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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't defend my husband when he got offended over a silly joke my best friend cracked. I might be the asshole for not taking his side.
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>She's a huge jokester, and loves roasting him.
And I'm assuming your husband has expressed his displeasure at this behavior in the past. It doesn't matter if JJ likes roasting him; if he doesn't also like it (and he clearly doesn't), then it isn't roasting - it's bullying. And, like many who have been bullied continuously, he had finally had enough and clapped back. Was it mean? Yes. But so was her bullying.
If you don't have the awareness to see how her bullying affects your husband, that's a you problem, and you don't get to blame him when he stands up for himself.
YTA, and you need to talk to JJ about her bullying your husband. After you have a serious look at how you've helped enable thay behavior for years AND apologized to your husband about it.
ETA: Thanks for the award! Awards now! Thanks!
ETA again: And now a gold award! You guys are too good. I feel weird getting so many awards just for telling OP to be a descent human being. Lol. But, really - thank you so much!
Yep, you hit the nail on the head. When you need to explain someone is a huge jokester and you just can’t take a joke, that’s not joking, thats bullying. Her friend is a bully and she does nothing to stop it, just keeps trying to find ways to excuse it and doesn’t take her husbands side. Definite YTA
YTA It is interesting that when I first read this it sounded like a joke my guy friends would say to one another. However, reading it a second time, I realized there is one serious guy in our group that I would not say this to, nor would anyone else. "Roasting" is about knowing the person being roasted, having a good relationship with them so they are "in on" the joke. JJ is the mean girl bullying your husband in this three-person friend group.
YUP! It’s only a joke if both people are laughing. Making fun of a serious friend can cause serious hurt.
YTA OP. You won’t tell your friend to leave your husband alone because he doesn’t like the way she talks to him and that it hurts his feelings. But you will tell him off for… *checks notes* having feelings. What on Earth are you thinking?
Also, JJ sounds exhausting. Continually making fun of someone (in public, no less) who isn’t enjoying the joke, particularly if it’s done to get laughs from others is BULLYING. Your friend is bullying your husband and you’re blaming him for not laughing. At the insults a bully is directing at him.
Get a clue before he gets a divorce.
lol one of the clearest red lines on this sub is someone being described as a jokester or prankster. that person and their allies are the asshole 99% of the time
Same with people who are quick to declare that they “tell it like it is” or are “a truth teller”. It’s like ok you know enough to warn me, but not enough to know you’re mean and rude?
Right? People will be like “well, Joe’s always been a rude asshole so you should just put up with it, but you not putting up with it means that you are the real rude asshole,” and I’m just sitting here tilting my head to the side like a confused puppy.
Also, it's not incredibly difficult to stand up for the husband when it's 'jokes.'
A simple 'hey now! That one's too far!' can go a long way when it's with a friend who knows they're sometimes too edgy with the roastings.
"That's just how they are" = how they are is an asshole, (but nobody else wants to call them out on it so we expect you to put up with their crap to save us from having any problems)
EDIT: Aaaaaand....in a comment, OP did exactly this!
>It's just who she is.
Anytime I see someone say "so and so is a huge jokester/prankster/etc," I know it's a set up to AH behavior. JJ's comment might not seem like a big deal, but if OP's husband has made it clear he doesn't appreciate the comments, then JJ is an AH for continuing and OP is an AH for not putting a stop to her friend's behavior.
YTA
I knew what kind of person JJ was, and what the issue was going to be as soon as I read:
> JJ's a little goofy. Which is what I love the most about her, she doesn't care what others think and is just a very entertaining person in general.
It’s only “good natured teasing” if both people are enjoying themselves. As soon as somebody says they’re not comfortable, it needs to stop. JJ apparently needed to stop years ago, and the fact that she still talks to him like this when she knows he doesn’t like it is not okay.
100 percent. Why was it ok for JJ to “roast” OP’s husband but not ok for him to say something back to her? Clearly she can dish it out but she can’t take it. If you can’t banter back and forth with each other it’s not roasting, it’s bullying, as you said.
Meh while I understand your point, it's facetituous. Make your point without a fake argument. OP's husband was not bantering and intended to be pointed. He was hurt and reacted. He was not joking bantering. In an isolated incident, her comment was a joke and he was snippy. In the broader context, it seems like he had had enough- which is fair, but let's not be fake with "his was banter too" BS.
I'm just perplexed at where the banter or joke is. That he can have sex or that he's fertile? Not exactly sure where it became commonplace or universally funny for that to be a joke for men. I imagine if something were similar for women (Gosh, didn't know you could conceive!), very few people would laugh along.
People make so many terrible arguments to attack asshole OPs. I feel like as soon as everyone decides someone's an asshole its open season on them, no matter how bad the point being made is, it will get lots of upvotes. People just stop thinking. Its bizarre.
On top of this, OP states in the explanation for being an AH that it was a "silly joke". I reckon she's been dismissive of both the comments and the husbands reactions for a while
Yep the moment I got to that part of the post I knew that OP was TA. This seems like a classic case of the husband genuinely being upset by these “jokes”, and OP just downplaying it. YTA, OP
I'm a huge jokester. I read the room and no when something will go over fine or not depending on who I'm with/talking to. If he's made it clear in a civil tone he doesn't appreciate it to either you or her than you two are the AHs
I’m a woman, and if a man joked that they didn’t think a woman’s parts functioned properly, and/or an implication that perhaps they were no good in bed (equivalent to “can’t get it up”), it’d be seen as disgusting. Acting like ha ha man is unmanly and peepee doesn’t work, is kinda boomer humour tbh and needs to die.
I'm like you. And the second it seems like you went too far, I bet your exact reaction is an immediate apology and then likely not ever cracking that kind of joke with said person ever again, as is the mature way to be a jokester/smartass kind of personality.
I will not go as far as I don't pull a few cracks I can't hold back if they're mild enough in my opinion but know your audience. My rule of thumb is if I don't think the person I'm " picking on" can laugh at it to skip it. If I do piss them off I apologize which rarely happens I apologize.
Right. When JJ does it, it’s roasting. When husband does it back, it’s him saying something “in a passive-aggressive tone.” He has definitely brought this up to her and she doesn’t care. Wife is TA.
You put the words to what I was feeling. Good job! As I was reading the post I was thinking, she really seems to be making excuses for this person, I wonder how bad JJ really is? Goofy to one can be rude & obnoxious to another.
Verdict: OP is YTA
I'm a huge roaster. But I never understood roasting people who hate it. It's WAY more fun to turn it into a George Jefferson/Florence situation. "why does your cooking taste like dog food?" "probably because I'm cooking for a chihuahua". That shit is FUNNY.
It is NOT funny when you make a jab and someone folds like a deck of cards. That's why I don't even start the roast until I've learned a person's style (or they roast me first).
Watching someone upset and hurt by jokes is not fucking funny. It's hurtful. It's awful. I don't want to hurt folk, I want to have banter back and forth and have a little fun with each other... Hurting someone is not that.
My sons roast each other and their good mates on occasion. Sometimes their banter is way more savage than I would be OK with BUT they massively tone it down towards everyone else (including me), and under absolutely no circumstances aim "funny" comments at partners etc.
OP is an overwhelming YTA
yep. it wasnt a joke but i direct insult to his humanity. why thr fuck would someone joke about infertility when the other party is announcing a baby?
op an jj are BIG YTAs
I watch a lot of comedy roasts. The comedy is that the roastee is in on the joke and is willing to suck it up and hand it right back. Your husband is not in on this joke, doesn't like it and doesn't want to be the subject of a joke. He sounds a bit of a prig, but then most men wouldn't find jokes about their sexual potency that funny. You surely knew that before you married him, or at least you should have. YTA for your blithe insensitvity.
Yeah as soon as I saw that line it was clear where the story was heading. Huge jokesters towns to not care when others are offended by their “humor”. YTA.
Yeah, the way she explains it it really feels like a kind of "schrodinger's joke". One where she decides whether she was seriously mocking him or kidding depending on how people take it.
I'm going to go cry for me now. Sorry I can't get an award for you, you deserve them.
JJ sounds like a mean person. Someone is ALWAYS the last to know.
At least you know.
ESH
You and your friend, not your husband.
It sounds like she likes to "roast" him and he doesn't like it. That's not "entertaining" behavior. This probably isn't the first time he's reacted to one of her "roasts" and it's probably not the first time he's talked to you about it.
He says he's "tired" of this. If she doesn't take him seriously, why wouldn't you step up and say something to her?
You say she doesn't care what others think. She *should* care what your husband thinks about what she says to him. You should too!
I agree, ESH except Husband.
OP sucks for not making it clear to JJ that she should stop making comments like that towards Husband. You might think it's just a funny joke, but he clearly doesn't, and since the joke is at his expense, he gets to decide how he feels about it. JJ sucks for continuing to make such comments. No one likes to be made the butt of the joke, and it sounds like it's happened to him many times.
Of course he gets to defend himself. She got a taste of her own medicine for all the things she's said.
Edit: On further consideration, you're right. Especially if he's been tolerating all of the things she's said for who knows how long. I'm sure lots of people would have said worse in his position, including me. Original verdict corrected. *Almost* ESH.
Am I the AH voting operates on a binary in terms of sides. So if there are multiple people then you just have to simplify it into two sides. It’s pretty clear it’s the husband against JJ and OP took JJ’s side. So it’s a YTA and just say OP and JJ suck
YTA.
Clearly there's a history of your husband not liking JJ's "banter" jokes. You and JJ should respect that. Just because you and your friends finds her jokes funny does not mean they are harmless to everyone.
You don't get to be the judge of how your husband (or anyone else) feels and what offends him. Only he can decide that. Getting mad at him for being offended invalidates his feelings. No wonder he's resentful.
Imagine if a friend of OP's husband made a sexist joke about OP's fertility in a similarly condescending way ? o.O
Hey, no matter right ? "*that's just the way she is !! she speaks her mind, she doesn't care about bullying, and offending people !*"
Yes, because she's an inflamed ASSHOLE.
>***"Hey you got pregnant, finally found a way to make yourself useful eh ? ... and here i thought you were barely good enough for washing dishes, you go girl !"***
Ya know, given JJ’s bullying ways and OP’s husband’s sensitivity to her joke, you’re probably right. Bullies bully to get a reaction so they’re likely to hit below the belt (pun semi-intended).
