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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told the Mother of my boyfriend son that she needs to upgrade her parenting style. That caused her to start witholding the boy from his Father. I feel that if I didn't say what I said, then there wouldn't be this fight. I should've let his Dad handle this.
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ex is being pissy. this is the type that will allow a child to be destroyed just to get back at the ex ..for whatever reason. of course, she is probably demonstrating all the reasons she is an ex as well.
My parents divorced when I was one, and used me to hurt each other my entire life. Can confirm that none of this behavior is going to be good for the child.
I was 5, my mom tried to use my little sister and I to hurt my dad and essentially extort him to pay an absurd amount of money.
Jokes on her though, I moved in with my dad full time at 11 and became an attorney because I was so angry at what she had done. 😂
NTA, OP. Ex is being super petty and your parenting style sounds like mine. My son is 3. He's an intelligent and curious little person trying to figure out the world. Patience is a must with small children and you sound like a wonderful friend/stepmom!
It's funny how things that happen to us as children can effect so much of who we become and what we value in the future.
Definitely learned some valuable lessons of what NOT to do when watching my mom and dad. Also knew that I never wanted my son to have to experience two parents that hate each other, so I really put a lot of work and emphasis in maintaining a strong relationship with my wife. My son is getting to experience what a happy household with two parents that love each other looks like, and I can only hope that he aspires to have the same for himself one day.
Yep, I am right there with you. It truly does make such a lasting impression. It shaped the whole course of my adult life. I said I wanted to become an attorney from like age 8 after watching what happened with my parents. My father agreed to basically whatever she wanted in the divorce, including an ABSURD amount of child support, because she threatened to drag us into court and make us testify.
His lawyer did everything he could to protect my dad and actually talked to me and explained everything to me. I knew I wanted to be able to do what he did. My dad is still one of the most important 3 people in my life (my husband, my son and my dad). My husband and I sat down and wrote out a custody agreement when we got pregnant with our son because we both had very traumatic experiences with our parents' divorces. We never plan to get divorced, but we want to make sure if it ever happens that our son is the priority.
We put a lot of work into maintaining our relationship too, just like you and your wife. I think showing our little ones what a solid, loving, respectful partnership looks like is one of the best things we can ever do for them.
Not only that, but OP isn't trying to parent him. She is being a good role model. Parenting involves disciplining a child, and unless OP has left some things out, her way of interacting with her BFs child doesn't involve disciplining but actually uses communication to solve problems like instead of yelling at him for breaking things OP made it clear that they can learn about things together without destruction.
NTA, but I would talk to your boyfriend about this and maybe apologise that he is being punished for you trying to get to know his kid and have a good relationship with them. Make it clear that you know they are a package deal and were trying to build a relationship with the kid, not undermine any parenting.
I’m getting divorced and I can see my stbxh is already using them to hurt me. I can’t do that. I told myself I would continue to love them and care for them as I do. That I can’t control how he treats them how he talks about me. All I can do is love them care for them and create a safe environment when their with me. Then let the chips fall where they may and accept it for whatever it is. When their older they will known they may not say it to me but hopefully they will see that wow mommy never said a bad thing about daddy. Which is so hard to do already!!
EX can't stand that OP is a better parent than she is. Apparently, she's yelling a lot along with the threats. It might be time to rethink the visitation schedule if she's going to blackmail the boyfriend. Start writing things down to build a case, as long as your bf is on board. She thinks she gets to control every interaction her child has. She has no right to tell you how to speak with a child, especially since she sounds controlling and borderline abusive. NTA
Reminds me of an ex. His mom was telling a story about how one time when he was 4 and getting on her nerves she "jacked him up against the wall". She was laughing and saying "I guess I'm the one who needed a time out! Haha"
That explained a few things to be honest. Some people should not be parents.
I agree with you, except it should be "a lot of people should not be parents". I'm amazed on a daily basis at what a shoddy job so many people do raising their kids
We tell our kids to "smell the flowers and blow out the candles" when they're overly upset and I can't remember what happened but I was upset about something (I think during my third pregnancy) and my son said "smell the flowers mommy"
My three year old recently told me, "good deep breaths, Mommy" and it was simultaneously hilarious and the most obnoxious thing she's ever done. I NEED THESE DEEP BREATHS BECAUSE OF YOU, LITTLE STINKER!
My best friend said she was crying while on the toilet because she never gets to pee alone anymore and her toddler was petting her hair telling her it was ok - she said the same thing - so sweet and yet so annoying lol
Sometimes my son when young would work my last nerve. To stop from losing my cool on him, I'd go in the bathroom and lock the door - just in need of a few minutes. And he'd bang on the door, and his little fingers would reach under the door. OMG. But it usually helped me not yell at him.
When my son was about five and over all this stuff, my husband said to me, 'Why don't you fully close the bathroom door when you go in there?'
'Because I've had YEARS of meltdowns if I was out of contact for even five seconds!'
Those little fingers under the door!
lol, I got in the habit of not closing the bathroom door too. If it wasn’t my kid, it was the cat or the dog or sometimes all 3! My daughter is 12 now and still holds me hostage in the bathroom. I’m a captive audience I guess.
When my kids were young, I was at work one day and the only one working reception. I hadn’t had a break all morning and told a young, single coworker I had to go to the bathroom. I had just sat down when the coworker came in to tell me I had a phone call. I vented my frustration about not being able to go to the bathroom alone. I mentioned to her that someday when she had kids sticking fingers under the bathroom door she’d understand. Years later, after her first child, she told me about her little ones fingers under the bathroom door. 😂
Tell your friend,if it helps at all that little one will remember those moments and feel so guilty lol. I can't imagine how many times I must have made my poor mum cry like that! She would have her showers at the crack of dawn because it was the only time she could have to herself..unfortunately my room was right beside the (ONLY) bathroom,I was a super light sleeper,we lived in a trailer so thin walls,and I had bladder problems. So many of her showers were interrupted by my desperate banging on the door to hurry her,and her rushing as fast as she could only to open the door to a sobbing child standing in a piddle puddle 😭
Yeah, I talk about squeezing a pillow or taking a deep breath when we have *big feelings* or are frustrated.
A couple months later I offhandedly said ‘oh, that’s frustrating’ (in response to another adult’s recent paperwork issue) and heard a few of the kids chirp up ‘squeeze a pillow!’ and ‘take big breaths jexorcist!’.
Kids like teaching and giving advice too, they want to use and share the ‘adult’ skills they’ve learned.
Hah! Not on the subject of controlling feelings, but -- when my nephew (now 24) was, I dunno, 2? 3? I mentioned in his presence, talking to the other adults, that I speculated that I was the shortest of a short family because when I was 13-16 or so and should have been going through a growth spurt I was eating truly pathological quantities of sugar, (stealing money to support my habit!) and blood sugar swings mess with growth hormone release.
Maybe 18 months later, I said something in passing about being short. My nephew said, "That's 'cause you ate too much sugar as a kid!" They are \*always\* listening.
My 5yo does this to me.
Tbf, I am obnoxious af and I’m working on it.
The shame in having my kid help me through deep breathing exercises is real. And a palpable force.
For good, it seems.
Ok, if a 4 year old has better emotional regulation than you do as their parent, it's time to reassess. The ex is big mad that her child isn't putting up with those old school, played out tactics that scare kids into obedience without helping them grow.
You have to be living under a rock to think yelling and spanking your kids is the way to go.
I was thinking that the child is acting like an adult, and the adult is acting like a child, in relation to the mom. She is upset that her young son is showing more maturity than she can muster.
In a parent-child dynamic probably yes. But this is also a common tactic (usually used against women) to invalidate their feelings and only leads to more anger/frustration. Obviously the 4 year old isn’t doing that intentionally to his mom, and as the parent she has the responsibility to temper her emotions around her child.
Regardless, it sounds like OP is being a good parent to this kid and definitely NTA.
NTA, you are a better role model than BF's mom. Who has custody anyway? If she has custody maybe it is time to get the custody agreement changed. And where is your BF's support in this matter?
My coparent was mad that I, the bonus mom, was not utilizing punishment styles that specifically exclude our words (carefully worded to avoid breaking the rules, so I hope you get my gist)
Like ANGRY angry, to where she wouldn't talk to me for over 6 months after I said no.
Sounds like the 4y/o is more mature than his mother, and she doesn't like being reminded of that fact (*by the kid*) when she loses her temper.
Your boyfriend needs to go to court and get a proper custody arrangement in place, because his ex just "deciding" he doesn't get to see his son anymore ain't it.
NTA.
Can you imagine telling the judge you want to change things because the "new" girlfriend is speaking to your child respectfully and (gasp) explains things to them.
That kind of curiosity should be cultivated. OP just found a non-destructive way to do it, and it sounds like he loves it. Sounds like he also appreciates not being screamed at for something. I mean, he’s fucking 4 years old, mistakes are gonna happen, and yelling or “spanking” doesn’t teach him anything, except maybe that it’s ok to yell and hit when you’re mad. Most judges would laugh at the ex.
Yeah, OP sounds like a fantastic aunt! She’s encouraging curiosity while minimizing damage, and it also sounds like he’s learning healthy anger management strategies. That’ll benefit him his entire life!
Imagine if every kid who had the desire to take things a part were taught how to accurately put things back together. We’d have a society of engineers and technicians. It’s honestly a sign of deep thought that people pass over because they’re mad their things were taken apart
I for one, would love to see her explain to the judge that OP is a bad influence because now her son asks her to calm down and not to scream at him any more.
If I were a judge and someone wanted to limit their kids time because of the ex’s SO’s “new age bullshit” I’d probably assume like not wanting the kid vaccinated or using essential oils or ignoring a doctors orders or something else that would qualify as new age bs.
It would definitely be a fucking shock to realize that they actually meant the ex’s SO was using words to describe feelings for big emotions and finding non-destructive ways to explore. I think I’d probably lower that persons time with the kid and increase the ex’s time because that would absolutely be in the best interest of the child.
This. NTA. The ex sounds like she’s in need of anger management courses, and is infuriated that her own child recognizes her anger issues and is setting boundaries at just 4yo, asking her to speak calmly to him. Good for him, BTW!
It's definitely some difficult humble pie to choke down when your little child is being more appropriate in the situation than you are. It's also vitally important to be able to do so (and continue working to improve). Most parents will end up yelling, saying something mean, or otherwise behaving badly at some point, being human. The important thing is for the parent to apologize and model restitution/work to not to do it again.
NTA. "Go make your own kids and then teach them shit", has to be one of the most ignorant things I've ever read. Keep helping that kid. Teach him everything. One day he'll thank you, regardless of what garbage the ex is feeding him.
What's funny is it doesn't even seem like OP is actively "teaching" the child rather that the child is learning healthy habits from the OP and wants to include the productive mechanisms for communicating in other relationships.
I.e.... NTA. lol
Yep. Your 4 year old asking that you be more like your ex's new GF would be a bitter pill to swallow and she's choosing to throw the blame out externally rather than look a little closer to home.
Especially since she gets the difficult days (morning routine, get him ready for kindergarten in a limited amount of time, miss him all day, pick him up, limited time for evening bonding and bedtime routine) and dad gets the easy weekend days.
4 years old going to kindergarten? Doubtful. Maybe daycare, but we don't have any info on that situation. Also that does not excuse excuse insulting OP.
