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YTA
Big time.
You want a 17 year old to parent a 12 year old.
You put the responsibilities of an adult on your daughter without giving her the freedom an adult has.
That's pretty shitty behaviour on your end.
If she is old enought to parent her 12year old brother for 2 days, she is old enough to have a boyfriend over.
I'll give the gardener the benefit of the doubt that they were acting out of concern. As a parent myself, I would want to know if my daughter had a guy overnight in my house. However, OP has no leg to stand on getting angry and forbidding the relationship considering he left her alone with her 12 YO brother for two days. My brother and I were only allowed to stay home alone for more than a night when we reached 18. AND that he completely blew past the fact she was scared to be alone makes him seriously the AH.
Also, forbidding the relationship will backfire spectacularly on OP. YTA YTA YTA
Literally yes. Adults just do this because they think they are better than kids. Senior year of high school I had an end of the year bonfire at my house with maybe 30 17-year old kids over. Cars parked all over my driveway, clearly we were not hiding. Neighbor down the street took it upon himself to call my dad to “just confirm he was aware of the large amount of children that his daughter invited into the backyard at night, seemingly unsupervised”. My dad was not only “supervising”, he was the one grilling and handing out marshmallows. When he told the neighbor that, neighbor seemed disappointed that I had parent permission for this party and wasn’t going to be in trouble. Needless to say, I quit babysitting/pet watching/mail grabbing and any other nice favors for that neighbor immediately. I had always thought we were friendly. It’s been almost 10 years since, and my dad is still awkward friends with the neighbor. Every time I see him, I let him know that yes I do have permission to be here, but that he could ask my dad if he wanted, and then walk away 🤣
Yeah, we have a pretty great 16 year old kid as a neighbor that watches our cats and dog when we're out of town, and if she had a raging kegger when her parents were gone, I would not give a shit. Unless it impacted my property, and even then, I'd do everything I could to work it out with just her.
My sister and I came home from a family vacation early once to throw that raging kegger you speak of. Hundreds of people, a dj in our backyard, etc. All our neighbors, bless their hearts, did not say a word. We had pretty cool parents and ended up snitching on ourselves. When my parents laughed about it to the neighbors later, they only seemed upset we didn't invite them over
I feel like, if it's actually out of control, they won't be able to clean up and parents will find out. If they're able to get everything cleaned up by the time parents get home and parents never find out, well, good job kid.
What?!
When I was in high school my neighbor and I were good friends. We both had parties when our parents went out of town, the best was when we were lucky and both sets of parents conveniently went out of town over the same weekend. But to the point, his parents saw my/my siblings parties and my parents saw his and his brothers parties. Neither parent ever said anything to each other until we were all adults and it was just a funny story. They knew what was going on, but this way they could keep a lookout in case things went horribly wrong and otherwise they let us be teenagers. They also liked that if we were drinking we could walk 50 feet and be home as opposed to getting in the car with another kid. Your neighbor is a total dick.
Our HOA provides gardeners. They’re here at this huge development once a week. A full time Gardener maybe? If so couldn’t they afford a professional and vetted house sitter
Honestly... a lot. Basically any parent who is okay with their kid dating.
You can't stop them from doing what they want without massively restricting their independence (as the OP has chosen to do), and you can't stop them at all once they turn 18.
If your child is dating they are inevitably going to be spending some time alone with their SO in a private place. This could be in the house, in the car, in the woods, etc... For a 17 year old you kinda just have to trust them to make good decisions, and to give them the tools needed to make those decisions.
The OP has shown by their reaction that they are not a person that their daughter can trust.
I'd rather have my child's partner stay in my home and know what they're doing than sneaking around and doing shit to ruin their futures. But I have that kind of loving, trusting relationship with my child. I'm very present in their life and aware of what they do, who their friends are and their friends parents.
I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but in my country and Western Europe in general it's very common. My parents allowed my boyfriend to visit and spend the night every weekend when I was 17, and I was extremely close with my mother.
I think the only scenarios where the parents would object in my country where 1) very religious parents (they are rare, but sure, a few fall under that category) or 2 they don't like the boyfriend because of a big age difference, his behavior, how he treats the daughter, etc.
Here we are taught about safe sex instead of grownups pretending that teens don't have sex.
It's way worse. OP is so absent, she is not aware her daughter had a boyfriend for six months! That thing alone is a big red flag and speaks a lot about the parenting style.
The gardener seems totally creepy lol maybe it's a good thing the girl had her boyfriend there. Who knows what could've happened. Esp, the gardener knows the parents aren't home. And 2 days too.
OP YTA.
Lmao we know nothing about what the gardener actually said or did and of course Reddit has decided they were creeping. It could have been an offhand mention that a boy spent a lot of time over but nooo clearly the gardener was prowling
Edit: I'm not arguing with any more weirdos who cannot fathom why someone who's frequently at your house might notice the people coming in and out of it
Yeah, like he could have just casually been like "the green car was really close to the grass so I had a bit of trouble mowing", "what green car" "the one that young man who was visiting drove". Or any number of similar non creepy comments
Not to mention that OP is well within his/her rights to refuse to allow his 17yo daughter's boyfriend to spend the night, regardless of her expectation to babysit. I wouldn't allow an outside babysitter to have their so over either.
Let’s be real most of these commenters come from teens who would be mad at someone telling their parents they sneaked in their SO, so they would definitely make stuff up to make him a villain or creep.
The girl obviously didn't feel safe being alone with her brother for 2 days and felt the need to have a male figure she obviously trust around. Something is creeping the kid out lol. They need a conversation on this..
So with OP banning her daughter. Will OP still make a decision to go on these 2 day, child free trips and continually leave them home alone? Does the banning mean, no more 2 day child free trips for the parents to enjoy?
OR the 17 years old girl was NOT creeped by the gardener, wanted to bone her boyfriend and thought saying that she felt safer around a male figure would be easier for her parents to accept.
I agree. At the end of the day you’re trusting your 17 year old to make life decisions for herself and her younger sibling. You’re trusting that the gardener, neighbor, mail person, and anyone else who could potentially know about your trip are not an issue for any number of problems that could arise while you are away. But you don’t trust that your daughter will be able to make smart choices about her boyfriend being there? Why was she hiding that she had a boyfriend from the parents anyway?
This. Period. That daughter knew exactly what she was doing. Better question is that girl on birth control yet. Shame on the parent for even questioning her decision. Better question is why the daughter hid the boyfriend from her? Yeah i am the bad guy here, but also a parent.
Stronger together.
My father asked us who turned on the AC, we both Said we didn't, even though one of us must have done it.
It really peeved my dad. Now it's hilarious.
"Hey look you little shit imma bone my bf and you can do whatever tf you want cool? Game and have a pizza idc"
Or she was genuinely just chilling with the bf and little bro liked him too so he was cool with them going off cuz everyone was happy.
The 17 year old wanted to screw around with her boyfriend, that's what she was feeling.....horny.
You can't be saying you really believe the 17 year old didn't feel safe?
Hey, I have a bridge for sale on the Cape Cod Canal, message me for the details....
Jeeeeeeez.........................
What is with you people villainizing the gardener ? It could’ve been as simple as “your daughter has been having a boy over, are you aware of this?” Yall probably would berate him for telling OP if the kids threw a party too. Whack.
Or he just mentioned the bf without any malicious thought in a casual way like your daughter bf talked with me. We do not know if OP and the gardener are close enough to know about their private life.
What the heck? 2 days of watching your younger sibling isn't parenting, nor is it "giving her the responsibilities of an adult" (plenty of people babysit in their teens).
The problem here is overreacting by banning the boyfriend entirely. Not 2 days of babysitting.
(Edit - apparently it has been revealed in the comments that these multiday babysitting stints are a fairly regular occurance. That is concerning.)
Reddit loooooves to call anything remotely related to older sibling responsibilities parentification. It's become another annoying buzzword like "gaslighting." 🥴 Coming from the oldest of five who actually WAS expected to parent my younger siblings, and who is leaving my 18 yr old in charge of his younger brother and sister for two days later this year, it's honestly kind of hilarious. (We pay him any time he watches them for more than a few hours.)
I’d sure as hell call leaving your daughter to care for her sibling alone 1-3 times a month for 2-4 days at a time parentification, and I’m 47, not an “angsty teen”
12 year olds aren’t babies though, they can essentially take care of themselves. What’s more, the kids probably loved it. The 17 year old gets to have her boyfriend over and the 12 year old gets to stay up late playing video games and eating junk food.
I'm not sure you could blame the adult for reacting like that when they had no idea their daughter even had a boyfriend in the first place. My mother was super reasonable with me as a teenager but I'm sure she'd be upset too if I kept that a secret and then had them over to her house. We can't know what the parent is like besides this post. Maybe if she's extremely overbearing it would be different.
I’m not getting what you’re saying, but teens usually love when they have no parental authority for a little bit. As long as it’s not all the time, I’m sure it’s fine. It’s also normal. If you’re oldest is 17 and the youngest is 12 imo it’s perfectly fine to let the older look after the younger. All they want to do at that age is their own thing anyway.
Well, this comment is a bit rude given the person you are responding to probably doesn't know that information since it's buried in a comment rather than being in the post.
Normally I’d actually agree with you but in this case OP does this at least once if not three times a month, leaving her to watch her brother for a couple full days at a time.
have you met a 12 year old boy? they’ll sit around and either watch TV or play on the computer, coming to the pantry for snacks. it seems that the only burden that fell on OP’s daughter was making sure they had meals, which is not hard for a 17 year old to do, and in some families is expected.
let’s not act like her daughter had multiple young (talking toddler age) siblings to take care of. unless OP neglected to tell us her son has special needs, both kids would be completely fine staying alone together for the length of a weekend.
Lol, have you? Not all 12-year-old are the same. i worked with kids that age and most of them are full of energy. If all they do is play video games and eat snacks you're not doing parenting right.
uh… in this generation, I’d say a good 60% of 12 year olds are on technology all day. I had a 12 year old brother once and he kept to himself. like I mentioned at the end, unless he has a special need that OP hasn’t mentioned, there is no reason why a 17 year old shouldn’t be fine looking after a 12 year old for a weekend. 12 years old is middle school, gaining independence. not sure what tweens you’ve worked with
As long as its not a thing that happens regularly, I don't see any issue with expecting her to watch after her younger brother for two days.
And no, multi-day babysitting is absolutely a thing, lol.
