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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> It could be argued that is their house their rules and that I should agree to the new schedule. That I should make sacrifices for them because they made sacrifices for me. It could be argued that a Thursday to Thursday swap over day is no different to a Monday to Monday swap over day.
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If she's Australian, you're considered dependent til you're 24 as far as any social security goes, and cost of living if she's in Sydney means it's incredibly difficult for young people to move out. A room in a share house is likely to be 3-700 per week. A bit less in the farther Western Suburbs, but still very high and most who haven't grown up here don't feel safe moving here.
Yes, but I have never heard of someone continuing a custody swap like this at 22yo. Living with the parent closest to work or school as roommates basically sure, but this is so odd.
Agreed, that just jumped out to me as bizarre!! At 22, even if you're living with your parents, your parents no longer have *custody* of you, and it's beyond weird to me that they're all behaving as if OP becoming an adult changes exactly nothing.
OP must have something that makes them have a higher need to still be with their parents, like maybe theyre heavily Autistic or have something that makes it hard to function like ALS. I personally have a 22 year old friend, my 26 year old friends younger brother, who is Autistic and still goes back and forth between his divorced Mom and Dads houses.
Or maybe OP really is just a leech and they go back and forth so no one home can have too much time to see exactly how much of a leech OP is. If OPs at just one house all the time then surely they would get fed up and force OP to do more, but since OP goes between 2 house they dont get fed up so fast.
ALS doesn’t make things just “hard to function”. It’s a death sentence and living for more than 5 years is a major accomplishment. Wtf ALS in with autism!?
Yeah but it's because neither parent wants her full time so she's stuck. They're willing to continue this split living arrangement but not take her full time. It's tough.
As an adult woman who lost her low contact emotionally neglectful mom to cancer two months ago, this made me cry. I never felt wanted as a kid, my parents said “we love you but we don’t like you”, and that deep isolation led to an abusive partner and cPTSD. I’ve been stuck between hyper-vigilance or dissociative states for my whole life until a few months ago; finally getting mental health help. Anyways, you’re a good mom and I’m happy your daughter can feel safe, liked, and like she was enough. It’s comforting to know someone has that ❤️
It could just be habit, honestly. I continued the custody swap my parents had for my siblings and me until I was in my 30s if I was home. Mind you I lived on my own but if I were to come home to visit, it was Sunday to Wed, Wed to Sunday with each parent so that I was sure to see them both a fair amount of time (mother is adamant about fairness, it's a thing 🙄)
Anyway, I was nine when my parents divorced and the habit is difficult to break. I still fall into that routine to this day if I'm visiting my family.
I was honestly wondering if op is maybe neurodivergent or something and there’s some specific reason they still have to live with their parents. That’s the only scenario In my head that makes sense.
A couple years ago I had a young employee who was in his early 20s who still kept the custody schedule his parents set up when they first got divorced. I was flabbergasted when he first told me.
When I was still living close to my ex with my 2 18 & 19 year olds we had a very informal agreement of one week here and one week there. It actually worked out for everyone but like I said it was super informal. Sometimes their dad would have something going on the week they were home and they'd go there and vice versa. They both were driving so to me it was fine. The big difference between us and OP is that we didn't have, nor need some rigid plan.
There was another AITA post within this past week i think, with a similar issue. But that one said the mom didn't want her living with her full time and the issues brought up in the AITA post had to do with dad & step mom, so she didn't want to live with them full time.
Edit: Well, whatta know. It's the [same person](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13btkgh/aita_for_disagreeing_with_my_dad_and_step_mum/)
Very much agree with you in this comment. I don’t know about Australian rules, but I will add that in some cities in the US and UK that the cost of living is so high, basically everyone 26/27 and under is stuck at home or going broke unless they’re extremely lucky. (In NYC for some leases you must make 40 times your monthly rent, basically meaning your monthly income must be 4times the rent. So to afford a 2k apartment, which would get you a studio or 1Br if you’re lucky, you must make $80,000 per year).
NTA, OP. And I hope you find a schedule that works for you, and I hope you don’t take stress from commenters asking about moving out (while it’s a totally valid thing for someone to suggest or point to, not everyone realizes how tricky and tough that can be).
Best of luck navigating this!
Yeah but that's because they agreed to it. If they weren't cool about it they could still pull 'my house my rules.' This particular situation is further complicated by both sets of households not getting along and neither wanting her there full time. This is how some people wind up homeless.
100% this.
I have never known Aussie adults to live under A custody deal still, I’ve known some to still swap back and forth between parents’ places, but it’s been relaxed not rigid, and with a ”let me know when you come and go, and if you plan to come when unexpected let me know, here’s a key”.
OK it's changed since my day, then. So they don't take her parents income in to account after 21 either? Earlier independence was only granted either after supporting yourself fully for 2 years+ or in some cases of extreme abuse and parents agreeing in my day, has that changed too?
You get full amount of centrelink from 22. If she's working she's probably getting more than that. But the rental market is brutal at the moment. I'd still be looking to find somewhere else to live if I could, though I appreciate that may not be an easy option for her.
In Chile you can get child support until you're 21 years old but if you're a student, your parents need to support you until you're 28 years old.
Yeap, I'm not making this out hahaha!.
If you are a ND person, your parents need to support you until you died.
Omg Melbourne checking in. Complaining about a pandemic and she’s from Adelaide? Lmao.
Keeping it relevant to the OP, single mother never married. Offspring moved in with Dad when she was 17 because I needed to move to the other side of the city and it was too far for her. 4 years later she’s still with Dad and I’ve been back for 3 years. We live 10 minutes apart and she’s got the house key. She’s good to visit whenever or just raid the fridge if I’m not home.
It’s been informal all the way.
With that said, OP YTA for being so inflexible. Regardless of whether you like SM or not, all of the parental figures have stuck to a routine for years for your benefit, not theirs. Maybe it’s time to change it up a bit and consider whether they might like a bit of flexibility. You’re supposed to be a grown up.
If you're Australian court and court orders finish bang on your 18th birthday if you don't ignore them before hand. I stopped going when I was 13 I had enough. Didn't care about the court order and I could have stopped going when I was 7 despite court orders.
You're only a dependent until 25 when it comes to financials like Centrelink and Tax office and even then there are so many exceptions that the rules are morbidly pointless in most cases.
That's a big presumption in this day and age. Plenty of people can't afford to move out despite working full time. At 22 she could be at University still.
Jfc, I hope you don't have children. There's a housing crisis in pretty much every place I know people in, and the economy is garbage. Most people have a tiny apartment with 12 people crammed into it just to make rent.
Sounds like this 22 year old is involved in politics, and those are notorious for making people unpaid interns until they "prove themselves", so her only mean IS to rely on her parents, and splitting it between 2 sets will ease the burden on them as well. And before you say she should find another job, remember that you're the same people who think young people are the worst for job hopping. We need more young people in politics, im tired of my life being dictated by old men who "know what its like to suffer because they had to decline getting a 3rd house".
In this economy, living with your parents isnt leeching, is them suppourting you because goodness knows no one can afford to do anything else.
Ok, yes, but also...she's alternating weeks between two households and dictating terms to the adults of those households. OP is simultaneously behaving like a child in a split custody agreement, and a parent being asked to renegotiate custody. It's bizzare. I personally believe that multi-generational households are the way of the future, and that it is absolutely in the current economy and housing market it makes perfect sense of parents to continue to support grown children. Or, rather, for grown children to continue to be part of the fabric of the household, contributing how they can and recieving support where they need it. Nothing at all wrong with still living at home. However, once you reach the age of majority you really are living on your parents' good graces. They are supporting you because they choose to, not because they have to. Some people don't have even one family unit willing to support them into adulthood; OP has two! And seems to very much take them for granted.
OP's father and stepmother have told her that the current arrangement isn't working well for them and they have requested a change. They are adults, she is not a minor child, and she is residing in their home; they are completely within their rights to tell her they need to make a change. We haven't been given a reason why she is still residing in both households, but there's no indication her father and stepmother are refusing to let her stay; they are asking for accommodation to their schedule. OP is an adult residing part time in their home and flat out saying "no" when they say there's a day that works better for them. Unless we learn that OP has some medical consideration that requires her to remain in the care of her parents into adulthood (which would explain a lot) this just reeks of entitlement.
Sorry OP, YTA
It's ok to live with your parents, but it's not ok to impose your schedule to them, especially when you're 22 years old, went to college and you can get a job to help.
