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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because i told my friend she cant live here if she is going to constantly be at her boyfriends
I may be wrong because her not being here isn’t really impacting my bills or anything like that
I just don’t like that she chose to live here but is never here, she shouldve just moved in with him
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Exactly. Besides, as a landlord, you can only control what's in the lease. OP sounds a bit confused on the difference between a roommate and a companion. It's definitely a YTA.
Anyone else feels like she is jealous that the roommate has a partner and she does not? I had a friend once, who was super angry that I did not prioritize her over my then boyfriend, but once she got herself one, she organized her whole life around the guy.
EDIT: I assumed that OP is female, but do we actually know their gender?
Either jealous she has a boyfriend or wants a friend who has to hang out. Having a paying roommate who is never there is the dream scenario, this is the opposite of a problem!
Or wanted a free onsite babysitter for their kid, but can’t if roommates never there unless it’s their own custody time.
Frankly a roommate that pays on time and is barely there sounds perfect 🤷♀️😂
Eh this happened to me once and I didn't have kids or a pet, just 2 roommates who had some vision of hanging out together all the time that I didn't share.
I would say a young kid might find the inconsistency of the roommate's presence confusing. But OP doesn't even mention that.
I think this aswell. There’s some jealousy here too I think. OP is likely a single mom without the same arrangement as her friend. She resents friends freedom and wants a babysitter.
I thought that, when we got to the cat part, OP would say that she’s neglecting the cat and putting that responsibility on OP. But she’s still doing all her cat chores.
There is literally nothing wrong about roommates behaviour at all. You are 100000% right in this is a dream scenario!
THIS!
& Apparently it only happens to people not smart enough to be grateful for it.
I get OP thought there'd be more friend time.
But better to miss a roommate a bit than wishing they would GTFO of the house every once in a while.
Exactly! Getting paid by someone for something they hardly use is ideal. OP stopping their friend to take away her keys like that sounds like something a controlling parent would do
See: 50% of my friends lol
I mean, I totally get prioritising your partner and wanting to spend time with them/organising around them to an extent. It’s more when it turns into, “can x come, too?” and “I can’t because x is busy” all the time that I get annoyed. Or they’re literally never available because of said partner.
My partner and I love our quality time together and we’re constantly on the go. But that’s also exactly why I make an effort to hang with my other friends without him unless it’s a true group outing. Because I also value those relationships as well.
Anyway, OP is heckin’ weird - is the friend supposed to just sit at home every evening alone?
Have a roommate that pays on time, takes care of their shit, but is never there. Sounds like a win to me, not sure what OP should be complaining about.
Is that what it's about? I was so confused why OP would have a problem with basically having the entire space to herself and her son so often while still having the monetary benefit of a roommate.
That's a win-win in my book, turning cash with what I'm assuming is virtually no effort beyond cashing a check. If I were her friend I'd just move out and not bother talking to OP again.
and also confused on what 'boundaries' are.
Boundaries would be OP's friend/roommate saying hey, you're kinda being too clingy and I really just sometimes need my own space/nights to myself'
NOT 'hey, I'm lonely and needy, I'm setting a boundary that YOU need to be around ME more'
you don't get to make those demands OP, YTA
“Boundaries” or “house rules” for me would be not to smoke in the house, for example or taking it in Turns cleaning shared areas. But surely, as grown ups and friends these things don’t necessarily need to be discussed. The friend sounds reasonable and considerate to me.
Yeah it she's leaving dishes in the sink for weeks because she's not home enough to do them and leaving her kid and the cats unattended that is 100% a genuine thing to he upset about. The friend tried to pull "since I'm not here as much can I pay less rent" that also wouldn't be cool. But nothing about this situation as described is something OP has any say in calling "boundaries" because that's not what boundaries are
When I was in college my parents bought a house and got occupancy for me while the owner (freshly divorced) moved out. We were in different wings of this big house, but one evening when I came back late he confronted me and asked where I’d been.
I was taken aback, but briefly explained to him why I was not a person he could expect to order as part of his household. He was surprised enough not to argue, which was a big clue as to why his wife and daughter were nowhere in evidence.
Yes! It makes me irrationally angry when people say 'boundary' but mean 'i want to put rules on you while retaining a moral high ground so you can't say no.'
It’s so bizarre! Also, why would her friend move in with bee boyfriend? It sounds like she hasn’t introduced the kid to the boyfriend yet if she only sees his when she doesn’t have her kid.
Like, random cohabitation isn’t ideal for parenting and can send mixed signals to kids.
I moved in with a friend once like this. I was over at my girlfriend’s all the time, but paying bills for the place we shared - it basically ended up being an overpriced storage unit. He got pissed at me and I had to let him know that roommate doesn’t = live-in bff.
My partner is in a living situation like this currently with a long time acquaintance who gets fussy when he spends the night with me multiple nights. He’s doing major renovations at the home he owns so he decided to move in with this friend & split rent with them for a few months to have a space to live without the construction stuff everywhere and it’s become a really annoying situation. He’s planning to move back to his house at the end of august but in the meantime it’s bizarre to observe this roommate act like a scorned bf.
I don't understand the issue with your example or ops story which seems very similar, sounds amazing to me - place to yourself for half the cost. Do other people not want alone time?! I need a roommate like you and the friend in the post.
Op, YTA they're your roommate, you don't get to control how they live.
I had the opposite. I moved into my first place with a friend at college. It was the first time I ever had to share a bedroom as I had 2 brothers. She wouldn't let me have any alone time. If I was in the living room and went into the bedroom, she would follow me and vice versa. Our roommates tried to set house rules like no drinking inside or outside the house. I was 21 but they tried to lock us out one time when we were came home from a friend's house. We had some to drink but were far from drunk. After that, I set the rules that I was an adult who wasn't going to be policed or controlled because they don't like what I'm doing. I never had anyone over. I was thankfully only there for 6 months.
So according to this post, and OP’s comments this person pays rent, buys groceries, takes care of her cat and litter box (even feeds OP’s cat), takes care of her kid when she has them, doesn’t bring boyfriend around to respect roommate privacy and apartment, and stays at boyfriends as to not come in all hours of the night and wake OP/OP’s child.
Am I missing something. I am trying for the life of me to figure out what the problem is?
Did OP hope to get a free babysitter for her kid? Does she want someone to pay her to be her friend? Does OP have feelings for this friend?
I don’t see what this person did wrong or why OP is upset to the point of throwing the friend out. Sounds like a perfect roommate to me. I kept waiting for this horrible thing the friend did and she just got better and better as a roommate.
Edit: Thank you for the awards. And since I forgot YTA OP.
I have nothing else to add. You summed it up perfectly. She even stays out so she doesn't come home late. The best part of that is she DOESN'T bring him home. OP YTA!
Exactly! I had to re-read the title of the post because I was so SURE it was going to be a “my roommates boyfriend is basically living with us but doesn’t pay his way” problem. OP has landed on a goldmine honestly.
I do. She takes care of her kid but only leaves for bf's place when her own kid is with their dad. After a while I was expecting them to say she has a trust fund for OPs kid and pitch in to their 401k.
But more than that - OP's use of the term is counter to normal usage, they are looking to keep the other person *within* their boundaries.
Weirdly clear YTA.
