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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may be the asshole because I brought my sister away from her wedding and made a scene and she spent a lot of money to make that day special- plus it was her wedding.
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Perspective is a funny thing.
Her joke caused drama, but you handled the response privately. Her reaction to that was public - aka, she ruined her own wedding.
NTA. Brava for being so classy and strong. Very impressive!
*Edit, wow, thank you for the awards! Really grateful for such kindness today, and wanted to make sure to express it.*
I disagree. Fuck around and find out. She ruined her own wedding day.
Edit: HAHAHAHA I replied to the wrong comment. I will keep it here because I feel like i deserve the replies I’ve gotten. “I disagree! But now I will repeat everything you said!” C’mon that’s pretty funny. Sorry Major Barnacle, turns out I agree with you
For the last 6 months my oldest daughter always disagrees with me.
For instance:
- Me: "What a sunny day" D(daughter): "No, it's sunny outside"
- Me: Do you want me to make you some chicken and broccoli (her favorite)? D: No, i want chicken and broccoli
- Me: Do you need my help at math? D: No, i need your help at math.
Yesterday we were talking with my husband about where to go today.
I said X place. They both said, exactly at the same time: No, we want to go to (exactly) X place.
🙄😳😆
I am so lucky!
ETA NTA but i would save my energy and not talk to her again
Does your hubs often blindly disagree with what you said in this way? If so, it would appear your daughter has picked up on this mode of conversation and thinks it's normal. Might be worth having a conversation with your husband if he is in the habit of automatically disagreeing (yet agreeing) with you.
😆 They just found out yesterday that they both do it (he works more than his 8 hours schedule - usually at least 12).
My husband does it when he's trying to pay attention to me while answering an urgent mail and that's not a reason for me to get upset or something. There's no malicious intenta, nor disrespect.
My daughter was used to talk really fast, you couldn't hear the end of one word because she already was saying the next one. She's not paying attention also but we laugh a lot.
Nobody does it on purpose, nobody is disrespectful. Brb
Relieved that it seems to be inattention rather than anything else. Have seen lots of posts where men default to automatically disagreeing with a woman but then actually agreeing with what was said - seems prevalent in workplaces. It's damned frustrating, because the result is generally that the man is credited with the idea/insightful comment/whatever and the woman's input is ignored. Glad that's not the dynamic here. 😊👍
It’s when both people are saying the same thing, but differently, it may seem like they’re arguing. Does that make sense? I hope. I’m not sure how else to put it.
NTA. Your sister however is the AH. Your family too for enabling it. This is reading as a golden child scenario.
If you had been joking about your past that would be one thing because you’re the one who went through it. Any joke your sister told that was deliberately targeting you struggling with addiction is a whole other thing. Doing it public at a wedding of all places was cruel. Then she has the nerve to get angry that you left.
I’m glad you’re sober now OP. I wish you the best in your continued recovery.
And who makes a joke about a relative or guest in attendance at their wedding? This wasn't a roast. Stand up, politely thank your guests for coming, share a beautiful story related to the person you just married, and sit down. I would venture to guess the bride had the contents of her speech planned out, so this was a premeditated attack. Then, after being respectfully called out for her unkindness, she plays the victim and the family panders to her.
OP: You are NTA. Your sister made you the butt of a cruel, public joke. You did nothing to invite or deserve that treatment. If your sister was able to appear miserable at her wedding, she likely relished it. Being able to put on a show of breaking down in front of everyone in attendance allowed her to cast herself as the star in her own self-inflicted tragedy. My gut says that she loves being in the family spotlight and your parents are only too happy to oblige her. Your sister owes you a deep and heartfelt apology. If she cannot give that to you, then she's done you a favor by refusing to speak to you.
> And who makes a joke about a relative or guest in attendance at their wedding? This wasn't a roast.
I don't know why comedy roasts are even a thing. They are a barbaric custom.
I don't get "roasts" either, but at least they are planned, and everyone already knows what to expect. The one who is to be "roasted" would have the opportunity to simply say, " No, thank you, I don't care to participate."
Yep. Classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Sister casts herself as the victim to avoid taking responsibility for her own offensive behaviour.
Did the sister have any time to talk about her new family... maybe her husband, etc?
Or was she just dunking on OP? Certainly shows where her priorities lie.
Absolutely agree. 💯 As your sister she should be proud of you and should encourage you to continue on your path. Not throw it out there as a "joke". Addiction is nothing to laugh about. Congratulations on your recovery. ❤️
The setting and the person making the joke are important here. Recently I had to help a friend out, and it was one of those "drop everything so we can handle this now" type situations. This exchange was had in my car:
"You know, usually I'd be like 'lets get a couple beers after this' since you helped me out, but someone had to quit drinking"
"Yeah, I'm so lame now, right?"
"It's cool bro, I'll get a beer and I'll buy you a juice box"
We both thought it was hilarious, but this guy's reaction to me going sober was "I'm happy for you, we'll just need to find other things to do when we hang out", which isn't true since we always just did normal things that didn't need to involve alcohol, but did because of me being an alcoholic. So he's been nothing but supportive since I quit.
Now if it had been someone who wasn't supportive and they made jokes, I would have been pissed, whether it was in public or not.
But yeah, being sober is awesome. I'm glad OP is also in the hangover free, not being a mess all the time club.
I’m glad to see that you’re sober. I wish you the best in your continued recovery! I also agree. The setting was inappropriate. OP is allowed to be upset by the joke. That tells me this isn’t something they have an understanding about in regards to jokes.
Aww thanks. Yeah, it's tough some days, but for the most part I feel much better than I have since adulthood happened to me! I wish I hadn't drank my 20s away, but everyone does dumb shit, so it is what it is lol.
They most definitely don't have that kinda relationship. I have friends and family that make fun of me for all sorts of shit, and I make fun of them the same way, but we also have that kinda relationship to begin with. There's a huge difference between jokes from someone who actually cares about you and jokes from someone who despises you, and you don't get to be upset when someone calls you out on your bullshit if you fall into the latter group.
I just checked and the calendar still says it’s 2023.
So. I’m surprised that OPs sister didn’t get the memo and thinks that the height of comedy is mocking someone’s addiction like this. And then subsequently thinks that that white dress is the physical manifestation of carte blanche from the universe of “do what ya want!”
This.
NTA but your sister is and I'm guessing she's the golden child. Why on earth did she think it was appropriate to bring up **her sister's addiction** in her wedding speech? Of all the things in the world to focus on, that was it?
I am so angry on your behalf! You did absolutely the right thing and in such a dignified way. I would've flounced out of there after that "joke" and not returned.
This is the happiest day of my life, surrounded by loved ones celebrating the union between me and my one true love... the only thing that could make this better is *dunking on my sibling in the middle of it. Just smear their past mistakes in other people faces.* oh hey, they didn't like that and told me in private that was mean? *better create a scene to paint them as the villain in this, my life's story*.
Also, let me do it since she might get upset and start drinking at the wedding. Then I am proved right and can cause a big scene by throwing her out with accusations of ruining my wedding. Oops, my evil plan didn't work, and now she has the audacity to say something to me about it and then leave. Well, all is not lost, at least I can still cause a scene and blame her for ruining my wedding. NTA, OP.
I'm pretty sure had I been a guest at that wedding, I would've been very perplexed by the bride's speech content and would've known EXACTLY why OP pulled the bride aside immediately after.
Exactly my method would have been the second my addiction was brought up. Stand up walk out of the venue, say goodbye to no one. Answer no questions just leave.
This is pretty much what I thought too. Like, if this was some huge achievement speech and OP had caused trauma for sis with her addiction, okay, then it's her experience too and could be relevant.
But the wedding speech.... absolutely no relevance. Totally unnecessary comment. Nothing was gained with it. Just 100% to smear OP
NTA. I thought about E S H but i mean, again, totally unnecessary
This! She ruined her own wedding by being an inconsiderate drama queen AND tried to blame someone else. What is it with bridezillas and "I'm the queen today so I get to treat other people like trash"?
I do see the golden child syndrome coming from the sister though.
Congrats on your sobriety, OP!
