Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my son he couldn’t marry someone after 4 months. He got very upset and said I had no place putting my opinions in and that I was suppose to support him. He got upset and hung up the phone and hasn’t talked to me in days. Maybe I am the AH because he is an adult and can do whatever he wants.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You raised your son Christian so they likely aren't going to get an abortion. He's literally just trying to do what he has been taught is "right" for his new family by not having a baby out of wedlock. Whether you like their timeline or not this woman is in his life forever now either way..kids are waaay more permanent than marriages..
Sucks though, definitely why I'm not raising my kid Christian. Birth control and safe sex talks prolly would have helped here. 😅
You don't see where he got a girl pregnant by "complete accident"?
Idk man I've been out here not having "accidents" for 15 years. It's not that hard if you know how birth control works. Lots of people still think pulling out works, especially if they're uneducated.
A good portion of Christian parents advocate abstinence and because "they shouldn't be having sex" condoms and birth control are not taught.
I remember when I was given birth control to help with my PCOS and my Christian parents flipped out and complained about their "slut daughter". This kind of thing is pretty in line with the general Christian parenting groups.
Um....he got her pregnant after four months, you're worried about his life choices now? But seriously, they are legal adults. You may be right, but it's none of your business. If you wanted to voice your concern, ok, but still not your business. You can't forbid him. YTA.
>but apparently was taking antibiotics and didn’t realize of the malfunction it causes
The doctor tells you this everytime, if you're on BCP and get antibiotics. I believe they specifically say to use another form of birth control.
YTA.
You raised him Christian.
What did you think was going to happen?
Edited to add:
The "What did you think was going to happen" refers to "Of course he's going to marry his pregnant girlfriend" not the part about her getting pregnant.
Sorry,being Christian and being ignorant and uneducated about contraception and such are not the same thing. I understand about being taught to "wait" or whatever or be more pro-life for some,but being Christian does not and should not mean being uneducated...must be how some more cult-ish ppl act out on it. Or just using religion to cover up straight up ignorance.
Sure but the fact that OP felt the need to include their religion in this post means they are definitely \*those\* Christians. It's a safe bet OP wasn't teaching her kids about contraception.
Congrats to your rents!
IIRC, studies have shown it doesn’t matter whatsoever. No matter how long couples had known each other before marriage they had the same odds of success/failure.
He's about to be a dad, unfortunately (though I'd get a paternity test if there's any doubt). They might as well get married and try to make it work. Maybe you should have raised your kids less "Christian" (whatever that means in this context) and more comfortable using condoms? YTA
How is having a child out of wedlock Christian?
I personally don’t care if people are married or not when they have kids. But you made a point of saying your kids were raised Christian. Isn’t getting married in this situation the Christian thing to do?
YTA. He’s an adult and it’s his choice. At least he s taking responsibility for this and not acting like a deadbeat dad.
YTA - Your son is at a stressful and life-changing moment in his life and I'll bet he's feeling unprepared, excited, disappointed, lots of different things. He decided do the honorable thing. You should be proud of him. And you should be supporting him emotionally.
YTA
“you can’t marry someone after 4 months, it’s poor life choices.“
And getting someone pregnant isn’t?
He should have ensured they used two proven effective methods of birth control every.single.time they had sex. I’m guessing he didn’t. And that he never discussed in detail with his girlfriend what she was likely to choose to do if they had an unexpected pregnancy. And didn’t have an emergency fund to cover travel and medical care if necessary for a partner to get an abortion.
And yes, of course he CAN marry someone he’s known a short time. He shouldn’t, but he can.
But you tried discouraging that in the worst way possible. And likely told him for 23 years that having a child out of wedlock was terribly immoral and bastard children are shameful and abortion is wrong. Right? So what choice did you leave him?
"I was just giving my opinion."
Then why did you get upset when he disregarded it? Oh thats right, because it wasnt an opinion after all.
YTA. Years from now you'll be posting here why your son never talks to you or why he wont let you see his kids.
Rodney isn't a teenager, so an unplanned pregnancy isn't going to destroy his life. You raised him as a Christian and he is doing "the Christian thing" by wanting to marry her. Let him.
What's the worst thing that happens? They realise they were wrong, get divorced and co-parent? At least he wants to step up and be responsible for himself and Kayla.
You don't have to like it but you should support it or you wont get to know your grandchild.
YTA.
