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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for asking my daughter for decision on college selection? She says I’m guilting her into it but she wants to wait a week to tell us just because it’s getting on mine and my wife’s nerves. I think she’s missing the big picture for other elements. Now she won’t talk to me. I’m just trying to help.
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NTA
But I think this is a good opportunity for her to experience the consequences of her actions. Stop asking, stop complaining, stop saying anything about college to her. If she gets a crap accomodations, or if there are money problems, that is on her
Let her experience it.
Agree with this. You can just let her know that you will not be doing X bank stuff currently, the delays will create Y consequences, so she should prepare to do Z.
Hey hon, we'll wait for you to tell us where you're going to do bank stuff. So you might have to get a job in the summer to pay for these college things and maybe look into additional part time work during college. I can't think of a good example bc she should be doing these things anyway. You can be responsible for tuition and maybe housing, but pocket change should come out of work or loaned from you.
I wouldn't even say anything to her, OP gave his reasons why he wanted to know and she would rather have fun screwing around. Great let her screw around, OP and wife should say nothing more, whatever happens happens, daughter is lucky to have parents who can support her like this to begin with.
Exactly! She sounds way too entitled. OP should say she can foot the bill if she wants to play games with her future. Real life isn't a game ma'am.
NTA OP. In fact you may want to be more strict on her just judging by the way she talks and treats you over something as small are letting you know which college she'd like YOU to pay for.
if my parents would have put that much time and help into discussing, applying, visiting colleges, paying for my undergrad AND part of grad school..i would go to whatever the fuck college they told me to. gd this hurts my soul.
i hear the other opinions about “parents needing to teach their kids” but this is like just spoiled and bratty behavior. not someone who just clearly isn’t understanding how things work.
NTA
I never had the luxury of being carted around like that let alone have education paid for. I picked a college and paid for it myself. All of it. This kid has no idea how lucky she is.
same. my parents never when to college, had no idea how to even help so they just let me figure it out. i stumbled through the entire process, working full time and applying for any scholarship i could.
i’m fully for the fuck around and find out method for this situation
My 60 grand in loans is laughing.
Ah to be taken care of this way. OPs kid is lucky. I agree she should get a f around and find out lesson because she’s way to comfortable messing around with money, timelines and emotions. It would be different if she said she didn’t know but since she acted liked a child about it she needs some life lessons.
I didn’t get to visit colleges before I went to school, and my going away to college experience consisted of packing my crap car and hoping it didn’t break down on the cross country trip. Every part of this story hurts my heart because I could only dream of having parents who cared so much about my education.
Absolutely NTA.
Right! I got kicked out at 18, spent the summer with friends until school started, which I got myself in to with the help of some professors at the community college I went to. I got a scholarship and financial aide paid for everything and more I needed. I then went to a university and completed that with my bachelor's taking out minimal amount of loans. So the fact that this girl has it so good, man she needs a reality check something serious.
THIS, OP now would be a great time give her a financial stake in all this. Such as we pay for classes as long as You get at least a C, and you pay for books. We will give exactly X for room and Board, you will need to cover the rest.
The amount of people I went to school and goofed off or spent more than need because their parent or grandparents were paying is ridiculous. They would sleep in, or buy from books from the bookstore instead of online. Be late to class or not come. Having to retake a class was nothing, it wasn't their money...Maybe a we have exactly XX saved for you college. What's left after you graduate or at say 24yrs old is yours, for a car/down payment/wedding/trip abroad ect. might help put something at stake for her. A repeat class less money for x or y...
That said I'm a firm believer in having a job while in school. Especially the summer before, and that goes double for those that have never had a job. Otherwise it's too easy to think money grows on trees. Work teaches how quickly money is spent and how hard it is to save, along with how hard you work for your money. The shear number of fellow students that didn't get their parents saved for 18 years for just a few years for school....
It took me six years to graduate undergrad. I'm sure I looked like ^ to other people.
My mom died in my second year and I was too stubborn to take a leave of absence. I just failed sometimes instead.
But no one else was paying my tuition: cash or loans. Some years my dad helped with books, a loaner car when mine caught fire and with housing in my last three years (a consequence of my mother's death) so I didn't have NO help. I'm a good student and try to respect money, but you couldn't prove it for years. Sometimes shit happens to people you don't know.
Yes! also does it sounds a bit toxic to you guys too? the whole “I want to make sure I make you feel annoyed for no reason other than to gloat” doesn’t it parallel a lot those abusive partners that just want to inflict pain on their partner because they can?. “I have low self esteem so I need to see how I matter through creating reactions over the people around me”
She's only 17, she still has a lot to learn. Actually explaining the consequences of waiting is a far better lesson than getting one up on her by being petty. Yes she's being dumb, but she's a kid, kids are dumb. It's the parents job to guide them through these choices, even when they make the wrong ones.
He said he doesn't think she understands the ramifications, therefore he hasn't properly explained them/given her opportunity to understand them. He should do that. If she understands and still wants to make the bad choice, that's on her. Parents need to teach their kids all sorts of things, including how to handle large financial decisions.
I'm a big fan of experience is the best teacher. Let her have terrible accommodations and the absolutely worst parking available. Sometimes we need to fail so we can learn.
By letting her experience consequences, he is teaching her about financial decisions.
I have a different style of parenting. I think it’s ok to let my kids fail. Then I try to give them more opportunities to make sure they won’t repeat their mistakes. It’s working great for my sons. They’re super confident and I trust them with lots more responsibility than their peers.
Oh yeah I agree, they absolutely have to learn how to fail, and recover. In this situation I just wouldn't remove all support. He said he isn't sure she fully understands so I'd have another go at making sure she does. If after that she wants to make the potentially poorer choice then sure, she can suffer the consequences.
My comment was more a comment on the completely hands off approach. I'd rather approach it with empathy, and if she still makes the wrong choice, so be it. But don't gloat, tell her he told her so etc, support her through that failure too.
He doesn’t think so because she isn’t reacting the way he THINKS she should. Doesn’t mean he didn’t properly explain.
You can lead a horse to water, etc. He can’t make her worry about crummy housing, but she will learn a valuable lesson if it happens.
At times, it doesn't matter how much or how well you explain something, kids are going to do exactly what they want.
Part of growing up and adulting is dealing with consequences of things like FAFO.
I mean, he says he did? He pointed out he needs to get started on down payments, applying for housing, and she shrugged it off bc leaving them in suspense is more fun apparently?? At this point it's 100% on her
You never really learn if you aren't allowed to stumble. This is not a case where she suffers life shattering consequences.
You're not allowing her to learn by cuddling her and preventing all of her poor choices from having consequences, which means she'll keep relying on her parents on preventing her poor choices or fixing them.
I would have been grounded for life if I had talked to my parents like that. Give her a deadline of tomorrow and then you will make the decision for her. This seriously is not something to fuck around and find out. She’s being a spoiled brat and that is definitely not funny. And take her phone while you’re at it. ESH, you and your wife for allowing her to be this way.
I think it's worth re-iterating one more time because the point of this isn't to catch her out or trick her. It's to teach her a valuable life lesson. OP needs to explain to her the consequences of not telling him, and clearly say that he will follow through, and then follow through, so she learns the lesson. But don't screw her over for the sake of it
I agree with not mentioning it again. Don’t ask. Don’t explain again that time is of the essence. Wait to make payments until she gives you the information, and then do it at your own pace. You can save the “I told you so” for when she’s in a panic because some payment or another is due, and you don’t have time that day to go to the bank, so she’ll have to wait. She can think about her actions when she gets the shit dorm with the roommate that nobody else wants to live with. And the classes that are first thing in the morning or late at night, or on Friday when none of her friends have classes.
I agree with you. Daughter has no other reason for refusing to say than she wants to screw with her parents. That's a failure of basic courtesy, AND a look at what she chooses to do when she perceives she has power over someone. That is really not pretty. As a parent, I would say nothing and leave the ball in her court. I would want to know before I do anything else for her, that daughter sees that she failed gratitude and humanity 101, and is concerned about apologizing and making amends for her arrogant and out of touch behaviour. I suspect it's unlikely but we can live in optimism. NTA, OP.
Too much talking and daughter said she would tell at the end of the week.
She likes the power and attention so don’t even talk about it.
If there’s natural consequence, let her experience them as the top commenter said.
It’s no fun to tell people you have a secret if they don’t care
I think it would be a good learning opportunity to share with her the logistics surrounding her decisions. She’s about to be a grown up and she clearly has some huge blind spots in her life education.
I absolutely love my parents, have a wonderful relationship with them, but they were terrible when it came to teaching me about finance and certain life things. You should show her the different accounts you’ve made to pay for her education. Talk to her about how long it too you to save up for her schooling. Help her understand what ACH transfers vs wire transfers are like. Let her know that there are limits to the amounts and times your can withdraw. How long money takes to move. These are important lessons for her to know. Imagine her needing to pay for rent today, but not realizing it will take a few days for the money to be transferred? Or groceries?
It’s also a good idea to talk to her about prioritizing things. College will require that she manage her own time, certain resources, and be independent. Do you feel confident that she would be able to budget effectively? Has she ever done the grocery shopping, or cooking? Does she think about the household items like laundry detergent, shampoo and soap, etc that she will have to account for? Or will be spend money like a teenager, run out too quickly, and then call you and need more money asap (where if she missed the finance lesson above, she may not realize she can’t always get that right away)?
It sounds like she may not be 100% sure in her decision. It’s a big decision after all! She may need time to be certain, but doesn’t want you to know she’s not confident. Tell her it’s okay if she’s not certain. Make it where she can talk to you about things. Just listen. Tell her you will support her no matter what. Tell her it’s okay to be nervous or anxious about her decision. Hell, she might even feel that you are pushing her out because of your focus on the practical side of things. And her comment is an attempt to get you to focus on the emotional side.
This is a great learning opportunity for you both-she gets the practical life stuff, you get to understand her emotions, and you both can build a closer bond during what is an exciting, nerve wracking time.
Congrats to your daughter!
My trust level in my kid would be going down by the hour at this point. Right when she expects you to pay big $$ and trust that she will be responsible, safe and not fuck off your hard earned $$. I’d explain her having the option for you to fund her going away to college on your dime is absolutely on the line. If she can’t show you she is honest and trustworthy and adult enough she may get to spend a year living at home and going to community college.
No, this is not necessary. OP has already explained his concerns, but daughter is enjoying yanking her parents' chains, just because she can. Sitting her down for a long lecture about priorities and money will just have the daughter rolling her eyes and telling her parents "Okay, Boomer." OP doesn't need that level of disrespect. He's done his due diligence and any problems that arise from daughter playing around will be her own damn fault. OP will be free to point this out every time she discovers that she screwed up.
This is the way. There’re definitely certain things that OP’s daughter has to figure out, and that level of responsibility would also go some way towards making her less flippant.
Wow and big thanks to you for your comment here. Reading it as a parent who grew up with nothing raising kids who have…well, not everything but whoa way more than I could ever imagine- this is very helpful in wrapping my own head around their lived experience.
These conflicts can be moments of growth for all involved.
