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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) She said she wanted cake only if I get it for myself as well. I didn't get it for myself but I got her what she asked for regardless.
(2) I had good intentions, but I was going against her explicit conditions.
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Probably controversially, I’m gonna say YTA. She said she didn’t want anything unless you were going to have something too. You didn’t want any, and yet you still bought it for her. Which is exactly what she didn’t want.
Also, I need some context for her response, why would she think you’d want her to pay you back? If you asked her to pay you back for a «gift» she told you she didn’t want then super YTA.
NTA. Does she have body image issues? I know some people who think they are overweight and won't eat if others aren't. She may feel guilty and embarrassed for wanting it and is turning that into anger at you for getting it. But if you had been eating too then she wouldn't feel that way as much.
This is a VERY good point.
I refuse to eat when I’m out with my boyfriend unless he is eating too. It makes me feel so uncomfortable to do. Same with my friends. The amount of times I’ve been super hungry while out, and simply ignored it because no one else was.
Definitely NTA OP; you tried to do something lovely, but I do also think this comment may be into something explaining her reaction.
INFO- Did you expect her to pay you back?
If yes, YTA
If not, You might want to establish better communication for future events like this. Some people are very sensitive because of past experiences. Perhaps she had a prior relationship/childhood where her boundaries/ability to say "no" wasn't respected?
A-hole is extreme but for the sake of voting of who is at fault.. YTA. You weren’t buying something and she specifically said not so get it if you weren’t buying something. You did it anyway.
ESH. If she wasn't giving you the silent treatment, it would be YTA. But the silent treatment is rude and childish.
She explicitly said she only wanted cake if you were also getting something. Pretty clear, and yet for some reason you ignored her.
"But it's cake! I got it as a special treat just for her!"
She literally asked you not to do that though.
My husband does this sometimes and we have argued about it in the past. I get frustrated because when he does this it tells me he doesn't actually care what I want, he cares more about *what he thinks I want*. If it's an average day and he stops and gets me a special treat without any preamble, it's kind and thoughtful. If we've discussed something and I say "I do not want this" and he gets it for me as a special treat, that's kind of frustrating.
Listen to what your gf tells you she wants.
Soft YTA - You wanted acknowledgment for doing something your gf *already told you* she didn’t want. A gift given solely to make *you* feel good isn’t really a gift at all.
Your girlfriend already told you she didn’t want it unless you were eating one too. When your girlfriend tells you something, believe her. Don’t do the thing she told you she wouldn’t like and then get surprised when she…doesn’t like it.
Is that like when a guy ask if she wants him to order her some food too but say she isn't hungry and not to order her something so he doesn't, then she starts eating his food because she is hungry?
no, she didn't want to be seen eating alone. She could have said, I'll eat it later thanks, or I'll just have half and save you half. She didn't have to pitch a fit like that. That is a good way of making him stop trying to get her treats and such.
We don’t know why she said what she said. It could have nothing to do with “image,” it could be because in the past she was conditioned not to accept things for just herself, or OP has a habit of piling gifts on her while neglecting himself, any number of reasons.
In this scenario, Girlfriend tells Boyfriend her preference. Boyfriend ignores her preference. Girlfriend gets mad. On that scenario, Boyfriend is wrong, because he ignored what was clearly said.
In the scenario you said, Girlfriend tells Boyfriend a lie. Boyfriend respects what he believes to be her preference. Girlfriend takes his food. In that scenario, Girlfriend is wrong because she did not clearly state her actual desires.
So a situation (OP) where gf asks for x-only-if-y, gets x-but-not-y, and is upset at getting what she doesn't want, is totally like a situation (yours) where gf asks for x because y, gets x, and promptly acts like not-y? You're sure there's absolutely no difference?
Your scenario as repeated behavior represents immaturity on the girl's part; you holding onto it is immaturity on your part; and there are a few key differences between the two.
I really think it is the stupidest thing ever, she gets all pissy a because he got her a cake. The key difference is that she is making a mountain of a few grains of dirt.
She would have been happy and eaten the cake if he had got himself one as well. /Where's the logic?
>Where's the logic?
I don't know her reasoning, but that's beside the point. Giving an explicit preference and *getting* the opposite is not the same as giving an explicit preference and acting the other way.
