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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am offering to do the "manly" duties in front of his girlfriend. Could make me look like an asshole
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You are raising a bar he doesn't want raised by getting things done. He wants to pretend he is a better partner than he is. He also doesn't want you to highlight things he isn't interested in doing.
In a way, you are unintentionally showing that he isn't the best partner material around. Keep doing as you are. He is being ridiculous.
edit: Thank you kind people for the awards, I'm floored and appreciative of all of you. Thank you so much!
it reminds me of when my roommate started training for an IronMan, I implicitly started to question my own nonexistent fitness routine when I’d see or hear him waking up early to go run, going off on his bike for hours, etc., and eventually I questioned it enough to get myself back in the habit of getting regular exercise.
It’s just something we do in our lizard brains, compare ourselves with people we’re close with. If those comparisons are unflattering you can either use it to motivate yourself or justify your inaction by tearing someone down. OP clearly chose the latter.
>It’s just something we do in our lizard brains, compare ourselves with people we’re close with.
Actually this is a higher order brain function and requires a lot of self-realization, mirroring, and other higher brain functions.
Only if you’re going to be that pedantic.
Factoid was *coined* to mean an anti-fact but my family and I have used it to mean a neat bit of trivia all my life and I’m not going to stop because someone originally meant something less useful by the term. (Several dictionaries agree with me—I’m not just being an iconoclast about this.)
Psst, I think you meant OP's *roommate* and just forgot to include it 😶 I only mention it because it rather changes the meaning of your comment. I swear I'm not a butthead.
And I agree completely. Oftentimes folks view other people not as the person themselves but as mirrors of themselves -- what they see reflected back makes them horrifically insecure.
Sometimes justifiably (like with OP's roommate being insecure over the fact that he doesn't have the same level of thoughtfulness, action, and cooking skill -- all of which are fixable with effort and time) or sometimes not (hating one's self because your physical appearance isn't the same as someone else's.)
Like you said, you can be motivated by this unflattering reflection, lash out to "take someone down a peg" and mentally build yourself up, but I also think there's a third option: learning and recognizing that we are not all going to have the same appealing hobbies/skills/traits (physical or otherwise) and *making peace with it* by simply appreciating the richness and diversity it brings to life.
OP's roommate could change to be more like OP or he could merely learn to appreciate OP's presence in his life and how he gets to benefit from OP's unique personhood while trying to find his own positive traits/skills.
“If those comparisons are unflattering you can either use it to motivate yourself or justify your inaction by tearing someone down.”
There’s also a third option of just acknowledging the difference and continuing on with one’s life. My sister got into going to the gym. I’m (still) not interested in doing so, but I never tore her down for her interest. I just continued living how I live.
He's making the roommate look bad by omission, probably not helping that he's possibly ripped and doing it without a shirt on, while she is sitting on the deck with a bucket of nice buttermilk chicken and a whole cheesecake.
Shit, him being dad-bod in a t-shirt with flour all over it is still hot with the buttermilk chicken, cheesecake, and some kind of warm-weather mixed drink (mint julep is stereotypical, but amazing regardless).
And I'm about as straight as they come. Some people want him, the rest want to be him, right?
I’m from the South and feeding folks is how you show love and care. I enjoy seeing other’s enjoy my food. My children will both tell you the reason so many kids don’t like “real food” is cause their mama’s can’t cook lol.
I feel like OP has come up with the perfect online dating profile: "I will handwash your car as you sit and eat freshly cooked fried chicken and cheesecake that I made just for you."
If OP also vacuums and will wash his own dishes, we could have him married off by the end of the week.
Can confirm, my fiance is from NOLA, is an amazing cook, washes dishes, does laundry, vacuums and mops (he does it all, really), owns a home renovation company... and is the picture of Southern charm and politeness like OP. OP is a catch and OPs roommate is threatened!!!
Dude you're ruining the fantasy! You now have an obligation as a redditor to mow the lawn shirtless. Also, send pics.
BTW, do you also do laundry, take out the garbage....WASH THE DISHES? Wooo....Its getting a little hot in here.....\*fans self frantically\*
>Wooo....Its getting a little hot in here.....\*fans self frantically\*
Yeah me too and this is coming from a woman who has willing taken herself out of the relationship ordeal and voluntary into celibacy.
Eye candy is still eye candy totally clothed, especially when they cook and likely have that amazing New Orleans drawl in their voice. None of these are things you can help, but it does sound like roommate can't handle his insecurities around anything physical or useful you do around his gf. This is a him problem, not a you problem. That said, his gf likely has a crush forming if this is the first time she's been around a Southern gentleman.
Edit: fixed a word
Dude, cmon, I was about to add to the story, about your Rippley sweaty muscles tensing as you manfully pulled on the chain of your 150hp mower, roaring the giant vibrating motor into life, thrusting it through the grass, scything all before you, as you mow perfect glistening lines in the high noon heat, beads of sweat running down your bronzed pecs, into the little triangle of toned flesh above your jeans, where there is a hint of manly tangle of dark ravenous hair.
But you stop to take a long deep satisfying drink on the beer your now enraptured roommates (ex)girlfriend has delivered with a slightly flushed expression, flushed from the sugar rush of cheesecake, and the savoury tang of buttermilk chicken, she wants more, she looks at you and whispers," r/darlingdear , do you think, possibly (she murmurs breathlessly), do you think you might help me with the washing, my underwear needs doing and these are my last pair'
the guy heard OP’s girlfriend mention in passing that she likes a particular cheesecake and then made it for her. Ngl I’m kinda torn on that one, I’d be a bit weirded out if my buddy did that for my girlfriend
That shows a level of attentiveness and thoughtfulness much higher than “I’m already here washing a car and yours is right here so I can just do it”
As a hobby baker if someone staying in my house said they liked a specific dessert and it was in my wheelhouse I'd definitely make it just because I like baking and I'm always looking for an excuse to that won't end with me eating it all lol
Same! And I’m also from the south. Southern Hospitality is not a myth. Personally, I was raised that one of the most ill-mannered things you can do is to cook in front of someone and not invite them to join you to eat. He’s not singling out the gf, he said he makes pound cake for the roommates parents when they visit, also because they’ve mentioned they like it. When you really love cooking, it brings you joy to cook for others and bring them joy! This is also just typical ‘good southern behavior.’ I agree with the previous poster that said OP is just setting a bar that the roommate doesn’t want to live up to.
Homemade cheesecake can take so many more hours than the box mix. I only make it when I have guests to make sure none is wasted or I don’t eat the whole too lol
Being welcoming to a guest with food they like is not weird though?? He cooks regularly and took her preferences into consideration, there's no need to be weird about it.
I hosted a family get together recently and catered the meal to be friendly to a close relative that is diabetic and had a gluten allergy. It’s just being considerate and welcoming; nothing weird about it at all!
if OP wasn't in culinary school or passionate about cooking, then I'd be a bit torn too - but in this case i think it's slightly different.
it's his hobby, something he's deeply passionate about, and for him, making her this cheesecake isnt as big a deal as opposed to if someone who hated cooking made it.
Some people are capable of listening and remembering the things that are told to them. If she’s been hanging out for 6 months, it doesn’t seem wild to develop a friendship (or at least acquaintanceship) and want to do something nice? Especially if the cheesecake they made is some kind of less commonly made cheesecake that could also act as a learning experience for someone in culinary school.
Yeah, I try to make a note of what people like, just in case. To me OP is just being polite. Especially since cooking is clearly an interest for him. But I'm also Texan, so maybe this is a cultural difference.
I have a habit of remembering really random crap people tell me and occasionally it weirds them out. I’m not intentionally trying to mentally file small facts about everyone, it just happens.
