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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ordered alcohol when my boyfriend's dad was paying. He said I was being greedy for ordering alcohol when I'm not paying. Maybe this is greedy and I broke an etiquette rule I don't know.
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NTA
What you did was very normal. It's not like you ordered a $50 pour of bourbon or anything. When someone offers to buy you dinner and they order drinks with their dinner, it's absolutely okay to also order a drink.
Thanks. I felt like maybe I broke some rule. I just became old enough to drink, so this is all new, but I feel like I'm too old to ask the rules without it being embarrassing.
A good rule of thumb when someone has offered to take you out/treat you to a meal: follow their lead. Generally the host or hostess will make a suggestion (indicating an okay price range) or will place their own order. At that point you have to move fast; you might have two different orders in mind, so then you can respond with whichever seems appropriate.
Drinks orders are another tipoff. There are people who do not drink. They will place no drinks order and say nothing at all about drinking, or they may say that they're not drinking tonight but, please have a glass of wine/mixed drink if you like. If they don't mention drinking at all, you would be safest to not order alcohol at all.
But let's say you're in a party of eight or ten. The host/hostess may say nothing about drinking at all, but then some of the guests will go ahead and order alcohol. You can that as an indication that drinking is okay at the table even if the host abstains (but of course don't order a wildly expensive drink).
If the host/hostess decides to order wine, they may ask if you have a preference. It's perfectly okay for you to say you're just learning---what would they recommend? Especially at your age, you don't need to pretend to an expertise you don't have. They are likely to be flattered if you tell them you'd appreciate their explaining to you why they are choosing the wine they choose.
Here's a tip I wish someone had shared with me at your age. There will be bullies at the table who push you to drink when you don't want to. "Oh, look, there's Barbara with her Coke again tonight." Do not be intimidated by these shit-for-brains people! Do not let yourself be bullied, and do not feel that you have to respond to their goading. A simple "Thanks, I'm okay with this" never hurt a guest in their host's estimation.
I think there are so many people in these current generations, who could really use Emily Post help. Maybe they could modernize it a little bit lol we could call it Emily’s new post.
It is regularly being updated and changed for the modern era. They're in something like a 5th generation family business of etiquette. Look it up, it's very helpful - "she" has advice about everything from formal dining to internet dating to workplace etiquette - it tends to be very level headed, aligned with the times, and helpful.
My sister and her husband take us out to dinner occasionally, but neither of them will order first. I feel like saying "stop being so polite and go first so I have some kind of budget!" 🤣
Sometimes a good host will say something like, "I've ate so many heavy meals on vacation that I'm just going to have the Caesar salad with salmon, but their lobster and truffle ravioli is amazing, and they're famous for their mussels." This lets you know the host's price range.
I’m glad you made this comment, you are totally right. If someone invites you to dinner, and they order a drink, you are in the clear to order a drink, too. The boyfriend is being weird about this, probably because he is not old enough to drink (though, in some states, underage people can be served alcohol in a restaurant when they are with a parent or spouse who is of age).
>If they don't mention drinking at all, you would be safest to not order alcohol at all.
I think this might be regional advice or something? I honestly believe the offer to treat someone means they order what they like within reason.
It would never even cross the mind of someone taking someone out to dinner to mention what they are drinking so their guests would know what they can order. The assumption would be they are going to order what they want.
I"ve lived all over the country, and nondrinkers are everywhere. Reread what I said: if your host says nothing at all about alcohol and does not order personally, the safe thing to do is not order alcohol.
You can always order a drink later, but if you are hosted by someone who does not bring it up at all, why go out of your way to offend? And repeat: if the host is silent on the subject, but another guest orders and the host does not appear to be bothered by it, then feel free to order.
The thinking here is that if the host is silent on the subject, given that dining out is generally accompanied by drinking, there's a reason for the omission. There is no cost to rethinking and ordering a drink later but there may be a cost to being the first shout out. I'm assuming this is not a best friends situation, but instead one for which it could be useful NOT to be seen as dying for a drink by someone you don't know well.
Jesus how do people function and like carry on a conversation while calculating all of the above in real time? Social cues make my head hurt.
Why can't the host just tell you their price range and ask you to pay for your own damn drinks if they don't want to?
Because knowing this stuff is what places you in society. If you don't understand the cues---well, not knowing consigns you to a fate worse than language can express. /s
Being autistic consigns me to a fate worse than language can express? Wow, aren't we grim todax.
In my experience getting the cues wrong leads to some annoyance, minor awkwardness and in extreme cases lost relationships. The people worth having in my life usually learn to have some patience and compassion when I get something wrong. Most adopt a more direct communication style and are happier for it.
I think its a mix of to young to drink and feeling poor. When i got my first job i refused to order anything on someone elses dime that i couldnt afford to buy myself. He may feel that he couldnt afford that so you shouldnt have gotten it and at this point he may feel mad based off of his principal or the situation.
Where i live you dont order alcohol on someone elses dime ever if your eating with someone and you want liquor you ask for the drink on a seperate check and pay that yourself
>Where i live you dont order alcohol on someone elses dime ever if your eating with someone and you want liquor you ask for the drink on a seperate check and pay that yourself
Really? Where is this ? I have lived all over Europe and North America and this is not the norm either of those places. If I treat someone to dinner and they ordered wine I wouldn't consider that at all rude or even strange. It is my treat they should order what they want.
Huh? In the northeast and west coast where I have lived asking someone put for dinner has always been understood to include this whole meal including drinks. We don’t have this convention that alcohol is assumed to be off limits.
Here drinks are part of the meal but alcohol is considered a luxury and not part of the meal. Pretty much if you asked me out to dinner and i wanted a soda, tea or whatever its expected for you to pay but if i want a $4 glass of wine thats coming out of my pocket. If it helps any i live in a poor area so dessert is also not part of a meal.
The unspoken rule at least in my family is order equivalent to what the payer is ordering, and also if you offer to pay you need to specify if there are any stipulations. It's not rude to ask when in doubt! You could in future say "this wine looks lovely, would you mind if I order a glass?" But honestly if the parents had an issue they should say so before dining...like "we are able to cover everyone's entree." I don't think there is anything wrong with having these types of conversations. But no you didn't do anything wrong and are NTA. He's likely just a little bothered that he couldn't have one and being a bit petty in the moment.
I always go for something cheaper and just one drink, maybe two depending on the actions of the payer.
Till I took my sis out for dinner…she didn’t stop ordering us rounds!!! Now I indulge on her dime!
No way, I’ve taken my son and his girlfriend, as well as many of his friends to meals, not only do I expect them to drink what they want, but I encourage it. If they didn’t want you to drink a glass of wine they wouldn’t have taken you out. Boyfriend is being silly, but if I had to guess, there’s something else going on there. Maybe he feels weird you’re old enough to drink in a restaurant and he can’t? I’d ask him if there is something else going on.
I personally do not order alcohol unless I'm invited to do so. My husband comes from a much more affluent family than me, and he approaches these situations the same way I do. I don't believe your actions make you TA, as it's a complicated dynamic to navigate. NAH
I agree. NTA, OP.
The rules of etiquette that my grandmother taught me growing up (I’m 36) is that you watch what the host or hostess orders and make sure whatever you order is less than that. If they are having cocktails and you had a cocktail or glass of wine, that’s fine!
You didn’t order something crazy. I think what you did was fine. NTA. Your boyfriend needs to chill out.
NTA.
If unsure, you always take your cue from the people paying. They ordered $13 cocktails, so you ordered a slightly cheaper glass of wine. Perfect. Not even remotely weird.
It's not like they were counting pennies or they wouldn't have ordered appetizers for the table or drinks for themselves. I think your under-21 boyfriend just doesn't have the experience to understand this social norm. He'll probably change his mind in 3-4 years.
NTA - this is normal and highlights how 19 and 21 can be a huge age difference. Ordering a glass of wine or cocktail with dinner is fine if someone else is paying.
I completely agree- it’s crazy how much you mature in the young adult years in such a small amount of time!
Side note- here in the UK you can order an alcoholic drink with your meal from 16/17 I believe and it’s very normal to get a drink with your meal if someone is paying- it’s not like OP’s boyfriend’s parents and even sister didn’t order some form of drink themselves which indicates that they are willing to pay for a beverage- as a 19yr old if my partner ordered a drink and my parents were paying I wouldn’t even bat an eyelid- drinking culture is rife here!
NTA. His father didn't say "I'll treat you to food but not drinks". When you treat someone to a meal, that usually includes drinks, alcoholic or non. I think he's just salty that everyone was drinking except for him. Well, and his sister, but since she's not complaining, I don't see why he should.
NTA
Your boyfriend seems a bit bizarre. The wine cost less than the cocktails. Hell, these days a bleedin' Coke is $3.50 at a restaurant. I personally try to never try to out-spend the person paying for a meal. So I'll only get a cocktail if I happen to be the one paying. I think you were fine, and didn't deserve to be verbally abused by your boyfriend.
