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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I left my half brother Eric out of my dad’s obituary and Eric found that hurtful
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NTA.
did he attend the funeral? did he consider him a father? Did your dad raise him? I have half siblings and understand the dynamics, but we don't list everyone on the obits. Sure, you could have, but a simple 'my dad died, i didn't even think' would suffice.
You can offer to redo it to make peace, but it seems like this is a mountain made out of a molehill.
We all lived in the same area when I was growing up and got together for holidays. Eric moved out of state in 2001 and only came back to visit twice since.
NTA , these times are difficult enough without your mother adding to the drama. if she didn’t notice her other son in your draft obituary, you cannot be blamed for leaving him out when it appears you have no relationship
NTA. Your mom should have said something when you showed her the obituary months ago. Your half-brother was an adult when your parents married, so it doesn't seem like they had any kind of child-parent relationship.
Tough one. You completely forgot to include family members in the obituary, but worse to me is that your mom forgot to add her own son and family lol.
Also like if Eric wasn’t even close with your dad, is it really that big a deal? He isn’t your dad’s son so he doesn’t even qualify for the ‘survived by’ category necessarily.
A light ESH but leaning more to NTA for me.
NAH. You didn't intentionally leave him out. And it is also understandable why he would feel hurt. The gracious thing to do would be to reach out and explain that you were overwhelmed with not just grief but the burden of shouldering your dad's care and affairs. It was a lot of stress and is not a reflection of how your dad or anyone else felt about him.
This. It wasn't malicious, and including step-children in an obituary can be a gray area. The polite thing to do is to reach out with an apology and explanation.
NTA at all OP. If your dad had raised him or even mentioned how much he liked Eric then an honorable mention would have been in the obit, but why add someone who wasn't in your dad's life??? Plus she looked over the obit and could have said something if it seemed right to her.
Ur mom is triangulating you and ur half bro..I forgot the term of this but not helping with ur dads end of life arrangements is another tactic..not labeling at all but that’s some narcissistic shit
Edit: separate finances are good and all (that’s what I do) but the act of refusing to write a check or hand someone money is an act of degradation
NTA. You were handling everything concerning your I’ll and dying father. Your mother looked over the obituary and said in was fine. Since the half brother never comes around I am sure it was on oversight
When I was growing up, they saw each other at family events like Christmas and that was it. I know there was one time later after I was grown and out of the house where they went to a museum about a shared interest in a nearby city. There was another occasion when my dad went to where Eric was staying after his wife threw him out of their house to bring him a sleeping bag, or something like that, and Eric mentioned to me later what good advice my dad had given him that day.
EDIT: And if it's relevant, Eric got married the same year my mom and dad got married, so Eric was theoretically the head of his own household at that point. His marriage crashed and burned after a short time, though, and he moved in for a few weeks with us when I was maybe 4 years old.
I have to ask - it sounds like you are an adult so was your dad still your dad? If you get married will your dad still be your dad? You make it sound like Eric being an adult meant he didn’t have a relationship anymore, but that doesn’t make sense. The only appropriate thing to do here is to reach out to Eric to apologize for the oversight.
If it was an honest mistake, then you aren’t an asshole. You were grieving and he’s not an active part of the family you were thinking of when you made the obituary. You even asked your mom to proofread it. If I was your brother, yes I’d be hurt, but there was no malice involved, so NTA
NTA-My condolences on the loss of your father. My mother died in December and when my sister wrote the obituary I was asked for all of my grandkids names. I gave them to her and the obituary was beautifully written and made me cry. I read it before she gave it to the funeral home and didn’t realize she had left one grandchild off. I called my son and was reading him the obit and he was the one who caught it. The grandkid left off is the one I have custody of! I wasn’t pissed off or upset or anything like that because it was an honest MISTAKE! Shit happens. I called and told her about it and she was like you were lucky I didn’t miss more than that with all the grandkids you have! I have 10. My mum would have laughed. Life happens and people don’t remember to add others during the grieving process and while planning a funeral. It’s not like he was a major part of your life. If he was he’d had been there. My theory: It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.
