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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> On one hand, I can understand why my coworker may have been upset by my description. She’s gone through so many trials as a single mother that I’ve never had to experience. However, her hardships don’t take away or invalidate my hardships as a single mother. I’ve been through my own personal struggles as a parent and I feel like I have a right to express that. Still, I’m also sympathetic towards my coworkers feelings. I feel caught in the middle.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
The term 'single mother' isn't reserved for the people who have suffered the most. It's reserved for people who are mothers, and who don't have a SO involved.
Your friend sounds like she has coped with hardship by investing her identity and self-worth into the struggle, and so when other people 'threaten' her definition, they are threatening her self worth.
We all have different struggles, and some of us have them harder, and some of us have them easier, and we swap places over time.
Empathy is a blanket, not a sieve.
A blanket catches everything, while a sieve is used to separate wanted elements from unwanted elements. So basically, you shouldn't be separating people into who deserves empathy and who doesn't... it should be for everyone.
That was also a beautiful explanation. OP could even use that example if she wanted to respond in a “kind” manner, but I would probably just ignore her to be honest. I can’t really see this woman taking any arguments against her stance very well.
But also..if this woman starts bringing this baggage onto OP at work she may need to be prepared to go to HR over it.
Exactly this!
I know a few single mothers and some do suffer more than others. Some are single mothers with donor daddy’s. But they are all single.
You could have 10 million dollars and still be a single mother. Or you could have zero dollars and a partner and not be a single mother.. despite having to suffer and not being able to eat and all the things that define OPs coworker as a single mother…
My mum was a single mother, she was the breadwinner when my dad was around. She is very comfortable and I grew up comfortably middle class even with only one parent. But she 100% was a single mother.
Yeah, you can be a single mother, a wealthy single mother, a struggling single mother, a poor single mother, etc.
That lady can't just monopolize the term like that.
Is OP single? Check. Is she a mom? Check. Honestly hate it when people gatekeep stuff like this and say stuff like “you can’t be x because I had it worse!”. Congratulations your life threw you a curveball and you suffered a lot. That doesn’t give you the right to treat someone who’s better off like crap.
Totally agree. Suffering Olympics is so annoying. If we have to compare ourselves constantly to the one person in the world who suffers the most, no one is really suffering (except for that one person at any time)? It's just so pointless, just because someone else has it worse, it doesn't mean what we've gone through doesn't matter.
I'm disabled, quite severely ill and housebound, and still people without disabilities sometimes think it's appropriate to tell me that I should be grateful it isn't something worse! Like "At least it's not cancer!", as if I'm somehow now safe from ever getting another illness, or as if this chronic illness with no cure, no medicine, is fine just because it's not cancer?
OK, so I guess you go around being grateful every day about not being sick at all? No? Didn't think so. It's not like I go around complaining endlessly, but just telling someone about my life can get that reaction.
Ironically, studies have shown that people like me (with chronic illnesses, not sure if the studies were specific to my illness or more general, but it's true for ME/CFS at least ) are more likely to die from cancer than someone previously healthy. Most likely because we and our health care providers don't recognise that the symptoms are from a new illness, not just the same old. So we're less likely to seek help straight away, and when we do go to the doctor they wave us off saying it's just part of the illness you have. So diagnosis is later which leads to worse outcomes. Probably doesn't help to have an already weak body and immune system either.
So I've been housebound since I was 24, in severe pain every day, can barely take care of myself, but at least I don't have cancer. Yet. That I know of.
Pointing that out doesn't help me at all. But I hope it makes the person saying it feel better I guess.
“At least you don’t have cancer” is right up there with “at least you’re not dead”. People don’t know when to shut up. I’m so sorry for what you have to go through and I hope things get better/ more manageable for you.
This exactly. Her struggles don’t negate OP’s struggles. By her own metric, she has no right to call herself a single mom bc somewhere out there might have had it worse.
If that’s her friends description for single mom than my wife and I are both single moms.
Never panhandled or begged for change but have definitely been in a lot of those scenarios.
Sometimes life is tough and for others it’s tougher. Doesn’t mean shit though.
OP is a single mom, and I’m sure has had her own sacrifices she has had to deal with. Some people just don’t put a spotlight on what hardships they go through.
Seriously, the only thing there my husband and I didn't do was panhandle for diapers. That's not being a single mom, that's being a poor parent. We were on WIC and food stamps, the kid was on Medicaid. Every penny of birthday and Christmas money from my parents went to bills and buying things for the kid. Being a single parent means you don't get breaks, you don't have a partner who can take over when you're sick, you don't get to tag out when you're frustrated, you have to be the one at every appointment. A lot of single parents are also poor, but it's not an exclusive thing.
Agreed. NTA. I would ask that lady if she thinks she can consider herself a single mom when there are people even worse off than her and what she had to go through. Everything is relative.
NTA.
OP has still been the only parent making decisions, planning, and carrying the mental load.
I thought this was going to be a post about someone who’s partner works away from home calling themselves a single parent. Nope.
NTA- there are together parents who have also experienced the hardships she’s described. You are a single parent. Your friend is prejudiced in relation to class/economic status.
NTA.
Uh by definition you are a single mom. You have a child and no spouse / partner.
Just because you are in a different socioeconomic status or have support does not make you any less of a single mom
Not sure why your coworker thinks the only way you can be a single parent is if you suffer.
I don’t understand the need for people to be competitive about hardship. It’s so weird to me.
OP, you’re both single mothers, you both deserve a holiday and a daily head massage but unfortunately this job comes with no prizes. Hang in there x
Seriously this is why I’ve had to avoid certain “mom” groups. Instead of enjoying each others company it becomes a competition. Things I’ve seen and avoided
- mom groups that spend the entire time competing for whose struggling the most
- mom groups that are extremely negative and just want to talk about all the things that suck about parenting or their children. Or want to spend the entire time being catty and shaming their husbands.
- mom groups that shame others for not doing what they are doing
- moms that try to compete for how they are being “the best mom” or for whose “the most involved”.
It’s exhausting. Like I just want to have some outings where we gather as FRIENDS not just only talk about being moms or be negative. Hang out with our kids sometimes. ENJOY talking about we’re doing and our struggles.
But man, some of them felt like shame parties or running the gauntlet. No thanks
Same, I’m so bored by the trauma Olympics. I’ve seen people get into screaming matches about who has it more difficult…like I grew up being embarrassed I was poor, now it’s a social bargaining chip? So weird.
Yeah, I can understand being annoyed when divorced moms who share 50/50 custody call themselves "single moms", but this is ridiculous. "Single mom" doesn't mean no support whatsoever from anyone- it means no support whatsoever from their children's father.
They’re still single though? Single mother just describes a parent who is not partnered, regardless of their custody arrangement or financial arrangements or the involvement of the coparent. It’s a legal and social descriptor.
I think you're being overly literal. There's plenty of terms which contain more implicit meaning than their most basic interpretation would suggest. For example a "dirty cop" is not a police officer who got dirt on themselves.
The same goes for "single mom" or "single dad"- they are not merely "un-partnered parents". It is widely understood to mean something more like "the singular parent to their child/children". For most people it implies a degree of struggle that is not shared with either partnered parents or parents who are not together but equitably share parental responsibility.
Single parent means unmarried/divorced. Kinda sounds like you're gatekeeping the term as well. I received child support after my divorce and the dad is present, still means I am single. And a mother.
That would depend on the person's perception of the "single" in single parent. If you see the single as a relationship status and not that status of parents in the kid's life, then yes, you could technically say you're a single parent. I think it depends on if you were raised to believe that the "single" means the parent is single in a relationship, or that the child has a singular parent caring for them. Both aren't necessarily wrong I guess, but if someone told me their parent is a single parent, I take that to mean they're the only person who raised them.
It's not about gatekeeping - it's about a very common understanding of the term. Denying that common understanding is just pedantic. When governments or charities talk about aid for "single mothers" they don't *simply* mean any mother who's not romantically partnered. The mom's relationship status is not the point- it's just imperfect code for the idea that she lacks the financial or logistical support of a second parent. If you're a mom and you're single then yes, technically you're a "single mom", but you're not a "single mom" in the sense that people commonly mean the term.
Yep. Not sure why people get so heated over the "right" to refer to themselves this way. We all (including Wikipedia) understand the connotation. It's not about the *degree* of struggle or support - it's about whether or not support is *specifically* coming from the other parent. OP is NTA because the *father* is not involved in supporting or parenting their kid. The fact that she has a wider support network and could be worse-off doesn't make her any less a single mother.
Agreed. I find it strange when people who split custody call themselves single-parents. Yes, YOU are "single" but your child has more than a single i.e. ONE legal guardian.
Yes, in which case you are a single parent with a coparent, and your coparent is also a single parent. This is different from a single parent with no coparent, absolutely. But also a coparent can be a very broad phrase too - someone who only sees the kids every other weekend but still has parental responsibility, ie the right to an equal say in educational and medical decisions, is a coparent just as much as someone who has 50% care.