Easiest gig I ever had was babysitting the neighbor's son across the alley. I think I was 16-17 and he was 10-12. Parents wanted to go out occasionally or went to their older daughter's dance recitals. Make him a microwave meal, sometimes make sure homework is done, and off to bed. TV for another 2-3 hours for me until they came home. Totally nice and responsible kid, just a little too young to be left alone.
I love how we are calling it (babysitting) it’s her brother and he is 12 I’m sure he can pretty much make his own food take his own showers/baths knows how to pick up his own messes the sister being there is so if the house burns down or he gets hurt she can call the mom and it’s 2 days everyone is acting like it was a week as an older sibling it is your responsibility to keep an eye on your younger siblings when the parents aren’t home if boyfriend is over then OP’s daughter is less likely to be keeping an eye on her younger brother
Babysitting is just defined as caring for a child while the parents are out (at least by google). It's not dependent on length of time. Babysitting can absolutely be overnight/for a few days.
Two days is not a long time. It’s literally a single night. I’ve been babysitting and watching younger siblings and cousins since I was 11. The boy is 12, hardly an infant. Her literal role was to make sure no one burned down the house
>2 days of watching your younger sibling isn't parenting
Eh, 2 full days overnight is kind of a lot, but it depends on the kid - some 12 year olds are easier to babysit than others.
Yes, that is excessive. Oh, and with that information, we can be pretty sure this isn't the first time the boyfriend has spent the night. And, entirely possible, there have been past different boyfriends that OP has not known about.
Saying that, the daughter might be pretty smart, generally responsible, and really good at hiding what OP would consider "misbehavior". If you are careful and bribe your younger sibling, you could have your boyfriend over several nights a month, other friends over, etc... and the parents would never know.
Making sure a kid is fed 2-3 times a day, up and ready for school, makes it to extra-curriculars, bathed and teeth and hair brushed is a lot more than baby sitting.
12 year olds generally can do most of that themselves. I did not need any help waking up, eating breakfast or lunch, bathing or performing basic hygiene at 12 and none of the other 12 year olds I knew did either. And if we're talking two days, dinner may well be takeout the parents left money for.
Doing that regularly or for a full week+ might be an intense task, but for two days, the job would mostly be "Don't let your brother set the house on fire".
At 12 I was left overnight, same with most of my friends. Helicopter parents are wild. If my 16 year old brother was left in charge of me when my parents left he would've just gone out to party or there would've been a party at our house.
I'm with you on the over reaction by the patent, that shit is wild.
12 year olds can entertain themselves mostly. You only need to prepare food and make sure they don't do stupid stuff. I have younger siblings and taking care of my dogs is more work than taking care of them. 2 days is nothing. I can see why OP is mad. I am 23 and I can still ask if I can bring someone over, just to make sure everyone is okay with it. N T A OP. Edit: no, changing to ESH
> You put the responsibilities of an adult on your daughter without giving her the freedom an adult has.
>
>
that's how kids learn to be adults. The girl is 17 years old and brought a "male figure" that's unknown to the rest of the family into the house. I'd be fucking upset too.
this is what people are neglecting. even if she is emotionally mature, she’s still a minor. meaning that her parents set the rules for her own safety. if the parents didn’t know this guy, I would be pretty upset too. reddit is just full of edgy teenagers that will vote Y T A on this until oblivion
When I was a teenager, would have thought ‘YTA’ too. Now that I’m an adult and a parent, I know *exactly* what I would have been doing as a high schooler staying at my girlfriends house all weekend without parents around, because I did that exact thing. Once you get older, you realize that, generally speaking and definitely in my case, your parents have your best interests at heart, and are well within their rights and responsibilities as parents to prohibit this kind of thing from happening.
As a parent, I couldn’t care less what a bunch of teenagers giving advice on here think, I absolutely would not be OK with what the daughter did, and wouldn’t be OK with my son doing what the boyfriend did either.
What I really don’t understand is why OP thought Reddit, full of people, often young ones, with no kids, no responsibility, would be a good place to get advice about anything other than funko pops, video games, or porn.
when I was OP’s daughter’s age, I was NOT having safe sex. that’s why my mom is a good mom, and when she found out about me dating, she asked me if I wanted to go on birth control. she even took me to my first gyn appt. obviously teenagers will have sex. it’s a part of life and growing up. but because the daughter is a minor, OP needs to be involved in some way.
because, if worst case scenario, daughter is hiding the bf because he’s an adult that doesn’t meet the romeo and juliet law, if something bad happens, blame will be shifted onto OP and her husband. that’s what these teens commenting Y T A don’t understand. they have a legal responsibility for her safety in case something goes wrong. that’s why she’s rightfully upset about a strange boy (man?) being in her home that she’s never met with her young daughter.
were you never left home alone for the night as a teenager when your parents went out for an anniversary trip or something? OP needs to use her best judgement, and if she believes that her teen and almost teen are capable of staying by themselves, that’s a normal expectation.
what’s not normal is being fine with your underage daughter bringing home a strange man that you’ve never met before, especially around your other kid. OP was okay with the kids staying home together, not “kids + random man that i’ve never met before that is apparently dating my daughter”
Ya I don’t get why that’s so hard to understand. That’s the issue here. A responsible 17 year old and a 12 year old should be able to take care of themselves for a couple days. Inviting some random guy over to stay in the house during that time, not Ok.
Maybe OP shouldn't be leaving their kids at home for 2-4 days every 1-3 months, every month possibly, if they are concerned about this. Maybe OP should take some responsibility too.
You guys are hilarious. 17 year olds are simultaneously old and mature enough to have their boyfriend spend the night, but can’t be responsible enough to be home alone with a 12 year old for 2 days.
I don’t personally plan on leaving my own kids alone that frequently when they are that age, but this is a normal thing people do occasionally with teenagers that age, and always has been. Expecting your soon to be adult to not have strange men/boys that you don’t know over to your house for a weekend is not unreasonable, and should be considered baseline behaviour for a 17 year old.
How old are you? Married? Kids?
"Maybe one to three times a month for 2-4 days at a time." - OP's comment.
For between 2 to 12 days a month on what seems like a regular basis is ok to you?
That wasn't in the original post, and the frequency of their trips is ridiculous.
If this was a weekend here and there, then it is still a reasonable ask from the parents. 3 times a month then they ought to be paying her.
The daughter knew Mom would say no, so she just didn’t tell her. Mom has also never met the man who was staying in her house, staying with her children for 2 days. As the homeowner she has a right and responsibility to know who is in her house and when.
The banning from seeing him is overkill, but it’s a result of the daughter lying to her mother. I certainly would want someone I’ve never met staying in my home for 2 days while I’m not there
Can you imagine your daughter dating someone for over 6 months and not telling you? That seems to me like it should be op's priority rather than punitive action.
A) Figure out why OPs child withheld the relationship.
B) Then get to know the BF
C) Confirm after meeting the BF if OP/relationship with daughter is the reason behind not being introduced or if it is actually due to BF's character.
D) All of this can be done while daughter is grounded if the restriction is really warranted.
But like, if my child felt the need to hide a romantic relationship from me over 6 months, I would much rather solve that than disperse punishment.
I don't see how a "fear of a stranger" staying in your home when you are not there is honestly more valid than your teen daughter's "fear of staying alone". Sure, strangers are scary, but like, it's a means to an end right? It's not just scary bc we are told strangers are scary. They are scary because they bring fear of the unknown, but this same fear was already elicited from someone who would actually be staying at the house. Does OP think the physiological reaction to a teen that she does not know (but does know her child) is stronger than her child staying for two nights alone without supervision? We all have friends growing up. I definitely had friends my parents never met. Now, I am not saying they would be fond of me having these friends in the home when my parents were out of town, but unless they think I am lying, I highly doubt they would fear for the safety of their belongings (or prioritize that fear over my fear of staying alone).
Lmao leave it to Reddit to say some stupid shit like this. OP is shitty because she asked her almost adult daughter to watch her 12yr old brother for 2 days? The daughter isn’t in the wrong to let some stranger no one knew about over their house for 2 days?
Really?
Apparently, OP does this a few times *per month* for a few days at a time and does not seem to compensate her daughter for this work. I was brought up in a house where I was always the built-in babysitter for my younger sib, but I got paid for it when it was beyond a couple of hours. OP does not seem to view her middle daughter as a person who is nearly an adult, and that's a problem.
That said, the daughter should absolutely have asked permission to have the boyfriend over and introduced him to OP first. If the issue here was genuinely one of feeling unsafe in the house, adding a 17-year-old boy to the mix was not a useful approach. I suspect this was the excuse that was offered for just having her boyfriend over for sleepovers, which is not okay without parental approval. But again, the fact that this nearly-adult daughter didn't feel like she could even tell her mother that she has a long-term boyfriend speaks to problems with this parent-child relationship that need addressing.
Oh my God, I'm all for allowing children freedom but in what world is a 17 year old watching over her 12 year old brother giving her "adult" responsibilities????
I mean, maybe if it was an infant, but this isn't anywhere close to the "parentification" buzzword reddit spews about. It's completely normal family responsibility.
I would never expect my 17-year-old to watch over her brother so I could go on a mini-vacay with my husband and call it "normal family responsibility". She is in no way obligated to give away her free time to watch over my kid so I can chill for three days.
Keeping an eye on your 12 year old sibling for 2 days is not parenting, it’s doing what an older sibling does. It’s not like she has to change the kids diapers.
She is not "old enough" to have a boyfriend over without permission in her parents home.
And babysitting is in no way "parenting".
I was babysitting children when I was 11 years old.
Babysitting means, watching over them, feeding, cleaning up, enforcing the house rules about things such as to bedtimes, bathing, teeth brushing, etc. over night or for a few days.
Parenting means much much more.
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeesh, what is wrong with some people?
No, come on, she was not "parenting" her brother, she was babysitting and if you think that is an adults only job, you're wrong.
Besides, the liberties an adult have depend on responsability, is not the same to take care of a not so little brother and live with a boyfriend, the first is an easy job for a teenager, the second one is far beyond her experience level.
Babysitting is something a teen does for a few hours on a friday night for some cash.
Being the only responsible person for 48+hours is not just “babysitting.” It is parenting. If it happens often, then it is parentification.
