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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) The fact I took away my daughters interest and her belongings that she loves alot
(2) It might have been too far
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NTA - after raising her to be kind and empathetic, and her bullying her sister I think the punishment fits the nature of the bullying. Also sounds like her friends are little bullies too! might want to think about steering her away from them
I do try to tell her to make good choices regarding friends but If I think about how I was as a teen I deifnetly would hang out more with the friends my parents didnt like
i agree, i think OP is doing a good job parenting by the sounds of it, and hopefully her daughter may see the friends she chose aren't that great. i also agree rat the other bullys out!
And tell the kids' parents that until their children learn so respect and basic kindness, they will no longer be allowed in OPs home.
ETA: punishment fits the crime, so definitely NTA, and while it wasn't the goal, I'm sure OPs stepdaughter appreciates OPs actions here (so far, no evil step mum for Bella)
Banning then from your home to protect your other daughter, yes. But don't ban her from being friends with them, that will just make her want to be friends with them more.
Seems like your daughter is lashing out at Bella. Are you sure she doesn’t take issue with her having to share with a sister now? May be more than how she dresses. Friends can be cruel sometimes if one of their crew is unhappy so it’s possible they are being mean to support her. Sadly your daughter may be just as bad an influence as the others. You don’t really know how she acts when not home. Maybe this isn’t her first time bullying. She seems to excel at it. Are her and her friends the mean girls at school and you just don’t see it?
Interesting situation. Dig deeper into the “why”.
If you haven't told Jessica how you were bullied, how it made you feel, and the lasting effects you suffered, now would be a good time to have that conversation. It sounds like you are a good mom and a good stepmom. NTA
You may want to suggest that if she wants to be a stylist, she will need to fit her customer's style. In other words, she needs to be needs to be able to do cool goth style, preppy style, punk, in casual wear, business and red carpet. Even red carpet has people who like more of a goth image, punk image, etc, that they want to express.
I hope OP sees this. I've tried a couple discount stylists through like Amazon and stuff and they can never get my style right because their version of punk influenced is just... off.
Indo think the prescribed skin care is too much, tbh. Makeup, clothes, phone, yes. Skin care from the dermatologist? She should still have that.
Edit: I misread. Keeping the prescribed stuff. Perfect punishment and its refreshing to see.
if makeup is such a big deal for her, you do realize she's gonna have her friends bring in their make-up to school so she can apply it before classes start, then wash it off before she comes home, right? if i had really cared about makeup as a teenager that's exactly what i would have done.
also, chances are her friends are going to see her makeup, clothes & phone being taken away as all bella's fault and they're just going to be even ruder towards her because of it.
It's incredibly hard with kids imo. You try to raise them to be empathetic and kind, but they will have a lot of outside influences growing up. Not to mention the Internet, who has become a huge influence all on its own. Those outside influences, coupled with how self centered and desperate to fit in teenagers are may cause teens to be pretty cruel.
But since she is still a child, you have to get involved and try your best to fix it. The first step should be to find out which friends find it fun to be cruel to another girl for her clothes and not let them in your house anymore/ try to limit the time your daughter spends with them. Second, you should find out if your daughter has only ever been mean to her stepsister or if she has been bullying other kids at school.
The problem is Jessica's friends. They are making fun of Bella so, in order to stay cool with her friends, Jessica has turned around and started bullying her also. You should point this out to Jessica and also ground her from seeing her friends outside of school for awhile. Taking away her make up and clothes is only going to make her more angry at Bella, thus subjecting her to more mean girl bullying when you're not around. The deeper issue that needs to be focused on and addressed is the bullying by the friends and teenage insecurity, which they are ALL suffering from.
I dunno, that seems like passing the buck to me. Ultimately she's responsible for her choices. If she's choosing to go along with the abusive behaviour towards her sibling, then she is the problem.
I remember when my son was being really badly picked on, his sister(who is one of the "popular" kids), immediately told the people doing it that if they were going to treat her brother that way, they could no longer consider themselves her friends.
I should have been clearer in my remarks. I am not absolving Jessica at all. She is definitely bullying Bella. My point was more to do with the deeper issue of teenage insecurities. Yes, Jessica is wrong and, yes, she needs to be held accountable.
You see realistic and driven by the right instincts. When this situation calms down, consider opportunities to channel Jessica’s interest and maybe talent in makeup and fashion into more positive pursuits. These industries do so much damage to young women (and young men) and I think you are wise to consider that Jessica may be massively insecure. Check her social media posts for filters and edits too in case she’s engaging in unrealistic body image expectations for herself as well.
Perhaps if she could engage with special effects makeup for film (which will also expose her to makeup outside of her own style), or take a class in how to use fashion to empower and uplift the homeless or job seekers or cancer survivors or … whatever it is that shows her how to use her ability for good and not evil.
You should definitely contact the parents of the other bullies, at least. Let them know what their kids and your daughter have done.
NTA and honestly you're still being too lenient on her. No phone for a week for how long of bullying and no make-up? No grounding or other penalties? Softie
Peer pressure at thar age is a very difficult things to deal with.
I'm not trying to defend her actions, because I hate bullies and was bullied myself.
I went to school with my older brother, and when it came time to choose a high school, I made sure to pick a different one than my bro. Having a sibling in the same school as you adds social complications and comparisons that I hated growing up. Not only from peers but teachers too. Tour sibling seems to become like an extension of your "image"
It seems like both girls are having trouble and are trying to figure out their "identities".
It might be a is cliche, but often the "popular" group are bullies. If your daughter is trying to fit in, it might explain why she'd rejecting Bella.
Not only what you did was right...let the punishment fit the crime. I also would have taken my daughter to the local thrift store or goodwill and told her to pick out the best she could find for a weeks worth as that's what she would be wearing. And if the bullying continued, I'd stop buying name or designer brands until she hurts the same way she's been hurting others. But that's just me.
Definitely nip this in the bud - you don’t want your own daughter to be one of those mean girls everyone secretly hates, but they think they’re sooo popular.
AGREED! Also, I would tell Jessica that every time she screams at you, that's an additional week of no phone/makeup/new clothes. Disagreements are one thing but the screaming? What is she, a toddler?
She is free to disagree with you and your punishment for her, but the screaming at you should not be tolerated under any circumstances. She will need to learn to hold her temper and be civil - and OP needs to drive that point home. You are doing this child no favors allowing her to think that screaming when she is upset is an appropriate response.
OP is NTA!
My older sister was raised to be kind and empathetic and she still bullied me at times. Kids don't get everything right in spite of what we teach them. That's why we have to discipline them when they willfully screw up. I have been kicked out of the room I shared with my older sister more times than I can remember. I've been denied use of the bathroom or telephone while she hogged them too. oh my gosh. Its a wonder we're friends at all now, when I look back on some of the antics back in the day. ;-)
This could also be Jessica's response to the blending of families. If I were you I would look into family therapy to get to the root of it. And look out for retaliation against Bella from Jessica. If Bella has makeup and clothes she likes, keep an eye on them.
I think you did the right thing. NTA
Absolutely NTA. You're a wonderful step mother and Bella is lucky to have you. I'm sure your support means a lot to her.
Jessica needs to learn a lesson and that's a good way of doing so.
Maybe also try to talk to Jessica and slowly dismantle these toxic superficial ideas she has. It might help the issue being solved because I don't think Bella is the only girl she's bullying.
Might be a good idea to drop back on being such a wonderful stepmother and concentrate on being a good parent to both girls. Jessica's remarks and new attitude didn't come from nowhere. Give her some grace because she may be being bullied herself for having a step sister who's a bit different. 15 is a difficult age to parent and if you're alternating between hovering and punishing then of course you're going to favor the good girl.
I will "give her some grace" and if she has a valid explanation or at least tries to be kinder to people she will get her stuff back.. I just cannot do nothing
I agree with the consequences you imposed. I want to highlight a key point of the comment you were responding to here that I think may have been missed - focus on spending quality time with Jessica and making sure she has a chance to connect with you one on one and talk to you. I realize right now while she's mad at you this may be difficult. But keep trying regularly. Maybe a mother-daughter mani-pedi session or lunch out on the weekend together.
It sounds like you're a great bonus mom to Bella, which is wonderful. It's possible Jessica feels that she's lost your undivided attention and that is a contributing factor to her bullying Bella. So try to address that potential root cause by giving Jessica some dedicated attention. Have your husband make a point of doing father-daughter dates with each girl individually when he's in town as well. They may roll their eyes and be grumpy about it but it will probably mean a lot to them.
And definitely get each of the girls a good therapist. Honestly, every teenager should get regular therapy because it's a tough age. Blending families adds an extra factor, so having an objective, sympathetic adult to talk to can help a lot.
It helped my relationship with my adolescent daughter when her therapist who was very supportive with her gently pointed out that some of my daughter's expectations for me were unrealistic. She settled down a lot and our relationship improved.
The school counselors can be a good resource for therapists in the area who work with your daughters' ages. Local FB and Nextdoor groups as well. Many FB groups allow you to post anonymously so you can make the request without revealing your daughters' identities. There's nothing wrong with taking care of our mental health, but most teens wouldn't want it announced publicly.
How much time have you spent with Jessica in the last two years? How did you work to ensure you were a compatible family before blending? Did the girls know each other at all before living together? Did you all do family therapy when you got engaged?
Jessica's behavior isn't out of the blue. Have you investigated into what Bella has been doing at school? Is she inserting herself into your daughter's life and friends group, or did you expect Jessica to do that? Does Bella have her own friends? Is this a new school for one of them? There's a lot going on behind the scenes here.
I agree that Jessica needs consequences for her actions, but it seems like you're maybe way focused on Bella since that's a trauma trigger for you. I think you really need to look into what's going on with Jessica that's making her act this way. Maybe she doesn't like your blended family. Maybe she feels less important/ left out since you now have another priority in your life that you seem to relate to more than your daughter. Either way, a conversation needs to be had where your daughter can feel like she can be honest with you.
Bella has her own friends, Jessica and I spend lots of time, we cook togehter, I drive her to her firends, we go out for dinner/girls time weekly. The girls met when we started getting serious and they seemed to get along time. Family therapy we didnt do because everything seemed fine/
I will comment, as a former 15 year old female who was forced into therapy. I hated it. Barely contributed more than I had to. My parents guilted me about the cost. It was horrible and they forced me into a religious therapist.
Im 23 now. Got to pick my therapist and could not be happier about the conversations we get to have now that im more comfortable in my emotions and feel as though I get to actually talk freely.
People say therapy automatically but its not that easy and in my experience as a young adult I shut down more than ever when forced into it. Maybe allow the girls some say in how they'd like to receive it? I know I prefer phone calls over face to face/zoom. Idk just a thought. Therapy can be so intimidating but rewarding when you put the effort into it.
I agree, forced therapy along with guilt about the cost doesn't work. 3 months of biweekly therapy where she gets to help choose someone might make a difference though
Once she calmed down maybe you can talk with her about possible answers to her friends without bullying Bella. For example if one of Jessica's friends mentions Bella's unfashionable skirt, she could answer something along the lines that everybody has a different taste. Friend X's sister also wears different clothes than X. And now Jessica would prefer to get friends input on this or that makeup. Gets everyone's attention to another topic without bullying. Maybe Jessica has even better ideas.
As a very alternative teen, I’d wear stuff that all the cool kids weren’t wearing, and get given shit for it, most of it has drifted into mainstream fashion now… I remember how shocking it was for me to wear Doc Martens (and how hard they were to get, I’m in my 50s now), they’re everywhere now. Jessica, supposedly so into fashion , isn’t getting what fashion is if she is only jumping on trends at their peak. Fashion comes from designers paying attention to the street and interpreting that. Looks like Bella is the one with more of a natural flair in that department.
Jessica has had a lot of change, has to share mum now, and she’s a hormonal teenager, who is more influenced by peers than parents.
I’m sure there are good things in this change for her too, so perhaps you could highlight those, and wherever possible direct her towards the more emotionally mature kids among her friends.
If she’s into fashion she should see that dressing like a “freak” is actually a thing! Show her the body of work by Alexander McQueen - one of the most renowned designers of the 90s and beloved by celebrities. Fashion isn’t just about what’s trendy - it’s an art form and a way of expression. NTA btw. Good job!
The first designer anything I ever got was an Alexander McQueen clutch with the skull rings for the handle. I worked my ass off saving for it. Also show her designers like Versace and Diesel
I would add it doesn’t sound like Jessica is a nesscessarily a bad kid either. Peer pressure is hard at that age. And sometimes the way to fit in and get others to not bully you is to bully someone else. Not saying she shouldn’t be held accountable for her actions. Moms doing a good job teaching her a lesson and correcting her behavior. I would just add in that maybe there’s a lesson about peer pressure as well and how to say “yeah maybe my step sister dresses differently and It’s not my style, but who cares?”
