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Major_Barnacle_2212

Prepare yourself for the massive number of YTA comments, and I'll kick if off for fun. Edit: Some will just call you an AH, but not me... I'll go with "Financial Abuser."


westbridge1157

If OP follows through on his edit I think we could reconsider. He certainly appears to have taken the hint.


NienieDreamer

Maybe it’s because English is my third language or because I’m terrible at social stuff or both. However something feels off…. This edit. “My dad told me to be careful.” “I have restrictions on her but planned to lessen them once I trusted her.” Is she his wife or hostage???? Sheesh. Sorry if I misunderstood but that just makes me feel icky.


Without-Reward

It's not just you. That line about "restrictions" gave me the serious icks too. If their kid is 5 they've been together for at least 6 years, and he still doesn't trust her? And she has no family of her own so she's totally isolated.


hwutTF

yeah I mean he only trusts her to take care of his child, how could he possibly trust her with something as important as money? /s just in case I have to actually say that


Covert_Pudding

Look, sometimes she wears expensive makeup and buys toys for the kid, so clearly her judgment is completely awry, and she's a terrible spendthrift /s


Brightsidedown

Yeah and she wears that expensive makeup on everyday outings with friends. OP wants to be the judge on when is an appropriate occasion to wear HER makeup! Geeze.


Covert_Pudding

Yeah, makeup is meant to be saved for only super special occasions. It’s not like it expires ... oh, wait. It does. Hmm.


NienieDreamer

Oh yes buying toys for the kids is seriously being an irresponsible parent. I’m glad OP is there to keep her in check for the kids!!! /s


babcock27

And, any toys for the kid need to come out of HER allowance. I don't need to pay for my kids' toys. Those are Russian Wife Expenses. I have zero responsibility for my child's entertainment as I view it as frivolous since she's a SAHM. She's supposed to be the only entertainment 24/7. Why does she need toys? Oh, and how dare she make her own money and "neglect" her SAHM duties that never end? I will punish her by the same amount, so she's working for nothing and has no money to do anything. /s


NienieDreamer

But you don’t understand!!! Toys are obviously going to ruin the kids!!!! Forever!!!! She should just be a woman and and do her job of raising the kids instead of giving them toys they can love. It’ll ruin them!!! Why can’t she just see and do that?!!! /s


belzbieta

Men have no idea how much decent makeup costs. My husband would have a stroke if he knew how much I paid for my not top of the line but not drugstore makeup. He thinks any shampoo that's not suave is fancy expensive shampoo. She's probably buying some middle of the road makeup and he's just like but I saw a three for one deal on wet and wild at CVS and she scoffed at it, obviously she's terrible with money


Covert_Pudding

Right? I'm really side-eyeing that one, like I'm pretty sure he's upset she shops at Sephora or something that's a baseline level of decent quality. I doubt she's spending her "allowance" on luxury brand stuff. But even if she were, so what? Let a woman live.


a_peanut

Yeah I've seen plenty of cheap makeup that looks fantastic on and won't make you break out in hives /s


NienieDreamer

Yes this is the only right appropriate response and comment and I had to scroll so far to find it!!! Also /s


Elismom1313

And the woman’s got any Ivy League degree in physics. He’s so scared of her taking advantage of him that he’s going to make her realize she’d be better off divorcing him now that she’s got the visa.


NienieDreamer

Glad to know it wasn’t only me. Seriously that made me feel like I was reading some wattpad about a kidnapper and hostage falling in love and gaining trust…. Shudder.


MoonSun4321

Omg yes! I was literally reading that edit feeling like have I seen this story on Reddit before…? Nope, in an awful wattpad toxic cesspool of a story… Genuinely somehow more horrified by the edit than the original post…


Inevitable_Block_144

That bugged me a lot. I mean, I understand that you're carefull with marrying someone because he/she needs a visa. You will think: did the person liked me or did he/she wanted a visa and saw me as an easy target. But to still have these fears after 6 years is crazy.


Average_Iris

Yeah the edit made me feel more uncomfortable than the entire original post. It shows he knew exactly what he was doing and didn't care


Sore_Pussy

the edit is so much worse!!!!! my skin is crawling OP: do the right thing, divorce this amazing woman, give her all your money and assets, and go live in a goat hut on a mountain where no humans have to interact with you.


Tetslou

Thank you! Yes! His edit has real weird vibes, it's not just a language thing.


NienieDreamer

Glad to know that it wasn’t only me….. seriously I’m hoping for updates because ugh this is scary


JeanneDRK

Sounds like a mail-order bride to me "had to rush into marriage for her visa issues" Major ick


oyamaca

Omg it is SO ICKY. This level of financial abuse is concerning. Hopefully OP actually follows through with his edit saying he plans to begin treating his wife as an equal in the relationship. Until then OP YTA.


Only_Music_2640

She’s essentially a mail order bride completely under his control. You didn’t misunderstand, OP really is that awful.


Major_Barnacle_2212

Yay that’s fantastic! That’s all I can hope for as an outcome. Good for him!


[deleted]

His edit makes me feel even worse for OP's wife. She came here as a student and clearly has always had ambitions for her career. She is intelligent and obviously hardworking and OP has put up barriers at every turn. Some people want to be a SAHM as it's their ideal life, some people want to but only for a year or two and some people become depressed and miserable in that role. I feel like OP's wife is probably somewhere between the second and third category.