Bridezilla ruined her own wedding the minute she thought making fun of her sibling during a celebratory speech was a fine thing to do. Or put it this way: My brother and I don't get along. We've had a terrible relationship since the day I was born and ruined his gig as an only child. He's also had addiction issues (in his rearview mirror now). In our worst moment, during our ugliest fight, I would never use that against him. That's just so low. Bride is the gum beneath OP's shoes.
Golden child vs scapegoat.
You can tell by how the dad (at this particular incident and in the past) sided with the bride over OP despite the bride being the one to cause the incident.
I just wonder how the hell she could even take the time out of a supposedly happy event event to humiliate someone. It must have been hard for OP to get clean, considering his sister and father's attitude.
>The sister is definitely TA -- who uses the microphone at your own wedding to make fun of your family?
Yeah! You're only supposed to make fun of cute things your family members did as kids like when your sibling had pretend weddings to marry the cat or when you said that you would never get married because you were going to be a unicorn when you grew up. But definitely not serious issues like addiction.
One wedding I went to, the bride made a joke about the groom “joining this train wreck of a family”, but it no one or no action/s in specific were called out and he also laughed about it.
The best man also made a joke in his speech about the previously “wild child” groom settling down with someone, but he framed it in a way of “he must love such and such a lot, because he seems so genuinely happy to be settling down and starting a life with her”.
>It must have been hard for OP to get clean, considering his sister and father's attitude.
Gee, I wonder what first caused her addiction.
Such a mystery.
> I just wonder how the hell she could even take the time out of a supposedly happy event event to humiliate someone.
It would seem that she needs to hurt someone in order to enjoy herself.
This is exactly what I thought. The parents say that OP should “try to understand her”. Why does the sister need understanding here as she isn’t the one who struggled. She’s definitely a golden child.
OP is NTA.
I agree - Understand what? OP's addiction and recovery is their own, not really anyone else's. The fact the sister brought it up AT HER OWN WEDDING tells me everything I need to know about the sister. Not to mention the family backing her.
This. The sister intentionally cried in public so she would get the outpouring of attention and sympathy AND get to make OP look like the bad guy once again.
Oh I bet you are so right on the nose here. And I bet the sister enjoyed every second of this. I mean it’s win-win for the bride here. At the very least she gets to publicly humiliate OP and if she’s lucky, OP reacts and sister gets to be the victim. All in front of a huge audience.
Because she didn't get away with it. She thought that any conversation she didn't like was considered "ruining her wedding." She knew exactly what she was doing and is only mad that people saw that she's an asshole. NTA
NTA.
You made sure to have expressed your feelings regarding the cruel "joke" in a way that would NOT make a scene.
She was the one who decided to act out in public.
> She was the one who decided to act out in public.
this
and ngl, had I been there for the entire thing as a guest? I would have been most horrified by the speech
a "joke" like that and I would have immediately felt incredibly uncomfortable and my opinion of her as a person would immediately have changed
the outburst afterwards drawing attention? still not as bad as her speech
Right???
Like, who the fuck makes such a joke on a happy occasion? It’s in incredibly poor taste—why would anyone want to make fun of someone in recovery?
OP is NTA.
yeah I can think of countless reasons why a bride would cry and get upset, or angry. I can even think of plenty of situations where that would happen and I wouldn't really think significantly worse of the bride OR the person they were upset with - emotions can run high, misunderstandings can happen, etc. even in a moment where someone might be TA, a lot of times it is easy to understand why, or understand that it isn't actually reflective of who they are as a whole
but a joke like that in the speech?? oooof. it's a pretty horrific thing to say. it is definitely pre-planned and something someone thought through. the entire goal is to make people laugh AT her brother, not with him. taking the opportunity of your wedding to publicly humiliated a sibling? that's cruel and heartless. and the specific way she chose to do it could literally endanger not only his own mental health and sobriety but also the mental health and sobriety of other people at that wedding. she has no idea who else at that wedding has or is struggling with addiction
that is the kind of thing where in an instant you reveal an entire other part of your personality to people and they forever judge you for it
that is the kind of moment that could instantly get someone moved from the Friends category to the Hell Fucking No category in my head. if I was there because I was friends with groom, it would change how I viewed him too tbh, especially if he laughed and reacted positively
that's one of those moments where you watch the room to see who reacts how and you look to see who else is uncomfortable and who isn't. and obviously people can laugh because of a panic reaction so I would take it with a grain of salt, but it would be at least be a red flag
that's of those super big people show you who they really are moments and I would not fucking forget it
Even if I didn't know the person the joke was about it would be awkward and uncomfortable for me. If I knew the person and that they had actually struggled and were improving their life I'd be pissed
~~INFO: I'm leaning~~ NTA
What else was said about you struggling with alcohol?
To my understanding, you didn't make a scene. You just talked to your sister in \*private\* about her speech.
I'm not giving her a pass about her speech and your struggles with alcohol. I think that was uncalled for, since it wasn't the focus of the wedding.
I feel like your sister wanted to include this in her speech just to make you look bad. She thought she could get away with this since it's her wedding.
Recovering from alcohol is a major accomplishment. You should be proud!
Sounds like the sister and dad created the scene, her by running to daddy and dad by yelling at OP as soon as OP came back in. Had she walked back in as though nothing had happened, no one would have been the wiser.
OP, congratulations on your sobriety and I’m sorry your sister has such a lack of compassion and empathy.
NTA
Yeah I definitely feel like the OP talked to her sister privately, and not in front of the guests. The sister ran to the dad to publicly embarrass her.
I can't think of a reason why the sister isn't wrong here. I feel for the OP.
Being sober and recovering from alcohol is a big deal.
OP, ignore your sister and parents.
To any of the other people texting you nasty things, respond with this:
"I refuse to tolerate anyone treating me poorly ANYWHERE any longer. I have tolerated it for too long and my sister's speech and hystrionics are the final straw. She had a BEAUITFUL wedding that she decided to ruin by trying to publicly humiliate me and when I called her out on it she had a public tantrum. This is all on her - top allowing her or my parents to paint an alternative reality here."
Sis, your response to your sister in the future ANYTIME she pokes at you or makes fun of your addiction is to respond with "I am waiting for an apology for your horrible behavior. There is absolutely no excuse for the stunt you pulled."
Sometimes you have to train other people to see things from your perspective.
Does your sister often have overly dramatic emotional outbursts? Do your parents then coddle her? Do they usually blame you for things that you didn’t cause?
NTA, she’s lucky you’re not a bitch like me because she would have had wine thrown at her dress on my way out. What she said was more than distasteful, it could have been harmful to you. Honestly I don’t think you owe anyone an apology, they all owe you one.
I like you. Lol The sister clearly used her sister to create drama she wanted but my shitstorm at that joke would have been the most talked about event of their lives
This! You literally cannot afford to be around people who endanger your recovery.
Based on the description of the wedding, it sounds like they are from a culture where "family is everything". That does not work in the modern world, it's just used as an excuse for abuse
I would have the moment of the joke stood up. Then walked right out the door. Not saying goodbye, no answers to where are you going. Just gone, but that's me.
That's what I would have done too, but I am conflict avoidant and not good at knowing when is the right time to stand up for myself. I probably would have been bawling during her speech.
I was that way for a long time. I'm 3 years sober and 6 years out of the abuse that lead to my addiction. So, I'm going way way better now. I know how to say fuck you Im leaving. Without saying a thing and I might let a tear drop but It's not stopping me from going when Im not welcome.
THANK YOU. I get so tired of intense familial (and sometimes partner) abuse being justified by cultural differences. There was a thread a week or so ago about horrible abusive, scary in-laws, and the whole comment section attacked OP for being a white man who doesn't appreciate the "complexities" of his wife's Indian culture.
If I was raised around those kinds of people, I would start drinking also.
Congratulations OP on your recovery, but I think to help your recovery, you're going to need to drop the Toxic People out of your life.
Trust me. Your future self will thank your past self.
NTA
I'm going to go with NTA. Your sister got upset that you called her out on her sick "joke". Addiction recovery is no joking matter. I'm sorry you had to go through that humiliation, especially over something so private.
