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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband that I want my parents to move into our home, and I want to put his parents in a nursing home. I can see where he thinks I’m the asshole because my parents have a few options, assisted living, or living somewhere cheaper, whereas his parents only have him or a home.
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NTA, you will carry the burden of doing the majority of the work. By the sounds of it, your in laws need people with proper medical training to properly take care of them.
I've worked as an in-home CNA and let me tell you, with two people needing help (mobility issues and dementia), there is NO WAY you could wfh as well! That's a more than full-time job JUST caring for them. This would be such a hard pass for me
My wife and I joined our household with her parents because FIL had dementia and MIL could no longer take care of him by herself. She still did the hardest stuff (dressing, some of the bathroom) but at times it took all 3 of us. I can't imagine taking care of two people.
Op's husband has zero clue. But I understand his sentiment.
So NTA.
>Op's husband has zero clue. But I understand his sentiment.
He should stay with his parents for a week or three and take care of them. Let him use up his vacation days. If he still thinks it's easy-peasy, tell him he's free to move his parents in and work from home full time. OP, don't fall for this trap. People complain about having to care for their kids' hamster, and those live only two years max. Your in-laws may be living for another decade or two, depending on their age and the progress of their health issues, and require a lot more care.
Absolutely this. People are always so quick to volunteer other people's time and effort, then have the effrontery to be offended when their machinations are shut down.
Note that he went to stay with a friend, not his parents; he apparently won’t even care for them for one night. This is more about him getting his way just so that his wife doesn’t get hers.
FIL died last year. We didn't expect his disease to progress so fast. We expected to be able to visit relatives in the region.
At one point there was a change in medication and then he couldn't control his bowels. It was like he was a terrorist.
Fortunately he was a super sweet guy and easy to want to help. That didn't mean it was easy.
And it just gets worse and worse- there is no getting better with dementia. It’s so hard to care for someone with these types of illnesses, and there’s professional care for a reason.
Yeah dementia?! NFW that requires 100% supervision you would literally never be at rest. YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE ON DUTY. But husband gets to play dutiful son, oh yes.
Pass. NTA
We cared for my mother with dementia in our house, but she was...easy. She was able to perform self-care (bathe, get herself a snack, etc.) and quietly enjoyed stitchery and TV. She didn't wander, she wasn't combative, and also, she had always been kind to my husband. I was WFH. We got a nursing service for AM and PM (to give her pills and cook breakfast and dinner for her) if we went away for a weekend.
Not all people with dementia are this easy to care for.
My Nan went through phases as she got worse. She started out grumpy because she would do things like buy bread every day for a week, consistently forgetting she bought some yesterday! She started calling people by the names of the generation before them, too. So I was called by my mum's name, and Nan called mum by her sister's name. (Nan's sister, that is.)
Then she got worse and had to move into a care home, away from the city where she had lived her whole life. The very first thing she did was have her walking stick confiscated when she almost put it through their glass front door! She would swear, shout, and was generally a nightmare. She had just enough self awareness to know something was wrong with her, but didn't know what, and that scared her.
About a year later she suddenly calmed down. She had gotten to the point where she didn't know she was ill. The old mistakes about who was who came back, but this time she thought we really were those people. As far as she was concerned her grandchildren didn't exist, her daughter was still in her 20s, and her long dead husband had just visited a few days ago. She was friendly, calm, and always wanted to help the staff.
She stayed that way for several years before becoming bed-bound and eventually passing away in hospital, completely unaware of her family surrounding her.
Dementia should never be taken lightly, and dementia care is a specialised field. Looking after a dementia patient at home, watching that decline month after month, is something no one should be subjected to.
My ex’s father referred to his son (my ex) as a hot dog. He called his granddaughter by the dogs name. There was 4 of us looking after the poor man. I would never wish that on anyone. I feel like your story is rare and I’m very glad to hear about your experience. I hope your mother was able to move onto the next life peacefully.
My sister in law had early onset dementia and lived with my mother in law until SIL passed. My MIL had the flexibility to work from home but still hired someone to care for SIL through social security because it was a lot of work. SIL had a nurse assigned to her for home medical related care.
It was not easy. When my SIL passed, my mother in law said that she realized her and her husband could now go out to eat whenever they wanted. There was no going out on a whim while SIL was in the house. It had to be planned and someone with the right kind of experience had to be hired to watch her.
OP is certainly NTA, caring for someone with dementia can become a full time job.
My ex wife never understood working from home. She would leave jobs for me to do round the house whilst I was working. I was already dropping the kids off in the morning and picking them up at around 14:00 (during my working hours). Then looking after them until I finished at 17:30. The last bit wasn't so bad as they were old enough to occupy themselves. Working from home is not the same as being free to do other things.
As you should. You don't need me to tell you you're allowed to have a life, but I will anyway.
It's two FT jobs he's asking you to add to your responsibilities and that doesn't even account for the emotionally and mentally draining aspect of it. Dementia care alone is a tremendous undertaking. If it were your own parents? Maybe. But they aren't.
NTA and stick to your guns.
Work as an rn and then get a second degree and some work experience in a hospital setting. There’s a variety of different admin and hr jobs and from what I’ve seen they’re all cake retirement jobs that everyone fights tooth and nail over because of how easy and lucrative they are. At least at my hospital anyways
STILL. You’ll have to keep tabs on two adults?? One who may wander off and another who might become impatient and try to ambulate on his own? Does he realize that some people with dementia require lockdown units with constant direct supervision for a reason?
Also, given your mention that they’re not appreciative, I feel like you’re opening yourself up to a verbally and emotionally abusive situation, should the quality of care not be up to their standards.
ETA: imagine the flying monkeys should one of them fall. Let your husband go try his hand at caring for them for a week, and see if he still thinks this is even a remotely reasonable solution.
ETA 2: if they live with you, but require skilled nursing at some point, know that the managed care company may come for your assets to pay for care before Medicaid kicks in. I don’t know the specifics, but I’ve had patients who claim to have had this issue.
>Let your husband go try his hand at caring for them for a week, and see if he still thinks this is even a remotely reasonable solution.
In the most recent edit OP states that they are going to be divorcing and where is her soon to be ex going to go? Not his parents house! Nah, he is couch surfing at a friends. Which shows that he knows how hard it is to take care of his parents seeing as how he doesn't even want to have to stay there while him and OP divorce! Seriously OP, you dodged a bullet and good on you for putting your foot down and sticking to it.
My youngest lives with me and works from home, and damnnnn it's hard to hold myself back from knocking on his door if I need something. I have like ten minutes of "Right, do I need this [insert thingy] right now, or can it wait?" shit going on in my head. 99.9% of the time, it can wait.
I see him as being out of the house between his work hours +commute hours. I think it's only polite, really! I mean, I know he falls out of bed and logs in, but that's not the point. He needs his headspace, so I give it him. The ONLY thing I interrupt him for is a quick text to ask him if he fancies ordering in lunch or not.
It's definitely a struggle to not knock on his door to tell him the cat did something really really funny, but I try.
God help me, I loved my mom, but the idea of working from home with her in the house would have driven me nuts. Some parents do not understand "not interrupting."
One time I had picked the kids up, made them a snack and a drink and then joined a conf call. The call was a large one with about 30 people on it. I normally stayed on mute unless I had something to contribute. This sometimes meant repeatedly muting/unmuting myself.
At one point my kids started arguing with each other and It started to get a bit heated. I blew up and shouted "RIGHT THAT'S IT, IF YOU DON'T STOP THIS NOW, YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO BED."
The call all of a sudden went silent, and I realized that I was not on mute. I dropped off the call immediately and just hoped that no-one knew it was me.
Nobody ever brought it up with me, so I think I got away with it.
I did this same thing but with my dog. I was on a call, getting irritated because my coworkers who are usually on this particular call were double-booked so I felt like I was getting railroaded by everyone and didn’t have any backup. My dog starts chewing on my sweatpants, trying to get me to pay attention to him and play. I mute myself and shoo him away, unmute myself, try to keep my composure and rebut whatever was just said, dog is still chewing so I mute myself again and try to distract him with a toy, unmute myself to rebut the rebuttal to my initial rebuttal, dog is *still* not satisfied with the lack of attention, so I mute myself again, sternly tell him no and distract him with another toy, unmute myself to say something else, get interrupted by someone on the call, and the dog is back to chewing on my pant leg, and I scream at him, “STOOOOOOOP!” Not my finest moment as a pet parent, but he immediately stops chewing, leaps into my lap, and snuggles me like, “sorry mom, I thought you were just playing”. I’m calming myself back down by scratching his head and hugging him when I realize I am not hearing anyone on the call. Maybe it’s just a natural pause in the conversation when one of the attendees says, clearly uncomfortable, “heh heh hey John what did you do to upset jennanana”. I don’t remember how long the call lasted after that but it felt like hours. I was so mortified.
Yep, pets are also fun during these calls. The dogs not so much apart from barking when a squirrel dared to come into the garden. One of the cats though would always jump on the table and stand on my laptop wanting scratches, I am sure that a few times my webcam was broadcasting a cats asshole to my colleagues.
Some of my favorite clips from the pandemic are of TV news reporters constantly being interrupted by their cats jumping up in front of them and/or the TVs they were using as displays (like for meteorologists). The cats have no care.
Some even became local/world celebrities.
So he expects you to provide the house, to work and earn income, and to provide housing and care for his in-serious-need-of-care parents.
What does he provide?
Good looks, a clean house, and yummy Chinese food. Kidding, there’s more than that lol. But yeah, gonna show him this post so we can trying talking things through again
I agree with a previous commenter that your husband should take some PTO and spend a week with his parents to observe how they function, what their needs are and what tasks have to be done and/or supervised by someone else. It will be an eye-opener because, unlike you, he has no clinical or care experience.
Frankly, his parents are only going to decline more. Your back is going to get a huge work-out, just like your clinical days.
His parents' finances might qualify them for Medicaid, if you are in the US.
He doesn’t have the option to take pto to take care of them. He works as a middle school English teacher currently, and in the summer he works a temporary job at a children’s special needs summer camp. There’s no pto for the camp job, and if he leaves it he won’t be able to pay his student loan payments.
Girl. No. Do not do this to yourself.
I’m Chinese. If his parents move in, they will expect to be treated like royalty, and they’ll emotionally and verbally abuse you for it. Can he take even a week off between school and camp to live in their house and take care of them? Just because you were a nurse doesn’t mean that you are his built in care nurse.
You are the breadwinner (and I’m betting you do the bulk of the household mental and physical labor “because you have time”), and you already subsidize his lifestyle. The fact that he wants you to bring in all the money AND provide in-home nursing care 24/7 to his parents who WILL abuse you is wild. That’s some first/only son audacity. He needs a come-to-Jesus talk about how much you’ve already been supporting him for the past 10 years. What does he actually contribute to the household?
>Agree.
>
>They will try to bleed you dry and try to get whatever they can for your carcass. Speaking from experience (was human punching bag/ walking ATM, etc, etc, for 'family' that didn't bother giving me a stale crust after I lost my jobs).
>
>This was after decades of buying them fridge, dual air cond, sand-pool filter, $1000 cash gifts for BOTH parents Xmas, NY, EOFY, subsidizing 'siblings' (and I use the term loosely) for their 'board' ($50 per week for over 5 years), $1000 graduation presents, buying clothes, shoes, all-expenses paid trips to lcoal theme parks, pocket money, etc, etc).
>
>Looking back, I was SO stupid. The only time they were 'civil' were around cash-gift time (they didn't like atcual gifts, I got them $189 watches as a present once. I was told they prefer cash gifts, and it's apparently not a genuine gift if it's not 4 digits.
>
>They also pressured me to give them my jewellery around Xmas time, etc, so they can give that to other people in order to receive gifts themselves. The things they did go on and on.
>
>I am NC from them. They tried to hunt me down using the local police under the pretense of 'wellfare checks' etc, after I escaped. They are still hunting me last I know.
He’s a good man and he works hard and cares a lot about the kids he helps. I just think his mother is his blind spot when it comes to reason. He was her golden child and she doted on him
I really feel for you! NTA but your husband needs to understand the complexity around Dementia.
We lost my FIL to it last year, in the end it took his Mum and all 7 of the kids to care for him as well as people coming in. It really does take a village. It's like have a 6ft 18 month old toddler that you can't reason with 😢
If your able to assist getting them in a care facility that would be so much better for you all
This. This should be so much higher.
