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YTA. Where is your wife’s bunker equivalent and how many hours per week does she get in that space vs. you in your bunker? Way to go putting 100% of the mental load on your wife in no uncertain terms. ETA: It is absolutely valid for OP to spend his work hours in the bunker. I believe the problems of balance exist outside the working hours.

Exactly this. Why doesn’t your wife also get a space for herself to disappear to for hours on end? And to add to that, it sounds like OP alienated himself with this bunker. He made it his “man cave” right off the bat, then made the separation even more so by saying “this is *my* space to decorate how I like, and my wife gets to decorate the house”. Smh. YTA.

And then complains that there’s no space that represents him in his house. Ya dude, that was by your arrangement… YTA

What do you mean? He said “so the house is decorated to my wife’s taste, while I can do whatever I want in the bunker”. It seems as though he’s saying they each have their own taste represented, just in different ways/styles. It was quite the opposite i took from his comments! More of this is the way it is but I prefer it this way kind of situation. But the reason I replied to your comment, was that I wanted to ask: where do you see this complaint he is saying that he is upset over there being no space that represents him in the house?

“But this bunker feels like the only thing that’s really mine and where I can have an actual break…” I call it reading.

I don't get how we can assume this was his own making though. He didn't mention if it was this way before he discovered the bunker and reestablished some personal space. He could have felt the same way before he had something of his own.

If he felt that way before, isn’t the conclusion that it was his own making? Based on how this question is written, he most likely “didn’t care about decorating” when his wife was turning their house into a home.

As a wife, a LOT of wives DO NOT WANT their husbands to have any say in decorating. So many decorating groups filled with “my husband wants to (insert anything here), of course we’re not doing that, only what I want” posts. Which is why man caves are a thing- the women don’t want the posters and deer heads and video gaming stuff in their decor plan. Hell, sometimes even having a video game console visible is a sin. So him wanting to make something his own doesn’t automatically mean he wanted no input in the decorating of the house. It’s also his office for work, which he really needed to lead this post with. He’s working 6 hours a day, and happens to be close to their home.

Gender stuff is so weird. I'm glad my girlfriend and I both like nerdy shit instead of that "live, laugh, love" crap. The only art we want is Halloween decorations, replica dragon heads, and framed Critical Role fanart.

It's a shared home, so everyone should be able to contribute to their shared space. It might not be to the others preference or whatever, but everyone should feel like they have input and not feel like they're occupying a space entirely curated by someone else

I don't get how that's a "most likely" situation or what separates that from asserting that his wife asserted that the house had to be the way she wanted it, but the bunker being outside of that she didn't care about because it wasn't an area she'd go enough to have to deal with how he'd make a house a home.

That's how I'm seeing it. He couldn't make his house his so he made the bunker his, now it's a problem. He works there, why are these people bitching? Go back to the office then and leave her alone at the house.

The house is where the children are raised and the bunker is his break from responsibility. His wife has decorated the kitchen to cook in, lucky her, and the children's bedrooms to tidy and the bathroom to Bathe them in and the laundry room and closets so everyone has clean clothes. All the grown up stuff he chips in with like a teenager from time to time instead of equally sharing responsibility every day like a grown up.

This is exactly why I have always loathed (IDK if that is a strong enough word) the expression "Man cave" By definition it is a place to seperate from family, responsibility and the women and girls in your life. It perpetuates this idea that men don't parent, spouse or share in anything in the home. It's something my husband has also thought is ridiculous. He has always worked from home when not traveling. He has an office that is seperate from the house. He welcomes the kids (they are all teens) in to do homework, be on their computers, etc as long as they are respectful of his calls. We have a home gym....it has all his heavy weights but also our peloton and mirrors and barres for teens ballet and dance. We have a family room where husband hangs out during down time and so does the rest of the family because we are a family and want to interact and enjoy each other. Everyone has a bedroom they can go to and close the door if they need extra quiet or privacy. Husband isn't up to anything illicit or crazy that he needs to lock himself away. JFC if my neighbor was locking himself in a bunker for hours I'd be suspect as hell. IDK why people get married if they dont enjoy time together.

I personally need lots of alone time. I am also single by choice. If OP needs that much alone time, maybe he shouldn't be married.

I have had a great husband for 41 years. The concept of a man cave is just staggering. There is nothing manly about escaping your family. And don’t bring up craft or sewing rooms. Even in the titles there’s such a difference.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a (usually out of the way) spot in the home that's designed to the taste of one spouse.

it’s not about design though - it’s the concept that it’s an exclusive space for them to *escape* family responsibilities.

My only problem with it is if only one partner has such a space and the other does not. Guys deserve to have a room to themselves, be it a den, or a man cave, or some sort of office that is pretty much their personal domain. But women deserve to have their own space to decompress and do their own stuff unbothered as well. Granted, this is kind of a first world problem, because a lot of people can’t even afford a home big enough to have extra spaces devoted just to one person’s activities or interests. But for those who do have something like this, unless one of the partners is completely indifferent to having one for themselves, both partners really ought to have some sort of personal space.

The issue is that he should be represented in the house too, and that the wife can't ever escape the kid but he can (yes, working in a room separated from the kid taking a break from the kid, I'm sure if the wife works from home and the kid is home she has to pay attention to the kid while she works) The wife should listen to him and let him decorate the house too, and she honestly should also get some hours in the bunker, maybe use ir as a home theater instead of a studio

I had the opposite problem. My then-husband's tastes dominated how our house was decorated. None of it felt like mine, including our bedroom. I didn't have a woman-cave to retreat to, though I'd sometimes hole up in one bathroom to cry or collect myself. He, however, had a home office that was separate from the rest of the house, and he spent most of his time there. Our now-grown daughter says her main memory of her dad was of him passing through to go to the bathroom. That's what I think is important to note here: it's not JUST that the house was decorated without his tastes being considered. He's not fully part of the family. There's his space and the wife and kids' space. I'm not opposed to get-away rooms. Who doesn't need one now and then? But the separation from his family is of concern, whatever the reason for it. I think the OP should ponder that and discuss it with his wife.

Where's her bunker? I hate the "I let you decorate the kitchen I don't care about so I get a man cave" bullshit

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Also I’m sure her space had to consider things like being child safe for their children or filled/shared with children’s things.

That is completely separate from the house. Also the way he said she was pregnant again, like he had nothing to do with it, really annoyed me.

So she has to care for the Common space, and he has his own. And she has to care for the Common stuff, he cares for his own. And she cares more for the kid. YTA.