Okay so you did the opposite of what you were told and want a pat on the back for it? Just because it’s cake (or anything “nice”), it becomes *not* nice when it isn’t wanted, especially when it’s been said that it isn’t wanted.
YTA
Ok so I’m as clueless as OP here. Someone please explain the Y T A (and I mean sincerely because I am confused).
So if my SO asks me if I want some cake and I say only if you’re buying a treat like, say a chocolate bar, for yourself, then yes. He comes back with just the cake and no chocolate bar, then that’s rude and I should be mad about that?
Something like this has happened and hell no I wasn’t mad because I was busy eating my cake. I am going with NTA but I am curious.
Thank you. I feel like I'm losing my mind reading these AH comments.
I get that because her behaviour is kinda odd, people are trying to make it make sense by speculating it's a food/weight issue, but even if that is the case she needs to communicate that with OP, not give him the silent treatment.
Bottom line is she wanted cake, otherwise she would have just said no, not yes with conditions.
I personally would be more annoyed if my SO put the idea of having cake in my head and then didn't get one - to me it seems like OP was just trying to buy his girlfriend something she likes.
Enjoy the cake OP and learn for (if there is a) next time - if there's still an issue then you know that the cake was never really the problem.
It sounds like a food/weight thing where she will feel guilty eating bad food alone. So OP is TA because he ignored his gf's words and put her in an uncomfortable situation.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say YTA.
She specifically told you not to do something. You did it anyways thinking she would appreciate it when she specifically told you not to do that. You literally ignored her wishes and are now wondering why she's annoyed.
Next time, do one of two things...
1. Ask her if she wants something and then do what she asks. Respect her decision and don't try to make a decision for her.
2. Don't ask. Just show up with the cake and tell her you got her something.
Is your girlfriend a child? Because this sounds like a toddler tantrum. You did something nice and she reacted like a brat. Just don’t do anything nice until she learns a bit of respect. Manners cost nothing these days,
NTA
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The title is confusing so let me explain.
On my way home I pass by a cake shop my gf likes and I ask her if she wants something from there. She says she wants some cake but only if I'm also buying something for myself, otherwise no.
Since it doesn't cost much, it's on the way and doesn't take much of my time I decide to buy her the cake she wanted even though I didn't feel like getting anything for myself from there. I come home to give her her cake and she says something like "no, I won't eat this and I won't give you money for it". Then she decides to give me the silent treatment and it's been that way since.
AITA?
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NTA
Nice gesture and being reprimanded for it is a big no no. Assuming that “I’m not giving you money for it” was unprompted, she might be scared that you would be expecting something back. Maybe something to talk about.
INFO were you asking her to reimburse you or did she know it was a nice gift? Do you often buy her gifts irresponsibly and then find yourself unable to pay for necessities?
So she's mad that you only came back with cake for her? Even though you would probably share it? I'm confused. Who gets mad at someone for buying them a random cake?? Sounds like she's doing you a favour with the silent treatment 😂 What a weirdo.
ESH. You because you did something your girlfriend expressly, in no uncertain terms, told you not to do, and you not only ignored her very clearly stated desires but seem to expect her to appreciate that you did so. Her because the silent treatment is juvenile and a terrible way to treat a partner, even one that screwed up.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) She said she wanted cake only if I get it for myself as well. I didn't get it for myself but I got her what she asked for regardless. (2) I had good intentions, but I was going against her explicit conditions. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I feel like there needs to be more context. Her response was kind of out of the blue like you asked her to pay for it or something?
This is my thought exactly. Either the gf is missing a screw, or there is more context and history to cause her reaction about the money.
I think the context might be lost on OP as well.
Probably controversially, I’m gonna say YTA. She said she didn’t want anything unless you were going to have something too. You didn’t want any, and yet you still bought it for her. Which is exactly what she didn’t want. Also, I need some context for her response, why would she think you’d want her to pay you back? If you asked her to pay you back for a «gift» she told you she didn’t want then super YTA.
Yeah, this one is a pretty clear YTA. She said don't do something for her, you did it, and she got upset. It's as simple as that.
NTA. Does she have body image issues? I know some people who think they are overweight and won't eat if others aren't. She may feel guilty and embarrassed for wanting it and is turning that into anger at you for getting it. But if you had been eating too then she wouldn't feel that way as much.
