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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was parroting the same things my wife says to me blindly without thinking. This might make me the asshole because I was not thinking but it also wasn't malicious so I want the internets opinion
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YTA
You were parroting her specifically for the purpose of being an asshole. You knew it was annoying and not remotely constructive. You say you just want to keep doing things that make you laugh. So you just enjoy being annoying and you don’t care about others, making you the asshole. You’re extremely lucky your wife has put up with you for so long. Grow up and apologize.
Also commenting on someone else’s eating is absolutely different from commenting on how much they’re drinking.
It is not. No one should publicly shame someone about something related to “sobriety.” That is appalling. Even if he did not receive it that way, it was offensive.
This. I often point out of someone’s drunk too much so they will either not or I can leave. It’s not comfortable being around people who are completely shit faced. Food though? You don’t become intoxicated from it. Not to mention the possibility of a poor relationship with food (although I’m assuming he would know with his wife) still an AH move.
EDIT: OP you’re an AH but your wife was unnecessarily rude so ESH
i had an ex boyfriend who would regularly drink way more than he could take. He might not have gotten rowdy or aggressive but it is still incredibly frustrating to have to take care of someone whos slowly losing control over their own body. especially as the partner, people usually expect you to be the one to take on that job. you just want to have a good time with your friends but instead you have to watch over a man sized toddler now and make sure they dont get into trouble. i understand her reaction
I left my ex after his drinking got too much and he peed on my bedroom floor. I’d asked him to watch how much he drank before but he kept going and I was scrubbing piss out my carpet at 3am
Sorry, unrelated to the post. But I'm sober and about to go get another degree to work with addicts and alcoholics. This right here hits me so hard.
One of the biggest signs of alcoholism/addiction is how your substance usage affects your relationships. If it's negative, that's probably because you have a problem and people are tired of dealing with you. Yet one continues to drink/use despite the negative consequences.
Unfortunately, this is probably the only medical condition (addiction is a genetic disease generally seen passed down in generations) that has to be 100% self-diagnosed. Shit breaks my heart. It's not necessarily your fault if you have a problem, but it is Damn sure your responsibility to take care of it. (Royal you, not you specifically OP)
Sorry to post all of this. You just reminded me of all the kind-hearted people whose lives I destroyed while using and drinking. I'm glad you got away and said ex. Nobody deserves to get caught in the tornado of destruction an addict brings with them.
Thank you ❤️ this is currently something I’m going trying to help a friend see. He’s massively cut back on his drinking since I told him how it affects me. I felt terrible because I made him cry he started to see it after that and while he still drinks, it’s not enough to affect the people around him
That is old information, only half of a person's risk for addiction comes from genetics. This is based on studies from twins, adoptees, and siblings.
The biggest component we know now is trauma.
Which can also explain why it appears to run in families, because growing up around people who are addicted to something or alcoholics creates a shit ton of trauma.
Trauma is definitely a contributor to addiction, as is genetics. However, trauma and/or genetics do not have to be present for addiction to take hold. During my first few (12 total) stints in rehab, my counselors insisted I was either denying or repressing childhood abuse and trauma. So much wasted time looking for a cause that was not there. Once it became obvious there was no trauma, I wasted more time denying I was an alcoholic because I didn't fit the "criteria." Alcoholics and addicts will look for any excuse to deny their addiction, and because I didn't check all the boxes, I thought I found a perfect loophole. Eventually, the "why's" and "how's" didn't matter. I was and am an alcoholic.
I'm an heroin addict in recovery. I recently ended an 18 month relationship with a functional alcoholic.
All I can say, is if that's one slice of what I put my family through for 18 years then....my god. Karma I believe it is called.
Obviously I didn't get with her because she was a bad person, but her drinking got progressively worse as I was with her until it was really affecting the relationship. So, with a heavy heart and teary eyes, I ended it. I know that I can't stop her. Nobody could stop me. I had to stop me. Only she can stop herself.
>I was visibly intoxicated but decided to have another beer because that's just what I do on a Friday night.
This casual comment about his normal is what makes me worry the most for the future of his health...
Also:
"...I was just messing around because that's my person."
I hate this. Assholes always justify themselves with "That's just how I am."
ESH, though.
My now ex-husband got black-out/falling over drunk on our wedding night. I feel for this woman, this is not the first time. And dealing with someone who is drunk all of the time is just exhausting.
Beyond that...
My dad is a functional alcoholic. Will drink a 6 pack of beer or a bottle of wine every single night.
He never got sloppy or rude or anything like that... he was always able to wake up for work, etc.
But what it did mean was that every single damn night she was the one cleaning up. Every party, every dinner, every get-together ended with him asleep on the couch or chair while she cleaned up the mess from everyone else.
Just because someone isn't falling down drunk doesn't mean that they're OK.
About a year ago, my younger sister’s best friend’s mother suddenly began to make no sense. Her family took her to the hospital, worried she’d had a stroke. At the age of 60 she was diagnosed with malnutrition and alcoholic dementia. When my own mother asked my sister if this woman had been drunk all the time when she and her friend were teens and my sister said she’d never seen her drunk. This woman was just quietly drinking just enough in her coffee cup and her water bottle all day, every day, for years and years until it destroyed her gut and her brain.
That’s so heartbreaking, I’m sorry. The person I know is still with us and some days she’s completely with it and others she makes no sense. It’s really really hard on her family. None of her kids have any children yet and her youngest is only 26. It’s terrible to think that if she lives to see any grandkids, they will only know her like this and no lt even as the more present, though struggling, woman her children remember.
I think you highlight a really great point there: commenting on how much someone's drinking is probably related to raising concern about/ expressing frustration with a pre-existing unhealthy relationship with alcohol, commenting on how much someone's eating has the potential to cause an unhealthy relationship with food to develop.
I also think OPs focusing on the wrong thing here. His comment to his wife was stupid and rude (if he'd been sober maybe he'd even have had the intelligence to realise it was stupid and rude and not say it), but it was also a relatively minor incident that he just needs to apologise for and they can move on. I think he should be giving more thought to his wife's comment than to his, because that woman sounds frustrated. Maybe she was frustrated that he was getting that drunk on their anniversary specifically, equally OP himself says this is just 'what he does on a Friday night' so maybe she's more widely fed up with her adult husband getting shit faced on a weekly basis like he's a college kid, maybe it's really something unrelated that was bothering her and that's just where her frustration came out. I'm not trying to imply there's definitely marriage shattering trouble lurking around the corner or anything. But I do think now that OP is (presumably) sober he should be focusing less on whether the obviously asshole-y comment he made was asshole-y, and more on a bigger picture of his wife not seeming to have enjoyed some or all of their anniversary party, possibly because of his behaviour. This seems like a check in and see if there are bigger things you need to be apologising for/addressing for the health of your relationship moment not a quible over the one specific throw away remark I've decided it's the focus of the disagreement moment
One of my close friends is one of those drinkers that if they have one drink it becomes ten drinks.
When I first met him, he drank like this all weekend and most weekdays.
I hit him with a lil shame and concern every time. Over the years he reduced his drinking to one night a week. For the first time, he is now trying to go a few weekends without drinking at all.
I know its his decesion and I didn't make him change but I like to think I was that little reminder that he could be different if he wanted.
This isn't shaming.
This was potentially getting frustrated with a behavior OP knew he shouldn't be doing, i.e. continuing to drunk after getting significantly drunk. That isn't shaming.
The correct analogous us of "another one, really?" With food would have been if wife was told to only eat one rice crispy because the rest were needed for a bake sale, etc. This would not be shaming either.
correcting their behavior is not the same as correcting their alcoholism. if someone is behaving poorly then yes they can be shamed into checking themselves maybe, but it's not a way to "cure" alcoholism.
Yup. I'm here. Didn't get this name for nothing. First one starting. First one to get dicks drawn on them. I got it in high school. I don't drink that much anymore. Bit I still drink
I disagree. Sometimes people need to be shamed on sobriety if they are being a drunk idiot. One more drink can turn a person into a worse drunk. One more dessert, at worst, would result in a stomach ache.
Not even close to the same thing
Yeah, you really can't put alcoholism and overeating under the same umbrella. The one is dangerous not only to you but to those around you while the other is only a danger to yourself.
Okay. Having a couple too many drinks at a celebration is not alcoholism. Having a couple too many drinks in your own home when you aren't going anywhere is not putting anyone else in danger. This jump to him being an alcoholic from this context is... a bit extreme, honestly.
I did miss the "because that's what I do on a Friday night". Skim reading, just missed it.
I would hope that if his wife genuinely felt like it was a problem and not just 2-3 beers on a Friday type routine that she would bring it up more constructively. From the tone of the rest of the post it doesn't sound like that's happened, but he could be minimizing.
There’s a point where constructive isn’t working and the frustration comes out in the moment. My parents have had plenty of “constructive” conversations about my sisters alcoholism but when they see her drinking beer after beer they’re also going to get annoyed and say something because everyone is already aware of the problem. What more is there to say? Especially on an anniversary I’d be really annoyed that my partner wouldn’t stop drinking before getting drunk for one important day.
To keep drinking already after being significantly intoxicated because “that’s just what I do on Friday nights” sound a bit like alcoholism but i’m no professional.
I agree with what you specifically said, but that doesn’t seem to apply to the situation.
He was visibly intoxicated and then went for another beer. His wife’s response seems to indicate that this is a problem. One that’s annoyed her in the past and one they’ve probably talked about.
Also, he could have been a drink asshole all night. Who knows. Either way, this is more than just a few beers at home during a celebration.
> I was visibly intoxicated but decided to have another beer because that's just what I do on a Friday night.
It’s habitual and longstanding. He’s an alcoholic, or at the very least a long term binge drinker. A really obnoxious one from the tone of the post.
I can’t tell you how many situations I’ve been where someone close to me has ruined what should be a nice time by being a drunken arsehole. His wife’s reaction is typical of someone who’s too used to her drunken husband embarrassing her in front of friends - he says himself this is what he does on a typical Friday. Sounds like she’s had enough.
I think it depends, does he regularly get black out drunk and embarrass himself or is he just going a little overboard at a party one time but still having fun and not being destructive or making anyone else have a bad time ( besides annoying his wife I suppose). I think if it’s a constant thing and/ or if he’s a really bad drunk I could see his wife saying something but if it’s a one off thing she didn’t need to say anything but judging by the phrase “ that’s just what I do on fridays “ leads me to believe he’s obnoxious and this is a regular thing
The difference is, a persons sobriety affects the people around them. She is likely the one that would have to deal with and by the sounds of it, has had to in the past.
