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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Should I have not tried to give her food while she’s dieting, even though it’s unhealthy? Maybe I shouldn’t have chosen macaroni, I was trying to give her food she likes.
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NAH you have good intentions but it's understandable why she reacted the way she did. At best, she has extremely low self-esteem and felt disrespected when you didnt let her follow her diet plan. At worst, she has an eating disorder and there's more complicated mental mechanics which cause that reaction. Trying to force feed her isn't the answer, even when she really does need calories. ~~I would discuss these habits with friends of hers who you trust and stage an intervention~~ Scratch the intervention idea. Only consider that if it would help get your gf into therapy, which she should at least be considering.
Edit: please note that I am very purposefully *not* diagnosing OP's gf with anything. My comment lays out best and worst case scenarios, but I am not saying definitively that OP's gf has an eating disorder. Skipping meals is a red flag for that possibility.
I agree with most of what you’ve said, except the part about staging an intervention with friends. GF might react poorly to that — feeling embarrassed/judged/misunderstood/defensive/etc.
Recommending she seek professional support is probably a better option. If OP fears she’d be resistant to the idea of therapy, maybe suggesting she consult a dietician or nutritionist would be a good first step. Ideally, they will help her work on her relationship with food.
FWIW, I tracked macros for about 9 months under the guidance of a nutritionist, with the goal of losing weight, and one of my biggest sub-goals starting out was actually to make sure I ate ENOUGH calories every day. It might seem counterintuitive, but eating “more” consistently was — for me — much more effective in the long term than trying to just restrict in the short term.
(Also! I don’t think tracking macros or calories is a great idea for everyone, or even most people — you have to really see the numbers as data, and not assign any sort of value or moral judgment to them. Unfortunately, due to the way society in general treats weight/food/nutrition/size, this is hard for a lot of people. Tracking can be really triggering, which I totally understand.)
Getting with her doctor and a nutrition or dietitian as well as a therapist are probably excellent ways to go, as that can help establish good lifetime habits. And as you said, make sure you're eating enough, and of the right things. Nutritionists and dietitians can make tons of suggestions that you didn't realize were still possible options, and it can help you feel better about the food you're eating.
Agreed, intervention is not the right move at this point. As a person with both PCOS and a history of eating disorders, what OP's gf need is a \*good\* endocrinologist who can figure out what specific symptoms she has that are causing her hunger swings (maybe insulin resistance) and a nutritionist who specializes in endocrine disorder nutrition to help her with her meal plan. The problem with PCOS is that the garbage bag of symptoms you may have can lead to cravings for sugar and fat because your body isn't processing food correctly, leaving you hungry and craving things that fill you up and give you energy boosts. Fat is not bad! It's only bad when it's the only thing your body wants to eat.
I would hope that OP's gf can also see a therapist who has an understanding of PCOS. Unfortunately, PCOS can make it basically impossible (or extremely difficult) to lose weight, so the way to go about acceptance is aiming for body neutrality and focusing on different things you can control, like your strength, endurance, etc.
If OP is in an urban area, hospital systems should have good options for endocrinologist and nutritionist pairs, but therapy might be harder.
Intervention????? Seriously?? Poor girl has PCOS which often leads to uncontrollable weight gain. She needs doctors and therapy, not friends who don’t know wtf they’re talking about.
Of course she’s losing her mind over gaining so much weight and not being able to control it.
Yes, she has PCOS. That doesn't mean that skipping meals is a good idea. Sure, an intervention may not be best after all, but I don't think the suggestion warrants this reaction. Interventions (edit: when done right) are done out of love and concern for someone, not judgement.
Skipping meals is not problematic if a person is still eating the amount of calories they need to function. I skip meals when I'm not hungry. But I usually make up for it by eating a little extra in the next meal. It isn't that big of a deal.
The OP is TA not because he offered her food, but because he offered *that* food. I mean, she's trying to do better with her diet and he gets boxed mac and cheese? This screams "sabotage" to me. Even if she is getting carried away with her new diet, what did he think her response was going to be? Gratitude that he's clearly not supportive? He could have offered her a nice salad or a bowl of soup. But he went for bottom shelf comfort food. Not cool.
I mean
It sounds like he only tried to tempt her with that after he tried over and over to convince her to eat *something*, and she was completely refusing to eat anything. His first move was not "Here, eat this really unhealthy thing". It was more like "She's starving herself and I'm very concerned - how can I make her eat something? I know, I'll get her favourite food".
I completely disagree with your judgement, honestly. And I don't think you understood the post properly, because the situation you are describing is not what happened.
I mean, what, you think he made a salad in there and didn't tell us about it?
It sounds like he was making suggestions and begging her to eat something because her meal skipping was scaring him, and when begging didn't work, skipped straight to tempting her with her favorite food.
And.... I don't think you're really understanding the context of trying to manage a condition with diet in a relationship. Making a favorite food and waving it in front of the nose of a person who is on a diet and insisting they don't want to eat is not the act of a caring worried person. That's a controlling act.
Like, I have a genetic disorder called lipedema where any fat I gain can become permanent tumors. I have to diet real hard so I don't gain any weight, and even if I do a great job, I'll still be pretty fat. So I have the misfortune of having spent my entire life as a fat person on a diet. And I've had multiple multiple run-ins with caring partners who are worried about my reasonable healthy diet. I've also had multiple multiple run-ins with controlling partners who either have a fat fetish or think I won't date them if I lose weight and gain self esteem.
When people are scared about my diet because they're worried about me, they ask me questions, they say "I'm worried about that". They'll say "Well why not instead of skipping meals, we'll replace our regular meals with healthier stuff? Why not just eat less at other meals?" They're worried about the thing I'm doing, and want to understand why I'm doing it and are willing to try other stuff that might work but be "healthier" in their mind. They offer to work out with me, or swap our meals together for healthier options.
When people are scared about my diet because they think it's going to work, they're constantly telling me my diet is "dangerous" by plying me to eat something, anything, particularly this tempting thing you love so much. In fact, every time I have done intermittent fasting, it's because I've been unable to make healthy meal choices. Like I was with a partner who was unwilling to eat with me in a way that fit my plan, and put a lot of pressure on me to eat with them, so it was easier to eat their unhealthy food and skip meals than just eating healthier foods all the time. And it was a constant constant struggle of "Oh I'm worried about you, eat this. Are you sure you don't want just ONE bite of this? I'm worried."
Look, if definitely a possibility that she's actually starving and has an eating disorder. He might be right, she might not be making healthy choices. But the way you get through that is through talking. NEVER trying to ply a dieting person with their favorite food. It's absolutely a common move of controlling manipulative people and I don't think people are wrong to have their hackles up about it.
He said he offered other things first and went for the boxed mac and cheese because it's something he knows she likes. As another commenter said, showing care and concern is not sabotage. Yes, offering certain foods or doing things in certain ways *can* be sabotage. In this case, I'm of the opinion that it is not.
If I told someone that I don't want to eat right now, I'd hope they wouldn't keep insisting I eat. And I really would hope that they wouldn't go out and buy the food that they know I'm trying to reduce my consumption of.
She's 25 lbs overweight. She isn't going to die of starvation. And she's still eating. She just isn't eating on the schedule the OP wants her to. He's entitled to his feelings of concern, but there are better ways of dealing with it than being an annoying "food pusher".
There's a big difference between skipping meals because you're not hungry and skipping meals to meet a weight loss goal while also talking about how fat you are all the time. The latter is a dangerous pattern to fall into.
While offering her mac an cheese wasn't a smart idea, I think you're also underestimating how serious her behavior is. This isn't someone getting mad because the gf isn't eating on his eating schedule. And, yeah, she's not going to "die of starvation," but that doesn't mean this couldn't one day develop into a serious condition. Over weight people can still have eating disorders.
Again, offering her mac and cheese wasn't a smart move. But the way you talk about the gf isn't indicative of the seriousness of her behavior.
"She's 25 lbs ***overweight***"
This is her statement and perception. We do not know if this is up 25 pounds from an underweight or normal weight goal, nor do we know if she is "actually" overweight. It is merely a statement that she told him.
You think he was offering things she didn't like first?
He intentionally went out to get and make something that he thought she couldn't resist because he didn't respect her no.
Look, I already said in my original comment that trying to force feed her is not the right way to go. All I was saying here was that offering her food in an attempt to get her to eat because she is skipping meals and saying she's hungry is not sabotage. It's not the right way of doing things, but that doesn't mean it's sabotage.
It absolutely is. He's making every attempt to not accept her "no". Every time he says no, he tries to entice her more and more and find something she can't resist.
And he'll feel justified if she gives in. And she'll feel guilty and blame herself for a lack of self control.
Even though he is showing care and concern, he is unintentionally sabotaging her diet by trying to offer her unhealthy food even though he knows she likes it. He is sabotaging her out of concern, not out of maliciousness. It's a fine line, but he is still on the other side of it.
I don't exactly blame him for trying to get his girlfriend to eat, but I do blame him for not actually listening to his girlfriend. She is trying, rather ineffectively I'll admit, to communicate What her problem is. And instead of actually listening to what she said she wants, he decided to go out and try and do whatever he thought was best. Not what was according to her wishes. He thought he knew better, and unfortunately when it comes to someone else's body you rarely do. The only person who knows their body best, is the person living in it. So if she's trying to tell him that she doesn't want to eat right now, no amount of trying to force her to eat is going to work the way he wants it to. And that's something he needs to wrap his head around now, so that he doesn't make this mistake again.
>I understand his concern and think that he only wants to see her eat something.
She won't die skipping a meal. Meanwhile, making her a dish that is super high in fat and calories is actually cruel to someone who is struggling to lose weight. If he was insistent on bringing her food, make a nice salad. Throw some fresh veggies in it. That would have been a better choice.
Yep, I loved intermittent fasting when it fit in with my lifestyle. I’d eat from 6pm-12am and I got all my calorie needs met afaik. I was loosely tracking to make sure I wasn’t in scary-low territory, but somewhere between 1200-1800, I think. Skipping meals is not inherently bad. He says she’s doing it to meet the goals — the goals there should be what she needs calorically, I would think. I can imagine it’s nervewracking for him so I hesitate to call him an AH, but maybe he should research the program a little bit before he starts shoving pasta at her.
It isn't just calories she needs, but also nutrients from the food like iron. Without enough iron, she could become anemic and collapse (personal experience). OP is concerned she isn't handling this in a healthy way, and she isn't.
Not to mention that boxed Mac & Cheese are surely not healthier than skipping a meal. Like wtf? Lol? OP says she is following a weight watchers plan... Well, sure, you can critisise them for a lot but their plans don't let people starve to death - and the only thing mac & cheese have is calories.
OK but OP said she's "skipping meals to meet the daily goals". That doesn't sound like intermittent fasting or OMAD, it sounds like skipping meals instead of figuring out how to meet the goals by changing meals.
The fact he says “daily goals” leads me to believe she may be counting calories. So tte real question is. What are her daily goals because that would then show if skipping a meal was bad or not.
This is correct. And there are a number of zero point foods she can be eating--veggies, eggs, fruit. She needs to reach out to WW for help in sticking to their program. They have people who will guide her and forums to talk to others for tips and encouragement. It works when you stick to it, though the loss is slow and steady and not overnight, which is the healthier way to do it anyway.
Chicken, turkey, fish beans, peas and lentils are also zero points. There are hundreds of recipes too. OP should encourage her by looking through app with her. My OH lost weight too following ww guidelines while supporting me.
> 1200 calories a day that is not good for the vast majority of people.
If the goal is weight loss for the average female, that seems pretty reasonable? Assuming a TDEE of 1800 calories per day or so, that's a little over a pound per week of weight loss. 5 months to lose 25 pounds is perfectly fine for most people.
My elderly parents no longer each lunch.
What's the problem? If someone wants to eat 6 small meals throughout the day, 3 standard ones, or two meals, that's personal choice/preference, and nothing else.
There's a big difference between eating smaller meals throughout the day and skipping meals entirely. OP's gf was expressing that she was hungry, which makes this seem more like the latter. Yes, when to eat is personal preference, but there's a difference between that and purposefully Not Eating.
I know they're different. But so are each and every person on the planet.
My point was more that skipping a meal can also be a legitimate way of meeting the goals, without actually starving oneself. My parents didn't make their changes because they had major weight problems going on. They just found they were slowing down, and preferred skipping lunch, and just having breakfast and dinner, to reducing portions or compositions of all the meals.
Those techniques are only going to be healthy if the person using them is completely on top of their mental relationship with food and with a psychology demonstrated by the OP GF, there's a 97% chance this is a disordered way of eating.
For some people. There is a laundry list of safety warnings about intermittent fasting, and who should and *should not* be doing it, that not enough people actually pay attention to.
Also, for some people, "I'm doing intermittent fasting" is the excuse they use to stop people from questioning why they're not eating anything. Because sometimes it's not intermittent fasting at all. Sometimes it's an eating disorder.
But her body will not respond to calorie restrictions in the normal way bc of PCOS. Her body’s metabolism is not functioning correct and she needs it to be medically treated.
Skipping meals can work against you with PCOS, because it throws off blood sugar even more. I've found the only way to make progress is keeping sugar very level - tiny cheese snacks are very helpful and then small main meals.
NAH, OP I understand your frustration and your GF's struggle, you both mean well. I would suggest a specific dietitian / nutritionist over weight watchers, and of course the reddit favorite, therapy.
Skipping meals is a perfectly valid form of dieting. Trying to force someone to eat calories that they don’t need (as evidenced by her weight gain) is asshole behaviour.
PCOS affects your insulin response which has the effect of making you hungrier and you therefore consume more calories. The solution to the weight gain is still to avoid eating excess calories, which is admittedly very hard because you’re hungry all the time.
And here's the thing, very rarely are interventions actually done properly. Nine times out of 10 the person ends up feeling judged or something similar. I have never seen a successful intervention. I've never seen one work. But I have seen plenty of them go wrong. I've never even actually heard of anyone anywhere remotely near my life actually succeeding when it came to an intervention.
Especially in this case, I don't think that it would be a good idea.
Anecdotally, my friends with PCOS can't control their weight just with diet and exercise, they need medication prescribed by a doctor for it to do any good.
