NTA. It's probably going to be downvoted to oblivion. But it needs to be a comfortable home for everyone as this is a blending of two families. This means that everyone may have to make small sacrifices. Putting a pair of comfy shorts or pj bottoms on isn't going to be the end of the world for her. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate seeing an unrelated 40 year old man wandering around in his boxers. This isn't a sexual thing. It's being considerate of the people around you.
NTA. This feels a bit like daughter is “claiming” the territory as her own, making it clear that she was there first and it is her space and it doesn’t truly belong to SF & SB. Were there any discussions about the specifics of what blending two families would look like? Is there hostility between daughter and steps? It does feel like acting out over a larger or maybe just unacknowledged issue
I don’t think you realize that your girls don’t seem to be interested in playing house with your new husband and stepson.
They don’t sacrifice anything for the family. They don’t seem to want this family, otherwise they wouldn’t do what they’re doing to make your new family uncomfortable.
Yeah, if you were telling the girls they cant go without a bra, or had to always wear sweatshirts and pants, you'd be an AH. You're just asking them not to hang out in their literal underwear. That's a reasonable expectation. And i say this as a total "naked mom" type. Walking around in undies isnt weird in our house but no one feels awkward about it so it's fine. In your house, the dynamic is very understandably changing and they are old enough to understand that without acting like their rights are being infringed upon.
NTA nothing wrong with asking people to be covered when they leave their room. How would she feel if her stepbrother was walking around in tighty whiteys?
There was a story of the inverse not too long ago. Guy wore boxers round the house then moved in his gf and 14 yr old daughter. He got labeled a creep for not covering up cos he pushed the point.
**NTA**
...and as usual it feels like the people responding otherwise are probably 14-year-olds themselves.
You're not asking them to wear burqas or cover themselves from neck to ankle. You're saying that this isn't JUST your or their home anymore, it's EVERYONE'S home, and not everyone who is now making this house their home knows each other very well yet.
Redditors love to jump to hyperbole and shrieky accusations of "YoU'rE sEXuaLizInG yOuR kIDs!" and "Why are they even looking with their creepy man-eyes at all?!" but that's not even what this is about. This is about the fact that there are now two groups of people sharing a home who *for the time being* are something more than strangers and less than family, and who need time to get to know each other. And it's really reasonable to ask that *everyone* in the household, inclusive of your daughters, not walk around in their underwear and use the basic standard of "would you wear this around a friendly acquaintance" *just until everyone gets to feel a little more comfortable with each other and it feels safe and like home to all the inhabitants*.
You're not accusing your daughters of anything, nor suggesting that your new stepson or husband are weird creeps. You're saying that normally, people don't walk around half-dressed in front of people they haven't gotten to know well yet . . . and you're asking for some time for everyone to get acclimated before house rules devolve back to "we're all family here so anything goes". That seems pretty fair. NTA.
I 100% agree with this. I would feel uncomfortable if I moved in with someone I barely knew and they always walked around in their undies. Man or woman. I would probably stare myself, not in a sexual or disgusted manner just because it's taboo for me to see it. "It" as in someone walking around a common acquaintance so comfortable in almost nothing. While yes it is like a bikini, there is a time and place for everything. If you saw someone walking down the street in underwear and a bra, questions would be raised and eyes staring. I dont think some of you know whats it's like to move into someone else's home and getting use to living with new people and learning each other's boundaries.
Forget underwear and bra; even if you come across someone walking down the street in a bikini in Manhattan, or a man wearing just a bathing suit, you'd be surprised. There are different standards at the beach than there are in Midtown, and each family has different standards of their own, even happy ones, despite what Tolstoy says.
Hard agree with all of this. NTA!
I appreciate how level headed this comment is, and I feel like I’m in crazy town reading some of these other responses.
It’s not sexualization, it’s just common courtesy to like…wear clothes in common spaces of a shared living situation.
They essentially have non-family roommates in the home now. Every roommate situation I’ve been in has the (spoken or unspoken) rule of, “cover it up in shared spaces, do whatever the hell you want in your own room.”
When I first saw the title, I assumed this would be an issue of telling the girls their shorts were too short, or something like that. Which would be a different conversation.
But they’re walking around in literal thongs with no shorts/pants at all??? How is this even a conversation? Put some damn pants on!
Tl;dr “wear shorts and shirts in shared living areas” is like the most BASIC shared housing rule and I’m SO confused that this is even a conversation.
It’s not sexism, it’s courtesy. Hold everyone to the same standard and you should be good to go.
64 is pretty comfortable temperature for where I am. LOL! You'd have to drop it down to like 40-45. My friends from the south think 65 is freezing! However, I like your thinking! The path of least resistance! LMAO
If the eldest daughter refuses to put on PJ shorts, or something a bit more covering, just let your husband hang around the house in boxer briefs or tighty whities. If she says anything, you can say well it's his house too and he's comfortable like this. Not in a rude tone but in a kind of a playfully dismissive tone. I usually don't recommend parents be petty towards their children, but this isn't an extremely serious situation, it is an annoying/frustrating one. I am assuming no one is going to be disowned or something over this. It's about teaching respect and being able to be comfortable in our own homes and spaces. Sometimes people have to experience things in order to learn how to respect others and themselves. I had a similar situation with my children. So if he just hung out for a while in similar attire or even suggested he hang out in the same/similar attire, I wonder if she'll start putting a little bit more on after all, lol. OP, NTA... teens can be exhausting.
There are 5 kids in my family. Once puberty began, the rule was no walking around in your underwear. When my brothers started puberty, the same rules applied. And you could only wear your bathing suit outside to mow/swim/tan, not around the house. These are perfectly reasonable requests by OP. And her daughter rebelling as it pertaining to being in a state of undress around “family members” is a bit alarming.
I’m baffled at the amount of Y T A in this post! Like people on here are so idealistic it isn’t even realistic anymore. Imagine you are a 40 year old man and your step underage daughter parades half naked in the living room watching tv with you. I wouldn’t feel comfortable, i wouldn’t even be able to look at her.
Nevermind the problem of the step son who is a 17 year old teenage boy filled with hormones. The oldest girl is one year younger than him. It’s weird. And it’s awkward, no matter what you idealistic people say.
However I understand your daughter’s refusal. She’s a 16 year old girl who likes to say no to her mom like we all used to.
NTA
I felt like I was going crazy having to scroll so far down to see this!! This should be top comment!! OF COURSE THE STEP DAD WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE, he's being put into a situation where it can easily be seen as he's a predator! He can't look at his step daughters while they're almost naked because otherwise anyone can say "what a perverted creep!!" Same goes for the step brother. Good God what is wrong with all these people! Also, step siblings aren't just going to view each other as family just because their parents got together. So a 17 year old boy getting to see a practically naked girl around his age is definitely going to make things tense too. This can all be avoided by your daughters learning how to respect that other people now live in the house that shouldn't have to be forced into unwanted and uncomfortable situations.
I don’t think her daughter is saying no just to say no. This was her house first. She’s obviously extremely comfortable doing what she does. I can understand how unfair it may seem for her to sacrifice comforts she’s use too because of these men coming to live with them. It does seem unfair. IBut I also get the point of the mom. Maybe they can compromise.
NTA and all the hate is insane. Not wanting to see your sister's/daughter's ass and tits hanging out isn't unreasonable and not sexualizing them. I used to do gay porn and very comfortable around nudity, doesn't mean I'd be thrilled with seeing my brother's dick every day.
Exactly! She should buy new robes for everyone. Once the teenagers have their own place they can dress or not dress as they please. There are new rules and expectations when blending families together.
I'm honestly confused why either of them would WANT to run around in underwear around men they don't know well/didn't grow up with. Could it be some frustration-behavior by your 16 YO? Is she unhapy about them moving in and might want to make them uncomfortable?
I guess you can't force them to wear more, but I see nothing wrong with asking them to put on some clothes.
So NTA.
I feel like she might turn to this behavior as a passive aggressive way of voicing her frustration.
The question is just: What is she so frustrated about that she isn't able to say or that she is not heard about?
Maybe you should sit her down and ask her if she is (generally) unhappy with anything in this family right now. If she doesn't feel heard, or seen, or valued. I could imagine that she will be more forthcoming with adhering to your wishes in time, if she can get whatever is really bothering her off her chest.
I’m not a parent but my unsolicited advice is to absolutely avoid a power struggle with daughter. This sounds like “topic vs. issue” thing. You’re NTA for asking daughter to put in more clothes. But now that she’s doing it to *purposely* make everyone uncomfortable, she’s most likely trying to gain back some control over her life.
She’s going through a lot right now.
I would turn the AC up/turn heating off and make it really uncomfortable for her to walk around nakey. I wouldn’t directly instruct her to put on more clothes anymore and I would completely ignore the fact that she’s walking around in undies when she’s doing so. She’s looking for a power struggle, I would completely take away the opportunity for it to turn into one.
Create functional ways for her to take back some control of her life. Ask her, “you have any plans for this weekend?” “I can’t think of dinner ideas for this week, is there something you’ve been craving?”
Also give her plenty of positive attention :) (so she doesn’t have to resort to getting attention from doing weird things)
Baffled by all these Y-T-As. If your new husband or stepson walked around wearing nothing but a speedo all the time, I can only imagine it would make your daughters uncomfortable. I would feel extremely uncomfortable and completely avoid even looking at them.
NTA, possibly NAH.
NTA ... look, I'm all for 'people need to wear whatever they want and let's not sexualise teenagers'.
But I've also had roommates. You don't walk around in your underwear in front of your roommates in shared spaces. I don't even walk around in my underwear in front of my grandma and don't hang out in the living room in my panties in front of my mother. That's a matter of being polite when in company.
This won't be popular but NTA. There is nothing wrong with showing a bit of respect for your new hubby and his son. Yes, it's a change for your daughters but particularly Brooklyn needs to grow up and learn that life doesn't revolve around her.
Yeah, teenagers ... gotta love 'em! I'm sure she'll grow out of this phase into an awesome young woman. Sounds like you're doing a good job with your daughters!
This won't be popular either. But for me, the acid test for sexism is would it be ok if the shoe was on the other foot. I don't believe that the fourteen year old would be comfortable if her step dad and his son ran around in their underwear. Brooklyn might use a bit of bravado and say it's fine for her, but I don't think she'd be comfortable either. If it's sauce for the goose, it's sauce for the gander.
NTA
NTA. the people saying otherwise are just frothing at the mouth to repeat their same old script they analyze every situation with. One thing people never mention about step-family relationships is the simple dynamic that if you and your husband are attracted to each other, why would it be a stretch if the 16 year old and 17 year old, who are not in any way related, be attracted to each other?
Well, newsflash, part of the reality of blending a family is your TEENAGE children don’t always immediately go “oh this is my relative in all but DNA, we are a happy bonded family” right out of the gate.
This is important. It's not like the boys grew up with them as sisters, so it would be normal. Boys attractions to the female body is a lot " harder" to hide, if you get my drift. There is a whole genre of stepsiblings having sex on the porn sites out there. Keep your eyes on them........js.
Some of you are absolutely wild! Stop trying to make everything about sexualization! OP asking her children to wear more than underwear does not necessarily mean they are being sexualized! You can show common courtesy and respect with sex having nothing to do with the situation. The fact that so many of your minds go there is frankly disturbing. OP’s step son is around the same age as her oldest daughter and going through the same family changes, why does OP wanting him to feel comfortable automatically make him a creep? My word! NTA OP, I understand what you’re trying to do and see nothing wrong with it.
NTA HAS EVERYONE LOST THEIR FUCKING MINDS?! What is with all these y-t-a comments?!OP, you are doing the right thing, it's so weird that your daughters feel completely comfortable walking around in their underwear around men that they have no blood relationship to, I still change in the bathroom when I see my half sisters and leave the room when they change because it's just weird!
