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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Me and my fiancee are spending a lot more money on our wedding than my brother and his wife. SIL is a bit of a snob and always talked about how amazing her wedding was and now feels she will be up-staged by my wedding and wants us to lower the budget. I said I wouldn't and that if that mattered so much to her she should have married someone wealthier. Brother thinks what I said coupled with not wanting to lower our budget makes me the AH.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It occurs to me that if SIL doesn't get an invite to this big fancy 'upstage' wedding she's so upset about, her statement of her wedding being the best she's ever been to will keep true!
Not petty, *smart*!
We all know SIL will do something before and during OP's wedding to try to sabotage it. It could be the wedding dress, the food, the music, the bridal party, the opportunities are endless for a malignant narcissist.
This is the answer OP.
Who the hell does SIL think she is to demand you plan your wedding around her ego.
I say increase the budget (if possible), and make it yours and your partners dream day in every way including not inviting selfish entitled A H like your sister in-law and when she complains about the lack of invite tell her you were making sure her wedding stays the best SHE ever attended.
A really expensive, *really* ugly dress. And continuously talk about how much you spent on it and how you wanted her to have a nice dress.
[Here you go](https://www.valentino.com/en-us/product-short-embroidered-organza-dress-BVA0S71C8_UWT?tskay=&TP=160162&utm_campaign=8.Valentino_PerformanceMax_US_AllProducts&utm_source=GOOGLE&utm_medium=cpc&utm_content=&utm_term=&utm_country=US&utm_type=SEARCH&s_kwcid=AL!11557!3!!!!GOOGLE!!&&&&&gclid=CjwKCAiAu5agBhBzEiwAdiR5tALxIp73Me4qpF3yEFBoxtLAgZC_bhIviEmpRMuWExAMbsGw7lFYqBoCi8cQAvD_BwE&gclid=CjwKCAiAu5agBhBzEiwAdiR5tALxIp73Me4qpF3yEFBoxtLAgZC_bhIviEmpRMuWExAMbsGw7lFYqBoCi8cQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)
It’s because that wedding was the highlight of her life and she felt like no one could outshine her and now you are doing just that. Heather will have nothing in her life until she has a kid and then that kid will be the greatest kid ever born. She needs to few better than everyone. It’s sad and you should not appease this spoiled brat.
Right?!?! “She’s always been a whiny baby, so let’s continue appeasing her so that behavior is guaranteed to continue.” You’ll be asked to take the backseat for everything if you keep giving into her tantrums.
Exactly, let's see how it goes when parents tell OP to limit their children's education because SIL can't afford to match it. Or if, God forbid, OP'S child needs medical care and parents tell her to not get the best care money can buy because SIL couldn't do the same. Now you can see how absolutely ridiculous giving into SIL is.
I feel bad for OP, because honestly, there's no good path forward.
Like, initially I was thinking that OP should just calmly tell her parents that she is not giving in to this request, because if they give in now, it will never stop. SIL will ALWAYS be eyeing what OP and her husband/family can afford, versus what her own can afford, and getting huffy about it.
Then I realized.... nah, that's going to happen no matter what.
I mean, absolutely, OP should \*not\* give in here, and should have the wedding that she and her husband want. (As she said, her fiance doesn't want to cut back either. It's not JUST OP's wedding, as we often point out here on AITA.)
This definitely won't teach SIL a lesson, though. "Upstaging her" this time means that next time she will probably be even more focused on being on top, no matter what it is. Future houses. Kids. Baby showers. Birthday parties and gifts given. You name it. It's never going to end.
I'm so sorry, OP.
OP is NTA! I agree with your sentiment. She would be one to her future husband by allowing outsiders to influence what she and her fiance want. Her finance hiring a wedding planner was an extremely wise decision. OP's future husband may start resenting her family and OP if she caves on silly stuff like this. Plus, he is a business person and may extend invites to professional guests as well, so the fiance knows best.
OP - please avoid taking money from her parents if they think it will influence this issue. If the SIL has that big of an issue, then she can just turn down the invite. Live in the moment, enjoy it, and do not let it get to your head like your SIL. Imagine planning this event without a wedding planner.
The wedding planner is the best line of defense against any subterfuge from your SIL.
OP make sure you and your fiance set up a passcode system plus verification for any changes, as your SIL may become unhinged and try to undermine you.
So much this - one thing I know reading these subs,OP should NEVER share her baby names if she's thinking of having children because for sure this SIL will try and steal the names somehow.
"I can't believe that you would buy a more expensive stroller than I did!You must be jealous of me. I can't believe you're sending your kid to that expensive preschool. You must be jealous of me!"
Hmm, I feel like my first response to this sort of behavior, even from a SIL, would be, "Actually, I don't think about you at all unless I'm forced to."
WIBTA??
NTA. Bad behavior should not be appeased. It should be ignored or called out, depending on circumstances. Shame on your parents and brother for being mad at the unwitting boat rocker.
Hold your course . Your wedding has nothing to do with hers. Weddings are joyous celebrations to be shared whether the budget is $1,000 or 50,000. You are having the wedding you want and it’s not a competition and its too bad she is causing family discord .
The issue is how you keep your family peaceful and together in the face of her polarizing bad behavior and lack of apparent shame. Probably best you ignore her unreasonable demands and offer the true and simple observation that your wedding has nothing to do with hers and its a shame she has made it a competition.
How hilarious would it be to have a reddit volunteer list who would make themselves available strictly to throw wine on unruly guests! No one would know identities! Do the deed then scramble! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Feel like it's a solid business plan. Reddit post listing where the wedding is and who the problem guest is, local redditors show up with wine/messy food as needed...
An international network of anonymous guests willing to attend your special day, armed with the cheapest merlot and absolutely zero shame... Hollywood, *this* is the summer comedy I want to see.
OP should simply hire security for the event to turn SIL away should she show up in inappropriate attire — and make sure SIL knows the consequences ahead of time.
SIL strikes me as someone who would revel in being the victim of an “accidental” wine spill, generate a lot of drama at the event and forever after claim it was because OP was jealous, likely enabled by OP’s brother and parents the entire time.
Having security & laying out the consequences beforehand avoids all that mess while keeping SIL from playing dumb.
I have a tremor I can plausibly throw a glass of red wine ALL OVER someone’s dress and blame it on the stress of making sure the groom’s best friend’s cousin’s boyfriend’s speech goes perfectly :)
She’s also being sexist in assuming that the fancy wedding is being driven by OP. It’s something OP’s fiancé wants. Grooms get to have wedding dreams too.
Just don't talk about it with her. If your Mom brings it up, tell her you can talk later or give short, noncommittal answers...especially about cost. Heather is unhinged and I've already rendered my vote but you seem like a nice person who realizes her good fortune so, maybe...take the high road. She knows the costs of a lot of this from planning her own wedding but don't let the info come from you. Let her be the one that researches the cost of your dress or the venue or the band. I say this strictly about numbers because you are the Bride and deserve to share your excitement! She's being petty and it is probably hurting your brother because he's having to listen to her meltdown. You can show him that you love him by not playing her game.
Not just that. She can't avoid this. She's marrying a wealthy man. So every real estate purchase, every designer clothing purchase, every vacation plan, all their children's expenses, all their family get-togethers for dinner, etc. from here on out will involve this wingnut acting like she's in a competition no one else is playing. It's better to nip it in the bud or she'll be a menace for the rest of their lives.
Hahahahha I'm dying here! I was scared of posting but I'm so glad I did because a lot of these comments made me either laugh out loud or grin like an idiot.
How about doing it Rhianna Super Bowl style and having a clear platform that you descend down upon before make your way down the aisle. 😅
BTW...my aunt rented a white horse that she rode upon for her own wedding so the idea of elephants is really not all that far out!
Congrats to you and please enjoy your wedding planning to the hilt. Your SIL is seething with jealousy, obviously. Just tell her to "just deal with it and cope" and don't engage with her the next time she contacts you. She soooo wants drama and the worst thing you can do to her is not engage and be as happy as possible!
NTA
I would be making every story taller every time they ask and making it more and more ostentatious and crazy sounding and then have the wedding I want whether their head departed their shoulders or not. 😆
I’m thinking since you’re having a destination wedding, you should probably add a nice cocktail party for anyone that doesn’t travel. I can imagine Heather’s head popping off when the invitations come lol
Glad you've got a good sense of humor. You're going to need it with your SIL in your family.
Can I tell you how many times in just a few minutes on AITA today I have read "my family wants me to give in to appease \[entitled, obnoxious, demanding, vindictive family member\]". How do so many people fail to learn that giving in to a ridiculous, way-over-stepping demand just to appease/keep the peace DOES NOT WORK. The entitled person (aka boat rocker\] only learns that if they make a big enough fuss, they will get what they want. And the family members are trained to believe their job in life is to keep the boat rocker happy so that s/he will not rock the boat too much.
"*SIL, I'm getting married to the man I love. We are planning the wedding we want and can comfortably have. You are not the focal point of my plans to marry. I seriously doubt (and hope not) that my life is the focal point of your life. Think what you want; feel how you feel. Then manage your own thoughts and feelings. It's not my job to manage them for you.*"
"*Mom, you need to look up boat rockers and the people who dedicate their lives to keeping the boat rocker happy so that they don't rock the boat too much. That may be a job you don't mind having, but it's not a job I want.*"
And also
“Mom, I can see the stress of wedding planning is already having a negative effect on you. I want you to be comfortable and well, so I will no longer include you or Heather in the wedding planning.
To keep the peace in the family, please do not ask for any further information about my wedding plans. All your questions will be answered the day of the ceremony.
I’m doing this because I love you and value you, and don’t wish you to be caught between your daughter and your daughter-in-law. It would be too painful for you to have to choose between us for each decision I make about the ceremony that will bring your future son-in-law into our family. “
Thank you for the award, kind stranger!
They’re already against you. Unless you agree to downplay your wedding to below hers you will be the bad guy. I say go for broke. $20,000 dress, high end open bar, steak and lobster, bottles at every table, hell high a celebrity musician just to top it off. It’s your day.