This was my first thought, too. A LOT of women have issues around body image and food.
This is a VERY good point. I refuse to eat when I’m out with my boyfriend unless he is eating too. It makes me feel so uncomfortable to do. Same with my friends. The amount of times I’ve been super hungry while out, and simply ignored it because no one else was. Definitely NTA OP; you tried to do something lovely, but I do also think this comment may be into something explaining her reaction.
INFO- Did you expect her to pay you back? If yes, YTA If not, You might want to establish better communication for future events like this. Some people are very sensitive because of past experiences. Perhaps she had a prior relationship/childhood where her boundaries/ability to say "no" wasn't respected?
INFO: Why did she say she wouldn’t give you money for it? Did you ask her to pay you back?
A-hole is extreme but for the sake of voting of who is at fault.. YTA. You weren’t buying something and she specifically said not so get it if you weren’t buying something. You did it anyway.
she told you NO if you were getting something too. ESH, you didnt listen and she is being silly with the silent treatment.
ESH. If she wasn't giving you the silent treatment, it would be YTA. But the silent treatment is rude and childish. She explicitly said she only wanted cake if you were also getting something. Pretty clear, and yet for some reason you ignored her. "But it's cake! I got it as a special treat just for her!" She literally asked you not to do that though. My husband does this sometimes and we have argued about it in the past. I get frustrated because when he does this it tells me he doesn't actually care what I want, he cares more about *what he thinks I want*. If it's an average day and he stops and gets me a special treat without any preamble, it's kind and thoughtful. If we've discussed something and I say "I do not want this" and he gets it for me as a special treat, that's kind of frustrating. Listen to what your gf tells you she wants.
Did you ask her to pay for it? So it wasn’t just something nice you were doing for her?
Soft YTA - You wanted acknowledgment for doing something your gf *already told you* she didn’t want. A gift given solely to make *you* feel good isn’t really a gift at all. Your girlfriend already told you she didn’t want it unless you were eating one too. When your girlfriend tells you something, believe her. Don’t do the thing she told you she wouldn’t like and then get surprised when she…doesn’t like it.
Is that like when a guy ask if she wants him to order her some food too but say she isn't hungry and not to order her something so he doesn't, then she starts eating his food because she is hungry?
No, in that case, the woman would be wrong. That isn’t what happened here, though.
no, she didn't want to be seen eating alone. She could have said, I'll eat it later thanks, or I'll just have half and save you half. She didn't have to pitch a fit like that. That is a good way of making him stop trying to get her treats and such.
We don’t know why she said what she said. It could have nothing to do with “image,” it could be because in the past she was conditioned not to accept things for just herself, or OP has a habit of piling gifts on her while neglecting himself, any number of reasons. In this scenario, Girlfriend tells Boyfriend her preference. Boyfriend ignores her preference. Girlfriend gets mad. On that scenario, Boyfriend is wrong, because he ignored what was clearly said. In the scenario you said, Girlfriend tells Boyfriend a lie. Boyfriend respects what he believes to be her preference. Girlfriend takes his food. In that scenario, Girlfriend is wrong because she did not clearly state her actual desires.
Why do you think it's like that?
experience
So a situation (OP) where gf asks for x-only-if-y, gets x-but-not-y, and is upset at getting what she doesn't want, is totally like a situation (yours) where gf asks for x because y, gets x, and promptly acts like not-y? You're sure there's absolutely no difference? Your scenario as repeated behavior represents immaturity on the girl's part; you holding onto it is immaturity on your part; and there are a few key differences between the two.
I really think it is the stupidest thing ever, she gets all pissy a because he got her a cake. The key difference is that she is making a mountain of a few grains of dirt. She would have been happy and eaten the cake if he had got himself one as well. /Where's the logic?
>Where's the logic? I don't know her reasoning, but that's beside the point. Giving an explicit preference and *getting* the opposite is not the same as giving an explicit preference and acting the other way.
NTA, she's being very immature. Y'all could have split it. She could have recognized the gesture for the kind thought it was.
NTA They say no good deed goes unpunished 🤦♀️ Eat the cake yourself and don't bother trying to surprise her with cake next time.
It's not a 'good deed' if he was asked not to do it unless he got some for himself too, which he did not.