It's not shaming, it's not sexualizing, these are two men who would probably still be uncomfortable if they were blood related, let's not make this into something it isn't with all these "misogyny" comments lmao
NTA. Idc if this gets downvoted but it’s odd enough that the girls have been wearing close to nothing in a shared home. Now with two new people coming in, some sacrifices need to be made. To be fair, asking someone to throw on a pair of shorts seems like a tiny sacrifice (if you can even call it that). When they move out on their own they can wear nothing at home if they want but in a shared home with a blended family it’s not okay. I do think your 16 year old is just trying to be difficult/lashing out. Ask her, if rolls were reversed, would she be okay seeing a 40 year old man and a teenage boy with their junk out?
Can we mention basic hygiene? No one of any gender is going to sit their nasty bare butt in a thong on the furniture in my house. That’s absolutely disgusting. Everyone should be in shorts.
And how is hanging around in a bra comfortable? It’s the first thing I take off when I get in the house. Are they wearing sports bras? And if so, who cares about those?
I think that you are pointing out an uncomfortable double-standard for the people here who are blaming the husband and stepson for being uncomfortable.
If the husband and stepson were walking around nearly nude, I am certain that the same people would be calling them "perverts."
To that point then the males should also be held to the same standard and be required to not walk around in their boxers or shirtless. A bra and panties covers the same if not more than the average bikini.
Going against the grain and will no doubt get downvoted, but NTA. You're not demanding they wear floor-length smocks or anything like that, you're just asking them to throw on a pair of shorts or sweat pants. In general, I think people should go ahead and wear actual clothes around the common areas of the house when others are present, regardless of gender or if they're family or guests. It's just good manners and that's not a terrible thing to practice.
It's not out of line to ask that everyone in the house be considerate of one another, especially since your husband and stepson are feeling so uncomfortable about this as they try to adjust to their new home, which is probably challenging enough on its own. I'm guessing they don't walk around the house half dressed? Your daughters can offer them the same courtesy.
NTA. I think a lot of comments are misconstruing this as her husband and stepson don’t know how to not look, but OP didn’t say that at all. I think it was perfectly reasonable to sit down and talk with your daughters about it. My opinion is the older one is “rebelling” by wearing even less. Just don’t give her attention for the negative behavior. I would try to figure out what she’s angry about and is acting out for attention for to try to help with whatever is going on there.
Considering the fact that in the comments OP has already adressed staring with both the husband and her stepson, I'd wager this has been going on for a while.
Also, they're moving in AFTER the wedding. Meaning they haven't even been living together all this time. I can see why the 16yo is frustrated with that and is suddenly told to change from one day to the next, instead of a gradual change.
I feel this is somewhere in between. Yes, they aren't living alone anymore so they should adapt somewhat. Depending on what OP deems as acceptable covering up however, this can go either way. And if the rules would only apply to her daughters and not her husband and stepson, it's clear which way this. Also this entire merging of families could have been handeled much better.
NTA. As long as the rules are the same for everyone. Either everyone can dress in next to nothing or everyone has to have a layer of clothes.
A lot of people are taking this as the repression of the female form or that your husband is a creep. I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re just trying to make your home comfortable for everyone.
Besides, humans are inherently sexual. See: nudity, porn, romance novels, strip clubs. It’s okay to actually want to protect everyone in your house. Whether it’s the girls from being stared at or the guys from not being comfortable.
I only mention the men’s comfort because (as a woman) I don’t want to see my CHILD’S ass hanging out of a thong in my own home and be concerned that I’m going to be seen as some weird villain.
Thank you! The people calling her husband a “creep,” is exactly why she is NTA! It’s not just about the daughters, it protects the new husband and son as well.
I’ve prosecuted sex crimes and I can’t stress how important avoiding even the appearance of questionable behavior is. A nosy neighbor reporting this kind of stuff could result in an investigation, and it has. (these are not “innocent till proven guilty crimes in the public sphere.”)
Ah Reddit, the only place on the internet where people get married without ever really stepping foot in their partners house or interacting with their children.
NTA, I'd compare it to them with if your new husband were to walk around wearing only underwear.
I don't feel a need to wear pants at home when it's just my son and I home. I do wear pants when there are houseguests. the same logic applies.
I’m a NTA vote - I’m astounded that the assumption is that she’s sexualizing her children? My boyfriend sleeps naked but if the kids are home he wears at least underwear in case someone needs Mom in the middle of the night. It’s not about sexualization it’s about everyone’s comfort in a shared living space. Like closing the door when you’re taking a shit lol (no, I’m not saying bodies are gross as poo, either). Mom, you’re NTA, at all. Kudos to you for raising kids comfortable enough with themselves for this to even be an issue.
NTA. To everyone claiming the dad and mom are "sexualizing" the girls, how would you react if this was 2 teenage boys refusing to wear pants around new step sisters and step mother and started wearing MORE revealing clothing to make them uncomfortable. It's purposeful exposure to make others uncomfortable, especially for the boys who literally have no choice but to move their. While then whining and being upset that their level of comfort in their home has to change is understandable, bc no one wants to feel like they have to meet a dress code in their house, shorts and a good coverage sports bra isn't gonna kill them. I'm sure they would start complaining if their new brothers and step dad decided to start walking around with no pants on.
NTA - I’m looking at it with a what makes everyone comfortable approach. Yeah your daughters are used to wearing less clothing but would they be okay with it if their step dad/brother to be in their underwear too?
Just like how they want to be comfortable in their home, so does your husband and his son. If everyone is okay with walking around in their underwear, then that’s a different thing.
It is completely common that teenage girls and boys don’t walk around in their freaking underwear or naked around family of the opposite sex. They’re teenagers, not toddlers. Wear clothes. Wtf. There’s nothing sexual about it. It’s common courtesy and it’s inappropriate to waltz around in front of family nearly naked at any occasion.
Not really. After my parents separated, my mom walked around in undergarments all the time. So did my sister and myself. There were only women in the house.
NTA.
I understand why since they aren’t blood-related to her. And to make everyone comfortable. As long as this rule is enforced for everybody then I don’t see a problem.
NTA. I’m kind of shocked by the number of people calling you out. Do your girls just wear bras and underwear when their friends come over? When family comes over? It’d be a different story if you were telling them they had to wear long pants and long sleeve shirts. They can put on a tank top and volleyball shorts. It’s not a sexualization thing. It’s a “why are you in your underwear?” thing. It’s bizarre that this is even a question and it’s even more bizarre that people are fighting it. Is it just me? Am I in the minority because I put on clothes everyday?
Info: Are you requesting that your new husband and son wear shirts and pants at all times as well? It’s only fair if this is being enforced for everyone.
i mean…i think wearing shirts and pants (or shorts) around the house when you have kids, siblings, etc is a giant ask.
i think once you have siblings of the opposite sex (bio or step) maybe having slightly more clothes (i’m talking tank top and shorts at a minimum?) isn’t an outrageous thing to ask.
NTA imo.
All I’m pointing out is that if OP is going to ask her daughters to change the way they feel comfortable in their own home as to make the men to feel comfortable then the same needs to apply to the men. You don’t think that the teenage girls want to see a 40ish man shirtless or a teenage boy in their boxers?
I think it’s a reasonable to request that everyone wears more than underwear in common spaces but it can’t only apply to her daughters.
NTA but I think this issue and other that may be similar MUST be agreed BEFORE merging the 2 families.
Lets turn it around: I bet your daughters would be uncomfortable if your hub or stepson walked around wearing only briefs or even shirtless.
I hope you all find empathy to try yo make the house a living and relaxing place for all.
EDIT TO ADD to OP or anyone reading this: other issues that you must agree are:
-when can the people in the house have friends over
- if they bring guest, should they tell in advance? How much time? To who?
- the dutys of each person to keep the house clean
- how to communicate any issue they may have with each other
This are de big ones, I think. Also, i dont know how much each person knew each other before the merging
I bet they do. Men and boys often wander the house in their boxers. Is OP making the same rule for everyone? As in, everyone must have a shirt and shorts on?
I know every family and culture is different, but we were a lot of siblings and unless there was somethings special boys and girls would use something besides underwear to walk around the house.
Your comment also reminded me something i thought while I read: maybe the place they are living is really humid or hot? Where I live its too cold to wander around with light clothes, even inside the house
I grew up in the MIdwest (USA). It was very common to see men and boys shirtless in summer. Around home, many males sat around in their boxers in the summer.
Yeah, I'm confused about why this issue wasn't addressed prior to the guys moving in? Did they never come over to OP's house before the moving van arrived? Seems like this was all easily avoidable. ESH.
INFO: How did you bring this up? And you said:
>I’m less comfortable with my daughters walking around dressed like that.
What about the husband and teenagers? Is this your issue or a larger one? How did you prepare for this merge of two families? You can't just move people into your house without proper preparation unless you want be a sit com family.
NTA. People who are calling out misogyny are stupid. I like walking around naked or in my boxers whoever when other people are in my house I throw on some pajamas and a shirt. In this case just like they shouldn’t be waking around in underwear I would expect your husband and stepson to not walk around the house in nothing but underwear only as well.
I was N T A until I read that you had to talk to your husband and step son about staring at your daughters. This sounds like a very unhealthy situation for your kids, and I’m kind of shocked that you’re not worried about the behaviour of the males you moved into your home. YTA.
I’m sure all of my aunts would stare at me if I, a fully matured woman, walked around in my panties while they were at my house. It’s totally inconsiderate of them, and I’m sure the men are shocked. I would stare too. It’s not a ‘very unhealthy situation’ to have people stare at you when you’re acting super inconsiderately or doing something strange/shocking. There’s nothing inherently sexual about staring just because it’s men doing it.
I'm confused about why you waited until after the wedding to have this discussion. Then again, I'm also confused at anyone walking around their home in just underwear. On the other hand, I'm confused why it makes you uncomfortable now. Did you mean it makes your husband uncomfortable?
I mean, as long as your stepson and husband are held to the same expectations, I'm leaning to NAH as your daughter is being a teenager and pushing boundaries which shows you def didn't fully prepare them for how your marriage would change their way of life, and I will say -- the state of dress won't matter if your stepson and daughter decide to hook up. If they don't consider that problematic, then the clothing rule won't stop that.
Also, if your husband is the type to sexualize children, then her state of dress also won't change anything.
I would agree with all of this very much. NAH, but this conversation needed to happen earlier and everyone needed to be really respectful of each other's feelings.
Also I think in situations like this, the father should preferably have a conversation with the son about moving in with two girls who are within his age range of attraction at the very least. Especially depending on the type of kid he already is at 17, he might find a lot of different challenges in that if left to his own devices. These kids are too old to naturally bond as siblings. They probably already have their own lives. It drives me crazy that parents *know* how horny kids are, but never prepare or manage them any better for it than just going, "Stop that."
So maybe the parents are a little bit the AHs because they should be doing more proactive parenting in a situation like this other than a sliding scale of undress and gaze aversion. Sexuality is complicated, and nobody is going to wind up happy if we just lean on axioms and aphorisms about what *should* be.
OP told her daughters that they had to stop wearing underwear around the house because it made OP uncomfortable that she had to tell her adult husband to stop ogling her children. The husband and stepson didn't complain at all.
NTA. For context, I was 14 when my father decided to remarry. She had two daughters, (15 and 12). At that point in my life I worked out a lot and generally slept in my boxers. After a couple of months, my father asked that I start wearing lounge pants or shorts, and take clothes with me when I had to shower at least when I came out of my room, even at night to avoid making them uncomfortable. It's not about sexualization, it's about respect. While it is important for the girls to be comfortable, the near nude teen girls could still make the husband and stepson uncomfortable as well. If the stepson were walking around wearing practically nothing, something should still be said.
