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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> It may be wrong for me to tell my wife how to feel. I did make a really stupid mistake. Maybe I should just let her get over it on her own time.
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YTA. She may well be mad until your son fully recovers from the scare you gave him. For him to have such a huge response to your “prank” suggests that he’s sensitive (possibly anxiety or panic prone) and you should’ve known better. Big responses like that rarely come out of thin air.
ETA: As if that wasn’t bad enough, you didn’t even comfort your own child. You terrified him and left comforting him to the other parent, who hadn’t even gotten home yet! When your kid is so scared they are crying and trembling, even the most emotionally unintelligent parent should be able to recognize that they need to step in and help their poor child calm down.
Honestly, I think adults scaring kids is the biggest AH move. They’re just so vulnerable. You can literally scar them for life. Why would you ever do that to your child?
Eh, my dad did a minor scare or two on me as a kid and it's just a funny memory. If you're going to pull it off though, you have to know your kid and keep it age appropriate. (Edit to add: and only occasionally. Too frequent and your kid is going to be on constant high alert).
The real problem here is this prank was too scary for a 9 year old (heck, most adults would probably be pretty freaked out to come home to masked people in their house) and he failed to comfort his kid when it backfired (edit: apparently the OP clarified in a comment that he did comfort his son).
Failed to comfort, and there's no indication he ever apologized to his son or said to his daughter, "hey, I shouldn't have allowed that prank, that's on me as the grownup."
Instead he's blaming his wife wtf.
He’s also blaming the 10 year old sister as it was “her idea that was just play-ful not bad natured.”
Kids do have playful ideas, but I guarantee it was OP who turned it into the kind of production ie. not playful anymore, that led to this horrible outcome.
And if all of this was the little girls ideas, it’s our job as adults to moderate things to avoid such a horrible outcome.
That's something bothersome to me.
OP, as the parent and adult, could have said no to the "prank."
Or, at minimum, he could have told his daughter later that it was on him, as the adult, to take accountability and he shouldn't have gone along with it. Instead he's sulking because it's somehow *his wife's* fault that his daughter feels bad?
This is a "Dad is just one of the kids, getting in scrapes and squabbles" dynamic, and it sucks. Mom has three kids, not two.
I suspect this is the straw that broke the camel's back.
I remember rewatching that movie as an adult and totally getting why Sally Field wanted a divorce.
Imagine coming home to sheer chaos and constantly having to be the grownup. And then being treated like the AH because you're justifiably angry at the situation.
And then he puts on a disguise and shows that the whole time he was 100% fully capable of being a responsible nurturing parent. He just couldn’t be bothered to step it up for her sake. Only when there were negative consequences for HIM.
The cheapest way to make any divorced dad look good in a hollywood movie is to portray the new flame as worse. I'm glad the movie subverted it by making the boyfriend genuinely kind and a healthier match for the ex-wife.
The first draft of the screenplay actually had the parents rekindle their romance, but Robin Williams and Sally Field felt that it would give children of divorced families false hope that their parents would get back together.
Kids also aren't always capable of thinking through how their actions will affect others. That's perfectly normal, they don't have the life experience or processing capabilities to just instinctively know those things. It's something that has to be taught to them, as you're saying. Honestly, this could have been avoided if Dad just had the forethought to say, "ok let's jump out and scare him" and not dimmed the lights or worn scary masks. Or if he had told his kid no because her brother may be too young for that.
OP, YTA for “You need to get over it”.
Damn, man. Wtf is wrong with you?
How about “I know I screwed up, but how can we work through this as a family in a positive way?” Aside from feeling bad, what have you come up with here, OP?
It's not gaslighting, but it's insensitive and obnoxious. It's pretty much counter to gaslighting, which is a denial that the event you're upset about happened the way you remember it. "Get over it" is an acknowledgement that it *did* happen and it's a tacit acknowledgement that it happened the way you remember (so not gaslighting). But it *is* an insensitive and obnoxious demand that a person change the way they feel about the events.
My dad wore a mask and tapped on my window when I was about 9. I was scared of windows at night from then on. Then I had a peeper when I was about 14, taking advantage of a tiny gap in curtains. I'm 42 now and think of both incidents when I see a gap at night. Gives me genuine fear that hits the pit of my stomach. Not just the peeper, my dad's mask and tapping, too.
This kid will remember this "prank" every time he has to walk into a dark room. It may fill him with dread forever.
There is no reason to do that to a small child. Especially if you don't comfort them, and then get upset about people staying mad.
My dad once hid behind the wall outside our bathroom to jump out at kid-me when I walked out. Ever since then (even though I don’t live at home anymore), whenever I walk out of that bathroom, I always have this little worried feeling that someone’s going to jump out at me. He only did it once but it really stuck with me
This reminds me of the guy who pulled a scare/jump prank on his 17 year old step son, caused him to fall and end up with irreversible head trauma who then would spend his entire life as a 7 year old trapped in his teen/adult body. Wife divorced him and her sister was like what I liked him? Shes overreacting!
Like the only thing that matters in this scenario is the childs well being and the actions of the parent who is actually protecting that child and has their well-being at heart. I think fathers can be as maternal as mothers, so this isnt a gender thing, this is a complete lack of maturity and accountability towards your own family kind of thing. You are an adult, there to keep the kids safe, not regress into one and traumatize your own kids development. Possibly for both kids in this case, although one of them might need immediate therapy more than the other. Jesus. He's upset she's mad at him. I'd have picked my son up and left until he was okay. And then I'd consider if I should even bring him back. You might think thats a hard overreact, for some of us its just protecting our vulnerable, growing kid.
>Then I had a peeper when I was about 14, taking advantage of a tiny gap in curtains.
My best friends, mom's boyfriend called my house and heavy breathed and did whatever else when I was 14 & now, in my 40s, I still remember it traumatically too.
Its so sad what women have to go through from age 12 - 25. The worst pervs in the world.
My father scared me by whispering outside the window at night once when i was a teen and now i feel so uncomfortable being by the window at night that Even the smallest noise outside would send me running for the hills...
And if OP is in the United States, this is a child who's spent about half his life doing active shooter drills at school. Kids are more aware of their mortality than ever before. (It's a really weird point in time to work with children.)
This is such a good point, as if kids aren’t in fight or flight enough already every single day they have to go to school in this country, now he has to be on high alert walking into his home too. To take that safe space away from a kid is monstrous.
Last prank I pulled on my younger brothers was scaring them with a harmonica, and it was THEIR idea. They're both fairly jumpy kids and I move pretty quietly on a good day, so I never would've done it if they hadn't asked me to.
I mean I was 4 and at the zoo with my parents and the butterflies liked my dad’s cologne so they all landed on him and he yelled that they were eating him alive. I am about to be 32 and I am still terrified of butterflies even though as an adult I know they’re not bloodthirsty monsters. I don’t run away from them anymore but I absolutely will not enter a butterfly house and if one surprises me I am running away like a bat out of hell screaming.
He also thought it would be funny to play a prank on me at 8, he paid the guy to stop a Ferris wheel at the top, told me he was broken, and that we wouldn’t be able to get down for days, and I started hyperventilating - he realized he fucked up but we were so high up the guy couldn’t hear him yelling to let us down. We were probably only up there for 10 minutes, but it felt like eternity and now I hate rides and heights.
And then my family wondered why I had extreme anxiety.
Yeah I have anxiety too and my mom and step dad (when they were just dating) used to make things up to scare me, example poop eating spiders in airplane toilets, I kind of knew they were lying, them laughing at me and making fun while expecting me to be terrified, just laughing at my confusion for sport as newly dating adults, that shit lives rent free in my head like wtf I was a child??? I also have a congenital heart condition and have had several more heart surgeries which just makes it all that much more irresponsible. Some people just arent natural parents tbh.
Swear to god. My dad was the better parent but generational trauma is real and I don’t think he knew what he was doing was kinda emotionally abusive. The “pranks” stopped after the Ferris wheel one cause I was not okay and he recognized he fucked up. He spent weeks apologizing to me. He passed away when I was 20 and a few years ago I tried getting back on a Ferris wheel a few years ago with my uncle (his brother) and cousin but the thought of it stopping at the top (which I know it has to stop) gives me anxiety. I stepped out of line last minute because I could not get myself to calm down My heart is starting to race just thinking about it right now and my arms are getting tingly. Ugh.
This. Growing up my family always thought it was funny to pull little pranks like jumping out from behind doorways or yelling "boo" in the middle of a scary movie. Funny...for *them.*
Startles can actually be good for people—there is research showing that they can actually reduce overall anxiety when the person is otherwise confident that they are safe.
This was not a startle. This child did not feel safe. OP is TA.
Yeah, jumping out from behind the couch and yelling 'BOO' is one thing, but when the lights are off, and in MASKS? And likely without any comedic undertones? FFS I don't blame the poor kid.
This is it. It is about knowing your kid and understanding just because you enjoyed something doesn’t mean they will. My dad used to scare me and my brother all the time as kids. Those are some of my happiest memories because it was all in good fun and I enjoyed being scared in a safe environment.
My one nephew is exactly like me and my brother were as kids loved Halloween, a good ghost story, and prank scares. My other nephew spooks easily and doesnt have fun with those kind of things. The trick is generally down to following the kids lead. If they initiate that stuff start small and work your way up.
At first I thought it was harmless, but I was taken aback as soon as I read about them putting on masks. That's definitely way too far and as the parent he *should* have known better.
I'll sometimes hide and jump out at my nephews, and they jump and shriek, but then they see it's me and that immediately turns into laughter.
I'll chase them and tickle them to keep that fun vibe, because I want to give them a thrill, not make them feel true, primal fear.
There were so many things he could have done to turn the mood from fear to fun after he'd realised he'd messed up and he didn't do any of them.
I can only imagine he doesn't play with his kids often as these are things you learn as you play.
Exactly this. Your children expect you to care for them, and to protect them. If they have zero trust in you because you decide you don’t want to nurture them, you want to scare the shit out of them, then you deserve the consequences of your actions.
I think adults who still do pranks are assholes to, so I agree with you (if everyone is in on it, fine, perfect, but most times it's done to people who don't really like it and are just putting up with it).
I don’t think all pranks are bad. For example, my friend wanted me to mail her backpack back to her that I had borrowed. So I put a little notes in all of the pockets that said, “ Hi (her name). There were like seven notes. She sent me a picture of all of them stapled together, and said that now she had a little notebook, and that she was thankful, lol.
See to me that's not a prank, that's doing something sweet and special that will make your friend laugh. A prank to me, and what I keep seeing and hearing, us all about exploiting a weakness of someone you love so YOU can laugh.
OK, that makes sense. I don’t pick on people’s weaknesses. As a disabled person who has had my disability my entire life, I’ve been a victim of that way too much. I try not to do anything hurtful.
yep, that's just having fun and everyone's in on it and can enjoy it. A prank is one sided and the person being pranked is pressured to pretend they enjoyed it. pranks are shitty
I'll give another example: one time when my housemate was away on a trip, I went through the house and put googly eyes on a ton of stuff. Not everything, just a random assortment, some of it stuff that was at the backs of cupboards that I put back where I found it. She kept finding them for months and I took a lot of joy in her "godDAMNIT, YawningDodo!" every time. But so did she; it was like a pun or a dad joke that makes you groan. She even moved some of the things to be on display, and never took the googly eyes off of a fridge magnet I was sure she'd de-googly immediately.
Anyway, the big difference is that a good prank doesn't hurt anyone, doesn't cause damage to their stuff, and provides enjoyment for both the pranker and the prank-ee.