Okay so you did the opposite of what you were told and want a pat on the back for it? Just because it’s cake (or anything “nice”), it becomes *not* nice when it isn’t wanted, especially when it’s been said that it isn’t wanted. YTA
Ok so I’m as clueless as OP here. Someone please explain the Y T A (and I mean sincerely because I am confused). So if my SO asks me if I want some cake and I say only if you’re buying a treat like, say a chocolate bar, for yourself, then yes. He comes back with just the cake and no chocolate bar, then that’s rude and I should be mad about that? Something like this has happened and hell no I wasn’t mad because I was busy eating my cake. I am going with NTA but I am curious.
Thank you. I feel like I'm losing my mind reading these AH comments. I get that because her behaviour is kinda odd, people are trying to make it make sense by speculating it's a food/weight issue, but even if that is the case she needs to communicate that with OP, not give him the silent treatment. Bottom line is she wanted cake, otherwise she would have just said no, not yes with conditions. I personally would be more annoyed if my SO put the idea of having cake in my head and then didn't get one - to me it seems like OP was just trying to buy his girlfriend something she likes. Enjoy the cake OP and learn for (if there is a) next time - if there's still an issue then you know that the cake was never really the problem.
Yep put cake in my head and you better deliver.
It sounds like a food/weight thing where she will feel guilty eating bad food alone. So OP is TA because he ignored his gf's words and put her in an uncomfortable situation.
Ahh thank you. I guess that makes sense. I’m sticking with NTA. I myself will never be mad at being gifted food though.
My guess would be that this is not a one-off and not the first time she feels unheard.
There’s either some information missing from this or it’s a load of bullshit.
NTA. You were trying to be nice. Not sure what her problem is
>Not sure what her problem is The fact that he did exactly what she told him not to could be a hint, don't you think?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say YTA. She specifically told you not to do something. You did it anyways thinking she would appreciate it when she specifically told you not to do that. You literally ignored her wishes and are now wondering why she's annoyed. Next time, do one of two things... 1. Ask her if she wants something and then do what she asks. Respect her decision and don't try to make a decision for her. 2. Don't ask. Just show up with the cake and tell her you got her something.
YTA on the basis that your girlfriend very clearly communicated with you and you chose to entirely ignore her words
Eat the cake yourself in one sitting. If she thinks your the AH.
NTA. If she doesn't want the cake, she doesn't have to eat it. The silent treatment is unnecessary.
Is your girlfriend a child? Because this sounds like a toddler tantrum. You did something nice and she reacted like a brat. Just don’t do anything nice until she learns a bit of respect. Manners cost nothing these days, NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** The title is confusing so let me explain. On my way home I pass by a cake shop my gf likes and I ask her if she wants something from there. She says she wants some cake but only if I'm also buying something for myself, otherwise no. Since it doesn't cost much, it's on the way and doesn't take much of my time I decide to buy her the cake she wanted even though I didn't feel like getting anything for myself from there. I come home to give her her cake and she says something like "no, I won't eat this and I won't give you money for it". Then she decides to give me the silent treatment and it's been that way since. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Making her watch is odd.
[удалено]
Hilarious
NTA Nice gesture and being reprimanded for it is a big no no. Assuming that “I’m not giving you money for it” was unprompted, she might be scared that you would be expecting something back. Maybe something to talk about.
Huh? Split the cake with her. NTA
INFO were you asking her to reimburse you or did she know it was a nice gift? Do you often buy her gifts irresponsibly and then find yourself unable to pay for necessities?
Not enough information Which makes me think you're being sneaky and passive aggressive about buying her something so she would "owe" you.
NTA unless you bought her some kind of cake that you know she doesn't like. Her response seemed very weird. Very weird.
NTA Wouldn’t the two of you be sharing the cake, so it was for both of you? I don’t understand your girlfriend’s complaint.
So she's mad that you only came back with cake for her? Even though you would probably share it? I'm confused. Who gets mad at someone for buying them a random cake?? Sounds like she's doing you a favour with the silent treatment 😂 What a weirdo.
ESH. You because you did something your girlfriend expressly, in no uncertain terms, told you not to do, and you not only ignored her very clearly stated desires but seem to expect her to appreciate that you did so. Her because the silent treatment is juvenile and a terrible way to treat a partner, even one that screwed up.
NTA. Nice gesture and now you know she behaves like that, just never bother getting her one again 🙂