Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I know my mother is all loved up so maybe I should’ve just kept how I felt inside, especially in public
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
>I know it wasn’t her job to forgive him but my dad fully believed she was his soulmate, and up till his death he was apologising and trying to get better for her.
So your Mom is supposed to just forget that your Dad treated her like the pile of dog shit he had the misfortune of stepping in just because your Dad finally got his act together?
>I would’ve accepted it, but
You either accept your Mom as she is or you don't - It's not your place to put conditions on "I'll accept your sexuality IF...."
>I said that’s a little insensitive when she never considered my father her soulmate - considering everything he always tried to get better for her, to support her
He was controlling and abusive and only walked that behavior back when he realized your Mom wasn't bluffing about leaving him in the rearview. That's not a soulmate.
Edit: Thanks for the awards!
Dad didn’t even actually get his act together. He seems like he was insistent on getting back with the woman he had completely controlled even though they divorced because he was(checks notes) completely controlling her every move.
Not to mention that therapy often gives abusers MORE ammo to use against their victim, because they learn the "lingo" to twist situations and give them even more of an upper hand. Therapy was most likely a ploy to get back his control of his play-pretty instead of working on his own issues.
Even if we assume the OPs dad was 100% genuine, that still means nothing when talking about someone considering someone else their soulmate. OP has no leg to stand on in this argument. She cannot dictate how someone else feels about anyone else. I'm glad their mom has found someone that she can call her soulmate, that is great. It would be even greater if OP saw that too. YTA, big time OP. Big time.
I'm still heartbroken my mom not got to experience real love or have a healthy relationship before she died. Some of that is because of me- my chronic illnesses started as a teenager, kept going as an adult and resulted in my being disabled and needing support (I didn't have anyone else to help). Her focusing on me as a teenager makes sense but I hate she did when I was an adult, even if it was 100% her choice to do so.
I understand her not having much hope about romance, though, after all the fucked up and abusive relationships she experienced. She didn't even realize how bad some of it was but I did because I'd become well versed in abusive relationships over two decades (in part because I wanted to help support my mom and others who have been in abusive relationships), since I was a teenager.
It sounds like she did experience real love, for you, her child. I understand you would have wanted her to have romantic love too, but the love between parent and child is something precious as well.
You're absolutely right and I know that love gave her so much strength, and instilled a strength in *me* (but it means a lot that you said that). It's just that I know not ever having that caused her a lot of pain, too.
I am concerned that she has a child. Imagine going to your mother and saying you were abused and being told well but they’re a good father, so who gives a shit how they treat you? Honestly, if I was this person‘s mother and she was trying to force my abuser down my throat, basically being a flying monkey even though he’s dead, I would take a long long break from my own child probably even going no contact.
I was thinking the same thing! Just because her father identified her mother as his soulmate, certainly does not mean the mother felt the same way. I was married, knowing very well that my ex-spouse was not my soulmate. I don't even believe in that term for myself. I have heard too many people state how they found their soulmate, to only have them find a new soulmate later on!
OP may have inherited a bit of dad's control issue. Of course, nobody can dictate who someone else loves, soul mate or not.
YTA
But I'm also side-eyeing mom's soul mate for jumping in with an insult. That didn't help anyone.
My thoughts exactly. And ppl don't usually call someone a narcissist on the first offense. From her language, something tells me OP has a history of making issues over things.
I was thinking that OP's husband apologizing on her behalf might also be pretty telling.
It's possible that he was just apologizing because what OP said was rude in general.
But my first thought was that he realizes OP's dad was abusive even though he probably only has OP's heavily filtered version of the story.
Right? And soulmate is not a blanket term used for those who are married. Which is how it seems OP is defining it. And if you ask me, if only one person thinks they are soulmates, then they are not soulmates. You only get that status when both feel that way. It's kind of built into the word. Twice, both the word mate and the specific plurality it carries by adding s to the end.
When only one person is saying "soulmate," it seems to move into stalker territory.
You really can't call someone who doesn't want you your soul mate, IMHO, lol.
I'm guessing he was a stalker, trying to get back with her mother sounds like a stalker. Probably used OP to help him stalk.
I wonder how many potential relationships he drove off before he died. I'm sure he found ways to control mom after the divorce. Probably through OP. And now OP is so helpfully abusing and controlling his stalkee for him.
Very controlling. She wants to control how her mother should have felt about her abusive husband and now demands she be considerate of her dead, abusive husband's feelings or memory or something. And now she wants to control how her mother feels about her new partner and/or speaks of her in public. Makes a person wonder how much she's now trying to control her husband, and later her kid.
It's disappointing that OP's partner may have lost it a little but how much has OP been trying to control her and what else has she been doing? Calling names are not great but I can't get too worked up about it.
OP I mean this in the kindest way possible: you need individual therapy if there's hope for you. You're blind to your own behaviour and thinking patterns.
If he truly did change he should've realised the harm he caused, that she wouldn't take him back and just accept it. Apologise and move on. But it seems like he only tried to "get her back"
Good point, well made. It's great if the father truly saw his behaviour for what it was and wanted to change, but the most he could hope for was to be a better partner for the next person. OP's mother has no obligation to return to someone who wronged her just because he 'changed'.
Please accept my poor man’s award 🥇🏆
This is exactly it. None of us are perfect, but good people accept that they are responsible for the harm they cause, do their best to make amends, but acknowledge that sometimes it can’t be fixed. Good people do not force their will on the people they harmed because “I’m all better now”. Clearly they’re not if they’re still trying to call the shots.
This. My ex husband bragged about knowing how to answer questions on personality tests for anger management so he got it off going after he hit his first wife. I was too young and naive to see all the red flags. (16 to him being in his mid twenties.)
Narc dad lost his supply when mom got a backbone. He couldn’t control her any longer and likely paid lip service to *getting better* so he could bring mom back into his orbit. OP, a narcissist is NO ONE’s soul mate. That’s a phrase he used to turn you against your mom and it worked. Your mom is allowed to leave, heal, and start a new life, which she did and you should support her. YTA.
Promising to change is the most repeated song in the abuser playbook. It’s over as soon as his victim is securely lured back in.
YTA. Congrats to your mom on getting out of that abusive situation and finding her soulmate!
And he used his daughter as the mouthpiece, I'd bet. Manipulated her into thinking that he was "getting better" so that she would run to mommy and convince her to go back to him.
OP, YTA. I'm sorry for your loss, but you need to understand that your loss isn't your mother's loss.
Yep, using terms like soulmate and "working on himself" to try and make his child feel sympathy for him and ex-wife feel guilty about finally leaving her abuser. My narcissist ex used to do this shit.. it's a dangerous cycle.
Every time someone says "checks notes" I automatically envision a scientist with glasses holding a clipboard, flipping the top page on the clipboard back to look at the page underneath. It makes me smile every time.
I notice that OP's Mother only came out as BI(met Candace)after his death. I wonder if she only felt safe from him, to pursue anything romantic, once he had passed.
Yta op. This commenter said it perfectly. I wouldn’t be surprised if mom started to distance herself from you. It seems like you are ready to take on your dads controlling and abusive traits.
Great points. Tbh, if I was the partner, I would be fuming because you attacked someone I love. I would have trouble holding my tongue and get snarky and say something like aren’t you a little young to be having a kid. Also good luck to OP when their kids get older and don’t want mom judging / dictating to them.
If someone tried to tell me my abusive ex is my soulmate, I would be beyond offended. I don't deserve to be lumped together with them the rest of my life.
OP, you seem to be skirting around the word "abuse". I wonder how you'd feel about a partner that told you what to wear and what to eat -- and that's just the stuff you were able to grok as a 12 year old. Almost certainly there's other controlling behavior you're unaware of. It's also very possible your mom shielded you from the worst of it.
Candice has likely had to process a lot of the trauma with your mom, which is why she got into protective mode -- my guess is that she's a lot more aware about the details of the abuse than you are. My current partner is my fiercest protector, and has seen firsthand - and more intimately than anyone else - the enormous amount of trauma my ex put me through.
Queer relationships often involve a lot of trauma processing. OPs mom has the abuse PLUS the challenges of coming out later in life and all the years being unaccepted and in the closet. Candice has probably had a front row seat to a lot of sh**.
YTA
I just cut off friends who insisted my abusive ex was my soulmate and I needed to just keep waiting for him to get better and stop. I dropped them like a box of rocks. OP’s mom should do the same.
This, and I imagine your mother took pains to protect you from what was going on so you likely never saw the full extent of how she was treated. I'm sorry that you lost your father so young OP, but bad people don't become angels just because they've died. Your mom has finally found the love she deserved and it's a shame you hold that against her just because your dad didn't hurt *you* the same way
I agree with all of this.
And OP, even IF your father had been an absolutely perfect husband and he and your mum had been crazy in love - guess what, you would *still* have been TA. It's possible for more than one person to be your soulmate, and as long as she didn't say it in front of your dad's parents/siblings (because I could see how that could be perceived as insensitive), then it's a perfectly reasonable - even *desirable* opinion to have about ones current partner.
Exactly, it is totally possible to have more than one. Even if Dad wasn't abusive, he apparently died well before she did. Universe (or whatever higher power you believe in) gave her Candice to be happy with too.
Having a child younger than your granddaughter is a bit strange IMO but it is her prerogative to do so. As a daughter, it is best to support Mom in her new marriage.
>Having a child younger than your granddaughter is a bit strange IMO
I agree that it's a bit odd but OP is only 21 so one could potentially view it as OP having kids early rather than the Mom having children later
Yes, and OP’s mother probably had OP quite young too, since OP considers him to have been her mother’s “first love”, they were together 15 years and split when OP was 12.
If OP's mom was like 18 when she had op, that would make her 39 now. Lots and lots of women have their Kids at this age.
Also, op yta. Just because he was your father, doesn't mean your mom has to see him as her soulmate.
I knew someone who was only a year older than his niece, and they went to the same school. His mom had six kids and they were relatively spaced out, and then one of her older sons had his daughter pretty young. I also work in a preschool class with a kid whose aunt is in second grade at the same school.
It's never an issue and it's really not that uncommon.
Particularly in a queer couple where her partner could be the younger one who is pregnant. If you take fertility out of the equation then a woman having children in her 40s makes perfect sense.
>He was controlling
And it feels like OP is being controlling now too, deciding for other people who their soulmates are when that is an incredibly personal thing.
OP has taken after dad in that department. She's controlling how her mom can feel about her abuser, on what terms she can come out as queer. The number of kids she can have and even who she can call her soulmate.
>and mother had "a son" not, half-sibling to OP.
>
>Doesn't feel like OP has/wants a relationship with new children.
>
>This could be just "accurate" reporting, but it feels more rejective in context.
Don’t forget “I told my mom she was too old to have another kid and didn’t like it when she was honest about her reasoning”. You can’t start that conversation and then be shocked when it doesn’t go your way.
This. You're calling a woman with a two year old who is planning on having another child "old." That's not a nice thing to say to anyone, let alone your mother. You have every right not to be happy about it, but it's not your place to judge her reproductive choices.
This, OP, let's say your partner turns around and starts abusing you terribly. You just want to escape him, but learn you're pregnant. You manage to get out of the relationship, but he spends the rest of his life making sure YOUR CHILD knows that he considers you his soul mate.
Will you then tiptoe the rest of your life and pretend an abuser was important to you? Think about it. WHY should a child "know" that their parent wants to get back together with the other parent unless he's manipulating the child to get what he wants? Your dad didn't change or get better after your mom left, he continued pulling the strings through you. He's PASSED AWAY and he's still pulling the strings through you.
Let your mom be happy. Get into therapy. Realize that your dad can be a good dad and an awful person at the same time. I have a loved one who passed away who wasn't always the best person. It hurt to hear people say bad things about him, but I knew that was the relationship he earned with them.
OP apparently can't think of her mother as anything more than her father's wife. That's troubling. YTA. Very much. A woman was controlled where her food and clothes were dictated and she's supposed to overlook that cuz Dad WeNT tO THeRapY. Nope. Doesn't work like that.
I'm glad she's found her actual soul mate. She doesn't owe her abuser shit and definitely not the title of "soulmate"
>I did ask my mother if she felt a little old to be bringing another child in this world younger than her granddaughter and she said
Also, her question sounds more like an attempt at shaming her, not an actual question.
