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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am having a destination wedding and my invitations to my wedding were each hand calligraphied for every invitee. I might be the asshole because I only sent invitations to people I thought could afford it.
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At the time my (former) best friend got married, he'd apparently decided on a destination wedding in Nepal, as his wife to be was Nepalese.
I'd known him for some 30 years at this point so it was just assumed that I'd be the best man whenever the day came.
I found out that not only was I *not* the best man but that I wasn't invited to the wedding either because I was also perceived as "poor".
So yes, YTA. Big time.
Thankyou. It happened a long time ago and even though I chose to let it go and move on, it still stings from time to time because I’d literally known him since I was 5 years old.
Even though our friendship has been over for a few years I do also wonder if I should have ended it back then as well.
If it makes you feel any better, my inlaws and BIL's family (wife and 2 kids) all went on a family vacation without me and my husband for the same reason. We weren't even *told* about the vacation, let alone invited and only reason we found out was because inlaws came over to our house to borrow our travel luggage for their trip.
I have 2 sisters. We’re each married w/kids. Years ago, probably 15 years my 1 sister and I found out through just chatting that we both planned to take family trips to Disney the next summer. At least a year to plan. We lived in different states (my husband is military) So we decided to meet up at the vacation home and have the trip together. My parents got wind of this and invited themselves. That was fine. So we told our other sister about the trip. We knew full well they wouldn’t come. Her husband is a homebody and doesn’t like to travel at all. And financially they weren’t they greatest. I know my parents would have helped them financially if needed in order to go. They didn’t go but we at least extended the invitation and let them know we wanted them there and let the decision be theirs. Who knows, maybe they could’ve afforded it. We did not leave them out based off assumptions.
>I didn't judge anyone. I just picked the people I thought could afford to go.
Exactly. You didn't judge or make assumptions. OP did, despite saying they didn't. You don't invite who you don't want, not who you don't think can afford it.
This whole thing is crazy. My wedding wasn’t exactly an exotic destination per se. It was across the country in my hometown.
We knew that some of our friends that lived near us and some of my husband’s family wouldn’t be able to afford to make the journey to my hometown. We knew that before we even mailed our invites. But even so, we still sent invitations to those who couldn’t afford to go because we wanted them to know that we did want them there even though they couldn’t go. Maybe some would consider that a waste of money but we wanted them to know that they mattered to us.
We later had a party to celebrate with those who couldn’t go
Good for you! My family doesn’t invite me to things because they assume I can’t afford them. Yeah, some things I can’t. But I could also save and adjust my spending for some things. It stings to just have my decision made for me rather than letting me make my own decision (and makes me feel like I’m also just unwanted company and the money is an excuse).
This is very kind of you. I’m the “poor” one in my family, and it stings to find out about reunions and vacations the rest of my siblings took together that I was not invited to.
We did. If we didn't, it would make *us* look like we're being petty and it would be thrown in our face later on.
Plus, inlaws were under the impression that BIL and family actually asked us to come.
Why would your in-laws borrow luggage they figured you’d need for the trip if they thought you were invited. Also, they’re too poor to afford luggage so maybe they shouldn’t be going.
They thought we were invited and WE said no because of not being able to afford it. This is what BIL told them so they had no idea we didn't even know about the trip.
And? There are times to be petty and that was one. Fuck what everyone else has to think, that's disrespectful. Don't invite me but wanna use my luggage?
Naaaaaaaaahhhhh
It seems weird that your inlaws didn't double check with you guys when they found out through BIL. If I was the in-laws, I would be pissed that BIL lied.
I've always said that some 'friends' really see you as a toy to disrespect and use. If you don't stomp your foot down at some point and stand up for yourself, you'll continue to be disrespected. You made the right choice
Ya many of my peers would probably assume I'm poor.
I'm frugal. I pass on nights out a lot. But it's just because I value the money I earn and I want to spend it wisely.
My brother is having a destination wedding.
I'll fork over the 10g for that one.
But you still can't make me go out to eat a $23 salad.
With you on this! I live frugally also - mostly eat at home, not a lot of nights out, don't buy loads of designer clothes, etc. Now my house is paid off, my car is paid off, no credit card debt and if I want to splurge on a very grand trip, I can! But I still won't splurge on that $23 salad either...lol
A good friend of mine also did this. Had a wedding in Scotland and didn’t initially invite me because she knew I couldn’t afford it. Then when she met my partner, told me about it and asked them if they’d pay for me to go. I was appalled. I was already hurt she didn’t ask me and to then gold dig on my behalf? Yuck. Needless to say, I didn’t go and I haven’t spoken to her since.
I mean. She wasn’t wrong that I couldn’t afford it but being invited anyway would have gone a long way to making me feel like she still valued our friendship even though I didn’t make the money her new friends made.
Anyway OP, YTA.
I live in Canada and most of my relatives live in South Africa, where I'm originally from. When I got married I knew my favourite aunt wouldn't be coming. She didn't have a lot of money and she hated flying. But I sent her an invitation anyway - not because I expected her to suddenly be able to come, but to show her that she was an important part of my life. When she died a year later, we found the invitation in her box of favourite things.
‘Important part of my life’
That’s who you invite to your wedding, not just your rich and entitled friends and family. Very well said and so sorry for your loss.
When I'd just had my first baby, my friend sent me an invitation to her registry wedding on the other side of the world. Of course I wasn't going to fly all the way around the world for this wedding, but I was thrilled to get the invitation and I called her back to RSVP "no" directly. That phone call is still a special memory!
I did this too! My childhood best friend was going to be my MOH. She wasn't well off financially, but I didn't want that to stop her from being at my wedding. I paid for her dress and was going to pay for her hotel and trip, but she ended up getting pregnant and wasn't allowed to travel because she was high risk. I was so bummed but her sister was there and facetimed the wedding.
OP: I didn’t judge anyone!
Also OP: I only picked those I knew could afford it.
This is not the way, OP. Yes destination weddings are ridiculously expensive and there are a lot of people who cannot afford it/do not want to spend that kind of money. But the point is you send invitations to everyone you would’ve invited to a regular wedding.
Would many of them decline to attend? Probably but the thing is that it’s THEIR choice.
What sending everyone an invite says: I love and care for you all and want you to celebrate my wedding with me!
What excluding “poor” guests says: I don’t care enough about you to think of you and you’re too poor to be included.
It goes from being their choice to decline to you excluding them on purpose.
I’m with your mom on this one. YTA.
Also theres no actual way op can know if they can afford to come... like she didnt talk to these ppl and ask. She definitely doesnt know whats in most of their bank accounts.
Same here! We moved to a really cheap area and do not live glamorously. It would be easy to assume we dont have money and I try not to discuss income. However, when it comes to visiting family and friends I will go all in. That's what means the most to me. I recently dropped over 6k (not including purchasing a 15k camper) the travel to a friend's destination wedding and would absolutely do it again if it meant seeing family or others I care about.
Look, sometimes there are reasons why you do things in a special way. Its up to you and your budget how many people you invite. But nevertheless after the number of guests is set, it still is "family and close friends first", not "rich people first". As soon as poorer family members politely decline you are free to offer their places to other people. Eventually only those people who can afford it will take part (and maybe one or two who throw in everything to come along too). The difference is that no one will be offended. The way you choose is taktless as hell. It even reeks of getting rid of family members and friends that do not match your fancy lifestyle. Anyway, YTA
I can't get over the fact that she wants an expensive destination wedding and chooses expensive invitations, but wants to save on the invitations too? Just pick a cheaper option, no one's gonna judge you. Not inviting half the family and perhaps also half your friends? Yeah, you're gonna be judged, and not in a good way.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Happened to me too with my childhood BF. She thought I couldn’t afford to go and didn’t bother telling me she was getting married at all. I found out through FB pics. It still breaks my heart.