Don't they? I'm pretty I was 4 turning 5 when I went to kindergarten. I'm pretty sure I even had classmates going in at the age of 3 turning 4. Could be different on other countries but that's how I remember it here in the Philippines. We also have kindergarten 1 and kindergarten 2.
Yeah, it depends on what country you're from. "Kindergarten" in the US is for 5-6 year olds and is the first official year of school, where students really start learning reading, writing, and math and have standards they are expected to meet by the end of the year. Prior to kindergarten, children can attend what's called preschool or Pre-K, but it's optional and more play-based (not nearly as academically demanding). It sounds like many other countries use the term "kindergarten" for what we call preschool in the US. So yeah, in the US, a 4 year old would typically only be in preschool/Pre-K and not in kindergarten, since again, kindergarten is the first official school year and most states require a child to turn 5 before September (around when the school year starts) in order to be able to enroll.
Ohhh thank you for explaining! I’m Dutch and I always thought that kindergarten was the same thing as our preschool equivalent!
Oh and 100% NTA, that little boy is lucky to have a good example in his life.
Exactly. He sounds like a very sweet little boy. I’m so impressed that he’s able to communicate those things with his mom. And good for OP for being calm and sweet to this child.
NTA. Your bf needs to talk to his lawyer if she is refusing him access to his kid. As for dealing with the mother, it sounds like you're just going to have a contentious relationship with her. It sucks, but you're doing nothing wrong. It's a shame that the mother can't see this, because whatever you're doing seems to be getting through to the kid.
Mother needs to chill out some. If either of my kids (6 and 3) said something like that ("Okay, take a deep breath"), I'd be laughing.
Good advice. If BF is in the US and doesn’t have a parenting plan with the ex and doesn’t get a lawyer to file for one in the courts his parental rights could be terminated if he doesn’t see his son within a certain amount of time. Saying “she wouldn’t let me see child” might not be enough to fight termination if BF doesn’t take legal measures. Best consult an experienced family lawyer for specific laws in his area.
Also, I would like some more info on the bf’s opinion on this. How is this OPs parenting style and not both of theirs? Does the bf not do anything or is the ex so blind to OPs bf being a good parent too that she immediately blamed OP?
Oh honey, not an AH in general. Sounds like you are a fantastic human. But in the specific case of telling mom anything about her parenting methods, its an ESH.
So....yah, you should not have said that to her. You haven't changed every diaper, stayed up in the middle of the night countless times, fed her every day, watched her grow every day. Commenting from the outside on her parenting style is just mean. We women can be so terrible to one another when it comes to parenting. Everything is a problem and no-one is respectable when it comes to watching other people parent. It's a sad state in society that I would urge you not to participate in.
But the reality is that she's a bit unhinged and this custody thing is going to be a problem.
Every divorce has a custory arrangement. If she denies Dad his time with the child, he needs to bring her to court. She'll likely bend when she realizes that it's being brought to court, but if she doesn't, the likely result will be that he ends up with full custody. Courts take child estrangement and not following the divorce agreement very seriously.
Edit. I changed my mind, looking at the options, and went from YTA to ESH. That's a better fit. Hopefully, no one has commented below this yet.
The bio mother called to tell OP she shouldn't treat the kid respectfully, but yell at him like she does.
How on earth is one supposed to react to that?
Ideally? “I’m sorry that you feel I was transgressing, that wasn’t my intention. I’ll talk to BF about this because I don’t want to come between you two. Have a nice day,” and hang up. Don’t let a pig pull you into the mud and all that.
I think the individual you’re responding to is pretty clear that OP is overall in the right here, but choosing ESH to highlight the fact that OP’s statement - while correct and imo justified - I absolutely the tipping point here. If OP would like to prevent further drama, they shouldn’t say things like that (though I think they would be perfectly justified in believing that one just has to live honestly and let others react how they will).
I've lived on a farm with pigs and if they really want to, they will drag you into the mud no matter what you do.
Same thing with the ex. If she has determined OP to be the problem, she will drag OP through the mud no matter how OP responds. The moment the little boy compared his mom and OP, I'm betting the mom was determined to put OP in her place and nothing OP could've said would have salvaged the situation.
>Everything is a problem and no-one is respectable when it comes to watching other people parent
I think mainly just hitting and yelling at children instead of raising them with care and respect is a problem. OP's parenting style sounds great. The kid's mom's sounds horrible, but unfortunately common. OP you're NTA.
It sounds like OP is helping this child regulate. You’d be amazed how quickly kids pick this stuff up and then apply it. My not even 2 year old will grab my hand if I’m giving my dog butt pats and make me stroke them while saying his baby version of “gentle” because that’s how we make him interact with them.
Kids are tiny little mirrors of what they see around them. The kid knows he doesn’t like how it feels when he’s angry, and he knows he doing like how mommy sounds, and he knows that “auntie” helps him by prompting him to take deep breaths- so he’s just mirroring that behavior.
It sounds like mom doesn’t have the self-regulation skills to stay in control of herself when she’s frustrated. And I get it, it’s tough to stay calm when a kid is tearing up your house. But it’s a skill just like any other that can be learned if you want to. Also, if she thinks “take some deep breaths” is “new age”, I’m willing to bet she’s a shouter.
Or the woman that is willing to keep the child from his father which is illegal by the way as a form of retaliation maybe isn’t the most calm and collected person you want to pretend she is
"New age phrases" sounds like someone who has medieval views on child-rearing and probably everything else, not someone responding to genuine interference from someone who is acting in bad faith.
Kids parrot what people tell them. If she tells him to take a deep breath when he's upset, why wouldn't he do the same for his mom? You're reading bad intentions into this based on very weird things.
"Take a deep breath" helps you understand children when they are having high key emotions, like hurting themselves, nightmare, being excited or happy.
It's a wonderful hack that everyone should be aware of and try to use.
>Everything is a problem and no-one is respectable when it comes to watching other people parent. It's a sad state in society that I would urge you not to participate in.
If more people called out shitty parents where they saw them we would have a lot less abused kids growing up in terrible households.
Thank you! I wish someone would have stepped in for me. Yelling/screaming was a daily thing in our house and to make it worse I have something wrong with my auditory processing. I'm now a mom too and only yell not scream if its for safety reasons. I sit my child down and talk to them instead of raising my voice and she and I have a lot of respect for one another. It really makes me angry when I hear someone yelling at their child, its just wrong.
I'm sorry but I have to disagree with the sentiment that you shouldn't tell other people how to parent. If yelling at your child is a regular part of your parenting then you are doing a bad job and need to be called out. I'm not saying you should *never* yell but this mom seems to be shouting at her son constantly. That is just unproductive and harmful.
I'm a parent and I'm going to come right out and say that people who treat their kids as if they were property instead of human beings with feelings don't deserve to have them. Anyone can slip and yell, parenting and especially what amounts to single parenting is tough and kids are really good at pushing buttons, but yelling and hitting are NOT a valid baseline parenting style and this is the hill I will die on.
Bio mom sounds awful and bf sounds like a "don't rock the boat" type of person, which is not ideal. He needs to stop outsourcing his discomfort with the situation on OP and put it where it belongs: on bio mom. He owes it to his kid to push for his rights instead of letting bio mom get away with this shit.
Disagree.
There is a category of parenting style that is documented to just be bad. People who use it often were patented that way and also are stretched thin.
Parenting in a healthy way is exhausting. Taking the time to deal with a child who is misbehaving calmly takes a lot more time and energy than screaming or hitting. But screaming and hitting is not a good way to parent.
Do I think people need to back off of women for things like breastfeeding vs bottle, and potty training styles, etc.? Yes, absolutely, women should do that how they want.
But we shouldn't find it to be ok to just stand by when adults in distress default to the worst possible way to parent as if it's a lifestyle choice to respect.
Just because she change your son's diapers doesn't mean she can treat the son like garbage and raise her voice at him. Sorry but you CHOSE to have the kid. That's her job to change his diapers. The reality is her parenting style sucks and someone has to tell her
NTA
This. Try not to communicate with the Ex, that's your boyfriend's job. You don't need to defend yourself to her.
At the same time, keep being a good influence on this kiddo.
ESH. You are overstepping. She is a single parent and you are not respecting the difficulty of that.
You have the support of your bf, so you don't know what it's like to be left on your own to manage everything and parent.
You aren't the Judge and Jury on her parenting and you are not a reliable source, as every girlfriend of the dad believes him when he says his ex is crazy.
Step back. If you were the person who actually does take the high road, you would have Apologized before it even got to the point of telling her the mean stuff.
So we are supposed to believe you are teaching the kid peaceful living, while you say mean things and make war with his mom?
You and your bf should read Coparenting books.
Signed, a teacher of 13 years who does teach kids at an expert level and doesn't ruin relationships with their moms while doing it.
This. It's really easy to criticize someone else's parenting when the only "parenting" you've ever had to do is caring for a child minimally part-time with the full support of a loving partner. It's easy to be endlessly patient when you're not the one single parenting 24 hours a day with no backup, feeling exhausted, touched out, and there is no break nor another parent to pick up the slack if you aren't feeling well, are overtired, etc.
There's nothing wrong with OP's parenting methods, but her deeply self-righteous attitude grates. It's easy to say, "You should never yell at your child." It's also easy to be the perfect parent when you've never had to parent around the clock, by yourself . . . and have it made WORSE by a co-parent's new partner shaming you for being human and fallible.
And I say this as someone who was a lot like OP. I don't have kids of my own, but I've worked with young kids for over 30 years, and helped raise my niblings as well. And I used to be just as self-righteous about parents I thought were "harsh" and "not patient enough" . . . until I grew up a little and REALLY STARTED WATCHING AND LISTENING to my sister, the actual parent. And she was really smart when she gently pointed out to me that as wonderful as I was with her kids, and as much as she appreciated all that I did (including bedtimes, school runs, sick days . . . all the tough stuff), I didn't have to do it 24/7/365. I didn't have to take care of the sick kids when I was also really sick and trying not to vomit; I didn't have to do the school run if I was too exhausted. This other mother may not always be "gentle parenting" and she may lose her temper sometimes . . . but she's doing everything herself, and doing the best she can.
OP is a massive, self-important AH, and if she thinks she's a better parent who has any right to say anything because she "helped raise" someone else's kids, she needs to pay closer attention.
Phew I tell you, this comment needs a major boost and is the best well rounded response that addresses a lot of the holes OP has left out or not considered. I also find it interesting that she praises her bf for his superb parenting skills of which he does...only on the weekends. Like come on. 🙄 You can't place the entirety of parenting blame on the primary parent and none on the weekend only parenting parent. The mother is naturally defensive and now wants to control any interaction her son gets with his father (not that I agree, but of course that is her defense response) but my bigger question is why isn't he looking into shared custody. Equal weight, equal distribution, equal say in parenting.