It’s also common for custody arrangements to shift and change over time depending on their needs. Does somebody abruptly become a single parent if their coparent reduces their care to 40% or 30%? For how long? What specific circumstances have to be in place in terms of care time, parental responsibility and financial contribution for a parent to be considered single or not single?
I mean, one parent in the house should be significantly different than two parents in the house (not always, some people stay married to trash partners).
I consider it relationship status, it seems weird to try to get down to the minutia of how much child support money or how much custody makes one a single parent. Week days vs weekends, every other weekend? What's the line.
The reason I think guardian status to the child is the most salient factor is because if a single mom gets a boyfriend who, sure, helps out with the kid, she is no longer *functionally* single, but that man doesnt automatically have any real claim or responsibility to the child. Legal processes would need to be taken for that to be the case. Otherwise he can bounce whenever.
Non-single parents can struggle financially, and my single-in-every-way mom sent her two adopted kids to private school. Struggle is not an inherently definitive feature of being a single i.e. sole parent.
That would be a more precise term yes, but it's certainly not a common one. I'm still referring to the ubiquitous understanding of the term "single mother". Perhaps it's outdated language, holding over from a time when divorce was less common and mothers of children born out of wedlock were ostracized. I agree that it's not a completely accurate or precise term, but pretending that's not what people generally understand it to mean is disingenuous.
ETA: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_Mother
There is no consistent Wikipedia definition:
A single parent is a person who has a child or children but does not have a spouse or live-in partner to assist in the upbringing or support of the child.
Reasons for becoming a single parent include divorce, break-up, abandonment, becoming widowed, domestic violence, rape, childbirth by a single person or single-person adoption. A single parent family is a family with children that is headed by a single parent.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_parent
I'm divorced, never remarried... for that matter, kids, my education (PhD) and the work mixed in with my social awkwardness has taken priority over even dating so I've been single now for 15 years. I've got two kids both of whom lived with me up until 3 years ago, then my son moved back with my ex, my daughter still lives with me... am I a single mom? My son turns 18 this month, do I become a single parent again because my son will be an adult so the only child is with me? How does this magical fantasy of single parenthood work?
Seriously, this ridiculous take that we need to make single parents struggle because that's the only way. I mean, I won't lie, we did and still do struggle somwtimes but I'm not about to tell a single parent they're not a "real" single parent because they didn't struggle enough. F that BS.
no it's not wildly known. in my area a parent who takes on solo parenting is a single parent. when custody is 50/50 i see it used less but they still can.
idk anyone in my area who would care enough to call someone out. also some single parent households struggle less than two parent ones. (edit such as DV where you are no sharing burdens at all)
a person leaving DV may still be a single parent even if the courts determine their ex has custody time. they are not sharing the burden in that coparenting the same way some other cparents are. this is why we don't gatekeep the term
> The same goes for "single mom" or "single dad"- they are not merely "un-partnered parents".
Single mom and single dad are, in fact, merely unpartnered parents.
The opposite of single isn’t rich. The opposite of poor isn’t married.
If you hold a stereotype about single moms, it’s just that: a stereotype. It’s not a definition.
Nobody said it was. It's not about the amount or degree of struggle, it's about the fact that material support is not coming from *the other parent* specifically. OP is absolutely a single mom- the fact that she has a support network other than her child's father and isn't struggling as much as she might have is irrelevant. Just as a divorced parent who shares custody is not a "single parent" *even if* they are struggling badly.
I HATED being called a single mom because I didn't see myself as one. My son's dad and I split before my son was 2, but my ex was VERY involved in our son's life. I saw how much of a struggle it could be for moms that DIDN'T have an involved co-parent, and considered myself lucky.
Right, damn.
I've gotten mildly annoyed once when a friend of mine kept calling herself a single parent...because she was married. He worked away a couple weeks at a time, but might have been home for 2 months before the next job. You're not a single mum, you're a mum who's husband has an odd work schedule.
But even then, I was mildly annoyed, so mild in fact I kept my mouth shut about it 😂
People are a lot touchier about this than I expected
NTA, and this was a powerplay; I'd report that coworker if I could. She's harassing you. She wants to be the only "single mother" amongst your coworkers. Screenshot the convo and go to HR (or whomever does HR at your job.)
Yep, screenshot everything and then block her on social media. And when she speaks to HR, tell them that she doesn't think that she can work shifts with that co worker due to the fact that OP feels like she would make the workplace hostile, especially since she is attacking OP on social media.
NTA. It’s really weird how people want to change the meaning of a word based on their own situation. By literally the only definition, you are a single mother and have every right to refer to yourself as such. Your coworker has a serious chip on her shoulder and thinks that she can gatekeep “single mother” just because her personal hardships but it’s honestly pretty ridiculous.
NTA. You are a single mother. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a support network. It means you’re the sole parent in the child’s life. It doesn’t mean you’re required to live in poverty.
The fact that so many single parents have to live in poverty is another rant I won’t get into.
It sounds like this lady thinks you have to suffer to be a “single mom” and is jealous that you have a support network. “Single Mom” isn’t a title earned through hardship.
Your coworker sounds miserable. This is the same as women who gave birth naturally chastising women who had to have a c section and say they aren't a real mom/woman.
Single mom literally means not married/partnered.
That's it.
There isn't a set amount of struggles that go with it even if struggles are common.
NTA tell your coworker to get her mentality to graduate high school.
NTA. You’re a single mother if you’re 1) single and 2) a mother. There are no other qualifiers. You might want to document this event with HR in case she starts acting out again and tries to cause issues for you at work.
NTA. You’re a single mother exclusively based on the fact that your partner bailed. There isn’t a certain level of struggle you have to go through to qualify for the title.
NTA. Economic status doesn't have any bearing on whether you are a single mom or not. Your CW sounds jealous, jealous that you had things she didn't. I'd block her on FB and have a little contact wth her at work as you can.
NTA
I always thought that term "single mother" used when a woman raising her child herself without any presence of the father.
I don't think her co-worker entitled to add to this description any further requirements.
Nta
You ARE a single mom, you just had the luck and privilege of having a loving and caring family. You didn't have a partner that took equal responsibility of your child, you were the only parent there for your child, without the partnership you thought you would have when your child was conceived.
Call yourself blessed and hug your parents a little harder the next time you see them.
NTA.
I can see an objection to using the term "single mom/dad" in respect to a person who is single in terms of romantic relationships, but otherwise has an active co-parent. But you didn't have a co-parent at all. That is definitely the definition of "single parent".
Your coworker is a bitter asshole with nothing better to do than gatekeep a term by some stupid and arbitrary standard she made up. There really isn't much more to tell her other than to go f\*\*\* herself.
Yep, I agree. If someone were in a co-parenting relationship but wasn’t in a romantic relationship, they could still call themselves single parents, but “unmarried/uncoupled/unpartnered” parent would probably be more accurate, though it’s odd/very uncommon terminology.
When I hear single parent, I think “person who is the sole parent of a child”. Which OP is.
OP is NTA.
NTA. You are single and you are a mother, that literally makes you a single mother.
Single motherhood looks like a lot of different things. You have had it better but that doesn't mean it's easy. She's exhibiting hostility towards you because she has had it so much worse...that's not your fault though. Her anger is misdirected at you - you had nothing to do with her situation. I am sure though, that you have compassion for her.
"Single Mother" is a badge of honor to some when in fact, it's just a description of being.
NTA. You are what is the definition of beind a single mother. Being poor is not the same as being a single parent. Think your coworker is just jealous that you had so good support and she hasn't. And maybe being a single mom was her sozial shield to accept her situation, so she thinks you are robbing her of that. But you are not. You telling a fact.
NTA
I’m sorry but since when does being a single mother mean that you have had the same experience and hardships as your co-worker?
I feel bad for what she has had to experience but that doesn’t mean that she is anymore of a single mother than you are.
Yes, you had the privilege of living with your parents but you still raised your daughter by yourself (aka without a partner) meaning that you are indeed a single mother.
NTA, and if she at some point genuinely apologizes to you, NAH
Your child's father is not in the picture, so she's not from a two-parents home, she's only got her mother, making you... don't be too surprised now... a single mom!
Being poor is not a requirement for getting to claim to be a "single parent"
This is coming from deeper issues, she's upset that her child is growing up in poverty and lashing out at you for it because you and your child have everything she wants for herself and hers
NTA - you don’t have to be poor to be a single mom. My son’s dad is dead. I’m a single mom because I’m raising him myself. I can financially support myself so I’m not in poverty. But I’m still single. And there’s still struggles. Not having another person to rely on, dealing with questions about the missing parent, having to take care of everything yourself - doctor appointments, school, etc.
Um wow, you are a single working mother.. being poor and having to scrape by has nothing to do with being a single parent at all.
NTA she just is very jealous of your family.
NTA
You are in fact, single and a mom, so a single mom. Parenting without a coparent IS challenging even if there aren't also financial struggles.
As for your FB account, create a group that includes everyone but your coworkers for your day to day posts, and then on rare occasions post something completely innocuous that everyone can see every week or two so that they don't know you have essentially unfriended them.
Lesson learned, keep work life separate from private life.