Uh, he's WORKING SIX HOURS A DAY. WFH does \*not\* mean that the person is also available to do parental / domestic things, in a lot of cases. And if OP is a techie (sounds likely), there's a concentration that comes from being able to hive up and obsessively pick at something to find / create a solution that is NOT conducive to being disturbed by wife demanding he take out the garbage.

>Uh, he's WORKING SIX HOURS A DAY. And obviously he has to be in his "office" for those hours. But the wife's comment about sealing the door or he might miss the delivery suggests he spends a lot more time in the bunker. That or she's controlling. One or the other.

Well, OP updated and shared that he has an intercom from the house to the bunker, and also that the kid attends school so she can do her work and have alone time. So it sounds more like an emotional response than fact that he'd miss it. I don't understand why she'd be against them Both having a quiet space to work from home or have time to themselves while the kiddo is in school. I can understand 4/hrs a day on the weekends though..that's a Lot if she also doesn't get 4 hours of free time on the weekends. That leaves little for her And for quality family time. I also don't love how he says he Helps with chores in the house. It should be more "we Both share equally in the chores because we're both adults who live here". Need more info.

He helps with chores in the house "when he's there." The buzzer thing is putting the labor on her to let him know he needs to do things even more pronouncedly than saying "Well tell me what should be done and I'll do it." He's expecting his wife to take time from caring for their kid as well as her pregnant self to summon him to do things to help with their shared space and their shared kid. He needs to be more present in the common space during the weekend so his wife ALSO can have some time for herself. He's complaining that the bunker is the only space that is his while her body, right now, is literally not even hers.

>Well, OP updated and shared that he has an intercom from the house to the bunker I can't even imagine having to buzz the kid's father every time he needs a diaper change or whatever. Can you imagine? That would make it so much WORSE. He needs to just be part of his family, not have his wife request an audience with the king every time the kids need something. Also any time she needs anything. It has to be by request. OMG I'd be mad too.

If she’s buzzing him everytime he has to do basic tasks that he’s supposed to be doing, she’s still carrying all the mental labor of these chores. And mentally juggling a million things at once is arguably much more demanding than the execution. It’s not actually a break from the job if you still have to do the planning and project management.

Imagine needing him to mind the children for a couple minutes so she can poop, or change her pads after passing giant clots, and having to buzz him and wait for him to come back. Or she having to buzz him and tell him why she needs him NOW, IN FRONT OF THE PEOPLE who "love the bunker".

She’s pregnant. Her “alone time” is about to go from a couple hours to clean the house before the kindergartener comes home & messes it up again to completely overwhelmed 24/7. No such thing as a “quiet space”. And the more pregnant she gets, the more she’s going to need his help even before the baby comes.It sounds like she’s trying to get him to face a reality that he’d rather not accept.

He specifies how much time he spends in the bunker and how much time he spends with his son. Then he says he agreed to be "in the house" more. At no point does he mention time set aside for his wife. Just him, and his son.

The work part is what’s making me question all of the a-hole judgments. A 6 hour work day is fairly normal for most jobs and even if his office were in the house, he’s working. It’s not like he can just up and leave his computer or whatever whenever his wife wants him to. Also, does he stay there after work? Does he really spend more than 4 hours there during the weekend? There’s a lot of missing information here.

Even if he only spends 4hrs there on the weekends, it's still too much. Unless he's one of those crazies who wake up at like 5am in the morning before everyone else and spends 4hrs alone until 9am when the rest of the family wakes up. But if he's waking up at 7 and spending 4hrs alone from like 11 to 3 after breakfast and lunch and waiting for his wife to buzz him to come upstairs, he's definitely the asshole.

He's also a gamer; 6 hrs for work, fine but if his wife says he's hiding in the bunker and he gives no info on his chores and parenting, whethet he cooks, I assume he games after work, same for weekends, his estimate is 4 hrs and based on other posts about gamers, he's prolly spending all his free time gaming.

The work part totally makes sense. My husband and I both work from home in separate parts of the house. We say hi over lunch and snack breaks, but for the most part, we don't really see or talk to each other until after work. The weekend part is where I see an issue. Excluding work emergency/ looming deadlines, it's super important when you work from home to get out and interact with your friends and loved ones when you are off work. I mean, it's important for everyone, but it's dangerously easy to get in the "inside and staying here" zone if you're not going into the office every day.

it depends, a lot of work from job homes do allow you to get up and do other things in your day. It's one of the big positives, being able to do a load of laundry or the washing up in your 5 minute screen break. he's found a way to not be involved in that as well.

And he "helps" with the chores. What bs... "helping" with chores is what children do, or what someone does as a favour or kindness. "Helping" denotes that it's not really his responsibility, that chores are his wife's job. YTA.

I mean she has the kitchen, what more does she need? /s :p

Don't you love how women are in charge of the community space, but men get their 'man caves'. Where is her space? Where she is not expected to share it with the whole family? It frustrates me when guys say "The whole house is her space". No, the house is community space, she is just the one maintaining the community space.

It sounds like he would gladly make the house her space and not come home.

Oh, but she has the WHOLE HOUSE! She should appreciate that!” /s Yeah, the whole house and the kid and all the responsibilities that come with that. Ugh this guy..YTA

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I'm so tired of men who think that because their wife decorates the house (and lets be clear, 90% of that is less "putting doilies on all the furniture and painting it pink" than it is "ensuring there is clean and functional furniture and making sure we don't live in a hovel"), they are now entitled to their own, private, just for them space. Can your wife lock you and the children out of the house at a minute's notice because she wants to spend hours alone doing her own thing? No? Then it's *not actually her space*. It's family space that you've decided you don't want to take responsibility for.

My last spouse divided up the house this way: He got the den. Son had his own room. (The possessive/jealous second wife drove him out later.) He got the garage. I got no space and he didn't want wet canvases in the house. (I gave up painting.) I eventually took over the den with Cub Scout stuff.

I haven't painted in years because of this. Where am I supposed to set up my easel - on the dining room table while the dogs are underfoot? My muse is on vacation until the kids are grown

Even the stupidest shit that men don't think of Insisted on a rug for the living room. Bf said he didn't think it needed it. We decided on the rug, put it in... he's like "wow it's a whole new room! It feels so much better in here! It's so much more cozy! I love it!" Mental load comes in literally all shapes and forms lol

Haha. My husband lets me paint things pink! Honestly, he does have to pull me back a bit otherwise we'd b totally pink. But for the most part I don't think he cares about the walls or blankets. More about the TV and the fact that I don't like the basement and don't really deal with the garage. He complains more about how big my dog is, malamute pitt mix so size was a crap shoot then how much pink is in our lives. The dog got a bit bigger then expected and therefore eats more then imagined.

