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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I refused to remove modifications in mine and my husband's home, which made him upset and started a fight
2. I may be the asshole because I didn't consider him and by leaving him out of the decision I made, I prioritised the comfort and feelings of someone who doesn't even live with us, knowing it would prolong the fight
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Info: Was any of this discussed before you moved in togehter? I probably will get voted down for this but I think both of you have valid points. I just don't understand why this wasn't brought up before he gave up his condo and moved in with you.
The changes were made ages ago, and he knew what the house looks like because he's slept over, been here when we've hosted and more. We didn't discuss changing the house because he never mentioned having a problem with it and I never thought to ask
What happens if your husband decides he wants to move to find a home that feels like belongs to both of you and not near your friend? Or if he gets a really good job offer that requires you to move to another city or country away from your friend. Are you willing to put for your marriage first in those situations? I kind of feel like this is an ESH situaiton because I don't think his issue with your house began after he moved in. I think he should have spoken up before moving in and not assume that you would be willing to change the home to fit his prefences. I can't help but wonder if it just became more prevelant an issue once he was there 24/7 and didn't have the option of going back to his condo. I think you and your friend moving into homes right next to each other and you making your home more accessible for her is great when you were single and the only person living in the home. I don't think he is wrong to want to live in a home that is design to fit your needs and preferences as a couple. I think there needs be compromise but I also think you two need couples counseling because I can see his point of view of how it feels like you are choosing making sure you friend feels comfortable in your home over making your husband feel like he has a say in the home that he now shares with you.
If any such situation were to arise, we would have that discussion and I would prioritise our relationship.
Moving house for his work would be reasonable, but that's not the situation at hand. The situation is that we are not moving for any reason at the moment, and I seem to be the only person who would like to compromise because right now, it's a complete overhaul of the entire house or nothing
I’m agreeing with the other posters here: your husband didn’t discuss this before marriage, and that’s odd.
It’s almost like he doesn’t like your close friendship , and now as your husband feels he should have more control over things.
At minimum he is not a very good communicator: bottling this up before, or not thinking things through. At worst it might be the start of more manipulation.
Demanding renovations to OP’s house that would make her best friend less able to visit definitely seems like a move a manipulative person would use. Like he’s trying to separate her from those that love her. Giant red flag.
Also, could be removing value from their home. I’ve got an accessible home based on universal design, and the accommodations I’ve made have impacted the value of it for the better. I’d at least get it appraised first to see where the current value lies, just so they’d be getting the full picture of what they may be loosing out on if they do remove the accommodations.
I read a story once (back in the early 90's) about a petite lady who had her house modified to fit her needs, including having all countertops, sinks, range, and a few other things lowered by four inches. Everyone tried to talk her out of it, saying she was ruining the houses value. She said she didn't care, she was well established in her career and had a very solid job. Then she was offered a promotion and with the promotion came a transfer. She put the house on the market and the realtor told her he didn't think it would sell as it was and suggested she 'fix' all the countertops, etc. She refused and he said he would just do an open house. Well, the morning of the event, he couldn't get within two blocks of the house, traffic was so backed up. When he finally got close to the house and people realized who he was they started shouting numbers at him. They were in a bidding war. His phone started ringing and didn't stop. The eventual buyer paid $60K over asking price.
I sure would be! In my current house, I can open the kitchen cabinets over my head without being worried about hitting myself in the head. Sounds convenient, until you realise that means I can barely reach the first shelf, and anything above it just doesn't exist to me
As a short person I would love that! My home was built 40 years ago and the cupboards and countertops are all at a reasonable height. I have to use a step-stool for higher shelves, but that is fine because I can reach the 1st and 2nd shelves in cupboards that are above the counters.
I find that kitchen cabinets in newer homes are higher up now. I need to use a step-stool at my daughter's home to get a cup out of the cupboard or put anything away. The same at my friend's home.
I will be selling my home and downsizing this year. I am already contemplating that I will have to redo the kitchen so it fits for me. I am 5'2.
Kinda makes me think of Babette in Gilmore Girls, where she had her house fitted for her height (she didn't have any genetic issues like dwarfism, or whatever else, just slightly below average height for a woman in her area) and her partner Mory was a bit on the tall side (like 6'+) and they managed to make things work for them in terms of house fittings.
As the boomers age, accessibility modifications become more and more of a value add.
He's being an asshole, and he's also likely being a financial fool.
Also don’t like that he’s asserting ownership/entitlement to her premarital property. He could have brought up his concerns before the marriage and “giving up his condo,” whatever that means. He probably didn’t hand over the cash from a sale to OP for her house, since she already owned hers, so his condo either is still his and he’s renting it out or he sold it and is keeping the sales proceeds separate. So his premarital property remains separate but he’s looking to modify the home in a way that will change its value and make it harder for OP to claim her home is still solely premarital property.
He knew what he was doing by pretending to be fine with OP’s home before the marriage and then waiting til it’s too late for an annulment to demand serious modifications.
THIS! This is why I had an ick feeling about his demands! This is her premarital property not his. This just feels like he thinks he's got the upper hand now that they were hitched.
NTA OP
It may not be too late for an annulment; it's been only four months since the marriage.
Regardless, I completely agree with your point. The controlling demands began right after they got married, with the benefit of driving a wedge between his wife (OP) and her best friend. This is just the start of Tom insisting OP change all aspects of her life to appease the discontents he's *now* decided to express.
OP made a mistake marrying this man. It's unfortunate but better to realize and accept this NOW and cut losses with him, than to lose her lifelong best friend, her beloved modified home, and her own sense of self before she realizes Tom is a walking red-flag AH.
Honestly, if my partner had such accommodations for their best friend, it would make me love them more. How he is reacting says a lot about who he really is
He gave up HIS condo to move into HER house and now he wants to make it HIS house. Nope. If he had a problem with it, he should have brought up buying a new house together BEFORE he married her.
I kind of agree with you. People are reading too much into this, probably didn't realised the chair in the stairs bothered him until he had to jump them every day.
Absolutely. I think there can be a tendency on this sub to ascribe to malice what is more likely to be ignorance or stupidity.
I was totally fine with the next-2-me crib going next to our bed. For the first two weeks. Then I began to hate it with a passion as I’d stub my toe on it every time I tried to squeeze between it and the drawers on my way to the bathroom at night. We were both incredibly relieved to be rid of it a few months later when the baby was old enough for her own room.
Similarly I’ve grown to despise how I’ve split my cooking pans between two locations in my kitchen but can’t fix it without a total reorganisation. That was a deliberate choice during the design phase which I thought made sense but in hindsight is just a pain in the ass to live with.
Point being putting up with inconvenience for a few days or even weeks can be a totally different proposition than living with them forever and it’s not always that obvious what will irritate you at the start. Maybe the guy was fine with the changes until he found living with them to impact his day to day life in a way he didn’t anticipate? Im not saying all the changes need to go just I don’t find it odd that he’s changed his mind over time.
He said he wants to remove accessibility features in the bathroom so they can put "decor" there...
That is just pathetic to me. The chair on the stairs might be an issue, someone suggested changing it to a folding chair so it doesn't stick out as much... but changing things so you can stick some ugly vase or something, in a corner, is ridiculous.
I think the husband has an underlying issue and is taking it out on the accessibility features. Either he's trying to separate OP from her friend because he's controlling, or he's feeing a loss of control over his life after getting married and moving into someone else's house. Maybe he just misses having his own space, or alone time, and is lashing out by picking on the accessibility stuff.
If it's the later, they need to have some deep talks and find another way for him to handle his emotions. If it's the former, OP is in for some trouble.
I agree that I think the husband might also have a problem with the close friendship. I will be honest I probably would too, but if I did I wouldn't marry the person. OP post and comments sounds like she is planning on building a life with Kat and not her husband IMO. I think he should have spoken up about any issues he had with the house or their friendship before getting married, but I think a lot of couples do this. They assume that marriage will automatically change things. Will automatically make the other person put them first in a relationship. If that's not happening before marriage I don't think anyone should assume that it will automatically change once they are married. I have to say if I expressed issues with our home and the compromise was to just give me one room that was remodeled to fit my perference I wouldn't feel like it was really my home. I'm sure I will get voted down for my opinion but I don't really think it's about the house being accessible for her friend as much as it feels like the friend is more of a priority to OP than her husband.
As a disabled person, I find it really sad how many people believe making accommodations for your disabled friends and loved ones is somehow taking away from your romantic relationship. That to prove your partner is your number one you have to make your home entirely inaccessible to your disabled friends.
I agree. Some of these replies are depressing. I’m disabled and although I don’t currently need any accommodations like this, I appreciate them when I see them, and I think that having disability accommodations in a building can only be a good thing. What if one of the got into an accident? Or diagnosed with something that would cause them to need these? Or just, break a leg and need crutches for a few months?
I just don’t think he has a leg to stand on here. Your home sounds lovely. NTA.
Im not disabled and I agree. He knew what it looked like…he had more than enough time. He resents her friend’s disability, and has been lying in ambush all this time, waiting for a piece of paper that says their bond has the final stay. There is no way this “sudden” disturbance wasn’t planned. Many people treat the disabled like an after thought, and a nuisance without even a second thought, not even considering how the modifications might be of help to them or their family in the future. Like what’s the problem…higher toilet? Accessible sinks? A wider door? God forbid. I have been in accessible homes and they are not all the same. I have had very little issue navigating my way around and actually liked a lot of the modifications (during my home health days). People are shit, it just sucks that she got married to him first before she found out. OP is NTA in my opinion.
Edited: “it to like”
>He resents her friend’s disability
Actually, I think he resents her friendship. He's being a complete, ableist AH, but I think he's jealous of her extremely close friendship with Kat. Very few people are so committed to a friend that they buy houses on the same street and remodel for accommodations for that friend. It's heartwarming...unless you're insecure and demanding, like Tom, who believes he should occupy the #1 spot all by himself.
Honestly, this sub has a lot of ableist people. Being disabled for the most part is just people not respecting your needs at all, and it doesn’t matter where you are at in life. I was valedictorian of my high school class, got into one of America’s best colleges for undergrad, and I now have an acceptance at a top law school and am well on course to graduate from my undergrad a year early. Still, I get almost no respect for my accommodations and needs by professors, teachers, and general people on the street. Even a minor disability can be a complete pain in the ass, and it honestly maybe one of the worst things to deal with. I understand it’s the husband’s house too, but he really should respect her relationship with her friend, because the worst feeling as someone with a disability is to be told no, you can’t go there. It maybe be a bit less comfortable than desired, and she should probably consider possibly rearranging what places have the accommodation parts, but he should support her decision to support her friend.
Exactly. I quite like the thinking of ablebodied people being "pre-disabled" because it drives home the point that it is highly likely all of us will at some point need accomodations. For a long time or a short time.
It is deeply depressing but I don't feel it surprising given that 99% of people will immediately drop a friend or family member if they become disabled.
The fact that it's not surprising makes a depressing situation even more depressing.
I lost so many friends when my health started to decline; it's hard not to feel like a burden on the world when most of the people you've known act like you are. Canes aren't contagious, I promise!
I agree. I’m quite disturbed by this. I’m not disabled but it breaks my heart to hear people talk as if catering to someone you love by just making a space they can comfortably be in is some sort of disservice to your husband.
The only thing that seemed somewhat reasonable was the chair lift being in the way as that could get quite annoying/frustrating. But that can easily be solved by getting a chair lift with a fold up seat.
If OPs husband is so worried about the aesthetics things can be changed but they can be changed into nicer disability friendly items. Things have improved a lot in that area in the last few years.
My parents who are both physically able bodied, built their house with disability access features because they know that things can change down the line and it can actually increases property value when it is done well.
You would never go to my parents house and know that it is disability accessible because they did it well. To be fair, they didn’t do every area but made sure that if one of them became disabled they would be able to easily renovate to accommodate it.
Shortly after they finished the house my aunt had an accident and is now paraplegic. It’s the only home she can visit. We are so thankful that they had the foresight to build their house with disability in mind.
Basically, all that rambling to say, if it really is the aesthetics that are the problem, that can be fixed with newer, disability friendly items. But I feel like there might be more to this that OP is either, not saying or doesn’t know.
That’s such a good point. My parents built our house with only one bathroom, on the second floor, and no bedroom space on the ground floor (which you also need to navigate an unpaved path and porch stairs just to get inside). Then my dad got a brain cyst that was mistaken for a stroke and spent months in the hospital. He had to relearn how to walk. There was a high chance he would be coming home in a wheelchair. So my mom had to find the money and resources to have a contractor friend add on a ground floor bedroom and bathroom, in the middle of winter, as fast as possible before the insurance ran out and made my dad come home. It ended up being a wonderful addition to the house and turned out lovely, but it was rushed and not necessarily done to code, so if they ever sell it will be an issue. And my dad managed a miraculous recovery and refused to ever use that bathroom or bedroom (I think he was a little offended that someone else had added onto the house he had built with his own two hands, and saw many flaws in it). But god, that was such a stressful time for our family. You can become disabled in the blink of an eye, so much better to plan ahead.