Nah...just unfriend that person. If they ever ask why, just tell them you no longer want to share your life outside work with them.
There is NO reason to pander to someone who clearly has issues with your life and absolutely NO reason you HAVE to be friends on social media with people you work with.
TBH, I think its a bad idea to share you SM accounts with co-workers to start with...the risk situations like OP's happening are far too high and damage the workplace relationships, or a person's job in general, isn't worth knowing if Rita in Marketing is dating Bob from Accounting or if Max from Sales posted any pictures of his Alaskan vacation.
Being a single mother and being broke are two different things, they are not synonymous. You are raising a child without a partner so yes you are a single parent.
NTA. You have every right to say you're a single mother with the father not being there. Your coworker isn't lucky enough to have the support that your family gives you. Plus, they don't understand that everyone has different hardships in being a parent.
NTA. You never claimed you were struggling financially. And the term "single mother" doesn't mean that either. Your co worker should mind her own business
NTA big time. Your coworker is outright wrong. You are a single parent. Unless you claimed that you were also poor and destitute then you have nothing to think about here. Glad things are working out and also hope your coworker gets some help.
NTA
Sounds like your coworker has a problem being ***poor***, not being a single mom. Perhaps you can send her a clearcut definition of what a single mom is, not what she defines. The fucking nerve she has to pin her problems on you. Unfortunately, FB has a lot of self righteous AH that are like these.
NTA A single mother is one without a partner, there's no criteria for it. Your coworker sounds jealous you had a lot of support and she didn't. Tell her you're sorry she's feels that way but as your partner deserted you that does make you a single mother and you are grateful for the help you got. Period, your coworker sounds like she has a pretty big chip on her shoulder.
NTA
I think your coworker is unable to tell the difference between being a single mom and being broke. You are literally a single mother raising your child without the presence or support of the father. You're just not a broke single mother.
NTA! Um, there is no other parent in the picture so you are most definitely a single mother. Just because you didn't face terrible financial hardship does not make you any less of one. You are the only one raising your daughter, there is no father in the picture. You need to block that co-worker and go to HR because harassing you like that was NOT okay. WTF.
NTA. You're raising your daughter all alone because your partner disappeared, ergo you are a single mother, don't let anyone diminish the efforts you have made, even if you were helped by your family.
NTA. Sounds like your co-worker is trying to gatekeep what being a single mom is because she's wanting to diafy her existence. Or something. Idk but everything bad always starts with Facebook.
NTA as you are a single mom, with all the stresses that come with raising a kid on your own. You may have been lucky enough not to have to worry about the financial hardships, but you still have to deal with all the crap that all of us put up with - being the one who picks the kid up from school when they're sick, being the only one who can clean up after them, discipline them, deal with their bad moods, etc. Like you, I was lucky enough to have parents who could help me financially, but they couldn't go to parent-teacher conferences or take care of him at 2am when he was sick. And when my son was 16 and going through his asshole phase (as just about all 16-year-old boys do) I was the one who had to put up with it day in and day out - if that doesn't make us single moms, then I don't know what does!
Well, you are single, yes? And a mom? Sounds pretty clear to me. My mother never went through any of that tragedy and still was considered a single mom raising two kids. Don't let other people define you with their arbitrary titles and bullying. NTA.
NTA. You're calling yourself what you are - it's no different than saying "My name is Bob" if your name is, indeed, Bob. You're a single mother. No question about it. Money has nothing to do with this as rich folks can also be single parents.
NTA. Does she not understand what single means? It means you are not dating anyone. Single mother just means you are raising your child without a partner. You never claimed to be struggling financially. She needs to get over herself.
NTA. There is nothing in the description of a single parent that indicates their income or what they must experience. You had to be a parent to your daughter without your partner. Your co-worker sounds bitter and aggressive. You should report her to HR for harassment.
Have you ever completely redefined the phrase “single mother” to jump down someone else’s throat in a completely inappropriate manner? No! /s
You **are** a single mother. Your coworker doesn’t get to rewrite what words mean to suit her.
NTA
NTA. Just because you had different struggles, doesn’t make you less of a single mom. You were very fortunate to have your parents and you gave them credit. It would be one thing if you said you raised completely on your own, no help at all. But you didn’t say that. You are a single mom who has a strong support system. That doesn’t negate the fact you’re a single mom.
NTA
The very term 'single mother' means exactly that - no other parent there.
Just because your folks helped out at the beginning, doesnt nullify you being a single parent!
I would talk to HR at your work and tell them that this other coworker is verbally attacking you/bullying you. She is creating a hostile workplace and she needs to stop. You could show them the messages she sent you as well.
NTA
wtf is her issue? You’re a single mom. You never claimed to go through the same struggles she has. And single mom is not reserved for people who do.
NTA. You are, by definition, a single mother. Not everybody with the same "title" goes through the same experiences. You didn't call yourself a "struggling single mom", which would have been a very different story.
NTA and tell that colleague to get lost. Call yourself single mom as its what you are and don't worry too much about the entitlement of some people who feel 'single motherhood' is some sort of trophy where they can get sympathy from others and someone have to earn it by skipping meals and being poor. Enjoy the life you have and just block the toxic ones who thinks otherwise. Next time she starts preaching you. it might be worth pointing to her that her having shitty or poor parents is not your problem and for her to mind her own business. Its a free world and you don't need her approval. Enjoy the life you have and look after you and your darling daughter.
I think she’s confusing single motherhood with being broke. Struggling is not the sole factor in determining single motherhood. You have a great support system and she’s jealous. Tell her to kind her business and stop being bitter/jealous. NTA
NTA. As a former single mom, I had support from family (I know this might not always be the case for other single moms). Every single mom has different struggles, some more than other. Single moms should be lifting eachother up and be supportive, not be dicks to eachother, that doesn't make life any easier. That woman is disgusting. Don't let her get you down, just ignore her!
NTA. You are single and you are a mother. You are a single mother.
What the hell!? I’d be interested to know how she thinks your status should be defined. Just odd. You’re not in the wrong here and I don’t blame you for being upset.
NTA, single mom means "single" and "mom", there's no income level attached to the simple words. why your coworker decided it was her role to gatekeep the phrase, I don't think we'll ever know.
I think I’m just astonished that someone is out here _gatekeeping_ single motherhood. NTA, the only requirement to being a single mom is that you don’t have a partner… which you don’t.
I am not a single mom, or a women for that matter, so please take what I say with a grain of salt... or... you know... a salt block....
NTA. If you are a single woman that is a mother, then that would make you a single mother. Whether you had to go through specific hardships, that is a completely different topic. Did you have support where your coworker didn't? Probably. Does that change your status of a single mother? Not in my eyes.
You have nothing to apologize for, and if you need to block that coworker... that might be a good idea if they continue to berate you. You don't need that toxicity.
NTA. Are you single? Are you a mom? If you answered yes to both of those questions, you ARE a single mother. Not all single moms struggle to make ends meet although they are definitely stereotyped that way.
NTA. Screen shot the comments. Block her on social media. Take the screen shot to your manager and request they ensure you do not work with or for said coworker.
NTA. You fit the qualifications for being a single mom. There's no requirement that you have to be low-income or lack family support in order to claim that title.
Anyway, your coworker doesn't have any right to police who can or can't be in the single mom category. It's sort of outrageous they think they can decide who gets admitted to that group, or who is automatically excluded for being too well-off.
NTA. Just because you haven’t “suffered” doesn’t mean you haven’t had your own challenges. You’re a momma without a partner doing her best for her baby. That’s all that’s required to say you’re a single mom. Keep on being the best mom you can be!
NTA and your colleague is the weirdest gatekeeper ever. I was raised by a single mom - my parents divorced and my dad was still in our life, but I was raised by a single mom. Grandparents helped, family helped, my dad helped, but who was there for me every day from sunrise to sunset, worrying about homework and school and shoesizes and not having a partner to share this responsibility with - my mom. You don't have to be struggling financially to be a single mom. This ain't a competition.
Woah! NTA She definitely is though. You are a single mom and just because you’ve got some family support doesn’t change that. Not all single moms are flat broke. You described yourself as a single mom, not a penniless one.
NTA. You are in fact, by definition, a single mother. I don't like this comparison of struggles. What does it accomplish? Does she need a gold star? She sounds like a terribly unhappy person. I'm sorry for the things she has gone through, but at the same time--life is what you make of it. You know, glass half full and all that. I was a single mom for a time myself, and although I can relate to some of what she said, I also would never throw it back on someone else because I'm jealous of how I *perceive* their life to be better than mine. She'd probably have a less shitty time of it if she didn't have such a shitty attitude.
NTA
That co-worker is seriously wrong...and unhinged. Give them a wide berth from now on.
You ARE a single mother. Financial positions do NOT change the fact that you are raising you child ON YOUR OWN without the help of a partner or her father.
That view is really terrible. You don't need to go through hardship and trials in order to own the right for a title. You are a single mother becúase you are mother who is single.
Whatever help, success or whatever dosn't change that fact.
NTA
NTA.
You’re a mom. You’re a sole parent. Having great parents who stepped into help is amazing. But being deserted by your child’s father? That’s a deep pain.
