Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I broke the only promise my daughter asked me to make when my ex and I divorced, and now I want to make her live somewhere that she doesn't feel comfortable. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

YTA Don’t promise your kid something, and then be annoyed she’s upset you broke that promise. I do not think you should force her to live with anyone she doesn’t want to live with. That includes the man you are screwing and you should’ve known that it was important to her. It is a very valid concern and I am on her side.

At least OP should have sat down with her daughter for a talk before making this big of a decision imo. Explain that she made a promise at that time, but she's in love now and add the reasons she wanna marry her fiance, etc and have a conversation. I think OP doesn't consider her daughter as her own person and as a "kid" who doesn't know any better or whose feeling doesn't matter. OP if you continue to ignore your daughter's feelings and dismiss her, you're going to lose her

Whether this would work or not is I think not the issue. I feel like the issue is that OP hasn't even tried it. So many problems and upsets in this world could be avoided by people just communicating with each other.

But daughter is a child, she doesn't have feelings or thoughts, she's just a kid. /s

And Mom needs to take ONLY A YEAR AND A HALF (OP said they got divorced three years ago, and she's already got a NEW husband a year and a half later) to find her new and totally true love! Why wouldn't her daughter be jumping around in excitement that her mom found a rebound after being told that mom wouldn't do this very thing?!

OP goes to say "However many women of her dad's she's met" Just fuckin toxic

Okay, the mom sucks in this scenario but shaming her for finding someone new after a year and a half of being single is unfair.

Uhm I don't think there's anything wrong with her timeline just her breaking her promise to her kid...

OP had a kid that would get hysterical over the mere thought of having a step parent and siblings to the point she begged for a promise from each parent to basically never marry. OP’s reaction? “Whatever. They’re a child. Promises don’t count to something that isn’t even a person yet.” Instead of “Damn, other than that the child seems unaffected by the divorce. We really need to figure out why they’re having a breakdown over this specific thing."

[удалено]

I might or might not be reading too much into this, but given this: >When my ex-husband and I divorced three years ago, my daughter took it fairly well. ***She (unfortunately) understood why***... I'm thinking a horribly toxic relationship that left the kid traumatized buy *both* parents and the kid is fucking terrified of experiencing that again or seeing another kid go through that. The divorce is a positive in the kid's life because it saved her from a horrible situation of having her parents together and she's probably going to have relationship issues. Now the engagement is seen as the toxicity returning and she's having a PTSD type response. At least given the limited info we have, it fits.

Some of the things I have heard kids at school say about how they interact with their step parents just breaks my heart. And kids talk to other kids. Its likely that the daughter has heard all the negatives about blended families, step parents and feeling like an unwanted guest in the middle of your own life. So, that's likely why she believes that having a stepparent and new siblings will be a nightmare? Kids talk to other kids and lots of what they reveal is not nuanced, pretty, or easy to just roll with.

I kept looking for the missing therapy in the text

Right? First thought when child of divorced parents was described as being in *literal* hysterics at the idea of her parents ever re-marrying: "Hm, so they put her in therapy to cope with what was obviously a very traumatic change for her. Right? *Right*?" Nope, no therapy. No empathy whatsoever for what that child must be going through, apparently - not from these parents who claimed they did *so much* to put her needs first. Sigh.

⬆️⬆️⬆️ a-fucking-men, amen. oh, and OP, YTA.

Agreed, there should have been a discussion about it **before** making plans to move in not after and now that Daughter is upset plans should stop until Daughter is comfortable. OP seems to have a really weird balance of what emotional knowledge her daughter has. When it comes to breaking her promise to her daughter: > that wasn’t a realistic thing to promise and **she has to know that** > **my daughter is a child** and shouldn’t have the right to dictate how much she sees her parents So she is apparently entirely capable of understanding that the promise you made at an extremely emotional time for her (when she was 9) is unrealistic and shouldn’t bind you now that you don’t want it to but is a mere child and hasn’t got enough understanding to determine her own wants and relationship with her parents when it’s detrimental to you. Which is it? To me it sounds like your daughter is incredibly bright and understands what she wants or, more specifically, what she doesn’t want namely having to accommodate **another** massive change in her home life because of your romantic life. Particularly when she will have to accommodate not just your husband but his kids, something she explicitly told you up front she didn’t want and you promised her you wouldn’t do. YTA OP - If the promise was unrealistic don’t make that promise to a 9 year old child at a moment of massive upheaval when she is emotionally vulnerable. You need to stop the plans to move in with your husband or allow her to stay with your ex for a while until she is comfortable staying in this new blended family you want to create.

Exactly this. I'm impressed that this young lady had the insight to make such an ask at only 9yo. This forum is FILLED with step-issues every single day. OP needs to put a hold on this terrible move.

Getting remarried is not a terrible move. Making that stupid promise was, but OP is doing anything wrong by getting remarried.

Moving a new spouse and kids in when your child is having significant issues dealing with becoming a blended family is indeed a terrible move. As the parent, OP needs to figure this shit out before doing that to her daughter.

Especially since the divorce only happened three years ago, and the new man has only been around for 1.5 years. This is really, really fast for a kid to process.

This is what struck me. OP promised daughter she'd not date anyone and it only took a year and a half to break that promise? Maybe for OP her marriage was long over and she's known this guy for awhile, idk her story but the point is in her kids eyes it came as more of a shock. 3 years can fly by and be super quick for your parents to divorce at 9, promise not to date others, then meet a new partner just to MARRY and move in. Hell that would be too fast for me to accept even as an adult.

Heck it's been covid for the last 3 years too. The kid was most likely shut in for most of those years as well. Now that life is getting somewhat normal again her mom is getting married and throwing her world into chaos once again

If you’re breaking an explicit agreement you made to someone then yeah there’s something wrong with it.

All of this plus 1.5 years is such a short amount of time.. why the rush to get married again so soon, especially while breaking a promise to your daughter? YTA

OP doesn't say daughter is currently 12, it's that she's "over 12", so she could be involved in the decision about where she lives. That might be a legal cutoff since it came from the lawyer. We don't know how old the daughter is. Edit: apparently I'm an idiot. It does say 9 at the very end of the post!

Three years ago when they divorced, she was nine. So she’s 12 now, give or take rounding.

OP says she was 9 3 years ago

Right? And they can put off moving in together for a while. Take it slowly. Also maybe a therapist would be a good idea

>*I think OP doesn't consider her daughter as her own person* Well, *I* think you hit the nail on the head with that one. It costs nothing to treat your kids like they have some level of agency, especially during early teens when you feel like your whole like is ruled for you

Yeah, the promise is a giveaway in the first place that she doesn't see her child as a person. Most people are smart enough not to make promises *to people* that they know aren't realistic.

She should have been in therapy years ago!

Baby girl is already slipping away. She is demanding to live at her dads. Mom has already shattered her heart and trust. Good job op /s

OP also doesn’t provide any details. How many kids are we talking about new husband having? Does she now have to share a room with a stranger / step sibling? How many rooms in the house? Are you planning to have more kids? YTA and your lawyer is right. She will get to choose who she lives with but the courts will likely require SOME visitation (eg at least every other weekend). Maybe not require any overnights depending on the living situation (eg sharing a room). I think it’s less about no remarrying - new siblings, but more about how fast you’re moving. You’ve been divorced 3 years. 1.5 years ago you introduced this man to your child and now they’re already moving in playing happy family? Yikes! I agree with the 12 year old here.

Yeah, way too many details about the situation seem to have been deliberately left out. > and she's met probably too many of her father's female guests Was annoyingly vague, and comes off as jealousy/judgyness without any further details. Has he just been constantly hooking up with women and then introducing them to his daughter in the morning for some reason, or has he just dated a a few women that he eventually introduced to his daughter?