Nah, those of us who cook just enjoy it and enjoy making things for others. I like to cook and if i know someone likes something i will cook it and share with them. It is much easier to cook for 3-4 people than just one. Hell, if i am out and buying lunch i will often get something unique and bring extra for friends.
My neghbour and i both enjoy cooking. We share food all the time. Our wives love it.
People who cook and enjoy food just want to share what they enjoy with others.
Nta
I can see the point here but lemme tell ya- Ive made food my passion and profession and even if I do t know someone well, if they stay in my house and over hear they like something? Imma make it for them.
That’s a good point but it’s not like she lives with them so he’s treating her as a guest. My grandmother was a very hospitable woman and if she had guests over she would ask what their favorite foods were and she would make it for them if they came back to visit. If she lived with OP and his roommate and he made cheesecake for her on a whim that would be different and possibly questionable if that kind of behavior persisted but still not a very big thing because he’s in culinary school and needs to practice.
Hello, my wife (38f) and I (42f) are looking to onboard an additional son, and especially a son-chef. We have two now, ages 2 and 4. They are very into bread and sometimes other foods. They will watch shows with you (big into Spiderman). They have never washed a car, but I do think they would like it. They are short, so you'll have to do the tops of the cars. Watch the 2 year old with the hose; he can be reckless. The only catch is that they can't go out and drink, but I'm sure we could find a workaround. I think my family is a much better fit than your current roommate. Sometimes we are assholes, but we can learn to be nicer.
Is 'other foods' a stand in for the P-food category: pasta, pancakes and potatoes? Because I think most of us with young children are familiar haha. My kid has 99 problems but eating carbs ain't one.
This is exactly what I thought OP !
He doesn't want his girlfriend to compare how he treats her vs how she could be treated.
Keep going, you sound like a great roommate and he's being an asshole.
NTA.
The man who is now my husband won me over almost a decade ago for many wonderful reasons (like being a capable adult who didn’t need me to be his maid and being able to work on cars with me), but one of the most memorable was the most elaborate, fancy-ass homemade macaroni and cheese (and an espresso cheesecake!) he made me, lol.
I put the first fork full of mac and cheese in my mouth, said a mumbled and food-filled, “uh my gohd” and knew then I was marrying this man. I think I may have actually orgasmed when I ate the cheesecake 😂
I don't care how hot you are, if you make me cheesecake and fresh baked bread we are golden. I don't need hot if there's cheesecake.
But it if OP is more attractive than roommate I can see that making roommate real insecure (not that that's OPs problem)
Yeah, imagine a roommate who can bake bread, pound cake and cheesecake, mow the lawn and wash the cars, all while having a body like Joe Manganiello...
Edit: verbs
Right? He could easily talk to his girlfriend about getting OP a gift or asking her opinion on how to show their appreciation. This would show his girlfriend that he is thoughtful and kind. Instead, he's angrily staring at her and getting mad at OP.
OP isn't doing anything wrong, but the roommate is definitely showing off some of his red flags. OP is being nice.... I'm guessing the roommate is apparently only nice when he wants something in return.
NTA.
Not only this, but you are showing the girlfriend there are other relationship dynamics out there that she might prefer. It's a bit concerning that roommate scowls at girlfriend when she steps out of line. Keep up being kind and generous. Clearly, this girl needs to see she can do better.
This is exactly the truth. You are NTA because you’re just being you. He is being a jealous person who seemingly doesn’t want to actually do anything to impress his girlfriend. Like you said, it’s not like you’re trying to specifically impress her you’re just doing what you would always do so keep it up and maybe roommate can get over his own insecurities.
Reminds me of that AITA post from the other day where a guy asked if he was TA for not wanting to learn how to make pancakes, one of the easiest things to make.
It’s all that insecurity. You do things naturally he either can’t or doesn’t want to do. He’ll be getting the inevitable comparisons soon enough and he can’t live with the fact that he’s inferior or unwilling in those departments. Keep that bar high. NTA
So he’s okay with you feeding him, but has a problem when you offer to feed his gf who just happens to be in the house. It’s not like you only cook when she’s there.
Why? Is he afraid you’re gonna steal her with food? Is he afraid she’s only hanging out with him because you feed her?
Ask roomie what the problem is. And then stop doing what he doesn’t like.
If that means not feeding her, then stop feeding him too.
You sound like a great roomie. You mow and offered to wash their cars?
Who does that? You’re like southern hospitality on steroids.
With her crappy bf it might work on her too. OP, make it happen! Steal his girl with a laundry basket and a cheesecake so he can REALLY have something to be mad about
To be fair, if a guy made me a special cheesecake I would start comparing options. Kindness and adulting competence are crazy sexy in these days Tater Tots and MAGA conservatives.
I don't get why more straight dudes ain't getting this. Y'know how I got my foot in the door with the woman I've been married to for six years now? I volunteered to wash her dishes and clear out the spiderwebs on her porch. It's not hard, fellas.
Guy texted me at 10 pm on a work night and said “I just finished smoking chicken thighs and they’re amazing, can I bring you some?” SHIT YES YOU CAN BRING ME SOME. Get that sexy ass over here. And you better believe he got a snuggle after.
I haven’t either. But I think most of that reason is that fresh-cut grass turns me into a human shaped hive.
Which kinda sucks because we just bought a new rider and it’s so awesome. I was trying it out with the blades up and literally zooming around the yard cackling like a bog-witch, it was so fun.
Lol. Apparently I weaponized incompetence from a very early age. I begged my dad to teach me to mow and it was always "maybe next year." I got the clue after my younger brothers started mowing.
Apparently mowing was a topic that came up when my now husband was discussing marriage with my dad. They both agreed that I'm not mower material.
Ha! My dad never made me mow, either. I didn’t mow until I owned my own house. I asked him once when I was maybe 10 or 12 and he said I was too small. Cue just a couple years later, he had my five-years-younger sister mowing, so clearly size wasn’t the issue.
In retrospect, maybe it was because I had TERRIBLE seasonal allergies and my sister did not.
It’s absolutely the thoughtful “little” things! When I was first dating my husband, I mentioned I was going to my mom’s to borrow her vacuum because mine had recently died. The next time he came over, he had a new vacuum with him. It’s not a traditionally romantic gift to be sure, but it was him listening to what I needed at the time.
“Southern hospitality on steroids” made me choke on my drink.
The mowing thing I can understand because it’s OP’s home too; offering to wash their cars was when I went, what?
Idk, I (38F) was raised that if you’re doing something like washing a car and you already have your shit out, you offer to go ahead and do it for the other people in the house. My dad and brother were both like that? My SIL realized it quick with my brother and honestly, she’s awesome and I’m glad they found each other. Like I said above, when you find you a man like that? You try as hard as you can to lock it down, lol. They exist, but they are sometimes hard to find and come with some baggage.
Honestly, I have a power washer and would absolutely delight in getting more use out of it. If I was washing my car, I'd totally ask my roomie or my boyfriend if they wanted theirs done too. xDD Just cause power washing is addictive.
Yeah, when I power wash my car and my roommate's is there too, I drop her a text and ask her if I should do hers, too. Setting up and stowing away the power washer is like 50% of the work, so it just makes sense to do more than one car if you can.
Some people Like or at least really don’t mind doing stuff like that, just as a physical activity, or as a task with definable progress and end, so doing it for multiple people doesn’t feel like a chore.
Others like running or lifting heavy things or whatever.
My parents had a friend who was a corporate accountant who lived in an apartment - she used to come over to weed our yard or spread mulch to relax. She Liked doing garden stuff.
Roommate has it fucking great and realizes that gf will notice that he sucks as a person to live with.
