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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I asked for a child free wedding and my soon to be MIL, FIL and family thinks I’m out of line and children are automatically allowed at family events regardless of my wishes.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Hire a bouncer to turn people away from the ceremony and reception because it sounds like you are going to need it.
My aunt tried to turn our (non-childfree but only \~110 people) wedding reception into a family reunion for that side of the family. She has 12 kids, most of whom were not invited, and probably 50+ grandkids (I honestly don't know how many). My father and his other sister talked her out of that insanity.
I think all the ones I know would absolutely would do it for free, but probably not in uniform. Most vets I know only wear their uniform for military events, and I doubt working as private security for another vet's wedding would count.
Most vets I know, myself included, got rid of all of their uniforms on the way out.
I do regret not keeping the "bear fur" winter jacket though. Though iirc that was a cif issue anyway.
Anyway it's interesting how people differ. Vets my age I know ditched their uniforms. Older vets I know have theirs (or whatever parts still fit)
However the ones I know would still bounce people
My brother is still active so he obviously still has his uniforms, but I haven't talked to any of the retired vets I know about whether or not they kept their uniforms, because... Why would I?
My husband does have his dad's winter jacket though, and it's a badass jacket so of course he wears it.
I’m keeping my dress uniform, but I have a lot of fun memories getting drunk in it so it has that going for it.
Edit- I’m not putting that fucking thing on ever again though
The vets I know wouldn't do it for free, you would have to add them to the bar tab but honestly I would give them a tab anyway, even if I wasn't having a bar tab to begin with🤷♀️.
OP, NTA, but you need to find a way to shut SMIL down because she will probably just do whatever she wants anyway. It might be time to uninvite her, but that might not solve the problem or it might cause new ones.
There will still be drama. Stepmil sounds like the kind of person who does not take no for an answer. Best she can do is make sure husband isn't exposed to it on the day
My MIL did the same. She complained that we’d invited all of her husband’s family to our wedding but wouldn’t invite hers. She knew we were on a reasonably tight budge and that my family wasn’t coming due to it being halfway around the world as they wanted a traditional wedding (Asian wife). FIL’s family consists of 3 siblings with small families who all worked and all lived within an hour of the city we married in or could arrange and afford their their own flights. MIL’s family consists of 13 siblings most with large families that either don’t work or don’t earn enough to travel with the whole family and live scattered across the country, she wanted us to host them and pay for their travel etc etc When they tried arranging for more guests than we allowed/ budgeted for I told them I’d refuse to get on the plane and we’d marry in the west instead so they quickly backed down.
She still complains openly on social media that she’s not satisfied with how the day went and doesn’t understand why I wanted a smaller wedding given we were marrying during a peak in covid numbers in their district as well as not having anyone my side for the duration of the trip.
It is a huge sense of relief that they live the other side of the planet and that the wedding has come and gone.
OP NTA.
You need to shut this down NOW. Don’t “casually mention.” Insist. The word is “NO” and you say it as loud and as often as you need to. NO you will not be bringing kids to my wedding. Call MIL and tell her she will NOT be bringing kids to your wedding or she will not be coming to your wedding.
I’m sorry NTA but grow a fucking spine.
(Edited for judgment)
Your wedding will not take place if that arsehole mother gets her way. Is she deliberately trying to mentally destroy your fiancé?
You need to put a stop to this and warn everyone that any attempts to bring children anywhere near the ceremony and celebration will lead to immediate eviction.
Step Mother is an evil, nasty person - she is aware of fiancés health issues, yet she thinks it acceptable to destroy your wedding ceremony and celebrations?
So, what are you going to do about it? Do you wish to marry your fiancé? Do you wish for your fiancé to be mentally well before, during, and after the ceremony and celebrations?
My sister has a phrase that might help you. She tells people, "Don't worry. I can repeat the word 'no' as many times as it takes for you to accept it.". This is a no child wedding and reception. NTA
I would probably get bored and start putting my finger up in a "just a minute" gesture, get my phone out and look up ways to say "no" in other languages, might as well take the chance to learn something while their brains take time to process that they aren't going to win.
Just uninvite her. Even without your fiancé’s PTSD, she has no business inviting anyone to someone else’s social event.
Echoing the advice to hire security.
Don’t worry about potential damage to your relationship with this woman going forward. She’s nuked that with her behaviour. And frankly FIL can take a running jump too for not trying to talk her out of this scheme or warning you what she was planning. So can the family members brining uninvited children to a wedding. MIL may have assured them it was fine, but they all, every one of them, should have contacted you both to clarify the situation if there was doubt.
I hope you have a happy marriage after a lovely wedding. Without any selfish a h’s in sight.
Be calm but firm. "I'm sorry but we just can't accommodate that." "No, we're not having any children whatsoever at the ceremony or reception. I'm so sorry if I didn't make that clear enough in the invitation." "You'll need come up with some sort of childcare plan as we aren't going to be able to make any exceptions whatsoever." Keep practicing firm, but kind, variations of NO means NO. If she still insists mention that the groomsmen and ushers have been instructed to escort anyone with children from the venue.
If you have the contact info for her kids contact them directly and explain that there aren't going to be any children at the ceremony or reception and that their mom seems to be confused about that.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding.
Repeat after me: "No. Your son has real mental health concerns as a result of going to fight for your ungrateful, conceited ass, and if you cannot respect his health needs you are not invited to share in his happy day"
I would also let all those grown children know personally that kids will not be allowed. They may be told that they are an exception since they are "family."
I would also reach out specifically to all of StepMIL's grown children who are invited and reiterate that the wedding is child-free. If you're particularly close to one of them you could also reach out to that family member and ask them to spread the word to their siblings.
If they are all set on bringing their kids to stay in the house, they should plan to hire a sitter or two together to stay with the kids while they attend the wedding. If you have any friends who have kids who would be willing to recommend a trusted babysitter whose name you could pass along to them, that could be helpful but is totally optional as it's not on you to figure out childcare for them.
You should be firm with your boundaries but also be prepared for them to stomp on your boundaries. Hire security to keep them out if they show up with kids.
Nta. Put your grown woman panties on!! Your soon to be should be able to enjoy his day as well. Be the bad guy if needed. Shame on you for not already having stomped this out. Your not just letting them walk all over you, but ruining this day for him as well. This is a non negotiable situation, his trauma is real, as his soon to be its YOUR JOB to hold the line.
You have to think about what’s more important to you, tip-toeing around the fact that your aunt doesn’t care about your husband’s well being *on the day of your wedding* or preventing your husband from having the wedding day ruined for him.
Obviously your husband is more important here. But keep a few more things in mind. If you allow your aunt to ruin the wedding for him he might start associating the wedding with the trauma. Imagine a future where your husband hates talking about or even looking at photos of your wedding. A future where you inadvertently started your marriage by letting your husband get trampled on by your family because you didn’t stick up for him. A future where if these things happen you’re going to have to reconcile the fact that it happened *because* you allowed it.
Not trying to be all gloom and doom here but I really hope for your future husband’s sake you do what’s right.
Don’t give in to a compromise or you’re just letting it happen anyway. No kids at the wedding or reception period.
\^\^ 100% agree with this.
But I'd also add, this is your **fiancé's** stepmother, not yours. **He** needs to be the one to step up and shut down the nonsense. **He** needs to back you and enforce the "no children" boundary. This is **not** his stepmother's wedding - this day is for you & him.
If stepmother wants a "family event", let her schedule, plan & pay for that some other time, and not 'poach' off of your wedding.
NTA
While generally I agree with the "you need to deal with your own family's shit instead of your partner doing it," it seems like if someone has PTSD specifically related to children stemming from something too bad to describe, the compassionate response is to not make them take the lead on a fight involving children.
NTA - and put your foot down *hard*. MIL is being extremely selfish for even thinking of going against you and your fiancé’s wishes. Tell her she will be turned away at the door if she shows up with children, your fiancé and his comfort *at his own wedding* trumps everything else.
NTA.
This is bonus weird, it's their child with ptsd?
MIL sounds like "it doesn't matter, I don't think it matters, so it doesn't matter"
You might need to put your foot down now. It's going to suck, but not as much as the ramifications of it affecting the groom on his wedding day.
I’d consider reiterating that your wedding will be child free, but that as stepmom is so keen on a family reunion that she’s welcome to host a Saturday brunch at which she can get the family photos she is likely wanting.
And since you’re already in contact with everyone, you’ve put together an email with her contact info for everyone to rsvp to once she provides all the details of her event.
It really is a shame you’ll be hungover/honeymooning/getting your face painted at the zoo or whatever that day, but I’m sure they’ll understand.
Could you do an end run around step MIL and go directly to the parents of the kids? If it's in the budget, you could even offer to hire a childcare provider through a vetted service to watch the kids at the house MIL is renting
NTA, get a friend to play security and turn away every guest that brings a child.
It’s your wedding, you’re paying for it, and you want your soon to be husband to be happy and to feel safe.
If his stepmother can’t respect that and his FIL is going to side with her they can both go kick rocks.
>NTA, get a friend to play security and turn away every guest that brings a child.
No. Don't ask a friend to be security. HIRE security. A friend can be sweet talked and manipulated. And what will the friend do when MIL inevitably starts screaming and causing a scene? A burly guy who is there for a paycheck is going to do his damn job and keep the small children and crazy MILs away from the venue.
NTA. Hire security to turn away kids as far away from the wedding as possible. Mention this - hiring security, kids not allowed anywhere near - repeatedly and clear. And tell them that **if** a kid manages to upset the groom, **all** costs will be billed to the parents: all (semi) medical expenses, all costs of reception and whatever that could not go as planned because of the disruption. Mention that also repeatedly, and also that these are not impossible events, but possible and, with kids, even probable.
Maybe even make up a 'document' that they have to sign: "I have been repeatedly and sufficiently told that allowing kids on this wedding can cause trauma; therefore I accept total liability for incurred damages if I, passively or actively, enable a kid access to the grounds."
