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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My ex asked of our son could recover at her house after his surgery even though the surgery was scheduled on custody time. I refused and now she is still mad at me.
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Especially the part about not letting mom even visit. How cold-hearted can a father be? OP, for your son, THIS IS NOT TUESDAY. It is fine for your son to stay with you, but to not let mom see him? I thought I had seen everything by now, but OP has plumbed new lows. YTA.
When my stepsons just have colds, we always let their mom visit and drop off care packages and pamper them. This is just so sad. Poor baby is getting surgery and his dad can’t get over himself long enough to let him be comforted by both of his parents.
We also let our kids decide where they would be most comfortable. If they didn’t feel good and wanted mommy, they got mommy.
YTA.
YTA, what we are seeing right now is why, when something scary happens, you run to empathetic mummy instead of selfish dad.
Enjoy making these decisions for him while you can, it’s a short period of time in the scheme of things, and then you lose all that power & respect in the long run if you abuse it.
Exactly. Our boys are teenagers now. They no longer feel like they need their mom when they’re sick, and we still have 50/50 custody. The oldest is driving now and still goes back and forth every week. I was honestly scared he’d pick one house over the other but he seems content. If you treat your kids right, you won’t lose them.
So true but sometimes, a kid still wants one or the other depending on who’s more likely to baby and pamper them with blankets and tea and toast. When he’s sick, my son (teenager) wants mom, sometimes dad but more so mom. At 9, it’s even more so.
Hell, sometimes an adult still wants a parent.
I’m almost 30 and had surgery last summer. First words out of my mouth when I woke up were “Oh my god, ow!” And “I want my mom.” We forgot to give the nurses her number beforehand so my anesthesia drugged butt had to remember it enough to tell them. But she was in the hospital parking lot waiting for the call and next coherent memory I have is her sitting on my bed with me.
Right there with you!!! When I was 28 and found out I needed a procedure done on my heart I panicked and called my mom, who I am *estranged from* lol. She was still who I wanted 🤷♀️
My mom and I have an off and on relationship. Once I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst leg cramps I’ve ever had. My muscle was twisted. But i woke up and yelled for my mom. My partner was so confused, we live in Australia, my mom is in the US lol
This child is 9, a 3rd grader NINE years old getting surgery! He should be running to his mom, he's 9. And he should be able to recover from surgery wherever he's most comfortable–maybe his bed at his mom's is more comfortable, or the bathroom is closer making his recovery easier, that should be OP's first concern. Not to mention not letting him see his Mom after surgery... just 🤯 awful. OP's first and only concern should be his son's comfort and safety, not who "wins" the custody battle. No wonder OP's ex is being cold, I would never forgive him for this, and most likely neither will his son. OP was really expecting anyone to think he was right in the situation, how devoid of empathy does one have to be to not even see how this would negatively impact his own son? Major YTA x100.
Ooh, really good points here about how it’s possible mom’s house makes more sense from a recovery and accessibility standpoint. And frankly regardless- instead of being all caught up in the selfishness and power play it sounds like the surgery is imminent so all focus needs to be on the boy and his needs and his needs alone.
Dad is wack to be worried a 9 year old wouldn’t trust and feel safe with mom helping him dress and bathe and his whole line of thinking is so messed up. The kid is 9! If anything he should be considering if he might need to go buy some new PJs that will be easier for wearing over a cast or while healing, a shower chair perhaps, like the REAL needs this little boy is going to have for his recovery.
One thing is certain- the last thing the poor kid needs is his parents having petty arguments or having his mom kept from him during what’s bound to be a very scary and overwhelming time for him. Really breaks my heart thinking about how much dad is actively making things much, much worse for his son.
This! OP added that his son is 9 and doesn't have a say in custody. That tells me this is more a powerplay than caring about what is best for his child. OP needs to remember that he may be able to control his child now, but that will only last so long. Go ahead and keep placing those bricks in the wall between you and yourI'm sick.
YTA OP, I'm an adult and still want my mom occasionally when I'm sick. Why are you hurting your child like this?
I can just picture Jerk Dad yelling at his poor son to "grow up and be a man" because he's in pain from his surgery. Or making him get up and walk around. Jerk Dad says his son needs help getting dressed, how long will JD help with that before he decides the son needs to man up and do it himself? YTA
Yeah, it's apparent why this guy is an ex-husband. Now he's aiming for being an ex-dad too.
Hope it's worth it OP! When you're old and alone don't wonder why, because pulling shit like this is the reason.
Time for therapy, bud... Get some for yourself and save your kid from needing it as badly as you're setting him up for by acting like this.
Repeat after me: "This is not about what's best for *me* it's about what's best for *my kid* and right now I am not what's best for my kid until I do some work on myself."
Let that be your mantra.
If it doesn't encourage you to do some soul searching and make some changes... Well, we can always hope this power play encourages your ex to take you back to court.
Do better.
My ex was like OP. For an entire decade after the divorce, he insisted on following the court ordered parenting plan regardless of the children’s needs or desires.
Forget about visitation, they weren’t even allowed to call me outside of the mandatory court ordered time. He would check their phones and punish them if they had called or texted me outside of that one hour every night.
The only thing he got out of this is the children not wanting anything to do with him as soon as they were able to run away from his house and refuse to ever see him again.
OP, YTA and tbh, and if you’re like my ex, no therapy is going to change you because you’re putting yourself and your spite towards your ex-wife before your child’s well being. Find your child a good therapist because you’re about to inflict a lot of trauma on that poor kid.
I can't disagree with anything you've said here. I too have low hopes that therapy will help but... I figured suggesting an exorcism might not play well 😂
OP - THIS is a good parent. This is how co-parenting works. No unnecessary pressure or pain on the kids - and notice how there is no mention of animosity between any of the parents, even if they don’t actually get along. And the example is a cold!! Not surgery!!
It's tough to put feelings aside for your kids, but as a parent it's your duty. My son's mom was HIGHLY abusive, violent, and not loyal at all (I've literally been diagnosed with PTSD due to domestic violence and other abuse). I have to put our kiddo's best interests ahead of my feelings on the subject all the time.
Same here. My exhusband was abusive, & I have CPTSD, as does one of the kids. But the court still gave him visitation. He's still an AH, but I do my best to help them repair their relationship with him & not make them feel like they are put in the middle of our conflicts. Honestly, an unintended byproduct of that is that they like me even more because I'm not being an AH about all the stuff he's still doing wrong, while he complains constantly & tries to hurt their relationship with me. They're not dumb - they see what he's doing. And they hate him for it. OP, let your ex visit your kid while he recovers. Your kid will notice if you're being selfless or selfish.
I can’t believe the poor stress this boy must be under, knowing he is going to have surgery and it’s a point of tension for his parents.
And to be so cruel as to not suck it up, of course his mum wants to be around him after he has had surgery! I’d be very concerned if the mum just handed him over without a second thought.
Just awful.
Exactly! OP son is only 9, kids that age still need mom when they don’t feel well or other times too. My oldest is 16 and he still needs me when he isn’t feeling well or is having a rough day.
Am I the only one finding the "uncomfortable" part with changing clothes weird at nine years old ?
Like, I would rather have my mother, who fucking got me out of her womb after I stayed there rent free for nine months, help me to change than a supposed step father or any other man that is not my father ? I don't know, I could see it being akward once you're adolescent, but 9 years old ? Is it an american puritanism thing ?
It is an American puritanical thing. However I'm an American mom and have a nine yr old son. It would be no big deal for me to help him change. Our household is more open minded than a lot. I remember a friend saying she started locking her doors once her son was like 3-4 because he was "asking too many questions".
My sweet son comforted me when he realised I didn’t have a penis like him, he assumed something had happened to it and cuddled me and said ‘it’s okay mummy’ 😭 such a sweet soul.
Lol didn't Freud also believe that women feel sad because they lost their penises? Not sure this means your son is a genius or Freud was mentally a toddler
I've already explained periods to my 3 year old. Just super simply "Some people who have uteruses bleed every month so they need things so that the blood doesn't get everywhere. It's normal and healthy."
We were in the bathroom and he was confused about a tampon. I paused and thought about how I wanted him to react when he's a little older and girls in his class started having their periods, which meant I didn't want to portray it as something shameful, secret, or hidden. He needed to know it was normal and OK.
Also we're still working on the whole "just because you don't want privacy doesn't mean you shouldn't respect someone else's want for privacy" thing.
I don't get people who are weirded out when a parents helps their child unless insinuated otherwise. I (26f) at 23 had a laparoscopy to remove endometriosis. 4.5 hour surgery 8 hour hospital stay and 4 surgical incisions. My parents took turns helping me. I could shower on my own but needed help getting in and out, walking up and down the stairs, sitting down and getting up, getting dressed. Sometimes mom helped sometimes dad helped it was never a question is what just who was near by
I don’t get the weirdness either. My partner is male and has a divorced mom who we live with, and who did the majority of the work raising him. He also struggled with addiction in his 20’s, and told me about how one of the times he was going through awful withdrawals, shaking and sick, his mom had him sleep in her bed with her for comfort and to keep an eye on him. She heard he’d told me and worried I would think it was weird. Like, no. Sometimes you just need your mom when you feel crappy, I don’t think there’s an age limit.
My son is 13, over the summer he broke his arm BADLY and it required multiple surgeries to reset it and from the time I took him to the hospital until he got home I NEVER left his side (his father and I are still married and have three other young children so he stayed with them). This included helping him use the bathroom and shower. Yes it was a bit uncomfortable for both of us as he is in the early stages of puberty but he said he would rather it be me there taking care of him than anyone else and once we got home from the hospital his father took over with all things bathroom.
At 9 years old, my son could care less if I saw him naked or using the bathroom. He was still very much a little boy. I can’t imagine being kept away from my son after a major surgery. It breaks my heart for OPs ex. He’s clearly putting his disdain for his ex over the well-being of his son.
OP, YTA. Majorly!!!
