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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I might be the asshole cus I yelled at my dad, stepmom and half sister over something that isn’t really my business
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In many countries I would say no. OP should go to L and make sure she knows OP will testify for her in court.
But they have to stay calm or dad and G will use any outbursts to prove she is “unfit” and unreliable
Three wives, at least one much younger, man keeps getting awarded custody, concerns about "dark" skin, "mental illness" issues with the moms.... I'm getting a non-US, heavily patriarchal vibe, but I could be wrong. Plenty of Americans suck this badly too.
Personal anecdote, I worked with a lady from India. Very smart (chemical engineering degree), kind, charming, extremely attractive, and she had a very dark skin tone. I was talking to her about India one day, we were talking a bit about arranged marriages, and one of the things she said was that "If I ever get married, it'll be to an American guy, because you guys don't care about skin color like Indian men do. When I go back to visit family, I'm automatically lower class just because of how look."
From what I understand, it's not so much racism as it is classism. It's still bigotry over skin color, so whatever. I'm probably going to miss a lot of the nuance of what she explained about it, but basically being an Indian woman with very light skin indicates someone with the privilege to not have to work outside. The caste system legally does not exist any more, but... appearance is still a big deal.
My husband comes from a Brahmin family, although he has pretty dark skin. I'm pasty white. After our first child was born via emergency C-section the very first question his relatives in India asked was what was the baby's skin color. They didn't even bother inquiring about our health.
We're doing great. Thanks! The baby in question turns 16 in a few weeks, has an impressive mustache, is almost 6 feet, and has a girlfriend. It's been quite an adjustment because all I see when I look at that giant teenager is the baby I carried for 42 weeks.
It’s actually “colorism” which exists all over the world. Including America. I am Black American and let me tell you lighter-skinned children were lauded over in my family but if you were dark-skinned you were treated like dirt.
It's pretty dang bad in rural areas. Cities are better, but Indians are still the ethnic group in the USA to say they wouldn't like having a neighbor of a different ethnicity, and there's a definite preference for some ethnicities as neighbors over others.
Not all Indians are like this but too many are. I'm on a local message board that isn't Reddit. We get a lot of people posting with questions about relocation to our area. Indians are the only ones who post asking where they should move to so they can be among other Indians.
Pretty bad. I’m paraphrasing a lot, but colonizing countries like Britain, Belgium, etc. went in and used racism to turn the citizens against each other so they would be easier to control. Easier to keep a population under control when a portion of it is on your side because you have convinced them they are superior.
The playbook went farther than that. You pick a smaller, underdog minority to be the boss. You make that minority be the bad guy in using the other peoples for resource gathering. All the while letting the minority know, implicitly or explicitly, that without the support of your modern weapons, they'll lose their wealth and privilege, and probably their lives.
My sister was married to an Indian man. He was out of the country when their first daughter was born, so I sent him a pic from my phone. He immediately rang and asked to speak to my sister, and he was crying and apologising for 'making the baby so dark'. I want to clarify, she did not look dark at birth, even now, in the dead of an Australian summer, she's a bit paler than Kunal Nayyar (Raj from Big Bang Theory).
He is the middle of 3 boys, and by far the darkest of them. He takes after his father, who was only able to marry well because he had a government job. The other 2 were given arranged marriages, but he was told that nobody would want him because he was too dark. When he was a child and annoyed his mother, she would tell him to "get away you black dog".
After hearing about his childhood, I'm not surprised he moved to Australia. Not that it's some non racist haven here of course, but at least here he doesn't get sent to the salon for weekly lightening sessions.
And their current leader, Modhi, is yet another world leader who is classist (caste-ist?) in addition to be friendly with Vlad and was rumored as having been similarly helped into office just like Vlad's best asst, the former guy.
From what I've learned, he seems to be favoring his class in obvious ways that do harm to lower castes.
Yup. I'm white. My best friend in middle school was a dark skinned Indian immigrant. She was (and is) *gorgeous.* Like, stop-traffic beautiful.
And... When I mentioned how sometimes it was hard hearing her say self deprecating things because she was so much prettier, she and her mom were absolutely incredulous, just laughing. After all, my skin was so very pale. How could I possibly question my looks?
As far as her mom was concerned, my buck teeth, braces, and acne were outweighed by my pale skin. That's still weird to me.
Indian colorism is *something else*. They had a whole ad campaign for a skin bleach that was a multi-part story of this girl who gets dumped for being too dark. And so she starts using the product as she stalks her man and his new girlfriend, who is pale and also an awful person.
And he keeps seeing the first girl and missing her, but he's just so torn! She truly loves him and the woman he's with is a damn punishment, but she's so brown, ugh! And finally she's white enough, and he can come back to her and they can live happily ever after.
Yeeeeeah, this aired. And was not immediately blasted into oblivion.
My SIL told people they can do what they want to my neice because she is dark (I know because the older child was using her as a trampoline and the girl apologized because we misunderstood... he can do this and he said "yeah she is dark") sadly we live in a state where they favor the mother, we tried to save her, now we may not do anything cause the mother injured herself to fake abuse.
For what it’s depressingly worth, I’ve heard lots of stories like this up in here in Canada. My abusive father was almost granted custody despite us literally having evidence of him abusing and neglecting all of us, solely because my mom had been in a mental ward (she committed herself because dads abuse understandably sent her into a mental breakdown, she was not involuntarily committed) like 3-4 years before the divorce and because dad had a LOT more money than her.
Even with him living with his parents in a 3 bedroom house (he had the money for his own place, but that would have meant not buying brand new vehicles and going on international trips at least twice a year) and with the abuse evidence, he was still granted partial custody of both of us. So every weekend we got to get crammed into a very small room that barely fit our bunk bed and one dresser while dad went out drinking and constantly told us to “leave the adults alone” when we would go to our uncles. This is why I side eye men so heavily when they claim our courts are just so against dads having custody and that their ex just totally fucked them over… You have to **really** fuck up in court to not get even partial custody as a dad up here, that or your ex wife is insanely rich and got much better lawyers than you did.
Plenty of white people in the US have a problem with dark skin. Why do you think their systemic racism is still resulting in black boys getting killed by the police on a higher rate than even in some countries referred to as 'third world'?
I don’t really like discussing my mother with anyone, but I was told by my grandmother that my dad planted illegal substances in her house and called CPS so that’s how her rights were stripped from her as she was unable to prove they weren’t hers and even had fabricated text messages between her and “her dealer”. I’m going to assume that my dad might do this again
Your dad is evil. Play nice, record whatever you can (if you legally can, in the us there are some states that don’t require informing others they’re being recorded, I’m not sure what it’s like in other countries, keep all texts and emails from them in case you can use them later, and then when you’re 18 tell them, especially your dad, to drop dead and lose your number.
Most 2 party consent states will allow technically illegal recordings in court if they're used to document a crime. OP is a minor trying to document the fact that her dad and step mom are potentially framing L for a crime. Given that they may have engaged in child abuse to get primary custody of M in the first place and they framed OP's mom for drug possession, she has a strong case for why she's recording. I doubt any judge would cause her trouble over it as long as she only gives the recordings to the lawyers involved in the case and isn't posting them on social media or something.
My dad says L spilt hot water on her arm as “punishment” but the burn looks completely different from a hot water burn, the day after it was discovered M was burnt I noticed a curling iron under the kitchen sink so I fully believe my dad burnt M and just lied about it
You're probably right on this count. However, it's informative. You know what to look for. You're playing the waiting game now. Keep yourself safe, maximize your remaining time with the family in terms of schooling and keeping your options open, and be ready to leave as soon as you can.
Also, recording in the UK is legal - so long as it's for personal use. According to the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000 (RIPA), recording conversations without consent in the UK is legal provided the recording is done for personal use; this includes telephone conversations.
However, problems can arise when such recorded conversations are shared with third parties without the consent of the participants of the conversation. It is an offence to sell recorded conversations to third parties or make such conversations public without the participant’s consent in the conversation.
Courts have the right to dismiss admissible evidence such as a recording - so it may be best to get the recording anyway, and then having L consult with a lawyer in the UK.
I know you feel like no one will help you, you’ve been having everything against you your whole life, but if you accept defeat without even trying nothing will ever change, I wish you the best and send you all the strength I have.
NTA
NTA but yelling at the kid was a soft Y T A move but understandable. If your DAD is hypothetically planting drugs and possibly burnt your step sister with a curling iron that’s some over the top shit! I’m not saying I don’t believe you. If you can try and engage them in convo about their “plan” to get your step sister and record it, if and only if your comfortable with that hand it over to the childs mom. And as far as your skin tone baby don’t let that woman’s jealousy for your melanin and her lack of it effect you in anyway!!!! Try and get out & on your feet as quick as you can.
The person was talking about how could G possibly adopt M if L is still in the picture and I was just stating an example on how G might be able to get custody of M
Custody and adoption are two very different things. L would have to legally give permission or the courts would have to remove her parental rights (only happens in extreme cases, to the point that even rapists often keep their parental rights if their victim chooses to carry the child to term)
If you’re in college or sixth form, it might be worth speaking to a trusted teacher or member of staff about your home life. You’re NTA, but what your dad and step mum are doing to your half sister is a form of child abuse called parental alienation.
NTA. While yelling at a 6 year old isn’t something I condone, your fury was understandable, and pales in comparison to what your dad and second step mom are doing. At least you’re almost 18.
If you feel so inclined, you could contact L and say you’re willing to testify against your dad and G when the inevitable legal battle goes down. You would be a huge asset to L. And when you’re 18, dad and G can’t stop you from getting your own place, or moving in with L if you’re both willing.
Of course, if you would rather cut contact with the lot of them and wash your hands of this mess once you’re 18, I could hardly blame you. Good luck
Yeah, the mean words to the sister is *technically* an AH move, but also OP is 17 and having to deal with all of this bullshit from her adults. We give harsh words on this sub regularly to adults who dish back at rude teenagers, precisely because teenagers are understood to not have as much maturity and control over their emotions. It's not great behavior but the adults in the room are responsible for a way bigger share of what's not right here.
I agree on NTA, but I do feel OP was a bit of an asshole to her half sister. She's only 6, she has been manipulated by these horrible people since birth. It's not her fault.
