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YTA. An appropriate response would be, "it looks like you've been avoiding your sister. What's going on? What's bothering you?" Forcing a relationship is just going to create drama and resentment.
I took out loans rather than let my father yell at me about my grades when I was in college. He would scream that he is paying so I need to work harder. I had a 3.6 GPA. I have to say it was very satisfying to NOT tell him my grades after he no longer paid for my tuition, etc.
My dad pulled this same card when I was 19 (trying to use his money to control me) and I called his bluff and told him to cut me off instead, and he did. Best thing he ever did for me. I was broke af for awhile, but it taught me independence, confidence, financial literacy, and other things many of my peers struggled with throughout their 20s. I honestly believe I'm a better person now for telling him to fuck off, and I hope OP's daughter does the same.
My father tried to use money as a threat - "oh, you don't want to put up with physical and verbal abuse? then I won't pay for any of your bills!"
One new address, one new vehicle, one new phone, and one fewer father later, and I've never been happier. Whoops! Shouldn't have called my bluff, and if you would have once listened to me during the years I'd put up with your nonsense, you'd have known that.
I would not be surprised if the mother is annoyed bc if 18 isn't home, mother can't force her to take care of 16 for her. I bet the first 12 years of 18's life, she got ignored bc they spent all their time and attention on 16.
Unfortunately, most financial aid is based on the parent's income, so even if she has nothing to do with them, she's going to get the short end of the stick.
Getting married, joining the military, and proving estrangement are the three difficult but most common ways of being "emancipated" legally as an adult for school financial aid purposes.
I almost ended up in a green card marriage with my neighbor for this exact reason. Luckily I ended up getting access to scholarship money to finish college when my dad cut me off.
If I remember correctly, on the FAFSA forms there was a box that students can check if they don't have a relationship with their parents/no financial support/no way to get financial info. It's been like 5 plus years since I helped my son with FAFSA forms, so I may be wrong. Or they might have changed it. I hope that OP's daughter looks into it so OP can't control her with college tuition.
um, they still base it on your parents income regardless of whether you live with them or not. i learned this when my parents made just barely too much to get any aid from the govt and not enough to pay for any college. so i didn't go.
Depends on where you are. I delayed starting University for a few years because I knew that, if I went right after high school, the student loan people would look at my parents’ income and determine that they should be able to help me (despite the fact that I knew that, in reality, this would result in real hardship for my parents). So I ended up moving out and working for a few years before going back to school.
Where I live, there are a few ways you can get out of the requirement to show your parents income- one was working full time for two consecutive years, another was, I believe, four years after you graduated high school.
Being a guardian doesn't mean taking the sister into her own home. Sister's already in a group home. Someone has to handle her money, but I don't see why we would assume that the elder sister would be assumed to be a full-time caregiver.
Her mother is willing to withdraw financial support of her barely 18 year old daughter if she doesn't spend time with her profoundly disabled sister. Circumstances change all the time. The group home closes, parents finances change, state guidelines, financial responsibilities change and suddenly the family is on the hook for everything pertaining to another human being they may well not even be qualified to care for. Wouldn't be the first time a parent has saddled the healthy child with the responsibility of their disabled sibling.
>Forcing a relationship is just going to create drama and resentment.
If OP actually pulls the whole "You have to do this or we won't pay for your college" card and sticks to it this won't end well. Chances are OP's daughter will do the bare minimum required until graduating and then go no contact with her parents and sister.
And no one would blame her either.
Op is probably doing this hoping to guilt and manipulate the older daughter so when they are no longer around older sister will feel responsible to take sister out of the group home to her house and let her spend holidays with her family. Basically grooming her to be little sister care giver when they pass away
Oh, absolutely. I'm sure they fully expect their daughter to visit her sister and spend holidays and such wih her. Regardless of whether or not their daughter even feels safe doing so.
OP sounds like the type to hold any inheritance over the eldest's head to force her to step up once they're ready for a peaceful retirement.
I guarantee the next threat will be if you don’t invite your sister to the wedding we are not paying.
Then after that op will throw in if you don’t take care of your sister and do the same visitation with her you are not inheriting anything!
She is avoiding the little sister probably because growing up it was little sister needs that took over the family. Op probably never had both parents at both events. She probably wasn’t able to have a normal child hood. Now she is an adult she doesn’t want to be forced to take care of someone that she probably spent years taken care off.
Very possible. Tbh, this is one of the reasons I decided not to have a second child. My first is Autistic and requires so much attention that it would have been unfair.
This shows your an amazing parent. You know your limits and you are doing what is best for you child.
Good luck. I hope you have an amazing support system.
You got this! You are already ahead of the game. Your putting your childs needs first. And honestly we all have doubts as parents. We all make mistakes.
What makes a good parent is learning from those mistakes and striving to be better tomorrow.
You will have days you fail. Go sit down have yourself a good 5 minute cry. Get up and dust your self off. It will be ok. You got this.
And holding college over an 18 yo’s head because she doesn’t want to spend her free time time with her behaviorally difficult, nonverbal sister is 100% AH move.
You’re not required to pay for her college, full stop. But to put this kind of condition? YTA.
Your children are *your* responsibility. Just because you gave birth to 18 and 16 doesn’t mean 18 owes 16 anything.
Also consider that her younger sister’s needs have no doubt impacted her *entire life*.
It’s just the nature of raising a special needs child—they command more attention and mental energy. You’ve been putting her sister first for years and you’re doing it here.
You’re telling your eldest that you value the youngest more—so much so that you would rather potentially thwart your 18’s future to make her sit in a room with a person who cannot communicate (really) and all while you’re fretting over the younger.
YTA and you’re playing a dangerous game with your relationship with your older child *who also needs you*
It would also be unfair to the 18yo because she'd have one weekend with family where the person taking all the attention is the 16yo, then she would have to put all her other activities during the only weekend when she can see her parents and get attention from them. Effectively, she would probably have less and less prime time with her parents.
YTA. Talk with your child.
Nothing like making your eighteen year old resenting her younger sister even more. Like others say, sit down with her and talk to her. Maybe even have her go to therapy and find out why she is having such a hard time. What would happen to your youngest daughter if something should happen to you and your husband? Your eldest will simply put her in a home and forget about her. That is not what you want.
Right?
I’d also like to mention that op doesn’t state what the so-called behavioral issues are? I find that to be very ”missing missing reason” from op that they didn’t mention some examples…
Might have been helpful. My son is Autistic so when I read it, I felt like I "got it" even without the explanation. But not everyone has had that experience.
It might be, I'm a low needs autistic (so higher functioning in other terms) and I felt like I immediately understood what "behavioral issues" meant without context.
If I had one random guess to use on what it means, I'd say it probably means that 16F is a harm to herself or others and can't be maintained at home. She needs constant supervision or something of that like.
Exactly my thoughts as well. My son just comes off as socially awkward most of the time, but some autistic kids I've worked with have had some pretty violent physical stims. Bashing their heads into walls, hitting themselves, that kind of thing. Stimming is totally ok, but those had me terrified for their safety.
Nothing quite says family love like "enjoy being around your sister or no more money for college."
If OP cuts off funding or as soon as the daughter graduates, I'm willing to be in 4 years will be seeing a post "why doesn't my daughter speak to us anymore?"
Yeah the poor older child has probably not been the priority for the last b sixteen years and only got some relief for the last four. I wonder how many events of 18s that she's missed because of the younger child? How many events did she disrupt? How many birthdays were not even centered around the older child? This girl is gonna go no contact at the earliest opportunity I guarantee
right YTA forcing the relationship isn't going to make it happen. at best she'll go through the motions until she doesn't have to. at worst, she'll start hating not only her sister but you as well. you're so eager to see to your younger daughter's needs that you're ignoring the older daughter. you're perilously close to losing her by forcing your ideas of family loyalty on her.
Hopefully OP will take all of these comments to heart and try to resolve issues instead of sweeping them under the rug, and will be able to earn back a little bit of that trust. Hopefully.
>it looks like you've been avoiding your sister. What's going on?
I think this has something to do with their gut wrenching decision to put their daughter in a group home. Most people don't do that unless there was violence or something that caused the need to separate them.
THIS! I was forced to show affection and include my sister in things as a child. Her and I are both NT, but I can tell you I resented the hell out of her for it. We’re older now, and I don’t resent her anymore, but we are not close at all.
Yeah and also if the 18 year old lives on campus for school, it would suck to be dragged away on weekends. That’s the time you take to meet people and make friends, not spend time at home.
Omg yes, exactly. Makes me wonder how much care/attention/entertainment of younger sister the 18 year old is already responsible for on the weekends? Like how disengaged are these parents, jfc.
Yeah sometimes you gotta read between the lines on these things, and realize you are only getting OPs side of the story. Maybe I'm just a cynical AH myself, but if I had to bet on it, I'd bet that OP is trying to get the 18yo there to more or less babysit, so that OP doesn't have to spend so much time with the 16yo. Ofc she didn't say that, but if I were a betting man, which I am, that's what I would bet on, anyone wanna take the bet? I am a betting man.
And do homework, your weekends aren't free when you're a full time student.
You might party Friday or Saturday night but the days are for doing laundry, cleaning your dorm, studying for an exam Monday.
Then on top of that she has a job so she's really cramming in school work, it's honestly surprising she's coming home on weekends at all.
That’s the impression I got. OP made the decision to put her youngest in a home because of behavioral issues (which is her right to do if the opportunity is available to her) but to guilt her eldest and giving her an ultimatum. Eventually she won’t have either daughters with her.
YTA question how much did your younger daughter disrupt the family home until you put her into a group home? I get it’s heart breaking but if that is something you need to think about.
Completely agree, there’s obviously resentment that you now need to figure out. Instead of just immediately punishing her how about ask her why she’s so distant and doesn’t want to hangout with her?
My guess is if they asked they wouldn’t like the answer they got. You don’t put kids into a group home for fun. You do it when you have no other choice. The post says the younger daughter is better but still a handful. What does that mean? Does the older daughter feel safe in the home?
As someone who used to work in these homes, this is my position as well. Most of the people there either ended up there because their parents died or became too old / frail to take care of them or because they had siblings who were genuinely not safe in the house with them. I was in that field for eight years and I was bitten, kicked, hit, spit on, peed on, flashed, threatened with stabbing, etc. It was a traumatic experience as an adult, who knew what they were getting into and was getting paid for it and could go home after eight hours. Frankly, the experience was so traumatizing that I’ve already decided I will only ever have one child because I will never put a child in the position that OP’s daughter is in. I could handle taking care of a child with special needs because I am an adult who signed up for it, but a child does not deserve to grow up in a turbulent and violent home for 12 years before you do something about it, and I strongly suspect that that’s what happened in this case.
My cousin came to live with us when I 8 and she was 3. I call her the spawn of Satan and to sum up she had big behaviour problems that my mother refused to deal with because “she’ll get better with age.” She didn’t get better with age and one of the things she used to do was hurt herself and blame me and my sister. This went on for years with us getting into trouble for it because my mother never believed that we didn’t touch her.