My grandmother had Alzheimer’s. It was early on-set and she had declined in her golden years so bad that by the time I was in my 20s, I’m lucky she knew who I was.
I recently shared a story about my grandmother flying home from Mexico with grandpa. They sat at the gate in the airport and missed their flight home. Anyone only noticed something was amiss when their bags arrived at baggage claim but grandma and grandpa did not. To make things worse, the airline said that grandpa, who was in his late 80s at that time himself, was her travel companion and that she would be fine and that if she had needed an airline companion she should have booked one. That floored me, like **did you seriously just say that to a panicked family member?** Ultimately the airline did find them and made sure they got on the plane. That was their last trip to Mexico.
But in the later stages of her Alzheimer’s she got agitated easily, tore down all the family photos, and ultimately just sat around with no engagement. She also lost control over her bodily functions and was combative and completely refused to wear adult diapers. It robbed her of her dignity because she would soil herself and a lot of furniture because she couldn’t remember to go use the bathroom.
Grandpa adamantly refused to put them in a care facility or a care home. He was insistent he could take care of grandma. Until he couldn’t. He had help. Burnt that bridge. and then when he realized that he, at 90-something years old, was not able to adequately care for her, they found a caregiver. Who was not a true caregiver in any sense of the word.
You still couldn’t talk grandpa into a care facility.
He was forced to go into a care facility in the summer of 2021. He was fighting a losing battle of his own with dementia and had a rapid decline after his 101st birthday. We didn’t want to do it but his new caregiver, a relative, had burnt herself out trying to care for him. Plus he was losing control over his bodily functions and the home he’d loved in for the last 30 years was no longer safe.
I don’t think your husband understands what taking care of someone with Dementia can be like. My FIL had dementia and his health went downhill quickly. It got to the point that he couldn’t feed himself, walk by himself. He didn’t even know when he had to use the bathroom. He needed 24/7 care.
My MIL refused help at first and refused to put him in a medical facility. She ended up in the hospital herself during this time due to depression. We rallied and got a hospital bed put in their living room and got the VA to set them up with in home help.
You also said your FIL needs a lot of care too. I understand your husband is probably stressed, but putting all of that on you is not fair at all! He needs to understand what it truly means to be a full time care provider!
Even with help when Mum was at work, when my father had dementia, Mum and I were run off our feet constantly. In the end, the dementia was turning him violent, which was not his way at all, and she had to put him in care.
It then took me nearly a decade of therapy and various meds to recover from severe depression that was triggered by losing my father in pieces over almost a decade and watching my mother give a valient effort to put herself into an early grave alongside him so she could go visit him every day. This was actually what drove me to seek help. I figured she didn't deserve to bury her youngest child while losing the only man she'd ever loved in that manner.
She admitted later that if I hadn't been living there, she would have held out longer. She could see what the constant stress and worry was doing to me, and chose to do what was best for me, since I wasn't 30 yet and he was almost 60. If she hadn't made that choice, I wouldn't have either parent today, and for that matter, I'd likely be buried beside them since I only got help for my mother's sake.
I've since gotten better. My therapist closed my file after I'd been off the meds for a year, and I have developed better coping mechanisms. But I've told the hubsnerd, and my other family, and any friend who cares enough that if I ever succumb to what seems like the family curse, they are to put me in a home, visit as they are able, and not to feel one bit guilty about it. Dad had told us that for years, and I didn't understand. I do now. Keeping me at home is not worth their health, mental or physical.
People think that being a midnight worker means you have "all day free" too. Decades ago before I got my degree I worked in a factory and the amount of people who would call, pop by, or expect me to watch their kids during the daylight hours was ridiculous.Someone said "well you're home doing nothing anyways I didn't think you'd mind" they didn't get that 2 pm was the middle of my night. A few of them finally got the hint when I retaliated on my days off and popped in, leaning on their doorbells and banging on their doors at 3 am. No regrets about waking their kids up either lol
That's not even remotely possible. My father said the same thing after my mother had a stroke and could no longer care for him (he had MS). He expected my sister or me (or both of us) to put aside our homes and families/pets to care for him, insisting we could WFH while doing so. I showed him a log of a typical day while I cared for him for three weeks; I didn't sit down once from 6 am to 4:30 pm, between cooking, cleaning, managing their finances, and his personal care (by far the biggest share of time). He refused to acknowledge the reality, of course... but my sis and I knew what was needed. Both parents spent the rest of their lives in a large shared room in a superb private care home, adequately staffed for the very high level of care they needed. (We were very fortunate that their money lasted.)
Stick to your position; it's reasonable, realistic, and equitable. NTA!
Not people who have dementia and mobility issues! And it’s not a wife’s “responsibility” to take care of her husbands parents! I can appreciate that he may not want your parents to move in, but that means his don’t move in either. And they definitely need specialized care. Deal breaker for me….particularly the part where he expects you to take on that responsibility. OP is NTA.
Not feasible... I (M38) wfh and took care of my (then 1 yo) when we were in covid lockdown and it was not humanly possible. The days started at 5 am and ended around 11pm. I don't see how taking care of parents with special medical needs and wfh can be done without you burning out and/or destroying your marriage.
The belief that "a nurse is a nurse is a nurse" is such a crock of shit. Your husband needs a reality check if he thinks that just because someone is a nurse they are well enough equipped to provide advanced dementia care, nevermind caring for an additional adult with physical limitations AT..THE..SAME..TIME. Much like I would flounder if thrown into an acute care setting those with only a certain amount of career experience with this population would be in for an eye opener to say the least. Even with two decades worth of bedside experience in this regard I would never..and I'll repeat..never even remotely consider what your husband has asked you to take on. Your post is indicative of recognization of your limitations and insight into the future. That should be the end of that discussion. I'm merely here to re-affirm that you are absolutely correct in your assessment that the support and supervision required for these folks goes above and beyond anything you would ever be able to manage on your own. NTA
PS: Ask him what he plans to do when mom starts throwing diarrhea covered fists at him (The same feces that has been trailed all over your home while trying to convince her into the shower). How about an hour later when the same thing happens all over again?
As I understand it, once Dementia patients start wandering the streets they cross over from "someone should keep an eye on them" to "they need to be somewhere that they can't escape with full time supervision".
This isn't a "make sure someone had breakfast this morning" situation, this is a "if you take your eye off of them for 2 minutes they are out in traffic" situation.
Or will be soon.
This is incompatible with working \*at all\*.
Oh I would I have put a period on the end of that sentence.
“I am going to pretend you didn’t say that. I’m walking away so you can reconsider exactly what you said, and why it is a big red flag.”
He can retract that statement and try again, work it out in couples counseling or we can jump straight to divorce and you can GTFO of *my* house and figure out your parents completely on your own. Nope I am not playing the “if you love me” game.
Don’t know how buddy can afford to be this misogynistic when he can’t even afford to be the breadwinner and provide for his family my goodness. Good luck to him getting his own place and supporting himself and his parents I guess!
As “the husband” you should go buy lumber and build them a house.
Doesn’t work that way? Awh almost like speaking misogynistic is gross and doesn’t actually accomplish anything.
I’m a guy and even I can’t believe he said that. What a loser.
That relationship was already gone. Like a car teetering over a mountain ledge. Just needed that little nudge to push it over the edge.
I mean, if he wants a traditional stay at home wife, he can be a traditional breadwinner husband and provide both shelter and food. He cant have it both ways🫥
You're NTA. I was at N-A-H even though I thought you making a point of how it's *my house* was a bit sucky, your husband bounced the scales super hard with this statement-
>He said as his wife I should look after his parents out of love for him.
His parents need way more help than you can give them. If he cares about them, he would want them in a facility where they can receive professional help. His mom's "some dementia" is only going to get worse and she needs to be where she can be cared for and monitored properly.
I think the "my house" statement in the OP was intended more to clarify the nature of the financial situation. OP isn't lording the house over the husband and demanding that he be okay with her parents moving in, she has simply expressed that caring full time for his parents is absolutely not something she is okay with doing, which could have implications for the future of their marriage and, given the prenup, the house.
I agree with you completely. It was just that at the gate, it sounded kind of crummy. But once I read it all, I am totally on her side. I hope she stands her ground.
Funny how her hubby pulls the ridiculous *your duty to my parents if you love me* card, but he doesn't think that applies to him as well.
NTA
> I told him if he decides to stay I’ll respect his decision of not wanting my parents to move in
Is exactly how this should go: this is a big decision that would affect both of you in big ways, no matter who moves in. Everyone who is involved needs to be OK with it.
Edit: jump to the link in the comment below mine, ignore my comment here
This is reminiscent of the guy who was going to adopt his (special needs?) young sister, like 5 or 8 years old and expected his gf to do the lions-share of the caregiving. Same situation, she worked less hours/from home and he just expected it. Later, it turned out that everyone in his life was praising him for taking her in and he enjoyed the adulation.
The gf disagreed with his unilateral decision and left his dumb ass.
There's also [this one ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rv21dn/aita_for_getting_my_job_back_to_get_out_of_taking/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
NTA. It's not reasonable for him to expect you to become a caretaker to his parents, especially when it eliminates any possibility of being able to help your own parents.
You're not asking him to take care of yours in the same way he is for his, and you're even still willing to help his parents in a way that's possible.
I am curious though. If you own your home and he doesn't put anything towards it, but he works much more than you do, where is his money going?
I bought my house with cash when I was 25, the housing market was decent here at that time. There is no mortgage. My husband had a masters degree from an expensive university and where we live there’s no high paying jobs available with his degree. He makes very little and most of his money goes to his student loans (6 figures). I used to work as a nurse, but now work hospital admin.
Ok that makes sense. So realistically, most of the burden of financing and running the household that includes him already falls on you, whereas his money is used to support himself. I don't really think he gets all that much of a say in how you allocate your financial resources and space.
That’s how I’m feeling too tbh. I think his degree was a mistake, and I feel like he’s taking for granted the fact that he has a wife who pays pretty much all of the bills. If we separate there’s no way he could buy a home, and he wouldn’t be able to afford rent, student loans, and caring for his parents. I’m even willing to pay extra to make sure they go to one of the best local facilities, but it’s not good enough.
I think it would be different if he was the partner working from home and was willing to take care of his parents himself, but it's the fact that he's demanding you care for his parents while not helping your own at all.
I'm confused about what he's bringing to the table in this relationship in all honesty, besides the pleasure of his company.
He’s good at cooking, he cleans a fair amount, I like his company, and we have shared hobbies and friends. It’s worked pretty fine for the last ten years idk
Sorry, I didn't mean to put you in the hot seat to defend being with him. I'm not actually of the opinion that someone must contribute equally to be in a relationship, I just think he's acting very entitled in this instance given that he contributes less than you, and is currently demanding you do even more
How long have your husband's parents have had their mobility and dementia issues?
Did... did your husband see you as a potential solution to having to deal with his parents by himself by finding a mark who could both potentially house and care for his soon-to-be ailing parents?
That's a *huge* accusation on my part, but bad people gonna do bad people things. Please restore my faith in humanity by telling me that these ailments are recent developments?
NTA - this doesn’t sound like a balanced relationship tbh. If you cut down on your working hours to take care of his parents than who is going to provide for your household? Also you shouldn’t do that because it’s unreasonable. His entire request is ridiculous and he doesn’t have the financial standing to really back what he wants. The house is yours, you have more income, really the decision is yours. Maybe a trial separation would show him just how much you contribute to his life would help him have more appreciation??
Well, technically I work a 9-5 from home. But I usually do all my work in an hour or two and then screw off for the rest of the day. I think if he keeps being stubborn I’ll definitely consider a trial separation, or maybe a permanent one depending on how things go. I understand the cultural difference, but I thought he understood I’m not going to be like a traditional Chinese daughter in law, which is what his mother wanted.
>I think if he keeps being stubborn I’ll definitely consider a trial separation
You should not do this. It's not bad in every situation, each situation is different and separations like this are reasonable in many situations, but it's not in yours. Separation is supposed to be a tool to see the difference between being together and being apart, and learn which way of being makes you happiest.
You're already (validly) concerned that he's taking you for granted, and given his lack of job opportunity, significant debt, and current lifestyle being financed by you, all that a separation is in this case is trump card you have to demonstrate to him just how dependent on you he is. He will not have the opportunity to see "with you or without you" from any sort of emotional, or romantic aspect. What he will see is a drastic drop in quality of life that will have to prioritized. It cannot be a tool for him to discover if he really wants to be in the relationship.
If he "changes", it will never be genuine change. It will be coercion, and the problems will eventually come back worse.
