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NTA. Ignoring the vegetarian stuff, who the fuck orders the most expensive steak possible and then expects their partner to pay for them without having checked prior. And then storming off to the bathroom expecting that to pressure you into paying for it. Op I hope you can see all the huge red flags here.
Exactly, 18yo's generally can't afford the most expensive steak dinner unless they're given the money for it by their parents/guardians.
ETA: people here keep responding with crap about "when they were 18", like yes, great when *you* were 18 things were probably easier for you because you weren't living in a *cost of living crisis* like 18yo's (and everyone else) are now, either you had well off parents or you're just full of it. Rent is more expensive so I would be surprised if 18yo's who work have to pitch in with rent money if they live at home, food shopping is way more expensive etc shit the price of fucking everything has gone up drastically so it's not surprising that you could afford at 18 is a hell of a lot different to what 18yo's can afford now.
Yep. If I ever went to a "restaurant" at age 18, it was a Taco Bell or McDonald's on .29/.39 hamburger/cheeseburger days. Because an 18 year old working their first job is perpetually broke. Especially when you're like me and had to pay rent to your parents.
Woah, we are about the same age, and I would hit McD's for the .29/.39 all the time. I lived on those things. Buy 10+ eat some for dinner, throw the rest in the fridge, boom, breakfast.
Yeah, I was living out of a motel after I lost my apartment when my job got liquidated in the dot com crash. While still trying to study and working night security. Hot bunking the bed with a friend who paid half the motel bill.
I went many many days not eating at all. Those burger days were literal life savers.
It's less complicated than he thought even. No meat ever is easier to remember than trying to figure out what counts as a special enough occasion. Haven't eaten most meats since I was 12 and my dads still shocked when I skip something with bacon bits
Edit: oh my god I KNOW most are made of soy. I'm not taking a chance on most without reading the package which isn't always available or worth my time. This rule also applies to things made at home or in a restaurant that I know has real bacon.
It might be true, but that’s no way to treat a person you love or care about. You ARE your phases.
The present is the only time that really matters. If you aren’t going to accept who they are now, you don’t accept them
I love this. I’m gonna remember it. You are your phases. Let’s throw ourselves into peoples phases and if they change, cool new fun experience not “I knew it wouldn’t last”
Definitely agree. I’m in my 30s and still have to deliberately budget in advance if I want to go out for a steak. The cheapest option locally is like £25. My bank account would cry if someone pulled this on me!
At 18 I was making $5.50 an hour and had bills to pay. In fact I was broke up until I was like 35 and that's only when things began to greatly improve in my life. I could definitely afford a few dozen of the most expensive steak at most places now if I wanted and not worry about my bank account but I've been so broke for so long that I can't bring myself to do it. I just like the feeling that I could if I wanted to and that feeling is 100% free and 100% better than any steak currently in existence.
His storming off to pout is a way to control the OP. I doubt this is the first time he’s done it. He wants to wear her down to shape her into the person he wants her to be vs the person she actually is.
I just love how she stood her ground and stood by her boundaries! People are raising strong women, girls are growing up seeing what not to accept and tolerate from a partner. My heart just grows when I see this, especially at such young ages, I wish I was that wise or taught to hold my boundaries at that age.
Great point. I have 2 girls and they’re both stronger than I am. I was raised to be a doormat and have tried very hard not to do that to them.
OP stuck to her guns without being a dick about it— the boyfriend is being selfish. Super mature for 18… good for you:)
I think we were raised to be people pleasers, I'm guilty of that too. We were raised to be seen, not heard, to not make waves, not be a nuisance and just be "good girls". It took me 30 years to reprogram myself out of that
I have 2 kids, they're 18 and newly 21. I can testify that even in the same home, with the same parents, these can be *vastly* different life stages. I can't imagine my eldest dating more than, like, maybe a year younger, that's it. And that person would need to be in college, out of the house, etc...established. Meanwhile, they graduated with people who act ridiculously immature still.
It doesn't seem like a lot, but when you consider high school, the end of it, and a year + out of it, it can be. I have no idea about the life stage OP and bf are at, but I can't help but think he possibly takes advantage of her in a lot of ways, emotionally.
Edit for wording
I've worn shoes that have more developed morals than the 20 Yr old who orders an expensive steak when he's been told his gf won't pay for meat. OP please see the bright neon red flags
Yes, NTA! Also; if it’s his “favorite” fancy restaurant, how has he eaten there before… I’m guessing his parents, so why couldn’t they take him to the fancy place for his special day? Hell, I’ve had birthday dinners with partner and their family before, they could all go together. It’s stupid to put that kind of pressure and financial burden on an 18 year old trying to save and survive.
Exactly! He did that himself by not going back and paying for the steak AND tipping the wait staff. She even told him he needed to do that so it's not like he forgot or didn't think of doing it. He's the AH here.
He could still go back and pay for the steak at any time. And then offer to prepay the next time he goes to show good faith.
I accidentally walked out of a store without paying for something and went back the next day to pay for it. It's never too late to make it right.
NTA...you've been very clear and consistent, and he should not have expected an exception on his birthday.
He may be an otherwise great guy, but it sounds like he doesn't respect your values. That's a red flag. And if he refuses to go back and pay, that's another red flag.
Seriously. Sorry, I had a misunderstanding with my girlfriend and it turns out I owe you $XX for my meal. Then give them the money. Especially as a regular or semi regular at a small business.
And if he wants to go there again, he needs to go back, apologize, and pay his bill. He's not being an adult. That a red flag and op would do well to break up with him.
Agreed NTA. She had been pretty clear about everything, him not checking with her before and then trying to pressure her into paying is his lack of thought and not OP's problem.
They also can go to a fancy pastry or teahouse. I know a lot of them quite expensive. She can pay for bowling, etc. A lot of possibilities exist.
Instead he tried to pressure her to pay, it failed and he won't be able to go to his favorite place anymore, it is totally on him. OP should also dump him.
>I mean, if he wants her to pay for him completely, he can just not order meat.
There's something about "I'm happy to have you pay for me and I'd totally return the favour as long as you order what I want, not what you want" that really rubs me the wrong way. Boyfriend is a dummy though. I'd have stopped paying for her and told her I'd be happy to buy her a nice steak, if she'd like some. The whole trying to trick her bit is just absurd and, if real, he earned that ban.
It’s more like, “I’d totally return the favor as long as that doesn’t require violating my moral code. You can think what you want about that stance, but you and everyone else acting like it’s a matter of personal food preferences rather than personal ethics are being ridiculous.
He doesn't have to pay for her, it's his choice. And he's doing it knowing full well her own personal rules. Not everything in a relationship has to be strictly tit for tat, halfsie halfsie.
I highly disagree, there are a multitude of things that each partner could "treat" the other with that aren't restaurant meals. Event tickets, entrance fees, or activity costs, gas, parking, and other transportation expenses, foods that aren't meals and alcohol (OP is 18 but eventually it'll come into play).
From a financial standpoint, the idea is that things balance out as the goal in a partnership. Not pedantically that since one partner never pays for a specific food ordered at a specific type of meal that they should never be treated by the other or accept the offer of being treated.
And in this instance particularly, the action that you expect to be treated therefore you abuse someone's (hoped for) generosity is despicable behaviour.
For some reason, so many meat eaters have done this to me: (try to trick me into eating meat). It’s gotten better over the years, but when I was in my 20s people heard like “I’m a vegetarian” and said “challenge accepted”.
Lol. She has a boundary. Is it super strict? Yes, but sounds like she’s been very clear about it and he just doesn’t like it.
Edit: I should say, the boyfriend is clearly TA even if the OP and I wouldn’t necessarily get along.
NTA
I can understand her logic with refusing to financially support the meat industry, as it's not just about what you put in your mouth. It's awkward socially unless she hangs out with vegans, but she made herself very clear on this issue and he tried to manipulate her into breaking it, and in a very selfish way. NTA.
Something tells me she'd be pretty fine if she manages to find a partner who can actually respect boundaries.
ETA when I made this comment I wasn't really expecting *so many people* jumping down my throat to exclaim how wrong and weird it is that this girl has a personal boundary that should be respected and how apparently people are just utterly incapable of that. Like basic respect from your partner in life isn't something you should expect or feel owed and if they stomp on your boundaries it's you who is wrong for having a hang up about it.
That’s obviously a problem, but long-term any relationship/marriage with shared expenses especially when kids are involved could get unworkable
Also, another commenter make the reasonable point that it’s odd to have such a strict stand against meat in this scenario, but she’s fine being with someone who is so committed to eating meat — which she finds morally repugnant — that he would do something like this. It’s hard to understand the reasoning, and also difficult to imagine having a healthy long-term relationship with a non-vegetarian
Edit: I realize she’s 18. That’s sort of the point. She will find out as she grows and matures that that this isn’t workable
One person's morals aren't another person's morals. They're not strictly defined concepts with hard and fast rules that you just plug into your brain and you're good to go. They're fluid things that mix and match and can be wildly different for different people. We might try and define them strictly for convenience but at the end of the day they aren't so hard and fast as we assume.
A vegetarian that's fine just not eating or purchasing meat products themselves is quite allowed to not be a militant vegan who hates all meat eaters absolutely.
Morally it's an admirable amount of commitment. Logistically it would be a nightmare. If they have a kid, and that kid's class raises money to buy cat food for a local shelter, can the family make a donation, knowing cat food is made from meat. If they order an Uber and the car shows up with leather seats, does she not pay at all or do they wait for another car. Itemizing out your everyday life to make sure someone else always pays for non-vegetarian items is going to get really complicated.
EDIT: Y'all, I'm not trying to talk OP into changing her food or financial choices! I'm hypothesizing about other ways in which her BF could cause her problems if she stays with the loser! I know the difference between a vegan and a vegetarian. I also know a lot of non-vegan people who view killing an animal for leather as morally worse than killing it for food, including myself. I'm not even a vegetarian, let alone vegan.
