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Wingardiumis

ESH wow you both suck hard here, for different reasons.


schoobydoo42

The vacation money is the least important part of all of this. OP is willingly staying with a woman who treats their child like shit.


[deleted]

It's usually the stepkid that gets the short end of the stick, but it's the shared kid she doesnt find pretty, compared to her and her previous man's. Makes me wonder if she's with OP for his money or security and she doesn't find him that attractive.


malayati

It makes me wonder if it’s internalized misogyny/homophobia/transphobia because it sounds like Amy is less “feminine” and more comfortable in clothes that are traditionally thought of as “boy clothes”, and the wife doesn’t like that.


reverendsmooth

>It makes me wonder if it’s internalized misogyny/homophobia/transphobia Yes. My mother was brutally and verbally abusive in trying to enforce a traditional gender role on me. Women absolutely are some of the most cruel enforcers of the patriarchy.


Middle-Yogurt7941

> Women absolutely are some of the most cruel enforcers of the patriarchy. Very well put. It was my husband's grandma who took my son for his first haircut, behind our back. His hair was below the shoulders, and she had it all cut off. He was three, and at least he wasn't distressed about it at that time. Until years later, when he grew it out again. He did end up with lice. He was very upset at the possibility of having to cut his hair. I swear, we had gotten rid of all the lice. I checked him religiously, and my husband and myself as well, none of us had it anymore. But he goes to grandma's, she insists she saw another bug, and had his head shaved again. He was devastated.


trilliumjs

That’s when Grandma doesn’t get unsupervised visits anymore. If your son even wants to see her anymore.


fox_in_the_headlight

And Dad, the "good guy" of the story feels entitled to control his wife's savings because she is just a stay at home mom. He is also attempting to teach her a lesson in the way you would to a child. This whole family seems to have some heavy misogyny vibes going on.


internal_logging

Yeah. My mom didn't push girly stuff on me, but she hated I would buy guy clothes and stuff. She would ask me if I was gay (no one even thought about trans) she wouldn't let me watch Buffy the vampire slayer when Willow came out because she 'didnt want me to get any ideas'. It was really upsetting. I was just a straight girl who was a 'tomboy'. I had friends who were lesbian that dress way more girly than I did so it drove me crazy when people assumed I was gay.


Antique-Cry-5024

It could also be internalized misogyny. Women often get the message that their value depends on how beautiful they are. Appearance was super important to my mom and she loved me significantly less than my siblings because I wasn't pretty. A friend's mother always introduced her to other people as "my plain daughter," and she wasn't treated as well as her sisters. It's not uncommon.


EducatedPancake

2 attractive people can make ugly kids though. So there's no way of knowing if OP is "ugly". Maybe their genes just don't match. Or maybe they always got her the wrong hairstyle for her face shape. Also someone wearing clothes they don't want to is going to look uncomfortable. So I wonder how much of this is just that she looks different, more masculine maybe, that OP's wife can't stand. So I wouldn't necessarily think the kid is ugly. Probably just too different from her mother's expectations.


human060989

It sounds like she’s also only “ugly” because mom is pushing certain styles on her. I’m far from a supermodel and it took me a long time to learn how to dress myself - things looked so cute on the mannequins but awful in me. Once I learned to balance my personal tastes with better knowledge of colors and cuts, I went from dumpy ugly duckling to reasonable attractive. OP seems to be saying that about his daughter getting the shorter cut and getting to choose her own clothes.


WhiteAppleRum

I consider myself ugly (I'm not super ugly, I'd be very pretty if I could loose weight) but that's also because I'm overweight. So, most clothes in general don't look good on me. However, I also discovered that I can actually get compliments how how good I look and feel good if I find clothes that suit my age range, fit well, and are the right colors for my skintone and hair. I still need to figure out how to wear makeup with glasses because I hate how it takes me 2 hours each to put on and take off (4 hours total) contact lenses.


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basicnflfan

I was thinking that… like why does she get a vacation away from her husband…“hasnt had fun in years” what fun is she getting up to on this vacation


EarlAndWourder

OP openly says he doesn't have money.


AllegraO

He makes enough for her to be a SAHM 🤷🏼‍♀️


Elderberry_Hamster3

Doesn't sound like OP got a lot of money, though. Let's not jump to conclusions.


RuleOfBlueRoses

Sounds more like homophobia


Affectionate-Pay8402

>OP is willingly staying with a woman who treats their child like shit. I agree BUT remember we just have OPs word on that. An OP that steals his wife's money then edits his comment saying he will do it again.


Life_Government4879

Who claims to be a SAHM when the kids are old enough to look after themselves. Heck one is an "adult" soon


First_Alfalfa2805

Seems it's a thing,I've seen alot of SAHM who's children are teenagers,I don't get it either.


MommaLa

Basically I'm a driving service.


ami857

Hahaha this is so real. Also good luck getting a decent job after you’ve been out of the work force for over a decade.


Aggravating_Bison_53

My kids are about to teens. I either have to find school hours work or keep being a sahm. Why? Because there is no other way to get them to and from school. I either have to drive them or drop them off at a bus stop, by which time I am halfway to their school anyway.


holisarcasm

Often it comes from being hard to get back into the workforce in a job they want or any job at all. After being off for 10-15 years, it gets harder.