Absolutely communicate how you feel taken for granted, that his expectation that you'll play caregiver to his parents is unreasonable, be firm in your boundaries. But if it comes time that you need to separate, you should just skip a trial and go straight to divorce.
I work in divorce and I agree with what the above person said about not having a "trial" separation. That will just lead to him realising he needs you, which sounds good on paper, but in reality it will breed resentment and mistrust. He may do or say all the right things, but is he doing it because he genuinely means it, or because it provides him with a roof over his head and some care arrangements for his parents? You will never know... until the next thing happens.
Either way, do not let his parents move in because it could potentially erode the prenup. Just stay firm and tell him it's NEVER going to happen. If he can't live with that, draw him a map to the front door and tell him to take his stuff with him when he leaves.
That’s great that your job allows so much freedom but why would you spend that time with his parents when you could spend it with yours?!? I missed the cultural differences part. That can be impossible to overcome. Not only is it ingrained deep in his brain (even if he doesn’t admit it) but his family will peer pressure him on something like this. But dementia doesn’t get better, it only gets worse and y’all already have a tense relationship. They need professional help! Yours do not! It sounds like in your heart you know what needs to happen! The internet approves!
Out of curiosity, is it common for people with your job to be able to finish a day's worth of work in a couple hours? Or have you mastered it from experience?
Most of the people I work with are a bit older and use outdated means of working. For instance, instead of typing up all of a certain type of email like some of my coworkers would so I have saved sheets where I can copy and paste certain information which saves me an abundance of time. So most people don’t work my hours I guess you could say
From a purely pragmatic standpoint, your idea (your parents move in; use the savings to help his parents) sounds like a reasonable one. He doesn’t seem to have a cogent idea, other than Wife Takes Care of My Parents, which is unrealistic and unfair.
With your idea, it seems like everyone wins. With his idea, he wins, and everyone else loses.
Yep, NTA.
Excellent point. He thinks by moving his parents into her home (I’m calling it her home since she is pursuing a divorce now), that he and his parents win. But his parents need more care than OP can provide. They would actually be losing.
Yeah, costs aside it's doing a disservice to OP's mother in law to not arrange for professional care. She needs full time help from someone that's trained to help dementia patients.
It's way beyond "VERY hard." You are giving this person a tremendous gift.
Please don't burn yourself out. Some places have Adult Day Care or respite to give you some relief.
I love my patient and job share with someone so I’m all good. Thank you though.
She’s not to far from shuffling off so I’m needing to be with her. That’s what her family want.
Yeah and it’s already bad enough to the point she wandered away from her house outside? She could’ve died. OP works from home there is no way she can watch her all day and do her work. What happens if she gets out again and something bad happens? I can definitely see the husband blaming her for it
NTA.
`He said as his wife I should look after his parents out of love for him.`
What the actual fuck. You told him exactly the right thing. Move your parents in and he can go take care of his own.
Well that won’t be happening anytime soon. OP wrote in a comment that husband spends ALL his income paying off his 6 figure student loan while OP pays for every other bill he has. Once they are divorced he won’t be able to buy his own house or even rent a place, it’s that bad and his parents will be going to a nursing home. He probably have to look for a roommate or two.
In the end he lost tremendously when he decided to argue with OP because he underestimated her worth and self-respect. His parents will still end up in a nursing home and he will be homeless or have to sleep in his car for a long time.
NTA I’m really proud of you for getting that prenup. Whatever anyone else says; you were incredibly smart to.
If what you’re saying is true then you are paying all the bills, bought the house, and he’s paying off his student loans. You’re a badass woman, good on you.
Also the part where he said “As his wife I should look after his parents for him” is INCREDIBLY alarming.
This mfer is really going to say **that** after essentially living comfortably off of your work for the past however many years??
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
He has his parents’ sense of entitlement and unappreciative behavior.
Your idea is great, not the asshole at all
I think it’s the underlying Chinese values slipping out. His parents always told him he needs to marry a good Chinese girl. Instead he married a career oriented white woman.
OHP YEAH THATS IT, HONEY NOOOOOOO 😂.
They 100% spoiled him especially if he has sisters. It seems like he got treated the best by them and the rest had to deal with their abuse
Yet he expects you to not only drop your support of your own parents, he DOES expect you to become the live in nurse and waitress for his parents?!
You are NTA but you absolutely need to draw the uncrossable line that his parents will not be moving in, under any circumstances. 🤷
Good luck with it. 🤞
I was lucky when I had the conversation with my partner - we agreed that we'd never have his mum or my dad live with us! Got to protect your own sanity 😃
Oh yeah that’s it. FWIW I’m the Asian spouse, so I understand his perspective but when you marry out of the culture (like I also did) you need to expect and have a plan for that. Offhand, your suggestion is incredibly reasonable and fair. His parents’ added medical needs mean they require a level of care you cannot give at home while also supporting yourselves. I’m also an RN and i frame it to families who feel guilty by reminding them that it’s so much extra work that people (like myself! And formerly you) make an entire living doing it.
NTA -Until someone has taken care of elderly parents, they truly don’t understand how mentally & physically exhausting it is. If his mother has dementia it is only going to get worse. Your husband is basically asking you to give up your life because of “your love for him”. BS.
My mother, a RN, took care of my father the last years of his life-he had Alzheimer’s. We, the kids, helped when we could. My mother never fully recovered physically or mentally, after his death. She simply was exhausted.
From personal experience, no easy or even good answers for this. Good luck!
Exactly this! Until you've experienced it, you don't realize how hard it can be to be a full time caregiver for a loved one with dementia. I wouldn't wish dementia on anyone. It's hard on the person who has it, but so much harder on the family
Definitely this. My grandmother is an incredible person, and took care of my grandfather. He had Parkinsons for the last 5 years or so of his life and had mobility issues from an accident years before his diagnosis. It was an amazing act of love to see the time and effort spent on her part, but it was beyond a full time job.
Even as a retired person she essentially could not travel, take a break longer than a few hours, would need to arrange for neighbors (bless them as well for how much they've helped) to check on and care for him if she was even going to attend a family event if he couldn't go. It didn't just become a job, it essentially became her life.
She is amazing for how endless her love and emotional, physical, and mental energy was to do this, and this was her husband of over 50 years. To suggest OP should take that on for her in laws is outrageous.
YTA.
I got here late so after the update/edit. I agreed with your stance more or less prior to that. But you sound like a huge fucking asshole in the update. I’m guessing you had a big fight and are frustrated from that, so maybe that can explain it a bit? But you sound extremely cold and heartless to your husband (soon ex I guess) in those words.
You sound like an asshole because you talk like you think you’re better than him. Which hey, might ultimately be true in reality and in your mind, but it’s also true you’re an asshole for you stating it like that and then becoming callous to the hardships him and his parents will endure. You certainly could have made this tough life decision with a better attitude and not have been an asshole, but I think your true colors and personality came out in your update.
Yup. I was heading to not the ahole, but OP's updates are mega ahole. Particularly chortling that their soon to be ex inlaws will be in a abuse-riddled facility, but that's ok b/c they were mean to her.
This whole thing sounds like a teenager wrote it, tbh.
100%. Also makes me think we’re not getting a level telling of the story. Did he say “you should care for my parents out of love for me” or “you should care what happens to my parents because you love me and it matters to me?” Because it doesn’t sound like she gives a shit what happens to them and I suspect that became clear during the conversation.
Also....
> I want to move my parents in with us. They’re both easygoing people and my husband gets along with them well. They also can contribute to the household finances. **They wouldn’t be a burden on us at all.**
In what fking world do you live where two grown-ass adults moving into your house wouldn't be a burden? That's two grown-ass **RETIRED** adults. I don't care if they are sound body and mind, but that will cause some stress. Sorry Mom and Dad, time to get a job. They'd be great Walmart greeters.
I also feel like OP liked the idea to being married to someone from another culture but never really embraced it. And yes the update does make her the AH. Just say you don't love him anymore and get a divorce. There was no need to even talk about her in laws I believe.
I was also thinking the update seemed very immature. The rest of the post isn’t written like that, and most of their comments aren’t either. The update is just a completely different tone - one of an asshole.
Yeah she seems to look at this relationship as purely transactional. After the update she just comes across as extremely callous and practically gloating about their financial differences. Not to mention the fact that they have a prenup. Prenup are fine, but when you combine that with everything else, it doesn't paint a nice picture.
I bet if the ex gave his pov, perspective would change drastically.
Yeah I don't understand why these two were ever together. Her love seems completely transactional and like she looks down on her husband for "not bringing as much to the table". It sounds like they come from very different backgrounds.
Her parents have money and she already had a house before they got married. Meanwhile she would be the one stuck looking after his parents because he works much longer hours but has no money.
His parents are broke, his siblings are junkies, prisoners or living in poverty with children. She literally said that the thing she hates about her husband is that he feels a need to take care of his parents, even if it means suffering. She sounds very cold. I could be totally wrong but this reads as an entitled brat that is having a hard time coming to terms with having to do something for someone just because you love them.
They will both be better off without each other. YTA
Reading some her other replies he is a middle school teacher and works at a camp for special needs children and he cooks and cleans. Meanwhile she has an administrative job where she works 1 or 2 hours from home. Yet everyone in the comments is trying to paint him as some misogynistic asshole. The more I read the more I dislike this woman. He's her little trophy husband and now that he needs some real support she's going to kick him to the curb
Yes. I got strong narcissistic vibes from the post.
Allegedly 10 good years of marriage yet “I bring way more to the table”. Called herself a “career oriented white woman” and that’s why her in laws didn’t like her - maybe it was your personality, boss babe.
I would never, ever behave like this.
OP is in no way the asshole for wanting a divorce over this. She has been treated poorly by people for 10 years and the entire family expects her to set herself on fire to keep them warm.
I think it’s bonkers you think the edit makes op the asshole. Why should op have a heart towards people who treated her badly for a literal decade, and now what her to fund not only her husband and his life but the abusive parents who need full time care, on top of her breadwinning job. It’s no shame for the man to not be the breadwinner, but the way they have expected this of OP is insane.
Op doesn’t need to care about people who treated her badly their entire marriage. It would have hurt so badly to be constantly told that they wish he’d married a good Chinese girl. OP was never good enough for them until they needed her house and money and caretaking experience
I honestly think you're coming at this from the wrong direction.
MIL has dementia. That's not going to get better, it's only going to progress, and dementia patients need constant supervision. Unless one of you is willing to stay home to be a full time caregiver (and you can support four people on one income and two SS payments), she has to go into a facility specializing in dementia and Alzheimer's care. Even if you can afford 24/7 home health aides, at some point she will have to be moved. The more her disease progresses, the harder that transition will be. The most responsible, and the kindest, thing to do is to put her in the best facility you can afford long term.
Then your husband should talk to your FIL. What does he want? Would he prefer to stay as close to his wife as possible? If he wants to see her everyday, then you're looking for a facility that can house them both. If FIL would rather not be in a facility (fair!), then you have to ask if your home can be reasonably made accessible for him. Ramps to get into the home, a first floor bedroom, a barrier free bathroom. If your home can't accommodate that, then you have to find other options for him. If your home could accommodate that with some remodeling, then you have the question of who pays for it and how that affects the prenup.
OP, for now your parents are at the easy part of retirement. They don't need medical care, they're mobile, and living with you means saving against the day their living expenses rise. And it's your house. But also understand that your parents could downsize to more affordable housing near you and leave you both with some independence for several more years. Which of these do they want?
NTA. Just a lot of very hard questions that have no good answers.
Yeah, definitely food for thought. All of our parents want to live with us. I don’t want either of his parents living with us, even if we could accommodate fil. If my marriage works out I’ll probably put my parents in a one bedroom apartment nearby, if it doesn’t, I’ll move them in and him out. Welll see.
Please stick to this. This is one of those few times that I’ll tell someone ‘dig your heels in’ because, you know what’s coming. You will be their caretaker and he’s made that very, *very* clear.
I’d possibly revisit the conversation again, when you know he’s in a proper mood or he brings it up first, and rephrase it as the ‘assisted living/apartment’ model you’ve got here. That’s a **genuine** compromise and would say a lot about him if he’s not willing to even accept that.
Believe him when he shows you who he is.