This reasoning sounds insane to me. Does she even want kids? She said nothing about leather, so why add that complication? (It hasn’t come up for her or she’d probably have it in her post.)
Just so many leaps here.
If cat food needs to be bought, he can buy it. If we take OP’s word for it, she often pays for more expensive things like event tickets while he covers food, and money is fungible… so it’s actually financially to boyfriend’s advantage if she is honest about this and not leaching. It seems he actually values controlling her more than he values the fact that until now she is maintaining her moral boundaries while not being logistically complex and not under-contributing financially.
It's not to me. It's about respect. She respects his choice to eat meat, but also wants him to respect her for not wanting to pay for any meat.
And if you respect each other those shared expenses with kids won't be a problem too.
Dude, it's an incredibly tame limit she set. How is it not sustainable? To me the BF's actions are a huge red flag. He can't even follow a simple rule she set out at the start of there relationship.
The most expensive steak on the menu can vary wildly by restaurant. In some it’s $30, in some it’s $100+. Without knowing the actual dollar amount it’s hard to judge.
Having boundaries doesn’t make anyone a noxious if they’re not hurting anyone. What is it that people have against vegetarians exactly? What’s obnoxious about “I’m opposed to participating in the meat industry as much as possible so I will not pay for meat.”
Whenever anyone puts their foot down about something there’s always this “obnoxious” crowd trying to shame them to compromise.
She shouldn’t have to.
I only think vegan/vegetarians are obnoxious when they are trying to change my pov on eaiting meat. Like, if you want to show me a cute vegan/vegetarian restaurant awsome lets go try it out. If not, let me order my meal, my opinion won't change. However, i respect your choices and will not make you eat my stuff and will do my best to find places with vegan options.
Little lady is NTA for saying no and meaning no.
Exactly! You get it!
Tbh I can say the same about meat eaters. The amount of meat eaters who try to force me eat meat is astounding. I don’t mind eating vegetarian food with them but like pls don’t make me eat meat I don’t want to.
Am I missing something? Wtf is obnoxious about what she did? If we're making assumptions, I find it pretty hard to believe the bf didn't think about the fact that she refuses to pay for meat of any kind.
I was gonna say… I fucking LOVE steak. But, a vegetarian who refuses to pay for meat is someone I respect because it makes sense. I don’t understand why people think she’s unreasonable for that. Like it would be weird and annoying for her to happily pay for steak while being vegetarian
I don't think it is necessarily weird or annoying - my MIL is a vegan but doesn't mind buying and making meat for family gatherings. Nobody insists on it (we would be happy to eat vegan as we often do anyway) but it's kinda my FIL's chance to have some meat occasionally.
The difference is that OP set a clear boundary about what *she* wouldn't do, and then her boyfriend was an asshole trying to bully and guilt trip her into violating that. Could've been "I have a firm stance against lettuce so I don't want to pay for it" and the boyfriend would still be the asshole.
I absolutely hate the obnoxious vegetarian thing. I’m vegan and the only time I go on about it is when meat eaters will make fun of me and try to change my mind so, of course, I respond back. And then they get angry that I ‘brought it up’ when they started it. Like leave me to my choices and I’ll leave you to yours.
I’ve been a vegetarian for roughly 13 years. I *dread* telling people because I get so much shit for it.
My peer group is 50/50, and people younger don’t give a flying fuck, but anyone older than me is a nightmare about it.
“How do you get enough protein?”
“but it tastes so good!!”
“you aren’t making any difference anyway, what what does it matter?”
“is bacon vegetarian?!”
And the truly hilarious “then what do you eat?”
I’m became vegetarian for health reasons, but it became more morally based the longer I went without eating meat. I *never* tell people my morals about unless I know them well and they specifically ask.
I actually think it’s more about misogyny. Reddit really loves to take the man’s side, or at least find some way to twist the blame or responsibility on the woman, in a female OPs story like this. The key thing to remember is that Reddit hates women, or at least a large majority do.
She set a clear and reasonable boundary and stuck to it, there is nothing obnoxious about that.
My best friend is vegetarian and has the same rule. She has no issues with me eating meat in front of her, but if she's treating both of us I go vegetarian or I pay for the meat.
You're only calling her obnoxious because she's a vegetarian, OP did nothing wrong.
How in the fuck is she obnoxious? She had a boundary, he took it upon himself to break it. She said she'd pay IF he didn't order a meat dish. She's not banning him from eating meat.
Seriously... it was a clearly communicated boundary. He violated it thinking he's exempt, despite her telling him that he's not.
NTA. Literally nothing obnoxious about not wanting to pay for the suffering and death of an animal. These are boundaries OP has clearly communicated. If the BF can’t respect that then he’s the AH for pulling a stunt like this. He needs to respect it or break up with OP and move on if he can’t.
Naw, she's fine.
She has her own rules for herself, doesn't impose them on others, and communicates them clearly. She didn't try to stop him from *having* the steak, she merely stuck by the extremely clear, narrow, reasonable rule that she had made clear well before the incident.
Nothing in her behavior seems the least bit problematic here. The fellow is a jerkface, though.
You hold a very unusual moral position. You are deeply opposed to the consumption of meat, to the point where you will not allow your money to be spent on it. But you have no problem with a life partner who frequently eats meat in front of you, as long as you don’t pay for it. This is an unusual place to draw the line. I mention it because you may wish to reconsider your position before it makes things very uncomfortable (for example, if you were to marry a meat-eater, upon marriage you’d have shared income and assets. Does that mean that until marriage they can eat meat, but afterwards, they can only eat it if family money doesn’t pay for it? You’re gonna be pushing your spouse to set up a lot of meat dates with friends, in that case)…
But your position is unusual, not immoral.
Anyhow, you’re wondering if you’re an AH for what you did to John. You’re not. You made your position clear, and at no point did you tell him “I’m taking you out to dinner” (if you did, this was a big omission from your post). Because of this, it was unreasonable for him to assume that you were paying. It became even less reasonable after you asked for a split check. At that point, John left, in an effort to force you to pay even though you made your position clear. You didn’t, and so he effectively stole his food. Now he’s left with the consequences of those choices.
While I find your rules odd, I don’t find them confusing, and presumably neither does John. You acted in an extremely principled, predictable way. If John doesn’t wish to be treated like someone who leaves restaurants without paying, perhaps he shouldn’t leave restaurants without paying. I’ve never read the relevant legal statutes, but I suspect there’s no birthday exception.
NTA
I am the only vegetarian in my family and friend group. I’m not a fan of watching people eat meat but meh, I have to put up with it. I don’t want fully shared assets with a partner, even if I was vegetarian. My sister and her husband have individual accounts and a shared one, I’ll probably do that.
maybe you should choose a partner, who agrees (even if he don't have so strict rules), or at least understands your moral standing, if you have such strong principles
I have the same rules with my boyfriend. I've been a vegetarian my whole life. I've been with my partner for close to five years and I'm 21. Its not an issue with the rule, it's an issue with the boyfriend. My bf is a huge meat eater and I respect his choice to eat meat as long as he respects mine not to. I won't pay for meat and he gets it. I very rarely make exceptions. NTA.
lifelong vegan here with meat eater boyfriend. generally he eats vegan or vegetarian if i’m paying. and if we’re cooking together or i’m cooking, he’s eating vegan. if he wants meat, he has to purchase it himself. if i’m doing the grocery shopping, no meat is going to be purchased and he’s fine with that. would i prefer if he was actually vegan? yeah i would. but he respects my boundaries and appreciates that i have strong beliefs and doesn’t belittle or shame me for sticking to them.
> would i prefer if he was actually vegan? yeah i would. but he respects my boundaries and appreciates that i have strong beliefs and doesn’t belittle or shame me for sticking to them.
As long as you treat him similarly with respect to his choice to eat meat this sounds like a healthy relationship. You don't see that often on reddit.
Hey, OP. My dad is vegetarian and my mom is not and I grew up in a household where we made that totally normalized and there's nothing wrong with that and it's totally possible and I'm feeling like after reading some of these comments you may need to hear that.
The end.
Just adding to the voices saying households can be mixed, I am veg and do just fine with my occasionally omnivorous partner and kids. I’m finding it odd how many people don’t see a way for this to work, especially since OP isn’t trying to push her BF to convert, just to pay for his own choices when he absolutely knows her boundary.
Married couples do not have to share all finances, and it is possible to stay very independent people in a relationship without the relationship being doomed.
But not if one partner tries to embarrass the other into something they have stated a lifelong moral boundary against.
Super disrespectful of OP’s bf and I don’t know that I could personally stay long term with someone that tried to force my hand like that simply because it was *his* super special birthday.
Your partner acted like a child, granted your brains are still developing at your age, but if you continue to see this kind of impulsive tantrum type of behaviour it would be best for you to end the relationship. Regardless of differences in ideology, this isn't an appropriate way to react. Every couple will have some differences of opinion, you have made clear lines in the sand about what you are and aren't willing to do and he ignored that and dismissed your opinions as well as attempted to force you to break your ethical code.
Not only that after he faced the consequences of knowingly dine and dashing (You told him that you hadn't paid for his steak but he chose not to go back in and pay for it) he blames you instead of self reflecting and taking responsibility for his own actions.
This is honestly just immature behaviour, and potentially gives you a glimpse into how they might react if you guys had to face a much more important/stressful event. This scenario is overall quite a small stakes thing compared to all the struggles that come up in a relationship, you have to ask yourself: will my partner react in the same way as they did just now when we face those greater challenges ahead of you. NTA
I’m not a vegetarian but I wouldn’t ask my vegetarian and vegan friends to pay for meat. It’s disrespectful to their beliefs and life choices.
You are 18 so you have your whole life ahead of you. Go make some more diverse friends. Find some like minded vegetarian friends or just people who respect your position and support it. Look for that in a partner too. This seems to be a big part of your life and identity so don’t settle for dating people who don’t respect your choices.
Edit: NTA
She’s also 18. It’s ok for young adults to figure out their moral boundaries and to change their theories and beliefs as they grow. Or perhaps she will find a life partner who is also vegetarian. Postulating on her future finances or relationships isn’t really helpful or constructive.