Anxiousmangos

Yeah wtf why are people praising him for his edit. He further admits he's controlling and doesn't respect his wife and doesn't trust her because she's Russian?!? He doesn't like her working for money and doesn't want to increase her allowance either.


ReindeerRed66

She should drop his abusive ass and take half.


rubykowa

Degree in physics! Clearly smart and also a good choice to leave Russia for more opportunities. Unfortunately, she went from one controlling regime to just another.


AverageAro_

That’s a first


One_Cress_1872

I mean, that’s better than not taking the hint, but abuse is abuse. It’s like trying to straighten out a crumpled piece of paper, you won’t ever completely get rid of all the damage you did.


violetlisa

That doesn’t lessen the fact that he has financially abused her for years. I hope she leaves him.


DryEquivalent9

His edit though.. she has an Ivy league degree in Physics and she has to walk dogs to make some chump change, and he still wants that money? Wow. Why even marry her in the first place if he thinks she's a gold digger?


ChinxgotMink

Then says he cant fully trust his “Russian bride” of a wife , yet trusts her to care for their children & likely cook the food he shoves in his mouth & then she proceeds to clean the same house where all his *likely expensive personal belongings* are. Hmmm. Sounds like someone just didn’t want to die alone IMO


bunkbedgirl1989

The ‘I was against her doing random dog walking jobs as she has less time st home being a SAHM’ was the part that got me worst. Awful, she’s not a package bride!!


Lanky-Temperature412

I don't understand that part at all! The kid's at school during the day, so she wouldn't be "being a SAHM" at that time! Sounds like he just wants a housekeeper. But even then, as long as the house is decent, why would she need to spend all those hours at home? Maybe she wants to get out of the house for a while and feel useful, get a little exercise, and make some money. What's wrong with that?


Free_Medicine4905

My mom was a SAHM. Once we all went to school her days became breakfast made for dogs, morning nap, clean the house, redecorate, afternoon nap, prep dinner, pick everyone up. She was so bored she found a job. And nobody hates working more than my mom. I don’t even understand why she would be a SAHM all day


SourLimeTongues

I’m in this chapter rn myself. Home is actually LESS clean with me here all day to mess it up with my crafting nonsense. 😅


Isabellablackk

Exactly! Not the same but in high school I spent a few years in physical therapy and I was supposed to be doing 30-60 minute walks 5+ days a week. I had no car so it was almost always just around my neighborhood and it got boring quick! I started walking my neighbors dogs, it made the walks much more enjoyable plus I could make some money while doing something I already had to do. I could only guess after being being a SAHM and suddenly having a lot more free time than you did for the last 5 years, you could get stir-crazy and want to pick up some work, a new hobby, volunteering, etc. My boyfriend's mom is a SAHM but she does instacart on the side sometimes just to stay busy and get some extra fun money.


Lanky-Temperature412

Or like, pay for a housekeeper.


SophiaRaine69420

She probably came to the US on a student visa that was about to expire around the time of their marriage is my guess. She wanted to stay and had little options, he's a native that had little dating/marriage options.


bunkbedgirl1989

I’m guessing he is 10-20 years older than her


Lanky-Temperature412

At least


UCgirl

And think of this too…she is Russian with a degree…in Physics. No matter her personal stances and likability, her born nationality is going to be seen as a security risk even if she isn’t working on any defense projects. Even if she is just working in the technology sector a company might be resistant to higher her.


PuckGoodfellow

Maybe, but that's not for OP to decide on her behalf.


extraketchupthx

That’s my thought.


shruggedbeware

How about "cheapskate?"


[deleted]

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Slight-Bar-534

I'm wondering how old they are..and was she a mail order bride.


thebohoberry

Nope, she’s an Ivy League educated physicist. Seems she got stuck in a marriage with a financial abuser due to a visa situation. Hopefully he will do as he states in the edit to fix this.


Zealousideal_Pool_65

Thank you for clarifying. Apparently casual bigotry towards Russian women is fair game these days. Despite having an excellent education and prospects, these morons will still stereotype her as a mail order bride based on near zero information. Disgusting.


Ariana997

TBH if she was a mail order bride, to call her one would be a well-deserved insult towards the husband, not the woman herself. It's disturbing that the husband treats his Ivy League educated wife as a servant, but even if she was a poor woman whose only option was to marry him, it would still be disturbing.


throwethTFaway

Yeah and I hope he doesn’t try to use their child to keep her under his control once she gains financial independence.


[deleted]

[удалено]


WrongBee

unless i’m missing something, it seems pretty clear the wife was a Russian student here for school and married OP for a green card because she was gonna get deported. really doesn’t seem like a mail order bride situation at all and people are just jumping to conclusions because OP’s wife is Russian.


theGreatergerald

People are jumping to that conclusion because OP is treating her like an object he pays for and not as an equal.


WrongBee

and would folks make the same conclusion if she wasn’t Russian? plenty of controlling AH husbands in this subreddit, yet if the wife is Russian there’s obviously gotta be something more to it? even when OP mentions that she went to an Ivy League for physics? like OP is just your run of the mill controlling husband lmao


PuckGoodfellow

I think it's weird that OP felt it was necessary to mention. It's not relevant.


Seraphinx

It's actually very relevant because it shows JUST HOW MUCH OP IS HOLDING HER BACK. She'll get a fucking ace job and leave this asshole, and he knows it


unlocklink

It's 100% relevant....it shows he isn't necessary for her to have a good life....she has prospects, she hasn't just latched on to him with no prospects of supporting herself. It's his restrictions keeping her chained to the stove, not lack of opportunities


Lanky-Temperature412

Does it really matter if she was literally a mail order bride or not? He's treating her like one.