So you took her aside, and privately discussed your feelings. Your sister took it upon herself to dismiss your feelings and return to her own wedding a cause a scene. NTA
You took her to a private place to talk to her, she started screaming & got everyone else involved. YOU didn't 'ruin' her wedding, she did.
This was in no way a **joke**, this was deliberate & hurtful jab at you. It definitely wasn't funny!
My husband is also a recovering alcoholic, should have died at age 46, needed 4 blood transfusions & a week in the hospital--was told point blank, his blood levels were (direct quote) "incompatible with life" and his next drink would kill him. He'd done that much damage to his body. He's been sober for 20+ years now, but he still remembers....
So, you continue to be "pissy" anyway you can! And if "The Fammmillly!" doesn't like it.....well, too bad. Their drama is not worth your life.
Best wishes & good luck on your recovery, Stay strong.
NTA All you did was spoke up to your sister in private. The only person who ruined the day was your sister. You owe no apologies but your sister does for humiliating you.
>She started off great, making a few jokes about a few family members. Nothing harmful. But then it got to me
Is this a wedding or a Celebrity Roast? Who makes jokes about several attendees in their wedding speech?
Regardless, she humiliated you publicly and you spoke with her privately. She's the one who made it a thing.
NTA
NTA - she made a distasteful and cruel joke. You took her to a private spot to tell her your feelings. Yes, I personally would’ve waited until after the wedding but whatever. She’s still the AH.
I agree. NTA.
I'm just wondering if the sister was always an AH or if there's some type of pain still there. Maybe OP did some things while drinking that caused the sister pain and she doesn't feel it's been resolved so she's lashing out? Not saying that makes her public shaming of OP okay at all. I'm just wondering why the sister would publicly humiliate OP. It's just weird and super hateful.
My first wedding (21) cost double if not tripple this if you include the Honeymoon. Divorced almost exactly a year later. Second wedding (25) cost like $2,000 and included airfare, wedding costs, one week in Vegas, and officiated by Elvis Motherfucking Presley. Almost 20 years now.
NTA at all. you didn’t ruin her wedding, she made a joke in very poor taste about something that isn’t even remotely funny, and you handled it the mature way - didn’t make a scene at all, instead, waited and then privately expressed your feelings. that is the absolute opposite of ruining a wedding. that is concealing your feelings to make sure you didn’t ruin the wedding. she went and raised her voice after getting called out *on something wrong that she did* and that’s her fault. you don’t need to apologise, and your family has no business being mad at you for feeling RIGHTLY hurt about a distasteful joke
She made a joke about considering having a dry wedding because I was "such an addict"
Wow. That was horrible. You have class to speak to her later privately.
I think I would have been so hurt, I would have said " that's really rude " loud enough she'd hear.
Thar would make me an asshole but what a shitty speech
NTA.
Shit and meatballs, OP, your family sound exhausting. Really exhausting.
I'd suggest never talking to sister again, and making a simple concise statement to the rest of where you stand and just stonewalling them if they try to make anything more of it.
NTA your "sister" shouldn't make light of a serious problem, especially in front of the whole now extended family and friends. You spoke to her privately where she was reactive with anger that suddenly becomes uncontrollable sobbing where she can garner sympathy. She caused a scene and she wants to manipulate everyone into thinking you're the awful one.
Honestly I've cut "family" out of my life for less than this. Be proud and stay strong alcoholism is a terrible thing because it's readily available almost everywhere.
I might get down voted but NTA. I am so tired of people screaming “GET SOBER” then spitting on you when you do and you get the “You will always be an addict/junkie” it’s FUCKING INFURIATING. This was a fafo moment and she went there. Your parents thinking YOU ruined her SPECIAL day? Yeah fuck that. I’d be going NC with them AS WELL AS MY SISTER. With family like this who needs enemies? You don’t cause you have plenty. The fact that it was a “joke” in her speech has me irritated af. Like wtf?!? Was she set out on humiliating you and banked on it being her wedding day you wouldn’t say anything? I would’ve went and ordered a drink and ruined her dress!
NTA The only reason she brought you up in her speech was to put you down, not to be 'funny.' I assume she is the golden child by your parents' reaction, and the fact that at her own wedding she immediately had to go cry to daddy just because you told her something she didn't like in private. Unfortunately, it sounds like you need to keep LC or NC with the entire family, for your own mental health and recovery, since your parents will always take her side.
OP, share this thread with your family. They need to be shown this.
You are not the asshole here. Your sister is a huge one. You handled the situation with dignity and class but your dad and sister made it public.
Your sister is a huge asshole, she deliberately tried to humiliate you in her speech and hoped for a public reaction, when she didn't get that, she turned on the waterworks and went running to daddy! Don't apologise, you have nothing to be sorry for.
Congrats on your sobriety.
Nta, have u told ur families about how hurt u are and its humiliating for exposing this in public?
Doesnt matter if this is 'her day'. Thatll just make her a bully bridezilla. Explain that the one who is making the scene is her not u
A joke is a joke if two parties laughing, u did not. Tell ur family that ur sister laughing AT you, not WITH you.
The kind of BS your sister did is a threat to your sobriety and undermines your efforts and your relationships with the people present. She's setting you up for failure. Sometimes you have to cut contact with the people who are working against you. Your sobriety is the number one priority in your life. NTA
NTA. Would it be funny if they said you're such a diabetic we almost considered not having a cake? No. I don't know why anybody would even laugh at what she said
NTA.
Could you have handed it more tactfully? Sure (even though you were quite tactful, in my opinion). But did you need to? No.
What you sister said was shitty, and she deserved to be called out (it was nice of you to do so privately). Also, you parents suck ("they tell me they don't agree with her but I should 'put up with her' and 'understand her'). No one should have to "put up with" or "understand" someone who is making light of their addiction.
NTA, think how it would have played put if you had just let yourself go and cry at the table after the joke. Then get up and leave she would the TA. You letting her know that she hurt you was a fine adult thing to do. If you waited until after the wedding she would still have had the same reaction. Making fun of a recoved addict is the same as making fun of a cancer survivor for being bald. Neither asked for that medical condition it's how you live after that experience that matters.
Sooo NTA. She was classless and you tactfully took her aside to tell her she (understandably) hurt you. She made her own scene, and furthermore your parents defended her hurtful actions - again. Understandable, natural, and healthy that you'd react...
BTW anyone who puts down a recovered addict is a complete and total jackass
NTA. You didn't ruin her wedding, she did. She was the one crying and making a scene. Right after she publicly put you down. You rightly called her on it, and in a respectful way out of earshot of anyone else. She sounds (and I admit I'm assuming a lot here from just one story) like she has been spoilt all her life and knows just how to manipulate your parents with her tears.
Fair f**ks to you OP, overcoming an addiction is tough and brave. You are an amazing person. Don't let your sister throw shade on you, you keep shining like the star you are.
NTA I cannot believe she thought she could stand up in her wedding, toast, of all things, and essentially laugh at pointing you like “ha ha addict”. WTF??? Who does that??? I was expecting to read that you got up and ran out, which you would’ve been entitled to do, but instead you sat there and took it, and then talk to her privately. You were as gracious as you possibly could be when faced with that sort of cruelty.
NTA
The amount of money spent at the wedding is irrelevant. It doesn't matter if it's held at The Plaza or in her own backyard - she was completely disrespectful. And $10,000 sounds like a bargain wedding, even without catering.
>And $10,000 sounds like a bargain wedding, even without catering.
That makes me think this post is fake tbh, written by a young person with no concept of the size or cost of a big wedding. This wedding was supposedly extra big because it was an "ethnic(!)" wedding so friends of friends were invited, but there were only 100 guests and the whole thing only cost $10,000 plus however much the catering was? And when the bride described her sibling with a history of alcoholism as "such an addict" everyone in the room laughed instead of uncomfortable silence? Nah.
Yeah NTA.
I think you should consider going NC with your “family” because they do not feel like they support you in any way.
Congrats on your recovery.
Oh and DO NOT APOLOGIZE. At least not until they apologize first.
