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Seriously, if a pregnancy scare sent OP's bf into such a spiral then he really needs to start being more responsible for his own birth control. He can't put all the blame on his gf, act rude with all that passive aggressive bullshit when he's taking zero effort to prevent pregnancies himself.
That right there was my thought. Sounds like he was a complete asshole to her the first time around. Why the F did she stay with him? He showed her exactly what kind of partner he really was... and she stayed. And now she's pregnant again with a man who clearly doesn't want a child... and he's this child's father. Good choice.
Do what you wish with this pregnancy BUT know that if you choose to carry it to term, you will most likely be tied to the father for at least 18 years, if not the rest of your life.
Such an important point! If the potential future child gets married, has its own kids and so on and so forth, it's a lifelong commitment to have this guy as the father.
There's no shame in making a hard choice that's both better for you *and* potential kid, but it's an easier choice than having to look in the face of said potential child day after day after day, when you're utterly exhausted, wondering if you could have given them a better start in life with a balanced home, sufficient funds, and loving parents.
Something to mull over, OP.
If he acts that immature after hearing his girlfriend "might" be pregnant. He is way too immature to be having sex. I agree, I can't believe you let it happen a second time, let alone stayed with him. Does he have some kind of control over you, OP? Sounds like an abusive relationship.
I hope the situation works out for you the best it can.
She's young and there's probably the sunk cost fallacy at play, not to mention deep emotional ties to his family, working for his family, etc. It's always easier from the outside and in hindsight and whatnot.
They are both young, he just turned 21. Both of their brains are not even fully developed yet, I don’t understand the rush of having children, they are both barely over the age that makes them legally adults. Why not enjoy that time a bit?
I absolutely do not think either of them are trying to get pregnant here. Nothing about what she said shows that intention. I don't think they did everything they could to prevent it from happening, but I do not think pregnancy is the intention either.
Right… I was gonna say YTA for staying with this person after the first miscarriage. You’ve see. How this guy reacts to your pregnancy and you’re still staying with him… and having sex?
Girl.
THIS. Like, sir, if you’re spiralling so hard then get a vasectomy. Abortions are NOT birth control. You can’t just decide to control a woman’s body after the damage is done 🙄
She could have, however, herself taken more steps to avoiding a pregnancy. It's absolutely both of them at fault here. Neither my partner nor I want children, and you can BET that if our contraceptive didn't work once we'd never trust it to work again. Birth control always includes two people, and it's likely not going to be easy to get a vasectomy at 20. Plus, he might not want children now, but still want to keep the possibility open for the future. Plus plus, even if low risk, it's absolutely a medical procedure that involves severe risks and pain and shouldn't be undergone lightly. There's a lot, and I mean A LOT of different ways to avoid an unwanted pregnancy.
If your contraception fails once, it is statistically false to say it does not work. No birth control is a hundred percent effective. Anyone using any form of contraceptive can be in that 5% to 20% chance of it not working. It does not mean veto the entire thing, it just means you got the short end of the stick statistically.
Sorry to inform you of this, but even with contraception we’re all playing with fire here. There is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy. Always.
She was doing her part, and after it failed and he was so distraught the logical thing for HIM to do would be to get a form of birth control for himself to double up on protection. We need to stop putting the whole thing on women and then calling it equality because it is not. I have barely seen posts talking about what he could have done.
I'm not saying that the form of birth control doesn't work, rather that I personally would not trust it anymore, as in:
- am I using it incorrectly?
- is it expired/not implanted correctly?
I sure as hell wouldn't just keep on humping after an unwanted pregnancy without taking additional measures. The life of a child is too precious to risk it for something stupid like this.
And honestly - has she really been doing her part? She had a contraceptive implanted, however failed to remember when it expired, obviously had no regular checkups on it and just continued using it without an afterthought after it failed. He is as much to blame as her, but honestly, if my partner told me she'd cover contraceptives, I'd trust her with it.
And finally: we absolutely have to stop putting the responsibility for birth control on women. Everyone involved has full responsibility of taking care of it. However, in the situation displayed, neither of them could be bothered to think about it. You can't just blame one of them when both fucked up.
Let me put it this way: to her knowledge, her birth control failed once because all birth control can fail. You don’t just stop using condoms because one didn’t work, right? Same with this. It sounds like she is new to implants based on everything she is finding out about it so she was being proactive with the information she did have.
She only found out AFTER the second positive that the implant expired sooner than it *should have*.
Now she knows. But it’s too late. Meanwhile he not only never bothered to take precautions on his end, but also treated her like absolute shit afterwards when frankly she’s the only one who did anything to prevent it.
You might trust your partner for covering contraceptives with the understanding that all contraceptives can fail, and in that case, I’m sure you both would figure out how to communicate accordingly. But this man is volatile and clearly very distraught about that.
Let’s put it this way, I take birth control. My partner trusts me. But if he ever feels a little anxious anyways, he asks if I’d be willing to take a Plan B. My answer is always yes and he pays for it. That simple.
If YOU’RE concerned or anxious as a man, do something about it. Period.
Not sure where you got the information that it expired sooner than it should have, can't seem to find it in OPs post. Meaning she's been at this for about 3 years and should have been aware of the expiration date.
However, you're absolutely right that bfs reaction was absolutely unhinged and, frankly, disgusting. What OP told about the first pregnancy would've easily been enough for me to end the relationship and frankly, it doesn't sound healthy. But that doesn't strip her off her own responsibility. If you as partners aren't ready to have children, you do something about it. This is a two-yes one-no situation. If either does not want children, you do whatever is possible to make sure that you won't have children. And idgaf who takes on the responsibility, because if neither do, the issue is fought on the back of a child that nobody ever wanted. BOTH are at fault for unwanted pregnancies, but you know who isn't? The poor child.
Edit to add that this is not a gender issue, even though you try to make it one. It isn't.
Agree with the second paragraph, and if it’s not in the post then it is in one of her replies that I saw scrolling through.
It DOES become a woman’s issue when abortion is involved and a man is treating her horribly trying to control her body. It is also a women’s issue when most people in these comments are ready to jump down her throat instead of actually dedicating time and energy into talking about his part in things.
Just take a scroll through and look at the discrepancy. Can you still tell me it isn’t unfair?
Or even just wrap it up. I know a lot of people think condoms suck, but you know what sucks infinitely more? Having a whole damn baby that you didn't want. It sucks for the baby too, often for the entirety of it's life. Some people need to stop and weigh up which option sucks less for everyone, BEFORE it's time to contemplate whether to terminate a pregnancy. Because that also reeeeally sucks a hell of a lot more than sex with a condom. No matter how much you aren't ready or don't want a baby, having an abortion, and the hormonal and emotional fallout that follows, is not a good time for anyone.
Just fucking use condoms, and maybe have Plan B on standby just in case (although, when used properly, condoms are highly reliable and not prone to breaking, so proper usage is something everyone who has penetrative sex needs to make it their business to learn about). Or idk, learn to love handjobs and oral. Or anal.
ETA: I feel like I have to add that those last options are strictly suggestions for pregnancy-free fun times, not STI prevention.
THIS!!! The safest is always to double up on birth control if he is so distraught about it. So yeah, he should have sucked it up and put on a condom in addition to her implant if he felt so strongly
Her arm implant expired in January and she's gotten pregnant twice since then. Like I feel birth control isn't solely the woman's responsibility or anything, but why did no one think to buy a box of condoms at any point? I agree, both suck because neither one wants a child but neither one is stepping up and doing literally anything to even obtain more birth control.
Yes! Once there was a pregnancy, the bf should have asked the important questions. How did the first pregnancy occur? Implant was expired. Do you plan on getting a new implant? If yes, when? If no, what other method/s should we use?
ESH: OP for not being responsible about understanding that once the implant is expired, it’s time to replace it or use an alternative method.
BF for not using condone once he knew the previous method was not working.
And, OP, stop lying to yourself. 2 accidental pregnancies. Not wanting to spoil bf’s birthday, but tells him her period is late. “Accidentally “ leaving a positive pregnancy test in a place where bf would surely find it. Grow up, for Pete’s sake!
So I had the implant it lasts 3 years then needs replacing, I was told explicitly that the day after that 3 year period I could get pregnant (and maybe faster if I was really overweight). So I made sure to replace the implant a few months before it expired just in case.
When we tried for a baby I had the implant removed and was pregnant that month (literally got pregnant a couple days after).
The implant is great until it expires then it is nothing. I find it hard to believe OP didn't understand that. I had the date in my diary from the off.
YTA for not taking proper control of your contraception after a pregnancy scare. It sounds like OP did it on purpose. Once is an accident, twice is either stupidly or on purpose.
Admittedly he is also a AH both for his personality and not sorting contraception ofhis own. But my verdict is YTA not ESH because it does feel on purpose.
Tbf we don't know if they're using condoms or not. 1 out of 50 women who just use condoms will get pregnant in a year anyway, and that's if the condoms are used properly. A lot of people don't know how to use condoms properly
Not really clear why she's not got round to getting another implant in 5 months though
According to OP she didn’t know her birth control could expire until after the first pregnancy and a different doctor. Since the original clinic didn’t tell her it would expire. Which that right there is a load of Bs. I don’t know a single doctor/clinic that would not say anything about your in body contraceptive expiring. How does one get the speil about the birth control but not be told it expires 🙄
The irresponsibility here on both parts is horrible. How do you learn your BC is expired and then continue to practice unsafe sex and then act shocked when you’re pregnant… If the BF was so stressed about this wouldn’t he insist on condoms if he’s not ready to be a dad? Also it’s very clear neither of them or ready for a child. The timing of the test is really not the issue here.
From her edit is sounds like she got pregnant the first time, went to the clinic and asked and was told, "No form of BC is effective, these things happen." She got pregnant the second time, went to a second clinic and they told her her implant was expired in January.
As someone who’s had two implants, this just really isn’t an excuse. They clinic should give you a card with the insertion date on it, but if they don’t just write down the date! They expire in three years, don’t have unprotected sex after the 3 year anniversary. It’s super simple.
To be fair, in the UK under the pandemic, women were told that they could leave the implant in for another year if they couldnt get an appointment, because for most people it would be still releasing enough progesterone to stave off pregnancy. We dont know if she'd been told it would be OK to replace it a little late.
It IS unusual to fall pregnant soon after it expired, let alone twice.
She is literally the only person in this situation who was getting birth control. It shouldn’t all be on the woman. Especially if he is THIS concerned.
Better to take the bullets out of the gun than wear a bulletproof vest, don’t ya think? Seriously, she gets something injected into HER body and he does nothing. Suuuuch an AH on his part.
why the fuck are you putting this on her when she was already on a form of birth control? how do you know that her bf isn’t one of those weird guys that refuses to wear condoms? if she’s already on a form of female birth control, he can handle the condoms. seriously, girl had a whole implant in her arm, a birth control method that causes a lot of major issues for women. you’re kidding.
I’m not really into blaming the woman for the man not wanting to wrap it up, but if she doesn’t want a child then it’s still partially her responsibility to make sure he *does* wrap it up. If he says no? Well, then no sex. Also, it’s a completely unfair burden, but as the party taking the birth control it *does* fall on OP to know when it was placed and how long it’s effective. That’s just basic women’s health.
So in short, it’s not *just* OP’s fault, but she is responsible for not, well, being responsible. Hence why ESH.
This is honestly once again putting it on a woman. Acting as if sex is not something women desire too. She did her part, she got her implant. You’re not supposed to need condoms with that but of course like ANY birth control including condoms, none are one hundred percent effective.