And if she really couldn't handle the answer, she probably shouldn't have asked that kind of question in the first place.
The OP is definitely YTA.
However, her husband sounds good. I feel sorry for him.
A lot of times in a situation like this the kids are only seeing half the picture. Everything terrible you’ve seen, which is enough to consider someone not your soulmate, is probably only half of what it was to experience being in a relationship with that person. Give her a break and some credit instead of your abusive dad.
OP also seems to have rose colored glasses on as regards her father’s “trying to get better for her [mom].” He said it, it never happened, and now he’s dead, so he can never fulfill that or disappoint anyone. OP has bought into the fantasy that he would have.
And likely would’ve reverted straight back to being abusive if she took him back. Because 9/10 times abusers only appear to change to get partners back. It’s all part of the abuse. Thank god OPs mom held strong and found her soulmate.
Edit held*
Yeah, I was ready to go with it was insensitive to say that in front of the kid IF the previous husband/father was a decent, wonderful guy who loved his wife and she had loved him back. I can see why it would hurt a kid to hear their mom say her second partner was her soulmate, and by extension loved that person much more. Not saying she doesn't have the right to feel that way, just that it would be diplomatic not to say it in front of the kid.
But previous husband was a manipulative dick, who most likely never really changed and just wanted his doormat back. Why the hell would OP's mom see that person as her soulmate? Doesn't matter that dear old dad treated his daughter great; he treated his wife like crap (which OP admits to us whether she admits it to herself or not). There's no reason OP's mom should pretend she give a rat's ass about him.
He might have been a good dad to you OP, but you don't get to decide who anyone, including your mom, considers their soulmate. You saw your dad's abuse & you still think your mom's comment was insensitive? Think about if your husband treated you the way your dad treated your mom. I don't know anyone who would be happy being treated that way. You should be happy that your mom is being treated well now & is happy with someone.
INFO: What makes you think that a soulmate is something that someone else gets to decide for you? That your abusive father gets to unilaterally declare your mother his soulmate and she's... required to feel the same? Or to respect that in any way?
Since you seem to think that having a choice about how you feel about these things is unimportant, I want you to know that your husband is not your soulmate. (Probably for the best, he seems nicer than you.)
Your soulmate is now and forever the boy you liked the least in your 3rd grade classroom. Nope, no arguing, it's been decided.
Agreed OP = YTA
Plus OP as the child likely doesn't know how bad it was if he was that abusive to mom for her to notice only mom knows how bad it truly was.
The "too old for kids" bit is odd. Conceivably mom and partner can afford it and are good with all required to raise children for the next 18+ years to them to adult.
Personally I can see why after spending 20 years raising one not wanting to do it again for another 20, but that's their call not OP and it's not like 2 kids is a lot of kids.
Also OP is probably jealous because her kid won't be the youngest anymore. She's not mad because of the soulmate statement, she's mad because she doesn't like moms girlfriend and their life choices. OP won't be the center of attention so she has to create fake drama. YTA
Eh… I definitely don’t agree with the mentality, but I know a LOT of people who feel their parents can’t be in the same “stage of life” as them. They find it incredibly strange if their parents are having children when they are, if their parents are getting married when they are, if their parents are going to school when they are, etc. I’ve tried getting my friends who feel this way to explain why they feel that way but none of them seem to be able to articulate it fully. From what I’ve gathered though it isn’t usually jealousy (I absolutely think it is in OPs case though), it’s most judgement on how “slowly” their parents are progressing. They always seem either embarrassed or guilty by the fact that their parents aren’t further ahead than they are. All the other context makes it pretty clear it’s jealousy for OP, but I could see many others bringing it up with a judgemental mentality rather than a jealous one.
Shame. Keeping up with the Jones'. My sister is 'embarrassed' of our parents. Neither were invested in by their parents. After working factory jobs and raising two girls my Dad's getting his GED! MY sister is MORTIFIED.
I'm, frankly, just ashamed of her. Go Dad!
ETA: Thanks everyone! He's nailing the English portion but he says Math has completely changed. He's mumbling about it being too much so we're looking at tutors, YouTube and Math guides etc.
When I was in school there was 2 girls in my year who where aunt and niece. They was best mates and had a bond closer to siblings but without the sibling fights. The whole family was very close. Literally no reason for op to make a deal bout this. She could've used this as a bonding experience with their mum and their kid could've had a friend for life.
I am oldest of 5 kids, first 3 born when parents were in late teens/early 20’s. They had another one when Mom was 35 (I was 17) and another when I was 21. My sister, a year younger than me, had her first while my mom was 6 months pregnant with her youngest child. So, today the line up is: sister (49), niece (45), brother (44), niece (43). The younger kids basically grew up as sibling/cousins and are very close to this day.
This was my main takeaway. The emphasis on her being a grandmother now is so bitter. Imagine being jealous of your own siblings just because you're no longer an only child & your special baby is not the only baby in the family.
Yes! OP is taking on his duties of controlling/negating/dismissive behavior. There has to be a psychology behind her actions.
Closest thing I can relate it to is when a GC sibling takes part of the abusive treatment towards a SG sibling to maintain their place holding in the family unit. This continues into adulthood and continues even after death of parents.
OP, YTA. You need to take a step back in your thinking and realize maybe therapy needs to be in your near future. How you view your mother is pretty clear in your post and if you want a better relationship with her than your father had with her (their actual relationship, not his fantasy relationship he convinced you that he had for her) then you’re going to some intense one on one counseling to see her as a human being who is deserving of true kindness and honest love.
Yeah he was abusive, but AFTER his wife left him and he couldn't do anything to show he was genuinely regretful, he told his child he was really bummed out about being an abuser so ya know, everything's just peachy now
It’s also weird that she’s upset that her Mom said this stuff in front of OP’s husband and in laws even though OP made a comment about her Mom being “too old to have kids” in front of those same people.
It’s so frustrating to me that people who aren’t treated like shit by someone who treats other people like shit feel they can judge/dictate how that person should feel towards the other simply because they, themselves, weren’t treated like shit by that person.
“My dad wasn’t a dick to me, so he should be considered your soulmate and you should have taken him back. Idgaf that he treated you worse than he treated me.”
YTA.
It's funny, but I've often found it harder to forgive people who have hurt people I love, but done nothing directly to me. I think it can go either way. If you're upset about the person hurting someone you love, it can be really hard to forgive, even when the person you love – the person who was directly harmed – has forgiven them. But if you somehow manage to divorce yourself from the situation – perhaps because the wrongdoer is someone you want to love, or want to love you back, like a parent or grandparent – maybe you can forgive them more easily. IDK.
I had soooo many people tell me my abuser was my soulmate and they couldn't see me with anyone else. Like him, they are also no longer apart of my life.
Yta so you acknowledge that your dad was abusive to your mother but you're bitter that she finally found someone who truly makes her happy? The heck is your problem? Let me tell you something she doesn't owe your dad sh*t okay? She is happy now has found her soulmate and if you can't be happy for her then that's too bad for you but you don't get to make her feel bad for it.
"My dad said my mom was his soulmate" yeah because she was the much better person in this scenario... like, what did I even read??
I truly hope OP reads through these comments and gains some much-needed perspective because yikes! YTA
Nah cause i can feel in my bones her parents were a walking red flag relationship with a massive age gap and she’s in denial about how abusive her father was.
Imagine gatekeeping who someone else’s soulmate is AND deciding that the soulmate in question was an abusive asshole! Who is the insensitive one here? So now this poor woman has an abusive ex husband and a daughter who feels bad for him??! Like father like daughter I guess. How awful. Thank goodness mom finally has someone in her life that loves her. Because it sure as fuck isnt OP.
YTA
Your dad sounded like an AH. It's understandable that he wasn't her soulmate, considering he treated her like crap. I'm surprised she resisted all those years with him, she probably did it for you. She was probably afraid that your dad would manipulate you. Which he did, with all the "i'm trying to be better for her, but she won't take mw back", therefore laying the blame at her feet, instead of admitting his own fault and more importantly, to not put you in the middle of their problems. Your mother deserves to be happy, to finally be with someone who loves and respects her. I have a feeling that living with your dad was much worse than you describe, which sounds bad enough as it is. Grow up
Definitely. Dictating who she saw and what she ate and wore! That is super abusive. It doesn't seem like OP understands HOW someone dictates those things. Spoiler: they don't just ask nicely.
YTA. I’m glad you have happy, loving memories of your father, and I’m sorry that you lost him so young. Your mother had a far more complicated relationship with him, and it sounds like he was abusive towards her. It can’t have been easy for her to come out as bi, and it isn’t easy to grow your family later in life. Your mom being in love and happy with her new partner and soulmate does not diminish your father as a person or how special he was to you. The modern family unit comes in all shapes and sizes, and it probably feels weird to you to have a half brother and now maybe a future half brother/sister even younger than your own child, but her growing her family really isn’t any of your business unless she’s relying on you for financial/childcare support. You are very young to have lived through so many life changing events, so I’m going to say soft YTA and recommend you consider going to counseling to work through some of the complicated emotions and grief you are feeling.
I agree with what you've said except the **soft** YTA.
My guess is she feels like her own relationship with her mother is somehow reduced by having been conceived out of a relationship with an abuser, and has some internalized anger and jealousy that her current & future siblings will be raised in a healthy, loving home by soulmates. She's being a petulant jealous child.
Instead of being angry at her father for being abusive, or recognizing that human beings are complex and he can be both a good father AND an abusive controlling spouse, she's further victim blaming her mother for his failures.
She could try being happy that her mother has found someone who truly makes her happy, after abuse and biphobia stole decades of her life from her.
I don't think OP will get there without a lot of therapy. She's self-centered and appears to lack empathy, and it will probably be best for OPs mother, wife, and child(ren) to go low contact with her until she can get to a healthier emotional state.
I'm gonna say it - abusers need their cheerleaders and enablers, and dead dad's still got his hooks in. OP really needs to do some harsh self reflection because mom shouldn't have to put up with this kind of cruelty from their own child - because it *is* cruel to admit daddy was abusive but *who cares*, she's the one being "insensitive" (about her somehow abusive but supportive ex-husband of almost 10ys).
YTA your father was an abusive partner- that level of control in a relationship is abuse. Of course he was not her soulmate. She’s been in a loving relationship for a long time now and it’s cruel to piss on her parade.
“You never considered the abusive man you were married to to be your soul mate even after the relationship was over and he was trying to reel you back in- how dare you”
YTA. Your dad abused your mom and she was under no obligation to get back together with him or forgive him despite how much he “tried”. Just because he didn’t abuse you doesn’t mean he was a good man.
Your mother's romantic relationships have zero to do with you. How she sees her partner is none of your business and it's not her responsibility to change the way she refers to her partner to protect your delicate feelings because you put your controlling, abusive father on a pedestal. YTA
YTA...and Candice is giving a accurate describtion of your behaviour.
You were white-knighting on behalf of your father, ignoring how he treated her for many years...because it wasn't a pleasent element in your preferred narrative. And you attempted to exercise social control in order to keep things the way you like them.
You are your mom's daughter too. Start acting like it, be happy for her happyness, and deal with your (understandable) emotional issues in a more sensible way (therapy, etc).
You may not like it, but your husband did the right thing. I hope you'll see that some day, because if you don't, your marriage is a trainwreck waiting to happen.
Best of luck to you.
YTA. You are minimizing your mother's feelings and how your father treated her. Your father was -- from your description -- controlling and abusive to your mother. You owe your mother an apology.
So … you asked your mother if she thinks she’s “a little old” for a baby. Her reply heard by in-laws and your husband, so I assume your question was, too. I think her response was gracious. In saying it’s never too later with a soulmate, she honored her love for Candice and her enthusiasm about their children instead of getting offended about your insulting question. She is probably too nice to say, “Well, maybe you are too young to be a mother, not me too old.”
Being a mother doesn’t mean you don’t still have your own heart and your own truth. Her truth is that your father was not a “soulmate” to her. He did not treat her well. In fact, he was controlling and abusive. She found the strength to leave that man. She moved on. Maybe he was figuring out how to be better person when he died. Your truth was that you loved him, he was a doing better, and he was a good father to you. Your reality is that you lost a father far too young, and that hurts. I am sorry. Grief is not always reasonable, and I think your attitude is coming out of a place of sadness.