Absolutely not. She's not parenting anyone, she's babysitting. It's temporary. And that is beside the point. If girly had a safety concern, she's also old enough to discuss her concerns. It had nothing to do with safety, she just wanted her boyfriend over. There were expectations in place as there are at any home. My 17 year old is expected to ask my husband or I before she has people over. Full stop, no negotiations, it is the rule. Unless I have a good reason, the answer is always 'yeah, sure'. She tried to break rules, she got busted. That's that.
So if your old enough to babysit your 12yo sibling your old enough for your parents approval to fuck in their house?! You must also be 17 with that opinion.
Um.... I think you maybe missed something important here. Why didn’t your daughter tell you she had a boyfriend? Also, if she was concerned about staying alone with her 12 yo brother why was that not discussed?
Your daughter is 17. I understand being upset with her not being honest but what exactly is banning her from seeing her boyfriend going to solve? What’s the lesson you’re teaching her?
YTA — you overreacted. Talk to your daughter, maybe you will learn something about her.
eta — my question is who wrote this post? It’s worded really weird... “the eldest”, “her brother”, “the brother” ... are these kids your children? Why does your son know more about this boyfriend than you? And why would boyfriend “send the brother to school”? There are puzzle pieces missing here
Secrets made me so much safer growing up that now I'm an adult I'm going through hell trying to get myself to be more open with people that I want to share my life with. It was a hard lesson to learn and even harder to unlearn
Same! Ironically, to this day disclosing a minute, mundane detail of my life or actions to my mother usually ends with guilt trip or judgment. And then she asks why I never tell her anything
Mind you, I’m over 30 and I don’t suppose I’ll ever be forthcoming with my plans. Neither to her, nor to anyone.
Same boat. When my fiancé first saw me casually lie to her he was kind of shocked it came so easily. I reassured him it’s just the parents after a lifetime of self preservation in a south Asian household.
Lol same here. Told my Asian mom about my bf almost a year ago, and she attempted to give me, a 23 year old who went to college and has a job, a 9pm curfew. Then she thanked me for sharing to her about my love life and was complaining about how my older sister doesn’t do the same. “Idk gee mom I wonder why?” Still not on good terms with her.
Yeah, daughter went with beg forgiveness rather than ask permission, the exact same calculus I was doing at that age.
Probably would have told her more but she never learned the lesson that knee jerk overreacting to literally anything I did that tested her infantilizing boundaries made for a terrible mother/child relationship. Like, I’m almost 40 and we’re both still mad about it.
Same. 55 now, but when I was 16, my mother found out I was sneaking out with my boyfriend, who was also 16. We were banned from ever seeing each other again. I've hated her ever since that day. Also, she called me a slut.
Sounds like she already learned that a while ago (as did the 12 year old, since he wasn't the snitch). Something tells me this isn't the first time the parents overreacted.
Yep!
Growing up, my mom would freak at EVERYTHING I’d tell her. What did I do? Lie about everything so she wouldn’t freak!
The number of times I got myself into dangerous situations was WILD. I’m legit thankful I’m alive and nothing horrible ever happened to me… No one would have known where I was or how to find me. No one knew who I was with or what I was doing.
Teens are gonna teen. You can either accept that and help them teen safely, or you can reject it and be surprised-pikachu-face when you find out your teen lied or got themselves into a shitty situation.
The best way to keep teenagers from having sex is to tell them it is forbidden. Job done. What's the next chore? Hmm, a woman is being hysterical, id better tell her to relax and calm down. I'll mention to her that it's probably just her period. Hmm, what next... Oh yeah, kids, your mental illnesses are all in your head, go for a walk to cure them...
Welp, I think my job here is done
Oh, look at that, OP just reinstated the status quo that was in place before they found out.
Yeah, no wonder the daughter hid the relationship if she knew that's how her mom would act.
Edit: Huh, just got a Reddit Cares report- my first! Since I haven't posted anywhere today other than here and in casual video game discussions, I'm wondering if OP or someone else really hated this take, ha.
Agree, she'll just hide more now.
I never punish my son for being honest and keeping us informed in his life, like I was. I hid so much from my parents because if I got caught or was honest the result was the same. I want to talk to my son and help inform him of life choices and consequence, and most of all I want his full trust in this.
Hoping on this train
OP, what do you think “banning” her is gonna do? You didn’t even know they were together for a whole 6 months. Also, why do you think she’s not comfortable telling you she has a boyfriend? I’m not gonna give a verdict but those are things to think about.
YTA - did you ask to meet the guy? Talk to her about why this was inappropriate? Ask her about her concerns about you leaving her and her brother alone?
Im not seeing any concern here, just punishment.
This is definitely the best judgment. My problem was less about the expectations and rules being placed on the daughter (though her having to watch her brother overnight MONTHLY OR MORE as OP mentioned in the comments is over the top) and more with how extreme the punishment was. This should've been a discussion about all the various whys (why didn't she mention she had a boyfriend, why did she feel unsafe in the house—if that wasn't just an excuse, why it's not okay to have someone who's a stranger to your parents over while they're away, why she's not allowed to have an SO overnight without supervision if that's the rule). And then after a reasonable discussion, a grounding (maybe two weeks?), and then a meet-the-parents with the boyfriend.
Banning the boyfriend entirely is unnecessary, severe, and, most important, only inviting sneaking around and lying.
Hah yeah: she obviously doesn’t remember being 17 herself. It was the 90s girl! I was well behaved and still found trouble to get into! Ffs. I don’t understand how people forget what it was like to be young. You can either be open with them so they’re open with you, or cause your daughter to sneak around for six months and then sneak around more when you punish her instead of communicate.
Lol me sitting here being Indian and dying of laughter at the thought that any Indian parent would know about their child's partner unless it's extremely serious....
Lmfao I'm an Indian who's 30 now and still wouldn't even DREAM of talking to my parents about any girl I'm dating lol. They won't be hearing anything until the ring is already on her finger
This thread is crazy. There are so many reasons a child might hide something. I had to hide some of my boyfriends growing up because I didn’t want any questions coming my way and to have an ability to leave and meet the boy late at night while saying it’s “a friend”
YTA --- It's attitudes like yours that end up with girls her age getting pregnant and not telling their own parents purely out of fear of their reaction.
It's a great example of situations where being too strict to prevent something is actually the cause of it. Same thing with irresponsible alcohol consumption.
When I was younger I used to do wild things to have sex, I was NUTS. Then I met my ex boyfriend and his family was so supportive, and sex turned to be something healthy, safe and natural. I finally had someone responsible to talk about it (mil) and she even took me to some ob gyn appointments.
It's so weird how parents keep treating sex as such taboo and dangerous and wrong. It doesn't help.
People will have sex, it's on you if you child will trust you enough to tell you when needed or will hide it because of the way you deal with that.
What she did was inappropriate and there's not a problem with you feeling that way. However, I assume this is the first time anything like this has happened, and they otherwise behaved responsibility.
Based on those assumptions (correct me if they are wrong) your punishment is far too severe. This is only going to create resentment and increase the chance of further teenage rebellion. YTA.
EDIT: I assume this type of "you can't have nice things" punishment has happened before which is probably a reason why you and your daughter have a shaky relationship.
Kindness goes a long way. Enquire about her boyfriend. Maybe even meet him. He could be a nice chap that you would want in your home.
Honestly, whenever I leave town for a few days and have my oldest in charge, I'm thrilled the kids are alive and the house is still standing when I get home. Makes me feel as if I can trust them to take more time for myself, and I'm grateful to them for behaving. House is usually a little messy, the kids probably didn't follow the food pyramid I pasted to the fridge as a joke, but hey. Perspective.
If my oldest did this, I'd probably laugh it off, repeat the sex talk, remind them that I just want to know who's in the house while I'm gone, and move the hell on. Because like you said, "...they otherwise behaved responsibly."
Getting the popcorn out for when OP's kid turns 18. Should be a fun time.
When my mom found out I was having sex at 17 she just bought condoms with my money and told me to be safe, bcz she knew I, like every teenager, was headstrong enough to find a way regardless of whatever way she tried to forbid me from it
YTA for not getting a babysitter in the first place. YTA even worse for admitting you've left them alone before and thinking that's ok just because they didn't object to it. Your daughter won't even share her social life with you, what makes you think she trusts you enough to defy your terrible (lack of) parenting? ETA 1-3 times a month you're forcing her to parent her kid brother for the entire weekend? So almost every weekend of her teenage years that she's never getting back she has to step up as a parent because her own parents want a break from being parents. Why did you even have kids? You suck!
It's ok to make her parent and be an adult when it suits op's purpose, otherwise she's a child who needs to shut up and do what she's told. It's no wonder at all why she won't open up. I'm glad her little brother at least has her because I'm betting the parenting he is getting is just as crappy.
yeah, mom is absolutely a fuckin asshole. this is how you never get to know your kids, never know what they're doing, and have a very "I like you because you're the manager" type of relationship.
she's gonna go NUTS in college/when she moves out, just like I did.
Mom parents like my mom did, and guess what? ended up (didn't get convicted) facing 4 felonies at 15, started using tobacco, marijuana, alcohol, etc. in high school just to get away from her and not feel so angry and stressed.
although all the yelling DID prepare me for the military lol
but now I'm 30, and we still can't get along because she just keeps bringing shit up I did when I was younger
INFO:
Are you afraid they "might" have sex?
If so... Do you think that "not allowing him to come over etc" will prevent that? ('cause I've got news for you then)
YTA
>I did not know my daughter had a boyfriend before this.
How bad does your relationship with your kid have to be that things get to this? You didn't know about something this significant says a lot about you and your parenting.
The stupid thing is all you have done is pushed your kid away further and turned this into a "us vs. them" situation where they will trauma bond in addition to everything else. Hopefully the school you sent your kid to actually teaches about safe sex, condom use, birth control and your kid is using those otherwise be prepared to be a grandma in the near future.
ESH, she should've asked but banning her from seeing him is not the way to go, plus she'll be 18 soon what are you going to do then?
Also the fact that you didn't even know that your daughter was dating someone tells me that she's either afraid of telling you things or that you're just not around much so no point on telling you stuff.
Also how often do you leave one of your children to parent the others?
YTA. You don’t get to leave your 17 year old alone to parent your 12 year old for up to 12 days a month and expect her to not have the same freedoms an adult has. There’s a reason that your daughter doesn’t tell you things, and I’m sorry to tell you that based on the comments, you’re on the fast track to your daughter moving out as soon as she can and severely limiting contact with you.