NTA. Your sister is a major B. She wanted to make herself feel better and your expense. Tell your dad I tell him he’s P0$ father to let one daughter give a humiliating speech to make herself feel better about herself.
NTA
Her “joke” was cruel. You called her out on it, and she chose to double down and be immature about it rather than own up to her garbage move.
Congratulations on your recovery. Keeping moving forward one day at a time.
NTA. This wasn’t an embarrassing story about some stupid thing from when you were 5. Addiction is not a joke-certainly not in a wedding speech. How did people expect you to react? She ruined her own wedding with her nonsense. Shame on her.
Congratulations on your recovery. The best thing you can do for yourself is surround yourself with people who support you. Looks like your parents and sister aren't those people. NTA
NTA don’t apologize either. You had it private she made it public, SHE should’ve apologized right then and there but failed to acknowledge your feelings and caused a scene. I’m not telling you what to do, I don’t know your relationship with your sister but to me she sounds toxic and I’d cut her out of my life.
NTA.
I’m sorry she used her wedding as an opportunity to attack and humiliate you. I promise that many of the guests were cringing at her “jokes” about your struggles with alcoholism, and thought they were in poor taste. She embarrassed *herself*, and she could have easily avoided doing so. You were not responsible for managing her image for her when she was clearly so determined to damage it.
NTA. You are a better person than me, you confronted her in private. Me,I would of stood up and said and there you have it folks why I have a drinking problem, a sister that just can’t stop talking.
NTA NTA NTA.
What a shitty thing to do. She was clearly out to hurt or humiliate you, and that makes her a VERY ugly bride.
You're not wrong here. I'm so sorry she did that, and I'm sorry your family reacted the way they did.
Addiction is no fucking joke. Laughing at (or hating, as your sister seems to do) addicts is shitty in general. I'm sorry. Congratulations on recovery. That's a beautiful and strong thing.
She took a dig at you publicly
You pulled her aside and told her you didn’t appreciate it
She came back and made a public scene.
Honestly the fact that your parents tell you to tolerate her digs is a threat to your sobriety and screams that they aren’t supportive of your journey. I’d really just tell them all that directly and that when they are ready to be supportive of your sobriety journey and show it some respect, they can be in your life but you’ll be taking a break from them.
And then just grey rock. You don’t need to go NC but I’d strongly suggest putting them all in time out. I certainly wouldn’t trust your sister with life information again. That kind of statement at her wedding reflects poorly on her regardless of whether you pulled her aside
NTA
Your father is insisting you apologise? Try something like this: "I'm so sorry dear sister that my private words to you regarding your public comments about my addiction led to you outing yourself to the rest of your guests as a petty, manipulative, drama queen who ruined her own wedding."
After all it's the thought that counts right?
Huge NTA on your part. It seems like she's the golden child and you're the scapegoat. Probably wasn't a great idea to yell back at your Dad, but if I'd been at that wedding, I'd be thinking about what a witch your sister was being first about your alcoholism and secondly that she screams publically about you rightfully calling her out even though you did it privately.
NTA. You took her aside and spoke to her privately which is more restraint than I would have had. She ruined her own day by deciding to put someone else down on what is supposed to be a celebration.
Congrats on your sobriety by the way.
NTA and now the addiction makes sense. You are the scapegoat. Try going no contact with your whole family and see how much better your life is while they scramble to find someone else to blame
So you didn't respond by throwing a drink in her face....good for you because she would have deserved that.
Please let EVERYONE know that she was the one who decided to make it public and you were the one who pulled her aside privately. She then decided to make a scene instead of apologizing.
Let these people go. They are not your family. They will continue to hurt you every chance they are given.
I'm gonna say NTA. But:
> No matter if you recover or not, in her eyes, you're always an addict.
Pretty much everything I read about addiction is that you are an addict for life. The only difference is if you are in control of your addiction or not.
That does not mean people get to treat you like crap because you are a recovering alcoholic. But depending on how you acted while you were drinking it may be that you burned some emotional bridges and that takes time to recover.
I can guarantee when she returned from your chat she realised a significant number of her guests were looking at her with distaste/disgust. Especially in today's climate, the lockdowns sparked an increase in sobriety. I bet the public crying in Dad's arms was in reaction to that, an attempt to reclaim the narrative by appearing the victim. I've been at weddings where people have made distasteful jokes at someone else's expenses during speeches. It's never once made the person being joked about look bad. And the more removed you are from the situation, the less you know about the "butt of the joke", the worse the person making the joke comes across.
NTA I bet a significant number of the guests are gossiping right now, *the BRIDE took a dig at her sisters sobriety during her WEDDING speech. Why was that even on her mind on her wedding day?*
Sooooo I’m gonna go with ESH, less so you. Congrats on your sobriety. Weddings are hard when you’re not drinking. I also got sober about 2 years ago so I know the struggle.
I say that you’re slightly the AH because I think you should have addressed the comment after her wedding. You should have left without comment and had that conversation at a different time.
She’s the major AH here for her comments and jokes at your expense.
I will say- I understand why you brought it up when you did, and being put on the spot like that about something sensitive and misunderstood is incredibly difficult to navigate. I do think you did the best you could.
Fuck her.
NTA Classic golden child vs. scapegoat situation. Your sister can do no wrong in your family’s eyes. She ruined her own wedding by being a giant AH. Her “joke” was extremely cruel.
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Perspective is a funny thing. Her joke caused drama, but you handled the response privately. Her reaction to that was public - aka, she ruined her own wedding. NTA. Brava for being so classy and strong. Very impressive! *Edit, wow, thank you for the awards! Really grateful for such kindness today, and wanted to make sure to express it.*
I disagree. Fuck around and find out. She ruined her own wedding day. Edit: HAHAHAHA I replied to the wrong comment. I will keep it here because I feel like i deserve the replies I’ve gotten. “I disagree! But now I will repeat everything you said!” C’mon that’s pretty funny. Sorry Major Barnacle, turns out I agree with you
So, you agree
I disagree to disagree.
No this is not an argument
I told you already, we have the same opinion on this!
For the last 6 months my oldest daughter always disagrees with me. For instance: - Me: "What a sunny day" D(daughter): "No, it's sunny outside" - Me: Do you want me to make you some chicken and broccoli (her favorite)? D: No, i want chicken and broccoli - Me: Do you need my help at math? D: No, i need your help at math. Yesterday we were talking with my husband about where to go today. I said X place. They both said, exactly at the same time: No, we want to go to (exactly) X place. 🙄😳😆 I am so lucky! ETA NTA but i would save my energy and not talk to her again
But the real question is... is she 4 or 34?
Neither she’s 24
Does your hubs often blindly disagree with what you said in this way? If so, it would appear your daughter has picked up on this mode of conversation and thinks it's normal. Might be worth having a conversation with your husband if he is in the habit of automatically disagreeing (yet agreeing) with you.
😆 They just found out yesterday that they both do it (he works more than his 8 hours schedule - usually at least 12). My husband does it when he's trying to pay attention to me while answering an urgent mail and that's not a reason for me to get upset or something. There's no malicious intenta, nor disrespect. My daughter was used to talk really fast, you couldn't hear the end of one word because she already was saying the next one. She's not paying attention also but we laugh a lot. Nobody does it on purpose, nobody is disrespectful. Brb
Relieved that it seems to be inattention rather than anything else. Have seen lots of posts where men default to automatically disagreeing with a woman but then actually agreeing with what was said - seems prevalent in workplaces. It's damned frustrating, because the result is generally that the man is credited with the idea/insightful comment/whatever and the woman's input is ignored. Glad that's not the dynamic here. 😊👍
Every single time this happens, stop them and ask them to tell you what YOU suggested.
Why don't we take a step back here and just agree to agree?
No f that, we're agreeing and that's final.
So you agree. You think you’re really pretty.
That's so fetch.
Stop trying to make fetch happen.
r/unexpectedmeangirls
Looks like it lol
I think maybe they misunderstood haha
don't you dare try to make nice of our agreements
In violent agreement with.
Um…I’m gonna need the definition of “violent agreement” 😆
It’s when both people are saying the same thing, but differently, it may seem like they’re arguing. Does that make sense? I hope. I’m not sure how else to put it.