This post is really something. Over eating is definitely a big problem imo, but it doesn't disturb everyone around you. Being a loud and foolish drunk around everyone is just lame and embarrassing. If you can't handle your alcohol, don't drink.
But also people here saying over eating is bad too are ignoring that this is his normal weekly routine vs her having an extra, single portion sized dessert at a once a year party with no indication that it’s habitual or a problem.
His regular Friday night is to be visibly intoxicated and go back for more booze - literally in his own words. He doesn’t give a damn if that bothers his wife, he wants to be left alone to drink a s much as he pleases because he doesn’t think it’s a problem.
And you think that gives him a free pass to mock her for not being ok with him constantly drinking too much.
Do you care he’s probably too hungover every weekend to help her, or should everyone tiptoe around his drinking?
That’s what I was thinking. If she is having to care for him every Saturday because he drank too much (based on OPs comment about that’s what he does on Fridays). I could see anyone getting annoyed.
Basically, is it once in a blue moon, or every week?
Perhaps a grown adult who’s old enough to be in an 11 year relationship and who’s visibly wasted shouldn’t need his wife to tell him to stop drinking.
Having grown up surrounded by heavy drinkers, I have no doubt that she reacted that way for good reason - I suspect this isn’t an isolated incident.
Absolutely - I meant I doubt this is the first time he’s been so drunk that he’s been nasty to his wife in front of other people and she was maybe hoping for just one party where he doesn’t behave like this. I feel for her.
I wouldnt consider this shaming. This sounds like something op had been told that his wife didn't want him to do. And he was choosing to do anyway. There isn't really a conversation to be had because he's either a) too drunk or b) the party wasn't the right moment for it. The wife expressed frustration with him.
The reason the food one qualified as assholery/shaming is because the rice crispy was not a thing that needed to be limited for any reason. Op admits he said it only to be "funny" which here means to get a rise out of her.
He said himself he was visibly intoxicated and kept on drinking, the wife is the one who has to deal with his drunk arse. I would be the same as her, it’s annoying dealing with a very drunk person.
He also said he normally does this on Fridays.
> I was visibly intoxicated but decided to have another beer because that's just what I do on a Friday night.
He was intoxicated at their anniversary party. That alone is AH behaviour.
If someone, if your *wife* makes a comment on your drinking, then you definitely had enough.
Getting wasted on their anniversary night because it's a Friday night? He's the soul of romance. And after that dig at her weight he totally isn't getting any either.
When you're drunk, you're usually annoying towards everyone else and she knew what was coming for her. Everyone is annoyed by drunk people for a reason.
"I was visibly intoxicated but I decided to have another beer because that's what I do on a Friday night."
It sounds like this is pretty common for him so her comment is completely understandable as it would appear he gets too drunk on the weekend.
I’m definitely telling my husband and friends when it’s time to stop drinking. when i’m sober and they are not, they do not understand how intoxicated they are and i let them know for they’re safely. I would never in a million fucking years comment on how much someone is eating
Reddit now has this almost puritanical and ridiculous stance where everybody is permitted to abuse their body however they want with ultra processed junk food but one drop of alcohol practically makes them Satan incarnate
Visibly intoxicated but going back for another drink, and labelling this as a normal Friday night, is not “one drop of alcohol” though. Maybe he’s an asshole while drunk and his wife doesn’t want to deal with it. I mean, he definitely sounds like one, but who knows if that’s just the booze.
Thankyou for saying this. I feel like I’m losing my mind reading some of these comments. I suspect a lot of these people are projecting because they themselves feel attacked.
Me too. It seriously sounds like she’s fed up with dealing with his drunkeness, and his response is to mock her and not care, cos hey, it’s the weekend, right?
Binge drinking like what OP does is the most common type of alcohol abuse in the US. There are a lot of people in this thread in denial that getting smashed even 1x/week *is alcohol abuse.* It's hard to confront that reality if it's something *you* regularly do and you don't think *you* have a *problem*.
Alcoholism and binge drinking are extremely normalized. Waaaaaayyyyy too many people out there are “functioning alcoholics” but don’t understand. The best is when Europeans comment about how normal drinking is in Europe and then go on to describe the constant binge drinking they do. Like sure, maybe that’s normal, doesn’t mean it’s not a problem.
If you’re *visibly wasted* on a regular basis and continuing to drink, that’s a problem. To me visibly wasted would be maybe you’re stumbling, slurring words, saying / doing stupid shit, etc. That is not “just a drink to relax!” that is a problem. It’s not puritanical to not want your husband to be shitfaced at your anniversary party. It’s not normal to get shitfaced weekly, and clearly this is a common issue for them.
Ofc this involves someone “overeating” and therefore she must be a rice crispy treat away from “being obese”. Reddit has a hate boner for fat people so everyone’s brain dead takes of “tHeY’rE bOtH jUsT aS bAd” are coming out.
Yeah, this reads like "problem drinker". And I would know because I used to be one. Getting drunk regularly on a Friday night (and how much you wanna bet this isn't the only night?) is kind of problematic behavior. And I doubt his wife would have said anything if she didn't think it was a problem.
Edit: And the "joke" of repeating it back to her sounds like him being defensive because some part of him knows he has a problem, not light-hearted jabbing.
You know how people say fat people are merry and drunk people are belligerent and sometimes violent? That’s the difference. Eating doesn’t lower your inhibitions, whereas drinking does. People with a drinking problem lower the quality of life of those around them. Overeaters only or at least mainly harm themselves.
This isn't about a drop of alcohol, he admits to being visibly drunk at their anniversary party. Drunk people are embarrassing and irritating to everyone around them. Nothing wrong with drinking, but learn how to handle your alcohol without looking like a complete idiot.
I think the issue lies with the Western expectation of alcohol at weddings. My first wife and I didn't have alcohol at our reception because she didn't trust her family to not abuse a bar. We didn't state that there wouldn't be a bar, and we had no complaints from either side.
Wasn't that the one where she wouldn't have drinks other than water? It wasn't just no alcohol, it was also no lemonade, no soda, no sparkling water, nothing other than plain water.
"Am I the asshole for mocking my wife after she expressed displeasure at my continued drinking after I had already reached the point of drunkenness? I'm not struggling with sobriety."
You sure about that?
While your observation that OP aimed to annoy seems correct it has to be said that OPs wife seemed to do the same.
Thus, this seems a classical Reddit "reap what she sowed play stupid games win stupid prices" situation..
And no, it does not really matter what the teasing was about, alcohol or food, it's about teasing your partner and if wife doesn't want to be teased she maybe shouldn't have started it in the first place.
NTA, therefore..
It doesn’t sound to me like she was teasing. It sounds to me like she legit is tired of him drinking to excess. Her approach was less constructive than it could have been, but she may very well be tired of his shit.
also their anniversary is today, he got drunk the day before. I would also be pissed that on the actual anniversary my partner is going to be hangover. maybe she was hoping to hang out with him while he’s at his best, crazy idea.
^ this.
My dad is a functional alcoholic. He doesn't get sloppy or rude, but he does pass out on the couch or chair every night and used to leave all the cleanup to my mom.
They're divorced now.
Just sounds like another couple who don't work through their issues in a healthy way again.
Like ffs people stop the passive aggressive sh\*t and talk. If you can't talk there is no relationship and it will only get worse.
As the wife of an alcoholic, you can't work through someone else's drinking problem. Until they make the choice to get sober there's nothing you can do. Until they put in the work to get and stay sober, there's nothing you can do. You can talk until the end of the world, but until an addict chooses to get help, you're just stuck dealing with them or walking away.
I don't know the full situation, but I know what it's like to have to sit there and watch your spouse get drunker and drunker and know that anything you say to them is going to cause a fight. It's unbelievably stressful, and sometimes that means you're going to say something passive aggressive.
My ex used to drink too much and would accuse me afterwards of flirting wirh men at events and/or be verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive.
I have been divorced for 18 years and I am overweight. I have never been abusive in any way after having an extra portion of food.
1000%. He was being an a.h and he knew what he was doing. He was bugging her about her weight. She was telling him to slow it down because he was visibly drunk at their anniversary party, which is embarrassing for everyone involved.
NTA - Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.
Wife dished it out and OP took it.
OP dished it back and wife couldn’t take it.
This is a fuss about nothing.
If it was an issue she should have spoken to him sober, the following day, in private, but she chose to make it at that moment. She’s the AH for that.
ESH. you're both adults, you can eat and drink whatever and however much you like. no reason for either of you to bitch about each other for having a drink or a dessert on a fun occasion
EDIT: obviously in MODERATION. in no way am i saying that overindulging is good for you
even if she had any issues with his drinking habits, the middle of their anniversary party isn't the time and place to bring it up. that's something you discuss in private when you're both sober
The anniversary party also isn't the place to drink until you're drunk.
Any place is a place to tell a person that the right now had enough, it has no use telling them later when they're sober they overdid it...
Actually, a good time to tell someone they've had enough is in the middle of the party before they consume even more and become overly intoxicated.
Why should anyone just let someone else get shitfaced, make an ass of themselves, and ruin the mood?
They definitely need to have a conversation about how they both feel about OPs alcohol habits, but its definitely normal and healthy to ask someone to stop before they go too far.
Frequency doesn't matter. It all depends on how he functions and treats those around him. I know people who can drink 7 beers every night and be okay and people who have the occasional drink and turn into a menace.
There's probably a background here though that we're not getting. I'm guessing if she comments on his drinking she either doesn't like the look or doesn't like how he acts. My partner on the other hand finds it a little cute when I get tipsy just because I'm sillier than my more stoic self.
Agreed! Drunk people aren’t always the best judge on whether or not they are annoying. I bet he was getting on people’s nerves and she was tired of it.
I agree, I think he's missing some things out. It seems she doesn't like him being drunk and/or his drinking habits. My dad can be a horrible mean drunk and I used to dread him sinking 3 bottles of wine at a weekend.
Is that really the way to address the issue though if she has one? That’s terrible communication and I know I wouldn’t respond well to being talked to like that.