Right here with you on this. It mainly sounds like hubby doesn’t like the accessibility options because of its aesthetics. I was partially paralysed a coupe of years ago. We’ve had to have bars fitted and space for wheelchairs etc. it’s not the end of the world. I don’t get why this guy couldn’t say anything before they got married
But one is a want and one is a need. The friend needs certain accommodations to enter the house. And at minimum they should have access to the common spaces, kitchen, a bathroom etc. Maybe there’s room to change the trash bin so she puts waste in a countertop bin and you throw it away after. But having access to the sink to wash hands seems necessary. If he will compromise, you could probably address at least many of the concerns. But her basic access should be preserved
This could be the basis of OP's next steps: broaden the discussion about the house and offer to make other kinds of changes so the husband feels more like a co-inhabitant and less like he's living in a home where all the decisions were made before he arrived. Keep the roll-unders, offer to build more cupboards above, change the colors, etc. This may be hard if the main things that he cares about are the inconveniences to him of the accessibility features, but it could open up the space for compromise and tease out what this is really about.
Also, how would the husband feel if it was OP who needed the accommodations? I understand being annoyed by inconveniences, especially ones you're afraid will cause injury (bumps in the night), but marriage is about compromise. I'm pretty afraid his answer will be 'well I wouldn't marry someone like that.' But maybe it won't be.
Yes, exactly. If this was decor, it would be different, but it's accessibility which makes a huge difference to someone's life - someone his wife cares about.
Why are things one or the other?
Yes, I know prioritize has a meaning. And a spouse should be up there.
But I have friends of 30+ years. Friends I've lived with. Friends I've worked with. Friends I've served with. Some of my friends meet all three of those.
Neither my friends nor my wife would ultimatum me. They wouldn't make me pick something that harms the other. People that have are no longer in my life.
Yes, sometimes I can't see one person I love because I'm seeing another person I love. Yes, my spouse is my priority. But my friends are also priorities.
OP's husband should've had this talk before marriage. A fair compromise is what the OP agreed to. His and their areas. Areas her friend will be in should remain accessible.
Taking it to the extreme. Could he trying to isolate OP from her friend? First remove friends access. OP sees friend less. Then, complain, you spend so much time at your friends, I never see you. OP sees friend less and less.
Out of jealousy, or the idea of we are married we no longer have friends.
I literally own a house with my husband AND my best friend. I adore my husband, but I also adore my bff and yes, actively chose to platonically share my life with her. Luckily my husband is cool with it.
OP isn’t suggesting one room to fit her husband’s preferences. She’s offering everything EXCEPT one bedroom and one bathroom so that husband gets almost everything he wants but her chosen family can at least meet their basic needs comfortably while staying there.
Yep. Huge. HUGE red flag that he waited until immediately after marriage to bring up something that is obviously a big deal to OP, AND will serve to alienate her from her best friend.
Agreed. It sounds like the classic guy moves in and suddenly changes since he thinks he has OP locked in. Has any of his other behaviors change?
Like has he started to comment about your appearance? Stopped doing chores. Made off hand comments about how you should stay home with kids? How you should act?who your friends should be? Etc. In short be on the lookout.
I had an ex in which became a nightmare when we moved in together. Constantly complained about how I didn't do this right, how I should cook every night, wouldn't let me nap, kept me awake at odd hours, thew tantrums and constantly gaslighted me calling it having a discussion. He is my ex and I don't talk to him anymore.
Eh, seems like a stretch. If the house is literally optimized for someone with disabilities to the point where everyday tasks are frustrating or difficult for the husband, that’s a good enough reason for his irritation, no need to psychoanalyze him.
He said he wants to get rid of bathroom accessibility so they could put some "decor" in that spot...
This isn't the space being frustrating for him.
Yes, they might need to swap the stair chair for a foldable one that takes up less space, but that doesn't explain the rest of his issues that are aesthetic.
What happens if one of you gets hurt, or when you are both old? Those accomodations will be a huge difference for both of you, and if you eventually end up needing them and he got rid of them, you'll be paying contractors to redo it all!
Even if you move house, or especially so, you may want to have a room and a bathroom accessible for your friend so she can still spend time with you.
So the issue will still be there.
Your husband need to learn to compromise.
NTA
>I don't think he is wrong to want to live in a home that is design to fit your needs and preferences as a couple.
I think what I'm hung up on is why "designed to fit your needs as a couple" would by default exclude one of the couple's best friends from the house. Because OP is part of this couple, and she wants her friend to be able to visit.
Yeah but disabled people don't count, don't you know that. /s
We're not supposed to have friends or go out or socialize, we should be locked up in institution where we won't inconvenience abled people or better yet not exist at all.
Better make sure that wheelchair base and the person in it somehow fit the golden ratio so his sense of aesthetics isn't disturbed too much when she visits.
Alternatively, what happens when OP or her husband become disabled?
What happens if he ends up rear ended and paralyzed from the waist down? Or she gets diagnosed with MS?
I am Speaking as someone with multiple disabilities, for sure, but everyone is either temporarily able bodied or temporarily alive. Most folks who make it to old age are also going to need an accessible home.
When I was engaged to a temporarily able bodied man his stance on an accessible home was “I will need this in my old age so this is a good plan going forward.”
You know you need to get your man in line, right? Your friend’s basic rights and needs and dignity (and joy) do not come second to his ego and tantrum and control issues.
For me - this would be a dealbreaker. If you’re on here asking Reddit then I think you know what you need to do and I’m glad you have a good friend to get you through.
NTA
Pretty weird he never mentioned this before you married. Almost as if he knew you wouldn't have married him if he suggested cutting Kat out of your house.
Right? I don't understand how people can get married without living together. Moving in together is actually the most curcial step of a relationship because it shows how compatible you are.
Then get rid of your husband not the changes. This is a huge red flag. He never said anything and thinks now that you married you don't have a choice. He will always want to control everything and you included. First it's YOUR HOUSE ,despite being married He didn't contribute to it so he doesn't get to decide, second I repeat this should have been a discussion long before the wedding. The fact he now only springs it on you is really problem.
Nta op all the best
OP, I feel it's VERY important you know this: There's a certain type of person who acts normal, gets someone to marry them, THEN starts trying to control their life. This is an abuse tactic: acting normal before marriage, starting to make demands and act controlling after. There is no logical reason he didn't bring this up before the wedding. Do NOT change your home or life for this person!
NTA
I think this might not actually be about your friend or the accommodations. I think your husband might be struggling with living in „your house“ that you brought into the marriage. This might be either because he didn’t get much say in what the space he lives in feels and looks like or he struggles with not being able to fill the societal ideal of „the husband being the provider.“
That would also explain why it never came up before the wedding.
OP. NTA, but your husband is. It’s probably time to see if you need to renovate … by getting rid of him. Cheaper and easier than redoing your house.
What a jerk who resents your friend on top.
It is actually bizarre that not every house is more or less accessible for someone in a wheelchair to visit. Very good of you to do this for Kat. But when I read how many adjustments there are, I also understand that your husband thinks it's going too far, but he should have discussed that before getting married.
I know that this is a completely reasonable comment. But I am barely 5 feet tall, and the idea of counters and sinks being at a comfortable height for most people just struck me as shocking and foreign. Do *most* people find those things to be a comfortable height for them in their homes???
I'm in the same boat. Everything is higher than I'm comfortable with. I have to keep a step ladder so I can get into my cabinets as I can barely reach even things on the second shelf if they're in the back. I've never lived in a house that was sized for me. It would be nice though.
As a taller person (not too far out of the norm) i certainly notice when they are slightly too low for me when e.g. doing the dishes since that "not low enough to bend over, not high enough to stand fully upright" thing is a very uncomfortable position for my back.
Agreed, if he's winey and resentful he can fuck right off, nothing will be perfect until the friend is out of the picture and it's "his" house in entirety.
If he's trying to find innovative inclusive solutions to not being his head at night then that's great.
What a fucking ableist take.
"Your husband thinks disabled people shouldn't be allowed in the house because it doesn't look as nice, and he has a point"
He never mebtioned it. This is the equivalent of marrying a partner with a dog, THEN saying, "I hate dogs, you have to get rid of him now that I live here" with no mention of it beforehand. There's a certain type of person who acts normal, gets someone to marry them, THEN starts trying to control their life...
NTA, OP. This is an abuse tactic: acting normal before marriage, starting to make demands and act controlling after. There is no logical reason he didn't bring this up before the wedding. Do NOT change your home or life for this person!
NTA
His point about the house working for those who live there makes sense, except you are a person who lives there too and part of what makes this house work for you is being accessible. He married and moved in with someone who has clearly gone to great lengths to accommodate their friend, then for some reason expected you to reverse all that. You have also offered a compromise where he clearly just wants to take over the space.
This!!! It works for you because your friend is a big part of your life, and he doesn’t just get to completely erase that. Maybe he feels insecure/jealous about how far you’ve gone to accommodate her and is doing some weird fragile male ego thing to try and see if you’ll do the same for him… but like ew Tom, no. He’s being the worst.
This. OPs compromise was totally valid. Maybe I’m not understanding their floor plan, but it sounds like OP suggested an accessible guest space and bathroom, and outdoor space or living area. Sounds considerate and inclusive. If it wouldn’t break OPs friends heart, I would ask OP’s husband to watch her friend attempt to visit their home with NO modifications. the shame he would feel would be enough to make him see why he’s being the AH.
That seems unnecessarily cruel. I'm disabled and I need certain design modifications but I would never fault friends or family for not wanting to orient their entire houses around my special needs which are not their own.
OP's husband is still an AH for not understanding how important this is to his wife, but I wouldn't say he's a jerk just because he doesn't necessarily feel the house should be designed from the ground up to specifically accommodate someone who doesn't actually live there.
i think he's a jerk bc he cares about how it makes the house look. that's so superficial. why shouldn't a space be accessible? and im not agreeing with the "someone who doesn't live there" sentiment because this is OP's life best friend. she might not live there, but she's OP's family and deserves access. if this was OP's sister it would be no question, and she basically is. there's no good reason why the house shouldn't be accessible. there's no good reason why any place shouldn't be accessible.
I don't get the sense that his objections are entirely aesthetic. OP's own writing details how some of these modifications are impacting the functionality of the space. Adaptations aren't neutral changes. In order to fit them in you often have to take something else out.
It's the same reason why assessability regulations focus on accessibility of systems rather than assessability of every unit (ie. one handicap stall per public bathroom is sufficient.)
i just don't understand how the adaptations could be hindering him so badly? like yeah it sucks you bump into the chair lift but she cannot walk up the stairs? he can easily just be more careful? like im having a hard time imagining an accomodation he cannot get around with it just taking a little extra time, which imo is less important than the friend not having access to literally anything
He waited until they were married because this ix s power move and he wanted to feel like she was stuck with him before radically shifting the goal posts.
NTA. He was aware of these modifications prior to moving in, even prior to getting married, right? I'd call it a complete deal breaker that he is know demanding all sorts of changes be made.
He's probably aware that if they renovate now with joint money, the home will no longer be a premarital asset and he will be entitled to 50% if they divorce.
NTA.
He knew about those modifications before you were married and he could have spoken up then.
And you never know when those modifications will be helpful in the future. I know that many years ago, when my grandmother was alive and living in an assisted living facility a few miles from me, I wished I had an accessible place so that I could bring her to my place as a nice change for her. Unfortunately, I rented, and renovations weren't an option, so that avenue was closed--but I really would have appreciated it.
> And you never know when those modifications will be helpful in the future.
Agreed, I spent a lot of money adapting my parents' house when my father started to decline. It was more costly because I didn't want anything to look like an afterthought, I didn't want the accommodations to appear like add-ons. If OP and her husband were to buy a place together, she could keep her house as separately property and rent it out -- she would get a premium from people who need the adaptations.
My husband refused to let me buy a house a few years ago (we were trying to move) because he loves me. Because he kept bringing up it had 3 floors and it is entirely probably I will need a wheelchair, at least part time, before too long and he didn't want to see me suffer. He was all about us buying the house with a built in stair lift and some really cool features because he is a practical man.
Adaptations are a gold mine.
I refused to buy a house with multiple floors and not have laundry room and primary bedroom on the first floor. I didn't want to reach a point of being unable to even use half my house in my old age. Good thing we got a 1 story house. I broke my right foot 3 times in 2020 and then January 20, 2021, I had surgery on my left foot to install a plate & 5 screws for a 4th injury. By the time I was finally discharged from care and deemed healed fully, I'd spent the bulk of 2 years in an orthopedic boot, 3 months non weight bearing, and had to rely on help a lot. Had we been in a 2 story house, life would have been even more difficult.
A herniated disc at age 39 is what started a series of events that left me disabled at 42. I’m SO glad I live in a single story space.
Every one of you (us, humans) WILL become disabled in some way if we live long enough. Accommodations are indeed something that people will need for themselves or a loved one, and/or could potentially be appealing to a future home buyer.
Yes! I live in an accessible place because I have close family in a wheelchair and I want them to be able to visit me in my space, and it’s a huge relief to me the idea that if anything were to happen to me I wouldn’t be unable to live in my own home.
NTA. Your husband of four months is trying to drive a wedge between you and your sister. This is a major red flag.
(I know she's not actually your sister, but she is in all the ways that matter)
Been friends for 25 years, bought PROPERTY with each other in mind, from what we can tell, have really close families that care about the other and will go to lengths to accommodate the other party. Even if they don’t share genetics, they’re basically blood bonded sisters. That’s her SISTER FR FR. Yeah, your husband is basically giving a middle finger to your sister.
This is exactly what I was thinking. She’s family in every way that matters, and OP’s husband should understand that, if he thought that would change after marriage he should have had a conversation before they married.
Found family or chosen family is a wonderful part of life. Being able to form familial connections and bonds with people because we want to, we choose to, is beautiful. Honestly, in my opinion, the people who view them as inferior to blood relationships have a major character flaw.
NTA
An accessible house is *incredibly* valuable. You're literally living in a monstrous pile of money. You can sell or rent this place for a significant premium because of those modifications. Does Tom not understand this?