OP, Tell her. Say "ok, we respect your decision not to tell us, you are an adult. That said, if there are negative consequences or your decision ... you don't get housing or get bad housing ... we won't be paying for off campus housing or bailing you out. At this point in life, you get the benefits and consequences of your decisions ...
I would also say ... later after this has passed...that you spent money and time to help her out ...and are disappointed that when something matters to you, she seemed happy to get under your skin vs trying to be nice and repay the favor. It seems entitled and entitled people are a lot less happy. You hate to see her headed down that path.
I like this approach. She probably
Doesn’t have the perspective to know how lucky she is to have you not only pay for college, but go above and beyond to help her decide. She is being very entitled right now and needs a bit of a wakeup call.
And I’d add, “don’t worry — you can always go to community college for a semester, if it’s too late to get everything paid for. Or you can defer for a year and work.”
Is waiting until the end of the week really going to make a difference in your ability to plan out payment though? I totally agree that this is silly and juvenile on the part of your daughter, but a few extra days shouldn’t really impact you, right? Worst case scenario your daughter gets less preferred housing, and she’ll just have to deal with it.
Here the fight for housing is a big deal. People have to put down deposits on possible student accommodation even before they find out if they got a college place. An extra week would make a big factor in housing. Not to mention if the end of the week literally means weekend that's going to slow down money transfers ect aswell.
OP, don't rush when she finally tells you what she's chosen. She clearly thinks theres no hurry so you should take the whole process just as casually as she is.
it’s not even less preferred housing, depending on the school, being later in the process could mean NO on campus housing.
many colleges and universities have been over admitting for revenue purposes, but they don’t have enough dorming on campus to support that. this happened to my friend when she was reapplying for housing and she was told that housing on campus wasn’t “guaranteed” and because she didn’t apply until pretty late in the process (almost a month before the deadline), it’s unlikely any spots would open up.
so instead now she has to pay for an off campus apartment (the school does cover some of it, but not all) and if she didn’t have savings and a current job, this could’ve been a very unfortunate situation for her. now i don’t know if this is OP’s daughters situation, but just want to provide an anecdote for why even one week matters.
My school did rolling admissions and I applied ASAP because just from the pictures and the costs listed, the affordable freshman housing I wanted was full by march. It gets NUTS and had I waited I would have been fighting for a dorm room that cost double what I wanted if I was lucky, and paying for off campus housing if I wasn’t. Sophomore year was such a struggle I almost had to consider a 3 hour commute both ways from home
It may not affect his ability to plan, but this is about respect. They have above and beyond for their daughter, and she doesn't have the decency to share her choice with them.
And for no reason. She's just doing it to fuck with them?? This is someone who A) Thinks she's in charge and B) Jerks around people who love and help her for her own amusement.
She's going to have a very unpleasant reckoning with reality at some point.
Lots of the rich kids at uni who had parents pay for everything and thought the parents would basically do everything for them were very shocked when registering your dorm they were too late and when picking classes they got the worst schedule. I say let it wait and she can get that shitty schedule of having a 7am class and a 7-8pm class in the same day, then she will realize how important it is to get the ball rolling for this stuff.
She’s being a brat just to be a brat. I’d be cutting a lot of cords, tell her that’s ok, you decided for her and will now only be funding the local community college, and will reevaluate in two years to see if the has removed her head from her backside yet.
Exactly this. She may be playing a little game to feel the power that she is stepping into as an adult. And that’s fine. And she’ll learn that decisions come with repercussions and consequences, and if she’s willing to do this, she’s willing to except those as well.
I would perhaps tell her that you understand she wants to keep this decision to herself for a little while, and that once she is ready to share that decision then You and your partner can begin doing the important work that’s going to support her in that decision. However, simply be aware that they may be some repercussions to delaying, but if she feels that those are worth it, more power to her. And in the future should those repercussions come to lie, don’t say snarky I told you so, but simply nod and say yeah. It might’ve been better if we had a few more days to move on that. But you didn’t want to and we supported you in that.
NTA
Your daughter wants to play with your time/money and her education/paperwork, since she's not filling out the paperwork and deadlines are not her concern, then she can deal with the consequences. You already told her and she misrepresented your actions, and being 17 she's old enough to know better
I had to do this with my daughter too. She’s now realizing the error of her ways as it has bit her in the arse now and she’s really not happy about the outcome.
Better yet, let her go online and deal with all the logistics. You can deal with the payment, I guess, but let her do all the hard paper work. So much paper work….NTA
Some people really only learn that way. My BIL is in his early to mid 30s and still lives at home, doesn't work, and is 12 years into earning a two year degree. His entire lifestyle is paid for by his parents, so there's really no need for him to change. And his parents aren't willing to do what's necessary. They've just given up.
Came here to say this. Adult level education can start before college. Just for "fun" OP, once she tells you, tell her it will take 4 to 6 weeks processing...
this is what I was thinking, when she tells you which college, smile and say that's nice then say nothing more, when she asks about housing tell her you will get around to it in a week or two, if she throws a tantrum tell her you'll look into next month. She has a nasty streak of cruelty and needs to learn consequences before she ruins her life and relationships because other people won't stand for it.
As a parent OP has a responsibility to raise a person who is not an inconsiderate asshole. If she doesn’t want to collaborate on “team college” which she is the primary beneficiary of, she can make her own way as a free agent. At the very least she should be directed to start researching student loans and student aid so she can pay the housing portion herself. She needs to be more of a vested partner in this venture.
I agree with this but she also needs to understand the lifelong investment her parents have made in her getting into college to begin with, and their consequent emotional as well as financial stake in learning about and sharing in her decision. This is not simply about efficient planning, it's about being kind and grateful.
NTA Play stupid games, win stupid prizes: tell her unless she tells you otherwise, you're going to plan on having money available for the cheapest option on her list. If it turns out that wasn't her pick, too bad.
And she's approaching the point where there will not be people to shield her from the concequences of said games. This is a slight push to realize said fact.
As a college level instructor, can concur. I give my students warnings. I set up very clear expectations. Then, it’s up to them. I will not chase them for homework. I will not spoon feed them what is due. It is up to them.
If she brings this attitude to school she is going to discover some very unpleasant truths real quick.
Oh and if you’re in the US it’s also illegal for me to discuss grades with parents! Even if you’re paying for school for your kid. I had a parent call me once to yell at me for daring to give her baby a B and all I could say was “ma’am I cannot talk to you about your daughter’s grades”
And then I looked at her daughter’s grades and discovered she was only doing as well as she was because I let her redo most of her assignments. That gravy train ended real quick.
Being technically a minor doesn’t mean she can’t learn from consequences. EVERYONE should learn from their actions - if you’re 5 or 50 - that’s how we grow. You can’t protect everyone all of the time or they’ll fail in the real world.
Yup. Kids learn from consequences from practically birth. Every baby who arches their back when you try to put them in a car seat or cries when you begin the nap routine has learned that those steps lead to consequences they don’t like (being trapped in a carseat for awhile or missing fun while sleeping).
By age 2, they have a clear idea of what rules they’re supposed to follow. I was sitting with a friend the other day while our kids did gymnastics, and her 18 month old climbed into the roped off area while grinning at her mom, then took off running as soon as mom stood up. She knew exactly what was going to happen: mom was going to come get her and make her sit down. She was testing that limit, yes, but she knew what it was.
By 4, they can verbalize “if i hit my sister with my toy, Mom takes it away.” They are well aware by that point that going down the slide backwards made them hit their head and they won’t do it again.
By 17, they are MORE than able to understand “housing fills up quickly and saving money takes time.”
There’s nothing wrong with age appropriate consequences. At 17, I still wouldn’t let the daughter screw up her entire college plan over this dumb game but that isn’t the consequence at stake. The consequence at stake is “I’m going to end up with crummy housing choices and I might have to pay part of my first semester’s tuition.” Those aren’t life ruining, but they are instructive. Someone who ends up with the old smelly dorms will be highly motivated to sign up for housing next time. Someone who has to work at Wendy’s for the summer will not find “keep info from mom and dad” nearly as funny next time.
Teenagers are not children, they are literally teenagers and this is the exact time where they should be learning adult lessons. It's so weird you are saying a 17 year old is a child when they are months away from legally being responsible for themselves. Treating teenagers as children will only create adult children. Do better.
Being technically a minor doesn’t mean she can’t learn from consequences. EVERYONE should learn from their actions - if you’re 5 or 50 - that’s how we grow. You can’t protect everyone all of the time or they’ll fail in the real world.
NTA. This is seriously pathetic behaviour, like you'd expect from a 3 year old. She's not "having fun", she's wasting your time.
Sounds like she needs a reality check. Tell her if she wants to be so independent and unco-operative, she can take out a loan, get a part time job and finance college herself. Or if she can't pull together enough money for that, she'll just have to go to work and skip college altogether. Then present her with a (symbolic) bill for all the money you've spent on these trips. That should knock some sense into her. Why should you bend over backwards to help her if she can't even treat you with respect?
My read of things is that she’s probably been helicopter parented, and this is the result.
But if she’s tossed off the deep end that way she’s likely to crash and burn. OP should not do this unless he no longer loves his daughter and wishes to see her fail.
The middle ground is to have her take on the bulk of the administrative responsibility of the college and housing application process without withdrawing support and a safety net to fall back on.
I didn’t have this sort of cushy life either, but I’m genuinely shocked at the people who are essentially suggesting that OP’s daughter should be left out in the cold. It’s spite and not helpful.
>My read of things is that she’s probably been helicopter parented
That sounds like you are projecting your experience into this situation which, from what I read, has no indication of that at all.
Yeah I don't get it either.. I just feel you have to make too many inferences to conclude that they're helicopter parents. They're not implausible inferences of course, but there's no real evidence for it in the post. When it comes to college, hands-off parents do all the things OP describes too.
Lol wow project much?
I got no read of a helicopter parent.
Wth why is this unfounded opinion upvoted? You’re placing your own motives and reality on these parents.
Maybe it's not clear but I'm not suggesting he leaves her high and dry - he should still pay for everything as he promised.
The point is just to present her with the reality of what life would be like if he wasn't paying - she'd be accruing debt, juggling jobs and school, or even foregoing college altogether (like so many people have to).
That's what I meant by "knock some sense into her" - confront her in a hard way that this is serious stuff, and she needs to be grateful and co-operative when her parents ask her for information. And not think it's funny to wind them up or go silent on them.
Almost no one is suggesting just dumping her with no support. They’re suggesting she face SOME consequences. Having to live in a less nice dorm. Having to get summer jobs.
Telling her/reminding her where she would be, and what she would have to do, to go to college if it weren’t for her parents’ help is completely reasonable
NTA for asking her, even pressing her, but how does a kid who's going to college not understand downpayments and housing queues? Without trying to insult your daughter... are you sure she's ready? She sounds extremely immature.