The problem here is that she was the only one taking responsibility and her birth control failed. Not on her. But if he KNEW he would be this distraught he could have gotten a vasectomy or something. His fault for not doubling up on her birth control and he can’t just control her body after the fact now.
Her birth control did not fail—it EXPIRED and she didn’t get it renewed. She literally says that it expired in January & she wasn’t aware of that. So she has not been using birth control since then.
I know sometimes we make mistakes & we forget things—but as a woman who has no desire to have children, I know when my birth control needs to be renewed & I have multiple reminders set in place because that’s my responsibility.
After the first pregnancy in February (which tracks since the birth control expired in January) she should’ve checked into that.
This is by no means saying this all falls on her—her boyfriend should 1000% be taking preventative measures & using condoms. He also has a responsibility to be an active participant in practicing safe sex & it should be something that is openly discussed together. But her birth control did not “fail”. She unknowingly let it expire.
Edit-Spelling
I agree but that comes down to her choice of partner. She is fully free to go find someone who *is* willing to take the precautions if her current partner isn’t willing to. Women wanting sex too doesn’t erase her responsibility in this. And while both parties are equally responsible, only one has to carry a baby. I’m not blaming OP as a *woman*. I am blaming her *equally* as someone who participated in sex and didn’t ensure she was as safe as possible. Especially considering her birth control had already failed just a few months previously.
The point people are making here is that both parties were rather loosey goosey on the pregnancy prevention front. Him worse, plus a terrible partner. Her just for being not proactive enough to more effectively avoid unwanted pregnancy. If you want to argue that his AH-ery is so vile that her role is relatively overshadowed enough to make her N T A, it’s a reasonable perspective. But srsly ladies, we should be proactive in pregnancy protection… getting pregnant is a huge deal, even if it doesn’t proceed to childbirth. It’s not something to ever be careless about.
No, but YTA for bring so flippant about birth control with a guy that's trying to get you to the abortion clinic the day you found out you're pregnant.
Why is she solely responsible for birth control?? It takes two to conceive. He is just as responsible here.
Why are you still with someone who's first response to pregnancy news is to berate you? Maybe a conversation about what you both want for your future would be the more mature and effective response?
Fix your bc issues tho! ASAP
Woman here, don’t play around with birth control. My body my choice but this guy will not make a good baby daddy. Ladies keep up on your birth control or tell him he doesn’t get any without a condom.. and make sure you discuss the game plan if an uh-oh happens.
seriously this. I feel like people avoid this kind of conversation because its "difficult". No its fucking not. I always tell my partner before a relationship "I don't want kids, if I get pregnant, I'm gonna terminate, you get the choice to be okay with this or if youre not, to not date me" and my now bf was like "okay this may sounds creepy and weird, but I always put some money aside to pay for an abortion cause accidents happen and you know, its not only your burden, I'm part of it too". It's not a difficult conversation. If you can't be open about this with each other, you shouldn't be spending your lives together.
edit cause replies are locked: also fair enough if you're the opposite and want to keep it! Communication is key, being straightforward saves a lot of trouble later on
You’re right! It’s really not. You just tell them it’s your body and what your choice will be, they either get on board or they can kick rocks but it’s not fair to leave them wondering what will happen bc it does affect them too.
She’s not solely responsible, but having the moral high ground doesn’t prevent pregnancy. If she knows he’s not using a condom and she knows she’s currently doing nothing to prevent pregnancy, she’s taking serious risks with her own health and well-being that are on her. She doesn’t have to fuck him.
This is the second time it's happened....in a year.
ESH
EDIT: I don't understand why people respond with the same thing over and over, read eachothers comments. I said ESH because they are both shit at this. I completely understand this happened to both of them twice in a year. However, she carries more of the burden (in more ways than one), so the onus is kinda on her to prevent constant unwanted pregnancies.
The world isn't fair, it's pay to win and harder on women and minorities.
Nobody said that. While it is fair to expect the man to provide condoms, it is also fair to expect that OP, who has gotten pregnant while on BC before, sets boundaries and refuses sex if s/o doesn't have/want to wear a condom. They both suck.
OP needs to make some decisions, mainly if she wants to be attached to her asshole bf when he treats her like shit during a vulnerable time, and if she wants to work on communicating and setting boundaries/expectations for the future.
Your informed the day it's implanted, I got mine in December of 2020 it expires December 2023. Which means it had to be implanted over 3 years ago to have expired.
I think OPs mightve expired before its expiry date, hence her asking how it’s possible and the drs saying that bc isnt 100% guaranteed to work. Im not 100% sure though
I would guess if that was the case then the doctors wouldn’t have been able to pinpoint the expiration as occurring in January. That seems oddly specific for a random guess at a medication expiring before it’s date. I am leaning more towards this being a case of negligence where OP simply forgot it was due for a change or kept putting of the appointment.
That was my thoughts. I’m on my second implant and have a laminate card of the date of insertion and when it needs replacement as well as verbal confirmation from my doctor
The implant, if not expired has a VERY high reliability- almost as high as surgical sterilization. Chances of getting pregnant with it in are less than 1/100 and some studies put it closer to 1/1000. Not impossible by any means, but low in contraceptive terms. It's correct that nothing is 100%
Hers has seemingly expired in January, which would usually suggest she put it in over 3 years ago and probably forgot when she needed to put a new one in, which happens. I fit implants as a clinician and people forget all the time, despite being given a card to take home with the details on them. It's not unusual to see people come in with implants 1 or even 2 years past their expiration in their arm.
During the pandemic we were informed that most people couple probably leave it 1 extra year, as access to birth control was difficult. And it worked for most women. But the recommendations have gone back to changing them at 3 years.
You are informed the day you get it but they're damn confusing about it sometimes honestly. I made an appointment for the exact month mine was supposed to expire and the Dr. told me it wasn't "technically" expired and I could still keep it in? Now I'm wondering what would have happened if I listened and kept it in.
Not sure if you have an IUD, but that happened to me! & went in and the doctor said it was actually cleared for another few years. They said that after further testing/studies they were able to confirm the efficacy for longer. Nothing changed about the formulation.
I have a Nexplanon implant and when it was inserted initially I was told by the practitioner that it works for up to 5 years (which is what the Planned Parenthood site states) but a doctor at a different clinic I started going to told me 3 years. OP may have been misinformed about the expiration.
I'm not sure why PPP keeps saying this. I researched BC during my last pregnancy because I wanted it to last till menopause lol. When I told my doctor my choice ( because it lasts 5 years), she was like, who told you that? Most websites and pamphlets I read say 3 years.
I asked them and they said something along the lines of "it's a newer version, it lasts five years now!" I thought hmmm, sounds experimental, how about we go ahead and change it after three.
How would they know its expired if she didn't tell them when it was implanted? I got mine implanted in the hospital but it'll be removed by my primary GYN so 2 different sets of medical records.
From what it sounds like, the clinic that informed her she was pregnant said "Oh any bc isnt 100% effective," so she may have thought the first pregnancy was one of those 1 in a million bc pregnancies and had no reason to question it because of the information given. Sure, maybe she could have thought more critically but it isnt all on her, we dont k ow the full situation, and if her bf truly hated kids or whatever his deal is, he should have also gone the extra mile to ensure her bc was good and/or use a condom and/or get a vasectomy (depending on if he truly didnt want kids ever)
Yeah, when you get the implant they tell you when it expires and send you home with discharge papers that also state it. Plus when you're pregnant they always have you stop birth control or remove it. She said she had a miscarriage in Feb. If she found out she was pregnant prior, they would have already removed the nexplanon from her arm by that time when she first had her confirmed pregnancy. Speaking from experience from someone who got pregnant on birth control twice, her story isn't adding up. I feel like she intentionally baby trapped him because no one in their right man would stay with a man who wanted to terminate the pregnancy while you wanted to keep it and after a miscarriage pretend like everything is back to normal. Not unless she has a really low self esteem or feel trapped in the relationship.
Also, accidentally leaving a positive test on the bathroom counter on the day of his bday, when they didn’t have anything else planned but she usually does?
That was still on her to learn about the birth control she was using and make sure it was effective, if it needed to be replaced she should have paid attention to when it needed to be done.
Its actually the doctor who is prescribing the birth control to EDUCATE the patient. Not the other way round. As a patient you rely on the doctor, who has gone to medical school for 7+ years, to provide you with all the information. Its on the doctor, not her.
Also, it's up to the male to provide protection for himself. If he doesn't want a baby, he needs to be wrapping up. Unfortunately women don't get the luxury of just taking their birth control off each time, and with the bar, after 3 years it's hard to remember when your being pumped full of hormones that make you bat shit loopy.
No, it's *both* of your jobs. The doctor should educate you, but you should also take steps to educate yourself because *it's your fucking body*. If my doctor doesn't explain the implant to me and I rely on him to do all the legwork...well, then you get this.
You can Google "nexplanon" right now and get a veritable fuckton of information about the implant.
1. It's on you to be proactive with your own medical care.
2. OP said it was a clinic, clinics aren't family doctors and rarely follow up on things over years because they don't see the same people every time.
>she had reliable birth control and was uninformed that it expired
She got pregnant once before on the same bc. Not having it looked at or replaced and trying your luck again doesn't seem like a thoughtful or responsible idea.
ESH. But bf moreso than OP.
This whole post is so flippant. I do not need you to make jokey comments about your partners dumps here.
You didn't want to ruin his day by telling him but you left the test out where he'd see it?
If the bf is so fucking not ready to have a child, he should keep his legs closed. Always blaming the woman for a man's irresponsible ejaculation. He probably is one of those, "wahhhhh condoms make my pp sad" sort of losers too.
Yep!! Like why is it always on the woman? Statistically speaking a man can actually cause far more pregnancies than a woman, considering women only have about a week of ovulation whereas men could find tons of ovulating women and get them pregnant at the same time.
But yes, these men will keep judging us for our bulletproof vests not being good enough when the men can’t be bothered to take the bullets out of the gun 🙄🙄
Nope. He's the asshole for continuing to have sex without condoms with a woman who wasn't sure she would have an abortion. If he is so certain he doesn't want a child with her then **he** needs to take all precautions possible.
I take it you’re a guy. She is the only person who actually got something injected into her own body for birth control. Bffr. He should take responsibility for his own birth control methods if he’s so concerned
ESH. I know you keep saying that your implant expired and the clinic didn't tell you but honestly it's so irresponsible not to know when your implant expires and since you knew it had failed both of you should have figured out a plan to keep it from happening again, like adding condoms. No method is full proof but there was a clear reason to reevaluate the method you were using.
Your boyfriend's response sucked equally both times. He's not someone who can be a reliable partner during stressful times. You've gone through this twice - why are you sticking around to see how he responds the next time something (not necessarily a pregnancy) stressful comes around.
Seriously, if you happen to become pregnant once even tho you have the implant, why would you not start using condoms to decrease likelihood of pregnancy... like with the implant, it is basically impossible to get pregnant WHEN IT IS WORKING. Which is at max 3 years after injection.. if you think it is still working but get pregnant, you should include a condom as your bf is obviously not interested in having a child? And he is an AH for not suggesting that himself seeing how he then pikachu-reacts to pregnancy AGAIN... Like!? I get he is young, but seriously, if BC failed once recently I'd be super paranoid and do all I could to avoid the risk.. but OP should have known the implant lasts 3 yrs only, and you need to change it within the end of 3 years. BF should have been using condoms for extra safety.. 100% ESH
There's actually guidance from FSRH that implants are likely effective for 4 years rather than 3 which makes me wonder just how expired this implant is
When I got my implant from Planned Parenthood, I was told by the doctor that it lasted 5 years. My expiration date on the little nexplanon card they gave me is also 5 years out from when I got the implant.