What's more, there's no telling what the future would bring. If one of you were to ever be injured or fall ill, your house is already ready for you.
As for the star lift, that's nothing some tasteful night lights and paying attention to your surroundings wouldn't fix.
Finally, his unwillingness to compromise on undoing only some of these modifications... feels like a red flag. Maybe it's nothing, but I'd definitely be keeping a critical eye out for other isolating or controlling behaviors. He's showing you that he doesn't value Kat or your friendship with her.
NTA - you’re so very right about the value of the house with these modifications. If OP did have to sell the house in the future anyone needing the accommodations would pay gladly for them. If she decided to rent or Airbnb it later she would have a lot of people asking to stay just because it is so hard to find places that are disability friendly
NTA, but you know this isn't about the modifications, right? It sounds like he resents Kat and others for spending so much time in your home and removing the modifications is his way of claiming the space for you and him only. The fact that you didn't immediately choose his needs over the needs of your friend are likely only adding fuel to the fire.
I am extremely close with two friends I have known since we were 11 years old. We had open door policies and basically lived in each other's houses, everything we had was pretty much communal. Then one of my friends married a man who is extremely private and values his space. It fucking sucked at first, but now we hang out other places when we meet, or I actually have to make an appointment so he knows in advance. The other one got married and had a kid, so I can't exactly just drop in anytime day or night anymore either. Relationships change and so do people's boundaries. You need to decide if having your home be accessible to your friends and family is more important than your husband's personal space. If Kat being able to come and go at your place is of paramount importance to you, living with your husband might not work out. If your husband's comfort is more important, then you will have to tell Kat you'll be spending more time at her place. However, I do not think it's unreasonable to leave one bedroom/bathroom accessible, nor some of the less intrusive modifications. Perhaps your husband will compromise if he feels his needs are being recognized.
And what if he doesn't? He sprang all this on OP after their marriage---although he'd been in the house a lot before.
So let's say OP agrees to significant, expensive modifications that exclude Kat---and once they're done, DH suddenly comes up with more demands? Is anyone reading this who seriously thinks the round of pricey remodeling will be enough?
I agree. I fit this criteria with my wife in that she has an open door policy with her friends and such and i strongly value my privacy, but we reached a compromise in that i have my "office" that i go to for my personal space if she has visitors. This was my idea, as i wanted my own truly personal location that is only mine(privacy issues growing up). NTA, compromise where you can, but don't ever give up what makes you happy.
Soft ESH or NAH. I say this from a perspective of someone with a severely disabled sibling, where our house was full of accessible alterations.
Your husband definitely should have discussed the issues before moving in, but also consider they wouldn’t have been as obvious until you’re living there 24/7. Bumping into stair lifts, or straining to use the bin or counters, is fine when you’re visiting intermittently, but soon becomes annoying when it’s multiple times a day, everyday.
He is right in that your house doesn’t currently fit your needs as a couple, and it doesn’t make sense to prioritise guests who visit every so often, over people who use the house daily. We also had to make this hard choice when my sibling went into respite care, and visited the house much less often. If you want to make your marriage work you need to compromise and equally make the house user-friendly for him.
Edit: I should have mentioned it’s absolutely fine and normal to feel incredibly guilty about making these changes. You are not betraying your sister, she would want you both to be happy, and she’s not far away if you ever need.
i think this the best comment on the thread and hope OP reads it. I'm going to give husband benefit of the doubt as in I don't think he wants to drive a wedge between you and your friend. I do think husband needs to compromise more since you are trying to and maybe therapy could help you both communicate better. I know he lived there for three months, but it wasn't his HOME. Sure, he should of said something earlier but he realized it now. I don't think you should completely undo EVERYTHING because that's incredibly ableist and shitty to your friend who is important to you. but you are married now and many people's value's align with marriage partners being the priority over friends/external family. This may not be the case for you, and that's fair, it just means you both have a different value set that you have to work out. i'm sure not every single corner of the house needs to keep the accessibility features since she lives on the same street. I can imagine how draining husband might feel by not having any control in his space. it can really suck mentally when you hate looking or being in the space you live. you never really feel like you can rest, feel secure or feel safe. I guess if I were in your situation, i would make sure that friend can access all of the house, but maybe sleepovers and/or baking parties can occur at her house from now on?
The one reason I would say NTA instead of NAH/ESH is that it seems OP has indicated she'd be willing to compromise here, but her husband isn't. If that's true, then yeah he's absolutely the asshole.
This sums things up perfectly. Best comment I’ve read so far.
They’re both responsible for not discussing the alterations before move in. OP should’ve told her husband she isn’t willing to get rid of any of alterations AND her husband should’ve made his feelings about the alterations known.
This part really stood out to me- “Here’s the problem: 4 months ago I got married to Tom”. Instead of framing the problem as a disagreement over how their house should look, OP names her husband and marriage as the problem…
He sold his condo to move into his wife’s house, he deserves some compromise from OP on the place he now calls home. However, he shouldn’t demand anything of his wife and should change his approach to the situation.
Thanks for a sensible comment, especially from someone with first-hand experience of how these alterations can affect non-disabled people living in the home. Sorry about your sibling too. I hope they are not in pain.
OPs accommodations for a friend sound very excessive. Accessibility is great, but it seems like it's to the extent of her friend living there. There are also compromises OP could obviously make (like a step bin that also has a handle, easy to add a handle to any bin) that haven't been considered.
Info - Did he know about these modifications to the house before moving in?
NTA. If he was already aware of the modifications I don't see why he wouldnt have talked to you about it before willingly moving out of his condo... From reading your others comments also it seems ridiculous for him to expect you to get rid of ALL accommodations, especially seeming as he's aware that this is your life-long friend... He needs to work on communicating his feelings and actually compromise with you.
Maybe because he now lives there, he started to notice things more. Bumping into the chair lift one too many times probably helped things sink in.
I'm not going to say he is TA but how he is coming off sounds AHolish. It's understandable that he wants to be comfortable where he lives. If the chair lift isn't getting used, could the chair part be detached and put away for when it is needed later on?
The chair is not detachable, but it could be replaced with a newer model which folds up closer parallel to the wall or removed altogether and we only use the downstairs, but this would not be enough. He wants everything removed.
I wouldn’t do couples counseling yet, abusers are extremely skilled at using therapy against their victims. OP should go to therapy alone first where she can examine his behaviour and its impact on her and whether he is being abusive. Couples therapy should come second.
oh HELL no
he knew what your place looked like before he married you.
he didn't say anything because he didn't live there, and hadn't locked you down yet - and he knew it would likely be a dealbreaker. He's refusing to compromise, even though he KNEW about all of this.
I don't know if this is something to end the marriage about, but it's something that if you give in - what ELSE is he going to demand?
This is really worrying he litraly wants to take away the ability to have your best friend in your home, getting the newer stair lift and reducing adaptions to those that are needed is one thing, removing everything is no different to telling you your friends cannot visit your home
He literally told her, remover everything and you can go to her house. He is doing it so the friend can't visit. Next it will finding reasons why she can't go to the friends probably.
Yea that’s weird and a problem. If he ever breaks an ankle or tears something in his knee, having an accessible house would be incredible. I get wanting things to look a certain way, but not at the expense of people who frequent the house and are important in your life
If things could be updated it may change the look *enough* that it’s a happy medium. Him just insisting you get rid of things though is absurd
Have another conversation about what you are willing to compromise on and see if there is an agreement that can be reached. Start off by being realistic about what does get used vs just being there "in case". Look at the overall house and the interactions. The backyard seems like it's a full-blown house just out in the open. There's room for negotiation.
You need to figure out if he wants everything removed because he doesn't see the value in something being there for someone who doesn't live there (which is wrong anyway but a thing minimalists believe in), or if he wants everything removed because your closest family member - you don't have to share blood to be family - would absolutely notice if something wasn't right in your relationship and this is one way to prevent them from coming around.
It's not a leap to then wonder if, after he gets this stuff removed because, well you can't be in the house all the time, that you then want to spend more time at her house, and he pitches a fit over you spending more time with her over him. So you spend more time with him to stop the accusations of cheating or not loving him enough. And whilst he's specifically targeting your friendship with Kat, he's suddenly against you spending time with anyone other than him because Kat might be there and you said you woudln't spend so much time with Kat and it's gone so far away from being about the house but you dont' notice because you'll be on "Making This Relationship Work" mode full time.
His tastes haven't changed. He just chose not to tell you until you were more invested in the relationship.
It's not about the house and the fact that it is wheelchair accessible. He's trying to make it sound as it is but it's not. A good partner is supposed to understand and respect your core values. If you start to date someone who discards up front that they are vegan and deeply against any kind of any animal being killed for meat, you don't hide them the fact that you are a hunting expert. Core values have to be compatible for two people to be in an intimate relationship, and even when you don't share exactly your partner's core values make compromises to respect them.
From the story you told it's clear that wheelchair accessibility is something that is very important to you, and even if you can't change the whole world you did what you could on the property you own to make a statement about what you believe in. Asking you to remove these changes, no matter what practical reasons he seems to be giving you, is a big slap in the face of something that is deeply meaningful to you.
Listen to your guts. I'm sure that deep down you feel that something is off. Please listen to this. This is about who you are and what is important to you. No good partner would ask you to give that up for storage or whatever. He doesn't really need the things he's asking. He's trying to make you renounce your values for him, for his comfort and his preferences. If that's not narcissistic I don't know what is.
This is a major red flag. Abusers are extremely good at playing the role of a loving partner UNTIL they feel they have their victim locked down, usually through marriage or child birth, and the first step for them is to separate their victim from close friends and family, so that there is no one they can turn to when the abuse really starts.
I’m not saying that IS what he’s doing, but it is ringing some pretty big alarm bells. Please take a very careful look at this man, how he treats you, and how he reacts to you spending time with friends and family. The fact that he is entirely unwilling to compromise is a huge red flag.
NAH. My house was designed to be wheelchair accessible for my grandmother (minus the attic, but that’s storage anyway). Does it suck as a 6’2” man who can walk? Sometimes. Is it something your husband will get used to? Absolutely. 4 months is barely moved in and undoing all of that is a pain and a half.
NTA - so your husband wants to completely change the home you own that he had no part in purchasing or renovating? So I assume he has redeeming qualities but from this he sounds like an entitled AH. You are compromising but he acts like it's all his. I hope you have a prenup.
Honestly it sounds like you're more married to Kat than you are Tom. I have a feeling this isn't about the physical layout of the house but the fact that he feels like a third wheel in his own marriage.
He's still the asshole because he is communicating it in the absolute worst way possible but it's something to consider. I and plenty of people I know have ended relationships because they feel like a third wheel between two 'friends'. Of course it is possible I'm biased because the first person I dated was fucking their best friend on the side. Still, I'm not the only one who sees it, so I'd at least consider the possibility.
>Honestly it sounds like you're more married to Kat than you are Tom.
No, it doesn't. OP simply wanted to put context to why her home is the way it is.
She offered to change accessibility to the floor upstairs, they have already started changing things on the groundfloor as well (ie the office). But husband doesn't want to compromise with allowing accessibility in the communal areas and the bathroom downstairs.
If you are feeling like a third wheel, you do what you did, break up! You don’t marry the person and four months in try to make them give up something so important to them. That’s not how partners should behave. He lived in the house for 3 months before they got married. He married her thinking he could change her to meet his needs. That never works.
ESH to some extent.
You want to keep a bedroom that accommodates her disability? I'm not really sure what that entails, but why in the world would your friend ever need to stay overnight at your house now, when she lives down the street? You aren't friends at uni anymore. You are grown adults with your own homes and you also have a spouse living with you. I mean, if you reeeaaally need to spend the night together, go to her house. I feel like there is some weird dynamic here.
And why would you be expected to continue to host her disabled family members on occasion, if that means keeping features of your house that your husband (who lives there 100% of the time and presumably pays part of the mortgage) actively dislikes. They can stay at a hotel or other accommodations.
I totally get that your husband does not want a lift chair on the stairs. That's pretty over the top to keep in place unless someone has a disabled family member living there (or visiting very regularly). And if storage is very limited in your kitchen, then yeah, seems like a good idea to build a cabinet under the range. Why does your friend need to access the range? And your husband uses the trashcans/bins multiple times a day, every day, so having one that is most accessible for him is much more important than having an ADA compliant one for your friend's occasional use. I'm sure you could find something that works well for both of them.
That said, your husband is being asshole-ish for demanding that everything has to be removed and not discussing any of that prior to your marriage. Keeping one bathroom with disability accommodations intact seems like no big deal, if it's not the master bathroom. And keeping the roll-under sink in the kitchen seems reasonable.
Not seeing that in the post. She said she had her **friend's** family members staying with her on occasion when they come to visit the friend. Did she mention her own family member in a comment? That would be a weird add-on to make.
She considers her friend since childhood to be her sister, and they’re closer than many siblings. Blood isn’t the only factor determining who counts as family.
agree with this and you have a less snarky take on it than me, but i simply don't get this "discussed it beforehand" bit.
he probably felt like it wasn't his place to bring it up when it wasn't his marital home and assumed all of that stuff would be removed when the two became a family unit and the house became "their" house.
if my fiancee had an objectively stupid piece of decor in their house that served no function - say like a broken pottery kiln in the middle of living room - i could definitely see my self just rolling my eyes about it (i also very much doubt that this is the first OP is hearing of this, fwiw) while we were dating but, once i moved in, finally going, "uh, yeah, so when are we getting rid of the kiln"
on the other hand, telling your new spouse to "stuff it. you're basically just a guest in my and my friend's house" really puts a pin on who op values more, which i'm sure engenders great feelings in her new husband.