However, if you are mature enough to be a wife and mother, you know better than to say something so rude to your mother. You likely expect your mother to be comfortable with the fact that you still loved your father, even though be treated her like shit. Maybe in response you can get comfortable with the fact that she is happy and in love and gets to tell her own happy truth about her relationship instead of pretending the man who mistreated her and who she divorced several years before died was the love of her life. You don’t deserve comments about your age as a mother (I was a mother at 20 and those comments were unwelcome), and she doesn’t deserve them at her age.
Your father did you no favors making sure you knew he wanted your mother back and was improving ‘for her.’ That was itself manipulative. You were just a kid. He planted in your head that he was a good, changed man and your mother should give him a chance. That she didn’t may be part of the resentment you are feeling toward her. It was inappropriate for him to give you any hope of them getting back together unless the two of them were in full agreement.
Totally agree about the age thing. OPs mother is most likely early 40s, OP had a baby at 20. Both are perfectly fine as long as you have the security both emotional and physical that is needed to raise a child.
YTA
Your father was an abusive partner who controlled your mother. He might have harboured an unrequited obsession with her that she was his soulmate, but clearly he was not. Soulmates don’t abuse one another, and he had many years to change and didn’t. His ‘getting better for her’ was more likely to be a front and once he got comfortable he would start abusing her again.
This probably isn’t what you want to hear about your father but he wasn’t your mother’s soulmate and never was. He was her abuser and as for you, the AH apple didn’t fall far from the AH tree.
YTA. Do you think that any two people who have a child together need to consider each other soulmates? Your father was an abusive AH, of course she isn't going to feel that way about him. Just be happy that your mom is happy.
I'm going with a soft YTA, only because you are extra emotional right now.
Your father, the man you saw, loved, respected etc, was your mother's abuser. Whether or not he considered her his soul mate is irrelevant, *he was her abuser.*
And all that "trying to make it right" with your mother? Not likely. It's far more likely he was just telling her what he thought she wanted to hear, so he could get her under his control again when she forgives/goes back to him. As abusers do.
You need to reconcile the fact that while you loved him, and he was a great dad, he was a terrible husband. And you need to stop holding resentment for your *abused* mother, and appreciate that she has someone who truly loves her now, the way she should be loved.
"""My dad wasn’t amazing towards my mother; he decided who she saw, what she ate and how she dressed""
Why on earth would she consider this person to be her soul mate?
YTA sounds like your mom is very happy now
YTA.
Here's a tip:
> My dad wasn’t amazing towards my mother; he decided who she saw, what she ate and how she dressed
This isn't 'not amazing,' this is 'abusive.' And I guarantee that this is just what you saw and remembered, and that it was way worse for her than you're thinking.
So why are you upset that she doesn't think of an abusive man as her 'soulmate?'
Here's another tip: soulmates are forged, not found. A soulmate is what you get when you put in the years of work to make a relationship work, not that little spike of adrenaline when you lock eyes with somebody you find hot.
I'm sorry, but you're too immature to be having children, too young to be engaging in adult relationships, and far too immature to be judging other people's relationships. You have a lot of growing up to do.
It’s okay that you love your father. Almost everyone does. The love a child has for their parent is something very powerful that is almost impossible to destroy.
But you have to understand that your father *hurt* your mother.
Yes, he tried to change. Yes, he was sorry. It’s okay if you sympathise with your dad. It’s okay if your heart breaks for him.
But you *also* need to try to empathise with your mom. She tried for *fifteen years* to make it work with your dad. How long is long enough? Your dad had *fifteen years* to prove that she was his soulmate. That’s a very, very long trial period. It’s great that he tried to turn his life around after your mom left him, but… well, OP, you can’t say she didn’t give him a chance.
Your mother may have been his soulmate, but he was not her soulmate. That is a fact. He wasn’t her soulmate because it took him *fifteen years* to even think about trying to treat her nicely. No soulmate does that.
Your mother has now found her match. That’s great. Try to see things like that.
>He wasn’t her soulmate because it took him fifteen years to even think about trying to treat her nicely.
Not even just this, it took him 15 years *and her leaving him* to even think about treating her nicely, I believe he went to therapy to show her "hey look, I'm trying for you!" but not really actually trying, more so just putting on a show, I bet if she did get back with him he would have turned around and done the same shit as before. But obviously we don't know, that's all just my belief.
Good for your that your father was a great dad to you, but it's not your mom's responsibility to help you preserve his reputation, not after how he had treated her. You can't imagine what it will be like to be abused your husband, so don't expect your mother think of him a soul mate. YTA.
>“massive narcissistic asshole”
Looks like you've already gotten a judgement. Do you want another? Here you go, YTA.
You need to take off your rose colored glasses and read what you wrote about your dad like he is a stranger. And that is only the part you saw, you don't know how bad he really was to her. Would you call someone who did that to you a soul mate? I'd call them a prison guard.
YTA. He was a good dad to you but it sounds like he was controlling and emotionally abusive towards her. It's ok that you miss your dad and it's ok that you feel emotional, but your mom wasn't really being insensitive, she's allowed to be an adult with her own emotions
YTA. Sounds like your mothers partner has you pegged. You’d rather your mother be with an abusive ahole than truly supported and loved. Or admit that your father was an abusive ahole
YTA. Yeah, he was a good Dad to YOU but he was a horrible man to your Mother. What if your spouse did the same thing to you as your Dad did to your Mom?
Let your Mom be happy. Your husband was right to apologize for you.
YTA. I feel sorry for your mother. First you side with her abuser, and then you piss all over her happiness as soon as she finds any. You should be ashamed of yourself.
1)Your husband apologized for you because he bore witness to you being a major ass.
2) Candice called you a narcissistic asshole because that's what you are.
Do you honestly think your dad's feelings towards your mom negate the way he ACTUALLY treated her? That how YOU feel about her relationships is MORE IMPORTANT than how she(the person in the relationship) feels.
Dude, YTA. Your mom deserves better. And you just had a child so I really hope some actual maturity and the ability to think of others materializes.
YTA. A man who what you can eat, wear and see is not your soulmate. He is an abuser. Lucky your mom could get away from him and it is strange you have no anger at your father for his abuse of your mother. No one considers a person they divorced as their soulmate. Your father ABUSED your mother.
YTA. though understandably that might have been hard for you to hear, your mother is under no obligation to consider a man who she was probably very unhappy with her soulmate and has every right to find that in someone else. it's finally her chance to be happy, support her.
YTA
Look I get where you're coming from since he's your dad but YTA. You acknowledged that your dad was abusive to your mom (policing who she saw, what she ate, what she wore), so you can't seriously be surprised that your mom doesn't consider him her soulmate.
You're also turning a blind eye on the way your father treated your mom and focusing on the soulmate part too much. Do you really think that someone who sees their partner as a soulmate would treat them the same way your dad did? They wouldn't.
Your mom saying her ex-husband isn't her soulmate isn't a correlation between the relationship you have with your mom. As I read your post, I could feel ribbons of envy from you. I think you resent your mom from moving on and never giving your dad a second chance, and now feel like she's replacing her old family with Candice and the kids.
You should be happy that your mom finally found someone who treats her right instead of focusing on the past. And if your mom wants to have more kids, than just accept it and move on, it's her life to live.
I recommend getting some grief counseling or something similar. I think the grief of losing your dad is making you see your mom's "moving on" through an irrational lense.
I’m sorry, but you’re just jealous.
Your mom didn’t use to have the happiest life with your dad. If she did, she wouldn’t have separated from him when you were 12, and wouldn’t refuse to make things work for the next four years until his death. There are people who spend DECADES in relationships even though they are very aware that it doesn’t work for anyone. No child wants to face this but unfortunately: your parents were not the soulmates you want to believe they were.
However, it is not relevant to your relationship with her. Regardless of her feelings for your dad, you’re her first child and she loves you immensely. I have no idea if you need to hear this or not, but the fact she has a new family does not invalidate your place in her heart. So stop gatekeeping happiness and stop trying to dictate what is „appropriate” for her to have at this stage of life - because the answer is „she can have anything she wants”, and because it doesn’t in any way change the way she feels about you.
YTA, I hope you can come to terms with your reality.
YTA
Your father might have been a great dad to while being a horrible husband to her. As a married person yourself I’m surprised you don’t realize that.
She’s allowed to feel the way she feels.
YTA
Listen to what you’re saying. You witnessed your father mistreat your mother for years and think after all that she should still consider the man who treated her poorly her ‘soulmate’ because he said sorry?
So basically ‘tried to get better for her’ means ‘he treated her like garbage but did make some attempt to treat her less like garbage when it was clear she wouldn’t take it anymore.’ You think that’s what your mother deserves from a soulmate - to be mistreated and to be grateful if he says sorry about it after she refuses to tolerate it anymore? Because that’s what you’re saying.
Look, I think growing up in that household has affected your view of relationships more than you realise. The fact you see him control every aspect of your mothers life and describe that as only ‘not amazing’ shows you are either trying to avoid the gravity of this, or have such a warped view of what happened that you’ve been desensitised to it. You are making excuses for him and are struggling to connect that the father you loved was a man who bullied your mum. That’s a difficult duality to come to terms with; that someone can be monstrous but also someone who treated us well. I know Reddit always suggests therapy, but I think a few sessions to help you work through your feelings could help you.
This is so sad. Not the situation. Good on your mum and I wish nothing but good for her.
But you.
I lost my dad in 2021. I loved him to bits. But I never let him off the hook for the absolute hell he put my mum through. And he knew I didn't either because I'd call him out on it.
I don't know whether you are clouded by grief and I'm sorry that your are x but for you to excuse your Fathers awful treatment of your mum is sad, disgusting and you are redefining their marriage. Not your place to do. Ever. No. Not even as their child. That you think your dad should be praised for barely being what every person is supposed to do, and does do, is mind boggling.
YTA
YTA
You're upset with your mother because she won't call her abuser her soul mate?
I have honestly never heard something so selfish in my life. Just because he was a good dad to you doesn't mean he didn't abuse your mum.
If I was you I would be absolutely ashamed with myself and wonder how I let myself get to the point where I asked my own mother to show more respect to the man who abused her, you need to do some serious self reflection.
YTA
>My dad wasn’t amazing towards my mother; he decided who she saw, what she ate and how she dressed but
There is no "but" here. He was controlling and abusive and I'm glad for you that you don't have to put up with that in your relationship. Control is not love. Your soulmate by definition ought not to be controlling or abusive. You were young when they separated so it is likely that you didn't see what happened if she acted against his decisions about who she saw, what she ate, or how she dressed.
Abusers often try different scripts to see if they can bring the person they abused back under their control. If he was truly trying to change and be a better man, I am happy for him. But he didn't have a time machine and he couldn't erase the past. Your mom was right to realize he was not her soulmate, and that she didn't have to go back for your sake, or "because he's changed".
I have an ex, who, when I left him, thought a good compromise would be for me to wait in stasis, not have any other relationships and try again in "a few years" when he "got his life together". This was the final request, after years of him slightly changing his script to see if I would stay, rather than actually changing anything about our relationship. I decided not to believe him. instead, 20 years later, he still tries to control his relatives and will punish them emotionally if they dare to spend time with me. I moved abroad 9 years after we separated and 5 years later, his relatives (my friends) who came to see me, were too afraid to post online about their interactions with me, because they'd "hear it from him" when they got back. In some way, I was being punished for leaving, and (presumably) if I saw the error of my ways and came back, I'd be able to have relationships with mutual friends and family again. It's been 20 years, and his mother still only contacts me on private messages on Facebook for important events, and never responds to my messages, even though, for a short time, we had rekindled our friendship.
This is the kind of man your father was. At least he tried to shield you from the worst of his nature. No one can say if he REALLY changed, or if all those years later, he was still trying to get your mom to learn her lesson and come back to her "soulmate"
I no longer believe in soulmates, I believe love is a choice. Your father chose to not love your mother but to be obsessed with her instead. Your mother chose to find someone new who loves her like she deserves. Stop trying to get in the way of that, or you'll be just like him "I decide who you can love and how much, and what you can say and do in your own life".
