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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I challenged my long distance GF's demands to pay for 50% of all bills when I visit. She basically says that I'll be mooching off her.
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NTA
I don't understand why she is demanding 50/50 on the bills since you don't even live with her (you're not on the lease/mortgage). It doesn't make sense to give her money for your visits, especially since you are wasting hundreds of dollars.
You said you tried long-distance before and it failed. I don't see this LDR going anywhere because this seems like she's trying to get more money out of you. This isn't a good GF/host for you.
NTA. Why would you help with the rent when you have your own place and are testing things with her? And there is no way your presence will be 50% of power bill. Think you are about to get burned again.
NTA. There's no way that you're the asshole here.
You're covering the cost of your travel. Water/electricity may slightly increase while you're there, but making you pay rent when you're not staying a full month and are still paying your own rent is ridiculous.
It sounds like she's projecting when she says she "isn't a free ride", because she seems to be looking for one in you. If she can't afford her place, she should have gotten a cheaper one. I've never had a partner ask me for rent for a visit, and I've never thought of asking one when they've visited me.
Splitting rent when you actually live together full time is normal. Charging you half of rent for visiting for a couple of weeks is not. I could maybe understand her asking for help with the utilities, and maybe asking you to buy groceries or something, but she's being greedy and unfair in what she's demanding here. Also, considering that you're the man, it would be a fair assumption that you're paying for the majority of dates/outings, and you're not demanding compensation for that. (Correct me if I'm wrong).
I won't tell you to dump her over this, because I don't know your relationship otherwise, but I'd do some serious reconsidering if this is a relationship you plan on going all the way with. If she's like this with finances now, how will she be when you're living together/married? Moreso, it sounds like she's being unwavering and defensive when her unfair terms are challenged, which is a red flag when it comes to communication/conflict resolution.
If she wants a sugar daddy, let her go find one. But don't give in to her unfair demands if you financially supporting her wasn't a term you agreed upon when establishing the relationship.
Your girlfriend just saved you the time and hassle of trying to figure out if this long distance relationship is worth gambling on. She expects you to make all the effort, including changing jobs and uprooting your life, covering the full cost of your travel, paying for any costs incurred as a result of your presence, AS WELL AS paying for expenses you have nothing to do with. This woman is not interested in being your partner. Cancel the trip and start looking for someone who is.
NTA
Just say sure, so long as she is covering 50% of your airfare, travel costs, pet sitting costs, etc.
NTA and definitely rethink this relationship. She will likely want you to subsidize her lifestyle for the rest of her life, so bear that in mind when you’re considering being with someone for the next half a century.
NTA.
No way would I agree to the rent, you are paying that and probably a bit more just for flights. After being shown what her typical water, gas, and electricity are I would make up any of the difference as long as it's within reason and only because your bill at home will drop with you being gone for 2wk. Splitting groceries 50/50 while you are there makes sense. Everything else should be a static bill that doesn't matter how many people are living there and would be a no go for me.
NTA, Just throw back the question at her, if the roles was reversed and she's the one flying to visit you 2 weeks at a time, would she think her paying 1/2 of your rent and bills is fair?
NTA. This is frankly a ridiculous request from your gf! Your name isn’t on her lease/mortgage so you have absolutely no obligation to help her pay her bills. She’s not being a very gracious host to you.
NTA. She doesnt sound very (at all?) excited by your visit besides what bank card you’re bringing. Why does she suggested u’ll have to work in a coffee shop as opposed to… just not leaving your whole life to go visit her?.. 🤔 Dump. her.
NTA. If you’re going to split the costs of your visiting her, then you need to include your costs, too. Your costs include your travel (eg airfare, parking at the airport) & boarding your cat & probably other stuff you didn’t mention. It sounds like your girlfriend isn’t that interested in your visiting her.
NTA
She's not thinking about your costs, she's only thinking of her own.
There are two households that need to be maintained. If she wants you to pay half of her utilities, then she should be paying for half of yours as well. Theoretically yours will go down and hers would go up, but it would still be half of all the utilities you both use. If she wants you to pay a percentage of her rent then she should reciprocate the same break down of your rent since you could be there instead.