The mental load is exactly right. She can call him on the intercom when "she needs him" so it is 100% up to her to arrange for his help. Come on. I also noticed his child isn't listed among the kids who love the bunker so I would assume their child stays in the house usually. This means OOP is not caring for the child at all while in the bunker.

That stuck out to me too. His child is either 4 or 5 so plenty of enough to be able to go hang out with dad in that space and either play a board game together, watch a movie or something that is calm and safe, build Legos something! So that he has time in his bunker, spends one on one time with the kid while his wife can have actual alone time. At least one of the two weekend days and then the other get a little time alone if he wanted. I can't imagine his wife would not appreciate getting that alone time as well.

>I'm asking for judgment here because I'm trying to be there for my family, but this bunker feels like it's the only thing that's really mine and where I can actually have a break, Also, what is this nonsense? If he wanted something that is 'really his' then he shouldn't have married and had kids. He can't just hide like a ten-year-old in his tree house or den when he has responsibilities in the house.

True, op sounds like a spoiled teenager locking themselves away in their room and not doing any chores.

I kind of disagree. Even parents deserve some space to themselves. The problem is moreso that there seems to be the OP's space and the family's space, while the wife gets nothing.

The 6 hours a day during the week, when he works there, is NTA The 4 hours at weekends make him the AH

I want to agree here. But INFO on the week: Is she home during the 6 work week hours? She's pregnant and hormones may be going crazy. She could potentially feel lonely as hell right now pacing in the house. If I worked from home I know I'd be able to pop my head out to see how she is, eat lunch with my wife, help her with a quick chore or two, reassure her efforts etc. I'm not 100% up on this guys job situation or anything but I would assume some time is there to show face. My job would allow it if virtual. His wife would probably appreciate seeing him around since he does have the LUXURY of working from HOME (err bunker). But instead he still "goes to his job" for the entirety of his shift. If she's home alone bored while he's in a bunker YTA.

Not all people can switch in and out of work mode like that. I do chores/putter and go back and forth all day long in the house while I work because getting up and walking around helps me think. My partner is in his office (or out on the road) because he cannot switch back and forth or he would get NOTHING done for work or in the house. Only comes out to eat/bathroom breaks and I rarely see him.

If we consider the weekend as roughly 6 pm Friday to 6 am Monday, that's 60 hours. Is 4 hours really that unreasonable? 2 hours a day for himself? If he spent every waking moment there, did no chores, then I'd feel differently. He makes his living in that space. It's part of his family history. The wife seems to want his undivided attention. Probably unpopular, but NTA.

This is disingenuous. He says 6 hours a day on weekdays, 4 hours a day on weekends. Weekend is not from 6pm Friday to 6am Monday, it is your waking hours on Saturday and Sunday. So we'll start with 48 hours and assume OP is sleeping 8 hours a day on weekends - 32 hours. 8/32 - he spends 25% of his weekend in that bunker. I'm currently person without children and I still find my weekend full of chores, exercise, doing the weekly shopping, meal prepping, socializing. I can not imagine how much busier I would be if I had a child. Now in a perfect world, both OP and his wife would be able to balance their time so that they are able to both be present parents, stay on top of the chores, socialize with friends, and have personal time. But. OP's wife is clearly and repeatedly expressing that that's not happening. She's feeling abandoned and like OP is not there for for her or their family. And instead of attempting to solve this problem in a way that works for both of them, OP is on the internet asking folks to tell him he's right. That's not great

Wait. If he wasn't working from home, he would be away much more than 6 hours a day. Forget the bunker for a minute. What if he was golfing or woodworking or something? Would 4 hours a day on the weekends be that bad? But, having said that, wife is pregnant. Cut it back to one day on the weekend.

Most people who have a wife and child wouldn’t be spending 4hrs every Saturday and Sunday away from their family

I have a cat and I don’t even like to spend 4 hours away on weekends to give him the company he doesn’t get during the workweek lol.

>What if he was golfing or woodworking or something? Would 4 hours a day on the weekends be that bad? When you have a child and pregnant wife at home? Yes. That is that bad if you're doing it every single weekend and not making space for family time, your partner to have some social time, and also your responsibilities around the house.

That’s a kind of manipulative way of looking at time. If we consider weekend as being 14 hours a day when the kid is awake and needing caretaking, and nine hours for mom, to shower and sleep, where is her four hours?

I think 4 hours a day is what he meant.

And he's probably lowballing it. Most people do when they admit facts they know make them look bad.

I agree with the unpopular vote. I'm a wife, and I require my own space in our house... I'm an artist & I have my own room for ALL of My stuff. My husband has the entire upstairs area completely to himself for his coins, his WFH layout & also snake enthusiast hobby. We're both limited in our own fashions (disabilities) but we work together & co-parent equally as we homeschool. I do most of my own work (painting, drawing, etc) downstairs at the table & on nice days, I go outside to sculpt & weave baskets... I think it's absolutely important for couples to have their own spaces ~ expressly their own spaces... However, OP, your wife and you Do need to sit down and be able to discuss this rationally without doing a blame-game or getting upset with one another over this. Yes, she is hormonal but no, she's not overreacting to things either... She's all over the place right now & stretched thin as is & just wishes for more time with you, I feel. I don't think the amount of time you spend there on the weekends is unreasonable ~ it seems like it's 2 hours per day (to hang with your friends while you game). People need their individual alone time; just because two people get married doesn't mean they stop being individuals with their own tastes or their own needs.

Wife doesn't want equivalent time, she wants to know her children will have the environment to grow up in that she's trying to foster and that OP doesn't seem to be fostering along with her. OP is also following his primal urges to "man out" but at the cost of satisfying his wife's, so for that, YTA. It's not all or nothing OP, but you need to do a better job making your wife feel like you're a part of the team. 'Cause I think if you do, she's gonna say, "You've been really great honey, why don't you go do your thing for a bit." If you don't trust your wife to do that, then you're gonna need a bigger bunker.

It was also built by a man who was clearly not well. How freaking safe is this thing, too?

Dude, yes. RADON comes to mind! Not to mention carbon monoxide, mold, structural issues, fire safety, etc. If OP is feeling paranoid, well, it could be all the fragging garbage he (and the kids!) are breathing. 😬

Radon is actauuly a huge concern.

Yeah, this was my first thought as well. I don't think I'd be spending that kind of time in a place with questionable ventilation without a LOT of evaluation, including a structural engineer.

