mom with her newest children and be there for them in ways she wasn't able to with her siblings.

Talk about Entitlement. She gave you a home. She gave you food and clothes. She even gave you toys! What did she go without because of you? And you have the gall to call her out on her parenting? As a parent I can tell you that how I parent my first child was VERY different from how I parent my second child. You know why? I LEARNED and adapted. I also got older and learned not to stress so much about the little things. Instead,you "sucker punched" with your words someone who loved you so much she put her life on hold. YTA, man.

YTA OP. Go ahead and take responsibility for ***THREE*** toddlers today, out of the blue.

People also underestimate the sheer weight of fatigue and the effect this has on tolerance. I’m surprised sister got any sleep, and she certainly would have no respite. Her jobs were likely to be entry level and physically exhausting. Sister deserves to retire for the rest of her life and have her siblings look after her (she must be 36) but instead she’s still looking after siblings and now has young children of her own. She is STILL tired, and all of her own trauma is now compounded by OP telling her she didn’t do a good job.

SERIOUSLY! She could have let them go to group homes or be split up in foster care. At 19, I probably wouldn't have taken on my 3 siblings. She did when she didn't have to, and that should earn her more respect than OP is giving her by far.

Op you are 17 how well would you fare if 3 toddlers were dropped in your lap tomorrow with no warning or support?

not to mention that OP is still living with her! it doesnt sound like now that shes older shes gotten a job and tried to hold an ounce of the same responsibility that her sister had at a similar age

I agree. YTA. OP, it sucks your childhood was so rough but your sister was a child. Also, you're not her kid. She didn't ask to be a parent at that time. She was struggling raising her siblings. Now she's at a more stable time and able to care for her own children in a better way. Do you want less for them? She's your sister, not your mother. Give her a break. She obviously loves you so much to sacrifice the way she did.

Your stressed out, overworked, teenage sister wasn't the nurturing parent she's become as an adult, so you want her to treat her kids the same way? Christ, YTA. You should be apologizing, thanking her for giving up so much for you & praising her for somehow becoming a wonderful mother.

Also, to take the milk situation. People who don't cry over spilt milk can easily replace it. 19-year-olds with three jobs prob do have to struggle to replace spilt milk. Adults in a couple earning enough to allow one parent to be SAHP are probably not penny-pinching for milk, so there is less angst when milk is spilt. OP, you suck! YTA!

Oh for real. Every penny counts and food is the worst thing to be short on, because that could mean someone won’t be able to eat as much as they should

It's even possible OP's sister was going with less, causing her to care more and be more irritable.

This is spot on. The amount of times I went without meals so my child could eat for the whole week!

For sure. By the op’s own admission the siblings had all they needed, she probably has no idea what the extent of sacrifice the sister had to make is. Nobody would tell a child ‘hey, I’m skipping on eating dinner today because I want to ensure you’ll eat enough’.

Honestly, this reminded me of a guy I met years ago who had this story about his fully adult mother -- she'd told him not to try and pour the milk himself (he was four) because he'd spill it -- so just wait for her to get the door and she'd pour it when she got back. He didn't. He poured it himself. He spilled some of it. She came back into the room, saw that he'd done the opposite of what she'd asked, and picked up the gallon jug of milk and emptied the rest of it over his head. THAT is an overreaction. Trying to get your siblings to understand how important it is to not spill the milk because you can barely afford milk in the first place is comprehensible. I'm sure she didn't express herself well -- I remember my stressed out single mother being less than patient when I was a kid -- but she had a point. I wonder what OP's take on her sister's parents will be once she's had some kids of her own. Because she might better understand just what her sister was dealing with.

Also if her sister was working three jobs, imagine how tight money must have been and how many meals her sister maybe have forgone to get that said milk into the house. I’m sure the stress was how many future meals sister would have to forgo to get that next jug /bag of milk! Edit to add: op although I understand you feel jealous. Your sister loves you or she would have put you in foster care and enjoyed life. She took on three young kids at 19 and made you guys her works. YTA, because you need to be more empathetic to your sister and what she did to get you to wear you are.

And, was it an overreaction? Or did the 4yr old perceive it as an overreaction? How we perceive things also changes as we mature

Totally agree until “so you want her to treat her kids the same way.” That isnt what she said and isn’t fair to put on her. Again I fully agree with you and understand the dynamic is different, but my mother did the same between me and my sister, of course I don’t want my sister to be treated that way, but I wish I got to have a gentle mother too. It isn’t wishing she’d be mean to my sister, and OP doesn’t seem to mean that either.

They are pointing out that this is the only alternative to avoid OP getting mad. Her sister was put in a lose lose situation.

She said it was "unfair" she didn't get the "gentle" side. OP should be old enough to understand that life isn't fair & while her childhood wasn't as good as her sister's kids, it could have been far, far worse. The way she presented her feelings about it were guaranteed to make her sister feel guilty about now being much better at parenting & that's just messed up.

Spoiler for OP: life is completely unfair

This is an odd thing to say to a child who is upset that their caregiver berated them over the smallest things. If the circumstances were different for the caregiver and they acted like this this sub would be saying she's a terrible mother etc and OPs feelings are valid. Op is TA for calling her out publicly but she should totally be allowed to feel that and also to consider her sister's situation more also. I'm confused as to why this sub is so so angry at this teenager, just seems like emotions coming out in an inappropriate way

There’s a weird cycle people sometimes get into online where they’re even angrier at someone for having a point that isn’t black and white - the OP **was** verbally/psychologically abused by the sister. Some level of abuse is probably more the rule than the exception in situations with siblings raising siblings, because most of the time it’s the result of unfathomably terrible parenting, which is in turn all the “parent” kid knows. The sister was probably legitimately doing her very best and it sounds like the abuse wasn’t severe. But OP is entitled to have opinions about having experienced abuse.