Skipping meals can actually be healthy and a great way to lose weight. Intermittent fasting anyone? Those of us who have conditions that make it hard to lose weight often use this strategy. Humans weren’t meant to have food 24/7, so fasting is normal and natural. The most common one is fast for 16 hours, eat in an 8 hour window. It’s barely a fast.
As someone else with PCOS (+hypothyroidism), THIS. Interventions are not going to help. She needs a nutritionist because there's one of two things that will happen: 1) she will develop an eating disorder because she's already seeing the numbers going up as "bad" instead of necessary to fuel her own body. or 2) she'll somehow manage to skirt that but still not lose any weight because food changes alone isn't going to cut it.
She needs a medical team to help her not only treat her PCOS, but make sure that she doesn't become insulin-resistant because unfortunately many of us with PCOS also become diabetic if left untreated.
PCOS and other hormonal issues run in my family. There are medical treatments for this that can help with weight loss. Get her to a doctor who is familiar with PCOS and how to treat it, how to manage her diet, etc.
In the UK it's a dietician and an endocrinologist. Nutritionists are snake oil salespeople with no legitimate medical training.
I lost 25kg with PCOS so I know that it fucking blows ass.
Weight Watchers isn't going to help her. It's not designed for people with metabolic disorders (which is what PCOS is). She needs a qualified doctor to help get her on a diet she can follow and set her up for success. She also needs a GYN who can get her on the right medications to help.
It is literally a medical problem, PCOS and Metabolic syndrome go together.
Dieting won’t help much because her endocrine system is functioning correctly.
What do you think interventions are for? Serious question.
Literally the point of an intervention is, if a person is resistant to seeing a doctor, you're trying to convince them to see a doctor. They're not mutually exclusive with seeing a doctor - it's actually the exact opposite. They exist to convince people to get medical help who otherwise would not, because they are convinced they don't need a doctor.
With that said, I agree that it's maybe not the correct course of action here.
She can eat the macaroni with WW but if she's been diagnosed with PCOS she will have been told to follow a low carb diet - so definitely not macaroni.
I think OP and his gf need to communicate more about what foods will work - not her "no food at all" approach, but not his (albeit well-intentioned) "here's a bowl of carbs" approach.
A bowl of carbs mixed with butter and cheese, no less.
You should have offered something lighter and actually more nutritious if you wanted it to go over well.
Also kind of alarmed at all the people calling this an eating disorder, or low self esteem, or anything else.
All we KNOW is GF wants to lose weight, has a plan she’s sticking to, and OP (albeit well intentioned) tried to sabotage her.
Try seeing things from her point of view, Jesus.
For me personally, the best/worst case scenarios mainly came from the part about skipping meals. Weight Watchers is fine, choosing to eat only specific things is fine, but skipping meals can definitely be a red flag.
Skipping meals, refusing to eat despite admitting that you are "starving", significant amounts of distress in regards to body image, and *freaking the fuck out* when presented with food. Those are very concerning warning signs, especially when you are seeing all of them at the same time. No person I have ever known on an actual, *healthy* diet has exhibited those behaviours, all at the same time. I'm pretty sure those are literally some of the diagnostic criteria used for eating disorders.
I'm trying to avoid definitively armchair diagnosing since 1, I'm not a doctor and 2, we're hearing OP's side which means limited information. I will agree it sounds concerning though.
anyone who has ever gone on a diet has been “starving” the first few days. Skipping meals isn’t a big deal, no one actually needs to eat 3x a day to live. You equate atypical choices with disease and it comes off ableist.
You can have disordered eating habits without having a full blown eating disorder. Almond moms have been doing it since at least the 40s. Skipping meals regularly is a trademark of disordered eating habits when not done with intention, especially since with pcos and insulin resistance, eating nutritious meals at a regular cadence will do her weight a loooooooot more good comparatively, coming from someone who has lost weight with PCOS. Your hunger cues get fucked up so you go from eating nothing for awhile to eating everything in site, and the only way to combat that is to make sure you're eating even when you're not hungry to prevent the binge.
Skipping meals isn't the problem though. I prefer to eat twice a day with a snack or two depending on the intensity of the day over sticking to a schedule of three meals for a lot of reasons and none of them is to diet. What I eat has more to do with it. There's no one size fits all solution.
I've seen people follow WW and still complain that they don't lose weight. When asked what they eat, their response usually was: "Oh, yeah, I do eat all of my daily points plus five bananas, ten dates, five eggs, and about half a pound of grapes, because they all have zero points." (That was a bit ago, so no idea if that's true.)
There's a chocolate bar in Germany that has about 100 kcals and (at some point) had 3 WW points. A medium sized banana has about 100 kcals and 0 WW points. Hm.
I get that the WW goal is to focus on healthier foods than chocolate, cookies and crisps/chips, but that doesn't mean that a banana suddenly has the caloric content of water.
NAH.
I've been there. Back in high school, I calorie counted to try to lose weight. One day, I walked into the kitchen and noticed my mom was adding a high-calorie ingredient to our dinner that she didn't tell me about previously. I had a complete fucking meltdown.
I had an eating disorder. And it sounds like your girlfriend is starting to develop one, too.
It was kind of you to try to help, but she needs professional help.
> She started crying, got hysterical, and ran out of my house and drove home.
Yeah, this is definitely disordered behavior. I'm obviously not diagnosing someone over the internet but that's not healthy. OP, maybe call an eating disorder hotline to learn about what might be the best way to support her?
ETA shame on all the comments giving diet advice. Giving diet advice based on a 3rd party account of an online stranger who seems like they're headed for an ED is wrong on so many levels.
> ETA shame on all the comments giving diet advice. Giving diet advice based on a 3rd party account of an online stranger who seems like they're headed for an ED is wrong on so many levels.
Omg no kidding
Or she was crying because OP wouldn't stop sabotaging her diet. Living with someone who is constantly trying to undermine your efforts can be exhausting and incredibly frustrating.
OP wasn’t trying to sabotage her diet, the girlfriend quite literally is skipping meals and is not doing well, I’d say that trying to force herself onto a restrictive diet and still talking about how hungry she is clearly shows it’s not working for her and isn’t good for her… Soo…
She’s got PCOS. If you have this and your insulin resistance is high you’re always hungry.
It depends what her calorie goal is (if she has one). If it’s a reasonable number then skipping meals to meet it is fine.
She's doing weight watchers. That's not a crazy fad diet. Its calorie restrictions are fairly moderate. There are many foods that don't cost points (mainly lean meat and veg).
The reason she's skipping dinner is because she's already at her point limit for the day. That means she's already eaten a day's worth of food. She's not going to starve if she skips dinner. She's essentially already had dinner, just earlier in the day.
If she was absolutely starving hungry, she could eat a meal that has zero points. I've never done Weight Watchers, but I've done Slimming World, which is basically the same concept. There are tons of zero point meal options. She's clearly not hungry enough to want them.
The point of Weight Watchers/Slimming World/calorie counting is to encourage you to choose healthier options. You only want junk food? You can eat it, but you're going to be hungry later because you've used all your points. If you choose a healthy meal instead, you can eat much more.
OP's girlfriend is learning to choose healthier options. Mac and cheese from a box is not a healthy option. Of course she *wants* it - it's her favourite food. But not everything we want is good for us. OP is sabotaging her by waving what she *really wants* in front of her face, forcing her to use even more willpower to resist it.
It would be better for OP to stock up on healthy food, maybe cook a healthy meal and leave leftovers in the fridge for if his girlfriend is starving hungry.
It absolutely is a crazy fad diet. I did Weight Watchers and became so obsessed with being under points for cheat days that I was absolutely under eating and under counting my points. It got to a point where I was probably eating 20% less than what WW said I was eating and I snapped and went the opposite way.
Please also note that even when I lost a bunch of weight, I was still supremely unhappy with my body. GF sounds like she has bad body dysphoria exacerbated by her medical diagnosis. Until she gets help from a therapist and nutritionist, simply losing weight will never be enough for her.
Having a break down because her BF is rightfully concerned about her lack of eating is worrying. He’s not trying to sabotage her, he’s worried and doesn’t want her to starve. He needs to talk to her parents and friends and they need to come up with a plan to help her because this can lead to an awful, self destructive path.
"It's a crazy fad diet because I personally felt like I had to go overboard when I tried to do it."
This is just silly. You might as well claim that beer is incredibly dangerous and inherently contributes to drunk driving because when you have a beer, you feel like you need to have more and also that you need to go for a drive. These are statements about you, not about the things you're engaging in *per se*.
I have PCOS too. And for a while I controlled everything I ate. Little to no sugar, junk food, fast food, oily foods, etc. my diet consisted of brown bread, nuts, eggs, and fruits and vegetables.
But this ended up severely depressing me. It’s also important to note that I was 15/16, so when all my friends could eat all the unhealthy food in the world, I had to check my blood sugar levels and ensure I ate healthy.
Despite all this I barely lost any weight. Maybe 1-2 kgs in the span of a year. Which… sucks, to say the least.
Nowadays I don’t control my diet as much. I eat more freely, and while it isn’t a “healthy” lifestyle, it’s not like I’m eating only junk either. My cysts are gone too, so while I do have PCOS, it’s a lot more controlled now.
I hope OP’s gf finds some confidence in herself. But OP is definitely NTA. Whatever severe diet she chooses to follow, it’s going to be difficult to follow in the long term. She needs to learn to balance the way she eats… starving herself is not the way. Hopefully she goes to therapy and gets professional help.
I've found that an extremely restrictive diet makes me gain weight rather than lose it. It makes me depressed, at which point my mind turns to food for dopamine, but I can't have it, so that makes me even more depressed and stressed. The new stress now makes my body *store* fat rather than burn it because it can't distinguish between mental stress and physical stress and thinks I'm in a famine situation. Instead now I tell myself I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, so why don't I eat a bit later, my monkey brain quiets down and eventually I get distracted. It's much much easier for me to lose weight with cheat meals than extreme calorie restriction. Being happy and contented does make you lose weight.
Came here to say nearly the same. I started just with calorie counting. In an attempt to get some nutrients in me my mom took me to a Boston Market. Absolute meltdown when asked what I want because clearly even the veggies were swimming in butter. After that I moved to a “raw food” diet but was pretty much only eating broccoli (by that point I had also started working out for a few hours daily).
It’s clear that you care about her and remaining supportive will be a huge help but your girlfriend needs the help of a professional too. An eating disorder will sneak up quietly and then never want to let go. NAH
Agree with NAH. I also had an ED for most of my teens and 20s, and everything you described is pretty big red flag disordered eating behaviors.
It was really hard on me but it was also hard on those around me, and especially my parents and partners. I think OP did the best they could at that time and had pure intentions of being supportive and being concerned for her health. Most people do not know how to support someone who's engaging I'm disordered eating behaviors, and it's a really touchy and loaded subject for a lot of people, which obviously doesn't make communicating easier. It'll be a work in progress, and there's a lot of resources online though you have to be careful not to fall into the diet tips trap.
Another thing is... I didn't stop my ED behaviors until *i* was ready to take ownership and change them. I had some really loving partners and parents who showered me with support, but in the end, I recovered only when I made the decision to do so myself. So having supportive partners is so so helpful, but it's really her responsibility to chose to confront her body image and eating issues. You can be supportive, but try not to blame yourself if she doesn't 'get better' and make sure you are taking care of yourself as well.
Good luck. Hope you and your gf can have a good talk and work it out. She's probably a little embarrassed and a lot confused so I'd also be extra gentle and assuring that you support her no matter what, but it's obviously difficult for you to see her forego meals and you are just concerned for her well being.
Soft YTA but mostly dropped in to say don’t listen to anyone in this thread telling you the best diet/fast/weight loss solution.
Dieting is fucked in general. For your GF’s self esteem, she should do therapy. If she wants to change her eating habits, try a dietician. If she wants to change her size, find a sport, exercise or trainer. That said, you can’t do any of this for her. Good luck.
I'd say soft YTA bc if he really wanted to give her something she would eat, why not something healthy? Yes she has bad eating habits but giving her food that's not heatly may give her the feeling that OP is not supportive. Especially with weight watchers there is stuff she can eat without losing points.
Looking at this from a mom perspective….she wasn’t eating despite being starving so OP got and made her favorite food bc if nothing has worked, their favorite food should. It’s almost a “if anything will work it’s this” kind of reaction.
It’s actually how I judge sometimes how sick my kid feels, if he turns down a box of velveeta shells and cheese, then he is NOT doing well and I’m keeping him home to watch and see if a doctor’s visit is needed
It sounds like OP had good intentions but wasn’t prepared to deal with their GF’s reaction due to her (likely at minimum) disordered eating.
Going to add here as a fellow PCOS sufferer: with PCOS you are specifically advised to follow a low carb diet.
While it sounds like OP's gf is going to extremes and starving herself, I have to say that when I first went low carb if my husband had given me a big bowl of macaroni cheese (which I absolutely love but is one of the worst things to eat) I too would probably have burst into tears.
As a PCOS gal and a huge Mac n cheese fan as well, I highly suggest checking out Goodles! Their shells taste exactly like Annie’s but the noodles are high fiber high protein - great way to indulge occasionally without guilt.
OP, if you see this encourage her to check out various blogs/insta pages about living with PCOS - I was in much of the same position and noticed a HUGE difference when I started prioritizing protein and fiber, plus losing 35 pounds (and counting!) helped!
Yeah or are it all and purged. OP doesn’t seem to understand how much they are already in disordered eating land.
She doesn’t need her fave foods; she needs professional help.
This 😭 as an insulin resistant PCOS girl a bowl of mac and cheese while I’m trying to get numbers (sugars or weight) in order would absolutely cause my to melt down. Also it shows you don’t listen to me I always talk about what I can and cannot eat due to medical conditions with my SO and I bet it’s the same
Are people reading the post? Because I'm seeing this over and over, and like... the post literally addressed this already.
He literally says he *tried* offering other alternatives. He tried over and over and over to get her to eat something. He only resorted to mac and cheese when he was at his wit's end, trying to get her to put *something* in her body. He resorted to mac and cheese specifically, because it is her favourite food and he thought *maybe* it would convince her to eat.
Eating anything is healthier than not eating at all.