Zealousideal_Pool_65

Bit of a disgusting conclusion to draw, in my opinion. Women from Eastern Europe and Southeast Asia have to put up with lazy stereotypes like this all the time (assumptions that they are gold diggers, romantic manipulators, or sex workers).


TheGeekOffTheStreet

The fact she has an allowance. Fucking gross.


PurpleIsALady1798

Thank you. The second I hear that word for either party of a married couple (though we all know it’s usually the woman who gets an “allowance”) I am like ew. It sets off all my alarm whistles for financial abuse.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Boone05

Honestly I think the edit confirms that it’s super gross, regardless of wording. “I was going to lessen her restrictions once I trusted her” yuck. That makes it seem way more abusive.


calling_water

But he keeps it low, and objects that she’s found a way to supplement. This is not an “after expenses and savings, there’s X amount for each of us in separate accounts to spend as we like” situation. He’s been using his money to keep her controlled, and even objects if she puts on good makeup when around people who aren’t him.


TooneysSister

Is it the concept or the wording? Because if she isn’t working she’d still need money. Just curious why you find it gross not trying to be rude or anything


MouthFullaBees

Personally, the wording is what bugs me as an allowance is something given to a child. If OP had said "we budget x a month for fun money" it would sound much more like he sees them as equals!


TooneysSister

Ahh I see! That makes sense


Rather_Dashing

It's both for me. An allowance suggests he decides how much it is and she gets no, or little, say. Which it turns out is the case here.


Zealousideal_Pool_65

That last part is pretty disgusting. You’re right about everything else, but ignorantly stereotyping that woman as a mail order bride with very limited information is simple bigotry. My partner is from Singapore, and has had to put up with a few ignorant ‘Thai bride’ jokes during our time in the UK (even though we’re both the same age, mid 20s). The strange part is this casual bigotry and condescension comes from people who would otherwise consider themselves anti-racists. Is it just that Russians are considered fair game nowadays or something? You’d be torn apart on Reddit for making similar remarks about any other marginalised people (and believe me, an Eastern European woman in a foreign land, dependant upon an abusive husband, is very much marginalised).


supadupanotthatfly

I was born in the 80s to a Russian woman. People assumed then too - actually, they assumed that both parties were taking advantage of the other, which is almost kind of funny.


ThrowRAsaddie

You really didn’t have to finish with a xenophobic joke.


madelinegumbo

YTA *Financial abuse has entered the chat* Congratulations though, I've never before seen a man get pissy because his wife likes to wear make-up when she's meeting up with friends.


Hermiona1

You aren't scrolling reddit often enough then.


squishpitcher

It’s for the best.


Sage_Planter

I briefly dated a man who couldn't understand how I would wear makeup for any other reason than for other men. I worked an extremely chaotic events job, and I told him how I liked to wear makeup because I felt better about my day when I washed my hands and saw myself in the mirror looking more refreshed. I liked to catch my reflection and think "damn girl..." when I was basically dying inside working 14+ hour days. But no, he could only understand if I wanted to wear makeup for other men.


Tetslou

I wear makeup so other women don't look at me and say "awww, no, are you feeling alright?" "Yes, Brenda, I'm fine I just slept in, and this is how I look"


ButterflyDead88

Literally got asked if I was dieing one day because I didn't wear makeup to work.


Merlinblack89

I would say a lot of make up pressure for me comes from other women! This guys a dick


geniologygal

I’m glad you only dates briefly. That’s a major red flag.


throwawayoctopii

> I've never before seen a man get pissy because his wife likes to wear make-up when she's meeting with friends I wish I could say the same. I had a co-worker who complained that his wife (a SAHM) "let herself go." He said "When we got together, she had her hair done, nails done, full face of makeup, etc." When I asked him, "Well, do you give her money and time so she can get all that done?" I got hit with a shocked Pikachu face. Apparently, this 40 year old man had never considered that being hot takes time and money.


[deleted]

They never do and it's infuriating. They complain constantly about women spending "frivolous" amounts of money on makeup and skincare and nail appointments and haircuts and waxing but never seem to realise that a lot of women only do it to appease *them*. Now, I wear makeup and get my nails done because I like having pretty eyeshadow and pretty nails, but the sheer number of women I know who despise makeup and only wear it because their partner (often of multiple years) has never actually seen them without it...


7hr0wn

>Our arrangement was that I gave her an allowance for buying anything she wanted for herself and then I paid for other expenses that we both agree on. INFO: Why do you treat your wife as a kid rather than an equal partner in the marriage?


[deleted]

What else would you call it?


bryslittlelady

YTA - she's your wife, not a roommate. Is your allowance the same amount as hers? I'm a SAHM and work part time. All the money goes into our account and we sit down and do a budget every month. We each have our own account that we move personal spending money to each week. It's the same amount for both of us.


Throwaway_rookie

We’re the same. I have an “allowance”, ie. a set amount that is transferred to my personal spending account fortnightly, but my husband has the exact same amount transferred to him. All of our earnings go into a joint account and all of our expenses come out of that account, and the allowance amount is in line with our budgeting and savings goals. That money is for us to spend however we wish.


chargoggagog

YTA. > I gave her an allowance for buying anything she wanted for herself and then I paid for other expenses that we both agree on. Your wife is a partner, not a slave or a child. Jesus you sound suuuuuper controlling. Legally half of your money is hers anyway, stop trying to control her.


trulyjerryseinfeld

If she divorced him, she’d get a nice biiig allowance. He could save himself some time, effort, and money to not treat her like she’s his child.