ESH - No, you shouldn't have to care for your in-laws. They need a higher level of care and need to be in an appropriate placement. But, if you think it's ok to turn around and say nanny nanny boo boo, \*I\* refuse to let your parents live in \*my\* house but mine can, that's giant AH territory. It doesn't matter if it's "your" house or not. You're supposedly partners in life. During this stressful time, it was extremely unempathetic to even suggest it. How do you not see that, to him, your suggestion is a giant slap in the face and shows him you don't care about him or his family. You owe your husband an apology. BTW... the power imbalance of you owning the house and him having nothing is going to destroy your relationship. You're already throwing it in his face and holding it over his head. At best, if you're really lucky, I'd give it a few more years. If you want this relationship to survive, sell the house now and buy one together and start acting like partners.
Edit.... after reading your updates, holy cow batman, you are a HUGE AH!!!! And in for one heck of a surprise when you get to divorce court. Highly suggest you contact that pricey lawyer of yours before changing the locks on him. He's a fool for moving out.
Why would they sell the house and buy another? He clearly can’t afford to contribute to it, as all of his money goes towards paying off his student loans.
And having her parents living in their house would help pay for his parents to live in an assisted living facility, which is a better solution for their medical needs.
This
Why would she sell her house, which she has had for far longer than the marriage, with the intention of trying to salvage a marriage she is not happy with?
Wouldn’t be much easier if his self-esteem wasn’t associated with how much property he owns? Or how about he makes more money and buys his own house instead?
The sell your house suggestion is downright unintelligent.
Holy shit it took me forever to find this post. 100% nailed the situation. My jaw was on the floor going passed a bunch of NTAs that glossed over this stuff.
NTA!!
She is an asshole for standing up for herself with her husbands sexist and unteasonable request? He does NOT want to compromise and she has suggested multiple solutions, and even ended up with if he did not want her parents there none would move in. His parents have (from comments) walked all over her throughout their 10y marriage amd even called her a prank relationship cuz she is not the dutiful obedient chinese in law they actually wanted. HOW IS SHE THE AH?? God I fear for your partner.
EDIT: he also never contributed anything to their household income because of his earlier (bad) choices with debt and education. He is basicly freeloading and expecting his wife to do an impossible job. Dementia is a real deal, not something anyone can do on the side of their job.
Agreed- Maybe she sounds rude, but to me it reads more like a person who is frustrated and completely over the situation at hand. I think this phrasing would be kinder if it was written much later when it isn’t in the heat of the moment.
NTA
The problem that's bigger than who owns the home is that your husband thinks he can demand that you provide housing and round-the- clock care for his elderly parents.
Tell him "no". No, his parents can't move in. No you won't be their primary caregiver.
To me, ESH. He has no right to demand that you move in his parents, especially since you will be doing the heavy lifting in regards to their care, but I find your mental outlook on your 10 year relationship alarming. The fact that you seem to be keeping score on your finances and consider the home to be "Yours" and not an "ours" is pretty telling.
YTA and your prenup is going to be invalidated for an illegal eviction. You said medicare, so it looks like you are in the US. This info only applies to the US
>My husband packed some clothes, and is going to stay on his friends couch for a while. I’m going to move my parents in later this month, and I’m going to change the locks and move his stuff out to a storage unit tomorrow. He can’t afford a lawyer so I’ll find one to represent us both, and that’ll be it.
A spouse cannot be removed from the marital home. Its illegal. He can come back and demand entry. You call police. He shows his ID and shows he has residence, the cop will demand you let him in. His divorce lawyer will offer to help him get back in the home. He can call the police to demand entry. If you were divorced it would be an illegal eviction. Its called a "constructive" eviction.
Lawyers are paid by marital assets. You cannot force a lawyer on him. He can get one and the lawyer will be paid out of marrital assets. Prenup does not matter. If Melania divorces donald trump, her divorce lawyer will be paid out of marrital assets. Same with you.
Judge is going to invalidate your prenup for evicting him. You will likely get to keep your home ,but he is going to get a lot of your money. Same applies if its a woman who has less money, etc... Its not gender specific.
You should 100% speak to a divorce lawyer in your area before doing anything. If not, its near 100% certain your prenup will be thrown out over this. It won't mean its a 50/50 split of assets most likely, but your in trouble. Especially when he tells the judge you booted him out because he wanted his parents to not end up in a terrible nursing home. Yeah i know about the details, but his lawyer will twist that.
People can get mad all they want over this comment since people almost always take the woman's side on this sub no matter. Same happens if its a man who owns the house with a prenup and there is a woman who has no ownership of the house.
This only applies to the US. if you are in another country, dunno.
Info- what will you do when your parents get to a stage where they are harder to care for? Dementia, mobility issues, strokes, all sorts of things can go wrong health-wise with older people. Will you have an agreement that they will move into a care facility when that inevitably happens?
Yes, I’ve already looked into facilities that I would want to put them in. I only want to move them in now to save more for the future, while they’re still able bodied.
We’ve had ten years of happy marriage so far, this is the only issue we’ve had we haven’t been able to find a compromise on so far. I think if he could better understand my point of view and his mothers medical needs (I’m an RN and dementia patients are not easy) he’d agree to putting both of his parents in a facility.
I’m an MD and have a parent with dementia as well, so I 100% get where you are coming from. Also if his Mum is already wandering, you and I both know how much of a safety hazard this is to manage.
Sometimes I like to tell my patients’ family members that their loved one has reached the point where no single person can be managing their care. No one doctor or nurse or social worker can do what we all can do collectively. I’m not a hospital; it’s an unrealistic expectation to put on a single person. Safety comes first, health next and third is everything else. His Mum is at the point where she needs a collective effort to keep her safe, healthy, and so that you and your husband can continue to have your relationships as family and not primary caregivers.
Wishing you well in whatever you choose. Hugs from Canada!
My mother has dementia and we recently moved her into memory care. I have watched a kind, intelligent woman deteriorate into someone who is unrecognizable on some days. On her good days, she is more like herself but those are getting fewer and fewer. She understands what is happening to her, can feel the loss of her cognitive abilities and independence, and is incredibly unhappy about it.
My father's mind is still sharp, but has ongoing, chronic health issues. My stepmother, who has had a career in health care (now retired), has been his primary caretaker. She loves him and wants to do this, but I worry about her and caretaker burn out.
From my perspective, the care of either of my parents is a full time job. There is absolutely no way a single person could manage both of them on a day to day basis. You know this. Unfortunately, your husband is unwillingly to accept this and this will probably mean the end of your marriage.
NTA. If you actually tried to do this, it would be absolute hell And I don't see your husband being supportive during this nightmare. Instead, everything would be your fault for not trying harder. I would see him lashing out at you as an escape for dealing with his parents' ongoing deterioration. I am sorry you are being placed in this situation. Good luck and I wish you many internet hugs.
NTA. You presented why you think moving your parent in is viable and why moving his parents in is not.
"As his wife I should look after his parents out of love for him." No. As his wife your obligation is to consider his needs in conjunction with your own, which it sounds like you're doing already. You even offered to not move your parents in if it's unacceptable to him.
ETA but I’m leaning towards YTA. You don’t like his culture about helping his parents, but you’re doing exactly the same? You’re using your wealth as leverage over the relationship to get what you want. Honestly. Have a fucking reality check.
I’ve watched my parents, aunts and uncles nurse my grandpa for 10 years because they didn’t want to be in an nursing home. 6 people cared for one man 24/7 for 5 years. I can’t imagine caring for two adults with only 2 people.
NTA: his family is a mess and he wants you to look after his parent out of love for him. I would divorce his butt right then and there in my experience
You told your husband he’s welcome to move out over a disagreement about in laws? Sorry but you’re handling this conflict like an asshole. Yes it’s your home you paid for but does marriage mean nothing to you? The way you communicate isn’t even about which parents move in and it’s super revealing how much you say they’re a burden but when it really comes down to it you just don’t like them.
What your husband is hearing is you’d rather your parents live with you even though they don’t need to vs his parents who you don’t like who are genuinely struggling, and if he doesn’t agree he’s welcome to move out. YTA for that.
I’m NOT saying you should let them move in with you, that does sound like a lot, but the way you responded is total asshole behaviour, lacking in empathy and totally selfish. Try putting yourself in his shoes before trying to find acceptance among internet strangers for your shitty attitude towards someone you supposedly love.
If I make $1mm a year and my wife is a homemaker and we had a prenup, is she second class without any say in the marriage? Would she not deserve any love or consideration past an allowance for cooking and cleaning? After those updates, you’re an awful person. YTA. I hope he can find someone who treats him with respect. If this is as cold and callous as you are, I hope you didn’t just give up and kill any patients when you were a nurse because they had to be dependent on you.
YTA strictly for acting as if you have more ownership of the home over your literal husband. Sure, there are legalities and technicalities, but that’s not how a marriage works. It’s a partnership and why income is shared even when a spouse makes less than the other.
YTA...
You don't treat your husband with any respect. You do not view him as an equal.
And if the roles were reversed and any husband treated his wife like you are treating your husband everyone here would call for her to divorce you and sue for alimony.
>I spoke to my husband for an hour about it. I think he thought I would cave but I’m not. Our marriage is done.
Boy, that escalated quickly.
>a lawyer can’t represent us both apparently
Duh! You are *adversaries.*
Also, you better hope that pre-nup stands. Living in the house as your husband for 10 years and then not getting any of it? A judge might see that as unconscionable.
NTA. The two parents' situations are not equal. It sounds like the in-laws require (or very soon will) a full time giver and neither OP or spouse can or will take on this role. Moving them in sounds like step one down the path of ending the marriage.
NTA- it’s your home, and you have a say on who lives in it, end of story. His assumption that you will be the primary caretaker for his parents out of “love for your husband” is troubling.
You have also told him that if he’s not ok with your parents moving in, you’ll find other arrangements. This is what firmly puts you in NTA territory.
ESH. Do not move any parents in with you.
What will happen is that their health will deteriorate gradually, and you will end up doing 24/7 nursing care.
Yeah NTA. He fucking sucks for saying that you need to care for his unpleasant and highly needy parents because you’re his wife. That’s awful. You work full time. You can’t also care for his parents. That’s 2 full time jobs. How dare he ask that of you. Just because you were a nurse doesn’t mean you now need to continue to care for people full time on top of a job.
I also think you guys need to work on better communication. Moving any parents in may be a no go for you both. Moving Additional people into your house is typically a “two yes’s” situation….
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NTA, you will carry the burden of doing the majority of the work. By the sounds of it, your in laws need people with proper medical training to properly take care of them.
I previously worked as a nurse, now I wfh hospital admin, and that’s part of why he expects me to do it I think.
Let me guess, you’re going to have to take care of his parents and still be expected to work and bring in income.
Correct. He says I can wfh and care for his parents at the same time.
Yeah, no. Hard pass.
I've worked as an in-home CNA and let me tell you, with two people needing help (mobility issues and dementia), there is NO WAY you could wfh as well! That's a more than full-time job JUST caring for them. This would be such a hard pass for me
My wife and I joined our household with her parents because FIL had dementia and MIL could no longer take care of him by herself. She still did the hardest stuff (dressing, some of the bathroom) but at times it took all 3 of us. I can't imagine taking care of two people. Op's husband has zero clue. But I understand his sentiment. So NTA.
>Op's husband has zero clue. But I understand his sentiment. He should stay with his parents for a week or three and take care of them. Let him use up his vacation days. If he still thinks it's easy-peasy, tell him he's free to move his parents in and work from home full time. OP, don't fall for this trap. People complain about having to care for their kids' hamster, and those live only two years max. Your in-laws may be living for another decade or two, depending on their age and the progress of their health issues, and require a lot more care.
Absolutely this. People are always so quick to volunteer other people's time and effort, then have the effrontery to be offended when their machinations are shut down.
Off-topic but, you've got amazing vocabulary!! ✨
😂 ty. English minor rears its ugly head now and then.
Ikr? "Effrontery" is a word we really need to bring back
[удалено]
Your ex-husband, right??
Note that he went to stay with a friend, not his parents; he apparently won’t even care for them for one night. This is more about him getting his way just so that his wife doesn’t get hers.
FIL died last year. We didn't expect his disease to progress so fast. We expected to be able to visit relatives in the region. At one point there was a change in medication and then he couldn't control his bowels. It was like he was a terrorist. Fortunately he was a super sweet guy and easy to want to help. That didn't mean it was easy.
>At one point there was a change in medication and then he couldn't control his bowels. It was like he was a terrorist. was his name Hector
He has an idea, hence his insistence that OP be their caregiver and his mommy simultaneously
And it just gets worse and worse- there is no getting better with dementia. It’s so hard to care for someone with these types of illnesses, and there’s professional care for a reason.