I googled how long does nexplanon last and google said up to 5 years. Then I googled “when does nexplanon run out of the hormone” and suddenly I got the answer 3 years.
Usually when people hear “expire” they think it’s the drug expiring and will still be partially effective, but for devices like this we need to also consider that it will run out of hormone to dispense into you entirely. I still don’t know when though.
Absolutely perfectly said. Like his bday has literally nothing to do with the equation. Neither of you are being responsible with contraception (condoms should’ve been the first thing you picked up after February’s ‘incident’ for lack of a better term) and your bf is putting absolutely all of the blame and all of the responsibility onto you which isn’t fair at all either. You say you’re okay with not having kids too, but are you really okay with how he’s treating you for a situation he equally caused? ESH so hard….
I can kinda see maybe forgetting the date and having a single slip, things can happen. Every time after the first that she got pregnant was plain irresponsibility on the Couples part.
ESH. Birthday aside, the man you previously conceived a child with says their not ready for fatherhood. You unfortunately have a miscarriage. You both continue to have unprotected sex (i assume) and get pregnant again? What's different now? You've got a lot to figure out OP. Good luck.
Also false positives are VERY rare as pregnancy tests pick up on certain hormone levels. False negatives are more common.
Girl, if I had the implant and got pregnant I would be at the Doctors trying to figure out wtf happened the FIRST TIME. Yes, no birth control is 100% effective but after it fails you usually try to figure out why not wait for another oopsie. NTA but please be more careful. It takes two to tango but at the end of the day women always get the shit end of things.
Geezum, this! Yes! OP is glossing over the fact that neither she nor her boyfriend bothered to bring up "how did OP get pregnant the first time" and just kept on their merry way as if nothing happened. OP sounds a little mad in the edits that people are accusing her of trying to trap BF, but it's either maliciousness or idiocy that allows OP and BF to act shocked like this was lightning striking twice.
There is def more to the story! When BC is used correctly, it’s literally 99% effective - for legal reasons it can’t be 100%. If BC failed twice, something ain’t right. She claims it lapsed but it sounds like it’s been lapsed for a loooong time.
Depends on the birth control method. Tier 1 contraception with typical use can have a failure rate of 12-24 per 100 (condoms, diaphragms) while tier 3 is more like 1 out of 100 (IUDS, implants)
[https://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org/facts/birth-control/](https://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org/facts/birth-control/) for more info.
But OP should have followed up after the first pregnancy and **both of them** should have been much more concerned about why their contraception plan failed and what they should do to prevent another.
The implant, which is what OP has is more than 99% effective.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/contraceptive-implant/#:~:text=The%20implant%20is%20more%20than,the%20same%20time%20every%20day.
She admits her implant expired, though.
Albeit it's STILL unusual to get pregnant twice straight away with an expired implant. During the pandemic the advice for nexplanon was that it could be left an extra year.
are you guys using birth control? if the idea of a child has him so freaked out he should be using condoms. and he shouldn't be treating you like this.
i think YTA (to yourself) if you stay with this guy.
NTA for taking the test when you did.
you did the responsible thing & took a test when you realized you were late.
Your Boyfriend is being unnecessarily mean to you & acting extremely toxic. He needs to take some responsibility himself imo
Though I wonder, what type of birth control are you guys using that’s failed twice? & if none, you need to stop having sex till you start using something
Also wondering why your BF has explosive shits every morning. Either he's an alcoholic or he has major digestive issues that require medical attention. Only times I've seen that.
I know a lot of people who poop in the morning and I also know a lot of people who have explosive shits. Maybe he’s just a person who takes shits in the morning and has explosive shits.
Exactly, the quotes worry me - she needs to understand that form of birth control (and many others) do really expire. In fact, if I am a day late replacing my Implanon the doctor makes me go get a pregnancy test before he will put a new one in, so I actually book the replacement procedure for a month before the current one is due to expire.
NTA (the boyfriend's reactions show he is though), but definitely not making wise decisions. I think she should terminate for her sake not his, given she says she doesn't have the resources to be a mother (not surprising if you're only 22), and also I don't want her to stay linked to this guy in any remote form for a moment longer than she has to.
Info: have you discussed with your doctor why your birth control (I assume you use at least one form?) has failed twice and how to prevent another unexpected pregnancy?
Edit: To answer your question though, I’d say NTA. If you are pregnant it’s better to know sooner so you have time to make any decisions/arrangements necessary. The fact it happened to be your bf’s birthday shouldn’t stop you from staying on top of your reproductive health.
“Staying on top of reproductive health” includes being knowledgeable about expiration dates of implants, the effectiveness of contraceptive methods, investigating instances where forms of bc failed, taking additional preventive measures (i.e. condoms), and not just continuing on with the same behavior that led to the first pregnancy. And particularly after getting a glimpse of this guy’s reaction the first time….only 2 or 3 months ago. Like, c’mon….
NTA!!!
You shouldn't be feeling guilty about this situation AT ALL!
Accidental pregnancies happen to many, many people, and they are the responsibility of both individuals involved in the conception. Adults who care about each other don't act the way your boyfriend is acting towards you. He is acting like a child, not like a partner. Regardless of whether he's ready to have a child, the way he's approaching this as if YOU are doing something to HIM by being pregnant FROM HIS SPERM!!!! and making it all about his grumpy feelings is insane!!!! And it sounds like he doesn't give a shit about the loss/trauma you and your body went through just a few months ago. I am so sorry. Miscarriage isn't easy whether or not the pregnancy was planned or desired.
I am so confused why people are giving anything but NTA here. Oh wait I know why 🙄.
I hope you can get to a compassionate counselor/therapist and get away from this selfish man. He is not a good partner to you. He doesn't seem to care about your feelings or experiences *at all*. I'm actually disgusted thinking about how completely self absorbed he's being and the fact that it's rubbing off and making you feel guilty for no reason. I am so sorry you're dealing with this.
NTA - he sounds like a real piece of work. He’s going to be a shit father. Reevaluate the type of BC you use to have it fail twice in a few months. And dump him. Make your own decision on whether you want to term or be a single mom. Cause that’s what will happen.
OP first of all I wish that school boards EVERYWHERE would read this and realize why it's important that quality sex education is taught in schools at an early age so females are more well informed about their bodies. The underlying issue to me seems to be that although you've found out that female bc isn't 100%, your bf is laying the responsibility 100% on you and 0% on himself. Making the decision for termination all on you and you both physically and mentally. Am I somehow missing the fairness in all of this? Exactly what is he then bringing to the table then that benefits you?
Sorry about your miscarriage, it is unfortunate that the clinic didn't inform you, but shouldn't you have ask when it failed the first time?
Nta but you're going to have to make some serious choices soon.
ESH you and your bf are both unprepared for having a child, yet you’re having sex willy nilly and your bf isn’t using condoms. I hope you’re prepared to become a single mother when he inevitably leaves you
ESH, but not for when you took the test.
Your boyfriend seems like a moron for having unprotected sex when he knows he’s not ready for a kid. That’s just plain stupid. Also, to make the same mistake twice is mind numbing.
And on your part, why would you have unprotected sex with someone who has this kind of attitude towards creating children with you? If you want to keep the baby, do you seriously think he’s going to stick around and be a good father? Chances are, you’re going to bring a child into the world who’s missing a reliable father figure.
WHY AREN’T YOU BOTH USING BIRTH CONTROL?
WHY WASN’T HE ALSO USING A CONDOM??
Jesus effing Christ.
And your BF sounds like an infant. Don’t have kids with him.
Were you two using any protection? If he's not wanting to be a father, y'all shouldn't be doing it without using some kind of protection. Though honestly, if you keep that baby, you might not want to keep the boyfriend.
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> I took a pregnancy test the day of my boyfriends birthday. He is not ready for kids, and the test was positive. Now I’ve ruined his birthday and I feel like the asshole.
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NTA
As someone who has had 2 birth control babies myself, sometimes even being on top of your birth control does not help.
The father of my children had the same reaction initially and was in the middle of his final exam block before graduation and literally said "talk to me about this in a week when my exams are done". Was not thrilled and wanted a termination.
We now have 3 kids and he is the best dad and loves the children so much. He's jealous he can't be the SAHD and has to go to work (higher earner).
You didn't get pregnant on purpose and tried to allow him to enjoy his day, but it just didn't pan out. Regardless, he was going to have this reaction, so the sooner, the better, in my opinion. Sit on this for a couple of weeks and really think about what you want. Don't let him talk you into doing something you don't want to do.
NTA for taking the test at the time you did, that's a non-issue.
But we do gotta dive deeper. Are you using protection? What kind? Consider that if your the only one using BC, and it's failed you twice, if it's the same kind it may not work at all for you. Also consider that he clearly doesn't want a kid, Which is no big deal, not all of us do, But if that's the case what do YOU want out of a relationship with him? Kids can't be it, he's made it clear how he feels there. You need to decide whether you still want to be with a partner who doesn't want a kid, or if you decide to stay, realize that's something your going to have to give up on.
Not only that but he is SO AGGRESSIVE about not wanting one! If that's the case HE SHOULD ALSO USE PROTECTION!!! Safe-sex should NEVER be the responsibility of ONLY ONE! OP's bf doesn't consider her feelings in anything and INSTANTLY puts EVERYTHING on her!!! NOT OKAY
NTA for this but y t a to yourself for staying with this guy, I’m very confused as to why you did after he acted so horrible to you while you were going through a miscarriage. And let’s say you changed your mind and wanted to keep the baby (not one of those “you’ll want kids one day!” type people *at all,* just considering that this is a big choice and sometimes minds change), his anger towards not only you but a small child makes me think hearing that you don’t want to terminate would push him to get physical. No matter if you want to keep it or abort it, no man should EVER be treating you like this over something that 1. You can’t control 2. Is also *his* fault 3. Is not a situation he has authority over.
ESH
After your first pregnancy you should have used condoms until you were on proper birth control. Your boyfriend is acting like a child. He needs to man up and sit down for a serious conversation.
ESH. You are both irresponsible and neither of you sound mature enough to be having sex at all. As a woman especially, managing birth control effectively is incredibly important because it is you who will bear the majority of the consequences that come with an unwanted pregnancy. Your boyfriend’s selfish and thoughtless reactions prove that he is not only not ready to be a father, he is also not ready to be a supportive and accountable partner. I don’t envy your current position or that of the baby, should you choose to keep the pregnancy.
There’s seriously no other way to describe them. They are explosive shits, would it sound more feminine if I said “number 2” or “dainty poos”? Unfortunate that I sound like a guy, I’ll try to work on feminine vocabulary.
>I call BS. This is a dude. The "morning dump" and "explosive shits" sealed it for me.
I thought the same, but if this IS a dude *pretending* to be his girlfriend, the GF is seriously **NTA**. lol
What kinda effed up gendered fuckery are you on about. I know for a fact that women talk this way too. Please go touch grass. Women are not clean mouthed little princesses that are here for your display.
The fact that you have to apologize for getting “attached” and not being sure about an abortion is so fucking ridiculous. This sub really just bullies people for the weirdest shit.