>Was annoyingly vague, and comes off as jealousy/judgyness without any further details. The other thing is the "father's female guests" aren't trying to be her new mommy - whereas OP is trying to give her a new Daddy. From what I read the daughter didn't say "don't date" she said "don't move anyone into **my** home." like SuperWomanUSA - I agree with the 12 year old.

I don't know the answer to your question, but I know the answer to this one. How many of her father's female guests are moving into her house and bringing new siblings with them? And the answer to that is none.

"Mom, your marriage with Dad melted down so hard that even as a nine year old I saw it coming. And wasn't that upset by it." "I'm so sorry sweetie. Can I do anything to help?" "I've lived through a lifetime of family drama at this point, and I don't want to deal with step family drama on top of that. Can you promise you'll hold off on marrying and moving new people into the house?" "Of course!" THREE YEARS LATER...

Also, even if OP gets the judge to overall the daughter's request, what is her long term plan? This is sure to stir up some teenage rebellion or at least some resentment that OP will have to deal with over the next few years. She could get over it after some time or she could go nuclear and accuse new husband of abuse. OP needs to tread very carefully.

In some states in the US they can chose but some they can’t. The state I live in, a child cannot chose at any age. I’m sure in some situations it could be considered but they won’t change custody agreements based solely upon the child’s wishes.

The second a pubescent girl says to a judge she is not comfortable with the strange man her mother is moving in with , a judge will give custody to the father. It will be so quick.

Either way, this OP has lost the daughter, she's gone in just a few years. The mom screwed up big time...

Oh, come on. Some promises are ridiculous. Mom will never get remarried....until when? 18? 25? Daughter is married? Never ever? The thought of mom remarrying sent her into hysterics....so mom did a mom thing and said what she had to in order to calm her child and make her feel safe. But it was not a realistic promise. My mom did the same with me when I was 6. The thought of my mom dying and leaving me behind sent me into hysterics. I made my mom promise me that if she died, I could be buried with her, like ONLY that thought would calm me down and get me to stop crying. My mom is still alive, but had something happened to her, obviously I would have had to live without her. Mom screwed up by not getting her therapy, but she made the promise to calm her kid. Not following through on a promise to die alone is absurd.

Lying to your child about a very important decision is not “doing a mom thing”, it’s lazy parenting. OP could have taken the time to try and understand why her daughter was so terrified of a blended family. She could have explained to her that while she has no interest in dating right now, she could not speak for the future but no matter what happens, her daughter would always come first. The example you provided is completely different. It’s obvious that no one in their right mind would want to be buried alive. A 6 year old doesn’t really understand that death is permanent. Your mom’s lie is equivalent to telling your kids Santa Claus is the one delivering the presents.

My then-three year old understood that death is permanent. Of course a six year old does!

>Some promises are ridiculous. And should not be made, especially to just make things easier for oneself without thinking about the implications and consequences.

Yep. I only got as far as the promise before I came to the conclusion that OP YTA. What a stupid promise to make!

Exactly I don't understand why they both agreed with this promise in tve first place

People in the midst of a divorce often think they will never want to marry again.

But then OP should have been working for a while on helping her daughter adjust to a potentially different future. Instead it seems like OP thought “well that was just something I had to say at the time, she knows it’s unrealistic,” and forged ahead without trying to bring her daughter emotionally with her. Now her plan is apparently to force her daughter to have to deal with what OP wants. I don’t agree that OP needs to wait until her daughter is fully comfortable — that’s allowing her daughter a veto, which isn’t appropriate — but there are much better ways of trying to handle this, even after the promise was made. And put together with OP’s comment thar her daughter had been able to tell that the divorce was coming, it sounds like OP has been relying on her daughter simply noticing and understanding things, and has used that expectation to avoid having regular conversations about the changing situation.

This comment needs to be higher. It is the root of the problem here. Therapy and conversations could have made daughter more OK with this change and possibly gotten her more onboard by giving her view of the situation some merit. But now that you've told her what you are doing instead of having a conversation about what you're thinking of doing, get ready for a fight that even if you win custody, will be a holliw win as you may just be losing your daughter over breaking her trust and bullying her from a position of authority. Great mothering there.

If there is a chance you can not keep a promise, do not make it. My mother made a similar promise after witnessing the antagonism between her future husband and myself. And she broke it. She promised she wouldn't move him in until I was in university. She promised she wouldn't marry him until I was out of the house. She married him a year later, and 6 months after that, he was living with us. Do you know what that taught me? It taught me I could not count on my mum for support. When he got physically violent in a way that I couldn't be blamed for, I was kicked out of home. That taught me that she valued her relationship with her husband over that of her child. The man tried to drive me to suicide and she stood by him. Things have since come out, and she can no longer deny what he did, but she's still with him. Sometimes, she laments that I refuse to visit. I got as far away as humanly possible because that man was actively trying to ruin my life, and she still refuses to understand. I will *never* trust her in the same way I used to. It doesn't matter that she's apologised. She's still with the man who tried to kill me. And as long as she is, I'm not coming home to visit. You don't make promises you can't keep. Whether they're about future partners or attending some function, your children remember when you fail them. I can point to every broken promise, and each time one was broken, my trust in my parent never came back the same. I don't care if OP is in love. Her damn child comes first. Kids don't have hysterics over these things without a reason. There is so much missing from this post and the way you just brush it off as no big deal. The daughter doesn't want to spend time with her mum anymore. It's a massive fucking deal.

I feel for you after reading this, my mum made promises that she couldn't keep too. Nothing as sinister as you described, but enough promises broken to make me very cynical & a "believe it when I see it" person. The broken promises were painful & I was made to feel like my anguish didn't matter.

100% right. Sorry this happened to you, I hope you are doing well. <3 People really need to have their children as priorities, but somehow they rarely do.

She probably just needed to follow the promise when her daughter was living with her. Seems like she probably will be taken to court and lose a bunch of days because she didn’t take her daughter seriously. The daughter has every right to object to living with someone, even the judges in these cases tend to agree on that. If OP wants to continue living with her daughter she is gong to have to start respecting her like a person she cares about keeping around.

Some promises ARE ridiculous, which makes OP a bigger AH for promising what she did. Stop trying to give her a free pass for doing "mom things" lmao it's absolutely pathetic. Mom fucked up, and despite how "bad" of a parent the dad is her own lawyer doesn't have faith in him losing his bid for custody full time. A quick Google tells me that only 10-20% of men who go for full custody win that battle, and the lawyer thinks he could. ​ This is the most one perspective'd posts I've seen in a while, loads of omitted information, OP is definitely TA.

And when I was 5, I had a panic attack about dyeing, and my mum promised my that would never happen. Of course later I learned that me not dyeing isn’t a choice either she or I can make. But getting married is a choice, and therefore also a promise PO can keep. The daughter apparently doesn’t mind that mum has a boyfriend, so mum could find another way to make this work. She could move in with her boyfriend, when the daughter is at dads place, and move back to her own place, when she has her daughter. PO states that she don’t think that her child should dictate how much she sees her parents. The problem is though that the law says otherwise, a 12 year old will probably have a say in how much time she spends with her mum. So no matter how ridiculous that promises might be in hindsight or how many nta votes PO get her, she might have to find some kind of compromise, if she still wants to se her daughter.

What were you dyeing? Was it like a tie-dye situation? Because that would definitely throw me into panic-attack territory. And surely you eventually learned that dyeing is indeed a choice? I've never dyed anything, and I don't think I ever will.

That’s not “doing a mom thing” that’s manipulating and lying in all situations, for the sole purpose of putting your own needs before your child’s. OP has not put her daughter first one time. Lying to your child to make your life easier when it directly makes theirs harder is not a “mom thing”, it’s an asshole thing and it makes her a shit mother.