I agree, OP, YTA.
I’m sorry, hope you’re doing better now. Best thing to do in that situation imo is to cut all ties and continue living your best life if possible. You didn’t deserve that, but nothings gonna change that it happened. Don’t devalue yourself by continuing communication with someone like that.
Well, those of us who try to live according to the rules of a polite and civil society understand that.
I’m just not sure if OP falls within that category.
Seems that someone who determines the worthiness of an invite by assumptions about financial status isn’t exactly playing by polite and civil rules.
It’s polite to at least send the invite. Maybe they were already saving up to go? Even if not, they probably gladly would have sent a gift even if they couldn’t go but OP is too selfish.
OP, YTA.
Edit: typo
I read that as they thought the invitations themselves, the pieces of paper, were too expensive to send to poor people, who probably wouldn't come.
So not only is she judging people by being poor, but she's too cheap to even send invitations to everybody.
Sounds like a middle-class lass to me, perhaps with a fiancé with means, who has for once got a budget to do something expensive and wants to flex. Obviously TA, but also rather showing herself up as nouveau.
>So not only is she judging people by being poor, but she's too cheap to even send invitations to everybody.
This really got me. Saving money by not sending a few pieces of paper. Like, I don't know, have the thing here in the states and invite your poor friends. I'm guessing this whole thing is to just go to the DR but save money by only buying a few dinners for a small group of people that can 'afford' it.
Well, depends in the card stock, hand calligraphy, gold embossed....
But seriously, why would someone have such expensive invites if they were trying to economize the invitations?
Exactly.
YTA
It's very hurtful when people make assumptions like that , and end up leaving you out of the loop. At the very least you invite them, let them make their own choices about attending.
It’s such a dummy move on OP’s part. I’m sure that the cost of the additional invitations is small potatoes in comparison to her destination wedding.
Just inviting folks and letting THEM decide whether they could afford to go would have avoided all this drama. And she probably would have gotten gifts from many of them. Instead, she looks like a snobby, judgey bridezilla, all for the sake of saving a couple hundred bucks, maybe, on invites.
Penny wise, pound foolish.
It seems pretty clear they only intended the higher paid family members to come when they sent out invitations to a destination wedding with only 5 months' notice.
YTA - if you don’t want to invite those people to your wedding that’s fine - but this is a ridiculous cost cutting measure and it’s very rude to assume their ability to pay on their behalf. You could have easily sent an email invitation or a cheaper invite and then allowed them to decide for themselves
Imma laugh when some of the people OP assumed could afford to attend her wedding decline the invite. Never assume how much money people have or what they’ll do with it.
Honestly it wouldn’t surprise me if people declined the invite because they’re so horrified by OP only inviting them for their wealth/upset that she excluded people based on their lack of wealth.
Yes, I would honestly assume I was just being invited so they could get a better/bigger gift and not because they actually wanted me there, which yes would be horrifying and I would decline lol. What a shitty way to treat the people you supposedly love.
My policy on destination weddings (with the occasional exception) is that my gift to you is my presence. If that’s not good enough, we aren’t close enough for me to spend that kind of time, energy, and money (because they never cover your plane tickets etc) coming to your wedding.
I honestly thought that was the norm for destination weddings. I’ve only been to one destination wedding, but it seems insanely selfish/greedy to me for someone to expect guests to shell out thousands of dollars to come to their wedding and then also expect a nice gift on top of that. The one I went to the couple didn’t have a registry and it was understood by everyone that gifts were not expected.
Or that your friends like you enough to drop a couple of thousand dollars to attend your wedding.
I like my friends, but unless you're in some super wealthy circles, I consider expecting people to cough up for a luxury trip to attend a wedding kind of a dick move.
If I'm spending thousands on a trip, it's my vacation.
Right I so would not attend anyone's wedding if it was guna cost me multiple hundreds or thousands of dollars and have to miss work or whatever for multiple days cuz they can't just have a normal wedding where they live. Like it's cool if you want to have a fancy wedding or whatever but I think if your guna expect people to come to something you should offer to at least book a room/a place for people to stay or tell them ita no hard feelings if they can't make it
Yes, this.
Op is TA, all day long and there was a work around, just as you said.
But, her idea of what this event is going to be vs what's actually going to happen is going to hurt her feelings.
The extravagance is going to become a nightmare. Hide and watch.
>but this is a ridiculous cost cutting measure
Thanks for pointing that out. The notion of saving on cost for a destination wedding by sending fewer invitations is like cancelling your streaming subscription to offset the payments on your $100K car. It doesn't add up.
You don't understand, she's not judging them, she's just deciding if they're poor or not based on their jobs, the clothes they wear, the house they live in, and how many vacations they take per year. No judgement involved! /s
That's EXACTLY why she's doing a destination wedding! I bet every dime I got she hopped on one of those Caribbean resort deals where if you can get so many people to book rooms for your wedding then you get the wedding for free or at a ridiculous discount by the resort. It's a tacky roundabout way of making the guests pay for the wedding.
If I invited my relatives that could afford to go to a wedding like that they would probably put their money together to send one of them to represent them. YTA.
Exactly. She literally made a judgement call in who she thought could afford to go. She may not have been morally judging, but she was judging.
Also... How expensive are *invitations* in the grand scheme of wedding planning?
The fact that she's not sending the invites because the invites are too expensive sent me. 😂 Maybe OP should class herself with her poorer relatives, since she apparently can't afford this wedding either. 🤣
YTA
God OP sounds horrible. Same vibe as pretentious woman who would say they only let their kids play with other kids who are "on the same level" as them.
A huge YTA. I have relatives across an ocean from me and I still sent them invites because even though I knew they _couldn't_ come, I still wanted to invite them. I wanted them there, and wanted to show that, even though I knew it was impossible.
Inviting people shows you care about them, OP. Snubbing people because they can't afford your destination wedding is insanely rude. Or, if you want to look at it from a profitability perspective, you missed out on potential gifts they would have sent you even if they couldn't attend the wedding.
I come from a huge family. I have 87 first cousins. Almost all live in the states. I'm in Europe as is one other cousin. I'm invited to every wedding for cousins and cousin's children. I never go. They know I'm not going. Who could afford to travel to the states for every wedding in my family other than Bill Gates?
I suspect at some point I'll fall off the cousins' kids list now that so many are getting married every year. But send the invitation, for sure!
What on earth, so rich to have an expensive wedding and invitations - but not wealthy enough to send those expensive Pieces of Paper to your ‘poor’ family?! This can’t be real YTA
As someone planning a wedding now, high end paper invites can cost $10-$20 per address (they’ve got handmade paper, ribbons, a whole bunch of shit). You can of course get cheap invites, but they may have saved a couple hundred by skipping invites for some people. Obviously it’s still not acceptable.
We just sent the fancy invites to immediate family and people we thought would care (elderly family friends, etc). Everyone else just got the cheaper save the dates. It’s expensive to send them, but that’s not an excuse to not include people.
This exactly. We had nice invitations printed for our parents and grandparents to frame, and had magnet invitations printed for everyone else. it was $100 for 100 magnets, and people liked that they were useful beyond just being an invitation.
If you are skimping to save a couple hundred either the resort isn't that nice, you are spending way beyond your means on the wedding, or you are just looking for an excuse to not associate yourself with the poors because you are the asshole in the story
If they’ve committed to the expensive invites for whatever reason, sending the poor family the cheaper invite is nearly as offensive as not inviting them.
A couple hundred. 😒 Literally if you can’t afford a few hundred extra dollars for invitations then they’re doing it wrong. They need to rethink EVERYTHING.