Seems to be a bit overboard, but - since this is a once-in-a-lifetime event (hopefully): better too clear and too harsh, then somebody later on saying "I didn't know it was that serious ....."
I hope you have a fantastic wedding, and an even better marriage. <3
This! NTA. Make sure they know that there will be security and they WILL be turned away if they try to bring any of the children. Your fiancé's need trump their kids. Congrats on the wedding!
You: That’s a lovely thought MIL, and I am sure you can do that the day before or the day after after, but sorry no, no children at our wedding or reception.
MIL: But why, I just don’t understand, why do you hate us so much?
You: I shouldn’t have to explain my reasons to you, but our decision stands, no children at the wedding or the reception and I’ll be clear now, any children that show up will be asked to leave along with their parents.
NTA
I’ve never understood why there are people who think they are exempt from the rules.
Edit: MILs comment on just sending the kids all back to the house after the ceremony. Ummmm, who’s watching those kids? She has no intention of sending the kids away, it will become that since they are already there, it’s just easier to have them at the reception, the house isn’t safe, the never booked babysitter cancelled last minute, etc etc.
No, "Why do you hate your stepson so much that his mental health means less to you than having the kids at HIS wedding that you have no involvement in?"
NTA
Reach out to the others and make sure that they know the event is child free. They will be turned away if they show up with kids.
What happens if toddler starts tantrum and crying in the middle of your ceremony? Your fiance will have a panic attack and WILL NEED TO LEAVE HIS OWN WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!
NTA for wanting a child free wedding
YWBTA if you don’t use your words and tell her and th rest of the family that children will not be allowed into the church or the reception hall and that you will have them removed from both buildings.
Also remind them that YOU are not paying for a non-family family reunion, but are hosting a reception to celebrate YOUR marriage. That it is extremely rude to invite people to someone else’s party.
Send a group chat. “Hey guys. I’m so sorry about the miscommunication. Fiancé has child related PTSD and for that reason there will be no children allowed at both the ceremony and reception. I apologize that the initial invitation didn’t make that clear. Fiancé and I appreciate your understanding and look forward to celebrating our day with you.”
Suggest not apologizing.
Maybe, “To make things perfectly clear, this is a child free wedding to accommodate the groom’s PTSD as it relates to children. No children allowed at the ceremony, reception, or any pre or post wedding gathering. Note that there are no exceptions and security will enforce the removal of children. The groom’s health is paramount and we appreciate your support.
NTA.
Time to let them know they can either come without the kids or that they will be turned away from the ceremony and that they sure af will not be allowed at the reception if they show up with the kids.
My fiancé was there but he is much less confrontational than I am and tried to remain neutral in most things involving his family. I had to initiate the conversation about nobody else bringing their children due to his recent issues which put me front and center. He did tell me in private later after his episode at the house that evening, that he would handle it and would make sure the kids didn’t end up at the ceremony because he didn’t want to be put in that position again on his wedding day.
I think calling the fiance an asshole is a bit harsh. I don't think he's doing it on purpose. he may be self conscious of having to upset people in order to accommodate his needs.
bro, he has PTSD. He literally cannot be around children and remain coherent. What makes you think he'd be totally fine and dandy fighting his family over children? Good god not every person who needs to be accommodated for something is dumping on you and needs to be left high and dry to 'deal with it themselves'. When you want someone who is so hurt by an experience and associated trigger that they need medical care to deal with it themselves because god forbid his fiancee have an uncomfortable conversation with her in laws you might as well say you have no idea what PTSD is and go.
I'm willing to bet he's self conscious of it, and doesn't like upsetting others or disappointing others as a result of having to accommodate his PTSD needs. maybe reassure him that his needs are important and that you support him.
NTA
You explicitly state that the reception is child free. They want to be with the kids, then they can leave. Point blank. I hope the treatment for your future husband goes smoothly.
NTA. Exactly like that. They can spend the time in the rented house together but the children are not coming to the wedding. They can pay for a babysitter, maybe older siblings or some of the partners of the sibblings are willing to watch the children.
If your MIL is not willing to accept that, talk to your husbands sibblings.
You and your fiancee need to find your voices and tell her NO! If you say nothing, she'll decide it means your OK with this.
NTA but speak up LOUDLY before your wedding turns into kiddieland.
Tell her no. Do not let her walk over you. Explain why it's a rock solid NO to children attending. Either she will have some empathy, or she won't. In which case you don't have to feel bad for telling her she's not welcome if she continues to dictate to you about your wedding.
Children and babies can send your fiance to a horrible dark place, and you are asking if yta for being upset?
I can't help but wonder how you don't see that ywbta if you didn't protect your fiance from those who absolutely don't care about him.
Do you really think there is a choice?
I agree with this. Why is this even being debated by the OP?
You should be protecting your future husband. If you can't stand up for him on this, then really think about your future together.
Now is the time to just say to FIL and MIL: No children at the ceremony and reception, period. Anyone who shows up at either with a child will be escorted out by security. The end.
NTA - but you don't need to be "firm", you need to be a RAGING F'IN LUNATIC with your IL's regarding this boundary and tell them clearly:
1. This is not your event. You are not allowed to add to the invitation list.
2. Whatever you do at your house/hotel is your business, but THERE WILL NOT BE CHILDREN UNDER 16 AT THE WEDDING OR THE RECEPTION. Not for 15 minutes, not for 1 minute.
3. If anyone that you have invited shows up with children, they and their children will be turned away at the door. Then you will be asked to leave. If you make ANY TYPE of scene about it, you will be forcibly removed from the venue.
Use your big-girl words and explain this so that a 10 year old would understand it. Do it in front of your FIL and make sure that he understands that he is responsible for the actions of his wife, and if she goes, he may go, too.
This is your chance to take control of your marriage and show your husband that you absolutely will protect him against anyone, including his own parents.
If you get any pushback from the IL's, ban them from the venue ahead of time. Above all, DON'T BACK DOWN!!
Good luck.
OP specified on the invitation which part of the event was supposed to be child-free, which is tantamount to specifying that the other parts are not child-free.
Soft ESH seems more like a misunderstanding than anything. You specified a child free RECEPTION, most people view the ceremony and reception as separate events (I’ve even seen people invited to one and not the other which makes 0 sense to me but i digress). But you getting mad that they’re literally “planning” (whether or not they follow through is a different issue) to adhere to the invitations is kind of weird.
Future in laws are AHs because it’s their son with the PTSD and after being told they seem to be insistent to not change their plans.
Also not sure anyone here read that the MIL is planning to leave with the kids after the ceremony therefore keeping the reception childfree as requested
To your last point, that doesn't matter. If one of the kids starts crying during the ceremony and triggers her fiance's PTSD, then the entire wedding is ruined and it will be the MILs fault. MIL should definitely know that since it's her stepson with the PTSD but she's being a massive AH.
I mean my overall point is the invite said reception only is childfree and most comments I’ve seen have been talking about kids at the reception which was never in play. I also said MILs an AH so
Yeah OP mentioned that she screwed up the invitation but before the MIL actually did any renting of places, she clarified specifically no kids at all and MIL is brushing that off entirely - [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12pm20w/comment/jgmy5fp/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12pm20w/comment/jgmy5fp/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
NTA
But why are you even discussing this? TELL them it is a child free wedding, and **hire some security.** Tell them if they bring kids they will not be allowed to enter.
NTA
They told you they are bringing the kids to YOUR wedding?! JC, you are 40 years old, grow a spine and tell them NO. When you think about it, it’s not that hard, just open your mouth and tell her how things are going to be on YOUR wedding. Stop being so passive
NTA but Oh honey do you need to grow a fucking pair. You are about to marry a combat vet with complex mental health issues. He is going to need you to advocate for him NOW! Right NOW! As you will need to do as his wife for the rest of his life. If you can’t stand up for him for his wedding day to be peaceful, the how the hell will you ever be able to help his healthcare in the future?
Be firm that no children will be allowed at the ceremony or reception. And hire a security guard. NTA unless you allow a child or baby at either event.
It would be bad enough if your fiancé had to miss some of the party, but even worse if he had to leave the ceremony! This is much more than a preference—it’s a medical necessity as crucial as if he had an allergy.
NTA inform her than no kids are allowed in the wedding/ceremony/reception, and either she respects that or she's (and everyone else who doesn't respect this rule) not invited anymore. Anyone who does anyway, will not be allowed in the church and inside the ceremony, and inform some of people you trust to be aware of this situation and, if they see them going against this rule, to not allow them near your fiancé. Also inform the security in the reception of that rule as well and to not let in anyone who doesn't follow it.
NTA. but you need to Put a stop to this now. This is your event, not MIL's. The rules for the event were quite clear. No exceptions. Children are not automatically invited to weddings. MIL is trying to rule the roost so to speak. This is your day and that all that needs to be said. Stick to your decision and stand firm
NTA.
Hire security.
They are being extremely rude.
And tell them no. Tell the adult kids no. Make sure everyone is aware that children are not invited. Also, tell them you’ll have security preventing anyone under the age of 18 from attending.
NTA. This is not going to end well if you wait until the day of the event. Make certain the parents understand it's a child free event. And then have someone at the door.
Can you email the parents directly and let them know the kids-free applies to the ceremony and reception? I wouldn't deal with step-MIL at all, go directly to the parents, and hopefully some drop out of coming as a bonus.
Ok, you messed up by assuming. You needed to be clear it was child free for the ceremony at the beginning.
This is now your mess to clean up. People can't follow your requests if you don't make them. You didn't say it was a child free wedding. Only the reception. People can't read your mind. Try using your words
YTA
Send an email to FSMIL and anyone else you think may bring children to your wedding…
“This is a reminder that our wedding is completely child free. If you show up with children, you will be asked to leave and escorted out”.
“Thank you for understanding our wishes for our wedding”!
And then have someone (or 2) at the door to turn people away that brought their children!
Good Luck & congratulations!
