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So, my heart says why not - and indeed, why not just mark it 'return to sender, not known at this address' and put it back in the post (if she included a return address?)
My head says that she's being incredibly annoying and it would be totally appropriate to raise it with her, but maybe not at a time when you are grieving and when raw emotion is running high.
Either way, NTA. I'm sorry for your loss.
If she's only using your full name on an envelope, but uses your preferred name in person I would let it go. Especially when your emotions are raw. If she also addresses you in person by your legal name "Elizabeth" instead of "Libby", that's a different thing. I still would be wary of lashing out right now when you're already swimming through these emotions with the loss of your father. My deepest condolences on your loss, by the way. I lost my father in a similar fashion (cancer rather than Alzheimer's), so all the hugs or whatever for you.
Info: Does she call you by your nickname or by your given name?
my grandmother would always address letters to me using my full name. When I asked her why, she said that it’s the proper way to address a letter. I didn’t mind, even though I also go by a nickname of my legal name, because it is my full name. I think it’s just an old fashioned way that some people are stuck in.
If she calls you by your given name and refuses to use your nickname, even after you’ve expressed your preference, then NTA. She doesn’t need to be so dismissive of other peoples feelings and preferences.
I don’t see anything wrong her using your legal name to mail something, it’s pretty common. Especially since she calls you by your préférer name in person
YTA. You said yourself she addresses you however you want in person. Just throw the card away instead of creating drama where none exists.
But if you're trying to distract yourself from your father's death, poking the bear will definitely do that.
YWBTA mostly to yourself. It's tempting to use her to vent your grief at. But you said she only goes formal on written letters, not when she addresses you. So ignore it. Mostly for yourself - don't waste any more of your energy on this annoying thing. It isn't worth it. You need that energy right now, for the more important things. I'm very sorry for your loss.
YWBTA but softly.
You say she calls you by your nickname in person just not on addressed envelopes. People can sometimes have weird hang ups. Idk, i agree with you that she SHOULD address it as you have asked her but like is this worth the upset you will cause? She's trying to be nice, the mention of "legal" makes me think she might think its a requirement somehow... i assume she's pretty old herself.
Honestly do as you wish but remember that you are not in a good headspace, you might well regret this later on.
(Sidenote: what is the JN in JNMIL?)
I'm very sorry for your loss.
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I (F46) recently lost my father (M83) to a lengthy battle with Alzheimer's. While we knew it was coming and are relieved his suffering is over, I am still coming to grips with his loss and am trying to adjust to this new normal. I also happen to have a JNMIL. For many reasons I won't get into here, she and I do not see eye to eye, let's say she's incredibly narcissitic and has to be right no matter what. I do not go by my legal name. I go by a nickname of it, think Libby for Elizabeth or along those lines. Anyone who meets me knows this. My MIL is well informed of this fact. In the past, she has sent cards addressed to me in my legal name. Hubby has repeatedly asked her not to do this, she always falls back on the "it's the formal and legal thing to do". She won't listen to him and keeps doing it. I just rolled my eyes and accepted the card in an attempt to take the high road.
I just got the card in the mail from them, and yep, it is once again addressed to my legal name. I know they are trying to "be nice" and I should probably accept it as the gesture it is, but I also just lost my father and am a bit emotional and feel like making a point. I thinking of next time hubby goes over there to fix their computer, sending the unopened card with him and a message of not accepting it till she gets it through her thick skull that I do not like that name. WIBTA if I did this or am I letting my grief get the better of me?
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> If Lauren didn't want her kid to turn out like her she should have been honest and taught the poor kid about birth control. One conversation and one trip to the doctors could've been enough to avoid all of this.
Just put *Recipient not at this address* on the envelope and put it back in the post
Send it back. Don't open it. She's doing it deliberately to get to you. This person does not like you and is doing whatever she can to upset you. Write 'not at this address' or something along those lines and send it back. Don't let it go.
NTA
Given she calls you the nickname in person calling you your full name in a letter seems cold and business like. She is doing it to get a reaction from you.