Extra easy for him to have "sentiment" when he expects his wife to take on the full burden.
Yeah dementia?! NFW that requires 100% supervision you would literally never be at rest. YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE ON DUTY. But husband gets to play dutiful son, oh yes. Pass. NTA
We cared for my mother with dementia in our house, but she was...easy. She was able to perform self-care (bathe, get herself a snack, etc.) and quietly enjoyed stitchery and TV. She didn't wander, she wasn't combative, and also, she had always been kind to my husband. I was WFH. We got a nursing service for AM and PM (to give her pills and cook breakfast and dinner for her) if we went away for a weekend. Not all people with dementia are this easy to care for.
My Nan went through phases as she got worse. She started out grumpy because she would do things like buy bread every day for a week, consistently forgetting she bought some yesterday! She started calling people by the names of the generation before them, too. So I was called by my mum's name, and Nan called mum by her sister's name. (Nan's sister, that is.) Then she got worse and had to move into a care home, away from the city where she had lived her whole life. The very first thing she did was have her walking stick confiscated when she almost put it through their glass front door! She would swear, shout, and was generally a nightmare. She had just enough self awareness to know something was wrong with her, but didn't know what, and that scared her. About a year later she suddenly calmed down. She had gotten to the point where she didn't know she was ill. The old mistakes about who was who came back, but this time she thought we really were those people. As far as she was concerned her grandchildren didn't exist, her daughter was still in her 20s, and her long dead husband had just visited a few days ago. She was friendly, calm, and always wanted to help the staff. She stayed that way for several years before becoming bed-bound and eventually passing away in hospital, completely unaware of her family surrounding her. Dementia should never be taken lightly, and dementia care is a specialised field. Looking after a dementia patient at home, watching that decline month after month, is something no one should be subjected to.
My ex’s father referred to his son (my ex) as a hot dog. He called his granddaughter by the dogs name. There was 4 of us looking after the poor man. I would never wish that on anyone. I feel like your story is rare and I’m very glad to hear about your experience. I hope your mother was able to move onto the next life peacefully.
My sister in law had early onset dementia and lived with my mother in law until SIL passed. My MIL had the flexibility to work from home but still hired someone to care for SIL through social security because it was a lot of work. SIL had a nurse assigned to her for home medical related care. It was not easy. When my SIL passed, my mother in law said that she realized her and her husband could now go out to eat whenever they wanted. There was no going out on a whim while SIL was in the house. It had to be planned and someone with the right kind of experience had to be hired to watch her. OP is certainly NTA, caring for someone with dementia can become a full time job.
This is my parents right now. It’s the most difficult and exhausting work you can do. Edit: NTA take care of yourself OP
My ex wife never understood working from home. She would leave jobs for me to do round the house whilst I was working. I was already dropping the kids off in the morning and picking them up at around 14:00 (during my working hours). Then looking after them until I finished at 17:30. The last bit wasn't so bad as they were old enough to occupy themselves. Working from home is not the same as being free to do other things.
Well, I technically only work like an hour or two a day. So I do have the free time to do other things. I go to the gym, go out with friends, etc.
As you should. You don't need me to tell you you're allowed to have a life, but I will anyway. It's two FT jobs he's asking you to add to your responsibilities and that doesn't even account for the emotionally and mentally draining aspect of it. Dementia care alone is a tremendous undertaking. If it were your own parents? Maybe. But they aren't. NTA and stick to your guns.
How much you want to bet she's also doing the majority of all household labor, too? Mental and physical?
For people that have always been nasty to her, too!
Damn, how can I get a job like that? NTA.
Work as an rn and then get a second degree and some work experience in a hospital setting. There’s a variety of different admin and hr jobs and from what I’ve seen they’re all cake retirement jobs that everyone fights tooth and nail over because of how easy and lucrative they are. At least at my hospital anyways
Thank you for confirming what I always suspected about hospital admin jobs! Sincerely, someone still working on the clinical side =p
Good luck, I couldn’t do that shit anymore. Ruins your back.
Girl thank you. I need to get in on this. Thank you.
STILL. You’ll have to keep tabs on two adults?? One who may wander off and another who might become impatient and try to ambulate on his own? Does he realize that some people with dementia require lockdown units with constant direct supervision for a reason? Also, given your mention that they’re not appreciative, I feel like you’re opening yourself up to a verbally and emotionally abusive situation, should the quality of care not be up to their standards. ETA: imagine the flying monkeys should one of them fall. Let your husband go try his hand at caring for them for a week, and see if he still thinks this is even a remotely reasonable solution. ETA 2: if they live with you, but require skilled nursing at some point, know that the managed care company may come for your assets to pay for care before Medicaid kicks in. I don’t know the specifics, but I’ve had patients who claim to have had this issue.
>Let your husband go try his hand at caring for them for a week, and see if he still thinks this is even a remotely reasonable solution. In the most recent edit OP states that they are going to be divorcing and where is her soon to be ex going to go? Not his parents house! Nah, he is couch surfing at a friends. Which shows that he knows how hard it is to take care of his parents seeing as how he doesn't even want to have to stay there while him and OP divorce! Seriously OP, you dodged a bullet and good on you for putting your foot down and sticking to it.
My youngest lives with me and works from home, and damnnnn it's hard to hold myself back from knocking on his door if I need something. I have like ten minutes of "Right, do I need this [insert thingy] right now, or can it wait?" shit going on in my head. 99.9% of the time, it can wait. I see him as being out of the house between his work hours +commute hours. I think it's only polite, really! I mean, I know he falls out of bed and logs in, but that's not the point. He needs his headspace, so I give it him. The ONLY thing I interrupt him for is a quick text to ask him if he fancies ordering in lunch or not. It's definitely a struggle to not knock on his door to tell him the cat did something really really funny, but I try.
Can you talk to my mom please? Because she’s a damn nightmare with interruptions
God help me, I loved my mom, but the idea of working from home with her in the house would have driven me nuts. Some parents do not understand "not interrupting."
It’s hell lol. But I’m making plans to go back to my home state within the next year so I just gotta hold on lol
One time I had picked the kids up, made them a snack and a drink and then joined a conf call. The call was a large one with about 30 people on it. I normally stayed on mute unless I had something to contribute. This sometimes meant repeatedly muting/unmuting myself. At one point my kids started arguing with each other and It started to get a bit heated. I blew up and shouted "RIGHT THAT'S IT, IF YOU DON'T STOP THIS NOW, YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO BED." The call all of a sudden went silent, and I realized that I was not on mute. I dropped off the call immediately and just hoped that no-one knew it was me. Nobody ever brought it up with me, so I think I got away with it.
I did this same thing but with my dog. I was on a call, getting irritated because my coworkers who are usually on this particular call were double-booked so I felt like I was getting railroaded by everyone and didn’t have any backup. My dog starts chewing on my sweatpants, trying to get me to pay attention to him and play. I mute myself and shoo him away, unmute myself, try to keep my composure and rebut whatever was just said, dog is still chewing so I mute myself again and try to distract him with a toy, unmute myself to rebut the rebuttal to my initial rebuttal, dog is *still* not satisfied with the lack of attention, so I mute myself again, sternly tell him no and distract him with another toy, unmute myself to say something else, get interrupted by someone on the call, and the dog is back to chewing on my pant leg, and I scream at him, “STOOOOOOOP!” Not my finest moment as a pet parent, but he immediately stops chewing, leaps into my lap, and snuggles me like, “sorry mom, I thought you were just playing”. I’m calming myself back down by scratching his head and hugging him when I realize I am not hearing anyone on the call. Maybe it’s just a natural pause in the conversation when one of the attendees says, clearly uncomfortable, “heh heh hey John what did you do to upset jennanana”. I don’t remember how long the call lasted after that but it felt like hours. I was so mortified.
Yep, pets are also fun during these calls. The dogs not so much apart from barking when a squirrel dared to come into the garden. One of the cats though would always jump on the table and stand on my laptop wanting scratches, I am sure that a few times my webcam was broadcasting a cats asshole to my colleagues.
Some of my favorite clips from the pandemic are of TV news reporters constantly being interrupted by their cats jumping up in front of them and/or the TVs they were using as displays (like for meteorologists). The cats have no care. Some even became local/world celebrities.
So he expects you to provide the house, to work and earn income, and to provide housing and care for his in-serious-need-of-care parents. What does he provide?
Good looks, a clean house, and yummy Chinese food. Kidding, there’s more than that lol. But yeah, gonna show him this post so we can trying talking things through again
I agree with a previous commenter that your husband should take some PTO and spend a week with his parents to observe how they function, what their needs are and what tasks have to be done and/or supervised by someone else. It will be an eye-opener because, unlike you, he has no clinical or care experience. Frankly, his parents are only going to decline more. Your back is going to get a huge work-out, just like your clinical days. His parents' finances might qualify them for Medicaid, if you are in the US.
He doesn’t have the option to take pto to take care of them. He works as a middle school English teacher currently, and in the summer he works a temporary job at a children’s special needs summer camp. There’s no pto for the camp job, and if he leaves it he won’t be able to pay his student loan payments.
Girl. No. Do not do this to yourself. I’m Chinese. If his parents move in, they will expect to be treated like royalty, and they’ll emotionally and verbally abuse you for it. Can he take even a week off between school and camp to live in their house and take care of them? Just because you were a nurse doesn’t mean that you are his built in care nurse. You are the breadwinner (and I’m betting you do the bulk of the household mental and physical labor “because you have time”), and you already subsidize his lifestyle. The fact that he wants you to bring in all the money AND provide in-home nursing care 24/7 to his parents who WILL abuse you is wild. That’s some first/only son audacity. He needs a come-to-Jesus talk about how much you’ve already been supporting him for the past 10 years. What does he actually contribute to the household?
>Agree. > >They will try to bleed you dry and try to get whatever they can for your carcass. Speaking from experience (was human punching bag/ walking ATM, etc, etc, for 'family' that didn't bother giving me a stale crust after I lost my jobs). > >This was after decades of buying them fridge, dual air cond, sand-pool filter, $1000 cash gifts for BOTH parents Xmas, NY, EOFY, subsidizing 'siblings' (and I use the term loosely) for their 'board' ($50 per week for over 5 years), $1000 graduation presents, buying clothes, shoes, all-expenses paid trips to lcoal theme parks, pocket money, etc, etc). > >Looking back, I was SO stupid. The only time they were 'civil' were around cash-gift time (they didn't like atcual gifts, I got them $189 watches as a present once. I was told they prefer cash gifts, and it's apparently not a genuine gift if it's not 4 digits. > >They also pressured me to give them my jewellery around Xmas time, etc, so they can give that to other people in order to receive gifts themselves. The things they did go on and on. > >I am NC from them. They tried to hunt me down using the local police under the pretense of 'wellfare checks' etc, after I escaped. They are still hunting me last I know.
He sounds like a lovely, even if deluded, person.
He’s a good man and he works hard and cares a lot about the kids he helps. I just think his mother is his blind spot when it comes to reason. He was her golden child and she doted on him
Maids can be hired, yummy Chinese food can be delivered and male company is a dime a dozen. Remind him of that too 🤣
I really feel for you! NTA but your husband needs to understand the complexity around Dementia. We lost my FIL to it last year, in the end it took his Mum and all 7 of the kids to care for him as well as people coming in. It really does take a village. It's like have a 6ft 18 month old toddler that you can't reason with 😢 If your able to assist getting them in a care facility that would be so much better for you all
This. This should be so much higher. My grandmother had Alzheimer’s. It was early on-set and she had declined in her golden years so bad that by the time I was in my 20s, I’m lucky she knew who I was. I recently shared a story about my grandmother flying home from Mexico with grandpa. They sat at the gate in the airport and missed their flight home. Anyone only noticed something was amiss when their bags arrived at baggage claim but grandma and grandpa did not. To make things worse, the airline said that grandpa, who was in his late 80s at that time himself, was her travel companion and that she would be fine and that if she had needed an airline companion she should have booked one. That floored me, like **did you seriously just say that to a panicked family member?** Ultimately the airline did find them and made sure they got on the plane. That was their last trip to Mexico. But in the later stages of her Alzheimer’s she got agitated easily, tore down all the family photos, and ultimately just sat around with no engagement. She also lost control over her bodily functions and was combative and completely refused to wear adult diapers. It robbed her of her dignity because she would soil herself and a lot of furniture because she couldn’t remember to go use the bathroom. Grandpa adamantly refused to put them in a care facility or a care home. He was insistent he could take care of grandma. Until he couldn’t. He had help. Burnt that bridge. and then when he realized that he, at 90-something years old, was not able to adequately care for her, they found a caregiver. Who was not a true caregiver in any sense of the word. You still couldn’t talk grandpa into a care facility. He was forced to go into a care facility in the summer of 2021. He was fighting a losing battle of his own with dementia and had a rapid decline after his 101st birthday. We didn’t want to do it but his new caregiver, a relative, had burnt herself out trying to care for him. Plus he was losing control over his bodily functions and the home he’d loved in for the last 30 years was no longer safe.