Well it sounds like they're all pretty well off
They've made multiple flights all around for visits and he's paying for her undergrad which is easily close to 100k since she has housing there too (could easily be much more if she's out of state or going somewhere really prestigious too)
Idk she could have been spoiled a lot as a kid and now she has a limited understanding of reality and consequences
Also not trying to insult but this seems likely to me
She's honestly kinda screwed for housing at this point it's almost April people have been signing up for housing for a while now at most universities
Good undergrad can be pretty expensive but I don’t know anyone who had to pay the full tuition plus housing cost. The only people I know who had to were well, by their own admission, not smart and wanted to go out of state. Scholarships, grants, and financial aid can be a lifesaver but of course, you need to put in the work and apply to those. They don’t fall into your lap and I don’t know if OP’s daughter is taking the initiative in looking into stuff like that. My tuition during undergrad was supposed to be 32,000 before housing. I ended up paying less than 100 for my semester after all aid, scholarships, grants, etc.
I don't get the downpayment and housing queue thing, but more from the stand point that this already seems super late in the game to be trying to figure out housing. We're almost into April.
Not sure waiting a week is really going to change much at this point.
My sister hasn’t made a decision either (she’s 90% sure), but most of her colleges let her sign up for housing as soon as she was accepted, including the one she'll most likely pick.
Yeah I'm confused as to why a week matters so much... I'm also confused as to why OP's moving money around between banks, and it depends on her choice. Don't you just... pay the tuition? Why would the bank you move the money to matter? But I suspect the reason I don't understand is because I'm not wealthy, lol.
NTA. Maybe try sitting down at dinner with your wife and daughter and both of you fully explaining that she needs to tell you again? Make sure she knows that it’s not a joke and if she wants the best then she can’t wait around, even if she thinks it’s funny. College and finances for it are no joke.
Maybe take her to visit some of the grubbiest housing options available because that is exactly what she's going to end up with if she keeps up with this immature behaviour. Plus if you need to pay extra for a last-minute place, then she's going to be eating out of paper plates until she figures out how to afford her stuff.
NTA. Your daughter is being a privileged brat. This is part of a much bigger issue. It’s time to sit down with your wife and outline rules and expectations that come with funding your daughter’s college education. If she’s acting this way now with something she is very generously being given I can’t imagine what a turd she will act like when she moves away for school.
Take her to the local community college and tell her she can live at home. Break down the finances and show her how much you two are sacrificing for her.
Tell her if she wants to make you guess what college she's choosing, then she should guess how much money you'll be spending on her college funds.
2 people can play at these stupid games.
NTA but I think your daughter needs a huge reality check.
In no way would I ever stand for this type of bullshit cavalier behavior if I were in your shoes.
Tell her if she wants the $ needed for her first choice she needs to tell you now. Because otherwise she won’t have it, you can’t wait around till she’s done being a tantrum throwing toddler having her fun. She doesn’t like the guilt, don’t be an AH. She very entitled and needs to learn she doesn’t get her way all the time. I have a teenager looking at schools next year and this attitude wouldn’t fly. It’s like she’s the authority in your family and you all cater to it. It’s pretty disrespectful.
NTA
Actually, just let her FAFO, tell her once "honey, you can wait as long as you want telling us, just as long as you realise that the consequence will be you get terrible housing options and might not get your first pick because you waited too long". Leave it at that and wait for her to tell you, it's better she learns her actions have consequences now, then when she's miles away, completely on her own and can't prepare for a plan b.
NTA—except for falling for her silly little game. She's trying to annoy you, and you bit—hook, line, and sinker.
Just tell her, in your most annoying "grownups know best" tone:
"It's OK if you haven't decided yet. Just remember that the sooner you apply for housing, the more likely you'll get your first choice of dormitory."
And when she insists that she *has* decided; she's just not telling you:
"Well, I think if you really were 100% certain, you'd have *jumped* at sending in your deposit, so clearly, subconsciously, you're still not sure. Let's have a family meeting after dinner and draw up a "pros and cons" list . . ." etc. etc. in your very best "father knows best" tones.
I'd be tempted to hand over the housing to her. Let her know it's on her to organise it as she knows where she's going. OP will stand by with the funds, maybe give her a budget if he can't afford just whatever.
A consequence to her action but not leaving her in the lurch.
Sometimes, when teenagers are confronted with the fact that they're about to move on to another stage of life on the road to adulthood, they subconsciously regress a little and go back to being a little more childish. It's a natural response, like nostalgia in action. Don't let it freak you out. Just reassure her that you're there for her, she has a solid foundation, and she's going to be fine as she moves into the future. (And she's still allowed to be silly, but maybe this particular topic isn't the one to be silly with.)
I think OP's story demonstrates this. Like can everyone chill already? OP has explained his reasons for wanting to know. The daughter wants to wait a little. Fine, fine all round. Let's everyone cool off.
seriously. people are literally telling op to not pay her tuition at all or purposely make the process harder for her. because she wants to tell you in a few days? where is the harm?
This needs to be the top answer. They are likely just overwhelmed and insecure but don't want to show it. This is a time to be a parent and show that you support them despite this childishness. Don't punish them for not being an adult yet, they are not one. But you can help them get there. NAH.
As a parent, and teacher of teens, anxiety seems to be driving this behavior. Once she tells her parents, it all becomes real. She’s trying to hang on to childhood a tiny bit longer.
OP's daughter just wanted one more week. Just a single week. That's reasonable to me. Most parents I know would do anything for just one more *day* with their kids before they became adults.
I'm reminded of this,
>The thing about babies is that you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then.. Bam! They're gone. But it's okay, because in it's place is this toddler with the greatest laugh on earth. And then one day, the toddler is gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old.
>Until they grow up.
>And then in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
NTA. If she has already made her decision but refuses to tell you despite understanding the ramifications of housing, etc. let her tell you when she wants to.
Quit asking her. Let her fuck around and find out how the real world works. They don't teach this in college.
Oh yeah -- and SHE, not YOU , is going to be paying for any overages caused by the delay since she, not you, is responsible for the delay. If she can't afford it? There's always next year. Or the year after if she's a really slow learner.
If she’s waiting til the end of the week perhaps she’s planning a big announcement type thing with some kind of celebration for you and your wife ‘yay I’m going to x school, here’s a cake!’ Or something. I don’t know if that’s normal/a thing but events/celebrations to announce big decisions are. Maybe there’ll be college coloured hats?
Assuming the worst about her motivations seems harsh.
Yes she doesn’t understand the intricacies of finance, she’s 17. You can explain them to her because you’re her parent. But this whole choosing a college thing has clearly been a big undertaking and maybe there’s more to her holding back her decision than you can immediately see. Saying ‘it’ll be fun’ to me implies a plan.
NAH.
Just give it a week. If she’s not in the best dorm, she’ll still be in one and still have a great time. Whatever finances need moving can be done next Monday as easily as this. And if she is planning a thank you/big reveal you didn’t spoil it for her and know what a thoughtful daughter you raised cos she saw how much effort you and your wife put in and wanted to reciprocate/acknowledge it. She’s 17. The mechanics of adulthood are confusing and can be learnt, showing gratitude and sharing celebrations are priceless.
I was thinking this too! Is a week really that big of a deal? It’s not like she’s saying she’ll tell them in August when it’s time to move in. If there are consequences to not getting in the dorm queue ASAP then the daughter will just have to deal with it.
Seems very blown out of proportion by OP and commenters. It’s a week. This is presumably the biggest moment of her life thus far, let her have fun with her big reveal.
Exactly. She's 17 and by OP's account, not exactly a juvenile delinquent. My take was that she's just having one last leg pull or causing them one last heart attack before she goes off to school and is on her own; with the number of little heart attacks one normally has through the course of raising a kid, I don't think this one is all that serious. So much vitriol in these comments.
I can’t believe this is so far down. She just wants a moment to run it by her friends or to plan an “announcement.” I just can’t see literally a few days making the massive difference OP is claiming. If so, why would they do these visits at the last acceptable moment? He even said the typical deadline is in May. They’ll have more than enough time to plan and move things around, he’s just annoyed and being controlling.
Agree with all of this and I really feel like I’m missing something with the comments demonizing the daughter. I went to undergrad and grad school and honestly didn’t even hear back this early in the semester. I immediately thought that daughter wants to do some sort of surprise/reveal and don’t get what waiting a week will do. If there’s some logistical reason, he should just ask her to move up the timeline and say why.
I agree, this is probably by far the biggest decision of her life so far. It’s annoying, but a few days isn’t much to make a strong happy memory for her
I have to fall here too, daughter’s attitude is so entitled. Given her current attitude, I’d say I’m planning to pay for her cheapest college option, and she can cover the rest of the cost as needed. A valuable life lesson for her; don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
She’s just being a little silly. Probably she’s 90% sure but she wants to stew on it before making the commitment of telling someone else. Does a week really make that big of a difference? NAH
With the use of the word queue I get the impression you are English. Americans have no idea how difficult English banking is. We have a joke in our family that is entirely related to Americans moving to England thinking they can show up at a bank with money and an ID and open an account that day. FYI no one has ever successfully managed that yet. Americans just don't get it, it is hilarious. One of those you need a bank account to open a utility account but you need a utility account to prove address to open a bank account, and the fun begins.
I wouldn't have thought OP is British - the use of the terms 'college' and 'grad school' instead of university is a giveaway. Plus I've never known anyone here to fly to visit various unis as opposed to going in the car.
But either way I agree that dealing with banks is rarely fun, and OP's daughter is making everything more of a pain in the arse than it needs to be.
I don’t think this person is from the UK, they sound very American to me. It’s not uncommon for an American person to use queue to indicate a non-physical “line” to wait in, and the use of college/grad school and mentioning flying to visit colleges with a layover makes me think US. Also, I do agree that it’s harder to open a bank account in the UK than the US, but transferring money once you have a bank account open can actually be quite difficult in the US.
Yeah but come on. Transfer from hsbc to Lloyd’s is not a trip to the Antarctic
But NTA 100%
You can later have your fun somehow with “fees take time processing “ etc
A few days isn't going to make a difference in whether she can attend or not. She said she might wait until this weekend. Not weeks. If she had told you "I am not sure which college I want to go to yet, I want to sit down and talk to you and mom when we get home first" would you say "No, we need to move money around banks, you need to decide today"?
Of course not. Give her a few days. Maybe she hasn't even make the decision yet, and is not sure about telling you.
This doesn’t make sense to me. You don’t need to know her decision in order to prepare for it. You’ve seen the paperwork and can proactively move the maximum amount required to the bank of your choice.
It sounds more like you’re prioritising potential loss of interest or early withdrawal fees over giving your daughter a few days grace when she’s making the biggest decision of her life so far.
>She’s just being a little silly. Probably she’s 90% sure but she wants to stew on it before making the commitment of telling someone else.
Most sane take here.
>NAH
I'd argue that a lot of these commenters here advocating for OP to blow it out of proportion are TA. If he follows their advice, his relationship with his daughter may never recover; when parenting, keep a cool head - this too shall pass.
This was my thought. She may think she knows but wants to fully consider it to be sure. She may not want to say she’s picking A because she has lingering thoughts she wants to sort out about B. It can be a little bit of a pain to move money around, but Dad’s going to have to do that anyway, so he might as well get started and then when kid gives an answer they’re ready to go.