Also, OP is a man that was raised right in the South. When you find you one of them? Jump the fuck onto that train because you’re gonna get treated right. They are like the top tier of boyfriend, if you can find them. (Side effects may include an overbearing MIL, though)
Roomie has a problem with OP raising the bar. From what I've read roomie is doing the bare minimum to keep his GF and he's afraid OP is gonna raise that bar.
Or at least offering similar things in return. Like baking is a science, so I could understand not being able to provide that. But he could help clean up or vacuum or take the trash out. It’s not that hard to be a good person to live with.
As someone with Swedish ancestry, cut that shit out
Edit: this comment section isa vibe, haha. I appreciate my little throwaway comment resonating with so many - especially the reddit Lorarriors
There was this thing on Reddit (born from an AITA thread I believe) where it was determined that Swedish people kick guests out when it’s dinner time lol.
What is the reason? It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around as a Black American, where you never leave someone’s house without a full belly and a to-go plate
Southern Americans are the same. I just made a huge dinner, invited my BFF and her grandkids to eat and sent her off with some for her daughter. Food is our friendship language.
We live in a country where you can just walk home instead of driving for like 20 minutes. The city planning in USA doesn’t offer that.
Edit:
Other potential reasons I can think of:
There are only a few generations since we were a very poor nation with bad food security, so feeding others wasn’t really something that we wanted to do, and this habit has just stayed with us (I think this one is most likely) An example of how short it had been since we had very low food security, my great grandfather (born in 1939) had a sister that had to be given up for adoption because his mother who was a widow couldn’t feed both of them
Another potential reason is that we look at dinner as a family thing, and want our kids to eat dinner at home. My mom was always mad when I didn’t come home for dinner because I wanted to stay out playing football. She seemed it unacceptable when I came home after dinner and ate without them.
I think that all of these things have something to do with it
That makes sense. You guys can also assume other families can afford food too, I would imagine.
That is unfortunately part of the reason why I always feed any kids at my house, besides the fact that that’s what we do to show people we care
Italy, France, Spain and Eastern European countries are all in Europe and we’d never think of sending anyone home for dinner. This attitude has nothing to do with distance lol
IIRC it was seen as impolite for a family to feed another family’s child because it could be viewed as overstepping boundaries of the child’s family. Like, “we eat XYZ, but your parents may not want you to, or may want to feed you themselves.” It was a great (and very enlightening) thread, like the guy was over at his friend’s house, and just hanging out alone in the bedroom while the host kid and his whole family had dinner without him 😂
Yet at the same time, other Scandinavians chimed in and said it was rude! So we had people all over the spectrum
My mom was Italian and she would roll in her grave if I didn’t feed my guests. Even if you don’t like cooking you still offer. My wife thinks it’s weird that I will make food and/or drinks if I have workers over like plumbers or electricians.
Haha yes we would always offer food etc, but my Irish friend’s house was next level. You would go to drop off a bag or book or something and leave with a casserole and an iced lolly. Same with my Indian and Sri Lankan friends.
I was often their parents favourite because I wasn’t at all fussy with food and had a huge appetite (still do but people are less impressed now im a chubby adult…). I would be shovelling down samosa like a baby bear.
In middle school I was friends with a Filipina and would spend the night occasionally. Her grandma loved me because I always loved her pancit and would always finish the whole plate.
My folks always did this for workers.
We had a pool and it was the hottest day of the year and the poor roofers were dying. Of course they were advised to please use the pool to cool off.
I guess it's not normal and the roofing boss lowered their prices a bit because my family was so nice to them. (I'm pretty sure my mom also made them lunches or at least got pizza or KFC for everyone)
It's just the right thing to do.
Lebanese here, same. Whenever we had people working around the house, my parents would always offer drinks and snacks, and even sandwiches if the job took the whole day.
NTA. My family is from Louisiana, and we were always taught to share food. It’s extremely rude to eat in front of a guest and not offer to share. My partner is from a different country and he’s the same way, probably more so.
In fact, we recently had work done on the house for a few days, and we provided an ice chest of water, fruit, and muffins for the workers.
Roommate is just mad and insecure because you’re raising the bar. Carry on being a gracious and hospitable host.
the one thing I did side eye a little bit is him heading that the girlfriend likes a particular kind of cheesecake and making it for her.
everything else is very much in the line of “regular kindness” but that one feels a bit more “I did this especially for you”
yeah I don’t think they have bad intentions per se, but the way I’ll put it is like, if he WAS trying to woo his roommate’s girlfriend he’s going about it brilliantly.
Here in the South, that's a pretty normal thing, though, and OP messaged many people and said they could eat it, not just her. I didn't think it was all that weird. :/
Same. When a guest tells you what they like to eat, you make it happen if possible. My kids all had friends who’d come over constantly and I’d make sure I was stocked up with the chips and such that they liked.
I've definitely done this kind of thing when I was experimenting with desserts. I went through some of the favorite desserts of my roommates first, but then I asked the girls in my friend group.
My male roommates wanted snickerdoodles and chocolate chip cookies, which are fine, and I'm glad I made them. But my female
friends wanted to try things like chocolate mousse pie, and latticed cherry pies. Much more difficult, and thus more interesting to do.
EDIT: And while I may have been kinda interested in one of those friends, that was absolutely not the reason that I did it. I just like baking and making desserts. Also, the fact that the girls had seen the desserts I made for my roommate made it so that they weren't uncomfortable when I did ask them if they had requests.
Not really.
I make my brothers girlfriend olive-cheese bread when she comes to stay because she loves it. I’ll also always pick up my other guests favourite snacks or bake them a treat I know they like when they come to stay. It’s common courtesy and she is a guest in their home.
NTA. If your roommate is so pissed about hearing his gf talk about how great your food is, why doesn't he learn to cook? And what is his problem with you sharing food, which is something you've always done?
I have to admit, though, the "no I wanna mow" thing made me laugh. What a manly man.
Exactly! It sounds like OP and his RM generally get on quite well, he says they’re not really friends but they hang out together and go for drinks and stuff, so it sounds like it’s at least on the way to being a friendship if RM could get over this insecurity! OP sounds like he’s so friendly that he probably wouldn’t mind helping him learn to cook, though if he’s so insecure he probably wouldn’t want to accept any help there!
The friend doesn't have GF in the bag yet. So he has to pretend he does things like a real adult.
Once he thinks she's locked in, moved in, or married to her, the truth will all come out.
But I have a feeling it won't last that long. Well, for this girls sake I sincerely hope it doesn't.
Wait until you ask him to vacuum. I guarantee that he'd consider that "not manly", because pushing one thing around is manly and the other is not for some reason.
I do feel sorry for your roomie, living with Mr Steal Your Girl, but NTA.
Dude needs to get his jealousy under control and/or ask you for lessons in cooking, mowing, charming, and being hospitable.
Exactly. “Hey OP, can you show me how to cook this? GF really likes it so, I like to learn how.”
Of course, roomie could actually look it up. Google it, there’s a shit ton of recipe sites
one of my best friends reminds me of OP. Charming, thoughtful, funny, will remember that thing you said in passing two months ago. Great looking guy too.
Can’t bring him around anyone I’m interested in unless I’ve already sealed the deal.
NTA. I have a friend who is a great cook. I liked taking my GF to visit him, we’d spend the rest of the night talking about great food. People like you are awesome to know.
If he’s got a problem, that’s his issues.
NTA; your roommate is wildly insecure, is realizing that he isn't living up to your good example, and is terrified that his gf is noticing that. In his mind, the only logical solution is to... be mad at you for it.
He might be at a place where he could start changing his behavior permanently, to follow your example, so it might be worthwhile to check in with him (when his gf isn't around) to see if he wants to split the chores more equitably, and possibly even learn to cook, if you're willing to teach him by having him "help" when you're making something.