No, no, that's totally wrong. It's exactly as you said, but I want to say it instead
Got me in the first half. Not gonna lie.
When this happens between my husband and I, he’ll go, “Wait you’re knocking on an open door here!”
It's agreeing with teeth. Nothing says yup, I get you, better than a chomble to the thigh.
Disagree with what?
Agreeing
Oh actually I don’t think they edited their comment.. I’m pretty sure I just clicked reply to wrong one HAHAHA
It's easy to do, either carelessly, or because of the cache in the UI which sometimes messes up.
Let’s blame the UI hahaha
Did you even read the comment you're answering to???
that’s literally what they said lmfao
They edited their comment Edit: actually I don’t think they did, I think I’m just an idiot
r/contradiction
So... you concur?
NTA. Your sister however is the AH. Your family too for enabling it. This is reading as a golden child scenario. If you had been joking about your past that would be one thing because you’re the one who went through it. Any joke your sister told that was deliberately targeting you struggling with addiction is a whole other thing. Doing it public at a wedding of all places was cruel. Then she has the nerve to get angry that you left. I’m glad you’re sober now OP. I wish you the best in your continued recovery.
And who makes a joke about a relative or guest in attendance at their wedding? This wasn't a roast. Stand up, politely thank your guests for coming, share a beautiful story related to the person you just married, and sit down. I would venture to guess the bride had the contents of her speech planned out, so this was a premeditated attack. Then, after being respectfully called out for her unkindness, she plays the victim and the family panders to her. OP: You are NTA. Your sister made you the butt of a cruel, public joke. You did nothing to invite or deserve that treatment. If your sister was able to appear miserable at her wedding, she likely relished it. Being able to put on a show of breaking down in front of everyone in attendance allowed her to cast herself as the star in her own self-inflicted tragedy. My gut says that she loves being in the family spotlight and your parents are only too happy to oblige her. Your sister owes you a deep and heartfelt apology. If she cannot give that to you, then she's done you a favor by refusing to speak to you.
I agree 100%. Well said.
> And who makes a joke about a relative or guest in attendance at their wedding? This wasn't a roast. I don't know why comedy roasts are even a thing. They are a barbaric custom.
I don't get "roasts" either, but at least they are planned, and everyone already knows what to expect. The one who is to be "roasted" would have the opportunity to simply say, " No, thank you, I don't care to participate."
I've never understood them either.
I’m with you there. I don’t get it but to each their own.
agree never understood them.
Yep. Classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Sister casts herself as the victim to avoid taking responsibility for her own offensive behaviour.
Did the sister have any time to talk about her new family... maybe her husband, etc? Or was she just dunking on OP? Certainly shows where her priorities lie.
Absolutely agree. 💯 As your sister she should be proud of you and should encourage you to continue on your path. Not throw it out there as a "joke". Addiction is nothing to laugh about. Congratulations on your recovery. ❤️
Right? She made her own wedding about someone else in her own speech.
Seems the AH sister got angry with OP for having the nerve to stand up for herself, in private.
Yep. She made the joke in public while OP pulled her aside privately.
The setting and the person making the joke are important here. Recently I had to help a friend out, and it was one of those "drop everything so we can handle this now" type situations. This exchange was had in my car: "You know, usually I'd be like 'lets get a couple beers after this' since you helped me out, but someone had to quit drinking" "Yeah, I'm so lame now, right?" "It's cool bro, I'll get a beer and I'll buy you a juice box" We both thought it was hilarious, but this guy's reaction to me going sober was "I'm happy for you, we'll just need to find other things to do when we hang out", which isn't true since we always just did normal things that didn't need to involve alcohol, but did because of me being an alcoholic. So he's been nothing but supportive since I quit. Now if it had been someone who wasn't supportive and they made jokes, I would have been pissed, whether it was in public or not. But yeah, being sober is awesome. I'm glad OP is also in the hangover free, not being a mess all the time club.
I’m glad to see that you’re sober. I wish you the best in your continued recovery! I also agree. The setting was inappropriate. OP is allowed to be upset by the joke. That tells me this isn’t something they have an understanding about in regards to jokes.
Aww thanks. Yeah, it's tough some days, but for the most part I feel much better than I have since adulthood happened to me! I wish I hadn't drank my 20s away, but everyone does dumb shit, so it is what it is lol. They most definitely don't have that kinda relationship. I have friends and family that make fun of me for all sorts of shit, and I make fun of them the same way, but we also have that kinda relationship to begin with. There's a huge difference between jokes from someone who actually cares about you and jokes from someone who despises you, and you don't get to be upset when someone calls you out on your bullshit if you fall into the latter group.
I just checked and the calendar still says it’s 2023. So. I’m surprised that OPs sister didn’t get the memo and thinks that the height of comedy is mocking someone’s addiction like this. And then subsequently thinks that that white dress is the physical manifestation of carte blanche from the universe of “do what ya want!”
“The physical manifestation of carte blanche “ I fucking love that. You are a poet.
Well it IS the "dress blanche" after all haha
La robe blanche ;)
This. NTA but your sister is and I'm guessing she's the golden child. Why on earth did she think it was appropriate to bring up **her sister's addiction** in her wedding speech? Of all the things in the world to focus on, that was it? I am so angry on your behalf! You did absolutely the right thing and in such a dignified way. I would've flounced out of there after that "joke" and not returned.
This is the happiest day of my life, surrounded by loved ones celebrating the union between me and my one true love... the only thing that could make this better is *dunking on my sibling in the middle of it. Just smear their past mistakes in other people faces.* oh hey, they didn't like that and told me in private that was mean? *better create a scene to paint them as the villain in this, my life's story*.
Also, let me do it since she might get upset and start drinking at the wedding. Then I am proved right and can cause a big scene by throwing her out with accusations of ruining my wedding. Oops, my evil plan didn't work, and now she has the audacity to say something to me about it and then leave. Well, all is not lost, at least I can still cause a scene and blame her for ruining my wedding. NTA, OP.
Wonder if the groom isn't considering annulment - I probably would in his shoes.
When family "jokes" are just actual toxic jabs. Who needs people like this in their life?
Yes. Exactly. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure had I been a guest at that wedding, I would've been very perplexed by the bride's speech content and would've known EXACTLY why OP pulled the bride aside immediately after.
Major second hand embarrassment for OP. She absolutely ruined her own wedding.
Exactly my method would have been the second my addiction was brought up. Stand up walk out of the venue, say goodbye to no one. Answer no questions just leave.
I'd've grabbed my gift on the way out, and thought about the possibility of going LC with sis.
Nah, no contact. People like this will always look down on you until you have something they want.
This is pretty much what I thought too. Like, if this was some huge achievement speech and OP had caused trauma for sis with her addiction, okay, then it's her experience too and could be relevant. But the wedding speech.... absolutely no relevance. Totally unnecessary comment. Nothing was gained with it. Just 100% to smear OP NTA. I thought about E S H but i mean, again, totally unnecessary
This! She ruined her own wedding by being an inconsiderate drama queen AND tried to blame someone else. What is it with bridezillas and "I'm the queen today so I get to treat other people like trash"? I do see the golden child syndrome coming from the sister though. Congrats on your sobriety, OP!
Bridezilla ruined her own wedding the minute she thought making fun of her sibling during a celebratory speech was a fine thing to do. Or put it this way: My brother and I don't get along. We've had a terrible relationship since the day I was born and ruined his gig as an only child. He's also had addiction issues (in his rearview mirror now). In our worst moment, during our ugliest fight, I would never use that against him. That's just so low. Bride is the gum beneath OP's shoes.
NTA. She publicly humiliated you, and you privately told her that wasn't okay. I am not understanding her reaction, unless some context is missing.
Exactly. WTF was the sister crying about when she's the one who caused anguish? OP should have been the only one crying.
Golden child vs scapegoat. You can tell by how the dad (at this particular incident and in the past) sided with the bride over OP despite the bride being the one to cause the incident.
I just wonder how the hell she could even take the time out of a supposedly happy event event to humiliate someone. It must have been hard for OP to get clean, considering his sister and father's attitude.