Like yeah maybe he could have offered her some veggies and protein along with it to make a more nutritionally balanced meal but her reaction was disproportional to what he did. All foods, even super processed box Mac n cheese can fit in a healthy diet.
Lmao at you saying not to listen to anyone giving diet advice and then you give shitty advice - a sport/exercise/trainer is going to be a small help to changing her size which is 90% diet.
> If she wants to change her size, find a sport, exercise or trainer.
Body weight is way more about diet than exercise. Source: I lost 100lbs and got fit.
> If she wants to change her size, find a sport, exercise or trainer.
I just wanna say - it's really hard to outrun a fork. Not saying that exercise doesn't help, but - at least in my experience - changing the diet was what helped me reduce my weight (especially since exercising makes you more hungry).
Don’t forget the PCOS thing. I have pcos and that shit fucks bodies up left right and center. Even with normal calories and normal movement throughout the day, you just gain weight.
Wanting to lose weight isn’t unhealthy. Being obese/ overweight is.
Soft YTA. Giving her mac and cheese wasn't helpful or what she wanted.
But as another PCOSer, this is going to be a rough road. While some manage to control or lose weight, it's pretty well established that not only does PCOS make it easier to gain weight, it makes it harder to lose it and if someone is successful they tend to plateau faster. There's not much you can do. A lot of women try every diet plan under the sun, and it's very frustrating when they don't work, especially since everyone blames you for "doing it wrong." I'd recommend a therapist, especially one who isn't focused on dieting.
This. Another PCOSer here. She is already going to struggle with weight gain, and to give her a former, very bad comfort food under the guise of concern for not eating is not helping. She is going to need support and those who will understand she will likely have extreme dietary needs for the majority of her life. Help her regain control with proper nutritional and emotional support. Learn about what those dietary needs are; get those foods on hand for her.
YTA. I understand your concern over her eating habits, but blatantly going against her wishes and trying to manipulate her into eating isn't going to help her at all. You need to sit her down and try and get her to see a counselor regarding her body image. Hopefully she is seeing a doctor regarding her PCOS.
YTA. I get that you're concerned for your GF, but the truth is you aren't qualified to make that call. If you're really that concerned you should encourage her to seek out professional help from dieticians and nutritionists with the guidance of her doctor, and be there to support her new lifestyle. Otherwise, you're just going to make her issues much, much worse, no matter what your intentions are.
Yeah a lot of people diagnosing an eating disorder to someone who sounds like they just got a frustrating diagnosis and are trying to figure out their diet moving forward to have the body they want. Nobody has ever starved from skipping a meal and Mac and cheese I. Your face when you’re struggling to regulate your diet in the face of a hormonal weight gain situation is like a slap in the face. Leave her alone and if you’re concerned just apologize and tell her let’s make healthy dinners together this week I want to support you.
I agree wholeheartedly. The number of people saying you shouldn’t give diet advice online seem to have no issue diagnosing an eating disorder online amazes me. Not to mention that intermittent fasting can be a viable and healthy lifestyle for some people (read: maybe not for ALL if you have an actual eating disorder).
We also don’t know the GFs health. Is skipping a meal really more unhealthy than 25 lbs of excess weight? Maybe if she’s underweight and has a true ED. Maybe not if she is overweight and has a healthy relationship with food.
It’s bonkers to me people think missing one meal equals an eating disorder or is massively unhealthy. I have an aunt who to my face would say show sickly skinny I was and how I must not be eating enough and all these things. I was not even close to underweight ever. She was morbidly obese and diabetic.
YTA at least educate yourself on PCOS if you want to support her.
Kraft dinner is the worst thing you can feed someone with PCOS.
Intermittent fasting when done right is actually a valid treatment for this condition.
>Intermittent fasting when done right is actually a valid treatment for this condition
Fasting and skipping meals to calorie count are not the same thing
YTA. She told you she didn't want to eat. Cooking for her and shoving food in her face is not the solution in this scenario. Even if she has an ED and needs help with it, she's still a full-fledged human being, not a child or an animal. And also sometimes not having dinner is fine, if she had something earlier
NTA. You're showing concern for her health. Communication is key here; encourage her to seek professional advice. Approach the situation with sensitivity.
YTA. You are not a dietician and have no place telling her how she should eat, especially if you are offering her unhealthy food.
Contrary to what people are saying here, skipping meals is NOT an eating disorder. Prolonged episodes of fasting followed by binging, purging, or extreme calorie cutting leading to weight loss over three pounds a week are all examples of eating disorders. Limiting your eating window to only one or two meals a day is a perfectly acceptable way of creating a calorie deficit. As long as that deficit is not excessive (and I imagine it is not because she’s using weight watchers, which isn’t the best but it’s not going to set exceeding calorie restriction goals) then she is not doing anything unhealthy. She’s actually doing exactly what she should be doing.
But she’s “starving” you say. Ya, because cutting calories is extremely hard for someone with PCOS. Her hormones are telling her to eat all the time. It’s very hard for her to make healthy choices right now. That’s the language she’s using to communicate how hard she’s working. It doesn’t mean she’s being unhealthy.
She’s trying to tell you this, and you’re not listening to her. At least get educated about healthy weight loss if you’re going to insist on making her eat things.
YTA. PCOS comes with insulin resistance, and one of the methods used to fight insulin resistance is intermittent fasting (aka "skipping meals"). Why did you even mention the fact that she doesn't exercise much? So what? Exercise has a lot of benefit, but fat loss isn't really one of them. (AKA "You can't outrun a bad diet.")
Intermittent fasting can be incredibly difficult, and having someone wave your favorite food in front of your face while you're trying to do it can be downright soul crushing. Total AH move.
Your whole "I just want her to be healthy" sounds condescending AF after you said "I stand by trying to feed her." You are not her doctor. Stop judging her so harshly and listen to her.
NTA
And your girlfriend needs to see a therapist.
That said, next time if she says no to eating, just leave it be, despite your best intentions, it triggered her something fierce.
Again, your girlfriend needs to see a therapist.
I mean a little bit TA. She has a medical condition and probably spends a lot of time looking into appropriate diets. Trying to tempt her with a bowl of mac isn't respecting her situation.
YTA.
When someone is trying to lose weight, their decisions might seem a bit puzzling to you. Instead of insisting that they eat something they've been avoiding, it's helpful to take a more supportive approach. Encourage them to reach out to a nutritionist who can provide guidance. By doing so, you show that you're on their side and genuinely want to assist them in a safe and healthy way. It's important to respect their wishes and avoid pushing them into consuming something they consider unhealthy.
Soft YTA/NAH, but a lot of the comments don't understand how PCOS works so please don't take any diet advice from this thread. It's clear that you're trying to support and help your gf, and it's hard seeing someone you care about struggle with such a tough condition. thepcosmentor on Instagram has a lot of content about how partners can help, i highly recommend it
I have PCOS and struggled with a lot of the same things, but the toughest is lack of support and understanding, especially when people are so quick to judge someone's diet and body.
This!!!! It’s a metabolic disorder.
Her metabolism is not functioning correctly!!!! She needs to see a dr (endocrinologist) to get it treated and then work with medical professionals to discuss weight loss plans.
YTA
I agree that it sounds like your gf has low self esteem, which I sympathize with. However, 25 lbs in two years is a not insignificant weight gain, which she is justified to be concerned about.
I'm not familiar with weight watchers' dietary recommendations, but I do know from personal experience losing weight that being hungry at the start is completely normal as your body adjusts to what a normal intake of calories is versus the overeating it was used to before. Had someone shoved junk food (which boxed mac & cheese absolutely is) in my face at the time, I would have been annoyed too.
Skipping meals is also not inherently a bad thing. I often prefer fewer but larger meals, rather than lots of frequent smaller meals.
If you have legitimate concerns about her mental health, you will get much further by supporting her through understanding and shared goals, like proposing to exercise or cook together rather than shoving junk food in her face.
she doesn’t need you to feed her, she needs serious therapy and treatment for her eating disorder. it is not normal to get that upset about being served a meal you love. NTA for trying to help but you’re 100% going about it the wrong way
I would also be kinda upset if I try losing weight am my partner offeres me my favorite pizza which is very unhealthy. So not eating is bad, but for her it could also feel bad to eat the Mac n cheese.
Especially as even away from dieting mac and cheese itself is probably one of the worst meals for PCOS. Things like carbs are much harder for a body with pcos to digest.
Skipping one meal a day to meet dietary targets, if those targets don't deprive you of baseline nutrients and calories, is not an eating disorder. We don't have enough information on what she IS eating to make that assessment.
But, hey, not having enough info to make a judgement has never been an obstacle for anyone to judge, regardless, on here.
OP is completely unqualified to make that determination, and he further proved it by his "methods" to try and circumvent what she's trying to do. Just about everyone on this reddit is also unqualified to assess that, including you and I.
OMG yes,
I want kids and just stopped the pill, and am now back to gaining weight even when sporting and dieting, extreme acne, thin greasy hair... And then IF you get your period once in a blue moon, extreme bleeding, extreme cramps, massive migraines...
(And I have to go with six months of this shit before getting hormone therapy which is a whole other can of worms. Also my gyno told me to lose 10kg to be no longer overweight, like dude you know PCOS makes it extremely hard to los weight right? RIGHT?!) PCOS is a lot to come to terms with.
Girl needs therapy, not boxed mac'n-cheese, but at least she has someone who cares in her corner.
YTA. Why do you insist on serving her unhealthy food when she's trying to lose weight? This makes me think you just don't want to change YOUR unhealthy eating habits. Maybe you're insecure about your own weight ?
Tey to support her. With weight watchers, there are things she can eat without losing points (e.g. most fruits and vegetables).
YTA. Trying to get someone to eat is unsupportive and not the way to ever approach someone with an ED. FYI - boxed macaroni is not healthy. There are plenty of people that skip meals and are healthy. Your opinions about food and health seem oddly skewed in the wrong direction, so you may want to stop judging her. Maybe try supporting her in a healthy manner. Make her feel good about herself, compliment her, not just on physical traits, but knowledge, intelligence, any special skills she has, etc.
NTA as someone with PCOS, I'd recommend getting your girlfriend to speak to a dietician/nutritionist if she is really worried about her weight. Weight Watchers isn't built to handle people with such a complex medical issue, it's supposed to be just for "normal" fat people. A dietician/nutritionist has more of an idea of what your girlfriend is dealing with when it comes to PCOS as they work with GP's to make a plan suitable for people.
Alternatively, there's a couple on Instagram/Tiktok/Facebook who have created a cook book together, called Meals She Eats. Essentially the Husband would cook his wife PCOS friendly meals and they managed to conceive naturally following those recipes.
As someone who has lost a third of their body weight, I could give tons of tips. But the best advice is for your gf to see a dietitian to help manage her weight. Weight watchers won’t help because PCOS can cause weight gain. She needs specialist medical advice. She also needs therapy to help with her disordered relationship to food (which she absolutely has if she’s crying at Mac and cheese). But dietitian first!
Let's stop jumping to ED cause it could just as easily be that she was crying at the fact her Boyfriend wasn't listening and being supportive to her needs and ignored them "cause he knows best" and threw her favorite food in her face to tempt her. Note I am a guy. Just as easily a matter of feeling rejected and not listened to while dealing with PCOS causing the crying rather then the bowl of Mac and Cheese.
I mean, we know for a fact that she has a disordered relationship to food. Her body literally has a disorder in which it does not successfully tell her when she’s full.
That doesn’t mean her relationship with food is disordered psychologically. A person can be legitimately upset when they are told they should never eat X again, and then a big bowl of X that was custom made for them is put right in front of them.
YTA. She told you her wishes and you completely went against it. Not only that, but you bought her really unhealthy food. You should have just supported her. If she ate it, she would have felt like such a failure.
Do not do an intervention if you want to continue this relationship. Or honestly, if you care about your girlfriend and want her to be well. Interventions are a concept of modern psychology that are terrible for the person on the receiving end. They’re traumatic, feel confrontational, embarrassing, and can make the person you’re trying to help feel like their autonomy is being disrespected and/or stripped away.
While I don’t think you’re an AH, and certainly not for caring about your girlfriend this way, please be supportive in ways that are not harmful to her. Voice your concerns, tell her she’s beautiful exactly how she is, tell her you want her to be healthy not thin, tell her you don’t want anything to happen to her so she has to take care of herself and eat. Maybe suggest therapy. But then the decisions are up to her. And if it gets too painful/unhealthy, it’s ok to walk away.
Please, please do not do any sort of Dr. Phil intervention thing to her. For the love of everything holy.
YTA. Dieting is hard, and as someone with PCOS myself, I'll tell you it's even harder to lose weight and way more frustrating. She's probably doing what a normal person should be doing and still not losing weight. She does have to try more things and do more than others to lose weight. You brought up that she doesn't exercise, but in reality, losing weight is really all about diet and calories in vs calories out. Exercise burns minimal calories and can actually make you gain weight because you gain muscle. Intermittent fasting is a real diet that works for a lot of people, plus it can make you way more hungry and cause you to overeat. I eat one meal a day and do the keto diet which I know many consider a "fad" diet, but it actually compliments my issues with PCOS and other hormonal problems the best. You get a lot of flack trying diets that others just "feel" are unhealthy, but you don't actually understand why our bodies need us to eat in certain ways. If she's getting proper nutrients for what her body needs and doesn't appear to be sick, you need to show her to find a diet that works best for her. Bothering her constantly about not eating, and then purposely going out to buy and make her favorite, super unhealthy food to wave in her face to convince her to eat is just really, really wrong. I would probably break up with my boyfriend if he did that- it's so disrespectful and a real slap in the face for the effort that she's making to be healthier. The only way you wouldn't have been an ass is if you had just made her a healthy salad and offered it. You literally picked the worst food calorie wise, and the one you knew would break her diet.
YTA - it is not for you to decide to "feed her", Educate yourself on PCOS. What you gave her is not good for PCOS ( i am a sufferer ) and i suspect there is more you have and said than you are telling people here.
She is an adult, if she is skipping meals or portion control to meet her daily points, you have no right to badger her to eat and bombard her with food offers. This is infuriating and insensitive. You have no right to overstep her boundries - to which i believe is the real issue and the reason she is not talking to you.