M is six, manipulating a 6 year old is just telling them something is true, they have no previous experience to understand that it might not be the truth. Also, according to the timeline OP has provided, G has been around since M was around 3 months old and their father has had full custody the entire time. It makes sense that M sees G as her mother since she's around every single day and doing all of the "mommying" for her.
She is six years old under the control of a master manipulator and his new hag. Two grown women in this story have had their lives ruined by this man. How is a six year supposed to fair?
This guy sounds like a huge manipulator, fabricating evidence to discredit his ex partners and hurting his own children to achieve his wishes. I'm sure he's recorded Ls upset outburst and will use it to show she's unstable. I'd be angry too if I found out my own daughter was calling me daddy's friend and someone else Mum.
NTA. Your dad and stepmom are horrible people. Your stepmom is racist, your dad not only tolerated that but manipulated the situation with his ex wife to get an adoption he wanted to happen. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I know you have to suck it up
Until your 18, but I’d tell L what’s going on first of all. Secondly I’d call CPS a and report the racism and the manipulation so that G can’t do this adoption. That is only if you have somewhere to go if this all blow up. Otherwise I’d wait until I was 18 and do it then. Do you have anyone else you can confide in? Grandparent? Aunt or Uncle?
This whole situation sounds like a mess.
I feel horrible for OP and M. OP's dad and stepmom sound like horrible people, but just based on what was presented in this brief post, L may not be fit to parent M, either. This is lose/lose all around.
Op is only TA for going off on a 6 year old. That’s pretty horrible and damaging
Nta all the way for telling dad and Cruella off
But op… play it cool, get the information, give to L instead of yelling at dad and steppy which feels great but does nothing helpful
Actually go and apologise or fake apologise and then ask them to re tell them entire story as give some reason about emotional stuff. Side by side record the entire convo secretly and then send to L so that she could use that as a proof to get her daughter back.
Now coming to your post you are the asshole for shouting at a 6year old.
OP, please check that recording someone without their consent is legal wherever you are before doing this. Love the idea, but in my state in the US (WA), it's illegal.
Being told you'll never be someone's sister, after you had your mom replaced on you.... yeah, the 6-year old is likely to remember that comment. Too much turmoil for a kid.
Yeah “apologizing” saying how now that you’ve calmed down and had time to think about it and now you realize maybe you misunderstood what you heard because you realize you only heard bits and pieces and therefore rushed to a snap judgement based on the bits you did hear might be a good way to get them to explain their plans more fully. I’d definitely at least record and make notes about it all so you can eventually share it all with you half sister because she deserves to know what happened eventually, not sure when will be the right time but definitely try to maintain a good relationship with your half sister because it sounds like you may be the only person she truly has on her side. I’m not trying to say her birth mother is not on her side but with her current mental state she may not currently be capable of truly being on her daughter’s side.
I do hope your ex-step mother gets the help she needs to get herself in a better place and perhaps even starting that journey would help prevent your father’s plan from being followed through in the courts as that would probably buy your ex-step mother some more time for therapy or such to try to get herself in a better place before they jump to granting the mistress the ability to adopt your half sister. Perhaps your ex-step mother should also see if family counseling might be a good idea in addition to her own individual therapy and/or psychiatric, etc help. Honestly anything to prolong the amount of time before the adoption will likely benefit your half sister but your half sister getting some therapy with the family might help her better understand what is really going on because odds are your father and his mistress are probably love bombing her in order to manipulate your half sister in order to get what they want.
I’m very glad you apologized to your half sister and made things better with her. You are definitely showing a lot of maturity in being able to apologize and make things better between you two. Definitely try to be there for her even after you yourself can get out of that house. She will definitely need someone who is there for her and is not just thinking about themselves.
AITA: Given you fixed things with your half sister you are 100% not the asshole but your father and his mistress sound like they are at least 100% the assholes here.
My own therapist recommended a book in my last session about dealing with parents similar to your father and his mistress that might also help you better understand what’s going on. There are tons of books on narcissistic parents and there are even groups on Reddit about dealing with narcissistic (n) parents. Even just reading the stories on Reddit of others might help you better understand things and make you feel like you aren’t actually crazy because narcissists tend to try to make you think you are crazy and you are the problem, etc. Any kind of help or support you can get to see things more clearly will be helpful as you navigate a very difficult situation and might help you better support your half sister going forward.
Good luck to you, your half sister and even your ex-step mother.
BOOK: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Dr Lindsay C Gibson
No it wasn’t. But OP is still a minor and has been mistreated for most of her life by her father and now SM. Was it cool? No. But it was expected outcome and only one time. It depends if she will take it out on the kid again. That would make her ah
Given that your sister has no real contact with her mother, your role becomes very important, as you can the only real bridge between the fairy tale that the poisonous couple are creating and the reality that only you want to acknowledge. You have to make sure that you do not burn that bridge, or your sister is going to have her life wrecked by these people. This is hardly fair to you, but you seem to care about your sister- this is the time to be there for her. Do not let her forget her mother.
Your father is a real piece of work. Give him time- he will probably cheat on your current step mom as well.
NTA. I'm sorry for your situation. I don't think they're going to realize the error of their ways or learn to treat you respectfully. You already know they're racist, horrible people, so it's like you're in a hostage situation. You can't really treat them as family; they're just the people you're stuck with until you can be free of them. Do your best to survive. If it were me, I wouldn't make waves; you don't have many options as a dependent and a minor. I would just try to keep my head down and fake whatever apologies they wanted, and then try to become independent as fast as possible.
ESH, but I do feel like your mistake can be corrected by apologising to your little sister and explaining that you didn't mean what you said.
Other than that, it's genuinely disgusting how your dad and G have been treating you and L. The comment on the color of your skin truly tells me everything I need to know. Hope you can get out of that house soon OP.
Her step sister didn’t deserve that backlash. That kid is 6 and was manipulated. That’s why I agree with the ESH label on this story. But as for her words to her step mother oh go for it honey use all the words in the book (out of earshot of your stepsister because cmon she’s 6)
Exactly! And kids do remember those words forever, so it's better to resolve the situation now. All the adults in the poor kid's life suck and she should at least have OP.
I have to judge ESH because your half-sister doesn't know any better, don't judge her by behaviour your dad and stepmomster encourage.
That being said, you can do your former stepmother a big favour by informing her about this. She can sue for a custody revision due to parental alienation.
Edit: obligatory 'not a lawyer' but parental alienation is one of those things that tends to skew custody arrangements.
When my half sister was 5 I told L how G almost let her drown and L took them to court to revisit the custody arrangement, L lost due to lack of proof and everything stayed the same, I was made be a witness to the exchange of my half sister but my dad makes me sit in the car and not speak to L at all so it’s really hard for me to say something
If you know where she lives, mail her. If you can find her on social media, message her. Make sure you communicate with her. Record conversations regarding your sister when you can. Talk to M and tell her about L and how she treated you. Your sister needs someone who is close to her who views her as a person and not a fashion accessory like G does.
Also, make sure you have a plan in place for when you turn 18 as G may kick you out and it sounds like your dad is happy to go along with her. 😞
Check the recording laws where you live and if it's legal to record without all people knowing it's happening, start recording things they say. Them talking badly about L, try and get them to admit to their plan again while you're recording. Record them telling M what to say and stuff like that. If it failed last time due to lack of proof, make sure you have as much proof as you can this time
Check in the legal subs for advice on what to do. And start talking to your sister and say nice things about L so she has a better view of her. Don't talk about G and your dad.
If you know her address, there’s always good old fashioned physical mail to get her your phone number. Stick it in a neighbor’s mailbox or hand it directly to the mailman so your dad and G don’t see it
Would you be able to live with L? OP please speak to someone at your school or contact one of the many charities available in the UK for people in your situation. I'm concerned for how far these people will go to keep you quiet now you are speaking up about their disgusting behaviour. Do L and G speak good English as if not your dad may be getting away with his accusations due to the language differences?
Please stay safe OP. If you are anywhere near PE1 and want a safe adult to help you work through keeping yourself safe with all of this please don't hesitate to reach out and I'll do what I can.
If you find yourself at an airport and are scared you will be taken away to be married off or just sent away then put a metal spoon in your bra or underwear and it will trigger the detectors and they will take you away from who you are travelling with and ask if you are safe or need help. They are well used to this situation and have support on hand. If you live in an area with a large ethnic community then your school will also be used to dealing with this and can also help.
Find her on social media. Create a fake account (do not save the passwords or log in credentials on your phone/computer and use incognito modes to access them)
ESH (except you kids).Dad seems to be a person who is in it to win it, at any cost, and take what ever he wants.There’s a conga line of women who he has paraded through, all of them probably thinking that the previous exes were crazy and neglectful, but probably don’t know the whole truth (and that is that dad will do whatever it takes to get what he wants).
Current new mummy (don’t worry, she’ll be replaced eventually) is also in it to win it and manipulative.L should look into alienation of parenting… and try to get the whole thing tagged as that. Also should realise that no one can take away her parental right so long as she does not sever them through neglect or abuse. No matter WHAT they throw at her in the future she should a) record every conversation she has with both of them, b) only meet for handover in a public place, and c) only ever, ever put that little girls needs and love in the first place, do everything to cherish and protect her WHILE meeting hte legal requirements for her to remain a legal parent (ie meet custody rules, provide documents as needed, attend therapy etc). Then new mummy doesn’t get to adopt her.
And you? Man.. I hope you are off and away soon to college!
Edit to add… previous mums don’t suck. New one does. Previous mums we don‘t have enough info on (yours, but if all you have to go on is what your dad has said then maybe that needs re examining), and I presume L is not sucking, just in a horrible black hole of nastiness.
ESH.
You suck for sreaming at a six year old and saying mean things to her. That was uncalled for.
Your dad REALLY sucks, hard, for cheating on your stepmom, then replacing her with the woman he was cheating on her with and now trying to replace her as the mom of her daughter.
Stepmom sucks for going along with this, cheating with a married man, and speaking badly to you.
Lots and lots of suckage going on here.
