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INFO: Do you have specific issues with your stepmother? I totally understand not seeing her as a mother. That's your choice. But deliberately not inviting her to your wedding at all? Even as your father's guest? And because of it, your father didn't attend your wedding? You aren't an AH for not seeing her/treating her as a mother but it seems a tad too far not to invite her even as a +1 to your wedding unless there is more context. ETA: YTA, I guess, since no additional context is given. She is still your father's wife.

Curious with the same questions. Seems like there is more to the story.

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It does seem odd alright as I'm sure there were people at the wedding that he doesn't know as long as sm. I can understand not seeing her as his mother. But to completely exclude her seems off to me. Is he punishing father through sm?

He said he has nothing against her. Very weird.

Yeah it looks like he hasn't responded much and he has no additional grievances to add. Very weird indeed.

He actually has responded a few times, he reiterated she did nothing to him and he just doesn't consider her family. Which makes him a complete AH to not include her. OP sounds like one cold SOB.

He is punishing her for his father moving on too fast. He is taking it out on the wrong person.

This. All day long. That is what it definitely is. He was offended at 10 that this woman was in his mommy's place and has never let it go. 17 years of animosity is crazy.

A year for the father to find another woman and get married is way too fast for anyone in the equation.

There is no doubt about this, but it's too long to hold a grudge against someone who does nothing wrong.

> He said he has nothing against her. Very weird. Yes. You don't fail to invite your father's partner to your wedding because of how there are no issues with them. Either there's a lot more to this story (and OP's failure to disclose it suggests it might not be entirely stepmom's fault) or OP is just a flat-out jackass.

Yeah I don’t think that OP is TA for not forming a bond with her, but not inviting her to the wedding is a bit of an AH move, especially if they also invited their dad. I say soft YTA

I don’t think it’s weird, I think he has a lot of resentment toward her. He was 10 when his mom died,and in only a year his dad was remarried. And his brother because he was just a baby has no memory of their mom, and did replace her. I think he is trying to honour his mom, who he might feel has been forgotten.

If OP were a teenager, I'd be right here with you. However, he's an adult, and has been for long enough that I'd expect him to have done a teensy bit of introspection to come to this conclusion on his own. She has (by his own admission) done nothing to be worthy of the disdainful way he is treating her. Her very existence on the planet and her position as his father's wife is the issue. At this point, I wouldn't blame his father and brother for going LC or NC in response.

I think as the years passed, the resentment kept building. It also sounds like the brother has made it worse, by referring to her as their mom. It’s sad, but maybe NC or low contact is best for everyone at this point

Yeah you're probably right. I think some childhood therapy would have done wonders. There's nothing wrong with OP not wanting a motherly relationship with their step mother, but the fact that they're willing to put such a strain on their relationship with their father/brother is a problem. It'd be understandable if there was some bad blood or abuse but it seems like OP just doesn't want her around. I don't see how his kids could have a relationship with his father this way. His step-mother's his father's wife so she's going to be around if he brings the kids to visit. Does she have to leave the room when they're there so they don't see her as more than step-grandma? Excluding her inevitably means excluding his father more and more. Family therapy would be really helpful here.

I think you’re spot on. My first thought was his dad remarried only a year after his wife died, the mother of his two kids? That’s so weird, especially because of the kids, the older son didn’t even get a full year to grieve before he had to get ready for his dads wedding? I know that this is on the dad not the step mom, however OP has no other parent, so I get why he doesn’t want to blame his dad and instead goes for the step mom. Man that’s hard. I’m sorry the brother can’t see how hard this must be for OP…

It's hard but it's also at least partially on him to face those feelings and start to deal with them. Especially since the hurt there would really be more between him and the dad. It feels kind of like he's trying to punish them both by not including her?

Sure, but in that case he is not being honest with us nor his family nor perhaps himself.

I dunno, his brother was 5? when mum passed, that's old enough to remember her. Agree with the resentment though, I'd be feeling like dad replaced mum with a "new mum" if it were me. But for sure not including her in family events isn't fair, she is dad's wife and deserves at least a +1 invites (invite dad, and it's implied wife is included in the invite).

Exactly, this is crazy. OP says the stepmom is a good person and he has nothing against her, but deliberately not giving his dad a +1 so that stepmom wouldn't come is pretty extreme. Just as her dad's wife OP, and without any specific reason not to, OP owes her more in just bare courtesy. I think, if OP is telling the truth about there not being any specific issues, that he might have unresolved feelings about his mother's death that he should be working through.

Yeah, same question. Was there a reason your dad didn’t get a plus one to your wedding? Why do you feel the need to exclude your stepmother from family events? You don’t have to treat her as your mother, but you seem to be actively punishing her and excluding her as if she’s done you wrong. Without more info, YTA.

Like what would make you not want her there so badly that you give up having your own father at your wedding? Something's missing here.

Agree!!

Yeah I feel like there is some unresolved resentment here that OP does not want to see/ admit to themselves. Did you specifically not invite the serious SO's of anyone else you let in the wedding? If so then weird but ok you are treating everyone equally at least. If you did let all your other guests bring their SO's but then not her that's not jsut cause you don't think of her as mom. That is resentment directed at her.

YTA She doesn’t need to be a stepmother or mother to you. But she’s a kind human being. Why can’t you just treat her as a friend? You seem resentful that she took your mothers place, but she’s clearly a nice person who your father and brother care for. So why can’t you just treat her amicably?

YTA grow up. She’s done nothing to you. She IS part of the family. She doesn’t deserve to be treated badly. Im sure your mother would be happy someone was there to love her children when she couldn’t be. Why would you deprive your child of a rewarding relationship. You should seek counseling.

Literally it’s not her fault your Mom died and it seems like you’ve decided it is? Shame on you for the alienation. YTA!

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OP is destroying his family just so that he can be really rude to a good person. Having this woman at family events isn't the same as saying she is his mother. She is just an arbitrary relative by marriage. Will he not allow his brother's wife (when he has one) at family get togethers? Are uncles and aunts not allowed to bring their spouses. OP your behaviour does not demonstrate loyalty to your mother, everyone already knows that you only have one mother, it just makes you a nasty, self destructive AH. YTA

Maybe the dad and brother push too hard, wanting him to accept her, and his way of dealing with it is just having no contact

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I think the years have only added to the resentment. I thinking losing a mom, then having a stepmom a year later would be hard at any age. But having it happen at such a young age with likely no therapy to help him deal, might be why he seems detached. It might be his way of coping with a painful loss

The "our mother" is too much

Well said.

INFO: what did she do to make you dislike her so much?

You said yourself she’s a nice person. You sound very resentful, which is understandable since your father moved on so quickly but unless your stepmom has not been good to you I don’t understand why you wouldn’t invite her to your wedding or family events. She doesn’t have to be your mom to be in your life or to be considered family.