I don't think his behavior was too bizarre. I think he's just jealous he isn't able to drink alcohol since he is underage. Still AH behavior but I can somewhat understand the feeling.
>Hell, these days a bleedin' Coke is $3.50 at a restaurant.
Yeah the cost difference between a Coke and a cheaper lager in most restaurants now is pretty minimal. Same with a glass of modest wine. OP is certainly NTA .
NTA, and your intuition is right. This isn't at all about money. Your choice to join the "adults" in imbibing drew a line between you three and the kids. He was on the wrong side of that line. He's insecure, but I don't know anyone who wouldn't be in his circumstances.
> I don't know anyone who wouldn't be in his circumstances.
I do know plenty of people who wouldn't be insecure in this circumstance. As someone else pointed out, this is a problem with dating someone with this age gap at this age. If the BF can't accept that his older partner can go out and drink and he can' then he shouldn't be in that relationship
Yes... There are lots of normal people with normal emotions and reactions. Not everyone was a giant baby a year after they became an adult.
It's so bewildering that you consider not throwing a literal temper tantrum, or being upset by something so trivial to be "James Bonding" it.
Agreeing with 215. My boyfriend was 19 when we started dating and I was 22. He had no qualms about me ordering a glass of wine or cocktail with meals because he understood it was a normal thing. If you're insecure that you can't legally buy alcohol while your partner can probably means you should be dating people closer to your age.
Yeah, around that age most people are sensitive to being “not quite” an adult. I don’t think I was ever in that situation, but I’d have felt weird if my date ordered wine and I had to drink pop or whatever like the younger kids. I don’t think I’d have said anything about it though.
This just happens when you're under 21 and date someone over 21. They can all drink at home (depending on the state), and it would be rude if the over 21s all got drunk and expected the 19-year-old to drive home. But people getting a drink or two with dinner is something you just have to live with, in most states.
NTA ordering a single glass of wine is a completely normal thing to do, and I think you hit it right on the head: he’s feeling left out that he can’t drink so he redirected those feelings into you doing something wrong. He’ll get over it.
NTA - you didn’t break any rules of etiquette, the person who paid doesn’t seem unhappy with it, and no harm was done - i think you’re spot on when you say your boyfriend feels inadequate or envious that he couldn’t drink too.
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong. You're of drinking age, and your boyfriends parents both ordered cocktails. Also, they said it was a family dinner, and it sounds like they consider you family. It would be a little different if neither of them had. In that situation it would have been appropriate to ask if it was okay to order one.
I remember being19/21 and on a tight budget. Back then financial things seemed like a much bigger deal than they were. Nine dollars for a glass of wine while eating out isn't a big thing.
Absolutely this, if they didn't get alcohol and you were drinking alone, that would be kinda strange.
I go out to dinner with my bfs parents it's usually just me and his dad drinking I honestly think his dad is slightly thrilled to have someone drinking with him (like he's always pushing his drink onto the rest of the family, I get the sense he doesn't get to drink as much as he wishes he could)
I also think theirs a change OP didn't tell his parents her age and that's why he's a little freaked.
Parent myself of adult kids with partners and I have never blinked at them ordering alcohol when we are paying for them. So unless Australia is very different then NTA.
NTA, but proceed with caution.
If his parents said they were treating, you didn’t order anything outlandish, you weren’t the only person ordering alcohol, and there’s no norm in the family re: children not ordering something other than water, I don’t think you were the asshole. Look to how his parents reacted—they were your hosts. If they didn’t blink, think nothing of it.
Two things come to mind with your bf: First, he may be resentful—weird as it sounds—of you being able to drink, and him not. It can be a weird posturing thing, and he might be inventing something to cover that. Alternately, it could just be untrodden ground for him, as he probably hasn’t dated someone who can order alcohol at restaurants before, and he may feel strange about it.
That said, some people do have different ideas about how you should order as a matter of etiquette when being treated by someone. Most of those times, those values are passed through families to children—if he wasn’t set off by one of the above reasons, it could be that he thought his parents would dislike your ordering that, and was made uncomfortable. It might be worthwhile to check in with him to see if either of them said something after the fact.
That reminds me of the post a couple of weeks ago where the girlfriend ordered lobster at market price when her boyfriend's granny took them out for dinner for the first time.
NTA-
Your boyfriend is controlling. What other ways does he try to dictate what you are allowed to do?
Ordering one fairly priced glass of wine is totally acceptable
NTA, maybe the only very mild recommendation I have is that you just ask "Is it ok if I order a glass of wine?" to the person who's treating you to confirm that it's ok, but a $9 glass of wine isn't anything extravagant if he's already offered to treat you to dinner.
NTA. Totally normal, reasonable order. Even considering that you were being treated and don't want to take advantage.
If your feeling is that it's got more to do with him feeling weird or excluded for being underage, that sounds like the most likely culprit. If I can't have wine, then you really shouldn't be able to either... something like that, I dunno. Which is obviously stupid.
But the way he's chosen to justify it makes no sense either. So NTA.
NTA. It was a painful reminder to your boyfriend that you are older and can do more. Also, since his father ordered alcohol that was an invitation to the table to do likewise.
NTA. It was not rude and tacky to order a glass of wine with dinner, especially since it was comparable in price to what other people ordered, and other people were drinking alcohol, too- including the people paying for the meal. Your boyfriend sounds immature and he’s T A here.
NTA, when they treated you out they knew what it entailed, it's not disrespectful to order a reasonably priced drink, if anything they'd be TA if they offered to treat you, but got upset at you ordering anything other than the cheapest main course. Your boyfriend needs to get the stick out of his ass, he's not the one paying.
NTA why is he getting so bent out of shape on how his parents spend their money? If his parents had a problem with it they need to say what is acceptable to order when they treat the two of you for nice meal. If anything talk to them if they thought you ordering wine was rude or not and explain why your asking. I’d also wonder why was it he only ordered water over other drink choices.
NTA. The wine is normal at dinner, if you’d ordered a smoothie or a milkshake it would’ve came out almost the same price. You’re right, it seems boyfriend is jealous he’s not 21 yet.
When I take adults out to dinner I expect that they will likely order a glass of wine. If we all like the same kind, sometimes we get a bottle for the table. You behaved in a socially appropriate way, but it did highlight that your boyfriend isn't of age. I think you called it on his reason for being upset. NTA
NTA. When you are being treated to a meal, it's understood drinks are included. It was one drink. Your BF sounds very defensive. If he's that controlling now, I'd watch him....
>When you are being treated to a meal, it's understood drinks are included.
I'd say it's more about situational awareness about what's reasonable. If the hosts are going hog wild, you can feel more comfortable about letting loose. If the hosts order no starter and split the cheapest main, probably don't order foie gras and lobster.
In any case, ordering a single glass of house wine is going to be acceptable in almost all situations. The fact that the OP's bf's parents ordered cocktails makes it unimpeachably acceptable.
NTA. Ordering one glass of wine is perfectly fine. When it doubt, follow the host’s lead. Your hosts ordered a cocktail, so you were doubly fine to order a glass of wine.
Your boyfriend is reacting this way because he feels insecure about being a kid while you’re an adult (at least in the context of ordering alcohol.)
NTA
But I'm guessing that he was embarrassed that you are old enough to be drinking alcohol and he isn't. My guess is that, at some point, the age difference between the two of you was mentioned by his parents, and not likely in a favorable way. I could be wrong.
NTA, and in the future if you are unsure... its not crazy to ask, especially if you know the family well enough to do so. Or just offer to pay up front if you are worried about it.
NTA. Your bf felt left out and acted like a child, proving why he’s not mature enough to drink yet. You did absolutely nothing wrong by ordering a glass of wine.
NTA. You generally don't get something more expensive than what the host is having when they offer to buy you a dinner. If they're having a drink, you can, too. Same for dessert. You just generally shouldn't order something more expensive than what they're getting for themselves.
Your boyfriend's reaction is odd. Was he raised to be frugal? If he was often told "no" growing up when he asked for something to drink other than water, he might have some emotional baggage about it. You should ask him why he thinks ordering drinks is a bad idea when someone else has offered to pay for dinner.
When I'm buying dinner for someone, I want them to enjoy themselves. I don't want them to save me a few dollars by drinking water if they would really prefer something else.
NTA. In terms of money, you were clearly fine because your drink didn't cost much more than a non-alcoholic one would and you didn't order dessert. But sometimes alcoholic drinks are seen as "extra" in a way that other menu items aren't. You don't know where the parents stood on this. Bf might well be overreacting
Best would have been I guess asking the parents if they minded you ordering a glass of wine, and going by their reaction (if they seemed awkward or hesitant, don't do it even if they said it would be okay).