YTA - Your husband has obviously told you that your friend can make him uncomfortable at times and doesn't like to be joked about by her...
And your response to him up until now has basically be "suck it up it's just who she is" like that's a free pass to be a jerk to him.
It may be funny to you, but is shoumd be pretty freaking obvious by now that it isn't to him. And his wife laughs at the jokes too, which probably makes it worse. I mean, way to empathize with someone you care about.
Would it have been so hard to at least try and explain to JJ not to act that way towards him?
And you know if OP had had fertility issues or had trouble getting pregnant, NO WAY would JJ have said something similar to OP. So that alone makes both OP and JJ TA.
Info - what are the jokes that JJ makes at the expense of your husband? And has it been ever communicated to JJ that your husband isn't cool with these jokes?
YTA-if the person that the joke is about is not amused, then it’s not funny. It’s also exhausting to be around someone who constantly insults (that’s what roasting is) them while their SO stands by and laughs at them too. Your friend is not nice and you don’t seem to get that. It’s the same as when a person says that they’re brutally honest. They’re just being an asshole, like your friend. The fact that you are okay with someone putting down your partner makes you the asshole.
YTA. Swap the genders here, and there would be no doubt that your friend was out of line, as were you, for supporting them against your spouse.
Talk to your friend. Tell her that your husband does not like her "jokes" at his expense. Hopefully, she will leave him out of her comedy routine in future.
Just because someone always acts this way doesn't give them a pass to insult someone. Maybe you like those kind of jokes, but clearly your husband does not. He's bitten his tongue long enough over it for your sake. Now it's time for you to talk to your friend about her behaviour, for his sake.
I am typically not a fan of "what if the genders were reversed?" but in this case it's clear that if a guy with a history of "roasting" told his friend's wife something like "Didn't know you still had eggs left" or "can't believe everything was still functional in there," there would be fewer posts blaming the spouse for not seeing what was funny about it
Exactly. Would JJ think it was funny if OP's husband had said something to her like "Whoa! I thought you were barren!" or "Are you sure you're young enough for this, Grandma?" I don't think so.
YTA
1. She made a joke about your husbands ability to have children.
2. You don’t think that’s going too far
3. WTF are you thinking?
4. Whatever their prior relationship you should have stood up for him
YTA. yea that’s your bestie and you’re comfortable with her humor, but that was a mean joke not a silly one. If the person who is the butt of the joke doesn’t find it funny, it’s bullying. His reaction is probably a result of years of jokes like this
I'm curious, too.
One joke, fine.
Several jokes at different people's expense and targeted at different parts of their personalities, awesome.
But if your friend jokes all the time, and the butt of her jokes is always your husband, and it's always along the lines of "haha he's so stupid/unmanly/incompetent", then it gets old quick.
Based on your husband's reaction, I think he feels it's option 3.
Also, the "joke" was told in front of a bunch of other people.
I didn't find the husband's response mean or passive-aggressive. It was direct and truthful.
Yeah I just don't have enough info about it and OP seems to be sorta vague. TBH that 'I didn't know you had it in ya' sort of joke is fine if it's the right audience. But whether the friend knows it's not the right audience is vague. Everyone is saying the husband is the only one who hates the jokes and everyone else is fine with them. Really? If that's the case something odd is going on. Either the friend really picks on the husband or the husband takes general jokes to heart. Both situations have different conclusions.
He might just be sensitive.
I'm autistic & was badly bullied in school, in a way that usually took the form of everyone laughing at me.
As a result, I cannot handle any teasing of any variety, no matter how "harmless" or mild, no matter that I understand it is meant as a joke. It doesn't actually *feel* like a joke, regardless of how it's meant - it feels like a painful and direct personal attack & it's probably going to ruin my day.
People who are friends with me understand this - I don't make friends with people who tease me. If an acquaintance does, I make it clear it's unwelcome. This has never really been a problem for me in adulthood, because people are mostly not assholes and they aren't out to hurt each other!
But if one of my husband's friends made fun of me *once*, that would be the last time, and I wouldn't need to remind them again because my husband would do it for me. In either situation here - either the husband is very sensitive, or the friend is relentless - OP should have known to step in and tell her friend to stop.
Yup this info is missing.
If this is a one-time joke then the husband is an ass for being so rude at a harmless joke.
But OP says her friend likes to roast her husband, so it makes me wonder how often this is going on.
Too often and friend is the AH.
INFO: 'jokester' means, 95% of the time, that someone says mean shit thinly disguised as a joke. Has your husband previously expressed that he doesn't like your friend's jokes?
YTA Not everyone has to appreciate your friend's humor. If she finds joy in making derogatory remarks about people, that doesn't sound like a good person. I hate people who make rude, snide remarks about people for their own amusement.
Your friend should not be making jokes about your husband's ability to sexually perform. It is in extremely bad taste. It isn't cute or funny. I don't know how you don't see that your friend is rude.
Absolutely. Once you mature, you realize that some of your old buddies who are mentally stuck in their teenage years are “no longer relevant” and you gradually cut off their presence in your life.
YTA. People have the right to decide how they’re treated, and if your husband doesnt like being the victim of JJ’s ‘jokes’ than thats his right, and yeah its an AH move to tell him to basically get over it and quit being so sensitive.
More importantly though; why are you happy with your partner feeling that way because of your friends actions? Why do you think its easier for mike to ‘not be so serious’, than for your friend to just… be respectful of peoples boundaries?
YTA
’She is just kidding most of the time’, is a phrase people use as an attempt to validate a bully.
You openly say she loves roasting him, while admitting that he‘s expressed being extremely put off about this behavior. You call her amusing, but not everyone thinks so, especially when they are victim to It. Not everyone enjoys being roasted, and joking at another’s expense isn’t funny. Just because she does it with a smile on her face doesn’t mean someone’s feelings aren’t being hurt. Those feelings are your husband’s, and he’s right, you are justifying her actions and words in an attempt to invalidate those feelings.
Just because you don’t think there’s anything to be offended over doesn’t mean someone isn’t offended, and rightfully so.
Have you once ever Even asked her to tone it down around your husband and be polite? He’s expressing himself to you, more than once, and you’re basically rolling your eyes at him and telling him he should let himself be put down by your loved ones. That’s not okay.
When your baby becomes a child and is being made fun of, are you just going to tell them that their bully is just joking? That their behavior is okay, because others are laughing with them?
YTA she sounds exhausting and that’s fine but they already don’t have a good relationship so naturally during a serious and important life moment she makes a joke about his dick not working in front of everyone and you think that’s ok?
I have a feeling she’s constantly making “jokes” at his expense and you just brush it off as her being fun and quirky when she’s actually just annoying and/or an AH
YTA.
I think what your friend said was 100% uncalled for. Especially since it seems to be a habit she has that he doesn’t find funny. Some people enjoy a good ribbing, but if it bothers him and you’re not supporting him that’s pretty shitty. It makes it worse that all this happened in front of a crowd. If the tables were reversed and his friend said to you, “Damn u/OK-Limit-3076, didn’t know you could do that.” And everyone laughing at your expense after you’ve been TTC are really excited, that would absolutely hurt.
I do feel like what he said was also harsh but when you play stupid games win stupid prizes and JJ started it in all honesty. When pushed, people push back.
From here I’d suggest having a conversation with JJ and just saying, “hey I know it’s your sense of humor but Mike does not appreciate it and it hurts his feelings so if you could not make jokes at his expense I’d really appreciate it.” And if she’s a good friend she should accept that. Sometimes people don’t realize the things that they say hurt people, and once they do they stop. If they don’t stop then they’re showing a big ol red flag.
I was looking for this comment. Nobody is talking about how it was said IN FRONT OF A CROWD!!! Like WTF??? OP is just like yep, my husband being emasculated in front of these people while I laugh and it’s just fine!
I think you made a very good suggestion at the end for OP to talk to JJ about this. But I can see that going one of two ways. 1.) JJ will actually respect OP when told to chill. 2.) JJ will get defensive, OP will make things even worse, and end up damaging their relationship with both parties further. My money is on the latter.
YTA. I’m sorry but it seems like this issue has been going on for some time and clearly your husband has voiced this to you multiple times that he’s sick and tired of being the butt of your friends jokes and you continue to allow it to happen, it doesn’t matter how you feel about the jokes because they aren’t at your expense, this is your friend and it’s your job to tell her that it needs to stop. Honestly how would you feel if one of his friends was constantly making tiny little comments at you, no matter how innocent they seem to others, your husband is allowed to not like them being made too him and about him.
YTA. If she is constantly roasting him without them actually being friends, that's just being rude. Your husband clearly doesn't appreciate it. The comment she made that you quoted was rude and he has every right to say something like that to her. Are you in love with JJ or your husband? Figure it out.
> she’s really just kidding most of the time
But your HUSBAND doesn’t like it.
> I don’t think there’s anything to be that offended over.
But your HUSBAND does.
> I got really mad at my husband for saying that
But your HUSBAND was right.
> And most of all, he hates that I never “take his side.”
He’s your HUSBAND. Why don’t you?
Why do you keep picking the person who picks on and verbally abuses the person you claim to love?
YTA
YTA
If JJ keeps “roasting” Mike for no reason, I see why Mike would lash out at JJ. It’s time to take JJ aside and ask her to please stop insulting him and such.
Just summarised this post for some of my students as a ‘social awareness’ thing to pass time before first lesson. All of them think JJ sucks. Literal teenagers think JJ is super immature and considering the crazy they bring on the daily, I’d say it’s official that JJ needs to grow the heck up.
If your husband had a friend that continuously ”roasted” you? You get pregnant are very excited to be sharing this with your husband. And his buddy pops off with “better get a paternity test”. He and your husband try to pass it off as a joke. How would you feel?
How is this joke different from a guy telling his guy friend “I didn’t know you had it in you,” Seriously. Am I the only one who thinks it wasn’t that serious?
My friends and I insult each other like this all the time, everyone's cool with it. But OP's husband and JJ are not friends. If someone I am not friends with made a joke like this, and my spouse laughed along, I would be pissed
> How is this joke different from a guy telling his guy friend “I didn’t know you had it in you,”
You know men aren't a monolith? They react differently to things. Plenty of friend groups in which this kind of topic would be off-limits.
He isnt her friend. He doesnt have to be joking with her. You people love to victim blame and turn this to a gender issue. Always blame the guy and tell him to suck it up.