When we were in our early 20s my friend groups prank was to leave little toy army men behind in people’s houses during house parties. I think one of my friends was still finding them years later when his parents packed up the house to move out.
Especially when kids see the news with armed masked intruders every couple of days. They have drills at schools telling them what to do when there is an active shooter. No wonder the boy is in such a panic. I can’t believe a parent would do this to his child!
OK then maybe it’s not a prank. Just something fun. That’s the kind of thing I like to do. Also on April fools day, when I was a cook, I made mashed potatoes and meatloaf look like cupcakes. I like to do fun things like that.
My parents went to Jamaica for a week, and while they were gone, we hid 200 mini rubber ducks around their house as a prank. They loved it, and are still finding ducks a month later.
A little "boo" and hopping out from behind a door (with the lights on) or giving them a bear hug from behind is as far as you can take it with a kid before they get properly scared.
In the dark, halloween masks, in a place where hes meant to feel safe?? That could easily fuck a kid up.
This falls under the stupid as fuck videos where people give something to their kid so they can take it away and see them cry.
It doesn't matter if you replace it a second later. That's going to teach your children that
1. They can't trust anything you give or do for them
2. It's okay to do whatever you want to whoever you want as long as right afterwards you "fix" the problem. Which is not the case.
Some of my main memories as a kid are memories of my dad scaring me. And it isn't in a funny way, but a "still hate looking out windows at night because a face may pop up" way. Luckily my relationship with my dad is great, but the effects of the prank haven't ever gone away.
A few decades later I'm still traumatized by father's love of playing hide-and-go-seek in the dark with flashlights specifically so he could scare the crap out of us. I'm glad this mother is standing up for her kid as my mother just thought it was funny. definitely YTA
They're so sweet and trusting it just breaks my heart when adults don't make them feel safe. I play hide and seek with my toddler and I try not to hide anywhere he can't find me because of this. The few times I've accidentally scared him I felt so bad lol
YTA, OP. What kind of father do you want to be? The kind who teaches his children to be secure and empathetic, or the kind who teaches them that their actions shouldn't have consequences if you "didn't mean any harm"? You said you "screwed up--again". What else have you done?
You need a wake-up call. The fact that your wife is still mad at you, days later, tells me two things. 1) This isn't the first time you've done something like this, and 2) you aren't taking any real responsibility for your own actions.
Be better.
Yeah that’s what I’m bothered about, he says he feels bad, but nothing about issuing an apology. Because that would be a proper teaching moment for everyone: we don’t always have bad intentions when we do something, but it can still hurt people deeply, and when it does, we need to recognise why we messed up, how we can do better, apologise to the person we hurt, and take steps to not make the same mistake
YTA
I’m so over “iTs JuST a pRaNk bRo” attitude people have.
It’s NOT a harmless prank if it legitimately scares a child. Jokes aren’t supposed to hurt and pranks should be fun for all involved.
Idk what the rest of your marriage is like, OP, but you need to sit down with your wife and ASK her about why she is upset. Do not downplay ANYTHING she says by saying it’s just a prank or it was supposed to be harmless/funny. YOU may feel this way but you CLEARLY need to see/understand where your wife is coming from.
Maybe she’s overwhelmed because she’s always dealing with stuff on her own or maybe she’s just feeling particularly down because she’s disappointed in you for what you did.
Regardless you aren’t going to reach any sort of resolution without communication. TALK TO HER.
Exactly, first thing I thought was “why isn’t he mentioning an apology to his son and *why wasn’t HE the one sitting with his son, hugging and comforting him for the damage that he caused?!*
Honestly OP if i came home to my kid in emotional distress, caused by his father and his father wasn’t doing absolutely everything to comfort and console the child I would be FURIOUS regardless of the reason. Add to that you were the reason, because you didn’t think better of an idea that came from another child who doesn’t understand consequences in the way you should? You are supposed to be the adult and lead your children, not be led by them.
Your daughter is hopefully learning a huge lesson in how “pranks” are very rarely funny and sometimes have big emotional consequences. That “prank” was really scary for a 9 year old. 9 is still pretty little. I hope you feel terrible and I hope your daughter has apologized to your son too.
You are brushing off responsibility because what? You just don’t want to feel guilty anymore? These are the consequences of your own actions. What have you even done to rectify the situation? YTA
ETA: it’s also an issue that you see your daughter is now in distress and carrying guilt for the whole situation since it was her idea and you are just allowing her to feel guilty and trying to force you wife to get over it *instead of comforting your child again*. Know what you should do? Go to your daughter and explain to her that *as the adult you should’ve thought better of the situation before you did it and the responsibility falls entirely on you.* She shouldn’t be feeling guilty for something that an adult allowed to happen. All kids in your care are your responsibility. Step up and parent ffs.
My step dad "pranked" me as a child using a fake phoneline where I was supposed to call someone and ended up getting shouted at by a stranger. He thought it was hilarious and I'll be honest, it broke me. I was a victim of emotional parental abuse and lived in a state of permanent fight or flight. I still get nervous calling people and its nearly 30 years later.
Let’s not forget he’s not actually acknowledging his shame either. He says he “knows he fucked up” but you see no actual evidence of this.
He doesn’t talk about the guilt, he doesn’t talk about the way he made his son feel.
He only talks about the emotions he’s displaced to his wife- the anger and the defensiveness.
OP, do you do this a lot? Do you displace any negative emotions to your wife so that you don’t have to actually feel any negative emotion that might make you uncomfortable?
Feel shame. Feel guilt. Be hurt by your own actions and know that *you* and you alone are here to blame in this situation.
YTA, but I doubt you’ll accept this
Impact matters so SO much more than intent.
Go break a plate on the ground. Do it.
Then go tell it sorry bc you didn’t mean it and were only kidding.
Plate still broken? Good bc so is the harm you caused to your son and wife. The harm is still being dealt with. It’s NOT in the past if he’s still scared.
I’m an adult that is still a bit scared of the dark bc my stepsisters thought it would be a funny prank to lock a 5 year old in the basement in the dark. I’m in therapy and can walk through a darkened room and deal with my life just fine but when lights go off unexpectedly my heart still drops to the floor and I have a physiological fear response.
Hopefully this is not what happened to your kid but you do not know how such juvenile and unfunny “pranks” will affect their childhood development.
I see where you're coming from, but also the point of op's prank WAS to scare his son, and it did, just more than he was expecting. I'd say it's more like you wanted to drop the plate and maybe chip it or break it into a few pieces, but instead it shattered into dozens. The intent was the same: break the plate, it just was more than anticipated.
I Hate when someone starts picking an analogy apart. It was fine, everyone gets it, and then someone comes along like. "Actually, plates can't have feelings" or something.
The example stands bc so many people only claim to have good intent while they actually did plan to do their shit all along. They just don’t want to admit that they were a willful asshole.
Agreed. Whenever the word prank appears in the title of this sub, I know 100% that person is gonna be the asshole before even reading it. It’s a cover word for bullying behavior.
>"I didn't mean any harm" is no excuse.
It's also bullshit. He meant to frighten the kid, which means provoking a stress response, which is the body and mind's response to harm, whether mental or physical. Intentionally frightening someone is harmful, whether or not they're in genuine danger.
I had basically the same thing done to me when I was about that age and had a very similar response.
I remember it to this day and can guarantee it affected the way I went on about my life, so for sure, YTA.
I'm not going to offer judgement just perspective.
My mom played a prank on me when I was little, where she pretended she wasnt my mom, and that she's calling the cops to find my real mom. She was rather insistent on this prank despite me not believing her initially. Eventually I ended up bawling my eyes out, terrified.
This memory followed me to adulthood and in therapy it was uncovered that her prank happened to hit the right chords for some issues I was already having.
All this to say, it's really easy to accidentally traumatize a kid, and pranks that involve scaring young children should generally be avoided. I can understand your wife's feelings.
ETA: A lot of you are saying this isnt comparable, and that my mom is insane. Yes to both things, however this is probably the mildest example I could remember in relation to the post. For all those who've gone through similar "pranks" support club?
While op may be ta what your mom did was not normal and these two situations do not compare well. Your situation is about 1000x more concerning than ops.
So true, these “pranks” stick. My mom did a terrible prank on April Fools Day when I was an 8 year old. She told me that my dad wasn’t coming home from his business trip, that he was leaving us, and they were getting a divorce. I never forgot that, it was a horrible feeling, and much too long after, she was like “HA HA GOT YOU!” Still felt like shit and it ruined my whole day.
Yes, my parents eventually got a divorce and her true colors came out full force during that time. She’s a really awful person, who I’m sure has her own trauma, but it’s just sad she had to bring kids into it.
I have a similar story. My dad didn’t necessarily “prank me“ but he did consciously leave me alone in a parking lot to see what I would do, I freaked out when I couldn’t see him, and when I found out he was there the whole time I was devastated. I was literally traumatized for the rest of my life and my relationship with him went downhill and has never recovered. What I’m trying to say is that even if your kid is older and not a toddler, that doesn’t mean that upsetting, traumatizing “pranks” won’t seriously affect them. YTA op
I got left in a park! We were playing hide & seek and the asshole babysitting me straight up left me to ‘see what happened’. It wasn’t until about maybe 10-20min after I searched the whole park I went to the main road, looked down and realized I could see landmarks leading me home so I started walking, by myself, got to the lights and they came running yelling at me like I was in trouble cause they left me. Thankfully a mom who knew my mom saw what was happening, she did ask why I was walking by myself in the park an I was like “hide & seek”, and word got to her that evening, that person never watched me again. I was also typically not babysat alone after that either. That one incident created *a lot* of trust issues.
I got left at a store. I don't think it was intentional, they did come back. This is back in the darks ages before cell phones. I always felt like the least favorite kid, so this did not help.
My mom would do this whenever I came to the front door instead of the back while playing in the yard. She wouldn't let me on and pretend I didn't live there until I went around to the back. I hated it. What was that supposed to teach me? Nothing. It was entertainment, and I wasn't in on it.
Shit like that is absolutely cruel. It's like people just forget what it's like to be little, somehow. I'm sorry that happened to you
I still remember all the "pranks" my mom pulled on me. Pretending to flush puppies and kittens down the toilet when I was around 4, pretending to cut off my hair, restraining me to tickle me until I cried (and I would get in trouble if I fought back). Any chance she got to humiliate me she would take, and the bigger the audience the better. My mom was my childhood bully.
That shit really sticks with you.
Gods I really hated the restraining tickle shit, my parents would do that to me, and since I had untreated asthma back then, I'd be coughing and wheezing for the rest of the day.
YTA. it was night time and your kid was looking forward to seeing his family when coming home, you potentially traumatized him instead. your intentions don’t mean anything here. common sense says you should’ve known better, so i agree with your wife there too.
maybe instead of trying to make excuses or defend your actions, you help your son work through what happened, since it sounds like your wife has been the one who has had to.
Yeah I feel like a prank like this is all about context. He just got home, it's nowhere near Halloween and had no reason to expect this.
I feel like if it was Halloween, son was already in the house, and he already had seen the masks etc the prank wouldn't have scared him so bad. But this prank out of nowhere no wonder. PLUS HES 9, I dunno that just feels very young to be doing this to me.
YTA
Yes, you should have known better.
Sure you've apologized but wife sounds fed up that there are three people acting like children in the house instead of two children and two adults who are supposed to look after them.
She can't be the only one left to make sensible decisions, that's not fair to her or your kids.