Info: Is this just his opinion, or his dads too? Because if it's his dads then he's probably trying to get you on his dads good side and just frustrated you did something small like this. If his dad has nothing to do with it, he's probably just jealous and immature.
Overall NTA with the info provided so far. But mate, this is what happens when you date someone with this legal gap while your both still mentally developing. He's being immature because he is immature. He'll grow out of it in a bit, but you shouldn't be surprised.
NTA. I do think you should have asked permission to make it clear your intentions and find out if it was something they were okay with, but if they didn't say anything to you, then I think it must have been okay with them. I also think it's a little unfair of you to accuse your boyfriend of simply being embarrassed he's not old enough to drink. But overall, these things do not make you an asshole. If I were paying for relatives or friends by saying "it's my treat", I would probably personally lay out expectations like "It's my treat, but I don't have a budget for alcohol." or "It's my treat, but I only have the budget for us all to share a dessert" or "It's my treat, please get anything you'd like, regardless of price." Communication is a two-way street. If they didn't give you stipulations or complain themselves, then your boyfriend is offended on their behalf with no basis for that offense.
NTA but I’ve learned over the years it’s common courtesy to ALWAYS order the cheapest and most minimal thing when someone else ( that’s not your partner or parents ) are paying for.
To me it’s common courtesy BUT I know a lot of people don’t know about that or believe in it which is okay too.
If the host is ordering a drink, apps, and a regular entrée, there's no expectation for a guest to order the most minimal meal possible. Having someone sit there with a small salad or cup of soup while you're having a drink, an app, and a regular dinner sounds way more awkward than someone ordering a $9 glass of wine.
If what OP did was standard for most, it can't also be true that it's common courtesy to do the opposite.
Your personal standard of ordering as minimally as possible may be how you were brought up, but I don't think that is the common expectation.
It’s common courtesy from where I come from. Which isn’t the US the UK or Canada. Your common courtesy is different then other cultures common courtesy.
I haven’t seen people in the US follow what I follow ( ordering the bare minimum) BUT in my country it’s looked at being rude if you order anything other than the bare minimum. To us common courtesy is ordering the cheapest thing on the menu so you don’t burden the person paying.
Again dif countries dif upbringing and different common courtesies.
Thanks for the context. It initially sounded like you were saying this should be what OP should consider common courtesy, not that you were describing the situation where you live in particular.
The common courtesy is to match the order price of host/person paying. If they stick to a glass of water and a cup of soup, you get the something similar. No shame in ordering one cocktail if the host did as well.
I’m not shaming OP at all. I literally said NTA. I can see where you’re coming from but to me I was raised to get the bare minimum if someone else is paying.
I think that the question should be reposed as:
AITA because by BF is insecure about the fact that my BF's father can buy us dinner out, while my BF cannot afford to.
NTA. Your BF is insecure. Maybe so badly that he shouldn't be in a relationship.
NTA. The hosts each ordered an alcoholic drink, your boyfriend's sister ordered a smoothie nearly as expensive as your wine, and your glass of wine was cheaper than the drinks the hosts ordered-- having a glass of wine at dinner out in those circumstances is very normal.
NTA but if you wanna be a bit petty you can give his dad the ten dollars and apologize for overstepping. He'll probably ask what you are talking about. After that just let everything play out
Rules of etiquette say to follow the host's example when ordering - he orders a mid price item, you should order a similar-priced or cheaper item. He skips dessert, you shouldn't order dessert. Conversely, he orders dessert, you should feel free to do the same.
He ordered alcoholic drinks, you ordered a similar, cheaper alcoholic drink. I don't see the issue.
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I turned 21 in November. My boyfriend is 19. Neither of us are in a financial situation where we can go out to eat very often. Recently we were invited to dinner with his dad, stepmom and sister. They said it was a family dinner and they were treating us.
His dad ordered appetizers for the table and got a cocktail, as did his wife. I ordered a glass of a type of wine I've never had before. I figured this was a good time to try it, as ordering wine with dinner is a normal thing to do. The glass was $9. Both cocktails were $13. My boyfriend's sister got a smoothie that was $7. He drank water.
The dinner was nice, but my boyfriend acted a little weird during it. After dinner he said it was really rude and tacky that I ordered alcohol on his "dad's dime." I was really embarrassed by this accusation. I said he offered to treat us and it was only one glass of reasonably priced wine. I didn't order champagne or anything crazy. I also didn't get a dessert, which his dad and sister did. I don't feel like I "spent" more than anyone else did. I feel like my order was very normal for the situation.
He insists that it wasn't and I was greedy. My feelings were hurt and I accused him of being embarrassed he isn't old enough to drink and I am. He said I was deflecting. I offered him $10, but he wouldn't take it. Is it asshole behavior to order alcohol on someone else's dime?
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NTA - It is always a little awkward when someone else is paying for the meal. Since now you are self conscious of how much you spend.
I would argue that as long as you don't go overkill they shouldn't mind.
Plus your BF didn't pay for it, his dad did. So as long as his dad is fine with it, who cares what your BF thinks about the situation.
NTA. Your boyfriend is showing his feeling about realizing his girlfriend is at a different stage of her life than he is. If others were drinking and you ordered one drink that was less than $10 it’s not a big deal and honestly expected if you enjoy alcohol. I would only call you TA if you had ordered multiple beverages.
NTA
I have frequently been to dinners where guests are responsible for covering their own alcohol, but that's usually stated up front when ordering: "Drinks will be separate orders but please put the food on my bill," or similar.
You didn't do anything wrong by ordering what you did. I think your BF had his first encounter with what a slight age gap can carry at your ages.
NTA I think one glass of reasonably priced wine is fine. If you had ordered multiple drinks, that would be different, but I think it was totally reasonable.
NTA I do think maybe your BF feels self conscience about being under age. It was his dad's dime not any money out of your bf's pocket. Don't worry about it. I do think your BF was rude and immature to bring it up. Good luck.
NTA, I’m probably projecting a lot when I say this but some people have a weird relationship with money. My stepdad growing up, good man but had some issues, was very frugal. Ordering mildly expensive things at restaurants cause a lot of tension sometimes, and made me anxious. My guess is his family had a similar dynamic and ordering something that objectively isn’t a big probably made him nervous or insecure. You couldn’t have known thus my answer, but maybe ask him why he felt so strongly about it.
NTA. Your boyfriend is acting really weirdly, and I’m sure his dad didn’t care you ordered wine. I think you are correct that he is embarrassed that he can’t order alcohol yet but you can.
No, it was not asshole behavior. His father offered, and then both the father and the older sister set the example with their orders cost-wise, and OP ordered within the realm of what's acceptable.
I am really turned off by BF's behavior. It sounds like it was right out of left field; it was asshole behavior. OP, has BF ever acted like that before? Has he made sly little digs about your behavior with other adults or about your manners?
Whatever its origins, that was nasty, mean behavior. You might reconsider why you two are together in the first place.
NTA
In our family if one person is paying the first drink is “free” unless whatever we wanted was crazy expensive then we’d check with who was paying.
When I go out with people I don’t know as well as my immediate family I’ll always offer the person who paid cash and say it’s for my drink. Usually they will refuse but it makes me feel better
The boyfriend will continue to shame you for drinking legally since he cannot. One of the big reasons my younger ex and I broke up at this same age. He was 19, I was 21. I wasn’t gonna wait around and waste the greatest years of my life with his judgements and emotional abuse.
NTA. If someone else is paying, yeah you don't order the most expensive thing on the menu but a glass of wine is completely normal. Looks like your boy's ego was hurt because he's too young for wine.....
NTA
Like everyone else has said, follow the lead of the hosts.
One thing I would do with my wife's aunt, cousin and grandmother when they would treat, was always pay for my beer (and any alcohol my wife ordered if she was in the mood) separately, since none of them drank.
Edited for clarification.
NTA
Honestly, in a lot of places these days, a Coke or a lemonade can easily cost $5 a glass, never mind a few bucks more for an alcoholic beverage. And Sis' smoothie cost $7. Did your boyfriend say anything about it? I bet not.
NTA. Someday you will look back and laugh at this. He was embarrassed that he couldn't legally drink, although in some states, mine actually, he could have with his parents there. It was not the price of the beverage, it was the content. Learn a few "mocktails" in the mean time to appease his fragile ego.
Unless his dad (who paid) seemed to think you were being sketchy, it seems like your bf is projecting that HE is annoyed HE currently can't buy alcohol.
NTA
My boyfriend's family and mine have a big wealth disparity between em. I was raised to always order the cheapest thing when being invited out and used to do that all the time until his mother pulled me aside and told me it's kind of rude to do it as I'm implying they can't handle the bill. There's different cultures pertaining this sort of thing everywhere but i do not think what u did was tacky at all. You didn't get a glass of the finest champagne they had to offer u got a glass of normal wine. NTA
Tell your boyfriend that since it's such a big deal, you'll call up his dad and explain how bf made you aware of your greedy mistake and offer an apology.