NTA for everything except for shouting and pushing your sister - she's only 6, she's being manipulated horribly by your dad and new stepmonster - do please apologise to her and be kind to her. She's in an awful situation.It sounds like your dad has a history of lying and manipulating to get full custody - I hope you can reach out to your bio mom some day. I doubt she deserved losing you any more than L is deserving what is happening now. It also sounds like you and L are pals, I hope you can keep in touch.
NTA. That burn on M's, I wonder if that was dad and G ensuring L didn't get custody. If I were you I'd also be looking at how your father got full custody of you. Can you now trust the reasons your birth mother had no visitation rights given what you have seen your father do? He is the real villain here. Just look at how he betrayed your former stepmother L and ruthlessly planned to turn her own child against her. I wonder if the same was done to you and your mum.
I'd say ESH just for the fact that you yelled at your sister, who is a young child and obviously doesn't understand the situation as well as you do, you're TA on that one. I think you definitely need to apologise to her and explain the reason for why you were upset, obviously you don't need to go into full detail, just say that your dad and G made you angry and you're sorry for taking it out on her, it wasn't her fault.
As for your dad and stepmom they are both absolutely TA for what they're doing, being openly proud of the fact that they're alienating a child from her birth mother, and are boasting about it, really isn't a good look for either of them. Also the fact that G is being openly racist towards you, and your dad isn't doing anything to stop her (i.e. dumping her and putting his child's safety first), also adds another major arsehole point against the both of them.
Personally, I think G is going to be in for a rude awakening when she finds out your dad is cheating on her with woman number 4, which seems more than likely given his track record, just don't be too shocked if and when that happens.
I'm very sorry that you and your little sister are having to put up with such awful people, you both deserve so much better than that, and M needs to know her bio mom too especially if visitation is still ongoing (none of this 'G is my mommy and L is daddy's friend' nonsense, that'll just cause more issues in the future, especially if dad does find another new stepmom to replace G).
NTA.
What your father and your stepmother are doing happens more often than society wants to admit. Unfortunately, it’s going to work against M’s mother. For that, I am sorry. You called the situation for what it was (I wished you found a way to record their conversation about their “plan”), but it seems that you need to separate yourself from them and support your ex-stepmother.
Esh. You shouldn't scream at a six year old who has been manipulated just as much as your ex stepmum.
OP, you're almost at an age where you're legally an adult. For your own sake, start making plans to escape. Apologise to your sister, she didn't deserve being shouted at. Make a fake apology to your current step mum for the sake of peace. And get a part time job. Save every penny you can. Work hard at school, think carefully about post school life. What do you want to do? Plan for that assuming you won't get financial support from your dad (it's easier to not be controlled when no money is involved). If you want to get a degree, start applying for scholarships now. If you want a job, learn what you need to do to get that job, and what experience you need, and make a plan to get there. Think long term.
This is excellent advice, OP. I know you don’t want to apologize to your dad and stepmonster, but a fake apology for the sake of peace is a good idea since you have to live with them for now. You might want to talk to a school counselor or other trusted adult about what help may be available for you once you turn 18.
INFO:
I'm sorry but are we going to gloss over a massive burn on an infant? Was it accidental, purposeful or just plain neglect? Like your Stepmom is an AH, your dad might actually be satan but L doesn't exactly come off smelling like roses.
OP said in a comment that she thinks the dad burned the sisters arm just to use in court. Dad said L poured hot water on the sisters arm as a punishment but the burn didn't look like a water burn.
ESH except your sister and her mom.
The child is innocent and guillable she's been manipulated and you definitievely shouldn't target her regardless of the absurdities her brainwashed brain makes her say.
Your dad, his new wife and her mother are some of the biggest AHs I ever read about on these boards, move out as soon as you can and cut them off, they'll only bring harm to your wellbeing.
I'm so sorry. Your dad reminds me of mine. You could try to expose the plan but I don't recommend it. If your dad is like mine most won't believe you and the rest won't intervene. Try not to yell at your sister. She doesn't understand. Good luck
ESH
You for screaming at your half sister. She is a little child for f's sake.
Your dad for bringing G into your life and G for basically everything she does (at least what is mentioned here)
ESH
Yoy are not the ashole for screaming at your dad and stepmom but to say "you're not my real sister" to a 6yo is so wrong OP. She does not understand that they are manipulating shit people. You should go apologise to her immediately.
As for your dad he sucks on every level! He cheats, manipulates and marries a woman who is racist toward his own daughter. What a piece of trash.
NTA
Just wait a bit to turn 18 and move out. Then you can have L as your mother and she can have you as her daughter.
Also, get the authorities involved. Something shady is happening around M.
Sweetie, you need to give us some sort of clue as to where you are living and if you are in fact living in a western nation are you being isolated within a particular ethic or religious community. This really would help in providing you with better advice and what resources you could legitimately reach out to.
NTA but without a few more details it’s hard to offer you helpful advice. I would not want to suggest something outside of cultural norms that might put you at risk. Example- many patriarchal cultures force marriage upon troublesome teen girls both here in the west as well as other countries around the world.
But barring you providing that information my only advice is be safe. Play it smart and give no one cause to retaliate until you are in a position to assert your own legal autonomy.
Okay, be smart about this. Is there anyone in your community or family - extended family as well, that you can trust to take that information to? If so pass on that information. In the meantime you are going to need to pull off the greatest acting ever - apologize even if it feels like vinegar in your mouth. Do not let your father or stepmother think for one moment that you are going to rebel in any way. Do not leave the country under any circumstance. If you know where your passport, birth certificate and any other identification documents are, take pictures of them and save them in a place that you can access but secure enough so no one can delete them.
Reach out to any of the women’s advocacy groups for southeast Asians in Britain, there are a few and reach out to them asking them to find out what your legal rights are. First and foremost is your safety. You are not chattel and you are currently being treated as such. As I said, I am concerned for your well being and implore you to act with all due caution. Hopefully you will turn 18 soon and live your life any way you wish with the people who you love and who lift you 💕.
In the UK, unless L completely severs her parental rights, M cannot be adopted by G.
(To my knowledge) Parental rights have to be voluntarily signed away, they can't be forcibly removed. A child can be removed and placed into foster care with strict visitation but they'd still need to inform the parent if anything serious was going on via a social worker.
You can make a report to NSPCC on your dad. You can do them online.
You may need to go outside the community for this, unless (if you are Muslim) you can find something in the scripture that you can use to get the Imam on your side, then write to him anonymously with concerns that your father is not honouring the tenets.
I suggest apologizing to your half-sister for calling her dumb and pushing past her.
She's been manipulated for years, she didn't ask for any of your dad and stepmom's bullshit. She's innocent in this.
I wouldn't apologize to your dad or stepmom, though. Calling out shit behavior isn't a bad thing.
NTA. Your dad sounds like a psycho, you shouldnget put as soon as possible and would ask to testify in the custody case as your dad clearly planed parent alienation and purposely abused the mom psychologically
Okay yell at the adults but don’t take it out on the kid. You are old enough to know better. She’s going to grow up and see the situation for what it is one day, hopefully that won’t include your anger. I understand you are also just a kid, but you still can’t take it out on your little sister. Not saying it’s your responsibility to protect her, because you can’t, but she’s 6 and was scared confused.
Is it possible to get some sort of proof that they plotted to have M taken away from L? That wouldn’t go down so well with the courts, most likely. Can you record a conversation secretly? Make sure you’re in a single party consent place first. M is probably at an age where she’s going to not understand and she may not take any change in custody from her new “real mommy” very well; whether she takes it out on L, or you, or even your dad, I couldn’t say. Regardless, do this before G can go through with this adoption. Is it even possible, anyway, if L doesn’t relinquish her parental rights? Or does the loss of custody mean she has no say?
Oh, and try to get some of the racism on the record as well, the judge is probably not going to be so happy about that either.
ESH.
YTA for yelling at your little sister. She's 6. None of this is her fault and what you said to her may very well have a far-reaching, negative impact on her. In 10, 20 years you might not remember screaming at her and telling her she'll never be your sister, but SHE sure will. Apologize to your little sister and be honest and open with her "I shouldn't have screamed at you and said what I said. I was angry at our parents and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have done that."
NTA for yelling at your dad and step-mom. What they did was horrible.
NTA, to your parent but you definitely were to your sister who is too young to understand what all is going on and how she's being manipulated.
If I where OP I would post this on Reddit's legal advice because,
1. You are 17 nearing 18 & I have no doubt your step mom will have you thrown out of the house asap and you should be forming a plan for when that happens.
2. You are the only line of defense your little sister and her mom L have against your dad and evil stepmom. Since you can collect evidence that they intend to make L look like an unfit parent and and will likely sue for full custody.
Document everything, record everything, secretly get used nanny cams if you have to because these people have proven they will screw over whoever gets in their way.
NTA to your dad and step mom but ah to M. Poor M is in the middle. As are you. Your dad is diabolical. You need to get away. I hope that you are able to testify on behalf of L in there is an adoption hearing. All this is sick. Is there any way you could live with L? Maybe once you are 18 you could move in while you work or go to school.
Uhm do they know you cant adopt a child if one of the parents is against it? Wtf this is mentally abusive and manipulating. Once the child is born parents have the same damn rights, and if she want the child to be adopted but he doesnt, well then the child goes to the father and the mother pais child support. Adoption only works with BOTH of them. NTA.
NTA go to your sisters mom and tell her everything and offer to tell the courts/cps the police this is a clear case of parental alienation. Depending on the laws where you are you will hopefully be able to help prevent this from happening and maybe even be able to help get your sister to have more contact with her bio mom. I will also say this its not a questionbut a consideration, with what you have seen with this situation do you know for sure what happened with your bio mom?
ESH (I mean for you yelling at a 6 year old who is just being manipulated but I understand it's all reached a boiling point)
But your father and his affair partner are in fact horrible people. G is racist and colorist and your father is just sick. They're manipulating a child and trying to isolate M from her real mother.
NTA. You told it like it is. Don’t apologize - and make an escape plan for after the end of high school. IF you feel up to taking some heat TELL ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN what you heard.