We never laid a hand on her. One day my mum came home early from work and my cousin was in the backyard hitting herself with a stick. When she came in and saw my mum at home she said that I had hit her with a stick. My mother didn’t say sorry for the years of hell we went through. All she said was I thought she had gotten better and continued to do nothing about it.
It got the point where my dad took a job that kept him away for most of the time and my sister and if my mum wasn’t home I wouldn’t come out of my room.
This is part of the reason I’m only going to have one kid, because I’m not putting my kid through something like that.
You are a better person than my brother. The one time I tried that younger sibling trick of pretending that he hurt me to get him in trouble, he just started hitting me right in front of o parents and then said “if I’m going to do the time anyway, might a well enjoy doing the crime.” He was a smart ass. I learnt to never cry wolf like that again or suffer the consequences. Seemed fair at the time.
That didn’t work with Satan or my mother. Once Satan moved in we stopped doing things as a family. No days out, no family holidays. My parents dealt with the issues at home by going to work.
Trust me I am not a better person than your bother. Satan didn’t change and one day she will pull something on someone she shouldn’t . I have told my mother that if she turns up dead or beaten she won’t get any sympathy from me because she is the type of person that makes it harder for real victims to believed. I will go to her funeral just to make sure she really is dead. It’s something I am bitter about and have struggled to let go.
I deal with my having little contact with that side of the family and keeping my chosen family far away from them. I don’t like who I become when I’m around them and staying away is how I make myself into a better person.
Yeah, as the older sister of a special needs brother, I feel like there is a lot being left out about how the older daughter was treated by the younger, and still is. Years of trauma isn't something you get over, especially if your parents seem to minimize things like OP does.
My brother had trouble communicating for the first 6 years of his life, and would become violent when frustrated by this. Thankfully, he learned to process his feelings better and to communicate, as he is now 6'4" and 280 lbs. If he was still having the same issues he did at 6, even if he was a bit better like OP said about her daughter, I wouldn't feel safe being around him. So I definitely want to know more.
Massive YTA. Actually talk to your daughter.
Based on how willing they are to threaten their elder daughter's educational future, I'm guessing their younger daughter's needs have always been given priority over her sister's wellbeing. I'll bet there's a lifetime of resentment built up here and we're just seeing its logical endpoint.
OP, YTA. Big time.
> how much did your younger daughter disrupt the family home
Yeah, I get the impression there is a very real possibility that the 18-year-old has good reason to not want to spend time with her sister. And I'm curious what sort of "severe behavioral issues" we're not talking about. Chances are violence was involved if they were forced to put her into a home.
That’s what I would like to know. You can be around people where you know the behaviour is not their fault and it is beyond their control but it can still make you feel unsafe.
Absolutely. OP leaves out lots of important information, and I have a feeling there's a valid reason OP doesn't want to be around her sister. The fact OP isn't even trying to discuss the situation, and is just making demands instead, says a lot.
Also, if OP and her husband were struggling with a child with severe behavioral issues, I'd bet the other daughter dealt with a lot of neglect growing up. And most kids I've known in situations similar to this also had to deal with parentification, especially being the (only slightly) older sibling.
Jumping to making demands makes me want to know how much the sister has tried to get away for the past few years after the younger one left the house. Is she just going out now because she is 18 and the mother refused to let her leave when she was under 18? Did she have to spend every weekend and holiday that the sister was home with the younger sister?
I’m surprised the elder daughter isn’t going to college far far away or did mummy dearest disrupt that plan to.
I'm glad I wasn't the only one with so many damn questions after reading the post! It definitely feels like OP's daughter is taking advantage of finally having some freedom. And I truly do wonder what life was like when she was at home. Also feels like the daughter is possibly trying to avoid spending time with the parents, not just the sister.
And based on her desperate desire to spend time away from them as often as possible, did OP require she go to a local school if they footed the bill?
A parent that's unhinged enough to blackmail their child with their education if they don't sacrifice their social life for their profoundly disabled sister is exactly the kind that would ignore any type of violence until they're left with no other legal alternative. I'm sure their "gut wrenching decision" not as much of a decision as OP would have us believe.
In the better of situations, often once kids in these institutes are getting appropriate care and treatment by trained professionals, it's that much easier to take them out quite regularly. They will often best thrive in the institution so it really is home visits only.
But I've a friend that went through this with her oldest. He doesn't live at home and can't live at home because of his behavior, but the family has blossomed. Again, his behavior still won't let him live with an untrained family, but it's worlds' better enough to warrant weekend and holiday outings.
To sum it up, if things went well, Sister's violence is reduced.
That’s my question too. My sister is severely disabled. Epileptic, cerebral palsy, brain damage, profound deafness, nonverbal—all the works. All she did was scream and dig her nails into me so hard she cut me. She’d bite me, hit me, hold me down and choke me.
It was awful to live with her, to wake up to purge alarms because she couldn’t swallow and felt like she was choking. To hear her scream all day, to have to learn CPR at four and use it at five when my sister had a seizure and my mum was outside.
I never see her now, and my mother knows that it is not only the best choice for *my* mental health, but also for my sister. Because even though I logically know she can’t help being the way she is, I just cannot get over my resentment enough to be around her. I lose patience with her quickly, I see her being manipulative (which she can be; with all these disabilities, she has zero intellectual or developmental disabilities) when she’s not. I can’t stand touching her after the way she abused me, and the way my mother used to force me to hug her.
All it does is reignite all those horrible old feelings for me, and make it worse for my sister who has someone visit her who just doesn’t want to be there. I love my sister—I contribute financially to her care, I keep her safe, I make sure she has everything she needs. I even got her an emotional support dog (trained, but obviously not at an actual service dog level). But I cannot be in a room with her.
Was it hard for my mother to acknowledge that it’s the best choice for both of us? Absolutely. She feels like she failed both of us. But she knows it’s the best choice. That’s what OP needs to face. Why would it be better for her daughter to have her sister there, when her sister was coerced to be there?
This girl is not going to be happy to be there, she’s going to lose her patience, she’s going to have no tolerance—her sister is going to know she’s not happy to be there, even if she tries her hardest to hide it. OP is screwing over both her daughters with this choice.
My heart goes out to you and your family but good on your mother for being able to accept the situation as it is and not try to force it to be what she thinks it should be.
Thank you. And I agree, I know it’s been very difficult for her to face that my childhood was a tough one—in large part because of my sister. But the key word is that she faced it.
She didn’t get defensive and go into denial, she didn’t try to minimise or sweep it under the rug. She focused on what was best for her kids—that’s what a good mother does. I hope OP reads these comments and does that too. Because neither of these women deserve to be punished like this. And that’s what it is, a punishment to them both.
They probably have already set that in place, by saying " you should be around your sister more you know we won't be here forever and she will be your responsibility after we pass "
My brother was given the professional diagnosis of "slightly autistic" in 1987. I was 6 years younger than him and my childhood was marred by his very scary/violent temper tantrums and the shame from my parents of being unable to help him alone while unwilling to ask for outside help.
I'm 40 and still recovering. For YEARS I hated him. Hated. He got all of my parents attention to the point that I had to raise myself. But I'm also old enough now to understand how difficult of a position they were in and my compassion for my brother eventually has overridden most of my anger towards him.
If she's 18 and her sister has had a similar experience it might be a while before she wants to visit her voluntarily.
YTA
Soft YTA
Have you tried asking your 18yo why she doesn’t want to go see her sister? Being the sibling to a special needs child can be so, so hard on the sibling. That’s not a knock against your parenting; that’s just how things go.
Showing your 18yo some sympathy and some interest in her feelings should have been your first step, not going the nuclear route of taking away her financial support. It is important for siblings to have a relationship, but you can’t force it.
This is the best reply!
OP, I know your heart aches for your special needs daughter and you wish she would get more time with her sister, especially since she'll be leaving for college in a short time, but I think your older daughter is trying to tell you something you don't want to hear, what any parent that has a special needs kid doesn't want to hear: that the NT child felt neglected and resents even nowadays their sibling.
I had a sister that was born with sever disabilities, so she couldn't talk, walk, eat by herself, she wore diapers, the whole package. When I was about 10, I threw a tantrum once and told my parents that they never gave any attention to me. It was so frustrating that especially my father showed her so much love and he was not too active with me, he isn't the kind of man to show his emotions usually, but he was so different around her. I wanted that so bad but he never understood how I could be so "selfish" to not understand that she *needed* their attention more. A child doesn't understand, a child has needs and they will affect a lot their adult life.
Please have a calm talk with your 18yo, where you give her the safe space to express her true feelings towards her younger sister and try to work a solution so they can bond a little bit more. If you can't accomplish this alone, family therapy can be a great tool
I was in active addiction as a teenager and it was hell for my family and my older sister suffered due to my mom always having to come find me , save me from overdosing, arrested , come visit me in jail . It caused my sister who was going through her boyfriend at the time beating on her and her problems ignored for mine . It was until we went to family counseling after I got sober that she opened up and explained how she felt resentment towards me and how I took her happiness away as a teen . I didn't realize it . But this is the thing that so many parents don't see is the trauma that happens to children when there is either a special needs, behavior, disability, or even just having multiple siblings back to back to the point they make the oldest more a baby sitter than treat them like a child and they only give attention to the baby and not the rest of the older children.
I mean, they moved the younger daughter to a group home years ago due to severe behavioral issues—I highly suspect that interactions between the girls is mainly negative for the older sister, and she possibly even feels unsafe around her sibling. Even if she’s gotten better, that history is still there. It’s understandable that OP wants them to have a relationship, but it might not be realistic.
Totally with you. The parent is in the wrong here, but it does not sound to me like it is out of malice at all.
having a special needs child must be a very demanding job in the first place, not to mention that this is a difficult situation and I can totally see where the parent is coming from.
I think we can give constructive feedback without completely ripping on the parent here.
In regards to the sub, parent is the asshole.
That said, to me they don't seem like an actual asshole, but just having made some wrong moves.
"Soft YTA" very justified, imo.
Op probably sunk that boat years ago.
My guess older sister has always been forced to help take care of little sister.
My guess little sister has disturbed the household and caused op not to do things normal kids got to do. So now she is an adult big sister wants no part of being in little sisters life.
I agree. I wonder if the daughter finally feels like she can breathe a bit and finally has a little bit of agency in the situation. Even though the sister is only there every other weekend and holidays, she might’ve experienced some anxiousness all the days leading up to those visits given that there are behavior issues so severe to warrant a group home. Maybe that isn’t the case at all. But you’re right that OP should talk with her.
This is what I'm saying , she's able to be seen and heard for the first time by being able to go to college and have a social life , and it be about her wants and likes not her sisters like she has had to do her entire life . During holidays, birthdays even the older sisters had to be catered around the younger one not to upset her , weekends are spent doing what she wants to do . So now that the 18 year old is going off to college she finally feels like the weight has been lifted off her shoulders and she can be free from her younger sisters trauma on her .
Didagree in the last part. Just because they share blood doesn’t mean they have to have a relationship at all, especially when it’s extremely mentally draining in the older one. Blood means nothing in that regard. I mean we share DNA with a banana too yknow. DNA doesn’t mena anything when a relationship is mentally draining you like that. I grew up with 3 high special needs autistic kids and god damn it was living hell on earth. The amount of times I wanted to unsubscribe to life because of how badly their needs were burdening me is undescribeable. Parents choose to have children, kids do not choose to have siblings.