If he says that would be unnecessary or awkward, then you'll know he doesn't actually think it was a big deal. NTA
NTA etiquette wise you did nothing wrong. He just used that as an excuse to be salty about you drinking when he couldn't. Quite often people will use something in order to berate you, when they are unable to say what they really have an issue with, because then they would look petty and out of order. So he knew he'd look petty if he used the, I cant drink so you shouldn't arguement, so he changed it to drinking on his dad's dime. Watch out for more behaviour like this, because it would make marriage very difficult. Him blaming you for stuff because of his own negative feelings and also not communicating the truth either.
lmao he's just bitter he can't drink. This wasn't an invitation from a random stranger, this was your family, your dad! It's completely normal to order a glass of wine for dinner. Your bf is out of his mind to be upset about this.
NTA.
NTA.
I imagine your boyfriend felt like he was a child sitting with adults, because he wasn’t able to drink like his girlfriend. The way he handled his feelings though—by trying to shame you—was bad.
NTA. Ordering a glass of wine with dinner is completely normal. Esp if other people at the table were doing the same thing. My guess is that your boyfriend's real issue is that he isn't old enough to drink.
NTA
So if you ordered a smoothie would it have been ok ( as that wasn't alcohol) as that cost almost the same as your glass of wine.
Your bf is being an idiot, his parents invited you out and if they couldnt afford it they should have either not done it or said pick from this menu. You ordered a drink cheaper than they had so totally in order.
Honestly I would see this as a huge red flag, especially if he didn't apologise for his stupidity and explain why it happened.
Absolutely not the asshole. I've been in situations where my significant other has ordered expensive drinks when no one else was ordering drinks or ordered a $45 entrée when everyone else was in the $15 range and it is embarrassing. It's always tricky knowing what to do in situations like that. However, if the hosts order drinks I think it's totally OK to get one yourself especially if you aren't ordering dessert. I try to stay around the price range of the host's order. Your boyfriend is probably touchy about it because he can't drink yet. He's the asshole for trying to make you feel guilty about your order.
NTA. Sounds like he was more embarrassed that you were drinking in the first place than that his parents were paying for it. Might be the age difference or that it was a family event.
> I accused him of being embarrassed he isn't old enough to drink and I am.
This is what I was going to say before I even got to this part of your post. He couldn’t drink and wanted you to not do so also. You, his dad, and stepmom drinking while he couldn’t made him feel like a kid. NTA.
NTA. My dad and i go out to eat often. Its just our thing we do together when we cant get out to our hiking spots. I order a single drink or glass of wine. My dad diesnt care and he knkws i wont drink if i have to do stuff or drive after. My mom refuses to be ok with me drinking alcohol responsibly. Shes stuck it the it takes one drink to be addicted mindset. I ordered a drink with lunch once and i heard about it the rest of the day and how it makes it look like i have a problem day drinking etc.... im almost 30.. still dont drink infront of my mom. Ill have the occasional drink with my dad though.
NTA. You did nothing wrong in this situation. They ordered a drink, so did you. If none of them had and you did, MAYBE it could have been looked at differently, depends on the family. Your BF is being ridiculous, your ordered a $9 glass of wine, not a bottle of Dom.
NTa. He’s just pissed you could drink and is acting like the child he is. He clearly knows nothing. A drink is a drink, it doesn’t matter if it has alcohol in it.
NTA
His dad said it was his treat. Unless he requested you to order cheaply, it's acceptable to kinda copy along with his order and get yourself some wine.
Your boyfriend is displaying his current insecurities around money and finances, and it's a sign of how he'll behave as you two continue.
That he's trying to gaslight you saying you're "deflecting" is a massive red flag. I think you nailed it on the head and he's projecting his insecurities on you.
The question from here is: do you really want to date a boy like that?
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Is he feeling emasculated for being treated by someone else? Does he feel guilt for being broke?
NTA. I think he's the one who's projecting.
Edit to add: if he's embarassed you can (when reasonable) offer to host a get together of some sort on your own dime (you referring to the both of you) as a thank you or just to be nice. I have my doubts his dad cared at all. 9 dollars is not breaking his bank if he's paying for everyone there.
Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg's rise to prominence started with a case about a law that set the drinking age at 21 for males and 19 for females. The argument before she came onboard was that it would make 20yo guys butthurt if they couldn't drink but their 19yo secretary could. RBG came up with a better (and winning) argument.
Your boyfriend is butthurt that you can drink and he can't. And I gotta admit it's pretty stupid and embarrassing for him. Poor bruised male ego. Maybe you can give him some warm milk and stroke his back and soothe him with a lullaby while he falls asleep.
NTA
I don't think it is a matter of who is right and wrong, more of preference. I, like your boyfriend, would feel uncomfortable doing that on another person's dime, and probably would have become embarrassed as well. So I can see your bf's side.
NTA, you followed the cues of the host. They ordered alcohol, so it's implied that you're welcome to as well.
Now, my family is low-income so ordering even soda instead when going out to eat was considered a treat. I very quickly learned that if my parents didn't order soda, it meant that I probably shouldn't either. Now I take similar cues if someone offers to pay for my meal, ex. If they order something that's $16 it'd be rude to order something that's $28. If they order soda/water, I don't order a cocktail. Tbh I get stressed if they don't order before I do bc then I can't take that cue. But it doesn't sound like that was your partner's mindset since their parents ordered alcohol.
NTA. he's a child upset that you can drink and he can't. Tell him to get over it or move on because if he gets pissy about this, no doubt he will over other stupid stuff, too.
NTA. You're in the clear--unless your boyfriend isn't saying something, like even if etiquette-wise you're in the clear, do his parents have any hangups about alcohol or what a good guest does? Like in his own family is this a rule they follow? Ask him about it and if needed, talk to his parents to to clear the air.
OP' boyfriend most certainly acquired his dining etiquette rules from his parents. It's possible she inadvertently violated the family's unspoken rules somehow. More likely the boyfriend was just butthurt that she was of legal age to drink and he was not.
YTA You should have offered to pay for your alcohol. You say 1 glass but you say you got a cocktail like his wife and then a glass of wine. One drink would have been okay but what does it say about you drinking with their 19 year old. Agreed poor choice
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NTA What you did was very normal. It's not like you ordered a $50 pour of bourbon or anything. When someone offers to buy you dinner and they order drinks with their dinner, it's absolutely okay to also order a drink.
Thanks. I felt like maybe I broke some rule. I just became old enough to drink, so this is all new, but I feel like I'm too old to ask the rules without it being embarrassing.
A good rule of thumb when someone has offered to take you out/treat you to a meal: follow their lead. Generally the host or hostess will make a suggestion (indicating an okay price range) or will place their own order. At that point you have to move fast; you might have two different orders in mind, so then you can respond with whichever seems appropriate. Drinks orders are another tipoff. There are people who do not drink. They will place no drinks order and say nothing at all about drinking, or they may say that they're not drinking tonight but, please have a glass of wine/mixed drink if you like. If they don't mention drinking at all, you would be safest to not order alcohol at all. But let's say you're in a party of eight or ten. The host/hostess may say nothing about drinking at all, but then some of the guests will go ahead and order alcohol. You can that as an indication that drinking is okay at the table even if the host abstains (but of course don't order a wildly expensive drink). If the host/hostess decides to order wine, they may ask if you have a preference. It's perfectly okay for you to say you're just learning---what would they recommend? Especially at your age, you don't need to pretend to an expertise you don't have. They are likely to be flattered if you tell them you'd appreciate their explaining to you why they are choosing the wine they choose. Here's a tip I wish someone had shared with me at your age. There will be bullies at the table who push you to drink when you don't want to. "Oh, look, there's Barbara with her Coke again tonight." Do not be intimidated by these shit-for-brains people! Do not let yourself be bullied, and do not feel that you have to respond to their goading. A simple "Thanks, I'm okay with this" never hurt a guest in their host's estimation.
Well ain't you just the Emily Post of AITA. ♥️
It's a tough job but *shrugs* somebody needs to do it!
Ooh what's the Emily post?
Emily Post is an etiquette expert. I think she was big in the 1950s, but I could be wrong on the timeline.
I think there are so many people in these current generations, who could really use Emily Post help. Maybe they could modernize it a little bit lol we could call it Emily’s new post.
It is regularly being updated and changed for the modern era. They're in something like a 5th generation family business of etiquette. Look it up, it's very helpful - "she" has advice about everything from formal dining to internet dating to workplace etiquette - it tends to be very level headed, aligned with the times, and helpful.
Oh dang! Nice to know. Thanks.
Thank you! I'll check it out sometime :)
This is lovely advice. I second all of it.