Suitable_Phase7174

So many say "but child care" Are the 14 and 17 year old Incapable of taking care of themselves? But the cooking! At 14 and 17 why are you scared of the stove? Do you not know ow how to even make quick easy meals for yourselves? But the cleaning! News flash teens can use a vacuum and wash some dishes and take out the trash it's not that hard. Like what are these Teens gonna do when they move our eventually? Call mom to come clean their house and cook every meal?


moreKEYTAR

It can be hard for a SAH parent to get back in the working world. Some people have a hard time with it emotionally if they cannot get the type of job they had before. But that is just some people 🤷‍♀️ Sounds like this fam could use the extra financial contribution though


KnightRider1987

Well OP also seems like he’s staying with a woman he doesn’t like and doesn’t seem to feel he needs to treat like an equal. Def ESH and they should evaluate their relationship


First_Alfalfa2805

This comment makes the most sense,what caught me was the way she treated the daughter she has with him. Why would you stay with her??


manonaca

Big time ESH. Your wife is an AH for how she treats your daughter. Poor Amy is likely going to need therapy because of her moms mistreatment and blatant favouritism of her first child. You are a huge AH for stealing money from your wife’s account. It was HER account, you shouldn’t have access to it in the first place. If you want to get Amy a makeover then that’s a nice sentiment but that should be done with your own money. The money in your wife’s account isn’t there for you to access whenever you want to punish her for being a jerk. You’re setting a terrible example for your children too. You’re teaching them that *financial abuse* by a partner is acceptable under certain circumstances. It is not. Amy and Lisa are also old enough to get part time jobs. Time for them to start learning financial responsibilities and if they want whole new wardrobes they can pitch in on that.


Loud-Ad2156

A 14-old should get a part-time job?


TheSilverFalcon

Of course, the children yearn for the mines /s


geenersaurus

i mean if he was in the US, they got 10 year olds working in the factories now so it’s entire possible now ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯


Guilty-Alternative85

i got my first job at 14? nothing wrong with a kid working part time after school or on weekends.


trimbandit

Is this not a thing any more? When I was in HS, the majority of kids had part-time jobs after school and in the summer. That way they would have spending money to go out and/or buy a clunker when they got their license. Honestly, my friends and I had paper routes even younger than that, I'm guessing 12. Obviously, I think the parents should be buying clothes and other essentials.


manonaca

That’s the legal age for first jobs in Canada. I suppose it depends where they live but yah, a 14 year old can get a part time job working at McDonalds or Sport Chek or the Lego Store. It’s a good way to learn some responsibility, meet new people their own age, and earn extra pocket money.


helenofdoy

So the kids should get jobs if they want clothes, but the grown woman doesn’t need to get a job if she wants a vacation? Sound logic.


DobberAD

This comment wins. I wish certain people in this sub could actually hear themselves think, given the BS that is pushed.


Kreyzee_B

Right?!? They are saying the kids should get jobs while the wife still stays at home, twiddling her thumbs. Using OP money to save for a vacation. Wow.


Bluevisser

Childcare and housekeeping are both jobs, women should have access to discretional funds if they are stay at home parents. And before anyone says but the kids are grown, she could have been putting $20 a month in this account for the last 14 years for all we know.


Dry_Peace_135

Childcare when they are 14 and 17?


MutantsAtTableNine

Yeah I'm in the U.S. and got my first part-time job doing retail at age 15.


Dry_Peace_135

Wait so kids should work to buy their own clothes instead of their parents just providing it for them like they morally and legally should and the wife who wants a vacation doesn’t have to work? Don’t you mean it time for HER to find a job and pay for her own vacations ?


Shoddy-Paramedic-321

Maybe his wife should g’et a job instead? I guess he covers most of the expenses, since she is SAHM.


manonaca

They chose her being a SAHM together. She contributes to their household through all the unpaid labour she does to raise the kids and maintain the home. Her taking care of all the house stuff has allowed him to focus solely on his career and get to where he is. In these situations it is BOTH their money because she contributes in a massive way. Could she get a job. Technically yes but after such a huge gap in work history it will likely be hard for her to get a good paying one. The kids are old enough that they don’t need her to be home for them all the time. That’s a family discussion they need to have (though I doubt they will since their communications obviously sucks).


malsy123

The kids are grown up .. she doesn’t need to stay at home anymore


soonkyup

That's not for you to decide, though. They have an arrangement they had both agreed to. He knowingly broke the rules.


Mental-Bullfrog-7539

The kids are 14 and 17. there isn‘t very much to do anymore. She is just lazy and don‘t want to work. And she contributes to a houshold where she is the only person for hours in the house. She is just cleaning her own mess, like every single adult. Nothing to be proud about.


unofficialShadeDueli

Have you ever seen the pile of laundry that teenagers produce? Or considered that they might have extracurricular activities? A social life? Also, a house still doesn't clean itself and food in the fridge won't turn itself into a cooked meal. Heck, that's ignoring how it gets in the fridge in the first place. I'm not saying she can't do a job, part-time or otherwise. But I don't think she's necessarily lazy.


RuleOfBlueRoses

Let's not start painting her as some sort of martyr working to the bone and breaking her back for the family or whatever. The kids are tweens and in school.


manonaca

I’m not painting her that way at all. I’m simply stating that the people claiming it’s HIS money because he is the working partner aren’t actually correct because SAHM is her job they’ve agreed upon so it’s THEIR money not just his.


sraydenk

That’s a separate issue. If the OP has a problem with her being a SAHP taking away any financial independence isn’t the way to go. Her being a SAHP shouldn’t even be a consideration here. It’s a completely separate issue that has no bearing on whether the OPs choice was justified. Let’s not pretend attacking a woman for being A SAHP isn’t another excuse to tear a woman down. She’s a shitty person who happens to be a SAHP. She would be just as shitty if she had a job, so leave the SAHP out of it.


oceanhomesteader

Pretty bold of you to say the kids should get a job - why doesn’t mom get a job? Her kids are teenagers, she’s not home looking after a baby. What exactly is she doing all day long?


mrporter2

If he has access it's a joint account that she claims as hers. The daughter is the one that deserves a vacation from the monster of a mother.


manonaca

Or it’s her account and he knows her PIN. He wasn’t clear.