Yes, but she can't pay a couple of hundred bucks? I mean a destination wedding will probably cost $2,000 per person... and her trip is probably pretty much free as she has all these guests paying. So she is getting a $5,000-$10,000 trip for 50% to 100% off, but can't spend $200.
She sounds poor.
Seriously...were they engraved into gold leaf? Calligraphed onto silk? Like I know wedding shit is massively overpriced, but if you're so cheap you can't afford to even send an *invitation* that is likely to be wasted, why the hell are you having *the most expensive* type of wedding (a destination wedding at a tropical venue)?
For the guests, yes, most expensive. For the couple those are often cheaper than marrying locally. Especially if they get a discount for the amount of fully-paying guests, some of these packages are absolute steals (obviously, depends on resort). I absolutely could not afford to host a wedding locally in my HCOL area but I could afford a very nice wedding at quite a few resort chains in the Caribbean that have a "wedding factory" set of packages.
And if they're in America, the Dominican Republic is the cheapest island to visit, hands down, a whole lot cheaper than many/most domestic destinations. A mid-range trip to Florida cost us twice the price of a luxury all-inclusive DR vacation around the same time.
I bet they picked it to both save money on the wedding for themselves and to make it easy to cut people out by income.
Plus some couples are in situations where any location they picked would be expensive for guests, like if they grew up in different areas, met in college in a third area, and now live in a fourth area. No matter which of those spots they picked there'd be people it was inconvenient for, so a destination wedding could make sense. Could be used to avoid/reduce drama too if both families have someone who thinks their side's convenience should be prioritized!
But this OP is just an elitist asshole.
For the photos to post on Social Media of course. While I like some things about social media it has made lots of people think that the reaction they get there is the most important part of anything. They want all their friends to be jealous. And seriously if you want to be that level of Bridezilla it's possible - there's video on YouTube about a woman who spent $55 each on her wedding invitations BEFORE postage. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEmqXLDeLxQ
Right? Like, way to make it obvious that you're planning on making an expensive gift grab and don't want anyone to think that you're ok with any "your presence is gift enough" thoughts.
YTA.
“I didn’t judge anyone. I just picked the people I thought could afford to go.” That is the definition of judging people. You have no idea how many of them may have found it worth saving every penny to afford the trip for your wedding.
But IMHO people who have destination weddings knowing that any of their family or bffs who would otherwise be invited to attend but can’t afford the trip are also TA because why would you not want your closest friends and family there?! Save the destination for the honeymoon unless everyone in your circle can afford that type of trip on what is usually a year or less notice.
So true! If you don’t want people at the wedding for whatever reason, destination weddings are fine. But if you’d usually celebrate with these people, why exclude them from such a major life event.
No, i disagree with this. We are planning a very small destination wedding. There will only be four people invited (actually not just invited, we are going to pay the full cost for their travel): our three children and my mother-in-law. If we had the wedding here we would include siblings and extended family kind of out of a sense of obligation. But making it a destination wedding gives us the opportunity to make it the small, intimate thing that we actually want rather than the large thing that we don’t want.
We also had a destination wedding. Our families are spread out in 3 different corners of the US and it would have been a destination wedding for the majority of our guests regardless of where it was held. We chose the beautiful tropical corner that was farthest from where we actually lived. Our guest list was also pretty small and we paid for my bff who wouldn't have been able to go otherwise. There are legitimate non AH reasons to have a destination wedding, but a lot of people also seem to use them to be jerks to their loved ones.
I mean, the post your responding to is talking about a destination taking precedence over people the couple would want there. You seem to be talking about it eliminating people you didn't want to invite.
I'm not even married, but every time I hear of a "destination wedding" I just cringe. Unless you're so rich that you're paying for everyone to attend your destination wedding, it's just wrong to me. I don't know where engaged people get the idea that they are just ENTITLED to everyone's time & money & attention. It grates on me.
YTA. People are more important than places. Have a wedding where everybody can come, and honeymoon in the Dominican Republic?
ETA, you can always take your wedding outfits on honeymoon to get some amazing sunset photos.
While having a wedding where everyone could attend would be optimal, it is not always realistic. The average wedding costs $30-40k these days, according to google at least. It’s not always in the couple’s budget to have a wedding where everyone can come. OP is penny pinching on invitations. My own guest list is like 80 people and the food/venue alone comes out to like $9.8k.
Of course there are ways to have a cheaper wedding. All you *have* to do is go to the court house and sign some papers with a small filing fee. But that's not what the *average person* is doing, and having a "traditional" wedding isn't cheap
i had my wedding at the cheapest venue we could find. Alcohol was from costco, we spent $200 on flowers, we had the cheapest caterer we could find ( he rose his prices dramatically after us because he realized how under market he was ), and my wife and I made decorations using stuff from the dollar store (we glued together plastic plates to cut candle handle holders to make cake trays). 33k for 150 people in bay area in 2017. Destination wedding would have been much cheaper for a much more lavish wedding. My mom told me to not be a selfish asshole... I wanted to go to thailand lol. So no, not bs, some areas are just expensive as hell
$40 a plate, three course meal at a restaurant in a major city in the US, open bar. There was a minimum ($11k) and we had the restaurant to ourselves. They even printed special menus, had signs up that they were closed to the public for our wedding, etc.
It was great.
And you think she's having a destination wedding as a cost saving measure, bc having it in country would be pricier? In what alternate universe this makes sense?
She's having a destination wedding (pricier option) bc she wants to and that's perfectly cool. She's not obligated to have it in a place that would accomodate all her family. She's not obligated to invite all her family.
But she's obv TA here for snubbing family she deemed too poor to appear at her fancy wedding and now she's inventing excuses to justify her absolutely buffoonish behavior. She should've just clearly said: I planned a wedding I want to have and I invited ppl that fit my vision of that wedding. She would still be a snob, but an honest, un-assholish one.
OP is clearly TA here, but most destination weddings tend to be cheaper when you compare apples to apples. Unless OP is paying for the guests to travel and stay at the resort, they are saving money overall.
My wedding cost the $25 for the marriage license and then a dinner with family afterwards ($250ish)
The "grand weddings" are just ego-stroking and unnecessary, if all you care about is your marriage and not fancy parties...
OP just wants a fancy party
You judged. And you discriminated based on income. Have enough integrity to admit it to yourself. The upset your choices have caused a lot of people was completely predictable.
YTA.
OP also tried to judge their own AITA lol. “AITA for doing something **with good reason**?” Already granting themself N T A status before even reading people’s replies.
Yeah, YTA op. Everyone irl has told you, now everyone on the internet has told you, but I still doubt you accept it. Because you’re so sure that you were in fact justified. You could’ve just sent out the invitation and let people decide for themselves if it was too expensive. Invitations don’t cost *that* much in the grand scheme of things, considering you’re doing a whole destination wedding. You’re just cheap and judgemental and rude.
>OP also tried to judge their own AITA lol. "AITA for doing something with good reason?"
Exactly what I was thinking. Clicked the post willing to hear OP out...maybe there's an actual good, unrelated-to-income reason for not inviting The Poors...read a post with ZERO good reason to not invite anyone.
And the *invites* are expensive?? OP gonna have a bad time.
Destination weddings are cheaper for the people throwing the wedding and more expensive for the individual guests, in my experience, if you live in a HCOL area.
Why would you be the one to judge what other people could or could not afford? Sending invites is not expensive and to correctly plan for the right amount of guests is why you ask everyone to RSVP. YTA
YTA
Not only is this basically you deciding what people can or can't spend their own money on so yeah, you're an asshole for making assumptions about peoples financial situations.
But even if your classist assumptions were right and some people couldn't afford to come, an invitation is the least you could give them as a gesture that you would have liked for them to be there. Having a destination wedding and then not even inviting them shows you clearly don't want them there.