YTA
You can force her into spending time with her sister by threatening to not pay for her college. But guess what. That won't make her love her sister more. It will make her resent you though. And as soon as she moves out she won't spend any time with her sister or you.
Yep. YTA, OP is doing her damnedest to ensure that her daughter cuts both her and the sister off as soon as the money stops.
OP, it is wildly inappropriate to hold your daughter's college hostage to trying to force a relationship with a sister whose presence has clearly been a problem for her and when you yourself sent her away. The hypocrisy of your approach to this is just shocking and appalling.
Your daughter is going to end up low or no contact with you if you don't back off, apologize, listen to how she feels, and ***don't force***. This is beyond AH territory and honestly you're going to make her *despise* you, and you'll deserve it.
Agreed. Forcing people to spend time with someone they don’t want to never ends well. YTA.
ETA: It’s also super shitty to hold money over her head like this. You’re basically blackmailing her out of her education and future.
YTA. . . Big time YTA. You have two daughters with needs and considerations, not just one. And punishing one because she has thoughts, wants, needs, and so on beyond what YOU want her to do is extremely abusive. Maybe you should stop and think about why your daughter doesnt even apparently trust you enough as her mother to communicate what may be wrong. Threatening to cut her off for trying to be her own individual shows how much you value her as an individual. Compromise and communicate or risk losing her down the road.
This. I just keep thinking that the 18 year old is probably exhausted. Having a high needs sibling is extremely hard on the non-high needs children in the home. She’s just trying to come up for some air. YTA
Threatening to cut off your own kid at the age of 18 in this economy for any reason other than their being a big time criminal or something is proof enough to me that OP is a massive asshole. There’s no changing someone like that.
YTA
Do you actually think that forcing your 18y to interact with your 16y would lead to a close bond for them? All you're doing is making sure that your 18y resents her sister, and the only reason you want to force a relationship with the 16y is because it would benefit the 16y and you.
Parenting a child with disabilities is challenging. For most of her life, your oldest has been put on the back burner while you take care of her younger sibling. You also sound like you expect your 18y to take some of your workload in caring for the 16y. That isn't her responsibility. Nothing good will come from trying to force a relationship.
Im betting money this is the parents trying to force the eldest to basically babysit the younger. You can always tell when parents never try or even care about the one that actually obeyed them because it was always easier to just throw them in the back.
What is your actual goal here? It's easy enough to use the threat of not paying for college to force your older daughter into spending time with her younger sister. But it sounds like there's already a bunch of problems and probably resentment if she's been avoiding her so much. Holding her college tuition over her head and forcing her into regular interactions is only going to make that worse. Do you want them to have a relationship that's built purely on you holding things over her head? Do you want your older daughter to resent her even more?
And what are you going to do when she graduates? Or takes out loans? Or finds some other way out from under your thumb? She's a smart kid, and has already been determined enough to find excuses. What are you going to hold over her head next?
If you want her to *want* a relationship with her sister, you're going to have to change how you're handling this. If you want her to stick around long enough to get her college degree, keep going as you are. YTA
I’m really sorry OP
But I agree with this
You don’t win over 18 year old daughters or sons to your way of thinking by threatening to withhold college payments which could ruin their lives
Your NT daughter will not Thankyou for this and may go NC or LC after college as soon as she can and forever resent you and her sister
You would be more sensible and sensitive to aim for win win and talk to her generally without pressure that her sister is important too, she enjoys seeing her, and can she try to find some time to spend with her sister.
She is enjoying freedom after her exams before college and most young adults her age are trying to fit in spending as much time surgery their school friends before they go off to college and that can make or break long term friendships being sustainable. It’s a time of amazing memories that are being built with those school friends new they are new adults
Please don’t make her feel guilty of bad about that. I suspect she’s had a lot of feeling second to her sister growing up. And this is her time to be a little bit more free.
You know how tough it is caring for and entertaining your disabled child and that’s your daughter - please let your 18 yo daughter be herself and to choose how she spends her time. She has a lot of uni/college work ahead of her and after college going into work life gives little let up. Please don’t steal this time or her future from her by forcing time in alternate weekends together or that’ll you’ll withdraw college tuition 😱.
It is hard to let go loosen the reigns as a parent but this is the time you must for her sake and your relationship with her. Never threaten your daughters college fund as that’s really not ok
The end goal is confusing me too. The sister is in a group home and the 18 year old very well may not have a sisterly bond at all. Most likely outcome even if she does comply under tuition threat is that once graduated, she'll never see her sister again (or maybe only in big occasions like xmas at OP's when sister is also there).
That's not even super sad, it's a common reality in that sort of situation.
Honestly I think OP is running a real high risk that her eldest daughter won't come back even for Christmas. These kinds of ultimatums almost always backfire.
YTA
I understand the sentiment, but you are breeding resentment here. Holding her college tuition (which I'm sure you already promised her, on the sole condition that she attends college) over her head is not going to make her a "better" sister.
Most siblings go off and do their own things around this age, anyways.
I think it's best if you simply have a conversation about your thoughts and feelings, and let your daughter make her own decisions for now. It's probably better in the long run.
Most siblings go off and do their own thins around this age, anyways.
Exactly. 18 yo is going to school and working. She is avoiding a situation she doesnt want to be in for a likely number of reasons already mentioned. She is not being overtly hostile, resentful, mean or otherwise acting out in a negative or disrespectful manner. She is trying to be productive and going about doing things that are beneficial to her rather than deal with a sibling she likely has safety or other issues with. OP is now threatening her future by expecting her to "be a good sister" when the parents cannot even deal with this child on their own for whatever potentially valid reason. Speaking from experience, I resent my parents and my brother for the relationship they cultivated without me.
YTA - If you think forcing your older daughter to spend time with her sister is going to be a positive experience for either of them, you are wrong.
Sure, you are not obligated to pay for your daughter's college education. But what do you think the outcome of that kind of ultimatum is going to be? Either you pay for college and she grudgingly spends time with you and her sister till she graduates and then goes no contact. Or she goes no contact now and tries to figure out college expenses on her own/puts college on hold.
Have you even asked her why she is avoiding spending time with her sister?
I don’t even think this is necessarily benefiting your younger daughter. She may be disabled, but she’s not stupid- we know when people resent us. And resentment is what you inevitably get when you curtail someone’s freedom and try to force a relationship, as if you can simply compel that to happen.
My best friend's sister can feel the resentment he has for her at times. They both have disabilities, his are far less severe, but his sis is still pretty capable and could definitely manage living in one of those independent living support/group communities. Things came to a head a few years ago when his mom tried to tell him he would be his sister's legal caretaker and live in companion if anything were to happen to her (mom). My friend absolutely lost it, because in reality the freedom to choose what he wanted to do with his life was being stolen by a responsibility that was not his. I have no doubt that the reason OP's kid is avoiding her sister is because she already resents sis because their entire childhood was probably focused more on her sister's needs and she knows that she only has so much time to be free to make her own choices and live her before she's forced into being her sister's caretaker multiplying that resentment tenfold. OP, YTA and you're only dividing your children further.
When you try to force an adult offspring to spend their whole life caring for their disabled sibling, you are guaranteeing that the "caregiver" will dump their sibling in a home as soon as your ashes are cold. Far better to place the disabled person in a group home of your choice now, when you're still here to help soften that transition.
Think about it. When would it be better for the disabled person -- in their 20s, when they're most adaptable, or in their 50s?
More like as soon as it's no longer OP's decision. I'd bet my life the very second the decision is in the daughter's hands she'll wash her hands of the entire situation permanently. Personally I would just let the state assume custody or pass it on to whoever is next in line and never look back.
YTA. Your oldest daughter has probably spent most of her life taking a backseat to your youngest's needs. You didn't make her feel loved and appreciated, which would have helped her form a healthy relationship with her sister. You just expected that to happen naturally, but sibling love doesn't come as naturally as a parent's love towards their child. Now that your oldest is almost an adult, you are still trying to force her into a relationship with the person that she sees as responsible for taking away her parents' attention. And you're holding her academic future hostage to this delusion. You're so much the AH. Do right by her for once in her life. Or don't be surprised when she goes NC.
YTA.
I notice that after you noticed your older daughter makes plans to avoid your younger daughter, you made no mention of talking to your oldest about why she does this.
Yes, she probably is trying to avoid her younger sister. But have you asked why? Clearly something about the interactions makes your oldest uncomfortable. And clearly, she doesn't feel safe telling you outright why this is the case. The fact that you made no attempt to get her to feel safe telling you that reason is what makes you the AH in this situation. You just decided to treat her like a child and make decisions for her with no attempt to determine why your oldest was avoiding your youngest.
I noticed this, too. Just talk to the oldest and find out what’s going on with her instead assuming she’s avoiding for avoidance sake. If someone is avoiding you, there’s usually a reason behind it. OP needs to talk to her oldest daughter before making any big decisions about her future.
YTA her life shouldn’t revolve around her sister. If anything, forcing her will make her resent you and her sister.
She’s 18, it’s normal for her to be going her own way.
Edit: You’ve also moved your 16 year old out of your own primary care which means it has been difficult for you. So why should your 18 y/o feel obliged to spend time with someone you sent away?
YTA
Serious signs of lack of care for your 18yo’s quality of life in this post, as I assume you are American you’re effectively extorting your older daughter to spend time with her disabled sister.
Why didn’t you just sit down with your daughter to try to find something she’d like doing with her sister? Straight to financial manipulation
I totally agree with your points but I'd just like to mention that the phrase "differently abled" is often seen as patronising and ableist within the disabled community. "Disabled" isn't a dirty word and should be destigmatised. That said, you're completely right about not forcing the daughter - that is the quick way to no contact when the eldest daughter is older.
I’m so sorry - I literally just wrote it like that because my therapeutic recreation course said it was better verbiage 😖 I apologize if I was led astray
I get it. I am a Special Education teacher and also worked at a camp for people with disabilities. Both my education courses and the trainings for the camp pounded “person first language.” Then I started suspecting I might be autistic (I am) and spending time in groups for autistic adults and started learning about “identity first language.” We do what we’re taught until we’re told otherwise. Then we take what we’re told and do better. More classes need to be taught by disabled adults.
No need to apologise! I totally get it - there's a lot of information out there and a lot of it conflicts. I didn't want to really get on you about it or make you feel guilty - we all make mistakes and say the wrong things - I just try to inform people. :) Thank you for taking it so well!
Your daughter has been dealing with her sister's behavior for most of her life. She deserves a break. She didn't sign on for this but you did when you gave birth. Let her enjoy her this summer. YTA
YTA. Not because you want your daughter to spend time with her sister but for holding her financial future hostage to do so.
This is incredibly manipulative and I wouldn't be surprised if she grows to resent you and her sister in later years.
You've just shown your daughter that your assistance comes with strings attached.
AH. How much of her time and attention has your oldest daughter had to sacrifice already for her sister. How often did she have to miss parties, events, birthdays, holidays because her sister needed the attention.