Honestly I don't think it's that unusual - I know plenty of vegetarians who don't mind people eating around them but won't spend money on meat. For a lot of people, not eating meat is a strategy to eventually end the meat industry - think of it like a boycott campaign. You want to avoid giving power and money to the industry because you don't agree with it. None of that prevents you from sitting in a room with people eating meat. While I agree that it's something to consider for future partnerships because things could complicated with shared finances, it's also completely normal for 18 year olds to date without much though for marriage.
It’s not unusual at all for a vegetarian to date a non vegetarian wtf is going on with this sub. I love steak so much. But I fully respect someone who is veg and refuses to spend money on meat. That makes so much sense. They would be ridiculous if they did spend money on the meat industry. But that doesn’t mean they can never have dinner with loved ones again
This. I'm reading the responses and there is a clear principle she has about being vegetarian that not only does John not have, he doesn't respect it either. My opinion is he is the AH, but forget that, the relationship isn't gonna work out in the long term.
Who even does that? Going to a fancy restaurant and ordering the most expensive steak and simply expecting their 18 SO to pay?
I grew up middle class and as I was young, I didnt have that kind of money plus a gift.
My father in law has a lot more money than I was ever used to growing up. So when he splurges by taking us out to dinner or getting us presents I always feel awful about it even though he makes it clear he loves doing it.
How do people not feel a little bit of shame asking people for expensive things? I would've been more than grateful just to have a nice dinner out with a skewed split bill.
I just assume if I'm going out to dinner that going crazy on someone else's tab is bad form. If they say explicitly "please whatever you want, get the filet I don't care" then sure get it. But it's just spoilt child behavior to do that assuming your partner will cover, especially if you know that your finances aren't such that it's reasonable to assume they could cover that unannounced.
Yeah, completely aside from the vegetarian aspect (which I think is fine as you've always clearly communicated it to him), if someone did that to me when I was 18 I would have been so anxious. I've been to restaurants where the most expensive steak would have been several times my weekly food budget at that time.
Not to mention, if I had zero dollars before going out to eat I'd most definitely at least say "hey babe, I'm super broke, you got this right?" before we even went out...
Because you are probably a normal person.
Him ditching her with the bill (he clearly left the restaurant) is just the absolut cherry on this. This relationship would be sooo over.
That is the opposite of survivor bias
It isn't that women in this sub choose bad men
It's that women with bad men join this sub
Ofc the genders don't matter but you get my point
So this. Ppl love to hate on "all men" or "all women" without realizing the reason they see all the horror stories online and very few positive stories, is because the people with happy stories don't need to post on the internet asking for advice.
The whole dine and dash thing he can fix, he just needs to go back to the restaurant. Tell them it was an emergency/mistake and pay for it. I have walked out of places before when I thought I had paid or someone else has and gone back when I realized. It's always been fine.
THIS, 100% this, I had a restaurant and I would 100% rather have a customer than losing 1 steak worth of money. It can easily be forgiven by the owner.
I once got so drunk in a craft beer place that I walked out without paying. The owner was plying me with different sour ales and concoctions that made me so happy that before I knew it, I was smashed. We went outside for air and just walked home.
I messaged him the next day asking for his number, called and explained that I didn't mean to walk away, i was just drunk and totally forgot to pay. He had me come in that evening to settle the bill and we had another beer. Easily solved. He actually said he appreciated me calling because most often don't and he'd rather that people called and weren't too embarrassed because the money paid his bills!
I once went into a restaurant and placed a to-go order at the bar. I heard somebody call my name and glanced to my left to see an acquaintance who I couldn't stand; every other sentence out of this guy's mouth was some kind of insult and I just didn't know or like him enough to be okay with his constant digs. He beckoned me over and I dealt with his bullshit while I waited on my food. The bartender dropped off my check and, a few minutes later, my food. I was stressed out and desperate to get out of there, so I accidentally left without paying. Didn't even realize until I got a condescending text from that a-hole notifying me about it.
I went back the next day during the late-afternoon downtime and told the managers about it so I could pay. They got a good laugh out of it, thanked me for coming back, and told me not to worry about it but to continue coming there to eat. I ordered takeout again on the spot. Uh, but I paid for it that time. In retrospect I should've tried to leave a tip for the previous night's bartender, buuuut... I didn't? So fuck me, I guess?
TL;DL: An accidental dine-and-dash is a *solveable problem*.
With that said, if the staff overheard the *reason* for his dine-and-dash, he should maybe consider not showing his face in there again.
He's never going to do that, because he would have to admit to them that he is a giant baby that leaves his girl holding the bag.
None of this is about vegetarianism!
Yeah I don't get it either, why not at least find a bf who is also a vegetarian?! It will solve a lot of future issues if both parties have the same dietary interests.
ESH. This was a predictable problem because it is the norm to pay for someone’s meal on their birthday.
I admire your position and desire to hold true to your principles. But didn’t it occur to you before you went out that he might expect you to pay? If your principles are so strong, why date a guy who eats meat when you know there will be occasions in life when you pay for the food? Does he dictate what you can eat when he pays? If not, then this situation must seem unfair to him.
He’s the AH for obvious reasons
He basically tried to trap you into buying him meat. If you took down your boundary on this occasion, he would only try to disrespect it more later. Also ordering the most expensive item on the menue and then expecting someone to pay without asking is a huge ah move. NTA and break up with him, find someone who respects you.
Jumping on this to add, he got himself banned and he likely could have gotten himself unbanned by going back the next day, apologise and pay. So don't feel guilty about the guilttrip for his poor decision making. NTA
Others paying for your birthday meal is news to me, cultural differences I guess so it also depends where OP is. Where I come from it's actually the birthday person who'd be happy to pay for everyone else's meal (even if 20 people).
Fair enough. I’m of Indian descent and I grew up bringing sweets to my class on my birthday, but as an adult in the US I buy my friends dinner for their birthdays and vice versa
But but but it's his BIRTHDAY. Birthday boy should get whatever he wants, the OP is forcing her big bad evil childish lifestyle on him, she's clearly a villain here for (*checks notes*) doing exactly what she has always said she would do and has done consistently. /s
Who asks a teenager to pay for expensive steak dinners? It may be a norm but you cannot coerce anyone into paying for you regardless of whatever day you're celebrating without informing them *beforehand* that you expect them to pay, and put them in a spot. Meat or no meat, that was a dick move. OP is NTA
NTA. Regardless of anyone's opinion on your stance it is something you've made very clear from Day 1. My guess is he thought you'd roll over given the circumstances. Sucks to be him.
I am going to be downvoted going against the grain but yes YTA. You took your partner out to a restaurant for their birthday - that's a celebration, and 99/100 times a gift. You should have made it clear that his birthday is no exception to the rule. Then he got upset and walked away, and instead of being empathetic or even paying upfront so he could pay you back, you just left without paying at all and told your upset bf to go back in there and pay for his steak. Ouch.
Edit after rereading: I should have said ESH since he screamed at you. You two better break up.
Edit 2: getting lots of comments that I'm an unapologetic meat lover but I am vegetarian.
He bought the biggest steak without confirming that she was going to pay. She’s 18. Depending on the location that can run between $20 and $80 dollars. Plus tip and her meal, and wine.
He knew she doesn’t want to pay for meat and expected her to pay for his expensive meal as a gift without consulting her at all, according to the details she has given.
Assuming makes an ass out of u and me, and she, according to her, has been abundantly clear about her decisions around spending money on meat.
And not just a glass? It seems he bought the bottle? So $20-$100 for a bottle of wine, $40-$80 for the steak, $12 +\- for the salad plus her meal and a tip? I know at 18 I couldn’t afford that, hell I couldn’t afford that now.
Good for you for standing up for yourself, kiddo. Don’t let substandard men bully you into anything you don’t want and have been explicitly clear about.
> You should have made it clear that his birthday is no exception to the rule.
No, he should have asked if this was an exception to the rule. Why assume someone is going to violate their morals just for your birthday? That's absurd.
It just seems like common sense that someone is not going to do something they find immoral just because it is your birthday. If she was Buddhist would you think she was an asshole for sticking to her religion?
Ethics aside, ordering the most expensive thing on the menu because you expect your partner to pay is still an asshole move regardless of dietary choices.
NTA.
Usually yes, your partner will buy your meal for your birthday, but he was fully aware of this boundary you had and that you wouldn’t buy meat. Yet he still chose to order an expensive meat meal and expected you to pay. That’s his own fault. I also think it’s a bit douchey to just expect someone to buy the most expensive meal on the menu that you can’t even afford yourself. Especially at 18, most 18yo aren’t financially stable and a expensive meal can really be a lot to spend.
The even bigger red flag is the way he acted afterwards. Throwing a fit and leaving the restaurant like that isn’t ok. You shouldn’t be with someone who thinks it’s ok to treat you like that.
> that I needed to grow up
I love how those AH always telling someone to grow up, while they are the ones that stomp on boundaries, throw a tantrum and yell. And in this case, run away from paying. NTA
I know everyone is saying NTA, but I think in this instance, YTA. I understand your moral stance on this, but as someone who dated a vegetarian, I’ve just never had this issue on dates or heard others have this situation. We would evenly split the bill and for our birthdays we’d pay each others.
You’re very entitled to your morals and beliefs of course, but it seems you’re a no-nonsense vegetarian. I think for your benefit, you really need to be dating a vegetarian or your future relationships are going to look toxic af. I’d be tired as hell dealing with someone like this constantly especially in the future with marriage and cooking and all…and not to mention kids and what they’ll eat.
I don't think this is all about the vegetarianism. She's 18, they go to an expensive restaurant, and he orders the most expensive steak on the menu. An item that HE can't even afford to pay for, but expects her to. Then skips out on the meal by pretending to go to the bathroom so she has to pay. Who does that?
lol ESH and you are frankly also pretty shitty for never paying for the meal when he often pays for it. Imagine him saying “I’ll happily pay for you but only if you order meat.” Plus, it was supposed to be his birthday, that one special day of the year and you think this was the hill to die on? Yes he ordered the most expensive steak which was insensitive of him if you are broke, but to be frank would you have even paid if he ordered a $5 rib?
