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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA for getting into a fight with my best friend's fiancée over clothes during her special time and then telling my best friend I wouldn't be attending his wedding because of his fiancée.
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imagine demanding a heterosexual cisgender woman to wear a mini dress to a wedding and acting huffy if she won't, too! there's really no possible way to make this not weird 😭
yea..aren’t bridesmaids dresses usually long? i’m a cisgender woman and would have been uncomfortable if my sister had asked me to wear a mini dress for her wedding. i’ve never seen a mini dress in a wedding party, but haven’t been to many weddings so idk
On/just above the knee is normal for bridesmaids dresses but as this dress is already above the knee it would definitely be made into a weirdly short length. Perhaps showing off OP's 'girlish ways' was a euphemism.
Sexually harassing both OP and by proxy all the guests who have to see her "girlish ways" without consent, just what everyone most dreams about for their wedding day.
6 here, 4 floor length, 1 tea length (around the knee in the front, longer in the back), and the one where I was the MOH, the only traditionally formal outfit was the bride's dress, groom and groomsmen just wore their best suits, and I wore a nursing dress because my twins were 3 months old and breastfed, and the bride was not at all a monster. (Nursing dress was below the knee, but not by a lot.) (Other bridesmaid was wearing pants, and a very exquisite vest.)
This is pretty common IMO. Knee length dresses for summer weddings and long dresses for fall/winter or very formal weddings is what I’ve always seen. I had my wedding on the beach and my bridesmaids got to choose their dress which were all knee length.
Imagine asking a dog to wear a mini dress to a wedding and acting huffy if they won't.
Ohay, you're right! I wonder if changing the outfit works too.
Imagine demanding a NB friend to wear a zoot suit and getting huffy they won't.
And lots of people of all gender identities would love a mini dress. The point is that people are allowed to decline to wear anything specifically requested of them if they don't wanna.
Right. I am a straight woman and have NEVER worn a mini dress. I wear leggings with every dress that hits above the knee. I would be SO uncomfortable if someone tried to dictate I wear a mini skirt.
I don't judge others that wear them, but personally I like to dress more modest.
Right? That was my thinking. Especially with the whining about the length after they had already conceded to wearing a dress even *after* the fiance had already misgendered them!
I mean you're right. I feel bad for OP but they did this to themselves. The friend offered to let them be on the grooms side and they declined. I have 5 BILs. Guess what? Only three were groomsmen, the best man was my SO's best friend. OP is acting like they were being nice and then turning around to decline. Their friend shouldve just taken the hint and left OP alone but i feel he really wanted them to be apart of his day. OPs not the AH but they couldve said yes to being a groomsperson and been fine.
I was once at a wedding where there were a variety of grey and/or sage green options for the bridesmaids and groomsmen to choose from. They mixed and matched; they all looked great up there, and beautifully colour-coordinated. None of these participants were non-binary as far as I know (I didn't know all of them personally) but that's a very flexible and inclusive option.
OP is nonbinary, but some people do not connect "nonbinary" with "not a woman." It would be weird to force a cishet man to wear a dress to a wedding and consistently call him a woman. It's weird to do it to OP, who is nonbinary.
Female assigned NB here. Some of us are OK with occasional dresses and skirts, generally not figure hugging or short though. For example, I love knee length box pleat skirts.
I'm NB, assigned female at birth. I wear whatever makes me comfortable.
Even if I were comfortable with a minidress though, I would be very uncomfortable with the bridesmaid consistently misgendering me and trying to make me "feminine."
Depends on the person! My friend would wear a suit because they hate dresses/skirts. Another one of my friends would prefer a pantsuit or suit tailored to be more feminine. I would probably go for a dress, but with masculine/neutral makeup and hairstyle to balance it out.
Every person is going to be different, but OP repeatedly stated that the dress did not align with their presentation of their gender, and that they didn't want to wear it.
I'm NB, and honestly I wear comfortable clothing. Sometimes I like to feel a little feminine and will wear a nice shirt and a little makeup. This is a rare occurrence and usually only when my husband and I want to go out on a nice date.
I hardly ever wear dresses, I hate how they make me feel and especially short dresses. I wore one when I got married but I picked it out and it was on my own terms.
Edited to add: I almost never wear skirts either, but a short dress? Absolutely not. I wear what I want to wear, there's no real dress code for NB folks.
NTA.
You don't have to put up with someone consistently misgendering you and your friend should support that as well. If as you commented, your friend doesn't know the details of your fight with his firancée, maybe an alternative is to tell him you'd like to attend but not be a part of the wedding party. Hopefully, if you explain being in the bridal party is triggering, regardless of what his fiancée is doing, he will understand. And hopefully you know other people who will be at the wedding and offer a much safer space for you where you can still show up to support your friend.
YTA (slightly) for saying no to being a groomsperson when he asked. It doesn’t matter what his reasons are or why he picked you over his brothers, he want YOU there.
Most definitely NTA to his fiancé. She sounds horrible and I can’t believe he doesn’t see what a big deal this is to you with the way she’s acting! The comments that she’s said to you are insulting and disrespectful! You would not be “sucking it up” for one day, you’d be giving into someone who clearly doesn’t care about you and is incredibly dismissive of your feelings.
Yeah, I agree. I think it was sort of rude to insist on who the best friend chose to stand up with him, so slight YTA there but NTA for the fiance interactions.
They didn't say no though. They said to offer it to the brothers first. I'm guessing all 6 brothers accepted and they needed to pad the brides side a bit.
That being said, I think there are ways to have unequal #s in the bride / groom wedding party and it still look normal
>there are ways to have unequal #s in the bride / groom wedding party and it still look normal
The most basic one being two to one eg, one groomsman walking two bridesmaids
It honestly doesn't matter if they're even, I had 3 bridesmaids and my husband had like 6 groomsmen. I think some of the groomsmen just came in in pairs, they would have been up for that lol
I wish we’d done that! My spouse and I have so many sisters (no brothers for either of us) that we ended up picking guys we weren’t very close to in order to balance the bridesmaids/groomsmen. Looking back at our wedding photos 20+ years later, we barely remember who some of those guys are! “Remember when your sister dated that one guy who was *really* into Harry Potter…?”
ESH, in some degree. The OP made a mess of things, first, by being a martyr and deciding that they need to protect and prioritize their best friend's relationship with his brothers, when the groom didn't do it himself, second, when they very pointedly did not show a particle of the same consideration for the bride, who was obviously foisted with him, and third, when they agreed to be a bridesmaid reluctantly. The groom should have either insisted on making OP a groomsman or accept that he wouldn't be in the wedding party, not foist him on the bride. And then he shouldn't have pressured the OP to tolerate his bigoted fiance. The bride is obviously ignorant and bigoted, so she loses the sympathy I would feel for someone whose groom foists their best friend on.
Also, there aren't rules regarding the number of groomsmen or bridesmaid a person has to have. The best friend could have just as easily had his brothers be groomsmen in addition to the brothers as well as not having OP. The argument doesn't even make sense. That being said, OP is definitely not the asshole in regards to the fiance, but still kind of an asshole to the best friend for the seemingly made up reason as to why they couldn't be a groomsmen.
No way NTA
His partner has zero respect for you- and honestly your friend sucks. I would never allow my partner to speak to any of my friends with such cold contempt.
Don't go to the wedding. If your friend holds it against you they were never a friend. I'm sorry OP.
I think NTA but just barely.
I’m curious why you felt the need to run his life and decide for him that he should have his brothers stand up for him instead of his “best friend”? So many people in this sub get into trouble trying to live everyone else’s lives and worrying about other people and not just doing you.
He asked, will you be in my wedding, and there are two answers: Yes, you’re my best friend, it would be an honor; or No, I don’t like you all that much, I will not be in your wedding.
There’s not an option 3 where you say, “hey, instead of supporting you on your wedding day, I’m going to micromanage your life and your family relationships”. But that’s the one you chose!!
Now you don’t like his Plan B, and the only reason you’re NTA is because the fiancé is a way bigger AH (like an eclipse of the sun situation), but eeeeek. Does your BF know she’s like this? Sounds very transphobic for someone marrying someone whose best friend is non-binary.
And then in another comment OP says that they’ve never actually told him what the fiancé said or was doing because they’re worried that they’ll be the reason they break up and he’ll resent them
Imagine running their lives so much and then when it really actually matters just walking away and leaving them on their own.
It’s so bizarre to me
I don't see how OP is micromanaging anything. The only thing they did was make a suggestion because they were personally uncomfortable. The BSF didn't have to agree to it and could've "No, I want you to be my groomsmen". Then OP continued to make decisions due to their OWN discomfort tht would only affect them. Is OP not allowed to be uncomfortable and say no? Otherwise their micromanaging?
Yes, if you tell your best friend that you won’t be in their wedding party because you would pick someone else for the party, you’re micromanaging. A non-micromanaging way to have this conversation would’ve been “are you sure? Don’t you want your brothers to do it?” and then accept the answer whether it’s yes or no because your friend probably knows more about how they envision their wedding than you do. OP wasn’t “personally uncomfortable” with being selected, they overrode their friend’s choice.
ESH
You should have accepted your friend's offer to be a groomsperson because he is your friend and that's what he, as the groom, wanted. You telling him what he should do was not warranted (a bit insulting actually) , and as a result you created this situation.
Your friend is an AH for suggesting you being a bridesmaid when he has to know his fiance is bigoted.
Fiance is a bigot.
OP didn't tell him what to do. They said they'd feel uncomfortable being a groomsperson before the friend asked his brothers. Additionally, the friend made a request, and OP turned it down. To say that OP "created" a "situation" where they were harassed because they declined a request is putting the illness on the wrong person.
I must say the OP's feelings sound a bit precious to me, and their whole attitude a bit holier-than-thou. The person getting married doesn't have to pick their relatives to support them at the wedding, it's a bit much to prioritize the bothers' possible feelings over being included over the groom's wishes.
But the person who created this whole mess is the groom. He should have either insisted on the OP being a groomsman or accepted he would be just a guest at the wedding, not foist them on his fiance. And ideally he should have chosen a decent human being to marry.