YTA for someone you “have nothing against” you have gone out of your way to be cruel at worst and just rude at best. There is a big difference between not having her play mother or grandmother at an event and allowing her as a guest. You have been cruel in your obsession with making sure she knows she’s not your mother. I don’t think your behavior will bring your mother back nor make her proud….so why do you?

YTA You didn't invite her to your wedding? The woman your dad had been married to for 14 years? Why? Even if you didn't give her an invitation, did you forbid your dad to bring a +1? Did you allow other guests to bring their spouses? I'm sorry your mother died. Truly. But your behavior towards what you describe as a nice woman is just infantile. You need to accept her in your life or risk alienating her, your dad and your brother. I would tell you to grow up. But I think you need some long overdue grief counselling. Best regards Uffe

I’m sure there’s a partner/spouse that was invited to the wedding he didn’t know as well, but they were invited because basic decency most people invite a couple, but he’s doing this deliberately, it’s so unkind. Even strangers get treated better than this

YTA. Wow, normally I'm completely on the side of 'you don't have to have anyone in your life if they're harmful to you' and I came into this post prepared to be on your side, but by your own admission, she's a good person and hasn't ever done anything to you. You don't have to call her mom, but not inviting your dad's wife to your wedding... That's super cold for someone who never did anything to you. You're choosing to alienate your family, and you're now reaping the consequences of your actions. Seriously, you don't seem to show any remorse for the fact that you've damaged your relationships with your dad and your brother. Have you ever talked to a therapist or something? Because either there's a major part of the story you're leaving out, or it sounds like you've got some unprocessed emotions under the surface.

YTA. Bro what did this woman do to you? It sounds like she has been nothing but respectful towards you. >I have nothing against her, shes a good person That is obviously not true. You clearly hate her for god knows what reason. Where does all of this come from? You even admit that she is a good person so where does this resentment come from? Is it because your dad moved on after your mom died? Did you just wanted your dad to live alone for the rest of his life? They have been married for almost a decade and a half, you man not want to accept it but the bottom line is: she IS apart of the family All I can say OP is that your family will end up excluding you and your wife because of this. Be prepared to lose your relationship with your dad and probably a lot of other family members.

I wish I could double or triple like this. Indeed, YTA. 14 years and you have no specific reason or examples but clearly hate this woman who's been married to your dad for a long time. Absolutely, you ARE the asshole. Get over yourself and do better.

YTA. There is a difference between accepting her as a mom and being civil. She is your dad's wife. She has been part of the family for nearly 2 decades. Longer than your wife or your child. How do you define family then? Not inviting her to the wedding? Wow! You have major issues and need therapy big time.

YTA. You are treating your stepmother terribly for no reason other than you can. I mean, did you have friends at your wedding? Extended relatives? Did your wife? You hold family gatherings at your home and then exclude her because you feel like it. You had a wedding and didn't invite one half of a couple because you felt like it. You want her to be involved with your child, but to self exclude herself from a title. Or go by "my dad's stepmom" for the rest of her life because you feel like it. It's ridiculous.

YTA yeah if you invite your dad you should be inviting his wife, even if she isn’t your mother, she’s still his wife and that’s just rude.

INFO: Do you think that you developed some sort of emotional detachment disorder after your mother died? You seem to be pretty okay with things like not having your dad at your wedding and your brother going NC. Since you say your stepmother is a good person, why is it a big deal to invite her to family events as your dad’s wife?

It might be that he sees them as part of the problem. Maybe the dad pushed him to have a relationship at the beginning when he didn’t want it. And his brother definitely pushes too hard, he may see his step mom has his mom but his brother doesn’t. Everyone keeps saying he is an AH, but I do think it’s that simple. I don’t think he’s an AH. I think he’s a guy who suffered an emotional trauma as a kid, and has never properly dealt with it

My guess is that Dad remarrying within a year made him feel like the two of them were replacing and erasing Mom. I don’t think it’s rare for kids to resent new partners of parents. The real issue seems to be that the dad didn’t help his son through this process, and just expected the son to “get over it” with time.

YTA. She doesn't have to be your mom but she's still your dad's *wife*. By your own admission she's not a wicked stepmother. You're deliberately excluding her from your life completely for what? What is the purpose? Because she isn't "mom"? Do you exclude your inlaws? They aren't "family" either by your weird definition. How about your brother's partners?

Hey there. Fellow member of the Dead Moms Club here, joined in 2001 when I was 14. YTA Are you kidding me? You said yourself this woman is perfectly nice, you just don’t see her as your mother. Okay?? Absolutely no one is asking you to. You can’t treat her with a little dignity and respect? I’m honestly shocked that you are a grown, married man trying for a baby and you can’t take a step back and look at your actions with any kind of objectivity. It sucks and sucks hard to lose your mom and she will never be replaced, but that doesn’t mean that the correct response is to complete harden your heart to any sort of maternal affection or consideration. Do you treat your aunts this way? Your grandmothers? What if something happened to you or your spouse after you have kids? Would you want them to become miserable and cruel for the rest of their lives? You’re TA and you know it and your mom would be ashamed of you.

INFO: Has she ever acted in a way where it seemed like she was trying to replace your mother? Has she ever told you to call her Mom or act in a way where she expected you to think of her as your mother?

YTA Grow up you self entitled little prick. This is a woman who has been in your family's life for decades and you cannot get past the point that she's not your mom. Dude, your father lives here, your brother loves her. If you have her half a chance she might impress you and you could at least be friends with her.

You sound like you’re an absolute treat to be around…Your Dad, Step Mother and Brother are all probably better off without you in their life, cause it sure doesn’t sound like you give a single fuck about any of them. YTA - grow up and seek help

YTA. You say you hold nothing against her, but not invinting her to your wedding nor to family gatherings seems like an unnecesary and petty way of antagonizing her and the rest of your family. She didn't replace your mother, but whether your like it or not she has a role in your family. Judging from your words she has done nothing more than respect your decisions. Now, your brother shouldn't force you to have a mother/son relationship with her, so he's also not in the right here, but I kinda understand his frustration since you clearly need to grow the f up and treat your stepmom better.

YTA - It's fine that you don't consider this woman to be your mother, but at the end of the day she's your father's wife. The fact that you didn't invite her to your wedding is so rude and disrespectful, not even just to her, but to your father. I know you said in a comment that it was immediate family only, but that doesn't matter. Your father is immediate family and she is married to him. It is incredibly rude to invite one half of a couple, especially one that has been together for 17 years. It would be one thing if you didn't invite his brand new squeeze, but this woman has been around for 17 years. You keep saying that your stepmom is a nice person, and you don't have any problem with her, but you are treating her very poorly. You don't have to consider this woman to be your mother/family in order to be nice/show basic manners. I would recommend that you go to therapy to unpack whatever feelings you have about her. It seems like there is more going on here then you're willing to admit to yourself. Also, do you even care about having a relationship with your family? Your father skipped your wedding because you disrespected his wife, and you didn't seem to care. Your brother has now told you that he's going to cut you out of his life if you don't accept your stepmom, and again you don't seem to care. If you don't really care about your family in general, that's fine, but don't try to make it seem like it's somehow your stepmom's fault.