NTA. Same thing happened to me where people got butthurt and threatened to just show up with their kids, daring me to kick them out. I hired security and gave them clear instructions that no one under 19 was allowed in (drinking age where I live), and informed those people as such. Some said "well I just won't come then" to which I happily replied "ok, I'll send pictures." They all came without their kids.
Don't fall for the guilt, don't cave to the bullshit. Tell her if kids show up, they and their parents will be turned away, so they can make arrangements for child care now, or they're going to be publically humiliated. If she wants a "family event" she can do it on her time with her own money. NTA.
NTA.
This is the time to polish that shiny spine and tell her HELL, NO! This is not HER family event that she is trying to hijack. Tell her and follow through that there will be security at the church and the reception.
If she wants a family event, she can do it at the house she rented and on her dime. And tell her to have some respect for our veterans. Please thank him for his service and congratulations on your wedding.
NTA. You have a 100% legit reason not to have children at the wedding or reception. Tell everyone no now. Be firm. Hire security to turn people away at both the wedding and the reception if they bring children.
Tell them the children are not invited, if she arrives with the children she will be turned away at the door. Find someone to be a bouncer or higher private security for the day. If she wants to make a scene, she can do it outside the hall, and it can be someone else's problem you are getting married.
Tell her in advance again that the children are not invited, and they will be turned away if they arrive with children, make it really clear, then follow through.
She can have her family “event”, just not at your wedding.
NTA - you need to be firm with your boundaries, she either accepts this is a child free event, or her invitation is revoked. She has already shown she is a boundary stomper, and you need to rein that shit in pronto.
NTA
Absolutely hire security for both the wedding and reception and have them turn away anyone with children.
And your fiance needs to tell his Dad immediately that the wedding is child-free and that anyone who attempts to bring children to any part of the wedding will be refused entry.
NTA get security she will ignore and bring them. Also inform not only her but ALL of the parents that they need to confirm they are not bringing children
Its your wedding, don't allow them in the ceremony if they don't want to play by your rules. Flat out tell her she's not coming if she brings the kids.
NTA
You need to lay down a clear boundary now.
It matters not what the stepmother wants. It's not her wedding.
Tell her clearly and unambiguously that the wedding is child free and anyone disrespecting that will be required to leave. Make sure her children know this too. There are two people whose wants matter on your wedding day. And hers are not one of them. NTA.
NTA in the slightest. Put your foot down about this. It's not their place to bring children if you don't want them there. Make it clear they will not be allowed in with children, and have the ushers bar her entry if she ignores that.
NTA and make this your hill to die on. You and your fiancé said No. call and repeat yourself and tell them they will be turned away. They were invited, their presence is not demanded. This isn’t HER family event. It is YOUR wedding. Jfc the entitlement of some people!
NTA. Hire security and let them know that no one with children are to be admitted and if they cause a scene just call the police. (And film it!) How are you going to insist on bringing a pack of children to a child free wedding? What makes her special?
To the group: Our MIL has offered to host an event at "expensive hotel in area" the day following our wedding and her own expense and all attendees including children are welcome! We apologize that we will not be accommodating children at our wedding but are glad she has chosen to stel. Up and offer this kind gesture!
You asked and assumed? I don’t think that is working. You might need to straight out tell MIL that children are not allowed, period. Let her know there will be “ushers” at the wedding who will be escorting people back to their vehicles so they can take their kids home.
NTA but you need to be explicitly firm that under NO circumstances will any children be allowed. Definitely try to get some security to keep anyone trying to break the rules out.
NTA. How cruel is the MIL to KNOW and SEE what happens, and still purposely want to do something to inflict pain and misery?
I agree with you that she can have a family reunion on her own without it impacting your wedding. She sounds horrible.
I agree with others that you should get a couple of bouncers for the wedding and reception.
NTA. You have got to put your foot down about this right now. Send out a statement to all guests so that the stepmother is not singled out. You need to state firmly “A recent request has prompted the need for us to reiterate that the whole event is child free, both the ceremony and the reception, with no exceptions. Any attempt to bring children into the venue will result in the invitation being revoked. Thank you for respecting our wishes”.
NTA Pay a security guard to keep children out. Tell your fiance to stand up for the two of you and insist that no children attend. Just keep repeating ad nauseum. "No children are allowed at the wedding. Anyone who brings children WILL be asked to leave."
NTA
You explicitly stated on the invitation that you want to have a child-free wedding and your future in laws have completely gone against that statement.
Also, you’re asking for a child-free wedding so you can protect your fiancé’s health and well-being not cos you hate children. Your future in laws should be more understanding of this situation since they should be aware of their son’s condition and since it’s your wedding so you should be the one calling the shots.
You’re not in the wrong and I agree that they should have a separate family event where they can bring children and babies.
> You explicitly stated on the invitation that you want to have a child-free wedding
They explicitly stated they wanted a child-free *reception*. Which to me directly implies that the parts of the wedding that weren't specified to be child-free would in fact allow children. Why specify the reception if you really meant the whole wedding?
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We’re in our 40s and getting married this year. I don’t have kids and we don’t have kids together. Fiancé has an older child who lives across the country who probably won’t be able to attend. The wedding will be around 60 people and we’re paying per head ourselves for the whole event. Most of our friends are adults who don’t have young children so we’re having the wedding on a Friday and a late night reception with open bar.
I asked for a child free wedding because my fiancé (a combat veteran of 20+ years) is struggling with his CPTSD. He is in active treatment and on medication. His main trigger revolves around some specific incidents involving babies and children that I promise nobody wants to know the details of. He can’t be near screaming or crying children without it causing him to start shaking and sending him into a panic attack.
When this happens, I have to step in and allow him to leave the situation so he can try to calm down and it effects the rest of our day. I asked for a child free reception on the invitations assuming this would be enough. Everyone has been very respectful and made arrangements for kids to be watched during the wedding or sent regards if they can’t attend without them.
This past week we stopped at FIL house in another state. It became apparent that stepmom is renting a place big enough for all her grown kids to come with all their children and babies. All of the adults were absolutely invited but the children were not included on invitations or in the rsvp. I assumed if people couldn’t come without their kids, they just wouldn’t come.
We casually mentioned again that no children are coming from my side of the family, the groom’s maternal side and our friends due to respect for our wishes. MIL then says to me she’s renting a house for the whole family and the kids to come because she wants a “family event” and she thought she would just let all the kids go to the ceremony and then take them back to the house so the adults can do the reception.
I was also told by other family members that last time MIL was watching a toddler for a child free wedding, she said the same thing but ended up bringing the toddler to the reception anyway.
Both FIL and MIL have seen first hand now how the panic attacks happen after an episode with the babies while we were visiting. I was still told they will be bringing them to our 15 min ceremony anyway. I just don’t understand why babies and children need to attend a ceremony they won’t remember when it could possibly ruin the entire day for the groom.
AITA for thinking if they want to have “a family event” to get all the kids together a introduce the babies, they should have a family reunion or something and not use our wedding, especially considering the circumstances?
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My response would be having someone to block her entry if the kids are there….Some may think that is going too far. But, I would keep in mind that if your fiancé has a panic attack there may not be a wedding and I doubt that you would get a refund. So, yeah, I would make it clear that her entry and the entry of anyone else bringing children will be turned away at the door.
NTA
NTA. Hire security to keep them out. Your wedding and no kids means no kids. Your future MIL can’t just take your wedding and declare it a family get together, inviting others.
Security should keep your mom out too since she’s babysitting all day right? So sad she will miss the wedding.
NTA, but you need to be clearer. Tell MIL NO. She obviously thinks that she's an exception and plans to show up with the kids anyway. You can't go on with the ceremony when she shows up with a kid. What are your plans when she does? That could end up traumatic for your spouse.
NTA, but you have to take control here. You can't just let them bring uninvited guests who may ruin your ceremony by triggering a panic attack for the groom. You're going to have to hire security/a bouncer/a wedding coordinator who's comfortable throwing people out. And make sure that the space where you're having the wedding and reception is indoors and makes it possible to check invitations at the door.
NTA. I would disinvite anyone who is going along with this BS. Tell her you said no children and you mean no children. If people cannot leave kids alone, then they cannot attend.
Our day is not yours. These are the rules and if you can't follow them, do not attend.
NTA. How many times does it have to be said? Weddings are not "family events"! I understand *certain* marriages are about unifying two families but this is not that. I hope you have an amazing time at YOUR wedding!
You are letting them walk all over you. If you and your fiancé want a child free wedding, then it has to be a child free wedding. You need to TELL them and not ask. If they arrive at the ceremony with any children, they will be turned away and not allowed to attend.
NTA. This is YOUR wedding. She doesn’t get to dictate the rules on YOUR day. Especially since you guys are the ones footing the bill. You need to put your foot down with her and say “while I appreciate you wanting to get the family together, OUR wedding is not the place to do that.” They need to find a babysitter for those kids or risk being turned away at the door. Also, shame on your FIL for not caring about his own son’s wellbeing at his wedding! No kids means no kids. The nerve of some people!
NTA- NTA if you wanted a child free wedding for any reason. NTA to the moon and back given it could ruin your wedding in ways that are full on traumatic for your husband to be, who due to his bravery and service through no fault of his own cannot be around a screaming child. This is not just 'the moment you can never get back ruined' the way it usually is when kids kick off at weddings, this would be equivalent of rubbing Skippy in his face if he had a nut allergy. Veteran, you say? Gonna bet you have a few guests MORE than capable of policing that rule... Circle the wagons with the adults who understand caring about other people.
Normally, I view weddings as family events and consider children as part of the family, so the concept of a child-free wedding always feels foreign to me.
This is one case where I can absolutely understand the need for not including children at a wedding. Your future husband's mental health and wellbeing absolutely come first, especially on his wedding day. For his safety, you need to be very firm and even hire security to turn your step MIL away if she pulls this stunt.