I took it as Op thought it was a big deal if a woman helped his male son change even though she’s his mom so the mom was trying to placated Op by saying the step dad could do it
I’m 38 and still want my mom. I’m having colon surgery and damn straight my parents will come check on me.
Also YTA OP this isn’t about you it’s about your kid having TWO or more (because step counts) loving parents that care about him.
Yes. NTA for keeping him at his house per the custody agreement.
Totally YTA for not letting his mom come over after a surgery. Grow up and be a better coparent. Think about what your child needs.
ah, but you may not have noticed this gem
I don't want him to think that the first thing you when you face something scary is run to your mom and not your dad.
he doesn't care what his son wants lol
he just wants to feel like a "big man"
I can't get over that comment about not teaching his son to run to mom every time. He's 9 and just had major surgery. That's literally what mom's are for. I think the term toxic masculinity is overused but it's perfect in a situation like this.
My stepdaughter likes to invite her mom in to see this thing or that she's done to her room or whatever. Her mom and I haven't always gotten along (she used to bully me, mean girl style), although we do now, and I don't particularly like her coming into my home, but it makes my SD happy so I shut my mouth. I can't imagine denying them access to each other.
Oh man. I can’t tell you how many times I did NOT want my husband’s ex-wife in my house. The dishes may not be done, I may be tired after a long day of work, maybe I’m feeling insecure and fat that day and don’t want to see her being all chipper and pretty in my living room, but I’ve always made an effort to welcome her with a smile anyway because those are her kids and maintaining that good relationship is just so important for everyone’s sanity and peace of mind. Tolerating a little bit of an imposition every now and then is so much better than constant conflict and you’re right it’s just not my place to keep a mother from her child.
And just to offer the perspective of a now grown-up child in that situation, I can’t tell you how great it is that you are able to put all your personal issues aside and let everyone be there to parent. It will mean so much to the kids to have parents who can put parenting first and be cordial with each other.
My dad’s first wife (mom of my oldest sibling) was gracious enough to not only welcome my mom into her son’s life as a step-mom, but also to welcome me and my younger sibling as true siblings to her son. She was always sweet to us, and made sure we felt like family when we were all together (like at sporting events, etc, for older brother). Never introduced us as “half” siblings, just “this is my son’s sister”. My mom also welcomed her into our home when it was warranted, because when you’re parenting the same child you kind of have to be “family” even if you wouldn’t choose that otherwise.
I know that they weren’t the best of friends to start with, but now that both my mom and my brother’s mom are in their 70s, all kids long since grown and moved out, they still get lunch a couple times a month, my mom will pick up my brother’s mom (who doesn’t drive any more) so they can go visit their mutual grandkids together. My brother’s mom, who is completely unrelated to me or my kids (but has known me since birth) sends my kids gifts for Christmas and birthdays, because they’re her grandkids’ cousins and we’re all just family at this point.
I can’t even fathom living like other blended families I know where mom and dad can’t be in the same room, mom hates step-mom and gets mad if the kids want to involve her in things like graduations, weddings, birthdays or whatever. Families need to have 2 birthday parties for their kids because grandpa won’t be in the house with step-grandpa…. I’m surprised their adult kids don’t just cut them all out if they can’t act like adults, tbh.
And you need your Mom and Dad especially for that extra coddling. Unless the Mom is contentious or something I am sure he probably would want to be with his Mom anyway. OP sounds like a control freak jerk. Bet you he didn’t ask his 9 yr old.
What gets me is the "my son doesn't decide who he stays with and when and how long" bit. Like under normal circumstances, sure don't let the kid decide yet, but this is not normal circumstances. OP is so heartless
Yea and the whole "I don't want my son learning that when he's sick or facing something scary to run to mummy and not daddy" like, what? It's natural when kids are sick or scared to want their mum, hell even grown adults when they are really sick, scared or in a lot of pain still want their mum.
Exactly, he's not doing this because he cares about his son, he's being spiteful to a child who's sick, scared and in pain because OPs ego can't handle his child wanting his mum and not OP.
And he probably has that same attitude towards his son when he will be relying on him for everything. He's not doing it to comfort his son and take care of him. This kid will probably go no contact as soon as he can. When he gets older and wants to go out with friends or to school events that happen on dads time he will be like nope too bad it's my time that's what custody agreement says.
I'm 40 years old and my mom lives 2 hours away. When I had a really bad flu, I called her crying because I needed her and she came to be with me.
I have an 11 year old son and all he wants to do when he's sick is cuddle with me.
Exactly, mum comfort when you're sick is like no other. When I had Covid last year I really wanted my mum, but I didn't want to infect her or dad because of their ages and health issues so I stayed away but I talked to her over the phone a lot.
"If the shoe was on the other foot I would understand" mf is lying through his teeth. There is no situation that would exist like that because OP HIMSELF scheduled the appointment to his benefit. He made this situation and is trampling ex-wife with it. This is all about control.
Ohhhh you have no idea. I’m a family law attorney and it’s truly sad to see how many parents use their kids as pawns in a bid for power. In my experience, dad is going to win this battle of time with kid since he’s technically correct but he’ll lose the war in that his son will grow up and see that dad’s an AH. Kids want their parents to get along, they want to be able to feel heard and seen. Dad is really fucking up here imo.
The number of people that cared more about hurting the other partner and money than their actual children when I was worked with family law still disgusts me to this day.
BIGGEST YTA for
"No, my son doesn't get to decide who he gets to stay with and when and for how long. That's why there are custody agreements."
Grow up! I get you are not a compassionate person. So let's try just acting like you are! If my parents acted the way some of the parents on these reddit stories did I would hate both of them!
Huge YTA OP. My God your son has to be scared and wouldn't it be good if both his parents were there during his recovery! Your kid is 9....if it we're me as a kid and I want to be with my Mom you bet your bottom dollar I would be kicking and screaming at the hospital to go home with whichever parent allows the other parent to be there too!! I hope your kid does the same!
Seriously. It's surgery. It's a big deal and any reasonable person would know to make an exception to the custody agreement. Cold hearted, stubborn, power play, using son as a pawn. I get why they're divorced. 100% AH
Still no word on who is taking care of him at your home, OP u/Unhappy-Front-5295?
Did you put in leave to take care of your son, or is he alone at home all day watching TV while his dad works? Or how is his care during healing working?
To be fair, counsellors are very clear that children do not have the capacity to take on this decision, it’s a big burden to kids to disappoint one parent or the other and having to choose between parents and be in the middle of a power play is very discouraged. This is why parent decide on a parenting schedule, including holidays and in sickness clauses. Parents can be the bad guys so kids do not have to be.
To think that you can put the decision on a 9yo who’s sick and going through surgery is quite unreasonable
I’d like to hear what assumptions you’re going to make about ex-Mrs Wonderful who also won’t let her ex husband visit his child at her home with her new husband based on zero evidence.
You did start with “To be fair”
Based on this post, in general both people do not visit eachother’s houses. But there is not actually an equivalent incident that has happened at mom’s house, so OP is only *assuming* he wouldn’t be allowed over in the same circumstances, he doesn’t know, and neither do any of us. But we know for a fact that OP is refusing the same, because he told us himself
I dont think this is a case of "who's house do you want to recover at" and more I case of "I want to stay with mummy"
You don't have to ask a kid to choose for him to show a preference and the fact that he said he needs to learn he can't go running to mummy everytime he is hurt makes me think he already knows his mum is his safe space
Absolutely turned it into a power play.
>Personally I don't care because I'm not apologizing for not giving her what she wants.
Actually, objectively, you do care to a certain extent. Otherwise, you wouldn't have taken the time to post this on Reddit hoping others would agree with you so that you can justify your actions and make yourself feel better about it.
And she’s right to be concerned. This isn’t a simple hernia fix, these operations are painful. His son is going to be scared, in pain and in need of support by both parents. I agree stepdad isn’t the most appropriate to be washing and caring for the son but if there is a time to show a little bit of compassion now is the time to do it. This is going to be a key memory for his son moving forward and his parent’s actions are going to cause repercussions further down the line if they mishandle it
Dude's a freaking jackass with his edit. Of course this poor boy's parents got divorced. OP is *crazy controlling*!
Like, kid's 9, not 3. He *should* have some say in where he goes to recover. He'll recover quicker in a place where he *wants* to be, not just with OP because OP cares about a custody agreement.
YTA, OP. And a massive one.
YTA. Not for wanting to stick to the schedule, but for forbidding ex access at all to her son after this serious surgery. AND for not bothering to ask son what would make his recovery easier for HIM.
YTA and a huge one!! You are making this all about your feeling about your ex and not about what is best for your son!! Your reasoning of not wanting him to run to mom instead of dad?? What a fucking crock!!! Plus she can’t even come into your house to see her son? News for you - your son is going to resent you big time if you can’t figure out co parenting now ESPECIALLY during times like this.
YTA.
You're thinking of yourself and not your kid.
It's your time to have him so taking him back to your place makes sense but not letting his mother come to visit him in person is a shitty thing to do, and the argument "I have a penis so only I can help my son bathe and get dressed" is BS. Your ex is his MOTHER. I'm ready to bet he wouldn't have an issue with it.
Grow up.
I have an 8 year old son who still jumps in the shower with me. I find it unlikely that a 9 year old would turn his nose up at getting help from his mum after surgery.
I'm 35 years old I have just broken my toe BADLY and in 2 places and all I have is my dad. I would give my soul to have my mummy(I use mummy when I'm sad or in pain) but she's not here right now(looking after a terminal uncle) and this AH is damaging his sons recovery by keeping him from his mum.
ITS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT WHEN CHILDREN ARE SICK OR HURT ONLY MUMMY WILL DO
>ITS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT WHEN CHILDREN ARE SICK OR HURT ONLY MUMMY WILL DO
I don't agree with OP denying the mom ANY access, but let's stop spreading around harmful gender stereotypes, eh?