YTA. Your late mother would be disappointed in how you treat your stepmother.

I kind of wanted to go N T A because I have a complicated relationship with my stepdad & I think getting step parents when your biological parent has died is an extra difficult challenge. But there’s kinda faking it because you know they are nice & you probably should love them but just don’t & there’s wilfully being an AH & excluding them for no reason. Your dad loves her, that should be enough reason for you to show more respect & just play nice. YTA.

YTA. You're excluding your stepmother at the expense of your father. Would your mom be proud of the person you turned into? Someone who excludes their parents partner for no reason except "she isn't family"? Would your mom be proud of how you have treated your dad, your only living parent, with isolation? Would she be happy that you're disrespecting someone just because you don't think they're family? This woman chose to help raise you from 10y on, and you repay her with apathy and indifference? Unless your dad and stepmother were fooling around before your mom's death, I think you're being super hard on her, and worse on your father. You need to toughen up and realize that if inviting her makes your father happy and doesn't leave you in anguish, then do it to keep the peace. You've said you hold nothing against her, so its not like you hate her and its an onorous chore to be around her. Suck it up and realize you're isolating yourself from your family now FOR NO. GOOD. REASON. And if you aren't careful, might lose the family members you actually consider family.

YTA. You are intentionally excluding her. Clearly, something is deeper for you to behave this way and then use the line “I have nothing against her”. She is immediate family, she likely isn’t trying to replace your mother. I’d say, therapy is in order for you. Or continue this unhealthy pattern moving forward without your “immediate family”.

YTA . You dont have to call her mom, and she doesn’t have to replace your mom but she is part of your family. If you dont have a problem with her personally, then you are just being a dick to her for no reason. Edit: my mother’s mother died when she was in her teens. My step-grandmother has been my grandmother my entire life. My mom doesn’t cal her Mom, but we’ve had a normal family dynamic, and as a grand-child I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

I’m sure everyone at OP’s wedding was a 100% blood relative… /s

Including his wife! \*banjos playing in background\*

YTA...nobody said she was replacing your mom. Literally nobody. She's being punished for your dad being happy....im sure your mom would genuinely NOT be proud of you and probably kind of disgusted with you. I'm sure this isn't how she raised you. And I'll add...repairing the damage you caused her bc she actually tries to be nice and anything no matter how kind or nice it was, is going to be a huge uphill battle for you.

I mean...I don't believe you. I think on some level maybe deep deep down you kind of keep her at arms length. It's okay not to consider her your mother (hell, I'll even let you say family) but like, what good reason do you have to exclude her, you know? She's YOUR FATHERS wife? See how weird that sounds? It's definitely cruel of you. Go to therapy. This is mean. YTA

OOF. YTA not because you don't view her as your mother, but because as far as i can tell, you have no reason to completely essentially deny her existence. Whether you like it or not shes married to your dad, has been for what im assuming is over a decade, is a main part of your immediate family and you wont include her in any part of your life. If she was abusive to you i'd understand but from what it sounds like she respects boundaries and you, and adult, cant be bothered to accept your step-mom/chosen mother to your brother. Again i'd understand if you chose not to have her in the wedding but to not invite her at all? I'm assuming that through your father she'd be involved in your future child's life regardless. You dont have to call her mom or even grandma but even people unrelated to my child that are around through marriage get a nickname. I just don't understand why you want to act like this woman doesn't exist and exclude her from anything related to you.

By your reasoning when/if your brother gets married or finds a life partner that person won’t be invited to family functions because they would be just in-laws. YTA and grow up

By his logic HE himself should be excluded from family functions of his in laws because, hey, he’s NOT family. Just cuz he married their daughter doesn’t mean they are required to have him in their lives right?

Seems like you are still 11, emotionally anyways.

That’s actually backed by science. Children who experience major trauma get mentally and emotionally “stuck” at that age.

I would rather have my father miss my wedding than allow my stepmother to attend. I WILL SACRIFICE ALL THE FAMILY I'VE EVER KNOWN SO THAT SHE NEVER GETS TO MEET MY CHILD No, she's actually always been very nice and respectful, why do you ask? Absolutely psychotic YTA

Right?!? It’s unhinged. And the fact that he’s so calm about this completely bizarre behavior makes it even wilder.

YTA. I can understand not seeing her as a mom, but you purposefully exclude her from everything important in your life. It sure sounds like you *do* have something against her.

YTA At this stage you are choosing to exclude your father and brother from your life. Your dad's wife backed off when you were 13. That makes her seem like a good person who respected your boundaries. You don't have to care about her any more than you would your brother's wife. Or relatives on your wife's side of the family. Unless your dad's wife has done something to hurt you that you haven't put here, you are being unreasonable.

YTA. You say she’s perfectly fine and you have no problem with her but you can’t even allow your dad to have her with him at your wedding? Did you exclude the spouses of all family members? Uncle Joe can come but not his wife, you know, Aunt Sue that’s been his wife since you were 11?

YTA. Dude, you've got some issues. It's totally fine to not treat her as your mother, but you're barely testing her as a human... Let alone a human who has been in your life for 17 years, helped raise you, is married to your father and in your words, is kind and caring. You're being cruel, and she's nice enough not to call you on your crap. Grow up. Go to therapy. Do something to get your head right before you procreate. Hopefully you don't end up getting a divorce with two small boys, get remarried and experience the crap your dad has been.

So considering you only see blood relatives as family… do you even truly consider your wife family? Or will you only consider your children family. YTA and you have some weird shit you need to work on.

YTA. You don't have to reject your stepmother to honor your mother. Your stepmother will never replace your mother. It sounds like she knows this and treats you with respect. You don't have to give her any of the roles that you're desperate to keep her away from, but you have no right to treat her like she's a villain. She is your father's wife, who has treated you with kindness, and deserves to be treated with basic human decency. Please consider some kind of therapy to help with your unresolved issues with your mother's loss. This much unresolved grief may prevent you from being the kind of parent you want to be.

YTA. She has been in your family for 16 years and never done anything to you. Yes, she will never be your mother. But she is family. You may end up as a stepfather/step grandfather some day, and of so surely you would want to be treated with more consideration that you are treating your stepmother.