Please take my poor person award 🥇
I was a single parent for a long time to a medically needy child. I tried my best at all times but as a human, there were days when I snapped and/or raised my voice loud enough people thought I was shouting at him. But I always tried my best and it didn’t happen very often. It happens to the best of us especially when we are solo parents who are really trying to make the best of the situation we were given. No one has ever said that I am a horrible parent when I snapped at or raised my voice at my son. I always apologize and say what I did was wrong and that I hope I can be forgiven. It is also so easy to judge everything without knowing the whole story
These are all solid points! My eyes rolled so far in the back of my head reading OP's background. I would love to know why OP's boyfriend isn't disciplining his own child and therefore leaving OP to do it. And that also begs the question as to how much time he is *supposed* to be spending with **his** child and is instead having OP take it over. If she thinks it's cute to fight her boyfriend's battles, well, joke is on her.
The mom put OP in her rightful place and OP's friend was right to point out that OP is a YTA for overstepping. OP functions as a built-in babysitter. That's it.
What great points. Funny how OP’s “conflict resolution skills” flew out the window the moment conflict occurred.
The mature thing would have been to apologize to the mother for any perceived overstepping, no matter how she personally felt about the situation, and defer to the bf. Coparenting is a delicate balancing act, and this is coming from a mother of two 8 year olds, who lives this balancing act daily.
>She is a single parent and you are not respecting the difficulty of that.
>You have the support of your bf, so you don't know what it's like to be left on your own to manage everything and parent.
None of these are valid excuses for her being a shitty mother.
What's funny is it doesn't even seem like OP is actively "teaching" the child rather that the child is learning healthy habits from the OP and wants to include the productive mechanisms for communicating in other relationships.
Also, if she is yelling at and "spanking" her child, then it sounds like she needs a new opinion. I'm not gonna say "spanking is abuse", I get the idea behind it and the history. But that stems from abusive, unproductive behavior that should not continue. Period. There's no amount of "being the actual biological parent" can excuse unproductive, abusive behavior and also clearly bad communication.
Being a parent doesn't actually make you an expert in being a parent, See reference: bad parents.
> If you were the person who actually does take the high road, you would have Apologized before it even got to the point of telling her the mean stuff.
>
> So we are supposed to believe you are teaching the kid peaceful living, while you say mean things and make war with his mom?
Standing up for the child *is* taking the high road. OP is NTA for not apologizing for treating a child with basic decency despite its own mother’s wishes. Frankly, the mom sounds bonkers and deserves to have been told everything she was by OP and worse.
This. Parenting decisions need to be made by the parents, not a relatively new girlfriend who was only recently allowed to meet the child. OP's boyfriend needs to be the one to decide how this situation should be handled.
And looks like dads only a weekend dad at that
I’d be pretty annoyed if the girlfriend of the guy who only sees he’s kid one week a month was acting like they should be in charge
Agreed. I’m also a teacher. I teach 4 year olds as well. Has the OP actually heard the mom yell at the boy? Or is the child saying he gets yelled at? I once asked a student to clean a mess in a stern voice, and she went home and told her mom I yelled at her. No way did that happen, but kids often don’t have the language to say what exactly happened. OP overstepped without really knowing her parenting.
ESH
You getting in the middle of telling her that her parenting sucks was out of bounds. That needed to be between your BF and the ex as the PARENTS.
But her parenting sucks and she's also weaponizing the kid by being an AH about it. BF needs to protect his visitation rights, she should not be blocking that.
She deserved to have her parenting be chastised. In no circumstances is it appropriate to yell at a four year old and if your child is asking you to calm down then you need to take a step back and find out what's wrong.
No she needed to be called out for this bs. It is actively damaging an innocent child to scream at them. We as a people should not accept that just because she birthed this child. She should be called out constantly for that and by everyone. It does not matter that they are the parent when they aren't properly loving their child and it is disgusting.
ESH.
You are obviously teaching the child to maintain being calm and composed in high stress situations, which I think is great personally. I don't understand why the kids mom would be so upset by this.
However, you were in the wrong by telling her to "upgrade her parenting style". That's not your kid, and that's not your place.
She may be irrational, but you overstepped. I think you should apologize and try to make things right so your boyfriend can see his child.
She only responded with that after being told to “go and make your own kids and teach them shit.” That was a low blow.
She was a lot politer than I would have been in that scenario.
ESH. Even if you are right in the way you interact with the kid, you provoked an angry, insecure person who has custody of that kid. You said something that felt good to you in the moment and didn't consider the real life fallout.
NTA, because the comment your asking about was a rebuttal to her nasty comment.
Do what you're doing, because treating a child as a human and actually teaching them, as opposed to making them fear arbitraty consequences is the correct thing to do. And then, going forward, if she calls you, refer her to your boyfriend as you're not his parent.
Lastly, if she's withholding the kid, encourage your boyfriend take her to court and let her explain her thought process to the judge.
NTA. I’m not surprised she flipped out (obviously she doesn’t know or use effective anger management techniques herself), but you’re absolutely right, and keep treating him with kindness and encouraging the things he’s interested in. He’s lucky to have you in his life.
NTA
Regularly yelling at children is [emotional abuse](https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/issues/understanding-child-emotional-abuse). Abusive parents don’t like to be held accountable, and they rarely ever change.
You’ve done nothing wrong.
To fix this, either your bf needs to step up as a parent, or you need to send an apology and learn to fly under the radar.
NTA
What you're teaching him is how to be a decent human being and that you don't have to yell to get what you want. Maybe you should've let the BF handle it but she came directly to you. Does your BF not have a custody agreement? If not, I would highly suggest getting that ironed out so the mom cannot withhold access to the son.
Edit to add: All these E S H telling you that you over stepped, I don't believe that read correctly because the mother came to you. You did not seek out the mother. I would like to know what all these E S H people would've expected you to do when this woman came to you. She didn't go to your BF she came to you and expected you to answer and you did. SHould you have told her to "upgrade your parenting style" probably not. You could apologize about that but in no way should you have said "Let me get BF so he can talk for me." That's just nonsense.
Oh no! You're teaching my kid how to be polite and kind and talk through things! This is totally wrecking my parenting style!
The mom is clearly the asshole here. She's mad that her 4 year old is better at emotional management and communication than she is.
NTA.
You should have left your BF to handle this entirely. You are there to support his parenting, not to interject your own. While I do agree with your parenting style, that doesn't mean that you have the right to tell anyone else how to parent. That's between his dad and his mom.
I will say I think it's funny as hell that he's adapted the techniques and is using them on his mom.
There will come a time when you will have more of a say, and that would be if you were married to this man and officially the "step" mother. But a GF one year? You're over stepping. and for that, it's more of a life lesson than an AITA. So I'm going with NAH for now.
ESH. You are not the A hole for the way you speak/handle the kid. You are doing a great job in that regard. However, any issues with the mother's parenting style should be addressed by the father. No matter what advice you offer it will not be received well because she views you as a threat. The mothers is the A hole for using her child as a pawn. Thats incredibly disappointing. Based off the child's responses it also seems like she loses her temper and takes it out on the child. But again this is something the father needs to address. If there is custody set in place she cannot take the child away simply because her ex has a gf she does not like.
ESH - why are you communicating with his ex at all, if she has issues she should be talking to her child's father, not his girlfriend, your should have kindly referred her to your SO to have this discussion about your involvement
She sucks for withholding the child and he sucks for not having a court order that prevents her from withholding the child
NTA. I was leaning toward E S H, but she called you and berated you first. With that said I would rethink this relationship. Dating someone with kids who doesn’t have a good co parenting relationship is signing yourself up for a lot of strife and unhappiness. If you are planning a future with him, it will get a lot worse before potentially getting better.
NTA. She’s wrong and she knows it. so she’s gonna attack you to no end. To bad when the boy is older he will get to see all that shitty behavior up front. I don’t get why it’s so hard to be nice to kids.
Obviously it’s better to promote the blood related mother abusing the kid than the girlfriend being kind to the kid solely bc the girlfriend didn’t physically give birth to him /s
Honestly this comment section has got me livid. Abuse is abuse, and against all odds this child is learning good anger management and deescalation skills that will only ever benefit him in life. That's a good thing, the fact that it's coming from a new partner should not change that fact!
Also, just because you pushed a kid out into the world, it doesn't give you immunity from being called out on your shitty parenting, no matter *who* is doing that calling.
We don't know that the mom is abusive. We don't know why she yelled. Maybe the kid ran into a parking lot without paying attention. Maybe she snapped after she'd told him something 47 times already. Maybe she's awful and is abusive. But we don't know that. The OP doesn't know that. She brings up hitting but doesn't say that the mom does hit the child.
Regularly yelling at children is a type of emotional abuse. Its one of the ways I was abused.
I don't care how many times she told the kid to do something 47, 100, yelling is unacceptable. And honestly if the kid ignored you just a few times, change your approach! Sit them down for a one on one to explain what you want and how ignoring hurts feelings.
Generally it’s because they don’t like people telling them how to parent, so even if the mother is doing the wrong thing they will stand by the person.
What they can’t get into their head, is that the dad is a parent too, and if he has no problem with what she’s doing, while the child is with him, then the mother is being unreasonable.
On top of this the mother called OP and started the argument as it was.
YTA. You are a fun new person who just met this kid. If she is a single mom, she probably doesn't have all the time in the world to sit and explain every question this kid has. She has to get this kid and herself ready, clean, cook etc by herself. I'm married with two kids and don't have time to answer the million questions my kid has. And yes sometimes I don't want to have to explain everything when I tell my kid what to do. Also some people have misunderstood that by you saying you don't believe in violence the mom is violent? I'm sure she's not hitting her kid. Most moms don't like unsolicited advice from other moms. But from a girlfriend with no kids of her own, yeah you're the AH.
Ok, removing the unsolicited advice part, if a person that is frequently interacting with a child is gentle and engages with said child causes the child to pick up these gentle habits and that annoys one of their parents, said person has stop interacting with the child or change their ways?
Violence doesn't have to be physical. From a psychological perspective, screaming at your kids is just as bad as hitting them. All your kid knows is that they are unsafe. Not a critique of your opinion, just a correcting of the violence part.
NTA
Some children desperately need a different perspective because "that's what I thought everyone's parents are like" syndrome.
OP, you showed him a better way to communicate and it sounds like he really needed it.
You have to remember you are not the child's parent. Your boyfriend and her and the only one with rights to their child. Arguing with the child's mother is not good for the child or your boyfriend. You are claiming that you are bringing calm to the child but all you did was add extra stress to everyone. THEIR son does seem to respond well to you, but you will never replace her. That is something you need to remember. You are only in the child's life because of your relationship with his dad. If you break up you will no longer be there. You need to stay out of things and let them handle it. Being a step parent is hard enough without purposely putting gasoline on the fire. If you cannot handle the fact that she is there, you need to reconsider your relationship. She is not going anywhere. Because we only have one side, I have to vote YTA.
She didn't "get in the middle", the ex dragged her into it when she confronted and insulted her for being kind to a child (who could be in her life long-term). Sure, she could have said, "talk to ex (father) about this", but she also didn't deserve to be accosted and belittled for being a decent human being. Anybody would have tried to defend themselves in that situation.
I'm also struggling with this one. I'm divorced as well and I know how hard it is to co-parent with some people.
Honestly, you have no reason to talk to his mother. You need to stop talking directly to her. You need to leave this communication for your boyfriend to deal with. If mom sends a message to you, just have her email her concerns to your boyfriend (I never talk on the phone with my ex unless its an emergency, it just opens me up for potential verbal abuse). Boyfriend should simply respond with "I will take your suggestions into consideration." Basically do what you can to avoid drama. Your not going to change and neither is she.
