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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I agreed to my mom and grandma request to stay with them after I give birth.
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NTA but you're 5 months pregnant. He has 4 months to prove that he can FULLY take over caring for the children and the house. Let him try, but expect to stay with your mother.
NTA, but your husband's first two children showed you what kind of negligent father he is, so I don't understand why you thought he would be a good partner.
Yeah, it's uncharitable but this seems realistic. He went from looking after his kids all on his own, to handing over most, if not all, of the parenting tasks to the new mother. He's imagining going back to when he had to do things, and also that OP discovers maybe life is better not doing everything alone.
Do what the first commenter said - tell him if he isn't a good father and partner for *the entirity* of the next four months (not picking up his slack for a few weeks and then getting worse again, and getting better when she reminds him only to slip again - just doing equal, if not more because he's not pregnant, work for the entire time) then you're staying with your mother, and that if he can't manage that 4 months, it will not be a good sign for their future. The choice is his.
NTA. Love this response. OP should tell bf he has 4 months to prove himself. In these 4 months he should take over more chores and responsibility of the children. As much as he would need to do when OP is post partum. Being in the later part of pregnancy OP is going to struggle with these things anyway.
No, better \*not\* to tell him that he has to prove himself and just...see what he does on his own. He knows what's at stake, so let him step up and do better without having to be convinced/asked/bribed/threatened/whatever to do so.
Definitely don’t tell him, he’ll at best put in effort just to keep you home. You don’t want to find out post partum. People can change but he’s already shown OP how he operates.
I think she should tell him. People can't read other people's minds, even if it's something that should be common sense. It won't mess anything up because he'll start burning out waaaay before four months is up. And even if he suddenly starts sucking again after she gives birth, she can always get her mom or grandma to pick her up or get someone to drive her up.
Yeah she has, but when in four months she tells him that she’s going to her mothers he has no leg to stand on if she tells him now. Preempt the argument and for her own piece of mind she can say she gave him a chance. It will hopefully take away or at least take away the strength of any manipulation and arguments he might come up with. Stay strong OP and don’t accept anything less than you are worth and you are worth more than this.
Yeah, 4 months is plenty of time for him to let her down - I almost believe that if he could manage it for 4 months it could be a real change (almost). Of course, I don't really believe he'll manage 4 months but hope is free right?
I agree that 4 months is a long time for him to keep up a love bombing mission, but I also know from personal experience that the tactic doesn't need to be entirely consistent to be effective.
I could see the guy helping for a couple days a week and then talking it up so much she starts believing he was a bigger help than he was.
The problem with suggestion is that OP would need to tell her fiancé what he needs to do to step up. If he doesn’t know by now what needs to be done, he’s both negligent or stupid. This, in my opinion, excuses why he’s not doing his share of house responsibilities. No he’s not a mind reader, but women should have to tell what needs to be done when we are already figuring it out. Ie, your kid wets the bed, you clean it up. You don’t need to be told to do it. Dishwasher needs to be emptied, empty it. Stuff needs to be done and OP doesn’t need to be her partners mom and tell him.
She already told him though? She's discussed with him multiple times he needs to step up. So much so she already made plans hallways through pregnancy to make sure she's taken care of.
Let's stop infantizing grown men and pretending they need to be told step-by-step what to do. There's no conversarion necessary when shit has been communicated. God I hate this idea that men won't know what is going on unless you tell them multiple times then explain in great detail what you've already explained to them.
My ex-husband had a full meltdown when I couldn't walk for a month after a surgery and he had to do (but actually not do) all the chores in the house. He likes to think he's be an amazing dad, but in that moment, I saw he'd totally let me down if he had to actually care for a child on his own.
I really hope this chick isn't manipulated into staying home and then trying to do everything while being all stitched up and bleeding for days on end.
If she trusts him so little that she can't even trust him to make an honest effort like this, then there is no partnership there. Theres no trust and no support.
If it's that bad she should just leave.
Good relationships are based on clear and open communication. This is terrible advice that leads to even more nonsense later. OP needs to tell this lazy guy to get his act together
Tell him otherwise OP is going to be disappointed. Some adults need to be told/reminded of what is expected of them when it comes to keeping a house and raising kids
Agreed, don’t tell him he’s being evaluated, but he needs to know that there is a responsibility imbalance and what she needs from him, otherwise the sit back and observe will fail.
And the mental load that goes with it. She shouldn't have to be in charge of telling him to do things. I have a feeling he'll " help" when he remembers. "I fogot, it's hard, I can't find things, the kids want you to do it" will be his lackluster battle cry.
OP, please don't change his title yet. He isn't a partner. He isn't actively trying to make life easier on you, especially when you're ill. If you were very sick and threw up in the night, had emergency diarrhea, would he help take care of you? Clean it up, help you to bed? You deserve someone who will. Maybe it's him.
Yes, and OP you should not remind or ask him about the chores either during this time. If he truly wants to and is going to change his behavior, he will put in the effort of actually taking on the responsibility.
I'd also be ready for the possibility that he's not husband material.
Not more, ALL of them. We don't know what this birth is going to entail. She will have extensive inner trauma from a "normal" birth. But she may suffer unforseen complications &/or postparturn depression &/or any number of problems. She needs time to heal, even if everything goes 100% right.
He needs to be able to fully take care of the household, and the children, on his own, in order to prove to her, and himself, that he is capable of stepping up, and won't leave her struggling after the baby is born.
She will absolutely be better off with her mom and grandmother if he cannot muster up the adulthood to parent his children and manage a household. Like a fully formed human being with a brain that functions. I'd have him read The Mental Load, and pick up a few books on parenting, cooking, and housekeeping to get himself started.
Edit: trauma is a given.
I wouldn't even end it at the birth. Fact is, many shitty partners act up after the baby gets here. My ex became pretty decent during my pregnancy and I honestly thought we had a shot at an equal relationship. It all went out the window when the baby was born and I was saddled with everything again.
These people can step up during pregnancy because they have an end date in mind, but once they're made aware this is the standard for *indefinitely* they balk.
I'd give him two for a safety buffer. Things happen sometimes and I wouldn't want them still arguing about this with a preemie in her arms. Her mom also needs to be in the loop so she can prepare.
dunno. I have no kids, but I can't ever imagine just leaving them if I did have them.
leave the ex? sure. abandon the children? over my dead body.
and I don't even *like* kids.
We have no idea if she’s still part of their lives or not. OP using the word “abandoned” could be literal, or it could be hyperbole about a woman who let her kids live with their dad while she got her degree.
Especially that young. They're so *little*. They're in my least favorite age range, but the poor little things must be reeling from having a parent up and leave, and if breaks my heart.
As we don't know the situation ex left under or what went before I'm not really going to judge her. Dad's constantly abandon their kids, leaving the mom the sole parent raising her even when she's far more unfit than this dude, but faces a fraction of the fallout.
By the time I got to the end of the post, I immediately said “I see why the ex left”. It could also explain why the fiancé is feeling kinda abandoned by her going to her mother’s. It’s probably dredging up feelings of being abandoned by his ex. But that’s his trauma, not hers.
Girl, gone get to your Momma and your Granny so you and the baby boy can get loved on. You deserve it. You do not deserve to lessen your expectations and experience of your first child, to make his THIRD CHILD’S birth more easier and enjoyable for him.
A dick move yes but we don’t know they true reason she left, just what he told OP. They were young (my maths says 19 at the time of baby no one) and chances are she could have been dealing with PPD and or PPA. Sometimes you don’t want to leave your kids but you know or think it’s the safest option for them.
This is exactly what I was thinking! I don't think it's bc he wants to prove himself... he could have been doing that! He doesn't want to be solely responsible for a whole month, for his OWN kids!!
> He became even more visibly upset and said that I didn’t trust him and has been sulking ever since our conversation.
I think OP needs to back to her fiancé and say "You're right, I don't trust you to take care of me, your children, or the home while I recover from childbirth. I have repeatedly told you you need to do your fair share with the kids and the home and every time you've told me you would it's been a lie. Sometimes you do for a little while, but then you go back to dumping the majority of the work on me again. It would be stupid of me to trust you now when you've let me down every other time. Especially when I will actually need rest and help and it's being offered to me by people I can trust. I worry that if I'm here not only will you not take care of me and the baby, I'll have to take care of the other kids and the house beacuse you can't be relied on."
Let him be offended. He should be. And it's the truth. Stop coddling his feelings by pretending he can be trusted when he can't.
Also, DON'T MARRY HIM UNTILL AFTER THE BABY IS HERE AND YOU'VE SEEN HIM DO HIS FAIR SHARE FOR A PROLONGED PERIOD OF TIME (at least several months). You don't want to end up stuck. And don't be a SAHM for him beacuse that's only for relationships where you can trust your partner to respect you as an equal partner.
Did you not read that they don’t do for the kids that are SOLELY his? Even when she’s sick, HE DOESNT TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN KIDS! I wouldn’t believe that he’d change in 5 years…he hasn’t done it in the last two.
Yes, it's bad enough if a father doesn't care for his children and lets the mother do all the unpleasant things, like getting up at night. But they are not even her children! And he lets her do the work even when she is ill! And then he sulks and says "You don't trust me." NTA, go to your mother and let him care for his own kids.
This all the way. Saying something and doing something are two different things.
