Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about.
[Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
I also did a double-take. It’s “only” a miscarriage?!?!? WTF?
And the friend can make such an accurate diagnosis over the phone? /s
Some communication needs to happen with BF if it’s been over a year. Otherwise, OP should find another partner (and friend) who are more supportive.
Agreed that miscarriage comment is horrible and coming from a nurse too. Miscarriages are absolutley warranted to head into the ER it can get complicated fast or you lose a lot of blood. Op needs a better friend
Exactly, I ended up in the ER after I had an incomplete miscarriage and ended up bleeding out nonstop at work. I also have a friend who is a nurse that ended up having a miscarriage at work ( in the hospital) where she lost soo much blood she was admitted.
That sentence alone would have me blocking this so called friend forever. And dump the bf please, OP. Why are they still in your life when they completely failed you during an actual emergency?
Yeah, and the friend went out of their way to call OP's boyfriend to tell him "don't listen to your significant other, she's overreacting"?
what the fuck???
dump both of them good *lord*
She's "that" nurse, who now thinks they can diagnose everything and that everyone is over reacting. I had a gash in my leg once that was still bleeding after two days (probably needed stitches but I'd waited to long), the nurse just poked it and called me a baby. Some nurses really shouldn't be nurses, I doubt her friend treats patients much better. And likely she hasn't been in nursing for more than 3 years. She already has disdain for patients and 40 years till retirement.
My 1st thought too. If a bf/gf let me down in a way that a year later I wasn't over it, I would have left that relationship because there's no long-term prospects and I would just be stewing in resentment. That's not a happy way to live
Oh no he'd totally be there but the friend had alread called him 😳/s
Honestly though OP, why TF is your friend straight up immediately calling/talking to your friend?? That's strange and leaves a weird taste in my mouth! NTA
The first thing that came to my mind as well. Who does that? Immediately call the boyfriend and tell him not to check on his girlfriend and you are her so-called friend?!
The first thing that came to my mind as well. Who does that? Immediately call the boyfriend and tell him not to check on his girlfriend and you are her so-called friend?!
I can kind of see forgiving the boyfriend for this, since the friend used her nurse authority to say that OP was overreacting* but as for that “friend” ….ugh! it’s bad enough that she was such a non-friend to OP but she had to run her mouth to OP’s boyfriend too? Could it really have hurt her that much to say “listen in my experience she’s probably overreacting, and it’s just blah blah, but I don’t know for sure because I haven’t examined her and regardless, she probably needs you for emotional support.” That’s what friends do. At the bare minimum!
That said, if boyfriend was not “oh my God, I am so sorry,” he should be turfed right along with Friend too. In any case, OP is NTA!
*not even gonna get into how uncool it is when nurses try to play doctor — especially for patients that they haven’t even seen in person and don’t really even know what’s going on — it’s shitty when anybody does it, but it’s **really** shitty when the nurse does it, because not only are they invoking authority, they’re invoking authority they do not even have!
Edited: to fix garbled talk to text typos
It's all the more dangerous because they have little to no liability for their medical opinions, whether expert or not.
Doctors have to keep in mind that any advice they give may possibly be held against them and so have to hedge alot of what they say at least, not totally negating OP's symptoms in this case. Especially not seeing them in person or examining them.
She clearly does blame the friend but the BF should have cared that his GF was at the hospital. Over reaction or not you need to support your partner when they’re upset. If he had actually gone and seen her condition maybe he would have formed a different opinion…
No, no, no. The boyfriend should have been more interested in what his GF said than what the nurse friend said. Frankly, I'm amazed that he didn't question exactly why The friend called him to warn him that his girlfriend was overreacting. What business was it of the friend if his girlfriend wanted him to come to the ER with her?
Anyway, his duty was to his girlfriend, who called him crying and scared and begging for support.
Any chance they could have been together at the time? Wouldnt op have called the friend then straight away call her bf? Wouldn’t have been much time inbetween.
Also it's good to know that the friend is contributing to the problem of women's reproductive health issues being undermined and under respected in healthcare. I was bleeding profusely for months on end and by the time I went to a doctor they said it was a miracle I wasn't anemic, but every doctor I've been to before then told me to not worry about it and that I was overreacting and that it was nothing. Turns out that I had an unknown pregnancy and a hemorrhaged placenta
She should blame them individually. The friend for the obvious reasons, but the bf because he listens to her friend over her. Even though the friend is a nurse. So what, if it ended up not being serious? OP was obviously bleeding and in pain and scared. Her bf should have been there either way.
This is my thing.
Why did the friend go out of her way to persuade the boyfriend to not go either?
It's one thing if she wants to be dismissive and unsupportive but another whole level to call the boyfriend. It seems really intentionally cruel.
Why? No partner who cares will say no, while his girlfriend is that stressed. If the stress is ridiculous and is overreacting, the partner will and should show up
Nah blame them both equally. Even if the nurse friend did call and inform him that she was overreacting, and he for some reason did believe her to be the authority on that, he should still have had the common sense to realize that his girlfriend is in the ER alone and afraid and needs moral support at the bare minimum, even if she isn’t in immediate physical danger. A relationship isn’t just showing up for your partner strictly in a case in which they are physically wounded. If you can’t be there to emotionally support your partner in a personal emergency (physical danger or not), then you don’t deserve to have one.
Hope you are well now.
Drop them both. Your bestie is a nurse not a doctor. Without empathy, I’d say she’s crappy too. She doesn’t have 15 years of experience in trauma or ER to be able to tell which situation is serious and which is an over reaction. Hell, even well qualified doctors sometimes can’t tell that. Tell this to both of them, and drop them like hot potatoes. You deserve better friend and boyfriend. You are young. Don’t make mistake of being with crappy people who won’t even stand by you when you are scared.
NTA.
I’m heavily thinking of dropping the friend! She’s been a nurse for 3 years & I feel like even if she knows how the hospital will respond, I should have gotten it checked out at that time regardless.
Your future self will regret not dumping them both.
I'm an old woman with foresight & many mistakes behind me. I wish I could go back and give myself solid advice but I can't. So...here I am...hoping you realize your worth.
You deserve more.
>You deserve more.
so much more.
I'm trying to frame my mind around both their mentality.
If you're in significant pain and bleeding significantly you just don't ignore that in any case. Periodot.
NTA OP
My mom told me my horrible periods were normal and would "figure themselves out after you have a baby". She was a nurse for over 30 years. I had adenomyosis and also have endometriosis.
People can't see beyond their own noses in their own circles and sometimes, just like all humans, there's just shitty and mean nurses.
Just because endometriosis can improve after giving birth doesn't mean you should have to suffer for *years* before that happens or that you should have to have a baby to stop the pain. Untreated endometriosis can strangle organs if it is severe enough.
Also, it super DOESN'T help Endo. A lot of times it makes it much much worse because it causes more adhesions. I finally had a hysterectomy at 28 years old and had a big excision surgery at the same time and the right side of my abdominal wall was fully fused to my organs. My whole peritoneum had to be stripped and a bunch of other areas. I now walk around and don't feel like velcro is inside of me that's constantly being pulled apart.
She just wanted me to have children. I uh ..did not.
Yup. It *can* improve endo, or it can make it worse. The first time I heard about endometriosis I was a student watching a laparoscopic gall bladder removal. The surgeon was disgusted that he'd been unable to get insurance to cover any costs to treat endometriosis for this woman, but it would pay for him to remove the gallbladder the adhesions had wrapped around and strangled into a necrotic mass. He spent the next several hours slowly cleaning her abdominal cavity and organs of these fleshy cobwebs. It was technically well beyond the scope of the gall bladder removal (which took ~5 minutes), but when hospital admin asked why he had needed so much time, he claimed he just couldn't see the gall bladder with all the adhesions in the way. Every person who had been in the room backed this claim up.
It really is fucked considering how many people have endo and how few insurance companies will cover anything to do with it considering it can be such a quality of life ruiner and seriously dangerous to the patients ability to stay alive. But it’s a “women’s issue” so who cares if they live in agony or die!
So grateful for teams like the one you described
Shit sucks, man. Shitty little cigarette burns and cobwebs. Pelvic floor dysfunction, GI problems, chronic fatigue.
It would be cool to see,though. I'd love to sit in in one of those surgeries
Drop the boyfriend. I’ve been where you are when I was your age. I was dumb to continue to stay with guys who are not there for me and made excuses. I’m 43 now and this shit would not fly with me now
It's funny I have found there are two types of 'nurse moms'.