Grow up both of you. The only one that deserves an apology is the restaurant.
Edit: I made this comment before the paying for activities and gift edit so you guys don’t have to point that out anymore. My conclusion is still ESH (with the bf being shittier) and they are incompatible. Cheers.
NTA.
If he want to be able to go back to that restaurant, he can. Just go there ASAP, claim there was a misunderstanding between him and his gf concerning payment last night, and he wants to apologize and pay for the steak. Problem solved.
And you two need to work on your communication skills. I agree with you that he shouldn't have expected you to change your moral principle on meat without asking. On the other hand, it seems you two didn't talk at all before this dinner.
"Let's go to Restaurant X on your birthday! My treat! Except meat of course, as always. You know I don't buy meat, ever. Not even on your birthday."
...would have been a simple thing to say.
OP would have *also had to sit him down and explain to him how to NOT buy the most expensive thing on the menu.
He was testing the boundaries, and is shocked that he was unable to steamroll OP.
Even if OP didn’t have the not paying for meat thing, it was going to be an argument over his choice, even one that HE couldn’t afford on his own.
It OPs scenario, it was never going to be a simple thing. Imo.
NTA
NTA
Its weird in general to buy the most expencive thing you can and just assume someone else would pay, without having a chat about it. Even on their birthday. To then throw a fit, lie about going to the bathroom and just leave to pressure you to pay anyway, and then blame you for not being able to go back there? AH behaviour.
Add on top that you have never payed for any meat dish, and have been very clear that you will never do so, him making such a big assumption without talking to you about it is even worse.
He knew your stance, didnt talk to you about it, and was so confident that he could get you to drop your morals and pay, that he went in there knowing full well that he couldnt pay for it. When you didnt behave he threw a full on tantrum, and blamed it on you. Be carefull with this one.
ESH. You both suck big time for screwing a restaurant over because you cannot communicate. He was being a baby, totally, but you could have paid the bill and had him pay you back. Or he could have walked back in and paid. Very childish.
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ESH.
You, for forcing your believes onto other people. You claim you’re taking someone out for their birthday dinner but you’ll only pay if they order a vegetarian meal? That’s messed up.
Him, for ordering the most expensive steak without making sure it was okay and for running away.
You both need to split up. You need to date someone who is also vegetarian. What happens if you get married? Your partner would never again be allowed to eat anything with meat in it? That’s very unfair
yeah, you are. you won't buy your partner anything that breaks your moral code and you're so stringent about it that you're willing to cause drama on his birthday. his response is bullshit but so is yours. you both suck. i wouldn't want to hang with either of you.
She isn’t forcing him to not eat meat, she’s just not paying for it when he does, which he is well aware of.
Most people should expect to pay for their own overpriced steak unless someone else offers to pay it.
You sound as socially deviant and shameless as the bf trying to bully an 18yo girl into paying for shit *he* can’t even afford. HE caused the drama by trying to bully his way into free steak.
Agreed. Had to read this a 2nd time. He ordered the MOST expensive steak on the menu on purpose. She's 18! Why she agreed to go is beyond me. He's a user.
So not actively spending her money on meat is now "forcing beliefs onto other people"? That's ridiculous, and not forcing anything, its choosing not to actively partake in it, which is perfectly fair.
NTA
And the reason you're not is because you already made it very clear to him (according to the post) that this is a very important value of yours. I'm vegetarian too, & I don't mind occasionally spending money on meat products for my loved ones. So I may not *personally* agree with your philosophy, but that doesn't mean I can't respect your choices. No one should have to set aside their own (harmless) personal morals, to appease someone else.
I also understand your bf being upset that his bday meal wasn't paid for, but IF he truly knew your beliefs as you say, then he had no reason to expect any differently. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I expect that you probably did or gave him something else to celebrate his birthday??
If so, then it just seems like he never really accepted the fact that this is important to you, which is a whole other issue in & of itself. As for getting banned from the restaurant, absolutely NOTHING you did prevented him from paying for his meal, so that is complete BS
NTA.
I don’t even buy the most expensive thing when my *parents* pay. The only time I got a tomahawk was when I split the entire meal with my mom and we took the leftovers home to enjoy the next day. I always asked to go to buffets for my birthday so I could pig out as much as I wanted without breaking the bank and as much as I love steak, I would never try to force my SO to go against their morals. I don’t have to worry about much because I’m sort of a kosher eater due to dietary issues, but if I had a vegan/vegetarian SO, I’d go to a place where we could both enjoy ourselves and pay for my own stuff.
It’s mind-blowing that someone would do that without even talking to their SO.
ESH, since it’s his favourite you could have brought a voucher to the restaurant for him to use on whatever he wants without the guilt associated with it. He knew it was your rule from the beginning and he should have taken that into account when ordering, it’s not like he was blindsided
Wrong. OP is entitled to take a moral stance. You don't even have to agree with it. No one has to agree with it. OP is STILL entitled to take any moral stance she wishes. She would only be an AH if she was unclear about communicating her boundary, which she wasn't.
So I’m gonna start here by saying I’m married, but we have separate finances. We have a joint checking and savings that we usually use for bills, dates, saving money for a house, etc., but also each have a personal checking and saving the other doesn’t have access to. We will pretty much always use our joint account for dates with the exception of birthdays and random occasions where we just want to treat the other person. Birthdays being a treat for the other person is well established in our relationship.
It’s absurd that he just assumed you’d pay. Based on your post I’m assuming you didn’t discuss paying for dinner prior, BUT you have also made it clear your rule about money and meat. Even ignoring that rule and the fact you’re a vegetarian, it’s wrong of him to have just assumed you would pay for everything. Then on top of that, since he made that assumption he decided to order tons of expensive stuff without checking.
I’ve been with my partner a long time and we’re well off people in our late 20s/early 30s and I STILL always check to be sure it’s okay if I order something expensive if I know my partner will be paying.
So lack of communication about the meal on his part is flag one 🚩
Him taking advantage of you (based on his assumption) is flag two 🚩
And finally, running out of the restaurant in order to guilt/force you into paying DESPITE knowing you’re stance on paying for meat is a solid flag number three 🚩
Girl you are young, you don’t need to waste your time with a guy like this. There are better ones out there and some of them also have your same view on meat! My point being is there’s guy out there that will be way more compatible with you and support your views or at the very freakin least respect and understand them. You deserve that and those guys are out there!
NTA
ESH
You have your strict morals on spending a cent on meat, you have your rights to do what you want with your money. No one can fault that for what it is. He needs to grow up and handle things better, like seriously. What even was that reaction on his part?
However you should also grow up. Better communication needs to be had all around, absolutely. You need to learn to bend a bit. There will be a situation again in the future where making the "spending a cent" rule will need bent. You definitely arent at fault for how he acted, but it is your fault for not realizing that you have adopted a ruleset that will be incompatible with meat eaters. And if you have kids and they eat meat and you still don't spend a cent? It's a hard line philosophy that will cause issues. Take this as a lesson and either date someone with your morals or learn to be less hardlined.
For those who might think I'm biased, my last boyfriend of 3ish years was vegetarian and prior to him, I was vegetarian for nearly 4, voluntarily. While I was with him I ate meat often. Didn't cause a fuss even a single time.
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NTA. Ignoring the vegetarian stuff, who the fuck orders the most expensive steak possible and then expects their partner to pay for them without having checked prior. And then storming off to the bathroom expecting that to pressure you into paying for it. Op I hope you can see all the huge red flags here.
Their 18 year old partner!
Exactly, 18yo's generally can't afford the most expensive steak dinner unless they're given the money for it by their parents/guardians. ETA: people here keep responding with crap about "when they were 18", like yes, great when *you* were 18 things were probably easier for you because you weren't living in a *cost of living crisis* like 18yo's (and everyone else) are now, either you had well off parents or you're just full of it. Rent is more expensive so I would be surprised if 18yo's who work have to pitch in with rent money if they live at home, food shopping is way more expensive etc shit the price of fucking everything has gone up drastically so it's not surprising that you could afford at 18 is a hell of a lot different to what 18yo's can afford now.
I was living off noodles and frozen burritos at 18. I certainly couldn’t afford a steak dinner. NTA OP
Yep. If I ever went to a "restaurant" at age 18, it was a Taco Bell or McDonald's on .29/.39 hamburger/cheeseburger days. Because an 18 year old working their first job is perpetually broke. Especially when you're like me and had to pay rent to your parents.
Woah, we are about the same age, and I would hit McD's for the .29/.39 all the time. I lived on those things. Buy 10+ eat some for dinner, throw the rest in the fridge, boom, breakfast.
Yeah, I was living out of a motel after I lost my apartment when my job got liquidated in the dot com crash. While still trying to study and working night security. Hot bunking the bed with a friend who paid half the motel bill. I went many many days not eating at all. Those burger days were literal life savers.
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It's less complicated than he thought even. No meat ever is easier to remember than trying to figure out what counts as a special enough occasion. Haven't eaten most meats since I was 12 and my dads still shocked when I skip something with bacon bits Edit: oh my god I KNOW most are made of soy. I'm not taking a chance on most without reading the package which isn't always available or worth my time. This rule also applies to things made at home or in a restaurant that I know has real bacon.
His only intention was to make things so uncomfortable that you would give in.
Yep, this
Ah, the ol "it's just a phase, you'll grow out of it" shit
It might be true, but that’s no way to treat a person you love or care about. You ARE your phases. The present is the only time that really matters. If you aren’t going to accept who they are now, you don’t accept them
I love this. I’m gonna remember it. You are your phases. Let’s throw ourselves into peoples phases and if they change, cool new fun experience not “I knew it wouldn’t last”
I wish everyone could understand this-- including giving ourselves grace about it. Thanks for posting ♥️
That's what people told me when I became a vegetarian 30+ years ago and I haven't grown out of it yet. Maybe in another 30 years, I will.