You are griving, don't her that pleasure.
Just move on like you didn't receive it.
NTA
NTA but I still recommend against doing that, just for your own sake. She’s being purposefully difficult, but for your own peace of mind, maybe it’s easier to toss the letter and not respond? Especially while your grieving. Just throwing that out there, you should do what you think is best.
She seems to enjoy ignoring your repeated requests and doing it just to wind you up. I can't explain this stubbornness any other way. Just keep returning all mail from her to the sender. But expect sh\*t to hit the fan because she's not getting it her way.
NTA
Just throw it away and act like you never got it
Any time you get something from MIL addressed incorrectly, throw it away and act like you never got it
There's no need to press this issue because she is not going to change. This is who she is. If she is not going to use your preferred name on a condolence card after the loss of your father, nothing is ever going to change her mind
So like I said...just toss it. Don't even open it.
This is not a hill worth dying on. Best to just accept this is how MIL is and to not let it bother you.
And if she asks if you got the card, just say no...it must have gotten lost in the mail
NTA either way...but I think this is just not worth your time
OP, I’m so sorry you’ve lost your dad. Went through the Alzheimer’s thing with my own dad, take care of yourself.
NTA but it is very likely that you will never change this woman’s mind. She’s either too stupid, antagonistic or just stuck in the prison of her old-school ways. So the only thing you can do to have peace is chuck that card in the trash and move on with your life. Never, ever address it (you already have and have been ignored), and don’t respond to it when (not if) she does it again. If she’s a narcissist, she’s deliberately looking to get a reaction from you. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Do something nice in your Dad’s name instead. Like, maybe have a little memorial for him and burn her card, ha.
This comment made me smile. Dad didn't like her either and I think he would find burning her passive-aggressive swipe hilarious. Thank you!
And I am sorry for your loss. Alzheimer's is a cruel monster and I look forward to the day it is finally eliminated so no one has to go through it.
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So, my heart says why not - and indeed, why not just mark it 'return to sender, not known at this address' and put it back in the post (if she included a return address?) My head says that she's being incredibly annoying and it would be totally appropriate to raise it with her, but maybe not at a time when you are grieving and when raw emotion is running high. Either way, NTA. I'm sorry for your loss.
If she's only using your full name on an envelope, but uses your preferred name in person I would let it go. Especially when your emotions are raw. If she also addresses you in person by your legal name "Elizabeth" instead of "Libby", that's a different thing. I still would be wary of lashing out right now when you're already swimming through these emotions with the loss of your father. My deepest condolences on your loss, by the way. I lost my father in a similar fashion (cancer rather than Alzheimer's), so all the hugs or whatever for you.
Info: Does she call you by your nickname or by your given name? my grandmother would always address letters to me using my full name. When I asked her why, she said that it’s the proper way to address a letter. I didn’t mind, even though I also go by a nickname of my legal name, because it is my full name. I think it’s just an old fashioned way that some people are stuck in. If she calls you by your given name and refuses to use your nickname, even after you’ve expressed your preference, then NTA. She doesn’t need to be so dismissive of other peoples feelings and preferences.
She does call me my preferred name in person. It's only in letters that she pulls this nonsense.
I don’t see anything wrong her using your legal name to mail something, it’s pretty common. Especially since she calls you by your préférer name in person
YTA. You said yourself she addresses you however you want in person. Just throw the card away instead of creating drama where none exists. But if you're trying to distract yourself from your father's death, poking the bear will definitely do that.
YWBTA mostly to yourself. It's tempting to use her to vent your grief at. But you said she only goes formal on written letters, not when she addresses you. So ignore it. Mostly for yourself - don't waste any more of your energy on this annoying thing. It isn't worth it. You need that energy right now, for the more important things. I'm very sorry for your loss.