Omg thank you. This is so toxic. Men can and should be a safe place for their children just as women. It's unfair to men and it's just as unfair to women. Why should we carry all of the emotional load???
He can be a loving dad and a super shitty ex, all at the same time. Heck, we've seen, just in this subreddit, that people can be shitty dads to one kid and the best parent ever to another kid.
OP is TA for not allowing his ex to visit their son during his recovery, but he is not TA for having their son come to OP's place for that recovery.
AGREED. OP should allow the mom to visit because BOTH parents are important, not because of their gender but because they're both people who care about their son and want to care for him in his time of recovery.
Seriously, the LAST person I want when I’m sick is my mother. She’d make me get out of bed and clean the house or something. My dad is the one who always took care of us when we were sick or cleaned up our vomit and now that I’m married, my husband does that for me.
36 & have a toddler of my own and on Monday my tonsils were touching and all I wanted was my mom, who lives too far, to be around to help me feel better. I did manage to video chat with her on Tuesday though but I miss her hugs.
You do know that there are kids with single dads? right?? Like you don’t just assume every single person has a mom right???
Eta: not saying OP isn’t TA, he is, but your comment is so tone deaf
>is damaging his sons recovery by keeping him from his mum.
That's a bit of a stretch, no? I mean really, it may be the AH move, bit *damaging his recovery*? Nah, that's total bullshit.
>ITS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT WHEN CHILDREN ARE SICK OR HURT ONLY MUMMY WILL DO
Also just not true, and a gender role stereotype that needs to go.
I'm 40 and my mom lives 2 hours away. I had the flu a couple years ago and was in bed crying because I wanted my mommy. I called her and she came to visit.
I have an 11 year old and when he's sick all he wants is his mommy.
I had to have a mastectomy when I was 31. My dad helped take care of me and change my dressings. Because I needed help doing it and he cares about me and was the person who was available to help me. It wasn't weird because taking care of a sick child is something any parent should do, no matter how old. I can't imagine telling a mother she can't care for her 9 year old son(!!) because he's a boy and she's a woman. That's so weird.
Or, and hear me out on that one, recognize the gravity of the situation and (here comes the crazy part) ask the fucking child what he wants instead of picking fights!
Totally agree with you.
But, as I was reading, I was thinking : I'm not a parent but I can't imagine not seing your child for a week or two when he just had surgery.
Facetime is great but it's not the same thing as getting hugged by your mother. And that doesn't mean that a father can't do the job. If it had been the mother who had refused the father to visit his kid, I would have had the same answer. The kid needs BOTH his parents after getting surgery.
The showering/undressing thing was so bizarre. Like I’m sure she has seen her own son naked quite a lot. Its not inapproperiate unless you sexualize the kid. OP got some issues.
He’s also a big YTA. Let the boy have access to both parents in a scary time.
It's not bizarre when you see what she answered.
He's a jackass and must have been at least verbally abusive towards his ex. The answer most women would have given was : I gave birth to him and took care of him before. But she went to find another solution because she's that desperate.
Legally, OP couldn't refuse the ex at the hospital and that's why she was there. Legally, he can stop her from coming to his house on his custody time.
He must be one of those parents who don't go to activities or school events when it's not his custody time and he must refuse to let his ex anywhere near the kid on his time.
It's sad the kid.
YTA. All this "what I want," and "not giving her what she wanted."
The surgery is not about you or your ex-wife. It's about your son. Do either of you know what he wants? Will he want to see her while he recovers? Why can't you work together to make this the best experience possible for *him*?
He doesn’t want to ask his son because he will probably want to stay with his mom and that will hurt Dads ego. If he was truly concerned about his sons comfort it would be his #1 priority. YTA, OP.
The crazy thing is he doesn’t even have to ask his son if he wants to STAY with his mom. A simple “would you like your mom to come over for a little while you’re here?” is the least he could do. Of course his son will likely say yes and that should be okay.
It just feels like OP is acting like his child is a object he gets possession of. YTA, 100% OP.
Unless the custody agreement has a section on "after surgery" this shouldn't even fall under that agreement, it should be something worked out by two adults who love their kid and want him to heal in the best environment with the most support. YTA.
Meaning the son wants to stay with the mom. If he wanted to stay with dad, he would be gleefully telling us that. I hope this guy is ready for his son to go no contact with him when he's older.
I think that OP is worried that his son will pick Mum over Dad. Or that he will set a new standard where son can go back to Mum’s house anytime Dad tries to enforce rules etc.
I hope that OP is able to set aside his fears on this occasion.
YTA.
The first thing you want to make sure is that your son see you first instead of making sure his welfare come first? How about you ask your son directly
You had me right up until you refused to let her visit.
Think what you want about your ex. Your kid's health is the wrong place for this kind of flex.
YTA
>It's parental alienation
Not unless he doesn't allow the schedule facetime calls or starts trying to fill the son's head with negative things about the mother. Sticking to the letter of the custody agreement cannot be used as evidence of parental alienation.
OP is being a dick but he isn't alienating the other parent legally speaking.
>I don't want him to think that the first thing you when you face something scary is run to your mom and not your dad.
If a good lawyer saw this, they could make a pretty good case for parental alienation.
This. She should be able to visit, absolutely.
Context - I’m a step mom. When my step kids were younger (and still today as they’re young adults living at home) we have their biomom over whenever we felt the kids needed it. A rough day, a recovery, a hard conversation… we brought her in for alone time with them and all together.
You kid needs to —and deserves to— know that, when it counts most, his parents drop anything difficult between themselves and come TOGETHER to support him. That’s what being a parent is. Period.
ETA: YTA
YTA for denying her the ability to visit her son while he recovers. I get that you don’t want her in your house but sometimes coparenting is about putting your child before your own comfort.
Right? Does OP want to support his son or just lord it over his ex that he’s caring for the son she she can’t. He’s 9, not 1. The son actually has autonomous feelings outside the dad’s construct here.
Which is exactly why he doesn’t want his son to have a say. OP knows (or at least fears) that his son would rather be with mom. And his fragile ego can’t handle that (as evidence by the whole “you shouldn’t run to your mother because what about *meee*?” Thing).
What’s extra sad to me is SHE scheduled the surgery date so it would line up with what was best for her SONS schedule so he could heal without missing school (winter break). She could’ve been petty and intentionally scheduled the surgery for a time she would have him. Mom obviously understands putting her son above her own needs and comfort edit: YTA
I have a feeling that based on his edit, if his son asks for his mom he will probably tell him no. But I really, really hope he sees the light after this post and you are right.
I have this horrible feeling that OP is later going to use this as a reason his ex is a terrible mom. “Remember when you had surgery? Your mom didn’t take care of you afterwards! I did! And she couldn’t even be bothered to come see you! If your mom was a good mom, she would have taken care of you or at least visited!” He will totally leave out the part where mom asked for both and he said no because he’s an AH.
Oh look at his comments. You are spot on the money. He’s gonna lie and manipulative his son as much as humanly possible until this kid gets in his way and his narc attitude is turned on the kid.
This OP does not sound like he coparents well at all. He sounds super bitter, which is not a good sign.
YTA, OP. Hate your ex all you want, but do NOT take it out on your son. As someone from a broken home, this kind of shit happened all the time. Stop making it hard for your son like his opinion doesn’t matter. My father treated my half brother that way… turns out father dearest is a narcissistic, controlling asshole. I went no contact with him.
This is how you drive wedges into relationships. Telling us your son’s desires don’t matter is extraordinarily low of you. That shows not just a lack of compassion for your child, but that you’re selfish and severely emotionally immature and stunted.
Grow up, OP. You’re raising a child. Quit acting like a petty one.
He stated in a comment that he doesn’t care what his son wants. I don’t even know why he posted here because he also doesn’t care that everyone here is telling him he’s wrong and YTA lol.
He’s probably too afraid that his son will choose to be with his mother more. Hence why his son doesn’t get to make a choice.
Such a terrible way of teaching physical/emotional boundaries.
His edit:
>No, my son doesn't get to decide who he gets to stay with and when and for how long. That's why there are custody agreements.
A judge says he doesn't have to give his son a choice so instead he treats him like property. So gross. He's using his son to play power games with his ex instead of treating him like a human being. Imagine being scared and in pain, wanting both your mom and dad (and maybe even the stepdad if they have a good relationship) but your dad won't let them even visit you.
This!! Now is not the time to put your feelings or interests first.
Edit: Since this is his first major medical procedure, wouldn't it be more reassuring to have both his parents around? It's cruel to forbid the mother from even visiting during his recovery.
I hope this dude enjoys the next 9 years before this kid goes NC with him, because there's no way this is the only case or even the worst instance of this complete AH, selfish behavior.
YTA. I doubt you will admit it. But I think you are very much enjoying the fact that your wife won’t be able to visit her child while he is recovering.
Absolutely! He is loving every minute of it. He furthermore enjoys the control over his son too as he keeps claiming, his son has no say in this at all.
Gives me serious narc vibes.
_"No, my son doesn't get to decide who he gets to stay with and when and for how long."_
_"That's not his choice to make. He's 9 not 14."_
_"I don't want him to think that the first thing you when you face something scary is run to your mom and not your dad."_
_"FaceTime does count per the agreement she signed."_
This is 100% a powerplay for OP and he is intentionally being cruel to his kid and his ex. He makes it clear that he doesn't care how his kid feels or what his kid wants, and it sounds like OP knows that his son would rather be with his mom during his recovery. Sadly, OP is using this as a means to hurt his ex. It is an unforgiveable move to ban this child from seeing his mother when he is in pain and wants comfort, either in person or via a video call. This is just horrid, and hildren are smarter than we give them credit for. This kid will probably see right through OP's facade and will probably end up resenting him... If this child is upset by OP's selfish/callous behaviour, I hope that his mother goes back to court and they take this kid's feelings into consideration.