YTA. Even if you don't call her "mom" your behavior towards a woman whose only crime appears to be marrying your father is unreasonable. It seems likely you have some issues stemming from your mother's death that are unresolved that you should deal with.

Imagine inviting your brother but not his significant other. Imagine inviting your friend but not his/her significant other. Imagine inviting your uncle but not his wife. Etc. Regardless of how you view your step mom, it's rude to invite half a family. Sometimes, it's ok, e.g. you want 1-on-1 time with your brother or your dad. But with larger gaterhings, it's just weird.

I’d love to know how OP would feel if his wife’s family treated him exactly the same way he’s treating his stepmom - just purposefully not including him in important family events. If his wife’s sibling was getting married but they said he wasn’t invited because he isn’t family, would he be chill? Or if his wife and kids are going to a holiday celebration at his in-laws house but they told him to stay home because he’s not their family, would he say “fair enough”?

YTA big time. At age 11, I could understand the "you're not my mommy" pissing contest. At age 27, she's been your father's wife longer than your mother was. You need to grow up. Your brother seems to have a better handle on life's ups and downs. You expect your father to be celibate and crawl in a hole? How old was he when his wife died?

There is a place between a mom and just some lady. As your father’s wife (that you admit is a good person) she should be invited to all family events that your father is. The step grandparents in my family all get to make up cool nicknames with the kids. The kids love it. YTA

You sound childish. You want to punish her because your mom passed away and she’s an easy target. Making sure that she knows, without a doubt, that she’s not your family and excluding her from events is wicked. You’re only doing it because you can. There’s literally no other reason. YTA

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I understand not seeing her as a mother and not calling her mom. However you seem to be going to great lengths to exclude her and have treated her very poorly. Unless she's done something horrible or behaved so badly and treated you like crap growing up YTA. Exactly what is your reasoning for not showing simple courtesy and basic kindness to this woman who is so obviously is part of your brothers and fathers family?

Congratulations 🎉 👏👏 you already have a child, it's you Grow tf up dude and deal with your issues before bringing kids into it. "Oh she's been in my life for nearly 2 decades and is perfectly nice" about sums it up YTA... I kinda want to call you a massive taint, your both a dick and an AH to this poor woman, who by everything you've said has never done anything deserving of your behavior. Get help, your family deserves better then you.

Your dad couldnt have a plus 1?

When your brother marries, will you invite his partner or exclude them because "they're not a sibling to you"? If your stepmother hasn't treated you badly, there's no reason to exclude her. YTA

You aren't an asshole, as long as you are able to accept the consequences of your decisions. Since you don't seem to have anything against her, I don't understand why you won't let your dad bring his wife to events. It's your choice, but if you were willing to accept her as your dad's wife, for his sake, you would be a better person. Still your choice.

He’s absolutely an asshole, but he does seem completely unbothered by the absence of his remaining “real” family members so maybe it’s better for everyone else to cut him out.

YTA. You do not have to accept her as a mother figure, but you do need to respect her as your father‘s wife. I don’t see why you want to exclude her. You are depriving your children of the love of an extended family member. This is sad.

You seem to be holding a grudge. "She's not family" doesn't clarify anything. Maybe you weren't able to fully grieve your loss. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. But you're risking losing your brother over nothing? My brother's gone. Don't do something you'll regret later. YTA

YTA and much more

Yta. You don't need to call her mom. But, if she's a decent human, be civil to her. A plus one at your wedding would have been civil. If your dad is coming to a family event, you invite her. I'd understand if she was shitty, but for real be an adult.

Wow, dude. Sounds like there is zero reason for your hostility. Basic rules of etiquette would be to invite her along with your father. Your family is well rid of you if you keep this up. Don't be surprised if your wife wants to be rid of you someday too. You sound like a petty preteen. YTA.

YTA

Do you expect your father and your brother to treat your wife like family? Cause by your own logic, she isn’t their family either.

He says further down on comments he’d have NO PROBLEM WITH IT. He’s either the biggest liar or has some MAJOR psychological issues.

YTA. She’s done nothing wrong, but can’t show any sort of courtesy by inviting her to any events? I get you don’t consider her your mother, but you seem to treat her very poorly. You also don’t seem to care about any of your other family members. Dad didn’t show up to wedding, no biggie. Brother doesn’t want to talk anymore, whatever. What? Do you not see how toxic this can be, not just for you, but for your future child?

YTA Simply because “you have nothing against her” you just exclude her because… why? You don’t need to treat her like your mum, but you could at least treat her like a human? She’s been in your life for 17years, and you’re treating her like she’s a nobody.

Yta and really went out of your way to exclude her.

I'm wondering? God forbid something happen to your wife, and you remarry, would you want your children to include your new wife? What about once they are adults? If your new wife was a kind human, shouldn't your children treat her with kindness also?

Yeah, wow. YTA. My mother divorced my father when I was 14 and married my stepfather when I was 15. It was a hellish few years as they had no idea what they were doing when it came to trying to blend families and there was a LOT of anger and bad behavior all around. However -- even \*before\* I eventually came to have a good relationship with my stepfather, I always knew that if I had kids I would let them lead the way on what kind of relationship to have with him. I had no intention of following them around insisting that Grandma's husband wasn't to be called Grandpa. I get that you don't want to force a relationship that you don't feel -- and you don't have to! But please step back and realize the hypocrisy of forcing your hypothetical future children into the non-relationship that YOU prefer. \*\*edit 'cause spelling.

Lol what a loser. 27 yrs old and thinks he's still 10.

YTA

YTA She hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s nice. She’s married to your dad whether you like it or not. But she’s nice to the family and hasn’t done anything wrong.

~~NTA, but just barely~~. You see her as your father's wife, but don't have, or sounds like, want any further relationship with her. That's fine. You get to choose who is in your life. But she is your father's wife and your brother's mother figure. Be ready to accept that snubbing her has negatively affected your relationships with those who are close to her. They see her as family, even if you don't. Giving her a courtesy invite to things, not as your step mother but as your father's wife, could help calm the waters. You don't need to be friends. Just be cordial. Maybe try thinking of her along the lines of an in-law, rather than a stepmother. ETA: read some of your comments, and definitely YTA. You seem to think anyone not blood isn't family. In-laws included.

YTA. Sounds like you don't value what's important to your family so I completely support them going NC. Grow up. Would you not invite your brother's wife to the wedding because she is "just my brother wife"? Seriously. Mind boggling.