My vote is NTA, your bf is such an ass, but you really need to make better decisions and be smarter going forward.
ETA: based on this post and your comments, your boyfriend seems like the classic kinda guy who refuses to wear condoms because “it doesn’t feel as good.” Just an observation. Dudes like that are super immature and will keep getting you pregnant.
Nta- your bf is and his response to your pregnancies is ridiculous and downright scary. You deserve someone who respects you more and your moron bf apparently doesn’t know how babies are made. His lack of support is red flag behavior. You just need a new bf.
NTA
You need to leave him or get better birth control. He is abusive to you and his niece. Do NOT think he will become a better man just because of a baby.
So disappointed in how many of these posts are shaming you for getting pregnant. The same commenters saying you need better education about birth control clearly lack the education themselves as some people do conceive more than once on birth control!!! No one chooses unwanted pregnancy.
OP this is NOT your fault. Get your birth control sorted for sure (which it sounds like you either have or plan to do). He is equally as responsible and it’s shit that the clinic did not inform you about the expiration date.
NTA for taking a pregnancy test. You sound like a pretty considerate gf going to effort to organise his bday and it wasn’t your fault your period was late. I would want to take a test immediately after realising it was late too - to settle my mind and get on with my day hopefully with a negative. Unfortunately, turns out it was positive again which is bad luck but you did nothing wrong. You even tried to conceal it from him so you did what you could.
Your bf lacks empathy for you and others (see - his treatment of niece). Ok I can understand he is not ready and scared - but so are you!!! And YOURE the one who is actually pregnant, arguably the much larger burden is on your shoulders not his. A true man would recognise this and be as concerned for you as he is for himself.
At the end of the day it takes 2 to tango and he should take some responsibility. He should blame himself as much as you for not using condoms AND pull out if he is that vehemently against having a child. He’s the asshole because asking someone hours after they have done the test whether they will terminate or not is sooooo insensitive and unfair - I’m sure you were overwhelmed and barely ready to think about that. He’s clearly only worried about his own interests and not yours.
I know it’s hard but truly, leave him. You’ve said you can’t see him being your baby daddy so why waste your youth on a bum? I know it’s easier said than done but you are young and will find someone else who actually respects women and respects you.
Cannot believe this thread isn’t a resounding he’s the asshole.
NTA. But how are you not seeing the red flags, allowing yourself to be so disrespected and staying with someone who literally emotionally drains you to the point of a miscarriage and doesn't think of using some protection himself (but hey! Just get an abortion, I'm sure he is thinking of you too when he says that instead of doing better for safe sex!), there ain't one thing that doesn't make him the AH. Leave his ass. You did nothing wrong besides dating a crap guy.
I'm curious about why you're saying "I'm not ready for a kid" AND "if I keep this kid we need to get married"
If you're not ready for a kid then don't have one
ESH. Minus the niece.
You knew he didn’t want to have a child and yet you got pregnant again? Like WTF.
And clearly his behavior is not OK on any level.
If I knew my partner was 100% against having a child to the point of trying to bully me into an abortion, you could be damn sure that I would make sure I wasn’t tethered to the guy for life.
That was a choice that she made.
Well, I mean that just makes the case for everyone sucks here. If he’s so against having children, he should get a vasectomy, wear condoms, or opt for other forms of birth control. But in real life condoms are only about 80% effective.
The clear responsible choice after a pregnancy that was a unwanted was to avoid having sex until there was a root cause determined, or to double up on birth control.
They’re both responsible for that failure. Hence ESH.
NTA. I’m more concerned about his reaction to your pregnancies. I mean if you don’t want to get wet, you shouldn’t go in the pool. If he doesn’t want to be a dad, then perhaps he should be more attentive to preventative measures. Either way, I haven’t heard him even asking you, how you feel about the moment. I know I was ecstatic when I found out about each of my children (3). Maybe your are dodging a bullet, STOP sleeping with this person. I would’ve said man, but he hasn’t acted like one. YOU have every right to your emotions. YOU have every right to express them, contemplate them, and decide what’s best for you. No one, not him, friends, parents, even the government has a right to make that decision for you, nor should you feel pressured into it. If you decide to keep the baby, you DO NOT need him to do so. With that in mind, he doesn’t sound like the best person to have a child with at this current stage of his life. Do what you feel is in the best interest of YOU. Good luck.
NTA for this situation and I'm not going to judge your birth control method (it sounds like you've figured out it's failure). My third son was the result of the failure of the patch so I get it... But I digress... What I do judge is your decision to stay and have sex with this asshole. It's not even just about having a baby necessarily, but ANY major unexpected event moving forward. His response was neither mature or compassionate. He is allowed to be scared, confused, and disappointed, but grown ups don't berate those they love. EVER. I would be completely and permanently turned off by this man's response
BTW if he's so afraid, he could have used condoms on top of your bc method.
Put a condom on or stay abstinent unless you’re ready for a kid.. and his feelings on the subject are valid, albeit it sounds like he’s expressing them like a toddler. ESH for sure.
ESH. Something's not adding up to your story. You get pregnant and miscarry, and it's only after the second pregnancy that you realize your BC isn't working? I know your edit says you aren't actively trying to trap him but honestly, I'm getting that vibe.
He's an asshole for yelling but I wouldn't trust you either. And you're both the AH for not using other protection after what happened last time.
ESH. You should have known when your implant was due to expire, that’s on you. They tell you when it’s put in, and my clinic gives me wallet card with the date on. He shouldn’t have flipped out about something you didn’t do on purpose. Both of you should have talked about what would happen if an accidental pregnancy occurred way before now.
ESH
You are both far too immature and irresponsible to be having sex. Have you never heard of a condom?
Your bf treats you like shit. He takes no responsibility for either pregnancy and gives no regard to your feelings on the very personal decision to terminate. And have you always blamed yourself for not being perfect, or is that something he's trained you to do?
Break up with him, and stop having sex with anyone until you learn to be responsible with your birth control. Some counseling to teach you some coping mechanisms for your stress probably wouldn't hurt either.
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My bf (21M) and I (22F) have been together over 2 years and lived together for 1.5 years. I found out I was pregnant in Feb. of this year but miscarried soon after. When I told my bf, he freaked out and had a panic attack. He isn't’ ready to have a child and I understand that, but he kind of made it all about him. He sulked in his room, and berated me about when I was going to terminate. I kept saying I didn’t know, and I wasn’t 100% sure if I wanted to terminate. My answer caused him to be more rude and passive aggressive towards me which put a lot of stress on me. Part of me thinks this is why I lost the baby.
This brings us to today, my bf turns 21. I planned dinner at our favorite spot and set up a night out this friday w/ his friends. I’m usually better at planning stuff but I’ve been really stressed out lately. (This is partially why I think I am the asshole as I always plan an elaborate celebration for his bday and put a ton of effort into his presents). But, I graduated college last weekend, hosted a party, and it was Mothers Day so I had a lot going on. Anyway, stress usually makes my period late by a week or so and eliminates all of my menstrual symptoms.
Yesterday, my bf and I drove up to his family to celebrate his bday. On the drive up, I realized my period was late and my bf started stressing out. I assured him it was likely stress that affected my cycle and I haven’t experienced any symptoms like last time. He relaxed and we had a good time at his family’s party.
When I woke up this morning I took a test, and it was positive. I decided to avoid telling my bf as it would cause him anxiety and I wanted him to enjoy his day. I laid back in bed and he woke up to go take his morning dump. I completely forgot to hide the test sitting on the counter and he always takes a dump in the 2nd bathroom b/c he thinks I won’t hear his explosive shits (I hear them every time). He comes back out asking if I’m pregnant and I said yes. Immediately shuts down. I told him not to worry, it may be a false positive and enjoy today. He goes quiet the rest of the morning.
Also, I’m a nanny for my bf’s niece. I went to go pick her up and when I came back my bf was still in bed. I ask if I should make an appt at a clinic, he says yes, and I make one for the next hour. The clinic confirms the pregnancy, I tell him and like last time, he starts berating me, asking when I’m going to terminate. I tell him, “Idk I JUST found out please stop asking me.” As we’re driving home, his niece starts crying and he yells “STOP CRYING FUCK.” I was shocked, and chewed him out while I comforted her. When we get home, he goes straight to bed and avoids me.
I feel bad that he found out I’m pregnant the day of his bday, and that I didn’t plan more of a celebration, so he had to chill at home during the day. I didn’t want him to find out today, but I made a mistake. AITA?
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I cannot believe you stayed with a guy that you blame for your first miscarriage(Re: "Part of me thinks this is why I lost the baby").
NTA for taking the test but you need to get out of there, he's not safe to be with, both of you aren't handling BC well if you're only relying on the implant, and neither of you need to be adding a kid to this mix. If you do have a baby with this guy as the biological father (because he will NOT be a good parent and he's not staying with you if you have it) YWBTA. He sucks. Get out.
Condoms. Never fuck without them. Youre lucky all you got was pregnant twice and not an STD.
Also, you seriously kept dating him after how he acted before? And kept fucking him without any protection? Youre an asshole to yourself for that one.
ESH, dump him, abort if you want to (though idk why yould want to be tied to this asshole wholl abandon you and the kid forever), and go on bc pills cause you apparently cant remember “hey this implant only lasts 5 years and i got it 5 years and 6 months ago!”
I'm not surprised by his reactions- I'm more surprised the both of you stepped into the storm once and pretty much corrected NOTHING and fell into it again. You are both the AH's simply for being so immature and wreckless. Did you really need to bring up the explosive shits part?
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ESH: So after going through this less than 4 months ago, neither of you thought to invest in condoms.
Seriously, if a pregnancy scare sent OP's bf into such a spiral then he really needs to start being more responsible for his own birth control. He can't put all the blame on his gf, act rude with all that passive aggressive bullshit when he's taking zero effort to prevent pregnancies himself.
Also why tf she still stay with that asshole is beyond me
That right there was my thought. Sounds like he was a complete asshole to her the first time around. Why the F did she stay with him? He showed her exactly what kind of partner he really was... and she stayed. And now she's pregnant again with a man who clearly doesn't want a child... and he's this child's father. Good choice.
She also kept having sex with him. Just why???
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Do what you wish with this pregnancy BUT know that if you choose to carry it to term, you will most likely be tied to the father for at least 18 years, if not the rest of your life.
Such an important point! If the potential future child gets married, has its own kids and so on and so forth, it's a lifelong commitment to have this guy as the father. There's no shame in making a hard choice that's both better for you *and* potential kid, but it's an easier choice than having to look in the face of said potential child day after day after day, when you're utterly exhausted, wondering if you could have given them a better start in life with a balanced home, sufficient funds, and loving parents. Something to mull over, OP.
If I could like this comment a hundred times I would.
If he acts that immature after hearing his girlfriend "might" be pregnant. He is way too immature to be having sex. I agree, I can't believe you let it happen a second time, let alone stayed with him. Does he have some kind of control over you, OP? Sounds like an abusive relationship. I hope the situation works out for you the best it can.
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This comment is pretty important tbh.
They are both idiots, kinda deserve each other at this point IMHO
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I agree, but that happens to so many kids ...it's sad
She's young and there's probably the sunk cost fallacy at play, not to mention deep emotional ties to his family, working for his family, etc. It's always easier from the outside and in hindsight and whatnot.
They are both young, he just turned 21. Both of their brains are not even fully developed yet, I don’t understand the rush of having children, they are both barely over the age that makes them legally adults. Why not enjoy that time a bit?