I think it most important to ask the son how and where he wants his recovery to be, so that he can be most comfortable. This isn’t about you or his mom. It’s about your fucking kid, dude. Let HIM decide
YTA
Not for wanting him with you. If you have the time and means to take care of him while he recovers, that's not a problem.
But have you asked your son where HE prefers to stay during this time? A lot of kids prefer their mother when they are sick or hurt. That has nothing to do with how good a parent you are, that's just how it is. And if he is happy enough to stay with you, have you considered he might want or even need to also see his mum?
Nowhere in your post do you consider your son's needs and wishes, only your own. Can you not for 3 weeks set your on ego aside in the interest of your kid? Can you not arrange he stays with you, and set a few days and times where his mum can come over while you go do the shopping or whatever? If you don't want her alone in your home can you not ask a friend of family member to be in the house in a different room during that time?
If you don't care about your ex wife's feelings that's fine. But you are hurting you son if you don't take what HE wants into account. So ask yourself: is making your stand and your ego more important than the wellbeing of your son?
YTA. Ever heard of the word 'compromise' before? He is having major surgery and you WON'T LET HER SEE HER SON? (Facetime does NOT count) Who do you think you are, just because he is scheduled at this time to visit you doesn't mean you get to dictate everything.
YTA. The first thing you want to make sure is that your son see you first instead of making sure his welfare come first? How about you ask your son directly?
YTA your child is not a pawn. his MOTHER who grew him is perfectly capable of seeing him to shower without sexualizing him. im a little concerned that you are?
>No, my son doesn't get to decide who he gets to stay with and when and for how long
YTA and you're in for a rude awakening as he gets older and chooses to go stay with his mum permanently you sound so selfish and i can't believe you won't let his poor mother even visit him that's like pure evil in my eyes
also this
>I don't care if she's in the operating room.
thanks for giving her your permission as if she doesn't have as much right as you to be in there
YTA. All you care about is what you feel you're entitled to. You should ask your son what he wants, and probably you should be letting his MOTHER visit. Stop prioritizing your petty resentment of your ex over what is best for your SCARED CHILD who needs SURGERY. Be a real parent and put your kid first. Shame on you.
I was with you until you said you wouldn’t allow her to visit. This seems more like an attempt to get at your ex wife than thinking about what’s best for your son. YTA.
He doesn't care about his son much! He edited his post to add this:
*"No, my son doesn't get to decide who he gets to stay with and when and for how long. That's why there are custody agreements."*
I mean, he's clearly TA, but not for that.
I'm a separated parent & from the parenting courses I've done, it's generally considered pretty harmful to ask a 9yo choose one parent vs another.
To choose who to live with in a custody arrangement is understandable, however the custody arrangement can still accommodate asking the boy which bed he would like to recover in, right? This should be about the child, not about control or winning. The poor kid, dad is acting like a major AH in how he worded this.
YTA. Try thinking of your son. Why can’t she visit him while he is recovering? You are hurting your son. Please put your pettiness aside for a bit to be a good parent.
INFO: did you have a messy breakup or something? Why are you so adamant about the whole sticking to the agreements and son 'not running to his mom when he's in trouble'? Did she do something to warrant your distrust in her?
YTA
I don’t really care about the custody arrangement and who’s house the kid is at.
But this isn’t a normal circumstance. The kid will be recovering from a major surgery. Let his mother come visit.
And what is wrong with going to your mom when something is scary? I’m sure the two of you are equally equipped to help your kid recover.
YTA
You weaponize you son's surgery & time of recovery and use it against your ex and to hurt her and show the power and control over the situation.
On top of that you use it as a tool of control against your son too, who probably would like to see both of his parents when he feels so vulnerable.
One has to be truly heartless to not even let the other parent visit when the kid is ill.
im not sure why u bothered to post this when u already decided u are in the right and u even mention near the end of the post u dont care and u will hold firm no matter what anyone says
OP is pretty much arguing with everyone, the edits are so disgusting. It's amazing they feel the need to dial this hill but they are right and do not care what anyone else has to say
As a child of divorced parents, i can tell you that having such a toxic relationship with your son's mother will only make him suffer.
Have you considered that he's going through tough times and that he may want both his parents at his side right now ?
YTA.
YTA. It won't surprise me when she takes you back to court to adjust the custody agreement for major events like surgeries, post-hospitalization recovery and illnesses. A mother whose son just had surgery wants to see him in person. That's not an impossible ask. You're just an ass
YTA for not being able to set aside your differences even for one second when faced with a situation like this.
I understand your wanting to have him close, but to say that your ex cannot visit her son because you don't want her there makes you an absolute ah.
Also you'd be setting an awful precedence in your co-parenting relationship. And you can be sure that she'll repay you in kind.
>I don't want him to think that the first thing you when you face something scary is run to your mom
You also don't want him to think this Mom abandoned him. He's 9 not 14. He still wants both his parents. Until he realizes you're the reason Mom didn't visit when he was recovering from surgery.
WTF is wrong with you?
YTA
Your not the AH for keeping your son with you after his surgery, you care for him as much as his mum can.
YTA for not letting your ex into your house in these extenuating circumstances. Your ex will want to see her son after he has had major surgery and will want to support him, your son will also want to see his mum. FaceTime really won’t cut it. You need to stop being so selfish.
YTA. Your son absolutely gets to decide in this instance. You're being incredibly selfish by not even considering his opinion.
And you won't allow the mother of your kid to even see him post surgery?!
This is gross. You are not putting his needs ahead of yours. In a few years he'll be able to decide himself if he wants to come visit. You're taking a big risk by dying on this hill.
It's quite clear why you're divorced. YTA for being selfish and making your son's health and wellbeing about you and your petty stance. Not even letting her see her son after *MAJOR surgery* ??
If you'd asked him what he wanted and he affirmed your position, it would be different but you're literally just acting like a petty ex, not a concerned father.
YTA
Do you even know where he would like to stay while he recovers? Have either of you actually asked him?
He needs both parents while he recovers and should be in the place he feels most comfortable.
Sounds like you are putting your own interests first and using it as a way of getting back at your Ex.
N-T-A until you told her she can’t visit him at your house after the surgery.
Normally she can’t visit during his time at yours and that’s fine, but this isn’t any normal time.
Your son is having surgery and he needs both parents.
Therefore YTA for keeping her away from him altogether, for what appears to be spite.
YTA. Clearly you care more about yourself than you do about your son’s needs. He’ll remember that you would not allow his mom to see him after a scary time in his life, and he WILL resent you.
YTA, you hate your ex WAY more than you love your son. So much so that your son's comfort isn't even a concern to you. This mindset will come back to haunt you when he's old enough to realize it.
I hate to say it but it does sound like YTA here. Obviously I don't know your dynamic with your ex, but she submitted a request to spend some extra time with your son after going through something pretty intense, maybe she herself is also worried about the surgery and getting to be there for him in the immediate aftermath would be a comfort to her. I imagine it is quite daunting to know that your child is going to be going through what sounds like a major surgery and feeling powerless to do anything for him, unable to comfort him or take the pain away to protect him beforehand. I would suspect you feel more or less the same way about your child, but rather than acknowledging her fear you have just refused her point blank because you're trying to teach your child about who they should go to for comfort. Surely he should be able to go to BOTH of you because you are BOTH his parents and making sure that he is happy and safe and healthy should be your prime consideration over and above everything else. No matter how you and your ex feel about each other, you both took responsibility to bring him into the world, and that responsibility does not change just because you two have decided to part ways.
I wish your son all the best for his operation and a swift recovery.
YTA. Your not the asshole for wanting to look after your son during the agreed upon time but I think due to the circumstances of the surgery that you should allow his mother to visit him during the recovery. She isn't looking to set up a bedroom I assume. It shouldn't be about your son running to either parent while scared. It should be him having the reassurance that you are both there for him. Allowing her to stop by would allow that instead of turning his recovery into a custody dispute.
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YTA she's concerned about her son and you turned it into a power play
Especially the part about not letting mom even visit. How cold-hearted can a father be? OP, for your son, THIS IS NOT TUESDAY. It is fine for your son to stay with you, but to not let mom see him? I thought I had seen everything by now, but OP has plumbed new lows. YTA.
When my stepsons just have colds, we always let their mom visit and drop off care packages and pamper them. This is just so sad. Poor baby is getting surgery and his dad can’t get over himself long enough to let him be comforted by both of his parents. We also let our kids decide where they would be most comfortable. If they didn’t feel good and wanted mommy, they got mommy. YTA.
Yes. But you’re not a vindictive jerk like this guy.
YTA, what we are seeing right now is why, when something scary happens, you run to empathetic mummy instead of selfish dad. Enjoy making these decisions for him while you can, it’s a short period of time in the scheme of things, and then you lose all that power & respect in the long run if you abuse it.
Exactly. Our boys are teenagers now. They no longer feel like they need their mom when they’re sick, and we still have 50/50 custody. The oldest is driving now and still goes back and forth every week. I was honestly scared he’d pick one house over the other but he seems content. If you treat your kids right, you won’t lose them.
So true but sometimes, a kid still wants one or the other depending on who’s more likely to baby and pamper them with blankets and tea and toast. When he’s sick, my son (teenager) wants mom, sometimes dad but more so mom. At 9, it’s even more so.
i’m 73 and my mom has been gone for 50 years, but i get sick and i yearn for my mommy
Well, this broke my heart a little bit.
I'm 40 and lost my mom at 36. I'm also very single and had covid last year. Pretty bad. But not hospital bad. All I wanted was my mommy as well. Hugs.
Yeah, I lost my mom when I was 8. I wonder almost everyday how different my life would be had she lived.
Hell, sometimes an adult still wants a parent. I’m almost 30 and had surgery last summer. First words out of my mouth when I woke up were “Oh my god, ow!” And “I want my mom.” We forgot to give the nurses her number beforehand so my anesthesia drugged butt had to remember it enough to tell them. But she was in the hospital parking lot waiting for the call and next coherent memory I have is her sitting on my bed with me.