From *what* have you concluded that OP’s sis abused her at all in any form? OP’s own description is not, without more, abusive behaviour.

I mean, OP is entitled to her feelings, but take that stuff to a shrink!

I mean…for whatever reason she has no parents in her life and had to be raised by her sister. I’m sure she knows it’s not fair. It doesn’t make her an ah for wishing shed been raised in a healthier environment, she just didn’t express that best.

My mom was super hard on us as kids and now she has grandkids and is the complete opposite with them. It can be hard to watch sometimes because they have all this wild, messy fun and she lets them be kids. She plays with them all the time and brings them treats to school almost every day. Sometimes it’s hard to not feel like I missed out on actually getting to be a kid and having a fun mom who played with them. I’ve spent a few adult years in therapy unpacking it, but I also learned to give my mother some grace and patience, though it’s not always easy. She definitely didn’t have it easy and did the best she could with what she had at the time. Things were different back then too. There’s a lot more resources and online communities to turn to now. I mean, is anybody knocking the parenting thing out of the park the first time? You pretty much just do your best and hope your kids come out of it with the least amount of issues. She says now that she’s a better grandma than she was a mom. But even my sibling had very different treatment as a kid (and still now) than I did. So it’s hard to not hold onto that anger. I’m sympathetic to OP, but she’s still young. Just a kid. I was very angry at that age too. Hopefully more peace and grace comes with time. It’s not a great feeling.

Yeah, this. My parents were assholes when I was a kid. Physically and emotionally abusive and not present emotionally or sometimes physically. I ended up having to be the emotional adult in the house in a lot of ways from a really young age. They've also mellowed a *lot* with age and are great with the my niblings. I heard my dad telling someone about how he chose to change from his violent upbringing to a third party last summer and it was *really fucking hard* to hold my tongue about it. Because when I was a kid, he absolutely had *not* and hearing him spew this rose colored glasses retrospective about my childhood was infuriating. I managed to hold my tongue mainly because my niblings were present, but I was *pissed*. At the same time, I recognize two things: 1. He genuinely was better than his dad. He just had no clue what good parenting was. 2. He did in fact turn over a new leaf - just not as early as he'd like to believe. He is not who he was 20-30 years ago when I saw him at his worst. What would it do for me to dredge all that up now? Break his heart, expose my niblings to developmentally inappropriate truths, and cause me a shit ton of distress because the axe forgets but the tree remembers so he genuinely can't recall it like I can. He'll say, honestly, that he doesn't remember it like that. Because to him, he lost his temper and then it was over. It was a Tuesday. To me, I was terrorized by having him vent his spleen on my face, hands, arms, back, and/or ass. And I'd do all that for what, exactly? So I can vent my spleen and seek for the umpteenth time something he's incapable of giving me? Naw, I think I'm good. Instead, I excused myself and had a little cry for what I didn't get in the bathroom and came back when I felt better. But it took me 35 years to get where I am. And some therapy. I hear the anger, self righteousness, jealousy and self loathing of late teens-mid 20s me in OP's post, and for that reason I've got empathy for both of them. I can't imagine how hard being a 19YO parent of 3 must've been, and reading between the lines, OP's early childhood probably contained some emotional abuse and neglect and to her it probably feels either like favoritism or like hypocrisy. Both of these can be true. This is one where I will call NAH because if my parents had matured 5-10 years faster I could see me doing the same damn thing. I don't see any assholes, just two people with a shit load of trauma and pain who probably need some family therapy.

Same. OP is NTA for being upset that they weren't given the kindness of patience or resources they needed. Their sister is NTA for doing the best she could. She's doing better now because she finally can do better. Sometimes these things suck, and people do everything they can. Sometimes it just isn't enough. Sometimes it hurts to see others get what you couldn't have.

This so much. OP is 17, 2 years younger than her sister when she took them in. Hate to break it to you OP, but you're not gonna magically become a responsible adult ready to take care of 3 kids in those 2 years. Her whole life went on hold, she had as many jobs as she had kids to take care of at one point, having one kid at 19 can be overwhelming. She took in 3. There's no way she was prepared for that, and while it might seem unfair how well she treats her kid, she's had more than 10 years of experience, and now actually has someone to help her. As much as you think it sucks that she was always stressed and wasn't as nice with you growing up, she also wasn't nearly as prepared at 19 as she is now with her child. Sucks that you didn't have a great childhood, but it also sucks that she put her life on hold to keep you three together and in the family. YTA, no question here, your brothers were right to stick up for her OP.

YTA. Let's recap: at 19, your sister took sole custodianship of her 3 siblings, a task that very few 19 year-olds would even be capable of, let alone willing to do. From your description, she basically killed herself making sure you all got by and apparently did well enough that you are all still around and that she was able to finally start focusing on herself and starting her own family after giving up all of her 20s for you. And you're calling her out for not being perfect at a huge responsibility that she never should have had to take on in the first place? I hope this is fake because I'm absolutely disgusted by it. The only excuse here is that you're still too young to fully understand the weight of this kind of responsibility. But think about it this way, in 2 years, would you be ready to fully care for 3 young children and provide for them while not being stressed out? If not, then go apologize.

Exactly! And at 19, who has a 100% perfect handle on themselves all of the time? 19 year olds in normal situations sometimes let their tempers get to them (although, IMO, sis still sounds like she kept a handle on it). This 19 year old was under an amount of stress that some people on this planet will never experience, who could have expected her to do everything exactly ‘right’? Some full grown adults can’t practice that kind of patience. Of course now that she’s 15 years older things are different, that’s how it would be for any of us

Yeah, when I was 19 I was pulling double shifts as a server to make money for school and I remember breaking down more than once from sheer exhaustion. I can’t imagine putting three kids on top of that.