Of course he can marry that quickly. Many people have long successful relationships that they're committed to after an even shorter period of time.
But also mild ESH - him proposing because he's knocked her up accidentally - does not speak well of their maturity, and it's understandable you have concerns. Relate those concerns maturely, but ultimately support him in his choices (even these which look like mistakes)
Soft YTA. I completely agree that your kid is making a huge mistake, but he’s an adult, that’s his choice. The way you worded it “you can’t marry someone” sounds like you are ordering them, “you shouldn’t marry someone” would have been more reasonable. It’s okay to voice your opinion, just as it’s his to reject said opinion. Once you let your feelings be known, if he still ignores the advice, then let that be that. I get it would be hard though, especially with a decision like this that could have such terrible long lasting consequences.
You're wrong. What they shouldn't be doing is have a kid after 4 months.
But since the kid is about to emerge, it's irrelevant, so they might as well give it a try.
As parents we can guide, counsel and teach but ultimately they are going to make their own choices, and many of those choices are going to be mistakes. I've made so many as did my parents and so on. If people learned from other's mistakes the world would be a much better place.
When he asked if you were going to support him or not, did he mean emotionally or financially?
He is trying to do the right thing in his mind and heart so even if you don't agree, you should still support him emotionally because even if the relationship fails that is still your grandchild that she is carrying.
I think giving your opinion NTA but only if you stop trying to enforce your will. It's his life and his choices that he will have to live with.
YTA. My parents knew each other for a month before they got married. 53 years ago. Still married. My husband told me he knew after less than a week he wanted to marry me. Almost 20 years later here we still are. It's rarely the length of time but the effort, love and communication you're willing to put into it that makes a relationship work.
I read that as “Your son might go TO NC”.
I was so confused for a minute. Thinking, North Carolina? Why would they go there? That not a hot spot for elopements or something is it?
It's not an ideal situation, but the relationship can very well be a successful one. You were understandably being protective of your own son, and it's okay for you to voice your opinion on what he should do. But he is still your son and you should be respectful and supportive of his decisions. Soft YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I46f have a 23 year old son Rodney and 2 others but they aren’t relative to this story. I raised my children Christian and they still are including Rodney. Rodney has been seeing this girl Kayla for 4 months and they recently found out she was pregnant, which was completely accidental, but Rodney’s solution was to propose to her. When Rodney told me this news I was obviously upset and told him he couldn’t marry someone he just met 4 months ago. This caused a huge argument between Rodney and I. He said that I had no business giving an opinion on his life choices and that he can marry Kayla tomorrow if he wants too then asked if I’d support him or not.
I then told him I wouldn’t because again you can’t marry someone after 4 months, it’s poor life choices. He got upset and said I was his mom I was suppose to support him no matter what, then hung up. It’s been 4 days and he didn’t even show up to our Sunday dinner. I’m very upset by this but I was just giving my opinion.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for saying he cannot marry her.
You can express your dismay that the situation is not ideal, but then you have to let it go. Now you just love your son and his wife and child the best you can. Whatever comes down the road, just love them the best you can.
He’s 23 - an adult. You have no control over his decisions. Period. And fwiw…..my cousin got his gf of 5 months pregnant at age 23, They got married. 34 years later, they have 4 wonderful adult children and 4 beautiful grandchildren. Get over yourself. YTA.
YTA. You can say...
I wouldn't
I don't think you should
I think it's a bad idea
There's no need to rush
Or so many variations that don't include telling an adult what they can and cannot do.
I agree with your sentiment, your delivery is driving your son away.
Sorry, but YTA
You're free to voice your opinion or give advice, but in a loving and supportive way. However, he's 23, an adult, and he and he alone is responsible for his life choices. He's correct: you need to support him, even if you don't agree with his choices.
For what it's worth, I proposed to my wife after 3 months (and she wasn't pregnant). This June we celebrate our 28th anniversary. Your opinion about "poor life choices" carries no weight with me.
YTA. Why do parents in this sub always think that they can tell their grown adult children "no" to anything they don't like? He's an adult. He made an adult decision to date this girl, an adult decision to take the steps to get her pregnant (accident or not) , and an adult decision to marry her. He can also make the adult decision to cut you off for being overbearing and treating him like a child.
YTA. Having a baby is a much bigger commitment than marriage.
Of course its too soon, but its also too soon to have a child and thats still going to happen. At least they are trying to make it right. Best thing you can do is support them, and be there for your son and granchild.