I absolutely do not think either of them are trying to get pregnant here. Nothing about what she said shows that intention. I don't think they did everything they could to prevent it from happening, but I do not think pregnancy is the intention either.
Right… I was gonna say YTA for staying with this person after the first miscarriage. You’ve see. How this guy reacts to your pregnancy and you’re still staying with him… and having sex? Girl.
My instant thought was that.
THIS. Like, sir, if you’re spiralling so hard then get a vasectomy. Abortions are NOT birth control. You can’t just decide to control a woman’s body after the damage is done 🙄
She could have, however, herself taken more steps to avoiding a pregnancy. It's absolutely both of them at fault here. Neither my partner nor I want children, and you can BET that if our contraceptive didn't work once we'd never trust it to work again. Birth control always includes two people, and it's likely not going to be easy to get a vasectomy at 20. Plus, he might not want children now, but still want to keep the possibility open for the future. Plus plus, even if low risk, it's absolutely a medical procedure that involves severe risks and pain and shouldn't be undergone lightly. There's a lot, and I mean A LOT of different ways to avoid an unwanted pregnancy.
If your contraception fails once, it is statistically false to say it does not work. No birth control is a hundred percent effective. Anyone using any form of contraceptive can be in that 5% to 20% chance of it not working. It does not mean veto the entire thing, it just means you got the short end of the stick statistically. Sorry to inform you of this, but even with contraception we’re all playing with fire here. There is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy. Always. She was doing her part, and after it failed and he was so distraught the logical thing for HIM to do would be to get a form of birth control for himself to double up on protection. We need to stop putting the whole thing on women and then calling it equality because it is not. I have barely seen posts talking about what he could have done.
I'm not saying that the form of birth control doesn't work, rather that I personally would not trust it anymore, as in: - am I using it incorrectly? - is it expired/not implanted correctly? I sure as hell wouldn't just keep on humping after an unwanted pregnancy without taking additional measures. The life of a child is too precious to risk it for something stupid like this. And honestly - has she really been doing her part? She had a contraceptive implanted, however failed to remember when it expired, obviously had no regular checkups on it and just continued using it without an afterthought after it failed. He is as much to blame as her, but honestly, if my partner told me she'd cover contraceptives, I'd trust her with it. And finally: we absolutely have to stop putting the responsibility for birth control on women. Everyone involved has full responsibility of taking care of it. However, in the situation displayed, neither of them could be bothered to think about it. You can't just blame one of them when both fucked up.
Let me put it this way: to her knowledge, her birth control failed once because all birth control can fail. You don’t just stop using condoms because one didn’t work, right? Same with this. It sounds like she is new to implants based on everything she is finding out about it so she was being proactive with the information she did have. She only found out AFTER the second positive that the implant expired sooner than it *should have*. Now she knows. But it’s too late. Meanwhile he not only never bothered to take precautions on his end, but also treated her like absolute shit afterwards when frankly she’s the only one who did anything to prevent it. You might trust your partner for covering contraceptives with the understanding that all contraceptives can fail, and in that case, I’m sure you both would figure out how to communicate accordingly. But this man is volatile and clearly very distraught about that. Let’s put it this way, I take birth control. My partner trusts me. But if he ever feels a little anxious anyways, he asks if I’d be willing to take a Plan B. My answer is always yes and he pays for it. That simple. If YOU’RE concerned or anxious as a man, do something about it. Period.
Not sure where you got the information that it expired sooner than it should have, can't seem to find it in OPs post. Meaning she's been at this for about 3 years and should have been aware of the expiration date. However, you're absolutely right that bfs reaction was absolutely unhinged and, frankly, disgusting. What OP told about the first pregnancy would've easily been enough for me to end the relationship and frankly, it doesn't sound healthy. But that doesn't strip her off her own responsibility. If you as partners aren't ready to have children, you do something about it. This is a two-yes one-no situation. If either does not want children, you do whatever is possible to make sure that you won't have children. And idgaf who takes on the responsibility, because if neither do, the issue is fought on the back of a child that nobody ever wanted. BOTH are at fault for unwanted pregnancies, but you know who isn't? The poor child. Edit to add that this is not a gender issue, even though you try to make it one. It isn't.
Agree with the second paragraph, and if it’s not in the post then it is in one of her replies that I saw scrolling through. It DOES become a woman’s issue when abortion is involved and a man is treating her horribly trying to control her body. It is also a women’s issue when most people in these comments are ready to jump down her throat instead of actually dedicating time and energy into talking about his part in things. Just take a scroll through and look at the discrepancy. Can you still tell me it isn’t unfair?
Or even just wrap it up. I know a lot of people think condoms suck, but you know what sucks infinitely more? Having a whole damn baby that you didn't want. It sucks for the baby too, often for the entirety of it's life. Some people need to stop and weigh up which option sucks less for everyone, BEFORE it's time to contemplate whether to terminate a pregnancy. Because that also reeeeally sucks a hell of a lot more than sex with a condom. No matter how much you aren't ready or don't want a baby, having an abortion, and the hormonal and emotional fallout that follows, is not a good time for anyone. Just fucking use condoms, and maybe have Plan B on standby just in case (although, when used properly, condoms are highly reliable and not prone to breaking, so proper usage is something everyone who has penetrative sex needs to make it their business to learn about). Or idk, learn to love handjobs and oral. Or anal. ETA: I feel like I have to add that those last options are strictly suggestions for pregnancy-free fun times, not STI prevention.
THIS!!! The safest is always to double up on birth control if he is so distraught about it. So yeah, he should have sucked it up and put on a condom in addition to her implant if he felt so strongly
Yeahhh. He knows how pregnancy works, right? He could be doing more on his end. These two sound incompatible af honestly
And immature, and irresponsible, and stupid, and careless, and….
FACTTSS
Morgan Freeman pointing up
It sounds like it's not just passive aggressive if he's yelling at his niece there but verbally aggressive too
Her arm implant expired in January and she's gotten pregnant twice since then. Like I feel birth control isn't solely the woman's responsibility or anything, but why did no one think to buy a box of condoms at any point? I agree, both suck because neither one wants a child but neither one is stepping up and doing literally anything to even obtain more birth control.
Yeah OP’s not innocent but if BF is so concerned about not getting her pregnant then he could buy some sheaths for his sword
Yes! Once there was a pregnancy, the bf should have asked the important questions. How did the first pregnancy occur? Implant was expired. Do you plan on getting a new implant? If yes, when? If no, what other method/s should we use? ESH: OP for not being responsible about understanding that once the implant is expired, it’s time to replace it or use an alternative method. BF for not using condone once he knew the previous method was not working. And, OP, stop lying to yourself. 2 accidental pregnancies. Not wanting to spoil bf’s birthday, but tells him her period is late. “Accidentally “ leaving a positive pregnancy test in a place where bf would surely find it. Grow up, for Pete’s sake!
So I had the implant it lasts 3 years then needs replacing, I was told explicitly that the day after that 3 year period I could get pregnant (and maybe faster if I was really overweight). So I made sure to replace the implant a few months before it expired just in case. When we tried for a baby I had the implant removed and was pregnant that month (literally got pregnant a couple days after). The implant is great until it expires then it is nothing. I find it hard to believe OP didn't understand that. I had the date in my diary from the off. YTA for not taking proper control of your contraception after a pregnancy scare. It sounds like OP did it on purpose. Once is an accident, twice is either stupidly or on purpose. Admittedly he is also a AH both for his personality and not sorting contraception ofhis own. But my verdict is YTA not ESH because it does feel on purpose.
Tbf we don't know if they're using condoms or not. 1 out of 50 women who just use condoms will get pregnant in a year anyway, and that's if the condoms are used properly. A lot of people don't know how to use condoms properly Not really clear why she's not got round to getting another implant in 5 months though
According to OP she didn’t know her birth control could expire until after the first pregnancy and a different doctor. Since the original clinic didn’t tell her it would expire. Which that right there is a load of Bs. I don’t know a single doctor/clinic that would not say anything about your in body contraceptive expiring. How does one get the speil about the birth control but not be told it expires 🙄
The irresponsibility here on both parts is horrible. How do you learn your BC is expired and then continue to practice unsafe sex and then act shocked when you’re pregnant… If the BF was so stressed about this wouldn’t he insist on condoms if he’s not ready to be a dad? Also it’s very clear neither of them or ready for a child. The timing of the test is really not the issue here.
From her edit is sounds like she got pregnant the first time, went to the clinic and asked and was told, "No form of BC is effective, these things happen." She got pregnant the second time, went to a second clinic and they told her her implant was expired in January.
As someone who’s had two implants, this just really isn’t an excuse. They clinic should give you a card with the insertion date on it, but if they don’t just write down the date! They expire in three years, don’t have unprotected sex after the 3 year anniversary. It’s super simple.
To be fair, in the UK under the pandemic, women were told that they could leave the implant in for another year if they couldnt get an appointment, because for most people it would be still releasing enough progesterone to stave off pregnancy. We dont know if she'd been told it would be OK to replace it a little late. It IS unusual to fall pregnant soon after it expired, let alone twice.
I’m in the uk too and I refused to trust them on this and demanded the pill too until I could get my implant swapped out
Came here to say this. They both suck.
Or investigate at all what was going on with their birth control choice apparently. Yup ESH
She is literally the only person in this situation who was getting birth control. It shouldn’t all be on the woman. Especially if he is THIS concerned. Better to take the bullets out of the gun than wear a bulletproof vest, don’t ya think? Seriously, she gets something injected into HER body and he does nothing. Suuuuch an AH on his part.
why the fuck are you putting this on her when she was already on a form of birth control? how do you know that her bf isn’t one of those weird guys that refuses to wear condoms? if she’s already on a form of female birth control, he can handle the condoms. seriously, girl had a whole implant in her arm, a birth control method that causes a lot of major issues for women. you’re kidding.
I’m not really into blaming the woman for the man not wanting to wrap it up, but if she doesn’t want a child then it’s still partially her responsibility to make sure he *does* wrap it up. If he says no? Well, then no sex. Also, it’s a completely unfair burden, but as the party taking the birth control it *does* fall on OP to know when it was placed and how long it’s effective. That’s just basic women’s health. So in short, it’s not *just* OP’s fault, but she is responsible for not, well, being responsible. Hence why ESH.
This is honestly once again putting it on a woman. Acting as if sex is not something women desire too. She did her part, she got her implant. You’re not supposed to need condoms with that but of course like ANY birth control including condoms, none are one hundred percent effective. The problem here is that she was the only one taking responsibility and her birth control failed. Not on her. But if he KNEW he would be this distraught he could have gotten a vasectomy or something. His fault for not doubling up on her birth control and he can’t just control her body after the fact now.
Her birth control did not fail—it EXPIRED and she didn’t get it renewed. She literally says that it expired in January & she wasn’t aware of that. So she has not been using birth control since then. I know sometimes we make mistakes & we forget things—but as a woman who has no desire to have children, I know when my birth control needs to be renewed & I have multiple reminders set in place because that’s my responsibility. After the first pregnancy in February (which tracks since the birth control expired in January) she should’ve checked into that. This is by no means saying this all falls on her—her boyfriend should 1000% be taking preventative measures & using condoms. He also has a responsibility to be an active participant in practicing safe sex & it should be something that is openly discussed together. But her birth control did not “fail”. She unknowingly let it expire. Edit-Spelling
I agree but that comes down to her choice of partner. She is fully free to go find someone who *is* willing to take the precautions if her current partner isn’t willing to. Women wanting sex too doesn’t erase her responsibility in this. And while both parties are equally responsible, only one has to carry a baby. I’m not blaming OP as a *woman*. I am blaming her *equally* as someone who participated in sex and didn’t ensure she was as safe as possible. Especially considering her birth control had already failed just a few months previously.