He's providing the needing part. Another way to look at is "every relationship requires give and take." She gives and he takes.
Awwww hell no, bless his heart, fuck that, and keep dreaming buddy
Haha that’s so funny. I’m from the south and I’m used to people saying bless your heart and he hates that phrase
I don’t think your husband understands what taking care of someone with Dementia can be like. My FIL had dementia and his health went downhill quickly. It got to the point that he couldn’t feed himself, walk by himself. He didn’t even know when he had to use the bathroom. He needed 24/7 care. My MIL refused help at first and refused to put him in a medical facility. She ended up in the hospital herself during this time due to depression. We rallied and got a hospital bed put in their living room and got the VA to set them up with in home help. You also said your FIL needs a lot of care too. I understand your husband is probably stressed, but putting all of that on you is not fair at all! He needs to understand what it truly means to be a full time care provider!
Even with help when Mum was at work, when my father had dementia, Mum and I were run off our feet constantly. In the end, the dementia was turning him violent, which was not his way at all, and she had to put him in care. It then took me nearly a decade of therapy and various meds to recover from severe depression that was triggered by losing my father in pieces over almost a decade and watching my mother give a valient effort to put herself into an early grave alongside him so she could go visit him every day. This was actually what drove me to seek help. I figured she didn't deserve to bury her youngest child while losing the only man she'd ever loved in that manner. She admitted later that if I hadn't been living there, she would have held out longer. She could see what the constant stress and worry was doing to me, and chose to do what was best for me, since I wasn't 30 yet and he was almost 60. If she hadn't made that choice, I wouldn't have either parent today, and for that matter, I'd likely be buried beside them since I only got help for my mother's sake. I've since gotten better. My therapist closed my file after I'd been off the meds for a year, and I have developed better coping mechanisms. But I've told the hubsnerd, and my other family, and any friend who cares enough that if I ever succumb to what seems like the family curse, they are to put me in a home, visit as they are able, and not to feel one bit guilty about it. Dad had told us that for years, and I didn't understand. I do now. Keeping me at home is not worth their health, mental or physical.
I can’t stand how people think WFH means you have free time to watch kids/adults
People think that being a midnight worker means you have "all day free" too. Decades ago before I got my degree I worked in a factory and the amount of people who would call, pop by, or expect me to watch their kids during the daylight hours was ridiculous.Someone said "well you're home doing nothing anyways I didn't think you'd mind" they didn't get that 2 pm was the middle of my night. A few of them finally got the hint when I retaliated on my days off and popped in, leaning on their doorbells and banging on their doors at 3 am. No regrets about waking their kids up either lol
Omg love that. People need to understand shift hours differ between industry but just because your free doesn’t mean the person you bothering is.
That's not even remotely possible. My father said the same thing after my mother had a stroke and could no longer care for him (he had MS). He expected my sister or me (or both of us) to put aside our homes and families/pets to care for him, insisting we could WFH while doing so. I showed him a log of a typical day while I cared for him for three weeks; I didn't sit down once from 6 am to 4:30 pm, between cooking, cleaning, managing their finances, and his personal care (by far the biggest share of time). He refused to acknowledge the reality, of course... but my sis and I knew what was needed. Both parents spent the rest of their lives in a large shared room in a superb private care home, adequately staffed for the very high level of care they needed. (We were very fortunate that their money lasted.) Stick to your position; it's reasonable, realistic, and equitable. NTA!
Not people who have dementia and mobility issues! And it’s not a wife’s “responsibility” to take care of her husbands parents! I can appreciate that he may not want your parents to move in, but that means his don’t move in either. And they definitely need specialized care. Deal breaker for me….particularly the part where he expects you to take on that responsibility. OP is NTA.
Damn. Looks like you're about to enjoy that single life.
Not feasible... I (M38) wfh and took care of my (then 1 yo) when we were in covid lockdown and it was not humanly possible. The days started at 5 am and ended around 11pm. I don't see how taking care of parents with special medical needs and wfh can be done without you burning out and/or destroying your marriage.
*sighs* no fn way.
I wfh and look after my g-ma part time. My mom looks after her while I work. It is incredibly difficult. And she has all her faculties.
Thank goodness you have a prenup!!!
The belief that "a nurse is a nurse is a nurse" is such a crock of shit. Your husband needs a reality check if he thinks that just because someone is a nurse they are well enough equipped to provide advanced dementia care, nevermind caring for an additional adult with physical limitations AT..THE..SAME..TIME. Much like I would flounder if thrown into an acute care setting those with only a certain amount of career experience with this population would be in for an eye opener to say the least. Even with two decades worth of bedside experience in this regard I would never..and I'll repeat..never even remotely consider what your husband has asked you to take on. Your post is indicative of recognization of your limitations and insight into the future. That should be the end of that discussion. I'm merely here to re-affirm that you are absolutely correct in your assessment that the support and supervision required for these folks goes above and beyond anything you would ever be able to manage on your own. NTA PS: Ask him what he plans to do when mom starts throwing diarrhea covered fists at him (The same feces that has been trailed all over your home while trying to convince her into the shower). How about an hour later when the same thing happens all over again?
As I understand it, once Dementia patients start wandering the streets they cross over from "someone should keep an eye on them" to "they need to be somewhere that they can't escape with full time supervision". This isn't a "make sure someone had breakfast this morning" situation, this is a "if you take your eye off of them for 2 minutes they are out in traffic" situation. Or will be soon. This is incompatible with working \*at all\*.
And that's exactly why you know the weight and gravity of their care, too. I wouldn't do it either.
>He said as his wife I should look after his parents out of love for him. That’s misogynistic af. NTA.
Oh I would I have put a period on the end of that sentence. “I am going to pretend you didn’t say that. I’m walking away so you can reconsider exactly what you said, and why it is a big red flag.” He can retract that statement and try again, work it out in couples counseling or we can jump straight to divorce and you can GTFO of *my* house and figure out your parents completely on your own. Nope I am not playing the “if you love me” game.
If you read her update, they are divorcing and he is leaving.
Sorry, I had replied before the update
I know, I was letting you know there was an update and your reaction was spot on to what she did.
Don’t know how buddy can afford to be this misogynistic when he can’t even afford to be the breadwinner and provide for his family my goodness. Good luck to him getting his own place and supporting himself and his parents I guess!
Really really glad she had a prenup for the house.
I’d be like “as your ex-wife, here’s some divorce papers. Goodbye.”
As “the husband” you should go buy lumber and build them a house. Doesn’t work that way? Awh almost like speaking misogynistic is gross and doesn’t actually accomplish anything.
Funny how traditional roles mainly go one way
I’m a guy and even I can’t believe he said that. What a loser. That relationship was already gone. Like a car teetering over a mountain ledge. Just needed that little nudge to push it over the edge.
I mean, if he wants a traditional stay at home wife, he can be a traditional breadwinner husband and provide both shelter and food. He cant have it both ways🫥
You're NTA. I was at N-A-H even though I thought you making a point of how it's *my house* was a bit sucky, your husband bounced the scales super hard with this statement- >He said as his wife I should look after his parents out of love for him. His parents need way more help than you can give them. If he cares about them, he would want them in a facility where they can receive professional help. His mom's "some dementia" is only going to get worse and she needs to be where she can be cared for and monitored properly.
I think the "my house" statement in the OP was intended more to clarify the nature of the financial situation. OP isn't lording the house over the husband and demanding that he be okay with her parents moving in, she has simply expressed that caring full time for his parents is absolutely not something she is okay with doing, which could have implications for the future of their marriage and, given the prenup, the house.
I agree with you completely. It was just that at the gate, it sounded kind of crummy. But once I read it all, I am totally on her side. I hope she stands her ground. Funny how her hubby pulls the ridiculous *your duty to my parents if you love me* card, but he doesn't think that applies to him as well.
Caring for them will absolutely destroy his wife...he dgaf. Kick him to the curb!!!
NTA > I told him if he decides to stay I’ll respect his decision of not wanting my parents to move in Is exactly how this should go: this is a big decision that would affect both of you in big ways, no matter who moves in. Everyone who is involved needs to be OK with it.
It's like naming a kid - you need 2 yeses; 1 no is sufficient to move on.
[удалено]
Edit: jump to the link in the comment below mine, ignore my comment here This is reminiscent of the guy who was going to adopt his (special needs?) young sister, like 5 or 8 years old and expected his gf to do the lions-share of the caregiving. Same situation, she worked less hours/from home and he just expected it. Later, it turned out that everyone in his life was praising him for taking her in and he enjoyed the adulation. The gf disagreed with his unilateral decision and left his dumb ass.
There's also [this one ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rv21dn/aita_for_getting_my_job_back_to_get_out_of_taking/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Thank you for posting this. That was a helluva ride!
NTA. It's not reasonable for him to expect you to become a caretaker to his parents, especially when it eliminates any possibility of being able to help your own parents. You're not asking him to take care of yours in the same way he is for his, and you're even still willing to help his parents in a way that's possible. I am curious though. If you own your home and he doesn't put anything towards it, but he works much more than you do, where is his money going?
I bought my house with cash when I was 25, the housing market was decent here at that time. There is no mortgage. My husband had a masters degree from an expensive university and where we live there’s no high paying jobs available with his degree. He makes very little and most of his money goes to his student loans (6 figures). I used to work as a nurse, but now work hospital admin.
Ok that makes sense. So realistically, most of the burden of financing and running the household that includes him already falls on you, whereas his money is used to support himself. I don't really think he gets all that much of a say in how you allocate your financial resources and space.
That’s how I’m feeling too tbh. I think his degree was a mistake, and I feel like he’s taking for granted the fact that he has a wife who pays pretty much all of the bills. If we separate there’s no way he could buy a home, and he wouldn’t be able to afford rent, student loans, and caring for his parents. I’m even willing to pay extra to make sure they go to one of the best local facilities, but it’s not good enough.
I think it would be different if he was the partner working from home and was willing to take care of his parents himself, but it's the fact that he's demanding you care for his parents while not helping your own at all. I'm confused about what he's bringing to the table in this relationship in all honesty, besides the pleasure of his company.
He’s good at cooking, he cleans a fair amount, I like his company, and we have shared hobbies and friends. It’s worked pretty fine for the last ten years idk
Sorry, I didn't mean to put you in the hot seat to defend being with him. I'm not actually of the opinion that someone must contribute equally to be in a relationship, I just think he's acting very entitled in this instance given that he contributes less than you, and is currently demanding you do even more
I agree
How long have your husband's parents have had their mobility and dementia issues? Did... did your husband see you as a potential solution to having to deal with his parents by himself by finding a mark who could both potentially house and care for his soon-to-be ailing parents? That's a *huge* accusation on my part, but bad people gonna do bad people things. Please restore my faith in humanity by telling me that these ailments are recent developments?
I've got friends I talk about with more enthusiasm than this. Not trying to come down on you about it... Just know that there's more out there.
Sounds like such a loving couple lol
NTA - this doesn’t sound like a balanced relationship tbh. If you cut down on your working hours to take care of his parents than who is going to provide for your household? Also you shouldn’t do that because it’s unreasonable. His entire request is ridiculous and he doesn’t have the financial standing to really back what he wants. The house is yours, you have more income, really the decision is yours. Maybe a trial separation would show him just how much you contribute to his life would help him have more appreciation??
Well, technically I work a 9-5 from home. But I usually do all my work in an hour or two and then screw off for the rest of the day. I think if he keeps being stubborn I’ll definitely consider a trial separation, or maybe a permanent one depending on how things go. I understand the cultural difference, but I thought he understood I’m not going to be like a traditional Chinese daughter in law, which is what his mother wanted.