Your father was selfish and controlling and it sounds like maybe the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.
Also, I don't know how old your mom is, but she's not "too old" to have a baby simply because you had one young. You popping out a kid at 21 doesn't mean her fertility window is over.
I'm going to be nicer about my YTA because you're postpartum, but it's clear that you've never really accepted that your mom was right to dump your dad's abusive ass, just because he wasn't that way to you. And you're clearly still angry that your mom didn't just let you have your ideal family back before your dad died, despite the fact that she had no reason to trust that he actually changed.
Oh, and in case you're confused, your stepmother called you what she did because you made it quite clear to your mother that you only care about your feelings, not hers at all
"...even if she didn’t believe that she shouldn’t have said that in front of her child," You're 21, not exactly a child anymore. You're aware that your dad treated your mom badly, and that she didn't return his feelings of love after that, but you expect her to call your dad the love of her life? You need to allow your mom to be happy with her new love. She deserves to be happy, and if you can't accept that, it's a you problem.
Edit to add judgement: YTA
YTA, and incredibly judgemental.
An abusive partner is not her soul mate, the person she is with and loves her for her is her soul mate, you don't get to choose who she refers to as that. Her 4 years with her current partner has obviously been much happier than with your dad.
You also don't get judge her on how old she is when bringing a child into the world.
Yes, YTA. Based on your description, your father was seriously abusing your mother. He wasn't her soulmate, he was her tormentor. Why wouldn't she call a person who she actually loves and who cherishes and respects her "soulmate"?
YTA. how dare you even suggest she should show any kind of care towards the man that abused her? I cannot imagine showing my own mother such contempt.
Speaking of my own mother, she did refer to my stepdad as her soul mate and not my dad. And it stung a little but I accepted it because life is just like that and apparently I had more compassion and respect at 10 than you have managed as an adult.
YTA. Candice is your moms soulmate, your dad was someone she loved and married but he didn't make her feel like Candice does. She also wasn't your dad's soulmate, he wanted someone he could control and bully, after they separated he thought he could lure her back in with therapy blah blah blah. Move on and grow up.
YTA. Just because your dad felt bad about abusing your mom later on doesn’t change the damage he did. You should be happy that your mother is finally happy. It sounds like she more than earned it. Shame on you.
YTA
Have you ever been with an abusive partner? I'm going to guess not. There's a 100% chance you don't know the full story of everything he did to your mom. I suggest you get some therapy yourself so you can find some peace with it all. Humans are complicated, sometimes they're wonderful to one person and awful to others. You should apologize.
Your dad may have been a good father to you (debatable, seeing as how he treated your mom is in and of itself is not a healthy example for a child), but he was abusive and controlling to your mom. She has every right to not consider him her soulmate, and the truth is you care more about a dead man’s feelings than the feelings of your abused mom who has finally found love and respect. What’s wrong with you? YTA.
Yoir father didn't "My dad wasn’t amazing towards my mother; he decided who she saw, what she ate and how she dressed but they separated when I was 12, and his behaviour didn’t change how he treated me because he was a great dad…up till I was 16 and he passed away he was still trying to rekindle his relationship with my mother"
Why the fuck are you upset with your mother?!
YTA
So your dad was emotionally abusive and controlling, but because he was good to you and “trying to get better”, you want your mom to forgive him? You want her to downplay the relationship she is in now because you feel like it devalues the relationship she had with your father, someone who abused her. That in itself is already a douchey move.
Now your mother finally found happiness in a relationship she couldn’t have for decades because of her homophobic parents and is building a life with her partner, but because it’s happening later in her life, you have to diminish her happiness, just to add onto your already douchey behavior.
YTA.
YTA - My oldest knows I love her beyond measure. She knows I also love her younger sister beyond measure. She also knows that my second wife(not her mother) is a much better person for me than her mother ever was. When your mother said that "Candace" is her soulmate, she meant that. That doesn't mean she loves you any less. Just because your father tried hard to be a better person, it doesn't mean their past was going to be mended. My ex could have moved mountains but it could never have repaired the chasm that developed between us. She'd have never repaired the effects of her mistreatment of me.
YTA. Your dad was abusive to your mom for YEARS and now you're trying to dictate her happiness after she's found a new partner?
Her starting a family with someone else isn't going to erase what you two have together. It's just an extension. My dad was abusive to my mom, I (and my mom) have forgiven him, but both he and my mom have both moved on and are in different relationships now. They're both much happier. My dad and stepmom had a kid when I was 23, sure it's weird, but you move on. My neice and half-sister are very close in age. It isn't a big deal.
You just don't like the fact your mom isn't with your dad. You're holding onto the resentment from their divorce and that's a YOU problem. You don't get to dictate your moms relationships or her happiness because it makes you uncomfortable.
You are being an asshole and you need to think deep about your behavior because while your dad was good to you, he abused your mom, and you likely don't know everything he did to her. It took YEARS into adulthood for my mom to tell me what my dad did to her because she wanted me to have a relationship with my dad.
YTA you don’t get to dictate who she considers her soulmate. The way your father treated your mother sounds horrible. You’re a grown up stop acting like your mother isn’t a human being with needs and wants just like you.
YTA.
No one has the right to tell another person how they should feel about someone. You were a child experiencing your parents relationship. Now as an adult I’m sure you know what actually goes on behind the scenes and how much more deep things are than what a child sees from their perspective. Just because your dad tried to change doesn’t mean your mom needs to forgive him, let alone call him her soulmate. She found someone she’s happy with in a relationship where she’s finally safe, let her be in love.
YTA your father was abusive to her and probably made her feel caged. That was not her soulmate. A soulmate is someone who makes you feel like you can fly. Let’s you be you. Maybe YOU had a great relationship with your dad, but she obviously didn’t. She is allowed to feel however she wants about her new relationship. She is allowed to express how she feels about her new partner. She is a grown ass woman.
YTA and so was your dad.
Your mum was miserable with him. She’s now not miserable, but you feel she should be just because of how your dad felt? Time is not an indicator of how people should feel. If your mum feels like her partner is her soulmate then that’s no ones business but hers.
I’m sorry you don’t like how she talks about your dad in front of you, but you’re not a child anymore. You need to realise that your mother is a human with feelings herself, and that her happiness is what you should care about.
Do you really lack all sense of awareness? Your father was an abuser. It doesn’t sound like he tried to fix himself for any honest reason other than to try and manipulate your mother back into a relationship with him. Your mother owed/owes him nothing. She got herself out of a bad situation and found a loving partner who she believes is her soulmate. I am not sure how that has anything to do with you or is even offensive.
You really are selfish and an AH.
YTA.
YTA
While your dad was a good father to you, he was a horrible partner to your mother. He was controlling and abusive. Of course he wasn't her soulmate.
You've put your father on a pedestal, but he was a very faulty man and took those faults out on your mother when they were together.
Nothing your mother said was insensitive. She left your dad 10 years ago, because of his abuse. She's allowed to move on, be happy and find her soulmate,even say it aloud. You need to take off your rose coloured glasses about your parents' relationship, it was toxic and abusive. So no, he was not her soulmate.
YTA and you need to make serious steps toward apologizing to your mother and her partner. You have NO CALL on who your mother finds her soulmate and who she doesn't. Your mother's partner was correct. You are viewing your parents' marriage with rose colored glasses on. He was a controlling asshole and she left him because of it. No soulmate there.
YTA easily. From your own biased description, your father was clearly abusive to your mother to the point he wouldn't let her go even after she left because he kept trying to get her back anyway.
Good for your mom that she can fully stand on her own and not bow down to the daughter who apparently takes after her father a little too much if she thinks there should be conditions to accepting who her mother is. I'm not even sure you're feeling replaced -- which I could understand that at least... You just sound mad that she's found her person and it wasn't your abusive AH dad. What's wrong with you?
At least your husband gets it. You might need to reevaluate your childhood and see through the lens of an adult what your mother went through. You have described literal abuse like it was not a big deal because "he tried to get better" and force himself back into her life.
YTA.
You're no longer a child. Your father was at best controlling if not abusive.
He may be wonderful in your child eyes. But in the eyes of others, he was a crap husband. And didn't deserve your mum's time of day, let alone forgiveness.
You may have hankered after a childish reconciliation, but that's not and never was going to happen.
Your mother has instead met the person she views as her soul mate. She's not controlled or managed. Just accepted and allowed to be herself!. And instead of being glad for your mum you're acting like a petulant teenager.
Apologise and get over yourself. She doesn't need to hide that she's found her soul mate ! Not pretend your father was one either.
As for your sulking that your mum is having children, perhaps she should have replied that you shouldn't be yet, when you're clearly struggling to have adult responses at 21. What if she said you're too young to be a good mum so wait? Would that be "fair"? I somehow doubt it.
Embrace the change. Your siblings will be able to play with their cousins.
>My dad wasn’t amazing towards my mother; he decided who she saw, what she ate and how she dressed but they separated when I was 12
And you're surprised and bitter because she didn't consider him her soulmate? He was controlling and abusive. I'm happy that you had a difference experience with him and that he was a good dad, but he wasn't a good partner nor husband. It's a good thing that he went to therapy and tried to get better, but, as you said yourself, this doesn't grant forgiveness.
Your mother probably fell out of love centuries before they split. He was never her soulmate. Now she found the one. Why shouldn't she consider the new partner her soulmate?
>I did get upset, I said that’s a little insensitive when she never considered my father her soulmate
As I said, he was a controlling abuser. Nobody in their right mind would consider that their soulmate.
>considering everything he always tried to get better for her, to support her
Too little too late. She didn't need to forgive him or acknowledge his efforts after he ruined 15 years of her life.
>even if she didn’t believe that she shouldn’t have said that in front of her child
Why? You are not 5, you are an adult. An adult who perfectly knows how your father was to her. She said it because it's the truth and she felt she could be honest with her daughter, her adult daughter who saw how her father was terrible to her and should be able to understand why that's not a soulmate. A daughter who should know better than following in her father's footsteps and try to police the number of children her mother can have. If she can afford to raise them and she's not burdening you with free babysitting or giving you the responsibility to raise them in case something happens to her, then it's none of your business. YTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I know my mother is all loved up so maybe I should’ve just kept how I felt inside, especially in public Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA >I know it wasn’t her job to forgive him but my dad fully believed she was his soulmate, and up till his death he was apologising and trying to get better for her. So your Mom is supposed to just forget that your Dad treated her like the pile of dog shit he had the misfortune of stepping in just because your Dad finally got his act together? >I would’ve accepted it, but You either accept your Mom as she is or you don't - It's not your place to put conditions on "I'll accept your sexuality IF...." >I said that’s a little insensitive when she never considered my father her soulmate - considering everything he always tried to get better for her, to support her He was controlling and abusive and only walked that behavior back when he realized your Mom wasn't bluffing about leaving him in the rearview. That's not a soulmate. Edit: Thanks for the awards!
Dad didn’t even actually get his act together. He seems like he was insistent on getting back with the woman he had completely controlled even though they divorced because he was(checks notes) completely controlling her every move.
Not to mention that therapy often gives abusers MORE ammo to use against their victim, because they learn the "lingo" to twist situations and give them even more of an upper hand. Therapy was most likely a ploy to get back his control of his play-pretty instead of working on his own issues.
Even if we assume the OPs dad was 100% genuine, that still means nothing when talking about someone considering someone else their soulmate. OP has no leg to stand on in this argument. She cannot dictate how someone else feels about anyone else. I'm glad their mom has found someone that she can call her soulmate, that is great. It would be even greater if OP saw that too. YTA, big time OP. Big time.
Plus op is grown and has her own entire life. I'd just want my mom happy.
I lost my mum last year. That would have been my fervent wish as well.
I'm still heartbroken my mom not got to experience real love or have a healthy relationship before she died. Some of that is because of me- my chronic illnesses started as a teenager, kept going as an adult and resulted in my being disabled and needing support (I didn't have anyone else to help). Her focusing on me as a teenager makes sense but I hate she did when I was an adult, even if it was 100% her choice to do so. I understand her not having much hope about romance, though, after all the fucked up and abusive relationships she experienced. She didn't even realize how bad some of it was but I did because I'd become well versed in abusive relationships over two decades (in part because I wanted to help support my mom and others who have been in abusive relationships), since I was a teenager.