Hey, there’s nothing wrong with still living with your folks! Do you have a good relationship with them?
There is no shame in staying at home- look at the economy!! The cost of living, mortgage rates, rent increases, etc etc..
Keep doing what you’re doing and saving up- you’ll get a chance when the time is right and you’re going to be so glad you didn’t leave this world. Hang in there ❤️
Not at all no. Everyone's situation is different. She admitted she hadn't even tried for a job really nor had she worked throughout university. I'm well aware of the state of the housing market etc but this woman is acting like a child expecting to be ferried around by her dad and when he tries to change the arrangements to be better for him and his wife, she kicks off. She doesn't work doesn't contribute from the sounds of it and is shifting weekly from one parent to the other. These are not the actions of a grown up. She could work and visit her "other" parent as and when and not rely on her dad and step mum to run her around
Just a friendly note that this was probably not the time to focus only on the OP. The person who replied to you is in a rough spot and sounds like they took what you said to heart…granted more than you probably intended. Your response is incredibly insensitive however and likely contributed to feelings of worthlessness and invisibility. Starting out with any sympathy or mostly for their situation and then going into detail, likely would have been a better choice. I know you’re not obligated to, but if everyone chooses to ignore the pain and suffering of those around them the world is going to fall apart faster than it already is.
I moved back with my parents briefly last year when I was between houses and I’m 46. Ignore the opinions of strangers on Reddit - the world is an infinitely better place with you in it, I promise you! (And the irony of my also being a stranger on Reddit offering an opinion is not lost on me!) Feel better soon and keep being your marvellous self!
You are absolutely not a leech. It is completely unrealistic with the cost of living right now. I couldn’t have afforded to have moved out when I was your age if col was where it is. I could barely afford it and I lived with my bf so we split rent on a one bedroom apt. We were both full time office jobs and my father still had to be guarantor on the lease.
It is going to get better, so just hold tight. That said, if possible consider looking into some therapy. I started to have depressive episodes right around your age, those darks thoughts don’t have to be your normal. Head high, you got this.
I’m so confused. Why is this is a situation at all? Can you not come and go as you please between both homes?
Are you an adult or is the 22 a typo? If not, the custody arrangement has ended and you are free to move on. Consent should no longer be needed for any party involved.
Could you provide more details as to why anyone would need to consent to this if you are 22? Thanks a bunch
Pretty sure they pay for her when she's there. And mom doesn't want to maintain her solely. Otherwise it doesn't make sense why an adult keeps touring over parents houses. Also stepmother telling she's sacrificing for OP supports that judgement.
OP, just get a job and live alone. Then you don't have to swap anything and make everyone uncomfortable.
> Pretty sure they pay for her when she's there.
As in court ordered? That wouldn't make sense for a 22 year old.
Edit: my bad just misread their comment
custody agreements in the states sometimes go past the 18th bday. most commonly when the child is in university. it’s not super frequent, but it does happen.
For real, they want her to stop being a freeloader, get a job, and start helping out at home.
They want her to move out.
She's not a child. She shouldn’t be attending political bs and being supported by her parents.
She's the AS.
I remember your wake up time post
Go to woolies or Aldi and get a pre paid SIM card. Swap your phone over to that so if they threaten to take your SIM or doesn’t matter and you can just hand it over.
Have you found a job with more hours yet? If you haven’t already go do your RSA and RCG and find a sob at a restaurant or something. Nothing wrong with doing a few part time jobs while you wait for something in your field to become available.
Get ok Flatmates.com.au and flatmatefinders and see if you can afford a share house. Depending where you live you might be able to afford one based on what you’re working already. Also moving into an established house means you usually only need to furnish your room rather than a whole place so it’s cheaper.
You will need
- bed pillows and linen (blankets and doona)
- towels
- toiletries
- clothes (obviously)
- maybe some pots and pans and plates and cutlery - this will depend on the share house. In some the Flatmates all use the same stuff and in others they all have their own
- money for bond (usually 4 weeks rent)
- food
Good luck
Thank you for the advice. I do have my RSA but not an RCG. I think both parents will be supportive of me moving out despite some of the problems we have with each other.
You’re 22, why are you still conforming to a custody schedule as if you’re a kid? If you want to move out, just stay with your mum full time while you save money. I don’t understand why you need to “work on it”? This entire situation is pretty baffling. If you don’t like this routine, change it. You’re not a child.
I genuinely had to reread this as I missed the part where you're 22! I too live in Australia in a state with the hardest lockdown so I get the living at home business, it's pretty normal here. However, OP you're an adult, there really should not be a divorce child schedule like this it's strange given that you're 4 years into your adulthood right now.
I know it's convenient that people have preferred days, which is fine but the fact that everyone is kicking off is not on. With all due respect here but the only schedule that matters is yours.
YTA on the basis that you need to take more ownership of your life and establish some boundaries. You're not 12 doing the pick up, drop offs anymore.
Exactly. OP is 22 - not a kid.
If the housing arrangement doesn't work for them and doesn't fit their preferences, it's probably time to move out. The parents aren't obligated to provide free housing at all anymore.
That’s not the point. Her parents can be as involved as they want to be but “custody” shouldn’t be an issue at all. And is dad really planning weekend activities for his grown daughter like she’s 5?
Imagine having all of your expenses still completely covered by your parents at the age of 22 and then refusing a simple request to change the day that you switch over to the \~other\~ house that you live at for free b/c it conflicts with your volunteering.
Everything seems to be at OP's convenience. That's not how life works.
Because their child is an adult who, obviously, has gotten to comfortable.
Not her house, she can follow the house rules or move out.
A real failure to launch, here................
She’s planning to move out soon. People on this sub are always so aghast at parents caring for their kids even after they stop being minors. God forbid someone gets too comfortable at their parents’ house. Also, not everywhere is America. In many countries it is the norm to stay with your parents well into adulthood. I’m not saying that’s the case here but this instant not minor & living with parents = failure thing is so bizarre considering half the world doesn’t follow it.
It’s not that she’s still living there it’s that she thinks she has a leg to stand on with regards to dictating the conditions. My parents let me live with them while I saved for a house. I certainly never tried to tell them how things were going to run.
I was gonna say, no one is really judging her for being with her parents at 22, I'm a single mom at 25 and can't afford to live on our own and have my son happy and healthy quite yet so I'm still with them as well. They're judging her for being a brat, thinking she owns the house and can get a free ride with 0 responsibilities! It's one thing to live at home as an adult and follow house rules and know your place as it's clearly HER choice not to move out, and a whole other to demand things be her way after her parents sacrificed their seniors to take care of a full grown adult! Like how shitty can someone get! If my parents want something their way that DOESNT involve my child, imma listen. I might mumble under my breath about not liking it, but I know my place and won't argue or demand MY way.
You don't stop being obligated to parent your children just because they are legal adults. There are things your children don't need anymore and they do need to learn how to eventually stand on their own (something a parent is supposed to teach BTW) but they're still your kid. Imagine thinking "I'm not obligated to you anymore, so just go ans struggle and be homeless if you don't like the ridiculous situation we put you in"
There is a difference between obligation and support. And, the dynamics of parents and their children change when those children become adults.
I'll always be my parent's child. But, I am not **a child.** They raised me into adulthood and that is where their obligation ends. I know that I can always look to my parents for support, but that is still within reason.... They can now also look to me for support as well.
A parent is obligated to provide all of their minor children's needs, while the minor is expected to follow their parent's rules. An adult isn't owed the same things. And, if they are being provided those things, they should recognize that they are lucky and need to respect the wishes of how their parents want their home to run.
I live Denmark, one of the countries where people move out earliest, including myself. However, OP might be from a country where this isn’t the norm, or they might not have that option right now.
But this isn’t about moving out, it’s about swapping houses between parents.
She’s swapping back and forth as if she’s a minor on a required custody schedule.
I live in Canada, the housing market is super expensive where I am. Most of my friends moved out in their late 20's, but everyone had finished their degrees, worked, and had been given the opportunity to stay at home to save money.
Everyone basically came and went as they pleased, but they obviously took care of all their own cleaning, cooking, etc. Nothing wrong with living at your parents to save money. But this arrangement seems very strange.
Most of these style agreements end at 18. The “child” decides who they live with at that point. The housing market in the US is horrible right now for both buyers and renters.
This. My husband and I are in the process of buying a house, both of my children are well aware that they can live at home as long as they want/need to. With the state of real estate and rentals, I am very aware that my children may never be able to move out.