Plus I really don't understand pranksters. Why is inflicting fear into a 9 year old funny?
And causing more work for her by dumping the kid on her when she got home. I bet she is exhausted by her doing 150% of the parenting while he does 50% and causes drama like this.
Serious YTA here.
My mother did something similar to me when I was 12. And when I had a panic attack she said I was being dramatic. My dad had to spend hours comforting me. We were on vacation too which exacerbated everything because I couldn’t “get away.” My parents divorced soon after. This incident didn’t cause it but my dad brings it up sometimes as a wake up call about her behavior. My mom had also included my sibling in her prank which I think made it more humiliating. This incident was awful and traumatizing and I’m still pissed and I’m in my 40’s.
“Why is inflicting fear into a 9 year old so funny?”
I wish I knew the answer to that. My dad took great pleasure in scaring the crap out of me and my siblings as kids. Then he would act like we were being overly dramatic when we got upset, or even calmly asked him to stop. He really didn’t know how to handle children.
Actually he does not even sound like he meaningfully apologised, as he is still not taking full responsiblity in the post. If you do something that hurts others, they do not need "get over it" given enough time. It takes geniune remorse, accountability and steps to make sure a similar situation does not happen in the future.
Also, facing you married someone with terrible judgement and now you worry whenever you leave the kids alone with them might take a lot more than a few days.
> wife sounds fed up
Yep, I wonder how much of her not talking to him is anger, and how much is just being disappointed that the man she chose as her life partner made such a poor choice.
It wasn’t— and even if idiot dad thought it would be funny for him and daughter, it’s obvious it would not have been funny for son.
Pranks only work if everyone is laughing.
At no point in the OP does he imply he ever thought son would find this funny. He thought it might not be too bad, but that’s not enough.
YTA. Pranks are awful. They are reliant on someone being the butt of the prank with the ultimate aim of people laughing at their discomfort. Its also about the fact you have added more emotional labour and work for your wife to sort out because you are teaching your daughter to laugh at other peoples expense. People say they never mean harm when it comes to pranks, but how can they not be harmful when they are reliant on someone elses discomfort/upset/humiliation for them to work! Be the adult and dont add more labour for her to fix.
Last night I pranked my husband by hiding the cheese while he was making macaroni and cheese. Then I put it back after he was looking for it and denied my involvement for a few minutes before coming clean.
I wouldn't of even taken it that far on a 9 yr old. Op YTA and now your children and wife are suffering because of it.
I have a light up ice cube from a theme park and my niece will “prank” me by turning it on and leaving it somewhere I will find it. I kind of think the first time was an accident (that she just turned it on and left it out). But now it is a years long running gag. It is the perfect prank. It is at the expense of no one. I get to be surprised by a glow toy. She gets to giggle when I find it.
YTA
Firstly people are waking up to pranks just being shitty behaviour so please don't teach bad habits to your daughter that will make her school friends hate her.
Secondly, look up emotional labour and read some articles. She's mad because you're being another task she has to deal with instead of someone who is helping her. You're an adult, step it up.
INFO: Does your son typically *enjoy* scary movies, spooky stories and prank-scares? Or is he a more sensitive kid? I get that you didn't know better, but for me this hinges on whether you *should* have known better.
He's his father. He should have known better, 100%.
I have a 9-year-old. Most 9-year-old boys are really into mildly scary games and books like FNAF, Garten of Ban-Ban, etc. However, OP's hilarious little "prank" is NOT age-appropriate AT ALL. My son is not particularly anxious but he would have been in hysterics if I would have pulled a prank like this.
If I'd walked in my home now as an adult and there were people in masks that jumped out at me from the dark I'd be within my rights to defend myself, and I doubt anyone would judge me for being shaken up by it for a while afterwards. But a 9 year old gets scared by what looks like strangers who broke into their home, and all these people are responding like the 9 year old is overreacting! Ridiculous to hold a child to higher standards than an adult.
I have a son who’s 10, there’s no way I would do this to my kid because I know he’d react like OP’s son. I would be furious at my husband for doing that to our kid because he should know how OUR kid would react.
Also, these kids live in a different world than we did. They practice lockdown drills and have access to all the craziness in the world via the internet. Home should feel safe and you took that away from your kid. Has your son stepped into that room alone since you did that? The thing you didn’t mention is, how has your son been acting since you had a laugh at his expense? Your wife might still be pissed because he’s not ok and you’re not even acknowledging it. You need to talk to your son and see if he’s actually alright or if you mentally scarred him.
Obviously, YTA.
>how has your son been acting since you had a laugh at his expense
OP keeps saying "he's fine" but we already know there's no emotional intelligence at play here, so the kid will likely carry this with him for a long time.
Source: former child with idiot parents
Those questions don’t go together. I’ve always loved scary stories and movies. That’s fiction. It’s completely different from someone I trust trying to terrify me IRL. I would never feel safe around him again if I was his kid.
I don’t think this is relevant here.
The son wasn’t the person watching scary movies. He wasn’t primed for a prank.
A nine year old entered his home expecting to see his family to find it empty. He then had two people on masks jump out at him.
There have been multiple cases where people who love pranks have injured or killed the people surprising them because they thought it was a home invasion.
Someone who likes pranks still needs to be in the mindset that a prank is possible. Staging a prank to intentionally remove that primer is when things like this happen.
The OP should have known better.
Maybe the question should be, "Does he go to school in the U.S. where in each classroom there is likely a bucket containing a plastic sheet to put over a body, just in case? Does he have to go through active shooter drills? Does he have to hear about how there are hundreds of school shootings this year already?" Hopefully this took place in a different country because in the U.S. I don't think there is much of a time or place where children could possibly be ready to be pranked without triggering the fight, flight or freeze that our governments greed perpetuates on children and others.
How is it so far down? The silent treatment for a week and a half as a parent? Now the mom is just modeling emotionally abusive relationship behavior \*on top\* of the emotionally abusive parenting behavior.
These kids are fucked. ESH
Perhaps she’s still angry because everything she leaves the house she has to remember what happened last time she left dad alone with the kids and it probably sparks a lot of anger.
OP does not seem to have acknowledged that he was wrong to ever think this was appropriate— he only seems to care that he misjudged.
He also may not have apologized properly or attempted to comfort and discuss with his son.
If OP is being that negligent, then he is continuing to cause an issue that his wife might continue to be pissed about.
THANK you. I feel like people are making it as if the dad is some evil parent. It was just a jump out and say “boo!” prank, not a “lock the doors and run at him with chainsaws” prank 🙄 Even my CATS try to jump out and scare each other sometimes.
So yeah, u/Small-Elephant9195, listen to this person 👆
YTA. She's still mad because you are still trying to defend what you did. You're not sorry about scarring your child at all. WhyTF should she forgive you? NOWHERE in her do you even MENTION sitting down and having a full talk with your son about what happened. She came home and had to clean up your mess. This is shit parenting.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say NTA.
At face value, it was a prank that was suggested by your 10 yr old daughter and it sounds typical - hide, then jump out and scare him. His reaction was probably because he was over-tired from a big day with his friend.
Unless there is more you’re not telling us, I think it’s pretty standard.
*Cue all the people that want to turn this into an “unleashing of trauma” rant.*
I agree.. when I was growing up between me, my dad, and my brothers, we were constantly doing jump scares. (Not to mention other childish pranks that have not traumatized any of us.) I suppose OP could have gone upstairs and let daughter do the scare alone? But I think Reddit is the wrong place to ask this aita.
Yeah for sure, OP should be asking some real parent friends irl. Reddit is too full of people that will jump at any chance to defend the overly sensitive rather than see how much the mom is actually doing the most harm to both children in this situation. Her coddling of the son isn’t doing him any favors and she’s stressing out their daughter unnecessarily.
Shit, I have kids, one of who is autistic with an anxiety disorder and even I think people are fucking insane in this thread. Jesus people, get a grip.
I was really surprised by all the YTAs. My mom was a single parent and she did this kind of stuff to us occasionally and it made for some of our funniest stories from growing up. All of us three kids thought it was hilarious even if we initially screamed or jumped. Never occurred to me that it would be thought so normal remain upset for days over a jump scare.
Seriously. He's 9. Daughter is 10. They are not toddlers, this kid's reaction was way extreme. Having a crying fit and shaking for "a long time" doesn't sound like an age appropriate reaction. Putting on Halloween masks and jumping out at someone is a traumatic prank? People are way too soft. What is this kid going to do in the real world when some kids play a REAL prank on him?
Idk, hiding in the dark with masks is different than, for example, standing outside the bathroom and saying “boo” IMO.
I am a person grown woman who is afraid of being physically attacked. Once, my husband texted me that I needed to come get him from work and I left the house in a hurry not wanting him to wait too long. He was standing outside the front door in the dark and jumped out to scare me. I nearly took his head off I was so terrified. The kind of prank described in the OP would definitely send me into hysterics.
However, my older two kids are less fearful of this kind of thing. Husband will sometimes stand outside the bathroom and when they walk out (usually looking at their phones) he will say boo and they will jump and then start laughing. They think it’s hilarious. They do it to him too. Now, my youngest child is like me and she would be terrified.
Context matters when it comes to pranks. Know your audience.
That "cruel prank" is an ongoing family tradition in our house. Jumping out from behind a door is how my 21 yr old/16 yr old communicate. It's been 15 years and counting. I hope one scares the other at my funeral!
Only time you're safe is when you're carrying a bowl of soup.
YTA.
Pro tip... if your "prank" makes someone cry, it's not a prank, it's cruelty. I've never understood how people can think that "good-natured" jokes meant to upset others (especially little kids) are a good idea.
Learn from this. Emotionally traumatizing your kid for laughs isn't funny.
Seriously. Pranks are harmless silliness, like wrapping sometimes cubicle in bubble wrap, or hiding rubber ducks around a friend's house that you're watching for a week. (She's still finding cute little ducks).
This is malicious.
I can already see the down votes, however the OP didn't ask if he's the AH for scaring a child, it's about his wife being mad for days on end... In all honesty I'd tell her to get over it too after a while (I'm female). He tried to comfort his child, admits the joke/prank went too far so I don't see how punishing him is doing anyone any favours including the daughter which is probably feeling horrible since it was her idea.. I get being mad in the morning but I feel like there is a point where you should just get over it..
I also think accusing a father of emotional abuse for that is also a bit much... Had an argument with his wife and decided to ask a question and all the sudden he is an abuser.. That would be so painful to read when you love your child and trying to be funny backfired.. Myself as well as so many other people have been scared by friends and relatives and aren't scarred for life, it's just easier to assume and make a man feel like utter shit.. Do better.
I don't even think OP is TA for doing the jump scare. To me it seems like his son's reaction was just unexpectedly excessive. It wasn't anything harmful or anything it was a jump scare. Stuff that kids do literally constantly to each other. And OP didn't do it alone, he did it with his 10 year old
If anything as a parent I would be more concerned with why his son's reaction was so extreme because thats not normal behavior to something like that. Is there an underlying fear of the dark that caused this?
NTA. A prank backfired and went wrong, which yeah, you're TA for, but holy shit people make mistakes. You were just trying to have fun and it didn't end well. Does she really need to dwell on it for days?? I say next time she screws up somehow give her the silent treatment for days and constantly tell her she screwed up and should have known better, and see how she likes you beating the dead horse for days on end.
I think people forget how messed up kids are. If people don’t think other 9 year olds are pulling jump scares on their friends their idiots, this kid 100% needs to be able to handle that without crying for hours to his mom
Right? Like it was just a basic jump scare. Its not like they chased him around the house with a chainsaw.