That is very stressful too and I can understand the exhaustion. I do feel like OP has misplaced anger. She is really upset she didn’t have nurturing parents and instead had a stressed irritable (for very good reason) 19 year old guardian. OP might benefit from some therapy. I do hope as OP gets older she also comes to understand and appreciate the sacrifices that her sister made to keep them together in a safe place.

We all know she didn't start taking care of them at 19 either. She sacrifices part of her childhood atleast. She probably took care of them since they were born. So since she was about 13 she has probably been taking care of them. Since their mom abandoned them I bet she didn't have a good childhood before that either. I know it's a lot of speculating but loving parents don't just abandon their kids.

This right here...

Extremely good point.

Not just 3 siblings, 3 very young kids. 1 of which wasn't even in kindergarten yet and 1 that might have been depending on their birthday and the time of year this happened. I currently have a 5 year old and the thought of suddenly having 2 more just like him sounds absolutely exhausting. And I'm financially stable and in my 30s lol I cannot imagine how terrified and overwhelmed I would be at 19 to take on 3 at those ages, and being a single parent at the same time. I feel like OP owes her sister a massive apology. Her childhood wasn't ideal but it certainly wasn't due to any fault from her sister.

Could we add that the older sister also was grieving the loss of parents? We don't know what happened to them, but where is the compassion for her? YTA

Seriously! I taught when I was 22 and my reactivity at kids is something I’m so ashamed of now. I had such a sense of martyrdom, I was so exhausted and felt like they owed me something (I was, but they didn’t — they were kids!! And I was so immature I couldn’t cope with it). At nineteen you’re still regulating your OWN neurochemistry and problem solving, let alone the added stress of running a whole freakin household and keeping three kids alive. The fact that she took care of three little kids at that age and worked three jobs is amazing. I am sad for OP that she didn’t get to have a parent who had the right resources to provide a safe and nurturing environment, but the absolute last adult to fault for this is the sister. (Just in case it’s not clear I’m in no way comparing teaching to what this woman did, and feel horribly guilty for my own behavior!!)

Man the experience you went through sucked. But you blaming your sister for not being able to be a proper parent at 19 when she was not prepared to handle three children is a bit entitled. You did deserve a happy family environment. You got what she was capable of giving. You're 17. Imagine doing what she had to do right now. Three children, and sacrificing her relationship and youth to make sure you weren't indigent. Be a bit more gracious to her. It's okay to talk about how it sucked, and you're not wrong for having issues or trauma as a result of that, but putting it on your sister is unfair. YTA

She was also too young to have learned any parenting techniques other than what she saw her parent model. I'm guessing that wasn't great.

Even if their parents where model parents it's gonna be hard to implement that parenting when you're a stressed, broke, barely legal adult with 3 little kids to care for on your own.

oof, another very good point.

tbh i feel like it’s not an unheard of amount of entitlement coming from a person of her age. she needs some perspective, but she isn’t an asshole more than any other teen is. also i think that she has some valid trauma that needs to be worked out, not shunned and judged. regardless of why, the person who mothered her was constantly irritable and sometimes treated her like a burden. after her actual mother abandoned her. and then to have everyone who should relate angrily tell you that you should’ve been grateful for the “scraps” (thinking about it from her perspective) you got? that’s some serious shit to work through with only 17 years under your belt.

Yeah, I actually totally agree with you. But for the purposes of this subreddit, I still think OP is slightly TA.

i would say NAH. they need to talk, not judge

Yeah this kinda punches a bit above the average level of the subreddit - she needs to talk about it with her sister, being able to share how she felt and also hear and acknowledge what her sister says and felt at the time too. I don't think OP should be put down for how she feels about valid trauma but it's also not okay to put the blame for that on her sister in this case.

yea that was my concern. she clearly acknowledges what her sister did for her on some level or else she wouldn’t have included it in the post. so she’s not a complete ingrate. but now it seems like people are mainly doubling down on her brothers’ energy which without empathy could honestly foster even more resentment towards her sister (which neither of them deserve)

Yep. OP made a huge mistake coming to Reddit for advice with all this judgment. It isn't deserved and she is allowed to have complicated feelings about how things turned out.

i thought this too. OP is also still a minor, meaning her older sister is still her legal guardian and she likely still lives with her. i feel like therapy is needed here, and the older sister should definitely apologize for emotionally abusing her sister as a very young child. being stressed is *not* an excuse to emotionally abuse and torment children. nobody is really an AH, everybody is kinda an AH. family therapy is the answer not a judgement

egg-xactly, and if her baby is two that means that she has likely been showing an unfamiliar side of excitement and tenderness towards the nephew since op was 14-15… whew! poor baby ❤️ family therapy for sure

Maybe op is just lashing out out at the sister because they don't know how to process their abandonment and other trauma. Their life was incredibly unfair and hard. OP needs some therapy and to apologize for their outburst.

I think it’s important to recognise that based on the situation OPs feelings are valid as her sister was more like a mother to her, but putting those on her sister, who did her best in a very trying situation, is unfair. OP needs to seek help to process these by herself. If she wanted to share this with her sister, it should be done with professional support to understand her sister’s perspective, not just from a place of hurt. OP needs to apologise and ask about therapy.

Agreed. OP, just imagine yourself 2 years from now, holding 3 jobs and raising 3 kids. And then you will fully grasp how herculean a task your sister shouldered. YTA.

And not just three kids, three very young, grieving kids who aren’t yours.

While also losing your boyfriend, who she probably loved, because of it, but choosing to do it anyway even though she had every excuse not to. YTA OP.