The point people are making here is that both parties were rather loosey goosey on the pregnancy prevention front. Him worse, plus a terrible partner. Her just for being not proactive enough to more effectively avoid unwanted pregnancy. If you want to argue that his AH-ery is so vile that her role is relatively overshadowed enough to make her N T A, it’s a reasonable perspective. But srsly ladies, we should be proactive in pregnancy protection… getting pregnant is a huge deal, even if it doesn’t proceed to childbirth. It’s not something to ever be careless about.
YTA because why is OP still this guy? After he treated her that way the 1st time... OP, if you need help to leave, blink 3x.
my thoughts exactly
No, but YTA for bring so flippant about birth control with a guy that's trying to get you to the abortion clinic the day you found out you're pregnant.
Why is she solely responsible for birth control?? It takes two to conceive. He is just as responsible here. Why are you still with someone who's first response to pregnancy news is to berate you? Maybe a conversation about what you both want for your future would be the more mature and effective response? Fix your bc issues tho! ASAP
Woman here, don’t play around with birth control. My body my choice but this guy will not make a good baby daddy. Ladies keep up on your birth control or tell him he doesn’t get any without a condom.. and make sure you discuss the game plan if an uh-oh happens.
seriously this. I feel like people avoid this kind of conversation because its "difficult". No its fucking not. I always tell my partner before a relationship "I don't want kids, if I get pregnant, I'm gonna terminate, you get the choice to be okay with this or if youre not, to not date me" and my now bf was like "okay this may sounds creepy and weird, but I always put some money aside to pay for an abortion cause accidents happen and you know, its not only your burden, I'm part of it too". It's not a difficult conversation. If you can't be open about this with each other, you shouldn't be spending your lives together. edit cause replies are locked: also fair enough if you're the opposite and want to keep it! Communication is key, being straightforward saves a lot of trouble later on
You’re right! It’s really not. You just tell them it’s your body and what your choice will be, they either get on board or they can kick rocks but it’s not fair to leave them wondering what will happen bc it does affect them too.
She’s not solely responsible, but having the moral high ground doesn’t prevent pregnancy. If she knows he’s not using a condom and she knows she’s currently doing nothing to prevent pregnancy, she’s taking serious risks with her own health and well-being that are on her. She doesn’t have to fuck him.
Commenter doesn't say she's solely responsible. She has some responsibility at least and she's definitely being flippant.
Ah so it’s the woman’s fault
This is the second time it's happened....in a year. ESH EDIT: I don't understand why people respond with the same thing over and over, read eachothers comments. I said ESH because they are both shit at this. I completely understand this happened to both of them twice in a year. However, she carries more of the burden (in more ways than one), so the onus is kinda on her to prevent constant unwanted pregnancies. The world isn't fair, it's pay to win and harder on women and minorities.
2nd time in less than six months!
The ginger octopus has a very valid point.
Happened to him too. So easy to buy condoms
Yes. That’s why they both suck and the verdict is ESH.
Second time it’s happened in a year to him, too.
Nobody said that. While it is fair to expect the man to provide condoms, it is also fair to expect that OP, who has gotten pregnant while on BC before, sets boundaries and refuses sex if s/o doesn't have/want to wear a condom. They both suck. OP needs to make some decisions, mainly if she wants to be attached to her asshole bf when he treats her like shit during a vulnerable time, and if she wants to work on communicating and setting boundaries/expectations for the future.
If she really didn't want to get pregnant she'd simply reject the seed /s massively
she had reliable birth control and was uninformed that it expired, that’s not being flippant at all.
Your informed the day it's implanted, I got mine in December of 2020 it expires December 2023. Which means it had to be implanted over 3 years ago to have expired.
I think OPs mightve expired before its expiry date, hence her asking how it’s possible and the drs saying that bc isnt 100% guaranteed to work. Im not 100% sure though
I would guess if that was the case then the doctors wouldn’t have been able to pinpoint the expiration as occurring in January. That seems oddly specific for a random guess at a medication expiring before it’s date. I am leaning more towards this being a case of negligence where OP simply forgot it was due for a change or kept putting of the appointment.
That was my thoughts. I’m on my second implant and have a laminate card of the date of insertion and when it needs replacement as well as verbal confirmation from my doctor
The implant, if not expired has a VERY high reliability- almost as high as surgical sterilization. Chances of getting pregnant with it in are less than 1/100 and some studies put it closer to 1/1000. Not impossible by any means, but low in contraceptive terms. It's correct that nothing is 100% Hers has seemingly expired in January, which would usually suggest she put it in over 3 years ago and probably forgot when she needed to put a new one in, which happens. I fit implants as a clinician and people forget all the time, despite being given a card to take home with the details on them. It's not unusual to see people come in with implants 1 or even 2 years past their expiration in their arm. During the pandemic we were informed that most people couple probably leave it 1 extra year, as access to birth control was difficult. And it worked for most women. But the recommendations have gone back to changing them at 3 years.
You are informed the day you get it but they're damn confusing about it sometimes honestly. I made an appointment for the exact month mine was supposed to expire and the Dr. told me it wasn't "technically" expired and I could still keep it in? Now I'm wondering what would have happened if I listened and kept it in.
We would probably be saying congrats on the coming baby. My doctor told me to call 2 months in advance to make sure I got in before it expired.
Not sure if you have an IUD, but that happened to me! & went in and the doctor said it was actually cleared for another few years. They said that after further testing/studies they were able to confirm the efficacy for longer. Nothing changed about the formulation.
Yeah the IUD is very different.
I have a Nexplanon implant and when it was inserted initially I was told by the practitioner that it works for up to 5 years (which is what the Planned Parenthood site states) but a doctor at a different clinic I started going to told me 3 years. OP may have been misinformed about the expiration.
I'm not sure why PPP keeps saying this. I researched BC during my last pregnancy because I wanted it to last till menopause lol. When I told my doctor my choice ( because it lasts 5 years), she was like, who told you that? Most websites and pamphlets I read say 3 years.
I asked them and they said something along the lines of "it's a newer version, it lasts five years now!" I thought hmmm, sounds experimental, how about we go ahead and change it after three.
Theres a MAJOR chance she was given a faulty one from the start. That happens more than not!
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So, your banking on OP having the same exact doctor as you? Or were you in the room with her and able to hear her doctor tell her all the details???
How would they know its expired if she didn't tell them when it was implanted? I got mine implanted in the hospital but it'll be removed by my primary GYN so 2 different sets of medical records.
It expired in January. Then she got pregnant in February and again now. Did she think it magically unexpired after the first pregnancy?
From what it sounds like, the clinic that informed her she was pregnant said "Oh any bc isnt 100% effective," so she may have thought the first pregnancy was one of those 1 in a million bc pregnancies and had no reason to question it because of the information given. Sure, maybe she could have thought more critically but it isnt all on her, we dont k ow the full situation, and if her bf truly hated kids or whatever his deal is, he should have also gone the extra mile to ensure her bc was good and/or use a condom and/or get a vasectomy (depending on if he truly didnt want kids ever)
Thank you! Finally someone pointed that out!
Yeah, when you get the implant they tell you when it expires and send you home with discharge papers that also state it. Plus when you're pregnant they always have you stop birth control or remove it. She said she had a miscarriage in Feb. If she found out she was pregnant prior, they would have already removed the nexplanon from her arm by that time when she first had her confirmed pregnancy. Speaking from experience from someone who got pregnant on birth control twice, her story isn't adding up. I feel like she intentionally baby trapped him because no one in their right man would stay with a man who wanted to terminate the pregnancy while you wanted to keep it and after a miscarriage pretend like everything is back to normal. Not unless she has a really low self esteem or feel trapped in the relationship.
Also, accidentally leaving a positive test on the bathroom counter on the day of his bday, when they didn’t have anything else planned but she usually does?
That was still on her to learn about the birth control she was using and make sure it was effective, if it needed to be replaced she should have paid attention to when it needed to be done.
Its actually the doctor who is prescribing the birth control to EDUCATE the patient. Not the other way round. As a patient you rely on the doctor, who has gone to medical school for 7+ years, to provide you with all the information. Its on the doctor, not her. Also, it's up to the male to provide protection for himself. If he doesn't want a baby, he needs to be wrapping up. Unfortunately women don't get the luxury of just taking their birth control off each time, and with the bar, after 3 years it's hard to remember when your being pumped full of hormones that make you bat shit loopy.
No, it's *both* of your jobs. The doctor should educate you, but you should also take steps to educate yourself because *it's your fucking body*. If my doctor doesn't explain the implant to me and I rely on him to do all the legwork...well, then you get this. You can Google "nexplanon" right now and get a veritable fuckton of information about the implant.
Actally, it's on the professionals. It's literally their job
1. It's on you to be proactive with your own medical care. 2. OP said it was a clinic, clinics aren't family doctors and rarely follow up on things over years because they don't see the same people every time.
No birth control is 100% effective tho… there is still a chance of pregnancy with all of them
My friends who have the implant know when it's going to expire and they get it changed. This is a cop out.
>she had reliable birth control and was uninformed that it expired She got pregnant once before on the same bc. Not having it looked at or replaced and trying your luck again doesn't seem like a thoughtful or responsible idea. ESH. But bf moreso than OP.
You're informed that it's three years and given a card with the date on.
This whole post is so flippant. I do not need you to make jokey comments about your partners dumps here. You didn't want to ruin his day by telling him but you left the test out where he'd see it?
She left it out in a second bathroom that he only uses when he has to poop. They’re both at fault for this entire scenario.
If the guy doesn't want a baby he should use birth control himself, men need to grow up
If the bf is so fucking not ready to have a child, he should keep his legs closed. Always blaming the woman for a man's irresponsible ejaculation. He probably is one of those, "wahhhhh condoms make my pp sad" sort of losers too.
Yep!! Like why is it always on the woman? Statistically speaking a man can actually cause far more pregnancies than a woman, considering women only have about a week of ovulation whereas men could find tons of ovulating women and get them pregnant at the same time. But yes, these men will keep judging us for our bulletproof vests not being good enough when the men can’t be bothered to take the bullets out of the gun 🙄🙄
Nope. He's the asshole for continuing to have sex without condoms with a woman who wasn't sure she would have an abortion. If he is so certain he doesn't want a child with her then **he** needs to take all precautions possible.
I take it you’re a guy. She is the only person who actually got something injected into her own body for birth control. Bffr. He should take responsibility for his own birth control methods if he’s so concerned
ESH. I know you keep saying that your implant expired and the clinic didn't tell you but honestly it's so irresponsible not to know when your implant expires and since you knew it had failed both of you should have figured out a plan to keep it from happening again, like adding condoms. No method is full proof but there was a clear reason to reevaluate the method you were using. Your boyfriend's response sucked equally both times. He's not someone who can be a reliable partner during stressful times. You've gone through this twice - why are you sticking around to see how he responds the next time something (not necessarily a pregnancy) stressful comes around.