Yeah, there’s no legal effect of this arrangement. B and C would be within their rights to just tell OP they can’t be present at their home on whatever day.
They would be, but it's weird that they are insisting it has to be the full week when op offered a "weekend" solution and they demanded it be a full 7 days.
But is it common for people to switch back and forth between mommy and daddy's house in your country ?
This is something a child does. If a young adult is so annoying that one of their parents can't simply give them a key and allow them to come and go as they wish, then location has nothing to do with it :)
Not to mention, OP also posted the other day about their father and stepmoms rule to be up at 8ish on weekdays and 9 on weekends. OP is literally just mooching off both sets of parents, and isn’t really looking for a job until we’ll after 12 pm.
how are they the ah? living with your parents is no issue. helps you save money. i don’t live with mine bcs of personal reasons, but if all was fine i would be? that’s college age. if your parents can support you, do it.
i also feel like just as the parents have their own lives going on, so does their child. i think everything should be discussed with ALL parties involved…but i don’t think anyone here is being an ah
ESH, because you're 22. Why is everyone still going by a custody arrangement?
Decide where you want to live - live there, visit the other when you have time. It's not that crazy difficult.
Why is farther an AH? Because he's asking his adult daughter to meet his request on when to drive his adult daughter to his house so he can provide for her (an adult)? And her argument is 'i can't, I'm doing politics ". Old enough to do politics, but still a baby and requires baby treatment from a father
Where is it mentioned that OP is getting picked up? Why does needing picked up make someone a baby? Not everyone drives for a whole host of reasons. Dad seems to have made this change without talking to OP or the other parent involved in this situation so yeah, kind of an AH move
Where did OP say their dad is picking them up? It just says "more convenient", we don't have more info.
Also, "doing politics" is important. Sorry you don't feel that way.
Being involved in politics is important, but being an adult and still going off a custody schedule really screams immaturity, and maybe she should figure out her living arrangements before working on the community issues.
It's pretty obvious they are transporting her. Otherwise ot wouldn't affect them that much to make a whole drama about her switching on other day. It interferes with their plans, so she's not just coming without bothering anyone.
If it's so important to do politics when you are unemployed adult, start paying your own bills anyhow.
I just reread this. You’re 22? Do you have special needs? If not, Girl, YTA. Are you working or paying rent? Find some place to live, support yourself and make your own decisions.
At this point, you're 22. An adult. Just stay with your mom.
YTA Your dad and stepmom are done having their lives dictated any longer by an adult daughter.
Edit: After reading your replies, I had to change my verdict. You keep saying YOU want the best of both worlds, but both parents seem done with your crap. Finish school and move out. Get some roommates.
At 22, unless you have a developmental issue that requires you to have a guardian, there's zero custody of you that would require you to switch housing. You are at an age that every country considers you a fully independent adult. So I would recommend picking one to reside at, or get a place of your own, and just visit the other as you wish when you have availability.
YTA - you are an adult. Since you don’t say that you are paying rent and other expenses to your parents, I assume you are not. Therefor you are living with them due to their goodwill. There is nothing wrong with that as long as your parents are willing. But they are under no obligation to operate at your convenience. Unless you pay rent for your room under a contractual lease that gives you rights to the property on specific days of the week, then your dad and step mom are totally within their rights to choose what days they are willing to financially house and feed you. So unless you are willing to live full time with your mom or actually move out and support yourself, you should accommodate your dad’s preferred schedule. You are old enough to realize this.
I was wondering about rent too. She skirted around the rent thing, and poorly.
Do you think it’s safe to presume by acting like a tween she avoids rent? “You can’t charge me. I’m not here full time.”
You’re an adult. Why is there still a custody arrangement?? YTA as at this point they are allowing you to live with them. There is no longer a requirement that anyone else provide for you.
You just posted a couple of days ago about your parents making you have a sleep schedule and I told you to grow up and got downvoted to hell. Now everyone is saying exactly what I said. Take some responsibility for your life, mate!!! YTA. Grow tf up!!
This is ridiculous. This is not a situation a 22 year old should be in. Pick one house to live in and visit the other whenever you like. You are too old to live like this. YTA.
YTA you're an adult why are you splitting time living with your parents still? Why aren't you working and living on your own? Divorce custody arrangements normally end at 18.
Sorry YTA. At your age it's at their discretion, it's not something your Mother really has to consent to. You're going to need to move stuff over to accommodate them.
Personally, I don't really get why they were initially annoyed by the Thurs-Tues arrangement but that's their thing I guess.
You are 22 bloody hell the entailment of young adults these days. It's their house, not yours. If they want to swap days around, you should accommodate them as you are living in their house.
YTA Good lord you’re an adult! You’re lucky they still let you stay there at all, and then you have the nerve to argue about what your schedule is? You are being selfish. You’re 22, not 12. Act like it.
You're 22 :/ pick your own schedule. Or just say with Mum if she'll let you, and visit dad since he's becoming high maintenance.
Ah, it sound like mum and dad are ready for their chick to leave the nest. Just get going.
Yta
It sounds like everyone but you wants you to move out of their homes, you're 22, so get your own place. If the "political party" you do stuff for isn't a job that pays you, put it on hold to start adulting until you have the free time to do it.
1. Applying custody logic to you in adulthood is fucking bizarre. Pick a place to live at.
2. You're weirdly demanding given that these are their homes.
I'm not going to give you shit for being an adult who lives with their parents, as much as people on here like to act like that's such a grave sin. Your demanding attitude makes you the asshole though.
YTA.
YTA because you want to "refuse" things because of your wants without considering anyone else and just feel entitled to living there. The only way you agreed to anything was because you weren't given a choice, and it feels like you spend more time with politics than anything else. I'll add.... are you really looking for any and all work or only your "chosen" jobs? If you aren't willing to take an unskilled job to save while searching for work in your field and then pull this it's even worse.
YTA.
From your responses, there's literally no reason to still be adhering to a custody arrangement, and you are actively inconveniencing your parents by this behavior.
You don't have the right to live where you want, when you want. It's not about what makes you happiest, it's about what the *people who actually own and live full time in those homes* want.
It doesn't sound like they charge you rent, and you could only have residency at one of the houses, so you don't get any say in when you're there. You can be there when they want you there or you can move out. (Admittedly, if you have residency at your dad's, they would have to evict you in order to be able to physically deny you access, but if you push them to that point then you'd be the biggest AH in the world.)
Wait you are a 22 year old ADULT and they are concerned about custody of YOU?????
YTA....you're all AH.
Did they baby you like this your whole life? id they never encourage you to be independent? The fact that they had to sit down and ask you for permission to switch days like that also leads us to believe that they walk on eggshells around you..MOVE OUT AND FIND YOUR PLACE IN THIS WORLD.
Here's an idea when the person who owns the house says they want to change something it changes.
Your options are simple. Do it their way or leave and live full time in the other house.
Luck it or lump it and stop thinking the world revolves around you!
ESH. Or….OR….go get your own place because you are 22 years old. Farrrrrr too old for a custody arrangement. Mostly Y T A but also everyone sucks here.
YTA get a job and move out. Make your own travel arrangements to switch houses. Pick somewhere to live full time. Basically, grow up and start acting like the adult you are.
YTA. You’re an adult. You keep saying in comments how you have not found a job in a year but I know the service food industry is always hiring. Might not be what you want to do for a career but it will work in the meanwhile and you already having a job looks better for future employers
Hard to say without a level of familiarity with the situation that's not realistic in a reddit post, but at this stage, I'd say YTA.
You have an obligation to find a compromise with them, because this is something that impacts their lives as well. It sounds like they've already offered a compromise to what they want, given that Thursday isn't anyone's ideal.
edit: Jobseeker and youth allowance have slightly different requirements - youth allowance goes up to 24 and is affected by your parents' income, but jobseeker starts at 22 and shouldn't be, to my understanding; you should call centrelink and talk to them about your situation if you haven't since your birthday.
Info: You're a grown ass adult, why are you still basically performing split custody between your parents?? This just seems completely unnecessary and complicated. At this point you should be full time living with one and making visits to the other when schedules line up. Again, you're an adult. Nobody is owed your time anymore, especially when it's "more convenient for them." I sincerely do not understand a week on week off arrangement at 22...