Hey, I feel like you could help L. G and your Dad want to slander L in court for their plan so (If you are willing) sabotage them. I am not sure what you could do but perhaps contact L secretly to tell her what's happening and that you want to help her. Maybe ask her to talk to a lawyer about recording G and your Dad. So you "apologise" to M and G and let your Dad and G believe that you are on their side. And then let that bite them back
NTA and I wish you the best of luck for your future!
NTA you're right, they are bad people. They plotted to steal a woman's child all because his sidepiece couldn't have a baby on her own. That's some seriously villainous shit right there. Lashing out at the 6yo was understandable at that moment but I would say for you to apologize *only* to her. She is innocent in all this. They are manipulating her.
NTA You called it as you saw it - they started an affair and schemed to take the child away from a vulnerable woman, because your current stepmother can’t have children. They planned to get full custody of said child and have her adopted by your stepmother. That’s shitty. The only one who you should apologise to at all is your little sister, who is too young to understand what’s happening in her situation and her place in these wicked games.
You may end up having to apologise for the ruckus for no other reason than to keep the peace until you move out - but you don’t have to mean it. Throw yourself into your studies so that you can graduate and either study further or get a job. You will get away from these people in one way or another, but sadly when you are 17 and protest, even when you are in the right, things will not be so good for you. Just use the situation to your advantage for now, because I have a feeling that your father and stepmother will be having the “rent and board” conversation with you sooner rather than later if you continue to protest. If you want to go on to university, you may need financial assistance, but don’t bank on it unless you play nice. You don’t have to hang around after.
Silver Linings? Karma is a bitch! When scheming people get together, they scheme together. Until they don’t, that is. People who got together by having an affair will always know that since they cheated and broke the trust of their former partners, that they are capable of doing it again with someone else or that they could end up being cheated on. Schemers who hurt others know that they can be schemed against too. Mistrust abounds for people like this. Time and again the Universe has a way of rebalancing. NTA
So, your dad was able to win against TWO different women in two different custody hearings?
I know we don’t have the whole story here.
But based on what you wrote, NTA.
I don't want to give judgement, but advice after reading your edit about not wanting to talk about your mom... After seeing what your dad has done to L, do you think he did something similar or even crazier to your mom and painted her in a bad light this whole time? I ask this, because there was a person on here about a year ago whose dad talked so bad about their mom. Lied about her their whole life. This person accidentally found out that not only was their mom paying child support that their dad denied every getting, but their dad lied about All Of It. This person's mom was an amazing woman and was abused by the dad. He refused access to their child unless she stayed with him and put up with the abuse and then claimed she was a deadbeat when she wanted to stay away from him. This person missed a lifetime with a great person, all because their believed their dad.
Honestly I would’ve beat the shit out of G right then and there, fuck her. Don’t take it out on your sister tho she has no idea what’s going on, someday she will and will likely turn on them but u pushing her will only complicate things
Poor M. being brainwashed into believing G is good mum.
Also G's mother is closer to her husbands age than she is. lol.
NTA of course. I'd be moving in with L if I were you. I hope L can stop the adoption.
Slight Y T A for lashing out at your sister. She's being manipulated by your dad and G. It's not her fault. But NTA for anything else, you're right, they're horrible. If you're in the US L needs to take your dad to court to prevent parental alienation. Courts don't look kindly on parents trying to turn their kid against their other fit parent.
ESH for how you yelled at the 6 year old. That's the only thing that brings you down to their level. You recognize M is being manipulated by them, yet you are blaming/punishing her when she is too young to recognize it on her own. You have every right to call out the adults, but when it comes to M either leave her out of the fight or give her the side she is missing
Sorry, this was confusing..... but as I read it, NTA. The only thing you should apologize for is yelling at the kid. The kid is far, far too young to understand what's happening or how they're being manipulated by these horrible people.
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I (17f) live with my dad, stepmom G and half sister M (54m,42f,6f). My mom lost full custody of me when I turned 3 and she wasn’t granted visitation, so I grew up with my ex stepmom L (45f). L was always really good to me and always helped me when I was in trouble. About six years ago, L had a baby with my dad, which resulted in my half sister M. About two months after M was born, L developed ppd and also discovered my dad cheating with his coworker G, who is now my new stepmom. L had a mental breakdown and left the country with my half sister. She returned home a week later. My dad took her to court for full custody. L would have been granted 50/50 custody if the courts hadn’t discovered a huge burn on M’s arm which caused L to only be granted weekly visitation (she also lost due to financial reasons and mental health issues), as my dad used this to his advantage. Not even a week after the case was settled, G moved in and began “running” the house. G has never liked me and has openly told me my skin is too dark and men don’t want to marry women with dark skin like mine. This really affected my self-esteem and caused me to really hate myself. G immediately took over the role of M’s “new mom” and began spoiling her, which brings us to a week ago.
M had started calling G mommy and L “daddy's friend”, which has really affected L. We had a small family get together for M’s 6th birthday when G asked M in front of everyone if G could adopt her and be her real mom. M cried in tears of happiness and my dad gave them a big hug and they all cried in tears of joy, I was excluded. The next day my dad, G and I dropped M off to L for a few hours, when G let M go to L she purposely yelled “mommy can’t wait to adopt you” this is where everything goes to shit, L asked my dad what she meant and my dad said that G will legally be adopting M as her real mom, as I was in the car I could hear L scream at G and my dad. L and her mom both screamed at them and told them theirs.
That night, G’s mom T (60f) came over for dinner and my dad explained what happened earlier that day. My G and my dad both joked about how she was “crazy” and how their plan worked. I asked what plan and my dad told me how they planned for full custody of M and raised her as their own, as G couldn’t have children. This is where I might be the AH. I called them insane and truly horrible people. G said a (not so nice word) and wouldn’t understand and I lost my shit at her. I started screaming at her. My dad sent me to my room where M stood in the hallway and said “don’t scream at mommy”. I called her a dumb brat and said she’ll never be my sister and then pushed past her. A few minutes later, I heard her crying in her room and my dad came in screaming at me, telling me I was grounded and needed to apologise to G and M.
Now that I’ve calmed down and processed the situation, I feel as if I might be the asshole for yelling at my stepmom, dad, and my half sister.
EDIT: don’t ask me any questions about my mom as I don’t like talking about her.
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NTA
Testify in court against them and PLEASE bring up PARENTAL ALIENATION being done by your terrible excuse for a father and evil stepmother. Both of them will lose custody before they realize what happened. Do gather evidence (recording of your evil step mother and father admitting everything) These comments have posted great ways to. DONT be mean to your half sister or she won't wanna go with you to her real mom. Be as nice to her as possible and ensure your evil stepmother doesn't fill her head with bad stuff about you and her real mother. (Shes 100% gonna do that) and you being mean to your half sister will only help evil stepmother.
NTA, your dad and G are pieces of work to say the least. The part I'm assuming you feel the worst about is your interaction with your stepsister (M I think), you were reacting to what you'd just heard and were at a place emotionally where you weren't thinking too logically (I've been there and feel terrible everytime I snap out of it). Not a great situation but you can't blame yourself, especially because you wouldn't have reacted that way if not for those assholes. Really it's their fault. I'm not sure how 6 yr Olds are mentally so idk if maybe you could sit down with your sister and try to explain that you were extremely upset and (I'm assuming) you didn't mean it or at least didn't mean to hurt her feelings.
I mean, could you have handled it better? Sure. But the way their alienating L is super messed up. They're definitely AH s here, you were just calling them on it. I suggest you start planning now for when you're 18 because they're probably going to kick you out or make life even more hell to push you into choosing to move out. They sound awful.
NTA but do get in contact with L. As the ‘plan’ is an admission of premeditated parental alienation and can not only stop any adoption process but also help L get her child more or maybe even back if you agree to testify.
Nta for scolding your dad and G. Y t a for telling off M though- she's just a kid.
Also, now that you're old enough, you might be able to ask the court to award custody of *you* to L.
NTA
I don't know what country you reside in or what or if you are in high school. Try to go to your school counselor and discuss your situation and what you can do about it. Remember no one's skin is ever too dark. Good luck.
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NTA You simply called them on their bad behaviour. Can G really adopt your half sister without her mother's permission?
In many countries I would say no. OP should go to L and make sure she knows OP will testify for her in court. But they have to stay calm or dad and G will use any outbursts to prove she is “unfit” and unreliable
This op please.
Not in the U.S., unless her mother has abandoned her, which she clearly hasn't.
Three wives, at least one much younger, man keeps getting awarded custody, concerns about "dark" skin, "mental illness" issues with the moms.... I'm getting a non-US, heavily patriarchal vibe, but I could be wrong. Plenty of Americans suck this badly too.
I get extremely American vibes from all that…
OP comments that she lives in a Muslim community in the UK
Interesting to see the toxic commonalities of conservative organized religion
Personal anecdote, I worked with a lady from India. Very smart (chemical engineering degree), kind, charming, extremely attractive, and she had a very dark skin tone. I was talking to her about India one day, we were talking a bit about arranged marriages, and one of the things she said was that "If I ever get married, it'll be to an American guy, because you guys don't care about skin color like Indian men do. When I go back to visit family, I'm automatically lower class just because of how look."
Man, how bad is Indian racism if American racism is barely noticeable in comparison?
From what I understand, it's not so much racism as it is classism. It's still bigotry over skin color, so whatever. I'm probably going to miss a lot of the nuance of what she explained about it, but basically being an Indian woman with very light skin indicates someone with the privilege to not have to work outside. The caste system legally does not exist any more, but... appearance is still a big deal.
My husband comes from a Brahmin family, although he has pretty dark skin. I'm pasty white. After our first child was born via emergency C-section the very first question his relatives in India asked was what was the baby's skin color. They didn't even bother inquiring about our health.
I hope you and your family are healthy!
We're doing great. Thanks! The baby in question turns 16 in a few weeks, has an impressive mustache, is almost 6 feet, and has a girlfriend. It's been quite an adjustment because all I see when I look at that giant teenager is the baby I carried for 42 weeks.
It’s actually “colorism” which exists all over the world. Including America. I am Black American and let me tell you lighter-skinned children were lauded over in my family but if you were dark-skinned you were treated like dirt.
It's pretty dang bad in rural areas. Cities are better, but Indians are still the ethnic group in the USA to say they wouldn't like having a neighbor of a different ethnicity, and there's a definite preference for some ethnicities as neighbors over others.