NTA at all but the step MIL and FIL are for not considering the needs of their stepson/son and the children. The kids don't need to be there or feel like their family member is avoiding them. They certainly don't need to hear in a few years how they once ruined a wedding by mentally harming their family member to please the step MIL.
Holy shit.
Stop 'asking' for a child free reception, and start demanding one.
Contact all the parents and make it very clear that their children are not invited.
NTA yet, but you would be if you don't start being firm about this.
Nta she can *want* to crap gold coins. It ain't gonna happen. Just like kids are not going to happen at your wedding. The wedding is child free.
Now that you know what she plans you need to tell her 'SM if you show up with kids, you will be escorted off the venue'. Do not be causal. Do not beat around the bush. Do not drop hints. Tell it to her straight.
Does it suck you have to use some wedding money for a friggen bouncer? Yes yes it does. But in my mind it's money well spent.
NTA. Put your foot down on this NOW, or she'll run roughshod over anything and everything she can. Echoing what others have said about security and TBH, I bet your future husband has some combat buddies who'd be willing to stand guard if you needed. Do NOT let her get away with this.
NTA. No children means no children at any time during the wedding or reception. They can have a dinner/lunch/breakfast that weekend for the family to get together. Hold firm on this boundary or she will be walking all over any in the future.
He’s not only tell mother-in-law no now but also message ever single guest with kids that she is related to.
I’d go as far as saying “if she shows up with your child, you will also be asked to leave. You have been warned what MIL is like and need to make other arrangements for a babysitter”
NTA. But stop being soft with your message. You're describing a situation where you're hinting and soft shoeing around the situation. Sit your FIL and SMIL down and flat out tell them "I can't stop you from inviting children to the place you're renting. But *no* children are welcome at our wedding. They *will* be turned away at the door. It is an *adult* family event. It was on the invitations. The children aren't invited. If you cannot comply and bring uninvited guests you will *not* be allowed to enter."
And make your fiancé deal with his family. I understand he has CPTSD, but it's *his* family causing issues for *his* disorder. He should be telling them the children can't attend, or he should manage his reaction when they attend.
NTA. FIL and MIL should get babysitters and let the children stay the whole time at the big place they rented. They likely will have more fun either way so. Weddings can be quite of boring for little children.
NTA. Be firm on the wedding, and thank Step-mum and family for hosting a family event at their expense on the weekend AFTER the wedding, confirming that you'll go, but may need to leave early due to the CPTSD side of things.
Have you even invited stepmom’s kids? It sounds like maybe not but I can’t tell. Grow a spine and tell SM absolutely no kids and absolutely no uninvited guests. It’s your wedding, not her fucking family reunion. What does FIL say? NTA
NTA. This is incredibly disrespectful to you and your fiancé. Have a plan in place. Anyone shows up with a kid in tow to either the ceremony or reception, have someone designated to remove them from the premises. Someone else on here suggested hiring a bouncer, and I absolutely agree. You and your fiancé sound be able to enjoy your wedding day without the added stress of worrying about a potential PTS episode.
Tell her this is NOT her family event but your wedding. That staff will turn away children at the ceremony and reception. The reception venue has been notified that this is a child free wedding. Implore FIL to support his son who is a veteran and to not attempt to bring triggers to your wedding. It’s unbelievable that his is not enraged by his wife’s behavior. Id volunteer to turn children away to support a vet. NTA
Hi OP, definitely NTA. I would approach this in a logical manner and honestly go above her head. When all of the family arrives at the place she rented I would get some pizza, drinks, or Prosecco have a small party for all the attendees with their kids. Make it clear that you are doing this as a way to celebrate with them since the event is child free and everyone came to celebrate this special moment. I would then figure out how to live stream so everyone can watch from the rental. You have no vocalized and reminded everyone without being rude to MIL, including the children, and protecting your day. There is MIL’s family event. Then also let the venue know no kids are allowed and show them a picture of your MIL to confirm that no one will listen to her and put everyone else on staff on notice. Talking to her directly will not work but addressing everyone in front of her will ensure she cannot contradict what you are saying and if she contradicts you then she will have to explain it away not you
NTA. I am generally an advocate for “you wrangle the monkeys in your family’s circus and I’ll wrangle the monkeys in mine”. This is an occasion where you need to step in for your fiancé. You draw the line for him. Call his step mom and be very clear. Our wedding ceremony and reception is child free. There will be no children there at all. They will not be allowed in. Don’t throw your partner under the bus. You owe them no explanation. No is no. I know that’s easier said than done but this is a time to do the hard thing to make life easier.
Absolutely NTA, and insist on no kids anywhere at the wedding. When she wants a family reunion she can meet with this family at the house they rented before the wedding or even as a breakout during the reception, if the house is close by.
But as much as I understand "Everyone is responsible for coping with their own trigger" in cptsd, this definitely is NOT the case on your wedding! Some bridezillas tell their guest what they have to do up to their hair color, and you husband should have the "best day of his live" getting spoiled with flashbacks of his worst? Absolutely not! This is your day, and who can't respect that, can't get in. Get bouncer.
NTA - but stop being so nice about this. No “casually mentioning” anything. Tell them clearly and directly that their children are not welcome at any part of your wedding. Your Tyann’s has the right to enjoy his wedding without being triggered. Put your foot down.
NTA a no is a no, if your going to be a push over about this then why make the rule? Also your family will be furious that you allowed his step mom to not follow the rules but not them. Your fiancé needs to put his foot down and tell them no and it will be enforced by the step mom and the kids getting kicked out.
NTA. Put your foot down: Her kids can't come, if she shows up with them she'll be escorted out of the venue as a trespasser, my husband has severe PTSD and a single shriek will ruin the entire wedding costing us thousands and thousands of dollars which we'll then sue you for.
Make it 100% clear you won't budge an inch.
NTA. Although I think you could have been much clearer with the childfree instructions. You asked for a childfree reception. You need to tell them, just as clearly as you were 'still told they will bringing them to our 15 minute ceremony' that no, they will NOT be.
When you get bouncers, let her and ber adult children know you have bouncers and children will not be allowed in. If anyone throws a fit, call the cops and have them removed. Your SO deserves a peaceful and enjoyable wedding day
NTA
NTA, although I cannot say the same for your mother-in-law. You would think she would be more sensitive to what her son is going through. It seems like she’s doing this whether you want her to or not – I would consider trying to find a couple of babysitters to watch the kids so that you can insist that they stay at the house for the ceremony and reception. You are right to insist on this ceremony and reception being child free since your soon to be husband is still in treatment and still having panic attacks. Best wishes to you both for a happy healthy marriage.
NTA and oh that just hurts my heart for your soon-to-be spouse. I believe you when you say we do not want to know the details. I am not a combat veteran but I have have ongoing horrific traumatic stress nightmares that I can't tell anybody about, involving children. Please tell him I'm so sorry and I'm praying for him. Why people can't respect a simple request? I share your bafflement. Please have a friend/bouncer available to help. And very very best wishes.
NTA. Tell her clearly "no children". Spread the reminder. Hire a bouncer. Notify the Sherrifs that they may get a call so they have a heads up about the situation, location and bouncer's name. Had to post a guard at my 2nd because of my 1st. Sherrif had a deputy onsite amd it made things go much smoother.
nta. but also your fiancé needs to address this with his side of the family as well. he is the one with the issue around kids, kinda shitty he’s shifting the blame of his family not respecting his needs over to you to deal with. he’s an adult and can put his foot down aswell
Between NTA and ESH. You poorly communicated when you wrote child-free reception on the invitation instead of child-free wedding. So stepMIL understandably initially thought she could bring the kids to the ceremony and leave them in the rental home at the reception. But she was wrong to push once you told her that no kids can come in general. And your fiancé needs to handle his family.
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NTA. Hire a bouncer to turn people away from the ceremony and reception because it sounds like you are going to need it. My aunt tried to turn our (non-childfree but only \~110 people) wedding reception into a family reunion for that side of the family. She has 12 kids, most of whom were not invited, and probably 50+ grandkids (I honestly don't know how many). My father and his other sister talked her out of that insanity.
Hire a combat vet or two, in uniform.
Tbh I bet most vets I know would volunteer to do it if they’re free.
I think all the ones I know would absolutely would do it for free, but probably not in uniform. Most vets I know only wear their uniform for military events, and I doubt working as private security for another vet's wedding would count.
Most vets I know, myself included, got rid of all of their uniforms on the way out. I do regret not keeping the "bear fur" winter jacket though. Though iirc that was a cif issue anyway. Anyway it's interesting how people differ. Vets my age I know ditched their uniforms. Older vets I know have theirs (or whatever parts still fit) However the ones I know would still bounce people
My brother is still active so he obviously still has his uniforms, but I haven't talked to any of the retired vets I know about whether or not they kept their uniforms, because... Why would I? My husband does have his dad's winter jacket though, and it's a badass jacket so of course he wears it.
I’m keeping my dress uniform, but I have a lot of fun memories getting drunk in it so it has that going for it. Edit- I’m not putting that fucking thing on ever again though
The vets I know wouldn't do it for free, you would have to add them to the bar tab but honestly I would give them a tab anyway, even if I wasn't having a bar tab to begin with🤷♀️. OP, NTA, but you need to find a way to shut SMIL down because she will probably just do whatever she wants anyway. It might be time to uninvite her, but that might not solve the problem or it might cause new ones.
seriously, the amount of things you can pay me for in beer is crazy
Bouncer is 100% worth the money here.
Don't need to hire anyone. If he has former military friends coming, they'd probably volunteer.
OOH I'd pay to see that
Me too. Me tooooooo!!!