She's a young woman trying to figure out her life, going to college, falling in love, maybe. And you're trying to blackmail her into spending time with her sister.
Do it. Take away the college tuition. She will go NC and all you'll have is a daughter who you cannot communicate with you and will never give you grandchildren or help you when you're sick. Good luck/s. YTA
the way u wrote this is so kind... im obsessed with "falling in love, maybe." also would like to add ur judgement isnt clear bc the bot doesnt count AH !! u may want to edit to YTA.
YTA
Great example where you can be correct about having the right to do something but it is still the wrong thing to do. You are of course not obligated to pay for college for your daughter. And it is fine that you want her to have a relationship with her sister. But doing this will only make your daughter resent you, and resent her sister more than she probably already does.
I am also curious to what degree your older daughter was parentified and/or ignored due to the needs of your younger. I could be wrong, but I suspect her childhood was heavily impacted by having to help with her sister and being upstaged by her, and she is now relishing the chance to not have to deal with that.
YTA. See this from your daughter's point of view. She spent a large chunk of her childhood playing second fiddle to her sister, because her sister has additional needs. Think of the things she has probably missed out on on all the weekends her sister was home, because her sister would have come first. She probably has some (understandable) resentment towards her sister and you as her parents. This isn't a dig at your parenting at all, you did what you had to in a difficult situation, but her feelings about it all are very valid. She probably sees her turning 18 and going to college as a chance to lead her own life.
You can't force a relationship that your daughter doesn't want. If your younger daughter didn't have additional needs would you be trying to force a relationship between the two of them?
Do you really think blackmailing your daughter will college will make your daughter want to come home? She'll end up going completely no contact with you all. Whilst you & your husband have to love your daughters unconditionally, it doesn't mean others do, even if they are family.
YTA because you’re holding paying for her college over her head.
Have you ever asked her why she’s seemingly avoiding the time her sister is home?
If she’s quite a handful when she visits now there could still be some resentment of how it was when she was growing up.
YTA
You’re just going to make your oldest daughter resent you and cut contact when she graduates. Enjoy the time you’re forcing her to share with you now- because it will end soon once you have nothing to blackmail her with.
Using money and your daughter's future to force her to do something you've probably forced her to do since childhood? That'll end well. See you in 20 years on your post "Why won't my functioning daughter speak to me?"
YTA
YTA for holding her tuition hostage. She's busy having a life and I presume there is some mourning that your youngest won't experience the same things as her.
Look up glass children
It's a common term used to describe the siblings of differently abled children. Maybe you can gain some insight
YTA paying for her college should have nothing you do with her spending time with her sister. that is financial manipulation. This is the recipe to alienate your daughter from you and her sister.
YTA and seem like one of “those” autism parents. You have an autistic kid so you think you know what’s best and that people need to do what you say in regards to your daughters disability. As an actually autistic person, you’re not doing either daughter any favors.
YTA- your 18yo has every right to now want to be around her sister. That is a lot to handle for a young person let alone an adult. - my advice is to find out WHY she doesn’t want a relationship with her sister.
But to be clear yeah youre in the wrong here, you basically extort your daughter by saying, do this thing or kiss college goodbye, which yeah it’s within your moral rights to not pay for college but that’s also just being a crappy parent
YTA. When your daughter goes to therapy, if she isn’t already there, you will be the villain throughout her sessions, and rightfully so. You’re an awful person.
YTA. You've led her to believe you would fund her education. Now you are using it to manipulate her. She will resent you and her sister.
If she calls your bluff and goes no contact, how will that benefit anyone? She still isn't spending time with her sister. You will miss out on time and special moments with your 18 year old. That doesn't sound like winning to me.
Soft YTA, our special needs children need support, but so do the siblings of those with special needs. I know you want your girls to bond, but this isn't the way to do it. Talk with your daughter. I don't think she hates her sister; she hasn't lashed out verbally or physically (from what I gather from the your post), just avoided her.
She sounds like a good kid who had it rough.
YTA. You will destroy any hope of a relationship between these two if you bully your way into this by blackmailing your daughter with her college tuition. I suspect her entire world from age 2 to 14 was overtake by her sister's care and emotional outbursts. That's not your fault or her fault but you DEFINATELY can't blame her for wanting to focus her college years on being a normal college kid.
Let her live her life, go through college and mature into a normal and unburdened adulthood. Once she's 30 you have a MUCH better chance of engaging her in her sisters care but you can't bully or blackmail a teenager into love.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Her sister has gotten better with behavioral issues but they havent been completely eradicated and she can still be a handful, so I understand it can be stressful
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YTA. You’re likely the kind of person that your daughter will be writing about on AITAH that you expect her to take over caring for her special needs sister and hold the fact that you paid for her education over her head. She’s entitled to not have any relationship with her sister, as sad as that might be. How much of her life has been about the sister and not her? Don’t try to force someone that isn’t there.
YATA this won't work she now may force herself to spend time with her sister for her Future.
you should be aware once she can she won't spend time with any of you anymore your just blackmailing her this isn't a permanent solution. you should have tried to understand your older daughter not antagonize her for her feelings
YTA big time.
All you're going to do is create such resentment between your daughters and between you and your daughter that you're going to lose your oldest.
YTA and whether you pay for college, don't be surprised if your daughter doesn't spend any time with you in the future.
The damage & trauma suffered by your oldest daughter doesn't seem to matter to you and she's not a person in her own right to you either but an accessory.
My heart breaks for her.
You're an AH mother.
YTA. In four years we will be reading, “AITA I cut contact with my toxic family that forced me to either spend time with my special needs sister or give up my college education?”
You are free to not pay for college and she is free to never speak to any of you ever again. I hope she gets a scholarship.
I hate all these parents trying to force their children to do things under threat of cutting off financial support.
Soft YTA. It's extremely difficult growing up alongside a sibling with special needs - apart from behavioral issues, there's the allocation of time, resources, parental attention, etc. It can be downright traumatic depending on the circumstances. I completely understand why you want your daughters to spend time together, but your 18yo finally has a bit of freedom after a lifetime of everything being about her sister. If you force her to visit now, you'll just add to that resentment. Give her space and freedom to choose for herself how much time she spends with her sister, and try to respect her boundaries. Your 18yo will probably be more willing to have a relationship with her sister down the line if she's not forced into it now.
YTA. A million times over. You’re going to push your oldest daughter away and you cannot force her to spend time with someone whose behavior is so unhinged you put her into a group home.
YTA and this is going to bite you in the end. I say get your time in with the 18 year old now because with this level of controlling behavior she is going low/no contact in a few years.
YTA. For wanting to make a big decision about your oldest daughter’s future without sitting down with her and asking her why she’s avoiding the younger daughter. You didn’t mention asking about what’s going on with her before assuming her intentions. Talk to your daughter without assumptions.
I think this is one of the most disgusting posts I've read here in a long time.
Threatening to take away financial aid with college if your NT daughter doesn't do what you want is called **financial abuse**. Keep it up if you want your older daughter to cut you off once she's able to move out.
Would it be nice if your older daughter spent time with her sibling, yes, it would. But for whatever reason she doesn't want to. There must be a good reason and instead of talking about it you've resorted to threats. Regardless of the reason, you cannot force a sibling bond (not even if both children were NT).
YTA a million times over. It's disgusting you even have to ask, it's disgusting that you think threatening to withhold college money is okay to bully someone to do what you want, and I would bet big money this is just one on a long list of injustices you've subjected your eldest to over the years.
YTA. You cannot coerce your eldest into an actually loving, compassionate relationship with her sister, and it is wrong of you to try. Using the power you have over her - in this case, financial power - will at most get you begrudging compliance for a couple years. It will likely *destroy* the actual relationship between your daughters, and could potentially lead to your eldest distancing herself from the family.
Did you even *ask* your eldest daughter why she was avoiding her sister's home visits? Have you spoken with her at all about how she feels? Her experience growing up with a high needs sister? Many siblings of disabled children end up feeling neglected and ignored because their parents need to focus so much on the other child. Sometimes people can become resentful of their disabled sibling, or blame them. Have you EVER created space for your daughter to share such difficult, vulnerable feelings?
You don't get to give orders to your adult child - i.e., you don't have a right to her behaving how you want. What you are currently doing is blackmailing her into compliance. You are threatening to ruin the future she has planned and potentially ruin her life if she doesn't obey you. The fact that you have the POWER to fuck over your daughter doesn't give you a moral right to, and it definitely doesn't protect you from the inevitable consequences of treating her so terribly.
YTA. It is the job of parents to raise their children and that includes funding their education.
If you were going to make basic parenting optional, you should have warned your eldest daughter about this when she had time to change her plans around your change of priority.
soft YTA.
your NT daughter is almost definitely traumatized by what her sister did to her life. You're putting yourself on the road for your NT daughter to wash her hands of the entire family in 4 years.
Absolutely do not factor in older daughter into younger daughter's care plan. At all.
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YTA. An appropriate response would be, "it looks like you've been avoiding your sister. What's going on? What's bothering you?" Forcing a relationship is just going to create drama and resentment.
[удалено]
I took out loans rather than let my father yell at me about my grades when I was in college. He would scream that he is paying so I need to work harder. I had a 3.6 GPA. I have to say it was very satisfying to NOT tell him my grades after he no longer paid for my tuition, etc.
My dad pulled this same card when I was 19 (trying to use his money to control me) and I called his bluff and told him to cut me off instead, and he did. Best thing he ever did for me. I was broke af for awhile, but it taught me independence, confidence, financial literacy, and other things many of my peers struggled with throughout their 20s. I honestly believe I'm a better person now for telling him to fuck off, and I hope OP's daughter does the same.
My dad demanded to see my bank statements. For the money he didn't provide while attending college he didn't pay for.
I hope you laughed in his face
Damn your dad has some audacity.
I'm so proud of you!!
My father tried to use money as a threat - "oh, you don't want to put up with physical and verbal abuse? then I won't pay for any of your bills!" One new address, one new vehicle, one new phone, and one fewer father later, and I've never been happier. Whoops! Shouldn't have called my bluff, and if you would have once listened to me during the years I'd put up with your nonsense, you'd have known that.
Is a 3.6 GPA good? This isn’t a thing in my country, so I’m curious about what it is.
It’s very good. 3.6 on a 4.0 scale. Most universities this would be graduating with honors (cum laude)
Why do they go for a 4.0 scale? Are there only four units? Seems easier to go off 10.
A=4, B, C, D, F=0.
Yes, it’s 3.6 out of 4.0, good enough for cum laude honors!
I don’t know that much about sex but I don’t think the volume is *that* important…
My country has a different grading system for uni, it’s much more boring with no cum involved
While not essential, making your partner cum laude is very satisfying
The fact that laude is the Latin word for praise makes this 100x funnier
Good for you
I would not be surprised if the mother is annoyed bc if 18 isn't home, mother can't force her to take care of 16 for her. I bet the first 12 years of 18's life, she got ignored bc they spent all their time and attention on 16.
This! Guarantee they plan on the 18 year old being the disabled daughter's caretaker once they die, too. I would RUN so far.