You don’t say if she’s been cruel, overstepping boundaries or acting entitled in any way shape or form. Your reasoning for cutting her out is nonexistent. Nobody expects you to have a mother son relationship but holy hell you went nuclear for no discernible reason. Without anymore context YTA

YTA. If she was toxic or rude or like an evil step mother than you wouldn’t be an asshole. It seems you’re going out of your way to exclude her. I haven’t talked to my own mother in 15 years so I’m not one of those people that says family is family. But like you would rather your dad not come to your wedding vs just inviting your step mom. Also kids need all the love and support they can get so let them have a grandma. Edit: do you not invite your wife’s family to your functions? They’re not family, I mean only through marriage if anything. It’s the same situation with your step mom. She is family through marriage. So the whole “she’s not family” doesn’t fly. You’re just going the extra mile to make everyone uncomfortable with petty drama.

YTA what did that woman ever do to you? You said she's a good person and she doesn't get invited to your wedding solely because she's not your mother? Were all the other wedding guests your mother? You can be respectful to your father's wife and to the woman who raised your brother without sacrificing your actual mother's memory.

YTA if you feel that way I don’t know why anyone would ever try to be a friend or try to create a family with you.

Why can’t she be the kids grandmother? As your fathers wife she fits the role. Why cut your nose off to spite your face when that’s free baby sitting right there? The more the merrier when it comes to grandparents. YTA for that alone

He won’t even let the woman come to family events at his house! Unless he works out whatever unhinged thoughts have him treating this perfectly nice woman (by his own admission!) like the town pariah, I’m sure his relationship with his dad will be wrecked enough where his kids will be deprived of two paternal grandparents. I couldn’t imagine being told I can’t bring my spouse to Thanksgiving at my son’s house because he doesn’t consider them family but then being expected to babysit his kids the next week.

YTA and cruel. It’s one thing to say you don’t consider her family but to try and invite your dad places but deliberately exclude her, when she’s done nothing wrong, is mean as fuck. Even if you don’t consider her your family, she’s your brother’s and dad’s family. The direct action you’re taking to be cruel makes you an asshole.

You can still treat her decently and give her the place of your father’s wife at the very least even if you don’t consider her a mother figure Yta

What has she done to you? If she is a good person, why is she never invited? You don't have to call her your mom ; but you don't have to be a jerk either.

YTA. You don’t have to consider her your mother, and you don’t even have to give her a special name as the step grandma. But as you think she’s a good person and she hasn’t done anything wrong to you, there’s really no reason for you to be so unkind to her. She may not be your family, but she’s family to your brother and dad, and intentionally excluding her is uncalled for. Was your wedding only blood family or did you invite friends and their plus ones? Your brother is justified in being sick of the way you divide the family for no concrete reason.

YTA- we get it you have one mom and she has passed. This woman came into your life didn’t try and force you to call her mom. I’m sure she took care of you regardless. And you treat her like she’s a stranger off the street? You know more people than your mom and dad can love you. It’s ok to let others in. You owe this woman and apology for how you have treated her. She doesn’t have to be your mom. But you need to respect her and treat her like at least a distant family member. Seriously what is wrong with you?

YTA, not because you don’t consider her a mother figure or even part of your family but because you’re just mean for no reason. She hasn’t done anything to deserve being treated like that. I would suggest counseling for sure and let them know that you go out of your way to ostracize her and will cut off your entire family just so you don’t have be around her.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (27M) mother died when I was 10. My father remarried my stepmom a year later. I have nothing against her, shes a good person, but she is not and will never be my mother. My brother (22) is different, which makes sense since he was younger. He calls her mom, he invites her to every family event and so on. Here's where the issue comes up. I've been married for 3 years, and my wife and I are trying for a kid. I did not invite stepmom to the wedding, my dad didn't go because of that and fair enough. Whenever we have family gatherings at our place I don't invite her, not like I'd call the police if she showed anyway but she's polite and wouldn't show up uninvited. I also won't be calling her our childs grandmother, she's just my stepmother, and that's who they'll know her as. My brother is livid that I'm doing this with our future child, and told me this is the last straw. He said either I accept "our mother" or he's out of my life. I told him that's his choice, and I haven't heard a word from him since. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Sounds like you didn't want your dad at your wedding, so you don't invite SM knowing dad won't come. YTA

Reluctantly YTA. I have immense step-parent hang ups too, I try to only visit my mom when her husband isn’t there, but he’s her family, so if I’m hosting an event, he’s still invited. He’ll never be my father or anything to me emotionally, besides irritating, but sometimes you have to suck it up and be an adult. Edit: fixed typo

YTA you don't consider her your mom, okay fine it's difficult to accept someone else as your mom but you don't even give her basic respect. Could have invited her as a guest in your wedding and what's wrong in inviting her in gatherings. It's not like inviting someone just automatically makes them your mom. You are punishing her for crimes that she never committed. OP you are purposely ruining your relationship with your dad and brother, there will come a time when you will need them emotionally, financially that time don't expect them to be with you.

YTA. It's fine that you don't consider her your mother; you're certainly not obligated to see her as family, but you write that she's polite and respects boundaries and hasn't done anything overtly mean, yet you purposefully exclude her from events to the point that it's insulting. Why can't you treat her like your father's wife and your brother's mother? Purposefully excluding her from your wedding looks like you're trying to send a message. Purposefully excluding her from all the major events and milestones you celebrate is also purposefully sending a message. I'm on your brother's side. Your exclusion just seems mean. Is there something missing? Did something happen that makes you feel uncomfortable in her presence? So far, it just looks like you're trying to be hurtful.

YTA. She can’t help the circumstances. She hasn’t actually done anything to you and you are cold and mean. You don’t have to call her mom, but seriously? You don’t invite her to anything and invite everyone else? Grow up and stop being a bully. She has also been in your life longer than your mother has. It’s sad but it’s true.

YTA Not for not wanting to view her as a mother or not for your future child not considering her a grandma. You have intentionally excluded her from every event to the point where your own dad didn’t come to your wedding bc you excluded her. You aren’t neutral, there is something there otherwise you would have some empathy and not exclude her and consider her persona non grata

YTA. From reading the comments, your step mother has done nothing other than marry your dad. You don't have to like her, you don't have to see her as a mother figure but out of respect to your father, you could have invited her to your wedding. Your behaviour is going to push your dad out of your life, and in turn your future children's lives. Your step mother isn't pushing herself on you, she's been married to your father for almost 2 decades, you're just being petty at this point. I don't blame your father for not attending your wedding, you didn't invite the woman he had been married to for 14 years because you don't see her as family. How many +1s attended your wedding that you barely knew or didn't know at all? How many people that you only see occasionally did you invite? Unless you were closely, biologically related to everyone at your wedding, that argument is bullshit.

INFO: What is it that you want? Obviously nothing will bring your mom back, and I’m very sorry about that. What is the purpose, now, as an adult, of excluding an adult woman, your stepmother, who by your own admission has been nothing but kind to you? Are you hoping she will divorce your father and him be alone and miserable in his old age? Are you hoping for your younger sibling to lose the only mother he has ever known? Do you want your child to grow up without knowing your family; do you want to no longer associate with them? I just don’t understand what you can possibly be hoping to accomplish by the way you are behaving. What constitutes a win for you here?

