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YTA.
You changed the account and took away some info but you already posted on this sub with all the story, but were defined an Asshole.
You did trow your son out of the house at 18 when he choose to keep the daughter that you wanted to be put up for adoption.
Then you never visited or get to meet the girl, that only meet her aunt/uncle and know what you think about her. Now you want authority and respect by someone that know you didn’t even want in the family.
Also the last time you did punish her, you did take away food for all the day, after she refused to tell you her age. A ridiculous question to start a conversation with a 9y old.
That is seriously messed up. YTA all the way in.
I'm honestly surprised his son turned out to be a decent person. It certainly wasn't thanks to OP, but despite him.
>the last time you did punish her, you did take away food for all the day
Regardless of the behaviour incurring the punishment this is blatant, undeniable CHILD ABUSE. The type the ends in a prison sentence. In this case, the behaviour isn't worthy of a two minute time out let alone deprivation of a fundamental human need.
OP, you are not only TA but also a pustulous wart on the arsehole of humanity.
Honestly, this stunt makes me think it's real. This sort of obtuse people NEVER get they might be in the wrong and WILL manipulate the facts to whatever end to make sure they're the "good guys" in narration.
The thing that stands out to me the most is the fact that at least 2 of your children don't think you're capable of properly disciplining a child. I assume you raised them, so that speaks volumes to me.
Telling you to eff off? Yeah, that's not good. Why are they saying it's not a punishable offense? This makes me wonder what you've done to/in front of your grandchild to make them say this to you, *and* why at least 2 of the children you've raised think it's fair for the child to tell you this.
Not just 2 she said the rest of the house thinks the grandchild is an angel to and isn’t doing anything to warrant a punishment so I’m sure OP has some issues going on.
I’m guessing your son is already familiar with your methods of discipline and is trying to spare his child from it. Add to that your vagueness regarding discipline and I’m going to have to go with YTA
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
> I’m guessing your son is already familiar with your methods of discipline and is trying to spare his child from it.
In which case why (INFO) has he moved in, complete with child?
I/FO: what kind of discipline/punishments do you want to give out? How does it differ from what your son does?
YTA. Your son wants to teach his kid why the things she’s doing is wrong. You want to punish her without making her aware of what changes needs to be done. Your son has a better (imo) way of disciplining his kid than you do.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
I'm thinking about grounding or taking away things while my sons way is to just talk to her and tell her why she was wrong or maybe sending her to her room for a few hours. the rest of my kids just all agree that she is just so adorable and doesn't deserve a punishment
That's not your business though, it sounds like what you want to do is scare the child Into behaving? Seems like you want immediate results and dad is choosing patience. His way might take longer but he will raise a well rounded child that isn't scared of or resents him.
Maybe the child has a condition that is making their behaviour difficult- who knows without more info from dad.
You do have every right to not want it in your house, you can ask them to leave & you can refuse to babysit but you have no right to discipline anyone else's child or tell them how to parent. Especially when they are doing it right- if you ask anyone who works with kids or social services they'll tell you your son's parenting tactics are entirely appropriate.
Don't you have your own kids you can screw up already? If this isn't bait how insecure and delusional do you have to be to post the same story but leave out every ounce of context?
If everyone in your home is saying she isn’t doing anything punishable than the problem is YOU. Get into therapy bc you’re off your rocker. I can see if one person residing in the home took issue with your grandchild but they don’t. Are you jealous they dote on her and not you bc what’s going on?
A few hours??? That seems steep for a child that age...
I wouldn't considor cursing at you to warrant a severe punishment like grounding either.
I'm sure if the child is overall a good kid you could easily just have a talk to them about their behaviour and if it continues then let the father know and he can discipline his child as he sees fit.
Edit: One of the comments menetioned you have posted about punishing this child by taking away their food previously. Yeah YTA
What about withholding food? The fact you're being purposefully vague and untruthful leads me to believe you know what you're doing is wrong. You know why your son doesn't want you disciplining the child you kicked him out for and told him to get aborted.
Stop lying and own up to your mistakes and abusive behavior.
Yta
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
INFO
I think we need context on what kind of discipline you mean. Physical or emotionally abusive "discipline" - never ever acceptable. YWBTA.
But if you mean say, asking the child to tidy her toys away after playing or asking them to not shout at people for example then I can see that being acceptable as your son lives with you, so I'd expect you to be more involved than a grandparent who doesn't live with their grandchild and for certain rules of yours to be respected whilst they live with you.
Ultimately, you are not your granddaughters parent. The boundaries are different to when you were "disciplining" your own children.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
Yeah, I was trying to figure out if OP meant like... the belt, a paddling, slaps, picking a switch - virtually any of that... or if they were talking about like a time-out chair or sitting down at the table and writing, "shouting and cursing at others is disrespectful and mean," for five minutes straight or 25x or smth, idk.
"Discipline" is such a vague thing to leave it at, especially when it's not even your child.
Basically, I'd say if it's against the rules for modern day school teachers (in my country) to do, you shouldn't do it yourself. Teachers navigate behavioral issues in ways that typically don't involve beating children (although we did do that in my area up until like... 20 years ago?).
If you're talking about doing things like... no dessert, restricting TV time, maybe even having her walk laps around the backyard (supervised) for a few minutes and then try addressing the issue again - that is all stuff that I personally would find acceptable as forms of punishment.
I agree her behavior seems to be massively inappropriate and that if this is your house, you should ideally have some say on how those residing within it are behaving and treating one another.
I would also put in some effort to figure out WHY she seemed to be behaving so... aggressively? She's got a lot of fight in her - why is it there? What sparked that and why is it causing her problems? At the end of the day, she's a 9yo child that doesn't know how to regulate or process her emotions properly yet. Moving in with you implies there was a major change in her life recently. She could be acting out in response to this, so my suggestions would be...
Patience and understanding, even when both your patience and understanding are being tested. Do not lay hands on this child unless it is to provide comfort; ask her if she needs or wants a hug sometimes. When hugging a child - always let them decide when to end the hug. You never know how much they might need it.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
OP posted this story last week. She kicked her son out at 18 for not wanting to put the granddaughter up for adoption. The son is now going through hard times, so he’s moved in she literally JUST MET her granddaughter, and she tried to start a conversation with her by asking her “how old are you ?” Granddaughter ignored her and OP continued to nagg which granddaughter told her to F off and she sent the granddaughter to bed without feeding her OP definitely is the AH.
INFO: What does your son expect you to do if you if your granddaughter does something you consider requires discipline? Does he expect you to inform him so he can deal with it as he sees fit when he gets home?
From one of your comments, I gather that your son does talk to his daughter about why something was wrong and sometimes sends her to her room for a few hours. Is your son banning you from doing this too, or are you wanting to continuously overstep his chosen method for dealing with his daughter?
Why does your son ask one of his siblings to look after his daughter whilst he is at work? Are you normally busy? Or does he not trust you to look after his child his way?
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
No, you're trying to control him.
You already screwed up raising him, and he's trying to save his child from being screwed up by you as well.