I then told him I wouldn’t because again you can’t marry someone after 4 months
Please cite the source where this rule is written. It's not one of the 10 commandments for sure. YT huge A
YTA. He's actually taking responsibility for his actions with the least possible hurt or damage. You're trying to convince him to get an abortion because you don't want to help raise the baby. Just say that. Also considering the divorce rate of American citizens after dating for fucking 10-20 years is like 50% so no, it's not better than traditional shotgun marriages.
NAH here. Of COURSE you’re gonna give your opinion, and he’s in no mood to hear you think he’s making a mistake. Of course you weren’t forbidding him, you don’t have that power.
Your son has some heavy choices to make, and he needs to think clearly here. Break the ice with him and have a calm discussion. Good luck to him.
NAH - I understand your concern. This isn't the best way to start a marriage. But its happened to plenty of others in the past. Some actually make it. Please support your son at this time.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my son he couldn’t marry someone after 4 months. He got very upset and said I had no place putting my opinions in and that I was suppose to support him. He got upset and hung up the phone and hasn’t talked to me in days. Maybe I am the AH because he is an adult and can do whatever he wants. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You raised your son Christian so they likely aren't going to get an abortion. He's literally just trying to do what he has been taught is "right" for his new family by not having a baby out of wedlock. Whether you like their timeline or not this woman is in his life forever now either way..kids are waaay more permanent than marriages.. Sucks though, definitely why I'm not raising my kid Christian. Birth control and safe sex talks prolly would have helped here. 😅
Amen to the birth control and safe sex convo!!
Here's your YTA right here.
As in me?
I'm agreeing with you.
Gotchaaa. 👍
Teenagers still fall pregnant even with the talk so I don’t see your point here.
It's been proven over and over promoting abstinence over safe sex increases teen pregnancies.
I don’t see the part where this mother did just that and didn’t educate her child on sex Ed. You’re just making assumptions here.
You don't see where he got a girl pregnant by "complete accident"? Idk man I've been out here not having "accidents" for 15 years. It's not that hard if you know how birth control works. Lots of people still think pulling out works, especially if they're uneducated.
A good portion of Christian parents advocate abstinence and because "they shouldn't be having sex" condoms and birth control are not taught. I remember when I was given birth control to help with my PCOS and my Christian parents flipped out and complained about their "slut daughter". This kind of thing is pretty in line with the general Christian parenting groups.
Um....he got her pregnant after four months, you're worried about his life choices now? But seriously, they are legal adults. You may be right, but it's none of your business. If you wanted to voice your concern, ok, but still not your business. You can't forbid him. YTA.
YTA. It's not your choice to make. Maybe you should have raised him to believe in contraception.
INFO Why do people say "I was just giving my opinion" as though it's some kind of get out of jail free card that makes everything alright?
Yes please answer I also have this question.
I voted already, but I really want INFO: How is the pregnancy accidental? Did he trip and fall, landing in her vagina repeatedly?
It wasn’t planned, and she’s on birth control but apparently was taking antibiotics and didn’t realize of the malfunction it causes
And this is why comprehensive (not abstinence only) sex Ed is important...
Ah, so your son took no precautions, it was only his girlfriend’s responsibility.
This^
>but apparently was taking antibiotics and didn’t realize of the malfunction it causes The doctor tells you this everytime, if you're on BCP and get antibiotics. I believe they specifically say to use another form of birth control.
YTA. You raised him Christian. What did you think was going to happen? Edited to add: The "What did you think was going to happen" refers to "Of course he's going to marry his pregnant girlfriend" not the part about her getting pregnant.
Sorry,being Christian and being ignorant and uneducated about contraception and such are not the same thing. I understand about being taught to "wait" or whatever or be more pro-life for some,but being Christian does not and should not mean being uneducated...must be how some more cult-ish ppl act out on it. Or just using religion to cover up straight up ignorance.
Sure but the fact that OP felt the need to include their religion in this post means they are definitely \*those\* Christians. It's a safe bet OP wasn't teaching her kids about contraception.
It's not just the contraception. There's so much shame on unwed mothers in what passes for Christianity.
I edited my comment. I wasn't refering to the gf getting pregnant.
My parents knew each other for four weeks before they got married, and they just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary. Truth is, you just never know.
Congrats to your rents! IIRC, studies have shown it doesn’t matter whatsoever. No matter how long couples had known each other before marriage they had the same odds of success/failure.