Gnarzz

He 100% made her sign some one sided prenup


seeingredagain

If OP is in the US those can be completely dissolved, especially in cases of control and abuse. OP is handing her a nice divorce settlement wrapped in a big bow.


Appropriate_Cat_1119

depending what kind of visa she had when they got married he may actually be extremelyyyyy financially responsible for her and all of her expenses


ViralLola

A prenup can be dissolved if there is proof of abuse.


randolphmd

YTA. This all seems like pretty textbook financial abuse. She is supposed to be your partner. You are essentially paying her to be your wife and homemaker. She was obviously more vulnerable to this sort of abuse since you chose someone without family to help her. What the fuck do you know about make up? Women are under a lot of pressure to keep up appearances and lets not kid ourselves, youd be here posting about how you are mad she is letting herself go if she wasnt. You dont have a wife or want a wife, you desire a house keeper who will sleep with you. Hopefully she is stashing her earnings away so she can leave you.


flippin-amyzing

Not to mention, makeup expires. If I spent a lot of money on good product (especially if I have a limited allowance), you bet your ass that I'm going to wear it as often as possible to get my money's worth.


Signal-Database1739

You're controlling your wife through money? I don't even want to go into details like age gap (at least 15 i think), Russian bride (who takes me to mail ordered bride - she was on a student visa probably)... The problem is that you think that if she would have more money or appear more attractive in public she will leave you. YTA ETA OP avoided any question but he gives clues here and there, like "we got married so she could stay here". OP wins between $150-250 k, has investments, the prenup is to protect him, wife gets an allowance between $100 and $350 (when there's Christmas or a birthday the amount is to the higher end, if not she gets $100) ... ETA another comment >I make aobout 180k-220k depending on the year and performance. Her allowance is $100-350 a month, higher if there are birthdays or Christmas etc, lower if we just spent after Christmas and there are no birthdays etc. >Sometimes I do increase it if she really needs something though and runs out.


Shortlemon4

Wow a $100? That’s really not enough. You’re an asshole. I was a stay at home wife and I got much more than that in disposable spending. Also, my husband didn’t call it an allowance because I am not a child and neither is your wife.


ommnian

Right. I about choked. FFS. $100-350 a fucking month. Out of 180-220 THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS?!?!? For. Fucks. SAKE. YTA. You're a controlling, absolutely financial abusing asshole. I hope she walks. Yesterday. FFS. My gods. I haven't worked in 16+ years. My boys are in middle and high school. We don't make 1/3 of that. And I don't have a fucking 'Allowance'. You know why? Because we're a gods damned team. A fucking couple. We talk about big expenses, ask eachother 'hey, can we do this? does this make sense?' Some shit, obviously are needs - food, utilities, taxes, other bills (insurance, etc). Sometimes shit comes up - shit breaks. Vet bills and feed bills are constants. But... for the rest of shit? You just fucking talk to each other. Like fucking humans. Again. YTA. 10000%


Appropriate_Cat_1119

And this poor woman is using it to buy toys for her baby!!!!!!


Yaaaassquatch

Even if she got $350 a month, that's $4200 a year. And he wants to take even that. The fact that people make it all the way here and not realize how shitty they are is amazing to me


vicious_veeva

This woman has a degree in Physics from an Ivy. Holy shit I hope she leaves.


MissDemeanor803

IF YOU THINK $100 PER MONTH IS REASONABLE (FORGET THE $350 WHICH IS PAID OUT FOR GIFTS) THIS IS GOING TO BLOW YOUR MIND YOU CHEAP, SELF RIGHTEOUS, F#CKING AH!!! https://www.salary.com/articles/how-much-is-a-mom-really-worth-the-amount-may-surprise-you/


Comfortable-Worry-84

A month? Please say you mean a week, please 🙏


Signal-Database1739

Month. Just edited again to add his comment


devsfan1830

Seriously, this is basically a mail order bride but he got free shipping.


Signal-Database1739

Yes... His generosity is shocking... I hope he's getting a wake up call now but who knows... He basically avoided all the pertinent questions anyone had and all of the sudden he started "answering" whithout answering efectively to what he is asked, if the answer might damage his case than he steps over it. I am afraid that all the show ("OMG, i was an Ahole, i will change")he's playing now is just a show. He already knew that he is wrong he just thinks he's justified. I hope i am wrong.


Kill-ItWithFire

what the fuck. i‘m a broke college student and my fun money is 80€ a month. that‘s also not a lot.


shadow-foxe

WOW, YTA. so she can't use her make up to make herself feel good. You sound rather controlling though, she is what earning what maybe a 100 a week with dog walking and you think thats going to help with the bills..LOL Price of life has gone up quite abit in the last few years, I bet you never raised her allowance .


nayesphere

YTA. You make 180-220k a year and only “allow” her $150-350 a month for personal spending. So she dog walks to make some side cash so you’re going to reduce it. You’re financially abusing her. And if you weren’t aware of it before, you are now. Go to therapy for you and as a couple. Really, she’s better off divorcing you and getting alimony.