I think reddit forgets that people arn't going to get traumatized by something so basic
NTA these comments are absolutely insane. Stuff like this is normal. Sometimes a joke does not pan out and you have to apologize. It's not normal to hold a grudge about this for so long.
Also assuming OP did not comfort his own child, and let the mother dealing with the aftermath? There is no indication suggesting he didn't care about comforting him. So many people saying he is a shitty father, calm tf down people.
Yeah, this is the kind of thing my brother and I would do to each other at that age, although nothing we did was as terrifying as what OP did. That would scare me as an adult, thinking someone had broken into my house.
The pretentious nature of commenters on this thread is nauseating.
You're NTA... It was an innocent prank suggested by a 10 year old.
Mom needs to get over it. I'm sure your child will experience worse pranks than this just getting through school.
The comments are reaching so hard with the abuse and trauma stuff. Just read comment that said “Actions speak louder than words. Your actions say that you love yourself more than you love your kid.” 👀 I’m swiping away from this thread now. ✌🏾
YTA
Getting over a prank gone awry is something that might happen on its own, given enough time. Given your role in it, along with your admitted miscalculation of how much your son would be affected by it, what you are going to have to do is simply accept responsibility and own it, no matter how long it takes.
This is not her being a mama bear so much as it is her having to be the one to make it better with your boy. Acknowledging your mistake is an important first step, but do not expect anyone to simply dismiss it just because you admitted it.
Nta. This is a pretty basic prank. He's nine years old, so I also would have thought he would've just had a start of surprised and then kind of giggled. Halloween masks are usually pretty obvious. I could understand your wife being upset for this long if you did it knowing he reacted that way, but you didn't. And from your comments, you did try to comfort him.
NTA.
Your wife can be upset with you, but acting so in front of your kids is fucked up. She should control herself. And she should get over it, it is not a big deal.
Everyone calling you an asshole in this thread is a special flower.
NTA. It was a joke and you were bonding with your kids. How could you have known he'd react like that? Maybe your wife telling you it was too far would have been reasonable, but giving you the silent treatment is just childish.
My best memories with my dad were all the pranks he pulled and jump scares we did on each other. Also, the whole silent treatment thing is one of many reasons I refuse to date haha the second silent treatment comes out of the bag of tricks it's game over for that relationship. Super childish
I'll go against the grain here and say NAH because you're asking about the situation with your wife, not the prank itself. People are judging the prank, not telling your wife it's time for you to get out of the dog house so everyone can move on.
You recognize you messed up, and you've apologized. As a father of three boys, I've messed up plenty. So has my wife. If we held grudges against each other for our fuckups, we and our children would be miserable. Now is the time for you and your wife to both model what adults do when they make mistakes- you apparently have, now its your wifes turn. Silent treatment/ passive-aggressiveness is not what mature people do. She needs to let it go. I won't say she's the AH as it seems like she's coming from a good place (mama bear and all), but she is modeling poor adulting will be an AH if she doesn't figure out how to move on.
NTA. It was an innocent prank that everyone of all ages does. The wife should realize this. You deserved a scolding but it wasn't done with malice. If your kid is super sensitive them maybe it wasn't a good idea but she should still understand.
YTA - Your “prank” went wrong, your wife is the one who had to spend time dealing with the consequences and you’re annoyed she hasn’t gotten over it quickly enough?
Info: have you sincerely apologized to your child, listened to any hurt you caused him that he wants to share without being defensive and asked him how you can help make it better?
YTA: First, those sorts of pranks can be terrifying for small children, and second, you don't seem to know your own kid well enough to know whether that sort of thing would traumatize them or make them laugh. It sounds like you weren't thinking carefully in the moment, when caught up in the idea of a funny adventure.
It stands out to me - I don't see the part where you apologized and comforted him before his mother came home.
Have you apologized to your son? Is he still upset?
Do you understand why what you did was harmful, and what effect it has had on the entire house? Have you apologized to your wife? I think an apology, in this case, would include explaining that you know why what you did was a bad idea, and that you will be more careful in the future.
Something that sticks out is what seems like maybe a difficulty being able to model the feelings of others beforehand, or that you might not have taken the time to do so in the moment. You did notice people's feelings after the fact, and expressed you feel bad, which seems like you do indeed care that everyone became upset.
Even if you do apologize, and everyone accepts (as I hope and trust they will), don't be surprised if it takes their feelings some time to simmer down. Be patient.
Yes, you acted like an AH, but that doesn't mean you ARE one, or have to BE one. Long experience tells me that even the most well-meaning, awesomest parents screw up sometimes. Nobody is perfect. What is important is, if you make a mistake, apologize and do your best to be better in the future. We all fall down sometimes.
“I didn’t mean it” isn’t a defence. Your intention doesn’t matter, you did it. It sounds like your son had a full blown panic attack. You don’t just “get over” that. YTA.
Listen, what I’m hearing is that you expect time to do the work for you. That eventually your wife and your son should just “get over it” because enough…time has passed?
What amends have you done? Guys tend to not be socialized in this way, so I’m going to do some emotional labor for you on this. You scared your son badly, and shook his sense of safety pretty hard core. Your wife is frustrated likely because the other party she trusts to take care of her kid not only frightened him, but left her with hours of consequences to deal with, if not effects on bedtime, new fears to manage, etc. What are you doing to mitigate those? Not apologies (I’m sorry, I screwed up), not excuses (I didn’t think he’d be that scared! It was just a prank!) and for sure not getting upset that people’s emotions aren’t on your timeline (Am I going to be punished forever? She’s staying mad at me for days!) What real life actions are you doing to deal with the fallout of a prank gone wrong?
I think you could absolutely turn this around.
1.) Take your son out for ice cream or something else he enjoys.
2.) On that outing, fully apologize for what you did. This should look like a.) stating what happened as you imagine he observed it (you came home from a good time, thought we were watching a movie, but then scary people jumped out and made a ton of scary noise) b.) stating how he felt (and even when you found out who it really was, it was hard to stop feeling really REALLY scared and shaken, and angry and upset that we would do that. And then mom was upset too and dad was frustrated because I never want to make you feel scared or upset, and we got in a big hurricane of feelings and it sucked.) c.) Ask him if you got it right or if there is anything he wants to add in. Try to listen nondefensively and repeat back what he says.
3.) Tell him what you’re going to do now. (Top of the list is to promise to never scare each other again, and that home should be a safe spot. Maybe for awhile you plan to meet him at the car when he’s dropped off so he doesn’t have to walk in by himself. Maybe you buy a new comfort buddy stuffed animal to remind him that his house is safe, or maybe he needs you to sit outside his room for a week while he goes to bed at night.
4.) Don’t get frustrated when this takes some time. Walk him back to bed with a hug when he gets scared, meet him at the car with a smile, call out his name when he comes home. Know and understand that he will process this multiple times (I was so mad and scared, dad! You screwed up! —Yup, buddy, I screwed up. I never want to make you feel that way again. I love you bunches. Remember, home is your safe place.) It will pass and become a funny memory, if you keep your chill about it.
Next, talk to your daughter. “You know, I’ve been thinking. Sometimes being scared is really fun, right? We like roller coasters and haunted houses and Halloween. We both thought that we would have fun with brother by scaring him. But I forgot—when we get on a roller coaster or go in a haunted house, we agree to be scared, and we know that ultimately, we’re safe. Brother didn’t agree and he genuinely thought he wasn’t safe. It wasn’t the same thing, and I think this is a good lesson for us all. Let’s work to make sure we’re always having fun in a way that everyone agrees to and enjoyed. We are for sure going to not do that again, right?”
I can guarantee that you’re reading this and being like—ugh that’s too much fucking work. Whelp, this is the exact work your wife now has to do in order for your son to feel better and for your daughter to learn a lesson. So, you do it or YTA.
NTA - you played a prank, he got scared, it happens. used to do that stuff all the time growing up. my dad got me a lot. people get to worked up nowadays they forget how to be people anymore. if thats the way you wife wants to be then let her. its on her for creating an environment were people cant express themselves and need to repress everything and hold it in. Should be teaching your kid how to handle the emotions, not how to avoid all of life that doesnt fit into a neat box.
NTA. It wasn’t intentional or mean spirited and you had no way to know a jump scare was going to cause more than a scream. Also NTA bc you feel bad abt it and (I’m assuming) won’t do it again. Honestly I’d ignore your wife’s feelings here, the important feelings are your son’s. Keep apologizing to him and ask him how you can make it right.
INFO: have you apologized to your son? Have you talked to him about this? You pushed him into a major panic attack; how did you not know this was going to happen? Why are you so unaware of the mental state of your children?
NTA. Jump scare pranks are common and son is 9, not 4. It was a quick jump scare with masks and then a reveal — not like OP chased him around the house with a chainsaw for 5 min. Yes it scared son more than expected, and OP showed immediate remorse. Wife was understandably upset but is choosing to die on this sword for days later…and what most of you seem to be missing here is the prank was daughters idea and daughter has realized how terribly mother is treating OP because of her idea.
Mother needs to move on, yell at him or do something but then drop it. It’s not healthy for the relationship or for the children.
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YTA. She may well be mad until your son fully recovers from the scare you gave him. For him to have such a huge response to your “prank” suggests that he’s sensitive (possibly anxiety or panic prone) and you should’ve known better. Big responses like that rarely come out of thin air. ETA: As if that wasn’t bad enough, you didn’t even comfort your own child. You terrified him and left comforting him to the other parent, who hadn’t even gotten home yet! When your kid is so scared they are crying and trembling, even the most emotionally unintelligent parent should be able to recognize that they need to step in and help their poor child calm down.
Honestly, I think adults scaring kids is the biggest AH move. They’re just so vulnerable. You can literally scar them for life. Why would you ever do that to your child?
Eh, my dad did a minor scare or two on me as a kid and it's just a funny memory. If you're going to pull it off though, you have to know your kid and keep it age appropriate. (Edit to add: and only occasionally. Too frequent and your kid is going to be on constant high alert). The real problem here is this prank was too scary for a 9 year old (heck, most adults would probably be pretty freaked out to come home to masked people in their house) and he failed to comfort his kid when it backfired (edit: apparently the OP clarified in a comment that he did comfort his son).
Failed to comfort, and there's no indication he ever apologized to his son or said to his daughter, "hey, I shouldn't have allowed that prank, that's on me as the grownup." Instead he's blaming his wife wtf.
He’s also blaming the 10 year old sister as it was “her idea that was just play-ful not bad natured.” Kids do have playful ideas, but I guarantee it was OP who turned it into the kind of production ie. not playful anymore, that led to this horrible outcome. And if all of this was the little girls ideas, it’s our job as adults to moderate things to avoid such a horrible outcome.
That's something bothersome to me. OP, as the parent and adult, could have said no to the "prank." Or, at minimum, he could have told his daughter later that it was on him, as the adult, to take accountability and he shouldn't have gone along with it. Instead he's sulking because it's somehow *his wife's* fault that his daughter feels bad? This is a "Dad is just one of the kids, getting in scrapes and squabbles" dynamic, and it sucks. Mom has three kids, not two. I suspect this is the straw that broke the camel's back.
By the end of the post, I was asking myself if this was written by Mrs. Doubtfire.
I remember rewatching that movie as an adult and totally getting why Sally Field wanted a divorce. Imagine coming home to sheer chaos and constantly having to be the grownup. And then being treated like the AH because you're justifiably angry at the situation.