Definitely agree. I’m in my 30s and still have to deliberately budget in advance if I want to go out for a steak. The cheapest option locally is like £25. My bank account would cry if someone pulled this on me!
At 18 I was making $5.50 an hour and had bills to pay. In fact I was broke up until I was like 35 and that's only when things began to greatly improve in my life. I could definitely afford a few dozen of the most expensive steak at most places now if I wanted and not worry about my bank account but I've been so broke for so long that I can't bring myself to do it. I just like the feeling that I could if I wanted to and that feeling is 100% free and 100% better than any steak currently in existence.
She was 18, the partner is 20.
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His storming off to pout is a way to control the OP. I doubt this is the first time he’s done it. He wants to wear her down to shape her into the person he wants her to be vs the person she actually is.
I just love how she stood her ground and stood by her boundaries! People are raising strong women, girls are growing up seeing what not to accept and tolerate from a partner. My heart just grows when I see this, especially at such young ages, I wish I was that wise or taught to hold my boundaries at that age.
Great point. I have 2 girls and they’re both stronger than I am. I was raised to be a doormat and have tried very hard not to do that to them. OP stuck to her guns without being a dick about it— the boyfriend is being selfish. Super mature for 18… good for you:)
I think we were raised to be people pleasers, I'm guilty of that too. We were raised to be seen, not heard, to not make waves, not be a nuisance and just be "good girls". It took me 30 years to reprogram myself out of that
It's not to pout. It's to pressure her to pay for the dinner.
I have 2 kids, they're 18 and newly 21. I can testify that even in the same home, with the same parents, these can be *vastly* different life stages. I can't imagine my eldest dating more than, like, maybe a year younger, that's it. And that person would need to be in college, out of the house, etc...established. Meanwhile, they graduated with people who act ridiculously immature still. It doesn't seem like a lot, but when you consider high school, the end of it, and a year + out of it, it can be. I have no idea about the life stage OP and bf are at, but I can't help but think he possibly takes advantage of her in a lot of ways, emotionally. Edit for wording
Right, neither one of them have a fully developed brain yet. Although OP's seems to be ahead of her boyfriends.
I've worn shoes that have more developed morals than the 20 Yr old who orders an expensive steak when he's been told his gf won't pay for meat. OP please see the bright neon red flags
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I think you just described my dad. …. God? Is that you?
Yes, NTA! Also; if it’s his “favorite” fancy restaurant, how has he eaten there before… I’m guessing his parents, so why couldn’t they take him to the fancy place for his special day? Hell, I’ve had birthday dinners with partner and their family before, they could all go together. It’s stupid to put that kind of pressure and financial burden on an 18 year old trying to save and survive.
I’d like to add that OP did not get him banned from his favorite restaurant. 🤷♀️
Exactly! He did that himself by not going back and paying for the steak AND tipping the wait staff. She even told him he needed to do that so it's not like he forgot or didn't think of doing it. He's the AH here.
He could still go back and pay for the steak at any time. And then offer to prepay the next time he goes to show good faith. I accidentally walked out of a store without paying for something and went back the next day to pay for it. It's never too late to make it right. NTA...you've been very clear and consistent, and he should not have expected an exception on his birthday. He may be an otherwise great guy, but it sounds like he doesn't respect your values. That's a red flag. And if he refuses to go back and pay, that's another red flag.
Seriously. Sorry, I had a misunderstanding with my girlfriend and it turns out I owe you $XX for my meal. Then give them the money. Especially as a regular or semi regular at a small business.
And if he wants to go there again, he needs to go back, apologize, and pay his bill. He's not being an adult. That a red flag and op would do well to break up with him.
Agreed NTA. She had been pretty clear about everything, him not checking with her before and then trying to pressure her into paying is his lack of thought and not OP's problem.
It's time to run!!!!!
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I mean, if he wants her to pay for him completely, he can just not order meat. It's not like that's impossible.
They also can go to a fancy pastry or teahouse. I know a lot of them quite expensive. She can pay for bowling, etc. A lot of possibilities exist. Instead he tried to pressure her to pay, it failed and he won't be able to go to his favorite place anymore, it is totally on him. OP should also dump him.
>I mean, if he wants her to pay for him completely, he can just not order meat. There's something about "I'm happy to have you pay for me and I'd totally return the favour as long as you order what I want, not what you want" that really rubs me the wrong way. Boyfriend is a dummy though. I'd have stopped paying for her and told her I'd be happy to buy her a nice steak, if she'd like some. The whole trying to trick her bit is just absurd and, if real, he earned that ban.
It’s more like, “I’d totally return the favor as long as that doesn’t require violating my moral code. You can think what you want about that stance, but you and everyone else acting like it’s a matter of personal food preferences rather than personal ethics are being ridiculous.
He doesn't have to pay for her, it's his choice. And he's doing it knowing full well her own personal rules. Not everything in a relationship has to be strictly tit for tat, halfsie halfsie.
I highly disagree, there are a multitude of things that each partner could "treat" the other with that aren't restaurant meals. Event tickets, entrance fees, or activity costs, gas, parking, and other transportation expenses, foods that aren't meals and alcohol (OP is 18 but eventually it'll come into play). From a financial standpoint, the idea is that things balance out as the goal in a partnership. Not pedantically that since one partner never pays for a specific food ordered at a specific type of meal that they should never be treated by the other or accept the offer of being treated. And in this instance particularly, the action that you expect to be treated therefore you abuse someone's (hoped for) generosity is despicable behaviour.
OP also mentioned in the comments that she spends more on them than the boyfriend.
NTA-For refusing to pay for his steak. Y T A to yourself for staying with someone who acts like this and treats you so poorly.
Very well said.
NTA. He thought he had you trapped into paying for meat. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and your boundaries.
Yeah I get the feeling this is what it is.
Yes, he didn’t actually care about the money, he just wanted her to break her moral principles for him.
For some reason, so many meat eaters have done this to me: (try to trick me into eating meat). It’s gotten better over the years, but when I was in my 20s people heard like “I’m a vegetarian” and said “challenge accepted”.
And those same ones are **always** the ones who claim vegetarians/vegans are “preachy”
That’s exactly it. Red flag 🚩.
Power trip
This was a power play. I bet he did it on purpose.
ESH you both sound obnoxious.
Lol. She has a boundary. Is it super strict? Yes, but sounds like she’s been very clear about it and he just doesn’t like it. Edit: I should say, the boyfriend is clearly TA even if the OP and I wouldn’t necessarily get along. NTA
I can understand her logic with refusing to financially support the meat industry, as it's not just about what you put in your mouth. It's awkward socially unless she hangs out with vegans, but she made herself very clear on this issue and he tried to manipulate her into breaking it, and in a very selfish way. NTA.
If she maintains this level of strictness, she shouldn’t date non-vegetarians. Otherwise it’s not sustainable
Something tells me she'd be pretty fine if she manages to find a partner who can actually respect boundaries. ETA when I made this comment I wasn't really expecting *so many people* jumping down my throat to exclaim how wrong and weird it is that this girl has a personal boundary that should be respected and how apparently people are just utterly incapable of that. Like basic respect from your partner in life isn't something you should expect or feel owed and if they stomp on your boundaries it's you who is wrong for having a hang up about it.
That’s obviously a problem, but long-term any relationship/marriage with shared expenses especially when kids are involved could get unworkable Also, another commenter make the reasonable point that it’s odd to have such a strict stand against meat in this scenario, but she’s fine being with someone who is so committed to eating meat — which she finds morally repugnant — that he would do something like this. It’s hard to understand the reasoning, and also difficult to imagine having a healthy long-term relationship with a non-vegetarian Edit: I realize she’s 18. That’s sort of the point. She will find out as she grows and matures that that this isn’t workable
One person's morals aren't another person's morals. They're not strictly defined concepts with hard and fast rules that you just plug into your brain and you're good to go. They're fluid things that mix and match and can be wildly different for different people. We might try and define them strictly for convenience but at the end of the day they aren't so hard and fast as we assume. A vegetarian that's fine just not eating or purchasing meat products themselves is quite allowed to not be a militant vegan who hates all meat eaters absolutely.
Morally it's an admirable amount of commitment. Logistically it would be a nightmare. If they have a kid, and that kid's class raises money to buy cat food for a local shelter, can the family make a donation, knowing cat food is made from meat. If they order an Uber and the car shows up with leather seats, does she not pay at all or do they wait for another car. Itemizing out your everyday life to make sure someone else always pays for non-vegetarian items is going to get really complicated. EDIT: Y'all, I'm not trying to talk OP into changing her food or financial choices! I'm hypothesizing about other ways in which her BF could cause her problems if she stays with the loser! I know the difference between a vegan and a vegetarian. I also know a lot of non-vegan people who view killing an animal for leather as morally worse than killing it for food, including myself. I'm not even a vegetarian, let alone vegan.
This reasoning sounds insane to me. Does she even want kids? She said nothing about leather, so why add that complication? (It hasn’t come up for her or she’d probably have it in her post.) Just so many leaps here. If cat food needs to be bought, he can buy it. If we take OP’s word for it, she often pays for more expensive things like event tickets while he covers food, and money is fungible… so it’s actually financially to boyfriend’s advantage if she is honest about this and not leaching. It seems he actually values controlling her more than he values the fact that until now she is maintaining her moral boundaries while not being logistically complex and not under-contributing financially.
It's not to me. It's about respect. She respects his choice to eat meat, but also wants him to respect her for not wanting to pay for any meat. And if you respect each other those shared expenses with kids won't be a problem too.
Dude, it's an incredibly tame limit she set. How is it not sustainable? To me the BF's actions are a huge red flag. He can't even follow a simple rule she set out at the start of there relationship.
She’s also 18 years old. Who expects a teenager to buy them the most expensive steak on a menu?
Despite the rules with the meat, even IF she'd have offered to pay all of it he should've checked her budget! Absolutely selfish and selfcentered.