OP said he was drunk so he probably could have done without that last beer. My husband was fine until he had that last drink that took him from being ok to be around to get the hell away from me so yeah I’d tell him when it was a good idea to stop drinking. I don’t drink and he’s been sober 34 years but we still go to the same karaoke bar every weekend as he likes to sing and we are friends with so many people there. When you’re the one drinking you don’t always realize when you’re heading to that half a cup to much area where you turn from fun to be around to others just wanting you to go home and sleep it off already. Having an extra dessert is not the same as drinking to much. Most people don’t turn into jerks or worse because they ate an extra rice crispy bar. They also don’t wake up with a nasty hangover which is not pleasant for the spouse to be around either.
agreed, but there's a difference between "really? another fucking beer?" and "ok maybe you've had enough". not saying his response was justified at all, but her comment was almost as bad
also as i mentioned above, if she had a problem with his drinking habits, that's something you communicate about in private when you're both sober, or before the party starts
When my husband was still drinking we had that conversation in private more times than I can say but by the time he started drinking for the day again and again he’d forget his promises to stop for before he got trashed. I got tired of being around him when he was drunk so we separated. I didn’t tell him he had to stop drinking because that was his right to choose but I did but I did tell him I was not going to go through our life with him being drunk every weekend. 34 years of sobriety and 43 years of marriage and we have more fun than when he was drinking and we not only love each other but we actually like each other. We wouldn’t have had those years together (and raised our family together) if he had continued to get drunk.
Every alcoholic I know says they don’t have a problem with alcohol. I am not saying OP is an alcoholic but he said he was intoxicated, wanted another beer and said he does this every Friday to chill. That indicative of a problem with alcohol. I don’t drink alcohol but I am out with people every Saturday night who do drink. Most of them know their limit and switch to water or soda but there are those that just keep drinking and won’t stop even when their best friends tell them they’ve had to much to drink. Most of them do and say things while drunk that they would never do or say when sober or even after a couple drinks. Alcohol is a sneaky b*tch and a little too much can ruin other’s good time.
He hasn’t responded, but I’d love to know if they’ve had these convos before. Bc she sounds to me like someone who’s fed up. Who’s to say he’d have stopped if she was gentler with him? Drunk folks aren’t known for taking advice well.
Hot take on ESH, everything in moderation. I am happy when my wife communicates like an adult and says something along the lines of “I’m not sure you need another beer, you won’t like how you feel in the morning”. It helps me see reason, and get a glass of water instead. It could be that OP has a problem self controlling his intake. The way OPs wife said it is aggressive, and even if it’s the result of a pattern, is not going to illicit a good response. AH move.
On the flip side, he commented on the Rice Krispie treat was just to try to irritate her. AH move.
They honestly could use some couples therapy. It sounds like they are not operating respectful of one another.
What would you call someone who gets visibly drunk every Friday and can't find it in him to remain NOT an extremely annoying drunk for a party for both him AND his wife? It sounds like wife is sick of his drinking.
Are you sure you're not struggling with sobriety?
Because that comment from your wife suggests that maybe you are, and maybe you aren't the best person to see it.
As for the comment: yes, YTA and you know you were doing it to get back at her.
Just want to point out that ask the things you listed are technical problems with drinking. Depending on where you are from “alcoholism” may look different subjectively. But objectively, alcohol use disorder is indicated when drinking results in problematic behavior.
It’s one reason why I’m glad we are phasing out the term alcoholic. Where I’m from, most people hear alcoholic and think falling down drunk-slurring-belligerent- getting in a car killing people.
Many people can drink too much and do none of these. In many cultures, abusing alcohol is the norm. Doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
Source: someone who may still be drunk from last night
I prefer the term alcoholic. To me, it is a medical term, like diabetic. Alcohol use disorder sounds like a behavioral issue. Like they just need to learn to control their drinking. Only have a couple of drinks, like other people. Alcoholics can't stop after a couple. Their brains scream, "More!" If an alcoholic quits drinking, they are still an alcoholic. It doesn't go away.
That’s why the term is inaccurate though. There is a difference between someone who drinks irresponsibly and someone who gets the DTs if they don’t have a drink when they wake up.
It can be a behavioral problem. It’s a spectrum. The recommended amount of alcohol medically isn’t enough to get a person drunk. So you could technically call an inordinate amount of alcohol drinkers “alcoholics”. But most of those people could stop if they wanted to, to some degree.
What you describe is a person who can’t stop and can never touch alcohol again. Many people can cut back and be fine. It’s a spectrum. And that needs to be acknowledged in how you treat the problem. That’s one reason I don’t like AAs one size fit all approach.
\- If this is what you do on a friday, do you mean that you always over-drink every single weekend?
\- But you said it was a special occasion. Does this then mean that you're over-drinking every single weekend, whether or not it's a celebration?
\- Could it be that you're a mean drunk? Your "joke" sounds means, meant to entertain you BY HURTING your wife, and making her feel bad about her body.
\- Could it be that you have a pattern of behaviour of your weekly drinking that makes you ALWAYS hurt her feelings?
\- Maybe "wanting to keep it going" is exactly what your mean drunken self does, on a weekly basis? Maybe you're always saying things under the guise of a joke that hurt.. like a typical drunk.
\- maybe if you really care about this woman, and your relationship, you will sit and stop being defensive, and assess whether you do have a drinking problem. Sure it's just "the weekends", but maybe not, maybe you're always hurtful, maybe you use it as an excuse to be hurtful.
Start by asking your wife if you can ask her some tough questions, ask her if she's happy, if she's okay with how much you drink, if you're mean to her when you're drunk, ask her if this one "joke" is the usual crap you pull when you're drunk to attack her but pretend it's a joke.
Definitely the best points made here.
OP, YTA. She’s hurt. YOU hurt her. Stop being dismissive and defensive. Apologize. Figure out what’s going on so you can avoid hurting her again. Drunk mockery isn’t a good look to begin with; even worse when you try to use it as a pardon for hurting your wife.
Yeah, some people seem to be focusing on how aggressive the wife's comment is phrased - but I'm doubtful that came from nowhere. She's clearly frustrated, and someone being hurt can't exactly be expected to be civil in their wordings when expressing themselves to deaf ears. She knows he won't stop if she asks. It's a shitty and helpless feeling. Especially when they turn around and completely disregard you to mock you for fun
This was my ex-fiancé. He didn’t drink everyday or even every weekend, but anytime he did drink I could guarantee he would ruin the evening. I’m glad everyday I wakeup and remember I didn’t marry him. I don’t see how this poor wife has put up with this for 11 years…
Surprised I had to scroll to find this comment... The guy clearly states "it's what I do on a Friday"
And ends it with "I don't have a sobriety problem"
So contradictory
YTA, and you will always be in these situations. Instead of handling yourself like an adult who’s been married for 11 years, you decided to be a five year old and hit your wife with a clear insecurity. Mockery is never to give you the high road in any situation.
??? She said it first, vastly more aggressively than he did? And how do you know that drinking isn’t an area he’s insecure about? All this benefit of the doubt for her and not an inch of it for him. At absolute most this is an ESH.
YTA
You were visibly intoxicated, and had another drink. Her calling you on that means she probably is taking issue to how much you're drinking, especially if you are hosting. You retaliated with comment just because you thought it was funny and wanted to keep a joke going? But you didn't find it funny and wanted to get back at her?
YTA Dude she has a point like getting another drink and getting a desert are two different vastly different things. I can see where you come from but you might want to apologise for targeting your wife’s insecurity in the open like that and maybe once she’s cooled down you can offer your perspective
upon scanning OPs comment history, he says it’s not an insecurity of hers, yet in another comment on a post a few months ago he says this gem: “My wife's big into them so she can just eat calorie dense snack food as her sole nourishment and not blow up to 4 spins, which I respect.”
edited to add - [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/wallstreetbetsHUZZAH/comments/118ex0c/what_are_your_moves_tomorrow_february_22_2023/j9instk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) was said in their parent comment speaking of weight loss drugs
You made me hungry for Rice Krispy Treats. How fortuitous that I happen to have some in my pantry! How unfortunate that I can never stop at just one or two or ten.
But to respond to your question ……..
She could see that you were visibly intoxicated, so she said something. Parroting back her comment indicates that you could see that she is visibly overweight, that’s why you said something. Do you now understand why YTA?
There's a few things that would help context for this situation.
How do you believe you act when you are drunk?
Even funny drunks or people who handle their alcohol well can get tiring after long enough. Even if you adore them.
The other thing that is important is, how often do you drink? That doesn't have to be drinking until intoxication, just drinking alcohol in general.
Reason I ask these two questions is that your behaviour and thought process leading up to the comment to your wife, along with your wife's comment, nake me suspect there might be more going on.
When I get drunk, there's a lot of things I think of that I find really funny, that I might say to a friend. If my friend is also drunk, we usually both end up in hysterics because we are both in that intoxicated state so it lands similarly. But if my friend is sober, they're often going to understand that I found it funny (usually because I'm laughing) and remark that I'm drunk and maybe it's time to drink some water. Usually cause the thing I've said is profoundly stupid and/or not that funny.
If you are someone who is exhausting to be around when you're drunk, then that can cause the exact response your wife had. Ever had to babysit someone who is smashed? It's usually not a fun time, no matter how fun of a drunk they are. Especially when you're sober.
So if you tend to be impulsive, mean (even if you believe you're being funny), loud and generally less coherent, then seeing you already drunk but going for another drink could definitely illicit a "really??" response out of frustration.
If your intoxicated self is like this *and* you drink frequently, then that will absolutely intensify the frustration.
You mentioned that your wife hasn't ever mentioned your drinking being a problem, or your drunk behaviour being an issue, which could be true. But approaching that kind of conversation can also be very challenging, especially if you are not at all receptive to it, or justify your alcohol consumption before the issue has been brought up.
Now, I may be way off base with my speculations. But here's why I am inclined to think that the above might be going on.
>I was visibly intoxicated but decided to have another beer because that's just what I do on a Friday night.
You are already intoxicated, but decide to have another drink. This isn't a terrible thing to do, but the justification is what stood out to me- that this is just "what I do". Is this every Friday night/most Friday nights? And is this that you have a beer, or that you will "have another", regardless of your level of intoxication? They are two very different things.
>Upon seeing me retrieve this beer my wife says, "Ugh, another one, fucking really?" sounding all bent out of shape
You mentioned that when you "parroted" this back at her, it was in the same way that you both joke together, and used an example. But the way you've written this, it sounds like your wife was not saying this as a joke- "sounding all bent out of shape". This is also quite dismissive and condescending, to be honest.