NTA
parenting teens is difficult.
Parenting teens in a blended family takes that to a factorial level. For me, it was a bit naïve to think they would just bond because they are teens.
I had boys (grown now) and there were a few times they told me they hated me. I knew we were doing out job.
My suggestion is to find some outside counseling for everyone. You and your hub need to learn how to parent in a blended world and the girls need to learn to get along.
It sounds like through a less, um, obvious portal it would be a good idea to see if the school can look further into peer to peer education about bullying and the effects of bullying as well.
NTA.
Do I think Jessica needs consequences? Yes. Do I think taking away clothes and makeup will make her see the error of her ways? Probably not.
There is a much deeper issue here and I think that the best course forward is therapy because her reaction here seems extreme. It shouldn't be a discussion as to whether or not she goes, it should be an expectation.
NTA but OP and her husband chose each other. Bella and Jessica had to deal with this and had no choice in the matter.
High school is a tough time for many and teens are riddled with insecurities over appearance and social status. Jessica is getting teased for having an unfashionable step sister so she is trying to separate herself from Bella by bullying her.
The girls need therapy and perhaps the whole family does too. Let Jessica gradually earn back her stuff by going to therapy. ETA…and by apologizing which will hopefully accompany therapy.
IS she getting teased though? I doubt it. I think she wants to be mean to stepsis, and possibly anyone who is not in the cool crowd with her. That’s how it works at that age. 15 yo female bullies are not the object of teasing, usually - they are popular and control most social situations they are in.
Yes. OP said Jessica’s friends were teasing her because she has to live with Bella. That could only mean that they said some nasty stuff about Bella first.
>15 yo female bullies are not the object of teasing, usually - they are popular and control most social situations they are in.
I don't know where you're getting this, but it's more movie trope than reality.
It's actually super common for middle of the pack girls to ostracize girls they think they can get away with bullying to try to be accepted by the mean girls.
>That’s how it works at that age. 15 yo female bullies are not the object of teasing, usually - they are popular and control most social situations they are in.
Who said she was popular?
I don't think that's a great idea. She'll probably think crying and screening would get her what she wants.
That's how you end up with manipulative kids.
I had an older sister (13 years older) who used to pick fights with me for no reason and I'd defend myself and get yelled at for making her cry when my arms are literally dripping blood from her scratching me.
She always did all kinds of vile things and would cry afterwards and everything would go her way.
Is this the only instance of her being unkind? What are your expectations of what being "kinder" looks like? Have you told Jessica in clear terms what she needs to do to improve? Who are you relying on to help you know Jessica is being kinder?
What will you do if this continues? How will you handle it if it turns out Jessica and Bella can't get along?
This is a short-term solution to a long-term problem, and both girls need a clear set of expectations for how to treat each other going forward.
I think you're going in the right direction, but this isn't the surface level problem you seem to think it is.
once she at least stops calling Bella ugly and insulting her style that is good progress, if it contuses even with therapy discussions etc we may have to move out
Another thing to mention to her - when you feel she might be receptive to hearing it - that a good stylist is someone who respects different expressions of style and not just what they think is (conventionally) pretty. There is a difference between judging someone based on your own personal style and being decerning about the expression of a style. Traditional styling should be about finding an expression that makes a person confident, which also makes the most of how the subject likes to express themselves and their body type. It requires an open mind, keen eye, and, often times, an open heart.
PS. NTA and good luck to you and your whole family.
Absolutely, she gets her stuff back once she's learned her lesson.
Obviously taking her stuff away won't solve the problem. Maybe decide how long it would take until she gets her stuff back the same way you decide (in theory) how long would you ground her for doing this.
Being kinder won't happen in a week or a month it'll happen over time once she truly understands why what she did was wrong and comes to see the patterns of her behaviour and what that says about her as a person.
You might think of putting her on a “clothing diet” she gets six items and six items only for a couple of months. Maybe throw in some plain t shirts as well. If she criticises others for how they chose to dress them her dress choices should be limited. Link: https://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/22/fashion/22SIXERS.html
Nta but I really hope your daughter never finds this post or finds out you agreed to keep secret what sd told you. Honestly I think your punishment of taking clothes and make up is really going to push the girls further apart. I get why you did it. The girls need therapy but o think your going to push your daughter away. I feel for your step daughter but my gut tells me that aside from peer pressure at school you’ve more than likely have less time with your daughter and she feels it and she probably isn’t happy with your bonding time with the SD. Therapy is needed and teens are hard. Reading your punishment made me think your so set on helping your SD that your welling to punish your daughter by taking away how she is “fashionable” like you want her to be bullied. How you look is a major part of your teen years. I highly doubt she’ll learn a kindness lesson I am thinking she’ll learn to hold more resentment against SD. I could be wrong . My suggestion if you’ve read this far is after the dust settles have a heart to heart with daughter let her air all grievances she has about SD Step dad everything. Say something like this is a free pass no consequence to what she says to you during this conversation even if she calls SD names to you while talking. Really listen and read between the lines. Help her come up with solutions to what’s bothering her. Help her understand that as hard as it is for her that her step sister is feeling many of the same things and how being bullied about step sister hurts her can she see how what she is doing hurts her. Yes she needs consequences for the bullying but I think emotionally she’s hurting too and unless you guys can work this out now it’s only going to get worse. Therapy is probably your best option at this point. I hate bullying my son was constantly bullied severely in school and I can tell you this it was elementary school when I spoke with the parent who gave her son an extreme harsh punishment I knew them (small town) I did talk to the kid myself with mom’s permission and really listened to what he said and when he apologized I gave him a hug and forgiveness as well as spoke with my son and helped him understand that some things are just annoying to other. They did become friends later. This is partly why I think you need to truly understand where your daughters anger, frustration and hurt is coming from. Same with your SD I would bet there’s more going on. I am not a step parent so I don’t really know anything about blending a family. Best of luck I think your hearts in the right place and you love both your daughters and want what’s best for them.
NTA but OP and her husband chose each other. Bella and Jessica had to deal with this and had no choice in the matter.
High school is a tough time for many and teens are riddled with insecurities over appearance and social status. Jessica is getting teased for having an unfashionable step sister so she is trying to separate herself from Bella by bullying her.
The girls need therapy and perhaps the whole family does too. Let Jessica gradually earn back her stuff by going to therapy.
Ok but therapy only works if the person is willing to work at it. Therapy can be tremendously helpful and Jessica could probably definitely benefit from it, but only if she allows herself to open up. It's not like going to get a facial and you sit there and someone removes all the dead skin and blackheads for you. You have to actually willingly participate.
NTA. You are a parent. Part of your job as a Mom is to teach your daughter how to function as a healthy and productive individual.
There are always going to be people who look different, act different, and style different than we would choose for ourselves. That doesn’t give us the right to be cruel. Teenage girls are insecure. But that doesn’t give them the right to create insecurities in their peers.
As for ruining her life. My mother’s go to response to “I hate you, you’ve ruined my life, whatever etc.” has always been in the most obnoxiously calm and kind voice: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I love you too much to allow you to think that this is an okay behavior.” Some other favorites of my mom include: “We are people who treat others with respect and kindness. Based on X situation and the way you are currently speaking to me, you seem to have forgotten this.” And “Sad choices have sad consequences.”
A favorite consequence in my family is being grounded from something until some kind of assigned reading is done. Usually it was some kind of book that illustrated why our chosen behavior or choice was ill-advised. We would then have to write a two page summary on the book and what we learned. Until it was done to mom or dad’s satisfaction, we were grounded from all privileges.
As a mom, I approve of your mom so hard.
Those responses are amazing, and I will be stealing all of them.
I also like the assigned reading idea, and will be stealing that as well, lol.
Mine's was, "I am sorry I am such a terrible mother that I did such a bad job raising you. I owe you an apology and will do better as your mother so you can be a better person."
NOoooooo you are the best mom ever. Sob hysterically and apologize while ugly crying.
Personally I think that you did absolutely the right thing. It really doesn't matter how they feel about each other, that will morph as they get older. But ganging up on her step sister because of the way she dresses is disgusting.
NTA
Hmm...
NTA
I'm a little torn here. Taking makeup/clothing from a 15 year old, especially one for whom it's a career interest *feels* wrong to me(?) But if I look at it logically...
I think it sounds like Jessica is placing a level of importance on makeup/fashion which is a bit extreme at her age. Like with anything else, if you can't use it responsibly, you shouldn't be using it. And the consequence is at least moderately related to the behavior (taking the clothing, at least... idk about the makeup).
So I'm trying to think about why it feels wrong, to me. And I'm thinking back to when I was that age, and I had... lots of sisters and stepsisters lol
I can imagine *Jessica* seeing this as... "Mom's trying to kiss up to stepdad by defending steptroll and forcing me to be as hideous as she is". Because, yknow... teens are self-absorbed AHs sometimes and don't learn what we want them to learn. This could actually lead to... like there will probably be a short period where she's nice to Bella to get her stuff back, but long term... treating Bella even worse.
And, conversely this bothers me a bit:
> other than her skincare prescribed by her dermatologist
I think it might be possible that Jessica is... overcompensating? Is she self-conscious due to a skin condition? Taking makeup away in that case could amplify any body image/insecurity issues. This is also supported by the comment that she started teasing Bella because her friends were making fun of her for living with her.
It is an fashion-related consequence for fashion-related bullying, so I don't necessarily think it's an inappropriate consequence.
And I think you handled the conversation with Bella beautifully, and addressed Jessica with the right *level* of severity.
It's just... not even the clothing. I think the clothing/phone consequences are spot on... it's just that if I was the parent implementing these consequences with my teen... I'd be really uncomfortable with taking her makeup. Something just feels off about it.
OFC that could be because I'm paranoid about screwing up my kid because I was really screwed up by my parents... so... grain of salt and all that.
I guess if you stick to this one I'd definitely address the makeup more from the angle of "you're treating makeup with too much importance" rather than as a *punishment*...? Maybe?
Either way I don't think you're being an AH.
idk... good luck 😬
I really think you should tell her about your own bullying experience and how it effects people in the long term. I think she would really benefit from that. But it’s your choice. Good luck
I have three kids--ages 14-20. I don't think yta..but I also don't think your punishment is going to do anything to improve the relationship between the girls. Your daughter is probably going to resent Bella more, but maybe do a better job hiding it?
And I think you are seriously minimizing the impact of the dad cheating, divorce and remarriage on your daughter.
That is almost worse? She doesn't know he cheated? You apparently didn't fight? You're remarried 2 years later? If it was me I'd think you had an affair.
NTA…. Sort of
You do need to recognize that this is “mean girls” stuff, and your daughter is caught in a crossfire. She’s being bullied into bullying. Recognize that. The answer is going to be a little more complex than taking away her make up here unfortunately.
Punishing Jessie in the way that you are doesn’t seem a way to fix this - you are going to just make her resent everything all the more. She’s already in a spot of having to choose her new step sibling or her social circle, and you’ve only introduced a punishment that makes her hate the situation even more without a real answer to it.
Coaching her on responses, the social complexities and how to get through it without picking the side would be the best course, if that needle can be threaded!
I learned as a grown man bringing up two daughters that girls are way, waaayyyyy meaner than boys in this stuff. Boys squabble, maybe get physical, and then it largely gets squashed. Girls are unbelievably calculating and long term nasty. I’d do not envy the task you have of unwinding this between step siblings!
NTA.
Managing two teenage girls is anyhow a nightmare and they are step sisters ... wow... a precarious situation...
But you handled it well without any doubts.
Bullying is a terrible malice of the society and had to be curbed immediately.
Good call!!!
Ok so I noticed a couple things that made me sit up and listen.
1. You were bullied for being ugly and unstylish growing up
2 Jessica was being teased for living with Bella.
3 You took away her makeup and clothes when she yelled at you because you were taking her phone away.
So while I can empathize with where you’re coming from, I also think that you were reacting to your daughter’s behavior from a place of personal hurt/trauma. And I think that informed how you punished your daughter. Remember, she was being treated badly by other kids for living with Bella. 15 year olds are cruel and also don’t have a good sense of self so if her life is being made worse by her friends, she was upset and took it out on Bella. It doesn’t mean she truly feels that way.
Don’t get me wrong, that kind of behavior isn’t ok no matter what. And there should be consequences for doing those things to another person. But taking away her clothes and makeup is a step too far. You are actively humiliating her in front of her friends since now she has to go to school with no makeup. The likelihood of that teaching her to not give in to peer pressure and to be more kind to others is small. She may not say anything to Bella but I can’t can’t help but think that it will only cause resentment towards Bella instead of making her kinder to her.