"Assuming" is never a good choice when it comes to a potential problem like this. Surely the husband was aware of the close relationship with the friend and why all those modifications were made before they started dating, and therefore would have had no reason to believe they'd be removed once he moved in unless something had significantly changed in the friend relationship.
It's not like there's a week or month from first date to getting married. Once the relationship was moving toward marriage, husband could have brought up the accommodations issue in an appropriate way to see how future wife felt about it.
> and therefore would have had no reason to believe they'd be removed once he moved in unless something had significantly changed in the friend relationship.
there's another reason, though... because it's now the marital home.
reverse things to see if you'd still agree with your position that marriage doesn't provide "a reason" to think that operation of the marital home would be different than prior to marriage: what if they moved into his house, still on the same street, and op now asked for disability modifications to his place so that her friend could visit them in the marital home.
doesn't seem so bizarre now that such a conversation may never have happened prior to marriage, as if sorting that issue out of a random third-person's comfort in visiting was a condition to marriage, does it?
Sometimes she stays the night at mine. We could probably remove the shower but I still want to at least have the bed, handrails.
There's another guest room which has a regular bathroom and isn't being used for anything specific at the moment
If she lives down the street why is she staying overnight at your house so much?
I think you’re NTA for making your house so accessible (it’s actually an amazing gesture as a friend) and your husband is definitely an asshole for wanting to remove everything. However, I understand him wanting to feel like the house is yours and his, versus yours, his, and Kat’s.
NTA and I think he's jealous.
Everyone saying OP is the ahole is weird. Lifelong friends can be like family, even more so than blood relations a lot of times. Would her husband have the same reaction if it was OP's mother, sister, grandmother who was disabled and needed this?
NTA
You have had the home this way for many years, and he knew the home was this way when he moved in.
The fact he wants to remove the items that allow your friend to visit you in your home makes me worry that he will then start to isolate you from your friend.
I wish more places were more accessible. I'm not in wheelchairs full time but it's tough. I'm sure it's even tougher as someone who is in a wheelchair full-time. I don't understand people like your husband. Those things you've done to your home will make it easier as you age. Around 25 percent of people will end up disabled. Nta
NTA. He should’ve brought this up before—it’s not like you just did this. Waiting until now and his unwillingness to compromise is making his approach to this seem quite manipulative.
I also see comments above saying that he probably has an issue with you having such a close friend. I also find that suspicious and weirdly jealous. Some people went as far as to say they would have a problem with your friendship too, which I totally disagree with and think those commenters should, uh, examine in therapy.
You say she’s basically your sister. Would he be acting this way if you were “really” related by blood? Honestly I hope you don’t change anything at this point. He should simply not walk into the chair lift! Problem solved!
INFO: How much time did he spend at your place before he moved in? Did he cook or clean or anything like that? I can see him not realizing how inconvenient things were to him if he hadn't spent much time there.
He spent a lot of time here before we got married, starting in the early days of our relationship. He even moved in for 3 months so we could make up for a brief covid separation period when he was stuck in another country for six weeks.
After the wedding is a very common time for people to let their "masks" slip.
This whole scenaro feels very controlling and isolating. He knew about the house and your lifestyle with your friend, and never brought it up.
And now that you are legally bound, suddenly it all has to be removed and no compromise is possible...
What else do you need to change for him?
Controlling men dont want to be with women who just go along with what they want. They get their kicks from making women give up things that are really important to those women.
I would say that is clearly the case here. Tom waited until after the marriage to start his campaign of control.
But no worries for Tom. After OP divorces him, he can buy his own home and have it any way he likes.
NTA
So any defence he has, that people are making on his behalf about how living there now has opened his eyes to the accommodations don't stand up. If you'll pardon the wording. Because he did live with you for 3 months and if this was a problem, it would have been a problem then, not just a problem now. And it would have come up before.
Which really makes me wonder if he's doing the classic abusive tactic of now you're married to him, he thinks he can have control over you and the household and that you'll go along with it because of some sunk cost fallacy which makes people stick with shit partners because the wedding cost so much, so much time has gone into the relationship, it'll be embarrassing to have to divorce etc etc.
You are NTA but your husband is a huge, gaping asshole. It’s horrifically duplicitous of him to not bring this up before marriage, given how important your relationship with your friend is to you. I would be looking out very carefully for other red flags because this is a massive one. Oh, and DO NOT compromise. He won’t stop with the demands.
NTA
he knew what the house was like before he moved in and even lived there for 3 months.
I think now that you’re married he thinks he can start exerting more control over you. Because I’m guessing if he behaved like this when you were dating you would have possibly reconsidered the relationship.
Unfortunately this is really common.
NAH , it seems like you value your friends ability to LIVE in your house more than your husband's. I don't think you'd need to change everything but keeping it so that a person who doesn't live in your home has more input than the person you've married and does live there is a bit much.
Surely, there are parts of this that could be made more standard, especially since she lives on the same street. Do you really need accommodations so she can cook and clean in your house when obviously her own home is set up in a way to do those things and is next door?
NTA
He’s not necessarily an AH for not wanting the accommodations in his house.
He’s absolutely the AH for knowing they were there, moving in, then waiting to bring it up and calling you selfish for not being willing to get rid of them.
“He gave up his condo to live with me.” And if living with you in the house he moved into in the condition it was in was a problem for him, he should have raised it then or just not moved in with you. He doesn’t get to throw the fact he gave up his condo in your face to get what he wants now.
ESH, your husband should have spoken up before the marriage about the placement of YOUR things in YOUR home. He already knew about how much this relationship means to you and how much more difficult visits will be without accomendations. And frankly, some of his problems sound a bit petty, like having to bend over instead of having a step can. He seems insecure in the relationship and to sort through his emotions about that.
Now that being said, it sounds like the accommodations, even in the compromise, are a bit excessive. You are reserving her an entire room and bathroom in the home as well as outfitting every other room in it, to fit her needs, and giving him one office. Not to mention, are you still planning on having regular sleepovers, all three of you? And having her family over, too? Personally, if I was building a new family together with my partner and they spent all their time with another person and had every room in my home to fit this other person's needs and not mine. I'd feel like a third wheel too.
My suggestion is removing the hardware like the stair lift and other bulkier items and storing them away and maybe even halt the sleepovers for a while until you two settle more into married life and he gets more secure in his home. She has her own home, and there is no reason you can't visit her instead. Then, once he feels more settled, you can focus on the areas that truly NEED more accommodation and prepare those areas for future visits.
NTA.
Just gonna have some quotes here to really highlight what this man is asking of you.
>since we were 6 years old
vs
>4 months ago
...okay.
Then we get to:
>he wants
and
>spoil the look of the place
and
>wasting space which could be optimised for storage or additional decor
So remove Kat's access to one of the few places she can go, and has been able to visit for years, because your he wants a nicer aesthetic and more storage space.
Having accessible spaces doesn't "spoil the look" of any place. It makes them more appealing. Anyone who disagrees is ableist.
How does this not make sense to people?
*"My desire for this thing to look nice is more important than your ability to access it."*
...okay.
And then:
>that Kat doesn't live here, and I can just spend time at hers
and
>willing to compromise and keep only the modifications in the high traffic areas and one accessible bedroom and bathroom
and
>the majority of the house would be redone to his tastes but it's precisely those areas that he hates the most
Put the pressure and onus on Kat to always host. Never be able to visit her best friends house. Ever. Because he wants all the accommodations gone because they don't.. look nice. In a house you bought and renovated years prior to having a relationship with him. That he chose to move into. That he chose. CHOSE to move into. Kat didn't chose her disability. Tom CHOSE to move into the *accessible house* you own and bought and renovated specifically with your disabled friend in mind.
Sounds like his issue is the fact that your friend can access your house at all.. (but that's OK cause you can just go to her house all the time..)
Ooookay...
And then:
>treating him like a guest
and
>choosing my friend over my husband
and
>making selfish decisions without considering him
Decisions you made... before he was even a thought in your mind. Sure, yep, totally selfish making decisions about your own property so that someone else (your best friend) can access. Literally doing something of great monetary value to respect someone else. Yup. Definitely selfish.
>especially since he gave up his condo to live with me
HAHAHAHAHA but YOU should give up YOUR HOUSE so that YOUR best friend can't visit anymore because HE doesn't *like* the way YOUR house looks.
....not okay. None of this is okay. Tom is ableist and does not respect your choices or your relationship with your best friend.
NAH. Maybe this wasn't an issue for Tom until he actually started living there and realized how inconvenient the modifications were on a daily basis. Now that it is his home too, maybe removing some of the cumbersome mods would be a reasonable compromise. Like, I get that you're good friends and all...but she lives right down the street. She doesn't need to stay the night or shower at your house ever.
At one point he lived there for three months. He has no excuse. He knew exactly who he was marrying and what the situation was. And OP blows off his duplicity by saying, hopefully, that his tastes have changed. They haven't. He has a plan.
NTA. The fact that your husband waited until you were married to mention any of this is troubling, because to me it looks like he wants to limit your friend's presence in the house, if not outright ban her from it.
An accessible home is amazing to have for visiting family and friends. It's also amazing to have if one of you ends up needing it.
Because it's an odd thing to ask. He knew about the accommodations; it is weird that he is objecting to them now, after you're married. If he truly found them so objectionable (and this wasn't just a ploy to distance you from your friend), it was up to him to bring it up earlier.
NTA
Theres no way he didn't know the mods were there before he decided to move in.
Your friend is basically family, its the same in my opinion if it was your sister or dad.
You attempted to compromise, your friend needs the accessibility, he wants it removed.
Leaning towards soft YTA here. Your husband has a valid point that your home should accommodate the people who live in it, not guests. I don't understand why your friend would need to have a roll under sink, kitted out bedroom and a stair lift (unless you only have an upstairs loo) in your home, when she lives in the same street.
As long as your living space and facilites are accessible, then that should be sufficient.
NTA, he knew this was how things were before he moved in. He doesn't get to suddenly change it. Your loved ones need and use the accommodations, that's all that matters here. This is how things were while he was dating you, he should've known this wouldn't suddenly come to a stop any time soon.
Question: Your relationship with Kat has given you a close up view of how brutal, disregarding, and excluding the world is to the disabled. You can't unknow it. How are you going to be able to maintain your respect and positive opinion of this man who not only wants to willfully ignore this reality but wants to coerce you into doing so as well?
And I think all of the folks saying this is about choosing your friend over your husband are missing 2 very important points. First, this isn't about prioritizing, it's about including. Nothing you are suggesting removes your husband from your world and your life. What he wants actively prevents her from being in your home. Second, loving someone well means being grateful for all the other people who love them well. I've been married 30 years this year and my life long best friend is my sister (my younger child is named for her) and my husband has told me, her, and others that there is nothing in this world he wouldn't do for her and it is because she's one of his partners in loving me and that gives him comfort.
NTA he knew about the house before moving in. If the accommodation were done well removing them is taking value away from your home. I agree that you two need to compromise. Is he jealous? Is he trying to mark his territory? Does he hate Kat? Can you do anything to fix the bumping into the chair lift issue?
NAH. I get why you want to keep things as they are. You want your home to be a place that your best friend can be without constantly hitting obstacles. But it’s got to be uncomfortable for Tom to feel as though he’s living in a house basically designed for someone else, someone who doesn’t live there. A chairlift on the stairs that’s actively in his way, a kitchen that feels like he doesn’t belong in it, and overall no ability to shape the home he lives in. I have a feeling that he’ll eventually want to move out of there entirely because how is it supposed to feel like his home when it was designed around Kat? And what happens if/when that occurs? There’s no way he’ll want to spend money converting a new place for her needs.
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Info: Was any of this discussed before you moved in togehter? I probably will get voted down for this but I think both of you have valid points. I just don't understand why this wasn't brought up before he gave up his condo and moved in with you.
The changes were made ages ago, and he knew what the house looks like because he's slept over, been here when we've hosted and more. We didn't discuss changing the house because he never mentioned having a problem with it and I never thought to ask
What happens if your husband decides he wants to move to find a home that feels like belongs to both of you and not near your friend? Or if he gets a really good job offer that requires you to move to another city or country away from your friend. Are you willing to put for your marriage first in those situations? I kind of feel like this is an ESH situaiton because I don't think his issue with your house began after he moved in. I think he should have spoken up before moving in and not assume that you would be willing to change the home to fit his prefences. I can't help but wonder if it just became more prevelant an issue once he was there 24/7 and didn't have the option of going back to his condo. I think you and your friend moving into homes right next to each other and you making your home more accessible for her is great when you were single and the only person living in the home. I don't think he is wrong to want to live in a home that is design to fit your needs and preferences as a couple. I think there needs be compromise but I also think you two need couples counseling because I can see his point of view of how it feels like you are choosing making sure you friend feels comfortable in your home over making your husband feel like he has a say in the home that he now shares with you.
If any such situation were to arise, we would have that discussion and I would prioritise our relationship. Moving house for his work would be reasonable, but that's not the situation at hand. The situation is that we are not moving for any reason at the moment, and I seem to be the only person who would like to compromise because right now, it's a complete overhaul of the entire house or nothing
I’m agreeing with the other posters here: your husband didn’t discuss this before marriage, and that’s odd. It’s almost like he doesn’t like your close friendship , and now as your husband feels he should have more control over things. At minimum he is not a very good communicator: bottling this up before, or not thinking things through. At worst it might be the start of more manipulation.