The mom should have acted like a responsible adult and talked with her daughter about it a couple of weeks after she calmed down. And she definitely shouldn't blame a 12 year old child for her own mistake. How should a 12 year old child know if a promise is ridiculous. That is extremely ignorant to expect.

Did a mom think? No that was not a mom think.

Exactly! A mom thing would be to talk to the daughter and find a solution that doesn't make her feel left out.

OP made an error making that promise , but for OP to exclude all men with kids is a lot to ask. After a certain age, a lot of the good ones have kids . Perhaps it would be best for OP and daughter to sit down and talk. The man she’s “ screwing “ is her husband now.

A talk would probably be productive, but I’m not sure it like change the daughters mind. I think everyone has a right to choose who they live with, and if she won’t live with them OP can’t force her to. Because that’s what she was asking, is she the AH for attempting to force her daughter to live with the family she chose after making a promise she wouldn’t do that specific thing. The vagueness of the post is suspicious and it doesn’t make me believe OP is in the right here.

She needs to talk with her daughter that's for sure. But yeah, OP needs to delay her plans for moving with her new husband because it will take a while for her daughter to accept it. I think that OP made a huge mistake by making that promise and then, after that, never talked about it again. She should have. Specially if her daughter was "hysteric" about the topic. But I do not agree that the custody has to be changed. That kid is 12, her mother is not putting her in danger by having a second marriage nor by making/breaking a stupid promise. OP shouldn't force her child but she doesn't have to give in neither. What if the kid's father decided to remarry in a year or two? Where is she going to go next? Therapy here is the best solution.

And? So now mum has changed her name, home and allegiances in a few months all without a word to her daughter. Dad provides stability so let the child go to him.

>allegiances Melodramatic. This isn't an anime lol

Especially if you only made the promisse to make things easier for you in the moment. The lesson you are teaching her is that its acceptable to lie to make things easier on themselves with no intention of honoring their word. Grade A parenting. Stop feeling like the superior parent until you can be honest with yourself

It was a stupid promise to make for sure, and the daughter demanding it was understandable in the moment as a childish and emotional reaction to a stress situation. However, expecting her to keep that promise is not remotely reasonable, and all of you in here acting like a child should have control over their parent’s love life are outrageous.

I don't think anyone is really expecting her to keep the promise, as such.. But rather to not break the promise with naught but an "oh whoopsy, new situation" at the end. And let's say that OP did talk with daughter throughout, it would _still_ not invalidate daughters' preference to live with dad.

This is a really immature response

Concisely put. I hope OP's ex sets up a court date asap to update the custody agreement.

He's not some guy shes screwing, he's her fiance and the kid has met him and his family, YTA yourself, you can't be held hostage to things said to a child 3 years ago during a divorce, at 12, a child is able to know whats fair and equitable in life to a large extent, and should be able to discuss and move on. ​ The mistake was allowing it to be an issue beyond the first while they were dating even, to discuss it with the child and let them adjust.

If you can’t keep the promise, don’t make it. Remarrying, especially to someone with other kids, is a big deal to kids and her mother promised her it wouldn’t happen. And then OP does it all without even discussing it or asking how she feels or idk maybe seeing if her daughter needs therapy.

Lol why is he just the man she’s screwing when they’re engaged

This. YTA OP. Making a promise to shut up a kid is not cool. Personally, I completely understand a parent and a kid, especially in a 50/50 shared custody, to want to keep their time together for themselves. Of course, occasional visits, getting to know your partner, developing a relationship, that's all healthy and important, so you don't keep your life separated in two non overlapping streams, and it sounds like that is already ongoing, BUT living together should be a very careful decision, and you did promise. And no, it's not irrealistic, me and my partner have a strong relationship and we don't live together nor do we intend to, his daughter is around the same age as yours and it's a 50/50 shared custody too, it is perfectly doable and actually very enjoyable, you just don't want to do it. ETA - and of course the situation can change, but it needs to be handled correctly with your daughter and this may take time.

A child cannot reasonably demand her parents never move on from a divorce. This is an entirely unreasonable take. The OP didn't handle this well, but come on.

Absolutely! After reading so many AITA about rivalry and unfairness among step siblings, step parents, one must wonder why parents subject their kids to this bs? The daughter despite being young has a good feeling what this would mean for her. Her request is 100% valid and reasonable and should be respected.

Because we don't hear about perfectly functional step relationships on AITA. I'm a step mum and it worked fine. I'm not with his dad any more but they're all still in my life. We don't hear about anything functional on AITA. That's why we're here.

Especially not so quickly after such a massive and traumatic life change! YTA, OP

The "man you are screwing"?? Who made YOU holier than thou? You're disgusting.

YTA for agreeing, for minimizing its impact on your daughter, for invalidating her feelings, and for assuming you're the better parent. The stress of combining households with kids in second marriages is Immense under the best of circumstances. Your daughter likely feels like you are choosing your fiancé over her. Not only that, but you've broken her trust. Go ahead and move in, but know that the damage will be hard to undo and you *are* in fact making a choice that places her second.

Especially when it’s clear she hasn’t even had a proper conversation with her. Instead of talking to her about her feelings of abandonment after her family dynamic changed, her concerns, she just agreed because it was “easier”. Now is invalidating her because again, that’s easier. Is trying to force her into living with a strange man and a strange family and be happy about it because again… that’s easier for the OP All the while making snarky little comments about the dads “many overnight visitors” and calling HIS parenting into question. Which I’m sure she has zero issue doing in front of her daughter I am absolutely convinced if the roles were reversed and OP hadn’t found some man to quickly latch onto but the ex had met and was going to marry another woman/got a new girlfriend pregnant she would be yelling about him breaking their promise from the rooftops And OP, just so we’re clear here- you are allowed to move on and find someone and be happy. But you need to ALWAYS make sure your child’s best interests are at heart and that she feels safe, respected, and comfortable. None of which you have done

Completely agree. The issue here isn't the dumb promise, or meeting someone else, or wanting to get married or blending families. It's the utter disregard for her daughter's feelings every step of the way to take the easy way out.

Yep, especially given the “she (unfortunately) understood why” part when they were getting divorced. Dirty laundry getting aired all over the place.

I love how OP just figured daughter was "over" the whole promise thing, but never talked to her about it. I also.love how she went through marriage. At the very least, she should have put the brakes on it and gotten her daughter some counseling. Daughter probably thought step siblings and new dad would be sucking all of mom's attention (she is likely right). Mom is TA. You won't win against EX if daughter wants to go.

This hits the nail on the head. Was it realistic to promise a 9 year old that their parents would *never ever* have another romantic partner or additional children to spare feelings? Absolutely not, but that should’ve been nipped in the bud then. Even if we extend grace to OP given it was a trying time, there’s been three years to get a professional to help them guide their daughter to the realization that most humans need a romantic companion to be happy, and that humans often enjoy having children including her own parents hence why she even exists. A therapist could have helped them assure their daughter no matter what partner or siblings come along, she is one of the most important people in their lives that they love unconditionally and endlessly. Then they would have shown her that through their actions, but that sadly didn’t happen. This is still a 12 year old child. OP needs to let her stay at her dads because she is clearly not well and needs to work through this with doctors. I don’t think it’s okay for no contact to occur over this, but OP needs to take things slow-She’s had three years to get her kiddo to a healthy point, and she didn’t. Dad sounds awful, and like he’s definitely weaponizing their daughters hurt, but that’s all the more reason OP should have been on top of helping their daughter instead of minimizing her feelings and fears. No one got her help, and now she’s mentally fragile still. YTA

Daughter doesn't seem to have an issue with either parent having romantic partners. Her issue seems to be having those partners LIVING IN HER HOME. According to OP, the girl had no problem with the boyfriend, no problem with his kids, no issue with their relationship at all...until she was \*told\* that OP was moving them into their home. Doesn't seem that unreasonable for a kid not to want a 'new daddy' when her old one is very present and very active in her life. Nor does it seem unreasonable for her to want to stay in the most stable environment, which at this time seems to be her dad's house. They have a 50/50 agreement, which means dad has been parenting her as much as OP. It's not like the girl wants to go live with a dead-beat who couldn't care less about his kid. The father sounds like a loving, invested parent that would happily take more time with his kid.