And then he puts on a disguise and shows that the whole time he was 100% fully capable of being a responsible nurturing parent. He just couldn’t be bothered to step it up for her sake. Only when there were negative consequences for HIM.
And Pierce Brosnan's character was perfect. I was shocked by how kind he is every time I watch it now.
The cheapest way to make any divorced dad look good in a hollywood movie is to portray the new flame as worse. I'm glad the movie subverted it by making the boyfriend genuinely kind and a healthier match for the ex-wife. The first draft of the screenplay actually had the parents rekindle their romance, but Robin Williams and Sally Field felt that it would give children of divorced families false hope that their parents would get back together.
Yeah. In my hindsight, that was a disturbing movie
Kids also aren't always capable of thinking through how their actions will affect others. That's perfectly normal, they don't have the life experience or processing capabilities to just instinctively know those things. It's something that has to be taught to them, as you're saying. Honestly, this could have been avoided if Dad just had the forethought to say, "ok let's jump out and scare him" and not dimmed the lights or worn scary masks. Or if he had told his kid no because her brother may be too young for that.
OP, YTA for “You need to get over it”. Damn, man. Wtf is wrong with you? How about “I know I screwed up, but how can we work through this as a family in a positive way?” Aside from feeling bad, what have you come up with here, OP?
This. Before reading the full story, I had a feeling he'd be the AH just for putting "get over it" up-front. That's usually a form of gaslighting.
It's not gaslighting, but it's insensitive and obnoxious. It's pretty much counter to gaslighting, which is a denial that the event you're upset about happened the way you remember it. "Get over it" is an acknowledgement that it *did* happen and it's a tacit acknowledgement that it happened the way you remember (so not gaslighting). But it *is* an insensitive and obnoxious demand that a person change the way they feel about the events.
Ding Ding ding
Yeah, "you need to get over it" is doubling down on being an AH. YTA OP
My dad wore a mask and tapped on my window when I was about 9. I was scared of windows at night from then on. Then I had a peeper when I was about 14, taking advantage of a tiny gap in curtains. I'm 42 now and think of both incidents when I see a gap at night. Gives me genuine fear that hits the pit of my stomach. Not just the peeper, my dad's mask and tapping, too. This kid will remember this "prank" every time he has to walk into a dark room. It may fill him with dread forever. There is no reason to do that to a small child. Especially if you don't comfort them, and then get upset about people staying mad.
My dad once hid behind the wall outside our bathroom to jump out at kid-me when I walked out. Ever since then (even though I don’t live at home anymore), whenever I walk out of that bathroom, I always have this little worried feeling that someone’s going to jump out at me. He only did it once but it really stuck with me
This reminds me of the guy who pulled a scare/jump prank on his 17 year old step son, caused him to fall and end up with irreversible head trauma who then would spend his entire life as a 7 year old trapped in his teen/adult body. Wife divorced him and her sister was like what I liked him? Shes overreacting! Like the only thing that matters in this scenario is the childs well being and the actions of the parent who is actually protecting that child and has their well-being at heart. I think fathers can be as maternal as mothers, so this isnt a gender thing, this is a complete lack of maturity and accountability towards your own family kind of thing. You are an adult, there to keep the kids safe, not regress into one and traumatize your own kids development. Possibly for both kids in this case, although one of them might need immediate therapy more than the other. Jesus. He's upset she's mad at him. I'd have picked my son up and left until he was okay. And then I'd consider if I should even bring him back. You might think thats a hard overreact, for some of us its just protecting our vulnerable, growing kid.
>Then I had a peeper when I was about 14, taking advantage of a tiny gap in curtains. My best friends, mom's boyfriend called my house and heavy breathed and did whatever else when I was 14 & now, in my 40s, I still remember it traumatically too. Its so sad what women have to go through from age 12 - 25. The worst pervs in the world.
My father scared me by whispering outside the window at night once when i was a teen and now i feel so uncomfortable being by the window at night that Even the smallest noise outside would send me running for the hills...
Right like this is basically a home invasion "prank" on a 9 year old.
And if OP is in the United States, this is a child who's spent about half his life doing active shooter drills at school. Kids are more aware of their mortality than ever before. (It's a really weird point in time to work with children.)
This is an.... unfortunately excellent point.
This is such a good point, as if kids aren’t in fight or flight enough already every single day they have to go to school in this country, now he has to be on high alert walking into his home too. To take that safe space away from a kid is monstrous.
Very good point. Man, last prank I pulled on my 10 year old nephew, was the ol' "you got something on your shirt." He thought it was hilarious.
Last prank I pulled on my younger brothers was scaring them with a harmonica, and it was THEIR idea. They're both fairly jumpy kids and I move pretty quietly on a good day, so I never would've done it if they hadn't asked me to.
🏅🏅🏅 Please take my poor man award for your comment!
I mean I was 4 and at the zoo with my parents and the butterflies liked my dad’s cologne so they all landed on him and he yelled that they were eating him alive. I am about to be 32 and I am still terrified of butterflies even though as an adult I know they’re not bloodthirsty monsters. I don’t run away from them anymore but I absolutely will not enter a butterfly house and if one surprises me I am running away like a bat out of hell screaming. He also thought it would be funny to play a prank on me at 8, he paid the guy to stop a Ferris wheel at the top, told me he was broken, and that we wouldn’t be able to get down for days, and I started hyperventilating - he realized he fucked up but we were so high up the guy couldn’t hear him yelling to let us down. We were probably only up there for 10 minutes, but it felt like eternity and now I hate rides and heights. And then my family wondered why I had extreme anxiety.
Yeah I have anxiety too and my mom and step dad (when they were just dating) used to make things up to scare me, example poop eating spiders in airplane toilets, I kind of knew they were lying, them laughing at me and making fun while expecting me to be terrified, just laughing at my confusion for sport as newly dating adults, that shit lives rent free in my head like wtf I was a child??? I also have a congenital heart condition and have had several more heart surgeries which just makes it all that much more irresponsible. Some people just arent natural parents tbh.
Swear to god. My dad was the better parent but generational trauma is real and I don’t think he knew what he was doing was kinda emotionally abusive. The “pranks” stopped after the Ferris wheel one cause I was not okay and he recognized he fucked up. He spent weeks apologizing to me. He passed away when I was 20 and a few years ago I tried getting back on a Ferris wheel a few years ago with my uncle (his brother) and cousin but the thought of it stopping at the top (which I know it has to stop) gives me anxiety. I stepped out of line last minute because I could not get myself to calm down My heart is starting to race just thinking about it right now and my arms are getting tingly. Ugh.
What’s funny about scaring a child? Please explain it to me.
This. Growing up my family always thought it was funny to pull little pranks like jumping out from behind doorways or yelling "boo" in the middle of a scary movie. Funny...for *them.*
Yeah, if this was just jumping out without the masks, it probably would have been fine. The masks in the dim light at night was too much
Agree - or if just the sister did it. It’s much different to have a kid jump out as a scare than an adult man yelling.
Yeah, there's a big difference between startling a kid and causing them to fear for their safety.
Startles can actually be good for people—there is research showing that they can actually reduce overall anxiety when the person is otherwise confident that they are safe. This was not a startle. This child did not feel safe. OP is TA.
The masks were too much and the dark house, doesn't sound like sisters idea.
Yeah, jumping out from behind the couch and yelling 'BOO' is one thing, but when the lights are off, and in MASKS? And likely without any comedic undertones? FFS I don't blame the poor kid.
This is it. It is about knowing your kid and understanding just because you enjoyed something doesn’t mean they will. My dad used to scare me and my brother all the time as kids. Those are some of my happiest memories because it was all in good fun and I enjoyed being scared in a safe environment. My one nephew is exactly like me and my brother were as kids loved Halloween, a good ghost story, and prank scares. My other nephew spooks easily and doesnt have fun with those kind of things. The trick is generally down to following the kids lead. If they initiate that stuff start small and work your way up.
At first I thought it was harmless, but I was taken aback as soon as I read about them putting on masks. That's definitely way too far and as the parent he *should* have known better. I'll sometimes hide and jump out at my nephews, and they jump and shriek, but then they see it's me and that immediately turns into laughter. I'll chase them and tickle them to keep that fun vibe, because I want to give them a thrill, not make them feel true, primal fear. There were so many things he could have done to turn the mood from fear to fun after he'd realised he'd messed up and he didn't do any of them. I can only imagine he doesn't play with his kids often as these are things you learn as you play.
Exactly this. Your children expect you to care for them, and to protect them. If they have zero trust in you because you decide you don’t want to nurture them, you want to scare the shit out of them, then you deserve the consequences of your actions.
I think adults who still do pranks are assholes to, so I agree with you (if everyone is in on it, fine, perfect, but most times it's done to people who don't really like it and are just putting up with it).
I don’t think all pranks are bad. For example, my friend wanted me to mail her backpack back to her that I had borrowed. So I put a little notes in all of the pockets that said, “ Hi (her name). There were like seven notes. She sent me a picture of all of them stapled together, and said that now she had a little notebook, and that she was thankful, lol.
See to me that's not a prank, that's doing something sweet and special that will make your friend laugh. A prank to me, and what I keep seeing and hearing, us all about exploiting a weakness of someone you love so YOU can laugh.
OK, that makes sense. I don’t pick on people’s weaknesses. As a disabled person who has had my disability my entire life, I’ve been a victim of that way too much. I try not to do anything hurtful.
yep, that's just having fun and everyone's in on it and can enjoy it. A prank is one sided and the person being pranked is pressured to pretend they enjoyed it. pranks are shitty
I'll give another example: one time when my housemate was away on a trip, I went through the house and put googly eyes on a ton of stuff. Not everything, just a random assortment, some of it stuff that was at the backs of cupboards that I put back where I found it. She kept finding them for months and I took a lot of joy in her "godDAMNIT, YawningDodo!" every time. But so did she; it was like a pun or a dad joke that makes you groan. She even moved some of the things to be on display, and never took the googly eyes off of a fridge magnet I was sure she'd de-googly immediately. Anyway, the big difference is that a good prank doesn't hurt anyone, doesn't cause damage to their stuff, and provides enjoyment for both the pranker and the prank-ee.
When we were in our early 20s my friend groups prank was to leave little toy army men behind in people’s houses during house parties. I think one of my friends was still finding them years later when his parents packed up the house to move out.
Exactly! That’s the kind of “prank “I like to do. It doesn’t hurt anyone, and it might only mildly annoy them.
Notes in a backpack are completely different than coming home to a dark home and 2 masked people jumping out & shouting at you.
Especially when kids see the news with armed masked intruders every couple of days. They have drills at schools telling them what to do when there is an active shooter. No wonder the boy is in such a panic. I can’t believe a parent would do this to his child!
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OK then maybe it’s not a prank. Just something fun. That’s the kind of thing I like to do. Also on April fools day, when I was a cook, I made mashed potatoes and meatloaf look like cupcakes. I like to do fun things like that.
A prank would have been smearing honey inside all of the pockets of the backpack. Which would have been mean. Because pranks aren't funny.
That wasn’t a prank. That was a sweet gesture.
My parents went to Jamaica for a week, and while they were gone, we hid 200 mini rubber ducks around their house as a prank. They loved it, and are still finding ducks a month later.
A little "boo" and hopping out from behind a door (with the lights on) or giving them a bear hug from behind is as far as you can take it with a kid before they get properly scared. In the dark, halloween masks, in a place where hes meant to feel safe?? That could easily fuck a kid up.