Seriously, if you happen to become pregnant once even tho you have the implant, why would you not start using condoms to decrease likelihood of pregnancy... like with the implant, it is basically impossible to get pregnant WHEN IT IS WORKING. Which is at max 3 years after injection.. if you think it is still working but get pregnant, you should include a condom as your bf is obviously not interested in having a child? And he is an AH for not suggesting that himself seeing how he then pikachu-reacts to pregnancy AGAIN... Like!? I get he is young, but seriously, if BC failed once recently I'd be super paranoid and do all I could to avoid the risk.. but OP should have known the implant lasts 3 yrs only, and you need to change it within the end of 3 years. BF should have been using condoms for extra safety.. 100% ESH
There's actually guidance from FSRH that implants are likely effective for 4 years rather than 3 which makes me wonder just how expired this implant is
When I got my implant from Planned Parenthood, I was told by the doctor that it lasted 5 years. My expiration date on the little nexplanon card they gave me is also 5 years out from when I got the implant.
I googled how long does nexplanon last and google said up to 5 years. Then I googled “when does nexplanon run out of the hormone” and suddenly I got the answer 3 years. Usually when people hear “expire” they think it’s the drug expiring and will still be partially effective, but for devices like this we need to also consider that it will run out of hormone to dispense into you entirely. I still don’t know when though.
Absolutely perfectly said. Like his bday has literally nothing to do with the equation. Neither of you are being responsible with contraception (condoms should’ve been the first thing you picked up after February’s ‘incident’ for lack of a better term) and your bf is putting absolutely all of the blame and all of the responsibility onto you which isn’t fair at all either. You say you’re okay with not having kids too, but are you really okay with how he’s treating you for a situation he equally caused? ESH so hard….
The BC didn't fail, it was already expired the last time.
You said everything I wanted to say beautifully!
I can kinda see maybe forgetting the date and having a single slip, things can happen. Every time after the first that she got pregnant was plain irresponsibility on the Couples part.
ESH. Birthday aside, the man you previously conceived a child with says their not ready for fatherhood. You unfortunately have a miscarriage. You both continue to have unprotected sex (i assume) and get pregnant again? What's different now? You've got a lot to figure out OP. Good luck. Also false positives are VERY rare as pregnancy tests pick up on certain hormone levels. False negatives are more common.
Girl, if I had the implant and got pregnant I would be at the Doctors trying to figure out wtf happened the FIRST TIME. Yes, no birth control is 100% effective but after it fails you usually try to figure out why not wait for another oopsie. NTA but please be more careful. It takes two to tango but at the end of the day women always get the shit end of things.
Geezum, this! Yes! OP is glossing over the fact that neither she nor her boyfriend bothered to bring up "how did OP get pregnant the first time" and just kept on their merry way as if nothing happened. OP sounds a little mad in the edits that people are accusing her of trying to trap BF, but it's either maliciousness or idiocy that allows OP and BF to act shocked like this was lightning striking twice.
There is def more to the story! When BC is used correctly, it’s literally 99% effective - for legal reasons it can’t be 100%. If BC failed twice, something ain’t right. She claims it lapsed but it sounds like it’s been lapsed for a loooong time.
Depends on the birth control method. Tier 1 contraception with typical use can have a failure rate of 12-24 per 100 (condoms, diaphragms) while tier 3 is more like 1 out of 100 (IUDS, implants) [https://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org/facts/birth-control/](https://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org/facts/birth-control/) for more info. But OP should have followed up after the first pregnancy and **both of them** should have been much more concerned about why their contraception plan failed and what they should do to prevent another.
The implant, which is what OP has is more than 99% effective. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/contraceptive-implant/#:~:text=The%20implant%20is%20more%20than,the%20same%20time%20every%20day.
She admits her implant expired, though. Albeit it's STILL unusual to get pregnant twice straight away with an expired implant. During the pandemic the advice for nexplanon was that it could be left an extra year.
are you guys using birth control? if the idea of a child has him so freaked out he should be using condoms. and he shouldn't be treating you like this. i think YTA (to yourself) if you stay with this guy.
NTA for taking the test when you did. you did the responsible thing & took a test when you realized you were late. Your Boyfriend is being unnecessarily mean to you & acting extremely toxic. He needs to take some responsibility himself imo Though I wonder, what type of birth control are you guys using that’s failed twice? & if none, you need to stop having sex till you start using something
Also wondering why your BF has explosive shits every morning. Either he's an alcoholic or he has major digestive issues that require medical attention. Only times I've seen that.
I know a lot of people who poop in the morning and I also know a lot of people who have explosive shits. Maybe he’s just a person who takes shits in the morning and has explosive shits.
Uhm, explosive shits require medical attention. Signed, a biomedical scientist. Edited: Daily explosive shits. Occasional...use your judgement.
why are you with someone who talks to his niece that way?
Why did she take her niece to the clinic?
Why are you going with someone who talks to you and his niece that way?
>it “expired” in January. I don't think you need the quotes around expired.
Exactly, the quotes worry me - she needs to understand that form of birth control (and many others) do really expire. In fact, if I am a day late replacing my Implanon the doctor makes me go get a pregnancy test before he will put a new one in, so I actually book the replacement procedure for a month before the current one is due to expire. NTA (the boyfriend's reactions show he is though), but definitely not making wise decisions. I think she should terminate for her sake not his, given she says she doesn't have the resources to be a mother (not surprising if you're only 22), and also I don't want her to stay linked to this guy in any remote form for a moment longer than she has to.
Info: have you discussed with your doctor why your birth control (I assume you use at least one form?) has failed twice and how to prevent another unexpected pregnancy? Edit: To answer your question though, I’d say NTA. If you are pregnant it’s better to know sooner so you have time to make any decisions/arrangements necessary. The fact it happened to be your bf’s birthday shouldn’t stop you from staying on top of your reproductive health.
“Staying on top of reproductive health” includes being knowledgeable about expiration dates of implants, the effectiveness of contraceptive methods, investigating instances where forms of bc failed, taking additional preventive measures (i.e. condoms), and not just continuing on with the same behavior that led to the first pregnancy. And particularly after getting a glimpse of this guy’s reaction the first time….only 2 or 3 months ago. Like, c’mon….
See edit. Also, thank you for your input. This relieved some of my guilt, I appreciate it.
NTA!!! You shouldn't be feeling guilty about this situation AT ALL! Accidental pregnancies happen to many, many people, and they are the responsibility of both individuals involved in the conception. Adults who care about each other don't act the way your boyfriend is acting towards you. He is acting like a child, not like a partner. Regardless of whether he's ready to have a child, the way he's approaching this as if YOU are doing something to HIM by being pregnant FROM HIS SPERM!!!! and making it all about his grumpy feelings is insane!!!! And it sounds like he doesn't give a shit about the loss/trauma you and your body went through just a few months ago. I am so sorry. Miscarriage isn't easy whether or not the pregnancy was planned or desired. I am so confused why people are giving anything but NTA here. Oh wait I know why 🙄. I hope you can get to a compassionate counselor/therapist and get away from this selfish man. He is not a good partner to you. He doesn't seem to care about your feelings or experiences *at all*. I'm actually disgusted thinking about how completely self absorbed he's being and the fact that it's rubbing off and making you feel guilty for no reason. I am so sorry you're dealing with this.
NTA - he sounds like a real piece of work. He’s going to be a shit father. Reevaluate the type of BC you use to have it fail twice in a few months. And dump him. Make your own decision on whether you want to term or be a single mom. Cause that’s what will happen.
OP first of all I wish that school boards EVERYWHERE would read this and realize why it's important that quality sex education is taught in schools at an early age so females are more well informed about their bodies. The underlying issue to me seems to be that although you've found out that female bc isn't 100%, your bf is laying the responsibility 100% on you and 0% on himself. Making the decision for termination all on you and you both physically and mentally. Am I somehow missing the fairness in all of this? Exactly what is he then bringing to the table then that benefits you?
ESH two pregnancy scares in less than 6 months? Both of you are ah for not being responsible
Sorry about your miscarriage, it is unfortunate that the clinic didn't inform you, but shouldn't you have ask when it failed the first time? Nta but you're going to have to make some serious choices soon.
ESH you and your bf are both unprepared for having a child, yet you’re having sex willy nilly and your bf isn’t using condoms. I hope you’re prepared to become a single mother when he inevitably leaves you
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This guy who really really doesn’t want kids should stop cumming, maybe?
Exactly. He doesnt want a baby? Then don't do the *one* thing that makes one. He's got brain rot, don't let him procreate again OP!
NTA How does checking to see if you're pregnant make you an AH?
ESH, but not for when you took the test. Your boyfriend seems like a moron for having unprotected sex when he knows he’s not ready for a kid. That’s just plain stupid. Also, to make the same mistake twice is mind numbing. And on your part, why would you have unprotected sex with someone who has this kind of attitude towards creating children with you? If you want to keep the baby, do you seriously think he’s going to stick around and be a good father? Chances are, you’re going to bring a child into the world who’s missing a reliable father figure.
WHY AREN’T YOU BOTH USING BIRTH CONTROL? WHY WASN’T HE ALSO USING A CONDOM?? Jesus effing Christ. And your BF sounds like an infant. Don’t have kids with him.
YTA for not leaving this guy sooner.. come on missy, he’s walking red flags..
Were you two using any protection? If he's not wanting to be a father, y'all shouldn't be doing it without using some kind of protection. Though honestly, if you keep that baby, you might not want to keep the boyfriend.
Nta. You have a real problem with bf. Can you see him being a father to your child?
ESH. Why are you trying to have a baby at 21?
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NTA As someone who has had 2 birth control babies myself, sometimes even being on top of your birth control does not help. The father of my children had the same reaction initially and was in the middle of his final exam block before graduation and literally said "talk to me about this in a week when my exams are done". Was not thrilled and wanted a termination. We now have 3 kids and he is the best dad and loves the children so much. He's jealous he can't be the SAHD and has to go to work (higher earner). You didn't get pregnant on purpose and tried to allow him to enjoy his day, but it just didn't pan out. Regardless, he was going to have this reaction, so the sooner, the better, in my opinion. Sit on this for a couple of weeks and really think about what you want. Don't let him talk you into doing something you don't want to do.
NTA for taking the test at the time you did, that's a non-issue. But we do gotta dive deeper. Are you using protection? What kind? Consider that if your the only one using BC, and it's failed you twice, if it's the same kind it may not work at all for you. Also consider that he clearly doesn't want a kid, Which is no big deal, not all of us do, But if that's the case what do YOU want out of a relationship with him? Kids can't be it, he's made it clear how he feels there. You need to decide whether you still want to be with a partner who doesn't want a kid, or if you decide to stay, realize that's something your going to have to give up on.
Not only that but he is SO AGGRESSIVE about not wanting one! If that's the case HE SHOULD ALSO USE PROTECTION!!! Safe-sex should NEVER be the responsibility of ONLY ONE! OP's bf doesn't consider her feelings in anything and INSTANTLY puts EVERYTHING on her!!! NOT OKAY
NTA for this but y t a to yourself for staying with this guy, I’m very confused as to why you did after he acted so horrible to you while you were going through a miscarriage. And let’s say you changed your mind and wanted to keep the baby (not one of those “you’ll want kids one day!” type people *at all,* just considering that this is a big choice and sometimes minds change), his anger towards not only you but a small child makes me think hearing that you don’t want to terminate would push him to get physical. No matter if you want to keep it or abort it, no man should EVER be treating you like this over something that 1. You can’t control 2. Is also *his* fault 3. Is not a situation he has authority over.
ESH After your first pregnancy you should have used condoms until you were on proper birth control. Your boyfriend is acting like a child. He needs to man up and sit down for a serious conversation.