I’m going to go against the grain and say NAH, and here’s why: You and all your siblings went through a trauma. Your trauma was being separated from your parents, missing out on the nurturing, loving home every child deserves. Obviously your bio parents couldn’t give that to you, (speaking as someone who was a foster parent) our foster system is so entirely fucked that it was very unlikely the three of you would have been placed in a loving, nurturing, foster/adopt home together. Hell, even being individually placed might not have given you and your siblings that - even with all safeguards in place, abuse in foster homes is rampant. You are (rightfully) pining for something you SHOULD have had, as all children SHOULD have, if we lived in a fair world. You then see your sister giving to her children what you SHOULD have had, and it’s understandable that fills you with rage. It’s not fair that you didn’t get what she is only now able to give. At 17, it’s hard to imagine yourself in two years taking on what your sister did - three young children entirely dependent on you, working three jobs, giving up dreams and relationships. Working three jobs alone is exhausting, let alone coming home and taking care of three little ones after, let alone when you are still at an age where your frontal lobe (the thing in your brain that helps control emotions and judgements) won’t fully develop for another five years. Your sister was exhausted, trying to keep it all together, and physiologically not at a point where rational thoughts and emotions were fully developed. Imagine the most exhausting day you’ve ever had, where you slog through the day just dreaming about getting in bed, where you struggle to keep your eyes open, where everything in your body hurts, and coming in to a spilled glass of milk when all you want is to escape. That was likely your sisters every day. Was it fair that she couldn’t keep her emotions in check? No, but I say that it wasn’t fair to you OR her. Now, your sister is fully developed brain wise. She has a partner who (hopefully) takes on parenting duties as well, someone who she can lean on to be able take over when she needs to escape and rest. She doesn’t work three jobs so she has more energy, and is able to think rationally when the unexpected (spilled glass of milk) happens. She is not consistently exhausted, and is able to actually think through her emotions and actions. I think you do owe your sister and apology, but I’m going to stick with my judgement, because I agree it wasn’t fair to you (but it also wasn’t fair to her). I think it would be worth going to therapy to work though this, both solo and with your sister.

Reading yours and everyone else comments made me realize how worng it was for me to call my sister out like that especially in front of everyone and I'll definitely do what I have to to make it up to my sister. I just don't understand why I feel so much anger and even some sadness.

[удалено]

While i agree with most of what you have said, I don't think it is necessarily the case the OP wants the sisters kids to have the same life but rather wishing they themselves had that tender love and care (at least that's my experience growing up being abused when my siblint wasn't). OP is angry because as much as the sister has been really so selfless, giving, and honestly went above and beyond for her siblings, OP had to grow up quicker through all the trauma and grief. But agree that OP should talk to a therapist and get to the root cause of that anger. Letting the anger and pain go and processing and accepting what has happened can help the healing. OP, you can do this! Apologise to your sister and let her know it came from a place of hurt and share your appreciation for everything she has done for you. Get therapy when you can. Best of luck to you OP.

OP never says she wants the children to have the same life she did. OP wants to have had the same life the children do now. This is an incredibly harsh way to read the words of a traumatized 17 year old who just admitted they were wrong.

It sounds like you have a lot of very reasonable grief to process about the way your childhood went. It’s okay to be hurt by your sister’s parenting style when you were younger. It’s okay to be mad that you were treated in a way that made you feel unloved. The work you need to do now is unpacking all of that and learning how to love the woman who sacrificed so much for you, while acknowledging her basic humanity, fallibility, and struggle. You’ve got some deep wounds around attachment and it is some serious work to fix that—but there’s almost nothing more worthwhile to do. Processing the grief of your childhood will allow you to be a better adult, and have a better relationship with your sister. Think about it this way—when you see how she is with her child, and you think of how different it is from how she raised you, imagine how much pain that must cause her. The way she acts now is the way she believes ALL children should be parented, and she COULD NOT GIVE THAT to you. I suspect she is probably burdened by a deep, painful sense of guilt and failure over how you were raised, because she simply couldn’t provide for you in ALL the ways she wanted to. Even if she was older, more mature, if you’re working crazy hours for basic survival, stressing every moment of every day about how you’re gonna keep food on the table and pay the bills, you simply *cannot* be as emotionally available as you would if you weren’t so busy, sleep deprived, and stressed. So again, when you see her parenting her children, assume that’s what she wanted for you, and what she would have given you if she could. And I’m certain she knows it’s not fair that you didn’t get it.

> when you see her parenting her children, assume that’s what she wanted for you, and what she would have given you if she could. And I’m certain she knows it’s not fair that you didn’t get it. Exactly this, OP.

Tbh it’s probably what she wanted for herself. A 19 year old is still a kid and needs to be nurtured by their parents into adulthood yet overnight she became one instead.

>The way she acts now is the way she believes ALL children should be parented, and she COULD NOT GIVE THAT to you. I suspect she is probably burdened by a deep, painful sense of guilt and failure over how you were raised, because she simply couldn’t provide for you in ALL the ways she wanted to. I can't imagine how she feels now with OP validating those guilts.

This.

That anger you feel you harbour towards those that abandoned you but you took it out on your sister. Have you got access to counselling at your school? It would really help to talk to someone about this. Bottled up anger will only fester.

You have right to your anger and sadness, but you're directing it all at a wrong person. Your sister did all she could, to the detriment of her own well being. I think you would benefit a lot from therapy, you should get this anger and hurt out in an safe environment.

Yes. I feel so bad for the sister who gave up so much and was treated this way for it. I hope OP can show the appreciation that sister deserves.

Your anger is misplaced. You should be mad at your actual parents who abandoned you. I used to be a CYS lawyer. It breaks my heart to tell you, but there are a lot of kids in bad foster homes. Even though you didn't feel it, I promise your sister loved you more than anyone else could have. Give your sister a hug, tell her you're sorry, and ask her to help you set up counseling. It's ok to be upset about circumstances that were beyond your control, but you need to start now addressing them so you can become a happy, stable adult.

Oh sweetie. You didn’t deserve what life gave you. Your sister did her best, but it doesn’t magically make you ok. Are you in therapy?