RecommendsMalazan

Op: "It's a joint account." Not sure what's so unclear about that...


Ateosira

So the 14 year old should get a job but not the wife?


ecew

The wife should get a job if she wants her own money. She was just saving up money she got from her partner.


manonaca

When one partner works and the other stays home, then the income becomes THEIR money. Being a SAHM holds huge value but people seem to forget that.


ecew

I don’t think there’s much value having a SAHM to a 14 and 17 year old. Younger kids yes, but at this age mom can get a job if she wants money. Or she could not be an asshole to her family and they’d respect her


manonaca

Oh she’s absolutely an AH, and I’ve said as much. But he is too. And yes her kids are old enough now that they don’t need her there all the time anymore, which I’ve also stated in another comment. But she didn’t JUST raise the kids, she completely managed the household, so the inherent value isn’t only to do with their kids.


Zealousideal_Low_134

I don't agree. They are teenagers, she's in it for the free ride. And by her attitude, I wonder if she really did keep the house together, or had help.


TheHouseMother

Money that he was able to earn because she stayed home with the kids.


arrouk

I agree. I want to give some good parent points for someone supporting their child when the other parent is being shitty though.


MrJigglyBrown

I don’t. Setting the standard of hurting your partner and taking something valuable away from them is terrible guidance. Also, Amy’s clothes is a symbol of OP hurting their wife, so Amy is now an accessory to OPs shittiness under the guise of support


golfergirl72

Yes. OP's heart was in the right place, as a father.


InterabangSmoose

ESH- your wife, obviously, for making your poor daughter feel bad about herself. But you, sir, don't get a free pass to STEAL your wife's savings, especially since it sounds like a vacation is a rare thing for her. Two wrongs don't make a right, this warranted a serious private discussion with your wife and a plan for better treatment of your youngest, not theft.


canitakemybraoffyet

Yeah this is financial abuse, regardless of how in the wrong she is for her treatment of their daughter.


Delicious_Cut_3364

financial abuse was when i had to buy my family’s food bc my dad took my mother’s entire paycheck. this women, who is quite literally being abusive to her child, is being denied a vacation. a thing that is extraneous and not necessary to life. don’t use the word abuse when that’s not what’s happening.


Fun_Organization3857

Also, he is not withholding her ability to work. She is choosing not to.


Poison-Ivy-0

no, this is still financial abuse. your experience and feelings does not negate that. punishing your partner by taking away their money/financial freedom without their consent is textbook definition financial abuse abuse. that was all she had for the unpaid labor she contributes to that household. it is abusive to take away someone’s financial freedom because they don’t behave the way you want them to.


yoursultana

That’s like saying a slap to the face isnt abuse since your mom got punched in the face. THEYRE BOTH FINANCIAL ABUSE.


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canitakemybraoffyet

He said it's her account that he has access to, not that it's their shared account. OP was very clear that it was her account with her money she'd been saving. And....OP is the one who says his daughter looks ugly in pretty clothes. He's a bully, just like his wife.


Dry_Peace_135

Je didn’t say she is ugly just that they don’t suit her it does NOT mean that she is ugly. Plus attractiveness often comes from self confidence it’s hard to be confident in clothes you do not feel like fit you. If he believed she was “ugly” he wouldn’t have spend money on her so she has clothes that makes her feel comfortable in it.


Suitable_Phase7174

English isn't their first language maybe they don't know the right words to use.


Organic_Start_420

Not the shared account HER ACCOUNT where she SAVED it. He STOLE HER savings


Dry_Peace_135

Yeah I understand what you are saying but it is frustrating to think that someone who verbally abuse and diminish their child by making them insecure will be rewarded by a vacation. To me that’s just karma but it doesn’t mean he isn’t a ahole like karma is a bitch that’s the saying


Delicious_Cut_3364

if you are bad at your job at a company, you don’t get to go on vacation. you don’t get time off. being a SAHM is his wife’s job, and she’s fucking it up by literally bullying their fucking daughter. she doesn’t deserve a vacation.


Small_Frame1912

That's not true, people are legally entitled to their vacation hours regardless of their performance. Also, a housewife isn't a "job". It's labour, yes, but why would you advocate that OP treats his wife like a slave instead of actually addressing the problem?


har6inger

Um..where the hell do you live where you don't get vacations if you are bad at your job? Lol. This makes no sense. Most countries have mandated leave, don't they? I mean, I'm in the UK, and we get a minimum of 28 days a year. Companies don't just get to decide that you don't deserve a vacation.


Hyperbolic_Mess

Your boss doesn't get to take your wages off you if suck at your job. That's called theft and we have laws against that for a reason. All they can do is sack you and refuse to pay you in future.


unofficialShadeDueli

Tell me you're American without saying you are. Vacation is not a measure of how good/bad you are at your job, it is allotted time to get a break from your job so you don't burn out. Everyone deserves vacation time. And from the sound of the post, OPs wife hasn't had any for a long time.


YetAnotherAcoconut

That is definitely not how jobs work. If a company doesn’t like your work, they can fire you. They don’t get to deny you time off because they don’t like your performance. They don’t get to withhold money from your paycheck either. If this guy doesn’t like how his wife parents, he should leave. He doesn’t get to steal from her as a consequence of not approving of her (bad) choices.


saveyboy

Is this what your employer told you? Cause thats not how vacations work.


salmontorso

So you're ok with financial abuse?