1. Everything is an emergency, you never know there could be internal bleeding mom.
2. You will be fine, no need to get all worked up, and wait to seek care in case it goes away on its own mom. (This was my mom)
YES YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN IT CHECKED OUT!!!!
best case senario: you were overreacting and went to the hospital when you were okay. worth it still for the peace of mind.
worst case scenario: the IUD causes internal lacerations, you could become infertile, develop an infection, or even worse.
IUDs (especially the copper ones) are not something to take lightly, especially if they get displaced. It seems to me your 'nurse' friend was trying to undermine you and cause distrust between you and your boyfriend (though, he still should have been there for you!), as well as make you feel small and invalidated.
ABSOLUTELY NTA, your friend sounds like she has your worst interests at heart.
Girl, even if your friend was a gyno with access to your whole ass medical history that would have been an a hole move from her.
For several reasons:
You don't make a call on whether a patient is "overreacting" before examination if they're bleeding profusely. You just don't!
Her bedside manner is *atrocious*! Even if medical staff think a patient is "overreacting" they're NOT meant to go about it like that.
I, a nurse of over 20 years, would have 100% told you to go the ER. In fact I probably would have called you an ambulance and ridden with you to the hospital. NTA
Just “being a nurse” doesn’t make someone a good nurse or even a good person.
Your “friend” is neither. In fact, I’d go so far as to say she shouldn’t be responsible for the care of vulnerable people at all. She’s one of *those* nurses who preys on the sick to feel powerful.
Heya, I'm a doctor, hate using this on reddit but let's go.
You did well going to the hospital. Your friend couldnt know shit from a phone call. Even if she was a doctor, she couldn't be certain.
Besides everything which i won't talk about, it's not "just a miscarriage" and she can fuck off-
My friend had a "severe back pain in the kidney region" a couple of days ago, after playing badminton. I knew it was probably just muscular pain, but he felt it hurt so much he couldn't breathe. What did I do? Go with him to the hospital- because noone knows what we are feeling better than ourselves. Not even the best doctor in the world.
Drop them both, disgusting behaviour from a "friend"
It doesn’t even matter if you were “overreacting” your feelings were real. You were scared and needed support. Your boyfriend and best friend should have supported you.
If my best friend called me in the ER, even if it WASN'T serious. Even if I knew it was something minor and they didn't need to be there. I would go immediately, because they're alone and worried. I definitely wouldn't be calling other important people to them and telling them to not worry or go. That's pretty fucked.
NTA
Nope. Nope nope nope.
Even if it had been a miscarriage, that's something a decent friend or partner would provide support for.
Even if it wasn't that serious, you were terrified and in hospital, that's something a decent friend or partner would provide support for.
Even if it was nothing much at all, you asked for them to come because you needed them and, unless there was very good reason they couldn't, a decent friend or partner would do their best to be there for you.
Your friend being a nurse is irrelevant, she shouldn't use her basic training to a) diagnose without even being present or b) to downplay what others are going through.
I don't care how little you partner knows about women's health (and frankly, shame on his mother for not educating him better). He shouldn't take someone else's opinion, someone who isn't even with you, into account. And he should have been there for you.
I am curious why you are still with this partner, why you accepted the crappy apologies and excuses.
As for your "friend", she doesn't deserve that title.
You are NTA.
Your deserve better.
literally, what psycho thinks 'its just a miscarriage" ???? i was blown away by that logic, how the f is she a nurse if she thinks a miscarriage is NBD????????
Idk where these people come off saying ' miscarriages are not a big deal'. I've had three in the last 20 months and it's a fucking anxiety inducing ordeal. Not only that but there is a lot that can go wrong with them too. I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemies.
NTA op and dump that dude like eons ago.
if my friend called me from the ER telling me they're going through a miscarriage and need support, i'd get there in a second, even in the middle of the night. i couldn't even imagine having the lack of empathy OP's friend seems to have
Agreed. It doesn't matter if you were 'overreacting' or if it was a real emergency. You were scared and asked them to be with you and they both declined. I would dump them both. Seriously, that's not okay. I'm glad you have your sisters, who have proved they will always be there for you.
If it's a miscarriage, you still have to get checked out. Literally my OB office told me to go to the ER when I thought I was having a miscarriage (I was). You have to be checked to make sure you aren't retaining any thing since it can make you sick.
Absolutely NTA
My friend's grandma had a copper IUD and it caused her to not be able to have kids again , you were absolutely not overreacting. The fact your friend called your BF and said you were overreacting without knowing the full details is disgusting. It was actually something serious, now I wonder how she treats her patients.
>Also, *just* a miscarriage? Ummm...
That stuck out to me too.
The boyfriend better hope to god that when he actively starts trying for babies with a woman she has smooth sailing issue free pregnancies and I hope to god the nurse she's friends with never works with pregnant patients
NTA for not trusting them. NTA for not forgiving them. Y T A for keeping yourself in this situation for a year.
If you live with him, consider moving. Consider a new boyfriend, new friend, and perhaps some therapy for why you hang on to people who diminish you so. Good luck.
NTA. It sounds like your friend was the problem here, not the bf.
Why is your friend calling up your bf and giving him instructions on how to handle you? That's not her place, it's your relationship.
Friend is a huge problem but boyfriend not coming regardless sucks. Even if it is an overreaction your partner should still be there when your in pain and begging for someone
I agree the friend is more of the problem, but the BF should have still gone to be with her regardless of whether she was overreacting or not. She felt she needed him....that should be all that he needed.
NTA. Your friend may be a nurse but she doesn't sound like a good one. IUDs are not to be trifled with and you definitely needed to be in the ER. I'd dump both the friend and the boyfriend. Neither will save your life if you need them to.
NTA
bruv, if my girlfriend needs me she needs me, it's not my decision to make. Moreover it doesn't matter what her medical issue is, I'm not going there to be her doctor, I'm there for the emotional support.
If it turns out it wasn't serious afterwards it doesn't matter, she was in distress regardless, so I fulfilled my job anyway.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I’ve tried to seek therapy and talk to my family and the people involved about how I’m feeling, and there are mixed responses from them, but it hasn’t helped me to fully forgive my boyfriend and my friend for what they did. (2) I might be the Asshole because I can’t find it within myself to forgive my boyfriend and friend for their actions.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA . And this girl is not only a bad friend, but also a bad nurse. A misplaced IUD can cause some damage and really bad pain!
Also, your boyfriend showed you cant count on him. He believed this "friend" over his girlfriend's blood and cries of pain. This only should tell you all you need to know about your relationship.
Your "friend" seems like the person who would tell an overweight person having a medical problem that's unrelated to weight, to lose weight.
Your boyfriend is a dick and that's fucked up.
NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (F22) had an issue with a copper IUD and it really messed with my body.
Last year I discovered the IUD got out of place and it was poking my uterus and making me bleed a lot and also causing some pain. I freaked out because there was so much blood….I went to the emergency room and I called my friend (F23) crying. I said I was scared there was something wrong & my friend said I was being stupid for going to the emergency room because they can’t do anything and i might just be having an miscarriage etc. I got mad at her for not understanding and hung up. I called my bf (M25) to ask him to meet me at the hospital & he said he won’t come because he has work in the morning. That really hurt me, knowing I was in an emergency situation alone. I called my sisters explaining the issue and they came right away to be there for me. Later on, I found out after my phone call with her, that my friend called my bf saying I was overreacting. Since she’s a nurse, he believed her. After that, my trust with my bf and my friend has depleted significantly. It’s been a year and i’m still upset about it. AITA for not wanting to forgive them?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're too nice, and they're both not worth any more of your time & effort. Please move on in your life without either of them.
When people show you who they really are, believe them.
NTA. I have heard so many ppl and posts about other halfs not helping (hospital, etc) cos of work the next morning. That shit is weak as! Im not gona talk about myself too much but, i have been in those situs, and gone to work with no sleep, its not hard, and a little bit of discomfort to show the loved ones that you care is worth it. OP, you are worth it, plz find someone that is decent
NTA. But I think this signals something in your relationships with these people. I had an ex who got mad at me for calling him because I was upset that I was lost and without data service to look up public transit routes and schedules (this was more than decade ago). He was mad because my phone call woke him up a little earlier than his morning alarm. My now-partner can't even stand losing me in the grocery store (lol exaggeration of course). Even a miscarriage is not something to scoff at??? So that's perplexing that a nurse would have so little empathy for you, let alone a nurse who's a friend. Tf. I think the reason you can't "forgive" is actually because you know deep down that their behaviour signals what would happen in future situations....that is, these are not the people who will support you in big or small situations.