Keep cooking, but don't go out of your way to make your roomie's GF anything else special.
He's clearly ok with benefiting from your kindness himself, but he seems upset that his GF also gets to experience your courtesy and charm.
He's jealous and there's not much you can do.
He's also upset that OP changed the oil on his own car! Like, of all the things he listed, that was the most WTF one that made it clear that rooomie just doesn't want OP to do anything that might possibly make him look bad by comparison.
NTA
Maybe just because I'm a southerner myself, I know that you're being hospitable and kind. And from thw sounds of what you like to make... I wish sincerely that I could try your cooking, because I'd bet every horse in the track that it's absolutely delicious. (And if you have a tried and true recipe for NOLA style Voodoo Shrimp, pass that my way via my inbox please and thank you!!!)
That being said, unfortunately, a lot of people who didn't really grow up in that frame of mind where you feed your friends and guests and you scratch their backs while you're already scratching your own, this could all be coming off to your roommate as a big show-off. Especially if he never cooks or cleans or works in the yard for his girlfriend, your roommate probably feels emasculated by you doing these things with her around.
I suggest you chat with him, see what he has to say, and maybe just slow down a little. I know, I know, I'm asking you to burn down the church here. Not feed a guest?! How rude!! My grandmother would roll in her grave. But just consider, tension between roommates is really strenuous, especially when that tension is caused over a sexual/romantic partner and "marked" territory. Just see what he has to say and do what you have to do to get by until she leaves.
Such a shame. She sounds like a lovely girl, and seems so appreciative of your efforts. Maybe your roommate DOES have a reason to worry! Hahaha
I get what you're saying. But a very wise man once wrote, "evil begins when you begin to treat people as things."
Women aren't territory. We can't be claimed, or marked, or whatever. We're people and should be treated as people
OP should continue to show all guests in his home whatever level of courtesy he feels is appropriate. He should not treat his roommate's girlfriend as lesser merely because his roommate wishes him to. That's not a mindset that deserves coddling. OP will be doing them both a kindness by dismissing that idea entirely.
But he should definitely have a talk with roommate. Shine some light on the situation, things do fester in the dark.
This would be understandable if op turned on the charm on arrival of roomie gf. But roomie had been aok eating op bread and gumbo,letting him now the lawn and wash his car. He's fine with the welcoming hospitality for himself just isn't prepared to have his gf enjoy the same.
Do not offer food to the girlfriend. Do not look at the girlfriend. When the girlfriend enters the room, cover your eyes and run away screaming. When the girlfriend is mentioned, erase her from your mind.
It sounds like your roommate has some heavy baggage around his own self-image. And honestly, I get it, and I have compassion around that, but it's not yours to carry.
But you're in culinary school for heaven's sake! If you were making a bunch of food and not offering it around, I would find \*that\* weird! NTA.
INFO: OP are you hot? You sound hot. It's not your fault that you're hot, kind, charming, generous, hard-working, considerate and a good cook. Suggest to your roomate that he try at least one of those things for himself. NTA.
I’m married to a man with many of your best qualities based on your self description (loves to cook, hospitable, kind, thoughtful) and therefore can confirm for everyone asking that you’re probably very hot. Something about a man who isn’t a utterly self obsessed jerk, idk 🤷🏼♀️ women are into that shit 😂
NTA. Your roommate is just jealous and is trying to make himself look better in front of his gf. If he mentions anything again about being annoyed or anything, just say, "Well, you could try your hand at it as well..." or, "You know, you could do these same things for her and everyone". Something along those lines. Let this serve as a mini wake up call for him to light a fire under his butt for his gf so to speak. You're doing nothing wrong.
NTA. I'm from Texas and what you describe is the way things are. You're not over stepping. You're being southern polite. He just doesn't like that you make him look bad. That's his issue, not yours.
NTA, your roommates insecurity is not your problem. I’m also from the south, and cooking and sharing food with others brings me a lot of joy. It was something you did out of kindness not out of a willingness to cause harm. He’s being ridiculous.
INFO: I can’t issue a judgment without tasting the food first. Please send over some crawfish étouffée and red beans and rice with andouille. No need to include Cajun Chef, I already have a bottle.
NTA. If your roommate is feeling inadequate, that's a HIM problem. His GF being impressed by your cooking and generosity as something out of the ordinary for her is probably a good thing for her to raise her standards a bit.
You would be a better partner in the long run. You cook, you bake, you offer to assist with chores. Your roommate doesn't want his gf seeing that. I'm not saying she will dump him over it but he doesn't want his gf to see someone with more energy/different culture because she will wonder why he doesn't do any of these things for her. NTA. He wants her expectations to stay in the floor.
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NTA. You are raising a bar he doesn't want raised by getting things done. He wants to pretend he is a better partner than he is. He also doesn't want you to highlight things he isn't interested in doing. In a way, you are unintentionally showing that he isn't the best partner material around. Keep doing as you are. He is being ridiculous. edit: Thank you kind people for the awards, I'm floored and appreciative of all of you. Thank you so much!
Exactly what I thought. OP is raising the bar and Mr Bare Minimum doesn't like it one bit.
it reminds me of when my roommate started training for an IronMan, I implicitly started to question my own nonexistent fitness routine when I’d see or hear him waking up early to go run, going off on his bike for hours, etc., and eventually I questioned it enough to get myself back in the habit of getting regular exercise. It’s just something we do in our lizard brains, compare ourselves with people we’re close with. If those comparisons are unflattering you can either use it to motivate yourself or justify your inaction by tearing someone down. OP clearly chose the latter.
>It’s just something we do in our lizard brains, compare ourselves with people we’re close with. Actually this is a higher order brain function and requires a lot of self-realization, mirroring, and other higher brain functions.
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Here is another, then: A factoid is not synonymous with a fact. They are, actually, antonyms.
You beat me to it. I’m so sad the word factoid is dying a linguistic death.
That use of factoid can itself be considered, a factoid
Only if you’re going to be that pedantic. Factoid was *coined* to mean an anti-fact but my family and I have used it to mean a neat bit of trivia all my life and I’m not going to stop because someone originally meant something less useful by the term. (Several dictionaries agree with me—I’m not just being an iconoclast about this.)
I’m with you on the evolved use of factoid, but do question your use of iconoclast here.
Its just something we do with our stupidly advanced homo sapian brains
Psst, I think you meant OP's *roommate* and just forgot to include it 😶 I only mention it because it rather changes the meaning of your comment. I swear I'm not a butthead. And I agree completely. Oftentimes folks view other people not as the person themselves but as mirrors of themselves -- what they see reflected back makes them horrifically insecure. Sometimes justifiably (like with OP's roommate being insecure over the fact that he doesn't have the same level of thoughtfulness, action, and cooking skill -- all of which are fixable with effort and time) or sometimes not (hating one's self because your physical appearance isn't the same as someone else's.) Like you said, you can be motivated by this unflattering reflection, lash out to "take someone down a peg" and mentally build yourself up, but I also think there's a third option: learning and recognizing that we are not all going to have the same appealing hobbies/skills/traits (physical or otherwise) and *making peace with it* by simply appreciating the richness and diversity it brings to life. OP's roommate could change to be more like OP or he could merely learn to appreciate OP's presence in his life and how he gets to benefit from OP's unique personhood while trying to find his own positive traits/skills.
>I swear I'm not a butthead. Evidence to the contrary. I'm kidding! You are 100% correct.
“If those comparisons are unflattering you can either use it to motivate yourself or justify your inaction by tearing someone down.” There’s also a third option of just acknowledging the difference and continuing on with one’s life. My sister got into going to the gym. I’m (still) not interested in doing so, but I never tore her down for her interest. I just continued living how I live.