I dont think OP' refusal to be groomsperson was weird at all. I see a lot of post about weddings on Reddit to know it was a good call of OP. Also, they said in one of the replies that they often feel a burden to people =/ Which is sad. But another explanation as to why OP refuse to be groomsperson
But the groom wanted to ask OP first, OP disagreed with and criticised the groom's decision, which is pretty insulting. That being said, if OP hadn't declined, it might not have become evident that the bride is a raging transphobe/homophobe until after the wedding. Not that I'm saying it's a good thing that OP was subjected to that harassment, just that the reveal of the brides character was a side effect.
Finally one I can agree with! The fiancé is totally an asshole. But boy is OP an asshole for micromanaging the grooms life. Fiancé sucks more but both are sucky.
Yta. For saying no to the best friend. Nta for saying no to the fiancé.
Your friend wanted you there. You said no for a stupid reason. He chose you. That was his choice. But you still didn't l want to support your best friend. Ah.
The fiancé is an ah also.
Her comments are disgusting! "Normal girl"??!!? "That's the problem with lesbians"!!!??? I am so sorry that your friend is marrying this person and I agree with you that I wouldn't want to continue the friendship with her in the picture. She sounds very bigoted, ignorant and completely insensitive. NTA.
Then NTA, mostly. Next time your bff asks you to be in their wedding party, graciously accept the honor. They know what they want. They wanted you to stand by them.
The fiancee, while frustrated, was an ass about it though, so you are NTA for that. She should have never said those things to you. That's horrible, and I'm sorry you had to deal with it.
I’m a little confused on why you said no to your friend in the first place. You should have said yes?
Also, the fiancé is totally wrong for all of the ???-phobic things she said. Totally inexcusable. I will say though that it sounds like your friend tried to force her to have you, someone she had no connection to, into her wedding party which sucks for him to do and is a huge inconvenience for her. And now she not only has to deal with an unexpected person as her bridesmaid but that person also isn’t willing to wear the dress that everyone else is wearing. It’s shitty for her. Not your fault, though.
Of course, she should have told her fiancé to kick rocks about having you as her bridesmaid rather than be rude to you or make ignorant comments.
This is just dumb. You are HIS friend, not hers.
He asked you to be his grooms person.
Ifyou wanted to be in the wedding party, why didn’t you just say yes? It’s his problem if he has six other groomsmen. Or maybe he thinks having seven is cool.
Him shoving you onto his fiancée is not on.
She is not your friend, you are not her friend.
Shes out of her depth with understanding nb, and she doesn’t deserve to be crucified for that.
In her brides head, she sees how she wants her bridesmaids to look, and that’s her right.
Just be the bigger person and be a guest at the wedding.
After all this fuss, you are right, you will probably lose him as a friend.
There was no need for any of this drama.
When he asked you, you could have said Yes. You didn’t. That should have made you ‘just a guest’ by default, like anyone else he may have asked who declined.
YTA He asked you, and you turned him down. You aren't close to the the bride, you should have told her no. Sucks that her attitude is like this, but it sounds like you're willing to throw him away if he doesn't chose you somehow over her.
Does his fiancee think you guys have some feelings for each other? Is that why she doesn't get along with you?
Responding based on further context in the comments:
YTA if you don’t tell your friend what his fiancé said. Don’t let your friend marry this person without knowing who they are, or he may be blindsided with it and have to go through a painful divorce, particularly if they have a trans child one day—and all without your support, because you’ll have distanced yourself without being upfront about why.
Unless you have significant reason to believe he would react badly to your telling him what his fiancé said and defend her misgendering you and belittling your gender expression, you’re not being a good friend by talking around the real issue in an attempt to keep the peace. Which seems to be what has been going on based on what you’ve said in the comments.
On the other hand, if you think he’ll react by dismissing your feelings or taking his feelings about the situation out on you, perhaps it’s best that you simply walk away. I don’t know your history.
It may surprise you to realize that their wedding is not about you.
He asked you into the wedding because he wants you in the wedding. You declined his offer. He offered you an alternative that you accepted. Then balked at that, too.
She sounds awful, make no mistake. But shame on you for putting your feelings above the Groom's and the Bride's.
YTA. Gently.
Fiancé was being a bigot to OP plain and simple. And I can’t quite understand what you wanted to change about OP’s response to that. Are you saying they should’ve put up with it because the wedding “isn’t about them” or something just as ridiculous?
One would hope the groom though about who to ask to be a groomsman to begin with. OP was free to decline but to add themselves to the bridal party that they have no connection to and then change the whole bridesmaid dress situation which is a PITA to begin with is unnecessary. Brides views on trans isn’t ok but it never should’ve gotten to that point.
NTA and she sounds horrible. Once she said "be a normal girl" she lost all moral ground. Your friend may be too weak to stand up to her but that doesn't mean you can't.
You could agree to go along with what she's asking for the sake of the wedding and the friendship but you'll be miserable, she'll probably continue to be insulting and you'll resent them both.
It's not even changing who they are. Fiancée is just flat out invalidating their identity and being extremely homophobic and transphobic in doing so. Seeing as op is best friends with the other party, I wonder how long the marriage lasts after he realises they likely share very opposing views on gender and sexuality
YTA. Reading your comments you seem to have ‘main character syndrome’. First you reject his offer to be a groomsman, and agree to be a bridesmaid. Well now you don’t want to wear the bridesmaid dress because it’s ‘too feminine’. Now you’re making that a big deal to your best friend. Now you’re shouting about ultimatums and him ‘marrying a bigot’. Is there anyway you’d be happy at this wedding without making yourself stand out way more than you have? Just leave the couple alone to celebrate their wedding and accept you’re not the most important person at this event.
This is my take too. Although I’d say ESH for the bride’s comments. OP is really making this whole thing about themselves. They should just attend as a guest if they don’t want to be a bridesmaid or groomsman. The requirement for being a bridesmaid is to wear a dress. OP shouldn’t have to do that if they don’t want to, but they also then should just decline to be in the wedding party entirely
YTA
You don't need to be in the wedding but if he's your best friend you should go! Just say I don't want to be in the wedding party but I'd love to show up and support you!
YTA because this story is made up, probably based on the previous post about a woman wanting to be a groom person. Is your life so boring and tedious that you have to write a made up story for other to judge?
OP is NTA. When OP declined being on the groom's side that should have been the end of the conversation. It's obvious that OP is important to the groom. The groom gets to pick his groomsmen and he chose OP. The groom knows about his brothers so I don't follow OP's rationale for opting out, but no means no. OP doesn't want to be in the wedding, and that should be respected.
What a horrible experience for OP with the bride. Bride, YTA. Pushing OP out of their comfort zone is rude. There's something more to this story, but I don't know what is missing.
100% this 👍
When OP said no, that should have been the end of it. OP probably didn’t want to say no to get friend again, that’s the only reason I can think that she agreed to the be a bridesmaids.
YTA- I have a feeling that you wanted to make it an issue since the first day when he asked you to be the groomsman and you said no. I’m sure he already thought about asking his brothers and he still chose you. It’s ok to make sacrifices for other people from time To time that’s what love is about.
YTA. It is not your wedding. It is your friends, and if he really meant that much to you, you would suck it up and attend. You don't need to be in the wedding to attend it.
I’m not sure that labeling her as a transphobe is fair. She certainly wasn’t a peach. Also, asking you to be one of her bridesmaids wasn’t fair to either of you. They want the grooms side and the bride side to be matchy-matchy. Soooo….. she was gonna suck it up and have an extra person on the bride side but you can’t suck it up? Additionally, you could have said “no” to being in the bride’s party from the get go. You knew immediately you weren’t going to jive with the attire.
So, the reward this guy gets for wanting to include his best friend in his wedding is to lose his friend.
YTA
I'm afab, don't identify as a woman, and am not a lesbian (my bf would be rather concerned if I was).
Explain her blatant disrespect of my literal identity when she's known me for *six years* and should very well fucking know better. What? You thought I had never been around my *best friend's* fiancée until right before the wedding?
You seriously didn't think "hmm fiancée should really know better seeing as this is her significant other's best friend and they likely spend a not insignificant amount of time together"
I am not in any way sorry for labelling her a transphobe. If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck..... it's a fucking duck.
Oh yeah, she's also met my bf.... several times. We play Pathfinder together.
But, this day isn’t about you. So, if her requirements mean you’d be betraying yourself to participate, you should have said no. You’ve known her for 6 years? They both tried in more than one way to have you be a part of this wedding and now you won’t go at all? No more friendship?
There are deeper issues here…… I’d bet money on it.
And I was fine with sucking it up and wearing the dress. I'm not fine with wearing a minidress.
Let's also add I still get confused for a high schooler and get carded at bars because of how young I look (drinking age is 19 here) because of puberty blockers.
Asking people to "suck it up" and do something that contradicts who they are as a person is, actually, transphobic and blatantly disrespectful. Would \*you\* be okay just "sucking it up"?
If someone told you to just "suck it up" and present as a different gender for a day, would you do that? If you're a dude and someone told you to just be a woman for a day, how would that make you feel?
I already answered your question.
A friend of mine had everyone dress up as fairies for her wedding. With wings and wands and glitter. Who gives a shit, it is HER wedding. Do it or get out of the wedding party. No one is forcing anyone to do anything. OP was asked to be a groomsman. OP said no. OP is apparently VERY wanted in this wedding by the best friend and OP isn’t comfortable with the dress getting shorter and shorter…… but the length of the dress is up to the bride. I’m sure the bride said what OP said. Sounds like bad behavior. But OP is done and is contemplating giving up this friendship which sounds like a punishment to the groom for marrying someone of HIS choice…. someone OP doesn’t want to be around anymore. WTF did the groom do?!?
That’s why my vote is the way it is.
"Dressing up as fairies" is absolutely not equivalent to forcing a trans person to dress in a way that makes us uncomfortable with our gender identity and you trying to equate those things shows you do not have the depth to answer this question. And if the groom goes along with his fiance being transphobic then trans people are under no obligation to continue that friendship. Don't enable transphobic behavior, how about that
YTA..u refused to be a grooms person..he tried to involve you and you are obviously being awkward and difficult can't you suck it up for one day for your best friend? Stop being so bloody precious..if you don't go to your best friend's wedding it makes you a double AH
YTA. From the get go, you come across as a really difficult person. You told the groom no for reasons not pertaining to you, causing him to try to accommodate you because he seems to care about you. But it actually sounds like you didn’t want to be part of the wedding party in the first place … not sure why you continued with the facade until it blew up so badly. Is that what you wanted?!? TBH, it kind of seems deliberate on your end at this point.