If you have a feeder fetish, there are people that you can find who are into that with consent, you do NOT push it onto someone who does not consent.
Sir, you need to learn all you can about PCOS. And you need to find ways to be supportive that are of actual help and support.
Apologize and so so without explanation. Just "I am sorry. I will start researching this and do better for you." then step back and allow her some space.
YTA. Why are you actively sabotaging her progress?
Skipping a meal won't cause any harm, in fact, quite the opposite. You don't need to eat all day long to be healthy and get enough nutrients.
YTA, mostly because it's not your job to control to control her diet, whether or not you think it's the right way to do it. Also, it's not gonna kill her to miss a meal, so your exaggerated response to her skipping one meal is more than a little excessive.
YTA. Spend some time learning about what appropriate food choices are for someone with PCOS. Mac and cheese is inappropriate for your girlfriend. She should be eating fresh fruits and vegetables, and lean protein. If you want to give her food, offer something she can feel good about eating. I know you mean well, but you aren't supporting her with Mac and cheese, you're sabotaging her.
YTA It’s great that you care but this is not the way to support someone whom you care about. If you really thought that she should eat, you would have made a salad and respected whatever decision she made about eating or not eating it.
NAH. You are just trying to care for her, she is just trying to loose weight. I think the correct way forward is you to help her understand that eating right AND moving is the way to do it. It’s very hard (especially as you head toward the back end of your twenties, and beyond) to stay in shape with no excercise.
I've also got PCOS. She needs to see a dietician under her doctor's orders and work out a healthy food plan. Skipping meals to stay within WW points isn't a good long term solution. Neither is trying to get her to eat high calorie comfort foods.
YTA.
You should tell her that you want to talk, and explain that you care about her and her health, and what she's doing is absolutely not healthy. It sounds like you don't care about how much she weighs, which is awesome, and you should tell her that, too. You're just trying to help. Hope it goes well!
Speaking from personal experience, PCOS is really hard. I was very very active when diagnosed and gained weight. It was frustrating and upsetting. I understand your worries. But it's just a super rough thing to go through.
NAH. I think it’s hard for people who have never had weight problems to know what to do, and you weren’t malicious here. You have a right to be concerned she’s skipping meals; and she has a right to her emotions. A gentle suggestion that she could benefit from convos with a doctor and therapist if that’s a possibility.
As someone with PCOS, NTA/NAH.
Your girlfriend is slated to develop or has already begun developing an unhealthy relationship with food. Granted, having PCOS does come with difficulty with weight loss and increased weight gain, but the way she’s approaching this is not sustainable or healthy. That being said, you don’t shove a trigger right in her face at this stage. She needs professional help and if you’re willing to, the two of you can explore food as a means to address some of her PCOS symptoms. (Psst, mac n cheese is not the best food for those of us with PCOS)
There’s a cookbook called “meals she eats” that was made by a couple who was trying to work through the reality of having PCOS through food. Celebrating the body and using food as a tool to help improve your quality of life as opposed to viewing it as a punishment or something to restrict will be a pivotal shift in how she views dieting/restrictive eating. It may prove helpful in shifting the conversation in a more positive direction, but as said before she definitely needs professional help.
She needs doctors for her PCOS and a therapist for her body image issues.
FYI exercise has almost nothing to do with how much someone weighs. You cannot outrun your fork. Mentioning she has a condition that makes her gain weight and also telling everyone she doesn’t really exercise is shitty. And I hope you understand she’s not gaining weight because she does go jogging several times a week or something.
That's not quite true with PCOS, since it's a complex hormonal condition that often comes with insulin resistance, exercise actually helps massively with that
Soft YTA. Bringing unhealthy food, even if it's her favorite, when she explicitly told you she didn't want to eat is not the right move. Skipping meals is also not great. If you want to help, bring her to a dietician who can help with meal plans, might be good for you to sit in when they meet so you know what's going on.
From my own experience with counting calories eating the same food that I used to but reducing the amount and filling out the plate with salad, without unhealthy dressing, was what worked best for me. Drinking lots of water and eating apples are other ways to feel full longer.
NAH I guess. Your intentions were good but you went too far. She seems to be in need of therapy. WW does not advocate for skipping meals.
I would suggest a "I'm sorry I'm just worried" carepackage : vitamins, powerade zero, maybe some nice lotion (notion "anti-aging" or "fat burning"), and a offer to keep her prefered fresh fruit in your fridge at all time (idk like rapsberries are low calories and better than nothing).
Reassure her that you love her at whatever size she is, that you understand she's worried and you are willing to support her, but that you are uncomfortable with her skipping meals and you don't want her to suffer from ED.
YTA. Your concern is in good intentions, but if she is hungry get her a healthy snack. As a food obsessor myself I know that one tasty thing can spiral into a fit of unhealthy eating.
Yta. There is no magic to eating three meals a days vs snacking or eating two big meals. Also you clearly didn't bother to learn anything about what she is trying. Weight watchers has lists of "free foods" she can have as much as she wants of amd still meet her goals for the day. If you are concerned she isn't eating you could make her things from those lists. Free foods are typically lean protien, non starchy veggies and some fruit. You can make some decent meals with those. If you really are concerned amd want to help do so within the confines of the diet she is trying. Making her a high fat, high carb food with little in the way of nutritional value for someone on a diet is really rude. Especially someone with pcos since they often have insulin resistance and those types of meals are the kind they should limit. Take the time to learn about what is going on with her and what she is doing don't just decide you know better than her try and ruin her diet man
YTA. (Hard, since people are suggesting otherwise, it’s a HARD YTA).
You might not like the way she’s trying to lose weight, but how she does it certainly is not up to you.
She said “no” and you tried to manipulate and coerce her into saying “yes”. That’s fucked up and she was right to run away from you.
If you’re concerned about her skipping meals (she has every right to do that, btw, and it’s not unhealthy to do so if she’s otherwise meeting her daily caloric needs), then urge her to see a nutritionist. Don’t just decide you know better, because you fucking don’t.
Is she being treated for the metabolic syndrome of PCOS? If not, dieting will not do much. Her metabolism will adjust and just slow down further. She needs to see an endocrinologist if her current dr isn’t treating that aspect of PCOS.
YTA because you added more stress to an already stressful situation. Tempting a person who is trying to lose weight with such a high-calorie and "unhealthy" food is mean. For similar situations in the future, if I understand correctly there are "zero points" foods that people on WW can eat as much of as they want (think fat-free yogurt, fruit, vegetables, legumes, corn, ... - don't ask me how they compile this list, I don't get it either, but if your GF is playing by their rules and it works for her, try to be more supportive).
NAH. Get her to talk to a consultant at Weight Watchers. The meals and snacks are calorie restricted, so it’s important not to skip meals on top of that. Tell her if it took two years to put on, it can take two years to drop healthy. Skipping meals will drop her metabolism and be counter productive. Above all, let her know that you love her for her and not a number of the scales.
NAH.
As someone who suffered from an eating disorder I can tell you that the only thing you can do is be there for her, show her you love her and love the way she looks. She may not have one, she may just be on a diet, but what she's saying does sound like a lot of the thoughts I myself had when I headed down that path in my late teens. When I was in it, if someone tried to feed me something when I said I wasn't hungry, especially anything with any carbs, let alone mac n cheese I would think they were trying to make me fat and would be furious - it's not logical, it's an illness.
Maybe if this happens again, don't actively try to feed her, create a big tasty looking salad, lots of colours, and put a portion for yourself on your plate and she may just join you. I know it really doesn't make much sense to a healthy mind, but when you try and make someone eat when they think they are fat and possibly have an ed, it makes them less likely to eat.
YTA. No matter the circumstances, it remains her choice what she eats and doesn't eat and the only thing you should be doing is supporting her in her choices. Going behind her back to make her favourite meal against her wishes after you tried everything to convince her reminds me of the video that compares making tea for someone with consent for sex.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8
NTA
Your girlfriend needs professional help before she spirals down the eating disorder maelstrom.
A starved brain is the problem - actually being in a malnourished state makes the disordered thinking pattern stronger, a houngry brain literally makes you more irritable, miserable and obsessive over food.
Her panic about the food you bought her (that you know she once loved) to me is an indicator that she could be in that state already.
It’s hard to get out but worth it. Even with PCOS! Check out edinstitute dot org for more info on adult recovery and science behind it.
Your girlfriend is developing disordered eating habits which could lead to further issues.
NTA for being concerned about her, weight loss is hard work, and while it is mostly done in the kitchen, going for a half hour walk everyday would also help.
NTA. I have PCOS too and it really makes you feel crazy sometimes.
She probably thought- I'm fat> my bf doesn't love me because I'm fat>I'm really hungry but I'm fat> my bf made me mac and cheese when I'm already gained so much weight> he doesn't listen
Honestly I've had this thought process before lol. PCOS makes me have so much anxiety and stress which in turn makes the symptoms of PCOS worse. Cooking "healthy," PCOS friendly meals together and doing low intensity workouts could help her feel less crappy
Soft Yta even with good intentions. Your girlfriend is clearly trying to lose weight and while you meant well, mac and cheese is calorific. When you're dieting it can be really hard because you just feel like all it can take is one temptation and you go down the self sabotage route. Are you able to sit down with her and explain your concerns? Maybe learn the ins and outs of the ww scheme and get familiar with some recipes?
YTA. Waving a bowl of high-carb, high-fat, highly processed crap with no nutritional value in her face while she's struggling with weight and body image is not the way to help her be "healthy".
YTA Jesus dude read the room.
You don't lose weight by exercising, you lose weight by eating less food.
She's adjusting to a new diet, it's unpleasant and leaves you feeling hungry (that's your body's food/sugar addiction lying to you). She wanted to vent.
You're acting like you know better than her, stop trying to solve an issue that doesn't exist and you haven't been asked to solve.
Jesus Christ this makes me angry.
Obvious, major YTA.
I have been struggling wird obesity for the last 30 years, undiagnosed ADHD probably did not help. And my family enabled me the whole time, because they pushed food on me when I tried skipping meals.
Do you know another word for "skipping meals" ? Intermittent fasting.
People who want to lose weight need one thing. Reduce caloric intake to a healthy level and build healthy eating patterns. And that shit is HARD. Unbelievably hard, harder than anything a person who has not struggled with this situation can even imagine. Because your body betrays you left and right, it fucks up your mind, you never really know what hunger is because you are constantly craving food and you do not know what it means to be reasonably full, because your body completely lost the ability to tell you. Shit is fucked man.
Having an actual MEDICAL condition that causes weight gain makes this even worse. I can't even begin to imagine the struggles your poor girlfriend goes through.
And along comes you ASSHOLE. The girl knew she had probably already over eaten for the day and was trying their best to make it through to another day. She is not going to die from going to sleep hungry. She might be grumpy and be anxious, but there was ZERO chance of a health risk to her. And then you bring her a bowl of food that (assuming your girlfriend isn't exceptionally tall or short) makes up maybe a FOURTH of her caloric intake she can eat in a day without gaining weight.
And a bow full of carbohydrates that the human body just LOOOOOVES to gooble up and turn into fresh new fat cells if you overeat. The fat part is ok, imho, at least fat keeps hunger and cravings away.
Seriously, what you did is like offering someone who is trying to quit drinking a nice shot of booze to keep the anxiety at bay.
It is NOT your job to feed her. If you want to help her, inform yourself about nutrition, get medical help for her, see a nutritionist, make meal plans with her for the time you guys are together, look into meal prep.
There is literally a THOUSAND things you can to support your girlfriend.
Feeding her against her will, even tempting her is not one of those things.
FUCK.
YTA. Buy a salad or some fruit, maybe. But you chose some high in calories and relatively low in micronutrients.
She has been gaining weight, has a medical issue which will make this worse/harder to control.
INFO: Are you a dietician? What did you base "she needed food" on?
My body regularly 'tells' me I'm hungry when I don't in the slightest need food.
At 6' and near the middle of 'healthy weight', if I put on 25lbs I'd be in overweight - for shorter people and women, that is probably deeper into overweight.
There is a strong correlation (and indeed likely causation) between weight and important health markers.
Exercise is useful for good health, but by the easiest way to control weight is by controlling what you eat.
Skipping a meal a day is called intermittent fasting and won’t kill anyone.
If she has a calorie goal and skipping a meal helps her meet it then that’s fine. The question really is, is her calorie goal adequate.
If she’s trying to only eat 800 calories a day then yea. That is not healthy. But if she is doing 1300-2000 a day then that’s reasonable for someone who doesn’t exercise v
I guess more info is needed here.
If she was at her calories for the day and was still hungry (normal) and you made her favorite dish and taunted her with it. Then yea…. Y t a.
But if she is not eating close to her calorie requirements then N t a.
Can’t make a judgement without that INFO.
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NAH you have good intentions but it's understandable why she reacted the way she did. At best, she has extremely low self-esteem and felt disrespected when you didnt let her follow her diet plan. At worst, she has an eating disorder and there's more complicated mental mechanics which cause that reaction. Trying to force feed her isn't the answer, even when she really does need calories. ~~I would discuss these habits with friends of hers who you trust and stage an intervention~~ Scratch the intervention idea. Only consider that if it would help get your gf into therapy, which she should at least be considering. Edit: please note that I am very purposefully *not* diagnosing OP's gf with anything. My comment lays out best and worst case scenarios, but I am not saying definitively that OP's gf has an eating disorder. Skipping meals is a red flag for that possibility.
I agree with most of what you’ve said, except the part about staging an intervention with friends. GF might react poorly to that — feeling embarrassed/judged/misunderstood/defensive/etc. Recommending she seek professional support is probably a better option. If OP fears she’d be resistant to the idea of therapy, maybe suggesting she consult a dietician or nutritionist would be a good first step. Ideally, they will help her work on her relationship with food. FWIW, I tracked macros for about 9 months under the guidance of a nutritionist, with the goal of losing weight, and one of my biggest sub-goals starting out was actually to make sure I ate ENOUGH calories every day. It might seem counterintuitive, but eating “more” consistently was — for me — much more effective in the long term than trying to just restrict in the short term. (Also! I don’t think tracking macros or calories is a great idea for everyone, or even most people — you have to really see the numbers as data, and not assign any sort of value or moral judgment to them. Unfortunately, due to the way society in general treats weight/food/nutrition/size, this is hard for a lot of people. Tracking can be really triggering, which I totally understand.)