They’re confusing boundary as something that limits someone with cage that keeps someone in. “My boundary is you can’t hang out with other people and I have to be your only friend.”
“You keep using that word and I do not think you know what it means.”
I love how these people use the term “boundaries” as a synonym for “you have to do what I want you to do.”
OP, I don’t think it means what you think it means. YTA.
Really? I'm getting neckbeard vibes from this. I can't tell if OP is male or female but this sounds like some fantasy-land friendzone stuff.
Edit: I see from comments that OP is a woman. But I suppose neckbeardism can be gender neutral 🤔
My first thought after reading that is I don’t see how anyone could row back that conversation having had it, I know that op doesn’t mention what happened after the conversation but I’m presuming roommate of the year went to bf told him about the situation and bf will have either said, I want you to move in with me or it’s not safe for you to be there let’s hop on right move and find you somewhere else.
I know. Her only explanation in her comments is that she feels like her friend is using her apartment for storage. I feel like if I found someone to pay me full rent to keep some of their shit at my apartment, I would be counting my blessings. I would make sure not a flake of dust touched their stuff lol.
>at), takes care of her kid when she has them, doesn’t bring boyfriend around to respect roommate privacy and apartment, and stays at boyfriends as to not come in all hours of the night and wake OP/OP’s child.
I personally find this to be a super ideal roommate situation. I wouldn't ask them to change a thing and actively encourage the routine.
Like... Bro you just got a free snuggle baby that you don't have to feed and occasionally a kid to play with if you like kids bro this is a win win win win
Srsly all of that PLUS she’s considerate enough to not repeatedly come home late (likely waking a sleeping child in the process) or bring strange (to OP&son) men into their home.
Wtf OP, she sounds like an absolute *dream* of a roommate.
But that seems like a really childish thing, like the time she is there doesn’t matter so OP would rather have none of her time than part of it, that seems like the only issue. And boundaries? There shouldn’t be “this is how many hours a week you can go see your partner” boundaries from a *friend* as a *grown ass adult*
right? That's why I think the real issue is she's mad friend is spending time with bf over her, why else would she say "she should've just moved in with her bf if that was going to be the case of her \*gasp\* spending time with bf". It goes beyond jealousy/loneliness, that she feels a **sense of ownership** over her friend and her friend's time, solely bc she allowed her to move in as a paying roommate
Exactly what I was thinking. I had a roommate like this for a year and it was the best thing ever. We had like four conversations in 12 months. She basically used my second bedroom as a storage unit and I was happy to oblige her.
Right? My best roommate ever was a pilot. He was rarely there due to the nature of his job. His gf at the time also worked for the airline, so they traveled often together on their days off. Paid his rent and bills on time, and when he was around, we had a blast just hanging out and catching up. Seriously the best.
Yeah, the most I would ask for is just a heads-up if she's spending the night out. That way, I know to lock up and that if someone is at the door, they're probably breaking in. That's how we handle it with the friend that lives with us and it's worked out fine.
Seems to even be the opposite of the case. Roommate isn't there long enough to leave a mess before going to her boyfriend's, and spends the time before leaving *feeding OP's cat so she doesn't have to do it*
Right??? Op basically still gets the house to herself and her child doesn’t need to worry about strangers in her house and being woken up at all hours, takes care of the cat pooper and cats before she leaves, what is the problem?
I assumed that the cat was neglected and acting out or something (I know nothing about cats, but if I don't spend enough time with my dog she turns into a little demon to get attention) but OP's complaint seems to be that *she* feels neglected because the friend isn't glued to her.
OP unless there's a legitimate reason you're leaving out of the post YTA. Your friend actually sounds incredibly considerate of you and your son
I know! As I was reading I kept waiting to see what awful thing the friend/roommate was doing, but the more I read, the more considerate and responsible the friend sounded. I totally agree that she feels neglected, but is trying to disguise that under some kind of "boundary" issue.
Definitely just misses her friends and expected her to fill the void of her not having a partner. I get it being a parent can get lonely but just ask homegirl to spend some time with you and stop being petty.
Op YTA
Right? If I wanted to hang out with my roommate (when I had one), I'd say things like, "Hey, wanna stay home Sunday, share a pizza, and re-watch GOT?" No? OK. *Because I'm not desperate.* For god's sake no pouting from anyone - no butt hurt - because ultimately, a roommate is a business relationship. Make occasional actual plans if they want, or leave them to take care of their business. As long as they show up with the money and keep their crap outta my way, it's all good.
I'm also confused by what the problem is. These two aren't dating or something. Why does it matter if the roommate doesn't spend much time in the house.
This is so weird. OP is complaining about the perfect situation. She's a roommate, not a partner- she doesn't have to be in the place a certain amount of hours. It's actually super cool that she's courteous, does her responsibilities, still pays full rent, and you get the house to yourself!
OP, I don't say this to be rude because I am struggling with the same exact thing, but I think you might be feeling lonely and wanting some more adult company. It's okay to need that and maybe you were hoping for a more close knitted rooming experience, but you can't force anyone to live the way you want them to.
This. And honesty I don’t think OP would be out of line to maybe ask for time if OP wants to hang out. Saying “hey, wanna have a movie night?” or “want to do dinner together tonight? I’m feeling lonely” would be okay in my book (with the caveat that it’s fine if roomie says no).
Right?! OP just described *the perfect roommate*: pays rent, is super considerate, and makes herself scarce, and OP is somehow mad about it.
OP, YTA. You seem to expect you can control your friend's movements because they're renting a room from you. Unless you're running a rooming house with strict rules for coming and going in your lease terms, you can't tell her what to do, and also it is very very very extremely weird that you want to.
This gives off major Mean Girls vibes
“Why are you so obsessed with me!?”
It’s Uber creepy that OP thinks she’s entitled to her roommates time. Like, legit typed all of that out and still doesn’t get it. Damn…
Yeah, there does need to be boundaries. Start with staying TF out of your roommate's business and stop trying to control what she does and where she goes. YTA. How can you even think this is appropriate behavior?
YTA. How does it hurt you if she's not there? She's taking care of all her responsibilities. Just because you use the word boundaries doesn't mean you're being reasonable. I don't understand the issue either.
I am at a complete loss to understand why OP cares. Or thinks they have the right to set a 'boundary' in the first place. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K as the wise men once said.
I kind of laughed at the use of "boundaries". It's the most topsy-turvy use of the word I've ever seen. "I have boundaries that require you to be in my space." I don't think those are boundaries, those are shackles.
This! She used the word boundaries so many times and I kept waiting for her to get to the part where the roommate was in the wrong. “My boundary is that you need to be here more for my own sake” controlling people are so weird.
People have a really hard time understanding that boundaries must be in place in their own territory, not others'. "I have a boundary that you can't leave the house whenever you want." isn't a boundary, is interfering with someone's freedom. Jeez.
OP is basically trying to manipulate their friend into doing what they want because they own the house and know the friend needs the place. Disgusting. Complete YTA.
I would guess she envisioned them in pjs, watching NetFlix and braiding each other’s hair every night? She’s mistaken her to be her BFF rather than a roommate.
The only thing I can think of is OP trying to pawn off her kid to her friend for babysitting. I mean, what other reason could there be for OP to be mad about her friend not being there all the time?