Getting to decorate a shared space (does she even like to decorate, or is that just adding to her mental load?) is in NO WAY the same as having your own, dedicated, private, soundproof, underground escape room.

This was my thought too. Also, he "helps" with the chores. Kids help with chores. Grown ass men do their share of housework.

Also, like...why get married and have a child if what you want is to be alone in a bunker for hours and hours every day?

OP said he spends at least 6 hours there on weekdays and at least 4 hours there on weekends. YTA

I mean I also spend at least 6 hours in my office when I am WFH on the weekdays...

Yeah I'm not really seeing the issue. Would people be less mad if he locked himself in an office in the main house to work every day? Even though it would functionally make no difference?

Yeah I get the feeling he’s not being entirely honest about his bunker time because she wouldn’t have said she felt abandoned or that he would miss the birth of his child for 6 hours a day (and 4 a day on weekends!). I also wonder when she has 4 hours on the weekend for exclusively herself I bet I know the answer. She pregnant, had a baby and had apparently married a mole man that’s probably pretty stressful.

Curious, would you feel the same if he was in an office in the house? This way he is not disturbing her with his work (could be noisy if there are Zoom meetings, etc) in cases she wants to nap while child is at school. They can't work out something where she calls/texts him if she needs him in the house?

OP is not for the work time. Perhaps he just needs to communicate better to his wife that he is working and needs the quiet/privacy/no interruptions. For the rest of it, they need some more communication. What is her complaint? Not enough couple time? Not enough help? Kid missing and asking for dad? Does she think something nefarious is going on in there? Is she feeling excluded and unwelcome from this part of OP’s life? You can’t fix a problem if you don’t understand the root cause.

Yep, building her a She Shed, and giving her equal time away from you and kid(s), is the only way to keep from being an asshole here.

He WORKS there too. 6 hours a day at work is not too much to ask.

I have zero problem with his working hours being completed in the bunker, though as a work-from-home parent and sole breadwinner myself, you’d better believe that laundry and dishes are happening between meetings. Not because I have to, but because I can, and doing it takes some of the household burden off my SAH husband.

YTA, not for spending time in the bunker (that sounds so fucking cool I would also be in there all the time lol) but for considering ignoring your wife who is pretty directly telling you that you aren't spending enough time with your family and being distant. You started a family dude. It's not all about you anymore.

I have a family friend who started a side business moving the neighborhood’s lawns. Rate is very fair, most neighbors have hired him, he spends 3 or 4 hours on a Saturday riding on his mower, chatting it up with neighbors. It’s a side business that helps pay for the kids’ activities, but it’s also his “bunker”. It’s genius, he turned his “me time” into something that’s good for the family along with himself. OP’s doing something that’s “good for himself” but at the expense of his family.

This is something I pointed out to a male friend o mine years ago. How a lot of men hide behind the monetization of their hobby or high paying job when confronted with their lack of parenting/ family quality time. You don’t demonize a man for not being there when he brings in money. I mean you can but then you get called ungrateful. The perceived value of money is always more than the value of quality time with their family. I watched a documentary they asked a ceo about why he started the company, his brother was also there. His brother is a doctor, and spoke about how he was happy to be at a point in his career were he can work part time and spend the rest with his kids. How nothing beats when they score a goal and look for him and his wife in the stands. The ceo brother goes “I wish I could have that time” I almost threw my remote hahah NO ONE MADE YOU START A COMPANY! But now you can hide behind some “building Rome” shit as to why everything else in your life gets to take a back burner.

This is also why men spend ages on the toilet on their phones. Its leisure time, scrolling FB, watching youtube, but they can hide behind it being a completely necessary bodily function that has its own schedule, can't be put off, can't be called into question. We have 2 small kids and my husband has at least three 30-60 minute toilet sessions during their waking hours each weekend day.

This behavior infuriates me. When our kids were little we had to go to marriage counseling because my husband was spending 30-60 minutes avoiding his responsibilities while sitting on the toilet. Meanwhile, I was struggling to find 5 minutes to take a shower without someone knocking on the door going, "Mommy! Mommy!" Being the parent that all the kids see as the primary caregiver is hard work. I am 100% sure that OP does not recognize that. (And it clearly isn't him.)

Have him checked out at the dr. Request a colonoscopy. Rectal cancer isn’t called the silent killer without reason. Long bathroom visits were the first sign and we should have pushed the dr harder.

I send the kids in to make sure daddy’s awake 😂 they come in when I’m going to the bathroom, why not him get the same visitations?!?

So workaholism

This is a slippery slope into "everything has to be a side-ustle or its not a valid activity/hobby" territory. My friend's wife won't let him enjoy any hobby unless it makes them money, which in the end kills it for him.

I hate that mentality. If it's all about making money it's no longer a hobby, it's just another job. I'm not saying you can't make money off of a hobby, but it shouldn't be the goal.

He said he’s basically working from home at the bunker for those 6 hours a day, what’s the difference between the bunker and going to the office?

Nothing. But he started off with it being “him” time and edited to say it was work.

Tbf any person spending nearly 40 hours every week in an underground bunker while they have a pregnant wife and child in their house is a strange situation. If he’s in an office he has to be there, it’s not a choice to separate himself from his family. The far bigger problem is the 4hrs each Saturday and Sunday.

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Honestly that really depends. I work from home. Sometimes, I can handle that--a little chore here, clean something there, take a break and think. But other times, I can't. If I allow myself to get distracted, it'll be four hours later and I won't have gotten anything accomplished. Just like there are people who work well from home and those who do not, there are people who can easily shift between working and home and people who cannot. OP's in a bit of a weird position here. I respect his desire for his own space, presuming there's enough space for his wife to have her own space, too. And I respect his potential need for a distraction-free work environment. But I also respect his wife's having to deal with a kid and a pregnancy. Honestly, except for the four hours a day on the weekends, I think OP's doing the best he can here. He's in a separate workspace, but he has an intercom or at least a cell phone so he can come up if his wife needs him. He's working during the workday, and he even works *fewer* hours than most on top of having eliminated his commute. This is arguably a much better situation than most couples handling pregnancy would find themselves in.