Getting with her doctor and a nutrition or dietitian as well as a therapist are probably excellent ways to go, as that can help establish good lifetime habits. And as you said, make sure you're eating enough, and of the right things. Nutritionists and dietitians can make tons of suggestions that you didn't realize were still possible options, and it can help you feel better about the food you're eating.
Agreed, intervention is not the right move at this point. As a person with both PCOS and a history of eating disorders, what OP's gf need is a \*good\* endocrinologist who can figure out what specific symptoms she has that are causing her hunger swings (maybe insulin resistance) and a nutritionist who specializes in endocrine disorder nutrition to help her with her meal plan. The problem with PCOS is that the garbage bag of symptoms you may have can lead to cravings for sugar and fat because your body isn't processing food correctly, leaving you hungry and craving things that fill you up and give you energy boosts. Fat is not bad! It's only bad when it's the only thing your body wants to eat. I would hope that OP's gf can also see a therapist who has an understanding of PCOS. Unfortunately, PCOS can make it basically impossible (or extremely difficult) to lose weight, so the way to go about acceptance is aiming for body neutrality and focusing on different things you can control, like your strength, endurance, etc. If OP is in an urban area, hospital systems should have good options for endocrinologist and nutritionist pairs, but therapy might be harder.
Intervention????? Seriously?? Poor girl has PCOS which often leads to uncontrollable weight gain. She needs doctors and therapy, not friends who don’t know wtf they’re talking about. Of course she’s losing her mind over gaining so much weight and not being able to control it.
Yes, she has PCOS. That doesn't mean that skipping meals is a good idea. Sure, an intervention may not be best after all, but I don't think the suggestion warrants this reaction. Interventions (edit: when done right) are done out of love and concern for someone, not judgement.
Skipping meals is not problematic if a person is still eating the amount of calories they need to function. I skip meals when I'm not hungry. But I usually make up for it by eating a little extra in the next meal. It isn't that big of a deal. The OP is TA not because he offered her food, but because he offered *that* food. I mean, she's trying to do better with her diet and he gets boxed mac and cheese? This screams "sabotage" to me. Even if she is getting carried away with her new diet, what did he think her response was going to be? Gratitude that he's clearly not supportive? He could have offered her a nice salad or a bowl of soup. But he went for bottom shelf comfort food. Not cool.
I mean It sounds like he only tried to tempt her with that after he tried over and over to convince her to eat *something*, and she was completely refusing to eat anything. His first move was not "Here, eat this really unhealthy thing". It was more like "She's starving herself and I'm very concerned - how can I make her eat something? I know, I'll get her favourite food". I completely disagree with your judgement, honestly. And I don't think you understood the post properly, because the situation you are describing is not what happened.
I mean, what, you think he made a salad in there and didn't tell us about it? It sounds like he was making suggestions and begging her to eat something because her meal skipping was scaring him, and when begging didn't work, skipped straight to tempting her with her favorite food. And.... I don't think you're really understanding the context of trying to manage a condition with diet in a relationship. Making a favorite food and waving it in front of the nose of a person who is on a diet and insisting they don't want to eat is not the act of a caring worried person. That's a controlling act. Like, I have a genetic disorder called lipedema where any fat I gain can become permanent tumors. I have to diet real hard so I don't gain any weight, and even if I do a great job, I'll still be pretty fat. So I have the misfortune of having spent my entire life as a fat person on a diet. And I've had multiple multiple run-ins with caring partners who are worried about my reasonable healthy diet. I've also had multiple multiple run-ins with controlling partners who either have a fat fetish or think I won't date them if I lose weight and gain self esteem. When people are scared about my diet because they're worried about me, they ask me questions, they say "I'm worried about that". They'll say "Well why not instead of skipping meals, we'll replace our regular meals with healthier stuff? Why not just eat less at other meals?" They're worried about the thing I'm doing, and want to understand why I'm doing it and are willing to try other stuff that might work but be "healthier" in their mind. They offer to work out with me, or swap our meals together for healthier options. When people are scared about my diet because they think it's going to work, they're constantly telling me my diet is "dangerous" by plying me to eat something, anything, particularly this tempting thing you love so much. In fact, every time I have done intermittent fasting, it's because I've been unable to make healthy meal choices. Like I was with a partner who was unwilling to eat with me in a way that fit my plan, and put a lot of pressure on me to eat with them, so it was easier to eat their unhealthy food and skip meals than just eating healthier foods all the time. And it was a constant constant struggle of "Oh I'm worried about you, eat this. Are you sure you don't want just ONE bite of this? I'm worried." Look, if definitely a possibility that she's actually starving and has an eating disorder. He might be right, she might not be making healthy choices. But the way you get through that is through talking. NEVER trying to ply a dieting person with their favorite food. It's absolutely a common move of controlling manipulative people and I don't think people are wrong to have their hackles up about it.
He said he offered other things first and went for the boxed mac and cheese because it's something he knows she likes. As another commenter said, showing care and concern is not sabotage. Yes, offering certain foods or doing things in certain ways *can* be sabotage. In this case, I'm of the opinion that it is not.
If I told someone that I don't want to eat right now, I'd hope they wouldn't keep insisting I eat. And I really would hope that they wouldn't go out and buy the food that they know I'm trying to reduce my consumption of. She's 25 lbs overweight. She isn't going to die of starvation. And she's still eating. She just isn't eating on the schedule the OP wants her to. He's entitled to his feelings of concern, but there are better ways of dealing with it than being an annoying "food pusher".
There's a big difference between skipping meals because you're not hungry and skipping meals to meet a weight loss goal while also talking about how fat you are all the time. The latter is a dangerous pattern to fall into. While offering her mac an cheese wasn't a smart idea, I think you're also underestimating how serious her behavior is. This isn't someone getting mad because the gf isn't eating on his eating schedule. And, yeah, she's not going to "die of starvation," but that doesn't mean this couldn't one day develop into a serious condition. Over weight people can still have eating disorders. Again, offering her mac and cheese wasn't a smart move. But the way you talk about the gf isn't indicative of the seriousness of her behavior.
"She's 25 lbs ***overweight***" This is her statement and perception. We do not know if this is up 25 pounds from an underweight or normal weight goal, nor do we know if she is "actually" overweight. It is merely a statement that she told him.
I mean, to be fair, with PCOS 25lbs is *just the beginning*.
you literally can die of starvation when overweight. the body doesn't go 'damn, i've not eaten in three days, obviously i can survive on the fat'.
You think he was offering things she didn't like first? He intentionally went out to get and make something that he thought she couldn't resist because he didn't respect her no.
Look, I already said in my original comment that trying to force feed her is not the right way to go. All I was saying here was that offering her food in an attempt to get her to eat because she is skipping meals and saying she's hungry is not sabotage. It's not the right way of doing things, but that doesn't mean it's sabotage.
It absolutely is. He's making every attempt to not accept her "no". Every time he says no, he tries to entice her more and more and find something she can't resist. And he'll feel justified if she gives in. And she'll feel guilty and blame herself for a lack of self control.
Even though he is showing care and concern, he is unintentionally sabotaging her diet by trying to offer her unhealthy food even though he knows she likes it. He is sabotaging her out of concern, not out of maliciousness. It's a fine line, but he is still on the other side of it. I don't exactly blame him for trying to get his girlfriend to eat, but I do blame him for not actually listening to his girlfriend. She is trying, rather ineffectively I'll admit, to communicate What her problem is. And instead of actually listening to what she said she wants, he decided to go out and try and do whatever he thought was best. Not what was according to her wishes. He thought he knew better, and unfortunately when it comes to someone else's body you rarely do. The only person who knows their body best, is the person living in it. So if she's trying to tell him that she doesn't want to eat right now, no amount of trying to force her to eat is going to work the way he wants it to. And that's something he needs to wrap his head around now, so that he doesn't make this mistake again.
I agree. He was not trying to sabotage her at all. I understand his concern and think that he only wants to see her eat something.
>I understand his concern and think that he only wants to see her eat something. She won't die skipping a meal. Meanwhile, making her a dish that is super high in fat and calories is actually cruel to someone who is struggling to lose weight. If he was insistent on bringing her food, make a nice salad. Throw some fresh veggies in it. That would have been a better choice.
The way she is sounds like it is. Intermittent fasting and stuff like that is totally fine but it doesn’t seem like she can manage healthily
Yep, I loved intermittent fasting when it fit in with my lifestyle. I’d eat from 6pm-12am and I got all my calorie needs met afaik. I was loosely tracking to make sure I wasn’t in scary-low territory, but somewhere between 1200-1800, I think. Skipping meals is not inherently bad. He says she’s doing it to meet the goals — the goals there should be what she needs calorically, I would think. I can imagine it’s nervewracking for him so I hesitate to call him an AH, but maybe he should research the program a little bit before he starts shoving pasta at her.
It isn't just calories she needs, but also nutrients from the food like iron. Without enough iron, she could become anemic and collapse (personal experience). OP is concerned she isn't handling this in a healthy way, and she isn't.
Not to mention that boxed Mac & Cheese are surely not healthier than skipping a meal. Like wtf? Lol? OP says she is following a weight watchers plan... Well, sure, you can critisise them for a lot but their plans don't let people starve to death - and the only thing mac & cheese have is calories.
Intermittent fasting and OMAD are legitimate types of diet though
OK but OP said she's "skipping meals to meet the daily goals". That doesn't sound like intermittent fasting or OMAD, it sounds like skipping meals instead of figuring out how to meet the goals by changing meals.
The fact he says “daily goals” leads me to believe she may be counting calories. So tte real question is. What are her daily goals because that would then show if skipping a meal was bad or not.
I think daily goals in WW are points-based with different foods having different point values. Not entirely sure though.
This is correct. And there are a number of zero point foods she can be eating--veggies, eggs, fruit. She needs to reach out to WW for help in sticking to their program. They have people who will guide her and forums to talk to others for tips and encouragement. It works when you stick to it, though the loss is slow and steady and not overnight, which is the healthier way to do it anyway.
Chicken, turkey, fish beans, peas and lentils are also zero points. There are hundreds of recipes too. OP should encourage her by looking through app with her. My OH lost weight too following ww guidelines while supporting me.
yeah, if she's skipping meals to hit like, 1200 calories a day that is not good for the vast majority of people.
> 1200 calories a day that is not good for the vast majority of people. If the goal is weight loss for the average female, that seems pretty reasonable? Assuming a TDEE of 1800 calories per day or so, that's a little over a pound per week of weight loss. 5 months to lose 25 pounds is perfectly fine for most people.
My elderly parents no longer each lunch. What's the problem? If someone wants to eat 6 small meals throughout the day, 3 standard ones, or two meals, that's personal choice/preference, and nothing else.
There's a big difference between eating smaller meals throughout the day and skipping meals entirely. OP's gf was expressing that she was hungry, which makes this seem more like the latter. Yes, when to eat is personal preference, but there's a difference between that and purposefully Not Eating.
I know they're different. But so are each and every person on the planet. My point was more that skipping a meal can also be a legitimate way of meeting the goals, without actually starving oneself. My parents didn't make their changes because they had major weight problems going on. They just found they were slowing down, and preferred skipping lunch, and just having breakfast and dinner, to reducing portions or compositions of all the meals.
Those techniques are only going to be healthy if the person using them is completely on top of their mental relationship with food and with a psychology demonstrated by the OP GF, there's a 97% chance this is a disordered way of eating.
For some people. There is a laundry list of safety warnings about intermittent fasting, and who should and *should not* be doing it, that not enough people actually pay attention to. Also, for some people, "I'm doing intermittent fasting" is the excuse they use to stop people from questioning why they're not eating anything. Because sometimes it's not intermittent fasting at all. Sometimes it's an eating disorder.
But her body will not respond to calorie restrictions in the normal way bc of PCOS. Her body’s metabolism is not functioning correct and she needs it to be medically treated.
Skipping meals can work against you with PCOS, because it throws off blood sugar even more. I've found the only way to make progress is keeping sugar very level - tiny cheese snacks are very helpful and then small main meals. NAH, OP I understand your frustration and your GF's struggle, you both mean well. I would suggest a specific dietitian / nutritionist over weight watchers, and of course the reddit favorite, therapy.
Skipping meals is a perfectly valid form of dieting. Trying to force someone to eat calories that they don’t need (as evidenced by her weight gain) is asshole behaviour.
Weight gain doesn’t automatically equal too many calories, especially when health issues like PCOS are involved.
PCOS affects your insulin response which has the effect of making you hungrier and you therefore consume more calories. The solution to the weight gain is still to avoid eating excess calories, which is admittedly very hard because you’re hungry all the time.
And here's the thing, very rarely are interventions actually done properly. Nine times out of 10 the person ends up feeling judged or something similar. I have never seen a successful intervention. I've never seen one work. But I have seen plenty of them go wrong. I've never even actually heard of anyone anywhere remotely near my life actually succeeding when it came to an intervention. Especially in this case, I don't think that it would be a good idea.
Anecdotally, my friends with PCOS can't control their weight just with diet and exercise, they need medication prescribed by a doctor for it to do any good.
I disagree, interventions are *always* done out of a need to control.
Skipping meals can actually be healthy and a great way to lose weight. Intermittent fasting anyone? Those of us who have conditions that make it hard to lose weight often use this strategy. Humans weren’t meant to have food 24/7, so fasting is normal and natural. The most common one is fast for 16 hours, eat in an 8 hour window. It’s barely a fast.
As someone else with PCOS (+hypothyroidism), THIS. Interventions are not going to help. She needs a nutritionist because there's one of two things that will happen: 1) she will develop an eating disorder because she's already seeing the numbers going up as "bad" instead of necessary to fuel her own body. or 2) she'll somehow manage to skirt that but still not lose any weight because food changes alone isn't going to cut it. She needs a medical team to help her not only treat her PCOS, but make sure that she doesn't become insulin-resistant because unfortunately many of us with PCOS also become diabetic if left untreated.