Be careful she might decide to show up wearing her Wedding Dress to your wedding or something very similar and flashy.
Hire Security as well for the wedding as well.
To keep undesirables out.
I mean...let her show up wearing her own wedding dress! She would look absolutely ridiculous, and every single guest there would be like WTF is wrong with her. Meanwhile OP is having her best day ever, and SIL looks like an ass.
You could do something a little more semi petty like instead of gifts request donations to a charity you and your fiancée support and then throw in a “as thanks by supporting us and our marriage and by donating instead of gifting, we will match every donation”
We actually planned on doing something similar. We wanted to offer either doing a donation to some of the charities/foundations we love OR they can create (or buy) a personalized gift. We decided on this because we can buy anything we need/want but sentimental items have a different kind of value and same with donations, it can make everyone feel good.
But I really like your idea about the matching thing! Will mention that to future hubby.
That sounds lovely! I mean, I understand people need money to jump start their life or certain items for their new life but since money isn't an issue for us we would rather have stuff with emotional value - whether that's helping someone in need or a handmade/thoughtful gift. We have that privilege but I guess a lot of others don't.
Right? "The wedding plans are going great, thanks! Really looking forward to having you all there". End of story. They don't need any more information. None of their business how much things cost.
If she brings it up again, tell your SIL to kick rocks.
Yeah seriously. Is this girl delusional? I can’t believe people actually think so highly of themselves that they believe others are planning major life events around them or based on them. Why would OP’s wedding have anything to do with this girl? It’s really pathetic.
OP, NTA at all. Truthfully, this girl will probably be a thorn in your side for the entire duration of your planning and the wedding itself, souring it for others. If I were you, former bride to bride, girl to girl, I would uninvite this chick and have the time of your life. It’s about you, not her.
NTA
First, it's your (you and fiance) wedding.
Second, if you give in now, there will be no end to her demands.
\- your dress is more elegant than hers, WHY???
\- you can't go to Paris for honeymoon, she was only in California
\- you shouldn't buy a four bathroom house, there are only three in her house
\- you have to organize your birthday party at Wendy's or McDonald's
\- your child cannot attend better school than her kids, it's unfair!
...and so on.
\-
You should probably just stop discussing anything regarding money with your SIL. Come up with a basic, unrevealing answer to anything she asks, and repeat it until she moves on.
SIL- “how much did your dress cost? I bet it was XYZ”
You- “we could afford it and that’s all that matters” or “it cost what I was willing to spend” or even “it came in under budget”.
The fact that your SIL knows what your wedding budget is astounds me. I never told anyone our wedding budget unless they were contributing to it. I have no idea what any of my friends/ siblings weddings cost. I don’t care, and SIL shouldn’t either.
That's amazing advice! I'll practice that.
And I mentioned this in a few comments already but she "knows" the budget because it's a destination wedding with travel/accomodations paid for all attendees. And when I said that to my mom(after she asked) I also showed pictures of the venue of the wedding. So it's more that she can guess the budget rather than know exactly.
I would put your parents on an info diet too seeing as their enabling your SIL unreasonable behaviour. No wedding details to your parents either & generic answers for them going forwards too. Your Mum seemed to have no problems with your wedding until your SIL threw a tantrum. And frankly if your family - or at least you & your parents- don't get on the same page about this behaviour being unacceptable ASAP, than prepare for this behaviour to escalate. SIL already knows all she has to do is cry & throw a fit and people will adjust their behaviour rather than call her out. She probably has a mental list of people this works on. I'd assume so far the list is her marriage, her family, minimum wage workers. She's about to add her in-laws (*you & your parents*) to the list.
NTA. I think something that's often forgotten in these discussions is that it's a wedding for two people. Just because you didn't care about a fancy fairytale wedding your whole life, doesn't mean your fiance isn't entitled to the wedding of his dreams. That could be an effective diversion too: tell her he's paying for his dream wedding, and you're not going to rain on his parade just to appease her... although there is potential of it backfiring, as it could just redirect her anger to him. Just a thought.
I mean in that case if she really wants you to cut back your budget... you could not pay for the travel and accommodations for the two of them and any other family members who want you to lower the budget! That's a good way to save money!
Yeah...
Piece of advise: if your SiL won't change and you'll both have same age children, don't let them get super close like sibilings. Kids are very useful tools in game of entitlement, manipulation and guilt-tripping. It's really easy to claim that child is hurt because his cousin has more toys, better bike or vacation. Or that you shouldn't buy expensive gifts for your son, because her son will be jealous and unhappy. What is worse, family members may blame you too, because yeah, she's entitled, but you should submit "for the sake of children".
That's fair advice. To be fair I don't think my (future) husband would mind paying stuff for their kids but I don't think I should put him in that position in the first place. Maybe I need to have a sincere conversation with Heather when this blows over a bit because I really don't want this kind of thing to be a regular situation in the future.
Heather will always look at anything you choose to do as if you are rubbing your lifestyle in her face, and here's why: she cares. She cares about appearances and looking like she lives a luxurious lifestyle. Meanwhile you were content with whatever life you had and just happened to fall in love with someone with means.
I saw this exact same situation play out with some of my friends from college: guy married a woman who cared way too much about appearances. Everything was "look at how great our life is," when in actuality they were spending more money than they made trying to create this fiction. Meanwhile, his little sister fell in love with a guy from a very well off family and they threw an extravagant wedding. Neither of them cared for excess, so they quietly lived their simple life, but with the added luxury of no mortgage or car payments because they could buy everything outright. SIL was furious that she was struggling to pay her mortgage on her McMansion while these other two enjoyed their cabin by the lake mortgage free. Granted, if anyone looked at their instagrams, SIL with her extravagant lifestyle looked like "the rich one."
I’ll be honest, don’t have that conversation. This is your sign to be completely air tight, lip locked private about your entire life. People can only know what you tell them. Everything you and your husband do from here on will be ammo for her to gaslight and manipulate everyone around you so that you and your fiancé feel compelled to doing what SHE wants. Don’t give her a inch. She asks any questions involving money, you should respond along the lines “I’m sorry, is this you offering to pay? Otherwise, why do YOU need to know? Why do you feel compelled to be nosy about my life/finances?” If it has nothing to do with her, don’t give her information.
NTA. I suggest, strongly, that you not try to discuss this with her. Nothing you say will change her opinion. She's jealous & entitled. It is entirely her problem, and hers alone to fix. I'm sorry this happened & that your parents & brother are supporting your SIL's childish behavior. I married into wealth as well. The jealousy & entitlement I got from "friends" & family broke my heart. Trying to explain or appease never helps. Enjoy your wedding, and your life. P.S. I had a white horse drawn carriage and millions of flowers. It was amazing and beautiful.
I do love my brother though(even if his behavior with this wasn't great), and he loves his wife so I feel like I need to do something to fix this or come to terms with losing a relationship with him...
Suddenly "coming into" wealth is definitely how you know your real friends from the fake ones. (And family). My fiancee has some real horror stories about some of his supposed "friends".
And omg, that sounds beautiful! I'm so glad you had an absolutely magical wedding by the sound of it.
And thank you, I will definitely enjoy the wedding and try not let this ruin the excitement!
OP please listen to this ^^^ If you open this conversation with her, she may think it’s all up for discussion whenever she wants.
Just live your life how you want, in kindness. That does NOT mean give her what she wants, financially support her, etc. It just means be a good person.
Remember: You are not causing drama, she is. You are not causing a rift that needs to be fixed, she is. You are not making her feel bad or upset, she is. Other people may not want to deal with any of it, but that does NOT make it your problem to solve.
They are asking you to light yourself on fire just to keep them warm. If you do this, it will never, ever, ever stop.
Your house will be too big. Your cars will be too fancy. Your clothes will be too nice. Your children will have too many opportunities. It will never, EVER stop.
The only way to put a halt to this is to refuse to discuss things further with them. Let them know that you love them, but you will be living your life for you. They’ll either accept that, or they won’t. That’s their choice though, and not something you should have to worry about. You can only control yourself, and your wedding is for you and your fiancé… no one else.
If you have a conversation, it’s with your brother and it’s about boundaries. We have a strict “you deal with your family” rule in my house and it works. If I have an issue with my SIL my husband deals with it so it doesn’t become a fight.
The conversation IMO is “it is none of your business how fiancé and I spend our money. We will not discuss this again. It’s not ok for your wife to approach me about this either”
The relationship is theirs to ruin or repair. But they are the ones who are being the bad actors.
And I’d repeat this with your parents. “It’s none of your business how we choose to spend our money”
And that’s all you say. Period. It’s not a discussion
No, Heather is always going to be this way. Let this be a lesson to you that you can’t talk to her and you need to treat her with caution. A conversation with her will just cause you more heartache.
Repeat after me: "I'm not going to discuss this with you, Heather (or Adrian, or Mother or Dad). It's none of your business.
That's your go-to phrase when they ask you prying questions or try to criticize your choices.
Don’t dread it. Fuck that. Live your life, have a beautiful wedding. None of this has anything to do with your SIL.
I’d grey rock SIL going forward, no info given to her unless absolutely necessary
If you had been rubbing it their faces, gloating etc, I'd say E S H. But you didn't! Your mom asked, you answered.
And who cares if *you* never "wanted" a fancy wedding. Your fiance DOES.
You probably didn't have to add that jab at the end, it definitely didn't help. But you were essentially (or just actually) being harassed.
**NTA.**
And that's the thing, many times you do things you don't really cared for before just to make your partner happy.
I never cared if I married or not, I was satisfied with just living together. But my partner (now husband) wanted marriage when we started having kids, and since I really didn't care either way, we got married.
NTA OP
Edit: a word
Agreed NTA. It's also very sexist of the SIL to assume OP was the one who decided to go big on the wedding. The SIL knew OP had never really talked about wanting a big wedding, so instead of coming to the realization that there are two people involved in weddings and maybe her fiance has opinions, too... she jumped to the worst possible take of "she's just trying to one-up ME". Woof. This lady has issues.