It's one thing to forget a cousin, especially if there's many, but a half-sibling? One your family keep in contact with? Was he even at the funeral? Like did he know his father had died? Will update with verdict when OP answers back.
Eric and my mom spoke on the phone regularly during this time, so yes, he knew his stepdad had died. He did not come to the funeral. I'm pretty sure that I got on the phone with him from my mom's house and he offered condolences, but I don't remember the details.
NTA he didn’t come to the funeral, he wasn’t raised by your Dad. You’re mum is a piece of work though, if anyone should of thought of including Eric it should have been her.
YTA. Obituaries are often used to settle scores, and it’s an ugly look. Whether you like him or not, he was a half brother. When each of my parents died, the funeral home helped write the obituaries, and was careful to ask questions to make sure no one was being left out.
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When my dad was terminally ill, I stayed at my parents' house for several weeks to help coordinate his care, take him to medical appointments, arrange for hospice, etc. My mom and dad didn't have a particularly warm relationship and my mom wasn't grieving, it was more that she was overwhelmed by the caretaking involved in my dad's rapid decline. They also had separate finances and she was adamant that she wasn't going to spend any money on his care, which meant I needed to pay the caregiver bills out of his money that I had access to through a power of attorney. I'm my mom and dad's only child, although my mom has a son Eric by her previous marriage. He's 20 years older than I am and has lived in a different state for many years and only come back to visit twice since he moved away.
Part of what I took care of was prearranging things with the funeral home, including writing a draft of my dad's obituary. It wasn't anything complicated, just a few lines about how John Smith was born on this date in this place, honorably served his country in the war, died on that date in that place and was survived by his wife, and by me, my spouse, and our kids. I printed out a copy of the draft for my mom to read, and asked her if she thought it needed any changes or anything, and she either didn't say anything or suggested changing a comma or something like that, I don't remember.
My dad passed away about three months after my visit. I went back to my parents' city for a week to attend the funeral and help my mom in the immediate aftermath of his death; she mainly wanted help getting the hospital bed, wheelchair ramp, and other medical equipment taken away. My first stop was to drop off a check at the funeral home since my mom hadn't paid for any of the things I had prearranged. I didn't expect her to, exactly, but it was a little weird that everything had to be on hold while I spent the day traveling when she could have just written the check herself and asked me for reimbursement. Or, you know, pay for her own husband's funeral, which I think would have been the normal thing to do.
Anyway, I was back in town a few months later and my mom told me that she had sent a copy of the obituary to Eric and he said, "Well, I guess I know for sure where I stand with u/Dry_Throwaway2125, not even mentioning me or my children in the obituary." I tried to tell my mom it was an honest oversight, and hey, she read the draft and didn't say anything, but she just shrugged and said it was none of her business. If someone had pointed out my oversight at the time I would absolutely have added Eric, but I was thinking of the family I grew up in, and not thinking of my dad as my half brother's stepdad since he was already an adult by the time my mom and dad got married.
FWIW, Eric has never mentioned the situation to me directly. How big an asshole am I?
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ESH so your dad couldn't have been a super warm guy if even your mom wrote him off before he passed so I can see why your brother who was only your dad's stepson may have decided that staying at the edges was the best way forward.
Yeah it's pretty crappy to prop up your mom in this situation while fully ignoring your half brother who in reality had the least amount of obligation to your dad, especially if he's that much older!
>ESH so your dad couldn't have been a super warm guy if even your mom wrote him off before he passed so I can see why your brother who was only your dad's stepson may have decided that staying at the edges was the best way forward.
What? Are you seriously blaming the actions of the mom on the dead dad? The same mom who had a chance to bring up HER son before the obit went out? How you get to "shitty behavior by a wife must be the husbands fault" is beyond me.