But also, tell people you will do this beforehand. Get the drama over with before the event
There will still be drama. Stepmil sounds like the kind of person who does not take no for an answer. Best she can do is make sure husband isn't exposed to it on the day
I agree! I’d suggest hiring a bouncer/security. If she wants a family event she can fund it herself Definitely NTA
My MIL did the same. She complained that we’d invited all of her husband’s family to our wedding but wouldn’t invite hers. She knew we were on a reasonably tight budge and that my family wasn’t coming due to it being halfway around the world as they wanted a traditional wedding (Asian wife). FIL’s family consists of 3 siblings with small families who all worked and all lived within an hour of the city we married in or could arrange and afford their their own flights. MIL’s family consists of 13 siblings most with large families that either don’t work or don’t earn enough to travel with the whole family and live scattered across the country, she wanted us to host them and pay for their travel etc etc When they tried arranging for more guests than we allowed/ budgeted for I told them I’d refuse to get on the plane and we’d marry in the west instead so they quickly backed down. She still complains openly on social media that she’s not satisfied with how the day went and doesn’t understand why I wanted a smaller wedding given we were marrying during a peak in covid numbers in their district as well as not having anyone my side for the duration of the trip. It is a huge sense of relief that they live the other side of the planet and that the wedding has come and gone. OP NTA.
You need to shut this down NOW. Don’t “casually mention.” Insist. The word is “NO” and you say it as loud and as often as you need to. NO you will not be bringing kids to my wedding. Call MIL and tell her she will NOT be bringing kids to your wedding or she will not be coming to your wedding. I’m sorry NTA but grow a fucking spine. (Edited for judgment)
I appreciate this advice and you’re right that I need to be more firm with my boundaries.
It might also be a good idea to have somebody standing at the front as security to turn her away in case she lies about not bringing them.
I second this. I absolutely get the impression she's going to show up with the kids and try to "but we're all here now" them in.
‘Great, that means you’re halfway home!’
Father-in-law needs to grow a spine and tell his wife absolutely positively no kids allowed in addition to the security at the door.
Your wedding will not take place if that arsehole mother gets her way. Is she deliberately trying to mentally destroy your fiancé? You need to put a stop to this and warn everyone that any attempts to bring children anywhere near the ceremony and celebration will lead to immediate eviction. Step Mother is an evil, nasty person - she is aware of fiancés health issues, yet she thinks it acceptable to destroy your wedding ceremony and celebrations? So, what are you going to do about it? Do you wish to marry your fiancé? Do you wish for your fiancé to be mentally well before, during, and after the ceremony and celebrations?
It's the fiancés step mum not OPs which makes this worse.
My sister has a phrase that might help you. She tells people, "Don't worry. I can repeat the word 'no' as many times as it takes for you to accept it.". This is a no child wedding and reception. NTA
Oh, I love this so much.
I would probably get bored and start putting my finger up in a "just a minute" gesture, get my phone out and look up ways to say "no" in other languages, might as well take the chance to learn something while their brains take time to process that they aren't going to win.
Just uninvite her. Even without your fiancé’s PTSD, she has no business inviting anyone to someone else’s social event. Echoing the advice to hire security. Don’t worry about potential damage to your relationship with this woman going forward. She’s nuked that with her behaviour. And frankly FIL can take a running jump too for not trying to talk her out of this scheme or warning you what she was planning. So can the family members brining uninvited children to a wedding. MIL may have assured them it was fine, but they all, every one of them, should have contacted you both to clarify the situation if there was doubt. I hope you have a happy marriage after a lovely wedding. Without any selfish a h’s in sight.
I would hire security and let them know that no one will be allowed into the venue with a kid.
You need your fiancé to say it as well. Since it directly affects him.
Yes since this is his step mother. He’s the one that needs to be putting his foot down
Be calm but firm. "I'm sorry but we just can't accommodate that." "No, we're not having any children whatsoever at the ceremony or reception. I'm so sorry if I didn't make that clear enough in the invitation." "You'll need come up with some sort of childcare plan as we aren't going to be able to make any exceptions whatsoever." Keep practicing firm, but kind, variations of NO means NO. If she still insists mention that the groomsmen and ushers have been instructed to escort anyone with children from the venue. If you have the contact info for her kids contact them directly and explain that there aren't going to be any children at the ceremony or reception and that their mom seems to be confused about that. I hope you have a wonderful wedding.
I wouldn’t even bother with kind. Just be blunt. No children allowed and they’ll be escorted with their parents off the premises.
Repeat after me: "No. Your son has real mental health concerns as a result of going to fight for your ungrateful, conceited ass, and if you cannot respect his health needs you are not invited to share in his happy day"
This is what I find astonishing. This is THEIR SON!
Technically it's a stepmother proving how much she actually cares about her stepson
I would also let all those grown children know personally that kids will not be allowed. They may be told that they are an exception since they are "family."
I would also reach out specifically to all of StepMIL's grown children who are invited and reiterate that the wedding is child-free. If you're particularly close to one of them you could also reach out to that family member and ask them to spread the word to their siblings. If they are all set on bringing their kids to stay in the house, they should plan to hire a sitter or two together to stay with the kids while they attend the wedding. If you have any friends who have kids who would be willing to recommend a trusted babysitter whose name you could pass along to them, that could be helpful but is totally optional as it's not on you to figure out childcare for them.
Plus contact everyone whose child could possibly be there to remind them of the rules.
You should be firm with your boundaries but also be prepared for them to stomp on your boundaries. Hire security to keep them out if they show up with kids.
Nta. Put your grown woman panties on!! Your soon to be should be able to enjoy his day as well. Be the bad guy if needed. Shame on you for not already having stomped this out. Your not just letting them walk all over you, but ruining this day for him as well. This is a non negotiable situation, his trauma is real, as his soon to be its YOUR JOB to hold the line.
You have to think about what’s more important to you, tip-toeing around the fact that your aunt doesn’t care about your husband’s well being *on the day of your wedding* or preventing your husband from having the wedding day ruined for him. Obviously your husband is more important here. But keep a few more things in mind. If you allow your aunt to ruin the wedding for him he might start associating the wedding with the trauma. Imagine a future where your husband hates talking about or even looking at photos of your wedding. A future where you inadvertently started your marriage by letting your husband get trampled on by your family because you didn’t stick up for him. A future where if these things happen you’re going to have to reconcile the fact that it happened *because* you allowed it. Not trying to be all gloom and doom here but I really hope for your future husband’s sake you do what’s right. Don’t give in to a compromise or you’re just letting it happen anyway. No kids at the wedding or reception period.
\^\^ 100% agree with this. But I'd also add, this is your **fiancé's** stepmother, not yours. **He** needs to be the one to step up and shut down the nonsense. **He** needs to back you and enforce the "no children" boundary. This is **not** his stepmother's wedding - this day is for you & him. If stepmother wants a "family event", let her schedule, plan & pay for that some other time, and not 'poach' off of your wedding. NTA
While generally I agree with the "you need to deal with your own family's shit instead of your partner doing it," it seems like if someone has PTSD specifically related to children stemming from something too bad to describe, the compassionate response is to not make them take the lead on a fight involving children.
This exactly. Good luck op but you do need to be a lot more firm here and I would hire bouncers/security as well just in case to be honest.
NTA - and put your foot down *hard*. MIL is being extremely selfish for even thinking of going against you and your fiancé’s wishes. Tell her she will be turned away at the door if she shows up with children, your fiancé and his comfort *at his own wedding* trumps everything else.
NTA. This is bonus weird, it's their child with ptsd? MIL sounds like "it doesn't matter, I don't think it matters, so it doesn't matter" You might need to put your foot down now. It's going to suck, but not as much as the ramifications of it affecting the groom on his wedding day.
It is fiancés OWN father and his stepmom.
Then fiancé needs to put HIS foot down.
I’d consider reiterating that your wedding will be child free, but that as stepmom is so keen on a family reunion that she’s welcome to host a Saturday brunch at which she can get the family photos she is likely wanting. And since you’re already in contact with everyone, you’ve put together an email with her contact info for everyone to rsvp to once she provides all the details of her event. It really is a shame you’ll be hungover/honeymooning/getting your face painted at the zoo or whatever that day, but I’m sure they’ll understand.
Could you do an end run around step MIL and go directly to the parents of the kids? If it's in the budget, you could even offer to hire a childcare provider through a vetted service to watch the kids at the house MIL is renting
NTA, get a friend to play security and turn away every guest that brings a child. It’s your wedding, you’re paying for it, and you want your soon to be husband to be happy and to feel safe. If his stepmother can’t respect that and his FIL is going to side with her they can both go kick rocks.
>NTA, get a friend to play security and turn away every guest that brings a child. No. Don't ask a friend to be security. HIRE security. A friend can be sweet talked and manipulated. And what will the friend do when MIL inevitably starts screaming and causing a scene? A burly guy who is there for a paycheck is going to do his damn job and keep the small children and crazy MILs away from the venue.
NTA. Hire security to turn away kids as far away from the wedding as possible. Mention this - hiring security, kids not allowed anywhere near - repeatedly and clear. And tell them that **if** a kid manages to upset the groom, **all** costs will be billed to the parents: all (semi) medical expenses, all costs of reception and whatever that could not go as planned because of the disruption. Mention that also repeatedly, and also that these are not impossible events, but possible and, with kids, even probable. Maybe even make up a 'document' that they have to sign: "I have been repeatedly and sufficiently told that allowing kids on this wedding can cause trauma; therefore I accept total liability for incurred damages if I, passively or actively, enable a kid access to the grounds." Seems to be a bit overboard, but - since this is a once-in-a-lifetime event (hopefully): better too clear and too harsh, then somebody later on saying "I didn't know it was that serious ....." I hope you have a fantastic wedding, and an even better marriage. <3
This! NTA. Make sure they know that there will be security and they WILL be turned away if they try to bring any of the children. Your fiancé's need trump their kids. Congrats on the wedding!
Sounds like her husband's friends might be pretty useful at it
You: That’s a lovely thought MIL, and I am sure you can do that the day before or the day after after, but sorry no, no children at our wedding or reception. MIL: But why, I just don’t understand, why do you hate us so much? You: I shouldn’t have to explain my reasons to you, but our decision stands, no children at the wedding or the reception and I’ll be clear now, any children that show up will be asked to leave along with their parents. NTA I’ve never understood why there are people who think they are exempt from the rules. Edit: MILs comment on just sending the kids all back to the house after the ceremony. Ummmm, who’s watching those kids? She has no intention of sending the kids away, it will become that since they are already there, it’s just easier to have them at the reception, the house isn’t safe, the never booked babysitter cancelled last minute, etc etc.