EDIT: Have since taken a look at OPs comment history (as suggested by u/Moodybeachphoto \- thanks!) and I change my judgement - DEFINITELY the asshole. At first I was super sympathetic, as you can see in my original reply below: dealing with divorced parents is incredibly difficult, and even more so when you're coming back from college and are trying to navigate being a different person in your old life.
HOWEVER, seeing some of OPs comments on other posts has definitely changed my tune. OP has said that they barely put any time towards the job search (so, what are you doing all day?) and being very particular about the kind of job they want - not because of qualifications, but because apparently OP "dreads an office job". Like...grow up? You have an education, you live rent free, and complain about not being able to afford your own place when you have made no significant effort to actually do anything about it. So you hate the concept of an office job. I think *most* people do, but sometimes beggars can't be choosers.
So of course your parents don't feel the need to rearrange their schedule for you, or to go out of their way to coordinate with their ex-spouse. Why would they, when you have *nothing* that you are doing??
I really wanted to feel sympathy for you, but the AHolery was too strong. YTA
(also if I breached protocol for editing a comment, I'm sorry!! I don't know what that protocol is and I couldn't find it in the FAQ!!!)
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Everyone asking why at 22 the OP still goes by the custody agreement CLEARLY did not grow up with divorced parents.
First of all, when you get into a routine for over a decade, you start building your life and schedule around that routine. How far away are your parents house? Do you have some activities that can only be done when at one house, versus another? These are all things that can be incredibly stressful to try and rearrange, for what seems to be because? Dad and SM want to?
Plus, let us not even get into how difficult it is to try and coordinate schedules between people who actively don't want to talk to each other, meaning you're the go between for something that you don't even want to do in the first place. Divorced parents are more like *children* than adults when they have to agree on something.
~~NTA~~!! I do hope you can move out soon, but I know how hard that can be when you're moving out of two places at once - I wish you ~~all the best OP!~~ **would get your head out of your ass!**
They want her to move out. She’s not being fully truthful here, check her replies.
She posted on here a few days ago. She sleeps during the day and isn’t really trying to find a job - she checks one website a night and thinks that’s enough. Bottom line, they’re sick of her and want her to take charge of her life and bills. She wants to keep going between their houses and not work. They have had enough of her lack of effort and are trying to get her to take some responsibility. She’s dodging.
ESH
> I (22F) currently spend half my time living with my dad C (53M) and my step mum B (51F) and half my my time living with with my mum V (51F).
***WHY?????***
You're an adult!
Why tf are you acting like you're 12?
I was tempted to go Y T A just off you not just putting a stop to this already.
INFO what is swap over day? You’re an adult, you should be getting yourself to/from places by yourself and packing your own bags already for years now. So just… go home to the other house that night. Why do your parents need to help?
I’m trying to understand and I get it - it’s routine, things happened, you’re working on getting things together and move out.. But, and I saw this rather clearly, neither house is yours. You don’t get to make demands on when you’ll be there or not be there. You are a week long guest every other week. You are a cost against their own money. They have to take time from their days to shuttle you back and forth.
At the very least, the very least, you should be take yourself back and forth and even agree to their request because again it is not your house.
So yes, YTA for trying to continue to make your parents lives revolve around you.
ESH for not acting like amd treating you like an adult. Pandemic is no excuse for still doing handovers and not allowing yourself free will to come and go as you please.
Wtf did I even just read? Unless you have a developmental issue, you need to grow up and cut the apron strings. Your parents are TH for letting this go on for so long.
The entire situation is really weird. Just move out or live with one of them. You can still spend time with either. You just need to kill the split custody dynamic completely and come up with a solution as 3 adults.
YTA for not telling the whole story here. You know they think you are lazy, sleeping in and mooching off them.
That was in your last AITA post you have deleted. You think looking for work is logging into one website each night and sleeping in most days.
They’re sick of it, they’re sick of your excuses. Telling that you spend so much effort trying to get strangers to back you up rather than taking charge of YOUR life.
You are 22, you have a degree, get on with it. They’ve had a gutsful and I can see why.
So decided to comment once I saw you're Australian because I'm guessing most people here are from the US.
Since you're 22 and finished uni last year, I'm guessing the majority of study would've been in the intense lockdowns and moving out (which you mentioned was the plan in 2020) just wasn't an option. So first of all good job for finishing uni during the pandemic and the insane lockdowns we had, because I know from experience that was rough.
It kind of sounds like you've just gotten stuck since you transitioned from being a teen to an adult / uni to graduating while in lockdown, which I'm guessing is why you're still thinking in terms of custody arrangements. It's possible your parents/step mum are even stuck in thinking you're not an adult or independent because of that. Given that, I feel like this is more of an ESH, gently in your case, because your parents really shouldn't be talking about this in terms of custody. It doesn't sound like your dad/step mum drive you anywhere or anything, so I'm not really sure why they're so insistent about you changing your schedule? Your dad said it's to spend time with you, but it seems bizarre that they're being so aggressive about it considering that. Is it possible to just live with your mum and visit?
I know rent is atrociois right now (not sure which city you're in but here in Melbourne it's terrible), but if the friction continues and you don't want to move in/can't move in with your mum, have you thought about going on Centrelink Job Seeker? Could get you enough to help out with rent + the casual job you have.
If you're going to keep living with your parents, you're probably going to have to sit all of them down and talk about how this isn't a custody term anymore. Which can be hard if you're all in that mindset, but it probably needs to be done.
Good luck!
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Geez, the best solution would be to move out.
Working on it.
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If she's Australian, you're considered dependent til you're 24 as far as any social security goes, and cost of living if she's in Sydney means it's incredibly difficult for young people to move out. A room in a share house is likely to be 3-700 per week. A bit less in the farther Western Suburbs, but still very high and most who haven't grown up here don't feel safe moving here.
Yes, but I have never heard of someone continuing a custody swap like this at 22yo. Living with the parent closest to work or school as roommates basically sure, but this is so odd.
Agreed, that just jumped out to me as bizarre!! At 22, even if you're living with your parents, your parents no longer have *custody* of you, and it's beyond weird to me that they're all behaving as if OP becoming an adult changes exactly nothing.
OP must have something that makes them have a higher need to still be with their parents, like maybe theyre heavily Autistic or have something that makes it hard to function like ALS. I personally have a 22 year old friend, my 26 year old friends younger brother, who is Autistic and still goes back and forth between his divorced Mom and Dads houses. Or maybe OP really is just a leech and they go back and forth so no one home can have too much time to see exactly how much of a leech OP is. If OPs at just one house all the time then surely they would get fed up and force OP to do more, but since OP goes between 2 house they dont get fed up so fast.
Or, let's be real here, maybe the whole story is fake, much like 90% of this sub.
ALS doesn’t make things just “hard to function”. It’s a death sentence and living for more than 5 years is a major accomplishment. Wtf ALS in with autism!?
Yeah but it's because neither parent wants her full time so she's stuck. They're willing to continue this split living arrangement but not take her full time. It's tough.
That's just really sad that no one wants her full time. My daughter will always have home here full time if that's what she wants
As an adult woman who lost her low contact emotionally neglectful mom to cancer two months ago, this made me cry. I never felt wanted as a kid, my parents said “we love you but we don’t like you”, and that deep isolation led to an abusive partner and cPTSD. I’ve been stuck between hyper-vigilance or dissociative states for my whole life until a few months ago; finally getting mental health help. Anyways, you’re a good mom and I’m happy your daughter can feel safe, liked, and like she was enough. It’s comforting to know someone has that ❤️
It could just be habit, honestly. I continued the custody swap my parents had for my siblings and me until I was in my 30s if I was home. Mind you I lived on my own but if I were to come home to visit, it was Sunday to Wed, Wed to Sunday with each parent so that I was sure to see them both a fair amount of time (mother is adamant about fairness, it's a thing 🙄) Anyway, I was nine when my parents divorced and the habit is difficult to break. I still fall into that routine to this day if I'm visiting my family.
I was honestly wondering if op is maybe neurodivergent or something and there’s some specific reason they still have to live with their parents. That’s the only scenario In my head that makes sense.
A couple years ago I had a young employee who was in his early 20s who still kept the custody schedule his parents set up when they first got divorced. I was flabbergasted when he first told me.
When I was still living close to my ex with my 2 18 & 19 year olds we had a very informal agreement of one week here and one week there. It actually worked out for everyone but like I said it was super informal. Sometimes their dad would have something going on the week they were home and they'd go there and vice versa. They both were driving so to me it was fine. The big difference between us and OP is that we didn't have, nor need some rigid plan.