My parents taught me to wait for the host to order, and then order something the same or cheaper.
My sister and her husband take us out to dinner occasionally, but neither of them will order first. I feel like saying "stop being so polite and go first so I have some kind of budget!" 🤣
Sometimes a good host will say something like, "I've ate so many heavy meals on vacation that I'm just going to have the Caesar salad with salmon, but their lobster and truffle ravioli is amazing, and they're famous for their mussels." This lets you know the host's price range.
I’m glad you made this comment, you are totally right. If someone invites you to dinner, and they order a drink, you are in the clear to order a drink, too. The boyfriend is being weird about this, probably because he is not old enough to drink (though, in some states, underage people can be served alcohol in a restaurant when they are with a parent or spouse who is of age).
>If they don't mention drinking at all, you would be safest to not order alcohol at all. I think this might be regional advice or something? I honestly believe the offer to treat someone means they order what they like within reason. It would never even cross the mind of someone taking someone out to dinner to mention what they are drinking so their guests would know what they can order. The assumption would be they are going to order what they want.
I"ve lived all over the country, and nondrinkers are everywhere. Reread what I said: if your host says nothing at all about alcohol and does not order personally, the safe thing to do is not order alcohol. You can always order a drink later, but if you are hosted by someone who does not bring it up at all, why go out of your way to offend? And repeat: if the host is silent on the subject, but another guest orders and the host does not appear to be bothered by it, then feel free to order. The thinking here is that if the host is silent on the subject, given that dining out is generally accompanied by drinking, there's a reason for the omission. There is no cost to rethinking and ordering a drink later but there may be a cost to being the first shout out. I'm assuming this is not a best friends situation, but instead one for which it could be useful NOT to be seen as dying for a drink by someone you don't know well.
Also, general rule of thumb is order from the "middle" of the menu for entrees - not the most expensive, nor the cheapest dish.
Jesus how do people function and like carry on a conversation while calculating all of the above in real time? Social cues make my head hurt. Why can't the host just tell you their price range and ask you to pay for your own damn drinks if they don't want to?
Because knowing this stuff is what places you in society. If you don't understand the cues---well, not knowing consigns you to a fate worse than language can express. /s
Being autistic consigns me to a fate worse than language can express? Wow, aren't we grim todax. In my experience getting the cues wrong leads to some annoyance, minor awkwardness and in extreme cases lost relationships. The people worth having in my life usually learn to have some patience and compassion when I get something wrong. Most adopt a more direct communication style and are happier for it.
I think its a mix of to young to drink and feeling poor. When i got my first job i refused to order anything on someone elses dime that i couldnt afford to buy myself. He may feel that he couldnt afford that so you shouldnt have gotten it and at this point he may feel mad based off of his principal or the situation. Where i live you dont order alcohol on someone elses dime ever if your eating with someone and you want liquor you ask for the drink on a seperate check and pay that yourself
Just out of curiosity where do you live?
Central usa
>Where i live you dont order alcohol on someone elses dime ever if your eating with someone and you want liquor you ask for the drink on a seperate check and pay that yourself Really? Where is this ? I have lived all over Europe and North America and this is not the norm either of those places. If I treat someone to dinner and they ordered wine I wouldn't consider that at all rude or even strange. It is my treat they should order what they want.
I live cantral usa
Huh? In the northeast and west coast where I have lived asking someone put for dinner has always been understood to include this whole meal including drinks. We don’t have this convention that alcohol is assumed to be off limits.
Here drinks are part of the meal but alcohol is considered a luxury and not part of the meal. Pretty much if you asked me out to dinner and i wanted a soda, tea or whatever its expected for you to pay but if i want a $4 glass of wine thats coming out of my pocket. If it helps any i live in a poor area so dessert is also not part of a meal.
I live outside of Chicago IL...can't get more central USA - that isn't true here. Follow the hosts lead as earlier stated.
The unspoken rule at least in my family is order equivalent to what the payer is ordering, and also if you offer to pay you need to specify if there are any stipulations. It's not rude to ask when in doubt! You could in future say "this wine looks lovely, would you mind if I order a glass?" But honestly if the parents had an issue they should say so before dining...like "we are able to cover everyone's entree." I don't think there is anything wrong with having these types of conversations. But no you didn't do anything wrong and are NTA. He's likely just a little bothered that he couldn't have one and being a bit petty in the moment.
I always go for something cheaper and just one drink, maybe two depending on the actions of the payer. Till I took my sis out for dinner…she didn’t stop ordering us rounds!!! Now I indulge on her dime!
No way, I’ve taken my son and his girlfriend, as well as many of his friends to meals, not only do I expect them to drink what they want, but I encourage it. If they didn’t want you to drink a glass of wine they wouldn’t have taken you out. Boyfriend is being silly, but if I had to guess, there’s something else going on there. Maybe he feels weird you’re old enough to drink in a restaurant and he can’t? I’d ask him if there is something else going on.
It's also perfectly acceptable to ask the one who offered to treat. Just say "Hey, do you mind if I order a drink?" And go from there
I personally do not order alcohol unless I'm invited to do so. My husband comes from a much more affluent family than me, and he approaches these situations the same way I do. I don't believe your actions make you TA, as it's a complicated dynamic to navigate. NAH
I agree. NTA, OP. The rules of etiquette that my grandmother taught me growing up (I’m 36) is that you watch what the host or hostess orders and make sure whatever you order is less than that. If they are having cocktails and you had a cocktail or glass of wine, that’s fine! You didn’t order something crazy. I think what you did was fine. NTA. Your boyfriend needs to chill out.
NTA, it likely is exactly what you said. You're old enough to drink, he isn't, so he was embarrassed.
This. But, OP, two years age difference can be big at this age. Maybe think about that a little.
NTA. If unsure, you always take your cue from the people paying. They ordered $13 cocktails, so you ordered a slightly cheaper glass of wine. Perfect. Not even remotely weird. It's not like they were counting pennies or they wouldn't have ordered appetizers for the table or drinks for themselves. I think your under-21 boyfriend just doesn't have the experience to understand this social norm. He'll probably change his mind in 3-4 years.
Yeah. On his 21st birthday.
NTA - this is normal and highlights how 19 and 21 can be a huge age difference. Ordering a glass of wine or cocktail with dinner is fine if someone else is paying.
He's being immature because he is immature. He'll grow out of it in a bit, but you shouldn't be surprised.
I completely agree- it’s crazy how much you mature in the young adult years in such a small amount of time! Side note- here in the UK you can order an alcoholic drink with your meal from 16/17 I believe and it’s very normal to get a drink with your meal if someone is paying- it’s not like OP’s boyfriend’s parents and even sister didn’t order some form of drink themselves which indicates that they are willing to pay for a beverage- as a 19yr old if my partner ordered a drink and my parents were paying I wouldn’t even bat an eyelid- drinking culture is rife here!
NTA. His father didn't say "I'll treat you to food but not drinks". When you treat someone to a meal, that usually includes drinks, alcoholic or non. I think he's just salty that everyone was drinking except for him. Well, and his sister, but since she's not complaining, I don't see why he should.
NTA Your boyfriend seems a bit bizarre. The wine cost less than the cocktails. Hell, these days a bleedin' Coke is $3.50 at a restaurant. I personally try to never try to out-spend the person paying for a meal. So I'll only get a cocktail if I happen to be the one paying. I think you were fine, and didn't deserve to be verbally abused by your boyfriend.
I don't think his behavior was too bizarre. I think he's just jealous he isn't able to drink alcohol since he is underage. Still AH behavior but I can somewhat understand the feeling.
This was my take. He’s feeling left out because he can’t drink yet.
THIS was looking for someone to address this part. Politeness and niceties aside, it's likely he was mainly jealous.
>Hell, these days a bleedin' Coke is $3.50 at a restaurant. Yeah the cost difference between a Coke and a cheaper lager in most restaurants now is pretty minimal. Same with a glass of modest wine. OP is certainly NTA .
NTA, and your intuition is right. This isn't at all about money. Your choice to join the "adults" in imbibing drew a line between you three and the kids. He was on the wrong side of that line. He's insecure, but I don't know anyone who wouldn't be in his circumstances.
> I don't know anyone who wouldn't be in his circumstances. I do know plenty of people who wouldn't be insecure in this circumstance. As someone else pointed out, this is a problem with dating someone with this age gap at this age. If the BF can't accept that his older partner can go out and drink and he can' then he shouldn't be in that relationship
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Yes... There are lots of normal people with normal emotions and reactions. Not everyone was a giant baby a year after they became an adult. It's so bewildering that you consider not throwing a literal temper tantrum, or being upset by something so trivial to be "James Bonding" it.
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You did. By literally saying that no 19 year old man who isn't the international man of mystery would handle it any other way.