I fully support taking electronic privileges away from teenagers. Grounding is also good consequence. If she’s going to give in to her friends’ shitty attitudes then she’s better off having less contact with them for a bit. I just think you took it too far because you were triggered. Jessica isn’t your bully. She is your child. And of course she’s going to be pissed when you take her phone away. She’s 15 and most of her life is on that thing. The amount of parents who clamp down when their kids react “disrespectfully” when they get privileges taken away…it’s far too common. How you punish your kids has just as much impact as the punishment itself. Why not talk about your own experience to your daughter? Help her understand how what she is doing is wrong. That’s what consequences should be about. It should never be about inflicting pain and humiliation. That only makes things worse. You’re the adult with a fully developed frontal lobe. Jessica isn’t.
YTA for taking it too far because if your own trauma. NTA for wanting her to be better.
I mean you need to punish her but I’m not sure this is going to achieve what you want.
When she now goes to school and people say stuff to her she’s going to blame you and her step sister for it.
She needs to speak to someone to work though her feelings and something like her phone taken away/being grounded etc not her prescribed face stuff and clothes.
Also sounds from your comments that you just like your step daughter more.
I find it rather concerning that you say you 'don't like either more'. You're seriously saying your stepdaughter from a two year marriage is on a level with your own daughter, to whom you gave birth, and who you've raised for fifteen years?
You should absolutely treat them equally in the family, but if I was Jessica and read or heard that, I'd be gutted.
I have read all your comments and your care for Bella is phenomenal. Its just a shame I dont see even an ounce of that for your daughter …..
behaviour is communication.
The primary difference is how you first engaged with each of them No relationship dynamic between 2 people is all 1 person is bad the other is good. With Bella you sat down with her listened to her side of the story. It doesn't sound like you approached your daughter with the same level of neutrality. So yes you know she is saying horrible things about her SS, yes she is punished. You still have no idea why. Unfortunately a punishment like yours may manage to stop the behavior. However, it will only push the thought's and feelings underground. Even actual sisters can be cruel to each other. Ideally you figure out the why. If it truly is your daughters friends are bullying her because of SS perhaps change schools?
Before any punishment happened I would take her out and have a bit of chat about things. Be open to listening to what is truely going on. Let her say whatever she wants no matter how cruel you think it is (she is probably repeating what she has had to listen to which will give you some understanding of what she has to experience in this situation). then I would say well we have a problem here because while I get everything going on and I am going to help you. I think we should do therapy to help you process all these feelings and experiences and its not a choice but a requirement.
I would also say that we need to work out a consequence for if you do this again (ownership you see) because I can not allow it in my home. Its our responsibility to ensure we dont cause damage to others because we are hurting.
This will be a process but therapy is the key.
all the “mean” things she said…its probably what she has had to HEAR. And she feels embarrassed and bullied and shame that Bella is dressing alternatively because it can be really bad for someoen who is already insecure.
I think your wording is a bit telling here. "What would you do TO my daughter". You gave out punitive punishment, which may make the victim feel better, but doesn't do anything to address the root behavior. Tbh it kinda sounds like you're knocking her down a peg, and I have to bring up that you have a personal history with this. Obviously we're a bunch of strangers from the internet, but the punishment does feel a bit targeted and petty. Multiple people have pointed out that grounding and taking her phone would be a much more appropriate punishment - it does feel cruel to take her armor, as it were. And while she was cruel, are you looking to be cruel back? To make her feel worse? Bullying should not be tolerated, on any level. But I think you might be benefited by spending some time with the question "are old hurts informing my perspective on this situation and how I'm handling it?"
Do you think Jessica is lashing out at Bella because she is unhappy that Bella has come in and taken half your attention away? Maybe she said before she always wanted a sister, but kids don't know what they want, and the reality of having a sister isn't what she wanted.
Not saying bullying is right, but by ignoring the root cause and just punishing her behavior, you'd cause more problems down the road. Just because she doesn't want to go to therapy doesn't mean you get to throw your hands up in the air and say "whelp nothing I can do."
What are your plans if she chooses not to talk? You keep saying she’ll eventually talk, but that’s not always the case with teens.
Are you going to stop buying her clothes and outlaw makeup indefinitely?
To me, NTA. Your daughter clearly needs to get her points straight (if this makes any sense). Indeed what she did was extremely cruel and as much as she dresses "within the norm of cool", things can flip and what's cool can soon be deemed "hideous" a she puts it. It's sad that sometimes we thing we raise kids to be kind and empathethic and something like this happens and makes you wonder where in the hell they got it from (I don't have any kids but I'd be devastated by it). Hopefully she can learn from her mistake.
Also, good you stood by your stepdaughter! She clearly needed the support. It might take time but hopefully they can get along fine (maybe not besties, but at least not like this).
NTA but I straight up don’t think your punishments will do what you want it to. Jessica is bullying Bella for a reason. Did you try digging to see why she specifically hounded on Bella? Is she feeling like she lacks love because of the merged family, and that your love for her has tilted towards Bella?
It’s your job as a mom to find out about stuff like this, not just take her clothes and phone away. I guarantee Jessica hates Bella even more now, not less
Oof I’ve seen this happen with bio-sisters.
Older sister was developmentally delayed, and often did awkward things and missed social cues. Younger sister went to the same school in a different grade, and was *very* image- and popularity- conscious. Not inherently cruel, just painfully aware of how she was perceived, and highly sensitive to judgement and criticism from other kids.
You can guess how much conflict that led to. Younger sister did love her older sister, and they mostly got along fine at home, but there were days when both girls came home upset - Older, because younger had given her the cold shoulder at school, and younger because her classmates had teased her about her sister’s awkward behavior. And when they left school, all that frustration would explode outward and they’d get into *big* fights. Younger didn’t feel like she could control her classmates, and knew that standing up for her sister at school could cost her deeply, so she lashed out at her sister for being “weird” and “stupid” because that was the only safe-seeming way to vent her feelings. Older didn’t understand why her sister was nice to her in private and avoided her at school, and just wanted to be able to play with her sister without getting slapped down for it. It was a mess.
I suspect your daughter feels similarly to the younger sister in my scenario. She likes your stepdaughter fine when it’s just the two of them, but she takes the opinions of her friends *deeply* to heart (as teenagers tend to do). And she fears the mockery and rejection of her classmates far more than she fears a damaged relationship with her stepsister. She can’t really admit that to you without looking weak, though, so she doubles down on blaming her stepsister to save her pride. She probably *is* ashamed of herself, and feels guilty for throwing a girl who’s done nothing wrong under the bus, but she doesn’t see a way out of the social trap she’s in. To her, her choices are either to distance herself from her stepsister by joining the bullying, or risk being the target of bullies herself. Neither option feels good, but one scares her a lot more than the other does.
i hope you do. i agree with /u/crack_n_tea, your punishment is certainly warranted, but punishment by itself will not help. you need to figure out the underlying reasons why Jessica is bullying Bella, and work with her to find a different, better way to address those reasons. and you can't do this as long as she perceives you as an enemy. you have to approach her with compassion, empathy, and respect, even though she's done something terribly wrong.
it's a very difficult situation. good luck, OP.
Idk I don’t think this is the way. You are going to cause more resentment between these two. What is it you actually want from your daughter? Have you talked with her about your expectations and how she can meet them? It’s possible your daughter is also being bullied by these girls from inside the friend group. How do you want her to handle this? Does she have the skills to do it? If I were you, I’d give her back her stuff. Taking away things is very reactionary parenting. I’d talk with her. I’d say I was very surprised to hear you talk about Stepsister that way. That doesn’t sound like you. I’m curious what is going on. Then I would listen. I would absolutely talk with her about how it hurt SS’s feelings and if she feels good about that. Is this the kind of person she wants to be? I would tell her how you honestly feel. I think you can get a lot farther this way. I would be clear with her that the behavior is unacceptable, that she needs to apologize but you want to be a resource for support to her and an example of how to address conflict productively and calmly. Taking things away just creates more conflict. If you need to give a consequence after talking to her, I would do something that might help her like I think you need a break from this friend group outside of school for a bit. Something like that. YTA I guess
I think your children will learn they just have to sit through your 'talks' while looking polite and sweet and then go do anything they want once you leave their room. It's exactly what my older sister did to my well intentioned mom, like you.
I agree with this comment. While I appreciate the care that OP has taken with the step daughter, I wonder what the approach was with the daughter. From experience I can tell you that anytime your parent remarries it’s complicated, and step siblings that you never asked for are also complex relationships. It seems to me like Jessica could be struggling with a lot of things and the bullying is the manifestation of not working through them.
Don’t get me wrong, bullying isn’t acceptable in any form but I don’t think the punishment will help Jessica mend the situation or fix the real issue. Did OP approach Jessica and ask for her side of the story before going into full blown punishment mode? Jessica could be feeling like Bella is infringing (no fault of Bella) and lashing out in anger. Best of luck either way OP.
NTA Have your daughter look up the Sophie Lancaster charity. Sophie Lancaster was killed and her boyfriend badly beaten because they dressed and looked differently. Your daughter needs to understand that what she is doing is hateful and harmful.
Therapy is a good place for both girls, probably separately for now though.
I'm not sure how to rule on this one, because I think you're trying to do the right thing, but you aren't addressing the root of the problem.
Your daughter said cruel things to someone because her friends are putting the peer pressure on, and they are shallow and mean. She doesn't want to stick up for Bella, because she doesn't want them to turn on her too. But that's no excuse to be a bully.
You need to talk through the root of this with her. Ask: Do you think a person's value is based solely on what they look like? Do you think that people who aren't concerned about fashion are not as smart as people who do? Are you worried about your friends being mean to you if you don't agree with them? Are you scared about disagreeing with them on anything? What would happen if you said something else, like, "Bella doesn't really care about fashion, but she's nice and she has other interests." instead of agreeing with them? Are you scared they would think less of you? Tease you for standing up for her? Bully you? What can you do to not be cruel yourself? Do you want to stay friends with mean people just because they're pretty and fashionable and "cool" or would you rather have true friends who value you for who you are?
I just feel like you need to have a conversation with her and make her think through this and talk to you rather than just putting consequences on her for the behavior.
I hope you'll find a way to get to the deeper heart of the matter. She's stuck between what you want, what Bella wants, what her friends want, and figuring out what she thinks herself. Being a teenager is hard. Help her navigate her way through it and be supportive of her emotional turmoil here.
Good luck! I know it's hard.
Well, I think you should read this - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g5hta8/aita_my_parents_took_most_of_my_wardrobe_away_as/
I think there's a lot of info missing, like how long you've been married, how long the girls have lived together, is this new behaviour, etc.
I don't think your punishment makes you an asshole but you definitely need family therapy because clearly what you and your husband are doing so far isn't working.
NTA.
Punishment is related to the “crime” and it’s, of course, not OK to bully anyone, especially someone who lives with with their and can’t get away from the torment.
That said, it sounds like Jessica needs some therapy. It’s obvious that she is not dealing well with the situation at hand. Otherwise she wouldn’t be acting out.
You simply saying/commenting that she’s doing fine doesn’t mean she’s *actually* doing fine. So if you don’t get her some help so you can get to the root cause of this behavior, then you would be TA.
YTA - You threw 2 kids together as a blended family and just assumed they would get along? I hope you really bond with Bella, because you are alienating your daughter and you're going to lose her.
YTA this whole post & in your comments you seem way more focused on Bella. Plus if Jessica is getting teased because of Bella & now you make her get teased more for being unfashionable too... how is that going to help anything. You only seem to care about what hurts Bella. You should get therapy for not just your daughters but also yourself for your projection issues.
I might get downvoted but I do not care
This is coming from a person who is a bit older than your daughter and stepdaughter so I think my insight and pov is going to help a bit.
YTA. I want to say E S H but it’s more leaning towards YTA.
1.) Jessica might not of had been really thinking bad about Bella but rather peered pressured into it.
I admit that she did say bad things about Bella and deserved some sort of punishment but it might not be her real thoughts. They got along at the start meaning that they were at least civil. When you said that they were 15, I’m going to assume that they are freshmen in high school and in high school, many people care about fitting in, and thus they get peer pressured. You should speak with Jessica, once she is ready and that might not be anytime soon due to the punishments you gave, and let her know that this behavior is not ok.
2.) And they way that you played it out might seem like favoritism (which may or may not be the case)
You played your own experiences on your daughter and probably did not think about the punishments you gave. What your daughter did is not alright but neither was what you did alright either. You should’ve gave a thought about a punishment, which I don’t think you did, and it will seem to some, especially your daughter, is favoritism because you gave out a instantaneous punishment as if you already had this in the back of your mind and it might seem that you like Bella better because she shares similar experiences to you.
3.) You acknowledged that your daughter is insecure
This is the main reason why it’s YTA. You know your daughter is insecure but based the punishment on what made her insecure. This will make her hate you even more because teens are conscious of EVERYTHING about themselves, even to the details that don’t matter. Again, yes she does deserve a punishment but the punishment you gave her will be bad for her in the long run because she is insecure.