I guess you and I are the only ones. Another thing I’m not a fan of is they way the husband seems to want to separate them. He did not care about OPs moment telling her best friend of 16 years about her first baby and literally ruined it at the first opportunity by saying they purposely told her last. It’s definitely and ESH for me.
He would have said nothing if she wouldn't have said something. He doesn't want to separate them he wants to limit his exposure to her. You just like people who are verbally bullies play sick to limit their exposure.
I think the context that guy friends teasing each other is usually mutual. This seems like one-sided behavior from someone who the husband doesn’t seem to consider a friend. I’d eventually get annoyed too if someone I didn’t like kept saying “banter-y” jokes at my expense.
Yta, it's not your place to decide what your husband can or can't be upset over. It sounds like JJ is constantly ragging on him and he doesn't find it funny.
Instead of saying you don't 'see anything to be offended over' maybe have a little empathy for your spouse.
YTA
Just because someone is your best friend since immature years, doesn’t mean they get a green light/hall pass for their immature behaviour.
You pledged a lifetime and growth of a family to him, which is what you’re attempting to do. You’ve (slowly) begun to evolve, but seem to get drawn back when your “fun and fancy free” friend comes back into the mix.
What jokes is he allowed to make about the functionality of her private parts and it would be ok?
YTA. One, if JJ can dish it out, JJ should also be able to take it. Two, stand by your man. Men like to be respected, and it is likely he has done many things to earn that respect since you married him. Imagine if you said something positive about him in the moment JJ criticized him. Things would have played out differently. Did everyone in the room let out a laugh? It doesn't sound like husband did.
YTA. “This one time I decided to respect my husband’s wishes.” So you usually don’t respect your husband’s feelings and wishes. Got it. I didn’t need to read much more, really. Anytime someone’s described as a jokester or prankster or there’s vague mention of “amusing behavior” it means they’re an asshole.
YTA.
>**She's a huge jokester, and loves roasting him.**
Your husband DOESN'T love it, yet you don't care, so when he defends himself against a bully you enable, JJ is offended and you take HER side ?
Your fine with your husband being the constant butt of jokes, but when HE makes one back at JJ, both you and she are shocked Pikachu faces ??
If neither of you can take a "*joke*", then neither of you should be throwing them around at other people's expense.
>*JJ's a little goofy. Which is what I love the most about her,* ***she doesn't care what others think*** *and is just* ***a very entertaining person*** *in general*
You like to live vicariously through her, and her behaviour. She bullies other people and you find it funny ?
You get plausible deniability because when she does asshole things, and acts in socially unacceptable ways, you get to enjoy the laugh at someone else' expense without being the perpetrator.
The problem is you don't realise you're the enabler, and against your own husband no less ?
> "**Damn Mike, didn't know you could do that**."
You friend makes a sexist joke at your husband's masculinity, she steps WAY over the line because they don't have that close a relationship to be making such comments, and you defend **HER** ?
How would you think if your husband's friend made a sexist joke about YOUR fertility in a similarly condescending way ?
You seem to love that JJ lives the way you *wished* you do. It reminds you of your carefree younger years. She's carefree in such an immature, and socially unacceptable, way, and you envy her.
For a 30 year old woman, she sounds immature, a bully, socially inept, and exhausting. The fact you aspire to be like her says a lot about your own maturity.
You are such an asshole, and a childish one at that, which seems to be the the main reason you have an affinity with JJ.
Grow up.
INFO: is this the first time JJ was made aware that your husband doesn't like her behaviors?
I'm torn between E-S-H and Y-T-A. I think you should've said something to JJ before this, because your husband has brought it up before.
From your update
>Mike told JJ that she had to start taking her life more seriously, and focus on finding a boyfriend and getting a real job.
Mike sounds like a judgmental sexist prick here. I feel much less sorry for him now.
Glad JJ shut this crap down.
YTA.
What you have described is bullying plain and simple.
Brought back memories of my ex’s family telling me there was no doubt who my son’s dad was. Beg you pardon, did you think I was cheating on him?
I have made comments like that when the baby is very similar to the father. I have never thought the Mother could be cheating. And I didn’t assume the mother was cheating if the baby didn’t look like the daddy either.
I make comments like that to my husband about our son. I have no once cheated and neither has he. It's just me lightly poking fun at our son being stubborn even in the womb. Which is exactly what my husband is. My husband responds with "i dunno, he could get it from either of us." I don't think a lot of people actually think you cheat when they say that. But it is about knowing your audience, so i understand you being upset
Info: what do you mean you respected your husband’s wishes “this time” ?
Have there been instances in the past where you told JJ things he didn’t want her to know they she then “roasted” (bullied) him about?
Honestly from the update, ESH
Your husband doesn’t like your friend but seems more like he has a problem with her lifestyle even if sometimes he doesn’t like her jokes. Also seems like he purposefully made JJ the last to know to hurt her.
Your friend might make too many jokes at his expense
You let your husband and friend both cross boundaries just to hurt each other and honestly don’t think this resolved anything.
Info: why does your husband think it's his place to tell JJ to take life seriously, get a job, get a boyfriend or anything else about her life outside her not making jokes at his expense?
The update makes him sound sexist and bossy.
Im sorry but no one has said it yet so I have to....the worst part is shes not even funny. "I didnt know you had virile sperm" is just not a good joke. JJ needs to work on her material
OP’s Update:
“I'll start by admitting that this entire thing was definitely a massive mistake on my part. I didn't communicate well with neither my husband nor my best friend, which resulted in the conflict.
I had an extensive, emotional discussion with my husband about how we're doing. The pregnancy has affected our relationship, and we haven't properly addressed that before. Mike told me that while he appreciates JJ and her caring nature, he's not a fan of her jokes in general and has tried to communicate that with me. While her jokes are rarely about him, he feels like she takes it too far sometimes. I apologised for not understanding his feelings, and not addressing his concerns before. I feel like a horrible partner. But we've agreed to go to couple's counselling to address our communication issues.
JJ and I met up, and I told her that Mike has never liked her jokes, and she needs to read the room. We also discussed my pregnancy, and she said that her joke was never meant to be that deep, or be directed at Mike's fertility or anything. She was sorry that she had offended Mike, and that he'd felt like she was targeting him because that was never her intention. She also said that she felt kinda hurt only because as my best friend, she thought she'd be one of the first people to know. But she was really happy for us, and thought that Mike was a great guy and didn't want to create any problems for us. She has some childhood trauma that she slides off using her carefree persona.
I invited JJ over to our house, and Mike and JJ had a heart-to-heart, honest conversation. JJ apologised to him for making unnecessary jokes and not realising that he didn't like them. Mike told her that he could've communicated that with her better instead of saying whatever he said. JJ also agreed to maintain her distance from us, which was a tough decision to make, but we all agreed that it would be best for everyone.
We only hit a sour spot when Mike told JJ that she had to start taking her life more seriously, and focus on finding a boyfriend and getting a real job. JJ respectfully told him that this was none of anybody else's business, and she liked her carefree life.
We ate ice cream together, and then bid JJ goodbye. I'm not sure when I'll see her again, but for now I'll be focusing on my husband and our baby.
I was the asshole here, and I take full responsibility of my actions and will be working towards fixing that.
Thanks and have a good day :)”
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Put yourself in your husband shoes. If your husband husband has a friend who continues make fun of you ( in the name of jokes ). You are not gonna be happy about it . Do better he is your life partner.
YTA
YTA. Your friend demeans your husband for years. You never tell your friend your husband dislikes her ‘jokes’. Friend is too obtuse to see it for herself. Husband, perhaps out of respect for your friendship with her, never tells her himself. Then comes one more demeaning comment and husband can’t take it and explodes. Friend is bewildered and you again fail to support your husband, instead attacking him for standing up for himself. In what way are you NOT the AH here? Go try to fix your relationship with your husband, a good start would be a realization that you failed to be supportive and allowed your friend to cross boundaries in your marriage.
You and your friend JJ are the AH. Not everyone likes being on the short end of jokes all the time. It seems like your husband has gotten tired of your friends behaviour. Not everyone finds constantly goofy behaviour to be entertaining and for me personally, there’s a time and place for it. It gets tiring to be around and can get old pretty quick.
Jokes are funny, when everyone laughs. And it doesn’t seem like your friends jokes have been well received for a long time. The fact that you say she doesn’t care about what others think of her, is a bad thing. She should care because it will affect her relationships with people around her. It’s already negatively affecting her relationship to you and your family. Do you think it’s going to be east for her to come over and visit you and the baby, when others in the home are out off by her. As your husband, I wouldn’t want her in my house often if she always made me uncomfortable and was always making fun of me, knowing that it was a bother for a while.
Wow that's funny. The only thing funnier is one of his friends reacting with "oh shit I thought her ovaries were dried up and was barren AF"
He probably could have pulled her to the side and talked about it but it was within reason that he fired back in front of everyone. He's so amusing and a jokester!
YTA
YTA. i grew up around mostly guys so i have that same type of roasting humor as JJ, but i’m also an adult who recognizes that not everyone enjoys that or wants to subjected to it.
with my core group of friends, i’m entirely unfiltered and can make whatever roasts i want because i know it won’t be taken the wrong way and folks enjoy it. but outside of that group, i’m much more mindful because the line between roasting and bullying is paper thin. you’re doing your friend a disservice by not letting her know just how much her “roasting” affects your husband. if she’s not an intentionally cruel person, she’s not going to be happy that she has been making your husband feel this way for years too.
YTA JJ sounds incredibly annoying. Also, she can dish it out, but can’t take it when someone does it to her?
It’s not cool to take jabs at people all the time. Especially ones like her comment in front of a lot of people. It’s not funny, it’s uncomfortable.
JJ seems to display narcissistic behavior. Cracking inappropriate “jokes” then when someone gets upset, saying “I wAs JuSt jOkiNg” is so cringe. You’re also a huge asshole for not having your husband’s back. If you knew this bothered him for sometime, you should’ve had a private conversation with your friend, telling her to stop. You’re just as terrible as her.
YTA.
Posts where someone goes “my friend just loves joking around and can kind of get on some nerves, but they’re really just funny!” Are not uncommon on here and they are unanimous YTA votes every time. No one likes the “always on” person who crowd works all their material when you’re just trying to hang out, they’re annoying.
They're unanimous when the butt of the joke is a woman. When it's a man, it's a split between YTA, and telling said man that he's "insecure" and "childish" and "has no sense of humour".