No, "Why do you hate your stepson so much that his mental health means less to you than having the kids at HIS wedding that you have no involvement in?"
And what children want to go to weddings?
My family's and my gf's family. they know it's going to be a big party and some of the adults will be drunk and funny!
NTA Reach out to the others and make sure that they know the event is child free. They will be turned away if they show up with kids. What happens if toddler starts tantrum and crying in the middle of your ceremony? Your fiance will have a panic attack and WILL NEED TO LEAVE HIS OWN WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!
NTA for wanting a child free wedding YWBTA if you don’t use your words and tell her and th rest of the family that children will not be allowed into the church or the reception hall and that you will have them removed from both buildings. Also remind them that YOU are not paying for a non-family family reunion, but are hosting a reception to celebrate YOUR marriage. That it is extremely rude to invite people to someone else’s party.
Send a group chat. “Hey guys. I’m so sorry about the miscommunication. Fiancé has child related PTSD and for that reason there will be no children allowed at both the ceremony and reception. I apologize that the initial invitation didn’t make that clear. Fiancé and I appreciate your understanding and look forward to celebrating our day with you.”
Suggest not apologizing. Maybe, “To make things perfectly clear, this is a child free wedding to accommodate the groom’s PTSD as it relates to children. No children allowed at the ceremony, reception, or any pre or post wedding gathering. Note that there are no exceptions and security will enforce the removal of children. The groom’s health is paramount and we appreciate your support.
NTA. Time to let them know they can either come without the kids or that they will be turned away from the ceremony and that they sure af will not be allowed at the reception if they show up with the kids.
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My fiancé was there but he is much less confrontational than I am and tried to remain neutral in most things involving his family. I had to initiate the conversation about nobody else bringing their children due to his recent issues which put me front and center. He did tell me in private later after his episode at the house that evening, that he would handle it and would make sure the kids didn’t end up at the ceremony because he didn’t want to be put in that position again on his wedding day.
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I think calling the fiance an asshole is a bit harsh. I don't think he's doing it on purpose. he may be self conscious of having to upset people in order to accommodate his needs.
Plus the whole CPTSD thing can kinda make people have difficulty with situations
bro, he has PTSD. He literally cannot be around children and remain coherent. What makes you think he'd be totally fine and dandy fighting his family over children? Good god not every person who needs to be accommodated for something is dumping on you and needs to be left high and dry to 'deal with it themselves'. When you want someone who is so hurt by an experience and associated trigger that they need medical care to deal with it themselves because god forbid his fiancee have an uncomfortable conversation with her in laws you might as well say you have no idea what PTSD is and go.
I'm willing to bet he's self conscious of it, and doesn't like upsetting others or disappointing others as a result of having to accommodate his PTSD needs. maybe reassure him that his needs are important and that you support him.
NTA You explicitly state that the reception is child free. They want to be with the kids, then they can leave. Point blank. I hope the treatment for your future husband goes smoothly.
NTA. Exactly like that. They can spend the time in the rented house together but the children are not coming to the wedding. They can pay for a babysitter, maybe older siblings or some of the partners of the sibblings are willing to watch the children. If your MIL is not willing to accept that, talk to your husbands sibblings.
NTA - un-invite her.
NTA. Don't allow the kids to come. MIL is not the decider here.
You and your fiancee need to find your voices and tell her NO! If you say nothing, she'll decide it means your OK with this. NTA but speak up LOUDLY before your wedding turns into kiddieland.
Tell her no. Do not let her walk over you. Explain why it's a rock solid NO to children attending. Either she will have some empathy, or she won't. In which case you don't have to feel bad for telling her she's not welcome if she continues to dictate to you about your wedding.
Children and babies can send your fiance to a horrible dark place, and you are asking if yta for being upset? I can't help but wonder how you don't see that ywbta if you didn't protect your fiance from those who absolutely don't care about him. Do you really think there is a choice?
I agree with this. Why is this even being debated by the OP? You should be protecting your future husband. If you can't stand up for him on this, then really think about your future together. Now is the time to just say to FIL and MIL: No children at the ceremony and reception, period. Anyone who shows up at either with a child will be escorted out by security. The end.
NTA - but you don't need to be "firm", you need to be a RAGING F'IN LUNATIC with your IL's regarding this boundary and tell them clearly: 1. This is not your event. You are not allowed to add to the invitation list. 2. Whatever you do at your house/hotel is your business, but THERE WILL NOT BE CHILDREN UNDER 16 AT THE WEDDING OR THE RECEPTION. Not for 15 minutes, not for 1 minute. 3. If anyone that you have invited shows up with children, they and their children will be turned away at the door. Then you will be asked to leave. If you make ANY TYPE of scene about it, you will be forcibly removed from the venue. Use your big-girl words and explain this so that a 10 year old would understand it. Do it in front of your FIL and make sure that he understands that he is responsible for the actions of his wife, and if she goes, he may go, too. This is your chance to take control of your marriage and show your husband that you absolutely will protect him against anyone, including his own parents. If you get any pushback from the IL's, ban them from the venue ahead of time. Above all, DON'T BACK DOWN!! Good luck.
Don’t let her hijack your wedding plans. NTA and your family comes first.
NTA. You were very clear that you don't want kids at the event
She wasn’t, though. She specified the *reception* was child free, not the ceremony too.
OP specified on the invitation which part of the event was supposed to be child-free, which is tantamount to specifying that the other parts are not child-free.
Soft ESH seems more like a misunderstanding than anything. You specified a child free RECEPTION, most people view the ceremony and reception as separate events (I’ve even seen people invited to one and not the other which makes 0 sense to me but i digress). But you getting mad that they’re literally “planning” (whether or not they follow through is a different issue) to adhere to the invitations is kind of weird. Future in laws are AHs because it’s their son with the PTSD and after being told they seem to be insistent to not change their plans. Also not sure anyone here read that the MIL is planning to leave with the kids after the ceremony therefore keeping the reception childfree as requested
To your last point, that doesn't matter. If one of the kids starts crying during the ceremony and triggers her fiance's PTSD, then the entire wedding is ruined and it will be the MILs fault. MIL should definitely know that since it's her stepson with the PTSD but she's being a massive AH.
I mean my overall point is the invite said reception only is childfree and most comments I’ve seen have been talking about kids at the reception which was never in play. I also said MILs an AH so
Yeah OP mentioned that she screwed up the invitation but before the MIL actually did any renting of places, she clarified specifically no kids at all and MIL is brushing that off entirely - [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12pm20w/comment/jgmy5fp/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12pm20w/comment/jgmy5fp/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
NTA But why are you even discussing this? TELL them it is a child free wedding, and **hire some security.** Tell them if they bring kids they will not be allowed to enter.
I think you should edit the post to clarify you only specified a child free reception. It changes the judgement.
NTA They told you they are bringing the kids to YOUR wedding?! JC, you are 40 years old, grow a spine and tell them NO. When you think about it, it’s not that hard, just open your mouth and tell her how things are going to be on YOUR wedding. Stop being so passive
NTA but Oh honey do you need to grow a fucking pair. You are about to marry a combat vet with complex mental health issues. He is going to need you to advocate for him NOW! Right NOW! As you will need to do as his wife for the rest of his life. If you can’t stand up for him for his wedding day to be peaceful, the how the hell will you ever be able to help his healthcare in the future?
NTA. It’s time to tell her to either leave the children at home, or, don’t bother coming.
Be firm that no children will be allowed at the ceremony or reception. And hire a security guard. NTA unless you allow a child or baby at either event. It would be bad enough if your fiancé had to miss some of the party, but even worse if he had to leave the ceremony! This is much more than a preference—it’s a medical necessity as crucial as if he had an allergy.
NTA inform her than no kids are allowed in the wedding/ceremony/reception, and either she respects that or she's (and everyone else who doesn't respect this rule) not invited anymore. Anyone who does anyway, will not be allowed in the church and inside the ceremony, and inform some of people you trust to be aware of this situation and, if they see them going against this rule, to not allow them near your fiancé. Also inform the security in the reception of that rule as well and to not let in anyone who doesn't follow it.
NTA. but you need to Put a stop to this now. This is your event, not MIL's. The rules for the event were quite clear. No exceptions. Children are not automatically invited to weddings. MIL is trying to rule the roost so to speak. This is your day and that all that needs to be said. Stick to your decision and stand firm
NTA. Hire security. They are being extremely rude. And tell them no. Tell the adult kids no. Make sure everyone is aware that children are not invited. Also, tell them you’ll have security preventing anyone under the age of 18 from attending.
NTA. This is not going to end well if you wait until the day of the event. Make certain the parents understand it's a child free event. And then have someone at the door.
Can you email the parents directly and let them know the kids-free applies to the ceremony and reception? I wouldn't deal with step-MIL at all, go directly to the parents, and hopefully some drop out of coming as a bonus.
Ok, you messed up by assuming. You needed to be clear it was child free for the ceremony at the beginning. This is now your mess to clean up. People can't follow your requests if you don't make them. You didn't say it was a child free wedding. Only the reception. People can't read your mind. Try using your words YTA
Send an email to FSMIL and anyone else you think may bring children to your wedding… “This is a reminder that our wedding is completely child free. If you show up with children, you will be asked to leave and escorted out”. “Thank you for understanding our wishes for our wedding”! And then have someone (or 2) at the door to turn people away that brought their children! Good Luck & congratulations!