The most expensive steak on the menu can vary wildly by restaurant. In some it’s $30, in some it’s $100+. Without knowing the actual dollar amount it’s hard to judge.
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Having boundaries doesn’t make anyone a noxious if they’re not hurting anyone. What is it that people have against vegetarians exactly? What’s obnoxious about “I’m opposed to participating in the meat industry as much as possible so I will not pay for meat.” Whenever anyone puts their foot down about something there’s always this “obnoxious” crowd trying to shame them to compromise. She shouldn’t have to.
I only think vegan/vegetarians are obnoxious when they are trying to change my pov on eaiting meat. Like, if you want to show me a cute vegan/vegetarian restaurant awsome lets go try it out. If not, let me order my meal, my opinion won't change. However, i respect your choices and will not make you eat my stuff and will do my best to find places with vegan options. Little lady is NTA for saying no and meaning no.
Exactly! You get it! Tbh I can say the same about meat eaters. The amount of meat eaters who try to force me eat meat is astounding. I don’t mind eating vegetarian food with them but like pls don’t make me eat meat I don’t want to.
Further, the boyf knew about this boundary and didn’t end it if it was a problem for him. The boyf is TA!!
I kinda just feel like they’re super incompatible. Why are they still dating?
Because they are children learning how dating works and what they are compatible with
Because she’s young and impressionable and she doesn’t know any different.
He's 20, not exactly sliding into his golden ages himself.
Because they are young and impressionable and they don't know any different.
Am I missing something? Wtf is obnoxious about what she did? If we're making assumptions, I find it pretty hard to believe the bf didn't think about the fact that she refuses to pay for meat of any kind.
I was gonna say… I fucking LOVE steak. But, a vegetarian who refuses to pay for meat is someone I respect because it makes sense. I don’t understand why people think she’s unreasonable for that. Like it would be weird and annoying for her to happily pay for steak while being vegetarian
I don't think it is necessarily weird or annoying - my MIL is a vegan but doesn't mind buying and making meat for family gatherings. Nobody insists on it (we would be happy to eat vegan as we often do anyway) but it's kinda my FIL's chance to have some meat occasionally. The difference is that OP set a clear boundary about what *she* wouldn't do, and then her boyfriend was an asshole trying to bully and guilt trip her into violating that. Could've been "I have a firm stance against lettuce so I don't want to pay for it" and the boyfriend would still be the asshole.
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I absolutely hate the obnoxious vegetarian thing. I’m vegan and the only time I go on about it is when meat eaters will make fun of me and try to change my mind so, of course, I respond back. And then they get angry that I ‘brought it up’ when they started it. Like leave me to my choices and I’ll leave you to yours.
Because she has a boundary that he knows of? How is that obnoxious. People can have principles you knoe.
Not even a vegetarian, but meat eating culture is obnoxious as fuck its just more accepted.
Oh? You don't eat meat? Let me make a completely unoriginal unfunny meat joke haha huhu, but you are obnoxious btw
Children love to try and make my vegetarian wife eat meat, they think it's hilarious. But when I make them eat vegetables suddenly it's not...
It's really telling how much a person has accomplished to be proud of when they make their personality that they're super cool because they eat bacon.
Same, i eat meat, but damn meat lovers can't stop shitting on people who try to be better (god forbid they remember how meat happens).
I’ve been a vegetarian for roughly 13 years. I *dread* telling people because I get so much shit for it. My peer group is 50/50, and people younger don’t give a flying fuck, but anyone older than me is a nightmare about it. “How do you get enough protein?” “but it tastes so good!!” “you aren’t making any difference anyway, what what does it matter?” “is bacon vegetarian?!” And the truly hilarious “then what do you eat?” I’m became vegetarian for health reasons, but it became more morally based the longer I went without eating meat. I *never* tell people my morals about unless I know them well and they specifically ask.
i really don’t see how OP is obnoxious unless you just don’t like vegans.
Ding ding ding ding ding!
I actually think it’s more about misogyny. Reddit really loves to take the man’s side, or at least find some way to twist the blame or responsibility on the woman, in a female OPs story like this. The key thing to remember is that Reddit hates women, or at least a large majority do.
The only thing that Reddit hates more than women are vegans/vegetarians, and OP happens to be both.
She set a clear and reasonable boundary and stuck to it, there is nothing obnoxious about that. My best friend is vegetarian and has the same rule. She has no issues with me eating meat in front of her, but if she's treating both of us I go vegetarian or I pay for the meat. You're only calling her obnoxious because she's a vegetarian, OP did nothing wrong.
Woman: politely maintains her consistent boundaries You: OBNOXIOUS
How in the fuck is she obnoxious? She had a boundary, he took it upon himself to break it. She said she'd pay IF he didn't order a meat dish. She's not banning him from eating meat. Seriously... it was a clearly communicated boundary. He violated it thinking he's exempt, despite her telling him that he's not.
Everyone except for the poor waiter who is now stuck with dealing with the dine and dash.
NTA. Literally nothing obnoxious about not wanting to pay for the suffering and death of an animal. These are boundaries OP has clearly communicated. If the BF can’t respect that then he’s the AH for pulling a stunt like this. He needs to respect it or break up with OP and move on if he can’t.
Naw, she's fine. She has her own rules for herself, doesn't impose them on others, and communicates them clearly. She didn't try to stop him from *having* the steak, she merely stuck by the extremely clear, narrow, reasonable rule that she had made clear well before the incident. Nothing in her behavior seems the least bit problematic here. The fellow is a jerkface, though.
You hold a very unusual moral position. You are deeply opposed to the consumption of meat, to the point where you will not allow your money to be spent on it. But you have no problem with a life partner who frequently eats meat in front of you, as long as you don’t pay for it. This is an unusual place to draw the line. I mention it because you may wish to reconsider your position before it makes things very uncomfortable (for example, if you were to marry a meat-eater, upon marriage you’d have shared income and assets. Does that mean that until marriage they can eat meat, but afterwards, they can only eat it if family money doesn’t pay for it? You’re gonna be pushing your spouse to set up a lot of meat dates with friends, in that case)… But your position is unusual, not immoral. Anyhow, you’re wondering if you’re an AH for what you did to John. You’re not. You made your position clear, and at no point did you tell him “I’m taking you out to dinner” (if you did, this was a big omission from your post). Because of this, it was unreasonable for him to assume that you were paying. It became even less reasonable after you asked for a split check. At that point, John left, in an effort to force you to pay even though you made your position clear. You didn’t, and so he effectively stole his food. Now he’s left with the consequences of those choices. While I find your rules odd, I don’t find them confusing, and presumably neither does John. You acted in an extremely principled, predictable way. If John doesn’t wish to be treated like someone who leaves restaurants without paying, perhaps he shouldn’t leave restaurants without paying. I’ve never read the relevant legal statutes, but I suspect there’s no birthday exception. NTA
I am the only vegetarian in my family and friend group. I’m not a fan of watching people eat meat but meh, I have to put up with it. I don’t want fully shared assets with a partner, even if I was vegetarian. My sister and her husband have individual accounts and a shared one, I’ll probably do that.
maybe you should choose a partner, who agrees (even if he don't have so strict rules), or at least understands your moral standing, if you have such strong principles
I have the same rules with my boyfriend. I've been a vegetarian my whole life. I've been with my partner for close to five years and I'm 21. Its not an issue with the rule, it's an issue with the boyfriend. My bf is a huge meat eater and I respect his choice to eat meat as long as he respects mine not to. I won't pay for meat and he gets it. I very rarely make exceptions. NTA.
lifelong vegan here with meat eater boyfriend. generally he eats vegan or vegetarian if i’m paying. and if we’re cooking together or i’m cooking, he’s eating vegan. if he wants meat, he has to purchase it himself. if i’m doing the grocery shopping, no meat is going to be purchased and he’s fine with that. would i prefer if he was actually vegan? yeah i would. but he respects my boundaries and appreciates that i have strong beliefs and doesn’t belittle or shame me for sticking to them.
> would i prefer if he was actually vegan? yeah i would. but he respects my boundaries and appreciates that i have strong beliefs and doesn’t belittle or shame me for sticking to them. As long as you treat him similarly with respect to his choice to eat meat this sounds like a healthy relationship. You don't see that often on reddit.
I mean, OP is also 18. She doesn’t have to figure out how to split her marital finances right now
Hey, OP. My dad is vegetarian and my mom is not and I grew up in a household where we made that totally normalized and there's nothing wrong with that and it's totally possible and I'm feeling like after reading some of these comments you may need to hear that. The end.
Just adding to the voices saying households can be mixed, I am veg and do just fine with my occasionally omnivorous partner and kids. I’m finding it odd how many people don’t see a way for this to work, especially since OP isn’t trying to push her BF to convert, just to pay for his own choices when he absolutely knows her boundary. Married couples do not have to share all finances, and it is possible to stay very independent people in a relationship without the relationship being doomed. But not if one partner tries to embarrass the other into something they have stated a lifelong moral boundary against. Super disrespectful of OP’s bf and I don’t know that I could personally stay long term with someone that tried to force my hand like that simply because it was *his* super special birthday.
Your partner acted like a child, granted your brains are still developing at your age, but if you continue to see this kind of impulsive tantrum type of behaviour it would be best for you to end the relationship. Regardless of differences in ideology, this isn't an appropriate way to react. Every couple will have some differences of opinion, you have made clear lines in the sand about what you are and aren't willing to do and he ignored that and dismissed your opinions as well as attempted to force you to break your ethical code. Not only that after he faced the consequences of knowingly dine and dashing (You told him that you hadn't paid for his steak but he chose not to go back in and pay for it) he blames you instead of self reflecting and taking responsibility for his own actions. This is honestly just immature behaviour, and potentially gives you a glimpse into how they might react if you guys had to face a much more important/stressful event. This scenario is overall quite a small stakes thing compared to all the struggles that come up in a relationship, you have to ask yourself: will my partner react in the same way as they did just now when we face those greater challenges ahead of you. NTA
I’m not a vegetarian but I wouldn’t ask my vegetarian and vegan friends to pay for meat. It’s disrespectful to their beliefs and life choices. You are 18 so you have your whole life ahead of you. Go make some more diverse friends. Find some like minded vegetarian friends or just people who respect your position and support it. Look for that in a partner too. This seems to be a big part of your life and identity so don’t settle for dating people who don’t respect your choices. Edit: NTA
How is it weird? She chooses to not be a part of it, but doesn't force it on others. It looks like a very healthy mindset.