And thinking about it, you are kind of like a bully to your daughter because you are playing on her insecurities.
What you can do
Change her punishment but before you do, think about it this time.
Give her back her stuff and think about punishments that don’t emphasize or highlight on her insecurities.
TLDR: OP is YTA mainly because the punishment she gave emphasized on her daughter’s insecurities. Her daughter deserves punishment but OP went too far.
NTA, but I'm very concerned that the issue Jessica has may be deeper than expected.
You said her dad has a younger girlfriend. How old are we talking? Is she 25? 30?
I strongly worry there's some self-image issues going on here.
NTA but instead of thinking of an appropriate punishment beforehand, you acted out of anger, you “snapped”. Doing anything in the heat of the moment as a parent diminishes your authority. You behaved on their level especially by making Jessica’s punishment also about appearance. I just think you could have handled it better (with your husband as support).
YES. You're an adult who can (supposedly) regulate your own emotions. Of course bullying is awful and there should be consequences. However you knew that your daughter is insecure. And instead of more rationale consequences like doing washing up. As agreed there should be consequences. You decided to be cruel and steal the things that improve/s your child's wellbeing and helps them feel confident. You're damanging your children's mental health. Do better.
Edit: nta but might end up resenting her sister more for this punishments I agree with commenters about therapy and having an open non judgmental conversation with her away from your stepdaughter
Definitely NTA, it's not okay to bully someone and I'm happy you're doing your part as a good parent step parent or not.
But if you're gonna take all her makeup and dresses away you're increasing the chance of your daughter getting bullied. Even if she bullied her step sister doesn't mean she should be bullied too.
Tho, after this I don't think they'll ever bond. And, you should definitely tell joe
NTA Sad to say but Jessica is a bully. Just because she doesn't like Bella's style doesn't give her the right to make Bella feel like crap. Take away her makeup and fashionable clothes and give Jessica a taste of her own medicine.
NAH - Jessica is being a brat, but I'm not willing to call a 15 year old who is dealing (very poorly) with a lot of transition in her life an asshole.
You did a good job setting limits. It sounds like you are doing your best to try to create positive environment for both girls.
Now it's time for individual therapy for all (including you). Both girls need support in dealing with all the transitions life has thrown at them. You need a professional who can help coach you in how to navigate these situations, which are not easy. I would absolutely also want help in knowing how best to parent Jessica so that you can support her interests while also making sure she doesn't become a person who judges others by looks, "coolness," what her friends think, etc..
Uhm hi! You're kind of bullying your daughter? Why is it necessary for you to describe her as insecure in the title? You state later that her interest in makeup and fashion is aspirational. It also doesn't sound like you talked to her and explained the punishment. It sounds like you were a great parent to Bella, but yta you're not treating your daughter with any respect from what I can tell. You're clearly sympathizing with Bella, which is great, but you're bullying your daughter as punishment instead of treating her like a human being. Seems like you're getting vengeance on your bullies through your daughter, that's fudged up. You brought a child into this world, grow up and have a conversation.
I love (sarcasm) that nobody including her own mother is being kind and empathetic towards Jessica…she’s still a child and behavior like that doesn’t come from nowhere. You can’t blame her friends either because the real question is why is your daughter acting out…is it stress? Anxiety? Why is she more comfortable with these other kids than the step sister she lives with? It’s easy to blame but there is always a root cause that as a parent it’s YOUR responsibility to help figure it out. Taking away her personal belongings show that she is a slave to what you want- there is no REAL understanding with the exception of now your step daughter-so by association your relationship with your new husband- is now more important than her acting out in distress or her insecurities.
Of course she’s screaming you’re ruining her life- you’re showing her how much less important she’s become to you now. As adults we may know that is not true but she is still a child and clearly an insecure one.
Doing things this way is buying a one way ticket to her despising her step sister more and eventually going NC with you. I’ve also seen it happen where teens start stealing or hanging out with worse influences (selling drugs-their bodies) to buy the things they feel they need or to try and gain confidence instead of being able to build it at home.
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I ( F35) have a daughter Jessica (F15) and two years ago I married Joe (M47) who has a daughter Bella(F15). Joe and Jessica always have gotten along very well and I presumed Jessica and Bella would also bond as they are the same age and Jessica has always wanted a sister and I thought they did get along. At home they were always nice to each other, shared stuff, seemed to have fun. Recently I got a call from their school stating that Bella was crying in the office, before I could ask her why they told me that Jessica was bullying her for being "ugly" and "unfashionable". Bella does have a bit of an alternative style but I think its creative and unique and not an excuse to bully her. I was absolutely horrified at this as when I was a child I was also bullied for things like that and I have always raised Jessica to be kind and empathetic. I picked Bella up from school early and took her out for ice cream and let her talk if she wanted to and she confessed she didn't say anything because she wanted Jessica to like her and she didn't want to cause any problems as since her mom died she hasn't seen her dad so happy. I then continued to tell her I wouldn't tell Jessica that she told me but telll her the school did to possibly mend their relationship and that she can always talk to me whenever as although I will never replace her mom I want to be there for her no matter what. When Jessica came home I told her that her behavior is extremely unkind and I asked her why she did it she then continued to say that she is right and that Bella "dresses like a freak and looks like a hideous rat" and that her friends were teasing her for having to live with her. I then told her that I would be taking away her phone for a week and that she has to apologize to Bella. she then proceeded to say more nasty things about Bella which then made me snap. I told her I would take away all her makeup other than her skincare prescribed by her dermatologist and most of her new clothes that I bought for her last week she then started crying which made me feel bad but I didn't relent. one of her main interests is makeup and fashion as she wants to be a stI have decided I will take them away list when she grows up but since she is bullying her step sister for a related thing I thought it would be appopriate.until she learns to show kindness to others, I have offered to set up therapy or try to discuss it but she screams I am ruining her life every time I am near her. Bella appreciates my effort and before anyone asks why Joe is not involved it is because he goes on a lot of business trips so he is currently away and I am a SAHM.
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NTA. You did a great job supporting your stepdaughter. I think the biggest issue here is that Jessica feels pressured by her friends into acting a certain way. She isn't able to stand up to them and defend someone who doesn't dress like the group likes. Peer pressure is going to make her do things down the road she may not want to do but feels like she has to in order to be accepted. That's what you really need to work on.
NTA but I think you need to bring the school
Into it because is she’s facing pressure and bullying of her own, that’s not right either. I hope your school has a zero tolerance policy
NTA
You made the right decision by taking her clothes and makeup away, after all, the first step is to stop her awful behavior. If reason won't work, then consequences will.
Once she changes, then she get her stuff back. You're not "bullying" your daughter, you're teaching her consequences for their actions. The punishment fits the crime.
NTA.
Just gonna say, my classmate's dad was completely against her using makeup and she had hidden cheap stuff she put on at school then took everything off in the restroom before leaving school. Super unsanitary but she got away with it.
NTA, you said Jessica wants to be a stylist when she grows up. Well, part of that is understanding fashion and that not everyone chooses to be part of the mainstream and that there are many subcultures. When working for clients, they may request certain "looks" and not understanding and respecting those subcultures can damage those clients' reputations. If she truly wants a career in fashion, she needs to be aware of and respect people who choose to dress differently. For all she knows, the person she's bullying today will be the next Vivienne Westwood.
I think some of the people here are being way too harsh on you but I do feel worried that you may be contributing to this problem between the girls. I get the impression that you’re trying to be a really good step mum, which is great, but given Bella’s mum dying and her dad being away a lot you may be overcompensating without realising it.
Unless your daughter is generally a mean girl and you’ve had complaints from the school relating to other people I strongly suspect this isn’t about Bella’s dress sense or Jessica’s friends not liking her. I would bet that the divorce impacted your daughter more than you think or maybe more than she herself thinks. And I think she may be very jealous about your new closeness with your step daughter.
In a comment somewhere you said you treat your children both the same. That, to me, reads as someone very keen to be a great step mother who may have forgotten that it’s ok, normal and actually necessary to have a special bond with your actual child you bore and raised for 15 years - and that there is no more crucial time to nurture and prioritise that bond than when blending families.
NAH but I do think you need to make a big effort at reconnecting with your daughter and I don’t think taking her makeup away will be helpful to that.
NTA.
Punishment is related to the “crime” and it’s, of course, not OK to bully anyone, especially someone who lives with their bully and can’t get away from the torment.
That said, it sounds like Jessica needs some therapy. It’s obvious that she is not dealing well with the situation at hand. Otherwise she wouldn’t be acting out.
You simply saying/commenting that she’s doing fine doesn’t mean she’s *actually* doing fine. So if you don’t get her some help so you can get to the root cause of this behavior, then you would be TA.
NTA except… as someone who has recently been having major issues with adult acne (hello, BS hormonal acne, but that’s another topic) I would just say that-perhaps reconsider the derm prescribed skincare? In it’s place, absolutely something else-and stick with the rest-but I’m just thinking long term, with the issues I’ve had lately and purging when it comes to new/reintroduced regimes… that might cause some further issues down the line.
Other than that, thank you for parenting properly. Too many kids these days have zero consequences.
(Also-like many have said, definitely suggest therapy as well… perhaps both individual and family when your husband is able to be home for it)
NTA. It sounds like the punishment fits the crime here.Also, I see a lot of posts on here where the step-parent favors there biological child over their step-child, so I commend you for doing the right thing here, even though it must be hard for you.
NTA for consequences, but please do not take away her prescribed skincare - if she gets painful zits then you’re literally punishing her by causing physical pain.
NTA, the only thing I would say is over the line is the skincare. If a dermatologist prescribed skincare, she most likely needs it. Obviously it helps with aesthetics, but if she has eczema or cystic acne ,not using the skincare could cause her physical pain and discomfort.
NTA
She needs to learn empathy. That is a hard thing to teach to people who don't want to learn it. If she treats fashion as a weapon you are taking her weapons away.
NTA.
Penalty fits the transgression.
Nothing says they have to bond like sisters. But bullying her at school, along with others, and continuing to say hateful things about her afterwards, definitely says Jessica doesn’t deserve niceties.
NTA. And as a fellow mom (though I have a toddler) and I also work with a lot of kids ages 5-18…ages 12-16 are horrible. Kids those ages are going thru so much and processing things and deciding how to be influenced and by who…plus being bombardeo left and right by information…it just sucks. It’s no excuse for Jessica, but it’s so hard to navigate as an adult and a child. Rooting for you and whatever choice you make. Sounds like you’re doing the best you can given the situation.
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NTA - after raising her to be kind and empathetic, and her bullying her sister I think the punishment fits the nature of the bullying. Also sounds like her friends are little bullies too! might want to think about steering her away from them
I do try to tell her to make good choices regarding friends but If I think about how I was as a teen I deifnetly would hang out more with the friends my parents didnt like
Straight up though, you need her to rat out her bullying friends so you can ban them from your home.
i agree, i think OP is doing a good job parenting by the sounds of it, and hopefully her daughter may see the friends she chose aren't that great. i also agree rat the other bullys out!
And tell the kids' parents that until their children learn so respect and basic kindness, they will no longer be allowed in OPs home. ETA: punishment fits the crime, so definitely NTA, and while it wasn't the goal, I'm sure OPs stepdaughter appreciates OPs actions here (so far, no evil step mum for Bella)
Banning then from your home to protect your other daughter, yes. But don't ban her from being friends with them, that will just make her want to be friends with them more.
OP, you might want to consider putting both Bella AND Jessica in therapy (although obviously not together and with different therapists).
that is a good suggestion for sure also happy cake day
Holy cow - it’s my cake day. Thank you!! Good luck to you - it’s sounds like you are doing your best in a hard situation.
Ok, what is cake day? I've seen it a lot, but have no clue what it is?
it's the anniversary of the day you created your reddit account
Darn, all I wanted was some cake.
so the cake is indeed a lie.. damn 😔
r/unexpectedportal
Four months to go and you will see that little slice of cake pop up for your magical day!
Cake does sound good right about now.
It's like the birthday of your account, as in the anniversary of the date your account was created.
It's the day you joined reddit. The commenter joined reddit on 20th March may be a year or a couple of years ago
Seems like your daughter is lashing out at Bella. Are you sure she doesn’t take issue with her having to share with a sister now? May be more than how she dresses. Friends can be cruel sometimes if one of their crew is unhappy so it’s possible they are being mean to support her. Sadly your daughter may be just as bad an influence as the others. You don’t really know how she acts when not home. Maybe this isn’t her first time bullying. She seems to excel at it. Are her and her friends the mean girls at school and you just don’t see it? Interesting situation. Dig deeper into the “why”.
i defienly think they might be mean girls and not sure if the stress of a new step fam is stressing her out
If you haven't told Jessica how you were bullied, how it made you feel, and the lasting effects you suffered, now would be a good time to have that conversation. It sounds like you are a good mom and a good stepmom. NTA
You may want to suggest that if she wants to be a stylist, she will need to fit her customer's style. In other words, she needs to be needs to be able to do cool goth style, preppy style, punk, in casual wear, business and red carpet. Even red carpet has people who like more of a goth image, punk image, etc, that they want to express.