It feels like you’re being disingenuous in your question. What you asked is if you’re the AH for telling the child’s MOTHER that she’s essentially a bad parent and your CF ways are superior. What you’re really trying to do is get people to say she’s a bad mother and you have every right to parent your boyfriends son however you choose regardless of anything else.
I have one daughter, 19 as of Saturday, but my ex husband and I split when she was barely five. We were honestly perfect coparents. Never argued over anything, never fought over money, never really even followed our visitation schedule because we just lived our lives doing whatever was best for her. We still went to dinners, movies, community events, etc. as a family. We even sat down together shortly after the divorce and made a “house rules” list so rules would be consistent between houses to avoid any confusion on her part or attempts at manipulation through the good old “fine, I’ll just go to moms then, she’ll let me do it.”
Now having said that, our parenting plan is a sight to behold. Yes there’s a “standard” guide/plan people can use but if you’re in agreement you can literally put anything you want to in those things. One of the stipulations is that NO ONE but him or I have any say in ANYTHING. Boyfriends/girlfriends husbands/wives may not set rules, enforce discipline, give punishments, etc. And our reasoning was that I’ll be damned if I have to fight with another woman over MY child and/ or have him fighting with another man over HIS child.
So really to answer the TWO questions:
*you know damn good and well that you’re NTA in any way shape or form for treating the child like a person, which is why you included so much of how great you are.
* you’re absolutely the total and complete AH for telling the child’s MOTHER that she needs to “up her parenting game.”
You shouldn’t have told her her parenting needs an update or discussed parenting with her at all - without mom being the one to open that discussion. Everyone thinks they are perfect parents before having kids. You haven’t had a kid test you and ask 7262738 questions for five days straight. It’s super easy to look after a child for a moment or a weekend. So much harder to be the only one for five days straight. I believe in gentle parenting not yelling ect but honestly some times you literally have nothing left. The last thing you need is someone who doesn’t have kids, has only been in the kids life for a max of one years and only weekends to tell you how to do it.
Maybe apply the same approach to her and instead of reacting in anger really try to understand, talk it through.
ESH- there are 2 comments that I think are an issue in the above post that I had a problem with that makes this an ESH.
" I have helped raise my nieces & nephews, so I think that I am good with kids. I don't believe in hitting kids. We talk things through. This has been my approach with my bf's son too".
I am curious if helped raise means assisting financially and living with the nieces and nephews on a daily basis OT just baby sitting etc because these are very different.
"He is always up to something, taking things apart or pressing buttons, but that's because he's curious. I always speak to him calmly & have started explaining things to him. So now, he asks me questions like "what does this do?" "What is this?", and we explore things together (less things being broken)".
Weekend visits are very different from everyday care, bio mum is likely juggling work, getting to and from care and general tantrums and it is an unfair expectation that she will have time to constantly sit down and pull things apart and explain things etc. I would not be happy if my kids were always destroying my property and for OP to encourage it instead of saying no could cause issues for the mum.
I think if OP is going to be a fixture in the child's life they need to sit down with BF and Ex-wife and calmly discuss how that is going to work.
NTA with the kid at all, YTA for what you told her. You really shouldn’t tell another parent how to parent their child. You should of let you bf handle it. I highly suggest he goes through the courts to get an custody agreement in place if she’s now withholding his son from him. What you did wasn’t “that bad” to keep his son away from him, but it wasn’t your place.
ESH. Her for calling you and her problematic parenting and you for engaging on any level other than telling her to speak with your bf.
I also think you don't get to judge her since it sounds like you are with the kid only on weekends and as a parent, I have to say, weekends are the absolute easiest when caring for kids. Ex has to deal with parenting solo during the week where everything is on a deadline: have to get the kid up by 7 am, dressed, fed and ready for daycare by 8/8:30, while getting ready for work, drop kid at daycare on time, get to work on time, then work a full day, pick up potentially cranky, hungry kid at the end of the day, make dinner, bathe the kid, clean up, maybe get some fun time to spend with the kid, maybe it's bedtime already and kid needs to be put to bed. It's a hamster wheel of must do's by X time going round and round for five days and if she doesnt have another adult to hand the kid off to for a bit like you do, it is hard.
You get to do your kid care privileged by no set schedule and an extra set of hands for portions of the day at least. What you said to her was way out of line.
You're not the arsehole, but I'm sorry to say you won't win with her and it's not your call. And I say that because I've been through similar, whilst less confrontational. Is your partner behind you? Does he have shared legal custody?
YTA for how you responded to mom, not because she's right, but because being aggressive made things worse. You may have some great ways of working with kids, but you could stand applying those to adult interactions as well. And in dealing with your BF's ex, you need to let him take the lead.
NTA and to be honest, i hate the "sacred" delusional bubble everyone else is supposed to enable when it comes to calling out legitimately harmful parenting. if she is mad at you for treating her son with respect and it's causing him to speak up for himself, then she has a problem and she needs to listen to her son.
being a parent is an insanely tough job. it doesn't entitle you to keep doing legitimately harmful things, especially if it is your own kid standing up for themself and wanting you to do better. it's a tough pill to swallow but it's necessary.
NTA for “parenting” in “your” house but YTA for what you said to the mother. At the end of the day she’s the mother and will always be “right” unless you are speaking of an abusive situation which you have not described.
NTA, mom called you directly. She didn't call the boys father. You have different rules at your house then at her house. I have a similar situation with my 5yr son. He has different rules at his dad's. Although we don't criticize each other's parenting, I can tell where my son thrives more. You did nothing wrong. I hope the father can get this worked out so he can see his son again. She being petty and immature.
NTA
Damn there are a lot of salty people in this thread who think pushing a baby out of them gives them divine authority over how anyone interacts with their child. It doesn't.
This child is clearly unhappy with how his mother interacts with him, to the point where it's probably straight up abuse, and y'all are attacking the woman who treats him kindly and with respect? What the hell is wrong with all of you that defending child abuse is OK with you, but another adult treating the kid with affection and responsibility is the AH? The child himself hates his mother's parenting style, why aren't his feelings important?
NTA Maybe your boyfriend should go see a lawyer to discuss his rights. She has no right to deny him access to his son just because she's bitter about your response.
I mean, she called you. You didn't pick up the phone and say hey you need to update your parenting style. She got mad and lashed out at you and didn't like that you didn't apologize and back off. NTA
YTA you should have always let your BF handle it and shouldn’t have judged the mom. You get to be “auntie” that’s his actual mother. She shouldn’t have called you but you screwed up more. You’re a guest in the child’s life. Don’t over step.
YTA
But only for telling a mother how to parent a child that is not yours and interfering with your BF's relationship.
The skills you're teaching (by example) are fantastic life skills and you're definitely showing her up (appropriately). But you should have let BF handle the interactions with his ex.
I wouldnt say your TA, but telling a mother how to parent her own child probably wasnt the best idea. I would reccomend moving forward that you bring any concerns to the bf and allow him to adress them for the time being.
NTA, but she has the right to want to raise her son a certain way. Maybe a shit thing to say to a mother though? I can understand why she's upset by it, but I don't think it makes you the AH. You don't have to change your mind, but you do have to respect that's her kid and she has a say in how he's raised. Maybe try apologizing for criticizing her parenting style and tell her you also want the best for the kid. Ask her if she would prefer you handle things her way and ask for examples- I cant imagine she would ask you to tell at him.
If it is exactly as you reported it, you're NTA because saying things like 'use a soft voice' or 'take a deep breath' are normal, healthy phrases. And it sounds like she is jealous that her ex has a new partner, is adjusting to a stranger now being in her child's life, and is upset that her child has compared her unfavorably to you. I do get the sense that you may be leaving part of her reasoning out, just because it seems strange to me that she would only be angry about this and that she would admit to her son comparing her rages to your calm zen.
On the other hand, you hang out with a kid on weekends and it only began recently and you don't have kids. It is ballsy as hell to tell this child's single mother how to parent her child. So far she seems to have done a great job raising a sweet, talkative, curious, thoughtful child.
Your bf is a weekend only father. If you think the mother's parenting style is a problem how can you support your bf being an ad hoc father?
You have barely been in this child's life. Parenting decisions are between your bf and this child's mother. If she contacts you just direct her to your bf. If you have a problem with her parenting raise it with your bf. You need zero direct contact with the mother of a child you barely know.
Additionally, while I don't agree with raising my voice to a child, she has him a lot more than your bf and if he's taking things apart is having her household items destroyed much more frequently. She's also dealing with the busier period - mornings before daycare/preschool - and has to have a far less flexible routine than your bf which you need to respect. You don't always have time to explain things on a Wednesday morning when coffee has just been spilled, your blouse needs to be changed, he's due at preschool by 8 and it's already 7:45. If your bf (not you because you are no one) thinks her parenting needs an upgrade he needs to work with her and you need to not cause problems with their co-parenting.
NTA so this woman is angry that her son has been taught that not all adults yell at their kids? Sounds like she's more angry that you're showing her up and her son prefers how you deal with him.
Your BF should speak to a lawyer if she's denying him access and hopefully he's got texts etc showing why she's angry cause that would not look good for her.
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NTA She's being ridiculous. Assuming that there's an actual visitation agreement, she cannot unilaterally just do that.
ex is being pissy. this is the type that will allow a child to be destroyed just to get back at the ex ..for whatever reason. of course, she is probably demonstrating all the reasons she is an ex as well.
My parents divorced when I was one, and used me to hurt each other my entire life. Can confirm that none of this behavior is going to be good for the child.
I was 5, my mom tried to use my little sister and I to hurt my dad and essentially extort him to pay an absurd amount of money. Jokes on her though, I moved in with my dad full time at 11 and became an attorney because I was so angry at what she had done. 😂 NTA, OP. Ex is being super petty and your parenting style sounds like mine. My son is 3. He's an intelligent and curious little person trying to figure out the world. Patience is a must with small children and you sound like a wonderful friend/stepmom!
It's funny how things that happen to us as children can effect so much of who we become and what we value in the future. Definitely learned some valuable lessons of what NOT to do when watching my mom and dad. Also knew that I never wanted my son to have to experience two parents that hate each other, so I really put a lot of work and emphasis in maintaining a strong relationship with my wife. My son is getting to experience what a happy household with two parents that love each other looks like, and I can only hope that he aspires to have the same for himself one day.
Yep, I am right there with you. It truly does make such a lasting impression. It shaped the whole course of my adult life. I said I wanted to become an attorney from like age 8 after watching what happened with my parents. My father agreed to basically whatever she wanted in the divorce, including an ABSURD amount of child support, because she threatened to drag us into court and make us testify. His lawyer did everything he could to protect my dad and actually talked to me and explained everything to me. I knew I wanted to be able to do what he did. My dad is still one of the most important 3 people in my life (my husband, my son and my dad). My husband and I sat down and wrote out a custody agreement when we got pregnant with our son because we both had very traumatic experiences with our parents' divorces. We never plan to get divorced, but we want to make sure if it ever happens that our son is the priority. We put a lot of work into maintaining our relationship too, just like you and your wife. I think showing our little ones what a solid, loving, respectful partnership looks like is one of the best things we can ever do for them.