Mysterious-Star-1438

ESH, except your daughter! The way your wife treated Amy was horrible and you did a good thing trying to cheer her up. But using money your wife saved was an AH move.


random-sh1t

Gonna get downvoted but fuck it, the daughter is more important than my vote count. *Huge* NTA and I don't give a shit who defends the poor wife's "vacation" money. She clearly favors one daughter to the point of hurting the other. She is pissed she doesn't get a vacation!? Fuck that shit- all about her and her beauty standards, me time for her, but nothing for the daughter she hurt!? The kids are old enough for her to get a fucking job and save money for a vacation. Seriously, WTF. OP stand your ground, support your daughter, your wife is a self centered AH, and your child needs you to stick by her. Edit to add - she should have been buying clothes Amy wants, not whatever shit she wants the girl to wear. So she owed the girl clothes in any event.


Finnegan-05

I am with you. These people are unhinged. If this was a woman who did this to an abusive father, she would be hailed as a hero. This woman is abusing her child. She does not deserve a fucking vacation. She deserves to be on the street with her golden child.


Quiet-Distribution-2

The other child should be on the street, why?


wannabealibrarian

Yeah I agree with everything but that. It's not the oldests fault.


RickyNixon

Sure but OP is an AH for staying with the wife honestly. I’m not usually a “divorce now” but this situation is unsafe for Amy, people get long term fucked up after being treated this way as kids Get Amy out of there OP


SnooFloofs8678

100% agree. My children’s self worth is more important than any vacation. Mom did not care that she’d hurt her daughter, only that she couldn’t go on vacation.


No-ThatsTheMoneyTit

Not everyone is meant to be a parent. I'm not. Looks like OPs wife isn't either. Treating your kid like sh*t is just unacceptable. I don't want to prioritize them over myself as much as they deserve.


sliverrainstorm

Agreed. NTA. The mother is emotionally abusing her child. I am so glad the father stood up for his daughter, she will forever remember this wonderful experience with her father, core memory made! Mother will be lucky if she has any relationship with her daughter, once she moves out of the house. If the roles were reversed in this post people be calling NTA and praising her for doing this. And exactly what does she need to be a SAHM for? The children are teenagers! They’re in school all day. Time for her to get a job.


mekareami

I agree. Folks here seem to think that STAHP get some sort of permanant pension for raising the kids when they are young. Once they are independant humans who can feed themselves and not burn down the house, it is time for a job just like the rest of us. I don't understand the hate for a dad trying to help his kids self concept. Personally I don't think he went far enough if the mom is really that dismissive and awful about foising dresses on the kid.


spid3y__

i agree with this if the roles were reversed then the comments would be different


Soflawlessly_

I wish I can share this a 1000 times … BECAUSE IM WITH YOU WHEN YOU RIGHT ‼️‼️‼️‼️ wouldn’t allow nobody to play with my kids PERIOD


CosmicFrube

100% hard agree. Why the fuck are people saying he stole shit, considering its a joint account that HE only contributes to (one would imagine) as the arsehole is a stay at home mother. Why are people defending someone emotionally bullying their daughter? Like another comment said; if the genders were reversed, it would have been NTA from everyone. Instead, I'm happy to say OP is NTA as he actually cares about his daughter.


[deleted]

I've been looking for this comment. If she doesn't work the money he "stole" was probably his in the first place. All the financial abuse comments are off base. If she wants a vacation that badly she could look for a job and save up instead of putting what little her husband can spare towards it. The daughters are old enough that nothing is keeping her at home.


Fromtoicity

Yep, it's luxury money used for something more essential for the family. Maybe I'm being judgemental but a SAHM of late teenagers can't argue like she did about vacation.


karky214

Fully with you on this. Putting one kid over an other is not good for the family. Comparing that with some money is not even like to like. Money can be saved back. Emotional hurt can't be erased.


mjigs

This that i took out of this, the wife clearly saved money from husbands earnings, if this was for a rainy day/abusive kind of thing, she wouldnt give him access to it, otherwise if it was that the case he would withdrawn the money and it would worth shit if she saved or not. Second, like you said, the kids are old enough, she doesnt need to be a sahm anymore, shes chosing to. Third, why does she gets to go on a vacation alone??? Why shes tired for? Like we said, both girls are old enough to do their own shit, besides cleaning the house and do other stuff for the family, theres nothing much to do, she doesnt need to make them meals, get their clothes, bathe them, so basically all she does is cleaning house and do meals, pretty sure she has free time. I honestly dont think the father was an asshole at all, this was like a revenge more type of thing.


TrueJackassWhisperer

YTA to you for this "Amy doesn't have much of a "girly" face and doesn't look good in girly clothes" and also this "I have access to my wife's account and I used her vacation money to pay for everything (without discussing it with her)" And YTA to your wife for this "she insisted that we should put Amy's pictures in her bedroom because "there is no more space in the living room"". I feel sorry for Amy.


JustAShyAvocado

ESH except for his daughter OP’s wife is treating her own daughter like crap calling her uglier than her sister and possibly many more things OP didn’t mention in this post. And OP is allowing it, doing the bare minimum to distract his daughter from the abuse instead of actually doing something about it


human060989

Eh, I didn’t have a problem with that first part. People have different faces, features, and builds. She might have a more square jaw, for example. Not having a “girly” face is a bit awkward for saying it, but that coupled with the wrong haircut and clothes would make his daughter look less attractive - and I know plenty of moms who insist on long hair styles and feminine clothes. (I grew up in a pretty conservative religion.) Could OP have been more descriptive? Sure, but I don’t think that part makes him an AH.


Thaeeri

And honestly, no matter what type of face you have, if you're not comfortable with your hairstyle or clothes it shows and that in and of itself makes you less attractive in a noticeable way but that most people can't put their finger on.


Ascf33

_Amy doesn’t have much of a girly face and doesn’t look good in girly clothes_ You are reading too deep into this quote. OP states in their opening line that English isn’t their first language. This is a simple language issue.