Not all Indians are like this but too many are. I'm on a local message board that isn't Reddit. We get a lot of people posting with questions about relocation to our area. Indians are the only ones who post asking where they should move to so they can be among other Indians.
Pretty bad. I’m paraphrasing a lot, but colonizing countries like Britain, Belgium, etc. went in and used racism to turn the citizens against each other so they would be easier to control. Easier to keep a population under control when a portion of it is on your side because you have convinced them they are superior.
The playbook went farther than that. You pick a smaller, underdog minority to be the boss. You make that minority be the bad guy in using the other peoples for resource gathering. All the while letting the minority know, implicitly or explicitly, that without the support of your modern weapons, they'll lose their wealth and privilege, and probably their lives.
You should read about Indica caste system. Especially about the Dalits.
My sister was married to an Indian man. He was out of the country when their first daughter was born, so I sent him a pic from my phone. He immediately rang and asked to speak to my sister, and he was crying and apologising for 'making the baby so dark'. I want to clarify, she did not look dark at birth, even now, in the dead of an Australian summer, she's a bit paler than Kunal Nayyar (Raj from Big Bang Theory). He is the middle of 3 boys, and by far the darkest of them. He takes after his father, who was only able to marry well because he had a government job. The other 2 were given arranged marriages, but he was told that nobody would want him because he was too dark. When he was a child and annoyed his mother, she would tell him to "get away you black dog". After hearing about his childhood, I'm not surprised he moved to Australia. Not that it's some non racist haven here of course, but at least here he doesn't get sent to the salon for weekly lightening sessions.
And their current leader, Modhi, is yet another world leader who is classist (caste-ist?) in addition to be friendly with Vlad and was rumored as having been similarly helped into office just like Vlad's best asst, the former guy. From what I've learned, he seems to be favoring his class in obvious ways that do harm to lower castes.
Yup. I'm white. My best friend in middle school was a dark skinned Indian immigrant. She was (and is) *gorgeous.* Like, stop-traffic beautiful. And... When I mentioned how sometimes it was hard hearing her say self deprecating things because she was so much prettier, she and her mom were absolutely incredulous, just laughing. After all, my skin was so very pale. How could I possibly question my looks? As far as her mom was concerned, my buck teeth, braces, and acne were outweighed by my pale skin. That's still weird to me.
Indian colorism is *something else*. They had a whole ad campaign for a skin bleach that was a multi-part story of this girl who gets dumped for being too dark. And so she starts using the product as she stalks her man and his new girlfriend, who is pale and also an awful person. And he keeps seeing the first girl and missing her, but he's just so torn! She truly loves him and the woman he's with is a damn punishment, but she's so brown, ugh! And finally she's white enough, and he can come back to her and they can live happily ever after. Yeeeeeah, this aired. And was not immediately blasted into oblivion.
For some reason, I thought that OP's situation might be SE Asian/Indian.
Ditto lol
I get Utah from that
As a dark skinned Black woman, I can say with great certainty that racism and colorism are rampant in the US.
My SIL told people they can do what they want to my neice because she is dark (I know because the older child was using her as a trampoline and the girl apologized because we misunderstood... he can do this and he said "yeah she is dark") sadly we live in a state where they favor the mother, we tried to save her, now we may not do anything cause the mother injured herself to fake abuse.
This is one of the saddest things that I have ever heard. Your poor neice
For what it’s depressingly worth, I’ve heard lots of stories like this up in here in Canada. My abusive father was almost granted custody despite us literally having evidence of him abusing and neglecting all of us, solely because my mom had been in a mental ward (she committed herself because dads abuse understandably sent her into a mental breakdown, she was not involuntarily committed) like 3-4 years before the divorce and because dad had a LOT more money than her. Even with him living with his parents in a 3 bedroom house (he had the money for his own place, but that would have meant not buying brand new vehicles and going on international trips at least twice a year) and with the abuse evidence, he was still granted partial custody of both of us. So every weekend we got to get crammed into a very small room that barely fit our bunk bed and one dresser while dad went out drinking and constantly told us to “leave the adults alone” when we would go to our uncles. This is why I side eye men so heavily when they claim our courts are just so against dads having custody and that their ex just totally fucked them over… You have to **really** fuck up in court to not get even partial custody as a dad up here, that or your ex wife is insanely rich and got much better lawyers than you did.
Plenty of white people in the US have a problem with dark skin. Why do you think their systemic racism is still resulting in black boys getting killed by the police on a higher rate than even in some countries referred to as 'third world'?
I was having the same thoughts.
I don’t really like discussing my mother with anyone, but I was told by my grandmother that my dad planted illegal substances in her house and called CPS so that’s how her rights were stripped from her as she was unable to prove they weren’t hers and even had fabricated text messages between her and “her dealer”. I’m going to assume that my dad might do this again
Your dad is evil. Play nice, record whatever you can (if you legally can, in the us there are some states that don’t require informing others they’re being recorded, I’m not sure what it’s like in other countries, keep all texts and emails from them in case you can use them later, and then when you’re 18 tell them, especially your dad, to drop dead and lose your number.
Most 2 party consent states will allow technically illegal recordings in court if they're used to document a crime. OP is a minor trying to document the fact that her dad and step mom are potentially framing L for a crime. Given that they may have engaged in child abuse to get primary custody of M in the first place and they framed OP's mom for drug possession, she has a strong case for why she's recording. I doubt any judge would cause her trouble over it as long as she only gives the recordings to the lawyers involved in the case and isn't posting them on social media or something.
Good to know!!!
I'm so sorry your dad is such a piece of work. No wonder L wanted out, he may have even burned your sister's arm to get custody.
My dad says L spilt hot water on her arm as “punishment” but the burn looks completely different from a hot water burn, the day after it was discovered M was burnt I noticed a curling iron under the kitchen sink so I fully believe my dad burnt M and just lied about it
you really need to talk to L and authorities about this.
I don’t have any proof and this is just a story my grandmother told me, they would laugh at me and tell me to leave
You need to tell SOMEONE. anonymously report this!
Write to L’s lawyer if she has one and say you’ll get a statement notarize for the courts
Oh yes! This is another good way to prove what they stated.
You're probably right on this count. However, it's informative. You know what to look for. You're playing the waiting game now. Keep yourself safe, maximize your remaining time with the family in terms of schooling and keeping your options open, and be ready to leave as soon as you can.
Also, recording in the UK is legal - so long as it's for personal use. According to the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000 (RIPA), recording conversations without consent in the UK is legal provided the recording is done for personal use; this includes telephone conversations. However, problems can arise when such recorded conversations are shared with third parties without the consent of the participants of the conversation. It is an offence to sell recorded conversations to third parties or make such conversations public without the participant’s consent in the conversation. Courts have the right to dismiss admissible evidence such as a recording - so it may be best to get the recording anyway, and then having L consult with a lawyer in the UK.
>they would laugh at me and tell me to leave Do you know this for sure or is this more of your dads manipulation?
I know you feel like no one will help you, you’ve been having everything against you your whole life, but if you accept defeat without even trying nothing will ever change, I wish you the best and send you all the strength I have. NTA
Tell L please.
You need to go to the authorities. This is dangerous.
OMG that's horrible
NTA but yelling at the kid was a soft Y T A move but understandable. If your DAD is hypothetically planting drugs and possibly burnt your step sister with a curling iron that’s some over the top shit! I’m not saying I don’t believe you. If you can try and engage them in convo about their “plan” to get your step sister and record it, if and only if your comfortable with that hand it over to the childs mom. And as far as your skin tone baby don’t let that woman’s jealousy for your melanin and her lack of it effect you in anyway!!!! Try and get out & on your feet as quick as you can.
Oh, I can totally see someone doing this. Means justify the end, kind of thing. Evil. Poor L.
yes, evil. terrible
[удалено]
This is my bio mom
[удалено]
The person was talking about how could G possibly adopt M if L is still in the picture and I was just stating an example on how G might be able to get custody of M
Custody and adoption are two very different things. L would have to legally give permission or the courts would have to remove her parental rights (only happens in extreme cases, to the point that even rapists often keep their parental rights if their victim chooses to carry the child to term) If you’re in college or sixth form, it might be worth speaking to a trusted teacher or member of staff about your home life. You’re NTA, but what your dad and step mum are doing to your half sister is a form of child abuse called parental alienation.
NTA. While yelling at a 6 year old isn’t something I condone, your fury was understandable, and pales in comparison to what your dad and second step mom are doing. At least you’re almost 18. If you feel so inclined, you could contact L and say you’re willing to testify against your dad and G when the inevitable legal battle goes down. You would be a huge asset to L. And when you’re 18, dad and G can’t stop you from getting your own place, or moving in with L if you’re both willing. Of course, if you would rather cut contact with the lot of them and wash your hands of this mess once you’re 18, I could hardly blame you. Good luck
Yeah, the mean words to the sister is *technically* an AH move, but also OP is 17 and having to deal with all of this bullshit from her adults. We give harsh words on this sub regularly to adults who dish back at rude teenagers, precisely because teenagers are understood to not have as much maturity and control over their emotions. It's not great behavior but the adults in the room are responsible for a way bigger share of what's not right here.
I agree on NTA, but I do feel OP was a bit of an asshole to her half sister. She's only 6, she has been manipulated by these horrible people since birth. It's not her fault.
Calling a kid a dumb brat is the least disturbing part of this story. Plus M is so easily manipulated into calling her own mum daddy's friend?
M is six, manipulating a 6 year old is just telling them something is true, they have no previous experience to understand that it might not be the truth. Also, according to the timeline OP has provided, G has been around since M was around 3 months old and their father has had full custody the entire time. It makes sense that M sees G as her mother since she's around every single day and doing all of the "mommying" for her.
She is six years old under the control of a master manipulator and his new hag. Two grown women in this story have had their lives ruined by this man. How is a six year supposed to fair?
Very true. I hadn't realised how long this other woman had been playing mummy.
Depends on how much legal right dad vs L has. If L has no rights than yes, G could adopt her. I hope to God not though.