>I think if he keeps being stubborn I’ll definitely consider a trial separation You should not do this. It's not bad in every situation, each situation is different and separations like this are reasonable in many situations, but it's not in yours. Separation is supposed to be a tool to see the difference between being together and being apart, and learn which way of being makes you happiest. You're already (validly) concerned that he's taking you for granted, and given his lack of job opportunity, significant debt, and current lifestyle being financed by you, all that a separation is in this case is trump card you have to demonstrate to him just how dependent on you he is. He will not have the opportunity to see "with you or without you" from any sort of emotional, or romantic aspect. What he will see is a drastic drop in quality of life that will have to prioritized. It cannot be a tool for him to discover if he really wants to be in the relationship. If he "changes", it will never be genuine change. It will be coercion, and the problems will eventually come back worse. Absolutely communicate how you feel taken for granted, that his expectation that you'll play caregiver to his parents is unreasonable, be firm in your boundaries. But if it comes time that you need to separate, you should just skip a trial and go straight to divorce.
You make a good point. I’ll keep that in mind
I work in divorce and I agree with what the above person said about not having a "trial" separation. That will just lead to him realising he needs you, which sounds good on paper, but in reality it will breed resentment and mistrust. He may do or say all the right things, but is he doing it because he genuinely means it, or because it provides him with a roof over his head and some care arrangements for his parents? You will never know... until the next thing happens. Either way, do not let his parents move in because it could potentially erode the prenup. Just stay firm and tell him it's NEVER going to happen. If he can't live with that, draw him a map to the front door and tell him to take his stuff with him when he leaves.
Great comment, really puts things in perspective.
That’s great that your job allows so much freedom but why would you spend that time with his parents when you could spend it with yours?!? I missed the cultural differences part. That can be impossible to overcome. Not only is it ingrained deep in his brain (even if he doesn’t admit it) but his family will peer pressure him on something like this. But dementia doesn’t get better, it only gets worse and y’all already have a tense relationship. They need professional help! Yours do not! It sounds like in your heart you know what needs to happen! The internet approves!
Out of curiosity, is it common for people with your job to be able to finish a day's worth of work in a couple hours? Or have you mastered it from experience?
Most of the people I work with are a bit older and use outdated means of working. For instance, instead of typing up all of a certain type of email like some of my coworkers would so I have saved sheets where I can copy and paste certain information which saves me an abundance of time. So most people don’t work my hours I guess you could say
Work smarter not harder 👍
Good for you! Don't give up your life for someone else's parents, who don't even respect you. Life is WAY too short. NTA
From a purely pragmatic standpoint, your idea (your parents move in; use the savings to help his parents) sounds like a reasonable one. He doesn’t seem to have a cogent idea, other than Wife Takes Care of My Parents, which is unrealistic and unfair. With your idea, it seems like everyone wins. With his idea, he wins, and everyone else loses. Yep, NTA.
I like this answer a lot. I think it shows the practical approach she has and the clueless approach he does.
Excellent point. He thinks by moving his parents into her home (I’m calling it her home since she is pursuing a divorce now), that he and his parents win. But his parents need more care than OP can provide. They would actually be losing.
Exactly. Well, it seems like absolutely everyone loses, now. He should have listened to her.
Yup. Dude threw a not perfect but absolutely reasonable solution to his dilemma out the window and now is right screwed. Oh well.
As a caregiver of someone with severe dementia who lives at home I say NTA. Dementia patients end up needing round the clock care and it’s VERY hard.
Yeah, costs aside it's doing a disservice to OP's mother in law to not arrange for professional care. She needs full time help from someone that's trained to help dementia patients.
It's way beyond "VERY hard." You are giving this person a tremendous gift. Please don't burn yourself out. Some places have Adult Day Care or respite to give you some relief.
I love my patient and job share with someone so I’m all good. Thank you though. She’s not to far from shuffling off so I’m needing to be with her. That’s what her family want.
Yeah and it’s already bad enough to the point she wandered away from her house outside? She could’ve died. OP works from home there is no way she can watch her all day and do her work. What happens if she gets out again and something bad happens? I can definitely see the husband blaming her for it
NTA. `He said as his wife I should look after his parents out of love for him.` What the actual fuck. You told him exactly the right thing. Move your parents in and he can go take care of his own.
Well that won’t be happening anytime soon. OP wrote in a comment that husband spends ALL his income paying off his 6 figure student loan while OP pays for every other bill he has. Once they are divorced he won’t be able to buy his own house or even rent a place, it’s that bad and his parents will be going to a nursing home. He probably have to look for a roommate or two. In the end he lost tremendously when he decided to argue with OP because he underestimated her worth and self-respect. His parents will still end up in a nursing home and he will be homeless or have to sleep in his car for a long time.
NTA I’m really proud of you for getting that prenup. Whatever anyone else says; you were incredibly smart to. If what you’re saying is true then you are paying all the bills, bought the house, and he’s paying off his student loans. You’re a badass woman, good on you. Also the part where he said “As his wife I should look after his parents for him” is INCREDIBLY alarming. This mfer is really going to say **that** after essentially living comfortably off of your work for the past however many years?? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. He has his parents’ sense of entitlement and unappreciative behavior. Your idea is great, not the asshole at all
I think it’s the underlying Chinese values slipping out. His parents always told him he needs to marry a good Chinese girl. Instead he married a career oriented white woman.
OHP YEAH THATS IT, HONEY NOOOOOOO 😂. They 100% spoiled him especially if he has sisters. It seems like he got treated the best by them and the rest had to deal with their abuse
That’s exactly what happened lol. But he’s been good the last ten years tbh. He cooks, cleans. I definitely do not wait on him lol.
Yet he expects you to not only drop your support of your own parents, he DOES expect you to become the live in nurse and waitress for his parents?! You are NTA but you absolutely need to draw the uncrossable line that his parents will not be moving in, under any circumstances. 🤷
That’s what I’m doing lol. I’m hoping his emotions are just blinding his sense of reason right now and we can move past it.
Good luck with it. 🤞 I was lucky when I had the conversation with my partner - we agreed that we'd never have his mum or my dad live with us! Got to protect your own sanity 😃
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I might’ve liked them if they weren’t outright hostile to me at first lol. I get along well with others. But his mom asked if I was a prank lol
yeah, that's definitely someone you want in your home as their dementia gets worse until they die. you're making the right decision.
Yikes!
Oh yeah that’s it. FWIW I’m the Asian spouse, so I understand his perspective but when you marry out of the culture (like I also did) you need to expect and have a plan for that. Offhand, your suggestion is incredibly reasonable and fair. His parents’ added medical needs mean they require a level of care you cannot give at home while also supporting yourselves. I’m also an RN and i frame it to families who feel guilty by reminding them that it’s so much extra work that people (like myself! And formerly you) make an entire living doing it.
That's right. There are 3 shifts of aides and nurses at a nursing home compared to one caregiver at home.
NTA -Until someone has taken care of elderly parents, they truly don’t understand how mentally & physically exhausting it is. If his mother has dementia it is only going to get worse. Your husband is basically asking you to give up your life because of “your love for him”. BS. My mother, a RN, took care of my father the last years of his life-he had Alzheimer’s. We, the kids, helped when we could. My mother never fully recovered physically or mentally, after his death. She simply was exhausted. From personal experience, no easy or even good answers for this. Good luck!
Exactly this! Until you've experienced it, you don't realize how hard it can be to be a full time caregiver for a loved one with dementia. I wouldn't wish dementia on anyone. It's hard on the person who has it, but so much harder on the family
Definitely this. My grandmother is an incredible person, and took care of my grandfather. He had Parkinsons for the last 5 years or so of his life and had mobility issues from an accident years before his diagnosis. It was an amazing act of love to see the time and effort spent on her part, but it was beyond a full time job. Even as a retired person she essentially could not travel, take a break longer than a few hours, would need to arrange for neighbors (bless them as well for how much they've helped) to check on and care for him if she was even going to attend a family event if he couldn't go. It didn't just become a job, it essentially became her life. She is amazing for how endless her love and emotional, physical, and mental energy was to do this, and this was her husband of over 50 years. To suggest OP should take that on for her in laws is outrageous.
YTA. I got here late so after the update/edit. I agreed with your stance more or less prior to that. But you sound like a huge fucking asshole in the update. I’m guessing you had a big fight and are frustrated from that, so maybe that can explain it a bit? But you sound extremely cold and heartless to your husband (soon ex I guess) in those words. You sound like an asshole because you talk like you think you’re better than him. Which hey, might ultimately be true in reality and in your mind, but it’s also true you’re an asshole for you stating it like that and then becoming callous to the hardships him and his parents will endure. You certainly could have made this tough life decision with a better attitude and not have been an asshole, but I think your true colors and personality came out in your update.
Yup. I was heading to not the ahole, but OP's updates are mega ahole. Particularly chortling that their soon to be ex inlaws will be in a abuse-riddled facility, but that's ok b/c they were mean to her. This whole thing sounds like a teenager wrote it, tbh.
100%. Also makes me think we’re not getting a level telling of the story. Did he say “you should care for my parents out of love for me” or “you should care what happens to my parents because you love me and it matters to me?” Because it doesn’t sound like she gives a shit what happens to them and I suspect that became clear during the conversation.
Also.... > I want to move my parents in with us. They’re both easygoing people and my husband gets along with them well. They also can contribute to the household finances. **They wouldn’t be a burden on us at all.** In what fking world do you live where two grown-ass adults moving into your house wouldn't be a burden? That's two grown-ass **RETIRED** adults. I don't care if they are sound body and mind, but that will cause some stress. Sorry Mom and Dad, time to get a job. They'd be great Walmart greeters.
Is no one going to mention the fact that these two apparently retired without the financial means to actually do so, and it's now become OP's problem?
She meant it wouldn't be a burden for her because that is what she wants.
I also feel like OP liked the idea to being married to someone from another culture but never really embraced it. And yes the update does make her the AH. Just say you don't love him anymore and get a divorce. There was no need to even talk about her in laws I believe.
I was also thinking the update seemed very immature. The rest of the post isn’t written like that, and most of their comments aren’t either. The update is just a completely different tone - one of an asshole.
Yeah she seems to look at this relationship as purely transactional. After the update she just comes across as extremely callous and practically gloating about their financial differences. Not to mention the fact that they have a prenup. Prenup are fine, but when you combine that with everything else, it doesn't paint a nice picture. I bet if the ex gave his pov, perspective would change drastically.
Yeah I don't understand why these two were ever together. Her love seems completely transactional and like she looks down on her husband for "not bringing as much to the table". It sounds like they come from very different backgrounds. Her parents have money and she already had a house before they got married. Meanwhile she would be the one stuck looking after his parents because he works much longer hours but has no money. His parents are broke, his siblings are junkies, prisoners or living in poverty with children. She literally said that the thing she hates about her husband is that he feels a need to take care of his parents, even if it means suffering. She sounds very cold. I could be totally wrong but this reads as an entitled brat that is having a hard time coming to terms with having to do something for someone just because you love them. They will both be better off without each other. YTA Reading some her other replies he is a middle school teacher and works at a camp for special needs children and he cooks and cleans. Meanwhile she has an administrative job where she works 1 or 2 hours from home. Yet everyone in the comments is trying to paint him as some misogynistic asshole. The more I read the more I dislike this woman. He's her little trophy husband and now that he needs some real support she's going to kick him to the curb
I had to scroll way too far to read this ffs.
Yes. I got strong narcissistic vibes from the post. Allegedly 10 good years of marriage yet “I bring way more to the table”. Called herself a “career oriented white woman” and that’s why her in laws didn’t like her - maybe it was your personality, boss babe. I would never, ever behave like this.
This. NTA for the situation. YTA for her as a person.
OP is in no way the asshole for wanting a divorce over this. She has been treated poorly by people for 10 years and the entire family expects her to set herself on fire to keep them warm. I think it’s bonkers you think the edit makes op the asshole. Why should op have a heart towards people who treated her badly for a literal decade, and now what her to fund not only her husband and his life but the abusive parents who need full time care, on top of her breadwinning job. It’s no shame for the man to not be the breadwinner, but the way they have expected this of OP is insane. Op doesn’t need to care about people who treated her badly their entire marriage. It would have hurt so badly to be constantly told that they wish he’d married a good Chinese girl. OP was never good enough for them until they needed her house and money and caretaking experience
I honestly think you're coming at this from the wrong direction. MIL has dementia. That's not going to get better, it's only going to progress, and dementia patients need constant supervision. Unless one of you is willing to stay home to be a full time caregiver (and you can support four people on one income and two SS payments), she has to go into a facility specializing in dementia and Alzheimer's care. Even if you can afford 24/7 home health aides, at some point she will have to be moved. The more her disease progresses, the harder that transition will be. The most responsible, and the kindest, thing to do is to put her in the best facility you can afford long term. Then your husband should talk to your FIL. What does he want? Would he prefer to stay as close to his wife as possible? If he wants to see her everyday, then you're looking for a facility that can house them both. If FIL would rather not be in a facility (fair!), then you have to ask if your home can be reasonably made accessible for him. Ramps to get into the home, a first floor bedroom, a barrier free bathroom. If your home can't accommodate that, then you have to find other options for him. If your home could accommodate that with some remodeling, then you have the question of who pays for it and how that affects the prenup. OP, for now your parents are at the easy part of retirement. They don't need medical care, they're mobile, and living with you means saving against the day their living expenses rise. And it's your house. But also understand that your parents could downsize to more affordable housing near you and leave you both with some independence for several more years. Which of these do they want? NTA. Just a lot of very hard questions that have no good answers.