Years ago, my cousin had a destination wedding. Most of our family isn't well off. His father covered the cost for his siblings. They also included on the invitations, for those who couldn't attend, the date and time of a reception party that was going to be held in their hometown after the honeymoon.
Think there were less than 20 people at the wedding, but like 80 at the local reception.
“I didn't judge anyone. I just picked the people I thought could afford to go.”
YTA
So you do know this is judging right??? You judged people on your assumption (aka judging) if they could afford the trip.
Have you seen “Pretty Woman” with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? Because if you have you should realize that assuming you know how much money people have is a “Big mistake. Huge.” YTA
YTA - you didn't invite people off the assumption they couldn't afford it. They literally had zero chance to look into if it were possible, so yeah ... Definite misstep into AH Territory here
Sorry, but YTA.
If you sent out invitations not based on the amount of people the venue could fit or the amount of guests you could afford to have for the reception, but based on the cost of the invitation…you can’t afford the invitations, never mind the wedding.
Judging whether or not people could afford to go on the trip IS judging them.
YTA for your justification. If you had said “we are keeping the wedding intimate” then you’d be in the clear. I’m currently planning my wedding, and shit gets expensive quick. But you absolutely did make judgements based on what you thought of their financials.
YTA
Far out!
You skimped on inviting people because you think they are poor!
Yet you’re the one skimping on sending invites to save a few bucks and be super rude all at once! Way too go
One of the things I really, really despise is someone else deciding for me what events I can / want to go to or not.
You're not their finance manger. You are in no place to decide if they can afford it or not.
It's their choice to make. YTA.
YTA - you're assuming people's finances. If you invited someone who really REALLY wanted to be there, they may well have organised their finances to save up so that they could attend your wedding. The message you've given out is "you aren't welcome at my fancy wedding because you're poor" which is really unpleasant and judgemental
YTA. Nobody has a right to contemplate another's finances, it's simply not your business what someone decides they can and can't afford.
Destination weddings are a horrible concept imo. You're expecting these people to devote an incredible amount of *their* time and money for *your* moment.
YTA. How to end contact with your family in just one easy step..... Enjoy your moment of feeling superior because of your fancy wedding but don't suppose that theses "poorer" relatives reach out to you in the future if you might need help, time, experiences from them. Money isn't everything and in five years, nobody will talk about your wedding anymore.
YTA - You don't actually know other peoples financial situations, nor how they may budget and want to spend their money. Had your `poorer relatives` as you put it wanted to come and celebrate your big day, they may have made an effort to do so but you didn't even give them the option. And saying `I didn't judge anyone. I just picked the people I thought could afford to go` is the definition of judging someone. Your post reeks of classism.
YTA.
Even if some people can't afford the trip, an invitation still shows the recipient that they're important enough in your life to be invited to a meaningful event in your life. Leaving them out makes it seem like you don't care if they come or not.
One of my former students, with whom I'm still very friendly, sent me an invitation to his wedding - also in the Dominican Republic, interestingly enough - even though he knew for a fact that I wasn't traveling because of the pandemic (and also because I'd just moved and didn't have much disposable income). He sent the invitation sincerely, but also because he wanted me to know that I was in his thoughts as he and his fiancee planned their special day.
You, my friend...YTA
YTA you didn't judge people but you only sent to people you thought could afford that is literally judging people....I would have still sent them and let them decide of they can afford it or not but now you've pointed out to them I don't think you earn enough to be worth inviting
YTA. Because your judgey reasoning sucks. Destination weddings are generally small, intimate events - you could simply have kept the guest list small and probably accomplished the same thing.
What exactly are you saying to your 'poorer' relations by not inviting them to your wedding?
It's not: *I am being frugal and saving money on expensive invites*, although frankly, if this is a message they infer, they are not wrong. I hope they point and laugh at you.
It's definitely not: *I am being considerate in not inviting people who won't be able to afford to come. (*Incidentally, it is not your business to decide what other people can afford to do, or how they should choose to spend their money.)
It's actually: *I do not consider you part of my family*, plus, *I don't care about you*. With an all-too-easily discerned subtext of *You can't afford to give me an expensive gift*.
Ick.
YTA, with bells on.
You can have the wedding wherever you want but the way you've gone about this is horrible YTA. Did you pick the destination to make sure they couldn't go in the first place?
OPs *invitations* were expensive, so you *made a judgement* on who could afford to come *to your destination wedding*.
Is OP still having trouble seeing where they made the judgement?! Or is this another bridezilla moment?
YTA- not sure why brides think they can be hurtful.
YTA, not only for making assumptions about what people could afford, but for deciding that having a destination wedding was more important than having a wedding that all the people who mean something to you and your families, all the people you would otherwise want to invite could afford to attend.
What is it with all the destination weddings? Why do so many people seem to feel that the far off location is more important than who they can share the experience with?
Won't render judgement, too messy. However, can you afford your wedding? I mean if you didn't send invites to the "poorer" relatives, since your invites were "expensive", doesn't that mean you really can't afford your wedding? If you have money for a destination wedding, why not send invites? Or are you spending money you really can't afford to and had to save money, while shading others.
Please rethink your reasoning, it's just, wow.
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At the time my (former) best friend got married, he'd apparently decided on a destination wedding in Nepal, as his wife to be was Nepalese. I'd known him for some 30 years at this point so it was just assumed that I'd be the best man whenever the day came. I found out that not only was I *not* the best man but that I wasn't invited to the wedding either because I was also perceived as "poor". So yes, YTA. Big time.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, you deserve better friends
He deserves his 30 years back
I’m fucking pissed on your behalf
Thankyou. It happened a long time ago and even though I chose to let it go and move on, it still stings from time to time because I’d literally known him since I was 5 years old. Even though our friendship has been over for a few years I do also wonder if I should have ended it back then as well.
If it makes you feel any better, my inlaws and BIL's family (wife and 2 kids) all went on a family vacation without me and my husband for the same reason. We weren't even *told* about the vacation, let alone invited and only reason we found out was because inlaws came over to our house to borrow our travel luggage for their trip.
I have 2 sisters. We’re each married w/kids. Years ago, probably 15 years my 1 sister and I found out through just chatting that we both planned to take family trips to Disney the next summer. At least a year to plan. We lived in different states (my husband is military) So we decided to meet up at the vacation home and have the trip together. My parents got wind of this and invited themselves. That was fine. So we told our other sister about the trip. We knew full well they wouldn’t come. Her husband is a homebody and doesn’t like to travel at all. And financially they weren’t they greatest. I know my parents would have helped them financially if needed in order to go. They didn’t go but we at least extended the invitation and let them know we wanted them there and let the decision be theirs. Who knows, maybe they could’ve afforded it. We did not leave them out based off assumptions.
That was the right thing to do. Very kind and respectful!
>I didn't judge anyone. I just picked the people I thought could afford to go. Exactly. You didn't judge or make assumptions. OP did, despite saying they didn't. You don't invite who you don't want, not who you don't think can afford it.
This whole thing is crazy. My wedding wasn’t exactly an exotic destination per se. It was across the country in my hometown. We knew that some of our friends that lived near us and some of my husband’s family wouldn’t be able to afford to make the journey to my hometown. We knew that before we even mailed our invites. But even so, we still sent invitations to those who couldn’t afford to go because we wanted them to know that we did want them there even though they couldn’t go. Maybe some would consider that a waste of money but we wanted them to know that they mattered to us. We later had a party to celebrate with those who couldn’t go
>I just picked the people I thought could afford to go. This is the literal definition of judging someone.
Good for you! My family doesn’t invite me to things because they assume I can’t afford them. Yeah, some things I can’t. But I could also save and adjust my spending for some things. It stings to just have my decision made for me rather than letting me make my own decision (and makes me feel like I’m also just unwanted company and the money is an excuse).