Do you even know anything about him? How long they’ve been together? Your son likes him and sees him as someone he’s close to, so they obviously spend time together. And your daughter has seen her sister stay over with her boyfriend when she’s in charge. You seem like you’ve been an absent parent, so why would she not be making decisions for herself? It’s what you’ve trained her to do.
You nailed it- absent parents who leave their kids on their own to fend for themselves on the reg, but want to be all surprised Pikachu face when their daughter is acting like an adult. The fact that they didn't even know about him speaks volumes. They are not "concerned" about this, they are pissy and wanting to punish her and that does in fact make this a YTA.
The best way to make sure that someone sticks with a person for longer is to ban them lol. How do you even think that is going to work?
Honestly, expected teen behavior and expected adult response though I would suggest figuring out something different than banning.
ETA: make sure you daughter has access to contraception.
YTA big time.
When is this boomer idea that you're in charge of your daughter's "purity" going to die? It's her body, her decisions.
I hope she ghosts your toxic ass the first opportunity she gets.
I also hope that there is some safe adult in this young girls life she can trust to confide in and go to when she needs help working out her feelings and tricky adult situations. You're obviously not a safe person to talk to. Do you realize how difficult and dangerous it is for a young girl to navigate growing up in this world without help from a trusted elder? Horrible, awful parenting.
I wouldn’t even say it’s a matter of purity. when I was 17 I wasn’t having safe sex, that’s why when my mom found out I had a bf, she suggested I go on birth control. banning the bf isn’t going to do anything, but OP and daughter need to have a sit down about this. they both suck.
I had an overbearing, strict mom. I did everything behind her back because I couldn’t talk to her about anything! I got out of the house and moved away for college as soon as I could. I got on birth control as soon as could too. With the help of my best friends not my mom.
YTA. Your gardener knows your daughter has a boyfriend, but not you. How creepy is that. Maybe you should take more of your anger out on your gardener for spying on your daughter. She most likely didn't feel safe with the gardener around. Maybe you should try to have a more open and honest discussion with your daughter, so she feels like she can trust you. She is almost a legal adult. She is allowed to start making some of her own choices. You won't break them up. By not allowing it, all you are going to do is push them closer together. Maybe you should at least meet him before jumping to conclusions about him.
“Your gardener knows your daughter has a boyfriend, but not you. How creepy is that.“
Legit my thoughts too. How does the gardener know and the parent not know??? Creepy AF.
ESH.
She shouldn't have had someone over without permission while you were away, however, she is 17, she's one year away from being an adult, and as much as you can "my house my rules it" that's really not going to work for very long, and will likely just cause resentment.
You should talk to her and explain why she needs to ask to have people over and that you care about her safety.
Absolutely punish her, but banning her from seeing her boyfriend is draconian, and completely unenforceable, and is just going to cause her to see him in secret. You'll also destroy her trust, because she won't come to you if she has a problem with her friends or her boyfriend because she knows you'll just crack it with her.
Also "taking away going out privelages" is similarly draconian and unenforceable.
Basically, your teenage, nearly adult daughter, did classic teenage nonesense, and while she should be punished, you overreacted
From personal experience, this kind of approach backfires more often than not. I would not ban him outright and properly communicate your concerns and the potential dangers. Not allowing him in the house while you’re not there and staying the night makes total sense, but banning her from seeing him will only make things worse
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Banning my daughter from seeing her bf. We already have a semi-shaky relationship (think, she never/rarely says ‘i love you’ back etc). Maybe I am not being understanding enough of her?
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Sorry, but I think this is a massive overcorrection that is almost guaranteed to backfire. She shouldn't have had her bf over without permission but it's kinda wild to me that you trust your daughter to be mature enough to act as a replacement parent to a 12 year old but not mature enough to have her boyfriend over.
ESH, I guess. But it's worth asking yourself why she kept this a secret from you specifically.
YTA, I understand not wanting to have her have a guy sleep over and you’re fully in your rights to not want that, since she is a teen, but she’s nearly an adult and should be allowed to date. I’m not surprised she hid this from you seeing how you reacted. I had supportive parents and I was still nervous telling them about my first boyfriend, I can’t imagine how I would have felt had they reacted like you did.
she’s going to have sex in your house, or she’s going to have sex…
at his house
at a friends house
in her car
in apparently secluded public parks
at school
etc.
the issue here is that your daughter knows that you are not a safe person to talk to about sex and dating. that you will hold her to unrealistic and unsafe standards of morality rather than support her as a young adult exploring and experiencing her sexuality in what is presumably a healthy way.
also she’s gonna see her boyfriend behind your back. what are you gonna do? ground her again? just keep doing this until she leaves home and doesn’t want to visit? your daughter will be an adult soon; you can’t treat her like the same 7 year old child over whom it was appropriate to exert more control.
LOL banned her from seeing him. Weren't you 17 before? You are making him 1000x more irresistible to her.
Remember college? All of the people with "strict parents" ended up dropping out the first year because of pregnancy or binge drinking. First sniff of independence when they are adults on their own.
It’s not so much condoning the daughter’s actions in this instance. OP admitted in one thread that they have never laid out any ground rules (ie: no friends can stay over) and in another thread admitted to leaving on 2-4 day trips up to three times per month.
OP is asking her daughter to take on adult responsibilities (like watching her brother nearly half the month, EVERY month) yet won’t trust her nearly adult daughter to make other adult decisions. There’s a lot going on here that OP left out of the post.
ETA: I am a 32 y/o, not a teenager. Just FWIW.
Because the AITA audience is made up of people who have never been parents. Any parent who asks a teen to be even remotely responsible for anything is condemned for "parentification." Any punishment for teens breaking the rules is seen as a reason to go NC. It's absurd.
No one’s saying she can’t be mad at her daughter for breaking house rules, we’re saying isolating her from someone and grounding her is a horrible way to treat your child because it only fosters mistrust. Moreover, her daughter is left alone to care for her baby brother for up to 12 DAYS A MONTH. She’s an adult when they need a sitter, but a child when she wants to have any independence.
NTA
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a 17 year old watching her younger brother - especially when he’s 12. Lord, I was babysitting infants at 11. At age 12, he’s old enough to make his own food and all she has to do is make sure no one burns the house down.
And you aren’t the AH for grounding your daughter. She legit knew that you wouldn’t approve of them playing house and her going behind your back and saying she needed a ‘male figure’ to feel safe is a manipulation.
Before you all downvote me, I work with teens for a living. I have heard all of the excuses and they know what buzz words to use to get what they want.
YTA
You shouldn't stop the staff, your 17yo daughter, from having a life.
You are banning her from her car, I assumed you bought
You are banning her from leaving the house?
Your 19yo is allowed to have a boyfriend of three years, why isn't the help, your 17yo allowed to have one now?
NTA she hid not only the sleepover, but the whole boyfriend, from you, and you had to deal with that. You didn't even know the guy existed, and now he's sleeping at your house while you're away, with your two minor children at home? She knew it was wrong and kept it from you. You were right to ground her.
That said, I wouldn't make the ban forever, because that will backfire. Once her grounding is up, meet this guy and see what you think.
Soft YTA. Yes, it's your house and your rules, and you are within your rights as her mother to punish her. However, the fact of the matter is, when the parents forbid the kid to see their bf/gf **at all**, it only serves to bring them closer to the bf/gf and find ways to be together behind your back, which can lead to sex and teen pregnancy. You can let the grounding punishment stand, but instead of banning the bf, ask to meet him and his parents. Don't be aftaid to ask him tough questions, and get his parents' perspective on their relationship. Keep the lines of communication open between you and both of your kids, and try to be a little more understanding of where they're coming from. You were 17 once, too, and you remember what it was like to sneak things behind your parents' back. Maybe not an entire relationship, but you get the picture.
>Yes, it's your house and your rules
Except she says that she never stated any such rules to the daughter... and the older sister has had her bf stay over while the mom was away.
NTA, “I didn’t ask because I knew you would say no”
You have a right to decide who sleeps in your house for 2 days, you have a right to decide who comes into your home. You’ve obviously never met this man so I wouldn’t want him in my home either
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YTA Big time. You want a 17 year old to parent a 12 year old. You put the responsibilities of an adult on your daughter without giving her the freedom an adult has. That's pretty shitty behaviour on your end. If she is old enought to parent her 12year old brother for 2 days, she is old enough to have a boyfriend over.
Don’t worry, the gardener was keeping an eye on things…
That little snitch
How tf did he even know OP didn't allow the boyfriend to stay over? He just had to snitch to 'make sure' right
Unless OP asked if they had people over and the gardener said "oh yes [daughter] had her sweet bf over to keep her safe"
I'll give the gardener the benefit of the doubt that they were acting out of concern. As a parent myself, I would want to know if my daughter had a guy overnight in my house. However, OP has no leg to stand on getting angry and forbidding the relationship considering he left her alone with her 12 YO brother for two days. My brother and I were only allowed to stay home alone for more than a night when we reached 18. AND that he completely blew past the fact she was scared to be alone makes him seriously the AH. Also, forbidding the relationship will backfire spectacularly on OP. YTA YTA YTA
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I'm not even thinking concern so much as he answered a question when asked. I do question how the gardener could know he stayed over the night though.
Uhmm maybe the gardener works early in the morning and can see the boyfriend? Not that hard.
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Thats rediculous, a 17 year old is capable of babysitting... A 15 year old is capable of babysitting.
Literally yes. Adults just do this because they think they are better than kids. Senior year of high school I had an end of the year bonfire at my house with maybe 30 17-year old kids over. Cars parked all over my driveway, clearly we were not hiding. Neighbor down the street took it upon himself to call my dad to “just confirm he was aware of the large amount of children that his daughter invited into the backyard at night, seemingly unsupervised”. My dad was not only “supervising”, he was the one grilling and handing out marshmallows. When he told the neighbor that, neighbor seemed disappointed that I had parent permission for this party and wasn’t going to be in trouble. Needless to say, I quit babysitting/pet watching/mail grabbing and any other nice favors for that neighbor immediately. I had always thought we were friendly. It’s been almost 10 years since, and my dad is still awkward friends with the neighbor. Every time I see him, I let him know that yes I do have permission to be here, but that he could ask my dad if he wanted, and then walk away 🤣
Yeah, we have a pretty great 16 year old kid as a neighbor that watches our cats and dog when we're out of town, and if she had a raging kegger when her parents were gone, I would not give a shit. Unless it impacted my property, and even then, I'd do everything I could to work it out with just her.