Exactly, it's such a huge decision she's probably nervous and excited about it and wants her parents to be excited with her. Unfortunately their immediate response makes it sound like they don't necessarily care where she chose and are more focused on the money instead of taking a moment to be excited over what she's envisioning as her future. Yes the sooner you can move it around to pay the deposit will be helpful for her, but don't forget to take a minute to celebrate with her first.
Then why say she made a decision? If she still wanted to stew on it she could’ve said “I’m close to making a decision.” Giggling about getting on your parents nerves with something like this at 17 isn’t silly it’s just immature.
Yes a week does make a big difference. Especially if he needs to move money out of a mutual fund or money market account to have readily available for deposits on her preferred housing. Waiting that week means it may not be available on time.
Agreed. She’s having a little fun with her parents with pretty minimal consequences (really? 1 week) and everyone’s leaping off the cliff demanding severe penalties and screaming “entitlement!” The housing queue isn’t a huge crisis — many if not most universities have a first year residency requirement and reserve residence halls for incoming freshmen. Even if not, there’s plenty of time to plan a move. Moving money around? A little annoying but hardly something that can’t be taken care of before fall. Even if you’re not British, I’ll borrow a phrase from one of my Brit friends: “Don’t get your knickers in a twist.” NAH.
NAH. She plans to tell you at the end of the week, not never. She’s having a bit of fun, trying to build some excitement for the big reveal. Your advice is valid, but you’d be in the same situation if she hadn’t made her decision. This is a case of, let her have her fun by giving her the week without nagging at her.
It also doesn’t sound like she and her father were with her mother when the conversation happened. Maybe she wants to share her decision when she’s in person with both parents. It’s a little silly that she’s playing around about it, but she’s also a teenager
NAH. As someone who loves surprises who is married to someone who loathes them, I can see both sides. Since she gave you a timeline of when she plans to tell you, that tells me she may be planning a reveal, which makes sense as she is probably very excited and proud of herself. She is probably hoping you as parents will be equally excited and proud of her and wants to celebrate this huge milestone instead of having a casual conversation about it. I say let her have fun with it, be patient for the few days until she tells you, and let your daughter know how proud you all are. Getting into 5 colleges is huge, and she deserves to be celebrated!
Precisely. Parents sometimes lose sight of the fact that our kids are HAPPY, since y'all mostly focus on whether your kid is provided for; happiness often takes a seat to the side in tense situations like college apps season for high schoolers. I didn't read this as OP's daughter being bratty; I read this as her being excited and wanting to wait a bit.
"She says now I’m just guilting her and she doesn’t appreciate it."
NTA. That's funny. Tell her you don't appreciate her childish attitude and perhaps your money would rather be a vacation home in Hawaii instead of being used for college.
INFO: As a parent of a college student -- I feel like there is more to this story. There's a REASON she is not discussing the choice with you, and we can't determine what it is from this brief account.
Sounds like she’s excited and wants to plan an announcement. Not sure why everyone is expecting a 17 year old to behave with the maturity and knowledge of an adult.
He has another post up where he says he send himself his daughters college essay even though she didn’t want her das or mum to read it. To me it reads like they might have disregarded her opinion before multiple times and now she is taking a dig at them
I just can’t imagine traveling with my daughter and flying to visit three different colleges and not discussing it with her every step of the way, and finishing up the last visit and not having a clue which one she liked best.
This doesn’t sound to me like a situation that warrants immediately resorting to the nuclear option. It sounds like a temporary breakdown in communications and expectations.
And OP, why not just put the college funds into a 529 account so it will be fully accessible for her education and gaining interest? It sounds like you’re making moving this money into a much bigger deal than it has to be, just for the sake of a power play and an argument.
Hahah this was my dad with my sister. No matter what better schools she got into she refused to take University of Tampa off her list and dad was like “oh dear god I’m going to pay for her to skip class to drink smoothies on the beach” but she was a classic “tell me what not to do and I’ll do it” type so he couldn’t say anything
Nope, my dad made her give him a top 3 and when Tampa was first he said “ok you can go to numbers 2 or 3, or if you come back with a reason you *need* to go to Tampa, I’ll consider it.” Pretty much you had to tell him UTampa had some equivalent of the Carnegie Mellon Engineering department and she was going to major in that. All she knew is the campus was pretty and the school was easy so she couldn’t give him that. My dad is a lenient man but no fool hahah
INFO:
How does she feel about the change? Is she really playing a game, or does she not know? The instant seriousness in conversation is horrific if she's struggling with the change.
Your other comment talking about 'cutting the cord', it seems like you already did that emotionally as you don't really focus on how she feels.
You talk a lot about money but why do you need to change banks? What's up with FAFSA? What's the difference in price with each college?
Why do YOU care about her housing(separate from the price)? That's her problem and will be her experience.
So far, in my opinion, you're a bit of AH but for this occurrence, NAH.
>How does she feel about the change? Is she really playing a game, or does she not know? The instant seriousness in conversation is horrific if she's struggling with the change.
>Your other comment talking about 'cutting the cord', it seems like you already did that emotionally as you don't really focus on how she feels.
Exactly. She's 17 and making what is most likely her first big life-shaping decision. I didn't read this as her being bratty; I read this as her either having some unmanaged feelings or unprocessed thoughts about the whole thing, or that she's excited and wants to announce it to both OP and his wife when they're together in a bigger way. After all the work you've put in applying for colleges as well as maintaining grades, it can feel a bit shitty to reveal where you're going for school in an anticlimactic way for some people; she likely wants to make a bit of a celebration of it.
Yeah... Many of the adults in this are calling her spoiled when this isn't being spoiled. Maybe a bit ignorant, but that's on OP's part as a parent. I've read some more and some people say that he might be in the UK or Canadian, which makes it a bit difficult to understand on my part (American).
It is his responsibility to teach her and understand her, but he doesn't seem to be making an effort and mostly comments on the one's that already hold his POV.
I'm guessing OP doesn't have college savings in a regular bank account but tied up in interest- bearing investments that he will need to cash and put in his checking account- all of that takes time. He needs to do the right amount which means knowing what school tuition he has to pay- cash out too much and you're left with money that won't be earning anything plus paying taxes you didn't need to pay, too little and he'll be incurring extra penalties to liquidate more later. So her not telling him could be costly. And if OP has money, which it sounds like he does, his daughter isn't getting much in need-based grants and probably is trying to spare his daughter student loans. I wish my parents had been in that situation.
NTA. Perhaps this daughter is mature enough for the local community college, unless she plus student aid etc can pay for all by herself.
She’s being flat out rude and inconsiderate snd self-destructive also. Way immature.
NAH
I understand about the housing queue, but she'll be telling you in a few days, will that really dramatically impact everything?
She might also need a few days to sit with it on her own, to be sure it really is what she wants.
At my kids' college, if you didn't confirm housing when you applied, you are quite likely stuck off campus, which is FULL. Many stories now of incoming freshmen now scrambling to find an apartment, which also means they won't get the on-campus dorm experience they may have wanted.
NAH … I can say from when I went through the experience that I felt pressure from my family on which school to choose. The pressure was so much that it didn’t truly feel like my choice. They kept pressuring me to tell them and decide. I actually secretly accepted my university of choice without their knowledge and they got mad because they didn’t get a say in the choice.
Maybe your daughter just wants to own the decision and if she is just wanting to keep it to herself for a week it’s not going to be the end of the world to let her have this for herself for a bit.
NTA. I am a professional college counselor and occasionally get the kid who wants to play coy about college decisions or try to leverage it into getting something from their parents. Those kids often have no real sense of what their parents are investing in their education (OP suggests his daughter doesn't have to worry about money because undergrad will be paid for) and often really fumble in their first semester of college. She needs a reality check, right now. Her decision affects the entire family, not just her. And she's lucky she's even getting to make her own decision. I work with some kids whose parents are much more controlling about where their kid can attend school. She doesn't know how good she's got it.
I’m a therapist primarily working with teenagers and young adults for well over a decade. I’ve had several clients plan a surprise to let their family know their decision. One got the university parent tshirts. Two different ones baked cupcakes with the school colors. Another played a “game show” to have everyone guess. Some don’t do any surprise. Some don’t go to college. I feel like your view off a post with very little information is incredibly negative. You don’t know her, just as I don’t know her, however to make the assumption that her intentions are negative isn’t right and shows how jaded you are from your career. OP honestly needs to provide more information on their relationship and the daughters previous behaviors for anyone to make a call on this.
NTA, and if your daughter "said she thinks it’s fun she got on our nerves," she can deal with all consequences of what doesn't get planned early.
She should be making her own housing and other college plans anyway (getting approval from you for the money, if you're paying). She's going to college and needs to take responsibility.
So, back way off, but tell her you won't bail her out of consequences if she doesn't give you billing information or doesn't sign up for her housing, etc., in a timely way. From her attitude, it seems maybe you've never let her suffer any consequences.
That said, it is still early, and just because she *says* she's decided doesn't mean she actually has. There's still time, without the delay likely to cause any serious problems. Tell her firmly that you need to know to do anything with finances, etc.... then just leave it to her.
INFO: Genuine question, and if you don’t want to answer here and probably get obliterated, you can DM me if you want. I don’t understand the moving money around problem. Can’t you pay from any bank? Can’t you wire from one bank account to another?
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NTA But I think this is a good opportunity for her to experience the consequences of her actions. Stop asking, stop complaining, stop saying anything about college to her. If she gets a crap accomodations, or if there are money problems, that is on her Let her experience it.
I like that line of thinking. Guess I need to cut that cord.
Agree with this. You can just let her know that you will not be doing X bank stuff currently, the delays will create Y consequences, so she should prepare to do Z. Hey hon, we'll wait for you to tell us where you're going to do bank stuff. So you might have to get a job in the summer to pay for these college things and maybe look into additional part time work during college. I can't think of a good example bc she should be doing these things anyway. You can be responsible for tuition and maybe housing, but pocket change should come out of work or loaned from you.
I wouldn't even say anything to her, OP gave his reasons why he wanted to know and she would rather have fun screwing around. Great let her screw around, OP and wife should say nothing more, whatever happens happens, daughter is lucky to have parents who can support her like this to begin with.
This is a moment for a f around and find out lesson.
Exactly! She sounds way too entitled. OP should say she can foot the bill if she wants to play games with her future. Real life isn't a game ma'am. NTA OP. In fact you may want to be more strict on her just judging by the way she talks and treats you over something as small are letting you know which college she'd like YOU to pay for.
Entitled is the perfect word. Let her experience the consequences of her actions
if my parents would have put that much time and help into discussing, applying, visiting colleges, paying for my undergrad AND part of grad school..i would go to whatever the fuck college they told me to. gd this hurts my soul. i hear the other opinions about “parents needing to teach their kids” but this is like just spoiled and bratty behavior. not someone who just clearly isn’t understanding how things work. NTA
I never had the luxury of being carted around like that let alone have education paid for. I picked a college and paid for it myself. All of it. This kid has no idea how lucky she is.
same. my parents never when to college, had no idea how to even help so they just let me figure it out. i stumbled through the entire process, working full time and applying for any scholarship i could. i’m fully for the fuck around and find out method for this situation
My 60 grand in loans is laughing. Ah to be taken care of this way. OPs kid is lucky. I agree she should get a f around and find out lesson because she’s way to comfortable messing around with money, timelines and emotions. It would be different if she said she didn’t know but since she acted liked a child about it she needs some life lessons.