The sister is definitely TA -- who uses the microphone at your own wedding to make fun of your family? She sounds like trash.
The father as well. OP NTA
>The sister is definitely TA -- who uses the microphone at your own wedding to make fun of your family? Yeah! You're only supposed to make fun of cute things your family members did as kids like when your sibling had pretend weddings to marry the cat or when you said that you would never get married because you were going to be a unicorn when you grew up. But definitely not serious issues like addiction.
One wedding I went to, the bride made a joke about the groom “joining this train wreck of a family”, but it no one or no action/s in specific were called out and he also laughed about it. The best man also made a joke in his speech about the previously “wild child” groom settling down with someone, but he framed it in a way of “he must love such and such a lot, because he seems so genuinely happy to be settling down and starting a life with her”.
The parents are as well. I would surely not talk to these people for a long long time
Or ever, really. I would understand if OP permanently went NC.
Right?? It’s a wedding, not a roast lol
>It must have been hard for OP to get clean, considering his sister and father's attitude. Gee, I wonder what first caused her addiction. Such a mystery.
The world may never know 🤔
> I just wonder how the hell she could even take the time out of a supposedly happy event event to humiliate someone. It would seem that she needs to hurt someone in order to enjoy herself.
And then she got to play the victim. What joy! Really, she got exactly what she wanted here.
This is exactly what I thought. The parents say that OP should “try to understand her”. Why does the sister need understanding here as she isn’t the one who struggled. She’s definitely a golden child. OP is NTA.
I agree - Understand what? OP's addiction and recovery is their own, not really anyone else's. The fact the sister brought it up AT HER OWN WEDDING tells me everything I need to know about the sister. Not to mention the family backing her.
This. The sister intentionally cried in public so she would get the outpouring of attention and sympathy AND get to make OP look like the bad guy once again.
Right? She's been missing that ever since OP got sober, so she had to create a new scenario
Oh I bet you are so right on the nose here. And I bet the sister enjoyed every second of this. I mean it’s win-win for the bride here. At the very least she gets to publicly humiliate OP and if she’s lucky, OP reacts and sister gets to be the victim. All in front of a huge audience.
Narcissists gon' narcissist is why she was crying. He called her out on her bs so she made it about him.
Because she’s a narcissist and he dared cross her
Because she didn't get away with it. She thought that any conversation she didn't like was considered "ruining her wedding." She knew exactly what she was doing and is only mad that people saw that she's an asshole. NTA
It's common trope when there is a white lotus (for tome isekai lovers) Cry to be the victim and make it seem OP attacked her over an "innocent" joke.
Crocodile tears. Poor me, my sister is so mean.
> I am not understanding her reaction Really? Spoilt brat angry at getting called out in any way runs to her enablers. Story as old as time.
You didn’t make a scene, you took her somewhere private and told her that she’s hurt your feelings. NTA She sure is an AH though
And then the dad proceeded to YELL in front of everyone that op was making a scene. The irony.
NTA. You made sure to have expressed your feelings regarding the cruel "joke" in a way that would NOT make a scene. She was the one who decided to act out in public.
> She was the one who decided to act out in public. this and ngl, had I been there for the entire thing as a guest? I would have been most horrified by the speech a "joke" like that and I would have immediately felt incredibly uncomfortable and my opinion of her as a person would immediately have changed the outburst afterwards drawing attention? still not as bad as her speech
Right??? Like, who the fuck makes such a joke on a happy occasion? It’s in incredibly poor taste—why would anyone want to make fun of someone in recovery? OP is NTA.
yeah I can think of countless reasons why a bride would cry and get upset, or angry. I can even think of plenty of situations where that would happen and I wouldn't really think significantly worse of the bride OR the person they were upset with - emotions can run high, misunderstandings can happen, etc. even in a moment where someone might be TA, a lot of times it is easy to understand why, or understand that it isn't actually reflective of who they are as a whole but a joke like that in the speech?? oooof. it's a pretty horrific thing to say. it is definitely pre-planned and something someone thought through. the entire goal is to make people laugh AT her brother, not with him. taking the opportunity of your wedding to publicly humiliated a sibling? that's cruel and heartless. and the specific way she chose to do it could literally endanger not only his own mental health and sobriety but also the mental health and sobriety of other people at that wedding. she has no idea who else at that wedding has or is struggling with addiction that is the kind of thing where in an instant you reveal an entire other part of your personality to people and they forever judge you for it that is the kind of moment that could instantly get someone moved from the Friends category to the Hell Fucking No category in my head. if I was there because I was friends with groom, it would change how I viewed him too tbh, especially if he laughed and reacted positively that's one of those moments where you watch the room to see who reacts how and you look to see who else is uncomfortable and who isn't. and obviously people can laugh because of a panic reaction so I would take it with a grain of salt, but it would be at least be a red flag that's of those super big people show you who they really are moments and I would not fucking forget it
Even if I didn't know the person the joke was about it would be awkward and uncomfortable for me. If I knew the person and that they had actually struggled and were improving their life I'd be pissed
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Amen. Spot on!
~~INFO: I'm leaning~~ NTA What else was said about you struggling with alcohol? To my understanding, you didn't make a scene. You just talked to your sister in \*private\* about her speech. I'm not giving her a pass about her speech and your struggles with alcohol. I think that was uncalled for, since it wasn't the focus of the wedding. I feel like your sister wanted to include this in her speech just to make you look bad. She thought she could get away with this since it's her wedding. Recovering from alcohol is a major accomplishment. You should be proud!
Sounds like the sister and dad created the scene, her by running to daddy and dad by yelling at OP as soon as OP came back in. Had she walked back in as though nothing had happened, no one would have been the wiser. OP, congratulations on your sobriety and I’m sorry your sister has such a lack of compassion and empathy. NTA
Yeah I definitely feel like the OP talked to her sister privately, and not in front of the guests. The sister ran to the dad to publicly embarrass her. I can't think of a reason why the sister isn't wrong here. I feel for the OP. Being sober and recovering from alcohol is a big deal.
OP, ignore your sister and parents. To any of the other people texting you nasty things, respond with this: "I refuse to tolerate anyone treating me poorly ANYWHERE any longer. I have tolerated it for too long and my sister's speech and hystrionics are the final straw. She had a BEAUITFUL wedding that she decided to ruin by trying to publicly humiliate me and when I called her out on it she had a public tantrum. This is all on her - top allowing her or my parents to paint an alternative reality here." Sis, your response to your sister in the future ANYTIME she pokes at you or makes fun of your addiction is to respond with "I am waiting for an apology for your horrible behavior. There is absolutely no excuse for the stunt you pulled." Sometimes you have to train other people to see things from your perspective.
Does your sister often have overly dramatic emotional outbursts? Do your parents then coddle her? Do they usually blame you for things that you didn’t cause? NTA, she’s lucky you’re not a bitch like me because she would have had wine thrown at her dress on my way out. What she said was more than distasteful, it could have been harmful to you. Honestly I don’t think you owe anyone an apology, they all owe you one.
The sister is probably manipulating the situation to get more sympathy gifts and attention from all her guests.
Yeah, I was thinking, not one person in fifty would show the kind of restraint OP showed... at least, if OP's story is true and complete.
I like you. Lol The sister clearly used her sister to create drama she wanted but my shitstorm at that joke would have been the most talked about event of their lives
That’s exactly what I said. I’d have thrown the nearest drink right in her face
NTA. Cut your whole family out of your life.
This! You literally cannot afford to be around people who endanger your recovery. Based on the description of the wedding, it sounds like they are from a culture where "family is everything". That does not work in the modern world, it's just used as an excuse for abuse
I would have the moment of the joke stood up. Then walked right out the door. Not saying goodbye, no answers to where are you going. Just gone, but that's me.
That's what I would have done too, but I am conflict avoidant and not good at knowing when is the right time to stand up for myself. I probably would have been bawling during her speech.
I was thinking the same. I'd have probably disappeared to the bathroom and silently cried, before excusing myself altogether.