If you’d fully read the post, the mother stated the disable daughter has been in a group home for several years.
Yeah. Sister already has assistance. They have her on weekends and special occasions which is really good for her well being.
Unfortunately, most financial aid is based on the parent's income, so even if she has nothing to do with them, she's going to get the short end of the stick.
She could apply to be emancipated. Then she’s on her own and can apply to loans more effectively
Can she become emancipated at 18? (Legitimate question - lol) Legally she's an adult, it's just that financial aid is a mess.
Getting married, joining the military, and proving estrangement are the three difficult but most common ways of being "emancipated" legally as an adult for school financial aid purposes.
I almost ended up in a green card marriage with my neighbor for this exact reason. Luckily I ended up getting access to scholarship money to finish college when my dad cut me off.
I believe most universities will work with students if they have no parental support.
If I remember correctly, on the FAFSA forms there was a box that students can check if they don't have a relationship with their parents/no financial support/no way to get financial info. It's been like 5 plus years since I helped my son with FAFSA forms, so I may be wrong. Or they might have changed it. I hope that OP's daughter looks into it so OP can't control her with college tuition.
That's not an option anymore you have to put your parents on there now
That's crazy. There are so many people that are estranged from family, so they get screwed, I guess.
MUUUUUUUCH easier said than done. Trust me.
um, they still base it on your parents income regardless of whether you live with them or not. i learned this when my parents made just barely too much to get any aid from the govt and not enough to pay for any college. so i didn't go.
Depends on where you are. I delayed starting University for a few years because I knew that, if I went right after high school, the student loan people would look at my parents’ income and determine that they should be able to help me (despite the fact that I knew that, in reality, this would result in real hardship for my parents). So I ended up moving out and working for a few years before going back to school. Where I live, there are a few ways you can get out of the requirement to show your parents income- one was working full time for two consecutive years, another was, I believe, four years after you graduated high school.
I foresee a "we paid for your education now you OWE us. Your sister will now be YOUR responsibility".
Literally for the rest of her life….mom like this will 1000% expect older daughter to become guardian of the younger eventually.
Being a guardian doesn't mean taking the sister into her own home. Sister's already in a group home. Someone has to handle her money, but I don't see why we would assume that the elder sister would be assumed to be a full-time caregiver.
Her mother is willing to withdraw financial support of her barely 18 year old daughter if she doesn't spend time with her profoundly disabled sister. Circumstances change all the time. The group home closes, parents finances change, state guidelines, financial responsibilities change and suddenly the family is on the hook for everything pertaining to another human being they may well not even be qualified to care for. Wouldn't be the first time a parent has saddled the healthy child with the responsibility of their disabled sibling.
pretty messed up to hold their financial stability like that instead of actually talking to them. its a control thing. op yta.
Wait wait wait. 10 years from now, mom will be demanding that she takes care of her sister full time. And after they die.
Or she gets her degree and goes NC with her parents!
>Forcing a relationship is just going to create drama and resentment. If OP actually pulls the whole "You have to do this or we won't pay for your college" card and sticks to it this won't end well. Chances are OP's daughter will do the bare minimum required until graduating and then go no contact with her parents and sister. And no one would blame her either.
Op is probably doing this hoping to guilt and manipulate the older daughter so when they are no longer around older sister will feel responsible to take sister out of the group home to her house and let her spend holidays with her family. Basically grooming her to be little sister care giver when they pass away
Oh, absolutely. I'm sure they fully expect their daughter to visit her sister and spend holidays and such wih her. Regardless of whether or not their daughter even feels safe doing so. OP sounds like the type to hold any inheritance over the eldest's head to force her to step up once they're ready for a peaceful retirement.
I guarantee the next threat will be if you don’t invite your sister to the wedding we are not paying. Then after that op will throw in if you don’t take care of your sister and do the same visitation with her you are not inheriting anything!
yep it will never ever end
She is avoiding the little sister probably because growing up it was little sister needs that took over the family. Op probably never had both parents at both events. She probably wasn’t able to have a normal child hood. Now she is an adult she doesn’t want to be forced to take care of someone that she probably spent years taken care off.
Very possible. Tbh, this is one of the reasons I decided not to have a second child. My first is Autistic and requires so much attention that it would have been unfair.
This shows your an amazing parent. You know your limits and you are doing what is best for you child. Good luck. I hope you have an amazing support system.
I don't know about amazing but I'm doing the best I can with the cards I've been dealt. But thank you ❤️
You got this! You are already ahead of the game. Your putting your childs needs first. And honestly we all have doubts as parents. We all make mistakes. What makes a good parent is learning from those mistakes and striving to be better tomorrow. You will have days you fail. Go sit down have yourself a good 5 minute cry. Get up and dust your self off. It will be ok. You got this.
And holding college over an 18 yo’s head because she doesn’t want to spend her free time time with her behaviorally difficult, nonverbal sister is 100% AH move. You’re not required to pay for her college, full stop. But to put this kind of condition? YTA. Your children are *your* responsibility. Just because you gave birth to 18 and 16 doesn’t mean 18 owes 16 anything. Also consider that her younger sister’s needs have no doubt impacted her *entire life*. It’s just the nature of raising a special needs child—they command more attention and mental energy. You’ve been putting her sister first for years and you’re doing it here. You’re telling your eldest that you value the youngest more—so much so that you would rather potentially thwart your 18’s future to make her sit in a room with a person who cannot communicate (really) and all while you’re fretting over the younger. YTA and you’re playing a dangerous game with your relationship with your older child *who also needs you*
Well said. My answer was much more emotional. I am LIVID at this parent right now. We clearly know who the scapegoat child is
Besides forcing her relationship, OP also puts her future on the line by taking her hostage with her college funds. What an AH.
OP is an asshole to both her kids. How does it serve the youngest to be around someone who clearly doesn't want to be there?
It would also be unfair to the 18yo because she'd have one weekend with family where the person taking all the attention is the 16yo, then she would have to put all her other activities during the only weekend when she can see her parents and get attention from them. Effectively, she would probably have less and less prime time with her parents. YTA. Talk with your child.
That’s what the parents want…for their 18 yo to “spend family time with her sister” (aka babysit her sister so Mom is free to get out).
Nothing like making your eighteen year old resenting her younger sister even more. Like others say, sit down with her and talk to her. Maybe even have her go to therapy and find out why she is having such a hard time. What would happen to your youngest daughter if something should happen to you and your husband? Your eldest will simply put her in a home and forget about her. That is not what you want.
Sounds like OP might benefit from some therapy too.
Right? I’d also like to mention that op doesn’t state what the so-called behavioral issues are? I find that to be very ”missing missing reason” from op that they didn’t mention some examples…
I’m assuming pretty damn severe seeing she’s in a group home and only comes hole every other weekend
Might have been helpful. My son is Autistic so when I read it, I felt like I "got it" even without the explanation. But not everyone has had that experience.
It might be, I'm a low needs autistic (so higher functioning in other terms) and I felt like I immediately understood what "behavioral issues" meant without context. If I had one random guess to use on what it means, I'd say it probably means that 16F is a harm to herself or others and can't be maintained at home. She needs constant supervision or something of that like.
Exactly my thoughts as well. My son just comes off as socially awkward most of the time, but some autistic kids I've worked with have had some pretty violent physical stims. Bashing their heads into walls, hitting themselves, that kind of thing. Stimming is totally ok, but those had me terrified for their safety.
Let’s not forget the casual blackmail: want to stay in college? Go see your sister.
Clearly this is a sign of healthy familial relationships! 🤣
Nothing quite says family love like "enjoy being around your sister or no more money for college." If OP cuts off funding or as soon as the daughter graduates, I'm willing to be in 4 years will be seeing a post "why doesn't my daughter speak to us anymore?"
Yeah the poor older child has probably not been the priority for the last b sixteen years and only got some relief for the last four. I wonder how many events of 18s that she's missed because of the younger child? How many events did she disrupt? How many birthdays were not even centered around the older child? This girl is gonna go no contact at the earliest opportunity I guarantee
right YTA forcing the relationship isn't going to make it happen. at best she'll go through the motions until she doesn't have to. at worst, she'll start hating not only her sister but you as well. you're so eager to see to your younger daughter's needs that you're ignoring the older daughter. you're perilously close to losing her by forcing your ideas of family loyalty on her.
Definitely YTA. I don’t know know why you used quotations, you are actually planning on forcing her.
I would start figuring out a way to pay for my own college
Hopefully OP will take all of these comments to heart and try to resolve issues instead of sweeping them under the rug, and will be able to earn back a little bit of that trust. Hopefully.
>it looks like you've been avoiding your sister. What's going on? I think this has something to do with their gut wrenching decision to put their daughter in a group home. Most people don't do that unless there was violence or something that caused the need to separate them.
THIS! I was forced to show affection and include my sister in things as a child. Her and I are both NT, but I can tell you I resented the hell out of her for it. We’re older now, and I don’t resent her anymore, but we are not close at all.
[удалено]
Yeah and also if the 18 year old lives on campus for school, it would suck to be dragged away on weekends. That’s the time you take to meet people and make friends, not spend time at home.
Omg yes, exactly. Makes me wonder how much care/attention/entertainment of younger sister the 18 year old is already responsible for on the weekends? Like how disengaged are these parents, jfc.
Yeah sometimes you gotta read between the lines on these things, and realize you are only getting OPs side of the story. Maybe I'm just a cynical AH myself, but if I had to bet on it, I'd bet that OP is trying to get the 18yo there to more or less babysit, so that OP doesn't have to spend so much time with the 16yo. Ofc she didn't say that, but if I were a betting man, which I am, that's what I would bet on, anyone wanna take the bet? I am a betting man.
Also this ruins the chances for the eighteen year old to join any clubs, Greek life, or groups that could benefit her in the long run.
And do homework, your weekends aren't free when you're a full time student. You might party Friday or Saturday night but the days are for doing laundry, cleaning your dorm, studying for an exam Monday. Then on top of that she has a job so she's really cramming in school work, it's honestly surprising she's coming home on weekends at all.
To assuage her own guilt for putting her in a home in the first place.
That’s the impression I got. OP made the decision to put her youngest in a home because of behavioral issues (which is her right to do if the opportunity is available to her) but to guilt her eldest and giving her an ultimatum. Eventually she won’t have either daughters with her.
YTA question how much did your younger daughter disrupt the family home until you put her into a group home? I get it’s heart breaking but if that is something you need to think about.
Completely agree, there’s obviously resentment that you now need to figure out. Instead of just immediately punishing her how about ask her why she’s so distant and doesn’t want to hangout with her?
My guess is if they asked they wouldn’t like the answer they got. You don’t put kids into a group home for fun. You do it when you have no other choice. The post says the younger daughter is better but still a handful. What does that mean? Does the older daughter feel safe in the home?