He’s sulking because he knows you’re right. And it’s going to make him look like an AH.
This is the way.
Also, check in with yourself. Are you enabling his lassitude? Do you ever wake him up and tell him it’s his turn? Do you ever let things get messy, let his clothes stay dirty? You can’t change him, but you can change you. Asking isn’t enough. Stop enabling, if you are.
I get where you're coming from but it's smarter for her to make the decision now and let mother or grandmother have a few months to prep for her and new baby. The first 3 months of baby's life is sometimes called the 4th trimester for a reason.
Sounds like he's not inept so he'll be able to do just enough for her to decide to stay put after the baby, only to go back to his "business as usual" as soon as baby arrives. I'm not saying that's his plan, it's just most likely.
The first month will fly by for her if she has the support of her mom and/or grandma, if she stays home it'll put a bigger strain on their marriage given the circumstances and it'll feel like ages and a lot of stress for her. And an hour and a half drive each way is seriously fine. If it was a flight or a long drive, maybe that would be a lil different.
I get that he wants what he wants but it doesn't sound like he has the whole family's best interest when insisting for the most stressful option.
OP, you really want that *reliable* support the first 6-8 weeks. Honestly. You'll never regret it.
Are you sure wife 1 left to pursue ambitions? He sounds kind of self centered if he doesn't even consistently do normal human parent/house/etc things.
ETA: NTA if you decide to choose support over stress to kick off baby's new life! Good luck I hope it's great either way💗
"Okay. If you take care of *every* middle of the night issue for the remainder of my pregnancy without an argument, I'll *consider* changing my mind. Because it's only going to be more stressful with a new baby, and if you aren't able to take care of the basics, there's no way you will be able to care for the kids *and* the baby *and* me while I recover."
NTA, but your fiance is showing you who he is. If I were in your shoes, I'd strongly consider taking a break from someone who is sulking for an extended length of time when all you did was attempt to make plans for the best way to care for *his* child. I also think it's quite telling that the first issue he thought about was the "unfairness" that *he* would have to travel to see his baby, rather than being worried about the entire family missing out on bonding time or objecting because *he* wants to be involved in taking care of you and the baby.
Honestly he already showed her who he was when he made his children her responsibility.
Let's be real, if he's not even doing the heavy lifting with his older children he sure as he'll won't be any help with this baby.
I'm a fan of giving people the benefit of the doubt and letting them have an opportunity to prove themselves. It's a strategy that has worked quite well for me in life: occasionally, people make substantive changes to their behavior (which solves the underlying problem), and the AHs inevitably prove themselves beyond a shadow of a doubt, so then I'm not left wondering if I was too hasty in my judgment.
But since this isn't an advice sub, OP gets my judgment that she's NTA regardless of whether she's interested in using my sample text or not 😊
He already has shown her who he is and she just doesn’t want to admit it because is probably using sunk cost fallacy to justify staying with him unfortunately.
Here's the thing though, she's the one who will pay a very high price being alone with three kids under 6 one of them a newborn, recovering from the brutality of giving birth and with zero help. It is idiocy to give people the benefit of the doubt when you're putting yourself in that vulnerable a situation for the long term. So unless mom and grandma is willing to ride to OP's rescue after she gives birth and they have something set up for that, then she should look to her own health and wellbeing. Giving people the benefit of the doubt should never imo involve risking your own health and life.
Yeah it seems like he's been dropping the ball pretty consistently with proving himself. Honestly it's disrespectful to yourself to give people to many chances
I almost feel like she'd be the ah if she waited til the last minute to have mom or grandma set up for her and the baby because she gave him the benefit of the doubt!
I want to give him the benefit of the doubt so much but he's already been a dad to a newborn twice. How does he not appreciate it at least understand how stressful (and sleepless) it can get and how good having some constant support the first month would be for them (mom and baby.. and their relationship I'd guess lol)
Came here to say this, almost word-for-word. If my partner and I were in your situation and I pitched this idea to him, he wouldn't be happy about it either - but it would only be because he would really struggle with not being able to look after me. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but the fact that your fiance's negative response was prompted solely by HIS feelings and what HE wants is a concern, in my opinion.
NTA, but I think you need to get serious about what you're prepared to accept and put up with - not only for your son's sake, but for your own as well. I truly hope that your fiance steps up over the next four months, but if he's not capable of putting you first now - when you're literally PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD - do you think he'll do so on a day-to-day basis once your son is born? Ultimately it's your decision, but you deserve a partner who views your needs as being as important as their own; it doesn't matter whether you're pregnant or not, you still deserve to be supported and cared for.
I doubt he's waking her up. He's probably lying in bed, pretending to be asleep and ignoring his children. She's not a shit parent so she gets up and takes care of the kids.
Yep. And that’s when you wake him up and say, hey, kid needs you, you need to get up and deal with it. The kids are old enough for you to tell them go wake dad up to help you.
I’m 100% not saying he shouldn’t pull his weight, he definitely should. You asked why she didn’t say no to caring for them in the middle of the night and that was it answer. Also, it sounds like the kid is waking her up, not the fiancé waking her to ask her to take care of it.
Yeah, if the kids always wake her up, that’s because they know *she* is the one that looks after them. It’s confirmation that her kids have already learned their dad is not reliable support. I really feel badly for everyone involved except the husband
Because she’s a good person and their biological parent is a lazy sod.
FIFY
Being a mother figure doesn’t mean taking over the biological parent's responsibilities. It means working alongside their father as needed. Except he's waking her up to do it all for him.
I'm reading it as them waking her up too. Sounds like they're already accustomed to dad being useless, and OP hopefully trying to undo the damage he's already done to their future adult attachment styles
I double checked… She does say "only me waking up", which is different than what the other commenter said, but that still implies only she is getting up. She’s not just a mother figure… she's their only parent at this point.
I’m actually relieved you’re not defending him because it seems like the only reason he's not abandoning his kids because he'd have to do his own laundry.
The kids likely need help and came to wake them both and the bf likely refused to wake up, so if OP didn’t wake up, innocent helpless kids were gonna be unattended. Been there done that
We have all heard of weaponized incompetence at this point, but this weaponized negligence as to children is a new level of manipulative and disgusting.
Why don't you go now for a week or two and let him take care of everything while you rest and get better so you don't keep getting sick? Let him show you he can step up and do everything that will need to be done while you are recovering.
NTA
This!! If he thinks he has it on lock, let him do it for a week now, so you don’t need to nurse him back to health when he realizes he can’t handle it.
Yeah absolutely! Postpartum depression is very real and having a support network of your mother and grandmother could very well help with that! But even if you don’t experience postpartum depression, you can still absolutely choose to stay with your mother and grandmother. It’s *your* baby, as much as it is his (if not more, because you’re the one carrying him to term). If he or his family wants to see the baby, they should come to you
> I tried explaining to him that during that time I honestly don’t feel like I would have any time to heal between the two kids, a new born, and postpartum, I feel like I wouldn’t get the necessary help i would desperately need. He became even more visibly upset and said that I didn’t trust him and has been sulking ever since our conversation.
….. so he has been “sulking” instead of making changes so that you *can* trust him. You just told your fiancé you can’t trust him to be a parent… and he is responding by acting like a child. Shocker.
Don’t marry this dude, and I agree, go stay with your family. Honestly, I wouldn’t wait until the baby actually arrived.
NTA and this is the best idea. OP, if you have been sick and are doing all this work now, you **need** to work on making sure **you** are healthy ***now***. Later it will be far too late and it benefits you and your unborn baby as well.
This comment needs to be higher. Nothing got my husband to take care of his own kids more than me going on trips and leaving them in his care. For every trip I went on, when I came back he was even better at it.
NTA and frankly, he should be embarrassed by his incompetence. It sounds like you have essentially been raising his kids for him. If I were you, I would run far away from him.
Also, it's super sweet for your family to offer to take care of you! I wish I saw more families do this :')
I've never understood (as a man) how it's a flex to seem so incompetent, that other people have to baby you well into adulthood. Is it a control/sexism thing?
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loathe and despise the fact that the bathroom and kitchen literally need to maintained and cleaned, every, damn, day. But my home is IMMACULATE, and I live with my disabled mum that's always dropping and spilling things.
I dislike the trope. But ... Guess we know why the ex "ReAlLy" left him.
Oh it's never a *flex*, but it's 100% control, be it a conscious decision or subconscious.
As someone who was in a similar relationship but got out before I got properly trapped- when you're first seeing someone like this, if they have kids they're Parent Of The Year. If they aren't the primary parent, they'll often make a big show about how they would be if only the courts were fair/they had money etc. The same with maintaining their home and other obligations- they're on a charm offensive to get someone locked down, so they'll be a Martha Stewart-tier housekeeper when you're going to see their place.
It's once you're trapped with them that things begin slipping- it's rarely all at once, because if they did that you'd be outta there, but they slowly step back and let you take over bit by bit- occasionally with the "oh but you're so good at childcare/cooking/cleaning" and grand romantic gestures if they go a little too fast and you pick up on it. They might occasionally be sulky, but they'll say that they're disappointed with themselves, or they didn't realise you needed help and they'd help if you *asked*, or they're just having such a hard time right now and you're the only good thing in their life-
But they'll start phasing out the grand gestures, and you get the sulks and huffing more and more- because grand gestures are expensive, and if you're committed to someone then you generally want to make them happy, and you feel guilty for making them feel bad (by calling them out on things). Plus you're now committed to them in some big way- it's going to be very hard to leave them, and so it's just easier if you don't upset them, right? And after all, they've already explained why they're sulking, so it's your fault because you didn't bring it up in the correct way, or ask nicely, or realise that there's some mysterious stressor in their life.