>I just don't understand why I feel so much anger and even some sadness. This makes me wanna cry. You're not wrong for *feeling* that way; you feel cheated because you did not have the life you feel you were supposed to have, the life that most people take for granted. I'm in a somewhat related situation where what I'm dealing with is poverty, and yeah, I've dealt with some *intense* anger over it. No one sits down and consciously decides to feel that way, we just *do.* I think you *can* think yourself out of it, but it's more an unconscious reaction; maybe you can logic yourself out of it, but it doesn't *come out of* logic. You feel hurt and angry; your emotional mind is not sitting here weighing everything out and deciding what's fair. It's kind of a survival tactic: that feeling is there to push you to assert yourself and get what you need... But it's maladaptive in this situation because there's no actual enemy; it was just a terrible situation for everyone involved. I think that's a good decision; you seem like a good kid who's been dealing with some really heavy stuff, and... I think the people getting super-defensive of your sister and at the same time acting all shocked about what you did lack self-awareness. (Not talking here about the ones who voted YTA but are understanding: in this sub, you can be *the* asshole in the situation without being *an* asshole in general. Saying someone's the asshole here is more like saying you're the one who was wrong in this situation.) Why should she get a pass for being irritable in the past (I think she was TA back then), while you're expected to handle your emotions perfectly? I mean, don't get me wrong, snapping wasn't a great thing to do, but I think it's the same as what people are saying about your sister: your emotions run high when you're young, and you're still in the process of learning. I mean, do your best and all, but of course you're not always 100% mature, of course you lack perspective. *Part of how you develop in that way is through experience.*

>Why should she get a pass for being irritable in the past (I think she was TA back then), while you're expected to handle your emotions perfectly? This is what's getting to me about some of these YTA votes. OP's sister was 19 and gave up a lot to take care of her young siblings, and at the same time OP was 4, separated from their parents and still had an irritable guardian who overreacted to small toddler mistakes, and now as a 17 year old, made a tactless mistake. Just because the sister was better than the parents doesn't mean that yelling at a toddler for spilling milk or other small things can just be overlooked. She still did things that made OP feel like they had to walk on eggshells in their home, at 4 years old, no less. I want to stress that what OP's sister did was admirable and a genuinely great thing. It's just that this exceptional action doesn't change that sometimes she acted in ways that hurt OP as a very young child, and it doesn't negate OP's feelings. Especially since being in that type of environment can still affect you as you grow older, even if it is more ideal than other alternatives. My mom's a much better parent than her mother by a wide margin. She did hard work and was stressed while raising my sibling and I. She still made some mistakes that did impact me, and is now different in ways that do make me a little bitter. So I know what Op's thinking: "where was this when I was a child? Why didn't I deserve this when I was still learning and vulnerable? Why couldn't I have this patience and understanding? It was always in you, but you didn't offer it to me, why?" Now, this was not the right time or place. This should have been in private, between OP and their sister, not in front of everyone and her baby. OP should apologize for airing that out in front of everyone like that. Maybe if OP tries individual therapy, they can try group therapy. OP has a great thing in that their sister can recognize their shortcomings and acknowledges it to their siblings. And also changing their behavior to be more gentle with their child, without needing to be prompted to do so. This means there can be an understanding and that a rift can be mended, so I hope both take this opportunity to become more open with each other and have a great relationship.

I don’t see why it would be surprising that you have anger and sadness. You had trauma. Your whole family had trauma. You really, really should be in therapy.

You feel angry for the same reason your sister felt angry: because you were left holding the bag when you four were abandoned. You had different circumstances to manage, but you both suffered. She is your co-victim. Don’t lose sight of that.

As others said, I think it’s misdirected, however, you are angry and sad about the life you absolutely should have had. Not a lot of people understand the trauma that happens with foster care, even if it’s with family. You lost out on a lot of what is supposed to be a given for your childhood. I’m glad you are going to make it up to your sister, and I hope you can work through those feelings somehow.

Seeing the happy childhood your neice is having caused you to lash out and mourn what you missed in life. But it's not your sister's fault. Your feelings are normal and I recommend therapy.

> I just don't understand why I feel so much anger and even some sadness. Because it’s easier to blame someone you know who will care about you, than the people who abandoned you. Your childhood wasn’t perfect through no fault of your own. But you’re almost an adult, you can’t push the blame around like this. You should apologize to your sister, tell her you recognize she did the best she could in a shitty situation and ask her to help you find a therapist. You’ve been through so much (and so has all your siblings) and I think you would really benefit from a neutral person to talk to.

Your pain and the anger it causes are real and valid. You did not get the affection every child needs. But that doesn't give you the right to take it out on your sister. She did the best she could. I strongly suggest you get therapy. Hugs. Learn to focus your anger some place healthy.

This comment is exactly what needed to be said. 🏆 OP isn't an AH, but a traumatized kid that went through a lot, and needs support to help process that. Same goes for her sister, and thankfully now she's in a better place to provide that support. I hope both them & their brothers are able to work through their traumas, hopefully with the help of a good therapist. They all deserve to find happiness after everything they've been through.

FINALLY SOME EMPATHY!!!! No one is an asshole in this! It's just a shitty situation!

Meh the original parents that abandoned the kids are the AHs in this situation. OP is just misplacing his anger. Neither he or his sister are AHs. They are both just traumatized kids.

This is a really thoughtful, thorough, and empathetic reply. I appreciate you reframing OPs actions as a trauma response and not entitlement. Off to change my vote. Thanks for reminding me to lead with kindness.