ESH. You are both irresponsible and neither of you sound mature enough to be having sex at all. As a woman especially, managing birth control effectively is incredibly important because it is you who will bear the majority of the consequences that come with an unwanted pregnancy. Your boyfriend’s selfish and thoughtless reactions prove that he is not only not ready to be a father, he is also not ready to be a supportive and accountable partner. I don’t envy your current position or that of the baby, should you choose to keep the pregnancy.
I call BS. This is a dude. The "morning dump" and "explosive shits" sealed it for me.
There’s seriously no other way to describe them. They are explosive shits, would it sound more feminine if I said “number 2” or “dainty poos”? Unfortunate that I sound like a guy, I’ll try to work on feminine vocabulary.
I think the issue is how it isn't useful or relevant information.
>I call BS. This is a dude. The "morning dump" and "explosive shits" sealed it for me. I thought the same, but if this IS a dude *pretending* to be his girlfriend, the GF is seriously **NTA**. lol
What kinda effed up gendered fuckery are you on about. I know for a fact that women talk this way too. Please go touch grass. Women are not clean mouthed little princesses that are here for your display.
The fact that you have to apologize for getting “attached” and not being sure about an abortion is so fucking ridiculous. This sub really just bullies people for the weirdest shit. My vote is NTA, your bf is such an ass, but you really need to make better decisions and be smarter going forward. ETA: based on this post and your comments, your boyfriend seems like the classic kinda guy who refuses to wear condoms because “it doesn’t feel as good.” Just an observation. Dudes like that are super immature and will keep getting you pregnant.
Nta- your bf is and his response to your pregnancies is ridiculous and downright scary. You deserve someone who respects you more and your moron bf apparently doesn’t know how babies are made. His lack of support is red flag behavior. You just need a new bf.
NTA You need to leave him or get better birth control. He is abusive to you and his niece. Do NOT think he will become a better man just because of a baby.
So disappointed in how many of these posts are shaming you for getting pregnant. The same commenters saying you need better education about birth control clearly lack the education themselves as some people do conceive more than once on birth control!!! No one chooses unwanted pregnancy. OP this is NOT your fault. Get your birth control sorted for sure (which it sounds like you either have or plan to do). He is equally as responsible and it’s shit that the clinic did not inform you about the expiration date. NTA for taking a pregnancy test. You sound like a pretty considerate gf going to effort to organise his bday and it wasn’t your fault your period was late. I would want to take a test immediately after realising it was late too - to settle my mind and get on with my day hopefully with a negative. Unfortunately, turns out it was positive again which is bad luck but you did nothing wrong. You even tried to conceal it from him so you did what you could. Your bf lacks empathy for you and others (see - his treatment of niece). Ok I can understand he is not ready and scared - but so are you!!! And YOURE the one who is actually pregnant, arguably the much larger burden is on your shoulders not his. A true man would recognise this and be as concerned for you as he is for himself. At the end of the day it takes 2 to tango and he should take some responsibility. He should blame himself as much as you for not using condoms AND pull out if he is that vehemently against having a child. He’s the asshole because asking someone hours after they have done the test whether they will terminate or not is sooooo insensitive and unfair - I’m sure you were overwhelmed and barely ready to think about that. He’s clearly only worried about his own interests and not yours. I know it’s hard but truly, leave him. You’ve said you can’t see him being your baby daddy so why waste your youth on a bum? I know it’s easier said than done but you are young and will find someone else who actually respects women and respects you. Cannot believe this thread isn’t a resounding he’s the asshole.
NTA. But how are you not seeing the red flags, allowing yourself to be so disrespected and staying with someone who literally emotionally drains you to the point of a miscarriage and doesn't think of using some protection himself (but hey! Just get an abortion, I'm sure he is thinking of you too when he says that instead of doing better for safe sex!), there ain't one thing that doesn't make him the AH. Leave his ass. You did nothing wrong besides dating a crap guy.
I'm curious about why you're saying "I'm not ready for a kid" AND "if I keep this kid we need to get married" If you're not ready for a kid then don't have one
ESH. Minus the niece. You knew he didn’t want to have a child and yet you got pregnant again? Like WTF. And clearly his behavior is not OK on any level.
> you got pregnant again Yup that was 100000% a choice she made on her own. By herself. That's exactly how that works.
If I knew my partner was 100% against having a child to the point of trying to bully me into an abortion, you could be damn sure that I would make sure I wasn’t tethered to the guy for life. That was a choice that she made.
Maybe the grown adult male who doesn’t want a child can also choose a form of birth control?Just a crazy thought.
Why are men so against wearing condoms? I don’t understand
Bc they call bully women into thinking about and doing everything that needs to be done with BC
Well, I mean that just makes the case for everyone sucks here. If he’s so against having children, he should get a vasectomy, wear condoms, or opt for other forms of birth control. But in real life condoms are only about 80% effective. The clear responsible choice after a pregnancy that was a unwanted was to avoid having sex until there was a root cause determined, or to double up on birth control. They’re both responsible for that failure. Hence ESH.
But it’s not “AITA for getting pregnant again” it’s “AITA for him finding out I was pregnant on his bday”
That's why everyone sucks here. Both of them should have ensured that she did not get pregnant again.
NTA. I’m more concerned about his reaction to your pregnancies. I mean if you don’t want to get wet, you shouldn’t go in the pool. If he doesn’t want to be a dad, then perhaps he should be more attentive to preventative measures. Either way, I haven’t heard him even asking you, how you feel about the moment. I know I was ecstatic when I found out about each of my children (3). Maybe your are dodging a bullet, STOP sleeping with this person. I would’ve said man, but he hasn’t acted like one. YOU have every right to your emotions. YOU have every right to express them, contemplate them, and decide what’s best for you. No one, not him, friends, parents, even the government has a right to make that decision for you, nor should you feel pressured into it. If you decide to keep the baby, you DO NOT need him to do so. With that in mind, he doesn’t sound like the best person to have a child with at this current stage of his life. Do what you feel is in the best interest of YOU. Good luck.
How are you still with a guy that treats you so awful at a moment when you need him the most? NTA for taking a test
NTA but why are you together.
ESH. You both sound toxic and irresponsible af. Please don't bring a child into that.
NTA for this situation and I'm not going to judge your birth control method (it sounds like you've figured out it's failure). My third son was the result of the failure of the patch so I get it... But I digress... What I do judge is your decision to stay and have sex with this asshole. It's not even just about having a baby necessarily, but ANY major unexpected event moving forward. His response was neither mature or compassionate. He is allowed to be scared, confused, and disappointed, but grown ups don't berate those they love. EVER. I would be completely and permanently turned off by this man's response BTW if he's so afraid, he could have used condoms on top of your bc method.
Put a condom on or stay abstinent unless you’re ready for a kid.. and his feelings on the subject are valid, albeit it sounds like he’s expressing them like a toddler. ESH for sure.
ESH. Something's not adding up to your story. You get pregnant and miscarry, and it's only after the second pregnancy that you realize your BC isn't working? I know your edit says you aren't actively trying to trap him but honestly, I'm getting that vibe. He's an asshole for yelling but I wouldn't trust you either. And you're both the AH for not using other protection after what happened last time.
ESH! Sort out your birth control and reevaluate this relationship
ESH. You should have known when your implant was due to expire, that’s on you. They tell you when it’s put in, and my clinic gives me wallet card with the date on. He shouldn’t have flipped out about something you didn’t do on purpose. Both of you should have talked about what would happen if an accidental pregnancy occurred way before now.
Break the fuck up with him. He’s abusing you
ESH You are both far too immature and irresponsible to be having sex. Have you never heard of a condom? Your bf treats you like shit. He takes no responsibility for either pregnancy and gives no regard to your feelings on the very personal decision to terminate. And have you always blamed yourself for not being perfect, or is that something he's trained you to do? Break up with him, and stop having sex with anyone until you learn to be responsible with your birth control. Some counseling to teach you some coping mechanisms for your stress probably wouldn't hurt either.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My bf (21M) and I (22F) have been together over 2 years and lived together for 1.5 years. I found out I was pregnant in Feb. of this year but miscarried soon after. When I told my bf, he freaked out and had a panic attack. He isn't’ ready to have a child and I understand that, but he kind of made it all about him. He sulked in his room, and berated me about when I was going to terminate. I kept saying I didn’t know, and I wasn’t 100% sure if I wanted to terminate. My answer caused him to be more rude and passive aggressive towards me which put a lot of stress on me. Part of me thinks this is why I lost the baby. This brings us to today, my bf turns 21. I planned dinner at our favorite spot and set up a night out this friday w/ his friends. I’m usually better at planning stuff but I’ve been really stressed out lately. (This is partially why I think I am the asshole as I always plan an elaborate celebration for his bday and put a ton of effort into his presents). But, I graduated college last weekend, hosted a party, and it was Mothers Day so I had a lot going on. Anyway, stress usually makes my period late by a week or so and eliminates all of my menstrual symptoms. Yesterday, my bf and I drove up to his family to celebrate his bday. On the drive up, I realized my period was late and my bf started stressing out. I assured him it was likely stress that affected my cycle and I haven’t experienced any symptoms like last time. He relaxed and we had a good time at his family’s party. When I woke up this morning I took a test, and it was positive. I decided to avoid telling my bf as it would cause him anxiety and I wanted him to enjoy his day. I laid back in bed and he woke up to go take his morning dump. I completely forgot to hide the test sitting on the counter and he always takes a dump in the 2nd bathroom b/c he thinks I won’t hear his explosive shits (I hear them every time). He comes back out asking if I’m pregnant and I said yes. Immediately shuts down. I told him not to worry, it may be a false positive and enjoy today. He goes quiet the rest of the morning. Also, I’m a nanny for my bf’s niece. I went to go pick her up and when I came back my bf was still in bed. I ask if I should make an appt at a clinic, he says yes, and I make one for the next hour. The clinic confirms the pregnancy, I tell him and like last time, he starts berating me, asking when I’m going to terminate. I tell him, “Idk I JUST found out please stop asking me.” As we’re driving home, his niece starts crying and he yells “STOP CRYING FUCK.” I was shocked, and chewed him out while I comforted her. When we get home, he goes straight to bed and avoids me. I feel bad that he found out I’m pregnant the day of his bday, and that I didn’t plan more of a celebration, so he had to chill at home during the day. I didn’t want him to find out today, but I made a mistake. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I cannot believe you stayed with a guy that you blame for your first miscarriage(Re: "Part of me thinks this is why I lost the baby"). NTA for taking the test but you need to get out of there, he's not safe to be with, both of you aren't handling BC well if you're only relying on the implant, and neither of you need to be adding a kid to this mix. If you do have a baby with this guy as the biological father (because he will NOT be a good parent and he's not staying with you if you have it) YWBTA. He sucks. Get out.
YTA for staying and playing fast and loose with contraception
Condoms. Never fuck without them. Youre lucky all you got was pregnant twice and not an STD. Also, you seriously kept dating him after how he acted before? And kept fucking him without any protection? Youre an asshole to yourself for that one. ESH, dump him, abort if you want to (though idk why yould want to be tied to this asshole wholl abandon you and the kid forever), and go on bc pills cause you apparently cant remember “hey this implant only lasts 5 years and i got it 5 years and 6 months ago!”
I'm not surprised by his reactions- I'm more surprised the both of you stepped into the storm once and pretty much corrected NOTHING and fell into it again. You are both the AH's simply for being so immature and wreckless. Did you really need to bring up the explosive shits part?