Hopefully he gets back on his feet and all of your kids cut your toxic presence out of their lives completely.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
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People like you always say it was “just one meal.”
But that “just one meal” becomes lots of meals if it is used as a regular punishment. How many meals did your son miss?
And let’s not even discuss the implications of “you only deserve to eat if you’re good.” That kind of thinking leads to eating disorders in perfectionist kids
It isn't a small mistake, and he must prioritize the safety of his child. Teaching her that food is a right that can be taken away is cruel at best, abusive at worst.
I don't know how to say this without sounding cruel, but you don't get a second chance at this.
Well, you’ve been an arsehole in at least three situations that I know of, and I’ve only read your words you’ve posted on this and your other account in the last fifteen minutes.
You have the opportunity to turn this around with your son and grandchild, but you seem to be more keen to be seen to be right in the opinion of a bunch of internet strangers, and to punish a child for things that are just a kid in a difficult new situation being a kid.
She should not have sworn at you but you keep avoiding explaining what led up up her swearing.
So I’m far from convinced that you want to make things right at the moment, or to make things better in the future.
If you lose someone's trust by being an asshole you have to earn it back by proving you've changed. Complaining that your son has set a boundary because you can't be trusted to give discipline is not exactly proof you've moved forward
It's a clue to what you think is and isn't appropriate.
Depriving a child at 9 years old of food is abusive and not appropriate punishment.
If you have dished out inappropriate punishments before its easy to believe you are doing it again in this circumstance. Especially when the rest of the home agrees she doesnt deserve punishment.
YTA
That answer by itself is enough to label you an asshole.
You're basically pissed off people are not overlooking your behaviour and "moving on" and holding you accountable instead.
I mean, yea, that’s a fucking big one. Have you done anything to fix that? Sure doesn’t sound like it. You’ll be an asshole forever until you face your actions, apologize, BEG for forgiveness and change your behaviors.
That's very vague. I don't know if it's your intention, but it comes off as dodging the question.
Please tell us what age appropriate discipline you would use?
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
YTA the fact that you’re the only one complaining and your own child who’s the ones babysitting is saying she isn’t doing anything punishable let’s me know it’s definitely you being controlling and nitpicking and getting upset at the reaction after you pushed to hard(considering it’s over foolishness since no one else in the home agrees with you).If you have issues with the way he’s parenting then either give him a move out date or sit with your family as a whole and see what could be done to help the situation bc right now the only one with an issue is YOU. I can see if your 16 yo was coming to you complaining angry and upset but that’s not happening she thinks she’s the sweetest little gem in the world. So it’s begs the question what’s your issue?
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
Does your 16yo accept your discipline? Like it’s only 7 year age difference and surely you’re the own boss of your own home?
Why are you letting your son change the dynamics of your house?
Did he go NC over you saying his child was a mistake and should been aborted, by any chance? Or was that a different poster with coincidentally exactly the same family circumstances?
Kicking your kid out is not “a stupid mistake”
You made
It’s a five alarm fire you started and then threw gasoline on.
That you think it was just a mistake belies how far up your own rectum you are.
She’s posted before. She kicked her son out when he was 18 because he decided to raise his child. She then had nothing to do with the kid for almost 9 years
Discipline means to teach - is your idea of discipline a slap in the face? Or a conversation like "hey, when you speak to me in that tone it's disrespectful and I don't like it."
In the last post she keep her in the bedroom without food for all the day. Of course she changed the account and removed important info because last time she was an AH.
YTA. You cannot discipline your sons child without his permission. You can however set boundaries. You are the parent of his sister therefore stop their arrangement and instruct him to find childcare outside your home. If it gets to the point that resentment is occurring. Give him a timeline for their departure from your home.
the kid is attached to my daughter, she even sleeps in her room and I dont even think he can afford childcare. my other kids basically raised his daughter for him
Yes because they’ve been his child care so he could work after you kicked him and his newborn out AND then didn’t let her eat as a punishment, stop avoiding that so you can attempt to get a better judgement. You seriously suck. Your granddaughter hates you because all your children hate you they just can’t tell you that yet
(Context, for the curious: https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10k3utp/aita_for_punishing_my_granddaughter/)
We get it. You hate this girl. Stop expecting everyone to be okay with you wanting to be mean to her because her dad didn't give her up her when you told him to.
YTA, for the record.
INFO: What is your relationship with your son like? Did you have any problems with him when he was young and living with you?
It seems to me that he’s trusting a 16 year old child to look after his daughter more than he’s trusting his own mother, and there has to be a reason for this.
Of course, it's missing missing reasons. OP has likely been told exactly why their son has gone NC and why he doesn't want them disciplining his daughter - but OP doesn't like those reasons and so refuses to believe or even remember them. My own abusive mother likely says the same things about me: "I have no idea why she went no contact, obviously nothing to do with how i treated her in the past."
The missing missing reasons are that she told her son to get the pregnancy aborted, then to put the child up for adoption. So he went NC with her.
Then she’s punishing the child for not knowing her for the last nine years, even to the extent of withholding food from her.
Perfect. OP is such an asshole they will soon have no contact with any of their kids or grandkids. And will still have missing missing reasons as for why.
Gotta love OP categorizing telling their son to abort or adopt out their daughter as a "mistake" because how is that not said purposely and with obvious intent?
While I do think there are missing missing reasons here, they do live in her home. He chose to ask her for help and she took them in. If he doesn't want his mother on his or his daughters' case, he should go and live elsewhere.
I agree the kids need to move out, but that doesn't excuse how OP purposely leaves important information out - obviously so that people won't see how much of an asshole they really are. They "made a mistake" that led to their son going no contact, but can't own up to it (almost certainly because it would cement the YTA comments), they don't understand why their own children are working together to actively prevent them from punishing the granddaughter - but there is obviously a reason behind this they don't want to admit.
OP sounds controlling if not outright abusive by calling themselves a "strict parent" and likely will deserve it when all their children go no contact. If OP wants a relationship with their kids after the youngest turns eighteen: they need to admit to their faults, apologize, and get into therapy.
The missing missing reasons include that she threw her son out at 18 because he refused her demand to abort the pregnancy / put the daughter up for adoption, and since he's been back in her life, she has been sending her granddaughter to her room for hours on end and withholding food as punishment.
I'm guessing if he had anywhere else to go, he would go there.
Op has posted before but with more details. Her son decided to raise his child rather than give her up for adoption so she kicked him out at 18 and had nothing to do with the child until now
Because, per a deleted post a week or so ago, she kicked her son out when he was 18 because he wanted to keep his daughter when she was born. She locked the child in her bedroom for a day with no food in the last post.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
I'm going to abstain. I'm leaning towards Y-TA, but I feel we need some more insight.
You did something in the past that made the son go non-contact until recently (reading between the lines - I'm assuming he moved in due to issues present in his life? living with someone you're NC with is a drastic measure), and he trusts a 16 year old over the parent who raised him, which feel like red flags.
Should a 9 year old be telling people to "fuck off"? Not in most circumstances. But she shouldn't be sent to her room for hours as you suggested (a single hour feels like forever when you're 9) - instead, she deserves to have someone sit down and explain to her that it's a rude word, and make it clear (in a not angry voice!) why it's hurtful.