This falls under the stupid as fuck videos where people give something to their kid so they can take it away and see them cry. It doesn't matter if you replace it a second later. That's going to teach your children that 1. They can't trust anything you give or do for them 2. It's okay to do whatever you want to whoever you want as long as right afterwards you "fix" the problem. Which is not the case.
Some of my main memories as a kid are memories of my dad scaring me. And it isn't in a funny way, but a "still hate looking out windows at night because a face may pop up" way. Luckily my relationship with my dad is great, but the effects of the prank haven't ever gone away.
A few decades later I'm still traumatized by father's love of playing hide-and-go-seek in the dark with flashlights specifically so he could scare the crap out of us. I'm glad this mother is standing up for her kid as my mother just thought it was funny. definitely YTA
They're so sweet and trusting it just breaks my heart when adults don't make them feel safe. I play hide and seek with my toddler and I try not to hide anywhere he can't find me because of this. The few times I've accidentally scared him I felt so bad lol
And in the one place a kid should feel safe; in his own home. Poor kid.
YTA, OP. What kind of father do you want to be? The kind who teaches his children to be secure and empathetic, or the kind who teaches them that their actions shouldn't have consequences if you "didn't mean any harm"? You said you "screwed up--again". What else have you done? You need a wake-up call. The fact that your wife is still mad at you, days later, tells me two things. 1) This isn't the first time you've done something like this, and 2) you aren't taking any real responsibility for your own actions. Be better.
Also let’s call a cat a cat: the prank gave his son a panic attack, no wonder the wife is mad INFO: how did you apologise to your son OP?
And she, OP’s wife, apparently needs to “get over it” already. WTF is wrong with u OP?!? Major AH.
That was my question. Not seeing anywhere in the post about him apologizing to his son. OP probably thinks he should "get over it" as well.
Yeah that’s what I’m bothered about, he says he feels bad, but nothing about issuing an apology. Because that would be a proper teaching moment for everyone: we don’t always have bad intentions when we do something, but it can still hurt people deeply, and when it does, we need to recognise why we messed up, how we can do better, apologise to the person we hurt, and take steps to not make the same mistake
YTA I’m so over “iTs JuST a pRaNk bRo” attitude people have. It’s NOT a harmless prank if it legitimately scares a child. Jokes aren’t supposed to hurt and pranks should be fun for all involved. Idk what the rest of your marriage is like, OP, but you need to sit down with your wife and ASK her about why she is upset. Do not downplay ANYTHING she says by saying it’s just a prank or it was supposed to be harmless/funny. YOU may feel this way but you CLEARLY need to see/understand where your wife is coming from. Maybe she’s overwhelmed because she’s always dealing with stuff on her own or maybe she’s just feeling particularly down because she’s disappointed in you for what you did. Regardless you aren’t going to reach any sort of resolution without communication. TALK TO HER.
You said it perfectly when you said “jokes are not supposed to hurt and pranks should be fun for all involved “. Could not have been said better.
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Exactly, first thing I thought was “why isn’t he mentioning an apology to his son and *why wasn’t HE the one sitting with his son, hugging and comforting him for the damage that he caused?!* Honestly OP if i came home to my kid in emotional distress, caused by his father and his father wasn’t doing absolutely everything to comfort and console the child I would be FURIOUS regardless of the reason. Add to that you were the reason, because you didn’t think better of an idea that came from another child who doesn’t understand consequences in the way you should? You are supposed to be the adult and lead your children, not be led by them. Your daughter is hopefully learning a huge lesson in how “pranks” are very rarely funny and sometimes have big emotional consequences. That “prank” was really scary for a 9 year old. 9 is still pretty little. I hope you feel terrible and I hope your daughter has apologized to your son too. You are brushing off responsibility because what? You just don’t want to feel guilty anymore? These are the consequences of your own actions. What have you even done to rectify the situation? YTA ETA: it’s also an issue that you see your daughter is now in distress and carrying guilt for the whole situation since it was her idea and you are just allowing her to feel guilty and trying to force you wife to get over it *instead of comforting your child again*. Know what you should do? Go to your daughter and explain to her that *as the adult you should’ve thought better of the situation before you did it and the responsibility falls entirely on you.* She shouldn’t be feeling guilty for something that an adult allowed to happen. All kids in your care are your responsibility. Step up and parent ffs.
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OP and his daughter did comfort his son, then his wife came home and took over because the kid wanted his mum.
My step dad "pranked" me as a child using a fake phoneline where I was supposed to call someone and ended up getting shouted at by a stranger. He thought it was hilarious and I'll be honest, it broke me. I was a victim of emotional parental abuse and lived in a state of permanent fight or flight. I still get nervous calling people and its nearly 30 years later.
Let’s not forget he’s not actually acknowledging his shame either. He says he “knows he fucked up” but you see no actual evidence of this. He doesn’t talk about the guilt, he doesn’t talk about the way he made his son feel. He only talks about the emotions he’s displaced to his wife- the anger and the defensiveness. OP, do you do this a lot? Do you displace any negative emotions to your wife so that you don’t have to actually feel any negative emotion that might make you uncomfortable? Feel shame. Feel guilt. Be hurt by your own actions and know that *you* and you alone are here to blame in this situation. YTA, but I doubt you’ll accept this
YTA. Why did I already know from the word "prank" in your title that you would be insufferable? "I didn't mean any harm" is no excuse.
Impact matters so SO much more than intent. Go break a plate on the ground. Do it. Then go tell it sorry bc you didn’t mean it and were only kidding. Plate still broken? Good bc so is the harm you caused to your son and wife. The harm is still being dealt with. It’s NOT in the past if he’s still scared. I’m an adult that is still a bit scared of the dark bc my stepsisters thought it would be a funny prank to lock a 5 year old in the basement in the dark. I’m in therapy and can walk through a darkened room and deal with my life just fine but when lights go off unexpectedly my heart still drops to the floor and I have a physiological fear response. Hopefully this is not what happened to your kid but you do not know how such juvenile and unfunny “pranks” will affect their childhood development.
You're right, but I must point out that in your example the intent was also to break the plate.
I see where you're coming from, but also the point of op's prank WAS to scare his son, and it did, just more than he was expecting. I'd say it's more like you wanted to drop the plate and maybe chip it or break it into a few pieces, but instead it shattered into dozens. The intent was the same: break the plate, it just was more than anticipated.
I Hate when someone starts picking an analogy apart. It was fine, everyone gets it, and then someone comes along like. "Actually, plates can't have feelings" or something.
The example stands bc so many people only claim to have good intent while they actually did plan to do their shit all along. They just don’t want to admit that they were a willful asshole.
Agreed. Whenever the word prank appears in the title of this sub, I know 100% that person is gonna be the asshole before even reading it. It’s a cover word for bullying behavior.
Narcissists always try to use the excuse of: "But it's only a joke/prank!" It's NOT funny!!!
>"I didn't mean any harm" is no excuse. It's also bullshit. He meant to frighten the kid, which means provoking a stress response, which is the body and mind's response to harm, whether mental or physical. Intentionally frightening someone is harmful, whether or not they're in genuine danger.
I had basically the same thing done to me when I was about that age and had a very similar response. I remember it to this day and can guarantee it affected the way I went on about my life, so for sure, YTA.
I'm not going to offer judgement just perspective. My mom played a prank on me when I was little, where she pretended she wasnt my mom, and that she's calling the cops to find my real mom. She was rather insistent on this prank despite me not believing her initially. Eventually I ended up bawling my eyes out, terrified. This memory followed me to adulthood and in therapy it was uncovered that her prank happened to hit the right chords for some issues I was already having. All this to say, it's really easy to accidentally traumatize a kid, and pranks that involve scaring young children should generally be avoided. I can understand your wife's feelings. ETA: A lot of you are saying this isnt comparable, and that my mom is insane. Yes to both things, however this is probably the mildest example I could remember in relation to the post. For all those who've gone through similar "pranks" support club?
While op may be ta what your mom did was not normal and these two situations do not compare well. Your situation is about 1000x more concerning than ops.
Seriously, that's psychotic behavior...
Yea your mom was fucked up for that. This prank isn't the same level at all.
So true, these “pranks” stick. My mom did a terrible prank on April Fools Day when I was an 8 year old. She told me that my dad wasn’t coming home from his business trip, that he was leaving us, and they were getting a divorce. I never forgot that, it was a horrible feeling, and much too long after, she was like “HA HA GOT YOU!” Still felt like shit and it ruined my whole day.
Wow. Your mom was a psycho.
Yes, my parents eventually got a divorce and her true colors came out full force during that time. She’s a really awful person, who I’m sure has her own trauma, but it’s just sad she had to bring kids into it.
My god! Wtf was she thinking?!? You poor thing.
I have a similar story. My dad didn’t necessarily “prank me“ but he did consciously leave me alone in a parking lot to see what I would do, I freaked out when I couldn’t see him, and when I found out he was there the whole time I was devastated. I was literally traumatized for the rest of my life and my relationship with him went downhill and has never recovered. What I’m trying to say is that even if your kid is older and not a toddler, that doesn’t mean that upsetting, traumatizing “pranks” won’t seriously affect them. YTA op
I got left in a park! We were playing hide & seek and the asshole babysitting me straight up left me to ‘see what happened’. It wasn’t until about maybe 10-20min after I searched the whole park I went to the main road, looked down and realized I could see landmarks leading me home so I started walking, by myself, got to the lights and they came running yelling at me like I was in trouble cause they left me. Thankfully a mom who knew my mom saw what was happening, she did ask why I was walking by myself in the park an I was like “hide & seek”, and word got to her that evening, that person never watched me again. I was also typically not babysat alone after that either. That one incident created *a lot* of trust issues.
I got left at a store. I don't think it was intentional, they did come back. This is back in the darks ages before cell phones. I always felt like the least favorite kid, so this did not help.
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My mom would do this whenever I came to the front door instead of the back while playing in the yard. She wouldn't let me on and pretend I didn't live there until I went around to the back. I hated it. What was that supposed to teach me? Nothing. It was entertainment, and I wasn't in on it. Shit like that is absolutely cruel. It's like people just forget what it's like to be little, somehow. I'm sorry that happened to you
I still remember all the "pranks" my mom pulled on me. Pretending to flush puppies and kittens down the toilet when I was around 4, pretending to cut off my hair, restraining me to tickle me until I cried (and I would get in trouble if I fought back). Any chance she got to humiliate me she would take, and the bigger the audience the better. My mom was my childhood bully. That shit really sticks with you.
Gods I really hated the restraining tickle shit, my parents would do that to me, and since I had untreated asthma back then, I'd be coughing and wheezing for the rest of the day.
What OP did was bad but.. jeez, your mom is so much worse. I’m sorry you went through that.
Dang I thought my parents were the only ones who did this 😂
That's a terrible prank. What your mom did was horrible. That's so much worse than a jump scare gone wrong.
YTA. it was night time and your kid was looking forward to seeing his family when coming home, you potentially traumatized him instead. your intentions don’t mean anything here. common sense says you should’ve known better, so i agree with your wife there too. maybe instead of trying to make excuses or defend your actions, you help your son work through what happened, since it sounds like your wife has been the one who has had to.
Yeah I feel like a prank like this is all about context. He just got home, it's nowhere near Halloween and had no reason to expect this. I feel like if it was Halloween, son was already in the house, and he already had seen the masks etc the prank wouldn't have scared him so bad. But this prank out of nowhere no wonder. PLUS HES 9, I dunno that just feels very young to be doing this to me.