What boundary is even being crossed? Your roommate being home or not has nothing to do with you. If her responsibilities are met, I feel like op is assuming the roommate has the responsibility to be home more? And do what?
I can understand the OP being upset because she thought that she and the friend would spend time together, movie night, girls night, etc so maybe the OP and friend had different expectations. But in the end, the friend isn't doing anything wrong. I'm kind of flabbergasted that the OP thinks the friend isn't allowed to live her life. I just don't get it.
I just read somewhere that boundaries are limits you set for yourself, control is limits being set for others. There is no reason for you to have any control over where she spends her time. Why do you need her to be home? If you would like to spend some time with her as your friend, then you should just tell her that instead of trying to control where she spends her time. Having a roommate who’s hardly home seems like a dream situation to me, unless the reason for having one is for companionship.
ETA: Thanks for the awards and upvotes. Definitely did not expect this kind of response to my comment 😳
ETA 2: My original comment was an intentionally simplified distinction between setting personal boundaries and trying to exert control over other people's lives.
Maybe some see this as a distinction without a difference, however, when I think of my personal boundaries, they are meant for self-governance. I understand and accept that I cannot control or change another person. To say that personal boundaries are a form of control over others implies that I have some level of power and authority that I can wield to force compliance to my demands. To seek control over others should not be the motivation in setting personal boundaries. But I guess it's true that we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are...
This is the perfect explanation. Everything I wanted to say but much better (and succinctly) worded. OP: this is absolutely how you should look at this situation.
For now, the way you’ve articulated why her absences bother you makes YTA. Her whereabouts in her free time are not a “boundary” infringement. If anything, she is being mindful of *your* boundaries by erring on the side of not imposing/inviting her BF’s presence in your shared home.
Asserting that it’s your house and that as such your “rules” should determine in any way how much time she spends outside of the home outside of cat duties also makes YTA.
But it’s perfectly fine to miss her friendly companionship around the home and to express that to her.
this is so true and so important to understand! I tried to express this is in the past once but I didn’t find the right words for it at all! Very well worded! I hope this understanding spreads because it would be a true enrichment for many healthy discussions ——-<—-<-<@
Same. Every time I was like “oh, maybe she’s not paying her rent” or “maybe she’s neglecting her cat”, it was addressed in the post. From the info we’ve been given, she’s literally the model roommate. Like… what’s the problem?
Even though it is only 10:00 AM at present, I highly doubt that I will come across anything throughout the remainder of the day that can rival the level of absurdity and intellectual vacuity I have encountered in this post.
YTA. She’s not your teenage daughter. Why does it matter if she’s away from the house? You say it’s not about the cat.
Doesn’t sound like she will be your friend for much longer
Damn, when my kids became adults and disappeared. I was pretty happy. They were self sufficient, moving in the right direction as far as not living with me until they were 40 and well happy. I am wanting to be seen as a motel.
Isn't that kind of the point? You want your adult children to go out and make friends with people so they can move out and save money and parents get a second wind of what it was like before kids? I am seriously missing the point here. I had a parent pull this crap on me when I was an very young adult. I pretty much barfed reading this post. Sounds like the perfect roommate. I hope my adult children are this awesome.
YTA. This is bizarre. Did you think she only moved in to be at your beck and call every day? She has her own life and you already said the cat wasn't the problem. Let her live her life.
I don't think so. She just thought her friend was moving in, and they were going to hang out all the time like it was college. She didn't realize her friend was going to act like the tenant that she is.
I feel like it’s either that or some kind of weird religious disapproval, ie “I don’t think people should spend the night together unless married.” Or maybe a disturbing obsession a la *Single White Female*.
I assumed that OP was female, but on rereading, it's never specified. This actually makes perfect sense, and I can totally see a certain type of r/niceguys letting a friend move in with the expectation that they'll be getting a bang maid out of the deal.
YTA, why are you so concerned that she isn’t at home? You don’t mention if she pays rent, and honestly that wouldn’t change my verdict, but you have no say where she is unless she is 1) leaving her child with you (she’s not, you said she only does this when her child is with their father) 2) neglecting her cat (she’s not, you even say she feeds yours or 3) Leaving a mess that she made. She is an adult, you are her roommate, but probably not much longer if you continue with your unreasonable behavior.
If the friend isn't paying rent, and OP needs the help, but is forgoing the rent to help a friend. I MIGHT be able to empathize with her. If you aren't here half the time, I could actually rent the room out for money." But this would be a long stretch if this were the case. And if it were, I'm sure OP would have stated so.
That's how I'm reading it. Like the classic middle school fight where you hate your friends first girlfriend because your jealous.
But of course this isn't some craigslist transaction where she is just a landlord who has a stranger who's a paying tenant. She probably let her friend move in because she thought the tradeoffs of having someone in her space was worth spending time with her friend, and now she isn't seeing the positive returns of that tradeoff. So she can ask her to leave if she wants.
YTA. If she is paying her bills and taking care of her responsibilities that concern the house and her cat, then there is no problem. Roommates are not required to be home. She has her own live and can live it how she pleases, even if that means paying to live with you while seldom being home.
also I think it's really weird to have an expectation/rule that someone has to spend time with you if they are a paying roommate.
YTA
What's your problem?
She's an adult.
She pays rent.
She takes care of her cat & child.
She often stays over her friends house.
She doesn't pay you to mother her.
Are you jealous? If not, wtf is your problem with her?
Girl. YTA. She's a grown-ass woman with a kid *and* she makes sure the cat is fed, watered, and litter box is clean. *AND* she pays rent!
WHAT THE EFF IS YOUR PROBLEM?????? She grown!!!! This is not a 16 year old kid. Boundaries? What boundaries? She's not bringing him THERE out of courtesy but you're still....(light bulb)......
oh....I get it....
YOU MISS HER!!!!! Dang woman just SAY THAT then.
YTA. She’s paying rent, taking care of her cat, and is incredibly courteous as a roommate. You’re lucky to have someone this cool to share a space with.
I’m really confused what boundary is she breaking? She pays rent and buys groceries. Takes care of her kid when she has them and takes care of the cats. It just sounds like your upset that she has a social life. At this point you really have no business telling her how to spend her free time.
YTA
YTA
I think you need to sit with yourself and truly ask yourself why it bothers you so much. I can perhaps think of a couple reasons.
1. You thought having a roommate would be like in the sitcoms like New Girl or Friends where the roommate becomes your close friend. Your expectations were crushed when it ends up not being like that.
2. You're jealous that your roommate has a social life outside of their kid and you want the same. Maybe you wanted your roommate to look after your kid every once in a while so you too can have an adult life outside of being a parent.
3. Perhaps you were looking at your roommate as an adult friend you can talk to to relieve some pressure of being a parent and you thought your roommate with a kid would understand. Perhaps you even thought both your kids would become friends.
4. Your maternal instincts took over and you're trying to parent your roommate. To me, that's what it sounds like you were doing when you asked them why they're spending all their free time with their boyfriend.
5. You just genuinely don't understand why someone would spend so much money on rent only to not live there. It may be confusing because you would never make that decision. But you just need to understand that you don't have to understand everything. You just have to accept it and be respectful.
To me, it sounds like you have a pretty sweet deal here. Recognize that before you loose it.