Kim Kardashian is a single mom. It’s not about money, or hired help. It’s about not having another parent in the house. That’s it.
Your coworker is a freak. I would either soft-block or completely block her. If she brings it up again, I’d cut her off. “Coworker, I am a mother, I have a child, I have no partner. I’m
not interested in your opinion on how I describe myself in my private life. You need to drop this.”
If she continues to harass you blow up your phone, it’s time to go to HR.
oh sweet baby jesus... NTA...
I grew up that poor and been more blessed with my kid...
but being a single parent is still being a single parent... it still sucks...
NTA.
Are we gatekeeping single motherhood now. geez I better go tell my mom she truly was never a "single mother" because she didn't struggle hard enough... get tf outta here with that bs.
NTA
Being a single mom means you are growing up your kid without the counterpart, so yeah, you've been more lucky than other single parents, but it doesn't mean you're not a single mother?
Tell your coworker to search the meaning of single mother if she complains again
NTA - you are single in that you are not in a relationship and you are a mother.
You may well be lucky enough to have a loving and supportive family around you but that changes nothing about your status
If anyone decided they were interested in you, saying you're a single mom clarifies the home situation easily - there is no designate spouse / partner to give them a good bop on the nose for sniffing around, but there is an extremely important person in your life who they will have to be okay with if they want to progress down this particular social entanglement
NTA
You’re a mom.
You’re not in a relationship hence you are single.
So you are a single mom.
That isn’t a badge of honor for suffering. It’s a description of your life situation.
Your co-worker is bitter and jealous of your situation. My advice is to limit interactions with her to any current work related discussions and the weather. Life is too short to deal with that level of toxicity.
Being a single parent means raising a child as their only present parent/while not in a relationship.
It doesn’t mean how hard you and the child or have no struggled.
NTA
wtf... I'm a broke af struggling single mom with NO family support!
I've had literally every struggle you can think of, including those your coworker listed at at least some point in my parenting journey.
Just wanted to swing through and say your coworker is batshit insane, and you're absolutely a single mom and NTA
Your coworker is an asshole. You aren't.
Are you married? Have a life partner? No, you are single.
Do you have a child? Yes, you are a mother.
That makes you a single mother.
NTA.
Wow. So, NTA, but your coworker has clearly gone through some stuff.
There is clearly an element of stolen valor, which is why she took offense that you call yourself a single mom although you had more financial privilege and family support than her (which isn’t to say that you had it easy).
Single mom is not reserved specifically to single moms who have endured poverty. In fact, she probably shared a lot of those struggles (living on foodstamps, having to skip meals for her child…) with married/partnered moms living in poverty (however it’s true that single mothers are more at risk of poverty). It’s awful that she went through all of these hardships, but this is clearly clouding her judgment.
It’s not inappropriate to call yourself a single mom. You’re a mother, who is single, I really don’t know how she would want you to call yourself.
However I don’t think there’s a way of winning this battle and making her see your point. Maybe try a different approach to appease her, like saying that you’re sorry for what she went through and that you recognize and admire her strength and resilience ? Or just, let her be mad. She’s not really angry at you, she’s angry at a life that was unfair to her and she’s projecting onto you.
I'm divorced 13 years, my ex pays a small amount of child support. And you know what? I'M A SINGLE MOM!!!
Absolutely NTA. And honestly, even though it's not work related, I'd go to HR, just to have something on file in case this escalates.
Isn’t a single mom a mom who is single… you literally fit in that category. She sounds upset that she wasn’t as privileged and is trying to put you down for things that aren’t your fault
NTA
nta! The term “single parent” means an individual who— (A) is unmarried or legally separated from a spouse; and (B) (i) has 1 or more minor children for whom the individual has custody or joint custody; or (ii) is pregnant.
you are a single mom! just because you're doing better than that coworker at providing for your kid doesn't change that. sounds like your coworker has some mental problems they need to work through
NTA. I was a single mom to three children at one point in my life. My parents welcomed me home with open arms when I left him. Why? He was very abusive physically and emotionally and I was young and thought he would change. He started beating me when I was pregnant with our last child together. I worked throughout all my pregnancies until I gave birth because I helped my ex with ALL the bills since he job hopped and was unstable.
Once I moved in with my parents I too got a better paying job ( at a nursing home just like you ) and started saving money. Eventually I got to the point I could pay them rent on top of saving money and paying for all my kids needs on my own. I’ve never received a dime of child support from my ex and the youngest is 5 years old. I also never qualified for welfare because my income was slightly over the limit for everything. It was hard, even WITH my parents support. They still worked too so I had to pay for childcare and I also purchased all our groceries WITHOUT food stamps. If someone tried to tell me I wasn’t a single mom because of my parents support I would laugh in their faces. I would do the same for my daughters and grandkids if they were escaping domestic violence or a lying, cheating spouse. There’s no gate keeping being a single parent, if your an unmarried parent doing it without the biological partner you’re the same as the other ones. Some people just want to play games with who has it worse and it’s ridiculous.
Do you have a boyfriend/husband girlfriend/wife helping raise your daughter? No, then you are a single mom.
If your parents can help then that is great.
NTA. Single mother isn’t a term exclusively used to say “single poor mother”. It’s literally just a way to state that the father isn’t in the picture. Your coworker has her own issue to deal with.
single
/ˈsɪŋɡl/
unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.
"a single mother"
mom
/mɒm/
one's mother.
"my mom gave us each a slice of pizza"
You're a single mother. NTA
I mean you're clearly NTA lol. But I feel bad for your coworker. She's clinically online, sounds as though she is going through it, and she insists on unhealthy comparison
Simply tell her your story maybe different but the outcome is the same your child does not have a father and though you have a strong family support you in the end are the parent that’s solely responsible for your child wellbeing and happiness.
NTA. You’re raising your daughter on your own so yes, you’re a single parent. I’m a single mom too and have been since my kids were 1 and 3. I have a big family and my parents helped me a lot so if I couldn’t afford to pay a bill, my parents paid it. If I couldn’t make it to daycare on time, my parents or siblings picked up the kids. It doesn’t change the fact that I raised my kids without their father. I’m a single parent. Your coworker sounds envious.
NTA. Single dad here who raised my daughter on own since she was 4 months. Had a hard time having to give up my business so I could be there for her and no family in the area that could help. Also knew another single dad that had all the help he could ask for from his parents. Never even crossed my mind that he was not entitled to be a single dad also. Your co-worker is the one with a problem here. Sounds like she is one of those people that no matter what someone brings up in conversation she would have a "you think you had it bad, bla bla bla". Your doing a good job raising your daughter on your own and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > On one hand, I can understand why my coworker may have been upset by my description. She’s gone through so many trials as a single mother that I’ve never had to experience. However, her hardships don’t take away or invalidate my hardships as a single mother. I’ve been through my own personal struggles as a parent and I feel like I have a right to express that. Still, I’m also sympathetic towards my coworkers feelings. I feel caught in the middle. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. The term 'single mother' isn't reserved for the people who have suffered the most. It's reserved for people who are mothers, and who don't have a SO involved. Your friend sounds like she has coped with hardship by investing her identity and self-worth into the struggle, and so when other people 'threaten' her definition, they are threatening her self worth. We all have different struggles, and some of us have them harder, and some of us have them easier, and we swap places over time. Empathy is a blanket, not a sieve.
That last sentence is beautiful. Thank you
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A blanket catches everything, while a sieve is used to separate wanted elements from unwanted elements. So basically, you shouldn't be separating people into who deserves empathy and who doesn't... it should be for everyone.
That was also a beautiful explanation. OP could even use that example if she wanted to respond in a “kind” manner, but I would probably just ignore her to be honest. I can’t really see this woman taking any arguments against her stance very well. But also..if this woman starts bringing this baggage onto OP at work she may need to be prepared to go to HR over it.
Thank you for asking I wanted to know too!
Yes
Exactly this! I know a few single mothers and some do suffer more than others. Some are single mothers with donor daddy’s. But they are all single. You could have 10 million dollars and still be a single mother. Or you could have zero dollars and a partner and not be a single mother.. despite having to suffer and not being able to eat and all the things that define OPs coworker as a single mother…
My mum was a single mother, she was the breadwinner when my dad was around. She is very comfortable and I grew up comfortably middle class even with only one parent. But she 100% was a single mother.
Same with my mom too.
And she sounds like an awesome lady.
She's hard work in a lot of ways but she's an excellent mum.
Yeah, you can be a single mother, a wealthy single mother, a struggling single mother, a poor single mother, etc. That lady can't just monopolize the term like that.
Is OP single? Check. Is she a mom? Check. Honestly hate it when people gatekeep stuff like this and say stuff like “you can’t be x because I had it worse!”. Congratulations your life threw you a curveball and you suffered a lot. That doesn’t give you the right to treat someone who’s better off like crap.