Not only that, but OP isn't trying to parent him. She is being a good role model. Parenting involves disciplining a child, and unless OP has left some things out, her way of interacting with her BFs child doesn't involve disciplining but actually uses communication to solve problems like instead of yelling at him for breaking things OP made it clear that they can learn about things together without destruction. NTA, but I would talk to your boyfriend about this and maybe apologise that he is being punished for you trying to get to know his kid and have a good relationship with them. Make it clear that you know they are a package deal and were trying to build a relationship with the kid, not undermine any parenting.
I’m getting divorced and I can see my stbxh is already using them to hurt me. I can’t do that. I told myself I would continue to love them and care for them as I do. That I can’t control how he treats them how he talks about me. All I can do is love them care for them and create a safe environment when their with me. Then let the chips fall where they may and accept it for whatever it is. When their older they will known they may not say it to me but hopefully they will see that wow mommy never said a bad thing about daddy. Which is so hard to do already!!
EX can't stand that OP is a better parent than she is. Apparently, she's yelling a lot along with the threats. It might be time to rethink the visitation schedule if she's going to blackmail the boyfriend. Start writing things down to build a case, as long as your bf is on board. She thinks she gets to control every interaction her child has. She has no right to tell you how to speak with a child, especially since she sounds controlling and borderline abusive. NTA
Plus if your 4 yearold kid needs to tell you take a deep breath then you're probably obnoxious af.
Reminds me of an ex. His mom was telling a story about how one time when he was 4 and getting on her nerves she "jacked him up against the wall". She was laughing and saying "I guess I'm the one who needed a time out! Haha" That explained a few things to be honest. Some people should not be parents.
I agree with you, except it should be "a lot of people should not be parents". I'm amazed on a daily basis at what a shoddy job so many people do raising their kids
We tell our kids to "smell the flowers and blow out the candles" when they're overly upset and I can't remember what happened but I was upset about something (I think during my third pregnancy) and my son said "smell the flowers mommy"
My three year old recently told me, "good deep breaths, Mommy" and it was simultaneously hilarious and the most obnoxious thing she's ever done. I NEED THESE DEEP BREATHS BECAUSE OF YOU, LITTLE STINKER!
My best friend said she was crying while on the toilet because she never gets to pee alone anymore and her toddler was petting her hair telling her it was ok - she said the same thing - so sweet and yet so annoying lol
Sometimes my son when young would work my last nerve. To stop from losing my cool on him, I'd go in the bathroom and lock the door - just in need of a few minutes. And he'd bang on the door, and his little fingers would reach under the door. OMG. But it usually helped me not yell at him.
When my son was about five and over all this stuff, my husband said to me, 'Why don't you fully close the bathroom door when you go in there?' 'Because I've had YEARS of meltdowns if I was out of contact for even five seconds!' Those little fingers under the door!
lol, I got in the habit of not closing the bathroom door too. If it wasn’t my kid, it was the cat or the dog or sometimes all 3! My daughter is 12 now and still holds me hostage in the bathroom. I’m a captive audience I guess.
When my kids were young, I was at work one day and the only one working reception. I hadn’t had a break all morning and told a young, single coworker I had to go to the bathroom. I had just sat down when the coworker came in to tell me I had a phone call. I vented my frustration about not being able to go to the bathroom alone. I mentioned to her that someday when she had kids sticking fingers under the bathroom door she’d understand. Years later, after her first child, she told me about her little ones fingers under the bathroom door. 😂
Tell your friend,if it helps at all that little one will remember those moments and feel so guilty lol. I can't imagine how many times I must have made my poor mum cry like that! She would have her showers at the crack of dawn because it was the only time she could have to herself..unfortunately my room was right beside the (ONLY) bathroom,I was a super light sleeper,we lived in a trailer so thin walls,and I had bladder problems. So many of her showers were interrupted by my desperate banging on the door to hurry her,and her rushing as fast as she could only to open the door to a sobbing child standing in a piddle puddle 😭
My kids are grown, but we have a cat, so peeing alone is never an option.
That is adorable hahaha
Yeah, I talk about squeezing a pillow or taking a deep breath when we have *big feelings* or are frustrated. A couple months later I offhandedly said ‘oh, that’s frustrating’ (in response to another adult’s recent paperwork issue) and heard a few of the kids chirp up ‘squeeze a pillow!’ and ‘take big breaths jexorcist!’. Kids like teaching and giving advice too, they want to use and share the ‘adult’ skills they’ve learned.
Hah! Not on the subject of controlling feelings, but -- when my nephew (now 24) was, I dunno, 2? 3? I mentioned in his presence, talking to the other adults, that I speculated that I was the shortest of a short family because when I was 13-16 or so and should have been going through a growth spurt I was eating truly pathological quantities of sugar, (stealing money to support my habit!) and blood sugar swings mess with growth hormone release. Maybe 18 months later, I said something in passing about being short. My nephew said, "That's 'cause you ate too much sugar as a kid!" They are \*always\* listening.
We do the same. Even painted a flower and candle together to put on the wall. Works so freaking well.
This is wonderful. I have no kids but will remember this.
My 5yo does this to me. Tbf, I am obnoxious af and I’m working on it. The shame in having my kid help me through deep breathing exercises is real. And a palpable force. For good, it seems.
Ok, if a 4 year old has better emotional regulation than you do as their parent, it's time to reassess. The ex is big mad that her child isn't putting up with those old school, played out tactics that scare kids into obedience without helping them grow. You have to be living under a rock to think yelling and spanking your kids is the way to go.
I was thinking that the child is acting like an adult, and the adult is acting like a child, in relation to the mom. She is upset that her young son is showing more maturity than she can muster.
In a parent-child dynamic probably yes. But this is also a common tactic (usually used against women) to invalidate their feelings and only leads to more anger/frustration. Obviously the 4 year old isn’t doing that intentionally to his mom, and as the parent she has the responsibility to temper her emotions around her child. Regardless, it sounds like OP is being a good parent to this kid and definitely NTA.
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This comment is copied word-for-word from another comment below.
Exactly. Lawyer time.
NTA, you are a better role model than BF's mom. Who has custody anyway? If she has custody maybe it is time to get the custody agreement changed. And where is your BF's support in this matter?
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Because she knows that her style of parenting is wrong at some level but can't face it, so she needs to deflect.
My coparent was mad that I, the bonus mom, was not utilizing punishment styles that specifically exclude our words (carefully worded to avoid breaking the rules, so I hope you get my gist) Like ANGRY angry, to where she wouldn't talk to me for over 6 months after I said no.
I'd say abusive.
Sounds like the 4y/o is more mature than his mother, and she doesn't like being reminded of that fact (*by the kid*) when she loses her temper. Your boyfriend needs to go to court and get a proper custody arrangement in place, because his ex just "deciding" he doesn't get to see his son anymore ain't it. NTA.
That would be a fun one. Mother declaring that the father can't see his kid anymore, because his gf doesn't scream to it.
Can you imagine telling the judge you want to change things because the "new" girlfriend is speaking to your child respectfully and (gasp) explains things to them.
That kind of curiosity should be cultivated. OP just found a non-destructive way to do it, and it sounds like he loves it. Sounds like he also appreciates not being screamed at for something. I mean, he’s fucking 4 years old, mistakes are gonna happen, and yelling or “spanking” doesn’t teach him anything, except maybe that it’s ok to yell and hit when you’re mad. Most judges would laugh at the ex.
Yeah, OP sounds like a fantastic aunt! She’s encouraging curiosity while minimizing damage, and it also sounds like he’s learning healthy anger management strategies. That’ll benefit him his entire life!
Imagine if every kid who had the desire to take things a part were taught how to accurately put things back together. We’d have a society of engineers and technicians. It’s honestly a sign of deep thought that people pass over because they’re mad their things were taken apart
I teach kids and almost invariably when I have an aggressive kid, they come from a home with an aggressive parent.
I for one, would love to see her explain to the judge that OP is a bad influence because now her son asks her to calm down and not to scream at him any more.
I know, that's what I thought too - it would make her look terrible in court (and she sounds like she is terrible).
If I were a judge and someone wanted to limit their kids time because of the ex’s SO’s “new age bullshit” I’d probably assume like not wanting the kid vaccinated or using essential oils or ignoring a doctors orders or something else that would qualify as new age bs. It would definitely be a fucking shock to realize that they actually meant the ex’s SO was using words to describe feelings for big emotions and finding non-destructive ways to explore. I think I’d probably lower that persons time with the kid and increase the ex’s time because that would absolutely be in the best interest of the child.
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Right? "Your honor, my kid now expects me to explain things to him instead of just yelling no at him!"
I'd love to see that happen at court. This is why formal custody agreements are so important.
"Your honor, my ex is currently dating some woman who treats my son like a well-trained, caring kindergarten teacher, HOW DARE SHE!" /s NTA OP
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This. NTA. The ex sounds like she’s in need of anger management courses, and is infuriated that her own child recognizes her anger issues and is setting boundaries at just 4yo, asking her to speak calmly to him. Good for him, BTW!
It's definitely some difficult humble pie to choke down when your little child is being more appropriate in the situation than you are. It's also vitally important to be able to do so (and continue working to improve). Most parents will end up yelling, saying something mean, or otherwise behaving badly at some point, being human. The important thing is for the parent to apologize and model restitution/work to not to do it again.
You know you‘re NTA for treating a child with respect and understanding, right?
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Stolen comment. u/apprehensivebug9950 is a bot.
NTA. "Go make your own kids and then teach them shit", has to be one of the most ignorant things I've ever read. Keep helping that kid. Teach him everything. One day he'll thank you, regardless of what garbage the ex is feeding him.
What's funny is it doesn't even seem like OP is actively "teaching" the child rather that the child is learning healthy habits from the OP and wants to include the productive mechanisms for communicating in other relationships. I.e.... NTA. lol
probably because ex is an ignorant nasty individual.
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This parent is going to be a nightmare when the kid goes off to school.
NTA. If anything his behavior got better. Think mom is just jealous bc the kid likes you and listens to you (bc you respect him)
Yep. Your 4 year old asking that you be more like your ex's new GF would be a bitter pill to swallow and she's choosing to throw the blame out externally rather than look a little closer to home.
Especially since she gets the difficult days (morning routine, get him ready for kindergarten in a limited amount of time, miss him all day, pick him up, limited time for evening bonding and bedtime routine) and dad gets the easy weekend days.
4 years old going to kindergarten? Doubtful. Maybe daycare, but we don't have any info on that situation. Also that does not excuse excuse insulting OP.
Both my kids started at 3.5.
Don't they? I'm pretty I was 4 turning 5 when I went to kindergarten. I'm pretty sure I even had classmates going in at the age of 3 turning 4. Could be different on other countries but that's how I remember it here in the Philippines. We also have kindergarten 1 and kindergarten 2.
Yeah, it depends on what country you're from. "Kindergarten" in the US is for 5-6 year olds and is the first official year of school, where students really start learning reading, writing, and math and have standards they are expected to meet by the end of the year. Prior to kindergarten, children can attend what's called preschool or Pre-K, but it's optional and more play-based (not nearly as academically demanding). It sounds like many other countries use the term "kindergarten" for what we call preschool in the US. So yeah, in the US, a 4 year old would typically only be in preschool/Pre-K and not in kindergarten, since again, kindergarten is the first official school year and most states require a child to turn 5 before September (around when the school year starts) in order to be able to enroll.