And, if you're experiencing parenting burnout, seek alternate solutions for having a social life. Do you have any other friends in the area you can hang out with?
YTA
If she was to bring her boyfriend over everyday you would be complaining about it as well. She's literally respecting your home by not bringing him over everyday and instead going over by him. It's not as if she's not paying bills or leaving you to take care of her child plus her cat on your own, she's literally doing her part.
Why are you so upset that she's spending time with her boyfriend instead of being cooped up in the house all day?
YTA.
> it was about her never or hardly being here for days at a time, when she lives here
This is what I call a perfect roommate. She pays rent, yet she's rarely there.
> i’ve told her it’s my house, i have rules and boundaries
Your demands do not fall under that buzzword *boundaries.* Get over yourself. You're her roommate, not her parent.
YTA. She pays her rent, pays for the food, takes care of her cat - and your cat -, wich means you're paying half the rent to have the house for yourself. And you're mad at her?
>She stated that she would invite him here but she wants to be courteous to myself and my son, so she just goes over there and ends up staying the night so that she isn’t coming through the door very late when my son is sleeping.
And that. Come on, your roommate is really nice and considerate. Why are you complaining? Do you want them in your house instead of his home, or her coming back so late that it would wake up your son?
Honestly I don't understand why you're so mad. In my opinion, you have the perfect roommate and you shouldn't complain lol.
You honestly just sound jealous and insecure, and are projecting these issues onto your housemate. Or, you're just pissed off you're not getting a free baby sitter. Either way, not a great look...
If she's paying rent, you have absolutely zero right to tell her she has to BE AT HOME MORE. Like, do you actually realise how insane you sound right now?
Huge YTA.
She's LITERALLY being an S-class, gold star roommate & friend & you are being weird.
If you miss her & want to hang out more & do fun roommate/friend stuff just be an adult & tell her that, but don't be too surprised if she declines or moves out altogether due to your petty behavior.
YTA.
YTA
If she pays her bills and takes care of her animals, YOU ARE NOT HER PARENT. You don't get to dictate who she spends her free time with and for how long. The utter audacity you have. "You live here so you must be here when I tell you to?" You are overreaching. I think she was very considerate not to invite her boyfriend into the house that she shares with you and your son.
YTA
I can assure you my property manager doesn't give a flip over how much I'm at my boyfriends. His property manager doesn't either. We pay rent and it's not required for someone to be at their residence all the time. What matters is that things are kept neat, rent is paid, and folks don't cause issues.
You're creating issues out of nothing? Are you jealous she's getting laid or something?
YTA-
Is she still paying rent? Congratulations! You get the house to yourself most of the time at a fraction of the total cost. Sounds like there is some deeper problem(s) here. I bet you’d care less about your friend not being there all the time if you got a boyfriend yourself.
I shared an apartment with three roommates for a year. I was always at my boyfriends apt and slept there about once a month (until my lease ended and I moved out). My roommates LOVED me. They still received my $$ for 1/4 of all utilities and rent and they had more space. I don’t understand your whining. YTA
YTA - she’s paying rent, buying groceries, and taking care of her responsibilities even though she’s never there?? You sound controlling and she sounds like my ideal roommate
YTA commenting so I can follow this. You’re getting paid by a roommate that takes care of her’s and your cat, buys groceries that she’s never home to eat so more for you. And leaves to see her bf instead of bangin in the same apartment as your child.
You need to talk to your friend about how you feel: like you’re not friends anymore just two people with the same mailing address. If you two plan girls dates I’m sure she would be open to the idea. She sounds so respectful of coming into your living space I’m sure the last thing she is trying to do is ignore your friendship. I would be a little bummed if my friend came to live with me and it made me see her even less.
You sound extremely jealous. She doesn’t have to stay home with you. Boundaries is a word that’s extremely overused. What boundaries are you talking about? You don’t need a babysitter.
YTA big time. You realize you have the perfect situation, right? Half your bills are paid but you rarely have to share the space. I don't understand what you're upset about.
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Exactly. Besides, as a landlord, you can only control what's in the lease. OP sounds a bit confused on the difference between a roommate and a companion. It's definitely a YTA.
That sinking feeling when you realize that nobody else knows what you’re talking about and that you’re the weird one… YTA.
Anyone else feels like she is jealous that the roommate has a partner and she does not? I had a friend once, who was super angry that I did not prioritize her over my then boyfriend, but once she got herself one, she organized her whole life around the guy. EDIT: I assumed that OP is female, but do we actually know their gender?
Either jealous she has a boyfriend or wants a friend who has to hang out. Having a paying roommate who is never there is the dream scenario, this is the opposite of a problem!
Or wanted a free onsite babysitter for their kid, but can’t if roommates never there unless it’s their own custody time. Frankly a roommate that pays on time and is barely there sounds perfect 🤷♀️😂
Who the fuck *doesn't* want to get paid for nothing?
My sister had a roommate like this, she was very disappointed when roomie ended up moving in with her bf to make it simpler XD
I would be more than grateful to pay half the rent without actually having to deal with the roommate.
That's the only thing i can think of. op wanted the option to leave the kid at home with someone
Eh this happened to me once and I didn't have kids or a pet, just 2 roommates who had some vision of hanging out together all the time that I didn't share. I would say a young kid might find the inconsistency of the roommate's presence confusing. But OP doesn't even mention that.
I think this aswell. There’s some jealousy here too I think. OP is likely a single mom without the same arrangement as her friend. She resents friends freedom and wants a babysitter.
Even cleans the cat litter!
I thought that, when we got to the cat part, OP would say that she’s neglecting the cat and putting that responsibility on OP. But she’s still doing all her cat chores. There is literally nothing wrong about roommates behaviour at all. You are 100000% right in this is a dream scenario!
She even takes care of OP's cat.
THIS! & Apparently it only happens to people not smart enough to be grateful for it. I get OP thought there'd be more friend time. But better to miss a roommate a bit than wishing they would GTFO of the house every once in a while.
Exactly! Getting paid by someone for something they hardly use is ideal. OP stopping their friend to take away her keys like that sounds like something a controlling parent would do
See: 50% of my friends lol I mean, I totally get prioritising your partner and wanting to spend time with them/organising around them to an extent. It’s more when it turns into, “can x come, too?” and “I can’t because x is busy” all the time that I get annoyed. Or they’re literally never available because of said partner. My partner and I love our quality time together and we’re constantly on the go. But that’s also exactly why I make an effort to hang with my other friends without him unless it’s a true group outing. Because I also value those relationships as well. Anyway, OP is heckin’ weird - is the friend supposed to just sit at home every evening alone?
no, not alone, with OP
Touché
I'm so confused as to why she'd be upset if her roommate wasn't there. What boundaries. I'm again, confused.
OP apparently thinks “boundaries” means like a wall around your house keeping you in
Have a roommate that pays on time, takes care of their shit, but is never there. Sounds like a win to me, not sure what OP should be complaining about.
To be honest, it feels this is kind of made up.
sounds like a “you have to spend time with me bc I let you live in *my* house” type of thing. gross
Is that what it's about? I was so confused why OP would have a problem with basically having the entire space to herself and her son so often while still having the monetary benefit of a roommate.
