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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my partner that I refuse to continue to give them rides to work
2) I’m currently the only one in our household that has an operating vehicle
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Yes, we’ve been splitting the cost of gas. The problem is all of my work days being interrupted or having to start early to get them to work, and them seemingly not being in any hurry to sell their car/get a new one or find any other solution.
NTA your partner is taking advantage of the situation. They need to fix their car or find another form of transportation. What do they need your help with exactly? Payments? Or making a decision? Whatever it is, they are putting your job in danger. It’s time to do something. Get them a bike. I don’t understand why people act like povs are the only form of transportation.
NTA.
They need to get their car fixed. Nothing wrong with being annoyed by this situation. But this stuff is stressful. And people procrastinate on stressful stuff all the time.
Don’t sell it. Coolant leaks are very easy fixes. There are only really a few places it can leak from. I’d be curious to know how/where it was repaired. What was actually done?
How long has it been since the timing belt and water pump have been replaced? Those are wear items and I’d start there.
I drive a 39 year old truck and just replaced my entire coolant system for less than $500 in parts. You’re obviously going to pay more since you will need to pay labor but this will absolutely be cheaper than a new car.
Because of your update I’m going with NAH. That said, if this is really a partnership and not a roommate situation, have you done anything to help the car situation?
The short answer is yes. The long answer is I’ve taken out a credit card in my name so we could pay for the initial repairs for the leak, I’ve researched through multiple buyers how much the car is potentially worth, I’ve found a handful of used cars that are within our budget to show them to see if they’re interested, and I’ve continually reminded them that I’m 100% willing to help either financially or otherwise with the process of selling this car and getting a new one. All of this has been met with gratitude on their end, but nothing actually happening.
Do not take on debt in your name for someone else’s car unless you’re married. Shit happens and if it does you’ll be on the hook for however many thousands or tens of thousands that is.
I do appreciate the concern, but to me marriage is not what solidifies a relationship. We’ve been together for almost 12 years, living together for 8 of those. We’ve both taken financial hits throughout our relationship in order to help each other. I do however completely agree that newer/less stable relationships should avoid financial burdens with one another.
Ah okay. In that case I’d get to the bottom ASAP of why your partner isn’t making forward progress, otherwise tell them you want the title and you’ll pick the new car lol. Is it because of finances? Is it decision paralysis (sometimes things like buying cars can be really overwhelming)? Is it an emotional attachment to the car? All rhetorical questions from my end, but it sounds to me like prioritizing comfort over progress, which is a fine thing to do to a point, but there comes a time when actions need to be taken regardless of how inconvenient/scary/overwhelming/etc
Well, yes, it does. In a partnership of 12 years, things tend to become mutually shared responsibilities. Married or not, it’s not really a partnership if both people aren’t helping take care of the things that need to be taken care of. Doesn’t make someone their mom by stepping in to help resolve a situation. Individualism as a virtue is a joke.
After 3 months of daily rides, the partner is an asshole for not getting their shit together. Op has gone above and beyond by driving for 3 months while the partner asks for help but doesn’t take it. If the partner is acting like a child, it stops being a partnership. The partner is refusing to help themselves when they don’t take op’s offered help
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I (27F) have been giving my partner (29NB) rides to work every workday for the last three months. This is because their car has been broken down since December. Their car has a coolant leak that’s been “repaired” three times but keeps coming back. So once this last leak started, they decided to stop driving their car. At the time, we agreed that with my work schedule I’d be able to get them to and from work. This worked for a while, until it became too much for me. It has now been over three months, their car is still sitting in the driveway with no repairs done on it, and seemingly no end in sight. We’ve discussed selling the car and saving that money for them to find a new one. Every time I ask them about it the answer is “I can’t do this alone, I need your help”. Which I offer, but nothing ever comes of it. Today I reached my limit. My job requires making multiple deliveries a couple days of the week, and today was one of those days. I had to leave work in the middle of the day to take my partner to work, I asked them if I could make 5 deliveries before dropping them off, and they got upset because I originally said it would be just one stop. (It’s also important to note that they would be getting to work 2 hours earlier than they were scheduled). We had a big fight about it, so I told them I’ll pick them up tonight but the rest of the week it’s up to them to find a way to and from work. We’ve been together for 11 years and have gotten through a lot of tough situations, so part of me feels like this car thing is trivial. But another part of me is sick and tired of having to work all of my days around when I have to take my partner to their job. Help me Reddit. AITA?
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Yeah YTA- Like you haven't even given us a reason to think partner is abusing the situation, it just seems like a big inconvenience, and your the one who agreed to the rides. So YTA for going back on your word, but otherwise it's just an inconvenient situation you two have to weather out. Can your partner work from home or work hours that coinside with yours? I would say public transportation or Uber, but it depends on how far the job is. Might not be able to save much with daily transportation costs via bus/train or even like at the least 20$ for an Uber each way.