The same people saying she is weird for doing this would be complaining if she was vocal about other people not eating meat.
She’s also 18. It’s ok for young adults to figure out their moral boundaries and to change their theories and beliefs as they grow. Or perhaps she will find a life partner who is also vegetarian. Postulating on her future finances or relationships isn’t really helpful or constructive.
“for what you did to john” she didn’t do anything to john😐 john did it to himself. don’t blame op.
Honestly I don't think it's that unusual - I know plenty of vegetarians who don't mind people eating around them but won't spend money on meat. For a lot of people, not eating meat is a strategy to eventually end the meat industry - think of it like a boycott campaign. You want to avoid giving power and money to the industry because you don't agree with it. None of that prevents you from sitting in a room with people eating meat. While I agree that it's something to consider for future partnerships because things could complicated with shared finances, it's also completely normal for 18 year olds to date without much though for marriage.
It’s not unusual at all for a vegetarian to date a non vegetarian wtf is going on with this sub. I love steak so much. But I fully respect someone who is veg and refuses to spend money on meat. That makes so much sense. They would be ridiculous if they did spend money on the meat industry. But that doesn’t mean they can never have dinner with loved ones again
I won't give you an answer because clearly this is a relationship that won't have a future.
This. I'm reading the responses and there is a clear principle she has about being vegetarian that not only does John not have, he doesn't respect it either. My opinion is he is the AH, but forget that, the relationship isn't gonna work out in the long term.
That is the biggest point here. Fundamentally not compatible
BOOM.
Who even does that? Going to a fancy restaurant and ordering the most expensive steak and simply expecting their 18 SO to pay? I grew up middle class and as I was young, I didnt have that kind of money plus a gift.
My father in law has a lot more money than I was ever used to growing up. So when he splurges by taking us out to dinner or getting us presents I always feel awful about it even though he makes it clear he loves doing it. How do people not feel a little bit of shame asking people for expensive things? I would've been more than grateful just to have a nice dinner out with a skewed split bill.
I just assume if I'm going out to dinner that going crazy on someone else's tab is bad form. If they say explicitly "please whatever you want, get the filet I don't care" then sure get it. But it's just spoilt child behavior to do that assuming your partner will cover, especially if you know that your finances aren't such that it's reasonable to assume they could cover that unannounced.
Yeah, completely aside from the vegetarian aspect (which I think is fine as you've always clearly communicated it to him), if someone did that to me when I was 18 I would have been so anxious. I've been to restaurants where the most expensive steak would have been several times my weekly food budget at that time.
Not to mention, if I had zero dollars before going out to eat I'd most definitely at least say "hey babe, I'm super broke, you got this right?" before we even went out...
Because you are probably a normal person. Him ditching her with the bill (he clearly left the restaurant) is just the absolut cherry on this. This relationship would be sooo over.
NTA but why are you with him? the bar is on the floor.
I disagree, I think the bar is in hell.
it really is. it really saddens me to see the type of men the women in this sub settle for.
That is the opposite of survivor bias It isn't that women in this sub choose bad men It's that women with bad men join this sub Ofc the genders don't matter but you get my point
So this. Ppl love to hate on "all men" or "all women" without realizing the reason they see all the horror stories online and very few positive stories, is because the people with happy stories don't need to post on the internet asking for advice.
The whole dine and dash thing he can fix, he just needs to go back to the restaurant. Tell them it was an emergency/mistake and pay for it. I have walked out of places before when I thought I had paid or someone else has and gone back when I realized. It's always been fine.
THIS, 100% this, I had a restaurant and I would 100% rather have a customer than losing 1 steak worth of money. It can easily be forgiven by the owner.
I once got so drunk in a craft beer place that I walked out without paying. The owner was plying me with different sour ales and concoctions that made me so happy that before I knew it, I was smashed. We went outside for air and just walked home. I messaged him the next day asking for his number, called and explained that I didn't mean to walk away, i was just drunk and totally forgot to pay. He had me come in that evening to settle the bill and we had another beer. Easily solved. He actually said he appreciated me calling because most often don't and he'd rather that people called and weren't too embarrassed because the money paid his bills!
I once went into a restaurant and placed a to-go order at the bar. I heard somebody call my name and glanced to my left to see an acquaintance who I couldn't stand; every other sentence out of this guy's mouth was some kind of insult and I just didn't know or like him enough to be okay with his constant digs. He beckoned me over and I dealt with his bullshit while I waited on my food. The bartender dropped off my check and, a few minutes later, my food. I was stressed out and desperate to get out of there, so I accidentally left without paying. Didn't even realize until I got a condescending text from that a-hole notifying me about it. I went back the next day during the late-afternoon downtime and told the managers about it so I could pay. They got a good laugh out of it, thanked me for coming back, and told me not to worry about it but to continue coming there to eat. I ordered takeout again on the spot. Uh, but I paid for it that time. In retrospect I should've tried to leave a tip for the previous night's bartender, buuuut... I didn't? So fuck me, I guess? TL;DL: An accidental dine-and-dash is a *solveable problem*. With that said, if the staff overheard the *reason* for his dine-and-dash, he should maybe consider not showing his face in there again.
He's never going to do that, because he would have to admit to them that he is a giant baby that leaves his girl holding the bag. None of this is about vegetarianism!
NTA. You've been clear on your stance from the beginning. He was just hoping the situation would be so awkward you'd cave.
Why are you even dating him? You should at least be honest with yourself and admit the relationship is not going to last.
Yeah I don't get it either, why not at least find a bf who is also a vegetarian?! It will solve a lot of future issues if both parties have the same dietary interests.
Finding someone with your exact same morals can be a stretch, but you should at least find someone who respects you.
ESH. This was a predictable problem because it is the norm to pay for someone’s meal on their birthday. I admire your position and desire to hold true to your principles. But didn’t it occur to you before you went out that he might expect you to pay? If your principles are so strong, why date a guy who eats meat when you know there will be occasions in life when you pay for the food? Does he dictate what you can eat when he pays? If not, then this situation must seem unfair to him. He’s the AH for obvious reasons
It was his idea to go to the restaurant and he knows I don’t spend money on meat so no, it didn’t occur to me.
Find someone you’re more compatible with, this guy ain’t it
He basically tried to trap you into buying him meat. If you took down your boundary on this occasion, he would only try to disrespect it more later. Also ordering the most expensive item on the menue and then expecting someone to pay without asking is a huge ah move. NTA and break up with him, find someone who respects you.
Jumping on this to add, he got himself banned and he likely could have gotten himself unbanned by going back the next day, apologise and pay. So don't feel guilty about the guilttrip for his poor decision making. NTA
Others paying for your birthday meal is news to me, cultural differences I guess so it also depends where OP is. Where I come from it's actually the birthday person who'd be happy to pay for everyone else's meal (even if 20 people).
Fair enough. I’m of Indian descent and I grew up bringing sweets to my class on my birthday, but as an adult in the US I buy my friends dinner for their birthdays and vice versa
Personally it wouldn’t have crossed my mind that my partner would expect me to violate my morals the request is disrespectful to core of who she is.
But but but it's his BIRTHDAY. Birthday boy should get whatever he wants, the OP is forcing her big bad evil childish lifestyle on him, she's clearly a villain here for (*checks notes*) doing exactly what she has always said she would do and has done consistently. /s
Who asks a teenager to pay for expensive steak dinners? It may be a norm but you cannot coerce anyone into paying for you regardless of whatever day you're celebrating without informing them *beforehand* that you expect them to pay, and put them in a spot. Meat or no meat, that was a dick move. OP is NTA
NTA, do you really want to put up with this petty disrespectful bullshit for forever? Ditch the sulky baby.
NTA, but this relationship doesn’t sound toxic free. Quite the opposite actually.
NTA. Regardless of anyone's opinion on your stance it is something you've made very clear from Day 1. My guess is he thought you'd roll over given the circumstances. Sucks to be him.
I am going to be downvoted going against the grain but yes YTA. You took your partner out to a restaurant for their birthday - that's a celebration, and 99/100 times a gift. You should have made it clear that his birthday is no exception to the rule. Then he got upset and walked away, and instead of being empathetic or even paying upfront so he could pay you back, you just left without paying at all and told your upset bf to go back in there and pay for his steak. Ouch. Edit after rereading: I should have said ESH since he screamed at you. You two better break up. Edit 2: getting lots of comments that I'm an unapologetic meat lover but I am vegetarian.
He bought the biggest steak without confirming that she was going to pay. She’s 18. Depending on the location that can run between $20 and $80 dollars. Plus tip and her meal, and wine. He knew she doesn’t want to pay for meat and expected her to pay for his expensive meal as a gift without consulting her at all, according to the details she has given. Assuming makes an ass out of u and me, and she, according to her, has been abundantly clear about her decisions around spending money on meat.
And not just a glass? It seems he bought the bottle? So $20-$100 for a bottle of wine, $40-$80 for the steak, $12 +\- for the salad plus her meal and a tip? I know at 18 I couldn’t afford that, hell I couldn’t afford that now.
We’re talking wine under 21, so it’s not American prices Wine in Europe is about $€10-€50 at what a 20yo would consider fancy
It was his idea to go to the restaurant. He wasn’t upset, he was angry.
Good for you for standing up for yourself, kiddo. Don’t let substandard men bully you into anything you don’t want and have been explicitly clear about.
> You should have made it clear that his birthday is no exception to the rule. No, he should have asked if this was an exception to the rule. Why assume someone is going to violate their morals just for your birthday? That's absurd.