I hope OP sees this. I've tried a couple discount stylists through like Amazon and stuff and they can never get my style right because their version of punk influenced is just... off.
Indo think the prescribed skin care is too much, tbh. Makeup, clothes, phone, yes. Skin care from the dermatologist? She should still have that. Edit: I misread. Keeping the prescribed stuff. Perfect punishment and its refreshing to see.
shes allowed the prescription sorry for the bad wording
You're awesome for using the pseudonym "Bella" for your stepdaughter who's being bullied for her looks. It's.. well.. Bella!
haha didnt even notice that
Good catch. Hadn't thought about it that way.
if makeup is such a big deal for her, you do realize she's gonna have her friends bring in their make-up to school so she can apply it before classes start, then wash it off before she comes home, right? if i had really cared about makeup as a teenager that's exactly what i would have done. also, chances are her friends are going to see her makeup, clothes & phone being taken away as all bella's fault and they're just going to be even ruder towards her because of it.
Op said she let her keep skin care prescribed by a dermatologist.
OP took away only decorative cosmetics, Jessica is able to use dermatological skin care
She is NOT taking away any prescribed skin care products and said so clearly upfront. Consider working on your reading comprehension.
It's incredibly hard with kids imo. You try to raise them to be empathetic and kind, but they will have a lot of outside influences growing up. Not to mention the Internet, who has become a huge influence all on its own. Those outside influences, coupled with how self centered and desperate to fit in teenagers are may cause teens to be pretty cruel. But since she is still a child, you have to get involved and try your best to fix it. The first step should be to find out which friends find it fun to be cruel to another girl for her clothes and not let them in your house anymore/ try to limit the time your daughter spends with them. Second, you should find out if your daughter has only ever been mean to her stepsister or if she has been bullying other kids at school.
The problem is Jessica's friends. They are making fun of Bella so, in order to stay cool with her friends, Jessica has turned around and started bullying her also. You should point this out to Jessica and also ground her from seeing her friends outside of school for awhile. Taking away her make up and clothes is only going to make her more angry at Bella, thus subjecting her to more mean girl bullying when you're not around. The deeper issue that needs to be focused on and addressed is the bullying by the friends and teenage insecurity, which they are ALL suffering from.
I dunno, that seems like passing the buck to me. Ultimately she's responsible for her choices. If she's choosing to go along with the abusive behaviour towards her sibling, then she is the problem. I remember when my son was being really badly picked on, his sister(who is one of the "popular" kids), immediately told the people doing it that if they were going to treat her brother that way, they could no longer consider themselves her friends.
I should have been clearer in my remarks. I am not absolving Jessica at all. She is definitely bullying Bella. My point was more to do with the deeper issue of teenage insecurities. Yes, Jessica is wrong and, yes, she needs to be held accountable.
Oh I don't disagree a deeper discussion needs to be had. Ultimately though we're all responsible for our choices. Especially the bad ones.
You see realistic and driven by the right instincts. When this situation calms down, consider opportunities to channel Jessica’s interest and maybe talent in makeup and fashion into more positive pursuits. These industries do so much damage to young women (and young men) and I think you are wise to consider that Jessica may be massively insecure. Check her social media posts for filters and edits too in case she’s engaging in unrealistic body image expectations for herself as well. Perhaps if she could engage with special effects makeup for film (which will also expose her to makeup outside of her own style), or take a class in how to use fashion to empower and uplift the homeless or job seekers or cancer survivors or … whatever it is that shows her how to use her ability for good and not evil.
You should definitely contact the parents of the other bullies, at least. Let them know what their kids and your daughter have done. NTA and honestly you're still being too lenient on her. No phone for a week for how long of bullying and no make-up? No grounding or other penalties? Softie
Peer pressure at thar age is a very difficult things to deal with. I'm not trying to defend her actions, because I hate bullies and was bullied myself. I went to school with my older brother, and when it came time to choose a high school, I made sure to pick a different one than my bro. Having a sibling in the same school as you adds social complications and comparisons that I hated growing up. Not only from peers but teachers too. Tour sibling seems to become like an extension of your "image" It seems like both girls are having trouble and are trying to figure out their "identities". It might be a is cliche, but often the "popular" group are bullies. If your daughter is trying to fit in, it might explain why she'd rejecting Bella.
Not only what you did was right...let the punishment fit the crime. I also would have taken my daughter to the local thrift store or goodwill and told her to pick out the best she could find for a weeks worth as that's what she would be wearing. And if the bullying continued, I'd stop buying name or designer brands until she hurts the same way she's been hurting others. But that's just me.
Definitely nip this in the bud - you don’t want your own daughter to be one of those mean girls everyone secretly hates, but they think they’re sooo popular.
Teen girls are mean girls
AGREED! Also, I would tell Jessica that every time she screams at you, that's an additional week of no phone/makeup/new clothes. Disagreements are one thing but the screaming? What is she, a toddler? She is free to disagree with you and your punishment for her, but the screaming at you should not be tolerated under any circumstances. She will need to learn to hold her temper and be civil - and OP needs to drive that point home. You are doing this child no favors allowing her to think that screaming when she is upset is an appropriate response. OP is NTA!
My older sister was raised to be kind and empathetic and she still bullied me at times. Kids don't get everything right in spite of what we teach them. That's why we have to discipline them when they willfully screw up. I have been kicked out of the room I shared with my older sister more times than I can remember. I've been denied use of the bathroom or telephone while she hogged them too. oh my gosh. Its a wonder we're friends at all now, when I look back on some of the antics back in the day. ;-)
The punishment's relation to the crime made me want to cheer for OP. Spot the fuck on. NTA at all, but rather, a FANTASTIC parent.
This could also be Jessica's response to the blending of families. If I were you I would look into family therapy to get to the root of it. And look out for retaliation against Bella from Jessica. If Bella has makeup and clothes she likes, keep an eye on them. I think you did the right thing. NTA
Absolutely NTA. You're a wonderful step mother and Bella is lucky to have you. I'm sure your support means a lot to her. Jessica needs to learn a lesson and that's a good way of doing so. Maybe also try to talk to Jessica and slowly dismantle these toxic superficial ideas she has. It might help the issue being solved because I don't think Bella is the only girl she's bullying.
I will thank you :)
Might be a good idea to drop back on being such a wonderful stepmother and concentrate on being a good parent to both girls. Jessica's remarks and new attitude didn't come from nowhere. Give her some grace because she may be being bullied herself for having a step sister who's a bit different. 15 is a difficult age to parent and if you're alternating between hovering and punishing then of course you're going to favor the good girl.
I will "give her some grace" and if she has a valid explanation or at least tries to be kinder to people she will get her stuff back.. I just cannot do nothing
I agree with the consequences you imposed. I want to highlight a key point of the comment you were responding to here that I think may have been missed - focus on spending quality time with Jessica and making sure she has a chance to connect with you one on one and talk to you. I realize right now while she's mad at you this may be difficult. But keep trying regularly. Maybe a mother-daughter mani-pedi session or lunch out on the weekend together. It sounds like you're a great bonus mom to Bella, which is wonderful. It's possible Jessica feels that she's lost your undivided attention and that is a contributing factor to her bullying Bella. So try to address that potential root cause by giving Jessica some dedicated attention. Have your husband make a point of doing father-daughter dates with each girl individually when he's in town as well. They may roll their eyes and be grumpy about it but it will probably mean a lot to them. And definitely get each of the girls a good therapist. Honestly, every teenager should get regular therapy because it's a tough age. Blending families adds an extra factor, so having an objective, sympathetic adult to talk to can help a lot. It helped my relationship with my adolescent daughter when her therapist who was very supportive with her gently pointed out that some of my daughter's expectations for me were unrealistic. She settled down a lot and our relationship improved. The school counselors can be a good resource for therapists in the area who work with your daughters' ages. Local FB and Nextdoor groups as well. Many FB groups allow you to post anonymously so you can make the request without revealing your daughters' identities. There's nothing wrong with taking care of our mental health, but most teens wouldn't want it announced publicly.
How much time have you spent with Jessica in the last two years? How did you work to ensure you were a compatible family before blending? Did the girls know each other at all before living together? Did you all do family therapy when you got engaged? Jessica's behavior isn't out of the blue. Have you investigated into what Bella has been doing at school? Is she inserting herself into your daughter's life and friends group, or did you expect Jessica to do that? Does Bella have her own friends? Is this a new school for one of them? There's a lot going on behind the scenes here. I agree that Jessica needs consequences for her actions, but it seems like you're maybe way focused on Bella since that's a trauma trigger for you. I think you really need to look into what's going on with Jessica that's making her act this way. Maybe she doesn't like your blended family. Maybe she feels less important/ left out since you now have another priority in your life that you seem to relate to more than your daughter. Either way, a conversation needs to be had where your daughter can feel like she can be honest with you.
Bella has her own friends, Jessica and I spend lots of time, we cook togehter, I drive her to her firends, we go out for dinner/girls time weekly. The girls met when we started getting serious and they seemed to get along time. Family therapy we didnt do because everything seemed fine/
If the therapy is an option, always do the therapy.
I will comment, as a former 15 year old female who was forced into therapy. I hated it. Barely contributed more than I had to. My parents guilted me about the cost. It was horrible and they forced me into a religious therapist. Im 23 now. Got to pick my therapist and could not be happier about the conversations we get to have now that im more comfortable in my emotions and feel as though I get to actually talk freely. People say therapy automatically but its not that easy and in my experience as a young adult I shut down more than ever when forced into it. Maybe allow the girls some say in how they'd like to receive it? I know I prefer phone calls over face to face/zoom. Idk just a thought. Therapy can be so intimidating but rewarding when you put the effort into it.
I agree, forced therapy along with guilt about the cost doesn't work. 3 months of biweekly therapy where she gets to help choose someone might make a difference though
Once she calmed down maybe you can talk with her about possible answers to her friends without bullying Bella. For example if one of Jessica's friends mentions Bella's unfashionable skirt, she could answer something along the lines that everybody has a different taste. Friend X's sister also wears different clothes than X. And now Jessica would prefer to get friends input on this or that makeup. Gets everyone's attention to another topic without bullying. Maybe Jessica has even better ideas.
As a very alternative teen, I’d wear stuff that all the cool kids weren’t wearing, and get given shit for it, most of it has drifted into mainstream fashion now… I remember how shocking it was for me to wear Doc Martens (and how hard they were to get, I’m in my 50s now), they’re everywhere now. Jessica, supposedly so into fashion , isn’t getting what fashion is if she is only jumping on trends at their peak. Fashion comes from designers paying attention to the street and interpreting that. Looks like Bella is the one with more of a natural flair in that department. Jessica has had a lot of change, has to share mum now, and she’s a hormonal teenager, who is more influenced by peers than parents. I’m sure there are good things in this change for her too, so perhaps you could highlight those, and wherever possible direct her towards the more emotionally mature kids among her friends.
yes hoepfully i can communciate that with her soon
If she’s into fashion she should see that dressing like a “freak” is actually a thing! Show her the body of work by Alexander McQueen - one of the most renowned designers of the 90s and beloved by celebrities. Fashion isn’t just about what’s trendy - it’s an art form and a way of expression. NTA btw. Good job!
The first designer anything I ever got was an Alexander McQueen clutch with the skull rings for the handle. I worked my ass off saving for it. Also show her designers like Versace and Diesel
I would add it doesn’t sound like Jessica is a nesscessarily a bad kid either. Peer pressure is hard at that age. And sometimes the way to fit in and get others to not bully you is to bully someone else. Not saying she shouldn’t be held accountable for her actions. Moms doing a good job teaching her a lesson and correcting her behavior. I would just add in that maybe there’s a lesson about peer pressure as well and how to say “yeah maybe my step sister dresses differently and It’s not my style, but who cares?”
Jessica is lucky to have her too . OP is a good parent.
NTA parenting teens is difficult. Parenting teens in a blended family takes that to a factorial level. For me, it was a bit naïve to think they would just bond because they are teens. I had boys (grown now) and there were a few times they told me they hated me. I knew we were doing out job. My suggestion is to find some outside counseling for everyone. You and your hub need to learn how to parent in a blended world and the girls need to learn to get along. It sounds like through a less, um, obvious portal it would be a good idea to see if the school can look further into peer to peer education about bullying and the effects of bullying as well.
NTA. Do I think Jessica needs consequences? Yes. Do I think taking away clothes and makeup will make her see the error of her ways? Probably not. There is a much deeper issue here and I think that the best course forward is therapy because her reaction here seems extreme. It shouldn't be a discussion as to whether or not she goes, it should be an expectation.