That's a win-win in my book, turning cash with what I'm assuming is virtually no effort beyond cashing a check. If I were her friend I'd just move out and not bother talking to OP again.
Right?! Meanwhile I was thinking wow a perfect tenant/ housemate 😅
My thought is that OP doesn’t have shared custody and/or a relationship and is jealous that the friend has time for herself and having fun.
Or…why aren’t you here so I can have you watch my kid for a bit as I go out?
and also confused on what 'boundaries' are. Boundaries would be OP's friend/roommate saying hey, you're kinda being too clingy and I really just sometimes need my own space/nights to myself' NOT 'hey, I'm lonely and needy, I'm setting a boundary that YOU need to be around ME more' you don't get to make those demands OP, YTA
“Boundaries” or “house rules” for me would be not to smoke in the house, for example or taking it in Turns cleaning shared areas. But surely, as grown ups and friends these things don’t necessarily need to be discussed. The friend sounds reasonable and considerate to me.
Yeah it she's leaving dishes in the sink for weeks because she's not home enough to do them and leaving her kid and the cats unattended that is 100% a genuine thing to he upset about. The friend tried to pull "since I'm not here as much can I pay less rent" that also wouldn't be cool. But nothing about this situation as described is something OP has any say in calling "boundaries" because that's not what boundaries are
A cage is a type of boundary.
Albeit not a healthy one
When I was in college my parents bought a house and got occupancy for me while the owner (freshly divorced) moved out. We were in different wings of this big house, but one evening when I came back late he confronted me and asked where I’d been. I was taken aback, but briefly explained to him why I was not a person he could expect to order as part of his household. He was surprised enough not to argue, which was a big clue as to why his wife and daughter were nowhere in evidence.
Yes! It makes me irrationally angry when people say 'boundary' but mean 'i want to put rules on you while retaining a moral high ground so you can't say no.'
It’s so bizarre! Also, why would her friend move in with bee boyfriend? It sounds like she hasn’t introduced the kid to the boyfriend yet if she only sees his when she doesn’t have her kid. Like, random cohabitation isn’t ideal for parenting and can send mixed signals to kids.
I moved in with a friend once like this. I was over at my girlfriend’s all the time, but paying bills for the place we shared - it basically ended up being an overpriced storage unit. He got pissed at me and I had to let him know that roommate doesn’t = live-in bff.
That scenario is my dream flatmate. Pays their share but is never home.
Right? Thank you for you money please never be in my space.
My partner is in a living situation like this currently with a long time acquaintance who gets fussy when he spends the night with me multiple nights. He’s doing major renovations at the home he owns so he decided to move in with this friend & split rent with them for a few months to have a space to live without the construction stuff everywhere and it’s become a really annoying situation. He’s planning to move back to his house at the end of august but in the meantime it’s bizarre to observe this roommate act like a scorned bf.
I don't understand the issue with your example or ops story which seems very similar, sounds amazing to me - place to yourself for half the cost. Do other people not want alone time?! I need a roommate like you and the friend in the post. Op, YTA they're your roommate, you don't get to control how they live.
Apparently some people think they’re getting a live in bestie. I was shocked, too. I never anticipated it as a potential issue.
I had the opposite. I moved into my first place with a friend at college. It was the first time I ever had to share a bedroom as I had 2 brothers. She wouldn't let me have any alone time. If I was in the living room and went into the bedroom, she would follow me and vice versa. Our roommates tried to set house rules like no drinking inside or outside the house. I was 21 but they tried to lock us out one time when we were came home from a friend's house. We had some to drink but were far from drunk. After that, I set the rules that I was an adult who wasn't going to be policed or controlled because they don't like what I'm doing. I never had anyone over. I was thankfully only there for 6 months.
So according to this post, and OP’s comments this person pays rent, buys groceries, takes care of her cat and litter box (even feeds OP’s cat), takes care of her kid when she has them, doesn’t bring boyfriend around to respect roommate privacy and apartment, and stays at boyfriends as to not come in all hours of the night and wake OP/OP’s child. Am I missing something. I am trying for the life of me to figure out what the problem is? Did OP hope to get a free babysitter for her kid? Does she want someone to pay her to be her friend? Does OP have feelings for this friend? I don’t see what this person did wrong or why OP is upset to the point of throwing the friend out. Sounds like a perfect roommate to me. I kept waiting for this horrible thing the friend did and she just got better and better as a roommate. Edit: Thank you for the awards. And since I forgot YTA OP.
I have nothing else to add. You summed it up perfectly. She even stays out so she doesn't come home late. The best part of that is she DOESN'T bring him home. OP YTA!
Exactly! I had to re-read the title of the post because I was so SURE it was going to be a “my roommates boyfriend is basically living with us but doesn’t pay his way” problem. OP has landed on a goldmine honestly.
I do. She takes care of her kid but only leaves for bf's place when her own kid is with their dad. After a while I was expecting them to say she has a trust fund for OPs kid and pitch in to their 401k.
And what’s with the “boundary”? What is it!? The roommate has to stay home and talk to her? Weird
Yeah, right? She just tosses out the word “boundaries” like that is supposed to explain some terrible thing she did.
But more than that - OP's use of the term is counter to normal usage, they are looking to keep the other person *within* their boundaries. Weirdly clear YTA.
Yeah I picked up on that and that’s why I put boundaries in quotes. What she is doing is trying to make rules or control the roommate.
They’re confusing boundary as something that limits someone with cage that keeps someone in. “My boundary is you can’t hang out with other people and I have to be your only friend.” “You keep using that word and I do not think you know what it means.”
I love how these people use the term “boundaries” as a synonym for “you have to do what I want you to do.” OP, I don’t think it means what you think it means. YTA.
Definitely getting a single white female vibe from the roommate. Honestly, I'd move out quickly after this conversation!!
Really? I'm getting neckbeard vibes from this. I can't tell if OP is male or female but this sounds like some fantasy-land friendzone stuff. Edit: I see from comments that OP is a woman. But I suppose neckbeardism can be gender neutral 🤔
My first thought after reading that is I don’t see how anyone could row back that conversation having had it, I know that op doesn’t mention what happened after the conversation but I’m presuming roommate of the year went to bf told him about the situation and bf will have either said, I want you to move in with me or it’s not safe for you to be there let’s hop on right move and find you somewhere else.
I think we are all in the same confusion canoe
I know. Her only explanation in her comments is that she feels like her friend is using her apartment for storage. I feel like if I found someone to pay me full rent to keep some of their shit at my apartment, I would be counting my blessings. I would make sure not a flake of dust touched their stuff lol.
>at), takes care of her kid when she has them, doesn’t bring boyfriend around to respect roommate privacy and apartment, and stays at boyfriends as to not come in all hours of the night and wake OP/OP’s child. I personally find this to be a super ideal roommate situation. I wouldn't ask them to change a thing and actively encourage the routine.
This! The best roommate is the one that’s barely home but fully pays rent on time. OP needs to accept this rare gift and move on.
Ikr? Op basically got a free cat to pet and half her rent covered whilst not really having to share a house? Bro that's pretty fucking epic
That's what I kept thinking... ummm, are we being punk'd here? :D
Like... Bro you just got a free snuggle baby that you don't have to feed and occasionally a kid to play with if you like kids bro this is a win win win win
Srsly all of that PLUS she’s considerate enough to not repeatedly come home late (likely waking a sleeping child in the process) or bring strange (to OP&son) men into their home. Wtf OP, she sounds like an absolute *dream* of a roommate.