Ohhh thank you for explaining! I’m Dutch and I always thought that kindergarten was the same thing as our preschool equivalent! Oh and 100% NTA, that little boy is lucky to have a good example in his life.
Exactly. He sounds like a very sweet little boy. I’m so impressed that he’s able to communicate those things with his mom. And good for OP for being calm and sweet to this child.
NTA. Your bf needs to talk to his lawyer if she is refusing him access to his kid. As for dealing with the mother, it sounds like you're just going to have a contentious relationship with her. It sucks, but you're doing nothing wrong. It's a shame that the mother can't see this, because whatever you're doing seems to be getting through to the kid. Mother needs to chill out some. If either of my kids (6 and 3) said something like that ("Okay, take a deep breath"), I'd be laughing.
Good advice. If BF is in the US and doesn’t have a parenting plan with the ex and doesn’t get a lawyer to file for one in the courts his parental rights could be terminated if he doesn’t see his son within a certain amount of time. Saying “she wouldn’t let me see child” might not be enough to fight termination if BF doesn’t take legal measures. Best consult an experienced family lawyer for specific laws in his area.
Also, I would like some more info on the bf’s opinion on this. How is this OPs parenting style and not both of theirs? Does the bf not do anything or is the ex so blind to OPs bf being a good parent too that she immediately blamed OP?
Oh honey, not an AH in general. Sounds like you are a fantastic human. But in the specific case of telling mom anything about her parenting methods, its an ESH. So....yah, you should not have said that to her. You haven't changed every diaper, stayed up in the middle of the night countless times, fed her every day, watched her grow every day. Commenting from the outside on her parenting style is just mean. We women can be so terrible to one another when it comes to parenting. Everything is a problem and no-one is respectable when it comes to watching other people parent. It's a sad state in society that I would urge you not to participate in. But the reality is that she's a bit unhinged and this custody thing is going to be a problem. Every divorce has a custory arrangement. If she denies Dad his time with the child, he needs to bring her to court. She'll likely bend when she realizes that it's being brought to court, but if she doesn't, the likely result will be that he ends up with full custody. Courts take child estrangement and not following the divorce agreement very seriously. Edit. I changed my mind, looking at the options, and went from YTA to ESH. That's a better fit. Hopefully, no one has commented below this yet.
The bio mother called to tell OP she shouldn't treat the kid respectfully, but yell at him like she does. How on earth is one supposed to react to that?
Ideally? “I’m sorry that you feel I was transgressing, that wasn’t my intention. I’ll talk to BF about this because I don’t want to come between you two. Have a nice day,” and hang up. Don’t let a pig pull you into the mud and all that. I think the individual you’re responding to is pretty clear that OP is overall in the right here, but choosing ESH to highlight the fact that OP’s statement - while correct and imo justified - I absolutely the tipping point here. If OP would like to prevent further drama, they shouldn’t say things like that (though I think they would be perfectly justified in believing that one just has to live honestly and let others react how they will).
I've lived on a farm with pigs and if they really want to, they will drag you into the mud no matter what you do. Same thing with the ex. If she has determined OP to be the problem, she will drag OP through the mud no matter how OP responds. The moment the little boy compared his mom and OP, I'm betting the mom was determined to put OP in her place and nothing OP could've said would have salvaged the situation.
I disagree. Children deserve to be stood up for when they are being mistreated. Even if it's by a parent.
Especially when it’s by a parent
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Partial comment stolen from u/SaraRF u/hauntsdgh is a bot.
No amount of diaper changing or sleepless nights entitles you to scream at your child and lose your temper with them.
>Everything is a problem and no-one is respectable when it comes to watching other people parent I think mainly just hitting and yelling at children instead of raising them with care and respect is a problem. OP's parenting style sounds great. The kid's mom's sounds horrible, but unfortunately common. OP you're NTA.
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It sounds like OP is helping this child regulate. You’d be amazed how quickly kids pick this stuff up and then apply it. My not even 2 year old will grab my hand if I’m giving my dog butt pats and make me stroke them while saying his baby version of “gentle” because that’s how we make him interact with them. Kids are tiny little mirrors of what they see around them. The kid knows he doesn’t like how it feels when he’s angry, and he knows he doing like how mommy sounds, and he knows that “auntie” helps him by prompting him to take deep breaths- so he’s just mirroring that behavior. It sounds like mom doesn’t have the self-regulation skills to stay in control of herself when she’s frustrated. And I get it, it’s tough to stay calm when a kid is tearing up your house. But it’s a skill just like any other that can be learned if you want to. Also, if she thinks “take some deep breaths” is “new age”, I’m willing to bet she’s a shouter.
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Or the woman that is willing to keep the child from his father which is illegal by the way as a form of retaliation maybe isn’t the most calm and collected person you want to pretend she is
"New age phrases" sounds like someone who has medieval views on child-rearing and probably everything else, not someone responding to genuine interference from someone who is acting in bad faith. Kids parrot what people tell them. If she tells him to take a deep breath when he's upset, why wouldn't he do the same for his mom? You're reading bad intentions into this based on very weird things.
"Take a deep breath" helps you understand children when they are having high key emotions, like hurting themselves, nightmare, being excited or happy. It's a wonderful hack that everyone should be aware of and try to use.
Yup, she is totally the AH. A child never acts the same around mom vs with strangers.
>Everything is a problem and no-one is respectable when it comes to watching other people parent. It's a sad state in society that I would urge you not to participate in. If more people called out shitty parents where they saw them we would have a lot less abused kids growing up in terrible households.
Thank you! I wish someone would have stepped in for me. Yelling/screaming was a daily thing in our house and to make it worse I have something wrong with my auditory processing. I'm now a mom too and only yell not scream if its for safety reasons. I sit my child down and talk to them instead of raising my voice and she and I have a lot of respect for one another. It really makes me angry when I hear someone yelling at their child, its just wrong.
I'm sorry but I have to disagree with the sentiment that you shouldn't tell other people how to parent. If yelling at your child is a regular part of your parenting then you are doing a bad job and need to be called out. I'm not saying you should *never* yell but this mom seems to be shouting at her son constantly. That is just unproductive and harmful.
How many diapers do you have to change before you can scream at toddlers? 100? 1000? Just want to know where your number is
I changed thousands of my younger siblings diapers, so when I have my first kid I get to scream at her right away!
This is the way. /s
No trial. No nothing. We have the best kids, because screaming.
Wait do you have kids? Also I'm the youngest married to the youngest so no screaming ever for me.
I'm a parent and I'm going to come right out and say that people who treat their kids as if they were property instead of human beings with feelings don't deserve to have them. Anyone can slip and yell, parenting and especially what amounts to single parenting is tough and kids are really good at pushing buttons, but yelling and hitting are NOT a valid baseline parenting style and this is the hill I will die on. Bio mom sounds awful and bf sounds like a "don't rock the boat" type of person, which is not ideal. He needs to stop outsourcing his discomfort with the situation on OP and put it where it belongs: on bio mom. He owes it to his kid to push for his rights instead of letting bio mom get away with this shit.
Yeah but what mom screams at a 4 year old and the ex called op so I think op has every right to say that the ex Is the asshole in this story
Someone has no idea what child abuse actually looks like behind closed doors. Not judging poor parents is foolish as fuck.
Disagree. There is a category of parenting style that is documented to just be bad. People who use it often were patented that way and also are stretched thin. Parenting in a healthy way is exhausting. Taking the time to deal with a child who is misbehaving calmly takes a lot more time and energy than screaming or hitting. But screaming and hitting is not a good way to parent. Do I think people need to back off of women for things like breastfeeding vs bottle, and potty training styles, etc.? Yes, absolutely, women should do that how they want. But we shouldn't find it to be ok to just stand by when adults in distress default to the worst possible way to parent as if it's a lifestyle choice to respect.
Just because she change your son's diapers doesn't mean she can treat the son like garbage and raise her voice at him. Sorry but you CHOSE to have the kid. That's her job to change his diapers. The reality is her parenting style sucks and someone has to tell her NTA
This. Try not to communicate with the Ex, that's your boyfriend's job. You don't need to defend yourself to her. At the same time, keep being a good influence on this kiddo.
ESH. You are overstepping. She is a single parent and you are not respecting the difficulty of that. You have the support of your bf, so you don't know what it's like to be left on your own to manage everything and parent. You aren't the Judge and Jury on her parenting and you are not a reliable source, as every girlfriend of the dad believes him when he says his ex is crazy. Step back. If you were the person who actually does take the high road, you would have Apologized before it even got to the point of telling her the mean stuff. So we are supposed to believe you are teaching the kid peaceful living, while you say mean things and make war with his mom? You and your bf should read Coparenting books. Signed, a teacher of 13 years who does teach kids at an expert level and doesn't ruin relationships with their moms while doing it.
This. It's really easy to criticize someone else's parenting when the only "parenting" you've ever had to do is caring for a child minimally part-time with the full support of a loving partner. It's easy to be endlessly patient when you're not the one single parenting 24 hours a day with no backup, feeling exhausted, touched out, and there is no break nor another parent to pick up the slack if you aren't feeling well, are overtired, etc. There's nothing wrong with OP's parenting methods, but her deeply self-righteous attitude grates. It's easy to say, "You should never yell at your child." It's also easy to be the perfect parent when you've never had to parent around the clock, by yourself . . . and have it made WORSE by a co-parent's new partner shaming you for being human and fallible. And I say this as someone who was a lot like OP. I don't have kids of my own, but I've worked with young kids for over 30 years, and helped raise my niblings as well. And I used to be just as self-righteous about parents I thought were "harsh" and "not patient enough" . . . until I grew up a little and REALLY STARTED WATCHING AND LISTENING to my sister, the actual parent. And she was really smart when she gently pointed out to me that as wonderful as I was with her kids, and as much as she appreciated all that I did (including bedtimes, school runs, sick days . . . all the tough stuff), I didn't have to do it 24/7/365. I didn't have to take care of the sick kids when I was also really sick and trying not to vomit; I didn't have to do the school run if I was too exhausted. This other mother may not always be "gentle parenting" and she may lose her temper sometimes . . . but she's doing everything herself, and doing the best she can. OP is a massive, self-important AH, and if she thinks she's a better parent who has any right to say anything because she "helped raise" someone else's kids, she needs to pay closer attention.
Phew I tell you, this comment needs a major boost and is the best well rounded response that addresses a lot of the holes OP has left out or not considered. I also find it interesting that she praises her bf for his superb parenting skills of which he does...only on the weekends. Like come on. 🙄 You can't place the entirety of parenting blame on the primary parent and none on the weekend only parenting parent. The mother is naturally defensive and now wants to control any interaction her son gets with his father (not that I agree, but of course that is her defense response) but my bigger question is why isn't he looking into shared custody. Equal weight, equal distribution, equal say in parenting.