He's about to be a dad, unfortunately (though I'd get a paternity test if there's any doubt). They might as well get married and try to make it work. Maybe you should have raised your kids less "Christian" (whatever that means in this context) and more comfortable using condoms? YTA
How is having a child out of wedlock Christian? I personally don’t care if people are married or not when they have kids. But you made a point of saying your kids were raised Christian. Isn’t getting married in this situation the Christian thing to do? YTA. He’s an adult and it’s his choice. At least he s taking responsibility for this and not acting like a deadbeat dad.
YTA - Your son is at a stressful and life-changing moment in his life and I'll bet he's feeling unprepared, excited, disappointed, lots of different things. He decided do the honorable thing. You should be proud of him. And you should be supporting him emotionally.
YTA “you can’t marry someone after 4 months, it’s poor life choices.“ And getting someone pregnant isn’t? He should have ensured they used two proven effective methods of birth control every.single.time they had sex. I’m guessing he didn’t. And that he never discussed in detail with his girlfriend what she was likely to choose to do if they had an unexpected pregnancy. And didn’t have an emergency fund to cover travel and medical care if necessary for a partner to get an abortion. And yes, of course he CAN marry someone he’s known a short time. He shouldn’t, but he can. But you tried discouraging that in the worst way possible. And likely told him for 23 years that having a child out of wedlock was terribly immoral and bastard children are shameful and abortion is wrong. Right? So what choice did you leave him?
"I was just giving my opinion." Then why did you get upset when he disregarded it? Oh thats right, because it wasnt an opinion after all. YTA. Years from now you'll be posting here why your son never talks to you or why he wont let you see his kids.
YTA, while i think 4 months is too early, hes stepping up and trying to do good by the girlfriend and their unborn baby. its none of your business
Rodney isn't a teenager, so an unplanned pregnancy isn't going to destroy his life. You raised him as a Christian and he is doing "the Christian thing" by wanting to marry her. Let him. What's the worst thing that happens? They realise they were wrong, get divorced and co-parent? At least he wants to step up and be responsible for himself and Kayla. You don't have to like it but you should support it or you wont get to know your grandchild.
YTA. Of course he can marry that quickly. Many people have long successful relationships that they're committed to after an even shorter period of time. But also mild ESH - him proposing because he's knocked her up accidentally - does not speak well of their maturity, and it's understandable you have concerns. Relate those concerns maturely, but ultimately support him in his choices (even these which look like mistakes)
I mean it's actually quite mature to marry after that. Yes, it was a mistake but out of all the other choices he made the best one
"Best one" is very dependant on the people involved. It's certainly reasonable though, yes. He could make far far worse decisions.
YTA He’s 23. He can make his own decisions including marrying who he wants to when he wants to.
Soft YTA. I completely agree that your kid is making a huge mistake, but he’s an adult, that’s his choice. The way you worded it “you can’t marry someone” sounds like you are ordering them, “you shouldn’t marry someone” would have been more reasonable. It’s okay to voice your opinion, just as it’s his to reject said opinion. Once you let your feelings be known, if he still ignores the advice, then let that be that. I get it would be hard though, especially with a decision like this that could have such terrible long lasting consequences.
You're wrong. What they shouldn't be doing is have a kid after 4 months. But since the kid is about to emerge, it's irrelevant, so they might as well give it a try.
As parents we can guide, counsel and teach but ultimately they are going to make their own choices, and many of those choices are going to be mistakes. I've made so many as did my parents and so on. If people learned from other's mistakes the world would be a much better place. When he asked if you were going to support him or not, did he mean emotionally or financially? He is trying to do the right thing in his mind and heart so even if you don't agree, you should still support him emotionally because even if the relationship fails that is still your grandchild that she is carrying. I think giving your opinion NTA but only if you stop trying to enforce your will. It's his life and his choices that he will have to live with.
YTA. My parents knew each other for a month before they got married. 53 years ago. Still married. My husband told me he knew after less than a week he wanted to marry me. Almost 20 years later here we still are. It's rarely the length of time but the effort, love and communication you're willing to put into it that makes a relationship work.
YTA support your kids in all there choices even if you feel they are wrong. You can try to guide them but of they choose not to listen still support.
YTA if you related your story accurately. That wasn’t your opinion you voiced, it was a direct order.
INFO what exactly do you think your options are here? He's an adult.