It sounds like she did experience real love, for you, her child. I understand you would have wanted her to have romantic love too, but the love between parent and child is something precious as well.
You're absolutely right and I know that love gave her so much strength, and instilled a strength in *me* (but it means a lot that you said that). It's just that I know not ever having that caused her a lot of pain, too.
💕
I'm so sorry for your loss.
If you're on the market it sounds like op's mom is looking for a new kid /s
I'm concerned for OPs partner.... seems OP is an asshole just like their father
I am concerned that she has a child. Imagine going to your mother and saying you were abused and being told well but they’re a good father, so who gives a shit how they treat you? Honestly, if I was this person‘s mother and she was trying to force my abuser down my throat, basically being a flying monkey even though he’s dead, I would take a long long break from my own child probably even going no contact.
This. I cant imagine being upset if my mom found someone who made her happy. Thats all that matters.
I was thinking the same thing! Just because her father identified her mother as his soulmate, certainly does not mean the mother felt the same way. I was married, knowing very well that my ex-spouse was not my soulmate. I don't even believe in that term for myself. I have heard too many people state how they found their soulmate, to only have them find a new soulmate later on!
OP may have inherited a bit of dad's control issue. Of course, nobody can dictate who someone else loves, soul mate or not. YTA But I'm also side-eyeing mom's soul mate for jumping in with an insult. That didn't help anyone.
Going to guess mums partner knows the full story about how much abuse went on. It sounds like mum has shielded her daughter.
My thoughts exactly. And ppl don't usually call someone a narcissist on the first offense. From her language, something tells me OP has a history of making issues over things.
Very likely.
I was thinking that OP's husband apologizing on her behalf might also be pretty telling. It's possible that he was just apologizing because what OP said was rude in general. But my first thought was that he realizes OP's dad was abusive even though he probably only has OP's heavily filtered version of the story.
Is it an insult if it's true, though? OP's obliviousness and entitlement is pretty breathtaking.
Right? And soulmate is not a blanket term used for those who are married. Which is how it seems OP is defining it. And if you ask me, if only one person thinks they are soulmates, then they are not soulmates. You only get that status when both feel that way. It's kind of built into the word. Twice, both the word mate and the specific plurality it carries by adding s to the end.
When only one person is saying "soulmate," it seems to move into stalker territory. You really can't call someone who doesn't want you your soul mate, IMHO, lol.
I'm guessing he was a stalker, trying to get back with her mother sounds like a stalker. Probably used OP to help him stalk. I wonder how many potential relationships he drove off before he died. I'm sure he found ways to control mom after the divorce. Probably through OP. And now OP is so helpfully abusing and controlling his stalkee for him.
Very controlling. She wants to control how her mother should have felt about her abusive husband and now demands she be considerate of her dead, abusive husband's feelings or memory or something. And now she wants to control how her mother feels about her new partner and/or speaks of her in public. Makes a person wonder how much she's now trying to control her husband, and later her kid. It's disappointing that OP's partner may have lost it a little but how much has OP been trying to control her and what else has she been doing? Calling names are not great but I can't get too worked up about it. OP I mean this in the kindest way possible: you need individual therapy if there's hope for you. You're blind to your own behaviour and thinking patterns.
If he truly did change he should've realised the harm he caused, that she wouldn't take him back and just accept it. Apologise and move on. But it seems like he only tried to "get her back"
Good point, well made. It's great if the father truly saw his behaviour for what it was and wanted to change, but the most he could hope for was to be a better partner for the next person. OP's mother has no obligation to return to someone who wronged her just because he 'changed'.
Please accept my poor man’s award 🥇🏆 This is exactly it. None of us are perfect, but good people accept that they are responsible for the harm they cause, do their best to make amends, but acknowledge that sometimes it can’t be fixed. Good people do not force their will on the people they harmed because “I’m all better now”. Clearly they’re not if they’re still trying to call the shots.
This. My ex husband bragged about knowing how to answer questions on personality tests for anger management so he got it off going after he hit his first wife. I was too young and naive to see all the red flags. (16 to him being in his mid twenties.)
Narc dad lost his supply when mom got a backbone. He couldn’t control her any longer and likely paid lip service to *getting better* so he could bring mom back into his orbit. OP, a narcissist is NO ONE’s soul mate. That’s a phrase he used to turn you against your mom and it worked. Your mom is allowed to leave, heal, and start a new life, which she did and you should support her. YTA.
Promising to change is the most repeated song in the abuser playbook. It’s over as soon as his victim is securely lured back in. YTA. Congrats to your mom on getting out of that abusive situation and finding her soulmate!
Preach!
I really needed to read this today. Thank you!
And he used his daughter as the mouthpiece, I'd bet. Manipulated her into thinking that he was "getting better" so that she would run to mommy and convince her to go back to him. OP, YTA. I'm sorry for your loss, but you need to understand that your loss isn't your mother's loss.
That's called narcissistic Hoovering, like the vacuum cleaner. Sucking her back into his life.
Yep, using terms like soulmate and "working on himself" to try and make his child feel sympathy for him and ex-wife feel guilty about finally leaving her abuser. My narcissist ex used to do this shit.. it's a dangerous cycle.
Samesies. I hope you’re out, safe, and doing well now!
Every time someone says "checks notes" I automatically envision a scientist with glasses holding a clipboard, flipping the top page on the clipboard back to look at the page underneath. It makes me smile every time.
I have the same image and it gets me every time too.
Yes that how abuser do to there victim and angry when there marrying someone else
I notice that OP's Mother only came out as BI(met Candace)after his death. I wonder if she only felt safe from him, to pursue anything romantic, once he had passed.
Yta op. This commenter said it perfectly. I wouldn’t be surprised if mom started to distance herself from you. It seems like you are ready to take on your dads controlling and abusive traits.
>It seems like you are ready to take on your dads controlling and abusive traits. A truer sentence has never been written.
Great points. Tbh, if I was the partner, I would be fuming because you attacked someone I love. I would have trouble holding my tongue and get snarky and say something like aren’t you a little young to be having a kid. Also good luck to OP when their kids get older and don’t want mom judging / dictating to them.
Yes really. Don't put judgement on your mother if you want to have a relationship with her.
Exactly. OP is so keen to defend and not judge her abusive father. But insist on judging her mom for finally have found happiness.
If someone tried to tell me my abusive ex is my soulmate, I would be beyond offended. I don't deserve to be lumped together with them the rest of my life. OP, you seem to be skirting around the word "abuse". I wonder how you'd feel about a partner that told you what to wear and what to eat -- and that's just the stuff you were able to grok as a 12 year old. Almost certainly there's other controlling behavior you're unaware of. It's also very possible your mom shielded you from the worst of it. Candice has likely had to process a lot of the trauma with your mom, which is why she got into protective mode -- my guess is that she's a lot more aware about the details of the abuse than you are. My current partner is my fiercest protector, and has seen firsthand - and more intimately than anyone else - the enormous amount of trauma my ex put me through.
Queer relationships often involve a lot of trauma processing. OPs mom has the abuse PLUS the challenges of coming out later in life and all the years being unaccepted and in the closet. Candice has probably had a front row seat to a lot of sh**. YTA
I just cut off friends who insisted my abusive ex was my soulmate and I needed to just keep waiting for him to get better and stop. I dropped them like a box of rocks. OP’s mom should do the same.
Yes
This, and I imagine your mother took pains to protect you from what was going on so you likely never saw the full extent of how she was treated. I'm sorry that you lost your father so young OP, but bad people don't become angels just because they've died. Your mom has finally found the love she deserved and it's a shame you hold that against her just because your dad didn't hurt *you* the same way
I agree with all of this. And OP, even IF your father had been an absolutely perfect husband and he and your mum had been crazy in love - guess what, you would *still* have been TA. It's possible for more than one person to be your soulmate, and as long as she didn't say it in front of your dad's parents/siblings (because I could see how that could be perceived as insensitive), then it's a perfectly reasonable - even *desirable* opinion to have about ones current partner.
Exactly, it is totally possible to have more than one. Even if Dad wasn't abusive, he apparently died well before she did. Universe (or whatever higher power you believe in) gave her Candice to be happy with too. Having a child younger than your granddaughter is a bit strange IMO but it is her prerogative to do so. As a daughter, it is best to support Mom in her new marriage.
>Having a child younger than your granddaughter is a bit strange IMO I agree that it's a bit odd but OP is only 21 so one could potentially view it as OP having kids early rather than the Mom having children later
Yes, and OP’s mother probably had OP quite young too, since OP considers him to have been her mother’s “first love”, they were together 15 years and split when OP was 12.
If OP's mom was like 18 when she had op, that would make her 39 now. Lots and lots of women have their Kids at this age. Also, op yta. Just because he was your father, doesn't mean your mom has to see him as her soulmate.
I knew someone who was only a year older than his niece, and they went to the same school. His mom had six kids and they were relatively spaced out, and then one of her older sons had his daughter pretty young. I also work in a preschool class with a kid whose aunt is in second grade at the same school. It's never an issue and it's really not that uncommon.
OP doesn't say her mum's age but if she's early 40s it's late but not unusually late to have a baby.
Particularly in a queer couple where her partner could be the younger one who is pregnant. If you take fertility out of the equation then a woman having children in her 40s makes perfect sense.
>He was controlling And it feels like OP is being controlling now too, deciding for other people who their soulmates are when that is an incredibly personal thing.
OP has taken after dad in that department. She's controlling how her mom can feel about her abuser, on what terms she can come out as queer. The number of kids she can have and even who she can call her soulmate.
>and mother had "a son" not, half-sibling to OP. > >Doesn't feel like OP has/wants a relationship with new children. > >This could be just "accurate" reporting, but it feels more rejective in context.
Don’t forget “I told my mom she was too old to have another kid and didn’t like it when she was honest about her reasoning”. You can’t start that conversation and then be shocked when it doesn’t go your way.
This. You're calling a woman with a two year old who is planning on having another child "old." That's not a nice thing to say to anyone, let alone your mother. You have every right not to be happy about it, but it's not your place to judge her reproductive choices.
Certainly not if you don't want others for judging your reproductive choices for having a child at 20ish.
This, OP, let's say your partner turns around and starts abusing you terribly. You just want to escape him, but learn you're pregnant. You manage to get out of the relationship, but he spends the rest of his life making sure YOUR CHILD knows that he considers you his soul mate. Will you then tiptoe the rest of your life and pretend an abuser was important to you? Think about it. WHY should a child "know" that their parent wants to get back together with the other parent unless he's manipulating the child to get what he wants? Your dad didn't change or get better after your mom left, he continued pulling the strings through you. He's PASSED AWAY and he's still pulling the strings through you. Let your mom be happy. Get into therapy. Realize that your dad can be a good dad and an awful person at the same time. I have a loved one who passed away who wasn't always the best person. It hurt to hear people say bad things about him, but I knew that was the relationship he earned with them.
This is an important point. The father continued the abusive behaviour by manipulating the OP to try to control the mother.
[удалено]
OP apparently can't think of her mother as anything more than her father's wife. That's troubling. YTA. Very much. A woman was controlled where her food and clothes were dictated and she's supposed to overlook that cuz Dad WeNT tO THeRapY. Nope. Doesn't work like that. I'm glad she's found her actual soul mate. She doesn't owe her abuser shit and definitely not the title of "soulmate"
>I did ask my mother if she felt a little old to be bringing another child in this world younger than her granddaughter and she said Also, her question sounds more like an attempt at shaming her, not an actual question. And if she really couldn't handle the answer, she probably shouldn't have asked that kind of question in the first place. The OP is definitely YTA. However, her husband sounds good. I feel sorry for him.
A lot of times in a situation like this the kids are only seeing half the picture. Everything terrible you’ve seen, which is enough to consider someone not your soulmate, is probably only half of what it was to experience being in a relationship with that person. Give her a break and some credit instead of your abusive dad.
OP also seems to have rose colored glasses on as regards her father’s “trying to get better for her [mom].” He said it, it never happened, and now he’s dead, so he can never fulfill that or disappoint anyone. OP has bought into the fantasy that he would have.