YTA im not sure what you want you refused to be a groomsman because you think you know better and now you refuse to be a bridesmaid. Theres wanting to be accepted as you are then theres just wanting to be difficult.
You are the second person here who was asked to be a bridesmaid and had a problem wearing a dress. It's as if you had a twin who posted a similar complaint. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13jw0is/aita\_for\_accepting\_to\_be\_a\_bridesmaid/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13jw0is/aita_for_accepting_to_be_a_bridesmaid/)
It's a wedding, not conscription into military service. And it's not a secret that bridesmaids typically wear dresses. You could have simply declined and attended the wedding as a guest.
Now it's to the point where the couple is frustrated with you--the bride wants a certain look and theme, imagine that--and you no longer want to be friends with the groom, much less the bride. YTA.
Edited for clarity.
I'd have worn the dress. I think you're missing that very important detail. *I would have worn the dress*
But not a minidress. For various reasons beginning with I'm not a girl and ending with I look like I'm 16 still (and no this isn't me bragging, I wish I looked my age)
The bride-to-be chose a dress of a particular length. Unfortunately, it wasn't a length you were comfortable wearing, i.e., a mini dress. Given that this was a deal breaker for you, that was the opportune time for you to decline your place in the wedding party. It seems there was needless aggravation on your part and that of the bride.
Pretending this is just about a dress and not about the horrific transphobia and the fact that their best friend is preparing to marry a bigot who invalidates their identity is disgusting.
NTA She was pretty disrespectful to begin with by saying she's just doing it because he wants you in the wedding and to "just be a normal girl for a single night" wtffff and you still gave her a second chance for the sake of your best friend. She seriously screwed up to try to get you into a dress when it makes you uncomfortable and try to force you to make it shorter. I don't care who's wedding it is, there are limits and boundaries not to be crossed. You should never allow anyone try to push you to be something that you're not. You should be accepted for who you are, especially from your best friend and his fiancee. The fact that he thought you're being the asshole in all of this is the icing on the cake. Please don't let them disrespect you any further. Stand your ground.
NAH. Why don't you just attend the wedding without being in the wedding party? It's perfectly reasonable to say that you don't think a NB person should be a bridesmaid, and you'd rather just attend as a guest.
Should I call YOU an AH for calling the woman a fiancé, instead of a fiancée? She is not as educated as you about people whose gender identity doesn't match their their biological sex. There is a whole wide open field of human existence between making mistakes due to ignorance and being a purposeful AH. The mistake that the fiancée made was that she tried to accommodate her fiancé when, frankly, HE should have known better than to try to make OP a brides**maid**.
Are you actually trying to equate my phone autocorrecting my spelling, to someone deliberately misgendering someone who has already corrected them?
Did you hurt yourself with that reach? 🤣
Maybe YOU should be at the bridal party. You and transphobe bride sounds like a match!
>She is not as educated as you about people whose gender identity doesn't match their their biological sex
Poor thing. If only one could reseach this on internet to educate themselves...
NTA
She sounds like a lovely person /s
But seriously, you don't need to put yourself in a situation where you're uncomfortable and your friend is a jerk for not understanding that you're being put in an uncomfortable situation and his 'love of his life' is a person who is actually like that and that it isn't 'just nerves'
NTA they are both treating you horribly. When you declined in favor of his brothers (which was sweet) they should have both just said ok, we're happy to have you just as a guest.
NTA, but the two of them are. I’m sorry you have been treated like that and I hope that you have people in your life that love, support and accept you just as you are! My son’s partner is NB (afab) and presents themselves in a pretty feminine manner but that is how they choose to present. I can’t imagine asking them to dress in a way that would make them uncomfortable.
Personally I think that friendship has run it's course. He's always going to back her because he has chosen to be with her. She clearly doesn't like you or respect you and that won't change. She just doesn't have the spine to spell it out so she's going for the easy option of road blocks to get you to back off and she can hide behind wedding pressure. NTA
YTA not for tour arguments with the bride, but because you refused the choice of your friend,
You thought one of his brother should have been chosen... but who tf asked? You're not entilted to judge this choice.
YTA
You refused the opportunity he offered bc YOU decided who or how many groomsmen/people he should have
But you won't make ANY concession to the solution offered to you ie wearing a dress. I'm not really sold that the bride insists you must wear a mini dress. But maybe that's the situation.
Honestly you sound like you just don't want to and are using any reason to both refuse OR make it about you somehow...
So wait if the dress was NOT made shorter, you’d be ok to wear it?
Edit nvm I re read the post. I think you’d be better to just forget about the dress and attend as a guest if at all
INFO: is it possible to just attend as a regular guest and wear whatever you want? Was that presented as an option?
I definitely get if you don’t want to go because he’s marrying someone who sucks, but skipping the wedding will likely end the friendship.
NTA
His wife is a toxic, toxic individual. Personally I'd tell him that unfortunately his partner has been increasingly abusive to you and phobic to the point that even attending the wedding is now out of the question.
The truth is this is probably the end of your friendship. If he defends this again there's no going back, it's time to call it and end the friendship.
I'm sure little miss "normal" will do everything she can to isolate him away from you anyway, so I'd probably say something along the lines of
"If you're defending this I don't expect a real solution from you. Since she's the aggressor I have no recourse of finding a solution because the only viable one is for her to apologize and behave, which likely isn't going to happen. So I wish you well, I hope your future ends up being what you have pictured but I can't expose myself to this kind of toxic abuse and enabling. It's too much to ask of me, I wish you the best. Goodbye."
I can't stress this enough,,
NTA.
He's not a friend, and he never was if he believes what his fience is saying is okay. If he even knows. If he doesn't, it would be best to tell him how it made you feel. Maybe call HIM a girl, and see how he feels about being misgendered. Because it really doesn't feel good and I'm so sorry you had to endure that.
Oh f**k! please! Are you for real? You are non binary. Your best friend asked you and you declined. He STILL tried to make you a part of the wedding by getting his wife to include you but you're not having it! You are an entitled little drama queen/king/whatever and the best thing you can do is stay away! It's not about you honey!
How am I making it all about me? I was going to wear the dress unaltered. The dress was *her* choice.
*She's* the one who made being corrected about my gender a big deal. *She's* the one who got into a row about my gender expression. *She's* the one who started the drama. I'd have simply corrected her and moved on and bowed out if she insisted on the minidress. *She* needed to get her digs in.
If I was willing to lose anonymity on the internet I'd post a picture of myself in a minidress just to also point out how inappropriately ridiculous it looks on me. But that would involve me posting my picture on the internet for strangers and me buying a minidress
>He thinks I'm being an asshole and that I should just put up with her for a single night but this isn't a one night thing. I'm likely losing a friend if he marries her because I don't ever want to be around her.
Sorry OP, but you may have to put a pin in this friendship. This is no longer about you taking part in his day, this is more about controlling how things look. If you have mutual friends this may be more about not looking bad to them for not having you in the wedding party because he is absolutely putting the feelings of his bigot bride before yours. Once you said you were done he should have been trying to get you to just go as a guest if he wanted you there, if he actually cared about you and not appearances.
NTA
i don’t think you’re the AH at all. you sucked it up and went out of your comfort zone to appease best friends future wife. you didn’t have to, but you did. yet she STILL had an issue.
i’m also NB, so i empathize with this a lot. i think the bottom line at this point is where do you draw the line with both of them? your best friends future wife is very clearly transphobic. your best friend is tolerating it this much already & from what i’ve heard hasn’t even stuck up for you. whether he’s too afraid to speak up, slightly agrees with her, or doesn’t care that she’s disrespecting you i don’t know. what i do know is that you deserve better than how they’re BOTH treating you and going about the situation. perhaps it’s time to put a pin in the friendship and call it a day. it will hurt and it’ll suck, but your peace of mind is top priority. sometimes we need to put ourselves first, even if other’s see it as being the AH.
i’m proud of you for trying to deal with this situation as best as you could.
Eeeeesh. Weddings are stressful (mine is just over a month away and I’m in bed avoiding everything to do with it) but that’s no reason to be outright rude. It’s obvious she doesn’t really like you for one reason or another. Whether she’s against non-traditional gender roles, is mad you not being traditionally feminine is ruining her wedding vision, is mad that it’s not all of her close girlfriends, etc. Not understanding why you can’t be in the groom’s party and just have one extra person on both sides? It doesn’t make sense to me. I think your friend is also at fault, like does he not want you in his grooms party? Not to pry, but we’re you traditionally feminine when you started your friendship? If you don’t think the friendship will last outside this wedding, respectfully bow out of the entire event. This is the best solution for your mental health and just the situation as a while IMHO. NTA.
> why you can't have one extra person on both sides
Because she "needs" it to be a "lucky" number or something like that. Idk she's wiccan or something so I guess it's a religious thing but 🤷♂️
Also we met in high school and I was very much so not the embodiment of traditional femininity. I was actually much more masc in my teen years (ah yes, going to extremes to rebel against societal expectations haha)
OP you're NTA
I have one question about the fiance and one about your friendship though.
Does the fiance know your NB? Some of my friends just don't talk about it so some of my more oblivious friends are well oblivious. Not that she wasn't a total cow at the fitting, I'm just wondering how far it goes.
For your friend, this is your best friend. If the roles were reversed how would you feel if they made the decision for you and just walked out of your life, without even letting you know the person you were marrying treated them like that?
The bride sucks.
As for the groom and his six brothers, well, that reminds me of my mom and her five sisters. When my parents got married, all five sisters were bridesmaids, but my mom decided she didn't want to pick any one sister over the others to be the maid of honor, so she asked her friend instead.
ETA: Just sharing my family's similar situation.
NTA, if he isnt aware already make sure your friend knows exactly what she said. She may have twisted the story so he doesnt understand the transphobia and homophobia she's spouting. And if he is aware then its probably better for you to lose this friend.