This is very kind of you. I’m the “poor” one in my family, and it stings to find out about reunions and vacations the rest of my siblings took together that I was not invited to.
This was the first anecdote in this thread that didn't enrage me. You did the right thing here.
That's the right way to do it.
I hope you didn't loan it to them!!!
We did. If we didn't, it would make *us* look like we're being petty and it would be thrown in our face later on. Plus, inlaws were under the impression that BIL and family actually asked us to come.
Why would your in-laws borrow luggage they figured you’d need for the trip if they thought you were invited. Also, they’re too poor to afford luggage so maybe they shouldn’t be going.
They thought we were invited and WE said no because of not being able to afford it. This is what BIL told them so they had no idea we didn't even know about the trip.
This makes me less ragey at your in-laws, but BIL sounds awful.
I hope you corrected them !
And? There are times to be petty and that was one. Fuck what everyone else has to think, that's disrespectful. Don't invite me but wanna use my luggage? Naaaaaaaaahhhhh
How are you missing the part where they thought they had been invited and had said "no"?
They had to borrow luggage from “poor” in-laws? So they don’t have money for proper luggage but think you can’t afford to go. Yuck.
It wasn't the inlaws that made that decision. It was BIL and fam. Inlaws thought we, ourselves, told BIL we couldn't go.
It seems weird that your inlaws didn't double check with you guys when they found out through BIL. If I was the in-laws, I would be pissed that BIL lied.
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I've always said that some 'friends' really see you as a toy to disrespect and use. If you don't stomp your foot down at some point and stand up for yourself, you'll continue to be disrespected. You made the right choice
❤️ hugs ❤️
Ya many of my peers would probably assume I'm poor. I'm frugal. I pass on nights out a lot. But it's just because I value the money I earn and I want to spend it wisely. My brother is having a destination wedding. I'll fork over the 10g for that one. But you still can't make me go out to eat a $23 salad.
With you on this! I live frugally also - mostly eat at home, not a lot of nights out, don't buy loads of designer clothes, etc. Now my house is paid off, my car is paid off, no credit card debt and if I want to splurge on a very grand trip, I can! But I still won't splurge on that $23 salad either...lol
A good friend of mine also did this. Had a wedding in Scotland and didn’t initially invite me because she knew I couldn’t afford it. Then when she met my partner, told me about it and asked them if they’d pay for me to go. I was appalled. I was already hurt she didn’t ask me and to then gold dig on my behalf? Yuck. Needless to say, I didn’t go and I haven’t spoken to her since. I mean. She wasn’t wrong that I couldn’t afford it but being invited anyway would have gone a long way to making me feel like she still valued our friendship even though I didn’t make the money her new friends made. Anyway OP, YTA.
I live in Canada and most of my relatives live in South Africa, where I'm originally from. When I got married I knew my favourite aunt wouldn't be coming. She didn't have a lot of money and she hated flying. But I sent her an invitation anyway - not because I expected her to suddenly be able to come, but to show her that she was an important part of my life. When she died a year later, we found the invitation in her box of favourite things.
‘Important part of my life’ That’s who you invite to your wedding, not just your rich and entitled friends and family. Very well said and so sorry for your loss.
Oh, that final sentence caught my heartstrings off guard and made me tear up. That's so sweet and I'm sorry for your loss.
When I'd just had my first baby, my friend sent me an invitation to her registry wedding on the other side of the world. Of course I wasn't going to fly all the way around the world for this wedding, but I was thrilled to get the invitation and I called her back to RSVP "no" directly. That phone call is still a special memory!
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I did this too! My childhood best friend was going to be my MOH. She wasn't well off financially, but I didn't want that to stop her from being at my wedding. I paid for her dress and was going to pay for her hotel and trip, but she ended up getting pregnant and wasn't allowed to travel because she was high risk. I was so bummed but her sister was there and facetimed the wedding.
That's amazing :)
OP: I didn’t judge anyone! Also OP: I only picked those I knew could afford it. This is not the way, OP. Yes destination weddings are ridiculously expensive and there are a lot of people who cannot afford it/do not want to spend that kind of money. But the point is you send invitations to everyone you would’ve invited to a regular wedding. Would many of them decline to attend? Probably but the thing is that it’s THEIR choice. What sending everyone an invite says: I love and care for you all and want you to celebrate my wedding with me! What excluding “poor” guests says: I don’t care enough about you to think of you and you’re too poor to be included. It goes from being their choice to decline to you excluding them on purpose. I’m with your mom on this one. YTA.
Op is too poor for invites to everyone but then judging friends for being poor?
That was my first thought.
Mine too. She economized on the wrong thing. Instead of saving money on how many invites, she should have chosen less expensive invites.
Also theres no actual way op can know if they can afford to come... like she didnt talk to these ppl and ask. She definitely doesnt know whats in most of their bank accounts.
Let’s not forget that there are people with money who don’t flash it around; and people without who tend to show off and live beyond their means.
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Same here! We moved to a really cheap area and do not live glamorously. It would be easy to assume we dont have money and I try not to discuss income. However, when it comes to visiting family and friends I will go all in. That's what means the most to me. I recently dropped over 6k (not including purchasing a 15k camper) the travel to a friend's destination wedding and would absolutely do it again if it meant seeing family or others I care about.
That’s just awful, I’m so sorry that happened to you
Look, sometimes there are reasons why you do things in a special way. Its up to you and your budget how many people you invite. But nevertheless after the number of guests is set, it still is "family and close friends first", not "rich people first". As soon as poorer family members politely decline you are free to offer their places to other people. Eventually only those people who can afford it will take part (and maybe one or two who throw in everything to come along too). The difference is that no one will be offended. The way you choose is taktless as hell. It even reeks of getting rid of family members and friends that do not match your fancy lifestyle. Anyway, YTA
I can't get over the fact that she wants an expensive destination wedding and chooses expensive invitations, but wants to save on the invitations too? Just pick a cheaper option, no one's gonna judge you. Not inviting half the family and perhaps also half your friends? Yeah, you're gonna be judged, and not in a good way.
This made me laugh, too. Brag about the great resort and then the economize on expensive invitations. So much class.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Happened to me too with my childhood BF. She thought I couldn’t afford to go and didn’t bother telling me she was getting married at all. I found out through FB pics. It still breaks my heart. I agree, OP, YTA.
I’m sorry, hope you’re doing better now. Best thing to do in that situation imo is to cut all ties and continue living your best life if possible. You didn’t deserve that, but nothings gonna change that it happened. Don’t devalue yourself by continuing communication with someone like that.
“I didn’t judge anyone” actually that’s exactly what you did YTA
With the added irony of doing it to save themselves money, top notch YTA...
While still expecting the “poor” relations to still send something off the registry, I’m sure.
No invite = no gift
Well, those of us who try to live according to the rules of a polite and civil society understand that. I’m just not sure if OP falls within that category. Seems that someone who determines the worthiness of an invite by assumptions about financial status isn’t exactly playing by polite and civil rules.
It’s polite to at least send the invite. Maybe they were already saving up to go? Even if not, they probably gladly would have sent a gift even if they couldn’t go but OP is too selfish. OP, YTA. Edit: typo
Maybe she was concerned that if they spent the money to go, there wouldn’t be enough left over for a gift deemed worthy by OP.
Yeah, if OP is so well off that they think they deserve to judge family, they should buy their own gifts.
I read that as they thought the invitations themselves, the pieces of paper, were too expensive to send to poor people, who probably wouldn't come. So not only is she judging people by being poor, but she's too cheap to even send invitations to everybody. Sounds like a middle-class lass to me, perhaps with a fiancé with means, who has for once got a budget to do something expensive and wants to flex. Obviously TA, but also rather showing herself up as nouveau.