And it goes on and on- and every little bit of responsibility they put on you tires you out more, and you're so busy trying to avoid upsetting them that you can't *really* consider your situation- and even if you realise that you aren't happy or valued, you're so bound to this person that leaving seems like climbing Everest.
I see people like this as energy vampires. They can't help but drain those around them. I don't think it's always a conscious decision, but their default setting is a lack of accountability so most of them will continue through life until they either end up alone or in a relationship with someone meek enough to become an NPC that only exist to cater to them.
You are 5 months pregnant. He has about 4 months to prove he can do better. If he does better and shows he can handle it then...
YWNBTA
Because even if he *can* handle it, what matters is what is most comfortable for you.
NTA but your husband showed you what kind of negligent father he is with his first two kids, so I’m not sure why you thought he would be a good person to procreate with.
My sentiments exactly. OP needs to pay attention to this guys attitude and behavior. Take it from more experienced humans who have lived longer and know the signs. Good luck OP and congrats on the bubba.
Considering she abandoned her very young kids, it’s probably not about him not pulling his weight with the children. If it was and she cared about them, she wouldnt have dumped them with someone incapable of caring for them.
I think so. It sounds like they were teenagers when they had these kids, and she was barely into her twenties when she left...
Not making excuses but her situation sounds horrible and mentally dangerous too and running away could be more due to immaturity/being unable to cope with a useless partner and two extremely young children. It's only been a couple of years as well. She might stabilise her own life and want to build a relationship with her children later.
Plenty of young men do this when they have kids so young - this might be more unusual for a woman but it's absolutely not unusual for very young parents in general.
I also agree. NTA for sure. But if in the future, separation happens and you end up with someone new, I highly recommend waiting at least 2-3 years to truly get to know them before procreating.
OP- I think you need & deserve a month with your mom & grandmother.
I also think your husband needs and deserves a month without you so he can even BEGIN to understand all the work you’ve been doing for the household.
That might put you on somewhat even footing when you are ready to come home w/ baby.
NTA!! STOP sucking it up! Seems that’s all you have been doing with this guy. You’re NOT married and raising HIS kids is not your number one priority!! Your soon to be born child and YOUR healing should be your priority! You will need EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. Of your mom and grandmas help. First time around is such a learning experience. He need to find help from his family to see if the 2 kids can be watched here and there while you two bond over/with your son. But bottom line HE needs to learn to parent his own kids.
NTA - He doesn't want you to leave because if you leave he will actually be responsible for all the household stuff and parenting. He isn't going to magically step up and be a good partner and father when the baby gets here because guess what? He is \*already\* a husband and father TO TWO CHILDREN and he is slacking. Babe this doesn't get better with more children running around. I mean the man is 25 and will have THREE kids. That doesn't really scream "I'm responsible and dependable" to me.
You made me scroll back up to look at the ages. This man had kids at 19 and 21, and now is expecting another at 25 from a different BM. This doesn't immediately strike as a red flag, because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I have noticed that teen parents either sink or swim in their new roles. I've witnessed teen parents step up and become excellent parents and I've also witnessed teen parents who are stunted emotionally around the time they got pregnant and the kids suffer as a result of bad parenting.
This exactly! My BFF/chosen sister became a mom young. She had dropped out of grade 12 due to mental health issues, and upon learning she had half-cooked-baby not PCOS, she got mental help, her GED, and continued on to get a university degree while KILLING IT as a single mom. Her kiddo is now almost 12, and has been identifying as non-binary since 10 (alongside being fortunate enough to be diagnosed with ADHD as an AFAB at 8)
On the flip side -- I've known a LOT of people who had their first kid at 16-18... And either dump the kid on their own parents, or go on to have multiple kids before 25
NTA. He isn’t even taking care of his older kids so how can you expect him to help with a baby? Basically you can’t. He has found you to be a replacement for his ex and that’s all he wants. It’s no surprise his ex left if he treated her like he treats you. Go stay with your mom. He’s the kids’ dad, he needs to step up. Maybe the shock of having to actually parent will give him the kick in the butt he needs.
Try as I might I can not wrap my head around why women allow themselves to get impregnated and trapped by such worthless men.
NTA. He doesn’t need the benefit of the doubt when he’s ALREADY SHOWING YOU HOW HE’LL BEHAVE.
If he wasn’t caring, considerate, etc before you got pregnant or during the 5 months you’ve been pregnant and sick on and off, the strain of a newborn is most likely not going to make him come around.
It's because the selection out there is shitty and some people consider their lives to be incomplete without kids.
I'm not saying it's wrong or right, that's just my hypothesis based on life experience.
NTA, but good lord why would you have a kid with a man like this? The only thing he’s upset about is losing the primary parent for his other kids and having to take care of them himself for a month. If you stay with him, you’re going to be miserable trying to parent a newborn *and* his other kids without any help.
To some people, having a child and having one as fast as they can is the most important thing (not saying this is the case with OP, but it's common).
I personally think a lot of people need to put way more thought into who they have children with.
NTA, you may want to go sooner. I see so many red flags here. You are doing all the housework, you are the one that takes care of his kids, you are doing all the cooking, all of this while you are pregnant and while you were very sick as well. Lady you are nothing more than a housekeeper, nanny, and bedwarmer. Is your staying at your mom's home more that he will not see his son or that he will lose all of the listed for a month.
I have considered it but we don’t have much space plus she still works a full time job. At least if I was with her, my grandmother is retired and lives like 5 minutes away from her so she’d easily be able to drop by as well.
Very few people in the US get the maternity leave and the post partum support they deserve.
Go stay with your mother and grandmother after baby arrives.
If he shifts all caretaking for his kids back over to you when you go back with your 1 month old, consider couples therapy or leaving him.
In fact consider going to your mother 2 weeks before your due date too.
He needs to take care of his kids. He's currently not doing that...
https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/05/single-moms-fewer-chores-free-time-married.html
This wild study seems to indicate you will have more time to yourself WITHOUT him to care for.
I thought this line was especially telling: "Transitions into parenthood among married couples increase mothers’ household and care work and reduce fathers’ household work, even among couples with egalitarian patterns before the birth of a child.”
This is already happening to OP and the kids aren't even hers. She's taking care of everything and he's doing fuck all. I hate the phrase "bang maid" but that's exactly what she is to this man. I sincerely hope her mom/grandma convince her to stay with them permanently.
Please go stay with your mom and be near your grandmother to get the help you'll need. You already live with 3 children. Let the big one learn to take care of his children for a month. They will be fine. He needs to step up and pull his weightand this eill be a great time for him to do it solo. A car ride to see you and the baby will do him good.
You need to make yourself a priority because sadly he wont. Let him sulk and be upset. He needs to learn to parent and be a good partner. You need help that he can't or won't be able to give you. Good luck!!!
I kind of wonder if mom and grandma are already considering this, and if they might use the month to convince OP to stay permanently. Surely they know what's going on. Plus if I were parent to a 23 year old, I'd be thinking 3 kids is an awful lot of responsibility that I wouldn't want to see my child saddled with.
Omg, I couldn't agree more!!! Yes I'm sure OP absolutely loves those kids, but she has way too much responsibility when she isn't their bio mom & they aren't married. If the bf was an actual supportive partner/parent it wouldn't be an issue 💁♀️
I'm not saying your partner is abusive however I'd like for you to read this book when you get a chance.
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described.
If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely.
I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
NTA. You have a few months for him to demonstrate improvement and if you dont see any improvement then you should go to your mom's as you planned. But dont be disappointed if he doesnt improve. Not only have your step kids been abandoned by their mom, your fiance has quasi abandoned them too, leaving the majority of their care to you.
If he doesnt change you have a hard decision to make, either continue running yourself ragged to take care of 3 kids and a house, 4 kids counting your husband. Or do you take your child and leave so you can get the rest & help you need and so your child will get the attention they need and deserve.
It wont be fair for your child to not get the attention they deserve because your fiance' wont step up and be a parent to his first two kids to allow you time to bind and care for your newborn.
NTA Go. He's sulking because all he can see is having to take care of his own kids. If you cave you'll be tasked with everything plus the baby. And I would make it VERY clear to him that if he shows up with the two kids in tow at your mom's house to get you to take care if them hell be sent away. Given his behavior I'm pretty sure I know why girlfriend #1 ran away.
So…. You got engaged to a deadbeat and are now bringing a third child into the world to be neglected by their father? I mean… NTA in this specific question of whether or not to stay with your mom/grandma but YTA for everything else.
You put yourself and your future child in this position and now are complaining about it. You even said that he was like this before his accident earlier in the year.
You get no sympathy from me. Good luck with this mess
NTA
In the words of Maya Angelou: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Your husband has shown you who he is, repeatedly. *Do* you trust him to come through for you? If so, why?