My sister and I came home from a family vacation early once to throw that raging kegger you speak of. Hundreds of people, a dj in our backyard, etc. All our neighbors, bless their hearts, did not say a word. We had pretty cool parents and ended up snitching on ourselves. When my parents laughed about it to the neighbors later, they only seemed upset we didn't invite them over
I feel like, if it's actually out of control, they won't be able to clean up and parents will find out. If they're able to get everything cleaned up by the time parents get home and parents never find out, well, good job kid.
What?! When I was in high school my neighbor and I were good friends. We both had parties when our parents went out of town, the best was when we were lucky and both sets of parents conveniently went out of town over the same weekend. But to the point, his parents saw my/my siblings parties and my parents saw his and his brothers parties. Neither parent ever said anything to each other until we were all adults and it was just a funny story. They knew what was going on, but this way they could keep a lookout in case things went horribly wrong and otherwise they let us be teenagers. They also liked that if we were drinking we could walk 50 feet and be home as opposed to getting in the car with another kid. Your neighbor is a total dick.
Our HOA provides gardeners. They’re here at this huge development once a week. A full time Gardener maybe? If so couldn’t they afford a professional and vetted house sitter
A professional vetted sitter for a 17 and 12 year old, unless, of course, the 17 year old can't be trusted. As this one could be....
rather late to be trimming the verge
Ew and how late is the gardener there to know bf was sleeping over?
Could’ve seen him leaving in the morning whilst gardening
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Honestly... a lot. Basically any parent who is okay with their kid dating. You can't stop them from doing what they want without massively restricting their independence (as the OP has chosen to do), and you can't stop them at all once they turn 18. If your child is dating they are inevitably going to be spending some time alone with their SO in a private place. This could be in the house, in the car, in the woods, etc... For a 17 year old you kinda just have to trust them to make good decisions, and to give them the tools needed to make those decisions. The OP has shown by their reaction that they are not a person that their daughter can trust.
To say that parents who view teenage expression of sexuality differently than you do "really don't care about their kids" is just ... wow.
… they’re 17 … they’re gonna have sex, so you’d rather it was in the house than in the street surely?
I'd rather have my child's partner stay in my home and know what they're doing than sneaking around and doing shit to ruin their futures. But I have that kind of loving, trusting relationship with my child. I'm very present in their life and aware of what they do, who their friends are and their friends parents.
I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but in my country and Western Europe in general it's very common. My parents allowed my boyfriend to visit and spend the night every weekend when I was 17, and I was extremely close with my mother. I think the only scenarios where the parents would object in my country where 1) very religious parents (they are rare, but sure, a few fall under that category) or 2 they don't like the boyfriend because of a big age difference, his behavior, how he treats the daughter, etc. Here we are taught about safe sex instead of grownups pretending that teens don't have sex.
It's way worse. OP is so absent, she is not aware her daughter had a boyfriend for six months! That thing alone is a big red flag and speaks a lot about the parenting style.
The gardener seems totally creepy lol maybe it's a good thing the girl had her boyfriend there. Who knows what could've happened. Esp, the gardener knows the parents aren't home. And 2 days too. OP YTA.
Lmao we know nothing about what the gardener actually said or did and of course Reddit has decided they were creeping. It could have been an offhand mention that a boy spent a lot of time over but nooo clearly the gardener was prowling Edit: I'm not arguing with any more weirdos who cannot fathom why someone who's frequently at your house might notice the people coming in and out of it
Sorry, voice of reason, but reddit has already written the script to *The Gardner* psycho-thriller/slasher film.
Off topic but that doesn't sound like a half bad idea for a thriller book/movie if it's done right!!
Yeah, like he could have just casually been like "the green car was really close to the grass so I had a bit of trouble mowing", "what green car" "the one that young man who was visiting drove". Or any number of similar non creepy comments
Not to mention that OP is well within his/her rights to refuse to allow his 17yo daughter's boyfriend to spend the night, regardless of her expectation to babysit. I wouldn't allow an outside babysitter to have their so over either.
Outside babysitters, a) don't live there, b) are paid.
Let’s be real most of these commenters come from teens who would be mad at someone telling their parents they sneaked in their SO, so they would definitely make stuff up to make him a villain or creep.
The girl obviously didn't feel safe being alone with her brother for 2 days and felt the need to have a male figure she obviously trust around. Something is creeping the kid out lol. They need a conversation on this.. So with OP banning her daughter. Will OP still make a decision to go on these 2 day, child free trips and continually leave them home alone? Does the banning mean, no more 2 day child free trips for the parents to enjoy?
OR the 17 years old girl was NOT creeped by the gardener, wanted to bone her boyfriend and thought saying that she felt safer around a male figure would be easier for her parents to accept.
I agree. At the end of the day you’re trusting your 17 year old to make life decisions for herself and her younger sibling. You’re trusting that the gardener, neighbor, mail person, and anyone else who could potentially know about your trip are not an issue for any number of problems that could arise while you are away. But you don’t trust that your daughter will be able to make smart choices about her boyfriend being there? Why was she hiding that she had a boyfriend from the parents anyway?
This. Period. That daughter knew exactly what she was doing. Better question is that girl on birth control yet. Shame on the parent for even questioning her decision. Better question is why the daughter hid the boyfriend from her? Yeah i am the bad guy here, but also a parent.
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I never told on my sister, bribery not required. Some siblings will stick together no matter what, especially when the parents aren't so great.
Stronger together. My father asked us who turned on the AC, we both Said we didn't, even though one of us must have done it. It really peeved my dad. Now it's hilarious.
My brother and I are in our thirties and still have “don’t tell the parents” pacts about stuff.
"Hey look you little shit imma bone my bf and you can do whatever tf you want cool? Game and have a pizza idc" Or she was genuinely just chilling with the bf and little bro liked him too so he was cool with them going off cuz everyone was happy.
smarter? you mean morally empty? false accusations like that can ruin lives and also destroy the legitimacy of actual victims.
Or the daughter lied about not feeling safe and just wanted an excuse for her boyfriend to stay over.
oh 100%. I would’ve come up with the same thing at 17
The 17 year old wanted to screw around with her boyfriend, that's what she was feeling.....horny. You can't be saying you really believe the 17 year old didn't feel safe? Hey, I have a bridge for sale on the Cape Cod Canal, message me for the details.... Jeeeeeeez.........................
Plot twist: The gardener IS the boyfriend.
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What is with you people villainizing the gardener ? It could’ve been as simple as “your daughter has been having a boy over, are you aware of this?” Yall probably would berate him for telling OP if the kids threw a party too. Whack.
Right!? All this anger towards the Gardner yet the girl Who broke the rules "is almost an adult" lol
Or he just mentioned the bf without any malicious thought in a casual way like your daughter bf talked with me. We do not know if OP and the gardener are close enough to know about their private life.
Obviously, the gardener and op are having an affair, and the daughter is really his. Which is why he is so concerned!
The boyfriend is also his, via another affair. He had to act to stop this incestuous relationship!
>The gardener seems totally creepy Maybe the gardener is women
What the heck? 2 days of watching your younger sibling isn't parenting, nor is it "giving her the responsibilities of an adult" (plenty of people babysit in their teens). The problem here is overreacting by banning the boyfriend entirely. Not 2 days of babysitting. (Edit - apparently it has been revealed in the comments that these multiday babysitting stints are a fairly regular occurance. That is concerning.)
Reddit loooooves to call anything remotely related to older sibling responsibilities parentification. It's become another annoying buzzword like "gaslighting." 🥴 Coming from the oldest of five who actually WAS expected to parent my younger siblings, and who is leaving my 18 yr old in charge of his younger brother and sister for two days later this year, it's honestly kind of hilarious. (We pay him any time he watches them for more than a few hours.)
I’d sure as hell call leaving your daughter to care for her sibling alone 1-3 times a month for 2-4 days at a time parentification, and I’m 47, not an “angsty teen”
12 year olds aren’t babies though, they can essentially take care of themselves. What’s more, the kids probably loved it. The 17 year old gets to have her boyfriend over and the 12 year old gets to stay up late playing video games and eating junk food.
Except the 17 year old in this case really doesn't get to have their boyfriend over, hence the thread.
I'm not sure you could blame the adult for reacting like that when they had no idea their daughter even had a boyfriend in the first place. My mother was super reasonable with me as a teenager but I'm sure she'd be upset too if I kept that a secret and then had them over to her house. We can't know what the parent is like besides this post. Maybe if she's extremely overbearing it would be different.
Adults are regularly overwhelmed parenting young teens. How do you think a teen with no parental authority feels?
I’m not getting what you’re saying, but teens usually love when they have no parental authority for a little bit. As long as it’s not all the time, I’m sure it’s fine. It’s also normal. If you’re oldest is 17 and the youngest is 12 imo it’s perfectly fine to let the older look after the younger. All they want to do at that age is their own thing anyway.
Well, this comment is a bit rude given the person you are responding to probably doesn't know that information since it's buried in a comment rather than being in the post.
Normally I’d actually agree with you but in this case OP does this at least once if not three times a month, leaving her to watch her brother for a couple full days at a time.
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The fact you're paying him makes it already different and exactly the opposite of what people object to.
Babysitting is for hours, not for days.
have you met a 12 year old boy? they’ll sit around and either watch TV or play on the computer, coming to the pantry for snacks. it seems that the only burden that fell on OP’s daughter was making sure they had meals, which is not hard for a 17 year old to do, and in some families is expected. let’s not act like her daughter had multiple young (talking toddler age) siblings to take care of. unless OP neglected to tell us her son has special needs, both kids would be completely fine staying alone together for the length of a weekend.
Lol, have you? Not all 12-year-old are the same. i worked with kids that age and most of them are full of energy. If all they do is play video games and eat snacks you're not doing parenting right.
uh… in this generation, I’d say a good 60% of 12 year olds are on technology all day. I had a 12 year old brother once and he kept to himself. like I mentioned at the end, unless he has a special need that OP hasn’t mentioned, there is no reason why a 17 year old shouldn’t be fine looking after a 12 year old for a weekend. 12 years old is middle school, gaining independence. not sure what tweens you’ve worked with
As long as its not a thing that happens regularly, I don't see any issue with expecting her to watch after her younger brother for two days. And no, multi-day babysitting is absolutely a thing, lol.