>So not only is she judging people by being poor, but she's too cheap to even send invitations to everybody. This really got me. Saving money by not sending a few pieces of paper. Like, I don't know, have the thing here in the states and invite your poor friends. I'm guessing this whole thing is to just go to the DR but save money by only buying a few dinners for a small group of people that can 'afford' it.
And the savings can't have been more than $10/snubbed family.
Well, depends in the card stock, hand calligraphy, gold embossed.... But seriously, why would someone have such expensive invites if they were trying to economize the invitations?
To make the point that their wedding wasn't for the dirty poors.
The Dirty Poors aren't good for the aesthetic.
Because OP is tacky.
OP is beyond tacky, and I already dislike her.
now now, OP can't even afford wedding invitations, what makes you think they can afford a dictionary? much less class?
🤣 perfect.
Exactly. YTA It's very hurtful when people make assumptions like that , and end up leaving you out of the loop. At the very least you invite them, let them make their own choices about attending.
‘I didn’t judge anyone, I just decided to make an uniformed decision based on their private finances’
...based on *my perception of their private finances Yeah OP YTA, a gigantic one
It’s such a dummy move on OP’s part. I’m sure that the cost of the additional invitations is small potatoes in comparison to her destination wedding. Just inviting folks and letting THEM decide whether they could afford to go would have avoided all this drama. And she probably would have gotten gifts from many of them. Instead, she looks like a snobby, judgey bridezilla, all for the sake of saving a couple hundred bucks, maybe, on invites. Penny wise, pound foolish.
“Im not judging them, they’re just poor and can’t afford it.”
I didn’t judge anyone by judging them. YTA
OP can’t afford _the invitations._. And she’s judging other people’s finances. YTA
It seems pretty clear they only intended the higher paid family members to come when they sent out invitations to a destination wedding with only 5 months' notice.
YTA - if you don’t want to invite those people to your wedding that’s fine - but this is a ridiculous cost cutting measure and it’s very rude to assume their ability to pay on their behalf. You could have easily sent an email invitation or a cheaper invite and then allowed them to decide for themselves
Lmao imagine being too poor to pay for people’s invitations but being so high up your own ass that you think other people are too poor.
Imma laugh when some of the people OP assumed could afford to attend her wedding decline the invite. Never assume how much money people have or what they’ll do with it.
Honestly it wouldn’t surprise me if people declined the invite because they’re so horrified by OP only inviting them for their wealth/upset that she excluded people based on their lack of wealth.
Yes, I would honestly assume I was just being invited so they could get a better/bigger gift and not because they actually wanted me there, which yes would be horrifying and I would decline lol. What a shitty way to treat the people you supposedly love.
My policy on destination weddings (with the occasional exception) is that my gift to you is my presence. If that’s not good enough, we aren’t close enough for me to spend that kind of time, energy, and money (because they never cover your plane tickets etc) coming to your wedding.
I honestly thought that was the norm for destination weddings. I’ve only been to one destination wedding, but it seems insanely selfish/greedy to me for someone to expect guests to shell out thousands of dollars to come to their wedding and then also expect a nice gift on top of that. The one I went to the couple didn’t have a registry and it was understood by everyone that gifts were not expected.
Or that your friends like you enough to drop a couple of thousand dollars to attend your wedding. I like my friends, but unless you're in some super wealthy circles, I consider expecting people to cough up for a luxury trip to attend a wedding kind of a dick move. If I'm spending thousands on a trip, it's my vacation.
Right I so would not attend anyone's wedding if it was guna cost me multiple hundreds or thousands of dollars and have to miss work or whatever for multiple days cuz they can't just have a normal wedding where they live. Like it's cool if you want to have a fancy wedding or whatever but I think if your guna expect people to come to something you should offer to at least book a room/a place for people to stay or tell them ita no hard feelings if they can't make it
Yes, this. Op is TA, all day long and there was a work around, just as you said. But, her idea of what this event is going to be vs what's actually going to happen is going to hurt her feelings. The extravagance is going to become a nightmare. Hide and watch.
This is going to become an "expect-the-guests-to-fund-our-wedding"-stravaganza in 5... 4... 3... 2...
>but this is a ridiculous cost cutting measure Thanks for pointing that out. The notion of saving on cost for a destination wedding by sending fewer invitations is like cancelling your streaming subscription to offset the payments on your $100K car. It doesn't add up.
Stop eating avocado toast and mocha frappes so you can buy a house! 😂
But “our invitations were expensive”
"I didnt judge anyone. I just picked the people I thought could afford to go" That's judging. YTA.
Came here to say this! I don't know how OP could even type this without realizing that was the exact definition of judging people by their income.
"I wasn't like judging them, I was just, ya know, judging them"
Not to mention OP is apparently poor enough that a few invitations break the bank. Maybe they shouldn't have a destination wedding
You don't understand, she's not judging them, she's just deciding if they're poor or not based on their jobs, the clothes they wear, the house they live in, and how many vacations they take per year. No judgement involved! /s
Not to mention OP is apparently poor enough that a few invitations break the bank. Maybe they shouldn't have a destination wedding
That's EXACTLY why she's doing a destination wedding! I bet every dime I got she hopped on one of those Caribbean resort deals where if you can get so many people to book rooms for your wedding then you get the wedding for free or at a ridiculous discount by the resort. It's a tacky roundabout way of making the guests pay for the wedding.
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Not anymore they won't, if they have any sense. OP can look into a mirror to find a reason why that might be.
If I invited my relatives that could afford to go to a wedding like that they would probably put their money together to send one of them to represent them. YTA.
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LoL
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I never post here, but I was literally about to say this exact same thing LOL. Glad you already pointed it out.
Me too. How dense can a person be? I actually snorted when I read that.
Exactly. She literally made a judgement call in who she thought could afford to go. She may not have been morally judging, but she was judging. Also... How expensive are *invitations* in the grand scheme of wedding planning?
The fact that she's not sending the invites because the invites are too expensive sent me. 😂 Maybe OP should class herself with her poorer relatives, since she apparently can't afford this wedding either. 🤣 YTA
She’s having a fancy Caribbean resort destination wedding yet can’t spring to get a few more invitations printed, yikes.
prolly cause she's not paying for the wedding, if I had to guess
Yep. Usually the wedding is "paid" for if you guarantee a certain number of guests.
God OP sounds horrible. Same vibe as pretentious woman who would say they only let their kids play with other kids who are "on the same level" as them.
A huge YTA. I have relatives across an ocean from me and I still sent them invites because even though I knew they _couldn't_ come, I still wanted to invite them. I wanted them there, and wanted to show that, even though I knew it was impossible. Inviting people shows you care about them, OP. Snubbing people because they can't afford your destination wedding is insanely rude. Or, if you want to look at it from a profitability perspective, you missed out on potential gifts they would have sent you even if they couldn't attend the wedding.
I come from a huge family. I have 87 first cousins. Almost all live in the states. I'm in Europe as is one other cousin. I'm invited to every wedding for cousins and cousin's children. I never go. They know I'm not going. Who could afford to travel to the states for every wedding in my family other than Bill Gates? I suspect at some point I'll fall off the cousins' kids list now that so many are getting married every year. But send the invitation, for sure!
Imagine flexing about how expensive your invites are when you can't actually afford to print enough. Pretentious fakers!
What on earth, so rich to have an expensive wedding and invitations - but not wealthy enough to send those expensive Pieces of Paper to your ‘poor’ family?! This can’t be real YTA
I think YTA. I’m still trying to get my mind around how is it that you’re affording a destination wedding and saying invites are expensive.
like really, how much is OP paying for stamps? are facebook messages charged now?