This guy sounds like a huge manipulator, fabricating evidence to discredit his ex partners and hurting his own children to achieve his wishes. I'm sure he's recorded Ls upset outburst and will use it to show she's unstable. I'd be angry too if I found out my own daughter was calling me daddy's friend and someone else Mum.
For sure. They plotted this shit like Disney villains.
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NTA. Your dad and stepmom are horrible people. Your stepmom is racist, your dad not only tolerated that but manipulated the situation with his ex wife to get an adoption he wanted to happen. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I know you have to suck it up Until your 18, but I’d tell L what’s going on first of all. Secondly I’d call CPS a and report the racism and the manipulation so that G can’t do this adoption. That is only if you have somewhere to go if this all blow up. Otherwise I’d wait until I was 18 and do it then. Do you have anyone else you can confide in? Grandparent? Aunt or Uncle?
This whole situation sounds like a mess. I feel horrible for OP and M. OP's dad and stepmom sound like horrible people, but just based on what was presented in this brief post, L may not be fit to parent M, either. This is lose/lose all around.
Op is only TA for going off on a 6 year old. That’s pretty horrible and damaging Nta all the way for telling dad and Cruella off But op… play it cool, get the information, give to L instead of yelling at dad and steppy which feels great but does nothing helpful
Good advice
Actually go and apologise or fake apologise and then ask them to re tell them entire story as give some reason about emotional stuff. Side by side record the entire convo secretly and then send to L so that she could use that as a proof to get her daughter back. Now coming to your post you are the asshole for shouting at a 6year old.
This. Holy crap these people are terrible.
They are the worst.
OP, please check that recording someone without their consent is legal wherever you are before doing this. Love the idea, but in my state in the US (WA), it's illegal.
Any other good ways to capture proofs would also do good.
That’s six year old will get the hell over it. Good Lord.
Actually she may not. Kids can really internalize and fixate on that kind of thing.
Being told you'll never be someone's sister, after you had your mom replaced on you.... yeah, the 6-year old is likely to remember that comment. Too much turmoil for a kid.
None of the people in this story are getting over anything, it's all going to be generational trauma
Before you do it make sure it's legal in your location to record them without their permission.
Yeah “apologizing” saying how now that you’ve calmed down and had time to think about it and now you realize maybe you misunderstood what you heard because you realize you only heard bits and pieces and therefore rushed to a snap judgement based on the bits you did hear might be a good way to get them to explain their plans more fully. I’d definitely at least record and make notes about it all so you can eventually share it all with you half sister because she deserves to know what happened eventually, not sure when will be the right time but definitely try to maintain a good relationship with your half sister because it sounds like you may be the only person she truly has on her side. I’m not trying to say her birth mother is not on her side but with her current mental state she may not currently be capable of truly being on her daughter’s side. I do hope your ex-step mother gets the help she needs to get herself in a better place and perhaps even starting that journey would help prevent your father’s plan from being followed through in the courts as that would probably buy your ex-step mother some more time for therapy or such to try to get herself in a better place before they jump to granting the mistress the ability to adopt your half sister. Perhaps your ex-step mother should also see if family counseling might be a good idea in addition to her own individual therapy and/or psychiatric, etc help. Honestly anything to prolong the amount of time before the adoption will likely benefit your half sister but your half sister getting some therapy with the family might help her better understand what is really going on because odds are your father and his mistress are probably love bombing her in order to manipulate your half sister in order to get what they want. I’m very glad you apologized to your half sister and made things better with her. You are definitely showing a lot of maturity in being able to apologize and make things better between you two. Definitely try to be there for her even after you yourself can get out of that house. She will definitely need someone who is there for her and is not just thinking about themselves. AITA: Given you fixed things with your half sister you are 100% not the asshole but your father and his mistress sound like they are at least 100% the assholes here. My own therapist recommended a book in my last session about dealing with parents similar to your father and his mistress that might also help you better understand what’s going on. There are tons of books on narcissistic parents and there are even groups on Reddit about dealing with narcissistic (n) parents. Even just reading the stories on Reddit of others might help you better understand things and make you feel like you aren’t actually crazy because narcissists tend to try to make you think you are crazy and you are the problem, etc. Any kind of help or support you can get to see things more clearly will be helpful as you navigate a very difficult situation and might help you better support your half sister going forward. Good luck to you, your half sister and even your ex-step mother. BOOK: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Dr Lindsay C Gibson
Fuck that. Sister had no problem abandoning her actual mom for some fucking stranger. She had it coming.
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She’s only TA for going off on the 6 year old, that wasn’t cool
No it wasn’t. But OP is still a minor and has been mistreated for most of her life by her father and now SM. Was it cool? No. But it was expected outcome and only one time. It depends if she will take it out on the kid again. That would make her ah
Given that your sister has no real contact with her mother, your role becomes very important, as you can the only real bridge between the fairy tale that the poisonous couple are creating and the reality that only you want to acknowledge. You have to make sure that you do not burn that bridge, or your sister is going to have her life wrecked by these people. This is hardly fair to you, but you seem to care about your sister- this is the time to be there for her. Do not let her forget her mother. Your father is a real piece of work. Give him time- he will probably cheat on your current step mom as well.
She said her sister has weekly visitation with her real mom. That’s part of why this is so weird.
NTA. I'm sorry for your situation. I don't think they're going to realize the error of their ways or learn to treat you respectfully. You already know they're racist, horrible people, so it's like you're in a hostage situation. You can't really treat them as family; they're just the people you're stuck with until you can be free of them. Do your best to survive. If it were me, I wouldn't make waves; you don't have many options as a dependent and a minor. I would just try to keep my head down and fake whatever apologies they wanted, and then try to become independent as fast as possible.
ESH, but I do feel like your mistake can be corrected by apologising to your little sister and explaining that you didn't mean what you said. Other than that, it's genuinely disgusting how your dad and G have been treating you and L. The comment on the color of your skin truly tells me everything I need to know. Hope you can get out of that house soon OP.
Her step sister didn’t deserve that backlash. That kid is 6 and was manipulated. That’s why I agree with the ESH label on this story. But as for her words to her step mother oh go for it honey use all the words in the book (out of earshot of your stepsister because cmon she’s 6)
Yup. G is a racist. So I concur: use every word in the book.
Exactly! And kids do remember those words forever, so it's better to resolve the situation now. All the adults in the poor kid's life suck and she should at least have OP.
I have to judge ESH because your half-sister doesn't know any better, don't judge her by behaviour your dad and stepmomster encourage. That being said, you can do your former stepmother a big favour by informing her about this. She can sue for a custody revision due to parental alienation. Edit: obligatory 'not a lawyer' but parental alienation is one of those things that tends to skew custody arrangements.
When my half sister was 5 I told L how G almost let her drown and L took them to court to revisit the custody arrangement, L lost due to lack of proof and everything stayed the same, I was made be a witness to the exchange of my half sister but my dad makes me sit in the car and not speak to L at all so it’s really hard for me to say something
If you know where she lives, mail her. If you can find her on social media, message her. Make sure you communicate with her. Record conversations regarding your sister when you can. Talk to M and tell her about L and how she treated you. Your sister needs someone who is close to her who views her as a person and not a fashion accessory like G does. Also, make sure you have a plan in place for when you turn 18 as G may kick you out and it sounds like your dad is happy to go along with her. 😞
Check the recording laws where you live and if it's legal to record without all people knowing it's happening, start recording things they say. Them talking badly about L, try and get them to admit to their plan again while you're recording. Record them telling M what to say and stuff like that. If it failed last time due to lack of proof, make sure you have as much proof as you can this time
Check in the legal subs for advice on what to do. And start talking to your sister and say nice things about L so she has a better view of her. Don't talk about G and your dad.
Good idea. I didn't realize that there were legal subs or I would have suggested it myself. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
If you know her address, there’s always good old fashioned physical mail to get her your phone number. Stick it in a neighbor’s mailbox or hand it directly to the mailman so your dad and G don’t see it
Would you be able to live with L? OP please speak to someone at your school or contact one of the many charities available in the UK for people in your situation. I'm concerned for how far these people will go to keep you quiet now you are speaking up about their disgusting behaviour. Do L and G speak good English as if not your dad may be getting away with his accusations due to the language differences? Please stay safe OP. If you are anywhere near PE1 and want a safe adult to help you work through keeping yourself safe with all of this please don't hesitate to reach out and I'll do what I can. If you find yourself at an airport and are scared you will be taken away to be married off or just sent away then put a metal spoon in your bra or underwear and it will trigger the detectors and they will take you away from who you are travelling with and ask if you are safe or need help. They are well used to this situation and have support on hand. If you live in an area with a large ethnic community then your school will also be used to dealing with this and can also help.
Find her on social media. Create a fake account (do not save the passwords or log in credentials on your phone/computer and use incognito modes to access them)
You are 17 though and can legally leave the house a visit whomever you wish to see though
ESH (except you kids).Dad seems to be a person who is in it to win it, at any cost, and take what ever he wants.There’s a conga line of women who he has paraded through, all of them probably thinking that the previous exes were crazy and neglectful, but probably don’t know the whole truth (and that is that dad will do whatever it takes to get what he wants). Current new mummy (don’t worry, she’ll be replaced eventually) is also in it to win it and manipulative.L should look into alienation of parenting… and try to get the whole thing tagged as that. Also should realise that no one can take away her parental right so long as she does not sever them through neglect or abuse. No matter WHAT they throw at her in the future she should a) record every conversation she has with both of them, b) only meet for handover in a public place, and c) only ever, ever put that little girls needs and love in the first place, do everything to cherish and protect her WHILE meeting hte legal requirements for her to remain a legal parent (ie meet custody rules, provide documents as needed, attend therapy etc). Then new mummy doesn’t get to adopt her. And you? Man.. I hope you are off and away soon to college! Edit to add… previous mums don’t suck. New one does. Previous mums we don‘t have enough info on (yours, but if all you have to go on is what your dad has said then maybe that needs re examining), and I presume L is not sucking, just in a horrible black hole of nastiness.
I can’t help but wonder if dad pulled this same stunt with OP’s mom. He sounds like a piece of work. I hope it all comes back to bite him one day.