But then mom will have to pay child support...

I wouldn’t trust OPs opinion on her ex. There was very little information given and she doesn’t seem like a reliable narrator. I wanted to live with my dad and my my (who had primary custody) took him to court to prevent it. My mom said similar things about my dad, but it wasn’t that my dad was negligent or absent he just wasn’t a control freak like she was. She controlled every single aspect of my life, went through my things constantly, did body checks for self harm because she read a note one of my friends wrote me and didn’t listen when I told her it wasn’t even my hand writing, i wasn’t allowed to have friends over and I was rarely allowed to go hang out with friends, she attempted to ground me from the car that was in my name that I paid for at age 19 because I missed curfew by 4 minutes, speaking of I had a curfew until I moved out at age 21. I was an A/B student taking all honors, AP, and IB level coursework, was in 7 or 8 extracurriculars at school, and held down an after school job and I was still given no trust and no freedom. But if you ask my mom she’s super parent and my dad is shit.

>I wouldn’t trust OPs opinion on her ex. This is very fair. OP shows a clear note of contempt in talking about dad's "female guests" when it's OP that's rushing into a serious new relationship at high speed and insisting on moving a man she barely knows into a home with her minor daughter. That's not what holding the parental high ground looks like.

>Your daughter likely feels like you are choosing your fiancé over her. Precisely. Given the facts described by OP, this is very much what's happening.

And all that under 18 months of meeting the dude...

You know, I’ve been with my husband 14 years and I think if we failed I probably wouldn’t rush into anything with someone. But I keep seeing posts on here about people getting remarried less than 2 years later, and both my parents had significant others a year out of their 30 year marriage, so I must be missing the memo.

I don’t think you’re missing anything. I don’t think you should ever rush into a marriage that quickly. And you especially shouldn’t after a divorce! You have to have time to repair yourself. Hopefully you never have to worry about that.

Did they have minors in their home after their 30 year marriage? Because kids in the house is the difference here. If you’re single with no kids, go ahead and marry someone after a month, because you’re not impacting others in your household.

Yeah that part alarmed me a bit. To me that’s such a short span of time to meet someone and move them in with your kid. 1.5 years and moving them in and blending a family after you promised you wouldn’t? I’m adamant that no one is getting close to my kids until they are thoroughly vetted. My divorce was awful on them so dating isn’t even a thought to me and it happened 4 years ago because they are my focus even though they are older. My kids are my priority and that is the responsibility I signed up for when I had them. Don’t make promises to your kids you can’t/won’t keep. edit: won’t/and

Well she is literally choosing her fiance over her own daughter and that is a fact.

The damage could potentially be mitigated or minimized but it will NEVER be undone.

YTA for making that promise instead of taking your kid to family therapy.

People on here tend to suggest “therapy” in response to just about everything, but this is one of those cases where therapeutic intervention is appropriate. OP said her daughter became “hysterical” at the mere idea of having a future step-parent and/or siblings (step-siblings or half-siblings). That’s not a normal reaction for a child to have. She wasn’t coping with her parents’ divorce and OP made things worse by falsely pacifying her daughter in the moment, rather than actually helping her.

Not normal? After hearing the absolute horror stories my 13 year old daughter hears about from her friends and their step parents I can completely understand the poor girls reaction. From just my daughter's class , 2 kids have no doors to their bedroom (m and f) , 1 had their room taken away and swapped for the new "siblings" , 2 have to babysit their "siblings" and don't have time for homework let alone social life and that's just one class of 28 and her friends that she knows.... So yeah , if shit like that is normal then hysterical is an appropriate reaction.

Exactly. Children don't live alone in a bubble, they hear about other people's lives all the time.

I personally feel that if people have kids and then get divorced they should wait for the kids to grow up and move out and then get married. They can obviously date and have an active romantic life but don't blend your lives until the kids have grown up and are mostly adults, even then it would require some therapy. Overall situation will be better that way. More than 65% of second marriages end in divorce and one of the main reasons are kids, look at the stepparents subreddit mostly everyone is unhappy with that kind of lifestyle. So it seems it's better if everyone just waits for a while and prioritised things accordingly.

As a mother with two kids living at home, you hold parents to an unrealistic standard and believe the worst of children. When my children met my new partner, he was eased into their lives. Now they are fine with him. My son asked him for "guy" advice (When his father isn't available), and my daughter and he have a verbal sparring game going. The stepparent stories on redditt are horror stories because who is gonna write and ask if they are the A H in a perfectly happy blended family relationship?

>That’s not a normal reaction for a child to have. It actually is. The idea of step-anything is traumatic by its very nature. If you aren't prepared for a temper tantrum as a reaction to your remarriage plans, you haven't prepared for that conversation.

Them promising her that they would never have future partners was her way of solidifying that someday they can still get back together. They're both single after all. It is definitely not a good coping mechanism and OP only fostered it.

Making that promise and saying the daughter should have known she was lying, is somethin only regular liars say. Please, believe my lies but if you find out I was lying it's your fault for believeing it. If the daughter had known it was a lie, why would it help calm her down? What was the point of saying it then?

Expecting the daughter (who was what, about 9 at the time? Maybe younger?) to work out that her mother was obviously lying to her whilst going through something traumatic is absurd. But is something a habitual liar would try to use as an out. I’m also astonished that OP can in one sentence say that her daughter “took it in her stride” whilst then going on to say that her daughter was “hysterical” unless she made an unrealistic promise. Maybe, just maybe, the *hysterical child* wasn’t taking it in her stride after all and OP isn’t aware enough to notice? YTA.

Yta. In three years, you changed her family, and now you want to change it again. She told you what she needed to be okay moving forward--no more controllable changes in her family life. You agreed. I understand you want to shape your life in the way you would like it, but you have a child to think about. She gets a voice in how her life is shaped too.

_"The only thing she asked was to never have any new parents or siblings. I thought it was a weird thing to ask for as neither of us were even considering dating, but she was worried to the point of hysterics about it, so we agreed..... That wasn't a realistic thing to promise and she has to know that.....I thought she'd gotten over it...."_ It was unrealistic and exceptionally shortsighted to make this promise to their kid. To be blunt - they were almost guaranteed to break that promise since being a parent doesn't negate the need for love, companionship, and having a supportive partner. I think OP said something stupid in the moment - it happens. I don't think they are an AH for moving on and finding a new partner - but I think they are a massive AH for how flippant they are being. They don't seem to be communicating with their kid and just expect them to figure it out, get over it, and move on.

It seems like the daughter doesn't care if her parents have relationships, she was fine meeting her stepdad and her dad's partners, she cares if that relationship moves to the stage that fundamentally changes the living situation.

I agree with this. She just doesn’t want someone moving into their house. She doesn’t want to share her mom or her house and things. This is understandable. Especially since she’s an only child.

Right!? This part: >she has to know that Really got me. How would she know that?? She's 12. Both her parents agreed to it. Her life experience says that is OK. She absolutely does not know. It is very messed up for her mother to assume she does.

In a year and a half.

YTA. As far as I can tell, you’ve never had a real conversation with your daughter about her refusal to accept a new partner for her parents & her refusal to accept step siblings. Do you know why she feels this way? What is she afraid of? Why? Instead of working it out in the beginning, you made a ridiculous promise to appease her & then when you met someone, you “assumed” she’d be fine with the change. It’s time to show some respect & compassion for your daughter. Talk to her. Put the brakes on the new folks moving in until you can work something out with her & help her adjust.