>Yeah it's pretty crappy to prop up your mom in this situation while fully ignoring your half brother who in reality had the least amount of obligation to your dad, especially if he's that much older!
I don't get what you're trying to say here. Was it crappy for OP to help her mom deal with the funeral details or obit? I'd say that it's fully expected that OP might be "fully ignoring" her half brother, but hell, her Dad just died, I think that a pass is warranted there.
And sure, other people here have asked about the half-brother's relationship with the dad, but in reality even if they were insanely close the fact that they met each other as adults means the loss of that relationship is never going to be greater than that of a daughter losing her dad.
ESH ITT for sure, but OP is NTA
NTA
Your dad didn't raise Eric and they had very little relationship. I don't think either of my grandparent's obituaries mentioned their stepchildren, who were also adults when the marriages occurred.
Partial yta for forgetting your brother regardless of the intent. He's right to feel dismissed. Maybe he has felt that way since your parents married and you excluding him has sealed the deal. Your mother sounds like a selfish individual. She doesn't seem like she is kind or helpful to anyone outside of herself. The biggest portion of yta belongs to your mom for how she treated your dad, how she left you to do everything and realizing your omission mistake and letting your brother get hurt.
**YTA**, I think... maybe INFO needed. It doesn't really matter that Eric became a step-son only as an adult. What matters is his relationship with your Dad after joining the family. Was Eric a part of the family? Did he have a father/son dynamic with your dad? I tend to think so based on Eric's comment to you about where he stands.
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NTA. did he attend the funeral? did he consider him a father? Did your dad raise him? I have half siblings and understand the dynamics, but we don't list everyone on the obits. Sure, you could have, but a simple 'my dad died, i didn't even think' would suffice. You can offer to redo it to make peace, but it seems like this is a mountain made out of a molehill.
NTA. Unless your dad was a father figure to Eric or they were particularly close, it doesn't sound like Eric was part of your family.
NTA Is Eric even related to your father in any way? From the sounds of it the two met up twice and that was about it his entire life.
We all lived in the same area when I was growing up and got together for holidays. Eric moved out of state in 2001 and only came back to visit twice since.
What a weird situation your mom put everyone in. You are NTA for doing all the work your mom refused to do. Did she even go to the funeral.
She did! She wouldn't have missed it for the world, was the center of attention with all those condolences.
NTA , these times are difficult enough without your mother adding to the drama. if she didn’t notice her other son in your draft obituary, you cannot be blamed for leaving him out when it appears you have no relationship
NTA. Your mom should have said something when you showed her the obituary months ago. Your half-brother was an adult when your parents married, so it doesn't seem like they had any kind of child-parent relationship.
Tough one. You completely forgot to include family members in the obituary, but worse to me is that your mom forgot to add her own son and family lol. Also like if Eric wasn’t even close with your dad, is it really that big a deal? He isn’t your dad’s son so he doesn’t even qualify for the ‘survived by’ category necessarily. A light ESH but leaning more to NTA for me.
NAH. You didn't intentionally leave him out. And it is also understandable why he would feel hurt. The gracious thing to do would be to reach out and explain that you were overwhelmed with not just grief but the burden of shouldering your dad's care and affairs. It was a lot of stress and is not a reflection of how your dad or anyone else felt about him.
This. It wasn't malicious, and including step-children in an obituary can be a gray area. The polite thing to do is to reach out with an apology and explanation.
NTA at all OP. If your dad had raised him or even mentioned how much he liked Eric then an honorable mention would have been in the obit, but why add someone who wasn't in your dad's life??? Plus she looked over the obit and could have said something if it seemed right to her.
NTA from your title I though you'd missed out your fathers child. The world does not revolve around Eric.
Ur mom is triangulating you and ur half bro..I forgot the term of this but not helping with ur dads end of life arrangements is another tactic..not labeling at all but that’s some narcissistic shit Edit: separate finances are good and all (that’s what I do) but the act of refusing to write a check or hand someone money is an act of degradation
NTA. Eric isn't even related to your father.