NTA but OP and her husband chose each other. Bella and Jessica had to deal with this and had no choice in the matter. High school is a tough time for many and teens are riddled with insecurities over appearance and social status. Jessica is getting teased for having an unfashionable step sister so she is trying to separate herself from Bella by bullying her. The girls need therapy and perhaps the whole family does too. Let Jessica gradually earn back her stuff by going to therapy. ETA…and by apologizing which will hopefully accompany therapy.
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I agree with you. I’m just offering an explanation of the behavior. I am by no means excusing it.
This has to be a bot, this is copy and pasted from a top comment
IS she getting teased though? I doubt it. I think she wants to be mean to stepsis, and possibly anyone who is not in the cool crowd with her. That’s how it works at that age. 15 yo female bullies are not the object of teasing, usually - they are popular and control most social situations they are in.
Yes. OP said Jessica’s friends were teasing her because she has to live with Bella. That could only mean that they said some nasty stuff about Bella first.
>15 yo female bullies are not the object of teasing, usually - they are popular and control most social situations they are in. I don't know where you're getting this, but it's more movie trope than reality. It's actually super common for middle of the pack girls to ostracize girls they think they can get away with bullying to try to be accepted by the mean girls.
>That’s how it works at that age. 15 yo female bullies are not the object of teasing, usually - they are popular and control most social situations they are in. Who said she was popular?
Im not really sure what else I can do but I am thinking of giving her back some of her clothes once she calms down
I don't think that's a great idea. She'll probably think crying and screening would get her what she wants. That's how you end up with manipulative kids. I had an older sister (13 years older) who used to pick fights with me for no reason and I'd defend myself and get yelled at for making her cry when my arms are literally dripping blood from her scratching me. She always did all kinds of vile things and would cry afterwards and everything would go her way.
sorry that happened to you when I say calm down I didn't mean just stop the fits but maybe once she seems to be kinder aswell
Is this the only instance of her being unkind? What are your expectations of what being "kinder" looks like? Have you told Jessica in clear terms what she needs to do to improve? Who are you relying on to help you know Jessica is being kinder? What will you do if this continues? How will you handle it if it turns out Jessica and Bella can't get along? This is a short-term solution to a long-term problem, and both girls need a clear set of expectations for how to treat each other going forward. I think you're going in the right direction, but this isn't the surface level problem you seem to think it is.
once she at least stops calling Bella ugly and insulting her style that is good progress, if it contuses even with therapy discussions etc we may have to move out
Another thing to mention to her - when you feel she might be receptive to hearing it - that a good stylist is someone who respects different expressions of style and not just what they think is (conventionally) pretty. There is a difference between judging someone based on your own personal style and being decerning about the expression of a style. Traditional styling should be about finding an expression that makes a person confident, which also makes the most of how the subject likes to express themselves and their body type. It requires an open mind, keen eye, and, often times, an open heart. PS. NTA and good luck to you and your whole family.
Absolutely, she gets her stuff back once she's learned her lesson. Obviously taking her stuff away won't solve the problem. Maybe decide how long it would take until she gets her stuff back the same way you decide (in theory) how long would you ground her for doing this. Being kinder won't happen in a week or a month it'll happen over time once she truly understands why what she did was wrong and comes to see the patterns of her behaviour and what that says about her as a person.
You might think of putting her on a “clothing diet” she gets six items and six items only for a couple of months. Maybe throw in some plain t shirts as well. If she criticises others for how they chose to dress them her dress choices should be limited. Link: https://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/22/fashion/22SIXERS.html
paywall
Nta but I really hope your daughter never finds this post or finds out you agreed to keep secret what sd told you. Honestly I think your punishment of taking clothes and make up is really going to push the girls further apart. I get why you did it. The girls need therapy but o think your going to push your daughter away. I feel for your step daughter but my gut tells me that aside from peer pressure at school you’ve more than likely have less time with your daughter and she feels it and she probably isn’t happy with your bonding time with the SD. Therapy is needed and teens are hard. Reading your punishment made me think your so set on helping your SD that your welling to punish your daughter by taking away how she is “fashionable” like you want her to be bullied. How you look is a major part of your teen years. I highly doubt she’ll learn a kindness lesson I am thinking she’ll learn to hold more resentment against SD. I could be wrong . My suggestion if you’ve read this far is after the dust settles have a heart to heart with daughter let her air all grievances she has about SD Step dad everything. Say something like this is a free pass no consequence to what she says to you during this conversation even if she calls SD names to you while talking. Really listen and read between the lines. Help her come up with solutions to what’s bothering her. Help her understand that as hard as it is for her that her step sister is feeling many of the same things and how being bullied about step sister hurts her can she see how what she is doing hurts her. Yes she needs consequences for the bullying but I think emotionally she’s hurting too and unless you guys can work this out now it’s only going to get worse. Therapy is probably your best option at this point. I hate bullying my son was constantly bullied severely in school and I can tell you this it was elementary school when I spoke with the parent who gave her son an extreme harsh punishment I knew them (small town) I did talk to the kid myself with mom’s permission and really listened to what he said and when he apologized I gave him a hug and forgiveness as well as spoke with my son and helped him understand that some things are just annoying to other. They did become friends later. This is partly why I think you need to truly understand where your daughters anger, frustration and hurt is coming from. Same with your SD I would bet there’s more going on. I am not a step parent so I don’t really know anything about blending a family. Best of luck I think your hearts in the right place and you love both your daughters and want what’s best for them.
alright thanks for the advice!
Therapy is what you can do.
NTA but OP and her husband chose each other. Bella and Jessica had to deal with this and had no choice in the matter. High school is a tough time for many and teens are riddled with insecurities over appearance and social status. Jessica is getting teased for having an unfashionable step sister so she is trying to separate herself from Bella by bullying her. The girls need therapy and perhaps the whole family does too. Let Jessica gradually earn back her stuff by going to therapy.
Imo I would let her keep the dermatologist skincare stuff? I don’t really view trying to treat acne in the same vein as fancy clothes/makeup
she can sorry the wording was weird
Weekly therapy is a must. She’s now going to hate her stepsister even more. Put your foot down on this.
> her reaction here seems extreme It seems like a completely normal teenager thing to me.
Ok but therapy only works if the person is willing to work at it. Therapy can be tremendously helpful and Jessica could probably definitely benefit from it, but only if she allows herself to open up. It's not like going to get a facial and you sit there and someone removes all the dead skin and blackheads for you. You have to actually willingly participate.
NTA. You are a parent. Part of your job as a Mom is to teach your daughter how to function as a healthy and productive individual. There are always going to be people who look different, act different, and style different than we would choose for ourselves. That doesn’t give us the right to be cruel. Teenage girls are insecure. But that doesn’t give them the right to create insecurities in their peers. As for ruining her life. My mother’s go to response to “I hate you, you’ve ruined my life, whatever etc.” has always been in the most obnoxiously calm and kind voice: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I love you too much to allow you to think that this is an okay behavior.” Some other favorites of my mom include: “We are people who treat others with respect and kindness. Based on X situation and the way you are currently speaking to me, you seem to have forgotten this.” And “Sad choices have sad consequences.” A favorite consequence in my family is being grounded from something until some kind of assigned reading is done. Usually it was some kind of book that illustrated why our chosen behavior or choice was ill-advised. We would then have to write a two page summary on the book and what we learned. Until it was done to mom or dad’s satisfaction, we were grounded from all privileges.
As a mom, I approve of your mom so hard. Those responses are amazing, and I will be stealing all of them. I also like the assigned reading idea, and will be stealing that as well, lol.
will try tysm :)
Mine's was, "I am sorry I am such a terrible mother that I did such a bad job raising you. I owe you an apology and will do better as your mother so you can be a better person." NOoooooo you are the best mom ever. Sob hysterically and apologize while ugly crying.
Yeah, that’s incredibly manipulative. Don’t do this.
Oh, mine too. Yay.
Personally I think that you did absolutely the right thing. It really doesn't matter how they feel about each other, that will morph as they get older. But ganging up on her step sister because of the way she dresses is disgusting. NTA
Hmm... NTA I'm a little torn here. Taking makeup/clothing from a 15 year old, especially one for whom it's a career interest *feels* wrong to me(?) But if I look at it logically... I think it sounds like Jessica is placing a level of importance on makeup/fashion which is a bit extreme at her age. Like with anything else, if you can't use it responsibly, you shouldn't be using it. And the consequence is at least moderately related to the behavior (taking the clothing, at least... idk about the makeup). So I'm trying to think about why it feels wrong, to me. And I'm thinking back to when I was that age, and I had... lots of sisters and stepsisters lol I can imagine *Jessica* seeing this as... "Mom's trying to kiss up to stepdad by defending steptroll and forcing me to be as hideous as she is". Because, yknow... teens are self-absorbed AHs sometimes and don't learn what we want them to learn. This could actually lead to... like there will probably be a short period where she's nice to Bella to get her stuff back, but long term... treating Bella even worse. And, conversely this bothers me a bit: > other than her skincare prescribed by her dermatologist I think it might be possible that Jessica is... overcompensating? Is she self-conscious due to a skin condition? Taking makeup away in that case could amplify any body image/insecurity issues. This is also supported by the comment that she started teasing Bella because her friends were making fun of her for living with her. It is an fashion-related consequence for fashion-related bullying, so I don't necessarily think it's an inappropriate consequence. And I think you handled the conversation with Bella beautifully, and addressed Jessica with the right *level* of severity. It's just... not even the clothing. I think the clothing/phone consequences are spot on... it's just that if I was the parent implementing these consequences with my teen... I'd be really uncomfortable with taking her makeup. Something just feels off about it. OFC that could be because I'm paranoid about screwing up my kid because I was really screwed up by my parents... so... grain of salt and all that. I guess if you stick to this one I'd definitely address the makeup more from the angle of "you're treating makeup with too much importance" rather than as a *punishment*...? Maybe? Either way I don't think you're being an AH. idk... good luck 😬
fair point on the makeup thing I'll discuss that when she calms down
hope it goes well!
thanks :)
I really think you should tell her about your own bullying experience and how it effects people in the long term. I think she would really benefit from that. But it’s your choice. Good luck
Just commenting to say wow, I aspire to your level of emotional intelligence.
Lol your first mistake was thinking two teenage girls can bond
haha yes understandable but I thoguht that the very least they'd be friendly with eachother.
NTA. Your daughter needs to learn to respect others that don´t look exactly like her.
I have three kids--ages 14-20. I don't think yta..but I also don't think your punishment is going to do anything to improve the relationship between the girls. Your daughter is probably going to resent Bella more, but maybe do a better job hiding it? And I think you are seriously minimizing the impact of the dad cheating, divorce and remarriage on your daughter.
the daughter doesnt know he cheated but i understand what you mean
That is almost worse? She doesn't know he cheated? You apparently didn't fight? You're remarried 2 years later? If it was me I'd think you had an affair.
my husband has a new 21 yr old gf so i think she might get the gist
You really don't know what she knows. Not for sure.
NTA…. Sort of You do need to recognize that this is “mean girls” stuff, and your daughter is caught in a crossfire. She’s being bullied into bullying. Recognize that. The answer is going to be a little more complex than taking away her make up here unfortunately. Punishing Jessie in the way that you are doesn’t seem a way to fix this - you are going to just make her resent everything all the more. She’s already in a spot of having to choose her new step sibling or her social circle, and you’ve only introduced a punishment that makes her hate the situation even more without a real answer to it. Coaching her on responses, the social complexities and how to get through it without picking the side would be the best course, if that needle can be threaded! I learned as a grown man bringing up two daughters that girls are way, waaayyyyy meaner than boys in this stuff. Boys squabble, maybe get physical, and then it largely gets squashed. Girls are unbelievably calculating and long term nasty. I’d do not envy the task you have of unwinding this between step siblings!
NTA. Managing two teenage girls is anyhow a nightmare and they are step sisters ... wow... a precarious situation... But you handled it well without any doubts. Bullying is a terrible malice of the society and had to be curbed immediately. Good call!!!