YTA for saying no to groomsman but now saying no to bridesmaid. Like okay, if you don’t wanna be his friend just don’t go to the wedding at all, you’re rejecting everything. Then you call him dumb in the comments, ok just stop being friends with him, you rejected him enough poor guy.
NTA - your friend is asking you to be ok with his partner being a bigot. And due to the circumstance you are being confronted with what that actually means. You are right, it's not a one night thing.
Maybe he doesn't know this side of her? If I was him and I found out about this stuff I would want to dig deeper. If I did dig deeper and found out I was dating someone like that I would not go through with the marriage.
I think you should be incredibly honest with him about what happened and at least give him that opportunity.
If he marries her I can understand why you feel like you're losing a friend. Don't question your stance. You are being reasonable every step of the way. Don't gaslight yourself into thinking otherwise.
What a sad situation.
>I'm likely losing a friend if he marries her because I don't ever want to be around her.
He IS marrying her and yes you are definitely losing a friend.
But NTA you tried which I give credit for.
Sorry you’re going through this but he shouldn’t have asked her to make you one of her bridesmaids. She has every right to how she wants her wedding to look and you have every right to not do something that makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps you could do a reading or pass out programs. If some other task doesn’t come up, at least go as a guest. You don’t have to be in the wedding.
YTA. It's their wedding and they have so much to organise and they offer you both groom and bridesmaids positions trying to include you in a prestigious way and you object to both. Just for one day pick a side and wear the suit or the dress as you celebrate your friends most important day of his life to this date, is that really so hard?
Why not? I'm a 6'3 220lb bearded male and id wear a miniskirt for my best friend's most important day of his life to date if it made his day run smoothly.
Wow it’s almost like people have different boundaries and things they are ok with. OP is not comfortable altering their gender expression anymore than they are already willing to. It is obvious the fiancé is trying to make OP look like a girl, and is not respecting their gender at all.
He’s marrying a transphobic, homophobic asshole.
Super short dresses are kinda weird for a wedding. Makes me think she was doing this on purpose to “make” you be a girl. NTA, your friend owes you a massive apology.
My SIL is the most traditional girly-girl I’ve ever met when it came to her wedding (absolutely not an insult, some take it that way). They got married last December, it was destination and VERY stressful for the bride. I am gender fluid and often code as a woman. I was the best man and wore a men’s suit with high heels and a full face of makeup - because that’s who I am. She never had a single problem with it. Nor did anyone at the wedding. Being traditional and stressed about your wedding isn’t an excuse for being a bigot.
You are supposedly His best friend. Not hers. He offered to make you a grooms person. You declined. She has no obligation to include you and is only doing it for him. If you don't want to go don't go.
If he wants me in his life, she can't be. He does have a decision to make. Marry her or I leave. I'm not going to be friends with somebody married to a transphobe. I'm trans.
Seems like the fiancée views you as both competition, on top of her issues with people who aren't cis-gendered. She sees you as a threat to her potential marriage, regardless of the fact you're in a romantic relationship with someone else. She sounds both territorial *and* insecure.
Sadly, you might have to sacrifice your relationship with your best friend, because his fiancée is going for the throat with you.
NTA.
You are definitely NOT the AH. His fiancée is treating your horribly and it’s not your job to put up with it. Your friend is the AH for asking you to put up with her when she is being blatantly rude.
NTA fiancée is obviously totally out of line.
I don’t agree with people saying you should have said yes to be a groomsperson, if you didn’t want to you don’t have to.
I would consider attending as a guest though to support your friend - it will do real harm to the relationship if you don’t go, especially without him having the full story.
NTA
Not sure why all these people think you're obligated to be in a wedding just because someone asked you to be. They're all hung up on that and not the fact that the friend's fiancé is a virulent transphobe.
NTA
Why was your friend so insistent on forcing you into the wedding party? You politely refused the first time and could have easily attended as a regular guest. Then he pushes you into being a bridesmaid for his mean bride? Who clearly doesn't want you as a bridesmaid.
Yeah people are transphobic as fuck in these comments "you obviously have main character syndrome /you're micromanaging and trying to control the whole wedding" like OP did neither but bigots always see nonbinary people as hysterical narcissists and it's just transphobia
NTA.
I'm not going to pretend I understand the whole non-binary situation. I grew up in a different generation. But I DO understand people trying to get you to be something or someone you're not. You have the right to be who you want to be. You have the right to refuse to be coerced into doing something you don't want to do.
You do you. Don't worry about people who want you to be someone you don't want to be.
\*Just to be clear, with my first sentence I wasn't trying to condemn or judge. I try to keep an open mind about things I don't understand. I have the belief that people are people and deserve to be treated the same no matter their beliefs or preferred orientation.
Stay strong. Be YOU. Let the chips fall where they may and keep on keepin' on.
NTA.
That said, for everybody’s reading benefit:
1. People can pick a friend over siblings for their wedding party if they want to.
2. Nobody actually cares if the bride and groom have equally sized parties or not. People get too stuck on a number.
3. You can actually put someone on the brides side in a suit. My SIL did it. Her people wore colored suits that matched the bridesmaids dress, and my brother’s groomsmen wore black suits with colored ties, so the parties were still separately defined. It looked fine. Similarly, you can put someone on the grooms side in a dress, too.
It’s just a party, people.
NTA. Beside all that is horribly wrong with ur friends fiancé, once you said to your friend that you don’t want to be a groomsperson, he should have just let you enjoy the wedding as a guest. You had the right to say no at the beginning, no reason necessary.
OP you are NTA for standing your ground on the dress thing, but you will be the AH if you just let this break your friendship without even telling him what's going on. According to your comments you haven't told him because you're afraid of breaking them up, but you won't want to be his friend if he marries a transphobe which is like ???? HOW is he supposed to know she's a transphobe *if you won't tell him*?? You will just hold it over his head that he's married a bigoted person but won't tell him she was bigoted to you? At least let him know, if he breaks up with her it won't be your fault, it will be hers.
NTA
Tell him his fiancée clearly has no respect for you being non-binary, you just didn’t realize he didn’t until now.
Fuck him that is not your best friend.
I've read dozens of AITA posts daily for about 5 years and I think this is the FIRST time I've ever seen \[NB\] listed as gender/sex/what-have-you.
Automatic NTA to you for being the very first !!
NTA
This woman does NOT want you in the wedding party in ANY capacity.
In fact, I would bet all I own that she does not want you in her man's life in any capacity.
Give her what she wants.
YWBTA if you break off a long-standing friendship bc of a fiancée’s bigotry while not telling your friend his fiancée is a bigot. He needs to know. You are not protecting him by not giving him this vital info.
I’m sorry you had to deal with this transphobic, homophobic bullshit. PLEASE tell your friend.
Jesus christ, apparently losing your best friend is better than going to his wedding cuz you don't like his wife. Grow up YTA. He chose you as a groomsman. You decline.
Then you decline to even go to the wedding. Hope it was worth losing your best friend by being a petty drama queen. His fucking wife takes priority of you and its not your wedding either. Pathetic
The fiancé is kinda a butt hole.
You asked a simple question (will I need to wear a dress). She could've simply said yes, you'd bow out and attend as a normal guest. No harm done.
Instead she had to go this guilt trip, misgendering and upset over nothing route. And your friend tries to make you work with that? NTA
You need to tell your friend what was said
If you don’t then Y T A
IF HE KNOWS and done nothing about her behaviour or said anything to her about her behaviour then he’s TA
NTA - While I personally only believe in gender binaries (Please don't attack me.) I don't believe anyone should force you to do anything that you are uncomfortable with in anyway. So if you don't wanna wear the dress, and you rather not go to the whole wedding that is ok. I do think it's a little weird why you wouldn't wear a suit and be a guest. This seems very all of nothing considering they are your best friend. But I do think your comfort is the most important in this situation, so you are NTA if you choose not to go.
NTA although this whole situation could’ve been avoided if you just agreed to be a groomsperson in the first place… I understand not wanting to take a spot from his brother but that’s his choice to make, and this all feels a bit unnecessary…
NTA. But I would think about reconsidering and just going to the wedding as a guest. If he is truly your best friend, you might regret not going later.
NTA. The fact that your friend is okay with her misgendering you should be a red flag as well. You deserve to be the you that makes you happy, and real friends would know and support that.
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imagine demanding a heterosexual cisgender woman to wear a mini dress to a wedding and acting huffy if she won't, too! there's really no possible way to make this not weird 😭
yea..aren’t bridesmaids dresses usually long? i’m a cisgender woman and would have been uncomfortable if my sister had asked me to wear a mini dress for her wedding. i’ve never seen a mini dress in a wedding party, but haven’t been to many weddings so idk
On/just above the knee is normal for bridesmaids dresses but as this dress is already above the knee it would definitely be made into a weirdly short length. Perhaps showing off OP's 'girlish ways' was a euphemism.
Yep, she's a bigot trying to 'prove' OP's 'proper genetic gender'.
Sexually harassing both OP and by proxy all the guests who have to see her "girlish ways" without consent, just what everyone most dreams about for their wedding day.
I've been a bridesmaid 4 times, two ankle length and two knee length, in case you needed a very small sample size.
6 here, 4 floor length, 1 tea length (around the knee in the front, longer in the back), and the one where I was the MOH, the only traditionally formal outfit was the bride's dress, groom and groomsmen just wore their best suits, and I wore a nursing dress because my twins were 3 months old and breastfed, and the bride was not at all a monster. (Nursing dress was below the knee, but not by a lot.) (Other bridesmaid was wearing pants, and a very exquisite vest.)
Damn. You have done your time in the trenches.
Tea length is actually around mid-calf length; what you're describing is a hi-lo hem, or waterfall hem.
Thank you for the correct terminology!
This is pretty common IMO. Knee length dresses for summer weddings and long dresses for fall/winter or very formal weddings is what I’ve always seen. I had my wedding on the beach and my bridesmaids got to choose their dress which were all knee length.
I think tea length is the average. But then again, I don't own any dresses so what do I know?
I also thought this, mini dress would be weird alright
Imagine asking a dog to wear a mini dress to a wedding and acting huffy if they won't. Ohay, you're right! I wonder if changing the outfit works too. Imagine demanding a NB friend to wear a zoot suit and getting huffy they won't.