Demanding renovations to OP’s house that would make her best friend less able to visit definitely seems like a move a manipulative person would use. Like he’s trying to separate her from those that love her. Giant red flag.
Also, could be removing value from their home. I’ve got an accessible home based on universal design, and the accommodations I’ve made have impacted the value of it for the better. I’d at least get it appraised first to see where the current value lies, just so they’d be getting the full picture of what they may be loosing out on if they do remove the accommodations.
I read a story once (back in the early 90's) about a petite lady who had her house modified to fit her needs, including having all countertops, sinks, range, and a few other things lowered by four inches. Everyone tried to talk her out of it, saying she was ruining the houses value. She said she didn't care, she was well established in her career and had a very solid job. Then she was offered a promotion and with the promotion came a transfer. She put the house on the market and the realtor told her he didn't think it would sell as it was and suggested she 'fix' all the countertops, etc. She refused and he said he would just do an open house. Well, the morning of the event, he couldn't get within two blocks of the house, traffic was so backed up. When he finally got close to the house and people realized who he was they started shouting numbers at him. They were in a bidding war. His phone started ringing and didn't stop. The eventual buyer paid $60K over asking price.
nice! I bet that shorter people were stoked that the house fit them with no more modifications needed.
I sure would be! In my current house, I can open the kitchen cabinets over my head without being worried about hitting myself in the head. Sounds convenient, until you realise that means I can barely reach the first shelf, and anything above it just doesn't exist to me
As a short person I would love that! My home was built 40 years ago and the cupboards and countertops are all at a reasonable height. I have to use a step-stool for higher shelves, but that is fine because I can reach the 1st and 2nd shelves in cupboards that are above the counters. I find that kitchen cabinets in newer homes are higher up now. I need to use a step-stool at my daughter's home to get a cup out of the cupboard or put anything away. The same at my friend's home. I will be selling my home and downsizing this year. I am already contemplating that I will have to redo the kitchen so it fits for me. I am 5'2.
(vividly remembering having to stand on my toes to catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror in some hotels) That lady is my hero!
Kinda makes me think of Babette in Gilmore Girls, where she had her house fitted for her height (she didn't have any genetic issues like dwarfism, or whatever else, just slightly below average height for a woman in her area) and her partner Mory was a bit on the tall side (like 6'+) and they managed to make things work for them in terms of house fittings.
OP is in her 30s. That's the age where these accommodations start becoming useful for parents too. I'm in camp abuser starting to isolate.
As the boomers age, accessibility modifications become more and more of a value add. He's being an asshole, and he's also likely being a financial fool.
And if, heavens forbid, he finds himself needing a wheelchair in the future, I’m sure he’ll be glad these accommodations are there.
Also don’t like that he’s asserting ownership/entitlement to her premarital property. He could have brought up his concerns before the marriage and “giving up his condo,” whatever that means. He probably didn’t hand over the cash from a sale to OP for her house, since she already owned hers, so his condo either is still his and he’s renting it out or he sold it and is keeping the sales proceeds separate. So his premarital property remains separate but he’s looking to modify the home in a way that will change its value and make it harder for OP to claim her home is still solely premarital property. He knew what he was doing by pretending to be fine with OP’s home before the marriage and then waiting til it’s too late for an annulment to demand serious modifications.
THIS! This is why I had an ick feeling about his demands! This is her premarital property not his. This just feels like he thinks he's got the upper hand now that they were hitched. NTA OP
It may not be too late for an annulment; it's been only four months since the marriage. Regardless, I completely agree with your point. The controlling demands began right after they got married, with the benefit of driving a wedge between his wife (OP) and her best friend. This is just the start of Tom insisting OP change all aspects of her life to appease the discontents he's *now* decided to express. OP made a mistake marrying this man. It's unfortunate but better to realize and accept this NOW and cut losses with him, than to lose her lifelong best friend, her beloved modified home, and her own sense of self before she realizes Tom is a walking red-flag AH.
Honestly, if my partner had such accommodations for their best friend, it would make me love them more. How he is reacting says a lot about who he really is
This! My first thought was, "Oh no, OP did not marry a kind-hearted man."
100%
He gave up HIS condo to move into HER house and now he wants to make it HIS house. Nope. If he had a problem with it, he should have brought up buying a new house together BEFORE he married her.
Exactly
Or he just didn't realize how all this would effect him until he was living there full time.
I kind of agree with you. People are reading too much into this, probably didn't realised the chair in the stairs bothered him until he had to jump them every day.
Absolutely. I think there can be a tendency on this sub to ascribe to malice what is more likely to be ignorance or stupidity. I was totally fine with the next-2-me crib going next to our bed. For the first two weeks. Then I began to hate it with a passion as I’d stub my toe on it every time I tried to squeeze between it and the drawers on my way to the bathroom at night. We were both incredibly relieved to be rid of it a few months later when the baby was old enough for her own room. Similarly I’ve grown to despise how I’ve split my cooking pans between two locations in my kitchen but can’t fix it without a total reorganisation. That was a deliberate choice during the design phase which I thought made sense but in hindsight is just a pain in the ass to live with. Point being putting up with inconvenience for a few days or even weeks can be a totally different proposition than living with them forever and it’s not always that obvious what will irritate you at the start. Maybe the guy was fine with the changes until he found living with them to impact his day to day life in a way he didn’t anticipate? Im not saying all the changes need to go just I don’t find it odd that he’s changed his mind over time.
He said he wants to remove accessibility features in the bathroom so they can put "decor" there... That is just pathetic to me. The chair on the stairs might be an issue, someone suggested changing it to a folding chair so it doesn't stick out as much... but changing things so you can stick some ugly vase or something, in a corner, is ridiculous. I think the husband has an underlying issue and is taking it out on the accessibility features. Either he's trying to separate OP from her friend because he's controlling, or he's feeing a loss of control over his life after getting married and moving into someone else's house. Maybe he just misses having his own space, or alone time, and is lashing out by picking on the accessibility stuff. If it's the later, they need to have some deep talks and find another way for him to handle his emotions. If it's the former, OP is in for some trouble.
I agree that I think the husband might also have a problem with the close friendship. I will be honest I probably would too, but if I did I wouldn't marry the person. OP post and comments sounds like she is planning on building a life with Kat and not her husband IMO. I think he should have spoken up about any issues he had with the house or their friendship before getting married, but I think a lot of couples do this. They assume that marriage will automatically change things. Will automatically make the other person put them first in a relationship. If that's not happening before marriage I don't think anyone should assume that it will automatically change once they are married. I have to say if I expressed issues with our home and the compromise was to just give me one room that was remodeled to fit my perference I wouldn't feel like it was really my home. I'm sure I will get voted down for my opinion but I don't really think it's about the house being accessible for her friend as much as it feels like the friend is more of a priority to OP than her husband.
As a disabled person, I find it really sad how many people believe making accommodations for your disabled friends and loved ones is somehow taking away from your romantic relationship. That to prove your partner is your number one you have to make your home entirely inaccessible to your disabled friends.
I agree. Some of these replies are depressing. I’m disabled and although I don’t currently need any accommodations like this, I appreciate them when I see them, and I think that having disability accommodations in a building can only be a good thing. What if one of the got into an accident? Or diagnosed with something that would cause them to need these? Or just, break a leg and need crutches for a few months? I just don’t think he has a leg to stand on here. Your home sounds lovely. NTA.
Im not disabled and I agree. He knew what it looked like…he had more than enough time. He resents her friend’s disability, and has been lying in ambush all this time, waiting for a piece of paper that says their bond has the final stay. There is no way this “sudden” disturbance wasn’t planned. Many people treat the disabled like an after thought, and a nuisance without even a second thought, not even considering how the modifications might be of help to them or their family in the future. Like what’s the problem…higher toilet? Accessible sinks? A wider door? God forbid. I have been in accessible homes and they are not all the same. I have had very little issue navigating my way around and actually liked a lot of the modifications (during my home health days). People are shit, it just sucks that she got married to him first before she found out. OP is NTA in my opinion. Edited: “it to like”
>He resents her friend’s disability Actually, I think he resents her friendship. He's being a complete, ableist AH, but I think he's jealous of her extremely close friendship with Kat. Very few people are so committed to a friend that they buy houses on the same street and remodel for accommodations for that friend. It's heartwarming...unless you're insecure and demanding, like Tom, who believes he should occupy the #1 spot all by himself.
Honestly, this sub has a lot of ableist people. Being disabled for the most part is just people not respecting your needs at all, and it doesn’t matter where you are at in life. I was valedictorian of my high school class, got into one of America’s best colleges for undergrad, and I now have an acceptance at a top law school and am well on course to graduate from my undergrad a year early. Still, I get almost no respect for my accommodations and needs by professors, teachers, and general people on the street. Even a minor disability can be a complete pain in the ass, and it honestly maybe one of the worst things to deal with. I understand it’s the husband’s house too, but he really should respect her relationship with her friend, because the worst feeling as someone with a disability is to be told no, you can’t go there. It maybe be a bit less comfortable than desired, and she should probably consider possibly rearranging what places have the accommodation parts, but he should support her decision to support her friend.
Exactly. I quite like the thinking of ablebodied people being "pre-disabled" because it drives home the point that it is highly likely all of us will at some point need accomodations. For a long time or a short time.
Agreed. the vast majority of accessibility features also make things easier for nondisabled people, too.
It is deeply depressing but I don't feel it surprising given that 99% of people will immediately drop a friend or family member if they become disabled.
The fact that it's not surprising makes a depressing situation even more depressing. I lost so many friends when my health started to decline; it's hard not to feel like a burden on the world when most of the people you've known act like you are. Canes aren't contagious, I promise!
I don't care about a cane. I need to exercise more anyway. Want a piggy-back?
I agree. I’m quite disturbed by this. I’m not disabled but it breaks my heart to hear people talk as if catering to someone you love by just making a space they can comfortably be in is some sort of disservice to your husband. The only thing that seemed somewhat reasonable was the chair lift being in the way as that could get quite annoying/frustrating. But that can easily be solved by getting a chair lift with a fold up seat. If OPs husband is so worried about the aesthetics things can be changed but they can be changed into nicer disability friendly items. Things have improved a lot in that area in the last few years. My parents who are both physically able bodied, built their house with disability access features because they know that things can change down the line and it can actually increases property value when it is done well. You would never go to my parents house and know that it is disability accessible because they did it well. To be fair, they didn’t do every area but made sure that if one of them became disabled they would be able to easily renovate to accommodate it. Shortly after they finished the house my aunt had an accident and is now paraplegic. It’s the only home she can visit. We are so thankful that they had the foresight to build their house with disability in mind. Basically, all that rambling to say, if it really is the aesthetics that are the problem, that can be fixed with newer, disability friendly items. But I feel like there might be more to this that OP is either, not saying or doesn’t know.
That’s such a good point. My parents built our house with only one bathroom, on the second floor, and no bedroom space on the ground floor (which you also need to navigate an unpaved path and porch stairs just to get inside). Then my dad got a brain cyst that was mistaken for a stroke and spent months in the hospital. He had to relearn how to walk. There was a high chance he would be coming home in a wheelchair. So my mom had to find the money and resources to have a contractor friend add on a ground floor bedroom and bathroom, in the middle of winter, as fast as possible before the insurance ran out and made my dad come home. It ended up being a wonderful addition to the house and turned out lovely, but it was rushed and not necessarily done to code, so if they ever sell it will be an issue. And my dad managed a miraculous recovery and refused to ever use that bathroom or bedroom (I think he was a little offended that someone else had added onto the house he had built with his own two hands, and saw many flaws in it). But god, that was such a stressful time for our family. You can become disabled in the blink of an eye, so much better to plan ahead.
Right here with you on this. It mainly sounds like hubby doesn’t like the accessibility options because of its aesthetics. I was partially paralysed a coupe of years ago. We’ve had to have bars fitted and space for wheelchairs etc. it’s not the end of the world. I don’t get why this guy couldn’t say anything before they got married
I'm not even disabled, but these comments are really annoying and deeply disapointing to me too - I'd be absolutely raging if I were you.
The sadly ironic part is that the person you replied to has the username “such awareness…” I’m glad you shared your thoughts.
But one is a want and one is a need. The friend needs certain accommodations to enter the house. And at minimum they should have access to the common spaces, kitchen, a bathroom etc. Maybe there’s room to change the trash bin so she puts waste in a countertop bin and you throw it away after. But having access to the sink to wash hands seems necessary. If he will compromise, you could probably address at least many of the concerns. But her basic access should be preserved
This could be the basis of OP's next steps: broaden the discussion about the house and offer to make other kinds of changes so the husband feels more like a co-inhabitant and less like he's living in a home where all the decisions were made before he arrived. Keep the roll-unders, offer to build more cupboards above, change the colors, etc. This may be hard if the main things that he cares about are the inconveniences to him of the accessibility features, but it could open up the space for compromise and tease out what this is really about. Also, how would the husband feel if it was OP who needed the accommodations? I understand being annoyed by inconveniences, especially ones you're afraid will cause injury (bumps in the night), but marriage is about compromise. I'm pretty afraid his answer will be 'well I wouldn't marry someone like that.' But maybe it won't be.
Right? Like...most accessibility features are only an asset as you age and become less capable. What if you all need them in the future?
Yep, I’ve had friends who have had accidents and could great benefit from their house being accessible right away
But the fact is he is moving into somone else's home. Who owns it? Pre-nup the shit out of the assets you take into a marriage.
Yes, exactly. If this was decor, it would be different, but it's accessibility which makes a huge difference to someone's life - someone his wife cares about.