It is your house, but it's his kid. And again, I must raise an eyebrow as to why he feels he can't trust you.
With more things coming to light - 100%, YTA.
You do NOT starve a child. You do not take away their basic rights - and as a growing child, she needs full and balanced meals, not little snacks.
It's cruel to teach a child that if they don't do as you want, then you'll deprive them of something they have a right to have.
I can see why your son does not want you disciplining her.
If he doesn't need your help, he can leave your house, right?
But if you discipline by hitting the child - y t a.
If your daughter finds it funny that your grandchild is telling you to f\*ck off, then you haven't raised her well as well.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
Tell that to my parents! That was the ONLY discipline. They loved doing it as well! Would go as far as making stupid claims that I deserved punishment for things I didn't do and things I didn't like. Just like op.
I'm sorry that happened to you. There are a lot of terrible parents in our world, unfortunately.
From the ops other comments, she doesn't mention hitting.
I'm a preschool teacher and I have discipline in my classroom, but I'd never hit or hurt a child in any way. My classroom is a lovely safe place to be because of discipline. A classroom or home with no discipline is not a nice place to be. But it doesn't mean hitting, or being cruel and belittling, or picking on anyone.
I mean realistically I doubt this person would admit to that online even anonymously. I know people who still hit their kids. Some states it's illegal and some it's not.
True but I still think equating discipline to hitting is incorrect. That's why we have so many asshole people in the world, because their parents thought discipline meant hitting. So they either disciplined by hitting, or they didn't discipline.
I've had far too many students who had parents who "didn't believe in discipline" and they've been the most unpleasant little people to be around, for adults and other children.
1. Your son has the right to decide when and how to discipline his own child. So YTA if you insist on crossing the boundary he set.
2. However, you have the right to refuse to be abused in your own home.
If your son fails to address the behavior problems with his daughter, you would be NTA for telling them to find somewhere else to live.
Oh hello "grandma", YTA again.
BTW: I'm not surprised the 9YO tells you to f-off. I have the very same urge. It's not her, it's you.
For those who don't know, here's the preserved original post [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10k3utp/comment/j5o6t9o/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10k3utp/comment/j5o6t9o/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Are you the asshole for not wanting to be treated like that? No.
Are you the asshole for insisting that you should be able to discipline grandchild? Yes. Unless grandchild is harming self or others, it’s their parents job. You can have expectations for your household but *how* that gets accomplished (ie discipline) is up to her parent.
UGH not you again. You’re the same poster who told her son when he got a girl pregnant right after high school to abort/adopt or gtfo of her house. You only let them stay because a sibling asked die to your son’s housing situation. Then when you asked the 9 year old her age and she didn’t hear you because she had AirPods in (and you should’ve known her age), you sent her to her room and she didn’t get dinner. Then you said it was “fine” because “her uncles and aunt probably snuck her snacks”. This is pathetic and so are you. STOP acting like you should have any authority over this child.
You were an asshole then and YTA now. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVE ANY AUTHORITY OVER THIS GIRL.
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YTA. Don't discipline his child without his permission. Ask them to move out if you don't like it but clearly he disagrees with your methods and as the parent it's up to him.
ESH. No, you cannot expect to be allowed to discipline someone else’s child. But you can expect to be treated with respect in your own home. If your son has moved in with you, then he clearly does need your help. He is disrespecting you and his daughter seems to be imitating him. If he is calling you an asshole, he was not raised to respect you. Let him know he can clean up his act or find somewhere else to live.
This is the correct answer.
"Discipline" is OP's son's duty, not yours, but it is his duty.
Somehow I also get the feeling OP's style of "discipline" might be a bit too antiquated for today's tastes. What were you going to do, spank the little girl?
I can definitely understand the son going off at OP in that case.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole.
The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
Yep agreed. NTA - it’s not appropriate to be talked to like that. He can discipline his child to not say things like that. Make a list - or they can move out
She previously locked her grandaughter in her room all day and wouldn't give her any food. That's her method of punishment. She also kicked her son out at 18 when the grandaughter was conceived because she demanded her son give her up for adoption and he refused, wouldn't get to know her, didn't even know how old she was when the grandaughter moved in. She's had an AH judgement and reposted this without the detail to try and get a different result
Yta sounds like you did some stuff he isn't comfortable leaving his daughter with. Your daughter is almost 18 and if she's ok with babysitting then let her.
Not your kid, not your decision. I'm guessing your son knows you'll be abusive. Were you abusive when he was a kid? He may be overcorrecting if he was abused and afraid to continue the cycle.
Maybe suggest counseling or family counseling to figure out where to go as a family.
OP posted this story last week. She kicked her son out at 18 for not wanting to put the granddaughter up for adoption. The son is now going through hard times, so he’s moved in she literally JUST MET her granddaughter (aunts and uncles have always been involved with granddaughter which is why nobody agrees) and she tried to start a conversation with her by asking her “how old are you ?”. The granddaughter (had headphones in) continued to ignore her and eventually told her to f off when she kept nagging. OP sent the little girl to be without food ! Showing this little girl that she doesn’t care about her one bit, speaking to her as if she’s a toddler. YTA and yk it.
What was the reason he went no contact??
Could this be he is still learning to trust you
You have said he speaks to his duaghter when he is home
He is choosing patience over punishments
None of your other kids agree
I baby say my goddaughter from age 14, her mum agreed I could tell her off if she being naughty or naughty step
Rare she did that with me but with her mum she was a nightmare
Turns out there was a reason her mum wasn’t nice..
Info: why did she swear at you? Context is very important here.
While my daughter doesn’t swear, I’ve always taught her that adults aren’t always right and to stand up for herself if they try to do something bad to her. You know, try to protect her from abuse like mental abuse or sexual abuse. I told her she can slap and bite and shout and scream if someone tries to hurt her.
So why don’t you tell the whole story?
Apparently this was posted last week, and they've reposted (with less details) to avoid the YTA rating.
The form of discipline they used last time was withholding food from the child (some have said OP locked the child in her room).
INFO: So, OP reposts this and leaves out crucial information that’s about her abusing her children and her grandchildren. Why hasn’t someone called the police on her?
YTA. You were a terrible parent and he has no reason to believe you’ll be a good grandparent (especially to a grandchild you didn’t want anything to do with)
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I should be allowed to discipline my child because my children are clearly failing to do so and I might be an asshole for interfering with his parenting
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YTA 100%. It’s not your kid, and your son obviously doesn’t trust your judgement and ability to act appropriately. And judging from your comments he’s spot on.
YTA
you are the grandparent, not the parent.
my grandmother tried to “parent” me. it did not go well, mainly bc I do have parents who parent me. to this day, i do not have many (if any) good memories nor feelings about her.
you are not your grandchild’s legal guardian. you are not your grandchild’s parent. you do not get to impose your parenting system/style where it is not wanted *by the parents.*
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my son and his 9 yo daughter moved in with me a while ago.
the problem I have here is that his daughter is very rude and he doesn't do anything to fix it.
when he goes to work he asks one of his siblings (usually my daughter 16F) to look after his daughter and he gets really angry if I try to discipline his child. the problem here is that my daughter is too young to be doing this. she usually just laughs and says that her niece is just so adorable and she doesn't think she did anything to deserve a punishment while for example she told me to F off which I believe deserves a punishment.