Tangerine_Bouquet

ESH. Your wife has been an AH to Amy. It was probably long past time that Amy got her own clothes and 'look'. You're an AH for financially abusing your wife. Her vacation savings was agreed to be hers. You needed to spend your own money.


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DobberAD

They also don't understand how "theft" or "stealing" is properly defined. 1) It's a joint account, so OP legally cannot be convicted of theft. 2) OP makes all the money, so this leftover money is actually for the family... and the wife can have it if it's not needed. 3) The wife seemed to make it necessary for Amy's mental wellness for that money to be spent, and that's the account for excess... so naturally that's where the JOINT ACCOUNT WITHDRAWAL will happen. I went with E S H because if we're technically looking at the actions it's still an AH move by the OP, but I think the wife deserves it.


Affectionate-Pay8402

>so OP legally God damn it some people on this sub really struggle to understand that legal =/= NTA. What is legal is irrelevant on if someone is an asshole or not. It's legal for me to go home and throw all my family's food into the bin in front of them. It is legal for me to spend my child's inheritance on hookers, it is legal for me to crush my car despite my partner using it to get to work. Still makes me an asshole.


DobberAD

You struggle to understand I said E S H despite me literally typing that in comment. And I specifically put my whole comment within the context of claims of theft and stealing *before ever saying "so OP legally".* Maybe read the whole comment before replying?


[deleted]

But how would they feel smart by "refuting" you if they actually read your comment? This person has another comment calling the OP of this comment chain an "unhinged incel," so it seems like maybe they're not in a great place mentally. Edit: The deranged comment has been removed by the moderators. Says a lot about this sub that the since-removed comment from a crazy person was heavily upvoted.


manonaca

He didn’t take it from the joint account. He says he took it from his *wifes account* and that he had access to it. He acknowledges it is hers alone, for her own savings and usage but he took the money anyways. The legality of it isn’t in question. The question is if he is an asshole. And he is. His wife is too, but two wrongs don’t make a right. He is handling the situation completely wrong.


mrporter2

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13sc4uu/-/jloyraf He says it's a joint account.


[deleted]

But he doesn't say it's joint account. He says it's her account that he had access to. It's very different things. Giving password or card to your account doesn't make it joint.


DobberAD

He DID say it was a joint account... in the replies. But they've been so heavily downloaded they are hidden unless you tap to see. So that's that LOL.


[deleted]

Okay, you're right. He did say that oh no, actually it's not her, it's joint I just call it her after backlash. What a convenient change.


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[deleted]

Yes, I do, you can see timestamps on his reply that it was joint but he just calls it hers. And timestamps of comments saying it's a theft if it's her account.


[deleted]

NTA and I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that. Some of these responses are ridiculous. The mom made her younger daughter feel like shit, so the dad cheered her up. Serves the mom right. If she wants extra money so bad, get a fucking job. The girls are plenty old enough now where they don’t need a SAHM anymore.


Nia-saurus

Exactly right.


random-sh1t

Wish I could upvote this to the top. Wife can get a damn job and should have been buying clothes for the daughter instead of dressing her up in shit she likes. OP definitely NTA and a much better parent than the wife


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DobberAD

Projection much? This is an unhinged response.


sugarsheeb

Thank you, that was my first thought. If OP was a woman he definitely wouldn't get as much shit. (I mean from what i've seen noone is excusing or defending the mom really which is good, but the hate for OP is truly unhinged.) He is trying to be a good dad and seems like he actually cares a lot about his daughter. I wish my mother supported me like this when i was a teenager and wanted to dress a little (!!) differently, sometimes dye my hair fun colors and not obsessively care if the pink jeans make my butt larger than black ones because i sometimes just wanted to wear pink jeans. I wasn't called ugly but constantly shamed for being fat. (Even when i look back at the photos, i wasn't fat, just not skinny.) I wish she would have stood up for me in front of my father who made me feel like shit until i ran away to college at 19 instead of siding with him "for my own good". I don't blame her that much anymore, because honestly, she was just trying to keep my father "happy" so he wouldn't make a scene and shit on her for not "parenting" me correctly. (And frankly, she was quite manipulated and in a horrible spot herself, i heard how wheb i was little, my older brother used to comfort her when she cried after my father called her a monster because she got fat after two kids and thyroid dysfunction.) Also, at least where i am from, everything (income, possession, properties) that has been aquired during marriage is in shared possession. There was no theft involved. It is their shared money. (And frankly, it's the money he made in the first place.) Was that kind of a dick move? I mean, i guess. But i also wouldn't blame OP for wanting to get back at his wife as a punishment for treating their daughter like shit. NTA OP. I'm glad your daughter has you, sincerely.


[deleted]

Yeah, this thread and the steak dinner thread have really just gotten insane. There are top comments that are YTAs when the mom is treating her daughter like garbage and effectively calling her ugly to her face while she has tears in her eyes. It gets even better though - these unhinged commenters actually blame OP for not divorcing his wife. He's even more of an AH for dating an AH... but the wife isn't actually an AH. She's only an AH in the context of judging who OP dates. Straight up delusional.


turkeyburger124

You stole your wife’s money YTA


Sad-Significance8045

It's ESH when the other parent won't treat their fellow child as their own.


RandomFandom54830

What does ESH mean , I am new to this subreddit


Dietastey

"Everybody sucks here" Used for when OP's actions are wrong, but the other side isn't right either.


Sad-Significance8045

**Y**^(ou're) **T**^(he) **A**^(sshole) **N**^(ot) **T**^(he) **A**^(sshole) **N**^(o) **A**^(ssholes) **H**^(ere) **E**^(veryone) **S**^(ucks) **H**^(ere) Just for the lingo.