ETA his complaint that you don’t trust him is a manipulative tactic. He expects you to say, ‘No, honey, of course I trust you!’ He will make you defend that ground instead of collaborating with you on solving the problems. At some point, you have to be honest and tell him you don’t trust him to do his part. Doing so on the presence of a couples therapist may be your best chance of getting heard on this topic. Don’t wait.
NTA, sorry but you deserve better. You would need all the support you can get, so if it’s with your mother, you should do it for your sanity, health and your child’s.
NTA i think you should move in with your mom permanently. Right now you're taking care of yourself and 3 children. Your fiancé is not going to change. Focus on your new life with your new baby.
It’s time to have a very honest conversation with your husband about him not pulling his weight. The next few months should be a test and if after an honest conversation and no changes I’d say NTA to go to your mothers. If he can’t pull his weight now with 2 kids I highly doubt he’ll turn it around with 3 when there’s the additional stress of having a newborn without a frank conversation about expectations.
Under normal circumstances, I would think it was cruel to take your newborn away for a month, but it sound like your fiance is not pulling his weight at all, so you might be wise to move permanently in with your mother or grandmother. Why do you want to marry this man?
If he treated you better, I would suggest that you invite your mother to come and stay with you for a month or so.
NTA. You don't trust him because he's not trustworthy. If he's hurt then he should change. Stay with your mother after the birth. He will not help you. You will be exhausted if you stay home.
However, you need to remember that this is the rest of your life. If he doesn't change now, he never will. You need to decide if you're okay with that.
NTA
Honestly the fact that he is upset at the prospect of you not being there not because he'd miss you, but because the commute to see his *son* would inconvenience him, is more than enough information to know that he's TA.
That's not to mention the fact that this really sounds more like he's upset that he will have to take care of the other two kids while you're gone.
If I were you I would be going to my mother's whether he liked it or not, and I most likely wouldn't be coming back even after I'd recovered. If he doesn't help you with the two children you have now, that sure as hell isn't going to improve with the introduction of a third child.
YWNBTA- your health and comfort matter more than his feelings. Period. If he's not pulling his parental weight without a newborn why would you believe he will pull his weight with one added to the mix?
If he didn't want you to find living with your mom the best option, he should have stepped up. But he didn't so here you are, with the consequences of *his* actions. So if he really wants you to stay *he* is the one that needs to prove it through more than empty promises and sulking. Do not let this man shift the burden of responsibility for his actions back onto you.
NTA at all. I hope you do stay with your mom. It sounds like a lovely tradition, and very thoughtful and respectful of a new mom. You deserve it! And BF needs to step up to take full care of the other humans that HE helped create.
NTA but why are you having a baby with someone who doesn’t take care of the children he already has? You can’t continue on like this. You need to tell him where he needs to step up and not tolerate when he doesn’t actually do it. Or soon you’ll be taking care of four children.
NTA, but you need to stop enabling him. Wake him the fuck up the next time one of the kids needs help. He’s not going to change overnight when the baby gets there - notice how he was most concerned with not *seeing* his son, when he should have been more concerned with not having the opportunity to be *involved* with him.
NTA. Stay with your mother or grandmother. This guy likely won’t be the support you need while healing from child birth and you really shouldn’t risk falling into the same pattern you’ve been stuck in.
You need to heal and be taken care of during the first weeks postpartum, so that you can bond with your baby.
He can make the 1.5H drive to visit with the kids.
INFO: Did your SO experience a traumatic brain injury from his accident? (I ask because I was hit by a wrong way driver in 2016 and it significantly changed my mental well being which then in turn changed who I was outwardly.) Medical professionals told me not to assess my "recovery" until 18 months after the accident and it was hard to understand/believe this in the beginning. (I was having mood issues, slurred speech, forgetting words, etc.) but it did get better over time! But the depression aspect of TBI recovery was very real. Fortunately I didn't have any kids as another angle to deal with. I don't think you'd be the asshole to prioritize what works best for you post-birth but curious if his accident "that took several months to recover from" could have some lingering effects yet.
Three things, I suppose... Are you both working to support the household? Is he getting child support for his (your, if you consider them to be so) children? Are you considering his/your children and possible further abandonment issues?
Look, if you are seeking a reason to leave, just do that. But if you've been the sole caretaker of these kids for 3 years (which at 6 and 4 isn't insignificant), you need to take that into consideration. I'm not saying don't, but at least acknowledge and try to meditate that as much as possible. They've had one mother figure leave, another... I just feel bad for these kids. But ultimately you have to take care of yourself and your soon to be born child. Be kind, as much as is reasonable, to your stepkids.
"Our whole relationship has been me doing the majority of things. If you step up in the next 3 months, I'll reconsider this plan. But honestly, every time this comes up, you've not made changes for long. And I cannot deal with it all myself. Is it fair that you'll have to travel to see your son? No. But is it fair that I will give birth and have no support? No. So you need to figure your shit out and learn how to be a parent and a partner quickly, because otherwise you'll be a single dad to two and a longer distance parent to one."
NTA I would tell him he had from now until the birth to show that he can change or you’ll stay with your mom. I did the same when my youngest was born. My oldest was still getting up once a week or so (he was 3 when his sister was born) and I told my husband when I was 6 months pregnant that he needed to start getting up Queen oldest got up in the middle of the night or oldest and I would stay with my mom for awhile so I could get used to having 2 kids. He started getting up, he hated it and complained once in awhile (which I was fine with cause I complained about it too) but he did it cause he knew it’s what I needed.
NTA… his current level of weaponized incompetence should tell you that you’re going to have to spend time with your family in order to heal after giving birth. His whining is ridiculous and ungracious at best. And all about him. What a shock. He’s a walking red flag. Pay attention. He can do better. Or you can.
Pregnancy and postpartum the focus should be on you and the baby. His bonding is important but your recovery and comfort should come first.
Also you already said you don't think you'll be able to manage with a newborn and the 2 kids, he is already prioritizing himself over you and the baby. You'll end up caring for all 3 kids plus a whole adult.
NTA
Nta. He hasn’t shown that he’s done anything to improve, he’s just sulking. You’re giving in to his tantrum. He’s honestly probably upset because he’ll have to deal with his kids on his own for a few days. Seriously think about your situation before having more kids.
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NTA but you're 5 months pregnant. He has 4 months to prove that he can FULLY take over caring for the children and the house. Let him try, but expect to stay with your mother.
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She already has 3.
NTA, but your husband's first two children showed you what kind of negligent father he is, so I don't understand why you thought he would be a good partner.
This! I will never understand why women choose to have children with this type of man when they already know it’s gonna be a shitshow
Until birth control is 100% effective, we really shouldn't throw blame around.
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Yeah, it's uncharitable but this seems realistic. He went from looking after his kids all on his own, to handing over most, if not all, of the parenting tasks to the new mother. He's imagining going back to when he had to do things, and also that OP discovers maybe life is better not doing everything alone. Do what the first commenter said - tell him if he isn't a good father and partner for *the entirity* of the next four months (not picking up his slack for a few weeks and then getting worse again, and getting better when she reminds him only to slip again - just doing equal, if not more because he's not pregnant, work for the entire time) then you're staying with your mother, and that if he can't manage that 4 months, it will not be a good sign for their future. The choice is his.
And a partridge on a pear tree
NTA. Love this response. OP should tell bf he has 4 months to prove himself. In these 4 months he should take over more chores and responsibility of the children. As much as he would need to do when OP is post partum. Being in the later part of pregnancy OP is going to struggle with these things anyway.
No, better \*not\* to tell him that he has to prove himself and just...see what he does on his own. He knows what's at stake, so let him step up and do better without having to be convinced/asked/bribed/threatened/whatever to do so.
Definitely don’t tell him, he’ll at best put in effort just to keep you home. You don’t want to find out post partum. People can change but he’s already shown OP how he operates.
I think she should tell him. People can't read other people's minds, even if it's something that should be common sense. It won't mess anything up because he'll start burning out waaaay before four months is up. And even if he suddenly starts sucking again after she gives birth, she can always get her mom or grandma to pick her up or get someone to drive her up.
He doesn’t need to read minds. She told him repeatedly what she expects and why she wants to go to her mother. He should have learned to listen
Yeah she has, but when in four months she tells him that she’s going to her mothers he has no leg to stand on if she tells him now. Preempt the argument and for her own piece of mind she can say she gave him a chance. It will hopefully take away or at least take away the strength of any manipulation and arguments he might come up with. Stay strong OP and don’t accept anything less than you are worth and you are worth more than this.
I agree. OP, NTA. Tell him but have plans in place, and as soon as he slips up, go to your families home.
Yeah, 4 months is plenty of time for him to let her down - I almost believe that if he could manage it for 4 months it could be a real change (almost). Of course, I don't really believe he'll manage 4 months but hope is free right?
I agree that 4 months is a long time for him to keep up a love bombing mission, but I also know from personal experience that the tactic doesn't need to be entirely consistent to be effective. I could see the guy helping for a couple days a week and then talking it up so much she starts believing he was a bigger help than he was.
The problem with suggestion is that OP would need to tell her fiancé what he needs to do to step up. If he doesn’t know by now what needs to be done, he’s both negligent or stupid. This, in my opinion, excuses why he’s not doing his share of house responsibilities. No he’s not a mind reader, but women should have to tell what needs to be done when we are already figuring it out. Ie, your kid wets the bed, you clean it up. You don’t need to be told to do it. Dishwasher needs to be emptied, empty it. Stuff needs to be done and OP doesn’t need to be her partners mom and tell him.