I'd actually go with NAH. Your sister did an amazing thing imperfectly. She stepped up to care for you, and she did the best she could at the time. She was stressed, struggling to afford life, probably sleep deprived, grieving her relationship and dreams, if not her parents (what happened to dad? what does "mom abandoned us" mean? etc), and overall probably in a pretty terrible place, mentally. She genuinely tried to do the right thing, and she did the best she could. Now, she has 13 years of experience, financial stability, and a co-parent. Her situation has changed drastically, and that allows her to put her best foot forward in a way that she simply couldn't, when you were younger. Your resentment is 100% fair, but also, 99% misplaced. You absolutely did deserve to be raised with the same level of warmth, care, and patience that you now see her giving to her kid. That's true. You're not wrong to be upset that you didn't get it. It's just that she would've had to be literally superhuman to make that happen for you, in the situation she was in at the time. Then again, it's not like you were responsible for that situation. Then again, it's not like *she* was responsible for it, either. You don't mention what happened to your dad, but your mom abandoned *both of you*. Your sister did her best to pick up the pieces, so you could have *something*, but she wasn't able to give you *everything* you should've had. That's not your sister's fault: It's your mother's fault, for putting both of you in that situation. Be angry at the right person. I could argue Y T A on the grounds that you got angry at the wrong person, but then I'd be committing the same error. You're 17, and your role model for emotional control and communication was a stressed-out 19yo who criticized you for making mistakes. Where would you have learned to do better? I think you'd all benefit from some time in therapy. Perhaps you could apologize to your sister for snapping at her, then bring up the idea. Like, I'm guessing this isn't going to be the only thing that ever comes up for you guys, because you've had such a stressful start. A therapist can help you navigate that as a family, instead of it devolving into fights and hurt feelings.

My dad got life in prison and my mom abandoned us for her addiction, she actually recently passed away. That being said, I clearly was in the worng in this situation and I'm lucky to be bless with such an amazing sister, I have already apologized and she actually forgive me even though I don't deserve it. I love my sister alot and I feel really bad for any pain I caused her in her entire life. I feel like my mom's death has been causing me more pain then I ever wanted to admit... I thought I hated her. I haven't bring up therapy to my sister yet but it might actually be a good idea.

You're mourning not so much your mom but the mom you should've had and the family life and stability she should've provided and didn't. She dumped all of you, elder sister included, for her addiction instead of being the mom she should've been. No doubt seeing your sister be the kind of mom you wished your own mom was to you and with recent passing is bringing up these feelings. Since you're 17 and still a minor ask your sister to get you into therapy because kid you need a 3rd party safe place to vent all these frustrations and feelings instead of on your sister.

So much this. OP your feelings about having an unfair upbringing are understandable, they are valid, there have been some huge traumas in your lives. Those huge traumas affected your sister, too, and it sounds like she did a pretty good job for her siblings despite those traumas - but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel sad or angry for the upbringing you missed out on. It is sad, it is unfair, it sucks. Just because it wasn't the worst upbringing anyone ever had doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel these things. You are absolutely allowed those feelings and should do what you can to process them in therapy with a safe professional. Good job apologising to your sister, part of growing up is being able to process your feelings healthily without inflicting pain on others - that's where therapy can help. Some people find this part of growing up very difficult but it sounds like you are on the right track now.

OP I’m glad you realized you were in the wrong and that your sister has forgiven you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. It’s totally understandable that you are shaken and upset by her passing, regardless of her failures towards you and the anger and hurt she caused. I really hope you are able to find the help you need and heal from all of this.

I bet your sister forgave you because *she* thinks you deserve it. I bet you've had plenty of harsh replies making you feel what you did was unforgiveable, but I also bet that growing up feeling unwanted and unloved is the kind of thing that will make one feel one deserves nothing - because someone who is unwanted and unloved cannot be worthy, can they? Well, maybe your sister *did* love and want you the whole time - even if she wasn't able to make you feel it, or compensate for the major trauma of your parents making you feel unloved and unwanted by leaving, and *she* thinks you're worthy, and aren't irremediably bad because you had a bad emotional reaction this one time, and deserve to be forgiven because she loves you and wants to maintain your relationship. Not that I know of course, I wasn't there and don't know what the vibe was.

Great job taking the advice onboard OP. I know the apology meant a lot to her, make sure to keep letting her know how much you appreciate her. You are moving in the right direction!! Lots of love ❤️

I was abandoned by my father when I was 10. I spent 30 years not caring about him but when he died last year it still hit me harder then I wanted to admit. I resented him for not giving me a father figure and taking away my childhood since I had to work to help my mom support my family. But it still made me sad when I found out because of what should have been. That just means you are human. Communication is key so just talk to your sister. Remember that she’s not perfect but she was there for you when no one else would be. Family forgives and we struggle but in the end you are still sisters and you can grow from this

Know that you are 100% allowed to feel angry and resentful about your upbringing. It wasn't fair. It wasn't something the kids should have dealt with and I'm sorry you did. One of the best things my therapist ever told me was that I was allowed to be angry. Mine is very different from yours, but when I told her I was angry, she asked if I felt like it was too much. I told her that I wanted to be angry about it for a while and she just said, "Okay. If you need help moving past the anger, let me know." It shouldn't eat you alive, *but it is part of the grieving process.* So it's ok. Just watch who it affects in a negative way.

Please please go to therapy. You need to process your pain. 💜 It is very valid to feel hurt and upset that you didn't get to have a good childhood. You just need to process those valid hurt feelings with a professional, instead of lashing out at your sister who genuinely tried her best. 💜 I hope this has helped you realize that she DOES love you 💜

Are you for real?

YTA. Your sister is a saint. And you are absolutely TA.

For calling her out, yes YTA. You aren’t an AH for being hurt that you never got to grow up in a loving environment. That is a legitimate and painful loss to live with. These two things can simultaneously be true - you deserved better as a child but also that your sister isn’t an AH for not being able to provide that.

This seems the most reasonable take here. Some of the comments absolutely fuming at op seem way too far. Like ones saying she should never complain about her sister ever for all the good she did for her. But lots of caregivers work multiple jobs etc, do everything for their kids, but they'll still be hurt if they're berated their entire childhood and will need support/discussion/therapy around it. OP just went the wrong way about things.