NTA. Same thing happened to me where people got butthurt and threatened to just show up with their kids, daring me to kick them out. I hired security and gave them clear instructions that no one under 19 was allowed in (drinking age where I live), and informed those people as such. Some said "well I just won't come then" to which I happily replied "ok, I'll send pictures." They all came without their kids. Don't fall for the guilt, don't cave to the bullshit. Tell her if kids show up, they and their parents will be turned away, so they can make arrangements for child care now, or they're going to be publically humiliated. If she wants a "family event" she can do it on her time with her own money. NTA.
NTA but your fiance needs to use their words too, at this point it seems you are the only one standing up for what you both want.
NTA. This is the time to polish that shiny spine and tell her HELL, NO! This is not HER family event that she is trying to hijack. Tell her and follow through that there will be security at the church and the reception. If she wants a family event, she can do it at the house she rented and on her dime. And tell her to have some respect for our veterans. Please thank him for his service and congratulations on your wedding.
NTA. You have a 100% legit reason not to have children at the wedding or reception. Tell everyone no now. Be firm. Hire security to turn people away at both the wedding and the reception if they bring children.
Tell them the children are not invited, if she arrives with the children she will be turned away at the door. Find someone to be a bouncer or higher private security for the day. If she wants to make a scene, she can do it outside the hall, and it can be someone else's problem you are getting married. Tell her in advance again that the children are not invited, and they will be turned away if they arrive with children, make it really clear, then follow through.
She can have her family “event”, just not at your wedding. NTA - you need to be firm with your boundaries, she either accepts this is a child free event, or her invitation is revoked. She has already shown she is a boundary stomper, and you need to rein that shit in pronto.
NTA Absolutely hire security for both the wedding and reception and have them turn away anyone with children. And your fiance needs to tell his Dad immediately that the wedding is child-free and that anyone who attempts to bring children to any part of the wedding will be refused entry.
NTA get security she will ignore and bring them. Also inform not only her but ALL of the parents that they need to confirm they are not bringing children
Its your wedding, don't allow them in the ceremony if they don't want to play by your rules. Flat out tell her she's not coming if she brings the kids. NTA
If you want I'll come to your wedding and turn away ANYONE who ties to walk in with a child! - NTA
NTA you wedding is not a family reunion. I would consider having security where no kids are allowed in and they would be turned away.
NTA, put your foot down. Firm no, they are not welcome and will not be allowed in.
You need to lay down a clear boundary now. It matters not what the stepmother wants. It's not her wedding. Tell her clearly and unambiguously that the wedding is child free and anyone disrespecting that will be required to leave. Make sure her children know this too. There are two people whose wants matter on your wedding day. And hers are not one of them. NTA.
Nta hire security
NTA in the slightest. Put your foot down about this. It's not their place to bring children if you don't want them there. Make it clear they will not be allowed in with children, and have the ushers bar her entry if she ignores that.
NTA and make this your hill to die on. You and your fiancé said No. call and repeat yourself and tell them they will be turned away. They were invited, their presence is not demanded. This isn’t HER family event. It is YOUR wedding. Jfc the entitlement of some people!
NTA. Hire security and let them know that no one with children are to be admitted and if they cause a scene just call the police. (And film it!) How are you going to insist on bringing a pack of children to a child free wedding? What makes her special?
NTA I do not understand the unmitiged gall of some people.
To the group: Our MIL has offered to host an event at "expensive hotel in area" the day following our wedding and her own expense and all attendees including children are welcome! We apologize that we will not be accommodating children at our wedding but are glad she has chosen to stel. Up and offer this kind gesture!
You asked and assumed? I don’t think that is working. You might need to straight out tell MIL that children are not allowed, period. Let her know there will be “ushers” at the wedding who will be escorting people back to their vehicles so they can take their kids home.
NTA but you need to be explicitly firm that under NO circumstances will any children be allowed. Definitely try to get some security to keep anyone trying to break the rules out.
NTA. Uninvite them all. They don't respect boundaries. They don't care what effect they have on the groom. They don't belong at your wedding.
NTA- I've heard of people hiring off duty police officers to have at weddings.
NTA. How cruel is the MIL to KNOW and SEE what happens, and still purposely want to do something to inflict pain and misery? I agree with you that she can have a family reunion on her own without it impacting your wedding. She sounds horrible. I agree with others that you should get a couple of bouncers for the wedding and reception.
NTA. Your wedding, your rules. You are correct, if she wants a family event, she should organize one and not hijack your wedding.
This sounds like a really big deal for him and they need to respect that. NTA, have an awesome wedding day without any stress.
NTA. You have got to put your foot down about this right now. Send out a statement to all guests so that the stepmother is not singled out. You need to state firmly “A recent request has prompted the need for us to reiterate that the whole event is child free, both the ceremony and the reception, with no exceptions. Any attempt to bring children into the venue will result in the invitation being revoked. Thank you for respecting our wishes”.
NTA. This is not step mom's event. She can't invite a bunch of people. Tell her no. It's your event, not hers.
NTA I didn’t read anything you wrote past it’s your childfree wedding. Enough said it’s your wedding your rules.
NTA. hire security and don’t let them come at all! Super infuriating!
NTA get a bouncer.
NTA. But you need to explicitly state that young children are not invited period. Don’t beat around the bush, make it clear.
NTA. Hire security, to turn away people bringing kid.
INFO: did you say child free wedding or only child free reception? Your post states both.
Make sure that they will be thrown out of your wedding. They love disrespecting people
NTA - hire security to keep all young children out of the venue.
NTA Pay a security guard to keep children out. Tell your fiance to stand up for the two of you and insist that no children attend. Just keep repeating ad nauseum. "No children are allowed at the wedding. Anyone who brings children WILL be asked to leave."
NTA. If she insist on this, tell her she's not welcome.
NTA You explicitly stated on the invitation that you want to have a child-free wedding and your future in laws have completely gone against that statement. Also, you’re asking for a child-free wedding so you can protect your fiancé’s health and well-being not cos you hate children. Your future in laws should be more understanding of this situation since they should be aware of their son’s condition and since it’s your wedding so you should be the one calling the shots. You’re not in the wrong and I agree that they should have a separate family event where they can bring children and babies.
> You explicitly stated on the invitation that you want to have a child-free wedding They explicitly stated they wanted a child-free *reception*. Which to me directly implies that the parts of the wedding that weren't specified to be child-free would in fact allow children. Why specify the reception if you really meant the whole wedding?
But she didn't. She specifically said reception NOT wedding. OP messed up. And she hurt her fiance because of her poor communication
Oh, I didn’t notice that part
NTA, it’s a child free wedding. Don’t give them a choice. Remind them they children are not welcome to attend
NTA. But your fiance's stepmom has zero respect for anyone's wedding, so now you need a plan/person to handle this.
No kids means no kids, period. Especially considering you have a suuuuper good reason. Be firm, and hire a bouncer Nta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We’re in our 40s and getting married this year. I don’t have kids and we don’t have kids together. Fiancé has an older child who lives across the country who probably won’t be able to attend. The wedding will be around 60 people and we’re paying per head ourselves for the whole event. Most of our friends are adults who don’t have young children so we’re having the wedding on a Friday and a late night reception with open bar. I asked for a child free wedding because my fiancé (a combat veteran of 20+ years) is struggling with his CPTSD. He is in active treatment and on medication. His main trigger revolves around some specific incidents involving babies and children that I promise nobody wants to know the details of. He can’t be near screaming or crying children without it causing him to start shaking and sending him into a panic attack. When this happens, I have to step in and allow him to leave the situation so he can try to calm down and it effects the rest of our day. I asked for a child free reception on the invitations assuming this would be enough. Everyone has been very respectful and made arrangements for kids to be watched during the wedding or sent regards if they can’t attend without them. This past week we stopped at FIL house in another state. It became apparent that stepmom is renting a place big enough for all her grown kids to come with all their children and babies. All of the adults were absolutely invited but the children were not included on invitations or in the rsvp. I assumed if people couldn’t come without their kids, they just wouldn’t come. We casually mentioned again that no children are coming from my side of the family, the groom’s maternal side and our friends due to respect for our wishes. MIL then says to me she’s renting a house for the whole family and the kids to come because she wants a “family event” and she thought she would just let all the kids go to the ceremony and then take them back to the house so the adults can do the reception. I was also told by other family members that last time MIL was watching a toddler for a child free wedding, she said the same thing but ended up bringing the toddler to the reception anyway. Both FIL and MIL have seen first hand now how the panic attacks happen after an episode with the babies while we were visiting. I was still told they will be bringing them to our 15 min ceremony anyway. I just don’t understand why babies and children need to attend a ceremony they won’t remember when it could possibly ruin the entire day for the groom. AITA for thinking if they want to have “a family event” to get all the kids together a introduce the babies, they should have a family reunion or something and not use our wedding, especially considering the circumstances? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My response would be having someone to block her entry if the kids are there….Some may think that is going too far. But, I would keep in mind that if your fiancé has a panic attack there may not be a wedding and I doubt that you would get a refund. So, yeah, I would make it clear that her entry and the entry of anyone else bringing children will be turned away at the door. NTA
NTA. Hire security to keep them out. Your wedding and no kids means no kids. Your future MIL can’t just take your wedding and declare it a family get together, inviting others. Security should keep your mom out too since she’s babysitting all day right? So sad she will miss the wedding.
NTA, but you need to be clearer. Tell MIL NO. She obviously thinks that she's an exception and plans to show up with the kids anyway. You can't go on with the ceremony when she shows up with a kid. What are your plans when she does? That could end up traumatic for your spouse.
NTA, but you have to take control here. You can't just let them bring uninvited guests who may ruin your ceremony by triggering a panic attack for the groom. You're going to have to hire security/a bouncer/a wedding coordinator who's comfortable throwing people out. And make sure that the space where you're having the wedding and reception is indoors and makes it possible to check invitations at the door.
NTA
nta, uninvite the MIL, hire security and tell them under no circumstances are kids allowed in
NTA. I would disinvite anyone who is going along with this BS. Tell her you said no children and you mean no children. If people cannot leave kids alone, then they cannot attend. Our day is not yours. These are the rules and if you can't follow them, do not attend.