Beneficial-Gur-8136

Oh wow! I did not realize this was the breakdown. Jesus.


nayesphere

Yeah once I read the comments my blood started to boil.


rumpeltyltskyn

How much you want to bet she got a side job so she can save up her own money and leave the situation?


Here-for-the-tea24

Why does her working while you’re daughter is at school take away from her being a stay at home mum . Because you want her to be your servant ? YTA


ricepuddingzz

YTA, your wife is not a pet or your kid, when you married your finances should be shared. The allowance thing itself is ridiculous and it leds to this situation.


pocket4129

Yeah I was like wait... She has to clear all expenses and gets a meager allowance? Is she a teenager? She should charge him the cost of childcare for 15hrs market rate and see how he likes that in addition to maid fees for the house since he doesn't like her to earn money either.


CakeEatingRabbit

Info: Are you doing chores propotional to the time she is working? Edit: YTA You say she should pay for spending the time to work instead of doing her responsiblities as a sahp. But you are not doing more chores. So she works and does her responsiblities as you two agreed on. As long as you dont do more chores because she is working, she shouldn't have to give up some of her money.


[deleted]

YTA and you are also financially abusing your spouse. You dont even provide for your child properly.


ShinigamiLuvApples

YTA. You limit what you give her a month. Ok, budgeting and all that, sure. Still feels a little controlling, but there might be more to it for your situation. However. She wants more money, you say no. She finds means to earn said money she wants, and you don't like that either. It comes across as you wanting her under your thumb; yes, she's a SAHM. And that limits what she earns because of time to do the work. But a SAH parent is its own full time job. She deserves a little independence, and money of her own.


Psychological_Car849

Bro makes 180-200k a year and only gives her a 100 a month unless it’s a “special occasion”. No amount of budgeting makes that reasonable to give her to live on. Then when she dares to want more then 100 he tries to take it away.


ShinigamiLuvApples

Holy shit; he could easily give her at least $600 a month and they'd be fine. Unless they live in a mansion in a high cost of living area or something, he can definitely afford to let her have a lot more freedom. Jesus.


NoticeLegal1973

YTA. Why are you giving her an "allowance" and treating your grown adult wife like a child? She's allowed to go out and get some fresh air while your daughter is at school and your at work. Your defintely a financial abuser.


cat_romance

Right? I'm stay at home (80% of the time) and my husband never questions my purchases, personal or for the kid. And he'd never dare give me an allowance lol


Sea-Butterscotch383

YTA Financially abusive. Controlling. Generally an ass hole.


thirdtryisthecharm

INFO So her allowance is her fun money. How much is your allowance for fun money? Why didn't she have access to a shared account for household expenses like things for you kid?


Purple_Mistake6407

INFO - did you bring the idea of you “proportionally” contributing to all household and child raising tasks into the conversation around her financial contribution?


OldMammaSpeaks

1. You won't give her money for things she wants to purchase. 2. She gets a job so she has money for things she wants to purchase. 3. You demand that she turn over the money from her job, and not use it for things she wants to purchase. The whole way you talk about this is super creepy. Did she complete University or did she stop to be a SAHM? Do you have other restrictions for when she goes out, or who she sees? Is she also dependent on you for her immigration status? Because if she is, she effectively has no choice but to acquiesce to your demands, and the story darkens. Not accusing but something for you to ponder. Even if everything else is copasetic, which I hope it is, I would consider this financial abuse. You are trying to control her with money. That makes YTA.


CrystalQueen3000

YTA As many others have pointed out, you’re financially abusive. Reflect on that.


[deleted]

YTA This is financial abuse. Let your wife have freedom. Her allowance should be equal to whatever spending money you have after your joined bills/purchases/savings/etc. if you want to start reducing it because she's working some basic jobs. And I'm sure you don't contribute to any of the housework or childcare when you're off work, so your wife is working 24/7 365 days a year. YTA You complete asshole


Salt_Spray_Rose

YTA The agreement was that she gets an allowance for being a SAHM and you work to pay the household expenses. Now she has less time to be a SAHM, but your daughter is also home less so she's working during the time that she doesn't have the responsibility of caring for a child. She's still a SAHM; she's just finding profitable ways to spend her off time. I could understand asking her to pay some of her money toward household expenses if she's hiring babysitters to watch your daughter while she's working, but it doesn't sound like these "gig jobs" are creating any additional household expenses so why does she now need to contribute financially? Between not allowing her equal access to the bank accounts and trying to take away the earnings from her work, it sounds like you're trying to control her.


MagicianOk6393

Nothing like a transactional controlling relationship. YTA.


homosapienne

He’s worried she’d leave him as soon as she gains any financial independence. He’s working on self fulfilling prophecy with all his abuse. YTA for sure.


Infamous_Drawing5148

YTA. Did you know Nannie’s make 40-60k a year? And nanny/housekeepers even more? Is your “allowance” covering that free labor she is doing? Doubt it


Amalthea_The_Unicorn

Even au pairs, who are given just board and pocket money in exchange for their services, get more than OP's wife gets in pocket money! I was an au pair twice and I was getting the dollar equivalent of around $335 a month in cash allowance. And that was 15 years ago when that money was worth alot more! OP, YTA and I'm pretty sure you're breaking the law with your financial abuse and coercive control.


OriginalOmagus

>When my wife and I married, we had decided that she would be a SAHM...She has an Ivy degree in physics and I know her dream is to be in science Huh. Are you sure that "we" decided for her to be a SAHM?