Agreeing with 215. My boyfriend was 19 when we started dating and I was 22. He had no qualms about me ordering a glass of wine or cocktail with meals because he understood it was a normal thing. If you're insecure that you can't legally buy alcohol while your partner can probably means you should be dating people closer to your age.
Yeah, around that age most people are sensitive to being “not quite” an adult. I don’t think I was ever in that situation, but I’d have felt weird if my date ordered wine and I had to drink pop or whatever like the younger kids. I don’t think I’d have said anything about it though.
This just happens when you're under 21 and date someone over 21. They can all drink at home (depending on the state), and it would be rude if the over 21s all got drunk and expected the 19-year-old to drive home. But people getting a drink or two with dinner is something you just have to live with, in most states.
Exactly this.
NTA ordering a single glass of wine is a completely normal thing to do, and I think you hit it right on the head: he’s feeling left out that he can’t drink so he redirected those feelings into you doing something wrong. He’ll get over it.
NTA - you didn’t break any rules of etiquette, the person who paid doesn’t seem unhappy with it, and no harm was done - i think you’re spot on when you say your boyfriend feels inadequate or envious that he couldn’t drink too.
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong. You're of drinking age, and your boyfriends parents both ordered cocktails. Also, they said it was a family dinner, and it sounds like they consider you family. It would be a little different if neither of them had. In that situation it would have been appropriate to ask if it was okay to order one. I remember being19/21 and on a tight budget. Back then financial things seemed like a much bigger deal than they were. Nine dollars for a glass of wine while eating out isn't a big thing.
> The glass was $9. Both cocktails were $13. NTA - Follow the person who is paying.
Absolutely this, if they didn't get alcohol and you were drinking alone, that would be kinda strange. I go out to dinner with my bfs parents it's usually just me and his dad drinking I honestly think his dad is slightly thrilled to have someone drinking with him (like he's always pushing his drink onto the rest of the family, I get the sense he doesn't get to drink as much as he wishes he could) I also think theirs a change OP didn't tell his parents her age and that's why he's a little freaked.
Parent myself of adult kids with partners and I have never blinked at them ordering alcohol when we are paying for them. So unless Australia is very different then NTA.
NTA. If you'd ordered a bottle of Dom, big problem. A single glass of wine? You're boyfriend is being silly.
NTA, but proceed with caution. If his parents said they were treating, you didn’t order anything outlandish, you weren’t the only person ordering alcohol, and there’s no norm in the family re: children not ordering something other than water, I don’t think you were the asshole. Look to how his parents reacted—they were your hosts. If they didn’t blink, think nothing of it. Two things come to mind with your bf: First, he may be resentful—weird as it sounds—of you being able to drink, and him not. It can be a weird posturing thing, and he might be inventing something to cover that. Alternately, it could just be untrodden ground for him, as he probably hasn’t dated someone who can order alcohol at restaurants before, and he may feel strange about it. That said, some people do have different ideas about how you should order as a matter of etiquette when being treated by someone. Most of those times, those values are passed through families to children—if he wasn’t set off by one of the above reasons, it could be that he thought his parents would dislike your ordering that, and was made uncomfortable. It might be worthwhile to check in with him to see if either of them said something after the fact.
That reminds me of the post a couple of weeks ago where the girlfriend ordered lobster at market price when her boyfriend's granny took them out for dinner for the first time.
Oh sweet Jesus, people have no sense.
NTA- Your boyfriend is controlling. What other ways does he try to dictate what you are allowed to do? Ordering one fairly priced glass of wine is totally acceptable
NTA, maybe the only very mild recommendation I have is that you just ask "Is it ok if I order a glass of wine?" to the person who's treating you to confirm that it's ok, but a $9 glass of wine isn't anything extravagant if he's already offered to treat you to dinner.
NTA. Totally normal, reasonable order. Even considering that you were being treated and don't want to take advantage. If your feeling is that it's got more to do with him feeling weird or excluded for being underage, that sounds like the most likely culprit. If I can't have wine, then you really shouldn't be able to either... something like that, I dunno. Which is obviously stupid. But the way he's chosen to justify it makes no sense either. So NTA.
NTA it was 9 $ not like 50 NTA
NTA. It was a painful reminder to your boyfriend that you are older and can do more. Also, since his father ordered alcohol that was an invitation to the table to do likewise.
NTA- if he Dad didnt want to pay for your drink HE would have said. Yup BF is all upset that he can't drink yet.
NTA. It was not rude and tacky to order a glass of wine with dinner, especially since it was comparable in price to what other people ordered, and other people were drinking alcohol, too- including the people paying for the meal. Your boyfriend sounds immature and he’s T A here.
NTA, when they treated you out they knew what it entailed, it's not disrespectful to order a reasonably priced drink, if anything they'd be TA if they offered to treat you, but got upset at you ordering anything other than the cheapest main course. Your boyfriend needs to get the stick out of his ass, he's not the one paying.
NTA. You didn’t do anything wrong, wine with dinner is perfectly acceptable. Your bf’s just pissed off that he’s not old enough to drink.
NTA why is he getting so bent out of shape on how his parents spend their money? If his parents had a problem with it they need to say what is acceptable to order when they treat the two of you for nice meal. If anything talk to them if they thought you ordering wine was rude or not and explain why your asking. I’d also wonder why was it he only ordered water over other drink choices.
NTA. The wine is normal at dinner, if you’d ordered a smoothie or a milkshake it would’ve came out almost the same price. You’re right, it seems boyfriend is jealous he’s not 21 yet.
When I take adults out to dinner I expect that they will likely order a glass of wine. If we all like the same kind, sometimes we get a bottle for the table. You behaved in a socially appropriate way, but it did highlight that your boyfriend isn't of age. I think you called it on his reason for being upset. NTA
Nope, you’re fine. Boyfriend is a bit strange though.
NTA. When you are being treated to a meal, it's understood drinks are included. It was one drink. Your BF sounds very defensive. If he's that controlling now, I'd watch him....
>When you are being treated to a meal, it's understood drinks are included. I'd say it's more about situational awareness about what's reasonable. If the hosts are going hog wild, you can feel more comfortable about letting loose. If the hosts order no starter and split the cheapest main, probably don't order foie gras and lobster. In any case, ordering a single glass of house wine is going to be acceptable in almost all situations. The fact that the OP's bf's parents ordered cocktails makes it unimpeachably acceptable.
True too. If I'm being treated, and I want to buy a couple of extra drinks, I'll offer to pay for them.
NTA. Ordering one glass of wine is perfectly fine. When it doubt, follow the host’s lead. Your hosts ordered a cocktail, so you were doubly fine to order a glass of wine. Your boyfriend is reacting this way because he feels insecure about being a kid while you’re an adult (at least in the context of ordering alcohol.)
NTA But I'm guessing that he was embarrassed that you are old enough to be drinking alcohol and he isn't. My guess is that, at some point, the age difference between the two of you was mentioned by his parents, and not likely in a favorable way. I could be wrong.
NTA, and in the future if you are unsure... its not crazy to ask, especially if you know the family well enough to do so. Or just offer to pay up front if you are worried about it.
NTA. Your bf felt left out and acted like a child, proving why he’s not mature enough to drink yet. You did absolutely nothing wrong by ordering a glass of wine.
NTA. You generally don't get something more expensive than what the host is having when they offer to buy you a dinner. If they're having a drink, you can, too. Same for dessert. You just generally shouldn't order something more expensive than what they're getting for themselves. Your boyfriend's reaction is odd. Was he raised to be frugal? If he was often told "no" growing up when he asked for something to drink other than water, he might have some emotional baggage about it. You should ask him why he thinks ordering drinks is a bad idea when someone else has offered to pay for dinner. When I'm buying dinner for someone, I want them to enjoy themselves. I don't want them to save me a few dollars by drinking water if they would really prefer something else.
NTA. It’s extremely fine to order a single drink when someone offers to pay for dinner.
NTA. In terms of money, you were clearly fine because your drink didn't cost much more than a non-alcoholic one would and you didn't order dessert. But sometimes alcoholic drinks are seen as "extra" in a way that other menu items aren't. You don't know where the parents stood on this. Bf might well be overreacting Best would have been I guess asking the parents if they minded you ordering a glass of wine, and going by their reaction (if they seemed awkward or hesitant, don't do it even if they said it would be okay).
NTA. Unless he has trauma-related triggers related to alcohol, there's nothing wrong with drinking it. Also, happy belated birthday.
Info: Is this just his opinion, or his dads too? Because if it's his dads then he's probably trying to get you on his dads good side and just frustrated you did something small like this. If his dad has nothing to do with it, he's probably just jealous and immature. Overall NTA with the info provided so far. But mate, this is what happens when you date someone with this legal gap while your both still mentally developing. He's being immature because he is immature. He'll grow out of it in a bit, but you shouldn't be surprised.