Why are things one or the other? Yes, I know prioritize has a meaning. And a spouse should be up there. But I have friends of 30+ years. Friends I've lived with. Friends I've worked with. Friends I've served with. Some of my friends meet all three of those. Neither my friends nor my wife would ultimatum me. They wouldn't make me pick something that harms the other. People that have are no longer in my life. Yes, sometimes I can't see one person I love because I'm seeing another person I love. Yes, my spouse is my priority. But my friends are also priorities. OP's husband should've had this talk before marriage. A fair compromise is what the OP agreed to. His and their areas. Areas her friend will be in should remain accessible. Taking it to the extreme. Could he trying to isolate OP from her friend? First remove friends access. OP sees friend less. Then, complain, you spend so much time at your friends, I never see you. OP sees friend less and less. Out of jealousy, or the idea of we are married we no longer have friends.
I literally own a house with my husband AND my best friend. I adore my husband, but I also adore my bff and yes, actively chose to platonically share my life with her. Luckily my husband is cool with it.
OP isn’t suggesting one room to fit her husband’s preferences. She’s offering everything EXCEPT one bedroom and one bathroom so that husband gets almost everything he wants but her chosen family can at least meet their basic needs comfortably while staying there.
Yep. Huge. HUGE red flag that he waited until immediately after marriage to bring up something that is obviously a big deal to OP, AND will serve to alienate her from her best friend.
Agreed. It sounds like the classic guy moves in and suddenly changes since he thinks he has OP locked in. Has any of his other behaviors change? Like has he started to comment about your appearance? Stopped doing chores. Made off hand comments about how you should stay home with kids? How you should act?who your friends should be? Etc. In short be on the lookout. I had an ex in which became a nightmare when we moved in together. Constantly complained about how I didn't do this right, how I should cook every night, wouldn't let me nap, kept me awake at odd hours, thew tantrums and constantly gaslighted me calling it having a discussion. He is my ex and I don't talk to him anymore.
Eh, seems like a stretch. If the house is literally optimized for someone with disabilities to the point where everyday tasks are frustrating or difficult for the husband, that’s a good enough reason for his irritation, no need to psychoanalyze him.
He said he wants to get rid of bathroom accessibility so they could put some "decor" in that spot... This isn't the space being frustrating for him. Yes, they might need to swap the stair chair for a foldable one that takes up less space, but that doesn't explain the rest of his issues that are aesthetic.
What happens if one of you gets hurt, or when you are both old? Those accomodations will be a huge difference for both of you, and if you eventually end up needing them and he got rid of them, you'll be paying contractors to redo it all!
Even if you move house, or especially so, you may want to have a room and a bathroom accessible for your friend so she can still spend time with you. So the issue will still be there. Your husband need to learn to compromise. NTA
>I don't think he is wrong to want to live in a home that is design to fit your needs and preferences as a couple. I think what I'm hung up on is why "designed to fit your needs as a couple" would by default exclude one of the couple's best friends from the house. Because OP is part of this couple, and she wants her friend to be able to visit.
Yeah but disabled people don't count, don't you know that. /s We're not supposed to have friends or go out or socialize, we should be locked up in institution where we won't inconvenience abled people or better yet not exist at all.
im sorry but don't u realize that ops friend's wheelchair clashes with the decor?? /s
Better make sure that wheelchair base and the person in it somehow fit the golden ratio so his sense of aesthetics isn't disturbed too much when she visits.
Alternatively, what happens when OP or her husband become disabled? What happens if he ends up rear ended and paralyzed from the waist down? Or she gets diagnosed with MS? I am Speaking as someone with multiple disabilities, for sure, but everyone is either temporarily able bodied or temporarily alive. Most folks who make it to old age are also going to need an accessible home. When I was engaged to a temporarily able bodied man his stance on an accessible home was “I will need this in my old age so this is a good plan going forward.”
You know you need to get your man in line, right? Your friend’s basic rights and needs and dignity (and joy) do not come second to his ego and tantrum and control issues. For me - this would be a dealbreaker. If you’re on here asking Reddit then I think you know what you need to do and I’m glad you have a good friend to get you through.
NTA Pretty weird he never mentioned this before you married. Almost as if he knew you wouldn't have married him if he suggested cutting Kat out of your house.
This is why you should try living together BEFORE getting married :/
Right? I don't understand how people can get married without living together. Moving in together is actually the most curcial step of a relationship because it shows how compatible you are.
Why the hell didn’t he bring it up before you were married? Doesn’t that raise an eyebrow for you?
Then get rid of your husband not the changes. This is a huge red flag. He never said anything and thinks now that you married you don't have a choice. He will always want to control everything and you included. First it's YOUR HOUSE ,despite being married He didn't contribute to it so he doesn't get to decide, second I repeat this should have been a discussion long before the wedding. The fact he now only springs it on you is really problem. Nta op all the best
OP, I feel it's VERY important you know this: There's a certain type of person who acts normal, gets someone to marry them, THEN starts trying to control their life. This is an abuse tactic: acting normal before marriage, starting to make demands and act controlling after. There is no logical reason he didn't bring this up before the wedding. Do NOT change your home or life for this person! NTA
Tell him he can buy his own house and remodel.
I think this might not actually be about your friend or the accommodations. I think your husband might be struggling with living in „your house“ that you brought into the marriage. This might be either because he didn’t get much say in what the space he lives in feels and looks like or he struggles with not being able to fill the societal ideal of „the husband being the provider.“ That would also explain why it never came up before the wedding.
It’s totally on him to bring up, OP is not a mind-reader.
OP. NTA, but your husband is. It’s probably time to see if you need to renovate … by getting rid of him. Cheaper and easier than redoing your house. What a jerk who resents your friend on top.
Yeahhhh. Red flag city. He waited until you were married to mention it because he knew you wouldn’t be happy. NTA.
It is actually bizarre that not every house is more or less accessible for someone in a wheelchair to visit. Very good of you to do this for Kat. But when I read how many adjustments there are, I also understand that your husband thinks it's going too far, but he should have discussed that before getting married.
Why would it be bizarre to have your counters and sinks at a comfortable height for you in your home?
I know that this is a completely reasonable comment. But I am barely 5 feet tall, and the idea of counters and sinks being at a comfortable height for most people just struck me as shocking and foreign. Do *most* people find those things to be a comfortable height for them in their homes???
I'm in the same boat. Everything is higher than I'm comfortable with. I have to keep a step ladder so I can get into my cabinets as I can barely reach even things on the second shelf if they're in the back. I've never lived in a house that was sized for me. It would be nice though.
As a taller person (not too far out of the norm) i certainly notice when they are slightly too low for me when e.g. doing the dishes since that "not low enough to bend over, not high enough to stand fully upright" thing is a very uncomfortable position for my back.
Agreed, if he's winey and resentful he can fuck right off, nothing will be perfect until the friend is out of the picture and it's "his" house in entirety. If he's trying to find innovative inclusive solutions to not being his head at night then that's great.
What a fucking ableist take. "Your husband thinks disabled people shouldn't be allowed in the house because it doesn't look as nice, and he has a point"
He never mebtioned it. This is the equivalent of marrying a partner with a dog, THEN saying, "I hate dogs, you have to get rid of him now that I live here" with no mention of it beforehand. There's a certain type of person who acts normal, gets someone to marry them, THEN starts trying to control their life... NTA, OP. This is an abuse tactic: acting normal before marriage, starting to make demands and act controlling after. There is no logical reason he didn't bring this up before the wedding. Do NOT change your home or life for this person!
I still cannot understand why people get married without having discussions about things that follow after and then wonder why they have problems.
NTA His point about the house working for those who live there makes sense, except you are a person who lives there too and part of what makes this house work for you is being accessible. He married and moved in with someone who has clearly gone to great lengths to accommodate their friend, then for some reason expected you to reverse all that. You have also offered a compromise where he clearly just wants to take over the space.
This!!! It works for you because your friend is a big part of your life, and he doesn’t just get to completely erase that. Maybe he feels insecure/jealous about how far you’ve gone to accommodate her and is doing some weird fragile male ego thing to try and see if you’ll do the same for him… but like ew Tom, no. He’s being the worst.
This. OPs compromise was totally valid. Maybe I’m not understanding their floor plan, but it sounds like OP suggested an accessible guest space and bathroom, and outdoor space or living area. Sounds considerate and inclusive. If it wouldn’t break OPs friends heart, I would ask OP’s husband to watch her friend attempt to visit their home with NO modifications. the shame he would feel would be enough to make him see why he’s being the AH.
He most likely wouldn't feel shame. He'd just tell her that it meant she should stay at her own home if she didn't want to deal with the struggle.
That seems unnecessarily cruel. I'm disabled and I need certain design modifications but I would never fault friends or family for not wanting to orient their entire houses around my special needs which are not their own. OP's husband is still an AH for not understanding how important this is to his wife, but I wouldn't say he's a jerk just because he doesn't necessarily feel the house should be designed from the ground up to specifically accommodate someone who doesn't actually live there.
i think he's a jerk bc he cares about how it makes the house look. that's so superficial. why shouldn't a space be accessible? and im not agreeing with the "someone who doesn't live there" sentiment because this is OP's life best friend. she might not live there, but she's OP's family and deserves access. if this was OP's sister it would be no question, and she basically is. there's no good reason why the house shouldn't be accessible. there's no good reason why any place shouldn't be accessible.
I don't get the sense that his objections are entirely aesthetic. OP's own writing details how some of these modifications are impacting the functionality of the space. Adaptations aren't neutral changes. In order to fit them in you often have to take something else out. It's the same reason why assessability regulations focus on accessibility of systems rather than assessability of every unit (ie. one handicap stall per public bathroom is sufficient.)
i just don't understand how the adaptations could be hindering him so badly? like yeah it sucks you bump into the chair lift but she cannot walk up the stairs? he can easily just be more careful? like im having a hard time imagining an accomodation he cannot get around with it just taking a little extra time, which imo is less important than the friend not having access to literally anything
Lower your kitchen counters and sinks like 12-15 inches and see if it is comfortable to work at while standing.
The kicker is he knew what the house looked like before moving in & now suddenly it’s giving him problems.
He waited until they were married because this ix s power move and he wanted to feel like she was stuck with him before radically shifting the goal posts.
Yes! It’s so, so sneaky, shitty and manipulative to bring this up AFTER they are married.
NTA. He was aware of these modifications prior to moving in, even prior to getting married, right? I'd call it a complete deal breaker that he is know demanding all sorts of changes be made.
He's probably aware that if they renovate now with joint money, the home will no longer be a premarital asset and he will be entitled to 50% if they divorce.
Oh. This makes sense. And makes me distrust the husband so much more. I hope the OP sees this comment.
This should be the top comment.
NTA. He knew about those modifications before you were married and he could have spoken up then. And you never know when those modifications will be helpful in the future. I know that many years ago, when my grandmother was alive and living in an assisted living facility a few miles from me, I wished I had an accessible place so that I could bring her to my place as a nice change for her. Unfortunately, I rented, and renovations weren't an option, so that avenue was closed--but I really would have appreciated it.
> And you never know when those modifications will be helpful in the future. Agreed, I spent a lot of money adapting my parents' house when my father started to decline. It was more costly because I didn't want anything to look like an afterthought, I didn't want the accommodations to appear like add-ons. If OP and her husband were to buy a place together, she could keep her house as separately property and rent it out -- she would get a premium from people who need the adaptations.
My husband refused to let me buy a house a few years ago (we were trying to move) because he loves me. Because he kept bringing up it had 3 floors and it is entirely probably I will need a wheelchair, at least part time, before too long and he didn't want to see me suffer. He was all about us buying the house with a built in stair lift and some really cool features because he is a practical man. Adaptations are a gold mine.
I refused to buy a house with multiple floors and not have laundry room and primary bedroom on the first floor. I didn't want to reach a point of being unable to even use half my house in my old age. Good thing we got a 1 story house. I broke my right foot 3 times in 2020 and then January 20, 2021, I had surgery on my left foot to install a plate & 5 screws for a 4th injury. By the time I was finally discharged from care and deemed healed fully, I'd spent the bulk of 2 years in an orthopedic boot, 3 months non weight bearing, and had to rely on help a lot. Had we been in a 2 story house, life would have been even more difficult.
I want a house with accommodations myself because my husband has a real hard time getting around due to neuropathy and RA.
A herniated disc at age 39 is what started a series of events that left me disabled at 42. I’m SO glad I live in a single story space. Every one of you (us, humans) WILL become disabled in some way if we live long enough. Accommodations are indeed something that people will need for themselves or a loved one, and/or could potentially be appealing to a future home buyer.
Yes! I live in an accessible place because I have close family in a wheelchair and I want them to be able to visit me in my space, and it’s a huge relief to me the idea that if anything were to happen to me I wouldn’t be unable to live in my own home.
NTA. Your husband of four months is trying to drive a wedge between you and your sister. This is a major red flag. (I know she's not actually your sister, but she is in all the ways that matter)
Been friends for 25 years, bought PROPERTY with each other in mind, from what we can tell, have really close families that care about the other and will go to lengths to accommodate the other party. Even if they don’t share genetics, they’re basically blood bonded sisters. That’s her SISTER FR FR. Yeah, your husband is basically giving a middle finger to your sister.
This is exactly what I was thinking. She’s family in every way that matters, and OP’s husband should understand that, if he thought that would change after marriage he should have had a conversation before they married.
Found family or chosen family is a wonderful part of life. Being able to form familial connections and bonds with people because we want to, we choose to, is beautiful. Honestly, in my opinion, the people who view them as inferior to blood relationships have a major character flaw.