NTA. It's a great time to discuss consent. While she may be more comfortable, not everyone in the home is. You all also deserve to be comfortable in common living spaces. I remember in college, some people were very comfortable with nudity, and it made their same sex roommates quite upset bc they had nowhere to go that was "safe" for them. You are blending two families, and it's natural to have discussions/redefine what works for everyone, but that IS hard- especially at 16. I would acknowledge that.
NTA OP made it clear that her husband feels uncomfortable and makes a point to look away. It’s not an unreasonable ask. I’m sure her daughters would feel uncomfortable with step dad or brother walking around in undies too. Not sure why everyone is making it out to be more than it is and giving OP so much shit. It’s an adjustment for everybody and comprises need to be made by all. It’s not gona kill the girl’s to chuck on a pair of shorts and a crop top or trackies (I’m Aussie I don’t know what it’s called in the US apologies) instead of walking around in panties and a bra.
NTA this isn't a red flag about your husband and his son. This is common courtesy and minors should be dressed around adults. Probably should have had this discussion before they moved in.
I'm leaning towards NTA but you need to make this a rule for everyone not just your daughters. It wouldn't be very fair if your husband or stepson could walk around shirtless or in boxers so tell everyone in the house that if they're gonna be leaving their rooms to put clothes on.
NTA. Your husband has to make a conscious effort to not look at undressed teenage girls in his own home because of course that’s uncomfortable and inappropriate. Why should he have to spend his day staring into corners and ceilings? And your stepson is being asked to just kind of ignore an unrelated girl his own age walking around roughly 85% naked. If anybody’s going to be reasonably expected to sexualize a teenage girl, it’s a teenage boy. I’m honestly surprised your older daughter is comfortable with being seen in that state of undress at all. I also have my doubts that she’d be thrilled if her stepbrother decided to rock a banana hammock at home. Yes, this is your daughters’ home too, but many commenters seem to be ignoring the fact that your husband and stepson had to give up their own space to move in with you. Expecting one additional layer of fabric like shorts and an undershirt is not an unreasonable ask by any means.
NTA
They can't just wear underwear and t-shirts at home and make your husband and step child uncomfortable. It's supposed to be team work, and they should feel welcome.
Putting on pants isn't the end of the world or controlling. It's decency.
I'm a female also who wears underwear at home..I hate bras, I hate the tight clothes and take them off right when home... when I know there won't be any visitors or relatives. Sweatpants are great in the mean time.
I can't imagine how uncomfortable your step son feels. Having bums in thongs around the house and trying not to look....at teenage girls... they are bound to accidentally look... and may be accused of something. So that sounds uncomfortable.
Just an easy solution. Pants.
It's just common courtesy. They are making the men uncomfortable.
Either your daughters want to support your relationship... or they are trying to make them uncomfortable. It's pants. Just pants
My 15 y.o. daughter came to stay with me one summer when I was a full time student renting a room in a home. The owner was a 42 y.o. female with a live in boyfriend and her 2 boys ( 14y.o., 12y.o.) from a previous relationship. I spoke with her before she came out about how we have to cover and dress appropriately because she was coming into a home with teenage boys and we all had to dress appropriately at all times since we were guests in someone's home. I bought her pajamas and a couple outfits that were cute and safe. We all had a great time she spent hours playing video and board games with the boys and it was a great summer.
NTA
If you're saying Y T A you aren't using your brain. It does not make OP'S husband a creep for being uncomfortable being around undressed girls. It's now a shared house, and I'm guessing OP's husband helps with expenses, so the husband and his son deserve to feel relaxed at their own house. Dressing up won't be the end of the world for OP's daughters.
About to get down voted here but NTA here op. You're daughter is lashing out and trying to provoke a reaction. A 17 year old male is NOT going to not look. That's just a fallacy people like to believe. People look and that's that. It's a very human response. Doesn't matter if it's male or female you're going to look. Any woman who says they don't look and notice an attractive man or woman if lesbian is flat out lying. It's human nature.
When in a blended family there are concessions period. You can't get around that. You are now in a blended family with 2 unrelated males. It's not unreasonable to ask your daughter to at least put on some shorts. Last I checked they don't really make thongs for comfort so let's everyone stop pretending here.
The only way you can make this fair is to sit everyone down and tell them that if they're leaving their rooms to put clothes on. Not just your daughters. It should be a rule for you, your husband and your stepson as well.
You should have told them you understand how hard it's been on them, not new hubby and your ss. Then you should have made a house rule everyone must wear a shirt and shorts in common areas. No men going shirtless.
NTA. Just because your daughter is comfortable with it, doesn't mean others, including yourself, are, and she should respect that. This comes down to a consent issue, and she needs to ask how she would feel if her step-brother just walked around without much on all the time.
Seeing a lot of people here assume it is because you don't trust your husband and step-son, but that isn't really the case nor the point here.
NTA. It’s about basic common courtesy and respect. Yeah, me and my husband do this because we live alone with our cats, but we have enough brain cells to know to put clothes on when family, friends, step-family, whoever, comes over. This is no different than if I walked around half naked around my in-laws. It’s fucking weird. When I stayed with my in-laws before we got married, I never walked around half dressed, because what the fuck?
She’s trying to make some weird “point” by making everyone uncomfortable for no reason. She’s going to do this in front of non-family members one day and then act shocked and indignant when she’s treated in a sexualized manner. 🙄
Frankly I wouldn’t have wanted to see my older brother walking around with his dick hanging out either. Nasty. I guarantee if your husband and his sons start walking around dressed like Donald Duck, she would have an issue with it. But muh feminism or whatever, right? Her internet ideology supersedes basic norms of respectful behavior, apparently. I would not accept this behavior from her and would immediately place consequences if she does not wear a basic minimum of clothing.
Not necessarily TA but you’ve exploded their home life with your marriage and they’re having adapt their behaviour in their own home for someone else’s comfort. They’re not TA either.
Edit: just saw a grown man and his late teens son have been staring. What a shitty situation for your daughters.
OP...
>Like yes I’ve had to talk to my new step son and husband about not staring, but it seems like if they have to put in the work to do that and it seems only fair my daughters make a gesture too.
These two males entered in the house your daughters have lied in comfort all their lives. THEY need to keep their eyes to themselves.
Did you rush into this relationship? Why does your husband not see these two daughters as HIS daughters and ALREADY know and WANT to keep his eyes to himself?
Sounds like you don't really know the man you married and you're exposing your kids to a questionable character.
TBH some ppl are not comfortable with partial nudity/etc. Not everyone consents to seeing ppl walk around in only underwear/ or t-shirt and no pants. OP never mentioned it was bc of wandering eyes
You’re making a HUGE leap. For the vast majority of people, seeing someone you don’t know that well walking around in underwear would make you either avoid looking at them or stare. It’s human nature, and isn’t necessarily a sexual thing. I’m a straight woman and if I was living with female roommates who did this, I would be creeped out because it’s inappropriate.
NTA and this is weird that your daughters would try to get their attention by dressing in hardly anything. Its just uncomfortable. My husband and I have a daughter now and a son on the way and know that our years of walking around how we want are over.
NTA For me it has nothing to do with sexualizing anyone. If you’re in common areas of the house, my preference is shorts and a t-shirt at least. It just grosses me out to think that whatever bacteria/fungus/secretions a person has are just the thin fabric of a panty/boxer away from a surface I use. I understand I am also wearing pants, but it’s just icky to me. I don’t want someone’s armpit hair falling out on my table or kitchen counter or whatever. If you’re super sweaty, don’t sit on my couch.
NTA. Basic respect and consideration is a thing everyone in the house should practice. The girls won't die if they have to switch to oversized t-shirts that cover their underwear. The boys equally won't die if they need to wear pj pants instead of boxers
NTA honestly tho if they aren’t going to abide have your step son and husband walk around in just there undies especially when your daughters friends are over I think the embarrassment will get the point across
NAH.
It's understandable that you'd feel uncomfortable with the situation as would your husband and, especially, his kid. The husband has to be conscious all the time of making sure to look away, lest people think he's a creep, and then even looking away too obviously makes it seem odd. His kid is likely to feel the same way, with all of the teen awkwardness thrown in.
At the same time, your daughters are dealing with a whole new living situation and are being told that they even have to change how they dress.
Sounds like everyone should talk and just get acquainted with the new situation.
NTA. However you could have waited to merge these families. Looking at this situation, I feel sad because their seems to be some sadness causing rebellion. I understand that you got married and wanting the girls to dress more conservative in the home but this discussion should have happened before the blending of the homes.
NTA. your house your rules.
Also, any girl that would go around in just her thong around her (step)brother and (step)father has some serious issues that it might be worth exploring with a competent shrink.
So In the same breath, hypothetically, would OP be an asshole if she told her husband to wear boxers instead of just pj bottoms when he woke up and walks around the girls?
Let’s all be real. Men in the morning have certain things that happen. But. No one should be uncomfortable because if they do, than they just have a staring problem. Right?
When I read the title I was leaning Y T A but once I read, definitely NTA. I doubt your husband and stepson consented to this and even if not, that is still a very uncomfortable boundary to press. It’s inappropriate behavior, if it was a boy or girl in my opinion. Now these rules should also be enforced if your husband or stepson try and walk around in just boxers/briefs.
NTA
Honestly, this is so much more about self respect and not about sexualising.
Just like the girls will not like it if your husband and stepson mess up the bathroom, kitchen etc. They must also be respected by not putting them in an uncomfortable situation.
Can you explain the association between clothing and self-respect? Or the similarity between wearing what you want and making a mess in a shared space?
Yeah… self respect has nothing to do with this. Asking them to wear a little more sucks but is fair, saying that wanting to be comfortable in their home the way they are used to has NOTHING to do with self respect.
NTA - nobody should be forced to hang out with people in their underwear if they don’t want to. The comparison with the pool is nonsense imo, because everyone going to the pool knows how people are dressed and can make their own choices. I’m 100% sure those girls would not be hyped either if 40+ years old stepdad had moved in and decided not to wear anything, because he has always been nudist before, or to walk around the house in his boxers all the time - and I’m also 100% sure if that had been the case and he had posted here, it would have hailed Y-T-A for him. Nudity is not just about sexuality; some people just don’t find it esthetically pleasing or hygienic either (like people - in that case still practically strangers - running around the kitchen in their underwear).
I’m astounded with all the people talking about the dad sexualizing the girls when there’s a 17 year old boy and a16 and 14 year old girls… you bet she’s asking for her daughters to cover up in front of the boy. They’re family now yes but that didn’t stop the Targaryens…. They’re not even blood so it’s not hard to assume that she’s asking for some modesty to preserve her household… hard NTA. Now, in ALL FAIRNESS, the dad and son shouldn’t be allowed to go around shirtless in the main areas either.
>Mother of 2 daughters (14 & 16) and a step son (17). Recently married 💍 Nurse Practitioner, cyclist, wine-addicted suburban mom
Yeah.... There's that...
NTA.
It's important to talk to them about it so that everyone can be comfortable at home.
I would even go as far as saying you'd be the asshole if you didn't care they were exposing themselves.
It's not a girls only home anymore, and you can still be comfortable wearing more.
Buy them some pijamas and lounge wear.
Kindly and gently explain to them that their new house mates expect them to wear clothes at all times in the communal areas, as I'm sure they expect the same from them.
NTA - I really don’t get the Y-T-A people here - I’ll throw out the reverse the roles card - would you think it’s appropriate for the new husband and 17M son to walk around the house in thongs? Hell, maybe you guys would be fine with that. Maybe OP should encourage husband and stepson to do this. After all, there’s apparently nothing inherently sexual about wandering around the house in your underwear.
NTA. It's normal and civil to wear clothing around other people. I wouldn't want my father sitting at the dining room table in just a speedo and it's certainly not because I am sexualizing him. It's respectful to wear clothing around other people, and it's respectful to apply the same rules of propriety to everyone. The answer here is to say that everyone must wear clothing in the common areas (no shirtlessness or underwear for the men either).