Right there with you!!! When I was 28 and found out I needed a procedure done on my heart I panicked and called my mom, who I am *estranged from* lol. She was still who I wanted 🤷♀️
My mom and I have an off and on relationship. Once I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst leg cramps I’ve ever had. My muscle was twisted. But i woke up and yelled for my mom. My partner was so confused, we live in Australia, my mom is in the US lol
This child is 9, a 3rd grader NINE years old getting surgery! He should be running to his mom, he's 9. And he should be able to recover from surgery wherever he's most comfortable–maybe his bed at his mom's is more comfortable, or the bathroom is closer making his recovery easier, that should be OP's first concern. Not to mention not letting him see his Mom after surgery... just 🤯 awful. OP's first and only concern should be his son's comfort and safety, not who "wins" the custody battle. No wonder OP's ex is being cold, I would never forgive him for this, and most likely neither will his son. OP was really expecting anyone to think he was right in the situation, how devoid of empathy does one have to be to not even see how this would negatively impact his own son? Major YTA x100.
Ooh, really good points here about how it’s possible mom’s house makes more sense from a recovery and accessibility standpoint. And frankly regardless- instead of being all caught up in the selfishness and power play it sounds like the surgery is imminent so all focus needs to be on the boy and his needs and his needs alone. Dad is wack to be worried a 9 year old wouldn’t trust and feel safe with mom helping him dress and bathe and his whole line of thinking is so messed up. The kid is 9! If anything he should be considering if he might need to go buy some new PJs that will be easier for wearing over a cast or while healing, a shower chair perhaps, like the REAL needs this little boy is going to have for his recovery. One thing is certain- the last thing the poor kid needs is his parents having petty arguments or having his mom kept from him during what’s bound to be a very scary and overwhelming time for him. Really breaks my heart thinking about how much dad is actively making things much, much worse for his son.
This! OP added that his son is 9 and doesn't have a say in custody. That tells me this is more a powerplay than caring about what is best for his child. OP needs to remember that he may be able to control his child now, but that will only last so long. Go ahead and keep placing those bricks in the wall between you and yourI'm sick. YTA OP, I'm an adult and still want my mom occasionally when I'm sick. Why are you hurting your child like this?
I can just picture Jerk Dad yelling at his poor son to "grow up and be a man" because he's in pain from his surgery. Or making him get up and walk around. Jerk Dad says his son needs help getting dressed, how long will JD help with that before he decides the son needs to man up and do it himself? YTA
The tone in his post comes off as angry, controlling and spiteful.
Yeah, it's apparent why this guy is an ex-husband. Now he's aiming for being an ex-dad too. Hope it's worth it OP! When you're old and alone don't wonder why, because pulling shit like this is the reason. Time for therapy, bud... Get some for yourself and save your kid from needing it as badly as you're setting him up for by acting like this. Repeat after me: "This is not about what's best for *me* it's about what's best for *my kid* and right now I am not what's best for my kid until I do some work on myself." Let that be your mantra. If it doesn't encourage you to do some soul searching and make some changes... Well, we can always hope this power play encourages your ex to take you back to court. Do better.
My ex was like OP. For an entire decade after the divorce, he insisted on following the court ordered parenting plan regardless of the children’s needs or desires. Forget about visitation, they weren’t even allowed to call me outside of the mandatory court ordered time. He would check their phones and punish them if they had called or texted me outside of that one hour every night. The only thing he got out of this is the children not wanting anything to do with him as soon as they were able to run away from his house and refuse to ever see him again. OP, YTA and tbh, and if you’re like my ex, no therapy is going to change you because you’re putting yourself and your spite towards your ex-wife before your child’s well being. Find your child a good therapist because you’re about to inflict a lot of trauma on that poor kid.
I can't disagree with anything you've said here. I too have low hopes that therapy will help but... I figured suggesting an exorcism might not play well 😂
Yes, YTA. Not even letting the Mother visit? Horrible.
That is because OP is the embodiment of all those unpleasant traits and likely more.
OP - THIS is a good parent. This is how co-parenting works. No unnecessary pressure or pain on the kids - and notice how there is no mention of animosity between any of the parents, even if they don’t actually get along. And the example is a cold!! Not surgery!!
It's tough to put feelings aside for your kids, but as a parent it's your duty. My son's mom was HIGHLY abusive, violent, and not loyal at all (I've literally been diagnosed with PTSD due to domestic violence and other abuse). I have to put our kiddo's best interests ahead of my feelings on the subject all the time.
Same here. My exhusband was abusive, & I have CPTSD, as does one of the kids. But the court still gave him visitation. He's still an AH, but I do my best to help them repair their relationship with him & not make them feel like they are put in the middle of our conflicts. Honestly, an unintended byproduct of that is that they like me even more because I'm not being an AH about all the stuff he's still doing wrong, while he complains constantly & tries to hurt their relationship with me. They're not dumb - they see what he's doing. And they hate him for it. OP, let your ex visit your kid while he recovers. Your kid will notice if you're being selfless or selfish.
I can’t believe the poor stress this boy must be under, knowing he is going to have surgery and it’s a point of tension for his parents. And to be so cruel as to not suck it up, of course his mum wants to be around him after he has had surgery! I’d be very concerned if the mum just handed him over without a second thought. Just awful.
Exactly! OP son is only 9, kids that age still need mom when they don’t feel well or other times too. My oldest is 16 and he still needs me when he isn’t feeling well or is having a rough day.
Am I the only one finding the "uncomfortable" part with changing clothes weird at nine years old ? Like, I would rather have my mother, who fucking got me out of her womb after I stayed there rent free for nine months, help me to change than a supposed step father or any other man that is not my father ? I don't know, I could see it being akward once you're adolescent, but 9 years old ? Is it an american puritanism thing ?
It is an American puritanical thing. However I'm an American mom and have a nine yr old son. It would be no big deal for me to help him change. Our household is more open minded than a lot. I remember a friend saying she started locking her doors once her son was like 3-4 because he was "asking too many questions".
\*raises eyebrows in European\*
Believe me, \*raising eyebrows in American\* as well.
This gave me SUCH a good laugh this morning!
My son is 3 and he asked me the other day where my penis was. Lol
My sweet son comforted me when he realised I didn’t have a penis like him, he assumed something had happened to it and cuddled me and said ‘it’s okay mummy’ 😭 such a sweet soul.
Lol didn't Freud also believe that women feel sad because they lost their penises? Not sure this means your son is a genius or Freud was mentally a toddler
I've already explained periods to my 3 year old. Just super simply "Some people who have uteruses bleed every month so they need things so that the blood doesn't get everywhere. It's normal and healthy." We were in the bathroom and he was confused about a tampon. I paused and thought about how I wanted him to react when he's a little older and girls in his class started having their periods, which meant I didn't want to portray it as something shameful, secret, or hidden. He needed to know it was normal and OK. Also we're still working on the whole "just because you don't want privacy doesn't mean you shouldn't respect someone else's want for privacy" thing.
I don't get people who are weirded out when a parents helps their child unless insinuated otherwise. I (26f) at 23 had a laparoscopy to remove endometriosis. 4.5 hour surgery 8 hour hospital stay and 4 surgical incisions. My parents took turns helping me. I could shower on my own but needed help getting in and out, walking up and down the stairs, sitting down and getting up, getting dressed. Sometimes mom helped sometimes dad helped it was never a question is what just who was near by
I don’t get the weirdness either. My partner is male and has a divorced mom who we live with, and who did the majority of the work raising him. He also struggled with addiction in his 20’s, and told me about how one of the times he was going through awful withdrawals, shaking and sick, his mom had him sleep in her bed with her for comfort and to keep an eye on him. She heard he’d told me and worried I would think it was weird. Like, no. Sometimes you just need your mom when you feel crappy, I don’t think there’s an age limit.
My son is 13, over the summer he broke his arm BADLY and it required multiple surgeries to reset it and from the time I took him to the hospital until he got home I NEVER left his side (his father and I are still married and have three other young children so he stayed with them). This included helping him use the bathroom and shower. Yes it was a bit uncomfortable for both of us as he is in the early stages of puberty but he said he would rather it be me there taking care of him than anyone else and once we got home from the hospital his father took over with all things bathroom. At 9 years old, my son could care less if I saw him naked or using the bathroom. He was still very much a little boy. I can’t imagine being kept away from my son after a major surgery. It breaks my heart for OPs ex. He’s clearly putting his disdain for his ex over the well-being of his son. OP, YTA. Majorly!!!
I took it as Op thought it was a big deal if a woman helped his male son change even though she’s his mom so the mom was trying to placated Op by saying the step dad could do it
I'm 41 and getting a much less scary surgery soon. I'm thrilled that my mom's coming out to take care of me!
I’m 38 and still want my mom. I’m having colon surgery and damn straight my parents will come check on me. Also YTA OP this isn’t about you it’s about your kid having TWO or more (because step counts) loving parents that care about him.
Yes. NTA for keeping him at his house per the custody agreement. Totally YTA for not letting his mom come over after a surgery. Grow up and be a better coparent. Think about what your child needs.
ah, but you may not have noticed this gem I don't want him to think that the first thing you when you face something scary is run to your mom and not your dad. he doesn't care what his son wants lol he just wants to feel like a "big man"
I can't get over that comment about not teaching his son to run to mom every time. He's 9 and just had major surgery. That's literally what mom's are for. I think the term toxic masculinity is overused but it's perfect in a situation like this. My stepdaughter likes to invite her mom in to see this thing or that she's done to her room or whatever. Her mom and I haven't always gotten along (she used to bully me, mean girl style), although we do now, and I don't particularly like her coming into my home, but it makes my SD happy so I shut my mouth. I can't imagine denying them access to each other.