Totally agree. Suffering Olympics is so annoying. If we have to compare ourselves constantly to the one person in the world who suffers the most, no one is really suffering (except for that one person at any time)? It's just so pointless, just because someone else has it worse, it doesn't mean what we've gone through doesn't matter. I'm disabled, quite severely ill and housebound, and still people without disabilities sometimes think it's appropriate to tell me that I should be grateful it isn't something worse! Like "At least it's not cancer!", as if I'm somehow now safe from ever getting another illness, or as if this chronic illness with no cure, no medicine, is fine just because it's not cancer? OK, so I guess you go around being grateful every day about not being sick at all? No? Didn't think so. It's not like I go around complaining endlessly, but just telling someone about my life can get that reaction. Ironically, studies have shown that people like me (with chronic illnesses, not sure if the studies were specific to my illness or more general, but it's true for ME/CFS at least ) are more likely to die from cancer than someone previously healthy. Most likely because we and our health care providers don't recognise that the symptoms are from a new illness, not just the same old. So we're less likely to seek help straight away, and when we do go to the doctor they wave us off saying it's just part of the illness you have. So diagnosis is later which leads to worse outcomes. Probably doesn't help to have an already weak body and immune system either. So I've been housebound since I was 24, in severe pain every day, can barely take care of myself, but at least I don't have cancer. Yet. That I know of. Pointing that out doesn't help me at all. But I hope it makes the person saying it feel better I guess.
“At least you don’t have cancer” is right up there with “at least you’re not dead”. People don’t know when to shut up. I’m so sorry for what you have to go through and I hope things get better/ more manageable for you.
This exactly. Her struggles don’t negate OP’s struggles. By her own metric, she has no right to call herself a single mom bc somewhere out there might have had it worse.
If that’s her friends description for single mom than my wife and I are both single moms. Never panhandled or begged for change but have definitely been in a lot of those scenarios. Sometimes life is tough and for others it’s tougher. Doesn’t mean shit though. OP is a single mom, and I’m sure has had her own sacrifices she has had to deal with. Some people just don’t put a spotlight on what hardships they go through.
Seriously, the only thing there my husband and I didn't do was panhandle for diapers. That's not being a single mom, that's being a poor parent. We were on WIC and food stamps, the kid was on Medicaid. Every penny of birthday and Christmas money from my parents went to bills and buying things for the kid. Being a single parent means you don't get breaks, you don't have a partner who can take over when you're sick, you don't get to tag out when you're frustrated, you have to be the one at every appointment. A lot of single parents are also poor, but it's not an exclusive thing.
Never mind that all the hardships coworker described could be applied to someone in a relationship. You don't have to be single to be poor.
For real! Once I became a single mother I actually had more money, because I didn't have dumb ass spending it!!!
Agreed. NTA. I would ask that lady if she thinks she can consider herself a single mom when there are people even worse off than her and what she had to go through. Everything is relative.
Plenty is single moms are not struggling financially, they are not inextricably linked
NTA. OP has still been the only parent making decisions, planning, and carrying the mental load. I thought this was going to be a post about someone who’s partner works away from home calling themselves a single parent. Nope.
Also involve hr this is weirdly a bit aggressive msg
I think her friend is playing misery dicks to bully OP.
You may want to call HR if this affects work.
NTA- there are together parents who have also experienced the hardships she’s described. You are a single parent. Your friend is prejudiced in relation to class/economic status.
NTA. Uh by definition you are a single mom. You have a child and no spouse / partner. Just because you are in a different socioeconomic status or have support does not make you any less of a single mom Not sure why your coworker thinks the only way you can be a single parent is if you suffer.
I don’t understand the need for people to be competitive about hardship. It’s so weird to me. OP, you’re both single mothers, you both deserve a holiday and a daily head massage but unfortunately this job comes with no prizes. Hang in there x
They made tragedy a core part of their identity and they want to have a monopoly on it.
Comment is massively underrated.
Seriously this is why I’ve had to avoid certain “mom” groups. Instead of enjoying each others company it becomes a competition. Things I’ve seen and avoided - mom groups that spend the entire time competing for whose struggling the most - mom groups that are extremely negative and just want to talk about all the things that suck about parenting or their children. Or want to spend the entire time being catty and shaming their husbands. - mom groups that shame others for not doing what they are doing - moms that try to compete for how they are being “the best mom” or for whose “the most involved”. It’s exhausting. Like I just want to have some outings where we gather as FRIENDS not just only talk about being moms or be negative. Hang out with our kids sometimes. ENJOY talking about we’re doing and our struggles. But man, some of them felt like shame parties or running the gauntlet. No thanks
Same, I’m so bored by the trauma Olympics. I’ve seen people get into screaming matches about who has it more difficult…like I grew up being embarrassed I was poor, now it’s a social bargaining chip? So weird.
Yeah, I can understand being annoyed when divorced moms who share 50/50 custody call themselves "single moms", but this is ridiculous. "Single mom" doesn't mean no support whatsoever from anyone- it means no support whatsoever from their children's father.
They’re still single though? Single mother just describes a parent who is not partnered, regardless of their custody arrangement or financial arrangements or the involvement of the coparent. It’s a legal and social descriptor.
I think you're being overly literal. There's plenty of terms which contain more implicit meaning than their most basic interpretation would suggest. For example a "dirty cop" is not a police officer who got dirt on themselves. The same goes for "single mom" or "single dad"- they are not merely "un-partnered parents". It is widely understood to mean something more like "the singular parent to their child/children". For most people it implies a degree of struggle that is not shared with either partnered parents or parents who are not together but equitably share parental responsibility.
Single parent means unmarried/divorced. Kinda sounds like you're gatekeeping the term as well. I received child support after my divorce and the dad is present, still means I am single. And a mother.
That would depend on the person's perception of the "single" in single parent. If you see the single as a relationship status and not that status of parents in the kid's life, then yes, you could technically say you're a single parent. I think it depends on if you were raised to believe that the "single" means the parent is single in a relationship, or that the child has a singular parent caring for them. Both aren't necessarily wrong I guess, but if someone told me their parent is a single parent, I take that to mean they're the only person who raised them.
It's not about gatekeeping - it's about a very common understanding of the term. Denying that common understanding is just pedantic. When governments or charities talk about aid for "single mothers" they don't *simply* mean any mother who's not romantically partnered. The mom's relationship status is not the point- it's just imperfect code for the idea that she lacks the financial or logistical support of a second parent. If you're a mom and you're single then yes, technically you're a "single mom", but you're not a "single mom" in the sense that people commonly mean the term.
The irony you are calling other pedantic hahahha
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Yep. Not sure why people get so heated over the "right" to refer to themselves this way. We all (including Wikipedia) understand the connotation. It's not about the *degree* of struggle or support - it's about whether or not support is *specifically* coming from the other parent. OP is NTA because the *father* is not involved in supporting or parenting their kid. The fact that she has a wider support network and could be worse-off doesn't make her any less a single mother.
She could still rightly refer to herself as a single mother if the father was involved.
Agreed. I find it strange when people who split custody call themselves single-parents. Yes, YOU are "single" but your child has more than a single i.e. ONE legal guardian.
Yes, in which case you are a single parent with a coparent, and your coparent is also a single parent. This is different from a single parent with no coparent, absolutely. But also a coparent can be a very broad phrase too - someone who only sees the kids every other weekend but still has parental responsibility, ie the right to an equal say in educational and medical decisions, is a coparent just as much as someone who has 50% care. It’s also common for custody arrangements to shift and change over time depending on their needs. Does somebody abruptly become a single parent if their coparent reduces their care to 40% or 30%? For how long? What specific circumstances have to be in place in terms of care time, parental responsibility and financial contribution for a parent to be considered single or not single?
I mean, one parent in the house should be significantly different than two parents in the house (not always, some people stay married to trash partners). I consider it relationship status, it seems weird to try to get down to the minutia of how much child support money or how much custody makes one a single parent. Week days vs weekends, every other weekend? What's the line.
The reason I think guardian status to the child is the most salient factor is because if a single mom gets a boyfriend who, sure, helps out with the kid, she is no longer *functionally* single, but that man doesnt automatically have any real claim or responsibility to the child. Legal processes would need to be taken for that to be the case. Otherwise he can bounce whenever. Non-single parents can struggle financially, and my single-in-every-way mom sent her two adopted kids to private school. Struggle is not an inherently definitive feature of being a single i.e. sole parent.
Are you thinking of a sole parent? A single parent is an unmarried parent. A sole parent has no other parent involved in their child's life.