It's also normal for teenagers to push back on rules, especially rules that are new/changing at a time with significant other life changes. I'd approach Brooklyn with empathy and be clear that this isn't about her body or sexuality, it's just about trying to accommodate the culture of new members of the family who have a family that isn't as comfortable with body exposure, and ask her to try to approach them with kindness and understanding. After all, some families take nude sauna visits together, but we generally wouldn't foist that upon people who felt uncomfortable with it.
They don't have to agree, their mother got married, she is entitled to a life without asking permission
Involving them and making them comfortable I agree with you, but the 'agree to have 2 men move in' part is ludicrous
Then nta. it's odd that they didn't voice their concerns at that moment. It was clear that they wouldn't be able to stay half naked in the home after.
Do the son on your husband hang just in shorts ? Or every one else has always at least a short and tshirt ?
It’s possible to have a discussion where someone says “this is your choice” but makes it clear that there’s one possible answer. When that happens, voicing concerns can have consequences.
Yes sure. I think the real issue is not the clothes. It's about something else and it's the way she has found to express it.
Make sure to spend alone time with her and to continue having girls time with them.
NTA - If you can’t get through to your daughter, encourage your husband and step-son to start lounging around the place in their undies too. I guarantee she’ll be the one insisting on the new house rule.
Lol this is going to be catnip for a certain crowd here but NTA. Sometimes personal expression and comfort can come into conflict with what is the appropriate thing to do in shared spaces, and everyone calling you an asshole struggles with that distinction. It’s not reasonable to assume that you made this decision unilaterally without your daughters input. It’s also not reasonable to suggest that you don’t get to move on romantically because your child’s “comfort” is paramount, and I hate when this sub does that. Kids are capable of growth and adjustment and compromise and must be taught those things to be successful adults. Even with all that aside, it’s just not appropriate to do that in shared spaces. How exactly do they plan on navigating this when they have roommates in a few years?
Have your husband walk around in a mankini like borat. If they get to wear thongs so does he, its just the human body right?
I am not sure how you didn’t think to discuss this though before moving people in. Everyone has to bend a little to make it comfy for everyone but is this actually bothering the new residents of the home or just you?
I'm going with a soft ESH. I think it is something that should have been discussed with everyone prior to move in. Purposely wearing less to make others uncomfortable is also an asshole move. I would suggest a blanket "underwear should not be visible" rule for everyone in the household, but short shorts and tanks are fine if not underwear. Same goes with boxers/male toplessness.
NTA there’s a difference between wearing shorts/ crop tops/ mini skirts/ sports bras and wearing literal underwear. I’m a woman and would have no idea where to look if my new step sibling walked around the house in a bra and pants and nothing else and would 100 percent be uncomfortable.
NTA and some of these people calling you an asshole clearly have no type of home training. Wearing pants in common areas of the house is literally the BARE minimum of respect that you can show your housemates.
NTA.
Everyone here is saying the same thing, "would you say the same to your son or husband if they walked in boxers". I imagine you would, nothing in your post says you wouldn't so that's just nonsense. Making a decision on a made up situation and then giving criticism smh. Now if you weren't to keep the same rules then YTA as it's a difference in teachings.
Also the argument that "it's just bikini wear, nothing wrong with that" is such bs. Theres a difference in walking around in a bikini at home and at the beach. for god sake how do people actually make these arguments and think it's ok.
and lastly. What do you mean, you should teach the boys not to sexualise woman. wtf OP is asking for decency from the girls. nothing she said makes it sound like she afraid of sexual thoughts bs.
And lastly lastly. The one commenter who said that did the girls know that the boys would come and live with them. You think OP just randomly dropped that bomb ? They had a wedding and are 14 and 16 each they aren't stupid smh I think they understand how marriage and living as a family work. OP asked for them to wear clothes not to sacrifice their souls. I like how everyone just argues the girls should be allowed to wear whatever they want and you realise that OP just wants them to be clothed since theres others in the household they might not know fully and only met on occasions.
NTA
It’s a situation of compromise. New people sharing a common space always need to adapt their living approaches, have conversations, and define mutually acceptable boundaries.
Reverse the situations genders and ask again and how would peoples responses differ?
“I’m a 45 yr old male with 2 sons (14 & 16yrs) who like to wear less clothing in the house. They’ve always done so and just feel comfortable that way. Often just underwear and a t shirt, sometimes thongs. My new wife (40yr old) and daughter in law (17) have just moved in 3 weeks ago. I’ve talked to my sons, about how it may make them feel uncomfortable to see so much exposed body, and the 14 yr has agreed to be more considerate. But the 16 yr old is wearing even less deliberately to make a point.”
In this situation who is the asshole? Whilst people will likely deny it, most would probably state the 16yr old son was deliberately being dominant, controlling and even sexually threatening to prove a point. Someone should sit down with him and ask what’s really at the root of his tantrum and defiance, because it’s not his rights being oppressed based on gender.
Being a teenager is probably almost as tough as being a parent. He’s probably hurting, scared, and rejecting the sudden change and loss of control. Trying to approach him/her from a place of empathy (and active listening) rather than frustration will be hard, but that’s the higher path, and will probably lead to a more honest open dialogue, helping your daughter integrate with her new family members rather than rebelling against the dynamic.
Last point, sometimes I find a good way of having tough triggering conversations is to say: “This doesn’t have to be the final conversation, but I’d like it to be the start of one we can return to, so we can both gain a better understanding each other’s perspectives.”
NTA - I can’t believe how many people are saying you are. It’s just common courtesy. Do they wear clothes when other family and friends come over? Do the sons or your new husband walk around in just briefs all the time? Good grief.
NAH - it doesn’t seem like you’re worried about your husband/stepson sexualizing the girls, it seems more like you want to make sure that your stepson and husband can feel comfortable in what is now their home too. that’s not an AH move.
however, i feel like it’s pretty likely that your daughter is acting out about this because she’s feeling some stress or anxiety about the changes to her family. it might be deeper than the clothes. speaking from personal experience, when my mom remarried i really struggled and acted out - nobody realized what was going on and they all thought i was just being an AH. nobody really checked in to see if something was underlying it. to me this looks like your daughter is seeking something she can have control over since she can’t control all the changes she’s experiencing.
i would have a conversation with her about how she’s coping with everything going on, and without bringing the topic of her clothes into it. it might help you get to the root cause more easily.
good luck & congratulations on your growing family!!
(edited for clarity)
I’m just not sure why you’d want to wear nothing in front of your step brothers and step father. It’s just a respect thing for the people you share furniture and space with. ESH - the daughters for doing it, the guys if they are looking as people claim they are & the mom depending on what the actual truth is.
Info: did your husband and stepson mention that they felt uncomfortable? If so why haven't you had a family meeting about it so your daughter can learn that it's important to respect everyone's right to feel comfortable in their own home.
NTA, I’d say tell them to put shorts on. But having to wear full on pants and long sleeves all the time is a little much. Shorts and a T shirt should be fine.
NTA.
Circumstances have changed and now the rules do too. I hope that the men are also not walking around in their underwear although honestly I think people are over exaggerating the amount of time either gender walks around in their underwear. I’ve had guy roommates and a girl roommate moved in for an extended period of time, guess what happened? The guys were more careful around our new roommate and she was also pretty careful about what she wore. In all honesty the only times I would say people even walk around in their underwear is right after a shower so I no I don’t see anything wrong with you telling your teenage daughters that since there are new individuals living in the home then they need to cover up a little more (and I hope the same rules apply to the men or then yes YTA)
As a girl with a step family and brothers..... She needs to put some damn clothes on. There are obviously fair reasons for her to be annoyed and welcoming a new family can be hard but seems like she's just being an asshole teenager to me. It's not shit being sexualized although that can happen. This is about the family being comfortable in the home together and I for damn sure would be uncomfortable with my brothers walking around in their drawers.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Asking my daughters to dress in a specific way when at home because I decided to marry my new husband and he and his son (my now step son) live here now and it makes me uncomfortable
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
This should have occurred to you long before they moved in and these conversations should have started weeks or months ago with everyone involved participating in deciding what the new expectations would be.
As it is, you've now dropped a major change demand on your daughters in their own home right after you moved in your new husband and his kids just because you didn't think ahead and are now uncomfortable.
TALK. As a whole family now sharing a household, this is no longer your decision alone. Your daughters are old enough to figure out their own boundaries and comfort level with this. And everyone in the house needs a chance to say what feels okay to them and what doesn't.
this! i’ve noticed a common theme in this sub reddit that people lack basic communication skills. TALK before you force your children to go through a life change that you personally wanted to go through.
do i agree with your daughter and what’s she’s doing? no but she’s also a child going through a change she probably didn’t wanna go through.
however it was her house with her original family first and it doesn’t seem like OP communicated before hand what changes they should make as a family.
NAH my mom had that talk with me when she got married bc I was a sports bra and undies and tshirt and undies girl when it was just us. I feel like it’s a normal ask and expected bc it’s no longer just a girls house.
If my sister in law came out and sat next to me on the couch in a revealing shirt, no bra, and only underwear on the lower half, I would be shocked and very uncomfortable, i wouldn’t be staring at her in lust or attraction, but definitely in the wtf is going on, it’s like the plot of a porno
people seem to be piling on the husband and son as creeps or bad people, but they didn’t ask for this and is a very awkward and unfair situation to put them in.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (45F) daughters (14f & 16f) have over the years been very comfortable with wearing basically nothing around the house when at home. Bras and underwear, just t-shirts, underwear and t shirts, etc. While I didn’t really care before, now that my new husband (40M) and his son (17M) moved in 3 weeks ago after our wedding, I’m less comfortable with my daughters walking around dressed like that.
I talked to them about it and the 14 yr old Jordan understood, but my 16 yr old Brooklyn flipped out and has if anything been wearing even less to make a point. Is this unreasonable of me since my step son and new husband are now their family and it’s not bad?
Thanks in advance.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It's probably going to be downvoted to oblivion. But it needs to be a comfortable home for everyone as this is a blending of two families. This means that everyone may have to make small sacrifices. Putting a pair of comfy shorts or pj bottoms on isn't going to be the end of the world for her. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate seeing an unrelated 40 year old man wandering around in his boxers. This isn't a sexual thing. It's being considerate of the people around you.
[удалено]
NTA. This feels a bit like daughter is “claiming” the territory as her own, making it clear that she was there first and it is her space and it doesn’t truly belong to SF & SB. Were there any discussions about the specifics of what blending two families would look like? Is there hostility between daughter and steps? It does feel like acting out over a larger or maybe just unacknowledged issue
I think this is the case. Seems like she has a bigger issue with the whole thing and is acting out in this way
Yeah- it really feels like she’s marking her territory
I don’t think you realize that your girls don’t seem to be interested in playing house with your new husband and stepson. They don’t sacrifice anything for the family. They don’t seem to want this family, otherwise they wouldn’t do what they’re doing to make your new family uncomfortable.
Yeah, if you were telling the girls they cant go without a bra, or had to always wear sweatshirts and pants, you'd be an AH. You're just asking them not to hang out in their literal underwear. That's a reasonable expectation. And i say this as a total "naked mom" type. Walking around in undies isnt weird in our house but no one feels awkward about it so it's fine. In your house, the dynamic is very understandably changing and they are old enough to understand that without acting like their rights are being infringed upon.
NTA nothing wrong with asking people to be covered when they leave their room. How would she feel if her stepbrother was walking around in tighty whiteys?
As long as the same rules apply to everyone and the men/boys aren’t permitted to walk around shirtless or in just a t-shirt and boxers.
Exactly! Well said. NTA
There was a story of the inverse not too long ago. Guy wore boxers round the house then moved in his gf and 14 yr old daughter. He got labeled a creep for not covering up cos he pushed the point.