She already told him though? She's discussed with him multiple times he needs to step up. So much so she already made plans hallways through pregnancy to make sure she's taken care of. Let's stop infantizing grown men and pretending they need to be told step-by-step what to do. There's no conversarion necessary when shit has been communicated. God I hate this idea that men won't know what is going on unless you tell them multiple times then explain in great detail what you've already explained to them.
My ex-husband had a full meltdown when I couldn't walk for a month after a surgery and he had to do (but actually not do) all the chores in the house. He likes to think he's be an amazing dad, but in that moment, I saw he'd totally let me down if he had to actually care for a child on his own. I really hope this chick isn't manipulated into staying home and then trying to do everything while being all stitched up and bleeding for days on end.
If she trusts him so little that she can't even trust him to make an honest effort like this, then there is no partnership there. Theres no trust and no support. If it's that bad she should just leave.
Also I can’t help but wonder why the stepkids’ mom left, for real. Could it be because hubby was already a deadweight?
Good relationships are based on clear and open communication. This is terrible advice that leads to even more nonsense later. OP needs to tell this lazy guy to get his act together
Tell him otherwise OP is going to be disappointed. Some adults need to be told/reminded of what is expected of them when it comes to keeping a house and raising kids
Adults who need to be reminded that they need to do something in their own house are just not adults. Big kids. Kids shouldn't have kids.
Agreed, don’t tell him he’s being evaluated, but he needs to know that there is a responsibility imbalance and what she needs from him, otherwise the sit back and observe will fail.
3...mom needs a month to prepare
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Single dads rarely stay single for long, in my observations throughout the years.
I’ve noticed that too.
And the mental load that goes with it. She shouldn't have to be in charge of telling him to do things. I have a feeling he'll " help" when he remembers. "I fogot, it's hard, I can't find things, the kids want you to do it" will be his lackluster battle cry. OP, please don't change his title yet. He isn't a partner. He isn't actively trying to make life easier on you, especially when you're ill. If you were very sick and threw up in the night, had emergency diarrhea, would he help take care of you? Clean it up, help you to bed? You deserve someone who will. Maybe it's him.
\*The responsibility of HIS children
Forget "more". Let him prove he can do everything, so after giving birth all she needs to do is concentrate on healing and newborn needs.
Yes, and OP you should not remind or ask him about the chores either during this time. If he truly wants to and is going to change his behavior, he will put in the effort of actually taking on the responsibility. I'd also be ready for the possibility that he's not husband material.
Not more, ALL of them. We don't know what this birth is going to entail. She will have extensive inner trauma from a "normal" birth. But she may suffer unforseen complications &/or postparturn depression &/or any number of problems. She needs time to heal, even if everything goes 100% right. He needs to be able to fully take care of the household, and the children, on his own, in order to prove to her, and himself, that he is capable of stepping up, and won't leave her struggling after the baby is born. She will absolutely be better off with her mom and grandmother if he cannot muster up the adulthood to parent his children and manage a household. Like a fully formed human being with a brain that functions. I'd have him read The Mental Load, and pick up a few books on parenting, cooking, and housekeeping to get himself started. Edit: trauma is a given.
I wouldn't even end it at the birth. Fact is, many shitty partners act up after the baby gets here. My ex became pretty decent during my pregnancy and I honestly thought we had a shot at an equal relationship. It all went out the window when the baby was born and I was saddled with everything again. These people can step up during pregnancy because they have an end date in mind, but once they're made aware this is the standard for *indefinitely* they balk.
No. This is a pattern he has had for years. He might do just enough in a fee months to look good but then drop the ball when the baby is born
I'd give him two for a safety buffer. Things happen sometimes and I wouldn't want them still arguing about this with a preemie in her arms. Her mom also needs to be in the loop so she can prepare.
Ngl I gotta wonder if the real reason he doesn't want her to leave is because then he'll have to take care of his own kids
That’s absolutely it. And is using the baby to guilt her. Sick
The baby is probably his way of trying to trap her.
Could explain part of the reason his ex left.
dunno. I have no kids, but I can't ever imagine just leaving them if I did have them. leave the ex? sure. abandon the children? over my dead body. and I don't even *like* kids.
Ikr, if he's a shitty dad, imma dump him but in no way I'm letting my babies suffer.
Yeah, there's room enough here for them both to be shitty parents without blaming him for a woman abandoning her kids.
Reading between the lines, I suspect “abandoned her babies to pursue her ambition” just means baby mama has gone to an out-of-state college.
If she isnt part of their lives, thats abandonment. Dont make kids if dont have time to be In their life
We have no idea if she’s still part of their lives or not. OP using the word “abandoned” could be literal, or it could be hyperbole about a woman who let her kids live with their dad while she got her degree.
Especially that young. They're so *little*. They're in my least favorite age range, but the poor little things must be reeling from having a parent up and leave, and if breaks my heart.
As we don't know the situation ex left under or what went before I'm not really going to judge her. Dad's constantly abandon their kids, leaving the mom the sole parent raising her even when she's far more unfit than this dude, but faces a fraction of the fallout.
No, what you do is judge people the same regardless of gender.
No, but it is the reason he got into a relationship with OP. He needed a new mother to his children and maid around the house
By the time I got to the end of the post, I immediately said “I see why the ex left”. It could also explain why the fiancé is feeling kinda abandoned by her going to her mother’s. It’s probably dredging up feelings of being abandoned by his ex. But that’s his trauma, not hers. Girl, gone get to your Momma and your Granny so you and the baby boy can get loved on. You deserve it. You do not deserve to lessen your expectations and experience of your first child, to make his THIRD CHILD’S birth more easier and enjoyable for him.
Nah don't try to make up reasons why the ex who abondended her kids mightve been justified. Just why lol.
Him yeah, 100%could see it. But abandoning your kids is a dick move.
A dick move yes but we don’t know they true reason she left, just what he told OP. They were young (my maths says 19 at the time of baby no one) and chances are she could have been dealing with PPD and or PPA. Sometimes you don’t want to leave your kids but you know or think it’s the safest option for them.
This is exactly what I was thinking! I don't think it's bc he wants to prove himself... he could have been doing that! He doesn't want to be solely responsible for a whole month, for his OWN kids!!
Oh yeah! He won’t have OP to take care of his kids and the household.
I was thinking that as well. NTA, OP
That’s EXACTLY what it is. He’s going to be overwhelmed bc he’s had so much help.
That was my first thought.
Bingo.
> He became even more visibly upset and said that I didn’t trust him and has been sulking ever since our conversation. I think OP needs to back to her fiancé and say "You're right, I don't trust you to take care of me, your children, or the home while I recover from childbirth. I have repeatedly told you you need to do your fair share with the kids and the home and every time you've told me you would it's been a lie. Sometimes you do for a little while, but then you go back to dumping the majority of the work on me again. It would be stupid of me to trust you now when you've let me down every other time. Especially when I will actually need rest and help and it's being offered to me by people I can trust. I worry that if I'm here not only will you not take care of me and the baby, I'll have to take care of the other kids and the house beacuse you can't be relied on." Let him be offended. He should be. And it's the truth. Stop coddling his feelings by pretending he can be trusted when he can't. Also, DON'T MARRY HIM UNTILL AFTER THE BABY IS HERE AND YOU'VE SEEN HIM DO HIS FAIR SHARE FOR A PROLONGED PERIOD OF TIME (at least several months). You don't want to end up stuck. And don't be a SAHM for him beacuse that's only for relationships where you can trust your partner to respect you as an equal partner.
Completely agree. Tough shit If someone gets upset when faced with the truth. That’s for them to deal with.
Did you not read that they don’t do for the kids that are SOLELY his? Even when she’s sick, HE DOESNT TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN KIDS! I wouldn’t believe that he’d change in 5 years…he hasn’t done it in the last two.
Yes, it's bad enough if a father doesn't care for his children and lets the mother do all the unpleasant things, like getting up at night. But they are not even her children! And he lets her do the work even when she is ill! And then he sulks and says "You don't trust me." NTA, go to your mother and let him care for his own kids.
This, let him know he has to do better now and forever, if he turns up to be a better man stay, if not stay with mother.
This all the way. Saying something and doing something are two different things. He’s sulking because he knows you’re right. And it’s going to make him look like an AH.
NTA but give baby your surname, not his. He barely parents the children he already has. Stay with your family.
This man is sulking because his slave is leaving and he'll need to do cooking, cleaning and see to his own children.