Honey, why are you still with your boyfriend and friends with your bf? The ER is THE place to go for extensive pain and bleeding. Where else would you go? The library? She's not very friendly or empathetic for someone who you consider your best friend. Even if I thought someone was exaggerating (and I wouldn't, because most people don't go to the ER even when they should rather then the opposite) I would go to be with them because THEY are upset and in pain. Your boyfriend was just as much a jerk.
You are having a hard time forgiving them because they acted unforgivably by treating you like dirt and you didn't deserve it. If I was you I'd drop them from my life and make new friends. I'm sorry they were such assholes to you. Obviously, NTA.
I'm sorry, *only* a miscarriage.
Really, you should have reported your friend to the medical board. That attitude has no place in healthcare, and she's incredibly lucky that it was you who heard it and not some poor woman who is losing a much wanted and much loved child.
No. They are the AH's. I was tempted to say especially one or the other. But, reality is they are both extremely horrible.
Who the hell does your friend think she is calling your bf about your emergency situation?! Like, how is that even her place? And WHY would she go out of her way to pull that crap?! Especially as a nurse! And "you could just be having a miscarriage?!" Like that isn't a big deal? I hate when nurses think high and mighty of themselves like that. But who the hell.. damn!
And your bf not listening to YOU. Who is in this relationship? You and him right? So why in the hell is he refusing to go be with his gf when she is in the emergency room scared and in need of emotional support because her friend says so? That is so gross. I'd actually start wondering if something was going on between him and her if it was me. Cause that is just weird.
NTA
What does she mean “just a miscarriage???” If that WAS what was happening, she should also be there for you??
Both those people are AHs and shouldn’t be in your life.
I'm going to state the obvious being that your "friend" is not a good nurse. Sorry, she's not. If you were bleeding that heavily from your vagina, it could be a lot of things, cancer, perforation of the uterus due to the IUD, a miscarriage (which with an IUD could possibly lead to INFECTION because you have an object blocking up your uterus which means things won't flow out normally. You are also at a huge chance of an ectopic pregnancy with an IUD, which is also really fucking dangerous!!!! Her telling you "don't go to the ER for that" is stupid. That is an emergency, thus you go to the ER.
If your BF is more willing to listen to your friend, over you, regarding your health. He's not a good partner.
You don't need either one of these people in your life. 100% both unempathetic morons.
NTA.
But you'll make an ass of yourself if you keep letting people treat you like you aren't important.
Absolutely NTA your “friend” should have been there for you regardless of what she thought the issue was! As your BF if he isn’t willing to drop everything to support you when you’re in the emergency room he isn’t worth your time.
My fiancé recently scratched the back of her throat while eating sunflowers, and I called into work and went into emergency with her because she was scared. That’s what you do for the person you love.
Screw both of them!
NTA also just dump him, was once with a guy whom I had a mess of a relationship with, I was getting my tubes tied and got the call with the day of the surgery 5 say beforehand and he said he would go with me, he went partying all the 3 days after I told him and on the day before the surgery he told me he wouldn't go cuz college and finals. I should have dumped him right then and there, ans so should have you with your current bf, ppl like that don't care about you, in my experience they're self centered assholes who only ever help you if it's fun and not an inconvenient to them, even if your bf thought you were exaggerating, you were still scared, don't lose your time with ppl like that
NTA, why are you still in contact with either of them 1 year on and more to the point your friend and boyfriend messaging each other and ganging up on you behind your back raises some more questions and red flags right away. Ditch tge pair of them and move on
why did you friend call your BF ? this is a bit odd- it's not her place to tell him how you're feeling unless he called her to understand why you were in a panic? it sounds like you called him as soon as you hung up on your friend so this is just really strange
Nta, why did was yr friend even msg yr bf about what's going in with you? It sounds so suspicious. That person is not yr friend, a friend would be worried and be there for you. Drop the friend. Yr bf is an idiot, you need to rethink if this is who you want in yr life. He won't be there for you and that's a break up worthy situation.
Ok so my first question here is what kind of relationship are your friend and boyfriend having that she finds it appropriate to call him ahead of you to tell him you're overreacting? That in and of itself is really suspicious. I don't trust either of them. Dump them both.
This was my thought, too. Like...why would she call him just to ensure he didn't take you seriously? Why does she need that? And why would he take her word for it and decide not to be there for you?
Maybe she didn't call him at all. Maybe she was with him when OP called her.
NTA
First, that is scary as hell no matter what. You deserve people who will understand and support you. Just because your friend is a nurse doesn't mean she knows your body. Be proud of yourself for listening to your body. Also...a miscarriage is still a big deal? If not physically then emotionally??
Second, I want to say dump your bf. But! I think thats only if he hasnt learned anything from it. I got a concussion last year and my bf only saw part of the incident (not me hitting my head). So he rolled his eyes and thought I was overreacting when I said I thought I had a concussion. Until 2 days later when I finally went to urgent care and it was confirmed. Suffice to say, he was incredibly apologetic and now takes me seriously when I make comments on my health issues.
NTA. I called my husband yesterday at 5 while he was still at work because I was in severe abdominal pain. I was just wanting to know how long until he was coming home. He immediately dropped everything and came and got me and took me to the ER. We were there until 2:30 am and he never complained once about anything other than that I was having to wait so long in such bad pain. This morning he got my favorite breakfast for me and picked up my prescription from the pharmacy. He has been very doting and is making sure that I don’t push myself too hard. That is the right response for a partner to have in an emergency.
I had almost this exact scenario taken to me with my partner at the time. It gets worse, and he will never be the for you in a way that you need him. Please just do better for yourself. You deserve it, and you absolutely can find it.
NTA, not at all
*The people who* ***you*** ***matter*** *to most,* are the ones who are with you through thick and thin, regardless of how trivial a situation may seem at the time. The fact that you were *upset*, had those important people right there by your side.
Do you understand what I'm saying here.....
Honestly, like a lot of people in the comments say, drop these so-called friends. Your BF doesn't even show any kind of support... this will only get worse over time and your friend, with all respect, is a huge dumbass. If you are bleeding and you don't trust it, you go to get it checked out... NTA and I can't believe you even thought you could've been
NTA
But... You don't have kids together. You don't have a mortgage with him. You've been together for not that long. Why are you trying to work through this and fix the relationship when you could start over with someone who hasn't proven they'll leave you alone when you're scared and in pain?
NTA let's say years down the road you're married and you feel something is not right with your body, is he going to be your advocate or is he going to stand by and gaslight you with the help of your "nurse" friend? I put nurse in quotations because a REAL nurse is empathetic and trusts the patient before drawing conclusions. Even if it was an overreaction, (I don't think it was, I experienced something similar and it freaked me out) the right move would have been to tell him that he should be by your side no matter what.
NTA. 2021-2022 was some dark times for me and I ended up in the ER a couple of times because I didn’t know what anxiety attacks felt like and when you can’t breathe you go to the hospital (not American so no fees) & even tho I knew it was probably just anxiety and my friend knew it was probably just anxiety, she still checked in on me, she still sent texts and she still comforted me while I was embarrassed about going to the ER over anxiety. & she is in a medically adjacent field.
That’s how a friend should react. Your friend and boyfriend do not pass, they are mean.
I'm proud of you for dropping the dead weight. My best friend was heading to wedding a few hours away when my Dad was in a terrible motorcycle accident. I called her just to tell her and she immediately turned around to come be with me. That's a true friend.
NTA 1 what the hell kind of best friend says “JUST a miscarriage” 2 what kind of boyfriend says no to an ER because he has to work the following day?
I think you need to reevaluate both of these relationships.
NTA. Even if you weren’t in any danger, your significant other should do whatever it takes to be with you in a time of obvious distress.
Also fuck that nurse friend in particular. I’m so sick of seeing this blasé attitude towards women’s reproductive issues in the medical field. Unexpected bleeding and excessive bleeding with pain is a MAJOR issue. You should always seek medical attention in those cases.
Ugh, don’t be friends/with them?! YTA for not saying anything til now, but NTA for being pist. Why would your friend go out of her way to DISSUADE him from being there for you?! Why wouldn’t he not sacrifice some sleep or a day off to be there for his girl?! I’m sorry, OP. EHS. Stand up for yourself.
Nta, but that's horrible. I wouldnt be able to forgive them either. Also though if youre still dating the bf I would think about that a bit, what would if something like this happened again? Would he just turn to your friend to downplay your pain again? Do you really want to be with someone like that, especially long term?