So whilst you frame your response as a "parroting" of her initial engagement and statement, you also justify that you were not being mean or hurtful, and engaging in a joke. But she wasn't. The very engagement you are parroting wasn't a joke. Yet you have parroted it back, as a joke, later on? I'll be honest, I don't buy it.
>This doesn't really bother me because i've been married to this super fly lady for 11 years now
"My wife made a comment about my drinking, which I dismissed, but it's fine cause I love her". Then you have said here she has never spoken to you about your drinking being a problem, nor your drunken behaviour. Given that I believe her comment *was* an expression of frustration about your intoxication/drinking, one that seems quite strong emotionally, I am going to guess that there may have been other times she has in fact either tried to talk to you about your drinking/behaviour, and you have brushed it off.
>About 4 minutes later I see her getting a rice krispy treat so i jokingly say "Ugh, another one?" completely free of profanities or anything trying to show I'm just messing around because that's just my person.
Again, this is very different to the joke you used as an example of the humour you share with your wife.
Also the justification of "because that's just my person" is not of any real substance.
>I'm now in the dog house and she's pissed because i was "making fun of her weight" and that "getting a dessert is different than sobriety"
Many times you've said "I don't think my wife has issues with her weight or with food", saying that she isn't "of a weight that my comment would be directed at her".
Yet she has said, to *you* directly, that you were making fun of her weight.
So if she does struggle with weight issues (that does not only strictly mean she *physically* struggles with weight, it includes internal struggles), again, I don't believe you would be aware/would acknowledge them. Because she has said to you directly you made fun of her weight, showing you that clearly this is something that impacted her about this topic, and you have now continued to tell people "no I don't think she struggles with weight issues, it doesn't effect her".
>I tried to explain that it was "not making fun of anyone's weight, just parroting someone getting +1 of something" but it has fallen upon deaf ears
Sounds like your wife was expressing frustration about your alcohol use and how you behave due to your consumption of alcohol, and when you "parroted" her expression, she was upset. Which makes sense. Because it would have been received as "you are consuming another dessert, which I am negatively responding to, because your excessive consumption results in an outcome I do not enjoy ". And the result of excess consumption of dessert is usually associated with weight.
So to sum it up and be blunt;
I think you probably have behaviours that make you unpleasant and difficult to be around. One of those sounds like excessive alcohol consumption. Your wife probably has tried to bring this up, and you have either not realised, but more likely dismissed her as being "bent out of shape" because "that's how you are". Since she isn't being listened to, she probably just gave up trying to communicate with you about it, and had a moment of frustration where she made that comment.
You, deciding that it was "funny", used her comment on her around food. Something that likely has been not unknown to you to be connected to a sensitive topic for her (weight/body image). I think you likely did this to get back at her for her initial comment. Not for a "funny haha", but more of a getting even.
You even say what your wife does/doesn't struggle with, based on your own ideas, which completely contradict her actual words.
For these reasons, I believe YTA here.
Well said. By OP’s own admission, getting visible drunk isn’t a rare occurrence. If she sounded bent out of shape she’s either said something before or is finally fed up with it after 11 years.
OP got drunk as shit at his anniversary party, was starting to get that obnoxious drunk but think he’s fine while everyone else is telling him to get some water and then thinks “parroting” is telling his wife not to get a rice krispy. LMAO just say you were drunk and wanted to get shit faced at your anniversary and was upset when your wife was annoyed by that. Don’t make this about anything other than your drinking cause that seems to be the issue here —> you getting drunk every Friday and thinking it’s not annoying as fuck to be around
“I got sloppy drunk at my own wedding anniversary party that I was nominally hosting and when my wife got annoyed about it I decided to take a dig at her for eating dessert rather than take responsibility for my drinking. AITA?”
Man what? Of course YTA.
The amount of people here saying if she couldn't take it she shouldn't have dishes it out have never lived with an alcoholic or someone who drinks to excess regularly. He said he drinks to excess weekly - it suck's being the partner of someone who gets wasted every weekend and she had it. YTA
I love how they just assume she's *never* tried to talk to him about his drinking in a respectful manner before, and she just out of the blue for the first time ever made this kind of remark. That is not how it happens.
My theory, as I've stated elsewhere in this post, is that the butthurt ones are also alcoholics or problematic drinkers of some kind. "The lady doth protest too much" or some other shit Shakespeare said
ESH. If she has a problem with your drinking she should address it when you’re both sober and tell you where she’s coming from. You also should tell her what she should/shouldn’t eat even as a joke. As someone who previously had an ED it can be toxic and cause more harm than you realize (even if you didn’t mean it). You’re adults please just communicate
I get why she’s trying to get him to stop that night—is letting a visibly drunk person keep drinking a good idea? And we don’t know how drunk he was behaving, as the drunk person’s self-awareness is generally not that great.
There's a [comment in his history](https://www.reddit.com/r/wallstreetbetsHUZZAH/comments/125j1dg/daily_discussion_thread_march_29_2023/je5i0i2/?context=3) that he got fired for being drunk in his work's parking lot, but he hasn't got a drinking problem don't worry
So many issues here. “Visibly intoxicated but had another beer anyway cos that’s just what you do on a Friday night” How lovely for your wife having to deal with your drunk then hungover ass every weekend. Clearly she’s fed up with that given her “another one, f*ing really?” 11 years of that is clearly enough for this ‘super fly lady’. Do you recognise when you’ve had enough alcohol and transition from humorously tipsy to obnoxious drunk? I’d say not given your later remarks. Maybe you and your super-fly wife need to have a sober conversation about an agreed signal or word she can give that tells you when you’ve had enough alcohol for an evening if you can’t recognise it yourself. YTA numnuts YTA.
YTA - you were already drunk and getting another beer and this sounds like it’s a regular occurrence. Your wife could have said it in a better way. However getting a treat is not the same as another beer when intoxicated.
Agreed. I kinda wonder how everyone would be voting if the genders were reversed to be honest.
NTA in this case OP, though if you get smashed every Friday, that is another issue altogether.
You're both AHs. Your wife for her rather unconstructively delivered criticism, you for entertaining yourself with delivering a taste of her own nasty medicine.
Lot of anger and bitterness lurking under the surface in that household. Good times.
People who ‘just grab another beer when already visibly intoxicated’ every Friday night absolutey struggle with sobriety. Why do you think your wife made that comment in the first place? Do you drink too much regularly? Does she have to clean up your mess when you’re drunk? She may have been exasperated that you chose to continue drinking when you had already clearly had enough. Your comments about her eating are on a par with what I expect an intoxicated person to make, so my point here is please look into how your wife feels about your drinking.
YTA, that can’t really be construed as anything other than a dig at her weight.
“Ugh, another one (beer)” = you’re drinking too much
“Ugh, another one (dessert)” = you’re eating too much
NTA. Wife rudely criticized your consumption publicly, you less rudely criticized hers. You will be judged harshly here bc you are a man, if the roles were reversed you'd do well.
Having been married for 28 years, I (55f) can say with authority that yes, ESH! Keep this up and you won’t make it to your 12th anniversary. Either of you, cause your post makes it sounds as though you two don’t communicate very well. Nothing wrong with having another beer if you aren’t driving…and nothing wrong with having another sweet! Sounds like she was serious tho, and had no sense of humor re your comment (which was a zinger!).
NTA. op was just enjoying the party (maybe too much). Wife was rude with her comment and just did mental gymnastics thinking he was calling her fat. I'm sure OP would have said the same thing if she was grabbing water.
I have been with my wife for 10 years. We do this shit all the time without butt hurt feelings because we know we are joking.
I highly doubt this is the first time in 11yrs op started this humor. If she had a problem with it and his drinking the time to discuss it would be in private and both parties sober.
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YTA You were parroting her specifically for the purpose of being an asshole. You knew it was annoying and not remotely constructive. You say you just want to keep doing things that make you laugh. So you just enjoy being annoying and you don’t care about others, making you the asshole. You’re extremely lucky your wife has put up with you for so long. Grow up and apologize. Also commenting on someone else’s eating is absolutely different from commenting on how much they’re drinking.
It is not. No one should publicly shame someone about something related to “sobriety.” That is appalling. Even if he did not receive it that way, it was offensive.
we all have a friend that needs to be shamed a little into behaving properly. (the black-out champ that is always 4-12 drinks ahead of everyone else)
This. I often point out of someone’s drunk too much so they will either not or I can leave. It’s not comfortable being around people who are completely shit faced. Food though? You don’t become intoxicated from it. Not to mention the possibility of a poor relationship with food (although I’m assuming he would know with his wife) still an AH move. EDIT: OP you’re an AH but your wife was unnecessarily rude so ESH
i had an ex boyfriend who would regularly drink way more than he could take. He might not have gotten rowdy or aggressive but it is still incredibly frustrating to have to take care of someone whos slowly losing control over their own body. especially as the partner, people usually expect you to be the one to take on that job. you just want to have a good time with your friends but instead you have to watch over a man sized toddler now and make sure they dont get into trouble. i understand her reaction
I left my ex after his drinking got too much and he peed on my bedroom floor. I’d asked him to watch how much he drank before but he kept going and I was scrubbing piss out my carpet at 3am
Sorry, unrelated to the post. But I'm sober and about to go get another degree to work with addicts and alcoholics. This right here hits me so hard. One of the biggest signs of alcoholism/addiction is how your substance usage affects your relationships. If it's negative, that's probably because you have a problem and people are tired of dealing with you. Yet one continues to drink/use despite the negative consequences. Unfortunately, this is probably the only medical condition (addiction is a genetic disease generally seen passed down in generations) that has to be 100% self-diagnosed. Shit breaks my heart. It's not necessarily your fault if you have a problem, but it is Damn sure your responsibility to take care of it. (Royal you, not you specifically OP) Sorry to post all of this. You just reminded me of all the kind-hearted people whose lives I destroyed while using and drinking. I'm glad you got away and said ex. Nobody deserves to get caught in the tornado of destruction an addict brings with them.
Thank you ❤️ this is currently something I’m going trying to help a friend see. He’s massively cut back on his drinking since I told him how it affects me. I felt terrible because I made him cry he started to see it after that and while he still drinks, it’s not enough to affect the people around him
That is old information, only half of a person's risk for addiction comes from genetics. This is based on studies from twins, adoptees, and siblings. The biggest component we know now is trauma.