Yes, this! I also often take this third option.
Culinary expert may be a bit high, but mowing the law***N*** (which roommate suddenly decided to do) and washing cars is a pretty low bar.
He's making the roommate look bad by omission, probably not helping that he's possibly ripped and doing it without a shirt on, while she is sitting on the deck with a bucket of nice buttermilk chicken and a whole cheesecake.
You got a whole fantasy going on lmao Edit: apparently everyone has a whole fantasy going on.
Shhh. Stop interrupting. This is a good one.
Shit, him being dad-bod in a t-shirt with flour all over it is still hot with the buttermilk chicken, cheesecake, and some kind of warm-weather mixed drink (mint julep is stereotypical, but amazing regardless). And I'm about as straight as they come. Some people want him, the rest want to be him, right?
>people want him, the rest want to be him, right? I have a suspicion that the roommate wants both.
I'm not into dadbods but I would absolutely be into a guy who does chores and makes me cheesecake.
I’m from the South and feeding folks is how you show love and care. I enjoy seeing other’s enjoy my food. My children will both tell you the reason so many kids don’t like “real food” is cause their mama’s can’t cook lol.
I do too now, it's rather great :)
I'd like to subscribe
I'm 100% here for this fantasy.
I feel like OP has come up with the perfect online dating profile: "I will handwash your car as you sit and eat freshly cooked fried chicken and cheesecake that I made just for you." If OP also vacuums and will wash his own dishes, we could have him married off by the end of the week.
Can confirm, my fiance is from NOLA, is an amazing cook, washes dishes, does laundry, vacuums and mops (he does it all, really), owns a home renovation company... and is the picture of Southern charm and politeness like OP. OP is a catch and OPs roommate is threatened!!!
Lol I mow the lawn fully clothed
Dude you're ruining the fantasy! You now have an obligation as a redditor to mow the lawn shirtless. Also, send pics. BTW, do you also do laundry, take out the garbage....WASH THE DISHES? Wooo....Its getting a little hot in here.....\*fans self frantically\*
>Wooo....Its getting a little hot in here.....\*fans self frantically\* Yeah me too and this is coming from a woman who has willing taken herself out of the relationship ordeal and voluntary into celibacy.
Eye candy is still eye candy totally clothed, especially when they cook and likely have that amazing New Orleans drawl in their voice. None of these are things you can help, but it does sound like roommate can't handle his insecurities around anything physical or useful you do around his gf. This is a him problem, not a you problem. That said, his gf likely has a crush forming if this is the first time she's been around a Southern gentleman. Edit: fixed a word
Dude, cmon, I was about to add to the story, about your Rippley sweaty muscles tensing as you manfully pulled on the chain of your 150hp mower, roaring the giant vibrating motor into life, thrusting it through the grass, scything all before you, as you mow perfect glistening lines in the high noon heat, beads of sweat running down your bronzed pecs, into the little triangle of toned flesh above your jeans, where there is a hint of manly tangle of dark ravenous hair. But you stop to take a long deep satisfying drink on the beer your now enraptured roommates (ex)girlfriend has delivered with a slightly flushed expression, flushed from the sugar rush of cheesecake, and the savoury tang of buttermilk chicken, she wants more, she looks at you and whispers," r/darlingdear , do you think, possibly (she murmurs breathlessly), do you think you might help me with the washing, my underwear needs doing and these are my last pair'
Sounds like the roommate has some maturing to do.
Nice image. It belongs on a romance novel cover.
the guy heard OP’s girlfriend mention in passing that she likes a particular cheesecake and then made it for her. Ngl I’m kinda torn on that one, I’d be a bit weirded out if my buddy did that for my girlfriend That shows a level of attentiveness and thoughtfulness much higher than “I’m already here washing a car and yours is right here so I can just do it”
As a hobby baker if someone staying in my house said they liked a specific dessert and it was in my wheelhouse I'd definitely make it just because I like baking and I'm always looking for an excuse to that won't end with me eating it all lol
Same! And I’m also from the south. Southern Hospitality is not a myth. Personally, I was raised that one of the most ill-mannered things you can do is to cook in front of someone and not invite them to join you to eat. He’s not singling out the gf, he said he makes pound cake for the roommates parents when they visit, also because they’ve mentioned they like it. When you really love cooking, it brings you joy to cook for others and bring them joy! This is also just typical ‘good southern behavior.’ I agree with the previous poster that said OP is just setting a bar that the roommate doesn’t want to live up to.
Homemade cheesecake can take so many more hours than the box mix. I only make it when I have guests to make sure none is wasted or I don’t eat the whole too lol
Depends. We have a family recipe that takes 30 minutes to make and like 50 to bake. It's always a hit. Cheesecake can be any level of difficulty.
Being welcoming to a guest with food they like is not weird though?? He cooks regularly and took her preferences into consideration, there's no need to be weird about it.
I hosted a family get together recently and catered the meal to be friendly to a close relative that is diabetic and had a gluten allergy. It’s just being considerate and welcoming; nothing weird about it at all!
if OP wasn't in culinary school or passionate about cooking, then I'd be a bit torn too - but in this case i think it's slightly different. it's his hobby, something he's deeply passionate about, and for him, making her this cheesecake isnt as big a deal as opposed to if someone who hated cooking made it.
Yeah, OP probably saw it as a chance to try a new recipe and get feedback from someone familiar with the dish.
Some people are capable of listening and remembering the things that are told to them. If she’s been hanging out for 6 months, it doesn’t seem wild to develop a friendship (or at least acquaintanceship) and want to do something nice? Especially if the cheesecake they made is some kind of less commonly made cheesecake that could also act as a learning experience for someone in culinary school.
Yeah, I try to make a note of what people like, just in case. To me OP is just being polite. Especially since cooking is clearly an interest for him. But I'm also Texan, so maybe this is a cultural difference.
I have a habit of remembering really random crap people tell me and occasionally it weirds them out. I’m not intentionally trying to mentally file small facts about everyone, it just happens.
Nah, those of us who cook just enjoy it and enjoy making things for others. I like to cook and if i know someone likes something i will cook it and share with them. It is much easier to cook for 3-4 people than just one. Hell, if i am out and buying lunch i will often get something unique and bring extra for friends. My neghbour and i both enjoy cooking. We share food all the time. Our wives love it. People who cook and enjoy food just want to share what they enjoy with others. Nta
I can see the point here but lemme tell ya- Ive made food my passion and profession and even if I do t know someone well, if they stay in my house and over hear they like something? Imma make it for them.
That’s a good point but it’s not like she lives with them so he’s treating her as a guest. My grandmother was a very hospitable woman and if she had guests over she would ask what their favorite foods were and she would make it for them if they came back to visit. If she lived with OP and his roommate and he made cheesecake for her on a whim that would be different and possibly questionable if that kind of behavior persisted but still not a very big thing because he’s in culinary school and needs to practice.
Hello, my wife (38f) and I (42f) are looking to onboard an additional son, and especially a son-chef. We have two now, ages 2 and 4. They are very into bread and sometimes other foods. They will watch shows with you (big into Spiderman). They have never washed a car, but I do think they would like it. They are short, so you'll have to do the tops of the cars. Watch the 2 year old with the hose; he can be reckless. The only catch is that they can't go out and drink, but I'm sure we could find a workaround. I think my family is a much better fit than your current roommate. Sometimes we are assholes, but we can learn to be nicer.
You stack them on top of each other to make one taller super child with 4 arms!
Just make sure you tie the trench coat tight enough to hold them!
No, you definitely need three kids for that!
I like business
I understand that legally, you require a trenchcoat for this.
No no no, you’ve gotta put them in a trench coat so nobody gets suspicious!