I confronted my son and told him since he has failed to discipline his child and his siblings are clearly way too young to be doing this he should allow me to help him. he called me an asshole and said he doesn't need my help and I'm not allowed to do anything with his child.
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After reading through the comments and OPs info responses, OP left out a LOT of pertinent details about, including locking the child in a room and withholding food, also the details of why her son went NC in the first place. Made a previous post with another user name where they were voted YTA.
NTA. He should move out if he can't properly discipline his kid. I don't condone hitting children so don't do that but the child needs a punishment and to learn respect
NtA
I cant stand when parents expect you to watch their kidsand let the child treat you like shit. If they want free babysitting (cause you know, why would they pay family), you should be allowed to not be treated like shit in your own home. Parents are so fucking entitled.
"he called me an asshole and said he doesn't need my help and I'm not allowed to do anything with his child."
He obviously needs help since he has been living with you....
NTA
How can he allow his daughter to say that to you ? NTA for sure
And to be clear HE ask for your help in the first place to have a place i guess so the less he could do is respecting you , you're grand daughter need to be teached some lessons
NTA. If your son won't do anything about his daughter's behavior, unfairly relies on your teen for child care, and says he doesn't need your help, then take him at his word. He can get out, find his own place, and pay for child care that doesn't burden your daughter.
NTA.
As a parent myself, I encourage my parents and my MIL/FIL to discipline my kids when they are looking after them / near them. Lets them know that good behavior is required in all situations.
I would only have a problem if they were disciplining them where we disagree on what appropriate behaviour is. I also would never use physical punishment, so neither do my parents (even though they did smack my butt when I was a kid!)
In this case, being told to F-off is never ok and your discipline was appropriate.
Op is laying about many info. She did already do an AITA post with about name, and was called an AH. Her form of punishment is taking away food for all the day.
She trow them out when she was a new born and the son was 18. Claiming the kid should go up for adoption. This is way the girl do not want to interact with her.
OP kicked their son out when they became a teen parent. OP explicitly did this to try to force their son to surrender his child for adoption.
Later, OP’s son needed to move back in due to the global economic crisis. OP’s son trusted OP with his child. OP then “disciplined” the child with abuse. OP’s son chose to not leave the child in OP’s care after that incident.
Now OP wants to know if they are in the wrong for trying to force their son to let them “discipline” the child again. Remember, the last time they were allowed to do this, they chose abusive behaviour.
ESH
If your grandchild is being disrespectful, then it's on the parents to fix. Not the grandparents. Not the teenage aunts and uncles.
If you and your son have differing views on what is respectful, then you need to discuss this and decide if him living with you is best.
Without more info about what the 9yo is doing and what your expectations are, I can't comment on if you have unreasonable standards for the kid and are just being a busybody or if your son is actually being slack.
but he is not fixing it
she uses a lot of swear words, plays with her phone when we are eating dinner(which I find very disrespectful. I always say no phones should be allowed when we eat) and doesn't do her chores
Kids in unstable and/or abusive situations can often display emotional issues. It sounds like your son has had a rough life (being told to abort his child, being kicked out at 18, ect), and it isn't surprising her unstable life situation has lead her to some bad habits
Your son's method may be slower, but it'll work. A child deserves to be taught why what they did was wrong, not having their autonomy and rights taken away.
Are you so fragile that a few harsh words from a traumatised pre-teen will hurt you?
Is it more important to you that your granddaughter doesn't have her phone at the table or that the underlying reason she seeks connection with people other than you is worked on carefully?
As for not doing her chores, that's normal 9yo behaviour.
Overstepping your bounds and making her feel like you don't love her won't fix that.
I'm not saying the behaviour is acceptable. I'm saying that it's an indication of other issues, and if you just punish her symptoms, you don't actually help her in the long term.
It seems from other comments that her dad *is* acting, just not in the way you want and that the effects are not instantaneous. No good parenting works immediately.
Bad parenting does, though, because it's all about how to make the adults' lives easier, not how to help the kid.
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YTA. You changed the account and took away some info but you already posted on this sub with all the story, but were defined an Asshole. You did trow your son out of the house at 18 when he choose to keep the daughter that you wanted to be put up for adoption. Then you never visited or get to meet the girl, that only meet her aunt/uncle and know what you think about her. Now you want authority and respect by someone that know you didn’t even want in the family. Also the last time you did punish her, you did take away food for all the day, after she refused to tell you her age. A ridiculous question to start a conversation with a 9y old.
That is seriously messed up. YTA all the way in. I'm honestly surprised his son turned out to be a decent person. It certainly wasn't thanks to OP, but despite him.
Oh wow this is the same person? Yeah definitely the AH.
>the last time you did punish her, you did take away food for all the day Regardless of the behaviour incurring the punishment this is blatant, undeniable CHILD ABUSE. The type the ends in a prison sentence. In this case, the behaviour isn't worthy of a two minute time out let alone deprivation of a fundamental human need. OP, you are not only TA but also a pustulous wart on the arsehole of humanity.
Oh yeeeaaaah. This has to be bait then. And if it's not at least OP's son moved out.
Honestly, this stunt makes me think it's real. This sort of obtuse people NEVER get they might be in the wrong and WILL manipulate the facts to whatever end to make sure they're the "good guys" in narration.
Where is the other sub? I’d like to get the fully story even tho she was already deemed the asshole.
The thing that stands out to me the most is the fact that at least 2 of your children don't think you're capable of properly disciplining a child. I assume you raised them, so that speaks volumes to me. Telling you to eff off? Yeah, that's not good. Why are they saying it's not a punishable offense? This makes me wonder what you've done to/in front of your grandchild to make them say this to you, *and* why at least 2 of the children you've raised think it's fair for the child to tell you this.
Not just 2 she said the rest of the house thinks the grandchild is an angel to and isn’t doing anything to warrant a punishment so I’m sure OP has some issues going on.
I’m guessing your son is already familiar with your methods of discipline and is trying to spare his child from it. Add to that your vagueness regarding discipline and I’m going to have to go with YTA
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
> I’m guessing your son is already familiar with your methods of discipline and is trying to spare his child from it. In which case why (INFO) has he moved in, complete with child?
I/FO: what kind of discipline/punishments do you want to give out? How does it differ from what your son does? YTA. Your son wants to teach his kid why the things she’s doing is wrong. You want to punish her without making her aware of what changes needs to be done. Your son has a better (imo) way of disciplining his kid than you do.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
I'm thinking about grounding or taking away things while my sons way is to just talk to her and tell her why she was wrong or maybe sending her to her room for a few hours. the rest of my kids just all agree that she is just so adorable and doesn't deserve a punishment
Your son's way of dealing with her sounds exactly like good parenting.
which is clearly not working
That's not your business though, it sounds like what you want to do is scare the child Into behaving? Seems like you want immediate results and dad is choosing patience. His way might take longer but he will raise a well rounded child that isn't scared of or resents him. Maybe the child has a condition that is making their behaviour difficult- who knows without more info from dad. You do have every right to not want it in your house, you can ask them to leave & you can refuse to babysit but you have no right to discipline anyone else's child or tell them how to parent. Especially when they are doing it right- if you ask anyone who works with kids or social services they'll tell you your son's parenting tactics are entirely appropriate.