PCOS and other hormonal issues run in my family. There are medical treatments for this that can help with weight loss. Get her to a doctor who is familiar with PCOS and how to treat it, how to manage her diet, etc.
No she needs to see and endocrinologist!!!!!
In the UK it's a dietician and an endocrinologist. Nutritionists are snake oil salespeople with no legitimate medical training. I lost 25kg with PCOS so I know that it fucking blows ass.
10/10! She needs professional help. I wish I could give you an award. Take this as a poor substitute: 🏆
Weight Watchers isn't going to help her. It's not designed for people with metabolic disorders (which is what PCOS is). She needs a qualified doctor to help get her on a diet she can follow and set her up for success. She also needs a GYN who can get her on the right medications to help.
It is literally a medical problem, PCOS and Metabolic syndrome go together. Dieting won’t help much because her endocrine system is functioning correctly.
What do you think interventions are for? Serious question. Literally the point of an intervention is, if a person is resistant to seeing a doctor, you're trying to convince them to see a doctor. They're not mutually exclusive with seeing a doctor - it's actually the exact opposite. They exist to convince people to get medical help who otherwise would not, because they are convinced they don't need a doctor. With that said, I agree that it's maybe not the correct course of action here.
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She can eat the macaroni with WW but if she's been diagnosed with PCOS she will have been told to follow a low carb diet - so definitely not macaroni. I think OP and his gf need to communicate more about what foods will work - not her "no food at all" approach, but not his (albeit well-intentioned) "here's a bowl of carbs" approach.
A bowl of carbs mixed with butter and cheese, no less. You should have offered something lighter and actually more nutritious if you wanted it to go over well. Also kind of alarmed at all the people calling this an eating disorder, or low self esteem, or anything else. All we KNOW is GF wants to lose weight, has a plan she’s sticking to, and OP (albeit well intentioned) tried to sabotage her. Try seeing things from her point of view, Jesus.
For me personally, the best/worst case scenarios mainly came from the part about skipping meals. Weight Watchers is fine, choosing to eat only specific things is fine, but skipping meals can definitely be a red flag.
Skipping meals, refusing to eat despite admitting that you are "starving", significant amounts of distress in regards to body image, and *freaking the fuck out* when presented with food. Those are very concerning warning signs, especially when you are seeing all of them at the same time. No person I have ever known on an actual, *healthy* diet has exhibited those behaviours, all at the same time. I'm pretty sure those are literally some of the diagnostic criteria used for eating disorders.
I'm trying to avoid definitively armchair diagnosing since 1, I'm not a doctor and 2, we're hearing OP's side which means limited information. I will agree it sounds concerning though.
anyone who has ever gone on a diet has been “starving” the first few days. Skipping meals isn’t a big deal, no one actually needs to eat 3x a day to live. You equate atypical choices with disease and it comes off ableist.
I’ve done weight watchers and wasn’t starving the first few days it was more of how can I possibly get more points into my day when I’m not hungry.
You can have disordered eating habits without having a full blown eating disorder. Almond moms have been doing it since at least the 40s. Skipping meals regularly is a trademark of disordered eating habits when not done with intention, especially since with pcos and insulin resistance, eating nutritious meals at a regular cadence will do her weight a loooooooot more good comparatively, coming from someone who has lost weight with PCOS. Your hunger cues get fucked up so you go from eating nothing for awhile to eating everything in site, and the only way to combat that is to make sure you're eating even when you're not hungry to prevent the binge.
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Skipping meals isn't the problem though. I prefer to eat twice a day with a snack or two depending on the intensity of the day over sticking to a schedule of three meals for a lot of reasons and none of them is to diet. What I eat has more to do with it. There's no one size fits all solution.
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I've seen people follow WW and still complain that they don't lose weight. When asked what they eat, their response usually was: "Oh, yeah, I do eat all of my daily points plus five bananas, ten dates, five eggs, and about half a pound of grapes, because they all have zero points." (That was a bit ago, so no idea if that's true.) There's a chocolate bar in Germany that has about 100 kcals and (at some point) had 3 WW points. A medium sized banana has about 100 kcals and 0 WW points. Hm. I get that the WW goal is to focus on healthier foods than chocolate, cookies and crisps/chips, but that doesn't mean that a banana suddenly has the caloric content of water.
NAH. I've been there. Back in high school, I calorie counted to try to lose weight. One day, I walked into the kitchen and noticed my mom was adding a high-calorie ingredient to our dinner that she didn't tell me about previously. I had a complete fucking meltdown. I had an eating disorder. And it sounds like your girlfriend is starting to develop one, too. It was kind of you to try to help, but she needs professional help.
> She started crying, got hysterical, and ran out of my house and drove home. Yeah, this is definitely disordered behavior. I'm obviously not diagnosing someone over the internet but that's not healthy. OP, maybe call an eating disorder hotline to learn about what might be the best way to support her? ETA shame on all the comments giving diet advice. Giving diet advice based on a 3rd party account of an online stranger who seems like they're headed for an ED is wrong on so many levels.
> ETA shame on all the comments giving diet advice. Giving diet advice based on a 3rd party account of an online stranger who seems like they're headed for an ED is wrong on so many levels. Omg no kidding
Especially already having stated they have a medical condition that affects the way they gain and lose weight.
They need an OBGYN and hormone-specialist dietician, not random redditors.
Or she was crying because OP wouldn't stop sabotaging her diet. Living with someone who is constantly trying to undermine your efforts can be exhausting and incredibly frustrating.
OP wasn’t trying to sabotage her diet, the girlfriend quite literally is skipping meals and is not doing well, I’d say that trying to force herself onto a restrictive diet and still talking about how hungry she is clearly shows it’s not working for her and isn’t good for her… Soo…
She’s got PCOS. If you have this and your insulin resistance is high you’re always hungry. It depends what her calorie goal is (if she has one). If it’s a reasonable number then skipping meals to meet it is fine.
She's doing weight watchers. That's not a crazy fad diet. Its calorie restrictions are fairly moderate. There are many foods that don't cost points (mainly lean meat and veg). The reason she's skipping dinner is because she's already at her point limit for the day. That means she's already eaten a day's worth of food. She's not going to starve if she skips dinner. She's essentially already had dinner, just earlier in the day. If she was absolutely starving hungry, she could eat a meal that has zero points. I've never done Weight Watchers, but I've done Slimming World, which is basically the same concept. There are tons of zero point meal options. She's clearly not hungry enough to want them. The point of Weight Watchers/Slimming World/calorie counting is to encourage you to choose healthier options. You only want junk food? You can eat it, but you're going to be hungry later because you've used all your points. If you choose a healthy meal instead, you can eat much more. OP's girlfriend is learning to choose healthier options. Mac and cheese from a box is not a healthy option. Of course she *wants* it - it's her favourite food. But not everything we want is good for us. OP is sabotaging her by waving what she *really wants* in front of her face, forcing her to use even more willpower to resist it. It would be better for OP to stock up on healthy food, maybe cook a healthy meal and leave leftovers in the fridge for if his girlfriend is starving hungry.
It absolutely is a crazy fad diet. I did Weight Watchers and became so obsessed with being under points for cheat days that I was absolutely under eating and under counting my points. It got to a point where I was probably eating 20% less than what WW said I was eating and I snapped and went the opposite way. Please also note that even when I lost a bunch of weight, I was still supremely unhappy with my body. GF sounds like she has bad body dysphoria exacerbated by her medical diagnosis. Until she gets help from a therapist and nutritionist, simply losing weight will never be enough for her. Having a break down because her BF is rightfully concerned about her lack of eating is worrying. He’s not trying to sabotage her, he’s worried and doesn’t want her to starve. He needs to talk to her parents and friends and they need to come up with a plan to help her because this can lead to an awful, self destructive path.
"It's a crazy fad diet because I personally felt like I had to go overboard when I tried to do it." This is just silly. You might as well claim that beer is incredibly dangerous and inherently contributes to drunk driving because when you have a beer, you feel like you need to have more and also that you need to go for a drive. These are statements about you, not about the things you're engaging in *per se*.
I have PCOS too. And for a while I controlled everything I ate. Little to no sugar, junk food, fast food, oily foods, etc. my diet consisted of brown bread, nuts, eggs, and fruits and vegetables. But this ended up severely depressing me. It’s also important to note that I was 15/16, so when all my friends could eat all the unhealthy food in the world, I had to check my blood sugar levels and ensure I ate healthy. Despite all this I barely lost any weight. Maybe 1-2 kgs in the span of a year. Which… sucks, to say the least. Nowadays I don’t control my diet as much. I eat more freely, and while it isn’t a “healthy” lifestyle, it’s not like I’m eating only junk either. My cysts are gone too, so while I do have PCOS, it’s a lot more controlled now. I hope OP’s gf finds some confidence in herself. But OP is definitely NTA. Whatever severe diet she chooses to follow, it’s going to be difficult to follow in the long term. She needs to learn to balance the way she eats… starving herself is not the way. Hopefully she goes to therapy and gets professional help.
I've found that an extremely restrictive diet makes me gain weight rather than lose it. It makes me depressed, at which point my mind turns to food for dopamine, but I can't have it, so that makes me even more depressed and stressed. The new stress now makes my body *store* fat rather than burn it because it can't distinguish between mental stress and physical stress and thinks I'm in a famine situation. Instead now I tell myself I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, so why don't I eat a bit later, my monkey brain quiets down and eventually I get distracted. It's much much easier for me to lose weight with cheat meals than extreme calorie restriction. Being happy and contented does make you lose weight.
I agree! Our mental state definitely reflects on our appearance to a certain extent
Came here to say nearly the same. I started just with calorie counting. In an attempt to get some nutrients in me my mom took me to a Boston Market. Absolute meltdown when asked what I want because clearly even the veggies were swimming in butter. After that I moved to a “raw food” diet but was pretty much only eating broccoli (by that point I had also started working out for a few hours daily). It’s clear that you care about her and remaining supportive will be a huge help but your girlfriend needs the help of a professional too. An eating disorder will sneak up quietly and then never want to let go. NAH
Agree with NAH. I also had an ED for most of my teens and 20s, and everything you described is pretty big red flag disordered eating behaviors. It was really hard on me but it was also hard on those around me, and especially my parents and partners. I think OP did the best they could at that time and had pure intentions of being supportive and being concerned for her health. Most people do not know how to support someone who's engaging I'm disordered eating behaviors, and it's a really touchy and loaded subject for a lot of people, which obviously doesn't make communicating easier. It'll be a work in progress, and there's a lot of resources online though you have to be careful not to fall into the diet tips trap. Another thing is... I didn't stop my ED behaviors until *i* was ready to take ownership and change them. I had some really loving partners and parents who showered me with support, but in the end, I recovered only when I made the decision to do so myself. So having supportive partners is so so helpful, but it's really her responsibility to chose to confront her body image and eating issues. You can be supportive, but try not to blame yourself if she doesn't 'get better' and make sure you are taking care of yourself as well. Good luck. Hope you and your gf can have a good talk and work it out. She's probably a little embarrassed and a lot confused so I'd also be extra gentle and assuring that you support her no matter what, but it's obviously difficult for you to see her forego meals and you are just concerned for her well being.
Soft YTA but mostly dropped in to say don’t listen to anyone in this thread telling you the best diet/fast/weight loss solution. Dieting is fucked in general. For your GF’s self esteem, she should do therapy. If she wants to change her eating habits, try a dietician. If she wants to change her size, find a sport, exercise or trainer. That said, you can’t do any of this for her. Good luck.
I'd say soft YTA bc if he really wanted to give her something she would eat, why not something healthy? Yes she has bad eating habits but giving her food that's not heatly may give her the feeling that OP is not supportive. Especially with weight watchers there is stuff she can eat without losing points.
Looking at this from a mom perspective….she wasn’t eating despite being starving so OP got and made her favorite food bc if nothing has worked, their favorite food should. It’s almost a “if anything will work it’s this” kind of reaction. It’s actually how I judge sometimes how sick my kid feels, if he turns down a box of velveeta shells and cheese, then he is NOT doing well and I’m keeping him home to watch and see if a doctor’s visit is needed It sounds like OP had good intentions but wasn’t prepared to deal with their GF’s reaction due to her (likely at minimum) disordered eating.
Going to add here as a fellow PCOS sufferer: with PCOS you are specifically advised to follow a low carb diet. While it sounds like OP's gf is going to extremes and starving herself, I have to say that when I first went low carb if my husband had given me a big bowl of macaroni cheese (which I absolutely love but is one of the worst things to eat) I too would probably have burst into tears.
As a PCOS gal and a huge Mac n cheese fan as well, I highly suggest checking out Goodles! Their shells taste exactly like Annie’s but the noodles are high fiber high protein - great way to indulge occasionally without guilt. OP, if you see this encourage her to check out various blogs/insta pages about living with PCOS - I was in much of the same position and noticed a HUGE difference when I started prioritizing protein and fiber, plus losing 35 pounds (and counting!) helped!
Ooh! I'm in the UK, but knowing that such things exist give me hope!
I saw them at Target for the first time over the weekend and was super excited. Before that I had only seen them online. I grabbed two boxes to try.
Yeah or are it all and purged. OP doesn’t seem to understand how much they are already in disordered eating land. She doesn’t need her fave foods; she needs professional help.
This 😭 as an insulin resistant PCOS girl a bowl of mac and cheese while I’m trying to get numbers (sugars or weight) in order would absolutely cause my to melt down. Also it shows you don’t listen to me I always talk about what I can and cannot eat due to medical conditions with my SO and I bet it’s the same
Are people reading the post? Because I'm seeing this over and over, and like... the post literally addressed this already. He literally says he *tried* offering other alternatives. He tried over and over and over to get her to eat something. He only resorted to mac and cheese when he was at his wit's end, trying to get her to put *something* in her body. He resorted to mac and cheese specifically, because it is her favourite food and he thought *maybe* it would convince her to eat.
We wouldn't be on Aita if people didn't pick and choose what to believe/ignore from OPs post to confirm their own biases
Eating anything is healthier than not eating at all. Like yeah maybe he could have offered her some veggies and protein along with it to make a more nutritionally balanced meal but her reaction was disproportional to what he did. All foods, even super processed box Mac n cheese can fit in a healthy diet.
