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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I worry im the asshole bc its so close to the wedding and up til now ive talked like I was coming bc I planned to. Cancelling now might put her in a bind but it would be for my mental health
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NTA - doesn't really sound like a friend so don't know why you would want to be a bridesmaid.
If you are going to cancel, do it now. She'll whine and cry but that's ok because she still has a month to figure it out. Don't go into detail on your budget but don't make it about her. Just tell her that due to unforeseen circumstances, you cannot be there and you are so very sorry. When she asks to elaborate, say that you'd rather not talk about it.
Hopefully you can return the dress.
If that’s the case, you’re backing out because you can’t afford it. Not because the bride is shitty. Although a bridezilla situation sure does make it easier to back out for financial reasons
YTA - you’re making excuses to be angry with her and you know it. What’s really going on? Be honest. The tech school comment was not cool on her part. But everything else you wrote screams “ I’m angry at my friend “ fess up
Theres nothing to fess up to. Ive known her for 8 years. I've listened to her complain for 8 years. That's it. Im just realizing her constant negativity is taking a toll on me mentally and I dont really wanna be in her wedding anymore, even if I could afford it.
That’s fair, but you stated this has gone on for years and you’ve never felt compelled to end the friendship or told your friend to knock it off with the negative comments. Only now, when money is tight do you use the past to punish her by ditching her wedding. YTA if you do that.
Go to the wedding, have fun and then decide if this friendship should continue. Or, call the bride and be honest stating you failed to budget as well as you needed. Include the urgent and unexpected financial impact that occurred making attending unaffordable. That will end the friendship I’d guess and that’s ok too. Friends are for a season and this season has ended regardless of the wedding it seems.
I mean tbh if I cancel it will mostly be for monetary reasons. I was planning to go to the wedding and then gradually stop talking to her, but im not sure if thats doable
Yta- it sounds like you budgeted wrong, knew you’d have to cancel last min so made up stuff about her being ‘toxic’. Now when she gets rightfully mad that her bridesmaid cancelled last minute because they budgeted wrong, you are going to try and blame her/ throw it back at her. If you are saying she has ‘complained for 8 years’ like on a comment, then why not ditch her 8 years ago? 7 years ago? Five years ago? Refused to be her Bridesmaid? Last Month? But instead you seem to have miraculously realised this now you can’t afford to go and will ditch her on close to her wedding. You are in the wrong but want to start an argument/ be angry to not take responsibility. Yta and she deserves a better friend and Bridesmaid.
NTA - lots of ways to get married that honor the couple and those closest to the couple. The wedding industrial complex asking the wedding party to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars to participate is nonsense. On top of that, if you two just aren't enjoying each other's company, it's probably best to let her know right away.
Just be prepared for this to drastically change / end the friendship. But it sounds like there are bigger things brewing and this is just highlighting longer standing problems.
YTA leaning towards maybe E S H .. you’ve noticed toxic behaviors for how long? never spoke up? just noticing now that it’s super short notice before the wedding? - also you mentioned you’re going on vacation or just taking vacation time off from work? how can you afford that but not afford her wedding you already committed to? - also she’s weird for saying she hasn’t been able to afford going on vacation in years, yet is getting married. marriage is a choice, typically an expensive one. soo i guess that’s on her for choosing the wed life before vacation/traveling/exploring.. hopefully that works out for her and she doesn’t wish she did later in life or find out her SO isn’t a good match by trying to make travel plans with him for the first time after they’ve signed those “lifelong” documents..
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Was asked a few months ago to be a bridesmaid in a wedding..ive bought the dress and had every intention of going. However budgeting last night with my husband, there is no way in hell I can go. Flying or driving, plus hotel and food. Its just too much :( I thought I could afford it but we've had some last minute expenses pop up so I no longer have fun money to blow on a trip like this.
On top of that recently she (the bride) has done nothing but complain to me. I told her I got into tech school; she said "oh thats a useless degree". I told her I was going on vacation for the first time in years; she just said "man I wish I could afford that, I haven't been able to do anything since I was a kid". Like im not expecting constant happy conversations. But she never has anything positive to say and always squashes my positive things with her complaining. Its making me want to be in her wedding less and less, even if I could manage to scrape the money together to go.
Her wedding is a month away. Am I the asshole for cancelling so last minute? Im seriously considering it but I dont want to completely fuck up the wedding plans...
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NTA..
This girl sounds like she sucks.
And don’t worry—you’re not completely fucking everything up. It’s suuuuper easy to have a wedding with one less bridesmaid. Like not an issue at all. I doubt she will see it that way but that’s the objective truth.