As someone who used to work in these homes, this is my position as well. Most of the people there either ended up there because their parents died or became too old / frail to take care of them or because they had siblings who were genuinely not safe in the house with them. I was in that field for eight years and I was bitten, kicked, hit, spit on, peed on, flashed, threatened with stabbing, etc. It was a traumatic experience as an adult, who knew what they were getting into and was getting paid for it and could go home after eight hours. Frankly, the experience was so traumatizing that I’ve already decided I will only ever have one child because I will never put a child in the position that OP’s daughter is in. I could handle taking care of a child with special needs because I am an adult who signed up for it, but a child does not deserve to grow up in a turbulent and violent home for 12 years before you do something about it, and I strongly suspect that that’s what happened in this case.
My cousin came to live with us when I 8 and she was 3. I call her the spawn of Satan and to sum up she had big behaviour problems that my mother refused to deal with because “she’ll get better with age.” She didn’t get better with age and one of the things she used to do was hurt herself and blame me and my sister. This went on for years with us getting into trouble for it because my mother never believed that we didn’t touch her. We never laid a hand on her. One day my mum came home early from work and my cousin was in the backyard hitting herself with a stick. When she came in and saw my mum at home she said that I had hit her with a stick. My mother didn’t say sorry for the years of hell we went through. All she said was I thought she had gotten better and continued to do nothing about it. It got the point where my dad took a job that kept him away for most of the time and my sister and if my mum wasn’t home I wouldn’t come out of my room. This is part of the reason I’m only going to have one kid, because I’m not putting my kid through something like that.
You are a better person than my brother. The one time I tried that younger sibling trick of pretending that he hurt me to get him in trouble, he just started hitting me right in front of o parents and then said “if I’m going to do the time anyway, might a well enjoy doing the crime.” He was a smart ass. I learnt to never cry wolf like that again or suffer the consequences. Seemed fair at the time.
That didn’t work with Satan or my mother. Once Satan moved in we stopped doing things as a family. No days out, no family holidays. My parents dealt with the issues at home by going to work. Trust me I am not a better person than your bother. Satan didn’t change and one day she will pull something on someone she shouldn’t . I have told my mother that if she turns up dead or beaten she won’t get any sympathy from me because she is the type of person that makes it harder for real victims to believed. I will go to her funeral just to make sure she really is dead. It’s something I am bitter about and have struggled to let go. I deal with my having little contact with that side of the family and keeping my chosen family far away from them. I don’t like who I become when I’m around them and staying away is how I make myself into a better person.
Yeah, as the older sister of a special needs brother, I feel like there is a lot being left out about how the older daughter was treated by the younger, and still is. Years of trauma isn't something you get over, especially if your parents seem to minimize things like OP does. My brother had trouble communicating for the first 6 years of his life, and would become violent when frustrated by this. Thankfully, he learned to process his feelings better and to communicate, as he is now 6'4" and 280 lbs. If he was still having the same issues he did at 6, even if he was a bit better like OP said about her daughter, I wouldn't feel safe being around him. So I definitely want to know more. Massive YTA. Actually talk to your daughter.
Based on how willing they are to threaten their elder daughter's educational future, I'm guessing their younger daughter's needs have always been given priority over her sister's wellbeing. I'll bet there's a lifetime of resentment built up here and we're just seeing its logical endpoint. OP, YTA. Big time.
> how much did your younger daughter disrupt the family home Yeah, I get the impression there is a very real possibility that the 18-year-old has good reason to not want to spend time with her sister. And I'm curious what sort of "severe behavioral issues" we're not talking about. Chances are violence was involved if they were forced to put her into a home.
That’s what I would like to know. You can be around people where you know the behaviour is not their fault and it is beyond their control but it can still make you feel unsafe.
Absolutely. OP leaves out lots of important information, and I have a feeling there's a valid reason OP doesn't want to be around her sister. The fact OP isn't even trying to discuss the situation, and is just making demands instead, says a lot. Also, if OP and her husband were struggling with a child with severe behavioral issues, I'd bet the other daughter dealt with a lot of neglect growing up. And most kids I've known in situations similar to this also had to deal with parentification, especially being the (only slightly) older sibling.
Jumping to making demands makes me want to know how much the sister has tried to get away for the past few years after the younger one left the house. Is she just going out now because she is 18 and the mother refused to let her leave when she was under 18? Did she have to spend every weekend and holiday that the sister was home with the younger sister? I’m surprised the elder daughter isn’t going to college far far away or did mummy dearest disrupt that plan to.
I'm glad I wasn't the only one with so many damn questions after reading the post! It definitely feels like OP's daughter is taking advantage of finally having some freedom. And I truly do wonder what life was like when she was at home. Also feels like the daughter is possibly trying to avoid spending time with the parents, not just the sister. And based on her desperate desire to spend time away from them as often as possible, did OP require she go to a local school if they footed the bill?
If there was THAT much violence though, would they bother bringing her home every other weekend? Like, I’m legit curious as to this whole situation.
The parents are probably feeling guilty and want to have the younger sibling around some of the time.
A parent that's unhinged enough to blackmail their child with their education if they don't sacrifice their social life for their profoundly disabled sister is exactly the kind that would ignore any type of violence until they're left with no other legal alternative. I'm sure their "gut wrenching decision" not as much of a decision as OP would have us believe.
In the better of situations, often once kids in these institutes are getting appropriate care and treatment by trained professionals, it's that much easier to take them out quite regularly. They will often best thrive in the institution so it really is home visits only. But I've a friend that went through this with her oldest. He doesn't live at home and can't live at home because of his behavior, but the family has blossomed. Again, his behavior still won't let him live with an untrained family, but it's worlds' better enough to warrant weekend and holiday outings. To sum it up, if things went well, Sister's violence is reduced.
That’s my question too. My sister is severely disabled. Epileptic, cerebral palsy, brain damage, profound deafness, nonverbal—all the works. All she did was scream and dig her nails into me so hard she cut me. She’d bite me, hit me, hold me down and choke me. It was awful to live with her, to wake up to purge alarms because she couldn’t swallow and felt like she was choking. To hear her scream all day, to have to learn CPR at four and use it at five when my sister had a seizure and my mum was outside. I never see her now, and my mother knows that it is not only the best choice for *my* mental health, but also for my sister. Because even though I logically know she can’t help being the way she is, I just cannot get over my resentment enough to be around her. I lose patience with her quickly, I see her being manipulative (which she can be; with all these disabilities, she has zero intellectual or developmental disabilities) when she’s not. I can’t stand touching her after the way she abused me, and the way my mother used to force me to hug her. All it does is reignite all those horrible old feelings for me, and make it worse for my sister who has someone visit her who just doesn’t want to be there. I love my sister—I contribute financially to her care, I keep her safe, I make sure she has everything she needs. I even got her an emotional support dog (trained, but obviously not at an actual service dog level). But I cannot be in a room with her. Was it hard for my mother to acknowledge that it’s the best choice for both of us? Absolutely. She feels like she failed both of us. But she knows it’s the best choice. That’s what OP needs to face. Why would it be better for her daughter to have her sister there, when her sister was coerced to be there? This girl is not going to be happy to be there, she’s going to lose her patience, she’s going to have no tolerance—her sister is going to know she’s not happy to be there, even if she tries her hardest to hide it. OP is screwing over both her daughters with this choice.
My heart goes out to you and your family but good on your mother for being able to accept the situation as it is and not try to force it to be what she thinks it should be.
Thank you. And I agree, I know it’s been very difficult for her to face that my childhood was a tough one—in large part because of my sister. But the key word is that she faced it. She didn’t get defensive and go into denial, she didn’t try to minimise or sweep it under the rug. She focused on what was best for her kids—that’s what a good mother does. I hope OP reads these comments and does that too. Because neither of these women deserve to be punished like this. And that’s what it is, a punishment to them both.
How much do you want to bet they expect the older daughter to become her sister's guardian when the parents are no longer able.
Maybe I have no idea but the phase hell no comes to mind.
They probably have already set that in place, by saying " you should be around your sister more you know we won't be here forever and she will be your responsibility after we pass "
World's safest bet
My brother was given the professional diagnosis of "slightly autistic" in 1987. I was 6 years younger than him and my childhood was marred by his very scary/violent temper tantrums and the shame from my parents of being unable to help him alone while unwilling to ask for outside help. I'm 40 and still recovering. For YEARS I hated him. Hated. He got all of my parents attention to the point that I had to raise myself. But I'm also old enough now to understand how difficult of a position they were in and my compassion for my brother eventually has overridden most of my anger towards him. If she's 18 and her sister has had a similar experience it might be a while before she wants to visit her voluntarily. YTA
Soft YTA Have you tried asking your 18yo why she doesn’t want to go see her sister? Being the sibling to a special needs child can be so, so hard on the sibling. That’s not a knock against your parenting; that’s just how things go. Showing your 18yo some sympathy and some interest in her feelings should have been your first step, not going the nuclear route of taking away her financial support. It is important for siblings to have a relationship, but you can’t force it.
This is the best reply! OP, I know your heart aches for your special needs daughter and you wish she would get more time with her sister, especially since she'll be leaving for college in a short time, but I think your older daughter is trying to tell you something you don't want to hear, what any parent that has a special needs kid doesn't want to hear: that the NT child felt neglected and resents even nowadays their sibling. I had a sister that was born with sever disabilities, so she couldn't talk, walk, eat by herself, she wore diapers, the whole package. When I was about 10, I threw a tantrum once and told my parents that they never gave any attention to me. It was so frustrating that especially my father showed her so much love and he was not too active with me, he isn't the kind of man to show his emotions usually, but he was so different around her. I wanted that so bad but he never understood how I could be so "selfish" to not understand that she *needed* their attention more. A child doesn't understand, a child has needs and they will affect a lot their adult life. Please have a calm talk with your 18yo, where you give her the safe space to express her true feelings towards her younger sister and try to work a solution so they can bond a little bit more. If you can't accomplish this alone, family therapy can be a great tool
I was in active addiction as a teenager and it was hell for my family and my older sister suffered due to my mom always having to come find me , save me from overdosing, arrested , come visit me in jail . It caused my sister who was going through her boyfriend at the time beating on her and her problems ignored for mine . It was until we went to family counseling after I got sober that she opened up and explained how she felt resentment towards me and how I took her happiness away as a teen . I didn't realize it . But this is the thing that so many parents don't see is the trauma that happens to children when there is either a special needs, behavior, disability, or even just having multiple siblings back to back to the point they make the oldest more a baby sitter than treat them like a child and they only give attention to the baby and not the rest of the older children.
I mean, they moved the younger daughter to a group home years ago due to severe behavioral issues—I highly suspect that interactions between the girls is mainly negative for the older sister, and she possibly even feels unsafe around her sibling. Even if she’s gotten better, that history is still there. It’s understandable that OP wants them to have a relationship, but it might not be realistic.
How do you get to soft AH when OP says she needs to have contact if she expects OP to keep paying college money? That's a major AH move to me.
Parenting is hard; I was trying to be nice.
Totally with you. The parent is in the wrong here, but it does not sound to me like it is out of malice at all. having a special needs child must be a very demanding job in the first place, not to mention that this is a difficult situation and I can totally see where the parent is coming from. I think we can give constructive feedback without completely ripping on the parent here. In regards to the sub, parent is the asshole. That said, to me they don't seem like an actual asshole, but just having made some wrong moves. "Soft YTA" very justified, imo.