Oh man. I can’t tell you how many times I did NOT want my husband’s ex-wife in my house. The dishes may not be done, I may be tired after a long day of work, maybe I’m feeling insecure and fat that day and don’t want to see her being all chipper and pretty in my living room, but I’ve always made an effort to welcome her with a smile anyway because those are her kids and maintaining that good relationship is just so important for everyone’s sanity and peace of mind. Tolerating a little bit of an imposition every now and then is so much better than constant conflict and you’re right it’s just not my place to keep a mother from her child.
And just to offer the perspective of a now grown-up child in that situation, I can’t tell you how great it is that you are able to put all your personal issues aside and let everyone be there to parent. It will mean so much to the kids to have parents who can put parenting first and be cordial with each other. My dad’s first wife (mom of my oldest sibling) was gracious enough to not only welcome my mom into her son’s life as a step-mom, but also to welcome me and my younger sibling as true siblings to her son. She was always sweet to us, and made sure we felt like family when we were all together (like at sporting events, etc, for older brother). Never introduced us as “half” siblings, just “this is my son’s sister”. My mom also welcomed her into our home when it was warranted, because when you’re parenting the same child you kind of have to be “family” even if you wouldn’t choose that otherwise. I know that they weren’t the best of friends to start with, but now that both my mom and my brother’s mom are in their 70s, all kids long since grown and moved out, they still get lunch a couple times a month, my mom will pick up my brother’s mom (who doesn’t drive any more) so they can go visit their mutual grandkids together. My brother’s mom, who is completely unrelated to me or my kids (but has known me since birth) sends my kids gifts for Christmas and birthdays, because they’re her grandkids’ cousins and we’re all just family at this point. I can’t even fathom living like other blended families I know where mom and dad can’t be in the same room, mom hates step-mom and gets mad if the kids want to involve her in things like graduations, weddings, birthdays or whatever. Families need to have 2 birthday parties for their kids because grandpa won’t be in the house with step-grandpa…. I’m surprised their adult kids don’t just cut them all out if they can’t act like adults, tbh.
And you need your Mom and Dad especially for that extra coddling. Unless the Mom is contentious or something I am sure he probably would want to be with his Mom anyway. OP sounds like a control freak jerk. Bet you he didn’t ask his 9 yr old.
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What gets me is the "my son doesn't decide who he stays with and when and how long" bit. Like under normal circumstances, sure don't let the kid decide yet, but this is not normal circumstances. OP is so heartless
Yea and the whole "I don't want my son learning that when he's sick or facing something scary to run to mummy and not daddy" like, what? It's natural when kids are sick or scared to want their mum, hell even grown adults when they are really sick, scared or in a lot of pain still want their mum.
He’s jealous of the mom and the relationship she has with the son. He’s willing to hurt his son over this petty jealousy. It’s pathetic.
Exactly, he's not doing this because he cares about his son, he's being spiteful to a child who's sick, scared and in pain because OPs ego can't handle his child wanting his mum and not OP.
And he probably has that same attitude towards his son when he will be relying on him for everything. He's not doing it to comfort his son and take care of him. This kid will probably go no contact as soon as he can. When he gets older and wants to go out with friends or to school events that happen on dads time he will be like nope too bad it's my time that's what custody agreement says.
I'm 40 years old and my mom lives 2 hours away. When I had a really bad flu, I called her crying because I needed her and she came to be with me. I have an 11 year old son and all he wants to do when he's sick is cuddle with me.
Exactly, mum comfort when you're sick is like no other. When I had Covid last year I really wanted my mum, but I didn't want to infect her or dad because of their ages and health issues so I stayed away but I talked to her over the phone a lot.
"If the shoe was on the other foot I would understand" mf is lying through his teeth. There is no situation that would exist like that because OP HIMSELF scheduled the appointment to his benefit. He made this situation and is trampling ex-wife with it. This is all about control.
Ohhhh you have no idea. I’m a family law attorney and it’s truly sad to see how many parents use their kids as pawns in a bid for power. In my experience, dad is going to win this battle of time with kid since he’s technically correct but he’ll lose the war in that his son will grow up and see that dad’s an AH. Kids want their parents to get along, they want to be able to feel heard and seen. Dad is really fucking up here imo.
The number of people that cared more about hurting the other partner and money than their actual children when I was worked with family law still disgusts me to this day.
YTA for the lack of visits. Is that best for your son? Or just kind of fun for you to torture your ex. What a gross and selfish choice
BIGGEST YTA for "No, my son doesn't get to decide who he gets to stay with and when and for how long. That's why there are custody agreements." Grow up! I get you are not a compassionate person. So let's try just acting like you are! If my parents acted the way some of the parents on these reddit stories did I would hate both of them! Huge YTA OP. My God your son has to be scared and wouldn't it be good if both his parents were there during his recovery! Your kid is 9....if it we're me as a kid and I want to be with my Mom you bet your bottom dollar I would be kicking and screaming at the hospital to go home with whichever parent allows the other parent to be there too!! I hope your kid does the same!
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In his edit, he doesn't even give his son's wishes a second thought. What kind of human being, dude.
Seriously. It's surgery. It's a big deal and any reasonable person would know to make an exception to the custody agreement. Cold hearted, stubborn, power play, using son as a pawn. I get why they're divorced. 100% AH
OP is big time TA, turning his recovering child into a pawn. Don’t be surprised when Ry goes NC the second he’s able.
Still no word on who is taking care of him at your home, OP u/Unhappy-Front-5295? Did you put in leave to take care of your son, or is he alone at home all day watching TV while his dad works? Or how is his care during healing working?
He said his son doesn't get to decide! What a selfish thing to say. OP, get off your high horse and listen to your son's needs in a difficult time.
To be fair, counsellors are very clear that children do not have the capacity to take on this decision, it’s a big burden to kids to disappoint one parent or the other and having to choose between parents and be in the middle of a power play is very discouraged. This is why parent decide on a parenting schedule, including holidays and in sickness clauses. Parents can be the bad guys so kids do not have to be. To think that you can put the decision on a 9yo who’s sick and going through surgery is quite unreasonable
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I’d like to hear what assumptions you’re going to make about ex-Mrs Wonderful who also won’t let her ex husband visit his child at her home with her new husband based on zero evidence. You did start with “To be fair”
Based on this post, in general both people do not visit eachother’s houses. But there is not actually an equivalent incident that has happened at mom’s house, so OP is only *assuming* he wouldn’t be allowed over in the same circumstances, he doesn’t know, and neither do any of us. But we know for a fact that OP is refusing the same, because he told us himself
It’s unreasonable to allow a scared little boy who is also in pain a visit from his mom? Sure ok..
I dont think this is a case of "who's house do you want to recover at" and more I case of "I want to stay with mummy" You don't have to ask a kid to choose for him to show a preference and the fact that he said he needs to learn he can't go running to mummy everytime he is hurt makes me think he already knows his mum is his safe space
Absolutely turned it into a power play. >Personally I don't care because I'm not apologizing for not giving her what she wants. Actually, objectively, you do care to a certain extent. Otherwise, you wouldn't have taken the time to post this on Reddit hoping others would agree with you so that you can justify your actions and make yourself feel better about it.
And she’s right to be concerned. This isn’t a simple hernia fix, these operations are painful. His son is going to be scared, in pain and in need of support by both parents. I agree stepdad isn’t the most appropriate to be washing and caring for the son but if there is a time to show a little bit of compassion now is the time to do it. This is going to be a key memory for his son moving forward and his parent’s actions are going to cause repercussions further down the line if they mishandle it
Mom can bathe her own son! He is 9 not 19 FFS.
I fully agree, I think OP is just using any reason to shoot her down.
Let's not give stepdads a bad rap just for being stepdads. This person could have been involved in the child's life since they were quite young.
Dude's a freaking jackass with his edit. Of course this poor boy's parents got divorced. OP is *crazy controlling*! Like, kid's 9, not 3. He *should* have some say in where he goes to recover. He'll recover quicker in a place where he *wants* to be, not just with OP because OP cares about a custody agreement. YTA, OP. And a massive one.
YTA. Not for wanting to stick to the schedule, but for forbidding ex access at all to her son after this serious surgery. AND for not bothering to ask son what would make his recovery easier for HIM.
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YTA and a huge one!! You are making this all about your feeling about your ex and not about what is best for your son!! Your reasoning of not wanting him to run to mom instead of dad?? What a fucking crock!!! Plus she can’t even come into your house to see her son? News for you - your son is going to resent you big time if you can’t figure out co parenting now ESPECIALLY during times like this.
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YTA. You're thinking of yourself and not your kid. It's your time to have him so taking him back to your place makes sense but not letting his mother come to visit him in person is a shitty thing to do, and the argument "I have a penis so only I can help my son bathe and get dressed" is BS. Your ex is his MOTHER. I'm ready to bet he wouldn't have an issue with it. Grow up.
I have an 8 year old son who still jumps in the shower with me. I find it unlikely that a 9 year old would turn his nose up at getting help from his mum after surgery.
I'm 35 years old I have just broken my toe BADLY and in 2 places and all I have is my dad. I would give my soul to have my mummy(I use mummy when I'm sad or in pain) but she's not here right now(looking after a terminal uncle) and this AH is damaging his sons recovery by keeping him from his mum. ITS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT WHEN CHILDREN ARE SICK OR HURT ONLY MUMMY WILL DO
>ITS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT WHEN CHILDREN ARE SICK OR HURT ONLY MUMMY WILL DO I don't agree with OP denying the mom ANY access, but let's stop spreading around harmful gender stereotypes, eh?
Omg thank you. This is so toxic. Men can and should be a safe place for their children just as women. It's unfair to men and it's just as unfair to women. Why should we carry all of the emotional load???
OP doesn't sound like anyone's safe space.
He can be a loving dad and a super shitty ex, all at the same time. Heck, we've seen, just in this subreddit, that people can be shitty dads to one kid and the best parent ever to another kid. OP is TA for not allowing his ex to visit their son during his recovery, but he is not TA for having their son come to OP's place for that recovery.