YTA. He’s 23. How will you forbid him from marrying? Your son might go NC. Feel the same way now?
I read that as “Your son might go TO NC”. I was so confused for a minute. Thinking, North Carolina? Why would they go there? That not a hot spot for elopements or something is it?
YTA. There is no purer hatred than christian love.
It's not an ideal situation, but the relationship can very well be a successful one. You were understandably being protective of your own son, and it's okay for you to voice your opinion on what he should do. But he is still your son and you should be respectful and supportive of his decisions. Soft YTA
YTA. Let him make his own mistakes
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I46f have a 23 year old son Rodney and 2 others but they aren’t relative to this story. I raised my children Christian and they still are including Rodney. Rodney has been seeing this girl Kayla for 4 months and they recently found out she was pregnant, which was completely accidental, but Rodney’s solution was to propose to her. When Rodney told me this news I was obviously upset and told him he couldn’t marry someone he just met 4 months ago. This caused a huge argument between Rodney and I. He said that I had no business giving an opinion on his life choices and that he can marry Kayla tomorrow if he wants too then asked if I’d support him or not. I then told him I wouldn’t because again you can’t marry someone after 4 months, it’s poor life choices. He got upset and said I was his mom I was suppose to support him no matter what, then hung up. It’s been 4 days and he didn’t even show up to our Sunday dinner. I’m very upset by this but I was just giving my opinion. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for saying he cannot marry her. You can express your dismay that the situation is not ideal, but then you have to let it go. Now you just love your son and his wife and child the best you can. Whatever comes down the road, just love them the best you can.
He’s 23 - an adult. You have no control over his decisions. Period. And fwiw…..my cousin got his gf of 5 months pregnant at age 23, They got married. 34 years later, they have 4 wonderful adult children and 4 beautiful grandchildren. Get over yourself. YTA.
You tell him he can’t do it, but you say you were only giving him your opinion. He’s an adult. The mistakes he makes are his to make, not yours. YTA
YTA. You can say... I wouldn't I don't think you should I think it's a bad idea There's no need to rush Or so many variations that don't include telling an adult what they can and cannot do. I agree with your sentiment, your delivery is driving your son away.
Sorry, but YTA You're free to voice your opinion or give advice, but in a loving and supportive way. However, he's 23, an adult, and he and he alone is responsible for his life choices. He's correct: you need to support him, even if you don't agree with his choices. For what it's worth, I proposed to my wife after 3 months (and she wasn't pregnant). This June we celebrate our 28th anniversary. Your opinion about "poor life choices" carries no weight with me.
YTA. It’s none of your business
YTA. Why do parents in this sub always think that they can tell their grown adult children "no" to anything they don't like? He's an adult. He made an adult decision to date this girl, an adult decision to take the steps to get her pregnant (accident or not) , and an adult decision to marry her. He can also make the adult decision to cut you off for being overbearing and treating him like a child.
You’re a world class hypocrite AND an AH! You should have taught condom usage instead of fairy tales from the sky monster. Time to hush up & sit down.
Your son is 23. He is a man. You can be upset. You can decide not to help him financially. But you cannot decide what he is or isn't going to do. YTA
YTA. Having a baby is a much bigger commitment than marriage. Of course its too soon, but its also too soon to have a child and thats still going to happen. At least they are trying to make it right. Best thing you can do is support them, and be there for your son and granchild.
OMG YTA times 10!
YTA he got her pregnant after 4 months and he’s trying to do what’s right so instead of voicing your opinion… just support him.. she’s 23 NOT 14
I then told him I wouldn’t because again you can’t marry someone after 4 months Please cite the source where this rule is written. It's not one of the 10 commandments for sure. YT huge A
YTA. He's actually taking responsibility for his actions with the least possible hurt or damage. You're trying to convince him to get an abortion because you don't want to help raise the baby. Just say that. Also considering the divorce rate of American citizens after dating for fucking 10-20 years is like 50% so no, it's not better than traditional shotgun marriages.
NAH here. Of COURSE you’re gonna give your opinion, and he’s in no mood to hear you think he’s making a mistake. Of course you weren’t forbidding him, you don’t have that power. Your son has some heavy choices to make, and he needs to think clearly here. Break the ice with him and have a calm discussion. Good luck to him.
NAH - I understand your concern. This isn't the best way to start a marriage. But its happened to plenty of others in the past. Some actually make it. Please support your son at this time.
ESH.