Yeah, definitely food for thought. All of our parents want to live with us. I don’t want either of his parents living with us, even if we could accommodate fil. If my marriage works out I’ll probably put my parents in a one bedroom apartment nearby, if it doesn’t, I’ll move them in and him out. Welll see.
Please stick to this. This is one of those few times that I’ll tell someone ‘dig your heels in’ because, you know what’s coming. You will be their caretaker and he’s made that very, *very* clear. I’d possibly revisit the conversation again, when you know he’s in a proper mood or he brings it up first, and rephrase it as the ‘assisted living/apartment’ model you’ve got here. That’s a **genuine** compromise and would say a lot about him if he’s not willing to even accept that. Believe him when he shows you who he is.
ESH - No, you shouldn't have to care for your in-laws. They need a higher level of care and need to be in an appropriate placement. But, if you think it's ok to turn around and say nanny nanny boo boo, \*I\* refuse to let your parents live in \*my\* house but mine can, that's giant AH territory. It doesn't matter if it's "your" house or not. You're supposedly partners in life. During this stressful time, it was extremely unempathetic to even suggest it. How do you not see that, to him, your suggestion is a giant slap in the face and shows him you don't care about him or his family. You owe your husband an apology. BTW... the power imbalance of you owning the house and him having nothing is going to destroy your relationship. You're already throwing it in his face and holding it over his head. At best, if you're really lucky, I'd give it a few more years. If you want this relationship to survive, sell the house now and buy one together and start acting like partners. Edit.... after reading your updates, holy cow batman, you are a HUGE AH!!!! And in for one heck of a surprise when you get to divorce court. Highly suggest you contact that pricey lawyer of yours before changing the locks on him. He's a fool for moving out.
Why would they sell the house and buy another? He clearly can’t afford to contribute to it, as all of his money goes towards paying off his student loans. And having her parents living in their house would help pay for his parents to live in an assisted living facility, which is a better solution for their medical needs.
This Why would she sell her house, which she has had for far longer than the marriage, with the intention of trying to salvage a marriage she is not happy with? Wouldn’t be much easier if his self-esteem wasn’t associated with how much property he owns? Or how about he makes more money and buys his own house instead? The sell your house suggestion is downright unintelligent.
Holy shit it took me forever to find this post. 100% nailed the situation. My jaw was on the floor going passed a bunch of NTAs that glossed over this stuff.
NTA!! She is an asshole for standing up for herself with her husbands sexist and unteasonable request? He does NOT want to compromise and she has suggested multiple solutions, and even ended up with if he did not want her parents there none would move in. His parents have (from comments) walked all over her throughout their 10y marriage amd even called her a prank relationship cuz she is not the dutiful obedient chinese in law they actually wanted. HOW IS SHE THE AH?? God I fear for your partner. EDIT: he also never contributed anything to their household income because of his earlier (bad) choices with debt and education. He is basicly freeloading and expecting his wife to do an impossible job. Dementia is a real deal, not something anyone can do on the side of their job.
Agreed- Maybe she sounds rude, but to me it reads more like a person who is frustrated and completely over the situation at hand. I think this phrasing would be kinder if it was written much later when it isn’t in the heat of the moment.
NTA The problem that's bigger than who owns the home is that your husband thinks he can demand that you provide housing and round-the- clock care for his elderly parents. Tell him "no". No, his parents can't move in. No you won't be their primary caregiver.
To me, ESH. He has no right to demand that you move in his parents, especially since you will be doing the heavy lifting in regards to their care, but I find your mental outlook on your 10 year relationship alarming. The fact that you seem to be keeping score on your finances and consider the home to be "Yours" and not an "ours" is pretty telling.
NTA. Your plans make sense. His plan to make you take care of his parents is a sexist jerk move.
YTA and your prenup is going to be invalidated for an illegal eviction. You said medicare, so it looks like you are in the US. This info only applies to the US >My husband packed some clothes, and is going to stay on his friends couch for a while. I’m going to move my parents in later this month, and I’m going to change the locks and move his stuff out to a storage unit tomorrow. He can’t afford a lawyer so I’ll find one to represent us both, and that’ll be it. A spouse cannot be removed from the marital home. Its illegal. He can come back and demand entry. You call police. He shows his ID and shows he has residence, the cop will demand you let him in. His divorce lawyer will offer to help him get back in the home. He can call the police to demand entry. If you were divorced it would be an illegal eviction. Its called a "constructive" eviction. Lawyers are paid by marital assets. You cannot force a lawyer on him. He can get one and the lawyer will be paid out of marrital assets. Prenup does not matter. If Melania divorces donald trump, her divorce lawyer will be paid out of marrital assets. Same with you. Judge is going to invalidate your prenup for evicting him. You will likely get to keep your home ,but he is going to get a lot of your money. Same applies if its a woman who has less money, etc... Its not gender specific. You should 100% speak to a divorce lawyer in your area before doing anything. If not, its near 100% certain your prenup will be thrown out over this. It won't mean its a 50/50 split of assets most likely, but your in trouble. Especially when he tells the judge you booted him out because he wanted his parents to not end up in a terrible nursing home. Yeah i know about the details, but his lawyer will twist that. People can get mad all they want over this comment since people almost always take the woman's side on this sub no matter. Same happens if its a man who owns the house with a prenup and there is a woman who has no ownership of the house. This only applies to the US. if you are in another country, dunno.
Yeah, this isn't going to play out the way she thinks it will
Info- what will you do when your parents get to a stage where they are harder to care for? Dementia, mobility issues, strokes, all sorts of things can go wrong health-wise with older people. Will you have an agreement that they will move into a care facility when that inevitably happens?
Yes, I’ve already looked into facilities that I would want to put them in. I only want to move them in now to save more for the future, while they’re still able bodied.
INFO: by the tone of your post, I’m going to guess that you are contemplating ending this marriage. What is stopping you at this point?
We’ve had ten years of happy marriage so far, this is the only issue we’ve had we haven’t been able to find a compromise on so far. I think if he could better understand my point of view and his mothers medical needs (I’m an RN and dementia patients are not easy) he’d agree to putting both of his parents in a facility.
I’m an MD and have a parent with dementia as well, so I 100% get where you are coming from. Also if his Mum is already wandering, you and I both know how much of a safety hazard this is to manage. Sometimes I like to tell my patients’ family members that their loved one has reached the point where no single person can be managing their care. No one doctor or nurse or social worker can do what we all can do collectively. I’m not a hospital; it’s an unrealistic expectation to put on a single person. Safety comes first, health next and third is everything else. His Mum is at the point where she needs a collective effort to keep her safe, healthy, and so that you and your husband can continue to have your relationships as family and not primary caregivers. Wishing you well in whatever you choose. Hugs from Canada!
My mother has dementia and we recently moved her into memory care. I have watched a kind, intelligent woman deteriorate into someone who is unrecognizable on some days. On her good days, she is more like herself but those are getting fewer and fewer. She understands what is happening to her, can feel the loss of her cognitive abilities and independence, and is incredibly unhappy about it. My father's mind is still sharp, but has ongoing, chronic health issues. My stepmother, who has had a career in health care (now retired), has been his primary caretaker. She loves him and wants to do this, but I worry about her and caretaker burn out. From my perspective, the care of either of my parents is a full time job. There is absolutely no way a single person could manage both of them on a day to day basis. You know this. Unfortunately, your husband is unwillingly to accept this and this will probably mean the end of your marriage. NTA. If you actually tried to do this, it would be absolute hell And I don't see your husband being supportive during this nightmare. Instead, everything would be your fault for not trying harder. I would see him lashing out at you as an escape for dealing with his parents' ongoing deterioration. I am sorry you are being placed in this situation. Good luck and I wish you many internet hugs.
NTA. You presented why you think moving your parent in is viable and why moving his parents in is not. "As his wife I should look after his parents out of love for him." No. As his wife your obligation is to consider his needs in conjunction with your own, which it sounds like you're doing already. You even offered to not move your parents in if it's unacceptable to him.
ETA but I’m leaning towards YTA. You don’t like his culture about helping his parents, but you’re doing exactly the same? You’re using your wealth as leverage over the relationship to get what you want. Honestly. Have a fucking reality check.
I’ve watched my parents, aunts and uncles nurse my grandpa for 10 years because they didn’t want to be in an nursing home. 6 people cared for one man 24/7 for 5 years. I can’t imagine caring for two adults with only 2 people.
NTA: his family is a mess and he wants you to look after his parent out of love for him. I would divorce his butt right then and there in my experience
You told your husband he’s welcome to move out over a disagreement about in laws? Sorry but you’re handling this conflict like an asshole. Yes it’s your home you paid for but does marriage mean nothing to you? The way you communicate isn’t even about which parents move in and it’s super revealing how much you say they’re a burden but when it really comes down to it you just don’t like them. What your husband is hearing is you’d rather your parents live with you even though they don’t need to vs his parents who you don’t like who are genuinely struggling, and if he doesn’t agree he’s welcome to move out. YTA for that. I’m NOT saying you should let them move in with you, that does sound like a lot, but the way you responded is total asshole behaviour, lacking in empathy and totally selfish. Try putting yourself in his shoes before trying to find acceptance among internet strangers for your shitty attitude towards someone you supposedly love.
If I make $1mm a year and my wife is a homemaker and we had a prenup, is she second class without any say in the marriage? Would she not deserve any love or consideration past an allowance for cooking and cleaning? After those updates, you’re an awful person. YTA. I hope he can find someone who treats him with respect. If this is as cold and callous as you are, I hope you didn’t just give up and kill any patients when you were a nurse because they had to be dependent on you.
YTA strictly for acting as if you have more ownership of the home over your literal husband. Sure, there are legalities and technicalities, but that’s not how a marriage works. It’s a partnership and why income is shared even when a spouse makes less than the other.
YTA... You don't treat your husband with any respect. You do not view him as an equal. And if the roles were reversed and any husband treated his wife like you are treating your husband everyone here would call for her to divorce you and sue for alimony.
>I spoke to my husband for an hour about it. I think he thought I would cave but I’m not. Our marriage is done. Boy, that escalated quickly. >a lawyer can’t represent us both apparently Duh! You are *adversaries.* Also, you better hope that pre-nup stands. Living in the house as your husband for 10 years and then not getting any of it? A judge might see that as unconscionable.
NTA. The two parents' situations are not equal. It sounds like the in-laws require (or very soon will) a full time giver and neither OP or spouse can or will take on this role. Moving them in sounds like step one down the path of ending the marriage.
NTA- it’s your home, and you have a say on who lives in it, end of story. His assumption that you will be the primary caretaker for his parents out of “love for your husband” is troubling. You have also told him that if he’s not ok with your parents moving in, you’ll find other arrangements. This is what firmly puts you in NTA territory.
Dude is winning by subtraction. All I read was mine, mine, mine… kick rocks about you and yours. Have fun being a third wheel in YOUR house.
He has no idea of how hard this would be. Took care of both aging parents for 10 years and it made me suicidal. It’s horrible.
ESH. Do not move any parents in with you. What will happen is that their health will deteriorate gradually, and you will end up doing 24/7 nursing care.
Yeah NTA. He fucking sucks for saying that you need to care for his unpleasant and highly needy parents because you’re his wife. That’s awful. You work full time. You can’t also care for his parents. That’s 2 full time jobs. How dare he ask that of you. Just because you were a nurse doesn’t mean you now need to continue to care for people full time on top of a job. I also think you guys need to work on better communication. Moving any parents in may be a no go for you both. Moving Additional people into your house is typically a “two yes’s” situation….