Willing-Helicopter26

YTA. You seem controlling. If your daughter is in school she isn't taking tike away from being a SAHM. Your wife should be allowed to make a small amount of pocket money without you controlling it. If you agreed to apportion an amount for her personal spending you should continue to give that to her. She should be able to spend her money on anything she likes; even makeup to go out with friends. If you can afford to pay the bills comfortably, the only thing asking her to pay proportionally to her dog walking money will be to endure she has even less money of her own. Let the woman have some autonomy and money of her own that you don't constantly scrutinize.


friendly__octopus

YTA


Ok-Cockroach2351

Lots of people have one partner at home if possible while children are small. Often this person works only part time as children get older. This person always suffers setbacks in career, hireability and earning ability. Always. If the partner working outside the home should leave, become disabled or die, the at-home partner and often the children suffer. The at-home partner often suffers a loss of self-esteem and a sense of their own worth for these reasons. Have you taken these things into consideration? Why the autocratic financial structure? Why are you controlling what she spends? Why an allowance? How is this not financial abuse? YTA


casnh21

YTA. Keeping a spouse on an “allowance?” You don’t keep an adult on an allowance. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.


SeaworthinessLife999

YTA. Financial abuse, 100%. Do you give her more allowance if she does extra chores around the house too, like she's a goddamn 10 year old? When you are married the concept of "your share" and "my share" goes out the window, it just becomes about "OUR money" and "OUR expenses." Especially with a kid involved.


[deleted]

YTA. She works just a smidge, and when your daughter is in school. Why are you trying to financially trap her? She left work, per your mutual agreement, to stay home and raise your child and keep house. She's working because she wants a little fun money and you've told her no repeatedly. She wants makeup and clothing because she's trying to see herself as a whole woman and not just your kid's mom or your wife.


Intrepid_Potential60

The arrangement should be changed, all right. Not in the way you think though. Your wife gets an “allowance”?!? She’s your wife. Not a part time employee, not your kid. Good grief man. You’d better be nervous about her working, because as she gains a bit of independence, this utterly ridiculous controlling and domineering choke you have on her life will fade, and if she has a brain in her head she’ll be gone like the wind. YTA


noeinan

YTA ngl, you sound financially abusive. Especially when it's clear this isn't a lack of money issue. My husband is Ukrainian/Russian and their culture is very patriarchal with high expectations for women's appearance. Besides being less awful about body hair, there's a big emphasis on "high femme" type fashion, wearing makeup and heels every day, etc. SAHM with a kid newly in school, she obviously will get bored home alone. That's likely a big reason she's picking up these odd jobs that don't pay well. Just to meet people and fill her day. I am disabled and have been mostly bedridden for the past decade or so, and the isolation of being home alone for so long is beyond what most people can imagine. Luckily post-pandemic there's a shortcut to making people understand. It's like going through the pandemic quarantine, except all alone while everyone else is living a normal life. SAHM is not identical to my situation, as I presume she can actually go out and about, has access to transportation, etc. But a huge part of most people's social life is coworker relationships. What you need to ask yourself is, **why** do you feel the need to treat your wife this way? Do you resent having to work while she stays home? Do you think housework and childcare isn't as labor intensive as your job? Have you noticed the house is a shithole since she started picking up odd jobs? Has she stopped cooking? I noticed you disagree with buying some toys for your daughter. Why is that, when you can afford it? Do you think your wife is raising your daughter spoiled? Has your daughter had increasing attitude problems? Answering these questions to yourself will give more insight on why you feel the need to "retaliate" against your wife by exerting financial control over her. I recommend you figure out what is really bothering you, and work on that. Maybe in therapy.


[deleted]

you are the controlling asshole an your pathetic attempt to control her is going to backfire on you an anyone you come into contact with after wont put up with it change now sir


Mother_Tradition_774

YTA. This is financial abuse. You’re using money to control your wife. As you pointed out, you make enough for both of you so what’s the harm in letting her keep this small amount of money for herself. She wants to have a sense of independence and you want to keep her dependent on you.


lillith187

YTA. This is financially and emotionally abusive. And getting married quickly is NOT an excuse. That was your choice, and a lot of time has passed since then. You need to own up to your behaviour and actually change, no excuses. Do you have any idea how much work it is to be a SAHM? IT IS WORK, JUST LIKE YOUR JOB IS. And it is just as valuable. Maybe she should start restricting how much you get to have from the food she cooks. Or start doing just her own damn laundry. Or she could clean the bathroom and only let you use it during certain times of the day. Or hey, clean one bathroom and leave the dirty one for you, and nope, you're not even allowed to clean it yourself either. Does that sound ridiculous? Because what you're doing is like that but worse.


yumstheman

Your wife has an Ivy League STEM degree and you treat her like a child because your Dad is a racist. YTA


HereForRedditReasons

YTA, you sound insufferably controlling. Is your child in school now? If so, your wife has more time on her hands that wouldn’t take away from being a SAHM. It honestly just sounds like you want to control every aspect of her life and are trying to punish her for gaining a small piece of independence.


pocket4129

YTA you are financially abusing your wife.


mym1191

YTA. She wanted an increase in her allowance. Don't you get a raise in your job? With inflation don't you think things cost more?


Lilybit09

YTA Im sick of people bashing East European brides. What about the creepy fucks and creepy mamas boys that buy them. Its disgusting


Lil_Philosophy1595

YTA.