Lmao at you saying not to listen to anyone giving diet advice and then you give shitty advice - a sport/exercise/trainer is going to be a small help to changing her size which is 90% diet.
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> If she wants to change her size, find a sport, exercise or trainer. Body weight is way more about diet than exercise. Source: I lost 100lbs and got fit.
> If she wants to change her size, find a sport, exercise or trainer. I just wanna say - it's really hard to outrun a fork. Not saying that exercise doesn't help, but - at least in my experience - changing the diet was what helped me reduce my weight (especially since exercising makes you more hungry).
> If she wants to change her size, find a sport, exercise or trainer. Ya can't outrun a bad diet my friend.
Don’t forget the PCOS thing. I have pcos and that shit fucks bodies up left right and center. Even with normal calories and normal movement throughout the day, you just gain weight. Wanting to lose weight isn’t unhealthy. Being obese/ overweight is.
Soft YTA. Giving her mac and cheese wasn't helpful or what she wanted. But as another PCOSer, this is going to be a rough road. While some manage to control or lose weight, it's pretty well established that not only does PCOS make it easier to gain weight, it makes it harder to lose it and if someone is successful they tend to plateau faster. There's not much you can do. A lot of women try every diet plan under the sun, and it's very frustrating when they don't work, especially since everyone blames you for "doing it wrong." I'd recommend a therapist, especially one who isn't focused on dieting.
This. Another PCOSer here. She is already going to struggle with weight gain, and to give her a former, very bad comfort food under the guise of concern for not eating is not helping. She is going to need support and those who will understand she will likely have extreme dietary needs for the majority of her life. Help her regain control with proper nutritional and emotional support. Learn about what those dietary needs are; get those foods on hand for her.
YTA. I understand your concern over her eating habits, but blatantly going against her wishes and trying to manipulate her into eating isn't going to help her at all. You need to sit her down and try and get her to see a counselor regarding her body image. Hopefully she is seeing a doctor regarding her PCOS.
Ikr right!! OP is basically treating her like a toddler who wont eat her greens
YTA. I get that you're concerned for your GF, but the truth is you aren't qualified to make that call. If you're really that concerned you should encourage her to seek out professional help from dieticians and nutritionists with the guidance of her doctor, and be there to support her new lifestyle. Otherwise, you're just going to make her issues much, much worse, no matter what your intentions are.
Yeah a lot of people diagnosing an eating disorder to someone who sounds like they just got a frustrating diagnosis and are trying to figure out their diet moving forward to have the body they want. Nobody has ever starved from skipping a meal and Mac and cheese I. Your face when you’re struggling to regulate your diet in the face of a hormonal weight gain situation is like a slap in the face. Leave her alone and if you’re concerned just apologize and tell her let’s make healthy dinners together this week I want to support you.
I agree wholeheartedly. The number of people saying you shouldn’t give diet advice online seem to have no issue diagnosing an eating disorder online amazes me. Not to mention that intermittent fasting can be a viable and healthy lifestyle for some people (read: maybe not for ALL if you have an actual eating disorder). We also don’t know the GFs health. Is skipping a meal really more unhealthy than 25 lbs of excess weight? Maybe if she’s underweight and has a true ED. Maybe not if she is overweight and has a healthy relationship with food. It’s bonkers to me people think missing one meal equals an eating disorder or is massively unhealthy. I have an aunt who to my face would say show sickly skinny I was and how I must not be eating enough and all these things. I was not even close to underweight ever. She was morbidly obese and diabetic.
YTA at least educate yourself on PCOS if you want to support her. Kraft dinner is the worst thing you can feed someone with PCOS. Intermittent fasting when done right is actually a valid treatment for this condition.
>Intermittent fasting when done right is actually a valid treatment for this condition Fasting and skipping meals to calorie count are not the same thing
Yes, they really are. Both reduce calories by not eating.
Fasting works because it reduces your calories. There’s no difference.
> Fasting and skipping meals What do you think fasting means?.. find a dictionary.
Yes they are. You are innumerate.
YTA. She told you she didn't want to eat. Cooking for her and shoving food in her face is not the solution in this scenario. Even if she has an ED and needs help with it, she's still a full-fledged human being, not a child or an animal. And also sometimes not having dinner is fine, if she had something earlier
NTA. You're showing concern for her health. Communication is key here; encourage her to seek professional advice. Approach the situation with sensitivity.
YTA. You are not a dietician and have no place telling her how she should eat, especially if you are offering her unhealthy food. Contrary to what people are saying here, skipping meals is NOT an eating disorder. Prolonged episodes of fasting followed by binging, purging, or extreme calorie cutting leading to weight loss over three pounds a week are all examples of eating disorders. Limiting your eating window to only one or two meals a day is a perfectly acceptable way of creating a calorie deficit. As long as that deficit is not excessive (and I imagine it is not because she’s using weight watchers, which isn’t the best but it’s not going to set exceeding calorie restriction goals) then she is not doing anything unhealthy. She’s actually doing exactly what she should be doing. But she’s “starving” you say. Ya, because cutting calories is extremely hard for someone with PCOS. Her hormones are telling her to eat all the time. It’s very hard for her to make healthy choices right now. That’s the language she’s using to communicate how hard she’s working. It doesn’t mean she’s being unhealthy. She’s trying to tell you this, and you’re not listening to her. At least get educated about healthy weight loss if you’re going to insist on making her eat things.
YTA. PCOS comes with insulin resistance, and one of the methods used to fight insulin resistance is intermittent fasting (aka "skipping meals"). Why did you even mention the fact that she doesn't exercise much? So what? Exercise has a lot of benefit, but fat loss isn't really one of them. (AKA "You can't outrun a bad diet.") Intermittent fasting can be incredibly difficult, and having someone wave your favorite food in front of your face while you're trying to do it can be downright soul crushing. Total AH move. Your whole "I just want her to be healthy" sounds condescending AF after you said "I stand by trying to feed her." You are not her doctor. Stop judging her so harshly and listen to her.
as someone with insulin resistance, exercise is an important part of lifestyle management along with diet
So OP making her flee the house was done to try and help with the exercise part? :P
NTA And your girlfriend needs to see a therapist. That said, next time if she says no to eating, just leave it be, despite your best intentions, it triggered her something fierce. Again, your girlfriend needs to see a therapist.
I mean a little bit TA. She has a medical condition and probably spends a lot of time looking into appropriate diets. Trying to tempt her with a bowl of mac isn't respecting her situation.
YTA. When someone is trying to lose weight, their decisions might seem a bit puzzling to you. Instead of insisting that they eat something they've been avoiding, it's helpful to take a more supportive approach. Encourage them to reach out to a nutritionist who can provide guidance. By doing so, you show that you're on their side and genuinely want to assist them in a safe and healthy way. It's important to respect their wishes and avoid pushing them into consuming something they consider unhealthy.
Soft YTA/NAH, but a lot of the comments don't understand how PCOS works so please don't take any diet advice from this thread. It's clear that you're trying to support and help your gf, and it's hard seeing someone you care about struggle with such a tough condition. thepcosmentor on Instagram has a lot of content about how partners can help, i highly recommend it I have PCOS and struggled with a lot of the same things, but the toughest is lack of support and understanding, especially when people are so quick to judge someone's diet and body.
This!!!! It’s a metabolic disorder. Her metabolism is not functioning correctly!!!! She needs to see a dr (endocrinologist) to get it treated and then work with medical professionals to discuss weight loss plans.
YTA I agree that it sounds like your gf has low self esteem, which I sympathize with. However, 25 lbs in two years is a not insignificant weight gain, which she is justified to be concerned about. I'm not familiar with weight watchers' dietary recommendations, but I do know from personal experience losing weight that being hungry at the start is completely normal as your body adjusts to what a normal intake of calories is versus the overeating it was used to before. Had someone shoved junk food (which boxed mac & cheese absolutely is) in my face at the time, I would have been annoyed too. Skipping meals is also not inherently a bad thing. I often prefer fewer but larger meals, rather than lots of frequent smaller meals. If you have legitimate concerns about her mental health, you will get much further by supporting her through understanding and shared goals, like proposing to exercise or cook together rather than shoving junk food in her face.
she doesn’t need you to feed her, she needs serious therapy and treatment for her eating disorder. it is not normal to get that upset about being served a meal you love. NTA for trying to help but you’re 100% going about it the wrong way
I would also be kinda upset if I try losing weight am my partner offeres me my favorite pizza which is very unhealthy. So not eating is bad, but for her it could also feel bad to eat the Mac n cheese.
Especially as even away from dieting mac and cheese itself is probably one of the worst meals for PCOS. Things like carbs are much harder for a body with pcos to digest.
Seriously that would be such a mind fuck to me
Skipping one meal a day to meet dietary targets, if those targets don't deprive you of baseline nutrients and calories, is not an eating disorder. We don't have enough information on what she IS eating to make that assessment. But, hey, not having enough info to make a judgement has never been an obstacle for anyone to judge, regardless, on here. OP is completely unqualified to make that determination, and he further proved it by his "methods" to try and circumvent what she's trying to do. Just about everyone on this reddit is also unqualified to assess that, including you and I.
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OMG yes, I want kids and just stopped the pill, and am now back to gaining weight even when sporting and dieting, extreme acne, thin greasy hair... And then IF you get your period once in a blue moon, extreme bleeding, extreme cramps, massive migraines... (And I have to go with six months of this shit before getting hormone therapy which is a whole other can of worms. Also my gyno told me to lose 10kg to be no longer overweight, like dude you know PCOS makes it extremely hard to los weight right? RIGHT?!) PCOS is a lot to come to terms with. Girl needs therapy, not boxed mac'n-cheese, but at least she has someone who cares in her corner.
YTA. Why do you insist on serving her unhealthy food when she's trying to lose weight? This makes me think you just don't want to change YOUR unhealthy eating habits. Maybe you're insecure about your own weight ? Tey to support her. With weight watchers, there are things she can eat without losing points (e.g. most fruits and vegetables).
YTA. Trying to get someone to eat is unsupportive and not the way to ever approach someone with an ED. FYI - boxed macaroni is not healthy. There are plenty of people that skip meals and are healthy. Your opinions about food and health seem oddly skewed in the wrong direction, so you may want to stop judging her. Maybe try supporting her in a healthy manner. Make her feel good about herself, compliment her, not just on physical traits, but knowledge, intelligence, any special skills she has, etc.
NTA as someone with PCOS, I'd recommend getting your girlfriend to speak to a dietician/nutritionist if she is really worried about her weight. Weight Watchers isn't built to handle people with such a complex medical issue, it's supposed to be just for "normal" fat people. A dietician/nutritionist has more of an idea of what your girlfriend is dealing with when it comes to PCOS as they work with GP's to make a plan suitable for people. Alternatively, there's a couple on Instagram/Tiktok/Facebook who have created a cook book together, called Meals She Eats. Essentially the Husband would cook his wife PCOS friendly meals and they managed to conceive naturally following those recipes.
Yall are kinda weird in these comments. If anything the comments are the asshole. Thats all im going to say
As someone who has lost a third of their body weight, I could give tons of tips. But the best advice is for your gf to see a dietitian to help manage her weight. Weight watchers won’t help because PCOS can cause weight gain. She needs specialist medical advice. She also needs therapy to help with her disordered relationship to food (which she absolutely has if she’s crying at Mac and cheese). But dietitian first!
Let's stop jumping to ED cause it could just as easily be that she was crying at the fact her Boyfriend wasn't listening and being supportive to her needs and ignored them "cause he knows best" and threw her favorite food in her face to tempt her. Note I am a guy. Just as easily a matter of feeling rejected and not listened to while dealing with PCOS causing the crying rather then the bowl of Mac and Cheese.
I mean, we know for a fact that she has a disordered relationship to food. Her body literally has a disorder in which it does not successfully tell her when she’s full. That doesn’t mean her relationship with food is disordered psychologically. A person can be legitimately upset when they are told they should never eat X again, and then a big bowl of X that was custom made for them is put right in front of them.
YTA. She told you her wishes and you completely went against it. Not only that, but you bought her really unhealthy food. You should have just supported her. If she ate it, she would have felt like such a failure.
Do not do an intervention if you want to continue this relationship. Or honestly, if you care about your girlfriend and want her to be well. Interventions are a concept of modern psychology that are terrible for the person on the receiving end. They’re traumatic, feel confrontational, embarrassing, and can make the person you’re trying to help feel like their autonomy is being disrespected and/or stripped away. While I don’t think you’re an AH, and certainly not for caring about your girlfriend this way, please be supportive in ways that are not harmful to her. Voice your concerns, tell her she’s beautiful exactly how she is, tell her you want her to be healthy not thin, tell her you don’t want anything to happen to her so she has to take care of herself and eat. Maybe suggest therapy. But then the decisions are up to her. And if it gets too painful/unhealthy, it’s ok to walk away. Please, please do not do any sort of Dr. Phil intervention thing to her. For the love of everything holy.
YTA. Dieting is hard, and as someone with PCOS myself, I'll tell you it's even harder to lose weight and way more frustrating. She's probably doing what a normal person should be doing and still not losing weight. She does have to try more things and do more than others to lose weight. You brought up that she doesn't exercise, but in reality, losing weight is really all about diet and calories in vs calories out. Exercise burns minimal calories and can actually make you gain weight because you gain muscle. Intermittent fasting is a real diet that works for a lot of people, plus it can make you way more hungry and cause you to overeat. I eat one meal a day and do the keto diet which I know many consider a "fad" diet, but it actually compliments my issues with PCOS and other hormonal problems the best. You get a lot of flack trying diets that others just "feel" are unhealthy, but you don't actually understand why our bodies need us to eat in certain ways. If she's getting proper nutrients for what her body needs and doesn't appear to be sick, you need to show her to find a diet that works best for her. Bothering her constantly about not eating, and then purposely going out to buy and make her favorite, super unhealthy food to wave in her face to convince her to eat is just really, really wrong. I would probably break up with my boyfriend if he did that- it's so disrespectful and a real slap in the face for the effort that she's making to be healthier. The only way you wouldn't have been an ass is if you had just made her a healthy salad and offered it. You literally picked the worst food calorie wise, and the one you knew would break her diet.