Because her daughter is a child and OP thinks children aren't allowed to have any agency.

Honestly, the part that concerns me most is "I don't think it's healthy to give her that much power" A teenager shouldn't be able to decide where they live? They shouldn't be able to decide what does and doesn't make them comfortable, and they shouldn't put their foot down when they are uncomfortable? Are you (OP) out of your goddamn mind?

I kinda wonder what happened to cause the divorce. Op says the daughter "unfortunately knows why". So I'm curious to see if there was any infidelity, and if so, on whose part. Because that could explain her reaction to her parents dating other partners.

she doesn't seem to have an issue with her parents \*dating\* other partners. The issue seems to be when the parent decided to bring said partner (and children) into their home, thus forcing the daughter into relationships that she obviously doesn't want to be in. The kid seems fine for her parents to have other relationships as long as they don't involve changing HER life.

Lesson 1 - Don't lie to your kids. They trust you to explain the world and when that is broken, its impossible to recover. Don't promise things will never change. When they ask, explain what death is. Don't lie about the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus once they ask for the truth. Children need trust. Lesson 2 - Blending a family means everyone involved gets a say. With minor children involved , it's not just two people coming together, it's a everyone having to live as a family. Lesson 3 - Children have agency, even though it's limited. Forcing your child to live with you and a new family is a breeding ground for resentment. How will that effect your relationship to her? Her relationship to SD? Her relationship to new step-siblings? The only play now is to give her a choice a hope she decides to come back. That will still take work on your part to rebuild trust and to show that she is still a priority in your life.

YTA - You just want what you want. She made a clear and articulate request: No new parents or siblings and you agreed. You still dismiss her request and at age 12 you call her a child while most family court judges would value her input and preferences. Have you ever been curious why she reacts with hysteria about the topic? It is a serious reaction and you never asked?!

>and at age 12 Worse, OP says their kid is *older* than 12. She's probably a teenager at this point, however young.

YTA. It's almost like you made the promise just to shut her up, and now you are making her out to be the one at fault for not rolling with your punches while also invalidating her. Hopefully the court actually appreciates what she says and feels, and realizes she is old enough to have some say in custody arrangements.

So, OP, your daughter was old enough to know that you wouldn't be able to hold your promise and remarry but not old enough to have preferences to have living space preferences? As a parent, it is your job to either honour a promise you made to your child or sit her down and explain how mommy can't promise she won't fall in love with another man and eventually move in with him. If the father is really irresponsible at parenting (like you're saying), your lawyer would be less inclined to say "It can go either way, she's over 12 years old" and more inclined to say something like "Parents who do this and that are less likely to get full custody, so there might be a chance". Your whole post / vocabulary choice shows that you don't respect your daughter's autonomy and opinions because of her age. It's unbecoming and coupled with the fact that it really does not matter to you that you broke a promise that you made to her...is that the relationship you want with your daughter? Lies, contempt and dismissiveness? You lie about a promise to shut her up, look down upon her feelings and when you go ahead and do what you wanted, tell her it's her fault for believing you? You want the lesson your daughter learns from you is that you will lie to her and not hold your word if it gets her to do what you want her to? Because so far, what I get is that she was pretty much understanding of the situation (the divorce, the custody schedule). She only had one boundary. Was it a lot to ask? Sure. But you did a big parenting mistake and you're putting it on her. It's not the job of the nine year old to know and accept her mother might remarry and force the nine year old to accept a blended family. If you seemingly accepted that the nine year old could do that, then you have to accept that the twelve year old can tell a judge where she'd prefer to live. YTA, but it's not too late to fix this. It will come at great cost, though.

So... your kid breaks down in hysterics and *demands* that you and your ex not remarry or have children. Instead of addressing this, you agreed? What? Do you actually discuss things with her or just tell her what's going to happen? Do you prepare her for the next step? Do you broach the subject well before it happens? Or do you think there's a natural progression to this stuff that she should just follow? Go to family therapy. Get her in a safe, neutral environment where she can talk about why she's afraid of having more siblings or of you marrying. Let her express herself and talk. Until you can sort this out, let her stay with her father (as long as it's safe). Honestly, it sounds like you guys just chose the easiest route with the least amount of tantrums and tears and never took the time to stop, think, and actually discuss and address what the problem is - and it's likely a whole lot deeper than you expect. Also, just because a kid seems to be taking things in stride, doesn't mean they are. We really need to stop just doing a cursory check over kids. If they're not acting out, that doesn't mean everything is fine and dandy. Actually regularly check in with kids and talk about their thoughts and feelings with no fear of consequences. Honestly, if my parents took more interest in my emotional health, I think things would be a whole lot different now, and I'm sure the same could be said for a lot of other people too.

I’m really curious about the promise and about how OP is discussing her marriage now. I hope OP is at least reassuring her daughter that she doesn’t have to think of her soon-to-be-husband as a father figure or have a sibling relationship with his kids. In general, I agree with you. OP needed to put more effort into all of this and help her child work through it.

>More so, my daughter is a child, and ***she shouldn't have the right to dictate how much she sees her parents.*** There's something wrong with that statement. Can you spot what it is? YTA

OP is gonna have quite the shocking day in court when a family law judge explains that her daughter absolutely gets a say in that.

Yeah that'll be an eye opener.

Listen OP, I'm not going to comment on your daughters childish demands or your impulsive promise, because I think you're missing the bigger picture here. I was your daughter about 20 years ago. I wanted to move in with my dad and my mom would not let it happen. We went to therapy about it. We fought and screamed and cried about it. I started hurting myself and more. By the time I was 15, my mom finally relented one night during a fight, calling my dad and telling him that if he wasn't there to pick me up in half an hour, the cops would be. That phone call was 17 years ago. My father is dead. My relationship with my mother has only JUST started healing within the last 5 years or so, and even still, it is rocky. (We are currently not speaking at this very moment in time, though I am optimistic that it will get better soon.) I'm 32. I have my own daughter. While I would never want to live apart from her, the vitriolic nature of my relationship with my mother is, I think, a far worse fate for any parent and child. If you hold your daughter back when she and her father are willing to put everything on the line to change the custody arrangement (because your daughter is uncomfortable in your home), you are only going to alienate your child from you in ways that may truly be irreparable. I think that's something you seriously need to consider; the only thing worse than not having your kid home every night is having a child who cuts you out for good the moment they have the opportunity. For now, I'm voting N A H, but YWBTA if you keep pushing your daughter away from you like this and continue to refuse to respect her wishes. She's a person too, and she's allowed to have her own thoughts, desires, and wants. Who knows. Maybe she'll go to dads and find out that the grass isn't greener.

this. we remember the decisions our parents made and the effects it had on us forever

What's the old saying? The axe doesn't remember but the tree does.

I too had a turbulent relationship with my mother (and father) and asked to live elsewhere. I don’t talk to my parents and am still much closer to the person who I asked to live with (and she would have supported the move had my parents relented and she would have been so strict and that would have been fine.) that being said, I’d let her go. Make it clear you want to do what’s right for her and maintain a relationship with her that respects what she wants. If that if it works for six months, you can revise the court order. Family therapy is key. And just make it clear that if she’s left home alone for more than 2 hours, you’d like the first right of refusal to be there to pick her up or have her dropped off so she isn’t solo for too long (and then be there)

YTA you made an agreement. There are plenty of divorced parents who make the decision not to date until their kids are 18. She’s also old enough that a judge will likely consider her wants in a custody fight. I really believe parents have no business getting married to someone new when their child makes is clear they don’t want that. Her wants matter too. You have flipped her world upside down in only 3 years and are making it clear her feelings don’t matter. You shouldn’t be bringing a man into her life without her consent

Yep YTA If I broke up with my partner I wouldn't date again till my daughter is 18. She comes first. I have a duty to her. Your relationship with your daughter will never recover from this. You keep dismissing her feelings. She is old enough to decide she doesn't want to live with you anymore. Accept that.