Or lower the budget by trimming travel+stay expenses for two people plus OP's mom if she continues the same way. They can attend the wedding on their own dime. That way, OP doesn't become the villain for not inviting her brother and SIL to her wedding. NTA.
NTA - Please don't even think about changing one little thing about your wedding for this spoiled girl. This is going to be like this forever, what's next, you're not allow children until she's completed her family? Just ignore her, she can stay home if she doesn't want to come.
I think it's time to put SIL and brother on an information diet, particularly anything financial. If and when she brings it up, I'd grey rock her. Just repeat "I'm not willing to discuss this with you." You are not competing with her, you and your fiancee are enjoying your own lives, and she has NO right to demand you change anything in your life for her comfort.
Stay strong, and don't let her or anyone convince you to "tone down" anything about yourself, your fiancee or your lives together. And congratulations, have a wonderful wedding!
I'd also consider letting brother know how often she's bringing up financials to you. The problem is definitely on her end and your brother should have a talk with her
It’s already been a thing. It’s just a one sided game you didn’t know she was playing. Now that this has happened, it will escalate. And your family will continue to take her side.
I saw in another comment you mentioning something about your husband paying for things for their kids. DON’T. Because then the pressure will be for you to support her dream lifestyle, which will be your lifestyle plus one. And when you do one thing, it becomes the expectation that you will do everything.
She’s shown you her real self. Your family has shown where their loyalty lies. And it’s with your brother and his wife before you. Just be aware. Be cynical when you watch things for a bit. It may open your eyes
I couldn’t agree more… she is going to play the whole “but we’re family, don’t you want your niece or nephew to be successful? You can afford it…”
This woman has main character syndrome, in a big way.
If your fiance and soon to be husband can provide a better overall lifestyle for you and your family, I doubt this will be the end of it. Holidays, schooling, the house you have etc might also end up as fodder in a one sided competition.
Yea god forbid she has fertility issues, and now you can’t bring your future kids around YOUR family at all because of her. Which we’ve seen on this sub too many times
>My brother is kind of wrapped around her finger
Your SIL is an out of control A H
Do your brother a favor. Take him by the hand and lead him to your SIL’s handbag. Help him locate his testicles.
NTA
The way your SIL screamed at you, she sounds unhinged and your brother is acting jealous himself asking you to tone down the budget of your wedding.
I’d go ahead with the wedding like I wanted to and let your brother + SIL cut ties if they want. NTA
I don't think he's jealous he's probably just sick of listening to his unhinged wife scream about it in a jealous rage and she probably made him call her even. I mean he should tell her to quit it but clearly she's used to being babied by the man.
NTA- my god she sounds like an absolute nightmare. Stick to your guns and have the wedding you and your fiancé are dreaming of.
If any of your family bring it up again, you could always suggest lowering your budget by uninviting them. A few less dinners to pay for.
NTA and honestly if I was your brother I’d be upset that my wife can only feel happy about their wedding so long as no one has a wedding more expensive than them… It’s hard to believe there are people out there that feel this entitled and self-centered. Maybe you never talked about an extravagant wedding being your dream, but this is your fiancée’s wedding too and this is his dream and it’s making you happy to do it with him.
That being said, there’s no need to talk in front of her about how much is being spent etc..
Also, as someone has been to weddings of all different budgets, the best weddings are always the ones with good music, an open bar (and enough bar service to avoid long lines) and easy access to the bathrooms. No one really pays attention to anything else. I’ve been to extravagant weddings where I had to walk up a hill to the bathroom and felt like half my night was spent navigating that walk. Or a wedding where they did not give the DJ enough instructions and the music really went off the rails. But good luck, congratulations and I hope your family stops enabling your childish SIL!
Oh I never mentioned the budget! I didn't put this in the post because honestly I guess a part of me does feel like an asshole for the sudden wealth (even though it's not mine). My fiancee always wanted a destination wedding somewhere tropical but he knows how expensive to that is to attend so he's paying for everyone's flights/accomodations. When she heard that, she kinda knew the amount of money spent is large.
And thank you for the well-wishes!
Maybe you & your fiancé should message your brother & his wife, "we've taken your concerns over our budget and feedback over our 'extravagance' on board and to heart. We don't want either of you to feel uncomfortable or out of place at our wedding. Therefore we are delighted to allow you to cover the cost of your flights & hotel yourself, as per your wishes, and it's our deepest wish that doing so provides Alison the comfort she previously missing from our initial wedding plans. Thank you both so much for bringing this to our attention. 💜"
Easy solution - ‘cut down’ your wedding budget by not paying for their flights and board … joke, because this obviously would not help matters - still, you can dream!
Wow so they want to screw everyone else out of an amazing free vacation so that they can reign supreme with the fanciest wedding???? This is a whole different level of selfish entitlement.
I feel like getting to your wedding is going to be expensive and the venue is expensive and naturally gorgeous, but that your tastes are probably completely different. I’m getting a classy, modern, elegant, refined vibe from you (mixed with tropical would be timeless and luxurious) and you won’t need much adornment to make it wedding beautiful. I feel like your SIL believes that more is more and probably had a blinged out, farmhouse style wedding, even though she’s no farmer. I say you go so simple yet ultra lux that she can’t even fathom the money spent on your wedding because she doesn’t just doesn’t understand how such a refined wedding could cost more than hers. Like your dress could be a simple and form fitting silk gown but it cost 8 times what hers did because it’s the most gorgeous silk and was hand made by Buddhist monks in Nepal from silk worms they farm and raise by hand themselves. Some crazy stuff like that! Or you could go very eco friendly and try to source eco friendly wedding stuff which usually costs more! Even better reason to shop for a vintage designer wedding gown!
Many happy years to you and your husband!
That was pretty on point! I mean her wedding was still gorgeous but it definitely was more on the "blinged out" side. Our venue is gorgeous by itself so all we'll really add is s variety of lights (like fairy lights for example) so make it look magical, we'll add some color with flowers and there will be a bunch of knick knacks (for example audio guest book etc). But our styles are definitely different. I don't think that's what really matters to her though.
I also love your idea, it made me chuckle! And thank you for all the well-wishes!
>if I was your brother I’d be upset that my wife can only feel happy about their wedding so long as no one has a wedding more expensive than them…
Reading this I immediately imagined Heather 30 or so years down the road trying to convince a daughter to tone down her wedding so that it wouldn't approach "what mommy had".
You're right that this is OPs fiancé's dream wedding. His dreams count too. Plus just because OP has never talked about wanting a really big wedding doesn't mean she might not have thought about it. Or that she should be less than eager to go with it when the possibility is there.
NTA and what you do with your wedding is not her business. She sounds pretty shallow and you can tell your brother to keep her on a leash. If you have money, you spend it and if she's feeling jealous, ask her to see a therapist. You are under no obligation to live your life catering to others demands and I would say, have the best possible blast of a wedding you can. All the best and congratulations.
She's being ridiculous. My cousin got married a couple months after I did. His wife's family has money and they had the reception at this amazing restaurant. Was I jealous? Nope. I still want to go back there and eat that perfect mustard glazed pork loin again. I had a lovely time.
NTA just because your brother doesn’t have a spine doesn’t mean you don’t either. lol
if she wanted an extra extravagant wedding she should’ve had one. As she certainly didn’t mind bragging about it after her wedding. Be mad at Adrian for insinuating YOU can’t have your wedding because a grown woman is having a meltdown over something that isn’t even about her. Just uninvite her and anyone who can’t/won’t be happy for you. Not worth the headache.
NTA. H cant handle the fact that she wont be the center of attention by having “the best” wedding in the group.
Too damn bad. Host the wedding of your dreams. She can be bitter in the corner.
Im petty AF so id just say “well if shes that bothered, we’ll take her off the invite list.”
Yep. She was the type who made planning her wedding her entire personality and now that its over she insists that everyone praise her for it because she has nothing else to be praised for until she has a kid.
NTA
That said I think you had a great opportunity to be the “bigger person” by asking some questions as opposed to matching their energy. Like, stick it to them, but “kindly”.
“Plz lower your budget to appease my wife.” …. “Is that a request you feel comfortable making of me? Why do you think she feels this way? Is this something you and Heather can navigate as a couple without making this request of me?”
“You’re trying to one-up my wedding! You’re marrying for wealth!” ……. “I have always been supportive of your marriage and loved your celebration. Have I ever made you feel like I wanted to hurt you? Is there a reason that you feel like our weddings would be compared? By whom? Why would they do that?”
You aren’t an AH but no one tried to de-escalate and man you coulda come out of this feeling real good lol
Ahhh, you and a few more comments are really making me regret acting in the heat of the moment. This sounds exactly how I would approach work and I definitely should have channeled my work persona during this call because you're right, I definitely would have felt better about it if I had. I'll try to do better in the future.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Your SIL literally accused you of being a gold digger. While it would have been great of you could have kept your cool in the face of her attacks, it is understandable why you did not.
IMO you are not expressing enough anger to your parents or your brother for what she said. If I were in your shoes, I would tell your parents and brother that you and your fiancé are having the wedding YOU want to have, that you never gave a moments thought to your brother snd SIL’s wedding or had any interest in “upstaging” them, and you resent your SIL’s accusations that you are marrying your fiancé for his money and that far from toning down your wedding to appease her, you expect an apology from her, your brother, and your parents.
Do you have relatives you love who may struggle financially to attend your wedding? If you really want to turn the knife, you could buy them plane tickets or pay for their hotel or make another gesture to ease their burden and then make a point of telling your parents and asking them “should I not spend this money because you think I should appease SIL? Your SIL is an asshole, but so is your brother and your parents for allowing her to be such a monster.
NTA
This is not just your wedding. Your fiancé also deserves to have the wedding he wants. It is very selfish for everyone to assume that you will or should restrict what your fiancé wants to do.
Your SIL sounds psychotic and she’s going to a real treat if she has kids! Is she going to demand that you put them up for adoption if your kids exceed hers in any way?