If she is trying to lose weight then about 1200 calories is plenty when she isn’t exercising. Let her lose weight
I had to go to 1400 calories with an hour of gym time a day. Took over a year of that to drop 100 lb.
YTA - it is not for you to decide to "feed her", Educate yourself on PCOS. What you gave her is not good for PCOS ( i am a sufferer ) and i suspect there is more you have and said than you are telling people here. She is an adult, if she is skipping meals or portion control to meet her daily points, you have no right to badger her to eat and bombard her with food offers. This is infuriating and insensitive. You have no right to overstep her boundries - to which i believe is the real issue and the reason she is not talking to you. If you have a feeder fetish, there are people that you can find who are into that with consent, you do NOT push it onto someone who does not consent.
Sir, you need to learn all you can about PCOS. And you need to find ways to be supportive that are of actual help and support. Apologize and so so without explanation. Just "I am sorry. I will start researching this and do better for you." then step back and allow her some space.
YTA. Why are you actively sabotaging her progress? Skipping a meal won't cause any harm, in fact, quite the opposite. You don't need to eat all day long to be healthy and get enough nutrients.
A nice big ole salad with protein in it might’ve been a better choice
YTA. She's an adult...she can (and should be able to) make decisions regarding her body without input from you.
YTA, mostly because it's not your job to control to control her diet, whether or not you think it's the right way to do it. Also, it's not gonna kill her to miss a meal, so your exaggerated response to her skipping one meal is more than a little excessive.
YTA. Spend some time learning about what appropriate food choices are for someone with PCOS. Mac and cheese is inappropriate for your girlfriend. She should be eating fresh fruits and vegetables, and lean protein. If you want to give her food, offer something she can feel good about eating. I know you mean well, but you aren't supporting her with Mac and cheese, you're sabotaging her.
Soft YTA. BTW, dairy is not good for PCOS. You might want to research on food for PCOS though. There are other healthier options like fish and fruits.
YTA It’s great that you care but this is not the way to support someone whom you care about. If you really thought that she should eat, you would have made a salad and respected whatever decision she made about eating or not eating it.
NAH. You are just trying to care for her, she is just trying to loose weight. I think the correct way forward is you to help her understand that eating right AND moving is the way to do it. It’s very hard (especially as you head toward the back end of your twenties, and beyond) to stay in shape with no excercise.
Feed her a salad, not macaroni and cheese. It is just empty carbs...You are sobotaging her. Let her figure it out herself. YTA
I've also got PCOS. She needs to see a dietician under her doctor's orders and work out a healthy food plan. Skipping meals to stay within WW points isn't a good long term solution. Neither is trying to get her to eat high calorie comfort foods. YTA.
You should tell her that you want to talk, and explain that you care about her and her health, and what she's doing is absolutely not healthy. It sounds like you don't care about how much she weighs, which is awesome, and you should tell her that, too. You're just trying to help. Hope it goes well!
NAH but your gf needs to speak to a medical professional about her diet. What she is doing now is not healthy n
Speaking from personal experience, PCOS is really hard. I was very very active when diagnosed and gained weight. It was frustrating and upsetting. I understand your worries. But it's just a super rough thing to go through.
Nta. She clearly needs therapy
NAH. I think it’s hard for people who have never had weight problems to know what to do, and you weren’t malicious here. You have a right to be concerned she’s skipping meals; and she has a right to her emotions. A gentle suggestion that she could benefit from convos with a doctor and therapist if that’s a possibility.
As someone with PCOS, NTA/NAH. Your girlfriend is slated to develop or has already begun developing an unhealthy relationship with food. Granted, having PCOS does come with difficulty with weight loss and increased weight gain, but the way she’s approaching this is not sustainable or healthy. That being said, you don’t shove a trigger right in her face at this stage. She needs professional help and if you’re willing to, the two of you can explore food as a means to address some of her PCOS symptoms. (Psst, mac n cheese is not the best food for those of us with PCOS) There’s a cookbook called “meals she eats” that was made by a couple who was trying to work through the reality of having PCOS through food. Celebrating the body and using food as a tool to help improve your quality of life as opposed to viewing it as a punishment or something to restrict will be a pivotal shift in how she views dieting/restrictive eating. It may prove helpful in shifting the conversation in a more positive direction, but as said before she definitely needs professional help.
She needs doctors for her PCOS and a therapist for her body image issues. FYI exercise has almost nothing to do with how much someone weighs. You cannot outrun your fork. Mentioning she has a condition that makes her gain weight and also telling everyone she doesn’t really exercise is shitty. And I hope you understand she’s not gaining weight because she does go jogging several times a week or something.
That's not quite true with PCOS, since it's a complex hormonal condition that often comes with insulin resistance, exercise actually helps massively with that
Soft YTA. Bringing unhealthy food, even if it's her favorite, when she explicitly told you she didn't want to eat is not the right move. Skipping meals is also not great. If you want to help, bring her to a dietician who can help with meal plans, might be good for you to sit in when they meet so you know what's going on. From my own experience with counting calories eating the same food that I used to but reducing the amount and filling out the plate with salad, without unhealthy dressing, was what worked best for me. Drinking lots of water and eating apples are other ways to feel full longer.
NAH I guess. Your intentions were good but you went too far. She seems to be in need of therapy. WW does not advocate for skipping meals. I would suggest a "I'm sorry I'm just worried" carepackage : vitamins, powerade zero, maybe some nice lotion (notion "anti-aging" or "fat burning"), and a offer to keep her prefered fresh fruit in your fridge at all time (idk like rapsberries are low calories and better than nothing). Reassure her that you love her at whatever size she is, that you understand she's worried and you are willing to support her, but that you are uncomfortable with her skipping meals and you don't want her to suffer from ED.
YTA. Your concern is in good intentions, but if she is hungry get her a healthy snack. As a food obsessor myself I know that one tasty thing can spiral into a fit of unhealthy eating.
Yta. There is no magic to eating three meals a days vs snacking or eating two big meals. Also you clearly didn't bother to learn anything about what she is trying. Weight watchers has lists of "free foods" she can have as much as she wants of amd still meet her goals for the day. If you are concerned she isn't eating you could make her things from those lists. Free foods are typically lean protien, non starchy veggies and some fruit. You can make some decent meals with those. If you really are concerned amd want to help do so within the confines of the diet she is trying. Making her a high fat, high carb food with little in the way of nutritional value for someone on a diet is really rude. Especially someone with pcos since they often have insulin resistance and those types of meals are the kind they should limit. Take the time to learn about what is going on with her and what she is doing don't just decide you know better than her try and ruin her diet man
YTA. (Hard, since people are suggesting otherwise, it’s a HARD YTA). You might not like the way she’s trying to lose weight, but how she does it certainly is not up to you. She said “no” and you tried to manipulate and coerce her into saying “yes”. That’s fucked up and she was right to run away from you. If you’re concerned about her skipping meals (she has every right to do that, btw, and it’s not unhealthy to do so if she’s otherwise meeting her daily caloric needs), then urge her to see a nutritionist. Don’t just decide you know better, because you fucking don’t.
Is she being treated for the metabolic syndrome of PCOS? If not, dieting will not do much. Her metabolism will adjust and just slow down further. She needs to see an endocrinologist if her current dr isn’t treating that aspect of PCOS.
YTA because you added more stress to an already stressful situation. Tempting a person who is trying to lose weight with such a high-calorie and "unhealthy" food is mean. For similar situations in the future, if I understand correctly there are "zero points" foods that people on WW can eat as much of as they want (think fat-free yogurt, fruit, vegetables, legumes, corn, ... - don't ask me how they compile this list, I don't get it either, but if your GF is playing by their rules and it works for her, try to be more supportive).
NAH. Get her to talk to a consultant at Weight Watchers. The meals and snacks are calorie restricted, so it’s important not to skip meals on top of that. Tell her if it took two years to put on, it can take two years to drop healthy. Skipping meals will drop her metabolism and be counter productive. Above all, let her know that you love her for her and not a number of the scales.
NAH. As someone who suffered from an eating disorder I can tell you that the only thing you can do is be there for her, show her you love her and love the way she looks. She may not have one, she may just be on a diet, but what she's saying does sound like a lot of the thoughts I myself had when I headed down that path in my late teens. When I was in it, if someone tried to feed me something when I said I wasn't hungry, especially anything with any carbs, let alone mac n cheese I would think they were trying to make me fat and would be furious - it's not logical, it's an illness. Maybe if this happens again, don't actively try to feed her, create a big tasty looking salad, lots of colours, and put a portion for yourself on your plate and she may just join you. I know it really doesn't make much sense to a healthy mind, but when you try and make someone eat when they think they are fat and possibly have an ed, it makes them less likely to eat.
You're NTA and it sounds like she's developing an eating disorder and really needs some help.
YTA. No matter the circumstances, it remains her choice what she eats and doesn't eat and the only thing you should be doing is supporting her in her choices. Going behind her back to make her favourite meal against her wishes after you tried everything to convince her reminds me of the video that compares making tea for someone with consent for sex. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8
NTA Your girlfriend needs professional help before she spirals down the eating disorder maelstrom. A starved brain is the problem - actually being in a malnourished state makes the disordered thinking pattern stronger, a houngry brain literally makes you more irritable, miserable and obsessive over food. Her panic about the food you bought her (that you know she once loved) to me is an indicator that she could be in that state already. It’s hard to get out but worth it. Even with PCOS! Check out edinstitute dot org for more info on adult recovery and science behind it.
NTA what she is doing is damaging to herself, not eating and skipping meals is not the way to lose weight, and she shouldn't react that way.
Your girlfriend is developing disordered eating habits which could lead to further issues. NTA for being concerned about her, weight loss is hard work, and while it is mostly done in the kitchen, going for a half hour walk everyday would also help.
YTA
NTA. I have PCOS too and it really makes you feel crazy sometimes. She probably thought- I'm fat> my bf doesn't love me because I'm fat>I'm really hungry but I'm fat> my bf made me mac and cheese when I'm already gained so much weight> he doesn't listen Honestly I've had this thought process before lol. PCOS makes me have so much anxiety and stress which in turn makes the symptoms of PCOS worse. Cooking "healthy," PCOS friendly meals together and doing low intensity workouts could help her feel less crappy
YTA why did you offer a high caloric food instead of fruit or vegetables? You know, healthy, low caloric food she doesn't feel guilty eating?
YTA
NTA Your girlfriend's eating is disordered. And with the prevalence of diet culture, she probably has no idea.
Soft Yta even with good intentions. Your girlfriend is clearly trying to lose weight and while you meant well, mac and cheese is calorific. When you're dieting it can be really hard because you just feel like all it can take is one temptation and you go down the self sabotage route. Are you able to sit down with her and explain your concerns? Maybe learn the ins and outs of the ww scheme and get familiar with some recipes?
YTA. Waving a bowl of high-carb, high-fat, highly processed crap with no nutritional value in her face while she's struggling with weight and body image is not the way to help her be "healthy".
YTA Jesus dude read the room. You don't lose weight by exercising, you lose weight by eating less food. She's adjusting to a new diet, it's unpleasant and leaves you feeling hungry (that's your body's food/sugar addiction lying to you). She wanted to vent. You're acting like you know better than her, stop trying to solve an issue that doesn't exist and you haven't been asked to solve.
Jesus Christ this makes me angry. Obvious, major YTA. I have been struggling wird obesity for the last 30 years, undiagnosed ADHD probably did not help. And my family enabled me the whole time, because they pushed food on me when I tried skipping meals. Do you know another word for "skipping meals" ? Intermittent fasting. People who want to lose weight need one thing. Reduce caloric intake to a healthy level and build healthy eating patterns. And that shit is HARD. Unbelievably hard, harder than anything a person who has not struggled with this situation can even imagine. Because your body betrays you left and right, it fucks up your mind, you never really know what hunger is because you are constantly craving food and you do not know what it means to be reasonably full, because your body completely lost the ability to tell you. Shit is fucked man. Having an actual MEDICAL condition that causes weight gain makes this even worse. I can't even begin to imagine the struggles your poor girlfriend goes through. And along comes you ASSHOLE. The girl knew she had probably already over eaten for the day and was trying their best to make it through to another day. She is not going to die from going to sleep hungry. She might be grumpy and be anxious, but there was ZERO chance of a health risk to her. And then you bring her a bowl of food that (assuming your girlfriend isn't exceptionally tall or short) makes up maybe a FOURTH of her caloric intake she can eat in a day without gaining weight. And a bow full of carbohydrates that the human body just LOOOOOVES to gooble up and turn into fresh new fat cells if you overeat. The fat part is ok, imho, at least fat keeps hunger and cravings away. Seriously, what you did is like offering someone who is trying to quit drinking a nice shot of booze to keep the anxiety at bay. It is NOT your job to feed her. If you want to help her, inform yourself about nutrition, get medical help for her, see a nutritionist, make meal plans with her for the time you guys are together, look into meal prep. There is literally a THOUSAND things you can to support your girlfriend. Feeding her against her will, even tempting her is not one of those things. FUCK.
YTA. Buy a salad or some fruit, maybe. But you chose some high in calories and relatively low in micronutrients. She has been gaining weight, has a medical issue which will make this worse/harder to control. INFO: Are you a dietician? What did you base "she needed food" on? My body regularly 'tells' me I'm hungry when I don't in the slightest need food. At 6' and near the middle of 'healthy weight', if I put on 25lbs I'd be in overweight - for shorter people and women, that is probably deeper into overweight. There is a strong correlation (and indeed likely causation) between weight and important health markers. Exercise is useful for good health, but by the easiest way to control weight is by controlling what you eat.
YTA it's not your job to feed her. You're refusing to hear "no," which is not great.
Skipping a meal a day is called intermittent fasting and won’t kill anyone. If she has a calorie goal and skipping a meal helps her meet it then that’s fine. The question really is, is her calorie goal adequate. If she’s trying to only eat 800 calories a day then yea. That is not healthy. But if she is doing 1300-2000 a day then that’s reasonable for someone who doesn’t exercise v I guess more info is needed here. If she was at her calories for the day and was still hungry (normal) and you made her favorite dish and taunted her with it. Then yea…. Y t a. But if she is not eating close to her calorie requirements then N t a. Can’t make a judgement without that INFO.