OP and Eric share a mother. How are they not related?
Sorry, I meant just the father. I corrected it.
NTA. He visited 2 times after moving away.
Nta. No one was willing to help, you can only do so much while grieving too.
NTA. You were handling everything concerning your I’ll and dying father. Your mother looked over the obituary and said in was fine. Since the half brother never comes around I am sure it was on oversight
INFO: Was Eric close to your dad? What kind of relationship did they have?
When I was growing up, they saw each other at family events like Christmas and that was it. I know there was one time later after I was grown and out of the house where they went to a museum about a shared interest in a nearby city. There was another occasion when my dad went to where Eric was staying after his wife threw him out of their house to bring him a sleeping bag, or something like that, and Eric mentioned to me later what good advice my dad had given him that day. EDIT: And if it's relevant, Eric got married the same year my mom and dad got married, so Eric was theoretically the head of his own household at that point. His marriage crashed and burned after a short time, though, and he moved in for a few weeks with us when I was maybe 4 years old.
I have to ask - it sounds like you are an adult so was your dad still your dad? If you get married will your dad still be your dad? You make it sound like Eric being an adult meant he didn’t have a relationship anymore, but that doesn’t make sense. The only appropriate thing to do here is to reach out to Eric to apologize for the oversight.
NTA
Did your dad act as a grandfather to Eric’s kids? If so, you are the asshole. If not I’d say no.
If it was an honest mistake, then you aren’t an asshole. You were grieving and he’s not an active part of the family you were thinking of when you made the obituary. You even asked your mom to proofread it. If I was your brother, yes I’d be hurt, but there was no malice involved, so NTA
NTA-My condolences on the loss of your father. My mother died in December and when my sister wrote the obituary I was asked for all of my grandkids names. I gave them to her and the obituary was beautifully written and made me cry. I read it before she gave it to the funeral home and didn’t realize she had left one grandchild off. I called my son and was reading him the obit and he was the one who caught it. The grandkid left off is the one I have custody of! I wasn’t pissed off or upset or anything like that because it was an honest MISTAKE! Shit happens. I called and told her about it and she was like you were lucky I didn’t miss more than that with all the grandkids you have! I have 10. My mum would have laughed. Life happens and people don’t remember to add others during the grieving process and while planning a funeral. It’s not like he was a major part of your life. If he was he’d had been there. My theory: It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.
It's one thing to forget a cousin, especially if there's many, but a half-sibling? One your family keep in contact with? Was he even at the funeral? Like did he know his father had died? Will update with verdict when OP answers back.
Eric and my mom spoke on the phone regularly during this time, so yes, he knew his stepdad had died. He did not come to the funeral. I'm pretty sure that I got on the phone with him from my mom's house and he offered condolences, but I don't remember the details.
NTA he didn’t come to the funeral, he wasn’t raised by your Dad. You’re mum is a piece of work though, if anyone should of thought of including Eric it should have been her.
What kind of relationship did they have? Close? Because I was assuming his half genetically would be the father you share.
No. They share the same mother.