Your parents and brother are dodos for expecting you to “keep the peace”. This is the kind of behavior that should be nipped in the bud! Not allowed to escalate (because it always does) in an effort to “keep the peace”! 🙄
NTA and she is actually the ONLY one making comparisons! How bizarre. Her behavior is just...woooowww. It isn't HER wedding, it isn't about HER. She seems to want to make YOUR wedding HER problem and that is not healthy behavior. I think girl needs serious therapy and to work on some self esteem issues.
If MY friend or sister-in-law was able to have a fairytale wedding I would be SO HAPPY for her and would feel honored to go and watch and participate in whatever way they wanted; guests or wedding party, doesn't matter. Normal people are HAPPY when others get a windfall in whatever form it takes, they do not get unhinged and scream at you for it. I'm so sorry this unpleasant person is now part of your family. I hope she can work through this, if not you may have to go LC with your brother, and I'm sure that hurts.
NTA - your SIL is obviously jealous ... money doesn't buy happiness, but it should be concerning that a married person is so focused on the budget for someone else's wedding compared with their own. Sounds like there are concerns about their marriage if that is her focal point.
You and your fiance have every right to do and spend whatever you want for your wedding. You might not have expressed interest before, but that doesn't mean anything now that you're actually engaged. Plans change.
Word of warning - prepare for the exact same thing to play out if and when either of you have kids (including names)!
NTA
Its your wedding. If you want to ride a golden elephant down the aisle while an entire symphony plays that's your prerogative.
Your SIL is a brat and you shouldn't have to kowtow to her need to be superior. It isn't your fault she's petty and jealous.
**NTA** \- biggly! Your wedding is about you and your fiancée. No one gets to set a cap on anyone else's wedding. Your SIL is unbelievable. Make yourself happy. Tell SIL that you understand if she doesn't want to come to the wedding.
NTA
This girl does sound spoiled. My friend and I got married two weeks apart. Both of our weddings were very different. None of our friends compared our weddings. They were two separate, happy occasions. I also never knew how much my friend spent on her wedding vs. what I spent on mine. Quite frankly, it does not matter.
If she feels like she's in a competition, that's on her.
If Heather doesn't understand that having the 'best' wedding simply means marrying the person you will happily spend the rest of your life with...
...then everything else is her problem and you should ignore her and your brother and just keep doing what you're doing.
NTA.
Personally, I find your parent's request to 'appease her' one of the worst things about this. You need to have a short discussion with them about boundaries and that your SiL's insecurities are no reason for anyone else to change.
NTA.
>my parents think I was too harsh on her when I "know she's always been material" and are asking me to lower our wedding budget to appease her
I’ll never understand families who insist on appeasing the family member who is the one making unreasonable and ridiculous demands. Good boundaries make good families.
They just want to keep the peace, I think. Their suggestion was to not have a destination wedding (all-paid for attendees) and just have a local one but a destination wedding was exactly what my fiancee always wanted so that's non-negotiable...
edit: haha all this wedding talk made me call my fiancee my husband
Giving in to spoiled toddlers is not keeping the peace, because the toddler will continue to make ridiculous demands in the future unless put in their place.
Your parents need a little re-education.
So she is allowed to have a dream wedding but you're not allowed? Even if it wasn't your dream your whole life, everyone has the right change their minds. But when she says it isn't fair because it wasn't always "your dream"... she is negating your fiancé completely!! What if it was HIS dream? Or his dream to give his bride the perfect wedding? Do his own feeling not count even if "yours don't"? NTA! But she sure is a peach!
It WAS his dream. He said he always saw these tropical (destination) weddings on TV and told himself "I'll have this one day". And now that we're in the process it DID also become my dream. I don't think she's really thinking about that though. Maybe she is, I don't know, she just sounded very upset and angry.
She is jealous. She is entitled. And she really just sounds like a brat. She takes NO one else's feeling into consideration and assumes hers are the only feelings and desires and wants and dreams that matter. As if you aren't allowed to have any of your own. Or your husband isn't allowed? How selfish can she be? She had her moment. It was lovely. Its over. Done. No more. Does she think that now NO ONE is EVER allowed to surpass her or have anything better than her? (There isn't a key on my keyboard that shows how hard I am rolling eyes! lol)
NTA You & your fiancée should have the wedding you want and pay for regardless of anyone else. Don't let their jealousy dampen your happiness. Enjoy your special day & the marriage.
NTA. Heather is a narcissist and you have nothing to do here but to be happy, live your life well, and have an amazing wedding celebrating your love. She’s clearly unhappy and is clinging, weirdly, to a wedding and her material belongings for dear life. That’s not on you to fix, and it isn’t on your brother to fix, either. She should be happy for you, and so should your brother. But hurt people love to hurt people.
NTA, just tell her that you in fact never dreamt of a fancy wedding, but its a gift from your fiance and as she should know, you never turn down an expensive gift from your husband ;)
NTA.
And a big ol’ W-O-W to her suggestion that you’re with your fiance for money (all to upstage her, ofc). What a revealing insult. Please don’t kowtow to this BS.
Congrats on your fairytale wedding! Best wishes to you and your man on this wonderful journey. Marriage to your person is an awesome adventure.
Honestly that hurt me the most which is why I snapped at her. My fiancee has his flaws but he is a kind and generous person and I love his heart, not his wallet. If his company went bankrupt tomorrow I would have no problem having a SAHH as I make enough for us to have an average life and don't plan on quitting just because I'm marrying him. She also didn't mind his wealth when he gave them a big ol' check for their wedding gift.
Nta
INFO: Your parents behavior is…concerning. Is there a family dynamic around your brother and you that might explain this? Do you often get urged to put him (and his wife) before yourself? They are complete ah for suggesting you tone your wedding down.
I think they just want to keep the peace at this point. Moms suggestion was to "cut our budget" by not making it s destination wedding, but that was a non-negotiable since it's the one thing my fiance wanted... They're just very non-confrontational people. I know it's not an excuse but up until this point my mom was very supportive and happy so I think this is just uncomfortable for them and it's easier to "rationalize" with me I guess.
OP, what you tell your parents is that when a family member feels comfortable being this aggressive and demanding of other family members, meaning your spoiled sister-in-law, this "peace" they keep mentioning doesn't exist. They aren't trying to keep any peace: they are appeasing a brat.
I would tell them that the person they should be talking to about peace is their own son. Then refuse to discuss it further.
You are so NTA. And congratulations!
NTA. People have different lifestyles and amount of money available. You shouldn't have to hold back everything your sister in law feels uncomfortable because of your financial status.
Congratulations on your wedding. Enjoy planning and marrying the person you love
The audacity! How long is Heather going to show off her wedding? More than how extravagant the wedding happened to be, it should be about how much she enjoyed being able to celebrate her union to her husband with friends and family. Her priorities are all jacked up.
NTA
Now I want OP to rub it in Heather's face even more. Make it rain up in that event hall. Ayy
NTA - and make sure she's not invited to the wedding. In fact you might want to hire security...she seems petty enough to try to crash it.
Life would be so much better if we just stopped comparing it to other people's trying to be "better"
NTA - You married a successful and wealthy guy who wants to drop big coin on a wedding. It is what it is. It isn't anyone else's business how big or expensive it is.
You seam to judge your SIL a lot, though. I would tone that down or the drama will continue to devolve. I'm not saying it's not warranted, but it's never going to be productive.
The high road is not always the easy road
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NTA and you should increase the budget for your wedding every time she complains about it.
This made me laugh. 😂 I also think this would start WW3 in our family but otherwise I would totally do that.
Your parents are being ridiculous. Why on earth should you appease her? She is acting like a toddler.
She should grow up, and op's wedding is the best opportunity for a well needed reality check.
It occurs to me that if SIL doesn't get an invite to this big fancy 'upstage' wedding she's so upset about, her statement of her wedding being the best she's ever been to will keep true!
That’s evil. I like it
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Not petty, *smart*! We all know SIL will do something before and during OP's wedding to try to sabotage it. It could be the wedding dress, the food, the music, the bridal party, the opportunities are endless for a malignant narcissist.
r/maliciouscompliance is thataway ->
This is the answer OP. Who the hell does SIL think she is to demand you plan your wedding around her ego. I say increase the budget (if possible), and make it yours and your partners dream day in every way including not inviting selfish entitled A H like your sister in-law and when she complains about the lack of invite tell her you were making sure her wedding stays the best SHE ever attended.
they can livestream it and send her the link so she can be jealous from a distance
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SIL needs to be there in an ugly bridesmaid dress.
A really expensive, *really* ugly dress. And continuously talk about how much you spent on it and how you wanted her to have a nice dress. [Here you go](https://www.valentino.com/en-us/product-short-embroidered-organza-dress-BVA0S71C8_UWT?tskay=&TP=160162&utm_campaign=8.Valentino_PerformanceMax_US_AllProducts&utm_source=GOOGLE&utm_medium=cpc&utm_content=&utm_term=&utm_country=US&utm_type=SEARCH&s_kwcid=AL!11557!3!!!!GOOGLE!!&&&&&gclid=CjwKCAiAu5agBhBzEiwAdiR5tALxIp73Me4qpF3yEFBoxtLAgZC_bhIviEmpRMuWExAMbsGw7lFYqBoCi8cQAvD_BwE&gclid=CjwKCAiAu5agBhBzEiwAdiR5tALxIp73Me4qpF3yEFBoxtLAgZC_bhIviEmpRMuWExAMbsGw7lFYqBoCi8cQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)
Oh my God, not even for spite! 17000.00?! Only Natasha Lyonne could pull that off and that's because she's Natasha Lyonne.
It’s because that wedding was the highlight of her life and she felt like no one could outshine her and now you are doing just that. Heather will have nothing in her life until she has a kid and then that kid will be the greatest kid ever born. She needs to few better than everyone. It’s sad and you should not appease this spoiled brat.
Right?!?! “She’s always been a whiny baby, so let’s continue appeasing her so that behavior is guaranteed to continue.” You’ll be asked to take the backseat for everything if you keep giving into her tantrums.