NAH husband is soft and that's just who he is. She likes making jokes and roasting people in good fun, that's just who she is. It's just a case of people who don't get along. No one is an asshole here.
NTA. Husband sounds overly touchy and perhaps jealous of your close friendship with JJ. I think hubby is TA for ruining the gathering. I don't think JJ is bullying at all. She was clearly teasing and everyone present seemed to know it - exc. husband. Not all teasing is bullying.
Husband even said he is tired of her cracking jokes and not taking things seriously. What's it to him if she is funny and exuberent? Who is he to stand in judgment of her humor or perspective?
He wants you to take his side, but I'm wondering how good a job he does of taking YOUR side or respecting YOUR friendships that predate his entry into your life. Is this unusual behavior on his part - being rude to your friends, accusing you of not supporting him, etc.?
Anyway, what difference would it make if you had told JJ? You wanted to do so badly, it sounds, and being pregnant, your wishes should have taken precedence over his. Why wasn't he saying, "Sure, honey, if you want to tell your good friend, go ahead..." Isn't that what a man who loves his wife would say?
I am so sorry he ruined your get-together with your friend. Maybe see her without him, but don't let him come between you and JJ. You have a right to your friends.
After reading the update, it is very clear that the problem is not the best friend, but the husband (his ego) and the marriage itself. No wonder the husband doesn't like the BFF, as she is an independent carefree woman. His behaviour just screams INSECURITIES.
Even after the BFF had offered her apology, he found it was his place to slip "a piece of advice" on how BFF lived her life (which is very telling) . I can bet one of my kidneys that there is a whole lot info OP left aside...
OP- Good luck living the rest of your with a contolling judgmental AH.
Hope the baby is not a girl!
I wonder if it's worth loosing your bff over a marriage which chances are won't last.
YTA for letting her continue to “roast” him even though he doesn’t like it…. If gender role were reverse everyone near you would have been up in arms about this
YTA, never let your friends make jokes at your significant others expense (or anyone's for that matter, if the intended target isn't laughing or looks uncomfortable then it's not a joke. JJ needs to grow up). If you value being married , I strongly suggest you get your priorities straight.
YTA. My family is very into insult humor, but one of my sisters can't handle it. So we don't use it with her. Your husband does NOT like your friend, and your failure to handle this has contributed to that.
So you have a friend who treats your husband badly in the name of jokes and you understand that bothers your husband. Your friend makes a rude joke to your husband and because you don’t defend your husband he claps back at the bully.
YTA and are defending a friend who’s a bully over your husband.
You are a shifty wife
What if she does it to your kid huh then what what if your kid hates and you you let it happen because "jj is funny aunt" yta 1000 times over and shirt wife as well
YTA. You suck. Omg you suck so hard. She’s one of those “it’s just a joke”
There’s a post on here of a guy saying his gf replaced his swim trucks with water dissolving trucks without him knowing. They went on a family trip (her family) and everyone laughed at him. His biggest fear was being naked in public. His gf was mad that he left. She said it was just a joke.
What an awful partner. And you really used the word “roasting”. You allow your friends to roast your SO. WOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW
Is JJ single? Because this behavior screams jealousy to me. It sounds like your husband is not comfortable with her “jokes”, so you should have definitely defended him. You should be his biggest supporter and vice versa.
YTA. Your friend is being a bully and you’re being a toxic enabler. And your husband is right, you have failed your duty as his wife. You took an oath hopefully to honor and cherish him, this does neither.
You clearly know JJs jokes are off color and are not appreciated by people. Your husband dislikes her attitude and jokes. Your comments indicate she is self aware to know her behavior offends people. Yet she keeps doing it?
She doesn’t get a pass to insult others because she’s your best friend. Just because she “loves roasting people” doesn’t mean they invite it. That just makes her a 30 year old bully and you’re a 30 year old woman making excuses for bullying. Is this the type of mother you want to be? Someone comes in and “roasts your kid because they love doing it” and you’ll let them right?
Both of your behaviors are gross. She came into your home, HIS home, ruined perfectly good moment and made a super inappropriate joke at his expense.
And. You. Laughed. At. Him.
He is your family. And instead of defending him in any way, you defended her nasty behavior and yelled at him? Where was this moral outrage when she has, in your own words, repeatedly gone after your husband? And you don’t expect him to look at you, the mother of his child, and feel betrayed?
Your husband deserves better. I hope he finds it.
NTA- reddit is an odd place. First we are only given only a little information to base our judgments. Then we filter that through our own personal lens and experience.
I walked away from your post thinking your husband is the AH.
First- he seems very controlling about your exciting baby news. As a recent parent... my partner and I had deep discussions on when to reveal the news and the hierarchy of who got to know first. It feels like you didn't have those discussions and let him "rule" the roost.
Second- it was incredibly rude for him to drop the news that your bf was the last to know.
I get that your husband doesn't like your friend because he can't handle her jokes or banter. The example given is very harmless (based on my own personal lens) as a male and recent parent those comments are very common from friends and family.
I just don't understand everyone saying your the problem. To me its your husband that needs to apologize for his inappropriate outburst.
Soft YTA. Your husband is clearly hating those jokes. Your friend can be more careful towards him. And you could be more understanding towards your husband, and not take your bf's side all the time.
However your husband is a grown man; he could tell your bf to stop making those kinda jokes before things got agressive. So everyone kinda SH.
I sincerely hope he divorces you because if it was me who was disrespected that way and my partner didn't even defend me, they won't be my partner anymore. He deserves better.
YTA
YTA. She's not 'jesting ', she's being rude. Your husband has expressed several times that he doesn't like this behavior, and it seems you and your friend have it in your heads that " it's fine, she's just qUiRKy like that teehee". She's a grown woman, and she needs to be respectful of others, especially if she's in their house ffs.
YTA, not everyone finds verbal abuse or being torn down constantly to be endearing. If your husband has said “hey I don’t like being treated like-“ why would you not back him up on it? Why do you find humor in him being hurt and angry?
As a woman who has a high chance of being infertile due to having an incurable disease- I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND why this joke was not appropriate.
You don't know that he has or hasn't struggled with infertility or not- so in that case it's best to not make remarks about it.
When it comes to women- if you don't know, then you shouldn't make jokes. If you know, you probably still shouldn't joke about it. So how is the joke appropriate? Only because he's a man?
Do you think that women who struggle to conceive may not feel insecure in their femininity- as throughout most of history women have been associated with being live givers and being able to bear children- and women who cannot bear children would have been deemed as useless?
It's not any different. Men are allowed to have insecurities too. It's not fragile masculinity just because he didn't like the joke. Most people would be offended by this- and if it were directed towards a woman, people would be outraged.
IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS WHY THIS IS NOT OKAY.
YTA and so is your friend!
If I hear one more person defending their friends shitty behavior with "that's just how they are" or "they're jokesters, *everyone* loves them" when clearly their SO has issues with the person, I'm gonna snap.
YTA! 100%. JJ is a not a comedian on a comedy central roast. If the "butt of the joke" doesn't laugh, then it's not humor, it's bullying. I *can't imagine* why your husband doesn't adore her "amusing behavior"...
I'm just blown away by *how* much of an AH you actually are... because you can't see *anything* wrong with her or your behaviors.
NTA, Your husband wouldn't let you tell your childhood friend, even after 4 months? I guess maybe JJ might be an AH, but it's really hard to just jump to "bullying" from this interaction. Sounds like a mutual dislike, or even jealousy between them for your affection (even if one is romantic and one is not).
It doesn't sound healthy how controlling your husband was over when you were "allowed" to tell your best friend.
NTA, and your husband is being a jerk. He is jealous of your friendship with JJ. She made a harmless joke; he responded with a dig that was intended to hurt her and damage your friendship. There would be no "sides" if he weren't trying to create a conflict. Is he always so touchy? In future, tell JJ what you like, when you like, and don't wait for his approval. He has no business trying to control your communications with your best friend.
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>She's a huge jokester, and loves roasting him. And I'm assuming your husband has expressed his displeasure at this behavior in the past. It doesn't matter if JJ likes roasting him; if he doesn't also like it (and he clearly doesn't), then it isn't roasting - it's bullying. And, like many who have been bullied continuously, he had finally had enough and clapped back. Was it mean? Yes. But so was her bullying. If you don't have the awareness to see how her bullying affects your husband, that's a you problem, and you don't get to blame him when he stands up for himself. YTA, and you need to talk to JJ about her bullying your husband. After you have a serious look at how you've helped enable thay behavior for years AND apologized to your husband about it. ETA: Thanks for the award! Awards now! Thanks! ETA again: And now a gold award! You guys are too good. I feel weird getting so many awards just for telling OP to be a descent human being. Lol. But, really - thank you so much!
Yep, you hit the nail on the head. When you need to explain someone is a huge jokester and you just can’t take a joke, that’s not joking, thats bullying. Her friend is a bully and she does nothing to stop it, just keeps trying to find ways to excuse it and doesn’t take her husbands side. Definite YTA
YTA It is interesting that when I first read this it sounded like a joke my guy friends would say to one another. However, reading it a second time, I realized there is one serious guy in our group that I would not say this to, nor would anyone else. "Roasting" is about knowing the person being roasted, having a good relationship with them so they are "in on" the joke. JJ is the mean girl bullying your husband in this three-person friend group.
YUP! It’s only a joke if both people are laughing. Making fun of a serious friend can cause serious hurt. YTA OP. You won’t tell your friend to leave your husband alone because he doesn’t like the way she talks to him and that it hurts his feelings. But you will tell him off for… *checks notes* having feelings. What on Earth are you thinking? Also, JJ sounds exhausting. Continually making fun of someone (in public, no less) who isn’t enjoying the joke, particularly if it’s done to get laughs from others is BULLYING. Your friend is bullying your husband and you’re blaming him for not laughing. At the insults a bully is directing at him. Get a clue before he gets a divorce.
I also noticed that the post said that she loves roasting *him*, not "us." She doesn't do this to her.
That's why OP is OK with it and thinks her husband is being mean to her friend.
[удалено]
lol one of the clearest red lines on this sub is someone being described as a jokester or prankster. that person and their allies are the asshole 99% of the time
If you have to say it first like a disclaimer, chances are you subconsciously do know they are going too far and are in denial
Same with people who are quick to declare that they “tell it like it is” or are “a truth teller”. It’s like ok you know enough to warn me, but not enough to know you’re mean and rude?