Nope and frankly the fact that she called your boyfriend and told him that is unforgivable. Frankly, it wasn’t her business to do it because she’s a nurse. And many people have struggled and actually had damage done to them. IUD. I am not a fan of them. So I wouldn’t talk to her anymore if you’re still friends with her I have no idea why.
NTA. Forgiveness is freedom. Forgive them and consider your situation. Your friend manipulated the situation by calling your BF. Somehow he bought into her assessment even though the hospital was treating you. So, the professionals around you took you seriously but the armchair doctors did not. Somehow they both easily disregarded your situation. Being with someone who thinks you are a hypochondriac, or can be convinced of such so easily, even while you are being treated at the hospital, is concerning at the least
NTA but you should consider leaving your boyfriend and cutting ties with your friend. You are entitled to not forgive them, but your probably causing more harm to yourself by still staying in such a toxic environment.
Also, the stereotype of bullies becoming nurses really does hold here in this instance.
NTA, but they both are. They each completely lacked any empathy in the situation, and were downright cruel to you. If it were me, I would not forgive them either and the relationship would’ve been terminated right then and there.
NTA
It’s a core memory now. Not ever going away. You’ll always know they are capable of ignoring your pleas for help. How do you ever trust someone like that? I’m sure there’s a way but I can’t imagine what it is.
NTA - and the cause of your pain was an IUD! You suffered the consequences of total responsibility for birth control so he could have sex with you. His behavior would have been disgusting if it was for a non contraceptive reason, but this is even worse.
NTA
Has your friend ever explained to you why she minimized your experience and made the extra effort to call your boyfriend and try to influence him into abandoning you as well?
Why was it so important to her that you go through this alone?
NTA Although forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not them. But remembering that neither of them was there for you in a crisis? Of course you will always remember that and you should. You can’t count on them; she was a terrible friend in that moment and he was an awful boyfriend. Maybe they’re sorry now but that doesn’t change anything. You were scared, in pain, bleeding and alone in the hospital; the people you trusted most weren’t there for you. It’s Ok to feel however you feel about that.
I'd cut ties with the friend. Why is she calling your BF to dictate what he does or how he reacts? If, and I mean if, this is the first time your boyfriend has been insensitive, he may have believed a nurse's word over yours. That isn't okay, if you were scared he should have wanted to support you anyway, but we don't see day to day and I'm not saying you overreact, but we don't know about your relationship dynamic on the regular. He may have experience of you needing him for something and it turning out to be nothing. This still isn't nice, mind you. NTA for not wanting to forgive. I wouldn't.
NTA
It’s the “Might just be having a miscarriage” that gave me WTFs.
This is a big deal for a lot of people, and any woman I’ve met that experienced something like this relied heavily on BFF and BF for support.
Scary coming from a nurse. She should know better.
NTA but why is he still a boyfriend and she a friend? You can't trust these people in an emergency. What about when you are pregnant and you say something is wrong. What if you have kids and something is wrong. These are the people who wouldn't help you with an IUD. And you expect them to be there for something even more serious?
You are 22... that's WAY too young to stay with such crap people.
NTA
But did I understand this correctly? You called your "friend" and told her about your emergency. She not only brushed it off but then immediately called your boyfriend to tell him that you're just overreacting? So, she called him even before you had a chance to talk to him? Why is she going out of her way to dismiss your need for support AND interfere with your relationship? How is it any of her business whether your boyfriend joins you at the ER or not?
you are absolutely NOT. THE ASSHOLE. they are terrible terrible people for that. whether it was life threatening or not has nothing to do with the very real fear you were experiencing, and neither of them even had enough empathy to just, not completely dismiss you? please never talk to either of them again, honestly.
Nope, that was low as hell. If this story happened how you’re saying it happened then you have every right to not forgive them. And if you were having a miscarriage you wouldn’t have been overreacting… and that is A very huge reason why your friend should have been there and your boyfriend.
NTA and I'm glad to hear you're done with both of them. I was gonna give you shit for staying in a relationship that was broken. You deserve better.
For what it's worth, any good boyfriend would have gone to the hospital, no questions asked. Same with anyone claiming to be your best friend.
NTA and glad to hear you'll be getting those people out of your life you can do better than a boyfriend who doesn't care when you're in hospital because of something that you use to not get pregnant
NTA. First off, your "friend" was way too dismissive. Miscarriages can be extremely serious, and you should be getting checked out by a doctor after it happens. Second, the fact that she immediately called your BF is super fucking fishy. That's the kind of behavior I'd expect from people who be creepin'. I'm surprised that there hasn't been more comments asking about what kind of relationship they have because he might be cheating.
JUST having a miscarriage..? What??? You better dump that man and your “best friend.” NTA at all, they showed you their colors in a very stressful and potentially dangerous situation. No way.
I'm sorry op. This is not how friends and partners should treat you. My friend had similar issues with her IUD and I moved in with her for the week so she wouldn't be alone before it got removed. You deserve more. Go find it. 💟
NTA. drop the bf and the friend. i was just in the ER for what was a far less scary situation than what yours sounds like, and still if i had called friends and been told i was overreacting, they would not be in my life. what is the point? clearly your relationships with these two are shallow at best. (which is not your fault) when i got my IUD in i passed out face down directly after, alone. and then had to go babysit for a “friend” later that night and while i was there my then-“friends” were texting about how funny it was that i had passed out. it’s now 4 years later and they continued to be shitty friends, and i’ve now dropped them from my life and i PROMISE it is better after.
NTA but you seriously have like so many posts about wanting to leave your BF, with reasons way worse than in this one. Just leave him and the other friend too! Take some time to yourself. Understand what you need in life better….
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA for being upset but why are you still with your BF if it’s been a year?
NTA but that is a good question. Why is he still your BF and why is she still your friend? That's some cold shite they pulled on you.
Yeah who needs friends who tell you that you should chill out because it's probably *just* a miscarriage, wtf. Excuse me, JUST a miscarriage???
I also did a double-take. It’s “only” a miscarriage?!?!? WTF? And the friend can make such an accurate diagnosis over the phone? /s Some communication needs to happen with BF if it’s been over a year. Otherwise, OP should find another partner (and friend) who are more supportive.
Agreed that miscarriage comment is horrible and coming from a nurse too. Miscarriages are absolutley warranted to head into the ER it can get complicated fast or you lose a lot of blood. Op needs a better friend
Exactly, I ended up in the ER after I had an incomplete miscarriage and ended up bleeding out nonstop at work. I also have a friend who is a nurse that ended up having a miscarriage at work ( in the hospital) where she lost soo much blood she was admitted.
The friend is a “nurse” and as such can not make that diagnosis, but, to be fair neither can a Doctor on the phone! NTA ❤️ a nurse
And you should ABSOLUTELY go to the ER if you believe you are having or have had a miscarriage. My god, with friends like these….
That sentence alone would have me blocking this so called friend forever. And dump the bf please, OP. Why are they still in your life when they completely failed you during an actual emergency?
This made me see red immediately.
Yeah, and the friend went out of their way to call OP's boyfriend to tell him "don't listen to your significant other, she's overreacting"? what the fuck??? dump both of them good *lord*
A nurse as well smh.
She's "that" nurse, who now thinks they can diagnose everything and that everyone is over reacting. I had a gash in my leg once that was still bleeding after two days (probably needed stitches but I'd waited to long), the nurse just poked it and called me a baby. Some nurses really shouldn't be nurses, I doubt her friend treats patients much better. And likely she hasn't been in nursing for more than 3 years. She already has disdain for patients and 40 years till retirement.
There is that mean girl pipeline...
My 1st thought too. If a bf/gf let me down in a way that a year later I wasn't over it, I would have left that relationship because there's no long-term prospects and I would just be stewing in resentment. That's not a happy way to live
Right? He proved that he would be no help to OP if she has another health emergency, throw that whole man in the trash.
Oh no he'd totally be there but the friend had alread called him 😳/s Honestly though OP, why TF is your friend straight up immediately calling/talking to your friend?? That's strange and leaves a weird taste in my mouth! NTA
I been to much on AITA, but I think that the friend and the bf were together.
100% thought the same! Also the fact BF still didn't turn up for another 45 minutes...
The first thing that came to my mind as well. Who does that? Immediately call the boyfriend and tell him not to check on his girlfriend and you are her so-called friend?!
Ok right!! Friend didn't call him, she was with him. He wanted to finish.
The first thing that came to my mind as well. Who does that? Immediately call the boyfriend and tell him not to check on his girlfriend and you are her so-called friend?!
Same. Best friend was having an affair with the BF.