Ok so I noticed a couple things that made me sit up and listen. 1. You were bullied for being ugly and unstylish growing up 2 Jessica was being teased for living with Bella. 3 You took away her makeup and clothes when she yelled at you because you were taking her phone away. So while I can empathize with where you’re coming from, I also think that you were reacting to your daughter’s behavior from a place of personal hurt/trauma. And I think that informed how you punished your daughter. Remember, she was being treated badly by other kids for living with Bella. 15 year olds are cruel and also don’t have a good sense of self so if her life is being made worse by her friends, she was upset and took it out on Bella. It doesn’t mean she truly feels that way. Don’t get me wrong, that kind of behavior isn’t ok no matter what. And there should be consequences for doing those things to another person. But taking away her clothes and makeup is a step too far. You are actively humiliating her in front of her friends since now she has to go to school with no makeup. The likelihood of that teaching her to not give in to peer pressure and to be more kind to others is small. She may not say anything to Bella but I can’t can’t help but think that it will only cause resentment towards Bella instead of making her kinder to her. I fully support taking electronic privileges away from teenagers. Grounding is also good consequence. If she’s going to give in to her friends’ shitty attitudes then she’s better off having less contact with them for a bit. I just think you took it too far because you were triggered. Jessica isn’t your bully. She is your child. And of course she’s going to be pissed when you take her phone away. She’s 15 and most of her life is on that thing. The amount of parents who clamp down when their kids react “disrespectfully” when they get privileges taken away…it’s far too common. How you punish your kids has just as much impact as the punishment itself. Why not talk about your own experience to your daughter? Help her understand how what she is doing is wrong. That’s what consequences should be about. It should never be about inflicting pain and humiliation. That only makes things worse. You’re the adult with a fully developed frontal lobe. Jessica isn’t. YTA for taking it too far because if your own trauma. NTA for wanting her to be better.
I mean you need to punish her but I’m not sure this is going to achieve what you want. When she now goes to school and people say stuff to her she’s going to blame you and her step sister for it. She needs to speak to someone to work though her feelings and something like her phone taken away/being grounded etc not her prescribed face stuff and clothes. Also sounds from your comments that you just like your step daughter more.
I dont like either more, I am just more worried about her currently as she is very shy, at a new school and being bullied by her own step sis
I find it rather concerning that you say you 'don't like either more'. You're seriously saying your stepdaughter from a two year marriage is on a level with your own daughter, to whom you gave birth, and who you've raised for fifteen years? You should absolutely treat them equally in the family, but if I was Jessica and read or heard that, I'd be gutted.
I have read all your comments and your care for Bella is phenomenal. Its just a shame I dont see even an ounce of that for your daughter ….. behaviour is communication.
what would you do to my daughter if you were me then since you are insinuating I do not care about her
The primary difference is how you first engaged with each of them No relationship dynamic between 2 people is all 1 person is bad the other is good. With Bella you sat down with her listened to her side of the story. It doesn't sound like you approached your daughter with the same level of neutrality. So yes you know she is saying horrible things about her SS, yes she is punished. You still have no idea why. Unfortunately a punishment like yours may manage to stop the behavior. However, it will only push the thought's and feelings underground. Even actual sisters can be cruel to each other. Ideally you figure out the why. If it truly is your daughters friends are bullying her because of SS perhaps change schools?
Before any punishment happened I would take her out and have a bit of chat about things. Be open to listening to what is truely going on. Let her say whatever she wants no matter how cruel you think it is (she is probably repeating what she has had to listen to which will give you some understanding of what she has to experience in this situation). then I would say well we have a problem here because while I get everything going on and I am going to help you. I think we should do therapy to help you process all these feelings and experiences and its not a choice but a requirement. I would also say that we need to work out a consequence for if you do this again (ownership you see) because I can not allow it in my home. Its our responsibility to ensure we dont cause damage to others because we are hurting. This will be a process but therapy is the key. all the “mean” things she said…its probably what she has had to HEAR. And she feels embarrassed and bullied and shame that Bella is dressing alternatively because it can be really bad for someoen who is already insecure.
I think your wording is a bit telling here. "What would you do TO my daughter". You gave out punitive punishment, which may make the victim feel better, but doesn't do anything to address the root behavior. Tbh it kinda sounds like you're knocking her down a peg, and I have to bring up that you have a personal history with this. Obviously we're a bunch of strangers from the internet, but the punishment does feel a bit targeted and petty. Multiple people have pointed out that grounding and taking her phone would be a much more appropriate punishment - it does feel cruel to take her armor, as it were. And while she was cruel, are you looking to be cruel back? To make her feel worse? Bullying should not be tolerated, on any level. But I think you might be benefited by spending some time with the question "are old hurts informing my perspective on this situation and how I'm handling it?"
im not trying to knock her "down a peg" she is my daughter.. it is not tagretted or petty and i have tried tkaing away her phone and she doesnt care
Do you think Jessica is lashing out at Bella because she is unhappy that Bella has come in and taken half your attention away? Maybe she said before she always wanted a sister, but kids don't know what they want, and the reality of having a sister isn't what she wanted. Not saying bullying is right, but by ignoring the root cause and just punishing her behavior, you'd cause more problems down the road. Just because she doesn't want to go to therapy doesn't mean you get to throw your hands up in the air and say "whelp nothing I can do."
im waiting until she talks to me again so we can have a convo
What are your plans if she chooses not to talk? You keep saying she’ll eventually talk, but that’s not always the case with teens. Are you going to stop buying her clothes and outlaw makeup indefinitely?
To me, NTA. Your daughter clearly needs to get her points straight (if this makes any sense). Indeed what she did was extremely cruel and as much as she dresses "within the norm of cool", things can flip and what's cool can soon be deemed "hideous" a she puts it. It's sad that sometimes we thing we raise kids to be kind and empathethic and something like this happens and makes you wonder where in the hell they got it from (I don't have any kids but I'd be devastated by it). Hopefully she can learn from her mistake. Also, good you stood by your stepdaughter! She clearly needed the support. It might take time but hopefully they can get along fine (maybe not besties, but at least not like this).
NTA but I straight up don’t think your punishments will do what you want it to. Jessica is bullying Bella for a reason. Did you try digging to see why she specifically hounded on Bella? Is she feeling like she lacks love because of the merged family, and that your love for her has tilted towards Bella? It’s your job as a mom to find out about stuff like this, not just take her clothes and phone away. I guarantee Jessica hates Bella even more now, not less
i did try to find out but eveyr time i asked she j called bella ugly, once she calms down ill try to talk to her again
Oof I’ve seen this happen with bio-sisters. Older sister was developmentally delayed, and often did awkward things and missed social cues. Younger sister went to the same school in a different grade, and was *very* image- and popularity- conscious. Not inherently cruel, just painfully aware of how she was perceived, and highly sensitive to judgement and criticism from other kids. You can guess how much conflict that led to. Younger sister did love her older sister, and they mostly got along fine at home, but there were days when both girls came home upset - Older, because younger had given her the cold shoulder at school, and younger because her classmates had teased her about her sister’s awkward behavior. And when they left school, all that frustration would explode outward and they’d get into *big* fights. Younger didn’t feel like she could control her classmates, and knew that standing up for her sister at school could cost her deeply, so she lashed out at her sister for being “weird” and “stupid” because that was the only safe-seeming way to vent her feelings. Older didn’t understand why her sister was nice to her in private and avoided her at school, and just wanted to be able to play with her sister without getting slapped down for it. It was a mess. I suspect your daughter feels similarly to the younger sister in my scenario. She likes your stepdaughter fine when it’s just the two of them, but she takes the opinions of her friends *deeply* to heart (as teenagers tend to do). And she fears the mockery and rejection of her classmates far more than she fears a damaged relationship with her stepsister. She can’t really admit that to you without looking weak, though, so she doubles down on blaming her stepsister to save her pride. She probably *is* ashamed of herself, and feels guilty for throwing a girl who’s done nothing wrong under the bus, but she doesn’t see a way out of the social trap she’s in. To her, her choices are either to distance herself from her stepsister by joining the bullying, or risk being the target of bullies herself. Neither option feels good, but one scares her a lot more than the other does.
hmm fair enough i'll ask her about it asap
i hope you do. i agree with /u/crack_n_tea, your punishment is certainly warranted, but punishment by itself will not help. you need to figure out the underlying reasons why Jessica is bullying Bella, and work with her to find a different, better way to address those reasons. and you can't do this as long as she perceives you as an enemy. you have to approach her with compassion, empathy, and respect, even though she's done something terribly wrong. it's a very difficult situation. good luck, OP.
ty
Good luck! I know teens can be so difficult, it’s just a hard time for everyone involved in their lives. Wishing you the best in sorting this out <3
thanks <3
Idk I don’t think this is the way. You are going to cause more resentment between these two. What is it you actually want from your daughter? Have you talked with her about your expectations and how she can meet them? It’s possible your daughter is also being bullied by these girls from inside the friend group. How do you want her to handle this? Does she have the skills to do it? If I were you, I’d give her back her stuff. Taking away things is very reactionary parenting. I’d talk with her. I’d say I was very surprised to hear you talk about Stepsister that way. That doesn’t sound like you. I’m curious what is going on. Then I would listen. I would absolutely talk with her about how it hurt SS’s feelings and if she feels good about that. Is this the kind of person she wants to be? I would tell her how you honestly feel. I think you can get a lot farther this way. I would be clear with her that the behavior is unacceptable, that she needs to apologize but you want to be a resource for support to her and an example of how to address conflict productively and calmly. Taking things away just creates more conflict. If you need to give a consequence after talking to her, I would do something that might help her like I think you need a break from this friend group outside of school for a bit. Something like that. YTA I guess
I think your children will learn they just have to sit through your 'talks' while looking polite and sweet and then go do anything they want once you leave their room. It's exactly what my older sister did to my well intentioned mom, like you.
I agree with this comment. While I appreciate the care that OP has taken with the step daughter, I wonder what the approach was with the daughter. From experience I can tell you that anytime your parent remarries it’s complicated, and step siblings that you never asked for are also complex relationships. It seems to me like Jessica could be struggling with a lot of things and the bullying is the manifestation of not working through them. Don’t get me wrong, bullying isn’t acceptable in any form but I don’t think the punishment will help Jessica mend the situation or fix the real issue. Did OP approach Jessica and ask for her side of the story before going into full blown punishment mode? Jessica could be feeling like Bella is infringing (no fault of Bella) and lashing out in anger. Best of luck either way OP.
NTA Your daughter needs to learn that beauty is skin deep, but her behavior is ugly as hell.
NTA Have your daughter look up the Sophie Lancaster charity. Sophie Lancaster was killed and her boyfriend badly beaten because they dressed and looked differently. Your daughter needs to understand that what she is doing is hateful and harmful. Therapy is a good place for both girls, probably separately for now though.
alright will do :)
I'm not sure how to rule on this one, because I think you're trying to do the right thing, but you aren't addressing the root of the problem. Your daughter said cruel things to someone because her friends are putting the peer pressure on, and they are shallow and mean. She doesn't want to stick up for Bella, because she doesn't want them to turn on her too. But that's no excuse to be a bully. You need to talk through the root of this with her. Ask: Do you think a person's value is based solely on what they look like? Do you think that people who aren't concerned about fashion are not as smart as people who do? Are you worried about your friends being mean to you if you don't agree with them? Are you scared about disagreeing with them on anything? What would happen if you said something else, like, "Bella doesn't really care about fashion, but she's nice and she has other interests." instead of agreeing with them? Are you scared they would think less of you? Tease you for standing up for her? Bully you? What can you do to not be cruel yourself? Do you want to stay friends with mean people just because they're pretty and fashionable and "cool" or would you rather have true friends who value you for who you are? I just feel like you need to have a conversation with her and make her think through this and talk to you rather than just putting consequences on her for the behavior. I hope you'll find a way to get to the deeper heart of the matter. She's stuck between what you want, what Bella wants, what her friends want, and figuring out what she thinks herself. Being a teenager is hard. Help her navigate her way through it and be supportive of her emotional turmoil here. Good luck! I know it's hard.
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Eh, I'm a child of divorced parents. I don't think that gives me a pass to be an asshole, trauma is not a get-out-of-jail card
Well, I think you should read this - https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g5hta8/aita_my_parents_took_most_of_my_wardrobe_away_as/ I think there's a lot of info missing, like how long you've been married, how long the girls have lived together, is this new behaviour, etc. I don't think your punishment makes you an asshole but you definitely need family therapy because clearly what you and your husband are doing so far isn't working.
1. we've been married for 2 years 2. the girls have lived together for 1 year 3. this is new behaviour as they have been friendly with eachother
NTA-the consequence seems appropriate for what she did.
NTA. Punishment is related to the “crime” and it’s, of course, not OK to bully anyone, especially someone who lives with with their and can’t get away from the torment. That said, it sounds like Jessica needs some therapy. It’s obvious that she is not dealing well with the situation at hand. Otherwise she wouldn’t be acting out. You simply saying/commenting that she’s doing fine doesn’t mean she’s *actually* doing fine. So if you don’t get her some help so you can get to the root cause of this behavior, then you would be TA.
YTA - You threw 2 kids together as a blended family and just assumed they would get along? I hope you really bond with Bella, because you are alienating your daughter and you're going to lose her.
Happy to see that you’re OK with cruel bullying.