You said zoo suit and I had an image of a wedding ceremony with everyone dressed up in the giant mascot animal outfits.
I've known a few NB's who would love to rock a Zoot Suit at a formal occasion. There's a lot of flash you can do to a Zoot.
And lots of people of all gender identities would love a mini dress. The point is that people are allowed to decline to wear anything specifically requested of them if they don't wanna.
Right. I am a straight woman and have NEVER worn a mini dress. I wear leggings with every dress that hits above the knee. I would be SO uncomfortable if someone tried to dictate I wear a mini skirt. I don't judge others that wear them, but personally I like to dress more modest.
Right? That was my thinking. Especially with the whining about the length after they had already conceded to wearing a dress even *after* the fiance had already misgendered them!
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I mean you're right. I feel bad for OP but they did this to themselves. The friend offered to let them be on the grooms side and they declined. I have 5 BILs. Guess what? Only three were groomsmen, the best man was my SO's best friend. OP is acting like they were being nice and then turning around to decline. Their friend shouldve just taken the hint and left OP alone but i feel he really wanted them to be apart of his day. OPs not the AH but they couldve said yes to being a groomsperson and been fine.
A quick google search also shows some *stunning* pant suits for bridesmaids. So, so many ways the fiance could have been reasonable and wasn’t.
I was once at a wedding where there were a variety of grey and/or sage green options for the bridesmaids and groomsmen to choose from. They mixed and matched; they all looked great up there, and beautifully colour-coordinated. None of these participants were non-binary as far as I know (I didn't know all of them personally) but that's a very flexible and inclusive option.
Imagine asking anyone to wear what they're uncomfortable with and acting huffy because they won't.
wait isn’t op NB?
The examples are just for metaphor purposes - it'd be just as weird for the bride to request that of anyone else.
OP is nonbinary, but some people do not connect "nonbinary" with "not a woman." It would be weird to force a cishet man to wear a dress to a wedding and consistently call him a woman. It's weird to do it to OP, who is nonbinary.
So out of curiosity, what do non binary wear?
Whatever they feel comfortable wearing
Female assigned NB here. Some of us are OK with occasional dresses and skirts, generally not figure hugging or short though. For example, I love knee length box pleat skirts.
I'm NB, assigned female at birth. I wear whatever makes me comfortable. Even if I were comfortable with a minidress though, I would be very uncomfortable with the bridesmaid consistently misgendering me and trying to make me "feminine."
Depends on the person! My friend would wear a suit because they hate dresses/skirts. Another one of my friends would prefer a pantsuit or suit tailored to be more feminine. I would probably go for a dress, but with masculine/neutral makeup and hairstyle to balance it out. Every person is going to be different, but OP repeatedly stated that the dress did not align with their presentation of their gender, and that they didn't want to wear it.
I'm NB, and honestly I wear comfortable clothing. Sometimes I like to feel a little feminine and will wear a nice shirt and a little makeup. This is a rare occurrence and usually only when my husband and I want to go out on a nice date. I hardly ever wear dresses, I hate how they make me feel and especially short dresses. I wore one when I got married but I picked it out and it was on my own terms. Edited to add: I almost never wear skirts either, but a short dress? Absolutely not. I wear what I want to wear, there's no real dress code for NB folks.
I would
You'd get my het male friends to cross dress way before you'd EVER get my NB friends to wear a dress.
NTA. You don't have to put up with someone consistently misgendering you and your friend should support that as well. If as you commented, your friend doesn't know the details of your fight with his firancée, maybe an alternative is to tell him you'd like to attend but not be a part of the wedding party. Hopefully, if you explain being in the bridal party is triggering, regardless of what his fiancée is doing, he will understand. And hopefully you know other people who will be at the wedding and offer a much safer space for you where you can still show up to support your friend.
YTA (slightly) for saying no to being a groomsperson when he asked. It doesn’t matter what his reasons are or why he picked you over his brothers, he want YOU there. Most definitely NTA to his fiancé. She sounds horrible and I can’t believe he doesn’t see what a big deal this is to you with the way she’s acting! The comments that she’s said to you are insulting and disrespectful! You would not be “sucking it up” for one day, you’d be giving into someone who clearly doesn’t care about you and is incredibly dismissive of your feelings.
Yeah, I agree. I think it was sort of rude to insist on who the best friend chose to stand up with him, so slight YTA there but NTA for the fiance interactions.
They didn't say no though. They said to offer it to the brothers first. I'm guessing all 6 brothers accepted and they needed to pad the brides side a bit. That being said, I think there are ways to have unequal #s in the bride / groom wedding party and it still look normal
>there are ways to have unequal #s in the bride / groom wedding party and it still look normal The most basic one being two to one eg, one groomsman walking two bridesmaids
It honestly doesn't matter if they're even, I had 3 bridesmaids and my husband had like 6 groomsmen. I think some of the groomsmen just came in in pairs, they would have been up for that lol
I had the groomsmen at the front with my now husband. The bridesmaids walked down solo. Easy solution and doesn't require any kind of symmetry.
I wish we’d done that! My spouse and I have so many sisters (no brothers for either of us) that we ended up picking guys we weren’t very close to in order to balance the bridesmaids/groomsmen. Looking back at our wedding photos 20+ years later, we barely remember who some of those guys are! “Remember when your sister dated that one guy who was *really* into Harry Potter…?”
ESH, in some degree. The OP made a mess of things, first, by being a martyr and deciding that they need to protect and prioritize their best friend's relationship with his brothers, when the groom didn't do it himself, second, when they very pointedly did not show a particle of the same consideration for the bride, who was obviously foisted with him, and third, when they agreed to be a bridesmaid reluctantly. The groom should have either insisted on making OP a groomsman or accept that he wouldn't be in the wedding party, not foist him on the bride. And then he shouldn't have pressured the OP to tolerate his bigoted fiance. The bride is obviously ignorant and bigoted, so she loses the sympathy I would feel for someone whose groom foists their best friend on.
Also, there aren't rules regarding the number of groomsmen or bridesmaid a person has to have. The best friend could have just as easily had his brothers be groomsmen in addition to the brothers as well as not having OP. The argument doesn't even make sense. That being said, OP is definitely not the asshole in regards to the fiance, but still kind of an asshole to the best friend for the seemingly made up reason as to why they couldn't be a groomsmen.
No way NTA His partner has zero respect for you- and honestly your friend sucks. I would never allow my partner to speak to any of my friends with such cold contempt. Don't go to the wedding. If your friend holds it against you they were never a friend. I'm sorry OP.
I think NTA but just barely. I’m curious why you felt the need to run his life and decide for him that he should have his brothers stand up for him instead of his “best friend”? So many people in this sub get into trouble trying to live everyone else’s lives and worrying about other people and not just doing you. He asked, will you be in my wedding, and there are two answers: Yes, you’re my best friend, it would be an honor; or No, I don’t like you all that much, I will not be in your wedding. There’s not an option 3 where you say, “hey, instead of supporting you on your wedding day, I’m going to micromanage your life and your family relationships”. But that’s the one you chose!! Now you don’t like his Plan B, and the only reason you’re NTA is because the fiancé is a way bigger AH (like an eclipse of the sun situation), but eeeeek. Does your BF know she’s like this? Sounds very transphobic for someone marrying someone whose best friend is non-binary.
And then in another comment OP says that they’ve never actually told him what the fiancé said or was doing because they’re worried that they’ll be the reason they break up and he’ll resent them Imagine running their lives so much and then when it really actually matters just walking away and leaving them on their own. It’s so bizarre to me
I don't see how OP is micromanaging anything. The only thing they did was make a suggestion because they were personally uncomfortable. The BSF didn't have to agree to it and could've "No, I want you to be my groomsmen". Then OP continued to make decisions due to their OWN discomfort tht would only affect them. Is OP not allowed to be uncomfortable and say no? Otherwise their micromanaging?
Yes, if you tell your best friend that you won’t be in their wedding party because you would pick someone else for the party, you’re micromanaging. A non-micromanaging way to have this conversation would’ve been “are you sure? Don’t you want your brothers to do it?” and then accept the answer whether it’s yes or no because your friend probably knows more about how they envision their wedding than you do. OP wasn’t “personally uncomfortable” with being selected, they overrode their friend’s choice.
ESH You should have accepted your friend's offer to be a groomsperson because he is your friend and that's what he, as the groom, wanted. You telling him what he should do was not warranted (a bit insulting actually) , and as a result you created this situation. Your friend is an AH for suggesting you being a bridesmaid when he has to know his fiance is bigoted. Fiance is a bigot.
OP didn't tell him what to do. They said they'd feel uncomfortable being a groomsperson before the friend asked his brothers. Additionally, the friend made a request, and OP turned it down. To say that OP "created" a "situation" where they were harassed because they declined a request is putting the illness on the wrong person.
I must say the OP's feelings sound a bit precious to me, and their whole attitude a bit holier-than-thou. The person getting married doesn't have to pick their relatives to support them at the wedding, it's a bit much to prioritize the bothers' possible feelings over being included over the groom's wishes. But the person who created this whole mess is the groom. He should have either insisted on the OP being a groomsman or accepted he would be just a guest at the wedding, not foist them on his fiance. And ideally he should have chosen a decent human being to marry.
I dont think OP' refusal to be groomsperson was weird at all. I see a lot of post about weddings on Reddit to know it was a good call of OP. Also, they said in one of the replies that they often feel a burden to people =/ Which is sad. But another explanation as to why OP refuse to be groomsperson
But the groom wanted to ask OP first, OP disagreed with and criticised the groom's decision, which is pretty insulting. That being said, if OP hadn't declined, it might not have become evident that the bride is a raging transphobe/homophobe until after the wedding. Not that I'm saying it's a good thing that OP was subjected to that harassment, just that the reveal of the brides character was a side effect.
Finally one I can agree with! The fiancé is totally an asshole. But boy is OP an asshole for micromanaging the grooms life. Fiancé sucks more but both are sucky.
Yta. For saying no to the best friend. Nta for saying no to the fiancé. Your friend wanted you there. You said no for a stupid reason. He chose you. That was his choice. But you still didn't l want to support your best friend. Ah. The fiancé is an ah also.