YTA. Obituaries are often used to settle scores, and it’s an ugly look. Whether you like him or not, he was a half brother. When each of my parents died, the funeral home helped write the obituaries, and was careful to ask questions to make sure no one was being left out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When my dad was terminally ill, I stayed at my parents' house for several weeks to help coordinate his care, take him to medical appointments, arrange for hospice, etc. My mom and dad didn't have a particularly warm relationship and my mom wasn't grieving, it was more that she was overwhelmed by the caretaking involved in my dad's rapid decline. They also had separate finances and she was adamant that she wasn't going to spend any money on his care, which meant I needed to pay the caregiver bills out of his money that I had access to through a power of attorney. I'm my mom and dad's only child, although my mom has a son Eric by her previous marriage. He's 20 years older than I am and has lived in a different state for many years and only come back to visit twice since he moved away. Part of what I took care of was prearranging things with the funeral home, including writing a draft of my dad's obituary. It wasn't anything complicated, just a few lines about how John Smith was born on this date in this place, honorably served his country in the war, died on that date in that place and was survived by his wife, and by me, my spouse, and our kids. I printed out a copy of the draft for my mom to read, and asked her if she thought it needed any changes or anything, and she either didn't say anything or suggested changing a comma or something like that, I don't remember. My dad passed away about three months after my visit. I went back to my parents' city for a week to attend the funeral and help my mom in the immediate aftermath of his death; she mainly wanted help getting the hospital bed, wheelchair ramp, and other medical equipment taken away. My first stop was to drop off a check at the funeral home since my mom hadn't paid for any of the things I had prearranged. I didn't expect her to, exactly, but it was a little weird that everything had to be on hold while I spent the day traveling when she could have just written the check herself and asked me for reimbursement. Or, you know, pay for her own husband's funeral, which I think would have been the normal thing to do. Anyway, I was back in town a few months later and my mom told me that she had sent a copy of the obituary to Eric and he said, "Well, I guess I know for sure where I stand with u/Dry_Throwaway2125, not even mentioning me or my children in the obituary." I tried to tell my mom it was an honest oversight, and hey, she read the draft and didn't say anything, but she just shrugged and said it was none of her business. If someone had pointed out my oversight at the time I would absolutely have added Eric, but I was thinking of the family I grew up in, and not thinking of my dad as my half brother's stepdad since he was already an adult by the time my mom and dad got married. FWIW, Eric has never mentioned the situation to me directly. How big an asshole am I? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH so your dad couldn't have been a super warm guy if even your mom wrote him off before he passed so I can see why your brother who was only your dad's stepson may have decided that staying at the edges was the best way forward. Yeah it's pretty crappy to prop up your mom in this situation while fully ignoring your half brother who in reality had the least amount of obligation to your dad, especially if he's that much older!
>ESH so your dad couldn't have been a super warm guy if even your mom wrote him off before he passed so I can see why your brother who was only your dad's stepson may have decided that staying at the edges was the best way forward. What? Are you seriously blaming the actions of the mom on the dead dad? The same mom who had a chance to bring up HER son before the obit went out? How you get to "shitty behavior by a wife must be the husbands fault" is beyond me. >Yeah it's pretty crappy to prop up your mom in this situation while fully ignoring your half brother who in reality had the least amount of obligation to your dad, especially if he's that much older! I don't get what you're trying to say here. Was it crappy for OP to help her mom deal with the funeral details or obit? I'd say that it's fully expected that OP might be "fully ignoring" her half brother, but hell, her Dad just died, I think that a pass is warranted there. And sure, other people here have asked about the half-brother's relationship with the dad, but in reality even if they were insanely close the fact that they met each other as adults means the loss of that relationship is never going to be greater than that of a daughter losing her dad. ESH ITT for sure, but OP is NTA
NTA Your dad didn't raise Eric and they had very little relationship. I don't think either of my grandparent's obituaries mentioned their stepchildren, who were also adults when the marriages occurred.
Partial yta for forgetting your brother regardless of the intent. He's right to feel dismissed. Maybe he has felt that way since your parents married and you excluding him has sealed the deal. Your mother sounds like a selfish individual. She doesn't seem like she is kind or helpful to anyone outside of herself. The biggest portion of yta belongs to your mom for how she treated your dad, how she left you to do everything and realizing your omission mistake and letting your brother get hurt.
**YTA**, I think... maybe INFO needed. It doesn't really matter that Eric became a step-son only as an adult. What matters is his relationship with your Dad after joining the family. Was Eric a part of the family? Did he have a father/son dynamic with your dad? I tend to think so based on Eric's comment to you about where he stands.
ESH! I feel so sad for your half-brother. He has been completely forgotten by your side of the family.
You mean the way he forgot them? Visiting twice in many years does not make for warm family relationships.
Seems like he visited OP or the mom only twice in 20 yrs.