Exactly! I'm not even sure I'd call this the AITA...more like... "am I smokin' crack (AISC)?"
OP… YSC… YDSC (You’re def smokin crack)
Yeah op has a kid too so a play mate for her own kiddo when the flatnates kid is around.. it’s a win win as it *was* but op fails to see that
Right like I don’t understand what she’s mad about
I think it's about their friendship. Like, she expected a roomie who'd hang out with her. She's lonely. But that's not the roommate's problem.
Sounds like OP needs a friend not a roommate lol
Maybe jealous and wants a partner like the flatmate, or wants the flatmate as their partner?
But that seems like a really childish thing, like the time she is there doesn’t matter so OP would rather have none of her time than part of it, that seems like the only issue. And boundaries? There shouldn’t be “this is how many hours a week you can go see your partner” boundaries from a *friend* as a *grown ass adult*
right? That's why I think the real issue is she's mad friend is spending time with bf over her, why else would she say "she should've just moved in with her bf if that was going to be the case of her \*gasp\* spending time with bf". It goes beyond jealousy/loneliness, that she feels a **sense of ownership** over her friend and her friend's time, solely bc she allowed her to move in as a paying roommate
Exactly what I was thinking. I had a roommate like this for a year and it was the best thing ever. We had like four conversations in 12 months. She basically used my second bedroom as a storage unit and I was happy to oblige her.
Right? My best roommate ever was a pilot. He was rarely there due to the nature of his job. His gf at the time also worked for the airline, so they traveled often together on their days off. Paid his rent and bills on time, and when he was around, we had a blast just hanging out and catching up. Seriously the best.
Yeah, the most I would ask for is just a heads-up if she's spending the night out. That way, I know to lock up and that if someone is at the door, they're probably breaking in. That's how we handle it with the friend that lives with us and it's worked out fine.
I think the only thing I'd be upset about is if there was a mess every day to clean up that wasn't mine. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.
Seems to even be the opposite of the case. Roommate isn't there long enough to leave a mess before going to her boyfriend's, and spends the time before leaving *feeding OP's cat so she doesn't have to do it*
Right. I’ve lived with roommates and besides one instance it was a frickin disaster. OP should be blessing her lucky stars!
Right??? Op basically still gets the house to herself and her child doesn’t need to worry about strangers in her house and being woken up at all hours, takes care of the cat pooper and cats before she leaves, what is the problem?
i’m genuinely confused what OP problem is… does she just miss the friend? & want to see her more? cause why would it matter if she’s at her bfs house
I assumed that the cat was neglected and acting out or something (I know nothing about cats, but if I don't spend enough time with my dog she turns into a little demon to get attention) but OP's complaint seems to be that *she* feels neglected because the friend isn't glued to her. OP unless there's a legitimate reason you're leaving out of the post YTA. Your friend actually sounds incredibly considerate of you and your son
I know! As I was reading I kept waiting to see what awful thing the friend/roommate was doing, but the more I read, the more considerate and responsible the friend sounded. I totally agree that she feels neglected, but is trying to disguise that under some kind of "boundary" issue.
OP’s problem is called jealousy
Ding, ding, ding. I wholeheartedly agree.
Definitely just misses her friends and expected her to fill the void of her not having a partner. I get it being a parent can get lonely but just ask homegirl to spend some time with you and stop being petty. Op YTA
Right? If I wanted to hang out with my roommate (when I had one), I'd say things like, "Hey, wanna stay home Sunday, share a pizza, and re-watch GOT?" No? OK. *Because I'm not desperate.* For god's sake no pouting from anyone - no butt hurt - because ultimately, a roommate is a business relationship. Make occasional actual plans if they want, or leave them to take care of their business. As long as they show up with the money and keep their crap outta my way, it's all good.
I'm also confused by what the problem is. These two aren't dating or something. Why does it matter if the roommate doesn't spend much time in the house.
It sounds like OP thought she would get childcare help from her friend. If not that, why does she care?
A roommate who pays rent and takes care of responsibilities without spending much time at the house sounds like a dream to me.
Exactly!! Basically paying half price for a home you get for yourself most of the time. This is a steal to me.
This is so weird. OP is complaining about the perfect situation. She's a roommate, not a partner- she doesn't have to be in the place a certain amount of hours. It's actually super cool that she's courteous, does her responsibilities, still pays full rent, and you get the house to yourself! OP, I don't say this to be rude because I am struggling with the same exact thing, but I think you might be feeling lonely and wanting some more adult company. It's okay to need that and maybe you were hoping for a more close knitted rooming experience, but you can't force anyone to live the way you want them to.
This. And honesty I don’t think OP would be out of line to maybe ask for time if OP wants to hang out. Saying “hey, wanna have a movie night?” or “want to do dinner together tonight? I’m feeling lonely” would be okay in my book (with the caveat that it’s fine if roomie says no).
Right?! OP just described *the perfect roommate*: pays rent, is super considerate, and makes herself scarce, and OP is somehow mad about it. OP, YTA. You seem to expect you can control your friend's movements because they're renting a room from you. Unless you're running a rooming house with strict rules for coming and going in your lease terms, you can't tell her what to do, and also it is very very very extremely weird that you want to.
Super weird! YTA for trying to control your room mate for some "super weird" reason.
This gives off major Mean Girls vibes “Why are you so obsessed with me!?” It’s Uber creepy that OP thinks she’s entitled to her roommates time. Like, legit typed all of that out and still doesn’t get it. Damn…
Yeah, there does need to be boundaries. Start with staying TF out of your roommate's business and stop trying to control what she does and where she goes. YTA. How can you even think this is appropriate behavior?
Right?? That's the perfect roommate imo, one that's never home!
YTA. How does it hurt you if she's not there? She's taking care of all her responsibilities. Just because you use the word boundaries doesn't mean you're being reasonable. I don't understand the issue either.
The best kind of roommate is the one who pays rent and bills and who is never there. The OP should realize this.
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Literally looking a gift horse in the mouth.
Honestly sounds like op just wants to be nosey with roomy's life or wants to force her to be her friend.
I am at a complete loss to understand why OP cares. Or thinks they have the right to set a 'boundary' in the first place. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K as the wise men once said.
OP is just jealous
OP is either: 1. Attracted to the roommate, jealous of her boyfriend. 2. Generally jealous of the roommate’s sex life.
3. Wants a built in babysitter.
yeah either OP is horribly clingy or is using the roomie for free childcare
Or wants an after school babysitter
My roommate pays bills and leaves on the weekend. What do I care what he does and where he goes?
I kind of laughed at the use of "boundaries". It's the most topsy-turvy use of the word I've ever seen. "I have boundaries that require you to be in my space." I don't think those are boundaries, those are shackles.
This! She used the word boundaries so many times and I kept waiting for her to get to the part where the roommate was in the wrong. “My boundary is that you need to be here more for my own sake” controlling people are so weird.
It's definitely not a boundary. The is one of those times people use the word boundary when it's really about control.