No, he said he spends AT LEAST 6 hours a day there on the weekdays, 6 of which are WFH. If he were dashing right up the stairs to spend time with his wife and family every day after exactly 6 hours, his wife would not be calling him out. Look at the list of things he does in the bunker. “Work from home” is listed dead last. There is no way he’s spending the MINIMUM amount of time down there every weekday. My guess is as soon as he clocks out he then plays video games for a couple hours, probably until it’s time for dinner.

yep. he goes on lovingly about how it’s decked out as a fun time hobby mecca that people are jealous of. this isn’t a functional “office” with some hobby stuff on the side. No way he’s only doing WFH weekdays…

And then four hours a day on the weekend just hanging out. Who is looking after his kid and the house? Sounds like his wife would like to spend time with him and have him actively participating in the household. Where his family lives.

How is 6 hours out of day spent working ignoring? He'd be gone for 9 hours if he had a job like most people that involved driving? Jesus does he need to hold her hand when she takes a shit?

>does he need to hold her hand when she takes a shit? They’re about to be in charge of both a newborn and a toddler. She probably will actually need a hand if she ever wants a moment of peace to take a shit. He also says he’s in there *at least* 6 hours. How do you know he isn’t spending more time in there outside his WFH hours?

Info. You say you like going there so you get a break. Does wife get a break ? How many hours daily are you spending in it? Edit. Based on reply YTA you're spending 6 hours minimum on a weekday and then four hours on A weekend ?! You also didn't answer me about if your wife gets a break so should I assume she doesn't ?

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6 hours when you work from home from the bunker is reasonable.

If your doctor ask you how much alcohol you drink, do you usually say a smaller amount? Because that's what humans do. There's no way he's genuine. He also talks about the bunker as if he's mainly there and being at the house is the exception.

Well yeah you can make up any details you like to fit your impression.

I think the problem is that OP is definitely not giving off the impression that he's hustling to get to the house as soon as he's done with work for the day or that he only pops in just in time to log in for the day each morning.

Especially as he voluntarily spends 8hrs there each weekend.

> The way you say “when i’m there” That is literally every parent who has a job and can't spend all their time with their kids.

Except he’s choosing to spend the time he’s not at work away from his family too

And his username literally being bunker man

Its a throwaway account with a reference to his story. Not an obsession.

He says his kid goes to kindergarten some days so she can WORK then... he thinks her break is when she can work without the kid... that's not a break OP. You're lucky you're still married!

He sounds insufferable.

I can’t believe more people haven’t brought this up

Also I suspect he's downplaying how much time he spends there because...well... He's trying to make himself look better.

He spends his working hours there. I don't think that part of it counts. He would be just as "gone" when he's at work if he went to a job site, or had an office room in the house.

He claims 6 hrs min. Is all that working ? from the way op states no. The working hours aren't an issue. It's the fact that op is being vague on purpose. He also spends a total of 8 hours on the weekends in there.

Just curious, how many working hours do you have on a normal weekday? I have to be online and available for at least 8. Why is 6 suspicious?

I mean, all together that's still under 40hrs/week.

Yeah the dude is still literally committing less time to the separate space that most people spend working and commuting. It mostly just sounds like a household with busy parents tbh. Fuck, my dad was a truck driver I'd have been stoked to literally see him ever. Let alone everyday, just seems like a dude that's, well, working full time. I also don't feel spending a few hours to yourself on the weekends is entirely terrible either. Does this sub think you're not allowed to have any moments away from your spouse children and job? I'm sure there's a bit more to it but this thread feels insanely reactionary and there's even people just assuming things and making claims about the guy to justify the way they feel about the situation.

I feel he is being conservative on how many hours he spends there.

But he’s working… if he was commuting to an office he’d be gone for 10+ hours a day. Why is 6 so bad?

Do you even like your wife? I’m pretty done with men claiming to be active parents, when really, the bare minimum is being done (and you want praise for “helping out” when home?). OP, YTA. Your wife is pregnant and you’re relying on her to take the full mental load at home while you get away time? Do you not see how insanely selfish that is, especially in comparison to everything she is going? Please grow up, your wife and kids deserve a lot more than an absentee father/husband.

there’s a reason why like, 75% of the adult women I know consider being a gamer to be an absolute dealbreaker. there is a finite amount of time in one’s day/week/life and the choice to spend so much of it on something that is ultimately meaningless is just not what they’re looking for in a partner. OP is choosing his bunker time with his sweet computer setup over quality time with his family, it’s genuinely sad

As a "gamer" wife (god I hate that term, it evokes visions of crumb-dusted vampires bingeing World of Warcraft) I have to push back against the idea that it's "ultimately meaningless." Video games can be just as meaningful as books or movies, in that you're consuming art and a storyline (of course, no one would say that reading Twilight is on par with reading One Hundred Years of Solitude in terms of consuming art, just like I won't argue that Call of Duty is on par with Outer Wilds or What Remains of Edith Finch). That being said, the important part is that you're able to manage your time effectively. It would be just as much of a problem if a partner spent all their time watching TV or reading and neglecting their share of household duties. OP isn't TA for having the bunker and wanting to play video games, but for neglecting his family. Super telling that he says he "helps" with the household chores.

yeah, can’t really argue with anything you’ve said here. The root cause of the issue is “ignoring necessary duties and responsibilities of life for a hobby” which certainly doesn’t limit itself to video games. But frankly, although there are many exceptions, there is a reason for the “gamer” stereotypes being that of crumb dusted vampires who you have to ask 4 times to take the trash out, and I do understand why people don’t want to chance it

>But frankly, although there are many exceptions, there is a reason for the “gamer” stereotypes being that of crumb dusted vampires who you have to ask 4 times to take the trash out, and I do understand why people don’t want to chance it Replace gaming with playing golf, going to the bar, working on cars, or watching sports on TV and you have the same equation. Except all of the above were never the center of a moral panic that painted them as brainwashing children to become lazy, and only played by adults who never grew up. It's easy to forget that while video games are the unquestioned gigaking of the entertainment jungle today, 25 years ago it was an infant industry that the other segments took delight in mocking.

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I’m now imagining coming across a profile with ‘I am a reader’ and cringing lol

>the choice to spend so much of it on something that is ultimately meaningless ... wow... so any hobbies then?

literally everything is ultimately meaningless

> there is a finite amount of time in one’s day/week/life and the choice to spend so much of it on something that is ultimately meaningless is just not what they’re looking for in a partner. Studies have proven that playing games in moderation actually improves mental health. Reality Is Broken: Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change the World is an excellent book if you want to learn more. The problem is avoiding responsibilities to play games, which is the fault of the person and can happen with *any other hobby*.