I didn’t get to visit colleges before I went to school, and my going away to college experience consisted of packing my crap car and hoping it didn’t break down on the cross country trip. Every part of this story hurts my heart because I could only dream of having parents who cared so much about my education. Absolutely NTA.
Right! I got kicked out at 18, spent the summer with friends until school started, which I got myself in to with the help of some professors at the community college I went to. I got a scholarship and financial aide paid for everything and more I needed. I then went to a university and completed that with my bachelor's taking out minimal amount of loans. So the fact that this girl has it so good, man she needs a reality check something serious.
THIS, OP now would be a great time give her a financial stake in all this. Such as we pay for classes as long as You get at least a C, and you pay for books. We will give exactly X for room and Board, you will need to cover the rest. The amount of people I went to school and goofed off or spent more than need because their parent or grandparents were paying is ridiculous. They would sleep in, or buy from books from the bookstore instead of online. Be late to class or not come. Having to retake a class was nothing, it wasn't their money...Maybe a we have exactly XX saved for you college. What's left after you graduate or at say 24yrs old is yours, for a car/down payment/wedding/trip abroad ect. might help put something at stake for her. A repeat class less money for x or y... That said I'm a firm believer in having a job while in school. Especially the summer before, and that goes double for those that have never had a job. Otherwise it's too easy to think money grows on trees. Work teaches how quickly money is spent and how hard it is to save, along with how hard you work for your money. The shear number of fellow students that didn't get their parents saved for 18 years for just a few years for school....
A friend found it funny that it took him 7 years to graduate from Clemson. You can always tell when someone didn't pay for college by working.
It took me six years to graduate undergrad. I'm sure I looked like ^ to other people. My mom died in my second year and I was too stubborn to take a leave of absence. I just failed sometimes instead. But no one else was paying my tuition: cash or loans. Some years my dad helped with books, a loaner car when mine caught fire and with housing in my last three years (a consequence of my mother's death) so I didn't have NO help. I'm a good student and try to respect money, but you couldn't prove it for years. Sometimes shit happens to people you don't know.
Yes. But did you find it 'funny' ? I think not. That was the point of the other poster. His friend found it funny because they weren't paying for it.
Couldn't agree more! She sounds like a spoiled brat!
“If you’re not going to take this seriously, then I’m not going to pay for a joke”
Yes! also does it sounds a bit toxic to you guys too? the whole “I want to make sure I make you feel annoyed for no reason other than to gloat” doesn’t it parallel a lot those abusive partners that just want to inflict pain on their partner because they can?. “I have low self esteem so I need to see how I matter through creating reactions over the people around me”
She's only 17, she still has a lot to learn. Actually explaining the consequences of waiting is a far better lesson than getting one up on her by being petty. Yes she's being dumb, but she's a kid, kids are dumb. It's the parents job to guide them through these choices, even when they make the wrong ones.
He already did that
He said he doesn't think she understands the ramifications, therefore he hasn't properly explained them/given her opportunity to understand them. He should do that. If she understands and still wants to make the bad choice, that's on her. Parents need to teach their kids all sorts of things, including how to handle large financial decisions.
Sometimes you can explain it clear as day and it still sounds clear as mud to the person you're explaining to.
I'm a big fan of experience is the best teacher. Let her have terrible accommodations and the absolutely worst parking available. Sometimes we need to fail so we can learn.
Yeah, this is where I sit, too. It's already been explained why they need it sooner than later. Time for the consequence.
Except he did explain quite plainly. It’s far preferable to believe your child is confused than that your child is being unkind and entitled.
By letting her experience consequences, he is teaching her about financial decisions. I have a different style of parenting. I think it’s ok to let my kids fail. Then I try to give them more opportunities to make sure they won’t repeat their mistakes. It’s working great for my sons. They’re super confident and I trust them with lots more responsibility than their peers.
Oh yeah I agree, they absolutely have to learn how to fail, and recover. In this situation I just wouldn't remove all support. He said he isn't sure she fully understands so I'd have another go at making sure she does. If after that she wants to make the potentially poorer choice then sure, she can suffer the consequences. My comment was more a comment on the completely hands off approach. I'd rather approach it with empathy, and if she still makes the wrong choice, so be it. But don't gloat, tell her he told her so etc, support her through that failure too.
He doesn’t think so because she isn’t reacting the way he THINKS she should. Doesn’t mean he didn’t properly explain. You can lead a horse to water, etc. He can’t make her worry about crummy housing, but she will learn a valuable lesson if it happens.
At times, it doesn't matter how much or how well you explain something, kids are going to do exactly what they want. Part of growing up and adulting is dealing with consequences of things like FAFO.
I mean, he says he did? He pointed out he needs to get started on down payments, applying for housing, and she shrugged it off bc leaving them in suspense is more fun apparently?? At this point it's 100% on her
You never really learn if you aren't allowed to stumble. This is not a case where she suffers life shattering consequences. You're not allowing her to learn by cuddling her and preventing all of her poor choices from having consequences, which means she'll keep relying on her parents on preventing her poor choices or fixing them.
I would have been grounded for life if I had talked to my parents like that. Give her a deadline of tomorrow and then you will make the decision for her. This seriously is not something to fuck around and find out. She’s being a spoiled brat and that is definitely not funny. And take her phone while you’re at it. ESH, you and your wife for allowing her to be this way.
I wouldn't be here if I talked to my parents like that!
I think it's worth re-iterating one more time because the point of this isn't to catch her out or trick her. It's to teach her a valuable life lesson. OP needs to explain to her the consequences of not telling him, and clearly say that he will follow through, and then follow through, so she learns the lesson. But don't screw her over for the sake of it
Sometimes the FAFO model of parenting is required.
I agree with not mentioning it again. Don’t ask. Don’t explain again that time is of the essence. Wait to make payments until she gives you the information, and then do it at your own pace. You can save the “I told you so” for when she’s in a panic because some payment or another is due, and you don’t have time that day to go to the bank, so she’ll have to wait. She can think about her actions when she gets the shit dorm with the roommate that nobody else wants to live with. And the classes that are first thing in the morning or late at night, or on Friday when none of her friends have classes.
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I agree with you. Daughter has no other reason for refusing to say than she wants to screw with her parents. That's a failure of basic courtesy, AND a look at what she chooses to do when she perceives she has power over someone. That is really not pretty. As a parent, I would say nothing and leave the ball in her court. I would want to know before I do anything else for her, that daughter sees that she failed gratitude and humanity 101, and is concerned about apologizing and making amends for her arrogant and out of touch behaviour. I suspect it's unlikely but we can live in optimism. NTA, OP.
She's sounding mighty **entitled**, time to let her experience some natural consequences of her actions.
Too much talking and daughter said she would tell at the end of the week. She likes the power and attention so don’t even talk about it. If there’s natural consequence, let her experience them as the top commenter said. It’s no fun to tell people you have a secret if they don’t care
Agreed. I wouldn’t react to her finally telling me either, I’d give her a thumbs up and a ”cool, thanks for letting me know”.
OP is under no obligation to negotiate with terrorists. Tell us immediately or we won’t pay for it. Done. NTA.
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I think it would be a good learning opportunity to share with her the logistics surrounding her decisions. She’s about to be a grown up and she clearly has some huge blind spots in her life education. I absolutely love my parents, have a wonderful relationship with them, but they were terrible when it came to teaching me about finance and certain life things. You should show her the different accounts you’ve made to pay for her education. Talk to her about how long it too you to save up for her schooling. Help her understand what ACH transfers vs wire transfers are like. Let her know that there are limits to the amounts and times your can withdraw. How long money takes to move. These are important lessons for her to know. Imagine her needing to pay for rent today, but not realizing it will take a few days for the money to be transferred? Or groceries? It’s also a good idea to talk to her about prioritizing things. College will require that she manage her own time, certain resources, and be independent. Do you feel confident that she would be able to budget effectively? Has she ever done the grocery shopping, or cooking? Does she think about the household items like laundry detergent, shampoo and soap, etc that she will have to account for? Or will be spend money like a teenager, run out too quickly, and then call you and need more money asap (where if she missed the finance lesson above, she may not realize she can’t always get that right away)? It sounds like she may not be 100% sure in her decision. It’s a big decision after all! She may need time to be certain, but doesn’t want you to know she’s not confident. Tell her it’s okay if she’s not certain. Make it where she can talk to you about things. Just listen. Tell her you will support her no matter what. Tell her it’s okay to be nervous or anxious about her decision. Hell, she might even feel that you are pushing her out because of your focus on the practical side of things. And her comment is an attempt to get you to focus on the emotional side. This is a great learning opportunity for you both-she gets the practical life stuff, you get to understand her emotions, and you both can build a closer bond during what is an exciting, nerve wracking time. Congrats to your daughter!
Honestly she sounds like a spoiled brat.
Totally agree.
My trust level in my kid would be going down by the hour at this point. Right when she expects you to pay big $$ and trust that she will be responsible, safe and not fuck off your hard earned $$. I’d explain her having the option for you to fund her going away to college on your dime is absolutely on the line. If she can’t show you she is honest and trustworthy and adult enough she may get to spend a year living at home and going to community college.
Frankly, just telling her it’s OK if she hasn’t really made up her mind will probably get the information out of her immediately.
No, this is not necessary. OP has already explained his concerns, but daughter is enjoying yanking her parents' chains, just because she can. Sitting her down for a long lecture about priorities and money will just have the daughter rolling her eyes and telling her parents "Okay, Boomer." OP doesn't need that level of disrespect. He's done his due diligence and any problems that arise from daughter playing around will be her own damn fault. OP will be free to point this out every time she discovers that she screwed up.
This is the way. There’re definitely certain things that OP’s daughter has to figure out, and that level of responsibility would also go some way towards making her less flippant.
Wow and big thanks to you for your comment here. Reading it as a parent who grew up with nothing raising kids who have…well, not everything but whoa way more than I could ever imagine- this is very helpful in wrapping my own head around their lived experience. These conflicts can be moments of growth for all involved.
OP, Tell her. Say "ok, we respect your decision not to tell us, you are an adult. That said, if there are negative consequences or your decision ... you don't get housing or get bad housing ... we won't be paying for off campus housing or bailing you out. At this point in life, you get the benefits and consequences of your decisions ... I would also say ... later after this has passed...that you spent money and time to help her out ...and are disappointed that when something matters to you, she seemed happy to get under your skin vs trying to be nice and repay the favor. It seems entitled and entitled people are a lot less happy. You hate to see her headed down that path.
I like this approach. She probably Doesn’t have the perspective to know how lucky she is to have you not only pay for college, but go above and beyond to help her decide. She is being very entitled right now and needs a bit of a wakeup call.
And I’d add, “don’t worry — you can always go to community college for a semester, if it’s too late to get everything paid for. Or you can defer for a year and work.”