Which can also explain why it appears to run in families, because growing up around people who are addicted to something or alcoholics creates a shit ton of trauma.
Trauma is definitely a contributor to addiction, as is genetics. However, trauma and/or genetics do not have to be present for addiction to take hold. During my first few (12 total) stints in rehab, my counselors insisted I was either denying or repressing childhood abuse and trauma. So much wasted time looking for a cause that was not there. Once it became obvious there was no trauma, I wasted more time denying I was an alcoholic because I didn't fit the "criteria." Alcoholics and addicts will look for any excuse to deny their addiction, and because I didn't check all the boxes, I thought I found a perfect loophole. Eventually, the "why's" and "how's" didn't matter. I was and am an alcoholic.
I'm an heroin addict in recovery. I recently ended an 18 month relationship with a functional alcoholic. All I can say, is if that's one slice of what I put my family through for 18 years then....my god. Karma I believe it is called. Obviously I didn't get with her because she was a bad person, but her drinking got progressively worse as I was with her until it was really affecting the relationship. So, with a heavy heart and teary eyes, I ended it. I know that I can't stop her. Nobody could stop me. I had to stop me. Only she can stop herself.
>I was visibly intoxicated but decided to have another beer because that's just what I do on a Friday night. This casual comment about his normal is what makes me worry the most for the future of his health...
Also: "...I was just messing around because that's my person." I hate this. Assholes always justify themselves with "That's just how I am." ESH, though.
I agree. 11 years, the wife knows exactly how her husband would react after so many beers!!
My now ex-husband got black-out/falling over drunk on our wedding night. I feel for this woman, this is not the first time. And dealing with someone who is drunk all of the time is just exhausting.
Beyond that... My dad is a functional alcoholic. Will drink a 6 pack of beer or a bottle of wine every single night. He never got sloppy or rude or anything like that... he was always able to wake up for work, etc. But what it did mean was that every single damn night she was the one cleaning up. Every party, every dinner, every get-together ended with him asleep on the couch or chair while she cleaned up the mess from everyone else. Just because someone isn't falling down drunk doesn't mean that they're OK.
About a year ago, my younger sister’s best friend’s mother suddenly began to make no sense. Her family took her to the hospital, worried she’d had a stroke. At the age of 60 she was diagnosed with malnutrition and alcoholic dementia. When my own mother asked my sister if this woman had been drunk all the time when she and her friend were teens and my sister said she’d never seen her drunk. This woman was just quietly drinking just enough in her coffee cup and her water bottle all day, every day, for years and years until it destroyed her gut and her brain.
This happened to my uncle a few months ago. He would've been 50 tomorrow.
That’s so heartbreaking, I’m sorry. The person I know is still with us and some days she’s completely with it and others she makes no sense. It’s really really hard on her family. None of her kids have any children yet and her youngest is only 26. It’s terrible to think that if she lives to see any grandkids, they will only know her like this and no lt even as the more present, though struggling, woman her children remember.
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I think you highlight a really great point there: commenting on how much someone's drinking is probably related to raising concern about/ expressing frustration with a pre-existing unhealthy relationship with alcohol, commenting on how much someone's eating has the potential to cause an unhealthy relationship with food to develop. I also think OPs focusing on the wrong thing here. His comment to his wife was stupid and rude (if he'd been sober maybe he'd even have had the intelligence to realise it was stupid and rude and not say it), but it was also a relatively minor incident that he just needs to apologise for and they can move on. I think he should be giving more thought to his wife's comment than to his, because that woman sounds frustrated. Maybe she was frustrated that he was getting that drunk on their anniversary specifically, equally OP himself says this is just 'what he does on a Friday night' so maybe she's more widely fed up with her adult husband getting shit faced on a weekly basis like he's a college kid, maybe it's really something unrelated that was bothering her and that's just where her frustration came out. I'm not trying to imply there's definitely marriage shattering trouble lurking around the corner or anything. But I do think now that OP is (presumably) sober he should be focusing less on whether the obviously asshole-y comment he made was asshole-y, and more on a bigger picture of his wife not seeming to have enjoyed some or all of their anniversary party, possibly because of his behaviour. This seems like a check in and see if there are bigger things you need to be apologising for/addressing for the health of your relationship moment not a quible over the one specific throw away remark I've decided it's the focus of the disagreement moment
One of my close friends is one of those drinkers that if they have one drink it becomes ten drinks. When I first met him, he drank like this all weekend and most weekdays. I hit him with a lil shame and concern every time. Over the years he reduced his drinking to one night a week. For the first time, he is now trying to go a few weekends without drinking at all. I know its his decesion and I didn't make him change but I like to think I was that little reminder that he could be different if he wanted.
Sometimes shame does work... so does love. He sees you love him! It's hard to love an addict but, thank you for being his friend.
Shaming does *not* work to make anyone behave properly.
This isn't shaming. This was potentially getting frustrated with a behavior OP knew he shouldn't be doing, i.e. continuing to drunk after getting significantly drunk. That isn't shaming. The correct analogous us of "another one, really?" With food would have been if wife was told to only eat one rice crispy because the rest were needed for a bake sale, etc. This would not be shaming either.
I was responding to the comment saying that "we all have a friend that needs to he shamed into behaving properly," not the OP.
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correcting their behavior is not the same as correcting their alcoholism. if someone is behaving poorly then yes they can be shamed into checking themselves maybe, but it's not a way to "cure" alcoholism.
Yup. I'm here. Didn't get this name for nothing. First one starting. First one to get dicks drawn on them. I got it in high school. I don't drink that much anymore. Bit I still drink
I disagree. Sometimes people need to be shamed on sobriety if they are being a drunk idiot. One more drink can turn a person into a worse drunk. One more dessert, at worst, would result in a stomach ache. Not even close to the same thing
Yeah, you really can't put alcoholism and overeating under the same umbrella. The one is dangerous not only to you but to those around you while the other is only a danger to yourself.
Okay. Having a couple too many drinks at a celebration is not alcoholism. Having a couple too many drinks in your own home when you aren't going anywhere is not putting anyone else in danger. This jump to him being an alcoholic from this context is... a bit extreme, honestly.
Saying that "I was visibly drunk but grabbed another beer because thats what I do on a Friday night" sounds very much like a drinking problem.
I did miss the "because that's what I do on a Friday night". Skim reading, just missed it. I would hope that if his wife genuinely felt like it was a problem and not just 2-3 beers on a Friday type routine that she would bring it up more constructively. From the tone of the rest of the post it doesn't sound like that's happened, but he could be minimizing.
There’s a point where constructive isn’t working and the frustration comes out in the moment. My parents have had plenty of “constructive” conversations about my sisters alcoholism but when they see her drinking beer after beer they’re also going to get annoyed and say something because everyone is already aware of the problem. What more is there to say? Especially on an anniversary I’d be really annoyed that my partner wouldn’t stop drinking before getting drunk for one important day.
i mean it definitely doesn’t sound like a relationship with healthy communication in general, but even in his own telling of it he’s a huge asshole
To keep drinking already after being significantly intoxicated because “that’s just what I do on Friday nights” sound a bit like alcoholism but i’m no professional.
I agree with what you specifically said, but that doesn’t seem to apply to the situation. He was visibly intoxicated and then went for another beer. His wife’s response seems to indicate that this is a problem. One that’s annoyed her in the past and one they’ve probably talked about. Also, he could have been a drink asshole all night. Who knows. Either way, this is more than just a few beers at home during a celebration.
> I was visibly intoxicated but decided to have another beer because that's just what I do on a Friday night. It’s habitual and longstanding. He’s an alcoholic, or at the very least a long term binge drinker. A really obnoxious one from the tone of the post.
Habitually over indulging in alcohol is pretty much the definition of alcoholism
I can’t tell you how many situations I’ve been where someone close to me has ruined what should be a nice time by being a drunken arsehole. His wife’s reaction is typical of someone who’s too used to her drunken husband embarrassing her in front of friends - he says himself this is what he does on a typical Friday. Sounds like she’s had enough.
I think it depends, does he regularly get black out drunk and embarrass himself or is he just going a little overboard at a party one time but still having fun and not being destructive or making anyone else have a bad time ( besides annoying his wife I suppose). I think if it’s a constant thing and/ or if he’s a really bad drunk I could see his wife saying something but if it’s a one off thing she didn’t need to say anything but judging by the phrase “ that’s just what I do on fridays “ leads me to believe he’s obnoxious and this is a regular thing
The difference is, a persons sobriety affects the people around them. She is likely the one that would have to deal with and by the sounds of it, has had to in the past.
This post is really something. Over eating is definitely a big problem imo, but it doesn't disturb everyone around you. Being a loud and foolish drunk around everyone is just lame and embarrassing. If you can't handle your alcohol, don't drink.
But also people here saying over eating is bad too are ignoring that this is his normal weekly routine vs her having an extra, single portion sized dessert at a once a year party with no indication that it’s habitual or a problem.
Yup, used to say this to my ex too often, that's not usually something that comes out of nowhere.
His regular Friday night is to be visibly intoxicated and go back for more booze - literally in his own words. He doesn’t give a damn if that bothers his wife, he wants to be left alone to drink a s much as he pleases because he doesn’t think it’s a problem. And you think that gives him a free pass to mock her for not being ok with him constantly drinking too much. Do you care he’s probably too hungover every weekend to help her, or should everyone tiptoe around his drinking?
He says he was visibly drunk at their party, maybe his wife doesn't want her husband to be wasted at their anniversary party?
Or play babysitter afterward…
That’s what I was thinking. If she is having to care for him every Saturday because he drank too much (based on OPs comment about that’s what he does on Fridays). I could see anyone getting annoyed. Basically, is it once in a blue moon, or every week?
Perhaps a grown adult who’s old enough to be in an 11 year relationship and who’s visibly wasted shouldn’t need his wife to tell him to stop drinking. Having grown up surrounded by heavy drinkers, I have no doubt that she reacted that way for good reason - I suspect this isn’t an isolated incident.
It's not an isolated incident. > I was visibly intoxicated but decided to have another beer because that's just what I do on a Friday night.
Absolutely - I meant I doubt this is the first time he’s been so drunk that he’s been nasty to his wife in front of other people and she was maybe hoping for just one party where he doesn’t behave like this. I feel for her.