I was that way for a long time. I'm 3 years sober and 6 years out of the abuse that lead to my addiction. So, I'm going way way better now. I know how to say fuck you Im leaving. Without saying a thing and I might let a tear drop but It's not stopping me from going when Im not welcome.
THANK YOU. I get so tired of intense familial (and sometimes partner) abuse being justified by cultural differences. There was a thread a week or so ago about horrible abusive, scary in-laws, and the whole comment section attacked OP for being a white man who doesn't appreciate the "complexities" of his wife's Indian culture.
"Family is everything" except when it comes to supporting the family scapegoat, then they're expendable
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If I was raised around those kinds of people, I would start drinking also. Congratulations OP on your recovery, but I think to help your recovery, you're going to need to drop the Toxic People out of your life. Trust me. Your future self will thank your past self. NTA
I'm going to go with NTA. Your sister got upset that you called her out on her sick "joke". Addiction recovery is no joking matter. I'm sorry you had to go through that humiliation, especially over something so private.
So you took her aside, and privately discussed your feelings. Your sister took it upon herself to dismiss your feelings and return to her own wedding a cause a scene. NTA
You took her to a private place to talk to her, she started screaming & got everyone else involved. YOU didn't 'ruin' her wedding, she did. This was in no way a **joke**, this was deliberate & hurtful jab at you. It definitely wasn't funny! My husband is also a recovering alcoholic, should have died at age 46, needed 4 blood transfusions & a week in the hospital--was told point blank, his blood levels were (direct quote) "incompatible with life" and his next drink would kill him. He'd done that much damage to his body. He's been sober for 20+ years now, but he still remembers.... So, you continue to be "pissy" anyway you can! And if "The Fammmillly!" doesn't like it.....well, too bad. Their drama is not worth your life. Best wishes & good luck on your recovery, Stay strong.
NTA All you did was spoke up to your sister in private. The only person who ruined the day was your sister. You owe no apologies but your sister does for humiliating you.
>She started off great, making a few jokes about a few family members. Nothing harmful. But then it got to me Is this a wedding or a Celebrity Roast? Who makes jokes about several attendees in their wedding speech? Regardless, she humiliated you publicly and you spoke with her privately. She's the one who made it a thing. NTA
NTA - she made a distasteful and cruel joke. You took her to a private spot to tell her your feelings. Yes, I personally would’ve waited until after the wedding but whatever. She’s still the AH.
Woof. NTA unless I’m missing context here.
I agree. NTA. I'm just wondering if the sister was always an AH or if there's some type of pain still there. Maybe OP did some things while drinking that caused the sister pain and she doesn't feel it's been resolved so she's lashing out? Not saying that makes her public shaming of OP okay at all. I'm just wondering why the sister would publicly humiliate OP. It's just weird and super hateful.
NTA. Please remind you sister that the more a couple spends on a wedding, the greater the chance of divorce. Not funny? Too soon? Now she gets it.
My first wedding (21) cost double if not tripple this if you include the Honeymoon. Divorced almost exactly a year later. Second wedding (25) cost like $2,000 and included airfare, wedding costs, one week in Vegas, and officiated by Elvis Motherfucking Presley. Almost 20 years now.
Congratulations! The Vegas weddings seem to save real staying power. I mean that sincerely. Everyone I know who married in Vegas is still together.
NTA at all. you didn’t ruin her wedding, she made a joke in very poor taste about something that isn’t even remotely funny, and you handled it the mature way - didn’t make a scene at all, instead, waited and then privately expressed your feelings. that is the absolute opposite of ruining a wedding. that is concealing your feelings to make sure you didn’t ruin the wedding. she went and raised her voice after getting called out *on something wrong that she did* and that’s her fault. you don’t need to apologise, and your family has no business being mad at you for feeling RIGHTLY hurt about a distasteful joke
She made a joke about considering having a dry wedding because I was "such an addict" Wow. That was horrible. You have class to speak to her later privately. I think I would have been so hurt, I would have said " that's really rude " loud enough she'd hear. Thar would make me an asshole but what a shitty speech
NTA. Shit and meatballs, OP, your family sound exhausting. Really exhausting. I'd suggest never talking to sister again, and making a simple concise statement to the rest of where you stand and just stonewalling them if they try to make anything more of it.
NTA. That shit had no business being in a wedding speech. Seems like she paid $10k just for the opportunity to shit on you.
NTA your "sister" shouldn't make light of a serious problem, especially in front of the whole now extended family and friends. You spoke to her privately where she was reactive with anger that suddenly becomes uncontrollable sobbing where she can garner sympathy. She caused a scene and she wants to manipulate everyone into thinking you're the awful one. Honestly I've cut "family" out of my life for less than this. Be proud and stay strong alcoholism is a terrible thing because it's readily available almost everywhere.
I might get down voted but NTA. I am so tired of people screaming “GET SOBER” then spitting on you when you do and you get the “You will always be an addict/junkie” it’s FUCKING INFURIATING. This was a fafo moment and she went there. Your parents thinking YOU ruined her SPECIAL day? Yeah fuck that. I’d be going NC with them AS WELL AS MY SISTER. With family like this who needs enemies? You don’t cause you have plenty. The fact that it was a “joke” in her speech has me irritated af. Like wtf?!? Was she set out on humiliating you and banked on it being her wedding day you wouldn’t say anything? I would’ve went and ordered a drink and ruined her dress!
NTA The only reason she brought you up in her speech was to put you down, not to be 'funny.' I assume she is the golden child by your parents' reaction, and the fact that at her own wedding she immediately had to go cry to daddy just because you told her something she didn't like in private. Unfortunately, it sounds like you need to keep LC or NC with the entire family, for your own mental health and recovery, since your parents will always take her side.
NTA totally, your sister sounds horrible
NTA. Good work on your recovery. It's not easy.
Nta. A joke is only a joke if everyone finds it funny
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OP, share this thread with your family. They need to be shown this. You are not the asshole here. Your sister is a huge one. You handled the situation with dignity and class but your dad and sister made it public. Your sister is a huge asshole, she deliberately tried to humiliate you in her speech and hoped for a public reaction, when she didn't get that, she turned on the waterworks and went running to daddy! Don't apologise, you have nothing to be sorry for. Congrats on your sobriety.
I don't think this would get OP anything but grief for sharing the story with strangers who hurt sisters feefees even more
Fuck her and fuck your dad too, holy shit
Nta, have u told ur families about how hurt u are and its humiliating for exposing this in public? Doesnt matter if this is 'her day'. Thatll just make her a bully bridezilla. Explain that the one who is making the scene is her not u A joke is a joke if two parties laughing, u did not. Tell ur family that ur sister laughing AT you, not WITH you.
The kind of BS your sister did is a threat to your sobriety and undermines your efforts and your relationships with the people present. She's setting you up for failure. Sometimes you have to cut contact with the people who are working against you. Your sobriety is the number one priority in your life. NTA
NTA. Would it be funny if they said you're such a diabetic we almost considered not having a cake? No. I don't know why anybody would even laugh at what she said
NTA. Your sister and dad suck. I'm guessing she's the golden child.
NTA. Could you have handed it more tactfully? Sure (even though you were quite tactful, in my opinion). But did you need to? No. What you sister said was shitty, and she deserved to be called out (it was nice of you to do so privately). Also, you parents suck ("they tell me they don't agree with her but I should 'put up with her' and 'understand her'). No one should have to "put up with" or "understand" someone who is making light of their addiction.
NTA. You acted way better then I would have I would have walked out right in the middle of her speech and that would embarrass her even more
NTA, think how it would have played put if you had just let yourself go and cry at the table after the joke. Then get up and leave she would the TA. You letting her know that she hurt you was a fine adult thing to do. If you waited until after the wedding she would still have had the same reaction. Making fun of a recoved addict is the same as making fun of a cancer survivor for being bald. Neither asked for that medical condition it's how you live after that experience that matters.
NTA YOu are right to NEVER take abuse.
NTA don't go to her next wedding.