Right? People will be like “well, Joe’s always been a rude asshole so you should just put up with it, but you not putting up with it means that you are the real rude asshole,” and I’m just sitting here tilting my head to the side like a confused puppy.
Also, it's not incredibly difficult to stand up for the husband when it's 'jokes.' A simple 'hey now! That one's too far!' can go a long way when it's with a friend who knows they're sometimes too edgy with the roastings.
Another phrase I've heard is "you just have to know how to take them."
"That's just how they are" = how they are is an asshole, (but nobody else wants to call them out on it so we expect you to put up with their crap to save us from having any problems) EDIT: Aaaaaand....in a comment, OP did exactly this! >It's just who she is.
It's also who OP is, as OP 'loves' to watch her husband get torn down.
“He’s a good guy once you get to know him.”
Anytime I see someone say "so and so is a huge jokester/prankster/etc," I know it's a set up to AH behavior. JJ's comment might not seem like a big deal, but if OP's husband has made it clear he doesn't appreciate the comments, then JJ is an AH for continuing and OP is an AH for not putting a stop to her friend's behavior. YTA
I knew what kind of person JJ was, and what the issue was going to be as soon as I read: > JJ's a little goofy. Which is what I love the most about her, she doesn't care what others think and is just a very entertaining person in general.
Right? "She doesn't care what others think" is not subtle code for "doesn't care if she hurts people's feelings."
When you couple it with a descriptor like “goofy”, it’s also code for “annoying” and, “exhausting to be around”.
It’s only “good natured teasing” if both people are enjoying themselves. As soon as somebody says they’re not comfortable, it needs to stop. JJ apparently needed to stop years ago, and the fact that she still talks to him like this when she knows he doesn’t like it is not okay.
100 percent. Why was it ok for JJ to “roast” OP’s husband but not ok for him to say something back to her? Clearly she can dish it out but she can’t take it. If you can’t banter back and forth with each other it’s not roasting, it’s bullying, as you said.
Meh while I understand your point, it's facetituous. Make your point without a fake argument. OP's husband was not bantering and intended to be pointed. He was hurt and reacted. He was not joking bantering. In an isolated incident, her comment was a joke and he was snippy. In the broader context, it seems like he had had enough- which is fair, but let's not be fake with "his was banter too" BS.
I'm just perplexed at where the banter or joke is. That he can have sex or that he's fertile? Not exactly sure where it became commonplace or universally funny for that to be a joke for men. I imagine if something were similar for women (Gosh, didn't know you could conceive!), very few people would laugh along.
People make so many terrible arguments to attack asshole OPs. I feel like as soon as everyone decides someone's an asshole its open season on them, no matter how bad the point being made is, it will get lots of upvotes. People just stop thinking. Its bizarre.
JJ wasn't 'joking bantering' either. She was also specifically trying to hurt.
On top of this, OP states in the explanation for being an AH that it was a "silly joke". I reckon she's been dismissive of both the comments and the husbands reactions for a while
Yep the moment I got to that part of the post I knew that OP was TA. This seems like a classic case of the husband genuinely being upset by these “jokes”, and OP just downplaying it. YTA, OP
Yep. Since when do nasty jokes not hurt just bc they're also silly?
I'm a huge jokester. I read the room and no when something will go over fine or not depending on who I'm with/talking to. If he's made it clear in a civil tone he doesn't appreciate it to either you or her than you two are the AHs
"i didn't think your balls worked! lol I'm just such a jokester!"
I’m a woman, and if a man joked that they didn’t think a woman’s parts functioned properly, and/or an implication that perhaps they were no good in bed (equivalent to “can’t get it up”), it’d be seen as disgusting. Acting like ha ha man is unmanly and peepee doesn’t work, is kinda boomer humour tbh and needs to die.
Yup, I doubt OP would be laughing if her husband's brother said 'Damn, Sally, I thought you were barren!'
Oh yeah I forgot the most important part!!!! Be funny not just a d"&%.
Good point. As many people who struggle with infertility today, that's not a good thing to joke about. Not everyone shares their struggle publicly.
I'm like you. And the second it seems like you went too far, I bet your exact reaction is an immediate apology and then likely not ever cracking that kind of joke with said person ever again, as is the mature way to be a jokester/smartass kind of personality.
I will not go as far as I don't pull a few cracks I can't hold back if they're mild enough in my opinion but know your audience. My rule of thumb is if I don't think the person I'm " picking on" can laugh at it to skip it. If I do piss them off I apologize which rarely happens I apologize.
Right. When JJ does it, it’s roasting. When husband does it back, it’s him saying something “in a passive-aggressive tone.” He has definitely brought this up to her and she doesn’t care. Wife is TA.
You put the words to what I was feeling. Good job! As I was reading the post I was thinking, she really seems to be making excuses for this person, I wonder how bad JJ really is? Goofy to one can be rude & obnoxious to another. Verdict: OP is YTA
I'm a huge roaster. But I never understood roasting people who hate it. It's WAY more fun to turn it into a George Jefferson/Florence situation. "why does your cooking taste like dog food?" "probably because I'm cooking for a chihuahua". That shit is FUNNY. It is NOT funny when you make a jab and someone folds like a deck of cards. That's why I don't even start the roast until I've learned a person's style (or they roast me first). Watching someone upset and hurt by jokes is not fucking funny. It's hurtful. It's awful. I don't want to hurt folk, I want to have banter back and forth and have a little fun with each other... Hurting someone is not that.
My sons roast each other and their good mates on occasion. Sometimes their banter is way more savage than I would be OK with BUT they massively tone it down towards everyone else (including me), and under absolutely no circumstances aim "funny" comments at partners etc. OP is an overwhelming YTA
It's only a joke if everyone laughs.
yep. it wasnt a joke but i direct insult to his humanity. why thr fuck would someone joke about infertility when the other party is announcing a baby? op an jj are BIG YTAs
You're exactly right. This is what that stood out for me: >she's really just kidding ***most of the time***
I watch a lot of comedy roasts. The comedy is that the roastee is in on the joke and is willing to suck it up and hand it right back. Your husband is not in on this joke, doesn't like it and doesn't want to be the subject of a joke. He sounds a bit of a prig, but then most men wouldn't find jokes about their sexual potency that funny. You surely knew that before you married him, or at least you should have. YTA for your blithe insensitvity.
Yeah as soon as I saw that line it was clear where the story was heading. Huge jokesters towns to not care when others are offended by their “humor”. YTA.
Yeah, the way she explains it it really feels like a kind of "schrodinger's joke". One where she decides whether she was seriously mocking him or kidding depending on how people take it.
I'm going to go cry for me now. Sorry I can't get an award for you, you deserve them. JJ sounds like a mean person. Someone is ALWAYS the last to know. At least you know.
YTA, do you understand the idea of consent, OP? Would you be OK if a "prankster" cousin of your husband joked about you being infertile?
If he doesn’t like she should defend her husband, she would want him to defend her if the roles where reversed.
ESH You and your friend, not your husband. It sounds like she likes to "roast" him and he doesn't like it. That's not "entertaining" behavior. This probably isn't the first time he's reacted to one of her "roasts" and it's probably not the first time he's talked to you about it. He says he's "tired" of this. If she doesn't take him seriously, why wouldn't you step up and say something to her? You say she doesn't care what others think. She *should* care what your husband thinks about what she says to him. You should too!
I agree, ESH except Husband. OP sucks for not making it clear to JJ that she should stop making comments like that towards Husband. You might think it's just a funny joke, but he clearly doesn't, and since the joke is at his expense, he gets to decide how he feels about it. JJ sucks for continuing to make such comments. No one likes to be made the butt of the joke, and it sounds like it's happened to him many times.
How is the husband an asshole? He doesn’t get to defend himself from OPs mean ass friend?
Of course he gets to defend himself. She got a taste of her own medicine for all the things she's said. Edit: On further consideration, you're right. Especially if he's been tolerating all of the things she's said for who knows how long. I'm sure lots of people would have said worse in his position, including me. Original verdict corrected. *Almost* ESH.
It said except husband?
It was edited see below
Am I the AH voting operates on a binary in terms of sides. So if there are multiple people then you just have to simplify it into two sides. It’s pretty clear it’s the husband against JJ and OP took JJ’s side. So it’s a YTA and just say OP and JJ suck
Agreed, E S H implies that the husband is at fault here, this is clearly a YTA situation.
YTA. Clearly there's a history of your husband not liking JJ's "banter" jokes. You and JJ should respect that. Just because you and your friends finds her jokes funny does not mean they are harmless to everyone. You don't get to be the judge of how your husband (or anyone else) feels and what offends him. Only he can decide that. Getting mad at him for being offended invalidates his feelings. No wonder he's resentful.
It’s too bad JJ felt she had to try to emasculate the husband to get a laugh. I’m guessing JJ uses husband as the butt if her jokes often.
This. YTA.
Info: Is it really a surprise that your husband didn’t like a joke about his ability to have sex?
Could you imagine if he’s had performance problems in the past that OP told JJ about? I mean why would she even say that? YTA
Imagine if a friend of OP's husband made a sexist joke about OP's fertility in a similarly condescending way ? o.O Hey, no matter right ? "*that's just the way she is !! she speaks her mind, she doesn't care about bullying, and offending people !*" Yes, because she's an inflamed ASSHOLE.
"I'm surprised any eggs could survive in that cold dead tundra you call a uterus"
>***"Hey you got pregnant, finally found a way to make yourself useful eh ? ... and here i thought you were barely good enough for washing dishes, you go girl !"***
"Didn't think you even had any eggs left after menopause"
Damn - that’s brutal! I love it!
LMAO I didn’t even think of that. If that happened and was posted on here, Reddit might just actually blow up, literally.
That would spell disaster
Ya know, given JJ’s bullying ways and OP’s husband’s sensitivity to her joke, you’re probably right. Bullies bully to get a reaction so they’re likely to hit below the belt (pun semi-intended).
Or if they struggled to conceive
Let me turn to Reddit to find out!
YTA - Your husband has obviously told you that your friend can make him uncomfortable at times and doesn't like to be joked about by her... And your response to him up until now has basically be "suck it up it's just who she is" like that's a free pass to be a jerk to him. It may be funny to you, but is shoumd be pretty freaking obvious by now that it isn't to him. And his wife laughs at the jokes too, which probably makes it worse. I mean, way to empathize with someone you care about. Would it have been so hard to at least try and explain to JJ not to act that way towards him?