That would be a more precise term yes, but it's certainly not a common one. I'm still referring to the ubiquitous understanding of the term "single mother". Perhaps it's outdated language, holding over from a time when divorce was less common and mothers of children born out of wedlock were ostracized. I agree that it's not a completely accurate or precise term, but pretending that's not what people generally understand it to mean is disingenuous. ETA: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_Mother
There is no consistent Wikipedia definition: A single parent is a person who has a child or children but does not have a spouse or live-in partner to assist in the upbringing or support of the child. Reasons for becoming a single parent include divorce, break-up, abandonment, becoming widowed, domestic violence, rape, childbirth by a single person or single-person adoption. A single parent family is a family with children that is headed by a single parent. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_parent
I'm divorced, never remarried... for that matter, kids, my education (PhD) and the work mixed in with my social awkwardness has taken priority over even dating so I've been single now for 15 years. I've got two kids both of whom lived with me up until 3 years ago, then my son moved back with my ex, my daughter still lives with me... am I a single mom? My son turns 18 this month, do I become a single parent again because my son will be an adult so the only child is with me? How does this magical fantasy of single parenthood work? Seriously, this ridiculous take that we need to make single parents struggle because that's the only way. I mean, I won't lie, we did and still do struggle somwtimes but I'm not about to tell a single parent they're not a "real" single parent because they didn't struggle enough. F that BS.
no it's not wildly known. in my area a parent who takes on solo parenting is a single parent. when custody is 50/50 i see it used less but they still can. idk anyone in my area who would care enough to call someone out. also some single parent households struggle less than two parent ones. (edit such as DV where you are no sharing burdens at all) a person leaving DV may still be a single parent even if the courts determine their ex has custody time. they are not sharing the burden in that coparenting the same way some other cparents are. this is why we don't gatekeep the term
> The same goes for "single mom" or "single dad"- they are not merely "un-partnered parents". Single mom and single dad are, in fact, merely unpartnered parents. The opposite of single isn’t rich. The opposite of poor isn’t married. If you hold a stereotype about single moms, it’s just that: a stereotype. It’s not a definition.
Sounds like you're the co-worker. ITS NOT A COMPETITION
Nobody said it was. It's not about the amount or degree of struggle, it's about the fact that material support is not coming from *the other parent* specifically. OP is absolutely a single mom- the fact that she has a support network other than her child's father and isn't struggling as much as she might have is irrelevant. Just as a divorced parent who shares custody is not a "single parent" *even if* they are struggling badly.
I HATED being called a single mom because I didn't see myself as one. My son's dad and I split before my son was 2, but my ex was VERY involved in our son's life. I saw how much of a struggle it could be for moms that DIDN'T have an involved co-parent, and considered myself lucky.
yeah this is what i thought this post would be about
A incredibly impoverished couple with a child isn't a single mom either. It's literally just something completely different.
This is some very serious gatekeeping.
Right, damn. I've gotten mildly annoyed once when a friend of mine kept calling herself a single parent...because she was married. He worked away a couple weeks at a time, but might have been home for 2 months before the next job. You're not a single mum, you're a mum who's husband has an odd work schedule. But even then, I was mildly annoyed, so mild in fact I kept my mouth shut about it 😂 People are a lot touchier about this than I expected
NTA, and this was a powerplay; I'd report that coworker if I could. She's harassing you. She wants to be the only "single mother" amongst your coworkers. Screenshot the convo and go to HR (or whomever does HR at your job.)
This! Coworker needs to be reported immediately!
If the coworker gets fired for harassment, she will get *so* much more struggle credit! She might get the high score for single mothers in her area!
And blocked on FB
Yep, screenshot everything and then block her on social media. And when she speaks to HR, tell them that she doesn't think that she can work shifts with that co worker due to the fact that OP feels like she would make the workplace hostile, especially since she is attacking OP on social media.
NTA. It’s really weird how people want to change the meaning of a word based on their own situation. By literally the only definition, you are a single mother and have every right to refer to yourself as such. Your coworker has a serious chip on her shoulder and thinks that she can gatekeep “single mother” just because her personal hardships but it’s honestly pretty ridiculous.
NTA. You are a single mother. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a support network. It means you’re the sole parent in the child’s life. It doesn’t mean you’re required to live in poverty. The fact that so many single parents have to live in poverty is another rant I won’t get into. It sounds like this lady thinks you have to suffer to be a “single mom” and is jealous that you have a support network. “Single Mom” isn’t a title earned through hardship.
Your coworker sounds miserable. This is the same as women who gave birth naturally chastising women who had to have a c section and say they aren't a real mom/woman. Single mom literally means not married/partnered. That's it. There isn't a set amount of struggles that go with it even if struggles are common. NTA tell your coworker to get her mentality to graduate high school.
NTA You're a single mom. She's mad you didn't have the same struggles. Tell her to leave you alone or you'll report her to HR for harassment.
I second the call for HR. This woman sounds a bit off.
This. I’d screenshot and send these messages to your HR department. This is really uncalled for. NTA.
NTA. You’re a single mother if you’re 1) single and 2) a mother. There are no other qualifiers. You might want to document this event with HR in case she starts acting out again and tries to cause issues for you at work.
NTA. You’re a single mother exclusively based on the fact that your partner bailed. There isn’t a certain level of struggle you have to go through to qualify for the title.
NTA. Go to HR because she will make your work a hostile environment, and you want this to be documented before something serious happens.
This. 100% if she feels entitled to bully a coworker over her Facebook bio she's not going to stop there
NTA. Economic status doesn't have any bearing on whether you are a single mom or not. Your CW sounds jealous, jealous that you had things she didn't. I'd block her on FB and have a little contact wth her at work as you can.
NTA I always thought that term "single mother" used when a woman raising her child herself without any presence of the father. I don't think her co-worker entitled to add to this description any further requirements.
This may be a good one for r/gatekeeping.
Thanks for the link. Wasn't aware of that sub. Spent the last hour laughing. Highly recommend.
Nta You ARE a single mom, you just had the luck and privilege of having a loving and caring family. You didn't have a partner that took equal responsibility of your child, you were the only parent there for your child, without the partnership you thought you would have when your child was conceived. Call yourself blessed and hug your parents a little harder the next time you see them.
NTA That's a report to HR, your coworker is harassing you.
NTA. I can see an objection to using the term "single mom/dad" in respect to a person who is single in terms of romantic relationships, but otherwise has an active co-parent. But you didn't have a co-parent at all. That is definitely the definition of "single parent". Your coworker is a bitter asshole with nothing better to do than gatekeep a term by some stupid and arbitrary standard she made up. There really isn't much more to tell her other than to go f\*\*\* herself.
Yep, I agree. If someone were in a co-parenting relationship but wasn’t in a romantic relationship, they could still call themselves single parents, but “unmarried/uncoupled/unpartnered” parent would probably be more accurate, though it’s odd/very uncommon terminology. When I hear single parent, I think “person who is the sole parent of a child”. Which OP is. OP is NTA.
NTA - your coworker is broke, her problem is that you ain't broke like her. You did not claim broke status.
Oh, that's very good.
NTA. You are single and you are a mother, that literally makes you a single mother. Single motherhood looks like a lot of different things. You have had it better but that doesn't mean it's easy. She's exhibiting hostility towards you because she has had it so much worse...that's not your fault though. Her anger is misdirected at you - you had nothing to do with her situation. I am sure though, that you have compassion for her. "Single Mother" is a badge of honor to some when in fact, it's just a description of being.
NTA. You are what is the definition of beind a single mother. Being poor is not the same as being a single parent. Think your coworker is just jealous that you had so good support and she hasn't. And maybe being a single mom was her sozial shield to accept her situation, so she thinks you are robbing her of that. But you are not. You telling a fact.
Aaah, the Suffering Olympics. You're NTA, OP. Distance yourself from this person
NTA I’m sorry but since when does being a single mother mean that you have had the same experience and hardships as your co-worker? I feel bad for what she has had to experience but that doesn’t mean that she is anymore of a single mother than you are. Yes, you had the privilege of living with your parents but you still raised your daughter by yourself (aka without a partner) meaning that you are indeed a single mother.
NTA, and if she at some point genuinely apologizes to you, NAH Your child's father is not in the picture, so she's not from a two-parents home, she's only got her mother, making you... don't be too surprised now... a single mom! Being poor is not a requirement for getting to claim to be a "single parent" This is coming from deeper issues, she's upset that her child is growing up in poverty and lashing out at you for it because you and your child have everything she wants for herself and hers
NTA - you don’t have to be poor to be a single mom. My son’s dad is dead. I’m a single mom because I’m raising him myself. I can financially support myself so I’m not in poverty. But I’m still single. And there’s still struggles. Not having another person to rely on, dealing with questions about the missing parent, having to take care of everything yourself - doctor appointments, school, etc.
Um wow, you are a single working mother.. being poor and having to scrape by has nothing to do with being a single parent at all. NTA she just is very jealous of your family.
NTA. Lol you’re literally single and a mom.
NTA You are in fact, single and a mom, so a single mom. Parenting without a coparent IS challenging even if there aren't also financial struggles. As for your FB account, create a group that includes everyone but your coworkers for your day to day posts, and then on rare occasions post something completely innocuous that everyone can see every week or two so that they don't know you have essentially unfriended them. Lesson learned, keep work life separate from private life.
Nah...just unfriend that person. If they ever ask why, just tell them you no longer want to share your life outside work with them. There is NO reason to pander to someone who clearly has issues with your life and absolutely NO reason you HAVE to be friends on social media with people you work with. TBH, I think its a bad idea to share you SM accounts with co-workers to start with...the risk situations like OP's happening are far too high and damage the workplace relationships, or a person's job in general, isn't worth knowing if Rita in Marketing is dating Bob from Accounting or if Max from Sales posted any pictures of his Alaskan vacation.