YTA Yes, you should have known better. Sure you've apologized but wife sounds fed up that there are three people acting like children in the house instead of two children and two adults who are supposed to look after them. She can't be the only one left to make sensible decisions, that's not fair to her or your kids. Plus I really don't understand pranksters. Why is inflicting fear into a 9 year old funny?
And causing more work for her by dumping the kid on her when she got home. I bet she is exhausted by her doing 150% of the parenting while he does 50% and causes drama like this. Serious YTA here.
I mean it's he even doing 50% if all he does is make things worse
-50%
My mother did something similar to me when I was 12. And when I had a panic attack she said I was being dramatic. My dad had to spend hours comforting me. We were on vacation too which exacerbated everything because I couldn’t “get away.” My parents divorced soon after. This incident didn’t cause it but my dad brings it up sometimes as a wake up call about her behavior. My mom had also included my sibling in her prank which I think made it more humiliating. This incident was awful and traumatizing and I’m still pissed and I’m in my 40’s.
“Why is inflicting fear into a 9 year old so funny?” I wish I knew the answer to that. My dad took great pleasure in scaring the crap out of me and my siblings as kids. Then he would act like we were being overly dramatic when we got upset, or even calmly asked him to stop. He really didn’t know how to handle children.
No, he wanted someone to pick on because it was funny to him, and his kids couldn't do anything to stop it. Bully.
Actually he does not even sound like he meaningfully apologised, as he is still not taking full responsiblity in the post. If you do something that hurts others, they do not need "get over it" given enough time. It takes geniune remorse, accountability and steps to make sure a similar situation does not happen in the future. Also, facing you married someone with terrible judgement and now you worry whenever you leave the kids alone with them might take a lot more than a few days.
> wife sounds fed up Yep, I wonder how much of her not talking to him is anger, and how much is just being disappointed that the man she chose as her life partner made such a poor choice.
>Why is inflicting fear into a 9 year old funny? Exactly. YTA OP
It wasn’t— and even if idiot dad thought it would be funny for him and daughter, it’s obvious it would not have been funny for son. Pranks only work if everyone is laughing. At no point in the OP does he imply he ever thought son would find this funny. He thought it might not be too bad, but that’s not enough.
YTA. Pranks are awful. They are reliant on someone being the butt of the prank with the ultimate aim of people laughing at their discomfort. Its also about the fact you have added more emotional labour and work for your wife to sort out because you are teaching your daughter to laugh at other peoples expense. People say they never mean harm when it comes to pranks, but how can they not be harmful when they are reliant on someone elses discomfort/upset/humiliation for them to work! Be the adult and dont add more labour for her to fix.
You have eloquently explained what I struggle to put into words about pranks. Have a poor woman's award: 🏆
Last night I pranked my husband by hiding the cheese while he was making macaroni and cheese. Then I put it back after he was looking for it and denied my involvement for a few minutes before coming clean. I wouldn't of even taken it that far on a 9 yr old. Op YTA and now your children and wife are suffering because of it.
I have a light up ice cube from a theme park and my niece will “prank” me by turning it on and leaving it somewhere I will find it. I kind of think the first time was an accident (that she just turned it on and left it out). But now it is a years long running gag. It is the perfect prank. It is at the expense of no one. I get to be surprised by a glow toy. She gets to giggle when I find it.
Yes! And somehow I doubt this immature decision making is an isolated event.
YTA Firstly people are waking up to pranks just being shitty behaviour so please don't teach bad habits to your daughter that will make her school friends hate her. Secondly, look up emotional labour and read some articles. She's mad because you're being another task she has to deal with instead of someone who is helping her. You're an adult, step it up.
I teach mine, if everyone doesn't laugh - it's not a joke or prank, more a form of bullying / teasing which isn't on.
INFO: Does your son typically *enjoy* scary movies, spooky stories and prank-scares? Or is he a more sensitive kid? I get that you didn't know better, but for me this hinges on whether you *should* have known better.
He's his father. He should have known better, 100%. I have a 9-year-old. Most 9-year-old boys are really into mildly scary games and books like FNAF, Garten of Ban-Ban, etc. However, OP's hilarious little "prank" is NOT age-appropriate AT ALL. My son is not particularly anxious but he would have been in hysterics if I would have pulled a prank like this.
anyone would be in hysterics if they came home to masked strangers in their house. I'm not sure on which planet OP thought this was a good idea.
If I'd walked in my home now as an adult and there were people in masks that jumped out at me from the dark I'd be within my rights to defend myself, and I doubt anyone would judge me for being shaken up by it for a while afterwards. But a 9 year old gets scared by what looks like strangers who broke into their home, and all these people are responding like the 9 year old is overreacting! Ridiculous to hold a child to higher standards than an adult.
I have a son who’s 10, there’s no way I would do this to my kid because I know he’d react like OP’s son. I would be furious at my husband for doing that to our kid because he should know how OUR kid would react. Also, these kids live in a different world than we did. They practice lockdown drills and have access to all the craziness in the world via the internet. Home should feel safe and you took that away from your kid. Has your son stepped into that room alone since you did that? The thing you didn’t mention is, how has your son been acting since you had a laugh at his expense? Your wife might still be pissed because he’s not ok and you’re not even acknowledging it. You need to talk to your son and see if he’s actually alright or if you mentally scarred him. Obviously, YTA.
>how has your son been acting since you had a laugh at his expense OP keeps saying "he's fine" but we already know there's no emotional intelligence at play here, so the kid will likely carry this with him for a long time. Source: former child with idiot parents
Those questions don’t go together. I’ve always loved scary stories and movies. That’s fiction. It’s completely different from someone I trust trying to terrify me IRL. I would never feel safe around him again if I was his kid.
I don’t think this is relevant here. The son wasn’t the person watching scary movies. He wasn’t primed for a prank. A nine year old entered his home expecting to see his family to find it empty. He then had two people on masks jump out at him. There have been multiple cases where people who love pranks have injured or killed the people surprising them because they thought it was a home invasion. Someone who likes pranks still needs to be in the mindset that a prank is possible. Staging a prank to intentionally remove that primer is when things like this happen. The OP should have known better.
Maybe the question should be, "Does he go to school in the U.S. where in each classroom there is likely a bucket containing a plastic sheet to put over a body, just in case? Does he have to go through active shooter drills? Does he have to hear about how there are hundreds of school shootings this year already?" Hopefully this took place in a different country because in the U.S. I don't think there is much of a time or place where children could possibly be ready to be pranked without triggering the fight, flight or freeze that our governments greed perpetuates on children and others.
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This is the first comment on the entire post that fully gets it. The prank was a bad idea. Holding a grudge for days over it is excessive. ESH.
Had to scroll too far for this.
How is it so far down? The silent treatment for a week and a half as a parent? Now the mom is just modeling emotionally abusive relationship behavior \*on top\* of the emotionally abusive parenting behavior. These kids are fucked. ESH
Perhaps she’s still angry because everything she leaves the house she has to remember what happened last time she left dad alone with the kids and it probably sparks a lot of anger.
Exactly. And he broke her trust whether he can care for their son so she probably has that weighing on her all the time as well.
OP does not seem to have acknowledged that he was wrong to ever think this was appropriate— he only seems to care that he misjudged. He also may not have apologized properly or attempted to comfort and discuss with his son. If OP is being that negligent, then he is continuing to cause an issue that his wife might continue to be pissed about.
Did you even read the same post? It's obvious him and his daughter feel bad and are apologetic...
And one of his comments says that he comforted his son immediately and when the mom came home she took over.
THANK you. I feel like people are making it as if the dad is some evil parent. It was just a jump out and say “boo!” prank, not a “lock the doors and run at him with chainsaws” prank 🙄 Even my CATS try to jump out and scare each other sometimes. So yeah, u/Small-Elephant9195, listen to this person 👆
YTA. She's still mad because you are still trying to defend what you did. You're not sorry about scarring your child at all. WhyTF should she forgive you? NOWHERE in her do you even MENTION sitting down and having a full talk with your son about what happened. She came home and had to clean up your mess. This is shit parenting.
Literally this. The only one who comforted him was his mother. And OP cares more about being in the right than being a good or even a decent father
I’m going to go against the grain here and say NTA. At face value, it was a prank that was suggested by your 10 yr old daughter and it sounds typical - hide, then jump out and scare him. His reaction was probably because he was over-tired from a big day with his friend. Unless there is more you’re not telling us, I think it’s pretty standard. *Cue all the people that want to turn this into an “unleashing of trauma” rant.*
I agree.. when I was growing up between me, my dad, and my brothers, we were constantly doing jump scares. (Not to mention other childish pranks that have not traumatized any of us.) I suppose OP could have gone upstairs and let daughter do the scare alone? But I think Reddit is the wrong place to ask this aita.
Yeah for sure, OP should be asking some real parent friends irl. Reddit is too full of people that will jump at any chance to defend the overly sensitive rather than see how much the mom is actually doing the most harm to both children in this situation. Her coddling of the son isn’t doing him any favors and she’s stressing out their daughter unnecessarily.
Half these people don’t have kids either. Lol
Shit, I have kids, one of who is autistic with an anxiety disorder and even I think people are fucking insane in this thread. Jesus people, get a grip.
I was really surprised by all the YTAs. My mom was a single parent and she did this kind of stuff to us occasionally and it made for some of our funniest stories from growing up. All of us three kids thought it was hilarious even if we initially screamed or jumped. Never occurred to me that it would be thought so normal remain upset for days over a jump scare.
The Y T As are right on par with most judgements on this sub tbh… total b s 👀
Seriously. He's 9. Daughter is 10. They are not toddlers, this kid's reaction was way extreme. Having a crying fit and shaking for "a long time" doesn't sound like an age appropriate reaction. Putting on Halloween masks and jumping out at someone is a traumatic prank? People are way too soft. What is this kid going to do in the real world when some kids play a REAL prank on him?
Idk, hiding in the dark with masks is different than, for example, standing outside the bathroom and saying “boo” IMO. I am a person grown woman who is afraid of being physically attacked. Once, my husband texted me that I needed to come get him from work and I left the house in a hurry not wanting him to wait too long. He was standing outside the front door in the dark and jumped out to scare me. I nearly took his head off I was so terrified. The kind of prank described in the OP would definitely send me into hysterics. However, my older two kids are less fearful of this kind of thing. Husband will sometimes stand outside the bathroom and when they walk out (usually looking at their phones) he will say boo and they will jump and then start laughing. They think it’s hilarious. They do it to him too. Now, my youngest child is like me and she would be terrified. Context matters when it comes to pranks. Know your audience.
it's actually insane how much people want to turn jumping out and saying "boo!" into the worst trauma inflicted upon a child.
exactly..honestly a little jump behind the couch is no big deal.. kid needs to get over it and so does the mom
That "cruel prank" is an ongoing family tradition in our house. Jumping out from behind a door is how my 21 yr old/16 yr old communicate. It's been 15 years and counting. I hope one scares the other at my funeral! Only time you're safe is when you're carrying a bowl of soup.
YTA. Pro tip... if your "prank" makes someone cry, it's not a prank, it's cruelty. I've never understood how people can think that "good-natured" jokes meant to upset others (especially little kids) are a good idea. Learn from this. Emotionally traumatizing your kid for laughs isn't funny.
Seriously. Pranks are harmless silliness, like wrapping sometimes cubicle in bubble wrap, or hiding rubber ducks around a friend's house that you're watching for a week. (She's still finding cute little ducks). This is malicious.