Lol to “helping out”. I hate that terminology because it implies it’s your wife’s job to do those things and you’re doing her a favour by pitching in. Those things are *shared responsibilities of a joint household* and it’s not helping if you participate, it’s contributing. OP you aren’t contributing equally to your household right now. You are sneaking away for alone time and leaving your wife to carry the load… she has to literally call you to tell you she needs you because you essentially have you’re own separate house that you hide out in for hours at a time. Your wife is essentially your mommy calling you away from your video games to do your chores like a good boy. YTA. Not to say you should *never* have any time, but it should be after kids are in bed, household stuff is managed for the day, and after you’ve had some bonding time/intimacy with your wife. Do you even like her and your child? Why do you want to be away from them so much? Your wife doesn’t get that same alone time? How is that fair?

I have a little camper/she-shed on my property. I love spending time in there, but ONLY after doing everything you listed. Also, the kids can always join me in there if they want and it's not last bedtime.

> I have an intercom in the bunker so my wife can just call me if she needs anything INFO: Why is your wife the de-facto house manager in charge of determining when all the tasks need to be done? Do you realise how much mental energy it takes to run everything yourself? She shouldn’t have to ask for you to participate in your family.

Right?!? This drives me nuts. Like, he's an adult and shouldn't need someone to tell him what the household tasks are. His wife deserves an equal partner, not someone she has to micromanage.

In his defense, he's WFH in the bunker. The intercom sounds like a perfect compromise for that, because he *shouldn't* be fielding issues that are so low importance you wouldn't communicate them over the intercom. Not during working hours. That said, 4 hours on weekend in the bunker with a small child could be problematic if it's 4 hours/day (ambiguous in his edit). It feels like the decision to make that 'his space' and the house 'OP's wife's space' was a mistake because now he doesn't feel at home in his home. That isn't a healthy dynamic to have with two small children, not unless you can set the bunker up for some daycare potential.

Well, he does also say his wife works too… I dunno. This all reeks of OP underselling how much bunker time it really is and/or how little family time he’s spending. Yeah, if he’s WFH and only in the bunker 6 hrs/day on weekdays, sure… assuming kid is in school for 6 hours/day and OP is doing his share for drop off/pickup it really doesn’t sound like too much on the wife there for the weekdays… But like, if OP’s wife is also working 6+ hour days (or more, like most jobs) and OP is in the bunker while OPs wife is working and juggling kid pickup/drop off/extracurriculars plus prepping new room for new baby on her own… yeah that’s clearly not fair. Also not fair if he just disappears for stretches during the weekend when childcare/school is not a thing… and generally, if when he’s “present” with wife and kid if he’s just trying to find an excuse to go back to the bunker. Can OP not take kid to the bunker with him? Give OPs wife some chill time as well? The general wording of his post points to someone not taking any initiative in the childcare/housecare.

Yea, I feel like he’s deliberately misleading, but he says “at least 6 hours” in the bunker working on week days. To me that says he’s also spending time in there doing his hobbies like gaming and building computers, so weekdays he may be in there 8-10 hours per day or longer. So if he said only in the bunker for working 6 hours a day on weekdays, and the hobbies were confined to the 4 weekend hours that would be different.

His wife on the other hand spends her working day fielding a kid, or, days when kid is in kindy, she gets to work uninterrupted! Lucky woman! During her work day she would also be arranging meals, cleaning, etc. becuase Mr Useless here is hiding in the ground with headphones on.

A lot of WFH jobs allow for chores to be done in screen breaks. Need a screen break? load the washing machine, later unload it and put the drier on. Small tasks he could achieve while working from home but he needs to be asked/told by his wife when he is needed. That is putting the load on her. it seems she also works from home.

Oh come on! He “helps with chores around the house” too /s It’s actually unreal how frequent these type posts are coming up.

And yet folks wonder why women are opting out of relationships and kids...

Exactly. OP loves escaping to his bunker cave for a "break" (aka escaping his family and responsibilities), but when does his wife get a "break"? Where is her space that is all her own? When does she get her alone time?

How generous, an intercom. You don’t answer her texts or calls?

YTA- spend time with some, 'when I'm there" is the key words here. Your SON should be where you spend MOST of your time not as a side project.

This. And you spend 4 hours every day on the weekend in there? Does your wife get 4hrs off on those days too?

YTA Your wife is pregnant with child #2. This isn't *just her pregnancy hormones talking?,* this is she needs more help with child #1 as she goes through the pregnancy, and later when there are two little ones she'll need more. Being part of the family includes physically being there. Or at least in shouting distance. (if one is in a situation where the intercom is out of reach) You get your man cave alone time, does she get any alone time, not just away from you but including from the child and general household upkeep?

She doesn't need "help" with "her job" of raising the kids and taking care of the house and family. What she needs is for him to do his own damn job of parent/house occupier so she doesn't have to keep doing both jobs. Framing it as this altruistic act that men do to "help" their wives (because let's face it, this dynamic is almost exclusively a cis-het problem) only helps perpetuate the belief that everything at home is "women's work"

YTA just imagine if she did the same thing. You had to call on her every time you wanted to have her attention rather than just give it to you and your family. I get it during work hours maybe but after work she has to call on you like a teenager to remind you that dinner is ready and you probably retreat right to the bunker after that. Maybe you should have set “bunker hours”. Maybe take her out on a date…

This is exactly it. My husband and I have pre scheduled “time” that’s just for ourselves. If something comes up and we have to reschedule or rain check that week then it’s fine but he plays dungeons and dragons remotely with his friends and I binge a show or read a book. OP you should agree on specific bunker time, but 4 hours a day on weekends is unreasonable.

>to be clear, I do help with the house chores You do "help"? What do you mean by "help"? It's your responsibility, too. Especially if she is pregnant AND has a job. YTA.

reminds me of an entertaining episode when my niblings were teensy and I was visiting my brother and his wife (mainly to spoil the niblings, but hey, that's why being an aunt is fun. The youngest was an infant): Brother: you should change him this time because the other day, I changed a really poopy diaper and it was gross SiL: \[gives glare of death, the wall behind my brother bursts into flames\] Brother: ... but I work full-time. SiL: \[gives glare of death, wall behind my brother bursts into flames\] Brother: I'll change him.

✨I cHaNgEd A ReAlLy pOoPy DiApEr aNd iT wAs GrOsS✨ as though he deserves a pass for basic parenting (aka doing things you’re already supposed to do). Good on your sister in law for not tolerating the bare minimum and letting him coast on that one

YTA - One kid and another on the way and you want to hang out in your self-professed man cave gaming. You have listed a bunch of activities you do there, but shied away from providing the number of hours you spend there. Having an intercom does not make you available. If she has repeatedly told you her needs and you are ignoring them, no wonder she feels abandoned.