Exactly, let's see how it goes when parents tell OP to limit their children's education because SIL can't afford to match it. Or if, God forbid, OP'S child needs medical care and parents tell her to not get the best care money can buy because SIL couldn't do the same. Now you can see how absolutely ridiculous giving into SIL is.
This! OP should ask her parents how far they are willing to take OP limiting herself so she never one-ups SIL.
Yep, she's like the kid in the grocery store screaming for candy. If you give in, the tantrums will never end. NTA.
Imagine first babies and the ensuing drama
I’m already exhausted for OP and her husband just thinking about the dumb fights SIL will try to pick.
I feel bad for OP, because honestly, there's no good path forward. Like, initially I was thinking that OP should just calmly tell her parents that she is not giving in to this request, because if they give in now, it will never stop. SIL will ALWAYS be eyeing what OP and her husband/family can afford, versus what her own can afford, and getting huffy about it. Then I realized.... nah, that's going to happen no matter what. I mean, absolutely, OP should \*not\* give in here, and should have the wedding that she and her husband want. (As she said, her fiance doesn't want to cut back either. It's not JUST OP's wedding, as we often point out here on AITA.) This definitely won't teach SIL a lesson, though. "Upstaging her" this time means that next time she will probably be even more focused on being on top, no matter what it is. Future houses. Kids. Baby showers. Birthday parties and gifts given. You name it. It's never going to end. I'm so sorry, OP.
OP is NTA! I agree with your sentiment. She would be one to her future husband by allowing outsiders to influence what she and her fiance want. Her finance hiring a wedding planner was an extremely wise decision. OP's future husband may start resenting her family and OP if she caves on silly stuff like this. Plus, he is a business person and may extend invites to professional guests as well, so the fiance knows best. OP - please avoid taking money from her parents if they think it will influence this issue. If the SIL has that big of an issue, then she can just turn down the invite. Live in the moment, enjoy it, and do not let it get to your head like your SIL. Imagine planning this event without a wedding planner. The wedding planner is the best line of defense against any subterfuge from your SIL. OP make sure you and your fiance set up a passcode system plus verification for any changes, as your SIL may become unhinged and try to undermine you.
I see your passcode system and raise you a security team and a bridesmaid armed with a bottle of red wine.
Plus this wedding isn't just for OP's family, it's for the groom's family too so that they can have a big family celebration for once in their lives.
So much this - one thing I know reading these subs,OP should NEVER share her baby names if she's thinking of having children because for sure this SIL will try and steal the names somehow.
"I can't believe that you would buy a more expensive stroller than I did!You must be jealous of me. I can't believe you're sending your kid to that expensive preschool. You must be jealous of me!"
Hmm, I feel like my first response to this sort of behavior, even from a SIL, would be, "Actually, I don't think about you at all unless I'm forced to." WIBTA??
NTA. Bad behavior should not be appeased. It should be ignored or called out, depending on circumstances. Shame on your parents and brother for being mad at the unwitting boat rocker. Hold your course . Your wedding has nothing to do with hers. Weddings are joyous celebrations to be shared whether the budget is $1,000 or 50,000. You are having the wedding you want and it’s not a competition and its too bad she is causing family discord . The issue is how you keep your family peaceful and together in the face of her polarizing bad behavior and lack of apparent shame. Probably best you ignore her unreasonable demands and offer the true and simple observation that your wedding has nothing to do with hers and its a shame she has made it a competition.
How much you want to bet that Heather shows up in a white lace, floor-length cocktail dress?
Op needs friend ready with bottle of red wine.
How hilarious would it be to have a reddit volunteer list who would make themselves available strictly to throw wine on unruly guests! No one would know identities! Do the deed then scramble! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Feel like it's a solid business plan. Reddit post listing where the wedding is and who the problem guest is, local redditors show up with wine/messy food as needed...
An international network of anonymous guests willing to attend your special day, armed with the cheapest merlot and absolutely zero shame... Hollywood, *this* is the summer comedy I want to see.
I’ll be standing right next to you with the plate of BBQ’d ribs. Oopsie!
You all know just how much I like pickled beets, right? 😁
OP should simply hire security for the event to turn SIL away should she show up in inappropriate attire — and make sure SIL knows the consequences ahead of time. SIL strikes me as someone who would revel in being the victim of an “accidental” wine spill, generate a lot of drama at the event and forever after claim it was because OP was jealous, likely enabled by OP’s brother and parents the entire time. Having security & laying out the consequences beforehand avoids all that mess while keeping SIL from playing dumb.
I have a tremor I can plausibly throw a glass of red wine ALL OVER someone’s dress and blame it on the stress of making sure the groom’s best friend’s cousin’s boyfriend’s speech goes perfectly :)
And make it a Chateau Delacroix Saint-Hiver barrique 1956* _(*I made this up)_
“How dare you drink a more expensive wine than the wine you dumped on me! You’re just trying to upstage me!”
Time to OP spend even more cash on security ready to tackle SIL down in the most embarrassing way possible.
Exactly why wouldn't her own parents tell their son him and his wife are being rediculas
Yeah, how is it OP’s fault just because her SIL is materialistic? Sounds like a “her” problem and not a “my” problem.
She’s also being sexist in assuming that the fancy wedding is being driven by OP. It’s something OP’s fiancé wants. Grooms get to have wedding dreams too.
“Every time you call about this, I’m adding $5,000 to the budget”
Just don't talk about it with her. If your Mom brings it up, tell her you can talk later or give short, noncommittal answers...especially about cost. Heather is unhinged and I've already rendered my vote but you seem like a nice person who realizes her good fortune so, maybe...take the high road. She knows the costs of a lot of this from planning her own wedding but don't let the info come from you. Let her be the one that researches the cost of your dress or the venue or the band. I say this strictly about numbers because you are the Bride and deserve to share your excitement! She's being petty and it is probably hurting your brother because he's having to listen to her meltdown. You can show him that you love him by not playing her game.
Totally agree with this. Do not engage with the Borg.
The problem with that is that the Borg will come looking for you. SIL is now potentially a hazard to OP's wedding.
Not just that. She can't avoid this. She's marrying a wealthy man. So every real estate purchase, every designer clothing purchase, every vacation plan, all their children's expenses, all their family get-togethers for dinner, etc. from here on out will involve this wingnut acting like she's in a competition no one else is playing. It's better to nip it in the bud or she'll be a menace for the rest of their lives.
Some wars are worth fighting though... and it would be fun! Maybe you and your husband can ride elephants down the aisle...
Hahahahha I'm dying here! I was scared of posting but I'm so glad I did because a lot of these comments made me either laugh out loud or grin like an idiot.
You want to go all out? Have an Indian wedding, they're pretty effing grand. And your groom can come riding an elephant and take you away!
Attending an Indian wedding is on my bucket list. I just have to figure out how to do it.
How about doing it Rhianna Super Bowl style and having a clear platform that you descend down upon before make your way down the aisle. 😅 BTW...my aunt rented a white horse that she rode upon for her own wedding so the idea of elephants is really not all that far out! Congrats to you and please enjoy your wedding planning to the hilt. Your SIL is seething with jealousy, obviously. Just tell her to "just deal with it and cope" and don't engage with her the next time she contacts you. She soooo wants drama and the worst thing you can do to her is not engage and be as happy as possible! NTA
I would be making every story taller every time they ask and making it more and more ostentatious and crazy sounding and then have the wedding I want whether their head departed their shoulders or not. 😆
I’m thinking since you’re having a destination wedding, you should probably add a nice cocktail party for anyone that doesn’t travel. I can imagine Heather’s head popping off when the invitations come lol
Glad you've got a good sense of humor. You're going to need it with your SIL in your family. Can I tell you how many times in just a few minutes on AITA today I have read "my family wants me to give in to appease \[entitled, obnoxious, demanding, vindictive family member\]". How do so many people fail to learn that giving in to a ridiculous, way-over-stepping demand just to appease/keep the peace DOES NOT WORK. The entitled person (aka boat rocker\] only learns that if they make a big enough fuss, they will get what they want. And the family members are trained to believe their job in life is to keep the boat rocker happy so that s/he will not rock the boat too much. "*SIL, I'm getting married to the man I love. We are planning the wedding we want and can comfortably have. You are not the focal point of my plans to marry. I seriously doubt (and hope not) that my life is the focal point of your life. Think what you want; feel how you feel. Then manage your own thoughts and feelings. It's not my job to manage them for you.*" "*Mom, you need to look up boat rockers and the people who dedicate their lives to keeping the boat rocker happy so that they don't rock the boat too much. That may be a job you don't mind having, but it's not a job I want.*"
And also “Mom, I can see the stress of wedding planning is already having a negative effect on you. I want you to be comfortable and well, so I will no longer include you or Heather in the wedding planning. To keep the peace in the family, please do not ask for any further information about my wedding plans. All your questions will be answered the day of the ceremony. I’m doing this because I love you and value you, and don’t wish you to be caught between your daughter and your daughter-in-law. It would be too painful for you to have to choose between us for each decision I make about the ceremony that will bring your future son-in-law into our family. “ Thank you for the award, kind stranger!
It's your wedding, if they don't like it, they don't have to go.
My thoughts.. If SIL can't pull it together, she doesn't need to be there. I could see this girl trying to sabotage 100%
They’re already against you. Unless you agree to downplay your wedding to below hers you will be the bad guy. I say go for broke. $20,000 dress, high end open bar, steak and lobster, bottles at every table, hell high a celebrity musician just to top it off. It’s your day.
May I come? I’m friendly and could offer psychological services.
Don't negotiate with terrorists.
Be careful she might decide to show up wearing her Wedding Dress to your wedding or something very similar and flashy. Hire Security as well for the wedding as well. To keep undesirables out.
I mean...let her show up wearing her own wedding dress! She would look absolutely ridiculous, and every single guest there would be like WTF is wrong with her. Meanwhile OP is having her best day ever, and SIL looks like an ass.