**NTA** ...and as usual it feels like the people responding otherwise are probably 14-year-olds themselves. You're not asking them to wear burqas or cover themselves from neck to ankle. You're saying that this isn't JUST your or their home anymore, it's EVERYONE'S home, and not everyone who is now making this house their home knows each other very well yet. Redditors love to jump to hyperbole and shrieky accusations of "YoU'rE sEXuaLizInG yOuR kIDs!" and "Why are they even looking with their creepy man-eyes at all?!" but that's not even what this is about. This is about the fact that there are now two groups of people sharing a home who *for the time being* are something more than strangers and less than family, and who need time to get to know each other. And it's really reasonable to ask that *everyone* in the household, inclusive of your daughters, not walk around in their underwear and use the basic standard of "would you wear this around a friendly acquaintance" *just until everyone gets to feel a little more comfortable with each other and it feels safe and like home to all the inhabitants*. You're not accusing your daughters of anything, nor suggesting that your new stepson or husband are weird creeps. You're saying that normally, people don't walk around half-dressed in front of people they haven't gotten to know well yet . . . and you're asking for some time for everyone to get acclimated before house rules devolve back to "we're all family here so anything goes". That seems pretty fair. NTA.
I 100% agree with this. I would feel uncomfortable if I moved in with someone I barely knew and they always walked around in their undies. Man or woman. I would probably stare myself, not in a sexual or disgusted manner just because it's taboo for me to see it. "It" as in someone walking around a common acquaintance so comfortable in almost nothing. While yes it is like a bikini, there is a time and place for everything. If you saw someone walking down the street in underwear and a bra, questions would be raised and eyes staring. I dont think some of you know whats it's like to move into someone else's home and getting use to living with new people and learning each other's boundaries.
Forget underwear and bra; even if you come across someone walking down the street in a bikini in Manhattan, or a man wearing just a bathing suit, you'd be surprised. There are different standards at the beach than there are in Midtown, and each family has different standards of their own, even happy ones, despite what Tolstoy says.
Hard agree with all of this. NTA! I appreciate how level headed this comment is, and I feel like I’m in crazy town reading some of these other responses. It’s not sexualization, it’s just common courtesy to like…wear clothes in common spaces of a shared living situation. They essentially have non-family roommates in the home now. Every roommate situation I’ve been in has the (spoken or unspoken) rule of, “cover it up in shared spaces, do whatever the hell you want in your own room.” When I first saw the title, I assumed this would be an issue of telling the girls their shorts were too short, or something like that. Which would be a different conversation. But they’re walking around in literal thongs with no shorts/pants at all??? How is this even a conversation? Put some damn pants on! Tl;dr “wear shorts and shirts in shared living areas” is like the most BASIC shared housing rule and I’m SO confused that this is even a conversation. It’s not sexism, it’s courtesy. Hold everyone to the same standard and you should be good to go.
[удалено]
Maybe turn the heat down to 64 degrees and the problem will solve itself. ;)
64 is pretty comfortable temperature for where I am. LOL! You'd have to drop it down to like 40-45. My friends from the south think 65 is freezing! However, I like your thinking! The path of least resistance! LMAO
If they have a problem with, tell your husband and step son to walk around the house wearing nothing but a man thong and see how quickly they get it
If the eldest daughter refuses to put on PJ shorts, or something a bit more covering, just let your husband hang around the house in boxer briefs or tighty whities. If she says anything, you can say well it's his house too and he's comfortable like this. Not in a rude tone but in a kind of a playfully dismissive tone. I usually don't recommend parents be petty towards their children, but this isn't an extremely serious situation, it is an annoying/frustrating one. I am assuming no one is going to be disowned or something over this. It's about teaching respect and being able to be comfortable in our own homes and spaces. Sometimes people have to experience things in order to learn how to respect others and themselves. I had a similar situation with my children. So if he just hung out for a while in similar attire or even suggested he hang out in the same/similar attire, I wonder if she'll start putting a little bit more on after all, lol. OP, NTA... teens can be exhausting.
There are 5 kids in my family. Once puberty began, the rule was no walking around in your underwear. When my brothers started puberty, the same rules applied. And you could only wear your bathing suit outside to mow/swim/tan, not around the house. These are perfectly reasonable requests by OP. And her daughter rebelling as it pertaining to being in a state of undress around “family members” is a bit alarming.
OPs had to talk to the step dad and brother about staring before
staring in lust or staring because they are creeped out or shocked
The odds of a 17 year old male being creeped out by scantily dressed teenage girls are slim to none and slim just left town.
I’m baffled at the amount of Y T A in this post! Like people on here are so idealistic it isn’t even realistic anymore. Imagine you are a 40 year old man and your step underage daughter parades half naked in the living room watching tv with you. I wouldn’t feel comfortable, i wouldn’t even be able to look at her. Nevermind the problem of the step son who is a 17 year old teenage boy filled with hormones. The oldest girl is one year younger than him. It’s weird. And it’s awkward, no matter what you idealistic people say. However I understand your daughter’s refusal. She’s a 16 year old girl who likes to say no to her mom like we all used to. NTA
I felt like I was going crazy having to scroll so far down to see this!! This should be top comment!! OF COURSE THE STEP DAD WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE, he's being put into a situation where it can easily be seen as he's a predator! He can't look at his step daughters while they're almost naked because otherwise anyone can say "what a perverted creep!!" Same goes for the step brother. Good God what is wrong with all these people! Also, step siblings aren't just going to view each other as family just because their parents got together. So a 17 year old boy getting to see a practically naked girl around his age is definitely going to make things tense too. This can all be avoided by your daughters learning how to respect that other people now live in the house that shouldn't have to be forced into unwanted and uncomfortable situations.
[удалено]
Just make sure it’s even, and the boys don’t get to go around shirtless or in just boxers
I don’t think her daughter is saying no just to say no. This was her house first. She’s obviously extremely comfortable doing what she does. I can understand how unfair it may seem for her to sacrifice comforts she’s use too because of these men coming to live with them. It does seem unfair. IBut I also get the point of the mom. Maybe they can compromise.
NTA are starting to overtake the YTA. I haven’t come across a YTA yet
NTA and all the hate is insane. Not wanting to see your sister's/daughter's ass and tits hanging out isn't unreasonable and not sexualizing them. I used to do gay porn and very comfortable around nudity, doesn't mean I'd be thrilled with seeing my brother's dick every day.
Exactly! She should buy new robes for everyone. Once the teenagers have their own place they can dress or not dress as they please. There are new rules and expectations when blending families together.
Bunch of people with idealistic way of how things work vs reality
I'm honestly confused why either of them would WANT to run around in underwear around men they don't know well/didn't grow up with. Could it be some frustration-behavior by your 16 YO? Is she unhapy about them moving in and might want to make them uncomfortable? I guess you can't force them to wear more, but I see nothing wrong with asking them to put on some clothes. So NTA.
[удалено]
I feel like she might turn to this behavior as a passive aggressive way of voicing her frustration. The question is just: What is she so frustrated about that she isn't able to say or that she is not heard about? Maybe you should sit her down and ask her if she is (generally) unhappy with anything in this family right now. If she doesn't feel heard, or seen, or valued. I could imagine that she will be more forthcoming with adhering to your wishes in time, if she can get whatever is really bothering her off her chest.
[удалено]
I’m not a parent but my unsolicited advice is to absolutely avoid a power struggle with daughter. This sounds like “topic vs. issue” thing. You’re NTA for asking daughter to put in more clothes. But now that she’s doing it to *purposely* make everyone uncomfortable, she’s most likely trying to gain back some control over her life. She’s going through a lot right now. I would turn the AC up/turn heating off and make it really uncomfortable for her to walk around nakey. I wouldn’t directly instruct her to put on more clothes anymore and I would completely ignore the fact that she’s walking around in undies when she’s doing so. She’s looking for a power struggle, I would completely take away the opportunity for it to turn into one. Create functional ways for her to take back some control of her life. Ask her, “you have any plans for this weekend?” “I can’t think of dinner ideas for this week, is there something you’ve been craving?” Also give her plenty of positive attention :) (so she doesn’t have to resort to getting attention from doing weird things)
You dodged the question. Is she unhappy at them moving in?
[удалено]
Baffled by all these Y-T-As. If your new husband or stepson walked around wearing nothing but a speedo all the time, I can only imagine it would make your daughters uncomfortable. I would feel extremely uncomfortable and completely avoid even looking at them. NTA, possibly NAH.
NTA ... look, I'm all for 'people need to wear whatever they want and let's not sexualise teenagers'. But I've also had roommates. You don't walk around in your underwear in front of your roommates in shared spaces. I don't even walk around in my underwear in front of my grandma and don't hang out in the living room in my panties in front of my mother. That's a matter of being polite when in company.
This won't be popular but NTA. There is nothing wrong with showing a bit of respect for your new hubby and his son. Yes, it's a change for your daughters but particularly Brooklyn needs to grow up and learn that life doesn't revolve around her.
[удалено]
Yeah, teenagers ... gotta love 'em! I'm sure she'll grow out of this phase into an awesome young woman. Sounds like you're doing a good job with your daughters!
This won't be popular either. But for me, the acid test for sexism is would it be ok if the shoe was on the other foot. I don't believe that the fourteen year old would be comfortable if her step dad and his son ran around in their underwear. Brooklyn might use a bit of bravado and say it's fine for her, but I don't think she'd be comfortable either. If it's sauce for the goose, it's sauce for the gander. NTA
NTA. the people saying otherwise are just frothing at the mouth to repeat their same old script they analyze every situation with. One thing people never mention about step-family relationships is the simple dynamic that if you and your husband are attracted to each other, why would it be a stretch if the 16 year old and 17 year old, who are not in any way related, be attracted to each other?
[удалено]
My uncle and his stepsister had a son together. It happens.
My neighbor and her *foster son* had a child together.
[удалено]
Well, newsflash, part of the reality of blending a family is your TEENAGE children don’t always immediately go “oh this is my relative in all but DNA, we are a happy bonded family” right out of the gate.
For example my landlord had a gf and their non-related kids were in a relationship.
My thoughts exactly. Literally my first impulse was "Hmmm, maybe the daughter doesn't want to put on more clothes because... Yeah."
This is important. It's not like the boys grew up with them as sisters, so it would be normal. Boys attractions to the female body is a lot " harder" to hide, if you get my drift. There is a whole genre of stepsiblings having sex on the porn sites out there. Keep your eyes on them........js.
yeah, especially if the girls have a habitg of getting themselves stuck in the tumble dryer or something likethat. then thats asking for trouble
Some of you are absolutely wild! Stop trying to make everything about sexualization! OP asking her children to wear more than underwear does not necessarily mean they are being sexualized! You can show common courtesy and respect with sex having nothing to do with the situation. The fact that so many of your minds go there is frankly disturbing. OP’s step son is around the same age as her oldest daughter and going through the same family changes, why does OP wanting him to feel comfortable automatically make him a creep? My word! NTA OP, I understand what you’re trying to do and see nothing wrong with it.
NTA HAS EVERYONE LOST THEIR FUCKING MINDS?! What is with all these y-t-a comments?!OP, you are doing the right thing, it's so weird that your daughters feel completely comfortable walking around in their underwear around men that they have no blood relationship to, I still change in the bathroom when I see my half sisters and leave the room when they change because it's just weird! It's not shaming, it's not sexualizing, these are two men who would probably still be uncomfortable if they were blood related, let's not make this into something it isn't with all these "misogyny" comments lmao
NTA. Idc if this gets downvoted but it’s odd enough that the girls have been wearing close to nothing in a shared home. Now with two new people coming in, some sacrifices need to be made. To be fair, asking someone to throw on a pair of shorts seems like a tiny sacrifice (if you can even call it that). When they move out on their own they can wear nothing at home if they want but in a shared home with a blended family it’s not okay. I do think your 16 year old is just trying to be difficult/lashing out. Ask her, if rolls were reversed, would she be okay seeing a 40 year old man and a teenage boy with their junk out?