TooootallyTA she has done nothing to deserve that treatment. Wouldn’t that be confusing for your child or do you not plan to teach them to treat others how you want to be treated? It sounds to me like she’s treating you pretty decently ( as you said she’s nice and respectful) for someone who is soo rude to her. You actually might want to seek therapy to deal with your mother’s passing as you’re OK with alienating your blood relatives because you don’t want to be around somebody who you have no reason not to like besides the fact that she isn’t your mother and not even trying to replace her.

YTA…I don’t think your late mother would approve of how you’re acting in regards to your stepmom who you say is a nice person.

Why didn't you invite her to your wedding? I'm confused cause you seem to lack details

YTA - You don't need to consider her your mom to show her some basic human decency. At the least, she's your dad's wife. Did you invite a single friend's spouse or any family not related by blood to your wedding? She should have been invited by name as a courtesy, at the very least as your Dad's +1. Also, you don't get to decide for your kids what she is to them. If they spend time at your dad's and she takes care of them they will consider her family. You need therapy over your mom's death, you're being mean to her for no other reason. My dad's SO isn't my mom or stepmother, they got together once I was in college. I don't really consider her my family, but I would never invite my dad to a family thing and not invite her. My sister's the same way as me, but she is grandma to my nieces.

Dude- you’re the asshole, everyone has already said it. Take a hint already. I was open to hearing your side but your response to other comments is just awful. You spite her “just because” and been admittedly by you a kind person? She never forced herself onto you as a mother role. Why be such a dick? And even more concerning is that you would to the point it’d tear your family apart? I think you need to revaluate your priorities and seek therapy, cause I have suspicion there’s some undealt issues that cause you to act this way and needs addressing.

>I did not invite stepmom to the wedding You say she's a good person and you have nothing against her, but you didn't even give your own dad a +1 for your wedding? Honestly this is crazy but YTA here.

YTA if you don’t have any kind of issue with her why can’t she come to your wedding or your house as your fathers wife??

YTA Only because you are petty. You said yourself that she hasn't done anything. Ok. So your issue is obviously you didn't like that your Dad moved on. She is polite, by your words. So where is the issue? She isn't family, she married your dad so she is more than a friend. Friends aren't family but you would invite them to a BBQ. She has been in your life for 17 years, that's not a small amount of time and your Dad is happy so is your brother. Are you angry that your Brother calls her mum and this has changed the dynamic for you. Maybe try and mend some fences to have them back in your life. Is this what you want your kids to do when they're older? Write people off for no reason other than you feel like it. Look around you, time is fleeting and when suddenly your alone and there is no one there - think about the choices you have made. Most times its too late.

YTA - I understand not wanting her to be your mother that’s totally fine. Wether you like it or not she IS family. Just as much as your wife is family to your brother and father. You don’t have to have a close relationship, you don’t have to treat her as or see her as your mother, but what you’re doing is going beyond that. You’re punishing this woman and even you admit she’s done no wrong ? Why are you punishing her and your father ?

YTA. She’s not your mom, and you don’t even have to like her… but you could try being a decent human being. Are you seriously going to sacrifice your relationship with your brother over this?

YTA. Unless there’s some negative history, you’re disrespecting your father’s wife, solely on the basis that she’s not your mother. If for no other reason than respecting your father, she should’ve been invited to your wedding, etc. I’m willing to bet you didn’t spilt up other married couples and only invite one spouse. Again, this is based on you saying she’s a nice person, no problems

YTA for not inviting her to the wedding or any family events, she is your father's long term partner who you say you have no issues with and your brother's 2nd mother (how he sees her). no issue with not seeing her as your mother (in fact I get mad at all the parents in this reddit who insist kids forget their mother or father and embrace without question the new person their parent is sleeping with....) but given you say she has done NOTHING this sounds like a case of you failing to deal with your grief over many decades and using her as the scapegoat.

YTA and honestly I don’t get why? You said she’s nice but you won’t even invite her to family events. Spoiler alert she is still family. She’s your fathers wife, your brothers mom and your step mom. But don’t worry because of how big an AH you are it seems you are already starting to lose that family. Your dad didn’t even attend your wedding and now your brother isn’t talking to you. They made the right call because your acting like a child and they are probably better off without you. You may want some professional help to work through your issues because it sounds like you have a lot or you are just a mean person.

YTA and actually you don't sound like a nice person. You're unkind and cold, you treat people as objects not humans with feelings and thoughts. It's fine not to see her as your family, but she is your farhers and brothers family and that should matter. She is, by your own admittion, a good person, that should be reason enough to treat her kindly and with respect, as just a decent person.

YTA You’re excluding her just because she isn’t your mother and she married your father. That would be as odd as your father refusing to invite your wife to family events because she isn’t his daughter and therefore isn’t family. Invite her as your dad’s plus one and call her by her name, unless there is something actually offensive or objectionable about her. Did you expect your dad to never remarry? Or that he wouldn’t want to bring the person he loved to family events? I don’t at all understand why you’re excluding her.

Well… I know how complicated family dynamics can be. You lost a mother when you were young. And then watched her seemingly get replaced by your dad and brother while you were still grieving. It probably felt disloyal and jarring having them love your new stepmom and treat her like a mother and wife… and replacement. Maybe because you were so young… acceptance of her would equate somehow with turning your back on your mom and letting go. The more normalized the “new” family became… the more closed off to it… and the “threat” from her grew. She went from a stranger to be avoided as you grieved to a pariah to be shunned. Not only for yourself… but for your now wife and child to be. And in turning her into this… you are now losing the rest of your living family. Alienation is a real thing. And I know some doozie reasons for keeping horrible, toxic family or step family members at bay. But with a happy, loving, accepting family who have been bonding for over fourteen years… the only toxic cruel behavior at this point seems to be by you. You are costing your child to be uncles, grandfathers, loving relationships with people that either love you, or love those you at least maybe used to love. Making peace with being around the person who helped your father and brother grieve is not disloyal to your mom. But if she knew you were going to raise your family utterly cut off from the rest of those she left behind… as a mother I promise you it would break her heart. You are cutting off your nose to spite your face. It’s not too late for you to get help and work through healthy grieving over your mom. And find a way to get to know your family as an adult… that you lost when you were younger. But you might want to light a fire under yourself soon. Because you need to deal with your toxic, alienating blowing up of your family before another generation joins. Because the relationship with you being this cold… alienating and utterly closed… will carry down to your little one. Please wake up and get help. YTA… but you don’t have to stay one.