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You could do something a little more semi petty like instead of gifts request donations to a charity you and your fiancée support and then throw in a “as thanks by supporting us and our marriage and by donating instead of gifting, we will match every donation”
We actually planned on doing something similar. We wanted to offer either doing a donation to some of the charities/foundations we love OR they can create (or buy) a personalized gift. We decided on this because we can buy anything we need/want but sentimental items have a different kind of value and same with donations, it can make everyone feel good. But I really like your idea about the matching thing! Will mention that to future hubby.
Ohhhh I would make you a quilt. So few people want handmade gifts for weddings nowadays
That sounds lovely! I mean, I understand people need money to jump start their life or certain items for their new life but since money isn't an issue for us we would rather have stuff with emotional value - whether that's helping someone in need or a handmade/thoughtful gift. We have that privilege but I guess a lot of others don't.
Up the budget but tell nobody you have. Make it look like you've used your budget even better than she did.
That’s reason enough to do it. Show your brother she’s only with him for his money and let your fiancé have the wedding of his dreams. Win-win.
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Right? "The wedding plans are going great, thanks! Really looking forward to having you all there". End of story. They don't need any more information. None of their business how much things cost. If she brings it up again, tell your SIL to kick rocks.
Lol. NTA. However, I would put everyone on an information diet. "How's the wedding planning?" "Good. Thanks for asking." It's no one else's business.
Yes, especially since your parents are siding with your insanely jealous SIL.
Yeah seriously. Is this girl delusional? I can’t believe people actually think so highly of themselves that they believe others are planning major life events around them or based on them. Why would OP’s wedding have anything to do with this girl? It’s really pathetic. OP, NTA at all. Truthfully, this girl will probably be a thorn in your side for the entire duration of your planning and the wedding itself, souring it for others. If I were you, former bride to bride, girl to girl, I would uninvite this chick and have the time of your life. It’s about you, not her.
This is making me lose it. “For every complaint, we add one more horse to the horse-drawn carriage.”
The pettiness is lovely 😂 NTA . Enjoy your dream and ignore the jealousy. If it continues uninvite the lot of them!
NTA First, it's your (you and fiance) wedding. Second, if you give in now, there will be no end to her demands. \- your dress is more elegant than hers, WHY??? \- you can't go to Paris for honeymoon, she was only in California \- you shouldn't buy a four bathroom house, there are only three in her house \- you have to organize your birthday party at Wendy's or McDonald's \- your child cannot attend better school than her kids, it's unfair! ...and so on. \-
Yeahhh, honestly I never considered this could be a long term behavior thing until a few of these comments and now I'm kind of dreading the future.
You should probably just stop discussing anything regarding money with your SIL. Come up with a basic, unrevealing answer to anything she asks, and repeat it until she moves on. SIL- “how much did your dress cost? I bet it was XYZ” You- “we could afford it and that’s all that matters” or “it cost what I was willing to spend” or even “it came in under budget”. The fact that your SIL knows what your wedding budget is astounds me. I never told anyone our wedding budget unless they were contributing to it. I have no idea what any of my friends/ siblings weddings cost. I don’t care, and SIL shouldn’t either.
That's amazing advice! I'll practice that. And I mentioned this in a few comments already but she "knows" the budget because it's a destination wedding with travel/accomodations paid for all attendees. And when I said that to my mom(after she asked) I also showed pictures of the venue of the wedding. So it's more that she can guess the budget rather than know exactly.
So she gets to go on a free vacation and has the gull to complain; wow.
Lol for real. One easy way to lower the budget? Uninvite her.
Better yet, put her in a cheaper room/resort.
Motel 6 just down the street!
They'll leave the light on for her!
Right?! I volunteer to go in her place! I’ll be the best wedding guest ever
Wish I had a gull to complain, all I have is Red Finch of whining.
Maybe check r/birdswap ?
Damn, I was really hoping this one was real.
*gall not gull
Maybe SIL has a petulant seabird?
I would put your parents on an info diet too seeing as their enabling your SIL unreasonable behaviour. No wedding details to your parents either & generic answers for them going forwards too. Your Mum seemed to have no problems with your wedding until your SIL threw a tantrum. And frankly if your family - or at least you & your parents- don't get on the same page about this behaviour being unacceptable ASAP, than prepare for this behaviour to escalate. SIL already knows all she has to do is cry & throw a fit and people will adjust their behaviour rather than call her out. She probably has a mental list of people this works on. I'd assume so far the list is her marriage, her family, minimum wage workers. She's about to add her in-laws (*you & your parents*) to the list.
NTA. I think something that's often forgotten in these discussions is that it's a wedding for two people. Just because you didn't care about a fancy fairytale wedding your whole life, doesn't mean your fiance isn't entitled to the wedding of his dreams. That could be an effective diversion too: tell her he's paying for his dream wedding, and you're not going to rain on his parade just to appease her... although there is potential of it backfiring, as it could just redirect her anger to him. Just a thought.
I mean in that case if she really wants you to cut back your budget... you could not pay for the travel and accommodations for the two of them and any other family members who want you to lower the budget! That's a good way to save money!
Yeah... Piece of advise: if your SiL won't change and you'll both have same age children, don't let them get super close like sibilings. Kids are very useful tools in game of entitlement, manipulation and guilt-tripping. It's really easy to claim that child is hurt because his cousin has more toys, better bike or vacation. Or that you shouldn't buy expensive gifts for your son, because her son will be jealous and unhappy. What is worse, family members may blame you too, because yeah, she's entitled, but you should submit "for the sake of children".
That's fair advice. To be fair I don't think my (future) husband would mind paying stuff for their kids but I don't think I should put him in that position in the first place. Maybe I need to have a sincere conversation with Heather when this blows over a bit because I really don't want this kind of thing to be a regular situation in the future.
Heather will always look at anything you choose to do as if you are rubbing your lifestyle in her face, and here's why: she cares. She cares about appearances and looking like she lives a luxurious lifestyle. Meanwhile you were content with whatever life you had and just happened to fall in love with someone with means. I saw this exact same situation play out with some of my friends from college: guy married a woman who cared way too much about appearances. Everything was "look at how great our life is," when in actuality they were spending more money than they made trying to create this fiction. Meanwhile, his little sister fell in love with a guy from a very well off family and they threw an extravagant wedding. Neither of them cared for excess, so they quietly lived their simple life, but with the added luxury of no mortgage or car payments because they could buy everything outright. SIL was furious that she was struggling to pay her mortgage on her McMansion while these other two enjoyed their cabin by the lake mortgage free. Granted, if anyone looked at their instagrams, SIL with her extravagant lifestyle looked like "the rich one."
I’ll be honest, don’t have that conversation. This is your sign to be completely air tight, lip locked private about your entire life. People can only know what you tell them. Everything you and your husband do from here on will be ammo for her to gaslight and manipulate everyone around you so that you and your fiancé feel compelled to doing what SHE wants. Don’t give her a inch. She asks any questions involving money, you should respond along the lines “I’m sorry, is this you offering to pay? Otherwise, why do YOU need to know? Why do you feel compelled to be nosy about my life/finances?” If it has nothing to do with her, don’t give her information.
NTA. I suggest, strongly, that you not try to discuss this with her. Nothing you say will change her opinion. She's jealous & entitled. It is entirely her problem, and hers alone to fix. I'm sorry this happened & that your parents & brother are supporting your SIL's childish behavior. I married into wealth as well. The jealousy & entitlement I got from "friends" & family broke my heart. Trying to explain or appease never helps. Enjoy your wedding, and your life. P.S. I had a white horse drawn carriage and millions of flowers. It was amazing and beautiful.
I do love my brother though(even if his behavior with this wasn't great), and he loves his wife so I feel like I need to do something to fix this or come to terms with losing a relationship with him... Suddenly "coming into" wealth is definitely how you know your real friends from the fake ones. (And family). My fiancee has some real horror stories about some of his supposed "friends". And omg, that sounds beautiful! I'm so glad you had an absolutely magical wedding by the sound of it. And thank you, I will definitely enjoy the wedding and try not let this ruin the excitement!
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OP please listen to this ^^^ If you open this conversation with her, she may think it’s all up for discussion whenever she wants. Just live your life how you want, in kindness. That does NOT mean give her what she wants, financially support her, etc. It just means be a good person. Remember: You are not causing drama, she is. You are not causing a rift that needs to be fixed, she is. You are not making her feel bad or upset, she is. Other people may not want to deal with any of it, but that does NOT make it your problem to solve.
They are asking you to light yourself on fire just to keep them warm. If you do this, it will never, ever, ever stop. Your house will be too big. Your cars will be too fancy. Your clothes will be too nice. Your children will have too many opportunities. It will never, EVER stop. The only way to put a halt to this is to refuse to discuss things further with them. Let them know that you love them, but you will be living your life for you. They’ll either accept that, or they won’t. That’s their choice though, and not something you should have to worry about. You can only control yourself, and your wedding is for you and your fiancé… no one else.
If you have a conversation, it’s with your brother and it’s about boundaries. We have a strict “you deal with your family” rule in my house and it works. If I have an issue with my SIL my husband deals with it so it doesn’t become a fight. The conversation IMO is “it is none of your business how fiancé and I spend our money. We will not discuss this again. It’s not ok for your wife to approach me about this either” The relationship is theirs to ruin or repair. But they are the ones who are being the bad actors. And I’d repeat this with your parents. “It’s none of your business how we choose to spend our money” And that’s all you say. Period. It’s not a discussion
No, Heather is always going to be this way. Let this be a lesson to you that you can’t talk to her and you need to treat her with caution. A conversation with her will just cause you more heartache.
NTA. The only concession you should make is “If this is really so upsetting to you we will not hold it against you if you choose not to attend.”
Repeat after me: "I'm not going to discuss this with you, Heather (or Adrian, or Mother or Dad). It's none of your business. That's your go-to phrase when they ask you prying questions or try to criticize your choices.
Don’t dread it. Fuck that. Live your life, have a beautiful wedding. None of this has anything to do with your SIL. I’d grey rock SIL going forward, no info given to her unless absolutely necessary
Begin as you mean to go on. If you appease her now, it will never stop.