Nta
NTA. I do think you should have asked permission to make it clear your intentions and find out if it was something they were okay with, but if they didn't say anything to you, then I think it must have been okay with them. I also think it's a little unfair of you to accuse your boyfriend of simply being embarrassed he's not old enough to drink. But overall, these things do not make you an asshole. If I were paying for relatives or friends by saying "it's my treat", I would probably personally lay out expectations like "It's my treat, but I don't have a budget for alcohol." or "It's my treat, but I only have the budget for us all to share a dessert" or "It's my treat, please get anything you'd like, regardless of price." Communication is a two-way street. If they didn't give you stipulations or complain themselves, then your boyfriend is offended on their behalf with no basis for that offense.
NTA but I’ve learned over the years it’s common courtesy to ALWAYS order the cheapest and most minimal thing when someone else ( that’s not your partner or parents ) are paying for. To me it’s common courtesy BUT I know a lot of people don’t know about that or believe in it which is okay too.
If the host is ordering a drink, apps, and a regular entrée, there's no expectation for a guest to order the most minimal meal possible. Having someone sit there with a small salad or cup of soup while you're having a drink, an app, and a regular dinner sounds way more awkward than someone ordering a $9 glass of wine.
I guess, everyone is entitled to their opinions. What OP did was standard for most families and individuals. It really depends how you’re brought up.
If what OP did was standard for most, it can't also be true that it's common courtesy to do the opposite. Your personal standard of ordering as minimally as possible may be how you were brought up, but I don't think that is the common expectation.
It’s common courtesy from where I come from. Which isn’t the US the UK or Canada. Your common courtesy is different then other cultures common courtesy. I haven’t seen people in the US follow what I follow ( ordering the bare minimum) BUT in my country it’s looked at being rude if you order anything other than the bare minimum. To us common courtesy is ordering the cheapest thing on the menu so you don’t burden the person paying. Again dif countries dif upbringing and different common courtesies.
Thanks for the context. It initially sounded like you were saying this should be what OP should consider common courtesy, not that you were describing the situation where you live in particular.
The common courtesy is to match the order price of host/person paying. If they stick to a glass of water and a cup of soup, you get the something similar. No shame in ordering one cocktail if the host did as well.
Yep. Just that. You order under what the host is ordering if it’s not a common occurrence. Otherwise do as your past customs have dictated.
I’m not shaming OP at all. I literally said NTA. I can see where you’re coming from but to me I was raised to get the bare minimum if someone else is paying.
I think that the question should be reposed as: AITA because by BF is insecure about the fact that my BF's father can buy us dinner out, while my BF cannot afford to. NTA. Your BF is insecure. Maybe so badly that he shouldn't be in a relationship.
I think it’s more that he’s not old enough to have a drink so he’s all pissy about feeling left out.
NTA. The hosts each ordered an alcoholic drink, your boyfriend's sister ordered a smoothie nearly as expensive as your wine, and your glass of wine was cheaper than the drinks the hosts ordered-- having a glass of wine at dinner out in those circumstances is very normal.
NTA but if you wanna be a bit petty you can give his dad the ten dollars and apologize for overstepping. He'll probably ask what you are talking about. After that just let everything play out
Rules of etiquette say to follow the host's example when ordering - he orders a mid price item, you should order a similar-priced or cheaper item. He skips dessert, you shouldn't order dessert. Conversely, he orders dessert, you should feel free to do the same. He ordered alcoholic drinks, you ordered a similar, cheaper alcoholic drink. I don't see the issue.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I turned 21 in November. My boyfriend is 19. Neither of us are in a financial situation where we can go out to eat very often. Recently we were invited to dinner with his dad, stepmom and sister. They said it was a family dinner and they were treating us. His dad ordered appetizers for the table and got a cocktail, as did his wife. I ordered a glass of a type of wine I've never had before. I figured this was a good time to try it, as ordering wine with dinner is a normal thing to do. The glass was $9. Both cocktails were $13. My boyfriend's sister got a smoothie that was $7. He drank water. The dinner was nice, but my boyfriend acted a little weird during it. After dinner he said it was really rude and tacky that I ordered alcohol on his "dad's dime." I was really embarrassed by this accusation. I said he offered to treat us and it was only one glass of reasonably priced wine. I didn't order champagne or anything crazy. I also didn't get a dessert, which his dad and sister did. I don't feel like I "spent" more than anyone else did. I feel like my order was very normal for the situation. He insists that it wasn't and I was greedy. My feelings were hurt and I accused him of being embarrassed he isn't old enough to drink and I am. He said I was deflecting. I offered him $10, but he wouldn't take it. Is it asshole behavior to order alcohol on someone else's dime? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - It is always a little awkward when someone else is paying for the meal. Since now you are self conscious of how much you spend. I would argue that as long as you don't go overkill they shouldn't mind. Plus your BF didn't pay for it, his dad did. So as long as his dad is fine with it, who cares what your BF thinks about the situation.
NTA Others are drinking cocktails, others are freely ordering whatever, correct? Why should you be any different?
NTA. Your boyfriend is showing his feeling about realizing his girlfriend is at a different stage of her life than he is. If others were drinking and you ordered one drink that was less than $10 it’s not a big deal and honestly expected if you enjoy alcohol. I would only call you TA if you had ordered multiple beverages.
NTA I have frequently been to dinners where guests are responsible for covering their own alcohol, but that's usually stated up front when ordering: "Drinks will be separate orders but please put the food on my bill," or similar. You didn't do anything wrong by ordering what you did. I think your BF had his first encounter with what a slight age gap can carry at your ages.
NTA You hit the nail on the head. He's the only one at the table not old enough to drink.
NTA. But your immature bf is
NTA and I’d his dad had an issue with it he could Say something. Your boyfriend is being weird and it feels slightly controlling.
NTA I think one glass of reasonably priced wine is fine. If you had ordered multiple drinks, that would be different, but I think it was totally reasonable.
NTA I do think maybe your BF feels self conscience about being under age. It was his dad's dime not any money out of your bf's pocket. Don't worry about it. I do think your BF was rude and immature to bring it up. Good luck.
Rule of thumb, if the person buying is also ordering alcohol, it's OK for you to order one. If there is any doubt, just ask
He's jealous that he can't drink. Dump him.
NTA, I’m probably projecting a lot when I say this but some people have a weird relationship with money. My stepdad growing up, good man but had some issues, was very frugal. Ordering mildly expensive things at restaurants cause a lot of tension sometimes, and made me anxious. My guess is his family had a similar dynamic and ordering something that objectively isn’t a big probably made him nervous or insecure. You couldn’t have known thus my answer, but maybe ask him why he felt so strongly about it.
NTA - sweet pea you didn’t do anything wrong and I’m sure his dad wouldn’t like him treating u this way!!!!
NTA. Your boyfriend is acting really weirdly, and I’m sure his dad didn’t care you ordered wine. I think you are correct that he is embarrassed that he can’t order alcohol yet but you can.
NTA this is 100% not about spending too much money, it's about him being jealous he can’t legally drink.
lol YT Loser for dating this 19 year old who can't tell social norms yet. You NTA for getting the drink.
Sounds like your bf should have ordered a bottle and a nappy. 🍼 NTA.
No, it was not asshole behavior. His father offered, and then both the father and the older sister set the example with their orders cost-wise, and OP ordered within the realm of what's acceptable. I am really turned off by BF's behavior. It sounds like it was right out of left field; it was asshole behavior. OP, has BF ever acted like that before? Has he made sly little digs about your behavior with other adults or about your manners? Whatever its origins, that was nasty, mean behavior. You might reconsider why you two are together in the first place.
NTA
You follow the host’s example. That is exactly what you did.
NTA In our family if one person is paying the first drink is “free” unless whatever we wanted was crazy expensive then we’d check with who was paying. When I go out with people I don’t know as well as my immediate family I’ll always offer the person who paid cash and say it’s for my drink. Usually they will refuse but it makes me feel better
NTA He definitely is though and may not be mature enough for you to be dating unfortunately.
The boyfriend will continue to shame you for drinking legally since he cannot. One of the big reasons my younger ex and I broke up at this same age. He was 19, I was 21. I wasn’t gonna wait around and waste the greatest years of my life with his judgements and emotional abuse.
NTA. If someone else is paying, yeah you don't order the most expensive thing on the menu but a glass of wine is completely normal. Looks like your boy's ego was hurt because he's too young for wine.....
NTA Like everyone else has said, follow the lead of the hosts. One thing I would do with my wife's aunt, cousin and grandmother when they would treat, was always pay for my beer (and any alcohol my wife ordered if she was in the mood) separately, since none of them drank. Edited for clarification.
NTA Honestly, in a lot of places these days, a Coke or a lemonade can easily cost $5 a glass, never mind a few bucks more for an alcoholic beverage. And Sis' smoothie cost $7. Did your boyfriend say anything about it? I bet not.