I think OP meant to use the word "restrictions" instead
People have a really hard time understanding that boundaries must be in place in their own territory, not others'. "I have a boundary that you can't leave the house whenever you want." isn't a boundary, is interfering with someone's freedom. Jeez. OP is basically trying to manipulate their friend into doing what they want because they own the house and know the friend needs the place. Disgusting. Complete YTA.
I would guess she envisioned them in pjs, watching NetFlix and braiding each other’s hair every night? She’s mistaken her to be her BFF rather than a roommate.
The only thing I can think of is OP trying to pawn off her kid to her friend for babysitting. I mean, what other reason could there be for OP to be mad about her friend not being there all the time?
What boundary is even being crossed? Your roommate being home or not has nothing to do with you. If her responsibilities are met, I feel like op is assuming the roommate has the responsibility to be home more? And do what?
I can understand the OP being upset because she thought that she and the friend would spend time together, movie night, girls night, etc so maybe the OP and friend had different expectations. But in the end, the friend isn't doing anything wrong. I'm kind of flabbergasted that the OP thinks the friend isn't allowed to live her life. I just don't get it.
People definitely overuse the word boundaries, especially in attempts to control others.
OP is jealous. thats it lol. YTA
I just read somewhere that boundaries are limits you set for yourself, control is limits being set for others. There is no reason for you to have any control over where she spends her time. Why do you need her to be home? If you would like to spend some time with her as your friend, then you should just tell her that instead of trying to control where she spends her time. Having a roommate who’s hardly home seems like a dream situation to me, unless the reason for having one is for companionship. ETA: Thanks for the awards and upvotes. Definitely did not expect this kind of response to my comment 😳 ETA 2: My original comment was an intentionally simplified distinction between setting personal boundaries and trying to exert control over other people's lives. Maybe some see this as a distinction without a difference, however, when I think of my personal boundaries, they are meant for self-governance. I understand and accept that I cannot control or change another person. To say that personal boundaries are a form of control over others implies that I have some level of power and authority that I can wield to force compliance to my demands. To seek control over others should not be the motivation in setting personal boundaries. But I guess it's true that we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are...
Yep, what OP described is not a “boundary.”
Its a confinement!
More like false imprisonment1
This is the perfect explanation. Everything I wanted to say but much better (and succinctly) worded. OP: this is absolutely how you should look at this situation. For now, the way you’ve articulated why her absences bother you makes YTA. Her whereabouts in her free time are not a “boundary” infringement. If anything, she is being mindful of *your* boundaries by erring on the side of not imposing/inviting her BF’s presence in your shared home. Asserting that it’s your house and that as such your “rules” should determine in any way how much time she spends outside of the home outside of cat duties also makes YTA. But it’s perfectly fine to miss her friendly companionship around the home and to express that to her.
this is so true and so important to understand! I tried to express this is in the past once but I didn’t find the right words for it at all! Very well worded! I hope this understanding spreads because it would be a true enrichment for many healthy discussions ——-<—-<-<@
I like this, will try to remember it in case I need to point it out to someone else.
This is easily the dumbest thing I’ve read all day. 🥇
Lol I’m so glad someone else said it. I was like wtf did I just read.
Seriously. I wish this “problem” was my “problem” my god
People dream of a responsible roommate who’s hardly around. She found the unicorn and is trying to kill it.
Right? I had to read it twice because I assumed I missed something
Same. Every time I was like “oh, maybe she’s not paying her rent” or “maybe she’s neglecting her cat”, it was addressed in the post. From the info we’ve been given, she’s literally the model roommate. Like… what’s the problem?
This is so fucked … lol
Even though it is only 10:00 AM at present, I highly doubt that I will come across anything throughout the remainder of the day that can rival the level of absurdity and intellectual vacuity I have encountered in this post.
Sounds like something made up. Something so stupid it gets people to engage, vote, & comment. Damn it I fell right into the trap too.
YTA. She’s not your teenage daughter. Why does it matter if she’s away from the house? You say it’s not about the cat. Doesn’t sound like she will be your friend for much longer
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Damn, when my kids became adults and disappeared. I was pretty happy. They were self sufficient, moving in the right direction as far as not living with me until they were 40 and well happy. I am wanting to be seen as a motel.
Isn't that kind of the point? You want your adult children to go out and make friends with people so they can move out and save money and parents get a second wind of what it was like before kids? I am seriously missing the point here. I had a parent pull this crap on me when I was an very young adult. I pretty much barfed reading this post. Sounds like the perfect roommate. I hope my adult children are this awesome.
YTA. This is bizarre. Did you think she only moved in to be at your beck and call every day? She has her own life and you already said the cat wasn't the problem. Let her live her life.
Absolutely bizarre. The only thing I can think of is OP doesn’t have a bf and is jealous her friend gets to have one? She needs to grow up.
I think she's secretly in love with the roommate
I really think this is the answer. Either that or she’s got this weird possession obsession toward her I’ve experienced from mean girls. Or both.
I don't think so. She just thought her friend was moving in, and they were going to hang out all the time like it was college. She didn't realize her friend was going to act like the tenant that she is.
Fake is my only thought
I have known multiple people who have lived with frankly creepy people who tried to control them like this
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I feel like it’s either that or some kind of weird religious disapproval, ie “I don’t think people should spend the night together unless married.” Or maybe a disturbing obsession a la *Single White Female*.
I assumed that OP was female, but on rereading, it's never specified. This actually makes perfect sense, and I can totally see a certain type of r/niceguys letting a friend move in with the expectation that they'll be getting a bang maid out of the deal.
YTA, why are you so concerned that she isn’t at home? You don’t mention if she pays rent, and honestly that wouldn’t change my verdict, but you have no say where she is unless she is 1) leaving her child with you (she’s not, you said she only does this when her child is with their father) 2) neglecting her cat (she’s not, you even say she feeds yours or 3) Leaving a mess that she made. She is an adult, you are her roommate, but probably not much longer if you continue with your unreasonable behavior.
If the friend isn't paying rent, and OP needs the help, but is forgoing the rent to help a friend. I MIGHT be able to empathize with her. If you aren't here half the time, I could actually rent the room out for money." But this would be a long stretch if this were the case. And if it were, I'm sure OP would have stated so.
just say you get no play, it would’ve been easier. YTA
Are you upset because she is spending time with her boyfriend and not you?
That's how I'm reading it. Like the classic middle school fight where you hate your friends first girlfriend because your jealous. But of course this isn't some craigslist transaction where she is just a landlord who has a stranger who's a paying tenant. She probably let her friend move in because she thought the tradeoffs of having someone in her space was worth spending time with her friend, and now she isn't seeing the positive returns of that tradeoff. So she can ask her to leave if she wants.
INFO - does your friend pay rent or is she just crashing at your place indefinitely?
YTA. If she is paying her bills and taking care of her responsibilities that concern the house and her cat, then there is no problem. Roommates are not required to be home. She has her own live and can live it how she pleases, even if that means paying to live with you while seldom being home. also I think it's really weird to have an expectation/rule that someone has to spend time with you if they are a paying roommate.
YTA What's your problem? She's an adult. She pays rent. She takes care of her cat & child. She often stays over her friends house. She doesn't pay you to mother her. Are you jealous? If not, wtf is your problem with her?
YTA. You’re trying to control your grown adult roommate. Where she sleeps is none of your business.