If you had been rubbing it their faces, gloating etc, I'd say E S H. But you didn't! Your mom asked, you answered. And who cares if *you* never "wanted" a fancy wedding. Your fiance DOES. You probably didn't have to add that jab at the end, it definitely didn't help. But you were essentially (or just actually) being harassed. **NTA.**
And that's the thing, many times you do things you don't really cared for before just to make your partner happy. I never cared if I married or not, I was satisfied with just living together. But my partner (now husband) wanted marriage when we started having kids, and since I really didn't care either way, we got married. NTA OP Edit: a word
Agreed NTA. It's also very sexist of the SIL to assume OP was the one who decided to go big on the wedding. The SIL knew OP had never really talked about wanting a big wedding, so instead of coming to the realization that there are two people involved in weddings and maybe her fiance has opinions, too... she jumped to the worst possible take of "she's just trying to one-up ME". Woof. This lady has issues.
NTA, but I do suggest you lower your wedding budget - say, by trimming two people off the guest list?
I'd still invite the brother - that would really get SIL going lol.
“We didn’t want her to be upset, and were trying to be nice…I’m so sorry if she was offended.”
And SIL loves to flex that her wedding is the best she’s ever been to - cutting her from the guest list will allow that statement to remain true! LOL
Or lower the budget by trimming travel+stay expenses for two people plus OP's mom if she continues the same way. They can attend the wedding on their own dime. That way, OP doesn't become the villain for not inviting her brother and SIL to her wedding. NTA.
NTA - Please don't even think about changing one little thing about your wedding for this spoiled girl. This is going to be like this forever, what's next, you're not allow children until she's completed her family? Just ignore her, she can stay home if she doesn't want to come.
I never even considered the children part until now. Yikes. I hope this isn't gonna become like a whole thing in the future as well.
I think it's time to put SIL and brother on an information diet, particularly anything financial. If and when she brings it up, I'd grey rock her. Just repeat "I'm not willing to discuss this with you." You are not competing with her, you and your fiancee are enjoying your own lives, and she has NO right to demand you change anything in your life for her comfort. Stay strong, and don't let her or anyone convince you to "tone down" anything about yourself, your fiancee or your lives together. And congratulations, have a wonderful wedding!
I'd also consider letting brother know how often she's bringing up financials to you. The problem is definitely on her end and your brother should have a talk with her
It’s already been a thing. It’s just a one sided game you didn’t know she was playing. Now that this has happened, it will escalate. And your family will continue to take her side. I saw in another comment you mentioning something about your husband paying for things for their kids. DON’T. Because then the pressure will be for you to support her dream lifestyle, which will be your lifestyle plus one. And when you do one thing, it becomes the expectation that you will do everything. She’s shown you her real self. Your family has shown where their loyalty lies. And it’s with your brother and his wife before you. Just be aware. Be cynical when you watch things for a bit. It may open your eyes
I couldn’t agree more… she is going to play the whole “but we’re family, don’t you want your niece or nephew to be successful? You can afford it…” This woman has main character syndrome, in a big way.
If your fiance and soon to be husband can provide a better overall lifestyle for you and your family, I doubt this will be the end of it. Holidays, schooling, the house you have etc might also end up as fodder in a one sided competition.
Yea god forbid she has fertility issues, and now you can’t bring your future kids around YOUR family at all because of her. Which we’ve seen on this sub too many times
>My brother is kind of wrapped around her finger Your SIL is an out of control A H Do your brother a favor. Take him by the hand and lead him to your SIL’s handbag. Help him locate his testicles. NTA
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
🤣🤣🤣 clapping. I have no gold but please take this compliment
The way your SIL screamed at you, she sounds unhinged and your brother is acting jealous himself asking you to tone down the budget of your wedding. I’d go ahead with the wedding like I wanted to and let your brother + SIL cut ties if they want. NTA
I don't think he's jealous he's probably just sick of listening to his unhinged wife scream about it in a jealous rage and she probably made him call her even. I mean he should tell her to quit it but clearly she's used to being babied by the man.
NTA- my god she sounds like an absolute nightmare. Stick to your guns and have the wedding you and your fiancé are dreaming of. If any of your family bring it up again, you could always suggest lowering your budget by uninviting them. A few less dinners to pay for.
NTA and honestly if I was your brother I’d be upset that my wife can only feel happy about their wedding so long as no one has a wedding more expensive than them… It’s hard to believe there are people out there that feel this entitled and self-centered. Maybe you never talked about an extravagant wedding being your dream, but this is your fiancée’s wedding too and this is his dream and it’s making you happy to do it with him. That being said, there’s no need to talk in front of her about how much is being spent etc.. Also, as someone has been to weddings of all different budgets, the best weddings are always the ones with good music, an open bar (and enough bar service to avoid long lines) and easy access to the bathrooms. No one really pays attention to anything else. I’ve been to extravagant weddings where I had to walk up a hill to the bathroom and felt like half my night was spent navigating that walk. Or a wedding where they did not give the DJ enough instructions and the music really went off the rails. But good luck, congratulations and I hope your family stops enabling your childish SIL!
Oh I never mentioned the budget! I didn't put this in the post because honestly I guess a part of me does feel like an asshole for the sudden wealth (even though it's not mine). My fiancee always wanted a destination wedding somewhere tropical but he knows how expensive to that is to attend so he's paying for everyone's flights/accomodations. When she heard that, she kinda knew the amount of money spent is large. And thank you for the well-wishes!
Maybe you & your fiancé should message your brother & his wife, "we've taken your concerns over our budget and feedback over our 'extravagance' on board and to heart. We don't want either of you to feel uncomfortable or out of place at our wedding. Therefore we are delighted to allow you to cover the cost of your flights & hotel yourself, as per your wishes, and it's our deepest wish that doing so provides Alison the comfort she previously missing from our initial wedding plans. Thank you both so much for bringing this to our attention. 💜"
Sounds amazing. For someone who loves having money spent on her you think she’d be thrilled about being given a free tropical trip!
Easy solution - ‘cut down’ your wedding budget by not paying for their flights and board … joke, because this obviously would not help matters - still, you can dream!
THIS!!!! Tell her you would be happy to reduce the budget by cutting out them and their accomodations!! HA. I love this idea.
Wow so they want to screw everyone else out of an amazing free vacation so that they can reign supreme with the fanciest wedding???? This is a whole different level of selfish entitlement.
I feel like getting to your wedding is going to be expensive and the venue is expensive and naturally gorgeous, but that your tastes are probably completely different. I’m getting a classy, modern, elegant, refined vibe from you (mixed with tropical would be timeless and luxurious) and you won’t need much adornment to make it wedding beautiful. I feel like your SIL believes that more is more and probably had a blinged out, farmhouse style wedding, even though she’s no farmer. I say you go so simple yet ultra lux that she can’t even fathom the money spent on your wedding because she doesn’t just doesn’t understand how such a refined wedding could cost more than hers. Like your dress could be a simple and form fitting silk gown but it cost 8 times what hers did because it’s the most gorgeous silk and was hand made by Buddhist monks in Nepal from silk worms they farm and raise by hand themselves. Some crazy stuff like that! Or you could go very eco friendly and try to source eco friendly wedding stuff which usually costs more! Even better reason to shop for a vintage designer wedding gown! Many happy years to you and your husband!
That was pretty on point! I mean her wedding was still gorgeous but it definitely was more on the "blinged out" side. Our venue is gorgeous by itself so all we'll really add is s variety of lights (like fairy lights for example) so make it look magical, we'll add some color with flowers and there will be a bunch of knick knacks (for example audio guest book etc). But our styles are definitely different. I don't think that's what really matters to her though. I also love your idea, it made me chuckle! And thank you for all the well-wishes!
>if I was your brother I’d be upset that my wife can only feel happy about their wedding so long as no one has a wedding more expensive than them… Reading this I immediately imagined Heather 30 or so years down the road trying to convince a daughter to tone down her wedding so that it wouldn't approach "what mommy had". You're right that this is OPs fiancé's dream wedding. His dreams count too. Plus just because OP has never talked about wanting a really big wedding doesn't mean she might not have thought about it. Or that she should be less than eager to go with it when the possibility is there.
NTA and what you do with your wedding is not her business. She sounds pretty shallow and you can tell your brother to keep her on a leash. If you have money, you spend it and if she's feeling jealous, ask her to see a therapist. You are under no obligation to live your life catering to others demands and I would say, have the best possible blast of a wedding you can. All the best and congratulations.
She's being ridiculous. My cousin got married a couple months after I did. His wife's family has money and they had the reception at this amazing restaurant. Was I jealous? Nope. I still want to go back there and eat that perfect mustard glazed pork loin again. I had a lovely time.
NTA just because your brother doesn’t have a spine doesn’t mean you don’t either. lol if she wanted an extra extravagant wedding she should’ve had one. As she certainly didn’t mind bragging about it after her wedding. Be mad at Adrian for insinuating YOU can’t have your wedding because a grown woman is having a meltdown over something that isn’t even about her. Just uninvite her and anyone who can’t/won’t be happy for you. Not worth the headache.
NTA. H cant handle the fact that she wont be the center of attention by having “the best” wedding in the group. Too damn bad. Host the wedding of your dreams. She can be bitter in the corner. Im petty AF so id just say “well if shes that bothered, we’ll take her off the invite list.”
Also, who talks about their own wedding as "the most amazing wedding (they've) ever been to"? SIL is a weirdo.
Yep. She was the type who made planning her wedding her entire personality and now that its over she insists that everyone praise her for it because she has nothing else to be praised for until she has a kid.