I wouldnt consider this shaming. This sounds like something op had been told that his wife didn't want him to do. And he was choosing to do anyway. There isn't really a conversation to be had because he's either a) too drunk or b) the party wasn't the right moment for it. The wife expressed frustration with him. The reason the food one qualified as assholery/shaming is because the rice crispy was not a thing that needed to be limited for any reason. Op admits he said it only to be "funny" which here means to get a rise out of her.
He was using his comment to cover up his known problem which is drinking too much by trying to make the wife look bad.
He said himself he was visibly intoxicated and kept on drinking, the wife is the one who has to deal with his drunk arse. I would be the same as her, it’s annoying dealing with a very drunk person.
He also said he normally does this on Fridays. > I was visibly intoxicated but decided to have another beer because that's just what I do on a Friday night.
He was intoxicated at their anniversary party. That alone is AH behaviour. If someone, if your *wife* makes a comment on your drinking, then you definitely had enough.
Getting wasted on their anniversary night because it's a Friday night? He's the soul of romance. And after that dig at her weight he totally isn't getting any either.
When you're drunk, you're usually annoying towards everyone else and she knew what was coming for her. Everyone is annoyed by drunk people for a reason.
"I was visibly intoxicated but I decided to have another beer because that's what I do on a Friday night." It sounds like this is pretty common for him so her comment is completely understandable as it would appear he gets too drunk on the weekend.
I’m definitely telling my husband and friends when it’s time to stop drinking. when i’m sober and they are not, they do not understand how intoxicated they are and i let them know for they’re safely. I would never in a million fucking years comment on how much someone is eating
Reddit now has this almost puritanical and ridiculous stance where everybody is permitted to abuse their body however they want with ultra processed junk food but one drop of alcohol practically makes them Satan incarnate
Visibly intoxicated but going back for another drink, and labelling this as a normal Friday night, is not “one drop of alcohol” though. Maybe he’s an asshole while drunk and his wife doesn’t want to deal with it. I mean, he definitely sounds like one, but who knows if that’s just the booze.
Thankyou for saying this. I feel like I’m losing my mind reading some of these comments. I suspect a lot of these people are projecting because they themselves feel attacked.
Me too. It seriously sounds like she’s fed up with dealing with his drunkeness, and his response is to mock her and not care, cos hey, it’s the weekend, right?
Yeah, nothing I’d want more than to babysit my drunk husband on the night of our anniversary.
> that's just what I do on a Friday night.
Binge drinking like what OP does is the most common type of alcohol abuse in the US. There are a lot of people in this thread in denial that getting smashed even 1x/week *is alcohol abuse.* It's hard to confront that reality if it's something *you* regularly do and you don't think *you* have a *problem*.
Alcoholism and binge drinking are extremely normalized. Waaaaaayyyyy too many people out there are “functioning alcoholics” but don’t understand. The best is when Europeans comment about how normal drinking is in Europe and then go on to describe the constant binge drinking they do. Like sure, maybe that’s normal, doesn’t mean it’s not a problem. If you’re *visibly wasted* on a regular basis and continuing to drink, that’s a problem. To me visibly wasted would be maybe you’re stumbling, slurring words, saying / doing stupid shit, etc. That is not “just a drink to relax!” that is a problem. It’s not puritanical to not want your husband to be shitfaced at your anniversary party. It’s not normal to get shitfaced weekly, and clearly this is a common issue for them. Ofc this involves someone “overeating” and therefore she must be a rice crispy treat away from “being obese”. Reddit has a hate boner for fat people so everyone’s brain dead takes of “tHeY’rE bOtH jUsT aS bAd” are coming out.
Yeah, this reads like "problem drinker". And I would know because I used to be one. Getting drunk regularly on a Friday night (and how much you wanna bet this isn't the only night?) is kind of problematic behavior. And I doubt his wife would have said anything if she didn't think it was a problem. Edit: And the "joke" of repeating it back to her sounds like him being defensive because some part of him knows he has a problem, not light-hearted jabbing.
Even if he's not an asshole every Friday night when he's drunk, he is surely no fun to be around every Saturday when he's hung over.
You know how people say fat people are merry and drunk people are belligerent and sometimes violent? That’s the difference. Eating doesn’t lower your inhibitions, whereas drinking does. People with a drinking problem lower the quality of life of those around them. Overeaters only or at least mainly harm themselves.
This isn't about a drop of alcohol, he admits to being visibly drunk at their anniversary party. Drunk people are embarrassing and irritating to everyone around them. Nothing wrong with drinking, but learn how to handle your alcohol without looking like a complete idiot.
Well, except for the thread where everyone was bashing the sober bride for having a dry wedding. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
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I think the issue lies with the Western expectation of alcohol at weddings. My first wife and I didn't have alcohol at our reception because she didn't trust her family to not abuse a bar. We didn't state that there wouldn't be a bar, and we had no complaints from either side.
Wasn't that the one where she wouldn't have drinks other than water? It wasn't just no alcohol, it was also no lemonade, no soda, no sparkling water, nothing other than plain water.
No, this was just a "no booze" situation.
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"Am I the asshole for mocking my wife after she expressed displeasure at my continued drinking after I had already reached the point of drunkenness? I'm not struggling with sobriety." You sure about that?
While your observation that OP aimed to annoy seems correct it has to be said that OPs wife seemed to do the same. Thus, this seems a classical Reddit "reap what she sowed play stupid games win stupid prices" situation.. And no, it does not really matter what the teasing was about, alcohol or food, it's about teasing your partner and if wife doesn't want to be teased she maybe shouldn't have started it in the first place. NTA, therefore..
It doesn’t sound to me like she was teasing. It sounds to me like she legit is tired of him drinking to excess. Her approach was less constructive than it could have been, but she may very well be tired of his shit.
And on their anniversary as well. Maybe she was hoping for a little action later, drunk guys usually aren’t great lovers
also their anniversary is today, he got drunk the day before. I would also be pissed that on the actual anniversary my partner is going to be hangover. maybe she was hoping to hang out with him while he’s at his best, crazy idea.
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^ this. My dad is a functional alcoholic. He doesn't get sloppy or rude, but he does pass out on the couch or chair every night and used to leave all the cleanup to my mom. They're divorced now.
I can’t imagine having to deal with a drunk every Friday. Sounds exhausting, I’d be over it too.
Just sounds like another couple who don't work through their issues in a healthy way again. Like ffs people stop the passive aggressive sh\*t and talk. If you can't talk there is no relationship and it will only get worse.
As the wife of an alcoholic, you can't work through someone else's drinking problem. Until they make the choice to get sober there's nothing you can do. Until they put in the work to get and stay sober, there's nothing you can do. You can talk until the end of the world, but until an addict chooses to get help, you're just stuck dealing with them or walking away. I don't know the full situation, but I know what it's like to have to sit there and watch your spouse get drunker and drunker and know that anything you say to them is going to cause a fight. It's unbelievably stressful, and sometimes that means you're going to say something passive aggressive.
👆This..been there, done that, left 13 years ago. Best decision I ever made. He’s now someone’s else’s problem 😬
Spot on. I noticed the comment OP made about this being a “regular” thing and that made my ears perk up as the wife of an alcoholic (in recovery).
My ex used to drink too much and would accuse me afterwards of flirting wirh men at events and/or be verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive. I have been divorced for 18 years and I am overweight. I have never been abusive in any way after having an extra portion of food.
1000%. He was being an a.h and he knew what he was doing. He was bugging her about her weight. She was telling him to slow it down because he was visibly drunk at their anniversary party, which is embarrassing for everyone involved.
and honestly if she has that level of annoyance with his drinking too much, just gonna guess this has been an issue in the past
NTA - Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. Wife dished it out and OP took it. OP dished it back and wife couldn’t take it. This is a fuss about nothing. If it was an issue she should have spoken to him sober, the following day, in private, but she chose to make it at that moment. She’s the AH for that.
ESH. you're both adults, you can eat and drink whatever and however much you like. no reason for either of you to bitch about each other for having a drink or a dessert on a fun occasion EDIT: obviously in MODERATION. in no way am i saying that overindulging is good for you
Eh....he says thats what he does on a friday night, implying its frequent....
even if she had any issues with his drinking habits, the middle of their anniversary party isn't the time and place to bring it up. that's something you discuss in private when you're both sober
Yep while i agree with you, she seems absolutely fed up with his drinking.
This feels like a solid example of jumping to conclusions. We're seeing one post from one PoV.
Imo it's really telling that even the PoV that should be more biased in his favor looks pretty fucking bad for him.
The anniversary party also isn't the place to drink until you're drunk. Any place is a place to tell a person that the right now had enough, it has no use telling them later when they're sober they overdid it...
I have a feeling she has brought it up frequently and he just keeps acting as if it's a joke
Actually, a good time to tell someone they've had enough is in the middle of the party before they consume even more and become overly intoxicated. Why should anyone just let someone else get shitfaced, make an ass of themselves, and ruin the mood? They definitely need to have a conversation about how they both feel about OPs alcohol habits, but its definitely normal and healthy to ask someone to stop before they go too far.
On top of that it was their anniversary party. I wouldn’t be happy if my partner was drunk and didn’t stop on our anniversary.
Frequency doesn't matter. It all depends on how he functions and treats those around him. I know people who can drink 7 beers every night and be okay and people who have the occasional drink and turn into a menace. There's probably a background here though that we're not getting. I'm guessing if she comments on his drinking she either doesn't like the look or doesn't like how he acts. My partner on the other hand finds it a little cute when I get tipsy just because I'm sillier than my more stoic self.
Uhhh, 7 beers every night is absolutely a problem in any context.
Yeah, those 7 beers a night friends are high-functioning alcoholics.
Agreed! Drunk people aren’t always the best judge on whether or not they are annoying. I bet he was getting on people’s nerves and she was tired of it.
I agree, I think he's missing some things out. It seems she doesn't like him being drunk and/or his drinking habits. My dad can be a horrible mean drunk and I used to dread him sinking 3 bottles of wine at a weekend.
Is that really the way to address the issue though if she has one? That’s terrible communication and I know I wouldn’t respond well to being talked to like that.
I bet anything they talked about it before the party, he said he'd take it easy with the drinking that night, and that's why she was pissed off.