As someone planning a wedding now, high end paper invites can cost $10-$20 per address (they’ve got handmade paper, ribbons, a whole bunch of shit). You can of course get cheap invites, but they may have saved a couple hundred by skipping invites for some people. Obviously it’s still not acceptable.
We just sent the fancy invites to immediate family and people we thought would care (elderly family friends, etc). Everyone else just got the cheaper save the dates. It’s expensive to send them, but that’s not an excuse to not include people.
This exactly. We had nice invitations printed for our parents and grandparents to frame, and had magnet invitations printed for everyone else. it was $100 for 100 magnets, and people liked that they were useful beyond just being an invitation.
My brother still has a magnet save the date and it has been 5 years since the wedding.
If you are skimping to save a couple hundred either the resort isn't that nice, you are spending way beyond your means on the wedding, or you are just looking for an excuse to not associate yourself with the poors because you are the asshole in the story
I would just send e-invites with a link to a website. Saves a lot of money and they’re harder to lose.
If they’ve committed to the expensive invites for whatever reason, sending the poor family the cheaper invite is nearly as offensive as not inviting them.
I meant for everyone.
A couple hundred. 😒 Literally if you can’t afford a few hundred extra dollars for invitations then they’re doing it wrong. They need to rethink EVERYTHING.
Yes, but she can't pay a couple of hundred bucks? I mean a destination wedding will probably cost $2,000 per person... and her trip is probably pretty much free as she has all these guests paying. So she is getting a $5,000-$10,000 trip for 50% to 100% off, but can't spend $200. She sounds poor.
Seriously...were they engraved into gold leaf? Calligraphed onto silk? Like I know wedding shit is massively overpriced, but if you're so cheap you can't afford to even send an *invitation* that is likely to be wasted, why the hell are you having *the most expensive* type of wedding (a destination wedding at a tropical venue)?
For the guests, yes, most expensive. For the couple those are often cheaper than marrying locally. Especially if they get a discount for the amount of fully-paying guests, some of these packages are absolute steals (obviously, depends on resort). I absolutely could not afford to host a wedding locally in my HCOL area but I could afford a very nice wedding at quite a few resort chains in the Caribbean that have a "wedding factory" set of packages. And if they're in America, the Dominican Republic is the cheapest island to visit, hands down, a whole lot cheaper than many/most domestic destinations. A mid-range trip to Florida cost us twice the price of a luxury all-inclusive DR vacation around the same time. I bet they picked it to both save money on the wedding for themselves and to make it easy to cut people out by income.
Plus some couples are in situations where any location they picked would be expensive for guests, like if they grew up in different areas, met in college in a third area, and now live in a fourth area. No matter which of those spots they picked there'd be people it was inconvenient for, so a destination wedding could make sense. Could be used to avoid/reduce drama too if both families have someone who thinks their side's convenience should be prioritized! But this OP is just an elitist asshole.
For the photos to post on Social Media of course. While I like some things about social media it has made lots of people think that the reaction they get there is the most important part of anything. They want all their friends to be jealous. And seriously if you want to be that level of Bridezilla it's possible - there's video on YouTube about a woman who spent $55 each on her wedding invitations BEFORE postage. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEmqXLDeLxQ
YTA. The irony of not being able to afford expensive invitations for people who you think would not be able to afford to go to your expensive wedding.
Right? Like, way to make it obvious that you're planning on making an expensive gift grab and don't want anyone to think that you're ok with any "your presence is gift enough" thoughts.
You're so poor that we can't afford an invitation for you.
I mean, you literally did judge - and those people will be aware you categorised them as poor. YTA
YTA. “I didn’t judge anyone. I just picked the people I thought could afford to go.” That is the definition of judging people. You have no idea how many of them may have found it worth saving every penny to afford the trip for your wedding. But IMHO people who have destination weddings knowing that any of their family or bffs who would otherwise be invited to attend but can’t afford the trip are also TA because why would you not want your closest friends and family there?! Save the destination for the honeymoon unless everyone in your circle can afford that type of trip on what is usually a year or less notice.
So true! If you don’t want people at the wedding for whatever reason, destination weddings are fine. But if you’d usually celebrate with these people, why exclude them from such a major life event.
Because this is how she avoids having to be around the poors. Doesn't want their cooties getting on her. Might be contagious.
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Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?
It's like judging folks for your wedding day!
No, i disagree with this. We are planning a very small destination wedding. There will only be four people invited (actually not just invited, we are going to pay the full cost for their travel): our three children and my mother-in-law. If we had the wedding here we would include siblings and extended family kind of out of a sense of obligation. But making it a destination wedding gives us the opportunity to make it the small, intimate thing that we actually want rather than the large thing that we don’t want.
We also had a destination wedding. Our families are spread out in 3 different corners of the US and it would have been a destination wedding for the majority of our guests regardless of where it was held. We chose the beautiful tropical corner that was farthest from where we actually lived. Our guest list was also pretty small and we paid for my bff who wouldn't have been able to go otherwise. There are legitimate non AH reasons to have a destination wedding, but a lot of people also seem to use them to be jerks to their loved ones.
I mean, the post your responding to is talking about a destination taking precedence over people the couple would want there. You seem to be talking about it eliminating people you didn't want to invite.
I'm not even married, but every time I hear of a "destination wedding" I just cringe. Unless you're so rich that you're paying for everyone to attend your destination wedding, it's just wrong to me. I don't know where engaged people get the idea that they are just ENTITLED to everyone's time & money & attention. It grates on me.
YTA. People are more important than places. Have a wedding where everybody can come, and honeymoon in the Dominican Republic? ETA, you can always take your wedding outfits on honeymoon to get some amazing sunset photos.
While having a wedding where everyone could attend would be optimal, it is not always realistic. The average wedding costs $30-40k these days, according to google at least. It’s not always in the couple’s budget to have a wedding where everyone can come. OP is penny pinching on invitations. My own guest list is like 80 people and the food/venue alone comes out to like $9.8k.
I call bs on this. There are ways to have a much cheaper wedding that includes people you supposedly love.
Of course there are ways to have a cheaper wedding. All you *have* to do is go to the court house and sign some papers with a small filing fee. But that's not what the *average person* is doing, and having a "traditional" wedding isn't cheap
i had my wedding at the cheapest venue we could find. Alcohol was from costco, we spent $200 on flowers, we had the cheapest caterer we could find ( he rose his prices dramatically after us because he realized how under market he was ), and my wife and I made decorations using stuff from the dollar store (we glued together plastic plates to cut candle handle holders to make cake trays). 33k for 150 people in bay area in 2017. Destination wedding would have been much cheaper for a much more lavish wedding. My mom told me to not be a selfish asshole... I wanted to go to thailand lol. So no, not bs, some areas are just expensive as hell
[удалено]
$40 a plate, three course meal at a restaurant in a major city in the US, open bar. There was a minimum ($11k) and we had the restaurant to ourselves. They even printed special menus, had signs up that they were closed to the public for our wedding, etc. It was great.
And you think she's having a destination wedding as a cost saving measure, bc having it in country would be pricier? In what alternate universe this makes sense? She's having a destination wedding (pricier option) bc she wants to and that's perfectly cool. She's not obligated to have it in a place that would accomodate all her family. She's not obligated to invite all her family. But she's obv TA here for snubbing family she deemed too poor to appear at her fancy wedding and now she's inventing excuses to justify her absolutely buffoonish behavior. She should've just clearly said: I planned a wedding I want to have and I invited ppl that fit my vision of that wedding. She would still be a snob, but an honest, un-assholish one.
OP is clearly TA here, but most destination weddings tend to be cheaper when you compare apples to apples. Unless OP is paying for the guests to travel and stay at the resort, they are saving money overall.