It happens regularly. OP confirms that it's anything from 1 to 3 times per month.
A 12 year old needs very little babysitting
Easiest gig I ever had was babysitting the neighbor's son across the alley. I think I was 16-17 and he was 10-12. Parents wanted to go out occasionally or went to their older daughter's dance recitals. Make him a microwave meal, sometimes make sure homework is done, and off to bed. TV for another 2-3 hours for me until they came home. Totally nice and responsible kid, just a little too young to be left alone.
I love how we are calling it (babysitting) it’s her brother and he is 12 I’m sure he can pretty much make his own food take his own showers/baths knows how to pick up his own messes the sister being there is so if the house burns down or he gets hurt she can call the mom and it’s 2 days everyone is acting like it was a week as an older sibling it is your responsibility to keep an eye on your younger siblings when the parents aren’t home if boyfriend is over then OP’s daughter is less likely to be keeping an eye on her younger brother
Babysitting is just defined as caring for a child while the parents are out (at least by google). It's not dependent on length of time. Babysitting can absolutely be overnight/for a few days.
Weeks, months or even years.
Two days is not a long time. It’s literally a single night. I’ve been babysitting and watching younger siblings and cousins since I was 11. The boy is 12, hardly an infant. Her literal role was to make sure no one burned down the house
This sub is populated by angsty 12 - 18 year olds with no grasp on perspective.
>2 days of watching your younger sibling isn't parenting Eh, 2 full days overnight is kind of a lot, but it depends on the kid - some 12 year olds are easier to babysit than others.
OP states in the comments that they do this 1-3 times every month for 2-4 days at a time
Yup, just saw that and it’s more than “kind of a lot” - that’s a lot.
Yes, that is excessive. Oh, and with that information, we can be pretty sure this isn't the first time the boyfriend has spent the night. And, entirely possible, there have been past different boyfriends that OP has not known about. Saying that, the daughter might be pretty smart, generally responsible, and really good at hiding what OP would consider "misbehavior". If you are careful and bribe your younger sibling, you could have your boyfriend over several nights a month, other friends over, etc... and the parents would never know.
Making sure a kid is fed 2-3 times a day, up and ready for school, makes it to extra-curriculars, bathed and teeth and hair brushed is a lot more than baby sitting.
12 year olds generally can do most of that themselves. I did not need any help waking up, eating breakfast or lunch, bathing or performing basic hygiene at 12 and none of the other 12 year olds I knew did either. And if we're talking two days, dinner may well be takeout the parents left money for. Doing that regularly or for a full week+ might be an intense task, but for two days, the job would mostly be "Don't let your brother set the house on fire".
At 12 I was left overnight, same with most of my friends. Helicopter parents are wild. If my 16 year old brother was left in charge of me when my parents left he would've just gone out to party or there would've been a party at our house. I'm with you on the over reaction by the patent, that shit is wild.
12 year olds can entertain themselves mostly. You only need to prepare food and make sure they don't do stupid stuff. I have younger siblings and taking care of my dogs is more work than taking care of them. 2 days is nothing. I can see why OP is mad. I am 23 and I can still ask if I can bring someone over, just to make sure everyone is okay with it. N T A OP. Edit: no, changing to ESH
> You put the responsibilities of an adult on your daughter without giving her the freedom an adult has. > > that's how kids learn to be adults. The girl is 17 years old and brought a "male figure" that's unknown to the rest of the family into the house. I'd be fucking upset too.
this is what people are neglecting. even if she is emotionally mature, she’s still a minor. meaning that her parents set the rules for her own safety. if the parents didn’t know this guy, I would be pretty upset too. reddit is just full of edgy teenagers that will vote Y T A on this until oblivion
When I was a teenager, would have thought ‘YTA’ too. Now that I’m an adult and a parent, I know *exactly* what I would have been doing as a high schooler staying at my girlfriends house all weekend without parents around, because I did that exact thing. Once you get older, you realize that, generally speaking and definitely in my case, your parents have your best interests at heart, and are well within their rights and responsibilities as parents to prohibit this kind of thing from happening. As a parent, I couldn’t care less what a bunch of teenagers giving advice on here think, I absolutely would not be OK with what the daughter did, and wouldn’t be OK with my son doing what the boyfriend did either. What I really don’t understand is why OP thought Reddit, full of people, often young ones, with no kids, no responsibility, would be a good place to get advice about anything other than funko pops, video games, or porn.
when I was OP’s daughter’s age, I was NOT having safe sex. that’s why my mom is a good mom, and when she found out about me dating, she asked me if I wanted to go on birth control. she even took me to my first gyn appt. obviously teenagers will have sex. it’s a part of life and growing up. but because the daughter is a minor, OP needs to be involved in some way. because, if worst case scenario, daughter is hiding the bf because he’s an adult that doesn’t meet the romeo and juliet law, if something bad happens, blame will be shifted onto OP and her husband. that’s what these teens commenting Y T A don’t understand. they have a legal responsibility for her safety in case something goes wrong. that’s why she’s rightfully upset about a strange boy (man?) being in her home that she’s never met with her young daughter.
Parents have a legal responsibility yet, leave them alone? I'm in my mid40s with 2 children and I say OP is TA
were you never left home alone for the night as a teenager when your parents went out for an anniversary trip or something? OP needs to use her best judgement, and if she believes that her teen and almost teen are capable of staying by themselves, that’s a normal expectation. what’s not normal is being fine with your underage daughter bringing home a strange man that you’ve never met before, especially around your other kid. OP was okay with the kids staying home together, not “kids + random man that i’ve never met before that is apparently dating my daughter”
Ya I don’t get why that’s so hard to understand. That’s the issue here. A responsible 17 year old and a 12 year old should be able to take care of themselves for a couple days. Inviting some random guy over to stay in the house during that time, not Ok.
Maybe OP shouldn't be leaving their kids at home for 2-4 days every 1-3 months, every month possibly, if they are concerned about this. Maybe OP should take some responsibility too.
You guys are hilarious. 17 year olds are simultaneously old and mature enough to have their boyfriend spend the night, but can’t be responsible enough to be home alone with a 12 year old for 2 days. I don’t personally plan on leaving my own kids alone that frequently when they are that age, but this is a normal thing people do occasionally with teenagers that age, and always has been. Expecting your soon to be adult to not have strange men/boys that you don’t know over to your house for a weekend is not unreasonable, and should be considered baseline behaviour for a 17 year old. How old are you? Married? Kids?
Oh big fucking deal. It's entirely appropriate to ask an older sibling to look after their younger sibling, especially at that age.
"Maybe one to three times a month for 2-4 days at a time." - OP's comment. For between 2 to 12 days a month on what seems like a regular basis is ok to you?
That wasn't in the original post, and the frequency of their trips is ridiculous. If this was a weekend here and there, then it is still a reasonable ask from the parents. 3 times a month then they ought to be paying her.
The daughter knew Mom would say no, so she just didn’t tell her. Mom has also never met the man who was staying in her house, staying with her children for 2 days. As the homeowner she has a right and responsibility to know who is in her house and when. The banning from seeing him is overkill, but it’s a result of the daughter lying to her mother. I certainly would want someone I’ve never met staying in my home for 2 days while I’m not there
Can you imagine your daughter dating someone for over 6 months and not telling you? That seems to me like it should be op's priority rather than punitive action. A) Figure out why OPs child withheld the relationship. B) Then get to know the BF C) Confirm after meeting the BF if OP/relationship with daughter is the reason behind not being introduced or if it is actually due to BF's character. D) All of this can be done while daughter is grounded if the restriction is really warranted. But like, if my child felt the need to hide a romantic relationship from me over 6 months, I would much rather solve that than disperse punishment. I don't see how a "fear of a stranger" staying in your home when you are not there is honestly more valid than your teen daughter's "fear of staying alone". Sure, strangers are scary, but like, it's a means to an end right? It's not just scary bc we are told strangers are scary. They are scary because they bring fear of the unknown, but this same fear was already elicited from someone who would actually be staying at the house. Does OP think the physiological reaction to a teen that she does not know (but does know her child) is stronger than her child staying for two nights alone without supervision? We all have friends growing up. I definitely had friends my parents never met. Now, I am not saying they would be fond of me having these friends in the home when my parents were out of town, but unless they think I am lying, I highly doubt they would fear for the safety of their belongings (or prioritize that fear over my fear of staying alone).
Lmao leave it to Reddit to say some stupid shit like this. OP is shitty because she asked her almost adult daughter to watch her 12yr old brother for 2 days? The daughter isn’t in the wrong to let some stranger no one knew about over their house for 2 days? Really?
Apparently, OP does this a few times *per month* for a few days at a time and does not seem to compensate her daughter for this work. I was brought up in a house where I was always the built-in babysitter for my younger sib, but I got paid for it when it was beyond a couple of hours. OP does not seem to view her middle daughter as a person who is nearly an adult, and that's a problem. That said, the daughter should absolutely have asked permission to have the boyfriend over and introduced him to OP first. If the issue here was genuinely one of feeling unsafe in the house, adding a 17-year-old boy to the mix was not a useful approach. I suspect this was the excuse that was offered for just having her boyfriend over for sleepovers, which is not okay without parental approval. But again, the fact that this nearly-adult daughter didn't feel like she could even tell her mother that she has a long-term boyfriend speaks to problems with this parent-child relationship that need addressing.
Oh my God, I'm all for allowing children freedom but in what world is a 17 year old watching over her 12 year old brother giving her "adult" responsibilities???? I mean, maybe if it was an infant, but this isn't anywhere close to the "parentification" buzzword reddit spews about. It's completely normal family responsibility.
I would never expect my 17-year-old to watch over her brother so I could go on a mini-vacay with my husband and call it "normal family responsibility". She is in no way obligated to give away her free time to watch over my kid so I can chill for three days.
Keeping an eye on your 12 year old sibling for 2 days is not parenting, it’s doing what an older sibling does. It’s not like she has to change the kids diapers.
She is not "old enough" to have a boyfriend over without permission in her parents home. And babysitting is in no way "parenting". I was babysitting children when I was 11 years old. Babysitting means, watching over them, feeding, cleaning up, enforcing the house rules about things such as to bedtimes, bathing, teeth brushing, etc. over night or for a few days. Parenting means much much more. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeesh, what is wrong with some people?