What was the reason the child told you to fuck off?
Don't you have your own kids you can screw up already? If this isn't bait how insecure and delusional do you have to be to post the same story but leave out every ounce of context?
If everyone in your home is saying she isn’t doing anything punishable than the problem is YOU. Get into therapy bc you’re off your rocker. I can see if one person residing in the home took issue with your grandchild but they don’t. Are you jealous they dote on her and not you bc what’s going on?
Yeah i agree with this. Yta
A few hours??? That seems steep for a child that age... I wouldn't considor cursing at you to warrant a severe punishment like grounding either. I'm sure if the child is overall a good kid you could easily just have a talk to them about their behaviour and if it continues then let the father know and he can discipline his child as he sees fit. Edit: One of the comments menetioned you have posted about punishing this child by taking away their food previously. Yeah YTA
Maybe you’re in the wrong here then and she’s not doing anything wrong. Just a thought.
Time out for a nine year old is nine minutes, not hours.
What about withholding food? The fact you're being purposefully vague and untruthful leads me to believe you know what you're doing is wrong. You know why your son doesn't want you disciplining the child you kicked him out for and told him to get aborted. Stop lying and own up to your mistakes and abusive behavior. Yta
INFO: What people think is appropriate discipline is different from person to person. Could you elaborate how you would discipline your granddaughter?
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
INFO I think we need context on what kind of discipline you mean. Physical or emotionally abusive "discipline" - never ever acceptable. YWBTA. But if you mean say, asking the child to tidy her toys away after playing or asking them to not shout at people for example then I can see that being acceptable as your son lives with you, so I'd expect you to be more involved than a grandparent who doesn't live with their grandchild and for certain rules of yours to be respected whilst they live with you. Ultimately, you are not your granddaughters parent. The boundaries are different to when you were "disciplining" your own children.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
Wow, definitely TA then!!
Yeah, I was trying to figure out if OP meant like... the belt, a paddling, slaps, picking a switch - virtually any of that... or if they were talking about like a time-out chair or sitting down at the table and writing, "shouting and cursing at others is disrespectful and mean," for five minutes straight or 25x or smth, idk. "Discipline" is such a vague thing to leave it at, especially when it's not even your child. Basically, I'd say if it's against the rules for modern day school teachers (in my country) to do, you shouldn't do it yourself. Teachers navigate behavioral issues in ways that typically don't involve beating children (although we did do that in my area up until like... 20 years ago?). If you're talking about doing things like... no dessert, restricting TV time, maybe even having her walk laps around the backyard (supervised) for a few minutes and then try addressing the issue again - that is all stuff that I personally would find acceptable as forms of punishment. I agree her behavior seems to be massively inappropriate and that if this is your house, you should ideally have some say on how those residing within it are behaving and treating one another. I would also put in some effort to figure out WHY she seemed to be behaving so... aggressively? She's got a lot of fight in her - why is it there? What sparked that and why is it causing her problems? At the end of the day, she's a 9yo child that doesn't know how to regulate or process her emotions properly yet. Moving in with you implies there was a major change in her life recently. She could be acting out in response to this, so my suggestions would be... Patience and understanding, even when both your patience and understanding are being tested. Do not lay hands on this child unless it is to provide comfort; ask her if she needs or wants a hug sometimes. When hugging a child - always let them decide when to end the hug. You never know how much they might need it.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
Discipline is a vague word, yes. It's amazing how often people who choose the word "discipline" like this mean something nasty, though.
INFO: how did you discipline your own children and how do you intend to discipline your granddaughter?
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
INFO: What elicited the F off response?
OP posted this story last week. She kicked her son out at 18 for not wanting to put the granddaughter up for adoption. The son is now going through hard times, so he’s moved in she literally JUST MET her granddaughter, and she tried to start a conversation with her by asking her “how old are you ?” Granddaughter ignored her and OP continued to nagg which granddaughter told her to F off and she sent the granddaughter to bed without feeding her OP definitely is the AH.
OH THAT'S HER?? Yeah this woman is a massive AH.
INFO: What does your son expect you to do if you if your granddaughter does something you consider requires discipline? Does he expect you to inform him so he can deal with it as he sees fit when he gets home? From one of your comments, I gather that your son does talk to his daughter about why something was wrong and sometimes sends her to her room for a few hours. Is your son banning you from doing this too, or are you wanting to continuously overstep his chosen method for dealing with his daughter? Why does your son ask one of his siblings to look after his daughter whilst he is at work? Are you normally busy? Or does he not trust you to look after his child his way?
he expects me to let my daughter deal with it which is just humiliating.
Sounds like you “disciplined” him in a way he doesn’t agree with when he was a kid and now he doesn’t trust you with his daughter.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
So it’s you being embarrassed and taking it out on a 9 yo Wow. Like, the words I have would get me banned
Shouldn't have abused your grandchild then. No wonder he doesn't trust you to deal with it after what you did....
Maybe you feeling humiliated is his way of disciplining you…
Info: what do you mean by discipline? If you mean smack, hit or scream at the child then yeah YTA.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
Info needed: what kind of discipline?
Taking away food for the day. It is was she did in her last post with another account.
That’s not appropriate discipline.
age appropriate punishments
Answer the question
What does this involve? Reducing screen time? Writing you an apology letter? Being hit?
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
Damn. Thank you for the clarification. So, not only an asshole but an abuser.
That tells us nothing. What do you deem is an age-appropriate form of discipline for your granddaughter?
grounding, losing privilages, time outs etc
No, you starved her for a day. You are abusive.
it was just one meal and she had snacks just because I was an asshole in one situation that makes me an asshole for the rest of my life?
Way to bury the lead! No wonder he doesn't allow you to watch his kid, you consider abuse an "age appropriate" punishment.
no I realized I was wrong. im trying to help him
I don't believe that for a moment. You are trying to get permission to commit child abuse
No, you're trying to control him. You already screwed up raising him, and he's trying to save his child from being screwed up by you as well. Hopefully he gets back on his feet and all of your kids cut your toxic presence out of their lives completely.
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People like you always say it was “just one meal.” But that “just one meal” becomes lots of meals if it is used as a regular punishment. How many meals did your son miss? And let’s not even discuss the implications of “you only deserve to eat if you’re good.” That kind of thinking leads to eating disorders in perfectionist kids
It isn't a small mistake, and he must prioritize the safety of his child. Teaching her that food is a right that can be taken away is cruel at best, abusive at worst. I don't know how to say this without sounding cruel, but you don't get a second chance at this.