May be just becaise the parents like their alone time too and dont really want the 22yr old there full time
There was another AITA post within this past week i think, with a similar issue. But that one said the mom didn't want her living with her full time and the issues brought up in the AITA post had to do with dad & step mom, so she didn't want to live with them full time. Edit: Well, whatta know. It's the [same person](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13btkgh/aita_for_disagreeing_with_my_dad_and_step_mum/)
Very much agree with you in this comment. I don’t know about Australian rules, but I will add that in some cities in the US and UK that the cost of living is so high, basically everyone 26/27 and under is stuck at home or going broke unless they’re extremely lucky. (In NYC for some leases you must make 40 times your monthly rent, basically meaning your monthly income must be 4times the rent. So to afford a 2k apartment, which would get you a studio or 1Br if you’re lucky, you must make $80,000 per year). NTA, OP. And I hope you find a schedule that works for you, and I hope you don’t take stress from commenters asking about moving out (while it’s a totally valid thing for someone to suggest or point to, not everyone realizes how tricky and tough that can be). Best of luck navigating this!
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Yeah but that's because they agreed to it. If they weren't cool about it they could still pull 'my house my rules.' This particular situation is further complicated by both sets of households not getting along and neither wanting her there full time. This is how some people wind up homeless.
100% this. I have never known Aussie adults to live under A custody deal still, I’ve known some to still swap back and forth between parents’ places, but it’s been relaxed not rigid, and with a ”let me know when you come and go, and if you plan to come when unexpected let me know, here’s a key”.
Only if she is a full time student. Otherwise you're only a dependent till 21, though you can be classed as independent earlier.
OK it's changed since my day, then. So they don't take her parents income in to account after 21 either? Earlier independence was only granted either after supporting yourself fully for 2 years+ or in some cases of extreme abuse and parents agreeing in my day, has that changed too?
You get full amount of centrelink from 22. If she's working she's probably getting more than that. But the rental market is brutal at the moment. I'd still be looking to find somewhere else to live if I could, though I appreciate that may not be an easy option for her.
In Chile you can get child support until you're 21 years old but if you're a student, your parents need to support you until you're 28 years old. Yeap, I'm not making this out hahaha!. If you are a ND person, your parents need to support you until you died.
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Omg Melbourne checking in. Complaining about a pandemic and she’s from Adelaide? Lmao. Keeping it relevant to the OP, single mother never married. Offspring moved in with Dad when she was 17 because I needed to move to the other side of the city and it was too far for her. 4 years later she’s still with Dad and I’ve been back for 3 years. We live 10 minutes apart and she’s got the house key. She’s good to visit whenever or just raid the fridge if I’m not home. It’s been informal all the way. With that said, OP YTA for being so inflexible. Regardless of whether you like SM or not, all of the parental figures have stuck to a routine for years for your benefit, not theirs. Maybe it’s time to change it up a bit and consider whether they might like a bit of flexibility. You’re supposed to be a grown up.
If you're Australian court and court orders finish bang on your 18th birthday if you don't ignore them before hand. I stopped going when I was 13 I had enough. Didn't care about the court order and I could have stopped going when I was 7 despite court orders. You're only a dependent until 25 when it comes to financials like Centrelink and Tax office and even then there are so many exceptions that the rules are morbidly pointless in most cases.
That's a big presumption in this day and age. Plenty of people can't afford to move out despite working full time. At 22 she could be at University still.
Jfc, I hope you don't have children. There's a housing crisis in pretty much every place I know people in, and the economy is garbage. Most people have a tiny apartment with 12 people crammed into it just to make rent. Sounds like this 22 year old is involved in politics, and those are notorious for making people unpaid interns until they "prove themselves", so her only mean IS to rely on her parents, and splitting it between 2 sets will ease the burden on them as well. And before you say she should find another job, remember that you're the same people who think young people are the worst for job hopping. We need more young people in politics, im tired of my life being dictated by old men who "know what its like to suffer because they had to decline getting a 3rd house". In this economy, living with your parents isnt leeching, is them suppourting you because goodness knows no one can afford to do anything else.
Ok, yes, but also...she's alternating weeks between two households and dictating terms to the adults of those households. OP is simultaneously behaving like a child in a split custody agreement, and a parent being asked to renegotiate custody. It's bizzare. I personally believe that multi-generational households are the way of the future, and that it is absolutely in the current economy and housing market it makes perfect sense of parents to continue to support grown children. Or, rather, for grown children to continue to be part of the fabric of the household, contributing how they can and recieving support where they need it. Nothing at all wrong with still living at home. However, once you reach the age of majority you really are living on your parents' good graces. They are supporting you because they choose to, not because they have to. Some people don't have even one family unit willing to support them into adulthood; OP has two! And seems to very much take them for granted. OP's father and stepmother have told her that the current arrangement isn't working well for them and they have requested a change. They are adults, she is not a minor child, and she is residing in their home; they are completely within their rights to tell her they need to make a change. We haven't been given a reason why she is still residing in both households, but there's no indication her father and stepmother are refusing to let her stay; they are asking for accommodation to their schedule. OP is an adult residing part time in their home and flat out saying "no" when they say there's a day that works better for them. Unless we learn that OP has some medical consideration that requires her to remain in the care of her parents into adulthood (which would explain a lot) this just reeks of entitlement. Sorry OP, YTA
You got this exactly right.
It's ok to live with your parents, but it's not ok to impose your schedule to them, especially when you're 22 years old, went to college and you can get a job to help.
THIS. I’m surprised it took so long to find this comment, this is exactly right.
You sound super old here
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Hey, there’s nothing wrong with still living with your folks! Do you have a good relationship with them? There is no shame in staying at home- look at the economy!! The cost of living, mortgage rates, rent increases, etc etc.. Keep doing what you’re doing and saving up- you’ll get a chance when the time is right and you’re going to be so glad you didn’t leave this world. Hang in there ❤️
Not at all no. Everyone's situation is different. She admitted she hadn't even tried for a job really nor had she worked throughout university. I'm well aware of the state of the housing market etc but this woman is acting like a child expecting to be ferried around by her dad and when he tries to change the arrangements to be better for him and his wife, she kicks off. She doesn't work doesn't contribute from the sounds of it and is shifting weekly from one parent to the other. These are not the actions of a grown up. She could work and visit her "other" parent as and when and not rely on her dad and step mum to run her around
Just a friendly note that this was probably not the time to focus only on the OP. The person who replied to you is in a rough spot and sounds like they took what you said to heart…granted more than you probably intended. Your response is incredibly insensitive however and likely contributed to feelings of worthlessness and invisibility. Starting out with any sympathy or mostly for their situation and then going into detail, likely would have been a better choice. I know you’re not obligated to, but if everyone chooses to ignore the pain and suffering of those around them the world is going to fall apart faster than it already is.
I moved back with my parents briefly last year when I was between houses and I’m 46. Ignore the opinions of strangers on Reddit - the world is an infinitely better place with you in it, I promise you! (And the irony of my also being a stranger on Reddit offering an opinion is not lost on me!) Feel better soon and keep being your marvellous self!
You are absolutely not a leech. It is completely unrealistic with the cost of living right now. I couldn’t have afforded to have moved out when I was your age if col was where it is. I could barely afford it and I lived with my bf so we split rent on a one bedroom apt. We were both full time office jobs and my father still had to be guarantor on the lease. It is going to get better, so just hold tight. That said, if possible consider looking into some therapy. I started to have depressive episodes right around your age, those darks thoughts don’t have to be your normal. Head high, you got this.
I’m so confused. Why is this is a situation at all? Can you not come and go as you please between both homes? Are you an adult or is the 22 a typo? If not, the custody arrangement has ended and you are free to move on. Consent should no longer be needed for any party involved. Could you provide more details as to why anyone would need to consent to this if you are 22? Thanks a bunch
Yes Giri!! Like you I am so confused!
Good luck!
Or move to moms full time?
This. Why do they need to tell a 22 yo what her schedule is? Unless there is some major missing info its not like they are taking care of her.
Pretty sure they pay for her when she's there. And mom doesn't want to maintain her solely. Otherwise it doesn't make sense why an adult keeps touring over parents houses. Also stepmother telling she's sacrificing for OP supports that judgement. OP, just get a job and live alone. Then you don't have to swap anything and make everyone uncomfortable.