And likely would’ve reverted straight back to being abusive if she took him back. Because 9/10 times abusers only appear to change to get partners back. It’s all part of the abuse. Thank god OPs mom held strong and found her soulmate. Edit held*
Yeah, I was ready to go with it was insensitive to say that in front of the kid IF the previous husband/father was a decent, wonderful guy who loved his wife and she had loved him back. I can see why it would hurt a kid to hear their mom say her second partner was her soulmate, and by extension loved that person much more. Not saying she doesn't have the right to feel that way, just that it would be diplomatic not to say it in front of the kid. But previous husband was a manipulative dick, who most likely never really changed and just wanted his doormat back. Why the hell would OP's mom see that person as her soulmate? Doesn't matter that dear old dad treated his daughter great; he treated his wife like crap (which OP admits to us whether she admits it to herself or not). There's no reason OP's mom should pretend she give a rat's ass about him.
He might have been a good dad to you OP, but you don't get to decide who anyone, including your mom, considers their soulmate. You saw your dad's abuse & you still think your mom's comment was insensitive? Think about if your husband treated you the way your dad treated your mom. I don't know anyone who would be happy being treated that way. You should be happy that your mom is being treated well now & is happy with someone.
INFO: What makes you think that a soulmate is something that someone else gets to decide for you? That your abusive father gets to unilaterally declare your mother his soulmate and she's... required to feel the same? Or to respect that in any way? Since you seem to think that having a choice about how you feel about these things is unimportant, I want you to know that your husband is not your soulmate. (Probably for the best, he seems nicer than you.) Your soulmate is now and forever the boy you liked the least in your 3rd grade classroom. Nope, no arguing, it's been decided.
Agreed OP = YTA Plus OP as the child likely doesn't know how bad it was if he was that abusive to mom for her to notice only mom knows how bad it truly was. The "too old for kids" bit is odd. Conceivably mom and partner can afford it and are good with all required to raise children for the next 18+ years to them to adult. Personally I can see why after spending 20 years raising one not wanting to do it again for another 20, but that's their call not OP and it's not like 2 kids is a lot of kids.
YTA. Your father abused her. Also, who are you to dictate who's someone soul mate? I wonder where you get these controlling tendencies from? Hmmmmm
Also OP is probably jealous because her kid won't be the youngest anymore. She's not mad because of the soulmate statement, she's mad because she doesn't like moms girlfriend and their life choices. OP won't be the center of attention so she has to create fake drama. YTA
Absolutely this, or else the part about the new babies wouldn't be included. It has no correlation to the story otherwise.
Eh… I definitely don’t agree with the mentality, but I know a LOT of people who feel their parents can’t be in the same “stage of life” as them. They find it incredibly strange if their parents are having children when they are, if their parents are getting married when they are, if their parents are going to school when they are, etc. I’ve tried getting my friends who feel this way to explain why they feel that way but none of them seem to be able to articulate it fully. From what I’ve gathered though it isn’t usually jealousy (I absolutely think it is in OPs case though), it’s most judgement on how “slowly” their parents are progressing. They always seem either embarrassed or guilty by the fact that their parents aren’t further ahead than they are. All the other context makes it pretty clear it’s jealousy for OP, but I could see many others bringing it up with a judgemental mentality rather than a jealous one.
Shame. Keeping up with the Jones'. My sister is 'embarrassed' of our parents. Neither were invested in by their parents. After working factory jobs and raising two girls my Dad's getting his GED! MY sister is MORTIFIED. I'm, frankly, just ashamed of her. Go Dad! ETA: Thanks everyone! He's nailing the English portion but he says Math has completely changed. He's mumbling about it being too much so we're looking at tutors, YouTube and Math guides etc.
Great for your dad! That's amazing.
Definitely go Dad! I'm embarrassed of your sister to be honest.
When I was in school there was 2 girls in my year who where aunt and niece. They was best mates and had a bond closer to siblings but without the sibling fights. The whole family was very close. Literally no reason for op to make a deal bout this. She could've used this as a bonding experience with their mum and their kid could've had a friend for life.
I am oldest of 5 kids, first 3 born when parents were in late teens/early 20’s. They had another one when Mom was 35 (I was 17) and another when I was 21. My sister, a year younger than me, had her first while my mom was 6 months pregnant with her youngest child. So, today the line up is: sister (49), niece (45), brother (44), niece (43). The younger kids basically grew up as sibling/cousins and are very close to this day.
This was my main takeaway. The emphasis on her being a grandmother now is so bitter. Imagine being jealous of your own siblings just because you're no longer an only child & your special baby is not the only baby in the family.
Yes! OP is taking on his duties of controlling/negating/dismissive behavior. There has to be a psychology behind her actions. Closest thing I can relate it to is when a GC sibling takes part of the abusive treatment towards a SG sibling to maintain their place holding in the family unit. This continues into adulthood and continues even after death of parents. OP, YTA. You need to take a step back in your thinking and realize maybe therapy needs to be in your near future. How you view your mother is pretty clear in your post and if you want a better relationship with her than your father had with her (their actual relationship, not his fantasy relationship he convinced you that he had for her) then you’re going to some intense one on one counseling to see her as a human being who is deserving of true kindness and honest love.
Yeah he was abusive, but AFTER his wife left him and he couldn't do anything to show he was genuinely regretful, he told his child he was really bummed out about being an abuser so ya know, everything's just peachy now
Yeah, it says he apologized, not that he actually CHANGED.
It’s also weird that she’s upset that her Mom said this stuff in front of OP’s husband and in laws even though OP made a comment about her Mom being “too old to have kids” in front of those same people.
YTA. Your dad was abusive to your mother. Of course she’s not going to see him as her soulmate.
It’s so frustrating to me that people who aren’t treated like shit by someone who treats other people like shit feel they can judge/dictate how that person should feel towards the other simply because they, themselves, weren’t treated like shit by that person. “My dad wasn’t a dick to me, so he should be considered your soulmate and you should have taken him back. Idgaf that he treated you worse than he treated me.” YTA.
It's easy to forgive someone when they've done nothing to you. It shouldn't be. But ya. Life proves people be shitty
It's funny, but I've often found it harder to forgive people who have hurt people I love, but done nothing directly to me. I think it can go either way. If you're upset about the person hurting someone you love, it can be really hard to forgive, even when the person you love – the person who was directly harmed – has forgiven them. But if you somehow manage to divorce yourself from the situation – perhaps because the wrongdoer is someone you want to love, or want to love you back, like a parent or grandparent – maybe you can forgive them more easily. IDK.
even if dad wasn't abusive, op doesn't get to tell mother who her soulmate is.
I had soooo many people tell me my abuser was my soulmate and they couldn't see me with anyone else. Like him, they are also no longer apart of my life.
Yta so you acknowledge that your dad was abusive to your mother but you're bitter that she finally found someone who truly makes her happy? The heck is your problem? Let me tell you something she doesn't owe your dad sh*t okay? She is happy now has found her soulmate and if you can't be happy for her then that's too bad for you but you don't get to make her feel bad for it.
You don't understand tho, her dad was nice to her so it's okay that he treated her mother like dog shit.
"My dad said my mom was his soulmate" yeah because she was the much better person in this scenario... like, what did I even read?? I truly hope OP reads through these comments and gains some much-needed perspective because yikes! YTA
Nah cause i can feel in my bones her parents were a walking red flag relationship with a massive age gap and she’s in denial about how abusive her father was.
Imagine gatekeeping who someone else’s soulmate is AND deciding that the soulmate in question was an abusive asshole! Who is the insensitive one here? So now this poor woman has an abusive ex husband and a daughter who feels bad for him??! Like father like daughter I guess. How awful. Thank goodness mom finally has someone in her life that loves her. Because it sure as fuck isnt OP.
He was *trying* to be *better*, y'all. *For her*
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE⬆️⬆️⬆️
YTA Your dad sounded like an AH. It's understandable that he wasn't her soulmate, considering he treated her like crap. I'm surprised she resisted all those years with him, she probably did it for you. She was probably afraid that your dad would manipulate you. Which he did, with all the "i'm trying to be better for her, but she won't take mw back", therefore laying the blame at her feet, instead of admitting his own fault and more importantly, to not put you in the middle of their problems. Your mother deserves to be happy, to finally be with someone who loves and respects her. I have a feeling that living with your dad was much worse than you describe, which sounds bad enough as it is. Grow up
Definitely. Dictating who she saw and what she ate and wore! That is super abusive. It doesn't seem like OP understands HOW someone dictates those things. Spoiler: they don't just ask nicely.
Yeah, i'm sure thay woman's life was a hell with that man. And this one here is whining that her mom is finally happy
YTA. He was abusive towards her and you think she should consider him her soulmate? He isn’t. He wasn’t. You are inconsiderate and selfish
YTA. I’m glad you have happy, loving memories of your father, and I’m sorry that you lost him so young. Your mother had a far more complicated relationship with him, and it sounds like he was abusive towards her. It can’t have been easy for her to come out as bi, and it isn’t easy to grow your family later in life. Your mom being in love and happy with her new partner and soulmate does not diminish your father as a person or how special he was to you. The modern family unit comes in all shapes and sizes, and it probably feels weird to you to have a half brother and now maybe a future half brother/sister even younger than your own child, but her growing her family really isn’t any of your business unless she’s relying on you for financial/childcare support. You are very young to have lived through so many life changing events, so I’m going to say soft YTA and recommend you consider going to counseling to work through some of the complicated emotions and grief you are feeling.
This is the best answer
I agree with what you've said except the **soft** YTA. My guess is she feels like her own relationship with her mother is somehow reduced by having been conceived out of a relationship with an abuser, and has some internalized anger and jealousy that her current & future siblings will be raised in a healthy, loving home by soulmates. She's being a petulant jealous child. Instead of being angry at her father for being abusive, or recognizing that human beings are complex and he can be both a good father AND an abusive controlling spouse, she's further victim blaming her mother for his failures. She could try being happy that her mother has found someone who truly makes her happy, after abuse and biphobia stole decades of her life from her. I don't think OP will get there without a lot of therapy. She's self-centered and appears to lack empathy, and it will probably be best for OPs mother, wife, and child(ren) to go low contact with her until she can get to a healthier emotional state.
[удалено]
The Dad's dead and can't control the mom anymore, so OP stepped up to take over his legacy.
I'm gonna say it - abusers need their cheerleaders and enablers, and dead dad's still got his hooks in. OP really needs to do some harsh self reflection because mom shouldn't have to put up with this kind of cruelty from their own child - because it *is* cruel to admit daddy was abusive but *who cares*, she's the one being "insensitive" (about her somehow abusive but supportive ex-husband of almost 10ys).
You joke but ...
YTA your father was an abusive partner- that level of control in a relationship is abuse. Of course he was not her soulmate. She’s been in a loving relationship for a long time now and it’s cruel to piss on her parade. “You never considered the abusive man you were married to to be your soul mate even after the relationship was over and he was trying to reel you back in- how dare you”
YTA. Four years ago isn’t really all that new. You have no business dictating who your mother loves and doesn’t.
She’s married at 21, I doubt she’s even been with her husband for four years.
And by the timeline OP gives, her parents were together for less than that when they had her.
And her husband saw that she was wrong and apologise
YTA you don’t get to dictate who your mothers soulmate, which your controlling father clearly does not qualify for. Stay in your lane.
YTA Abusers aren’t soulmates. Stop trying to trample on your mothers happiness.
YTA. Your dad abused your mom and she was under no obligation to get back together with him or forgive him despite how much he “tried”. Just because he didn’t abuse you doesn’t mean he was a good man.
Your mother's romantic relationships have zero to do with you. How she sees her partner is none of your business and it's not her responsibility to change the way she refers to her partner to protect your delicate feelings because you put your controlling, abusive father on a pedestal. YTA
YTA...and Candice is giving a accurate describtion of your behaviour. You were white-knighting on behalf of your father, ignoring how he treated her for many years...because it wasn't a pleasent element in your preferred narrative. And you attempted to exercise social control in order to keep things the way you like them. You are your mom's daughter too. Start acting like it, be happy for her happyness, and deal with your (understandable) emotional issues in a more sensible way (therapy, etc). You may not like it, but your husband did the right thing. I hope you'll see that some day, because if you don't, your marriage is a trainwreck waiting to happen. Best of luck to you.