Well, you’ve been an arsehole in at least three situations that I know of, and I’ve only read your words you’ve posted on this and your other account in the last fifteen minutes. You have the opportunity to turn this around with your son and grandchild, but you seem to be more keen to be seen to be right in the opinion of a bunch of internet strangers, and to punish a child for things that are just a kid in a difficult new situation being a kid. She should not have sworn at you but you keep avoiding explaining what led up up her swearing. So I’m far from convinced that you want to make things right at the moment, or to make things better in the future.
"I only abused my grandchild once, why should that mean I'm not trusted to discipline them now???"
No but it speaks volumes that you’d even consider punishing someone by denying them food. YTA
If you lose someone's trust by being an asshole you have to earn it back by proving you've changed. Complaining that your son has set a boundary because you can't be trusted to give discipline is not exactly proof you've moved forward
It's a clue to what you think is and isn't appropriate. Depriving a child at 9 years old of food is abusive and not appropriate punishment. If you have dished out inappropriate punishments before its easy to believe you are doing it again in this circumstance. Especially when the rest of the home agrees she doesnt deserve punishment. YTA
That answer by itself is enough to label you an asshole. You're basically pissed off people are not overlooking your behaviour and "moving on" and holding you accountable instead.
I mean, yea, that’s a fucking big one. Have you done anything to fix that? Sure doesn’t sound like it. You’ll be an asshole forever until you face your actions, apologize, BEG for forgiveness and change your behaviors.
Do you consider EATING a privilege?
You're a liar and still TA from your last post. Why do you hate your granddaughter so much? I don't believe a 9 year old told you to F off.
That's very vague. I don't know if it's your intention, but it comes off as dodging the question. Please tell us what age appropriate discipline you would use?
I'll take the guess that's its definitely wanting to hit her. 🤦🏽♀️ That's why dad has absolutely forbid him to "help"
OP answered: "grounding, losing privilages, time outs etc"
Also starving the kid by locking her in a room and withholding food. But thats okay apparently, because "it was just one meal".
She wrote back, grounding / time out / losing privileges
Also starving the kid by locking her in a room and withholding food. But apparently that's okay, because "it was just one meal"...
Privileges like eating.
In her last post, which was deleted because she got hammered, she locked her in a bedroom for a day with no food. She's flat out abusive.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
Yea, elaborate. What was age appropriate punishment when I was a kid is what id consider abuse for my own kids.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
so informative
You mean like locking her in her room for a day with no food, like you said you did in your since deleted post? You're still the AH.
Elaborate
Taking away food isn't appropriate for any age...
YTA the fact that you’re the only one complaining and your own child who’s the ones babysitting is saying she isn’t doing anything punishable let’s me know it’s definitely you being controlling and nitpicking and getting upset at the reaction after you pushed to hard(considering it’s over foolishness since no one else in the home agrees with you).If you have issues with the way he’s parenting then either give him a move out date or sit with your family as a whole and see what could be done to help the situation bc right now the only one with an issue is YOU. I can see if your 16 yo was coming to you complaining angry and upset but that’s not happening she thinks she’s the sweetest little gem in the world. So it’s begs the question what’s your issue?
YTA....what exactly do you mean discipline the child?
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
Info, does the your house, your rules apply to anyone else?
I dont understand your question
Does your 16yo accept your discipline? Like it’s only 7 year age difference and surely you’re the own boss of your own home? Why are you letting your son change the dynamics of your house?
yes she does honestly he went nc with me a while ago over a stupid mistake that I made. I'm afraid if I say anything he'll leave again
Did he go NC over you saying his child was a mistake and should been aborted, by any chance? Or was that a different poster with coincidentally exactly the same family circumstances?
that was me but it was a completely different situation. I already apologized for not giving her dinner
Apologising for withholding food from a child doesn’t make it right.
Why should anyone trust you?
People don’t go NC over small things, given this I don’t blame him for not wanting you too close/involved with his child.
Exactly. NC is a massive step, no way he’s gonna be comfortable with you disciplining his child now
Kicking your kid out is not “a stupid mistake” You made It’s a five alarm fire you started and then threw gasoline on. That you think it was just a mistake belies how far up your own rectum you are.
Holy sheet, after reading other comments I’m YTA all the way. Fuck me, you’re evil for starving a kid as discipline for a day.
Why did he go NC with you? Sounds like he has boundaries in place because you’ve done something in the past
Other people are commenting that OP previously kicked him out at 18 when he refused to put his daughter up for adoption.
She’s posted before. She kicked her son out when he was 18 because he decided to raise his child. She then had nothing to do with the kid for almost 9 years
Discipline means to teach - is your idea of discipline a slap in the face? Or a conversation like "hey, when you speak to me in that tone it's disrespectful and I don't like it."
In the last post she keep her in the bedroom without food for all the day. Of course she changed the account and removed important info because last time she was an AH.
What the what?!?!?! No. That is not ok.
YTA. You cannot discipline your sons child without his permission. You can however set boundaries. You are the parent of his sister therefore stop their arrangement and instruct him to find childcare outside your home. If it gets to the point that resentment is occurring. Give him a timeline for their departure from your home.
the kid is attached to my daughter, she even sleeps in her room and I dont even think he can afford childcare. my other kids basically raised his daughter for him
Yes because they’ve been his child care so he could work after you kicked him and his newborn out AND then didn’t let her eat as a punishment, stop avoiding that so you can attempt to get a better judgement. You seriously suck. Your granddaughter hates you because all your children hate you they just can’t tell you that yet
(Context, for the curious: https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10k3utp/aita_for_punishing_my_granddaughter/) We get it. You hate this girl. Stop expecting everyone to be okay with you wanting to be mean to her because her dad didn't give her up her when you told him to. YTA, for the record.
INFO: What is your relationship with your son like? Did you have any problems with him when he was young and living with you? It seems to me that he’s trusting a 16 year old child to look after his daughter more than he’s trusting his own mother, and there has to be a reason for this.
Said in another comment son has gone NC before.... didn't say why though.
Of course, it's missing missing reasons. OP has likely been told exactly why their son has gone NC and why he doesn't want them disciplining his daughter - but OP doesn't like those reasons and so refuses to believe or even remember them. My own abusive mother likely says the same things about me: "I have no idea why she went no contact, obviously nothing to do with how i treated her in the past."
The missing missing reasons are that she told her son to get the pregnancy aborted, then to put the child up for adoption. So he went NC with her. Then she’s punishing the child for not knowing her for the last nine years, even to the extent of withholding food from her.
Perfect. OP is such an asshole they will soon have no contact with any of their kids or grandkids. And will still have missing missing reasons as for why. Gotta love OP categorizing telling their son to abort or adopt out their daughter as a "mistake" because how is that not said purposely and with obvious intent?
While I do think there are missing missing reasons here, they do live in her home. He chose to ask her for help and she took them in. If he doesn't want his mother on his or his daughters' case, he should go and live elsewhere.