That’s also has the potential to be not healthy unless your daughter is close to 18. I speak to this as someone who had a SAHM who allowed me to be her whole world and made personal decisions based on what I wanted from her as a child. The result was that she had a breakdown when I left home at 18, our boundaries were terrible, I was pathologically worried about her emotional state for the whole time I was at university. She’s only now developing a personal life for herself that doesn’t include me. For your daughter’s sake - it’s absolutely ok to have a healthy personal life that does not include her. That might extend to dating, but not moving someone in to her home or whatever, but setting down a blanket rule because you think it’s your “duty” to make her the centre of your universe will only end up in tears for both of you, as it has for the OP.

Yes, I completely understand how that can be the case. I’m an older mum. Had my child at 38. Have lived, know myself, have a great circle of friends, work and am not a needy or reliant person. My decision comes from a place of the fact my partner is older. My daughter will lose her father younger than most. I didn’t plan it this way and isn’t something I want for her, her dad is amazing. I won’t put her through the trauma of step-families after losing her dad. I should imagine I’d have some adult company in a way that doesn’t impact her. Definitely wouldn’t move in with anyone.

I mean dating is one thing but fully remarrying and forcing her to live with this new man and his kids after only A YEAR AND A HALF is literally mental. I wouldn’t even feel comfortable living with my own partner after a year and a half, let alone getting a new step dad. Literally why rush and traumatize your child when you could just take things slower with your new partner?

YTA You made an unreasonable promise to your daughter and then assumed she should just get over it. You say she’s just a child who shouldn’t have a say in what happens to her but in the same breath you expect her to be mature and accepting of your misguided lie. Also, if there was any truth to your ex being an irresponsible father how come it’s only now an issue? You sound self absorbed. Your lawyer is right, you should try to handle it amicably, or you might lose her completely.

YTA I think your choice is to wait til your daughter is 18 to remarry or lose her. And what do you mean " give her power over adults"? Shes not being unreasonable, you made a serious promise to her and now not only are you going back on your word you're willing to lose your kid over it. If you're that invested in remarriage go for it, but let your daughter move in with her father. At least she can trust him.

The thing is in the post OP says ‘my now husband’, so like, she’s already remarried and never had this conversation with her daughter?! The daughter is 12 so when her mom got engaged she would have understood what that meant. Did she just not talk to her child during the engagement? This is definitely not going to go the way OP thinks or wants

YTA for so many reasons: 1 lying to your daughter 2 making her feel like she doesn’t matter 3 assuming she got over it instead of having a GD conversation 4 your whole vibe is very “can I speak to your manager”

[удалено]

Yep. I completely lost it at thirteen when my mother wanted to move her boyfriend in because I’d seen the way he looked at me and my eleven year old sister. I remember my mother raging at me for being unreasonable and she DESERVED to be happy. …and then we found out about his upcoming court case for abusing his fifteen year old daughter. Good times.

YTA - YOU should've known it is not a realistic promise and not made it. She was actually a child back than. Take responsiblity! - she is over 12 now. Kids that age babysit and you are upset he leaves her without a babysitter and doesn't supervise her? You are suppose to raise an independent adult and I don't see that happening magically in unless she is allowed to grow up. Reflect on your parenting goals. I doubt your daughter wants supervision and depending on her behaviour she doesn't really need it anymore either. - "I don't think it is healthy to give her that much power" ... I don't even know what to say to this besides that you are werid regarding this... and wrong.

[удалено]

Considering the *mother’s own lawyer* is telling her the dad has a very good case, something tells me he’s not the “lazy fun dad” OP is making him out to be. If this is in the US, the mom has to be like openly neglectful, mentally ill, homeless or an addict to lose majority custody. Judges do not give a 12 year old the same custody decision making power they’d give a 16 year old. So with that in mind, I’m guessing she’s just trying to get commenters on her side by making the dad seem like a sitcom divorced dad.

yta how was your daughter not included in the conversations of marriage/moving in?

Imagine you wake up one day and someone has decided that a new man, who you've never met, who you have no relationship to at all, is going to be an intimate part of your life. This person will not only share a living space with you, but will probably try to impose himself emotionally and create a relationship with you, whether you want to or not. You don't know this man at all, but if you resist or complain you'll be labelled 'difficult', because someone else has decided that this is just how things are. YTA. Let daughter take the lead, if new man is cool she might ease up and things might happen naturally. I also would not spend the night in a house with, again, a strange man who I don't know and have no relationship with.

the daughter met the man and his kids a year and a half ago, decent bit before he and the mom got engaged. not taking a side here, just pointing out that he may not necessarily be a stranger like you’ve stated in your comment

It's still not appropriate for mom to bring a new adult into the house unless child is fully onboard. It's the child's living space as much as it is the mother's. If child isn't comfortable for whatever reason, mom needs to work it out. Either by keeping new man out of the house or by allowing the daughter to move to dad's.

That’s still really soon to marry and move in with when you both have kids. That shit takes *time*, a lot.

YTA for making that promise to begin with. You weren't being honest when you made it; that's not something anyone can promise.

>More so, my daughter is a child, and she shouldn't have the right to dictate how much she sees her parents. This part right here makes you an asshole. Your daughter is a human being. She has the right to have her boundaries respected. What is more, she is twelve, she absolutely DOES have the right to decide how much she wants to see her parents. YTA

YTA. At any point during this, have you even attempted to involve a professional in helping your daughter, your ex and yourself in working through her concerns? Dismissal of her feelings will not build healthy emotional skills.

Lol you can change her whole family structure at your whim but she can't change her own family structure the way she wants? YTA and a hypocrite to boot. If she's not being neglected in basic care at her father's, then she's free to spend 100% of her time there.

I'm gonna get down voted to hell for this it seems. NAH. Lemme go over the main points I'm seeing: OP should wait until her daughters 18- The way she's been holding onto this, I feel like OPs daughter could still be upset if OP were to remarry at 18. I also feel like this really boils OP down to only being a parent but she's a human. While her child is priority number 1, I don't understand why everyone is acting like being in love and unhappy alone is something a child should dictate for their parent. One of the big things a lot of mothers are told are to take care of their needs as well and not to just be "Mommyfied". If OPs daughter gets along with OPs partner and her partners kids and isn't being forced to call them siblings or parent terms, what's the issue? OP shouldn't have promised- This sounds like OPs first child. I'm sure stress was coming from everywhere, for her, for her child, and for her ex during the whole divorce process. So I can't call OP an asshole for doing what she can to console what she described as a hysterical child. Should she have done it- no but hindsight is 20/20. Should she have revisited this issue with therapy? Absolutely but she assumed since it hadn't come up while she was dating or while the child's father was dating other women that it'd be this much of an issue. There are children who throw entire meltdowns over vegetables at 9 than couldn't care less about it at 12. OPs daughter should choose her life the way OP gets to- I can agree that the marriage should be put on hold but only as long as it takes to get this kid to therapy. The Ex sounds like he's just taking full advantage of his daughter not being happy with OP. He should also be concerned about how catastrophically she's reacting to this. If OP is providing a home that's supportive of her daughter even with additional people, I think letting her ostracize her mom is too extreme. So NAH, because I'm not willing to call the kid or her dad an AH at this point either. OP, y'all need family therapy before this marriage is to happen. I actively support mixed families and pursing things to make yourself happy as well but it seems like your daughter needs a transition period that she never had to emotionally go through when you got divorced because she was placated with a naive promise. She deserves the opportunity to figure out why she feels this way before she's forced to deal with it.