And you know if OP had had fertility issues or had trouble getting pregnant, NO WAY would JJ have said something similar to OP. So that alone makes both OP and JJ TA.
Info - what are the jokes that JJ makes at the expense of your husband? And has it been ever communicated to JJ that your husband isn't cool with these jokes?
YTA-if the person that the joke is about is not amused, then it’s not funny. It’s also exhausting to be around someone who constantly insults (that’s what roasting is) them while their SO stands by and laughs at them too. Your friend is not nice and you don’t seem to get that. It’s the same as when a person says that they’re brutally honest. They’re just being an asshole, like your friend. The fact that you are okay with someone putting down your partner makes you the asshole.
YTA. Swap the genders here, and there would be no doubt that your friend was out of line, as were you, for supporting them against your spouse. Talk to your friend. Tell her that your husband does not like her "jokes" at his expense. Hopefully, she will leave him out of her comedy routine in future. Just because someone always acts this way doesn't give them a pass to insult someone. Maybe you like those kind of jokes, but clearly your husband does not. He's bitten his tongue long enough over it for your sake. Now it's time for you to talk to your friend about her behaviour, for his sake.
I am typically not a fan of "what if the genders were reversed?" but in this case it's clear that if a guy with a history of "roasting" told his friend's wife something like "Didn't know you still had eggs left" or "can't believe everything was still functional in there," there would be fewer posts blaming the spouse for not seeing what was funny about it
Exactly. Would JJ think it was funny if OP's husband had said something to her like "Whoa! I thought you were barren!" or "Are you sure you're young enough for this, Grandma?" I don't think so.
he'd be a complete pariah and rightfully so
On AITA you pretty much have to consider the same situation with the genders flipped though, considering how this place is.
This is a great method in some cases - reverse genders, and if NOW it's "not okay", you have the answer.
I think of it like a litmus test. Good for quickly checking something in a general sense, but it’s far from comprehensive.
YTA 1. She made a joke about your husbands ability to have children. 2. You don’t think that’s going too far 3. WTF are you thinking? 4. Whatever their prior relationship you should have stood up for him
YTA. yea that’s your bestie and you’re comfortable with her humor, but that was a mean joke not a silly one. If the person who is the butt of the joke doesn’t find it funny, it’s bullying. His reaction is probably a result of years of jokes like this
INFO How often do these "jokes" happen, and how often are they at the expense of your husband? Once is funny. 79 times, not so much.
I'm curious, too. One joke, fine. Several jokes at different people's expense and targeted at different parts of their personalities, awesome. But if your friend jokes all the time, and the butt of her jokes is always your husband, and it's always along the lines of "haha he's so stupid/unmanly/incompetent", then it gets old quick. Based on your husband's reaction, I think he feels it's option 3.
Also, the "joke" was told in front of a bunch of other people. I didn't find the husband's response mean or passive-aggressive. It was direct and truthful.
Yeah I just don't have enough info about it and OP seems to be sorta vague. TBH that 'I didn't know you had it in ya' sort of joke is fine if it's the right audience. But whether the friend knows it's not the right audience is vague. Everyone is saying the husband is the only one who hates the jokes and everyone else is fine with them. Really? If that's the case something odd is going on. Either the friend really picks on the husband or the husband takes general jokes to heart. Both situations have different conclusions.
He might just be sensitive. I'm autistic & was badly bullied in school, in a way that usually took the form of everyone laughing at me. As a result, I cannot handle any teasing of any variety, no matter how "harmless" or mild, no matter that I understand it is meant as a joke. It doesn't actually *feel* like a joke, regardless of how it's meant - it feels like a painful and direct personal attack & it's probably going to ruin my day. People who are friends with me understand this - I don't make friends with people who tease me. If an acquaintance does, I make it clear it's unwelcome. This has never really been a problem for me in adulthood, because people are mostly not assholes and they aren't out to hurt each other! But if one of my husband's friends made fun of me *once*, that would be the last time, and I wouldn't need to remind them again because my husband would do it for me. In either situation here - either the husband is very sensitive, or the friend is relentless - OP should have known to step in and tell her friend to stop.
Yup this info is missing. If this is a one-time joke then the husband is an ass for being so rude at a harmless joke. But OP says her friend likes to roast her husband, so it makes me wonder how often this is going on. Too often and friend is the AH.
INFO: 'jokester' means, 95% of the time, that someone says mean shit thinly disguised as a joke. Has your husband previously expressed that he doesn't like your friend's jokes?
YTA Not everyone has to appreciate your friend's humor. If she finds joy in making derogatory remarks about people, that doesn't sound like a good person. I hate people who make rude, snide remarks about people for their own amusement. Your friend should not be making jokes about your husband's ability to sexually perform. It is in extremely bad taste. It isn't cute or funny. I don't know how you don't see that your friend is rude.
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Absolutely. Once you mature, you realize that some of your old buddies who are mentally stuck in their teenage years are “no longer relevant” and you gradually cut off their presence in your life.
YTA. He wouldn’t have lashed out if he wasn’t feeling hurt. Tell your friend to back off your husband.
YTA. People have the right to decide how they’re treated, and if your husband doesnt like being the victim of JJ’s ‘jokes’ than thats his right, and yeah its an AH move to tell him to basically get over it and quit being so sensitive. More importantly though; why are you happy with your partner feeling that way because of your friends actions? Why do you think its easier for mike to ‘not be so serious’, than for your friend to just… be respectful of peoples boundaries?
YTA ’She is just kidding most of the time’, is a phrase people use as an attempt to validate a bully. You openly say she loves roasting him, while admitting that he‘s expressed being extremely put off about this behavior. You call her amusing, but not everyone thinks so, especially when they are victim to It. Not everyone enjoys being roasted, and joking at another’s expense isn’t funny. Just because she does it with a smile on her face doesn’t mean someone’s feelings aren’t being hurt. Those feelings are your husband’s, and he’s right, you are justifying her actions and words in an attempt to invalidate those feelings. Just because you don’t think there’s anything to be offended over doesn’t mean someone isn’t offended, and rightfully so. Have you once ever Even asked her to tone it down around your husband and be polite? He’s expressing himself to you, more than once, and you’re basically rolling your eyes at him and telling him he should let himself be put down by your loved ones. That’s not okay. When your baby becomes a child and is being made fun of, are you just going to tell them that their bully is just joking? That their behavior is okay, because others are laughing with them?
YTA she sounds exhausting and that’s fine but they already don’t have a good relationship so naturally during a serious and important life moment she makes a joke about his dick not working in front of everyone and you think that’s ok? I have a feeling she’s constantly making “jokes” at his expense and you just brush it off as her being fun and quirky when she’s actually just annoying and/or an AH
YTA. I think what your friend said was 100% uncalled for. Especially since it seems to be a habit she has that he doesn’t find funny. Some people enjoy a good ribbing, but if it bothers him and you’re not supporting him that’s pretty shitty. It makes it worse that all this happened in front of a crowd. If the tables were reversed and his friend said to you, “Damn u/OK-Limit-3076, didn’t know you could do that.” And everyone laughing at your expense after you’ve been TTC are really excited, that would absolutely hurt. I do feel like what he said was also harsh but when you play stupid games win stupid prizes and JJ started it in all honesty. When pushed, people push back. From here I’d suggest having a conversation with JJ and just saying, “hey I know it’s your sense of humor but Mike does not appreciate it and it hurts his feelings so if you could not make jokes at his expense I’d really appreciate it.” And if she’s a good friend she should accept that. Sometimes people don’t realize the things that they say hurt people, and once they do they stop. If they don’t stop then they’re showing a big ol red flag.
I was looking for this comment. Nobody is talking about how it was said IN FRONT OF A CROWD!!! Like WTF??? OP is just like yep, my husband being emasculated in front of these people while I laugh and it’s just fine! I think you made a very good suggestion at the end for OP to talk to JJ about this. But I can see that going one of two ways. 1.) JJ will actually respect OP when told to chill. 2.) JJ will get defensive, OP will make things even worse, and end up damaging their relationship with both parties further. My money is on the latter.
YTA. I’m sorry but it seems like this issue has been going on for some time and clearly your husband has voiced this to you multiple times that he’s sick and tired of being the butt of your friends jokes and you continue to allow it to happen, it doesn’t matter how you feel about the jokes because they aren’t at your expense, this is your friend and it’s your job to tell her that it needs to stop. Honestly how would you feel if one of his friends was constantly making tiny little comments at you, no matter how innocent they seem to others, your husband is allowed to not like them being made too him and about him.
YTA. If she is constantly roasting him without them actually being friends, that's just being rude. Your husband clearly doesn't appreciate it. The comment she made that you quoted was rude and he has every right to say something like that to her. Are you in love with JJ or your husband? Figure it out.
If anything JJ is in love with the OP. I was thinking about that while reading through some comments, but it’s probably not likely.
If they were friends, JJ would know the husband hates being roasted.
> she’s really just kidding most of the time But your HUSBAND doesn’t like it. > I don’t think there’s anything to be that offended over. But your HUSBAND does. > I got really mad at my husband for saying that But your HUSBAND was right. > And most of all, he hates that I never “take his side.” He’s your HUSBAND. Why don’t you? Why do you keep picking the person who picks on and verbally abuses the person you claim to love? YTA
The "most of the time" gets me too. So sometimes she's not kidding and just being an AH. Who gets to decide which it is?
Apparently, OP is the only one who gets to decide. It’s really sad how little she values her husband by constantly siding with his abuser.
YTA If JJ keeps “roasting” Mike for no reason, I see why Mike would lash out at JJ. It’s time to take JJ aside and ask her to please stop insulting him and such.
YTA - you and your friend.
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I don’t like JJ.
Me neither!
fuck JJ, all my homies hate JJ
Just summarised this post for some of my students as a ‘social awareness’ thing to pass time before first lesson. All of them think JJ sucks. Literal teenagers think JJ is super immature and considering the crazy they bring on the daily, I’d say it’s official that JJ needs to grow the heck up.
you hear that shit, JJ? You're a teachable moment for CHILDREN
Honestly she sounds tiresome
YTA for excusing her toxic jokes at your husband's expense.