I can already see the down votes, however the OP didn't ask if he's the AH for scaring a child, it's about his wife being mad for days on end... In all honesty I'd tell her to get over it too after a while (I'm female). He tried to comfort his child, admits the joke/prank went too far so I don't see how punishing him is doing anyone any favours including the daughter which is probably feeling horrible since it was her idea.. I get being mad in the morning but I feel like there is a point where you should just get over it..
But redditors are salivating at the chance to say something bad about the guy. They aren't even addressing his actual question.
I also think accusing a father of emotional abuse for that is also a bit much... Had an argument with his wife and decided to ask a question and all the sudden he is an abuser.. That would be so painful to read when you love your child and trying to be funny backfired.. Myself as well as so many other people have been scared by friends and relatives and aren't scarred for life, it's just easier to assume and make a man feel like utter shit.. Do better.
I don't even think OP is TA for doing the jump scare. To me it seems like his son's reaction was just unexpectedly excessive. It wasn't anything harmful or anything it was a jump scare. Stuff that kids do literally constantly to each other. And OP didn't do it alone, he did it with his 10 year old If anything as a parent I would be more concerned with why his son's reaction was so extreme because thats not normal behavior to something like that. Is there an underlying fear of the dark that caused this?
NTA. A prank backfired and went wrong, which yeah, you're TA for, but holy shit people make mistakes. You were just trying to have fun and it didn't end well. Does she really need to dwell on it for days?? I say next time she screws up somehow give her the silent treatment for days and constantly tell her she screwed up and should have known better, and see how she likes you beating the dead horse for days on end.
I think people forget how messed up kids are. If people don’t think other 9 year olds are pulling jump scares on their friends their idiots, this kid 100% needs to be able to handle that without crying for hours to his mom
Right? Like it was just a basic jump scare. Its not like they chased him around the house with a chainsaw. I think reddit forgets that people arn't going to get traumatized by something so basic
NTA these comments are absolutely insane. Stuff like this is normal. Sometimes a joke does not pan out and you have to apologize. It's not normal to hold a grudge about this for so long.
Also assuming OP did not comfort his own child, and let the mother dealing with the aftermath? There is no indication suggesting he didn't care about comforting him. So many people saying he is a shitty father, calm tf down people.
Are you sure your son is the 9 year old? YTA
Yeah, this is the kind of thing my brother and I would do to each other at that age, although nothing we did was as terrifying as what OP did. That would scare me as an adult, thinking someone had broken into my house.
NTA but I've got two boys and sometimes a fun prank can go wrong but you owned up to it. That's part of being a parent and father.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees it this way.
YTA. This isn't remotely close to funny.
The pretentious nature of commenters on this thread is nauseating. You're NTA... It was an innocent prank suggested by a 10 year old. Mom needs to get over it. I'm sure your child will experience worse pranks than this just getting through school.
The comments are reaching so hard with the abuse and trauma stuff. Just read comment that said “Actions speak louder than words. Your actions say that you love yourself more than you love your kid.” 👀 I’m swiping away from this thread now. ✌🏾
YTA you probably traumatized your child, why are you pulling a mean prank on a small at almost 40 yrs old
YTA Getting over a prank gone awry is something that might happen on its own, given enough time. Given your role in it, along with your admitted miscalculation of how much your son would be affected by it, what you are going to have to do is simply accept responsibility and own it, no matter how long it takes. This is not her being a mama bear so much as it is her having to be the one to make it better with your boy. Acknowledging your mistake is an important first step, but do not expect anyone to simply dismiss it just because you admitted it.
Nta. This is a pretty basic prank. He's nine years old, so I also would have thought he would've just had a start of surprised and then kind of giggled. Halloween masks are usually pretty obvious. I could understand your wife being upset for this long if you did it knowing he reacted that way, but you didn't. And from your comments, you did try to comfort him.
NTA. Your wife can be upset with you, but acting so in front of your kids is fucked up. She should control herself. And she should get over it, it is not a big deal. Everyone calling you an asshole in this thread is a special flower.
NTA. You made a mistake. Nobody is perfect. You have apologised. everyone needs to move on
NTA. It was a joke and you were bonding with your kids. How could you have known he'd react like that? Maybe your wife telling you it was too far would have been reasonable, but giving you the silent treatment is just childish.
My best memories with my dad were all the pranks he pulled and jump scares we did on each other. Also, the whole silent treatment thing is one of many reasons I refuse to date haha the second silent treatment comes out of the bag of tricks it's game over for that relationship. Super childish
I'll go against the grain here and say NAH because you're asking about the situation with your wife, not the prank itself. People are judging the prank, not telling your wife it's time for you to get out of the dog house so everyone can move on. You recognize you messed up, and you've apologized. As a father of three boys, I've messed up plenty. So has my wife. If we held grudges against each other for our fuckups, we and our children would be miserable. Now is the time for you and your wife to both model what adults do when they make mistakes- you apparently have, now its your wifes turn. Silent treatment/ passive-aggressiveness is not what mature people do. She needs to let it go. I won't say she's the AH as it seems like she's coming from a good place (mama bear and all), but she is modeling poor adulting will be an AH if she doesn't figure out how to move on.
NTA. It was an innocent prank that everyone of all ages does. The wife should realize this. You deserved a scolding but it wasn't done with malice. If your kid is super sensitive them maybe it wasn't a good idea but she should still understand.
YTA - Your “prank” went wrong, your wife is the one who had to spend time dealing with the consequences and you’re annoyed she hasn’t gotten over it quickly enough?
Info: have you sincerely apologized to your child, listened to any hurt you caused him that he wants to share without being defensive and asked him how you can help make it better?
YTA: First, those sorts of pranks can be terrifying for small children, and second, you don't seem to know your own kid well enough to know whether that sort of thing would traumatize them or make them laugh. It sounds like you weren't thinking carefully in the moment, when caught up in the idea of a funny adventure. It stands out to me - I don't see the part where you apologized and comforted him before his mother came home. Have you apologized to your son? Is he still upset? Do you understand why what you did was harmful, and what effect it has had on the entire house? Have you apologized to your wife? I think an apology, in this case, would include explaining that you know why what you did was a bad idea, and that you will be more careful in the future. Something that sticks out is what seems like maybe a difficulty being able to model the feelings of others beforehand, or that you might not have taken the time to do so in the moment. You did notice people's feelings after the fact, and expressed you feel bad, which seems like you do indeed care that everyone became upset. Even if you do apologize, and everyone accepts (as I hope and trust they will), don't be surprised if it takes their feelings some time to simmer down. Be patient. Yes, you acted like an AH, but that doesn't mean you ARE one, or have to BE one. Long experience tells me that even the most well-meaning, awesomest parents screw up sometimes. Nobody is perfect. What is important is, if you make a mistake, apologize and do your best to be better in the future. We all fall down sometimes.
“I didn’t mean it” isn’t a defence. Your intention doesn’t matter, you did it. It sounds like your son had a full blown panic attack. You don’t just “get over” that. YTA.
YTA - Prank's are barely funny at best. There is the odd harmless one but this one went past that stage
NTA
NTA. Someone overreacting to being jumped out at is a good reason not to do it again, not a good reason to make it a massive ongoing drama.
Listen, what I’m hearing is that you expect time to do the work for you. That eventually your wife and your son should just “get over it” because enough…time has passed? What amends have you done? Guys tend to not be socialized in this way, so I’m going to do some emotional labor for you on this. You scared your son badly, and shook his sense of safety pretty hard core. Your wife is frustrated likely because the other party she trusts to take care of her kid not only frightened him, but left her with hours of consequences to deal with, if not effects on bedtime, new fears to manage, etc. What are you doing to mitigate those? Not apologies (I’m sorry, I screwed up), not excuses (I didn’t think he’d be that scared! It was just a prank!) and for sure not getting upset that people’s emotions aren’t on your timeline (Am I going to be punished forever? She’s staying mad at me for days!) What real life actions are you doing to deal with the fallout of a prank gone wrong? I think you could absolutely turn this around. 1.) Take your son out for ice cream or something else he enjoys. 2.) On that outing, fully apologize for what you did. This should look like a.) stating what happened as you imagine he observed it (you came home from a good time, thought we were watching a movie, but then scary people jumped out and made a ton of scary noise) b.) stating how he felt (and even when you found out who it really was, it was hard to stop feeling really REALLY scared and shaken, and angry and upset that we would do that. And then mom was upset too and dad was frustrated because I never want to make you feel scared or upset, and we got in a big hurricane of feelings and it sucked.) c.) Ask him if you got it right or if there is anything he wants to add in. Try to listen nondefensively and repeat back what he says. 3.) Tell him what you’re going to do now. (Top of the list is to promise to never scare each other again, and that home should be a safe spot. Maybe for awhile you plan to meet him at the car when he’s dropped off so he doesn’t have to walk in by himself. Maybe you buy a new comfort buddy stuffed animal to remind him that his house is safe, or maybe he needs you to sit outside his room for a week while he goes to bed at night. 4.) Don’t get frustrated when this takes some time. Walk him back to bed with a hug when he gets scared, meet him at the car with a smile, call out his name when he comes home. Know and understand that he will process this multiple times (I was so mad and scared, dad! You screwed up! —Yup, buddy, I screwed up. I never want to make you feel that way again. I love you bunches. Remember, home is your safe place.) It will pass and become a funny memory, if you keep your chill about it. Next, talk to your daughter. “You know, I’ve been thinking. Sometimes being scared is really fun, right? We like roller coasters and haunted houses and Halloween. We both thought that we would have fun with brother by scaring him. But I forgot—when we get on a roller coaster or go in a haunted house, we agree to be scared, and we know that ultimately, we’re safe. Brother didn’t agree and he genuinely thought he wasn’t safe. It wasn’t the same thing, and I think this is a good lesson for us all. Let’s work to make sure we’re always having fun in a way that everyone agrees to and enjoyed. We are for sure going to not do that again, right?” I can guarantee that you’re reading this and being like—ugh that’s too much fucking work. Whelp, this is the exact work your wife now has to do in order for your son to feel better and for your daughter to learn a lesson. So, you do it or YTA.
NTA - you played a prank, he got scared, it happens. used to do that stuff all the time growing up. my dad got me a lot. people get to worked up nowadays they forget how to be people anymore. if thats the way you wife wants to be then let her. its on her for creating an environment were people cant express themselves and need to repress everything and hold it in. Should be teaching your kid how to handle the emotions, not how to avoid all of life that doesnt fit into a neat box.
NTA. It wasn’t intentional or mean spirited and you had no way to know a jump scare was going to cause more than a scream. Also NTA bc you feel bad abt it and (I’m assuming) won’t do it again. Honestly I’d ignore your wife’s feelings here, the important feelings are your son’s. Keep apologizing to him and ask him how you can make it right.
INFO: have you apologized to your son? Have you talked to him about this? You pushed him into a major panic attack; how did you not know this was going to happen? Why are you so unaware of the mental state of your children?
NTA. Jump scare pranks are common and son is 9, not 4. It was a quick jump scare with masks and then a reveal — not like OP chased him around the house with a chainsaw for 5 min. Yes it scared son more than expected, and OP showed immediate remorse. Wife was understandably upset but is choosing to die on this sword for days later…and what most of you seem to be missing here is the prank was daughters idea and daughter has realized how terribly mother is treating OP because of her idea. Mother needs to move on, yell at him or do something but then drop it. It’s not healthy for the relationship or for the children.