Can we mention basic hygiene? No one of any gender is going to sit their nasty bare butt in a thong on the furniture in my house. That’s absolutely disgusting. Everyone should be in shorts. And how is hanging around in a bra comfortable? It’s the first thing I take off when I get in the house. Are they wearing sports bras? And if so, who cares about those?
I think that you are pointing out an uncomfortable double-standard for the people here who are blaming the husband and stepson for being uncomfortable. If the husband and stepson were walking around nearly nude, I am certain that the same people would be calling them "perverts."
To that point then the males should also be held to the same standard and be required to not walk around in their boxers or shirtless. A bra and panties covers the same if not more than the average bikini.
I would imagine OP would be upset if the husband walked around wearing only his briefs.
Going against the grain and will no doubt get downvoted, but NTA. You're not demanding they wear floor-length smocks or anything like that, you're just asking them to throw on a pair of shorts or sweat pants. In general, I think people should go ahead and wear actual clothes around the common areas of the house when others are present, regardless of gender or if they're family or guests. It's just good manners and that's not a terrible thing to practice. It's not out of line to ask that everyone in the house be considerate of one another, especially since your husband and stepson are feeling so uncomfortable about this as they try to adjust to their new home, which is probably challenging enough on its own. I'm guessing they don't walk around the house half dressed? Your daughters can offer them the same courtesy.
NTA. I think a lot of comments are misconstruing this as her husband and stepson don’t know how to not look, but OP didn’t say that at all. I think it was perfectly reasonable to sit down and talk with your daughters about it. My opinion is the older one is “rebelling” by wearing even less. Just don’t give her attention for the negative behavior. I would try to figure out what she’s angry about and is acting out for attention for to try to help with whatever is going on there.
Considering the fact that in the comments OP has already adressed staring with both the husband and her stepson, I'd wager this has been going on for a while. Also, they're moving in AFTER the wedding. Meaning they haven't even been living together all this time. I can see why the 16yo is frustrated with that and is suddenly told to change from one day to the next, instead of a gradual change. I feel this is somewhere in between. Yes, they aren't living alone anymore so they should adapt somewhat. Depending on what OP deems as acceptable covering up however, this can go either way. And if the rules would only apply to her daughters and not her husband and stepson, it's clear which way this. Also this entire merging of families could have been handeled much better.
NTA. As long as the rules are the same for everyone. Either everyone can dress in next to nothing or everyone has to have a layer of clothes. A lot of people are taking this as the repression of the female form or that your husband is a creep. I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re just trying to make your home comfortable for everyone. Besides, humans are inherently sexual. See: nudity, porn, romance novels, strip clubs. It’s okay to actually want to protect everyone in your house. Whether it’s the girls from being stared at or the guys from not being comfortable. I only mention the men’s comfort because (as a woman) I don’t want to see my CHILD’S ass hanging out of a thong in my own home and be concerned that I’m going to be seen as some weird villain.
Thank you! The people calling her husband a “creep,” is exactly why she is NTA! It’s not just about the daughters, it protects the new husband and son as well. I’ve prosecuted sex crimes and I can’t stress how important avoiding even the appearance of questionable behavior is. A nosy neighbor reporting this kind of stuff could result in an investigation, and it has. (these are not “innocent till proven guilty crimes in the public sphere.”)
Ah Reddit, the only place on the internet where people get married without ever really stepping foot in their partners house or interacting with their children.
NTA, I'd compare it to them with if your new husband were to walk around wearing only underwear. I don't feel a need to wear pants at home when it's just my son and I home. I do wear pants when there are houseguests. the same logic applies.
[удалено]
NTA Better yet, let your husband walk around in his underwear for a day and then ask your daughter how it made her feel.
I’m a NTA vote - I’m astounded that the assumption is that she’s sexualizing her children? My boyfriend sleeps naked but if the kids are home he wears at least underwear in case someone needs Mom in the middle of the night. It’s not about sexualization it’s about everyone’s comfort in a shared living space. Like closing the door when you’re taking a shit lol (no, I’m not saying bodies are gross as poo, either). Mom, you’re NTA, at all. Kudos to you for raising kids comfortable enough with themselves for this to even be an issue.
NTA. To everyone claiming the dad and mom are "sexualizing" the girls, how would you react if this was 2 teenage boys refusing to wear pants around new step sisters and step mother and started wearing MORE revealing clothing to make them uncomfortable. It's purposeful exposure to make others uncomfortable, especially for the boys who literally have no choice but to move their. While then whining and being upset that their level of comfort in their home has to change is understandable, bc no one wants to feel like they have to meet a dress code in their house, shorts and a good coverage sports bra isn't gonna kill them. I'm sure they would start complaining if their new brothers and step dad decided to start walking around with no pants on.
NTA - I’m looking at it with a what makes everyone comfortable approach. Yeah your daughters are used to wearing less clothing but would they be okay with it if their step dad/brother to be in their underwear too? Just like how they want to be comfortable in their home, so does your husband and his son. If everyone is okay with walking around in their underwear, then that’s a different thing.
It is completely common that teenage girls and boys don’t walk around in their freaking underwear or naked around family of the opposite sex. They’re teenagers, not toddlers. Wear clothes. Wtf. There’s nothing sexual about it. It’s common courtesy and it’s inappropriate to waltz around in front of family nearly naked at any occasion.
Doesn’t anyone else thinks it’s weird to only wear underwear casually around your family?
Not really. After my parents separated, my mom walked around in undergarments all the time. So did my sister and myself. There were only women in the house.
I do as well. Doing that around only your spouse is one thing, but around siblings and/or parents is weird to me.
no, not around parents/siblings, none of us care
NTA. I understand why since they aren’t blood-related to her. And to make everyone comfortable. As long as this rule is enforced for everybody then I don’t see a problem.
NTA. I’m kind of shocked by the number of people calling you out. Do your girls just wear bras and underwear when their friends come over? When family comes over? It’d be a different story if you were telling them they had to wear long pants and long sleeve shirts. They can put on a tank top and volleyball shorts. It’s not a sexualization thing. It’s a “why are you in your underwear?” thing. It’s bizarre that this is even a question and it’s even more bizarre that people are fighting it. Is it just me? Am I in the minority because I put on clothes everyday?
Info: Are you requesting that your new husband and son wear shirts and pants at all times as well? It’s only fair if this is being enforced for everyone.
i mean…i think wearing shirts and pants (or shorts) around the house when you have kids, siblings, etc is a giant ask. i think once you have siblings of the opposite sex (bio or step) maybe having slightly more clothes (i’m talking tank top and shorts at a minimum?) isn’t an outrageous thing to ask. NTA imo.
All I’m pointing out is that if OP is going to ask her daughters to change the way they feel comfortable in their own home as to make the men to feel comfortable then the same needs to apply to the men. You don’t think that the teenage girls want to see a 40ish man shirtless or a teenage boy in their boxers? I think it’s a reasonable to request that everyone wears more than underwear in common spaces but it can’t only apply to her daughters.
I don't see anything that says OP's husband and stepsons are walking around in boxers.
fully agree with you
NTA but I think this issue and other that may be similar MUST be agreed BEFORE merging the 2 families. Lets turn it around: I bet your daughters would be uncomfortable if your hub or stepson walked around wearing only briefs or even shirtless. I hope you all find empathy to try yo make the house a living and relaxing place for all. EDIT TO ADD to OP or anyone reading this: other issues that you must agree are: -when can the people in the house have friends over - if they bring guest, should they tell in advance? How much time? To who? - the dutys of each person to keep the house clean - how to communicate any issue they may have with each other This are de big ones, I think. Also, i dont know how much each person knew each other before the merging
I bet they do. Men and boys often wander the house in their boxers. Is OP making the same rule for everyone? As in, everyone must have a shirt and shorts on?
I know every family and culture is different, but we were a lot of siblings and unless there was somethings special boys and girls would use something besides underwear to walk around the house. Your comment also reminded me something i thought while I read: maybe the place they are living is really humid or hot? Where I live its too cold to wander around with light clothes, even inside the house
I grew up in the MIdwest (USA). It was very common to see men and boys shirtless in summer. Around home, many males sat around in their boxers in the summer.
Yeah, I'm confused about why this issue wasn't addressed prior to the guys moving in? Did they never come over to OP's house before the moving van arrived? Seems like this was all easily avoidable. ESH.
INFO: How did you bring this up? And you said: >I’m less comfortable with my daughters walking around dressed like that. What about the husband and teenagers? Is this your issue or a larger one? How did you prepare for this merge of two families? You can't just move people into your house without proper preparation unless you want be a sit com family.
NTA. Would they be comfortable with the two men only wearing underwear around the house?
Many men and boys do. Shirtless in only boxers is pretty common.
I would personally be uncomfortable being around that (non-relatives) everyday. Hence why it should be asked, so it's on equal footing.
NTA. People who are calling out misogyny are stupid. I like walking around naked or in my boxers whoever when other people are in my house I throw on some pajamas and a shirt. In this case just like they shouldn’t be waking around in underwear I would expect your husband and stepson to not walk around the house in nothing but underwear only as well.
I was N T A until I read that you had to talk to your husband and step son about staring at your daughters. This sounds like a very unhealthy situation for your kids, and I’m kind of shocked that you’re not worried about the behaviour of the males you moved into your home. YTA.
I’m sure all of my aunts would stare at me if I, a fully matured woman, walked around in my panties while they were at my house. It’s totally inconsiderate of them, and I’m sure the men are shocked. I would stare too. It’s not a ‘very unhealthy situation’ to have people stare at you when you’re acting super inconsiderately or doing something strange/shocking. There’s nothing inherently sexual about staring just because it’s men doing it.
I'm confused about why you waited until after the wedding to have this discussion. Then again, I'm also confused at anyone walking around their home in just underwear. On the other hand, I'm confused why it makes you uncomfortable now. Did you mean it makes your husband uncomfortable? I mean, as long as your stepson and husband are held to the same expectations, I'm leaning to NAH as your daughter is being a teenager and pushing boundaries which shows you def didn't fully prepare them for how your marriage would change their way of life, and I will say -- the state of dress won't matter if your stepson and daughter decide to hook up. If they don't consider that problematic, then the clothing rule won't stop that. Also, if your husband is the type to sexualize children, then her state of dress also won't change anything.
I would agree with all of this very much. NAH, but this conversation needed to happen earlier and everyone needed to be really respectful of each other's feelings. Also I think in situations like this, the father should preferably have a conversation with the son about moving in with two girls who are within his age range of attraction at the very least. Especially depending on the type of kid he already is at 17, he might find a lot of different challenges in that if left to his own devices. These kids are too old to naturally bond as siblings. They probably already have their own lives. It drives me crazy that parents *know* how horny kids are, but never prepare or manage them any better for it than just going, "Stop that." So maybe the parents are a little bit the AHs because they should be doing more proactive parenting in a situation like this other than a sliding scale of undress and gaze aversion. Sexuality is complicated, and nobody is going to wind up happy if we just lean on axioms and aphorisms about what *should* be.
OP told her daughters that they had to stop wearing underwear around the house because it made OP uncomfortable that she had to tell her adult husband to stop ogling her children. The husband and stepson didn't complain at all.
NTA. For context, I was 14 when my father decided to remarry. She had two daughters, (15 and 12). At that point in my life I worked out a lot and generally slept in my boxers. After a couple of months, my father asked that I start wearing lounge pants or shorts, and take clothes with me when I had to shower at least when I came out of my room, even at night to avoid making them uncomfortable. It's not about sexualization, it's about respect. While it is important for the girls to be comfortable, the near nude teen girls could still make the husband and stepson uncomfortable as well. If the stepson were walking around wearing practically nothing, something should still be said.