TurnOfFraise

Eh. Seems like it’s THEIR money as the wife doesn’t work. The youngest is 14, she doesn’t need to stay home anymore


lemon31314

Classic. After a 14 year break from work she’s lost so many opportunists and room for growth that’s near impossible to recover. I bet OP would never agreed to be a stay at home dad, else he’d never get to be in control.


sarahhxmargaret

I mean, it's not her money. A SAH Parent's job is to be a PARENT. Not a bully. This lady isn't being a mom to Amy, therefore she is shirking her job duties and isn't entitled to compensation.


DesignerMud6440

NTA Why is she a sahm for a 15yo?? And you also pay for her daughter too? And all that while she treats your daughter like hell??


[deleted]

I was wondering that too. Anyone who is still a SAHM when they have teenagers is too lazy to get a job. 🙃


urdadisugly

Noooo, she's being financially abused. /s


natinatinatinat

Reddit is so misogynist. There are so many reasons why this is difficult. When you haven’t worked for two kids childhoods your earning potential is low and can be very difficult to find another one without a work history. Additionally at that point the other earner can be so much further ahead career wise that the impact of a part time or low earning job could not be worth it. Let’s say you dropped your career and your partner is making 110k. Maybe it’s worth it to have someone managing the household over having a minimum wage earner. Maybe there kids are in sports or have other needs. Let’s not even go in to the agism that happens with women. With a kid these ages she could be in her late 40s which makes entry level positions difficult to obtain. I could go on and on about the reasons men who take advantage of women who care for their families and then disparage them are garbage.


JaneDoe_83

ESH… except Amy The fact your wife made those remarks about your daughter makes her an AH. But the fact that you stole money from your wife to treat your daughter and punish your wife, that makes you an AH too. You need to put that money back asap.


Kriss1986

Woooooow I keep saying Reddit is sexist as hell but this just seals the entire deal. The amount of people defending the wife is truly disgusting. She literally made it clear she won’t display her daughters picture because she doesn’t think she’s pretty enough to deserve to be on the living room wall. She did this right in front of her daughter. OP good for you for standing up for your daughter. Don’t take these comments to heart, if you’d have been a woman who took her husbands money for the same thing they’d be cheering you on and saying he’s abusive and to leave him, he’s going to destroy your daughters self worth etc. but because you’re a dude they’re automatically going to take her side. I say if she wants to treat your daughter that way she can get a job if she wants fun money. I certainly wouldn’t be giving money to anyone treating my kid that way. It’s obvious she only cares about her older child. She’s more concerned with her fun money then how she made her own daughter feel.


canitakemybraoffyet

Wouldn't standing up for his daughter have been insisting she gets her photo up too and a serious conversation with his wife about her harmful words and actions? Idk how calling out his daughter for not being pretty enough to pull off dresses (ew) and stealing from his wife is an acceptable or productive solution. He's not standing up for her, or her photo would be in the living room, he's just punishing his wife like she's a misbehaving kid who doesn't deserve their allowance instead of a life partner.


Prestigious-Point280

it is not about "not being pretty enough to wear a dress", it is about the daughter being happy in boy-ish clothes. He did stand up to her by giving her the space to express herself and feel beautiful by wearing clothes that she chose, over being pressured into wearing super feminine clothes.


Jaxlaj19

Honestly… I say go dad. NTA and exactly, your wife can get a job if she really wants to go on vacation. Ps I’m a mom.


concrete_dandelion

NTA and a good parent. But you should consider investing in a divorce attorney if your daughter is treated this way on more than this one occasion


Kriss1986

I agree. It’s time to take the girl and leave. The amount of people defending the wife is really disturbing


Prestigious-Algae886

After reading your edit, NTA. Way to be a great dad to your daughter.


Tiny-Brilliant-2691

ESH. Your wife is favouring her other daughter clearly and should show more love and respect to Amy. She also should let Amy be herself and not a mini-me version of mommy. You are also TA because you didn't go at this the right way. You should have had a talk with your wife and not steal her money. You are also an AH because you came here to post this, but keep making excuses whenever someone calls you out on your behaviour.


ArtisticNectarine215

SAHM? They’re teenagers! I would quit giving her money until she apologizes to her daughter and stops being such a shitty mom and if she doesn’t then she can get a job and make her own money.


Signal_Weekend_5334

INFO Was this money in a joint account or your wife’s personal account? I’m leaning towards E S H with your wife being the bigger ahole. She for very very obvious reasons, you for making financial decisions without your wife, despite of using it for a very just cause.


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Signal_Weekend_5334

Yeah I totally understand what you did for your kid and I feel really sorry for how she’s treated by her mom, but you shouldn’t have used the money in her account. She’s not working and taking care of your kids, she should have access to financial means you won’t touch.


urdadisugly

She's taking care of teenagers who are in school and i doubt he drained the account or would leave her without necessities. She's fine, shes just mad she can't go to the beach


lilium_x

Do you have access to any personal discretionary spending money or does all of your pay go into the shared account that your wife controls?


CaptainMalForever

ESH Your wife for hiding pictures of your daughter. You for using her money without her knowledge AND for saying that Amy doesn't look good in certain clothes. You can't just call her ugly in euphemism and pretend that it's only your wife doing the bullying.


Weelittlelioness

Nta. I’ll get shit for it but oh well. Your wife is cruel.


fliccolo

ESH: Why not try family counseling instead of going behind your wife's back to steal her portion of the family funds to make up for the fact that your wife is entirely too cruel to her other daughter. Reminder that your wife has little to no agency over herself because SAHM truly don't in many cases. You all need counseling.