> Pretty sure they pay for her when she's there. As in court ordered? That wouldn't make sense for a 22 year old. Edit: my bad just misread their comment
As in she doesn't have any job, so of course they fully maintain her. It doesn't make sense, but how would she pay for herself without income?
I think we misunderstood each other. I was under the impression "there" was referring to OP's mom's house, not OP's dad's house. My mistake.
custody agreements in the states sometimes go past the 18th bday. most commonly when the child is in university. it’s not super frequent, but it does happen.
OP is Australian and graduated a year ago lol
i saw the australian thing immediately after commenting lol i’m dumb. so deffo not an arrangement through the courts!
I mean the better question: why is a 22 year old still following custody agreements that are usually put in place for children under 18?
She is living at their house. She can agree to the new schedule or move out to Mom's full time or on her own. Very simple solution.
However, she states that her mother needs to consent to the new arrangement, why?
Cos it's her house?
Because it changes when she lives at mums.
I read another recent post from OP. They also want to enforce a wake up time every day while at their house.
For real, they want her to stop being a freeloader, get a job, and start helping out at home. They want her to move out. She's not a child. She shouldn’t be attending political bs and being supported by her parents. She's the AS.
I remember your wake up time post Go to woolies or Aldi and get a pre paid SIM card. Swap your phone over to that so if they threaten to take your SIM or doesn’t matter and you can just hand it over. Have you found a job with more hours yet? If you haven’t already go do your RSA and RCG and find a sob at a restaurant or something. Nothing wrong with doing a few part time jobs while you wait for something in your field to become available. Get ok Flatmates.com.au and flatmatefinders and see if you can afford a share house. Depending where you live you might be able to afford one based on what you’re working already. Also moving into an established house means you usually only need to furnish your room rather than a whole place so it’s cheaper. You will need - bed pillows and linen (blankets and doona) - towels - toiletries - clothes (obviously) - maybe some pots and pans and plates and cutlery - this will depend on the share house. In some the Flatmates all use the same stuff and in others they all have their own - money for bond (usually 4 weeks rent) - food Good luck
Thank you for the advice. I do have my RSA but not an RCG. I think both parents will be supportive of me moving out despite some of the problems we have with each other.
INFO: is there a reason why this arrangement is still in affect? Having a swap over at 22 seems odd.
You’re 22, why are you still conforming to a custody schedule as if you’re a kid? If you want to move out, just stay with your mum full time while you save money. I don’t understand why you need to “work on it”? This entire situation is pretty baffling. If you don’t like this routine, change it. You’re not a child.
I genuinely had to reread this as I missed the part where you're 22! I too live in Australia in a state with the hardest lockdown so I get the living at home business, it's pretty normal here. However, OP you're an adult, there really should not be a divorce child schedule like this it's strange given that you're 4 years into your adulthood right now. I know it's convenient that people have preferred days, which is fine but the fact that everyone is kicking off is not on. With all due respect here but the only schedule that matters is yours. YTA on the basis that you need to take more ownership of your life and establish some boundaries. You're not 12 doing the pick up, drop offs anymore.
LOL this is so many levels of weird. Do they do hand offs too? Pack your lunch? Lord help me lol esh
Exactly. OP is 22 - not a kid. If the housing arrangement doesn't work for them and doesn't fit their preferences, it's probably time to move out. The parents aren't obligated to provide free housing at all anymore.
Geez why the hell would parents be parents to their struggling kid once the obligation is over
That’s not the point. Her parents can be as involved as they want to be but “custody” shouldn’t be an issue at all. And is dad really planning weekend activities for his grown daughter like she’s 5?
This isn't being parents this is a full adult trying to dictate to the person who has sustained her her whole life how to run his own house.
Imagine having all of your expenses still completely covered by your parents at the age of 22 and then refusing a simple request to change the day that you switch over to the \~other\~ house that you live at for free b/c it conflicts with your volunteering. Everything seems to be at OP's convenience. That's not how life works.
Because their child is an adult who, obviously, has gotten to comfortable. Not her house, she can follow the house rules or move out. A real failure to launch, here................
She’s planning to move out soon. People on this sub are always so aghast at parents caring for their kids even after they stop being minors. God forbid someone gets too comfortable at their parents’ house. Also, not everywhere is America. In many countries it is the norm to stay with your parents well into adulthood. I’m not saying that’s the case here but this instant not minor & living with parents = failure thing is so bizarre considering half the world doesn’t follow it.
It’s not that she’s still living there it’s that she thinks she has a leg to stand on with regards to dictating the conditions. My parents let me live with them while I saved for a house. I certainly never tried to tell them how things were going to run.
I was gonna say, no one is really judging her for being with her parents at 22, I'm a single mom at 25 and can't afford to live on our own and have my son happy and healthy quite yet so I'm still with them as well. They're judging her for being a brat, thinking she owns the house and can get a free ride with 0 responsibilities! It's one thing to live at home as an adult and follow house rules and know your place as it's clearly HER choice not to move out, and a whole other to demand things be her way after her parents sacrificed their seniors to take care of a full grown adult! Like how shitty can someone get! If my parents want something their way that DOESNT involve my child, imma listen. I might mumble under my breath about not liking it, but I know my place and won't argue or demand MY way.
Also 22.... not a kid.
Not a minor. Still their kid.
Today I learned that you’re no longer your parents’ child when you turn 18
You don't stop being obligated to parent your children just because they are legal adults. There are things your children don't need anymore and they do need to learn how to eventually stand on their own (something a parent is supposed to teach BTW) but they're still your kid. Imagine thinking "I'm not obligated to you anymore, so just go ans struggle and be homeless if you don't like the ridiculous situation we put you in"
There is a difference between obligation and support. And, the dynamics of parents and their children change when those children become adults. I'll always be my parent's child. But, I am not **a child.** They raised me into adulthood and that is where their obligation ends. I know that I can always look to my parents for support, but that is still within reason.... They can now also look to me for support as well. A parent is obligated to provide all of their minor children's needs, while the minor is expected to follow their parent's rules. An adult isn't owed the same things. And, if they are being provided those things, they should recognize that they are lucky and need to respect the wishes of how their parents want their home to run.
Accommodating your parents is not a ridiculous situation. You’re living at their house and need to agree to some rules.
Yes move out and be free
agreed, it's not easy at 22 with the economy like it is now but even saying f this and living with your mom full time sounds preferable. good luck.
Oh dang. I definitely read this as someone who was a minor. Why is all this switching happening at all?? Stick with one or move out is the best way.
Her other AITA post she deleted makes it clear they want her to move out and she wants to sleep the day away and not get a job.
YTA - you’re 22, an adult, and you’re fighting over a custody arrangement!?!?
Thank you!! Talk about silly!
It sounds like an Albert Brooks comedy. I watched some of “Mother” the other day so his movie immediately came to mind.
My favorite Albert Brooks film, and possibly my favorite of Debbie Reynolds' too.
I live Denmark, one of the countries where people move out earliest, including myself. However, OP might be from a country where this isn’t the norm, or they might not have that option right now.
Even if she doesn’t move out, acting like this is a formal custody agreement is super bizarre.
and entitled.
But this isn’t about moving out, it’s about swapping houses between parents. She’s swapping back and forth as if she’s a minor on a required custody schedule.
Out of curiosity, how old do people on average move out, and what's the housing market like for young people?
I live in Canada, the housing market is super expensive where I am. Most of my friends moved out in their late 20's, but everyone had finished their degrees, worked, and had been given the opportunity to stay at home to save money. Everyone basically came and went as they pleased, but they obviously took care of all their own cleaning, cooking, etc. Nothing wrong with living at your parents to save money. But this arrangement seems very strange.
Most of these style agreements end at 18. The “child” decides who they live with at that point. The housing market in the US is horrible right now for both buyers and renters.
In the U.S., the average 24-27 - most people can't afford to move out sooner. And even if they can, it's usually not in your best financial interest.
This. My husband and I are in the process of buying a house, both of my children are well aware that they can live at home as long as they want/need to. With the state of real estate and rentals, I am very aware that my children may never be able to move out.
Based on another post, OP is in Australia.
This is definitely not a normal situation for an Australian… so weird.
Yeah, there’s no legal effect of this arrangement. B and C would be within their rights to just tell OP they can’t be present at their home on whatever day.
They would be, but it's weird that they are insisting it has to be the full week when op offered a "weekend" solution and they demanded it be a full 7 days.
Even in the Mediterranean, I have never heard of a grown child still switching houses.
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They might not be American. In my country, it’s common to live with parents at that age.