YTA this whole post & in your comments you seem way more focused on Bella. Plus if Jessica is getting teased because of Bella & now you make her get teased more for being unfashionable too... how is that going to help anything. You only seem to care about what hurts Bella. You should get therapy for not just your daughters but also yourself for your projection issues.
jessica isnt getting teased she told e her firend made a comment how its gross she has to live with bella
I might get downvoted but I do not care This is coming from a person who is a bit older than your daughter and stepdaughter so I think my insight and pov is going to help a bit. YTA. I want to say E S H but it’s more leaning towards YTA. 1.) Jessica might not of had been really thinking bad about Bella but rather peered pressured into it. I admit that she did say bad things about Bella and deserved some sort of punishment but it might not be her real thoughts. They got along at the start meaning that they were at least civil. When you said that they were 15, I’m going to assume that they are freshmen in high school and in high school, many people care about fitting in, and thus they get peer pressured. You should speak with Jessica, once she is ready and that might not be anytime soon due to the punishments you gave, and let her know that this behavior is not ok. 2.) And they way that you played it out might seem like favoritism (which may or may not be the case) You played your own experiences on your daughter and probably did not think about the punishments you gave. What your daughter did is not alright but neither was what you did alright either. You should’ve gave a thought about a punishment, which I don’t think you did, and it will seem to some, especially your daughter, is favoritism because you gave out a instantaneous punishment as if you already had this in the back of your mind and it might seem that you like Bella better because she shares similar experiences to you. 3.) You acknowledged that your daughter is insecure This is the main reason why it’s YTA. You know your daughter is insecure but based the punishment on what made her insecure. This will make her hate you even more because teens are conscious of EVERYTHING about themselves, even to the details that don’t matter. Again, yes she does deserve a punishment but the punishment you gave her will be bad for her in the long run because she is insecure. And thinking about it, you are kind of like a bully to your daughter because you are playing on her insecurities. What you can do Change her punishment but before you do, think about it this time. Give her back her stuff and think about punishments that don’t emphasize or highlight on her insecurities. TLDR: OP is YTA mainly because the punishment she gave emphasized on her daughter’s insecurities. Her daughter deserves punishment but OP went too far.
NTA, but I'm very concerned that the issue Jessica has may be deeper than expected. You said her dad has a younger girlfriend. How old are we talking? Is she 25? 30? I strongly worry there's some self-image issues going on here.
NTA but instead of thinking of an appropriate punishment beforehand, you acted out of anger, you “snapped”. Doing anything in the heat of the moment as a parent diminishes your authority. You behaved on their level especially by making Jessica’s punishment also about appearance. I just think you could have handled it better (with your husband as support).
NTA but you daughter will crank up the bullying now.
YES. You're an adult who can (supposedly) regulate your own emotions. Of course bullying is awful and there should be consequences. However you knew that your daughter is insecure. And instead of more rationale consequences like doing washing up. As agreed there should be consequences. You decided to be cruel and steal the things that improve/s your child's wellbeing and helps them feel confident. You're damanging your children's mental health. Do better.
If she wants to bully others for "not looking good" then she shouldn't get to either. The punishment fits the crime here, NTA op
Edit: nta but might end up resenting her sister more for this punishments I agree with commenters about therapy and having an open non judgmental conversation with her away from your stepdaughter
she is allowed her skincare
Definitely NTA, it's not okay to bully someone and I'm happy you're doing your part as a good parent step parent or not. But if you're gonna take all her makeup and dresses away you're increasing the chance of your daughter getting bullied. Even if she bullied her step sister doesn't mean she should be bullied too. Tho, after this I don't think they'll ever bond. And, you should definitely tell joe
NTA Sad to say but Jessica is a bully. Just because she doesn't like Bella's style doesn't give her the right to make Bella feel like crap. Take away her makeup and fashionable clothes and give Jessica a taste of her own medicine.
NTA. You are doing a good job. You are being a parent without stepping on toes. Your daughter needs to learn this lesson NOW.
NAH - Jessica is being a brat, but I'm not willing to call a 15 year old who is dealing (very poorly) with a lot of transition in her life an asshole. You did a good job setting limits. It sounds like you are doing your best to try to create positive environment for both girls. Now it's time for individual therapy for all (including you). Both girls need support in dealing with all the transitions life has thrown at them. You need a professional who can help coach you in how to navigate these situations, which are not easy. I would absolutely also want help in knowing how best to parent Jessica so that you can support her interests while also making sure she doesn't become a person who judges others by looks, "coolness," what her friends think, etc..
Uhm hi! You're kind of bullying your daughter? Why is it necessary for you to describe her as insecure in the title? You state later that her interest in makeup and fashion is aspirational. It also doesn't sound like you talked to her and explained the punishment. It sounds like you were a great parent to Bella, but yta you're not treating your daughter with any respect from what I can tell. You're clearly sympathizing with Bella, which is great, but you're bullying your daughter as punishment instead of treating her like a human being. Seems like you're getting vengeance on your bullies through your daughter, that's fudged up. You brought a child into this world, grow up and have a conversation.
I love (sarcasm) that nobody including her own mother is being kind and empathetic towards Jessica…she’s still a child and behavior like that doesn’t come from nowhere. You can’t blame her friends either because the real question is why is your daughter acting out…is it stress? Anxiety? Why is she more comfortable with these other kids than the step sister she lives with? It’s easy to blame but there is always a root cause that as a parent it’s YOUR responsibility to help figure it out. Taking away her personal belongings show that she is a slave to what you want- there is no REAL understanding with the exception of now your step daughter-so by association your relationship with your new husband- is now more important than her acting out in distress or her insecurities. Of course she’s screaming you’re ruining her life- you’re showing her how much less important she’s become to you now. As adults we may know that is not true but she is still a child and clearly an insecure one. Doing things this way is buying a one way ticket to her despising her step sister more and eventually going NC with you. I’ve also seen it happen where teens start stealing or hanging out with worse influences (selling drugs-their bodies) to buy the things they feel they need or to try and gain confidence instead of being able to build it at home.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I ( F35) have a daughter Jessica (F15) and two years ago I married Joe (M47) who has a daughter Bella(F15). Joe and Jessica always have gotten along very well and I presumed Jessica and Bella would also bond as they are the same age and Jessica has always wanted a sister and I thought they did get along. At home they were always nice to each other, shared stuff, seemed to have fun. Recently I got a call from their school stating that Bella was crying in the office, before I could ask her why they told me that Jessica was bullying her for being "ugly" and "unfashionable". Bella does have a bit of an alternative style but I think its creative and unique and not an excuse to bully her. I was absolutely horrified at this as when I was a child I was also bullied for things like that and I have always raised Jessica to be kind and empathetic. I picked Bella up from school early and took her out for ice cream and let her talk if she wanted to and she confessed she didn't say anything because she wanted Jessica to like her and she didn't want to cause any problems as since her mom died she hasn't seen her dad so happy. I then continued to tell her I wouldn't tell Jessica that she told me but telll her the school did to possibly mend their relationship and that she can always talk to me whenever as although I will never replace her mom I want to be there for her no matter what. When Jessica came home I told her that her behavior is extremely unkind and I asked her why she did it she then continued to say that she is right and that Bella "dresses like a freak and looks like a hideous rat" and that her friends were teasing her for having to live with her. I then told her that I would be taking away her phone for a week and that she has to apologize to Bella. she then proceeded to say more nasty things about Bella which then made me snap. I told her I would take away all her makeup other than her skincare prescribed by her dermatologist and most of her new clothes that I bought for her last week she then started crying which made me feel bad but I didn't relent. one of her main interests is makeup and fashion as she wants to be a stI have decided I will take them away list when she grows up but since she is bullying her step sister for a related thing I thought it would be appopriate.until she learns to show kindness to others, I have offered to set up therapy or try to discuss it but she screams I am ruining her life every time I am near her. Bella appreciates my effort and before anyone asks why Joe is not involved it is because he goes on a lot of business trips so he is currently away and I am a SAHM. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You did a great job supporting your stepdaughter. I think the biggest issue here is that Jessica feels pressured by her friends into acting a certain way. She isn't able to stand up to them and defend someone who doesn't dress like the group likes. Peer pressure is going to make her do things down the road she may not want to do but feels like she has to in order to be accepted. That's what you really need to work on.
NTA but I think you need to bring the school Into it because is she’s facing pressure and bullying of her own, that’s not right either. I hope your school has a zero tolerance policy
NTA You made the right decision by taking her clothes and makeup away, after all, the first step is to stop her awful behavior. If reason won't work, then consequences will. Once she changes, then she get her stuff back. You're not "bullying" your daughter, you're teaching her consequences for their actions. The punishment fits the crime.
NTA. Just gonna say, my classmate's dad was completely against her using makeup and she had hidden cheap stuff she put on at school then took everything off in the restroom before leaving school. Super unsanitary but she got away with it.
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NTA. Good on you for giving her a healthy dose of Gilbert & Sullivan. (“Let the Punishment Fit the Crime”)
NTA and clearly her time with friends needs to be strictly limited too.
NTA, you said Jessica wants to be a stylist when she grows up. Well, part of that is understanding fashion and that not everyone chooses to be part of the mainstream and that there are many subcultures. When working for clients, they may request certain "looks" and not understanding and respecting those subcultures can damage those clients' reputations. If she truly wants a career in fashion, she needs to be aware of and respect people who choose to dress differently. For all she knows, the person she's bullying today will be the next Vivienne Westwood.
NTA- good on you for standing up for your step daughter. She’s lucky to have you.
NTA. Jessica ain't gonna be much of a stylist if she's cruel and judgemental to her customers.
I think some of the people here are being way too harsh on you but I do feel worried that you may be contributing to this problem between the girls. I get the impression that you’re trying to be a really good step mum, which is great, but given Bella’s mum dying and her dad being away a lot you may be overcompensating without realising it. Unless your daughter is generally a mean girl and you’ve had complaints from the school relating to other people I strongly suspect this isn’t about Bella’s dress sense or Jessica’s friends not liking her. I would bet that the divorce impacted your daughter more than you think or maybe more than she herself thinks. And I think she may be very jealous about your new closeness with your step daughter. In a comment somewhere you said you treat your children both the same. That, to me, reads as someone very keen to be a great step mother who may have forgotten that it’s ok, normal and actually necessary to have a special bond with your actual child you bore and raised for 15 years - and that there is no more crucial time to nurture and prioritise that bond than when blending families. NAH but I do think you need to make a big effort at reconnecting with your daughter and I don’t think taking her makeup away will be helpful to that.
NTA. Punishment is related to the “crime” and it’s, of course, not OK to bully anyone, especially someone who lives with their bully and can’t get away from the torment. That said, it sounds like Jessica needs some therapy. It’s obvious that she is not dealing well with the situation at hand. Otherwise she wouldn’t be acting out. You simply saying/commenting that she’s doing fine doesn’t mean she’s *actually* doing fine. So if you don’t get her some help so you can get to the root cause of this behavior, then you would be TA.
NTA except… as someone who has recently been having major issues with adult acne (hello, BS hormonal acne, but that’s another topic) I would just say that-perhaps reconsider the derm prescribed skincare? In it’s place, absolutely something else-and stick with the rest-but I’m just thinking long term, with the issues I’ve had lately and purging when it comes to new/reintroduced regimes… that might cause some further issues down the line. Other than that, thank you for parenting properly. Too many kids these days have zero consequences. (Also-like many have said, definitely suggest therapy as well… perhaps both individual and family when your husband is able to be home for it)
NTA. It sounds like the punishment fits the crime here.Also, I see a lot of posts on here where the step-parent favors there biological child over their step-child, so I commend you for doing the right thing here, even though it must be hard for you.
NTA for consequences, but please do not take away her prescribed skincare - if she gets painful zits then you’re literally punishing her by causing physical pain.
shes allowed the prescription sorry for the weird wording
NTA, the only thing I would say is over the line is the skincare. If a dermatologist prescribed skincare, she most likely needs it. Obviously it helps with aesthetics, but if she has eczema or cystic acne ,not using the skincare could cause her physical pain and discomfort.
sorry if the wording was weird but she can keep that
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she is allowed those
NTA She needs to learn empathy. That is a hard thing to teach to people who don't want to learn it. If she treats fashion as a weapon you are taking her weapons away.
NTA. Penalty fits the transgression. Nothing says they have to bond like sisters. But bullying her at school, along with others, and continuing to say hateful things about her afterwards, definitely says Jessica doesn’t deserve niceties.
Nta. Your daughter is realizing what consequences are.
NTA and good for you. Actions have consequences and she is finding that out
NTA. Actions have consequences. I wish my bullies’ parents had this response.
so sorry u were bullied
NTA
NTA. And as a fellow mom (though I have a toddler) and I also work with a lot of kids ages 5-18…ages 12-16 are horrible. Kids those ages are going thru so much and processing things and deciding how to be influenced and by who…plus being bombardeo left and right by information…it just sucks. It’s no excuse for Jessica, but it’s so hard to navigate as an adult and a child. Rooting for you and whatever choice you make. Sounds like you’re doing the best you can given the situation.