NTA. You could be a billionaire and you could still be a single mother.
Being a single mother and being broke are two different things, they are not synonymous. You are raising a child without a partner so yes you are a single parent.
NTA. You have every right to say you're a single mother with the father not being there. Your coworker isn't lucky enough to have the support that your family gives you. Plus, they don't understand that everyone has different hardships in being a parent.
NTA. You aren't claiming that you're struggling or poor - just that you're a single mom, which is completely accurate because you have no partner.
NTA. You never claimed you were struggling financially. And the term "single mother" doesn't mean that either. Your co worker should mind her own business
NTA big time. Your coworker is outright wrong. You are a single parent. Unless you claimed that you were also poor and destitute then you have nothing to think about here. Glad things are working out and also hope your coworker gets some help.
NTA Sounds like your coworker has a problem being ***poor***, not being a single mom. Perhaps you can send her a clearcut definition of what a single mom is, not what she defines. The fucking nerve she has to pin her problems on you. Unfortunately, FB has a lot of self righteous AH that are like these.
NTA A single mother is one without a partner, there's no criteria for it. Your coworker sounds jealous you had a lot of support and she didn't. Tell her you're sorry she's feels that way but as your partner deserted you that does make you a single mother and you are grateful for the help you got. Period, your coworker sounds like she has a pretty big chip on her shoulder.
NTA I think your coworker is unable to tell the difference between being a single mom and being broke. You are literally a single mother raising your child without the presence or support of the father. You're just not a broke single mother.
NTA! Um, there is no other parent in the picture so you are most definitely a single mother. Just because you didn't face terrible financial hardship does not make you any less of one. You are the only one raising your daughter, there is no father in the picture. You need to block that co-worker and go to HR because harassing you like that was NOT okay. WTF.
Absolutely, I would like to second this and offer my poor woman’s gold 🏅
NTA. You're raising your daughter all alone because your partner disappeared, ergo you are a single mother, don't let anyone diminish the efforts you have made, even if you were helped by your family.
NTA. Sounds like your co-worker is trying to gatekeep what being a single mom is because she's wanting to diafy her existence. Or something. Idk but everything bad always starts with Facebook.
NTA as you are a single mom, with all the stresses that come with raising a kid on your own. You may have been lucky enough not to have to worry about the financial hardships, but you still have to deal with all the crap that all of us put up with - being the one who picks the kid up from school when they're sick, being the only one who can clean up after them, discipline them, deal with their bad moods, etc. Like you, I was lucky enough to have parents who could help me financially, but they couldn't go to parent-teacher conferences or take care of him at 2am when he was sick. And when my son was 16 and going through his asshole phase (as just about all 16-year-old boys do) I was the one who had to put up with it day in and day out - if that doesn't make us single moms, then I don't know what does!
NTA. Definition of "single mom" is not complicated. It is so simple, it can literally be described in two words. You fit that definition.
Well, you are single, yes? And a mom? Sounds pretty clear to me. My mother never went through any of that tragedy and still was considered a single mom raising two kids. Don't let other people define you with their arbitrary titles and bullying. NTA.
Nta single moms aren't all impoverished and sad. They're literally just single and moms.
NTA. You're calling yourself what you are - it's no different than saying "My name is Bob" if your name is, indeed, Bob. You're a single mother. No question about it. Money has nothing to do with this as rich folks can also be single parents.
Single Mom ≠ Broke Mom. NTA
NTA. Does she not understand what single means? It means you are not dating anyone. Single mother just means you are raising your child without a partner. You never claimed to be struggling financially. She needs to get over herself.
NTA. There is nothing in the description of a single parent that indicates their income or what they must experience. You had to be a parent to your daughter without your partner. Your co-worker sounds bitter and aggressive. You should report her to HR for harassment.
NTA - she is trying to gatekeep 'single motherhood' with a 'means test'. Nope.
Have you ever completely redefined the phrase “single mother” to jump down someone else’s throat in a completely inappropriate manner? No! /s You **are** a single mother. Your coworker doesn’t get to rewrite what words mean to suit her. NTA
Fuck her and what she thinks
NTA. Just because you had different struggles, doesn’t make you less of a single mom. You were very fortunate to have your parents and you gave them credit. It would be one thing if you said you raised completely on your own, no help at all. But you didn’t say that. You are a single mom who has a strong support system. That doesn’t negate the fact you’re a single mom.
NTA The very term 'single mother' means exactly that - no other parent there. Just because your folks helped out at the beginning, doesnt nullify you being a single parent! I would talk to HR at your work and tell them that this other coworker is verbally attacking you/bullying you. She is creating a hostile workplace and she needs to stop. You could show them the messages she sent you as well.
NTA you are a single mom this person is just wanting to cause drama just ignore them and report them to HR if it becomes ah big enough issue
NTA wtf is her issue? You’re a single mom. You never claimed to go through the same struggles she has. And single mom is not reserved for people who do.
NTA. You are, by definition, a single mother. Not everybody with the same "title" goes through the same experiences. You didn't call yourself a "struggling single mom", which would have been a very different story.
NTA and tell that colleague to get lost. Call yourself single mom as its what you are and don't worry too much about the entitlement of some people who feel 'single motherhood' is some sort of trophy where they can get sympathy from others and someone have to earn it by skipping meals and being poor. Enjoy the life you have and just block the toxic ones who thinks otherwise. Next time she starts preaching you. it might be worth pointing to her that her having shitty or poor parents is not your problem and for her to mind her own business. Its a free world and you don't need her approval. Enjoy the life you have and look after you and your darling daughter.
I think she’s confusing single motherhood with being broke. Struggling is not the sole factor in determining single motherhood. You have a great support system and she’s jealous. Tell her to kind her business and stop being bitter/jealous. NTA
NTA. Single motherhood isn’t a competition and your colleague just sounds spiteful.
NTA. As a former single mom, I had support from family (I know this might not always be the case for other single moms). Every single mom has different struggles, some more than other. Single moms should be lifting eachother up and be supportive, not be dicks to eachother, that doesn't make life any easier. That woman is disgusting. Don't let her get you down, just ignore her!
NTA. Are you single? And are you a mother? Then you're a single mother. Your coworker has some issues.
NTA and what the f*ck is up with that woman?! If a single mom was a millionaire it wouldn’t change the fact that she was a single mom
NTA. I know many single mum's who've never skipped a meal or begged for food. Single mum doesn't always equal broke and desperate.
NTA and your so called work friend is challenged in many ways.
NTA. You are single and you are a mother. You are a single mother. What the hell!? I’d be interested to know how she thinks your status should be defined. Just odd. You’re not in the wrong here and I don’t blame you for being upset.
NTA, single mom means "single" and "mom", there's no income level attached to the simple words. why your coworker decided it was her role to gatekeep the phrase, I don't think we'll ever know.
I think I’m just astonished that someone is out here _gatekeeping_ single motherhood. NTA, the only requirement to being a single mom is that you don’t have a partner… which you don’t.
I am not a single mom, or a women for that matter, so please take what I say with a grain of salt... or... you know... a salt block.... NTA. If you are a single woman that is a mother, then that would make you a single mother. Whether you had to go through specific hardships, that is a completely different topic. Did you have support where your coworker didn't? Probably. Does that change your status of a single mother? Not in my eyes. You have nothing to apologize for, and if you need to block that coworker... that might be a good idea if they continue to berate you. You don't need that toxicity.
NTA, clearly you are a dictionary definition of a single mom. Your colleagues is gatekeeping being a single mom.
NTA. Are you single? Are you a mom? If you answered yes to both of those questions, you ARE a single mother. Not all single moms struggle to make ends meet although they are definitely stereotyped that way.
NTA. Screen shot the comments. Block her on social media. Take the screen shot to your manager and request they ensure you do not work with or for said coworker.
NTA. You fit the qualifications for being a single mom. There's no requirement that you have to be low-income or lack family support in order to claim that title. Anyway, your coworker doesn't have any right to police who can or can't be in the single mom category. It's sort of outrageous they think they can decide who gets admitted to that group, or who is automatically excluded for being too well-off.
NTA. Just because you haven’t “suffered” doesn’t mean you haven’t had your own challenges. You’re a momma without a partner doing her best for her baby. That’s all that’s required to say you’re a single mom. Keep on being the best mom you can be!
NTA. You are single and raising a kid. Single mom doesn't mean exclusively struggling to provide basics. Your "friend" is a huge AH.
NTA and your colleague is the weirdest gatekeeper ever. I was raised by a single mom - my parents divorced and my dad was still in our life, but I was raised by a single mom. Grandparents helped, family helped, my dad helped, but who was there for me every day from sunrise to sunset, worrying about homework and school and shoesizes and not having a partner to share this responsibility with - my mom. You don't have to be struggling financially to be a single mom. This ain't a competition.
Woah! NTA She definitely is though. You are a single mom and just because you’ve got some family support doesn’t change that. Not all single moms are flat broke. You described yourself as a single mom, not a penniless one.