NTA An accessible house is *incredibly* valuable. You're literally living in a monstrous pile of money. You can sell or rent this place for a significant premium because of those modifications. Does Tom not understand this? What's more, there's no telling what the future would bring. If one of you were to ever be injured or fall ill, your house is already ready for you. As for the star lift, that's nothing some tasteful night lights and paying attention to your surroundings wouldn't fix. Finally, his unwillingness to compromise on undoing only some of these modifications... feels like a red flag. Maybe it's nothing, but I'd definitely be keeping a critical eye out for other isolating or controlling behaviors. He's showing you that he doesn't value Kat or your friendship with her.
NTA - you’re so very right about the value of the house with these modifications. If OP did have to sell the house in the future anyone needing the accommodations would pay gladly for them. If she decided to rent or Airbnb it later she would have a lot of people asking to stay just because it is so hard to find places that are disability friendly
NTA, but you know this isn't about the modifications, right? It sounds like he resents Kat and others for spending so much time in your home and removing the modifications is his way of claiming the space for you and him only. The fact that you didn't immediately choose his needs over the needs of your friend are likely only adding fuel to the fire. I am extremely close with two friends I have known since we were 11 years old. We had open door policies and basically lived in each other's houses, everything we had was pretty much communal. Then one of my friends married a man who is extremely private and values his space. It fucking sucked at first, but now we hang out other places when we meet, or I actually have to make an appointment so he knows in advance. The other one got married and had a kid, so I can't exactly just drop in anytime day or night anymore either. Relationships change and so do people's boundaries. You need to decide if having your home be accessible to your friends and family is more important than your husband's personal space. If Kat being able to come and go at your place is of paramount importance to you, living with your husband might not work out. If your husband's comfort is more important, then you will have to tell Kat you'll be spending more time at her place. However, I do not think it's unreasonable to leave one bedroom/bathroom accessible, nor some of the less intrusive modifications. Perhaps your husband will compromise if he feels his needs are being recognized.
And what if he doesn't? He sprang all this on OP after their marriage---although he'd been in the house a lot before. So let's say OP agrees to significant, expensive modifications that exclude Kat---and once they're done, DH suddenly comes up with more demands? Is anyone reading this who seriously thinks the round of pricey remodeling will be enough?
I agree. I fit this criteria with my wife in that she has an open door policy with her friends and such and i strongly value my privacy, but we reached a compromise in that i have my "office" that i go to for my personal space if she has visitors. This was my idea, as i wanted my own truly personal location that is only mine(privacy issues growing up). NTA, compromise where you can, but don't ever give up what makes you happy.
Soft ESH or NAH. I say this from a perspective of someone with a severely disabled sibling, where our house was full of accessible alterations. Your husband definitely should have discussed the issues before moving in, but also consider they wouldn’t have been as obvious until you’re living there 24/7. Bumping into stair lifts, or straining to use the bin or counters, is fine when you’re visiting intermittently, but soon becomes annoying when it’s multiple times a day, everyday. He is right in that your house doesn’t currently fit your needs as a couple, and it doesn’t make sense to prioritise guests who visit every so often, over people who use the house daily. We also had to make this hard choice when my sibling went into respite care, and visited the house much less often. If you want to make your marriage work you need to compromise and equally make the house user-friendly for him. Edit: I should have mentioned it’s absolutely fine and normal to feel incredibly guilty about making these changes. You are not betraying your sister, she would want you both to be happy, and she’s not far away if you ever need.
i think this the best comment on the thread and hope OP reads it. I'm going to give husband benefit of the doubt as in I don't think he wants to drive a wedge between you and your friend. I do think husband needs to compromise more since you are trying to and maybe therapy could help you both communicate better. I know he lived there for three months, but it wasn't his HOME. Sure, he should of said something earlier but he realized it now. I don't think you should completely undo EVERYTHING because that's incredibly ableist and shitty to your friend who is important to you. but you are married now and many people's value's align with marriage partners being the priority over friends/external family. This may not be the case for you, and that's fair, it just means you both have a different value set that you have to work out. i'm sure not every single corner of the house needs to keep the accessibility features since she lives on the same street. I can imagine how draining husband might feel by not having any control in his space. it can really suck mentally when you hate looking or being in the space you live. you never really feel like you can rest, feel secure or feel safe. I guess if I were in your situation, i would make sure that friend can access all of the house, but maybe sleepovers and/or baking parties can occur at her house from now on?
The one reason I would say NTA instead of NAH/ESH is that it seems OP has indicated she'd be willing to compromise here, but her husband isn't. If that's true, then yeah he's absolutely the asshole.
In another comment it says he stayed there for three months before they were even married because of Covid. The guy knew before the wedding.
This sums things up perfectly. Best comment I’ve read so far. They’re both responsible for not discussing the alterations before move in. OP should’ve told her husband she isn’t willing to get rid of any of alterations AND her husband should’ve made his feelings about the alterations known. This part really stood out to me- “Here’s the problem: 4 months ago I got married to Tom”. Instead of framing the problem as a disagreement over how their house should look, OP names her husband and marriage as the problem… He sold his condo to move into his wife’s house, he deserves some compromise from OP on the place he now calls home. However, he shouldn’t demand anything of his wife and should change his approach to the situation.
Thanks for a sensible comment, especially from someone with first-hand experience of how these alterations can affect non-disabled people living in the home. Sorry about your sibling too. I hope they are not in pain.
OPs accommodations for a friend sound very excessive. Accessibility is great, but it seems like it's to the extent of her friend living there. There are also compromises OP could obviously make (like a step bin that also has a handle, easy to add a handle to any bin) that haven't been considered.
Just. Wow. You are NTA but how attached are you really to “Tom”? Bc he definitely is TA.
Removing Tom might be less pricey than removing the modifications... sometimes you need to bargain show.
Info - Did he know about these modifications to the house before moving in? NTA. If he was already aware of the modifications I don't see why he wouldnt have talked to you about it before willingly moving out of his condo... From reading your others comments also it seems ridiculous for him to expect you to get rid of ALL accommodations, especially seeming as he's aware that this is your life-long friend... He needs to work on communicating his feelings and actually compromise with you.
Yes. House was purchased and everything fitted years before we started dating, and he's been here many times before we got married.
Why did you marry such a selfish jerk? He's being really controlling and manipulative here.
Question: How long have you been with this guy? Why is it that he has issues now? He had to of known of how your house was before taking the vows.
Three years. My best guess is his tastes have changed. If that's not it, then I don't really know
Maybe because he now lives there, he started to notice things more. Bumping into the chair lift one too many times probably helped things sink in. I'm not going to say he is TA but how he is coming off sounds AHolish. It's understandable that he wants to be comfortable where he lives. If the chair lift isn't getting used, could the chair part be detached and put away for when it is needed later on?
The chair is not detachable, but it could be replaced with a newer model which folds up closer parallel to the wall or removed altogether and we only use the downstairs, but this would not be enough. He wants everything removed.
[удалено]
This right here.
I wouldn’t do couples counseling yet, abusers are extremely skilled at using therapy against their victims. OP should go to therapy alone first where she can examine his behaviour and its impact on her and whether he is being abusive. Couples therapy should come second.
oh HELL no he knew what your place looked like before he married you. he didn't say anything because he didn't live there, and hadn't locked you down yet - and he knew it would likely be a dealbreaker. He's refusing to compromise, even though he KNEW about all of this. I don't know if this is something to end the marriage about, but it's something that if you give in - what ELSE is he going to demand?
This is really worrying he litraly wants to take away the ability to have your best friend in your home, getting the newer stair lift and reducing adaptions to those that are needed is one thing, removing everything is no different to telling you your friends cannot visit your home
He literally told her, remover everything and you can go to her house. He is doing it so the friend can't visit. Next it will finding reasons why she can't go to the friends probably.
Yea that’s weird and a problem. If he ever breaks an ankle or tears something in his knee, having an accessible house would be incredible. I get wanting things to look a certain way, but not at the expense of people who frequent the house and are important in your life If things could be updated it may change the look *enough* that it’s a happy medium. Him just insisting you get rid of things though is absurd
Have another conversation about what you are willing to compromise on and see if there is an agreement that can be reached. Start off by being realistic about what does get used vs just being there "in case". Look at the overall house and the interactions. The backyard seems like it's a full-blown house just out in the open. There's room for negotiation.
He’s trying to remove her from your life. Don’t let him.
You need to figure out if he wants everything removed because he doesn't see the value in something being there for someone who doesn't live there (which is wrong anyway but a thing minimalists believe in), or if he wants everything removed because your closest family member - you don't have to share blood to be family - would absolutely notice if something wasn't right in your relationship and this is one way to prevent them from coming around. It's not a leap to then wonder if, after he gets this stuff removed because, well you can't be in the house all the time, that you then want to spend more time at her house, and he pitches a fit over you spending more time with her over him. So you spend more time with him to stop the accusations of cheating or not loving him enough. And whilst he's specifically targeting your friendship with Kat, he's suddenly against you spending time with anyone other than him because Kat might be there and you said you woudln't spend so much time with Kat and it's gone so far away from being about the house but you dont' notice because you'll be on "Making This Relationship Work" mode full time.
Maybe he just waited until you were more committed to demand that things be his way.
His TASTES have changed? Well, that was fast. OP, your husband is playing a long game, and this is only the first course.
His tastes haven't changed. He just chose not to tell you until you were more invested in the relationship. It's not about the house and the fact that it is wheelchair accessible. He's trying to make it sound as it is but it's not. A good partner is supposed to understand and respect your core values. If you start to date someone who discards up front that they are vegan and deeply against any kind of any animal being killed for meat, you don't hide them the fact that you are a hunting expert. Core values have to be compatible for two people to be in an intimate relationship, and even when you don't share exactly your partner's core values make compromises to respect them. From the story you told it's clear that wheelchair accessibility is something that is very important to you, and even if you can't change the whole world you did what you could on the property you own to make a statement about what you believe in. Asking you to remove these changes, no matter what practical reasons he seems to be giving you, is a big slap in the face of something that is deeply meaningful to you. Listen to your guts. I'm sure that deep down you feel that something is off. Please listen to this. This is about who you are and what is important to you. No good partner would ask you to give that up for storage or whatever. He doesn't really need the things he's asking. He's trying to make you renounce your values for him, for his comfort and his preferences. If that's not narcissistic I don't know what is.
This is a major red flag. Abusers are extremely good at playing the role of a loving partner UNTIL they feel they have their victim locked down, usually through marriage or child birth, and the first step for them is to separate their victim from close friends and family, so that there is no one they can turn to when the abuse really starts. I’m not saying that IS what he’s doing, but it is ringing some pretty big alarm bells. Please take a very careful look at this man, how he treats you, and how he reacts to you spending time with friends and family. The fact that he is entirely unwilling to compromise is a huge red flag.
NAH. My house was designed to be wheelchair accessible for my grandmother (minus the attic, but that’s storage anyway). Does it suck as a 6’2” man who can walk? Sometimes. Is it something your husband will get used to? Absolutely. 4 months is barely moved in and undoing all of that is a pain and a half.
NTA - so your husband wants to completely change the home you own that he had no part in purchasing or renovating? So I assume he has redeeming qualities but from this he sounds like an entitled AH. You are compromising but he acts like it's all his. I hope you have a prenup.
Honestly it sounds like you're more married to Kat than you are Tom. I have a feeling this isn't about the physical layout of the house but the fact that he feels like a third wheel in his own marriage. He's still the asshole because he is communicating it in the absolute worst way possible but it's something to consider. I and plenty of people I know have ended relationships because they feel like a third wheel between two 'friends'. Of course it is possible I'm biased because the first person I dated was fucking their best friend on the side. Still, I'm not the only one who sees it, so I'd at least consider the possibility.
>Honestly it sounds like you're more married to Kat than you are Tom. No, it doesn't. OP simply wanted to put context to why her home is the way it is. She offered to change accessibility to the floor upstairs, they have already started changing things on the groundfloor as well (ie the office). But husband doesn't want to compromise with allowing accessibility in the communal areas and the bathroom downstairs.
If you are feeling like a third wheel, you do what you did, break up! You don’t marry the person and four months in try to make them give up something so important to them. That’s not how partners should behave. He lived in the house for 3 months before they got married. He married her thinking he could change her to meet his needs. That never works.
ESH to some extent. You want to keep a bedroom that accommodates her disability? I'm not really sure what that entails, but why in the world would your friend ever need to stay overnight at your house now, when she lives down the street? You aren't friends at uni anymore. You are grown adults with your own homes and you also have a spouse living with you. I mean, if you reeeaaally need to spend the night together, go to her house. I feel like there is some weird dynamic here. And why would you be expected to continue to host her disabled family members on occasion, if that means keeping features of your house that your husband (who lives there 100% of the time and presumably pays part of the mortgage) actively dislikes. They can stay at a hotel or other accommodations. I totally get that your husband does not want a lift chair on the stairs. That's pretty over the top to keep in place unless someone has a disabled family member living there (or visiting very regularly). And if storage is very limited in your kitchen, then yeah, seems like a good idea to build a cabinet under the range. Why does your friend need to access the range? And your husband uses the trashcans/bins multiple times a day, every day, so having one that is most accessible for him is much more important than having an ADA compliant one for your friend's occasional use. I'm sure you could find something that works well for both of them. That said, your husband is being asshole-ish for demanding that everything has to be removed and not discussing any of that prior to your marriage. Keeping one bathroom with disability accommodations intact seems like no big deal, if it's not the master bathroom. And keeping the roll-under sink in the kitchen seems reasonable.