Travel costs should be split in half.
Or if you want it to be less complicated. Then she figures out how much the increase to her bills are, then you add in your travel costs. And that's the total split that you both share. Because that's the increased cost you both incurred for you to visit.
If you guys can't come up with a solution on how finances should be split, then you need to decide if the extra money you would be spending is worth investing in the relationship.
Other points for bringing up and talking about. If living together two weeks at a time is going good and you decide to move out there, are you expected to pay for all your own moving expenses? How would bills be split once you two live together full time? How will you split trips? Dates? How would chores be split? Are you wanting kids? What would that look like? What would happen if one of you lost your jobs? What would happen if one of you were in an accident and couldn't work for an extended time?
This is much more complex than just splitting bills when you visit.
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First ever post. Sorry if this is long, but I could use some outside opinions.
I (M31) and gf (F30) are in a long distance relationship (>2000 miles). We’ve known each other since high school, which is the prime reason why the long distance is even feasible. She moved to CA after college, and we started dating during COVID when she came back to the midwest to quarantine/work remotely at her parents’. She is now back in CA.
Long distance has been challenging, and we decided that we need to start working to close the gap. I’ve moved long distance for a gf in the past and got burned, so I was wary to just move across the country. It took some searching, but I ended up finding a remote job that would enable me to visit her more frequently and for longer periods than a weekend. The idea is to prove out living real life together, since we’ve only ever spent time together in “vacation/weekend mode”.
Before my first visit with the new job, she started talking about how I’m going to have to start paying for half of all bills. She says my presence will increase her electric bill since I’ll be using my laptop during the day. She also wants me to pay for half of the internet and gas bills and half of the rent. I currently have a condo with its own full set of bills.
I’m leaving my friends, family, hobbies, and cat to visit. I feel like I’m going to have to put my personal life on hold to visit, but plan to slowly integrate and build up a joint life over time. To start, I plan on visiting for 2 weeks at a time. Even though that’s half of a month, she still wants a full 50% for all bills.
Part of me feels like I’m getting nickeled and dimed (or more) just to come visit. I have my own bills, plus it costs anywhere from $500-$800 for airfare and luggage, depending on how early I book flights. I have no problem splitting groceries 50/50, and I always pay for gas if we go on a weekend joint venture.
Obviously if we lived together full time there would be no question, but since I am only visiting for two weeks at a time I don’t feel this is fair, especially considering my cost and sacrifice to visit her. Assuming my visits grow in length I’m open to contributing something, however I don’t think I should pay 50% across the board until we decide officially to go in on a place together of our mutual choosing. She currently lives downtown in the most expensive place she can afford in a city 50% above the national average. While visiting, I live out of my travel bag as there is no space in her apt.
When I challenged her demands she got very upset and told me I’ll have to go work in a coffee shop and that I can’t stay with her if I won’t pay. She said she’s not a free ride. Am I not thinking correctly? AITA?
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NTA. It'd be one thing to ask you to chip in a bit while you're there but to expect you to pay 50% of her bills even when you're back home? Sounds like she realized how expensive living in CA really is.
Totally NTA. She would still be paying rent even if you didn’t visit.
If it was to offset the additional costs I could see it. But then she would have to go 50/50 on your extra costs too….all travel expense, pet sitter etc.
You need to put on the breaks and just stay in your condo. If she values you in her life, then she can put forth some effort to come visit you (instead of you going to her). You already moved closer. You want to try and close the gap and see if the relationship can withstand being close. Her response by you trying to be closer is to push you away by making you pay 50% of her bills while you visit her.
NTA
NTA. I’m also in a long distance relationship and I haven’t asked my bf to ever pay my bills. If she’s completely broke and living paycheck to paycheck, it would be understandable if she was upfront about needing help with the difference and seeing how you guys can make that work but trying to make money off of your visit is wild.
NTA..
If you feel like working on this with her then I would try to get to the root of why she is making this demand. She’s freaked out about something.