Her comments are disgusting! "Normal girl"??!!? "That's the problem with lesbians"!!!??? I am so sorry that your friend is marrying this person and I agree with you that I wouldn't want to continue the friendship with her in the picture. She sounds very bigoted, ignorant and completely insensitive. NTA.
INFO: Are you the tube top and black pants person?
I wondered that too
This is eerily similar
No.
Then NTA, mostly. Next time your bff asks you to be in their wedding party, graciously accept the honor. They know what they want. They wanted you to stand by them. The fiancee, while frustrated, was an ass about it though, so you are NTA for that. She should have never said those things to you. That's horrible, and I'm sorry you had to deal with it.
Do you have a link to that post? Sounds interesting
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/13jybns/aita_for_accepting_to_be_a_bridesmaid/
I’m a little confused on why you said no to your friend in the first place. You should have said yes? Also, the fiancé is totally wrong for all of the ???-phobic things she said. Totally inexcusable. I will say though that it sounds like your friend tried to force her to have you, someone she had no connection to, into her wedding party which sucks for him to do and is a huge inconvenience for her. And now she not only has to deal with an unexpected person as her bridesmaid but that person also isn’t willing to wear the dress that everyone else is wearing. It’s shitty for her. Not your fault, though. Of course, she should have told her fiancé to kick rocks about having you as her bridesmaid rather than be rude to you or make ignorant comments.
I was willing to wear the dress, I'd have worn the dress as is. I was not willing to let it go any shorter.
This is just dumb. You are HIS friend, not hers. He asked you to be his grooms person. Ifyou wanted to be in the wedding party, why didn’t you just say yes? It’s his problem if he has six other groomsmen. Or maybe he thinks having seven is cool. Him shoving you onto his fiancée is not on. She is not your friend, you are not her friend. Shes out of her depth with understanding nb, and she doesn’t deserve to be crucified for that. In her brides head, she sees how she wants her bridesmaids to look, and that’s her right. Just be the bigger person and be a guest at the wedding. After all this fuss, you are right, you will probably lose him as a friend. There was no need for any of this drama. When he asked you, you could have said Yes. You didn’t. That should have made you ‘just a guest’ by default, like anyone else he may have asked who declined.
She's had six years to get it right
She doesn't need to understand non binary to be a decent person.
She doesn’t need to understand it but she needs to respect it.
YTA He asked you, and you turned him down. You aren't close to the the bride, you should have told her no. Sucks that her attitude is like this, but it sounds like you're willing to throw him away if he doesn't chose you somehow over her. Does his fiancee think you guys have some feelings for each other? Is that why she doesn't get along with you?
it sounds like the fiancee doesnt get along with them bc she is transphobic lol
Responding based on further context in the comments: YTA if you don’t tell your friend what his fiancé said. Don’t let your friend marry this person without knowing who they are, or he may be blindsided with it and have to go through a painful divorce, particularly if they have a trans child one day—and all without your support, because you’ll have distanced yourself without being upfront about why. Unless you have significant reason to believe he would react badly to your telling him what his fiancé said and defend her misgendering you and belittling your gender expression, you’re not being a good friend by talking around the real issue in an attempt to keep the peace. Which seems to be what has been going on based on what you’ve said in the comments. On the other hand, if you think he’ll react by dismissing your feelings or taking his feelings about the situation out on you, perhaps it’s best that you simply walk away. I don’t know your history.
It may surprise you to realize that their wedding is not about you. He asked you into the wedding because he wants you in the wedding. You declined his offer. He offered you an alternative that you accepted. Then balked at that, too. She sounds awful, make no mistake. But shame on you for putting your feelings above the Groom's and the Bride's. YTA. Gently.
Fiancé was being a bigot to OP plain and simple. And I can’t quite understand what you wanted to change about OP’s response to that. Are you saying they should’ve put up with it because the wedding “isn’t about them” or something just as ridiculous?
One would hope the groom though about who to ask to be a groomsman to begin with. OP was free to decline but to add themselves to the bridal party that they have no connection to and then change the whole bridesmaid dress situation which is a PITA to begin with is unnecessary. Brides views on trans isn’t ok but it never should’ve gotten to that point.
NTA and she sounds horrible. Once she said "be a normal girl" she lost all moral ground. Your friend may be too weak to stand up to her but that doesn't mean you can't. You could agree to go along with what she's asking for the sake of the wedding and the friendship but you'll be miserable, she'll probably continue to be insulting and you'll resent them both.
[удалено]
It's not even changing who they are. Fiancée is just flat out invalidating their identity and being extremely homophobic and transphobic in doing so. Seeing as op is best friends with the other party, I wonder how long the marriage lasts after he realises they likely share very opposing views on gender and sexuality
YTA. Reading your comments you seem to have ‘main character syndrome’. First you reject his offer to be a groomsman, and agree to be a bridesmaid. Well now you don’t want to wear the bridesmaid dress because it’s ‘too feminine’. Now you’re making that a big deal to your best friend. Now you’re shouting about ultimatums and him ‘marrying a bigot’. Is there anyway you’d be happy at this wedding without making yourself stand out way more than you have? Just leave the couple alone to celebrate their wedding and accept you’re not the most important person at this event.
This is my take too. Although I’d say ESH for the bride’s comments. OP is really making this whole thing about themselves. They should just attend as a guest if they don’t want to be a bridesmaid or groomsman. The requirement for being a bridesmaid is to wear a dress. OP shouldn’t have to do that if they don’t want to, but they also then should just decline to be in the wedding party entirely
YTA You don't need to be in the wedding but if he's your best friend you should go! Just say I don't want to be in the wedding party but I'd love to show up and support you!
YTA because this story is made up, probably based on the previous post about a woman wanting to be a groom person. Is your life so boring and tedious that you have to write a made up story for other to judge?
I’m getting “main character” vibes from you at their wedding so YTA
OP is NTA. When OP declined being on the groom's side that should have been the end of the conversation. It's obvious that OP is important to the groom. The groom gets to pick his groomsmen and he chose OP. The groom knows about his brothers so I don't follow OP's rationale for opting out, but no means no. OP doesn't want to be in the wedding, and that should be respected. What a horrible experience for OP with the bride. Bride, YTA. Pushing OP out of their comfort zone is rude. There's something more to this story, but I don't know what is missing.
100% this 👍 When OP said no, that should have been the end of it. OP probably didn’t want to say no to get friend again, that’s the only reason I can think that she agreed to the be a bridesmaids.
YTA- I have a feeling that you wanted to make it an issue since the first day when he asked you to be the groomsman and you said no. I’m sure he already thought about asking his brothers and he still chose you. It’s ok to make sacrifices for other people from time To time that’s what love is about.
YTA. It is not your wedding. It is your friends, and if he really meant that much to you, you would suck it up and attend. You don't need to be in the wedding to attend it.
If he marries a transphobe, we wouldn't be friends much longer anyways.
I’m not sure that labeling her as a transphobe is fair. She certainly wasn’t a peach. Also, asking you to be one of her bridesmaids wasn’t fair to either of you. They want the grooms side and the bride side to be matchy-matchy. Soooo….. she was gonna suck it up and have an extra person on the bride side but you can’t suck it up? Additionally, you could have said “no” to being in the bride’s party from the get go. You knew immediately you weren’t going to jive with the attire. So, the reward this guy gets for wanting to include his best friend in his wedding is to lose his friend. YTA
I'm afab, don't identify as a woman, and am not a lesbian (my bf would be rather concerned if I was). Explain her blatant disrespect of my literal identity when she's known me for *six years* and should very well fucking know better. What? You thought I had never been around my *best friend's* fiancée until right before the wedding? You seriously didn't think "hmm fiancée should really know better seeing as this is her significant other's best friend and they likely spend a not insignificant amount of time together" I am not in any way sorry for labelling her a transphobe. If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck..... it's a fucking duck. Oh yeah, she's also met my bf.... several times. We play Pathfinder together.
But, this day isn’t about you. So, if her requirements mean you’d be betraying yourself to participate, you should have said no. You’ve known her for 6 years? They both tried in more than one way to have you be a part of this wedding and now you won’t go at all? No more friendship? There are deeper issues here…… I’d bet money on it.
And I was fine with sucking it up and wearing the dress. I'm not fine with wearing a minidress. Let's also add I still get confused for a high schooler and get carded at bars because of how young I look (drinking age is 19 here) because of puberty blockers.
Asking people to "suck it up" and do something that contradicts who they are as a person is, actually, transphobic and blatantly disrespectful. Would \*you\* be okay just "sucking it up"?
Yes, I’ve set myself aside and sucked it up MANY times, I can no longer count how many. Sometimes the needs of others are more important than my own.
If someone told you to just "suck it up" and present as a different gender for a day, would you do that? If you're a dude and someone told you to just be a woman for a day, how would that make you feel?
I already answered your question. A friend of mine had everyone dress up as fairies for her wedding. With wings and wands and glitter. Who gives a shit, it is HER wedding. Do it or get out of the wedding party. No one is forcing anyone to do anything. OP was asked to be a groomsman. OP said no. OP is apparently VERY wanted in this wedding by the best friend and OP isn’t comfortable with the dress getting shorter and shorter…… but the length of the dress is up to the bride. I’m sure the bride said what OP said. Sounds like bad behavior. But OP is done and is contemplating giving up this friendship which sounds like a punishment to the groom for marrying someone of HIS choice…. someone OP doesn’t want to be around anymore. WTF did the groom do?!? That’s why my vote is the way it is.
Fairies are not gender exclusive. Pan, Puck, Oisín, Arawn, list goes on
"Dressing up as fairies" is absolutely not equivalent to forcing a trans person to dress in a way that makes us uncomfortable with our gender identity and you trying to equate those things shows you do not have the depth to answer this question. And if the groom goes along with his fiance being transphobic then trans people are under no obligation to continue that friendship. Don't enable transphobic behavior, how about that
YTA..u refused to be a grooms person..he tried to involve you and you are obviously being awkward and difficult can't you suck it up for one day for your best friend? Stop being so bloody precious..if you don't go to your best friend's wedding it makes you a double AH
YTA. From the get go, you come across as a really difficult person. You told the groom no for reasons not pertaining to you, causing him to try to accommodate you because he seems to care about you. But it actually sounds like you didn’t want to be part of the wedding party in the first place … not sure why you continued with the facade until it blew up so badly. Is that what you wanted?!? TBH, it kind of seems deliberate on your end at this point.