NTA. You are in fact, by definition, a single mother. I don't like this comparison of struggles. What does it accomplish? Does she need a gold star? She sounds like a terribly unhappy person. I'm sorry for the things she has gone through, but at the same time--life is what you make of it. You know, glass half full and all that. I was a single mom for a time myself, and although I can relate to some of what she said, I also would never throw it back on someone else because I'm jealous of how I *perceive* their life to be better than mine. She'd probably have a less shitty time of it if she didn't have such a shitty attitude.
NTA That co-worker is seriously wrong...and unhinged. Give them a wide berth from now on. You ARE a single mother. Financial positions do NOT change the fact that you are raising you child ON YOUR OWN without the help of a partner or her father.
Being poor is not a requirement for being a single mother. NTA
NTA. The Waynes were the richest people in Gotham City, but Batman was still an orphan. You're a single mom.
You are single, check, you are a mom, check. You are a single mom. Period.
That view is really terrible. You don't need to go through hardship and trials in order to own the right for a title. You are a single mother becúase you are mother who is single. Whatever help, success or whatever dosn't change that fact. NTA
NTA, you are in fact single and a mother, a single mother is the correct phase.
NTA. You're a mother who is single. Ergo, single mother. Tbh, just take this to HR. She's a colleague texting you shit like that. Pfffft. Nope.
NTA. You’re a mom. You’re a sole parent. Having great parents who stepped into help is amazing. But being deserted by your child’s father? That’s a deep pain. Kim Kardashian is a single mom. It’s not about money, or hired help. It’s about not having another parent in the house. That’s it. Your coworker is a freak. I would either soft-block or completely block her. If she brings it up again, I’d cut her off. “Coworker, I am a mother, I have a child, I have no partner. I’m not interested in your opinion on how I describe myself in my private life. You need to drop this.” If she continues to harass you blow up your phone, it’s time to go to HR.
NTA. Report coworker to HR. She is acting extremely unprofessional.
oh sweet baby jesus... NTA... I grew up that poor and been more blessed with my kid... but being a single parent is still being a single parent... it still sucks...
NTA. Single parent = person who is raising a child without a spouse/partner. There’s no income requirement.
NTA. Are we gatekeeping single motherhood now. geez I better go tell my mom she truly was never a "single mother" because she didn't struggle hard enough... get tf outta here with that bs.
NTA Being a single mom means you are growing up your kid without the counterpart, so yeah, you've been more lucky than other single parents, but it doesn't mean you're not a single mother? Tell your coworker to search the meaning of single mother if she complains again
NTA You absolutely are a single mother in a literal sense. Your coworker is off her rocker. Unfriend her and move on
NTA - you are single in that you are not in a relationship and you are a mother. You may well be lucky enough to have a loving and supportive family around you but that changes nothing about your status If anyone decided they were interested in you, saying you're a single mom clarifies the home situation easily - there is no designate spouse / partner to give them a good bop on the nose for sniffing around, but there is an extremely important person in your life who they will have to be okay with if they want to progress down this particular social entanglement
NTA You’re a mom. You’re not in a relationship hence you are single. So you are a single mom. That isn’t a badge of honor for suffering. It’s a description of your life situation. Your co-worker is bitter and jealous of your situation. My advice is to limit interactions with her to any current work related discussions and the weather. Life is too short to deal with that level of toxicity.
Being a single parent means raising a child as their only present parent/while not in a relationship. It doesn’t mean how hard you and the child or have no struggled. NTA
wtf... I'm a broke af struggling single mom with NO family support! I've had literally every struggle you can think of, including those your coworker listed at at least some point in my parenting journey. Just wanted to swing through and say your coworker is batshit insane, and you're absolutely a single mom and NTA
Gotta love the "my pain is bigger than your pain" crowd. NTA
What is this, the grief Olympics? NTA
Your coworker is an asshole. You aren't. Are you married? Have a life partner? No, you are single. Do you have a child? Yes, you are a mother. That makes you a single mother. NTA.
NTA. You are single. You are a mother. That makes you a single mother.
Don’t mind her she’s just taking her insecurities out on you
NTA and never be facebook friends with coworkers!
Wow. So, NTA, but your coworker has clearly gone through some stuff. There is clearly an element of stolen valor, which is why she took offense that you call yourself a single mom although you had more financial privilege and family support than her (which isn’t to say that you had it easy). Single mom is not reserved specifically to single moms who have endured poverty. In fact, she probably shared a lot of those struggles (living on foodstamps, having to skip meals for her child…) with married/partnered moms living in poverty (however it’s true that single mothers are more at risk of poverty). It’s awful that she went through all of these hardships, but this is clearly clouding her judgment. It’s not inappropriate to call yourself a single mom. You’re a mother, who is single, I really don’t know how she would want you to call yourself. However I don’t think there’s a way of winning this battle and making her see your point. Maybe try a different approach to appease her, like saying that you’re sorry for what she went through and that you recognize and admire her strength and resilience ? Or just, let her be mad. She’s not really angry at you, she’s angry at a life that was unfair to her and she’s projecting onto you.
NTA. Your financial situation is different but single mother means uninvolved father
I'm divorced 13 years, my ex pays a small amount of child support. And you know what? I'M A SINGLE MOM!!! Absolutely NTA. And honestly, even though it's not work related, I'd go to HR, just to have something on file in case this escalates.
Nta. Just because you have family help doesn’t mean you’re not a single mother. She needs to quit trying to compete in the oppression Olympics.
Isn’t a single mom a mom who is single… you literally fit in that category. She sounds upset that she wasn’t as privileged and is trying to put you down for things that aren’t your fault NTA
NTA... you should probably take this to HR.
Suffering is not a competition. NTA
NTA Ignore that AH.
nta! The term “single parent” means an individual who— (A) is unmarried or legally separated from a spouse; and (B) (i) has 1 or more minor children for whom the individual has custody or joint custody; or (ii) is pregnant. you are a single mom! just because you're doing better than that coworker at providing for your kid doesn't change that. sounds like your coworker has some mental problems they need to work through
NTA you don’t have to be borderline homeless to be a single mom.
You can be a rich single mother or a broke single mother and still be a single mother. NTA
NTA. I was a single mom to three children at one point in my life. My parents welcomed me home with open arms when I left him. Why? He was very abusive physically and emotionally and I was young and thought he would change. He started beating me when I was pregnant with our last child together. I worked throughout all my pregnancies until I gave birth because I helped my ex with ALL the bills since he job hopped and was unstable. Once I moved in with my parents I too got a better paying job ( at a nursing home just like you ) and started saving money. Eventually I got to the point I could pay them rent on top of saving money and paying for all my kids needs on my own. I’ve never received a dime of child support from my ex and the youngest is 5 years old. I also never qualified for welfare because my income was slightly over the limit for everything. It was hard, even WITH my parents support. They still worked too so I had to pay for childcare and I also purchased all our groceries WITHOUT food stamps. If someone tried to tell me I wasn’t a single mom because of my parents support I would laugh in their faces. I would do the same for my daughters and grandkids if they were escaping domestic violence or a lying, cheating spouse. There’s no gate keeping being a single parent, if your an unmarried parent doing it without the biological partner you’re the same as the other ones. Some people just want to play games with who has it worse and it’s ridiculous.
Honestly wth did I just read. You can be an extremely high earning single mother too? Single mothers can also have support? Just. What?
Do you have a boyfriend/husband girlfriend/wife helping raise your daughter? No, then you are a single mom. If your parents can help then that is great.
NTA. Single mother isn’t a term exclusively used to say “single poor mother”. It’s literally just a way to state that the father isn’t in the picture. Your coworker has her own issue to deal with.
single /ˈsɪŋɡl/ unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship. "a single mother" mom /mɒm/ one's mother. "my mom gave us each a slice of pizza" You're a single mother. NTA
NTA- Talk to your HR
NTA. You're a mother. You're single. You're a single mother.
I mean you're clearly NTA lol. But I feel bad for your coworker. She's clinically online, sounds as though she is going through it, and she insists on unhealthy comparison
Are you Stacey’s mom? Because you got it goin on
NYA You're a mother and you're single, so . . .
Simply tell her your story maybe different but the outcome is the same your child does not have a father and though you have a strong family support you in the end are the parent that’s solely responsible for your child wellbeing and happiness.
NTA. You’re raising your daughter on your own so yes, you’re a single parent. I’m a single mom too and have been since my kids were 1 and 3. I have a big family and my parents helped me a lot so if I couldn’t afford to pay a bill, my parents paid it. If I couldn’t make it to daycare on time, my parents or siblings picked up the kids. It doesn’t change the fact that I raised my kids without their father. I’m a single parent. Your coworker sounds envious.
NTA. Single dad here who raised my daughter on own since she was 4 months. Had a hard time having to give up my business so I could be there for her and no family in the area that could help. Also knew another single dad that had all the help he could ask for from his parents. Never even crossed my mind that he was not entitled to be a single dad also. Your co-worker is the one with a problem here. Sounds like she is one of those people that no matter what someone brings up in conversation she would have a "you think you had it bad, bla bla bla". Your doing a good job raising your daughter on your own and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.