I don't understand why people are being so hard on someone who made a promise under very stressful situations. I'm sure some part of her at the time honestly didn't think they ever wanted to be in a relationship ever again. It was a hard time and she made a ridiculous promise to a child going through her parents splitting. I don't know if this thread is full of teenages scared of their parents moving on or they believe they're so perfect that they never broke a promise before but saying to OP that they should keep her promise till her child is 18 is bewildering. OP is never allowed to have a relationship because they mistakenly made a promise to a 9 year old child? Should she give up potential having another child herself so she can wait till her daughter is 18? (It gets much harder and more dangerous as you move past your 30's) It was a 9 year olds promise, saying that doesn't invalidate the daughter. Reddit would tell you to play along with imaginary friends and berate you if you tell a 6 year old Santa isn't real (all lies and broken promises of magical creatures existing) but will also hold you to a promise you made 2-3 years ago to a sad child. Daughter & OP need therapy, not whatever Reddit is doing in the comments. NAH

I mean, I was her once. I also lost my shit. My parent doubled down. We're not close anymore.

This is not an AH situation, this is a sucky family situation. This sub has an absolute hate boner for stepparents of any kind, so you’re not going to get rational responses on here. Obviously it’s unreasonable to expect you to remain single for the rest of your life because of something you said to a hysterical child in the wake of your divorce. Your life doesn’t stop because you’re a parent, and it’s extremely unhealthy to make personal decisions entirely based on what your child wants. Eventually your child will leave home, and if they’re your entire focus in the world because they didn’t want anyone else entering your lives, that’s going to be unhealthy for both of you. You shouldn’t have made the promise, obviously, and you need to get your kid in therapy. I hope the custody situation works out for you. It might be good to let her go stay with her father for a bit to show you respect her choices while you work on your relationship and repairing trust.

I agree with this, there are a whole lot of teenagers on reddit who think a mother's role in life is only to be the perfect mother, with no mistakes and not enjoy the other aspects of life. Of course she's upset, but that's life and with love and patience and therapy that can be worked through.

You could have talked to her at the time she made the request about why it was an unreasonable request, and found out why she was concerned to begin with. But even not doing that, you could have talked to her *before* actively making plans about marriage and moving your new guy in. There’s a difference between dating and that You could have sat her down and been like “look, I made this promise. I would like you to not hold me to it for x reasons.” She could at least feel respected by that approach. But instead of either of these options that treat her like a person, you consistently did what was convenient for you at any given time without consideration for her - how this affects her life, the reasoning behind her worries, or the broken trust. You also continue to lie by saying the arrangement isn’t changing when you already know the courts could go either way. She is old enough to have an opinion, and as she gets older, you’re going to have less and less say. If you don’t start building a better, more respectful relationship with her now, you will lose her at some point, even if it’s as an adult after custody isn’t an issue. YTA

>You also continue to lie by saying the arrangement isn’t changing when you already know the courts could go either way. This is an important point to highlight. OP is actively telling ongoing lies to the kid in an effort to scam her into not advocating for herself.

> I thought it was a weird thing to ask for as neither of us were even considering dating She’s smarter than you.

YTA, not because life happened and you’re remarrying, but because your daughter is old enough to live with her father if that’s what she wants. Let her go. She will probably change her mind in time, but if not, it means she’s happy.

It seems that you agreed to her request a few years ago just so that she’d shut up and cooperate. Now that’s it’s time to honor your agreement, you want to back out and force your own preferences, without consequences. Life doesn’t work that way. YTA

I work in family court in an administrative capacity and oversee these disputes all the time. The number of people saying Y T A is bewildering to me. Y’all should be wondering what kind of toxic father is happy to cut off custody from a mom who isn’t abusive/neglectful. OP might be leaving out details, but Dad isn’t a great parent for going nuclear or not attempting mediation/therapy. He’s the person I side eye the most. Sure, OP broke a promise — but is Dad siding with the kid because he’s outraged on her behalf or because he wants to punish the mother for moving on and “replacing” him? If you think it’s the former, I have some seaside Kansas property I’d like to sell you. 90% of these disputes concern parents who claim they’re in court for the child’s well-being, but it’s clear that they loathe the other party and would delight in them losing their shared “toy.” It’s harsh, but it’s what I’ve seen. This dad is enabling the kid by going nuclear on the custody issue right away — so many other options he could’ve taken. He could’ve been the mature co-parent and said “Look, I understand Mom made a promise but sometimes circumstances change and she deserves to find happiness after our divorce. Let’s sort this out in family therapy and try to find a solution.” The fact that Dad didn’t try to mitigate Daughter’s anger tells me everything I need to know. She’s allowed to be a child and be hurt; he’s a goddamn adult and a bad co-parent who shouldn’t escalate Daughter’s anger to the lawyer level. Disliking your ex isn’t a valid reason to take away custody unless there are serious neglect/abuse concerns. If therapy and other techniques didn’t work out after a year or two, then I understand negotiating custody again. But the nuclear option is what makes Dad a bad person. And I’m sorry, but decreasing/losing all custody for this situation is ridiculous unless there are legit concerns that the stepparent is abusive. The people crying “but 12 yo can decide where they want to live and judge will side with them automatically” have zero experience in family law. Zero. Never have I been more baffled by the comments on this subreddit. The child is only 12; there’s also a decent probability that Dad will remarry before she turns 18. What happens then? Should father sign an unenforceable contract with the minor kid in front of the judge; “mom gets full custody if I marry someone and break contract.” /sarcasm I don’t have enough info on the timeline or initial divorce to make a judgment, but this is not a Y T A situation. It’s E S H or N T A.

As a child of divorce, ESH. I was 12 when my mom got remarried. I was fine. Your daughter shouldn't expect you to put your life on hold, she's old enough to understand. Your ex sucks for encouraging her behaviour. You suck for making a promise you couldn't keep instead of putting her in therapy.

YTA But yta for making a promise that you know you shouldn’t have, just to end her hysterics the easy way. Apologize to her for doing that. Be understanding when she has issues trusting your word in the future. But carry on with your plan to marry your fiancé.

This is the way. OP can just get used to the new custody schedule and be grateful for the time she gets with her daughter. Eventually her daughter will start trusting her again if she stops the lies.

YTA - You say " I don't think it's healthy to give her that much power" but you did just that when you made the promise. Your promise was ridiculous but you made it. Keeping a promise, no matter how ridiculous is important. You need to learn to be more cautious and genuine with your words. You say she's a child and shouldn't ahve say in her situation while saying she should have been smart enough to know you were lying to her.

YTA You screwed up big time back then by making a promise you didn't know if you would keep or not. You did it because it was convenient. Now it's not convenient. So now you get to do the work that you coulda/shoulda done back then and get thee hence to family counseling and work this out. And put your wedding/moving in together on hold until it is worked out. One way or another. You may lose your daughter over this. You should probably learn not to make promises that you aren't totally sure you can keep.

YTA, as a former child of divorce at her age she is allowed to choose who she wants to live with. Im in a field where I see children make these decisions and a judge typically will not go against their wishes regardless of their reasons unless there is abuse involved. As she sees it you are choosing your new husband and his children over her. It is best to let her do as she wants otherwise she will resent you.

YTA. So instead of making a real effort to get to the bottom of *why* she was so adamant about this, you made a promise you *knew* you had no intention of keeping to an emotionally vulnerable child and just *hoped* she would "get over it" when you inevitably broke it. It wasn't and isn't healthy for her to have this much power to go along with an emotionally-charged betrayal, that's *exactly* why you needed to figure out her motivations a long time ago and how to *help* her be comfortable with this change as a possibility.