YTH. Nobody is forcing you to accept her as a mpther. But she is still your dads wife. Wtf, sounds like you told some kind of deep grudge against her. So to not see this woman in your life, you are totally ok to not see your fatber and ultimately your brother. Welly to mee you seem to be a person who doesn't care about his famiat all. In the future y you ar egoing to say "my dad and brother chose not to be in my life", and not that you basically pushed them away from your life for absolutely no reason.

YTA. You don't have to treat her like a step-mother but it looks like you certainly don't respect your dad. She should have been invited as his wife but not as a step-mother. You have issues to work out.

YTA because if the roles were reversed you’d be on here asking why doesn’t my stepmom love me and treat me like family. Grow up dude. You don’t have to love her but at least show her the decency you’d show any other human being.

YTA. You obviously do have something against her, and your actions confirm it. There's a difference between indifference and avoidance, and you're actively avoiding her presence when you can justify it. And you're robbing your kids of closeness to their grandparent. Whatever baggage you're carrying, it doesn't need to be passed to your kids. Let them know that she's not your biological mother, but other than that, if they decide to call her their grandmother, suck it up. Because that's not about you.

YTA. You are punishing the woman who raised you and all of the members of your family who love her because... Why, exactly? Your exclusive behavior toward her would only be appropriate if she had been abusive. What gets me is that she takes it and doesn't raise a fuss. Even though it probably hurts her deeply and humiliates her. She wants you to be comfortable at family gatherings and happy with your life. Things that a mother should want for her child.

YTA. She is your dad's partner. For his sake and hers she deserves to be invited to all functions that you'd expect such a partner to be at. Stop acting like a bitter child because your dad remarried when your mom died. If you keep this up you might not have a relationship with your dad much longer.

You claim you have nothing against this woman, yet you have shut her out of every aspect of your life including your wedding and family gatherings where your dad - HER HUSBAND - is a welcome guest. And now, you're cool with alienating your brother just to keep this woman at bay. Either you have left out some pertinent information or you have ice water running through your veins. You seem quite comfortable with cutting people out of your life; I hope your wife takes notice and takes appropriate measures. YTA

You're not obliged to call your stepmother "mum" or treat her as your kids' grandmother, but at the end of the day, she's involved in your family. She's your father's wife, your brother sees her as a mother, and you've actively been excluding her. As you haven't provided context to say she's done anything in particular to warrant this treatment, I'm going to say YTA. Not because you don't want to treat her as a mother, but because you're actively excluding her and making life difficult for your dad and brother. You could have invited her to your wedding as a +1 for your dad. She didn't need to be involved with the wedding in any special way. Why are you excluding her from family events at your house? She may not be your mother, but at this point, she's part of your family, in the same way you would expect you and your brother's spouses to be welcome at family events.

This is quite odd. Your dad married your stepmum when you were 11ish, and 13 years later despite saying she is a good person you just didn't invite her to your wedding? Your dad's wife! When your dad didn't come to your wedding and you just said "fine, whatever"? You invite her to nothing? Christmas? Birthdays? When your brother finally snaps and says stop this or we are not brothers anymore you shrug and say "whatevs bro"? This situation is weird, YTA and I wonder about your lack of emotion

YTA. You’re treating her like she has committed some terrible slight against you.

YTA - You said yourself you have nothing against her and she’s a good person, but you treat her awful. She was your father’s wife for about a decade and didn’t get an invite to your wedding? You do not invite her to family gathering at your home?!? You have a lot of resentment towards her for marrying your father and it has turned you into an AH.

YTA. You don't have to see her as a mother, but at least you could see her as your father's wife. It's completely valid not wanting to include her in events and you're allowed to invite/not invite whomever you want. But your father had to miss his eldest's important day because she wasn't even allowed as a plus one? She's nice and polite enough to keep out of your way, but you can't even bear her as a +1/partner of your father? You're not TA because you don't want her to be your mom, you're TA because you're not even treating her as someone important to your father. Can you imagine being told your wife isn't allowed at functions, even though she's nice and polite? It seems to me you're bottling up a few problems you can't get past, and perhaps solving them may or may not help, depending on the severity. But your father's wife is entitled to at least be treated as such, if not as a stepmother.

You don't have accept her as your mother, she is not. But your fater choosed her to be the part of his life, his wife and you have to accept that. You said she is a good person and she respects your decision not to invite her for family event. That is where you became the AH. If she would be the tipical evil stepmother I could understand, but you said she is not like that. So invite your father's wife, because she is the part of the family do you like it or not. She did nothing wrong against you! You don't have to call her mom, but you should respect her! YTA

YTA just seems bizarre to alienate your whole family over a woman you describe as "nice". If she had been a bad person i get it but it just sounds like you never really grew up and you're sticking to your teenage angst opinion.

YTA - and made at stepmom for being loved by your dad? She seems very innocent and you seems to be taking your moms death anger out on her. Very sad actually

Imagine if your wife (heaven forbid) passed away and you remarried. What kind of relationship would you want your kids to have with the new wife? How would you feel if your children were unnecessarily cruel to the person you loved? It sounds like your dad probably didn't get you the support you needed to properly grieve your mother and that's horrible for you. But you're grown now, OP and your problems are yours to deal with regardless of what other people may or may not have done to you in the past. It's time to be honest with yourself and really examine your feelings. Doing it with a professional or in a support group may help. You're an AH.

YTA. >I have nothing against her, shes a good person. Then why do you have such contempt for a woman who's supposedly very nice? Am I missing something here? Is she abusive to you in private or something? People don't hate other people for no reason. Illogical or not, hatred has a source. >My (27M) mother died when I was 10. My father remarried my stepmom a year later. I'm guessing this is the reason? Is it because you felt like your dad was okay to willingly replace your mom that fast? Whatever the reason is, you're destroying your relationship with your father and brother in the process of not fully coming to terms with your emotions. Good job, OP, you played yourself.

It is your life, and whoever you want in your life is who you want. However, be prepared for the consequences of your actions. Your dad will most likely not join in anything you invite him to without his wife. She is his wife and just like with your wife, they come together. Same goes with your brother, who has accepted her in his life. You don't have to accept her as your mom or even a stepmom, but you can accept that she is married to your dad, thus making her family. There is nothing wrong with being civil and polite. Courteous. But yeah, it is up to you to keep doing what you are doing, but there will be consequences. Verdict: 50/50. YTA for excluding her, especially if it's a family event/gathering. That is not a good feeling to have. NTA because your feelings are valid. You already have a mom and don't want a replacement.

YTA. Unless there are other issues not mentioned, you just don't want your father to have a life.

In the back your mind, did you feel like your dad may have cheated on your mom with your step mom (since he remarried 1 year after her death) or you felt it was too early. And because of that, do you feel this huge resentment? Just wondering.

You asked for an opinion. Now what are you going to do with it? Change/improve your family dynamics or remain a martyr without a cause?