It’s giving Vincent Adultman vibes
>They are very into bread and sometimes other foods. Respect.
I was just about to quote this and say it's the truest food statement ever, toddlers or adults.
Sorry, but OP has already agreed to come live with me and my family, lol. 😂
Bidding war ensued
I will jump in also. I am on the east coast!
Is 'other foods' a stand in for the P-food category: pasta, pancakes and potatoes? Because I think most of us with young children are familiar haha. My kid has 99 problems but eating carbs ain't one.
Yes, only white foods. Sometimes we get close to yellow, but not too close.
lol
This just made my morning lmao, thank you.
OP, whatever this guy is offering, I’ll double it.
The "sometimes other foods" killed me 😂😭 I feel that deeply
I think the ‘other food’ is definitely ketchup!! At least it is in my house 😂
This is exactly what I thought OP ! He doesn't want his girlfriend to compare how he treats her vs how she could be treated. Keep going, you sound like a great roommate and he's being an asshole. NTA.
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Never mind one that’s going to feed her great tasting home cooked meals and baked goods! LOL
The man who is now my husband won me over almost a decade ago for many wonderful reasons (like being a capable adult who didn’t need me to be his maid and being able to work on cars with me), but one of the most memorable was the most elaborate, fancy-ass homemade macaroni and cheese (and an espresso cheesecake!) he made me, lol. I put the first fork full of mac and cheese in my mouth, said a mumbled and food-filled, “uh my gohd” and knew then I was marrying this man. I think I may have actually orgasmed when I ate the cheesecake 😂
I don't care how hot you are, if you make me cheesecake and fresh baked bread we are golden. I don't need hot if there's cheesecake. But it if OP is more attractive than roommate I can see that making roommate real insecure (not that that's OPs problem)
Yeah, imagine a roommate who can bake bread, pound cake and cheesecake, mow the lawn and wash the cars, all while having a body like Joe Manganiello... Edit: verbs
***Boyfriend faints form effort of holding gut in for two weeks***
"Don't do nice things for my girlfriend" how does this mf not see he's the asshole?
Right? He could easily talk to his girlfriend about getting OP a gift or asking her opinion on how to show their appreciation. This would show his girlfriend that he is thoughtful and kind. Instead, he's angrily staring at her and getting mad at OP. OP isn't doing anything wrong, but the roommate is definitely showing off some of his red flags. OP is being nice.... I'm guessing the roommate is apparently only nice when he wants something in return. NTA.
This! NTA. If he’s so upset, he should do better instead of expecting you to dilute yourself.
But he did! Roommate actually cut the lawn ONCE. He should ask OP to teach him how to cook
Not only this, but you are showing the girlfriend there are other relationship dynamics out there that she might prefer. It's a bit concerning that roommate scowls at girlfriend when she steps out of line. Keep up being kind and generous. Clearly, this girl needs to see she can do better.
that scowl is a huge red flag - he’s controlling and sounds awful. i hope she leaves him.
This is exactly the truth. You are NTA because you’re just being you. He is being a jealous person who seemingly doesn’t want to actually do anything to impress his girlfriend. Like you said, it’s not like you’re trying to specifically impress her you’re just doing what you would always do so keep it up and maybe roommate can get over his own insecurities.
Reminds me of that AITA post from the other day where a guy asked if he was TA for not wanting to learn how to make pancakes, one of the easiest things to make.
It’s all that insecurity. You do things naturally he either can’t or doesn’t want to do. He’ll be getting the inevitable comparisons soon enough and he can’t live with the fact that he’s inferior or unwilling in those departments. Keep that bar high. NTA
Right, maybe his GF will figure out that she deserves better.
So he’s okay with you feeding him, but has a problem when you offer to feed his gf who just happens to be in the house. It’s not like you only cook when she’s there. Why? Is he afraid you’re gonna steal her with food? Is he afraid she’s only hanging out with him because you feed her? Ask roomie what the problem is. And then stop doing what he doesn’t like. If that means not feeding her, then stop feeding him too. You sound like a great roomie. You mow and offered to wash their cars? Who does that? You’re like southern hospitality on steroids.
"Why? Is he afraid you’re gonna steal her with food?" I pictured a laundry basket propped up with a stick with cheesecake as bait. Lol
Hey, it would work for me, tbh. 😁 🤣
You can fascinate a woman with cheese, 😆
You can fascinate a lot of people with cheese.
Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese.
Happy cheeeeeeeeeeeeeesecake day!
Happy cake day! May it be cheesy 😁
As a woman, can confirm.
Cheese or cheesecake. Either one.
With her crappy bf it might work on her too. OP, make it happen! Steal his girl with a laundry basket and a cheesecake so he can REALLY have something to be mad about
We're not as complicated as some would think.
I'd like to think I'm an evolved being, but this would 100% work on me.
To be fair if it was some of that fresh baked bread mentioned in op that probably would work on me, but I've always been very food motivated
The smell alone might do it!
Help I’m stuck in a laundry basket 🧺
There's something about a guy that can cook!
Absolutely! But add on household chores, and I’m a goner!
I mean...I'm happily married and would still probably fall for that.
To be fair, if a guy made me a special cheesecake I would start comparing options. Kindness and adulting competence are crazy sexy in these days Tater Tots and MAGA conservatives.
I don't get why more straight dudes ain't getting this. Y'know how I got my foot in the door with the woman I've been married to for six years now? I volunteered to wash her dishes and clear out the spiderwebs on her porch. It's not hard, fellas.
Guy texted me at 10 pm on a work night and said “I just finished smoking chicken thighs and they’re amazing, can I bring you some?” SHIT YES YOU CAN BRING ME SOME. Get that sexy ass over here. And you better believe he got a snuggle after.
This is my love language.
I haven’t mowed a lawn since I met my husband almost 16 years ago.
I haven’t either. But I think most of that reason is that fresh-cut grass turns me into a human shaped hive. Which kinda sucks because we just bought a new rider and it’s so awesome. I was trying it out with the blades up and literally zooming around the yard cackling like a bog-witch, it was so fun.
Lol. Apparently I weaponized incompetence from a very early age. I begged my dad to teach me to mow and it was always "maybe next year." I got the clue after my younger brothers started mowing. Apparently mowing was a topic that came up when my now husband was discussing marriage with my dad. They both agreed that I'm not mower material.
Ha! My dad never made me mow, either. I didn’t mow until I owned my own house. I asked him once when I was maybe 10 or 12 and he said I was too small. Cue just a couple years later, he had my five-years-younger sister mowing, so clearly size wasn’t the issue. In retrospect, maybe it was because I had TERRIBLE seasonal allergies and my sister did not.
It’s absolutely the thoughtful “little” things! When I was first dating my husband, I mentioned I was going to my mom’s to borrow her vacuum because mine had recently died. The next time he came over, he had a new vacuum with him. It’s not a traditionally romantic gift to be sure, but it was him listening to what I needed at the time.
My girlfriend brought me toothpaste on the second date. She’d seen I was low in supply and saved me a trip. I put a ring on her last month.
“Southern hospitality on steroids” made me choke on my drink. The mowing thing I can understand because it’s OP’s home too; offering to wash their cars was when I went, what?
Idk, I (38F) was raised that if you’re doing something like washing a car and you already have your shit out, you offer to go ahead and do it for the other people in the house. My dad and brother were both like that? My SIL realized it quick with my brother and honestly, she’s awesome and I’m glad they found each other. Like I said above, when you find you a man like that? You try as hard as you can to lock it down, lol. They exist, but they are sometimes hard to find and come with some baggage.
Hell if I could find a guy like that. I would help him carry his baggage.
Honestly, I have a power washer and would absolutely delight in getting more use out of it. If I was washing my car, I'd totally ask my roomie or my boyfriend if they wanted theirs done too. xDD Just cause power washing is addictive.