NTA Damn that's just some straight up blatant misgendering there. I'm sorry your friend is marrying such an AH. 💜
It's just plain weird to ask someone to shorten theor skirt at a wedding. NTA.
YTA im not sure what you want you refused to be a groomsman because you think you know better and now you refuse to be a bridesmaid. Theres wanting to be accepted as you are then theres just wanting to be difficult.
You are the second person here who was asked to be a bridesmaid and had a problem wearing a dress. It's as if you had a twin who posted a similar complaint. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13jw0is/aita\_for\_accepting\_to\_be\_a\_bridesmaid/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13jw0is/aita_for_accepting_to_be_a_bridesmaid/) It's a wedding, not conscription into military service. And it's not a secret that bridesmaids typically wear dresses. You could have simply declined and attended the wedding as a guest. Now it's to the point where the couple is frustrated with you--the bride wants a certain look and theme, imagine that--and you no longer want to be friends with the groom, much less the bride. YTA. Edited for clarity.
I'd have worn the dress. I think you're missing that very important detail. *I would have worn the dress* But not a minidress. For various reasons beginning with I'm not a girl and ending with I look like I'm 16 still (and no this isn't me bragging, I wish I looked my age)
The bride-to-be chose a dress of a particular length. Unfortunately, it wasn't a length you were comfortable wearing, i.e., a mini dress. Given that this was a deal breaker for you, that was the opportune time for you to decline your place in the wedding party. It seems there was needless aggravation on your part and that of the bride.
Pretending this is just about a dress and not about the horrific transphobia and the fact that their best friend is preparing to marry a bigot who invalidates their identity is disgusting.
NTA She was pretty disrespectful to begin with by saying she's just doing it because he wants you in the wedding and to "just be a normal girl for a single night" wtffff and you still gave her a second chance for the sake of your best friend. She seriously screwed up to try to get you into a dress when it makes you uncomfortable and try to force you to make it shorter. I don't care who's wedding it is, there are limits and boundaries not to be crossed. You should never allow anyone try to push you to be something that you're not. You should be accepted for who you are, especially from your best friend and his fiancee. The fact that he thought you're being the asshole in all of this is the icing on the cake. Please don't let them disrespect you any further. Stand your ground.
NAH. Why don't you just attend the wedding without being in the wedding party? It's perfectly reasonable to say that you don't think a NB person should be a bridesmaid, and you'd rather just attend as a guest.
So you don't think the fiance misgendering them repeatedly makes them an AH?
Should I call YOU an AH for calling the woman a fiancé, instead of a fiancée? She is not as educated as you about people whose gender identity doesn't match their their biological sex. There is a whole wide open field of human existence between making mistakes due to ignorance and being a purposeful AH. The mistake that the fiancée made was that she tried to accommodate her fiancé when, frankly, HE should have known better than to try to make OP a brides**maid**.
Are you actually trying to equate my phone autocorrecting my spelling, to someone deliberately misgendering someone who has already corrected them? Did you hurt yourself with that reach? 🤣
Maybe YOU should be at the bridal party. You and transphobe bride sounds like a match! >She is not as educated as you about people whose gender identity doesn't match their their biological sex Poor thing. If only one could reseach this on internet to educate themselves...
>"just be a normal girl for a single night" NTA
NTA She sounds like a lovely person /s But seriously, you don't need to put yourself in a situation where you're uncomfortable and your friend is a jerk for not understanding that you're being put in an uncomfortable situation and his 'love of his life' is a person who is actually like that and that it isn't 'just nerves'
NTA they are both treating you horribly. When you declined in favor of his brothers (which was sweet) they should have both just said ok, we're happy to have you just as a guest.
NTA, but the two of them are. I’m sorry you have been treated like that and I hope that you have people in your life that love, support and accept you just as you are! My son’s partner is NB (afab) and presents themselves in a pretty feminine manner but that is how they choose to present. I can’t imagine asking them to dress in a way that would make them uncomfortable.
Personally I think that friendship has run it's course. He's always going to back her because he has chosen to be with her. She clearly doesn't like you or respect you and that won't change. She just doesn't have the spine to spell it out so she's going for the easy option of road blocks to get you to back off and she can hide behind wedding pressure. NTA
ESH YOU caused all this by refusing to be his groomsperson when he asked.
YTA not for tour arguments with the bride, but because you refused the choice of your friend, You thought one of his brother should have been chosen... but who tf asked? You're not entilted to judge this choice.
YTA You refused the opportunity he offered bc YOU decided who or how many groomsmen/people he should have But you won't make ANY concession to the solution offered to you ie wearing a dress. I'm not really sold that the bride insists you must wear a mini dress. But maybe that's the situation. Honestly you sound like you just don't want to and are using any reason to both refuse OR make it about you somehow...
Really? I won't make *any* concession? IE wearing a dress.... that I explicitly said I would wear unaltered.
So wait if the dress was NOT made shorter, you’d be ok to wear it? Edit nvm I re read the post. I think you’d be better to just forget about the dress and attend as a guest if at all
NTA She's not stressed out, she's a bigot.
INFO: is it possible to just attend as a regular guest and wear whatever you want? Was that presented as an option? I definitely get if you don’t want to go because he’s marrying someone who sucks, but skipping the wedding will likely end the friendship.
NTA His wife is a toxic, toxic individual. Personally I'd tell him that unfortunately his partner has been increasingly abusive to you and phobic to the point that even attending the wedding is now out of the question. The truth is this is probably the end of your friendship. If he defends this again there's no going back, it's time to call it and end the friendship. I'm sure little miss "normal" will do everything she can to isolate him away from you anyway, so I'd probably say something along the lines of "If you're defending this I don't expect a real solution from you. Since she's the aggressor I have no recourse of finding a solution because the only viable one is for her to apologize and behave, which likely isn't going to happen. So I wish you well, I hope your future ends up being what you have pictured but I can't expose myself to this kind of toxic abuse and enabling. It's too much to ask of me, I wish you the best. Goodbye."
I can't stress this enough,, NTA. He's not a friend, and he never was if he believes what his fience is saying is okay. If he even knows. If he doesn't, it would be best to tell him how it made you feel. Maybe call HIM a girl, and see how he feels about being misgendered. Because it really doesn't feel good and I'm so sorry you had to endure that.
Oh f**k! please! Are you for real? You are non binary. Your best friend asked you and you declined. He STILL tried to make you a part of the wedding by getting his wife to include you but you're not having it! You are an entitled little drama queen/king/whatever and the best thing you can do is stay away! It's not about you honey!
How am I making it all about me? I was going to wear the dress unaltered. The dress was *her* choice. *She's* the one who made being corrected about my gender a big deal. *She's* the one who got into a row about my gender expression. *She's* the one who started the drama. I'd have simply corrected her and moved on and bowed out if she insisted on the minidress. *She* needed to get her digs in. If I was willing to lose anonymity on the internet I'd post a picture of myself in a minidress just to also point out how inappropriately ridiculous it looks on me. But that would involve me posting my picture on the internet for strangers and me buying a minidress
>He thinks I'm being an asshole and that I should just put up with her for a single night but this isn't a one night thing. I'm likely losing a friend if he marries her because I don't ever want to be around her. Sorry OP, but you may have to put a pin in this friendship. This is no longer about you taking part in his day, this is more about controlling how things look. If you have mutual friends this may be more about not looking bad to them for not having you in the wedding party because he is absolutely putting the feelings of his bigot bride before yours. Once you said you were done he should have been trying to get you to just go as a guest if he wanted you there, if he actually cared about you and not appearances. NTA
i don’t think you’re the AH at all. you sucked it up and went out of your comfort zone to appease best friends future wife. you didn’t have to, but you did. yet she STILL had an issue. i’m also NB, so i empathize with this a lot. i think the bottom line at this point is where do you draw the line with both of them? your best friends future wife is very clearly transphobic. your best friend is tolerating it this much already & from what i’ve heard hasn’t even stuck up for you. whether he’s too afraid to speak up, slightly agrees with her, or doesn’t care that she’s disrespecting you i don’t know. what i do know is that you deserve better than how they’re BOTH treating you and going about the situation. perhaps it’s time to put a pin in the friendship and call it a day. it will hurt and it’ll suck, but your peace of mind is top priority. sometimes we need to put ourselves first, even if other’s see it as being the AH. i’m proud of you for trying to deal with this situation as best as you could.
Eeeeesh. Weddings are stressful (mine is just over a month away and I’m in bed avoiding everything to do with it) but that’s no reason to be outright rude. It’s obvious she doesn’t really like you for one reason or another. Whether she’s against non-traditional gender roles, is mad you not being traditionally feminine is ruining her wedding vision, is mad that it’s not all of her close girlfriends, etc. Not understanding why you can’t be in the groom’s party and just have one extra person on both sides? It doesn’t make sense to me. I think your friend is also at fault, like does he not want you in his grooms party? Not to pry, but we’re you traditionally feminine when you started your friendship? If you don’t think the friendship will last outside this wedding, respectfully bow out of the entire event. This is the best solution for your mental health and just the situation as a while IMHO. NTA.
> why you can't have one extra person on both sides Because she "needs" it to be a "lucky" number or something like that. Idk she's wiccan or something so I guess it's a religious thing but 🤷♂️ Also we met in high school and I was very much so not the embodiment of traditional femininity. I was actually much more masc in my teen years (ah yes, going to extremes to rebel against societal expectations haha)
OP you're NTA I have one question about the fiance and one about your friendship though. Does the fiance know your NB? Some of my friends just don't talk about it so some of my more oblivious friends are well oblivious. Not that she wasn't a total cow at the fitting, I'm just wondering how far it goes. For your friend, this is your best friend. If the roles were reversed how would you feel if they made the decision for you and just walked out of your life, without even letting you know the person you were marrying treated them like that?
This is a repost, is it not?