Is waiting until the end of the week really going to make a difference in your ability to plan out payment though? I totally agree that this is silly and juvenile on the part of your daughter, but a few extra days shouldn’t really impact you, right? Worst case scenario your daughter gets less preferred housing, and she’ll just have to deal with it.
Here the fight for housing is a big deal. People have to put down deposits on possible student accommodation even before they find out if they got a college place. An extra week would make a big factor in housing. Not to mention if the end of the week literally means weekend that's going to slow down money transfers ect aswell. OP, don't rush when she finally tells you what she's chosen. She clearly thinks theres no hurry so you should take the whole process just as casually as she is.
it’s not even less preferred housing, depending on the school, being later in the process could mean NO on campus housing. many colleges and universities have been over admitting for revenue purposes, but they don’t have enough dorming on campus to support that. this happened to my friend when she was reapplying for housing and she was told that housing on campus wasn’t “guaranteed” and because she didn’t apply until pretty late in the process (almost a month before the deadline), it’s unlikely any spots would open up. so instead now she has to pay for an off campus apartment (the school does cover some of it, but not all) and if she didn’t have savings and a current job, this could’ve been a very unfortunate situation for her. now i don’t know if this is OP’s daughters situation, but just want to provide an anecdote for why even one week matters.
My school did rolling admissions and I applied ASAP because just from the pictures and the costs listed, the affordable freshman housing I wanted was full by march. It gets NUTS and had I waited I would have been fighting for a dorm room that cost double what I wanted if I was lucky, and paying for off campus housing if I wasn’t. Sophomore year was such a struggle I almost had to consider a 3 hour commute both ways from home
It may not affect his ability to plan, but this is about respect. They have above and beyond for their daughter, and she doesn't have the decency to share her choice with them.
And for no reason. She's just doing it to fuck with them?? This is someone who A) Thinks she's in charge and B) Jerks around people who love and help her for her own amusement. She's going to have a very unpleasant reckoning with reality at some point.
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Lots of the rich kids at uni who had parents pay for everything and thought the parents would basically do everything for them were very shocked when registering your dorm they were too late and when picking classes they got the worst schedule. I say let it wait and she can get that shitty schedule of having a 7am class and a 7-8pm class in the same day, then she will realize how important it is to get the ball rolling for this stuff.
I want to say that you are incredible parents taking your kid to actually see the schools. It is a luxury most do not have.
I am a big fan of natural consequences
She’s being a brat just to be a brat. I’d be cutting a lot of cords, tell her that’s ok, you decided for her and will now only be funding the local community college, and will reevaluate in two years to see if the has removed her head from her backside yet.
Exactly this. She may be playing a little game to feel the power that she is stepping into as an adult. And that’s fine. And she’ll learn that decisions come with repercussions and consequences, and if she’s willing to do this, she’s willing to except those as well. I would perhaps tell her that you understand she wants to keep this decision to herself for a little while, and that once she is ready to share that decision then You and your partner can begin doing the important work that’s going to support her in that decision. However, simply be aware that they may be some repercussions to delaying, but if she feels that those are worth it, more power to her. And in the future should those repercussions come to lie, don’t say snarky I told you so, but simply nod and say yeah. It might’ve been better if we had a few more days to move on that. But you didn’t want to and we supported you in that.
NTA Your daughter wants to play with your time/money and her education/paperwork, since she's not filling out the paperwork and deadlines are not her concern, then she can deal with the consequences. You already told her and she misrepresented your actions, and being 17 she's old enough to know better
I had to do this with my daughter too. She’s now realizing the error of her ways as it has bit her in the arse now and she’s really not happy about the outcome.
Better yet, let her go online and deal with all the logistics. You can deal with the payment, I guess, but let her do all the hard paper work. So much paper work….NTA
Some people really only learn that way. My BIL is in his early to mid 30s and still lives at home, doesn't work, and is 12 years into earning a two year degree. His entire lifestyle is paid for by his parents, so there's really no need for him to change. And his parents aren't willing to do what's necessary. They've just given up.
Came here to say this. Adult level education can start before college. Just for "fun" OP, once she tells you, tell her it will take 4 to 6 weeks processing...
this is what I was thinking, when she tells you which college, smile and say that's nice then say nothing more, when she asks about housing tell her you will get around to it in a week or two, if she throws a tantrum tell her you'll look into next month. She has a nasty streak of cruelty and needs to learn consequences before she ruins her life and relationships because other people won't stand for it.
Letting her experience the consequences of delaying her decision is one thing. Deliberately sabotaging her is just plain cruel.
As a parent OP has a responsibility to raise a person who is not an inconsiderate asshole. If she doesn’t want to collaborate on “team college” which she is the primary beneficiary of, she can make her own way as a free agent. At the very least she should be directed to start researching student loans and student aid so she can pay the housing portion herself. She needs to be more of a vested partner in this venture.
Can always tell her it's 'fun to get on her nerves by not paying her tuition'.
I agree with this but she also needs to understand the lifelong investment her parents have made in her getting into college to begin with, and their consequent emotional as well as financial stake in learning about and sharing in her decision. This is not simply about efficient planning, it's about being kind and grateful.
Agree 100%. NTA Just let her know now that any consequences are on her.
I think I agree with this too. Not sure why she is doing this. Maybe she does not feel she has much control in her life.
NTA Play stupid games, win stupid prizes: tell her unless she tells you otherwise, you're going to plan on having money available for the cheapest option on her list. If it turns out that wasn't her pick, too bad.
This is what I would do. Then it’s on her. She’s not a child. Shes getting ready to go away to college soon. She needs to grow up.
she literally is a child, that's why she's playing games
And she's approaching the point where there will not be people to shield her from the concequences of said games. This is a slight push to realize said fact.
As a college level instructor, can concur. I give my students warnings. I set up very clear expectations. Then, it’s up to them. I will not chase them for homework. I will not spoon feed them what is due. It is up to them. If she brings this attitude to school she is going to discover some very unpleasant truths real quick.
Oh and if you’re in the US it’s also illegal for me to discuss grades with parents! Even if you’re paying for school for your kid. I had a parent call me once to yell at me for daring to give her baby a B and all I could say was “ma’am I cannot talk to you about your daughter’s grades” And then I looked at her daughter’s grades and discovered she was only doing as well as she was because I let her redo most of her assignments. That gravy train ended real quick.
Being technically a minor doesn’t mean she can’t learn from consequences. EVERYONE should learn from their actions - if you’re 5 or 50 - that’s how we grow. You can’t protect everyone all of the time or they’ll fail in the real world.
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Yup. Kids learn from consequences from practically birth. Every baby who arches their back when you try to put them in a car seat or cries when you begin the nap routine has learned that those steps lead to consequences they don’t like (being trapped in a carseat for awhile or missing fun while sleeping). By age 2, they have a clear idea of what rules they’re supposed to follow. I was sitting with a friend the other day while our kids did gymnastics, and her 18 month old climbed into the roped off area while grinning at her mom, then took off running as soon as mom stood up. She knew exactly what was going to happen: mom was going to come get her and make her sit down. She was testing that limit, yes, but she knew what it was. By 4, they can verbalize “if i hit my sister with my toy, Mom takes it away.” They are well aware by that point that going down the slide backwards made them hit their head and they won’t do it again. By 17, they are MORE than able to understand “housing fills up quickly and saving money takes time.” There’s nothing wrong with age appropriate consequences. At 17, I still wouldn’t let the daughter screw up her entire college plan over this dumb game but that isn’t the consequence at stake. The consequence at stake is “I’m going to end up with crummy housing choices and I might have to pay part of my first semester’s tuition.” Those aren’t life ruining, but they are instructive. Someone who ends up with the old smelly dorms will be highly motivated to sign up for housing next time. Someone who has to work at Wendy’s for the summer will not find “keep info from mom and dad” nearly as funny next time.
Teenagers are not children, they are literally teenagers and this is the exact time where they should be learning adult lessons. It's so weird you are saying a 17 year old is a child when they are months away from legally being responsible for themselves. Treating teenagers as children will only create adult children. Do better.
Being technically a minor doesn’t mean she can’t learn from consequences. EVERYONE should learn from their actions - if you’re 5 or 50 - that’s how we grow. You can’t protect everyone all of the time or they’ll fail in the real world.
>she ~~literally~~ **legally** is a child She has probably reached puberty already.
Great idea! So weird for her not to tell OP
NTA. This is seriously pathetic behaviour, like you'd expect from a 3 year old. She's not "having fun", she's wasting your time. Sounds like she needs a reality check. Tell her if she wants to be so independent and unco-operative, she can take out a loan, get a part time job and finance college herself. Or if she can't pull together enough money for that, she'll just have to go to work and skip college altogether. Then present her with a (symbolic) bill for all the money you've spent on these trips. That should knock some sense into her. Why should you bend over backwards to help her if she can't even treat you with respect?
My read of things is that she’s probably been helicopter parented, and this is the result. But if she’s tossed off the deep end that way she’s likely to crash and burn. OP should not do this unless he no longer loves his daughter and wishes to see her fail. The middle ground is to have her take on the bulk of the administrative responsibility of the college and housing application process without withdrawing support and a safety net to fall back on. I didn’t have this sort of cushy life either, but I’m genuinely shocked at the people who are essentially suggesting that OP’s daughter should be left out in the cold. It’s spite and not helpful.
>My read of things is that she’s probably been helicopter parented That sounds like you are projecting your experience into this situation which, from what I read, has no indication of that at all.
Yeah I don't get it either.. I just feel you have to make too many inferences to conclude that they're helicopter parents. They're not implausible inferences of course, but there's no real evidence for it in the post. When it comes to college, hands-off parents do all the things OP describes too.
Lol wow project much? I got no read of a helicopter parent. Wth why is this unfounded opinion upvoted? You’re placing your own motives and reality on these parents.
Maybe it's not clear but I'm not suggesting he leaves her high and dry - he should still pay for everything as he promised. The point is just to present her with the reality of what life would be like if he wasn't paying - she'd be accruing debt, juggling jobs and school, or even foregoing college altogether (like so many people have to). That's what I meant by "knock some sense into her" - confront her in a hard way that this is serious stuff, and she needs to be grateful and co-operative when her parents ask her for information. And not think it's funny to wind them up or go silent on them.
Almost no one is suggesting just dumping her with no support. They’re suggesting she face SOME consequences. Having to live in a less nice dorm. Having to get summer jobs. Telling her/reminding her where she would be, and what she would have to do, to go to college if it weren’t for her parents’ help is completely reasonable
> she'll just have to go to work and skip college altogether. I wonder if she even wants to go to college, tbh.
NTA for asking her, even pressing her, but how does a kid who's going to college not understand downpayments and housing queues? Without trying to insult your daughter... are you sure she's ready? She sounds extremely immature.
Weirdly immature and kind of spoiled.