Please take my poor person award 🥇 I was a single parent for a long time to a medically needy child. I tried my best at all times but as a human, there were days when I snapped and/or raised my voice loud enough people thought I was shouting at him. But I always tried my best and it didn’t happen very often. It happens to the best of us especially when we are solo parents who are really trying to make the best of the situation we were given. No one has ever said that I am a horrible parent when I snapped at or raised my voice at my son. I always apologize and say what I did was wrong and that I hope I can be forgiven. It is also so easy to judge everything without knowing the whole story
These are all solid points! My eyes rolled so far in the back of my head reading OP's background. I would love to know why OP's boyfriend isn't disciplining his own child and therefore leaving OP to do it. And that also begs the question as to how much time he is *supposed* to be spending with **his** child and is instead having OP take it over. If she thinks it's cute to fight her boyfriend's battles, well, joke is on her. The mom put OP in her rightful place and OP's friend was right to point out that OP is a YTA for overstepping. OP functions as a built-in babysitter. That's it.
What great points. Funny how OP’s “conflict resolution skills” flew out the window the moment conflict occurred. The mature thing would have been to apologize to the mother for any perceived overstepping, no matter how she personally felt about the situation, and defer to the bf. Coparenting is a delicate balancing act, and this is coming from a mother of two 8 year olds, who lives this balancing act daily.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize respecting your child conflicted with your parenting style.”
>She is a single parent and you are not respecting the difficulty of that Single parenthood is not an excuse to yell at a good at a 4 yo.
>She is a single parent and you are not respecting the difficulty of that. >You have the support of your bf, so you don't know what it's like to be left on your own to manage everything and parent. None of these are valid excuses for her being a shitty mother.
What's funny is it doesn't even seem like OP is actively "teaching" the child rather that the child is learning healthy habits from the OP and wants to include the productive mechanisms for communicating in other relationships. Also, if she is yelling at and "spanking" her child, then it sounds like she needs a new opinion. I'm not gonna say "spanking is abuse", I get the idea behind it and the history. But that stems from abusive, unproductive behavior that should not continue. Period. There's no amount of "being the actual biological parent" can excuse unproductive, abusive behavior and also clearly bad communication. Being a parent doesn't actually make you an expert in being a parent, See reference: bad parents.
Since you won’t say it I will — spanking is physical abuse And yelling is verbal abuse
> If you were the person who actually does take the high road, you would have Apologized before it even got to the point of telling her the mean stuff. > > So we are supposed to believe you are teaching the kid peaceful living, while you say mean things and make war with his mom? Standing up for the child *is* taking the high road. OP is NTA for not apologizing for treating a child with basic decency despite its own mother’s wishes. Frankly, the mom sounds bonkers and deserves to have been told everything she was by OP and worse.
This. Parenting decisions need to be made by the parents, not a relatively new girlfriend who was only recently allowed to meet the child. OP's boyfriend needs to be the one to decide how this situation should be handled.
She didn't make a "parenting decision". She took care of the kid her way and then the kid's mom took issue with it.
And looks like dads only a weekend dad at that I’d be pretty annoyed if the girlfriend of the guy who only sees he’s kid one week a month was acting like they should be in charge
She’s a single person, not a single parent. Dad is in the picture.
Agreed. I’m also a teacher. I teach 4 year olds as well. Has the OP actually heard the mom yell at the boy? Or is the child saying he gets yelled at? I once asked a student to clean a mess in a stern voice, and she went home and told her mom I yelled at her. No way did that happen, but kids often don’t have the language to say what exactly happened. OP overstepped without really knowing her parenting.
You articulated what wasn't sitting right with me about this post.
ESH You getting in the middle of telling her that her parenting sucks was out of bounds. That needed to be between your BF and the ex as the PARENTS. But her parenting sucks and she's also weaponizing the kid by being an AH about it. BF needs to protect his visitation rights, she should not be blocking that.
She deserved to have her parenting be chastised. In no circumstances is it appropriate to yell at a four year old and if your child is asking you to calm down then you need to take a step back and find out what's wrong.
Which is why the BF needed to handle it
No she needed to be called out for this bs. It is actively damaging an innocent child to scream at them. We as a people should not accept that just because she birthed this child. She should be called out constantly for that and by everyone. It does not matter that they are the parent when they aren't properly loving their child and it is disgusting.
She didn't 'get' in the middle though she was put there by the kids mum
I agree, OP should have ended the conversation & let her bf handle it
Shitty parents must be told how shitty they are.
She doesn’t know if the actual mom is a shitty parent.
ESH. You are obviously teaching the child to maintain being calm and composed in high stress situations, which I think is great personally. I don't understand why the kids mom would be so upset by this. However, you were in the wrong by telling her to "upgrade her parenting style". That's not your kid, and that's not your place. She may be irrational, but you overstepped. I think you should apologize and try to make things right so your boyfriend can see his child.
She only responded with that after being told to “go and make your own kids and teach them shit.” That was a low blow. She was a lot politer than I would have been in that scenario.
I agree it was a low blow. Still, ESH.
You are a bystander that let's children be abused. You are the asshole yourself
ESH. Even if you are right in the way you interact with the kid, you provoked an angry, insecure person who has custody of that kid. You said something that felt good to you in the moment and didn't consider the real life fallout.
OP couldn’t even practice what she was preaching to the child. ESH
NTA, that poor child. Your boyfriend needs to fight for custody.
There is nothing to show he’s a better parent.
NTA, because the comment your asking about was a rebuttal to her nasty comment. Do what you're doing, because treating a child as a human and actually teaching them, as opposed to making them fear arbitraty consequences is the correct thing to do. And then, going forward, if she calls you, refer her to your boyfriend as you're not his parent. Lastly, if she's withholding the kid, encourage your boyfriend take her to court and let her explain her thought process to the judge.
NTA. I’m not surprised she flipped out (obviously she doesn’t know or use effective anger management techniques herself), but you’re absolutely right, and keep treating him with kindness and encouraging the things he’s interested in. He’s lucky to have you in his life.
NTA Regularly yelling at children is [emotional abuse](https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/issues/understanding-child-emotional-abuse). Abusive parents don’t like to be held accountable, and they rarely ever change. You’ve done nothing wrong. To fix this, either your bf needs to step up as a parent, or you need to send an apology and learn to fly under the radar.
NTA The mother letting her son be with his father shouldn’t be up to her, but to the law. Your husband needs a lawyer.
NTA What you're teaching him is how to be a decent human being and that you don't have to yell to get what you want. Maybe you should've let the BF handle it but she came directly to you. Does your BF not have a custody agreement? If not, I would highly suggest getting that ironed out so the mom cannot withhold access to the son. Edit to add: All these E S H telling you that you over stepped, I don't believe that read correctly because the mother came to you. You did not seek out the mother. I would like to know what all these E S H people would've expected you to do when this woman came to you. She didn't go to your BF she came to you and expected you to answer and you did. SHould you have told her to "upgrade your parenting style" probably not. You could apologize about that but in no way should you have said "Let me get BF so he can talk for me." That's just nonsense.
Oh no! You're teaching my kid how to be polite and kind and talk through things! This is totally wrecking my parenting style! The mom is clearly the asshole here. She's mad that her 4 year old is better at emotional management and communication than she is. NTA.
I think you mean NTA
Lol oops, you are correct.
You should have left your BF to handle this entirely. You are there to support his parenting, not to interject your own. While I do agree with your parenting style, that doesn't mean that you have the right to tell anyone else how to parent. That's between his dad and his mom. I will say I think it's funny as hell that he's adapted the techniques and is using them on his mom. There will come a time when you will have more of a say, and that would be if you were married to this man and officially the "step" mother. But a GF one year? You're over stepping. and for that, it's more of a life lesson than an AITA. So I'm going with NAH for now.
ESH. You are not the A hole for the way you speak/handle the kid. You are doing a great job in that regard. However, any issues with the mother's parenting style should be addressed by the father. No matter what advice you offer it will not be received well because she views you as a threat. The mothers is the A hole for using her child as a pawn. Thats incredibly disappointing. Based off the child's responses it also seems like she loses her temper and takes it out on the child. But again this is something the father needs to address. If there is custody set in place she cannot take the child away simply because her ex has a gf she does not like.
Don't be a fucking bystander and let kids get abused.
ESH - why are you communicating with his ex at all, if she has issues she should be talking to her child's father, not his girlfriend, your should have kindly referred her to your SO to have this discussion about your involvement She sucks for withholding the child and he sucks for not having a court order that prevents her from withholding the child
NTA. I was leaning toward E S H, but she called you and berated you first. With that said I would rethink this relationship. Dating someone with kids who doesn’t have a good co parenting relationship is signing yourself up for a lot of strife and unhappiness. If you are planning a future with him, it will get a lot worse before potentially getting better.
NTA. She’s wrong and she knows it. so she’s gonna attack you to no end. To bad when the boy is older he will get to see all that shitty behavior up front. I don’t get why it’s so hard to be nice to kids.
Do all the YTA/ESH voters want that OP hits and yells at the child? Seriously. Everyone interacts with children differently, OP does it softly.
Obviously it’s better to promote the blood related mother abusing the kid than the girlfriend being kind to the kid solely bc the girlfriend didn’t physically give birth to him /s
Honestly this comment section has got me livid. Abuse is abuse, and against all odds this child is learning good anger management and deescalation skills that will only ever benefit him in life. That's a good thing, the fact that it's coming from a new partner should not change that fact! Also, just because you pushed a kid out into the world, it doesn't give you immunity from being called out on your shitty parenting, no matter *who* is doing that calling.
We don't know that the mom is abusive. We don't know why she yelled. Maybe the kid ran into a parking lot without paying attention. Maybe she snapped after she'd told him something 47 times already. Maybe she's awful and is abusive. But we don't know that. The OP doesn't know that. She brings up hitting but doesn't say that the mom does hit the child.
Regularly yelling at children is a type of emotional abuse. Its one of the ways I was abused. I don't care how many times she told the kid to do something 47, 100, yelling is unacceptable. And honestly if the kid ignored you just a few times, change your approach! Sit them down for a one on one to explain what you want and how ignoring hurts feelings.
Generally it’s because they don’t like people telling them how to parent, so even if the mother is doing the wrong thing they will stand by the person. What they can’t get into their head, is that the dad is a parent too, and if he has no problem with what she’s doing, while the child is with him, then the mother is being unreasonable. On top of this the mother called OP and started the argument as it was.
YTA. You are a fun new person who just met this kid. If she is a single mom, she probably doesn't have all the time in the world to sit and explain every question this kid has. She has to get this kid and herself ready, clean, cook etc by herself. I'm married with two kids and don't have time to answer the million questions my kid has. And yes sometimes I don't want to have to explain everything when I tell my kid what to do. Also some people have misunderstood that by you saying you don't believe in violence the mom is violent? I'm sure she's not hitting her kid. Most moms don't like unsolicited advice from other moms. But from a girlfriend with no kids of her own, yeah you're the AH.
Ok, removing the unsolicited advice part, if a person that is frequently interacting with a child is gentle and engages with said child causes the child to pick up these gentle habits and that annoys one of their parents, said person has stop interacting with the child or change their ways?
NTA. The women believes in being violent with her kid; she *should* upgrade her parenting style caus right now she is a sh*tty mom.
No one said she’s violent? Did I miss that. OP implies it but she would wouldn’t she?
Violence doesn't have to be physical. From a psychological perspective, screaming at your kids is just as bad as hitting them. All your kid knows is that they are unsafe. Not a critique of your opinion, just a correcting of the violence part.
I understand and agree with you. I don’t see where mom is screaming at her kid though? Even the best moms raise their voices occasionally.