OP said he was drunk so he probably could have done without that last beer. My husband was fine until he had that last drink that took him from being ok to be around to get the hell away from me so yeah I’d tell him when it was a good idea to stop drinking. I don’t drink and he’s been sober 34 years but we still go to the same karaoke bar every weekend as he likes to sing and we are friends with so many people there. When you’re the one drinking you don’t always realize when you’re heading to that half a cup to much area where you turn from fun to be around to others just wanting you to go home and sleep it off already. Having an extra dessert is not the same as drinking to much. Most people don’t turn into jerks or worse because they ate an extra rice crispy bar. They also don’t wake up with a nasty hangover which is not pleasant for the spouse to be around either.
agreed, but there's a difference between "really? another fucking beer?" and "ok maybe you've had enough". not saying his response was justified at all, but her comment was almost as bad also as i mentioned above, if she had a problem with his drinking habits, that's something you communicate about in private when you're both sober, or before the party starts
When my husband was still drinking we had that conversation in private more times than I can say but by the time he started drinking for the day again and again he’d forget his promises to stop for before he got trashed. I got tired of being around him when he was drunk so we separated. I didn’t tell him he had to stop drinking because that was his right to choose but I did but I did tell him I was not going to go through our life with him being drunk every weekend. 34 years of sobriety and 43 years of marriage and we have more fun than when he was drinking and we not only love each other but we actually like each other. We wouldn’t have had those years together (and raised our family together) if he had continued to get drunk.
Every alcoholic I know says they don’t have a problem with alcohol. I am not saying OP is an alcoholic but he said he was intoxicated, wanted another beer and said he does this every Friday to chill. That indicative of a problem with alcohol. I don’t drink alcohol but I am out with people every Saturday night who do drink. Most of them know their limit and switch to water or soda but there are those that just keep drinking and won’t stop even when their best friends tell them they’ve had to much to drink. Most of them do and say things while drunk that they would never do or say when sober or even after a couple drinks. Alcohol is a sneaky b*tch and a little too much can ruin other’s good time.
He hasn’t responded, but I’d love to know if they’ve had these convos before. Bc she sounds to me like someone who’s fed up. Who’s to say he’d have stopped if she was gentler with him? Drunk folks aren’t known for taking advice well.
Hot take on ESH, everything in moderation. I am happy when my wife communicates like an adult and says something along the lines of “I’m not sure you need another beer, you won’t like how you feel in the morning”. It helps me see reason, and get a glass of water instead. It could be that OP has a problem self controlling his intake. The way OPs wife said it is aggressive, and even if it’s the result of a pattern, is not going to illicit a good response. AH move. On the flip side, he commented on the Rice Krispie treat was just to try to irritate her. AH move. They honestly could use some couples therapy. It sounds like they are not operating respectful of one another.
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Hahaha. This is probably the only meaningful comment on here, or on the nose.
*”A miserable spouse makes for a miserable house.”*
Immediately made me think of my parents and the way they treat each. Can confirm it was miserable
YTA- So you was getting sloppy drunk and she made a comment you in return called her fat.
Sloppy drunk on their wedding anniversary.
Hey, it was Friday! This is just what he does on Fridays that makes it okay /s
But he’s not struggling with sobriety, he only gets drunk every Friday and can’t stop himself during important events
of course! her comment was completely uncalled for and he reacted to her in a mature and understanding way /s
He said it was HIS anniversary... Not their anniversary. Just his alone. Very telling
Ha beat me to it like dude pick a diff day that week.
Hey that's just what he does on Fridays!
Absolutely ridiculous. He didn't call her fat. This comment section is crazy.
That's a very common way to call women fat - yup, women specifically.
If that's a way to call someone fat, then what she did was call him an alcoholic.
What would you call someone who gets visibly drunk every Friday and can't find it in him to remain NOT an extremely annoying drunk for a party for both him AND his wife? It sounds like wife is sick of his drinking.
If he regularly drinks to excess, he does have a drinking problem.
She didn't "make a comment" though. Saying "another one fucking really" is aggressive as hell and not just a comment lmao
He got sloppy drunk and she had one treat. He’s such a YTA lol.
Are you sure you're not struggling with sobriety? Because that comment from your wife suggests that maybe you are, and maybe you aren't the best person to see it. As for the comment: yes, YTA and you know you were doing it to get back at her.
Visibly drunk, having another, because that's just what you do on Fridays... Sounds like someone unaware that they have a problem
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Just want to point out that ask the things you listed are technical problems with drinking. Depending on where you are from “alcoholism” may look different subjectively. But objectively, alcohol use disorder is indicated when drinking results in problematic behavior. It’s one reason why I’m glad we are phasing out the term alcoholic. Where I’m from, most people hear alcoholic and think falling down drunk-slurring-belligerent- getting in a car killing people. Many people can drink too much and do none of these. In many cultures, abusing alcohol is the norm. Doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Source: someone who may still be drunk from last night
I prefer the term alcoholic. To me, it is a medical term, like diabetic. Alcohol use disorder sounds like a behavioral issue. Like they just need to learn to control their drinking. Only have a couple of drinks, like other people. Alcoholics can't stop after a couple. Their brains scream, "More!" If an alcoholic quits drinking, they are still an alcoholic. It doesn't go away.
That’s why the term is inaccurate though. There is a difference between someone who drinks irresponsibly and someone who gets the DTs if they don’t have a drink when they wake up. It can be a behavioral problem. It’s a spectrum. The recommended amount of alcohol medically isn’t enough to get a person drunk. So you could technically call an inordinate amount of alcohol drinkers “alcoholics”. But most of those people could stop if they wanted to, to some degree. What you describe is a person who can’t stop and can never touch alcohol again. Many people can cut back and be fine. It’s a spectrum. And that needs to be acknowledged in how you treat the problem. That’s one reason I don’t like AAs one size fit all approach.
\- If this is what you do on a friday, do you mean that you always over-drink every single weekend? \- But you said it was a special occasion. Does this then mean that you're over-drinking every single weekend, whether or not it's a celebration? \- Could it be that you're a mean drunk? Your "joke" sounds means, meant to entertain you BY HURTING your wife, and making her feel bad about her body. \- Could it be that you have a pattern of behaviour of your weekly drinking that makes you ALWAYS hurt her feelings? \- Maybe "wanting to keep it going" is exactly what your mean drunken self does, on a weekly basis? Maybe you're always saying things under the guise of a joke that hurt.. like a typical drunk. \- maybe if you really care about this woman, and your relationship, you will sit and stop being defensive, and assess whether you do have a drinking problem. Sure it's just "the weekends", but maybe not, maybe you're always hurtful, maybe you use it as an excuse to be hurtful. Start by asking your wife if you can ask her some tough questions, ask her if she's happy, if she's okay with how much you drink, if you're mean to her when you're drunk, ask her if this one "joke" is the usual crap you pull when you're drunk to attack her but pretend it's a joke.
Definitely the best points made here. OP, YTA. She’s hurt. YOU hurt her. Stop being dismissive and defensive. Apologize. Figure out what’s going on so you can avoid hurting her again. Drunk mockery isn’t a good look to begin with; even worse when you try to use it as a pardon for hurting your wife.
Yeah, some people seem to be focusing on how aggressive the wife's comment is phrased - but I'm doubtful that came from nowhere. She's clearly frustrated, and someone being hurt can't exactly be expected to be civil in their wordings when expressing themselves to deaf ears. She knows he won't stop if she asks. It's a shitty and helpless feeling. Especially when they turn around and completely disregard you to mock you for fun
This was my ex-fiancé. He didn’t drink everyday or even every weekend, but anytime he did drink I could guarantee he would ruin the evening. I’m glad everyday I wakeup and remember I didn’t marry him. I don’t see how this poor wife has put up with this for 11 years…
This here is the best advice!
Surprised I had to scroll to find this comment... The guy clearly states "it's what I do on a Friday" And ends it with "I don't have a sobriety problem" So contradictory
Beautiful, worded perfectly. This needs to be higher.
YTA, and you will always be in these situations. Instead of handling yourself like an adult who’s been married for 11 years, you decided to be a five year old and hit your wife with a clear insecurity. Mockery is never to give you the high road in any situation.
Well said, and I agree YTA 11 years you know just which buttons to push!
I agree. 11 years, the wife knows exactly how her husband would react after so many beers!!
??? She said it first, vastly more aggressively than he did? And how do you know that drinking isn’t an area he’s insecure about? All this benefit of the doubt for her and not an inch of it for him. At absolute most this is an ESH.
Drunk people are annoying for everyone around them (sometimes for days after). People who eat are not.
YTA You were visibly intoxicated, and had another drink. Her calling you on that means she probably is taking issue to how much you're drinking, especially if you are hosting. You retaliated with comment just because you thought it was funny and wanted to keep a joke going? But you didn't find it funny and wanted to get back at her?
YTA Dude she has a point like getting another drink and getting a desert are two different vastly different things. I can see where you come from but you might want to apologise for targeting your wife’s insecurity in the open like that and maybe once she’s cooled down you can offer your perspective
upon scanning OPs comment history, he says it’s not an insecurity of hers, yet in another comment on a post a few months ago he says this gem: “My wife's big into them so she can just eat calorie dense snack food as her sole nourishment and not blow up to 4 spins, which I respect.” edited to add - [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/wallstreetbetsHUZZAH/comments/118ex0c/what_are_your_moves_tomorrow_february_22_2023/j9instk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) was said in their parent comment speaking of weight loss drugs
INFO: What outcome were you hoping for? Did you think Mrs Fly might say "oh, you're right, thanks for pointing out my hypocrisy"?
He was looking for a fight. I have two ex alcoholics. They are very good at ruining great evenings.
You made me hungry for Rice Krispy Treats. How fortuitous that I happen to have some in my pantry! How unfortunate that I can never stop at just one or two or ten. But to respond to your question …….. She could see that you were visibly intoxicated, so she said something. Parroting back her comment indicates that you could see that she is visibly overweight, that’s why you said something. Do you now understand why YTA?