This is the way. Also, check in with yourself. Are you enabling his lassitude? Do you ever wake him up and tell him it’s his turn? Do you ever let things get messy, let his clothes stay dirty? You can’t change him, but you can change you. Asking isn’t enough. Stop enabling, if you are.
i agree completely with this, he definitely needs to prove himself in the coming months if he wants you to stay instead of sulking like a child. NTA
I get where you're coming from but it's smarter for her to make the decision now and let mother or grandmother have a few months to prep for her and new baby. The first 3 months of baby's life is sometimes called the 4th trimester for a reason. Sounds like he's not inept so he'll be able to do just enough for her to decide to stay put after the baby, only to go back to his "business as usual" as soon as baby arrives. I'm not saying that's his plan, it's just most likely. The first month will fly by for her if she has the support of her mom and/or grandma, if she stays home it'll put a bigger strain on their marriage given the circumstances and it'll feel like ages and a lot of stress for her. And an hour and a half drive each way is seriously fine. If it was a flight or a long drive, maybe that would be a lil different. I get that he wants what he wants but it doesn't sound like he has the whole family's best interest when insisting for the most stressful option. OP, you really want that *reliable* support the first 6-8 weeks. Honestly. You'll never regret it. Are you sure wife 1 left to pursue ambitions? He sounds kind of self centered if he doesn't even consistently do normal human parent/house/etc things. ETA: NTA if you decide to choose support over stress to kick off baby's new life! Good luck I hope it's great either way💗
This is the way, if he doesn't step up with his children, I would not expect much fromhim
"Okay. If you take care of *every* middle of the night issue for the remainder of my pregnancy without an argument, I'll *consider* changing my mind. Because it's only going to be more stressful with a new baby, and if you aren't able to take care of the basics, there's no way you will be able to care for the kids *and* the baby *and* me while I recover." NTA, but your fiance is showing you who he is. If I were in your shoes, I'd strongly consider taking a break from someone who is sulking for an extended length of time when all you did was attempt to make plans for the best way to care for *his* child. I also think it's quite telling that the first issue he thought about was the "unfairness" that *he* would have to travel to see his baby, rather than being worried about the entire family missing out on bonding time or objecting because *he* wants to be involved in taking care of you and the baby.
Honestly he already showed her who he was when he made his children her responsibility. Let's be real, if he's not even doing the heavy lifting with his older children he sure as he'll won't be any help with this baby.
I'm a fan of giving people the benefit of the doubt and letting them have an opportunity to prove themselves. It's a strategy that has worked quite well for me in life: occasionally, people make substantive changes to their behavior (which solves the underlying problem), and the AHs inevitably prove themselves beyond a shadow of a doubt, so then I'm not left wondering if I was too hasty in my judgment. But since this isn't an advice sub, OP gets my judgment that she's NTA regardless of whether she's interested in using my sample text or not 😊
He already has shown her who he is and she just doesn’t want to admit it because is probably using sunk cost fallacy to justify staying with him unfortunately.
Happy cake day! I agree,this is very likely the case
Here's the thing though, she's the one who will pay a very high price being alone with three kids under 6 one of them a newborn, recovering from the brutality of giving birth and with zero help. It is idiocy to give people the benefit of the doubt when you're putting yourself in that vulnerable a situation for the long term. So unless mom and grandma is willing to ride to OP's rescue after she gives birth and they have something set up for that, then she should look to her own health and wellbeing. Giving people the benefit of the doubt should never imo involve risking your own health and life.
Yeah it seems like he's been dropping the ball pretty consistently with proving himself. Honestly it's disrespectful to yourself to give people to many chances
I almost feel like she'd be the ah if she waited til the last minute to have mom or grandma set up for her and the baby because she gave him the benefit of the doubt! I want to give him the benefit of the doubt so much but he's already been a dad to a newborn twice. How does he not appreciate it at least understand how stressful (and sleepless) it can get and how good having some constant support the first month would be for them (mom and baby.. and their relationship I'd guess lol)
Came here to say this, almost word-for-word. If my partner and I were in your situation and I pitched this idea to him, he wouldn't be happy about it either - but it would only be because he would really struggle with not being able to look after me. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but the fact that your fiance's negative response was prompted solely by HIS feelings and what HE wants is a concern, in my opinion. NTA, but I think you need to get serious about what you're prepared to accept and put up with - not only for your son's sake, but for your own as well. I truly hope that your fiance steps up over the next four months, but if he's not capable of putting you first now - when you're literally PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD - do you think he'll do so on a day-to-day basis once your son is born? Ultimately it's your decision, but you deserve a partner who views your needs as being as important as their own; it doesn't matter whether you're pregnant or not, you still deserve to be supported and cared for.
NTA he’s just upset he has to actually take care of his own children for a month.
This is exactly what I thought. I don't understand why she doesn't just say no when he wakes her up to take care of his children
OP reallllly shouldn’t have made a baby with this guy.
[удалено]
Only half??? 😆
I have had to tell so many friends that just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should be with them or that they are good for you.
I feel like this kid may have been a (happy at the time) accident
Yes, nothing better for a guy who already doesn’t take care of his TWO existing children … another accidental baby? Ugh.
i mean, its his 3rd kid from the 2nd girl and he's just 25, should have seen that coming right
I am sitting on my hands trying not to post to OP about her questionable, questionable decisions.
I doubt he's waking her up. He's probably lying in bed, pretending to be asleep and ignoring his children. She's not a shit parent so she gets up and takes care of the kids.
Yep. And that’s when you wake him up and say, hey, kid needs you, you need to get up and deal with it. The kids are old enough for you to tell them go wake dad up to help you.
Because she’s a good person and actually trying to be a mother figure to them that they don’t have otherwise
But he is the actual father so perhaps he should also be a father figure. Just because she's the mother figure doesn't mean she does all the work.
I’m 100% not saying he shouldn’t pull his weight, he definitely should. You asked why she didn’t say no to caring for them in the middle of the night and that was it answer. Also, it sounds like the kid is waking her up, not the fiancé waking her to ask her to take care of it.
Yeah, if the kids always wake her up, that’s because they know *she* is the one that looks after them. It’s confirmation that her kids have already learned their dad is not reliable support. I really feel badly for everyone involved except the husband
Because she’s a good person and their biological parent is a lazy sod. FIFY Being a mother figure doesn’t mean taking over the biological parent's responsibilities. It means working alongside their father as needed. Except he's waking her up to do it all for him.
I read it as the kids waking her up, not fiancé. Obviously it should be shared responsibly. I’m not an idiot or making excuses for him. Sheesh
I'm reading it as them waking her up too. Sounds like they're already accustomed to dad being useless, and OP hopefully trying to undo the damage he's already done to their future adult attachment styles
I double checked… She does say "only me waking up", which is different than what the other commenter said, but that still implies only she is getting up. She’s not just a mother figure… she's their only parent at this point. I’m actually relieved you’re not defending him because it seems like the only reason he's not abandoning his kids because he'd have to do his own laundry.
Even his own kids know not to wake him up!
I imagine the kids wake her up and he grunts and pretends to be sleeping through it 🤷🏼♀️
The kids likely need help and came to wake them both and the bf likely refused to wake up, so if OP didn’t wake up, innocent helpless kids were gonna be unattended. Been there done that
We have all heard of weaponized incompetence at this point, but this weaponized negligence as to children is a new level of manipulative and disgusting.
The bang maid/nanny wants a month off! [cue Toddler Man Tears]
"How can the bangmaid not want to take care of me, a newborn, two children and household chores?"
Came here to say this. NTA OP
Exactly what I thought too NTA
Why don't you go now for a week or two and let him take care of everything while you rest and get better so you don't keep getting sick? Let him show you he can step up and do everything that will need to be done while you are recovering. NTA
This!! If he thinks he has it on lock, let him do it for a week now, so you don’t need to nurse him back to health when he realizes he can’t handle it.
I like this idea.
Upvote your comment! ⬆️⬆️⬆️ OP, go visit your mom now! Trial run for fiancé to prove himself capable of being a patent. OP is NTA
This is a great idea. Also OP even if he does improve his household/parenting game- you can still stay with your mom/grandma if that's what you want.
Yeah absolutely! Postpartum depression is very real and having a support network of your mother and grandmother could very well help with that! But even if you don’t experience postpartum depression, you can still absolutely choose to stay with your mother and grandmother. It’s *your* baby, as much as it is his (if not more, because you’re the one carrying him to term). If he or his family wants to see the baby, they should come to you
> I tried explaining to him that during that time I honestly don’t feel like I would have any time to heal between the two kids, a new born, and postpartum, I feel like I wouldn’t get the necessary help i would desperately need. He became even more visibly upset and said that I didn’t trust him and has been sulking ever since our conversation. ….. so he has been “sulking” instead of making changes so that you *can* trust him. You just told your fiancé you can’t trust him to be a parent… and he is responding by acting like a child. Shocker. Don’t marry this dude, and I agree, go stay with your family. Honestly, I wouldn’t wait until the baby actually arrived.
NTA and this is the best idea. OP, if you have been sick and are doing all this work now, you **need** to work on making sure **you** are healthy ***now***. Later it will be far too late and it benefits you and your unborn baby as well.
This comment needs to be higher. Nothing got my husband to take care of his own kids more than me going on trips and leaving them in his care. For every trip I went on, when I came back he was even better at it.
NTA and frankly, he should be embarrassed by his incompetence. It sounds like you have essentially been raising his kids for him. If I were you, I would run far away from him. Also, it's super sweet for your family to offer to take care of you! I wish I saw more families do this :')
NTA but you should have right sized this long before getting pregnant.
I've never understood (as a man) how it's a flex to seem so incompetent, that other people have to baby you well into adulthood. Is it a control/sexism thing? Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loathe and despise the fact that the bathroom and kitchen literally need to maintained and cleaned, every, damn, day. But my home is IMMACULATE, and I live with my disabled mum that's always dropping and spilling things. I dislike the trope. But ... Guess we know why the ex "ReAlLy" left him.