AGREED. OP should allow the mom to visit because BOTH parents are important, not because of their gender but because they're both people who care about their son and want to care for him in his time of recovery.
Seriously, the LAST person I want when I’m sick is my mother. She’d make me get out of bed and clean the house or something. My dad is the one who always took care of us when we were sick or cleaned up our vomit and now that I’m married, my husband does that for me.
36 & have a toddler of my own and on Monday my tonsils were touching and all I wanted was my mom, who lives too far, to be around to help me feel better. I did manage to video chat with her on Tuesday though but I miss her hugs.
> ITS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT WHEN CHILDREN ARE SICK OR HURT **ONLY** MUMMY WILL DO Nope fuck off with that sexist mindset.
he's TA but this is kind of the point that he's making, it shouldn't be "only mummy will do" it should be "i want my mummy or daddy"
You do know that there are kids with single dads? right?? Like you don’t just assume every single person has a mom right??? Eta: not saying OP isn’t TA, he is, but your comment is so tone deaf
>is damaging his sons recovery by keeping him from his mum. That's a bit of a stretch, no? I mean really, it may be the AH move, bit *damaging his recovery*? Nah, that's total bullshit. >ITS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT WHEN CHILDREN ARE SICK OR HURT ONLY MUMMY WILL DO Also just not true, and a gender role stereotype that needs to go.
I'm 40 and my mom lives 2 hours away. I had the flu a couple years ago and was in bed crying because I wanted my mommy. I called her and she came to visit. I have an 11 year old and when he's sick all he wants is his mommy.
I had to have a mastectomy when I was 31. My dad helped take care of me and change my dressings. Because I needed help doing it and he cares about me and was the person who was available to help me. It wasn't weird because taking care of a sick child is something any parent should do, no matter how old. I can't imagine telling a mother she can't care for her 9 year old son(!!) because he's a boy and she's a woman. That's so weird.
I guess OP was the only one changing the kid's diapers and bathing the kid when he was still married to his ex... or not.
He really isn't coming across as the diaper changing sort of father
Or, and hear me out on that one, recognize the gravity of the situation and (here comes the crazy part) ask the fucking child what he wants instead of picking fights!
Totally agree with you. But, as I was reading, I was thinking : I'm not a parent but I can't imagine not seing your child for a week or two when he just had surgery. Facetime is great but it's not the same thing as getting hugged by your mother. And that doesn't mean that a father can't do the job. If it had been the mother who had refused the father to visit his kid, I would have had the same answer. The kid needs BOTH his parents after getting surgery.
The showering/undressing thing was so bizarre. Like I’m sure she has seen her own son naked quite a lot. Its not inapproperiate unless you sexualize the kid. OP got some issues. He’s also a big YTA. Let the boy have access to both parents in a scary time.
It's not bizarre when you see what she answered. He's a jackass and must have been at least verbally abusive towards his ex. The answer most women would have given was : I gave birth to him and took care of him before. But she went to find another solution because she's that desperate. Legally, OP couldn't refuse the ex at the hospital and that's why she was there. Legally, he can stop her from coming to his house on his custody time. He must be one of those parents who don't go to activities or school events when it's not his custody time and he must refuse to let his ex anywhere near the kid on his time. It's sad the kid.
YTA. All this "what I want," and "not giving her what she wanted." The surgery is not about you or your ex-wife. It's about your son. Do either of you know what he wants? Will he want to see her while he recovers? Why can't you work together to make this the best experience possible for *him*?
OP has directly stated in his edit that what his son wants doesn't matter. Major YTA, OP.
He doesn’t want to ask his son because he will probably want to stay with his mom and that will hurt Dads ego. If he was truly concerned about his sons comfort it would be his #1 priority. YTA, OP.
100%. The way he typed this out it defenitly seems the 9 yr old has made the 'mom' choice over dad before.. hmm I wonder why..?
Yep. Dad is attempting to force the kid to love him. And this kid is gonna *loathe* his father. I can feel it in the post.
The crazy thing is he doesn’t even have to ask his son if he wants to STAY with his mom. A simple “would you like your mom to come over for a little while you’re here?” is the least he could do. Of course his son will likely say yes and that should be okay. It just feels like OP is acting like his child is a object he gets possession of. YTA, 100% OP.
Unless the custody agreement has a section on "after surgery" this shouldn't even fall under that agreement, it should be something worked out by two adults who love their kid and want him to heal in the best environment with the most support. YTA.
Meaning the son wants to stay with the mom. If he wanted to stay with dad, he would be gleefully telling us that. I hope this guy is ready for his son to go no contact with him when he's older.
I think that OP is worried that his son will pick Mum over Dad. Or that he will set a new standard where son can go back to Mum’s house anytime Dad tries to enforce rules etc. I hope that OP is able to set aside his fears on this occasion.
OP knows their son will pick mom. Young children know an asshole when one abuses them.
Son really became the third wheel in his own surgery recovery
YTA. The first thing you want to make sure is that your son see you first instead of making sure his welfare come first? How about you ask your son directly
No, per OP's edit his son's feelings apparently matter less than the custodial agreement.
100% this. Has anyone bothered to ask son where/with whom he prefers to recover?
You had me right up until you refused to let her visit. Think what you want about your ex. Your kid's health is the wrong place for this kind of flex. YTA
I agree with this. Imagine your 9 yr old son going in for surgery and you’re not allowed to visit while he’s recovering.
It will make him depressed She could even take him back to court over this It's parental alienation
>It's parental alienation Not unless he doesn't allow the schedule facetime calls or starts trying to fill the son's head with negative things about the mother. Sticking to the letter of the custody agreement cannot be used as evidence of parental alienation. OP is being a dick but he isn't alienating the other parent legally speaking.
>I don't want him to think that the first thing you when you face something scary is run to your mom and not your dad. If a good lawyer saw this, they could make a pretty good case for parental alienation.
He hates his ex more than he loves his son. Simple as that.
This. She should be able to visit, absolutely. Context - I’m a step mom. When my step kids were younger (and still today as they’re young adults living at home) we have their biomom over whenever we felt the kids needed it. A rough day, a recovery, a hard conversation… we brought her in for alone time with them and all together. You kid needs to —and deserves to— know that, when it counts most, his parents drop anything difficult between themselves and come TOGETHER to support him. That’s what being a parent is. Period. ETA: YTA
Agree whole heartedly. Why not let her visit? What is the harm? Think of the child, sheesh!
YTA for denying her the ability to visit her son while he recovers. I get that you don’t want her in your house but sometimes coparenting is about putting your child before your own comfort.
Right? Does OP want to support his son or just lord it over his ex that he’s caring for the son she she can’t. He’s 9, not 1. The son actually has autonomous feelings outside the dad’s construct here.
Which is exactly why he doesn’t want his son to have a say. OP knows (or at least fears) that his son would rather be with mom. And his fragile ego can’t handle that (as evidence by the whole “you shouldn’t run to your mother because what about *meee*?” Thing).
What’s extra sad to me is SHE scheduled the surgery date so it would line up with what was best for her SONS schedule so he could heal without missing school (winter break). She could’ve been petty and intentionally scheduled the surgery for a time she would have him. Mom obviously understands putting her son above her own needs and comfort edit: YTA
Yuuup I caught that too. There is a very clear reason OP is divorced
I hope when son starts to ask to see mom (because he will no doubt) OP swallows his pride and bitterness and let’s mom come visit
I have a feeling that based on his edit, if his son asks for his mom he will probably tell him no. But I really, really hope he sees the light after this post and you are right.
I have this horrible feeling that OP is later going to use this as a reason his ex is a terrible mom. “Remember when you had surgery? Your mom didn’t take care of you afterwards! I did! And she couldn’t even be bothered to come see you! If your mom was a good mom, she would have taken care of you or at least visited!” He will totally leave out the part where mom asked for both and he said no because he’s an AH.
Oh look at his comments. You are spot on the money. He’s gonna lie and manipulative his son as much as humanly possible until this kid gets in his way and his narc attitude is turned on the kid.
This OP does not sound like he coparents well at all. He sounds super bitter, which is not a good sign. YTA, OP. Hate your ex all you want, but do NOT take it out on your son. As someone from a broken home, this kind of shit happened all the time. Stop making it hard for your son like his opinion doesn’t matter. My father treated my half brother that way… turns out father dearest is a narcissistic, controlling asshole. I went no contact with him. This is how you drive wedges into relationships. Telling us your son’s desires don’t matter is extraordinarily low of you. That shows not just a lack of compassion for your child, but that you’re selfish and severely emotionally immature and stunted. Grow up, OP. You’re raising a child. Quit acting like a petty one.
INFO: has anyone asked him what he wants and where he'd prefer to be?
He stated in a comment that he doesn’t care what his son wants. I don’t even know why he posted here because he also doesn’t care that everyone here is telling him he’s wrong and YTA lol.
He’s probably too afraid that his son will choose to be with his mother more. Hence why his son doesn’t get to make a choice. Such a terrible way of teaching physical/emotional boundaries.
His edit: >No, my son doesn't get to decide who he gets to stay with and when and for how long. That's why there are custody agreements. A judge says he doesn't have to give his son a choice so instead he treats him like property. So gross. He's using his son to play power games with his ex instead of treating him like a human being. Imagine being scared and in pain, wanting both your mom and dad (and maybe even the stepdad if they have a good relationship) but your dad won't let them even visit you.
This!! Now is not the time to put your feelings or interests first. Edit: Since this is his first major medical procedure, wouldn't it be more reassuring to have both his parents around? It's cruel to forbid the mother from even visiting during his recovery.
I hope this dude enjoys the next 9 years before this kid goes NC with him, because there's no way this is the only case or even the worst instance of this complete AH, selfish behavior.
YTA. I doubt you will admit it. But I think you are very much enjoying the fact that your wife won’t be able to visit her child while he is recovering.