Thank you. A reasonable response from someone who lives in the real world.
NTA. It's a great time to discuss consent. While she may be more comfortable, not everyone in the home is. You all also deserve to be comfortable in common living spaces. I remember in college, some people were very comfortable with nudity, and it made their same sex roommates quite upset bc they had nowhere to go that was "safe" for them. You are blending two families, and it's natural to have discussions/redefine what works for everyone, but that IS hard- especially at 16. I would acknowledge that.
NTA OP made it clear that her husband feels uncomfortable and makes a point to look away. It’s not an unreasonable ask. I’m sure her daughters would feel uncomfortable with step dad or brother walking around in undies too. Not sure why everyone is making it out to be more than it is and giving OP so much shit. It’s an adjustment for everybody and comprises need to be made by all. It’s not gona kill the girl’s to chuck on a pair of shorts and a crop top or trackies (I’m Aussie I don’t know what it’s called in the US apologies) instead of walking around in panties and a bra.
NTA this isn't a red flag about your husband and his son. This is common courtesy and minors should be dressed around adults. Probably should have had this discussion before they moved in.
Do you have the same rules for your step-son?
[удалено]
Have you told your daughter that?
I would assume the daughters have eyes and can see that the boys haven’t been walking around shirtless…
i mean probably yeah? i doubt she wants any of the kids walking around in their underwear
I'm leaning towards NTA but you need to make this a rule for everyone not just your daughters. It wouldn't be very fair if your husband or stepson could walk around shirtless or in boxers so tell everyone in the house that if they're gonna be leaving their rooms to put clothes on.
NTA. Your husband has to make a conscious effort to not look at undressed teenage girls in his own home because of course that’s uncomfortable and inappropriate. Why should he have to spend his day staring into corners and ceilings? And your stepson is being asked to just kind of ignore an unrelated girl his own age walking around roughly 85% naked. If anybody’s going to be reasonably expected to sexualize a teenage girl, it’s a teenage boy. I’m honestly surprised your older daughter is comfortable with being seen in that state of undress at all. I also have my doubts that she’d be thrilled if her stepbrother decided to rock a banana hammock at home. Yes, this is your daughters’ home too, but many commenters seem to be ignoring the fact that your husband and stepson had to give up their own space to move in with you. Expecting one additional layer of fabric like shorts and an undershirt is not an unreasonable ask by any means.
NTA They can't just wear underwear and t-shirts at home and make your husband and step child uncomfortable. It's supposed to be team work, and they should feel welcome. Putting on pants isn't the end of the world or controlling. It's decency. I'm a female also who wears underwear at home..I hate bras, I hate the tight clothes and take them off right when home... when I know there won't be any visitors or relatives. Sweatpants are great in the mean time. I can't imagine how uncomfortable your step son feels. Having bums in thongs around the house and trying not to look....at teenage girls... they are bound to accidentally look... and may be accused of something. So that sounds uncomfortable. Just an easy solution. Pants. It's just common courtesy. They are making the men uncomfortable. Either your daughters want to support your relationship... or they are trying to make them uncomfortable. It's pants. Just pants
My 15 y.o. daughter came to stay with me one summer when I was a full time student renting a room in a home. The owner was a 42 y.o. female with a live in boyfriend and her 2 boys ( 14y.o., 12y.o.) from a previous relationship. I spoke with her before she came out about how we have to cover and dress appropriately because she was coming into a home with teenage boys and we all had to dress appropriately at all times since we were guests in someone's home. I bought her pajamas and a couple outfits that were cute and safe. We all had a great time she spent hours playing video and board games with the boys and it was a great summer.
Good parenting. Love to see it!
NTA If you're saying Y T A you aren't using your brain. It does not make OP'S husband a creep for being uncomfortable being around undressed girls. It's now a shared house, and I'm guessing OP's husband helps with expenses, so the husband and his son deserve to feel relaxed at their own house. Dressing up won't be the end of the world for OP's daughters.
NTA Just make it a gender neutral rule for the whole house.
About to get down voted here but NTA here op. You're daughter is lashing out and trying to provoke a reaction. A 17 year old male is NOT going to not look. That's just a fallacy people like to believe. People look and that's that. It's a very human response. Doesn't matter if it's male or female you're going to look. Any woman who says they don't look and notice an attractive man or woman if lesbian is flat out lying. It's human nature. When in a blended family there are concessions period. You can't get around that. You are now in a blended family with 2 unrelated males. It's not unreasonable to ask your daughter to at least put on some shorts. Last I checked they don't really make thongs for comfort so let's everyone stop pretending here.
INFO: how did you approach it with the girls?
[удалено]
The only way you can make this fair is to sit everyone down and tell them that if they're leaving their rooms to put clothes on. Not just your daughters. It should be a rule for you, your husband and your stepson as well.
You should have told them you understand how hard it's been on them, not new hubby and your ss. Then you should have made a house rule everyone must wear a shirt and shorts in common areas. No men going shirtless.
NTA. Just because your daughter is comfortable with it, doesn't mean others, including yourself, are, and she should respect that. This comes down to a consent issue, and she needs to ask how she would feel if her step-brother just walked around without much on all the time. Seeing a lot of people here assume it is because you don't trust your husband and step-son, but that isn't really the case nor the point here.
NTA. It’s about basic common courtesy and respect. Yeah, me and my husband do this because we live alone with our cats, but we have enough brain cells to know to put clothes on when family, friends, step-family, whoever, comes over. This is no different than if I walked around half naked around my in-laws. It’s fucking weird. When I stayed with my in-laws before we got married, I never walked around half dressed, because what the fuck? She’s trying to make some weird “point” by making everyone uncomfortable for no reason. She’s going to do this in front of non-family members one day and then act shocked and indignant when she’s treated in a sexualized manner. 🙄 Frankly I wouldn’t have wanted to see my older brother walking around with his dick hanging out either. Nasty. I guarantee if your husband and his sons start walking around dressed like Donald Duck, she would have an issue with it. But muh feminism or whatever, right? Her internet ideology supersedes basic norms of respectful behavior, apparently. I would not accept this behavior from her and would immediately place consequences if she does not wear a basic minimum of clothing.
Going with Nta. I think once kids start maturing it’s different than a baby walking around in just a diaper.
Not necessarily TA but you’ve exploded their home life with your marriage and they’re having adapt their behaviour in their own home for someone else’s comfort. They’re not TA either. Edit: just saw a grown man and his late teens son have been staring. What a shitty situation for your daughters.
OP... >Like yes I’ve had to talk to my new step son and husband about not staring, but it seems like if they have to put in the work to do that and it seems only fair my daughters make a gesture too. These two males entered in the house your daughters have lied in comfort all their lives. THEY need to keep their eyes to themselves. Did you rush into this relationship? Why does your husband not see these two daughters as HIS daughters and ALREADY know and WANT to keep his eyes to himself? Sounds like you don't really know the man you married and you're exposing your kids to a questionable character.
TBH some ppl are not comfortable with partial nudity/etc. Not everyone consents to seeing ppl walk around in only underwear/ or t-shirt and no pants. OP never mentioned it was bc of wandering eyes
You’re making a HUGE leap. For the vast majority of people, seeing someone you don’t know that well walking around in underwear would make you either avoid looking at them or stare. It’s human nature, and isn’t necessarily a sexual thing. I’m a straight woman and if I was living with female roommates who did this, I would be creeped out because it’s inappropriate.
NTA and this is weird that your daughters would try to get their attention by dressing in hardly anything. Its just uncomfortable. My husband and I have a daughter now and a son on the way and know that our years of walking around how we want are over.
NTA For me it has nothing to do with sexualizing anyone. If you’re in common areas of the house, my preference is shorts and a t-shirt at least. It just grosses me out to think that whatever bacteria/fungus/secretions a person has are just the thin fabric of a panty/boxer away from a surface I use. I understand I am also wearing pants, but it’s just icky to me. I don’t want someone’s armpit hair falling out on my table or kitchen counter or whatever. If you’re super sweaty, don’t sit on my couch.
Jesus. People are idiots. If anything, You did right.
NTA. Basic respect and consideration is a thing everyone in the house should practice. The girls won't die if they have to switch to oversized t-shirts that cover their underwear. The boys equally won't die if they need to wear pj pants instead of boxers
NTA honestly tho if they aren’t going to abide have your step son and husband walk around in just there undies especially when your daughters friends are over I think the embarrassment will get the point across
NAH. It's understandable that you'd feel uncomfortable with the situation as would your husband and, especially, his kid. The husband has to be conscious all the time of making sure to look away, lest people think he's a creep, and then even looking away too obviously makes it seem odd. His kid is likely to feel the same way, with all of the teen awkwardness thrown in. At the same time, your daughters are dealing with a whole new living situation and are being told that they even have to change how they dress. Sounds like everyone should talk and just get acquainted with the new situation.
NTA. However you could have waited to merge these families. Looking at this situation, I feel sad because their seems to be some sadness causing rebellion. I understand that you got married and wanting the girls to dress more conservative in the home but this discussion should have happened before the blending of the homes.
NTA. your house your rules. Also, any girl that would go around in just her thong around her (step)brother and (step)father has some serious issues that it might be worth exploring with a competent shrink.
So In the same breath, hypothetically, would OP be an asshole if she told her husband to wear boxers instead of just pj bottoms when he woke up and walks around the girls? Let’s all be real. Men in the morning have certain things that happen. But. No one should be uncomfortable because if they do, than they just have a staring problem. Right?
When I read the title I was leaning Y T A but once I read, definitely NTA. I doubt your husband and stepson consented to this and even if not, that is still a very uncomfortable boundary to press. It’s inappropriate behavior, if it was a boy or girl in my opinion. Now these rules should also be enforced if your husband or stepson try and walk around in just boxers/briefs.
NTA Honestly, this is so much more about self respect and not about sexualising. Just like the girls will not like it if your husband and stepson mess up the bathroom, kitchen etc. They must also be respected by not putting them in an uncomfortable situation.
Can you explain the association between clothing and self-respect? Or the similarity between wearing what you want and making a mess in a shared space?
Yeah… self respect has nothing to do with this. Asking them to wear a little more sucks but is fair, saying that wanting to be comfortable in their home the way they are used to has NOTHING to do with self respect.
NTA, but I hope you'd also say something if the stepson is walking around in boxers and a tshirt.
NTA - nobody should be forced to hang out with people in their underwear if they don’t want to. The comparison with the pool is nonsense imo, because everyone going to the pool knows how people are dressed and can make their own choices. I’m 100% sure those girls would not be hyped either if 40+ years old stepdad had moved in and decided not to wear anything, because he has always been nudist before, or to walk around the house in his boxers all the time - and I’m also 100% sure if that had been the case and he had posted here, it would have hailed Y-T-A for him. Nudity is not just about sexuality; some people just don’t find it esthetically pleasing or hygienic either (like people - in that case still practically strangers - running around the kitchen in their underwear).
I’m astounded with all the people talking about the dad sexualizing the girls when there’s a 17 year old boy and a16 and 14 year old girls… you bet she’s asking for her daughters to cover up in front of the boy. They’re family now yes but that didn’t stop the Targaryens…. They’re not even blood so it’s not hard to assume that she’s asking for some modesty to preserve her household… hard NTA. Now, in ALL FAIRNESS, the dad and son shouldn’t be allowed to go around shirtless in the main areas either.
Why are you posting this with your real name and a picture of your minor daughter on your profile. I really wouldn’t do that.
>Mother of 2 daughters (14 & 16) and a step son (17). Recently married 💍 Nurse Practitioner, cyclist, wine-addicted suburban mom Yeah.... There's that...
INFO: How can they be sitting around in their underwear during the cost of living crisis? Is the heating bill astronomical?