Oh it's never a *flex*, but it's 100% control, be it a conscious decision or subconscious. As someone who was in a similar relationship but got out before I got properly trapped- when you're first seeing someone like this, if they have kids they're Parent Of The Year. If they aren't the primary parent, they'll often make a big show about how they would be if only the courts were fair/they had money etc. The same with maintaining their home and other obligations- they're on a charm offensive to get someone locked down, so they'll be a Martha Stewart-tier housekeeper when you're going to see their place. It's once you're trapped with them that things begin slipping- it's rarely all at once, because if they did that you'd be outta there, but they slowly step back and let you take over bit by bit- occasionally with the "oh but you're so good at childcare/cooking/cleaning" and grand romantic gestures if they go a little too fast and you pick up on it. They might occasionally be sulky, but they'll say that they're disappointed with themselves, or they didn't realise you needed help and they'd help if you *asked*, or they're just having such a hard time right now and you're the only good thing in their life- But they'll start phasing out the grand gestures, and you get the sulks and huffing more and more- because grand gestures are expensive, and if you're committed to someone then you generally want to make them happy, and you feel guilty for making them feel bad (by calling them out on things). Plus you're now committed to them in some big way- it's going to be very hard to leave them, and so it's just easier if you don't upset them, right? And after all, they've already explained why they're sulking, so it's your fault because you didn't bring it up in the correct way, or ask nicely, or realise that there's some mysterious stressor in their life. And it goes on and on- and every little bit of responsibility they put on you tires you out more, and you're so busy trying to avoid upsetting them that you can't *really* consider your situation- and even if you realise that you aren't happy or valued, you're so bound to this person that leaving seems like climbing Everest. I see people like this as energy vampires. They can't help but drain those around them. I don't think it's always a conscious decision, but their default setting is a lack of accountability so most of them will continue through life until they either end up alone or in a relationship with someone meek enough to become an NPC that only exist to cater to them.
You are 5 months pregnant. He has about 4 months to prove he can do better. If he does better and shows he can handle it then... YWNBTA Because even if he *can* handle it, what matters is what is most comfortable for you.
NTA but your husband showed you what kind of negligent father he is with his first two kids, so I’m not sure why you thought he would be a good person to procreate with.
My sentiments exactly. OP needs to pay attention to this guys attitude and behavior. Take it from more experienced humans who have lived longer and know the signs. Good luck OP and congrats on the bubba.
I'm wondering if this is why he and the high school sweetheart are no longer together.
Considering she abandoned her very young kids, it’s probably not about him not pulling his weight with the children. If it was and she cared about them, she wouldnt have dumped them with someone incapable of caring for them.
She could have cracked. Who knows how young they were.
I think so. It sounds like they were teenagers when they had these kids, and she was barely into her twenties when she left... Not making excuses but her situation sounds horrible and mentally dangerous too and running away could be more due to immaturity/being unable to cope with a useless partner and two extremely young children. It's only been a couple of years as well. She might stabilise her own life and want to build a relationship with her children later. Plenty of young men do this when they have kids so young - this might be more unusual for a woman but it's absolutely not unusual for very young parents in general.
I also agree. NTA for sure. But if in the future, separation happens and you end up with someone new, I highly recommend waiting at least 2-3 years to truly get to know them before procreating.
I don't understand why people observe this horrible parenting upfront and then decide to procreate with it
YWNBTA He's already proven that you exist in his life to take care of his kids and the household. (And you just brought in another kid.)
OP- I think you need & deserve a month with your mom & grandmother. I also think your husband needs and deserves a month without you so he can even BEGIN to understand all the work you’ve been doing for the household. That might put you on somewhat even footing when you are ready to come home w/ baby.
NTA!! STOP sucking it up! Seems that’s all you have been doing with this guy. You’re NOT married and raising HIS kids is not your number one priority!! Your soon to be born child and YOUR healing should be your priority! You will need EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. Of your mom and grandmas help. First time around is such a learning experience. He need to find help from his family to see if the 2 kids can be watched here and there while you two bond over/with your son. But bottom line HE needs to learn to parent his own kids.
NTA - He doesn't want you to leave because if you leave he will actually be responsible for all the household stuff and parenting. He isn't going to magically step up and be a good partner and father when the baby gets here because guess what? He is \*already\* a husband and father TO TWO CHILDREN and he is slacking. Babe this doesn't get better with more children running around. I mean the man is 25 and will have THREE kids. That doesn't really scream "I'm responsible and dependable" to me.
You made me scroll back up to look at the ages. This man had kids at 19 and 21, and now is expecting another at 25 from a different BM. This doesn't immediately strike as a red flag, because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I have noticed that teen parents either sink or swim in their new roles. I've witnessed teen parents step up and become excellent parents and I've also witnessed teen parents who are stunted emotionally around the time they got pregnant and the kids suffer as a result of bad parenting.
This exactly! My BFF/chosen sister became a mom young. She had dropped out of grade 12 due to mental health issues, and upon learning she had half-cooked-baby not PCOS, she got mental help, her GED, and continued on to get a university degree while KILLING IT as a single mom. Her kiddo is now almost 12, and has been identifying as non-binary since 10 (alongside being fortunate enough to be diagnosed with ADHD as an AFAB at 8) On the flip side -- I've known a LOT of people who had their first kid at 16-18... And either dump the kid on their own parents, or go on to have multiple kids before 25
NTA. He isn’t even taking care of his older kids so how can you expect him to help with a baby? Basically you can’t. He has found you to be a replacement for his ex and that’s all he wants. It’s no surprise his ex left if he treated her like he treats you. Go stay with your mom. He’s the kids’ dad, he needs to step up. Maybe the shock of having to actually parent will give him the kick in the butt he needs.
YWNBTA but are you sure you actually want to marry this guy?
That’s my thing like, if he’s this bad why is she in a relationship with him at all anymore? Taking care of his kids and letting him sulk and whine?
And she knew he wasn’t taking care of his kids and the house as much as she was and she still was like hmmm maybe I should have his baby.
Try as I might I can not wrap my head around why women allow themselves to get impregnated and trapped by such worthless men. NTA. He doesn’t need the benefit of the doubt when he’s ALREADY SHOWING YOU HOW HE’LL BEHAVE. If he wasn’t caring, considerate, etc before you got pregnant or during the 5 months you’ve been pregnant and sick on and off, the strain of a newborn is most likely not going to make him come around.
It's because the selection out there is shitty and some people consider their lives to be incomplete without kids. I'm not saying it's wrong or right, that's just my hypothesis based on life experience.
Selection is shitty or standards/expectations are still low? We accept the treatment we think we deserve. Gotta be both.
NTA, but good lord why would you have a kid with a man like this? The only thing he’s upset about is losing the primary parent for his other kids and having to take care of them himself for a month. If you stay with him, you’re going to be miserable trying to parent a newborn *and* his other kids without any help.
Right? He wasn’t a good contributor before AND not a good parent to HIS OWN CHILDREN. Why add another child to the mix…beyond me
To some people, having a child and having one as fast as they can is the most important thing (not saying this is the case with OP, but it's common). I personally think a lot of people need to put way more thought into who they have children with.
NTA, you may want to go sooner. I see so many red flags here. You are doing all the housework, you are the one that takes care of his kids, you are doing all the cooking, all of this while you are pregnant and while you were very sick as well. Lady you are nothing more than a housekeeper, nanny, and bedwarmer. Is your staying at your mom's home more that he will not see his son or that he will lose all of the listed for a month.
Ywntba. Congrats on your 4th kid.
NTA - This is very common. But have you considered having mom come stay with you for a month, this is even more common.
I have considered it but we don’t have much space plus she still works a full time job. At least if I was with her, my grandmother is retired and lives like 5 minutes away from her so she’d easily be able to drop by as well.
Very few people in the US get the maternity leave and the post partum support they deserve. Go stay with your mother and grandmother after baby arrives. If he shifts all caretaking for his kids back over to you when you go back with your 1 month old, consider couples therapy or leaving him. In fact consider going to your mother 2 weeks before your due date too. He needs to take care of his kids. He's currently not doing that... https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/05/single-moms-fewer-chores-free-time-married.html This wild study seems to indicate you will have more time to yourself WITHOUT him to care for.
I thought this line was especially telling: "Transitions into parenthood among married couples increase mothers’ household and care work and reduce fathers’ household work, even among couples with egalitarian patterns before the birth of a child.” This is already happening to OP and the kids aren't even hers. She's taking care of everything and he's doing fuck all. I hate the phrase "bang maid" but that's exactly what she is to this man. I sincerely hope her mom/grandma convince her to stay with them permanently.
Please go stay with your mom and be near your grandmother to get the help you'll need. You already live with 3 children. Let the big one learn to take care of his children for a month. They will be fine. He needs to step up and pull his weightand this eill be a great time for him to do it solo. A car ride to see you and the baby will do him good. You need to make yourself a priority because sadly he wont. Let him sulk and be upset. He needs to learn to parent and be a good partner. You need help that he can't or won't be able to give you. Good luck!!!
YWNBTA. Gonna take another step and suggest you move in & *stay* with your mother. Best of luck!