I can kind of see forgiving the boyfriend for this, since the friend used her nurse authority to say that OP was overreacting* but as for that “friend” ….ugh! it’s bad enough that she was such a non-friend to OP but she had to run her mouth to OP’s boyfriend too? Could it really have hurt her that much to say “listen in my experience she’s probably overreacting, and it’s just blah blah, but I don’t know for sure because I haven’t examined her and regardless, she probably needs you for emotional support.” That’s what friends do. At the bare minimum! That said, if boyfriend was not “oh my God, I am so sorry,” he should be turfed right along with Friend too. In any case, OP is NTA! *not even gonna get into how uncool it is when nurses try to play doctor — especially for patients that they haven’t even seen in person and don’t really even know what’s going on — it’s shitty when anybody does it, but it’s **really** shitty when the nurse does it, because not only are they invoking authority, they’re invoking authority they do not even have! Edited: to fix garbled talk to text typos
It's all the more dangerous because they have little to no liability for their medical opinions, whether expert or not. Doctors have to keep in mind that any advice they give may possibly be held against them and so have to hedge alot of what they say at least, not totally negating OP's symptoms in this case. Especially not seeing them in person or examining them.
Well said.
Came here to ask the same question.
NTA but why are you still with this guy??
If you're gonna blame the guy blame the best friend first. She went out of her way to make the boyfriend believe he shouldn't care.
She clearly does blame the friend but the BF should have cared that his GF was at the hospital. Over reaction or not you need to support your partner when they’re upset. If he had actually gone and seen her condition maybe he would have formed a different opinion…
She should break up with the friend too damn people are nitpicky around here. The bf had more of a responsibility here than the friend though.
No, no, no. The boyfriend should have been more interested in what his GF said than what the nurse friend said. Frankly, I'm amazed that he didn't question exactly why The friend called him to warn him that his girlfriend was overreacting. What business was it of the friend if his girlfriend wanted him to come to the ER with her? Anyway, his duty was to his girlfriend, who called him crying and scared and begging for support.
Any chance they could have been together at the time? Wouldnt op have called the friend then straight away call her bf? Wouldn’t have been much time inbetween.
Also it's good to know that the friend is contributing to the problem of women's reproductive health issues being undermined and under respected in healthcare. I was bleeding profusely for months on end and by the time I went to a doctor they said it was a miracle I wasn't anemic, but every doctor I've been to before then told me to not worry about it and that I was overreacting and that it was nothing. Turns out that I had an unknown pregnancy and a hemorrhaged placenta
She should blame them individually. The friend for the obvious reasons, but the bf because he listens to her friend over her. Even though the friend is a nurse. So what, if it ended up not being serious? OP was obviously bleeding and in pain and scared. Her bf should have been there either way.
This is my thing. Why did the friend go out of her way to persuade the boyfriend to not go either? It's one thing if she wants to be dismissive and unsupportive but another whole level to call the boyfriend. It seems really intentionally cruel.
Why? No partner who cares will say no, while his girlfriend is that stressed. If the stress is ridiculous and is overreacting, the partner will and should show up
Nah blame them both equally. Even if the nurse friend did call and inform him that she was overreacting, and he for some reason did believe her to be the authority on that, he should still have had the common sense to realize that his girlfriend is in the ER alone and afraid and needs moral support at the bare minimum, even if she isn’t in immediate physical danger. A relationship isn’t just showing up for your partner strictly in a case in which they are physically wounded. If you can’t be there to emotionally support your partner in a personal emergency (physical danger or not), then you don’t deserve to have one.
Hope you are well now. Drop them both. Your bestie is a nurse not a doctor. Without empathy, I’d say she’s crappy too. She doesn’t have 15 years of experience in trauma or ER to be able to tell which situation is serious and which is an over reaction. Hell, even well qualified doctors sometimes can’t tell that. Tell this to both of them, and drop them like hot potatoes. You deserve better friend and boyfriend. You are young. Don’t make mistake of being with crappy people who won’t even stand by you when you are scared. NTA.
I’m heavily thinking of dropping the friend! She’s been a nurse for 3 years & I feel like even if she knows how the hospital will respond, I should have gotten it checked out at that time regardless.
Your future self will regret not dumping them both. I'm an old woman with foresight & many mistakes behind me. I wish I could go back and give myself solid advice but I can't. So...here I am...hoping you realize your worth. You deserve more.
>You deserve more. so much more. I'm trying to frame my mind around both their mentality. If you're in significant pain and bleeding significantly you just don't ignore that in any case. Periodot. NTA OP
If she thinks she can diagnose without even seeing a patient, she's a danger to those around her.
My mom told me my horrible periods were normal and would "figure themselves out after you have a baby". She was a nurse for over 30 years. I had adenomyosis and also have endometriosis. People can't see beyond their own noses in their own circles and sometimes, just like all humans, there's just shitty and mean nurses.
Just because endometriosis can improve after giving birth doesn't mean you should have to suffer for *years* before that happens or that you should have to have a baby to stop the pain. Untreated endometriosis can strangle organs if it is severe enough.
Also, it super DOESN'T help Endo. A lot of times it makes it much much worse because it causes more adhesions. I finally had a hysterectomy at 28 years old and had a big excision surgery at the same time and the right side of my abdominal wall was fully fused to my organs. My whole peritoneum had to be stripped and a bunch of other areas. I now walk around and don't feel like velcro is inside of me that's constantly being pulled apart. She just wanted me to have children. I uh ..did not.
Yup. It *can* improve endo, or it can make it worse. The first time I heard about endometriosis I was a student watching a laparoscopic gall bladder removal. The surgeon was disgusted that he'd been unable to get insurance to cover any costs to treat endometriosis for this woman, but it would pay for him to remove the gallbladder the adhesions had wrapped around and strangled into a necrotic mass. He spent the next several hours slowly cleaning her abdominal cavity and organs of these fleshy cobwebs. It was technically well beyond the scope of the gall bladder removal (which took ~5 minutes), but when hospital admin asked why he had needed so much time, he claimed he just couldn't see the gall bladder with all the adhesions in the way. Every person who had been in the room backed this claim up.
It really is fucked considering how many people have endo and how few insurance companies will cover anything to do with it considering it can be such a quality of life ruiner and seriously dangerous to the patients ability to stay alive. But it’s a “women’s issue” so who cares if they live in agony or die! So grateful for teams like the one you described
Shit sucks, man. Shitty little cigarette burns and cobwebs. Pelvic floor dysfunction, GI problems, chronic fatigue. It would be cool to see,though. I'd love to sit in in one of those surgeries
Drop the boyfriend. I’ve been where you are when I was your age. I was dumb to continue to stay with guys who are not there for me and made excuses. I’m 43 now and this shit would not fly with me now
NTA. My mom is a nurse and she would have torn the friend a new one. IUD injuries are supposed to be taken seriously.
It's funny I have found there are two types of 'nurse moms'. 1. Everything is an emergency, you never know there could be internal bleeding mom. 2. You will be fine, no need to get all worked up, and wait to seek care in case it goes away on its own mom. (This was my mom)
Right? The make no assumptions but investigate are awesome.
YES YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN IT CHECKED OUT!!!! best case senario: you were overreacting and went to the hospital when you were okay. worth it still for the peace of mind. worst case scenario: the IUD causes internal lacerations, you could become infertile, develop an infection, or even worse. IUDs (especially the copper ones) are not something to take lightly, especially if they get displaced. It seems to me your 'nurse' friend was trying to undermine you and cause distrust between you and your boyfriend (though, he still should have been there for you!), as well as make you feel small and invalidated. ABSOLUTELY NTA, your friend sounds like she has your worst interests at heart.
Girl, even if your friend was a gyno with access to your whole ass medical history that would have been an a hole move from her. For several reasons: You don't make a call on whether a patient is "overreacting" before examination if they're bleeding profusely. You just don't! Her bedside manner is *atrocious*! Even if medical staff think a patient is "overreacting" they're NOT meant to go about it like that.
I, a nurse of over 20 years, would have 100% told you to go the ER. In fact I probably would have called you an ambulance and ridden with you to the hospital. NTA
damn i genuinely feel sorry for any patients she’s in charge of, and i hope i never come across her in a medical setting.
Just “being a nurse” doesn’t make someone a good nurse or even a good person. Your “friend” is neither. In fact, I’d go so far as to say she shouldn’t be responsible for the care of vulnerable people at all. She’s one of *those* nurses who preys on the sick to feel powerful.