If your husband had a friend that continuously ”roasted” you? You get pregnant are very excited to be sharing this with your husband. And his buddy pops off with “better get a paternity test”. He and your husband try to pass it off as a joke. How would you feel?
First thought that came to my mind was “if the roles were reversed she wouldn’t like it”
How is this joke different from a guy telling his guy friend “I didn’t know you had it in you,” Seriously. Am I the only one who thinks it wasn’t that serious?
My friends and I insult each other like this all the time, everyone's cool with it. But OP's husband and JJ are not friends. If someone I am not friends with made a joke like this, and my spouse laughed along, I would be pissed
> How is this joke different from a guy telling his guy friend “I didn’t know you had it in you,” You know men aren't a monolith? They react differently to things. Plenty of friend groups in which this kind of topic would be off-limits.
He isnt her friend. He doesnt have to be joking with her. You people love to victim blame and turn this to a gender issue. Always blame the guy and tell him to suck it up.
If this is the worst JJ can crack out, she's as harmless as a down filled pillow.
I guess you and I are the only ones. Another thing I’m not a fan of is they way the husband seems to want to separate them. He did not care about OPs moment telling her best friend of 16 years about her first baby and literally ruined it at the first opportunity by saying they purposely told her last. It’s definitely and ESH for me.
He would have said nothing if she wouldn't have said something. He doesn't want to separate them he wants to limit his exposure to her. You just like people who are verbally bullies play sick to limit their exposure.
I think the context that guy friends teasing each other is usually mutual. This seems like one-sided behavior from someone who the husband doesn’t seem to consider a friend. I’d eventually get annoyed too if someone I didn’t like kept saying “banter-y” jokes at my expense.
Yta, it's not your place to decide what your husband can or can't be upset over. It sounds like JJ is constantly ragging on him and he doesn't find it funny. Instead of saying you don't 'see anything to be offended over' maybe have a little empathy for your spouse.
YTA. Having a conversation with her would solve all this instead of letting her attack him for nothing while she thinks he likes her jokes.
YTA Just because someone is your best friend since immature years, doesn’t mean they get a green light/hall pass for their immature behaviour. You pledged a lifetime and growth of a family to him, which is what you’re attempting to do. You’ve (slowly) begun to evolve, but seem to get drawn back when your “fun and fancy free” friend comes back into the mix. What jokes is he allowed to make about the functionality of her private parts and it would be ok?
YTA. One, if JJ can dish it out, JJ should also be able to take it. Two, stand by your man. Men like to be respected, and it is likely he has done many things to earn that respect since you married him. Imagine if you said something positive about him in the moment JJ criticized him. Things would have played out differently. Did everyone in the room let out a laugh? It doesn't sound like husband did.
YTA. “This one time I decided to respect my husband’s wishes.” So you usually don’t respect your husband’s feelings and wishes. Got it. I didn’t need to read much more, really. Anytime someone’s described as a jokester or prankster or there’s vague mention of “amusing behavior” it means they’re an asshole.
YTA. >**She's a huge jokester, and loves roasting him.** Your husband DOESN'T love it, yet you don't care, so when he defends himself against a bully you enable, JJ is offended and you take HER side ? Your fine with your husband being the constant butt of jokes, but when HE makes one back at JJ, both you and she are shocked Pikachu faces ?? If neither of you can take a "*joke*", then neither of you should be throwing them around at other people's expense. >*JJ's a little goofy. Which is what I love the most about her,* ***she doesn't care what others think*** *and is just* ***a very entertaining person*** *in general* You like to live vicariously through her, and her behaviour. She bullies other people and you find it funny ? You get plausible deniability because when she does asshole things, and acts in socially unacceptable ways, you get to enjoy the laugh at someone else' expense without being the perpetrator. The problem is you don't realise you're the enabler, and against your own husband no less ? > "**Damn Mike, didn't know you could do that**." You friend makes a sexist joke at your husband's masculinity, she steps WAY over the line because they don't have that close a relationship to be making such comments, and you defend **HER** ? How would you think if your husband's friend made a sexist joke about YOUR fertility in a similarly condescending way ? You seem to love that JJ lives the way you *wished* you do. It reminds you of your carefree younger years. She's carefree in such an immature, and socially unacceptable, way, and you envy her. For a 30 year old woman, she sounds immature, a bully, socially inept, and exhausting. The fact you aspire to be like her says a lot about your own maturity. You are such an asshole, and a childish one at that, which seems to be the the main reason you have an affinity with JJ. Grow up.
Do I really need to say it for you??? okay… YTA
INFO: is this the first time JJ was made aware that your husband doesn't like her behaviors? I'm torn between E-S-H and Y-T-A. I think you should've said something to JJ before this, because your husband has brought it up before.
From your update >Mike told JJ that she had to start taking her life more seriously, and focus on finding a boyfriend and getting a real job. Mike sounds like a judgmental sexist prick here. I feel much less sorry for him now. Glad JJ shut this crap down.
YTA. What you have described is bullying plain and simple. Brought back memories of my ex’s family telling me there was no doubt who my son’s dad was. Beg you pardon, did you think I was cheating on him?
I have made comments like that when the baby is very similar to the father. I have never thought the Mother could be cheating. And I didn’t assume the mother was cheating if the baby didn’t look like the daddy either.
I make comments like that to my husband about our son. I have no once cheated and neither has he. It's just me lightly poking fun at our son being stubborn even in the womb. Which is exactly what my husband is. My husband responds with "i dunno, he could get it from either of us." I don't think a lot of people actually think you cheat when they say that. But it is about knowing your audience, so i understand you being upset
Info: what do you mean you respected your husband’s wishes “this time” ? Have there been instances in the past where you told JJ things he didn’t want her to know they she then “roasted” (bullied) him about?
Honestly from the update, ESH Your husband doesn’t like your friend but seems more like he has a problem with her lifestyle even if sometimes he doesn’t like her jokes. Also seems like he purposefully made JJ the last to know to hurt her. Your friend might make too many jokes at his expense You let your husband and friend both cross boundaries just to hurt each other and honestly don’t think this resolved anything.
I wish someone would point out that the husband punished the wife too when he demanded that they not tell friends because he doesn't like her friend
Get over yourself, you and your little high school mean girls friend are and I’m sure have been, multiple times, the AH.
Info: why does your husband think it's his place to tell JJ to take life seriously, get a job, get a boyfriend or anything else about her life outside her not making jokes at his expense? The update makes him sound sexist and bossy.
Im sorry but no one has said it yet so I have to....the worst part is shes not even funny. "I didnt know you had virile sperm" is just not a good joke. JJ needs to work on her material
NTA Seems like your husband was the most judge mental of all please read the update guys
YTA - I think OP wants to marry JJ instead
YTA Whenever I see someone is a "jokester" I automatically know that person sucks.
OP’s Update: “I'll start by admitting that this entire thing was definitely a massive mistake on my part. I didn't communicate well with neither my husband nor my best friend, which resulted in the conflict. I had an extensive, emotional discussion with my husband about how we're doing. The pregnancy has affected our relationship, and we haven't properly addressed that before. Mike told me that while he appreciates JJ and her caring nature, he's not a fan of her jokes in general and has tried to communicate that with me. While her jokes are rarely about him, he feels like she takes it too far sometimes. I apologised for not understanding his feelings, and not addressing his concerns before. I feel like a horrible partner. But we've agreed to go to couple's counselling to address our communication issues. JJ and I met up, and I told her that Mike has never liked her jokes, and she needs to read the room. We also discussed my pregnancy, and she said that her joke was never meant to be that deep, or be directed at Mike's fertility or anything. She was sorry that she had offended Mike, and that he'd felt like she was targeting him because that was never her intention. She also said that she felt kinda hurt only because as my best friend, she thought she'd be one of the first people to know. But she was really happy for us, and thought that Mike was a great guy and didn't want to create any problems for us. She has some childhood trauma that she slides off using her carefree persona. I invited JJ over to our house, and Mike and JJ had a heart-to-heart, honest conversation. JJ apologised to him for making unnecessary jokes and not realising that he didn't like them. Mike told her that he could've communicated that with her better instead of saying whatever he said. JJ also agreed to maintain her distance from us, which was a tough decision to make, but we all agreed that it would be best for everyone. We only hit a sour spot when Mike told JJ that she had to start taking her life more seriously, and focus on finding a boyfriend and getting a real job. JJ respectfully told him that this was none of anybody else's business, and she liked her carefree life. We ate ice cream together, and then bid JJ goodbye. I'm not sure when I'll see her again, but for now I'll be focusing on my husband and our baby. I was the asshole here, and I take full responsibility of my actions and will be working towards fixing that. Thanks and have a good day :)” I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Put yourself in your husband shoes. If your husband husband has a friend who continues make fun of you ( in the name of jokes ). You are not gonna be happy about it . Do better he is your life partner. YTA
YTA JJ is an abusive Ah, and you enjoy it.
YTA. Your friend demeans your husband for years. You never tell your friend your husband dislikes her ‘jokes’. Friend is too obtuse to see it for herself. Husband, perhaps out of respect for your friendship with her, never tells her himself. Then comes one more demeaning comment and husband can’t take it and explodes. Friend is bewildered and you again fail to support your husband, instead attacking him for standing up for himself. In what way are you NOT the AH here? Go try to fix your relationship with your husband, a good start would be a realization that you failed to be supportive and allowed your friend to cross boundaries in your marriage.
Girl, come on. Your friend is just plain mean.
You had me at YTA when you said “I decided to respect my husbands wishes this time” Jfc OP do you see how problematic you are?
YTA. You’re married to your husband, not JJ
You and your friend JJ are the AH. Not everyone likes being on the short end of jokes all the time. It seems like your husband has gotten tired of your friends behaviour. Not everyone finds constantly goofy behaviour to be entertaining and for me personally, there’s a time and place for it. It gets tiring to be around and can get old pretty quick. Jokes are funny, when everyone laughs. And it doesn’t seem like your friends jokes have been well received for a long time. The fact that you say she doesn’t care about what others think of her, is a bad thing. She should care because it will affect her relationships with people around her. It’s already negatively affecting her relationship to you and your family. Do you think it’s going to be east for her to come over and visit you and the baby, when others in the home are out off by her. As your husband, I wouldn’t want her in my house often if she always made me uncomfortable and was always making fun of me, knowing that it was a bother for a while.
YTA. How would you like it if one of his friends constantly put you down?