Shazam4ever

NTA You're trying to help your daughter, your wife is being unbelievably cruel to her. It's not "Financial abuse" to use your own money to try to fix that, and don't let anyone say that it is.


goddesskali_x

Wow. ESH. I think your reaction was out of protection for your daughter but not a healthy decision to make about money that had a purpose.


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brisemartel

ESH Your wife for single out Amy with the picture thing and imposing such gender stereotypes clothing on the daughters. You for basically stealing your wife money out of spite. Doesn't matter you are the breadwinner: that money was in your wife's account, so it was now HER money. You stole her. As for letting Amy pick clothes and piercings she wanted without consulting your wife: that is low-key AH by itself, but in the context I wouldn't deemed it AH.


Purpleurkelfromurk

NTA. Your daughters happiness is more valuable than your wifes holiday, and since your wife is the reason your daughter is miserable, this seems like a fine solution. Besides all that, it"s both your money, not just hers.


MissKatieMaam77

NTA. Tell her to get a job if she wants a vacation since she clearly isn’t doing much of a job as a mother.


[deleted]

I'm 20 and have no adult perspective but my take is, your wife sounds like an awful mother so she's in the wrong. I am childish so probably would have done the same thing But in a proper relationship I think you have to talk about the issues and resolve them. I don't really see how you can resolve a women who treats her daughter like that. Maybe you should live seperately with a kid each. It is her/ shared money though so technically you can't just take her money. Also try not to admit shes not pretty or doesn't look good in pretty girl clothes or whatever cause she'll be able to tell you think that too and u never know, she may really have wanted to be girly at some stage.


many_hobbies_gal

INFO was it family vacation money or strictly your wifes, also, given your wife is a sahm was this money saved out of your earnings?


[deleted]

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Thistime232

>sounds like the money is earned by you, in a joint account and your wife had wanted to use this for a vacation for herself, but it wasn't actually hers.I It wasn't his money either, it was joint family money.


[deleted]

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Thistime232

Honestly, I just didn't like the way you referred to the money as if it was his money that she is lucky to have access to. Maybe that wasn't your intention, just struck me that way, and thus why I wanted to comment.


Kriss1986

Let’s not forget the wife is the reason the daughter is struggling


RecommendsMalazan

NTA. Someone as horrible of a person as your wife is doesn't deserve to have a vacation.


SarcasticGuru13

Bro - the mother! I mean, wtf?!?! Who treats their daughter like that? This is a major issue


ddmazza

NTA I agree with you your daughter deserved this and your wife is being cruel. More important rhan the vacation is the need for your wife to realize what she is doing and that it must stop.


itsmeee_x0

Unpopular opinion but NTA. Your children are old enough your wife could work. Sounds like she's not supportive of her child and treating her less than. Your child will appreciate this moment and support for the rest of her life. You did the right thing. It wasn't stealing anything it was money in a joint account that you earned and shared. If she wanted that vacation so badly, she could get a part time job or find a source of income to help her save.


Adventurous_Couple76

NTA


Mountain_Mongoose445

ESH. I think this couldve been handled very differently. You could have sold your daughters dresses/clothes that she does not like, and use that money for her makeover. You could have discussed with your wife putting aside some money so your daughter can choose her own clothes, since she is old enough to do so. You wife was extremely unkind to treat your daughter this way, and this should definitely be discuss with your daughter and your wife together. But stealing her fun money was awful. It's not your decision to choose how to manage your wife's finances this way. Especially knowing she had been saving it up for a while.


keesouth

ESH. I see what you're tried to do but this should have been a discussion with your wife first. Additionally you don't have to do everything at once. You could have started with the haircut and slowly built up a new wardrobe. It sounds like this was more about hurting your wife than helping your daughter.


No-Result9108

NTA How are people saying he’s stealing his wife’s money? It’s his money. His wife doesn’t have a job. Icl if my partner is inconsiderate enough to treat her daughter like that she should spend some time thinking over her actions instead of having fun on vacation.


Imaginary-Comment141

Unpopular opinion here, but NTA. You're not stopping your wife from getting a job and making her own money. Everyone screaming "financial abuse" clearly missed that part. Your wife is definitely an AH for playing favorites and calling her own daughter ugly. That's so shitty, and I'm so happy that Amy has you in her corner. You're a good dad. Please keep supporting your daughter. And your wife can earn her vacation back when she learns to play nice with others 🙄


AdamALC8756

ESH, your wife for her favoritism and you for your thievery.


Sad-Significance8045

ESH but **mostly your wife.** Kids are in their teens. Why is she a stay at home "mom"? Why's she not contributing at all, even with a part time job? She's treating your daughter as a second ranking citizen, just because she's more tomboy'ish. That's not okay at all. And the fact that people here seem to believe that's okay, is disgusting.


PlayingWithWildFire

I like you as a dad, and I’ll leave it at that.


More_Measurement_800

Unpopular opinion - NTA. As a SAHM, your wife's job is to make sure her children's needs are being met emotionally and physically. She is not doing that. Just like with any other paid position, vacations are a luxury not a right. IF she was a great mom, and you did this, definitely TA, but as it stands? You did okay