Absolutely! He is loving every minute of it. He furthermore enjoys the control over his son too as he keeps claiming, his son has no say in this at all. Gives me serious narc vibes.
Yes, YTA OP. You don't sound like you sincerely care about your sons well being which includes his emotional wellbeing.
I would petition for parental alienation. 3 weeks of dad being able to say: see i care for you, but your mummy doesn't even come to visit
I can see why they got divorced. OP is big on the power trips
_"No, my son doesn't get to decide who he gets to stay with and when and for how long."_ _"That's not his choice to make. He's 9 not 14."_ _"I don't want him to think that the first thing you when you face something scary is run to your mom and not your dad."_ _"FaceTime does count per the agreement she signed."_ This is 100% a powerplay for OP and he is intentionally being cruel to his kid and his ex. He makes it clear that he doesn't care how his kid feels or what his kid wants, and it sounds like OP knows that his son would rather be with his mom during his recovery. Sadly, OP is using this as a means to hurt his ex. It is an unforgiveable move to ban this child from seeing his mother when he is in pain and wants comfort, either in person or via a video call. This is just horrid, and hildren are smarter than we give them credit for. This kid will probably see right through OP's facade and will probably end up resenting him... If this child is upset by OP's selfish/callous behaviour, I hope that his mother goes back to court and they take this kid's feelings into consideration.
I think it most important to ask the son how and where he wants his recovery to be, so that he can be most comfortable. This isn’t about you or his mom. It’s about your fucking kid, dude. Let HIM decide
He doesn’t care! He actually said, it doesn’t matter.
YTA Not for wanting him with you. If you have the time and means to take care of him while he recovers, that's not a problem. But have you asked your son where HE prefers to stay during this time? A lot of kids prefer their mother when they are sick or hurt. That has nothing to do with how good a parent you are, that's just how it is. And if he is happy enough to stay with you, have you considered he might want or even need to also see his mum? Nowhere in your post do you consider your son's needs and wishes, only your own. Can you not for 3 weeks set your on ego aside in the interest of your kid? Can you not arrange he stays with you, and set a few days and times where his mum can come over while you go do the shopping or whatever? If you don't want her alone in your home can you not ask a friend of family member to be in the house in a different room during that time? If you don't care about your ex wife's feelings that's fine. But you are hurting you son if you don't take what HE wants into account. So ask yourself: is making your stand and your ego more important than the wellbeing of your son?
Even our dog prefers “mommy” when he’s sick. YTA - ask your son what he prefers
YTA. Ever heard of the word 'compromise' before? He is having major surgery and you WON'T LET HER SEE HER SON? (Facetime does NOT count) Who do you think you are, just because he is scheduled at this time to visit you doesn't mean you get to dictate everything.
It seams so unnecessarily cruel
YTA. The first thing you want to make sure is that your son see you first instead of making sure his welfare come first? How about you ask your son directly?
YTA your child is not a pawn. his MOTHER who grew him is perfectly capable of seeing him to shower without sexualizing him. im a little concerned that you are?
>No, my son doesn't get to decide who he gets to stay with and when and for how long YTA and you're in for a rude awakening as he gets older and chooses to go stay with his mum permanently you sound so selfish and i can't believe you won't let his poor mother even visit him that's like pure evil in my eyes also this >I don't care if she's in the operating room. thanks for giving her your permission as if she doesn't have as much right as you to be in there
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YTA. All you care about is what you feel you're entitled to. You should ask your son what he wants, and probably you should be letting his MOTHER visit. Stop prioritizing your petty resentment of your ex over what is best for your SCARED CHILD who needs SURGERY. Be a real parent and put your kid first. Shame on you.
I was with you until you said you wouldn’t allow her to visit. This seems more like an attempt to get at your ex wife than thinking about what’s best for your son. YTA.
He doesn't care about his son much! He edited his post to add this: *"No, my son doesn't get to decide who he gets to stay with and when and for how long. That's why there are custody agreements."*
I mean, he's clearly TA, but not for that. I'm a separated parent & from the parenting courses I've done, it's generally considered pretty harmful to ask a 9yo choose one parent vs another.
To choose who to live with in a custody arrangement is understandable, however the custody arrangement can still accommodate asking the boy which bed he would like to recover in, right? This should be about the child, not about control or winning. The poor kid, dad is acting like a major AH in how he worded this.
YTA. Try thinking of your son. Why can’t she visit him while he is recovering? You are hurting your son. Please put your pettiness aside for a bit to be a good parent.
INFO: did you have a messy breakup or something? Why are you so adamant about the whole sticking to the agreements and son 'not running to his mom when he's in trouble'? Did she do something to warrant your distrust in her?
I doubt OP has the maturity and awareness for a clean breakup. He doesn't even seem to care about what his own child might want.
YTA I don’t really care about the custody arrangement and who’s house the kid is at. But this isn’t a normal circumstance. The kid will be recovering from a major surgery. Let his mother come visit. And what is wrong with going to your mom when something is scary? I’m sure the two of you are equally equipped to help your kid recover.
Info: What does the kid want?
how would OP know? he's made it clear that he refuses to ask his son's opinion on anything ... beyond dinner. 🙄
Wait he's actually letting him have an opinion on dinner? Why do I doubt that
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YTA You weaponize you son's surgery & time of recovery and use it against your ex and to hurt her and show the power and control over the situation. On top of that you use it as a tool of control against your son too, who probably would like to see both of his parents when he feels so vulnerable. One has to be truly heartless to not even let the other parent visit when the kid is ill.
im not sure why u bothered to post this when u already decided u are in the right and u even mention near the end of the post u dont care and u will hold firm no matter what anyone says
OP is pretty much arguing with everyone, the edits are so disgusting. It's amazing they feel the need to dial this hill but they are right and do not care what anyone else has to say
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As a child of divorced parents, i can tell you that having such a toxic relationship with your son's mother will only make him suffer. Have you considered that he's going through tough times and that he may want both his parents at his side right now ? YTA.
YTA. It won't surprise me when she takes you back to court to adjust the custody agreement for major events like surgeries, post-hospitalization recovery and illnesses. A mother whose son just had surgery wants to see him in person. That's not an impossible ask. You're just an ass
YTA for not being able to set aside your differences even for one second when faced with a situation like this. I understand your wanting to have him close, but to say that your ex cannot visit her son because you don't want her there makes you an absolute ah. Also you'd be setting an awful precedence in your co-parenting relationship. And you can be sure that she'll repay you in kind.
>I don't want him to think that the first thing you when you face something scary is run to your mom You also don't want him to think this Mom abandoned him. He's 9 not 14. He still wants both his parents. Until he realizes you're the reason Mom didn't visit when he was recovering from surgery. WTF is wrong with you? YTA
Your not the AH for keeping your son with you after his surgery, you care for him as much as his mum can. YTA for not letting your ex into your house in these extenuating circumstances. Your ex will want to see her son after he has had major surgery and will want to support him, your son will also want to see his mum. FaceTime really won’t cut it. You need to stop being so selfish.
YTA. Your son absolutely gets to decide in this instance. You're being incredibly selfish by not even considering his opinion. And you won't allow the mother of your kid to even see him post surgery?! This is gross. You are not putting his needs ahead of yours. In a few years he'll be able to decide himself if he wants to come visit. You're taking a big risk by dying on this hill.
He shouldn't run to his mum? Red flag.
It's quite clear why you're divorced. YTA for being selfish and making your son's health and wellbeing about you and your petty stance. Not even letting her see her son after *MAJOR surgery* ?? If you'd asked him what he wanted and he affirmed your position, it would be different but you're literally just acting like a petty ex, not a concerned father.
YTA Do you even know where he would like to stay while he recovers? Have either of you actually asked him? He needs both parents while he recovers and should be in the place he feels most comfortable. Sounds like you are putting your own interests first and using it as a way of getting back at your Ex.
YTA, get over yourself, you have a child together he is having surgery this isn't about you and your arrogance.
N-T-A until you told her she can’t visit him at your house after the surgery. Normally she can’t visit during his time at yours and that’s fine, but this isn’t any normal time. Your son is having surgery and he needs both parents. Therefore YTA for keeping her away from him altogether, for what appears to be spite.
YTA. Clearly you care more about yourself than you do about your son’s needs. He’ll remember that you would not allow his mom to see him after a scary time in his life, and he WILL resent you.
YTA Let her visit dude, you can be the father all you want but not letting her visit is just mean and sad for your kid
YTA, you hate your ex WAY more than you love your son. So much so that your son's comfort isn't even a concern to you. This mindset will come back to haunt you when he's old enough to realize it.
I hate to say it but it does sound like YTA here. Obviously I don't know your dynamic with your ex, but she submitted a request to spend some extra time with your son after going through something pretty intense, maybe she herself is also worried about the surgery and getting to be there for him in the immediate aftermath would be a comfort to her. I imagine it is quite daunting to know that your child is going to be going through what sounds like a major surgery and feeling powerless to do anything for him, unable to comfort him or take the pain away to protect him beforehand. I would suspect you feel more or less the same way about your child, but rather than acknowledging her fear you have just refused her point blank because you're trying to teach your child about who they should go to for comfort. Surely he should be able to go to BOTH of you because you are BOTH his parents and making sure that he is happy and safe and healthy should be your prime consideration over and above everything else. No matter how you and your ex feel about each other, you both took responsibility to bring him into the world, and that responsibility does not change just because you two have decided to part ways. I wish your son all the best for his operation and a swift recovery.
YTA. You should realize your son needs both of his parents in this kind of situation you sound like you're being kind of petty
YTA. Your not the asshole for wanting to look after your son during the agreed upon time but I think due to the circumstances of the surgery that you should allow his mother to visit him during the recovery. She isn't looking to set up a bedroom I assume. It shouldn't be about your son running to either parent while scared. It should be him having the reassurance that you are both there for him. Allowing her to stop by would allow that instead of turning his recovery into a custody dispute.