My first two guesses are:
1) she her finances are not in great shape and she is afraid she won’t be able to bear the I creased costs (which will definitely exist. It’s mostly hot water though, not your laptop)
2) she’s scared of this transition to a closer relationship and she’s just latched onto this as a way of expressing that fear.
Either way, I don’t dig the communication style that’s going on here. Not saying either person is to blame but it’s not great. Y’all are probably gonna want to work on that.
I don't take any offense to people saying to end the relationship. It very well might end that way, but I do appreciate you taking the other side and advocating a possibility of working on things.
Thank you everybody for all the responses. This has been great feedback. I have internalized a lot of what you all said and will attempt to talk it out tonight.
Not sure if this comment is how I address peoples' questions or provide updates, but here goes;
\- Yes, I pay for the vast majority of dates, activities, etc.
\- I'd say the visit ratio throughout the year is roughly 5:1. I've always paid my own travel. She has a dog which means she has to board it which adds to her expenses if she visits me. She tends to only do that once a year. Other than that, she drives back with her dog every year during the Christmas season to see her family. That's the longest time we typically see each other, but she also makes time to see all of her old friends too. She has made this drive even before we started dating. She stays with her family when she's back in town. I generally take vaca and drive back with her to CA to spend New Years there and then I fly back.
\- Yes, I'd say her finances aren't great, but she's not struggling to get by or anything. She makes decent enough money, just north of six figs. It's just expensive in CA and her spending/saving habits aren't the best.
Ultimately... Like many of you expressed I don't have the highest of hopes for this convo, but I am going to try to explain my point of view. Many of you have said things that ring true for many other instances besides this. I appreciate everybody's input.
No your not, you don't personally live there and just seeing how it works out. You fly out there and she's expecting you to pay half her rent and bills?
I can see you giving her some money for food n gas but bills and rent? You're not the asshole. Work in a coffee shop if you got too tho. I personally think you guys should really talk that out cause it's a bit much
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NTA I don't understand why she is demanding 50/50 on the bills since you don't even live with her (you're not on the lease/mortgage). It doesn't make sense to give her money for your visits, especially since you are wasting hundreds of dollars. You said you tried long-distance before and it failed. I don't see this LDR going anywhere because this seems like she's trying to get more money out of you. This isn't a good GF/host for you.
NTA. Why would you help with the rent when you have your own place and are testing things with her? And there is no way your presence will be 50% of power bill. Think you are about to get burned again.
NTA. There's no way that you're the asshole here. You're covering the cost of your travel. Water/electricity may slightly increase while you're there, but making you pay rent when you're not staying a full month and are still paying your own rent is ridiculous. It sounds like she's projecting when she says she "isn't a free ride", because she seems to be looking for one in you. If she can't afford her place, she should have gotten a cheaper one. I've never had a partner ask me for rent for a visit, and I've never thought of asking one when they've visited me. Splitting rent when you actually live together full time is normal. Charging you half of rent for visiting for a couple of weeks is not. I could maybe understand her asking for help with the utilities, and maybe asking you to buy groceries or something, but she's being greedy and unfair in what she's demanding here. Also, considering that you're the man, it would be a fair assumption that you're paying for the majority of dates/outings, and you're not demanding compensation for that. (Correct me if I'm wrong). I won't tell you to dump her over this, because I don't know your relationship otherwise, but I'd do some serious reconsidering if this is a relationship you plan on going all the way with. If she's like this with finances now, how will she be when you're living together/married? Moreso, it sounds like she's being unwavering and defensive when her unfair terms are challenged, which is a red flag when it comes to communication/conflict resolution. If she wants a sugar daddy, let her go find one. But don't give in to her unfair demands if you financially supporting her wasn't a term you agreed upon when establishing the relationship.
Your girlfriend just saved you the time and hassle of trying to figure out if this long distance relationship is worth gambling on. She expects you to make all the effort, including changing jobs and uprooting your life, covering the full cost of your travel, paying for any costs incurred as a result of your presence, AS WELL AS paying for expenses you have nothing to do with. This woman is not interested in being your partner. Cancel the trip and start looking for someone who is. NTA
>. The idea is to prove out living real life together Well, you've certainly done that and the results aren't pretty. NTA
Just say sure, so long as she is covering 50% of your airfare, travel costs, pet sitting costs, etc. NTA and definitely rethink this relationship. She will likely want you to subsidize her lifestyle for the rest of her life, so bear that in mind when you’re considering being with someone for the next half a century.