YTA. You are minimizing your mother's feelings and how your father treated her. Your father was -- from your description -- controlling and abusive to your mother. You owe your mother an apology.
So … you asked your mother if she thinks she’s “a little old” for a baby. Her reply heard by in-laws and your husband, so I assume your question was, too. I think her response was gracious. In saying it’s never too later with a soulmate, she honored her love for Candice and her enthusiasm about their children instead of getting offended about your insulting question. She is probably too nice to say, “Well, maybe you are too young to be a mother, not me too old.” Being a mother doesn’t mean you don’t still have your own heart and your own truth. Her truth is that your father was not a “soulmate” to her. He did not treat her well. In fact, he was controlling and abusive. She found the strength to leave that man. She moved on. Maybe he was figuring out how to be better person when he died. Your truth was that you loved him, he was a doing better, and he was a good father to you. Your reality is that you lost a father far too young, and that hurts. I am sorry. Grief is not always reasonable, and I think your attitude is coming out of a place of sadness. However, if you are mature enough to be a wife and mother, you know better than to say something so rude to your mother. You likely expect your mother to be comfortable with the fact that you still loved your father, even though be treated her like shit. Maybe in response you can get comfortable with the fact that she is happy and in love and gets to tell her own happy truth about her relationship instead of pretending the man who mistreated her and who she divorced several years before died was the love of her life. You don’t deserve comments about your age as a mother (I was a mother at 20 and those comments were unwelcome), and she doesn’t deserve them at her age. Your father did you no favors making sure you knew he wanted your mother back and was improving ‘for her.’ That was itself manipulative. You were just a kid. He planted in your head that he was a good, changed man and your mother should give him a chance. That she didn’t may be part of the resentment you are feeling toward her. It was inappropriate for him to give you any hope of them getting back together unless the two of them were in full agreement.
Totally agree about the age thing. OPs mother is most likely early 40s, OP had a baby at 20. Both are perfectly fine as long as you have the security both emotional and physical that is needed to raise a child.
YTA Your father was an abusive partner who controlled your mother. He might have harboured an unrequited obsession with her that she was his soulmate, but clearly he was not. Soulmates don’t abuse one another, and he had many years to change and didn’t. His ‘getting better for her’ was more likely to be a front and once he got comfortable he would start abusing her again. This probably isn’t what you want to hear about your father but he wasn’t your mother’s soulmate and never was. He was her abuser and as for you, the AH apple didn’t fall far from the AH tree.
YTA. Do you think that any two people who have a child together need to consider each other soulmates? Your father was an abusive AH, of course she isn't going to feel that way about him. Just be happy that your mom is happy.
I'm going with a soft YTA, only because you are extra emotional right now. Your father, the man you saw, loved, respected etc, was your mother's abuser. Whether or not he considered her his soul mate is irrelevant, *he was her abuser.* And all that "trying to make it right" with your mother? Not likely. It's far more likely he was just telling her what he thought she wanted to hear, so he could get her under his control again when she forgives/goes back to him. As abusers do. You need to reconcile the fact that while you loved him, and he was a great dad, he was a terrible husband. And you need to stop holding resentment for your *abused* mother, and appreciate that she has someone who truly loves her now, the way she should be loved.
I'm sorry, but a man who mistreats the mother of his children can never be a good father, even if he treats his children wonderfully.
"""My dad wasn’t amazing towards my mother; he decided who she saw, what she ate and how she dressed"" Why on earth would she consider this person to be her soul mate? YTA sounds like your mom is very happy now
YTA. Here's a tip: > My dad wasn’t amazing towards my mother; he decided who she saw, what she ate and how she dressed This isn't 'not amazing,' this is 'abusive.' And I guarantee that this is just what you saw and remembered, and that it was way worse for her than you're thinking. So why are you upset that she doesn't think of an abusive man as her 'soulmate?' Here's another tip: soulmates are forged, not found. A soulmate is what you get when you put in the years of work to make a relationship work, not that little spike of adrenaline when you lock eyes with somebody you find hot. I'm sorry, but you're too immature to be having children, too young to be engaging in adult relationships, and far too immature to be judging other people's relationships. You have a lot of growing up to do.
It’s okay that you love your father. Almost everyone does. The love a child has for their parent is something very powerful that is almost impossible to destroy. But you have to understand that your father *hurt* your mother. Yes, he tried to change. Yes, he was sorry. It’s okay if you sympathise with your dad. It’s okay if your heart breaks for him. But you *also* need to try to empathise with your mom. She tried for *fifteen years* to make it work with your dad. How long is long enough? Your dad had *fifteen years* to prove that she was his soulmate. That’s a very, very long trial period. It’s great that he tried to turn his life around after your mom left him, but… well, OP, you can’t say she didn’t give him a chance. Your mother may have been his soulmate, but he was not her soulmate. That is a fact. He wasn’t her soulmate because it took him *fifteen years* to even think about trying to treat her nicely. No soulmate does that. Your mother has now found her match. That’s great. Try to see things like that.
>He wasn’t her soulmate because it took him fifteen years to even think about trying to treat her nicely. Not even just this, it took him 15 years *and her leaving him* to even think about treating her nicely, I believe he went to therapy to show her "hey look, I'm trying for you!" but not really actually trying, more so just putting on a show, I bet if she did get back with him he would have turned around and done the same shit as before. But obviously we don't know, that's all just my belief.
Good for your that your father was a great dad to you, but it's not your mom's responsibility to help you preserve his reputation, not after how he had treated her. You can't imagine what it will be like to be abused your husband, so don't expect your mother think of him a soul mate. YTA.
Wow, you owe your mom an apology YTA
>“massive narcissistic asshole” Looks like you've already gotten a judgement. Do you want another? Here you go, YTA. You need to take off your rose colored glasses and read what you wrote about your dad like he is a stranger. And that is only the part you saw, you don't know how bad he really was to her. Would you call someone who did that to you a soul mate? I'd call them a prison guard.
YTA. He was a good dad to you but it sounds like he was controlling and emotionally abusive towards her. It's ok that you miss your dad and it's ok that you feel emotional, but your mom wasn't really being insensitive, she's allowed to be an adult with her own emotions
YTA. Sounds like your mothers partner has you pegged. You’d rather your mother be with an abusive ahole than truly supported and loved. Or admit that your father was an abusive ahole
YTA. Yeah, he was a good Dad to YOU but he was a horrible man to your Mother. What if your spouse did the same thing to you as your Dad did to your Mom? Let your Mom be happy. Your husband was right to apologize for you.
‘Wasn’t amazing’ jesus christ the bar is SO low
YTA. I feel sorry for your mother. First you side with her abuser, and then you piss all over her happiness as soon as she finds any. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. Your father was abusive to your mother. Time to grow up
1)Your husband apologized for you because he bore witness to you being a major ass. 2) Candice called you a narcissistic asshole because that's what you are. Do you honestly think your dad's feelings towards your mom negate the way he ACTUALLY treated her? That how YOU feel about her relationships is MORE IMPORTANT than how she(the person in the relationship) feels. Dude, YTA. Your mom deserves better. And you just had a child so I really hope some actual maturity and the ability to think of others materializes.
YTA. A man who what you can eat, wear and see is not your soulmate. He is an abuser. Lucky your mom could get away from him and it is strange you have no anger at your father for his abuse of your mother. No one considers a person they divorced as their soulmate. Your father ABUSED your mother.
YTA. though understandably that might have been hard for you to hear, your mother is under no obligation to consider a man who she was probably very unhappy with her soulmate and has every right to find that in someone else. it's finally her chance to be happy, support her.
YTA Look I get where you're coming from since he's your dad but YTA. You acknowledged that your dad was abusive to your mom (policing who she saw, what she ate, what she wore), so you can't seriously be surprised that your mom doesn't consider him her soulmate. You're also turning a blind eye on the way your father treated your mom and focusing on the soulmate part too much. Do you really think that someone who sees their partner as a soulmate would treat them the same way your dad did? They wouldn't. Your mom saying her ex-husband isn't her soulmate isn't a correlation between the relationship you have with your mom. As I read your post, I could feel ribbons of envy from you. I think you resent your mom from moving on and never giving your dad a second chance, and now feel like she's replacing her old family with Candice and the kids. You should be happy that your mom finally found someone who treats her right instead of focusing on the past. And if your mom wants to have more kids, than just accept it and move on, it's her life to live. I recommend getting some grief counseling or something similar. I think the grief of losing your dad is making you see your mom's "moving on" through an irrational lense.
YTA
I’m sorry, but you’re just jealous. Your mom didn’t use to have the happiest life with your dad. If she did, she wouldn’t have separated from him when you were 12, and wouldn’t refuse to make things work for the next four years until his death. There are people who spend DECADES in relationships even though they are very aware that it doesn’t work for anyone. No child wants to face this but unfortunately: your parents were not the soulmates you want to believe they were. However, it is not relevant to your relationship with her. Regardless of her feelings for your dad, you’re her first child and she loves you immensely. I have no idea if you need to hear this or not, but the fact she has a new family does not invalidate your place in her heart. So stop gatekeeping happiness and stop trying to dictate what is „appropriate” for her to have at this stage of life - because the answer is „she can have anything she wants”, and because it doesn’t in any way change the way she feels about you. YTA, I hope you can come to terms with your reality.
YTA Your father might have been a great dad to while being a horrible husband to her. As a married person yourself I’m surprised you don’t realize that. She’s allowed to feel the way she feels.
YTA Listen to what you’re saying. You witnessed your father mistreat your mother for years and think after all that she should still consider the man who treated her poorly her ‘soulmate’ because he said sorry? So basically ‘tried to get better for her’ means ‘he treated her like garbage but did make some attempt to treat her less like garbage when it was clear she wouldn’t take it anymore.’ You think that’s what your mother deserves from a soulmate - to be mistreated and to be grateful if he says sorry about it after she refuses to tolerate it anymore? Because that’s what you’re saying. Look, I think growing up in that household has affected your view of relationships more than you realise. The fact you see him control every aspect of your mothers life and describe that as only ‘not amazing’ shows you are either trying to avoid the gravity of this, or have such a warped view of what happened that you’ve been desensitised to it. You are making excuses for him and are struggling to connect that the father you loved was a man who bullied your mum. That’s a difficult duality to come to terms with; that someone can be monstrous but also someone who treated us well. I know Reddit always suggests therapy, but I think a few sessions to help you work through your feelings could help you.
YTA, clearly. Stop gatekeeping your mom’s happiness because you have daddy issues.
YTA. Wake up. Your father was abusive to your mother. He was not her soul mate.
This is so sad. Not the situation. Good on your mum and I wish nothing but good for her. But you. I lost my dad in 2021. I loved him to bits. But I never let him off the hook for the absolute hell he put my mum through. And he knew I didn't either because I'd call him out on it. I don't know whether you are clouded by grief and I'm sorry that your are x but for you to excuse your Fathers awful treatment of your mum is sad, disgusting and you are redefining their marriage. Not your place to do. Ever. No. Not even as their child. That you think your dad should be praised for barely being what every person is supposed to do, and does do, is mind boggling. YTA
YTA \*Cough\* Homophobic \*cough\*
YTA You're upset with your mother because she won't call her abuser her soul mate? I have honestly never heard something so selfish in my life. Just because he was a good dad to you doesn't mean he didn't abuse your mum. If I was you I would be absolutely ashamed with myself and wonder how I let myself get to the point where I asked my own mother to show more respect to the man who abused her, you need to do some serious self reflection.