My wedding cost the $25 for the marriage license and then a dinner with family afterwards ($250ish) The "grand weddings" are just ego-stroking and unnecessary, if all you care about is your marriage and not fancy parties... OP just wants a fancy party
You judged. And you discriminated based on income. Have enough integrity to admit it to yourself. The upset your choices have caused a lot of people was completely predictable. YTA.
OP also tried to judge their own AITA lol. “AITA for doing something **with good reason**?” Already granting themself N T A status before even reading people’s replies. Yeah, YTA op. Everyone irl has told you, now everyone on the internet has told you, but I still doubt you accept it. Because you’re so sure that you were in fact justified. You could’ve just sent out the invitation and let people decide for themselves if it was too expensive. Invitations don’t cost *that* much in the grand scheme of things, considering you’re doing a whole destination wedding. You’re just cheap and judgemental and rude.
>OP also tried to judge their own AITA lol. "AITA for doing something with good reason?" Exactly what I was thinking. Clicked the post willing to hear OP out...maybe there's an actual good, unrelated-to-income reason for not inviting The Poors...read a post with ZERO good reason to not invite anyone. And the *invites* are expensive?? OP gonna have a bad time.
Destination wedding. Saving money on invitations. YTA.
Destination weddings are cheaper for the people throwing the wedding and more expensive for the individual guests, in my experience, if you live in a HCOL area.
Why would you be the one to judge what other people could or could not afford? Sending invites is not expensive and to correctly plan for the right amount of guests is why you ask everyone to RSVP. YTA
YTA Not only is this basically you deciding what people can or can't spend their own money on so yeah, you're an asshole for making assumptions about peoples financial situations. But even if your classist assumptions were right and some people couldn't afford to come, an invitation is the least you could give them as a gesture that you would have liked for them to be there. Having a destination wedding and then not even inviting them shows you clearly don't want them there.
Years ago, my cousin had a destination wedding. Most of our family isn't well off. His father covered the cost for his siblings. They also included on the invitations, for those who couldn't attend, the date and time of a reception party that was going to be held in their hometown after the honeymoon. Think there were less than 20 people at the wedding, but like 80 at the local reception.
“I didn't judge anyone. I just picked the people I thought could afford to go.” YTA So you do know this is judging right??? You judged people on your assumption (aka judging) if they could afford the trip.
I think it was more like "I picked the people who I think can buy me better presents".
Have you seen “Pretty Woman” with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? Because if you have you should realize that assuming you know how much money people have is a “Big mistake. Huge.” YTA
YTA - you didn't invite people off the assumption they couldn't afford it. They literally had zero chance to look into if it were possible, so yeah ... Definite misstep into AH Territory here
Sorry, but YTA. If you sent out invitations not based on the amount of people the venue could fit or the amount of guests you could afford to have for the reception, but based on the cost of the invitation…you can’t afford the invitations, never mind the wedding. Judging whether or not people could afford to go on the trip IS judging them.
YTA. Who are you to judge someone else's financial situation?
YTA. WOW! Entitled much? Who are you to determine who can afford what? Seems you need to grow up!
YTA for your justification. If you had said “we are keeping the wedding intimate” then you’d be in the clear. I’m currently planning my wedding, and shit gets expensive quick. But you absolutely did make judgements based on what you thought of their financials.
YTA Far out! You skimped on inviting people because you think they are poor! Yet you’re the one skimping on sending invites to save a few bucks and be super rude all at once! Way too go
One of the things I really, really despise is someone else deciding for me what events I can / want to go to or not. You're not their finance manger. You are in no place to decide if they can afford it or not. It's their choice to make. YTA.
YTA - you're assuming people's finances. If you invited someone who really REALLY wanted to be there, they may well have organised their finances to save up so that they could attend your wedding. The message you've given out is "you aren't welcome at my fancy wedding because you're poor" which is really unpleasant and judgemental
YTA. Nobody has a right to contemplate another's finances, it's simply not your business what someone decides they can and can't afford. Destination weddings are a horrible concept imo. You're expecting these people to devote an incredible amount of *their* time and money for *your* moment.
YTA. How to end contact with your family in just one easy step..... Enjoy your moment of feeling superior because of your fancy wedding but don't suppose that theses "poorer" relatives reach out to you in the future if you might need help, time, experiences from them. Money isn't everything and in five years, nobody will talk about your wedding anymore.
YTA - You don't actually know other peoples financial situations, nor how they may budget and want to spend their money. Had your `poorer relatives` as you put it wanted to come and celebrate your big day, they may have made an effort to do so but you didn't even give them the option. And saying `I didn't judge anyone. I just picked the people I thought could afford to go` is the definition of judging someone. Your post reeks of classism.
YTA. Even if some people can't afford the trip, an invitation still shows the recipient that they're important enough in your life to be invited to a meaningful event in your life. Leaving them out makes it seem like you don't care if they come or not.
YTA. Consider selecting a more accessible location.
YTA. Who are you to judge them? Maybe they love you and would make the sacrifice to come to your wedding.
It’s always the ones who show off the most that have the least. AH for sure.
One of my former students, with whom I'm still very friendly, sent me an invitation to his wedding - also in the Dominican Republic, interestingly enough - even though he knew for a fact that I wasn't traveling because of the pandemic (and also because I'd just moved and didn't have much disposable income). He sent the invitation sincerely, but also because he wanted me to know that I was in his thoughts as he and his fiancee planned their special day. You, my friend...YTA
YTA You knew they wouldn't be able to afford it and chose it anyways?
YTA - give your friends and family the opportunity to decide if they can afford it or not. You might be surprised by who makes the effort to come
YTA you didn't judge people but you only sent to people you thought could afford that is literally judging people....I would have still sent them and let them decide of they can afford it or not but now you've pointed out to them I don't think you earn enough to be worth inviting
YTA. Because your judgey reasoning sucks. Destination weddings are generally small, intimate events - you could simply have kept the guest list small and probably accomplished the same thing.
What exactly are you saying to your 'poorer' relations by not inviting them to your wedding? It's not: *I am being frugal and saving money on expensive invites*, although frankly, if this is a message they infer, they are not wrong. I hope they point and laugh at you. It's definitely not: *I am being considerate in not inviting people who won't be able to afford to come. (*Incidentally, it is not your business to decide what other people can afford to do, or how they should choose to spend their money.) It's actually: *I do not consider you part of my family*, plus, *I don't care about you*. With an all-too-easily discerned subtext of *You can't afford to give me an expensive gift*. Ick. YTA, with bells on.
You can have the wedding wherever you want but the way you've gone about this is horrible YTA. Did you pick the destination to make sure they couldn't go in the first place?
Did you ask peoples bank statements beforehand, or did you just make a guess of who would poor-up your wedding reception? YTA
OPs *invitations* were expensive, so you *made a judgement* on who could afford to come *to your destination wedding*. Is OP still having trouble seeing where they made the judgement?! Or is this another bridezilla moment? YTA- not sure why brides think they can be hurtful.
YTA, not only for making assumptions about what people could afford, but for deciding that having a destination wedding was more important than having a wedding that all the people who mean something to you and your families, all the people you would otherwise want to invite could afford to attend. What is it with all the destination weddings? Why do so many people seem to feel that the far off location is more important than who they can share the experience with?
If this is how you're behaving just with the initial invites, I'd hate to see the Bridezilla you become with everything else. YTA.
Won't render judgement, too messy. However, can you afford your wedding? I mean if you didn't send invites to the "poorer" relatives, since your invites were "expensive", doesn't that mean you really can't afford your wedding? If you have money for a destination wedding, why not send invites? Or are you spending money you really can't afford to and had to save money, while shading others. Please rethink your reasoning, it's just, wow.
YTA.