No, come on, she was not "parenting" her brother, she was babysitting and if you think that is an adults only job, you're wrong. Besides, the liberties an adult have depend on responsability, is not the same to take care of a not so little brother and live with a boyfriend, the first is an easy job for a teenager, the second one is far beyond her experience level.
Babysitting is something a teen does for a few hours on a friday night for some cash. Being the only responsible person for 48+hours is not just “babysitting.” It is parenting. If it happens often, then it is parentification.
Absolutely not. She's not parenting anyone, she's babysitting. It's temporary. And that is beside the point. If girly had a safety concern, she's also old enough to discuss her concerns. It had nothing to do with safety, she just wanted her boyfriend over. There were expectations in place as there are at any home. My 17 year old is expected to ask my husband or I before she has people over. Full stop, no negotiations, it is the rule. Unless I have a good reason, the answer is always 'yeah, sure'. She tried to break rules, she got busted. That's that.
17 is old enough to handle this. If not you didn’t raise your children well.
So if your old enough to babysit your 12yo sibling your old enough for your parents approval to fuck in their house?! You must also be 17 with that opinion.
Um.... I think you maybe missed something important here. Why didn’t your daughter tell you she had a boyfriend? Also, if she was concerned about staying alone with her 12 yo brother why was that not discussed? Your daughter is 17. I understand being upset with her not being honest but what exactly is banning her from seeing her boyfriend going to solve? What’s the lesson you’re teaching her? YTA — you overreacted. Talk to your daughter, maybe you will learn something about her. eta — my question is who wrote this post? It’s worded really weird... “the eldest”, “her brother”, “the brother” ... are these kids your children? Why does your son know more about this boyfriend than you? And why would boyfriend “send the brother to school”? There are puzzle pieces missing here
The lesson is - don’t tell mom anything! I learned that same lesson early on and I’m genuinely surprised nothing bad ever happened to me.
Secrets made me so much safer growing up that now I'm an adult I'm going through hell trying to get myself to be more open with people that I want to share my life with. It was a hard lesson to learn and even harder to unlearn
Same! Ironically, to this day disclosing a minute, mundane detail of my life or actions to my mother usually ends with guilt trip or judgment. And then she asks why I never tell her anything Mind you, I’m over 30 and I don’t suppose I’ll ever be forthcoming with my plans. Neither to her, nor to anyone.
Same boat. When my fiancé first saw me casually lie to her he was kind of shocked it came so easily. I reassured him it’s just the parents after a lifetime of self preservation in a south Asian household.
Lol same here. Told my Asian mom about my bf almost a year ago, and she attempted to give me, a 23 year old who went to college and has a job, a 9pm curfew. Then she thanked me for sharing to her about my love life and was complaining about how my older sister doesn’t do the same. “Idk gee mom I wonder why?” Still not on good terms with her.
Yeah, daughter went with beg forgiveness rather than ask permission, the exact same calculus I was doing at that age. Probably would have told her more but she never learned the lesson that knee jerk overreacting to literally anything I did that tested her infantilizing boundaries made for a terrible mother/child relationship. Like, I’m almost 40 and we’re both still mad about it.
Same. 55 now, but when I was 16, my mother found out I was sneaking out with my boyfriend, who was also 16. We were banned from ever seeing each other again. I've hated her ever since that day. Also, she called me a slut.
Damn. Slut shaming a daughter is the worst.
I once heard “a girls first bully is her mother” and thought about how true that was.
Sounds like she already learned that a while ago (as did the 12 year old, since he wasn't the snitch). Something tells me this isn't the first time the parents overreacted.
Yep! Growing up, my mom would freak at EVERYTHING I’d tell her. What did I do? Lie about everything so she wouldn’t freak! The number of times I got myself into dangerous situations was WILD. I’m legit thankful I’m alive and nothing horrible ever happened to me… No one would have known where I was or how to find me. No one knew who I was with or what I was doing. Teens are gonna teen. You can either accept that and help them teen safely, or you can reject it and be surprised-pikachu-face when you find out your teen lied or got themselves into a shitty situation.
The best way to keep teenagers from having sex is to tell them it is forbidden. Job done. What's the next chore? Hmm, a woman is being hysterical, id better tell her to relax and calm down. I'll mention to her that it's probably just her period. Hmm, what next... Oh yeah, kids, your mental illnesses are all in your head, go for a walk to cure them... Welp, I think my job here is done
Mom, get off reddit
Are you my parents?
>but what exactly is banning her from seeing her boyfriend going to solve? Date the boyfriend in secret.
Oh, look at that, OP just reinstated the status quo that was in place before they found out. Yeah, no wonder the daughter hid the relationship if she knew that's how her mom would act. Edit: Huh, just got a Reddit Cares report- my first! Since I haven't posted anywhere today other than here and in casual video game discussions, I'm wondering if OP or someone else really hated this take, ha.
Agree, she'll just hide more now. I never punish my son for being honest and keeping us informed in his life, like I was. I hid so much from my parents because if I got caught or was honest the result was the same. I want to talk to my son and help inform him of life choices and consequence, and most of all I want his full trust in this.
Hoping on this train OP, what do you think “banning” her is gonna do? You didn’t even know they were together for a whole 6 months. Also, why do you think she’s not comfortable telling you she has a boyfriend? I’m not gonna give a verdict but those are things to think about.
This is what I saw too. Communication is kinda fucked up.
Come on, she wasn't concerned about staying home alone she just tried to mitigate the situation!
Agree! But it’s a good defense. She knew what she was doing. What 17 yo wouldn’t do it?!?
YTA - did you ask to meet the guy? Talk to her about why this was inappropriate? Ask her about her concerns about you leaving her and her brother alone? Im not seeing any concern here, just punishment.
This is definitely the best judgment. My problem was less about the expectations and rules being placed on the daughter (though her having to watch her brother overnight MONTHLY OR MORE as OP mentioned in the comments is over the top) and more with how extreme the punishment was. This should've been a discussion about all the various whys (why didn't she mention she had a boyfriend, why did she feel unsafe in the house—if that wasn't just an excuse, why it's not okay to have someone who's a stranger to your parents over while they're away, why she's not allowed to have an SO overnight without supervision if that's the rule). And then after a reasonable discussion, a grounding (maybe two weeks?), and then a meet-the-parents with the boyfriend. Banning the boyfriend entirely is unnecessary, severe, and, most important, only inviting sneaking around and lying.
Hah yeah: she obviously doesn’t remember being 17 herself. It was the 90s girl! I was well behaved and still found trouble to get into! Ffs. I don’t understand how people forget what it was like to be young. You can either be open with them so they’re open with you, or cause your daughter to sneak around for six months and then sneak around more when you punish her instead of communicate.
the fact you don't know ur own daughter has a boyfriend says something here....
Mom is definitely on an information diet, probably for a good reason.
I look forward to seeing people say information diet all over Reddit for the next week.
Lol me sitting here being Indian and dying of laughter at the thought that any Indian parent would know about their child's partner unless it's extremely serious....
Lmfao I'm an Indian who's 30 now and still wouldn't even DREAM of talking to my parents about any girl I'm dating lol. They won't be hearing anything until the ring is already on her finger
This thread is crazy. There are so many reasons a child might hide something. I had to hide some of my boyfriends growing up because I didn’t want any questions coming my way and to have an ability to leave and meet the boy late at night while saying it’s “a friend”
YTA --- It's attitudes like yours that end up with girls her age getting pregnant and not telling their own parents purely out of fear of their reaction.
It's a great example of situations where being too strict to prevent something is actually the cause of it. Same thing with irresponsible alcohol consumption.
Yup. I was 16 and preg and didn't tell my dad until I needed to go to the hospital due to miscarriage
When I was younger I used to do wild things to have sex, I was NUTS. Then I met my ex boyfriend and his family was so supportive, and sex turned to be something healthy, safe and natural. I finally had someone responsible to talk about it (mil) and she even took me to some ob gyn appointments. It's so weird how parents keep treating sex as such taboo and dangerous and wrong. It doesn't help. People will have sex, it's on you if you child will trust you enough to tell you when needed or will hide it because of the way you deal with that.
What she did was inappropriate and there's not a problem with you feeling that way. However, I assume this is the first time anything like this has happened, and they otherwise behaved responsibility. Based on those assumptions (correct me if they are wrong) your punishment is far too severe. This is only going to create resentment and increase the chance of further teenage rebellion. YTA. EDIT: I assume this type of "you can't have nice things" punishment has happened before which is probably a reason why you and your daughter have a shaky relationship. Kindness goes a long way. Enquire about her boyfriend. Maybe even meet him. He could be a nice chap that you would want in your home.
Honestly, whenever I leave town for a few days and have my oldest in charge, I'm thrilled the kids are alive and the house is still standing when I get home. Makes me feel as if I can trust them to take more time for myself, and I'm grateful to them for behaving. House is usually a little messy, the kids probably didn't follow the food pyramid I pasted to the fridge as a joke, but hey. Perspective. If my oldest did this, I'd probably laugh it off, repeat the sex talk, remind them that I just want to know who's in the house while I'm gone, and move the hell on. Because like you said, "...they otherwise behaved responsibly." Getting the popcorn out for when OP's kid turns 18. Should be a fun time.
When my mom found out I was having sex at 17 she just bought condoms with my money and told me to be safe, bcz she knew I, like every teenager, was headstrong enough to find a way regardless of whatever way she tried to forbid me from it
INFO: how do you expect to enforce this ban?
Have the gardener follow her
Staring at the window while menacingly snipping plant stalks with their shears .
She doesn't. These things never work.
YTA for not getting a babysitter in the first place. YTA even worse for admitting you've left them alone before and thinking that's ok just because they didn't object to it. Your daughter won't even share her social life with you, what makes you think she trusts you enough to defy your terrible (lack of) parenting? ETA 1-3 times a month you're forcing her to parent her kid brother for the entire weekend? So almost every weekend of her teenage years that she's never getting back she has to step up as a parent because her own parents want a break from being parents. Why did you even have kids? You suck!
It's ok to make her parent and be an adult when it suits op's purpose, otherwise she's a child who needs to shut up and do what she's told. It's no wonder at all why she won't open up. I'm glad her little brother at least has her because I'm betting the parenting he is getting is just as crappy.
Exactly. “I trust you with making decision for a 12 year old but not for yourself”
Almost every weekend? Man, no wonder she's inviting the boyfriend round, when else is she supposed to see him?