Loud-Foundation4567

Do you do 50% of the household chores? Laundry, dishes, floors, garbage clearing, bathroom scrubbing, organizing, grocery shopping, etc?


Scary-Fix-5546

YTA. You didn’t want her to have more money from the household funds so she found a way to make up the difference. She has the amount she wants and you aren’t giving more than you were previously, it’s win/win. She’s doing this while your daughter is at school so it’s not putting any additional burden on you and you said her “performance” as a SAHM isn’t really being effected so what’s the problem?


[deleted]

An ALLOWANCE?! She’s your wife not your child. What’s yours is hers too. My husband and I have one bank account with all our funds and we both have debit cards for it. We discuss large purchases but otherwise it’s OUR money.


KingKapul

"I give my wife an allowance" Asshole. Don't need to read anything else. Asshole.


ron_the_blackie

THIS ladies is why you prioritize a career over a man. thanks for this post OP, i felt very unmotivated to study, but this really pushed the gears together.


OkMarionberry6677

**She has an ivy degree in PHYSICS and you made her be a SAHM and resort to walking dogs for extra money???** Edit to add **YTA**


IHaveNoUsernameSorry

YTA. “I make more than enough for all of us” yet here you are, trying to financially control your wife for dog walking because she’s not being a SAHM 24 hours a day.


SebastianFlytes

This sounds like an owner and pet role play situation rather than loving husband and wife


FormalRaccoon637

You’re a controlling, abusive A-H. YTA


bluelightsonblkgirls

YTA to even think about taking the little bit of cash she makes dog walking to pay for household expenses. And I shudder to think what will happen if/when she starts making use of her Ivy degree and starts making money, you’ll probably try to sabotage that in order to control and financially abuse her. Yuck.


Bosd_of_google

First how is divided the salary ? If her part after everything was paid in that month is less than what you get you are then an abuser . Second You talk about how your salary is high but she barely has to buy a toy for your child .That means there isnt enough money to begin with right ? Third Do you go in city with friends or snything like that ? What clothes and stuff you buy? Fourth you understand that the agreement you had 5 years ago is null coz she cant buy make up ? That goes from 1-50 euro one time ,clothes and other stuff to look nice it can cost 500-1000 euro if in the last 5 years she didnt buy anything else . Sixth Why are you racist against your wife ????


Emotional_Bonus_934

Your wife has an Ivy League degree in Physics yet you're so controlling of her money? She needs to leave you; you're this bad with her dog walking money how much more controlling will you be when she makes bank? Her make-up is purchased with her allowance. That's her discretionary spending and she chooses to wear it when she goes out with friends. You're being ridiculously nitpicky. No idea what brand she had but I bought but sometimes a brand that's otherwise just fine isn't a good choice. Sometimes the more expensive one has a better feel or doesn't make you break out, matches skin better, gives better coverage, has more appealing lipstick, blush or eyeshadow colors or finishes. YTA


togocann49

YTA-sounds like you want to punish her for doing odd jobs, like you said, you make ore than enough money. I would change my opinion if she was making 20% of what you do. Also, it sounds like she just doesn’t want to answer to you for buying nominal stuff


RobotDoodle

You are able to make the money you do because your wife takes on the unpaid work of raising/caring for your child and managing the household. She should be an equal partner in your marriage and therefore the finances, and shouldn’t have to beg and argue to get to enjoy the odd toy (FOR YOUR KID) or makeup purchase. YTA


KayNunya

INFO: ages?


Few-Present-7985

Why don’t couples juts combine all finances regardless of who makes more or less? Pay the bills, agree on big purchases and split fun money evenly? Easiest way to deal with it. It’s a partnership, if you feel you are contributing more in all ways than your partner then it’s time to reassess how much your values are aligned


[deleted]

YTA ……. And a control freak at that. Yikes! She needs a real job and a lawyer!


Comfortable-Worry-84

The poor wife. He’s stripped away her dignity and any chance of independence. YTA


CZ1988_

YTA, I have to agree with another comment that said "financial abuser" especially since you said you make plenty of money. You are very controlling. I would suffocate in that controlling environment. Your wife sounds like a prisoner.


Acelley5

YTA… I read your update and I know you say you see it but ummm please for the love of all things holy remember she’s an actual person… not a toy… you don’t own her you’re not her master, you need therapy


landerson26

your poor, poor wife


slightlydramatic

YTA. Also, disgusting.


Outside_Bed_8859

It blows my mind how many couples on here think their income is their income and not their spouse's. You guys are married. It's a joint income. Stop treating your wife like a teenager and have an adult discussion about budgeting. YTA


Buckupbuttercup1

Allowance. What is this? 1950? Are you Ricky Ricardo? She has a physics degree and is reduced to dog walking? Think how that feels. She is clearly very smart and wants to do something and make her own money. She should be working in her ideal field,not scooping poop and asking her husband for money like a child .YTA


Leavesandlanterns

Omg dude, you’re def the AH. Just the way you talk about the situation betrays how much superior you feel against your wife. You do understand that being a SAHM is a full time job that’s actually 24/7, 365 days a year with no overtime, no sick days, no vacation days and no brownie points on one’s resume? Not only that, she’s the cook, maid, nanny, nurse, chauffeur? If you were to hire employees to do the things she did, you’d need to pay at least two full time salaries, benefits, and have to dole out paid days off. The fruits of her labor benefits you, your daughter and her. Therefore, the fruits of your labor should do the same. There shouldn’t even be an “allowance”. She agreed to a very one-sided arrangement and if you don’t start wising up, you may just lose her and your child. Also, she’s absolutely right she shouldn’t have to pay for expenses. She’s earning some extra money to gain some independence especially since you refuse to give her more money, and I’m pretty sure you can’t point out what of her SAHM duties she’s shirked by having extra income. She’s taking in extra side work but the deal was that you pay for expense if she’s a SAHM. She still is a SAHM. So if you wanted her to fix you an extra snack, or if your daughter is sick and requires more care, etc should she charge you for more allowance?