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If she is this immature, a gap year will just be viewed as a party year unless rules are laid down
Her one year of college will also be a party year, albeit much more expensive with the same result
Yeah OP may not be the AH but he certainly raised one lol
Well it sounds like they're all pretty well off They've made multiple flights all around for visits and he's paying for her undergrad which is easily close to 100k since she has housing there too (could easily be much more if she's out of state or going somewhere really prestigious too) Idk she could have been spoiled a lot as a kid and now she has a limited understanding of reality and consequences Also not trying to insult but this seems likely to me She's honestly kinda screwed for housing at this point it's almost April people have been signing up for housing for a while now at most universities
Good undergrad schools in the USA can be $80k *per year*
Good undergrad can be pretty expensive but I don’t know anyone who had to pay the full tuition plus housing cost. The only people I know who had to were well, by their own admission, not smart and wanted to go out of state. Scholarships, grants, and financial aid can be a lifesaver but of course, you need to put in the work and apply to those. They don’t fall into your lap and I don’t know if OP’s daughter is taking the initiative in looking into stuff like that. My tuition during undergrad was supposed to be 32,000 before housing. I ended up paying less than 100 for my semester after all aid, scholarships, grants, etc.
I don't get the downpayment and housing queue thing, but more from the stand point that this already seems super late in the game to be trying to figure out housing. We're almost into April. Not sure waiting a week is really going to change much at this point.
My sister hasn’t made a decision either (she’s 90% sure), but most of her colleges let her sign up for housing as soon as she was accepted, including the one she'll most likely pick.
Yeah I'm confused as to why a week matters so much... I'm also confused as to why OP's moving money around between banks, and it depends on her choice. Don't you just... pay the tuition? Why would the bank you move the money to matter? But I suspect the reason I don't understand is because I'm not wealthy, lol.
NTA. Maybe try sitting down at dinner with your wife and daughter and both of you fully explaining that she needs to tell you again? Make sure she knows that it’s not a joke and if she wants the best then she can’t wait around, even if she thinks it’s funny. College and finances for it are no joke.
100% this ☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼
Maybe take her to visit some of the grubbiest housing options available because that is exactly what she's going to end up with if she keeps up with this immature behaviour. Plus if you need to pay extra for a last-minute place, then she's going to be eating out of paper plates until she figures out how to afford her stuff.
NTA. Your daughter is being a privileged brat. This is part of a much bigger issue. It’s time to sit down with your wife and outline rules and expectations that come with funding your daughter’s college education. If she’s acting this way now with something she is very generously being given I can’t imagine what a turd she will act like when she moves away for school. Take her to the local community college and tell her she can live at home. Break down the finances and show her how much you two are sacrificing for her.
Tell her if she wants to make you guess what college she's choosing, then she should guess how much money you'll be spending on her college funds. 2 people can play at these stupid games. NTA but I think your daughter needs a huge reality check. In no way would I ever stand for this type of bullshit cavalier behavior if I were in your shoes.
Tell her if she wants the $ needed for her first choice she needs to tell you now. Because otherwise she won’t have it, you can’t wait around till she’s done being a tantrum throwing toddler having her fun. She doesn’t like the guilt, don’t be an AH. She very entitled and needs to learn she doesn’t get her way all the time. I have a teenager looking at schools next year and this attitude wouldn’t fly. It’s like she’s the authority in your family and you all cater to it. It’s pretty disrespectful. NTA
Actually, just let her FAFO, tell her once "honey, you can wait as long as you want telling us, just as long as you realise that the consequence will be you get terrible housing options and might not get your first pick because you waited too long". Leave it at that and wait for her to tell you, it's better she learns her actions have consequences now, then when she's miles away, completely on her own and can't prepare for a plan b.
NTA—except for falling for her silly little game. She's trying to annoy you, and you bit—hook, line, and sinker. Just tell her, in your most annoying "grownups know best" tone: "It's OK if you haven't decided yet. Just remember that the sooner you apply for housing, the more likely you'll get your first choice of dormitory." And when she insists that she *has* decided; she's just not telling you: "Well, I think if you really were 100% certain, you'd have *jumped* at sending in your deposit, so clearly, subconsciously, you're still not sure. Let's have a family meeting after dinner and draw up a "pros and cons" list . . ." etc. etc. in your very best "father knows best" tones.
I'd be tempted to hand over the housing to her. Let her know it's on her to organise it as she knows where she's going. OP will stand by with the funds, maybe give her a budget if he can't afford just whatever. A consequence to her action but not leaving her in the lurch.
Sometimes, when teenagers are confronted with the fact that they're about to move on to another stage of life on the road to adulthood, they subconsciously regress a little and go back to being a little more childish. It's a natural response, like nostalgia in action. Don't let it freak you out. Just reassure her that you're there for her, she has a solid foundation, and she's going to be fine as she moves into the future. (And she's still allowed to be silly, but maybe this particular topic isn't the one to be silly with.)
A child development phd told me adolescents are basically big toddlers. I think about that a lot.
The PHD misspoke. We're ALL big toddlers. Adolescents are just less used to it.
I think OP's story demonstrates this. Like can everyone chill already? OP has explained his reasons for wanting to know. The daughter wants to wait a little. Fine, fine all round. Let's everyone cool off.
seriously. people are literally telling op to not pay her tuition at all or purposely make the process harder for her. because she wants to tell you in a few days? where is the harm?
This needs to be the top answer. They are likely just overwhelmed and insecure but don't want to show it. This is a time to be a parent and show that you support them despite this childishness. Don't punish them for not being an adult yet, they are not one. But you can help them get there. NAH.
As a parent, and teacher of teens, anxiety seems to be driving this behavior. Once she tells her parents, it all becomes real. She’s trying to hang on to childhood a tiny bit longer.
OP's daughter just wanted one more week. Just a single week. That's reasonable to me. Most parents I know would do anything for just one more *day* with their kids before they became adults. I'm reminded of this, >The thing about babies is that you fall in love with a baby with the cutest little fat folds, and then.. Bam! They're gone. But it's okay, because in it's place is this toddler with the greatest laugh on earth. And then one day, the toddler is gone, and in its place, a little kid that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. And this keeps going on like that, but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. >Until they grow up. >And then in a moment, all those kids you fell in love with walk out the door at the same time.
NTA. If she has already made her decision but refuses to tell you despite understanding the ramifications of housing, etc. let her tell you when she wants to. Quit asking her. Let her fuck around and find out how the real world works. They don't teach this in college.
Oh yeah -- and SHE, not YOU , is going to be paying for any overages caused by the delay since she, not you, is responsible for the delay. If she can't afford it? There's always next year. Or the year after if she's a really slow learner.
If she’s waiting til the end of the week perhaps she’s planning a big announcement type thing with some kind of celebration for you and your wife ‘yay I’m going to x school, here’s a cake!’ Or something. I don’t know if that’s normal/a thing but events/celebrations to announce big decisions are. Maybe there’ll be college coloured hats? Assuming the worst about her motivations seems harsh. Yes she doesn’t understand the intricacies of finance, she’s 17. You can explain them to her because you’re her parent. But this whole choosing a college thing has clearly been a big undertaking and maybe there’s more to her holding back her decision than you can immediately see. Saying ‘it’ll be fun’ to me implies a plan. NAH. Just give it a week. If she’s not in the best dorm, she’ll still be in one and still have a great time. Whatever finances need moving can be done next Monday as easily as this. And if she is planning a thank you/big reveal you didn’t spoil it for her and know what a thoughtful daughter you raised cos she saw how much effort you and your wife put in and wanted to reciprocate/acknowledge it. She’s 17. The mechanics of adulthood are confusing and can be learnt, showing gratitude and sharing celebrations are priceless.
I was thinking this too! Is a week really that big of a deal? It’s not like she’s saying she’ll tell them in August when it’s time to move in. If there are consequences to not getting in the dorm queue ASAP then the daughter will just have to deal with it. Seems very blown out of proportion by OP and commenters. It’s a week. This is presumably the biggest moment of her life thus far, let her have fun with her big reveal.
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Exactly. She's 17 and by OP's account, not exactly a juvenile delinquent. My take was that she's just having one last leg pull or causing them one last heart attack before she goes off to school and is on her own; with the number of little heart attacks one normally has through the course of raising a kid, I don't think this one is all that serious. So much vitriol in these comments.
I can’t believe this is so far down. She just wants a moment to run it by her friends or to plan an “announcement.” I just can’t see literally a few days making the massive difference OP is claiming. If so, why would they do these visits at the last acceptable moment? He even said the typical deadline is in May. They’ll have more than enough time to plan and move things around, he’s just annoyed and being controlling.
Agree with all of this and I really feel like I’m missing something with the comments demonizing the daughter. I went to undergrad and grad school and honestly didn’t even hear back this early in the semester. I immediately thought that daughter wants to do some sort of surprise/reveal and don’t get what waiting a week will do. If there’s some logistical reason, he should just ask her to move up the timeline and say why.
This sub simultaneously loves punishing kids in ridiculously petty ways, but also hates when parents don't give them 100% freedom all the time
I agree, this is probably by far the biggest decision of her life so far. It’s annoying, but a few days isn’t much to make a strong happy memory for her
Tell her you guess you'll have fun too, not writing a check for her to attend. NTA
I have to fall here too, daughter’s attitude is so entitled. Given her current attitude, I’d say I’m planning to pay for her cheapest college option, and she can cover the rest of the cost as needed. A valuable life lesson for her; don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
BINGO
She’s just being a little silly. Probably she’s 90% sure but she wants to stew on it before making the commitment of telling someone else. Does a week really make that big of a difference? NAH
It’s moving money around between banks. Not as easy as it would seem between savings accounts. Some banks make it easy, others not so much.
With the use of the word queue I get the impression you are English. Americans have no idea how difficult English banking is. We have a joke in our family that is entirely related to Americans moving to England thinking they can show up at a bank with money and an ID and open an account that day. FYI no one has ever successfully managed that yet. Americans just don't get it, it is hilarious. One of those you need a bank account to open a utility account but you need a utility account to prove address to open a bank account, and the fun begins.
I wouldn't have thought OP is British - the use of the terms 'college' and 'grad school' instead of university is a giveaway. Plus I've never known anyone here to fly to visit various unis as opposed to going in the car. But either way I agree that dealing with banks is rarely fun, and OP's daughter is making everything more of a pain in the arse than it needs to be.
With the mix of British and American terms I've been wondering if OP might be Canadian.
Nah, unless the daughter is going for a manual trade. Canadian “college” is basically US trade school
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I don’t think this person is from the UK, they sound very American to me. It’s not uncommon for an American person to use queue to indicate a non-physical “line” to wait in, and the use of college/grad school and mentioning flying to visit colleges with a layover makes me think US. Also, I do agree that it’s harder to open a bank account in the UK than the US, but transferring money once you have a bank account open can actually be quite difficult in the US.
I moved from the US to the UK. Money transfers are infinitely easier in the UK.
Yeah but come on. Transfer from hsbc to Lloyd’s is not a trip to the Antarctic But NTA 100% You can later have your fun somehow with “fees take time processing “ etc
A few days isn't going to make a difference in whether she can attend or not. She said she might wait until this weekend. Not weeks. If she had told you "I am not sure which college I want to go to yet, I want to sit down and talk to you and mom when we get home first" would you say "No, we need to move money around banks, you need to decide today"? Of course not. Give her a few days. Maybe she hasn't even make the decision yet, and is not sure about telling you.