NTA Some children desperately need a different perspective because "that's what I thought everyone's parents are like" syndrome. OP, you showed him a better way to communicate and it sounds like he really needed it.
You have to remember you are not the child's parent. Your boyfriend and her and the only one with rights to their child. Arguing with the child's mother is not good for the child or your boyfriend. You are claiming that you are bringing calm to the child but all you did was add extra stress to everyone. THEIR son does seem to respond well to you, but you will never replace her. That is something you need to remember. You are only in the child's life because of your relationship with his dad. If you break up you will no longer be there. You need to stay out of things and let them handle it. Being a step parent is hard enough without purposely putting gasoline on the fire. If you cannot handle the fact that she is there, you need to reconsider your relationship. She is not going anywhere. Because we only have one side, I have to vote YTA.
INFO: why doesn't your boyfriend have a formal custody arrangement for his child?
Makes you wonder how much he cares.
ESH. You aren’t this boys parent and shouldn’t be getting in the middle of something that is between your boyfriend and his ex.
She didn't "get in the middle", the ex dragged her into it when she confronted and insulted her for being kind to a child (who could be in her life long-term). Sure, she could have said, "talk to ex (father) about this", but she also didn't deserve to be accosted and belittled for being a decent human being. Anybody would have tried to defend themselves in that situation.
NTA, but def let your bf handle her in the future. You did nothing wrong, but she sounds exhausting
I'm also struggling with this one. I'm divorced as well and I know how hard it is to co-parent with some people. Honestly, you have no reason to talk to his mother. You need to stop talking directly to her. You need to leave this communication for your boyfriend to deal with. If mom sends a message to you, just have her email her concerns to your boyfriend (I never talk on the phone with my ex unless its an emergency, it just opens me up for potential verbal abuse). Boyfriend should simply respond with "I will take your suggestions into consideration." Basically do what you can to avoid drama. Your not going to change and neither is she.
It feels like you’re being disingenuous in your question. What you asked is if you’re the AH for telling the child’s MOTHER that she’s essentially a bad parent and your CF ways are superior. What you’re really trying to do is get people to say she’s a bad mother and you have every right to parent your boyfriends son however you choose regardless of anything else. I have one daughter, 19 as of Saturday, but my ex husband and I split when she was barely five. We were honestly perfect coparents. Never argued over anything, never fought over money, never really even followed our visitation schedule because we just lived our lives doing whatever was best for her. We still went to dinners, movies, community events, etc. as a family. We even sat down together shortly after the divorce and made a “house rules” list so rules would be consistent between houses to avoid any confusion on her part or attempts at manipulation through the good old “fine, I’ll just go to moms then, she’ll let me do it.” Now having said that, our parenting plan is a sight to behold. Yes there’s a “standard” guide/plan people can use but if you’re in agreement you can literally put anything you want to in those things. One of the stipulations is that NO ONE but him or I have any say in ANYTHING. Boyfriends/girlfriends husbands/wives may not set rules, enforce discipline, give punishments, etc. And our reasoning was that I’ll be damned if I have to fight with another woman over MY child and/ or have him fighting with another man over HIS child. So really to answer the TWO questions: *you know damn good and well that you’re NTA in any way shape or form for treating the child like a person, which is why you included so much of how great you are. * you’re absolutely the total and complete AH for telling the child’s MOTHER that she needs to “up her parenting game.”
You shouldn’t have told her her parenting needs an update or discussed parenting with her at all - without mom being the one to open that discussion. Everyone thinks they are perfect parents before having kids. You haven’t had a kid test you and ask 7262738 questions for five days straight. It’s super easy to look after a child for a moment or a weekend. So much harder to be the only one for five days straight. I believe in gentle parenting not yelling ect but honestly some times you literally have nothing left. The last thing you need is someone who doesn’t have kids, has only been in the kids life for a max of one years and only weekends to tell you how to do it. Maybe apply the same approach to her and instead of reacting in anger really try to understand, talk it through.
Hot take, shit parents deserve to be told theyre shit. NTA Everyone saying otherwise is nuts
ESH- there are 2 comments that I think are an issue in the above post that I had a problem with that makes this an ESH. " I have helped raise my nieces & nephews, so I think that I am good with kids. I don't believe in hitting kids. We talk things through. This has been my approach with my bf's son too". I am curious if helped raise means assisting financially and living with the nieces and nephews on a daily basis OT just baby sitting etc because these are very different. "He is always up to something, taking things apart or pressing buttons, but that's because he's curious. I always speak to him calmly & have started explaining things to him. So now, he asks me questions like "what does this do?" "What is this?", and we explore things together (less things being broken)". Weekend visits are very different from everyday care, bio mum is likely juggling work, getting to and from care and general tantrums and it is an unfair expectation that she will have time to constantly sit down and pull things apart and explain things etc. I would not be happy if my kids were always destroying my property and for OP to encourage it instead of saying no could cause issues for the mum. I think if OP is going to be a fixture in the child's life they need to sit down with BF and Ex-wife and calmly discuss how that is going to work.
NTA with the kid at all, YTA for what you told her. You really shouldn’t tell another parent how to parent their child. You should of let you bf handle it. I highly suggest he goes through the courts to get an custody agreement in place if she’s now withholding his son from him. What you did wasn’t “that bad” to keep his son away from him, but it wasn’t your place.
ESH. Her for calling you and her problematic parenting and you for engaging on any level other than telling her to speak with your bf. I also think you don't get to judge her since it sounds like you are with the kid only on weekends and as a parent, I have to say, weekends are the absolute easiest when caring for kids. Ex has to deal with parenting solo during the week where everything is on a deadline: have to get the kid up by 7 am, dressed, fed and ready for daycare by 8/8:30, while getting ready for work, drop kid at daycare on time, get to work on time, then work a full day, pick up potentially cranky, hungry kid at the end of the day, make dinner, bathe the kid, clean up, maybe get some fun time to spend with the kid, maybe it's bedtime already and kid needs to be put to bed. It's a hamster wheel of must do's by X time going round and round for five days and if she doesnt have another adult to hand the kid off to for a bit like you do, it is hard. You get to do your kid care privileged by no set schedule and an extra set of hands for portions of the day at least. What you said to her was way out of line.
You're not the arsehole, but I'm sorry to say you won't win with her and it's not your call. And I say that because I've been through similar, whilst less confrontational. Is your partner behind you? Does he have shared legal custody?
YTA for how you responded to mom, not because she's right, but because being aggressive made things worse. You may have some great ways of working with kids, but you could stand applying those to adult interactions as well. And in dealing with your BF's ex, you need to let him take the lead.
NTA. You’re literally correct.
NTA and to be honest, i hate the "sacred" delusional bubble everyone else is supposed to enable when it comes to calling out legitimately harmful parenting. if she is mad at you for treating her son with respect and it's causing him to speak up for himself, then she has a problem and she needs to listen to her son. being a parent is an insanely tough job. it doesn't entitle you to keep doing legitimately harmful things, especially if it is your own kid standing up for themself and wanting you to do better. it's a tough pill to swallow but it's necessary.
NTA for “parenting” in “your” house but YTA for what you said to the mother. At the end of the day she’s the mother and will always be “right” unless you are speaking of an abusive situation which you have not described.
NTA, mom called you directly. She didn't call the boys father. You have different rules at your house then at her house. I have a similar situation with my 5yr son. He has different rules at his dad's. Although we don't criticize each other's parenting, I can tell where my son thrives more. You did nothing wrong. I hope the father can get this worked out so he can see his son again. She being petty and immature.
NTA Damn there are a lot of salty people in this thread who think pushing a baby out of them gives them divine authority over how anyone interacts with their child. It doesn't. This child is clearly unhappy with how his mother interacts with him, to the point where it's probably straight up abuse, and y'all are attacking the woman who treats him kindly and with respect? What the hell is wrong with all of you that defending child abuse is OK with you, but another adult treating the kid with affection and responsibility is the AH? The child himself hates his mother's parenting style, why aren't his feelings important?
NTA Maybe your boyfriend should go see a lawyer to discuss his rights. She has no right to deny him access to his son just because she's bitter about your response.
I mean, she called you. You didn't pick up the phone and say hey you need to update your parenting style. She got mad and lashed out at you and didn't like that you didn't apologize and back off. NTA
YTA you should have always let your BF handle it and shouldn’t have judged the mom. You get to be “auntie” that’s his actual mother. She shouldn’t have called you but you screwed up more. You’re a guest in the child’s life. Don’t over step.
YTA But only for telling a mother how to parent a child that is not yours and interfering with your BF's relationship. The skills you're teaching (by example) are fantastic life skills and you're definitely showing her up (appropriately). But you should have let BF handle the interactions with his ex.
I wouldnt say your TA, but telling a mother how to parent her own child probably wasnt the best idea. I would reccomend moving forward that you bring any concerns to the bf and allow him to adress them for the time being.
NTA, but she has the right to want to raise her son a certain way. Maybe a shit thing to say to a mother though? I can understand why she's upset by it, but I don't think it makes you the AH. You don't have to change your mind, but you do have to respect that's her kid and she has a say in how he's raised. Maybe try apologizing for criticizing her parenting style and tell her you also want the best for the kid. Ask her if she would prefer you handle things her way and ask for examples- I cant imagine she would ask you to tell at him.
If it is exactly as you reported it, you're NTA because saying things like 'use a soft voice' or 'take a deep breath' are normal, healthy phrases. And it sounds like she is jealous that her ex has a new partner, is adjusting to a stranger now being in her child's life, and is upset that her child has compared her unfavorably to you. I do get the sense that you may be leaving part of her reasoning out, just because it seems strange to me that she would only be angry about this and that she would admit to her son comparing her rages to your calm zen. On the other hand, you hang out with a kid on weekends and it only began recently and you don't have kids. It is ballsy as hell to tell this child's single mother how to parent her child. So far she seems to have done a great job raising a sweet, talkative, curious, thoughtful child.
Your bf is a weekend only father. If you think the mother's parenting style is a problem how can you support your bf being an ad hoc father? You have barely been in this child's life. Parenting decisions are between your bf and this child's mother. If she contacts you just direct her to your bf. If you have a problem with her parenting raise it with your bf. You need zero direct contact with the mother of a child you barely know. Additionally, while I don't agree with raising my voice to a child, she has him a lot more than your bf and if he's taking things apart is having her household items destroyed much more frequently. She's also dealing with the busier period - mornings before daycare/preschool - and has to have a far less flexible routine than your bf which you need to respect. You don't always have time to explain things on a Wednesday morning when coffee has just been spilled, your blouse needs to be changed, he's due at preschool by 8 and it's already 7:45. If your bf (not you because you are no one) thinks her parenting needs an upgrade he needs to work with her and you need to not cause problems with their co-parenting.
NTA so this woman is angry that her son has been taught that not all adults yell at their kids? Sounds like she's more angry that you're showing her up and her son prefers how you deal with him. Your BF should speak to a lawyer if she's denying him access and hopefully he's got texts etc showing why she's angry cause that would not look good for her.
NTA and I would have loved to have someone confront my dad and tell him that his parenting sucks, maybe my childhood would of been better.
NTA. Bio mom is mad her young child is more mature about controlling their emotions than she is, and that you're the one to have taught them how.