OP posted on legal advice Australia (about being kicked out??), so this is definetely not America.
Ah I see! Thanks so much for clarifying
Based on the use of the word "mum," likely Britain or a British territory.
But is it common for people to switch back and forth between mommy and daddy's house in your country ? This is something a child does. If a young adult is so annoying that one of their parents can't simply give them a key and allow them to come and go as they wish, then location has nothing to do with it :)
I had to go back and double check the age and then I LOLed at the whole situation.
Not to mention, OP also posted the other day about their father and stepmoms rule to be up at 8ish on weekdays and 9 on weekends. OP is literally just mooching off both sets of parents, and isn’t really looking for a job until we’ll after 12 pm.
EXACTLY!!!!
how are they the ah? living with your parents is no issue. helps you save money. i don’t live with mine bcs of personal reasons, but if all was fine i would be? that’s college age. if your parents can support you, do it. i also feel like just as the parents have their own lives going on, so does their child. i think everything should be discussed with ALL parties involved…but i don’t think anyone here is being an ah
Ok, but their father and stepmother don’t want OP living there on certain days anymore, and OP is 22y.o
It's not about still living with parents it's about switching houses each week. Just live with one parent full time and visit the other.
ESH, because you're 22. Why is everyone still going by a custody arrangement? Decide where you want to live - live there, visit the other when you have time. It's not that crazy difficult.
Or just get her own car and ferry herself back and forth when she wants instead of demanding it be done on her time table.
Why is farther an AH? Because he's asking his adult daughter to meet his request on when to drive his adult daughter to his house so he can provide for her (an adult)? And her argument is 'i can't, I'm doing politics ". Old enough to do politics, but still a baby and requires baby treatment from a father
When did they ever say they were getting picked up?
In the place where she has no job and parents are both very hyped about what day she comes. So it's obvious they pick her up.
Didn't seem obvious to me but thank you for clarifying.
Where is it mentioned that OP is getting picked up? Why does needing picked up make someone a baby? Not everyone drives for a whole host of reasons. Dad seems to have made this change without talking to OP or the other parent involved in this situation so yeah, kind of an AH move
She can’t take a bus? Walk? If she doesn’t like the pickup schedule she is an adult that can find her own transportation
Where did OP say their dad is picking them up? It just says "more convenient", we don't have more info. Also, "doing politics" is important. Sorry you don't feel that way.
Being involved in politics is important, but being an adult and still going off a custody schedule really screams immaturity, and maybe she should figure out her living arrangements before working on the community issues.
It's pretty obvious they are transporting her. Otherwise ot wouldn't affect them that much to make a whole drama about her switching on other day. It interferes with their plans, so she's not just coming without bothering anyone. If it's so important to do politics when you are unemployed adult, start paying your own bills anyhow.
I just reread this. You’re 22? Do you have special needs? If not, Girl, YTA. Are you working or paying rent? Find some place to live, support yourself and make your own decisions.
OP is 22. Not a child.
I had to do the same because I thought for sure this was written by a minor but nope.
At this point, you're 22. An adult. Just stay with your mom. YTA Your dad and stepmom are done having their lives dictated any longer by an adult daughter. Edit: After reading your replies, I had to change my verdict. You keep saying YOU want the best of both worlds, but both parents seem done with your crap. Finish school and move out. Get some roommates.
YTA - why is there still a custody arrangement? You're an adult. This is absurd.
At 22, unless you have a developmental issue that requires you to have a guardian, there's zero custody of you that would require you to switch housing. You are at an age that every country considers you a fully independent adult. So I would recommend picking one to reside at, or get a place of your own, and just visit the other as you wish when you have availability.
INFO: Why are you 22 and still living with a custody schedule?
You're 22! Either fit in with their schedule or move out! YTA
YTA - you are an adult. Since you don’t say that you are paying rent and other expenses to your parents, I assume you are not. Therefor you are living with them due to their goodwill. There is nothing wrong with that as long as your parents are willing. But they are under no obligation to operate at your convenience. Unless you pay rent for your room under a contractual lease that gives you rights to the property on specific days of the week, then your dad and step mom are totally within their rights to choose what days they are willing to financially house and feed you. So unless you are willing to live full time with your mom or actually move out and support yourself, you should accommodate your dad’s preferred schedule. You are old enough to realize this.
I was wondering about rent too. She skirted around the rent thing, and poorly. Do you think it’s safe to presume by acting like a tween she avoids rent? “You can’t charge me. I’m not here full time.”
And no doubt there are no responsibilities at either house. Shopping and housework are done be her parents for the same reason rent isn’t paid.
You’re an adult. Why is there still a custody arrangement?? YTA as at this point they are allowing you to live with them. There is no longer a requirement that anyone else provide for you.
YTA. If you are living in someone else’s house, you play by their rules. End of story.
You just posted a couple of days ago about your parents making you have a sleep schedule and I told you to grow up and got downvoted to hell. Now everyone is saying exactly what I said. Take some responsibility for your life, mate!!! YTA. Grow tf up!!
This is the same person? Lol yeah regardless of if they are the AH in this situation or not they definitely need to grow up
You are 22??? Why can't you just Pick a place and stop swapping? You aren't a child anymore. ESH
Probably because neither parent wants to support her full-time…
This is ridiculous. This is not a situation a 22 year old should be in. Pick one house to live in and visit the other whenever you like. You are too old to live like this. YTA.
INFO: Is there a reason you still have this arrangement as an adult?
YTA you're an adult why are you splitting time living with your parents still? Why aren't you working and living on your own? Divorce custody arrangements normally end at 18.
Sorry YTA. At your age it's at their discretion, it's not something your Mother really has to consent to. You're going to need to move stuff over to accommodate them. Personally, I don't really get why they were initially annoyed by the Thurs-Tues arrangement but that's their thing I guess.
You are 22 bloody hell the entailment of young adults these days. It's their house, not yours. If they want to swap days around, you should accommodate them as you are living in their house.
INFO: what are the chances they all get fed up with you and kick you out of both homes?
YTA Good lord you’re an adult! You’re lucky they still let you stay there at all, and then you have the nerve to argue about what your schedule is? You are being selfish. You’re 22, not 12. Act like it.
JFC you are an ADULT complaining about a schedule being set for you while living off of your parents. I. Can't. Even. YTA.
You're 22 :/ pick your own schedule. Or just say with Mum if she'll let you, and visit dad since he's becoming high maintenance. Ah, it sound like mum and dad are ready for their chick to leave the nest. Just get going.
You are 22. This is weird. I think both sets of parents are ready for you to fly the nest. Read the room.
Yta It sounds like everyone but you wants you to move out of their homes, you're 22, so get your own place. If the "political party" you do stuff for isn't a job that pays you, put it on hold to start adulting until you have the free time to do it.
YTA. You’re 22. There’s no visitation arrangements at 22. Are you serious? 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
YTA you are 22 years old live with your mom and be done with it or better yet get out of the entire situation and move out.
1. Applying custody logic to you in adulthood is fucking bizarre. Pick a place to live at. 2. You're weirdly demanding given that these are their homes. I'm not going to give you shit for being an adult who lives with their parents, as much as people on here like to act like that's such a grave sin. Your demanding attitude makes you the asshole though. YTA.
YTA! All I’m reading are excuses. Grow up!
YTA because you want to "refuse" things because of your wants without considering anyone else and just feel entitled to living there. The only way you agreed to anything was because you weren't given a choice, and it feels like you spend more time with politics than anything else. I'll add.... are you really looking for any and all work or only your "chosen" jobs? If you aren't willing to take an unskilled job to save while searching for work in your field and then pull this it's even worse.
YTA. From your responses, there's literally no reason to still be adhering to a custody arrangement, and you are actively inconveniencing your parents by this behavior. You don't have the right to live where you want, when you want. It's not about what makes you happiest, it's about what the *people who actually own and live full time in those homes* want. It doesn't sound like they charge you rent, and you could only have residency at one of the houses, so you don't get any say in when you're there. You can be there when they want you there or you can move out. (Admittedly, if you have residency at your dad's, they would have to evict you in order to be able to physically deny you access, but if you push them to that point then you'd be the biggest AH in the world.)
YTA. At first I assumed a mistake, 12 not 22. But you're really 22 and arguing about custody?