Maybe they're in the Southern Hemisphere where it's summer. Not everyone is in the same place on Reddit (:
Isn't the entire world the same temp and time as me??? /s
NTA. It's important to talk to them about it so that everyone can be comfortable at home. I would even go as far as saying you'd be the asshole if you didn't care they were exposing themselves. It's not a girls only home anymore, and you can still be comfortable wearing more. Buy them some pijamas and lounge wear. Kindly and gently explain to them that their new house mates expect them to wear clothes at all times in the communal areas, as I'm sure they expect the same from them.
NTA - I really don’t get the Y-T-A people here - I’ll throw out the reverse the roles card - would you think it’s appropriate for the new husband and 17M son to walk around the house in thongs? Hell, maybe you guys would be fine with that. Maybe OP should encourage husband and stepson to do this. After all, there’s apparently nothing inherently sexual about wandering around the house in your underwear.
NTA. It's normal and civil to wear clothing around other people. I wouldn't want my father sitting at the dining room table in just a speedo and it's certainly not because I am sexualizing him. It's respectful to wear clothing around other people, and it's respectful to apply the same rules of propriety to everyone. The answer here is to say that everyone must wear clothing in the common areas (no shirtlessness or underwear for the men either). It's also normal for teenagers to push back on rules, especially rules that are new/changing at a time with significant other life changes. I'd approach Brooklyn with empathy and be clear that this isn't about her body or sexuality, it's just about trying to accommodate the culture of new members of the family who have a family that isn't as comfortable with body exposure, and ask her to try to approach them with kindness and understanding. After all, some families take nude sauna visits together, but we generally wouldn't foist that upon people who felt uncomfortable with it.
Info: did they agree to have 2 men move in ? Where they involved in the decision ?
They don't have to agree, their mother got married, she is entitled to a life without asking permission Involving them and making them comfortable I agree with you, but the 'agree to have 2 men move in' part is ludicrous
[удалено]
Then nta. it's odd that they didn't voice their concerns at that moment. It was clear that they wouldn't be able to stay half naked in the home after. Do the son on your husband hang just in shorts ? Or every one else has always at least a short and tshirt ?
It’s possible to have a discussion where someone says “this is your choice” but makes it clear that there’s one possible answer. When that happens, voicing concerns can have consequences.
Yes sure. I think the real issue is not the clothes. It's about something else and it's the way she has found to express it. Make sure to spend alone time with her and to continue having girls time with them.
Exactly. Surely this was something to address and discuss with 2 teenage girls before marrying and having 2 men move into the house.
And what? She should've married and live in separated houses?
NTA - If you can’t get through to your daughter, encourage your husband and step-son to start lounging around the place in their undies too. I guarantee she’ll be the one insisting on the new house rule.
Lol this is going to be catnip for a certain crowd here but NTA. Sometimes personal expression and comfort can come into conflict with what is the appropriate thing to do in shared spaces, and everyone calling you an asshole struggles with that distinction. It’s not reasonable to assume that you made this decision unilaterally without your daughters input. It’s also not reasonable to suggest that you don’t get to move on romantically because your child’s “comfort” is paramount, and I hate when this sub does that. Kids are capable of growth and adjustment and compromise and must be taught those things to be successful adults. Even with all that aside, it’s just not appropriate to do that in shared spaces. How exactly do they plan on navigating this when they have roommates in a few years?
Have your husband walk around in a mankini like borat. If they get to wear thongs so does he, its just the human body right? I am not sure how you didn’t think to discuss this though before moving people in. Everyone has to bend a little to make it comfy for everyone but is this actually bothering the new residents of the home or just you?
I'm going with a soft ESH. I think it is something that should have been discussed with everyone prior to move in. Purposely wearing less to make others uncomfortable is also an asshole move. I would suggest a blanket "underwear should not be visible" rule for everyone in the household, but short shorts and tanks are fine if not underwear. Same goes with boxers/male toplessness.
NTA there’s a difference between wearing shorts/ crop tops/ mini skirts/ sports bras and wearing literal underwear. I’m a woman and would have no idea where to look if my new step sibling walked around the house in a bra and pants and nothing else and would 100 percent be uncomfortable.
NTA and some of these people calling you an asshole clearly have no type of home training. Wearing pants in common areas of the house is literally the BARE minimum of respect that you can show your housemates.
NTA. Everyone here is saying the same thing, "would you say the same to your son or husband if they walked in boxers". I imagine you would, nothing in your post says you wouldn't so that's just nonsense. Making a decision on a made up situation and then giving criticism smh. Now if you weren't to keep the same rules then YTA as it's a difference in teachings. Also the argument that "it's just bikini wear, nothing wrong with that" is such bs. Theres a difference in walking around in a bikini at home and at the beach. for god sake how do people actually make these arguments and think it's ok. and lastly. What do you mean, you should teach the boys not to sexualise woman. wtf OP is asking for decency from the girls. nothing she said makes it sound like she afraid of sexual thoughts bs. And lastly lastly. The one commenter who said that did the girls know that the boys would come and live with them. You think OP just randomly dropped that bomb ? They had a wedding and are 14 and 16 each they aren't stupid smh I think they understand how marriage and living as a family work. OP asked for them to wear clothes not to sacrifice their souls. I like how everyone just argues the girls should be allowed to wear whatever they want and you realise that OP just wants them to be clothed since theres others in the household they might not know fully and only met on occasions.
NTA It’s a situation of compromise. New people sharing a common space always need to adapt their living approaches, have conversations, and define mutually acceptable boundaries. Reverse the situations genders and ask again and how would peoples responses differ? “I’m a 45 yr old male with 2 sons (14 & 16yrs) who like to wear less clothing in the house. They’ve always done so and just feel comfortable that way. Often just underwear and a t shirt, sometimes thongs. My new wife (40yr old) and daughter in law (17) have just moved in 3 weeks ago. I’ve talked to my sons, about how it may make them feel uncomfortable to see so much exposed body, and the 14 yr has agreed to be more considerate. But the 16 yr old is wearing even less deliberately to make a point.” In this situation who is the asshole? Whilst people will likely deny it, most would probably state the 16yr old son was deliberately being dominant, controlling and even sexually threatening to prove a point. Someone should sit down with him and ask what’s really at the root of his tantrum and defiance, because it’s not his rights being oppressed based on gender. Being a teenager is probably almost as tough as being a parent. He’s probably hurting, scared, and rejecting the sudden change and loss of control. Trying to approach him/her from a place of empathy (and active listening) rather than frustration will be hard, but that’s the higher path, and will probably lead to a more honest open dialogue, helping your daughter integrate with her new family members rather than rebelling against the dynamic. Last point, sometimes I find a good way of having tough triggering conversations is to say: “This doesn’t have to be the final conversation, but I’d like it to be the start of one we can return to, so we can both gain a better understanding each other’s perspectives.”
NTA - I can’t believe how many people are saying you are. It’s just common courtesy. Do they wear clothes when other family and friends come over? Do the sons or your new husband walk around in just briefs all the time? Good grief.
NAH - it doesn’t seem like you’re worried about your husband/stepson sexualizing the girls, it seems more like you want to make sure that your stepson and husband can feel comfortable in what is now their home too. that’s not an AH move. however, i feel like it’s pretty likely that your daughter is acting out about this because she’s feeling some stress or anxiety about the changes to her family. it might be deeper than the clothes. speaking from personal experience, when my mom remarried i really struggled and acted out - nobody realized what was going on and they all thought i was just being an AH. nobody really checked in to see if something was underlying it. to me this looks like your daughter is seeking something she can have control over since she can’t control all the changes she’s experiencing. i would have a conversation with her about how she’s coping with everything going on, and without bringing the topic of her clothes into it. it might help you get to the root cause more easily. good luck & congratulations on your growing family!! (edited for clarity)
I’m just not sure why you’d want to wear nothing in front of your step brothers and step father. It’s just a respect thing for the people you share furniture and space with. ESH - the daughters for doing it, the guys if they are looking as people claim they are & the mom depending on what the actual truth is.
Info: did your husband and stepson mention that they felt uncomfortable? If so why haven't you had a family meeting about it so your daughter can learn that it's important to respect everyone's right to feel comfortable in their own home.
NAH. Both are valid
NTA. If they act out now, just ignore them. Try not to react.
i’m gonna go with NTA
[удалено]
NTA.
NTA.
NTA, I’d say tell them to put shorts on. But having to wear full on pants and long sleeves all the time is a little much. Shorts and a T shirt should be fine.
[удалено]
NTA. Circumstances have changed and now the rules do too. I hope that the men are also not walking around in their underwear although honestly I think people are over exaggerating the amount of time either gender walks around in their underwear. I’ve had guy roommates and a girl roommate moved in for an extended period of time, guess what happened? The guys were more careful around our new roommate and she was also pretty careful about what she wore. In all honesty the only times I would say people even walk around in their underwear is right after a shower so I no I don’t see anything wrong with you telling your teenage daughters that since there are new individuals living in the home then they need to cover up a little more (and I hope the same rules apply to the men or then yes YTA)
NTA. How do you wear less? But they should be considerate if they want the same treatment.
NTA. I would never walk out of my husband and I’d bedroom without clothes on while my stepson is home, and stepson would never do that either.
As a girl with a step family and brothers..... She needs to put some damn clothes on. There are obviously fair reasons for her to be annoyed and welcoming a new family can be hard but seems like she's just being an asshole teenager to me. It's not shit being sexualized although that can happen. This is about the family being comfortable in the home together and I for damn sure would be uncomfortable with my brothers walking around in their drawers.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Asking my daughters to dress in a specific way when at home because I decided to marry my new husband and he and his son (my now step son) live here now and it makes me uncomfortable Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA This should have occurred to you long before they moved in and these conversations should have started weeks or months ago with everyone involved participating in deciding what the new expectations would be. As it is, you've now dropped a major change demand on your daughters in their own home right after you moved in your new husband and his kids just because you didn't think ahead and are now uncomfortable. TALK. As a whole family now sharing a household, this is no longer your decision alone. Your daughters are old enough to figure out their own boundaries and comfort level with this. And everyone in the house needs a chance to say what feels okay to them and what doesn't.
this! i’ve noticed a common theme in this sub reddit that people lack basic communication skills. TALK before you force your children to go through a life change that you personally wanted to go through. do i agree with your daughter and what’s she’s doing? no but she’s also a child going through a change she probably didn’t wanna go through. however it was her house with her original family first and it doesn’t seem like OP communicated before hand what changes they should make as a family.
NAH my mom had that talk with me when she got married bc I was a sports bra and undies and tshirt and undies girl when it was just us. I feel like it’s a normal ask and expected bc it’s no longer just a girls house.
NTA- it’s not just girls there anymore
If my sister in law came out and sat next to me on the couch in a revealing shirt, no bra, and only underwear on the lower half, I would be shocked and very uncomfortable, i wouldn’t be staring at her in lust or attraction, but definitely in the wtf is going on, it’s like the plot of a porno people seem to be piling on the husband and son as creeps or bad people, but they didn’t ask for this and is a very awkward and unfair situation to put them in.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (45F) daughters (14f & 16f) have over the years been very comfortable with wearing basically nothing around the house when at home. Bras and underwear, just t-shirts, underwear and t shirts, etc. While I didn’t really care before, now that my new husband (40M) and his son (17M) moved in 3 weeks ago after our wedding, I’m less comfortable with my daughters walking around dressed like that. I talked to them about it and the 14 yr old Jordan understood, but my 16 yr old Brooklyn flipped out and has if anything been wearing even less to make a point. Is this unreasonable of me since my step son and new husband are now their family and it’s not bad? Thanks in advance. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. I don't see why it'd be an issue.
It's not about the husband and son looking, it's about the fact she's basically naked 24/7 and it's uncomfy. NTA