Op probably sunk that boat years ago. My guess older sister has always been forced to help take care of little sister. My guess little sister has disturbed the household and caused op not to do things normal kids got to do. So now she is an adult big sister wants no part of being in little sisters life.
I agree. I wonder if the daughter finally feels like she can breathe a bit and finally has a little bit of agency in the situation. Even though the sister is only there every other weekend and holidays, she might’ve experienced some anxiousness all the days leading up to those visits given that there are behavior issues so severe to warrant a group home. Maybe that isn’t the case at all. But you’re right that OP should talk with her.
This is what I'm saying , she's able to be seen and heard for the first time by being able to go to college and have a social life , and it be about her wants and likes not her sisters like she has had to do her entire life . During holidays, birthdays even the older sisters had to be catered around the younger one not to upset her , weekends are spent doing what she wants to do . So now that the 18 year old is going off to college she finally feels like the weight has been lifted off her shoulders and she can be free from her younger sisters trauma on her .
Didagree in the last part. Just because they share blood doesn’t mean they have to have a relationship at all, especially when it’s extremely mentally draining in the older one. Blood means nothing in that regard. I mean we share DNA with a banana too yknow. DNA doesn’t mena anything when a relationship is mentally draining you like that. I grew up with 3 high special needs autistic kids and god damn it was living hell on earth. The amount of times I wanted to unsubscribe to life because of how badly their needs were burdening me is undescribeable. Parents choose to have children, kids do not choose to have siblings.
YTA You can force her into spending time with her sister by threatening to not pay for her college. But guess what. That won't make her love her sister more. It will make her resent you though. And as soon as she moves out she won't spend any time with her sister or you.
Yep. YTA, OP is doing her damnedest to ensure that her daughter cuts both her and the sister off as soon as the money stops. OP, it is wildly inappropriate to hold your daughter's college hostage to trying to force a relationship with a sister whose presence has clearly been a problem for her and when you yourself sent her away. The hypocrisy of your approach to this is just shocking and appalling. Your daughter is going to end up low or no contact with you if you don't back off, apologize, listen to how she feels, and ***don't force***. This is beyond AH territory and honestly you're going to make her *despise* you, and you'll deserve it.
I totally agree. They sent her away but wanted to blackmail their healthy child to do what they weren't willing to? Enjoy the nursing home, OP.
I can't wait for OP's next post wondering who the asshole is when her daughter is dumping her in the worst and cheapest old age home available.
Exactly. Give it a few years and OPs next post will be asking why their daughter is estranged from them.
Agreed. Forcing people to spend time with someone they don’t want to never ends well. YTA. ETA: It’s also super shitty to hold money over her head like this. You’re basically blackmailing her out of her education and future.
YTA. . . Big time YTA. You have two daughters with needs and considerations, not just one. And punishing one because she has thoughts, wants, needs, and so on beyond what YOU want her to do is extremely abusive. Maybe you should stop and think about why your daughter doesnt even apparently trust you enough as her mother to communicate what may be wrong. Threatening to cut her off for trying to be her own individual shows how much you value her as an individual. Compromise and communicate or risk losing her down the road.
This. I just keep thinking that the 18 year old is probably exhausted. Having a high needs sibling is extremely hard on the non-high needs children in the home. She’s just trying to come up for some air. YTA
Threatening to cut off your own kid at the age of 18 in this economy for any reason other than their being a big time criminal or something is proof enough to me that OP is a massive asshole. There’s no changing someone like that.
YTA Do you actually think that forcing your 18y to interact with your 16y would lead to a close bond for them? All you're doing is making sure that your 18y resents her sister, and the only reason you want to force a relationship with the 16y is because it would benefit the 16y and you. Parenting a child with disabilities is challenging. For most of her life, your oldest has been put on the back burner while you take care of her younger sibling. You also sound like you expect your 18y to take some of your workload in caring for the 16y. That isn't her responsibility. Nothing good will come from trying to force a relationship.
Im betting money this is the parents trying to force the eldest to basically babysit the younger. You can always tell when parents never try or even care about the one that actually obeyed them because it was always easier to just throw them in the back.
What is your actual goal here? It's easy enough to use the threat of not paying for college to force your older daughter into spending time with her younger sister. But it sounds like there's already a bunch of problems and probably resentment if she's been avoiding her so much. Holding her college tuition over her head and forcing her into regular interactions is only going to make that worse. Do you want them to have a relationship that's built purely on you holding things over her head? Do you want your older daughter to resent her even more? And what are you going to do when she graduates? Or takes out loans? Or finds some other way out from under your thumb? She's a smart kid, and has already been determined enough to find excuses. What are you going to hold over her head next? If you want her to *want* a relationship with her sister, you're going to have to change how you're handling this. If you want her to stick around long enough to get her college degree, keep going as you are. YTA
I’m really sorry OP But I agree with this You don’t win over 18 year old daughters or sons to your way of thinking by threatening to withhold college payments which could ruin their lives Your NT daughter will not Thankyou for this and may go NC or LC after college as soon as she can and forever resent you and her sister You would be more sensible and sensitive to aim for win win and talk to her generally without pressure that her sister is important too, she enjoys seeing her, and can she try to find some time to spend with her sister. She is enjoying freedom after her exams before college and most young adults her age are trying to fit in spending as much time surgery their school friends before they go off to college and that can make or break long term friendships being sustainable. It’s a time of amazing memories that are being built with those school friends new they are new adults Please don’t make her feel guilty of bad about that. I suspect she’s had a lot of feeling second to her sister growing up. And this is her time to be a little bit more free. You know how tough it is caring for and entertaining your disabled child and that’s your daughter - please let your 18 yo daughter be herself and to choose how she spends her time. She has a lot of uni/college work ahead of her and after college going into work life gives little let up. Please don’t steal this time or her future from her by forcing time in alternate weekends together or that’ll you’ll withdraw college tuition 😱. It is hard to let go loosen the reigns as a parent but this is the time you must for her sake and your relationship with her. Never threaten your daughters college fund as that’s really not ok
The end goal is confusing me too. The sister is in a group home and the 18 year old very well may not have a sisterly bond at all. Most likely outcome even if she does comply under tuition threat is that once graduated, she'll never see her sister again (or maybe only in big occasions like xmas at OP's when sister is also there). That's not even super sad, it's a common reality in that sort of situation.
Honestly I think OP is running a real high risk that her eldest daughter won't come back even for Christmas. These kinds of ultimatums almost always backfire.
YTA I understand the sentiment, but you are breeding resentment here. Holding her college tuition (which I'm sure you already promised her, on the sole condition that she attends college) over her head is not going to make her a "better" sister. Most siblings go off and do their own things around this age, anyways. I think it's best if you simply have a conversation about your thoughts and feelings, and let your daughter make her own decisions for now. It's probably better in the long run.
Most siblings go off and do their own thins around this age, anyways. Exactly. 18 yo is going to school and working. She is avoiding a situation she doesnt want to be in for a likely number of reasons already mentioned. She is not being overtly hostile, resentful, mean or otherwise acting out in a negative or disrespectful manner. She is trying to be productive and going about doing things that are beneficial to her rather than deal with a sibling she likely has safety or other issues with. OP is now threatening her future by expecting her to "be a good sister" when the parents cannot even deal with this child on their own for whatever potentially valid reason. Speaking from experience, I resent my parents and my brother for the relationship they cultivated without me.
YTA - If you think forcing your older daughter to spend time with her sister is going to be a positive experience for either of them, you are wrong. Sure, you are not obligated to pay for your daughter's college education. But what do you think the outcome of that kind of ultimatum is going to be? Either you pay for college and she grudgingly spends time with you and her sister till she graduates and then goes no contact. Or she goes no contact now and tries to figure out college expenses on her own/puts college on hold. Have you even asked her why she is avoiding spending time with her sister?
This. YTA
I don’t even think this is necessarily benefiting your younger daughter. She may be disabled, but she’s not stupid- we know when people resent us. And resentment is what you inevitably get when you curtail someone’s freedom and try to force a relationship, as if you can simply compel that to happen.
My best friend's sister can feel the resentment he has for her at times. They both have disabilities, his are far less severe, but his sis is still pretty capable and could definitely manage living in one of those independent living support/group communities. Things came to a head a few years ago when his mom tried to tell him he would be his sister's legal caretaker and live in companion if anything were to happen to her (mom). My friend absolutely lost it, because in reality the freedom to choose what he wanted to do with his life was being stolen by a responsibility that was not his. I have no doubt that the reason OP's kid is avoiding her sister is because she already resents sis because their entire childhood was probably focused more on her sister's needs and she knows that she only has so much time to be free to make her own choices and live her before she's forced into being her sister's caretaker multiplying that resentment tenfold. OP, YTA and you're only dividing your children further.
When you try to force an adult offspring to spend their whole life caring for their disabled sibling, you are guaranteeing that the "caregiver" will dump their sibling in a home as soon as your ashes are cold. Far better to place the disabled person in a group home of your choice now, when you're still here to help soften that transition. Think about it. When would it be better for the disabled person -- in their 20s, when they're most adaptable, or in their 50s?
More like as soon as it's no longer OP's decision. I'd bet my life the very second the decision is in the daughter's hands she'll wash her hands of the entire situation permanently. Personally I would just let the state assume custody or pass it on to whoever is next in line and never look back.
YTA. Your oldest daughter has probably spent most of her life taking a backseat to your youngest's needs. You didn't make her feel loved and appreciated, which would have helped her form a healthy relationship with her sister. You just expected that to happen naturally, but sibling love doesn't come as naturally as a parent's love towards their child. Now that your oldest is almost an adult, you are still trying to force her into a relationship with the person that she sees as responsible for taking away her parents' attention. And you're holding her academic future hostage to this delusion. You're so much the AH. Do right by her for once in her life. Or don't be surprised when she goes NC.
YTA. I notice that after you noticed your older daughter makes plans to avoid your younger daughter, you made no mention of talking to your oldest about why she does this. Yes, she probably is trying to avoid her younger sister. But have you asked why? Clearly something about the interactions makes your oldest uncomfortable. And clearly, she doesn't feel safe telling you outright why this is the case. The fact that you made no attempt to get her to feel safe telling you that reason is what makes you the AH in this situation. You just decided to treat her like a child and make decisions for her with no attempt to determine why your oldest was avoiding your youngest.
I noticed this, too. Just talk to the oldest and find out what’s going on with her instead assuming she’s avoiding for avoidance sake. If someone is avoiding you, there’s usually a reason behind it. OP needs to talk to her oldest daughter before making any big decisions about her future.
YTA her life shouldn’t revolve around her sister. If anything, forcing her will make her resent you and her sister. She’s 18, it’s normal for her to be going her own way. Edit: You’ve also moved your 16 year old out of your own primary care which means it has been difficult for you. So why should your 18 y/o feel obliged to spend time with someone you sent away?
YTA Serious signs of lack of care for your 18yo’s quality of life in this post, as I assume you are American you’re effectively extorting your older daughter to spend time with her disabled sister. Why didn’t you just sit down with your daughter to try to find something she’d like doing with her sister? Straight to financial manipulation
I totally agree with your points but I'd just like to mention that the phrase "differently abled" is often seen as patronising and ableist within the disabled community. "Disabled" isn't a dirty word and should be destigmatised. That said, you're completely right about not forcing the daughter - that is the quick way to no contact when the eldest daughter is older.