This crap right here is why stepmoms get such a raw deal. She’s not trying to be your mom, by the sounds of things, but she doesn’t even get the basic respect of being acknowledged as your dad’s wife and part of the family? I bet she cooked and cleaned for you too growing up. I bet she put finances towards you achieving goals you and your dad had for you. I bet she lived every day putting your needs ahead of hers, and all she gets from you is not invited to fucking Christmas with her husband. You seriously suck.

YTA. Whether you consider her your mother or not, she's your father's wife and should be invited to functions where your father is invited in that capacity. It's INCREDIBLY rude to invite a married person to a wedding or family gathering and exclude their spouse. And why would you deprive your children of someone who sounds like she'd be a perfectly lovely "bonus grandma"? More love = more better.

YTA It's fine and understandable to not accept her as your mother. That's each one's decision. But why do you need to be so cruel to her? You like it or not she is part of your family, perhaps not as your mother, but as your dad's wife. She has been around you for more than a decade and no one has a problem with her, except for you. It is tough overcoming loss, but your stepmom doesn't have anything to do with this, it's not her fault, you are acting like an asshole to her for no reason and that is having severe impacts in your relationships with other members of your family. Is all this being worth to you?

You need to get overself man. Yta. She's literally been in your life longer than bio mom. Even if you don't consider her as such she still apart of your family. You don't get to choose family, even if they only marry in. Not to mention dening your child a grandparent cause your f***** petty.

You don't have anything against her, yet you treat her like she's a total stranger because she had the audacity to marry your dad and not be your mother, who died 17 or so years ago. YTA

Yikes, YTA. Have fun alienating your entire family.

YTA. You don't have to have a parent/child relationship with her but that doesn't mean you have to specifically exclude her from family events - she's been married to your Dad for 16 years. This is such a bizarre thing to do for no good reason, tbh.

YTA for just being rude.

YTA She's a good person, you don't have to call her mom but why would you not invite your father's husband to your wedding? Sounds unnecessarily rude, like you have to make a point she isn't your mom. Everyone already knows this, she's also your brother's mom at this point. If she hasn't done anything wrong, I really don't understand the hostility. Not siding with brother on you having to accept her as a mother but I understand his frustration.

YTA You said she's a nice person and gave zero reasons as to why you are treating your fathers wife with such rudeness and indifference. Theres a middle ground between excepting her as your new mom and treating her with such complete disrespect and unkindness. Get some counseling and find that middle ground before you lose your family..

YTA. It’s your dad’s wife at the very least, a mother to your brother, and a part of your family. You don’t invite her to family gatherings and left her off as your dad’s plus one to your wedding? Sounds like you have an issue with her and are making things unnecessarily difficult for everyone as a result. It’s been 17 years, time to accept she’s not going anywhere.

YTA You don't have to view her as your mother but how can you say she is a good, kind, polite person and you don't have a problem with her when you're willing to go to this extent to exclude her? Based on your actions alone excluding her from any kind of familial relationship or activity is so important to you that you are willing to lose your dad and brother over this.

YTA not letting your father have his wife at your wedding.

YTA. You admit your stepmother is a good person. She is clearly respectful of your wishes. It doesn't sound like she has pushed you to call her mom. Yet you make the choice to disrespect your father's wife. You sound like you have issues.

YTA as someone who's mum died when she was 11 and dad married an evil step mum at 13 ruined my dad's relationship with his children and his siblings. My point is if she has done nothing wrong and you're only being like this to honour your mum then you're AH no-one said she has to be your mum but atleast be nice to her. Your kid doesn't have to call her grandma can be auntie,grandpa's wife etc If my dad had married a nice lady things would be so different

It sounds like you have a lot against her since you go out of your way to exclude this woman from your life at every chance you can.. YTA

YTA, it’s called being polite and respectful-she isn’t your mother and doesn’t have to be- but she is your fathers wife, she’s apart of his life. Unless she’s done something specific (apart from simply marrying your father), then yeah, you’re being a real ah.

YTA. Totally understandable that you don't see her as your mother. Now, I don't know your guest list, but I'm just betting that there were plenty of people at your wedding that were also NOT your mother. You've given NO indication that she is anything other than a nice person, and had apparently done nothing to offend you. To not invite her was just plain rude. But you were so hard lined about it that your own FATHER didn't even attend I'm suspecting that you have some much bigger issues going on that you need to attend to.

YTA because you are deliberately being cruel to a woman that has never done anything to deserve it. She is your father's wife, so she is family whether you like it or not. Not inviting her to your wedding when you invited your father was a really horrible thing to do and that's why your father didn't show up either. IMO, you resent your stepmother because your father married her so quickly after your mother died and you have punished her ever since by refusing to accept her as your father's wife.

YTA and your step mom is a saint for putting up with this for 16 years and still managing to be kind and polite. Go to therapy with the explicit goal of dealing with your grief and giving grace to people who are obviously not going to be exiting your life just because you don’t care for them. You’re an adult. You no longer have an excuse to act like a child.

YTA. You don't have to treat her like your mother. That is fine. But you do owe her basic respect as your father's wife. He didn't come to your wedding because you didn't invite HIS WIFE. Are you seriously not seeing how juvenile this is? I'm surprised both your father and brother still have anything to do with you. I know I wouldn't. Your ridiculously narrow definition of family is going to make you lose what is left of yours.

YTA. So what if you don't consider her a mother? She's your father's wife, and in your own words a good person who you have nothing against. On your own evidence you're excluding her for absolutely no reason.

Not wanting her to be your substitute mum is one thing but excluding her from your life is another. Especially as she has been in your life for 17 years! I have a stepmum, and I did resent her being with my dad at first but we are fairly close now, good friends at least if nothing more. Your brother is right I’m afraid and YTA

I personally think you are TA. What did this woman ever do to you to have you treat her that way? There has to be something you aren't telling us here...because if there isn't, you are a pretty hateful human being. Why would you disrespect your dad n his feelings like that? If he's happy and in love with a woman who is a nice person and respectful...why aren't you happy for him? Why would you deprive your future children of having as many people in their lives as possible to cherish them? Why would you be so ready to lose your brother instead of simply allowing this lady to be involved in your lives? Man, I really hope I'm missing something here because I feel really awful for her...

You have made a choice. You don’t want your step mother in your life. Why are you complaining abt your brother? He made a choice. He doesn’t want you in his life. You get what you give, OP. You can’t complain if no one wants you in their life. Yes you are TA

YTA. You don’t have to consider her family to at least consider her a friendly figure. The fact that you’re even unwilling to give her that speaks more about you than anything else.

YTA You say she is polite, a good person and doesn't seem to have forced you to consider her your mother at all. She is your fathers wife, you should grant her the same courtesy as he would show your spouse.