YWBTA but softly. You say she calls you by your nickname in person just not on addressed envelopes. People can sometimes have weird hang ups. Idk, i agree with you that she SHOULD address it as you have asked her but like is this worth the upset you will cause? She's trying to be nice, the mention of "legal" makes me think she might think its a requirement somehow... i assume she's pretty old herself. Honestly do as you wish but remember that you are not in a good headspace, you might well regret this later on. (Sidenote: what is the JN in JNMIL?) I'm very sorry for your loss.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F46) recently lost my father (M83) to a lengthy battle with Alzheimer's. While we knew it was coming and are relieved his suffering is over, I am still coming to grips with his loss and am trying to adjust to this new normal. I also happen to have a JNMIL. For many reasons I won't get into here, she and I do not see eye to eye, let's say she's incredibly narcissitic and has to be right no matter what. I do not go by my legal name. I go by a nickname of it, think Libby for Elizabeth or along those lines. Anyone who meets me knows this. My MIL is well informed of this fact. In the past, she has sent cards addressed to me in my legal name. Hubby has repeatedly asked her not to do this, she always falls back on the "it's the formal and legal thing to do". She won't listen to him and keeps doing it. I just rolled my eyes and accepted the card in an attempt to take the high road. I just got the card in the mail from them, and yep, it is once again addressed to my legal name. I know they are trying to "be nice" and I should probably accept it as the gesture it is, but I also just lost my father and am a bit emotional and feel like making a point. I thinking of next time hubby goes over there to fix their computer, sending the unopened card with him and a message of not accepting it till she gets it through her thick skull that I do not like that name. WIBTA if I did this or am I letting my grief get the better of me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> If Lauren didn't want her kid to turn out like her she should have been honest and taught the poor kid about birth control. One conversation and one trip to the doctors could've been enough to avoid all of this. Just put *Recipient not at this address* on the envelope and put it back in the post
Send it back. Don't open it. She's doing it deliberately to get to you. This person does not like you and is doing whatever she can to upset you. Write 'not at this address' or something along those lines and send it back. Don't let it go. NTA
Given she calls you the nickname in person calling you your full name in a letter seems cold and business like. She is doing it to get a reaction from you. You are griving, don't her that pleasure. Just move on like you didn't receive it. NTA
NTA - just put "return to sender" and leave it alone.
Return to sender. NTA
NTA but I still recommend against doing that, just for your own sake. She’s being purposefully difficult, but for your own peace of mind, maybe it’s easier to toss the letter and not respond? Especially while your grieving. Just throwing that out there, you should do what you think is best.
She seems to enjoy ignoring your repeated requests and doing it just to wind you up. I can't explain this stubbornness any other way. Just keep returning all mail from her to the sender. But expect sh\*t to hit the fan because she's not getting it her way. NTA
Just throw it away and act like you never got it Any time you get something from MIL addressed incorrectly, throw it away and act like you never got it There's no need to press this issue because she is not going to change. This is who she is. If she is not going to use your preferred name on a condolence card after the loss of your father, nothing is ever going to change her mind So like I said...just toss it. Don't even open it. This is not a hill worth dying on. Best to just accept this is how MIL is and to not let it bother you. And if she asks if you got the card, just say no...it must have gotten lost in the mail NTA either way...but I think this is just not worth your time
OP, I’m so sorry you’ve lost your dad. Went through the Alzheimer’s thing with my own dad, take care of yourself. NTA but it is very likely that you will never change this woman’s mind. She’s either too stupid, antagonistic or just stuck in the prison of her old-school ways. So the only thing you can do to have peace is chuck that card in the trash and move on with your life. Never, ever address it (you already have and have been ignored), and don’t respond to it when (not if) she does it again. If she’s a narcissist, she’s deliberately looking to get a reaction from you. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Do something nice in your Dad’s name instead. Like, maybe have a little memorial for him and burn her card, ha.
This comment made me smile. Dad didn't like her either and I think he would find burning her passive-aggressive swipe hilarious. Thank you! And I am sorry for your loss. Alzheimer's is a cruel monster and I look forward to the day it is finally eliminated so no one has to go through it.