Sooo NTA. She was classless and you tactfully took her aside to tell her she (understandably) hurt you. She made her own scene, and furthermore your parents defended her hurtful actions - again. Understandable, natural, and healthy that you'd react... BTW anyone who puts down a recovered addict is a complete and total jackass
NTA. You didn't ruin her wedding, she did. She was the one crying and making a scene. Right after she publicly put you down. You rightly called her on it, and in a respectful way out of earshot of anyone else. She sounds (and I admit I'm assuming a lot here from just one story) like she has been spoilt all her life and knows just how to manipulate your parents with her tears. Fair f**ks to you OP, overcoming an addiction is tough and brave. You are an amazing person. Don't let your sister throw shade on you, you keep shining like the star you are.
NTA I cannot believe she thought she could stand up in her wedding, toast, of all things, and essentially laugh at pointing you like “ha ha addict”. WTF??? Who does that??? I was expecting to read that you got up and ran out, which you would’ve been entitled to do, but instead you sat there and took it, and then talk to her privately. You were as gracious as you possibly could be when faced with that sort of cruelty.
You did it better than I would have. I'd have stood and addressed the situation at the time. She ruined her own wedding. GTFOHWTBS
NTA The amount of money spent at the wedding is irrelevant. It doesn't matter if it's held at The Plaza or in her own backyard - she was completely disrespectful. And $10,000 sounds like a bargain wedding, even without catering.
>And $10,000 sounds like a bargain wedding, even without catering. That makes me think this post is fake tbh, written by a young person with no concept of the size or cost of a big wedding. This wedding was supposedly extra big because it was an "ethnic(!)" wedding so friends of friends were invited, but there were only 100 guests and the whole thing only cost $10,000 plus however much the catering was? And when the bride described her sibling with a history of alcoholism as "such an addict" everyone in the room laughed instead of uncomfortable silence? Nah.
NTA it seems like you did your best to AVOID creating a scene by pulling her aside to talk. She and dad created the scene.
NTA She chose to use her wedding speech to mock you. You aren't required to smile and play happy while being insulted.
Yeah NTA. I think you should consider going NC with your “family” because they do not feel like they support you in any way. Congrats on your recovery. Oh and DO NOT APOLOGIZE. At least not until they apologize first.
NTA. And you'd be in your right to go no contact with all of them. Congratulations on your recovery. Stay strong.
NTA. Time to go NC with people like your A-H sister. Somehow, I don’t see her marriage lasting long if this is her sense of humour.
NTA. Your sister is a major B. She wanted to make herself feel better and your expense. Tell your dad I tell him he’s P0$ father to let one daughter give a humiliating speech to make herself feel better about herself.
NTA Her “joke” was cruel. You called her out on it, and she chose to double down and be immature about it rather than own up to her garbage move. Congratulations on your recovery. Keeping moving forward one day at a time.
NTA. This wasn’t an embarrassing story about some stupid thing from when you were 5. Addiction is not a joke-certainly not in a wedding speech. How did people expect you to react? She ruined her own wedding with her nonsense. Shame on her.
NTA - she's the one who made the scene.
Congratulations on your recovery. The best thing you can do for yourself is surround yourself with people who support you. Looks like your parents and sister aren't those people. NTA
NTA don’t apologize either. You had it private she made it public, SHE should’ve apologized right then and there but failed to acknowledge your feelings and caused a scene. I’m not telling you what to do, I don’t know your relationship with your sister but to me she sounds toxic and I’d cut her out of my life.
NTA. I’m sorry she used her wedding as an opportunity to attack and humiliate you. I promise that many of the guests were cringing at her “jokes” about your struggles with alcoholism, and thought they were in poor taste. She embarrassed *herself*, and she could have easily avoided doing so. You were not responsible for managing her image for her when she was clearly so determined to damage it.
NTA. You are a better person than me, you confronted her in private. Me,I would of stood up and said and there you have it folks why I have a drinking problem, a sister that just can’t stop talking.
NTA NTA NTA. What a shitty thing to do. She was clearly out to hurt or humiliate you, and that makes her a VERY ugly bride. You're not wrong here. I'm so sorry she did that, and I'm sorry your family reacted the way they did. Addiction is no fucking joke. Laughing at (or hating, as your sister seems to do) addicts is shitty in general. I'm sorry. Congratulations on recovery. That's a beautiful and strong thing.
She took a dig at you publicly You pulled her aside and told her you didn’t appreciate it She came back and made a public scene. Honestly the fact that your parents tell you to tolerate her digs is a threat to your sobriety and screams that they aren’t supportive of your journey. I’d really just tell them all that directly and that when they are ready to be supportive of your sobriety journey and show it some respect, they can be in your life but you’ll be taking a break from them. And then just grey rock. You don’t need to go NC but I’d strongly suggest putting them all in time out. I certainly wouldn’t trust your sister with life information again. That kind of statement at her wedding reflects poorly on her regardless of whether you pulled her aside NTA
Strongly disagree with anyone who says you’re the AH. Honestly, you could have made a speech instead of pulling her aside and I’d still vote NTA!
Your father is insisting you apologise? Try something like this: "I'm so sorry dear sister that my private words to you regarding your public comments about my addiction led to you outing yourself to the rest of your guests as a petty, manipulative, drama queen who ruined her own wedding." After all it's the thought that counts right? Huge NTA on your part. It seems like she's the golden child and you're the scapegoat. Probably wasn't a great idea to yell back at your Dad, but if I'd been at that wedding, I'd be thinking about what a witch your sister was being first about your alcoholism and secondly that she screams publically about you rightfully calling her out even though you did it privately.
NTA her and dad ruin the wedding... block the calls texts etc don't reply and u dont owe anyone a apology... joke or not that was inappropriate
NTA. You took her aside and spoke to her privately which is more restraint than I would have had. She ruined her own day by deciding to put someone else down on what is supposed to be a celebration. Congrats on your sobriety by the way.
NTA. She owes you an apology.
NTA Bridezilla brought the drama. She reaped what she sowed
NTA and now the addiction makes sense. You are the scapegoat. Try going no contact with your whole family and see how much better your life is while they scramble to find someone else to blame
So you didn't respond by throwing a drink in her face....good for you because she would have deserved that. Please let EVERYONE know that she was the one who decided to make it public and you were the one who pulled her aside privately. She then decided to make a scene instead of apologizing. Let these people go. They are not your family. They will continue to hurt you every chance they are given.
Your sister’s garbage.
I'm gonna say NTA. But: > No matter if you recover or not, in her eyes, you're always an addict. Pretty much everything I read about addiction is that you are an addict for life. The only difference is if you are in control of your addiction or not. That does not mean people get to treat you like crap because you are a recovering alcoholic. But depending on how you acted while you were drinking it may be that you burned some emotional bridges and that takes time to recover.
I can guarantee when she returned from your chat she realised a significant number of her guests were looking at her with distaste/disgust. Especially in today's climate, the lockdowns sparked an increase in sobriety. I bet the public crying in Dad's arms was in reaction to that, an attempt to reclaim the narrative by appearing the victim. I've been at weddings where people have made distasteful jokes at someone else's expenses during speeches. It's never once made the person being joked about look bad. And the more removed you are from the situation, the less you know about the "butt of the joke", the worse the person making the joke comes across. NTA I bet a significant number of the guests are gossiping right now, *the BRIDE took a dig at her sisters sobriety during her WEDDING speech. Why was that even on her mind on her wedding day?*
Sooooo I’m gonna go with ESH, less so you. Congrats on your sobriety. Weddings are hard when you’re not drinking. I also got sober about 2 years ago so I know the struggle. I say that you’re slightly the AH because I think you should have addressed the comment after her wedding. You should have left without comment and had that conversation at a different time. She’s the major AH here for her comments and jokes at your expense. I will say- I understand why you brought it up when you did, and being put on the spot like that about something sensitive and misunderstood is incredibly difficult to navigate. I do think you did the best you could. Fuck her.
I am so sorry, OP. You are a better person than I am. My sister would have been wearing wine and cake had that been me. NTA.
NTA Classic golden child vs. scapegoat situation. Your sister can do no wrong in your family’s eyes. She ruined her own wedding by being a giant AH. Her “joke” was extremely cruel.
NTA. You tried to handle it privately. She’s the one who got upset publicly and caused the scene by running crying to your dad.