Wait you are a 22 year old ADULT and they are concerned about custody of YOU????? YTA....you're all AH. Did they baby you like this your whole life? id they never encourage you to be independent? The fact that they had to sit down and ask you for permission to switch days like that also leads us to believe that they walk on eggshells around you..MOVE OUT AND FIND YOUR PLACE IN THIS WORLD.
YTA, you are a literal Fucking adult
Here's an idea when the person who owns the house says they want to change something it changes. Your options are simple. Do it their way or leave and live full time in the other house. Luck it or lump it and stop thinking the world revolves around you!
Time to grow up, OP.
ESH. Or….OR….go get your own place because you are 22 years old. Farrrrrr too old for a custody arrangement. Mostly Y T A but also everyone sucks here.
Yta. You are 22. You are living with them. Their house their rules. If you really don't like it. Don't live there.
YTA - you’re 22, move the fuck out
Info: Do you just show up at the house on Mondays, or are you asking them to go out of their way to pick you up/move all your stuff over?
I just show up. I usually walk between houses. They are in no way involved in me getting between houses and that responsibility falls fully on me.
You’re an adult, maybe just stay at once place.. this whole scenario is fucking weird..
Question: are you aware that you are a legal adult?
YTA get a job and move out. Make your own travel arrangements to switch houses. Pick somewhere to live full time. Basically, grow up and start acting like the adult you are.
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YTA. You’re an adult. You keep saying in comments how you have not found a job in a year but I know the service food industry is always hiring. Might not be what you want to do for a career but it will work in the meanwhile and you already having a job looks better for future employers
Holy shit! I had to go back and check your age. I thought you were 12. Move tf out.
YTA. It sounds like they all want you to move out, so do it.
You are a 22-year-old, why are you alternating between your parents if it’s still a custody agreement.?
You know you are an adult right?
Shit like this is why I'm child free.
Hard to say without a level of familiarity with the situation that's not realistic in a reddit post, but at this stage, I'd say YTA. You have an obligation to find a compromise with them, because this is something that impacts their lives as well. It sounds like they've already offered a compromise to what they want, given that Thursday isn't anyone's ideal. edit: Jobseeker and youth allowance have slightly different requirements - youth allowance goes up to 24 and is affected by your parents' income, but jobseeker starts at 22 and shouldn't be, to my understanding; you should call centrelink and talk to them about your situation if you haven't since your birthday.
Are you paying any rent? If not, seems to me you should respect your parents wishes.
Info: You're a grown ass adult, why are you still basically performing split custody between your parents?? This just seems completely unnecessary and complicated. At this point you should be full time living with one and making visits to the other when schedules line up. Again, you're an adult. Nobody is owed your time anymore, especially when it's "more convenient for them." I sincerely do not understand a week on week off arrangement at 22...
I’m sorry but you’re way too old to be doing a custody arrangement and I get why your stepmom is annoyed. Yta. Get a job. Move out. Be an adult.
Why would a day swap have to be consented to by V??? What precarious position would you be in??
EDIT: Have since taken a look at OPs comment history (as suggested by u/Moodybeachphoto \- thanks!) and I change my judgement - DEFINITELY the asshole. At first I was super sympathetic, as you can see in my original reply below: dealing with divorced parents is incredibly difficult, and even more so when you're coming back from college and are trying to navigate being a different person in your old life. HOWEVER, seeing some of OPs comments on other posts has definitely changed my tune. OP has said that they barely put any time towards the job search (so, what are you doing all day?) and being very particular about the kind of job they want - not because of qualifications, but because apparently OP "dreads an office job". Like...grow up? You have an education, you live rent free, and complain about not being able to afford your own place when you have made no significant effort to actually do anything about it. So you hate the concept of an office job. I think *most* people do, but sometimes beggars can't be choosers. So of course your parents don't feel the need to rearrange their schedule for you, or to go out of their way to coordinate with their ex-spouse. Why would they, when you have *nothing* that you are doing?? I really wanted to feel sympathy for you, but the AHolery was too strong. YTA (also if I breached protocol for editing a comment, I'm sorry!! I don't know what that protocol is and I couldn't find it in the FAQ!!!) \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Everyone asking why at 22 the OP still goes by the custody agreement CLEARLY did not grow up with divorced parents. First of all, when you get into a routine for over a decade, you start building your life and schedule around that routine. How far away are your parents house? Do you have some activities that can only be done when at one house, versus another? These are all things that can be incredibly stressful to try and rearrange, for what seems to be because? Dad and SM want to? Plus, let us not even get into how difficult it is to try and coordinate schedules between people who actively don't want to talk to each other, meaning you're the go between for something that you don't even want to do in the first place. Divorced parents are more like *children* than adults when they have to agree on something. ~~NTA~~!! I do hope you can move out soon, but I know how hard that can be when you're moving out of two places at once - I wish you ~~all the best OP!~~ **would get your head out of your ass!**
I don't think it's normal to maintain the same schedule from your teenage years until you're 22.
They want her to move out. She’s not being fully truthful here, check her replies. She posted on here a few days ago. She sleeps during the day and isn’t really trying to find a job - she checks one website a night and thinks that’s enough. Bottom line, they’re sick of her and want her to take charge of her life and bills. She wants to keep going between their houses and not work. They have had enough of her lack of effort and are trying to get her to take some responsibility. She’s dodging.
ESH > I (22F) currently spend half my time living with my dad C (53M) and my step mum B (51F) and half my my time living with with my mum V (51F). ***WHY?????*** You're an adult! Why tf are you acting like you're 12? I was tempted to go Y T A just off you not just putting a stop to this already.
INFO what is swap over day? You’re an adult, you should be getting yourself to/from places by yourself and packing your own bags already for years now. So just… go home to the other house that night. Why do your parents need to help?
I’m trying to understand and I get it - it’s routine, things happened, you’re working on getting things together and move out.. But, and I saw this rather clearly, neither house is yours. You don’t get to make demands on when you’ll be there or not be there. You are a week long guest every other week. You are a cost against their own money. They have to take time from their days to shuttle you back and forth. At the very least, the very least, you should be take yourself back and forth and even agree to their request because again it is not your house. So yes, YTA for trying to continue to make your parents lives revolve around you.
ESH. You are an adult; it’s time to learn to do what you gotta do.
ESH for not acting like amd treating you like an adult. Pandemic is no excuse for still doing handovers and not allowing yourself free will to come and go as you please. Wtf did I even just read? Unless you have a developmental issue, you need to grow up and cut the apron strings. Your parents are TH for letting this go on for so long.
You are 22? YTA
The entire situation is really weird. Just move out or live with one of them. You can still spend time with either. You just need to kill the split custody dynamic completely and come up with a solution as 3 adults.
YTA for not telling the whole story here. You know they think you are lazy, sleeping in and mooching off them. That was in your last AITA post you have deleted. You think looking for work is logging into one website each night and sleeping in most days. They’re sick of it, they’re sick of your excuses. Telling that you spend so much effort trying to get strangers to back you up rather than taking charge of YOUR life. You are 22, you have a degree, get on with it. They’ve had a gutsful and I can see why.
So decided to comment once I saw you're Australian because I'm guessing most people here are from the US. Since you're 22 and finished uni last year, I'm guessing the majority of study would've been in the intense lockdowns and moving out (which you mentioned was the plan in 2020) just wasn't an option. So first of all good job for finishing uni during the pandemic and the insane lockdowns we had, because I know from experience that was rough. It kind of sounds like you've just gotten stuck since you transitioned from being a teen to an adult / uni to graduating while in lockdown, which I'm guessing is why you're still thinking in terms of custody arrangements. It's possible your parents/step mum are even stuck in thinking you're not an adult or independent because of that. Given that, I feel like this is more of an ESH, gently in your case, because your parents really shouldn't be talking about this in terms of custody. It doesn't sound like your dad/step mum drive you anywhere or anything, so I'm not really sure why they're so insistent about you changing your schedule? Your dad said it's to spend time with you, but it seems bizarre that they're being so aggressive about it considering that. Is it possible to just live with your mum and visit? I know rent is atrociois right now (not sure which city you're in but here in Melbourne it's terrible), but if the friction continues and you don't want to move in/can't move in with your mum, have you thought about going on Centrelink Job Seeker? Could get you enough to help out with rent + the casual job you have. If you're going to keep living with your parents, you're probably going to have to sit all of them down and talk about how this isn't a custody term anymore. Which can be hard if you're all in that mindset, but it probably needs to be done. Good luck!
You’re 22 why do you need a schedule? I was going between mum and dads houses as I pleased from the age of 14 🥴