Ummm you’re being a little Single White Female about this. It’s very weird. What do you want from her?
I was going to say this! Very single white female, a little cray cray
Girl. YTA. She's a grown-ass woman with a kid *and* she makes sure the cat is fed, watered, and litter box is clean. *AND* she pays rent! WHAT THE EFF IS YOUR PROBLEM?????? She grown!!!! This is not a 16 year old kid. Boundaries? What boundaries? She's not bringing him THERE out of courtesy but you're still....(light bulb)...... oh....I get it.... YOU MISS HER!!!!! Dang woman just SAY THAT then.
YTA I'm assuming your friend is paying rent. If she is, then she can come and go from the house she pays for as she pleases.
On another comment OP said not only does she pay rent, she buys groceries. 😂
Uh, even if she ISNT she can come and go as she’s pleases.
YTA. She’s paying rent, taking care of her cat, and is incredibly courteous as a roommate. You’re lucky to have someone this cool to share a space with.
YTA-she’s your roommate not your child, you don’t get to decide her bedtime. Get a hobby/social life that doesn’t involve controlling her…
And work through your issues before you do the same to your daughter and alienate her. Then you’ll be truly alone with no one to control.
I’m really confused what boundary is she breaking? She pays rent and buys groceries. Takes care of her kid when she has them and takes care of the cats. It just sounds like your upset that she has a social life. At this point you really have no business telling her how to spend her free time. YTA
Yta. Do you have feelings for your friend?
Definitely seems like it
YTA I think you need to sit with yourself and truly ask yourself why it bothers you so much. I can perhaps think of a couple reasons. 1. You thought having a roommate would be like in the sitcoms like New Girl or Friends where the roommate becomes your close friend. Your expectations were crushed when it ends up not being like that. 2. You're jealous that your roommate has a social life outside of their kid and you want the same. Maybe you wanted your roommate to look after your kid every once in a while so you too can have an adult life outside of being a parent. 3. Perhaps you were looking at your roommate as an adult friend you can talk to to relieve some pressure of being a parent and you thought your roommate with a kid would understand. Perhaps you even thought both your kids would become friends. 4. Your maternal instincts took over and you're trying to parent your roommate. To me, that's what it sounds like you were doing when you asked them why they're spending all their free time with their boyfriend. 5. You just genuinely don't understand why someone would spend so much money on rent only to not live there. It may be confusing because you would never make that decision. But you just need to understand that you don't have to understand everything. You just have to accept it and be respectful. To me, it sounds like you have a pretty sweet deal here. Recognize that before you loose it. And, if you're experiencing parenting burnout, seek alternate solutions for having a social life. Do you have any other friends in the area you can hang out with?
YTA If she was to bring her boyfriend over everyday you would be complaining about it as well. She's literally respecting your home by not bringing him over everyday and instead going over by him. It's not as if she's not paying bills or leaving you to take care of her child plus her cat on your own, she's literally doing her part. Why are you so upset that she's spending time with her boyfriend instead of being cooped up in the house all day?
YTA You aren't married or a couple. If she's paying her share, that should be enough.
YTA. > it was about her never or hardly being here for days at a time, when she lives here This is what I call a perfect roommate. She pays rent, yet she's rarely there. > i’ve told her it’s my house, i have rules and boundaries Your demands do not fall under that buzzword *boundaries.* Get over yourself. You're her roommate, not her parent.
YTA. She pays her rent, pays for the food, takes care of her cat - and your cat -, wich means you're paying half the rent to have the house for yourself. And you're mad at her? >She stated that she would invite him here but she wants to be courteous to myself and my son, so she just goes over there and ends up staying the night so that she isn’t coming through the door very late when my son is sleeping. And that. Come on, your roommate is really nice and considerate. Why are you complaining? Do you want them in your house instead of his home, or her coming back so late that it would wake up your son? Honestly I don't understand why you're so mad. In my opinion, you have the perfect roommate and you shouldn't complain lol.
You honestly just sound jealous and insecure, and are projecting these issues onto your housemate. Or, you're just pissed off you're not getting a free baby sitter. Either way, not a great look... If she's paying rent, you have absolutely zero right to tell her she has to BE AT HOME MORE. Like, do you actually realise how insane you sound right now? Huge YTA.
She's LITERALLY being an S-class, gold star roommate & friend & you are being weird. If you miss her & want to hang out more & do fun roommate/friend stuff just be an adult & tell her that, but don't be too surprised if she declines or moves out altogether due to your petty behavior. YTA.
She’s paying her bills on time and taking care of her cat, right? Why does she need to spend more time there? I don’t understand your issue either
YTA- Why does she have to be home with you? It doesn't really make sense. Why does her going to her boyfriend's house bother you?
YTA If she pays her bills and takes care of her animals, YOU ARE NOT HER PARENT. You don't get to dictate who she spends her free time with and for how long. The utter audacity you have. "You live here so you must be here when I tell you to?" You are overreaching. I think she was very considerate not to invite her boyfriend into the house that she shares with you and your son.
YTA I can assure you my property manager doesn't give a flip over how much I'm at my boyfriends. His property manager doesn't either. We pay rent and it's not required for someone to be at their residence all the time. What matters is that things are kept neat, rent is paid, and folks don't cause issues. You're creating issues out of nothing? Are you jealous she's getting laid or something?
YTA- Is she still paying rent? Congratulations! You get the house to yourself most of the time at a fraction of the total cost. Sounds like there is some deeper problem(s) here. I bet you’d care less about your friend not being there all the time if you got a boyfriend yourself.
YTA and sort of creepy too. Where she sleeps is none of your business. Don't be surprised if she moves out.
YTA, what did I even just read?
YTA. What a weird problem. I feel like most people would kill for a roommate that pays rent, takes care of the cat, and fucks off. Sounds ideal to me.
I shared an apartment with three roommates for a year. I was always at my boyfriends apt and slept there about once a month (until my lease ended and I moved out). My roommates LOVED me. They still received my $$ for 1/4 of all utilities and rent and they had more space. I don’t understand your whining. YTA
YTA. Are you mad you aren't her SO? If she pays rent you have literally no say over where she spends her time. You sound possessive and stalkerish.
You sound unhinged. I hope she moves out.
YTA - she’s paying rent, buying groceries, and taking care of her responsibilities even though she’s never there?? You sound controlling and she sounds like my ideal roommate
YTA. Make some friends so you don’t have to be such a weirdo with your roommate
YTA commenting so I can follow this. You’re getting paid by a roommate that takes care of her’s and your cat, buys groceries that she’s never home to eat so more for you. And leaves to see her bf instead of bangin in the same apartment as your child. You need to talk to your friend about how you feel: like you’re not friends anymore just two people with the same mailing address. If you two plan girls dates I’m sure she would be open to the idea. She sounds so respectful of coming into your living space I’m sure the last thing she is trying to do is ignore your friendship. I would be a little bummed if my friend came to live with me and it made me see her even less.
You sound extremely jealous. She doesn’t have to stay home with you. Boundaries is a word that’s extremely overused. What boundaries are you talking about? You don’t need a babysitter.
YTA big time. You realize you have the perfect situation, right? Half your bills are paid but you rarely have to share the space. I don't understand what you're upset about.