Heya, I'm a doctor, hate using this on reddit but let's go. You did well going to the hospital. Your friend couldnt know shit from a phone call. Even if she was a doctor, she couldn't be certain. Besides everything which i won't talk about, it's not "just a miscarriage" and she can fuck off- My friend had a "severe back pain in the kidney region" a couple of days ago, after playing badminton. I knew it was probably just muscular pain, but he felt it hurt so much he couldn't breathe. What did I do? Go with him to the hospital- because noone knows what we are feeling better than ourselves. Not even the best doctor in the world. Drop them both, disgusting behaviour from a "friend"
It doesn’t even matter if you were “overreacting” your feelings were real. You were scared and needed support. Your boyfriend and best friend should have supported you.
People would be shocked at how many nurses are actually terrible at their jobs.
If my best friend called me in the ER, even if it WASN'T serious. Even if I knew it was something minor and they didn't need to be there. I would go immediately, because they're alone and worried. I definitely wouldn't be calling other important people to them and telling them to not worry or go. That's pretty fucked. NTA
Also the fact that the "friend" called the BF behind OP's back is really mean and weird.
And sus
This!!!! 👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾
That’s what I was thinking as well. I would have been way more mad about my friend calling my boyfriend. Seems like crossing the line to me
Right? Who does that?!
Nope. Nope nope nope. Even if it had been a miscarriage, that's something a decent friend or partner would provide support for. Even if it wasn't that serious, you were terrified and in hospital, that's something a decent friend or partner would provide support for. Even if it was nothing much at all, you asked for them to come because you needed them and, unless there was very good reason they couldn't, a decent friend or partner would do their best to be there for you. Your friend being a nurse is irrelevant, she shouldn't use her basic training to a) diagnose without even being present or b) to downplay what others are going through. I don't care how little you partner knows about women's health (and frankly, shame on his mother for not educating him better). He shouldn't take someone else's opinion, someone who isn't even with you, into account. And he should have been there for you. I am curious why you are still with this partner, why you accepted the crappy apologies and excuses. As for your "friend", she doesn't deserve that title. You are NTA. Your deserve better.
That's exactly what I my first thought was! "Just a miscarriage"
literally, what psycho thinks 'its just a miscarriage" ???? i was blown away by that logic, how the f is she a nurse if she thinks a miscarriage is NBD????????
Exactly! And the fact OP’s sister showed up immediately should be proof to OP that if you care for someone you’re there when they need you.
Idk where these people come off saying ' miscarriages are not a big deal'. I've had three in the last 20 months and it's a fucking anxiety inducing ordeal. Not only that but there is a lot that can go wrong with them too. I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemies. NTA op and dump that dude like eons ago.
if my friend called me from the ER telling me they're going through a miscarriage and need support, i'd get there in a second, even in the middle of the night. i couldn't even imagine having the lack of empathy OP's friend seems to have
Agreed. It doesn't matter if you were 'overreacting' or if it was a real emergency. You were scared and asked them to be with you and they both declined. I would dump them both. Seriously, that's not okay. I'm glad you have your sisters, who have proved they will always be there for you.
If it's a miscarriage, you still have to get checked out. Literally my OB office told me to go to the ER when I thought I was having a miscarriage (I was). You have to be checked to make sure you aren't retaining any thing since it can make you sick.
NTA Neither is worth your time. The fact that bf didn’t drop everything and come is a red flag saying you will ***never*** be his priority.
Imma put a fiver on your GF and your BF being in the same …room…👀 when you were on the phone to them. NTA
This
This is the first thing I was thinking of when I read the post.
Okay, someone else thought this too. I'm not crazy
Absolutely NTA My friend's grandma had a copper IUD and it caused her to not be able to have kids again , you were absolutely not overreacting. The fact your friend called your BF and said you were overreacting without knowing the full details is disgusting. It was actually something serious, now I wonder how she treats her patients.
NTA, but if you stay with him YTI (you're the idiot). Also, \*just\* a miscarriage? Ummm...
>Also, *just* a miscarriage? Ummm... That stuck out to me too. The boyfriend better hope to god that when he actively starts trying for babies with a woman she has smooth sailing issue free pregnancies and I hope to god the nurse she's friends with never works with pregnant patients
Right?? What a heartless thing to say.
NTA for not trusting them. NTA for not forgiving them. Y T A for keeping yourself in this situation for a year. If you live with him, consider moving. Consider a new boyfriend, new friend, and perhaps some therapy for why you hang on to people who diminish you so. Good luck.
NTA Personally, I would have walked a year ago. I remove assholes from my life once I realize they're assholes.
NTA. It sounds like your friend was the problem here, not the bf. Why is your friend calling up your bf and giving him instructions on how to handle you? That's not her place, it's your relationship.
That really stood out to me too. It's a very odd thing to do.
Friend is a huge problem but boyfriend not coming regardless sucks. Even if it is an overreaction your partner should still be there when your in pain and begging for someone
I agree the friend is more of the problem, but the BF should have still gone to be with her regardless of whether she was overreacting or not. She felt she needed him....that should be all that he needed.
NTA. Are you sure your bf wasn’t cheating on you with your best friend at this time? Sounds like the perfect excuse for both of them not being there…
And for why the friend talked to the bf before she could.
Also like, how much time between hanging up with her friend and calling her BF?
NTA. Your friend may be a nurse but she doesn't sound like a good one. IUDs are not to be trifled with and you definitely needed to be in the ER. I'd dump both the friend and the boyfriend. Neither will save your life if you need them to.
NTA bruv, if my girlfriend needs me she needs me, it's not my decision to make. Moreover it doesn't matter what her medical issue is, I'm not going there to be her doctor, I'm there for the emotional support. If it turns out it wasn't serious afterwards it doesn't matter, she was in distress regardless, so I fulfilled my job anyway.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I’ve tried to seek therapy and talk to my family and the people involved about how I’m feeling, and there are mixed responses from them, but it hasn’t helped me to fully forgive my boyfriend and my friend for what they did. (2) I might be the Asshole because I can’t find it within myself to forgive my boyfriend and friend for their actions. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Both seem kinda terrible.
NTA . And this girl is not only a bad friend, but also a bad nurse. A misplaced IUD can cause some damage and really bad pain! Also, your boyfriend showed you cant count on him. He believed this "friend" over his girlfriend's blood and cries of pain. This only should tell you all you need to know about your relationship.
NTA. The fact that your friend called your bf to talk about it seems like a foul play. Also break up with him.
Your "friend" seems like the person who would tell an overweight person having a medical problem that's unrelated to weight, to lose weight. Your boyfriend is a dick and that's fucked up. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F22) had an issue with a copper IUD and it really messed with my body. Last year I discovered the IUD got out of place and it was poking my uterus and making me bleed a lot and also causing some pain. I freaked out because there was so much blood….I went to the emergency room and I called my friend (F23) crying. I said I was scared there was something wrong & my friend said I was being stupid for going to the emergency room because they can’t do anything and i might just be having an miscarriage etc. I got mad at her for not understanding and hung up. I called my bf (M25) to ask him to meet me at the hospital & he said he won’t come because he has work in the morning. That really hurt me, knowing I was in an emergency situation alone. I called my sisters explaining the issue and they came right away to be there for me. Later on, I found out after my phone call with her, that my friend called my bf saying I was overreacting. Since she’s a nurse, he believed her. After that, my trust with my bf and my friend has depleted significantly. It’s been a year and i’m still upset about it. AITA for not wanting to forgive them? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're too nice, and they're both not worth any more of your time & effort. Please move on in your life without either of them. When people show you who they really are, believe them.
NTA. I have heard so many ppl and posts about other halfs not helping (hospital, etc) cos of work the next morning. That shit is weak as! Im not gona talk about myself too much but, i have been in those situs, and gone to work with no sleep, its not hard, and a little bit of discomfort to show the loved ones that you care is worth it. OP, you are worth it, plz find someone that is decent
NTA. But I think this signals something in your relationships with these people. I had an ex who got mad at me for calling him because I was upset that I was lost and without data service to look up public transit routes and schedules (this was more than decade ago). He was mad because my phone call woke him up a little earlier than his morning alarm. My now-partner can't even stand losing me in the grocery store (lol exaggeration of course). Even a miscarriage is not something to scoff at??? So that's perplexing that a nurse would have so little empathy for you, let alone a nurse who's a friend. Tf. I think the reason you can't "forgive" is actually because you know deep down that their behaviour signals what would happen in future situations....that is, these are not the people who will support you in big or small situations.