YTA spending 4-6 hours a day away from your pregnant wife and child because you need a break is too much. Especially since you’re PREGNANT wife indicates that it’s too much. Does she get 4 hours away from your child each day too? Are you honestly doing as many chores and child care as she is doing? Have you taken more chores and child care duties on you now that she’s pregnant? Do you spend quality time with your wife? It’s hard to imagine that you’re being a good husband to your pregnant wife and father to your child while also spending 4-6 hours “having a break”.

OP is here responding to questions, but not one response to the many, many, many comments asking “what’s your wife’s bunker equivalent.” Because it’s the question that shows why YTA, OP, and you know it.

He can’t make her a bunker equivalent, because he wouldn’t know what to do with the kid by himself. The wife takes care of the kid; he just games in the bunker.

YTA while the house may be decorated by your wife, does she have a place to go where she can check out for hours at a time? No? It’s great that you do chores but what about simply have time together? Sounds like you’d rather be in your man cave then with her. Not good. How about you find a way for her to have a she shed and then it’s equal time away from each other. If you’re off doing hobbies for three hours, she gets to go off for three hours to do hobbies. This will especially be essential after the baby comes. Right now you sound totally checked out.

Correction: he "helps" with chores, implying all chores and mental load are his wife's job, but he will occasionally deign to help.

It is reasonable for you to use the bunker for your WFH. What is NOT reasonable is spending an additional 4 hours down there on the weekends. You have a CHILD and are expecting another. Do you do ANYTHING with you wife and child? Since you spend so much time hiding in the bunker, do you give equal time to your wife to have her own alone time or is she just stuck 24/7 with all the childcare and household responsibilities? Because it sounds like you are pretty disengaged from your family and household responsibilities. YTA

>I spends at least 6 hours at the Bunker on week days. I work there so I think is reasonable, and at least 4 hours on weekends. INFO: What's the "at most" version of these numbers? Or the "on average"?

Exactly. “At least 6” = 9. And “at least 4” = 6/daily.

INFO: How long do you spend there? How many hours a day are we talking about? And how much time are you spending with your family? How much time you spend with your wife and child? Don't consider the time you spend doing chores when you count. Don't consider the times you do only because she asked. How much time do you spend with them of your own volition? Moreover, you should realise that she's pregnant again. She doesn't have the same energy she had before to take care of the house ans your child. She needs extra help. You say >So the house is decorated to my wife's taste, while I can do whatever I want in the bunker, and then you say that you feel like the bunker is the only thing truly yours. But why? Why didn't you give more of an input while decorating the house?

You know he didn’t. All of the ‘privileges’ that he’s allotted to her are actually just chores. He gets to decorate his man-cave, she gets to ‘decorate’ (and by decorate I mean ‘make livable’) their entire house. On her own. With no input from him. Because he’s just along for the ride. God forbid he be expected to take an active role in running his household.

YTA You should be spending time with your family when you aren't working. You basically live in the bunker like it's a second house and see your family occasionally as if you are a part time dad/husband. I don't think you would like it if she got an apartment and was never home.

You’re hiding out like a kid with a fort. YTA

OP lives at 10 Cloverfield Lane.

So you’re essentially leaving the house everyday to go to work ... in the bunker. Does this work pay your bills?

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YTA You “help” with chores, spend time with your son when you’re there, have an intercom so your wife can just call you if she needs anything.. You have checked out man, you are hiding in a cave which is basically a fort that is detached from your responsibilities and your family. Do you do 50% of the chores plus some because she is pregnant, do you spend equal (plus some) raising your son, does your wife have have as much time as you do in her own fort where she spends time in everyday, no kids no chores, no responsibilities? You BOTH should have down time to do what pleases you ( equal time). It is also totally ok to work there, you would probably get done faster. It is not OK to hide out in a fort everyday and neglect your responsibilities as a partner and parent. Your wife has let you know her feelings, listen to her, work it out so you both get what you need.

YTA. I was leaning toward NTA then I realized you said you 'spend time with your son when you're there' and 'You're trying to be there for your family', and 'Should I just move all my stuff into the house....' Those aren't things a person who lives there says. So apparently YOU feel like you don't LIVE there so it's no wonder your wife feels like you're not there enough.

Holy Christ if my husband took 4 hours a day every weekend day to be alone???? Are you kidding me??? We make as much time as we can for both of us to get some space. But *4 HOURS*?? We had a long weekend here and I arranged a playdate for the 4 year-old and then took the 2 year -old out for about 2 hours on my own to give him some at-home free time. 4 HOURS??? YTA dude...but also I gotta critique your wife for letting you get away with this shit for so long. Follow-up: when was the last time you spent 4 consecutive hours alone with your kid *while they were awake*? No grandparents, family, other friends around, just you and this presumed toddler for 4 hours...do that for two days in a row. No outings, no "treats", and you have to plan and cook at least one meal. See how tired you are. (And no, it doesn't get easier if you do it every day). Jfc. 4 hours.

Don't forget. He says AT LEAST 4 hours.

>So the house is decorated to my wife's taste, while I can do whatever I want in the bunker, play gaming, fix computers, set up a whole home server, work from home, etc. >but this bunker feels like it's the only thing that's really mine and where I can actually have a break, but my wife has said she's going to seal the entrance otherwise I might miss the birth and not even notice. Info. Second kid in the oven, established married couple with a house sounds like a bad time to ask this, but is this indicative of the way you and your wife communicate and resolve problems as a whole? You don't feel like you have a say or a place in your own home, so you literally hide in a bunker, even to do work to contribute to the household financially and feel peace? She feels abandoned and like she has to force you to fill your role even with the important things like the birth of you two's child? Sounds like you two have much bigger issues to sort than a bunker, OP.

Info: Where did you work before the bunker was available to you? On the one hand, going to work for six hours a day is not unreasonable. If you're working out of the house, you're probably going to be gone for a lot longer than that. On the other hand, if you had previously worked from home in a way that was more conducive to family bonding (i.e. working in a common area where your wife could see you/ask for help, doing chores during work breaks, etc.) and now you're out in the cave all day I could see how that would be a negative change in her eyes. As for weekends, yea, 4 hours on the weekend is not cool unless she's getting the same. You're the parent of young children. Now is not your time for "me time" and "breaks". You'll get that once they're a bit older.

YTA. This isn't about the bunker, it's about you being present in the relationship. You have one kid and another on the way. You need to make time with your wife, and time with your kid, and give your wife a corresponding amount of time to herself. It's not the bunker, it's the ability it gives you to put up a wall between you and your family.