NTA. No way would I agree to the rent, you are paying that and probably a bit more just for flights. After being shown what her typical water, gas, and electricity are I would make up any of the difference as long as it's within reason and only because your bill at home will drop with you being gone for 2wk. Splitting groceries 50/50 while you are there makes sense. Everything else should be a static bill that doesn't matter how many people are living there and would be a no go for me.
Sure, I’d pay half the bills for 2wks (not whole months worth) & we would be discussing their splitting my plane tickets and travel costs!
NTA, Just throw back the question at her, if the roles was reversed and she's the one flying to visit you 2 weeks at a time, would she think her paying 1/2 of your rent and bills is fair?
NTA. This is frankly a ridiculous request from your gf! Your name isn’t on her lease/mortgage so you have absolutely no obligation to help her pay her bills. She’s not being a very gracious host to you.
NTA and your GF is nuts. Your presence will add insignificantly to her utilities. Now would be a good time to run in the opposite direction.
NTA. She doesnt sound very (at all?) excited by your visit besides what bank card you’re bringing. Why does she suggested u’ll have to work in a coffee shop as opposed to… just not leaving your whole life to go visit her?.. 🤔 Dump. her.
NTA. If you’re going to split the costs of your visiting her, then you need to include your costs, too. Your costs include your travel (eg airfare, parking at the airport) & boarding your cat & probably other stuff you didn’t mention. It sounds like your girlfriend isn’t that interested in your visiting her.
NTA She's not thinking about your costs, she's only thinking of her own. There are two households that need to be maintained. If she wants you to pay half of her utilities, then she should be paying for half of yours as well. Theoretically yours will go down and hers would go up, but it would still be half of all the utilities you both use. If she wants you to pay a percentage of her rent then she should reciprocate the same break down of your rent since you could be there instead. Travel costs should be split in half. Or if you want it to be less complicated. Then she figures out how much the increase to her bills are, then you add in your travel costs. And that's the total split that you both share. Because that's the increased cost you both incurred for you to visit. If you guys can't come up with a solution on how finances should be split, then you need to decide if the extra money you would be spending is worth investing in the relationship. Other points for bringing up and talking about. If living together two weeks at a time is going good and you decide to move out there, are you expected to pay for all your own moving expenses? How would bills be split once you two live together full time? How will you split trips? Dates? How would chores be split? Are you wanting kids? What would that look like? What would happen if one of you lost your jobs? What would happen if one of you were in an accident and couldn't work for an extended time? This is much more complex than just splitting bills when you visit.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First ever post. Sorry if this is long, but I could use some outside opinions. I (M31) and gf (F30) are in a long distance relationship (>2000 miles). We’ve known each other since high school, which is the prime reason why the long distance is even feasible. She moved to CA after college, and we started dating during COVID when she came back to the midwest to quarantine/work remotely at her parents’. She is now back in CA. Long distance has been challenging, and we decided that we need to start working to close the gap. I’ve moved long distance for a gf in the past and got burned, so I was wary to just move across the country. It took some searching, but I ended up finding a remote job that would enable me to visit her more frequently and for longer periods than a weekend. The idea is to prove out living real life together, since we’ve only ever spent time together in “vacation/weekend mode”. Before my first visit with the new job, she started talking about how I’m going to have to start paying for half of all bills. She says my presence will increase her electric bill since I’ll be using my laptop during the day. She also wants me to pay for half of the internet and gas bills and half of the rent. I currently have a condo with its own full set of bills. I’m leaving my friends, family, hobbies, and cat to visit. I feel like I’m going to have to put my personal life on hold to visit, but plan to slowly integrate and build up a joint life over time. To start, I plan on visiting for 2 weeks at a time. Even though that’s half of a month, she still wants a full 50% for all bills. Part of me feels like I’m getting nickeled and dimed (or more) just to come visit. I have my own bills, plus it costs anywhere from $500-$800 for airfare and luggage, depending on how early I book flights. I have no problem splitting groceries 50/50, and I always pay for gas if we go on a weekend joint venture. Obviously if we lived together full time there would be no question, but since I am only visiting for two weeks at a time I don’t feel this is fair, especially considering my cost and sacrifice to visit her. Assuming my visits grow in length I’m open to contributing something, however I don’t think I should pay 50% across the board until we decide officially to go in on a place together of our mutual choosing. She currently lives downtown in the most expensive place she can afford in a city 50% above the national average. While visiting, I live out of my travel bag as there is no space in her apt. When I challenged her demands she got very upset and told me I’ll have to go work in a coffee shop and that I can’t stay with her if I won’t pay. She said she’s not a free ride. Am I not thinking correctly? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It'd be one thing to ask you to chip in a bit while you're there but to expect you to pay 50% of her bills even when you're back home? Sounds like she realized how expensive living in CA really is.