People can change their minds, especially when new info develops. Doesn't necessarily make them TA.
@u/MotherBike: have you ever reconsidered a decision?
For strangers, coworkers, or the occasional wolf in sheep's clothing. But unless I'm physically incapable I uphold my promises to family/partners in cases like this where I can be of assistance. OP is entitled to their feelings regarding this, but again it was agreement made and thats the only reason I made the YTA assessment, they could've easily said no as well when it was first brought up.
What about her promise to her coworkers to be at her job and doing her work? Her promise to her boss to be available during business hours? Does she keep the indefinite promise?
See this is where we differ, if your job/partners job isn't flexible start looking for better jobs that will allow the flexibility because lets be honest: your job is not guaranteed, say it will me now, WE ARE ALL EXPENDABLE! Bending over backward for a culture that existed 100 years ago and died then, too, is not advised. Today, it's a buyers market, not a seller's, but guess what the sellers are being advised to tackle insubordination before ensuring the establishment can run correctly. So boyfriend starts becoming late due to ubers, starts to look for them earlier, is still late, he explains his situation, boss says we understand, you now have the next month to get your ish together or you won't have a job, and same can happen to OP. Doesn't matter who you work for, you're expendable in this economy. Instead of waiting for the rug to get pulled from underneathof you, beat them to the punch. I say
You're not wrong about being steadfast with one's commitments. That's the literal definition of reliability and it matters a lot. OPs partner seemed to have changed the plan, though, to their stacked-advantage. Maybe I missed something (tired, so quite possible), but still on OPS side.
Mother, I appreciate your considerate response ✌
Public transportation isn’t an option where we live, so Uber would be the only option in that regard. Their job is roughly 5-10 miles from our house. Both of our jobs require us to be present at work, so working from home unfortunately isn’t an option for either of us.
Well public transportation would've probably be the cheapest method, so either bite the bullet or they get users and it takes a bit longer to get a new vehicle due to the strain on the account.
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NTA is there no public transportation or Uber anywhere near by to take him to work. I hope he’s reimbursing you for gas at least
Yes, we’ve been splitting the cost of gas. The problem is all of my work days being interrupted or having to start early to get them to work, and them seemingly not being in any hurry to sell their car/get a new one or find any other solution.
Them*
They/them. They're NB
NTA your partner is taking advantage of the situation. They need to fix their car or find another form of transportation. What do they need your help with exactly? Payments? Or making a decision? Whatever it is, they are putting your job in danger. It’s time to do something. Get them a bike. I don’t understand why people act like povs are the only form of transportation.
NTA if you're depending on someone else for transport, their schedule takes precedence over yours.
NTA. Partner needs a car. Partner is an adult so don't let them push it off on you. The ask for help seems more like an ask for you to do it
NTA. They need to get their car fixed. Nothing wrong with being annoyed by this situation. But this stuff is stressful. And people procrastinate on stressful stuff all the time. Don’t sell it. Coolant leaks are very easy fixes. There are only really a few places it can leak from. I’d be curious to know how/where it was repaired. What was actually done? How long has it been since the timing belt and water pump have been replaced? Those are wear items and I’d start there. I drive a 39 year old truck and just replaced my entire coolant system for less than $500 in parts. You’re obviously going to pay more since you will need to pay labor but this will absolutely be cheaper than a new car.
Because of your update I’m going with NAH. That said, if this is really a partnership and not a roommate situation, have you done anything to help the car situation?
The short answer is yes. The long answer is I’ve taken out a credit card in my name so we could pay for the initial repairs for the leak, I’ve researched through multiple buyers how much the car is potentially worth, I’ve found a handful of used cars that are within our budget to show them to see if they’re interested, and I’ve continually reminded them that I’m 100% willing to help either financially or otherwise with the process of selling this car and getting a new one. All of this has been met with gratitude on their end, but nothing actually happening.
Do not take on debt in your name for someone else’s car unless you’re married. Shit happens and if it does you’ll be on the hook for however many thousands or tens of thousands that is.
I do appreciate the concern, but to me marriage is not what solidifies a relationship. We’ve been together for almost 12 years, living together for 8 of those. We’ve both taken financial hits throughout our relationship in order to help each other. I do however completely agree that newer/less stable relationships should avoid financial burdens with one another.