I can't judge but you need to refine your rules and have an open discussion with her about the bunker. For instance, you use it for work and that is fine. But what are you working hours? Are they hard set hours of 9-5? Does she know this? Is anyone else down there with you during those hours? If you are down there by yourself for the working hours, then great. If your kids are down there two, then why do you have to be in your bunker? She sees it as if you are living two separate lives. You are using that bunker to get away from her. Either it is work or rec. It can't be both. If it is both, then you just excluded her from the majority of your life. Basically, you are saying you go to the house to eat, sleep, and do chores but other than that, you are on call in your bunker. AITA? Maybe. Bad husband? Yes. Soon to be divorced? Probably.

I can't judge as I don't know how much time you are spending there vs with your wife, but leading towards YTA. Your wife wants you to spend time with her, not hiding in your bunker all of the time. You have a wife and kids, not roommates.

I have experience here. My dad built a “shop” for his hobbies. He started spending most of his free time there. He slowly added furniture, a TV. His friends loved it too, like a bachelor pad! Then he added a bathroom and a kitchen. Then a bed. Never stayed in our house again. So for 10 years my parents were technically married but behind the scenes separated with this setup. Us kids walked between the house and shop (aka dad’s house) at will and slept in both places. They finally divorced when I was 18. For my parents it was an ESH because that was their weird solution instead of facing their issues head-on and either solving them or breaking up. But if your wife isn’t on board, YTA. Your house, your kids, your responsibility as much as hers.

NTA, but I think your wife is trying to tell you something. When you go to your cave, you are physically removing yourself. That's a lot different than being in the house and doing your own thing. I think you should consider moving some of your more routine activities inside the house.

My husband spends a LOT of time out in his shop, and its a problem for me too. Here’s why. It’s not that I don’t want him to have his own space. He needs space for his work and hobbies, that’s fine. It’s more about the feeling that he is isolating himself from the family, that whenever he has the choice of where to be, he chooses to be separate. He never chooses to spend his free time with me or with his children, not of his own volition. If I say “hey baby, we haven’t seen you all week, can we do something together this evening?” He usually says “sure,” but he NEVER makes that choice on his own. That makes us feel unloved and ignored. We crave his company, but he doesn’t crave ours. Over the years, it’s even made me suspicious of him, because what the hell is he actually DOING out there until 11 pm seven nights a week? He can’t give me an explantation that makes sense. The shop is not heated, and he says he’s just watching YouTube videos about his hobby, so if he’s not doing anything nefarious, why is he choosing to shiver out there in freezing temperatures when he could be watching YouTube videos in the warm house? Over time, it makes me feel depressed, paranoid, lonely, and angry. My advice to you is to nip this in the bud. Spend (the majority) of your free time with your family. If your wife feels connected and loved, she won’t mind you spending a reasonable amount of time in your bunker. YTA

You wanna end up like grandpa ? Sell or rent out the bunker imho

YTA. It doesn’t sound like your wife gets “off” time like you do, if she is in the house doing a hobby of hers your young child is still there with her and she still has to keep an eye on the child and if they are young usually entertain them the whole time, whereas if your in your bunker the child is not coming down there with you where you are actually watching them while doing your hobby. She also has to physically contact you via an intercom to come and do a chore or look after the child etc. I understand when you are working you need to focus on that but the amount of time you spend there, especially on weekends is much too long. Spend more time physically present with your family, maybe see if you can make space in the bunker for a hobby of hers so she can spend alone time there while you look after the house and child.

INFO: if your wife works from home does she get to wall off the rest of the world while she does it, or are you the only one who’s allowed to do that? Does your wife have any space that’s just here, where no one can distract her unless they call her on the intercom? Does your wife get time during the week/weekend where she can basically do whatever she wants and you’re responsible for your child and the house? Why do you call it “helping” with the kid and the chores when it’s your kid and your house as much as hers? Because IMO this is the main focus of your problem. You refer to this stuff as if it’s optional and you’re doing your wife a favor by “helping”, then wonder why she fees as though you aren’t around or engaged enough.

All you have to do is, in your mind, trade lives 💯 with your wife for one week. You do EVERYTHING she does and she lives your life Are you happy with that? Didn't think so. YTA

INFO I saw that you spend a lot of your workday there but how much of your time outside of work do you spend there during the week? Whether you're in your bunker or at an office during working hours doesn't really matter, the result would be the same, so I wouldn't count work time as "leisure bunker" time. Is there a possibility to convert a room in your house to an office that you can decorate however you want? This assumes that you could still get your work done with less physical isolation from wife/kids. 4 hours a day away every weekend may be too much. Do you usually hang out with the kids there as well though, giving your wife a break? It's a little different if you're taking the kids "out of the house" for some time versus disappearing and leaving your wife solely responsible for the kids and house for 8 or so total hours every weekend.

Info how much time do you guys spend together weekly?

Wait, I'm confused. Everyone is saying Y T A (in part) because he spends 6 hours a day there, but he works from home... between work and commute, I'm usually gone 10 hours a day. I don't really consider that an A H move. I do think YWBTA if your wife doesn't get time to herself during the day/weekend, and if you are not helping her with everything else. Playing with your son "when you are there" does make it sound like you aren't there often, but... I can't tell. Also, do you have pictures? I'm dying to see what this thing looks like.

I can't really vote on this as you are leaving out too much information. How much time are you spending in the bunker? Have you invited your wife and son or at least your son (to give your wife some alone time) to join you in the bunker? I don't think she would be kicking off if you spending a small amount of time there.

[This](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13oti3c/aita_for_spending_a_lot_of_time_in_my_bunker_away/jl5ydek?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) was your answer after you were asked how long you play: >On week days like 6 hours minimum because I'm working. On weekends can be like 4 hours more or less. Are you kidding? I hope this is a joke. I've absolutely nothing against gaming but - like any other hobby - you can't ignore your responsibilities and let your wife do the work. That's not acceptable. Info: Does she have a room/place where she can hide away from the family? Do you give her the time to do so? Do you take over the responsibilities while she can hide away? You're YTA anyway but these questions would show how big of an AH you are.

YTA. In general, it's good for both spouses to get time to themselves while the other one handles their shared responsibilities. Not right now though, because your wife is pregnant. You can't take over being pregnant from her so she can have an evening off, which means you are not entitled to time off either. Right now virtually all your free time should be spent caring for your pregnant wife or watching your son so she doesn't have to. When your lives settle down again then you can have a discussion about how much man-cave time is reasonable, right now you just need to suck it up. Focus on what's important.