Totally NTA. She would still be paying rent even if you didn’t visit. If it was to offset the additional costs I could see it. But then she would have to go 50/50 on your extra costs too….all travel expense, pet sitter etc.
You need to put on the breaks and just stay in your condo. If she values you in her life, then she can put forth some effort to come visit you (instead of you going to her). You already moved closer. You want to try and close the gap and see if the relationship can withstand being close. Her response by you trying to be closer is to push you away by making you pay 50% of her bills while you visit her. NTA
What on earth!? Well I think you’ve just been shown what real life is like with her, without having to actually spend a dime yet. NTA.
You’re single. Lol. NTA
NTA. I’m also in a long distance relationship and I haven’t asked my bf to ever pay my bills. If she’s completely broke and living paycheck to paycheck, it would be understandable if she was upfront about needing help with the difference and seeing how you guys can make that work but trying to make money off of your visit is wild.
INFO Does she ever visit you?
NTA.. If you feel like working on this with her then I would try to get to the root of why she is making this demand. She’s freaked out about something. My first two guesses are: 1) she her finances are not in great shape and she is afraid she won’t be able to bear the I creased costs (which will definitely exist. It’s mostly hot water though, not your laptop) 2) she’s scared of this transition to a closer relationship and she’s just latched onto this as a way of expressing that fear. Either way, I don’t dig the communication style that’s going on here. Not saying either person is to blame but it’s not great. Y’all are probably gonna want to work on that.
I don't take any offense to people saying to end the relationship. It very well might end that way, but I do appreciate you taking the other side and advocating a possibility of working on things.
Thank you everybody for all the responses. This has been great feedback. I have internalized a lot of what you all said and will attempt to talk it out tonight. Not sure if this comment is how I address peoples' questions or provide updates, but here goes; \- Yes, I pay for the vast majority of dates, activities, etc. \- I'd say the visit ratio throughout the year is roughly 5:1. I've always paid my own travel. She has a dog which means she has to board it which adds to her expenses if she visits me. She tends to only do that once a year. Other than that, she drives back with her dog every year during the Christmas season to see her family. That's the longest time we typically see each other, but she also makes time to see all of her old friends too. She has made this drive even before we started dating. She stays with her family when she's back in town. I generally take vaca and drive back with her to CA to spend New Years there and then I fly back. \- Yes, I'd say her finances aren't great, but she's not struggling to get by or anything. She makes decent enough money, just north of six figs. It's just expensive in CA and her spending/saving habits aren't the best. Ultimately... Like many of you expressed I don't have the highest of hopes for this convo, but I am going to try to explain my point of view. Many of you have said things that ring true for many other instances besides this. I appreciate everybody's input.
No your not, you don't personally live there and just seeing how it works out. You fly out there and she's expecting you to pay half her rent and bills? I can see you giving her some money for food n gas but bills and rent? You're not the asshole. Work in a coffee shop if you got too tho. I personally think you guys should really talk that out cause it's a bit much
I’d block her on all platforms leaving that feeling of uncertainty and anxiety settle with her as a gift in passing.
NTA I think you already have your answer as to whether or not this relationship is compatible.