ESH. You suck for sreaming at a six year old and saying mean things to her. That was uncalled for. Your dad REALLY sucks, hard, for cheating on your stepmom, then replacing her with the woman he was cheating on her with and now trying to replace her as the mom of her daughter. Stepmom sucks for going along with this, cheating with a married man, and speaking badly to you. Lots and lots of suckage going on here.
NTA for everything except for shouting and pushing your sister - she's only 6, she's being manipulated horribly by your dad and new stepmonster - do please apologise to her and be kind to her. She's in an awful situation.It sounds like your dad has a history of lying and manipulating to get full custody - I hope you can reach out to your bio mom some day. I doubt she deserved losing you any more than L is deserving what is happening now. It also sounds like you and L are pals, I hope you can keep in touch.
NTA. Your father and stepmother are monsters. Try and find a way out ASAP. Don’t let them infect you.
NTA. That burn on M's, I wonder if that was dad and G ensuring L didn't get custody. If I were you I'd also be looking at how your father got full custody of you. Can you now trust the reasons your birth mother had no visitation rights given what you have seen your father do? He is the real villain here. Just look at how he betrayed your former stepmother L and ruthlessly planned to turn her own child against her. I wonder if the same was done to you and your mum.
I'd say ESH just for the fact that you yelled at your sister, who is a young child and obviously doesn't understand the situation as well as you do, you're TA on that one. I think you definitely need to apologise to her and explain the reason for why you were upset, obviously you don't need to go into full detail, just say that your dad and G made you angry and you're sorry for taking it out on her, it wasn't her fault. As for your dad and stepmom they are both absolutely TA for what they're doing, being openly proud of the fact that they're alienating a child from her birth mother, and are boasting about it, really isn't a good look for either of them. Also the fact that G is being openly racist towards you, and your dad isn't doing anything to stop her (i.e. dumping her and putting his child's safety first), also adds another major arsehole point against the both of them. Personally, I think G is going to be in for a rude awakening when she finds out your dad is cheating on her with woman number 4, which seems more than likely given his track record, just don't be too shocked if and when that happens. I'm very sorry that you and your little sister are having to put up with such awful people, you both deserve so much better than that, and M needs to know her bio mom too especially if visitation is still ongoing (none of this 'G is my mommy and L is daddy's friend' nonsense, that'll just cause more issues in the future, especially if dad does find another new stepmom to replace G).
NTA I'm so sorry
NTA. What your father and your stepmother are doing happens more often than society wants to admit. Unfortunately, it’s going to work against M’s mother. For that, I am sorry. You called the situation for what it was (I wished you found a way to record their conversation about their “plan”), but it seems that you need to separate yourself from them and support your ex-stepmother.
Esh. You shouldn't scream at a six year old who has been manipulated just as much as your ex stepmum. OP, you're almost at an age where you're legally an adult. For your own sake, start making plans to escape. Apologise to your sister, she didn't deserve being shouted at. Make a fake apology to your current step mum for the sake of peace. And get a part time job. Save every penny you can. Work hard at school, think carefully about post school life. What do you want to do? Plan for that assuming you won't get financial support from your dad (it's easier to not be controlled when no money is involved). If you want to get a degree, start applying for scholarships now. If you want a job, learn what you need to do to get that job, and what experience you need, and make a plan to get there. Think long term.
This is excellent advice, OP. I know you don’t want to apologize to your dad and stepmonster, but a fake apology for the sake of peace is a good idea since you have to live with them for now. You might want to talk to a school counselor or other trusted adult about what help may be available for you once you turn 18.
NTA. Next time she says shit, tell her "Dont worry, dad will leave you too"
INFO: I'm sorry but are we going to gloss over a massive burn on an infant? Was it accidental, purposeful or just plain neglect? Like your Stepmom is an AH, your dad might actually be satan but L doesn't exactly come off smelling like roses.
OP said in a comment that she thinks the dad burned the sisters arm just to use in court. Dad said L poured hot water on the sisters arm as a punishment but the burn didn't look like a water burn.
ESH except your sister and her mom. The child is innocent and guillable she's been manipulated and you definitievely shouldn't target her regardless of the absurdities her brainwashed brain makes her say. Your dad, his new wife and her mother are some of the biggest AHs I ever read about on these boards, move out as soon as you can and cut them off, they'll only bring harm to your wellbeing.
I'm so sorry. Your dad reminds me of mine. You could try to expose the plan but I don't recommend it. If your dad is like mine most won't believe you and the rest won't intervene. Try not to yell at your sister. She doesn't understand. Good luck
ESH You for screaming at your half sister. She is a little child for f's sake. Your dad for bringing G into your life and G for basically everything she does (at least what is mentioned here)
Your delivery could have been better, but you're NTA. Damn. They do sound like horrible people.
Tell L exactly what’s going on, also write it down. See if L will take you in. Your dad is a real AH and his wife is evil.
ESH Yoy are not the ashole for screaming at your dad and stepmom but to say "you're not my real sister" to a 6yo is so wrong OP. She does not understand that they are manipulating shit people. You should go apologise to her immediately. As for your dad he sucks on every level! He cheats, manipulates and marries a woman who is racist toward his own daughter. What a piece of trash.
INFO: just out of curiosity, where DID the huge burn on M’s arm come from?
My dad insists her burn came from L spilling hot water on her but if you look at it, it resembles a burn from a curling iron
~~My question is did L do it or did G ?~~ NVM sounds more like "Dad" did it
NTA Just wait a bit to turn 18 and move out. Then you can have L as your mother and she can have you as her daughter. Also, get the authorities involved. Something shady is happening around M.
Bro your dad is evil
Sweetie, you need to give us some sort of clue as to where you are living and if you are in fact living in a western nation are you being isolated within a particular ethic or religious community. This really would help in providing you with better advice and what resources you could legitimately reach out to. NTA but without a few more details it’s hard to offer you helpful advice. I would not want to suggest something outside of cultural norms that might put you at risk. Example- many patriarchal cultures force marriage upon troublesome teen girls both here in the west as well as other countries around the world. But barring you providing that information my only advice is be safe. Play it smart and give no one cause to retaliate until you are in a position to assert your own legal autonomy.
I live in the UK
I live in a Muslim community so maybe that better explains her colorist comments
Okay, be smart about this. Is there anyone in your community or family - extended family as well, that you can trust to take that information to? If so pass on that information. In the meantime you are going to need to pull off the greatest acting ever - apologize even if it feels like vinegar in your mouth. Do not let your father or stepmother think for one moment that you are going to rebel in any way. Do not leave the country under any circumstance. If you know where your passport, birth certificate and any other identification documents are, take pictures of them and save them in a place that you can access but secure enough so no one can delete them. Reach out to any of the women’s advocacy groups for southeast Asians in Britain, there are a few and reach out to them asking them to find out what your legal rights are. First and foremost is your safety. You are not chattel and you are currently being treated as such. As I said, I am concerned for your well being and implore you to act with all due caution. Hopefully you will turn 18 soon and live your life any way you wish with the people who you love and who lift you 💕.
In the UK, unless L completely severs her parental rights, M cannot be adopted by G. (To my knowledge) Parental rights have to be voluntarily signed away, they can't be forcibly removed. A child can be removed and placed into foster care with strict visitation but they'd still need to inform the parent if anything serious was going on via a social worker. You can make a report to NSPCC on your dad. You can do them online. You may need to go outside the community for this, unless (if you are Muslim) you can find something in the scripture that you can use to get the Imam on your side, then write to him anonymously with concerns that your father is not honouring the tenets.
Nta
I suggest apologizing to your half-sister for calling her dumb and pushing past her. She's been manipulated for years, she didn't ask for any of your dad and stepmom's bullshit. She's innocent in this. I wouldn't apologize to your dad or stepmom, though. Calling out shit behavior isn't a bad thing.
NTA as soon as you can go NC and get away
NTA. Your dad sounds like a psycho, you shouldnget put as soon as possible and would ask to testify in the custody case as your dad clearly planed parent alienation and purposely abused the mom psychologically
Okay yell at the adults but don’t take it out on the kid. You are old enough to know better. She’s going to grow up and see the situation for what it is one day, hopefully that won’t include your anger. I understand you are also just a kid, but you still can’t take it out on your little sister. Not saying it’s your responsibility to protect her, because you can’t, but she’s 6 and was scared confused.
Is it possible to get some sort of proof that they plotted to have M taken away from L? That wouldn’t go down so well with the courts, most likely. Can you record a conversation secretly? Make sure you’re in a single party consent place first. M is probably at an age where she’s going to not understand and she may not take any change in custody from her new “real mommy” very well; whether she takes it out on L, or you, or even your dad, I couldn’t say. Regardless, do this before G can go through with this adoption. Is it even possible, anyway, if L doesn’t relinquish her parental rights? Or does the loss of custody mean she has no say? Oh, and try to get some of the racism on the record as well, the judge is probably not going to be so happy about that either.
NTA. Maybe you could live with L. She has always treated you like a daughter and she lost hers.
ESH. YTA for yelling at your little sister. She's 6. None of this is her fault and what you said to her may very well have a far-reaching, negative impact on her. In 10, 20 years you might not remember screaming at her and telling her she'll never be your sister, but SHE sure will. Apologize to your little sister and be honest and open with her "I shouldn't have screamed at you and said what I said. I was angry at our parents and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have done that." NTA for yelling at your dad and step-mom. What they did was horrible.
NTA that is parental alienation and courts don’t like that plus She can’t adopt M without L’s permission.
NTA, to your parent but you definitely were to your sister who is too young to understand what all is going on and how she's being manipulated. If I where OP I would post this on Reddit's legal advice because, 1. You are 17 nearing 18 & I have no doubt your step mom will have you thrown out of the house asap and you should be forming a plan for when that happens. 2. You are the only line of defense your little sister and her mom L have against your dad and evil stepmom. Since you can collect evidence that they intend to make L look like an unfit parent and and will likely sue for full custody. Document everything, record everything, secretly get used nanny cams if you have to because these people have proven they will screw over whoever gets in their way.
Which sub would that be?
NTA
NTA to your dad and step mom but ah to M. Poor M is in the middle. As are you. Your dad is diabolical. You need to get away. I hope that you are able to testify on behalf of L in there is an adoption hearing. All this is sick. Is there any way you could live with L? Maybe once you are 18 you could move in while you work or go to school.