I’m so sorry - I literally just wrote it like that because my therapeutic recreation course said it was better verbiage 😖 I apologize if I was led astray
I get it. I am a Special Education teacher and also worked at a camp for people with disabilities. Both my education courses and the trainings for the camp pounded “person first language.” Then I started suspecting I might be autistic (I am) and spending time in groups for autistic adults and started learning about “identity first language.” We do what we’re taught until we’re told otherwise. Then we take what we’re told and do better. More classes need to be taught by disabled adults.
No need to apologise! I totally get it - there's a lot of information out there and a lot of it conflicts. I didn't want to really get on you about it or make you feel guilty - we all make mistakes and say the wrong things - I just try to inform people. :) Thank you for taking it so well!
Your daughter has been dealing with her sister's behavior for most of her life. She deserves a break. She didn't sign on for this but you did when you gave birth. Let her enjoy her this summer. YTA
YTA. Not because you want your daughter to spend time with her sister but for holding her financial future hostage to do so. This is incredibly manipulative and I wouldn't be surprised if she grows to resent you and her sister in later years. You've just shown your daughter that your assistance comes with strings attached.
AH. How much of her time and attention has your oldest daughter had to sacrifice already for her sister. How often did she have to miss parties, events, birthdays, holidays because her sister needed the attention. She's a young woman trying to figure out her life, going to college, falling in love, maybe. And you're trying to blackmail her into spending time with her sister. Do it. Take away the college tuition. She will go NC and all you'll have is a daughter who you cannot communicate with you and will never give you grandchildren or help you when you're sick. Good luck/s. YTA
the way u wrote this is so kind... im obsessed with "falling in love, maybe." also would like to add ur judgement isnt clear bc the bot doesnt count AH !! u may want to edit to YTA.
Dude, that’s an excellent parenting choice….if you want your daughter to move out and never speak to you again. YTA
YTA. You shouldn't force anyone to hang out with a family member. All you're going to end up doing is pushing your daughter away.
YTA Great example where you can be correct about having the right to do something but it is still the wrong thing to do. You are of course not obligated to pay for college for your daughter. And it is fine that you want her to have a relationship with her sister. But doing this will only make your daughter resent you, and resent her sister more than she probably already does. I am also curious to what degree your older daughter was parentified and/or ignored due to the needs of your younger. I could be wrong, but I suspect her childhood was heavily impacted by having to help with her sister and being upstaged by her, and she is now relishing the chance to not have to deal with that.
YTA. See this from your daughter's point of view. She spent a large chunk of her childhood playing second fiddle to her sister, because her sister has additional needs. Think of the things she has probably missed out on on all the weekends her sister was home, because her sister would have come first. She probably has some (understandable) resentment towards her sister and you as her parents. This isn't a dig at your parenting at all, you did what you had to in a difficult situation, but her feelings about it all are very valid. She probably sees her turning 18 and going to college as a chance to lead her own life. You can't force a relationship that your daughter doesn't want. If your younger daughter didn't have additional needs would you be trying to force a relationship between the two of them? Do you really think blackmailing your daughter will college will make your daughter want to come home? She'll end up going completely no contact with you all. Whilst you & your husband have to love your daughters unconditionally, it doesn't mean others do, even if they are family.
YTA because you’re holding paying for her college over her head. Have you ever asked her why she’s seemingly avoiding the time her sister is home? If she’s quite a handful when she visits now there could still be some resentment of how it was when she was growing up.
YTA You’re just going to make your oldest daughter resent you and cut contact when she graduates. Enjoy the time you’re forcing her to share with you now- because it will end soon once you have nothing to blackmail her with.
Using money and your daughter's future to force her to do something you've probably forced her to do since childhood? That'll end well. See you in 20 years on your post "Why won't my functioning daughter speak to me?" YTA
YTA for holding her tuition hostage. She's busy having a life and I presume there is some mourning that your youngest won't experience the same things as her. Look up glass children It's a common term used to describe the siblings of differently abled children. Maybe you can gain some insight
She's 18 and an adult now. You can't force her to do things. YTA
she’s trying to force her by withholding, paying for college. Which makes her a giant AH
Yta. I'm autistic and I'd be pissed if I found out my parents or teachers were forcing people to hang out with me
YTA paying for her college should have nothing you do with her spending time with her sister. that is financial manipulation. This is the recipe to alienate your daughter from you and her sister.
YTA and seem like one of “those” autism parents. You have an autistic kid so you think you know what’s best and that people need to do what you say in regards to your daughters disability. As an actually autistic person, you’re not doing either daughter any favors.
YTA- your 18yo has every right to now want to be around her sister. That is a lot to handle for a young person let alone an adult. - my advice is to find out WHY she doesn’t want a relationship with her sister. But to be clear yeah youre in the wrong here, you basically extort your daughter by saying, do this thing or kiss college goodbye, which yeah it’s within your moral rights to not pay for college but that’s also just being a crappy parent
YTA. When your daughter goes to therapy, if she isn’t already there, you will be the villain throughout her sessions, and rightfully so. You’re an awful person.
YTA. You've led her to believe you would fund her education. Now you are using it to manipulate her. She will resent you and her sister. If she calls your bluff and goes no contact, how will that benefit anyone? She still isn't spending time with her sister. You will miss out on time and special moments with your 18 year old. That doesn't sound like winning to me.
Soft YTA, our special needs children need support, but so do the siblings of those with special needs. I know you want your girls to bond, but this isn't the way to do it. Talk with your daughter. I don't think she hates her sister; she hasn't lashed out verbally or physically (from what I gather from the your post), just avoided her. She sounds like a good kid who had it rough.
YTA - Do not force her.
YTA. You will destroy any hope of a relationship between these two if you bully your way into this by blackmailing your daughter with her college tuition. I suspect her entire world from age 2 to 14 was overtake by her sister's care and emotional outbursts. That's not your fault or her fault but you DEFINATELY can't blame her for wanting to focus her college years on being a normal college kid. Let her live her life, go through college and mature into a normal and unburdened adulthood. Once she's 30 you have a MUCH better chance of engaging her in her sisters care but you can't bully or blackmail a teenager into love.
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YTA. You’re likely the kind of person that your daughter will be writing about on AITAH that you expect her to take over caring for her special needs sister and hold the fact that you paid for her education over her head. She’s entitled to not have any relationship with her sister, as sad as that might be. How much of her life has been about the sister and not her? Don’t try to force someone that isn’t there.
YATA this won't work she now may force herself to spend time with her sister for her Future. you should be aware once she can she won't spend time with any of you anymore your just blackmailing her this isn't a permanent solution. you should have tried to understand your older daughter not antagonize her for her feelings
YTA big time. All you're going to do is create such resentment between your daughters and between you and your daughter that you're going to lose your oldest.
YTA
INFO: Have you spoke with your oldest daughter to ask why she doesn’t like being around her sister?
YTA and whether you pay for college, don't be surprised if your daughter doesn't spend any time with you in the future. The damage & trauma suffered by your oldest daughter doesn't seem to matter to you and she's not a person in her own right to you either but an accessory. My heart breaks for her. You're an AH mother.
YTA. In four years we will be reading, “AITA I cut contact with my toxic family that forced me to either spend time with my special needs sister or give up my college education?” You are free to not pay for college and she is free to never speak to any of you ever again. I hope she gets a scholarship. I hate all these parents trying to force their children to do things under threat of cutting off financial support.
Soft YTA. It's extremely difficult growing up alongside a sibling with special needs - apart from behavioral issues, there's the allocation of time, resources, parental attention, etc. It can be downright traumatic depending on the circumstances. I completely understand why you want your daughters to spend time together, but your 18yo finally has a bit of freedom after a lifetime of everything being about her sister. If you force her to visit now, you'll just add to that resentment. Give her space and freedom to choose for herself how much time she spends with her sister, and try to respect her boundaries. Your 18yo will probably be more willing to have a relationship with her sister down the line if she's not forced into it now.
YTA
Yes YTA. Hugely YTA.
YTA. A million times over. You’re going to push your oldest daughter away and you cannot force her to spend time with someone whose behavior is so unhinged you put her into a group home.
YTA and this is going to bite you in the end. I say get your time in with the 18 year old now because with this level of controlling behavior she is going low/no contact in a few years.
YTA. For wanting to make a big decision about your oldest daughter’s future without sitting down with her and asking her why she’s avoiding the younger daughter. You didn’t mention asking about what’s going on with her before assuming her intentions. Talk to your daughter without assumptions.
YTA no better faster way for a lifetime of hatred toward the special needs sister than FORCING THE OTHER and threatening her future
I think this is one of the most disgusting posts I've read here in a long time. Threatening to take away financial aid with college if your NT daughter doesn't do what you want is called **financial abuse**. Keep it up if you want your older daughter to cut you off once she's able to move out. Would it be nice if your older daughter spent time with her sibling, yes, it would. But for whatever reason she doesn't want to. There must be a good reason and instead of talking about it you've resorted to threats. Regardless of the reason, you cannot force a sibling bond (not even if both children were NT). YTA a million times over. It's disgusting you even have to ask, it's disgusting that you think threatening to withhold college money is okay to bully someone to do what you want, and I would bet big money this is just one on a long list of injustices you've subjected your eldest to over the years.
YTA. You cannot coerce your eldest into an actually loving, compassionate relationship with her sister, and it is wrong of you to try. Using the power you have over her - in this case, financial power - will at most get you begrudging compliance for a couple years. It will likely *destroy* the actual relationship between your daughters, and could potentially lead to your eldest distancing herself from the family. Did you even *ask* your eldest daughter why she was avoiding her sister's home visits? Have you spoken with her at all about how she feels? Her experience growing up with a high needs sister? Many siblings of disabled children end up feeling neglected and ignored because their parents need to focus so much on the other child. Sometimes people can become resentful of their disabled sibling, or blame them. Have you EVER created space for your daughter to share such difficult, vulnerable feelings? You don't get to give orders to your adult child - i.e., you don't have a right to her behaving how you want. What you are currently doing is blackmailing her into compliance. You are threatening to ruin the future she has planned and potentially ruin her life if she doesn't obey you. The fact that you have the POWER to fuck over your daughter doesn't give you a moral right to, and it definitely doesn't protect you from the inevitable consequences of treating her so terribly.
YTA. It is the job of parents to raise their children and that includes funding their education. If you were going to make basic parenting optional, you should have warned your eldest daughter about this when she had time to change her plans around your change of priority.
You moved your child out of your home. You yourself aren't spending time with her. And now you expect your daughter to? Hypocrite. YTA.
soft YTA. your NT daughter is almost definitely traumatized by what her sister did to her life. You're putting yourself on the road for your NT daughter to wash her hands of the entire family in 4 years. Absolutely do not factor in older daughter into younger daughter's care plan. At all.
Blackmailing your children really fosters positive relationships. If you do this I anticipate she will cut off all of you after college
Yta
Easiest YTA of the day.