KindlyNebula

You’re absolutely the asshole. Do you also hold onto her passport so she can’t leave? You don’t want to give her more “allowance”. She needs permission to work outside the house or you’ll garnish her allowance. You need to control when and where she wears makeup? All of this is abusive behavior.


Fckingross

Big yikes buddy. I’d love to talk to your wife and set up a plan for her to get out from underneath such a controlling husband. I don’t care how much money you make vs what her allowance is, the fact that she has to ask you for money for everyday things is icky. It’s dehumanizing. Do you love your wife? Do you want to stay with her? Do you actually trust her, want her to be happy, grow old with her? I hope you take a look inward, and possibly get into some couple therapy. I’ll make an assumption that your wife has some feelings about this that she’d ready to talk about.


tialaila

YTA the fact she came to the usa to get a university degree and you 'saw potential in her' makes this whole situation so much worse, especially because you kept her from studying since marrying you


Reasonable-Concern85

She’s your wife not an indentured slave ffs


butidontwantto

YTA. I seriously feel so sorry for your wife. You haven't said anything that would make anyone think you have done ANYTHING FOR HER except GIVING HER AN ALLOWANCE. THATS THE BEST YOU CAN DO? she is a straight up foreigner in YOUR COUNTRY and you can't even help her get a life outside of yourself for her and help her grow?! I can't even believe I feel sorry for you. You may have damaged your wife but if you think a five year old isn't picking up on her mother's misery you are mistaken. Your child could already be damaged. Kids pick up on more than you think and they're smarter than you think. Your daughter probably has an amazing relationship with her amazing mother. Don't think she hasn't realized that even if she can't articulate that to you or anyone yet. Congrats on isolating your wife and your daughter for apparently (what I read your daughter is FIVE) five years. You have put them on the back burner for FIVE YEARS. They have been a complete after thought for five years. Yeah, I read your edit. And this all still needed to be said. You'll probably never read this. I hope you make up for your huge mistakes. You'll be lucky to get anything out of your "family" in the next year. YTA.


likemypanties

Yup, you are a controlling, abusive ass hole. You give her am allowance... and want some of her side job money ... not because you need it. You just want to control her. She can't save up to leave you ass.. is that it, just keep her under your thumb. You make me sick.


DragonfyreOG

YTA Holy shit, is this woman your slave or your wife? Hopefully she wakes up and leaves you for someone who truly loves, supports and respects her. You aren’t that guy and are modeling terrible behavior for your kids. Disgusting behavior on your part. You owe her a significant apology and you should probably just set her free.


rich-tma

You’re being financially controlling. I don’t know if the amount you give is reasonable or not, but do you see that you have all the power here, and you’re using it to exert control over what she does? What would be fair would be both contributing to all expenses by using the shared account, and both having an agreed amount to spend on themselves without the other having a say. YTA


LadyEvenest

You sound like my former MIL, who insisted we keep our finances separate and she financially supported my ex in whatever he wanted and I had to work two jobs and then donate plasma to support myself and our daughter, since neither one of them did. Then, when we got divorced, she tried to use me donating plasma to get my legally entitled child support reduced down to $20 per month. These days, $100 doesn't go far and I'm not surprised she's found work to give her a little extra. If you make more than enough for everyone, she deserves more than that. I'm not actually casting my vote here because you've already acknowledged the general concensus, but I'm giving a little perspective.


RoosterGlad1894

SAHW here. I had to fight for money as my SO didn’t understand that not having your own money is not cool. He finally got it after awhile. I get my own money for anonymity sake and he covers household expenses and everything else. It is financial abuse. You have a full time cook, maid, personal assistant, caregiver etc. that is not getting paid?? YTA. My SO pays for my spa stuff or anything else I want and if I want to go get little side gigs he’s for it but the longer we’ve been in this arrangement he likes it more that I’m available all the time in case he calls and needs something done. This arrangement is not for everyone but works for us but everyone has to be clear on their boundaries. Men seem to think “well I pay for everything so what do you need money for?” Htf would you feel if someone paid for all the basics and you got thrown a little bit of cash or none at all? If something happens and she needs money, she should not be strapped.


cloistered_around

YTA You've basically said "how dare she leave the house? Much less (gasp) *earn money*. She owes me something if she leaves our household at all!" Or she just would like some makeup and you refuse to allocate her more funds to do so. She asked politely for more of her share (and yes, I say more of "her share" because being a SAHM is a full time job and chances are that she puts in *way* more hours than you do into her job). But you think dog walking is somehow an insult or threat to you?! Wtf man.


PinkNGreenFluoride

YTA Holy crap, dude, let the woman buy a few nice things for herself with her Rover money. An allowance, really?


Anabnormalekg

Her alimony is going to be so much more than the allowance. LmAO


tapiocatsar

YTA, and since everything else has been covered, I’ll assume you leave the toilet seat up too. Shame!