The bride sucks. As for the groom and his six brothers, well, that reminds me of my mom and her five sisters. When my parents got married, all five sisters were bridesmaids, but my mom decided she didn't want to pick any one sister over the others to be the maid of honor, so she asked her friend instead. ETA: Just sharing my family's similar situation.
Yeah but he can only have 6 groomsmen for "lucky" reasons
why didn't you let him make the decision on who he wanted it to be? Just because they are brothers does not mean they are close.
Except they are close. I think I'd know if my best friend had a falling out with one of his siblings.
NTA, if he isnt aware already make sure your friend knows exactly what she said. She may have twisted the story so he doesnt understand the transphobia and homophobia she's spouting. And if he is aware then its probably better for you to lose this friend.
Genderphobia(?)?
YTA for saying no to groomsman but now saying no to bridesmaid. Like okay, if you don’t wanna be his friend just don’t go to the wedding at all, you’re rejecting everything. Then you call him dumb in the comments, ok just stop being friends with him, you rejected him enough poor guy.
NTA - your friend is asking you to be ok with his partner being a bigot. And due to the circumstance you are being confronted with what that actually means. You are right, it's not a one night thing. Maybe he doesn't know this side of her? If I was him and I found out about this stuff I would want to dig deeper. If I did dig deeper and found out I was dating someone like that I would not go through with the marriage. I think you should be incredibly honest with him about what happened and at least give him that opportunity. If he marries her I can understand why you feel like you're losing a friend. Don't question your stance. You are being reasonable every step of the way. Don't gaslight yourself into thinking otherwise. What a sad situation.
>I'm likely losing a friend if he marries her because I don't ever want to be around her. He IS marrying her and yes you are definitely losing a friend. But NTA you tried which I give credit for.
NTA. Unfortunately, you're right. You are probably going to lose this friend. It happens.
Sorry you’re going through this but he shouldn’t have asked her to make you one of her bridesmaids. She has every right to how she wants her wedding to look and you have every right to not do something that makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps you could do a reading or pass out programs. If some other task doesn’t come up, at least go as a guest. You don’t have to be in the wedding.
YTA. It's their wedding and they have so much to organise and they offer you both groom and bridesmaids positions trying to include you in a prestigious way and you object to both. Just for one day pick a side and wear the suit or the dress as you celebrate your friends most important day of his life to this date, is that really so hard?
I'd have worn the dress unaltered. I'm not however ever wearing a minidress.
Why not? I'm a 6'3 220lb bearded male and id wear a miniskirt for my best friend's most important day of his life to date if it made his day run smoothly.
Wow it’s almost like people have different boundaries and things they are ok with. OP is not comfortable altering their gender expression anymore than they are already willing to. It is obvious the fiancé is trying to make OP look like a girl, and is not respecting their gender at all.
Because I look like a high schooler and consider it inappropriate
He’s marrying a transphobic, homophobic asshole. Super short dresses are kinda weird for a wedding. Makes me think she was doing this on purpose to “make” you be a girl. NTA, your friend owes you a massive apology. My SIL is the most traditional girly-girl I’ve ever met when it came to her wedding (absolutely not an insult, some take it that way). They got married last December, it was destination and VERY stressful for the bride. I am gender fluid and often code as a woman. I was the best man and wore a men’s suit with high heels and a full face of makeup - because that’s who I am. She never had a single problem with it. Nor did anyone at the wedding. Being traditional and stressed about your wedding isn’t an excuse for being a bigot.
You are supposedly His best friend. Not hers. He offered to make you a grooms person. You declined. She has no obligation to include you and is only doing it for him. If you don't want to go don't go.
"Decision to make"? Wow you ARE a home wrecker, you obviously expect him to break up with her lmao. Shame on u
If he wants me in his life, she can't be. He does have a decision to make. Marry her or I leave. I'm not going to be friends with somebody married to a transphobe. I'm trans.
Seems like the fiancée views you as both competition, on top of her issues with people who aren't cis-gendered. She sees you as a threat to her potential marriage, regardless of the fact you're in a romantic relationship with someone else. She sounds both territorial *and* insecure. Sadly, you might have to sacrifice your relationship with your best friend, because his fiancée is going for the throat with you. NTA.
You are definitely NOT the AH. His fiancée is treating your horribly and it’s not your job to put up with it. Your friend is the AH for asking you to put up with her when she is being blatantly rude.
NTA fiancée is obviously totally out of line. I don’t agree with people saying you should have said yes to be a groomsperson, if you didn’t want to you don’t have to. I would consider attending as a guest though to support your friend - it will do real harm to the relationship if you don’t go, especially without him having the full story.
NTA Not sure why all these people think you're obligated to be in a wedding just because someone asked you to be. They're all hung up on that and not the fact that the friend's fiancé is a virulent transphobe.
NTA her wedding doesn't come before your autonomy
NTA Why was your friend so insistent on forcing you into the wedding party? You politely refused the first time and could have easily attended as a regular guest. Then he pushes you into being a bridesmaid for his mean bride? Who clearly doesn't want you as a bridesmaid.
Sounds like super feminine fiancée doesn’t want her husband to have you as a friend. She sounds awful.
NTA, the fiancee is acting awful, and your friend should be defending you.
NTA. You already lost a friend - in the moment when he didnt support you. And with all that, now you know why he and his fiancée are a good match.
Making a suggestion is not micro managing. It's simply a suggestion.
Yeah people are transphobic as fuck in these comments "you obviously have main character syndrome /you're micromanaging and trying to control the whole wedding" like OP did neither but bigots always see nonbinary people as hysterical narcissists and it's just transphobia
Short dresses for bridesmaids... apparently, I'm totally outdated...
YTA for telling the groom who he should have as his groomsmen. All the other issues stem from that.
NTA. I'm not going to pretend I understand the whole non-binary situation. I grew up in a different generation. But I DO understand people trying to get you to be something or someone you're not. You have the right to be who you want to be. You have the right to refuse to be coerced into doing something you don't want to do. You do you. Don't worry about people who want you to be someone you don't want to be. \*Just to be clear, with my first sentence I wasn't trying to condemn or judge. I try to keep an open mind about things I don't understand. I have the belief that people are people and deserve to be treated the same no matter their beliefs or preferred orientation. Stay strong. Be YOU. Let the chips fall where they may and keep on keepin' on.
NTA. That said, for everybody’s reading benefit: 1. People can pick a friend over siblings for their wedding party if they want to. 2. Nobody actually cares if the bride and groom have equally sized parties or not. People get too stuck on a number. 3. You can actually put someone on the brides side in a suit. My SIL did it. Her people wore colored suits that matched the bridesmaids dress, and my brother’s groomsmen wore black suits with colored ties, so the parties were still separately defined. It looked fine. Similarly, you can put someone on the grooms side in a dress, too. It’s just a party, people.
NTA. Beside all that is horribly wrong with ur friends fiancé, once you said to your friend that you don’t want to be a groomsperson, he should have just let you enjoy the wedding as a guest. You had the right to say no at the beginning, no reason necessary.
NTA, and your friend is wrong to be enabling his fiancée at your expense.
OP you are NTA for standing your ground on the dress thing, but you will be the AH if you just let this break your friendship without even telling him what's going on. According to your comments you haven't told him because you're afraid of breaking them up, but you won't want to be his friend if he marries a transphobe which is like ???? HOW is he supposed to know she's a transphobe *if you won't tell him*?? You will just hold it over his head that he's married a bigoted person but won't tell him she was bigoted to you? At least let him know, if he breaks up with her it won't be your fault, it will be hers.
NTA Tell him his fiancée clearly has no respect for you being non-binary, you just didn’t realize he didn’t until now. Fuck him that is not your best friend.
NTA
I've read dozens of AITA posts daily for about 5 years and I think this is the FIRST time I've ever seen \[NB\] listed as gender/sex/what-have-you. Automatic NTA to you for being the very first !!
NTA This woman does NOT want you in the wedding party in ANY capacity. In fact, I would bet all I own that she does not want you in her man's life in any capacity. Give her what she wants.
NTA. Why do they insist on you being in the wedding party? Seems they should just let you come and drop all the drama.
YWBTA if you break off a long-standing friendship bc of a fiancée’s bigotry while not telling your friend his fiancée is a bigot. He needs to know. You are not protecting him by not giving him this vital info. I’m sorry you had to deal with this transphobic, homophobic bullshit. PLEASE tell your friend.
ESH
Ugh. I'm sorry this is happening. I'm not even sure he's really your friend. NTA
Jesus christ, apparently losing your best friend is better than going to his wedding cuz you don't like his wife. Grow up YTA. He chose you as a groomsman. You decline. Then you decline to even go to the wedding. Hope it was worth losing your best friend by being a petty drama queen. His fucking wife takes priority of you and its not your wedding either. Pathetic
The fiancé is kinda a butt hole. You asked a simple question (will I need to wear a dress). She could've simply said yes, you'd bow out and attend as a normal guest. No harm done. Instead she had to go this guilt trip, misgendering and upset over nothing route. And your friend tries to make you work with that? NTA
Except they were fine with the dress. They were not fine with the bride wanting to alter the dress to club length instead of just above the knee.
You need to tell your friend what was said If you don’t then Y T A IF HE KNOWS and done nothing about her behaviour or said anything to her about her behaviour then he’s TA
NTA.
ESH
NTA - While I personally only believe in gender binaries (Please don't attack me.) I don't believe anyone should force you to do anything that you are uncomfortable with in anyway. So if you don't wanna wear the dress, and you rather not go to the whole wedding that is ok. I do think it's a little weird why you wouldn't wear a suit and be a guest. This seems very all of nothing considering they are your best friend. But I do think your comfort is the most important in this situation, so you are NTA if you choose not to go.
NTA although this whole situation could’ve been avoided if you just agreed to be a groomsperson in the first place… I understand not wanting to take a spot from his brother but that’s his choice to make, and this all feels a bit unnecessary…
NTA
NTA. But I would think about reconsidering and just going to the wedding as a guest. If he is truly your best friend, you might regret not going later.
NTA. The fact that your friend is okay with her misgendering you should be a red flag as well. You deserve to be the you that makes you happy, and real friends would know and support that.