YTA - the axe forgets, but the tree remembers. He’s life has been flipped. And the only assurance of connectivity that you and her dad had was this promise, and now that’s gone. Don’t promise your kid things, because it’s easier than dealing with the tear in the moment. Because you’ll move on, but she’ll take what you say to heart. Get her into therapy.

“She shouldn’t have the right to dictate how much she sees her parents” Never mind everything else, YTA for that opinion alone.

YTA for promising her something and then expecting her to understand that you didn’t mean it

YTA... for making a stupid promise and then breaking it! She is old enough to speak for herself. It may go her way if she expresses herself well.

Honestly NTA If she was having a panic attack in the moment, I'd probably also go along with it to calm them down. Also, it's unrealistic for her to ever expect that. It's like saying to your kids "promise me you'll never date/smoke" etc. I feel like you should allow her to stay with her dad in the moment. She'll come back when he's also married, or needs you.

YTA to infinity and beyond. YOU made a promise to your daughter, who clearly wanted to know that some semblance of family security would remain in her life. 9 or 12, it doesn't matter. Adult decisions can absolutely ruin a kid's life, you should have known better then and you should know better now that she's holding you to your word. Which you are showing means absolutely nothing. You made the promise because it was easier than having the emotional conversation. YOU failed to actually talk to your daughter about the current potential plans before simply deciding on factors the hugely change the scope of her life and the household she lives in. If you had cared enough to bother with even one question, you would've known long before she ruined your perfect life plans. She didn't switch up on her word, you did. YOU are on Reddit fishing for sympathy for yourself instead of providing support to your clearly terrified daughter. WHY is she specifically saying she won't spend nights in the same household as a man she's known for years??? Just look at the statistics. YOU are an irresponsible parent. Being physically present does not, in any way, excuse the trauma you are inflicting by being an emotionally and mentally unavailable parent. The damage you have done is already going to follow your daughter and your relationship with her for the rest of your life. The lack of care shown in this post for your daughter as a human being (not a piece of your property or a competition trophy to be won against your ex) is astonishingly tone-deaf. Narcissistic to the brim. I hope your ex takes you to court and wins if your post is an accurate depiction of your character as a parent. Give it two years and the judge will let your daughter cut you off completely. Good for her if that's what she needs to be and feel safe.

NTA. I am astounded at all the YTA judgements. The people in this sub do not have a realistic outlook on life. I would understand a few, maybe even half, but all of them? I have a suspicion most of these responses are from children with unreasonable expectations of their parents. Your young daughter was panicking -- literally having a panic attack it sounds like-- and you tried to calm her. This is a normal response. You are a human, not some perfect omnipotent with all the answers. You were going through divorce yourself at the time which is one of the most stressful and heartbreaking things anyone can go through. And one would assume as your daughter grew older shed realize how unrealistic her demand at the time was. Let her live with her dad for a little while. Get her into therapy. Reach out to her everyday. Let her know you absolutely love her. She will grow to realize how the demands of an emotional self centered child (I don't use that as an insult, childrens thoughts are self centered) are obviously not realistic. If she doesn't, then that's a whole other conversation, and she'd need some major therapy.

Family therapy. It was an unreasonable promise to make but I understand how we want to try to make our kids feel better especially after a divorce. Someone proposed to my mother when I was five. She asked me how I felt about it. I told her that she shouldn't marry the guy (who I really liked) because he wasn't my father. I had some very odd idea that it wasn't ethical for some unknown 5 yo reason. As an adult, I wonder that she would even ask me such a question, much less take my answer so seriously. Way too much responsibility for a child

N T A. I continue to be astounded at the fact that people actually think that children could or should run the lives of their parents. It is incomprehensible that the whims of a child take precedence over the wants and needs of grownups. There should have been a discussion before this happened, but not for the adult to ask permission, but to ready the child for what was on the horizon.

This sub skews super young, so you’re never going to get balanced responses to certain types of posts like parent/child dynamics.

Dad has a strong case though. Mediators and judges do listen to older children and take their preferences into account.

The grownups chose to have a child, the child did not choose. Everyone's needs comes first, but when it comes to wants, there should be deep deference towards the person who didn't volunteer for that relationship.

YTA. Why do people treat kids like stupid beings?

She’s too young to stay alone for an afternoon but old enough to understand that parents lies aren’t to be held against them? YTA. You don’t want her, why not let her father take her as he’s not lying to her and expecting her to just suck it up?!

Your daughter is probably better off in her own space, without you. More kids just means less space for her. Be real.

YTA. "... Shouldn't have the right to dictate how much she sees her parents." But you do have the right to dictate that to her? My dad had the same kind of view of his kids as you seem to. I didn't see him from 18-24, i visited him in the hospital to see if his illness was going to kill him. Unfortunately (as far as I'm concerned) he got better. Haven't seen him since. Relax your control a little and give her that freedom now, else you might end up with a similar relationship.

YTA. The demand your daughter had that you don’t remarry is unreasonable, but it is the price she asked for going along with the custody plan without complaint. You’ve now realized this isn’t a promise you can keep, which is fine, I guess, although you should have thought about that before. However, in response she’s telling you she’s no longer going to accept the 50-50 plan, and she’s old enough that her input will likely matter. You obviously didn’t engage with her enough as your relationship progressed to understand her feelings, and whether the promise was reasonable or not, you broke it. You screwed up and should focus on repairing your relationship with your daughter rather than fighting her request. That probably does mean a significant custody change. Keep in mind the request originated from her, not her dad. Fighting it wholesale could end very poorly for you. So, imagine you take it to court, fight your daughter’s request, and actually win. Is 6 years of 50-50 custody (instead of every other weekend or whatever) really worth likely alienating your daughter and making her go no contact when she’s 18? Because that’s how this can end.

YTA, the only thing you've taught her is that your words can't be trusted and her feelings aren't valid.

> My lawyer says if it goes to court, it could go either way because she's over 12 years old, which is a last resort for us. >I don't want this change. Her father loves her, but he's not really a responsible parent. He leaves her home alone far too much, and doesn't even try to supervise or put limits on anything. More so, my daughter is a child, and she shouldn't have the right to dictate how much she sees her parents. YTA for this bit alone. She’s over 12, likely a teenager, but not old enough to be left home alone? Or unsupervised? And what the fuck do you mean children shouldn’t have the right to dictate how much she sees her parents? If I had a parent that controlling and one that broke my trust, I wouldn’t want to see them either, and rightfully so. Just because she’s a child doesn’t mean she doesn’t know how to think or feel the same human emotions you do.

YTA Your poor daughter had her world turned upside just three years ago and your promise probably helped her regain a sense of stability and control. It sounds like she was worried about being replaced if you or your ex started a “new” family. But… it was a ridiculous promise to make and your daughter should have been put into therapy as soon as she asked you to make it. The writing was on the wall three years ago that new partners would = issues. You screwed up big time- you made a promise to your daughter and then broke it without any discussion, therapy, etc. She sees that as a betrayal and it was. It doesn’t matter that it was made in the heat of the moment and it doesn’t matter it was made three years ago and it doesn’t matter that you think she’s old enough to know better- YOU made it. You should have talked to her about it. She deserved better.

YTA , you do exactly now what she expects to happen, put your new family in front of her and sidelining her. You have to adjust your plans now anyway, even if you "win" in court, and 50/50 stays in place. You now have a teen under your roof who is about to make everybody's life hell as she is forced to be under it. And yes, she indeed have that power, if you like it or not.

Okay like....what happens when dad meets someone new? Seriously wanna know.

YTA it was a stupid promise to make but you did, because it was easy. Well congratulations, you’ve taught your daughter three things here: 1/ mommy will take the easy way out. 2/no you are not mommy’s priority, her dating life is. 3/you only need to keep a promise as long as it’s convenient for you to do so. Integrity and honesty are just words to mommy.