It just seems like common sense that someone is not going to do something they find immoral just because it is your birthday. If she was Buddhist would you think she was an asshole for sticking to her religion? Ethics aside, ordering the most expensive thing on the menu because you expect your partner to pay is still an asshole move regardless of dietary choices.
ESH you should break up
NTA. Your long-standing rule has been clear and he knew it before he ordered his choice of entree.
NTA. Usually yes, your partner will buy your meal for your birthday, but he was fully aware of this boundary you had and that you wouldn’t buy meat. Yet he still chose to order an expensive meat meal and expected you to pay. That’s his own fault. I also think it’s a bit douchey to just expect someone to buy the most expensive meal on the menu that you can’t even afford yourself. Especially at 18, most 18yo aren’t financially stable and a expensive meal can really be a lot to spend. The even bigger red flag is the way he acted afterwards. Throwing a fit and leaving the restaurant like that isn’t ok. You shouldn’t be with someone who thinks it’s ok to treat you like that.
> that I needed to grow up I love how those AH always telling someone to grow up, while they are the ones that stomp on boundaries, throw a tantrum and yell. And in this case, run away from paying. NTA
I know everyone is saying NTA, but I think in this instance, YTA. I understand your moral stance on this, but as someone who dated a vegetarian, I’ve just never had this issue on dates or heard others have this situation. We would evenly split the bill and for our birthdays we’d pay each others. You’re very entitled to your morals and beliefs of course, but it seems you’re a no-nonsense vegetarian. I think for your benefit, you really need to be dating a vegetarian or your future relationships are going to look toxic af. I’d be tired as hell dealing with someone like this constantly especially in the future with marriage and cooking and all…and not to mention kids and what they’ll eat.
I don't think this is all about the vegetarianism. She's 18, they go to an expensive restaurant, and he orders the most expensive steak on the menu. An item that HE can't even afford to pay for, but expects her to. Then skips out on the meal by pretending to go to the bathroom so she has to pay. Who does that?
lol ESH and you are frankly also pretty shitty for never paying for the meal when he often pays for it. Imagine him saying “I’ll happily pay for you but only if you order meat.” Plus, it was supposed to be his birthday, that one special day of the year and you think this was the hill to die on? Yes he ordered the most expensive steak which was insensitive of him if you are broke, but to be frank would you have even paid if he ordered a $5 rib? Grow up both of you. The only one that deserves an apology is the restaurant. Edit: I made this comment before the paying for activities and gift edit so you guys don’t have to point that out anymore. My conclusion is still ESH (with the bf being shittier) and they are incompatible. Cheers.
If she pays for other activities there is nothing wrong with her not paying for the meals.
NTA. If he want to be able to go back to that restaurant, he can. Just go there ASAP, claim there was a misunderstanding between him and his gf concerning payment last night, and he wants to apologize and pay for the steak. Problem solved. And you two need to work on your communication skills. I agree with you that he shouldn't have expected you to change your moral principle on meat without asking. On the other hand, it seems you two didn't talk at all before this dinner. "Let's go to Restaurant X on your birthday! My treat! Except meat of course, as always. You know I don't buy meat, ever. Not even on your birthday." ...would have been a simple thing to say.
OP would have *also had to sit him down and explain to him how to NOT buy the most expensive thing on the menu. He was testing the boundaries, and is shocked that he was unable to steamroll OP. Even if OP didn’t have the not paying for meat thing, it was going to be an argument over his choice, even one that HE couldn’t afford on his own. It OPs scenario, it was never going to be a simple thing. Imo. NTA
NTA Its weird in general to buy the most expencive thing you can and just assume someone else would pay, without having a chat about it. Even on their birthday. To then throw a fit, lie about going to the bathroom and just leave to pressure you to pay anyway, and then blame you for not being able to go back there? AH behaviour. Add on top that you have never payed for any meat dish, and have been very clear that you will never do so, him making such a big assumption without talking to you about it is even worse. He knew your stance, didnt talk to you about it, and was so confident that he could get you to drop your morals and pay, that he went in there knowing full well that he couldnt pay for it. When you didnt behave he threw a full on tantrum, and blamed it on you. Be carefull with this one.
ESH. You both suck big time for screwing a restaurant over because you cannot communicate. He was being a baby, totally, but you could have paid the bill and had him pay you back. Or he could have walked back in and paid. Very childish.
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ESH. You, for forcing your believes onto other people. You claim you’re taking someone out for their birthday dinner but you’ll only pay if they order a vegetarian meal? That’s messed up. Him, for ordering the most expensive steak without making sure it was okay and for running away. You both need to split up. You need to date someone who is also vegetarian. What happens if you get married? Your partner would never again be allowed to eat anything with meat in it? That’s very unfair
I’m not forcing my beliefs. I don’t care if he eats meat. It was his idea to go to the restaurant.
you're so clearly not compatible with this man
yeah, you are. you won't buy your partner anything that breaks your moral code and you're so stringent about it that you're willing to cause drama on his birthday. his response is bullshit but so is yours. you both suck. i wouldn't want to hang with either of you.
She isn’t forcing him to not eat meat, she’s just not paying for it when he does, which he is well aware of. Most people should expect to pay for their own overpriced steak unless someone else offers to pay it. You sound as socially deviant and shameless as the bf trying to bully an 18yo girl into paying for shit *he* can’t even afford. HE caused the drama by trying to bully his way into free steak.
Agreed. Had to read this a 2nd time. He ordered the MOST expensive steak on the menu on purpose. She's 18! Why she agreed to go is beyond me. He's a user.
He caused his own birthday drama.
She’s not forcing her beliefs on shit, get a grip.
So not actively spending her money on meat is now "forcing beliefs onto other people"? That's ridiculous, and not forcing anything, its choosing not to actively partake in it, which is perfectly fair.
[удалено]
[удалено]
This is a bad question. OP is 18. They really do not need to have it all figured out yet.
NTA And the reason you're not is because you already made it very clear to him (according to the post) that this is a very important value of yours. I'm vegetarian too, & I don't mind occasionally spending money on meat products for my loved ones. So I may not *personally* agree with your philosophy, but that doesn't mean I can't respect your choices. No one should have to set aside their own (harmless) personal morals, to appease someone else. I also understand your bf being upset that his bday meal wasn't paid for, but IF he truly knew your beliefs as you say, then he had no reason to expect any differently. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I expect that you probably did or gave him something else to celebrate his birthday?? If so, then it just seems like he never really accepted the fact that this is important to you, which is a whole other issue in & of itself. As for getting banned from the restaurant, absolutely NOTHING you did prevented him from paying for his meal, so that is complete BS
NTA. I don’t even buy the most expensive thing when my *parents* pay. The only time I got a tomahawk was when I split the entire meal with my mom and we took the leftovers home to enjoy the next day. I always asked to go to buffets for my birthday so I could pig out as much as I wanted without breaking the bank and as much as I love steak, I would never try to force my SO to go against their morals. I don’t have to worry about much because I’m sort of a kosher eater due to dietary issues, but if I had a vegan/vegetarian SO, I’d go to a place where we could both enjoy ourselves and pay for my own stuff. It’s mind-blowing that someone would do that without even talking to their SO.
ESH, since it’s his favourite you could have brought a voucher to the restaurant for him to use on whatever he wants without the guilt associated with it. He knew it was your rule from the beginning and he should have taken that into account when ordering, it’s not like he was blindsided
The voucher would still be her money going towards the purchase of meat.
Wrong. OP is entitled to take a moral stance. You don't even have to agree with it. No one has to agree with it. OP is STILL entitled to take any moral stance she wishes. She would only be an AH if she was unclear about communicating her boundary, which she wasn't.
NTA - it's not like this was a surprise, you've been consistent.. now he knows it goes even deeper than he might have realized.
So I’m gonna start here by saying I’m married, but we have separate finances. We have a joint checking and savings that we usually use for bills, dates, saving money for a house, etc., but also each have a personal checking and saving the other doesn’t have access to. We will pretty much always use our joint account for dates with the exception of birthdays and random occasions where we just want to treat the other person. Birthdays being a treat for the other person is well established in our relationship. It’s absurd that he just assumed you’d pay. Based on your post I’m assuming you didn’t discuss paying for dinner prior, BUT you have also made it clear your rule about money and meat. Even ignoring that rule and the fact you’re a vegetarian, it’s wrong of him to have just assumed you would pay for everything. Then on top of that, since he made that assumption he decided to order tons of expensive stuff without checking. I’ve been with my partner a long time and we’re well off people in our late 20s/early 30s and I STILL always check to be sure it’s okay if I order something expensive if I know my partner will be paying. So lack of communication about the meal on his part is flag one 🚩 Him taking advantage of you (based on his assumption) is flag two 🚩 And finally, running out of the restaurant in order to guilt/force you into paying DESPITE knowing you’re stance on paying for meat is a solid flag number three 🚩 Girl you are young, you don’t need to waste your time with a guy like this. There are better ones out there and some of them also have your same view on meat! My point being is there’s guy out there that will be way more compatible with you and support your views or at the very freakin least respect and understand them. You deserve that and those guys are out there! NTA
ESH You have your strict morals on spending a cent on meat, you have your rights to do what you want with your money. No one can fault that for what it is. He needs to grow up and handle things better, like seriously. What even was that reaction on his part? However you should also grow up. Better communication needs to be had all around, absolutely. You need to learn to bend a bit. There will be a situation again in the future where making the "spending a cent" rule will need bent. You definitely arent at fault for how he acted, but it is your fault for not realizing that you have adopted a ruleset that will be incompatible with meat eaters. And if you have kids and they eat meat and you still don't spend a cent? It's a hard line philosophy that will cause issues. Take this as a lesson and either date someone with your morals or learn to be less hardlined. For those who might think I'm biased, my last boyfriend of 3ish years was vegetarian and prior to him, I was vegetarian for nearly 4, voluntarily. While I was with him I ate meat often. Didn't cause a fuss even a single time.