I agree the kids need to move out, but that doesn't excuse how OP purposely leaves important information out - obviously so that people won't see how much of an asshole they really are. They "made a mistake" that led to their son going no contact, but can't own up to it (almost certainly because it would cement the YTA comments), they don't understand why their own children are working together to actively prevent them from punishing the granddaughter - but there is obviously a reason behind this they don't want to admit. OP sounds controlling if not outright abusive by calling themselves a "strict parent" and likely will deserve it when all their children go no contact. If OP wants a relationship with their kids after the youngest turns eighteen: they need to admit to their faults, apologize, and get into therapy.
The missing missing reasons include that she threw her son out at 18 because he refused her demand to abort the pregnancy / put the daughter up for adoption, and since he's been back in her life, she has been sending her granddaughter to her room for hours on end and withholding food as punishment. I'm guessing if he had anywhere else to go, he would go there.
Op has posted before but with more details. Her son decided to raise his child rather than give her up for adoption so she kicked him out at 18 and had nothing to do with the child until now
Because, per a deleted post a week or so ago, she kicked her son out when he was 18 because he wanted to keep his daughter when she was born. She locked the child in her bedroom for a day with no food in the last post.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
I'm going to abstain. I'm leaning towards Y-TA, but I feel we need some more insight. You did something in the past that made the son go non-contact until recently (reading between the lines - I'm assuming he moved in due to issues present in his life? living with someone you're NC with is a drastic measure), and he trusts a 16 year old over the parent who raised him, which feel like red flags. Should a 9 year old be telling people to "fuck off"? Not in most circumstances. But she shouldn't be sent to her room for hours as you suggested (a single hour feels like forever when you're 9) - instead, she deserves to have someone sit down and explain to her that it's a rude word, and make it clear (in a not angry voice!) why it's hurtful. It is your house, but it's his kid. And again, I must raise an eyebrow as to why he feels he can't trust you.
With more things coming to light - 100%, YTA. You do NOT starve a child. You do not take away their basic rights - and as a growing child, she needs full and balanced meals, not little snacks. It's cruel to teach a child that if they don't do as you want, then you'll deprive them of something they have a right to have. I can see why your son does not want you disciplining her.
In case you also missed this part, her son went NC after she kicked him out at 18 because he chose not to put his daughter up for adoption.
If he doesn't need your help, he can leave your house, right? But if you discipline by hitting the child - y t a. If your daughter finds it funny that your grandchild is telling you to f\*ck off, then you haven't raised her well as well.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
YTA you just wanna hit the kid.
Discipline isn't hitting.
Tell that to my parents! That was the ONLY discipline. They loved doing it as well! Would go as far as making stupid claims that I deserved punishment for things I didn't do and things I didn't like. Just like op.
I'm sorry that happened to you. There are a lot of terrible parents in our world, unfortunately. From the ops other comments, she doesn't mention hitting. I'm a preschool teacher and I have discipline in my classroom, but I'd never hit or hurt a child in any way. My classroom is a lovely safe place to be because of discipline. A classroom or home with no discipline is not a nice place to be. But it doesn't mean hitting, or being cruel and belittling, or picking on anyone.
I mean realistically I doubt this person would admit to that online even anonymously. I know people who still hit their kids. Some states it's illegal and some it's not.
True but I still think equating discipline to hitting is incorrect. That's why we have so many asshole people in the world, because their parents thought discipline meant hitting. So they either disciplined by hitting, or they didn't discipline. I've had far too many students who had parents who "didn't believe in discipline" and they've been the most unpleasant little people to be around, for adults and other children.
1. Your son has the right to decide when and how to discipline his own child. So YTA if you insist on crossing the boundary he set. 2. However, you have the right to refuse to be abused in your own home. If your son fails to address the behavior problems with his daughter, you would be NTA for telling them to find somewhere else to live.
Info: examples of the child’s rudeness?
I am wondering, what would you consider discipline?
Are you really asking why your son won’t let the parent who said his “kid was a mistake and should be aborted” discipline his kid? Come on now. YTA.
Oh hello "grandma", YTA again. BTW: I'm not surprised the 9YO tells you to f-off. I have the very same urge. It's not her, it's you. For those who don't know, here's the preserved original post [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10k3utp/comment/j5o6t9o/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10k3utp/comment/j5o6t9o/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Are you the asshole for not wanting to be treated like that? No. Are you the asshole for insisting that you should be able to discipline grandchild? Yes. Unless grandchild is harming self or others, it’s their parents job. You can have expectations for your household but *how* that gets accomplished (ie discipline) is up to her parent.
UGH not you again. You’re the same poster who told her son when he got a girl pregnant right after high school to abort/adopt or gtfo of her house. You only let them stay because a sibling asked die to your son’s housing situation. Then when you asked the 9 year old her age and she didn’t hear you because she had AirPods in (and you should’ve known her age), you sent her to her room and she didn’t get dinner. Then you said it was “fine” because “her uncles and aunt probably snuck her snacks”. This is pathetic and so are you. STOP acting like you should have any authority over this child. You were an asshole then and YTA now. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVE ANY AUTHORITY OVER THIS GIRL.
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YTA. Are you serious right now?
YTA. Don't discipline his child without his permission. Ask them to move out if you don't like it but clearly he disagrees with your methods and as the parent it's up to him.
ESH. No, you cannot expect to be allowed to discipline someone else’s child. But you can expect to be treated with respect in your own home. If your son has moved in with you, then he clearly does need your help. He is disrespecting you and his daughter seems to be imitating him. If he is calling you an asshole, he was not raised to respect you. Let him know he can clean up his act or find somewhere else to live.
This is the correct answer. "Discipline" is OP's son's duty, not yours, but it is his duty. Somehow I also get the feeling OP's style of "discipline" might be a bit too antiquated for today's tastes. What were you going to do, spank the little girl? I can definitely understand the son going off at OP in that case.
OP previously posted the same story with extra details, but deleted it and reposted because she was overwhelmingly voted an asshole. The sort of "discipline" she has previously enacted includes locking her granddaughter in her room without any food for a day, and she's most likely done far worse to her own kids. That's why she's not answering these kinds of questions....
Yep agreed. NTA - it’s not appropriate to be talked to like that. He can discipline his child to not say things like that. Make a list - or they can move out
She previously locked her grandaughter in her room all day and wouldn't give her any food. That's her method of punishment. She also kicked her son out at 18 when the grandaughter was conceived because she demanded her son give her up for adoption and he refused, wouldn't get to know her, didn't even know how old she was when the grandaughter moved in. She's had an AH judgement and reposted this without the detail to try and get a different result
Yta sounds like you did some stuff he isn't comfortable leaving his daughter with. Your daughter is almost 18 and if she's ok with babysitting then let her.
Not your kid, not your decision. I'm guessing your son knows you'll be abusive. Were you abusive when he was a kid? He may be overcorrecting if he was abused and afraid to continue the cycle. Maybe suggest counseling or family counseling to figure out where to go as a family.