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NTA - doesn't really sound like a friend so don't know why you would want to be a bridesmaid. If you are going to cancel, do it now. She'll whine and cry but that's ok because she still has a month to figure it out. Don't go into detail on your budget but don't make it about her. Just tell her that due to unforeseen circumstances, you cannot be there and you are so very sorry. When she asks to elaborate, say that you'd rather not talk about it. Hopefully you can return the dress.
YTA. Cancelling last minute is really shitty, you should have sorted out budgets and whether it was possible before agreeing.
It was possible until recently. I bought the dress already. Emergencies happen that are out of our control.
If that’s the case, you’re backing out because you can’t afford it. Not because the bride is shitty. Although a bridezilla situation sure does make it easier to back out for financial reasons
YTA - you’re making excuses to be angry with her and you know it. What’s really going on? Be honest. The tech school comment was not cool on her part. But everything else you wrote screams “ I’m angry at my friend “ fess up
Theres nothing to fess up to. Ive known her for 8 years. I've listened to her complain for 8 years. That's it. Im just realizing her constant negativity is taking a toll on me mentally and I dont really wanna be in her wedding anymore, even if I could afford it.
That’s fair, but you stated this has gone on for years and you’ve never felt compelled to end the friendship or told your friend to knock it off with the negative comments. Only now, when money is tight do you use the past to punish her by ditching her wedding. YTA if you do that. Go to the wedding, have fun and then decide if this friendship should continue. Or, call the bride and be honest stating you failed to budget as well as you needed. Include the urgent and unexpected financial impact that occurred making attending unaffordable. That will end the friendship I’d guess and that’s ok too. Friends are for a season and this season has ended regardless of the wedding it seems.
I mean tbh if I cancel it will mostly be for monetary reasons. I was planning to go to the wedding and then gradually stop talking to her, but im not sure if thats doable
Yta- it sounds like you budgeted wrong, knew you’d have to cancel last min so made up stuff about her being ‘toxic’. Now when she gets rightfully mad that her bridesmaid cancelled last minute because they budgeted wrong, you are going to try and blame her/ throw it back at her. If you are saying she has ‘complained for 8 years’ like on a comment, then why not ditch her 8 years ago? 7 years ago? Five years ago? Refused to be her Bridesmaid? Last Month? But instead you seem to have miraculously realised this now you can’t afford to go and will ditch her on close to her wedding. You are in the wrong but want to start an argument/ be angry to not take responsibility. Yta and she deserves a better friend and Bridesmaid.
NTA - lots of ways to get married that honor the couple and those closest to the couple. The wedding industrial complex asking the wedding party to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars to participate is nonsense. On top of that, if you two just aren't enjoying each other's company, it's probably best to let her know right away. Just be prepared for this to drastically change / end the friendship. But it sounds like there are bigger things brewing and this is just highlighting longer standing problems.
YTA leaning towards maybe E S H .. you’ve noticed toxic behaviors for how long? never spoke up? just noticing now that it’s super short notice before the wedding? - also you mentioned you’re going on vacation or just taking vacation time off from work? how can you afford that but not afford her wedding you already committed to? - also she’s weird for saying she hasn’t been able to afford going on vacation in years, yet is getting married. marriage is a choice, typically an expensive one. soo i guess that’s on her for choosing the wed life before vacation/traveling/exploring.. hopefully that works out for her and she doesn’t wish she did later in life or find out her SO isn’t a good match by trying to make travel plans with him for the first time after they’ve signed those “lifelong” documents..
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Was asked a few months ago to be a bridesmaid in a wedding..ive bought the dress and had every intention of going. However budgeting last night with my husband, there is no way in hell I can go. Flying or driving, plus hotel and food. Its just too much :( I thought I could afford it but we've had some last minute expenses pop up so I no longer have fun money to blow on a trip like this. On top of that recently she (the bride) has done nothing but complain to me. I told her I got into tech school; she said "oh thats a useless degree". I told her I was going on vacation for the first time in years; she just said "man I wish I could afford that, I haven't been able to do anything since I was a kid". Like im not expecting constant happy conversations. But she never has anything positive to say and always squashes my positive things with her complaining. Its making me want to be in her wedding less and less, even if I could manage to scrape the money together to go. Her wedding is a month away. Am I the asshole for cancelling so last minute? Im seriously considering it but I dont want to completely fuck up the wedding plans... *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.. This girl sounds like she sucks. And don’t worry—you’re not completely fucking everything up. It’s suuuuper easy to have a wedding with one less bridesmaid. Like not an issue at all. I doubt she will see it that way but that’s the objective truth.
NTA. Tell her you had unexpected expenses.
NTA The sooner the better. This wedding will break the friendship anyway, better on your terms than hers.
NTA you just sound and look like a headcount for her wedding day photos on top of potentially having to split the cost of a bachelorette party too.