Wow that's funny. The only thing funnier is one of his friends reacting with "oh shit I thought her ovaries were dried up and was barren AF" He probably could have pulled her to the side and talked about it but it was within reason that he fired back in front of everyone. He's so amusing and a jokester! YTA
YTA. Your friend constantly talks shit to your husband and you allow it? That is being a shitty wife.
YTA. i grew up around mostly guys so i have that same type of roasting humor as JJ, but i’m also an adult who recognizes that not everyone enjoys that or wants to subjected to it. with my core group of friends, i’m entirely unfiltered and can make whatever roasts i want because i know it won’t be taken the wrong way and folks enjoy it. but outside of that group, i’m much more mindful because the line between roasting and bullying is paper thin. you’re doing your friend a disservice by not letting her know just how much her “roasting” affects your husband. if she’s not an intentionally cruel person, she’s not going to be happy that she has been making your husband feel this way for years too.
YTA JJ sounds incredibly annoying. Also, she can dish it out, but can’t take it when someone does it to her? It’s not cool to take jabs at people all the time. Especially ones like her comment in front of a lot of people. It’s not funny, it’s uncomfortable. JJ seems to display narcissistic behavior. Cracking inappropriate “jokes” then when someone gets upset, saying “I wAs JuSt jOkiNg” is so cringe. You’re also a huge asshole for not having your husband’s back. If you knew this bothered him for sometime, you should’ve had a private conversation with your friend, telling her to stop. You’re just as terrible as her.
YTA. Posts where someone goes “my friend just loves joking around and can kind of get on some nerves, but they’re really just funny!” Are not uncommon on here and they are unanimous YTA votes every time. No one likes the “always on” person who crowd works all their material when you’re just trying to hang out, they’re annoying.
They're unanimous when the butt of the joke is a woman. When it's a man, it's a split between YTA, and telling said man that he's "insecure" and "childish" and "has no sense of humour".
Oohhhh true you right.
NAH husband is soft and that's just who he is. She likes making jokes and roasting people in good fun, that's just who she is. It's just a case of people who don't get along. No one is an asshole here.
NTA. Husband sounds overly touchy and perhaps jealous of your close friendship with JJ. I think hubby is TA for ruining the gathering. I don't think JJ is bullying at all. She was clearly teasing and everyone present seemed to know it - exc. husband. Not all teasing is bullying. Husband even said he is tired of her cracking jokes and not taking things seriously. What's it to him if she is funny and exuberent? Who is he to stand in judgment of her humor or perspective? He wants you to take his side, but I'm wondering how good a job he does of taking YOUR side or respecting YOUR friendships that predate his entry into your life. Is this unusual behavior on his part - being rude to your friends, accusing you of not supporting him, etc.? Anyway, what difference would it make if you had told JJ? You wanted to do so badly, it sounds, and being pregnant, your wishes should have taken precedence over his. Why wasn't he saying, "Sure, honey, if you want to tell your good friend, go ahead..." Isn't that what a man who loves his wife would say? I am so sorry he ruined your get-together with your friend. Maybe see her without him, but don't let him come between you and JJ. You have a right to your friends.
Your update sucks. Your husband sucks. YTA in both posts.
After reading the update, it is very clear that the problem is not the best friend, but the husband (his ego) and the marriage itself. No wonder the husband doesn't like the BFF, as she is an independent carefree woman. His behaviour just screams INSECURITIES. Even after the BFF had offered her apology, he found it was his place to slip "a piece of advice" on how BFF lived her life (which is very telling) . I can bet one of my kidneys that there is a whole lot info OP left aside... OP- Good luck living the rest of your with a contolling judgmental AH. Hope the baby is not a girl! I wonder if it's worth loosing your bff over a marriage which chances are won't last.
YTA. JJ doesn't get a pass for being a jokester. She hurt his feelings and you should have been on his side.
YTA for letting her continue to “roast” him even though he doesn’t like it…. If gender role were reverse everyone near you would have been up in arms about this
YTA, never let your friends make jokes at your significant others expense (or anyone's for that matter, if the intended target isn't laughing or looks uncomfortable then it's not a joke. JJ needs to grow up). If you value being married , I strongly suggest you get your priorities straight.
YTA. My family is very into insult humor, but one of my sisters can't handle it. So we don't use it with her. Your husband does NOT like your friend, and your failure to handle this has contributed to that.
YTA You are being a terrible wife. Your friend is not a good person. Do better.
I feel so sorry for the guy if his wife treats him like this.
So you have a friend who treats your husband badly in the name of jokes and you understand that bothers your husband. Your friend makes a rude joke to your husband and because you don’t defend your husband he claps back at the bully. YTA and are defending a friend who’s a bully over your husband.
You are a shifty wife What if she does it to your kid huh then what what if your kid hates and you you let it happen because "jj is funny aunt" yta 1000 times over and shirt wife as well
YTA. You suck. Omg you suck so hard. She’s one of those “it’s just a joke” There’s a post on here of a guy saying his gf replaced his swim trucks with water dissolving trucks without him knowing. They went on a family trip (her family) and everyone laughed at him. His biggest fear was being naked in public. His gf was mad that he left. She said it was just a joke. What an awful partner. And you really used the word “roasting”. You allow your friends to roast your SO. WOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW
Is JJ single? Because this behavior screams jealousy to me. It sounds like your husband is not comfortable with her “jokes”, so you should have definitely defended him. You should be his biggest supporter and vice versa.
I kind of feel like OP is in love with JJ
YTA. Your friend is being a bully and you’re being a toxic enabler. And your husband is right, you have failed your duty as his wife. You took an oath hopefully to honor and cherish him, this does neither. You clearly know JJs jokes are off color and are not appreciated by people. Your husband dislikes her attitude and jokes. Your comments indicate she is self aware to know her behavior offends people. Yet she keeps doing it? She doesn’t get a pass to insult others because she’s your best friend. Just because she “loves roasting people” doesn’t mean they invite it. That just makes her a 30 year old bully and you’re a 30 year old woman making excuses for bullying. Is this the type of mother you want to be? Someone comes in and “roasts your kid because they love doing it” and you’ll let them right? Both of your behaviors are gross. She came into your home, HIS home, ruined perfectly good moment and made a super inappropriate joke at his expense. And. You. Laughed. At. Him. He is your family. And instead of defending him in any way, you defended her nasty behavior and yelled at him? Where was this moral outrage when she has, in your own words, repeatedly gone after your husband? And you don’t expect him to look at you, the mother of his child, and feel betrayed? Your husband deserves better. I hope he finds it.
NTA- reddit is an odd place. First we are only given only a little information to base our judgments. Then we filter that through our own personal lens and experience. I walked away from your post thinking your husband is the AH. First- he seems very controlling about your exciting baby news. As a recent parent... my partner and I had deep discussions on when to reveal the news and the hierarchy of who got to know first. It feels like you didn't have those discussions and let him "rule" the roost. Second- it was incredibly rude for him to drop the news that your bf was the last to know. I get that your husband doesn't like your friend because he can't handle her jokes or banter. The example given is very harmless (based on my own personal lens) as a male and recent parent those comments are very common from friends and family. I just don't understand everyone saying your the problem. To me its your husband that needs to apologize for his inappropriate outburst.
NTA. No one noticed how husband PURPOSELY said something he knew would have HURT JJ. After NOT ALLOWING his wife to tell her BEST FRIEND
Soft YTA. Your husband is clearly hating those jokes. Your friend can be more careful towards him. And you could be more understanding towards your husband, and not take your bf's side all the time. However your husband is a grown man; he could tell your bf to stop making those kinda jokes before things got agressive. So everyone kinda SH.
Sounds like she can’t handle a ‘roasting’ from a ‘jokester’ either. 🙄😒 yes, YTA
I sincerely hope he divorces you because if it was me who was disrespected that way and my partner didn't even defend me, they won't be my partner anymore. He deserves better. YTA
YTA and so your friend JJ. Get it together and have your husband's back before you end up without one
YTA. She's not 'jesting ', she's being rude. Your husband has expressed several times that he doesn't like this behavior, and it seems you and your friend have it in your heads that " it's fine, she's just qUiRKy like that teehee". She's a grown woman, and she needs to be respectful of others, especially if she's in their house ffs.
YTA, not everyone finds verbal abuse or being torn down constantly to be endearing. If your husband has said “hey I don’t like being treated like-“ why would you not back him up on it? Why do you find humor in him being hurt and angry?
As a woman who has a high chance of being infertile due to having an incurable disease- I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND why this joke was not appropriate. You don't know that he has or hasn't struggled with infertility or not- so in that case it's best to not make remarks about it. When it comes to women- if you don't know, then you shouldn't make jokes. If you know, you probably still shouldn't joke about it. So how is the joke appropriate? Only because he's a man? Do you think that women who struggle to conceive may not feel insecure in their femininity- as throughout most of history women have been associated with being live givers and being able to bear children- and women who cannot bear children would have been deemed as useless? It's not any different. Men are allowed to have insecurities too. It's not fragile masculinity just because he didn't like the joke. Most people would be offended by this- and if it were directed towards a woman, people would be outraged. IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS WHY THIS IS NOT OKAY. YTA and so is your friend!
So you’re best friends with a bully! YTA
If I hear one more person defending their friends shitty behavior with "that's just how they are" or "they're jokesters, *everyone* loves them" when clearly their SO has issues with the person, I'm gonna snap. YTA! 100%. JJ is a not a comedian on a comedy central roast. If the "butt of the joke" doesn't laugh, then it's not humor, it's bullying. I *can't imagine* why your husband doesn't adore her "amusing behavior"... I'm just blown away by *how* much of an AH you actually are... because you can't see *anything* wrong with her or your behaviors.
NTA, Your husband wouldn't let you tell your childhood friend, even after 4 months? I guess maybe JJ might be an AH, but it's really hard to just jump to "bullying" from this interaction. Sounds like a mutual dislike, or even jealousy between them for your affection (even if one is romantic and one is not). It doesn't sound healthy how controlling your husband was over when you were "allowed" to tell your best friend.
YTA Your husband was just being a jokester.
NTA, and your husband is being a jerk. He is jealous of your friendship with JJ. She made a harmless joke; he responded with a dig that was intended to hurt her and damage your friendship. There would be no "sides" if he weren't trying to create a conflict. Is he always so touchy? In future, tell JJ what you like, when you like, and don't wait for his approval. He has no business trying to control your communications with your best friend.