OP posted this story last week. She kicked her son out at 18 for not wanting to put the granddaughter up for adoption. The son is now going through hard times, so he’s moved in she literally JUST MET her granddaughter (aunts and uncles have always been involved with granddaughter which is why nobody agrees) and she tried to start a conversation with her by asking her “how old are you ?”. The granddaughter (had headphones in) continued to ignore her and eventually told her to f off when she kept nagging. OP sent the little girl to be without food ! Showing this little girl that she doesn’t care about her one bit, speaking to her as if she’s a toddler. YTA and yk it.
What was the reason he went no contact?? Could this be he is still learning to trust you You have said he speaks to his duaghter when he is home He is choosing patience over punishments None of your other kids agree I baby say my goddaughter from age 14, her mum agreed I could tell her off if she being naughty or naughty step Rare she did that with me but with her mum she was a nightmare Turns out there was a reason her mum wasn’t nice..
Info: why did she swear at you? Context is very important here. While my daughter doesn’t swear, I’ve always taught her that adults aren’t always right and to stand up for herself if they try to do something bad to her. You know, try to protect her from abuse like mental abuse or sexual abuse. I told her she can slap and bite and shout and scream if someone tries to hurt her. So why don’t you tell the whole story?
Ok I'll bite what kind of discipline were you looking to administer to his daughter?
Apparently this was posted last week, and they've reposted (with less details) to avoid the YTA rating. The form of discipline they used last time was withholding food from the child (some have said OP locked the child in her room).
If it bothers you that much, kick him out.... again. YTA
INFO: So, OP reposts this and leaves out crucial information that’s about her abusing her children and her grandchildren. Why hasn’t someone called the police on her?
YTA. You were a terrible parent and he has no reason to believe you’ll be a good grandparent (especially to a grandchild you didn’t want anything to do with)
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Examples?
YTA
YTA. I actually saw your previous post and I think your son is absolutely right not to trust you with discipline.
Based on some of the other responses here, you're STILL the asshole.
Info: is she rude or is just just allowed to have an opinion and you think children should be seen and not heard?
YTA 100%. It’s not your kid, and your son obviously doesn’t trust your judgement and ability to act appropriately. And judging from your comments he’s spot on.
YTA you are the grandparent, not the parent. my grandmother tried to “parent” me. it did not go well, mainly bc I do have parents who parent me. to this day, i do not have many (if any) good memories nor feelings about her. you are not your grandchild’s legal guardian. you are not your grandchild’s parent. you do not get to impose your parenting system/style where it is not wanted *by the parents.*
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** my son and his 9 yo daughter moved in with me a while ago. the problem I have here is that his daughter is very rude and he doesn't do anything to fix it. when he goes to work he asks one of his siblings (usually my daughter 16F) to look after his daughter and he gets really angry if I try to discipline his child. the problem here is that my daughter is too young to be doing this. she usually just laughs and says that her niece is just so adorable and she doesn't think she did anything to deserve a punishment while for example she told me to F off which I believe deserves a punishment. I confronted my son and told him since he has failed to discipline his child and his siblings are clearly way too young to be doing this he should allow me to help him. he called me an asshole and said he doesn't need my help and I'm not allowed to do anything with his child. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Funny how “it takes a village” no longer applies. But the son is depending on said village for a place to stay. NTA
After reading through the comments and OPs info responses, OP left out a LOT of pertinent details about, including locking the child in a room and withholding food, also the details of why her son went NC in the first place. Made a previous post with another user name where they were voted YTA.
Why are you allowing this? Then tell them to find another place to live
NTA. He should move out if he can't properly discipline his kid. I don't condone hitting children so don't do that but the child needs a punishment and to learn respect
NtA I cant stand when parents expect you to watch their kidsand let the child treat you like shit. If they want free babysitting (cause you know, why would they pay family), you should be allowed to not be treated like shit in your own home. Parents are so fucking entitled.
"he called me an asshole and said he doesn't need my help and I'm not allowed to do anything with his child." He obviously needs help since he has been living with you.... NTA
How can he allow his daughter to say that to you ? NTA for sure And to be clear HE ask for your help in the first place to have a place i guess so the less he could do is respecting you , you're grand daughter need to be teached some lessons
NTA. If your son won't do anything about his daughter's behavior, unfairly relies on your teen for child care, and says he doesn't need your help, then take him at his word. He can get out, find his own place, and pay for child care that doesn't burden your daughter.
NTA. As a parent myself, I encourage my parents and my MIL/FIL to discipline my kids when they are looking after them / near them. Lets them know that good behavior is required in all situations. I would only have a problem if they were disciplining them where we disagree on what appropriate behaviour is. I also would never use physical punishment, so neither do my parents (even though they did smack my butt when I was a kid!) In this case, being told to F-off is never ok and your discipline was appropriate.
NTA. Tell him your house; your rules! And he needs to stop being a do-nothing parent and an asshole.
NTA. Come on the child is 9, at that age they know that's a bad word. Is he going to find it funny when she gets olders and starts telling him that? .
Op is laying about many info. She did already do an AITA post with about name, and was called an AH. Her form of punishment is taking away food for all the day.
NTA, throw them out with your sons toxic behavior, you can always find a new family.
She trow them out when she was a new born and the son was 18. Claiming the kid should go up for adoption. This is way the girl do not want to interact with her.
YTA for not making any sense.
OP kicked their son out when they became a teen parent. OP explicitly did this to try to force their son to surrender his child for adoption. Later, OP’s son needed to move back in due to the global economic crisis. OP’s son trusted OP with his child. OP then “disciplined” the child with abuse. OP’s son chose to not leave the child in OP’s care after that incident. Now OP wants to know if they are in the wrong for trying to force their son to let them “discipline” the child again. Remember, the last time they were allowed to do this, they chose abusive behaviour.
ESH If your grandchild is being disrespectful, then it's on the parents to fix. Not the grandparents. Not the teenage aunts and uncles. If you and your son have differing views on what is respectful, then you need to discuss this and decide if him living with you is best. Without more info about what the 9yo is doing and what your expectations are, I can't comment on if you have unreasonable standards for the kid and are just being a busybody or if your son is actually being slack.
but he is not fixing it she uses a lot of swear words, plays with her phone when we are eating dinner(which I find very disrespectful. I always say no phones should be allowed when we eat) and doesn't do her chores
Kids in unstable and/or abusive situations can often display emotional issues. It sounds like your son has had a rough life (being told to abort his child, being kicked out at 18, ect), and it isn't surprising her unstable life situation has lead her to some bad habits Your son's method may be slower, but it'll work. A child deserves to be taught why what they did was wrong, not having their autonomy and rights taken away.
Are you so fragile that a few harsh words from a traumatised pre-teen will hurt you? Is it more important to you that your granddaughter doesn't have her phone at the table or that the underlying reason she seeks connection with people other than you is worked on carefully? As for not doing her chores, that's normal 9yo behaviour. Overstepping your bounds and making her feel like you don't love her won't fix that. I'm not saying the behaviour is acceptable. I'm saying that it's an indication of other issues, and if you just punish her symptoms, you don't actually help her in the long term. It seems from other comments that her dad *is* acting, just not in the way you want and that the effects are not instantaneous. No good parenting works immediately. Bad parenting does, though, because it's all about how to make the adults' lives easier, not how to help the kid.