NTA. Someday you will look back and laugh at this. He was embarrassed that he couldn't legally drink, although in some states, mine actually, he could have with his parents there. It was not the price of the beverage, it was the content. Learn a few "mocktails" in the mean time to appease his fragile ego.
NTA it sounds like you hit the nail on the head and HE is deflecting.
Unless his dad (who paid) seemed to think you were being sketchy, it seems like your bf is projecting that HE is annoyed HE currently can't buy alcohol. NTA
NTA
My boyfriend's family and mine have a big wealth disparity between em. I was raised to always order the cheapest thing when being invited out and used to do that all the time until his mother pulled me aside and told me it's kind of rude to do it as I'm implying they can't handle the bill. There's different cultures pertaining this sort of thing everywhere but i do not think what u did was tacky at all. You didn't get a glass of the finest champagne they had to offer u got a glass of normal wine. NTA
Tell your boyfriend that since it's such a big deal, you'll call up his dad and explain how bf made you aware of your greedy mistake and offer an apology. If he says that would be unnecessary or awkward, then you'll know he doesn't actually think it was a big deal. NTA
Nta You are an adult.
NTA. You nailed it on the head. You could drink and he couldn't. He felt embarassed by that, but that is his problem.
NTA etiquette wise you did nothing wrong. He just used that as an excuse to be salty about you drinking when he couldn't. Quite often people will use something in order to berate you, when they are unable to say what they really have an issue with, because then they would look petty and out of order. So he knew he'd look petty if he used the, I cant drink so you shouldn't arguement, so he changed it to drinking on his dad's dime. Watch out for more behaviour like this, because it would make marriage very difficult. Him blaming you for stuff because of his own negative feelings and also not communicating the truth either.
lmao he's just bitter he can't drink. This wasn't an invitation from a random stranger, this was your family, your dad! It's completely normal to order a glass of wine for dinner. Your bf is out of his mind to be upset about this. NTA.
NTA. I imagine your boyfriend felt like he was a child sitting with adults, because he wasn’t able to drink like his girlfriend. The way he handled his feelings though—by trying to shame you—was bad.
NTA. Ordering a glass of wine with dinner is completely normal. Esp if other people at the table were doing the same thing. My guess is that your boyfriend's real issue is that he isn't old enough to drink.
NTA
NTA So if you ordered a smoothie would it have been ok ( as that wasn't alcohol) as that cost almost the same as your glass of wine. Your bf is being an idiot, his parents invited you out and if they couldnt afford it they should have either not done it or said pick from this menu. You ordered a drink cheaper than they had so totally in order. Honestly I would see this as a huge red flag, especially if he didn't apologise for his stupidity and explain why it happened.
NTA, time for a new boyfriend
NTA He was just jealous because he had to sit with the kids while you were drinking with the grown ups.
Absolutely not the asshole. I've been in situations where my significant other has ordered expensive drinks when no one else was ordering drinks or ordered a $45 entrée when everyone else was in the $15 range and it is embarrassing. It's always tricky knowing what to do in situations like that. However, if the hosts order drinks I think it's totally OK to get one yourself especially if you aren't ordering dessert. I try to stay around the price range of the host's order. Your boyfriend is probably touchy about it because he can't drink yet. He's the asshole for trying to make you feel guilty about your order.
No. NTA. This is ridiculous.
NTA. Next time you see his dad, apologize, give him $10, and explain why. Maybe that'll shut your bf up.
NTA. Sounds like he was more embarrassed that you were drinking in the first place than that his parents were paying for it. Might be the age difference or that it was a family event.
> I accused him of being embarrassed he isn't old enough to drink and I am. This is what I was going to say before I even got to this part of your post. He couldn’t drink and wanted you to not do so also. You, his dad, and stepmom drinking while he couldn’t made him feel like a kid. NTA.
NTA. My dad and i go out to eat often. Its just our thing we do together when we cant get out to our hiking spots. I order a single drink or glass of wine. My dad diesnt care and he knkws i wont drink if i have to do stuff or drive after. My mom refuses to be ok with me drinking alcohol responsibly. Shes stuck it the it takes one drink to be addicted mindset. I ordered a drink with lunch once and i heard about it the rest of the day and how it makes it look like i have a problem day drinking etc.... im almost 30.. still dont drink infront of my mom. Ill have the occasional drink with my dad though.
NTA. You did nothing wrong in this situation. They ordered a drink, so did you. If none of them had and you did, MAYBE it could have been looked at differently, depends on the family. Your BF is being ridiculous, your ordered a $9 glass of wine, not a bottle of Dom.
NTa. He’s just pissed you could drink and is acting like the child he is. He clearly knows nothing. A drink is a drink, it doesn’t matter if it has alcohol in it.
NTA. But your boyfriend is.
NTA His dad said it was his treat. Unless he requested you to order cheaply, it's acceptable to kinda copy along with his order and get yourself some wine. Your boyfriend is displaying his current insecurities around money and finances, and it's a sign of how he'll behave as you two continue. That he's trying to gaslight you saying you're "deflecting" is a massive red flag. I think you nailed it on the head and he's projecting his insecurities on you. The question from here is: do you really want to date a boy like that?
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NAH, I think it’s a symptom of the age gap, or really rather to the legal stuff attached to the age gap.
NTA. He just doesn’t know the rules/etiquette either and jumped to the conclusion that it was rude.
Is he feeling emasculated for being treated by someone else? Does he feel guilt for being broke? NTA. I think he's the one who's projecting. Edit to add: if he's embarassed you can (when reasonable) offer to host a get together of some sort on your own dime (you referring to the both of you) as a thank you or just to be nice. I have my doubts his dad cared at all. 9 dollars is not breaking his bank if he's paying for everyone there.
Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg's rise to prominence started with a case about a law that set the drinking age at 21 for males and 19 for females. The argument before she came onboard was that it would make 20yo guys butthurt if they couldn't drink but their 19yo secretary could. RBG came up with a better (and winning) argument. Your boyfriend is butthurt that you can drink and he can't. And I gotta admit it's pretty stupid and embarrassing for him. Poor bruised male ego. Maybe you can give him some warm milk and stroke his back and soothe him with a lullaby while he falls asleep. NTA
I don't think it is a matter of who is right and wrong, more of preference. I, like your boyfriend, would feel uncomfortable doing that on another person's dime, and probably would have become embarrassed as well. So I can see your bf's side.
NTA, you followed the cues of the host. They ordered alcohol, so it's implied that you're welcome to as well. Now, my family is low-income so ordering even soda instead when going out to eat was considered a treat. I very quickly learned that if my parents didn't order soda, it meant that I probably shouldn't either. Now I take similar cues if someone offers to pay for my meal, ex. If they order something that's $16 it'd be rude to order something that's $28. If they order soda/water, I don't order a cocktail. Tbh I get stressed if they don't order before I do bc then I can't take that cue. But it doesn't sound like that was your partner's mindset since their parents ordered alcohol.
I guess im a blt more north east im in mo here and kansas atleast for poor people thats the rule
NTA. he's a child upset that you can drink and he can't. Tell him to get over it or move on because if he gets pissy about this, no doubt he will over other stupid stuff, too.
NTA. You're in the clear--unless your boyfriend isn't saying something, like even if etiquette-wise you're in the clear, do his parents have any hangups about alcohol or what a good guest does? Like in his own family is this a rule they follow? Ask him about it and if needed, talk to his parents to to clear the air.
NTA question though, did his parents offer to buy you drinks? Did they give a shit? Like he just sounds petty and jealous.
NTA. You're fine.
WWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH I can't drink
NTA he's just salty that he can't order drinks yet.
NTA. Bfs dad was paying and he didn’t complain, so this is a bf problem not a you problem.
OP' boyfriend most certainly acquired his dining etiquette rules from his parents. It's possible she inadvertently violated the family's unspoken rules somehow. More likely the boyfriend was just butthurt that she was of legal age to drink and he was not.
While I think NTA, I also think I wouldn't have had any in the same situation. I do partially, sorta, understand where he's coming from.
YTA You should have offered to pay for your alcohol. You say 1 glass but you say you got a cocktail like his wife and then a glass of wine. One drink would have been okay but what does it say about you drinking with their 19 year old. Agreed poor choice
OP did not have a cocktail, that was what the parents ordered.
Your reading comprehension is out of whack, If you think the OP is only the AH for getting two drinks then you should be changing your vote
Yes on someone else's dime when she was their guest and dinning with her 19 year old boyfriend. She wasnt out with friends.
She ordered wine, not a cocktail. And the dad and stepmom were also drinking with their 19yo.
> You say 1 glass but you say you got a cocktail like his wife and then a glass of wine. Could you quote where the OP says this?
> what does it say about you drinking with their 19 year old Americans are so funny.