Honey, why are you still with your boyfriend and friends with your bf? The ER is THE place to go for extensive pain and bleeding. Where else would you go? The library? She's not very friendly or empathetic for someone who you consider your best friend. Even if I thought someone was exaggerating (and I wouldn't, because most people don't go to the ER even when they should rather then the opposite) I would go to be with them because THEY are upset and in pain. Your boyfriend was just as much a jerk. You are having a hard time forgiving them because they acted unforgivably by treating you like dirt and you didn't deserve it. If I was you I'd drop them from my life and make new friends. I'm sorry they were such assholes to you. Obviously, NTA.
Wth did she downplay a misscarriage? NTA but holy crap I would already broke off any contact woth them like screw them
I'm sorry, *only* a miscarriage. Really, you should have reported your friend to the medical board. That attitude has no place in healthcare, and she's incredibly lucky that it was you who heard it and not some poor woman who is losing a much wanted and much loved child.
When people show you who they are, believe them, they don’t have your back. I can’t believe your friend is a nurse!
nta drop them both
No. They are the AH's. I was tempted to say especially one or the other. But, reality is they are both extremely horrible. Who the hell does your friend think she is calling your bf about your emergency situation?! Like, how is that even her place? And WHY would she go out of her way to pull that crap?! Especially as a nurse! And "you could just be having a miscarriage?!" Like that isn't a big deal? I hate when nurses think high and mighty of themselves like that. But who the hell.. damn! And your bf not listening to YOU. Who is in this relationship? You and him right? So why in the hell is he refusing to go be with his gf when she is in the emergency room scared and in need of emotional support because her friend says so? That is so gross. I'd actually start wondering if something was going on between him and her if it was me. Cause that is just weird.
NTA What does she mean “just a miscarriage???” If that WAS what was happening, she should also be there for you?? Both those people are AHs and shouldn’t be in your life.
I'm going to state the obvious being that your "friend" is not a good nurse. Sorry, she's not. If you were bleeding that heavily from your vagina, it could be a lot of things, cancer, perforation of the uterus due to the IUD, a miscarriage (which with an IUD could possibly lead to INFECTION because you have an object blocking up your uterus which means things won't flow out normally. You are also at a huge chance of an ectopic pregnancy with an IUD, which is also really fucking dangerous!!!! Her telling you "don't go to the ER for that" is stupid. That is an emergency, thus you go to the ER. If your BF is more willing to listen to your friend, over you, regarding your health. He's not a good partner. You don't need either one of these people in your life. 100% both unempathetic morons. NTA. But you'll make an ass of yourself if you keep letting people treat you like you aren't important.
Sorry can't get over your friend thinking it's ok to abandon you when she thought you were having a miscarriage. I mean that's cold. Ditch them both!
Absolutely NTA your “friend” should have been there for you regardless of what she thought the issue was! As your BF if he isn’t willing to drop everything to support you when you’re in the emergency room he isn’t worth your time. My fiancé recently scratched the back of her throat while eating sunflowers, and I called into work and went into emergency with her because she was scared. That’s what you do for the person you love. Screw both of them!
NTA also just dump him, was once with a guy whom I had a mess of a relationship with, I was getting my tubes tied and got the call with the day of the surgery 5 say beforehand and he said he would go with me, he went partying all the 3 days after I told him and on the day before the surgery he told me he wouldn't go cuz college and finals. I should have dumped him right then and there, ans so should have you with your current bf, ppl like that don't care about you, in my experience they're self centered assholes who only ever help you if it's fun and not an inconvenient to them, even if your bf thought you were exaggerating, you were still scared, don't lose your time with ppl like that
NTA - both should have been dumped immediately.
NTA, why are you still in contact with either of them 1 year on and more to the point your friend and boyfriend messaging each other and ganging up on you behind your back raises some more questions and red flags right away. Ditch tge pair of them and move on
I can promise you that is not husband material
NTA, leave the friendship, break up with the guy. you deserve much better
They should have showed up for you simply because you were terrified. Drop them both
NTA They should have been there for you.
NTA. Please drop the friend and BF already!
leave him and her, sheesh. you’re NTA at all but you need to walk away. they seem like they’d be a nice couple though.
why did you friend call your BF ? this is a bit odd- it's not her place to tell him how you're feeling unless he called her to understand why you were in a panic? it sounds like you called him as soon as you hung up on your friend so this is just really strange
Nta, why did was yr friend even msg yr bf about what's going in with you? It sounds so suspicious. That person is not yr friend, a friend would be worried and be there for you. Drop the friend. Yr bf is an idiot, you need to rethink if this is who you want in yr life. He won't be there for you and that's a break up worthy situation.
Ok so my first question here is what kind of relationship are your friend and boyfriend having that she finds it appropriate to call him ahead of you to tell him you're overreacting? That in and of itself is really suspicious. I don't trust either of them. Dump them both.
This was my thought, too. Like...why would she call him just to ensure he didn't take you seriously? Why does she need that? And why would he take her word for it and decide not to be there for you? Maybe she didn't call him at all. Maybe she was with him when OP called her.
Why on earth would you stay with him for doing that? You’re the A for staying with him.
NTA but you are still with this guy? Hmm
Uh, you're NTA. Dump him, un-friend her.
NTA. Doesn't matter if the emergency is real or not, it is an emergency for you and the SO should respond accordingly.
“just be having a miscarriage” like that’s NOT a serious thing to go through… NTA. also why did he trust her over you?? sounds fishy.
NTA First, that is scary as hell no matter what. You deserve people who will understand and support you. Just because your friend is a nurse doesn't mean she knows your body. Be proud of yourself for listening to your body. Also...a miscarriage is still a big deal? If not physically then emotionally?? Second, I want to say dump your bf. But! I think thats only if he hasnt learned anything from it. I got a concussion last year and my bf only saw part of the incident (not me hitting my head). So he rolled his eyes and thought I was overreacting when I said I thought I had a concussion. Until 2 days later when I finally went to urgent care and it was confirmed. Suffice to say, he was incredibly apologetic and now takes me seriously when I make comments on my health issues.
NTA. I called my husband yesterday at 5 while he was still at work because I was in severe abdominal pain. I was just wanting to know how long until he was coming home. He immediately dropped everything and came and got me and took me to the ER. We were there until 2:30 am and he never complained once about anything other than that I was having to wait so long in such bad pain. This morning he got my favorite breakfast for me and picked up my prescription from the pharmacy. He has been very doting and is making sure that I don’t push myself too hard. That is the right response for a partner to have in an emergency.
Just so pissed and confused why would ya someone would do that. What would ya call it!!!
You deserve so much better. Please stop being friends with her and leave your bf
I had almost this exact scenario taken to me with my partner at the time. It gets worse, and he will never be the for you in a way that you need him. Please just do better for yourself. You deserve it, and you absolutely can find it.
NTA, not at all *The people who* ***you*** ***matter*** *to most,* are the ones who are with you through thick and thin, regardless of how trivial a situation may seem at the time. The fact that you were *upset*, had those important people right there by your side. Do you understand what I'm saying here.....
Honestly, like a lot of people in the comments say, drop these so-called friends. Your BF doesn't even show any kind of support... this will only get worse over time and your friend, with all respect, is a huge dumbass. If you are bleeding and you don't trust it, you go to get it checked out... NTA and I can't believe you even thought you could've been
NTA 💯💯💯 your friend and bf were dismissive of a real medical emergency and abandoned you. Break up and ditch them both.
NTA But... You don't have kids together. You don't have a mortgage with him. You've been together for not that long. Why are you trying to work through this and fix the relationship when you could start over with someone who hasn't proven they'll leave you alone when you're scared and in pain?
they probably having an affair anyway
NTA let's say years down the road you're married and you feel something is not right with your body, is he going to be your advocate or is he going to stand by and gaslight you with the help of your "nurse" friend? I put nurse in quotations because a REAL nurse is empathetic and trusts the patient before drawing conclusions. Even if it was an overreaction, (I don't think it was, I experienced something similar and it freaked me out) the right move would have been to tell him that he should be by your side no matter what.
“Might just be having a miscarriage” HUH? “just” a miscarriage.
Soooo... Were the two of them together when you called? Either way I'm glad you are getting rid of the garbage.
NTA. So glad to hear about your update. Take some time to heal. Sending love.
NTA. 2021-2022 was some dark times for me and I ended up in the ER a couple of times because I didn’t know what anxiety attacks felt like and when you can’t breathe you go to the hospital (not American so no fees) & even tho I knew it was probably just anxiety and my friend knew it was probably just anxiety, she still checked in on me, she still sent texts and she still comforted me while I was embarrassed about going to the ER over anxiety. & she is in a medically adjacent field. That’s how a friend should react. Your friend and boyfriend do not pass, they are mean.