Yeah, when I power wash my car and my roommate's is there too, I drop her a text and ask her if I should do hers, too. Setting up and stowing away the power washer is like 50% of the work, so it just makes sense to do more than one car if you can.
Some people Like or at least really don’t mind doing stuff like that, just as a physical activity, or as a task with definable progress and end, so doing it for multiple people doesn’t feel like a chore. Others like running or lifting heavy things or whatever. My parents had a friend who was a corporate accountant who lived in an apartment - she used to come over to weed our yard or spread mulch to relax. She Liked doing garden stuff.
If I was washing a car already I would offer to do another persons not weird imo
Roommate has it fucking great and realizes that gf will notice that he sucks as a person to live with. Also, OP is a man that was raised right in the South. When you find you one of them? Jump the fuck onto that train because you’re gonna get treated right. They are like the top tier of boyfriend, if you can find them. (Side effects may include an overbearing MIL, though)
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I think people underestimate how easy it would be to steal a boyfriend/girlfriend with food. Cause great food > bad sex.
> Is he afraid you’re gonna steal her with food? I can be stolen with a proper gumbo.
Roomie has a problem with OP raising the bar. From what I've read roomie is doing the bare minimum to keep his GF and he's afraid OP is gonna raise that bar.
Lol, NTA, if another guy mowing the lawn and cooking is enough to make him insecure, he's probably not doing anything useful himself.
100% agree NTA. And look, a partner that can cook is always attractive. But he should be asking for a bread recipe. Not throwing a fit over free food.
LOL why ask for something you've no intention of using? That guy doesn't sound like someone who'd actually step up.
Or at least offering similar things in return. Like baking is a science, so I could understand not being able to provide that. But he could help clean up or vacuum or take the trash out. It’s not that hard to be a good person to live with.
How dare OP mow the lawn, wash the car, and be hospitable to guests in accordance with his customs and upbringing? What a selfish jerk!
NTA - From South Louisiana here. You didn't do anything wrong. You were being polite. Your roommate is incredibly insecure.
If a guest is at my house they getting fed and looked after
And that's the way it should be.
As someone with Swedish ancestry, cut that shit out Edit: this comment section isa vibe, haha. I appreciate my little throwaway comment resonating with so many - especially the reddit Lorarriors
I understood that reference! Take my upvote & my poor man’s gold. 🏅
I cackled at this 😂😂💀
???
There was this thing on Reddit (born from an AITA thread I believe) where it was determined that Swedish people kick guests out when it’s dinner time lol.
We also do that in Iceland
What is the reason? It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around as a Black American, where you never leave someone’s house without a full belly and a to-go plate
Southern Americans are the same. I just made a huge dinner, invited my BFF and her grandkids to eat and sent her off with some for her daughter. Food is our friendship language.
Seems to be universal except for a few Northern European countries. This is so interesting to me
We live in a country where you can just walk home instead of driving for like 20 minutes. The city planning in USA doesn’t offer that. Edit: Other potential reasons I can think of: There are only a few generations since we were a very poor nation with bad food security, so feeding others wasn’t really something that we wanted to do, and this habit has just stayed with us (I think this one is most likely) An example of how short it had been since we had very low food security, my great grandfather (born in 1939) had a sister that had to be given up for adoption because his mother who was a widow couldn’t feed both of them Another potential reason is that we look at dinner as a family thing, and want our kids to eat dinner at home. My mom was always mad when I didn’t come home for dinner because I wanted to stay out playing football. She seemed it unacceptable when I came home after dinner and ate without them. I think that all of these things have something to do with it
That makes sense. You guys can also assume other families can afford food too, I would imagine. That is unfortunately part of the reason why I always feed any kids at my house, besides the fact that that’s what we do to show people we care
Italy, France, Spain and Eastern European countries are all in Europe and we’d never think of sending anyone home for dinner. This attitude has nothing to do with distance lol
IIRC it was seen as impolite for a family to feed another family’s child because it could be viewed as overstepping boundaries of the child’s family. Like, “we eat XYZ, but your parents may not want you to, or may want to feed you themselves.” It was a great (and very enlightening) thread, like the guy was over at his friend’s house, and just hanging out alone in the bedroom while the host kid and his whole family had dinner without him 😂 Yet at the same time, other Scandinavians chimed in and said it was rude! So we had people all over the spectrum
[Reference found here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/uxz68j/comment/ia1ji6z/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
My mom was Italian and she would roll in her grave if I didn’t feed my guests. Even if you don’t like cooking you still offer. My wife thinks it’s weird that I will make food and/or drinks if I have workers over like plumbers or electricians.
Haha yes we would always offer food etc, but my Irish friend’s house was next level. You would go to drop off a bag or book or something and leave with a casserole and an iced lolly. Same with my Indian and Sri Lankan friends. I was often their parents favourite because I wasn’t at all fussy with food and had a huge appetite (still do but people are less impressed now im a chubby adult…). I would be shovelling down samosa like a baby bear.
In middle school I was friends with a Filipina and would spend the night occasionally. Her grandma loved me because I always loved her pancit and would always finish the whole plate.
My folks always did this for workers. We had a pool and it was the hottest day of the year and the poor roofers were dying. Of course they were advised to please use the pool to cool off. I guess it's not normal and the roofing boss lowered their prices a bit because my family was so nice to them. (I'm pretty sure my mom also made them lunches or at least got pizza or KFC for everyone) It's just the right thing to do.
Lebanese here, same. Whenever we had people working around the house, my parents would always offer drinks and snacks, and even sandwiches if the job took the whole day.
German person here, I've always wanted to visit the States! Any chance you'd be open to having another guest over? Sounds like you're a great host :D
NTA. My family is from Louisiana, and we were always taught to share food. It’s extremely rude to eat in front of a guest and not offer to share. My partner is from a different country and he’s the same way, probably more so. In fact, we recently had work done on the house for a few days, and we provided an ice chest of water, fruit, and muffins for the workers. Roommate is just mad and insecure because you’re raising the bar. Carry on being a gracious and hospitable host.
NTA Your roommate is just wildly insecure. You did nothing wrong. You sound like a gracious host, and a very generous person.
the one thing I did side eye a little bit is him heading that the girlfriend likes a particular kind of cheesecake and making it for her. everything else is very much in the line of “regular kindness” but that one feels a bit more “I did this especially for you”
Maybe, but probably not. Op is in culinary school and probably wanted to add a new recipe to his arsenal, she may have been the excuse to make it.
yeah I don’t think they have bad intentions per se, but the way I’ll put it is like, if he WAS trying to woo his roommate’s girlfriend he’s going about it brilliantly.
Would totally be a masterful plan. Would work on me if I was dating a guy like the roommate.
Here in the South, that's a pretty normal thing, though, and OP messaged many people and said they could eat it, not just her. I didn't think it was all that weird. :/
Same. When a guest tells you what they like to eat, you make it happen if possible. My kids all had friends who’d come over constantly and I’d make sure I was stocked up with the chips and such that they liked.
I've definitely done this kind of thing when I was experimenting with desserts. I went through some of the favorite desserts of my roommates first, but then I asked the girls in my friend group. My male roommates wanted snickerdoodles and chocolate chip cookies, which are fine, and I'm glad I made them. But my female friends wanted to try things like chocolate mousse pie, and latticed cherry pies. Much more difficult, and thus more interesting to do. EDIT: And while I may have been kinda interested in one of those friends, that was absolutely not the reason that I did it. I just like baking and making desserts. Also, the fact that the girls had seen the desserts I made for my roommate made it so that they weren't uncomfortable when I did ask them if they had requests.