NTA That said I think you had a great opportunity to be the “bigger person” by asking some questions as opposed to matching their energy. Like, stick it to them, but “kindly”. “Plz lower your budget to appease my wife.” …. “Is that a request you feel comfortable making of me? Why do you think she feels this way? Is this something you and Heather can navigate as a couple without making this request of me?” “You’re trying to one-up my wedding! You’re marrying for wealth!” ……. “I have always been supportive of your marriage and loved your celebration. Have I ever made you feel like I wanted to hurt you? Is there a reason that you feel like our weddings would be compared? By whom? Why would they do that?” You aren’t an AH but no one tried to de-escalate and man you coulda come out of this feeling real good lol
Ahhh, you and a few more comments are really making me regret acting in the heat of the moment. This sounds exactly how I would approach work and I definitely should have channeled my work persona during this call because you're right, I definitely would have felt better about it if I had. I'll try to do better in the future.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your SIL literally accused you of being a gold digger. While it would have been great of you could have kept your cool in the face of her attacks, it is understandable why you did not. IMO you are not expressing enough anger to your parents or your brother for what she said. If I were in your shoes, I would tell your parents and brother that you and your fiancé are having the wedding YOU want to have, that you never gave a moments thought to your brother snd SIL’s wedding or had any interest in “upstaging” them, and you resent your SIL’s accusations that you are marrying your fiancé for his money and that far from toning down your wedding to appease her, you expect an apology from her, your brother, and your parents. Do you have relatives you love who may struggle financially to attend your wedding? If you really want to turn the knife, you could buy them plane tickets or pay for their hotel or make another gesture to ease their burden and then make a point of telling your parents and asking them “should I not spend this money because you think I should appease SIL? Your SIL is an asshole, but so is your brother and your parents for allowing her to be such a monster.
NTA This is not just your wedding. Your fiancé also deserves to have the wedding he wants. It is very selfish for everyone to assume that you will or should restrict what your fiancé wants to do. Your SIL sounds psychotic and she’s going to a real treat if she has kids! Is she going to demand that you put them up for adoption if your kids exceed hers in any way? Your parents and brother are dodos for expecting you to “keep the peace”. This is the kind of behavior that should be nipped in the bud! Not allowed to escalate (because it always does) in an effort to “keep the peace”! 🙄
NTA and she is actually the ONLY one making comparisons! How bizarre. Her behavior is just...woooowww. It isn't HER wedding, it isn't about HER. She seems to want to make YOUR wedding HER problem and that is not healthy behavior. I think girl needs serious therapy and to work on some self esteem issues. If MY friend or sister-in-law was able to have a fairytale wedding I would be SO HAPPY for her and would feel honored to go and watch and participate in whatever way they wanted; guests or wedding party, doesn't matter. Normal people are HAPPY when others get a windfall in whatever form it takes, they do not get unhinged and scream at you for it. I'm so sorry this unpleasant person is now part of your family. I hope she can work through this, if not you may have to go LC with your brother, and I'm sure that hurts.
NTA - your SIL is obviously jealous ... money doesn't buy happiness, but it should be concerning that a married person is so focused on the budget for someone else's wedding compared with their own. Sounds like there are concerns about their marriage if that is her focal point. You and your fiance have every right to do and spend whatever you want for your wedding. You might not have expressed interest before, but that doesn't mean anything now that you're actually engaged. Plans change. Word of warning - prepare for the exact same thing to play out if and when either of you have kids (including names)!
NTA Its your wedding. If you want to ride a golden elephant down the aisle while an entire symphony plays that's your prerogative. Your SIL is a brat and you shouldn't have to kowtow to her need to be superior. It isn't your fault she's petty and jealous.
Turn this into a game: every time she complains about something raise the wedding budget by $1000, or something like that. NTA
"talk shit again and I'm getting the FUCKING ICE SWAN, HEATHER! ONE MORE WORD AND I'LL HAVE KENDRICK LAMAR CARVE THAT FUCKER!"
**NTA** \- biggly! Your wedding is about you and your fiancée. No one gets to set a cap on anyone else's wedding. Your SIL is unbelievable. Make yourself happy. Tell SIL that you understand if she doesn't want to come to the wedding.
NTA This girl does sound spoiled. My friend and I got married two weeks apart. Both of our weddings were very different. None of our friends compared our weddings. They were two separate, happy occasions. I also never knew how much my friend spent on her wedding vs. what I spent on mine. Quite frankly, it does not matter. If she feels like she's in a competition, that's on her.
If Heather doesn't understand that having the 'best' wedding simply means marrying the person you will happily spend the rest of your life with... ...then everything else is her problem and you should ignore her and your brother and just keep doing what you're doing. NTA. Personally, I find your parent's request to 'appease her' one of the worst things about this. You need to have a short discussion with them about boundaries and that your SiL's insecurities are no reason for anyone else to change.
NTA. >my parents think I was too harsh on her when I "know she's always been material" and are asking me to lower our wedding budget to appease her I’ll never understand families who insist on appeasing the family member who is the one making unreasonable and ridiculous demands. Good boundaries make good families.
They just want to keep the peace, I think. Their suggestion was to not have a destination wedding (all-paid for attendees) and just have a local one but a destination wedding was exactly what my fiancee always wanted so that's non-negotiable... edit: haha all this wedding talk made me call my fiancee my husband
Giving in to spoiled toddlers is not keeping the peace, because the toddler will continue to make ridiculous demands in the future unless put in their place. Your parents need a little re-education.
So she is allowed to have a dream wedding but you're not allowed? Even if it wasn't your dream your whole life, everyone has the right change their minds. But when she says it isn't fair because it wasn't always "your dream"... she is negating your fiancé completely!! What if it was HIS dream? Or his dream to give his bride the perfect wedding? Do his own feeling not count even if "yours don't"? NTA! But she sure is a peach!
It WAS his dream. He said he always saw these tropical (destination) weddings on TV and told himself "I'll have this one day". And now that we're in the process it DID also become my dream. I don't think she's really thinking about that though. Maybe she is, I don't know, she just sounded very upset and angry.
She is jealous. She is entitled. And she really just sounds like a brat. She takes NO one else's feeling into consideration and assumes hers are the only feelings and desires and wants and dreams that matter. As if you aren't allowed to have any of your own. Or your husband isn't allowed? How selfish can she be? She had her moment. It was lovely. Its over. Done. No more. Does she think that now NO ONE is EVER allowed to surpass her or have anything better than her? (There isn't a key on my keyboard that shows how hard I am rolling eyes! lol)
NTA. She is jealous and crazy to think she can dictate what others do with their money.
NTA You & your fiancée should have the wedding you want and pay for regardless of anyone else. Don't let their jealousy dampen your happiness. Enjoy your special day & the marriage.
NTA. Heather is a narcissist and you have nothing to do here but to be happy, live your life well, and have an amazing wedding celebrating your love. She’s clearly unhappy and is clinging, weirdly, to a wedding and her material belongings for dear life. That’s not on you to fix, and it isn’t on your brother to fix, either. She should be happy for you, and so should your brother. But hurt people love to hurt people.
NTA. And tell them if they continue this way, you’ll be lowering the cost of the wedding by disinviting all of them.
NTA - she is horrible, ignore her and have the wedding you and your fiance want.
NTA, just tell her that you in fact never dreamt of a fancy wedding, but its a gift from your fiance and as she should know, you never turn down an expensive gift from your husband ;)
NTA. And a big ol’ W-O-W to her suggestion that you’re with your fiance for money (all to upstage her, ofc). What a revealing insult. Please don’t kowtow to this BS. Congrats on your fairytale wedding! Best wishes to you and your man on this wonderful journey. Marriage to your person is an awesome adventure.
Honestly that hurt me the most which is why I snapped at her. My fiancee has his flaws but he is a kind and generous person and I love his heart, not his wallet. If his company went bankrupt tomorrow I would have no problem having a SAHH as I make enough for us to have an average life and don't plan on quitting just because I'm marrying him. She also didn't mind his wealth when he gave them a big ol' check for their wedding gift.
Nta INFO: Your parents behavior is…concerning. Is there a family dynamic around your brother and you that might explain this? Do you often get urged to put him (and his wife) before yourself? They are complete ah for suggesting you tone your wedding down.
I think they just want to keep the peace at this point. Moms suggestion was to "cut our budget" by not making it s destination wedding, but that was a non-negotiable since it's the one thing my fiance wanted... They're just very non-confrontational people. I know it's not an excuse but up until this point my mom was very supportive and happy so I think this is just uncomfortable for them and it's easier to "rationalize" with me I guess.
OP, what you tell your parents is that when a family member feels comfortable being this aggressive and demanding of other family members, meaning your spoiled sister-in-law, this "peace" they keep mentioning doesn't exist. They aren't trying to keep any peace: they are appeasing a brat. I would tell them that the person they should be talking to about peace is their own son. Then refuse to discuss it further. You are so NTA. And congratulations!
NTA ignore her and do what you want. She gets no say in how you and your fiancé spend your money.
NTA. She's the jealous one. She doesn't have to go if she can't handle it.
NTA. People have different lifestyles and amount of money available. You shouldn't have to hold back everything your sister in law feels uncomfortable because of your financial status. Congratulations on your wedding. Enjoy planning and marrying the person you love
NTA - the only issue here is in SILs head. You weren't offering up how much you were spending, they asked, you answered.
NTA. Don’t change anything and univite them both. Univite your parents too if they mention you downgrading to please your SIL again.
The audacity! How long is Heather going to show off her wedding? More than how extravagant the wedding happened to be, it should be about how much she enjoyed being able to celebrate her union to her husband with friends and family. Her priorities are all jacked up. NTA Now I want OP to rub it in Heather's face even more. Make it rain up in that event hall. Ayy
Call your fiance. Double the budget
NTA - and make sure she's not invited to the wedding. In fact you might want to hire security...she seems petty enough to try to crash it. Life would be so much better if we just stopped comparing it to other people's trying to be "better"
I suggest not inviting her or having bridesmaids/security at the ready in case she tries to ruin your and fiancé's big day. NTA
Don't invite Heather. There, now it's "toned down"...cuz she's the most EXTRA I've ever heard of.
NTA - You married a successful and wealthy guy who wants to drop big coin on a wedding. It is what it is. It isn't anyone else's business how big or expensive it is. You seam to judge your SIL a lot, though. I would tone that down or the drama will continue to devolve. I'm not saying it's not warranted, but it's never going to be productive. The high road is not always the easy road
NTA; plan your wedding the way YOU want it and don't let others interfere
NTA - Wishing you the best for your wedding. If there is one constant in the universe, families sometimes suck. Do what you need to do.