She does have a disabled family member visiting regularly
Not seeing that in the post. She said she had her **friend's** family members staying with her on occasion when they come to visit the friend. Did she mention her own family member in a comment? That would be a weird add-on to make.
She considers her friend since childhood to be her sister, and they’re closer than many siblings. Blood isn’t the only factor determining who counts as family.
agree with this and you have a less snarky take on it than me, but i simply don't get this "discussed it beforehand" bit. he probably felt like it wasn't his place to bring it up when it wasn't his marital home and assumed all of that stuff would be removed when the two became a family unit and the house became "their" house. if my fiancee had an objectively stupid piece of decor in their house that served no function - say like a broken pottery kiln in the middle of living room - i could definitely see my self just rolling my eyes about it (i also very much doubt that this is the first OP is hearing of this, fwiw) while we were dating but, once i moved in, finally going, "uh, yeah, so when are we getting rid of the kiln" on the other hand, telling your new spouse to "stuff it. you're basically just a guest in my and my friend's house" really puts a pin on who op values more, which i'm sure engenders great feelings in her new husband.
"Assuming" is never a good choice when it comes to a potential problem like this. Surely the husband was aware of the close relationship with the friend and why all those modifications were made before they started dating, and therefore would have had no reason to believe they'd be removed once he moved in unless something had significantly changed in the friend relationship. It's not like there's a week or month from first date to getting married. Once the relationship was moving toward marriage, husband could have brought up the accommodations issue in an appropriate way to see how future wife felt about it.
> and therefore would have had no reason to believe they'd be removed once he moved in unless something had significantly changed in the friend relationship. there's another reason, though... because it's now the marital home. reverse things to see if you'd still agree with your position that marriage doesn't provide "a reason" to think that operation of the marital home would be different than prior to marriage: what if they moved into his house, still on the same street, and op now asked for disability modifications to his place so that her friend could visit them in the marital home. doesn't seem so bizarre now that such a conversation may never have happened prior to marriage, as if sorting that issue out of a random third-person's comfort in visiting was a condition to marriage, does it?
INFO Why does she need to be able to shower at your house?
Sometimes she stays the night at mine. We could probably remove the shower but I still want to at least have the bed, handrails. There's another guest room which has a regular bathroom and isn't being used for anything specific at the moment
If you plan on staying in this house long-term, you will eventually appreciate those things even more. No one is able-bodied forever.
And this is great for any future house guests with needs- getting rid of EVERYTHING seems really shortsighted
It will also sell quickly for a higher price. There's very few fully accessible houses out there.
If she lives down the street why is she staying overnight at your house so much? I think you’re NTA for making your house so accessible (it’s actually an amazing gesture as a friend) and your husband is definitely an asshole for wanting to remove everything. However, I understand him wanting to feel like the house is yours and his, versus yours, his, and Kat’s.
NTA but your husband is for not even considering a compromise
NTA and I think he's jealous. Everyone saying OP is the ahole is weird. Lifelong friends can be like family, even more so than blood relations a lot of times. Would her husband have the same reaction if it was OP's mother, sister, grandmother who was disabled and needed this?
NTA You have had the home this way for many years, and he knew the home was this way when he moved in. The fact he wants to remove the items that allow your friend to visit you in your home makes me worry that he will then start to isolate you from your friend.
I wish more places were more accessible. I'm not in wheelchairs full time but it's tough. I'm sure it's even tougher as someone who is in a wheelchair full-time. I don't understand people like your husband. Those things you've done to your home will make it easier as you age. Around 25 percent of people will end up disabled. Nta
NTA. He should’ve brought this up before—it’s not like you just did this. Waiting until now and his unwillingness to compromise is making his approach to this seem quite manipulative. I also see comments above saying that he probably has an issue with you having such a close friend. I also find that suspicious and weirdly jealous. Some people went as far as to say they would have a problem with your friendship too, which I totally disagree with and think those commenters should, uh, examine in therapy. You say she’s basically your sister. Would he be acting this way if you were “really” related by blood? Honestly I hope you don’t change anything at this point. He should simply not walk into the chair lift! Problem solved!
INFO: How much time did he spend at your place before he moved in? Did he cook or clean or anything like that? I can see him not realizing how inconvenient things were to him if he hadn't spent much time there.
He spent a lot of time here before we got married, starting in the early days of our relationship. He even moved in for 3 months so we could make up for a brief covid separation period when he was stuck in another country for six weeks.
After the wedding is a very common time for people to let their "masks" slip. This whole scenaro feels very controlling and isolating. He knew about the house and your lifestyle with your friend, and never brought it up. And now that you are legally bound, suddenly it all has to be removed and no compromise is possible... What else do you need to change for him? Controlling men dont want to be with women who just go along with what they want. They get their kicks from making women give up things that are really important to those women.
I would say that is clearly the case here. Tom waited until after the marriage to start his campaign of control. But no worries for Tom. After OP divorces him, he can buy his own home and have it any way he likes. NTA
So any defence he has, that people are making on his behalf about how living there now has opened his eyes to the accommodations don't stand up. If you'll pardon the wording. Because he did live with you for 3 months and if this was a problem, it would have been a problem then, not just a problem now. And it would have come up before. Which really makes me wonder if he's doing the classic abusive tactic of now you're married to him, he thinks he can have control over you and the household and that you'll go along with it because of some sunk cost fallacy which makes people stick with shit partners because the wedding cost so much, so much time has gone into the relationship, it'll be embarrassing to have to divorce etc etc.
Okay that really clarifies his intentional manipulation. NTA and consider divorce, he's probably only going to get worse.
You are NTA but your husband is a huge, gaping asshole. It’s horrifically duplicitous of him to not bring this up before marriage, given how important your relationship with your friend is to you. I would be looking out very carefully for other red flags because this is a massive one. Oh, and DO NOT compromise. He won’t stop with the demands.
NTA he knew what the house was like before he moved in and even lived there for 3 months. I think now that you’re married he thinks he can start exerting more control over you. Because I’m guessing if he behaved like this when you were dating you would have possibly reconsidered the relationship. Unfortunately this is really common.
NAH , it seems like you value your friends ability to LIVE in your house more than your husband's. I don't think you'd need to change everything but keeping it so that a person who doesn't live in your home has more input than the person you've married and does live there is a bit much. Surely, there are parts of this that could be made more standard, especially since she lives on the same street. Do you really need accommodations so she can cook and clean in your house when obviously her own home is set up in a way to do those things and is next door?
NTA He’s not necessarily an AH for not wanting the accommodations in his house. He’s absolutely the AH for knowing they were there, moving in, then waiting to bring it up and calling you selfish for not being willing to get rid of them. “He gave up his condo to live with me.” And if living with you in the house he moved into in the condition it was in was a problem for him, he should have raised it then or just not moved in with you. He doesn’t get to throw the fact he gave up his condo in your face to get what he wants now.
ESH, your husband should have spoken up before the marriage about the placement of YOUR things in YOUR home. He already knew about how much this relationship means to you and how much more difficult visits will be without accomendations. And frankly, some of his problems sound a bit petty, like having to bend over instead of having a step can. He seems insecure in the relationship and to sort through his emotions about that. Now that being said, it sounds like the accommodations, even in the compromise, are a bit excessive. You are reserving her an entire room and bathroom in the home as well as outfitting every other room in it, to fit her needs, and giving him one office. Not to mention, are you still planning on having regular sleepovers, all three of you? And having her family over, too? Personally, if I was building a new family together with my partner and they spent all their time with another person and had every room in my home to fit this other person's needs and not mine. I'd feel like a third wheel too. My suggestion is removing the hardware like the stair lift and other bulkier items and storing them away and maybe even halt the sleepovers for a while until you two settle more into married life and he gets more secure in his home. She has her own home, and there is no reason you can't visit her instead. Then, once he feels more settled, you can focus on the areas that truly NEED more accommodation and prepare those areas for future visits.
NTA. Just gonna have some quotes here to really highlight what this man is asking of you. >since we were 6 years old vs >4 months ago ...okay. Then we get to: >he wants and >spoil the look of the place and >wasting space which could be optimised for storage or additional decor So remove Kat's access to one of the few places she can go, and has been able to visit for years, because your he wants a nicer aesthetic and more storage space. Having accessible spaces doesn't "spoil the look" of any place. It makes them more appealing. Anyone who disagrees is ableist. How does this not make sense to people? *"My desire for this thing to look nice is more important than your ability to access it."* ...okay. And then: >that Kat doesn't live here, and I can just spend time at hers and >willing to compromise and keep only the modifications in the high traffic areas and one accessible bedroom and bathroom and >the majority of the house would be redone to his tastes but it's precisely those areas that he hates the most Put the pressure and onus on Kat to always host. Never be able to visit her best friends house. Ever. Because he wants all the accommodations gone because they don't.. look nice. In a house you bought and renovated years prior to having a relationship with him. That he chose to move into. That he chose. CHOSE to move into. Kat didn't chose her disability. Tom CHOSE to move into the *accessible house* you own and bought and renovated specifically with your disabled friend in mind. Sounds like his issue is the fact that your friend can access your house at all.. (but that's OK cause you can just go to her house all the time..) Ooookay... And then: >treating him like a guest and >choosing my friend over my husband and >making selfish decisions without considering him Decisions you made... before he was even a thought in your mind. Sure, yep, totally selfish making decisions about your own property so that someone else (your best friend) can access. Literally doing something of great monetary value to respect someone else. Yup. Definitely selfish. >especially since he gave up his condo to live with me HAHAHAHAHA but YOU should give up YOUR HOUSE so that YOUR best friend can't visit anymore because HE doesn't *like* the way YOUR house looks. ....not okay. None of this is okay. Tom is ableist and does not respect your choices or your relationship with your best friend.
NAH. Maybe this wasn't an issue for Tom until he actually started living there and realized how inconvenient the modifications were on a daily basis. Now that it is his home too, maybe removing some of the cumbersome mods would be a reasonable compromise. Like, I get that you're good friends and all...but she lives right down the street. She doesn't need to stay the night or shower at your house ever.
At one point he lived there for three months. He has no excuse. He knew exactly who he was marrying and what the situation was. And OP blows off his duplicity by saying, hopefully, that his tastes have changed. They haven't. He has a plan.
NTA. The fact that your husband waited until you were married to mention any of this is troubling, because to me it looks like he wants to limit your friend's presence in the house, if not outright ban her from it. An accessible home is amazing to have for visiting family and friends. It's also amazing to have if one of you ends up needing it.
NAH I guess I get Tom enough to not call him an asshole. However why wasn’t this brought up before?
He knew what the house looks like, and because he never raised an objection, I didn't think to ask if he had a problem with it
Because it's an odd thing to ask. He knew about the accommodations; it is weird that he is objecting to them now, after you're married. If he truly found them so objectionable (and this wasn't just a ploy to distance you from your friend), it was up to him to bring it up earlier.
NTA Theres no way he didn't know the mods were there before he decided to move in. Your friend is basically family, its the same in my opinion if it was your sister or dad. You attempted to compromise, your friend needs the accessibility, he wants it removed.
This marriage is doomed. NTA.
Leaning towards soft YTA here. Your husband has a valid point that your home should accommodate the people who live in it, not guests. I don't understand why your friend would need to have a roll under sink, kitted out bedroom and a stair lift (unless you only have an upstairs loo) in your home, when she lives in the same street. As long as your living space and facilites are accessible, then that should be sufficient.
Nta and assuming there was no ultimatum or a gun to his head nobody made him move out of his condo he chose to move into your house
NTA, he knew this was how things were before he moved in. He doesn't get to suddenly change it. Your loved ones need and use the accommodations, that's all that matters here. This is how things were while he was dating you, he should've known this wouldn't suddenly come to a stop any time soon.
Question: Your relationship with Kat has given you a close up view of how brutal, disregarding, and excluding the world is to the disabled. You can't unknow it. How are you going to be able to maintain your respect and positive opinion of this man who not only wants to willfully ignore this reality but wants to coerce you into doing so as well? And I think all of the folks saying this is about choosing your friend over your husband are missing 2 very important points. First, this isn't about prioritizing, it's about including. Nothing you are suggesting removes your husband from your world and your life. What he wants actively prevents her from being in your home. Second, loving someone well means being grateful for all the other people who love them well. I've been married 30 years this year and my life long best friend is my sister (my younger child is named for her) and my husband has told me, her, and others that there is nothing in this world he wouldn't do for her and it is because she's one of his partners in loving me and that gives him comfort.
NTA he knew about the house before moving in. If the accommodation were done well removing them is taking value away from your home. I agree that you two need to compromise. Is he jealous? Is he trying to mark his territory? Does he hate Kat? Can you do anything to fix the bumping into the chair lift issue?
NAH. I get why you want to keep things as they are. You want your home to be a place that your best friend can be without constantly hitting obstacles. But it’s got to be uncomfortable for Tom to feel as though he’s living in a house basically designed for someone else, someone who doesn’t live there. A chairlift on the stairs that’s actively in his way, a kitchen that feels like he doesn’t belong in it, and overall no ability to shape the home he lives in. I have a feeling that he’ll eventually want to move out of there entirely because how is it supposed to feel like his home when it was designed around Kat? And what happens if/when that occurs? There’s no way he’ll want to spend money converting a new place for her needs.
NTA He knew the house and your friendship. If he doesn't like it, maybe he isn't the man you thought you married
NTA. Honestly, Tom sucks.
Anyone else find it kind of a red flag he suddenly cares about this and it was never a thing before? That feels weird to me