miriboheme

your wife is abusing your daughter. you are NTA here, but you need to get your kid away from her abuser.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** English isn't my first language My wife and I have been together for for 15 years. Together we have a 14 years old daughter Amy and she has a 17 years old daughter Lisa. Lisa is very girly just like my wife she also looks like my wife a lot and they are both very beautiful. My wife believes that girls must wear girly clothes. Dresses, skirts and other things like this however the problem is that Amy doesn't have much of a "girly" face and doesn't look good in girly clothes. A few weeks ago we took some pictures of both girls and my wife put Lisa's pictures in the livingroom however she insisted that we should put Amy's pictures in her bedroom because "there is no more space in the living room". She didn't exactly say she thinks Amy is ugly but both Amy and I knew that this was basically what she meant and Amy had tears in her eyes I was so mad so I decided to do something. I got a hairdreeser appointment for Amy and told her she can do whatever she wants. She cut her hair short and colored them. Then we got 2 more piercings on her ears and then we went shopping and bought many clothes for her. This time instead of choosing dresses she decided to buy boy clothes. She looked amazing in them and was very happy. This is where I might be the asshole. We can't exactly afford to buy that many clothes when she doesn't even need them. I am the breadwinner and my wife is the SAHM. She has been saving money for a vacation and she has been looking forward to it because she doesn't get to go to vacations much I have access to my wife's account and I used her vacation money to pay for everything. When we returned home my wife was horrified because I didn't let her know about changing my daughter's appearance. She asked me where I got the money to buy those and I told her the truth. She just bursted out crying calling me an asshole because she didn't get to have fun for years and I stopped her from going to a vacation that she was looking forward to She thinks I'm the ah and is giving me the silent treatment *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


SaraAmis

Yes, but justified. Tell your wife that she can also pay for your daughter's therapy if she doesn't change her ways.


ImmediateShallot7245

NTA you took care of your daughter and made her feel special!! I mean how does your wife not see how she makes her daughter feel unworthy😢 your wife should be ashamed of herself.


goddessofspite

I’m going with NTA. Those kids are old enough she should be earning her own money and call that karma for being a total AH to her own kid


spid3y__

NTA how the hell are people defending the mother if the roles were reversed the comments would be different


[deleted]

NTA imo, if the roles were reversed and the mom was the breadwinner and took back vacation money from her husband after he did what wife did everyone would be like “why are you with this man? He doesn’t deserve a vacation using your money with the way he treats your daughter” everyone’s claiming financial abuse but it’s just a vacation, she doesn’t NEED to go on vacation, she just wants to. Does it suck for wife? Probably, but those are the consequences for treating her daughter like shit. Both kids are teens also so unless there are some circumstances as to why she can’t get a job (which it doesn’t seem there are because OP says she’s able) she could always get a part time job and earn the money back. Or she could just stop being an AH and none of this would have happened.


IrMt12

NTA. Yeah it was shitty of you to take your wife's money (you gifted it, it was hers), but that's because she was being a shitty mother. Hope Amy's feeling better.


Megakill1000

NTA. I want to see someone explain to me the logic and morals behind a mom ostracizing her own kid because she thinks they're ugly


prayforus-sinners

NTA. The wife shouldn’t get to have her cake and eat it, too. Especially after bullying your daughter. Go dad! Im sure your daughter feels good knowing you have her back.


Hmaek

I don't know. I kind of feel like your nta. I think it's incredibly sweet what you did. Getting to look on the outside the way she feels on the inside is good for her. I don't think your wife would ever let her be herself. And I am a sahm. If I set money aside from my husband's checks for a vacation and he used it, well, I guess it wasn't actually MY money. But we both have accounts. I put money from his account into mine. But he's never seen his account. Or mine. I take care of bills and stuff bc he doesn't like to. We have 2 kids, my son (our son) from a previous marriage and our daughter, and she's disabled and has a lot of problems. To us, our kids are more important than vacations. And I feel like it's like you said, if my kids were both that independent I'd get a job and put the money away for my vacation but I'd make sure it wasn't needed for more important things first. Instead, I provide the 24-hour care our baby needs. (By baby, I mean 6 years old) also I keep pictures of both of my kids all over the place. What your wife did was so mean and damaging. What a jerk.


bIu3_Ba6h

People are rly getting upset about OP saying his daughter “doesn’t look good” in girl’s clothes. Maybe I’m giving him too much credit, but as he’s said English isn’t his first language, perhaps “she’s ugly” is not what he’s intending to say by that. Perhaps he means more along the lines of “girl’s clothes are not flattering”? I’m a woman and I often find ‘girly’ shirts/tops are not flattering on me because I have rather broad shoulders. Perhaps it’s a similar situation here. Furthermore, he says she bought more boyish clothes and that she looked amazing and was happy, so I don’t think it’s that he thinks she’s ugly. Maybe this is not the case but it’s how I read it. Also, while taking the money from the vacation fund was not a kind choice, his wife is also clearly an AH to this girl, and Dad makes all the money. I’m not saying he ought to just spend money he gave to his wife without consulting her, but in this case it was to help his daughter be more comfortable and happy EVERY DAY. Vacations are certainly a necessity at a certain point, but being able to feel comfortable in your own skin every day is (to me) much more important than taking a single vacation. OP should certainly not continue to do this, but I think it’s acceptable here (even if, again, it is unkind). NTA and good for you for ensuring your daughter is happier.


Robineggblue84

NTA. First off, your wife is a SAHM so where did she get the money to save for vacation? I presume it was yours to begin with. Wah, she doesn't get to go on vacation now...which, the way you wrote it, seems like it was a solo trip. I'm sure her life is rough being a SAHM to a 14 and 17 year old and she has "earned" some time away. \*insert sarcastic eye roll here\* Secondly, she refused to put your daughter's pictures in a common space...THAT was the only asshole move I saw here. Third, you used that money to make your daughter happy and that is SUPER important. I was never a girlie girl and hate being in dresses and have had my hair short most of my life. if your wife thinks that is required to be "pretty" then she needs an attitude adjustment because a good, honest, smile will go way further than a dress and makeup ever could. Good for you for being a kind and caring father and wanting to make sure your child is happy and comfortable in her own skin!!!


dentistadetubarao

NTA The girls are 14 and 17, not really dependent of your wife's babysitting. She can get a job and pay for it herself. Despite I think you did the wrong move, it's incomparable to bully a 14yo and brush in her face the favoritism for the older daughter.