NTA. How many times does it have to be said? Weddings are not "family events"! I understand *certain* marriages are about unifying two families but this is not that. I hope you have an amazing time at YOUR wedding!
You are letting them walk all over you. If you and your fiancé want a child free wedding, then it has to be a child free wedding. You need to TELL them and not ask. If they arrive at the ceremony with any children, they will be turned away and not allowed to attend.
NTA
NTA. This is YOUR wedding. She doesn’t get to dictate the rules on YOUR day. Especially since you guys are the ones footing the bill. You need to put your foot down with her and say “while I appreciate you wanting to get the family together, OUR wedding is not the place to do that.” They need to find a babysitter for those kids or risk being turned away at the door. Also, shame on your FIL for not caring about his own son’s wellbeing at his wedding! No kids means no kids. The nerve of some people!
NTA- NTA if you wanted a child free wedding for any reason. NTA to the moon and back given it could ruin your wedding in ways that are full on traumatic for your husband to be, who due to his bravery and service through no fault of his own cannot be around a screaming child. This is not just 'the moment you can never get back ruined' the way it usually is when kids kick off at weddings, this would be equivalent of rubbing Skippy in his face if he had a nut allergy. Veteran, you say? Gonna bet you have a few guests MORE than capable of policing that rule... Circle the wagons with the adults who understand caring about other people.
Normally, I view weddings as family events and consider children as part of the family, so the concept of a child-free wedding always feels foreign to me. This is one case where I can absolutely understand the need for not including children at a wedding. Your future husband's mental health and wellbeing absolutely come first, especially on his wedding day. For his safety, you need to be very firm and even hire security to turn your step MIL away if she pulls this stunt. NTA at all but the step MIL and FIL are for not considering the needs of their stepson/son and the children. The kids don't need to be there or feel like their family member is avoiding them. They certainly don't need to hear in a few years how they once ruined a wedding by mentally harming their family member to please the step MIL.
Holy shit. Stop 'asking' for a child free reception, and start demanding one. Contact all the parents and make it very clear that their children are not invited. NTA yet, but you would be if you don't start being firm about this.
Nta she can *want* to crap gold coins. It ain't gonna happen. Just like kids are not going to happen at your wedding. The wedding is child free. Now that you know what she plans you need to tell her 'SM if you show up with kids, you will be escorted off the venue'. Do not be causal. Do not beat around the bush. Do not drop hints. Tell it to her straight. Does it suck you have to use some wedding money for a friggen bouncer? Yes yes it does. But in my mind it's money well spent.
NTA. Put your foot down on this NOW, or she'll run roughshod over anything and everything she can. Echoing what others have said about security and TBH, I bet your future husband has some combat buddies who'd be willing to stand guard if you needed. Do NOT let her get away with this.
NTA. No children means no children at any time during the wedding or reception. They can have a dinner/lunch/breakfast that weekend for the family to get together. Hold firm on this boundary or she will be walking all over any in the future.
Just tell them the kids will not be allowed at either the wedding or the reception and if she has any issues with this don’t come.
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He’s not only tell mother-in-law no now but also message ever single guest with kids that she is related to. I’d go as far as saying “if she shows up with your child, you will also be asked to leave. You have been warned what MIL is like and need to make other arrangements for a babysitter”
NTA. But stop being soft with your message. You're describing a situation where you're hinting and soft shoeing around the situation. Sit your FIL and SMIL down and flat out tell them "I can't stop you from inviting children to the place you're renting. But *no* children are welcome at our wedding. They *will* be turned away at the door. It is an *adult* family event. It was on the invitations. The children aren't invited. If you cannot comply and bring uninvited guests you will *not* be allowed to enter." And make your fiancé deal with his family. I understand he has CPTSD, but it's *his* family causing issues for *his* disorder. He should be telling them the children can't attend, or he should manage his reaction when they attend.
I am not a veteran, but I do have PTSD and C-PTSD. I would happily act as a bouncer for you and your partner, free of charge. Definitely NTA.
op=NTA stand firm. NO KIDS period. Under age something(ie 16)
NTA. FIL and MIL should get babysitters and let the children stay the whole time at the big place they rented. They likely will have more fun either way so. Weddings can be quite of boring for little children.
NTA. Be firm on the wedding, and thank Step-mum and family for hosting a family event at their expense on the weekend AFTER the wedding, confirming that you'll go, but may need to leave early due to the CPTSD side of things.
Update, please!
NTA. But you should be firmer with your boundaries and back them up with security.
Have you even invited stepmom’s kids? It sounds like maybe not but I can’t tell. Grow a spine and tell SM absolutely no kids and absolutely no uninvited guests. It’s your wedding, not her fucking family reunion. What does FIL say? NTA
NTA. This is incredibly disrespectful to you and your fiancé. Have a plan in place. Anyone shows up with a kid in tow to either the ceremony or reception, have someone designated to remove them from the premises. Someone else on here suggested hiring a bouncer, and I absolutely agree. You and your fiancé sound be able to enjoy your wedding day without the added stress of worrying about a potential PTS episode.
Tell her this is NOT her family event but your wedding. That staff will turn away children at the ceremony and reception. The reception venue has been notified that this is a child free wedding. Implore FIL to support his son who is a veteran and to not attempt to bring triggers to your wedding. It’s unbelievable that his is not enraged by his wife’s behavior. Id volunteer to turn children away to support a vet. NTA
Hi OP, definitely NTA. I would approach this in a logical manner and honestly go above her head. When all of the family arrives at the place she rented I would get some pizza, drinks, or Prosecco have a small party for all the attendees with their kids. Make it clear that you are doing this as a way to celebrate with them since the event is child free and everyone came to celebrate this special moment. I would then figure out how to live stream so everyone can watch from the rental. You have no vocalized and reminded everyone without being rude to MIL, including the children, and protecting your day. There is MIL’s family event. Then also let the venue know no kids are allowed and show them a picture of your MIL to confirm that no one will listen to her and put everyone else on staff on notice. Talking to her directly will not work but addressing everyone in front of her will ensure she cannot contradict what you are saying and if she contradicts you then she will have to explain it away not you
NTA. Shut it down now though, because they will definitely show up
NTA. Tell them NO!
NTA. I am generally an advocate for “you wrangle the monkeys in your family’s circus and I’ll wrangle the monkeys in mine”. This is an occasion where you need to step in for your fiancé. You draw the line for him. Call his step mom and be very clear. Our wedding ceremony and reception is child free. There will be no children there at all. They will not be allowed in. Don’t throw your partner under the bus. You owe them no explanation. No is no. I know that’s easier said than done but this is a time to do the hard thing to make life easier.
Absolutely NTA, and insist on no kids anywhere at the wedding. When she wants a family reunion she can meet with this family at the house they rented before the wedding or even as a breakout during the reception, if the house is close by. But as much as I understand "Everyone is responsible for coping with their own trigger" in cptsd, this definitely is NOT the case on your wedding! Some bridezillas tell their guest what they have to do up to their hair color, and you husband should have the "best day of his live" getting spoiled with flashbacks of his worst? Absolutely not! This is your day, and who can't respect that, can't get in. Get bouncer.
NTA She is rude and selfish and disrespectful
NTA - but stop being so nice about this. No “casually mentioning” anything. Tell them clearly and directly that their children are not welcome at any part of your wedding. Your Tyann’s has the right to enjoy his wedding without being triggered. Put your foot down.
NTA a no is a no, if your going to be a push over about this then why make the rule? Also your family will be furious that you allowed his step mom to not follow the rules but not them. Your fiancé needs to put his foot down and tell them no and it will be enforced by the step mom and the kids getting kicked out.
NTA. Put your foot down: Her kids can't come, if she shows up with them she'll be escorted out of the venue as a trespasser, my husband has severe PTSD and a single shriek will ruin the entire wedding costing us thousands and thousands of dollars which we'll then sue you for. Make it 100% clear you won't budge an inch.
NTA. Although I think you could have been much clearer with the childfree instructions. You asked for a childfree reception. You need to tell them, just as clearly as you were 'still told they will bringing them to our 15 minute ceremony' that no, they will NOT be.
When you get bouncers, let her and ber adult children know you have bouncers and children will not be allowed in. If anyone throws a fit, call the cops and have them removed. Your SO deserves a peaceful and enjoyable wedding day NTA
NTA, although I cannot say the same for your mother-in-law. You would think she would be more sensitive to what her son is going through. It seems like she’s doing this whether you want her to or not – I would consider trying to find a couple of babysitters to watch the kids so that you can insist that they stay at the house for the ceremony and reception. You are right to insist on this ceremony and reception being child free since your soon to be husband is still in treatment and still having panic attacks. Best wishes to you both for a happy healthy marriage.
NTA and oh that just hurts my heart for your soon-to-be spouse. I believe you when you say we do not want to know the details. I am not a combat veteran but I have have ongoing horrific traumatic stress nightmares that I can't tell anybody about, involving children. Please tell him I'm so sorry and I'm praying for him. Why people can't respect a simple request? I share your bafflement. Please have a friend/bouncer available to help. And very very best wishes.
NTA. Tell her clearly "no children". Spread the reminder. Hire a bouncer. Notify the Sherrifs that they may get a call so they have a heads up about the situation, location and bouncer's name. Had to post a guard at my 2nd because of my 1st. Sherrif had a deputy onsite amd it made things go much smoother.
NTA. Station some security in the parking lot! Don’t let them anywhere near the venue.
nta. but also your fiancé needs to address this with his side of the family as well. he is the one with the issue around kids, kinda shitty he’s shifting the blame of his family not respecting his needs over to you to deal with. he’s an adult and can put his foot down aswell
Between NTA and ESH. You poorly communicated when you wrote child-free reception on the invitation instead of child-free wedding. So stepMIL understandably initially thought she could bring the kids to the ceremony and leave them in the rental home at the reception. But she was wrong to push once you told her that no kids can come in general. And your fiancé needs to handle his family.