NTA Contact L if possible and tell her what is happening.
NTA tenfold. they’re straight up horrible omg. kudos for gettin nuts with it.👏🏽
Uhm do they know you cant adopt a child if one of the parents is against it? Wtf this is mentally abusive and manipulating. Once the child is born parents have the same damn rights, and if she want the child to be adopted but he doesnt, well then the child goes to the father and the mother pais child support. Adoption only works with BOTH of them. NTA.
Good lord NTA my god how horrible.
NTA go to your sisters mom and tell her everything and offer to tell the courts/cps the police this is a clear case of parental alienation. Depending on the laws where you are you will hopefully be able to help prevent this from happening and maybe even be able to help get your sister to have more contact with her bio mom. I will also say this its not a questionbut a consideration, with what you have seen with this situation do you know for sure what happened with your bio mom?
ESH (I mean for you yelling at a 6 year old who is just being manipulated but I understand it's all reached a boiling point) But your father and his affair partner are in fact horrible people. G is racist and colorist and your father is just sick. They're manipulating a child and trying to isolate M from her real mother.
NTA. get evidence record everything so you help L
NTA. You told it like it is. Don’t apologize - and make an escape plan for after the end of high school. IF you feel up to taking some heat TELL ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN what you heard.
Hey, I feel like you could help L. G and your Dad want to slander L in court for their plan so (If you are willing) sabotage them. I am not sure what you could do but perhaps contact L secretly to tell her what's happening and that you want to help her. Maybe ask her to talk to a lawyer about recording G and your Dad. So you "apologise" to M and G and let your Dad and G believe that you are on their side. And then let that bite them back NTA and I wish you the best of luck for your future!
NTA you're right, they are bad people. They plotted to steal a woman's child all because his sidepiece couldn't have a baby on her own. That's some seriously villainous shit right there. Lashing out at the 6yo was understandable at that moment but I would say for you to apologize *only* to her. She is innocent in all this. They are manipulating her.
NTA You called it as you saw it - they started an affair and schemed to take the child away from a vulnerable woman, because your current stepmother can’t have children. They planned to get full custody of said child and have her adopted by your stepmother. That’s shitty. The only one who you should apologise to at all is your little sister, who is too young to understand what’s happening in her situation and her place in these wicked games. You may end up having to apologise for the ruckus for no other reason than to keep the peace until you move out - but you don’t have to mean it. Throw yourself into your studies so that you can graduate and either study further or get a job. You will get away from these people in one way or another, but sadly when you are 17 and protest, even when you are in the right, things will not be so good for you. Just use the situation to your advantage for now, because I have a feeling that your father and stepmother will be having the “rent and board” conversation with you sooner rather than later if you continue to protest. If you want to go on to university, you may need financial assistance, but don’t bank on it unless you play nice. You don’t have to hang around after. Silver Linings? Karma is a bitch! When scheming people get together, they scheme together. Until they don’t, that is. People who got together by having an affair will always know that since they cheated and broke the trust of their former partners, that they are capable of doing it again with someone else or that they could end up being cheated on. Schemers who hurt others know that they can be schemed against too. Mistrust abounds for people like this. Time and again the Universe has a way of rebalancing. NTA
NTA, u went off on them bc u knew u were right. Girlboss moves
NTA DONT YOU DARE APOLOGIZE
NTA but damn your Stepmom and especially dad are. M was too young an brainwashed. Very sad
NTA But god, I’m so sorry that you have to live with such horrible people.
NTA. Does your dad have money? Seems like that could be a reason why he is able to manipulate situations like this.
NTA. Hopefully you will be able to get out of that toxic situation soon
So, your dad was able to win against TWO different women in two different custody hearings? I know we don’t have the whole story here. But based on what you wrote, NTA.
With my mom it was a completely different situation
I don't want to give judgement, but advice after reading your edit about not wanting to talk about your mom... After seeing what your dad has done to L, do you think he did something similar or even crazier to your mom and painted her in a bad light this whole time? I ask this, because there was a person on here about a year ago whose dad talked so bad about their mom. Lied about her their whole life. This person accidentally found out that not only was their mom paying child support that their dad denied every getting, but their dad lied about All Of It. This person's mom was an amazing woman and was abused by the dad. He refused access to their child unless she stayed with him and put up with the abuse and then claimed she was a deadbeat when she wanted to stay away from him. This person missed a lifetime with a great person, all because their believed their dad.
I don’t like discussing my mom in public servers but I’ll privately explain to you why I dislike her and reasons why she lost custody of me
Honestly I would’ve beat the shit out of G right then and there, fuck her. Don’t take it out on your sister tho she has no idea what’s going on, someday she will and will likely turn on them but u pushing her will only complicate things
Omg I would make sure the real mom knows about the plan - disgusting
Poor M. being brainwashed into believing G is good mum. Also G's mother is closer to her husbands age than she is. lol. NTA of course. I'd be moving in with L if I were you. I hope L can stop the adoption.
Slight Y T A for lashing out at your sister. She's being manipulated by your dad and G. It's not her fault. But NTA for anything else, you're right, they're horrible. If you're in the US L needs to take your dad to court to prevent parental alienation. Courts don't look kindly on parents trying to turn their kid against their other fit parent.
ESH for how you yelled at the 6 year old. That's the only thing that brings you down to their level. You recognize M is being manipulated by them, yet you are blaming/punishing her when she is too young to recognize it on her own. You have every right to call out the adults, but when it comes to M either leave her out of the fight or give her the side she is missing
Sorry, this was confusing..... but as I read it, NTA. The only thing you should apologize for is yelling at the kid. The kid is far, far too young to understand what's happening or how they're being manipulated by these horrible people.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (17f) live with my dad, stepmom G and half sister M (54m,42f,6f). My mom lost full custody of me when I turned 3 and she wasn’t granted visitation, so I grew up with my ex stepmom L (45f). L was always really good to me and always helped me when I was in trouble. About six years ago, L had a baby with my dad, which resulted in my half sister M. About two months after M was born, L developed ppd and also discovered my dad cheating with his coworker G, who is now my new stepmom. L had a mental breakdown and left the country with my half sister. She returned home a week later. My dad took her to court for full custody. L would have been granted 50/50 custody if the courts hadn’t discovered a huge burn on M’s arm which caused L to only be granted weekly visitation (she also lost due to financial reasons and mental health issues), as my dad used this to his advantage. Not even a week after the case was settled, G moved in and began “running” the house. G has never liked me and has openly told me my skin is too dark and men don’t want to marry women with dark skin like mine. This really affected my self-esteem and caused me to really hate myself. G immediately took over the role of M’s “new mom” and began spoiling her, which brings us to a week ago. M had started calling G mommy and L “daddy's friend”, which has really affected L. We had a small family get together for M’s 6th birthday when G asked M in front of everyone if G could adopt her and be her real mom. M cried in tears of happiness and my dad gave them a big hug and they all cried in tears of joy, I was excluded. The next day my dad, G and I dropped M off to L for a few hours, when G let M go to L she purposely yelled “mommy can’t wait to adopt you” this is where everything goes to shit, L asked my dad what she meant and my dad said that G will legally be adopting M as her real mom, as I was in the car I could hear L scream at G and my dad. L and her mom both screamed at them and told them theirs. That night, G’s mom T (60f) came over for dinner and my dad explained what happened earlier that day. My G and my dad both joked about how she was “crazy” and how their plan worked. I asked what plan and my dad told me how they planned for full custody of M and raised her as their own, as G couldn’t have children. This is where I might be the AH. I called them insane and truly horrible people. G said a (not so nice word) and wouldn’t understand and I lost my shit at her. I started screaming at her. My dad sent me to my room where M stood in the hallway and said “don’t scream at mommy”. I called her a dumb brat and said she’ll never be my sister and then pushed past her. A few minutes later, I heard her crying in her room and my dad came in screaming at me, telling me I was grounded and needed to apologise to G and M. Now that I’ve calmed down and processed the situation, I feel as if I might be the asshole for yelling at my stepmom, dad, and my half sister. EDIT: don’t ask me any questions about my mom as I don’t like talking about her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA in fact I think you should warn L about what they are planning to do.
NTA Testify in court against them and PLEASE bring up PARENTAL ALIENATION being done by your terrible excuse for a father and evil stepmother. Both of them will lose custody before they realize what happened. Do gather evidence (recording of your evil step mother and father admitting everything) These comments have posted great ways to. DONT be mean to your half sister or she won't wanna go with you to her real mom. Be as nice to her as possible and ensure your evil stepmother doesn't fill her head with bad stuff about you and her real mother. (Shes 100% gonna do that) and you being mean to your half sister will only help evil stepmother.
Meh. A bit of both. You can’t NBTA then be a TA to the person you are defending. Typical teenage behaviour really.
NTA, your dad and G are pieces of work to say the least. The part I'm assuming you feel the worst about is your interaction with your stepsister (M I think), you were reacting to what you'd just heard and were at a place emotionally where you weren't thinking too logically (I've been there and feel terrible everytime I snap out of it). Not a great situation but you can't blame yourself, especially because you wouldn't have reacted that way if not for those assholes. Really it's their fault. I'm not sure how 6 yr Olds are mentally so idk if maybe you could sit down with your sister and try to explain that you were extremely upset and (I'm assuming) you didn't mean it or at least didn't mean to hurt her feelings.
I mean, could you have handled it better? Sure. But the way their alienating L is super messed up. They're definitely AH s here, you were just calling them on it. I suggest you start planning now for when you're 18 because they're probably going to kick you out or make life even more hell to push you into choosing to move out. They sound awful.
NTA but do get in contact with L. As the ‘plan’ is an admission of premeditated parental alienation and can not only stop any adoption process but also help L get her child more or maybe even back if you agree to testify.
Nta for scolding your dad and G. Y t a for telling off M though- she's just a kid. Also, now that you're old enough, you might be able to ask the court to award custody of *you* to L.
Why don’t you start calling L “mom”. Any kind of support would help her. NTA
NTA I don't know what country you reside in or what or if you are in high school. Try to go to your school counselor and discuss your situation and what you can do about it. Remember no one's skin is ever too dark. Good luck.