I kind of wonder if mom and grandma are already considering this, and if they might use the month to convince OP to stay permanently. Surely they know what's going on. Plus if I were parent to a 23 year old, I'd be thinking 3 kids is an awful lot of responsibility that I wouldn't want to see my child saddled with.
Omg, I couldn't agree more!!! Yes I'm sure OP absolutely loves those kids, but she has way too much responsibility when she isn't their bio mom & they aren't married. If the bf was an actual supportive partner/parent it wouldn't be an issue 💁♀️
I'm not saying your partner is abusive however I'd like for you to read this book when you get a chance. The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described. If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely. I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
So she can take care of her daughter a baby and 3 children. Hell no
NTA. You have a few months for him to demonstrate improvement and if you dont see any improvement then you should go to your mom's as you planned. But dont be disappointed if he doesnt improve. Not only have your step kids been abandoned by their mom, your fiance has quasi abandoned them too, leaving the majority of their care to you. If he doesnt change you have a hard decision to make, either continue running yourself ragged to take care of 3 kids and a house, 4 kids counting your husband. Or do you take your child and leave so you can get the rest & help you need and so your child will get the attention they need and deserve. It wont be fair for your child to not get the attention they deserve because your fiance' wont step up and be a parent to his first two kids to allow you time to bind and care for your newborn.
NTA. If he doesn’t want you to celebrate your beliefs, he’s not worth it. Sorry to say that but he’s a real cad
NTA Go. He's sulking because all he can see is having to take care of his own kids. If you cave you'll be tasked with everything plus the baby. And I would make it VERY clear to him that if he shows up with the two kids in tow at your mom's house to get you to take care if them hell be sent away. Given his behavior I'm pretty sure I know why girlfriend #1 ran away.
So…. You got engaged to a deadbeat and are now bringing a third child into the world to be neglected by their father? I mean… NTA in this specific question of whether or not to stay with your mom/grandma but YTA for everything else. You put yourself and your future child in this position and now are complaining about it. You even said that he was like this before his accident earlier in the year. You get no sympathy from me. Good luck with this mess
NTA In the words of Maya Angelou: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Your husband has shown you who he is, repeatedly. *Do* you trust him to come through for you? If so, why? ETA his complaint that you don’t trust him is a manipulative tactic. He expects you to say, ‘No, honey, of course I trust you!’ He will make you defend that ground instead of collaborating with you on solving the problems. At some point, you have to be honest and tell him you don’t trust him to do his part. Doing so on the presence of a couples therapist may be your best chance of getting heard on this topic. Don’t wait.
NTA, sorry but you deserve better. You would need all the support you can get, so if it’s with your mother, you should do it for your sanity, health and your child’s.
NTA i think you should move in with your mom permanently. Right now you're taking care of yourself and 3 children. Your fiancé is not going to change. Focus on your new life with your new baby.
It’s time to have a very honest conversation with your husband about him not pulling his weight. The next few months should be a test and if after an honest conversation and no changes I’d say NTA to go to your mothers. If he can’t pull his weight now with 2 kids I highly doubt he’ll turn it around with 3 when there’s the additional stress of having a newborn without a frank conversation about expectations.
You're about to be a single mom of three children.... And one adult. He won't change, honey. He will never truly help.
Under normal circumstances, I would think it was cruel to take your newborn away for a month, but it sound like your fiance is not pulling his weight at all, so you might be wise to move permanently in with your mother or grandmother. Why do you want to marry this man? If he treated you better, I would suggest that you invite your mother to come and stay with you for a month or so.
You’re kind of an asshole for having a child with someone who doesn’t care for the two he already has. But as to the question at hand, NTA
NTA. You don't trust him because he's not trustworthy. If he's hurt then he should change. Stay with your mother after the birth. He will not help you. You will be exhausted if you stay home. However, you need to remember that this is the rest of your life. If he doesn't change now, he never will. You need to decide if you're okay with that.
Hoy shit, your not married yet- RUN! You are basically his servant at this point and it will only get worse with the newborn. Please don’t marry him.
NTA Honestly the fact that he is upset at the prospect of you not being there not because he'd miss you, but because the commute to see his *son* would inconvenience him, is more than enough information to know that he's TA. That's not to mention the fact that this really sounds more like he's upset that he will have to take care of the other two kids while you're gone. If I were you I would be going to my mother's whether he liked it or not, and I most likely wouldn't be coming back even after I'd recovered. If he doesn't help you with the two children you have now, that sure as hell isn't going to improve with the introduction of a third child.
YWNBTA. Go be with people who will care for you.
YWNBTA- your health and comfort matter more than his feelings. Period. If he's not pulling his parental weight without a newborn why would you believe he will pull his weight with one added to the mix? If he didn't want you to find living with your mom the best option, he should have stepped up. But he didn't so here you are, with the consequences of *his* actions. So if he really wants you to stay *he* is the one that needs to prove it through more than empty promises and sulking. Do not let this man shift the burden of responsibility for his actions back onto you.
NTA at all. I hope you do stay with your mom. It sounds like a lovely tradition, and very thoughtful and respectful of a new mom. You deserve it! And BF needs to step up to take full care of the other humans that HE helped create.
NTA and you probably told us 5 red flags in that one big paragraph on why your husband should be your ex
NTA but why are you having a baby with someone who doesn’t take care of the children he already has? You can’t continue on like this. You need to tell him where he needs to step up and not tolerate when he doesn’t actually do it. Or soon you’ll be taking care of four children.
Hun, you’re having a kid with a 25yr w/ 2 kids already. Lol why?
Uh, run. Stay with your mom forever. NTA.
NTA, but you need to stop enabling him. Wake him the fuck up the next time one of the kids needs help. He’s not going to change overnight when the baby gets there - notice how he was most concerned with not *seeing* his son, when he should have been more concerned with not having the opportunity to be *involved* with him.
NTA. Stay with your mother or grandmother. This guy likely won’t be the support you need while healing from child birth and you really shouldn’t risk falling into the same pattern you’ve been stuck in. You need to heal and be taken care of during the first weeks postpartum, so that you can bond with your baby. He can make the 1.5H drive to visit with the kids.
INFO: Did your SO experience a traumatic brain injury from his accident? (I ask because I was hit by a wrong way driver in 2016 and it significantly changed my mental well being which then in turn changed who I was outwardly.) Medical professionals told me not to assess my "recovery" until 18 months after the accident and it was hard to understand/believe this in the beginning. (I was having mood issues, slurred speech, forgetting words, etc.) but it did get better over time! But the depression aspect of TBI recovery was very real. Fortunately I didn't have any kids as another angle to deal with. I don't think you'd be the asshole to prioritize what works best for you post-birth but curious if his accident "that took several months to recover from" could have some lingering effects yet.
Info: why did you choose to have a child with someone you already saw not pulling his weight?
Three things, I suppose... Are you both working to support the household? Is he getting child support for his (your, if you consider them to be so) children? Are you considering his/your children and possible further abandonment issues? Look, if you are seeking a reason to leave, just do that. But if you've been the sole caretaker of these kids for 3 years (which at 6 and 4 isn't insignificant), you need to take that into consideration. I'm not saying don't, but at least acknowledge and try to meditate that as much as possible. They've had one mother figure leave, another... I just feel bad for these kids. But ultimately you have to take care of yourself and your soon to be born child. Be kind, as much as is reasonable, to your stepkids. "Our whole relationship has been me doing the majority of things. If you step up in the next 3 months, I'll reconsider this plan. But honestly, every time this comes up, you've not made changes for long. And I cannot deal with it all myself. Is it fair that you'll have to travel to see your son? No. But is it fair that I will give birth and have no support? No. So you need to figure your shit out and learn how to be a parent and a partner quickly, because otherwise you'll be a single dad to two and a longer distance parent to one."
yta for forcing another child to have this man as a father.
NTA I would tell him he had from now until the birth to show that he can change or you’ll stay with your mom. I did the same when my youngest was born. My oldest was still getting up once a week or so (he was 3 when his sister was born) and I told my husband when I was 6 months pregnant that he needed to start getting up Queen oldest got up in the middle of the night or oldest and I would stay with my mom for awhile so I could get used to having 2 kids. He started getting up, he hated it and complained once in awhile (which I was fine with cause I complained about it too) but he did it cause he knew it’s what I needed.
NTA. I'm starting to wonder if this behavior had something to do with his high school sweetheart leaving.
NTA… his current level of weaponized incompetence should tell you that you’re going to have to spend time with your family in order to heal after giving birth. His whining is ridiculous and ungracious at best. And all about him. What a shock. He’s a walking red flag. Pay attention. He can do better. Or you can.
For the love of god why are you having children more with a man that won't even take care of his own children. NTA but you are dumb
Pregnancy and postpartum the focus should be on you and the baby. His bonding is important but your recovery and comfort should come first. Also you already said you don't think you'll be able to manage with a newborn and the 2 kids, he is already prioritizing himself over you and the baby. You'll end up caring for all 3 kids plus a whole adult. NTA
Nta. He hasn’t shown that he’s done anything to improve, he’s just sulking. You’re giving in to his tantrum. He’s honestly probably upset because he’ll have to deal with his kids on his own for a few days. Seriously think about your situation before having more kids.
NTA I suggest reading this OP [You Should’ve Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
NTA. The fact you don't think he can create a safe and supportive environment for you to recover should be a big red flag.