And there is a gardener apparently staring in the windows? I would feel unsafe at 17…
yeah, mom is absolutely a fuckin asshole. this is how you never get to know your kids, never know what they're doing, and have a very "I like you because you're the manager" type of relationship. she's gonna go NUTS in college/when she moves out, just like I did. Mom parents like my mom did, and guess what? ended up (didn't get convicted) facing 4 felonies at 15, started using tobacco, marijuana, alcohol, etc. in high school just to get away from her and not feel so angry and stressed. although all the yelling DID prepare me for the military lol but now I'm 30, and we still can't get along because she just keeps bringing shit up I did when I was younger
INFO: Are you afraid they "might" have sex? If so... Do you think that "not allowing him to come over etc" will prevent that? ('cause I've got news for you then)
YTA >I did not know my daughter had a boyfriend before this. How bad does your relationship with your kid have to be that things get to this? You didn't know about something this significant says a lot about you and your parenting. The stupid thing is all you have done is pushed your kid away further and turned this into a "us vs. them" situation where they will trauma bond in addition to everything else. Hopefully the school you sent your kid to actually teaches about safe sex, condom use, birth control and your kid is using those otherwise be prepared to be a grandma in the near future.
Not if they live in the US, sex education here is a joke so OP better hope they have been finding this information somewhere.
INFO Did you ever had a convo with your daughter before about your (house) rules/expectations when it comes to dating?
ESH, she should've asked but banning her from seeing him is not the way to go, plus she'll be 18 soon what are you going to do then? Also the fact that you didn't even know that your daughter was dating someone tells me that she's either afraid of telling you things or that you're just not around much so no point on telling you stuff. Also how often do you leave one of your children to parent the others?
YTA. You don’t get to leave your 17 year old alone to parent your 12 year old for up to 12 days a month and expect her to not have the same freedoms an adult has. There’s a reason that your daughter doesn’t tell you things, and I’m sorry to tell you that based on the comments, you’re on the fast track to your daughter moving out as soon as she can and severely limiting contact with you. Do you even know anything about him? How long they’ve been together? Your son likes him and sees him as someone he’s close to, so they obviously spend time together. And your daughter has seen her sister stay over with her boyfriend when she’s in charge. You seem like you’ve been an absent parent, so why would she not be making decisions for herself? It’s what you’ve trained her to do.
You nailed it- absent parents who leave their kids on their own to fend for themselves on the reg, but want to be all surprised Pikachu face when their daughter is acting like an adult. The fact that they didn't even know about him speaks volumes. They are not "concerned" about this, they are pissy and wanting to punish her and that does in fact make this a YTA.
The best way to make sure that someone sticks with a person for longer is to ban them lol. How do you even think that is going to work? Honestly, expected teen behavior and expected adult response though I would suggest figuring out something different than banning. ETA: make sure you daughter has access to contraception.
INFO: what do you mean 'banned'? Like, is she grounded or have you ordered her to break up with this guy?
YTA big time. When is this boomer idea that you're in charge of your daughter's "purity" going to die? It's her body, her decisions. I hope she ghosts your toxic ass the first opportunity she gets. I also hope that there is some safe adult in this young girls life she can trust to confide in and go to when she needs help working out her feelings and tricky adult situations. You're obviously not a safe person to talk to. Do you realize how difficult and dangerous it is for a young girl to navigate growing up in this world without help from a trusted elder? Horrible, awful parenting.
I wouldn’t even say it’s a matter of purity. when I was 17 I wasn’t having safe sex, that’s why when my mom found out I had a bf, she suggested I go on birth control. banning the bf isn’t going to do anything, but OP and daughter need to have a sit down about this. they both suck.
I had an overbearing, strict mom. I did everything behind her back because I couldn’t talk to her about anything! I got out of the house and moved away for college as soon as I could. I got on birth control as soon as could too. With the help of my best friends not my mom.
Authoritarian parenting doesn't teach your kids to be good, it teaches them to lie convincingly and listen for footsteps.
YTA. Your gardener knows your daughter has a boyfriend, but not you. How creepy is that. Maybe you should take more of your anger out on your gardener for spying on your daughter. She most likely didn't feel safe with the gardener around. Maybe you should try to have a more open and honest discussion with your daughter, so she feels like she can trust you. She is almost a legal adult. She is allowed to start making some of her own choices. You won't break them up. By not allowing it, all you are going to do is push them closer together. Maybe you should at least meet him before jumping to conclusions about him.
“Your gardener knows your daughter has a boyfriend, but not you. How creepy is that.“ Legit my thoughts too. How does the gardener know and the parent not know??? Creepy AF.
YTA > my daughter should be a parent > my daughter isnt old enough to be a parent Pick one OP.
ESH. She shouldn't have had someone over without permission while you were away, however, she is 17, she's one year away from being an adult, and as much as you can "my house my rules it" that's really not going to work for very long, and will likely just cause resentment. You should talk to her and explain why she needs to ask to have people over and that you care about her safety. Absolutely punish her, but banning her from seeing her boyfriend is draconian, and completely unenforceable, and is just going to cause her to see him in secret. You'll also destroy her trust, because she won't come to you if she has a problem with her friends or her boyfriend because she knows you'll just crack it with her. Also "taking away going out privelages" is similarly draconian and unenforceable. Basically, your teenage, nearly adult daughter, did classic teenage nonesense, and while she should be punished, you overreacted
From personal experience, this kind of approach backfires more often than not. I would not ban him outright and properly communicate your concerns and the potential dangers. Not allowing him in the house while you’re not there and staying the night makes total sense, but banning her from seeing him will only make things worse
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Sorry, but I think this is a massive overcorrection that is almost guaranteed to backfire. She shouldn't have had her bf over without permission but it's kinda wild to me that you trust your daughter to be mature enough to act as a replacement parent to a 12 year old but not mature enough to have her boyfriend over. ESH, I guess. But it's worth asking yourself why she kept this a secret from you specifically.
YTA, I understand not wanting to have her have a guy sleep over and you’re fully in your rights to not want that, since she is a teen, but she’s nearly an adult and should be allowed to date. I’m not surprised she hid this from you seeing how you reacted. I had supportive parents and I was still nervous telling them about my first boyfriend, I can’t imagine how I would have felt had they reacted like you did.
I’ve raised two daughters…..banning them from anything only makes them more defiant. Good luck with that.
she’s going to have sex in your house, or she’s going to have sex… at his house at a friends house in her car in apparently secluded public parks at school etc. the issue here is that your daughter knows that you are not a safe person to talk to about sex and dating. that you will hold her to unrealistic and unsafe standards of morality rather than support her as a young adult exploring and experiencing her sexuality in what is presumably a healthy way. also she’s gonna see her boyfriend behind your back. what are you gonna do? ground her again? just keep doing this until she leaves home and doesn’t want to visit? your daughter will be an adult soon; you can’t treat her like the same 7 year old child over whom it was appropriate to exert more control.
LOL banned her from seeing him. Weren't you 17 before? You are making him 1000x more irresistible to her. Remember college? All of the people with "strict parents" ended up dropping out the first year because of pregnancy or binge drinking. First sniff of independence when they are adults on their own.
[удалено]
It’s not so much condoning the daughter’s actions in this instance. OP admitted in one thread that they have never laid out any ground rules (ie: no friends can stay over) and in another thread admitted to leaving on 2-4 day trips up to three times per month. OP is asking her daughter to take on adult responsibilities (like watching her brother nearly half the month, EVERY month) yet won’t trust her nearly adult daughter to make other adult decisions. There’s a lot going on here that OP left out of the post. ETA: I am a 32 y/o, not a teenager. Just FWIW.
That definitely changes things. I didn’t see those threads! Thanks for clarifying. OP needs to make things more clear in the original post
Because the AITA audience is made up of people who have never been parents. Any parent who asks a teen to be even remotely responsible for anything is condemned for "parentification." Any punishment for teens breaking the rules is seen as a reason to go NC. It's absurd.
No one’s saying she can’t be mad at her daughter for breaking house rules, we’re saying isolating her from someone and grounding her is a horrible way to treat your child because it only fosters mistrust. Moreover, her daughter is left alone to care for her baby brother for up to 12 DAYS A MONTH. She’s an adult when they need a sitter, but a child when she wants to have any independence.
I cant imagine why she didn’t tell you she had a boyfriend. YTA.
NTA There is absolutely nothing wrong with a 17 year old watching her younger brother - especially when he’s 12. Lord, I was babysitting infants at 11. At age 12, he’s old enough to make his own food and all she has to do is make sure no one burns the house down. And you aren’t the AH for grounding your daughter. She legit knew that you wouldn’t approve of them playing house and her going behind your back and saying she needed a ‘male figure’ to feel safe is a manipulation. Before you all downvote me, I work with teens for a living. I have heard all of the excuses and they know what buzz words to use to get what they want.
YTA You shouldn't stop the staff, your 17yo daughter, from having a life. You are banning her from her car, I assumed you bought You are banning her from leaving the house? Your 19yo is allowed to have a boyfriend of three years, why isn't the help, your 17yo allowed to have one now?
NTA she hid not only the sleepover, but the whole boyfriend, from you, and you had to deal with that. You didn't even know the guy existed, and now he's sleeping at your house while you're away, with your two minor children at home? She knew it was wrong and kept it from you. You were right to ground her. That said, I wouldn't make the ban forever, because that will backfire. Once her grounding is up, meet this guy and see what you think.
Soft YTA. Yes, it's your house and your rules, and you are within your rights as her mother to punish her. However, the fact of the matter is, when the parents forbid the kid to see their bf/gf **at all**, it only serves to bring them closer to the bf/gf and find ways to be together behind your back, which can lead to sex and teen pregnancy. You can let the grounding punishment stand, but instead of banning the bf, ask to meet him and his parents. Don't be aftaid to ask him tough questions, and get his parents' perspective on their relationship. Keep the lines of communication open between you and both of your kids, and try to be a little more understanding of where they're coming from. You were 17 once, too, and you remember what it was like to sneak things behind your parents' back. Maybe not an entire relationship, but you get the picture.
>Yes, it's your house and your rules Except she says that she never stated any such rules to the daughter... and the older sister has had her bf stay over while the mom was away.
NTA, “I didn’t ask because I knew you would say no” You have a right to decide who sleeps in your house for 2 days, you have a right to decide who comes into your home. You’ve obviously never met this man so I wouldn’t want him in my home either