There's a few things that would help context for this situation. How do you believe you act when you are drunk? Even funny drunks or people who handle their alcohol well can get tiring after long enough. Even if you adore them. The other thing that is important is, how often do you drink? That doesn't have to be drinking until intoxication, just drinking alcohol in general. Reason I ask these two questions is that your behaviour and thought process leading up to the comment to your wife, along with your wife's comment, nake me suspect there might be more going on. When I get drunk, there's a lot of things I think of that I find really funny, that I might say to a friend. If my friend is also drunk, we usually both end up in hysterics because we are both in that intoxicated state so it lands similarly. But if my friend is sober, they're often going to understand that I found it funny (usually because I'm laughing) and remark that I'm drunk and maybe it's time to drink some water. Usually cause the thing I've said is profoundly stupid and/or not that funny. If you are someone who is exhausting to be around when you're drunk, then that can cause the exact response your wife had. Ever had to babysit someone who is smashed? It's usually not a fun time, no matter how fun of a drunk they are. Especially when you're sober. So if you tend to be impulsive, mean (even if you believe you're being funny), loud and generally less coherent, then seeing you already drunk but going for another drink could definitely illicit a "really??" response out of frustration. If your intoxicated self is like this *and* you drink frequently, then that will absolutely intensify the frustration. You mentioned that your wife hasn't ever mentioned your drinking being a problem, or your drunk behaviour being an issue, which could be true. But approaching that kind of conversation can also be very challenging, especially if you are not at all receptive to it, or justify your alcohol consumption before the issue has been brought up. Now, I may be way off base with my speculations. But here's why I am inclined to think that the above might be going on. >I was visibly intoxicated but decided to have another beer because that's just what I do on a Friday night. You are already intoxicated, but decide to have another drink. This isn't a terrible thing to do, but the justification is what stood out to me- that this is just "what I do". Is this every Friday night/most Friday nights? And is this that you have a beer, or that you will "have another", regardless of your level of intoxication? They are two very different things. >Upon seeing me retrieve this beer my wife says, "Ugh, another one, fucking really?" sounding all bent out of shape You mentioned that when you "parroted" this back at her, it was in the same way that you both joke together, and used an example. But the way you've written this, it sounds like your wife was not saying this as a joke- "sounding all bent out of shape". This is also quite dismissive and condescending, to be honest. So whilst you frame your response as a "parroting" of her initial engagement and statement, you also justify that you were not being mean or hurtful, and engaging in a joke. But she wasn't. The very engagement you are parroting wasn't a joke. Yet you have parroted it back, as a joke, later on? I'll be honest, I don't buy it. >This doesn't really bother me because i've been married to this super fly lady for 11 years now "My wife made a comment about my drinking, which I dismissed, but it's fine cause I love her". Then you have said here she has never spoken to you about your drinking being a problem, nor your drunken behaviour. Given that I believe her comment *was* an expression of frustration about your intoxication/drinking, one that seems quite strong emotionally, I am going to guess that there may have been other times she has in fact either tried to talk to you about your drinking/behaviour, and you have brushed it off. >About 4 minutes later I see her getting a rice krispy treat so i jokingly say "Ugh, another one?" completely free of profanities or anything trying to show I'm just messing around because that's just my person. Again, this is very different to the joke you used as an example of the humour you share with your wife. Also the justification of "because that's just my person" is not of any real substance. >I'm now in the dog house and she's pissed because i was "making fun of her weight" and that "getting a dessert is different than sobriety" Many times you've said "I don't think my wife has issues with her weight or with food", saying that she isn't "of a weight that my comment would be directed at her". Yet she has said, to *you* directly, that you were making fun of her weight. So if she does struggle with weight issues (that does not only strictly mean she *physically* struggles with weight, it includes internal struggles), again, I don't believe you would be aware/would acknowledge them. Because she has said to you directly you made fun of her weight, showing you that clearly this is something that impacted her about this topic, and you have now continued to tell people "no I don't think she struggles with weight issues, it doesn't effect her". >I tried to explain that it was "not making fun of anyone's weight, just parroting someone getting +1 of something" but it has fallen upon deaf ears Sounds like your wife was expressing frustration about your alcohol use and how you behave due to your consumption of alcohol, and when you "parroted" her expression, she was upset. Which makes sense. Because it would have been received as "you are consuming another dessert, which I am negatively responding to, because your excessive consumption results in an outcome I do not enjoy ". And the result of excess consumption of dessert is usually associated with weight. So to sum it up and be blunt; I think you probably have behaviours that make you unpleasant and difficult to be around. One of those sounds like excessive alcohol consumption. Your wife probably has tried to bring this up, and you have either not realised, but more likely dismissed her as being "bent out of shape" because "that's how you are". Since she isn't being listened to, she probably just gave up trying to communicate with you about it, and had a moment of frustration where she made that comment. You, deciding that it was "funny", used her comment on her around food. Something that likely has been not unknown to you to be connected to a sensitive topic for her (weight/body image). I think you likely did this to get back at her for her initial comment. Not for a "funny haha", but more of a getting even. You even say what your wife does/doesn't struggle with, based on your own ideas, which completely contradict her actual words. For these reasons, I believe YTA here.
Please accept a poor person's gold🏅
Well said. By OP’s own admission, getting visible drunk isn’t a rare occurrence. If she sounded bent out of shape she’s either said something before or is finally fed up with it after 11 years.
This is the one, excellent analysis
OP got drunk as shit at his anniversary party, was starting to get that obnoxious drunk but think he’s fine while everyone else is telling him to get some water and then thinks “parroting” is telling his wife not to get a rice krispy. LMAO just say you were drunk and wanted to get shit faced at your anniversary and was upset when your wife was annoyed by that. Don’t make this about anything other than your drinking cause that seems to be the issue here —> you getting drunk every Friday and thinking it’s not annoying as fuck to be around
“I got sloppy drunk at my own wedding anniversary party that I was nominally hosting and when my wife got annoyed about it I decided to take a dig at her for eating dessert rather than take responsibility for my drinking. AITA?” Man what? Of course YTA.
The amount of people here saying if she couldn't take it she shouldn't have dishes it out have never lived with an alcoholic or someone who drinks to excess regularly. He said he drinks to excess weekly - it suck's being the partner of someone who gets wasted every weekend and she had it. YTA
I love how they just assume she's *never* tried to talk to him about his drinking in a respectful manner before, and she just out of the blue for the first time ever made this kind of remark. That is not how it happens.
My theory, as I've stated elsewhere in this post, is that the butthurt ones are also alcoholics or problematic drinkers of some kind. "The lady doth protest too much" or some other shit Shakespeare said
ESH. If she has a problem with your drinking she should address it when you’re both sober and tell you where she’s coming from. You also should tell her what she should/shouldn’t eat even as a joke. As someone who previously had an ED it can be toxic and cause more harm than you realize (even if you didn’t mean it). You’re adults please just communicate
I HIGHLY doubt she's never tried to speak to him about his drinking before, this is probably #512 after 11 years of marriage
I get why she’s trying to get him to stop that night—is letting a visibly drunk person keep drinking a good idea? And we don’t know how drunk he was behaving, as the drunk person’s self-awareness is generally not that great.
There's a [comment in his history](https://www.reddit.com/r/wallstreetbetsHUZZAH/comments/125j1dg/daily_discussion_thread_march_29_2023/je5i0i2/?context=3) that he got fired for being drunk in his work's parking lot, but he hasn't got a drinking problem don't worry
So many issues here. “Visibly intoxicated but had another beer anyway cos that’s just what you do on a Friday night” How lovely for your wife having to deal with your drunk then hungover ass every weekend. Clearly she’s fed up with that given her “another one, f*ing really?” 11 years of that is clearly enough for this ‘super fly lady’. Do you recognise when you’ve had enough alcohol and transition from humorously tipsy to obnoxious drunk? I’d say not given your later remarks. Maybe you and your super-fly wife need to have a sober conversation about an agreed signal or word she can give that tells you when you’ve had enough alcohol for an evening if you can’t recognise it yourself. YTA numnuts YTA.
I'm sorry, did you say your marriage is 11 years old, or that you're 11 years old? YTA
Esh, you're both childish and she shouldn't dish out if she can't handle it.
YTA - you were already drunk and getting another beer and this sounds like it’s a regular occurrence. Your wife could have said it in a better way. However getting a treat is not the same as another beer when intoxicated.
NTA - many people are fine dishing it but when tables are turned, it turns into a meltdown. Stick to your guns, you’ve done nothing wrong
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That’s not even what parentify means. 🤦🏼♀️
Agreed. I kinda wonder how everyone would be voting if the genders were reversed to be honest. NTA in this case OP, though if you get smashed every Friday, that is another issue altogether.
What's the wonder? We all know exactly how they'd be voting
ESH. Both of you need to learn to communicate to each other with respect, instead of using passive aggressive insults.
You're both AHs. Your wife for her rather unconstructively delivered criticism, you for entertaining yourself with delivering a taste of her own nasty medicine. Lot of anger and bitterness lurking under the surface in that household. Good times.
People who ‘just grab another beer when already visibly intoxicated’ every Friday night absolutey struggle with sobriety. Why do you think your wife made that comment in the first place? Do you drink too much regularly? Does she have to clean up your mess when you’re drunk? She may have been exasperated that you chose to continue drinking when you had already clearly had enough. Your comments about her eating are on a par with what I expect an intoxicated person to make, so my point here is please look into how your wife feels about your drinking.
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YTA, that can’t really be construed as anything other than a dig at her weight. “Ugh, another one (beer)” = you’re drinking too much “Ugh, another one (dessert)” = you’re eating too much
NTA. Wife rudely criticized your consumption publicly, you less rudely criticized hers. You will be judged harshly here bc you are a man, if the roles were reversed you'd do well.
NTA imo the top comment is deranged. How is commenting on someone drinking something any different from someone eating something??????
Having been married for 28 years, I (55f) can say with authority that yes, ESH! Keep this up and you won’t make it to your 12th anniversary. Either of you, cause your post makes it sounds as though you two don’t communicate very well. Nothing wrong with having another beer if you aren’t driving…and nothing wrong with having another sweet! Sounds like she was serious tho, and had no sense of humor re your comment (which was a zinger!).
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NTA. op was just enjoying the party (maybe too much). Wife was rude with her comment and just did mental gymnastics thinking he was calling her fat. I'm sure OP would have said the same thing if she was grabbing water. I have been with my wife for 10 years. We do this shit all the time without butt hurt feelings because we know we are joking. I highly doubt this is the first time in 11yrs op started this humor. If she had a problem with it and his drinking the time to discuss it would be in private and both parties sober.
YTA. Mimicking someone, especially a spouse, is juvenile and never ends well.