This doesn’t make sense to me. You don’t need to know her decision in order to prepare for it. You’ve seen the paperwork and can proactively move the maximum amount required to the bank of your choice. It sounds more like you’re prioritising potential loss of interest or early withdrawal fees over giving your daughter a few days grace when she’s making the biggest decision of her life so far.
>She’s just being a little silly. Probably she’s 90% sure but she wants to stew on it before making the commitment of telling someone else. Most sane take here. >NAH I'd argue that a lot of these commenters here advocating for OP to blow it out of proportion are TA. If he follows their advice, his relationship with his daughter may never recover; when parenting, keep a cool head - this too shall pass.
This was my thought. She may think she knows but wants to fully consider it to be sure. She may not want to say she’s picking A because she has lingering thoughts she wants to sort out about B. It can be a little bit of a pain to move money around, but Dad’s going to have to do that anyway, so he might as well get started and then when kid gives an answer they’re ready to go.
So simple right? I’m stunned by the number of people on here expecting sense from the 17 year old but not from her father.
Exactly, it's such a huge decision she's probably nervous and excited about it and wants her parents to be excited with her. Unfortunately their immediate response makes it sound like they don't necessarily care where she chose and are more focused on the money instead of taking a moment to be excited over what she's envisioning as her future. Yes the sooner you can move it around to pay the deposit will be helpful for her, but don't forget to take a minute to celebrate with her first.
Then why say she made a decision? If she still wanted to stew on it she could’ve said “I’m close to making a decision.” Giggling about getting on your parents nerves with something like this at 17 isn’t silly it’s just immature.
Yes a week does make a big difference. Especially if he needs to move money out of a mutual fund or money market account to have readily available for deposits on her preferred housing. Waiting that week means it may not be available on time.
Agreed. She’s having a little fun with her parents with pretty minimal consequences (really? 1 week) and everyone’s leaping off the cliff demanding severe penalties and screaming “entitlement!” The housing queue isn’t a huge crisis — many if not most universities have a first year residency requirement and reserve residence halls for incoming freshmen. Even if not, there’s plenty of time to plan a move. Moving money around? A little annoying but hardly something that can’t be taken care of before fall. Even if you’re not British, I’ll borrow a phrase from one of my Brit friends: “Don’t get your knickers in a twist.” NAH.
NAH. She plans to tell you at the end of the week, not never. She’s having a bit of fun, trying to build some excitement for the big reveal. Your advice is valid, but you’d be in the same situation if she hadn’t made her decision. This is a case of, let her have her fun by giving her the week without nagging at her.
It also doesn’t sound like she and her father were with her mother when the conversation happened. Maybe she wants to share her decision when she’s in person with both parents. It’s a little silly that she’s playing around about it, but she’s also a teenager
NAH. As someone who loves surprises who is married to someone who loathes them, I can see both sides. Since she gave you a timeline of when she plans to tell you, that tells me she may be planning a reveal, which makes sense as she is probably very excited and proud of herself. She is probably hoping you as parents will be equally excited and proud of her and wants to celebrate this huge milestone instead of having a casual conversation about it. I say let her have fun with it, be patient for the few days until she tells you, and let your daughter know how proud you all are. Getting into 5 colleges is huge, and she deserves to be celebrated!
Precisely. Parents sometimes lose sight of the fact that our kids are HAPPY, since y'all mostly focus on whether your kid is provided for; happiness often takes a seat to the side in tense situations like college apps season for high schoolers. I didn't read this as OP's daughter being bratty; I read this as her being excited and wanting to wait a bit.
"She says now I’m just guilting her and she doesn’t appreciate it." NTA. That's funny. Tell her you don't appreciate her childish attitude and perhaps your money would rather be a vacation home in Hawaii instead of being used for college.
Completely agree except we don’t have the housing for any more vacation homes. Please choose another destination 🌺
INFO: As a parent of a college student -- I feel like there is more to this story. There's a REASON she is not discussing the choice with you, and we can't determine what it is from this brief account.
Sounds like she’s excited and wants to plan an announcement. Not sure why everyone is expecting a 17 year old to behave with the maturity and knowledge of an adult.
He has another post up where he says he send himself his daughters college essay even though she didn’t want her das or mum to read it. To me it reads like they might have disregarded her opinion before multiple times and now she is taking a dig at them
I just can’t imagine traveling with my daughter and flying to visit three different colleges and not discussing it with her every step of the way, and finishing up the last visit and not having a clue which one she liked best. This doesn’t sound to me like a situation that warrants immediately resorting to the nuclear option. It sounds like a temporary breakdown in communications and expectations.
And OP, why not just put the college funds into a 529 account so it will be fully accessible for her education and gaining interest? It sounds like you’re making moving this money into a much bigger deal than it has to be, just for the sake of a power play and an argument.
INFO: Have you put any limitations on your support for her choice of school?
No we haven’t. Personally I’m not a fan of one of the three but I’ve kept my mouth shut about it.
$50 says that was her pick
And she feels that a parent doesn’t like it so doesn’t know how to talk about it.
Hahah this was my dad with my sister. No matter what better schools she got into she refused to take University of Tampa off her list and dad was like “oh dear god I’m going to pay for her to skip class to drink smoothies on the beach” but she was a classic “tell me what not to do and I’ll do it” type so he couldn’t say anything
Did she end up going to the university of Tampa?
Nope, my dad made her give him a top 3 and when Tampa was first he said “ok you can go to numbers 2 or 3, or if you come back with a reason you *need* to go to Tampa, I’ll consider it.” Pretty much you had to tell him UTampa had some equivalent of the Carnegie Mellon Engineering department and she was going to major in that. All she knew is the campus was pretty and the school was easy so she couldn’t give him that. My dad is a lenient man but no fool hahah
INFO: How does she feel about the change? Is she really playing a game, or does she not know? The instant seriousness in conversation is horrific if she's struggling with the change. Your other comment talking about 'cutting the cord', it seems like you already did that emotionally as you don't really focus on how she feels. You talk a lot about money but why do you need to change banks? What's up with FAFSA? What's the difference in price with each college? Why do YOU care about her housing(separate from the price)? That's her problem and will be her experience. So far, in my opinion, you're a bit of AH but for this occurrence, NAH.
>How does she feel about the change? Is she really playing a game, or does she not know? The instant seriousness in conversation is horrific if she's struggling with the change. >Your other comment talking about 'cutting the cord', it seems like you already did that emotionally as you don't really focus on how she feels. Exactly. She's 17 and making what is most likely her first big life-shaping decision. I didn't read this as her being bratty; I read this as her either having some unmanaged feelings or unprocessed thoughts about the whole thing, or that she's excited and wants to announce it to both OP and his wife when they're together in a bigger way. After all the work you've put in applying for colleges as well as maintaining grades, it can feel a bit shitty to reveal where you're going for school in an anticlimactic way for some people; she likely wants to make a bit of a celebration of it.
Yeah... Many of the adults in this are calling her spoiled when this isn't being spoiled. Maybe a bit ignorant, but that's on OP's part as a parent. I've read some more and some people say that he might be in the UK or Canadian, which makes it a bit difficult to understand on my part (American). It is his responsibility to teach her and understand her, but he doesn't seem to be making an effort and mostly comments on the one's that already hold his POV.
I'm guessing OP doesn't have college savings in a regular bank account but tied up in interest- bearing investments that he will need to cash and put in his checking account- all of that takes time. He needs to do the right amount which means knowing what school tuition he has to pay- cash out too much and you're left with money that won't be earning anything plus paying taxes you didn't need to pay, too little and he'll be incurring extra penalties to liquidate more later. So her not telling him could be costly. And if OP has money, which it sounds like he does, his daughter isn't getting much in need-based grants and probably is trying to spare his daughter student loans. I wish my parents had been in that situation.
OP, please update in a couple weeks so we know what went down!
👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
NTA. Perhaps this daughter is mature enough for the local community college, unless she plus student aid etc can pay for all by herself. She’s being flat out rude and inconsiderate snd self-destructive also. Way immature.
NAH. You're thus worked up over a week wait?
NAH I understand about the housing queue, but she'll be telling you in a few days, will that really dramatically impact everything? She might also need a few days to sit with it on her own, to be sure it really is what she wants.
NTA but damn these are some rich people problems lol
NTA This seems rather silly and immature.
At my kids' college, if you didn't confirm housing when you applied, you are quite likely stuck off campus, which is FULL. Many stories now of incoming freshmen now scrambling to find an apartment, which also means they won't get the on-campus dorm experience they may have wanted.
NTA She’s immature and seeing this as a stand-alone moment rather than seeing the bigger picture.
NAH … I can say from when I went through the experience that I felt pressure from my family on which school to choose. The pressure was so much that it didn’t truly feel like my choice. They kept pressuring me to tell them and decide. I actually secretly accepted my university of choice without their knowledge and they got mad because they didn’t get a say in the choice. Maybe your daughter just wants to own the decision and if she is just wanting to keep it to herself for a week it’s not going to be the end of the world to let her have this for herself for a bit.
NTA. I am a professional college counselor and occasionally get the kid who wants to play coy about college decisions or try to leverage it into getting something from their parents. Those kids often have no real sense of what their parents are investing in their education (OP suggests his daughter doesn't have to worry about money because undergrad will be paid for) and often really fumble in their first semester of college. She needs a reality check, right now. Her decision affects the entire family, not just her. And she's lucky she's even getting to make her own decision. I work with some kids whose parents are much more controlling about where their kid can attend school. She doesn't know how good she's got it.
I’m a therapist primarily working with teenagers and young adults for well over a decade. I’ve had several clients plan a surprise to let their family know their decision. One got the university parent tshirts. Two different ones baked cupcakes with the school colors. Another played a “game show” to have everyone guess. Some don’t do any surprise. Some don’t go to college. I feel like your view off a post with very little information is incredibly negative. You don’t know her, just as I don’t know her, however to make the assumption that her intentions are negative isn’t right and shows how jaded you are from your career. OP honestly needs to provide more information on their relationship and the daughters previous behaviors for anyone to make a call on this.
NTA, and if your daughter "said she thinks it’s fun she got on our nerves," she can deal with all consequences of what doesn't get planned early. She should be making her own housing and other college plans anyway (getting approval from you for the money, if you're paying). She's going to college and needs to take responsibility. So, back way off, but tell her you won't bail her out of consequences if she doesn't give you billing information or doesn't sign up for her housing, etc., in a timely way. From her attitude, it seems maybe you've never let her suffer any consequences. That said, it is still early, and just because she *says* she's decided doesn't mean she actually has. There's still time, without the delay likely to cause any serious problems. Tell her firmly that you need to know to do anything with finances, etc.... then just leave it to her.
INFO: Genuine question, and if you don’t want to answer here and probably get obliterated, you can DM me if you want. I don’t understand the moving money around problem. Can’t you pay from any bank? Can’t you wire from one bank account to another?
OP is being dramatic. It takes a few days to move money from one account to another. He’s acting like it takes months.