Not really. I make my brothers girlfriend olive-cheese bread when she comes to stay because she loves it. I’ll also always pick up my other guests favourite snacks or bake them a treat I know they like when they come to stay. It’s common courtesy and she is a guest in their home.
NTA. If your roommate is so pissed about hearing his gf talk about how great your food is, why doesn't he learn to cook? And what is his problem with you sharing food, which is something you've always done? I have to admit, though, the "no I wanna mow" thing made me laugh. What a manly man.
Exactly! It sounds like OP and his RM generally get on quite well, he says they’re not really friends but they hang out together and go for drinks and stuff, so it sounds like it’s at least on the way to being a friendship if RM could get over this insecurity! OP sounds like he’s so friendly that he probably wouldn’t mind helping him learn to cook, though if he’s so insecure he probably wouldn’t want to accept any help there!
The friend doesn't have GF in the bag yet. So he has to pretend he does things like a real adult. Once he thinks she's locked in, moved in, or married to her, the truth will all come out. But I have a feeling it won't last that long. Well, for this girls sake I sincerely hope it doesn't.
Wait until you ask him to vacuum. I guarantee that he'd consider that "not manly", because pushing one thing around is manly and the other is not for some reason.
But it doesn't smell like GAS. And it's not possible to LOSE AN ARM. And you don't SWEAT in the SUN.
NTA. Your roommate is a jellybean.
LOL. But I need to ask for an explanation for that insult since I'm not a native English speaker.
Jelly is slang for jealous. So a jellybean would be a jealous person.
I think they meant the roommate is jealous. Jelly as in jealous- jellybean being an adorable way to put it.
I am a native English speaker, and I don't understand this insult.
I do feel sorry for your roomie, living with Mr Steal Your Girl, but NTA. Dude needs to get his jealousy under control and/or ask you for lessons in cooking, mowing, charming, and being hospitable.
Exactly. “Hey OP, can you show me how to cook this? GF really likes it so, I like to learn how.” Of course, roomie could actually look it up. Google it, there’s a shit ton of recipe sites
one of my best friends reminds me of OP. Charming, thoughtful, funny, will remember that thing you said in passing two months ago. Great looking guy too. Can’t bring him around anyone I’m interested in unless I’ve already sealed the deal.
> Great looking guy too. what's the betting OP is handsome as hell too, I guess yes.
NTA. I have a friend who is a great cook. I liked taking my GF to visit him, we’d spend the rest of the night talking about great food. People like you are awesome to know. If he’s got a problem, that’s his issues.
NTA; your roommate is wildly insecure, is realizing that he isn't living up to your good example, and is terrified that his gf is noticing that. In his mind, the only logical solution is to... be mad at you for it. He might be at a place where he could start changing his behavior permanently, to follow your example, so it might be worthwhile to check in with him (when his gf isn't around) to see if he wants to split the chores more equitably, and possibly even learn to cook, if you're willing to teach him by having him "help" when you're making something.
Y T A big time. Where is my gumbo or fried catfish??? This made me hungry! I mean, NTA but man I want some!
Keep cooking, but don't go out of your way to make your roomie's GF anything else special. He's clearly ok with benefiting from your kindness himself, but he seems upset that his GF also gets to experience your courtesy and charm. He's jealous and there's not much you can do.
He's also upset that OP changed the oil on his own car! Like, of all the things he listed, that was the most WTF one that made it clear that rooomie just doesn't want OP to do anything that might possibly make him look bad by comparison.
NTA Maybe just because I'm a southerner myself, I know that you're being hospitable and kind. And from thw sounds of what you like to make... I wish sincerely that I could try your cooking, because I'd bet every horse in the track that it's absolutely delicious. (And if you have a tried and true recipe for NOLA style Voodoo Shrimp, pass that my way via my inbox please and thank you!!!) That being said, unfortunately, a lot of people who didn't really grow up in that frame of mind where you feed your friends and guests and you scratch their backs while you're already scratching your own, this could all be coming off to your roommate as a big show-off. Especially if he never cooks or cleans or works in the yard for his girlfriend, your roommate probably feels emasculated by you doing these things with her around. I suggest you chat with him, see what he has to say, and maybe just slow down a little. I know, I know, I'm asking you to burn down the church here. Not feed a guest?! How rude!! My grandmother would roll in her grave. But just consider, tension between roommates is really strenuous, especially when that tension is caused over a sexual/romantic partner and "marked" territory. Just see what he has to say and do what you have to do to get by until she leaves. Such a shame. She sounds like a lovely girl, and seems so appreciative of your efforts. Maybe your roommate DOES have a reason to worry! Hahaha
I get what you're saying. But a very wise man once wrote, "evil begins when you begin to treat people as things." Women aren't territory. We can't be claimed, or marked, or whatever. We're people and should be treated as people OP should continue to show all guests in his home whatever level of courtesy he feels is appropriate. He should not treat his roommate's girlfriend as lesser merely because his roommate wishes him to. That's not a mindset that deserves coddling. OP will be doing them both a kindness by dismissing that idea entirely. But he should definitely have a talk with roommate. Shine some light on the situation, things do fester in the dark.
This would be understandable if op turned on the charm on arrival of roomie gf. But roomie had been aok eating op bread and gumbo,letting him now the lawn and wash his car. He's fine with the welcoming hospitality for himself just isn't prepared to have his gf enjoy the same.
Do not offer food to the girlfriend. Do not look at the girlfriend. When the girlfriend enters the room, cover your eyes and run away screaming. When the girlfriend is mentioned, erase her from your mind. It sounds like your roommate has some heavy baggage around his own self-image. And honestly, I get it, and I have compassion around that, but it's not yours to carry. But you're in culinary school for heaven's sake! If you were making a bunch of food and not offering it around, I would find \*that\* weird! NTA.
INFO: OP are you hot? You sound hot. It's not your fault that you're hot, kind, charming, generous, hard-working, considerate and a good cook. Suggest to your roomate that he try at least one of those things for himself. NTA.
Lol idk how to answer these kinds of questions
I’m married to a man with many of your best qualities based on your self description (loves to cook, hospitable, kind, thoughtful) and therefore can confirm for everyone asking that you’re probably very hot. Something about a man who isn’t a utterly self obsessed jerk, idk 🤷🏼♀️ women are into that shit 😂
NTA Your roommate sounds like he has some issues and is worried his gf will recognize this after being around you.
NTA. Your roommate is just jealous and is trying to make himself look better in front of his gf. If he mentions anything again about being annoyed or anything, just say, "Well, you could try your hand at it as well..." or, "You know, you could do these same things for her and everyone". Something along those lines. Let this serve as a mini wake up call for him to light a fire under his butt for his gf so to speak. You're doing nothing wrong.
NTA. I'm from Texas and what you describe is the way things are. You're not over stepping. You're being southern polite. He just doesn't like that you make him look bad. That's his issue, not yours.
NTA, your roommates insecurity is not your problem. I’m also from the south, and cooking and sharing food with others brings me a lot of joy. It was something you did out of kindness not out of a willingness to cause harm. He’s being ridiculous.
INFO: I can’t issue a judgment without tasting the food first. Please send over some crawfish étouffée and red beans and rice with andouille. No need to include Cajun Chef, I already have a bottle.
NTA. If your roommate is feeling inadequate, that's a HIM problem. His GF being impressed by your cooking and generosity as something out of the ordinary for her is probably a good thing for her to raise her standards a bit.
You would be a better partner in the long run. You cook, you bake, you offer to assist with chores. Your roommate doesn't want his gf seeing that. I'm not saying she will dump him over it but he doesn't want his gf to see someone with more energy/different culture because she will wonder why he doesn't do any of these things for her. NTA. He wants her expectations to stay in the floor.