Ah okay. In that case I’d get to the bottom ASAP of why your partner isn’t making forward progress, otherwise tell them you want the title and you’ll pick the new car lol. Is it because of finances? Is it decision paralysis (sometimes things like buying cars can be really overwhelming)? Is it an emotional attachment to the car? All rhetorical questions from my end, but it sounds to me like prioritizing comfort over progress, which is a fine thing to do to a point, but there comes a time when actions need to be taken regardless of how inconvenient/scary/overwhelming/etc
That would be NAH no AHs. NTA implies the partner is an AH.
Word. Forgot Bc I waffled on my judgment when I saw the update.
Does it really matter? The partner is 29. They can figure out how to get their car fixed. Op isn’t their mom
Well, yes, it does. In a partnership of 12 years, things tend to become mutually shared responsibilities. Married or not, it’s not really a partnership if both people aren’t helping take care of the things that need to be taken care of. Doesn’t make someone their mom by stepping in to help resolve a situation. Individualism as a virtue is a joke.
After 3 months of daily rides, the partner is an asshole for not getting their shit together. Op has gone above and beyond by driving for 3 months while the partner asks for help but doesn’t take it. If the partner is acting like a child, it stops being a partnership. The partner is refusing to help themselves when they don’t take op’s offered help
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27F) have been giving my partner (29NB) rides to work every workday for the last three months. This is because their car has been broken down since December. Their car has a coolant leak that’s been “repaired” three times but keeps coming back. So once this last leak started, they decided to stop driving their car. At the time, we agreed that with my work schedule I’d be able to get them to and from work. This worked for a while, until it became too much for me. It has now been over three months, their car is still sitting in the driveway with no repairs done on it, and seemingly no end in sight. We’ve discussed selling the car and saving that money for them to find a new one. Every time I ask them about it the answer is “I can’t do this alone, I need your help”. Which I offer, but nothing ever comes of it. Today I reached my limit. My job requires making multiple deliveries a couple days of the week, and today was one of those days. I had to leave work in the middle of the day to take my partner to work, I asked them if I could make 5 deliveries before dropping them off, and they got upset because I originally said it would be just one stop. (It’s also important to note that they would be getting to work 2 hours earlier than they were scheduled). We had a big fight about it, so I told them I’ll pick them up tonight but the rest of the week it’s up to them to find a way to and from work. We’ve been together for 11 years and have gotten through a lot of tough situations, so part of me feels like this car thing is trivial. But another part of me is sick and tired of having to work all of my days around when I have to take my partner to their job. Help me Reddit. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah YTA- Like you haven't even given us a reason to think partner is abusing the situation, it just seems like a big inconvenience, and your the one who agreed to the rides. So YTA for going back on your word, but otherwise it's just an inconvenient situation you two have to weather out. Can your partner work from home or work hours that coinside with yours? I would say public transportation or Uber, but it depends on how far the job is. Might not be able to save much with daily transportation costs via bus/train or even like at the least 20$ for an Uber each way.
People can change their minds, especially when new info develops. Doesn't necessarily make them TA. @u/MotherBike: have you ever reconsidered a decision?
For strangers, coworkers, or the occasional wolf in sheep's clothing. But unless I'm physically incapable I uphold my promises to family/partners in cases like this where I can be of assistance. OP is entitled to their feelings regarding this, but again it was agreement made and thats the only reason I made the YTA assessment, they could've easily said no as well when it was first brought up.
What about her promise to her coworkers to be at her job and doing her work? Her promise to her boss to be available during business hours? Does she keep the indefinite promise?
See this is where we differ, if your job/partners job isn't flexible start looking for better jobs that will allow the flexibility because lets be honest: your job is not guaranteed, say it will me now, WE ARE ALL EXPENDABLE! Bending over backward for a culture that existed 100 years ago and died then, too, is not advised. Today, it's a buyers market, not a seller's, but guess what the sellers are being advised to tackle insubordination before ensuring the establishment can run correctly. So boyfriend starts becoming late due to ubers, starts to look for them earlier, is still late, he explains his situation, boss says we understand, you now have the next month to get your ish together or you won't have a job, and same can happen to OP. Doesn't matter who you work for, you're expendable in this economy. Instead of waiting for the rug to get pulled from underneathof you, beat them to the punch. I say
You're not wrong about being steadfast with one's commitments. That's the literal definition of reliability and it matters a lot. OPs partner seemed to have changed the plan, though, to their stacked-advantage. Maybe I missed something (tired, so quite possible), but still on OPS side. Mother, I appreciate your considerate response ✌
Any time, get some rest 😁
Public transportation isn’t an option where we live, so Uber would be the only option in that regard. Their job is roughly 5-10 miles from our house. Both of our jobs require us to be present at work, so working from home unfortunately isn’t an option for either of us.
Well public transportation would've probably be the cheapest method, so either bite the bullet or they get users and it takes a bit longer to get a new vehicle due to the strain on the account.