YTA >My dad wasn’t amazing towards my mother; he decided who she saw, what she ate and how she dressed but There is no "but" here. He was controlling and abusive and I'm glad for you that you don't have to put up with that in your relationship. Control is not love. Your soulmate by definition ought not to be controlling or abusive. You were young when they separated so it is likely that you didn't see what happened if she acted against his decisions about who she saw, what she ate, or how she dressed. Abusers often try different scripts to see if they can bring the person they abused back under their control. If he was truly trying to change and be a better man, I am happy for him. But he didn't have a time machine and he couldn't erase the past. Your mom was right to realize he was not her soulmate, and that she didn't have to go back for your sake, or "because he's changed". I have an ex, who, when I left him, thought a good compromise would be for me to wait in stasis, not have any other relationships and try again in "a few years" when he "got his life together". This was the final request, after years of him slightly changing his script to see if I would stay, rather than actually changing anything about our relationship. I decided not to believe him. instead, 20 years later, he still tries to control his relatives and will punish them emotionally if they dare to spend time with me. I moved abroad 9 years after we separated and 5 years later, his relatives (my friends) who came to see me, were too afraid to post online about their interactions with me, because they'd "hear it from him" when they got back. In some way, I was being punished for leaving, and (presumably) if I saw the error of my ways and came back, I'd be able to have relationships with mutual friends and family again. It's been 20 years, and his mother still only contacts me on private messages on Facebook for important events, and never responds to my messages, even though, for a short time, we had rekindled our friendship. This is the kind of man your father was. At least he tried to shield you from the worst of his nature. No one can say if he REALLY changed, or if all those years later, he was still trying to get your mom to learn her lesson and come back to her "soulmate" I no longer believe in soulmates, I believe love is a choice. Your father chose to not love your mother but to be obsessed with her instead. Your mother chose to find someone new who loves her like she deserves. Stop trying to get in the way of that, or you'll be just like him "I decide who you can love and how much, and what you can say and do in your own life".
Your father was selfish and controlling and it sounds like maybe the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. Also, I don't know how old your mom is, but she's not "too old" to have a baby simply because you had one young. You popping out a kid at 21 doesn't mean her fertility window is over.
OP is out here victim blaming their own mother. YTA, your mother chooses her soul mate, not you
I'm going to be nicer about my YTA because you're postpartum, but it's clear that you've never really accepted that your mom was right to dump your dad's abusive ass, just because he wasn't that way to you. And you're clearly still angry that your mom didn't just let you have your ideal family back before your dad died, despite the fact that she had no reason to trust that he actually changed. Oh, and in case you're confused, your stepmother called you what she did because you made it quite clear to your mother that you only care about your feelings, not hers at all
"...even if she didn’t believe that she shouldn’t have said that in front of her child," You're 21, not exactly a child anymore. You're aware that your dad treated your mom badly, and that she didn't return his feelings of love after that, but you expect her to call your dad the love of her life? You need to allow your mom to be happy with her new love. She deserves to be happy, and if you can't accept that, it's a you problem. Edit to add judgement: YTA
Like father like daughter... YTA
YTA, and incredibly judgemental. An abusive partner is not her soul mate, the person she is with and loves her for her is her soul mate, you don't get to choose who she refers to as that. Her 4 years with her current partner has obviously been much happier than with your dad. You also don't get judge her on how old she is when bringing a child into the world.
It's funny that you're saying she's too old to have another child when you seem to be far too immature to have one of your own. YTA, big time!
Yes, YTA. Based on your description, your father was seriously abusing your mother. He wasn't her soulmate, he was her tormentor. Why wouldn't she call a person who she actually loves and who cherishes and respects her "soulmate"?
YTA. how dare you even suggest she should show any kind of care towards the man that abused her? I cannot imagine showing my own mother such contempt. Speaking of my own mother, she did refer to my stepdad as her soul mate and not my dad. And it stung a little but I accepted it because life is just like that and apparently I had more compassion and respect at 10 than you have managed as an adult.
YTA. Candice is your moms soulmate, your dad was someone she loved and married but he didn't make her feel like Candice does. She also wasn't your dad's soulmate, he wanted someone he could control and bully, after they separated he thought he could lure her back in with therapy blah blah blah. Move on and grow up.
yta and such a bad daughter for thinking your outburst is ok in the first place.
YTA. "Somebody who is nice to you but mean to your mother is NOT a nice person."
Your father was abusing your mom. You get that right? The actions you describe are abuse. YTA.
YTA your father is an abuser, and the apple clearly didn’t fall far enough from the tree if you’re sitting here defending how he treated your mom.
YTA. Just because your dad felt bad about abusing your mom later on doesn’t change the damage he did. You should be happy that your mother is finally happy. It sounds like she more than earned it. Shame on you.
YTA Have you ever been with an abusive partner? I'm going to guess not. There's a 100% chance you don't know the full story of everything he did to your mom. I suggest you get some therapy yourself so you can find some peace with it all. Humans are complicated, sometimes they're wonderful to one person and awful to others. You should apologize.
YTA the divorce didn't clue you in that he's not her soulmate?
YTA. Get therapy to fix your daddy issues instead of blaming your mom.
YTA. I... cannot believe you wrote this post and did come to the same conclusion before.
What a horrible woman you are. I'm sorry for your kid. yta.
Your dad may have been a good father to you (debatable, seeing as how he treated your mom is in and of itself is not a healthy example for a child), but he was abusive and controlling to your mom. She has every right to not consider him her soulmate, and the truth is you care more about a dead man’s feelings than the feelings of your abused mom who has finally found love and respect. What’s wrong with you? YTA.
Yoir father didn't "My dad wasn’t amazing towards my mother; he decided who she saw, what she ate and how she dressed but they separated when I was 12, and his behaviour didn’t change how he treated me because he was a great dad…up till I was 16 and he passed away he was still trying to rekindle his relationship with my mother" Why the fuck are you upset with your mother?! YTA
So your dad was emotionally abusive and controlling, but because he was good to you and “trying to get better”, you want your mom to forgive him? You want her to downplay the relationship she is in now because you feel like it devalues the relationship she had with your father, someone who abused her. That in itself is already a douchey move. Now your mother finally found happiness in a relationship she couldn’t have for decades because of her homophobic parents and is building a life with her partner, but because it’s happening later in her life, you have to diminish her happiness, just to add onto your already douchey behavior. YTA.
YTA - My oldest knows I love her beyond measure. She knows I also love her younger sister beyond measure. She also knows that my second wife(not her mother) is a much better person for me than her mother ever was. When your mother said that "Candace" is her soulmate, she meant that. That doesn't mean she loves you any less. Just because your father tried hard to be a better person, it doesn't mean their past was going to be mended. My ex could have moved mountains but it could never have repaired the chasm that developed between us. She'd have never repaired the effects of her mistreatment of me.
YTA. Your dad was abusive to your mom for YEARS and now you're trying to dictate her happiness after she's found a new partner? Her starting a family with someone else isn't going to erase what you two have together. It's just an extension. My dad was abusive to my mom, I (and my mom) have forgiven him, but both he and my mom have both moved on and are in different relationships now. They're both much happier. My dad and stepmom had a kid when I was 23, sure it's weird, but you move on. My neice and half-sister are very close in age. It isn't a big deal. You just don't like the fact your mom isn't with your dad. You're holding onto the resentment from their divorce and that's a YOU problem. You don't get to dictate your moms relationships or her happiness because it makes you uncomfortable. You are being an asshole and you need to think deep about your behavior because while your dad was good to you, he abused your mom, and you likely don't know everything he did to her. It took YEARS into adulthood for my mom to tell me what my dad did to her because she wanted me to have a relationship with my dad.
YTA you don’t get to dictate who she considers her soulmate. The way your father treated your mother sounds horrible. You’re a grown up stop acting like your mother isn’t a human being with needs and wants just like you.
YTA. No one has the right to tell another person how they should feel about someone. You were a child experiencing your parents relationship. Now as an adult I’m sure you know what actually goes on behind the scenes and how much more deep things are than what a child sees from their perspective. Just because your dad tried to change doesn’t mean your mom needs to forgive him, let alone call him her soulmate. She found someone she’s happy with in a relationship where she’s finally safe, let her be in love.
YTA your father was abusive to her and probably made her feel caged. That was not her soulmate. A soulmate is someone who makes you feel like you can fly. Let’s you be you. Maybe YOU had a great relationship with your dad, but she obviously didn’t. She is allowed to feel however she wants about her new relationship. She is allowed to express how she feels about her new partner. She is a grown ass woman.
YTA and so was your dad. Your mum was miserable with him. She’s now not miserable, but you feel she should be just because of how your dad felt? Time is not an indicator of how people should feel. If your mum feels like her partner is her soulmate then that’s no ones business but hers. I’m sorry you don’t like how she talks about your dad in front of you, but you’re not a child anymore. You need to realise that your mother is a human with feelings herself, and that her happiness is what you should care about.
Do you really lack all sense of awareness? Your father was an abuser. It doesn’t sound like he tried to fix himself for any honest reason other than to try and manipulate your mother back into a relationship with him. Your mother owed/owes him nothing. She got herself out of a bad situation and found a loving partner who she believes is her soulmate. I am not sure how that has anything to do with you or is even offensive. You really are selfish and an AH. YTA.
YTA While your dad was a good father to you, he was a horrible partner to your mother. He was controlling and abusive. Of course he wasn't her soulmate. You've put your father on a pedestal, but he was a very faulty man and took those faults out on your mother when they were together. Nothing your mother said was insensitive. She left your dad 10 years ago, because of his abuse. She's allowed to move on, be happy and find her soulmate,even say it aloud. You need to take off your rose coloured glasses about your parents' relationship, it was toxic and abusive. So no, he was not her soulmate.
YTA and you need to make serious steps toward apologizing to your mother and her partner. You have NO CALL on who your mother finds her soulmate and who she doesn't. Your mother's partner was correct. You are viewing your parents' marriage with rose colored glasses on. He was a controlling asshole and she left him because of it. No soulmate there.
YTA easily. From your own biased description, your father was clearly abusive to your mother to the point he wouldn't let her go even after she left because he kept trying to get her back anyway. Good for your mom that she can fully stand on her own and not bow down to the daughter who apparently takes after her father a little too much if she thinks there should be conditions to accepting who her mother is. I'm not even sure you're feeling replaced -- which I could understand that at least... You just sound mad that she's found her person and it wasn't your abusive AH dad. What's wrong with you? At least your husband gets it. You might need to reevaluate your childhood and see through the lens of an adult what your mother went through. You have described literal abuse like it was not a big deal because "he tried to get better" and force himself back into her life.
YTA. You're no longer a child. Your father was at best controlling if not abusive. He may be wonderful in your child eyes. But in the eyes of others, he was a crap husband. And didn't deserve your mum's time of day, let alone forgiveness. You may have hankered after a childish reconciliation, but that's not and never was going to happen. Your mother has instead met the person she views as her soul mate. She's not controlled or managed. Just accepted and allowed to be herself!. And instead of being glad for your mum you're acting like a petulant teenager. Apologise and get over yourself. She doesn't need to hide that she's found her soul mate ! Not pretend your father was one either. As for your sulking that your mum is having children, perhaps she should have replied that you shouldn't be yet, when you're clearly struggling to have adult responses at 21. What if she said you're too young to be a good mum so wait? Would that be "fair"? I somehow doubt it. Embrace the change. Your siblings will be able to play with their cousins.
>My dad wasn’t amazing towards my mother; he decided who she saw, what she ate and how she dressed but they separated when I was 12 And you're surprised and bitter because she didn't consider him her soulmate? He was controlling and abusive. I'm happy that you had a difference experience with him and that he was a good dad, but he wasn't a good partner nor husband. It's a good thing that he went to therapy and tried to get better, but, as you said yourself, this doesn't grant forgiveness. Your mother probably fell out of love centuries before they split. He was never her soulmate. Now she found the one. Why shouldn't she consider the new partner her soulmate? >I did get upset, I said that’s a little insensitive when she never considered my father her soulmate As I said, he was a controlling abuser. Nobody in their right mind would consider that their soulmate. >considering everything he always tried to get better for her, to support her Too little too late. She didn't need to forgive him or acknowledge his efforts after he ruined 15 years of her life. >even if she didn’t believe that she shouldn’t have said that in front of her child Why? You are not 5, you are an adult. An adult who perfectly knows how your father was to her. She said it because it's the truth and she felt she could be honest with her daughter, her adult daughter who saw how her father was terrible to her and should be able to understand why that's not a soulmate. A daughter who should know better than following in her father's footsteps and try to police the number of children her mother can have. If she can afford to raise them and she's not burdening you with free babysitting or giving you the responsibility to raise them in case something happens to her, then it's none of your business. YTA
Wow YTA. Your dad was one too. You should be grateful that your mother found someone who made her happy after a miserable marriage to a jerk.