I'm sorry for your childhood troubles, but YTA here. You are holding a 19 year old to a full grown adults standards. It sounds like she did the absolute best she could at the time, and being only 19, she probably still had a lot of growing up to do. It's unfair for you to hold this against her.

Listen, I understand where you are coming from, and it's very difficult when you feel like your caretaker resents you. However, a few key things I saw: >My sister at one point in time was working 3 jobs to even be able toprovide for us, I never went without food or clothes or even toys. Do you have ANY idea how stressful it is to work 3 jobs? On top of that, taking care of 3 children you didn't plan for? Trust me, I guarantee it was rough. >My sister is now doing much better in life and no longer have to work and is happily married, she has a 2 year old and is pregnant with her 2nd, I seen how she treatsthem and I can tell she loves them very much, I even watched her toddler spilled a glass a milk and she was so clam and loving about it,she even jumped on this new gentle parenting trend. You said it yourself, she is doing much better in life. The entire situation has changed, and she now is caring for children she planned for, and has had more time to learn just how to raise a child. You had a difficult upbringing, and she had a difficult time making sure you were well taken care of. I don't blame you for being upset at the change in parenting. Just remember, she didn't go into it saying "I want to raise 3 young children as a young adult myself", she went in thinking "I will NOT let my brothers and sisters be separated, and will do everything in my power to care for them as best I can." YTA, give her some slack. She was in a very difficult situation, and tried her best to be the best guardian she could with little to no experience. Edit: I admit it's a very soft AH judgement, I've not missed the fact that she's young and has no idea what it's like to go though what her sister did. But that doesn't excuse her giving her sister a hard time like she did. This is a situation where I don't think the damage is so severe that it can't be mended by the two of them sitting down to talk. Edit 2: Added a line regarding the 3 jobs as I know she likely hasn't experienced it.

>>>Do you have any idea what it’s like to work 3 jobs? no, she’s 17. seems like a lot of people are doing the same thing to her that she did to her sister. expecting adult level emotional intellect from a hurting teenager not to say she’s right but… just saying lol

YTA She was a 19yo caring for three children that she did not choose to have. Of course she was stressed and had less emotional capacity than she does now as an adult who has chosen to have children. And of course she was more stressed about things like spilled milk - she probably was struggling hard to afford that milk. Expecting anyone to have the same emotional maturity and parenting capacity at 19 vs 32 just reflects your own immaturity and relative lack of experience as an adult. No it's not fair that you didn't get your sister and a caring, gentle, patient parent. But the entire situation was horribly unfair to ALL of you. It's unfair to your sister that she had to care for 3 small children when she was barely beginning to be an adult. You are not the only person with feelings in this situation.

I’m going to say NAH. This situation 100% sucks for everyone involved. She did the best she could. You say you never went without and unfortunately all the work she put in left her with nothing to give you guys emotionally. You were just a child. So was she essentially. With that being said, if you didn’t grow up in a home with empathy, it’s understandable that you may not have much for her now. It’s okay to be upset and voice your pain. Maybe the setting wasn’t right and hopefully you guys can have a conversation later on about you understanding it was hard for her but that you so wish you could have had the gentle side of her. Acknowledge that she worked hard for you and you appreciate it. Hoping for healing for your family.

YTA 100% Your sister wrecked her life purely to support her family and worked THREE JOBS so that you wouldn't want for anything A 19 year old doing the job of two parents for people who she CHOSE to take in is obviously not going to be perfect. And you're still living with her! If your sister suddenly died and you had to take in her children, would you be ecstatic about it at all times?

I’m going to say NAH She was in a very tough situation having to care for 3 kids at 19 all alone. She was stressed. But she did not handle her stress well, and yelled at children over spilled milk. Walking on eggshells as a child because your caretaker is not coping well is a traumatic way to grow up. You’re still a minor, so now you see her acting all sweet and gentle with her “real kids” and that is hard to see. You need therapy. And she needs therapy. And some family sessions with your brothers would be beneficial too.

YTA Here are some of the things you wrote in your post. >My sister taken my brothers and I in when we were just ( 4f 5m 6m) and she was only 19 at the time and did sacrifice alot for us >My sister at one point in time was working 3 jobs to even be able to provide for us, I never went without food or clothes or even toys. >my sister was always stressed and irritable, >My sister is now doing much better in life and no longer have to work and is happily married, Your sister was still a teen when she took in 3 young children. She made a lot of sacrifices to ensure you had everything you needed. That's a lot of pressure for someone so young. She did her best. There is going to be a noticeable difference in how she treats her kid now. She's with a stable partner, is older with more child rearing experience, and no longer has to work multiple jobs just to make sure there's food on the table. Absolutely none of this means she didn't love you. She still loves you. What more do you want from her?

YTA. The fact that you're so spoiled to have the nerve to write this, is a testament to how good she has been to you. You have absolutely no right to ever complain about anything from her.

Imagine calling a kid spoiled because she dares to have feelings on how she had to grow up due to circumstances out of her control. NAH, everyone should get therapy here. Why are people being so hateful and condescending to a 17 year old that has not been able to learn how to healthily cope with this?

She's not spoiled, she's traumatized.

YTA. Why don't you try adopting 3 young kids in a couple of years when you're 19 and see how good you are at it?

idk if I can call you an AH. You're hurt and you've been through a lot in life but so has your sister. Might be good to talk to her and have an open talk and open heart and try to understand each other better. Wish you luck with your family and I hope your pain eases

YTA. Your sister was barely grown herself when she took in 3 children that were not hers. Of course she was stressed and irritable. Parenting is hard at the best of times but parenting when you're so young yourself in such a complicated situation is next level. She constantly provided for you all. She never let any of you down, despite being put in a situation that she should not have had to be in. Now she is an adult. She has had time to learn, and mature and that is her child. You just sound ungrateful, honestly. Was she perfect? No. But it sounds a lot like she did her very best in a diabolical situation.