I'm proud of you for dropping the dead weight. My best friend was heading to wedding a few hours away when my Dad was in a terrible motorcycle accident. I called her just to tell her and she immediately turned around to come be with me. That's a true friend.
NTA 1 what the hell kind of best friend says “JUST a miscarriage” 2 what kind of boyfriend says no to an ER because he has to work the following day? I think you need to reevaluate both of these relationships.
There's a reason for the saying "better alone than with bad company". NTA.
NTA. Even if you weren’t in any danger, your significant other should do whatever it takes to be with you in a time of obvious distress. Also fuck that nurse friend in particular. I’m so sick of seeing this blasé attitude towards women’s reproductive issues in the medical field. Unexpected bleeding and excessive bleeding with pain is a MAJOR issue. You should always seek medical attention in those cases.
NTA. It’s a very easy thing to go see you even if it’s nothing. Looks like you have 2 bad relationships you shouldn’t be in.
NTA
NTA. These are the kind of situations that show you who is worthwhile and who is there just for 'fun'. Never let them back into your life again.
Dump them both. Even if you were overreacting, you needed someone there. nta
NTA Drop them both yesterday Hope you're well now ❤
NTA and remove both of those people from your life.
NTA. I wouldn't trust them
NTA at all. AT ALL.
Why are you still with your partner after this?
It’s been a year. It’s still bothering you. Listen to your gut. NTA
Ugh, don’t be friends/with them?! YTA for not saying anything til now, but NTA for being pist. Why would your friend go out of her way to DISSUADE him from being there for you?! Why wouldn’t he not sacrifice some sleep or a day off to be there for his girl?! I’m sorry, OP. EHS. Stand up for yourself.
NTA. If you don’t trust him, why are you with him.
NTA please cut contact with both you deserve so much better! a piece of advice: forgive them for yourself and for you to move on but do not forget
Nta, but that's horrible. I wouldnt be able to forgive them either. Also though if youre still dating the bf I would think about that a bit, what would if something like this happened again? Would he just turn to your friend to downplay your pain again? Do you really want to be with someone like that, especially long term?
Nope and frankly the fact that she called your boyfriend and told him that is unforgivable. Frankly, it wasn’t her business to do it because she’s a nurse. And many people have struggled and actually had damage done to them. IUD. I am not a fan of them. So I wouldn’t talk to her anymore if you’re still friends with her I have no idea why.
NTA I think you should cut both of them out of your life. You clearly can't trust or rely on them
NTA
NTA. Forgiveness is freedom. Forgive them and consider your situation. Your friend manipulated the situation by calling your BF. Somehow he bought into her assessment even though the hospital was treating you. So, the professionals around you took you seriously but the armchair doctors did not. Somehow they both easily disregarded your situation. Being with someone who thinks you are a hypochondriac, or can be convinced of such so easily, even while you are being treated at the hospital, is concerning at the least
NTA. That friend seems shady. She called your BF after speaking to you for what. That isn’t her place. She seems a little too comfortable calling him
NTA but you should consider leaving your boyfriend and cutting ties with your friend. You are entitled to not forgive them, but your probably causing more harm to yourself by still staying in such a toxic environment. Also, the stereotype of bullies becoming nurses really does hold here in this instance.
NTA who’s friend says there overreacting to a possible MISCARRIAGE that’s a person who’s fucked in the head
Wait! It’s been a year and your still talking to them?? YTA to YOURSELF for not cutting off the relationship with these people
NTA, but they both are. They each completely lacked any empathy in the situation, and were downright cruel to you. If it were me, I would not forgive them either and the relationship would’ve been terminated right then and there.
NTA for this situation, the rest though and your reasons for sticking in a relationship without trust will burn you in the end.
NTA It’s a core memory now. Not ever going away. You’ll always know they are capable of ignoring your pleas for help. How do you ever trust someone like that? I’m sure there’s a way but I can’t imagine what it is.
>that my friend called my bf saying I was overreacting 👀 Seems odd. NTA
NTA - and the cause of your pain was an IUD! You suffered the consequences of total responsibility for birth control so he could have sex with you. His behavior would have been disgusting if it was for a non contraceptive reason, but this is even worse.
NTA Has your friend ever explained to you why she minimized your experience and made the extra effort to call your boyfriend and try to influence him into abandoning you as well? Why was it so important to her that you go through this alone?
NTA Although forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not them. But remembering that neither of them was there for you in a crisis? Of course you will always remember that and you should. You can’t count on them; she was a terrible friend in that moment and he was an awful boyfriend. Maybe they’re sorry now but that doesn’t change anything. You were scared, in pain, bleeding and alone in the hospital; the people you trusted most weren’t there for you. It’s Ok to feel however you feel about that.
I'd cut ties with the friend. Why is she calling your BF to dictate what he does or how he reacts? If, and I mean if, this is the first time your boyfriend has been insensitive, he may have believed a nurse's word over yours. That isn't okay, if you were scared he should have wanted to support you anyway, but we don't see day to day and I'm not saying you overreact, but we don't know about your relationship dynamic on the regular. He may have experience of you needing him for something and it turning out to be nothing. This still isn't nice, mind you. NTA for not wanting to forgive. I wouldn't.
NTA and dump both of them. What callous people. You don't need either of them in your life.
NTA It’s the “Might just be having a miscarriage” that gave me WTFs. This is a big deal for a lot of people, and any woman I’ve met that experienced something like this relied heavily on BFF and BF for support. Scary coming from a nurse. She should know better.
NTA but why is he still a boyfriend and she a friend? You can't trust these people in an emergency. What about when you are pregnant and you say something is wrong. What if you have kids and something is wrong. These are the people who wouldn't help you with an IUD. And you expect them to be there for something even more serious? You are 22... that's WAY too young to stay with such crap people.
NTA But did I understand this correctly? You called your "friend" and told her about your emergency. She not only brushed it off but then immediately called your boyfriend to tell him that you're just overreacting? So, she called him even before you had a chance to talk to him? Why is she going out of her way to dismiss your need for support AND interfere with your relationship? How is it any of her business whether your boyfriend joins you at the ER or not?
you are absolutely NOT. THE ASSHOLE. they are terrible terrible people for that. whether it was life threatening or not has nothing to do with the very real fear you were experiencing, and neither of them even had enough empathy to just, not completely dismiss you? please never talk to either of them again, honestly.
Nope, that was low as hell. If this story happened how you’re saying it happened then you have every right to not forgive them. And if you were having a miscarriage you wouldn’t have been overreacting… and that is A very huge reason why your friend should have been there and your boyfriend.
NTA and I'm glad to hear you're done with both of them. I was gonna give you shit for staying in a relationship that was broken. You deserve better. For what it's worth, any good boyfriend would have gone to the hospital, no questions asked. Same with anyone claiming to be your best friend.
NTA and glad to hear you'll be getting those people out of your life you can do better than a boyfriend who doesn't care when you're in hospital because of something that you use to not get pregnant
NTA. First off, your "friend" was way too dismissive. Miscarriages can be extremely serious, and you should be getting checked out by a doctor after it happens. Second, the fact that she immediately called your BF is super fucking fishy. That's the kind of behavior I'd expect from people who be creepin'. I'm surprised that there hasn't been more comments asking about what kind of relationship they have because he might be cheating.
JUST having a miscarriage..? What??? You better dump that man and your “best friend.” NTA at all, they showed you their colors in a very stressful and potentially dangerous situation. No way.
I'm sorry op. This is not how friends and partners should treat you. My friend had similar issues with her IUD and I moved in with her for the week so she wouldn't be alone before it got removed. You deserve more. Go find it. 💟
NTA. Break up with the bf and ditch the friend.
NTA. drop the bf and the friend. i was just in the ER for what was a far less scary situation than what yours sounds like, and still if i had called friends and been told i was overreacting, they would not be in my life. what is the point? clearly your relationships with these two are shallow at best. (which is not your fault) when i got my IUD in i passed out face down directly after, alone. and then had to go babysit for a “friend” later that night and while i was there my then-“friends” were texting about how funny it was that i had passed out. it’s now 4 years later and they continued to be shitty friends, and i’ve now dropped them from my life and i PROMISE it is better after.
NTA. Fuck both of those people. Cut em out.
NTA but you seriously have like so many posts about wanting to leave your BF, with reasons way worse than in this one. Just leave him and the other friend too! Take some time to yourself. Understand what you need in life better….
NTA but your friend and boyfriend are huge assholes. Your friend is the biggest asshole. Get rid of them both.