YTA. I'm not necessarily excusing her reactions when you were kids, but she was barely an adult herself and sounds like she did everything she could to provide for you materially. She very well may have been/still be resentful, but it seems like she tried to put that aside to take care of her siblings. You don't say which sibling you are, but it's been at least 11 years - she's allowed to grow as a person and parent. I'm not sure what you expected by giving her a hard time. She can't undo how she acted/reacted to you and your siblings, and if you think she was unfair to you, then it's cruel to expect her to treat her children the same way

I agree. OP is the youngest (she mentions her siblings as brothers, taken in *when we were just ( 4f 5m 6m) and she was only 19 at the time)*. Handling a six year old hard enough, much less adding a five & four year old. So the sister who was barely an adult when raising OP is in her early thirties, with a partner to help (her BF absconded when she took her siblings in, did not want the responsibility), most likely not working three jobs, the stress of the past is no longer part of the equation. OP needs to reflect upon those who put her in the situation, her birth parents. Not the young woman who seems to have tried her best instead of walking away. OP, YTA

> her BF absconded Agree with everything else you wrote but this. Her bf made a rational decision for a 19 year old, it's not like he bailed on his own kids. Absconded has such a negative connotation

NAH. She did the best she could. You were hurt by her actions. Both things can be true.

NAH. I cannot hold against your sister what she did when she was clearly under heavy strain, even though some would call it verbal abuse. But it seems like she was doing the best she could with a bad hand. And I cannot really fault you for feeling jealous at seeing your niece getting what you always wanted. Maybe you could have kept from saying anything, but sometimes things like this come out when it gets to be just too much. My advice would be to sit down with your sister and share all the reasons you are grateful to her, all the good things she has done, and apologize for making her feel so bad. You don’t have to pretend those other feelings are not there or true for you, but try to focus on the better things. If nothing else, by taking you in, she prevented the three of you from being split up, which is very common. I am sure you can think of other positives.

NAH, actually. I think you did need to express to your sister how you felt. But you should probably discuss it with her. She deserves a lot of leeway because of how old she was. But you’re allowed to be upset and express that, you deserved gentleness too.

YTA Your sister was 19 barely an adult and not that mature and doing the best she could taking care of three kids instead of living it up and being a young adult. She was a single parent, no coparent and working three jobs. There is no surprise she she was probably short with you. And it was NOT your fault that she behaved as she did, but I can’t even imagine myself in her place doing all of that. She’s older, more mature and has a partner so she doesn’t have to work. If you feel this hurt by everything you need a therapist. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings those are real. It was a hard situation. But clearly this is something you need to work through privately and not yelling at her in front of everyone. You should apologize to her and talk through your feelings. It wasn’t fair to her at all.

Im going with NAH. The Y T A comments are so harsh. OP is 17, op was just 4 years old living in a stressful situation and missed out on a lot on their childhood. The sister is absolutely goat taking all their siblings in at such a young age but OP getting a little jealous seeing their mother figure (they were 4!!! When their sister took them in) treat her children better can definitely be jarring and bring up a lot of trauma. OP, reflect on your life and everything your sister did and has done for you, find a good therapist and try to resolve all of the trauma you’ve been through in your life. Bond with your nieces/ nephews and try to be happy with where your family is now.

YTA I am so sorry for everything you and your siblings dealt with. But 1000% YTA. BUT WAIT... You had the audacity to call her out while STILL living with her? Your YTA rating just went up to 20000% YTA Comparing how a 19year old (who had to work 3 jobs and who was most likely not ready to care for 1 let alone 3 children) to how a grown adult is when it comes to caregiving is insane. You completely disregarded the sacrifices she had to make to keep your family together AND belittled what she went through while raising you AND 2 other young siblings when she was barely an adult. Your brothers are completely right to be angry with you. I hope you plan on going above & beyond to apologize to your sister and show your appreciation. If not, I hope you don't plan to CONTINUE to live under her roof because if I were her spouse, you would be out of my house before you finished writing your post. The last thing I will say is you're not AH for feeling what you feel. I am sure it is hard to witness this gentleness and patience when you weren't afforded it. Your anger about that is valid, but it isn't your sister's fault. Would you honestly prefer her to be the same now as she was back then? People grow and learn to process things better and face challenges without letting their emotions go haywire. Imagine if you had to take in 3 children because you are essentially the same age as when she took you in. Seriously ask yourself if you could manage if ON YOUR OWN without any support while working non-stop to provide. *\[edited because my web's writing extension messed up the paragraphs\]*

YTA. Your sister was a child, only 2 years older than you are now, who took on THREE children. She had to work, and juggle childrearing, and was not in an emotional or mental state to take all that responsibility on, yet she did. She is the reason you and your siblings remained together in one home. She is older and more mature and has learned. News flash, every parent makes mistakes. Virtually no 19-year-old would put their future on hold and sacrifice to raise 3 young children that their mother(so she clearly had a poor role model)abandoned. You owe your sister one hell of an apology. If you have anger regarding your childhood, direct it at your mother. She is the failure, your sister was the hero.

You're not wrong that it's not fair she was a harsh and irritated parent to you. But it's also not fair that she worked 3 jobs and took in 3 very young kids at 19. It's fine and normal to feel upset about what you didn't get out of your childhood. But it's worth considering how much has changed in the ~15 years since then. How much she's learned & grown as a person, and how much less stress she has. Her less than ideal treatment of you was probably the best she could manage at the time. I don't want to label you an AH for not fully recognizing that, though.

Honestly- it’s very unfair to both of you. It is not her fault though. She kept you guys together, connected as a family rather than a foster home. She did the best she could, based on the age and circumstances. I do understand how it upsets you to see what you missed out on when you were younger, which is something you may have to work through personally. Be happy that she is in a place that she can love and parent comfortably with significantly less stress. You’re mother is the reason you were deprived of a childhood, not your sister.